#but do i want to make all of them and surround myself with big bugs? duh.....

[fleurmatisse]

y’all. the person who made that caterpillar posted a link to the pattern and that patternmaker has like eight different caterpillars..........

[wasteland-wrecker]

ily..... sorry if you've ever answered this but have you ever drawn modern au gage and toby? or do you have hcs?

Hey there! <3

I’m not a big au fan but… here we go! ✨

Thank you for asking, I have this big headcanon:

Gage is not so good in bed. He is probably a virgin, let me explain you why.

🔞🔞🔞

From what we know about his past and the way he talks I'm pretty sure he's never had s3x with anyone or at least no long-term, positive experience.

Lines like "…you wouldn’t want nothin to do with me, not with the fucked up life I’ve had” denotes he is AWARE of the cruelty of the world he lives in. He has seen shit his whole life. I don’t think he had the time to even think about s3x.

Or “I ain’t never done anything like this. Ain’t sure it’d work, you know?”

When you ask him about your relationship he says “… I don’t like talking about feelings and shit. We’re… we’re great, you know that”. Zero experience, come on.

This means he gets embarrassed and that he’s worried about other people’s opinions (which is quite strange for a wastelander and a raider) one of his lines is like “if I die killed by a bug, tell everyone I accidentally stomped on my gun and killed myself”. (Yeah, who cares???)

And, speaking of raiders, he’s lived his whole life as one of them and when he talks to you (a complete stranger!!) in private he calls them “fucking raiders” (you okay man?! Need to talk or something?!).

It seems clear that none of these raiders have ever made its way into his sensitive little heart. He’s faking, pretending to be something he’s truly not.

And I don’t think he’s ever had anything to do with settlers. I can’t even imagine him r4ping someone, from that point of view he has a strong integrity (at most he’ll piss on your corpse ✨)

No one has ever made him feel safe, he says that to you when he opens up. Gage must completely trust his partner to have s3x with him/her/them. He must be sure he won’t be betrayed or killed.

And his past makes it clear that he no longer trusts anyone, apart from himself.

I might also add that the fact that he doesn't take baths indicates a sort of disinterest in the subject.

Gage often complains during trips and it means that he worries about stuff (like rads, chems, alcohol, bad smells - yeah he does I can prove it).

Do you think someone so attentive to what surrounds him and the consequences of his actions wouldn’t care about sexual diseases and sleeping with just anyone? I’m sorry but I don't see it.

He surely m4sturbates often, I can agree with that. He has very indecent thoughts as well and he’s horny af. He probably likes it rough, yes. (He loves to read erotic books OF THIS I’M SURE 10000%) But don't come and tell me that he is a S3x Lord Master or something because I have an hard time believing that (surely with a good experience he can become one, but not when you first know him).

Last, but not least, let’s not forget the fact that his name’s GAGE and he wears a fuckin CAGE all the time (to keep people away from him). The end.

Alright uh, my hand slipped on this hc lol, let me know if you want more anon and I’ll answer you in another post 😭 (shorter I promise) or you can read this post

[eyes-that-decieve]

((Alis statement time!))

((Massive TW for child neglect (you know, lonely stuff), narcissistic parenting (probably inaccurate representation of it but we ball), moths, blood, description of (severe amounts of) insect bites, trypophobia, missing eyes.))

She didn't really interact with me other than when she needed to. Dad did his best, but Mother tried to keep him as far away from me as she could. Claimed,'He would turn her little doll against her.' I could never keep any friends for longer than a week. They were so scared of Mother. She always chased away my friends.

[Tape recorder click, tape begins to whir]

Alis: Do you want my statement? I know you haven't had one for a bit, and I can see you're curious.

Styx: Only if you're comfortable with it. I don't want to force anything from you if you don't want to remember it.

Alis: It's a statement, you know I'm not. I'm going to give it to you anyway, say your words.

Styx: [Sigh] Fine. Statement of Alis, regarding their mother and events leading up to their Becoming. Statement taken direct from subject, the 21st of May, 2024. Statement begins.

Alis: I wasn't truly aware of how my family acted towards me for a long time. I was my mother's lovely little doll, to be dressed up in pretty frilly dresses and shown off in front of the relatives.

It was very lonely as a kid. Wake up, make myself breakfast, walk to school, then head home, make my own dinner, go to bed. Mother was always out, but I can't remember her explanations as to why. Looking back on the few I can recall, they don't sound quite right to me now. I know she wasn't drinking or anything like that. She was always sober and distant when she came home.

Whenever she was there, it was to dress me up for something. A party of some sort, usually. Wear the dress, chin up, elbows off the table, don't ruin the image. Our image, she said, but I never cared for that. Remembering now, it was always about her. Look pretty, show off her work to the relatives. She always seemed colder, more calculated when talking to me like that. She spoke in a very sweet voice and smiled at the relatives, though. They always fawned over her, cooing at me and saying what a pretty thing I was. Mother always beamed at the praise, as if it them saying I was pretty extended to her. Like a child showing off an art project and puffing up at the compliments over their work. She got enough compliments herself for her striking makeup and dresses that always seemed to almost float, moving like fog.

How can you be alone when you're surrounded by people? How can you be lonely if you are constantly talked to and told "you would look so much better if you lost a little weight" or "don't wear that, you'll embarrass us!"

Maybe two years ago, I started finding little dots on my clothes in the closet. Only on the dresses I never wanted to wear. I left whatever they were where they were, maybe out of spite, but I really didn't care. It's not like I wore them very often, and Mother would be able to buy new ones, though she would be livid about it. Mother knew best, but she would could DEAL WITH IT.

Maybe a few days later, the dots were gone, spiky green caterpillars in their place. I wasn't usually a big fan of bugs, but these ones never bit, only crawling on my hands if I sat next to them. They seemed to like me. Not long after, all the dresses were moth eaten, and after a week, they were completely ruined. They never touched my other clothes, only the ones that reminded me of what I hated.

After that, there were cocoons on my clothes. These were on the ones I wore, but I didn't even notice for a while. It just looked like white spots, like I must have accidentally spilled bleach on my sweater. But if I felt it, I could feel something under the white silk. I didn't want to disturb them, so I didn't put the clothes with the cocoons into the wash.

Two weeks, and the first of the moths emerged. They held on to my sweater as I was wearing it, letting orange and red wings dry in the air. I would take the remains of the cocoon off of the fabric after they were free, so Mother wouldn't see it. She had been home much more than usual those past few weeks, checking in on me more than she ever had.

I heard a loud crash from downstairs days later and came down there to see she had crushed one of the moths. Its wings were crumpled between her fist and the wall. She looked up at me, her eyes seeming to pin me to the wall, just like that moth. Somehow, I knew that was my first moth. Just like I knew she was blaming me for this. After that, I would always hide my moths whenever she checked on me. I started keeping their cocoons under my sweater vest when I wore it, so she wouldn't see. I was never scared of them, I was only scared she would kill them, and I would be alone again.

Last year, she wanted to have her birthday party at our house. She invited all her friends and family, it was to be a really fancy party. Not that all the other ones hadn't been, but she had her heart set on a bigger one.

When the time came for us to get ready, Mother would always get dressed and ready first, so she could help me and pretty me up to exactly what I should look like. This time, she came into my room in her usual clothes, holding an absolutely ruined dress. Apparently, some of my moths had gotten into her closet, too. She screamed at me that this was all my fault, and she was ruined. Her party was ruined. Her image, ruined.

She came in too fast for everyone to hide in time, a few still perched on my hair. She raised a hand as if to crush one of the moths near her, but I shouted at her to stop. I wasn't going to have any more friends chased away. I stood up to stop her, but I wasn't fast enough. She caught one of the moths between two hands, and pulled off one of its wings. That was the last straw. The entire swarm flew out from the closet, covering her until I couldn't even see her anymore under the flapping wings. She must have screamed, but I barely heard anything. I must've had more friends than I thought.

She fell at some point, all the moths on her back caught between her and the floor. After a few minutes, they all flocked back to me, leaving Mother crumpled on the floor.

Her skin was covered in small holes where pieces were bitten off, and parts of her cheeks were fully chewed through. Her clothes were fairly intact, just tattered at the edges. When she turned her head towards me, her eyes were GONE.

I ran from that house. I tried to run from my friends, but they found me. Something told me they wouldn't hurt me. Something told me they were my friends now. They are part of me.

Alis: Okay, that's it.

Styx: You seriously let me compel that out of you?!? [Sigh]

Alis: No, no, it's fine-

[Tape recorder clicks off]

[fernandoswarcrimes]

Sweet Nothing x Jack Grealish

“And the voices that implore, "You should be doing more"”

Taglist: @morgan108 @diary-of-jj @shea-theodore @pitchandgrid @wifemase @hal3ynicol3 @alicerubyfloyd @nicanicksnica @formulafootballfan @xoocourtneyxo @babybella337 @hobiismyhopeu @cha-hot @goldrushc @carlossainzwho @swiftiebitchhere @styles-sunflower @ru-kru @judespoision

Word count: 1.4K

To be added to the rest of the series click here -> 🌌

I spy with my little tired eye

Tiny as a firefly

A pebble that we picked up last July

Down deep inside your pocket

We almost forgot it

Does it ever miss Wicklow sometimes?

Jack glanced at what you had pulled out of your pocket, a questioning look on your face, as the two of you got ready to walk out the door. It was small, almost the size of a lightning bug. A small little pink pebble that you two had found last July whilst on summer break. It had slipped both of your minds, nearly forgetting about it until just now as you held it up with a smile before setting it in the dish by the door with the extra set of keys and oddities that you both had in your pockets that week. He wondered if the small rock ever missed Wicklow, the cozy seaside town. That something so small could hold such important memories. It was when he asked you to move in with him. At first he didn’t think you’d say yes, because it took you a few minutes to give him an answer, but that was because you were just in shock. He had been so upfront and honest about it you didn’t think a guy like him would want that. But you had been proven wrong as you realized this was Jack, your jack. The goofy brummie guy who had swept you clear off your feet with his horrendous jokes and down to earth personality. He was the personification of soft. He missed Wicklow, if the rock didn’t then he did, because it gave him you.

They said the end is coming

Everyone's up to something

I find myself running home to your sweet nothings

Outside, they're push and shoving

You're in the kitchen humming

All that you ever wanted from me was sweet nothing

The Birmingham man was tired.

Tired of everyone saying that the end of City’s reign was coming, that they wouldn’t make it till the end. They wouldn’t get the treble. Everyone always had something to say, he more often than not, found himself quickly trying to quickly head out after any practice or game not wanting to be interviewed or stopped by anybody that would hold him up. All he wanted to do was run home to you and the calmness that surrounded you. As he walked out of training he could see people pushing and shoving at the gate as he got into his car, his teammates having no problem stopping to sign things or take pictures. But nonetheless, despite how tired he was, he pulled his car through the gates and stopped for a few people because he knew if he didn’t it would end up being the next big scrutinizing headline, which he didn’t need. He didn’t mind the fans really, he loved them, but on days like this when everything was weighing down on him he just wanted to come home to you. As he drove through Manchester he thought of how relaxing it’d be to just lay on the couch with you, he stopped and got you both some food on the way home knowing you’d enjoy the simple gesture, and when he did finally arrive home, he walked inside and heard you humming in the kitchen. You looked up when you heard him come in and smiled at him. “Aw you picked up maccies” he just smiled and sat the bag on the counter letting you pull him into a much needed hug which had him instantly relaxing into your arms. All you ever wanted from him was moments like this. Sweet nothings.

On the way home

I wrote a poem

You say, "What a mind"

This happens all the time

On the way home from a trip you and him took together, he had been quietly sitting in the passenger seat. You’d look over to him a few times wondering what he was doing, usually you couldn’t get him to stop talking and the quietness wasn’t bad per say, it just intrigued you. “I uh- wrote a poem I wanted to read to you.” Jack spoke up softly which caused a small smile to spread across your lips as you nodded for him to go ahead. You saw him sit up straighter out of the corner of your eye as he looked down at his phone. “I won’t ever find the words, you are everything always and even that is not enough.” Was it grammatically correct? No, but you appreciate the sentiment and the fact he wrote it. “What a mind you have, love. I like it.” You nodded while looking over at him briefly with a smile. Jack appreciated that you supported him and his little hobbies like this and not just football. It was something he realized happened all the time even if you didn’t make a big deal about it. He wanted to write poetry? You were right there encouraging him, wanting to try new fashion styles? You wanted him to give you a fashion show and show you what he bought and gave him pointers on what would look good and what wouldn’t. He had never felt more loved and appreciated besides when he was with his family. But that wasn’t to say he didn’t support you the same way because he did 110% in anything you wanted to do or try. It was a very open and co-op relationship. You both gave and helped when the other needed it.

Industry disruptors and soul deconstructors

And smooth-talking hucksters out glad-handing each other

And the voices that implore, "You should be doing more"

To you, I can admit that I'm just too soft for all of it

It was no secret how some clubs were ran, Chelsea was a prime example of industry disruptors some hotshot millionaire coming in and buying the club ontop of the management fucking everything up. That didn’t mean City was squeaky clean either, they had their own allegations and rumors about them as well. Everyone was pushing for the same thing. Pushing to be the best. No matter what they did they always got told “you should be doing more” pitching it like they were trying to sell it to the players as if they didn’t want to be the best already. Everyone wanted to win the big three but you could only do that if you were being efficient and doing good. But to you, Jack could admit that sometimes he’s too soft for all of it. The pressure, the comments, the scrutiny. He had heard it ever since City signed him, he went from being the star boy at Aston Villa to being a “waste of money” after being signed as the most expensive English footballer to date. Some days he didn’t think he wanted to do it anymore, he had been trying and trying to prove himself that he could do it, that he could be worth what they paid for him. He had to. Because he didn’t know what he would do if they let him go.

They said the end is coming

Everyone's up to something

I find myself running home to your sweet nothings

Outside, they're push and shoving

You're in the kitchen humming

All that you ever wanted from me was sweet nothing

Despite all the talk of the end of the season and all the tough games they had to get through. There was the one constant that kept him going, and that was being able to run home to you when the day was over. The two of you and your constant little moments that some would consider boring nothingness, meant everything to him. No amount of cups or championship wins would compare to him coming home from an away game to find you dancing and humming around the kitchen or how you were always there for him, to pick him up after a bad game, in the stands for the good games, or just spending time with him and his family. His mother had asked him when he was going to get the courage to ask you the big question, she knew he already had the ring. He also knew you wouldn’t want a big public gesture, you’d want something small, just between the two of you and your little sweet nothing moments. Which is exactly how he did it, at three in the morning, when you both couldn’t sleep. Was the deliriousness from sleep getting to you both? Probably, but he knew that no time was better than right now. He dropped to one knee in the middle of the kitchen, illuminated by the refrigerator light as he looked up at you with the softest look ever and softly asked as he opened the velvet box that he had been hiding for the last six months. “Will you marry me?��� He wanted nothing more than to have a million more moments like this with you.

[aikats]

ᯓᡣ𐭩 f/ovember ask game

Gonna be responding to all the days by just editing the post each time, link to the og post with all the questions is here.

♥️ - If I had to narrow down Katsuki to my favourite thing in him, it would be his drive. I’ve always liked surrounding myself around people who have motivation to do things and big goals in life, and I looove motivating those around me too. To be around him who’s so driven to always try his best, to always win, always thinking of how to become better, being around someone like that would ultimately make me want to do better too. Might sound corny but hey!! My blog my rules lmao

🐍 - If we could own any pet, like ANY my heart would lovee to say a tiger lmfao but as an actual answer we’d love a cat, specifically any breed thats reallly fluffy or really affectionate like ragdolla or mainecoons! Katsuki might pretend to not be a big animal lover or he might even not love animals that much at first so I have to convince him, that and I can imagine him having a few cute experiences with a street cat and suddenly now he wants one too. We’d either spontaneously adopt a street cat after making sure its definitely homeless, or we’d go to a shelter! Theres loads of grown cats there that need a home and love to at least give one ☹️. I also think Katsuki would appreciate us starting off with a grown up cat thats already house trained, its more mellow and quite talkative but he gets attached very quickly once the kitty starts warming up to us. It probably loooves cuddling around me and Katsuki because we’re always so warm. Now im thinking of being a cat parent sighhhhh ☹️☹️☹️

🕷️- Im 1000% afraid of insects, specifically the ones that are more known for infestations and SPIDERS. if the bug is tiny and doesn’t move much I’m fine with killing it on my own, but if its a spider I call katsuki IMMEDIATELY bc im NOT dealing with that shit on my own. He always teases me a bit about how tiny to spider is (it feels enormous to me) but he actually really likes the opportunity to answer to a call for help from me, I don’t ask for things often so it does boost his ego how much I dote on him after “saving me” HAHA I’d literally call him my hero and something in him literally twists in the sickeningly fond way. I’m still thinking about whether Katsuki is the type to simply kill insects rather than placing a cup on paper and freeing it from a window, hmmmmm, might add onto this a different day

⭐ - I don’t believe in Zodiac signs myself and I don’t think Katsuki would either. I feel like knowing his circle of people he wouldn’t even know about them until maybe mina mentions it on a whim. He wouldn’t really get the whole concept, the idea that you as a person is predetermined by when you were born is

🌹 - hmmm, there isn’t a specific flower I associate to Katsuki, but if I were to I would probably pick Dahlias, chrysanthemums or sunflowers, breaching out the question and going onto what he associates with ME it would probably be roses, but the very specific kind that have the exact colour scheme of my hair and eyes :3 (pink and yellow for my selfinsert oc)

🌲 - A favourite place we have that we love going is probably a really lowkey small restaurant, Katsuki’s the first to discover it since they sold all his traditional japanese favourites and even branched out with really good spice levels, its his go-to spot as a prohero, he also enjoys how quiet it is after a long day at work. When we’re closer as colleagues and a little bit more, he introduces me to it. The owner is probably a really understanding and outgoing guy who’d even be able to accommodate to any of my food allergies and such (another reason why Katsuki takes me out there so often). I get a loot of anxiety at restaurants because of all my dietary requirements so it feels so good to have a nice place to eat where I’m at ease without feeling like a bother

🐦‍⬛ - if Katsuki was a bird, hmmmm its hard to assign him to one, but I can picture a falcon or a crow. Meanwhile I’d definitely be a flamingo or a budgie HAHAHA

🌙 - I like the night, its quiet and everything dies down, its also where I get all my free time after a long day, however i am NOT a nightowl, every time I try to stay up late I always sleep before 2am, and on a usual day I consistently sleep around 11pm. On the rare occasion where I do stay up late its SO FUN but thats like once in a blue moon. For katsuki I can’t imagine him being particularly fond of the night, even though he enjoys the quiet and the chance to finally wind down, part of him also hates the quiet, its too quiet. He often ruminates and gets wayy too into his head when he’s alone so it isn’t the greatest. Its nice that he sleeps early though, he usually manages to avoid the rumination by crashing into bed EXHAUSTED after his terrible routine of waking up at the crack of dawn, working out, going work, ext.

🍒 - I do bake! I enjoy it a lot every now and then and often make myself biscuits so I can have them in the morning bc I looove a sweet treat first thing to get me going (consider this my equivalent to morning coffee). Katsuki is less of a baker and more of a cook, so we both have our unique strong points in the kitchen, on evenings where we have the energy to go all out we’re both in the kitchen teaching each other things and helping out with the easy tasks. I get to mix the vegetables in a pan to make sure they don’t burn while he gets to measure my dry ingredients.

[sludgefriend]

Today, I woke up feeling better than I did yesterday. So that was good. I went into work, and made sure to say hello and good morning to everyone that I work with. This has become important to me, for some reason. We’re working on rice surveys, still. I’m looking forward to them being over, at this point. It’s very… dynamic work. By dynamic I mean not very organized or structured. I really never know quite what to expect, and usually, results are rarely quite what we want them to be. At the very least, I usually enjoy the activities surrounding the rice. It puts me in swamps and streams, sometimes in a kayak. There’s so much beauty in a wetland. Each inch of them is teeming with weird little lifeforms. My favorite kind. I’ve also really come to enjoy kayaking. I knew that I would; I’ve always loved being in water and on water vehicles. Even though I’m shit at swimming and predestined to drown. One of my coworkers taught me to stir my kayak sideways a while back. I struggled a lot with the movement at first. My connection with the motor skills of my accursed corporeal form still leave something to be desired. But I’m learning, you know? And learn, I did. I went from flailing around helplessly to being able to whip out a really great side-stir at a moment’s notice within about an hour.

Anyways. Our sites today were two hours of driving from the office. Pretty sick, honestly. Easy work and a decent helping of fucking around. Spent the drive laughing and joking with my coworkers. Our first site, an agricultural drainage ditch, was a dud. Apparently it had been bustling with rice in previous years. Although, we found a big clam shell with a nice little hole through the middle of it. It had a little magic in it, I thought, so I kept it. Reminded me of a witching stone.

The second site was this big wildlife reservation… thing. Mostly wetlands. Loaded with rice. We just went to confirm the presence of rice, though. Not actually survey. Something about the place felt like being in another country. Whereas the rest of Indiana is just Fucking Corn, this place was bustling with a variety of greenery and life. I got to see sandhill cranes, great egrets, and blue herons. Lovely! Big beautiful birds. This place was also LOADED with soras. A funny little water bird with a very animated little tail that I’d previously dubbed the Illusive Peeper due to a previous struggle that we’d had finding and identifying the little guys. Other sites had handfuls of these guys. We were practically surrounded by them in this one. They have such a delightful call. Such charming little fellows…

After work I sorted bugs with Sarah for our volunteer position. We do this every Tuesday after work. It would genuinely be such a boring task without her, especially because it always comes immediately after our usual 8 hour work day, but the time really just flies. I’m really thankful that she ended up working here.

On the way home from work, I spotted a bald eagle sitting in a field. Bewildering! What are you doing here! I didn’t know you were here! Helllooooooo. Anyways. I was really excited to see him. I pulled my car over and tried to take a picture, but I ended up spooking him off. Oh well. Some things in life are meant to be experienced, not kept, I suppose. I was glad to see him anyways.

I’m tired now. I’ve realized that I focus so much on all of the negative thoughts and concepts in my head and life. It’s easy because they’re so prominent and also just kinda fun to write and think about. But I do think that I am fucking poisoning myself. So, I’m making an extra effort to find all of the good things in my day and life.

[jaewrotethis]

20- Nightmares...

What happened on this day was impacting enough to take over my night. My dreams consumed with what I’ve felt today. I send myself to my bed sooner than the rest. Pan became just another boy in the room full of boys after leaving me on the balcony of the big front room. I couldn’t care, though. I was too determined to think over everything that happened today. I wanted to be alone to pick my brain apart, my day apart. So to my room I go, turning away from the front room and into the dark, maze hallways.

Alright, do the thing. I tell the second voice in my head, since she managed to navigate through the halls this morning.

You do it.

How.

Just think about the room.

I close my eyes at the dark hallway.

Stay relaxed.

I breathe out and I picture my torn blankets, my ripped sheet. The broken dresser and fluff mess of the entire room. The cold and forever opened window directly across the entrance and the smaller door to its right. Another breath and then I open my eyes to the room given to me. I stand in front of the open door. The room I so ungratefully tore to shreds sitting quietly behind the threshold. I walk in slowly, trying to find a sense of home or maybe comfort, trying to convince myself that this is mine. Over to the mattress, away from the forever open window that leaks a cold, cold air to flush my room, I walk.

I stop to put the lamp back where it belongs, on my night stand then walk the room to replace everything back where it should be. I put all the drawers back into the beaten apart dresser and the trunk back into the closet. I pick up what’s left of the pillows that were gifted to me and put them on the head of the mattress. Then the ripped sheets and the torn open quilts. I make the bed with the pieces left over and crawl inside of it. Having to curl up to be covered completely by the ripped quilts.

The bed is cozy, it’s warm. I lay for hours, the night crawling on and on, longer and longer as I just think of my entire day. Too much to recall to sleep, too much to go over to drift off. I wish I could write down the stops my train of thought kept making and riding passed before I forget any of it. From waking up to fuzzy bugs all the way to fighting pirates and then ending the night on a new note with Pan. A note of him possibly saving me, though he’s done it about four times today I’m nearly certain it’s all set up. There’s so much, too much to keep track of.

Did Pan plan every last event?

Did he make sure I had no weapon on the pirate ship so he could give me one when I needed it most?

Could he have really shown me how to fly just so he could catch me from falling to my death?

Or was it just so he could take it away and give it back whenever he says so?

Did he make sure to save me from the Mermaids to mess with my head?

Was the whole Slightly thing just abuse or did Pan set that up?

Why would he set up something so fucked?

Is it because I denied his help of flight after the Treasure Hunt?

Is he really that petty?

Would he really stoop so low?

When sleep did come, it was not welcomed.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Again, I’m flying. Over the mountains of Neverland I can see every valley and spring and forest that I saw earlier today. Still so vivid in my memory, I won’t ever forget my first flight over Neverland. I fly free, no Pan under me to keep me airborne, just me and my happiness. The sun is warm on my skin, I feel like I belong somewhere, finally. I couldn’t stop smiling even if I wanted to.

I fly the route that I was taken on today as it’s so fresh in my mind still. Over the Dark Forest that surrounds the hideout and onward to the valleys beyond. Over soft grasses and hidden lagoons. It’s just when I’m approaching the mountains furthest from it all, behind all the valleys, that the magically blue sky has a gray cloud growing. A mean looking storm that was so far away earlier, now in front of me. I can’t seem to stop advancing towards the gray storm forming in the mountains, seeping into the sky like ink in water. My faith dwindles. And as I’ve learned, doubt cannot be planted when flying. Just one shift, just one little second of uncertainty and I’m falling from the sky. The storm growing, casting nighttime and nightmares over the island.

I try, oh how hard I try, to stay lifted. Up and down I go as the belief comes and goes. Coming when I remember how the happy faith felt just a moment ago and going just a second after as I feel the fear of how I almost just fell. Until I’m crashing to the forest floor, somehow now underneath me, valley and mountains gone.

It’s dark. The trees are black. The rain is light but cold. I suddenly know exactly why I need to get up and run. So, I’m running through the forest under the dripping canopy that streams the smallest bits of moonlight every few feet. I’m sprinting through bushes, branches, shrubs. Getting nicked by thorns and scrapped by wood, tripping over roots and stumbling through plants but I can’t stop running. If I let him run faster than me, if I let him close the distance he’ll end my life, I know he will. Blood begins dripping off my neck, down my chest with the searing pain of them being created.

I breathe in rhythm as I sprint. Fresh painful woulds lay deep on the back of my neck and along the bottom of my skull. My temples also cut open, leaking out my crimson blood. It burns painfully but there is no time to stop and clean wounds. The wind yanks my hair behind me as I run my open vest flapping along with it. I push through bushes, and slap through water. My mud stained boots dig into the soil underneath me, kicking up dirt with each step that I push behind me, arms out to pull myself forward, anything to get away, to keep running, to go fast, go further. My legs feel like led, my lungs are burning for air. My body suddenly is exhausted and tired, I’m drained. My own weight is too heavy to go on anymore. I’m out of stream, I can’t run any longer. My breathing harsh and my blood pounding in my ears, I rear right, skidding in the dirt around a sharp turn of a cliff.

My legs skid under me making me hit the ground, palms first. I push myself back up to my feet before I can lose precious seconds. I’m running not much longer, but so much faster before I burst through thick bushes. I jump through thick, tall, green stacks of plant before realizing there is no floor on the other side. The bushes sit on the top of the steep hill I am now tumbling down. Big rocks dig into my back, they slam into my arms, into my legs as I yelp and grunt to each one in angry pain. My sides roll over the sharp jungle floor that cuts, ripping my skin. My head tucked into my chest, knees slamming into dirt, I try using my arms to shield my head.

Finally the earth decides to show mercy with a flattened clearing. Ramming hard into a stump stops my agonizing fall as it flips me over. The pain is tricky. It strikes my spine and bites my fresh bruises. With each second that ticks by the pain cuts my skin then disappears to the shock trying to take over, only the shock fails and the pain returns stronger and deeper to the bone. My lungs vibrate inside my chest as the wind has been knocked from me, stunning me on the floor momentarily.

Flat on my back I stare up at the dark forest, panting and coughing once my breath finds me again, my vision a blur. The world is tipsy. I shake my head, grabbing at it to try and stop the new headache that rolls pain down my body. I hear a holler in the darkness from up above. Beyond the hill I fell from. A deep call of a certain someone in search of the one that isn’t at his command. Fear pins my heart to my chest. Pure terror floods my veins and adrenaline pumps my cells to sit me up, ignoring the throbbing pain in all my bruised muscles that ache to relax. The hollering growing louder. He’s getting closer. I need more distance.

“You can not hide! You’re exposed everywhere you go!”

My eyes wide, the sweat beading my forehead with the dripping blood as his words successfully frighten me. With each word my nerves spike higher and leap in my skin. What if he’s right? What if I don’t away, if I physically can’t get away? How much actual pain and torture could he cause, how much worse can it be than what’s already been horribly done? Out of breath and shaking with fear I force myself to stand up. My eyes dart around for his figure, or a hiding spot, or a weapon, or better yet, someone who will help me. A twig snaps behind me just as I’m fully standing, wobbly and riddled with weakening pain. I spin round, whipping my wet hair out of my face. Darkness engulfs the trees that surround me. A black smoke coming in. Another twig snaps. It’s too quiet. The wind stopped, the trees gone quiet, even the rain is gone. I hold my breath, turning in a circle, searching in the dark smoke clouding in, closer and closer, erasing most of the forest from view.

“Why run?”

Two small words spoken in my ear. I jump, choking on a scream. My heart pounds, matching my rapid breath and I can barely see his silhouette in the dark. He’s right in front of me, standing tall and broad. Not a single breath missing, not tired, worn, or even breaking a sweat. I know that demonic smirk is plastered on his face. I gasp turning to run but two strong hands dig into my shoulders. I yelp as I’m yanked back and thrown to the floor. I trip on my feet. I am tired. I can’t fight anymore. Dirt finds its way into my skin, opening new cuts on my hands. A groan whining from me but I’m only trying to see straight, to find any relief in any of the many aching pains.

“I told you. You aren’t capable of hiding from me. You are not able to defend yourself,” he snatches me up and throws me at a tree, like a toy.

I hit the ground, gasping and crying out but I bite my lip immediately. I regret the sounds of pain. Each noise of fear and pain I make gives him pride. And if he’s going to kill me, he won’t have the satisfaction of breaking me. I won’t let him have it. Though it seems like he knows this and has made his own personal game of trying to snatch it from me anyway. And I know I can’t let him win. So though I’m shaking with fear and critical pain I’m channeling any strength left to hide it from him. I crawl away, suddenly dressed back in my white asylum clothes, Lost Boy attire gone.

“You’re helpless, weak, and worthless,” his hands grab my shirt at both shoulders and yanks me at himself. Then Pan introduces a new type of fear to the game when he says, “I ought to let the boys have at you,” and throws me once more on the floor roughly near the bushes that peak through the black smoke.

Exiting the bushes comes Slightly. His face evil and yearning for a certain type of pleasure. Slightly reaches for me with ghostly hands in the dark and I can’t help the shriek scratching from my throat. I’m crawling backwards, away from the bushes when from behind Slightly, more boys emerge from the shrubs, the same look on their faces, the same evil hands trying to grab me.

“Scared, little Jane. Pathetic girl on my island, why are you still living?” I hear Pan’s cold voice behind me.

Pan’s hands grab my shoulders again, pulling me swiftly and so fast I don’t feel my body being slammed into the ground until it’s already happened. I gasp for air as he drags me. He pulls me in the wet dirt. I panic and kick, clawing at his hands.

“No! Let me go! Let go!” I thrash and pull away, trying so hard to get on my feet but he’s stronger, hes always so much stronger.

He yanks me hard making me cry out again and shoves me in front of him. I have no control over where my feet land and where my body is being sent, I can’t stop him from shoving me into a small cage that sits in the dirt.

“No, please! No, no, no! Let me go!” I fight him but his fist connects with my chin and I’m sent flying back against the wooden bars.

I’m jammed into the cage as he tries slamming the door shut, but I jump forward to grab the bars. I push on the door with everything left in me. I’m just barely stopping it from closing all the way but it’s really just him dragging it out. A mean smirk on his face, like he enjoys watching me try so hard for something he can so easily end with an effortless thrust of his arms. My teeth chatter with panic, I don’t want to die. If the door shuts and the click rings out, indicating it’s locked, all hope is lost. The door cannot close. I cannot die locked up.

“Pan, please! Please, don’t do this! Don’t lock me in-”

“If you want out so badly, get it done yourself,” he says harshly. “But we both know you’re too weak to fight for your fate. You’ll stay locked in here until you’re dead.” He spits.

“No,” I whimper, still pushing the door.

He leans in so our faces are close, having complete control of the indecisive door..

“Yes.” is his last word.

Then his arms thrust forward, forcing the door shut all the way. A satisfying click rings out in the exact moment the dark scene is snatched away.

- - -

“Jane! Open the door!”

What?

My eyes open to a yellow blur. I squint, making sense of the ceiling above me. There’s hard pounding at the door. My heart seems to have the same speed as it did in the dream and it’s making my body shiver and shake through a rapid pulse. My brow is damp and so is my back and neck. I breathe out, convincing myself that it was only a dream and I’m not in danger right now, I’m not locked away and I’m allowed to be alive..for the time being.

“Jane!” the door handle quivers roughly, “Open up!”

I shake my head, wiping my cheeks of tears and brow of sweat before swinging my feet over the bed. I fall to the door with sleep swimming behind my eyes and shuffle with the lock before swinging it open. K stands outside my door. His shirt is sweaty, and wet around the collar. His face is red like he’s been running for a while and his eyes are wide with concern. One hand placed on the door frame.

“Are you okay? What’s going on in here?” he speaks rushed and steps to look inside my room. I back up, to let him have a look but my distracted eyes drift to the door.

“I didn’t lock it...” I whisper.

“What?” he urges.

“I-I, I’m not sure,” I touch the back of my neck, looking down and biting my lip.

“Are you alright?”

I nod my head quickly, “Fine. I’m fine. Sorry-I-it, I don’t...”

“What happened? You were screaming, like you were being murdered, what did you do?” he steps inside now.

I back up again, I grab at my hair. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-I mean, I’m sorry I woke you,” I say, still trying to calm my heart. I move around him to look down the hall, hoping I didn’t wake any others.

“What happened?” he asks me from inside my room.

“Did I wake anyone else?” I ask as I finish scoping the hall.

A door four down opens up and on instinct I jump back inside my room, bumping into K but I don’t care. I close the door, feeling fear bubble up again in my chest and turn straight into hyperventilating. K looks at me oddly. My wide eyes meet his and he goes to place his hands on my shoulders but pulls back himself when I glitch away.

“Jane. Breathe.” he says, trying to gain my focus.

I hold his stare and obey, inhaling deeply, then exhaling. It works as I feel the prickles of panic begin to disappear.

“I-It was-uh, just a nightmare. I didn’t mean to wake you, I-”

“You already said that,” he smiles.

I breathe out harshly, “Did I wake anyone else?”

“Calm down, would you?” he widens his smile. “I was up training, you didn’t wake me.”

I listen to him again and I breathe deeply through my nose. He waits patiently for me to find my relax as I’m replaying the convincing in my head;

I’m not in danger I’m allowed to be alive right now. There’s a door right there, I’m not locked up.

It’s alright. I’m fine.

“Nightmares are common here. What was it?” he asks me.

I shake my head. “I shouldn’t have woke you, I’m alright, really,” I go to open the door but he backs away from it.

“What was it?”

He stares at me with a soft look like he knows what I fear, like he has the same fears. He seems to drop some sort of wall and some how I know it’s something I’ve forgotten how to do. I can feel himself letting any restraint go and opening up to be vulnerable. Even more so, he is daring me to join him. His arms open up to me, challenging me to be as vulnerable as he is, to share any fear, to allow any comfort.

And then, I can’t stop my feet walking to him or my arms opening for him, I don’t want to stop them. I reach over his head and embrace him in a deep hug. I’m stiff at the foreign contact but then it’s just too easy to relax into him. He feels really warm and he smells like damp forest.

For a moment, I’m not in Neverland. I’m in a different place, a place I haven’t been to in so long or might’ve even forgotten it existed. It’s a warm place, a place I don’t think I want to ever leave. He holds me in this hug until I feel ready to pull away and when I do, it’s nothing but comfortable silence as I walk to the bed. I lead him, somehow knowing he won’t move unless I move him in my room. My eyes glaze over to my torn blankets thrown on the floor again, and the lamp that was once on my night stand beside them.

I clear my throat and sit with him on my bed, “I, I don’t want to remember...”

“We all get nightmares,” he tells me.

I exhale, “There was, I mean... it was too dark,”

He waits.

“It was Pan. What do you think happened?” I say harsher than I meant. I drop my head, exhaling.

“Even more common. It was a dream. It wasn’t real.” he assures me.

I look at him. I find a want inside of me to scoot closer to him, so I do. He doesn’t flinch or stiffen or feel uncomfortable in any way so I relax even more by resting my head on his shoulder. Such new contact and an experience I’ve never had before, it warms my insides. As if some normality finally found me.

“He is real, K, and he’s in the next room,”

K stays quiet for a moment, “What did he do?” he asks finally.

“What he always does. Brings fear, plays mind games on a power high. Makes it impossible to feel any sort of strength, then expects my soul in return,” I spit.

“We know a different guy,” he defends the master of my nightmares.

“He hurts, K,” I say, knowing he can’t deny that.

It’s quiet for a long time as the night creeps on. I begin to feel my eyes drifting close with a heavy sleep. No longer wishing to remain in the pity party, I get up and walk to the head of the bed. I crawl inside of my torn sheets and get comfortable. I want to ask him to continue the contact. A concept so odd to me, I can’t find how to do it.

Just ask.

I bite my lip, searching so hard for the words to say.

Just do it.

I inhale, feeling dizzy from such an unknown request.

Say it. Just say it.

I open my mouth to speak, but my tongue goes dry.

Just say it!

“You don’t have to leave,” I finally spit out.

He looks at me from the edge of the bed, “Jane. Pan, um, wouldn’t, I mean there’s a, type of...”

I stare at him, understanding that of course Pan still has control, but also so saddened by his rejection of my plead for more comfort. A plead that was so, so hard to put out there. It’s only more anger towards Pan. As if he thinks he has some sick claim over me that stops any type of comfort I might find in his camp.

“Right,” I barely whisper and turn the other way.

Try one more time.

I hear him get up off the bed.

Just one more time.

“K,” I stop him.

“Yeah?”

“...I won’t tell, if you don’t,”

I hear him exhale and I know I did it, I took control back.

He crawls onto the mattress with me, beside me. Such contact as laying with someone is an entire mystery to me, something I’ve never ever felt before. Never have I ever felt such closeness with any person. The asylum was too hectic to get cozy with the girls and before that my life was too...unstable to bask in boys’ arms. Something inside of me tells me to be afraid, but it’s not loud enough. The yearn for comfort is so much louder. K doesn’t get into the covers with me, he lays on top of the messed up blankets, on the edge of the bed. I turn to face him, testing my own waters. Seeing what feels like too much, and what is not enough. He seems so calm, as if he could fall asleep at any second. It assures my decision to ask him to stay with me. He isn’t the slightest bit interested in doing anything that would be at me. He is only here because it’s what I want, what I asked for. And if he is so calm and collected sharing a bed with me, than I can be to. It only assures me even more when he lets me curl on him as I please, not moving a single inch unless I do it for him. He doesn’t make any move to get closer to me, only lets me get as close I feel comfortable with. It’s nearly perfect.

“Thanks, K,” I whisper to him. “Goodnight,” he whispers back.

I wipe my cheek of the small tear left over from the nightmare. I feel my smile and get even cozier against his chest. I nudge his arm with my shoulder so he knows he can close the cuddle. He obeys and wraps his arm around me when I settle. I’ve never felt so comforted. It’s ecstasy. He is so warm. He doesn’t smell bad but of moss and wet wood. I find the label for the place I’ve never been to. It’s safety. For the first time, in a very, very long, I feel completely safe. Nothing else but safeness, not even stress. No fear, no anxiousness. I’m safe in this bed, beside my friend. I close my eyes and remain lying with my friend until sleep engulfs us both.

I should’ve known Pan would destroy the only comfort, the only safety I had. For the next morning, K was taken away by Pan’s orders. All because I had a bad dream.

[voidsiblings]

Putting my two cents in the size debate: the bugs in HK are small because I don't see the point of them being human sized. Because humanity is irrelevant in the world of HK. Thinking about the bugs of hk as bug sized is not demeaning them it's just because they're bugs and they're small in the context of their world. This is a story about small people who are at the whims of beings much larger than they are (the higher being) and I happen to enjoy stories about small people, especially when that smallness is emphasized. A lot of my personal stories are about people being dwarfed by their surroundings.

I'm not being very coherent but I don't want bug furries I want little critters, because I enjoy little critters. When I think of the bugs of hk as small I do not think of myself as large, because I am not part of their world. It's because in my own world I am small and I enjoy stories that reflect this existence of mine. To try to make them "big" like us feels like to have our respect they must be big.

I really hope I don't sound too combative or rude, but tldr I like them small because I am small. And it's fine to be small.

That's a very valid point! Forgive me if I don't have much more to say on the matter, though, because I came up with the poll while I was falling asleep the other night and never expected it to get this widespread—or this serious. I personally enjoy imagining them large, but there's a definitely a point to be made that without an absolute point of reference, size doesn't really matter. And any personal headcanon I have is just that—personal! There's no one right answer for everybody, and canon is flexible enough to accommodate whatever interpretation you please (and it's also perfectly fine to ignore canon if you prefer to.) All my talk of a "wrong answer" was meant to be playful, so I'm sorry if it didn't come across that way. I've enjoyed reading the theory on both sides of the divide but I do hope I haven't caused any actual arguments or legitimate distress with my silly bug poll.

[shinyacademy]

Friends with Frosmoth

I was zooming around in the mountains of Paldea and noticed an outbreak of Frosmoth had popped up. While I'm normally somewhat fearful of bug types, I do love Frosmoth. I find them to be very elegant. The sounds they make are beautiful and reminiscent of winter back in my home region. I thought it would be a wonderful opportunity to add another shiny Pokémon to my home.

As you can see from the photo above, shiny Frosmoth has a beautiful green tint to it instead of its normal purple tint. For me, they are most identifiable by their big green eyes (again, normally purple). Shiny Frosmoth can be a little hard to spot amongst other Frosmoth because they're all white against a very white backdrop of snow - so it's good to pick out key characteristics to watch for when you are hunting.

I set about making the perfect sandwich - or so I thought at the time. I figured boosting ice types would definitely help me find Frosmoth. While I wasn't wrong, in hindsight, it would have been more efficient for me to make a sandwich to attract bug types. Regardless, here is the recipe I used to find my Frosmoth (with a sparkling sandwich pick for good luck)!

Recipe for Attracting Ice Types:

1 Serving of Cucumber

1 Serving of Pickles

3 Servings of Klawf Sticks (don't worry, I'm pretty sure it's imitiation Klawf)

Any 2 Herba Mystica combinations except Sweet & Sour or Double Sour

You can see a picture of the resulting monstrosity of a sandwich in the photo above!

Frosmoth are gentle creatures by nature and not as prone to attack as some other Pokémon, so running between them without provoking an attack was very easy. I was sure to knock out 60 normal Frosmoth or other surrounding Pokémon to make my odds of encountering a wild shiny better. If you loose track in counting, just wait until the notifications for the outbreak say something along the lines of "There aren't very many Pokémon left from the original outbreak". This is your cue to stop KOing Pokémon and throwing short picnics instead, to attract even more Pokémon of the type you want.

Finding a good place to throw a picnic can be challenging sometimes. It's important to remember that the exact place that you throw the picnic is not ultimately very important - just that you throw one to summon new Pokémon to the area if you can't find the shiny Frosmoth among the ones who have gathered after you've KO'ed your 60 Pokémon. Because the slope on the hill was so strong here, I had to run a fair ways south of the area the Frosmoth were in just to keep the table upright!

Spotting shiny Frosmoth turned out to be as challenging as I had anticipated, as she was off in a corner away from the other Frosmoth and her face was turned away from me so I couldn't see her bright green eyes. Luckily, I did a double take and was able to spot the tips of her green wings instead!

The battle to get her in a Pokeball was long and heart pounding - I made things more difficult on myself by insisting on getting her in a Premiere Ball! If Frosmoth had any moves that could let her exit battle or KO herself, I would have planned differently and used a ball with stronger catch abilities instead. Luckily, in this case I could just be stubborn and eventually Frosmoth settled into her ball.

I named her Menthe after the naiad from Greek mythology! It's also Mint in French! 🌿 She gets along great with the rest of the team and particularly loves to zoom around with Din the Dragapult.

She's also been very helpful in Tera raids! her unique combination of bug and ice typing with the bug tera type makes her downright formidable in certain situations! While she's a bit of a glass cannon, I know she definitely impresses when she sparkles on to the battlefield!

That's it for now, trainers! Until next time, stay shiny! ✨

[xx-lemon-drop-xx]

Hi! If you’re still taking requests, could I please have a twisted wonderland matchup?

My Name is Rachel, Im 18, heterosexual and my pronouns are she/her.  My zodiac sign is Taurus and Im a Gemini rising. I have brown hair that comes a few inches below my shoulders, brown eyes and freckles.

I’m a really optimistic person, and I try to help others as much as I can! I’m good at giving advice, and making people feel better. I’m also very charismatic and very outgoing! I love trying out new activities, But, I can get impatient easily and I tend to be stubborn. I’m very affectionate and I tend to make sure that everyone around me is feeling alright before making sure that I am. Basically, I’m like the mom friend. In a partner, I usually like people who are patient, loyal and can make me smile and feel wanted!

I really enjoy fashion design. I love sewing and coming up with a new ideas of something I can make! I’m also really passionate about music. I’ve played piano since second grade, and it really helps me to express myself! Some of my other hobbies include baking, crocheting and shopping. My personal style is a kind of mix between softie and angelcore. I love clothes that are pink, ruffly or have some sort of lace on them. Some things I like include, pretty perfume bottles, flowers, and jewelry I have a huge sweet tooth, so I also really like desserts! I absolutely hate bugs.

I hope this is good, thank you so much!! <33

Hello Rachel! You're paired with: Rook!

Enthusiastic, enigmatic, and a social butterfly Rook supports all things he loves with an ecstatic passion. He finds a love in something no matter what it is and it's usually accompanied in a french slur of words. He may keep a watchful stalking eye out on you to learn as much as he can due to being Hunter but he means you no harm.

Rook enjoys your kind and caring personality and happily chats with you for hours in end if you'd let him. He finds your love of music and the way you play the piano enchanting and enjoys sitting around the music room listening to you perform your masterpieces. Rook also has a love of fashion as shown with his enjoyment of Vil's beauty of Looks and clothing choices, and the same goes for you.

I feel Rooks favorite thing to do with you is take you out to some of the secret hidden spots in NRC's surrounding forests that are just as pretty as you. He enjoys making you bouquets of flowers and also understands the language of flowers as well. Most of the time he will bring an assortment of Camellias, Orchids, Ranunclus', and roses.

And you don't need to worry about the bugs with him. "Je serai ton exterminateur d'insectes personnel mon amour~" He promises to kill every big in sight. Just give him a call. He enjoys learning how to crochet with you, and picks it up rather easily as well. Rooks favorite part about you is your eyes. He declares they are the window into your heart.

Rook will call you plenty of french pet names, such as but not limited too: Ma amour, chérie, Très chére, etc.

Find character matchup form here

[phantalgia]

The Grand Adderall Experiment 1

I’m on Adderall! Yippee! So a lot has happened these past few days...obviously. I did something yesterday I need to save for another time. Perhaps later today.

But I’m trying Adderall! And I want to make some notes and observations on what I feel with Adderall.

9/28/24

So I took adderall for the first time yesterday. As soon as I did. I was pacing and ruminating for hours on end. I couldn't stop. And then the strangest thing happened. I was pacing and ruminating when all of a sudden, like a train just hit me, it stops. It was such a weird experience. A switch just came on. I became aware of what I was doing and went "what the hell is my brain doing? I don’t want to pace anymore".

After that new things started to happen pretty quickly. My brain felt sluggish or slow. I was ruminating less. I felt fatigued and mellow. Zombie-like was what I used. I felt more aware of my surroundings but also centered at the same time. But there was this conflicting feeling of wanting to be nervous and mellow. Very strange.

This zombie-like state made me think about my thinking. I was realizing that I didn't know how I was thinking. I became so hyperaware of my brain but it seemed like words just came out of my mouth like magic with no source. There was this conflict in me where it felt like anything I read or watched just went straight through me with no processing at all. Something I would realize today has happend before, not on adderall, when I was in high school. Which has some revelations I will get to in a moment.

I went out yesterday all day pretty much. Bad idea. This was when I noticed the adderall was affecting my autonomic nervous system. I feel more emotional, but catatonic, my nausea was bad, I was uhhh pissing myself (only leaking), nerve pain, nerve surges/goosebumps, headaches, fever like, hypertension, elevated heart rate (only went up to 100), galbladder spasms, IBS, feeling faint, nausea, fingers going numb, clamy hands, tinnitus, brain fog, heart sometimes did something, sweating. The thing about it though was I was so calm the entire time. I felt these things and they were just there. They came and went like every 30-60 seconds. A couple of symptoms, all of them, or one. Some lingered on too long. It was both a conflict with having a calm nervous system and a hyperactive one at the same time. It was very conflicting. I would have one moment where Id be chiller than chill and then back to feeling like crap. I kept fluctuating between these calm and not calm states quickly. But I was overall calm with it. As in calm with those bad states. It was a little strange.

Eventually when I arrived at my destination (2 hour car ride). Symptoms for the most part subsided. I was feeling ok where I was but was laughing too much to the point of crying and shaking. Then I got really sick again, feverish, and so on. I....need to talk about my experience at this place later. This was also affecting my health. It was a big deal. Both being there and my health.

We went home, the car ride was fine, smooth. I felt not great. But not awful. By the time I got out of the car. I was shuffling and almost catatonic. I was like semi disassociating. I felt unreal. I was hot. And the relief I got from just crashing into bed was so satisfying. Other things happened that night that bugged me but whatever.

9/29/24

My second time trying adderall. Same thing happened. Blood pressure is high. Heart rate is in the 80s (is usually in the late 60s-70s). And all the other symptoms are there. However. I kind of woke up feeling a little crappy so I had a head start.

This time I laid down while I waited for it to kick in. I made some observations about what was going on in my head and body. Here's what I realized:

My brain felt idle, passive but unable to process things. It's like my brain was moving but I didnt know how it was doing it. Looking at things felt like I was looking at hieroglyphics. I feel like im watching myself in third person. Sure the rumination has been reduced or become fuzzy. Pacing has stopped. But I feel something is wrong. Like I feel confused. Zombie-like? I had this phantom pain and head tingly. I feel nervous but not nervous? I cant decide what I want to be.

Then I got flash backs to school. Being in math class. My head feeling tingly, phantom pain in my neck and head, numbers and symbols looking foreign to me. Confused as to what I’m doing. My brain being idle. Any attempt at thinking met with pushback in my mind. My throat being tight, sharp headaches from my nerves. I was also distracted easily and uncomfortable or overstimulated. I felt feverish and like my body was gonna pop. I would be jumping around joking goofing off. All these conflicting things happening. Then I had more realizations...

This feeling I’m getting with adderall is the same feeling I got at school. And now I’m wondering if I had hypertension in math class or other times at school. Because these effects from brain fog to physicial symptoms were all happening then too. The only difference now. I don’t ruminate, pace and am calmer. I remember reading books the same pages over and over again with a stuck brain. That stuck brain causes so much pain and frustration and makes me feel sick and emotional. The SAME sensations I get with adderall.

It's like I’m trying to think or focus. But it won’t move. So I’m wondering if this is really ADHD or something like hypertension because Ive been getting it since school. I don’t know. I still feel semi all over the place on it? It's hard to tell. I feel a little overstimulated but also not. It's hard to describe. Oh!

Another thing. Respiratory alkalosis. I realized I got that during out loud reading at school! I just remembered that! But it was very subtle. Not enough to affect me too bad. But I remember some dizziness.

Anyway. I feel very emotional today. Which could be the adderall and autonomic issues. I’m talking with my friend who I have feelings for and I don’t like talking to them. I have this urge to want to hold them and cry to them so bad. I need someone who I feel so close like that so bad. Ugh. But that's a whole other thing. I need to focus on my body and mind right now.

I guess it's the adderall, maybe covid, maybe just an emotional week. Maybe I’m vulnerable right now. I don’t know. I feel really emotional. I kind of always been that way? But it's stronger now. I get emotional swings a lot with or without adderall.

What Next?

I am probably going to keep experimenting with adderall and see if I cant get anymore insights into my own history, my current mind and body. I wanna take it until I cant take it anymore.

The symptoms Ive been getting and the subsequent relation to my past and current self are really telling. Adderall affects the CNS so it's not a shock that it might be causeing some adverse effects on autonomic stability. However, I would need extra clarity on that.

I don’t think my focusing has changed much. I mean Ive been writing this entire time and I’m still bouncing between things. There might be a slight improvement to focus? I just notice I get these urges and sensations that I need to TEND TO something otherwise it will eat me alive. Like a notification. But something FEELS clearer in some way that I don’t know. Like I can write fine, but something does feel sort of different. Just not that extreme. It's probably minor.

Perhaps it's the zombie-like side effects that make me feel "clear". While the brain idleness, and other symptoms are causing issues. My throat is tight and I feel uncontrollably nervous in my upper body and head.

Conclusion For Now

So, it seems there's an autonomic part of this that I’m not getting? ADHD is still hard to tell because I would need to talk to my doctor about my feelings with Adderall. I want to try to keep taking it and see what every day life is like for me. If I can get past the hypertension and autonomic effects.

But it is telling to me that Adderall managed to give me these flashbacks and analyze and think about and compare past me and current me with adderall. The differences and similarities. What does this brain stuckness sensation mean exactly? I want to know. Why does it cause so much distress. Why is adderall probing at that? Gotta do more research and digging. And some thoughts from my doctor.

Note: Ive been distracted with understanding my own brain for a moment. And been thinking about my difficulties with understanding plots to things, communicating ideas that make sense in my head in real time, that brain idleness/fog, and short term memory issues. Don’t know what to think of it yet. I often am better at communicating my thoughts in a space like this where I can write and delete and revise or think about what I’m saying instead of saying something out of context or that doesnt make sense. I need to think things through and break them down before I explain. However I still have some problems finding words or ways to explain things in writing but also am spontaneous with it. Afterall, my grammar and writing skills are BAD. But I don’t care. I confuse my doctor sometimes when I talk to them. And that can happen sometimes with therapists. Maybe it's just the setting? I don’t know.

Note 2: I just realized. This brain idleness makes no sense when I’m able to write all of this. Perhaps it's just the feeling of being a passive zombie in these things. I still ruminate. And go over the same thoughts over and over again. Maybe they feel more fuzzy now? Or I can redirect better? I don’t know what I’m thinking. It's like I’m thinking but not thinking. Where is anything coming from? It feels like I can't think deeply? Or is it I cant repeat the same thoughts? I don’t know! I might give an update later.

[blueshykitsune-blog]

Gotta love when I'm not afraid of a bug or panicking after seeing a bug or other things that others consider pests or have common fears for.

Not like hating on people but if I met someone afraid of bugs, like even flies or ants I'd help them out. Unlike some people I knew who would only traumatize them more than help.

Like many times I see a spider and I just look at it. Normally a big spider when I'm alone for some reason... like big as in maybe the size of my palm, like max. I either have to kill it because brain thinks violence, or I ignore it the best I can as they tend to go back into the old walls of the house I live in which wouldn't be shocking to have thousands of them in there honestly. After all we have eggs outside before even if it was a many years ago.

Okay so I know some people are afraid of ants and well small common walking bugs. Even potato/rolypoly bugs. I'd definitely help out. Also I've had an ant bite me before and it hurts! (Flying ant... it was scared and I made it worse but I did get it out my hair afterhaving a mini panic because there was a weird noise coming from my head.)

Sadly however I can't say I'm not violent to bugs and I have killed many. Yet many I have not too.

Flies are... we don't talk about them. Too many literally target me to "attack" (fly aroundand whack me in the face, usually multipletimes or fly around my face. Also one night thought a fly got in my ear before and it scared me because like what do you even do then? Also I was young child maybe teen?)

Oh actually I've had a few wasps get inside. Normally they chill. Usually have someone else take care of them when I can't or if they are closer but sometimes I can get them to follow me back outside.

We get moths in the house too. I actually helped a panicked moth earlier to get back outside after it panicked a bit. It seemed to enjoy being outside and flew off.

We have had a few strange beetles and common house beetles inside too. One being a carpet beetle. Many others we didn't know the name of or I don't remember myself. I think one was like a fire beetle? Not too sure. Oh we've had ladybugs and those orange ones. (Orange yellow ones I've been told are horrible bad ones while the red orange are ladybugs. Some lightning can make them look identical sadly.)

We probably had a grasshopper or similar bug inside before too. Honestly it's more of what we haven't had inside that really says stuff.

Then again that's just my house. Like elsewhere we've had bees inside a camper which stung my sister in her sleep (she's extremely allergic to it and well... was brought to medical people to help her because of the bad swelling.) <I'm not allergicas far as I know but I only have one known allergy and I'd like it to stay that way. One allergy is enough for me.>

Oh I've been around mud wasps, though outside. And those really big moths that actually bite, yeah seen one but outside. Of course I've had mosquitoes in my house and outside too. Kinda sucks.

Uh... hm... oh right of course there are butterflies around but I'm not sure if any have been inside my house. Nor elsewhere but I don't remember.

Okay now to the less bug side I've had mice inside my house, obviously non pet mice. (Father and the sister I mentioned before are allergic to them and honestly most animalsin the rodent family so no rodents for me... aside from my mother's micro hamsters which all are dead and we've not gotten new ones for years now. But that's like the fish we've had.)

Cats, yes some call them pests sadly. However the ones that run inside are the friendly ones we like around to help rid of mice and some bugs that we don't want from the house or surrounding areas. They also help rid of less friendly cats too. And they are fixed now but the one had two children and sadly most likely one that didn't make it past birth. After a bit was when they got fixed so they couldn't have children. We lost one of the three we had and don't know if he died or what. Before those one we did have a different one who did indeed die sadly, we literally helped that one out though as it was alone and really young.

We've had a few stray dogs come by too, or loose dogs. Mostly friendly ones. We do usually get them home some way or another but I remembered this one dog walked into our house following my dad once. It was a tad scary to see a dog suddenly there but we sent it home. I think it might've been a pitbull? Or similar dog... kinda hard to remember. We've had a husky come by too and we took care of it. The pitbull like one was in the evening to night. The husky was during day. We've probably had others but those are the ones I remember. Oh and yes some people call stray dogs pests sadly.

Hm... well I guess birbs too. Though I don't think any birbs been inside... none ghat I can say for definite right now. Birds are also sometimes called pests...

Honestly dislike the usage of pests at times... okay post ends here

[chateau7afra]

22/10/23

I missed the gentle caw caw noises crows make. The air smelled like wood-smoke and I could hear traditional music coming from my neighbours garden. Um-Ta-Ta music, they call it lovingly. I don't call it that lovingly. I could do without it, but it reminds me of my childhood, so I guess that's a good enough excuse to smile at it while walking by. The mixture between the low setting sun and the warm temperatures is unsetteling in a very subtle kind of way. It's not a crazy juxtaposition, but weird enough to be noticeable.

A small swarm of gnats were frantically flying zig-zag lines through the middle distance. I wondered, if they shouldn't be dead or frozen. By the time we put up halloween decorations, the forest is usually heavily painted in colours other than green, but this year it is still mostly yellow, or lush green.

This was the longest summer of my life. Yet.

It's 9 days until halloween and I still feel like it's late summer. A couple of weeks ago, people were still swimming in the danube. Normal people, not the crazy ice bathing ones.

I always wanted to move somewhere south, which is the central-european way of saying "somewhere warmer", but I never thought, that "south" would so freely move to central europe. Which is again, unsetteling, to say the least.

When I walked to the small creek that is near my family's house, I heard frogs croaking and noticed even more gnats hovering above the water.

Again, they should get ready to be frozen too, in my books.

I watched the crows again, flying circles over the fields, behind them the halfmoon, which has already risen. Beautiful.

Dad came back from the forest and told us, the wild boars ventured out into the fields again. I don't blame them.

They dig up big holes in the fields and the farmers and hunters have to close them again. I'm not exactly sure, what they are looking for. But probably bugs and roots.

I didn't go through the forest yet, to check for mushrooms. I don't look for edible ones, because I am very sure that I would kill myself and others, if I cooked anything I found in the woods. I know what chanterelles and toadstools look like, but that is it. I like to take pictures of them though. Last year I found a couple of fairy rings. That is the thing when mushroom grow in perfect circles. It has something to do with mycellium, but I'd rather think of it as something magical, which is more fun.

Mum harvested some apples and a huge zucchini. We made a ragout and applesauce. It always grounded me, to cook with foods that grow on the farm.

Our farm is situated in a small valley. I am sometimes jealous of the farms and houses, which are on the hills, because they get more sunshine and a better view. We are basically surrounded by forest. Which I don't hate.

Sometimes, we get deer grazing with their little ones, right in front of my window, under the apple trees. The scene feels very peaceful, especially when there is some fog lingering on the field, which happens a lot because of the little stream, that bubbles it's way through the houses.

It feels a little less peaceful during the night. Deer make a sound that seems to not be from this world. You can hear a lot of different sounds in the forest. I've never really see badgers, wild boars and foxes, but they are around. They just don't want me to see them.

Sometimes we find our chicken's eggs in weird places. I love it when that happens. I wish I could pretend it's magic. But it's just ferrets. I still wonder how they transport them so professionally.

I don't blame people from the olden days, for being supersticious and believe in ghosts and all of that. Without the full moon it's pitch black in the forest. For human eyes at least.

I want to be a fox, just for one full moon night and stroll through the forest. Just to see what's going on in there. A night were all the hunters are asleep though.

[f4t4j7]

Kidsplay at the playground

A reminiscent story by me:

Our kindergarten playground was enormous, like a world just for us. At least that’s what it felt like at the time. Surrounded by chestnut trees that towered over us, seemingly reaching the sky. Milk crates were stacked atop each other like stairs in an attempt to reach the branches, the leaves.

When we got tired of trying to touch the clouds, we redirected our attention to the ground, to the creatures of the dirt. Small, but not small enough to keep hidden. Centipedes and pill-bugs were an easy find, ants and earwigs as well. Snails and beetles were like trophies, not rare, but more excting to see. We threw them in a plastic bucket with some sticks and leaves, expecting them to adapt to life anew, in their now much smaller world, surrounded by sleek yellow walls.

For better or for worse, spiders didn’t meet the same fate. Their legs we plucked off, laughing as they still moved for a bit afterwards, like a newly decapitated chicken. Even then I thought it seemed cruel, but the lack off a sound scream, and the amusement on the other’s faces got the better of me.

What truly divided us was the snow. Back then it fell heavy and reached us to our knees. I rolled out a snowball, kept rolling it for a while, until it was to big to push around by myself. Some came to my aid, and we pushed on further. Others wanted to join as well. They’d do another snowball, one that could be put atop the other to make a snowman. At first it went well, then it didn’t. One group got greedy, taking all the good snow for themselves, the snow that was fresh and pure white, leaving us with the scraps.

First come first serve? No, it meant war, and to win it, we’d use any means. The leaves from the chestnut trees that once seemed so far out of our reach, were now laying dead on the snow, their green color long gone, replaced by a muddy brown. Beneath them was a thick layer of snow, untouched, yet viewed as too ugly to be of use to the snowballs. Not to us, not anymore, those times were long behind us.

Our snowball soon grew to twice the size of the other, covered in rotten leaves, yet it reigned supreme. Soon it got too big to move any further, and there was no more clean snow for the other to use. The war was over, our snowball had won. Only for us to realize that the other had grown too heavy for us to place atop the other, leaving them both standing without further purpose. One unable to grow without blemishing it’s pure surface. The other, having grown all it could, into something dirty that could no longer be glossed over by a cleaner layer of snow, both because of the lack of said clean snow, and it having grown past the point of fixing.

We left them both there. Went on with our lives, none of us truly winners.

[bakutogeorgia]

Day 4, Sheki, 11th May

Being on this type of tour is a unique experience for me. Everyone is of a certain age, all seasoned travellers and nice but it’s a lot different to being on a Christine Tour which is my only other experience of a tour. Well, I did do that small tour in South Korea last year which was fabulous. Then we were in a mini bus and were instant friends. On Christine’s tours everyone knows each other before we travel so it’s a lot of fun. There are no younger people or BTS fans on this tour, as far as I know. We are a group of 13 strangers now travelling in a huge bus so plenty of room to spread out but I do miss the fun conversations we used to have at the back of the bus. I’m still sitting there but by myself. Everyone has a story to tell so the group is interesting and I’m sure they will be good to travel with. Just different. There is plenty to see and learn about which is the main point.

Russia is only 220 kms from Baku and where we are tonight is even closer. The border with Russia is also closed. We drove past the International Bus station in Baku and it’s hardly operational at the moment with all the surrounding borders being closed. Buses are just doing local trips.

The countryside was still barren west of Baku to start.

The further we drove the greener the countryside became. We were heading up into the mountains. First stop today was at the Baba Mausoleum in Maraza village. This area was settled by the Russians, in the early 1900’s. Russian is spoken here. The Mauseleum has been here since 1402. Along with the ancient cemetery, the caves around the tomb are considered a holy pilgrimage site for the population of the Shirvan region.

We had to don hard hats to go into the caves.

The cemetery.

Coming into the old capital city. Along the walls were plaques of famous artists and poets of Azerbaijan.

It was a bit of a religious day, today as our next stop was at the Juma Mosque of Shamakhy which was constructed in 743. It was seriously damaged in earthquakes in 1859 and 1902 and also during the March genocide of 1918. Armenia Nationalists set the mosque on fire in 2010 and 2013. It’s been extensively restored and rebuilt.

Inside the mosque which is relatively plan compared to many I’ve seen in other countries.

Artefacts and old foundations of previous mosques.

There are a lot of little Russian cars in this area.the taxi driver gave me a bug wave. The car was pretty bashed for a taxi.

We had lunch at a local restaurant in the mountains which was lovely being in all the green.

The Azerbaijan’s are big on salads. They bring out these big plates and you choose what you want. Food isn’t expensive.

This bread is make in clay pots. Very yummy.

Lamb is always on the menu and we saw a lot around this area being herded.

Our last stop of the day was at the Albanian Church in Kish. The history of the church is related to the history of Christianity spreading in Caucasian Albania. To reach the church we took taxis up the windy narrow streets through the village as the bus wouldn’t fit.

View to the mountains. A massive contrast to the coastal areas.

The church inside was very plain.

A rug remnant from the 1700’s

Beautiful garden at the church.

Houses all seem to have walls around them like compounds. It’s left over from Russian times where they want their privacy and for safety.

Streets and walls made from river stone.

Traditional shops outside our hotel.

[clumsiestgiantess]

Thought this would be a nice prompt for the Thanos Snap Doomsday Crisis Scenario!  Enjoy a little oneshot!

The universe couldn’t have picked a worse day to mess with my life.  I’d finally scored a date with a guy I’d had a crush on for years and just recently worked up the courage to tell.  Then, the Shrinking happened.  I guess I should consider myself lucky.  I wasn’t driving or somewhere crowded when it happened.  However, I wasn’t lucky enough to escape becoming an Affected.  That’s where everything fell apart.  Actually, that’s when the world fell apart.

One second I sat across from Ethan at an ice cream bar, trying not to look too flustered when he’d offered me a scoop of his own flavor for me to try.  And the next moment my vision went blurry, finally clearing to reveal a field-sized area that was made of nothing but plastic.  “Cameron?”  His voice echoed in the vast space and my heart began pounding.  In the same moment, a bloodcurdling shriek resounded from everywhere at once.  I whirled around to watch what looked like a movie on the world’s largest screen play out far beyond me.  A woman fearfully stomped at a handful of bugs on the floor, which scattered away from her as she crushed them.

Before I could even get a thought through my head, a terrifying earthquake shook the place, along with fearsome crunching and shattering sounds.  Through the storefront windows that I’d been sitting near, I stared at the suv that had driven through the side of the store beside this one.  People scrambled around outside as more cars veered off the road.  Half of them were looking at the ground, trying to dodge things I couldn’t see from where I stood, and the others were just running — scrambling away from vehicles that had crashed into eachother out of nowhere.  Some of the cars had burst into flames upon impact, that’s how fast they were going.

I stumbled backwards, then looked down at myself and up at my surroundings.  Everything was recognizable, but horribly twisted.  The plastic seat I fit comfortably in before took up the entire area I’d previously called a field.  The table’s surface where my ice cream still sat was a good five or six stories above me.  

What the hell is everything so big for?  Am I having a migraine?  Is this some kind of weird headache vision thing, or am I really just.. small?  The awful loud screech of a chair being pulled back tore my gaze from the awful scene outside to the growing chaos inside.  A colossal-sized Ethan rushed to the panicked woman’s side and helped get rid of some of the bugs while guiding her towards the door.  Holy shit, I’m the size of a bug! I realized, Thank god they’re killing them all.  I don’t want to fight a bug at my size.  

It took me a moment to rethink that last thought.  “No!  No!  Wait, STOP!” I cried, rushing to the edge of the chair and peering down.  “Those are PEOPLE!”  Sure enough, some of the impossibly small people — like myself — rushed underneath my chair, hiding behind its legs.  The faint sound of screaming and sobbing echoed up to me from below.  “Please!  Ethan!  You have to stop!”  But it really wasn’t much use to yell.  Everyone below me was shrieking for their lives but it didn’t do them much good.  I could only look on as he crushed every poor soul that tried to make a run for it across the floor.  My stomach churned nastily, and I had to tear my gaze away from the smeared red stains that started accumulating on the tile floor.

Oh god, how many people shrunk?  How many people just died right there?!  They barely got the chance to realize what happened to them!  Now all the crashes, the people dodging around, all made sense.  But it didn’t.  Why was it-  “Cameron?”  The sheer scale of the voice speaking my name made my skin crawl.  Shakily, I turned around.  Ethan walked over to our table after helping the woman out of the store, then scanned the horrors out the window, searching for me.  “What in the world..?”  Even his shocked whisper was terrifyingly loud.  “C- Cameron!  Where’d you go?”

I felt so sick; I didn’t know what to do.  What if I get his attention and he crushes me like all those other people?  What if I don’t get his attention and I’m stuck here forever?  Well, it wouldn’t be forever, it would be till someone swept me off the seat or crushed me by sitting down.  I couldn’t decide which was worse.

However, as Ethan turned to the door to try to find me outside, I panicked.  “ETHAN!” I screamed at the top of my lungs!  He flinched and looked around.  I guess my small voice must’ve sounded far away enough to be outside, though.  He raced out the door before I could get him to stop.  No no no, come back!  I stared at my date through the window, hoping desperately that he could somehow sense that I was staring at him and return.

The people below me started talking, and I peered to the floor again.  The few of them that were left helped pick eachother up and began brainstorming a plan now that the colossal people had left.  Just as I got the idea to call to the group for help instead, Ethan came barreling back inside as an explosion further down the road rattled everything.  He scrambled to his feet, gasping for breath and cursing about how quickly everything had gone to shit.  Turning mournfully at my seemingly empty chair, his gaze landed on the group of surviving people.

A pained anger moved over his expression and he lashed out at them.  “Damn bugs!  You’re everywhere!  You’re the ones who started all this!”  He grabbed my seat and shoved it back to uncover them as they ran.  Ducking down, he aimed to kill the whole gathering in one go.  “NO!  ETHAN!  DON’T DO IT!  THEY’RE-!”  I was cut off as he moved the chair again, shooting up to his full height and looking around intently.  “Hello?”  Swallowing the bile in my throat, I called out again.  He hadn’t seen me yet, but he’d definitely heard me, which might have saved my life.  “ETHAN!  I’M STILL HERE!  I’M RIGHT HERE IN MY SEAT!  I NEVER LEFT!  JUST LOOK CAREFULLY!  PLEASE!”

As if in slow motion, his head swiveled downward.  Piercing grey-green eyes locked on to me and his hand lifted to swat me away.  “NO!  ETHAN, IT’S ME!”  I dropped to my knees and tucked into myself, bracing for the worst.  When I managed to open my eyes, I found his hand there, hovering above me with hesitation.  Slowly, it retreated.  Lowering himself so his head was level with the seat, I watched as an eye about the same height as myself finally settled on mine.

“Please,” I gasped, stumbling forward, “We aren’t bugs!  Don’t kill anyone else!  Don’t kill me!”  The gigantic eye widened frightfully.  “C- Cameron?” he stammered weakly.  “Yeah!  Yes, it’s me, I'm right here!”  Ethan scrambled backwards, a look of raw terror on his face.  His gaze lands on the place where the others used to be gathered before they all fled.  Horrified, he slowly turns deeper into the store, staring at the stains that are scattered across it.  “Fuck,” he whispers, then retches.  “F- Fucking shit!  Those were…”  He retches again.

“Hey!” I yell, trying to snap him out of it.  He flinches harshly, then turns back to me.  The shine in his eyes is gone, and he looks at me dully.  A pang of sympathy strikes my chest.  He had no idea what he was doing.  He was just trying to help someone who was scared.  “It’s.. It’s alright,” I manage to lie.  Ethan shudders, “You’re so small.  I- I can’t even understand you and you’re like a foot away…”  Quickly he glances back at the unintended carnage, then back to me.  “What did I do?”  “I know you didn’t mean to hurt anyone!  You were just trying to-”  Ethan shakes his head, “I can’t understand you.  I want to come closer, but…”  He holds up a shaking hand and stares at it — the same one he’d nearly crushed me with.

Another explosion shakes the place and a few non-shrunken people rush behind the modern metal wall of the store to avoid the damage done outside.  A piece of metal flies through the air and wedges itself in the glass.  “Someone’s bombing us!” one of the newcomers cries.  Their friend begins piling chairs and tables against the door, barricading it from an attack.  One of them starts blocking the window beside me and reaches for my chair.

“STOP!  DON’T TOUCH THAT!”  I yelp in pain and throw my hands over my ears at the sound of Ethan’s yelling.  Thankfully, the person backs off my chair and my date rushes forward.  He reaches for me several times as I stand there in a mixture of terror and relief.  Every time his massive fingers get close, he backs off me again, afraid of hurting me.  “Just hold out your hand,” I tell him, but he just stares worriedly at me.  Suddenly, his eyes brighten slightly and he leans down closer so his ear is right beside the chair.  “What did you say?” he asks.  “I.. I said you can just hold out your hand for me.  Can you- Can you hear me?”  Ethan nods enthusiastically, then turns to me again, letting his palm fall open against the seat.

It hadn’t really clicked just how much bigger he was than me until his hand settled beside me.  To me, each of his fingers were about five feet thick.  I could lean on the side of one like a bar counter.  Ethan noticed my hesitation.  “Cam, I swear I’ll be gentler.  I- I know you’re probably terrified of me, but I can’t just leave you out here like this.  I’d feel so much more awful if you ended up getting crushed or something horrible happened without me there.”  Visions of blood spattering the ground around his shoes haunted my subconscious, but I shook them away.  That was all the more reason I needed someone big, like him, to vouch for me against the vastly unsafe world and people around me.

Ethan leaned in as I spoke.  “I trust you,” I told him firmly, “Just.. please keep me safe.”  He nods at me dutifully, and I heave myself up into his palm.  The texture is beyond wild.  I tuck myself against a crease of skin as he cups his fingers over me.  I’m held there for a long time, feeling the quick rise and fall of his pulse thrumming against me.  Every so often he’d whisper updates to me: “We’re hiding in here till everything dies down”, “They’re opening the barriers now”, “It looks like the apocalypse out here.  I’m just gonna walk home; no way I can drive through this”,  “I.. keep seeing little things moving around but they disappear every time I get close”, “I hope they find somewhere safe to stay”.

As he walks, his hand grows warmer.  I stretch out in it, moving to align myself with the crease of his palm that I’m huddled beside.  Exhaustion settles over me.  Between the comfort of ensured safety, the incredibly exhausting and frightening experience I’d had, and the heat radiating from Ethan’s hand beneath me, I’m asleep before I even realize I’m tired.  My first day being an Affected certainly could’ve gone better, but thanks to Ethan, it hadn’t gotten any worse.

Small newly-shrunk terrified person desperately trying to signal to their full-sized friend that they're there, that it's them, only to realize that when they are finally seen their friend is now equally terrified and freaked out. Now they're trying to console a person who can barely hear them. Now they have something to focus on so they stuff all that terror down and work on bucking up someone who, two minutes ago, they were worried would crush them by accident.