#but damn whatever this is has hands in literally being beaten to a pulp here 💀

[squuote]

Imma just start talking bout my ocs as if they’re real ass dudes. they’re real in my head. mori is waving

[cowandcalf]

H50 9.11 – 'Hala i ke ala o'i'ole mai'

Part 1 – The Hug between Steve and Danny

The reason why I look at an episode the kind way is that I'm never unprepared. Yes, there are of course moments, situations that suck and the way the plot is unfolding is not always the way I wished it to happen. But that's all I get. That's the show – let's say I know my opponent after over eight years (producer, director, writers…). I know what I'm going to get, no surprises there.

There's no reason for me to fight that because the only thing that would break would be my heart. I try to deal with it because Hawaii Five-0 is my happy place. I'll try to explain here why I loved and enjoyed this episode and why I’ve really liked it a lot and why it shook me, made me cry, let me muse over scenes and tiny, important moments and all the unsaid words between the short sentences.

There's also the other side. I know the writers have their ideas and they always put a meaning behind situations. I try to look past my McDanno wishes, past my own version of Five-0. I've engaged in this version the writers have chosen for this episode. I truly believe that there's always a deeper meaning behind actions, situations and why they are handled the way we watch it on the show. I also believe that the writers care for the characters and their actions. I really believe that, and I try to understand the meaning they've put in there.

So, let's have a closer look.

Steve's and Danny's meeting in the very beginning was way different than I've expected. At first, of course, I was disappointed, and I've thought – c'mon guys! That's all you give us? This lousy hug between my guys? That's some big heartless shit you let me see there! BUT ohmygod – there's a reason why the hug felt cold, distant and unreal. And Danny sensed that immediately. Steve pushed him away, non-verbally, but with all the power he could muster to make Danny keep a certain distance.

Because... this hug? This was in no way a Steve hug.

We all know how Steve hugs – especially Danny: It's totally emotional and his whole body is involved. It's encompassing, engrossing with his emotions. Steve likes to tug Danny to his chest; wrap him up in his body, one hand always goes up and sneaks towards the nape of Danny's neck. Steve often props his chin on Danny's shoulder and he normally closes his eyes. Both his long arms are tightly looped around Danny as if he never wanted to let go again.

Steve would have definitely closed his eyes with this hug in Montana because Danny would have turned this one in a special, important, meaningful hug. But Steve didn't let him! He couldn't, and he didn't want Danny to hug him with all the emotions that would have been there.

Danny knew the moment he got out of the car that things have changed. Steve's in Montana for over four weeks now. Danny came all the way to see Steve because apparently, Steve didn't have any intention to return home and somehow, he hadn't been in no mood to tell Danny what his plans were. Danny asks him if it wasn't time to go home. It's been four weeks now. There's a worry in Danny's voice. He's testing the waters and his face shows everything. He has no chance to get closer to Steve. Steve has shut him out. And it hurts Danny, but he can't do a thing about it. He only can accept what's happening and roll with it. There are some lingering touches of Danny's hands, briefly but the contact is there as if he hopes that Steve might cave, might want to be closer. Steve doesn't. Steve actually feels uncomfortable when he hugs Danny. That's a first.

Watch Steve, take a real good look at him. He's dirty, a stained tee shirt, dirt smudges (no blood) all over his arms, up to his biceps – on both arms. It seems as if he wears this shirt for days now. His face shows alert and there's this streak of being haunted. Steve looks stressed out, clinging with the teeth to reality.

I look at Steve and see all these details and something big is missing – his energy field (aura) has shifted like massively. A new message wafts around him like fog. It's a huge difference compared to the time before Joe's death and this is not only because he can't deal with grief. There's something bigger that hollows Steve out, that makes the invisible tags around his neck more visible. There's a message on this tag 'I can't give a shit anymore because I'm not worth it.'

When Danny arrives there's this moment. Steve crouches down behind this big tub, his gaze close to feverish and intense, with wary eyes he watches the car. Danny gets out – and Steve literally slumps, and he even closes his eyes for a moment. He fucking folds into himself on the spot when he recognizes Danny. And I can see how Steve steels himself, hardens everything inside him to be able to face the moment. To face Danny. Steve can't stand to see Danny because it hurts so much!

The explanation for that moment and this awkward hug is given further into their mission. Steve mentions to Catherine that he's responsible for Joe's death. If he hadn't had trusted Greer and if he hadn't had a blind spot for her, he maybe would have sensed that's she's going to betray all his team and get everyone killed. This revelation Steve is having right there – Jesus fucking Christ – that meaning just chopped my heart to pieces. He believes that he's stigmatized or at least he has to make sure this doesn't happen again. Many people who Steve has trusted so far have turned against him and people have been killed because he didn’t realize that they were betraying him.

Wherever he goes, whoever he meets somehow, they turn their back on him and fucking kill or hurt people he loves! Steve believes he must protect people from himself. He believes that he's not worth to be loved because it always ends badly somehow. He wants to protect Danny and that's why he shoves him away. He doesn't want Danny to get hurt, and in his grief-befogged mind, Steve's really convinced that everyone is better off without him. Of course, he loves Danny so much and of course, he would need him by his side, craves for his touch and his comfort but Steve doesn't allow himself this wish anymore. He only brings danger and death, grief and unhappiness and that's why he creates a distance, an iron wall – and this just kills me.

Whatever Steve does, whomever his loves at some point Steve meets death and it would kill him if something happens to Danny. So, the awkward, cold, distant hug at the beginning makes way more sense with this background. Steve can't stand Danny's love and his care because he is convinced that he isn't worth it. Steve wants nothing. He has nothing to give. I can't even –

Steve's also not interested in Catherine. (More to this later). He just walks by her with this bucket filled with water and with an energy of a damn executioner he walks into that room where his victim sist, tortured, bloody, beaten into a pulp of raw meat – done by Steve and Danny's understanding grows that something big shifted in Steve and that nothing can be fixed right this moment.

This Steve, the hangman, the how-to-torture-a-man-trained SEAL Steve is scary. Seriously. That's some tough shit happening right here in this room. I was a bit shocked to see what the events have done to Steve's heart. Danny knows he just has to let him have his way. He knows Steve has to find Joe's murder, the one man who ordered the kill. Without this satisfaction Steve wouldn't come back from his personal hell he's living in right now.

 There's more – I mean…fuck this is so intense!

Part 2

Part 3