#but considering how he handles the concept of manliness

[tiredandoptimistic]

Stan and the cycle of abuse

Like a week ago I saw this good post about Stan and the twins, how with Mabel he's silly because that's what he never got but with Dipper he's stern because that's what he needed. I think the last line was about how punching was all Stan every felt he was good at. Anyways, it wormed it's way into my brain and I typed out a whole response, but it got eaten by tumblr and I lost the original so now I'm just making my own post.

What's so interesting to me about Stan's philosophy towards raising kids is that he's trying to pass on the lessons that saved his life. We don't get too many details about what his life in the time between being kicked out and the portal incident, but it's more than enough to make it clear that he's wound up in just about every shitty situation a person can find. Like he tells Ford, he's been to prison in three different countries and once had to chew his way out of the trunk of a car. He's homeless and living out of his car and motel rooms. He doesn't even have enough money to pay for a loaf of bread. He's got a bat ready to protect himself from "goons" coming to collect on some sort of debt. Being a tough guy and quick liar who'll kick anybody's ass is what's let him survive to age thirty. When Stan gets thrown to the curb, he yells "I don't need you, I don't need anyone!" and he's more or less right. Sure, he's gone through some awful stuff; but as soon as he got a stable house to live in he builds up his own business that thrives for thirty years. The lessons in boxing and cheating and "being a man" paid off in a big way, so that's what he wants to pass along to Dipper. That way, when the world picks a fight, he'll be able to fight back.

Here's the thing though: Stan shouldn't have had to do any of that.

Yes, Filbrick's "tough love" parenting is what prepared Stan for life on the streets, but it's also what tossed him out on the streets to begin with. If Filbrick was really a good dad, he wouldn't have left his seventeen-year-old son to fend for himself. Stan doesn't seem willing to acknowledge this, probably due in part to the extreme guilt and self-loathing he feels leading him to believe that he deserved the treatment he got. Filbrick was straight-up abusive in a lot of what we've seen of him, but Stan sees that as just how boys are raised, so it's what he passes on to Dipper.

It's just something about how Stan is desperate to prepare Dipper for the horrors while also fiercely protecting him. He wants to toughen Dipper up, but Dipper doesn't need to be tough and independant like Stan because he's got the support system Stan never had. If he ever got kicked out by his parents, Dipper would have Stan, Ford, Mabel, Soos, Wendy, and the entire freaking town of Gravity Falls lining up to give him someplace to stay and a warm meal. Sure, Dipper had to fight literal actual monsters at a very young age, but he was never alone for it. When Dipper falls, there's someone to catch him.

I simply love how Stan's attempts to be a good guardian lead to him being kinda shitty in an attempt to protect Dipper from things that he'll never have to face precisely BECAUSE Stan is such a good guardian. I hope that at some point he realizes that the way his dad treated him was fucked up, and that Dipper deserves some of the straighforward caring that he seems to have an easier time expressing towards Mabel.

[ben-talks-art]

Puss In Boots, the Last Wish - Spoiler talk

When I shared my thoughts about Puss in Boots 2, one of the things I said was that, while I was impressed with the style, animation, and overall vibe of the movie, I still felt like the writing itself was mostly just good.

But the more I think about it, the more these ideas and the way these ideas were handled start to pack a bigger punch, to the point where I'm like "Yeah, this is actually really clever writing, isn't it?"

And everyone already talked about the obvious topics, the way we treat our relationship with death, how much should we try to truly appreciate life and what we already have, the different ways we can handle an antagonist by sometimes making them people with depth that can be redeemed and sometimes just making them fun monsters who just enjoy being evil, and so on.

But something I was randomly thinking about was the kinda commentary that this movie does on the concept of male stereotypes.

What I mean by that is that, when you look at all the ways Puss died, they are all what's often considered by the media as "manly."

Flirting with women, gambling, drinking, picking up fights with people much bigger than you, being reckless, trying to show off how muscular you are... The only one that avoids that was the one about baking (who I still would count as a jab at the "real men don't listen to advice!" trope)

I especially like how they build up how Puss' biggest regret with Kitty was going to be some sort of heist where he left her behind but it turns out it was actually him running away from marriage.

Maybe I'm thinking too hard about it but it feels like this is all a jab at the idea of the "perfect action hero", the guy that fears nothing, needs no one, listens to no one, and is always rescuing those that are hopeless without him.

But in here, Puss is constantly in danger, constantly vulnerable, constantly needing others to support him... And what I like about it is that it never feels shamefull. It actually feels very pleasant to admit you do need help and to receive that help.

The only time someone tries to laugh at him for being less "manly" is when he confronts his past lives. Like, think about it, Puss is literally the only one who has a problem with the fact that he's become more vulnerable.

Kitty doesn't care, the dog doesn't care, none of the antagonists care, even the citizens like the doctor from the start of the story, he was legit being super nice about his whole situation.

Even when we get to the climax, I kept thinking the wolf had said "Or you're gonna fight like a man!?" But then I saw it again and realized he never said the "like a man!" part, that was just in my head because I'm just so used to seeing it in movies all the time.

It was really just Puss who had a problem with his vulnerability.

And yeah, we know the line "you're your own worst enemy" has been used billions of times in the past, but I really like how this concept was used here.

I also like how they show this isn't a problem exclusive to Puss as Kitty also suffers from feeling like she has to be strong all the time because if she affords to be vulnerable she could get hurt.

Meanwhile, the most vulnerable character in the story, the little doggy, seems to be the happiest out of everyone because he has nobody to impress. Same with Pappa bear and Momma bear. They don't care about appearances or about looking strong, they just want their kids to be happy.

So, yeah, this writing was legit much better than what I initially thought. I like how it promotes the idea of truly thinking about what you consider to be important vs what really is important, and I feel this is a very relevant message nowadays as the media keeps trying to tell us all the time what's important or not.

This movie literally gets better the more I think about it! 😊

But, again, that's just a random idea I had. Idk, am I thinking too hard about it?

[borom1r]

citing my sources bc I’m going to be referring to OceanKeltoi’s video about Aran and Asmund quite a bit while I talk abt this

pivoting from clothing bc while I Do need to be deranged abt Éomer’s layers and especially his winningas PINS like you know those would be really beautiful horse heads. anyways.

now like the really important thing to remember discussing “viking”* culture is that the surviving written records we have are extremely Christian. I could get into a whole thing about the term ergi in relation to Christianity but I’m not gonna (I’ll plug Arith Harger’s video on the subject, tho) — what matters for this post is what Ocean covers in his video: the Norse people holding a cultural view of gender which was focused on basically a sliding scale of manly to not-manly (men can lose their manliness, women can step into manliness, etc— being the dominant or penetrative partner did not affect manliness, but being the submissive or receptive partner very much did. At bare minimum in the eyes of Christian writers, anyways)

There are several burials of ‘men’ with women’s items and clothing, especially items relating to seiðr — may or may not be tied with transness and obviously we can’t ask the bodies, so I’m leaving men in quotes. What I think is important particularly in this case is that whether or not these people would identify as trans women today, they were respected enough to be buried in their (again, presumably) preferred clothing with items that represented their chosen gender expression. They may have “lost their manliness,” and Christian writers would absolutely paint that as being viewed as deeply negative; these burials and the fact that Oðinn himself lived as a woman to learn seiðr, making him ergi, calls the Christian perception into question

To circle back around to the topic of Ocean’s video, Aran and Asmund themselves using what can be boiled down to a legal loophole to get gay married and become co-kings is, you know. It’s important. There’s a lot to be said about mixing blood, sharing all earthly possessions including dividing all preexisting possessions, living together, ruling together, and vowing that when one of them dies the other will be buried with him.

All this to say, I find a sliding-scale concept of gender very interesting, especially when considering things like the myth of þorr losing his hammer and how he is always referred to as “he,” even when disguised as Freyja and having lost the physical symbol of his manhood— meanwhile Loki, transformed into Freyja’s handmaiden, is “she.”

*viking in quotes bc “viking” was an extremely specialized job. sailing, trading, raiding if trade was not an option— most early Germanic peoples were farmers. It would be like calling every person in Rohan a Rider of the Mark; most Rohirrim may know their way around a horse, but only a select group would be master riders and warriors trained to battle on horseback

So, Rohan. Gender in Rohan. I am extremely exhausted but this is giving me brain worms so excuse me if I ramble — I touched briefly on this in an AU fic which doesn’t suuuuuper tie into things, but it does give me some good examples to use: little separation being made between Éowyn, Éomer, and Théodred as children. It gives a good foundation for Éowyn’s resentment at being told to stay behind from battle and being treated like a frail thing, but with the old Norse background also provides a good reason why she was the one to stay home and care for Théoden while Éomer and Théodred rode out; the home was the woman’s domain in the sense that she quite literally had the keys and handled important things like finances. Keys were a symbol of ownership (and to call them a women’s symbol is again, deceptive and christianized; if the perception of keys = housewife is true, it’s probably better to say keys = receptive partner); Éowyn may be unwed, but Théoden was ailing and Meduseld came symbolically under her ownership.

And while I don’t think Éowyn could conceivably be labeled a “man,” I think it’s fair to state she chafes at, let’s say the Gondorian perception of “woman.” On the Rohirric sliding scale of manly to not-manly, one could safely place her alongside old Norse women like Visna and Lagertha from Saxo’s accounts who could be called “desirably manly.” — Lagertha especially, who’s described as: "a skilled female fighter … With locks flowing loose over her shoulders she would do battle in the forefront of the most valiant warriors. Everyone marveled at her matchless feats." This certainly matches Éowyn well, and I doubt that a figure like Lagertha would be buried with “feminine” keys; rather, with her “masculine” sword— again, much like Éowyn.

I also think it brings an interesting angle to her and Faramir’s relationship, considering the whole dialogue about him “taming” her and her saying she will no longer “vie with the great Riders.” — if we want to extend this analogy further, comparison could certainly be made between Christian writers documenting old Norse culture and Gondorians. Considering some of Faramir’s own words about Gondorians becoming like the Rohirrim and other “middlemen,” it’s… hm. Like I’ve posted before about Faramir and how he is just. extremely transgender in all ways. he contains multitudes. But he is also a Gondorian and a scholar At That Time and absolutely grew up in a very rigid culture of superiority. For all his kindness it’s impossible not to come away from that without things to unpack. I also think having Éowyn go “oh you want to marry me? I’m done with my entire way of life then 😊” is very… convenient.

I know that’s not the broad fanon interpretation of her but I do think it’s.. important? Especially because ‘healing’ for her implies accepting a role she actively hated— which was a role one could argue Faramir actually desired. Even when pushed into a combat situation, he was a Ranger, not a soldier like his brother or Éowyn (or Éomer, if you lean towards Faramir/Éomer like I do lol). But if we’re sticking as canon-adjacent as possible, I think there is sth genuinely healing about Faramir being 1) broadly introduced to Rohir culture and getting over his “middlemen” shit, and 2) being more specifically introduced to a sliding-scale gender structure where his “feminine” traits are embraced rather than being degraded and he can happily accept the “receptive” role Éowyn resented (also introduces the very funny parallel to shit-tier ugly ass elf of Éowyn hanging out w/ her Rider pals like “Éowyn why did you take such a girly ass husband” and she’s like “nay… I love him…”) (or perhaps even funnier, “why did you take such a girly ass wife” if you read Faramir as transfem)

I’m in the middle of another brief installment of that Ren Fest AU bc I love Faramir gender but if I ever get around to that Boromir&Faramir squire years fic I’m stewing on, I would love to explore Éomer’s gender more in the context of actual canon and not a modern AU— specifically because this sliding scale concept opens such an interesting door to “okay, and what are the layers underneath it?”

Obviously there’s biological sex, but then there’s all the flavors of manly and not-manly that extend beyond. There are men-who-are-manly and men-who-are-not and women-who-are-manly and women-who-are-not, and like soooooo much more. SO much more beyond that extremely basic idea!! + it’s a modern convention but “man” and “woman” were carved from an ash and an elm tree in the old Norse creation myth (or the surviving versions), so there’s this idea that there are as many genders as there are varieties of trees. I love that, conceptually. I think it’s very freeing in a way to be like, “this is the tree that I was carved out of. Even if it is a common tree, it is different from every other tree because it’s mine.” Hence my description of Éomer as “a man and something more.”

Askr may be “man,” but every ash tree tells its own story.

WAIT HANG ON. WAIT. Éomer old Norse winter garb is conceptually so important to me actually. you KNOW his winningas would be sooooooo pretty

chewing on things gnawing even. the potential for patterning significance in tablet-woven belts like the Birka examples too………

I also need to be deranged abt all the potential of Rohanese culture pulling from old Norse and the perception of gender at the time. Sorry it doesn’t help that I’m a Heathen and a reenactor AND lotr is my main special interest rn so I’m especially deranged about this intersection

[unohanadaydreams]

Don’t ask me why I made this, just know that I’m right and this is not just a Headcanon post but real. It’s not me having brain worms haha that would be insane. Honestly I just started thinking about how the hell arc introducing Seireitei approved social media would be such a mistake but god would it be fun to watch.

The Current Captains On Social Media

Shunsui Kyoraku - Failed erotic novel author turned romance/erotic novel reviewer. The fan base for his work is very small compared to his actual following. There is some divide in his followers—those who follow for his life updates and those who want to hear him talk at length about his latest read. Funnily enough, his quick, messy posts usually paired with scenery or a selfie are his most popular writing, often hailed as snippets of his poetic soul. Lots of people want to give him a hug.

Soi Fon - Adamant privacy and safety poster. Took to code and anti-virus technology well, much to Mayuri’s annoyance. Posts tips and tricks that read more like demands. Is known for her bitchy responses when followers @ her with their progress that are eaten up gratefully. Her advice is punctuated by posts admiring athletic women and these women make up the bulk of who she follows. She seems to admire runners and lifters the most. Her threatening posts when people hit on her too hard/with too many notes to back them up are turned into copypastas.

Rose Otoribashi - Has one of the larger followings thanks to his nostalgic visuals as well as his dedication to frequently posting new music. He has a personality that’s easily digestible when viewed through snippets. The fact that his passion is music and his job is news/editing also do him a lot of favors. He loves doing live streams and encourages his followers to perform for & with him.

Isane Kotetsu - Her growth being captured on social media not just as a captain but as a person has given her a fan base that feels extremely protective of her. She’s less known for what content she brings and more for her personality. Any creative content she posts is likely to start trending. Especially her ‘peaceful morning’ videos and reflective writing. She’s one of the more interactive posters, beloved for her encouraging responses.

Shinji Hirako - As a more private person, he doesn’t have much of a following and his most popular posts are candid moments posted by others. Lisa is a large reason people consider him endearing in anyway. Definitely the kind of person who is either considered cringe or cool with little in between. The kind of guy who asks what he should do with his hair and then goes with an option that wasn’t listed.

Byakuya Kuchiki - Has an extremely scheduled and curated presence on any site he’s on, but is nonetheless adored. He used to ask Renji and Akon for advice on how to handle some of the more online behavior (like being @ed by women who photoshop them as their date to events or being asked how many notes a date would cost) but stopped quickly. Turns out saying something is flattering leads to more of that behavior. Any selfie he posts is edited and reposted into oblivion until it’s thousands of people’s pfp.

Tetsuzaemon Iba - Despite him being one of the most well rounded captains personality wise, he gets put onto block lists the most for his dedication to concepts of manliness, which are easy concepts to feed to the social media outrage machine. Women’s Association vs Men’s Association is a popular meme where the former is something sensible and the latter is something ineffective/archaic. That being said, he’s also known as a ‘problematic fav’ and people will often post memes about abandoning their feminism for a few minutes to like his selfies and training videos.

Lisa Yadomaru - Another captain with a large love and hate following. Often picked apart for interacting with porn/hentai accounts, thirsting after women openly, and posting pictures alluding to her sexual escapades. Despite her account being regular food for the outrage machine, she doesn’t seem to care or pay attention to it and is forever horny on Main. She posts a lot of candid photos/videos of her friends. Recommends the best fucked up fiction.

Kensei Muguruma - Of course he does cooking videos, but what really does well are his cooking challenges. He forces his lieutenant, friends, and colleagues to compete with him on making a better dish on a time limit and often with other handicaps. Usually wins. His bloopers get a ton of mileage when he posts them. His merch is constantly sold out. People often dress up as him for Halloween/conventions, usually with foam or blow up arms/abs.

Toshiro Hitsugaya - Another captain with a huge following due to him approaching social media with his tireless work ethic. His ice sculptures are very popular and his pop-up galleries sell out in hours. Is actually a huge fan of ‘cozy’ games and is known for having beautiful towns/farms/ect that showcase his attention to detail. He does events in Minecraft sometimes, where he guides people through building large scale projects (and also feels like he’s making friends but that’s left entirely unsaid). A bit harsh, but beloved.

Kenpachi Zaraki - People question if it’s really his account because it’s so random at times, but he posts videos of him mowing down his subordinates during training so it has to be. The odd content includes engaging with easy recipes & activities for toddlers and increasingly complicated punk hairstyles that he really does try out. He also posts weekly, asking for people to volunteer and fight him. The human world especially loves this and he gets a lot of responses. He tries to set up times to fight them but Nanao threatens to delete his accounts and put him on suspension if he attempts to follow through. He posts a lot of post-battle pictures and humans gobble it up. “Just fought *insert ridiculous thing here*” is a huge meme.

Mayuri Kurotsuchi - He is constantly making new accounts and circumventing bans for posting links to his old lab work, that often involves heinous amounts of gore. Actually does have a following, often from those within his own division, those hoping to be in his division, or humans who see him as edgy and a little bit off his rocker, which they think is cool. He posts pictures of himself whenever he switches up his look. And posts Nemuri a lot with unhinged captains about how she’s going to outpace even the head captain and no one could make someone as special & smart as her. Just comes off as a really passionate dad. Plenty of people are convinced he’s a creepy pasta project ran by a dude with a daughter.

Rukia Kuchiki - Like Isane, she’s really loved for who she is rather than creative content. Even her attempts at being stern and ‘captain-like’ are fawned over. She has a line of children’s books, stickers, and notebooks with her cute drawings. Her most popular set was when her daughter contributed. The human world is convinced Renji is her house husband and her life is generally seen as all around ‘goals’. Her posts are riddled with mistakes and very sporadic; she’s posted accidental live streams while she did paperwork and they went viral. She posts tons of candids of her subordinates and family but they are usually blurry or actually videos.

[sakebytheriver]

Colorblind casting is a cool concept in theory, but a lot of shows hear that and think "okay so I'll write the part as though it were a white person and then when I cast an actor of color change literally nothing about the character" which is hopefully an obvious problem. When you write a character and initially consider them white, but then cast an actor of color you need to do your due dillegence and rewrite the character a little or make sure in the future as you write for them that you take this new racial identity into account. I feel like a lot of shows use colorblind casting, but then end up casting majority white with one or two main characters being poc and not realizing the planned characterization and plotlines for the character has a different meaning now that the character isn't white, such as Ted Lasso, Killing Eve, and Obi-Wan Kenobi.

With Ted Lasso, this character ended up being Nate Shelley, he was the only South Asian in a main character slot and he falls into a destructive arc becoming the new main antagonist of the show by the end of season 2. Now I'm not saying this plot couldn't have worked, I think it was well written and would have been met differently to me if he had been a white man instead, but since Nate was a dark skin child of immigrants in Great Britain it felt short-sighted. The writers didn't take into account how his race was going to play into his fall from grace besides him having a kind of stereotypical immigrant father and mother. Nate experienced things that I instantly read as racial microaggressions, but the show tried to insist was because Nate just wasn't a manly man or assertive enough. I personally think the arc of bullied person falls into the same cycle of abuse he was subjected to and becomes a bully when the tables turn in their favor is an incredibly interesting character arc and would have loved to see how the show handled it with Nate if they'd taken into account how the character changed when the actor was cast. But they didn't and it felt sloppy and borderline racist.

With Killing Eve, Sandra Oh was cast as the lead and it seemed like the show was a Godsend for her, but after the first season the cracks began to show. It had to be Sandra who suggested adding any Korean culture to Eve's character the writers hadn't even thought of doing such a thing. Eve was a woman of color from America living in Britain and no one thought about how that might change the course of her character or how the audience might read situations and it showed. Especially when the writers room was revealed during a zoom session and not one poc could be found.

And this new Obi-Wan Kenobi show has cast a black woman in a role that is set in opposition to the cast of white characters the audience is already conditioned to root for from years of previous movies and TV shows while hers is completely new as if they didn't know what the reaction from the Star Wars fanbase which chased Kelly Mari-Tran off of twitter and made John Boyega say he never wanted to do another Disney movie would be towards Moses Ingram the second she showed her face. It feels more than short-sighted; it feels intentional.

Colorblind casting is great, keep doing it, but once you cast an actor of color in a role you wrote from a white perspective take some time to recognize how the character's new race changes how the audience will perceive the character and how it changes the character's point of view that's all I ask

[liyawritesss]

How about this? Headcanons for Izuku and Kirishima (separate) with a Male!S/o who’s basically Vi from Arcane?

ᴛʜᴇᴍ ᴡ/ ᴀɴ ᴀʀᴄᴀɴᴇ!ᴠɪ!ꜱ/ᴏ

Pairings: Midoriya “Deku” Izuku ;; Kirishima Eijirou x Black!Male!Reader

Genre: Headcanons

Synopsis: How would Deku and Kirishima handle an S/O with similar traits and qualities of Arcane’s very own Vi?

Warnings: some cursing

A/N: I’m not sure if this would be considered a crossover, but it’s definitely an interesting concept. I’m so down to play around with this

ᴍɪᴅᴏʀɪʏᴀ "ᴅᴇᴋᴜ" ɪᴢᴜᴋᴜ

Deku takes sympathy for your upbringing. Growing up in one of the roughest parts of town, losing everyone you cared for, having virtually no support system, plus your younger sibling being affiliated with the LOV - to him this was the perfect villain origin story

So he was a bit puzzled that, given all the trauma you’ve endured, why you still chose to attend UA, chose the path of heroism.

Perhaps it was his naive, one track mind that lead him to such a conclusion, but nonetheless, he wanted to do whatever it took to make you feel some sort of contentment in your time there

Would be the first to confess his feelings, and it would be in such a discrete way because he understands you’re not too keen on speaking so openly about romantic affections, let alone feelings at all.

Absolutely hates your teasing, and the embarrassing nicknames you give him. Please dont call him anything besides his name in class, he might just combust

He’ll try to mediate the fights you get him, but more often than not he’s better at patching you up after your fights

Waits for you outside of detention so that you can walk to your dorm together

Despite the course you’re in, he thinks you're strong and dependable either way. You may be a bit brash, but that’s just apart of your charm to him.

ᴋɪʀɪꜱʜɪᴍᴀ ᴇɪᴊɪʀᴏᴜ

Right off the bat, thinks the way you handle things head on is very cool and manly, even though you worry him sometimes.

Especially when you get into fights with Bakugo, which always end in someone being sent to Recovery Girl, but both of you in detention

Like Deku, he feels sympathy for all you’ve been through, and thanks whatever deity there is above that you haven't let your negative emotions overtake your rationale.

Neither of you actually asked the other to be a couple, it just kind of happened. Neither of you mind it though, over time you’ve both grown a silent understand of where your hearts lay with one another

Gets extremely flustered by your nicknames and teasing, but over time gets use to it, and might even meet you at your level with them

Training sessions together are filled with a lot of yelling and encouraging roots, but you both bang each other up pretty bad

Can and will call you out for your brashness and recklessness, out of worry and concern because he not only doesn’t want to see you get hurt, but also because he worries that the same thing that happened to Bakugo, when the League captured him, would happen to you as well

Tries to provide alternatives to you fighting your way out of tight situations - sometimes he’s successful, but other times, he isn't

Again, regardless of your position at UA, he thinks you're very strong and awesome, and hopes that the both of you can continue on your journey to the top of the hero ranks

If you enjoyed, please leave a like, comment, and reblog for others to see. And don't be shy to send in a request!

[kusagrasskusa]

Erron Black X Innocent! Reader

I...am a sucker for bebe s/o and big strong manly manz so yeah. These are shitty simple headcannons though to appease my wiplist. Do expect a better Erron Black X Reader in the future though! I already had a long story ready but it's on a halt because too much is happening this week.

Lemme just put a "readmore" here so I can go through my posts faster-- and for some of those who post long ass amazing works of art but never put a readmore, you can do it by putting :readmore: then pressing enter.

A fucking deadly cowboy who's basically immortal and had basically seen every type of person there could be wouldn't he expected to fall in love with someone who doesn't even understand the concept of losing a loved one.

Erron loves girls who can handle themselves and take control of the situation. In a way, Y/N can kinda do that-

Y/N's puppy eyes and sad voice is enough to make anyone feel even a bit of sympathy. And when she cries, anyone would break their character and come to comfort this beBe!

Her gentleness and happiness just pulls on people's heartstrings like a motherfucker. It might just be some special aura she was born with that effects people so much idk

When our cowboy spoke to you for the first time, it was a normal flirtatious greeting he'd give to most ladies. And when Y/N cocked her head, widened her eyes and blushed, he felt himself blushing a little too.

"Howdy little lady, what's a fine gal like yourself doin' 'round these parts? You look too pretty to be around here," he spoke, referring to being close to being around the Black Dragon base.

The two were in a small pond nearby; and considering no one else knew where this pond was, he knew she must be part of the Black Dragon.

She grew so red and nervously tucked her hair behind her ear, stumbling over her words. Erron usually expected small smiles but damn, Y/N's adorable face really caught his eye.

They had small conversation about the pond before Y/N had to leave. Erron was thinking of her for the rest of that day.

And then the next day came along.

Kano was showing off where he gets his clothes made to some of his priority employees, such as Erron, and the only worker on the dressing rooms was Y/N.

"Hi, Kano— Oh, Erron, hi! :D" She called out lovingly. Erron was thankful for his mask as his cheeks suddenly grew red as his mind became confused.

He was so damn confused- how is this childish adult able to speak to sweetly and happily as if he and Kano weren't killers? Why is she so excited too?

The excitement in her voice whenever he came to visit her in the dressing rooms was intoxicating to him.

Erron grew to see her everyday and then finally, he decided to take her out on a little fancy "friendly meeting" one day.

He was sure to bring roses, which Y/N loved. He complimented her adoringly, and she would compliment him equally so. He had stored alcohol for her to try out, however he knew she didn't drink.

Whenever the event was over, Erron prepared to ask her to be his baby. But instead, she hugged him tightly and squealed, "Thank you so much for the great night! You're the best friend ever Erron!"

Later in bed, he thought about how she didn't understand it was a date. Goddammit-

Then the next day came.

The two would engulf in a giant hug whenever Y/N would confess that after the "friendly meeting," she realized she loved him.

Tbh she's a terrible kisser since she's inexperienced. But Erron managed to teach her that day.

The two would take it slow. Y/N is sorta oblivious to most romantic things so yeah.

Y/N adores the cowboy look and sometimes likes to copy it. Erron won't say that he loves it but-- you know how he feels.

Erron does get hella nervous whenever she goes out in public. Kano mentioned that she has no concept of wrong doing (not that he couldn't tell) so the thought of her tryna help someone dangerous gets to him.

The two don't care at all for PDA. The two can kiss and hold hands anywhere unashamed.

"Hey Erron? There was a guy that just told me I'm beautiful:)" Y/N spoke with excitement in her eyes.

"Is that right," Erron responded as the chains containing his inner demons were lifted. "What does he look like?"

Y/N ignored the gunshot she heard only minutes after. Erron was prolly just practicing his aim is all :)

Cuddling. Fucking cuddling between these two is amazing. Nearly every night, they at least hold hands with each other.

Y/N never really notices whenever Erron hurts people. She just can't belive that he would be a killer. Even if Kano comes in while laughing about some asshole Erron shot, she ignored it and remains smiling.

Erron can't really convince her either. "Wha?- But then why didn't you hurt me? See, I knew you were lying! >:)"

Yeah, Erron can get a little annoyed by Y/N's constant...well, idk, comments? But overall, something about her innocents and adorable actions make him stay.

He just has to be sure to keep his assassinations private.

[lancermylove]

Ugly Sweater (Christmas HC)

Fandom: Twisted Wonderland

Pairing: No pairing. Pomefiore, Heartslabyul, Idia.

Warning: None

A/N: Happy Holidays to everyone!

———————————————

Prologue: 

Headmaster Crowley had a fantastic idea for a Christmas party, and the students were excited. That is until he announced an ugly sweater contest and said participation was mandatory. Though some dorm leaders and students objected, the Headmaster refused to yield. 

———————————————

Riddle didn’t mind the party, but he didn’t understand the whole “ugly sweater” concept. Why wear something that you don’t like and deem it ugly?

But since it was a rule to participate, he had no choice. 

When he went shopping with Cater, he saw a Christmas themed sweater that immediately caught his attention. Though it didn’t classify as ugly, he purchased it anyway. 

Out of all the sweaters, Riddle’s sweater was deemed the funniest. 

The dorm leader was all smiles until Ace pointed out that the cat reminds him of Riddle. 

Ace’s laughter was soon followed by the words Off With Your Head.

Ace got irritated by Deuce's lack of Christmas spirit, so he started bothering his dormmate. 

"Hey Deuce, I found the perfect sweater, and I dedicate it to you." 

“Ace, I’m not in the mood...stop...”

“See, this is exactly the reason why I find your lack of cheer disturbing,” Ace cheekily said and held his ugly sweater in front of Deuce’s face. 

Unfortunately, Ace's teasing got too much for Deuce to handle. 

(continue reading Deuce's part)

(continued from Ace's part)

Deuce tried to ignore Ace and talk to the salesman, but the redhead would not leave him alone.

Finally, he snapped, "The hell is wrong with you, Ace. Shut up and leave me alone!"

The salesman practically ran off but returned a few minutes later, holding a sweater for Deuce. "Sir, this sweater..suits you perfectly."

Deuce didn't get the meaning behind the sweater, but he purchased it anyway.

At the party, Grim had a good laugh at Deuce's sweater and told him, "Kyaaa, the sweater suits you! One second you're all calm, and the next second you make everyone go, 'oh snap'."

Deuce finally understood why the salesman gave him this sweater, but he didn't know whether to take it as a compliment or an insult. 

Trey was too busy to even consider looking for an ugly sweater. He asked Cater to find him one. 

When Cater handed him the ugly sweater, he said, "It's cute, and I thought it would suit you since you like cooking." 

Trey's sweater got attention, but when Ace saw it, he couldn't stop laughing. 

The redhead almost fell on the floor laughing. "It's gingerbreads as ninjas...ginjas!"

Everyone stared at him with a sweatdrop, except for one person who looked beyond irritated.

Once again, the words Off With Your Head echoed through the party hall.

He wasn't keen on wearing an ugly sweater, so he asked on his social media account which sweater he should wear. 

Out of all the suggestions, one, in particular, caught his eye. It was simple and suit him.

At the party, Cater used his sweater as an excuse to get selfies with all the students. 

His social media was flooded with a million photos of the party, and the fanclubs/fangirls couldn't thank him enough for uploading the photos. 

Cater even got messages from the presidents of the fanclubs asking him to stalk their idols. But, he decided to ignore those messages...for now.

Vil opposed the ugly sweater contest the most. But, much to his dismay, the headmaster didn't listen.

He scrolled for hours and hours looking but still couldn't find anything befitting his taste. That is until he saw one sweater that made him flip his hair. 

When the others asked why he was a gift, and why his sweater says "you're welcome", he answered, "My beauty is a gift, and since I'm generous enough to let you see my beauty in person, you're welcome." 

Let's just say there were a few students that agreed and a few students that got annoyed.

Rook knew that Vil wouldn't be happy with his choice, but he chose the sweater anyway. 

And as expected, Vil gave him quite an earful for picking a sweater that didn't suit Pomefiore's style. 

At the party, most students disliked Rook's sweater, and when asked why would wear something that violent, Rook laughed, "I am a huntsman, so it's only natural." 

After a little pause, he added, "Too bad there's a deer on the sweater though. I would've much rather preferred a lion or dragon." 

Epel wasn't sure what type of sweater he wanted to purchase. All he knew was he wanted to wear something only macho men wear.

So, as soon as he saw a sweater with a buff Santa, he immediately purchased it. 

The salesperson asked who this sweater was for, and when Epel said for himself, the clerk couldn't help but stare.

Vil was unhappy with Epel's choice, but some students got quite a laugh out of Epel's sweater. When they asked, "Epel, do you know what your sweater means?" 

Epel sensed a taunting tone and replied, "Why the hell do you care? It's manly, so I got it." 

The students didn’t dare to taunt him after that.

He begrudgingly started to search for ugly sweaters but none of them appealed to his taste.

So, he decided to type his feelings into the search bar, and voila, a hoodie with the exact words appeared.

Idia’s hoodie got a lot of compliments, especially about how it matches his personality perfectly.

Though he wasn’t exactly keen on being at the party, he was somewhat happy to get complimented by the normies. 

———————————————

➣ Twisted Wonderland Masterlist ➣ Buy me a Ko-fi or Commission?

[auyouni]

when i’m messed up, that’s the real me // septiplier

Jack's not entirely sure how he got here.

The universe seems to swirl slowly around him as he lays in the grass, the expanse of the sky laid out before him. The air smells new, and sweet, like the start of something wonderful, but Jack's not sure he could handle that something, whatever it is. He can't really handle much.

His heavy hand lifts his phone up above him, squinting at the screen. His eyes shift over it, continuously moving, watching the way the screen multiplies and moves. He feels dizzy.

Taking a shuddering breath, he focuses hard on tapping the screen, pulling up the dial tab. Shakily, he hits number 1 on speed dial and brings it down to his ear, listening to it ring.

Approximately a few millennia pass, but that's fine. Jack would wait for forever, if there was a chance he’d pick up.

“Well hey there, Mr. I-Have-No-Concept-Of-Time,” comes Mark's slightly husky voice, and Jack has no clue if he's trying to be sexy or if it's just from sleep. He's never really sure, when it's this late. “What'll it be tonight, hmm?”

Jack swallows, mouth suddenly dry. “Mark,” he manages to say, voice soft and slurred. “I… I'll pay ya more i...if you come to me,” he says, trying to sound sober, but god, he's really too far gone for this.

There's a beat of silence. Then: “Are you drunk?”

“Please?” he tries, squeezing his eyes closed at the swirling stars. “Wanna see you.”

There's an odd intake of breath on the other end, and another silence, uncertainty lying in the lack of words. Then a sigh, a soft grumble, and Jack can hear faint rustling. “Fine, fine, I'm on my way over. Are you--”

“‘m in the… the park. Big one, by y’r h-house,” he says, not even sure if that's what Mark was asking.

“What… are you okay?”

Jack considers that for a quiet moment, eventually making a noncommittal noise. He hasn't been okay for a while now.

“Why are you at the park? Did you just decide to walk there, for no reason?”

“Drove.”

“...You fucking better have drove before you got yourself wasted.”

“From a party, I… I was a-already drunk.”

“Goddammit, Sean, you absolute idiot.”

“Yeah.”

There's a lengthy sigh on the other end. “I'm gonna hit you.” Jack doesn't doubt that he would, but he probably won't. “On my way - don't move, and don't die.”

Jack nods, but the call ends before he even realizes that Mark can't see him.

Everything becomes a bit blurry when Mark finds him. He gets a vague, flurried feeling of safety and love and warmth and a healthy dose of anxiety, and he's pretty sure he lets Mark drive his car. Next thing he knows, he’s sitting on his bed, watching as Mark unties his shoes for him. Jack tears up a little as he stares at him, taking in all his features and the concern/frustration mixture in his expression.

“Money's in my drawer… th-thanks f’r gettin’ me,” he says softly, instead of something much more idiotic, more damning.

“I'm not taking your money for helping you get your drunk ass home. That's just being a good friend, I don't need payment for that.” Mark sounds a little exasperated, and maybe a little hurt, but Jack can't make heads or tails of why.

“What if I kiss you?” The words just tumble from his lips, the next logical step in his brain.

“You don't have to kiss me. I'm not taking your money, you're too drunk to be making deals, or finding excuses to give me money.” Mark finally looks up at him, expression tired and a little resigned.

“What if I just want to kiss you?”

“I'll hit you.”

Jack considers that. Mark doesn't sound threatening, just tired. “Will you?”

“...No, but I'm not taking your money.”

“What… if I kiss you… an’ ask you ta stay th’ night?”

Mark watches him, a million different emotions flickering over his expression. “I'm not having sex with you. Tonight or tomorrow.”

“Okay,” Jack replies, hope rising in a small way. He might stay. Just for the night, but he'll take what he can get. “Just want a kiss, an’... an’ very manly cuddlin’.”

Mark considers this for a long moment, before finally giving a small nod. “Okay.” Jack smiles, big and bright, and something in the American's expression softens. “I'm still not taking your money.”

“E...even when I'm sober?” Jack asks, tilting his head, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. It's a good deal. He doesn't have to have sex with a guy, but still gets paid the same as if he did.

“Yeah, but I'm sure you'll argue about it more when you are. Counting on the hangover to keep you at bay.” Jack rolls his eyes, which makes him kinda dizzy, so he gives a small laugh. Almost a giggle. He's tired enough, and drunk enough, and lovesick enough to be giggling by now.

“Y… you’d be dumb ta not take it, Marky,” he says quietly, after a moment, and Mark sighs. “Even if… if we didn't do anythin’, I’d still want ya t’ have it. You need it more than me, you… deserve th’ whole world, Mark. I’d trade you the universe f’r a single kiss, that's… that's all I want.” He tries to focus on the other boy's expression, because even through the fog of his mind, he realizes he's just said some pretty damning stuff. Mark, for his part, seems a little speechless, some unnamable emotion flicking through his eyes.

Jack's about to speak, maybe to take it all back - or make it worse, keep on that horrible ramble until he spills all his emotions, cutting into those deep wounds in his heart and just bleeding love for this amazing boy (which is much more likely) - lips already parting, but Mark kisses him instead.

Jack definitely doesn't complain.

He just kisses him back, clumsy hands gripping at his shirt, pulling him closer, so Mark ends up in his lap. Still, he kisses him, letting the feelings wash over everything. Mark's hands end up in his hair and cupping his jaw, lips softly moving against his. It feels different from a lot of the times that Mark kisses him. More… real, maybe. Jack absolutely melts into it, wishing it could fill up all those cracks in his dumb heart.

When they finally break away, they're both panting softly, Jack's mind completely dizzy and lips tingling, heart racing, and he's trying to find the words to describe the feelings that ignited in him with Mark's lips, but all he can think is full blown fireworks. What is this, a teen novel? Still, the description is accurate. Whenever they’d kissed before, Jack had felt those stupid sparks, the silly butterflies, the electricity under his skin, but… but, there's something different about this kiss. Despite being weighed down by the fog of the alcohol, the feelings are more intense now.

God, if only he weren't so drunk.

“You shouldn't want that,” Mark mumbles, voice breathless. “I'm not worth it.”

“You are,” Jack finds himself whispering back without a second thought, believing it wholeheartedly.

“I'm a mess.”

“So? I am too.” Mark makes a noncommittal noise, and Jack frowns a little. “Hey. L… look at me.” Mark reluctantly opens his eyes, lets them meet Jack's own. “We're both… pretty messed up. But you… Y’r mess is the best thing that I've ever gotten c-caught up in.”

“You're drunk,” Mark points out, after a moment.

“So?”

“So you don't know what you're saying.”

“Maybe, but… I mean it. I wouldn't… wouldn't trade any o’ this f’r anything.” Unless that anything included them being together truly, or Mark moving on completely and finding genuine happiness, like he deserves. Even if it leaves Jack behind, heartbroken and alone. It wouldn't matter. “You're… my fav’rite person, Marky.”

Mark just kisses him, again, like it's too much to be expressed in words. He lays him down and kisses him in that sweet, real way, and Jack wishes he could express the sheer magnitude of his adoration and love for the other boy, but. Here they are, like they always will be: Jack, hopelessly in love with Mark, and Mark, holding him close for all eternity.

[beyond-far-horizons]

Korra, subversion of gender roles and the regressive nature of gender essentialism

This is an aside to my latest meta, the context of which was reading a fansite’s reviews on A:TLA and S1 of Legend of Korra. I started because of the author’s interesting take on the finale of S1 of Korra. He made some really insightful points but because of the vein of increasing subtle misogyny I kept picking up I was wary.

Turns out I was right when I came across the review of Epi 5/S1 and we go smack bang into not just gender essentialism but when you thought it couldn’t get any worse he digs himself into a deeper hole and starts talking about the possible ‘transgender agenda’ in Korra because Korra acts ‘like a boy’ and the guys act kinda feminine at times. Oh but then he is assured she must actually be a girl because she angsts about romance stuff. Cause you know men and boys never do that. Men and boys aren’t capable of da icky romance...

Ugh, just ugh.

Okay, this is just some dude on the internet writing in the early 2010s I know, I know. But it’s attitudes like this I really want to highlight and dismantle, hence this meta/rant/stream of consciousness, which let’s face it is basically most of my MO on this hell-site. 

It’s not just the blatant horrible transphobia and prejudice towards non-binary or gender non-conforming folk, but also has this dude never met a girl that didn’t act like a stereotypical ‘pretty girl’ before, even in the ye old days of the early 2010s?? Like we’ve had the concept of a ‘tomboy’ for ages and frankly there have always been a whole range of ways to express gender across cultures even if you set aside the fact that transgender and non-binary people have always existed throughout history in some form. (Don’t argue with me on this I study culture amongst other things and come from a family of archeologists and historians.)

Sorry to rant but the more you look at it the more it falls apart and shows how ludicrous enforced gender roles actually are esp when you consider the vaunted concepts of ‘the past’ and ‘traditions’ etc and realise that a couple of hundred years ago in Europe the height of aristocratic manliness was literally makeup, wigs and a ‘shapely calve’. I kid you not, I have been to Liverpool Museum where they have padded mens’ stockings if nature didn’t provide  - here’s the proof.

Oh no fellas! Don’t let the side down with those scrawny legs! You’re not a real man if you don’t have calves busting out of your silk stockings! Seriously it reminded me of padded bras so much.

Going back to Korra I personally love how she’s written and it still holds up today. She doesn’t fall into the trap of a ‘Strong Female Character TM’ - she still runs the whole gamut of emotions - she’s vulnerable, loving, romantic but she’s also extroverted, aggressive, coarse, athletic, confident - all traits traditionally positively associated with men. And I love that at this point in S1 she is never reprimanded for this, she’s never told to be ‘more lady-like’. The only two times that this contrast to a more ‘traditional’ girl is brought up is 1) her try-outs with Bolin revealing her bending power and 2) Bolin’s embarrassment over his burping in front of her which she promptly joins in with. In both cases Bolin doesn’t put her down or attempt to force her back into a traditional role, he is actively delighted and impressed with her. 

I cannot tell you how wonderful that is to see, especially on a kids show which is unconsciously socialising the new generation. 

Another toxic trope subverted is the competition between Korra and the ultra-feminine Asami. While I disliked the love triangle element and wish in some ways it was handled better, I do love that Korra isn’t really made to feel lesser compared to Asami in womanhood terms. In fact Mako’s vacillation between them is made more understandable because he admires Korra for her attributes as much as Asami for hers. Also the wonderful subversion that Asami isn’t going to force Korra into the usual shopping/makeover trip which is standard for this type of episodes. She recognises Korra wouldn’t enjoy that despite the fact that Asami clearly does and instead takes Korra on a joint speed-racing trip that shows Asami is multifaceted too and over which they mutually bond. 

(Also Korra’s discomfort of traditionally feminine things like makeup is not just played for laughs but turned into a plot hook as she overhears plotting due to being in the powder room. Brilliant! Korra is also shown looking pretty in her Water Tribe dress but is also deemed attractive in her usual attire and on the bending court. I personally think she is gorgeous either way. 

Both Korra and Asami represent different aspects of womanhood and they do it in I’d argue in well rounded ways. The fact the men they have intimate ties with - Mako and Bolin - also appreciate this is icing on the cake. (Also if I was getting too hetero-normative there is of course  - spoilers - the fact they fall in love later on in the series.)

Korra’s influence is also not in any way attached to her perceived level of attractiveness. Her power and the narrative conflicts that surround it comes from her role as the Avatar and a bender. I get the distinct impression that characters like Tenzin and Tarlok’s dismay with Korra don’t come from her being a young woman acting boorish (which the writers could have very easily slipped into), it’s the qualities of being youthful, boorish and uncontrollable themselves that’s the problem.

Amon as the prime antagonist also treats Korra with respect even as he seeks to undermine and destroy her. He does this to her as the Avatar - his enemy - not as a woman which makes the (spoilers) latent potential threat of assault and its real world parallels in Epi 4/S1 easier to stomach. 

So in conclusion - f**k that reviewer and Korra - carry on being awesome!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #425

“evolution repressed by our backwards contest  /  breeding our torrential demise as we come to this edge”

Serious question, peanut butter or nutella? I think Nutella is a godsend, but I use peanut butter waaaaay more often. We don't even really buy Nutella because I will destroy the jar. Do you prefer baked potatoes or mashed potatoes? Baked. What is your oldest sibling’s middle name? Kathryn. I think. Do you like breadsticks? I just like bread, man. What are your favorite things to spend money on? Tattoos, uuuuugggghhhhh <3 Which would you rather have a new puppy or kitten? Neither, really. Most puppies drive me insane (even though they're cute as everliving fuck), and I don't want another cat. Mom actually talked about getting another, but I really just want my one boy. Roman would get SO jealous, anyway. I enjoy just having my baby. How old will you be on your next birthday? 26. Yikes. Do you ever feel self-conscious when you eat around other people? As "the fat one," I can be sometimes. I would say though that more often than not, it's sort of whatever to me because I'm a human that has to eat. When you opened your eyes this morning, what were your first thoughts? I thought I slept way later than I actually did. What is one thing in the room you’re in that reminds you of somebody? My stuffed meerkat Rebel. Jason got it for me for my first birthday that we were together. Could you ever be friends with somebody who was homophobic? Never again. I was once able to think "agree to disagree," but sometimes by doing so, you're siding with evil by not enforcing what is more than just a belief. It should come with being a human. Also given my own sexuality, it would be a slap in the face to me. Would you ever want to be a supermodel, or date one? Hell no. I'd date one though, if they were modest about their position. Honestly, have you ever made fun of somebody so bad they cried? Wow, no. Honestly, would you rather be complimented on your looks or intelligence? Quite frankly, nowadays, my appearance. I need it. My self-confidence is so far below "shit." Have you ever purchased a pregnancy test, for yourself or otherwise? Nope. You can get one thing, anything, for free right now. What do you pick? Why? Hm. I know I talk about it a lot, but it would still probably be a 40 gallon terrarium for Venus. She needs - and deserves - it. Honestly, have you ever danced naked? NOOOOOOOO. What was the first illegal thing that you did? Did you get caught? Downloaded music. My mom eventually found out, but didn't care much. What is the home page on the computer you’re on? Google. Do you like to write poetry? I do, but I haven't done it in a while. :/ Are your ears pierced? Yes. If so, were they pierced with a piercing gun, or with a sterile needle? Piercing gun. Which, by the way, do not do. There are many more risks with a piercing gun versus a needle by a professional. Do you wear makeup regularly? I never do. Did you eat cereal for breakfast today? No. I've been on a bagel kick lately. When was the last time you tripped over something? Last night, actually. The rug in the living room was slightly turned up, and I tripped in the dark. I didn't actually fall, thankfully. Any obsessive-compulsive tendencies? I'm diagnosed with OCD. I experience more ruminations and intrusive thoughts more than obsessive behaviors, though. Who was the last person you yelled at? Probably Mom. Why did you yell at them? I don't remember. Favorite type of apple? I like pink lady apples. I really enjoy any, so long as they're crisp. Ever seen live horse racing? No. To be totally honest, I don't really like the concept of it. Motivating a horse to run by hurting it doesn't exactly seem moral... How about live greyhound racing? No. What’s one thing, besides the obvious, that you couldn’t live without? The Internet, haha. Have you ever touched a giraffe? No. What does your mom call you? Britt. What stresses you out the most in life? I really don't think I could pick a top one. There are so many. Do you play any PC games? What is your favorite? Yeah. Y'all probably know WoW is my favorite. If you were pregnant, how would you tell the father? Well, that would depend on the circumstances. Did we want a baby? Was it a bad surprise, a happy surprise? I can't answer this with just one idea. What’s the hardest level you can play on Guitar Hero? I used to be able to slam out Expert easily with only very few songs I had to play on Hard, but now it's been YEARS. I've played less than once in a blue moon, and my skill's definitely faded some. It really depends on the song. What ever happened with you and your first boyfriend? He couldn't handle my depression anymore. What’s your favorite country song? "When The Stars Go Blue" by Tim McGraw, probably. What is the worst thing a former boyfriend/girlfriend has done to you? Fail to communicate what he was feeling with me and then make a dashing break for it very, very abruptly after three and a half years. It put me past a state of shock, but trauma with how no less than obsessed I was with him. What were you for Halloween last year? I didn't dress up. :/ I wish I had the money and motivation alike to. Are you feeling guilty for something? I always will. Are you usually quiet or loud? Quiet. How many hours do you spend on the computer a day? Like... uh... all of them, oof. What is the show that you watched when you were little, and you still do? Meerkat Manor. Do your siblings text you? Not really. Do you want a small or big wedding? Small. Have you ever searched for your own house on Google Earth? Not the house I currently live in, but I have before. Who is your ex dating/talking to? I don't know. Ever kissed someone who smokes? No. Does it take a lot for someone to annoy you? Frankly, no. Do you own your own computer? This laptop, anyway. Did you ever have to share a room with one of your siblings? Yes, with my younger sister as a kid and pre-teen. What noises in the room you’re in, do you hear at the moment? I hear the video I'm watching, as well as my fan. Have you ever dated someone with longer hair than yours? Yes. What’s the biggest upcoming event for you? Nothing. Not like that's a surprise. What do you typically order from Wendy’s? Son of the Baconator. @_@ Have you ever been given a lapdance by an actual stripper? No. Those are so awkward to me. What do you love most about yourself? I don't know these days. Have you ever received a hickey from the last person you kissed? No. What are you doing right now? This survey and re-watching John Wolfe play Outlast 2. What’s bothering you right now? I'm immensely nervous about tomorrow. I have my first (and I pray the fuck to God not only) session with my new personal trainer then, and I'm terrified by how my body and my mental fortitude is going to react. Y'all have no fucking idea JUST how out of shape I am, and the muscles in my legs seem basically non-existent by now. I have to do something about my health, though, and I'm determined to make this shit work. More than determined. I know the first day is going to be hard, but I need to do this more than I can explain. What was the last thing you drank? ... What great fucking timing, I have a can of Mountain Dew, lol... That's another thing that needs to change. I've gotta stop the emotional and boredom-eating and chill the fuck out with soda. Be honest, do you like people in general? Quite frankly, no. There are plenty of people I love and think are amazing, of course, but I think I lean towards humanity being too shitty to like "in general." Do you want your tongue pierced? I miss my snake eyes. :/ That was suuuuch a cute piercing. I just had to take it out for the safety of my teeth. I kept accidentally clamping down on one of the balls when eating, and it would cause tiny fractures. Do you change your phone background a lot? No. Have you ever made someone so mad that they broke something? No. Have you ever been strip searched? No. Do you have a funny last name? Does anyone make fun of it? It's not funny-sounding, no, I just think it's too manly for me to enjoy as part of my name. Ever have a drug overdose? What did you OD on exactly? Yes. Oddly enough, I don't remember what I OD'd on now... You'd think I would, given how extreme the situation was. It was some cold medicine. Do you get sick of people who call themselves bipolar all the time? I absolutely do. It's extremely insensitive to people like myself who legitimately suffer - and I do mean "suffer" - from the disorder. Describe your day so far in three words: Dull. Lazy. Anxious. What was the most stressful project you had so far/while in school? Probably my senior project and the presentation I had to do for it. I taught about the fallacies and misconceptions of snakes, and I made a PowerPoint and some drawings to color and crosswords for the special ed children. I was so, so very nervous, but I got through it fine and the kids seemed to enjoy it. I actually still have the recording. Choose one- Butterfinger, Milky Way, Snickers: MILKY WAY. FUCK I love those. Have you ever stepped in dog poop? UGH yes. What was the last thing you spent money on? My niece's birthday present. Have you ever slept in the same bed with the last person you kissed? Yeah. Is there a guy that knows a lot about you? I almost said "yes," but then I realized he doesn't know me at all anymore. I've changed so much, hopefully mostly for the better. He hasn't "known" me in many years. Is there someone you just can’t imagine your life without? It's terrifying to imagine my life without Mom; Sara, too. Do you prefer Starbucks coffee or small cafe coffee? I prefer no coffee. Would you ever consider getting a piercing in your septum? Nah. Do you enjoy being outdoors? If it's cool outside and I have somewhere to sit that's not the ground, yes. Do people tell you that you have an accent? Sometimes. Do you enjoy watching fireworks on the 4th of July? They're pretty, but I don't support their usage by this point in my life. They're a fire hazard, triggering to some vets with PTSD, and beyond terrifying for animals. What’re some unspeakable subjects for you? I get most heated about child molestation. You do not fucking touch a child like that. I don't even write any of my bajillion evil guys committing it in RP because I just can't stomach it. Even when my little sister (a children's social worker) is telling Mom about some stuff she sees at work, I have to not be present, 'cuz that shit isn't rare. It's nauseating. Is there anyone you would take a bullet for? A good number of people, honestly. Do you enjoy tanning? Hell no, I avoid the sun and heat at like all costs. Are you a virgin? This is going to sound weird, but I actually don't know, but I lean towards no. Who’s your celebrity crush? mARK EDWARD FISCHFUCK Did or do you get good grades in English class? I was always excellent in English. What part of your body are you self-conscious about? My stomach. But I'm self-conscious about everything else, too. Are you expected to help fix Thanksgiving dinner? No. Everyone knows I can't cook worth a damn. Have you ever lost anyone close to cancer? Truly close, no. Unless you include pets, actually. Then a few. :/ Do you personally know anyone who is transgender? Yep. When was the last time you got a shot? Earlier this year for Covid. Get your fucking vaccine, btw. :^)

[chimswae]

BTS Caretaker CH34

Summary: She may think she has Bangtan Sonyeondan wrapped around her fingers. She may think it is easy to love the members equally without hurting any soul. She may think the boys wont fall head over heels for her. She assumes it is okay to show a little love and affection towards the boys, what if she gets it all wrong? What if it only brings more complication to her already complicated life? Can she survive their charms? Will she be able to resist them? What if they just wont let her go?

- Pairing: BTS x Oc ( Yoongi x OC, Jungkook x OC)

- Genre: Fluff, Slight Angst, Romance, Idol!au

- Word Count: 5,092

- Author Note: Hello! i am finally updating on time hahaha :< okay im being serious!

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Chapter 34

“Seul! Don’t forget the rice, you don’t want those starving boys to eat side dishes only” she heard her mom hollered from the kitchen while Seul fixed her hair hurriedly. “Yes mom! Coming” with one final glance, she exited her room and lifted the heavy bags on the ground to be brought to studio where Bangtan had their filming.

Mrs Hwang looked unamused watching her daughter’s struggle “Are you sure, you don’t want Hoon to help you with those?” Hoon’s ears perked up in interest when he heard his name being called.

“Nuna won’t let me, she is possessive over her Bangtan oppas” Seul sneered, throwing daggers at Hoon’s away. Their mother nodded with an unknowing smile that annoyed her even more. The longer she stayed it would only give them the upper hand to make fun of her.

Sulkily, Seul pushed her body to the front door, slipping on her favourite sneaker “Tell your oppas that I say hi” she teased.

“Mom! Don’t gang up on me with Hoon. I am leaving” she pursed her lips into a pout, as she exited the apartment. Seul made her way to the studio with happy thoughts, and since she hadn’t seen the boys for weeks, it doubled her excitement.

Earlier that day she received a call from Manager Sejin who seek assistance from Seul since there was no available staff to handle Bangtan’s lunch. Considering that they had to reschedule the filming of their new music video earlier than they had planned, the team managed to get almost everyone on the set except one or two runners who supposed to look after the boys’ welfare during the filming.

That was how Seul came in, indeed she’s quite helpful at some point. Seul might be an amateur about how the industry work, but this young lady could adapt with her surrounding super-fast, which made her the perfect runner whenever Bighit in need of extra hands.

Arriving at the scene one hour before their lunch break, cheerfully, she skidded inside greeting the staffs along her way. Some staffs that she used to work together in Las Vegas before looked excited and happy to see her again. As soon as her eyes landed on Semmy, the head stylist, her smile turned into a wide goofy grin “Unnie!” she walked over to the older woman.

“Seul, oh god! Good to see you again. I heard from Sejin that you are coming, are those the boys’ food I see inside the bags?” she showed off her cute dimple smile.

“Glad to see you again unnie! Yes, it is theirs. Where can I place this?” Seul beamed while her eyes scanned the huge indoor studios until it stopped on the set not far from her. The set looked pretty colourful with a touch of galaxy and universe element around them, she assumed the concept was different from their previous comeback. Scuff marks on the floor was evident which simply means they had went through the dance non-stop since god knew when.

Those hardworking babytans would not let take anything for granted.

“Their waiting room, the boys are having their shoot next door. There is another set which is like this. Let me help you” Semmy offered to carry one of the bags and led the way to the waiting room. Seul could hear loud music beyond the wooden wall and to know that the boys were there put her heart at ease at least.

Placing the bag down, Seul carefully took out the lunchboxes one by one setting it on the empty table with a soft smile. Obviously, it was past their lunch time, she wondered how they got their energy to dance hard without having proper food.

“You can wait here, they will finish in an hour maximum, so let me know if you need anything. I need to check on them” Semmy packed necessary items inside her small pouch hanging loosely around her waist. Glancing at the clueless girl, she finally cracked another sweet smile as if she could read Seul’s mind.

Semmy let out a soft chuckle “It would be great if you are willing to help me, assisting the boys. Are you up for it?” upon hearing the offer, it only took her five seconds to respond with so much enthusiasm.

“Yes! Can I help? I don’t think it will be fun to sit here alone” the latter then smiled shyly.

“Of course, Seul. I would love to have you back in my team even it is for this period only, lets go. Bring extra facial tissues and compact powder, you may need to dry off their sweat” Seul obeyed the charismatic head stylist and quickly picked up necessary items before setting off with her to the other side of the world.

The world with sweet manly scent.

There was no doubt this thick smell in the air was made for manly men like Bangtan, fresh and musky.

Semmy and Seul were greeted by friendly smiles from the staffs who seemed busy cleaning the black scratches on the floor, and few men were fixing the lights at the corner which was used for the filming. Her eyes once again wandered around to find the exact faces that she had been dying to see since weeks ago. Stood behind the director were Namjoon, Hoseok and Yoongi looking serious in their discussion.

On the other hand, Taehyung and Jimin were sitting side by side getting pampered by their stylist noona. Those two were sweating so much that they had to dry off the jackets that they wore so it could be worn again for the next take. Meanwhile, Jin and Jungkook were nowhere to be seen near them. They were off to washroom or something, she thought.

Sunshine Hoseok was the first one who noticed her presence there and threw the warmest smile ever. It did not stop right there, like a flash, she saw him already making his way toward her, pulling the small girl into his embrace “I missed you” he whispered earnestly.

“I thought it was a one-sided thing. I missed you too Hobi. So much!” she returned the hug as passionate as his. “Seul, you look thinner. Did you overwork yourself?” Seul pulled away from the hug and stared at the leader with a scoff.

“Speak for yourself Namjoon-ssi. Look at you guys! It is not even a month, and you guys looks skinnier than the last time I saw you. How is this possible?” she exclaimed in disbelief. For an odd reason, Yoongi stood stiffly there behind the director without moving an inch. Neither did he greet Seul nor he smiled like he usually did. Seul couldn’t help but to notice Yoongi’s odd behaviour, it seemed a little off to her.

Did she do something to upset him?

Or was it the stress from this filming messing his mind?

“It is promotional period missy; therefore, it is normal for us to appear healthy and good in front of Armys” an arm slung around her shoulder from her right-side startling her, then she realized it was Kim Seokjin.

“Jinnie!” her eyes twinkled in happiness to finally see that handsome man again this close to her. It was obvious among the boys, only Jin didn’t go through such a drastic change. Deep down inside she’s glad to see everyone looking healthy and energetic just that she wouldn’t never understand why it mattered to lose a little weight during their promotional period.

Absurd.

The boys looked damn fine, they didn’t need to lose weight just because of this.

Namjoon lost not a little but quite a lot of his signature baby fats around his cheeks. It was one of her favourite area that she adored the most because whenever the older guy smiled, his cute dimple matched that chubby cheeks of his. Like it was meant to be that way. His face glowed up ten times more with the presence of those cheeks.

Jin squished her shoulder, smiling from ear to ear “I missed you Seul. Are you doing fine without us?” if anyone could see the obvious jealousy in Yoongi’s eyes, they would probably think the man might be able to crush Jin’s bones using that fiery eyes of his.

To her distaste, she could feel Yoongi hard gaze on her and before she could turn to find him, he was already gone. Her lips slightly parted, sighing inwardly. Seul returned her attention to Jin and chatted with him to erase the uneasiness in her for the time being. Her body was used to the job as Semmy’s temporary assistant. Moving fluidly around assisting Semmy with the boys’ hair and outfits, Seul still got the momentum.

Seul returned to the set with a new jacket that was meant for Jungkook. They had finished their group shots and were left with individual shot before having a short break. Walking up to Taehyung, Seul inquired him the maknae whereabouts “Jungkook is sitting there, waiting for his turn” he blinked and pointed out at the direction near to Jimin’s individual shot.

“I got this, thanks Tae!” she grinned.

Stealthily, she approached the figure sitting cross legged on the floor with his back facing her “Jungkook-ah” she called out softly. When she earned zero response from him, she furrowed her brows and crouched down in front of him.

Seul was surprised to see Jungkook dozed off in that position. He looked dead-ass exhausted and fragile in this state, poor guy. She rested her chin on top of her knees, as she scrutinized the man in front of her, admiring his perfect facial feature. If and only they were in a room alone, she would love to feel his soft skin at the tip of her fingers.

She expelled of a soft sigh, mentally scolding herself for being inconsistent with her feelings. Seul realized, this thing must be stopped. Leading them on would only cause pain in the future, with that she had to make up her mind soon.

There was a small movement coming from him as his nose scrunched up cutely and his head was tilted to the side slightly. With Seul quick reflex, she placed her palm under Jungkook’s chin to keep his head still, so he won’t hurt his neck when he woke up. She stayed like that ignoring her already sore arms.

Seul was lost in her own little world for her to notice every pair of eyes in the room were on both of them. Some of the staffs were already whispering at the corner, questioning their closeness. Even the busy bee Jimin stole few seconds of his time to witness the scene not far from him with a deep frown.

Semmy flicked Jimin’s forehead earning a soft whine from the cute guy “You are so obvious. Stop frowning” she teased.

“I didn’t do anything” he protested.

“Yes, you did. I smelled something burnt”

“What?” bewildered, Jimin eyes the older woman suspiciously.

A playful smirk spread across her face “Your heart it is burning” she poked fun while her fingers did her job, fixing her blond lock back to its original state. Jimin pressed his plump lips together into a thin line, ignoring Semmy’s tease to appear professional.

 Five minutes later, Jungkook was awoken by the loud noise came from Namjoon and Jin. Those two brats were basically fooling around on the dance floor, having their so called mini dance battle. Unamused by the interruption, his eyes fluttered opened only to be welcomed by Seul’s face. Jungkook blinked his eyes making sure he wasn’t dreaming. Her pale, skinnier face was serene.

“Yah..” that was the first thing came out from his beautiful lips.

Cringing, Seul raised one of her brows, tossing Jungkook a questionable expression. “Yah? That is not how you greet your nuna!” she removed her hand hastily from his chin.

“Nuna? Since when you are my nuna?” he rolled his eyes.

“Jeon Jungkook. You are becoming rude. Why are you sleeping like this? Get proper seat and take a short nap” she gave him a light pat on his back.

“It is okay nuna, since you are doing me a favour like this. I don’t mind sleeping all day” he clucked his tongue inside his mouth. Seul ruffled his hair and arose from her feet “Enough fooling around Jungkook, it is your turn soon. Take off your jacket” he looked at her with admiration.

Jungkook rubbed the back of his neck, while keeping that arrogant smirk of his “Nuna, you are so sly and straightforward. Can it wait till we are alone?” her eyes widened in pure horror.

“No, you idiot. Take off your jacket so you can wear the new one for your individual shot. God, you are impossible Jeon Jungkook. Who corrupts your innocent brain?” she flicked his forehead, scolding the younger guy.

He puckered his lower lips, faking his sadness to earn Seul’s sympathy “Don’t give me that pouty face. You go all daddy with me a minute ago, now you are acting like a baby” she sneered sarcastically whilst her hand helped him to take off his denim jacket.

“Daddy? So, you are into that huh…Alright…” Jungkook smiled playfully; his nose scrunched up cutely as his eyes turned into little crescents.

“Yah!”

Since when Jeon Jungkook had become this dangerous? Seul mentally cursed while she struggled with her own confusion. Do not fall for it, don’t fall for Jungkook. She reminded herself all over again.

 ------------------

Finally, they wrapped up their filming the following days with their album jacket shots. It was a hectic week for everyone though the real promotion had not officially started yet until September. Semmy requested for Seul’s presence the last day of their photoshoots to assist the boys on set which she gladly complied without much objections.

Wandering around cluelessly around the large indoor set, she was looking for Min Yoongi. There was something about how he acted around her since few days ago bothering her. She couldn’t simply un-see the obvious, didn’t she?

Since they were done with the shoots, she gathered her courage to confront that man. There’s no way she let this thing slide without a closure. If she wanted to make up her mind, she might as well need to sort this small issue around her wisely.

Climbing up the stairs which led her to the rooftop, this was her last resort. She had been looking for Yoongi everywhere inside and outside the building yet he’s nowhere to be found. Pushing the door open, she hoped to see Suga beyond that door and she was right.

Seul fixed her gaze on the tall, lean figure with his back facing her. She flinched at the vivid image in front of her what looked like a cigarette between his fingers. She had no idea that Yoongi’s the type of guy that smoke, or was she objectifying him just because he’s an idol and not capable of doing such thing.

Yoongi broke his blank stare when he heard hustling sound behind him and he turned around quickly to face Seul. He looked baffled at first however annoyance took over his mind and emotion as soon as he realized it was only Seul.

“Do you smoke?” her steps were timid, yet she managed to stand beside him breathlessly.

He snapped, “How does it matter to you?”

“Of course, it does, your health matters to me Yoongi. Don’t be a brat” she frowned darkly.

“What do you want Seul?” he took a long puff on his cigarette and expelled the smoke slowly.  Seul began to cough softly, “Stop smoking and we can talk” she covered her nose to avoid herself from inhaling the polluted air around her.

“I am not in the mood to talk. Now, can you just leave and respect my personal space” he stated firmly.

Showing no sign of backing away Seul clenched her fist in anger as she raised her voice “What the hell is wrong with you?” Yoongi wanted to be offended by her sudden outburst but he knew it was his fault to start this meaningless fight with her.

“You are asking me?” he scoffed.

“Yes, idiot. What is wrong with you? You have been avoiding me the whole week. I could not ignore those daggers that you threw at me. What did I do?” Seul held back his anger wanted to hear it out from him first before jumping into conclusion.

“And you are asking me what is wrong with me?” he shook his head in disbelief. Throwing the lit cigarette on the ground, he stepped on it as he continued “You slept with Jungkook” she looked at him in bewilderment.

How in the world he had access to that information?

Did Jungkook share their intimate moment with Yoongi? Technically, they didn’t actually go all way but why would Jungkook reveal the secret to Yoongi?

Guilt consumed her as she knew it. She had committed the biggest mistake in her life by fooling around with two guys at once. No one should be blamed but her.

How’s she going to fix this.

“I didn’t sleep with him. We got carried away” her voice broke and she wondered if she could say the words she needed to.

“We got carried away too, Ji Seul” he scowled sarcastically. Yoongi raised his hand in frustration “I don’t understand. Jungkook must be one hell of a guy for you to give in that easily! Where your heart lies?” Seul chewed quivering lips preventing it from moving.

She emitted a long and deep sigh “I don’t know Yoongi”

“Damn it. Make up your mind woman!” he was looking at her intently, his eyes darken in anger. It intimidated her. She had never seen Yoongi this angry not even when Jimin calling her a bitch, this talk was serious and became a turning point to everything.

“Jungkook and I have agreed on this, we will give you time to think until we’re done with our comeback promotion”

“What? Yoongi that is impossible...”

Yoongi paused to take a deep breath “It is possible. Think about it thoroughly, I know we are not supposed to push you and forces the answer. We said we will be able to handle this until you are ready however this doesn’t work Seul-ah. This no longer only involves our feelings for you. Did you see? We want to show how much we love you through our action. We don’t want to repeat the same mistakes. We may be brothers, yet we can’t break our bro codes. We’re not sleeping with the same girl, that is fucked up” as much as she hated to be stuck in between, yet she agreed with him. For a moment, she should think the consequences of this messy love stories and stop being selfish.

Yoongi took a step forward, taking her cold hands in his “Seul-ah, make up your mind and we will accept your decision with an open heart. We are ready. Do it for us please?” his cold and demanding voice was long gone. She could feel the desperation and his sincerity making she felts extremely uncomfortable with this situation.

After a long contemplation, Seul decided to comply with their request. At the end of the day, she couldn’t stay like this forever. A decision needs to be made before things got out of hand. “Alright. I agree on that” reluctantly, she let Yoongi engulfed her into a tight hug.

The future is finally here. It’s terrifying.

 ------------------

Time passes quickly, as in it’s early September already? The date of BTS Love Yourself is set to be released in mid-September. For once she wished to slow down the time, so she could have more time in hand before making the biggest decision in her life.

Truth to be told, Jungkook and Yoongi did not show any obvious flirting towards her lately. Thankfully, they were giving her some space for herself to think and reflect. Oblivious by the situation would be Jimin. Part of her was grateful that Jimin seemed to have lost his interest in her romantically yet she couldn’t help but to wander what changed him.

Jimin treated her more like a best friend or sister. The drastic change in him really triggers her curiosity, though she’s dying to inquire him about them, but she refrained the urge from embarrassing herself in front of Jimin.

That day she had decided to visit their place after her shift ended in the evening, more like she wanted to avoid Mr Kwon at all cost. She had purposely taken morning shift these days to avoid him. Considering he’d showed at the oddest time of the day, Seul found it is safer to work during the day. It is safer to do so.

The rapper line was not home yet as they were still in the studio, whilst Jimin and Jungkook were in their respective rooms doing their own things. As for Jin, he’s lazing on the couch watching random shows while playing with Odeng and Eomuk.

“Do you think Jiminie want to eat this mango pudding?” she hollered from the kitchen.

Jin tilted his head, as his finger stroke Eomuk head gently “Not sure but you can ask him” Seul nodded and closed the fridge, placing the pudding inside the glass bowl. She handed Jin the extra bowl before making his way to Jimin and Hoseok shared room.

She entered the room quietly afraid that the adorable guy was sleeping or doing something important. Seul spotted his small figure under the cover with his back facing the door. Giggling lowly, she took careful step to his bed, and sat on it.

“Jiminie..” she poked his back causing the latter to jump in surprise. “Goodness Jimin! Why are you so jumpy?!” she managed to catch his expensive phone in her hand, shooting him a judgemental look.

“Ji Seul! That is not funny!” he hissed.

“I didn’t do anything to scare you unless you are watching something illegal and dirty that I must not see. Now, let me see what is inside” the corner of her lips was tugged into a mischievous smirk. Realizing what Seul about to do, his eye shot opened as he charged towards the girl to take back his phone.

“Hey, don’t play dirty. Let me see what you are watching!” she stuck her tongue out and escaped from Jimin side to stand few feet away from his bed. She pressed her back against the wall and stared at the screen, baffled.

Seul was fascinated by the content beyond the screen “Give back my phone!” Jimin puffed his cheeks and grabbed his precious phones from Seul. However, it was too late to stop her, she saw everything.

“Jimin I have no idea that you are into that kind of thing” Seul looked to Jimin, confusion in her eyes. Feeling alarmed, Jimin sunk on his bed, rubbing his sweaty palm together nervously. His puffy cheeks turned rosy and it came to her realization, there’s more of the story than just an action out of curiosity.

It couldn’t be that right? Seul blinked, gazing at shy Jimin.

Her throat was aching to ask him that one question which invaded her mind few minutes ago. As absurd as it sounds, she must open to any possibility right. Anything is possible. Love does not have gender, it’s about the person that you love.

Okay..Ji Seul. Go for it. It is now or never. She mustered up her courage and cleared her throat.

“Jimin, do you like Jungkook?”

Flustered by the questions, Jimin stammered between his words “Y-ah..What kind of question is that? O..f course I like Jungkook” he avoided her gaze as his fingers fiddled at the hem of his pyjamas.

“Do you love Jungkook?”

He felt someone was choking him on the throat, yet he tried to remain calm in his seat, something that he failed to do since start. “He is my friend and a brother to me! Of course, I love Jungkook!” he exclaimed a little annoyed.

“Do you love Jungkook more than just a friend and a brother?” she observed his dark expression. Jimin was about to explode in embarrassment and anger, either one of it proved to her that he saw Jungkook more than just a friend.

“Ji Seul! What nonsense is this?!” he grinded his teeth together. “You out of people understand that I like you” she sighed inwardly.

“You like me, but you love Jungkook” Seul’s persistence drove him up the wall.

“YA JI SEUL!” he hissed angrily.

Seul settled on the bed sitting cross-legged, facing her figure to his direction “Okay, tell me something. I caught you reading a manhwa, which happened to be your story with Jungkook. Dude, this is a boyxboy stuff! How can I un-see this?” she watched him in amazement.

Jimin lowered his head at stared at his feet “Fuck. Stop saying nonsense. I am str-aight..I am not into man” he defended himself.

“But you are into Jungkook..” she sassed without giving the guy a break.

“I am into you” Jimin corrected.

“No, you are not. In fact, now I remember when you called me a bitch. You meant it. Bitch, stay away from my Jungkook. Is that what you are trying to convey?” Seul used her smart brain to patch the obvious signal to corner the poor man.

Jimin clenched the bedsheet with a small grunt “Seul, are you drunk. Stop assuming things that you don’t know!” he pleaded as if his life depended on it.

“I am not done Jimin. All your actions towards me were a way for you to escape from these bubbly feelings that you’ve for Jungkook. Am I right? You use me to annoy him. You don’t care whether I am going to love you back or not. You just want to experiment things, to see how far Jungkook can go in winning me. Jimin you love him, but you are in denial” his body went numb. Jimin tried to find word to protest yet this girl had outdone him in one blow. Seul unravelled his identity crisis at once.

In contrary to his sane mind, his mouth kept on denying the facts until he had enough. Jimin feared of himself. He didn’t know if it was the right to do. To love someone like Jungkook, does he deserve a great man like him? Insane.

Stigma from the society.

It was against the rule of nature.

Was it okay to go against it?

“Jimin-ah…Love has no gender, it is okay to fall in love. It’s about the person that you love. When you are in love, you just go with your heart” her soft voice soothed the misery in him. Jimin looks at her sadly, interlacing their hand together in hope to gain the energy from her.

“I am scared” said Jimin lowly.

“I don’t want things to change between me and Jungkook. We have gone through the worst shits in life together, it is just I really adored him as a little brother at first. I just wanted to protect him from everything. Then the feelings are unstoppable. It changed. I changed. I no longer see him as a friend, and it feared me. This shouldn’t be happening at first place. Until I saw you.. it was the opportunity to get myself straight. You are a wonderful woman Ji Seul, hell you’re way too perfect for me. I tried to love you just as much as I love him…I cant.. Every time I see both of you together, it angers me. I wish for once I can be you..” his eyes were blurred with tears.

Seul enveloped her arms around him, embracing him tight “You don’t need to be me. You are amazing just the way you are. Jimin-ah, I am sorry that I am not aware of your feelings for Jungkook. I didn’t mean to hurt you, forgive me” he buried his face in her shoulder, blinking his sorrowful tears like a heavy rain.

“You are special. Your feelings for Jungkook are special” she whispered, cupping his cheeks with a genuine smile. “Don’t give up. You may not be able to tell him how you feel for him now, but love doesn’t need to be spoken through words. Your actions matter the most” Jimin kissed her palms, stroking it with a deep sigh.

“How about you? Your feelings for Jungkook. Don’t let my feelings for him stop you Seul. If you truly love him, you should go for it” his sad smile ached her heart. “I only wish for his happiness, if it means he has to be with you” Seul gave his hand a soft squish.

She had given this into a deep thought, weighing Jungkook and Yoongi love were not easy as it sounds. For some reason, she wanted to choose Jungkook, yet something stopped her in the middle. Jungkook’s amazing guy, she loved his presence around giving her the utmost comfort and security in her. However, it just felt so wrong.

There was a missing piece that she had to look inside Jungkook before she made up her mind.

And, she finally found it.

Jimin was the missing piece.  

Seul was fooled by their outer appearance. How appearance can be deceiving sometimes? People only the see the perfection showed by these idols through their eyes yet they fail to see their struggle. In the eyes of the public, idols come with no flaws. They are quick to judge them without knowing what they feel.

It gave them no choice but to lie to themselves. They were not able to be hundred percent truthful and live their life as set by their company and public.

No one seems to understand their pain and struggle.

She looked at him in the eye “I made up my mind, can you trust me with this?” she spoke slowly, with an assurance that the decision that she’s about out to take from now will not pain him. Seul didn’t want to be selfish even after knowing the truth about Jimin’s real feeling. It was not easy for Jimin to open up to her about his struggle, now the least she could do was to live up to the promise that she’s about to make.

“Thank you Jimin for..telling me this” smiling softly, he hugged her tight unleashing all the sorrows in him.

Hope ever urges on, and tells him tomorrow will be a better day.

  This work belongs to  Chimswae © 2021. All Rights Reserved

[tearapline]

BTS ' blood sweat & Tears Japanese ver mv ' Colours meanings/Code  theory

No one can ignore the strong Colours shifting through BS&T jap ver MV! & of course it’s not Random (BH Do Everything For A Reason)!There are Already so many Great theories regarding symbolism, So Here I will just Write about colours as the title Sets.

I know it’s too late to write about this, But I didn’t find anyone Do a separated article So Why Not? (I’m a New ‘April019’ ARMY HeHe)

Sorry for the long Intro (•^•) …. LET’S START. READY? SET, GO: (its long, brainstorming & All; so Bring snacks)  

Colours that keep appearing on the mv are Blue, Red, Green, Purple & somehow Yellow. let me explain each one of them shortly & then Clarify How do they together interfere with the symbolism!! (let's assume there two personifications of each member adult persona immature one)

First: BLUE:

Blue represents the Wisdom & stability of being Mature.

Suga & jhope Aura (adulthood)

JHope dancing on a Blue background:

Young jimin looking around feeling unfamiliarity towards adulthood (blue room)

Second: RED:

Red refers to Juvenile joy & pure Passion of youth.

Here is young jimin 

-Young jin Gazing at ‘The crash of the fallen Angels’ painting & His sight is all red (being on pure realm realizing the existence of dark)

The painting actually depicts the rebellious angels dragging Down other angels to Hell.

Young jungkook aura 

Even V :

Jimin dancing on a RED background :

THIRED: PURPLE

Purple is the colour of mystery, symbolizing The unknown complex Feeling of Meeting the devil & Facing maturity Pain! The cruelty of realizing the existence of the Dark realm. Mixing Red (childhood) + Blue (adulthood) → Purple (Between them: Youth)

-J-Hope’s Legend ’ Wings comeback trailer: BOY MEETS EVIL ’ aura portrays it perfectly. Clearly the whole MV is on Purple background:

Jungkook awakes finding purple Blood mark (maturity pain) showing wings (maybe his wings are protruding?)

Jimin eating an Apple (apple symbolizes temptation sin forbidden apple of garden eden)

The scene of Jin suffering  

V dazing, as if he is Drunk?

GREEN:

One of Green colour meanings is ’ Rebirth’. Reminding me of ‘DEMIAN’s Breaking the Egg concept (Demain: a novel by Hermann Hesse the inspiration of Wings album entirely I’m sure you know about this) Green is to Shake Hands with the Devil, to Sin! This colour meaning is the most obvious on the MV & Even clearer on the Original ver (Korean one):

Jimin Here is literally mixing the apple with the juice then it turns into green 

Let’s talk about the most interesting scene (ladies & gentlemen Fasten your Belts!!)

Okay ehm ehm we have a residence on blue light & RM siting so manly on the left side (adulthood) (the residence represents stability)

A Hotel on Red light  & jungkook siting so politely on the Right side (youth) (the motel represents uneasiness of the young)

In the Frame we got a green light as RM is about to offer a liquor to jk (SIN, ruining purity).

(As you see the scene proves my whole theory.)

What happens after jk is forced to drink the liquor?

His surroundings become BLUE & he Looks dazed cause The maturity is hitting him so hard.

Then a yellow light!

(I will explain it further Below)

YELLOW:

yellow = Enlightenment !! the exact moment of noticing the wickedness.

the painting jin looking at is on yellow (the actual painting is colourful) (enlightenment) even the Binocular is Golden LOL

getting back to the very start: jk waking up looking surprised inside a ’ mainly ’ yellow room, even the light above him is yellow!(enlightenment) other colours are green & purple (the pain of realizing the evil is reason he astonished)

On the wall Colours are painted in a way looks as they’re jk’s wings woow!!

-Jhope sits in front of ‘Pietà ’: (a subject in Christian art depicting the virgin Mary cradling the dead body of Jesus) pointing an arrow (if we consider it as pointing to his left symbolizes warding off evil if right protection. both meanings interfere with being on motherhood realm) the lights are purple + yellow

Keep reading if you Don’t wanna miss the real joy! (bring a cup of coffee it’s deepening)

Further Explanation:

Young jimin (Red lighted) looks at His maturing-self in the way reaching Adulthood (the one inside Blue room) & suga quickly covers his eyes as he looks Hesitant to eat the apple (to accept his fate going through maturity). (What if jimin is just a visitor on Suga own world (as suga is his mentor, showing him the way toendure maturity)?  I mean in the mv beginning there is a piano (suga first love) who knows!! (yall lets appreciate how the walls looks like piano inside)

jk entering a restroom in a red light to spit out the Green liquor (going back to his pure young side refusing maturity) suga is trying to stop Him (encouraging jk to handle maturity soreness move on) feels like the same thing suga did with jimin when he closed jimins eyes preventing him from yearning & longing to his pure young-self. but jk pushed him away!!

lights changed to purple jk fainted + black smoke spreads

jhope pulling an arrow (pulling an arrow back symbolizes conflict tension life struggle facing maturity releasing it from the bow represents positive transition in one moving forward mature)colours meanings of Yellow & purple interfere.

Is jhope pulling the arrow towards V? Does He want to Help V breaking His world? (OH! Does it sounds strange? Then let me quote the most famous line of the novel DEMIAN: ‘the bird fight its way out of the egg. the egg is the world. who would be born should first destroy a world’ I’m Gonna use this concept a lot so please put it on mind.)

-V is Suffering inside a blue veil, trying to be out to the Red surroundings but couldn’t(v agonizes maturity pain desires his youth back)

What Do you see?

On a purple light Jimin & jungook holding V, V looks worried & scared, Jhopes hand aiming something Green towards him (not sure what is it, Green small arrow?) (the point is jhope about to ruin v pure youth)

If you gonna argue how on earth I know it’s jhope’s hand then:

Same shirt!! yeah .

As jhope ruins V purity the arrow is pulled, it hits white bringing in green & red (hitting purity: youth been ruined)

Jhope on a blue room wearing half Blue half red T-shirt (mature jhope is aware about adulthood youth) throwing pills into a yellow can while smiling (jhope is no longer suffering letting go of his past struggles he throws pain away) (jhope’s facial expressions says it All

Look at this again (oc I didn’t take this screenshot to convince u about jhope t-shirt sleeve only haha)

On this scene it Seems like all members are already matured (the way they sit) leaving the pain behind them as they watch jhope throwing the pills. jk with a blue lollipop (matured) (I couldn’t point out all but) suga’s piano, Rm mirrors, curtains (jin) all behind. Also there’re so many small palms all around the room (palms symbolize victory triumph peace as they overcome the struggle)

¬

RM’s room is Red & green: on green light there’re so many red items ‘roses, curtains’ even the walls painting is red-green scratches! but How?

(I know what’re you thinking now: like ‘why isn’t it purple you’re manipulating.’  Just keep reading)

first Look at the very left, the surrounding of the room is Red (the director could cut it to directly show the inside but bighit is leaving clues) or simply mirror’s reflection shows Red. So Rm is actually on his young realm which is starting to be ruined. this scene timing comes with jk being forced to drink (which are very interfering with youth being ruined concept). Red roses symbolize romance love + in front of Rm there’s the same cup of Green liquor he offers to jk (both ruins purity) the existence of the dressing partition & the mirror support the idea of RM being his young-self (changing cloths symbolizes personality changing the reflection refers to self-reflecting ego shows instability of youth)

Still not convinced? What if this whole scene is made to prove Yellow meaning? (green and red mixture makes yellow: pure youth being ruined so one be enlightened)

Rm looking at his reflection the light changes to yellow while the lyrics goes ‘the wings resemble the Devil’(rm acknowledges what looks devil to him is makes mature gives wings fly) (his facial expression be like I know it all now)

you see now? it’s a state of enlightenment not suffering this is why there’s no purple. What happens after that?

The mirror breaks into pieces & the Blue rays shine (as rm breaks his egg finding way out to maturity concept)

¬ Mixing specific shades of Green & Red doesn’t give yellow but Brown. on the mv Brown appears on some scenes giving the same meaning of yellow:

-Jin’s scarf before it gets purple lighted:

-The lamp 

The painting 

Curtains & the sofa 

& here, HERE!!

¬ what’s going on here?

Blue lighted V is scratching a Green wall walking up stairs (mature v is rebelling he wants to go back his young-self) (look at the thing he’s scratching by it is Red.)

The colours gradually change ‘Green, purple, then Red’ from down to up, as V is trying to return to his pure youth BUT!… 

V finds out there is no way back, he is already trapped as the whole sky is ruined green & his world is changing.

-          The fact that youth & adulthood are unseparated is expressed a lot through the mv specially at the ending:

What bangtan is telling us is that “it’s alright!” Maturing is hard, painful, storming & makes you feel not yourself but “it’s alright!” Sensing the existence of the evil, passing by it or even commiting it- doesn’t mean that’s who you are. You’re just maturing. Forgive yourself Learn & move on.

Jin young world falling apart:

The room jk awakes in breaks down (it Goes from yellow to green then into blue/ a galaxy of Red, blue, yellow & purple interfere)

Scares on Rm hands left after the mirror breaks, the room is no longer Red but green & yellow. (the paint that Revealed on the wall is “the Fall of Icarus” by Pieter Bruegel: Icarus fell from flying too close to the sun. Allegory of pride, youth & the dangers of going to extremes) see? very interfering.

Look here(Red through blue/ Green through blue):

Green & Blue crossing: 

Bonus:

The station RM works on (you can see the Red though everything is black & white):

Jin gives RM a Green lighter!!!

Trivia: I’m sorry if anything sounds wired or clingy I’m not native, I truly tried my best wording this theory but English isn’t my first language after all. Please support me.

[theworldofsisi]

Pretty (Finding Balance)

“You're too pretty, Ren-ah.” the director's tone was harsh as he broke the news to the newest trainee under Pledis Entertainment. “You look feminine. You don't have very many muscles either, but I like your voice.” He grabbed Ren's face carefully, studying the young male's angular jaw line.

Ren bit back the remark that came to mind, instead meeting the CEO's gaze levelly. His low voice came out surprisingly calm despite the fact that he felt like all of the comments being made about him were thinly veiled insults and not simple observations. "I've always looked like this. I was made fun of for it in school because I didn't look as boyish as other kids my age.”

“Mhm.” was all that the director said in response as he took a step back away from his trainee. “We might be able to work with your natural feminine features in that case. Your androgynous appearance might just be what sets you apart from the other four members. Hell, we can even try to make it your trademark. Think of yourself as the opposite of Amber Liu from f(x)”

Ren raised a questioning eyebrow. “Didn't you just tell me that I was “too” feminine? Now you're talking about using it to my advantage?”

The CEO gave him an appraising look. “You're much more feminine than the other members, yes. Have you seen Baekho? He's about as masculine looking as you can get. You, on the other hand, are on the other end of the spectrum.”

Ren dug his heels into the ground to prevent himself from saying something that could quite possibly get him kicked out of the company. The CEO's seemingly inconsistent opinions were making his head hurt.“Are you okay with how I look or not?”

“Frankly, no. But we can make it work is what I'm getting at. We'll make your weakness your strength. You've just got to promise to do whatever I say. For all we know you might even start liking it.”

Choi Mink laughed harshly under his breath from the living room of Nu'Est's living room as he thought back to his trainee days when he had been told that the androgynous concept would suit his natural appearance the best. The CEO had been right - after awhile, the concept had grown on him and given him a sense of confidence and freedom that he had never felt before. It had been invigorating until the comments about his gender had started.

At first, they didn't bother him. Really, they didn't, at least that's what he made himself believe. He had tough skin and had learned to not let things get to him - when you were in the spotlight you were always going to have people who loved and hated you - there was simply no way around it.

He was usually pretty damn good at not letting people hurt his feelings - his manager had later warned him that he could expect some degree of heat from conservative people who watched the band, but Ren would have to learn how to ignore them. However as he logged onto his twitter account and checked his mentions, his face slowly contorted in annoyance.

The comments were on a selfie that he had posted with Baekho. Ren had recently dyed his hair back to its natural black and gotten long extensions down to his shoulders. People were talking about how manly Baekho looked compared to Ren - something that the maknae was used to by now. What he wasn't used to were the questions about whether or not that he had undergone a sex change and was secretly a woman.

He was a man. How he chose to look didn't affect his gender - fashion didn't make the person wearing it. He was simply taking a style and breaking cultural norms - that was his choice and his charm. Ren still believed that strongly, but as he continued reading, he felt his annoyance growing into genuine anger. One particularly rude comment stuck out to the twenty-year-old and his gaze narrowed as he read the words aloud, his voice barely louder than a hiss.

'Ren didn't have a sex change. I think it should be obvious to everyone that he's just a transvestite. I mean, look at the pictures of him wearing a skirt - he's basically embodying the definition of a transvestite. I think the sex change is probable in his near future, but not right now while Nu'Est is still together. I think when they disband he'll transition. This is just my opinion, though.'

Ren slammed his laptop closed and barely managed to stop himself from throwing it across the room. Instead, he sat it down on the floor beside him and rested his chin on his knees, glaring at the white carpet. It wasn't long before he felt a hand on his shoulder and heard Nu'Est's oldest member, Aron, talking from the couch behind him. “Minki? Why are you mad all of the sudden?”

Shrugging the hand off of his shoulder, Ren shook his head and refused to answer. Aron slid off of the couch and into the floor beside him. “Ren,” he said firmly. The maknae still refused to acknowledge him. Frustrated, Aron began tickling Ren's sides - something that the youngest member absolutely despised.

Ren began laughing hysterically against his will. He swatted Aron's hand away but still the oldest member kept up his relentless attack on Ren's sides. Normally Ren would have started a playful wrestling match with his hyung, but today he was not in a mood to be messed with. “STOP!” he yelled suddenly, startling both himself and Aron.

Aron ceased tickling the clearly pissed off member and stared at him with eyebrows raised. Ren stood up quickly and turned his back to Aron. “I'm going to go see Seong-Un. Don't wait up.” The maknae knew that he was only angry with Aron because he didn't want to admit that being made fun of him had gotten to him. He made a mental note to apologize to his hyung for his outburst after he had calmed himself down.

He knew that he would feel better as soon as he went to see his girlfriend, Seong. The two had been dating since before Nu'Est's debut - before Ren had changed his image for the band. Seong-Un had never seemed to have a problem with how Ren now looked. That had made him realize that her love for him was more than skin deep - she loved him for who he was underneath all of the makeup and clothing.

Ren had taken careful precautions to keep their relationship out of the media - he had seen many relationships torn apart due to comments from jealous fans or news reporters who liked to twist people's words. Even then, he knew that Seong still had social media accounts and followed him on them - she was just as exposed to the comments about him as he was. His biggest fear was that Seong would read some of the absurd comments about him and actually make the mistake of believing them.

So far that had not happened and Seong had repeatedly assured Ren that it wouldn't. He had started to believe her despite his better judgment telling him that there was no way that Seong could be so sure. She had never lived in the limelight - she really had no clue how things worked.

Ren shook his head to clear away the negative thoughts and gave Aron one last apologetic look. Or at least he hoped that it looked apologetic - with his current mood, he wasn't sure if he could control the sullen expression that was surely on his face.

With a final sigh of defeat, Ren turned on his heels and walked out of the Nu'Est dorm past curious managers. He gave them an excuse of going for a walk for some fresh air, but the manager hyungs knew exactly where their charge was going. They just simply chose not to comment on it to give Ren some sort of privacy - they were all too aware that the poor kid already ha a deficit of that.

Luckily Seong's apartment was just within walking distance of Nu'Est's dorm so Ren didn't have too far to travel. It was slightly chilly outside the dorm and Ren considered going back and grabbing his jacket, but knew that he would run the risk of bumping into one of the other four members - he didn't feel like explaining himself to them either.

Ren started his walk with a deep sigh, taking the familiar path to Seong's apartment. He'd made the same walk more times than he could count in the last few years and knowing the way had become second nature to him.

Luckily it was fairly late so there were few cars and people around - less risk of him getting caught by an overly curious fan or reporter. He was glad for that even though any other day he wouldn't have minded stopping for a quick picture or autograph.

Before long, he found himself at the door to Seong's apartment. He knocked on the door gently and waited. He could hear movement across the hardwood floor and knew that she was on her way. A few seconds later the handle jingled and the door was opened, allowing a pajama-clad Seong to come into Ren's view. “Seong-ah,” he mumbled and pulled her against his chest before resting his chin on top of her head. “I missed you.”

“You saw me this morning, Minki.” She said but smiled nonetheless and returned his hug. “Come inside - I'm freezing.”

Ren followed Seong into the living room and shut the door behind him. The spicy sweet scent of cinnamon vanilla wafted up to his nose and he smiled, instantly feeling more relaxed. That was Seong's signature scent - her house always smelled like a mix of those two fragrances and Ren loved it.

When he stopped sniffing the air and focused his gaze on his girlfriend once again, he noticed that her eyes were glazed over and her hair slightly disheveled. “Oh no.. you weren't asleep, were you?”

Seong nodded her head. “I was. But not for very long, so it's okay. But why are you here, Minki? It's almost ten p.m - I know that you haven't forgotten that the band has practice in the morning.”

Ren blinked and looked away, refusing to meet her gaze. “Can't I just decide to have an impromptu visit with my girlfriend?”

“Maybe. But Aron called me and warned me that something had put you into a bad mood.”

Ren's head shot up and he glared in irritation. “Damn him.”

“You don't mean that. He did it because he's worried about you and didn't want me to be unprepared when you got here this late.”

“I know,” Ren mumbled in defeat but didn't elaborate. He didn't move or speak again until Seong grabbed his hand gently and led him over to her couch. She pushed him onto it and took a seat beside him. Ren rested his head in her lap as she ran her hands through his hair, making him immediately relax.

“Minki. I know that something's bothering you. It hurts when you don't trust me enough to tell me what's going on.”

“I don't want to talk about it.”

“Really? Then why would you come here at ten o'clock at night, knowing good and well that you could have come tomorrow after practice?” Seong stopped stroking Ren's hair, causing the singer to roll over and stare up at her questioningly. “Nope. I'm not doing it anymore until you start talking,” she replied, as if able to read his thoughts. She knew that he loved the sensations her hands caused on his scalp - it was one of the reasons that she wondered if he was somehow a reincarnated cat. The boy loved being pet too much.

Ren pouted adorably and Seong looked away, knowing that he was trying to coerce her into ignoring that something was wrong. “I'm not giving up until you talk. We can stay up all night - I've got time, but you don't. You have to wake up for practice at eight a.m, and you know that it takes you at least an hour to fall asleep. It's almost eleven now since you've been wasting time.”

“It was just a stupid comment on twitter. I shouldn't have let it get to me, but it did. It hurt a lot more than it should have.”

“Can I see what they said?” Ren winced and rolled on his side again. He had feared that she would ask him to show her what had his emotions all wound up. He'd been expecting it, but he still hadn't been prepared for the little sting in his heart that the thought of reliving it caused. He was almost ready to tell her no when he felt her running her hands through his hair again, instantly making him agree to show her the comments, despite his strong desire not to.

Ren reached into the back pocket of his jeans and pulled out his cellphone. He logged onto the twitter app with a heavy heart and went to his newsfeed. He was immediately shocked to see that the picture he had posted with Baekho had hundreds of comments now. He scrolled down, trying not to read the rest of them until his gaze fell on the one that he was looking for.

Seong reached for his phone and he gave it to her without much fight. She continued playing with his hair comfortingly as she read, her brow slowly furrowing in sadness as she read the original comment and some of its replies. Her gaze fell on a recent comment that had gotten many retweets. She was terrified of what it said, but she found herself unable to look away.

'At first, I was fine with my teenage daughter listening to this band. I had always thought that something seemed a little bit... off about Ren but never thought that he was like this. He clearly wants to be a woman, and that's not okay. God gave him the body of a man and he's trying to change that. Anyway, that's enough of my opinions. Let's just say that my child is going to have to find another group to “stan” or whatever the word for supporting a group is.. she will no longer be allowed to listen to a band that has a member who dresses like this and embodies these types of things. The last thing I need is for her to come home and ask me if she can become a man..”

Seong's breath caught in her throat as she read the last words, her hand unconsciously tangling in Ren's hair to the point that it hurt. “Seong,” he whined as he reached up and grabbed his girlfriend's wrist. “You're hurting my head.”

Coming back to her senses, she released her hold on his hair and laid his phone down on the arm of the couch. Ren sat up and ran his hand across her cheek gently, obvious concern in his eyes. “What is it?” he questioned as he reached for his phone with his free hand. Seong grabbed his hand and placed it on her shoulder before pulling the singer into a kiss.

Ren pulled back a moment later for air, eyes wide and long hair in disarray. “Now I know that something is wrong. You don't kiss me like that unless you're hoping that I won't ask questions.”

Seong flinched. He knew her too well by this point in their relationship - she couldn't lie to him anymore. With a shaking hand and regret written clearly on her face, she handed Ren his phone. He pressed the button to make the screen come to life and began reading the comment that had upset Seong so much.

Ren didn't speak immediately after finishing. He wasn't sure what to say and didn't really trust his voice. Parents were afraid that he would corrupt their children? Was how he chose to dress really that big of an impact on the younger generation? Better yet, how did his choices influence someone else's? He couldn't be blamed for children who didn't feel comfortable in their bodies - that wasn't even his case. Fashion didn't make the person wearing it.

Ren hadn't realized that he'd started shaking. Seong wrapped her arms around his waist and pulled him closer to her, unsure of whether or not he was angry or trying not to cry. Ren shut his phone off and stared at the ground. He was more pissed than he had been before he had left the dorm - a complete defeat of the purpose of this visit.

“Minnie. You know that I love you, right?” The question came out of nowhere, jarring Ren out of his sullen reverie.

“Yeah. I love you too,” he replied honestly but still without lifting his gaze from the floor.

“Why are you letting it get to you, then? You know that you have the members and me who love you unconditionally. What does it matter if some people don't agree with your decisions?”

“Because this is more than people not liking me, Seong. This is apparently hurting Nu'Est's reputation. Some conservative parents are going to stop their kids from listening to our music, all because of what I look like. There's no way that something like that wouldn't get to me.”

“You still have fans who love you for who you are, Minki. What about them - do their opinions and love not matter to you as much as the negative feedback from critics?”

“I never said that.” Ren's voice had taken on an angry tone, one that Seong was not used to hearing. “The fans that support us are what keeps Nu'Est going. But what if my style keeps driving fans away, to the point that we're not selling any albums or concert tickets? What if Nu'Est fails because of me?”

“Why are you worrying so much? Has JR said anything about your appearance being an issue to the band?”

“No.”

“I thought so. Now do you trust JR as your leader?”

“Of course.”

“I'm reaching the conclusion that you're being neurotic for no reason.”

“Maybe you're right, but I can't help it. I would never forgive myself if I was the reason that all of dreams got crushed.”

“I don't think that's going to happen.” Seong leaned forward and kissed his cheek gently. “Now come on, will you at least try to relax? It's late, you look exhausted and don't have that much time left to sleep. You can stay here tonight and I'll come and watch you practice in the morning.”

Ren nodded, suddenly realizing just how tired that he was - being angry always drained him quickly. That's why he made it a habit of trying and quickly forgiving whoever had done him wrong. But tonight, he wasn't ready to let it go - he would just have to hope he had enough time to recover through sleep.

With a sigh, Ren got off the couch and held his hand out to Seong who took it and led him to her bedroom. He kicked off his shoes and took his shirt off before laying down on the soft mattress of her bed and crawling under the blankets until only his head was showing. Seong kissed the top of his head before laying down beside him and cutting off the lamp.

It was only a few moments later that she heard Ren's soft breathing and knew that he had fallen asleep. It normally took the young singer an hour, but tonight she had the feeling that he hadn't been fighting sleep as much as normal - he had been too tired and upset to have any desire to stay up.

Despite being woken up after barely having gone to bed, Seong found herself unable to sleep. She was worried about Ren - her boyfriend had long since learned not to allow himself to be hurt by what people said and had told her many times that other's opinions didn't matter to him, however, she knew that he was lying. In truth, being insulted or disrespected by anyone bothered him a lot - how could it not? They were tearing apart his dignity with questions about his gender. So what if he dressed differently from most men? That didn't change what he was underneath the clothing, did it?

She wanted to protect him but knew deep in her heart that there was nothing she could do. She couldn't even let people know that they were dating - he did that for her sake she knew, but it still hurt having to keep their relationship so well hidden.

Ren tossed in his sleep and she found herself wondering, not for the first time in their relationship, what dreams he was having. She couldn't imagine that after what had been bothering him before bed that he could be having happy dreams, but she hoped nonetheless that whatever visions his mind was playing for him were pleasant.

Seong reached out to him in the dark room, hoping that she was aiming in the right direction for his hair and wasn't about to hit him in the face. Her hand found long locks and she ran her fingers through them gently so that she didn't wake him up. After a moment she felt her eyelids getting heavy and she allowed her eyes to close as she drifted off into sleep.

"Minki, it's 8:00, you need to get up and take a shower or something to help you wake up. "

"Too tired. Don't want to go to practice."

"Aron is coming over with practice clothes, tell me what you want to wear so he knows."

Ren blinked his dark brown eyes open and focused on Seong's face as awareness slowly crept through him. "Something loose. T-shirt and gym shorts are fine."

"Alright, I'll call him. Now go and get in the shower. Your hair is sticking up everywhere."

Ren grimaced before forcing himself to climb out of Seong's warm bed and stumble groggily into the adjoining bathroom. Seconds later he had stripped out of his jeans and boxers and turned the dial of the shower to adjust the water temperature. With a sigh of effort, he managed to make his tired body cooperate enough to step into the bath and stand under the steamy water.

He almost felt himself being lulled back to sleep by the relaxing spray, but as his cheek brushed against the cold shower wall, he was jarred awake. Damn, next time Seong told him to stop wasting time, he would listen. Ren reached towards the shelf and grabbed the bottle of shampoo sitting there. It smelled like roses - Ren's least favorite scent in beauty products. With a look of distaste, he lathered it into his hair and decided that he would ask JR to lend him some of his cologne before practice. Not that it really mattered - he would smell like sweat soon enough.

It took him longer than it used to wash his hair now, the one downside of the new extensions. For a moment he found himself missing his short blonde hair but quickly crushed the longing feeling. He liked having his hair dark again - it suited his complexion, plus it was something new. If there was one thing that Ren wasn't afraid to do, it was trying new fashion trends. The length was just something he would have to get used to.

A few minutes later he had washed his body and hair and turned the water off. He felt a bit more awake, but it hadn't helped his bad mood. Ren had been trying his best to keep what he had read on twitter the previous night off his mind, but in the end, he failed and the memories crept back up on him. He hadn't been on social media since last night and was a bit scared to log back into it anytime soon.

He hated the feeling of weakness that being afraid to stand up for himself caused. He wasn't afraid to defend himself, he just wasn't allowed to. He had to keep Nu'Est's professional appearance at all costs or it would hurt the band's reputation as a whole - their personal reputations be damned. That meant that Ren basically had to put up with people disrespecting him as a person or risk getting major heat or even forced leave by the company. He didn't like the rules, but sadly, he wasn't the one who put them in place.

Ren took a deep breath and grabbed a fluffy white towel off of the rack beside the shower. He wrapped it tightly around his waist before stepping out onto the tiled floor. He grabbed another towel and attacked his long locks with it, instantly staining it a dull shade of black. The dye in his hair had stopped running in the shower, but was still prone to dying fabrics when wet. And he had used Seong's favorite towels - she had repeatedly begged him not to dry his hair using her good towels if he had recently colored his hair. With a grimace he made a mental note to buy her a new set for her upcoming birthday - she couldn't stay mad at him when he gave her ten more of the same towels, could she?

With that in mind, he quickly walked out of the stuffy bathroom and back into Seong's bedroom. A pair of blue gym shorts and a gray wife-beater were laying folded across the bed, along with the pair of white tennis shoes that he often wore to practice and a pair of ankle-length socks with his favorite character, Luffy from the anime One Piece printed on them. Ren laughed quietly at how well his hyung had thought ahead - he knew what Ren would have asked for had he been awake enough to remember everything he needed for the day. Before he started getting dressed, he quickly hid the stained towel he had used for his hair under the bed - he would explain it to Seong later.

He was dressed and sitting on the bed tying his shoes when Seong came into the room to check on him. She held out a hair-bow when he looked up and Ren smiled gratefully - there was no way in hell that he would have been able to focus with his hair constantly falling in his face and obstructing his vision. Ren frowned when he realized that he hadn't asked Aron to bring him a comb. Seong saw his look and grabbed her own brush off of the vanity. Minki winked and ran it through his hair thoroughly, wincing as it caught in the wet waves. A moment later he pulled his damp locks into a messy ponytail and glanced at himself in the vanity's mirror. He looked fine for practice, but definitely more tired than he usually did.

“Aron already went back to the dorm - everyone else is getting ready. He said we can wait for him to pick us up or we can drive on ahead in my car. Since you're the one going to practice, I'll let you decide.” Seong said after she laid her brush back on the vanity where she could find it. Ren tapped his chin thoughtfully as he he made his decision - he was tired, but he also had too much on his mind. Driving would be a good distraction and might help improve his mood if he couldn't focus as hard on what was bothering him.

“We'll take your car, but I want to drive.”

“Are you sure that's a good idea? You're tired and I really don't think you're in the best of moods right now. I need my car to get to school.”

“I'm sure. If nothing else I'll buy you a new car.”

“Minki, you know that I don't want you to spend that much money on me.”

“Please Seong, just met me drive. It'll distract me a little bit so I can unwind before practice. I'm gonna be too tense to get the moves right if I don't relax.”

“Fine, you can drive. But if I see any indication that you're not in a good condition to drive, promise me that you will pull over and stop the car.”

“Promise.” Seong sighed and grabbed the keys off of her dresser and handed them to Ren. He took them and gave her a quick peck on the cheek before heading outside and getting in Seong's sleek gray Honda Civic.

Ren gripped the steering wheel tightly as he drove down the long expanse of pavement that made up the crowded streets of Seoul. Driving had distracted him for a few moments until he had realized that he hadn't checked any of his social media accounts in hours - he normally tried to respond to at least a few of the messages that he got from fans everyday, but he hadn't been able to log on. He was disappointed in himself for not keeping up the habit that he had picked up - interacting with fans was one of his favorite things to do in his spare time.

Seong noticed the tightness of his hold on her wheel - she had recently gotten the cover replaced and was terrified of any of the paint being chipped off because of rough handling. With a disapproving look she placed her hand on top of one of Ren's to get his attention. He glanced at her before moving his eyes back to the road but said nothing. “You don't have to death grip the wheel.”

Ren chuckled slightly before slackening his hold. “Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. I think the wheel is fine.”

Seong's expression softened as she noticed the distant tone of his voice. He was upset again - she could tell far too easily. “Yeah, I figured. But are you?”

“I dunno. I'm afraid to log onto twitter because I don't want to see what people have said. I don't like being afraid - I think I'm more mad at myself for being scared than I am because I'm being made fun of.”

“You know that its okay to get upset when people talk about you, right? You can't expect to be able to take everything in stride - you're human, not made of stone.” Seong sighed and shook her had sadly before looking out the window. “I'm glad you're getting to live your dream, Ren. But sometimes I really regret what its done to you. The old you would have known that he didn't have to stop himself from feeling upset. You would have embraced your emotions because that's who you were.”

Ren flinched. “You called me Ren..,” he muttered in surprise. Seong normally avoided using his stage name - she felt like he was a completely different person when he went by that name, and not the same Minki that she fell in love with. The fact that she called him that was admitting that she didn't feel like he was the same person at that moment, and it hurt. “Also, I'm still me, Seong. I may act different when I'm on stage, but if you strip everything that Ren is away, I am Minki. I thought you still believed that.”

“I do Minnie. But sometimes I wonder.” She reached and laid her hand against his shoulder before trailing her fingers across his neck, something that she knew gave him chills. “It's just that I've known you since we were born. Our mom's have been friends since they were kids. We've always been together, not to mention that we've been dating since we were teenagers. We're twenty now, Minki. I've been around you for twenty years - and I've had to watch you change more and more since your band's debut. I guess I'm having a hard time keeping up with who you have to be for performances and who you really are. Its like sometimes you forget to switch back to the Minki I know and if I'm being honest, it scares me.”

Ren frowned as he made a right turn in the direction of the practice studio. “I guess you're right. I do change myself to keep up with the new trends and what fans like. I do have different selves that make up Ren's persona as a whole. I'm only Minki when I'm around you and the members away from the spotlight. That's not all that often because our schedules are so strict.”

“You don't know how much I treasure the moments where Ren is gone completely and you're the Minki that I know. I really miss you sometimes.”

“For you, I'll try to be myself more. It does get kind of tiring to have to pretend to be someone I'm not all the time. It just becomes a difficult habit to break. I don't want to lose the person that I am.”

“I won't let that happen. I promise I'm here with you until the end.” Seong smiled and stretched when the familiar practice studio came into view. “Well, we're finally here. I'm ready to get out of this car.”

“Agreed.”

"Ren, did you eat?" JR's voice was clearly concerned, but his face remained stoic as he hovered over his youngest member. Ren's pout grew and the leader knew that he had gotten his question answered. "You're not practicing until you've eaten, and that's final. The last time you didn't eat before practice you collapsed and hit your head. We can't have anyone in the hospital so close to our comeback."

Minki sighed in resignation and held out his hand for the food that he knew JR was probably holding. Something warm was pressed into his hand and he glanced at it, finding that it was actually a chicken biscuit from the McDonalds in Seoul. He unwrapped it and slowly chewed, surprisingly realizing that it tasted good.

Ren watched, still eating his own biscuit as JR offered Seong the last one. She took it and said a quick thank you, smiling slightly. She still wasn't as used to JR as the other members - the leader had a tendency to not talk much and when he did, he often came across as intimidating. She didn't dislike him, she just didn't always feel entirely at ease around him.

Moments later Ren finished the last of his biscuit and the band began practicing the moves for their new song, Sleep Talking. Ren tried to focus on the dance, but found himself having difficulty concentrating. He had bumped into Baekho twice, causing the lead singer to push him backwards in aggravation. After a few moments, he found his groove and found himself slowly forgetting about what had led to his bad mood. That was until he heard angry clapping and the manager stepped forward, an annoyed glower on his face. “Ren, your dance was stunning - simply perfect.” he paused, causing Ren to anticipate that there was a “but” coming. He looked at the ground and bit his lip, refusing to meet the manager's eyes. “But you're doing the wrong dance- that was Hello's dance. Do we need to review the dance for Sleep Talking?”

Ren shook his head and got back into position to restart the dance, the correct one this time. Minhyun gave him a sympathetic look before they began Sleep Talking's complicated first move.

Ren sat on the floor beside Minhyun in position for Sleep Talking's first move, his head down. He was looking at the floor, not really seeing it by this point but attempting to practice regardless of how he felt. It didn't really matter, did it? With a sigh he began dancing when all of the other members sprang to life at JR's cue.

Ren did his solo lines in the song, his voice barely above a dull monotone. The managers just shook their heads in frustration but didn't comment. The singer felt his face flush but continued to sing. Seong gave him a thumbs up which he ignored - he wasn't in the mood for false idealism.

When the dance picked up again Ren didn't see JR directly beside him - he swung his arm in time to the dance and hit the leader in the head, knocking him back. Ren gasped as he realized what he had just done, fully expecting to get yelled at by his hyung. To his dismay, JR simply stared at him, hand on his head. “Minki, what's wrong with you today?”

Ren apologized quickly, no other words coming to him. The manager stepped forward and give the youngest member a glare. “Ren, you've messed up the choreography twice now. Do you not know it? Have all of the weeks of training we've been doing really had so little effect?”

“I know the dance manager hyung. I'm just.. distracted today.”

“ I can tell. You haven't paid any attention to what you've been doing, have you? And now you've gone and given Jonghyun a concussion.”

“Actually, my head is fine.” JR mumbled, his voice annoyed. Ren thought that his annoyance was directed at him, then he noticed that the leader's gaze was firmly on the manager. “Stop being so hard on Minki. He had a bad day yesterday.”

Unwilling to get into a fight with the intimidating leader, the manager walked away, uttering a string of angry curses but not giving the members another look as he retreated. Ren gave JR an appreciative look then lowered his gaze down to the floor in slight embarrassment. “You didn't have to protect me.”

“No, I didn't. But I wanted to. Manger-hyung has had a stick up his ass all day, and I'm getting sick of it. He deserved to be told off.” JR hit his youngest dongsaeng on the shoulder lightly. “Now smile, or tell me why you're so out of it today.”

“I read some stuff on twitter about me being androgynous.”

“So? We've dealt with that since debut, Ren. Why does it suddenly matter more to you?”

“Because, I'm not a girl, JR. I'm a guy, regardless of how the fuck I look.” Ren's eyes widened - he had surprised himself with his sudden outburst. Seong gave him a disapproving look and he glanced at the ground for what felt like the thousandth time that morning.

“Minki, you've known since debut that these comments were going to come.”

“Yeah, but I didn't think that they were going to start hurting our reputation.”

“Why would you say that? I haven't seen any indication that sales of anything are going down at all. We're doing fine, Renny.”

Ren didn't respond, he simply grabbed his phone from Seong's purse and pulled up twitter, searching for the string of comments that had ruined his day. He found them quickly due to the still growing chain or retweets and handed the phone to the leader.

JR's jaw tightened as he read some of the more disrespectful comments about his youngest band-mate. His natural protective nature as the leader took over and his fingers gripped the phone harder than he meant to. This wasn't lost on Ren who laid a gentle hand on his hyung's shoulder. “What is it, JR?”

“I don't know what to say about this. This is bullshit. Why the hell does it matter if you don't completely look your gender - that's not hurting anybody. Its your goddamned choice to dress and look how you want.”

“JR!” Baekho called from the floor beside JR's feet. “Language. Seriously, I know you're pissed but tone down the cursing.”

“Fuck off Baekho. You know that you have quite the mouth on you when you're mad.”

Baekho didn't respond - he knew that when the leader was in a bad mood, there would be no reasoning with him without getting his head bitten off. Plus, be had a point.

JR took a deep breath, willing himself to calm down. It was never good for himself or his band when he got riled up like this. “I'm sorry, Baekho. I should have thought more about what was about to come out of my mouth.” He turned to Ren and gave him a sympathetic, if not a tad apologetic look. “Ren, there are more comments that I'm sure you haven't seen. They're not good - some of them are downright degrading and insulting. But before you get yourself worked up again, listen to me. Your image is not hurting Nu'Est. You're free to be yourself.”

“Those comments say otherwise, don't they?”

“Yeah. But we're not worried about what people who aren't really fans say. If they really supported Nu'Est, they would support all of us. Don't worry about what some people say - pay attention to what the one's who actually care about you say.”

“I told him that, but he didn't listen. Maybe hearing it from his leader will help some.” Seong smiled as she took Ren's hand. He squeezed it gently, ignoring a mocking look from Minhyun.

JR smiled shyly and nodded. “Yeah. Minki is kind of hard headed sometimes, but you probably know that better than us by this point.”

“I'm right here, and I'm not hard headed.” Ren defended, a slight blush coloring his neck and cheeks.

JR smirked as he ran a hand through his long bangs. “Sure you're not Ren. But anyway, I think we should cut practice short today - let's go get something to eat.”

The manager, who had been silent up until that point, walked furiously towards JR and grabbed the leader by the front of his shirt. “Are you crazy, Jonghyun? You have a comeback in a few weeks. This isn't the time to be taking days off and getting lazy. Its the time to amp up and practice harder!”

JR's fist clenched at his side and it took everything he had not to punch the manger in the face right then and there. Instead, with his gaze too calm, he met the managers gaze with his own dark brown eyes. “First of all, I suggest that you let me go.” The manager did as instructed, releasing JR's shirt and taking an appropriate step back. JR nodded in satisfaction before sighing deeply. “Second of all, I'm the leader of these guys, and I take care of my boys. They're all tired and Ren's head isn't in the game. He's not going to learn anything by being forced to stay here when he has no chance of focusing. I'm gonna take them out so that he can calm down some so tomorrow will be more productive. Are we clear?”

The manger shook his head. “Fine, do whatever you want. I couldn't stop you anyway, not without you making a claim to the director about me prohibiting you from leaving against your will. So go, but be back here at the same time tomorrow, or we will have a problem.”

JR didn't respond he just gestured to the door and began walking towards it, his members and Seong following closely behind. Seong walked faster to match her pace with Ren's and he wound his hand through hers with a small smile. They made it out of the huge company building at back outside into the bright afternoon light.

The beautiful setting was interrupted by the all too familiar flash of cameras and Minki instinctively pulled his hand away from Seong's, glaring at the reporters who had appeared in front of them. With one last look, Ren pulled Seong to him and pushed her face into his side, hiding her from the view of the cameras.

He walked quickly, ignoring the hands grabbing at him and the voices begging him to give them the latest scoop on his life. when the couple arrived at Seong's car, he quickly pushed his girlfriend into the car, allowing her to get in first as he went around to the driver's side. He put the keys in the ignition and sped off at a speed that probably wasn't legal, leaving the reporters in the dirt.

Nu'Est was scheduled for an interview, and Ren was terrified. It was two days after being spotted by reporters at the Pledis company building, and if Ren had been avoiding social media before, he was never going back on it at this point. JR had told him not to worry too much, but he couldn't help it. He had seen what the media could do to twist relationships, and he wasn't prepared to lose Seong due to something like that.

He wasn't naive - he knew that there had been far too many reporters waiting for them for him to fully have been able to protect Seong from all of their views - at least one of them had to have gotten a picture of her face, compromising her identity.

He also knew how these interviews worked - the hosts purposely asked questions that would be difficult or revealing for the members to answer, so that they could get any scoop into the lives of celebrities to boost their ratings.

With a sigh Ren buttoned up his white shirt and pulled a black jacket over it, before looking into the mirror. He had his hair tied in a bun at his nape, and a short gold chain hanging from his neck. He looked at least presentable, not that he cared very much how he looked for this one particular interview.

Five minutes later the manager hurriedly shooed him out of his room and into the waiting van, reprimanding Ren for taking too long and risking that they arrive late to the interview.

“So Ren, the next question is for you.” The interviewer smiled, and Ren returned the expression, even though he felt it turning into a grimace. “There were some pictures leaked on the internet a few days ago, of you and a young woman. In one of the pictures you were holding her hand, and then the next shows you holding her close to your side. Can I ask if she's your girlfriend?”

Ren laughed nervously and Aron laid a comforting hand on his shoulder, giving him an encouraging look when he caught his gaze. He nodded and turned back to the interviewer. “She is.”

The interviewer's eyes widened in surprise. “So you have a girlfriend?”

“Yes sir.”

“Are you aware that their are rumors that you're gay? Some of them suggest that you're in a relationship with your band-mate JR? You're crushing that rumor today?”

“I was aware that there were rumors about my sexuality, yes. I didn't know that they suggested that I was in a relationship with JR.”

“There are, I'll show you them if you want. But since you're crushing that rumor, how long have you and your girlfriend been in a relationship?”

“We started dating when we were fifteen, but we've known each other since we were born.”

“Oh, so you were childhood friends?”

“Yes, so were our mothers.”

“When did you first realize that you were attracted to her?”

“Well, I always sort of had a crush on her, but I didn't know that at first - I thought I was just really close to her because I'd known her for so long. Then when we got into middle school and she started growing up, I realized that she was beautiful.”

“When you say she “grew up”, you mean her body matured, as in she developed..” the host stopped talking and gestured towards his chest. Ren caught the meaning and laughed a little bit, blushing as he looked down.

“I didn't base my feelings on her chest size.”

“Are you saying that you don't like breasts?”

“What? No. I just said -”

“Ren, are you gay?”

JR grabbed Ren by the collar before he could jump out of his seat. The leader knew that this host had a habit of asking personal questions in a very forthright and insensitive way, and also twisting the words of the celebrities to make the question and response all the more juicy. He had hoped that he wouldn't do that to Ren, but had been prepared just in case.

Ren struggled against the older member's grip, but couldn't break free. By this point he was sure that the directors of the show had called cut, but it wouldn't have mattered anyway - the show was broadcast live, and the whole of South Korea that had been watching had already seen his outburst.

He stopped struggling when he saw the expressions on his band-mates faces. He could do nothing by getting angry - it would only give critics more to talk about if he couldn't contain his anger and continued acting out. With a huff of intense anger, he relaxed and JR knew that he was trying to calm down. He released his hold on Minki's collar and sat back, waiting with baited breath as the host sat in his seat, staring at them in shock. “I'm sorry about that Ren, that was rude of me.”

“Yeah, it was.” Ren muttered, unable to control the venom that seeped into his words.

“I think that we should.. call off the rest of this interview. I'm not sure if any of you have anything else you'd like to say to me.”

“You're kind of a dick.” Aron said and gave the reporter a glare before standing up. “We'd leave even if you hadn't given us permission.” Seong sat on the couch of her apartment in shock as the broadcast of Nu'Est's interview was cut off abruptly without warning. The host had insensitively questioned Ren's sexuality with absolutely no reason to other than his own personal speculation. She couldn't blame Ren for his reaction, even though he had reacted more strongly than she thought that he normally would have. He was typically so much more calm and forgiving, but he had instantly gotten angry at the host's comments and she was positive that if JR hadn't grabbed him by the shirt, he would have gone to extreme lengths to shut the host up.

She was worried about him, but he hadn't been answering his phone. She called the other members, but they weren't picking up either.

With nothing better to do, Seong went onto her social media to catch up. What she found on Twitter surprised her so much that she dropped her phone on the floor. It was a picture of Ren, but it wasn't just him. In the picture he was kissing JR.

Seong knew that she shouldn't believe it, but it wasn't the only one. Surely people didn't have enough time to Photoshop all of those pictures? There were too many, each becoming increasingly graphic in its depiction of her boyfriend with his leader.

Then she read the comments on some of the pictures, and she felt her heart sink into her stomach like an anchor. It was at that terrible moment that she heard the door to her apartment open and footsteps loud enough to be heard even though they were coming across carpet. Before she knew it, lips were being crushed against hers and instead of being taken over by the familiar kiss, she struggled against the hands that had found their way to her hips.

Seong pushed Ren away hard enough where he nearly stepped on the phone that she hadn't picked up. He looked down at the floor and saw a picture of him kissing JR. His face fell and and he stared at Seong, his face instantly paling. “You know this is photoshopped, right?”

She shook her head once. “I thought that at first, but why are there so many of them? And look at this!” her voice raised louder than she meant it to as she grabbed her phone from beside Ren's foot before thrusting it into his hands. He read the comment, feeling his fists clench at his side with each word.

'Just because Ren was with a girl, does not mean that he's straight. I'm sorry for all of the fangirls who just can't accept that he's gayer than a circle, but he's not interested in women. He's probably just using her as a cover up to hide his feelings for JR. Look at all of the videos of them acting gay together under the pretense that it's just “skinship” I'm sorry, but last time I checked, skinship doesn't involve making out with a band-mate at any chance you get. I think he's in love with JR and if this girl really is someone that he's dating, I feel bad for her honestly.'

Ren's hands were shaking as he gripped the phone, his gaze slowly turning back to Seong. She was staring at him with an unreadable expression on her face, and he searched her eyes, searching for some sign that she didn't completely believe the rumor that she was seeing about him. Dammit, their relationship was stronger than that, wasn't it?

But as he he caught her gaze, he began to wonder if that was the truth. She was staring at him as if she didn't recognize him, and he realized that it was because of the conversation that they had in the car. She didn't know his Ren personality - he wasn't the same person as he was when he was himself. She didn't know if Ren was capable of cheating on her and using her as a cover up for a relationship with a man.

He had no words to reason with her, but he had to try anyway regardless. He couldn't just give up and let her go without a fight because dammit she was worth it. “Seong, you can't really believe this crap. Look at me.” He tried to grab her face to turn her head towards him, but she kept moving and refused to let him get his hand near her.

“I wouldn't believe it, but why did you react so strongly on that interview, Minki? You and I both know that you've been asked that question a lot - why did it affect you so badly today?”

“Did you not hear how he asked me, Seong? He was asking me that because I don't love you for your boobs. Did you want me to tell him that was the only reason that I fell for you?”

“You know you've been asked if you're gay in worse ways before, and you always responded to them with a smile and told them that you have a girlfriend. You were more defensive, and I know why.”

“Because its true, Ren! You're in love with JR. Why else would you get so defensive when he named names, instead of just asking if you were interested in men? He implicated JR and you went off.”

“Why would you believe that I love JR in that way?”

“You touch each other all of the time, hell sometimes you touch him more than you touch me.”

“You know that isn't true.”

“Do I, Ren?” Seong countered, using his stage-name like a sword. The implication of her using that name stabbed into his heart like a sword and he gasped like his chest really had been pierced. “Its been a long time coming, really. I told you that I don't recognize you when you step off of that stage. You've changed so much even though I've been beside through the entire thing. I really don't know who you are at all anymore.”

Ren's heart ceased beating entirely and he took a step back. “You're not really breaking up with me, are you?”

Seong looked down at the ground. “Yes, I really am. I'm sorry Ren.” She didn't look up until she heard the door to her apartment slam. Seong raised her head up slowly, allowing the tears to stream from her eyes freely as her heart slowly broke because she had just broken the heart of the love of her life, and her best friend.

Ren didn't make it very far before a choked sob escaped his mouth against his will. He covered his mouth with his hand, trying to cover up the choked sounds but failing miserably. He stumbled blindly in the direction of Nu'Est's dorm, his legs weak and eyesight obscured by unshed tears. By some miracle he reached the dorm and got inside without being spotted or asked any questions by people on the street who wanted to know why he looked like he was about to cry. But once he was inside the dorm and saw Aron sitting on the couch watching a movie, the dam that was barely containing his raging emotions broke, and the current of tears that he had been suppressing ran down his face freely.

Aron shot up from the couch and enveloped the maknae in a hug, instinct controlling his mind as he rubbed his friend's back. Ren didn't reciprocate the hug, instead he just stood there as stationary as a wall. It wasn't long before the rest of the members came into the living room, various expressions of shock on their faces. All except for JR who watched the entire ordeal with guilt written clearly on his face. He had saw the pictures - he had posted on his twitter asking people to stop photoshopping those pictures, but they hadn't. And now Ren had come home from Seong's house crying, and he knew, he just knew that she had broken up with him because of the pictures.

He hated seeing Ren heartbroken because of him, but there was nothing that he could do to take away his friend's pain. Instead he went back to his room and locked the door, throwing himself down on his bed and grabbing his phone and headphones. He stared at the ceiling and blasted music to drown out the sounds of Ren's heart wrenching sobs that he couldn't help but feel like he was fully responsible for and soon fell into a restless sleep.

Two weeks passed and it was obvious to Ren's band-mates that he was far from okay. He refused to come out of his room other than to eat and use the bathroom, unless they had practice. His dancing and singing were as lifeless as his eyes, which were near devoid of emotion. He barely spoke to the members outside of what was necessary, and none of them could take the near silent state that the door stayed in constantly. As much as Baekho and Minhyun had messed with him about being a chatterbox, they missed their noisy friend.

As much as they hated attaching more labels to the poor kid, they all knew in their hearts that the only diagnosis for Ren's sudden change in behavior was depression. He slept half of the time that they weren't practicing and spent the other half of the time struggling like hell to fall asleep. He ate but it was only when the members knocked on his bedroom door and reminded him to, then he went straight back to his room and locked the door.

It was weighing the most heavily on JR, whose guilt was causing his already hard to contain temper to erupt. He spent a lot of his angry energy by working out at the gym. It kept him from blowing up on one of the members or the manger, but it could't take away the guilty feeling in his heart. In a rare moment where Ren had spoken since the breakup with Seong, Ren tried to assure JR that he didn't blame him for what happened, but the leader couldn't help but feel that he was just saying that to spare him the guilt.

It was that guilt that led him to Ren's door. He knocked on it lightly, and at first received no answer. Just as he was about to turn away, a quiet reply came from within. “Yeah?”

“Can I come in?” JR asked cautiously, expecting to be told no. A few heartbeats later he heard the door being unlocked from the other side, and then there was Ren, his long black hair disheveled and eyes slightly puffy. He had been crying again - it didn't take a genius to figure that out.

Ren sighed impatiently when JR didn't say anything. “What is it, Jonghyun?”

“Can we talk?”

Ren nodded and stepped aside, granting JR access to the room. The leader stepped into the normally neat space and found it in disarray, something unusual on its own. Ren sat down on the bed and JR took a seat beside him. Neither spoke for a few minutes until surprisingly, it was Ren who broke the silence. “You still blame yourself, don't you?”

“I can't help it. It was pictures of us that made her break up with you.”

“Yeah, but they were photoshopped. We've never kissed each other.”

“Doesn't mean that we haven't thought about it.” JR's eyes widened. He hadn't meant to let that slip out, but it was true.

“Seong doesn't know that I'm bisexual.”

Now that was a new piece of information that JR hadn't been aware of. “You never told her? Better yet, she's known you since you were born. How could she not know?”

“I didn't even know until about a year after we started dating, and I didn't really want to bring up that I realized I like dudes to my girlfriend. I thought it would scare her off... a bit like those pictures did I guess.” Ren laughed bitterly and shook his head.

JR sighed. “I know you're upset Ren, but we're worried about you.”

“I'm fine.”

“Are you though? You barely come out of your room except for when you have to. This is the most we've spoken since she broke up with you.”

“I said I'm fine, JR.”

“I know that you say that you're alright, but that doesn't mean that you really are, Minki.”

“Well, I am. Maybe you should learn how to trust me. I think I know when I'm okay or not.”

“If you think you're alright you're lying to yourself.”

“Will you just butt out? I'm fine - drop it already.” Ren sighed in exhaustion, even though he was more mentally tired than physically. He laid down on his bed and closed his eyes. JR stood in place until he realized that Ren was waiting for him to leave. He sighed and obliged, closing Ren's door behind him. Only once he was gone did Ren lock the door and reach under his bed for the bottle of soju that he had stored under there in hopes of hiding it from his members. He had stolen it from Aron's liquor cabinet when the oldest member had left it unlocked.

He uncapped it and took a long swig, wincing at the burning sensation that it caused. His mind wandered back to the comments that seemed like they had bothered him so long ago about him looking like a girl. He had Seong to help him cope during that time, and now he was completely alone, left to read the comments against him by himself with no one to lessen the blow.

The comments had only gotten worse. Now they weren't just talking about him as a person. No, they were threatening his life. People who thought that he was gay or anything other than completely straight had been sending him death threats, threatening to kill him if they ever met him in person. He was terrified for his life and that was part of the reason that he barely came out of his room. It wasn't all because of Seong, even though he couldn't lie to himself and say that he wasn't depressed. He avoided the members because he knew that they would want him to see a counselor to get himself checked out so that he could get back to normal,but Ren couldn't see his life ever being normal again.

He had never considered suicide before, but as he sat on the floor of his dark room, locked away by himself, he felt like just maybe ending it all was the best option. With a shuddering breath he took another sip of the soju before putting the cap on and crawling back into bed to listen to some Lady Gaga to get his mind off of things. Even his favorite singer couldn't cheer up his dark mood.

Sleep mercifully claimed him a few moments later, but his sleep was far from restful. He dreamed of Seong leading a mob of people to Nu'Est's dorm and helping them kill him. He couldn't wake up and was forced to watch and feel it as the woman he loved ended his life.

But maybe dying wasn't so bad

[imagine-always-and-forever]

Klaus being afraid to take your friendship to the next level would include...

all things considered, you couldn’t blame him for being scared

his track record with love was shaky at best and the heart can only take so much breaking before you get scared it’ll shatter once and for all or if it’s too broken to recognize

you noticed Klaus’s fear after some months of his odd behaviour

it had taken you ages to realize that it wasn’t wishful thinking and that something was there

in fact, it took Kol and Rebekah telling you as much (albeit Kol’s was done in a snarkier way that was aimed to insult you rather than clarify his brother’s actions and confirm your suspicions)

over those months after you tried giving Klaus opportunities as you knew he liked to be the one to initiate (connected to his whole being the manly alpha thing)

but Klaus never took them

he acted oddly when you thought he realized the opportunity existed

excuses would come up, he’d leave, he’d do anything to ruin the moment, he’d act like even the most obvious opportunity and unsaid offer wasn’t there at all

yet his eyes always gave him away

his body language and his gestures sent such starkly different messages that it left you baffled

why?

it wasn’t like him to not take what he so obviously wanted and what was so obviously on offer

you confronted Elijah about his brother’s behaviour

Elijah told you what you already knew, Klaus had a rough history with love of any kind and a messed up relationship with the concept entirely

Klaus, you realized, was scared

and if there was one thing you knew would get him to at least talk about it so that you could at the very least get back to normal, was to call him on it

so you did

he played right into your hand

Klaus didn’t like hearing people say he was scared of anything

as with all emotional conversations with Klaus, it ended in yelling

you probably should have picked the timing better

it was two in the morning in the middle of the living room

you had to have woken the entire street up but nobody came running and the police didn’t come knocking

it was almost a half hour into the yelling, your voice was getting tired and you’d already shed tears of anger, hurt, upset, and more, when Klaus finally said it

he didn’t so much admit that he was scared as admit what it was that scared him

how could he be sure that you’d stay?

how could he be sure that you’d keep loving him?

his past told him that love was a lot more complicated than feelings in the moment

how could you love him?

how could he handle losing you be it through your death or otherwise?

because, the truth was, “in the end, we are left infinitely and utterly alone” so what’s the point in getting hurt?

the point, you are sure to tell him, is that the past does not define the future and only he can decide if he is left alone because you aren’t going anywhere

and he can quote you on that in a few centuries if he ever gets scared again

[chasholidays]

Bellamy/Clarke Bellamy is a florist, Clarke is a cop

If someone had asked Clarke to come up with a profile of Bellamy Blake, florist, she would have put them in their late fifties or early sixties, an older woman who wasn’t quite a grandmother but hoped to be soon, someone whose hair had gone white early, but in a fashionable way. She would have assumed Bellamy Blake made lovely floral arrangements and had candy on the counter for children who came into her store with their parents.

Of those assumptions, only one would be true: Bellamy Blake makes lovely floral arrangements. But he’s also in his mid twenties, with curly black hair and freckles, and she’s pretty sure that if he wasn’t pissed at her for arresting his sister, they’d get along.

Not that she knows about the floral arrangements the first time she meets him. The first time she meets him, she mostly just knows he’s fucking pissed.

“What the fuck?” he demands, and Clarke actually assumes that he’s talking to Octavia. “Why are you holding her?”

“She peed on a police car,” says Clarke. “Also she’s seventeen and intoxicated.”

“And you’re going to charge her for that? It’s dumb high-school shit.”

Privately, Clarke agrees, and she has no intention of charging her. But she thinks taking her in and making her hang out at the station is a pretty good solution, all things considered. She was hoping calling Octavia’s older brother, who’s apparently her legal guardian, would also put the fear of god in her, but Bellamy Blake seems much more interested in attacking Clarke.

“It’s illegal dumb high-school shit. Can we talk in private?”

His jaw works, but then he nods. Clarke doesn’t have an office, but there’s an empty interrogation room by her desk, so she takes him in there.

“I’m letting her off with a warning, but I would suggest you make it clear to her how serious this is. Public urination can land you on the sex offenders registry if you do it close enough to a school. We all do dumb shit in high school, but it’s better if it stays in high school.”

He considers her, arms crossed, irritation still radiating off of him. “Is there a bad cop who’s showing up, or will you just switch at some point?”

“No trick. Just a warning. It would help if you acted like this was a big deal.”

“I don’t need lessons from you on how to take care of my sister,” he says.

“Fine, then don’t take them,” she snaps. “I’m issuing the warning and you can take her home or back to the party or wherever. I don’t give a shit.”

“Pleasure doing business with you, officer,” he says, and once the paperwork is done, they’re gone.

The encounter sticks with Clarke in the way some encounters do. It’s nothing terribly special, really; she deals with plenty of drunk kids and annoyed guardians. But the file had stuck out because Bellamy was young to be taking care of a teenager, and she couldn’t help but be annoyed by his lax standards. None of it is a big deal, but it’s just enough to be memorable.

It’s enough that when she needs a flower arrangement for a coworker who was injured in the line of duty and he’s at the counter at the flower shop she goes to, she recognizes him, but she doesn’t place him until he says, “Officer,” in the same curt, disdainful tone he used a little over a year ago.

She came in after work, and she’s still wearing her uniform. She’s not exactly being subtle.

“Is there a problem?” he asks, and she thinks he knows her too, but she’s not actually sure. He could just dislike cops. He wouldn’t be the first one.

“No. A coworker is in the hospital, I wanted to get some flowers for him.”

“Of course.” His voice is still cool, but he straightens a little. “Did you have anything particular in mind?”

“Just a standard get-well-soon arrangement? On the smaller and cheaper side.” She considers, but his expression and manner still bother her, so she adds, “He’s kind of insecure about his masculinity, so if you can lean into that I’d appreciate it.”

He frowns, looking at least confused instead of actively aggressive. “Lean into what, exactly?”

“I don’t know, like a teddy bear, maybe? Something to make him feel kind of uncomfortable because it’s not manly enough, but he can’t get rid of it because it’s a nice gesture.”

He finally cracks a smile. “Yeah, that’s a more common request than you’d think. I can handle that. Thirty bucks okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Great. I’ll have that done in a minute.”

Clarke watches him work, feeling more relaxed as nothing bad happens. He probably did forget her and just doesn’t like cops. It’s not a position she’ll ever fault anyone for, and with his dark complexion, she’s guessing he gets more “random” harassment than someone like her would.

But she’s glad that he smiles when he rings her up. The arrangement is perfect; she’d like to come back.

She comes up with an excuse just over months later, because mother’s day is coming up and she never gets her mother anything, so now is clearly the time to start. She goes in out of uniform and Bellamy shows no sign of recognizing her at all. He has some pre-made arrangements for the holiday that can be customized, and he and Clarke talk through what she’d like. She pays extra for a delivery service, and it’s all very professional and civil.

She wears her uniform next time, just to see if he remembers her, and he seems to, but not as anything other than a cop he doesn’t hate. Which is what she wants, mostly. He seems like a cool guy, from what she’s seen, and she’d like him to think she’s honest and fair.

That’s definitely why she keeps going.

She’s been going in every few months for about two years when she stops by at the beginning of June and sees he’s put up big display of rainbow flowers outside, arranged around a cursive sign reading simply, Be proud. It’s cool, but she can’t help being a little, well–curious. If he’s expressing pride as a general concept or because he’s part of the LGBT community, and if he is, what part.

Even if she hadn’t already been planning to go in, she definitely would be now.

As usual, he’s at the register, but for the first time ever, his sister is with him, chatting at him from across the counter. They both look up at the sound of the bell, and Octavia narrows her eyes at Clarke.

“Why do I know you?”

“Because she arrested you for peeing on her car in high school,” says Bellamy.

Clarke doesn’t flush, but—she really didn’t think he remembered. It’s been more than three years since the arrest happened, and he never seemed surly at her. He certainly never mentioned it, not even that first time.

Octavia snaps her fingers. “Right, that was it.”

“I hope you don’t get arrested so often you can’t keep the cops straight,” Clarke offers, and to her relief, both of them smile. They have the same way of curling one side of their mouth in reluctant amusement, and it’s cute, seeing the family resemblance.

“I was pretty wasted.“

“Maybe don’t brag about your underage drinking to, again, the cop who actually arrested you for it.”

“She already let me off with a warning. It’s not like she’s going to retroactively charge me. She knew I was drunk the first time.”

Bellamy rubs the bridge of his nose. “You must have something else to do. Literally anything.”

“You don’t need help?”

“She wants flowers for her mom’s birthday, I think I can handle it. Go check on the greenhouse.”

“Yeah, yeah. Nice to see you again, officer. Thanks for letting me off with a warning, sorry I peed on your car.”

“In your defense, you were wasted.”

She grins. “I’m saying.”

Once they’re alone, Clarke doesn’t think she’s the only one who feels awkward. Bellamy rubs the back of his neck, discomfort written all over his posture, and it makes something warm curl in her stomach. At least she’s not the only one.

“I didn’t think you recognized me.”

“It took me a second, but your name’s on the credit card, and I had my note with your name and badge number, so I could check. I, uh–I am sorry,” he adds. “I got taken down to the police station for some bullshit stuff when I was in high school, but O deserved it.”

She leans on the counter. “Like what?”

“I was looking into my friend’s window to see if he was home and a policeman passing by put me in cuffs and took me to the station.”

“Did you get charged?”

“They were on high alert because my friend’s dad was the police chief. The officer thought he was going to get a commendation for finding some dumb kid trying to break into the chief’s house, and Captain Miller was just like, hi Bellamy.”

“So at least it was satisfying.”

“Once I stopped being terrified, yeah. I knew if I made it to the station I’d be fine, but I was always worried I wouldn’t.”

“I get it when people don’t like cops. But I was kind of hoping you were going to yell at your sister instead of me.”

“If it helps, I yelled at her when we got home.”

“It does.” She smiles. “So, the pride bouquet.”

His expression gives nothing away. “What about it?”

“It’s awesome. I was hoping I could get a custom one for my desk. It could hang out with my rainbow flag and alienate my asshole coworkers.”

He seems to be thinking over his phrasing, finally settles on, “What pride are you showing?”

“Bisexual.”

“Cool, that’s mine too,” he says, casual, and Clarke feels a strange surge of hope. She’s always a little wary about dating straight guys, but–bisexual could work. If he can get over the cop thing. And he’s interested.

Fuck, she hasn’t actually been nursing a crush for three years, has she? That would be so fucking stupid. But–he’s cute. And, perversely, guys who don’t like cops are kind of her type. Familiarity breeds contempt.

“So, you want blue, purple, and pink? I haven’t done that before, but I think I can come up with something cool.”

“Yeah, that would be great. And something for my mom for her birthday? She expects flowers now, apparently.”

“That’s a new development?” he asks, with a kind of casual curiosity that makes her flush. “Flowers seem like your go-to present.”

“I’ve never been great with gifts, so when I find something she likes, I just kind of go with it.”

“So now you’re on flowers?”

“They’re good conversation pieces. She’s a doctor, so she puts them in her office and her patients ask about them, and then she gets to talk about her police-officer daughter who sends flowers.”

“Glad I’m helping. So, one mom bouquet and one bi bouquet?”

“Yup.” She worries her lip, but it feels safe to add, “Thanks, Bellamy.”

His smile is soft. “Sure. Let me know how many fights you get in.”

“Yeah, I’ll keep you posted.”

*

She keeps the bouquet until it wilts, and goes to get another one when it does. It’s pretty and a good litmus test for coworkers, so she just keeps on getting them for a few months, until she gets shot in early September, the day before she’s planning to go to Bellamy’s.

It sounds a lot worse than it is, jut a grazing hit to her shoulder. It’s not fun, by any stretch of the imagination, but as bullet wounds go, it’s basically the best-case scenario.

Her mother still wants her to stay in the hospital for a few days.

“We need to make sure there weren’t any complications. Bullet wounds can–”

“I’m going to listen to my actual doctor,” Clarke says, making her voice gentle. “The one who has access to all my charts.”

Abby smiles a little too. “I suppose I can’t argue with that.”

“I’m off work no matter what. I’ll take it easy.”

“I’m going to hold you to that.”

There’s a knock on the door and they both startle, and Clarke startles again when it’s Bellamy, holding a bouquet of yellow and blue flowers, with a sheepish smile on his face.

“Sorry,” he says. “They told me visitors were fine, I didn’t think the doctor would–”

“This is my mother,” she says. “Mom, this is–my friend Bellamy.” It feels more accurate and less awkward than my florist. “Hi, Bellamy.”

“Hi. I can come back,” he adds, and she rolls her eyes.

“Mom probably has actual patients to see.”

“I do,” says Abby. “Let me know if you need anything. Nice to meet you, Bellamy.”

“You too.” He still lingers by the door, looking unsure, until Abby has to go by him, and only then does he finally come over to the cot. “Jesus. You really did get shot.”

She laughs a little. “Sorry, did you think it was a hoax? How did you even know?”

“I follow the police department on Twitter, they talk about incidents. I googled it to make sure it wasn’t you, and then it was.” His eyes dart over her, like he’s trying to remind himself she’s there. “Are you–okay? Relative to getting shot.”

“Yeah, I’m fine. They had to operate to get a fragment out, but they’re not worried. I’m staying for observation, should be out tomorrow or the next day.”

“Good.”

“Can I see the flowers?”

He frowns. “What?”

“You brought flowers. Which ones?”

“Oh, uh–you like yellow and blue,” he says. “Or maybe your mom does, but–when you’re not getting pride bouquets, you usually like yellow and blue, smaller blooms, lots of leaves. So I thought–”

“It’s perfect. Thanks.”

He ducks his head, pleased. “Cool, I’m glad.” And then, like a idiot, he stands up. “So, uh, feel better. Get–”

She grabs his wrist with her good hand. “Bellamy.”

“Yeah?”

“You came all the way down here. You don’t have to leave. Company would be nice. If you don’t have anywhere else to be.”

He sits again. “I told Octavia not to burn down the store, so I’ve got an hour or two before she gets bored and turns to arson.” He pauses. “I should probably stop making jokes about her committing crimes, huh?”

“I promise I will never arrest your sister unless she’s actively committing a crime in front of me. Again.”

“That seems fair.” He hesitates, and then takes her hand, smiles when she squeezes his fingers. “I’m hoping you’re going to see more of her. And me. I’m probably going to ask you out when you’re not, uh. In a hospital.”

“You can ask me out now,” she says. “We just can’t go anywhere until I’m discharged. And maybe a week after that.”

“Cool. So, you want to go on a date with me maybe a week after you’re discharged?”

“Yeah, I’d love to.”

He brings flowers for their first date too, and the second, and the third, and somehow they’re her favorites, every single time.