#but cancelled bc im sooo tired now

[fatcowboys]

I keep forgetting that I'm still not at a full two weeks out from surgery and keep doing Too Much sir calm down you didn't leave your house for a week and a half you just bc you're not in constant pain doesnt mean you can start going on long adventures yet!!! take a minute damn!!!

[yutadori]

aughhh i feel like this 2020-2021 has been so bad in terms of my health like so many health issues have been popping up and its really frustrating. i dont know if my digestive issues will ever be resolved and the thought of having to live like this for years is so depressing like im just going to do my best to not think about it but . fuck . and not only that like the intense fatigue i experienced this spring is a problem again like it's not as intense kinda but it does suck a Lot !! and i called my general physician to see if i could schedule an appointment to talk to him about it but the earliest available one is november 4 <3

like its already so frustrating to have to deal with all of this but i feel very alone in it all too . my family doesnt really like to help me out that much like there will be moments where ill refrain myself from asking for help because im worried they'll either a. get mad at me for asking b. call me lazy or c. they might help me but they'll make me feel extremely guilty . and it sucks because i dont /want/ these problems !!!! im just trying to live im trying to try my best but its not easy because it feels like i dont have anyone to rely on which makes things harder . and i dont really talk to my friends about my health issues because i dont want them to worry and i dont want to bother them or make them feel bad for not having a solution etc but its just so frustratingggg

[gildedskull]

My friends ‘kidnapped’ me to go out and hang with everyone. Not really lots of complaints down below but I do talk about the nothing that happened. This blog’s a fuckin diary okay.

It was nice going out, we went to the city and went to some cool stores but liek,,, I really didn’t have a good time. I was with my other friend, not the 😬 friend, but the mutual friend who i planned to also cut off things off so they weren’t caught in the middle of everything. It was other friend and their sister, and then mutual friend who is 😬 friend’s roommate. It was 😬 friend’s idea and they had slept through the ‘kidnapping’ part of it, missed hanging out in the city for like 4 hours, and then we were only together at their place for like 2 hours, if that.

So. Like. Didn’t have a great time. Like it wasn’t bad, but it definitely didn’t show me that I was missing out on anything. That I needed friends. For one I was just fucking tired, like for no reason, and I had a headache the entire time. And then we just did nothing which is fine I guess but I felt like I was doing nothing but wasting time. And the thing that like sucks that’s no one’s fault is how long it took do everything, like they kidnapped me, we drove an hour to pickup the roommate, and then spent another hour and a half driving to the location and wasting some time at just generic Target before getting to the cool part of the area (thrift shops, bars, antique shops). And the cool part wasn’t so cool because we just went to the same two shops and everythings expensive as fuck - we did go to a cool place called the rabbit hole and I bought some things but otherwise it just felt like we were wasting time but not in the fun way. The entire time I had a headache, and we didn’t really talk about anything important, and then we got the roommate and she just doesn’t know how to stop talking and like that didn’t make my headache better - like it was so bad I was being sensitive to lights and getting car sick... I didn’t say much bc I didn’t want to ruin people’s time. They did give me some aspirin that didn’t help. I tried downing coffee and an energy drink and I was still so fucking tired, like it most definitely effected the amount of fun I was having but like I don’t know if I felt bad bc no reason or bc I knew I was hanging out with them and didn’t want to.

But like, this entire thing was 😬 Friend’s idea and they didn’t show up. And I wanted to maybe talk to mutual friend about it but felt weird doing it in front of their sister - but even then I didn’t say shit to friend, I told the sister about it!!! And I think I did because I knew she wouldn’t say anything, like she didn’t disapprove or was like shocked or proud or nothing, she just absorbed it which I think was nice. I think I didn’t tell Friend 2 about it bc I knew they’d feel awkward or hurt, or feel like they have to walk on eggshells or smthing idk.

But I told the Sister, and she was cool about it and was even like hey we’ll have a signal when we wanna leave their apartment - we didn’t end up using it but yeah it was still nice of her to be like that. And like I told her when we were in a place where I knew we wouldn’t be alone for long, so like I knew she couldn’t console me. I feel only kinda bad like ‘putting this on her shoulders’ but its really not that major, I said it was a ‘secret’ and I don’t think she’ll tell friend 2, but I’m not bothered if she does. I’d be okay with that and I hope she doesn’t feel bad about keeping it.

At the apartment it felt weird seeing them again. Like they mostly acted like nothing happened, and just berated me saying to care about the people who care about me - and I’m like they don’t fucking care about me but yeah. I was pleasant, I didn’t say anything - I actually didn’t say anything to them at all. They were like bro wtf and again doing the general like hey don’t be a piece of shit and don’t contact people, and I just :I and nodded - fuck I barely made eye contact with them. They hugged me coming and going and it felt bad and wrong. They have no clue how I feel and how hurt I was and am, and I don’t think they’ll ever understand. They updated me on like their family issues  and then was like yeah man you missed out on dnd - I didn’t tell them but again was like bro I don’t give a flying fuck about dnd, I’m done, I fucking quit, you and your friends are too fucking much. I gave them as much of a cold shoulder as I could without making the entire social setting weird. Again. No one noticed anything.

My birthday and halloween are coming up soon and it’s my favorite holiday and it’s friend’s 2 favorite holiday and we always always always throw a party that turns into my birthday party, my birthday is nov 1 - we haven’t talked anything about plans - but I think that’s because previously I invited them over to my sister’s house where we’d watch movies and dress up and drink with their big projector screen. I’m dreading any of them bringing that up. Again they have no fucking clue about anything. And I know my sister knows about what the plan was, about the party that was gonna happen, hell she was just as excited as us, and I don’t want to tell her about what’s going on. I don’t want to have to say yeahhhh, that thing you were excited about cancel it bc im being a bitch baby with my friends and trying to cut them off. And even then, if they try and do their own party and invite me, I don’t think I couldn’t go; like I think they’d find that suspicious as fuck AND try and kidnap me again. I mean Ima try in all my power to not go, but this will be what finally ‘rocks the boat’ I think. Frankly I’m just hoping no one says anything and forgets about it, I was generally the one making the plans for it so fingers crossed.

I thought I could maybe try and stay friends with friend 2 after the outing but they’re sooo much friends with Them and Roommate that I’d have to tolerate spending time with them and I don’t think that’d be fun for anyone. I don’t think I should have to put myself through that, I’m sick of compromising for everyone. I really really like friend 2 and their friendship and want to stay in their life but I don’t want to suffer and I don’t want them to feel bad for being caught in the middle whatsoever. Like I’m sooo tempted to just going back and being friends, but I’m tired. I’ve read my old posts, I remember my feelings and how hurt i’ve been - and I have changed and they’ve changed, but that doesn’t make that time invalid and doesn’t make the most recent shit invalid, like they’ve still be hurting me all this time - I’ve spent years hurting and I’m finally putting my foot down and refusing to be hurt. I don’t want to go back to bending over backwards and taking the high ground, I’m sick of it. It’s been a toxic ass relationship, and I no longer feel ‘guilty’ for not being their friend and confidant, they have roommate now and a home and a place, and other people who love them. They’ll be okay without me and I’ll be better without them.