#but by god is it disheartening to know that she also stayed for us

[ruthlesslistener]

Ngl something that really pisses me off about the way that Tumblr deals with mental health is the fact that there's this seeming disconnect between trying to be inclusive of mental/personality disorders without acknowledging the grotesque, uncomfortable nature of some of them (OCD intrusive thoughts, for example, esp. if they're POCD) and the fact that others are, in fact, the root cause for a lot of actual abuse

Like, I've been hearing a lot from my mom about how my dad is a narcissist and an abuser bc of it (she's only just now realizing how awful he is after starting therapy, and her therapist is who told her what I've been trying for years), but I'm uncomfortable talking about that because as soon as I rant on it on my own damn blog, people will jump at my throat to snarl at me about how narissistic abuse isn't real or w/ever. Hell, even hearing my mom TALK about her experiences in that light makes me feel nervous/uncomfortable bc I knew if she said that shit on here she'd get piled with hate asks for her not using the 'correct' language, even though she basically flat-out admitted that the only reason me or my siblings existed was through coercion/marital rape when she was drinking. That shit's been haunting me ever since she said it bc I genuinely did not know that it was that bad (though I should have, bc he used to be very phsyically abusive to us before my brother was born), but I knew if I said anything about my discomfort for it til now that people would get mad at me for calling my dad a narcissist, even though that is the root of his behavior and this is my own damn blog for posting these sorts of thoughts/musings. Like, cool! Here's my mom gushing to me about how grateful she is that I'm the reason she figured out she needed help, and I'm sitting here feeling some kind of fucked-up queasy fear-guilt bc she's using wording that would get her cancelled on tumblr even as it contextualizes 30+ years of abuse in a manner that is accurate, easily digestible, and assisting her in getting aid. That's not helpful. But the obsession with 'proper inclusive language' over 'respectful conduct' takes priority over actual help

I don't think all people with NPD are automatically abusers, because I know myself just how easy it is to be an abusive, manipulative asshole. It's really only bc I grew up detesting my father so much that I'm not a piece of shit, honestly. People should be judged based on how they treat the people around them, not how they actually feel or think about it. But at the same time, saying narcissistic abuse doesn't exist is just plain falsehood. No personality disorder is automatically abusive, but many of them are the source of very particular abuses, and claiming otherwise is not helpful to the people trying to be better than their brain, nor to the people who got harmed by those who never bothered to try

[corroded-hellfire]

Prompt Day 19: In the Garage

Word Count: 977

Rating: T

Pairing: Eddie x Reader

CW: Language

Summary: Eddie gets a nice surprise at work when you come in with a car problem.

Thank you to my darling @munson-blurbs for helping me when my mind was blank ❣

@corrodedcoffinfest

Eddie always stays in the bay with the cars when he’s at work. The only reason he would go into the office portion of the garage is to clock in, clock out, or use the bathroom. Yeah, he had been trained on how to do intake at the front desk when customers come in with car issues, but why would he want to do that? Why stand in the same spot for hours, listening to the boring smooth jazz coming from the speakers, and talk to people about their car issues?

When people try to mimic the noise their car is making, he can never decide if he wants to laugh or grit his teeth so hard that his jaw shatters. That would at least get him out of the conversation. 

The whole reason Eddie became a mechanic is because he’s good with cars. People, not so much. Give him a torque wrench and a spark plug gapper and he’s good to go. 

But one day, Eddie decides he really wants to work inside, behind the counter.

Eddie closes the hood of the jeep he was just working on and pulls the red rag hanging over his shoulder down so he can wipe some of the grime and grease off them. It’s impossible to get it all.

Music is playing on an old radio shoved into the corner of a workbench. Over the pounding bass, Eddie hears a car door slam in the parking lot and his head turns in that direction. Through the open bay doors Eddie sees the most beautiful girl he’s ever laid eyes on. 

“Whoa,” he mutters under his breath. 

His dark eyes follow as she walks across the parking lot, towards the front door inside.

Eddie practically hops over a Subaru as he rushes to the door that will lead him into the same space as the beautiful woman. 

There’s already someone working the front counter as Eddie gets there, the beautiful woman headed their way.

“Brian, go ahead and take a break. I’ve got this,” Eddie mumbles to his coworker. 

Brian, in his late fifties, only has to look up from the desk to understand why Eddie is trying to usher him out of the way. He chuckles and steps back, allowing Eddie into the space.

“Good luck, son. Let me know when my impromptu break is over.”

Eddie nods, eyes widening in an attempt to tell Brian to get the fuck out of here. Luckily, he slips into the back just as you approach the counter.

“Hey,” Eddie says before mentally cursing himself out. Hey? That’s all I’ve got? God damn it, Munson, pull it together. 

He’d gone into fight or flight mode when it came to being the one to assist you and not given one damn thought about what to say to you.

“Hi,” you respond with a smile that almost makes Eddie’s knees buckle. 

“So, uh, what can I do for you?” Eddie asks. He certainly means that in more ways than one.

“My engine temperature gauge is all the way on hot,” you explain, hooking a thumb over your shoulder, in the direction of your car. 

Your car isn’t the only thing that’s hot, Eddie thinks. 

“Yeah, that’s no problem,” Eddie says. “I can take a look at that for you.”

His mind scrambles for a reason to ask for your name and phone number—when he remembers that’s his role right now, to get your information. Unfortunately, that would make him seem like an absolute creep, not to mention unprofessional, to use your intake form to hit on you. Asking you out would probably also venture into unprofessional territory. The thought disheartens him before a potential loophole springs to mind. When you come to pick up your car, you technically wouldn’t be a customer anymore. That should also give him a few hours to come up with something cleverer to say than, “Hey.”

“Alright, we’ll give you a call when it’s done,” Eddie says.

“Thanks.”

You turn to leave, and Eddie is caught between being sad you’re going away and enjoying the view as you head towards the door. But you stop before you get there and step over to a bulletin board hung above a drinking fountain. 

Eddie sees you looking over a flier for his upcoming Corroded Coffin show at a new bar and he perks up in excitement. 

“That’s a great band,” Eddie says.

“Yeah?” You turn your head to look at him in question.

“Oh, yeah. The lead singer is great. I mean, really amazing. He also plays lead guitar. Not to mention the great hair he has.”

Eddie does his best to keep a straight face and leans forward, resting his forearms on the counter. An amused smile quirks your lips as you slip your hands into your back pockets. 

“Huh. And is he maybe a mechanic during the day?” you ask. 

Now he can’t hold the smile back any longer. He ducks his head and licks over his lips, seeing if he can school his face back into neutrality, but it’s in vain. With a shrug of his shoulders, he looks back up and meets your eyes.

“He might be.”

“Hmm,” you hum thoughtfully. “Then I agree. He does have a good head of hair.”

Eddie’s smile beams even wider. When’s the last time he’s been this happy at work?

“You should swing by. Check out the show,” he offers.

You pretend to consider it, tilting your head from side to side as if you’re thinking it over. 

“I think I’m free that night,” you say. “And since this lead singer is so good, I guess I’ll check him out. Them. Uh, I’ll check them out.”

Eddie didn’t think he could smile any wider than he already was, but your slip-up does the trick. 

“He looks forward to it.”

[rowretro]

𝓜𝔂 𝓵𝓸𝓿𝓮

✧warnings: drug addiction, alcohol, angst, heartbreak, somewhat suicide(?)

❁synopsis: read to find out

✧❁✧❁✧❁✧❁✧❁✧❁✧❁✧❁✧❁✧❁✧❁✧❁✧

They always warn us in movies that the usage of cigarettes and alcohol will have a harshly negative impact on our health.... but never warned us that Love will have such a painful impact on our lives. Y/n sat there, looking down at the glistening depths of the water, ashes from her roll up disappearing as they fell. All she had was a crush, on who seemed to be a sweet boy. but no. She lost a friend whom she thought was trustworthy, and her only chance to be happy.

Is it too much to ask for to be in love? to have a small crush that could possibly blossom into something beautiful? She knows she must move on. But it hurts, her heart is aching, her tears never stop, she's mad, she's sad. All because of a boy. Her eyes darted to the moon, above her. Taking a swing of her Jack Daniels, she cursed god for her existence. There, where hope, love, happiness and so many sweet feelings were, was replaced by pain, sadness, grief. That painful feeling of emptiness that only drugs could fill the space of.

Not too far off, was a very handsome man, He sworn to never fall in love again. The girl he trusted with his love, vulnerability and trust, left him hurt and humiliated. She was showing interest, leading him on, just to humiliate him in front of the whole school. Mad, he smashed his cherry Soda bottle, making poor y/n flinch. "Sorry..." he trailed off, a little guilty, as he lit up a cigarette. The girl just nodded, taking more heavy swigs of her JD.

"Love hurt you too?" He suddenly asked, as he sat beside the girl, new cigarette in his mouth. "hmm." she simply said, too high to function. "Same... u got a lighter?" he asked again as Y/n pulled one out of her pocket and handed it to him. The male lit his cigarette as he stared at her. She looked exhausted, way more worse than him. "he' not worth it." he simply said, eyes wanderring off into a distance as he regretted his attempt at comforting a stranger.

It would be weird if they were complete strangers, but he knows her, she's in his class. The girl who was always smiling, buying sweets for her crush, and snacks for everyone in the class because she was just like that. It was kind of disheartening to see her so... hurt. "You... Riki?" she asked as he nodded. She remembers him as the handsome cool boy who has a great taste in style, heck she would've fallen for him if it wasn't for her crush being a seemingly sweet guy.

"And you're a god person. Someone who can do way better than... whoever the guy is" he smiled as y/n also tried to force a smile. "It hurts now but it'll get better I swear... also drinking too much is really bad for you- plus we have school tomorrow... right sorry- not my place to say anything- I'll leave you be-" he said as he got up.

"Wait... stay-" she said. She didn't know why, or what got over her... but she needed the comfort of someone's presence. Riki silently sat beside her, letting her head rest against his shoulder, as they stared off into a distance... a constellation of stars, decorating the night sky, a passer-by would assume they were a sweet, young couple.

[ninapi]

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- ̥۪͙۪˚┊❛ First Born❜ (Halloween Special)┊˚ ̥۪͙۪◌

Premise: Being an older brother once more was beyond exhilarating for Choso, he never expected though to find love by his little brother's side, his pretty and kind childhood friend bringing a softness into his life he didn't know it was possible one Halloween night.

Word Count: 3243

Note: this is a Semi AU, meaning the characters are who they are in the series, yet the timeline doesn’t match the original story.

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Choso has been a big brother since he can remember, that’s his number one trait and the one he is more proud of in general.

Therefore, loosing his two younger brothers continues to sting to this day.

Gaining a ‘new brother’ or finding a ‘lost brother’ which ever you wanna call it, gave him a new sense of purpose, a new reason to live and continue growing as a person.

His number one flaw though, was how unemotional he was. 

To Yuuji, Choso was embarrassing. 

He never gets the jokes, more like he can’t even laugh on his own like if his face muscles were forever stiff, a spoon could get social cues better than him; he says the most embarrassing things at the worst timing too and this brings us to this moment.

Yuuji had been flirting with the girl that worked a part time at the donut shop close by for about a month. He would always stop by and buy even if it was just one donut to munch on his way to school just so he could see her smile for a couple of minutes; he even went as far as to ask for her number last time he was there; though today, Choso tagged along and was currently glaring at said beauty for getting ‘too close’ to his brother. “What is it that you want woman? I won’t let you get your smitten paws over my little brother, you hear me? You won’t ever understand how precious he is, must be protected at all cost.”

“Oh my god…just what do you think you’re doing?? Ruining my life?? Didn’t I tell you to stay outside with Fushiguro??” 

“Itadori-kun, I think your brother is right, I don’t think I can handle such a precious boy….” the girl couldn’t hold her laugh any longer, same thing as her co-workers who witnessed the scene.

“That’s it. I’m never taking you out again. Do you know how long I’ve been trying to get her to even look at me??” Yuuji was so disheartened, he opted to sit down on the sidewalk, contemplating the meaning of life while hating on his new older brother.

“I…I was just trying to-“ 

“I know, I know…just trying to be a good older brother…But have you stopped for a second and think that maybe not everyone wants to hurt me? I’m strong enough to defend myself, a pretty little thing like her wouldn’t even dream of hurting anything but my heart…” he sniffs dramatically, burying his face on his hands.

“You can die immediately if someone hurts your heart, idiot…”

This was the last drop of patience within him, “NOT literally, OK? I don’t mean my internal organ, I mean the feelings side of the heart!!”

“That’s not in your heart but your brain. You can also die if someone hurts you there-“

“Just stop talking!!!” Megumi and Nobara were both laughing their asses off at their banter, truth is Nobara saw the girl flirt with at least four different guys in just a week, she had been trying to warn her friend about her, so it was actually a good thing having dense Choso around to break the spell she had on him; that didn’t make it any less funny though.

“Itadori don’t be so hard on him, he’s pouting again.”

“I am not doing such thing-“

“Yes you are, man…” Megumi let out a deep sigh, walking on the opposite direction wanting nothing to do with the loud display of idiocy in front of him.

“Hey Fushiguro! Where are you going? We still need to discuss our plans for the party!” Yuuji yelled after him a little too loud, causing Megumi to flinch and return just to shut him up. “There’s nothing to discuss…Just be there around 9PM, you have to wear a costume or they won’t let you in, those are the rules.”

“Did you choose one already? I never pegged you for someone who’d like halloween parties~” giggling, Nobara elbowed Yuuji on the ribs wanting him to team up with her to tease their friend.

“I bet he’ll wear something ridiculous, like one of those giant carrot costumes.” bursting out laughing, both held each other from collapsing on the ground imagining carrotgumi.

“For your information, I will go as a vampire…I found dubious objects in a closet in Gojo-sensei’s, I mean back in the house…so I brought them with me for this party. Not like I want to go or anything but Maki-san threaten to shave my head in my sleep if I didn’t go…”

“Bald carrotgumi….” after one more outburst of intense laughter, the team bullying ended for the best. “I need a costume, would you go buy one with me, Kugisaki?”

All this time Choso has been quietly observing the entire thing. He knows his brother literally just said he wouldn’t take him out with him ever again, but he really wanted to prove him he could do better, that he wasn’t an embarrassment and that he was the best older brother there was to have, this was his chance. “Guys…do you think…do you think I can come with you…?” 

“No, never, non, forget about it.”

“B-but…”

“Listen, you just ruined my life! How do you even think I would take you with me again?”

“Poor guy, just let him come, Itadori…he always brings the funniest of conversations out. I like him.” Choso perked up a little at the support he was getting, even if he knew all she wanted was to mock his brother, at least someone wanted him there.

“Oh c’mon….What if he ruins it again?” 

“Just leave (Y/N) in baby sitting duty. She likes lost causes…” shrugging she started making her way to the costume shop, both of them tagging along.

“(Y/N)? I mean yes she does take recycling to an intense level and saves stray cats, but this is…this is something else, Kugisaki…” Choso’s lip was quivering once more, not wanting to face rejection for a third time on the same day by the person he wishes to please the most.

“Ok then how about we do this…” leaning close to Yuuji’s ear she whispers her plan with the most mischievous grin anyone has ever seen in their lives. To this Yuuji laughs for what feels like hours, having to stop in his tracks to wipe his tears away and calm down. “Ok, ok let’s ask him…” going over to his older brother, Yuuji bats his eyelashes prettily up at him, “Nii-chan…you can go…if you go dressed as the carrot Fushiguro isn’t wearing…”

Choso just nodded eagerly, not fully understanding what he was getting himself into. 

“Also, I won’t let you follow me around, I wanna get a girl in my bed by tonight, and you can’t stop me. I’ll ask my best friend to look after you. Understood?” this definitely wasn’t what he wanted. He wanted bonding time with his brother, have a nice time, maybe drink one of those beers he introduced him to the other day, not having to stay behind away from the fun dressed as a commonly disliked vegetable…but it was the chance he was looking for to prove he could behave.

“Is that a yes? Or-?”

“Yes, I will go.” Nobara was on her phone browsing for carrot costumes, not long after running on her way to the shop.

This would be a long night..

══✿══╡°˖✧✿✧˖°╞══✿══

The night was young, every known sorcerer and their friends and family were invited to this party.

Yuuji chose to dress as werewolf, while Nobara went dressed as a sexy nurse.

Choso though…let’s just say the carrot outfit didn’t suit him that well…

Wanting to get rid of him as soon as possible, Yuuji stopped you right at the entrance with a big grin plastered on his face. “(Y/N) my darling! My bestie! The light that shines above us…!”

“What do you want now-“ he was being too obvious, he only acts this way when he wants either money or nasty favors.

“Have you met my brother yet?”

“Your what-? I’ve lived next door my entire life and I’ve never seen a brother of yours-“ covering your mouth almost instantly, he glared at you, trying to get you to play along.

“O-oh…yes your brother! You told me about him the other day. No, I haven’t had the pleasure to meet him yet!” smiling on his direction, you walked over to him, taking both of his hands in yours.

“Hi! I’m (Y/N), it’s nice to finally meet you! By the way, what an adorable outfit you brought today! I wish I knew about them before, then we could have been two carrots instead of just one!” giggling at how good you were handling his worst nightmare, Yuuji sneaks away without you noticing; thing is, not only did you not notice, but neither did Choso, and that had never happen before.

“They also had tomatoes and an eggplant, but that one was too little, it would probably fit you though.” He nodded in thought, unable to figure out why the thought of you dressed like a tiny eggplant sounded so appealing. Was this why his brother wanted him to be a carrot? Did he actually look cute?

“I would have loved to be an eggplant! We could take a bunch of pictures, probably even win the costume contest!” your soft laughter brought a smile to his face, he’s never been treated this nicely before.

“What are you supposed to be though?” he eyed you from head to toe, making you blush. “I’m Godzilla~” you posed, letting out a cute little roar, his heart skipped a beat, cuteness has never been his thing but he could see the appeal of it now.

“I apologize, I do not know what that is, but it’s certainly cuter than an eggplant. They don’t make sounds...” his comment made you giggle giddily, why did Yuuji dislike him this much? He’s such a sweetheart…

“Hmm Godzilla is…a monster…he destroys cities and kicks buildings.” you tried your best to imitate it properly, earning a smile from him once more, making you feel accomplished.

“So like a curse? I’m half curse-” he looked at you with his eyes wide opened in realization.

“Nah, more like a cute big animal lost in a city full of ants.” he nods at this, before pointing to a table by the door. “They had animal shaped cookies in a bowl over there.” he didn’t know why but he felt the need to make you smile some more, to make you feel comfortable in his presence unlike the rest of his brother’s friends and seemed like you liked animals enough to dress like one.

“Do they? I bet they’re adorable. Would you like to eat some with me?” the way your eyes twinkled at this little piece of information made his stomach feel hollow, but it wasn’t a bad feeling, he kind of wanted to feel more of this, so he went over the table and poked all the cookies from the bowl until he was sure he’s gotten at least one of every single animal available in it. 

Megumi, who was sitting at the top of the stairs hiding from a drunk panda who was trying to get him to kiss his cousin, saw the entire scene unfold, and decided to intervene before Itadori ruined his moment if he caught him. “Choso…stop touching all the food just grab a handful she’ll like it anyways, trust me.” to his advice he nodded gratefully, making sure to grab some drinks as well.

“Here, I couldn’t find the elephant, I was sure I saw one when I went by that table earlier, apologies for not getting you the complete set. I got you some melon soda though, I hope you like it.” the back of his neck felt hot, he continued wondering why he wanted to please you this bad, is not like you were his little sister, not like he wanted you to be his sister- he wouldn’t be able to last a day before dying of cuteness overload.

“Don’t worry! I’m sure Mr.elephant found a nice home in someone else’s belly.” chuckling you grabbed a little bear cookie and pressed it to his lips, “Try it! It’s yumyum~” you danced happily at the taste, wanting to share the joy a good high quality cookie can bring to someone’s life.

To this he just gave out a short nod, getting the entire cookie into his mouth. This was all so new to him, was this why his brother kept insisting in taking a girl to his bed?

What would they even do there?

He would like to take you to his and eat elephant shaped cookies, maybe even talk a little, or watch a movie, he’s been really into them since his brother introduced him to horror films.

“Hey (Y/N) would you like to go to my room? It’s a bit far but we could walk there-“ before he could continue his sentence, a shoe came flying straight to his face, Megumi coming to pull him to the side, “I’m borrowing him for just a second (L/N), be right back.” 

He took Choso outside, away from prying eyes, a deep scowl on his face, “What on earth are you doing? You spend too much time with Itadori, he’s rubbing on you…”

“I thought you’re supposed to take nice girls to your bed…”

“I..ugh..WhAT? Who told you that? Never mind don’t answer…” letting out a long sigh he plops down on a bench prompting Choso to the same. “Look, man…it is true I guess, though the order is wrong. Remember how your brother talked to the same girl for months just to get her to like him?” nodding his head he was taking mental notes, Megumi rarely took his time to teach him anything, this must not go to waste.

“When you think a girl is nice or cute, pretty even. When she’s nice to you as well and you feel like you want more of her…” his nodding intensified, it was as if he was reading his mind, describing just how he was feeling that same moment.

“You have to treat her right, make nice things for her, be patient, don’t do anything impulsive. Girls are more delicate, you can’t be rough with them. Got it?”

“I knew it. I should have looked for that elephant cookie some more…” 

A rare smile appeared on Megumi’s face, Choso has been nothing but a pain to them when it doesn’t come to fighting, but he’s never seen this soft side of him, or maybe he had, just that Itadori always shuts him down unlike you.

“Yeah well, maybe next time you can buy her a bag, I’m sure the elephant will be there.” his eyes opened widely, he hadn’t thought about that, fantastic idea.

“You’re a great guy, Fushiguro, I appreciate your advise. I can be your older brother too, if you ever need one...” with a small smile on his face, Megumi walked away back to his room, he'd have enough of this party already.

“Go back to her, before someone steals her away~” running back inside, his heart came back to his body when he saw you patiently waiting for him inside, fidgeting with your fingers.

“I have returned. Fushiguro just told me we can find the elephant cookie if I get you a new pack of cookies. Would you like to go buy one with me?”

“Right now?” that smile of yours will end up causing him heart failure, he was sure of that now.

“Or later, when you have time, if you want that is…we can also go back for the eggplant dress, if you’re tired of being Godzilla.” It was pretty obvious to you by now that he was trying to get you out of this party, you weren’t what others would call a 'party animal’, you only went because your best friend called you over; the same best friend who’s been flirting with every single girl in the room and has not addressed you for the longest time.

“I think they sell them in the supermarket down the street, lets go~!” pulling him by his hand, you both walked in silence as none of you knew what to say.

“So, how is Yuuji as a younger brother? If he’s mean to you tell me, I will kick his ass…” you knew your bestie, he could be really sweet as much as he can be a real ass when he wants to be.

“He’s great. I wish we could get along better though…but it’s hard to know what he wants. I wished everyone would be happy with animal cookies…”

“I think it’s easy getting along with you though. You’re sweet and gentle, funny too.” Choso has never been complimented before, not like this at least…was this what his brother called ‘flirting’?

“I…well I think you are all those things too…nobody has ever treated me this nice before…” his comment managed to sadden you more than anything, stopping you on your tracks to place a hand on his cheek gently.

“Then how about we see each other some more? I need you to see how special you are.” your smile was so bright, so comforting…his chest ached but in a pleasant way, he kind of wanted to rip his own heart out just to see the chemical reaction occurring within his body in this very second, his blood even felt more powerful, he could kill Gojo Satoru right now, he was sure of it. But all he wanted was to count cookies with you while looking at the night sky.

“Can we? See each other again? I mean after the cookies...?”

“Of course! Lets do all sorts of things together! Have you ever been to a theme park? Maybe I can get the eggplant costume and we could both go dressed as vegetables, that’d be fun!” your arm wrapped around his as you walked towards the supermarket.

“I’ve never been to one, no.”

“Then we totally have to go! We could play some video games too! Oh and we definitely need to go to that new crepe place down town, I heard you need a reservation and all!”

“Why do you want to go with me to all those places?” he was honestly confused, he’s been facing so much rejection that this fuzzy feeling in his chest was starting to cause some concern.

“That’s what friends do, right? Besides, I think you’re really cute…maybe…we could…you know…one of those days we go out…only if you’d like of course…we could maybe say it’s a date?” you smiled nervously up at him, he’s never seen such beauty in his entire life, not even the drawing his little brother made for him when they were little was this pretty. “I would like that very much…”

Being the first born of four brothers had its benefits as much as it has its flaws, but tonight he was sure of one thing, he was glad of getting in his little brothers nerves enough to get him to dump him with the cutest girl his eyes had ever lay on.

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Masterlist

[anonymousewrites]

Portal to My Heart (Book 3) Chapter One

Loki x Reader

Chapter One: To the TVA

Summary: (Y/N) and Loki arrive at the TVA, but their bodies keep distorting.

Mouse Note: Welcome back to Portal to My Heart! I know I've been looking forward to sharing this story for a long time, ever since the first episode of LOKI Season 2 came out. I know that for me this is going to be emotional since I love Loki and have been a fan of his character since I discovered Marvel. I am very happy with how this story turned out, and I'm so excited to show you all. So, please enjoy and comment your thoughts so I can interact and freak out with fellow fans (it also makes me want to keep posting haha). And thank you all for supporting me so far. You're the best and make writing worth it!

Previously…

            (Y/N) landed roughly next to where Loki was sitting, disheartened, in a TVA interrogation room. She cried out as her wound ached from hitting the ground.

            “(Y/N)!” Loki’s eyes widened in horror, and he rushed to her side, holding her tight against him. “Gods…did Sylvie do this to you?”

            “It was an accident,” coughed (Y/N). “But shit, it hurts.”

            “Someone!” cried Loki. “I need someone!” Cursing as no one came in, he lifted (Y/N) up and set out in search of help. “Keep your eyes open, everything’s going to be all right.” Loki brightened in relief as he saw Mobius, free of any bonds, speaking hurriedly to B-15.

            “Sixty-three new branches in this unit alone? Does he want us to just them all branch?” said Mobius to B-15.

            “Mobius!” shouted Loki, slowing to a stop. “We made a terrible mistake, and now everything’s gone wrong and (Y/N)’s hurt!”

            “What?” asked Mobius. His eyes widened as he saw the bleeding woman in Loki’s arms.

            “Freed the timeline, found the bastard, war…need to prepare…” murmured (Y/N), dizzy from blood loss.

            “I don’t know what happened to you analysts—” (Y/N) and Loki looked at him in confusion and alarm “—but we need to you to a medic, now!” Mobius flipped open his Tempad and called medics. “Now, who are you guys?”

            “What…?” breathed Loki.

            “We need boots on the ground, stat,” said B-15.

            Loki just sank to floor and held (Y/N) close as he realized they had really messed up. They could both see the statue looming over them on the elevator, not of the Time-Keepers, but of He-Who-Remains. Everything had gone wrong, and now they were in an even bigger mess. Loki took a deep, shuddering breath as he waited for the medics to arrive.

            “Please don’t leave me…” he whispered. “I need you here. You were right about everything. Please stay.” “It’s a pity she won’t live as long as you.” Loki’s heart clenched at the reminder of (Y/N)’s mortality. “You can’t die today, (Y/N). You can’t…because I love you.”

l

            “Hey, we’ve got a medic!” called Mobius, running back towards Loki with B-15 and a medic at his side.

            Loki stood and picked up (Y/N). No, no, he needed to protect them. This Mobius didn’t know them. If this was some other reality or something, he couldn’t trust them to heal her. He needed to escape, get somewhere where he could help (Y/N) and make sure they recovered.

            “Hey, where are you going?” asked Mobius.

            B-15’s eyes narrowed, and she glared at them. “They’re not analysts. They’re variants.”

            That settled it. Loki ran, holding (Y/N) tightly to him.

            ���Wait!” shouted Mobius, running after him.

            Loki ignored him and ran. B-15 ran in front of him with Minutemen behind her.

            “Hold it right there, Variant!” shouted B-15.

            “Mobius, it’s me. I’m not a variant. Well, I am, a little, but we’re friends, we know each other,” pleaded Loki.

            “I don’t know you,” said Mobius. Around Loki, the Minutemen grabbed their pruning sticks.

            Loki did the only thing he could and threw himself out the window. He held (Y/N) tight as they fell and wished that he had his magic to make sure they were protected. They hit a truck hard, and Loki and (Y/N) groaned. His heart jumped in his chest. They were barely responsive, but they were still there.

            Maybe…Maybe their abilities will let them survive. Loki dearly wished that was true, but even if it was, in the TVA, there was no magic. There was no way for them to survive even if there was a chance.

            The driver screamed and panicked upon seeing them. The truck hit the side of a building, crashing through a window. Loki and (Y/N) were thrown from the back of the truck, and Loki tucked (Y/N) into his chest so he hit the ground harder than them.

            Loki grunted and stood up, holding (Y/N) up. They were struggling to keep their eyes open. It was clear that they had no idea what was happening as their blood loss got to their head. It was partly a relief since that meant his confession wouldn’t be remembered. Loki had spoken in the that of the moment, but now was not the time to be dealing with that, as much as he wanted to. (Also, Loki was awkward and a bit nervous).

            “We’re fine. We’re fine,” muttered Loki as TVA workers stared at them. Behind him, the truck tipped back out the window. Everyone watched in horror as it fell to the ground below and landed with an echoing crash. Loki coughed. “She’ll be fine.”

            The TVA timeline display landed on the ground and cracked it. The people gasped. Loki panted in exhaustion and looked down at (Y/N)’s nearly unconscious form.

            “Level five intruders,” announced the PA system. “They’ve hopped into a mail cart and descended to the lower level.”

            “Casey,” breathed Loki in relief as one man drew closer.

            “Have we met each other?” asked Casey in confusion.

            “Casey, help us. Please, tell me you know what’s going on,” said Loki. “Don’t you remember us?”

            “I got them! I got the intruders!” said Casey nervously into his communicator. “I got the intruders!”

            Loki’s eyes widened, and he backed up worriedly. And then his entire body distorted. (Y/N) groaned and winced as her already exhausted body glitched alongside him.

            They disappeared from the room with Casey and reappeared in another room of the TVA. Loki looked around himself in confused and checked on (Y/N), making sure nothing bad had happened to her when they distorted. To his dismay, it was clear the energy going to keeping her alive was getting exhausted by the glitching.

            “Loki. (Y/N).”

            Loki looked up in relief to find himself in the same room, just decorated differently, and Casey looking down at them.

            “What? Just a second ago, you didn’t know us,” said Loki in confusion. “Casey. Casey. Casey, something terrible is happening.” He pulled (Y/N) closer. “Please.” He trailed off when he noticed a crack on the floor from where he had just seen the TV display fall. Only now it was hanging up again. “Has…Has that always been there?”

            “The crack? It’s been there as long as I can remember,” said Casey.

            Was it possible that time had passed? When Loki and (Y/N) glitched? But that was impossible. And yet…

            “We were in the past,” breathed Loki in realization. He shook his head. “No, no, it doesn’t matter now. Please, Casey. (Y/N) needs help.”

            Casey nodded shakily and ran to call someone.

            Loki sank to his knees in relief and held them close. “Don’t worry, darling. You’ll be alright. I’ve got you.” Before he could rest, though, they distorted again.

            They landed in front of Casey, and Loki stumbled, holding (Y/N). He nearly cursed but just looked to Casey. “Casey, where is Mobius?”

            “He’s…in the War Room,” said Casey, staring at Loki and (Y/N), bloody and tired.

            Loki stumbled to the War Room and kicked the door open. No one was in there, and he groaned. In his arms, (Y/N)’s heads lolled and hit his chest. Her consciousness was completely gone. That meant her life was really in danger. He needed to find Mobius.

            Loki stared at the carvings of He Who Remains on the wall of the War Room and felt anger course through him. HWR was still haunting him.

            And then he and (Y/N) glitched, and he nearly collapsed as he appeared back in the War Room. This time, Mobius, B-15, and several other TVA members were staring at them. He grunted in pain.

            “Loki? (Y/N)?” said Mobius, eyes widening as he saw their states.

            “Mobius! You know us!” cried Loki.

            “Where the hell were you two?” asked Mobius worriedly.

            “Help us,” said Loki, pulling (Y/N)’s body closer to him. “Please. A moment ago, you didn’t know us. Tell me you know who we are.” Behind them, a Minuteman went to attack, and B-15 blocked him.

            “Yes, yes,” assured Mobius.

            “Everyone, stand down!” shouted the general of the TVA, Dox.

            “Please, Mobius, we found him, but (Y/N)’s hurt, and we keep disappearing, please, she’s dying, please help her—” Loki’s rambles continued.

            “Hey, hey, who did you find?” asked Mobius in confusion.

            “Him.” Loki looked at the wall where the carvings of HWR had been a moment before. He handed (Y/N) to Mobius, who was startled but held them, and grabbed the pruning stick from the Minuteman.

            “Loki?” asked Mobius, glancing down in horror at (Y/N)’s bleeding stab wound.

            “Get back!” said Loki when the hunter tried to attack. Then, he stabbed the stick into the wall, and the mosaic of the false Time-Keepers burned away to reveal HWR’s face carved into the wall. The truth of the TVA hidden just beneath the surface. “That’s who built this place!” shouted Loki. “That’s who stole your lives! That’s who’s coming back!” He stared at Mobius pleadingly. “Now, please, get (Y/N) help. Please.”

l

            “She’s going to be okay. The medics say the wound will scar, but otherwise, she’ll be alright,” said Mobius as Loki hovered at (Y/N)’s bedside.

            She still looked so still. Loki didn’t want to leave (Y/N) for a moment. He needed to watch over her, protect her, succeed where he’d failed.

            “Loki. We need to talk about what happened,” said Mobius.

            “I need to make sure she’s alright,” said Loki fiercely.

            “Okay, okay,” said Mobius. He sat down next to Loki. “We’ll talk here. That way you know how she’s doing.”

            Loki nodded shakily. “Right. Right.”

            “So what happened? The last thing I knew, you guys were going to face the cloud monster,” said Mobius in concern.

            “Alioth?” said Loki. He shook his head. “Alioth was a distraction. He was a guard dog. We found him. A Citadel at the End of Time.”

            “But where’s Sylvie?” asked Mobius.

            Loki’s eyes narrowed. “I don’t know. She’s still there. She…She stabbed (Y/N) trying to kill He Who Remains. She’s the reason she’s like this right now…We just wanted time to think, and Sylvie wouldn’t just stop, and now (Y/N)’s…” Loki was spiraling, and he slumped over. “It was an impossible choice, but she seemed so certain. How could she be given the circumstances?”

            “Okay, okay, slow down, Loki,” said Mobius calmingly. “You wanted time to think, so let’s think.”

            Loki took a deep breath and looked at Mobius. “Mobius, we got the man at the End of Time, and he made sense. We thought it was about freeing the Timeline, but that brings only more malevolence, more violence, more war. More of him. They’re coming. They’re all coming. ‘You came to kill the devil.’ ”

            “I don’t understand,” said Mobius.

            “Maybe he was,” murmured Loki. “But maybe he wasn’t. Sylvie was convinced he was. We fought, Mobius. She kicked me through a Time Door, and she and (Y/N) fought, and (Y/N) got hurt, and then Sylvie kicked her through, and…”

            “Well, I’d ask who won…” remarked Mobius.

            Loki huffed. “It was a draw.”

            “You all kicked each other through Time Doors simultaneously?” said Mobius.

            “No. (Y/N) and I were actively trying not to fight her,” said Loki. “That’s why (Y/N) was hurt…” He looked at her and reached out to her. He drew his hand back awkwardly. “She was trying to stop Sylvie. She was trying to kill him.”

            “Stop, relax,” said Mobius. “(Y/N) is going to be fine. She’s alright. Look, just calm down.”

            “I just wish I had tried harder,” said Loki ruefully. “I wish we’d had more time.”

            “Don’t do the coudlda-woulda-shoulda. Focus on what we know,” said Mobius.

            “War is on its way,” said Loki. “That’s what we know. I have no idea if he was right about everything because his variants are on their way! It was about preventing more of them! There was no simple choice, no other way.”

            “That’s who you showed us in the War Room?” asked Mobius.

            “He Who Remains,” said Loki, nodding. “This is his kingdom. And he says he keeps us safe, but how can you believe that? He built this place.”

            “No, how would I not remember that,” said Mobius. “How could he—”

            “He wiped your memories.”

            Loki’s head whipped to the cot where (Y/N)’s eyes were open and she was trying to sit up. Instantly, Loki was by her side and supported her. In relief, he saw that the wound was healing well due to the TVA’s technology.

            “You’re alright,” said Loki.

            (Y/N) smiled at him and covered his hand with her own as he helped her. “Of course. A stab isn’t going to keep me down.”

            “We’re glad you’re okay,” said Mobius, smiling.

            “Thanks,” she said, nodding. She frowned. “But what happened? Last thing I remember was falling through the Time door…”

            Loki stared at her. She didn’t remember. (Y/N) couldn’t recall his confession of love. The injury had been too much, and she had no idea what had happened. Part of Loki was disappointed since he couldn’t get her response, but the other part of him was thankful. He had no idea how to tell her again, how to deal with everything. (Y/N) was the person he loved, and he wasn’t sure how to tell her again, and with all the chaos going on, Loki was afraid of adding more to it.

            But he wanted to tell her. So, so badly.

            (Y/N) frowned and touched her chest. “And it felt like I was coming apart at the seams.”

            “We, uh, glitched?” said Loki. “I’m not entirely sure, either.”

            “Is that how you appeared in the War Room?” said Mobius in confusion.

            “Yes,” said Loki. “Well, partly. We were in the past.”

            “Don’t you mean the End of Time?” said Mobius.

            “No, we were in the War Room already,” said Loki.

            Mobius looked at (Y/N) in confusion, and she shrugged. “I believe Loki, but I was way too out of it to know what was happening.”

            Loki was once again torn from disappointment that he still didn’t know how she felt and relief that the chaos of feelings wasn’t involved in the difficult situation developing.

            “We were in the past,” reiterated Loki, shaking himself from his thoughts and looking at Mobius.

            “What do you mean in the past? Where?” said Mobius in confusion.

            “Here, in the TVA,” said Loki.

            “No, there is no past TVA,” said Mobius, shaking his head. “Time doesn’t work like that here.”

            “It does, it’s happening to us,” said Loki.

            “It’s impossible,” said Mobius.

            “It’s possible,” said Loki.

            “No, it’s not,” said Mobius.

            As if on cue, Loki and (Y/N)’s bodies distorted and came back together. They disappeared from the room, appeared in the same one but empty, and then popped out of existence again, reappearing in front of Mobius. (Y/N) groaned at the sensation. It was painful, but at least she wasn’t bleeding out.

            How skewed are my priorities that my cells rearranging is preferable to a stab wound? thought (Y/N). “See that? I think that confirms Loki’s story,” she muttered.

            “Uh, yeah, I saw it,” said Mobius.

            “Yeah? What does it…What does it look like?” asked Loki.

            “It looks…” Mobius grimaced. “I mean, how does it feel?”

            “It’s not that bad,” said Loki, lying.

            “I think my cells are getting spliced,” muttered (Y/N), brutally honest as ever.

            “I think (Y/N)’s assessment is better than yours,” said Mobius, looking between (Y/N) and Loki. “And we definitely need to get you help. Let me call Miss Minutes.”

            “No,” said (Y/N) and Loki sharply.

            “What?” asked Mobius.

            “You can’t trust her,” said (Y/N).

            “Are you sure?” said Mobius.

            “Pretty sure,” said (Y/N). “She was there with him at the End of Time.”

            “We still need to get your guys checked out,” said Mobius. “Yeah, let’s swing you by Repairs and Advancement. Come on.”

            “(Y/N) needs to rest,” said Loki instantly.

            “I’m fine,” said (Y/N), standing. “The tech did enough; it was just blood loss.”

            Loki hovered nervously. “Are you sure?”

            “Yes, Loki,” said (Y/N), glancing at him with a fond smile. She looked down at her torn shirt from the stab wound. “But, uh, I do want a new shirt.”

Taglist:

@alexpangender

@technikerin23

@kikster606

@neenieweenie

@h-l-vlovesvintage

@chronicallybubbly

[celticcatgirl2]

The blonde girl looked up into the sky tears and wiped the tears from her eyes. “Doomed in every timeline huh?” She said letting out a small chuckle that became a maniacal laugh. “No I don’t think so…”

she said…regaining her composure grabbing onto her sword and using it as a support to get off the cold hard ground. “I she looked up into the night sky a defiant look in her eyes “I am done being a plaything of the fates….I have learned enough hard lessons about myself and what I need and what I desire….”

The girl swung her sword and sheathed it onto her back “….but she’s different…she’s everything I’ve ever wanted everything I’ve ever needed…and she deserves someone who will stay by her side no matter what…and with my entirety of my being I want to be the one to make her smile the one to protect her heart…”

she spun her fingers and materialized and loaded two pistols “…and if I have to make war upon all the Gods and Fates of this world to be with her than so be it…”

the being who granted the girl her powers appeared behind her. although his form seemed to be that of a small and friendly creature his voice took on a tone that could shake the fears of nations that can make armies tremble but it did not shake the girl before him.

“Foolish girl…only demons defy fate…your future and hers are both written to try to change that is to become a monster and you should know well by now that the only thing monsters earn is a slaying from those who fight for this world’s Gods…”

the girl turned back and smirked

“…That’s fine…”

she said

“…better more heroic people than me have been deemed to be demons by those who presume to be in power if these invaders from beyond the stars who claim to be our Gods want to say I’m a Villainess or Devil it’s a role I am happy to play for them…but I will win because I fight for what no other monster you’ve deployed me against does…I fight for love….”

The creature dug its claws into the floor and boomed “selfish girl you just don’t want to be alone you fear facing oblivion with no one by your side…pathetic…many people do what makes you so much worthy than they?”

The girl twirled her pistols and put them in the holsters on the side of her skirt and looked at the creature her icy blue eyes staring into his firey red ones

“Perhaps on some level I am selfish but I also want nothing more than for her to be happy for her to feel that she is loved and valued by another that she is worthy of adoration and life…can your masters say the same? I’ve seen the ones she’s been fated to be with…how they’ve treated her…”

the girl began to glow with her inner power

“….perhaps it is my selfishness to rewrite both our fates and not your so called natural order that is truly just…this universe is older than our so called gods who’s to say their will is more just than mine?”

The creature began to snarl

“you would turn your back on the ones who raised you from a pathetic mortal to a guardian of justice?”

The girl without hesitating raised her hand and sent a blast of energy at the beast

“for her? In a heartbeat”…”

———

God I’m feeling emo 😭 short Madoka Magica inspired vignette as a way of airing out my angst about circumstances around my crush I feel disheartened by but not something I’m going to really develop further lol

[pesterloglog]

Kanaya Maryam, Karkat Vantas

Act 5, page 2694

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

GA: Your Speech Was Really

GA: Emotional

CG: OK I DEFINITELY DON'T NEED YOU BUSTING MY BULGE ABOUT THE SPEECH NOW.

CG: I'VE TAKEN ENOUGH SHIT. I GOT A LITTLE WORKED UP OK?

CG: AND IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY, WHY DON'T YOU COME SAY IT TO MY FACE.

CG: I'M FED UP WITH THESE BACK DOOR NOOKBITING SHENANIGANS.

GA: I Dont Mean To Critique Your Speech

GA: I Just Wanted To Ask You Something In Confidence

GA: About The Humans

CG: OK, WHAT IS IT?

GA: Are You Sure Theyre Responsible For Our Misfortune

CG: YES. THERE IS NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.

GA: Was It On Account Of Malice Or Incompetence

CG: I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE BOTH?

CG: WHY DOES IT MATTER.

GA: It Sort Of Does

GA: Im Not Even That Sure Why

GA: This Is A Difficult Topic For Me To Broach

GA: For Reasons That You Probably Wont Understand

CG: GOD DAMMIT.

CG: NO MORE MYSTERIES, PLEASE.

CG: YOU'D THINK WE'D HAD OUR FILL OF THEM BY NOW.

CG: IF I HAVE TO SOLVE ONE MORE RIDDLE, I'M GOING TO...

CG: I DON'T KNOW.

GA: Will Your Response Involve An Athletic Maneuver Of Some Sort

CG: NO

CG: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

CG: I WILL JUST GO OVER THERE AND WEEP GENTLY IN THE HORN PILE.

CG: SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS THIS ABOUT?

GA: Um

CG: WHAT I CAN TELL YOU IS

CG: THEY ARE ALL LUDICROUSLY INCOMPETENT.

CG: SOFT, PINK FRAGILE THINGS WHO DO NOTHING BUT WASTE TIME.

CG: THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE HORNS!

GA: What

GA: Really

CG: YEAH, I WAS LIKE, WHOA DID THEY GET FILED DOWN OR SOMETHING

CG: BUT NO IT TURNS OUT THAT'S JUST HOW THEY ARE.

GA: Weird

CG: THEY'RE A MISERABLE POINTLESS CROP OF LIFEFORMS FROM A MEANINGLESS BORING PUSTULE OF A PLANET.

CG: IT'S INFURIATING THEY WERE SOMEHOW ALLOWED TO HAVE ANY INFLUENCE OVER US.

GA: It Is Pretty Disheartening

GA: But

GA: You Are Absolutely Sure They Are All Failures

GA: And That They Have No Chance Of Succeeding

CG: YEP.

CG: IT'S ALL RIGHT HERE.

GA: Im Not Sure Which Depresses Me More

GA: The Sabotage Of Our Session Or The Futility Of Theirs

CG: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.

CG: YOU'RE BEING REALLY WEIRD ABOUT THIS.

GA: Well I Havent Asked What I Wanted To Ask

CG: THEN ASK!!!

GA: Its About TentacleTherapist

CG: YEAH. THAT'S THE ROSE HUMAN.

CG: SHE'S APPARENTLY PRETTY SARCASTIC.

CG: IT'S IN MY NOTES.

GA: You Have Notes On Them

CG: YES.

GA: I Guess

GA: Thats Why Youre Our Leader Karkat

CG: NO, I'M YOUR LEADER BECAUSE OF MY INCREDIBLE TACTICAL SKILLS AND MY ABILITY TO MOBILIZE AND MOTIVATE A BUNCH OF USELESS PEOPLE TOWARD A COMMON GOAL, AND BECAUSE I'M EXTREMELY AMBITIOUS AND INTREPID. ALSO BECAUSE LEADERSHIP IS IN MY BLOOD. WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS.

GA: Statements Like That Are Also Why Youre Our Leader

CG: OK, I'LL ACCEPT THAT.

GA: Have You Talked To Her

CG: WHO

GA: The Rose Human

GA: Also

GA: Do We Really Have To Say Things Like The Rose Human

CG: OF COURSE WE DO.

CG: IT SOUNDS SUITABLY DISDAINFUL.

CG: I MEAN, IF A BUNCH OF ALIENS STARTED HASSLING YOU, YOU WOULD EXPECT THEM TO ACT REALLY HIGH AND MIGHTY, AND SUPERIOR IN EVERY WAY, RIGHT?.

CG: WHICH WE ARE, OF COURSE.

GA: Uh Okay

CG: AND NO, I HAVEN'T TALKED TO HER.

CG: I WILL PROBABLY STEER CLEAR OF HER FOR THE MOST PART.

CG: I HAVE MY SIGHTS SET ON THE JOHN HUMAN, AND PROBABLY ALSO THE JADE HUMAN, SHE'S A HUGE CULPRIT TOO.

GA: It Just

GA: Feels Really Silly When We Say Things Like The John Human In Confidence Amongst Ourselves

CG: WE HAVE TO COMMIT TO THIS. STAY IN CHARACTER, YOU KNOW?

CG: REMEMBER THE SPEECH.

GA: The Speech Has Become Emblazoned On My Think Pan

GA: Virtually Ensconced In The Fold Of My Personal Mythology

CG: DID YOU WANT TO TROLL HER? ARE YOU VOLUNTEERING?

CG: BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE GREAT, I'D REALLY APPRECIATE THAT.

GA: I Dont Know

GA: Im Not Sure If Ive Got It In Me Right Now

CG: COME ON. YOU'LL BE GREAT AT IT.

CG: PLEASE JUST DO THIS ONE THING FOR ME. WE'VE GOT TO STAY COORDINATED ON THIS.

CG: TOO MANY OF THESE FUCKS ARE GOING ROGUE.

CG: LIKE WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING.

GA: Fine

CG: GREAT! THANKS KANAYA.

CG: I'LL EXPECT A FULL REPORT SOON.

GA: A Report About What

CG: LIKE

CG: HOW HASSLED YOU GOT HER TO BE

CG: BUT LESS STUPID SOUNDING THAN THAT.

GA: Is There A Metric For That Concept

CG: NO

CG: WELL THERE COULD BE

CG: WE CAN GAUGE YOUR RESULTS WITH THE "FLIGHTY BROADS AND THEIR SNARKY HORSESHITOMETER".

GA: That Seems Just As Disparaging To Me As It Is To Her

CG: YEAH WELL

CG: USE IT AS MOTIVATION

CG: I GOTTA GET CRACKING HERE, LATER.

[reallove-truelove]

True Love Is Worth The Wait And You Are Worth Waiting For. God's Promise Are Worth Waiting For

By Faith Ferguson

"I have noticed that a common factor in the women of today; is satan is attacking a women's relationship with her future spouse, by attacking not only their place in this world but also their identity with insecurity. Women of today are faced with the constant question from satan "Are you really good enough?" "Who would love you?" "Do you really think your husband would choose you, when there are better people all around?" Most of the questions we face as women are all mainly based around satans insecurity of us. For us women to be with the man God called us to be with is a threat to satan and is a constant insecurity to his plans against humanity. That is why you can see almost every where you look, companies are trying to cut marriage out of thing like in the new live action film of "The Little Mermaid," where they cut the wedding scene from the movie at the end or even in the new live action film of "Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs, " where they have cut the romance out and the scenes where she is wait for true love even praying to God. They even have basically divorced the relationship between barbie and ken in the new, "Barbie" movie. I was on Instagram a couple of days ago and i even read that Disney ... #NotWaltdisney has decided to divorce Mickey And Minnie Mouse. Everywhere you look they are encouraging women either not believe in marriage or want to be married; little own wait for their prince... the man God created for them to be with. We need as women to stop taking these attacks at our womanhood and children's womanhood so lightly; because they are all encouraged by satan to keep women from not only the man God created for them to be with but also from a relationship with Jesus Christ. Even with all these new changes created in movies to attack our womanhood; my heart is also aware of the attack on men as well. Most of these changes in films rejecting marriage aka Gods plan for two soulmates created by God for each other, these movies are designed to dishearten men from showing chivalry, waiting for their bride and honouring their future spouse. Causing men to ask the same questions that satan is getting women to ask themselves, and from these questions, they burn into the soul deep with insecurity, and that leads people into making mistakes in fear and hopelessness. Whether you are a man or a women who is being attacked on your identity by satan with these remarks.

To Women: you need to know that the wait is worth it and you are worth waiting for. You are God's daughter, you are deserving of true love, you have a man God has chosen especially for you that loves you, if i am you are created by the heart of God and you are valued over all of creation in Jesus Christ's eyes. Not let satan cause you to doubt your worth.

To Men: you need to know that the wait is worth it and you are worth waiting for. You are God's Son, you are deserving of true love, you have a Women God has chosen especially for you that loves you, if i am you are created by the heart of God and you are valued over all of creation in Jesus Christ's eyes. Not let satan cause you to doubt your worth.

Don't let the enemy cause you to believe that you are not worthy of the spouse God has created and anointed you to be with. Your spouse loves you and is waiting for you. Seek God with all your heart and ignore satans lies. Your spouse is worth the wait and your future spouse loves you. Waiting for true love is not a waste of time and love is never hopeless. What God has created for you is worth every moment of waiting and praying.

Stay in faith and stay in love."

-Faith Ferguson

[azriel-landsayd]

Azriel’s lip curved upward at the mention of her killing him. She was utterly capable, he was sure of it, but he would like the pleasure of tasking her sweet nectar between her legs once more. However, he bit his tongue at voicing that. He did not like how disappointed or discouraged? She sounded, slightly frowning. He did not like the tone of it, it was disheartening to see her in this state of unknown and questioning. He held no answers for her and learning the history of how she came to be was questionable, her mother had been used. That could only mean that his intentions with his daughter could surely not be good? A soft sympathetic sigh escaped him as she spoke of her concerns, his body visibly relaxing as she spoke. Azriel moved closer to her, sitting behind her and encasing her with his legs. Her back to his chest as his hand slid around her stomach and pulled her gently closer. Bridging the gap between her back and his chest. He buried his face in the crane of her neck, her soft tendrils caressing his face as he gently inhaled her scent. He was not a man who had words to comfort her, nor did he know how. Azriel simply held her, allowing the silence to linger between them before he pulled back slightly, his chin resting on her shoulder. “We share that much.” He spoke softly, “I do not know much of my father. He also abandoned us when we were young. He only never came looking for us. Azriel knew of my mother’s illness and left. He did not care for us or her.” He shared, “If I am honest, I am not sure what I would do in your position, but I have thought about it. Many times when I was younger, at first I swore to the gods that I would tell him off. Sometimes I even wanted to fight him because of what he did to my mother. Conflicting, is it not?” He leaned down to press his lips to her shoulder, “You do not owe that warlock anything. But if you wish for answers, then I will take you to him.” He was making it clear, in many words. He would not force her. He was giving her a choice, a choice in which he was possibly exchanging his own life for hers. He did not dare call it love, but strangely he felt at peace with whatever she would want to do. It seemed only fair, “I will respect and fully support whatever your choice is.” He spoke gently. He was not attempting to right his wrong, but this felt right and proper for her. It felt like the last thing he could do when it came to her. He did not believe he would die so easily anyway, her father was powerful, but Azriel would not make the same foolish mistake of trusting magic once more. He should have known better than to accept the amulet, after all, he was not a weak human. He was fully a human and harbored the strength that could rival elves. “And if you wish to seek answers to your questions, I will take to him, but if you allow me, I wish to stay by your side in case.” He added. Despite being half-breed, she was not that different from him. Curiosity ate at her much like it had him during his youth, the drastic difference was that her father had come to seek her, whatever his intentions were, but he had. “Does your mother know he wishes to see you? Does she have no opinion on the matter? Or are you keeping her in the dark?” Azriel questioned and laughed at her words and questions, while heavy, they still felt comical. “I will not bind you once more, are you curious at all how I came to track you quickly? Hounds are good for tracking.” Azriel dug into his pocket and pulled out her undergarment and playfully dangled it in front of them, “this made it quite easy.” He laughed softly next to her ear but held her tighter so she would not attempt to move out of his grasp. “No, not quite yet. This location is beautiful, and the sun is about to set.” He spoke gently, tickling the side of her rib, wondering if she was ticklish at all. “Now look.” He pointed in the direction of the sun.

As the sun dipped below the horizon, casting a warm glow across the sky, Azriel sat on the hill with his Nephele nestled in his embrace. The world seemed to slow down around them, as they watched the vibrant colors of the sunset painting the sky in hues of pink, orange, and gold. With each passing moment, Azriel felt a sense of peace wash over him, knowing that he was exactly where he was meant to be. The gentle breeze ruffled their hair, and the sweet scent of wildflowers surrounded them, creating a moment that felt magical. Azriel would not bother to find out what the heavy mixture of his emotions meant when it came to Nephele, not yet anyway. He only felt like doing right by her, and he hoped that had been clear.

Nephele looked up at him as he stood beside her, unsurprised by his presence though disappointed he had found her as quickly as he did. Her fight or flight seemed to set a pang of anxiety in her belly for a brief moment before she managed to dismiss it. She frowned, "And what would the point in that be? I would only have to continue running until I figured out how to kill you. And even then my father would likely only find another way to track me down for his purposes." She felt defeated by it. There was only dread in the wonder of her father. His means seemed only based in something negative. Her eyes flickered over to Azriel as he sat beside her. For a moment she wished to seek comfort from him, his arms around her as she was filled with anxiety and dread about her father. Azriel was the only one who knew what was happening. When it came to her mother she came up with some lie of running off and growing curious about her father in her travels. She did not wish her mother to know truly what was happening. She did not move closer to Azriel, but she did not move away from him either. She accepted that what was happening to her was likely inevitable. “Not as much as I would like.” She said softly. She questioned how much she should tell him. She questioned trusting him at all. She supposed he was not a dishonest man. He was merely seeking to complete a job he had been hired to do. It was just disappointing that it would come at her expense. That he would hand her over to a warlock who more than likely had no good intentions for her. But then Azriel did not know her. There had been occasion where they enjoyed each other physically, but then that was all. And the carnal pleasures of men did not lend themselves to fond feelings for women necessarily. She could fuck him every possible moment that he might desire it and he would still ultimately hand her over, she was sure. She looked over at him, his handsome features, the light eyes and dirtied blond hair. She had detected a note of sympathy in his questions, sympathy that only served to confuse her feelings towards him further. “All of my questions are not answered. There is still mystery to me on what value I might hold for him to go through the lengths he is to have me acquired for him. My mother believes he put her under a spell and that is how I came to be. He did not stick around long enough for her to even show she was pregnant with me. He was gone. She never heard from him again. So even she is limited on what she knows of him. She just knew he was magical, that he swept her up in the excitement of his romance only to be let down by it almost as quickly. I suppose the only way to know what he truly wants is to allow you to take me to him. No matter the great unease it causes me to even think of being in his presence.” She could not shake her dread, but she had gotten to the juncture where continuing to run was feelings fruitless. Just as sharing what she knew with Azriel seemed acceptable. There was nothing to lie about. If she ran, if she hid information, it would not get her far. Azriel had proven that her father had chosen well in his tracker and also would not allow her to know peace. She would run for the rest of her life if she chose to run. “Well,” she started and let out a long, heavy exhale, “Shall we get started on retreading the progress we once made?” She asked and looked back out through the trees. “Must you bind me again? I accept that there is no fleeing.” She stated. She knew it was foolish to expect him to trust her to not run, but she also felt she showed her acceptance of defeat.

[cherryhanji]

oneshot. bang chan x female reader

⭐ synopsis: winter isn't one of your favorite seasons. But what if it's spent with someone who provides you not only smiles, but also those fuzzy feelings and crazy heartbeats?

⭐ genre: roommates to lovers au, college au, fluff, angsty tones

⭐ words: 11k

⭐ warning(s): foul language, mentions of childhood trauma, poor attempt at interpreting kissing scenes aaa

⭐ tags: @starlostseungmin @starlighthan (if u wanna be added on my taglist, u can drop an ask!)

alexa's note: sorry! this took waaaay to long but this is basically a rewritten version of my story "winter shenanigans". i just changed the title bcs i think it's better(?) haha idk i just feel like i need to change it. i wanted to rewrite this bc i feel like i can give it more improvements and make it better than the first version (i hope so) i hope u like it!

a bit of a disclaimer: i never experienced winter, so i'll just write everything what i feel or think about winter and what others do when winter comes. (but i do want to experience it!)

Winter isn't a season you're really not fond of unlike the others. Going out just to flash your new purchased glamorous parka and wasting several dollars for an overpriced hot coffee isn't in your bucket list. Winter doesn't bring you fun playing with snow, making those snowballs and having some snow fights with your loved ones. Walking around the street and feeling the freezing cold air wash your face as you look at everyone who seems to love it. Winter isn't your most loved season especially when the memories it brings you were the ones you really want to forget and leave from the past.

So instead of doing those things people love to do when winter comes, you'll just dwell in the confines of your home, watching those old Netflix series you love watching so many times to the point you memorize every characters' lines. Room heater on and a cup of ramen resting on your hands.

Amidst the season, you and your roommate Lexi always plan on going grocery shopping, agreeing on a day where both of you are free of schedule. The task is dreadful when you try to keep up with the people who seem to love hoarding the supermarket before the season starts. As if they'll run out of everything "they need" during the winter. So grocery shopping is best when you think most of the people were literally out everywhere but the supermarket.

But now, you feel like you are slowly draining out of energy as you look at your roommate while she puts her things inside her big ass luggage bag, a gift from her mother whom she'll be staying with until God knows when.

"Text me please when you arrive, hm?" You said with a small voice, not showing Lexi your soured expression but knowing completely you failed. 

Lexi is like your sister, living with her ever since you started college. So it's really disheartening to know she'll be out of your shared apartment in a few hours. 

The reason is important, and you completely understand it. She needs to go home, but it doesn't get rid of the fact that you'll be away from her, and will make you alone, emotionally and physically. You were never the one to make friends at all, scared to talk to people but managed to befriend some, and Lexi is one of them. Having the same interest and vibes, being able to understand each other are some of the reasons your friendship was built.

"Of course lovely, I will. I know how much you'll miss me. And I'll miss you too." Lexi cocked her brows, giving you a lopsided smile. 

"I really hope you can come back soon. But I think I'll be graduating alone if it happens again." You said. There you are again, you know you sound a bit selfish now, having abandonment issues ever since you were a kid fucks you up real hard, struggling to accept that people really do come and go. You just don't want everything that happened before to happen again.

But you were so aware that it will not happen with Lexi's case. You were just starting to miss the dynamics you used to have while living with her. 

Lexi sighed as she tried to brighten up her smile. You can see that she too, was trying hard to be strong. Going back to her hometown to take care of her ill mother, leaving her one and only best friend from the city and moving to another college is harder than she thought.

"I hope so too. I hope mom will get better so I can just go back here and not transfer to a different university anymore. But I am not sure what's about to happen. But I am really hoping I can come back real soon." She admitted, finally closing the bag she was preparing.

"And y/n, I know how much struggle you feel when it comes to meeting new people. You don't have to force yourself to talk to everyone. But please, don't dwell on being alone, my love. There are lots of people who badly want to befriend you. You're such a sweet girl. I know you prefer being by yourself, but I can see clearly you're happier whenever someone talks to you." she rebuked, Lexi knows you like the back of her hand, notices even the things you never knew you were doing.

"I-I don't think so." You muttered. You sure weren't confident enough to face a conversation with a person you knew you were talking to several times, let alone a complete stranger you never once talked to. One reason you never went to those acquaintance parties Lexi invited you everytime she went. 

You heard your friend click her tongue, making you turn your gaze to her. You sighed as you were met by one of her signature looks, always giving you those whenever she's disagreeing with something you just said.

"O-okay, fine. I don't promise but I'll try, because I don't like to miss you so much like I do now." You scoffed, making her let out light chuckles.

"That's my girl. To think that winter is coming, I want you to find someone you can spend those dreadful times with whenever the season is here." She snarked.

"Nah, will just spend my days here wrapped like a burrito while watching Squid Game." You remarked, Lexi looking at you dirtily.

"Girl, don't tell me you're gonna watch it for the fifth time?" Lexi questioned and you just nod proudly.

"Of course, I will. No one's gonna stop me." You said while your friend just let out a sigh, giving up at your antics.

"Okay whatever. Anyway, Mrs. Yang told me someone already got my space." Lexi announced, making your ears perked up at her news. You weren't against new roommates, you know yourself you can't afford to pay the whole rent and you need someone to share it with. But you didn't expect it to be this soon, you weren't prepared to entertain a new roommate!

"Wait, what? This soon??" You questioned and she just nodded.

"Yep! Don't have any idea who it was but Mrs. Yang told me they're studying in the same university." Lexi exclaimed as if she was the one who will live with the new roommate. On the other hand, dreadfulness starts seeping in you just by thinking of the prospect of having a new roommate. The idea of living with a stranger, and having no idea what will be your relationship with them in the future, starts to eat your mind. But despite that, you didn't show Lexi your weariness, instead giving her some neutral reaction even if your introvertedness is already screaming.

A week has passed and you still haven't met the said new roommate. You didn't even bump into Mrs. Yang, which you think is much better because you didn't have any idea how to grasp some update about your new roommate. "I just want to ask when will my new roommate arrive so I can at least clean the apartment."  "May I ask who my new roommate is? Lexi told me you told her they're attending the same university as me." Questions keep on popping on your mind but in the end, you were glad you never bumped into her and just cleaned the whole apartment in case your new roommate will arrive.

School break was about to start. You were more than relieved to know you completed all the work and backlogs even before the break starts. You may hate the winter, but you'd rather make yourself busy with something else than dealing with your activities or any school related work.

After having a small talk with Felix, you bid yourselves goodbye and started to walk on your way home.

Felix is a blockmate and one of the people you prefer talking with whenever Lexi isn't around. You grew accustomed to him when right after your first activity as partners, he still approached you like you've known each other for a while now, clearly wanting to befriend you. Not wanting to look like a bitch, you just let him be, also because of his bubbly persona. Like Lexi, Felix is the person next to being comfortable. You like the energy he's emanating whenever he's around.

You were solemnly staring at the window of the bus when you felt your phone buzzing against your pants pocket.

from: Mrs. Yang (YW APT.)

hi dear, just a heads up. your new roommate might arrive later or tomorrow evening. just want to remind you so you can prepare his space. have a nice day dear!

to: Mrs. Yang (YW APT.)

thank u for informing me, Mrs. Yang. have a nice day too!

You don't think you were ready enough knowing that your roommate is a guy. You don't have any problems with guys. It's just you feel awkward most of the time when you talk to the opposite sex. But you realized it doesn't worry you unlike the first time you knew about having a new roommate. Thinking about what Lexi has said, maybe it's not that bad to have new friends, besides her, well, also Felix (you consider him as one from now on.)

The said roommate arrived the next day. With his luggage bag and some boxes, he strived to bring them altogether inside even if you offer him a small help by pulling his luggage (you tried to make a good impression of yourself even if you're already feeling awkward as hell)

In the end, he let you pull his luggage when one of the boxes he carried totter from his hold, chuckling awkwardly when it finally fell. Talk about people and their eagerness to bring all of their things at once.

You tried not to sound and look awkward as you showed him the whole apartment, and finally his own space, his bedroom. You did everything you need to do to make it look presentable and clean. You don't have any idea if your new roommate is a clean freak, so you did it just to make things sure. You don't want to have a complaining roommate after seeing their room covered in dust and dirt.

"This is nice. I have never seen a room this clean. Or is it because my old roommate is not that of a clean freak." He said, chuckling. You must admit, his laughs are angelic. You never heard a guy laugh that cute. Or maybe because you never tried to make a guy laugh ever. Well Felix, is a different one, guy is scary when he laughs. Felix is the only one you can use to compare with the other guys. It was like, he is your standard of guys as you've never been with others before.

"Uh, yeah. I did clean it well. I don't want my new roommate to see his new room dirty." You said, showing a sheepish smile, hoping you won't look like an idiot to him.

"Nah, it's good. I am happy to know you gave your efforts in cleaning my new room. And as I can see, I think I won't have any problems with dealing with trash. Though I am not that sensitive to it, but, isn't it better to see your place neat? It makes you feel relaxed." He grinned. 

Something about him appeases you, the way he is talking to you, it was comforting. As if you guys were already friends. He looks friendly and harmless, someone you can easily approach whenever you're having concerns. 

But then again, you tell yourself that typical phrase whenever you meet someone. "looks can be deceiving". Most people tend to act politely whenever they meet with someone unfamiliar. But either way, you'll try your best to have those decent talks with your new roommate.

You don't even know each others' names yet.

"Uhm...Anyways, I'm Y/n! I hope you'll have fun staying here from now on..." You mumbled the last words, encouraging him to continue it by telling his name.

So he flashed you a smile and replied.

"Chan, Bang Chan, or Chris, whichever you like, but Chan is good, though.. I'm certain I will enjoy having you as my roommate, Y/n. And uuh, thank you again for cleaning this for me. I hope pulling my luggage bag inside didn't bother you. I'm sorry again for the small accident earlier, I just want to bring everything inside at once. A habit, yeah?" He chuckled, recalling his habit that led into a small accident at the front door earlier.

"No worries. Doesn't bother me that much.." You admitted. You feel like the atmosphere was slowly getting awkward, the smile on your face is unfortunately faltering. Wanting to not embarrass yourself furthermore, you tried to change the topic, letting him have his own time as he fixed his things.

"Uh, I would like to excuse myself now if you don't mind, so you can fix your things, it's getting a bit late now. So you can also rest." You said, checking the wall clock hanging just beside his bedroom door. The clock reads 10:20 pm and you're feeling a bit sleepy now. Chan just nods, and flashes you a friendly smile.

"Oh yeah, sure! Sorry to delay your sleep, but I'll be good. I'll just fix these tomorrow morning. Good night, y/n." 

"Good night, Chan."

Winter has finally started. Just like usual, you were met by lots of people who seemed to enjoy the little droplets of snow that are starting to fall. And good thing your worn out parka (a gift from Lexi almost three years ago) is still holding on, the zipper was already broken yet you were too lazy to get it fixed. Parkas are expensive as hell and you'd rather stick with this one, especially when you're not going out frequently when the season is here.

Grocery shopping went on smoothly, but this time you were alone. Almost three weeks had passed since Lexi left the apartment yet you still feel the longing for your friend, thinking that it won't get rid that easily especially when she's the only person you do this with and many other domestic things you can think of.

You feel all your limbs starting to give out when the view of your apartment door reaches your sight. Walking home from the supermarket is a fun thing to do, but you realized it was only fun when you have a company, specifically Lexi. Having someone help you bring the other bags. It was exhausting, but at least you came home with your complete limbs. 

You opened the door softly, you felt like breaking into your own apartment when in fact, you just wanted to see if Chan was in. Almost two weeks of living with him and you still feel shy when he is around. You tried your best to not look awkward whenever you talk, because the last thing you ever wanted was to make him think he's making you uncomfortable when in fact it's not.

Chan is a nice roommate. An organized one, you might add. So far, he never did anything to make you a bit distant to him, you were just shy, and the fact that you do find him attractive just adds to the predicament you were feeling. How can you engage with a long conversation when the first thing you always do is stare at his face? He might think you're weird if ever he noticed that action of yours.

You will pass by Chan's room whenever you go to the kitchen, so when you tried to grab some bottled water for yourself, you heard someone talking, surmising it was Chan. Maybe he's talking to someone as you hear other unfamiliar voices. You didn't mean to eavesdrop, but how can you not when you just heard your name in between the conversation?

"I just don't think we can do that now, I moved just two weeks ago, I don't want y/n to be uncomfortable"

"She's my roommate. And I still don't know if it's okay for her if I invite you guys over. Even if I am basically paying the rent too. But I don't want to scare the girl with two other guys she 7barely knew, walking around her house. We're not even that close yet."

Something about Chan talking about you makes you want to hear more. Even if you tried your best to stop, since listening to others' conversation isn't morally right.

"Hmm? Yeah..? She's pretty though, but a bit shy. I don't know why, I want to talk to her more but I feel like she doesn't even want to be near me, yikes." You heard him chuckle. And that's how you stumbled on your feet and almost knocked the big ass vase beside his door. 

Nice, just a nice way to expose yourself.

You heard him finish the call as you tried to compose yourself, making sure you didn't look like you were just literally beside his door, listening to his conversation with his friends.

Him calling you cute confused you, you don't have any idea what you did or what you have for him to call you cute. On the other hand, it made you feel ecstatic as if you just won a competition. A person you just find attractive admits that he finds you attractive too, how can you not hyperventilate by it?

Your eyes widen when you heard the doorknob shuffle, your time to run to the kitchen as if nothing happened just ran out before you even try and now you were met by a flabbergasted Chan, because he never expected you to be there, he just literally thought that the sound came from elsewhere and he's curious to check it.

"Oh, hi Y/n. Didn't know you already arrived. Uhm... How may I help you?" Chan's voice seems to ebb away as your eyes start to focus somewhere else, preferably his exposed arms, he was wearing this shirt that was made into a sleeveless one, his arm muscles tensed when he rested his arm on the doorframe, it's like he's literally giving you the honor to check him out. But it's not, of course. He's toned, and even if this is the first time you saw him showing a bit more skin, you knew that he's the type of guy who spends his time at the gym.

Exactly your type.

You were just fished out of your "checking my roommate out" by Chan's voice calling your name, worry etched on his annoying attractive face. 

"Is there a problem? Was it the noise I heard a while ago?" He asked and you tried your best to gather yourself up before flashing him a smile. Putting an end to "making yourself embarrassed in front of Chan" again.

"Ah no.. I mean, yeah. I just arrived. Uh, actually I just passed by your room then I almost knocked the vase, sorry if that disturbed you." You said, biting the inside of your cheek. God, you think this the most awkward time you ever had with Chan.

"Are you okay?" He said and took a look at you before looking at the vase that just sits perfectly as if nothing happened. The vase was heavy, and you were more than bemused as to why it made so much noise when you accidentally hit it with your feet.

"Oh yeah, yeah! I'm good. Just a bit clumsy." You assured and gave him a small smile. You were stuck in silence when Chan spoke again.

"Uh, may I ask you something?" Chan started, while you looked at him, urging him to continue.

"Uhm, I know I just moved in here a few weeks ago, but I do want to ask if I can bring my friends here? Like, we really need to finish this project of ours and I am the only one who has the most needed equipment and we need to use it. Uh, I promise we won't make so much noise! Uh, I'll tell the--" Chan stopped his blabbering when you suddenly let out a giggle.

"Of course. You can invite them over, I really don't mind. After all, this is also your house." You said. Realizing this is his issue since earlier while talking to his friends. You really don't mind at all. Lexi also did invite some of her other friends here before, sometimes inviting you over which you gladly did, but most of the time you stay in your room. You can do it with Chan. After all, he has his share of paying everything in this apartment. So he can do whatever he pleases, you just hope he's a bit mindful of his surroundings.

"Oh yeah right, thank you though. Uhm.. Do you have some rules, like things you don't like whenever others come in here? You know what I'm saying?" He questioned and you got it right away. He's really considerate. What a gentleman. Makes you want to just jump at him and kiss his pretty lips.

Oh, that's too much. 

He's your roommate, for god's sake.

"Uhm.. Just try not to make too much mess? I'm fine with everything really. Just, that." You shrugged, while he gave you a thumbs up.

"Copy. I assure you, you'll never have a problem with us." Chan grinned. You were slowly running out of ideas to say so you tried to excuse yourself from him, which he gladly let you do so. Too much happened from that short conversation, you think. Him calling you cute, him wanting to talk to you but you were so shy he doesn't know what to do, him almost catching you eavesdropping on him and his friends, you checking him out. You just hoped that he was gullible enough to not notice your lingering stares on his arms, to not make yourself embarrassed. Too much for you, eh?

Can you really keep up with your attractive roommate?

The day Chan's friends decided to come over was just as peaceful as you want it to be. Except his other friend, Jisung if you weren't mistaken, has been the noise provider in the once peaceful apartment, together with Chan's other friend, Changbin.

Chan apologizes over and over again for his friends' enthusiasm, things that you really don't mind at all. 

And as promised, Chan and his friends stayed inside his room to work on their project. You just knew he's a music major, and it was dead obvious as you always hear him play different tunes, some music that's pleasant to the ears, you even had a favorite one, the one he was playing last night, the same music they're currently working on.

Chan just casually playing those music for free, makes you wonder how he looks whenever he works over something. Is he the serious leader type? Is he the one to goof around but does work well? Or is he the quiet one while working but then surprises you with his amazing ideas. 

Whatever it may be, it still makes your heart pound as if you just ran a mile. But why is that? Just thinking about him makes your mind go haywire, are you having a crush on your roommate?

It's incredulous, isn't it?

"I just thought about it but, do you know someone named Lee Felix?" Jisung asked you as he munched his pizza. After working, Chan had invited you to eat pizza with them, ordered right after they finished work. At first you were hesitant, since you weren't really that close, and you really don't have any idea how to open a conversation with them. But the persistence his friends have was indelible, so you just gave in and joined them, and good thing their chattiness saved your sorry ass. Chan was also talkative, one thing you didn't expect. Maybe because he's around his friends. But he's not like the other two, they seem like they have endless topics brought with them.

"Hm, yeah. He's my classmate, why?" You replied, his mouth making an "O" shape as if he realized something.

"I knew it. That's why you look familiar! You were always with Felix after his classes. You may not see me but I always see you with him." He mused, 

"Oh wait, that sounded creepy. But yeah, I saw someone with him, and I realized it was you." he continued. You tried to recall all the times you were with Felix and bump into someone he knew, but you don't remember a thing. Maybe because you were busy thinking what activity you'll do next or what will Lexi cook for dinner.

"Oh well, sorry for not remembering a thing, but are you related to him? Like, friends?" You questioned and Jisung nodded his head in response, pointing at Chan who was walking out of the kitchen, his mouth full of pizza and his hands holding a bottle of water. Like a deer caught in headlights, you chuckled at his astounded look.

"What? Why're you pointing at me?" Chan raised his eyebrows at Jisung who was unfazed by his friend's dirty look.

"Felix is Chan's cousin. They basically lived together in Australia when they were kids. I wonder why Felix never told you about Chan. You guys just met when Chan moved in here right?" Changbin said and pointed at the two of you, you nod in response.

Changbin was right, you didn't know but you felt a bit betrayed by Felix. He was also as talkative as the three, but never mentioned about his hot cousin to you. But what was the reason in the first place? Why does Felix need to mention his cousin to you? 

But you just brushed it off, after all, Chan is already your roommate.

Maybe you can ask Felix about his cousin's ideal type, maybe you can learn a thing or two.

And asking Felix wasn't the best resort at all. It wasn't an option, per se. Your two eyes can see obviously what he likes in everything. Man, you live with the guy. You can literally learn a thing or two, if you were heedful of your surroundings.

Eventually, you become comfortable with Chan, as he is to you. One question and one answer now led into breathy laughs in between long conversations. One asked about their day, and eventually it turned into long talks. You were ecstatic about the progress of your roommate relationship with Chan, and when you say progress, your feelings also go with the flow. 

You finally admitted that you have a crush on your roommate, it was very obvious that Chan is likeable. Aside from Felix, he's the nicest guy you've ever met, his attitude from the very first time you guys met never changed, and you appreciate it. 

You were busy cleaning your room when you heard some soft knocks against your door. You were shocked to see Chan peeking from the outside, wanting to call your attention.

"Hey, Chan. Is there anything I can help you with?" You said as you placed your freshly washed clothes on your bed. He seemed to hesitate answering so you beckon him to go in, as he did eventually.

"Are you busy?" He asked, eyeing those clothes placed on your bed.

"Oh, not really. Will just place these clothes in the cabinet and I'm done. Why?" You asked him. You didn't know if you were just seeing things or his cheeks flushed a bit red before speaking.

"Uhm. I cooked some pancakes and made some hot chocolates for snacks. It's getting a bit cold here and I'm hungry. If you want I can bring you some here." Chan mused. A bashful smile painted on his face. You were speechless for a moment before you gave him a nod.

"Oh! That's very nice of you. But we can just eat it together in the kitchen." You replied.

"Really? I can just bring you some here while you finish what you were doing. Or I can just leave some for you." He insisted but you just shook your head.

"Nah, I'm fine. I can finish this later. It's very impolite of me if I'll do that. And besides, I do feel hungry now that you mentioned pancakes and hot chocolate." You giggled. Chan let out a sigh of relief and invited you to go with him in the kitchen which you gladly did, leaving all the clothes unattendedly and all the other things you need to do. Chan invited me to eat with him, organizing my things can wait.

No wonder you heard some shuffling in the kitchen a while ago, it was just him trying to cook some food. It surprised you that Chan can cook, since he's always busy. Either in his room or out with his friends, telling you that he'll just eat outside or finish his work that you'll never know if he's already done since you always hear him in his room, but it's all fine. 

Maybe he's just a man who is passionate about his work. 

After minutes of arguing that you'll just get your own food, you sat down on the chair as Chan prepared both your and his food, telling you that he was the one who invited you.

Looking at him, his broad back facing you, his shoulders tensing as he continues to move around, made you feel those weird feelings inside your stomach. It may be bizarre, but it felt good, just right.

Imagining him as the caring boyfriend who takes good care of you, cooking you food whenever he wants to, surprising you every morning with those butterfly kisses around your face. Just the perfect relationship every person wishes to have.

While you make your own world of fantasies, the boy who was the subject of it was staring at you weirdly. Hiding the smile on his face as he looked at your flabbergasted one when he called again your attention, the look on your face as if you were caught doing something illegal made him giggle, but he tried to hide it.

"Thinking of something?" He questioned, a smile now visible on his face. You tried to focus your attention on him once again, shaking away all of the thoughts of him from your mind before answering.

"Uuh, just thinking what will these pancakes taste like, also the hot chocolate." You replied, he scoffed jokingly as he placed your plate of pancakes, drizzled with maple syrup and whipped cream on top.

"And now you're acting like some masterchef judge, or aren't you Gordon Ramsay's daughter?" he joked. 

"Hmm, what if I am?" You remarked. He just shrugged and let out a giggle, his dimples apparent on his face, making him look more cute and soft.

Aah, can you not act cute, just for once?

"Hmm. I guess I'm honored and nervous at the same time, have a taste then, Ms. so-called daughter of Gordon Ramsay." He mused.

You happily indulged yourself with the still warm pancakes, humming as the mix of its softness and the sweet taste of maple syrup excites your taste buds, immediately giving a thumbs up to Chan. He flashed you a wide grin before eating some of his own.

"Didn't know you cook this good, Channie." You blurt out, not realizing that you called him in a different way, you were busy delving in his pancakes.

"Not you doubting my cooking skills." Chan replied. Little did you know, Chan was having a little heart attack from the new nickname you gave him out of the blue, yet you still haven't realized it.

"And, I didn't know I had a new nickname now." Chan mused and let out a chuckle. Confused, your eyebrows furrowed until seconds later you realized what you just said a while ago.

"Never heard someone call me that, even my friends." He admitted. Even his close friends never called him that. And he's glad that someone like you managed to get him a nickname, one thing that he'll never mind at all, especially if it's only you.

"Uh-- okay. I didn't realize it. Sorry" You mumbled, but Chan still managed to hear it. 

"No worries, Channie is cute though. I love it." Your eyes widen as you bring your gaze back to him, while his smile  never falters. It's true, Chan loves it. In fact, he wishes you'll just call him by it everyday. It felt like an addition to his energy. 

"Uh, d'you like the hot chocolate?" Chan changed the topic before he felt the silence envelop you.

You did taste the hot chocolate and it was good, the warmth of the drink seeped into you, making you relax. Winter was still ongoing and you're glad that besides ramen and tea, you found yourself a different way of relaxing and making you warm during the season. One point for making a hot chocolate for a cold season.

"Yep! It was so good! So sweet, I love it. Actually I tried making this but I failed big time, I added too much cocoa, it was bitter." You giggled, remembering the first time you tried doing a hot chocolate, Lexi almost barf making you realize you shouldn't make a hot chocolate drink by yourself.

Chan snorted, trying to contain his laugh when he saw you glaring at him.

"Good thing I can make one. I can be your savior," He said, his eyebrows moving up and down. 

"If you insist, actually your hot chocolate is my new favorite now." You confessed. Chan is like hot chocolate, warm, and sweet. He feels homely because of his warm and sweet nature. No wonder you felt comfortable around him in no time. He never once made you feel ill at ease. A pure green flag. That is Chan to you.

Felix went to your apartment several times in the past, but most of it was for school purposes. Activities wherein you were partners, but most of the time he just wants to do it with you, for the sake of copying some of your answers which you don't mind.

But the reason why he is at your apartment today is unusual. And it is the first time he has hung out with you in winter. Weird it may be, but it just happened that way. Lexi and Felix knew each other of course because of the seldom visiting in the past, but not as close as you with being friends with the both of them.

When Felix knew that your new roommate is his cousin, he immediately messaged you saying he'll visit one of these days. It was a long time ago but the free time he only has is now, due to his part time job at the restaurant near his apartment.

There is a fat chance of the cousins meeting at the apartment, but now isn't. Chan went out early to go to his friend's place. And that's the time Felix finally told you that he'll come over.

And here you are, in the kitchen while Felix let you make a room of chaos by helping him make brownies, but sooner he just made you sit and told to watch him. One thing that you agreed on since baking isn't really your thing.

You were too immersed with your phone when you suddenly heard Felix greet someone.

"Hey! You're back!" Your head immediately turned to Chan who looked flabbergasted seeing his cousin being busy in his kitchen.

He then turned his gaze to you, then threw a smile at your direction which you immediately reciprocated.

"You're early…?" You questioned. Chan told you that he will stay at his friend's place for a few hours since they were planning to make a new song, so you assumed he'll be back at night, and it is still afternoon.

"Hmm. Jisung's mom called him for help, so we just finished it there, then we'll continue for some time. It's really not that necessary to finish the song." Chan replied. You were about to speak when you remembered you had another person inside your home.

"What does it feel like when someone replies to your greeting, yeah? 'Oh hello Felix! How are you? It's been a long time? Are you having fun here with Y/n?' Something like that, no?" Felix scoffed, his eyes rolling when Chan giggled. 

Chan went to give his cousin a light bump on his shoulders, apologizing for not greeting him back.

"Sorry dude, I mean, we just saw each other a few days ago." Chan bantered but Felix replied with a raise of a brow.

"Okay. I'll just let it pass, who wouldn't be distracted when you saw y/n first, right?" He quipped, flashing a smirk directed at Chan who was failing to keep a smile. In the end, he just smacked his cousin's arm again. Feeling himself shrinking at the lowkey showing of adoration for y/n. 

Chan knew his roommate was pretty, in and out. He has been harboring appreciation for the girl. Even at that point his friends were pushing him to ask you for a date. But he never did. For him, it was too early to ask you. Living together with you is just as right as rain. Getting to know you, see you, and have more time with you is more than enough for him.

Chan left to go to his room after exchanging a few banters with Felix. And finally, the brownies were already done. So you took all of the baked brownies with you and went to the living room, with Felix hot on your trail, a tub of ice cream on his arm.

"Excuse me, Miss y/n, don't finish all of the brownies please." Felix protested when he saw you continuously eating the bite size brownies, worried that you might finish it all.

It was a minute's worth of fussing over brownies. Of course you were never the greedy one, you just wanted to tease Felix, you ate several pieces, then gave the plate to him, you grabbed some for Chan, but you don't have any idea when he'll come out of his room so you just set aside his brownies.

And the big fat silence took you over. Save for Felix's music playing through his phone. You don't feel like watching tv, and neither do he. You were having fun with your brownies when Felix once again executed his talent: asking questions out of the blue.

"Hey, I wanted to know what you think about my cousin?" You snorted as soon as you heard his question. When he does look serious with his question, and it seems like he is really waiting for an answer, you replied.

"Huh? As a roommate?" You asked. Felix cocked his eyebrow at you, as if silently judging you.

He wasn't clear with his question per se.

"Of… course. Why? You wanna tell me what you think of him as a guy?" And now Felix's face morphed into something akin to ludicrous. 

"You weren't clear with the question, oh please." You cried. With the way you were acting and Felix being the best tormenter ever, you can envision yourself telling Felix what you feel about his cousin. 

"Oh-kay! Fine. What do you think of him as a roommate?" Felix asked again. 

"Okay, I think he's the best roommate I ever had. Very clean, he never leaves a place that contains his mess--" You were speaking when Felix suddenly interrupted your commentary.

"Wait, more than Lexi?" Felix remarked. You know he was just teasing you, Felix knows how much you love Lexi and you were just overstating because it was Chan.

"What?? Of course not! I mean, I have the same feelings for them as a roommate. Maybe I just like the thought of Chan being a good guy who respects others, like his roommate. Besides you, I never interacted so much with guys, but if it's Chan, I think it's okay. I am so comfortable with him, and he's too much of a… gentleman." You remembered the time when you walked in to Chan being shirtless in the kitchen. You don't remember how many times he said sorry for not wearing a shirt. You were just shocked, oh Lord. He's just too sexy to look at. He might think of you as a creep. 

Him saying sorry for being comfortable is so dreadful. 

Even if you told him too many times that night that it was okay, he still wore a shirt the next day. And that made you feel bad. That time you reminded yourself not to freak out by seeing a guy flashing his half naked body.

But how can you do that? Knowing that it was him was rendering you speechless.

"Uhm.. earth to y/n?" Felix snapped his fingers in front of you, making you go back to your trance. Stop thinking about him. Do it like it was easy, huh.

"Oh.. sorry." You chuckled awkwardly, you felt like you were getting smaller. Even though you won't tell him, Felix noticed that you were off the wall when you started talking about Chan.

"Do you like my cousin?" Again, you were knocked senseless by his question. 

Are you really getting questioned by Felix? By your roommate's cousin? In your own apartment? With your roommate in question, which is currently present here?

"W-what? Why are you asking me that?" You chuckled awkwardly, you felt like your mind had gone blank by the sudden questioning. You weren't even sure if you really like, as in like Chan. You just knew you found him attractive.

"Chan has been a nice person ever since, but there's something with the way you talk about him." He said, as if he's that certain with his assumption.

"Maybe because he's just being a gentleman, and I appreciate that, that's it." You replied shortly. Maybe you were really just admiring his personality. You deemed guys being the not gentleman type, except Felix. Many of your female acquaintances told you stories about guys who were being a pain in the ass and just plain rude. And maybe that's one of the reasons why you abstain yourself from talking to other guys, second is just you were a major awkward person.

Felix stared at you for a good minute before smiling and greeted Chan, who went out with his hair damp, maybe he just took a shower then decided to go out.

"Yo Chris, Y/n saved you some brownies, that's for being the best roommate." Felix sneered as you smack him playfully on his arm.

You turned your gaze to Chan and saw a small smile on his face which you immediately reciprocated.

Oh, a thought passed by your mind, did he hear you and Felix talking about him?

You wish he didn't.

A month has passed yet the winter season is still on the run. You were in the supermarket with Chan who just hopped in since he wanted to buy some of his basic necessities and foods he shares with you in the fridge.

You were checking your list when you felt an arm draped over your shoulder. Too stunned, you didn't turn your head right away, to see if it's really him. Because you can literally smell the familiar scent of his calming perfume. And one thing that you wanted to do right now is to just snuggle your face between his neck and sniff his scent, sounds creepy but that's what on your mind right now.

"How about this one, y/n? I think we can make kimchi jjigae for tonight? What do you think?" Chan asked you, turning your gaze sidewards to see his face. Even though you can literally hear your heartbeat loud.

Is it because of the proximity? Or solely because of Chan?

Trying not to sound and look awkward, you patted his hand softly, telling him that you were fine with it. You have no idea if you were just feeling things, but you felt his arms tensed when you pat it.

"Of course, but you'll cook okay? You were the one who's confident with their kimchi jjigae." You grinned. You weren't confident with what you, you were even shocked you managed to contain yourself while being that close with Chan.

Chan didn't even know where he got that confidence. He was panic-stricken when Y/n didn't look back at him, and he really felt how she frozed when he did that. But when Y/n patted his arm lightly, he knew that she was fine, and his heart was beating passionately he could hear it. But he acted cool, for the sake of his pride and unspoken feelings. 

He remember the time where Felix asked Y/n if she likes him and heard her answer, he felt the world ground right below his feet. He knew that her answer probably meant no. She does appreciate him, and he knows that it isn't the same as like, that doesn't mean she likes him as him, and not the person she lives with.

Maybe acting like cool friends won't hurt. Oh, maybe a little, for him. 

Going back to the apartment is not that complicated, you hailed a cab because riding a bus back home while bringing those grocery bags isn't the best idea at all. 

Since Chan knew how to make kimchi jjigae better, he was working alone in the kitchen when Y/n suddenly appeared, shrouded herself with her usual comfortable shirt, her hair tied up in a bun. Something with the way she looks screams domesticity to Chan. A girlfriend watching her boyfriend cook their dinner. The thought alone made Chan smile. Being able to live with her as a roommate is more than enough.

Even if he knew they weren't feeling the same.

But why does he feel like she was staring right into his soul?

You were so amazed by seeing Chan work in the kitchen. He moves dexterously, as if he's really been doing this ever since. Just by looking at him, you can feel your heartbeat briskly again. Everytime you see Chan, there's this familiar feeling that grows as time passes by.

Do you still deny yourself for falling for Chan?

Truthfully speaking, as days passed by and the more you knew about your roommate, the more you slowly realized that you were indeed, in love with your roommate. This wasn't just simply a roommate appreciation feeling. 

It was entirely the same as you expected.

"Okay Chan, I feel like you used to be a chef in your past life." You giggle as you once again slurp again the savory soup of the kimchi jjigae. Chan scoffed jokingly as he took a spoonful of rice from his food.

"Maybe I am. I do appreciate your kind words." Chan replied. You were finally done with dinner and it was such a nice one since whenever you eat with Chan, it was filled with fun and giggles here and there. There was no dull dinner with Chan.

There was a raging snowstorm as per the weather forecast and you were more than irked knowing that there will be lots of snow outside.

"I'll wash the dishes Channie. You go to the living room, I'll be in charge here." You said as you gathered the empty plates and pots. Putting it all on the kitchen sink, while you saw Chan open the fridge and grab a can of drink.

"Want some beer?" Chan asked as he showed you the can on his hand. It was the beers he bought from the grocery earlier. 

"Out of the sudden?" You chuckled at him. It was unusual for Chan to drink beer on a random night. He once told you that he does drink whenever he's at parties. So why beer?

He then shrugged and flashed you a toothy smile.

"Oh, it does help me warm up. It's chilly here. I don't mind having beer, how about you?" Chan stated. It isn't weird, because beer does help you warm up on the inside, and you don't mind consuming one tonight, so you gave Chan a thumbs up before he nodded at you and went to the living room, with two bottles of beer in his hands.

You were never confident with your alcohol tolerance, every memory was shared with embarrassment, so as much as possible, you did drink responsibly. You want to have some time with Chan. You know you can always say no to him, but consuming a bottle won't hurt. Besides, it really does help you warm up.

"Isn't it weird if I drink beer on a winter night instead of coffee or hot chocolate?" Chan chuckled as he chugged on his beer. You knew how much Chan detest coffee, just like you with winter.

"Not really, I know how much you hate coffee, and we just ran out of hot chocolate. Actually, this is new, but I don't hate it. It's been a long time since I last drank beer. But I never expected it to be on a winter night though." You said making the boy laugh. 

"But it is fun!" He countered.

"Yeah, yeah. I just hate that the time was winter. I hope spring comes soon. I hate this season anyway." You accidentally slipped your detestment for winter. You can see how his face morphed into confusion, the bottle sitting on his hand before asking.

"Huh? Why, though? Winter is great! How can you dislike winter?" Chan wondered. For him, winter is great for cuddling. He loves to warm himself up together with his loved ones. Winter is a great time for hot chocolate, too.

Winter is great and better especially when you're with someone who you care for. Giving the warmth that they deserve on a cold winter night.

"I just hate it. I don't know why people are so happy whenever winter comes. It's snowing hard yet they still enjoy it. Or is it just me, because I really hate playing in the snow?" You wondered, ever since you were a kid, you never understood the fun of playing in the snow. It was cold, and probably it'll make you sick.

"Nah, all I see, be it kids or adults, loves playing in the snow." Chan replied. You just smiled sadly as you realized you never once played in the snow ever since you were a kid. You just don't have someone to play with.

"Oh, maybe I was just being bitter." You chuckled as you played with your bottle. Ah, the memories of the past still haunt you big time. 

Winter never did anything to you in the first place, it was just a season that passed by every year. It's just that, someone did taint them badly for you to hate it.

Chan suddenly felt the atmosphere shift into something different. He didn't know if it was because of the alcohol but he can feel that Y/n has something running into her mind right now. He never knew that she disliked the current season. He never knew that she's probably bringing something into her chest. There should be a reason, at least. But if she never wanted to talk about it, who is he to push her more?

But he just wanted to try his luck, maybe he can be a bit of help, even with just the little things.

He can see how much Y/n contemplates with herself. 

"Hmm.. there must be a reason. Do you… want to share it?" Chan carefully asked and saw if Y/n would respond. He knows he's not yet drunk, save for his high tolerance, he can really listen and understand what Y/n would say.

He can be the good listener he always had been.

The thing that bugs you up to this day, whenever winter comes was never shared with anyone else, even Felix, and Lexi. Your father has always been taking care of you, showing you that he can be the best parent you need to have. Filling in the role of a person you love, but left you in spite of that.

"I trust you enough to tell this, Channie." You sighed and gave him a smile.

"The night is young, pretty, go ahead."

Your mom has been your role model ever since. Being the most caring mother that she is, always taking care of you and your older brother, Lucas. She always puts you and your brother first in everything before herself. The most selfless mother you've known.

Your parents had an "okay" relationship when they were together. Doing what every parent should do for their children. You were still a kid back then, so everything you saw made you think that your parents do love each other like every other parents you see from your friends.

Until one day, and it was the start of winter, right after you came back from the mall with your father, you saw your mom packing up her things, altogether with your brother's clothes. You were starting to wonder why, not until your father blurted out the words you never expected him to say. Because all you know is that they love each other.

"Go, leave us. I bet you are happy now, you feel free, yeah? Go ahead. I hope you'll be a good mother to that bastard's son. Why did I even marry a cheater?" 

When you were a kid, the words that you only understood the words leave, good, and happy.

You never understood why your mother and brother have to leave you both. Is  there something wrong? Does your mother hate you? Do they hate living with you now? Why did they have to leave?

Does your mother still love you?

As you grow up, you finally understand all the reasons, your mind slowly opening up to the fact that not everyone's family was made to be perfect. Your father explained to you how your mother cheated on him when they were still together. Giving birth to your brother whom he thought was his real son. A thing that your mother kept until she got pregnant with you. 

Your father was hurt so much by knowing that kind information, but he never regretted loving your brother. The fact that your mother managed to cheat and stayed with him while she's out there doing some kind of infidelity shattered his heart. He did anything to love your mother but all he ever received was pain.

Now that you knew it, it still made you hurt, remembering that cold winter night where your mother was nowhere to be found, you all alone in your small room crying. The experience was traumatic, but you slowly coped with it. But the hate for the season stayed, as well the memory of your mother leaving you.

"I never liked the coldness of the winter. It's because I remember how much I cried for my mother, because every winter, she used to stay with me until I fell asleep, together with my brother. Up until now, it still haunts me. So sorry for killing your joy whenever winter comes." You chuckled as you down the remaining beer from your bottle.

"You know, you never say sorry for your trauma. You didn't want that. No one likes to be left behind. And if hating winter does help you cope up, so be it. It was never a bother for me anyway. Don't be worried about it." Chan said and gave you a heartwarming smile. 

That, that smile is what makes the past cold nights turn into weeks, then months of warmth and cozyness. There were no dull and cold nights whenever you're with Chan. In fact, having him here together with you is what makes you feel better on those cold nights. He never made you feel alone. And you were grateful for having him here with you.

And you were grateful for having those warm fuzzy feelings in your stomach that felt just right. Even if it makes your heart pound like crazy.

"You know.." you started, your eyes focused on the bottle in your hands. While Chan trained his eyes on your figure, waiting for you to continue.

"These past few months, I never felt this happy. I had my share of hate for the season, but I think it's okay now that you're here. So thank you." You said and you can literally feel your cheeks heat up, so you did your best not to lift your face. Not wanting to have any embarrassment happening.

You heard his small gasp and it made you smile. This was shocking for him, you can tell, but it's the truth.

"Uhm.. I don't think I did anything to make you feel better in this season, but I'm glad to know I did some kind of help. It means a lot to me, you know." Chan said and scratched the back of his neck, he can also feel his cheeks heating up. The weather was cold yet their cheeks felt hot at the very moment.

To be someone's comfort is relieving for Chan. Even if he doesn't know what kind of comfort he brings to Y/n, he's glad that she's been comfortable and open to him now. All he knows is that everyone has a struggle with something, and not everyone has the same problem every day. So we need to be kind to everyone.

A principle he had brought with him ever since he was a kid.

But now that Y/n opens up more about herself, he can't help but to be more caring for her. He just wanted her to be happy, just like how he has been ever since he met her.

"You know, I still have something to tell you. I don't know what will happen after but I wanted to tell you this." You started. And you already had warned yourself that you don't have any good relationship with alcohol, yet you still pursue this. There's something with drinking alcohol that makes you do something on a whim. 

Is it called confidence?

Nah, you'll just see if you regret doing this tomorrow.

"Hm? What is it? Should I be worried?" Chan giggled. He was confused but at the same time, anxiousness bubbled up on his stomach. He was still sober, in truth, he never consumed all of the alcohol, too engrossed with Y/n.

That's what love is.

"Uhm… I… Whenever we're together, like this.. I can't help but feel this weird thing. I don't know if it's out of appreciation for your roommate or what. But I don't hate it. It feels good. And I don't want it gone. Is it a crush? love? or just pure appreciation?" You said and Chan clearly hears how obscure your feelings are. Yet, the feeling of excitement is more prominent than worry for your confused feelings. It's dangerous on his side, he knows, yet he can't help but to think that maybe you feel the same for him.

"Are… are you sure? Or is it because you're drunk, Y/n?" Chan asked as he checked on you. When you didn't answer, he stood from the couch across and sat beside you. He looked at you first, before trying to reach your hand, when he didn't feel any sign of hesitation, he slowly squeezed it, trying to make you look at him.

"Tell me, are you sure with what you're saying? Or you're just babbling words?" Chan said and he can feel the frustration in his voice. He didn't want to look and sound frustrated, but the hope in his heart pushed him to do so, he wanted to know if you feel the same or not. Heck, he wanted to kiss you right now, but he doesn't know if it's okay with you. Of course! Who would want to kiss their roommate even without having any romantic relationship?

"I may be drunk, Channie. But I tend to remember the things I say and do when I'm drunk." You muttered and stared at him. When he didn't answer, you continued speaking, telling him the most kept secret you feel about him.

"You know, I do believe that drunk minds speak sober thoughts, and don't worry, I don't feel like I'll regret doing this tomorrow, because I really wanted to tell you that I like you, heck, maybe I already love you, Channie." You finally said it, feeling those weird things happening inside you again. And the goddamn heartbeat that goes fast, whenever he's near with you.

You can see how his face lightens up at the moment, you were never sure about body language, but you felt like he does feel the same.

"Can… Can I kiss you?" Chan was hesitating to ask this, but now that you already told him what you feel, he tried his luck, and when you nodded your head and squeezed his hand. Not wanting to say any words, because you don't trust yourself enough now.

You can feel his face inching closer with yours, his warm breath that smells like the alcohol you just drank. His breath, his gaze, the proximity, and the situation makes you even more drunk. And your mind blanks as soon as you feel his lips plant on yours.

So this is how his lips felt like.

It was so soft, just how you always thought of it, it was like caressing your skin. The fact that your lips were chapped didn't make you conscious because all you were thinking is that, you felt those feelings again, but ten times stronger and it you were fully aware that it was Chan kissing you.

You can feel yourself slowly melting into the kiss. It was pure delight, and you must admit that you never felt this way before. Too grateful that you were feeling this way with Chan and not every other guy.

You can feel his hands moving to your nape, guiding your head carefully as he leaned in more, feeling his lips move oh so slowly as if he was afraid to break you.

Chan finally pulls out, his eyes still closed as he catches his breath, his cheeks dusted with a shade of pink.

His hands never let go of you, as he planted it on your cheeks, making you lean on his touch. You too, were speechless for a bit as you catch your breath, also making it as an excuse for what you just felt, still shy to admit that you were indeed in love with Chan, even though you just voiced it out a few minutes ago.

"So…" Chan started. He was still ecstatic by the fact that she reciprocates the same feelings. His mind went haywire when they finally shared an intimate moment together. A feeling that Chan only dreamt of, not expecting it to happen in real life.

It was like Y/n is a dream come true.

Chan's hand wrapped around yours once again, molding it with yours as if it was meant to be there. You shared a minute of staring at each other before Chan managed to speak.

"You don't have to worry, Channie. Didn't you know you're likeable? I bet every girls you met had a crush on you, but I am the one blessed, I guess." You chuckled. You were certain, with this attractive face and a beau ideal of a boyfriend, Chan had unconsciously made every girls at his beck and call.

"I'm so happy to know you feel that way, because honestly? I feel the same way for you. I was afraid I am the only one harboring feelings but here you are." He shrugged and plant a peck on your knuckles.

"So.. Does this mean we're dating now?" Chan said once he pulled out of the kiss, again running out of breath. There's something about feeling your lips against his makes him want to go more.

Maybe it was because of the alcohol, or pure adoration, or it can be both but you felt yourself leaning closer to Chan until you felt his lips against yours.

Someone like Chan was the person you ever wish to share a romantic relationship yet the one you didn't expect to come. He's too good to be true. But you love it, and you'll make sure not to let it out of your grasp.

"Come on, isn't it obvious?" You chuckled while he just shrugged and hugged you, making you surprised, but relaxed eventually. He's so warm, just like how you always thought about him.

"Okay, so are you in for an outdoor date tomorrow? I may love what we have here, but I wanted to go out and spend my time with you besides going to the grocery store." Chan said, making you chuckle. He's not wrong. You went out with him several times now, but it was all for the sake of groceries.

Having to spend time outside on a winter day with Chan? Nothing gets better than that.

"Of course. I would love to spend a day with you outside, on a winter day."

[makingqueerhistory]

People using black trans women to make a point (and usually be really shitty) is a real problem.... got told at a ballroom event by a cis fucking white gay man that I "was biologically female" and that out of respect for the black trans women who created ballroom, I should "know to stay in my place" (I was literally just gently correcting him on the use of pronouns to address me, and he went on a rant about boohoo afab trans people are so mean for not wanting to be seen as women boohoo denaturing ballroom by existing in it). And like its not the only time I've witnessed this kind of bs in irl queer spaces... How dare these people use black trans women to justify their shitty behavior. I think they would have wanted you to shut up and stay in your place, actually.

This sounds like an awful experience and really makes it clear that the more we glorify historical figures, the more people will use them as tools rather than seeing them as people.

This way of thinking really feels like an unexpected result of the demand to stop talking about uncomfortable aspects and people from queer history. It comes to the point where the good people can't just be good people, they have to be saints, martyrs, gods, images of perfection, and if they are all those things, using their names is enough to validate any point a person tries to make.

Marsha P. Johnson can't just be a transgender woman, who was imperfect, but did her best to support the community around her; she has to be the progenitor of the queer community and the reason that any queer person has rights.

Oscar Wilde can't just be a deeply flawed anti-Semitic man, he has to be the epitome of the dandy archetype who led the way for all queer men. Of course, if we acknowledge his bigotry and imperfections, that means we must ignore the moments where he did get things right, and how, deserved or not, his name and legacy have served the queer community in positive ways.

Then there is Walt Whitman. A queer poet who has meant so much to me personally, and was racist. He has deeply impacted the roots of the queer community in both Europe and North America, and those roots are tainted by racism. There are letters from other queer heroes of mine, telling him how he taught them how to love themselves and be queer at the same time. My other favourite poet Langston Hughes also loved Walt Whitman's work. None of this erases the racism.

If I wanted to justify my love for Walt Whitman, Langston Hughes could become a tool to do so. An incredible Black poet who shaped my understanding of compassion could become just a name to use to win points.

Having all these stories in my head can be difficult, I have written around 150+ of these articles now. To be vulnerable for a moment, a part of the reason I went to therapy for the first time was because I was beginning to experience second-hand trauma from some of the things I have seen and learned. But I love these stories, I love them so much. Queer history is not a tool, or a trump card, or a point in your progressive bingo, it is a series of stories, a web of truths, and a legacy of imperfection that is just waiting to be explored. So seeing people use them, use these full massive intertwining stories, with no love, no respect, no care, can be incredibly disheartening.

When looking into history, the whole truth can feel like an impossible goal. So many things are lost over time and misinformation has won out over fact more times than we like to think about. But we can do our best, and look for reality beyond the fiction, and some people will still choose fiction, but truth is the antidote, and I believe it can always be found.

[loveisonaroll]

Go With the Flow

Josh Kiszka x f!reader

Warning(s): pregnancy talk; serious labor and delivery complications; mentions of death; arguing; little angst; fluff

Summary: A change in your birth plan sends Josh into a nervous wreck.

Word Count: 2.1K

________________________________

“No. Absolutely not, end of discussion.”

Josh waived you off and crossed his arms as he turned towards the kitchen. You were 28 weeks pregnant, and you had just told Josh that your birth plan had changed to be a home water birth. You had found the perfect doula, spoken to your doctor of how it was going to work, and written out a comprehensive plan with both of them. Josh’s dismissal was not only disheartening, but it was infuriating. 

You angrily stormed into the kitchen behind him, turning off the sink faucet before he could start rinsing the small amount of dishes left from your lunch. 

“What do you mean ‘no’? We had already decided on a water birth, why can’t we do it in the comfort of our own home?” 

“Y/N, we decided on a water birth. In a hospital. Where there are doctors and equipment and means of help if something were to—God forbid—go wrong.”

“Babe, Dr. Harrnet will be here with us, and you have got to meet Kayla, the doula. She’s perfect and had some really great advice already. You would really li—”

“You can’t just change everything without discussing it with me, Y/N! Dr. Harrnet was also the one who told you this could be a really difficult pregnancy if you weren’t careful,” Josh cut you off, running a hand through his curls in frustration. 

“Yeah, well I have been careful! And I discussed it again with Dr. Harrnet and Kayla at the last appointment, you know, when you weren’t around last week.”

As soon as it came out of your mouth you regretted it. You knew he had been basically forced by his brothers to leave you for a few days to get some recording done. He tried his hardest not to miss any appointments, and each time he called you immediately after for updates. This last appointment, though, he had been too busy recording that day, and deep down you knew this was a discussion better left to have face-to-face. 

Josh’s eyes narrowed, and you could practically see the puff of air escape his mouth as he scoffed and rolled his eyes to mask his obvious hurt.

“You know better than anyone in this fucking world that I would have rather been right there with you checking in on our baby. Don’t do that to me when I’m just trying to get you to see the danger to you and the baby if you gave birth at home. There are so many unknowns.”

There were many unknowns, you had to admit, right down to the gender of the baby. You and your sibling’s gender had been a secret until birth, and both Josh and you thought it would be exciting to hold on to that tradition. But other things about your birth created an atmosphere of concern, and you knew this is what Josh was referring to. Your mother had had pre-eclampsia that turned into full blown eclampsia during both of her pregnancies, and other complications when you were born had led to her having to be resuscitated. Your mother always joked about it, saying raising you almost killed her for the second time, but the reality of her harsh pregnancy and delivery didn’t go unnoticed by you or Josh. 

“Baby, I’m sorry. I know you would have been there if you could have. But we talked about it, and my blood pressure has stayed steady and normal so far. Plus, it was over 26 years ago when Momma had me, technology and knowledge about how to have healthy natural births at home have really upgraded,” You soothed, grabbing his hand to place a gentle kiss to his knuckles. He sighed, leaning against the countertop and pulling his hand gently out of your grasp to cross his arms across his chest once again. 

“I know that. But that doesn’t change the fact that is something went wrong we would have to either call and wait for an ambulance or try to make it to the hospital ourselves. I’m just worried, Y/N. Remember when your cousin had to have an emergency c-section with the last one because her blood pressure soared during labor? I suppose we should just cut you open on our bed, get knew linens afterwards?”

“Joshua, that’s one of the most ridiculous things you have ever said to me. And Jenna had high blood pressure almost her whole pregnancy, not just during labor. Mine hasn’t even spiked!”

“Not yet!” He harshly ran a hand through his curls again. 

“Baby, it’s not an end-all, be-all. This plan can still change, and Dr. Harrnet made it clear to me that if she saw something even the slightest bit off, she would make us change it back to a hospital water birth,” you explained, grabbing at his sides and bending slightly to look up into his downcast eyes. “But I really want to try this, and I have been trying my hardest to do everything right and stay as healthy as possible to be able to do it. Will you at least just look at the plan with me? And if there’s anything you are uncomfortable with we can talk about it.”

Josh finally sighed and engulfed you in a warm embrace, burying his head in your neck. “I’m just scared, mama. I can’t even fathom losing you and having to do any of this without you.”

“I know, baby, but you won’t. I’m not going anywhere. Like I said, Dr. Harrnet is going to be monitoring me closely, and if anything looks even a little off, we will change the whole thing. But I think it would be more comfortable to do it all here. Plus,” you explained, pulling back to look Josh in the face, “I think our family would be more comfortable in our living room than in a stiff hospital waiting room.”

Josh grinned and kissed the tip of your nose. “You’re right, it’ll be like Superbowl Sunday party,” he laughed. “And I do kind of like the thought of them being just a few feet away.”

“Exactly. I just want to be comfortable, and I can’t think of a more comfortable or natural way of giving birth than in a kiddie pool in our bedroom.”

Josh laughed again, kissing you on your cheek. “Okay. I kind of like the sound of that. There’s something so intimate and organic about it. But you have to promise me, mama, that if something is off and Dr. Harrnet believes we need to switch back to having the baby in the hospital, we do that without argument.”

“Of course, baby. I wouldn’t risk me or the baby in that way. I promise,” you affirmed, holding out your pinky for Josh to take hold. When he did, you kissed his cheek and pulled his arm back towards the living room. “Now, let’s forget about the dishes and look at all the cool stuff Kayla left with me!”

----

A few short months later, your house was full of people you loved and your doula and doctor helped Josh fill up a pool in your bedroom in preparation for the birth of your baby. 

“Y/N, sweetheart, do you want some water?” Karen called from the kitchen, noticing your empty glass in front of where you were perched clutching your bump on the couch. 

“No, I think I’m okay for now.” You took a sharp breath in when a contraction hit, gritting your teeth as you grasped on to the coffee table. Josh’s and your brothers eyed you incredulously, and you let out a groan. “Would you people quit staring at me? Ever seen a lady have a baby?”

They awkwardly chuckled and busied themselves otherwise while you grabbed onto your mother’s outstretched hand.

“You okay, baby girl? They should be done setting things up pretty soon.”

You looked up into your mother’s kind eyes and smiled slightly. “Yeah, I sure hope so. I’m about ready to get this thing out of me.”

She chuckled, and the two of you turned to see Josh make his reappearance into the room.

“The tub’s all ready, honey. Kayla said we should get you into something more comfortable so you are ready when the time comes.”

You looked at your mother with a little panic in your eyes. The contractions were becoming closer and closer together, and you knew it was nearing showtime, but reality struck you in that moment. You were about to push out a whole ass baby.

Your mother noticed your panic right away and pressed her forehead against yours. “You are so much stronger than you think, baby. You can do this, you’ve prepared for this, and you have a great husband that will be there right along with you. I’m so excited to meet this little baby.”

You closed your teary eyes and let out a breathy laugh. “Thank you, Momma. You’re right. I got this.”

You hadn’t noticed Josh approach the two of you until you saw his outstretched hand and looked up into his gentle eyes. 

“Let’s go have a baby, my baby.” 

You grabbed Josh’s hand and he led you into your shared bedroom. He helped you take off your clothes, leaving you in just your sports bra and a fluffy robe. The two of you went over more details with Dr. Harnett and Kayla, and then Josh put on your favorite Don Williams record, something your mother and you had listened to often when you were a child. He was so attentive, holding you through the pain and giving you space when you lashed out, all with a look of awe as he watched you. 

For the next hour or so, labor progressed quickly, and it was time to get in the tub. Baby was already on their way, and the pain was immeasurable. 

“Okay, Y/N, it’s time to get in the water and start pushing. The baby is crowning,” Dr. Harnett explained, patting you on the back as you lean over the edge of your bed. 

“Come on, baby. Let’s get in the water,” Josh cooed, grabbing onto your hand and brushing stray hairs out of your face. 

“Josh, I want my mom,” you say, desperately pleading with watery eyes for him to get her. 

“Okay, baby let me go get her. I will be right back and then we are getting into that tub.” He softly pecked your forehead and raced out of the room towards the living room.

In less than a minute, Josh was back with your mother. You let out a short sigh of relief that was quickly replaced by an exasperated breath as another contraction ripped through you. Josh and your mother gently guided you to the tub and you settled down between Josh’s legs, grabbing onto his hands and leaning your body into his. 

“Okay, Y/N, it’s time to push. I want you to push until we count to ten, okay? One, two…” Dr. Harnett began coaching you through labor as Josh whispered words of encouragement into your ear. 

You continued to push for what seemed like hours, and you fell back into Josh’s chest with resignation. 

“Come on Y/N, you are almost there, baby’s head is almost all the way out,” Dr. Harrnet called. 

“I can’t do it anymore,” you sobbed, your body exhausted.

“Yes you can, sweetheart, you’ve got this. Remember what I said, you are so much stronger than you think.” Your mother wiped at the hair stuck to your face with sweat, caressing your face as you finally looked up at her, your face screwed up in pain and emotion. 

From behind you, Josh was holding one of your hands and his other hand was gently rubbing at your waist beneath the water. “Come on baby, you are almost there. You are so strong; your body is an absolute wonder. You have carried our baby for nine months, and you are giving birth exactly how you planned it. All you have to do is push a little longer and you get to see the fruits of your labor, the hard work you have put in to prepare for this will be rewarded with a sweet little baby. I know you can do it. I love you so much. I’m right here with you.”

You closed your eyes and took a deep breath, nodding your head against Josh’s chest. “That’s my girl, let’s do this.”

A couple more pushes and Dr. Harrnet was reaching down to pull a baby out of the water beneath you to place on your chest. You let out a watery chuckle as you and Josh looked down at your brand-spanking new baby, Josh’s hands snaking around you to hold on to you both.

“It’s a girl!”

--------------

I hope you guys liked this! I won't be on here super often, but I needed a little relief from studying for the bar exam. Tonight is my "off" night, and I need to get my daydreams out of my head before they start creeping into study time (lol)

Thanks for reading! - Alli

[distopea]

It was quite difficult for Gabriele to see how things might go from now on. He still felt paranoid regarding her true intentions, and the fact that she might be a very well-thought honey trap for any enemy of the Cleaners, but he had to admit that if it was the case, she was a good actress. She was perfecting innocence and sorrow, her sudden change of attitude definitely palpable. If he had truly hurt her feelings, he felt a little bit sorry, but surely he couldn’t allow himself to believe she might not be dangerous in the first place. He had never been good with small talks either, uncomfortable regarding a potential oversharing of emotions that were not welcomed in his line of work. 

“They are perhaps suited for many people… I’m not really comfortable talking about myself in general. You probably have more manners and codes than I would ever have, so I apologize for my apparent rudeness. I tend to feel at ease in silence.”  He could see that she was disheartened regarding his reaction, but it was hard for Gabriele to perceive her true intentions and he was also very impatient. He didn’t like to wait whenever he wasn’t sure about his safety, which only increased a paranoia induced by his numerous years as an undercover agent. 

He observed her for a second, before he tried to figure out what could be shared so he wouldn’t be seen as someone too rude. If indeed she was the daughter of this politician, perhaps he needed at least a bit of effort so he would stay in good grace with this family. He sighed again, before he engaged in a rather short conversation. He still kept his distance with her, standing in a corner of the room, patiently waiting for her father to come. 

“I can’t say much regarding my title or my position in society, but I can assure you that I don’t have evil intentions towards your father.” Mentioning his affiliation to the police department could increase her fear, so he decided to keep that detail for himself. He glanced at the door, then at the shelves inside the office. Maybe there were cameras to observe them? “That’s very kind of you to be worried, but I do believe he knows what he’s doing and if he doesn’t, I’ll guide him in the right direction, I can assure you.” He paused, trying to find a topic that could distract her from her current negative emotions. 

God, it was awful. He really hated that situation. He never felt at ease whenever someone was exposing how scared and worried they were; because he had no solution for that and he wasn’t good at reassuring people. It was no wonder why she was kept away from political affairs; she seemed too young, and too immature to handle it properly. Yet, he still needed to try something while he was here. “Does your father receive a lot of people from different backgrounds? It seems that you’re used to keeping them waiting while he might be busy.” He eventually asked, as he offered, for once, a polite smile.

His reluctance was clearly visible. Even for her. Nunnally did not intend to pry into his personal matters, and perhaps apart from her questions about her father, she did not consider her questions as such. These were normal questions people asked. And talked about. At least people she knew. But the man in front of her was like no-one she had ever met. Nunnally suddenly considered herself to be impolite, and that was the last she wanted. But at the same time, she felt irritated. Annoyed. No-one had ever wanted to tell her anything; always keeping her away as if she was a child. And she was not anymore! She wanted to become a part of the world that her father was in, but obviously that would not be happening. At least not anytime soon.

When Gabriele declined the drink, Nunnally decided she could not ignore it anymore. She was doing that way too long anyway, and that was a path to nowhere. She also knew the man was lying. Perhaps not intentionally, perhaps he just did not know her father long enough. If her father expected that be a five-minute talk, with no follow-up and no further cooperation, this man would never had been invited here, to their home in the first place. Meetings like that were scheduled in the office. If he was here, he or his matter were considered important. And she knew her father started something important. She heard rumours. No matter what the man thought about her, she could be quiet and observant. And it helped that many of the staff considered her a naïve child. She was able to get bits and make a story. Though she seemed not to be getting anything from this man. Which was even more worrying for her. Her good mood had disappeared as quickly as it seemed to appear earlier. Not that it was there to trick the man. Although he might be thinking so… Or perhaps simply considered her a child.

Nunnally walked towards the window and looked outside. Ever since she was a little girl, a girl truly unwanted by her mother, she had always found comfort in this room alone.

“I, indeed, apologize.” – she stated seriously – “It was not my intention to ask you personal questions. I…I consider them suitable for the small talk we were just about to have. People usually feel comfortable talking about their families and jobs. I am sorry I made you feel uncomfortable.” - yes, she was curious about him. His words, his actions made him even more interesting in the girl’s eyes, but he obviously was not curious about her. 

“My father should be here soon enough. Ten perhaps fifteen minutes. That would be my rough estimate, but if you’d like I can try to find out.” – she sighed – “I would assume, they would not let you wait here, if my father were to be significantly late. But if he is with the Prime Minister, it…it might become unpredictable.” – was she disclosing any secrets to him? Nunnally did not think so. It was a public knowledge both men were friends since childhood, and they would often appear together in press coverage. And since her father was a part of the government…

A strange thought, or perhaps realization hit Nunnally. She turned around to face the Gabriele. Her voice was concerned, perhaps even scared, when she talked: --

“I know there is something going on. Not sure what…but you…you are like no-one I have ever seen here…”

A pause…no, that did not make any sense.

“Anyway, please take care of my dad. He would hate me saying so, but he is all I have left.”

[the-lone-witch-and-secret-room]

Camila Noceda and Flawed Parenting

A perspective by a flawed person with loving but extremely flawed parents

I’m genuinely baffled at some people’s hostile reaction towards Camila. Like… do any of you have flawless parents that always know the best solution instantly, make no mistakes and never get emotional?

My parents are great. They’re super supportive and I love them very, very much. Overall I think I got very lucky in the parents department.

But god, they are far from flawless. I still live at home, and despite all the good, there’s moments when I can’t take my dad anymore. He’s the kind of dad that stayed up until two am to help me with homework when I was in school, and he does so, so many things to make sure I’m happy. I know that. But despite all of this, I have told my mom in emotional moments before that I’m not sure if I can keep living with him, because for all his good sides, he has a couple of fatal flaws that sometimes make him unbearable.

My mom listens to me and is very open to being educated on certain topics, but she has her flaws, too. She hates when I fight with my dad, and gets so torn up about it that I’ve once apologized to my dad out of fear of her getting into a car crash otherwise. She’s very vocal about certain flaws of mine, and sometimes uses the things she does for me as leverage against me when she gets very emotional.

And both of my parents pay a lot more attention to my brother because he needs it more, because he’s more of a “problem child” while I “seem so capable” even when I’m not.

And guess what? I’m not a perfect child. I make mistakes sometimes, some of them pretty severe. Just like Luz, I’m the kind of person that struggles to communicate certain issues of mine to her parents. I’m stubborn, and when I get emotional, I say very hurtful things sometimes. So do they.

And this has nothing to do with my parents being horrible or abusive. They’re neither of those things.

The takeaway from this should not be that my entire family is made up of terrible people, but that we’re all flawed in our own ways, despite loving each other and trying our best. There’s things about my parents I wish I could change, and there are things about me that my parents wish they could change. And to an extent, that’s perfectly normal.

In our strengths and flaws and frustration with each other, we’re all human.

Specific, spoiler-y Camila and Luz things under the cut since this got very long.

We have no indication that Camila has a pattern of emotionally manipulating Luz. Her “emotional manipulation” as I’ve seen some people put it, is people for some reason thinking that the second you become an adult, you’re suddenly perfect and can no longer make mistakes, lest you’ll be dubbed horrible and abusive.

The whole concept is absurd to me. There is no perfect way to parent. There simply isn’t. Of course, there’s some genuinely abusive patterns that are horrible and inexcusable. But out of the parenting styles that aren’t, which one works depends on a number of factors, one of which absolutely includes that every child is different and has different needs. Camila is an amazing parent for Vee, giving the kid everything she’s ever longed for. She’s not an ideal parent for Luz. And that’s because Luz and Vee have fundamentally different needs.

Likewise, Luz is a pretty great child for Eda, but not a perfect fit for Camila. Luz relates to Eda a lot more than she relates to her mom, and that’s why the two of them have an easier time understanding each other. Both of these mother-child relationships exist, and one is not more doomed to fail than the other, but I think you’ll agree that the better you understand someone and where they’re coming from, the easier it is to communicate, pick up on certain signs, etc.

As mom and daughter, Camila and Luz are both flawed and have issues seeing the other’s perspective because of how different they are. And we should simultaneously acknowledge both of their roles in the issue and give both of them the space to learn and grow past those issues.

Luz struggles to communicate her problems. She doesn’t want to burden people in the demon realm, and it’s a given that this started out as not wanting to burden her mom. So she keeps quiet about her issues. Camila tries hard but can’t read her daughter’s mind, so there’s only so much she can do to understand and help the way Luz needs her to. Hell, Eda, who Luz is a lot more open with than her mom, struggles to help her, because Luz doesn’t tell her what’s wrong. I don’t see anyone calling Eda a terrible mom for that.

Camila tries her best, but she struggles to understand her daughter because of this, and because of how fundamentally different they are. She loves Luz’s creativity, we actively see her supporting it in the new episode—she keeps the weird stuff Luz made because she thinks Luz will regret throwing it away, and even plays along in what she assumes to be some elaborate role play because “she’s glad Luz kept her creativity even though it’s not made things easy for her at school”. But at the beginning of the show, said creativity got out of hand and people got hurt. Luz could’ve gotten hurt. So of course Camila had to interfere. I love Luz dearly, but she thought it was okay to bring snakes to school and set off fireworks inside a school building. Creativity is great. Doing reckless stuff that causes people to get hurt is not.

In sending Luz to camp, Camila tried to have someone else fix her issue because she didn’t know how to help Luz. That was a mistake, and a bad one at that, but she’s realizing that. She looks disheartened when Vee tries to throw out Luz’s stuff, because she never meant to change her daughter or take that part of her away. She just thought Luz needed a reality check—which, for the record, is something the narrative actually agrees with.

Luz spends her time in the demon realm getting reality check after reality check, realizing that even her ideal fantasy world where she has everything she always wanted doesn’t mean she’s free of consequences. She goes overboard constantly, causing:

-Eda to be forced to fly into a trap because Luz is chasing a fantasy (Witches before Wizards)

-Eda to almost be branded by her sister because Luz doesn’t think through why Eda doesn’t use magic to publicly announce her presence constantly (Once Upon a Swap)

-Eda and the twins to get kidnapped by a Slitherbeast because Luz stole Amity’s wand (Adventures in the Elements)

-Her friends to get hurt when she goes overboard trying to help Willow (Wing it like Witches)

-Eda to be captured and almost petrified because Luz thought she could just steal from the Emperor with no consequences in an attempt to help (Agony of a Witch)

I’m like 90% sure these aren’t even all. None of those make her a terrible person, for the record, but as all humans are, she is flawed and makes bad choices. She learns from these experiences and matures, just like her mom had hoped she would at camp. She’s also made friends there, which was another thing Camila wanted for her daughter.

You’ll probably realize that a lot of Luz’s behaviors I mentioned follow one of two patterns: 1. Luz’s idealized fantasy world causing problems, when she walks around with rose tinted glasses and gets people in trouble in the process because she hasn’t thought about the consequences, and 2. Luz trying to help someone she loves, but instead making things worse in the progress. The issue with this one is often that she doesn’t communicate her ideas/listen to the people she’s trying to help—like when Willow and Gus said they’ve had enough of Grudgby, or how she never actually talks to Eda about the healing hat idea before doing something reckless.

…does the latter one sound familiar to you at all? No? Because it’s the exact same thing that Camila did.

Some of the things Luz does are reckless and actively endanger others and herself, and that’s something that I think we need to acknowledge before judging Camila. As Luz’s mom, it’s Camila’s job to interfere in those situations. That she made a mistake while trying to protect Luz doesn’t make her a terrible person, especially as, again, the narrative proves her right to an extent.

I’m not saying her making Luz promise to come back and stay isn’t something that hurt Luz—it absolutely is. But it was born out of desperation. She’s emotional and in shock. She’s so full of pain and regret. She just wants her fourteen year old daughter home safe, and there’s nothing abusive or even morally ambiguous about that.

From Luz’s perspective, what she says is absolutely heartbreaking, but from Camila’s, it’s perfectly reasonable. I doubt Camila has the full picture, but even if she does, she’s had a full fifteen seconds to process that her daughter has not only been lying to her for months, but chose to leave her, and is in the demon realm of all places. Of course she’d be emotional and upset about that! Who wouldn’t? Camila isn’t a robot. If she’d been calm about this I’d be way more concerned, honestly.

My parents don’t get mad that easily, but if I would lie to them for weeks on end, they’d be pissed off too, not even taking the running away from home part into account. That’s a normal thing. People don’t like being lied to. Camila is absolutely devastated in that moment because she’s scared that Luz left because she hates her, when Luz actively states that her leaving wasn’t about her mom—which is another thing we should really be acknowledging.

Abusive parents suck and abuse should obviously never be apologized or trivialized, but saying something hurtful in the heat of the moment isn’t the same thing as being an abusive parent. My parents have done this. I’ve done this. And yes, those things can be emotionally manipulative, but there’s a huge difference in whether that’s a habit or a person speaking out of hurt and desperation in a very specific context. I doubt there’s anyone on the entire planet that hasn’t had a bad moment where they’ve said something like this because they were hurting. People lash out when they hurt, and they beg for reassurance when they’re scared. That’s something we all do.

The whole mindset of “all parents have to be perfect and can never get upset or make any mistakes” is harmful as hell, and honestly also very unrealistic. No parent is perfect, and especially people like me who have a relationship with their parents that’s very good overall should know that.

Once you have a child, parenting is a non-stop learning process, every day for the rest of your life. Taking away that room to grow and expecting perfection isn’t helping anyone, especially not struggling single parents.

And I see Camila as someone who is very willing to learn, because at the end of the day, all she wants is for Luz to be happy. Let’s give her some time to wrap her head around this whole situation. Let’s see what she says once she sees for herself how happy Luz is in that world, may it be via the videos eventually coming through or Camila visiting and meeting Luz’s found family, her friends and her girlfriend.

Ultimately, I don’t think Camila will force Luz to stay at home, but we have to give her some time. She wants what’s best for Luz, and she’s gonna need some convincing that a dangerous magical world is what’s best. I feel like that’s very normal considering the circumstances.

Her and Luz need to work on their communication on both ends, they both have things to learn, but I’m certain they’ll manage to fix their relationship in the long run.

If the bunk bed is any indication, I think Vee is gonna stay in the human realm permanently while Luz sleeps at home but keeps attending Hexside in the daytime. That feels like a solution that keeps everyone happy, and allows Luz to spend time with all the people she loves. I can’t see her being forced to choose at the end.

As a closing statement: Eda isn’t an ideal mom, Amity isn’t an ideal friend or girlfriend and neither is Luz, Lilith isn’t an ideal sister… but that’s because no one is ever an ideal anything. Being flawed is a big part of being human. Everyone has different facets to their personality. Their flaws are what makes them such great, relatable, believable characters.

And I feel the same way about Camila. She’s an extremely believable character that reminds me of my own parents, flawed but very loving nonetheless.

(Also honestly, I think it’s pretty telling that some of you guys immediately bash the black single mom that’s obviously trying her hardest while giving the benefit of the doubt to Alador, who has been portrayed as neglecting and threatened his six year old daughter on screen. This was already a thing before we knew much about either of them, and I’m disappointed but unfortunately not very surprised that it still is.)

[ridiculously-over-obsessed]

Hey! Im kind of new to the fandom, could you possibly recommend any bechloe completed fanfics? thankyou!

Hello lovely!! Welcome to the fandom, if you're looking for a super gay time you're definitely in the right fandom 🤣🤣

I can certainly rec a few for you that are completed, there are some INSANELY talented writers in this fandom, honestly I'm forever in awe of and humbled by the talent around me 🥺 but I will say don't limit yourself to completed fics!! Yes, it is disheartening to read fics that haven't been updated in eons, but as a writer with lots of wips on the go, and knowing writers with lots of wips on the go, I know that there is very little that is as encouraging as someone reading a fic that you haven't finished yet and telling you what they think of the journey so far, it's amazing 😍🥺💖

ANYWAY, here are a few fics that I absolutely adore and are completed, I hope you enjoy them as much as I did!!!

The Monster Within by aca_bechloe47

To the outside world, Beca Mitchell was a loving big sister and the personal assistant to the CEO of Nightline Clubs Inc. Luke Matthews. But behind the scenes, the truth was far more sinister. In the dark of the night, Beca took on the alias of Titanium, the assassin. Soon the security of her secret begins to fall apart and the truth threatens to rear it's ugly head. Will Beca be able to protect her sister and her friends? Will the truth of what happened to her parents cause Beca's world to fall apart even further? Will the officers Beale and Posen have the bust of their careers, or will they find themselves in danger of The Assassins Guild of Atlanta?

(I literally recommend this fic to EVERYONE skljgdlfg it's my favourite bechloe fic of all time, I re-read it all the time, I forgot what their tumblr url is which is TRAGIC but yes, read this!!)

Home Is A Person by @massivedrickhead

Beca has been in the foster care system since she was a baby, and she’s never had anywhere she could call home.

She arrives at the Beale’s home just hoping for a safe place to stay until she turns 18.

For Chloe’s part, she had never gotten behind her parents’ need to foster kids. And despite outward appearances, she hadn’t felt at home here since she was a kid.

(Hands down one of the best bechloe fics in existence I cannot with this fic it owns my heartttt 🥺 also just read anything and everything that massivedrickhead puts out, seriously it's all incredible)

pieces by @suituuup

Five years ago, Chloe dropped off the face of the Earth. Beca didn't expect to see her again dancing in a strip club, out of all places.

(HOLY FUCK I swear to god I still think about this fic weekly, it's so fucking good and the EMOTIONS and the ROLLERCOASTER omgggggg 😩😍 again, read anything and everything by suituuup because she's not only a lovely person but an incredible writer too)

barriers by swanqueenfic13

So this is a little fic I've been working on in which Beca meets Chloe at an LA Pride parade, but fate keeps bringing them back together. In the face of a tragedy, Beca has to learn to let down her walls and rely on others. (IDK I'm bad at summaries just give it a chance)

(Oh the feels in this fic, god we love to see them being a safe place for the other it makes me so freaking soft man 🥺🥺🥺 be wary of the content warnings for this one though!!!)

Sing To Me Instead by @pocketdragon

A series of Bechloe one shots and short-form stories inspired by the tracklist from Ben Platt's 'Sing to me Instead' album.

(Okay yes, this is a serious of fics but hear me out kldjklfdjgdf they are all AMAZING, the variety of emotions I go through reading this series I cannot deal, and honestly if you haven't listened to either of Ben Platt's albums go do it, I promise you will not regret it kldfjglkdf)

Paint Your Colours Over Mine by @snowydot

Chloe is used to the colors, and she knows they will never leave. It hadn’t occurred to her that, for Beca, they weren’t really there.

(No okay, you want softness??? Go read this, it makes me very emotional and I melt every goddamn time, Ginny is not only the sweetest person but such a talented writer, you really should read this fic)

i get a feeling, looking you in the eye by @chloebeale

The USO tour came at the right time for Beca, right after quitting her job and needing a distraction. But what about a distraction from her best friend? Who just happens to be sitting by the pool in the middle of the night when Beca is struggling to sleep...

(my beloved E rated Ellie has MANY fics you should read, hell just read them all, seriously I'm so lucky to be her best friend, I am a better person and writer just from being around her. I could have picked so many of her fics to recommend to you, but I picked this one because (a) it's so freaking good, and (b) it is the birthplace of Beca Pigchill and I will adore it forever for that kdfjglkdfjd)

Happy reading anon!!! 😍🥰💖

[yhwhsdaughter]

pairing: trevor belmont x fem reader

content: forced vampirism, monster slaying, main character death, pining, angst, mention of animal death, usage of the word ‘assault’ to refer vampires feeding on reader

- this was meant as platonic soulmates but it can be seen as romantic too

“It hurts…”

Feet dragging across the rocky ground, you heard screeches of pain from behind, though they soon diminished. You could only focus on the pulsing sensation at the side of your neck; it was like fire rushing through your veins.

Preoccupied with your agony, Belmont was able to sneak up. He raised his whip, ready to kill off the last of the creatures when you suddenly turned, and with glossy eyes you said, “Help me…”

The whip managed to leave a thin horizontal line across your cheek as he pulled back, causing blood to drip out slowly. Now illuminated by the moon, Belmont saw the damage on you. Skin exposed by the ripped clothes showed multiple bite marks. Blood stained the corner of your lips.

She’s been infected..

Belmont didn’t see a monster but a scared woman who’d just been assaulted by vampires. He knew what she’d turn into, but he couldn’t kill her… not when she looked at him like this. Sunrise was approaching so he had to act fast.

Draping his cloak onto your form, Belmont proceeded to carry you into the nearest building, which so happened to be where the carnage had occurred. Upon recognizing the place, you began to panic, shaking and looking at him with distrust. “You’re safe. I killed every last of those bloodsuckers.”

The two of you stayed like that for a while, in that shitty stinking room. Eventually tiredness overcame your senses; Belmont felt weight settle on his shoulder. He wonder how a vampire could look so innocent whilst sleeping.

“Hungry…”

You felt parched; it felt like your throat had dried up, barely able to utter a word.

“I know.”

A rabbit was placed in front of you. Blinking at it, you directed a confused glance at the man. “I’m—this is.. for me?” He nodded. Taking the animal with traces of disgust, you raised it to your mouth. Blood gushed into your mouth; feeding made a horrible slurping that would certainly haunt you but there was relief amongst those troubling feelings.

You gulped every last drop, draining the poor creature of its life. Still, your hunger and thirst weren’t satiated. Biting your lip, you pondered on the next move. Because this man had saved you, daring to kill him or even feed off him seemed… rude. Not to mention, he seemed way stronger than you in terms of experience. Prior to this, you were a regular citizen. Maybe you could run away?

“Here.”

Trevor could see your turmoil. Most vampires needed to drain at least one human every time they fed—if they were being generous. They could survive weeks without blood but it made them weaker. Besides, it was older vampires who had this kind of self control. Newborns tended to be more unstable.

“Just take it before I change my mind.”

You did as told, though you were still unsure. Hesitating, you licked your lips before nearing towards the vein on his wrist.

Trevor let out a grunt when your fangs pierced him. Although you tried to be gentle, it was an uncomfortable feeling nonetheless. As he became lightheaded and you full, the mouth that was attached to his wrist removed itself with a ‘pop’.

After making sure he was alright, you asked for his name. “Trevor. Trevor Belmont.”

“Oh..”

“……”

“Oh! I’m (Name) (Surname).”

─── ☾☼☽ ───

“It’s dangerous.”

“I still-still want to go!”

The last remnants of sun were gone. Ever since your first encounter with the rugged monster hunter, you refused to part from him, following the latter like a lost puppy.

“I’m not much of a fighter.. b-but watch this!”

On cue, you punched the nearest tree, cracking it and making a sizable hole. You looked back proudly towards Trevor; except when you tried to pull your hand out, you were having difficulty.

“Ah. It’s stuck.”

Trevor couldn’t help but chuckle, walking away, clearly amused with your display of power. You pulled harder, “Hold on! Don’t leave me alone! It’s scary..” you muttered the last part while chasing after him. Despite being a creature of the night, the world and its evils still frightened you.

At the sound of a branch snapping, you yelped, grabbing a piece of Trevor’s cloak for security.

It shouldn’t have come as a surprise to Belmont when you punched a head clean off, practically decapitating one of the attackers. He might have been seriously injured if you had not intervened.

“Trevor.”

Gazing at you under the moonlight, he saw the hunger in your eyes as you held a man whom was still alive but struggling. His neck was exposed. Even so, you waited.

The Belmont turned away, giving you privacy to feed.

He knew that by allowing you to live, you would continue to take blood from others. Normally he wouldn’t feel soft towards a monster but whenever he thought of you, it was different.

His guilt was lessened when you drank from scum. Before putting the lives of innocents in danger, he would offer his own.

“Are you done?”

The corpse of the man was dropped unceremoniously as you joined Trevor, a light skip to your step.

─── ☾☼☽ ───

Despite adopting a nighttime lifestyle, Trevor was still human and had to conduct business during daylight hours.

He’d left your lodgings, which was an abandoned cottage, for a while. Nobody really passed through there anyway, so he thought you were safe. Worst came to worse, you could handle yourself. But as your self proclaimed protector, Trevor felt uneasy leaving you alone.

Maybe he should’ve listened to his gut because when he arrived, the door was wide open with dirty footprints leading in all the way to your coffin.

Two men had opened it—staring at the peaceful expression on your face, unaware that they were here to end you. To them it was obvious what you were. Even with that frilly white dress that made you look somewhat angelic, they couldn’t be fooled. As they raised their weapons to strike, Trevor used his whip. His sudden entrance startled them but it gave you the chance to wake up.

Eyes snapping open, you jumped onto the other man, taking both of you to the ground. His screams echoed shortly as you tore into his throat. The remaining one had no chance; Trevor left the room, closing the door on his way out, killing the light that entered and cutting off the way to escape.

Left alone with your prey, a smile crept up your face.

When you opened the door again, the dress which decorated your body was now stained red. There was hardly a clean piece on the material. Even so, you greeted Trevor with a hug.

“Trevor..”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

“M-me too..”

─── ☾☼☽ ───

Forty years passed in the blink of an eye.

“You should retire.”

“Belmonts don’t retire. The only rest they get is when they’re dead.”

“Well I don’t want you to die.”

“I have to, someday.”

“No you don’t.”

It’s been like this for the past few years; Trevor was sixty now. His body didn’t look that of an aging man, but the expression on his face did. He’d seen too much and as time passed, it was harder to fight monsters by himself.

Of course you’d noticed that and suggested turning him. It was an ongoing discussion; Trevor didn’t fancy the idea of living an eternal life but the thought of leaving this earth without you was disheartening. He didn’t say it but the situation tore him apart.

There was also the fact that he was too old for you; forty years to be exact. You’d maintained your youth, looking lovely as ever. His doubts were shot down when you immediately said that you didn’t care about that.

“I just want you.”

He always kept pushing the conversation away and you were patient. Trevor supposed that you could’ve taken him by force if you wanted and when he inquired, you told him it would be like violating him, robbing him of the choice you were never given.

As understanding as you were; the time would come for him to decide and confront you about it.

That time was now.

He should have been more careful, but there was nothing to be done about it now. Trevor watched as the sun slowly descended. Would you make it here before he passed? Would he die without seeing you one last time?

When you woke night had already fallen. Trevor wasn’t home; he’d been late plenty of times before but this occasion felt different.

Upon stepping outside, the smell of blood hit you. It reeked, staining the very air. You immediately recognized the source—how could you not? You’d fed from Trevor countless times.

Rushing in that direction, you prayed to whatever entity was listening to keep Trevor safe. The world and its gods could condemn you, but not him.

Not him.

You found him sprawled on a big rock, a creature hovering over his crumpled figure. Without thinking, you tore it to pieces. Blood rained as his mangled body flew to various parts of the forest.

“Trevor!!!”

He let out a groan, which would’ve made you sigh in relief but his visible injuries proved otherwise. You were no doctor and even if you could carry him into town, it would be too late. There was no other option. If you didn’t do anything, you might lose him.

“Trevor. Let me do it.”

Still conscious enough to reply, “I don’t want to become—”

“A monster?”

“I cannot become what I sought to destroy..”

Tears escaped your eyes, blurring the image of the person whom you treasure most. “Please.. please please please..! Don’t leave me alone!”

You begged, knowing it was unfair to pressure him in such way but you couldn’t bare the thought of existing if he wasn’t present. He was your salvation, your companion…your world. And yet, he was being robbed from you.

So soon… It’s too soon!

You always imagined Trevor living well into old age, spending the remainder of his life with you, being happy. He was destined to die peacefully, not like this. Not in this shitty place, by the hands of a shitty monster!

“I can’t. I’m sorry..”

Grabbing his hands, you lowered your forehead on them, crying your heart out. It was unfair. Life was unfair.

“Kiss me.”

Despite the pain that he was in, Trevor found it in himself to smile. For you. “Kiss me one last time.” Tears dropped slowly as you heard him. Shaking your head; you couldn’t kill him.

“I want it to be you..”

His words struck a chord.

Lifting him by the neck in a gentle manner, you pushed the collar of his shirt aside, exposing his carotid. As you bit into his familiar skin once more, your other hand caressed him, trying to make this goodbye as painless as possible.

With every sip you took, tears fell down.

I love you! I love you! I love you!

His warm hand turned cold.

You held him in your arms like he once did to you, with the outmost care, with the love he deserved.

Since Trevor didn’t say where he wanted his body to be buried, you chose the nicest spot. It was a secluded place where it wouldn’t be dug up by animals or people—but not so hidden either.

Whilst cleaning the blood that covered his body and face, you found a piece of cloth with writing on it. Staring at it, you recognized the Belmont insignia. Turning the material, you managed to read the words…

Take this. Go to Alucard.

Trevor must’ve written that in his final moments; probably in case he didn’t make it before you arrived. The letters were sloppy because of the blood but you could read it well.

Clutching it to your chest, you sobbed until the light of day began to burn. For a moment you wished to stay there and disappear. Perhaps you could join Trevor.

Together even in death..

─── ☾☼☽ ───

The journey was rather long.

Looming in all its glory, Castle Dracula. You looked at the last piece of your beloved, holding it tighter in your hand.

“Okay. Let’s meet this Alucard.”