#but because you see people say the meanest and most unhinged shit

[whatevermonkey]

Going into the Supernatural tag when you aren’t a shipper is like psychological warfare.

[515limit]

jack x miranda

NOTE: this is just my opinion :) giga word doc incoming

Jack and Miranda is honestly my favorite non Shepard ship, I've always been a big fan of both of them and seeing them grow through the series is honestly one of the more interesting aspects of the game, not just for them but most of the characters on general. Jack goes from just a generally hateful person to genuinely caring individual no matter how hard she tries to act otherwise. Miranda obviously goes from being a blind follower of Cerberus for the purpose of recognition to finding her own path and purpose in life. I love seeing them interact after the fact in the Citadel dlc, where you can tell they try to keep that sense of normalcy as best they can so it's not awkward through their empty insults and banter, but i genuinely think they were happy to see they one another was alive. But still i kinda wanna break down their whole dynamic because they deserve it, and i'm bored, nothing else. I think they're an underrated ship with more evidence?? than people think. I don't like to say evidence necessarily because nuance is a thing, and i think their relationship in general was supposed to be something you read between the lines not entirely blatant.

So to start as soon as we start Jack's recruitment mission we hear about how mean and hatful she is, and get shown that as we play through it looking for her. She's clearly extremally powerful and portrayed as being kinda unhinged, not just in her actions but she tells us herself how bad of a person she is overall. However, as you spend time with her you see that's just not true, at least to the extent that she claims or is initially portrayed. She's scared, she's tortured. As a child and now as an adult in her head. She can't mentally escape Pagia, and it makes her lash out. She can't trust people, or maybe she doesn't even want to. She doesn't want to let people in. Jack is clearly a very emotional person, all of her noteworthy scenes in ME2 come from emotional outbursts. She's hurting and you can tell the most in her poetry that she writes and can read in the SB dlc. All of that is to say, Jack and Miranda don't hate each other. They hate themselves. I'll get to Miranda in a minute, but Jack and Miranda have no real reason to beef with each other initially, neither has ever done anything directly to the other, except they're famous fight after Jack's loyalty mission. The thing is Jack has a thing for just saying mean shit, she speaks before she thinks, just like when you're talking to her and trying to get to know her as a person. Jack calls Shep "Cerberus lapdog and a military stooge" even though she has no real way of knowing that. Depending on how you play Shepard that could even be the exact opposite, BUT she feels threatened. Shepard cares. At least enough to talk to her and get to know her, so she gets defensive and says the meanest things she can think of just to get a rise of of Shepard. She's not mean because she's actually a hateful person, but more as a defense mechanism to keep people away.

I'll come back to this! I wanna talk about Miranda now. Miranda desperately needs approval, it radiates off her. From the second we meet and are actually able to talk to her she's noticeably jealous of Shepard even if she denies it, you can tell she isn't happy about how much trust and importance has already been placed on Shepard over her (a loyal and dedicated Cerberus agent). and this isn't the only time either, later when you talk to her she says she doesn't get it. Why Shepard is great and she isn't. For renegade Shep she even brings up their lack of family and education, lamenting over how much better they are than her. She's has extreme self worth issues, something she can't get past to the point of bringing up how Shep is great even though they were poor and lived on the streets and whatever. She says those things and continues to talk about her dad and how she was supposed to be. Miranda doesn't see how that might upset Shepard because it's technically true, it's not meant as an insult, but just a statement. She just sees it as i was "born" better so i should have been. She's extremally tone deaf all of ME2. Just like how the illusive man, didn't know about the Cerberus facility Jack was at. That being said, i do think at that moment it was definitely something she said to upset her, because she's just being petty, but the point is her and Jack don't get along initially because they're extremally similar and they both know it.

When Jack comes abord, the first person she talks to is Miranda, she mentions that she'll go out of her way to read all of Miranda's files. For what though? They know nothing about each other, all she knows is Miranda works for Cerberus, but so does the whole damn ship. She doesn't mention anything to Jacob or anyone else ever, just Miranda directly and the general Cerberus umbrella. (or at least i don't remember if she does so if that's not true just ignore that bit i'm going off memory) Anyway when it comes to Miranda, I don't think she even hates Jack at all, just her being so disruptive, she doesn't think she belongs there. Jack was in prison and in her mind that's probably where she thought she belonged, and she wasn't gonna change her mind about it either. In her mind Cerberus didn't know about Pragia so why is it there fault. Miranda is kinda dumb to think that way but she's blindly loyal to them and taking any chance she can to defend them because it's the only place she's found that she belongs. They're both angry but honestly it's just not at each other. They're both so stuck in their heads with their beliefs because they're insecure and cling to the only things they can to cope. In ME2 they're both still the insecure scared kids they were growing up and they found each other, and i think it scared them both. Being so different, but so similar at the same time. Jack thinks Miranda is so preppy and above everyone else, but maybe she reads her files and realizes it's the opposite. That she craves recognition, that she genuinely works hard for everything she has. That Miranda understands maybe more than anyone what she went through. Neither were enough, neither could live up to the impossible expectations given to them, and both decided to break away from that to find their own way, and are still haunted by their pasts as of ME2.

By the time ME3 comes around both have grown. Like a lot. You see the real Jack, she's still abrasive, maybe more out of habit than anything but she's a caring and honestly warm person now. She's responsible and loving towards the kids she looks after and they all look up to her, she's finally found somewhere she belongs. She seems genuinely happy even with the reaper war going on, she seems like the happiest person we talk to the whole came, she's laughingly and looking forward to the future, instead of the day someone will betray her. She has such a genuinely good 180 from who she was after realizing there were good people, there are people that care, that WANT her to be around. They don't just use her and throw her off to the side afterwards.

As for Miranda she's calmed down and loosed up a lot, she sees that her own self worth is more important than anyone else's recognition and is able to find her own path for one, she decides to do good after realizing what Cerberus truly is and is actively working the whole game to deter Cerberus and turn people away from sanctuary later on.

They are both completely different people, and that's why in the citadel dlc, they're just sharing drinks and genuinely enjoying each others company. I don't think Shepard mentions them getting together for no reason, i think they were meant to find each other from the beginning. This is more speculative than anything, and i'm not taking into account Shepard romances with either, so if you disagree and think they're just friends that's okay! This is just how i interoperated them. I think they do like each other and maybe to some extent have for a while, and just refused to acknowledge it to themselves or each other. They're polar opposites at first glance, Jack is covered in tattoos, reclusive, aggressive, and rude. Whereas Miranda is "perfect", no marks or blemishes and well put together, extraverted, generally tries to act like she's polite, and wants to take leadership roles. But on the inside they're the same, both just want to find their places in the galaxy, both want desperately to belong somewhere. Jack found her place, maybe Miranda will find her place too, and maybe it's by Jack's side. Helping the biotic kids and working with the alliance. Maybe she can finally do what she thought she was doing in Cerberus and help humanity the most by rebuilding and proving her knowledge to other people.

They're both genuinely caring and loving people at heart, their war crimes aside. (sadge) I think Miranda ending up with Jack honestly makes sense considering everything, it'd even help with her wanting kids and all since she can't have any naturally. Her and Jack could happily teach the biotic kids together after all is said and done.

That's all for now, thank you for coming to my tedtalk and reading my rant if you got this far :)

I may add more later if i think of anything!

[theyreonlynoodlesmike]

Personality/random headcanons for the boys:

David:

The biggest asshole on the entire planet

But is simultaneously such a fucking hopeless romantic

Basically a bisexual disaster

One of those guys that is simultaneously a narcissist and insecure at the same time

Is the most mean out of all the boys, and fucks with people for fun

He's the type of mean where you can't always tell if he's making fun of you or not- and that's why he's the meanest

Is the leader simply because he said so (also, because he's that one friend in the group that can actually come up with things to do)

He's also the only one with a sense of direction so he defaults as the navigator

Cares a little too much about his reputation

He's an immortal that's obsessed with history and even though he's a 'young' immortal, his amount of knowledge makes him seem older

Is definitely an extravert

Doesn't believe in having a "best" friend and he insists all the boys are his bestfriend- is actually unfortunately the type of person to put "hoes before bros" so his s/o is his bestfriend

Though, he is very protective of all of them and always willing to throw hands for his boys

Marko:

Angry White Boy™

Would punch a hole in a wall

A gremlin that doesn't care about keeping vampirism a secret because aNGRY-

A wild-card that probably does dumb things just cause why not

Thinks creeping people out is fun (exhibit a: purposely says "hi/goodbye michael" just to fuck with him)

Probably the best fighter ngl and if they had killed any of the other boys in the cave, the ending would've gone differently you cannot change my mind

Least able to control his emotions and impulses which leads to fighting or collecting any animal he sees

Is actually an introvert, just has a very loud sense of style- hence why he is super selective with who he talks to and seems to latch onto the two extraverts of the group (David and Paul)

Very crafty, can at least sew

One of the most sadistic- low-key kinda mean. If he doesn't like you, he'll rip you to shreds with just his words and considering he doesn't talk much? It hurts worse when that's what he has to say

David is his second best-friend and that's because he and David have similar flaws- also, cause David's an extravert like Paul so all he really has to do with David is just listen to him monologue

Paul:

Is a himbo

Too dumb to be purposely mean, sometimes it just comes out like that

He just wants to have a funky, chill time so he prefers to avoid fights and confrontation- tries to keep the peace and just goes with the flow

Has definitely said "I'm a lover, not a fighter" at one point in his life

Hard to piss him off, but he can't control himself when he does get pissed (either gets bitey or will cry)

He's a hoe and would definitely catcall someone I'm sorry- he's used to getting slapped at this point because he has a big fucking mouth

Y'know how Motley Crue was in the 80s? Yeah, he'd probably be really good friends with them (for better or for worse)

Can't lie for shit, hence why he literally tells Michael "you're one of us, bud" and probably would've elaborated if Michael had asked

Has poor impulse control but he's more of a talker than a do-er so it seems like his impulse control is better

He's definitely the funny one of the group and he does his best to keep things light

He's very enthusiastic about the fashion changes over the past 80 years or so, and has gotten slapped/punched because he's gotten caught staring or, worse, cause he whistled

He was the last of the boys to learn how to read/write and was only convinced because Marko told him that you can't woo chicks/dudes/peeps with poems/songs if you can't write them down

Considers Marko his best friend and doesn't keep track after that

Dwayne

Is one of the best fighters, but he prefers not to (unless it's for cash)

Which is ironic considering that he's a communist, but Dwayne is definitely not against taking money from assholes (calls it "redistributing the wealth")

Is also an introvert, which is why we only really see him interact with David or Paul separately

Likes kids which is why he immediately knocks Michael out but only really messes with Sam (also why he takes care of Laddie)

Drinks the most Respect Women™ juice out of all of them

Talks the least but has the most opinions out of all of them- and his opinions are actually supported with facts unlike some of them

So while he's not the meanest, it hurts the most cause his reasons for not liking you are based on logic and things you did wrong

His biggest flaw is that nobody knows what's going on with him ever. He's completely unpredictable and slightly unhinged but he hides it by being super quiet

Has common sense but chooses to ignore it for the sake of having fun with the Boys™

He's the best liar and he gets out of shit constantly- is definitely the type of guy to break something at the cave and let the other three argue about who broke it while none of them suspect it was him

Is the biggest bastard out of all of them because he actively chooses to be wild and bastard-like while the others are just guided by impulse, lack of brain cells, and the need to prove a point

Arguing with him is impossible because he either does everything to de-escalate it or he's right. It's incredibly infuriating

His bestfriend position is still open

[starlightshoals]

[Beware of disjointed rambling below]

...Today's been a long day. We visited my bf's mom in the hospice. She's...gonna pass away soon. It hit me somewhere in the middle of it all that I really, really wish I'd had more time with her. Sometimes I pretend to myself that connections don't matter to me. I say all this cynical shit to my bf about people and the world, make the meanest jokes about people who aren't us, but then I see this woman who can barely breathe or think clearly anymore laying there while all anyone can talk about is wills and paperwork and hovering around her like vultures and I just.....

I liked her. She accepted me. There's a part of me that desperately wanted her to see me like a daughter. And I met her brother today and I felt connected to him just from sitting there a minute and talking. He told me his youngest son died last year, too. I wanted to cry so bad. There must be nothing worse than burying your own child. And he seemed so grateful to me for just listening. I was reminded for the first time in a while that connection is everything to me. Understanding other people, seeing the stuff others just don't get, don't take the time for, don't fucking care. And yet somehow I'm always wrapped up in myself and I act cold and leave things unsaid. I dunno. It's a work in progress.

...I can't always read him. My bf, obviously. I take it for granted that he's not the most affectionate person in the world, that maybe he's more grounded and detached than I am (much as I like to pretend), but then he surprises me out of nowhere by rubbing his head against mine when we're cuddling on the couch or something. Or saying things that make him look clingy and vulnerable, which is the last thing I'd expect from him. Is he attached to me that much? What a weird fucking thing for me to ask, lol. But it does cross my mind. I adore him. Those little moments especially. I feel completely different with him than anyone else. Almost unhinged, like I have no filter. I say whatever shit comes into my head. I don't shut up. I make the stupidest jokes and comments that I would never, ever say in front of anyone else. I act like her. Is this what real love is like? It catches me so off guard because I'm not obsessed with him like I was with past stuff. My trust in him is almost absolute, so I feel no need to be a manipulative little bitch like I so often am. This is that "marry your best friend" kind of love, I guess. I don't know if I want to get married. But sometimes it feels like I already am.

I'm not as over the moon euphoric with life as I'd like to be currently, but I feel in control of my creativity now. Finally. I live and breathe my work. It flows. I want that feeling to stay. There's no justice in this world, but god, let me at least have this.

...Oh, and since I know now you'll be reading this...I want you to know that when I wrote "just let me protect you already," it was about you. Because I was dying inside watching from a distance while you were suffering. All those things I said, I meant. The good and the bad. Because you and I are the same. The same disorders. The same issues. The same needs and impulses. Deep down, I hope you know.

I just wanted you to understand that. Because as good as I am at understanding most people, all I've ever wanted is to be understood.

See ya round~

[hanzi83]

The Harassment Continues

Apparently I pissed off a lot of people when I wrote the last blog. It feels like whenever I sum up my experiences from the last month, and get it out in the public atmosphere, it is a big no-no because I am supposed to just take the threats given out to me, and then if I defend myself in any matter, they put what these trolls have been doing to me the last several years on the same level of defending myself, all because I am not forthcoming in trusting people who are trying to latch on. If I block the trolls, the same ones who say I want drama, then say I am killing freedom of speech, even though these same people have joined my platform with different aliases to make threats, and encourage me to kill myself. They scrambled when I wrote the last blog, because now they are going to different periscope sessions, pretending to be me, but then deleting the video they are taunting me with on the sub reddit dedicated to me. The subreddit is called “Systemichanzi83” and they are making it known that they can frame me and claim I am in some underground groups, even though my tablets, phones and laptops are all probably tapped. Even after the last blog where I told people to go to my twitter page Hanzi83 and looked at the pinned tweet and follow the thread of the documented shit that has done to scare me, and put more paranoia, in my mentally ill brain, some of the tweets were deleted to hide what was happening, that the dude Jimmernam is encouraging his people to go harass me, and then even though there has been documented evidence to support what threats he has made to other youtube streamers, threats of doxing etc, and potentially looking like he was grooming kids. I am not the one who came up with that, but the trolls he has told to harass me claim I am claiming he is a pedo without any proof, even though I have always said this is my thought and the evidence doesn’t seem too kind to him.

More recently he was suspected of fucking with another youtuber by having their house swatted, and immediately he shows remorse and says he did not do it, even though when saying he will fuck with people he will boast about it and then deletes his tweets, but thanks to Wendy from Stern Show, she records all his streams, if you look at the channel Wendy Pack, and look at Vin Vader’s youtube channel, who is trying to get him off youtube, because he has been banned before. It is becoming clear he has some systemic connection that is allowing him to do what he did.

While battling it out with another youtuber, he was confronted by Wendy, who has been madly in love with the guy for some time and it has been clear he manipulates her and now because she is asking about the money she allegedly donated to him, by getting people to donate to her, he banned her accounts from his youtube streams, and was not happy she is talking with other people who are warning her about Jimmer, so she confronts him about it, and she stated a guy named Travis to ask about it, she claimed I told her to, even though I had not spoken to her since being on that Limon’s stream, I have not private messaged her. I did initially bring it up for a while in the summer and in the fall before I separated from her because I felt like he was using her to make him look like he had changed from his old ways to the general public, and that is when all that good guy attitude went out the window, so I feel like when Jimmernam wanted the names of people asking Wendy about this, it was his way of keeping note of the names to strike down on. That is how I feel, I know my trolls will say I am spreading lies, and use it as an excuse for me needing to pay for what I am doing. Wendy even stated her mother was asking about this when she saw her bank statement. Jimmernam claimed he has been in talks with her family and they know what she has been up to, but he would deflect when asked why Wendy’s mother is asking about this if she had spoken to Jimmernam.

He continued his stream while he continued to allegedly get drunk and become more unhinged making all kinds of threats to a lot of people about what is going on, and suddenly youtube did something morally right and they banned his video. He won’t disappear because he is resilient like that, and will find another means to create havoc, and he will probably become more dangerous. Now I can see the trolls that fuck with me, who pretend to care about the “evil” I do, actually not care and want to take it out on me. They will insinuate that people in my life are being monitored, and will keep bringing up “Blue Car” because I banned one of the guys who had power in periscope, who goes by the name Serial Killer Jack. The other people I wrote about are not making threats, but when they make blanket statements of things like “I don’t want to make Jack upset, anyone who does that will be making a fool out of themselves” like I am supposed to be worried.

They are probably upset I wrote a blog because they didn’t think I had the mental capacity in me, with me not being able to write the last couple of months, and because it is the worst season for my mental illness, they are preying on me much more. They know no one cares because the media outlets I have contacted about this, even supposed leftists, they will not do anything, maybe they are looking into it and they won’t let me know, because my tablets are tapped so it would not be wise, but I am afraid for my life. People will be like “Just go to the police” but if I am a targeted subject, it is most likely law enforcement could be allowing it, because it always seems like people could stop this, but they don’t until after the fact so all kinds of people can profit off it. No one has my back, and it feels like a way to get me institutionalized and I would not be surprised if people in my life were in on it in some way if that is the goal.

I try to move on and interview guests and create content but these people will show up because they don’t like that I am not trying to dive into the drama, and they will try to create ways. Even that alien lady came to my scope after the blog was written, and she acted like what happened prior was nothing really important and we should be able to move on. I let her on so people in my periscope can see how they will change the narrative after that supposed peaceful talk did not end the way they liked, because it felt, and I say it felt, because if I state it like a fact, they will claim I am spreading lies, when this shit has been documented of what was going on, and they will keep saying I am aligning with her trolls, when they come to my scope, and they barely do. I don’t trust any of these people to be honest, and I can see them trying to frame me for something and I want this out there as much as I can. They are really pushing me attempt suicide, and they have been more transparent about it, and the reason they are being more transparent about it, because they know they will be not held accountable about anything and the more I am open about this and express my frustration and the paranoia of it, they will try to hold me accountable for putting out my theories, and I think I have been good about telling you what is documented and what is just how I feel, and I never encourage harassment towards people even though they say me talking about what I am going through is putting people in danger, it feels to me, that they know my voice is listened to more than they lead on, even though they tell me I am irrelevant and no one cares, that they think by me putting it out it displays that the people fucking with me are not as innocent as they think they are but they will switch it on me, and if I complain about how they are trying to make me look crazy, they will fuck with me and say I don’t believe people who claim they are being harassed, even though I don’t say I don’t believe these people, but they expect me to cater to them when they don’t have to be on my platform. I never asked people to come on if they did not want to, but if you come in my platform and start disrupt the chat, then it will get my attention. I don’t want people harassing that lady but I wonder why I was chosen to take the abuse, am I someone who is looked upon because I am not actively trying to get laid and that I am a lonely person, that I will be excited about any chick coming to my platform that I will be willing to want them to lead me? I don’t know.

I am putting this out there because it is becoming increasingly creepy and if anything happens to me or anyone I know, I want you to know there are people on that sub reddit that are the ones that are perpetuating that thought, and the more I talk about not wanting these people in my platform, they will continue the harassment and try to get me to say some fucked up shit because when I am angry I lose it and want to say the meanest shit possible, and when I don’t make threats, they have to keep pushing until I do make a threat. They have done this to me on social media, on twitter and facebook, try to start a fight for me, I defend myself and shit on them, and then I am suspended for a month or a week. They clearly don’t care. They want to silence me, and they will now move to some next level to try and scare me.

That Jimmer guy in that clip did say “I wonder what is on your computer” and since he was able to come on my twitter, without even being notified to delete tweets that show what he was threatening towards me, I can assume he is talking in code to plant some shit on there. I have spoken to my therapist and case worker about this because I have been worried about what they can do if I don’t kill myself on their watch, and then just add more fear into me. No one seems to care because as much as society fancies themselves on calling out the corruption, it is become clear that even some of these movements are compromised to some extent, because this would be on people’s radar. They are going to continue this, and people will just watch the show. Sorry I never compromised my sexuality and mental state to be cosigned by the system, and because you got a blue checkmark, you feel like that gives you credibility. I am not saying you don’t work hard, but the hard work is also hiding what kind of shadiness you might be involved with, I am lashing out because I try to express a more leftist message, even though I am berated for having a progressive mindset while it feels like people want to remain ignorance. I try to fit in and not be this “SJW” that they hate because being anti PC is this new wave for people who lean right, and they think it is genuinely edgy because they think the corporate democrats are so corrupt that any good message they spew that it is seen as an agenda, and it makes people not care about an actual leftist message. People will feel more comfortable talking to right wing trump supporters, and I am for talking to everyone, because if these people aren’t gone too far in a hateful way, they can be redeemed, but it is funny that those same people never ever want to talk to a leftist about anything. I am not the best representative because I take in so much information, that I can barely explaining some of the shit, but I recognize the right wing talking points that are used and can call it out.

You are allowed abusing a Muslim, mentally or physically. They are the people you can constantly discredit and if I call out Zionism, they will misconstrue that with anti Semitic and because someone who is using that mentality to discredit me, they will always play like they are the biggest victims, while also simultaneously organizing harassment toward me. It feels like something has to happen to me, and they are making sure to spread so much disinformation about me, that the google searches are catered to that, because eventually if Howard is exposed for what he has done to me and countless others, people will be interested in my story, so they are preplanning and getting everyone they can who hates me to start this campaign to fuck with my head and push me to suicide. Funny thing is, none of these blogs, none of the people who have followed my journey the last 15 years will come to my aid, but they want me to constantly promote their endeavors and come on their platforms to give it some credibility because there is some value left over from being on the Stern Show for a decade. Most people won’t even read this, but my trolls will, and they will still paint me as the bad guy, all because they won’t get help and they use their mental illness to just harass me and encourage people to fuck with me, and even making threats that won’t ever be investigated by these fucking platforms.

Here is the sub reddit 

https://www.reddit.com/r/SystemicHanzi83/new/

Here is the twitter thread you could follow https://twitter.com/Hanzi83/status/1149320249860329472

If Jimmernam deletes the tweet posting a link to the video of him.. here is the video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4mh4kp6Pro&feature=youtu.be

[theunwrittenones]

Prompt #3

„Dude, we are not asking the dragon for directions.”

“Dude, we`re not asking the Dragon for directions.” He slammed the warning down on her, like a sledgehammer to an anvil.

“Alright, alright. I got it, ok?” Ferroy brushed the dark leather-gloved hands off her collar and took a step back. It was bad enough that people talked about them already. A scene was the last thing they needed right now.

“Look Vince, it’ll be easy peasy lemon sqeezy, I tell you!” The bald man called Vince gave her a look, that told her exactly how not amused he was about her flippant attitude.

“Don’t yer fucking ‘Vince’ me, Roy!” He knew how much she despised it when he abbreviated her name like that. “Listen Girl, you go down that stinking hell hole of a dungeon and all sorts of crazy shebang is going to happen to you.” He couldn’t see her rolling back her eyes behind the giant brim of her hat, but he knew her to well, to pick up on it. “Roll those squinty balls back a little further and maybe, just maybe, you can see the sun shining in your arse!” He put his hands on his hips and averted his eyes.

She leaned in to him and spoke through gritted teeth: “Vince, do you think that I -of all people- don’t know how fucking dangerous that damn manor is?” He didn’t look at her, but ever so slightly shook his head. His skin was unnaturally pale, so that the red-brown scars, traced all over his face in their crisscross pattern, became even more obvious.

“I wouldn’t have accepted, if we had a darn choice, now would I? Guess what, dear brother, we don’t have a choice, not anymore.” Vince stared at the ground, as if he expected to find the right argument hidden between dusty wooden boards. She relaxed and put her hand on his shoulder. He wanted to do right by her, she knew. After all, they only had each other.

Their parents and friends were simply gone, devoured by the blight. Growing up in an orphanage was tough. The Mistress and Director had a deal with the local farmers, so they were raised in slave labor. Working children still were a viable currency back then.

The streets took them, as soon as their teenage years began to dawn. The unmitigated gateway to a life of crime and violence. Ferroy then, discovered her unhealthy affinity to knives. It didn’t take her long to work her first wet-job. In the beginning, she was sloppy. Her Targets got away sometimes and her clients tried to ditch her on occasion, but she was a quick learner. Vince on the other hand had a nag to acquire all sorts off dangerous friends. Often the wrong types of people in wrong types of places, but always high up in rank and unhinged in all the bad ways.

Their wild years began shortly after they carved a market for themselves. Leviathan Bay was a candy store and no one said no to the ‘Grimm Twins’. One slip up, however, is often enough to send your luck straight down the toilette bowl.

Ferroy owed money. To the wrong people. People introduced to her by Vince.

“You’re right.” Vince wiped invisible mud off his face. “Of course, you’re right. Just promise me, don’t do anything rash!”

She shrugged: “You know me.”

“Damn right, I do.” His tempered flared up again, but he fought it down.

“The bastard is here, brace yourself.”

An incredible fat man made his way through the crowd. His gestures, as he greeted several townsfolk, were relaxed and aloof. Rakash-Tai Vun, ‘caretaker’ of most known and unknown gambling houses in Leviathan Bay, effortlessly split the groups of people that stood in his path. It took him a few moments to spot them, but when he did, a smile began to crack his face.

Talking to Rakash was every bit as disgusting and loathsome, as she imagined. Even now, Ferroy felt ice sliding down her bare back. There were the usual threats of skinning and bone breaking, of course. Talk that seemed to come so natural to people with deep confidence issues. However, the price to pay was much steeper this time around. The way he looked at them made her knife hand itch. ‘Forced employment’ was the term, Rakash used. Vince, despite all that, kept his head cool. He never apologized or begged. He simply offered the plan Ferroy had pushed on him earlier and wrapped it up like the deal of the century. Rakash took the bait. He knew the risk, but craved the reward even more. Their debt was mere formality to him, but meant all to them. Now, there was a unique opportunity, each man of the business dreamed about.

She departed to her very probable doom around noon the next day. Leviathan Bay was but a speck in the distance. A grey wound in the spotless golden fields behind her. In front of her rose the ‘Chocking Hills’. Covered almost to completion with thick forest, that held bandits at best and unspeakable horrors at worst. There was however, an upside to her situation. Her two traveling companions were over all quite pleasant. There was almost no talking. Their only exchanges were social grunts, when task needed to be performed or hand signals, when they were hunting and navigating.

It took them the better part of the afternoon to arrive at their destination, the serpentine, narrow path up to ‘Raven Barrow’.

Never had her eyes seen more dilapidation then here. Corpses, bloated out of proportion by unknown diseases, littered the streets. Nearly all houses appeared to be caved in and inhabitable. Gallows hung right in front of her, holding lifeless forms gently swaying from the tireless arm of the giant scaffold, built in the town square. There was madness in the serenity of this horrific landscape. From the farmstead to her left emanated a sick purple glow. She knew it to be there, because of the stories she heard when she was quite young. Something from the depth of the ‘Wailing Forest’ took quite literally roots there. Last but not least, the manor house itself. Its quite, ominous presence overshadowed the whole of ‘Raven Barrow’. Built on the highest location just outside of town. Like a dark sentinel, always watching. Ferroys heart took a dive into her stomach. The pure rawness of death all around almost made her dizzy. Her two companions urged her forward and she was glad they did, for she wasn’t sure what she would have done. Her instincts screamed flight, but flight was not an option.

So she braced herself, for there was only one way to go…

“We are not asking the dragon for directions!” Jimmy says. I loath him for being a coward. Being a coward myself, naturally, I don’t say anything. Instead I step back, out of the streetlight and closer to the forest. The ‘dragon’ was the one that yelled insults at us, but Jimmy had been stupid enough to reply. We’d almost made it home after our D’n’D session at Kim’s.

“This isn’t D’n’D, Jimmy.” Mona says and pushes her elbow into Jimmy’s side. Mona is fierce. One day I want to have the courage to ask her out. I could take her up the mountain and map out constellations at night. I think she would like that.

“This isn’t D’n’D, Jimmy.” Our enemy grunts and his friends join the laugher. Wonder who the ‘dragon’ is? It’s George the dumbest and meanest guy from school. Walking cliché and quarterback of our school team the ‘Mighty Smallville Dragons’.

Finally, Mark, our Dungeon Master each Friday night and king of the nerds (he gets beaten up the least at school), steps forward.

“We don’t want any trouble.” Mark says, and George cocks his head like he’s just warming up. Mark is tall, but in a stretched out lanky way. He doesn’t stand a chance. George and his friends laugh. There’s us, Mark, Jimmy, Mona and I. Four nerds against four of the dragons. They are going to beat the shit out of us.

“Fucking dumb asses.” George says and lets his fist crack against Jimmy’s head. Jimmy goes down like he rolled a critical one.

“No!” I shout and step forward on impulse. I’m next. My lip splits when George’s fist collides. My hand goes up to my jaw on instinct and warm blood spills into my mouth. It dribbles down my chin as I stagger back. I feel around my teeth with my tongue. My incisor cut into my cheek, but all my teeth are okay.

“Shit. What the hell is wrong with you?” Mona aims at George and the dude is too surprised or too dumb to move. She bitch-slaps George. I’d swoon if I weren’t occupied with the pain in my face.

“You’ll regret this.” George says. “Cunt.” He adds, and I see how Mona’s face scrunches up in anger.

“We gotta run!” Jimmy says. I grab Mona by the elbow. Jimmy helps Mark back to his feet. George looks like he might murder Mona. You don’t hit girls. Maybe George abides to that rule, but better not risk it.

“God, I wish we could do something against that guy. He’s such a dick.” I exclaim, when we’re far away from George and his cronies, close by my house.

“What happened to you, Andy?” My mom asks when she opens the door. I’m dragged into the kitchen, where she and grandma make a fuss. Grandma dabs my lip with something that makes my eyes water.

“Was it that big boy George Miller?” Mom asks, but I shake my head. I’m not a traitor. Guess the heat in my cheeks is telling enough.

“You know how those dragon guys are.” I say, and my Mom puts a band-aid on my face. Come Monday, let’s hope I’m all healed up. I don’t want to look like a total looser at school. Mom steps away from me and gives me a worried look. I’m glad Dad is still at work, because he would be angry at me for not fighting back. Dad was never a nerd, he was one of the cool kids. He’ll never understand.

“They are bullies.” Grandma says. “When you’re ready, come upstairs. I have something to show you.” She adds with a sad smile. Avoiding eye-contact, Mom and I exchange a few platitudes about how our day was, before I head upstairs. I scratch at the congealed blood that dribbled down my neck. Yelling for Grandma I follow her voice into her bedroom. I’m never in here, it’s too stuffy and just like I don’t want Grandma to invade my privacy and hang out in my room, I never stay long in hers. She’s sitting at her dresser, the yellow lamp light smooths out her wrinkles. Something glistens in her palm.

“Take it!” She says when I reach her. I look at it, it’s a small green carving of a dragon. Too heavy to be plastic. There’s a hole going through its middle, like you are supposed to wear it on a chain around your neck.

“It’s made from jade.�� She explains. “Your Grandpa brought it back after ‘Nam.” She says.

“Uh, thanks.” I say, unsure what to do.

“Your Grandpa said it was for protection.” She says and folds her hands over mine to wrap around the jade dragon. Her hands are wrinkled and dry, but warm.

“I think you should have it.” She says and I pocket it.

“Thanks, Grandma.” I want to turn around and leave, but Grandma stops me with a hand to my forearm.

“You’re a good boy, Andy. I just wished you would believe in yourself.” I swallow hard. Suddenly I feel not only embarrassed, but crushed. It’s like she can look right behind my eyes and into my thoughts.

“Promise me, next time you and your friends meet the Miller boy you’ll try to talk to him.” Grandma continues and lets go of my arm.

“There’s no point talking to them. They’ll- you know how they are- they’re-.” I stop and she finishes for me: “They’re violent. At least, I can tell you this: high school doesn’t last forever. Once you went to college, and Miller and his friends are still stuck in Smallville, you’ll have the upper hand. And because you’re you, you won’t hold it against them.” She says it with a fond smile, that makes me look at my shoes.

“I think I understand.” I mumble, without looking up.

“Good night, Andy.” Grandma says.

Lying awake for at least an hour, I imagine all the things I could have said to George Miller to keep him from hitting my friends, but every time it ends the same: I am the one that gets beaten up, even more than today. Curled into a tight ball, I stare into the darkness. All the other guys at school make fun of me too, even the girls. They always find a reason: my glasses, my fat ass, the cheap T-shirts my Mom buys me. Every time their jabs hurt just as much as a physical beating. There are tears in my throat. Gulping, I remind myself that I am too old for crying.

The moonlight glistens on the little jade dragon I put on my night stand. It’s cool to the touch and I curl my hand around it in a tight fist and press it to my chest. It calms be down, I think, but maybe I am just exhausted. I’m so, so tired. The stone warms to my touch until it becomes a pinpoint of fire. The dragon is scourging my chest, but after all, I am only dreaming.

I wake up and double over coughing. The smell of smoke clogs up my lungs. I take a deep breath, arch my back. Fire, I think, and jump to my feet. There’s a fire in the house. The jade dragon falls to the floor with a clink. I’m halfway down the steps, before I realize the smell of smoke is gone. Maybe a remnant of a dream. Slower, with my heart beating fast in my eardrums, I walk down the rest of the stairs.

The TV‘s on mute in the living room. I expect my Dad to be sleeping on the couch (he doesn’t like to wake up Mom in the middle of the night). But Dad isn’t there. There’s noises coming from the porch. Following the commotion, dread drops into my stomach. My parents are outside, talking in hushed voices with our neighbor through the fence. Grandma is probably still sleeping upstairs. Dad has his arm slung over Mom’s shoulder and she’s huddled close.

The wood creaks under my feet. Their heads turn. My neighbor says his goodbyes and vanishes back inside.

“Go back to bed, Andy!” Dad tells me, but my eyes find Mom’s.

“What happened?” I ask.

She shakes her sleep tousled head. “There’s been a fire in town.” She stops, swallows, like she needs to find the right words first: “George Miller’s house burned to the ground.” She finally settles for the truth.

I feel an odd and disconcerting mixture of fear and excitement trickle down my spine.

“Is he dead?” I ask and hold my breath. My lungs feel hollow, like someone scooped them out like ice cream with a big spoon. Dad clears his throat. Mom pushes out of his embrace.

“He’ll know from the newspapers anyway.” She says. “George, his parents and his little sister Jody didn’t make it out alive. The smoke suffocated them, before the fire reached the upper level of their home.” I immediately wonder if they woke up first and weren’t able to get out of the house.

“The firemen came in too late.” Dad explains. After I say nothing for several seconds, he asks: “Son, are you okay?”

I nod, but it’s automatic.

“I feel- I feel sorry for them.” I stutter, cross my arms around my chest.

“Go back to bed! Try to sleep if you can!” Mom says and steps closer. She wants to hug me, but I step out of her reach. It feels like her touch would burn me to a crisp.

“Sorry.” I mumble. “Good night Mom.” I say and exchange a look with my Dad, before I turn on my heals and go back inside. In my room I close the door behind me and lean against it for a moment. I try to take even breaths, but it doesn’t work. George was a bad guy, a bully, a total dickhead, but him and his whole family didn’t deserve to die.

There’s something on the edge of my awareness that comes into focus now. A small stabbing pain right in the middle of my chest where the breastbone is. As I think about it the pain intensifies. My hand is shaking as I inspect my shirt. There’s a burn mark right where I pushed the jade dragon against my chest.

“Shit.” I cuss and repeat the words so much it becomes a litany. I stumble over to my wardrobe and open the doors to look at my reflection. I look like a wax puppet. My skin’s shiny and sweaty. My mouth snaps shut. With clammy fingers I lift my shirt. It drops to the floor and I see the red burn mark on my chest. The skin is alleviated where the jade dragon touched down. On closer inspection I can see that the outline of the dragon is drawn in red angry lines, like it literally burned my skin away. It’ll scar. It’ll stay for everyone to see. I gulp. It’s evidence of what I did. Whatever my Grandpa brought back from Vietnam is dangerous. It killed George and Jody and their parents.

I search for the dragon. It fell under my bed. It’s no longer calm and cool, but hot. I close my fist around the pendant. With my eyes shut, I am certain it pulses in sync with my own heart beat. For a moment I feel like I am the one in control for once in my life.

I take the hike up to the mountain, the jade dragon sleeps in my pocket. All thoughts of taking Mona up here are pushed aside. I need to see with my own eyes. I looked at George’s house on Google Maps. It’s one of those two story block buildings, unspectacular, except it wasn’t the only one like it build in that street. After checking the weather and reading up on how fires develop and behave under certain conditions, I am certain the other houses should have caught fire too. Additionally, it had been a fairly stormy night. From up here I can see the building. It’s easy to find among the strong colors of spring. The Miller house is a black burned hole. I got my binoculars with me. I check the surrounding ground. Not even the grass around the building is burned or the least bit dried out, but lush and green. It’s like the fire came from inside the walls itself.

It’s a curse, is it not? I try flinging the jade dragon down the cliff. I don’t want it anymore. But it stays in my palm like it has been glued to it. The whole next week I attempt to get rid of the damn thing. But it’s no use. I thought about giving it away as a gift, because that is how I got it from Grandma, but I can’t do that to the bullies at school, least of all my friends. A rumor starts, about me paying someone of the dropout kids in town to burn down George Miller’s building. I try laughing it off, but to my own ears it’s a bitter laugh. Guess the others know I had something to do with the fire one way or the other. Even my friends start avoiding me after a while. Maybe they can sense something isn’t right with me. For a while, things stay quiet. Soon the kids at school forget the whole affair and George Miller becomes an anecdote, nothing more. That’s how the bullying starts up again.

It’s not the same. The fire changed something inside of me. The night of the dragon let me get my revenge on George. This time, when someone tries to get under my skin, I know what I can do to make them regret it. The worst thing is that I like the thought. I like the idea of power. I don’t know what the dragon can do. But the bigger question is what I am capable of. That scares me most of all. Grandma was wrong, I am not a good boy. I’m afraid one day I’ll have enough. I’ll snap and use it again on someone else. I fear for that day to come.

„Dude, we are not asking the dragon for directions.”

“But it’s so cute and fluffy.”

“Are you out of your mind? It’s huge. Has scales and fucking spits ice.” My friend hissed under his breath, pointing with his swords towards the beast.

In between the tannin-brown forest, the icy-blue dragon wasn’t able to hide very well. The grass was crisp under my feet. I looked up and the trees were skyscraper tall, reminding me of home. My view went between my friend Leroy and then back to the dragon. The beast really looked cute, with round little ears and blue sparkling scales. Maybe he was not fluffy but I knew deep down, that this dragon had to be a good guy. Someone we could trust. You just had to look at those feline eyes, they were gleaming with cunning and somewhat kindness. He wasn’t aware of what would come for him. It made me trust him on the spot.

“I’ll go talk to him.” I let my companion know. Hands traveling down to my battle-ax. “You think I should leave my ax here? It would show I come in peace. He might not attack me right away.”

“Kane, if you leave now I’ll go back to the tavern and spend my coin. You’re not a dragon, you’re human and dragons eat humans for breakfast. They don’t care if you carry a weapon or not. They attack.” Leroy pointed out.

“Don’t worry friend, I used my last skill point to level up on the skill Animal-friend and, may I remind you, that I was raised by a dragon.”

Leroy sighed heavily. “Animal-friend means you don’t scare rabbits or chickens easily, but I highly doubt that a dragon will not attack you due to that skill.”

“I was raised by a dragon.” I pointed out again to make my point. The delicate creature would not attack one of their own children.

“You were not raised by a fucking dragon. You had human parents as I did.”

“Never met my parents, have no memory of them. I was raised by a dragon. If you would read all the documents we find along our adventures and not skip them, you would know that there was an unnamed young boy in Themar Land, who was saved by magicians from a fierce dragon… and turns out in other letters that this boy was raised by the dragon. They took the boy against his will and slaughtered the pure creature for nothing.”

“And how are you sure it was you? Was your name written down?” Leroy wanted to know, looking at the dragon, afraid we might catch his attention with our banter.

“I can’t be sure, but as you’ve might noticed, I have a pretty big scar on my shoulder and … that’s proof.” I said, opening my mouth to say more before closing it again. Damn, I needed better arguments to prove my point of being dragon-raised to convince him. Did being pretty sure about it count as proof?

“Okay” Leroy rolled his eyes, clearly avoiding the topic now and trying to find a solution. He eyed the dragon more than once, unsure if we’d drawn his attention already but I was sure we hadn’t crossed the checkpoint yet and that’s why the ice-spitting dragon hadn’t moved yet.

Leroy looked at me, raised eyebrows, sword in hand. “So, what are we gonna do? We can stand here and hide, but then we won’t find the treasure and you know I want the treasure. I need to find it and I can’t do this without you.”

“I know, that’s why I’m gonna go and talk to him. Dragons are a million years old, he has to know something about the hidden treasure of Themar Land.”

“This still does not solve our problem, even if he wouldn’t turn you into an ice statue, you can’t talk Dragon.”

“Duh, I leveled my language skills too.”

Leroy’s lips pressed into a white slash. “Yeah, for human language and that upgrade means that it’s easier for you to get information from humans, not freakin’ dragons.”

I shrugged. My shoulders lowered and I crossed my arms. Maybe he had a point but we needed to make a decision quick.

“Guys!” The voice from the Gamemaker blurted into my ears through the tiny intercom. “Make a decision or you’re out of the game!”

This whole situation Leroy and I were stuck in didn’t seem to look good on TV. The ratings weren’t rising like the producers wanted to. They needed more action. That was getting them great ratings, it was the reason I started to watch it and applied to be part of too. Action, slaying dragon, fighting aliens or battleships -whatever the setting, it always involved fighting.

Leroy and I nodded. We didn’t want to be cut.

“Like it or not, I’ll try talking to him, when I die you have to go and find the treasure without me. You chose the skill Death-From-Above and Lightfoot, that-”

“Landing safely when jumping from higher grounds won’t help me when this thing attacks.” Leroy snapped.

Maybe he was right, the dragon was huge but asking him for directions seemed to be a good way to get ahead of the competition. I was sure no one else was so smart about it.

I was going to do this. Although Leroy had taken some of my confidence away, I kept the battle-ax with me just in case things went south. I didn’t want to die so early in the game.

The grass was crunching lightly under my boots when I moved forward. I was amazed, that even though I knew this was just Virtual-Reality-TV, I was nervous. My heart rate was going up, my hands were sweating and the closer I moved the bigger the dragon got. When crossing the checkpoint the dragon started to move. He spread his wings, sending icy wind towards me. The air was shifting and I saw my breath coming out of my mouth. My hands started shaking, it was suddenly so cold and I had trouble standing straight.

When the dragon spotted me, he growled. The ground was trembling. I lost my balance.

“I’m Kane. Son of the dragons.” I yelled. The dragon looked at me. A smile crept up my piercing cool face, before the dragon opened his mouth. He spilled ice, not words. The icicles flew through the air, cut into my skin and split painfully through my heart.

My sight faded, everything went black.