#but because lauren is just strange enough to talk to something no there

[agelessforestchildren]

Eloise breaks the forth wall. And only her. She see's the camera and thinks of it as another person (accidental murder is just a normal thing in minecraft) The thing is she thinks everyone else can see the camera. So sometimes while in a conversation with another witch she talks to the camera for it's input only for the other witches to look at her like she's crazy.

[shayesinterlude]

Duke putting the batfam onto 90s and 2000s R&B

Like him bringing the seasoning to the Batfam’s music taste

Now you got Tim hacking whole overseas Government Agencies while humming Replay by Iyaz.

Red hood going 110 mph on his bike blasting Bust the Windows by Jasmine Sullivan.

Duke got Alfred cooking Sunday morning breakfast to Golden by Jill Scott (He’s ironically already a huge fan of neo soul?)

Bruce taking the long way home and listening to Ex Factor by Lauren Hill after an argument with Selina.

Just for him to be FLOORING it to Selina’s apartment to Faith Evans’s As Soon As I Get Home, to in fact, “make it up” to her a weekend later.

Duke has put on Bartender by T-Pain at a Wanye hosted gala at least once. Hired DJ was taking a bathroom break and Duke seen a opportunity.

Steph going around the Wayne manor talking about, “I remember when you laughed when I cut my perm off and you rated me a 6 😐💔..” to everyone for a straight week.

(And out of all the songs Duke tried to put Steph onto, It was Jeanelle Monaé’s Like That, that strangely stuck??)

Duke introduces Damian to Michael Jackson and now he’s having the canon MJ fixation all 2000’s kids had growing up.

Everyone’s spying on him from behind the stair railing (Bruce and Barb through surveillance storing this away for his graduation) while he plays the Michael Jackson Experience dance game in the living room. Duke couldn’t be prouder.

Human nature’s on loop at max volume he’s in the shower because it “relaxes his nerves” Not even Tim’s cruel enough to tell him MJ’s passed on years ago.

and EACH and EVERYTIME Duke catches them listening to something of his taste he MUST hit ‘em with the “AYE, NOW WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT 🤨??”

But his greatest influence would be on Cass

He has Cass wearing matching Soulja Boy fits with him to spirit week at school for 90’s day.

The two of them come down the staircase that morning. Boombox on Duke’s shoulder blaring Turn My Swag On for their grand entrance. Alfred does not approve.

And while Dick tests Duke’s ability to truly “Crank That” over breakfast.. Jason hovers over Cass.

Inspecting the ensemble of the polo, baggy jorts-that are basically pants-, and a sideways fitted cap all hanging off her. And upon the realization that it’s all his clothes; Jason’s frown becomes completely forced.

He also snorts a little after noting Cass’s unlaced shoes are actually Tim’s dunks with socks stuffed at toe box for a more comfortable fit. Tim who had already clocked that almost immediately on her way down the stairs doesn’t hide his amusement at this whole situation.

Bruce, hading already witnessed the giggling pair sneak into his closet the night before on the Manor’s surveillance. Watching Duke insist they “gotta be iced out” before picking a few very expensive pieces of jewelry to borrow. He sips his coffee without a word; their smiles are worth more.

Alfred draws the line at “bumping” Pretty Boy Swag while in the car riding line at school drop off

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

What if Bella was just a hallucination Edward was having but she didn't exist to anyone else?

Beautiful, anon, beautiful.

There's No New Girl in Forks

Midnight Sun starts a slight bit differently.

The Cullens are eating lunch as usual, Edward's bemoaning that he's in an endless purgatory of teenage filth (that he himself chose to frequent, Edward) and Edward vaguely notes the new girl that doesn't exist.

He's mildly surprised no one else seems to care about the new girl, she's good looking enough, he guesses, but it seems the denziens of Forks don't give a flying fuck.

He does get mildly annoyed when he sees that Jessica, Lauren, Mike, etc. are completely ignoring the girl at lunch. He knew Jessica was vain and self-centered, but this really goes beyond the pale. Wow, Forks sucks a lot.

Edward, however, doesn't comment on this to his family as it's just boring normal Forks behavior to him. He feels no need to acknowledge it's even happening and thinks his family's doing a great job being above it all (they're not as this girl doesn't actually exist).

Then Biology happens.

Edward Nearly Eats the Girl Who Doesn't Exist

Edward doesn't explain much of anything to the family.

He tells Carlisle he nearly ate someone (Bella Swan, Edward says, and Carlisle has a brief moment of 'who' but figures it's not worth focusing on when Edward seems to need to desperately leave the area) and then he's gone.

The Cullens try to puzzle out who it is/why Edward would react like that.

Someone must have had a nosebleed in Biology, they eventually figure, and like canon Alice feels terrible for missing it by focusing so much on what could happen to Jasper.

Edward comes back not long after and puts on a very brave face. The family's not as concerned this time around as they don't think it's a specific person's scent, all the same people are there after all, it must have just been a bad day/nose bleed. The likelihood of nosebleed happening again is probably pretty miniscule.

Carlisle gently reminds Edward that they tend to do blood testing in Biology and he may uh want to skip that day. Edward privately agrees but is mortified Carlisle says as much.

Edward Starts Talking to an Empty Seat

Edward interrogates the empty seat, determined to discover whether or not she's realized Edward is strange (the entire class now has as Edward's conversing with an empty chair, it's fucking weird, they figure he's role playing or something).

Edward finds himself intrigued, she gives answers he never would have suspected (almost as if she's not really a person).

This is terrible because the next day she's nearly hit by a van. Edward miraculously saves her in time.

His family wonders why the fuck Edward darted across the parking lot to save Jessica Stanley's front bumper.

"The rest of the car is totaled anyway" Emmett notes, Edward didn't even save the fucking car. And it's a really shitty car!

There's no vote that evening (despite Edward being shocked that there isn't one) as no one saw Edward's mad dash across the parking lot to not save Jessica's car.

Rosalie gives him hell for this, Edward thinks she's being callous dismissing Bella's life so easily and he points out that Bella could have died.

Rosalie thinks "Bella" is a hypothetical high school student who, in theory, could have been standing right there. She can't even.

Edward Starts Creeping in an Empty Room

Edward, unable to deny himself any longer, starts running out of the house to spy on the sleeping Bella in Charlie Swan's empty office that he thinks is a bedroom.

He asks himself why he saved her from the van and if she hasn't been sent here to torment him.

50/50 he eats Bella then and hides for several weeks from his family/potentially forever out of shame and the family has no idea what's happened to him and why the other 50 is he decides he must be in love.

Edward is in Love

Canon proceeds as Edward bails on his family to have lunch with an empty chair.

They feel vaguely insulted and very confused when Edward... starts talking to it about... theories.

"The fuck is he doing?" Rosalie asks, but then decides Edward's being a nerd or something. If she asks, Edward will just pretend Rosalie's the one being stupid and she won't fall for this obvious bait.

There's no Port Angeles as Alice doesn't have the vision that Bella's in danger (as Bella doesn't exist). Instead, eventually, Bella confesses that she discovered Edward's a vampire (how, unexplained, as she never went to La Push as I don't think Edward would make that connection)

"This woman is a saint" Edward breathes as she professes to love him anyway despite his vampirism. He takes her to the meadow and nearly eats her. What he's really doing, of course, is frolicking around by himself in the sunlight with a blouse on.

Edward has a great time.

Then comes the moment.

Edward invites Bella over to meet his family.

The Family Feels Very Taken Aback

"What?" they all ask, "Who?"

This is even worse than canon, where Bella Swan at least existed, and they saw Edward have conversations with her/nearly eat her. This is coming completely out of left field.

They don't even know a Bella! Where the fuck is she from?

"Oh, you're hilarious," Edward responds, laughing, thinking Carlisle's making a joke about how small of a town Forks is and how unlikely it is Edward would find his soulmate right here in high school.

Carlisle's not joking.

The family has an emergency meeting trying to figure out what anyone knows about this. Alice has seen nothing, she hasn't even seen this girl come over, there's a giant blank space.

Edward postulates that she's also immune to Alice's gift. It explains a lot, there's a lot that Alice should have been picking up on and since she's immune to Edward as well it would make sense.

"Uh, sure" Alice says, not sure how to feel about this at all or that a complete stranger is about to enter her life and might become a sister.

(She puts on a very brave face.)

Rosalie thinks this is a horrible idea. Edward, this girl has no reason to get involved. You've potentially ruined her life for no reason, behind everyone's back, what the fuck.

Edward tells her she wouldn't understand and likely makes a crack about Emmett.

Regardless, it's made clear, the girl's coming over in a few hours.

Rosalie bolts, she can't do this. She will not be a part of this, she needs to process and she is out! Emmett goes with her.

This leaves the rest of them. They hold their breath...

The Emperor Has No Clothes

Edward opens the door for nobody.

He talks to thin air, as if there's a person there, and looks at them as if expecting them to react. They have 0.005 seconds.

Esme recovers first and greets Bella with a warm smile. She punches Carlisle in the stomach, "Play along, dear!" as she assumes Edward's playing a game of some sort and this is some kind of hilarious (but not really) joke.

"Welcome to our house... Bella..." Carlisle somehow manages.

Alice and Jasper quickly disappear, they want no part in this.

Edward gives the thin air a tour of the house getting into a weird amount of Carlisle's personal history with it (Carlisle really really really doesn't feel comfortable about this).

Esme decides she should make pasta. Her name's "Bella" right? Isn't that Italian?

":/" - Carlisle Cullen

Eventually, Bella leaves, and Edward informs the family they did a marvelous job "EXCEPT FOR YOU, ROSALIE".

The family just kind of smiles awkwardly and laughs, waiting for Edward to drop the punch line of it all being a joke.

He doesn't.

The family has an emergency meeting.

Is Edward Fucking with Us?

There's heated debate while Edward's out creeping on Bella for the night as the family sees a few options.

One is that Bella exists but can be neither seen, nor heard, nor smelled. This is Esme's theory. It's... politely dropped.

Another is that Edward believes Bella exists and has gone completely mad. This is also moved past. It's a theory, and Edward has been acting a bit erratic (especially when Peter and Charlotte were visiting) but he's very consistent and this is also the first they've really heard of this.

A third is that Edward's getting passive aggressive bizarre revenge for the unspoken desire for him to get a girlfriend already. Nobody's said anything, nobody thought it was that big of a deal, but Edward must have been chafing at always being the odd man out and being pitied that this is his way of finally having enough.

This last is what they eventually settle on.

Rosalie still can't even.

"Well, what are we going to do about it?"

Alice sees confronting Edward going very bad places. Very... argumentative places, Edward apparently won't be breaking character until after the DVD commentary.

The best thing they can do, she informs them, is go along with it until Edward gets bored and realizes this is silly and nobody cares that he's single.

They all acknowledge that, as it's Edward and he's very stubborn, that could take a while...

Bella's Invited to a Baseball Game

Alice notes that it's a great day to play baseball! Oh, oh, Bella's coming too? Oh. Great.

Edward notes his family's lack of enthusiasm and informs them that they're being awful (ESPECIALLY YOU, ROSALIE) Think about it from Bella's perspective who has been so accepting of their nature. And here they are, acting like she's dirt beneath their feet.

"Alright, fine," Rosalie says, "I'll be the nicest person ever."

Edward watches in horror and embarrassment as Rosalie proceeds to be almost saccharine sweet to Bella (Bella of course is very flustered by the attention but is too naive to realize Rosalie's not being sincere at all).

The baseball game goes ahead as schelduled then to Edward's horror other vampires show up.

The Cullens... pause. Are they going to stop pretending now? Edward? Edward? Please? This will get very weird very fast and potentially dangeorus. Edward?!

Edward doesn't say anything but he starts acting really shifty, as if he's trying to hide someone from James, Victoria, and Laurent. He's also snarling.

"This is Edward," Carlisle introduces lamely.

As there's no tasty human to goad the Cullens with, while James is intrigued by Alice, I imagine he's actually too weirded out to do anything. They go on their way.

Edward is tormented he put Bella's life in such danger and vows to never do so again.

"... I think that's entirely possible" Carlisle notes, as Bella doesn't exist to be out in danger.

They Throw Bella a Birthday Party

Summer approaches and Bella is now invited to the house every day. The family vacates any room Edward's in as they don't want to be forced to talk to "Bella". Esme keeps making her cupcakes.

They frequently ask Alice how to make it stop or else when it will stop but so far as she can tell Edward will never decide to stop doing this so...

"For the foreseeable future" is what Alice notes much to the collective "ugh" of the family.

Emmett's just mildly disturbed by how in character Edward's getting. Though he does think Edward's waxing poetry about Bella is fucking hilarious (he doesn't know how he feels given that Edward's now funnier than him).

"Rock on, Edward" Emmett says.

Edward makes Alice throw Bella a birthday party.

Alice really doesn't want to. At all. She feels like Edward's just mocking her at this point. Even she's wondering when this will end.

Regardless, a birthday party is had and Alice is dismayed to learn that "Bella" didn't even want one. The girl is apparently too shy for parties or presents. Edward made her do this for nothing.

"Alice loves parties" - Edward to Bella

Jasper doesn't eat Bella because she doesn't exist. A very awkward party is had by all.

Things Continue

Things continue up until graduation at which point Edward professes he intends to leave Bella to live her human life for good.

("Thank fucking god" Rosalie says, it's a dumb conclusion to this dumb debacle but at least it's fucking over.)

They all conclude it's over and done with and gleefully plan the next move.

Except Edward ups and leaves.

He doesn't go to Rio, as there's no Victoria to chase, but he notes he needs some time to process his time away from Bella.

"... Sure, you do that" they all say, not sure what this is about but figuring Edward needs his space.

Edward leaves and... drops off the map. He stops calling, doesn't respond to them, and they start to get very worried. What the hell is going on with him?

Alice warns that any attempt at an intervention will lead to disaster. Just... let Edward get over this.

Edward likely goes to Dartmouth where the Bella in his head has gone to college. He watches her from afar, despairing when she gets a wonderful, intellectual, human boyfriend.

Edward sooner or later caves and decides to live apart from his family for the duration of Bella Swan's human life.

Eventually, We Reach Volterra

Edward goes to Volterra to kill himself when Bella dies.

Aro is greeted with this story (which from Edward's perspective is very real). "Oh, what a tragic story!" Aro notes, but as in canon notes he's not killing Edward over this.

Edward walks in the sun, there's no Bella to stop him.

Upon meeting the rest of the Cullens in the aftermath... Aro awkwardly learns there was no Bella.

He decides not to tell them that uh Edward wasn't joking.

[angelhummel]

Spin the Bottle ft. the ND Girls

pick a number, then click "read more" to see who you got! No peeking bc it's not as fun then :(

Quinn. The two of you share the most passionate kiss of your life. You're pretty stunned when you finally pull back, only to see Quinn looking over at her ex instead of you. She was just using you to make them jealous. You're strangely okay with that

Unique. You're both equally giggly and nervous before the kiss, but it ends up being incredibly sweet and cute. You don't date, but become fast friends after the party. Besties who sometimes still kiss. In a totally platonic friend way. That's a thing, right?

Santana. When the bottle lands on her, she practically lunges across the circle to kiss you. You end up hooking up after the party. At school the next Monday she claims she has no memory of said hookup. You fool around again. She pretends it never happened. Again. The cycle continues indefinitely

Sugar. She's super excited to kiss you, which you find flattering. The kiss is nice but brief, and immediately afterwards she starts making plans for a date. She takes you shopping the next weekend, and you quickly realize it's all just a ploy to buy you some better clothes. You accept the free stuff without an argument

Rachel. You're both pretty drunk but enjoy the sloppy makeout sesh. Afterwards she declares you her new duet partner. You blow everyone away with your musical chemistry. You share a few more equally spectacular duets in glee club until eventually she breaks up with you, claiming you keep trying to upstage her

Lauren. You barely even have time to register who the bottle lands on before Lauren is grabbing you and pulling you in for a kiss. It's the best kiss of your life. You try to talk to her about it after the party, and she says if you talk to her again she'll kick your ass

Suzy Pepper. Wait, what? You're pretty sure she graduated several years ago. How'd she even hear about this party? You share a quick peck and hope that's the end of it. It's not. You start receiving phone calls in the middle of the night and hear nothing but breathing on the other end. Peppers appear in your locker, your backpack, even on your pillow. You think you see the reflection of her glasses out of the corner of your eye. When does it end?

Tina. You both can barely stop giggling long enough to actually kiss. But once you do, there's no stopping you. No one else can keep playing the game because you're both laying on top of the bottle, so the circle disperses as everyone tries to find something else to do. You start officially dating after the party, and are inseparable for the rest of the school year

Mercedes. Both of you laugh and roll your eyes before the kiss, lamenting on how silly this game is. But there's an undeniable spark after the kiss. You date in secret afterwards, trying to avoid the drama of having the whole club involved in your relationship. You go your separate ways after graduation but agree to keep in touch as friends

Brittany. The two of you make out while everyone cheers you on. You spend the rest of the night dancing together. When you try to talk to her about it at school the next week, she claims she doesn't know what you're talking about. She vividly remembers making out with a rainbow unicorn who then took her to the space disco. You're too confused to bother with it any further

[breakerwhiskey]

159 - ONE HUNDRED FIFTY NINE

Please visit breakerwhiskey.com for more information or to send a message to Whiskey's radio. Breaker Whiskey is an Atypical Artists production created by Lauren Shippen. If you'd like to support the show, please visit patreon.com/breakerwhiskey.

Transcript under the cut. For more episodes, click here.

[click, static]

Okay, this sucks.

[click, static]

Not talking about where I’ve been driving…it sucks. I want to talk about what I’m seeing, the landscapes, the funny town names, the strange roadside attractions. But I worry that if I do, I’ll easily give myself away and then…

Well, I’m not sure what I expect the worst case scenario to be, but I’m getting…paranoid again. A bit how I was when we first escaped. A bit how Harry always is.

I did find something today that I don’t think would give away much, because I’m sure this isn’t the only one that exists but…it’s a tiny little church. Like, tiny tiny. Basically just an altar and enough room for a few people to stand. What on earth is this for? The world’s smallest parish? Private prayer? They’re certainly not filling the pews on Sunday, there aren’t any pews.

It’s overgrown, like everything else, and it’s even more lovely because of it. Like it's not a house of worship for god, but for nature. As small as it can be so as not to intrude on the free landscape around it.

I have very rarely thought about what my imaginary wedding would be like, mostly because, well, I never really thought I’d have one. Not only for the obvious reasons, the, you know, legal reasons, but because even if it was allowed, or we just wanted to do it for us, fuck whatever the law or the church says���I don’t know that I ever really thought I’d find someone for life. And then, when I did meet somebody who—

Well, there were other problems, weren’t there?

But if I were to have a wedding ceremony, even just for the hell of it, I certainly never would have picked a church. But I think I could see a wedding happening here. A tiny white chapel, surrounded by green, just big enough for the people you trust the most. Pocket-sized and private.

It’s a silly thought. I doubt they ever had weddings at this chapel. Most people want a lot of people at their weddings, a big celebrations. This church couldn’t hold all of that.

[click, static]

I just want to be able to share this with someone. For finding the other survivors to finally become easy. For there to be others to find.

[click, static]

[beeps]

[fuckthisshitimoutyall]

begging you to recommend me freaky fucked up dutch lit

Ok ok ok,,, so!

I have compiled a lil list for you, here's the thing though. These luckily do have english translations and depending on if you are Dutch/speak Dutch you will probably have heard of these. You will have seen them on the reading lists during high school because although your teacher tries to find something for everything and be a bit more modern,, it’s not all that successful.

sidenote for context:

Oftentimes, Dutch lit is not really for me. this has to do with the high school thing. reading levels in the Netherlands are down, about every year there will be some boomer or other complaining them youngsters don’t read anymore. True, but I vehemently believe this is because of what we had to read in high school. Because although its great if literature is weird, I mean yay artistic expression! Not too handy dandy when trying to introduce a bunch of teens to it to just throw em in the deep end and hope they’ve read them by the end of the year. It’s kind of a IYKYK thing. (it’s a rather complicated matter and this is a very condensed version of it but if I talk about that you’ll get an essay to get my thoughts across instead of what you’ve asked me which is some recommendations.)

Another bit of context: dutch lit doesn’t really shy away from religious, sexual, and sometimes gory themes. Infidelity sometimes feels a bit like the norm. Also lot of it is very straight (incest too). That being said, dutch literature has plenty of great stuff too (kader abdoulah has some cool stuff but is a lot less weird than trad dutch lit)

Having all That out of the way: FuckyWucky dutch lit incoming!:

(I have copied the descriptions from goodreads because I have not read all of these and if I were to go as far as do so this ask would not be answered for another two years)

De avond is ongemak/The discomfort of evening by Lucas Rijneveld

(The first one that reminded me when weird dutch lit comes to pass)

“I thought about being too small for so much, but that no one told you when you were big enough ... and I asked God if he please couldn't take my brother Matthies instead of my rabbit. 'Amen.'

Jas lives with her devout farming family in the rural Netherlands. One winter's day, her older brother joins an ice skating trip; resentful at being left alone, she makes a perverse plea to God; he never returns. As grief overwhelms the farm, Jas succumbs to a vortex of increasingly disturbing fantasies, watching her family disintegrate into a darkness that threatens to derail them all.

De engelenmaker/The angelmaker by Stefan Brijs

The village of Wolfheim is a quiet little place until the geneticist Dr. Victor Hoppe returns after an absence of nearly twenty years. The doctor brings with him his infant children-three identical boys all sharing a disturbing disfigurement. He keeps them hidden away until Charlotte, the woman who is hired to care for them, begins to suspect that the triplets-and the good doctor- aren't quite what they seem. As the villagers become increasingly suspicious, the story of Dr. Hoppe's past begins to unfold, and the shocking secrets that he has been keeping are revealed. A chilling story that explores the ethical limits of science and religion, The Angel Maker is a haunting tale in the tradition of The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and Frankenstein . Brought to life by internationally bestselling author Stefan Brijs, this eerie tale promises to get under readers' skin.

Het smelt/The Melting by Lize Spit

Eva can trace the route to Pim's farm with her eyes closed, even though she has not been to Bovenmeer for many years. There she grew up among the rape fields and dairy farms. There lies also the root of all their grief.

Eva was one of three children born in her small Flemish town in 1988. Growing up alongside the boys Laurens and Pim, Eva sought refuge from her loveless family life in the company of her two friends. But with adolescence came a growing awareness of their burgeoning sexuality. Driven by their newly found desires, the children begin a game that will have serious and violent consequences for them all. Thirteen years after the summer she's tried for so long to forget, Eva is returning to her village. Everything fell apart that summer, but this time she'll be prepared. She has a large block of ice in her car boot and she's ready to settle the score...

Tirza/Tirza by Arnon Grunberg

Jorgen Hofmeester once had it all: a beautiful wife, a nice house with a garden in an upperclass neighborhood in Amsterdam, a respectable job as an editor, two lovely daughters named Ibi and Tirza, and a large amount of money in a Swiss bank account. But during the preparations for Tirza's graduation party, we come to know what he has lost. His wife has left him; Ibi is starting a bed and breakfast in France, an idea which he opposed; the director of the publishing house has fired him; and his savings accounts have vanished in the wake of 9/11.

But Hoffmeester still has Tirza, until she introduces him to her new boyfriend, Choukri - who bears a disturbing resemblance to Mohammed Atta - and they announce their plans to spend several months in Africa. A heartrending and masterful story of a man seeking redemption, Tirza marks a high point in Grunberg's still-developing oeuvre.

(also I think believe he has a thing for his daughters)

De donkere kamer van Damocles/The darkroom of Damocles by Willem Frederik Hermans

During the German occupation of Holland, tobacconist Henri Osewoudt is visited by Dorbeck. Dorbeck is Osewoudt's spitting image in reverse. Henri is blond and beardless, with a high voice; Dorbeck is dark-haired, and his voice deep.

Dorbeck gives Osewoudt a series of dangerous assignments: helping British agents and eliminating traitors. But the assassinations get out of hand...

The story of Osewoudt's fateful wanderings through a sadistic universe is thrilling. Is Osewoudt hero or villain? Or is he a psychopath, driven by delusions? It is the impossibility of ascertaining whether Osewoudt was on the "right" side or the "wrong" side - the moral issue of the Second World War in a nutshell - that makes Hermans' novel as breathtaking now as when it was written a decade after the war.

Having given these five recs, this is like the tip of the iceberg

[cozycompositions]

@febuwhump Alt Day 1: Rope Burns

Hello, Lovelies! Long time no see, but I will be having an angsty field day here :) Febuwhump just gets my muse going so well. My master list is going to be dominated by this. @that-gal-kay this may be a good read for you!

•••

“Alexander,” Washington whisper-shouted. “Knock it off.”

Hamilton did his best to cast a withering glare to the general, but ceased his struggling anyway. They had been captured on the road, a trivial journey to Albany to visit with some baron or another. They were unarmed, by the house owners own request, and realized a moment too late that their hosts had not had their best interests at heart.

“We’ve got to get you out of here, sir. We’ve no idea the information the baron gave them, and we have no way to warn John if they decide to-“

The deafening screech of the door cut off Hamilton’s musings. The redcoat who Hamilton had previously noted as their captor entered the dark room (cell) with a dangerous aura. He had been in here before, he had asked his questions (all of which the soldiers had refused to answer), and left without further fuss. Alexander had noted to Washington the strangeness of the man’s method. He didn’t feel right.

“Ready to tell us what we want to know, general?” the redcoat questioned, “My patience is growing thin. Your treatment has been thus forth gentle, and I would hate for one of you to be hurt because you can’t follow orders.”

Washington had heard the man’s questions, had been here for hours with the same inquiries being repeated over and over. This man either was stupid enough to think Washington would - would ever - give up such valuable information, or worse, he wasn’t betting on it.

Washington had seen many men like this, psychotic men who knew how the human mind worked. No, he wasn’t stupid. This was a soldier, a general maybe, and he had a plan.

“His Excellency would never be so inclined as to willingly hand over such information to the likes of you, sir,” Hamilton’s voice cut through George’s musings.

“Easy, Hamilton,” Washington murmured. This boy was going to be the death of him, maybe literally, if he didn’t stop talking. Alexander was trying to appear unfazed by their captor, but Washington could see through his guarded persona, Alexander was deeply unnerved by this man.

Hamilton turned his head towards the general slightly before feeling a painful tearing at his scalp has he was jerked straight again.

“Eyes on me,” the redcoat hissed, “I’m done playing with you two. Tell me what I want to know before I do something we will all regret.”

The redcoat’s entire demeanor had changed. Gone was his sinister smile, replaced with a much more expected yet equally terrifying scowl. His brow was furrowed so tight that Alexander wondered if it would be stuck like that.

Washington jerked in his restraints. This man was harming Hamilton, was hurting Alexander, and this sparked an anger in Washington like he hadn’t felt since that Godforsaken battle so long ago. His struggling took on a new desperation as the redcoat leaned close - far too close - to Hamilton’s face.

“You’ve a bright future, Lieutenant Hamilton. I’m sure you can easily convince your fellow rebels of the tragic tale of General Washington’s capture, as I may be so inclined to release you on good behavior…”

Washington tried to make eye contact with Alexander, attempting to urge him silently to not do anything rash. George didn’t even know which option was better: give up valuable information to save Hamilton’s life, or say nothing and they both die anyway. No, Washington had heard the questions, knew that information like that, information only Hamilton and John Laurens knew could kill their entire cause if in the wrong hands. But he couldn’t bare to think of Hamilton dead-

“I would sooner die than give into your meager attempt at bait to betray my cause, scum.”

Alexander was cut off by his own startled cry at the sharp slap to his face that followed. He glared up at the redcoat with his best defiant look, a small bleeding cut on his face where a man wears his ring.

“Suit yourself, Colonel. I’ve given you plenty a chance and you have wasted them. You’re going to play my way now,” the man grabbed Hamilton roughly by the collar and hauled him up. Washington shouted, beginning to struggle once more.

Alexander struggled, too. He jerked and kicked, scrambling for purchase as the redcoat tugged him towards the opposite wall. Washington felt the skin being rubbed off of his wrists, but his struggles didn’t cease because he was going to hurt Alexander. His so- his aide was going to be harmed and he couldn’t stop it.

Alexander was shoved to his knees in front of George, so close yet too far for Washington to reach out and touch him had he not been tied up, and the redcoat pulled the ropes more taught around his already bleeding wrists.

Hamilton wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of hearing him cry out in pain.

“You idiot! I’ll kill you, let me go! I swear to Providence, I will wipe you off the face of the-!”

“Hamilton!”

Alexander snapped his head to the right, straining to make eye contact with Washington. It was only one word - calling Alexander’s name - but it was an order.

Don’t be stupid.

Hamilton’s eyes were cleared of his fury for but a moment, before being torn away from Washington’s gaze when he received a sharp kick to the ribs.

“- - !”

He tries to speak, tried to shout some kind of obscenity at his now torturer. But nothing but a pathetic wheeze could makes its way past his lips as he felt something snap in his chest and push painfully.

“Tell me where your primary headquarters are,” the redcoat demanded.

Now Washington understood. This man was going to use Hamilton to break him, he knew what he was doing. He knew he was harming a man’s child.

And he knew the lengths a father will go to to protect his son.

“I can’t tell you,” Washington said anyway. Could he give up the lives of dozens, hundreds of men for this one boy?

There was another kick delivered, to the side of Hamilton’s head. This time he did cry out, listing to the side as blood began pooling down his jawline. Washington jerked forward, desperate to get to his aide and check on him.

“Answer me or I’ll beat him dead where he kneels. Don’t test me, General.” The redcoat spat out the title.

And on it went.

The man would ask a question, receive no answer, and Alexander slowly faded further away. He fought to remain conscious, he was strong, he wouldn’t give this man the ability to make him give up. He was Alexander Hamilton for a reason.

Washington struggled, too. He found himself resorting to begging for Hamilton’s life; He couldn’t give this man the information he wanted. He just couldn’t. But nothing could match the emotional pain Washington felt at seeing his aide, his bright, young Alexander slowly being taken away from this world.

Alexander’s eyes were half lidded, dilated beyond healthy, and no longer reacting to the brutal beating he was receiving.

“Stop!” Washington shouted, “Stop! Get away from him! You’re killing him!” His voice was becoming hoarser by the minute, and Hamilton was slipping farther.. farther…

Eventually the boy lost his battle and fell limp. From blood loss, fear, pain, or a combination of the three Washington didn’t know.

“Tell me what I want to know!”

“I can’t!”

“Well then,” the man pulled his heel back from Hamilton’s head, “have fun watching your whelp die, Your Excellency. The great General Washington indeed.”

The door slammed shut, and Washington was left deafened by the silence. It was unnerving.

“Hamilton,” he prodded gently, still unable to reach out for his boy.

“Alexander,” he said louder when he received no response.

Washington could tell, could feel that Hamilton was faded long gone. But he continued to pull and tug against the bonds that kept him from his aide.

Then he heard it, a soft moan from Alexander’s lips - or maybe just escaping air after death.

But no, that was Hamilton’s head that had moved, ever so slightly. And his voice calling out,

“Sir?” his shaky voice called, barely above a whisper.

“Hamilton,” Washington breathed, so relieved, “Oh, my dear boy,”

Hamilton’s head shifted towards the voice, eyes now swollen and bruised beyond seeing, but still twitching towards the familiar vernacular.

“Listen, Hamilton, it’s going to be okay, it’s going to be alright,”

Washington’s struggling took on a new wave of life, the burns and blood on his wrists long forgotten.

Hamilton was still holding on, and Washington was going to get them out of there.

“I’m never going to let them hurt you again.”

[dweetwise]

[Riconti] The Long Con (part 3/6)

Where Felix's play-act (or lack thereof) continues to give Ace whiplash. Rated T | 3.7k words | ao3 link [previous] [next]

Ace found the group in animated discussion amongst themselves.

Unfortunately, he couldn't quite make out the words; he'd read up on his German before the trip and could understand casual conversation well enough, but the noise in the tent was getting progressively louder as the day went on.

"Ace!" Lauren was the first to notice him, making the conversation instantly die out.

Okay. No question what they'd been talking about, then.

"Sorry about that," Ace said as he took his seat, then grinned good-naturedly. "Meg seems to think she has to keep me out of trouble instead of the other way around."

The group chuckled—even Felix, which made Ace startle a little and look at him in surprise.

"I, ähm." Felix cleared his throat, then pushed a full glass of beer in Ace's direction. "We ordered another round while you were gone."

"You mean you ordered. For four," Lauren said pointedly.

"...Yes," Felix said, still intently staring at the drink. "But if you don't want it—"

"No, no, this is great!" Ace's wide smile wasn't even fake as he grabbed the large glass. "I had no idea what type to get earlier. I trust your taste much more."

Something in Felix's shoulders seemed to loosen at that. "Oh. Good."

Reading the expectant atmosphere, Ace brought the mug up for a taste of the new beer. Meg would no doubt have yelled at him for accepting drinks from strangers, but that was mostly something Ace had drilled into her head for her safety.

The beer was…okay. Ace's choice of drink was usually wine—man, he'd kill for a chilled glass of good Chardonnay right now—but this particular brand at least went down much easier than the swill Ace had bought at first.

“Hmm.” Ace licked some beer foam from his mustache. "This is actually really good."

"I'm glad," Felix said and then—oh god, he smiled at Ace, making him somehow even more handsome. "It's my favorite. It's, ah…it's very light compared to most beers here."

"Felix doesn't like beer," Lauren attempted to stage-whisper to Ace, but because of the volume required to be heard she almost ended up shouting it.

"A disgrace to all of Deutschland," Daniel added, shaking his head.

Felix's mouth pressed into a line as he stared at the two. Ace merely barked out a delighted laugh.

"Oh thank god, then I can safely admit I'm not much for beer, either," Ace said. "I almost asked the bartender for a wine list, but I figured that wouldn't go over well."

Lauren laughed, but Felix looked curious. "Really? What's your favorite kind?"

Ace was still reeling from Felix's sudden interest in him. "I, uh, I'm kind of partial to Torrontés—call it Argentinian pride, if you will."

Ace's joke only received confused looks.

"Oh, right," Ace remembered. "I'm originally from Argentina. I moved to the states about thirty years ago."

Ace mentally winced at the slip-up. He usually pretended to be younger than he actually was, but now they'd all be able to place him at around fifty. How difficult was it to say, "My family moved to the states"?

If Felix realized that, he didn't seem bothered. In fact, he was turning to face Ace even more. "Where in Argentina?" Felix asked.

"Oh. Buenos Aires area." Felix smiled at that, so Ace added, "Have you been?"

"No, but I want to someday,'' Felix said. "Back in university, I actually did a project on sustainable low-income housing communities. I used the slums of Rio and Buenos Aires as examples and I'd like to go one day, since I read so much about them."

Something strange twisted in Ace's chest. "You wanna go…to the slums?"

"Not—not just there." Felix fidgeted. "I'm sure Argentina and Brazil are beautiful countries with many sights to offer. It would just be interesting to see the cities for myself."

"The tiny house utopia is his long-standing passion project of his," Lauren butted in. "Of course, it's impossible to implement outside of a small scale in a handful of cities, and even then the target audience wouldn't be able to afford the houses."

"That's why I'm refining the idea,'' Felix stressed, like they'd had this conversation a hundred times before. "If the infrastructure was lighter, it could balance out the cost but still support the needs of—"

"U-to-pi-a," Lauren repeated. Felix narrowed his eyes.

Ace awkwardly looked between the two as a tense silence settled over the table. He might not know anything about house building, but the idea of Felix strolling through Ace's old stomping grounds with nothing but a thousand-dollar suit and hopeless optimism was hilariously absurd.

Ah, out-of-touch rich people. Never change.

Eventually, Daniel sighed. "I thought you weren't supposed to talk about work today."

"Oh." Felix looked at Ace, seeming embarrassed. "Sorry. We must be boring you."

"No, no!" Ace said. "I'll admit I don't know the first thing about architecture. I guess I just always thought the projects were more…"

Felix’s lip quirked up in a small smirk. "Pretentious?"

Ace chuckled. "Yeah."

"Architecture is universal," Felix said. "Everyone needs a roof over their head as well as schools, hospitals and libraries. And before something can be built, someone has to design it—whether that's a famous architect or the village lumberjack is irrelevant."

Ace blinked at the impromptu speech. This was all way above his pay grade; philosophical ruminations about saving the world didn't tend to come up when you were professionally fucking people over for money in order to scrape by.

"I've never thought about it that way before," Ace admitted.

That seemed to have been the right thing to say, because Felix smiled again and they all sipped their drinks in comfortable silence. The atmosphere was notably different from before—Ace still struggled to believe Felix had said so many words in one go—and Ace idly wondered if his lucky charm had actually worked.

"So…" Felix finally said. "You're a father?"

Oh. That was what had brought on the sudden change of heart? Seeing Meg walk up and sass her fake dad?

Admittedly, Ace had never played the "devoted single father" role to get closer to a target before, but he could work that angle.

"Yeah." Ace chuckled. "Though Meg's at that age where she'd rather be anywhere but seen with her old man."

Felix smiled brightly and Ace's face suddenly felt a little warm.

"And her mother?" Lauren asked. "Is she here?"

She winked at Felix in a way that was probably supposed to be sneaky but was anything but.

Felix sputtered, then hissed, "Stop that!" in German.

Lauren merely smirked, but Ace's confidence rose about tenfold. Felix’s best friend trying to set him up with a man was a very good sign in Ace’s favor.

"Oh, no." Ace laughed politely. "It's just me and Meg—has been for a while. Even if she's an adult, it's just…difficult for some people to understand that the kid always comes first."

Felix was eagerly leaning closer and Lauren was practically vibrating in her seat from excitement. Wow, they were really eating this shit up, huh?

"You guys have kids?" Ace asked, looking between Lauren and Daniel.

"I do," Felix said.

Ace physically recoiled in surprise. "Really?" he asked, the confusion in his voice entirely genuine. "You do?"

"Yes, a daughter." Felix smiled warmly. "She's six. Her name is Klara."

Ace struggled to picture this man as a doting father. He'd been so cold and disinterested, but now he was smiling softly and Ace could practically hear the fondness for his daughter in his voice.

"That's…that's great," Ace said dumbly. 

It definitely was not; now Ace had to figure out if he'd been hitting on a married family man the entire time and Lauren was just fucking around. Had Ace missed a wedding ring? Dammit, he really didn't want a repeat of the shotgun incident.

Ace forced a chuckle. "Guess we have more in common than I thought."

"I suppose we do," Felix said.

There was a beat of silence where Felix kept smiling at Ace and Ace awkwardly grinned back, silently wondering if Felix was excited about a new dad friend or thinking about how to get into Ace's pants.

And then Lauren smacked her hands flat on the table and Felix startled and jumped in his seat.

"Well, I'm going for a cigarette!" Lauren loudly announced, moving to stand up.

Daniel frowned. "Since when do you sm—"

"And you're coming with me for company!" Lauren said, looking meaningfully at her husband.

"Ähm…should we move to another tent to wait?" Felix asked.

"No, no!" Lauren hurried to add. "We'll be right back. You two stay and brag about your daughters like proud single fathers."

Before anyone got a word in, Lauren was dragging her husband off.

Ace tried not to smirk as she watched them leave. That had been as subtle as a freight train, but at least now Ace knew that there was no wife-slash-husband waiting for Felix at home with a firearm in hand.

"So," Ace said, "you wanna start the bragging, or should I?"

Felix chuckled, seeming to relax again. "That's a risky offer. I've heard that once I start talking about Klara, I never stop."

"Well, fortunately, I'm stuck here for at least six more hours because of a concert my kiddo wants to see," Ace said, propping an elbow on the table and resting his head in his hand like he was in no rush to leave. "Do your worst."

"Alright." Felix was silent for a few seconds, then smiled. "Last year, Klara actually won an art contest in the local newspaper."

"Ah, an artist!" Ace exclaimed happily. "What did she draw?"

"She drew our house, and…" Felix paused. "Actually, I still have pictures on my phone, if you want to…?"

Ace grinned. "Bring it on."

═════════════ ♤ ═════════════

Felix really wasn't kidding about having a lot to say about his daughter. Over the next half hour, Ace saw what was probably a hundred photos of Klara; and sure, the kid was cute enough, but this was a little excessive. 

Still, this was the most effective way to get close to Felix, so Ace played along: even asking questions and "aww"ing at the right places.

He also pretended not to be upset by the realization that he didn't have any pictures of Meg. Had it really been four years without them taking even one single ugly selfie together?

Most of Felix's photos were taken in the same expensive-looking living room, or a large garden with a koi pond—seriously, who the hell owned a koi pond!?—or with a backdrop or what looked like a goddamn mansion, and it quickly became apparent that Felix's house was even more fancy than Ace initially thought.

And probably ripe with more luxury watches and expensive knick-knacks for easy pickings, if only he could get inside it.

But that might be too greedy. Yes, Felix seemed to like Ace on some level, but inviting him home was a big step from sharing a beer and bonding over their kids.

"Oh," Felix said, abruptly glancing at his super-watch. "I've been talking for nearly half an hour." He looked up at Ace, eyes widening in realization. "I'm so sorry—"

"Hey, no!" Ace held up his hands in surrender. "I was the one who asked, and you even warned me beforehand. This is fun, keep going."

"I, ähm." Felix paused to drink some of his neglected beer. "I'd like to hear about you and Meg, as well."

"My turn to talk, huh?" Ace said. "I can do that."

Now, Ace didn't know that much about Meg's life before he met her, but it was easy enough to make up fake accomplishments. Getting A's in gym class ever since first grade; winning a few spelling bees; kicking Ace's ass at poker as soon as he taught her the rules; being captain of the track team in high school…

And Felix was eating it all up. The more Ace humble-bragged about his fake daughter's fake achievements, the more Felix relaxed and leaned further into Ace's personal space.

"She could probably get a sports scholarship to almost any college," Ace lied. "But I don’t wanna pressure her into it if she wants to do something else instead."

"That’s a good mindset," Felix said. "She’s lucky to have a parent like you."

Ace took a strategically timed sip of beer to hide his almost-snort. Yeah, Ace was dad of the year material, all right.

Unfortunately, he was also starting to run out of things to tell about Meg that didn't involve hundreds of petty crimes. Ace glanced at the still-empty seats across the table and decided that since there was a natural lull in the conversation, he might as well bring up the elephant in the room.

"Well, that is officially the longest smoke break I've seen," Ace said, gesturing at Lauren and Daniel's seats.

“Yes, um…” Felix fidgeted. "Maybe I should call Lauren?”

Crap; that was apparently a bad move.

"I mean, it's not like they don't know where to find us," Ace hurried to add. "If I still smoked, we could join them, but alas."

Felix perked up at that. "You quit?"

"Yeah, a few years ago." Ace shot Felix a lopsided grin. "Feels a little hypocritical to lecture your rebellious teenage daughter about the dangers of smoking if you're going through two packs a week."

Felix smiled softly. "That's a very mature way to think about it."

Okay, crisis successfully averted. This was almost too easy, as Felix still seemed extremely attracted to anything that involved Ace doing dad things.

Time to pull out the big guns.

Ace smiled ruefully and slid his thumb over his beer glass. "And after what happened to her mother, smoking in front of Meg felt a little… I'm sorry, you probably don't want to hear about that."

Felix looked interested and Ace spared a brief thought to recognize how messed up it was to use a dead woman's memory to manipulate a target.

But it wasn't like Ace hadn't already earned an express ticket to hell with the life that he'd led. He might as well embrace it.

And thus, Ace told the sob story about Meg's mother slowly losing the battle against cancer. For once, he didn't even have to color the events: just the truth was enough to tug at anyone's heartstrings.

"That's terrible," Felix said once Ace was done. His whole face was downcast, eyes swimming with sympathy. "I can't even imagine how it felt to lose a wife and mother who was so young."

Oh. Ace hadn't exactly planned to appear as a widower, but if it was working…

"I came out okay, I think—all things considered." Ace half-smiled. "I was more worried about Meg. She just…her entire world practically collapsed."

Ace's mind flashed back to seventeen-year old Meg, scrawny and scared and completely alone. He had to swallow a sudden lump in his throat; it looked like he wouldn't even have to bring out the crocodile tears for this one.

"I just…tried to be enough," Ace said, his mouth moving before he even registered what he was saying. "I know I can never replace her mom, but I can at least be there for her. Because I'm all she has left."

Ace bit his lip to shut himself up, something in his chest squeezing unpleasantly. He had to remember that Felix wanted the fake sob story of Ace being an amazing dad, not the ugly truth about crimes and homelessness and having no fucking clue how to take care of Meg or anyone who wasn't himself.

"And that's why we're here!" Ace said with fake cheer. "Meg's always wanted to go to Europe, she's old enough to drink now, and she used to listen to Kate Denson's music with her mom. This festival just seemed like the perfect fit."

"I'm sure she loves it," Felix said with way more earnesty than Ace's bullshit deserved. "It's nice that you're doing this for her. You're a good father."

Ace's face heated and something unfamiliar fluttered in his gut. It wasn't like he was a stranger to compliments, and it usually took a lot more than this to genuinely fluster him.

Maybe it was different to be praised for something he'd actually put a lot of effort into.

"Anyway, I didn't mean to bring down the mood with me and Meg's sad backstory." Ace grinned. "What about Klara's mom? Is she not in the picture either? And, god, please say your story is less depressing than mine."

Felix chuckled politely. "Ah, no, nothing that dramatic. We merely separated—almost five years ago, now." He winced, as if remembering something. "It turns out that having a child together is not the way to fix a failing relationship."

"Oof," Ace said in sympathy.

"We're on good terms now," Felix hurried to add. "I have Klara every other weekend. Which is…I would like to have her more often, but I work long hours. She shouldn't be alone while waiting for me to come home."

“Sounds like you’re alone without her, though,” Ace said.

Felix glanced at Ace with something akin to surprise. Then he looked down at the table, his posture slumping.

“It’s…not easy,” Felix carefully said. “To come home to a dark, empty house instead of Klara’s laughter. Every moment I’m apart from her feels like an ache deep in my soul.”

Ace felt a pang in his chest: a part of his shriveled, black heart somehow understanding the hurt Felix was going through. He might not ever have had young kids but the thought of starting a family, to love your daughter more than anything else in the world and only being able to see her a few days every month…it made him feel bad for Felix.

Ace shook the absurd thought from his head. Boo-hoo, poor rich boy, earning his millions at the cost of time with his daughter. Pull it together, Visconti.

“Sorry.” Felix grimaced. “That was pretty depressing after all.”

“Hey, I'm the one who asked,” Ace said, playfully bumping Felix's arm with his elbow. “And, technically, talking about how much you miss your daughter probably counts as bragging about her. So you're completely on topic, if you wanted to keep going.”

"No, that's alright," Felix said. "I think I've talked enough about Klara for one day."

"Alright, I'll ask again after a few more beers and you can gush some more." Ace winked, and to his delight, Felix's face pinked but he kept smiling. Ace tilted his nearly-empty glass at Felix. "Another round? My treat, but you'll have to place the order if you want anything that tastes halfway decent."

Felix's lip twitched up. "I think I can manage that."

Felix flagged down a lederhosen-clad waiter and ordered something Ace didn't even pretend to recognize the name of. Their beers arrived in record speed and Ace only died a little inside while waiting to see if his credit card would go through.

The payment, thankfully, went without a hitch, though Ace knew the balance on his card was fast approaching zero. It was pretty discouraging to realize that after several hours in a prime pickpocketing location, his net earnings amounted to a negative thirty-something euros.

But it would be worth it in the end. With a couple of Felix's watches or diamond cufflinks or whatever, maybe he and Meg could see more of the world without worrying about affording their next meal.

"Thank you for the beer," Felix politely said once the waiter left.

"Oh, no problem!" Ace said cheerfully, renewed with motivation. "It's only fair after you bought the previous round."

"But you don't even know if you'll like it."

"Well, only one way to find out." Ace raised his glass to Felix's. "Cheers—or what did Lauren say earlier? Prost?" Ace asked, deliberately pronouncing the word wrong.

Felix smiled. "Yes."

"Then, Prost!" Ace exclaimed, Felix following suit.

They drank some of their beers in silence. Ace barely tasted any difference to the previous drink, but at least this one was still cold, and that already made it better.

"This is really good too," Ace lied.

Felix side-eyed him with a conspiratorial little smirk. "For a beer, you mean?"

Ace huffed a surprised chuckle. "Damn, you see right through me."

Felix's smile widened before he went back to his drink. Ace did the same, figuring he might as well try to down most of it before it went room-temperature and gross again.

"About what you said earlier…." Felix suddenly spoke up. "I know what it's like. To doubt your skills as a parent."

Well, it looked like Felix wasn't done with their little heart-to-heart yet.

"Really?" Ace said. "Your kid was smiling in every single photo. I think she'd disagree with that."

Felix seemed to relax at that. "Maybe so. And, actually, she did make me…hold on, I'll show you."

Felix reached into his pocket and, with some difficulty since his pants were so tight (damn, Ace really had to sneak a peek of his ass in those pants at some point), fished out his keys and some sort of fluffy keychain hanging from them.

"Klara made this for me on her first day of kindergarten," Felix said, dangling the item between them.

The keychain was made of felt and had probably been a rectangle at some point, but now had pieces of fluff sticking up every which way. The main body of the item was a questionable shade of brown, with smaller bits of red and purple yarn randomly worked into it.

It was absolutely hideous.

"I was so worried she wouldn't fit in," Felix said, "and then she had the time of her life and even made me this." He fondly cradled the keychain in his palm, but it mostly looked like he was holding a piece of roadkill. "It's the first gift she ever gave me."

"That's cute," Ace said, trying very hard to sound impressed.

"I know, it’s…very ugly." Felix chuckled. "But she made it for me, and a father never forgets, hmm?"

Felix looked at Ace like they were sharing some sort of inside joke, and this probably wasn't the time to tell him that Meg's first gift to Ace had been a shoplifted new iPhone. Regardless, he'd been just as proud as Felix was now.

"Yeah," Ace agreed. "I know what you mean."

[mxstball]

[Scorching Sandgems] Distorted Expectations: Daiyu

Daiyu sighed and slowly started to sink into a shadow, but she never got the chance to sink fully before being found out.

"..where do you think you're going, bitch? Lauren may not be in trouble now that I understand what's going on, but you definitely are."

Daiyu was still slowly sinking.

"You go in the Distortion World and I will personally find you myself and kick your ass so bad that not even Mona will save you. You hear?"

Daiyu immediately got out of her portal and sat on the sofa properly.

"Good. Good. Actually, hang on. Sapphire's going to kill me for this, but--" Heidi pulled out her move gun and shot beside her before reaching in and taking something out of there. It was a plush doll -- Sapphire's Gardevoir plush doll.

"H--hey! Don't just yank her like that! Gardevoir's sensitive to swift motions!" Daiyu  was rapidly waving her hands back and forth to tell Heidi to stop.

"Oh? Is she now?" Heidi politely placed Gardevoir down on the table. "That's strange, because, last I checked, inanimate objects like Pokédolls don't normally have feelings… that is, unless there's a soul inside."

"H--huh? What do you mean?" Daiyu started sweating.

"Don't play dumb with me, Daiyu. I've been meaning to ask you about Sapphire's Pokédolls for a while now, and after our little encounter today, I've learned a lot more than what I was expecting." Heidi turned to Lauren. "Big sis. Please, can you tell me if there's anything… odd about this Gardevoir?"

"Sure." Lauren picked up the plush toy and rotated it in her hands. "Just looks like a regular plushy to m--"

Lauren didn't get to finish her sentence before she felt something coming from the plush toy. It felt… alive-- no-- as if something was harmlessly residing in the small object. It reminded her of a Bannette in a way, but… it wasn't quite that. The spirit still had a strong Psychic energy around it and she could tell that it still had a sense of emotion. Lauren lightly grabbed one of the arms of the Gardevoir and lifted it before letting it go. The arm fell to its side of course, but the falling arm motion was enough for her to know that the spirit was tied directly to the doll.

Now that she thinks about it, this did remind her of something.

Lauren summoned the Soul Dew again. She compared the two… then turned to Daiyu.

"Daiyu. There's a Gardevoir in this plush doll, isn't there?"

"!!!"

Heidi glared at Daiyu. ".... tell the truth, Daiyu. We're waiting."

"Okay! Okay! I'll tell you. Just… give me Gardevoir first. She's very sensitive in certain places and I don't want you to accidentally scare her."

Lauren handed the plush to Daiyu, who hugged and petted it. She then kept it in her hands.

"...When a Pokémon dies, there is a time period between the moment that the body stops moving and when they either pass on or become a spirit where the Pokémon's soul is in a state of limbo. They're not alive, but they still retain the full properties of themselves from when they were still living. Under normal circumstances, this time period doesn't matter, but without intervention, there are a few that utilize this period in certain ways." Daiyu looked at the Soul Dew. "It's normally this limbo where a Laitos and a Latias transforms into a Soul Dew for example, transforming themselves into an orb that keeps their minds and souls protected inside. Their soul stays relatively intact, allowing other Latias and Latios like yourselves to benefit from the orb."

Heidi and Lauren looked at each other, but it was Lauren that spoke. "Well, like me. Little sis has this problem where a Soul Dew hurts her."

Heidi glared at Lauren. "That's besides the point, Lauren. No need to talk about my shortcomings here."

Daiyu nodded. "Right. So… I am able to see when a Pokémon is in that state, and I can preserve them… by placing them in special inanimate objects, not too dissimilar to how a Shuppet and Banette work. If you were to die and I didn't want you to go, I can… well…" Daiyu looked down at the plush toy. "Place you in a Pokédoll that looks like you for example. So, as long as that toy isn't destroyed, you can live on, and you maintain everything about yourself so that, maybe, you can fulfill your final wishes before you finally wish to pass on…."

"...." Heidi was able to understand where this was going. "...and so you did this to Sapphire's fallen friends during the war."

Daiyu nodded. "P--please, please don't tell her. I… I don't normally do this and it was their wish to be with Sapphire for as long as they could, so this was the only way that I could help them after they died. She'd be heartbroken if she learned that her Pokémon never passed on… and they don't want her to know, either."

Lauren blinked. "How do you know what they want? Little sis and I can get a sense of their presence and feeling, but not that much else."

Daiyu placed Gardevoir down on the table lightly. Heidi spawned a small toy chair that was just large enough for the doll. Daiyu smiled and placed Gardevoir there, turning her as if she was a part of the conversation. "I… can still talk to them. I can still understand them directly. I can even project into the doll and check in on them. Sapphire and I cuddled a lot in part so I could have an excuse to check on them, to see how they're doing and how they're feeling. Even on my birthday, Gardevoir told me how she was happy to finally get to see Sapphire move on and make new Pokémon friends, and that she was confident that her trainer would be a good trainer to more Pokémon…."

Daiyu stopped talking momentarily as she looked at Gardevoir for a bit.

"Gardevoir appreciates the fact that she seems included in the conversation, though she's a bit upset at me for being so protective of her." Daiyu looked back at the rest of the group. "Honestly, because of the fact that it disrupts the natural life cycle of a Pokémon, I'm usually extremely selective of who I do this to, but Sapphire meant a lot to me at the time so I thought that it was worth it."

Jeanne smiled. "You did what you thought was right, and that's all that we can ask."

Heidi crossed her arms. "Still doesn't mean that you should have been hiding this from Sapphire for so long. I think that it would have been nice for her to know that her friends were still with her in some form, rather than to use the dolls as mementos."

Lauren turned to Heidi. "Well, it's also in part the Pokémon's decisions, and they didn't want her to know, either. I don't think that it's right for her to disregard their wishes."

"Fair enough, I guess. I still don't like it, though."

Daiyu shook her head. "I get that you don't like it, and Gardevoir understands your feelings. We… will talk with the others to see their stance. If they're comfortable, I think I'll tell her."

Lauren blinked. "Here's what I don't get, though. How did Morrigan get a hold of this ability, and why was she able to project Lati the way that she can?"

"I don't know the first answer, but the second is because I can do that, too." Daiyu grabbed the Gardevoir plush and channeled some of her magic into it…

…revealing what seemed to be a Gardevoir beside them!

"[...]" Gardevoir swayed back and forth, but didn't do much else.

Daiyu started her explanation. "I can project her soul into the world of the living like this, but there are two downsides. First, this isn't a true body of Gardevoir. She seems real and attacking and damaging her does occur, but killing her will simply bring her back into  the plush. Secondly, Gardevoir has no will or self-determination. She still controls how she moves and speaks, but it's me who gives the commands and ultimately controls her. I don't like doing it because it feels like disrespecting the spirit."

Gardevoir spun around. It didn't seem to have anything to say.

"She still will remember everything from this conversation… remember her environment and everything that she was forced to do, too. So, why would I force her to come out to have her appear 'alive' when she can live life through her doll?" Daiyu recalled the spirit and placed the doll back on the chair. "Anyway, this is what Morrigan used on us since Lati is perpetually in that limbo state. Considering how much he dislikes her, it's utterly abhorrent and disrespectful what she did. I'll never forgive her."

Heidi and Lauren both nodded. Heidi reached for the doll and grabbed it. She petted the Gardevoir, making sure that she knows that she cares. Finally, Heidi opened the portal and placed Gardevoir back in Sapphire's bed where she was. To think that Daiyu had such a connection with the dead and to other people warmed her heart. Even though Heidi still didn't agree with the fact that she was keeping such a big secret from Sapphire, she understood that it came from a good place, and that's what mattered the most.

"Thank you for telling us, Daiyu." Heidi nodded. "You're still a little grounded for your actions, but… I understand that you're just trying to do the right thing."

"I understand. Just… don't be mad at them, please. The little spirits are just doing their best with what they can do with their friend."

"I'm not. If anything… I understand them. I'd wish to do the same thing if I died protecting Zinnia. I just hope that they eventually find peace."

"Yeah. Me too."

[kiss-my-freckle]

Between Sleep And Awake: Part 2

These connections are in the very show, so this is not really about theory. I'll leave that for the end of my post. Dynamics aren’t exact, but I got a general sense while watching Between Sleep and Awake. Cops, motels, domestic violence. Marvin and others in Red’s world refer to FBI agents as cops. Liz lived in a motel room throughout the entire second season, and Ressler viewed her in a domestic violence situation with Tom. These are supported by in-show dialogues, so this is a heads up as to where I stand with regard to Between Sleep And Awake.

Jonathon Pritchard

Conversation #1

Team Leader: I am very proud to say that one of us is celebrating a year sober today. Donald, why don’t you come up here? Congratulations. Ressler: Thank you. Team Leader: Want to say something? Go ahead. Ressler: Thank you. I mean, I really wouldn’t be here without everyone in this room. I used to think that going it alone made me stronger. But that’s not true. No, not in here, not out there. No, real strength comes from accepting that you’re - accepting that you’re weak - and that it’s okay to ask for help.

“Going it alone” is a parallel, Between Sleep And Awake

Lauren: Alone is hard.

This parallel continues as Ressler gets clean. 

Park: You can’t do this alone, weaning yourself off, titrating. It’s like handcuffing yourself to your desk at night just to keep from falling off the wagon. 

Park: You can’t slay demons alone. None of us can.

Conversation #2

Team Leader: Powerful words, Donald. Ressler: Please don’t ever make me do that again. Team Leader: You know, there’s a lot of people that need help. You ever, uh, you ever thought about becoming a sponsor? Ressler: Sponsor? No. No, that’s a big step. Team Leader: So is a year sober. I think you’re ready. You, uh, you see that guy over there? You’re in similar lines of work. You know better than anyone how hard it is to stay clean in this town - in a high-stress job, where everything’s a secret. Ressler: I don’t talk about my work here. Team Leader: I know, but - I’ve been leading meetings in D.C. for a long time. There’s a - look. You have it, so does he. I think you could help each other. Ressler: Can I think about it? Team Leader: Of course, take your time. We’ll talk about it next meeting, alright?

“You could help each other” is a parallel, Between Sleep And Awake

Lauren: You helped me confront my past. Let me help you confront yours.

This parallel continues as Ressler gets clean.

Park: You need help, help I can’t give you because I don’t know how, so when I try, I only make things worse.

Conversation #3

Dembe: I noticed the chip in there. I realized it must be, what? Ressler: A year. Dembe: Congratulations. That’s a major accomplishment. Ressler: That’s what everyone keeps telling me, yeah. Dembe: Oh. Sick of hearing it? Ressler: Once was enough. Okay, okay. Uh, NA wants me to sponsor someone. Dembe: Are you gonna do it? Ressler: I’m not sure. Some days, I can’t even help myself. How am I supposed to help someone else? Dembe: Maybe that’s the point. I’ve never known you not to be of service when you can be.

That is the point. Even as Ressler hit rock bottom, he was able to help Lauren and her son. He and Dembe are alike - of service when they can be. 

Conversation #4

Ressler: Hey. You, uh, nauseous? Pritchard: Yeah, thanks. Ressler: Yeah, the first week’s the hardest. Feels like your, uh, blood’s on fire? Pritchard: Yeah, and your veins might explode. At least, at this point, I’m praying they do. Ressler: How many days are you? Pritchard: Uh, four. Uh, four and a half. Ressler: Don’t knock the half. It’s an accomplishment. I know it doesn’t seem like it at this point, but it is. Donald. Pritchard: Jonathan.

"Nauseous” is part of the package with drug use. 

Ressler: I wake up in strange rooms. Naked. Covered in vomit.

“Blood’s on fire” is every reason for the excessive water. He hands Pritchard a glass of water. Not just for trying to cheat drug tests, since he’s shown drinking water in the motel room in Between Sleep And Awake. 

Ressler: Yeah, soon as I give Health Services what they’re here for. Park: Shouldn’t be hard. You drank half the Potomac. Ressler: Well, I did a little research. I think I found where Kangas goes at night. What? I like to hydrate. You know, gingers tend to wrinkle.

Conversation #5

Pritchard: I’m going to meetings every day. And between that and our one-on-ones, I’m doing better. Ressler: And work’s been good? Pritchard: Sure. You know. You work for Uncle Sam too. Keeping the ol’ republic afloat isn’t exactly, uh, therapeutic. But my - My coworkers are supportive, keep telling me how good I look. Ressler: You do. I wasn’t lying. Pritchard: Ah, it just makes me realize how busted I was before. Ressler: Hey, I was a wreck at your point in recovery. I hadn’t even shaved yet. There’s gonna be some tough days ahead. I’m not trying to freak you out. Just preparing you. Pritchard No, I - I know. I know. But right now, I’m just really happy to be back in the world of the living. Ah, the nation calls. I’ll see you soon? Ressler: Yeah. We’ll meet here, uh, day after tomorrow. But you call me if you need anything, okay? Pritchard: Yeah, sure.

“Busted/wrecked” cars and people, Between Sleep And Awake

Ressler: Then I got this job fixing this car.

Hadn’t even shaved yet, Between Sleep And Awake.

Barber: So what are we doin’ today? A trim? Clean it up? Ressler: Take it off. Barber: You sure? Looks like you’ve been growing it a while. It’s a real statement if you ask me. Ressler: Trust me. It’s time.

“The world of the living” is a parallel, Between Sleep And Awake

Barber: You all right, son? You look like you’ve seen a ghost. Ressler: Not a ghost. Just someone I used to know.

Ressler: I mean, when I started, it was - it was broken. Nothing about it worked. It was - It was dead to the world.

Cut to Agnes

“But you call me if you need anything, okay?”  Phone to phone.  "So these lists of TV shows and food - They’re what Agnes likes."

Agnes: See? So, here, me and my friends are all little crew mates on this spaceship together, and we’re all running around just completing different tasks. Except one of us is secretly an imposter. Red: Sabotaging the mission. This is ingenious. Agnes: Mmm-hmm. But Madison totally sold me out last game.

Conversation #6

Ressler: Hey. I just got your message. What’s, uh - What’s going on? Pritchard: Yeah, yeah, it’s - It’s - It’s been, um - Not good. Ressler: It’s okay. It’s all part of it. Pritchard: You know, the thing about, um, being back in the world is that, um, people are watching you. You may be doing better, but everybody’s expecting you to mess up, so - Why not get it over with? My dealer called. I blocked his number, but he got a new phone, and, um - Just hearing his voice, it brought me back. Figured it was gonna happen anyway, so - Don, you realize you just destroyed $400? Ressler: And I’ll do it again the next time you call. And the time after that. So stop wasting your money. Ressler: Excuse me. Would you mind clearing these and getting us another round of coffee? Thank you. We’re gonna wait here until the meeting tonight, okay? I’m not going anywhere, and neither are you.

New phone and wasted money, Between Sleep And Awake

Ressler: Look, come on. I’m not looking for any trouble. Max: It’s a little late for that. You’re making this too easy, man! Vivian: Hey. He’s got an iPhone too. Max: Take everything.

Cut to Agnes

“I’m not going anywhere, and neither are you.”  Doorstep to doorstep. “Go on adventures together. Climb mountains - explore galaxies.”

Agnes: Whoa! I didn’t know you knew how to video call! Red: No. My friend Herbie walked me through it. Did you open the gift? Agnes: What gift? Red: Well, there should be a delivery man on your porch right now.

As I continue to point out... Ressler is in Lauren's shoes and Jonathon is in Ressler's. That's why Jonathon gave up his pills just as Ressler gave up his pills. 

Aram: You’re right. That’s a - That’s a different boat. Ressler: It’s a different ocean.

Pritchard: You know. You work for Uncle Sam, too. Keeping the ol’ republic afloat isn’t exactly, uh, therapeutic.

It’s not “therapeutic” for Ressler because Liz was his partner. So Jonathon's last scene with Ressler parallels Ressler's scene at Liz's grave at the end of 9x12. You can tell Jonathon's are street bought because there's no label. The person who gets the script in their name removes the label to protect themselves when they sell them. I fully believe Jonathon is just as much there for Ressler as Ressler was there for Lauren. I know fans don't take name meanings all that seriously, but Jonathon quite literally means Gift of God. I know this because my mother liked to name according to the bible. As the officer told Lauren, “You were very lucky to have him in your corner when you did.” Jonathon should pick up where Lauren left off. “But - maybe you’re lucky too. ‘Cause I’m in yours.” It was the only way for the writers to give Ressler what he needs and keep him in the show. It’s not like he can stay behind with Lauren and work blacklister cases from Liberty Falls. 

Consider Lauren's ex-husband the drug that was destroying her. Scar on her arm from a glass table. Scar on her foot from a hot cup of coffee. Like Ressler now, she was in a tight position to be helping him because some days she couldn't help herself. She was in hiding with her son and just as much in her own form of recovery. Going it alone didn’t make her stronger either. If not for Ressler being there, Shane would’ve put her in the hospital - or worse. While in her position, she allowed him to stay in the motel despite having no money, and pointed him towards a job that could help him. She essentially acted as Ressler's sponsor, and he simply continued to battle his addiction when he returned to DC. That's why he was able to sit down and enjoy a meal with Theo while literally acting as babysitter. 

Broken cars, broken people, broken families. 

Everything seems to be of the past this season. Past blacklisters, past business, past relationships, past task force members like Meera.

Lauren: You helped me confront my past. Let me help you confront yours.

Ressler hasn’t yet. That's why I saved his first NA conversation last.

Ressler: Well, I’m good. I mean, the truth is… every day’s a struggle. Not just recovery, um, which so far, it’s - Look. I - I’m okay. It’s just mostly, uh… I have a hard time letting go of the past. I mean, it’s in my nature to want to fix things and… Group Leader: Take your time, Donald. Ressler: It’s just hard for me to accept. I lost someone I loved, and… it can’t be undone. I mean,  I - I became an addict. I hit bottom. Uh… I wish it didn’t happen, but it did. And letting that go and leaving that be… it’s hard for me. But, uh… here I am. And today… I’m 311 days sober. Group Leader: That’s wonderful. Good for you.

Ressler has a hard time letting go of the past, and as it pertains to the past, he speaks of fixing it. All of this should sound familiar, which is every bit the reason I included the scene cuts to Agnes. 

Red: Is a child really what you want? But a baby won’t fix what happened in the past.

I don’t think Ressler is supposed to let go of the past, but confront it instead. I don’t think 10x10 was a coincidence, and I'm talking about The Postman's trial and their constant reference to 25 years.

Cooper: Prisoners call him “The Postman.” Served 25 years in a Maryland prison starting at 18 years old.

25 years. 

Warden: It’s rare that a man would stick to the same story for 25 years. 

25 years. 

Warden: Because either way, he’ll never get those 25 years back.

25 years. 

Cooper: Before Christopher Jay was Maryland Attorney General, he was a city prosecutor who sent an innocent man away for 25 years.

25 years

You know what else was 25 years? Liz’s FIRST memory wipe. 

Liz: He stole it from me 25 years ago. 

25 years.

Liz: From 25 years ago? No. 

25 years.

Krilov: No. Not 25 years ago. Just two.

25 years.

Liz: Two years ago? Two, not 25. Two.

25 years.

They gave us that FIRST memory wipe (25 years) in 2x10. I suspect Liz's SECOND memory wipe (two years) is coming, and that will play out in a flashback episode similar to The Postman. And if I'm gonna call that episode, I'm going with The Nowhere Bride. Again, Between Sleep And Awake. 

Belinda: Oh. Honey. I think we can do better. If you ask me, carnations are the sad flower of weddings past.

Every bit why Ressler needs to continue holding onto the past. 

Gift of God.

Because Agnes was christened... and she’s in Theo’s shoes. 

[jelliclekay]

A Goodbye and Thank You to US Tour 6 ♡

First off, what sick joke was it to have both Vienna and the first leg of US Tour 6 to end on the same day? It's a very hard day for the fandom.

But, I wanted to make a post expressing my love and gratefulness to the current US tour. While I'm not a fan of the revival choreography changes (and probably never will be), this cast and this production has meant the world to me and it doesn't feel right to not make a goodbye and thank you. Note: this is going to be long, so if you read it in its entirety, I love you.

2021 was not a great year for me (not really for anyone honestly), but around late September, I was reminded from watching some video essays on the subject about Cats 1998. I hadn't seen it since I was a child, so I decided to rewatch it as an adult.

Something clicked rewatching it. Being autistic, my hyperfixations come and go, but I knew this was special. Immediately upon rewatching it, I looked up if Cats was going to be coming to a city near me. I didn't know anything about the cast, the revival changes or anything of the like. I just knew I needed to see it in person.

And I lucked out, Cats was scheduled for Columbus, Ohio in January of 2022. I was beyond excited, bought two tickets for me and my sister and anxiously waited to see it live. All the while watching Cats 98 at least once or twice a week. I didn't think about joining the fandom at that point, only occasionally lurking on the tumblr tags and liking art.

I was sort of hoping that seeing it live would satisfy me enough that the interest in it would fade. My friends are not really musical people and I could tell they thought the Cats interest was a bit strange, so I really wanted to just see it and forget about it.

Once the date finally came, I was so excited. Again, I wasn't aware of the cast besides Zach because of his TikToks. I also didn't realize I was seeing a performance consisting of almost every swing (below is the cast for the show):

The seats I had were not the best and were pretty far away. But even then, I was captivated by the performers and the show. I screamed, I clapped, and I cried by the time Memory came on and didn't stop until the end of the show. Any hope I had of not hyperfixating on this show was dashed and I immediately knew I had to find others in the fandom to talk too.

I joined Mistocord that night and created my Cats tumblr as well. I became familiar with the cast and like so many of you, became attached to them all. I also knew that their last date would be in June and I was devastated that I wouldn't get to see them again.

Until I took another look at the tour schedule and saw they were having one show in Roanoke, Virginia on April 14th, the day after my birthday. The drive to Roanoke is 5.5 hours, but it was also the closest date to me. Plus with it being the day after my birthday, I knew I had to go.

I asked my best friend who likes musicals but has never seen Cats if she would go and thankfully she agreed. I also took along another friend with us who is named Victoria and has loved Cats all her life but has never seen it live.

Almost everyone in my life thought I was insane to be driving so far just to see Cats of all things. Even more so when the new dates for the upcoming cast were announced and the closest city to me announced 3 whole weeks of shows. But I wanted to see this current cast one more time, especially since I was familiar with them unlike when I went in January.

The drive was stressful, but I was thrilled when we made it and I saw that besides Allison Teazer, I was going to be seeing the principal cast perform. I love the swings and they were all amazing in Columbus, but I also really wanted to see Lauren Demeter and Chris Skimble. (And yes, I was bummed I never got to see Devon Munk but was excited to see Nick Munk).

Below is the board for the Roanoke show (sans Allison who did not have a name card yet at this point):

The show was incredible, of course. The crowd was also great (Not sure if it's Southern thing or if it was because of the cheap beer the venue was selling) but everyone got the cheers and applause they deserve. Big shout out to whoever screamed "FUCK YEAH MUNKUSTRAP" when Nick first slid on stage.

It was amazing. My friend Victoria and I held hands during Memory and it was nice to have someone to cry with. My best friend who doesn't know Cats also enjoyed it more than she thought she would which was nice!

Once the show was over, we stumbled to the stage door because I was determined to at least meet Zach. I occasionally talk to Zach on insta and he knew I was at the show, but I was unprepared for when he walked up to ME and said "We get to meet finally!" He signed my playbill and let me snap a picture with him. And yes, I sobbed the second we walked away and basically did not stop the entire 5.5 trip home.

Truly one of the best nights of my life and one I will never forget.

Without this cast, I never would have fallen so much in love with this musical. I never would have joined this fandom and made friends. Over a decade of being in online fan communities but this is the first time I've ever made online buddies that I talk to on a daily basis.

I've never truly loved something as much as Cats. It helped me out of such a dark place and continues to provide me with comfort when I'm feeling down.

So thank you, first leg US Tour 6 cast, from the bottom of my heart. You're all incrediblely talented performers who brought so much heart to the characters and show. Happy trails and I hope to see you return back to the Junkyard again ♡

[falcor-thee-luck-dragon]

Interviews - Henry Cavill x wife/actress reader

Summary: You and Henry have been married for a couple years now, and when you’re both part of the Witcher cast, fun interviews are to be had.

Warning: nothing but a good time, btw I’ve never written anything like this so I hope it’s good enough that I might feel motivated to write more

-Readers Witcher character is loosely based off my Geralt fic from here (just a little self promotion), but in this case you play a full vampire in this Witcher universe

The days have been long and grueling, filming hours upon hours of stunts and regular acting had taken its toll. Not to mention the countless times in hair and make up paired with costume changes and traveling to film on certain locations.

To say being apart of Netflix’s The Witcher was full of tiring days and some accidental bruises would be a huge understatement. But none of that mattered, nor did you bother to complain when through the thick and thin of it all did you have Henry with you along the way. And your favorite big slobbery bear, Kal whenever he was allowed on set.

Fortunately for you in the beginning of all the craziness, the casting and writers had wanted you specifically for the part of Y/C/N in the new series before Henry even auditioned for the role of Geralt, that was soon given to him after you accepted your fresh role of vampiric heroine.

It was ironically strange in a good way, you had watched your dork of a husband play the Witcher: Wild Hunt a few times before, eventually learning of what Geralt of Rivia was, who Y/C/N was in the story, who Yennefer and Ciri were, Tris and even Jaskier.

Who would have thought that you’d finally get to snag a role side by side with Henry in quite literally one of the most fantastic shows you’ve ever heard of. You didn’t even need to see the show yet to know how well it was most likely to be reviewed. Being a key character in the grand storyline was enough to convince you of how amazing it would most certainly turn out in the finished product.

And after all was said and done, you couldn’t believe how well loved and popular the show truly became in the following months after shooting and its eventual release onto Netflix. The after parties and cast celebrations truly made you blessedly grateful for pulling through to the vary end.

Then again you had your mans Henry by your side every step of the way. He was your rock and you were most definitely his. You know life on set would have been far less entertaining and dreadfully long if not for the lovely company of your dear Witcher, Henry. And so far after the fact, you and a good portion of the cast have been placed in random interviews for the majority of the day.

Reason being, The Witcher has at long last finally premiered and as per usual the people and media live for those cast interviews that always reveal some interesting events. So far this morning you’ve done some interviews with Anya that have gone perfectly fine since the two of you seem to click so well.

Also it helps ease the anxiety of your fellow newer cast mates to the world of continuous interviews with an experienced veteran actor like yourself, who’s gone round the ring more times then you can count. Though you can’t help but wonder how Henry’s doing, considering you’ve been separated since the sessions began at 10am, you’ve had lunch and now it’s about 1 in the afternoon with more hours to go.

Luckily for you, you’ve just been informed of another interview with the man of the hour himself. Saying your goodbyes and well wishes to your fellow cast mates, you stand and follow the guide into the advised place. Aka some really nice hotel room that’s been done up real nice for efficient interviewing, complete with the Witcher insignia on a large background poster and three chairs that happen to look rather comfy.

The camera and sound people nod in acknowledgment as you walk in, you nod back no doubt making their day with your friendliness and adorable smile that quite literally lights up a room. Soon you spot the bubbly yet nervous interviewee who instantly welcomes you into her space like you’re an old friend.

You sit, a bit confused as to where your partner happens to be at the moment, the interviewer, Lauren makes small talk before a door opens and her big bright doe eyes go wide in nervous excitement. A telling smile upon her face as she shifts in her chair before looking back to you again with a happy grin.

Henry says a quick hello to the behind the scenes crew before waving to Lauren, you smirk while watching him get comfortable next to you, “Well, well, well. Get lost on your way up, you know they have guides for a reason.” You tease as he chuckles at your humorous jab, relieved to see you again after a couple hours apart.

“Traffic.” He quips with a shrug.

“Uh huh.” You mutter with a shake of your head before drawing your attention back to Laura, “Can’t take him anywhere I swear, he does this all the time.”

She laughs as Henry pretends to gasp at your teasing, you chuckle along with them before she finally collects herself, “Well, welcome back to London. It’s fantastic to have you both in town once again, and your big beautiful faces all over Leicester Square.”

You both laugh, “Right.” Says Henry, “I guess we do look pretty cool.”

“Hell yeah, I mean where else can I see myself with a giant sword on a building? And anyways look at this beautiful mug,” You say gently squeezing Henry’s cheeks in your hand, “he’s literally killing it out there.” They laugh as you give Hen another playful squeeze before letting go and setting your arm against the chairs cushioned armrest. 

“Alight let’s start.” She says enthusiastically before glancing down at her cards then back up to you and Henry. Then into one of the two the cameras, “Hi I’m Lauren from Entertainment Weekly and today we’re here with the two stars of Netflix’s The Witcher.” She says enthusiastically while giving a nod to you two, indicating that the camera is now focused on you both, “Henry Cavill and Y/N Cavill.”

You both smile in acknowledgment as Henry gives a slight nod, “How you doing?”

“I’m great,” She beams, “So, I’ll get right into it, what do you like most about the story? What really drew you into the script that made you say, yes this is going to be awesome?”

Slapping a hand against Henry’s muscular leg, you hum, “I’ll let Hen take this one he’s a real expert on the linguistics of the whole show.”

“Thanks Y/N/N.” Replies Henry, bemused that you’re making him take the first question.

You nod to him knowingly with a smirk, “Of course.” Knowing how much he loves to talk about the show and also because you’d rather have him use his energy to talk about it then do that yourself. Priorities, right, though in your defense it’s been a long day.

“Well I absolutely love the games and the books themselves are phenomenal works of literature.” He explains, his face glowing with that usual glimmer of excitement in his eyes, “The story and the world of the Witcher is just so rich and full of potential that when I signed on for the show, I immediately knew it would be amazing, no doubt.”

You lean into the arm of you chair, “And of course I was there so that’s always a bonus.”

“That too.” He smiles adorably, “That too of course.”

Lauren smiles, “Great. So, what was it like working together, how was it having your characters interact with one another?”

You smile, setting a hand against Henry’s forearm, “This guy right here.” You deadpan before waving him off dramatically, “So annoying, my god he whined all the time and he was such a drama queen dear lord so ugh....” You start cackling before you can even finish the sentence causing Henry to loose it as well and with that the interviewer.

Shaking your head you rest your hand against his shoulder, “I joke, he was a gem to work with as usual...I mean I feel incredibly blessed to be able to act alongside my husband for months and months every single day. It’s a rarity in this line of work and I’m grateful to have shared this experience...and I guess more so this whole adventure with him as well.”

The interviewer aww’s as Henry tilts his head to lean into your hand that’s still resting atop his shoulder before pulling away just as quickly, the intimate sentiment not going unnoticed by you or Lauren who looks to be enjoying your loving yet calm energy with one another. “That’s so sweet, what about you Henry?”

“Oh yes absolutely,” Agrees Henry to your recent statement, “not only did I have her by my side through it all but the dynamic of our characters interacting together was so fun to shoot. I think the audience will really be able to see their relationship grow on screen into something strong and beautiful like in the books.”

Slow clapping you give him a curt nod of approval, “Well said.”

Lauren smirks, “Seems like it. Well, I was able to catch the premier yesterday and I gotta say...it was fantastic! I couldn’t believe how diffident the two of you looked from how you are now.” She gushes enthusiastically.

The corners of Henry’s lips curl into a proud smile for the fellow crew of the Witcher’s, “Oh that’s great then, honestly we gotta give all the props to the costume and makeup team, they’re so talented and know how to make us look like real badasses.” He adds.

You nod in agreement before grinning at a positive memory of your first interaction with Henry as Geralt, “Oh for sure, I remember during the early stages of production when our characters met each other for the first time, before this we came to set together but went separate ways to shoot our own stuff in the meantime so I never got a real look at him.” You recall with a bright smile as Henry watches your every move, beaming just the same.

“It was so funny, I was in the tent with Freya Allen, the wonderful girl who plays Ciri, and then suddenly her eyes got all big and nervous and I was like, that’s not me right? Something weird didn’t just happen with my costume? And then I turned around to find this man, wig on, face a mess, and his eyes looked so fearsome and different...it was a bit startling.” You say with a chuckle, “I clearly wasn’t expecting to see Geralt right then and there. He just looked so unlike Henry.”

“Yeah, I was almost hurt.” Laughs Henry, “She had to like squint and make sure it was me.”

Rolling your eyes, you shrug, “He had some real creepy looking colored contacts, yunno?”

Henry fake scoffs, “You’re one to talk, I mean when I first say her, Y/N’s eyes were red and she had fake blood spattered all over her face and shirt. Oh, and not to mention those fangs they put on your teeth...we probably traumatized poor Freya that day.”

“Oh shit you’re right!” You exclaim with a snort of concealed laughter, “God I completely forgot about how I looked...now since I think about it, I did that a lot too. I would just walk up to people and be completely oblivious as to what kind of nightmare I looked like, honestly I might have scared one of our producers a couple of times.” You add with a half nervous laugh, it’s true, you did scare some of the crew unintentionally. Most of the time.

Lauren lightly chuckles, “That sounds like you were quite the sight to see then.” She says before glancing back down at her notes, “Alright I have’ta ask, is there anything that you two took home with you from set?”

“Besides Henry every night,” He holds back a laugh while covering his mouth as you nonchalantly continue, “Uh, yes actually I got to take home Y/C/N’s wolf ring that I loved so much and just thought was the coolist thing ever and....uh, I might have stolen some socks too.”

“So that’s why after filming the amount of socks of yours I had to fold increased?” Wonders Henry with a surprised snort of realization.

Turning your head to give him a “no shit” kinda look, you look back at Lauren, pointing your thumb at Henry, “Master sleuth right here, but hey, he folds my laundry.”

“Aw that’s great.” Adds Lauren with a smile before turning her attention to Henry, “What about you Henry? Take anything from set?”

“More then Y/N did actually...”

“He just about took the whole makeup trailer most nights, I swear.”

Henry chuckles, “That. Is true.” He agrees with a nod, “Interesting enough, at home I’ve got Geralt’s armor hung up in our living room and a multitude of other nicknacks that I’ve collected during filming.” He adds, glancing over to you, “So uh, yeah, we were fairly lucky to be able to snag what we could.”

Lauren smiles, absentmindedly shuffling her cards, “That’s awesome to have such special memorabilia, you guys really are fortunate.” She adds before reading off from another card, “Alright you two, care to play a game called guess the image? Witcher style.”

Your face perks up at this, you’re a sucker for interview games and Henry knows it, “Are you reading my mind or something, I have been waiting all day for someone to ask about playing a game.” You gush rather enthusiastically. 

He smiles at your adorableness and how excited you’ve just become, Lauren grins, happy that her suggestion has been so well received, “Okay so how it works is, I’ll show you an image on my iPad and then you have to guess who or what I’m showing you.”

“Oh, cool I’ve heard of this,” You reply, turning to Henry with a smirk, “Loser has to clean Kal’s yard poop for a week.”

Rolling his gorgeous blue eyes he chuckles, “You’re on.”

“Alright, the stakes are high, you two ready?” Beams Lauren, holding her iPad to her chest as she awaits an answer.

“Yes, I’m ready to kick his ass.” You quip, leaning an arm against your chair while Henry does about the same, though he does his best to contain his laughter.

“Okay, first image.” She holds up the device to show some sort of weird golden thing, it’s shiny and hard, worst part is that you’re not entirely sure what the hell it could be.

Sensing your confusion Henry nudges your shoulder, though you ignore it before he smartly answers, “Oh, is that...Renfri’s brooch?” Little shit knows exactly what that is, of course he does.

Lauren claps, “Correct.” Zooming out of the image to show the full picture of the golden brooch, “Right on, that’s one point for Mr. Cavill.”

You scoff playfully, “Beginners luck.” While Henry side eyes you with a humorous grin upon his plush lips, he nudges your arm, “I’m going to really enjoy not cleaning up Kal’s grass turds for awhile.” He mutters lightheartedly, though you know deep down he’s being serious, no way is he going to win this, you think. You won’t have it, hopefully the next few pictures aren’t as difficult, Kal duty is not fun by any means.

“Shut up.” You grumble with a dismissive wave of your hand, though just teasing of course.

“Okay next image.” This time the blurred photo looks much more familiar, soon it clicks as to what the obscured blurriness actually is, yes!

“Got it! Anya’s er I guess Yennefer’s dress from the fight at Sodden.” Lauren giggles, zooming the image out to reveal Yennefer in her tasseled blue and purple dress from the battle at Sodden Hill. “I’m amazing I know.” You boast at Henry with a casual little bow in your seat.

“It’s the second question.” He deadpans, eyes crinkling in amusement as you shake your head at him.

“Pffff get outta here.” You mutter back, gently pushing his arm off of your chairs armrest and setting yours in its place while he gives you a fake shocked expression.

In turn you can’t help the smile that tugs at the corner of your lips, so instead of saying some sassy remark that would no doubt get a reaction out of him, you turn your attention back over to Lauren who’s looking over her notes again.

“Fantastic,” She says, glancing back up at you and Henry, “you’re both tied with one point each. Alright, anyone know what this is?” She asks showing something red and fuzzy, a bit of dirty skin showing from one corner but with The Witcher this bloody image could literally be anything.

The both of you squint, puzzled as to what this could be, “Y/N you got any ideas.” Wonders Henry, brows furrowed as his face contorts into deep concentrated thought.

Raising a brow, you hum, “If I knew I wouldn’t tell you.”

“Fair point.” He chuckles.

Lauren smiles, “Any guesses?”

 After a few concentrated moments, Henry shrugs in defeat,  “I’m stumped.” He admits as you study the image harder, mind racing to put the pieces together as to what the hell you’re looking at.

“No, I think I might know this....erm is it...me?” You wonder, voice raising in question, hoping to be correct about this or face the teasing of Henry.

Lauren quickly zooms out of the obscured image, “It is!” She says excitedly, revealing the picture of you from your characters debut in episode 2 where you save a girl from a werewolf, your mouth is covered in blood and so is most of your costumes chest area and left arm from the struggle. Not to mention the make-up teams fun 20 minutes of throwing fake sticky blood all over you to get the right look for the taxing scene.

You grimace a bit, “Oh god that was quite the day on set,” You recall with a half smile, “I was doing stunts all day covered in that red syrupy dye, I think it took a week to get out of my skin.”

Henry suddenly snorts with laughter, “Right! That reminds me, I thought Kal had gotten cut or something, it was just Y/N who had hugged him not realizing she still had some fake blood on her arm.”

“Jeez that’s right, I felt so bad, but I couldn’t stop laughing once we realized it was just me.”

Lauren grins, excited to hear some hidden information about little things that happens behind the scenes, “Oh wow that must have been a sight, alright Henry, Y/N’s taken the lead with a two to one score.” She says as you playfully nudge his strong shoulder. “Second to last image, what is this?”

Without missing a single beat Henry replies, “Jaskier.”

Squinting at the image you lean closer to the iPad, “How the hell do you see Jaskier?”

Smiling the interviewer zooms out to reveal the bards full outfit from the banquet scene, though he’s in the background of a fight between Geralt and some Cintran knights. “Right on!” She exclaims as you lean back into your seat dumbfounded, shoulder flush against Henry’s as he clutches your arm and squeezes it affectionately.

Ignoring his silent show of victory you shrug, “And they say he’s just another pretty face,” Earning a laugh from Lauren and some of the crew as you smirk at the camera, face them shifting to apologetic, “also I’m so sorry Joey you beautiful bastard apparently I’m blind. Uh, we don’t have to dwell on it, Lauren whatcha got?”

“You guys are both tied with two points each, last chance to win.” She replies before glancing down at her iPad, “Alright, what is this?” She asks, her iPad showing that of fuzzy bright colors, with a small corner smear of dull white that clearly wouldn’t make much sense to the untrained eye.

Smirking you glance at a puzzled Henry before sitting up in your seat, feeling rather good about yourself, “Would that happen to be, Hen in Stregobor’s illusion?” You answer with, though sounding a bit as a question considering you aren’t entirely confident as to what image this is.

Lauren’s brows raise in surprise, “Henry, looks like we have a winner. Y/N you are correct.” She beams, enlarging the image to reveal Geralt’s side profile as he talks to the old wizard while the background stays colorful and shrouded in various arrays of sunlight..

Shaking your fist victoriously in the air you give a couple enthusiastic whoop whoops while Henry simply takes it like a champ, “Have fun cleaning up Karl’s monster turds, cause this lucky lady doesn’t have to.” You boast as Henry and the crew laugh.

“Well that was something,” Beams Lauren, “I’m so glad to have chatted for a bit about your guys’ amazing new series, and maybe ended a relationship in the process.” She says jokingly as both you and Henry chuckle.

Patting his thigh affectionately, you smirk, “He’s a tough old bear, but yeah, it was awesome having you talk to us.”

“Yes, take care now.” Adds Henry while the interviewer Lauren stands, saying her goodbyes as she goes to exit the room.

The camera crew take a small break to adjust things and whatnot as you and Henry wait patiently for the next interviewer. He turns, an adorable smile pulling at his lips while you pretend to ignore his fiery gaze. “Well that went pretty well, minus the fact that I’m on Kal poop duty for a week...but uh...” He leans in close to you now, “I missed you all morning.”

Breaking out into a smile you raise a brow, “Boring without me huh?”

“Always.”

You casually shrug, “I figured as much. Don’t worry, we have a hotel all to ourselves tonight.” Your brows wiggle suggestively causing your blue eyed lover to shake his head with amusement.

“Say it louder next time.” He jokes.

Side eyeing the oblivious crew you begin to speak a couple octaves louder, “Henry I can’t wait to fu..” Suddenly his hand presses against your mouth before you’re able to call any attention to yourself. He gives you a warning look before slowly pulling his hand from your mouth.

You grin mischievously, “I wasn’t gonna say that...”

“Sure Y/N,” He mutters in your ear as a new interviewer walks into the room and finds their chair, “and I’m wasn’t going to make you scream tonight.”

Your brows raise in surprise and admittedly slight arousal at his choice of wording in this room of all places. Eyeing him up, face still showing surprise, you finally break out into a satisfied smirk. “You know what? I think you should consider changing your offer.”

He thinks deeply for a moment, though you know he’s only pretending to get you riled up, “Hrmm...maybe, possibly, should I? Should we? You are my co-star after all, that wouldn’t be very professional now would it Y/N?” He states with a shit eating grin, all done while the crew and interviewer get ready, minding their business and completely unaware to yourself and Henry’s teasing.

Scoffing playfully you lightly swat his arm, “We are way past being professional.”

He chuckles, looking from you to the rest of the room, “Oh, they have no idea.”

[queenshelby]

The Nanny – Part Two

Featuring: Cillian Murphy x Virgin!Reader

Words: 5798

Warning: Smut, Age Gap

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A Small Surprise

Another week had passed since your encounter with Cillian at the theatre and you missed interacting with him, especially now that you broke up with Darcy once again.

Once again, Darcy had become verbally abusive towards you and you were devastated and upset about his behaviour. You became to realise that, most probably, he won’t ever change. You often thought about Cillian’s words. You were too young to be wasting your time on someone like this.

But, despite your breakup, Darcy called you at least ten times a day, trying to apologise. You ignored his calls, but, unfortunately for you, you still had to interact with him at theatre practice and art school.

At least, Anita was there for you and tried her best to prevent you and Darcy from having arguments while dealing with each other in a professional capacity. But it wasn’t easy.

Since your latest and hopefully final break up, Anita had also tried to hook you up with her brother, but you really weren’t interested in dating anyone after what you have encountered with Darcy.

Despite your disinterest in dating, you struggled to get one man out of your head and this was Cillian.

Since you became to know what he was doing for a living, you could evermore so understand his reluctance to get involved with someone your age. It would almost be cliché for an actor to date someone half his age. The backlash would almost be ridiculous.

In the same vein, you were really not keen on dating an actor. The ridiculous filming schedules, the gossip and the fact that people would look at you differently would certainly upset you and make you uncomfortable.

Yet, you couldn’t forget about him and the kiss you shared. The kiss he initially returned and which felt so amazingly good.

There was something about him that you hadn’t found in any man before. It was almost like you had known him for years and yet, you barely knew him at all. You felt comfortable in his presence and it felt natural to be around him.

With these thoughts on your mind, it was easy for you to let go of Darcy this time around eve though you knew that you could never have Cillian. Or could you?

It was a Sunday afternoon that Craig came home after spending some time at the pub celebrating a friend’s birthday.

He looked somewhat tipsy when he walked inside and Ella became rather frustrated with him. It was almost too funny to watch.

You noticed him carrying a paper back.

‘Y/N, this is for you’ Craig said as he handed the bag to you.

‘Uhm, thank you’ you said, surprised by his gesture.

‘Oh, don’t thank me. Cillian asked me to give this to you so thank him’ Craig said, unsure about what was in the bag. He believed Cillian’s gesture to be odd but didn’t dare to question it.

You walked into your room, curious about what was in the bag.

Unsurprisingly, it was a book entitled ‘The History of Irish Theatre’.

You and Cillian had talked about this book following your little incident at his house.

He thought that it was very educational for anyone who is interested in Irish literature and play writes and he said that, when he goes back to his house, he would get it for you so that you could read it.

You opened the book, very keen to read it.

To your surprise, Cillian had left you a note inside which, amongst other things, contained his mobile phone number and an offer to help you with rehearsing the play if you needed it and wanted an outsider’s opinion.

He also was kind to tag the pages relevant to your play in the 350 page book.

You took out your phone and saved his number before texting him to say thank you.

He responded almost immediately. His response was short but that is what you would have expected from a man in his 40s.

About an hour later, you received another text message from him.

‘I have four tickets to a play at the Abbey which I think you might like. You could go with some friends from your theatre group and your boyfriend. Unfortunately, it’s for a Sunday night though’ he texted.

You responded by thanking Cillian for the offer and telling Cillian that you had broken up with Darcy before taking the courage to ask him whether he would be interested to come with you to see the play.

An hour after your text, you still hadn’t received a response and you regretted asking him. After what happened between you, you thought that you must have taken it too far.

Another twenty minutes later, as you were in the shower, the phone rang.

You quickly jumped out of the shower and answered your phone while the water was still running in the background.

‘Hi, Cillian’ you said shyly as you shivered, still being wet from the shower.

‘Am I calling you at a bad time?’ Cillian asked, observing the background noise through the phone.

‘No no, not at all’ you said.

‘What’s that noise?’ he asked.

‘Uhm, I was just having a shower’ you said and, just after you said this, you realised how inappropriate your comment was once again. There was an awkward silence on Cillian’s end following your comment.

‘Right’ he said before taking a pause.

‘About Sunday, I have seen the play already with some friends but I am happy to take you if you want’ he said before taking another pause. ‘As a friend that is’ he added, qualifying his offer.

‘Of course, yes’ you said shyly.

‘I think that, if we go together, I should probably invite Craig and Ella and suggest that you come with them’ Cillian suggested, being mindful that, otherwise, this might awkward.

‘Yes, sounds good’ you said.

‘Great, I will let you get back to your shower then’ Cillian said with a laugh.

‘Alright…and thanks’ you said.

‘You are welcome’ Cillian responded before hanging up.

To your surprise, a day later, Cillian told you that Craig and Ella weren’t interested in the play but had no problem with you going to see it with Cillian and some other friends.

You felt somewhat awkward about Craig and Ella knowing that you were going to see a play with their mutual friend. But Cillian assured you that they didn’t think anything of it. In Ireland, everyone was friendly and welcoming and interactions like this weren’t suspicious. In fact, Cillian had even told Craig that he had offered to help you with your theatre project and that he believed that the play you were going to see would really help you with your perspective on contemporary Irish theatre. With Cillian being double your age, Craig simply thought that it was a nice gesture and Craig also knew that Cillian could do with some friendly company after yet another fight with his fiancée.

Instead of Craig and Ella, Cillian ended up inviting his youngest sister Janet and her husband John. They both enjoyed theatre and had recently returned to live in Dublin after spending five years together in London.

You met Cillian and his sister and her husband at the theatre and they were very welcoming. You thought it was going to be strange, meeting Cillian’s family, but it wasn’t at all. His sister was in her late twenties and you could relate to her.

You talked about many things before the play started and she was surprised when she learned that you were only 20 years old. According to her, you appeared very mature for your age.

Change of Mind

‘You know she’s nice, smart and very pretty’ Janet said to Cillian about you after you excused yourself to go to the bathroom right before the play started.

‘And she is 20 years old and I am still in a relationship’ Cillian chuckled in response to her comment.

‘And here you are, choosing to attend this play with her instead of your fiancée’ Janet giggled.

‘Because my fiancée and I are taking a break and Y/N is just a friend’ Cillian chuckled.

‘I think you already made up your mind about your fiancée. I know you brother. I am not blind either. I can see the way you look at Y/N. You like her a lot’ Janet said.

‘Janet, she is 20. Now can we change the topic please’ Cillian said firmly.

‘So what if she is 20?...I like her. She seems nice’ Janet said before her husband John had to comment just like a man would.

‘Just count yourself lucky Cillian. Not every man your age has a shot with a young woman like her. Also, you wouldn’t be the first actor who goes there trust me’ John said, causing Cillian to chuckle.

‘Enough now, please’ Cillian said just as you returned from the bathroom.

When you returned to the table where Cillian, Janet and John were standing, you finally heard the theatre bell. Cillian seemed somewhat relieved that the play was about to start and you made your way inside, taking your seats.

Just as you sat down, you saw Darcy with his parents and brother. Your heart sunk and you hoped that he would not see you. But he did, almost immediately.

The situation had officially become awkward and, just as Darcy saw you, his father spotted you and Cillian as well.

He came over to greet you and Cillian which, instantly, raised a lot of questions.

Cillian explained to Darcy’s father that you were a friend and, just as he did, the bell rang again, telling everyone to take their seat.

This was lucky, preventing Darcy’s father from asking more questions.

Darcy’s father excused himself and, luckily for you, Darcy was at his best behaviour with his parents being around.

During the interval, Darcy greeted you politely and that was it. He didn’t acknowledge Cillian, Janet and John and there weren’t any further interactions from his side.

After the play had finished, Janet suggested that you all go to Cillian’s house for a drink and some pizza. After all, you hadn’t had dinner yet.

You agreed and picked up some Pizza and a couple of bottles of wine on the way.

To your surprise however, Janet excused herself pretty much straight after dinner and a glass of wine.

‘Well, John and I have to get up very early tomorrow’ Janet said.

‘We do?’ John asked.

‘Yes darling, don’t you remember the thing at your work?’ Janet asked, giving John a nudge.

‘The thing at my work?....Oh right, the thing at my work. I forgot’ John said.

‘Well, we will be going, but you two should really finish this bottle of wine’ Janet said and you observed her winking at Cillian.

Cillian sighed before giving his sister a kiss on the cheek and saying goodbye.

‘Uhm that was strange’ you giggled just as Janet and John left. ‘I just finish this and will call a taxi’ you said, pointing to your full glass of wine.

‘Yes, my sister is strange indeed’ Cillian chuckled, knowing exactly what his sister had in mind.

‘So how did you like the book?’ Cillian went on to ask to change the topic.

‘It’s fantastic. In particular the actor’s notes on the scenes. Although, there is one thing no one really talks about and I have been trying hard to find material on it’ you said.

‘And what is that?’ Cillian asked curiously.

‘How do you act a scene where you have to kiss someone. I mean, do you actually kiss them on stage? How about on screen? I mean, you would have the answer to this wouldn’t you?’ you said.

‘I do’ Cillian laughed.

‘Well then please enlighten me. I am curious’ you said.

‘On screen, depending on the angle of the camara, you most often don’t get around kissing. Your lips touch. It’s as simple as that’ Cillian said.

‘But is it different from a normal kiss?’ you asked.

‘Not really’ Cillian said. ‘But, in saying this, for theatre, no one from the audience will be close enough to see what you are doing so just give the guy a peck if you feel too uncomfortable to kiss him’ Cillian laughed, knowing that the play you were doing included a scene just like this.

‘I am glad you can laugh about it’ you said sheepishly.

‘Well, I know for a fact that you’ve kissed a man before so I think you will be fine. Just don’t think about it as a kiss. Think about it as an act. I guarantee you that, when you are in character with a complex script like yours, it will just come naturally’ Cillian said.

‘I suppose you are right. I mean, at least it’s not Darcy who I have to kiss on stage’ you laughed.

‘Well, there you go’ Cillian said just as an awkward silence erupted between you again.

‘Speaking of which, I have actually been thinking about our kiss more often than I should have’ you said shyly.

‘Y/N, we agreed that we would forget about what happened that morning’ Cillian said.

‘We did. But I can’t’ you said before taking a pause. ‘Can you?’ you asked.

‘I’ve been trying’ he chuckled, causing you to smile.

‘Perhaps you should stop trying and kiss me again. Just once more and I will never mention it again’ you said as you walked over towards him.

‘I am twice your age Y/N. You do realise that, right?’ Cillian said as you took his hands suggestively, indicating that you wanted him to stand up.

‘Yes, I do and I like it’ you giggled before biting your lip. Your comment made Cillian raise his eye brows and laugh.

‘You could be with someone your own age Y/N. I am sure you get plenty of offers. So why me?’ he asked as he stood up in front of you, running his hand over your cheek and moving part of your hair away from your face and behind your ear.

‘Because you are intelligent, kind and not afraid to be yourself. I like that. Despite, I also think that you are incredibly attractive’ you whispered shyly.

‘But, if you don’t like me then just tell me and I accept that’ you added after Cillian didn’t respond to your comment.

‘I like you alright. But I know that it would be a very bad idea if were to get involved with each other’ Cillian said quietly.

‘Maybe. Maybe not’ you said and, just like this, Cillian leaned forward and pressed his lips on to yours.

The kiss was gentle and Cillian caressed your face with his warm hands while his soft lips explored yours. Your lips moved in sync with his for a moment until he pulled away slightly.

‘We should not be doing this’ Cillian said and, just after he did, you decided that, this time, he wouldn’t get away that easily and you crashed your lips back onto his.

He accepted the kiss, giving into you for what felt like an eternity until he pulled away again.

‘Are you sure this is what you want? Because there will be implications if…’ he said and, before he could finish his sentence, you interrupted.

‘I know and I am prepared to deal with these implications as they arise’ you said before pressing your lips back onto his. You knew that, most likely, you would have to keep your interactions with Cillian a secret at least for a little while and you knew that, later down the track, this might cause issues with Craig and Ella.

Despite these intrusive thoughts, you managed to switch off and get lost in the moment and kiss between you soon became heated as Cillian gently slipped his tongue in between the opening of your lips.

You gave in and let his tongue dance with yours as if it was the most natural thing to do. He was such a good kisser. Gentle and passionate.

‘Now do you want me to stay for the night or call a taxi?’ you asked as, after at least ten minutes, your lips drifted apart.

‘If you were to stay, what would you be telling Craig and Ella?’ Cillian asked.

‘That I had some drinks after the theatre and ended up staying at a friend’s house’ you said, causing Cillian to laugh.

‘I guess you are staying then’ he said as he ran his hand over your cheek again before giving you another kiss.

‘Alright’ you said shyly. ‘I will go and have a shower then’ you said nervously.

It felt different this time around and you didn’t know how far he wanted to go. You had never had sex before and intimacy didn’t come naturally to you.

After you both had showers, separately, you met in bed just like the last time when you stayed at Cillian’s house.

Just this time, neither of you bothered getting dressed for the occasion.

Bed Time

Cillian was lying there, under the doona, wearing nothing but his black Calvin Klein briefs as you walked into the bedroom.

You, on the other hand, wore even less. A black thong. That was it and you could see the appreciation on Cillian’s face as you walked into the bedroom.

But, in addition to your naked body, your tattoos and piercings, he could also see the nervousness on your face as you climbed into bed next to him.

‘You are beautiful’ he said as you got under the doona.

‘If you say so’ you smiled shyly before giving him a kiss.

It wasn’t long until he gently pulled you closer towards him and began running his masculine hands over your body, including your breasts and all the way down to your naked ass.

His lips never left yours and you enjoyed the warmth of his body pressed against yours. The little amount of his chest hair brushed against your breasts and, as he held you close, you could feel his erection grow beneath his breaths.

You knew he wanted you, all of you and, whilst you wanted to be with him, you weren’t quite ready to take this step yet.

‘Cillian, I am…I never had…’ you said and, before you could finish your sentence Cillian withdraw his hand from you.

‘You are a virgin?’ he asked somewhat surprised, causing you to nod. Whilst you hinted on this previously when you talked with him about Darcy being pushy when it came to your relationship, you never actually told him that you never had sex. It all made more sense to him now and made him dislike how Darcy had treated you even more.

‘I am sorry. I didn’t realise’ Cillian said.

‘Are you disappointed?’ you asked, noticing Cillian’s reluctance to touch you again the same way he was before you told him.

‘Why would I be disappointed?’ he asked, running his hand over your cheek.

‘Not sure. Perhaps you expected something else tonight?’ you said shyly.

‘Well, the truth is that I didn’t expect anything tonight. Not kissing you, not lying next to you or getting to touch your beautiful body. So, I am getting way more than I had bargained for’ Cillian said.

‘You are so kind Cillian. What I meant was that, once you got a woman into bed, you probably didn’t expect this’ you said somewhat embarrassed.

‘At my age, probably not’ Cillian laughed. ‘But, I am not disappointed Y/N. We will just take things slow, move at your pace, alright? Despite, there are so many things other than sex in the conventional way that are enjoyable and I am just happy to lie here with you and kiss you all night’ Cillian said before pressing his lips back on to yours.

‘Things other than sex in the conventional way?’ you asked curiously after your lips drifted apart.

‘Yeah, you know, like other things’ Cillian chuckled. He clearly was out of your comfort zone having to give you a sex ed lesson.

‘Hmm, like what?’ you said cheekily. ‘Can you show me?’ you asked nervously. Whilst you weren’t quite ready to take things all the way, you felt an overwhelming desire for this man and you trusted him and you certainly wanted him to continue to touch you.

Cillian chuckled at your comment but reluctantly agreed. After all, he just promised you to take things slow and what he was about to do didn’t exactly fall into the category of taking things slow.

‘Alright, but you are in charge. Promise me that you will tell me if you want me to stop, ok?’ Cillian said reassuringly.

‘I promise’ you said before he leaned in and gave you another kiss before guiding your back down on to the mattress.

After you lied down comfortably, Cillian kissed you once again before his lips began trailing down your neck, kissing all over it, while his hands wandered over your naked breasts.

In this moment, you felt somewhat vulnerable. You weren’t exactly blessed with a large bust but Cillian seemed to like what he saw as he kissed down your beautiful body, his lips and tongue exploring and enjoying the sweetness of your flesh.

Eventually, his lips found their way to your perky breasts and lingered at a taut, pierced nipple, the tip of his tongue rolling around it, over the tiny bumps on your areola. He drew it into his mouth, eliciting a soft sigh from you as he sucked.

It felt amazing, much unlike what anyone else had ever done to you before and you could feel an unexpected tension build up in between your legs. The moisture within you was building and you trusted Cillian even once his lips began to trail further down your body.

His lips soon found the swell of your belly, and he showered it with soft kisses. His tongue played a moment in your pierced belly button before he continued his downward journey.

Then, suddenly, his lips touched the top of your lace panties causing you to let out a surprisingly loud moan.

No man had ever been this close to your mound before with anything else but their fingers.

With his fingers, he hooked into the ream of your lace panties before sliding them down all the way past your knees and then down over your feet before letting them drop over the bed.

There you were, completely naked, in front of the man you were so desperate for.

With his head moving back in between your legs, you felt vulnerable and excited at the same time.

The scent of your hot sex was now filling his nostrils, making him crave the taste of you.

His lips first touched the inside of your thighs, sending shivers of pleasure down your spine. Again, you couldn’t help it but moan unexpectantly loud at the sensation.

Your reaction made Cillian smile against your thighs and he moved his head slightly inwards.

You could feel his warm breath on your vulva just before his lips touched your naked mound for the first time.

‘Oh god’ you inhaled sharply, making him smile again. He clearly was doing all the right things and took it slow, much slower than he would usually take it.

After kissing your most intimate body part a couple of time, he finally let his tongue lightly trace down the folds of your flesh.

It felt insane and you moaned loudly before you started to squirm when his tongue ran through your folds for the second time.

Cillian soon felt your fingertips caress his hair as he teased you.

He ran his tongue up and down those lips, enjoying the wetness between them.

‘Oh god Cillian’ you moaned just as you gripped his hair tighter as he pushed his tongue inward in between your lips, savouring the sweet taste of you.

By this point you were dripping wet as his tongue went as deep as it could, his face awash with your warm juices.

Then, Cillian pulled back slightly, moving his tongue up and down, side to side, not wanting to leave any part of your sex untouched.

At the top, he found that sensitive nub of flesh, now fully extended. As his tongue flicked against it, he felt you give a little shiver of pleasure. His tongue swirled around and around, and then his lips engulfed it, sucking it gently as you began to moan even louder.

‘Cillian, fuck’ you moaned as you let your body take in the fullest extend of this sensation and closed your eyes.

Just as you closed your eyes, you could feel one of Cillian’s fingers run over your wet slit while his tongue continued to swirl around your clit.

You took in a deep breath but tried to relax as much as possible, thinking about what he might be doing next.

And, just like this, he carefully slipped a finger into you, watching your cues closely for any pain.

‘Oh god, fuck’ you moaned again at the sensation. To your surprise, it felt nice, very nice.

After your body relaxed again Cillian began moving his finger in and out in a slow, steady rhythm as his tongue played a staccato on your pulsing clit.

He loved your taste, your scent, your sounds, he was in his happy place, and your pleasure was his goal.

He kept going, making love to you with his lips and tongue and fingers. Your sounds intensified in volume; the grip on his hair tightened; your hips rose as you squirmed beneath his ministrations.

After several minutes of pure extasy, Cillian carefully inserted a second finger while he gentle sucked on your clit.

You tensed up once again at the intrusion but, following some mild discomfort, were able to relax again. The slight amount of pain quickly turned into pleasure and your breathing was becoming heavier.

You felt full, just by his fingers and they moved in and out of you in the perfect rhythm.

With your moans becoming louder and louder and your walls becoming tighter around his fingers, he could tell that you were close. He pushed his fingers into you deeper, hooking them slightly upward and touching that other magical spot you never knew existed.

Your moans turned into screams of pleasure and your hips bucked as he pushed you over the edge.

Cillian lifted his eyes so he could look up at you and see your head thrown back, eyes closed, and mouth open with your moans and screams of pleasure filling the room.

You were totally lost in the ecstasy of the moment. His tongue was still dancing against your pulsing extended clit.

Your hips bucked one more time, and then you grasped his hair and pulled him away. It was too much, too intense.

He would have kept going for as long as you would let him, but your body had reached the point of pleasure saturation, and you needed to catch your breath.

While you were breathing heavily, coming down from your high slowly, Cillian kissed his way up your body until your lips met, and you shared one long deep kiss.

‘Are you alright?’ he asked as he could see small tears building up in your eyes. You looked completely exhausted and somewhat confused.

‘Yes, it’s just… I think I just had an orgasm’ you laughed.

‘Well, that was the idea’ Cillian chuckled. But you didn’t laugh at his joke. You were entirely overwhelmed.

‘Have you not had one before?’ Cillian asked somewhat surprised by your reaction.

‘What, an orgasm? No…But I read it’s normal for women not to have orgasms’ you said shyly.

‘If that was true then that would be pretty disappointing’ Cillian chuckled as he took you into his arms.

‘How about you get some rest alright?’ Cillian said with a smile as you seemed somewhat besides yourself which he thought was cute.

It didn’t take long for you to fall asleep in his arms. You felt so safe and secure next to him.

But for Cillian, it took a little longer. Whilst he promised you to take it slow and was prepared to stick to his promises, deep down inside, he wanted you, all of you.

Good Morning Mr Murphy

The next morning, your alarm went off at 7am. You had to attend art school which was due to start at 9am.

You would have rather stayed in bed with Cillian, but this wasn’t an option.

When the sound of your alarm ripped you out of your dreams and your eyes shot open, you noticed that Cillian wasn’t lying next to you.

As you got up to look for him, you heard the shower running in the bathroom. He was up early and it surprised you.

‘Can I come in?’ you asked as you knocked on the bathroom door.

‘Uhm, yes sure’ Cillian yelled out. He clearly was still in the shower.

‘Good Morning’ you said as you walked inside, not being able to see Cillian through the steam covering the door of the shower.

‘Good Morning… I will be out in a minute’ Cillian said, his voice sounding somewhat hasty.

‘No need, I just come in’ you said.

Without asking permission, you opened the shower door and stepped inside.

Your lips instantly met Cillian’s lips as you stepped closer towards him. But he seemed somewhat uncomfortable with your quick approach.

As you went to press your body against his soapy chest, you could feel something in between you and, just as you did, you looked downwards.

This was the first time you saw Cillian’s most intimate part and it was quite a sight.

‘Sorry’ Cillian said with some embarrassment as his erection pressed against you. He had struggled with it on and off since the previous night.

‘Now I am no expert, but I think that your reaction down there tells me that you like me, a lot’ you giggled as your hand reached for his hard cock.

Cillian moaned at your touch and you slowly began stroking him.

‘Now, I have never done this before so just tell me if I do something wrong alright?’ you said as your hands moved to either side of his hips.

‘Done what?’ Cillian asked and, just as he did, you dropped down to your knees right there in front of him.

‘This’ you said as you took hold of his cock again and guided it towards your mouth.  

You could hear a soft moan come out of Cillian as your tongue touched his shaft for the first time.  

You first licked the side of his shaft tentatively. Your heart was pounding as you did and you continued licking the sides and worked your way to the top of his cock.

Swirling your tongue around the head of Cillian’s cock and then working your way back down the shaft, you felt like you found yourself in another world, one you had never been in before.

Cillian groaned again and you felt his hands on your head as you continued licking his cock and then finally taking him into your mouth as far as you could go.

You didn't have a clue what you were doing, never having done this before, but you started bobbing up and down his shaft.

As Cillian’s moans became louder and steadier, you started bobbing up and down his cock even faster. You could taste his per cum on your tongue and then felt his hands hold on to the hair on your head even tighter.

You were in control but it was almost like he needed to hold on to something, grab something with his hands.

‘Fuck Y/N’ he moaned and you could tell he was getting close.

Before he could say anything else, you looked up at him.

‘I want you to come in my mouth’ you said before taking him back inside your mouth.

He looked surprised but didn’t dare to argue and, after a few more head bobs, he let go.

You could feel his cock begin to throb in your mouth and, just as you did, his hot sweet cum began to flow steadily from his shaft into your mouth.

You stopped bobbing your head as he came down from his high and let go of his cock before looking up at him and opening your mouth.

He could see his cum in your mouth and the disbelieve on his face made you laugh for a second, causing you to spill some but swallowing the rest.

‘Are you sure you never done this before because I never had a woman do this last bit’ Cillian chuckled as he helped you up.

‘No…never’ you said. ‘But, I’ve watched porn before’ you laughed as you wiped your mouth before giving Cillian a kiss.

After your intimate encounter, you both cleaned yourself off and got dressed before Cillian gave you a lift to art school.

Unpleasant Surprise

Your day at art school was good but you couldn’t get Cillian out of your head that day.

You went as far as to cancel your date with Anita that same afternoon so that you could surprise Cillian at his house later.

It was probably for the better you thought as Anita had many questions for you that day after Darcy had told her that he saw you at the theatre with Cillian.

At 4.30pm, after picking up some food and clothes from at home, you made your way to Cillian’s place.

You knocked on the door and, eventually, Cillian opened.

‘What are you doing here Y/N?’ Cillian asked surprised. You came by unannounced and thought that, maybe, it wasn’t a good idea after all. Perhaps he didn’t like surprises.

‘I am sorry, I should have called. I just wanted to surprise you’ you said before asking Cillian whether you could come inside.

‘It’s not a good time Y/N’ Cillian said and, in this moment, you could hear a female voice from inside his apartment.

Through the crack of the door, you could see a blonde woman. She was pretty, probably in her late thirties, wearing a black dress and heels. It was obvious to you that Cillian and her were close.

‘Can I call you later?’ Cillian asked.

‘Right, sure’ you sighed as you handed him the bag with the food and walked off.

As you walked towards the elevator, tears were building up in your eyes and you felt overwhelmingly anxious and upset. Perhaps he wasn’t different than other actors and you were just another quick fling.

You didn’t pick up his calls that day. You’ve been hurt enough by men in the past.

[calzona-ga]

In her unauthorized book, Lynette Rice explores the stories behind some of the ABC drama's biggest moments, including — in this exclusive excerpt — the factors that led to McDreamy's shocking death.

In How to Save a Life: The Inside Story of Grey’s Anatomy, author Lynette Rice recounts the ABC medical drama’s eventful 16-year history, revealing new details behind some of the show’s biggest departures. Included in the unauthorized, 320-page oral history (St. Martin’s Press, Sept. 21, $29.99) is a chapter that offers new insight into leading man Patrick Dempsey’s shocking exit in season 11 of the Shonda Rhimes-created drama. In the chapter, Rice speaks with Dempsey’s co-stars and exec producers who were present during filming of his final days on Grey’s Anatomy, and reveals claims of “HR issues” that contributed to the death of his alter-ego, Derek “McDreamy” Shepherd.

“There were HR issues. It wasn’t sexual in any way. He sort of was terrorizing the set. Some cast members had all sorts of PTSD with him,” recalls exec producer James D. Parriott, who was brought back to the series to oversee Dempsey’s exit.

In more than 80 interviews with current and former cast- and crewmembers, Rice, an editor-at-large at Entertainment Weekly, also explores the show’s early days, recounts the thinking behind some of its more polarizing storylines and offers exclusive details about the show’s behind-the-scenes culture.

“After 17 seasons, fans still can’t get enough of Grey’s Anatomy,” Rice tells THR. But what went down behind the scenes was just as dramatic as what viewers saw every Thursday. I’m excited for fans to read what I learned about those early days, along with what it was like to work for Shonda Rhimes, and why the drama was so freakin’ headline-prone.”

Below, The Hollywood Reporter shares an excerpt — the full eighth chapter — from How to Save a Life, and tune in Friday to TV’s Top 5 for an interview with Rice about her book and the other big reveals she uncovered in her reporting for it.

(Reps for ABC, ABC Signature, Shondaland, and Dempsey declined comment on the reveals in Rice’s book.)

“He’s Very Dreamy, but He’s Not the Sun,” Or, How Grey’s Anatomy Loved — Then Learned to Live Without — Patrick Dempsey Ellen Pompeo may have played the titular role, but for many fans over many years, Patrick Dempsey was the real draw to Grey’s Anatomy. Some of it had to do with his celebrity: Dempsey was the most famous member of the original cast at the time of the pilot and brought with him quite a cult following from his 1987 movie Can’t Buy Me Love. But a lot of it was due to the way Rhimes wrote her McDreamy and how Dempsey depicted him. James D. Parriott I would say, “The guy would never say that,” and Shonda would say, “He’s McDreamy. He’s the perfect man. He would say that.” I’d say, “Okay. It’s your show.” Eric Buchman Shonda had a very clear idea of how important it was to keep Derek as this almost idealized love interest, not just for Meredith but for the audience. Naturally, the writers—especially writers who had been working on one-hour dramas for a while—were like, “Well, maybe have McDreamy make a big mistake in surgery and kill somebody. Or he develops an addiction of some kind. What is his deep, dark secret?” Shonda was very insistent: that’s not the character we do that with. Even when you find out he’s married, that was done in a very sympathetic way that kept him being a hero. He was wronged by his spouse and in spite of it all he was still gonna give his marriage a second chance. Stacy McKee Shonda was protective of McDreamy, but it was really with an eye toward being protective of Meredith. I don’t think the two were separate from one another. I don’t think she wanted to put something out there that maybe on the surface might seem a little frivolous. At its core, there was something really substantial that she wanted to say. She wanted to be very specific about the type of relationship values that she put out there. Tony Phelan I was in editing with Shonda once, and it was the scene where Meredith and Derek had broken up. He comes over and she’s like, “I can’t remember the last time we kissed.” And he says, “I remember. You were wearing this and you smelled of this …”

Joan Rater “Your shampoo smelled like flowers, you had that sweater on …” He described their last kiss. Tony Phelan Typically in editing you start on Derek, then you cut to Meredith for a reaction, and then you’ll go back to him. I noticed that we weren’t ever cutting back to Meredith. I asked why. Shonda said, “Because the woman in Iowa who’s watching this show wants to believe that Patrick is talking to her, and if you cut back to Meredith, it pushes them out of it.” In those special moments, we would just lock into Derek and let him do his thing. Joan Rater And he was a master at it. Patrick Dempsey He’s the ideal man, and that’s what Shonda constructed. There’s a projection [of him] onto me when you come in contact with fans, certainly with the younger and older fans. There is a certain amount of expectation. There is a responsibility to it. It made me grow, too. There were good qualities [of his] that you work on to obtain. Off camera, Dempsey was equally as charismatic to his fellow actors, crew members, and anyone who would come to visit the set. Lauren Stamile I was going in to meet him, and I remember I had this little cardigan sweater on and I took it off before I got into the room. Dempsey is one of those people—it’s almost like there’s a light shining around his body, and you feel like you’re the only person in the room. I got so hot and I remember saying, “Gosh, I would take off my sweater if I had one on because I’m so hot, but I took it off.” I was just babbling. He said, “You look nice,” and I said, “You look nicer.” I felt so awkward and he was so gracious and lovely. I was having a nervous breakdown. It’s like this “it” factor. I was like, God, whatever he has, I wish I had. I think it was very obvious how nervous I was, and he went out of his way to make sure he introduced me to everybody and made sure I felt comfortable, which he certainly didn’t have to do. But he did. Joan Rater He knew I had a giant crush on him, and he loved it. And when we’d go to table reads—I was an actress at one point in my life—they would always give me Meredith if Ellen wasn’t there. And I’d be getting my chicken tenders at craft services before the table read and he’d come up behind me and say, “Are you reading Meredith?” in my ear, like, so sexy. I’d be like, Oh my God. I mean, I could barely … I could not look at him. Tina Majorino I worked with Patrick a ton. I love him so much. We had a really great time working together. I think he’s such a great actor and he really made me laugh a lot. I feel like we had a good dynamic in scenes together, and it was always fun to play opposite him. Yes, he’s that charismatic in real life. Yes, his hair is that awesome. Yes, he is dreamy up close.

Chandra Wilson Patrick Dempsey will forever be known as Grey’s Anatomy’s McDreamy. Derek Shepherd is a permanent part of television history.

Norman Leavitt He is a big, personable guy.

Jeannine Renshaw We all love Patrick. Patrick is a sweetheart. If I saw him on the street, I’d give him a hug. I love the guy.

Mark Wilding I’ve always had a soft spot for Patrick. He really does try to do the right thing. Brooke Smith, who played Dr. Erica Hahn, remembers how Dempsey defended her when the decision was made to fire her from the show in 2008. Brooke Smith I remember calling him and saying, “Oh my God, they said they can’t write for me anymore, so I guess I’m leaving.” And he was like, “What are you talking about? You’re the only one they’re writing for.” Which at that time, it kind of did feel that way. But I guess someone didn’t like that. They gave me a statement [to release, about her departure] and I never said it. Patrick said that he actually took it out of his jacket on The Ellen DeGeneres Show and read the statement. He won’t let me forget it. He was like, “I defended you, see?” And it was true.

By season eleven, however, fans saw a disturbing break in MerDer’s once unbreakable bond. Six episodes had gone by without a peep from Derek, who was supposedly in Washington, D.C., where he had apparently made out with a research fellow. Fans began threatening to bolt if their hero didn’t return soon to Seattle. “I have never missed one episode,” wrote a fan on Dempsey’s Facebook page. “But I swear if [Rhimes] kills you off I’m done.” But there was a critical reason for Derek’s strange absence: behind the scenes, there was talk of Dempsey’s diva-like fits and tension between him and Pompeo. To help manage the explosive situation, executive producer James D. Parriott was brought back in to serve as a veritable Dempsey whisperer.

Patrick Dempsey [That] was the first year that I haven’t been in every episode. I [was] in every episode since the pilot— close to 250 episodes. That [was a] huge run. James D. Parriott Shonda needed an OG to come in as sort of a showrunner for fourteen episodes. There were HR issues. It wasn’t sexual in any way. He sort of was terrorizing the set. Some cast members had all sorts of PTSD with him. He had this hold on the set where he knew he could stop production and scare people. The network and studio came down and we had sessions with them. I think he was just done with the show. He didn’t like the inconvenience of coming in every day and working. He and Shonda were at each other’s throats.

Jeannine Renshaw There were times where Ellen was frustrated with Patrick and she would get angry that he wasn’t working as much. She was very big on having things be fair. She just didn’t like that Patrick would complain that “I’m here too late” or “I’ve been here too long” when she had twice as many scenes in the episode as he did. When I brought it up to Patrick, I would say, “Look around you. These people have been here since six thirty a.m.” He would go, “Oh, yeah.” He would get it. It’s just that actors tend to see things from their own perspective. He’s like a kid. He’s so high energy and would go, “What’s happening next?” He literally goes out of his skin, sitting and waiting. He wants to be out driving his race car or doing something fun. He’s the kid in class who wants to go to recess.

Patrick Dempsey It’s ten months, fifteen hours a day. You never know your schedule, so your kid asks you, “What are you doing on Monday?” And you go, “I don’t know,” because I don’t know my schedule. Doing that for eleven years is challenging. But you have to be grateful, because you’re well compensated, so you can’t really complain because you don’t really have a right. You don’t have control over your schedule. So, you have to just be flexible.

Longtime Crew Member Poor Patrick. I’m not defending his schtick. I like him, but he was the Lone Ranger. All of these actresses were getting all this power. All the rogue actresses would go running to Shonda and say, “Hey, Patrick’s doing this. Patrick’s late for work. He’s a nightmare.” He was just shut out in the cold. His behavior wasn’t the greatest, but he had nowhere to go. He was so miserable. He had no one to talk to. When Sandra left, I remember him telling me, “I should’ve left then, but I stayed on because they showed me all this money. They just were dumping money on me.”

Patrick Dempsey It [was] hard to say no to that kind of money. How do you say no to that? It’s remarkable to be a working actor, and then on top of that to be on a show that’s visible. And then on top of that to be on a phenomenal show that’s known around the world, and play a character who is beloved around the world. It’s very heady. It [was] a lot to process, and not wanting to let that go, because you never know whether you will work again and have success again.

Jeannine Renshaw A lot of the complaining … I think Shonda finally witnessed it herself, and that was the final straw. Shonda had to say to the network, “If he doesn’t go, I go.” Nobody wanted him to leave, because he was the show. Him and Ellen. Patrick is a sweetheart. It messes you up, this business.

James D. Parriott I vaguely recall something like that, but I can’t be sure. It would have happened right toward the end, because I know they were negotiating and negotiating, trying to figure out what to do. We had three different scenarios that we actually had to break because we didn’t know until I think about three days before he came back to set which one we were going to go with. We didn’t know if he was going to be able to negotiate his way out of it. We had a whole story line where we were going to keep him in Washington, D.C., so we could separate him from the rest of the show. He would not have to work with Ellen again. Then we had the one where he comes back, doesn’t die, and we figure out what Derek’s relationship with Meredith would be. Then there was the one we did. It was kind of crazy. We didn’t know if he was going to be able to negotiate his way out of it. It was ultimately decided that just bringing him back was going to be too hard on the other actors. The studio just said it was going to be more trouble than it was worth and decided to move on.

Stacy McKee I don’t think there was any way to exit him without him dying. He and Meredith were such an incredibly bonded couple at that point. It would be completely out of character if he left his kids. There was no exit that would honor that character other than if he were to die. Patrick Dempsey I don’t remember the date [I got the news]. It was not in the fall. Maybe February or March. It was just a natural progression. And the way everything was unfolding in a very organic way, it was like, “Okay! This is obviously the right time.” Things happened very quickly. We were like, “Oh, this is where it’s going to go.”

So that was that: McDreamy would die in episode twenty-one of season eleven, even though Dempsey was in year one of his recently signed two-year contract extension. Rhimes wrote a script that was befitting of her lead’s heroic persona: she began “How to Save a Life” by having Derek witness a car crash and helping the injured. Once it appeared everyone was out of harm’s way, Derek continues on his road trip but is suddenly broadsided by a truck.

Rob Hardy (Director) The paramedics leave. He’s there by himself. He’s having a moment. The nice music is playing, and all of a sudden, bang. It comes out of nowhere, which, you know, is how accidents happen. So as opposed to watching it as a viewer, we saw the accident happen through Derek’s perspective. Derek ends up at Dillard Medical Center, a hospital far from Grey Sloan and the talented doctors who work there. His eyes are open, but his brain is severely damaged. No one hears his plea for a CT scan; he can’t speak. To help keep the episode a secret, the scenes were shot in an abandoned hospital in Hawthorne, California, about twenty-two miles from the show’s home studio in Los Feliz.

Mimi Melgaard It was really hard on all of us because it was so secretive and we had so many different locations. We shot at this closed-down hospital that was absolutely creepy haunted. All the scenes there were so sad anyway, and in this yucky-feeling haunted hospital? It was really weird. His whole last episode was really tough. Patrick Dempsey It was like any other day. It was just another workday. There was still too much going on. You’re in the midst of it—you’re not really processing it. Rob Hardy Here’s a guy who’s immobile. Now you’re inside of his head. We were trying to make that feel scary from the perspective of a person who’s used to being in control, from a person who usually has the power of life and death in his own hands. But now he doesn’t have the ability to speak on his own behalf.

Samantha Sloyan When I went to audition, I didn’t recognize any of these doctors’ names. I assumed they were just dummy sides so people wouldn’t ruin the story line or anything like that. All we knew is that we were dealing with a man who’s been in a car accident. I had no idea that it was going to be Derek. I just figured I was going to be a guest doctor and that whoever this person was who was injured, was going to be just a character on the show. Once it became clear what we were working on, I was like, Oh, my gosh. I can’t believe this is the episode I’m on.

Mike McColl (Dr. Paul Castello) I signed an NDA before they would release the script to me. I was reading it in my house, and I was like, “Oh, my God.” I didn’t tell anyone, including my agents. I just said, “This is a really great booking. It’s a great role on Grey’s.” And they didn’t know anything until it aired.

Savannah Paige Rae (Winnie) The first scene I shot was actually the sentimental scene when I’m saying, “It’s a beautiful day to save lives, right?” I’m in the hospital room with Derek and talking to him. Even though I never watched the show, I recognized the value of the episode I was in and just really took it to heart. It was so special that I got to be a part of it.

Rob Hardy [Patrick] had a lot of emotions during the whole shoot, which evolved. I think when we first started, he was very calm and cool … the same Patrick that I remembered when I worked on the show a year or so before. With each passing day, he was a lot more emotional. A lot more was on his mind, and that would show itself in different ways. The finality of the episode and for his character was setting in. You’ve become a global icon on this show and then in five, four, three, two, a day … it’s over.

James D. Parriott Patrick was very cooperative and good.

Mike McColl When I met Patrick, he’s lying on a stretcher and we’re rushing him into the ER. I just introduced myself, shook his hand, and was like, “Man, I cannot tell you what an honor it is to be the guy to take you down.” He loved it. He could not have been nicer to me and was funny through the whole shoot. He was on the table in front of me there when I cut his chest open and all that stuff. He gave me a hug at the end. It was a real privilege to be a part of TV history in that way.

Samantha Sloyan I remember him being incredibly kind. They had his neck in a brace, and he’s strapped down to the board, so there wasn’t a ton of chatting. I remember him being really kind, but it was clearly intense for him.

Stacy McKee It was such a beautiful piece of storytelling. I knew this event was going to be a really sad, horrible event for Meredith, but I also knew it was going to be the beginning of such an incredible chapter for Meredith.

Dempsey completed his final hours of shooting on a rainy night. There was no goodbye party, no goodbye cake. Maybe that’s because some cast members were left out of the loop. James Pickens, Jr., told ABC News that the cast “didn’t know a whole lot. It was kind of on the fly. So whatever information we got, we pretty much got it kind of right before it happened.”

Caterina Scorsone (Dr. Amelia Shepherd) I didn’t get to say goodbye to Patrick when he left. I do think that helped, because I’ve been using the character of Derek in my internal landscape since Private Practice. Derek was the stability in Amelia’s life. He became a father figure after they watched robbers shoot their father. When he was suddenly gone from the show, we didn’t have that closure, so I got to play it out. She’s about to use drugs again before Owen confronts her in a way that she finally talks about her feelings about losing Derek. She doesn’t end up using.

James D. Parriott The day he left, that was my last day. There was a certain sadness to it, but I think he was relieved. I mean, I think it took a toll on him, too.

Rob Hardy I didn’t see other actors showing up and saying, “Hey, it’s the last day! Wanted to come and wish you well.” I didn’t get that. It was more the Patrick show. We were in the Patrick world, and then Ellen came, and there was definitely a lot of emotion that both of them had individually … not necessarily together. It was more so her being there on the day that he died. He had his own way of being with that, and the same thing with her. It was like two people who grew up together and … here we are. They had their own way of reflecting.

Patrick Dempsey I very quietly left. It was beautiful. It was raining, which was really touching. I got in my Panamera, got in rush-hour traffic, and two hours later I was home. Big news like this doesn’t stay quiet for long. Both Michael Ausiello—who left EW in 2010 to launch the news site TVLine—and Lesley Goldberg of The Hollywood Reporter learned two weeks prior to Dempsey’s final episode that he would be leaving the show. No reporter worth their salt wants to sit on a scoop—least of all one as huge as this—but Ausiello and Goldberg didn’t want to spoil the outcome for fans, so they agreed to hold the story until after the episode aired. I eventually found out, too, but in the nuttiest way imaginable: I was standing on the set of CSI: Cyber, watching Patricia Arquette talk about some droll techno-criminal. Unfortunately, the publicist also cc’d Dempsey’s manager and ABC publicist while trying to give me a major story, so I couldn’t immediately report the scoop. But I did use the information to successfully negotiate the one and only exit interview with Dempsey. Two weeks before his final episode, I met him and his publicist at Feed Body & Soul in Venice, California, for a story that would hit newsstands on April 24. He seemed a little shell-shocked and at one point choked up, but at the time he said nothing about how his on-set behavior may have contributed to his ouster. My editor, Henry Goldblatt, wanted to put him on the cover of Entertainment Weekly, but he couldn’t guarantee to ABC that no one would see it before the episode aired. Good thing we didn’t: some subscribers got the issue on the morning of Dempsey’s final episode— and one actually tweeted the story. Our PR department tried to get the tweets removed, but the cat was out of the bag: some fans found out early that McDreamy was about to be McHistory. Outlets like Variety reported how the story got out early, while our PR department released this statement: “We are surprised that an EW subscriber may have received their issue a day earlier than planned. We always try our best to bring readers exclusive news first. We would like to apologize to fans of the show that learned the news ahead of time.” Dempsey’s final episode was watched by 8.83 million viewers—the show’s largest audience since the premiere that season. Variety even pontificated whether the ratings boost was due to my exclusive with Dempsey.

Lesley Goldberg (The Hollywood Reporter) I’m used to working with networks to hold news as part of their efforts to guard against plot spoilers. But the way Patrick Dempsey’s exit was handled involved a layer of paranoia and secrecy that has been unlike anything I’ve seen in my reporting career. News that he was leaving, and his character being killed off, would have been a major story considering how big the show is domestically and internationally. However, it also would have meant spoiling the episode and, more important, damaging key relationships I’ve worked hard to build. At some point, publishing the news of Dempsey’s exit before the episode aired became an ethical question of what was more important—a big story and its subsequent traffic, which would have come no matter what, or the relationships and trust that it took years to craft. Ultimately, I still published early because EW subscribers received the issue with Lynette’s Dempsey interview before the episode aired.

Mike McColl The morning after Derek’s last episode aired, my daughter sent me a link that was on YouTube or Facebook or something. I actually pulled it up to look at it, and it was a Grey’s Anatomy showbiz cheat sheet. It asked the question “Who is the attending doctor who killed Derek ‘McDreamy’ Shepherd?” It included a photo that I posted from the set. I had on a bloody rubber glove and was in my scrubs and mask. I never obviously would have posted this before it aired. I posted it well after the episode aired, and I [captioned it] “McDeadly.” This writer said something like, “Kill McDeadly.” Maybe that’s why the producer didn’t choose a big-name actor to be the one who killed our beloved McDreamy! I want to be ultrasensitive to these hard-core fans because it means so much to them, and I certainly didn’t mean in that case to make light of it. It’s just, I’m an actor, and I recognize it for what it is. Is everybody clear on the fact that this is just pretend and Patrick knew he was going to be leaving the show? It was just like, “God. He’s okay. He really is okay.”

Peter Horton Derek was going to be there forever with Meredith because you went through a whole journey with them. That was incredibly fulfilling. So even if he’s not there, he’s there. I don’t think any of us really worried about that going away because by then you were so invested in it. The show can last as it has for years.

Patrick Dempsey Lots of people [miss him]. “It’s good to see you alive” is the comment I get. I’m like, “Yes, I’m very much alive in reruns.” People were really invested in that relationship. I knew it would be heavy. Very happy to have moved on with a different chapter in my life.

Samantha Sloyan The montage just killed me, when Meredith says, “It’s okay, you can go.” God, I’m getting choked up just thinking about it. The chemistry they have as a pair and the way they were able to build that and sustain it! So many of these relationships are, like, “Will they, won’t they,” and then it wears thin. They sustained it for the duration of their relationship on the show, and it’s just, I think, a testament to what those two created. It was just unbelievable.

Pompeo addressed Dempsey’s departure with a tweet that focused solely on his character, not on how she spent eleven years working side by side with him: “There are so many people out there who have suffered tremendous loss and tragedy. Husbands and wives of soldiers, victims of senseless violence, and parents who have lost children. People who get up every day and do what feels like is the impossible. So it is for these people and in the spirit of resilance [sic] I am honored and excited to tell the story of how Meredith goes on in the face of what feels like the impossible.” Meanwhile, fans futilely created a Change.org petition to reinstate McDempsey, while other, more desperate ones simply tweeted “We Hate You” to Rhimes.

Shonda Rhimes Derek Shepherd is and will always be an incredibly important character—for Meredith, for me, and for the fans. I absolutely never imagined saying goodbye to our McDreamy. Patrick Dempsey’s performance shaped Derek in a way that I know we both hope became a meaningful example— happy, sad, romantic, painful, and always true—of what young women should demand from modern love. His loss will be felt by all.

Talk about the mother (father?) of all postscripts: In November of 2020 Dempsey reprised his role as McDreamy in the season opener—but only in Meredith’s dreams. Stricken with COVID-19, an unconscious Meredith “imagined” reuniting with her husband on the beach. After talking exclusively to Deadline and saying how it was “really a very healing process, and really rewarding,” Dempsey would return for more beach-based episodes that would ultimately stand out as the best moments of season seventeen. “It was a second chance thing,” one ABC executive told me at the time. “Shonda likes a comeback. Also, they wanted him in their last season.”

[alltooreid]

Dancing With Our Hands Tied

In order to keep Y/N safe from danger, Spencer vows to keep their relationship a complete secret from everyone they know. However, as their romance gets more serious, Y/N and Reid begin to realize that no matter how in love they are, they may have been doomed from the start.

A/N: Back at it with a hopefully very angsty fic! This is of course inspired by the Taylor Swift song, but you don’t need to be familiar with the song to read and enjoy! Also I made a playlist for this one shot, which you can find here (its best if you listen to it in order and of course you don’t have to listen as you read, but if you enjoy that kind of thing, I thought it would be fun). Additionally, in order for the timeline of this fic to make the most sense, I’m choosing to ignore the Lauren Reynolds subplot, because trying to incorporate it and explain it would be distracting and unnecessary in my opinion. Thanks for reading!

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem! Reader

Type: Angst

Word Count: 3.9K

Content Warnings: Some cursing, general fighting angst, discussion of pregnancy, brief mention of abortion (follow up is left intentionally ambiguous, based on your own desires and beliefs you are allowed to decide where that aspect goes (pro choice tings))

“I, I loved you in spite of Deep fears that the world would divide us So, baby, can we dance Oh, through an avalanche?”

Spencer Reid hated funerals. 

Somehow he felt he was always invited to one, and no matter how hard it was for him to be there, he always made every effort to go. So when Hotch had to plan Haley’s funeral, Spencer knew he had to go, no matter how much he would hate it.

He looked down to the grass as his supervisor cried over his now dead wife, the most emotion he had seen from him ever. He refused to look up and watch, although there were at least a hundred people there to mourn Haley, this moment felt innately private to Hotch. Spencer didn’t think it was his place for his eyes to intrude. 

So he stared at the lawn and got lost in his own mind.

Right then and there he realized he never wanted to go through what Hotch had to go through. No matter how many philosophers described love in the most beautiful, enchanting way, Spencer didn’t want it anymore. 

He didn’t want to go through a heartbreak, because how worth it could it be?

Of course, all information he had in his repertoire pointed to the claim that it was worth it. Yet he couldn’t pay attention to Oscar Wilde, trying to tell him that “hearts are made to be broken,” or E. A. Bucchianeri screaming that “grief is the price we pay for love.”

All he could see at that moment was the most stone-faced man he had ever known, breaking down in front of everyone he knew over the woman he loved. 

At that moment Spencer Reid vowed to completely give up on love. He would become the best profiler to ever live. People would compare him to Jason Gideon, but Spencer Reid would win every time. Spencer wouldn’t let himself be like Gideon and get so hung up over a person that he couldn’t ever work anymore.

So when Spencer left the funeral and went to bed that night, he was confident that he would sleep alone like that forever. It was comfortable like that and he was happy. Who needs to be in love?

Not Spencer Reid that’s for sure.

Well, until three months later, when Spencer Reid met Y/N Y/L/N. 

She was beautiful, and Spencer knew he wanted to get to know her the first time he laid eyes on her. 

But he was doing such a good job recently…. Even Hotch was impressed with his work ethic. The only one who had talked to him about his lack of emotion was Penelope, she seemed concerned when Spencer told her he didn’t want to meet let alone go on a date with the cute nerdy barista from her go to coffee shop. Spencer refused to reason with her, he was too focused on proving himself to Hotch and the rest of the team. 

Even though in the back of his mind, Spencer knew he had already proven himself to the rest of the team, now he just needed to be good enough for himself.

A truly impossible task.

But he was still trying to do it, so he didn’t talk to the barista at the new coffee shop he was trying.  

He wasn’t expecting her to try and talk to him. Maybe that’s why he was so willing to give up his own reasoning.  

“That’s a lot of sugar, sugar. Are you as sweet as your coffee?” she said, giggling as she did it. She knew the line was cheesy and stupid but she had been eyeing Spencer Reid since he came in and knew she needed to get his attention. Luckily, he couldn’t help but laugh.

Their first date was right then and there. They got distracted and talked till closing, Y/N’s coworkers noticing she was actually putting herself out there and deciding to pick up her slack so she could continue. 

“So are you going to call me Dr. Reid or were you just leading me on for 3 hours?”

“Of course I’ll call you, how else am I going to get you to watch Doctor Who?”

Y/N smiled, “Well I know this is kind of forward, but I have this art exhibit tomorrow, I would love to see you there. But don’t over think that! I’ve invited pretty much everyone I know. I have a bet to win amongst the other art students, whoever has the most people come to see them wins one of those giant Costco sheet cakes. I need that sheet cake Spencer.”

Spencer smiled, “Well, I am from Vegas . . . Maybe I could help push the odds in your favor.”

“Well I can’t wait to see you there. Tomorrow, 6 pm, I’ll text you the details.”

It was only when he laid down to sleep that Spencer remembered his philosophy on love, but strangely, he did not care. 

He may have been trying to freeze his heart, but Y/N was coming in with a blowtorch.

And he didn’t mind. In fact he unlocked the door to let her in.

So when he arrived at work the next morning, he fully intended on going to her art show. He thought about what flowers to bring her. . . was this a date? Was last night a date? Were roses too strong a message? He couldn’t do anything red, it was too forward. Pink? What if she saw it as stereotypical because she’s a woman, maybe she hates pink?! Yellow Tulips were safe, but if he got her yellow tulips then she would think they were just friends and Spencer didn’t want to be just friends.

His internal debate was interrupted by none other than Penelope Garcia, but not to interrupt their paperwork day with a case, but to make an announcement to the bullpen.

“Hello my loves! I have an interesting idea for some team bonding tonight, my favorite barista and dear friend has invited me to her school art show. Of course she needs the most support humanly possible, so you all need to come with me and look at cool art!”

“Who’s this friend of yours Penelope?” JJ asked.

“Oh Jayge you’ve met Y/N! She’s lovely and I’m sure an incredible artist. You guys will all love her!”

Suddenly Spencer remembered Hotch and his broken down faces at Haley’s funeral. He remembered his philosophy on love and his fear of heartbreak.

But he also remembered how alive he felt with Y/N. How the way she laughed like a little kid and how that made him feel giddy. He remembered how she was always so interested in what he had to say. He remembered that he really liked her.

And at that moment, Spencer realized that he did not have to choose between being in love and keeping his heart safe from the devastating heartbreak of seeing his true love die. He realized that the reaper could only find Haley because Hotch let people know they were together Because everyone knew of Hotch’s wife, she was in constant danger.

Maybe if he kept Y/N secret he could still be with her.

“Spencer! Did you hear me?”

“No, um sorry Garcia what did you say?”

“I asked if you were going to come to Y/N’s art show, you know you too would make such a cute couple! You should totally come.”

“I actually can’t, I’m not feeling well.”

She sighed, “That’s what you said last time I tried to get you two together 187 . . . Do you want to talk about anything Spencer? You haven’t been yourself lately.”

“I’m fine, I just have a headache. I don’t want to go out tonight.”

She rested her hand on his shoulder for a second, before following Morgan to the kitchen. Spencer knew she was going to say something to him, but he didn’t care. He had found the perfect solution to his conundrum.

And he knew exactly what flowers to send to Y/N.

Y/N texted him thirteen times, and waited an extra hour after the open house closed in case he showed. So although she went home empty handed, one person away from enough cake to feed fifty, she received a call from Spencer Reid.

“Hey, where were you tonight? I was looking forward to seeing you.”

“I’m sorry Y/N, something came up, but I have something for you! Are you still there?”

“Oh no, I just got to my apartment. I can send you the address.”

“I’ll be over as soon as I can.”

And five minutes later Spencer was at Y/N’s door, with Chinese take out and white peonies, a flower known for its apologetic symbolism.

Y/N blushed, “You didn’t have to bring me flowers Spencer . . .”

“Well I wanted to bring some to your show, but I figured this could be the next best thing . . . And maybe we could eat some of your Costco sheet cake afterwards. Sounds like a balanced meal to me.”

“Although I love that idea, I unfortunately came home tonight sheet cake-less.”

Reid frowned, “How close were you? Would I have made any difference?”

“Oh no!” Y/N lied, “I was way off, don’t even worry about it.” She smiled, “I’m just excited that you're here right now.”

Spencer blushed and looked down at his feet, “Well I’m excited to be here.”

Four months after that night, Y/N asked Spencer a seemingly stupid question while they were eating take out at her apartment. “Spencer, I love takeout and all but we haven’t gone out in public together since the first time we met. . . Call me stupid but I’m starting to wonder if you don’t want to be seen with me.”

Spencer sighed, “Y/N, it’s not that it’s just . . . complicated.”

“I just don’t get it. Am I the second woman or something?”

“No! Absolutely not! You are my one and only flower,” he said, smiling and then leaning in to kiss her nose. She giggled in response, but quickly remembered the serious nature of their conversation. “Y/N, you know what I do for a living.”

“I don’t understand what that has to do with anything.”

“Not too long ago, my boss was targeted by a serial killer who made it his mission to make his life miserable. In doing so he killed his wife. I just . . .  I don’t want that to happen to you Y/N. I think I’m falling in love with you, and I can’t put you through that.”

“Spencer . . . I love you too.”

So no matter how badly Y/N wanted to tell her family, or update her Facebook status, she respected Spencer, and although she didn’t completely understand his concerns, she wanted him to be happy.

So she spent ten more months like that, catering to Spencer Reid’s peace of mind. Pretending to smile as he told her stories of all the funny things his team members did, all about their partners, and their love lives.

A couple times now, Y/N asked Spencer if she could meet them, but Spencer always shot it down. When he first mentioned the idea of keeping their relationship a secret, Y/N had secretly hoped it would be one of those things that was forgotten about within a week or two. But no. It had been many, many weeks, and Spencer still didn’t want to be seen in public with her.

And by now that was all she wanted. To go on a real date, to introduce him to her friends, to actually be able to tell her coworkers that something did come from that guy she hit it off with.

Everyday, Y/N felt she did the same exact thing, she went to work, would come home and if Spencer was still in Quantico, she would convince him to come over. (They had been dating for over a year now, and Y/N had never been to his apartment. She didn’t even know where it was). If Spencer did come over, he would usually bring some kind of dessert with him, and they would talk and be merry in their own little secret oasis. A couple weeks ago, Y/N started to get this uncomfortable, uneasy feeling that encompassed her whole body, her whole being. Every part of her was trying to tell her that Spencer Reid was not the man for her. And even though she was still very much in love with him, she agreed.

Although she loved Spencer for the person he was, the man who brought her every different flavor of cheesecake from the bakery across town (one a day for fifty nine days straight), the man who begged her to make him a painting for valentines day instead of buying him a present, the man who cried when she did and laughed when she did and-

There were a lot of things to love about Spencer Reid, but there were a lot of things to hate about their relationship.

She hated the time she bought a gold locket in the shape of a heart, and put a picture of them in it so she could keep him with her all day long, and he made her return it because it could fly open and someone could recognize him. She hated the day she came home with a little beige kitten named Betsy and Spencer made her give Betsy to her sister so that he wouldn’t get cat hair on his clothes and have to answer a million questions. She hated the time Spencer missed her birthday weekend because he had a case and couldn’t give an excuse to why he couldn’t go. She hated that Spencer was her entire life, while she seemed like just an inconvenience to his.

And most of all, she hated that she loved him so much. Because deep down she knew that she could never leave Spencer Reid, but she also knew that there was no way they could last if nothing changed.

Just then Spencer knocked on her door, she had offered him his own key many times, but he declined because he didn’t want anyone to see it on his key ring and ask what it was for. She let him in, and right away his fun perky smile dropped. “You’ve been crying. I can tell.”

“Is that the kind of thing they teach you in FBI school?”

“Yes actually, but that’s not the point,” he said, dropping his bouquet of red chrysanthemums on Y/N’s coffee table and grabbing one of her hands with both of his. “Talk to me Y/N.”

She sighed, “I love you Spencer, but I just don’t know if we can do this anymore.”

“What do you mean flower?”

“Spencer we’ve been together for over a year-”

“One year, two months and five days,” he corrected.

“Yes, yes that. We’ve been together for one year, two months and five days but no one except us knows that.”

“Y/N I thought you were okay with that, I just want you to be safe.”

“I thought I was okay with it but,” she paused, afraid of what she wanted to say, “I’m not Spencer, I don’t want to live like this anymore. I love you, and I want to be with you. To really be with you. What happens if we ever get married, do we have to get eloped, would you even let us get married because you need someone else to watch? When do I get to tell my mom I’m in a relationship? What if you get hurt out in the field, and no one has heard of me, let alone knows to call me, and we never get to say goodbye? How far do you plan on taking this?”

Spencer grew flustered, “Um, I- I don’t know? I didn’t know you were even thinking about those things.”

“Do you think about those things? Things like getting married?”

“You’re the love of my life Y/N, of course I do.”

“Well then something needs to change. We can’t live like this anymore.”

“Things will get better Y/N, I promise you, we’ll start small but I’m going to make this better for you. Actually, um we can start right now,” he started digging through his messenger bag. After a minute, he pulled out a smaller gold heart locket than the one you had originally purchased for yourself. “I, um I was going to give it to you for your birthday, but I feel like now is the best time. I couldn’t find the same one, but it’s the same picture inside.”

She teared up, “I love it. It’s perfect. Here, put it on me.” She turned around and pushed her hair to one side so that Spencer could clasp the delicate chain around her neck.

They kissed, and afterward Spencer spoke, “I hate to ruin this moment, but I’ve had to use the bathroom ever since I got here.”

Y/N laughed, “Ok go, I’ll be waiting.”

While waiting for her love to come back, Y/N admired her flowers. Ever since Spencer began to get her different flowers to symbolize different things she had developed an abnormal botany fascination. She would always beat Spencer to explaining the symbolism of her latest bouquet, so she already knew the red chrysanthemum was a symbol of prosperous, passionate love in most countries. However she also knew that in Italy, chrysanthemums were a death flower, given only at funerals.

Part of her couldn’t help but wonder if some unconscious part of Spencer’s genius brain was beginning to feel the same way she did. Three weeks later nothing much had changed in the state of Y/N and Spencer’s romance. She was still unheard of in the eyes of the BAU and two nights prior Spencer had stopped her from calling her mother to tell her about him.

And then Y/N discovered her sick, uneasy, all over body feeling was not just her incredible intuition.

She was pregnant.

She had taken a couple of tests a while prior and could just now get into the doctor to get it confirmed. But it was official. She was pregnant.

As soon as the nurse confirmed it she broke down crying. And when she asked her a couple more questions, she broke down even further. “Are you currently in a relationship?”

“No,” she sniffed.

“Do you know who the father is?”

“I don’t know,” she sobbed.

“Sweetheart, I don’t know where you want to go from here, but there’s a lot more options that you may think. Everything will be okay.”

Y/N still cried the whole way home.

She spent the rest of the day thinking about how to tell Spencer, and then overthinking what he would say.

She knew Spencer loved children, but he couldn’t even manage to tell people she existed, how was he going to explain a long term relationship and a baby?

It would have taken decades for Y/N to prepare to deliver this news, but Spencer showed up at 8:19 pm.

“Hi flower! How are you today?”

“I’m pregnant.” She blurted out, she was not planning to do it exactly like that, but she panicked.

“What?”

“I’m pregnant Spencer.”

He sighed and ran one of his hands through his hair, “You could get an abortion?”

Y/N lost it. “Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me Spencer?”

“I don’t think a baby is going to be very easy to keep a secret Y/N.”

“Is this how far you’re willing to go Spencer? You want to keep me hidden so bad that you want me to get an abortion? Are you insane?”

“You’re right, Y/N, I’m sorry, we’ll figure something out.”

“No, you’re wrong there Spencer. I’ll figure something out.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I can’t do this anymore. I’m done. I love you but, please just get out of my apartment.”

“Y/N please don’t do this, I love you, we can make this work. I know I haven’t been doing the best job for these three weeks, but just give me a little time and I promise we can do this.”

Y/N wiped tears from her eyes, then reached her thumb up to Spencer’s face, wiping his cheek. “Spencer, it’s not a matter of how much I love you or you love me. Sometimes, things just aren’t made to work out. We gave it a good run, but no matter how hard we love each other, I don’t think either of us is happy.”

“But I don’t know how to live in a world without you in it, flower.”

“I’ve never been in your world Spencer, after tonight, nothing in your life will drastically change. You don’t have to worry about living in a universe without me because you’ve already been doing that for 15 months.”

“Please don’t do this, can we just give it another try?”

Y/N wrapped her arms around him, “That’s all we’ve been doing.”

The couple stayed in silence like that for a couple of minutes before Spencer spoke. “Can we just stay here for one night. I can’t believe I never got to do it.” Spencer had never spent the full night at Y/N’s place because he always worried that he would forget to answer his phone and the team would try to come to his apartment to tell him they had a case.

“You know we can’t do that Spencer,” she sighed, knowing she had to stay strong and act on her own best interest, but she also loved Spencer. “But you can stay here, if you want.”

He thought for a moment. “Okay, um do I need that key you always offered me? To lock up when I leave?”

“No, the front door locks automatically when you close it, you just have to make sure you have everything before you go.”

And so Spencer slept in Y/N’s bed, for the first time, without her in it.

And Y/N called the one person she knew Spencer would never try to track her down to to avoid exposing himself.

Penelope Garcia.

She of course let Y/N stay with her for the night, and although she would eventually, Garcia did not pry when Y/N said she didn’t want to talk about what was going on. So Y/N walked to her apartment with peace of mind, she knew that although she had a lot to think about, for the time being everything was going to be just fine.

On the way to Penelope’s apartment, Y/N saw a flower vendor. She couldn’t help but stop by and pick up a bouquet for Penelope, but more so for the symbolic meaning.

Daffodils and daisies.

The flowers of new beginnings.

“I'd kiss you as the lights went out Swaying as the room burned down I'd hold you as the water rushes in If I could dance with you again”

- Thank you for reading! Please reblog and let me know what you think :))

holly’s tiny taglist: @reidingmelodies​ @hercleverboy​

[lilousmustaches]

L.A nightmares

Jensen Ackles x Reader

Warnings: TW!!! Sexual harassement, authorities using their power in a nasty way, dissociating, anxiety. 

Notes: Hey! Here i am after years writing Jensen x reader again! How do you feel about it? But okay... this fic. I had this idea when i saw a thread on twitter that told a story about an event that Jensen was with Danneel, they saw a girl being harassed and Jensen immediataly intervened. I can't find this post anywhere but i truly believe that he is that type of guy. Be safe out there ladies! 

Summary: Jensen and the reader are co-stars and travel to L.A together, just to pass throught a series of unfortunate events. 

xxXXxxXXxx

"Here's the next week script (Y/N)." A girl that worked around the set said polity handing you a large new script. You had seen her around before, what was her name? Lauren... Laura! Was Laura. You hated not knowing people's name, especially those who worked with you and for you, but it was so many people walking around, everyday a new person, that made it a bit hard.

 "Thanks Laura!" You asked with a small smile that she retributed and walked away. You started to leafing through the next script seeing that you had more scenes in this episode than in the last two you appeared. 

 "(Y/N)!" Someone shouted making you immediately lift your gaze seeing a smiling Jensen in front of you. "I didn't know you would be here today!" He said hugging you and felt almost dizzy with his perfume. He was definitely one of most good smelling men you ever came across. 

 "You seen me yesterday J." You said laughing breaking the hug and the struggled. 

 "Still missing you though." He said putting his arms in your shoulders and started walking with you again. You had entered the Supernatural cast years before, being a really important character and recently, Sam's love interest. You didn't appeared on every episode but in the most of them, like Misha, for example. Because of this, he was one of your best friends, along with the boys that eventually you became inseparable. Always hanging out together, laughing and pranking each other. It truly was a family. Although you had to kiss Jared sometimes because of some scenes, you saw him practically like a older brother. But with Jensen... Well, that was a whole another story. "What are you doing here anyway? I thought that you had already taken the fight for L.A" 

 "I had to adjust some details of my last scene." You explained. "Why? You wanted me gone, that bad?" You joked hearing him huffing. 

 "Well, yeah, I can't even look at your face anymore." Jensen joked back making you roll your eyes and he laughed, squeezing you harder. "Just kidding sweetheart, you know pretty damn well that I never can bring myself to be tired of you." He said like it was nothing making you blush a little bit. Usual.

 You were already in the outside part of the set and spotted Jared and Misha coming at your direction. 

 "Good things to say Ackles, because I will be going with you to L.A" You explained when the boys came closer. 

 "Really? Thank god you will be saving me from a boring trip with that moron." Jared said stepping up in the conversation referring to Jensen, because Misha wouldn't be able to go to this one, and you smiled. You would take a fight a few days earlier than the boys but because of the problem with one scene, you had to go with them. 

 "Really, argh, I'm so excited." You said making a strange face and they laughed. "It's going to be my first award!" 

 "It's gonna be fun." Jared said and Jensen smiled in adoration looking at you,  lot shorter than him and a few years younger. 

 None of you knowing what kind of things this trip could bring. And man, there were a lot.

 XxXxXxxXx

"Wow." Jensen breathed out stepping up in the apartment you would share in this three days in the city of angels, Los Angeles. Some of the cast had to come to be present in a award that was going to happen in the city. Jared and Genevieve, his wife, opted to stay in a hotel but you had this friend that was out of town and offered her place for you to stay, and you took it, inviting Jensen since you knew he wasn't a big fan of hotels. 

 "Pretty nice, hun?" You said with a little smile realizing that it had been a while since you stayed in there and he nodded. 

 "Tell me about it." He said looking around. The place was pretty wide and cozy. A little fancy but with a lot of little fun things, like a orange table, some colorful frames around and a blue fridge. Your personal favorite. 

 You two adjusted yourselves in the two guests rooms that had in the apartment beside the suite and started to get ready for the dinner Gen invited you. It was some friends of her and some producers, directors and a bunch of kind of important people in the movie industry. You didn't recognize any of the names Jensen told you that would be attempting to it, but why the hell not, you wanted a fun night with some of your friends. 

 You finally finished your makeup and with a last look in the mirror you step out of the room going to the living room, only to find Jensen there, sitting on the couch, ready to go, scrolling throught his phone. Soon as he heard your high heels getting closer, he lifted his gaze, losing his breath for the second time this day. 

 "Wow." He breathed out looking at you with a loose short black dress, red high heels and lipstick. "You look beautiful (Y/N)." He said honestly staring at you and you felt yourself blush. 

 The truth was that you were completely in love with him. For a few years now. Since you started the series, Jensen caught your eye. I mean, how could he not? He was handsome, funny, sweet, always smelling good and the most important thing.... He was caring. Jensen Ackles was one of the most caring guys you knew. Got a problem? Jensen would listen. Hell, Jensen would solve it. And not just with his closest friends, but with everybody around him. He always offered help, not matter what. He makes sure his PA, and the people around set already had breakfast before work. He makes sure to offers to take water, every time someone get drunk on the casts parties. It was the details. And you loved them all. 

 You quickly became friends, and you were okay with being just that. Besides the friendly flirting it's not like you expected something else. Just having someone as incredible as him to call your friend was enough. 

 "Well, you don't look too bad yourself." You said and he laughed, rolling his eyes getting up of the sofa. "But thank you." 

 "I meant it (Y/N), you look like you could break some hearts tonight." Jensen continued to compliment you as he opened the apartment door. "But let's go miss, Jared said that we are already late." 

 You called an Uber to take the two of you to the restaurant placed in DownTown, a district in Los Angeles, one of your favorite parts of the city. Although you enjoyed every little piece of it, you just loved L.A, it made you feel good. After some minutes in the car, and some easy going conversation with Jensen, the driver announced you had arrived. Just for the entrance you could tell it was fancy. 

 "I thought it was just a dinner." You said immediately when you entered the place, looking around seeing that the restaurant was closed for the event and everybody was up talking and walking around. Some waiters were passing serving some food and some of them with trays serving wine, whiskey and champagne. 

 "Yeah, I thought so too" Jensen said, looking around surprised as well. "Hollywood, and their people with grandeur complex." He said making you chuckle. 

 "(Y/N)! Jensen!" You heard and spotted Jared smiling and waving you, with Genevieve by his side. You and Jensen reached them, after a waiter stopped you offering something to drink, you went with wine and Jensen with whiskey. "You finally got here! I was already thinking you wouldn't make it." 

 "Stop being dramatic, we were just a little late." Jensen said hugging his friend and then Gen. You doing the same. 

 "(Y/N) is so good to see you, it has been a while hasn't it?" Gen said breaking the hug and you agreed. Since you became friends with Jared, the friendship with Gen came along and you two just hit so well, in the set, your friends was mostly males and you loved having some girl company when she was around. She introduced you to her friends, that first invited her to the event. They were also actors, and they explained how they met in a project Gen was part of when she was just beginning her career.

 "So, are you guys excited about tomorrow? Heard you're competing in two categories right?" Aaron, one of Gen's friends, said referring to the awards you would be attending because of Supernatural. 

 "Yeah! Especially this girl here who is totally a award virgin." Jared joked putting his hands on your shoulders and you giggled, rolling your eyes.

 "Can you blame me? It's a big step in someone's career!" You defended yourself. "Oh it definitely is! I remembering when I went to my first award, I was so nervous and I wasn't even running for anything." Aaron laughed taking a sip of his wine. "It's just a great place to meet important people."

 "It sure is." Yan, the other friend, agreed. "But if I'm being honest, we are just in the right place for networking right now. Every big fish that can hire and fire you from any huge project in the industry is here tonight." 

 "I noticed... That guy over the balcony is practically one of CW's owners right?" Jensen said holding his whiskey, discreetly pointing at some guy behind you. Your turned around to look, after all one he was one of the owners of the channel Supernatural passed. The guy was a lot older, bald and plus sided, but you quickly turned around when he caught you facing. 

 "Yep, Tony Garcia." Aaron answered. The six of you passed a few more minutes talking and drinking, until they parted to talk to more people that was there. You got that Tony guy staring from time to time. You walked with Jensen for a bit, meeting some great and important people, as Yan had said. Talked for some time with Jared, he was already funny but got even funnier when he was tipsy. And finally, passed some time with Gen... until you had to go to the bathroom.

"(Y/N) right? The Supernatural star!" The Tony guy stopped you when you were getting out of the toilet, in your way back to Jensen that was laughing with some other three mans. You laughed a little embarrassed, why that guy knew your name? Okay, you literally worked for him but he was way far away in the enterprise. 

 "I don't if it could be called that, but yeah! I'm (Y/N), pleasure to meet you!" You said smiling extending your hand to him and he quickly shake his head. 

 "Nah, I don't do hand shakes with beautiful woman like you." Tony said with a laugh already pulling you to a hug. His hand in your back was dangerously close to your butt, his breath stank like whiskey - a great amount of that -, the tone of his voice and the intimacy he putted on the hug was enough to make you uncomfortable. This wasn't right. You could sense something was terrible wrong. "And believe me when I say beautiful, I mean something else." 

 "Ha ha." You gave him a yellow smile already grossed out by the man in front of you. What he was implying? "It's a pleasure to meet you Mrs. Garcia, but if you excuse me I-..."

 "So you know who I am!" He interrupted you, interrupting your way to leaving the conversation too. His tone already implied power and dominance, as if his name had a big weight in the conversation. "Well, as one of the CW's owners I have to say Supernatural brings a lot of benefits for us. I'm happy about the success of the series! I can see why the audience increased after your entrance." Tony said with pure maliciousness in his voice looking you up and down, showing no shame, looking you as if you were totally naked. "I believe woman don't last much on the show, but it would be a shame if you had to leave." He said and you knew that it was a threat. He was threading you.

 You gulped feeling your throat burning from holding back tears. The only words that crossed your mind was 'Every big fish that can hire and fire you'. God, you were a woman, unfortunately harassment was something you experienced all your life but it didn't make any less painful anytime it happened. The fame industry was gross and you knew that. You heard horrible stories about girls having to do every kind of sick bullshit to only get a chance for audition. You were so thankful that none of it happened to you, that you found a show with the most respectful co-workers and producers you could ever think of. But there you were, face-to-face to some sick nasty man that had the power to fire you in a snap of his fingers. 

 "It would indeed." You said forcing a smile, taking a sip of the wine in your hands.

 "I have to say, you have such a beautiful mouth." He said. "I wonder what it can do." 

 "It sure can drink." You said laughing nervously drinking the entire wine that was left in your glass. Only your glass was still half full. It didn't burned more than holding back the tears though.

 "Oh princess, no need to be nervous around me." Tony said laughing and you immediately related to the sound of a pig. That was what he was. A pig. Once again he passed his arm around your body pulling you close and resting his hand, this time, just down your boob but close enough to be touching. You were trapped in his grip, so close to his face, feeling that alcohol breath. You couldn't think the last time you were so uncomfortable, you needed to get out of there, you just needed. Every single part of your body yelled dangerous. "We're all friends here.... We can even be more than it tonight." 

 "Hey." You heard a deep voice by your side and you almost missed the sight of Jensen's hard expression by the tears that now was blurring your eyes. "Let go man, I believe you're making her uncomfortable." 

 "Hey..." Tony laughed looking at Jensen, letting you go and you didn't noticed you were holding your breath until that moment. You immediately stepped away from Tony, going to Jensen's side. "We were just chilling... what? Playing Dean for so long that incorporated the hero type?" 

 "Yeah, it didn't look like chilling to me." Jensen said not losing his posture and not falling for any of his bullshit. Jensen was in the middle of a conversation with some directors, exchanges tips, when he saw you from far away simply drinking your whole glass of wine all at once. He knew you to well to notice something was wrong, and he didn't need more than 10 seconds to understand what was happening. "And relax! I know how to separate my character really well, but I do believe we have basic ethics principles in common." 

 "Okay smart boy." Tony said with now anger is his features. "Remembering who you are taking to. Supernatural can turn into a one star show really quick. And you..." He said turning to you. "Consider yourself fired."

 "As far as I know you don't decide shit about my show, but I do know that you need to start respecting women." Jensen said in the same low tone, with anger in every word. "Excuse me." 

 Jensen leaded you the way making sure you didn't even pass near Tony again, he was with a gentle hand in your back almost not touching you and quickly you two were already outside and you saw him calling a cab. 

 "I'm sorry (Y/N), I got so angry... You wanna go home or you want to stay more? That dick won't get any closer to you, I promise." Jensen asked turning to you and looking straight into your eyes with concerned. 

 "I just wanna go home Jens." You said with a chocked voice letting the first tear fall down. You were in shock, practically shivering. You always says to yourself that the next time something like that happens, you were going to stand, be loud and not take it quietly. But every time you freeze. Every fucking time. 

 You dissociated the entire way back home, with a million thoughts in your head and at the same time, none. You noticed with the corner of your eyes, Jensen constantly looking at you to check and typing something on his phone, probably letting Jared know what happened and why you headed off. He didn't try to talk to you, and honestly you were grateful for that. 

 Immediately when you entered the apartment, you went to the shower. The water was burning hot but it felt like nothing in your body. You didn't know what trigged you so hard, thinking about it, the situation was kind of quick and it could have been a million times worse. But you were so scared that he would fulfill his word. Mans like him don't just accept being rejected, you felt so small.... Almost guilty. Tears started to fall down desperately and sobs got out of your mouth. You didn't know how much time you passed in the bath but saw some clothes in the bed you were sleeping when you got out. A grey sweatshirt and some boys shorts. Jensen. 

 "Hey..." You said with a small voice standing by the door of the room Jensen was sleeping, seeing him sitting by the end of the bed scrolling through his phone. "Thanks for the clothes."

 "Comfort sweatshirt right?" He joked seeing you in his clothes, referring to when you stole it on set and he passed days looking for it until he found you sleeping in his coat and listen to the excuse that it was your 'comfort sweatshirt', that it made you happy and safe. "Hey... com' here" 

 Jensen said with a soft voice when he saw your face struggling to hold back the tears. He back out laying in the left side of the bed opening his arms for you to join him, and you immediately did. Nestling in his chest, he hugged you strong hearing you cry quietly into his neck. 

 "You know... This is not even the worst that happen to me." You said when you calmed down after some minutes of cuddling in silence and Jensen moved his face away just enough to stare at you, but stayed quiet waiting for you to get out of your chest whatever you needed. "These situations had been happening with me, well with all women, since before we even know what this means. Teachers, taxi driver's, superiors, random people in public places, friends... I just... Tell myself that the next time something like that happen I will stood up for it. But every time it happens I just loose all my courage." 

 "And this it's not on you (y/n). This is unacceptable, shouldn't be happening at all and it's not your fault not having a response for it. This shouldn't be a situation you must be prepared for." Jensen said frowning his eyebrows looking at you deadly serious. "I'm so sorry you have to go through that bullshit almost daily. It fucking pisses me off."

 "Yeah I'm sorry too." You said with a weak smile feeling him stroking his thumb slowly in your back where his hand stood. "Do you think he can fire me?"

"No." Jensen said with certain. "He has nothing to do with Supernatural productions. And even if he could, I wouldn't let them. If he wants you gone, i would be gone too." 

"Jensen..." You were speechless. "Us women really suffer daily, but it makes a little better knowing that there are at least some guys out there that truly respect us. I am lucky to have fell in a job full of you. I really appreciate what you did for me today Jensen." 

 "I'm always gonna be here for you (Y/N)... And it's truly that least I can do." Jensen said with a rough voice. "There was this time on set, before you were even in the series, that Jared's PA was harassed by a camera man... Nobody saw the moment and from one day to another she asked for resignation. Nobody understood and we continued to treat the guy like a friend for months until we finally discovered what happened. I just.... I'm just glad that I was there with you tonight." 

 You just gave him a small smile feeling your heart so full that could explode. It was an awful night, it really was. But Jensen... He was everything you could ever ask in a friend. You hugged him strong and got into a position where your foreheads were touching. Yours and Jensen's eyes were closed but you could feel his breathing and the warm of his lips almost touching yours. You didn't know how long you stayed in that position but you surely didn't want that to end. 

 "I could be like this every single day." You said before you even could stop yourself and frowned when the realization hit you. "Wait did I just confessed?"

 He squeezed your waist to make you open your eyes that stood close because of the embarrassment, and you had to hold your breath when saw Jensen's green eyes, so vivid, looking so close at your tenderly. 

 "Yeah? Cause I would too" Jensen breathed out feeling a weight off his chest. What that really happening? The women he had feeling for months now, in front of him telling she liked him? He saw in your eyes the relief you felt cause of his confession and slowly finally gave you a long chaste kiss.

 You both knew that this was enough for now. The cuddling, the comfort of each other and the lightness of knowing the feeling were both sided was enough. There was going to have the moment for your skin meet his and there was going to have the moment for a serious conversation about your feelings.

 But for now all that matters was being in each other arms, and sensing that the night that started like a nightmare turned into a dream.

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