#but basically she's in this dilemma of let yourself become The Worst(and go back to your organization post game)

[ineed-to-sleep]

ENDING SPOILERS FOR BG3 AHEAD

Hate that I found this scene kinda hot

[blipblooopp]

Let It Be Me

Summary: Choi San is many things. The most talented man you have ever seen. Be it on the dance floor or in front of a mic during a gig. He was the kindest person, always holding the door for the people behind him, helping the elderly carry things, even paying for strangers randomly. He got along famously with your parents and even better with your grandparents. He was charming like that, capturing the attention of anyone and everyone who even looked his way. He’s the love of your life, you’re sure of it but he’s also your best friend. Pairing: Boy Band AU!Choi San x F!Reader Words: 5.6k Genre: Angst/Smut

You’ve heard of a thing called platonic soulmates but it’s taken you years and years of watching Choi San grow to realize you weren’t. Well, you hoped you weren’t. Everything about him made your body erupt into a fire.

San looked at everything with adoration, finding all the good in life, including you. It was a double-edged sword, really. It made you feel special… important. But you could barely concentrate when his eyes were on you.

It didn’t help that he was gifted in pretty much everything; it made you nervous beyond belief. He’s pretty much perfect and as much as you wanted to be with him, you knew the odds of him liking you back were slim to none.

You’ve come to terms with it for the most part. It hurt to see him flirt with girls in front of you, hurt even worse when he started dating this awful girl named Areum. She didn’t give a fuck about him, actually. She barely responded to his calls and texts, going as far as blocking him one time. They fought nonstop. Every time you two hung out, San had a new dilemma to talk about. For some reason, San wouldn’t break up with her.

You had asked him after a night of you two getting drunk together, after another night of listening to his relationship problems. He laughed dryly, taking another sip of his beer, “I love her so much.”

Apparently, it was his “slow-motion” moment. He and his band had been wrapping up the night with their last song, soaking up every second they could have. Halfway through the song, San had noticed Areum in the front row. You were there too so you noticed the look on his face. A look you had never seen him make before. It basically tore your heart out when he told you that he couldn’t get “that beautiful girl” out of his head. She ended up becoming a dedicated face in the crowd so San asked her out.

You would’ve thought they were soulmates from the way they looked in the beginning. Lord only knows how they got to this point. How you got to this point, with San crying in your lap.

It was 10:00 pm when someone started banging on your door. You were enjoying a cup of coffee but you almost had a heart attack at that moment. You opened the door with shaking hands, hoping that whatever killer was on the side wasn’t actually a killer. Instead, you saw your best friend, with swollen red eyes, sniffling.

“Oh my god, San! You scared— what’s wrong?” You immediately dragged him in, locking the door behind you. He sniffled again as he slumped into your couch. You took a seat next to him and took his hand in yours. “Was it another fight?” You knew it wasn’t. In all the fights you had heard, San never cried.

“She was cheating on me… this whole time.” He hiccuped as he talked.

“That bitch.” You said under your breath. You held onto his hand a little tighter, trying to contain your anger.

“I went to her house tonight because she wasn’t responding to me again. I wanted to talk it out with her but she opened her front door in her underwear with some motherfucker sitting on her couch!” Although you had many words to say with Areum, you were speechless in front of San. What were you supposed to say? All you could do was scoot back on the couch and guide San's head onto a pillow in your lap.

“It’s gonna be okay.” You ran your fingers through his hair, “You can cry for as long as you want.”

And cry he did.

____

The next morning was hard. You woke up on your couch sitting up-right with a terrible case of stiff-neck. That’s not the only reason it was hard. No, it was worse seeing San still laying on your lap. He was wide-awake, dark eye bags contrasting against his face. His eyes stared deep into the ceiling.

“What’re you thinking about, Sannie?” You started to run your fingers through his hair again and watched as his eyes fluttered shut, his body instantly relaxing.

His eyes opened again, “Why didn’t she love me?” You couldn’t respond, not that he let you. “I knew we weren’t perfect, knew she wasn’t perfect… but we always made it through the end of the day. I can’t believe she would do this to me.”

“It’s her loss.” You finally said. “You don’t need her anyway. It was her decision to cheat and you had nothing to do with it.”

San didn’t say anything after that, just continued to stare at your ceiling.

___

The first few weeks were the hardest for sure. San had spent most of them at your place, barely leaving even for band practice. When he did practice with the guys he would leave early, only strumming a few chords on his guitar before deciding that it reminded him too much of Areum.

“He’s been really out of it.” Yunho, the bassist commented one time. San hadn’t even played that day. He just sat in the corner for an hour. You stayed behind for a few minutes and told San to wait in the car. You wanted to catch up with the other band members.

“Can you blame him? That bitch was… well, a bitch.” Wooyoung shot back, setting his drum sticks down.

“How has he been holding up?” Hongjoong asked.

You scoffed, “Have you seen the man? I don’t even think San’s there anymore! God, if I see her, it’s on sight!”

You did your best to help him through those weeks. You had been through a few hard breakups in the past so you understood that the early stages were the worst. You even used up all of your sick time to stay home with him. You had never seen him this gloomy. At one point, he went through five pints of ice cream in three days.

____

It took three months for San to be even remotely okay. He started going to practice more and this time, he actually played. You couldn't say you were surprised. San loved playing with the band and you knew it was probably the only thing that would bring him out of his funk.

"You look good, man!" Hongjoong slapped his hand on San's back playfully and for the first time in months, San had his usual dimpled smile.

"I feel good." He replied, setting down his guitar and taking a seat next to you on the beat-up couch. "It's thanks to you, y/n"

Your eyes widened. "Me?"

He nodded. "You stayed up with me, didn't go to work, even made me breakfast when you knew I didn't have the energy to get off your couch."

You couldn't lie; your heart was racing. All you could do was stare back into his eyes with a goofy smile painted on your face. San put his hand on your thigh, skinship being normal between you two, especially within these past months.

Your friendship remained just that, a friendship, for the next month. You were okay with this, though. At least you had a small sliver of hope now that he was single. That tiny bit of hope that he'd love you back was able to tide you over.

Until one night.

San had come over for your weekly movie nights, an event you had been doing since high school but stopped doing because his ex got jealous easily. You tried calming your nerves as you sat next to each other, his arm wrapped around you.

You were so close you could smell his cologne. It was intoxicating. Maybe it was the fact that he was newly single now, filling up your thoughts even more recently, but his entire presence was overwhelming tonight.

“You alright, beautiful?” Since San was single now, his usual playful flirty side was coming out again. Just like everything else about him, you had a love-hate relationship with it. It doesn't mean anything. You had to remind yourself. He talked like this with everyone, especially when he wanted to get a rise out of his bandmates.

You gulped when you looked up at him. How could a man have this effect on you? You would think that after years of unrequited love, you'd be able to at least contain yourself. “Yeah.”

San gave you a dimpled smile, shifting his gaze to a piece of your hair, moving it behind your ear. Your mouth parts, probably to say something but you can't be too sure right now. If someone walked in, they would think you guys are about to kiss. Maybe you are... you want to kiss him.

With your heart pounding in your ears, you slowly lean forward, keeping your eyes on his lips. They look too good not to look at but you're also scared of seeing the look in his eyes, the potential disgust that might be taking over at the thought of your lips touching his.

Everything is moving in slow motion. From your hand caressing his cheek to the moment your lips make contact. He's stiff against you and you can only imagine that it's because he's uncomfortable. You start to pull away, dreading the awkward conversation you're about to have but San is quick. His hand grips your thigh and he's kissing you back with fervor.

Your head is spinning, Is this really happening? These sparks you're feeling all over your body, does he feel the same way? You push away any thoughts you're having, trying to focus on keeping up with San. You needed to enjoy this moment. Without realizing it, you swing your leg and straddle San's lap. He groans underneath you but before you can question it, he's giving you a reassuring squeeze on your waist.

You don't want to take the initiative of going further, but man, your hands are burning to touch his bare skin. Your hands, instead, rest on his shoulders, gripping and releasing every few seconds. As if he was reading your mind, San's hands move to the hem of your shirt and for the first time, you break the kiss.

The second your shirt passes your head, San's moving to kiss your neck, occasionally sucking to leave hickies that are sure to last a whole week. You're breathless, taking this as a sign to take off San's shirt. Your hands are all over each other, San's going from your cheek to unbuttoning your jeans, your fingers feeling his abs contract under your touch.

It feels like a flash. San suddenly laying you down on your bed, both of your clothes littered behind you on the floor, his lips still on your neck. It's only when he's about to insert himself does he stop and look at you with dark eyes. He doesn't give you enough time to question it, pushing himself inside you. You both gasp at the feeling.

"Fuck, you're so tight!" He grips your hip with one hand, the other holding the headboard like his life depends on it. He feels like he'll burst any second.

You're right there with him though, the mere feelings of this moment making you sensitive. "You're just big. Holy shit!"

It takes him a second, taking a moment to give both of you a moment to adjust before he moves inside you. You can't contain the sounds coming out of you as he hits all the right spots with ease. You couldn't have pegged San to have this big of a dick, yet here he was.

Before you can realize it, your hands are finding purchase on his back and your nails are sinking into his skin. He hisses above you but his thrusts get harsher and the moaning in your ear doesn't get any quieter.

"You feel so good... so warm and tight for me." He's practically whimpering into your neck. You try to keep your cool, trying not to cum so fast but he's hitting that spot inside you with ease.

Your nails dig into him deeper, "S-san," You stutter out. "Close... so close."

"I know... but you gotta wait for me. Can you do that?" His thrusts get faster and deeper, you don't even comprehend his words properly.

"Can you do that for me, pretty girl? Be a good girl for me?" He's using both hands to clench onto the headboard now, the force making it harder to not cum. You just nod and wrap your legs around his waist. San is drilling into you with so much force and he's hoping that the bed isn't going to break. After a few more thrusts, he starts to get sloppy, and your vision's crossing.

"Alright, beautiful. Cum for me." He grunts out, trying not to cum at the feeling of you clenching around him. You finally let the waves of pleasure course through you, seeing stars. If you were lucid, you most definitely would have been embarrassed by the noises coming out of your mouth and your pussy.

With a loud sigh, San pulls out of you and releases onto your stomach. Almost immediately, he’s up and cleaning you, you’re body’s too tired to do anything but lay there. You’re surprised, because instead of leaving, San lays next to you, even going as far as pulling you close to him.

You have so much on your mind but you're too tired now.

____

This goes on for weeks. Sometimes you would hang out. Sometimes do other things. Everything happened so fast. The friendship that you held so dear had become a muddled mess of lust and confusion. You obviously still had feelings for San but you had no idea where he stood.

You'd never even talked about the first time you guys had sex. When you woke up he was gone and when you saw each other again, he acted like nothing had happened. You didn't want to be that clingy girl who expected a relationship so you never brought it up. Now you're in this endless cycle of sleeping with each other and never addressing the elephant in the room.

What didn't help was how San was acting differently. He was much more touchy with you, always having to touch you in some way whenever you were together. His hand on your thigh, holding your hand, arm around your shoulder, he did it all. Before the incident, you would have considered him touchy but that's nothing compared to him now.

Your hangouts started to become more elaborate as well. You guys were actually going out to movies instead of watching Netflix at your house. Small coffee shop hangouts started becoming intimate dinners. It was like you guys were dating. These dates gave you hope that he would eventually open up and ask you out properly but you didn't want to force it out of him. So, you just decided to go with whatever he wanted.

"Let's go ice-skating." The handsome man suggested his left-hand steering and his right hand on your thigh.

"You know I can't ice-skate." You deadpan, getting distracted by your fingers playing with his.

He glances at you with a honey-sweet smile before bringing his eyes back to the road. "I can teach you, ya know."

"Please, you just want to see me fall so you can laugh at me."

"That too."

San taught you how to ice-skate for maybe ten minutes. After that, he decided that it would be best to let you learn through trial and error.

"San, I'm literally gonna fall on my face!" You cried, your legs shaking as you attempted to walk on the ice.

"You're doing great. Just try skating to me." He held out his hand for you. Every time you got even remotely close to him, however, he would slowly start backing up. You were struggling around the rink but he made sure to sprinkle in encouragements so you wouldn't be too mad at him.

Just when you thought you were doing good, you got too cocky and propelled yourself towards San, wanting so desperately to close that gap. Your feet weren't pointed straight enough causing your left skate to hit your right, tripping you onto the ice.

"Holy shit, y/n! Are you alright?" San appears in front of you with seconds. Helping you up with ease. Your knees ache and you could feel the bruise forming on your hip.

“Did you not see me eat shit?” You bark out, now gripping his arm for dead life.

“I did but it’s always polite to ask.” You slap his arm playfully as he guides you off the ice and onto the benches. “Are you actually okay?”

You shook your head and pouted like a child. San chuckled to himself, seeing right through you. Instead of saying anything, he pecked your lips innocently and took a seat next to you. It was the first time he’s kissed you in public which only confused you further. Is he doing this on purpose? You really had to ask him.

You’re too lost in your thoughts to see San staring at you. It’s not until he’s moving a piece of hair out of your face that you’re snapped out of your thoughts. You jolt slightly and hum at him in response. He just shakes his head and returns his gaze to the people skating.

It was your turn to stare at him, to memorize his features for the nth time. He’s just as beautiful as he was two seconds ago and the butterflies are still strong. You open your mouth to question him about your relationship, finally building up the courage just when…—

“San? Is that you?” You freeze. Her, you think. That manipulative bitch.

“Areum?” San stands as if he’s been caught doing something bad like a child. She offers him a warm smile, completely disregarding you as always. You feel like you did during the concert. His eyes are no longer on you… but trained on her. You feel that distance he created on the ice growing bigger and bigger.

“What’re you doing here?” The man asks, still shocked to see her.

“Ah, I was just walking around.” The nerve of this girl to act like she didn’t do anything wrong. “What’re you doing here?” Her eyes land on you but she quickly looks back at him.

You stand this time. “We’re…” Don’t say it. Don’t be petty. Don’t say it. Don’t say it. “On a date.” You entwine your arm with San’s.

Areum’s lip twitches in annoyance. “Oh?” She quirks a brow and glances at San. “Is this true?”

San freaks out without thinking and shakes his arm from yours. “No!— I mean like a friendly date, sure. We’re just hanging out like old times.”

There’s your answer.

His ex smiles with victory at your defeated state. “Well, we should catch up, San. I know we ended things on a bad note but I think we should talk.”

The car ride home was awfully silent. Usually, they were filled with laughter and off-key singing but tonight, you gave San short answers in his poor attempt to talk. When you entered your apartment, you told him you were going to bed early and that he should lock up when he leaves.

Instead, you feel his warm body climb into your bed and hold you at 12 am. As always, you didn’t tell him to leave. Because, as always, you couldn’t say no to Choi San.

____

You wake up and San's not next to you but there is a text.

San : Sorry I didn't want to wake you but I left to go to practice. It'll probably end late today so if you feel up to it, come hang out. :)

Should you? Maybe it's just better if you pretend like nothing happened. Obviously, that's what he's doing. Besides, it’s not like his bandmates gave you false hope just to reject you in front of their ex. You end up going to the practice, a huge lump in your throat. If you brought up the situation, you're sure that whatever you guys had would be over the second you said anything.

Jongho, the lead singer, greets you with a smile and a nod in your direction as he warms up.

"y/n!" Wooyoung calls out, getting off of his drum stool and engulfing you in a hug.

You giggle on command, loving his enthusiasm. “Wooyoung, why do you always act like we haven’t seen each other for years!”

He smiles and whispers, “Don’t tell the guys I told you, but you’re like… our muse!”

You roll your eyes and pull away from his chest just to look at him, “I think you’re the only one crazy enough to even consider that.”

Wooyoung lets you go completely and returns to his drum set, you follow suit. “Maybe but you’ve been our number one supporter since day one! Plus you’re beautiful and beauty inspires art, does it not?”

Laughter erupts from you again at his cheesiness and your feel an arm wrap around your shoulder. You didn’t have to look to know who it was, the signature cologne giving him away.

“What’s so funny?” San’s smiling but you can tell there’s something different in his tone.

“Just exposing how important y/n is to the band.” Wooyoung sends you a playful wink, your cheeks burning slightly. San forces a laugh, something you don’t notice, before sitting you down on the couch.

After practice was over, you waited outside of the room for San so you could go back to your place. That wasn't the original plan but San insisted. The chilly air made you wrap your arms around yourself, internally scolding yourself over not bringing a jacket.

Wooyoung was the first to come out, fishing his lighter out of his pocket. He wasn't the only cigarette smoker in the group but he was definitely the one that smoked the most. He grinned at the sight of you, resting his hand in his pocket instead.

"Why're you waiting out here? It's cold as hell."

"Yeah... But I didn't want to get in your guys' way." You rubbed your hands up and down your arms trying to create heat. Wooyoung took off his jacket and wrapped it around you without hesitation. "A true gentleman." You remarked.

He put his hand on his chest, his face contorting to look hurt. "I've always been a gentleman. Even when I'm freezing my ass off."

Your eyes widened, ready to give the jacket back. "Woah there, missy. I gave it to you for a reason. We don't want our muse to die of hypothermia." The joke makes you laugh lightly. "You waiting on San?"

You nod, staring at the ground and rocking back and forth on the balls of your feet. “It’s been a lot of waiting recently.” You accidentally confess.

“Uh oh.” He leans against the wall. "I noticed something was different."

"What do you mean?" You hear your heartbeat through your ears and you find it hard to breathe all of a sudden.

"You guys are a lot closer... You guys are best friends, sure, but the air's been different between you two. He still doesn't notice how you look at him."

You scoff, "That obvious, huh?"

"To everyone but him, it seems. Can I be honest?" Wooyoung rolls to face you. You nod, now looking at him. "Unless you tell him how you feel, you'll be doing nothing but waiting on him."

"But our friendship-"

"If you're about to tell me that it's enough for you, so help me God, y/n, I will kick your ass." You laugh for the first time since the conversation started. You understand what you have to do. You guys have already crossed so many boundaries and clearly, he feels something for you, right?

The door to the practice room swings open and this time it's Yeosang and San. San's bright smile seems to falter as his eyes instantly land on the jacket that's wrapped around you. His eyes shift between you and the drummer then he strides to you, grabbing your wrist.

"Let's go?" You don't have time to answer. San's practically ripping the jacket off of you and throwing it at Wooyoung who barely catches it. This time, you don't miss the change in his tone. He replaces Wooyoung's jacket with his hoodie, not saying a word as he puts it on you.

Just like the night before, the tension in the car is thick but unlike last night, it's you who's trying to spark a conversation. San's knuckles are turning white as he drives and it's starting to worry you. You've never seen San this upset before and you're still trying to place the reasoning. Was it jealousy?

You pull up to the house, expecting him to follow you like he always does but he doesn't. Instead, he leaves the engine running and his eyes on the street. For some reason, this sets you off. This man had the audacity to pull away from you, act like you were just a friend in front of the ex that cheated on him, but gets jealous over you casually talking to another guy?

You scoff and unbuckle your seatbelt, stepped out of the car, and slammed the door shut. San was feeling extra temperamental tonight. He couldn't understand why he felt like this either. Maybe he was looking for a fight. He turned off the engine and followed you inside. Before you could close and lock the door, he stepped into your house.

"What is your problem?" You asked venomously.

"What is your problem?"

"I didn't have any problem until you decided to get all confusing!" You dropped your tote bag on the floor, turning to face him fully.

"I'm confusing? Are kidding me?" He huffs out, running a hand through his hair in frustration.

"Actually, I'm not. You've been driving me nuts since we started hooking up. I'm over it!" His lip twitches into a sarcastic smile. "What the fuck was that with your ex? You completely pushed me aside. She treated you like shit, remember? She cheated, she lied, and she manipulated you. Do you want to get back to-"

"You're not my girlfriend, y/n!" He cut you off. "God, it's like you don't know your place." Tears pricked your eyes but you felt more angry than sad. Angry, you've never felt this way with San before. You're experiencing a lot of firsts tonight. San immediately realizes what he said, how hurt you were. He took a step closer to you but you put up your hands, putting up your boundaries for the first time.

"No, you're right. It's not like you hold my hand wherever we go or put your hands on my waist in public. You don't smile at me sweetly during dates. We're not completely vulnerable with each other, telling each other things we'd never breathe to others. It's not like we fuck almost every day! Do friends do what we do? Please, enlighten me. What's my place?"

"I'm sorry, y/n. I shouldn't have-" You're full-on bawling now, sucking in breaths where you can.

"I can't believe I've loved you for so long. I've torn my heart out for you and you just... you just throw it back at me like it's nothing!" His mouth opens but nothing comes out, instead he wraps his arms around you. You react once you feel him, trying to fight him off but he's stronger, trying to calm you down by hugging you.

You're screaming, all the feelings you've held inside bursting out of you, "Why can't you let me in?" You start to pound on your chest even though you know you shouldn't. You don't even notice that he's crying too. "Why can't it be me for once? Let it be me!"

"I'm sorry," He coos. You couldn't hold yourself up anymore, your feelings making it hard to focus. San catches you though, guiding you to sit on the floor.

San does his best to understand what you're saying through your sobs. He wants to understand what he's feeling. He thought he was doing this to get over Areum but why was he doing all the other things? He could've just stuck to the bare minimum but he didn't. Better question, how had he not noticed your feelings?

San was so caught in his thoughts that he hadn't noticed you had cried yourself to sleep. He was holding your head to his chest and he sighed, finally relaxing a bit. He couldn't really relax though, his mind still processing what you had said. He carried you bridal style to your room and thanking God that you had exhausted yourself.

San tucked you in and, after some hard debating, decided to lay in bed with you. He made sure that he wasn't touching you even though he knew he was going to leave before you woke up. He sighed to himself.

Even as you slept you were beautiful and he beat himself up for only now noticing how exhausted you looked. The man never understood why he was so willing and ready to sleep with you. He could acknowledge that there was steaming sexual tension but he never thought it would get this far. Nevertheless, you guys were in this situation; the very foggy area between friends and more.

Is this how you felt, absolutely terrified? You guys certainly couldn't go back to being friends after everything that's happened between you two. San's body started to shake as he silently cried. He couldn't even comprehend how much pain he's put you through these last few months.

____

You're not surprised to find your bed empty the next day; you wouldn't be surprised if San had sent you a message ending your friendship and promptly blocking you. You stare at your ceiling with tears already prickling your eyes. You weren't going to check your phone for texts. You just went to work.

The day went by fast, your boss giving you plenty of work to distract yourself. You were doing just fine until you pulled up to your apartment to find Wooyoung waiting to knock on your door.

"Wooyoung?" The man turned around, almost like a deer in headlights.

"Oh- Hey!" He quickly put his hands in his jean pockets. You walked to your door silently, unlocking the front door and inviting him in.

“What can I help you with?” You try to be casual even though all you’re thinking about is San and how you know Wooyoung’s here to soothe whatever problem you guys are having.

“I’m gonna cut to the chase. Talk to San. It’s only been a day of you two fighting and all of us are tired of him sulking.”

“What are you even talking about?”

“He came into practice looking all down and he didn’t talk to any of us. He just went through practice barely saying ten words throughout the whole thing.”

"How do you know this has something to do with me?"

“… Do I look blind to you? Everyone knows something’s going on between you two.” Wooyoung sighs and runs his hands through his hair. “Look, I don’t know what happened but I’m sure it was probably his fault. I’m not saying you should forgive him right away but just talk to him. Please?”

——

So now, here you are, outside his door. You took in a deep breath before knocking hard on his door. You couldn’t muster the courage to ask if he was home but there was no practice so you hoped for the best.

The door unlocked within a few minutes. “y/n?”

“H-Hi,” You stuttered out, feeling the weight on your shoulders get heavier. “Can I come in?”

San gestures you inside and you take a seat on his couch. There’s an awkward silence when he joins you and you can’t recall any other time it’s been like this. It was so easy to talk to San before but now you can’t even form a sentence.

“So—“

“What’d—“

You said at the same time.

“You first.” San breathed.

“I just figured we had a lot to talk about.”

"Right..." He brushed off his legs with a sigh.

"I like you, San- actually, I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you for so long and we slept together and it got messy. We've never talked about what we were after that night. You just made me a rebound and I turned the other way..."

His eyes burnt into your face and you were too scared to meet them. "I'm sorry. I never meant to put you in that kind of situation. I shouldn't have been so selfish. I didn't think about the way you were feeling."

San's warm hand grabs yours. "I'm so sorry that it's taken me so long to see how you feel about me. I'm so sorry I said that you didn't know where your place was. Your place..." He takes a big deep breath, making you look at him, "Your place is right next to me. I lost you for one day and in that one day, I've realized what you really mean to me. I'm in love with you, y/n."

He places his hand on your cheek, wiping away a tear you didn't even notice. You're falling apart at his touch but you were so happy that he felt the same way and- Oh my god! Choi San was in love with you!

"You just said you were in love with me." You breathed, a smile breaking out on your lips.

"I did, didn't I?" He chuckles, closing the distance between your faces. Your breath hitches. "Are you going to give me a chance to love you for real this time?"

Your heart is going to burst and you don't really give it much thought.

"Yes."

[myriadimagines]

Chips and Orange Soda (part ii)

Brooklyn Nine-Nine One Shot

Pairing: Reader x Jake Peralta

Other Characters: Amy Santiago

Warnings: theft, threats of violence

Summary: When a series of bodegas are robbed, Holt assigns Jake and Rosa on the case. You, a cashier, become a suspect, but Jake has a gut feeling that you’re not a suspect at all. In fact, he thinks you’re the key to solving the case.

Part One: Chips and Orange Soda

Word Count: 2,319

A/N: the second part to my submission for @locke-writes​​‘ writing challenge!! admittedly it gets kind of into an ethical dilemma that i didnt mean to go into and that’s unnecessarily deep but you’ll see what i mean ajskdhas but anyway disclaimer again!! not in law enforcement!!! this is not accurate when it comes to crimes!!! i really hope the reveal/ending isn’t too disappointing and that u guys still enjoyed the story!!! it does get a little more serious in this part but i still hope it’s in character/tone with the show!!

reblog/feedback/comments are very much appreciated!!!

Jake is careful to open up the door of the bodega, which is all bordered up with tape as the shattered glass has yet to be replaced. The inside looks better at least, no longer sectioned off with police tape, and business seems to be going on as usual, with customers in between the aisles and some at the counter. Jake resists the urge to grab a snack for himself, and he glances around the room, frowning as he realises there’s no sight of you.

Jake finally approaches a young man manning the cash register. “Hey man, is y/n in?”

He shakes his head. “Sorry dude, they don’t work Tuesdays.”

Jake smacks the side of his head, remembering how you mentioned it to him. He moves to exit the store when he notices the live security footage playing on the screen behind the counter. Pointing it out, Jake says, “Hey, looks like you got your cameras working again.” 

The man looks over his shoulder, before turning back to Jake with furrowed eyebrows. “What?”

Jake frowns slightly, his hand falling to his side. “y/n told me that your cameras were down last week.” 

The man remains confused, staring at Jake as if he’s speaking another language. Slowly, he finally responds, “Nah, they’ve been working fine. I don’t know what y/n’s talking about.” 

Something inside of Jake’s stomach twists, and he frowns. Despite how hard he’s been trying to defend you, he can’t help but admit to himself that you’re not making it easy. He digs through his pockets, pulling out an old receipt, and he grins to himself as he flips it over and finds your number on the other side. Pulling out his phone, he cringes slightly at his 6% battery level, and he hopes he has enough to make a call.

Dialling in your number, he raises the phone to his ear. It rings a few times before someone finally picks up the phone. Taking in a deep breath, Jake says, “y/n? It’s Jake, the detective from last week. We… we need to talk.” 

—

Jake paces around the briefing room, shaking his head as he tries to piece everything together. After coming back to the precinct following his failed attempt to find you at the bodega, Jake had filled up a corkboard with pictures and other small pieces of evidence he and Rosa were able to gather, although it was looking rather sparse. Your lie about the security cameras definitely presents as an obstacle, but he tries not to think the worst of it. He hasn’t told Rosa yet, who had gone out to meet with the forensics team again, fearing what her reaction would be towards you. Maybe you were mistaken, maybe the robbers managed to figure out a way to wipe the footage. But something about the situation doesn’t sit right with Jake, and he lets out a defeated sigh. 

“Hey, Jake,” Amy peeks her head inside, knocking at the door, and Jake looks up. She gestures back to the bullpen as she continues, “You’ve got someone here to see you. Sounds like they’ve got some information on the bodega robberies.” 

Jake perks up, rushing past Amy out of the room. His eyes widen as he sees you linger by his desk, nervously glancing around the room. He nods as a thank you to Amy before making his way over to you, and he greets, “Hey, y/n, thanks for coming in. How have you been doing?”

You meet Jake’s gaze, and you can’t help but soften at his tone. He seems to genuinely care, and you can’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of guilt. Nodding, you reassure him, “I’m okay. I’m… I’m glad you reached out, actually. There are some things that I need to tell you about. Can we go for a walk?” 

Jake hesitates. He knows that he should probably bring you to the interrogation room instead, but he finds himself nodding. He grabs his leather jacket hanging on the back of his chair, and he nods towards the elevator as he remarks, “Sure. Let’s go.”

—

You and Jake make your way through the streets of Brooklyn, finding yourself at a nearby local park. You can’t help but smile at the sight of children running around, squealing at one another as they chase each other in some sort of game, but you can’t ignore the pit in your stomach, the gnawing guilt that has plagued you ever since your first interaction with Jake.

You finally happen upon an empty bench in a quiet corner of the park and you silently take a seat. Jake sits beside you, and your breath begins to tremble. Jake patiently waits for you, eyes wide with concern as he finds himself shifting closer to you, subconsciously wanting to comfort you despite not knowing what’s to come. 

“I… I haven’t told you everything that I know about the bodega.” you finally confess, and Jake takes in a deep breath. He nods slowly, silently urging you to continue, and you look up to meet his gaze as you continue, “I know who did it. And the other robberies, too.”

Jake stares at you, and you can tell it’s clearly a lot of information to take in. He presses his lips together, trying to process all this, before he quietly asks, “You’re trying to protect someone, aren’t you?” 

Your expression crumples, and your shoulders slump as you bury your face in your hands. You swore to yourself you wouldn’t cry, but as the overwhelming reality of the situation begins to sink in, you’re suddenly finding it hard to breathe. Jake’s expression falls, and despite knowing that the two of you are practically strangers, he wraps an arm around you, gently rubbing his hand up and down your arm as he tries to soothe you. 

“It feels like I’ve been trying to protect him all my life, but I- I feel like I can’t, anymore.” you manage to say through sobs, and Jake frowns, eyebrows furrowing in concern. Gulping, you finally reveal, “My brother.”

Jake sucks in a sharp breath. He’s all too familiar himself with broken homes, with strained familial relationships. You’re almost afraid to look at him, but Jake’s expression is one of understanding, of sympathy. He gently reassures you, “Take all the time you need, alright?” 

You nod, trying to compose yourself the best you can. You fold your hands into your lap, perhaps a poor attempt at stopping them from shaking, and you manage to hold your tears back long enough for you to begin explaining, “It was always just me and my brother, you know? My single mom had to raise us, but we barely saw her because she was always working. But my brother and I always had each other’s backs, and I thought it would be that way forever.”

You’re distracted as a pair of kids dart past you, and Jake notices the bittersweet smile that appears on your face as you watch them. Quietly, he prompts, “When did you feel like things started to go wrong?” 

“I mean, my brother was always a rowdy kid, always getting into trouble, but it just kept getting worse and worse. I’d try to bail him out, but there was only so much I could do.” you continue. “As we got older, I started seeing him less and less. He’d show up whenever he needed help, but that was it. Until he showed up the night before the bodega robbery.”

“He came to see you?” Jake’s eyes widen in alarm, and you nod. You can feel a pit forming in the bottom of your stomach as you think back to that night, and you uneasily run your hands through your hair. 

“I didn’t know he had robbed those other bodegas. But he came around asking for me to let him and his friend in, basically. Asked me for the key. I told him no, that I could just lend him money, and he… he got angry.” your voice shakes slightly as you stare off at some point in the distance. “We’ve had our fights, obviously, but this was different. I was almost scared of him.”

You screw your eyes shut as you remember seeing the smashed in front door, the fear swallowing you whole as you worried what might happen next. Jake doesn’t try to prompt you further, knowing how difficult this must be for you, and he lets out a soft sigh as he wishes that you didn’t have to go through such a thing.

“I don’t want him to go to jail. I just want him to be okay.” you can feel your words getting caught in your throat as you struggle to continue speaking. “But he doesn’t even feel like my brother anymore. That night was just… I- I don’t know what to do anymore.”

“What about the cameras?” Jake quietly asks.

“That was me.” you sigh, nervously wringing your hands together. “I couldn’t sleep that night, so eventually, I… I just got up and went to see if he had really done it. Part of me still had hope that maybe he didn’t. When I saw the door broken in it just… crushed me. I almost feel like he did it on purpose, to scare me. But I still wanted to protect him, so I… I went in to delete the security footage, and rushed out before anyone could see me.”

Jake leans back onto the bench. This is it, he realises. With your revelations, it seems as though the case is solved. But seeing the heartbreak on your face doesn’t make the solved case as satisfying as it usually is.

“I just feel like I’ve failed him.” your shoulders slump, your voice barely audible. “He’s my family I have, and I just… I just wish it didn’t have to be like this.” 

“Hey, you didn’t fail him, y/n,” Jake gently insists, and to your surprise, he reaches out to take your hand, giving it a squeeze. “You’ve been an awesome sibling, better than he deserves, really. But he chose to do this, and that’s not on you.” 

You nod, trying your best to believe him, and from the earnest expression on Jake’s face, you feel like you could. You manage to muster up a smile, and Jake smiles back at you. Nodding back in the direction of the precinct, Jake tells you, “I do need you to need you to come back to the precinct to make a statement. But you’ve really helped us, y/n, and you did the right thing.” 

A part of you has doubts, but you try your best to take comfort in Jake’s words. Jake gets to his feet, and you stand up with him, and Jake offers you a small smile that reassures you that everything will be okay. 

—

You bump the cash machine closed with your elbow as you count out some change. Sliding it over to the customer alongside their bag of snacks, you politely smile at them before they step aside to leave. You wave the next customer in line forward, only to realise it’s Jake standing before you, and your eyes widen as he offers you a sheepish grin. He steps up to the counter, placing down a bag of chips and a bottle of orange soda, and you exchange a knowing smile as you lean forward, “Hey, Jake. Did… did everything go alright?”

“We got him and his buddy.” Jake confirms, and you let out a breath you didn’t realise you were holding. “They tried to give us the slip, but I chased after them.”

You narrow your eyes slightly, and Jake quickly corrects himself, “Okay, Rosa chased after them, but that doesn’t matter.”  

You laugh, and Jake snorts with you before continuing, “There’ll be a trial, obviously. I’ll give you more updates when I hear them.”

You nod, before sliding Jake’s stuff back to him. You don’t even bother ringing his purchase up as you tell him, “It’s on the house.” 

“What? No.” Jake hurriedly searches through his pockets for some change. “You don’t have to do that.”

“It’s the least I can do.” you insist. Jake offers you some cash, but you shake your head. “Seriously, Jake, thank you, for everything.” 

You reach out, closing Jake’s hand, and your gaze lingers on one another as your hand remains on his. He smiles, and Jake feels like his heart might beat out of his chest as you smile back at him. Before he can stop himself, he blurts, “Do you want to get dinner with me sometime?”

You blink at him in surprise, and Jake winces as he worries he might’ve blown it. Stammering, he continues, “It’s, uh, my way of saying thank you. For helping us solve the case. And for the snacks.” 

Jake watches as a smile spreads across your face, and you chew on your lip as if trying to contain your happiness. “Is this a date?”

Jake grins at you. “It can be.” 

“Just tell me when and where.” you nod excitedly, and Jake beams at you. “I’d love to go out with you, Jake.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Jake claps his hands together. He scoops up his snacks, backing away as he continues, “Hey, I’ve got to run back to the precinct, but I’ll text you, okay?”

“Got it.” you nod, grinning from ear to ear. You can’t help but chuckle as you watch Jake clumsily try to open the door, but he stops himself. 

“Oh! By the way,” Jake spins around on his heel. “Do you guys sell batteries?” 

“Um,” you glance over your shoulder at the inventory behind you. “We’ve got some. What kind do you need?”

“It’s for a clock.” Jake sighs, and you raise an eyebrow at his reaction. “It’s… a long story.”

tag list: @myfriendmagislit / @thedamagedcne / @real-fbi / @writinqss / @thisismysecrethappyplace / @natalia-helena-alianova-romanov / @dontjudgemepeepswrites / @hauntedpocdreamer / @locke-writes / @lgbtonystarks / @fangirlsarah16 / @kittensanddarkclouds / @randomfandomimagine / @ofthedewthesunlight / @bravelittlesunflower / @gothicwidowsworld​ / @halfofwhatisayismeaningless / @amirahiddleston / @interwebseriesfan24​

[chefdoeuvre]

Personal Growth

Kelly Severide

Pairing: Kelly Severide x Fem!Reader

Description: This is what we call personal growth.

Words: 1,012

Requested: yes by anonymous; Can you write a Kelly X reader in which she is afraid of fire due to past experience and she is taking really hard to date someone with a job that scares her

Warnings: mention of fires (self explanatory), fluff as per usual, angst (if you blink you'll miss it).

A/N: Kelly Severide, that's it. This is basically just my poetic ramblings. I apologize in advance for any grammatical errors.

—

After losing some of your family in a fire it was safe to say you were borderline terrified of fires. Scratch that, you were and still are terrified of fires. Dating someone who's day to day job was going into fires scared the life out of you. Yet here you were, dating Kelly Severide, Squad lieutenant and basically a token reckless firefighter. Yeah, you didn't see that coming since the moment it happened. Of course, he makes you unbelievably happy, like all the giddiness and butterflies you could have ever imagined. Granted Kelly didn't know of your dilemma, which is why you're currently at a crossroads with him wanting you to finally meet his coworkers and family. It's not that you don't want to, it's that if you cement yourself into his life that'll give you all the more heartache if something were to ever happen to him while doing his firefighter duties.

They were far from commitment issues, it's just that with a job like his you don't want to put yourself through that type of loss again. Not after all the heartache, you suffered through the first and what you hoped to be the last time. So here you were, sitting on Kelly's couch with the Blackhawks playing on the television in the background while you overthought anything and everything about this relationship. Kelly was in his kitchen grabbing the two of you something to drink when he came back and saw the faraway look in your eyes. Placing the two drinks down on the table he took a seat beside you.

"Y/N? You all right?" Kelly questioned softly.

Snapping your head at the sudden voice of your boyfriend you looked at him, "huh? Yeah, I'm fine." You dismissed his worry.

"You sure? You were just staring off into space a second ago." Kelly tilted his head in concern.

You leaned back into the couch with a sigh. Leaning your head back you closed your eyes and thought over how you were supposed to tell him. You can't just say 'oh, hey. I suffered some trauma when I was young and now I'm terrified that I'm gonna lose you the same exact way.' if you did you're sure he'd go running for the hills.

"Y/N, what's wrong?" Kelly furrowed his brows, placing a warm hand on your cheek eliciting you to open your eyes and look at him.

Taking in a deep breath you decided to just come out and say it, what's the worst that could happen? Actually, disregard that last statement it could go horribly wrong. Throughout your entire explanation outlining your thoughts and fears, Kelly listened intently. His attention was solely on you and trying to figure out what was troubling you. By the end of your so-called rant, you were out of breath.

"So are you gonna say anything?" You asked scared of what his reply would be.

His cobalt eyes softened as he took in your fearful expression. The hand still cupping your jaw began caressing your cheek softly.

“You know, you could’ve told me. I’m not going to laugh at your feelings.” Kelly spoke softly, shaking his head, “your fears are not irrelevant either.”

To say the least you were slightly taken aback by how kind he was being. In reality, you shouldn’t be surprised, this was Kelly, the guy who’d spent the last few years of his life becoming a better person before eventually meeting you and stealing your heart.

“So you’re not gonna break up with me?” You leaned into his hand.

“Why would I, you know how long it took me to get over myself and finally ask you out on a date?” Kelly chuckled at the distant memory that felt like it happened yesterday.

You let out a giggle at the picture in your mind of the suave Kelly you know as a blubbering, awkward mess trying to formulate a plan to ask you out.

“There’s that pretty smile.” Kelly grinned widely as you smiled bashfully. You felt your cheeks heat up at the insinuation.

“Next time you’re worried just talk to me. I’m not just here for arm candy you know.” Kelly teased with a smirk.

“Way to ruin the moment, Romeo.” You shoved him playfully with a laugh. He held the place on his chest where you shoved him in mock hurt.

“Hey, if it gets you to laugh I’m all for it.” Kelly shrugged while you looked at him with a flat look.

“Fine, fine. Just know you can talk to me. I’ll try my best to keep you posted and reassured, even if it means having to make fun of myself.” Kelly feigned a pout and held his hands up in play surrender.

“You’re unbelievable.” You rolled your eyes before leaning forward into his chest with a laugh.

“Anything for you.” Kelly smiled before placing a kiss on the top of your head.

“I’d hope so, after that heartfelt speech and all.” You scoffed playfully and he pulled you onto his lap before wrapping his arms around your waist tightly. You let out a yelp at the sudden movement before relaxing into his arms.

“I’m not going anywhere and if I have anything to do with it you’re not leaving this apartment tonight.” Kelly squeezed your hips with a loving smile.

“So Blackhawks and beer all night?” You asked with a raised brow and a wide grin.

“Of course, how else would I keep you entertained for so long?” Kelly joked as you dropped your head onto his shoulder with a laugh.

The two of you remained in each other’s grasp the whole night, playfully teasing and watching the game being played on the television. It was safe to say you and Kelly were head over heels for each other given the fact the two of you would burst out into random bouts of laughter throughout the entirety of the night. Yes, you were still scared but now with Kelly’s reassurance and knowledge about your feelings, it made you feel a bit better.

[thevoidable]

Why did Dabi let Hawks into the League? (major manga spoilers ahead)

This is a question that’s been plaguing my head ever since Dabi proudly announced to Hawks that he’d known all along that he was lying.

If that was the case, what was the point of bringing him in? Surely Dabi must have seen this coming by enabling Hawks to continue his infiltration? What exactly was Dabi’s end-goal here???

It’s unclear whether or not if this will get explained eventually, but after giving it a lot of thought, I think I have a pretty good answer to the question regardless. Essay under the cut.

What is Dabi fighting for?

First, we have to address Dabi’s motivations. They run deeper than just making Stain’s will a reality - he’s taking steps that Stain never even considered to make, because even he was blinded by something that Dabi despises more than anything: hero idolization. Stain saw All Might as a true hero, someone worthy of the title, but in Dabi’s eyes, All Might is one of the biggest contributing factors to why there is such a huge problem with the hero system, and aside from All Might allowing other heroes to become complacent, it’s all because of Endeavour.

Hawks and Dabi are two sides of the same coin when it comes to the new no. 1; Hawks grew up seeing Endeavour’s ambition to surpass All Might as impressive and heroic, mostly due to the fact that Hawks himself lacks the drive to become so great, because all he wants is to live life comfortably. But for Dabi, Endeavour’s need to surpass All Might was nothing but a blinded greed for power, the need to be the best of the best for his own selfish desires rather than to actually save people. It was a path that led him to horrifically abuse his own family in order to achieve it, because he saw Quirk breeding as the only way to fix his own flaws. As such, Dabi, AKA Toya, suffered greatly at the hands of it. He knows firsthand just how much the hero system is unjust, allowing for people with unhealthy mindsets like Endeavour to gain positions of power. He knows that people admire Endeavour for his heroism, but are unaware of the monster that lurks behind closed doors, even when his temper comes out during public patrols. This is a man who is the very definition of a false hero, a man who let his eldest son die and traumatized his entire family.

Dabi goes on to claim in chapter 267 that there are no true heroes - this, however, does not mean that true heroes cannot exist. All he means is that there are simply no heroes currently present and he plans to change that, because in the system that society has right now, it’s near-impossible. Hero idolization forces heroes to become perfect images that people can admire, and it also enforces the mindset that only the greatest heroes can come from schools like UA and Shiketsu. This results in a flood of people longing to become heroes for reasons other than saving people. Uraraka, for example, while she is gentle and kind-hearted, is still only becoming a hero so she can support her family. It’s a well-paying job, and that kind of promise will most certainly lure anyone in who is desperate enough. Yes, she has good intentions in mind, and she does want to save people, but saving people is not her ultimate goal. So, by Dabi’s definition, she is not a true hero.

Becoming a hero should also not be as easy as it is, and becoming a hero certainly should not start at such a young age. UA and the other hero schools are putting teenagers between the ages of 15 - 19 at severe risk, and we’ve seen worst-case scenario results of this twice over the course of the series, and it’s terrifying to think that there are most likely more that we haven’t heard of.

First you have Shirakumo who died before he had even graduated, an incident that led him to becoming a nomu working for the League, who would then go on to cause the second result.

By placing children in such a dangerous training course, it automatically places targets on their backs for villains before they even get their licenses. The League proved just how incapable the staff are at protecting their students by not only successfully attacking a location within the school, but also kidnapping one of said students later on, even after UA’s attempt at keeping the location of the training camp hidden and Dabi himself had revealed their basic plan to Aizawa.

This is all fuel for Dabi’s fire in his journey to rip hero society apart at the seams, and while he is absolutely planning to kill every false hero he comes across, he also has a secondary plan in mind, and that is for the students.

In One’s Justice 2, Dabi has this particular voice line to Hawks: “We’re working for the glorious future where those UA kids are hollowed, and brought down to earth. We’ll have to see what you’re working for.”

Dabi knows that while they are all still young, there is still time to prevent them from falling into every hero’s brainwashed mindset: villains bad, heroes good, no matter what either of them do. 

Something extremely important that the MVA and the current war arcs do is flip the black and white narratives on their heads, showing us just how human and empathetic the villains can be, while the heroes are doing nothing but making unheroic choices and opting for making the violent move first. We’ve seen all of the heroes do nothing but dehumanize Shigaraki, calling him “it” and “thing” like he’s just some monster that they have to kill. We’ve had to watch Hawks murder Twice in the name of “justice” simply because Twice refused to come quietly and be forced back into a life he felt miserable in. Even X-less chose to focus on the machinery next to him rather than getting a near-dead Shigaraki medical attention, and we all know how karma decided to treat that.

And this is where I would like to bring your attention to Tokoyami.

We’ve seen multiple times before how Dabi seems to have no interest in actually harming the students - initially, anyway. He leaves Aoyama alone even though he saw him; he taunts Shoto but doesn’t attack him to get him away; and lastly, Tokoyami first showing up to rescue Hawks actually calms Dabi down. Dabi shows no intent of hurting them because they’re still just kids, not heroes.

Calling back to how the heroes are currently being depicted as the ones making all the disturbing decisions, Dabi doesn’t hesitate to be the first to call out their decision to bring the students into what is essentially a covert-ops assassination mission that has turned into an all-out war. He first recognises that the boy in front of him is just that: a boy, and instead of attacking, Dabi gives Tokoyami a chance.

But what chance, exactly? To escape? Absolutely not.

The first thing Dabi does is make Tokoyami aware of the crime his so-called mentor just committed, and carefully wording it so that the stakes were made clear.

Twice was trying to run away to protect his friends.

But Hawks still killed him.

Dabi is giving Tokoyami a chance to recognise that the hero system he admires hides many skeletons in its closet, and is something that is severely corrupt. He’s giving Tokoyami a chance to rethink his working relationship with Hawks and everything Hawks has taught him.

But Tokoyami doesn’t take it.

As soon as Hawks speaks up again, Tokoyami returns to being obedient, ignoring everything Dabi just said and focusing only on the task at hand regardless of the moral dilemma presented before him, and that’s when Dabi’s intention for Tokoyami changes, because as Dabi put it, “You’ve stopped thinking for yourself.”

And indeed, Tokoyami has. Tokoyami is now cemented in the brainwashed mindset, blindly putting his faith in that Hawks’s decision to kill Twice was right, simply because Twice is the villain and Hawks is the hero, and Dabi realises this.

Tokoyami is now a false hero, and thus on Dabi’s kill list.

So, we have established that Dabi fully intends to wipe-out existing false heroes, while simultaneously trying to save those who have the chance to recover/escape from the brainwashing before it’s too late.

“Keigo Takami!!”

It’s no secret that Dabi clearly knows exactly what kind of situation Hawks is in. The fact that he knows Hawks’s real name alone tells Hawks that Dabi knows far more than he is comfortable with. So, seeing as Dabi was able to see through Hawks’s lies so easily, let’s assume that Dabi knows most, if not all, of what we the readers know about Hawks and how the HPSC groomed him.

Considering that Dabi came from the no. 1 hero’s household, there’s a high chance that he knows quite a bit about the HPSC and just how shady they actually are, especially if the theories are true that they had a hand in covering up his own death. Dabi is well-aware then that the HPSC is responsible for the hero system being so broken, and the reason they do nothing to fix it is so they can stay in power. They are not afraid to make questionable decisions which they know is only making the villain situation worse, because villains are what’s keeping them in business. And what’s sad about this is that even when the decisions they present are clearly morally wrong, the heroes are in no position to argue, because the HPSC is in complete control of their jobs. The HPSC governs the hero system, so whatever they do must be just, right?

Well, Dabi definitely knows the answer to that.

The HPSC deliberately manipulated the heroes to believe that the UA students were needed on the front lines for this mission, and so far, we’ve seen that they really weren’t, actually. The evac team remains the best place for the students to be, because while the pros with all the combat experience can focus on the villains, the heroes-in-training can focus on the smaller task of getting people to safety. Sure, Kaminari, Tokoyami, and the other front-liners helped, but the pros absolutely overwhelmed the PLF on their own. All the front-liners did was just kind of...pave the way, make things easier, and then they were sent back to rejoin their classmates. And the heroes didn’t question the decision at all.

What’s even more disturbing is that the students weren’t even aware of what they were getting into, and most of the pros weren’t aware that the students weren’t aware.

But, as mentioned before, Dabi doesn’t hesitate to call this out.

It’s highly likely that he’s able to connect that the HPSC were the ones who organised this attack and sent the kids out onto the battlefield, which also means that he’s unfortunately no stranger to the HPSC reducing talented children to nothing but weapons, a concept he is also personally familiar with.

Toya was bred with the intent of creating a Quirk superior to Endeavour’s, and then put under extremely harmful training that abused both his mind and his body. We already know that Dabi is heavily against valuing a person’s Quirk over their individual worth, thanks to his fight with Geten.

And in the world of heroics, this unhealthy mindset is unfortunately in abundance, especially in Hawks’s case.

What makes Hawks an especially tragic character is that he started out with the same longing to be a great hero that every child has. He wanted to be a comforting sight to those in need, and his innocent mind thought that the HPSC would help him make that reality.

Instead, the HPSC presented him with a life-changing decision that a child his age has absolutely zero mental capacity to consent to, and it’s heartbreaking that Hawks’s grooming began right from the second they met. The HPSC forced a child into intensive training at an age even younger than students training at proper hero schools, and they ever-so-gradually began chipping away at Keigo’s hopeful dream, starting with the erasure of his own name, the first step in disconnecting him from who he once was.

Over the years of the hero Hawks growing up under the HPSC’s wing, he had been stripped of his childhood and moulded into the perfect image of a hero, one that is loveable to the public, obedient to his handlers, talented in his work, and completely self-sacrificing to his missions.

The HPSC has successfully groomed Hawks so that his selflessness is now their trump card that they hold over him - instead of using his selflessness to save others no matter who they are, he’s been manipulated to believe that he has to give up everything in his life to be a great hero, that he’s not suited for being a “shining light”, thus bringing about his new goal of creating a world where heroes have free time, a goal that he is unfortunately pursuing in the wrong way. He’s been brainwashed to not think about villains too much, to not sympathize with them and dig into where they came from and why they became villains, which is why he’s targeting the wrong problem when it comes to making his dream a reality. He believes that he has to solve every case as fast as possible, and eventually there will be virtually no more villains left to hunt down, but the League has already shown us that the roots of villainy stretch much further down than that.

We catch a glimpse of how Hawks even acknowledges that he’s being held down by hero society, caged, and yet he does nothing to change it.

The result of his grooming has left him stuck in a thoughtless state, where it’s easier to believe that everything he is doing is right, and the villains are wrong.

And this is unfortunately something that he has spread to Tokoyami, as evidenced earlier.

Hawks is a hero who was groomed and manipulated from a young age, being thrown into training just so he could become a tool for those in power to use.

Sounds awfully familiar, doesn’t it?

Dabi can read Hawks like a book

It’s wonderfully ironic how Hawks prides himself in being capable of fooling anyone and everyone, making himself the hardest person in the room to read while simultaneously being able to read everyone else, and yet the one person that he couldn’t predict ends up being the only one who knows him better than anyone else.

Throughout all of their interactions, Dabi has always been two steps ahead of Hawks, able to catch him off-guard and ruffle his feathers. Keeping in mind that Dabi had known all along that Hawks was faking his desire to join the League, it’s interesting just how long Dabi kept stringing him along. Was he simply doing it for his own enjoyment?

Maybe a small part of him was, but in the long run, Dabi was absolutely still testing Hawks’s worthiness. What makes this great, however, is that Hawks was unaware that Dabi wasn’t testing him for what he originally thought.

Loyalty was absolutely out of the question for Dabi, since he knew from the start Hawks wasn’t planning on being as such. So, what exactly was Dabi looking for?

Looking through the tests that we know Dabi put Hawks through (the battle with Hood, and taking out a hero of Hawks’s choice), we can analyse what Dabi was impressed with, and what he wasn’t.

First off, there’s not a lot that Dabi didn’t like about what Hawks did. The most he complained about was Hawks simply bringing along Endeavour to the Hood fight instead of someone else.

It appears that he also complains about Hawks not letting anyone die, but Dabi is always quick to point out when heroes are prioritising lives, and this will become important later.

Then, we have Dabi asking Hawks to take someone out who isn’t the no. 1. When Hawks brought him Jeanist’s body, Dabi was genuinely surprised, but pleasantly-so. 

Now, Jeanist’s death here serves multiple narrative purposes:

It shows us that Hawks won’t hesitate to kill for a mission (RIP Twice),

It shows Dabi that Hawks is capable of killing anyone, not just villains,

And lastly, it serves as blackmail for Dabi in his pursuit of bringing down false heroes.

(There’s also Bakugo’s whole thing with his hero name, but this isn’t about him.)

That last point is what granted Hawks access into the League, contrary to Hawks believing that the only reason he got in is because the merging of the League and the MLA suddenly made it easy to do so. 

Dabi wasn’t going to let Hawks in without making sure he had a backup in mind in case Hawks tripped up.

But, blackmail wasn’t the only thing that Dabi was looking for. If anything, it was just a bonus.

What the Hood battle and Jeanist’s death showed to Dabi were the two sides that Hawks possessed: a bird of prey that isn’t afraid to kill for a cause, and the innocent child who just wanted to help people. Dabi was searching for both of those qualities within Hawks, because they’re both qualities that Dabi himself has.

Dabi relates to Hawks

As previously mentioned, there’s no doubt that Dabi is aware of how Hawks was trained and forced into a life he didn’t want. He’s very aware of how much Hawks longs for freedom but still wants to help those in need, but what separates them from each other is that Dabi has achieved the freedom that Hawks wants and is pursuing his dream in a way that works.

Dabi kills for his cause, but that cause is ultimately to prevent the future suffering of innocent lives at the hands of false heroes. In his own twisted way, he too wants to save lives. He wants to stop the possibility of another him from being created. He is choosing to be the unfriendly reminder that something is very wrong with the current system, and it needs fixing ASAP.

And that is exactly why Dabi can see through Hawks’s lies, because he recognises that Hawks too is a victim of the same system.

Dabi’s plan for Hawks

With Hawks presenting himself in front of Dabi, it offered up a multitude of opportunities for him. Dabi not only had a new connection to Endeavour through Hawks, but here was a hero who was prepared to get his hands extremely dirty just for a way to bring down the League. 

Dabi’s prior knowledge of Hawks and his past allowed him to constantly have the upper hand, but not in case Hawks attacked.

Through testing Hawks to see what qualities he possessed, Dabi was able to see if Hawks was worthy not for joining the League, but for undoing the brainwashing he’d been subjected to.

Dabi let Hawks into the League because he was giving him a chance, the same chance he gave to Tokoyami, to see hero society for what it really was and decide to do something about it. Dabi saw the potential in Hawks to be a true hero, to return to the boy he once was and save people for the sake of saving them. He saw Hawks’s potential to kill false heroes and that he wasn’t afraid to do it, and the idea of someone thinking the same way as Dabi, of understanding him and his goals wholly, would have absolutely been enticing to him.

Dabi claims to not care about the League, but even if that were true, Dabi recognises that the other League members are important to each other, especially when it comes to Twice and how eager he is to make friends. Dabi introducing Hawks to the League was his chance to show Hawks that they’re all human, and gain sympathy for them and what they stand for. It would have been the ultimate power move on Dabi’s part for Hawks to turn on the heroes and go villain, undoing what hero society did to him, providing him the freedom he always wanted and ultimately proving Dabi and his ideals right.

But, unfortunately, that wasn’t how things went.

How Dabi’s plan backfired

When Hawks first joined the PLF, it was obvious that Dabi was sticking close to him, both to keep an eye on him and to be genuinely friendly and accepting.

It’s rare to see a smile like this on Dabi when he’s around heroes, and he never smiles around the League, but for Hawks specifically, Dabi is always smiling. I think it’s safe to say that Dabi did genuinely enjoy Hawks’s company and that he was the only one Dabi actually liked, which is probably what led to him being comfortable with leaving Hawks to his own devices for the next few months, especially when he started a budding friendship with Twice.

Dabi must have been confident that Twice would be the one to break through the last of Hawks’s walls, because if we were seeing genuine smiles from Hawks, then Dabi must have seen them too.

However, it’s clear that Dabi severely underestimated Hawks’s capability to kill anyone. 

Hawks leaked the information to the heroes, an attack was launched, and Dabi immediately knew why.

And he was, understandably, incredibly pissed.

Upon confronting Hawks and hearing how he was about to kill Twice, Dabi used what he’d learned about Hawks during the Hood fight to his advantage and triggered Hawks’s rescue response, prompting him to subconsciously save Twice from Dabi’s flames, because Dabi knows deep down that a hero is who Hawks really is. What he was most likely hoping was for Hawks to maintain that response, but he instead made a mistake and directly caused Hawks to go back into mission-mode.

And it’s just a downward spiral from there, with all of Dabi’s last-ditch efforts falling flat. In one last desperate attempt to reach through to Hawks, he called out his name. His real name.

Dabi’s final chance to bring Hawks to his senses was to try and reconnect him with his past self of whom the HPSC had carefully erased, and it almost worked. Dabi let Hawks know that he knew everything about him, everything that he once was, but just like with Tokoyami, Dabi learnt the hard way that Hawks was beyond saving.

With Twice’s death, Dabi completely lost it, scolded Hawks for not focusing on him, and dropped one last bomb on Hawks before ending yet another false hero.

Until, yet again, that too backfired due to Dabi’s hope that he could save an innocent mind from the hero system’s brainwashing, and Hawks escaped with his life.

We get a glimpse of Dabi’s defeated expression, the knowledge that he can’t cry, and that he just lost two friends within the span of just a few minutes.

What next?

Honestly, if there’s one thing that is going to break Hawks, it’s knowing the truth about Endeavour. My hope is that Dabi is going to have a chance to make his reveal public to the entire nation, and exposing Enji Todoroki for the abuser he is will really shake things up.

At the moment, it’s still not clear exactly what Dabi told Hawks in his redacted bubble, but it was obviously something relating to his identity. Only time will tell what Hawks knows once he regains consciousness.

[reliciron]

Eternal Empire After Effects

In addition to that post I made a while back about how your characters deal with either the boost in Force sensitivity or the brand new sensitivity for your smugglers/troopers/agents/bounty hunters. I want to talk about the general fucked up-ness that the Commander has to deal with post-KotET.

Like DAMN. Bare minimum, they’ve had to deal with carbonite poisoning, the general mind games of Valkorian, and then they had their mind literally broken in the last chapter. At worst, they get all that, plus taking a lightsaber to the gut. To say nothing of having to fight an impossible war for a little over a year straight with everyone’s hopes and dreams riding around on their shoulders.

A lot of the posts I’ve seen about other people’s ocs has some form of lingering effects from everything. And I just want to talk about it for a minute, cause I live for filling in the scenes we don’t see. [Take this with a grain of salt, as I’ve never played a dark side character, so my perspective will be skewed.]

Long term physical effects:

They were poisoned slowly over the course of 5 years, you can’t tell me that one little dart thing can fix that, at least not right away. This could take the form of lingering nausea, migraines, dizziness. The symptoms of heavy metal poisoning would fit well here. And I hc my consular as having some permanent nerve pain from it.

The stab on Asylum is absolute bullshit in the game. Valkorian or no, there’s no way they’d be walking out. I think I posted a pic I took before, but the stab is easily close enough for the heat transfer to damage the spine. Bone cracks and warps with heat, so you can see the problem there. The wound is almost dead on for where the stomach sits and the lungs, liver, kidney, and intestines are all in range to get badly burnt (yeah I know, alien anatomy might be different, but we’re assuming its mostly the same).

We’ve seen what a lightsaber can do to a blast door in The Phantom Menace, take that and apply it to a person, and Arcann held that blade there a loooong time.

Yes, Valkorian saves them, but I think of it more as he kept them from dying, and not, he completely stopped the blade from cooking them from the inside out. So the three days Lana mentioned are horseshit. The Gravestone’s tiny ass med-bay is absolutely not equipped to handle an injury like this.

I always figured a better way was Valkorian kept them alive long enough for Lana to threaten her way onto an appropriate station and made the doctors fix them. Even so, getting what amounts to several organ transplants, implants to bypass possible spinal chord damage, replacement ribs and vertebra, and a whole lot of skin and muscle grafts will leave your Commander pretty messed up, even with magical Star Wars tech and Force magic. And their allotted recovery time seems to be the length of the base’s construction on Odessen, so there’s no way in hell they’re really done healing by the time they have to go back out into battle.

Specific injuries aside, a year is a long time to fight more or less constantly. At least during the base game you sort of had rests between chapters. They’re gonna rack up an impressive list of injuries, alongside wear and tear like their knees and feet having trouble from the constant running and jumping. And their elbows and shoulders will break down from hours upon hours of absorbing the recoil of a gun or the constant flurry and clash of a lightsaber.

Long term mental effects:

As ugly as the physical stuff is, the mental effects are just as bad. Depending on what class they are, having the goddamn Sith Emperor riding shotgun in their head will fuck them up big time.

Classes who faced off with him more-or-less directly, like the Knight, Consular, and Warrior, are going to have the worst time of it because they KNOW what this sort of thing leads to. The warrior has seen the dead eyed puppet on Voss and knows that could be them soon. The consular had to deal with the emperors children and the First Son. They’ve seen a prominent and powerful Jedi master absolutely crumple under the power of the emperor and he wasn’t even IN there. And Knights have already experienced the emperor’s control first hand.

Not to say the others won’t have trouble with it, it’s just that the reasons will be a little less direct. The smuggler and bounty hunter are used to being their own people, not tied down to anything or accountable to anyone, and now there’s the threat that everything they have will be taken from them and there’s no amount of sneaking or shooting that will save them. Troopers built up their command from basically nothing and now they’re Republic heroes, but Valkorian now threatens the lives of everyone they’ve sworn to protect. The agent is easy, they’ve suffered mind control before, they’ve been slaves in their own body, and they’re terrified of it happening again. And inquisitors were literal slaves who clawed their way to the top, and they’d sooner die than be a slave again.

So just having that asshole there means constant stress for the whole of KotFE and KotET. Insomnia must be a given. How do you know you’ll wake up as YOU? That Valkorian won’t hollow you out in your sleep and walk around in your skin the next day? And for the Knight, Agent, and Inquisitor, I’d think panic attacks are probably a thing, even if they don’t let anyone see it.

The stab will definitely cause some trauma. Pretty sure any wound that gruesome would. And if they didn’t have nightmares before, they sure do now and I’m willing to bet that they might shy away from lightsabers for a while, which leaves an interesting dilemma considering they’re in a war with Force-users, and some of them are Force-users themselves.

Fighting a guerrilla war with an absurdly powerful adversary has to be incredibly taxing, especially for classes who’ve never had to command anything. Smugglers and Bounty Hunters are very screwed here, assuming they care about running the Alliance well. And the burden of saving the galaxy is a heavy one. I can definitely see classes who have saved the galaxy multiple times to be getting increasing bitter about always having to be the one to clean up the messes. Why are THEY the ones who always have to suffer? Why isn’t there ever a hero to save THEM when they need it?!

Agents get their own little special bit here with the bullshit that is Vaylin’s conditioning. They know exactly the kind of misery she’s going through, the powerlessness that one single phrase or word causes. I can understand that the writers couldn’t figure out or bother with a whole separate scene of the agent refusing to use the conditioning, cause then they’d have to figure out how to not have Vaylin murder them on the spot. But goddamn we could’ve at least seen them struggle with it! Maybe an extra few lines of them pleading with Vaylin because they desperately don’t want to use her control phrase. Ugh, at least behind the scenes an agent can have a break down about how they’ve become exactly like the intelligence officers who’d decided that they were too much of a liability to go without a leash they could pull. And now they’ve pulled an identical leash on Vaylin.

And then we have their mind being broken. That could be a post in and of itself. Valkorian came within a hair’s breadth of destroying them entirely, and they were so broken that they didn’t even know their own name. And in the space of 10 or so minutes, they scrape themselves together and fight a god. It’s very impressive (and I’ve got my own issues with that fight) but I don’t think you can pull yourself together that fast after being that messed up without some lingering issues.

Chronic insomnia and night terrors, full blown PTSD, panic disorders, severe anxiety; something THAT traumatic will absolutely leave marks.

And after that? They just keep going. Yeah, things calm down, but they’re still at the head of a very powerful faction now (if not ruling Zakuul), there’s no going back after this. And they’ve got a massive restoration project ahead of them as tensions continue to simmer between the Republic and Empire. The more dutiful characters must be near the end of their rope. There’s no rest, just the next fire to put out, and they continue to run themselves into the ground. And the more flighty characters are now forever shackled by the Alliance. There’s no flying off into the sunset for them. No more anonymity as a bounty hunter or smuggler. Their old life is over, whether the wanted it or not. And how can they really relax when there’s this many people looking at them for direction. They’ve become just like those asshole military leaders who they used to mock.

And for just about all of my characters, they hide it. No one can know that they’re falling apart at the seams. Either it’s about personal pride and acting unphased cause they’re just THAT good, or because they’re trying to be the leader the Alliance deserves and don’t want to disappoint or frighten them by showing just how badly they’re coping. Either way there will be a breaking point.

And even after it all comes out in the open, and they (hopefully) get the help they need. It’s never completely over. Chronic pain and fatigue, depression and anxiety, persistent insomnia; these things don’t just disappear, they’re an ongoing struggle that helps color their future actions.

I just… I really like considering things like this because it hits close to home. Seeing them struggle with some of the things I deal with makes them feel more like people. Cause god knows the writers aren’t gonna put this kind of stuff in there.

[yaboylevi]

What do you think about "escaping from the forest" topic? Nicolo said they will try to get out of it but how? What do you think Isayama's point of it?

It is one of the deepest messages of the series for me. And alongside Eren’s “we are born free”, I feel like it’s something Isayama agrees with.

Eren’s motto is empowering and deep, and that’s exactly why I would feel disappointed if Eren had taken this mantra and made it all about killing others on an absolutely horrifying scale just so that a minority could benefit from it, basically denying other people’s right to be free. It would cheapen this beautiful message.

As for the forest theme, I feel it is both a critique of society and of the individuals that participate in its cruelest aspects. Both the way their (and ours?) society is structured, and the lack of morality from adults, have caused children to be used, and abused for centuries, dragged into an endless war they weren’t and shouldn’t be part of. After all, society is created by humans so only they can change it, and only they are responsible for society’s cruelty (as well as its beauty). It is something Isayama started to explore since the early stages of the story:

(But for the system to change, someone has to make it change. That's why Nicolo's words sound a bit naive. A small number of people trying to get out of the forest won't make the forest less threatening or dangerous. It's either a big number of people who make it change or someone with great influence/power. Looking at where the story is going, it could be either achieved by Eren, being the bringer of change. Or by great numbers of people realizing that they need to change their society. Or maybe both, because the way a large number of people can understand this, is if they are forced to, and what's better than a global crisis brought about by someone who wants to change the system?)

In this sense, the forest is the dark nature of life, of people. You can lose yourself in there, especially if you are pushed inside by others. Gabi is the clearest example, but it’s a concept that can be applied to all the other characters we have seen grow up. Mr. Braus talks about it in relation to Sasha (and Gabi, and Nicolo), but we can apply it to Eren, Bertolt, Zeke, Connie, Mikasa, etc.

What Sasha’s dad says is that humanity needs to stop the senseless cycle of hate and revenge and violence. The individual has to make a conscious choice, because it’s easier to go along with society and its cruelty than refuse it. This was exactly Annie’s dilemma, and as Annie said, paraphrasing, for the normal person it is easier to follow the current, rather than going against it. It takes effort, and courage, and a certain type of discipline.

Mr. Braus could have lost to his pain and taken revenge on Gabi, like Nicolo wanted to do. But he is a responsible adult. He is a parent. He was strong in his refusal to repeat the cycle, a cycle that took away from him his daughter. 

I have said in the past that Mr. Braus would’ve spared Sasha’s killer even if Gabi was an adult. I feel it would’ve been more difficult to spare them if they were an adult - though it would've been heartwrenching if Gabi was a young adult because she possibly would've reminded Mr. Braus of Sasha and that's one of the reasons why I think he would've spared her anyway even if she wasn't a kid. But the main point is that punishing children for having a messed up mentality created by a cruel system built by adults (who are probably lost in the forest as well!) is always, undeniably wrong. Kids have to be protected. Adults need to take responsibility. Adults also need to fight their way out of the forest and guide the children lost in there. That is why Mr. Braus ultimately also saved Nicolo, by sparing Gabi. He saved Sasha, in a way, and spared her memory from being dirtied by blood, for being an excuse for the cycle to be repeated.

The forest is war, and cruelty, and lack of empathy, and losing to your demons, to violence, to revenge. In Mr. Braus's words, it's "kill or be killed". The forest is outside oneself, but also inside. Everyone has the ability to do "evil", and everyone should try their hardest to stay clear from that path, to listen to one’s conscience and do the best they can, always. Especially in the most trying times. What Isayama is saying, imo, is that it is also something natural within everyone. Especially when in pain, people commit wrongdoings because they are weak, because they are tired, because it's part of them, of everyone. They "lose" because they have been beaten up and conditioned by life - that's the reason why I feel like Isayama is not judging negatively the characters, while a "right choice" still exists.

Annie, in this sense, has lost. She’s tired. She can’t get out of the forest because she was in there for too long, since too young. Nicolo also has been wandering in the forest. He admits that even he has a demon inside, just like everyone else, and it’s his duty to stop himself from listening to that demon, which is his dark thoughts, the worst sides of his psyche.

If Nicolo’s and Gabi’s story has taught us anything so far is that both adults and kids can successfully “get out of the forest”, and find themselves again. But they need help, they need kindness and forgiveness. They don’t need to be punished (because life has already been beaten on them hard enough, and the moment they “realize” that what they’ve been doing was wrong, the guilt is enough to be considered a punishment). This is applicable to these special cases under these special circumstances and in a fictional story where we know for sure what the characters feel and think and have gone through, but of course I believe that war criminals or murderers, etc. in general should receive a punishment.

What Isayama is trying to say with this, I think, is that all humans have the capability of being mean, horrible, to surrender to their instincts, to let society and their environment win over them. But, at the same time, they have also the capability of stopping themselves from following those instincts, they have the ability to fight back and become better people: adults - like Nicolo, like Levi, like Zeke - aren’t excluded. They can’t be, because otherwise, the new generation will again fall trap to the same cycle if adults won’t stop it in the first place. The characters we have been following since day one are in the middle of two generations: they have been kids forcefully thrown into this fight and now they are starting to have to take responsibility for their future and for other kids.

This being said, let me go on to a final, different tangent. What the “forest” metaphor means…is clear. But it is not clear what Isayama is trying to say if he lets the protagonist go too deep into the forest, a place that poisoned Eren, it seems, to the point that he’s repeating the same cycle (involving kids in a war that’s not theirs). There is (almost) nothing wrong until this point from a thematical point of view, but…there is something really off-putting if this is it, when it comes to the themes particular to Eren, and even this main forest theme. If this is the case with Eren and there is no redemption, no other plan, no other reason, even if all the other characters manage to “get out” by the end of the story, it won’t feel satisfying to me.

Because Eren was a kid forced into the forest, forced to go deeper and deeper. For me, it makes no sense for him to be irredeemable. To be punished with no redemption, with no recognition of his struggles. He is one of the kids victim of this system. If he is lost, he needs to be guided out by peers or adults or even his own conscience. If that doesn't happen, there is nothing "cruel and yet beautiful" in this. It would be just cruel.

[azuresquirrel]

rhiorhino

replied to your

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Someone remind me to later put down some random...

Oh? I’m super interested to hear your thoughts!

oh god I love to say that I’m going to talk about a thing and then forget about it and then be unable to come up with anything coherent

BIGASS SPOILERS FOR BOTH THE ENDING OF THE GOOD PLACE AND BOJACK HORSEMAN INCOMING and also this got so fucking long so I’m throwing it under a cut anyway

I’m going to try to put things as simply as possible (ETA: oh my god, I didn’t) - I thought the very last episode of The Good Place was a lovely and fitting send off for each of the individual main characters we’ve gotten attached to, but in terms of setting up big philosophical truths regarding morality large parts of season four really let me down.

(wow you expect a network TV sitcom to give you Big Truths, Shannon? Well when you put it IN THE PREMISE, KIND OF? and no I’m not expecting TGP to answer the question of life’s meaning, if we were capable of answering that question for good I think we would’ve managed it at some earlier point in history than an NBC sitcom, I’m just saying you put that out there)

I’ve been seeing a sentiment floating around that TGP had a great season 1 and 2 and then seasons 3 and 4 were lesser. I don’t agree on season 3, I found that on par, but season 4 verged on some issues I had with the last season of Parks and Recreation where characters were suddenly given absurdly over-the-top happy endings and what little conflicts there were were contrived and solved without much effort.

Basically I’m deeply unsatisifed with their treatment of the Actual Good Place, and if they were going to go there and fix it it had to take more than ONE EPISODE. 

Also this is ENTIRELY a “me” problem but I don’t think the sentiment that “life only has meaning because it ends” is a profound, radical statement (honestly I’ve heard people say it so often it might as well have the depth of a “Live, Laugh, Love” poster). For that to be the answer of how to “fix” the Actual Good Place left me cold and underwhelmed. Everything the show said thematically up to that point was that the reason people want to be good and owe it to themselves and each other to be good is COMMUNITY and CONNECTIONS. I thought the focus should’ve been on THAT versus immediate instant gratification of all of ones hedonistic desires, but what do I know.

Also I found the sheer terror at the prospect of the nothingness beyond death as shown in “The View From Halfway Down”, the penultimate episode of BoJack, to be a much more honest and resonant reaction. To me the whole “oh life only means something because it ends” is just as much a coping mechanism as is the idea of an “eternal paradise” to try to offset the terror that we simply Do Not Know what death is like.

Speaking of BoJack, things ended on a more hopeful note in that show than I expected, but it didn’t feel inconsistent with what had come before, and was more satisfying because it faced extremely difficult questions about the behavior of its protagonist and the duties of the people around him to help him or not in the face of that.

Perhaps that is unfair of me to ask from The Good Place, which was always conceived as an inherently optimistic show, and more focused on ideas of “what ideal environment would make people choose to do good” and less so on grappling with what to do about truly evil actions. 

But I find that in its specificity - in choosing to focus on essentially a few individuals instead of making broad statements about “Good,” BoJack more successfully grappled with the real kind of moral dilemmas that we face in this very imperfect and very real world we live in. 

People can make mistakes, can do bad things. It’s good to help people and to help them be better. These things are easy to say. But what happens when other people are seriously hurt by someone’s bad actions? When it’s a person who has a lot of power - power of money, fame, social status - and that person’s victims, their “collateral damage” don’t have that? BoJack doesn’t say that people can’t change - they can. But does that actually erase the hurt? What role does consequences play in a just universe?

It’s easy to condemn actions from Evil Characters twirling their moustaches. BoJack makes you sympathize with him. It’s hard not to want to root for BoJack when you see his terrible, terrible childhood, how the deck was seemingly stacked against him from the start. But the show BoJack makes it very clear that that stopped being an excuse from him deciding not to grow a very long time ago.

In the end, BoJack got exactly what I wanted for him. I didn’t want him to get a happy ending, he didn’t deserve one from his actions. But I also didn’t want him to get a bad ending, giving the idea that some people are just doomed from birth and will never get better. What I wanted was for BoJack to experience the consequences of his actions, but also to be able to find peace for himself. And both things happened.

I’ve also seen it floating around that by not killing BoJack, but by letting him live in the final episode, that the show “let him off the hook.” I absolutely disagree. Despite said terror in “The View From Halfway Down” death would have been a way out for BoJack. For him to not have to wake up the next day and deal with the mess made by his own actions again. And finally everything caught up to him. As said in the final episode, “sometimes life’s a bitch and you keep on living.” Becoming a corpse in his pool from yet another self-loathing bender was seemingly BoJack’s destiny, but he doesn’t get that. He needs to do the hardest thing possible for him - learn to live with himself.

So it’s much more fitting that we don’t end with BoJack’s End. It’s left up in the air. There’s a hint that he might relapse to addiction again (not to drugs or alcohol but his worst addiction of all - the spotlight), but it’s not final. 

The show also makes it clear that it is more than okay for the others around BoJack to move on with their lives and not be defined by his toxicity. The show doesn’t condemn Hollyhock, the kindest and probably most mature character, for cutting BoJack out of her life when the interviews aired. She doesn’t exist to be BoJack’s “morality pet” to exist in order to prove he is a Good Person because he cares about her and her opinion of him. She had a life long before BoJack and she’ll have a life long after him, and faced with that pattern of behavior she made the most healthy and safe choice for herself.

And likewise with Diane, who has struggled so much with her own mental health issues and is far from perfect but always cared so much more about the potential consequences of her actions than BoJack ever has. (of course you could argue she took it too far the other way, as Guy said once, “I don’t know why I should have to suffer because you have a moral perrogative against feeling good”). Of all the characters Diane struggled the most between her duty to BoJack as a friend she cared about personally, and his actions as yet another rich, protected, powerful man with a history of damaging less powerful women. And the finale lets her let him go. “What if this was the last time we ever talked to each other,” and Diane doesn’t answer.

Because for BoJack to have everything he ever wants, after the hurt he’s caused people like Penny, Charlotte, Sarah Lynn, Gina, many others - is that really a fair and just universe? 

BoJack is messy the way that life is messy and it doesn’t provide easy answers, but it does provide hope, it gives us the truth that life, that living with yourself is often just FUCKING HARD, but you keep on doing it. In the hope that maybe you’ll find some peace. And it doesn’t ignore that real pain caused doesn’t magically “go away” when someone decides to “get better.”

Basically, BoJack to me really grappled with difficult questions of what is to be done when someone we like does bad things, and what are the necessary consequences of that when real hurt has been caused. 

Early on The Good Place was radical for suggesting that the mundane flaws of its main four humans - not war criminals, but selfish, conceited, passive, and unthinking - made them indeed, not good people. It was then radical again when it basically came to the conclusion that true goodness is compromised in a capitalistic system. But in the final season it just kind of devolved into pleasantness instead of grappling with real questions in the way BoJack did.

Again, no one on The Good Place ever did anything as bad as BoJack did - for one, none of them are culpable for the death of a woman in their care like BoJack was for Sarah Lynn - but there was at least some meat to its philosophy. Rolling into paradise and fixing it in the space of one episode does not match that depth or complexity, nor give the sense that anything is really on the line here.

OKAY I HAVE NO CONCLUSION TO THIS, this is literally just unconnected thoughts I have on why I found one series end more satisfying on a thematic level than another’s - maybe???? God help you if you read all the way through this, I have to get back to work now.

[viva-la-sterek]

Happy new year, Sterek Fandom! Here is a list of some greatly enjoyable fics created in the fandom this past year! It’s amazing to see Sterek still going strong with events like @sterekweek-2018​, @sterek-smooch​, @sterekreversebang​, @stereksecretsanta​, and many more! Thank you so much to the many writers, fanartists, graphic makers and everyone that contributes to fandom! x3 

They Say It's Mighty Fine by @the-apocrypha​ (1/1 | 23,234 | Gen.) 

"Hello. This is Alpha Vernon Boyd, calling from Camp Remus about—"

"Derek?" Talia asks, confused. "You're calling about Derek? Is he okay? What happened?"

"Oh, boy." Melissa blows out a breath. "All right. Is he hurt?"

"He's been there for two hours, what could he possibly have—" John pauses. "Hang on, Camp Remus? Like the werewolf camp?"

Where You Still Remember Dreaming by @yodas-yo-yo​ (15/15 | 95,612 | Explicit) 

“What’s your name? I can’t keep calling you Balto.”

“What’s yours?”

“Stiles.”

Derek raises an eyebrow. That isn’t his real name. There’s no way. But now he thinks about it, he has a vague memory of someone, probably Uncle Peter, telling him that with the fae, names have power. “I’m Miguel,” he says.

“Lie.”

“Are you trying to tell me your real name is Stiles?”

Stiles runs his tongue across his teeth and considers Derek carefully. “Fair enough,” he says, “Miguel it is.”

Grabbing his groceries and pocketing the change, Derek turns to leave; he’s nearly at the door when Stiles calls out, “By the way, Miguel, if you’re interested, it’s two for one on bags of kibble at the pet store down the street.”

Derek doesn’t look back, doesn’t hesitate, just raises a hand and flips him off on the way out.

Sweet Buns by skoosiepants / @pantstomatch​ (1/1 | 17,936 | Teen) 

Stiles hasn’t seen Derek Hale this close up for over a decade. He looks almost exactly the same, except somehow he seems even bigger and broodier—criminally handsome, with soft-looking dark scruff, heavy brows, light hazel eyes. His gaze zeros in on Stiles almost immediately, and his scowl lightens minutely in what looks like surprise.

Stiles is acutely aware that he has melted butter and cinnamon all over his face, and tries to surreptitiously wipe it with the ends of his sweater-sleeve.

Or-

The a/b/o bakery au with feelings

Scrubbing Bubbles by MargaretKire (8/8 | 46,063 | Explicit) 

Stiles thought it would be easy doing janitorial work for an office. At first, it really was. The job only took a few hours in the evenings and it helped pay for rent and college. Sure, Hale Industries took up an entire floor in one of the downtown financial buildings, but the place was new and easy to care for. He didn’t even have to spend much time cleaning the huge corner office, because the trash was nearly always empty and the office itself was spotless, like no one used it.

It was basically the perfect college job. At least, until the boss started staying late.

Give you that thing you can't even imagine by LunaCanisLupus_22 (1/1 | 10,982 | Explicit) 

the one where mateless Derek thinks no omega can affect him like they do other alphas and he's about to find out he's very, very wrong.

That Frothing Knob by Pride_of_Six (4/4 | 14,598 | Explicit) 

Stiles was wiping down the spout of a machine with a cloth, and Derek almost popped a stiffy right there in the café. It was completely embarrassing that after so many years of control over both his human and wolf side Derek would find himself so… enamoured by this random. Regardless, the wolf wants what the wolf wants, and Derek found himself trying his darnedest to get some sort of a rise out of Stiles, “You sure know how to handle that frothing knob.”

Needless to say, Derek got to see that beautiful blush colouring the barista’s face once again.

hey asshole by @everchanginginks​ (1/1 | 15,631 | Mature) 

The Hales moved in next door more than a year ago and while Cora and Stiles became fast friends, Stiles has yet to meet his best friend's big brother, Derek, who’s been attending college in New York. When Derek comes home for the summer he makes less than a stellar impression. And vice versa.

lube and determination by @bleep0bleep​ (2/2 | 4,873 | Explicit) 

It's a holiday classic: homesick boy wants to make a pumpkin pie while studying abroad, boy realizes the only place to find vegetable shortening is a sex shop, and boy makes fool of himself in front of other boy.

The Quickest Way to a Man’s Heart (is Through His Bottomless Pit) by @isthatbloodonhisshirt​ (1/1 | 54,167 | Explicit) 

Pulling open his apartment door, he let out an involuntary shout when something was quite literally thrust into his chest hard enough to have him almost tip backwards. He managed to right himself while keeping hold of what had been shoved at him and looked up in time to see his neighbour striding back towards his apartment.

“You’re going to fucking kill yourself.”

His door slammed.

Stiles blinked at the other man’s door, utterly confused, and looked down at what he was holding.

It was a plastic bag, full of what felt like tupperware, which made no sense to Stiles because when had his neighbour broken into his house to steal his tupperware?

Sharing Food by @aussiebee​ (2/2 | 9,564 | Explicit) 

Derek is pretty much absorbed into the Stilinski family, one meal at a time.

Have You Tried Turning It Off and On Again? by @sophisticatedyet​ (1/1 | 8776 | Explicit) 

Stiles gets a wrong number call from an old man who can't install his antivirus software. He feels like doing a good deed, so he decides to walk him through it.

Derek is not an old man, just a technologically incompetent twenty-six year old TA who has made enemies of the entire UCLA IT department. The helpful stranger he has just accidentally called is about to become Derek's go-to computer guy.

Bittersweet and Strange, Finding You Can Change (Learning You Were Wrong) by WithMyTeeth (8/8 | 49,983 | Explicit) 

When perpetual loner and failwolf extraordinaire Derek Hale finally loses patience with his meddling family, he grabs a confused Stiles Stilinski, unsuspecting diner patron and herbal medicine student, off the street to pose as his new boyfriend. Hijinks ensue.

Companionship by exclamation / @jessicameats​ (42/42 | 85,697 | Explicit) 

Companions are elite pleasure slaves, trained in music, dance, poetry, and, especially, sex. Stiles is the worst student in the history of the companion school, so his teachers decide to get rid of him by claiming he is interested in bondage and selling him to someone who'll keep him restrained and gagged.

Derek Hale is lonely and interested in BDSM. Buying a companion with an interest in submission seemed like a good idea at the time, but it turns out Stiles is not what was advertised. Not only does Stiles hate the thought of BDSM, he also has very strong opinions on what constitutes consent, or lack thereof. But keeping Stiles seems a better option than sending him back to the school, so somehow they will have to work this out between them.

Do Not Go Gentle by @mojoflower​ (51/51 | 195,878 | Explicit) 

Derek Hale, Beacon Hills Alpha and Dom, wakes up in a dark cell already housing another captive – a mute, traumatized sub with a cruel collar around his neck. His only goal is to get them both free of their brutal circumstances; but even as he tries to get his young companion home, a bond between them grows. Nothing comes easily: danger and harrowing echoes of their ordeal shadow every step they take.

too long to the weekend by @dizzy-redhead (1/1 | 5,261 | Explicit) 

When Derek agreed to show Stiles around Berkeley, he was thinking of Stiles at fifteen, his childhood friend, the son of his mother's best friend.

He was not prepared for Stiles, all grown up.

Married at First Glance by WonderWolf (14/14 | 63,558 | Explicit) 

Married at First Glance gives its participants seven weeks. Seven weeks, starting when they meet and marry their “perfect match”, to decide if they want to stay married or divorce.

For Stiles and Derek though, the challenge lies within trying to pretend that they don’t absolutely hate each other’s guts. When you’re married to a werewolf who dislikes humans, however, this can get a little tricky.

But the sweet, sweet cash reward at the end will be worth it. Right?

(A Married at First Sight AU)

Show Me Your Igloo and I'll Show You Mine by @thisdiscontentedwinter (1/1 | 4,943 | Explicit) 

Stiles is finally going to meet the online friend he's had for years.

Instead, the hottest guy in the world walks in.

Broken Car, Lemon Bar by inhystereks / @bibliophile246 (6/6 | 27,884 | Mature) 

Stiles got out of his car so whoever was coming wouldn't think he was just being an asshole and stopped in the middle of the road on purpose. He almost laughed when he caught sight of the approaching car. A black Camaro. Which meant Derek Hale was the one slowing down to pull up behind him. The town mechanic and also the scariest fucker around.

Oh, sweet irony.

He was exactly the person Stiles desperately needed and was also terrified of.

Perfect.

The Courting Dilemmas of a Spark and a Werewolf Prince by green-leaf (2/2 | 11,472 | Teen) 

Talia smiled calmly. “I am well aware that you are not a werewolf, my darling, but I thought this would be the best reading material for you to use as reference. After all, how would you know how to act during a courting ritual if you do not study it?”

“But I don’t... I’m not…” Stiles narrowed his eyes at her. “Are you setting me up with someone?”

Talia rolled her eyes at him. “Don’t be obtuse, my darling. Why would I set you up with someone –”

“Oh, well, that’s good, because–”

“–when I have a son who is already perfectly enamored with you?”

The Accused by @drgrlfriend (1/1 | 5,764 | Mature) 

“Remember when I thought I was in love with Kate, and she turned out to be a murderous hunter who killed most of my family and blinded me in the process?”

Erica’s voice was cautious. “Derek — what the fuck — of course I remember, how could you even ask? —”

“Well, my mate is worse,” Derek said flatly.

A Little Less Conversation by Lissadiane (1/1 | 5,626 | Gen.) 

Derek has learned to be a good Alpha in most of the ways that count. The problem is, now that he's well-adjusted, safe, and happy, it's time to turn his attention to the one thing he's always sucked at: finding a nice, sweet Omega mate.

Lucky for him, Erica and Stiles have ideas on how to make that as painless as possible.

In which Derek Hale is a failwolf and somehow, ends up going speed dating.

Cheers to more Sterek in 2019!! 

[notwarriorswiki]

What are your favourite and least favourite super additions and what changes would you make to them? Also I love your writing and ideas. Your very talented :)

Favorite Super Edition: Tallstar’s Revenge

It’s my favorite for a reason but if I had to make changes, I’d start with clarifying the timeline of events because there are multiple character age inconsistencies. It seems Tallstar is much older than Bluefur and even Yellowfang, but the timeline isn’t clear so it can be hard to chart out events at times.

Fix Talltail’s relationship with Sandgorse. I would’ve kept Sandgorse putting pressure on Tallpaw to change, and just trying to force what he wants Tallpaw to be on him. That’s an interesting conflict, but have them start to resolve it and just as Tallpaw feels him and his dad are getting back on track, THEN have Sandgorse die in the tunnels. It would be a better motive for Talltail to be angry his dad was taken just as things were improving.

I would’ve liked a bit more time spent with Barkface and his and Tallstar’s friendship. They’re leader and medicine cat eventually so it would’ve been nice to get more interactions like the one we got with them in the medicine den.

Make the moments Tallpaw has with Sparrow really count. Drop some suspicious hints. I headcanon Sparrow as Clawface and Nightpelt’s dad, so maybe him sneaking out of camp one night is seen by Tallpaw and he’s confused. Basically, give more reason for Tallpaw to rationalize that Sparrow murdered Sandgorse.

I would’ve changed Sparrow. Make the Sandgorse incident an accident, but still make it his fault. Like maybe there’s some sort of argument that happens and their movement causes more of the tunnel collapse. Sandgorse actually DOES leave Sandgorse behind. There’s no “Sandgorse sacrificed himself”. He just dies, there was an incident, it happens.

Jake and Talltail is perfect.

Talltail choosing not to kill Sparrow is because he values peace, and causing harm is not in his character. We see throughout the book that Talltail doesn’t want to fight others. Characterize him as a brave cat who will fight if he has to, but ultimately is openminded and peaceful.

The scene helping RiverClan is a great example of this. It shows Talltail’s strengths as a peaceful leader and its benefits. Do this more!

Make Talltail’s relationship with Jake canon you cowards.

Overall make the theme of the book about moving on making your own destiny. Don’t let the past or others define what you become, and be the better person. Focus on bettering yourself, not tearing down others.

Plotline with Talltail addressing Palebird’s litter with Woolytail and having a heart to heart about her moving on while she still grieves.

Plotline with Barkface telling Tallstar why he became a medicine cat.

Plotline with Hopkit saying he’s going to be a warrior and run the moor even with the paw that’ll make it harder. He chooses what he’s going to be.

Least Favorite: Tigerheart’s Shadow

I don’t like canon Tigerheart, at least in this book. Literally rewriting him to be likable involved taking his good traits (which is that he’s caring and wants to prove himself), and then making those his goal rather than being with Dovewing.

The problem with this book is that your POV character is dumb. Tigerheart leaves ShadowClan when it is in its worst state, which ultimately makes him seem selfish to the reader. Honestly this book doesn’t need to exist and would be better if we didn’t have DoveTiger, but if we’re going to fix this.

Make this a novella, it does not need to be this long. Have the focus be on Tigerheart and Dovewing’s relationship and finding a solution to their problem. Prove to the reader how much they care about each other.

Improve their communication because Tigerheart doesn’t seem able to explain to Dovewing that ShadowClan is a mess and he has his mom, dad, and sister to think about.

Scrap the prophecy and dream thing, focus on the emotions of the characters. Let Tigerheart decide what to do on his own. It convinces the reader that he is thinking his own thoughts and is truly alone with his decision. It makes whatever choice he makes much more respectable, even if it’s wrong.

That scene with Ivypool is awful. Tigerheart, leave the sister out of this. Again, make the problem between Tigerheart and Dovewing. If this novel is about Tigerheart chasing Dovewing and becoming leader, then make that your focus: strengthen the relationship and prove that he’s a capable cat.

More scenes of the time in ShadowClan with him being a cat others admire and can rely on. He’s a stable point for ShadowClan, which will make the choice to leave to find Dovewing that much harder. 

Point is, we as the reader will sympathize if we value Dove and Tiger’s relationship, but also understand how important Tigerheart is to his clan’s stability. If we believe that, then we identify with Tigerheart’s dilemma. The problem is that Tigerheart acts dumb and makes his own problems, so we just groan.

I honestly can’t even really go on with the church cats cause they’re fine and nice, and everything seems good when we find Dovewing, but then Tigerheart tries to change their ways and it makes him look even worse.

Like how am I supposed to believe this guy would be a great leader when every other chapter he does another stupid thing. 

No revival. He just lives, returns, and becomes leader. Unless I can say he doesn’t become leader and we go with a redemption arc for Rowanstar, a Tawnystar, or heck Scorchstar even.

Just… please don’t make the MoonPool a revival spot. Never in your fiction should you have a way to “reverse” death. If you want the same effect, go with coma, but don’t have them DIE and come back. It ruins the laws of your world.

[irrlicht-ghostfront]

all the tiny things.

Castiel lied to you. But why? He must have a job; where else would the money come from? You know the answer, you’re sure you do, but you don’t want to.

It's your fault, isn't it?

***************

When you met him years and years ago; you thought he was a small, petite man, the way he sat there by himself in the corner booth. Certainly, he didn’t look like anyone you’d become friends with or would even pay any mind. But, his booth was the only one not crowded, so you and your friends walk over to him and share the booth with him.

Your opinion doesn’t really change through the night; even his demeanour seems small and petite. Towards the end of it, he ask if he could join your outings again and you’re drunk enough not to care, so you agree. After all, he hardly disturbs you, right? He stands up then, ready to leave and you look at him – you realise he’s not small and petite, but that his shoulders are broad and that he is a tall man. You wonder why he looked so tiny while sitting by himself. You don’t wonder long, of course, but still – it’s a thought that crossed your mind.

It’s a thought that comes back now, when he stands in front of you. His words ring in your ears still, and yet you barely registered them. Something’s wrong, you know it, but you don’t understand why he wouldn’t tell you.

“I love you.”

Why say that? It’s neither the place nor the time, and Castiel’s not someone who’d try to get with someone’s boyfriend. The way he said it, it feels more like an excuse. But why would he need an excuse for something? Does he need one so that you leave him alone? Something’s wrong. Something’s really wrong, but you don’t know what it is, and you need to fix it. So you grab him tight and pull him in your arms. He deflates immediately, and you know he’s given up.

You take him home.

He tells you what happened in small, hushed tones. You wish he’d come to you sooner, but at least he’s here now. It’s gonna be hard, supporting two people with your salary, but you’re willing to try. He needs your help, and he’s clearly in no state to help himself at the moment. You get him in the tiny guest-room and get him into bed. You’ll make soup for him tomorrow, and then you’re gonna gradually make him feel better. It’s a quiet promise you make to yourself, because you’re not sure Castiel could handle that at the moment, so you tell him to sleep. He looks so tiny, again and you wonder.

It’s a bit rough, at first. Castiel doesn’t want to eat any more than the bare minimum, even though he really ought to, he hasn’t really enjoyed the shower yet and never turns on any sort of light, resulting in various bruises all across his body; and frankly, you’re at a loss.

“He doesn’t want to eat anything, Sammy”, you groan in the phone. “My food tastes good, right?” Sam’s quiet on the other end of the line and you just start to get irritated. “Uh... did you adopt a fussy baby or something?” You roll your eyes. “No. I’m talking ‘bout Castiel, who else?” And there is that damn pause yet again. Sam doesn’t need such long pauses to think, for god’s sake! “Uh, why, uh, why would you feed Castiel?” Oh.

So you explain and slap yourself mentally. It’s not like that’s public knowledge. Shit.

Sam tells you Castiel probably needs to get used to this. He needs to get used to kindness and also learning to accept it. So you should have patience and “you’re doing a good thing, Dean” blah-blah. After that conversation, however, Castiel starts to eat. It really seems like a call to Sam fixes things. You should’ve done that a lot sooner. You’re just about able to withhold a huff. After all, Castiel acts like a little fawn and you wouldn’t want to scare him away with your manliness.  

It gets better over time. Castiel still looks tiny to you, but you’re not so sure how to change that. You think maybe a new job would help with that, so you gently nudge him towards that. Also, to be honest, having some more money wouldn’t be that bad. Everything’s getting a bit tight as of late. So, one evening, you decide to call Sam. He’ll know what to do – and so far he’s the only one who partly knows what happened.

“It’s been four months now”, Sam says. “He still hasn’t found anything?” You just hum. That sounds like an accusation. This whole dilemma isn’t really Castiel’s fault, is it? “It’s not like that”, you say and Sam huffs. “Really, Dean? You still wanna shield him from the world?” “Now, c’mon, Sammy, that’s hardly fair –“. “So what? Money’s not getting tight?” You bite your lip. “Well, yes, it’s kinda tight, but – “. Sam cuts you off. “Dean, he needs to contribute something, don’t you think? You’re basically a hotel by now, a free one too!” Maybe calling Sam hadn’t been the best idea. “It’s not his fault, Sam. Sorry to bother you.” You hang up and grab your hair. Son of a bitch. The worst part is, you’re not sure if Sam isn’t secretly right. Damn it, you wanted him to solve your problem, not add onto it! What are you supposed to do now? You squeeze your eyes shut. Castiel can’t know of this. You know he isn’t feeling well, and knowing this would only make it worse.

He tells you about every interview he has, and since he never mentions them again, you know how they turned out. You offer him to help look over his applications, but he always declines. You wonder if there is something embarrassing on it, but then – you can’t imagine. Castiel is nice and ordinary – he’s not the type of guy who’d ever done something embarrassing. Not that it would be a pleasant thing: but almost freezing to death on their trip is probably the most exciting thing that ever happened to him.

You bite your lip. You almost let the guy die, and here you are, calling it exciting.

“I’m gonna crash at Lisa’s place”, you tell him. You’re about to meet with your friends. You tried to coax him to go, but he doesn’t want to. He’s been absent the last few times, and Charlie and Garth have been asking. So you just told them Castiel’s probably busy. You feel like Castiel needs to tell them himself. It’s not your place. “Okay”, he says in a small tone and you hate it. You want him to speak up for himself; you want him to stand up!

But you don’t know how to breach that. So you swallow the words you want to say and turn around to leave. Maybe you should confide in Lisa. Maybe she’ll know what to do, but – you don’t know if she even likes Castiel. It’s not like she dislikes him, but... you sigh. Some small part of you damns Castiel. If he’d just kept his job, you wouldn’t be in this awkward situation right now. You shake your head in disgust.

It’s not his fault.

And you can’t make it his fault.

You try to drink your worries away. Lisa cuts you off two hours in. One hour later, she takes you home. You feel like utter shit, and Sam’s glances surely didn’t fucking help. She’s worried, she says. You scoff. She doesn’t need to worry about you. You have a job, and a girlfriend, and a home and friends and... and...

Castiel has nothing of that.

You stop dead in your tracks.

They’re your friends, Dean.

So... Castiel doesn’t have a job, he doesn’t have a friend, he doesn’t have a home and he doesn’t have a boyfriend.

I love you.

You turn to Lisa and she stares up at you, clearly worried. You hug her and her warmth seeps through you.  “Hey, Lis.” She moves her head against your chest. “One should help a friend in need, no matter how long it takes, right?” She takes a step back. “Yes”, she says, all sincere. “Is everything okay?” You smile. She would help you, you know that. You shake her head. “I’m tired. Let’s go to sleep.” She nods and holds your hand. It’s a nice feeling and briefly, you think about a lonely Castiel, sitting on the couch, all alone. You push the thought away.

It’s about two weeks later, and you been pondering over your bank account for hours now. Charlie’s birthday is coming up, but you can’t really afford to buy her anything. All you can think of gifting her has the label Harry Potter or Star Wars on it, and that’s just too expensive. You almost hurled your phone away when you looked up the price of a nice Dice-set. So you call Sam. So stupid.

“I’m kinda running tight, Sammy”, you say through your teeth. “I know it’s her birthday, but I just can’t, okay? Can’t you buy something, and I pitch in, or whatever?” Sam huffs. “I know how you could’ve saved up some money for her gift.” You grind your jaw. “So, what do you want me to do? I’m just supposed to tell him to go away?! C’mon, that’s just heartless, don’t cha think?” “No, Dean, at this point I think it’s to be expected. He’s abusing your hospitality, Dean! Is he even looking for employment?” You breathe heavily through your nose. “Yes, yes he is! It’s not his fault he only gets rejection letters!” Sam cackles. “Why are you still protecting him? Is there something going on Lisa should be aware of?” That’s going too far. Without another word you hang up and turn your phone off. The pure assumption…!

You haven’t turned your phone back on yet. You know it’s probably swarming with messages from Sam by now, but you don’t want to deal with that. More than that, you don’t want Castiel to notice. So when he enters the kitchen the following day, you smile at him, like always. He doesn’t really smile back like he usually does. Damn, perhaps your worry his showing. You’re hoping he won’t be worrying over this and just believes you spent a long night sexting Lisa. “I’m going to go to Sam’s this evening” you tell him, “is that okay?” He just hums slightly and bites into his toast. You look at him; again looking so small and petite. You want to yell at him, tell him to sit straight, stand with all his height.  But you don’t know how to do that. You can’t think of a single reason of why he should sit straight other than the fact that he should.

You’re great, Cass, you think, I only wish I knew how to tell you that.

You just show up at Sam’s. You don’t even know if he’s home. You ring the bell, and he opens. For a moment, you both just stand there, none of you saying a word. Then you push past him and go inside. It’s not exactly warm out here in the wind. He doesn’t protest and just closes the door again. You shrug your jacket off and just stand there, neither of you wanting to start.

But Sam, being Sam, comes through: “I’m sorry, Dean. What I said, that… that was uncalled for.” You nod slightly, willing him to continue. “Dean, it’s just... I’m worried, okay? I know Castiel’s a good guy and all that, but he’s been living off of you for more than four months now, right? And yes, I know it can be hard to get a job. But you realise it can’t go on like this, right?” You sigh deeply and let your shoulders sag. Yes, you know. Sam was only worried. And you can’t deny that you haven’t wondered yourself. You know Castiel is trying. But Sam’s right, too: it can’t go on like this forever. Castiel needs a job, so he can help pay the bills. You don’t really mind him living with you, but money is really running tight at the moment. “Yeah”, you say finally, falling onto the couch. “I don’t know what to do, Sammy. He tries, he tries so fucking hard, how can I give him more grief?” Sam hands you a beer and sits next to you. “Let me help”, he says. “I can look over his resume. Often it’s the phrasing that helps. I mean, we could at least offer it to him.” You nod, and you don’t tell Sam that you already offered that, and that Castiel declined. Maybe he’ll allow Sam to look.

You end up staying the night. Sam’s couch is incredible uncomfortable, but it’s better than a random ditch on the road. You go straight to work from here and you hope Castiel is doing fine.

“Dean, I... I have a job”, he tells you the next day and his voice sounds weird, but you barely notice. You simply beam at him. “Cass, that’s amazing! I’m so happy for you; I know how hard it’s been.” You get up and hug him tightly; he even hugs you back. It feels faint, but you don’t really notice that at this point. “So, where you’re working at?” You ask him as you release him from your hug. “It’s at the museum”, he answers you swiftly and continues, “I’m the night-guard.” You beam again and clap a hearty hand on his shoulder. “That’s great, Cass! Um... not to be forward, but do you think you could... help me pay the bills?” You feel a bit uncomfortable asking this right away, but it’s been gnawing at you.

He smiles and says yes.

It’s like he knew you were struggling. You hope that’s not true.

You smile brightly at him, and if you hadn’t been so in your own head at this time, you might’ve noticed.

You write a message to Sam right after this. You feel so proud.

What a fool you are.

You can’t help it; but when you watch Castiel get ready, pride swells in your chest. You’re trying so hard not to look, but it just looks so good, seeing him get ready for his all-new job. “Have fun!” You shout a bit too loudly and he looks at you, startled. The smile on your face hurts your cheeks, but you can’t stop. He smiles gingerly at you, before he disappears through the door.

You sink back into the couch and take a deep breath. It feels so good, knowing the dry period is finally over. With the money from Castiel’s job, everything’s back to normal now. Even Sam was happy about the news. You giggle a bit. It seems Castiel is better now. Last night, you heard him watch certain... films, so to say. That’s good. That means Castiel is back on the right track. And maybe he’ll stop being so tiny now, and will stand up straight.

Time passes. And with that passing time, something feels off. You can tell that Castiel is straining himself to look at you. You frown and wonder why. And even more so, it feels like he’s retreating somewhere. He never talks about his work, not even when you try and prompt him. You wonder if he’s got trouble at work. But you don’t know if it’s any of your business. And somehow, you want to trust him enough that he’d come to you if he needed to.

And then he stops looking at you completely. You don’t what’s wrong, but you don’t want to ask Sam about it. “Talk to him”, he’d say. Yeah, Sherlock thanks very much for that useless piece of crap advice. He takes a lot of walks outside now and you think that’s good. Sunshine and fresh air always help, right? They have to, because you don’t know what to do.

There’s a bruise on his face. He says it happened at work, he fell asleep and accidentally hit his head on the counter.  You simply nod, not believing him. You think that reaffirms your thoughts about him having trouble at work. “Okay”, you tell him. “Just be more careful next time, alright?” You wish he’d talk to you. You’re sure you could scare his bully away, if you only knew who that was. So you decide to take some behind-the-scene action. You could protect him, even without him asking. He would be happy about it later. He wasn’t alone anymore, now.

So, when he’s asleep, you call the museum. You just need a name, anything to go on. A man picks up and you mentally steel yourself. “Ah, hello. I’m calling because I had a question about one of your night guards. Castiel Novak? He started about three weeks ago, now.” The man asks you to hold a moment and seemingly types away at his computer. “Sir, there is no Castiel Novak employed with us currently.” You’re baffled. Why would Castiel lie to you? And where does he go when he goes to work? And more importantly, where does the money come from? “Oh. I’m sorry; I must have been mistaken, sorry.” The man tells you it’s no bother and you hang up.

Castiel lied to you.

But why?

He must have a job; where else would the money come from?

You know the answer, you’re sure you do, but you don’t want to.

Two days later, he has a fever. He didn’t seem sick before, so you’re even more worried. You want to take care of him, so you make him Mom’s Tomato-Rice-Soup. You help him eat it and whenever he warms up too much, you get some wet towels for him. Lisa wants to meet, as do your friends, but Castiel is a bit more important right now. You don’t want to leave him alone here.  His temperature doesn’t lower and worry gnaws way at you.

The fever gets worse, and you take him to the hospital. Castiel tries to protest, in a meek, tiny voice. You hate it. You hate it so much. You tell him a firm no and you feel him cry into your shoulder. You’re not sure he notices that. His body is so hot to the touch.

Three days he spends at the hospital. There are cuts on his chest, and they’re inflamed. Why didn’t he say something? Who did that to him? Why didn’t he take better care of himself? You could’ve helped. The doctors talk to you; and they confirm what you’ve known all along. Damn it all, you didn’t need money that badly. It should never have come to this.

He’s asleep every time you sit at his bed. You know he’s faking it. “I know you’re awake, Castiel.” To his credit, he doesn’t even flinch. You don’t know what to do. What do you do in this situation? You want to ask Sam, but you can’t. This thing is so private and Castiel feels so tiny, so fragile – you’re afraid you’re going to break him.

You don’t speak to him on the way home. He sits next to you, pale to the light outside. He looks even tinier than usual, and oh god, how much you hate it. It should have never come to this, but now it’s too late. The deed is done, and you’re afraid your friend is forever damaged, without you being able to fix him in any way or matter.

“Castiel”, you say after the door closes. “Tell me.”

Such a small order, and even to your ears, it sounds impossible to obey. Slowly, he lifts his gaze and looks at you. He’s even smaller than the first time you’ve seen him. How will you ever get him to stand up? It’s seems such an impossible task. “I wanted to be good”, he says toneless.

It’s a hollow voice that comes out of him and you take his phone from him. You browse through his last messages and you want to find all these people and hurt them for hurting him. How dare they? How dare they? “You should’ve told me” you say and you try your hardest to keep the anger out of your voice. It’s not for him, it’s for them, But if he hears it, he’ll think it’s his fault. “I wanted to be good”, he says again.

“You’ve always been good”, you say and you hug him. You don’t know what to do.

“I love you”, he says and you hug him tighter.

He hugs you back, but it doesn’t feel like a beginning.

It’s not enough.

And you’re not sure if it ever could be.

Later, when you’re lying in your bed, you hear a soft thump. You’re sure, later; you only hear it because you haven’t been asleep yet. You should have been, it’s after three in the morning and you have to get to work tomorrow – but you were thinking about skipping, because you two really need to talk. You wonder if Castiel knocked something over or – god forbid – if he hurt himself. So you get up and pad over to his room – it is his room now, after all this time, no longer the guest-room – and you open the door without much preamble.

It’s your fault, isn’t it?

You didn’t even know you kept a rope somewhere. You didn’t see him take a chair. But you should have.

So it’s your fault, isn’t it?

[adderallmaster]

Anxiety Is in Your Body

Why you might want to stop talking about your anxiety and try this instead: taking  Valium 10 mg for anxiety or for sleep is something most people in the United States do on a daily.

Let’s back up 50,000 years or so. Imagine you’re a Neanderthal taking a leisurely stroll through the fields. Suddenly, in the nearby bushes, you hear a tiger. In a nanosecond, your entire body starts reacting. Your pulse quickens, your breathing gets shallow, your eyes dilate, your body starts producing adrenaline.

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Everything happening in your body is good; you’re prepared to survive this tiger encounter. There’s just one small problem. It wasn’t a tiger. It was a tiny prehistoric weasel. Now your body is primed for fight-or-flight, your heart is racing, you’re totally jacked up on adrenaline… but there is no danger.

This is your body on anxiety. Replace the (nonexistent) tiger in the bushes with social media, traffic, politics, Covid-19, money, childcare, climate change, work stress, family drama, and you can quickly see why anxiety is the most common mental illness in America, affecting nearly 20% of the population. Modern-day humans are basically a bunch of freaked-out Neanderthals in fight-or-flight mode 24/7.

“Anxiety is an impulse in our body that says, ‘I’m not safe right now,’” says Elizabeth Stanley, PhD, the author of Widen The Window: Training Your Body and Brain to Thrive During Stress and Recover from Trauma. “It’s automatic, really fast and unconscious.”

Your survival brain vs. your thinking brain

In her work, Stanley makes the distinction between the thinking brain, our neocortex, responsible for decision-making, reasoning, ethics, conscious memory, learning, and the survival brain — the limbic system, brain stem, and cerebellum — which handles our basic survival, emotions, implicit memory, and stress arousal.

One of the survival brain’s most important functions, according to Stanley, is neuroception, an unconscious process of rapidly scanning the internal and external environment for safety and danger. When danger is spotted, your survival brain sends an instantaneous stress arousal message to your body by turning on the sympathetic nervous system, resulting in the release of specific hormones that lead to certain physical sensations related to our heart, breathing, and digestion. “Whatever’s happening in the survival brain has these tremendous ripple effects through our body,” Stanley says.

As Stephen Porges, PhD, a psychologist and the creator of the Polyvagal Theory, explains in an interview with PsychAlive, “These responses are not voluntary. Our nervous system is picking up information in the environment, not on a cognitive level, but on a neurobiological level.”

Importantly, when we’re caught in a defensive response, the thinking brain is the last to be aware that something is wrong.“The thinking brain isn’t what decides whether we’re stressed, whether we’re feeling threatened or challenged, whether we’re going to turn stress on, whether we’re going to turn emotions on,” Stanley says. “Stress arousal and emotions belong to the survival brain.”

So if you want to track your anxiety, your body, not your thoughts, will be your most accurate map.

The talk therapy trap

Unlike our prehistoric ancestors (who might have dealt with anxiety by running, panting, or shaking like a dog and letting the cortisol work through their system, according to Stanley), modern anxiety sufferers turn to their trustworthy friend, their thinking brain. “Most people identify anxiety by their thoughts because most people identify with their thinking brain,” she explains.

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The problem is that when it comes to regulating our nervous system after a stress response (read: anxiety), our thinking brain is the absolute worst tool for the job. That’s because, according to Porges, even after becoming aware of the physical response, we often don’t know what has triggered that response. For Stanley, a veteran who was diagnosed with PTSD, this realization was a huge turning point. “Recovery from stress and anxiety is a survival brain job.”

We are a cerebral culture, which makes us very equipped to deal with problems that require reason and logic — think moral dilemmas — and less equipped to deal with problems where cognitive reasoning can just make them worse. Having a “fight or flight” response to running late to brunch may seem like an overreaction, but sitting in traffic, you are physiologically experiencing it all the same. We use our thinking brain to try and decide if the issue is “worth” being anxious about, and then we try to force our nervous system to comply. “Our consciousness gets disconnected from our body in those moments,” says Stanley. Your thinking brain decides that you have nothing to feel anxious about, so you spend your days walking around telling yourself that everything is fine while still feeling the physical symptoms of anxiety throughout your body. Even worse, your thinking brain may start to criticize and shame you for still being anxious even after it’s told you that everything is fine.

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If you, like me, have spent a few decades (and the equivalent of a house down payment) in talk therapy analyzing all the reasons you’re anxious, this is probably a hard pill to swallow. Not only did all that talking not do much to alleviate anxiety, but it could also even have made it more acute. “Our survival brain wants to keep us safe, but when we disregard our body and its signals because we’re so caught up in our thinking brain’s stories and thoughts, the survival brain actually perceives that as even more threatening,” says Stanley. “Like a toddler, it’s going to tantrum louder until its message gets through. And that’s why it becomes such a vicious cycle.”

Take, for example, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, one of the most common forms of talk therapy. According to the Mayo Clinic, “CBT helps you become aware of inaccurate or negative thinking so you can view challenging situations more clearly and respond to them in a more effective way.” Sounds great, right? While this kind of analysis could be profoundly helpful when dealing with family issues or working out an ethical question, when it comes to anxiety, which doesn’t take place in your thinking brain, it places the focus on the thought (“I thought there was a tiger!”) and not the physical response which preceded, and even caused, the thought (“my heart is racing and I’m full of adrenaline and I need tools to calm down”).

“We don’t necessarily want to be aware of and feel the discomfort in our bodies because anxiety in our bodies is uncomfortable. Instead, we want to try and fixate it and give it this external object,” explains Stanley. But if the external object didn’t cause the anxiety, then fixing it won’t alleviate the anxious feeling.

A bottom-up solution for anxiety

While talk therapy and medication are still the mainstream solutions offered for chronic anxiety, other modalities exist that offer a body-first approach. And while these modalities are still considered “alternative,” an increased interest in “brain science” and neurobiology along with continued research on mindfulness and mind-body connections are shifting our psychological understanding from focusing only on the mind to seeing the brain and body as a cohesive unit.

Part of the challenge, according to Pat Ogden, PhD, the creator of Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, is that you need to close the loop that was started when your body first went into a stress response. Ogden uses the example of a client who is Black and frequently stopped by the police without cause. When this happened, the man understandably felt himself getting angry and his body tightening up: a “fight” response. As part of their work together, Ogden helped him identify and act out the physical de-escalation his body needed in order to return to a regulated state, in this case getting to strike out and defend himself within the safety of a therapy session. “We want to complete that impulse in mindfulness so that his brain is integrated and it’s not held in his body anymore,” says Ogden.

Ogden points out that part of the limitation of talk therapy is that anxiety is often related to a dysregulated response connected to an implicit memory, which then gets incorrectly pinned on a current experience or thought. “It doesn’t have anything to do with the current content,” says Ogden.

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Stanley, who offers a mind fitness training course to help people build resilience, focuses on mindfulness techniques. And while at this point it’s a cliché to tell anybody with anxiety to take 10 deep breaths, her course has helped thousands of people, including active-duty military. “The military is very experienced in stressful situations, and they’ve trained themselves to turn on the survival brain but don’t always know how to turn it off,” says Stanley. Studies funded by the Department of Defense showed that Stanley’s method significantly helped improve cognitive performance during stress, lower perceived stress levels, increase regulation, and foster a faster return to baseline after stress arousal.

When your body is having a stress response, the first thing is to become aware of objects that help the survival brain feel safe, like what you can see and hear. “One of the best ways to help the survival brain feel grounded is to bring attention to where our body is in contact with our environment,” Stanley says. She suggests focusing on the contact between your feet with the floor, or your body in your chair. As soon as the survival brain perceives groundedness and safety, it automatically starts the recovery process.

Obviously, when you’re caught in a moment of severe anxiety, trying to breathe deeply or be mindful can feel almost impossible. In those situations, what you need is to get the adrenaline and cortisol out of your system. Stanley suggests jumping rope or running up and down stairs. After 10 minutes, try a mindfulness exercise again.

Is there any role for talk therapy, or trying to think logically about your anxiety? Absolutely. But only once your body is regulated, Stanley says: “After we have helped our survival brain feel safe and stable, then we can work on our thoughts. Otherwise, our cognitive response continues to be biased by our stress and emotions.”

[nicolehughes1991]

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