#but at the same time it's like ive convinced myself that's impossible

[endtimers]

came 2 the realization earlier this week that im. definitely autistic. and i think ive kinda known that for a while but ive also felt really unwilling to admit it because i can make myself be normal most of the time. and then i took the cat q test and i was like ohhhhh. it's masking it's just all masking. that's why i feel so exhausted after leaving the house and having to socialize. that's why i feel like a fake person. that's why i have a pathological aversion to talking about anything i'm interested in. that's why i feel embarassed over anything remotely true to me. that's why i feel like i have to perform wherever i go. that's why i feel like if i ever let anyone see myself in my truest state they wouldn't like me at all. i don't know who i am because i've frankly just refused to let myself be. i've been told my entire life that who i am isn't right and that it needs to change and now that i've changed to emulate normalcy i'm just tired and sad and feel like nothing. sorry for the bummer post but i feel a little heartbroken over this. it's reached the point where i feel like i need to turn on the mask even when i leave my room at home. my dad thinks i spend too much time in there but it's the only place where i feel like i don't have to put on a show. i don't know how to make this not be a thing anymore.

[homestylehughes]

quinn hughes- drowning

summary: when y/n is drowning in her love for Quinn, and feels the need to step back from him. what happens that Quinn is also drowning in her love too?

wc: 1.9k OMFGG HELLOOOOOOO???? this the longest fic I've ever wrote. holy fuck.

authors note: dun dun dun I'm backkkkk. ive had free time because of my classes being cancelled because of the weather. so I decided to sit down and write about quinny today <3. I hope you guys enjoy this is the longest fic I've everrrr wrote. make sure to reblog if you like enjoy it. as always much loveeeee.

Everyone told me not to fall in love with Quinn hughes. I told myself not to fall in love with Quinn Hughes. That It would be impossible for him to ever love me back in the way I loved him. 

          Obviously I didn't listen.

I fell head over heels in love with him. I was sinking, no I was drowning. Nothing could pull me out now. I was in too far deep, I was in too far deep to care that I was in love with Quinn hughes. It was so hard not to care, it was so hard to not fall in love with him. Longing gazes when we were out with our friends. The way he'd put his hand on my lower back when guiding me through a crowd. The way he’d listen so intently to things I would say. Everything little thing he did pulled me into him, everything he did pulled me under. I was drowning, I couldn't seem to care. 

  That's what led me to this. 

I knew that I was deep, I needed space. I haven't seen or talked to Quinn in over 2 weeks. I told myself I needed to distance myself from him. If I could pull myself away from him, then I could pull myself out from drowning in him. 

So I threw myself into my job, taking as many stories as I could from my boss. Declining dinners and drinks from my friends, from quinn. Ignoring his texts and declining his calls. I thought what I was doing was the right thing to do, it seemed like the easiest thing to do. I knew if I ever admitted to Quinn that I was in love with him, he wouldn't feel the same way. I'm trying to save myself a heart break, but what's the point? My hearts are already breaking by doing this. 

When the 3 week mark hit of not talking to quinn i felt better. Kinda. I still miss talking to him, actually scratch that, i miss everything little thing about him. I continue to tell myself that this is for the best. Do I even know what I want, is this even for the best?  The texts and calls from Quinn stopped showing up. He gave up on me, no i gave up on him. I did this and it's for the best. Even though I repeated this to myself everyday, I still felt I was making the wrong choice. 

My friends finally convinced me to leave my apartment. Making me put in the tightest outfit possible, and pulling me into the nearest bar. I make a beeline to the bar, ordering a drink to hopefully calm my nerves and help relax me. Being here in this bar made me remember how much I hate bars. It made me remember how much I miss Quinn. 

We make our way to the table with trays of drinks in our hands, tonight is going to be a good night. Well I thought it was. As I glanced up to see where one of my friends went, my eyes landed on her with a group of men. Men that look very familiar to me. My eyes drift left of my friend, and land right on Quinn. Our eyes meet for the first time in over 3 weeks. My heartbeat starts rising immediately, and suddenly I feel like I'm drowning again. The dress I'm wearing seems even tighter, and the bar feels like fire all around me. 

I need to get out of here, I say to myself. My eyes trying to find the next exit, I turn to my friend y/f/n and say “hey, I'm going to go outside, I need some fresh air. I'll be back in a second!!”. I don't wait for her reply, I turn on my heels, quickly moving towards the closest exit. 

The minute I step outside it hits me. Quinn. Quinn is really here. Quinn, my best friend, the man im inlove with is here. The man I've ignored for almost a month or more with no explanation is here. It hits me, I'm a terrible person. Why did I do that to him, why did I do this to us. 

I need to go home now. Home. Home. Home. was the only thing on my mind. 

My hands are shaking trying to pull up uber to get a ride home. Anywhere is better than here right now, this is all too much. As I'm going to hit  “Confirm payment” on the car ride home. I hear an all too familiar voice shout my name.

This can't be happening. No No No. 

The next thing I know is that Quinn is standing right in front of me. “y/n” he breathes out at me. I can't move, I'm frozen. I'm in shock, this can't be real. “y/n” he repeats. I finally looked into his eyes, my eyes dragging all over his face. Everything is as perfect as I remember it. “Quinn” I finally uttered while looking at the ground. I wish I was dreaming. I wish that what's happening isn't real. I can't even look him in the eyes. I wish it was a dream, and that when I woke up this was all fake.

This definitely isn't a dream. 

“You know you fucking suck.” Quinn says. I know I do, I think to myself. As I go to open my mouth to say something. He starts again “I haven't talked to you in over a month. You've been ignoring me. And the first time I see you again with your friends at a bar?!?!”. I can't even look at him, continuing to stare at his Nike covered feet. My eyes filled with tears. I hear him take another deep angry breath. “SEE??? You can't even look at me, you can't even look me in the eyes. You won't even give me an explanation. You know that's really shitty of you y/n.”. 

I'm crying now. I'm sobbing. Everything he's saying is true. I am a terrible person, this is all my fault I know. I know.

I heard him scoff and began to walk away. I can't let this happen, I can't let this happen again. “QUINN” I shouted, finally finding my voice. His steps immediately stop, he slowly turns around. I can see the anger and sadness in his eyes. 

This time I'm approaching him, taking a shaky breath. Trying to gather the words that I don't have to say. “I know you hate me right now. I know that you want answers, hell you want an explanation on why i haven't talked to you in over month.’’ My breath labors for a minute, I'm sobbing, the tears are flowing, my chest is rising, I'm not ready for this. I know nothing I say is ever going to change what I did to him. 

I try to take deep breaths but each one I take makes the tears fall even harder. Here I am crying on the sidewalk in front of my best friend. who might not even be my best friend anymore. Trying my best to give him an explanation on why I've been so horrible to him. Why I've cut him out of my life just because I love him. Oh god i love him, how do i tell him that?? 

I feel a hand wrap around my arm, that quickly pulls me back to reality. “Hey hey y/n, pretty girl please look at me.” I'm still sobbing at this point, I don't think the tears will ever stop. I slowly take my eyes up to his face. “That's good, now take a deep breath for me, in and out come on i know you can do it.” he says. Quinns hands are now on my cheeks trying to help me calm down. 

My breathing starts to slow down, my tears let up a little bit. Our eyes are still locked, never once leaving each other. I know I need to say something. I know I need to tell him how I feel. I slowly pull away from quinns hold, I'm now again looking at his feet. I take a deep breath, it's now or never I think. “I fell in love with you. Fuck quinn i was drownding in you. You were my best friend and I couldn't feel that way about you. I know you'd never want me in the way I wanted you. I needed space, I thought that if I was away from you it would help my feelings, that somehow I could get over it?? That I could forget about you?? I don't know!?!?! Just move on??”. “But seeing you tonight made me realize that I could never get over you, and that I could never stop loving you.” 

The tears on my face are falling like waterfalls, I sadly chuckle to myself as I try and wipe them away as more fall. “I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Nothing I say will probably make you forgive me. I understand i really really fucked up. But I won't say sorry for loving you. I love you and it's okay if you don't love me.”  I finally looked into Quinn's eyes, searching for anything. Anything. 

Before I can even register what's happening, Quinn’s hands are grabbing my face, pulling my lips to his. The kiss is fast, it's full of love and anger, sadness. All of the above. My lips struggle to keep up with him, my hands make their way to the back of his head, pulling him into me by the ends of his hair. A groan escapes his lips, as he pulls me even closer into him, if it's even possible. Our lips are moving at lightning speed, we can't get enough of each other. I don't want to ever stop kissing Quinn, it feels too good to ever want to stop. 

It feels like 5 years go by before Quinn pulls his lips from mine. Our chests are rising steadily. Eyes blown, swollen lips looking back at each other. “I've wanted to do that since I met you,” he says. My head is spinning, nothing that just happened feels real. Quinn sighs, grabbing my hands in his, his eyes never leaving mine. “I wish you would have told me how you felt. You would have known that I also love you. I've loved you for years. I thought i lost you y/n, i was going crazy with you. I thought you hated me. Baby I was drowning in you, I thought you knew, I wish you knew sooner.”

Quinn loves me? Quinn. Love. Me. my eyes are wide, his mouth is parted waiting for my reaction. Waiting for me to say something. I'm crying again before I know it again. A smile breaks on lips, i'm laughing, quinns laughing. I'm not sure if we know why. I pull his lips towards mine again. Feeling his smile on mine. “I love you''. I whisper to him in between each kiss. “I love you” he whispers back. 

I could drown in him forever, if it's on a sidewalk in front of a random bar. If it's a bed, a car. Hell even in a movie theater. I'd always drown for Quinn Hughes. 

[swampgallows]

.

complaining here because i dont want to burden my friends but still want to collect validation in the form of little pixel hearts

my moms mental state has gotten so much worse and as a result her hoarding is becoming even worse and even more impossible to tolerate. i have tried to have more sympathy about it and to help her with it, sitting with her while she sorts "a box a day" or even just "one thing a day". ive gently recommended she get a new therapist but all she did was change her horse on the SSRI carousel and start smoking weed. i've linked her articles and books and videos, and when she doesnt look at any of them i try to relay to her in conversation what i learned from them when she bemoans "why am i like this?". none of it matters. she just complains that it's "too overwhelming" and she "can't help it" even though she refuses any help at all.

i know it is a mental disorder. i know it is overwhelming. i know it causes her physical pain to get rid of things and at the same time cripples her with guilt to keep it all. but as of right now all we're trying to get her to do is just rearrange the things so that they aren't turning our house into a fucking obstacle course, and she pushes back on that too. like she doesn't want to even organize the piles AS THEY ARE and condense them because she'd rather be "actually throwing things away and putting things away like a human being!"—the thing that she very specifically CANNOT do.

and if we consolidate it on our own? hooooly christ. she goes on a fucking rampage, slamming doors, screaming/sobbing, throwing shit (her shit. it's all her shit). because it's HER stuff and WE touched it and she feels guilty about all her stuff. she STILL talks about when my sister tidied the spice cabinet, convinced that "she threw everything away!" and that was years ago. (my sister is a different kind of insane and probably DID throw a bunch of shit away, but either way all it did was give my mom ammunition for the rest of her life to never do anything.)

this is long enough already so all i can say is that im disappointed in myself for losing more of my tolerance and sympathy. like at this point the only reason i care is because i have to fucking live here since i havent been able to stay employed or move out yet and my mental health is also incredibly bad. but also my mom's becoming much more intolerant and hateful as a human being, which makes me less inclined to keep trying. like she deliberately brings up incendiary topics (usually politics), whips herself up into a cyclone of hatred (every '-ism' you can think of) while preemptively apologizing for things that she thinks that we think about the politics that she "doesn't like talking about" despite blatantly shifting the conversation to bring them up, then devolves into histrionic crying or yelling at us for something she has imagined. this is almost every day. i know she's my mom so im trying but christ alive

[theygotlost]

i know the discourse for it is long dead but now that ive finally gotten around to watching barbie and had some time to sleep on it I have my two cents to put in. this is probably the exact same as every other critical thinkpiece but I didn't really read those so this is my genuine opinion.

first of all, this is a two hour toy commercial. it's the same thing as a michael bay transformers movie. mattel sanctioned this to sell you a toy. I'm a firm believer that any message of social activism is inherently disingenuous if it's coming from a multimillion dollar corporation: a corporation's sole purpose is to make money, and they will use whatever political or social zeitgeist they think will be the best vehicle for that. the depiction of the mattel executives in the film is not a critique or satire, it's mattel openly admitting, "this but unironically".

second, I have very little interest in any message of "feminism" or "female empowerment" that does nothing to include women who aren't traditionally feminine. the closest the movie gets to this is weird barbie, so she was decidedly my favorite character (if I could convince myself that I care about the movie enough to have a favorite character), but she's "weird" and "different" in way that's still palatable to the masses. the human girl's mom (did she have a name?) makes the argument for a "normal barbie" who is not extraordinary or an overachiever or sets an impossible beauty standard, but still asks that this barbie gets to wear "a flattering top".

what I'm getting at here is that the type of "female empowerment" on display in the barbie movie is not one for gender nonconforming women or women who simply have no interest in performing femininity or adhering to feminine beauty standards. barbie may have an illustrious career as a doctor and astronaut and president and scientist and and and but in every iteration she's Pretty. she always wears makeup, has long, carefully styled hair, is almost always thin, and wears cute, form fitting outfits, usually with skirts and dresses. she can do anything she puts her mind to, have any career she wants, accomplish anything, just as long as she's also Pretty. if barbie is supposed to be a role model for little girls, what message is that sending them?

the stereotypical barbie falls into depression because she's "not pretty anymore", at which point a narrator cuts in to say directly to the audience, "margot robbie is not the right person to cast to make this point". as if acknowledging it somehow fixes it? like, you still did that. you still cast the thin, blonde, white, conventionally attractive margot robbie as the star of your feature length barbie doll commercial. telling me you realize how silly it is to say she's not pretty doesn't change that.

there will never be a butch barbie because that's not marketable. there will never be a barbie who doesn't wear makeup or has body hair or acne or is fat but not hourglass shaped. this is why we can't base our notions of feminism off a mass marketed plastic toy for children. the movie itself is like, fine. it did make me laugh. it has some endearing elements in it. but its sociopolitical messaging is totally lukewarm, and not by accident.

[daddyelliott1979]

Daddy and Boy; what's it like to have the other?

I really want these posts to set a standard, to be a window into our lives but also set a benchmark for what these relationships look like.

I want to start by sharing something from @squirtdaboi

Baby Riley

When my daddy asked me to write about what its like having a daddy i initially didn’t know what to write about. But after giving it some thought i have to say this.

Ive found myself being so much happier and its so nice having that crutch in my life. That one person that always there for me is so reassuring.

He makes me giggle, smile and blush all at the same time. He does these little things like playing with my hair and giving me tummy rubs when my tummy hurts.

The way he changes me is so fun!!!! He blows raspberries and puts cartoons on for me and he dosent care if i am stinky!! If anything he makes me blushy and encourages it! He helps me push my boundaries and be more confortable being myself around others!

He tucks me and my teddies in at night and he checks on me if i wake up. Oh!!! The other night he even changed me while i slept!!! Just knowing how gentle he was and the care he puts into our time makes everything so much better!

If I’m feeling anxious in public he makes sure I’m okay! He makes me squirm and get embarrassed but it doesn’t upset me, it makes me happy.

Bath times are great. I get to play and enjoy myself! Daddy pretends to hate when i splash him with water but i know he secretly loves it!

He makes me feel loved and happy and safe and when i go to see him i feel at ease and i can be tiny and not have a problem.

He also helps me with my ‘big feelings’ and is always there for me. He recently bought me 2 sets of earbuds to help with my sensory issues which he didn’t have to do!

He helps me figure out trains for coming to see him and we are currently looking at getting me a tablet too!

He’s so helpful and doesn’t mind listening to me talk about my problems and things that are going on. He lets me talk until I'm happy and then i can go right back to watching bluey.

He helps me push me to my limits when going out in public and lets me explore my way of doing things. He doesn’t force me to do anything at all. It’s honestly so nice.

I guess the main thing im trying to say is….

HE IS AMAZING!!!

Daddy's thoughts

Honestly reading that made me cry, I know this was a lot for him to do, but once again he proves he's such a sweet little boy and not the "bad" kid he's made out to be!

Here's what this boy means to me, in the short while that he's come into my life, he's turned it upside down in the best possible way!

His cheekiness makes it impossible not to smile, his smile makes it impossible to not feel happy, his whole face lights up as he barely contains his joy; and it's beautiful!

When he's here I have to stay close, and if I'm close he's got to snuggle, and I get moaned at if I don't. It's completely adorable!

He gets squirmy in public and tells me "shut up" emphasis on the "shuuuut uppp" hehe. It's adorable to watch!

He genuinely needs me in so many ways, so much that he makes me feel like a real Daddy, something I've not felt since my son was little.

The first time he said "I love you Daddy" made my heart melt, it came out of nowhere just as I was about to rush off to the corner shop for an emergency supply of wipes- he was very stinky and feeling very little.

He has the most adorable giggle, there's nothing better than giving him tickles!

He's not kidding about the splashes, I really do love how I end up wetter than him at bath time!

And at bed time I have to snuggle with him, he snuggles into my chest and stays there all night, sometimes I'm convinced he can't get close enough. The other day he turned around only to come back with my giant doggy stuffie, scooting in so I had to cuddle them both; and somehow he took up 3/4 of my bed and left me a sliver!

Honestly I love it when he comes, I hate it when he leaves; even though he's only 30 minutes away!

He's such a special boy, he's warm, he's kind, he's sweet and he's just a boy, who needs a Daddy to love, care and protect him! And I get to be that Daddy!

And that's freaking awesome!!

[celestie0]

ellie did you hear about the solar storm thing thats been going around?

my friend gave me a detailed explanation abt what it is whats going to happen n all n honestly i am TERRIFIED.

like it genuinely seems so real that i cant even convince myself that this is another one of those silly things that go around each year

the fact that research for this solar storm has been going on since 2019 is ???? scary ????

makes it seem more believable tbh bc if it was not real it wouldn't have been going on for so long

IM SO SCARED 😭 genuinely cried when my friend was telling me ab this and she also said thwt we'll get to know ab when the solar storm is going to hit about 30 minutes before AND NOW IM PARANOID BC IT CAN HIT ANY MOMENT NOOOOO

and to top this off my mother told me that not many ppl will survive till 2027 i have no idea where she got that from but she scared me even more

this is so bad.

hii my love yess ive heard of the solar storm, i know that solar flares in general have been talked about a lot for a while now but i didn’t know that there was recent news about it!

i’m sorry you’re experiencing anxiety regarding it :””( yeahh ive heard that solar flares are near impossible to predict in advance for a lot of reasons, so that can definitely heighten the fear

hm idk if it makes you feel better but i remember nasa n other news outlets were talking about solar storms the exact same way about a year ago (i just remember telling my dad ab it cuz he works in aerospace n figured his company might’ve been discussing it) but nothing happened at all within the six month period that the news had been freaking out about LOL. i panicked a lot then too n my dad said it was just fear mongering lmfaoo 💀 (he’s kind of a cynic though haha) but yea i just bring this up because it’s not the first time this sort of news has been sensationalized

following any sort of space stuff can be scary for sure n it’s super easy to get lost in article rabbit holes that can really disrupt your quality of life in the present :( but i think there have been multiple instances of space phenomena that have been hyped up in media (even by a lot of reputable news outlets) that have not really affected daily life as much as it was thought to (like the never ending cycle of news about new asteroids, the whole aliens thing, etc)

i think it’s important to remember that the scientists that are actually behind the research are completely different entities than the people writing up articles about it online, so you always have to take the news with a grain of salt or maybe try to look into accounts from the actual researchers behind the findings (who, more often than not i’ve found, don’t even panic about their own research to the level of extent a lot of media ppl do online haha)

i’m not saying i don’t believe in the possibility of a solar storm or anything like that lol i just think there’s a lot of tendency in news these days to scare tf outta people for no reason

also correct me if im wrong but the largest danger of a solar storm would be disruption of radio & internet frequencies right? i thought they werent actually powerful enough to cause any sort of biological radiation harm ;0 loss of internet access would definitely be a weird thing to see and could put stress on more developed countries, but a lot of the world doesnt even have internet access to begin with so i’m not sure how much it will actually affect livelihood (i’m aware that it’d affect a LOT of things for sure, but i’m talking ab dangers like life or death situations, n i just cant imagine that being the case? but if you’ve looked into that more than i have n have more to share then lemme know i’m really curious)

sorry, im just bringing this all up in hopes it helps w your fears, n not to invalidate them! bc i totally get it, it’s scary stuff esp when it’s stuff you feel like you have no control over. but there’s a lot of things in life we have no control over, i think it’s best to just focus on what we can control n just try to enjoy today :)

thank u for ask bb <3

[daydreaming-scheming-demon]

how can people make friends so easily? how the fuck is it even possible to make a friend? or even do anything with anyone? i've heard stories of ppl who can just have casual sex with strangers and im just thinking, how the fuck is that possible? i can't even get someone to want to talk to me, the online world has been the only place where i even have a chance to hold a conversation.

i've listened to people's fucking advice on how to make friends and none of it works. they say "oh, well if u keep showing up to the same group of people or whatever eventually u're sure to make some friends" and NO, THAT DOES NOT FUCKING WORK. they just turn you into a background character. they're not interested in anything you have to say or do, they tune you out, i've seen it.

when we went bowling i was put in a lane all by myself because the lane everyone was playing on was full. i've been kept out of playing mario party because there weren't enough controllers. ive sat through an entire dnd session without doing anything besides looking at a letter because the dm forgot about me.

i shouldn't even be mad about any of that. because if im gonna be honest with myself, even if i were put in the same lane as everyone, even if i were able to join in on mario party, even if i were included more in the dnd session, i highly doubt i would've been able to make any friends anyway. because that's just the kind of person i am. it's not like i don't try to force myself to be included, ppl just seem to naturally push me away.

and just to clarify, they don't push me away in the "i don't like you" kind of way, they push me in away in the "i don't care for you" kind of way. and honestly, i think id rather they hated me. because at least then they would care about me.

i thrive much better in the online world, but even then i still feel like i'm missing a manual on how friends are supposed to be made. i see people on steam with thirty something friends, and although im aware most are likely not very close to the person, im still very much all "how the fuck did u meet all those people".

i can't even remember the last time i had physical contact. i would hug my therapist but due to reasons beyond my control ive only been able to have online sessions with her.

quite a while ago i had an online friend who i'd talk with quite a lot. she was so nice to me, always brightened me up. we'd talk for hours about each other's troubles and such. we knew each other ever since i was 15 and she was 14. she was the only thing keeping me sane through all those years. but almost a year ago now, she ghosted me. i still don't know why she did it, she never said anything. i can still see her online, she just avoids me. this ruined me. i was only left to assume the worst, that there was something wrong with me, and i didnt know what.

now i freak out over being ignored, i convince myself everyone secretly hates me. i know im probably wrong, it's not all about me. but i can't stop myself from thinking the worst. i fixate over if anyone will ghost me like she did. im trying to get over this, slowly but hopefully surely.

i have massive amounts of self hatred that feel impossible to get over. i cant think of a day where i havent told myself i hate myself, and recently ive been telling myself to kill myself more frequently. i want anyone who says "how can you expect others to love you when you can't even love yourself" to go die in a volcano. by the time i'm able to solve this self hatred problem i'd probably have already died from loneliness.

for fuck's sake, im venting on tumblr to whoever happens to see this. because i have nobody to fucking go to to express these feelings. i have nobody, so im venting to fucking tumblr. fuck.

i just wish i had someone.

[stuckinapril]

im surprised you want to know more! if youre curious, for a while ive had this contradicting low self esteem and overconfidence thing going on that always confused me. i thought both lowly and highly of myself. outwardly im very anxious because of it. im pretty perfectionistic and i feel this need to live up to some impossible standard that i perceive as wholly possible. that i am the one that can achieve that standard while no one else can (and i dont expect them to). but after a few sessions we figured out that it was that sort of belief that was protecting me from how i really felt about myself. if i continue to expect amazing feats from myself, i dont have to continue to feel like im good for nothing. but at the same time, it made me high strung and nervous beyond belief because every day was a performance act so i could continue to convince myself and others of the inherent value i didnt believe i had. all of that seemed to stem from how i was continuously ignored and forgotten when i was younger

-overconfident anon

omg omg this hits so close to home. i think i probably used to(?) have this to a less severe extent, but everything you're saying is literally so relatable. did your therapist give you methods for how to combat this kind of thinking/not always be in performance mode?

[lizziesnosescrunch]

ok so ur thay’s blossom right? would u mind answering the same questions as this? y’know so we can see compare with love and adoration for us guys? <3

Ah, of course! Let’s see…

I - What do you think about before you fall asleep? There’s a lot of crazy stuff that just rolls around up there but there’s always one thing that’salways a consistent thought — or rather, someone. 😌

II - What's your favourite thing about being in a relationship (past or present)? The comfort and security of another person, it’s nice to share soft, intimate moments with someone you care deeply for while knowing they’re just crazy about spending time with you no matter how you end up doing it. I want to know all about your day and at the same time be the person that gives you the amount of comfort you need. You be my safe place and I’ll be yours. Truthfully though, if you make me happy, you’d be my favourite part of the commitment.

III - What is your idea of a perfect date? Something casual. We could just stay at home, maybe make dinner together and then watch something we’re both interested in. Stay cooped in for the night, snuggled in tight just enjoying each others company.

IV - What's your biggest weakness? I tend to overthink my way out of things — or into irrational outcomes. I may blow things out of proportion because I’m… afraid or convinced I’m not good enough. 🤷🏼‍♀️ But it’s not an impossible task to ground me in those situations.

V - What makes you nervous? Life. I’m an anxious mess, so there’s no one answer. Just everything.

VI - Who inspires you to be a better person? I think it’s more so people who are not as accepting or rude, judgmental and narrow minded — people like that inspire me to rise above all that negativity, I do believe it only holds you back. It’s better to live seeing the good in everything rather than nitpicking at things that don’t matter as much as you’re making them out to. It’s a waste of energy.

VII - What instantly makes someone attractive to you? Other than their general personality, someone who contrasts with me in certain areas. I’m attracted to people who are a little extroverted — I’m very introverted so I need that. Someone who I’d like to step out of my comfort zone with, who would gently coax me out of my shell but wouldn’t push it and would be supportive and patient, and understanding with me. People who are down to earth and true to themselves. Who pride themselves on what makes them unique, people who don’t try and fit in, who enjoy being who they are. How they interact with others is also something I’d notice, a healthy amount of confidence is attractive but I like a good sense of humour — my own can be a bit dark and morbid so if someone can appreciate that, they’re definitely a person I’d want to spend more time with.

VII - Online dating. Yes or no? For the right person, yes.

IX - Are you looking for a relationship and what would be a big red flag in that sort of commitment? I wouldn’t say looking, I like the idea of falling into someone, getting lost in that one person and being driven by feeling and emotion. Feeling the need to look and seek out a relationship seems stressful, if it happens it happens. But I won’t deny the thought that being with someone completely isn’t appealing to me because, well, it is. As for red flags, I think constant narcissistic behaviour (and maybe just narcissism in general) would be one of them.

X - Would you ever make a playlist for someone? I think the idea is sweet and I’d absolutely melt if someone did that for me, so yes I would (or at least attempt to).

XI - If you could move anywhere in the world where would you go? God, I’ve been wanting to get out of this place for years. 😪 The world is a big place, I love the idea of travelling and experiencing new places but to settle down? You know, Brazil has a very nice appeal to it, I could see myself gravitating there. 🥰

XII - What three things would you bring with you to a deserted island? So, a lighter, merely for survival reasons — I think I could stave of my addictions in a situation like this. 🤭 My dog, or someone who’d be good company, and a warm fluffy blanket that smells like home.

XIII - Do body types matter to you? Not in the slightest. If I love who you are as a person, you can come in any shape, size or form and I’ll fall for you all over again. It doesn’t matter, you’ll still be the most beautiful person in the world to me.

[thisdreamplace]

https://at.tumblr.com/thisdreamplace/702717505374945280/b9zigsjsv3a6

Yessss I heard that Neville had those experiences. The reddit one you mention sounds very interesting 😍

Tbh, I came to the law just because I wanted a text from a guy lol, but when I started reading more, it became more interesting how some people talk about manifesting things out of thin air or having these manifestations that are unbelievable to the human mind like what you mention about Neville and the guy from reddit. It sounds tempting to try.

I think it's interesting how the mind works you know, because like I was mentioning the thing about dreams, in that moment we are another version of ourselves. This reminds me of what Neville mentioned of how we have to persuade ourselves to the point where we become that person that we want to be, and doing so is not impossible because we do it all the time in dreams. The brain doing those things, is the same brain we have while we're awake. Except that when we're awake we have the conscious part of the mind questioning and rationalizing everything. And also the fact that we believe that a natural process has to take place for things to happen. In the scenario of me graduating I would most likely start questioning myself, but imagine if I woke up one day and it felt like "oh shit, I just had a dream in which I had not graduated yet" and felt completely convinced of my new reality omg 😅

I saw this video yesterday of a woman talking about shifting timelines and saying that our nervous systems would go crazy if things manifested out of thin air, but... would it? Really? I'm starting to believe that it is something that we've made up to trust the process and not stress about things taking time. But whatever, I was just contemplating how cool our minds are while dreaming and how cool would it be to have such mind control while awake.

hahah tbh i think thats so normal. so many people find the law over a sp then this whole entire world opens !

i think that when it comes to persuading ourselves we are the person we want to be, we just get into our own way bc we are so engrossed in fear and the comfort zone. we often want someone to validate us before we can be who we want to be. like. just imagine what you wear everyday. now imagine tomorrow, you decideed to wear the most outrageous, unique clothing and go out that way. you wouldnt even make out the door without your family making comments. let alone going out into the world and getting stared at ! this is why so many people cant persuade themselves. bc thats how it feels to be someone new. i hope that analogy makes sense lol so it makes sense how difficult it feels, but its really only ever us holding ourselves back.

tbh idk what to think !! i used to think we made it up, but now i dont think so. i think its part of us having chosen to come live lives in this place of duality and human experience. even in my revision successes, they happened so naturally. ive definitely been questioning the idea of bypassing the human experience. like i know theres been many accounts of shifting things, but i dont know anyone who has done so in a major mystic way. or if they did so, they came back to this dimension at the end of it and resumed life as normal (like going to the worlds). so all i can say is ! try it ! see how far you can push the limits in your own experience ! i'd love to hear about what your journey is like, so keep me updated. it's definitely an interesting topic ! :)

[keefwho]

October 15 - 2024 Tuesday

8:43am

I keep wasting time and feeling bad about myself. But thats because I do not have the heart to do anything in the first place. Theres a billion things I could be doing but I don't care about any of them. So I waste a little too much time scrolling twitter or watching videos and next thing you know I've been up for 2 hours and haven't even finished my morning routine. Completely sabotages my whole day going forward. Then I feel like a loser and rightfully so. I'm not living up to my own expectations, I'm not being "good" by my standards. And I don't think my standards are high. I feel bad because I hardly even tried. I didn't make an attempt to lock in, I gave up as soon as I was awake.

9:47am

I had a dream I was being asked if I was okay and that its kind of all I really wanted. Its funny because I heard a discord notification while I was half asleep and conjured up what I wanted it to say. But I've done that before. I especially used to eagerly await a morning message and sometimes I'd dream about them after waking up halfway through the night.

Dreams suck though, I'm on the verge of ignoring them because of how involved I got in one the other night. It's always been annoying how they give me a predisposition to feel a certain way upon waking, sometimes towards specific people which is not fair. I want to remember that they are not real, even if they can be a projection of my feelings. I know better than to act on pure emotion which is what dreams lead me to do.

9:54pm

4.5/10

Ive been so sucked into my own head and my past lately. I almost don't want to break free because I like consistency so much. Its dumb but that stops me from wanting to embrace better feelings/behavior. Maybe out of some desire for control/cohesion I want to stay the same way even if it's negative. However the trauma book said that people with inflexible frontal lobes tend to become creatures of habit which also makes their relationships routine and superficial. I am a creature of habit and my relationships seem routine. The more we study this book, the more convinced I am that my childhood was in fact "traumatic" and I never moved past it.

Lately especially I do not feel like a person and by extension I haven't been able to see others as people. I can't make a connection. This sucks because I not only feel lonely but my relationships suffer too. And they can tell. That in itself makes me feel like it's hopeless, like I've already screwed up and they are going to leave me now.

I'm irritated because I was doing good for a little while. I felt confident in myself, my abilities, and where I was going. I was feeling independent which was strengthening my bonds. Then I fell out of it and now I'm here. Once again unable to see hope or dream of the future, another symptom of trauma. I can't look forward if I'm looking back.

I think I might tend to pursue the unavailable because it's familiar to me to fight for everything, but it's been resulting in a feedback loop thats been causing my self image to get worse over time. Of course when I seek the impossible and constantly fail, I'm going to start feeling worse about myself. This comes in the form of people that won't make plans or that cannot meet my needs. But I stick around anyways, hoping they will. Thinking if I fight hard enough that they will be inclined to give back like they always wanted to but just hadn't yet. Absolute delusion. Seeking anything from anyone is being shown to be a bad idea. Or seeking specific kinds of people or relationships. I should be seeking myself and who I am which is when bonds form naturally. I've learned this from experience. I should never give up who I am for someone or go out of my way to chase a fantasy. I'd like to stay grounded in what is real and actually happening.

[sky-forest-inn]

personal letter writing / sort of a vent

feel free to ignore i dont care, it’s directed at one person and they know who they are, but it’s whatever

ive already said it a thousand times but its near impossible for me to just not ever say it

it’s uncanny, weird, off putting, strange, any synonym of peculiar, just how painfully similar you are to him

you forgive just as easily as he does

i’ll make you a huge promise and i’ll break it, i’ll hurt you immensely even if unintentionally

i’d hide. cower away. swear you’d never want to see me ever again. gods you’d just kill me if you saw my face again

but just like he did, you smiled. you comforted me, reassured me, that no matter what stupid promise i broke, you still cared about me

you talk just like he does. i kind of almost hate it. you are two such diverse people, yet you’ll reassure me just like you were the same person. i could almost be convinced you were a mere reincarnation of him with a side of extra flavour

it makes me feel safe. although feeling safe was what lead to me becoming a paranoid freak this whole time, but when i let myself feel safe, i really feel it

i see myself in your arms, just like i’d be in his. i see you smile when i show my face and prove i’m still alive and breathing, just like he would. i hear your voice like it’s his, even knowing you both sound totally different. it’s scary how much i envision him in you

and honest to gods, it’s so damn embarrassing, but it makes me fall in love with you so much more. i wish i could let go, i wish i could just let it ebb, but gods you make it impossible not to love you any more than i already do. especially when you’re like a near identical image of the one i had vowed my life to

gods i love you so much

and you make me hope more that one day, i will finally heal enough to be okay with it

thank you. so ffucking much. from the bottom of my heart

[moedollita]

i want to say " i wish i could start it all over " but that is a lie , although not deliberate , because i've repeatedly convinced myself despite series of factory resets of my ' being ' that everything will clean itself up if i reincarnate myself into a different person . ive made a mess of every persona i've ever had . while trying to introduce all these artificial threads of ' self ' to recognize what is me ive tangled myself to suffocation . my ' values ' , my ' interests ' , my ' aesthetics ' . it all feels like the purest incarnate of a lie , despite it being impossible to be recognized as lies because there is no truth . i want to say that every new persona is me coating myself with another layer of paint that will eventually get chipped away to reveal what is the true and ugly me , but even i dont feel like that's the ' truth ' . it's not that i don't recognize myself because of how many layers of ' person ' i've painted onto myself , there is simply nothing to recognize . the paint cant chip to ' reveal ' because there is no ' me ' to ' reveal ' . how am i feasibly able to say that i pretend when i have no form behind that borrowed skin ? wouldn't it mean that the thing i'm pretending to be at any given time is the true me ? it can't be a lie , therefore it cant be the truth , maybe it is both at the same time

[wolfisland]

cont

its just absurd genuinely it blows my mind how much better my mental health has gotten now that ive let myself kind of. address it? i spent years deflecting and while i learned lots of strategies for not Lashing Out On My Loved Ones, my self perception was still so fucked. its very very very frustrating that ive had professionals be like "well youre not that self destructive and youre very self aware so we dont think its that-" like yeah bc i was in therapy for 10 years for ANOTHER PERSONALITY DISORDER. therapy that specifically emphasized self awareness frankly to a degree that it worsened my ocd!!! im 24 i dont lash out like a child or cut myself every time im in a bad mood anymore.

i do feel completely worthless on a regular basis for not achieving more and set impossible standards for myself and compare myself to literally everyone to make myself feel better OR pile on myself out of self pity! i am deeply arrogant and i can be extremely entitled and am absolutely downright malicious and explosive when questioned or condescended to. im avoidant of situations that i think i wouldn't straight up excel in above others let alone FAIL. delusions of grandeur superiority complex power fantasies hyper critical etc etc etc.

like idk how to fucking tell ppl that its literally just misogyny that i was diagnosed w hpd over npd. i do not have fucking hpd. i am CONFIDENT i do not have hpd and was misdiagnosed to a degree that ive directly challenged my therapist over this multiple times bc miss one hour a week with me vs my 24/7 stuck in my own head was convinced somehow bc she didnt see my breakdowns or hear my internal monologue that actually no im too sensitive to be a narcissist. ma'am im the most self absorbed person i fucking know, its years of therapy thats made me as sensitive to other peoples needs and feelings as i am. not some innate god given sense of empathy from Girl Disorders.

like i learned to manage my shit bc of 2 decades of medical neglect bro, ive spent years documenting my own mental and physical health so i had proof for assessments. i sat on this for years til i felt certain the same way i documented my bipolar episodes for a year to prove i knew what the fuck i was talking about. because i did and do know! wild. its almost like i know myself.

personality disorder ruminations

its legitimately fucking nuts to me how much more sense my life and brain made once i realised i had npd. spent the better part of 10 years being treated solely for bpd and yeah sure it helped me limit how i acted out but it never actually addressed most of those underlying deep rooted issues. once i kinda got over myself and finally admitted i was pretty dead fucking sure i had The Abuser Disorder i actually became way less of a cunt. wild. probably because i was actually able to start dealing with my shit instead of using bandaid fixes for a disorder that i didnt have (hpd, which was the comorbid dx i got with bpd. im def bpd, but hpd? no.)

[zapsoda]

i think ive had a very different experience with religion compared to other people who went through a similar experience with it to me.

religion and belief fascinate me. in a good way. i support everyones right to their own faith. ive always been forced to see it from somewhat of an outsiders perspective though despite being raised pretty religiously in the deep south.

maybe its because my parents themselves werent very religious, but i was never able to truly believe. it never got through to me. i tried witchcraft and wiccan spirituality when i was over and while i felt i was getting closer to this faith, it still never stuck.

growing up, believing in god was the default.

i had this thing where, based on what other people around me did and how they treated me, i would think that it was actually true of myself. i convinced myself that my favorite color was pink, like it was a rule. everything i owned or wore should have been pink or else something was wrong. whenever asked, i would say my favorite color was pink. not once did i ever really think about whether or not i really liked the color pink. it was just my favorite color and therefore having things in it was good! it made me happy.

in the same way, i thought i believed in god. i didnt think about it much when i was very very little. i went to church. we played games and had snacks and heard bible stories.

when i got a little older things got a little more serious. we learned about the rules to get to heaven. the three things you needed to do, your abcs. and one of them was to believe. to believe that god was real, that jesus was his son, and that jesus died on the cross for our sins. and i thought, well of course i believe this. and for a while, i didnt think about this much more. if i said i believed, it must have been true. why wouldnt it have been true? it was a long while.

looking back, i dont think i ever truly believed. i think it was like the color pink. one had to believe, and so i did.

i remember many anecdotes where i questioned the little things religious teachers and media told me. the story of the rainbow perplexed me. if god made it than why did my teacher say it was made by sunlight shining through rain or something those lines. i didnt understand that what they meant was that god made that the result of sunlight and rain.

another example, i believe this was before the previous one chronologically, i was sitting in class. im not sure what made me think of it but i had the concept of jesus being is ones heart and listening to ones heart, and i didnt get it. i didnt hear anything in there. i didnt feel anything in there. was jesus not in my heart? i decided that he was there and i could feel it despite the evidence otherwise and moved on.

my final example: sitting in the car with my aunt and cousins on my mothers side, who were, in fact, very religious. we were close growing up, and i think they played a significant part in my religious journey. we were listening to some kids christian music album, i remember "big apple" being in the title, and i dont remember how it sounded at all but i do remember it saying, in shockingly literal words, that one should love god more than their parents. this was always implied, of course, god was the most important. but to really hear it spelled out like this shook me to my core. i remember hearing it and looking at my aunt thinking, could she really believe this? i waited for her to tell us that it was wrong. i dont remember if this really happened or not but i have this vision in my head of my cousins asking her about it and her affirming that it was true.

i didnt think i could love god more than my parents. i didnt put this into words at the time but god felt so far away from me, compared to my parents who felt so real. my parents raised me, loved me, and cared for me. god was this far off being, who i was told was all knowing, all powerful, and all loving, impossible to comprehend for a kid my age.

i found out my parents werent religious when i came home from sunday school the day i learned about the abcs and i, of course, had to make sure my parents had done those things so that they could go to heaven.

my dad said he wasnt interested. he was an atheist, and wasnt interested in being converted. my mother said she was more agnostic but that she had probably done those things earlier in her life when she was religious. and naturally, this horrified me.

i didnt want to go to heaven without my parents. i used to kiss all of my stuffed animals goodnight before bed so that they knew i loved them. if i ever forgot to say "goodnight, i love you, sleep well" to my parents before bed i would whisper it in the dark with tears streaming down my cheeks, hoping that they would know on the off chance that they died in their sleep last night. i didnt want to go to heaven without my parents.

of course, this all culminated in me "officially" losing my religion. soon after that incident, i decided that if my parents werent to believe, i wouldnt either. it was as simple as that. it was as simple to "not believe" as it was for me to "believe" in the first place. like turning off a light switch.

of course it wasnt so easy for me being in the deep south with such a religious family. it was hard and the thought of religion still distressed me. it was scary not being able to say "oh yeah i believe that" anymore. i dont even remember when i stopped going to church. its harder to remember the things i didnt do. i do remember one kid who went to my church asking me why i stopped going.

in an event that i feel permanently scarred the relationship between me and my cousin, as we had always been very close, he had initially put on some christian song while we were hanging out. it was by owl city. i didnt like it and i expressed that to him. he said oh you dont like this song? well its about god, so youre saying you dont like god? he had caught me in his elementary school logic. i was done for. i got upset and defensive and ran to another room, locked the door, and hid until, if i remember correctly, he and his family left. we never spoke of this again.

in a more positive experience of "coming out" as an atheist, i told my best friend at the time, and for a while she chanted "[my name]s going to die" in a lighthearted tone which was a little annoying but didnt really bother me, surprisingly, and then she moved on and our relationship remained the same until the last time i saw her.

later on in life, though still at an extremely young age to be doing this, i discovered feminism, politics, and youtube atheism. i realized i was "gay," began experiencing gender dysphoria and anxiety, and i became a massive nihilist. the middle two were unrelated to the politics and youtube atheism or skepticism. i was anti-religion and i was angry. i was upset at how id been raised, the beliefs many people around me almost certainly held, the idea that they would stop loving me had they known certain things about me, and all of the pain and confusion it had caused me at an even younger age. my anxiety around being preached to existed ever since my initial realization, and this staunch disliking lessened it. there were other people like me.

i dont believe that anymore of course. long since, ive realized that religion is not inherently evil, nor those who engage with it, and that, in fact, religion can bring good and helps a lot of people. i think everyone has the right to believe whatever they want so long as it doesnt harm anyone.

this brings me to my point about being fascinated with religion a. its something that has been a massive presence throughout time, across societies. my anxiety around religion has almost entirely dissipated by this point in my life, and now i kind of want to know. how do they do it? how are people able to believe in a higher power, or force, or presence? how does it feel? ive long since concluded that im not capable of it, trying many times with different spiritualities to really connect but i feel so much like an outsider no matter what. im almost jealous of even those who no longer believe but once did. its not something that eats me up inside, and i dont even think about it, but still i wonder. maybe thats something ill never get to experience. realistically, maybe im glad its not. nonetheless, i have massive respect for those who do and can. thank you.

[probably-haven]

Hello!! After seeing what you wrote about xiaoven fics I went to see what things you usually write and omg, your archon Venti headcanons????? I am absolutely in love. So if it isn't annoying, could you talk about xiaoven or Venti or Xiao or whatever ship or character you like? I don't care what you are going to say, I just want to know more about your thoughts ^^

I- is this... bestie, this is essentially a free ramble pass- kerujsgheskdfug. Trust me when I say that in no way is this, and in no way will it ever be annoying in the slightest- i literally- lets just say rambling off thoughts is kind of my specialty, especially when provided a topic to branch off of because otherwise I'm just- really indecisive about it so- iujskdh yeah- 100% definitely down to talk about Venti, Xiao, and/or Xiaoven XD. Also, yes- it may have been awhile since i last posted one(cuz again, indecisive about which direction to take part 5), but the Archon War Era Venti headcanons are still without a doubt my favorite posts I've made. It's just such an interesting topic with such endless potential that so few people actually think about or consider or even realize is there, so i always just get really psyched whenever i see someone interact with them lol.

.... this ended up being a bit of a mess: warning in advance

Anyway! onto the actual content!

- You see the thing about Xiaoven is that there's a lot of different ways that it could end up working out, and just personally my favorite way of portraying Xiaoven in my mind is as an unlabeled relationship because if anyone in genshin would give off that vibe its these two. And a number of other reasons.

- Firstly, I heavily headcanon Venti as being an aroace polyplatonic or perhaps heavily demiromantic. However, regardless of this I just don't think that Venti is really the kind of person to worry about how he should label his feelings, thinking it's silly to try to put them in one box or the other, especially with feelings and emotions being as fluid as they are in general. Plus it fits his whole God of Freedom vibe. I just- dont think he's the biggest fan of labels or social categorization in general.

- And secondly on the hand of Xiao... his defense mechanisms are very much ingrained in his personality. It's probably hard enough for him to not go into fight or flight(the answer is fight) at the slightest affection at first, at the slightest feeling of vulnerability. Even further down the line, with his fierce dedication to Liyue, I cant help but get the vibe that the moment he recognized that he was falling for Venti he would begin avoiding him, not only to avoid distraction from his duty, but to avoid corrupting him or losing him in general like he has with like basically every other person he gets close with(even believing that the cycle had repeated once more when he first heard of Morax's death)... now imagine Venti tryna slap a label on their relationship and tell me Xiao would have a positive reaction.

- The thing with Xiaoven.... honestly, i feel like theres more ways that it can go wrong than it can go right, but if they do manage to make their relationship work out, it's just simply beautiful in all terms of the word.

- Lets talk about killing. - During the Archon War, both were forced to kill a large number of people and gods alike- Venti out of a need to remain alive to protect Mondstadt, it's freedom, and the nameless bard's legacy by extent- and Xiao out of servitude to the god that was once his master

..... actually- break here- ive talked a lot about Venti on this blog but I havent actually spoken about Xiao all that much- so i should probably do that a bit first... do note though that my characterization of Xiao is pretty flexible actually- this is just- the possible characterization of him that i tend to favor as being the most- uh- "realistically complex"

-

Theres a line I saw this one time in a certain story: "He is a trained weapon. That's what he is, was, and always will be. You cannot change that so stop trying." And i just- think its a really interesting concept- that applies pretty well to Xiao now that i actually think about it. - the concept behind it is this: After spending more than a vast majority of his life killing or otherwise in battle, it's become a part of who he is, a normalcy that after centuries and centuries would be near impossible to get rid of or reverse, and even if it was possible, with his karmic debt constantly eating away at him its unlikely he has enough time left for that to happen. - it sounds like a cruel thing to say about him- but in context it's actually pretty layered and i think about it a lot. It's not as much a "he's a killer lol, that his whole personality" its more of a "The centuries of trauma he experienced have conditioned him into a constantly alert and battle ready mindset while also shaping his dehumanizing inferior-in-worth-but-superior-in-capability view of himself that would have likely been necessary to get through those time, and at this point he's been under that conditioning for long enough that it's essentially ingrained itself in his personality."

- the main idea is- it's a part of who he is, that needs to be accepted as who he is because its not something that he can just up and change. It's not all he is of course but his constant battle mode, as though always waiting to be ambushed or to be granted a new target to eradicate.

a couple character story quotes:

-"His past of service under the evil god had rid Xiao of his innocence and gentleness. All that remained within him was the means to kill and the weight of his sins. The only way he could be of service to mortals was in combat." -"Xiao does not feel any hatred. Having lived for over two thousand years, no single karmic debt constitutes anything more than a fleeting memory. No grudge can last a thousand years; nor is any debt so great that it cannot be paid off in this time. Xiao has spent many long years alone. But his battles have never been in vain." -"where did Xiao have to return to? He was merely leaving the battlefield." -"since Xiao wages a constant war against dark forces powerful enough to devour Liyue in its entirety, any bystanders who witness him in the heat of battle are likely to end up as collateral damage." -"The war he fights can never be won, and will never come to an end." -"Because ultimately, the one with whom Xiao wrestles is himself."

i feel like at some point this very nearly did consume his whole personality, almost turning him into nothing more than a being of slaughter under Morax's control, devoid of any "humanity" at all, consumed and corrupted by his karmic debt like his fellow yakshas before him. - until he experienced a moment of clarity- a song in the wind, the peaceful melody of a dihua flute. - and pulled back from the border of something he wouldnt have been able to return from, there a was a shift in his mind- a concept grown unfamiliar enough with time that it took him a great time to identify what it was; a curiosity. Something that there was no place for on the battlefield, something that by all means should have been completely useless to Xiao, and yet he held onto that curiosity, slowly regaining over time, a sense of who he was and who he could choose to be with each song that the wind chose to carry towards him every once in a blue moon.

and eventually that curiousity turned to longing. Longing "for a day to come when he will wear the mask and dance — not to conquer demons, but to the tune of that flute amid a sea of flowers"

...... uh- heh- if you couldn’t tell already i have a tendency to make my characterizations/analyses of characters more serious that i probably should. 

to summarize: Xiao is constantly toeing the line between his ingrained nature and his humanity- almost as though still trying to decide how much of that humanity he deserves to have, how much he is allowed to have, and how much is safe to have.

^looking back after writing this, i think the best way to explain it is that this is the view that i keep in mind/the lense that i tend to most enjoy looking through and refering back to while examining and/or analyzing his character, actions, story, lines, and overall personality.

idk- i kinda got off track but i just think its a really interesting interpretation to think about because it has some really interesting implications ig- it’s not the full extent of how i view him of course, but i kinda got ahead of myself and its long enough as is so ill just elaborate as i go- Lol i actually have in progress playlists for both him and venti and just- vibes- i could ramble about the playlists alone for hours explaining everything... It’s probably a problem- uh- ill keep going now lol.

anyways! stepping off the angst path for a brief break! Brought to you by their lines in the snow: both waiting for it to get thick enough, Venti for the purpose of a snowball fight and Xiao for the purpose of a tasty and nutritious breakfast.

but its actually something of note that Xiao doesnt actually need to eat so anything he does eat is usually out of obligation or enjoyment- so like.... snow.... like i dont blame him, but of all things- an adeptus who refuses to eat basically anything but almond tofu looks at the freezing-cold-floor-water that yeeted itself from above and decided at some point- damn- that seems more edible than basically ever single actually edible thing ever.... im gonna eat it- like- im glad if eating snow makes him happy but- at the same time...

He probably convinces Venti to eat snow too though and Venti wouldnt even resist I mean he’s wind and has probably consumed worse things in his time so- 2 anemo cryptids with glowing tattoos sitting in Dragonspine monching snow in the dead of night is an amusing thought to me.

- kay, now back to more serious-toned thoughts

One of the things about the ship that i really like is the different contradicting parallels between them:

A lot of how i view Xiao’s character is someone formed largely by the things he cant control and who was forced to accept that accepted that and learned to thrive in it as much as he can.  Venti on the other hand is surrounded by things he cant control and is ever adapting to control as much as he can while embracing whatever he cant as being part of the unpredictability of the world, seeing beauty in it. 

both of them have lost people and do what they do to honor their memory: Xiao continues to do what the Yakshas once did And Venti chooses to do what his friend couldn’t

Xiao’s power coming from himself  and Venti’s from others And both seem to appear to use their power for their own gain while truly helping others behind the scenes

both have killed a lot of people during the archon war Xiao views it as another necessary event out of his control and Venti would likely view it as a tragedy he chose to enact himself

and this is where we meet out balance

Xiao- contrary to how i think a lot of people view him as thinking of himself as a monster- seems canonically to have accepted this as part of his duty, as long as those he killed are not mortals. I dont think he enjoys it no- but someone has to do it and he’s just accepted that its a part of his duty Venti on the other hand-

See the beauty of the ship- as someone with an angst-centric mind- is this- these are two of the most traumatized mfers in the game 

Xiao is by far the one who needs the most help and who can serve to benefit most from the ship- but he is nowhere near self aware enough to recognize that there’s anything wrong or unhealthy about his mindset in the slightest-

whereas you have the contrast with Venti who sorted through most of his trauma with the nameless bard alone during the archon war and while the result appears more healthy- is still really not- but he’s not self aware of that either because i mean- who’s going to tell him? nobody even knows. 

however- venti is aware enough to notice flaws in Xiao’s mindset and “Venti” enough to want to help them through it-

Xiao- while not aware enough to recognize the flaws in Venti’s mindset, can recognize where it contrasts with his own, and is blunt enough to point it out- and then it’s out there to be mulled over- 

they’re so similar and yet so different and a feel just conversing between the two of them, being in each others precense, just being exposed to two mindsets that are so very different could do both of them a whole lot of good.

GEEE THAT BIT OF RAMBLING HAD LITTLE TO NO DIRECTION AT ALL- LET ME-- LET ME MAKE THIS START MAKING SENSE- WITH... DYNAMICS OR SOMETHING

I don’t think Xiao needs to sleep really- and i dont think that sleeping would do anything except make him uneasy at first- he’d probably just get nightmares after all he’s been through- but with Venti he would soon learn that it doesn’t have to be that way, lulled into the first peaceful sleep he’s had in... as long as he can remember.

anywho back to not making sense cuz im fickle and i think most questions about ships are best displayed through character interactions so like- a possible exchange thats cliche but cliches exist for a reason

Xiao: Why do you try so hard to help me, it isn’t easy. I know that much Venti, with the most adoring expression: Because you’re worth it, obviously Xiao: But surely there are others more deserving of- Venti: No Xiao, everyone is just as deserving as the next person, you included Xiao: Then why me above others? Venti: ehe, cuz ur my warrior of course [O//////O oh shit, hes right] Xiao: My contract is with Morax alone [gay panic but in broody yaksha]

it’s kinda difficult cuz neither of them really address their feelings.  I mean Venti does but he does it very indirectly and its rare that he ever does it with like- genuine directness- even spilling his backstory was in the form of a song- and told in the third person- so a lot of their interactions would often have some deeper meaning, especially with Venti being the bard he is. 

I come up with a lot of- errant thoughts about Xiaoven- but this is making me realize that a true analysis of their ship is rather difficult because it just encompasses so many dynamics so its hard to settle on just one and not go rambling about who knows what bouncing from one end of the ship to the other-  Because you truly can and thats the beauty of it

within one moment you can be having a heartfelt conversation about the archon war the impact of lost friends and times past, and the next moment Venti is trying to forcefeed Xiao an apple while Xiao screams about disrespecting the adepti and its just- so lovely

so while they have picnics with nothing but apples, dandelion wine, and almond tofu they can sit down and talk about the dreams Xiao once devoured, and the dandelion wine and apple cider that the first Ragnvindir invented from the plants that never could have grown in Old Mond. The foods that tasted of familiarity, or of the grilled ticker fish Pervases always used to eat, foods that tasted of friends and frankly family that had since passed, glaze lilies and cecilias and qingxin flowers scattered in the surroundings and woven into Xiao’s neat braids and Venti’s now messy ones, rebraided by the steady and inexperienced hands of one unused to gentle action. 

and then of course Venti steals Xiao’s tofu once the mood becomes too grim and replaces it with a bottle of wine that Xiao refers to as “vile poison,” a remark that fatally wounds Venti as he collapses on the floor, proclaiming how he can only be healed by a Yaksha’s kiss. Xiao ignores this of course and simply takes back his tofu with a slight smile on his face, but as Venti persists he soundlessly places a kiss on his own palm before intertwining their fingers and pulling him back up from where he was dramatically sprawled on the floor, grumbling about how such action was “unbecoming of an archon.” A sign of affection only Xiao would ever know about. But Venti is literally wind and I hc his senses work differently anyways so he definitely knows- plus Xiao’s face is red as the blood of his enemies and the way he is pointedly not looking at Venti at all really speaks volumes anyways. 

 -Venti playing epic battle music whenever Xiao goes into fights in what looks like a ridiculously extra performance to anyone else but is actually doing wonders to keep Xiao’s karma at bay

-Venti preaches the practice of “kissing wounds better” and Xiao is unfamiliar with this medical treatment but views it as unnecessary regardless because adepti have accelerated healing, doesn’t mean he’s going to stop him though. 

-Messages whispered on the wind

-Venti’s 1000 year sleep- an accident, not a fun time for the yaksha, and not a fun time for Venti once he woke up. Venti is actually more afraid of restful sleep than Xiao is, hence the sleeping in trees thing, but when Xiao is there, he can sleep restfully with faith that Xiao wont let another millennia slip through his fingertips. 

- Xiao tends to make excuses when doing things that aren’t necessary to his duty, like in his birthday voice line “Have this, it’s a butterfly i made from leaves... Okay. Take it. It’s an adepti amulet -- it staves off evil” because at the current point in his progress it helps him to feel like he’s allowed to do these things. Not wanting to put him off from progress, Venti never comments on his excuse but never fails to whisper a quick reminder of how proud he is of how far Xiao had come.

- Xiao’s karma saddens Venti greatly- not only because of how it effects Xiao but also because its a reminder that as much as Venti tries to honor the memory of those he’s killed, there will always be those who resent him for it, and when he took the option of living away from them, he truly can’t blame them. - And when he gets too wrapped up in thoughts, whether around this topic or similar ones or otherwise, eventually, he’ll hear the sound of a flute on the wind. It’s not divine by any means, but as his own wind connects him to the source, he gets the sentiment all the same. “What impact does one individual’s remaining wrath have on the present. You have done much to help the living in the present” the unspoken idea that Xiao has included himself in that statement, because now, with Venti’s help he’s beginning to learn just how to experience living for himself. 

- Venti’s form and Xiao’s mask are off limit topics though because if either mentions it the other will counter with the opposite and the mood will turn immediately bitter at the idea that both know that what they’re doing is destructive but neither are willing to change

- Venti who has different tells for negative feelings than most people because as much as he likes to pretend it is- this form isnt his, and Xiao who is able to identify those

- many fanfics and headcanons have Venti recognizing when Xiao is uncomfortable and getting him out of those situations. I see that and I love it but i raise you: - Venti taking Xiao to Mondstadt, careful that he doesn’t get to the point that he’s uncomfortable. And nothing goes wrong exactly, but Xiao notices the the way Venti’s cape is blowing in the wind, the way he’s holding his weight, barely on his feet so much as floating on the wind, connected with the ground only for the sake of appearance, all the while he looks just as happy go lucky as ever. And without a word, he grabs his hand and teleports them both out of Mondstadt.  - turns out it was just a slight thing that reminded him of the archon war (cuz i will die on the hill of him having more tragic backstory than just Decarabian), and he of course gives a sincere if not flustered thanks to Xiao, because he’s really not used to people noticing. 

- Venti trying to vent sneakily through fictional stories and Xiao is just like “Didn’t that basically happen to you” and Venti is just like “<_< shit”

- Venti once said affectionally that he wished he had met Xiao sooner and Xiao immediately and seriously shot it down by saying “If you had, I would have been forced to kill you” and both of them now stay up at night wondering who would have won that fight, not sure which result would have hurt more. (because honestly I have no idea who would win in that fight and that terrifies me- I like to think it would have been one of those legends that end with “and the fight persists to this day” or something along those lines)

- “How long have you been together?” “Adepti have no need for-” “1000+ years T^T how dare you deny our love” “O///O our...? ...useless”

- its disney- let me explain- i have this- i have this headcanon inspired by watching too many animatics- - so venti has a human form that isnt his- which he would have had to get used to moving in- and he’s a bard- - uh- anyway- as a third degree black belt in mixed martial arts, i can speak as an authority on this(not really an authority since i havent gone since quarantine but lets pretend). We have a thing referred to as the big three(most things do), and those things are martial arts, gymnastics, and dance. The idea is that they reflect really well off of each other and the best in any one category are good in all three. Timing, balance, form, discipline, technique, hand-eye coordination, grace, ease of motion, they all play a part- anyway-

- Venti taking Xiao’s prowess in martial arts and acrobatics and teaching him how to dance, and as someone who’s extremely skilled in the first two, the third comes easy to him, almost naturally. And it’s delicate and beautiful and lovely and it isn’t hurting anyone. And Venti points all these things out and more and despite how much Xiao insists that he feels ridiculous he truly does enjoy it and it goes a long way towards helping him form more healthy views of himself and his worth.  - Verr Goldett walked in on him once and made a joke about performing at the inn. unfortunately Venti was there and agreed on Xiao’s behalf before he could protest and- and it wasn’t as bad as Xiao thought it would be... he still wouldn’t do it again though without reason, but with good enough reasoning he could probably be convinced. 

- anyways point is he likes dancing to Venti’s songs and i just think that’s really cute - just picture the idea that all the animatics you see actually have the potential to be canon- ugh

- venti tries holding something out of Xiao’s reach since he’s taller and Xiao just fucking teleports 

- both need their space but when they dont, all they have to do is speak the other’s name and they’ll be there.

- and because i just had to.... love languages

- lets start with Xiao- i don’t think he’d view acts of service or quailty time as a love language tbh, and he blunt but really bad with words so affirmation is out, leaving gift giving and physical touch. However, he seems to view most material things as meaningless so- - Xiao who’s love language is in his fleeting touches, something he’s only recently grown comfortable with because of Venti, and now is giving back, which he knows he doesn’t have to do, but that he want’s to, though he’ll still continue to make excuses for each one. “you were shivering” “The inn is high up, you could have fallen..... I said what I said, you’d question an adeptus?”

- and as easy as it is to say words of affirmation for Venti- he does that for everyone- i want to say his is actually acts of service - its the acts of service that let him see just how much Xiao has progressed afterall, from teaching him to dance, to playing another song on the flute, to supplying him with the almond tofu he seems to enjoy so much. Every little thing he does helps Xiao to grow and he couldn’t be happier about that. 

-

- of course most of my headcanons for the ship do take place latter into the relationship because- y’know the less serious unhealthy vibes allow for greater range of thought, but i do still love to think about the serious implications so i kinda hopped back and forth. So sorry about how messy it is btw, i kinda- got carried away- it kinda got some kind of structure near the end tho so- maybe it’s okay. anyway- back to... lol something, we’ll see where thought forests lead.