#but at the same time i KNOW im a hypocrite because i ramble and i love when riot does cool things and when they do cool animations

[teeto-peteto]

NEVER forgive Riot

You're in your right to be angry and to be resentful about the past.

I have not forgotten about this, because its probably one of the most disgusting vile shit Riot has ever done

Matt Dunn, Writer of Kindred, Pyke, Ekko, Ornn (and many more), fired while his family was struggling with heavy health issues : r/leagueoflegends (reddit.com)

[zeephyre]

CR3 EPISODE 78 SPOILERS

god. i love this fucking campaign. this one's gonna be long as shit.

despite how genuinely depressing this episode was, it also made me really giddy because i love hurt/comfort and there's no point of that if there's no hurt or angst.

im probably gonna go down the line with each member of bells hells, discussing what i can remember off the top of my head, i hope i don't forget anything in my rambles cause this was one of my FAVORITE episodes of the whole campaign and that's saying something.

i love ashton. i have loved ashton the most since the very beginning and for a lot of it i was really worried that ashton was deliberating running from opening up with bells hells while also going out of their way to have one-to-one convos with different members that were deep and insightful but never went as far as they needed to.

i am projecting a bit with analysis of ashton but taliesin does it best when rp'ing for ash and generally talking abt him in interviews. ashton reminds me of myself, which is not a compliment and is actually really terrible. ironically enough, ashton said the same thing abt fcg. i have spent a lot of time hurting myself by sabotaging the things i love, or embracing the worse parts of myself simply because it's become habit. there's always going to be a piece of you that finds the sadness, anger, guilt, emptiness, whatever -- comforting because it's all you've known.

ashton mourns a life that he never lived. i find myself mourning versions of myself that i would hate but still...yearn for them like an itch or an ache that comes from hurt. ashton wanted their family back, in whatever desperate, corrupted way he felt he should have done it, and hearing how he described feeling like he looked past the cautionary tale simply because he thought the pain they caused him should have meant something else made me think of imogen.

beautiful, sweet, powerful, dangerous, sad imogen temult. i won't comment on how everyone berated ashton because that's not really surprising nor was anything imogen said or did pertaining to ash shocking whatsoever. but... there's smth abt the destruction that ashton did to feel close to the idea of a family that doesn't really exist that just parallels so well with the fight that imogen has been undergoing since childhood. against the red storm, now against the call of ruidus, and the temptation and attachment she felt and still feels to her mother, despite everything liliana has done that jeopardizes everything imogen is fighting for.

abandoned by her mother, shunned by her own town, ignored and feared by her father.

going back to ashton again, there's smth to be said abt the guilt and shame that comes from making horrible choices that put yourself and the ppl you love in danger that forever changes the way they perceive you. I've done it. i had to fight to make things better. it can't be enough to love someone enough that would die for them, you have to fight to stay alive. if not even for yourself, for THEM.

i know it can be unhealthy to rely on others so much, but it's certainly not easy to fight for yourself when the foundation isn't there. learning how to love without throwing yourself on a blade is more important than self sufficiency. that comes afterwards.

i...don't like laudna's reliance on delilah briarwood this episode. i... there's smth very ironic about laudna being worried abt ashton's betrayal and the way he hurt her and the others with his deception and selfishness, coupled with my understanding of the absolute fucking insane, borderline stupid danger of even SPEAKING to delilah briarwood, let alone working WITH her.

i think it's hypocritical, but i don't feel any animosity towards laudna. just..sadness. delilah is a parasite. a disgusting, cruel, evil bitch who wants laudna to be... that weak little girl easily crushed under her thumb. she may preach abt laudna's latent power and potential, but laudna won't serve her purpose if she TRULY gains the strength to cast delilah aside forever. i don't think delilah was telling the truth abt their fates last episode, and that's why i so deeply want laudna to toss aside that defeatist mindset that has only gotten worse since episode one. maybe im wrong, maybe delilah was actually being genuine.

i kept watching imogens/laura's face during laudna's moments speaking with delilah alone, and it just made me sad because she didn't need to be alone. she had imogen, but she still felt the need to run and hide away. god i just want her to be happy.

i really liked the doll she made for ashton, even though delilah made it really creepy for no reason, the dramatic cunt she is. her assessment of ashton as being a child may seem rude or even a projection but to me it's the truth. ashton has not grown past his childhood. past abandonment and pain and mistrust and love that never lasts and always hurts. that shit followed them to adulthood and anyone who has any number of mental illnesses and childhood trauma will tell you that it's so easy to feel yourself stuck as a reactive, stubborn, bitter little kid trapped in a shitty cycle of pain. both ashton and laudna this episode felt like they were both broken, sad children interacting. laudna clinging to comfort from delilah, hiding away, mentally reverting to the person she was the last time she was in whitestone. ashton, clinging to his lost childhood and the acceptance of laudna's doll, the admittance that they'd never had a doll before. god... they're so sad, im gonna scream.

fcg apologizing for forcing faith down ashtons throat was sweet and so was ashton apologizing for being so bitter abt fcg's faith. now i just need fcg to apologize for the multiple instances where he put laudna in danger by casting turn undead with no acknowledgement of laudna afterwards.

fcg saying that ashton didn't love anyone or care about anyone hurt me a bit, because while i understood why they were saying those things, it was so... obviously untrue. before all of this, ashton has shown again and again and again how much he loves bells hells, and especially fcg. i know that ashton almost dying over smth so arrogant, desperate and foolish would make anyone question what someone's idea of "love" is, but still. it stung. maybe because i have been there. i know what it's like to be doubted and mistrusted because you ruined smth good callously and carelessly.

chetney... chetney really loves fearne. i don't care if y'all don't get it or if y'all still think chet is some joke character with no substance, I never understood that shit and i simply never will. chet and fearne probably have the best relationship in all of bells' hells -- and yes, that includes imogen and laudna because god knows those two have shit brewing under the surface that needs to be HANDLED, i.e: laudna being defeatist abt their relationship even tho it's barely begun.

chetney's a good man. him going after fearne was the best choice and im glad he gave her a couple laughs before she went off to wander. he cares about her so much, and he BELIEVES in her so much, and i love them. i LOVED the way he went in on ashton. hurting fearne by making a shitty decision and letting her bear the burden of watching ashton die right in front of her was... bad. it is very complicated but, that's pretty cut and dry.

i like him testing ashton again and again. telling him to leave but also being glad they chose to be brave and stay, and face the consequences of their actions. attacking ashton to see what all of any of that shit was even for. (im a little bummed that the shard didn't fully wake up yet but...i love the suspense im just impatient).

FEARNE. CALLOWAY. i love fearne, and i love the breakdown during the first part of the episode. it was such a raw moment and it established the tone of the episode so quickly. im glad that fearne knows that while ashton fucked up royally, her rejecting of the shard and complacence in ashton's plans was also royally stupid. i don't think her being terrified of taking the shard is bad or stupid, it's actually one of my favorite fearne character choices. no one ever actually asked her WHY she didn't want it, and when she said she didn't want it, it was still decided by the hells that the shard would go to fearne. (they're very shit at communication, poor babies). im happy that she specifically clarified that ashton did not threaten or manipulate her (plus he gave her many opportunities to not be involved with his bullshit if it made her uncomfy so im hoping the insane critters who keep treating ashton like some evil, predatory person finally stfu).

fearne being so scared of a version of herself that was sad, lonely, and "evil" to the point that she chose to believe that it was ashton's destiny to take in both shards is so... so rich. i hope she talks about that more in the next episode because i don't think she's EVER brought it up since exu. i don't think the shard would change fearne's personality but god the fact that SHE is so afraid of herself and what she's capable of.... AHHHH. love this damn party.

i hope liam knows that expect really painful roleplaying from him when he comes back cause i really do need ashton and orym interactions like i need air.

the choice to go to the fey realm was brilliant and i missed nana morri so it's a win for me. bells hells COULD have done what they've been doing for a while now, which is ignoring the pain they're all feeling and pushing forward, but ashton doing what they did was the straw that broke the camel's back and im GLAD because i have been begging them all to have real conversations with each other that don't get cut short prematurely for whatever reason.

i do hope that they do really lean into the self care aspect involving therapy and talking through their issues with ALL of the members present or even in groups, and it isn't just fun and games. they're prone to distraction. i love my little guys.

:( two weeks without bells hells. is it thursday, yet???

[shiftingconfessions]

i wish more people where open about how ableist the shifting community can be tbh....

some if it's small, petty things like people shifting to DRS with disabilities they don't have here for the "aesthetic" (amputated/prosthetic limbs, partial blindness, scarring, etc) or purposely going to DR's where a canonically disabled character is no longer disabled. & like yeah, these things can be a little annoying but its not a big deal at all.

what IS an issue is refusing to accept that certain disabilities can make shifting difficult. what's also an issue is straight up denying the fact disability is real because shifting exists!!

like, trying to enter the void state is damn near impossible if you have chronic pain. trying to meditate when you have consistent jolts of pain bringing you out of your mind is hard! meditating with adhd is hard! & it shouldn't be hard, because im sure there are other methods, but no one seems to know about them or share them. instead, when scrolling through shifting tags looking for advice, i only see some variation of "there's no real reason you can't shift! stop making excuses, shifting is easy." i know its easy. at least, i know it would be easy if you could give some sort of tutorial or guide besides regurgitating the same 5 methods we've all already heard. im not even really angry that other people don't seem to have answers, that would be hypocritical. i don't have answers either! i've been looking, ive been getting there, but i still don't have an answer yet. i just wish more people admitted they don't have all the answers sometimes.

also... ive seen way too many people saying some form of "im grateful for shifting because i know i'll never become disabled!" or "if you have the right mindset, you can't ever get cancer!" or even "you can manifest your disability away!" I really, really, really hope i don't have to explain why all of these statements are false, not to mention how harmful & cruel they are.

Take this as someone who got cancer after praying to God nightly that i wouldn't. i wasn't immune, or an exception. as gently as i can possibly say this, neither are you. If you are in this reality, unexplainable & unfair illness, death, & tragedy can strike any time. I believed wholeheartedly (or one could say assumed) that my nightly prayers would keep me safe from illness, & I still developed cancer. I did not manifest it, nor did I manifest me recovering. It was probably just rotten luck. im not rambling about this to try & spark fear that you may get cancer too- you're gonna be fine. i just want to offer insight into other peoples lives & how very much not a choice disability is. Shifting is an amazing, infinite thing, but please do not be cruel. please don't forget compassion & humility.

.

[idcpxseur]

i have a hyperfixation and i wont shut up about it, take my rambles about mount rageous

i wanna talk about mount rageous (the song). specifically velvets vocals.

veneer's vocals are completely overshadowed by velvets and completely fade out by the middle of the song

from a lore standpoint, its because he stopped singing because the trolls got taken from him so he could no longer steal their talent

but you could also argue at this point, its also because veneer has realized impacts of his actions now. i dont think veneer ever fully, completely consented to kidnapping floyd (btw how did they do that??) but probably went along thinking that it wouldnt be too bad and even if he died, no one would ever know and they could just get another troll (or by that time he could convince velvet that its gone too far and actually stop her before another troll died)

but now there are members of his friends and family publicly outing them and calling them frauds, fighting for floyd and hes probably like "oh shit he wasnt just some nobody and these people are fighting for him"

BUT BUT BUT thats veneer, its velvet who i wanna talk about

after that musical interlude in the soundtrack (where it was actual scenes of dialogue), velvet takes figurative and literal center stage as her vocals become the primary focus of the song.

the lyrics repeat, but they sound so desperate shes not the same strong confident persona that she was giving off anymore. now shes desperate and fighting to keep the attention on her and not on the fucking 3inch creatures fighting for the freedom

at 2:15 it becomes so apparent when the backing tracks die out and you hear her sing "im going to live forever" and then at the very end where her last line is "baby, remember my name"

shes desperate to be remembered, to be wanted and feel needed. to be adored, almost.

i dont know how much any of you know about singing, but your emotions can have a big play on how you sing something

you gain more bass in your voice when your angry and therefore it follows when youre singing

and when you become desperate your voice can break, become raspy

now look at velvet. her singing at this point is less singing and more screaming

and holy shit the LAST LINE

"baby remember my name" as she holds out a long note while the backing vocals chant at you. they chant at you to remember. remember her name. who she was. dont leave her in the gallows of history nameless and faceless.

its haunting if you spend more than 5 seconds thinking about it. they could almost take that score and put it in some kind of horror movie.

and in a way, she kinda got what she wanted. she and veneer will be remembered, but not for the right thing. theyll be remembered as frauds. remembered as the people who lied and cheated their way to the top and fell astronomically when confronted.

theyll be remembered as hypocrites. after all, they wrote it themselves

"if you want to be as famous as me you gotta work"

[milimeters-morales]

ripeter rambling under da cut

so in the ripeter lives au that i’m finally going back to, miles is more of an annoyed younger coworker to peter than anything else, and this is due to a mix of things Peter does, such as: feel guilty about getting Miles involved with Spider-Man stuff, try to give Miles the freedom to be his own Spider-Man, get very overprotective of Miles at the same time, and not communicating his plans well enough. He has OCD but Miles doesn’t know this and Peter doesn’t know this either (he knows something’s up but doesn’t ever consider it something serious), so it’s never outright stated but it can be inferred from Miles’s complaining and observations, and sometimes Peter will straight up explain the thought process to avoid angering Miles further. so yeah Miles is frequently calling Peter a hypocrite, because how is someone going to be so protective and bossy while being the one who puts you in a lot of these dangerous situations to begin with, they’re basically little assholes to each other. Peter can see (most of the time) how his behavior impacts Miles, and also feels extreme guilt over that, so he’s trying to do better but it is SO hard when you are constantly triggering yourself by going out and fighting people with a 15 year old. basically it’s like you find the one person who can understand you on a new level, yet you wish you never met. you would die for them, and they will probably die because of you?? scratch that, they definitely will

and miles still has autism and an anxiety problem bc i don’t like him, so there are parts he DOES understand when it comes to peter. and there are parts Peter will understand when it comes to Miles’s thought process too. but they need to argue about it first. in this au Miles ends up acting his age a bit more since he shares the role of Spider-Man with someone more experienced who doesn’t even want him to be Spider-Man that much, & he gets the opportunity to be a bit laidback and goofy, coming off as immature in a natural way rather than the “calming the crowd” sort of way Peter does. He knows he has someone (eventually multiple people, i’ll get to that) in his corner, in almost every aspect of his life, so he truly is much more relaxed (yes even with the disorder, im talking in a more general sense) than any version of miles. besides spidey and his amazing friends. that’s a baby so

[tbyfandoms]

I don’t know how gossip and stuff like that works in the hayden fandom (as I’m so new to it) but I just wanted to speak my mind on the whole rachel podcast thing because it’s been ruminating in my thoughts for a few days and I can’t move on LMAO

So, if you’re down for a little discussion, please feel free to read! If gossip or speculation and stuff isn’t your thing, no problem! Sexual topics will be talked about so keep that in mind in case that’s something you’re not too comfortable with! anyways, here we go…

Alright, so I know the podcast rachel did where she talked about her sexual experiences was literally two months ago but I just need to get my thoughts out on it rn

First of all I’m gonna say I’m 100% all for women being open and honest about their sexual experiences! Like we have a right to not feel shame in speaking about these things openly, but I’m gonna be honest, rachel talking about not having an org*sm (censoring bc idk how tumblr flags stuff and I don’t wanna get in trouble lmao) from penetrative sex until she was 38 lowkey gave me the ick

Like it’s so very obvious people are going to assume the fact she’s basically saying hayden never gave her any sexual satisfaction (correct me if this is a reach) and my jaw kinda drops at that realization??? Like you’re telling me over the ~10 year relationship you had with this man, he not once made you feel good? And the only way you were able to feel satisfied was by your own doing???

As I said, she’s obviously, obviously, entitled to her experiences and opinion like who’s to judge her for that??? But it’s the fact she’s said it now. It’s just kinda ironic to me that after all this time she brings this stuff up, coincidentally when hayden’s career is taking off again, as if the public and media won’t connect the dots on who she’s talking about

Like ya’ll idk maybe it’s me but imo that’s kind of petty to do 😭 like this man was with you for a very long time, he’s the father of your child, and yet you’re gonna make him out to be a guy that doesn’t know how to please his partner…

Maybe this is all such a reach so please take this all with a grain of salt, I’m really just rambling rn and maybe won’t even feel the same after I write this all out, but for now this is how I’m feeling!

It’s just all kinda spiraling in my mind because truly why would you say that (I’m more-so finding a problem with it because she did it so publicly and on a random podcast). And maybe this makes me a hypocrite because I literally just said women should be able to be honest about their sexual experiences LMAO BUT CMON???

Idk maybe it’s just me being defensive of hayden and the fact I literally don’t know this woman at all and this is the first impression I’m getting of her, but it just rubs me the wrong way. Like idk about ya’ll but I know if hayden christensen just looked at me, I’d lose my mind. So imagine being in a relationship with him, where I’m sure he can figure out how to make you feel good especially giving the duration of your relationship, just for you to then turn around and throw it all back in his face when it’s been literal years since you’ve been with him…(also same goes for that adam brody guy she dated in the early 2000s, like it’s not just hayden this reflects on!)

Also she talked about how she misses her ex bill hader (whom she coincidentally dated when she was 38) because of his um…big d!ck. So she’s also throwing into the mix that apparently the reason she couldn’t get off with hayden and adam is because they’re small???? IM SCREAMING DSKDJDH

But again maybe I’m taking this all out of context or not looking at it the right way or whatever, so sorry if this ramble of nonsense is giving you the ick, but so be it

I probably missed a lot of points I wanted to make so maybe I’ll come back to this later, we’ll see

The last thing I’ll say is, literally watch any of hayden’s movies where he’s in a romantic relationship with someone and genuinely tell me you think that man doesn’t know how to make someone feel good, specifically with penetrative sex (because that’s what rachel was talking about)??? It’s the way he’s acting and yet I can still feel the sexual tension and attraction through the screen. Just imagine him in real life. I shall leave some gifs below to further prove my point because…yeah I don’t understand

Exhibit A:

This scene from Awake literally has me screaming every time I watch it DKSJSH like the hand placement??? The kissing??? Yeah I GET IT, it’s not sex but just trust me on this ok

Exhibit B:

This scene from Factory Girl. Literally my most favorite piece of proof that goes hand in hand with the fact I cannot grasp the idea THIS man does not know how to please a woman I-

Really you guys just have to click on the account that posted these and look at the whole set because…I rest my case. Just look at the way he rolls his body on her *screams*

Ok sorry, bye that’s all I’ll say for now. I feel like none of this makes sense and I SWEAR I’m not trying to shame rachel, I just felt really put off by that little tidbit she decided to publicly share so yeah here’s my current thoughts on it. Please no one jump me, if this is truly an awful take I will delete it 🫣

[ethernetmeep]

as to not taint the humor of the millipede post, i say this separately and as its own sort of weird entry thing; today was not all that nice. if you somehow wish to read emotional ramblings then feel free below i suppose. this will all probably be very embarrassing & stupid & gone at a certain point

at first, it seemed to be fine; by all accounts, i felt normal. i was happy, content, neutral, what have you. near the end of first period, i felt a sudden and all encompassing sort of emotional pain which is hard to explain besides a knife in ones gut. i try to shrug it off, go back to normal; i listen to instructions of my teacher before i ask to sit outside. i proceed to bawl my eyes out silently.

and you may ask, WHY? and i ask the exact same thing! i have no clue why i suddenly break down like this, but i do, and its heavy and uncomfortable. i sob out of both guilt and intense emotions unable to be placed anywhere definitively. i sob because i don’t know what else to do, as trying to hold my emotions in has seemingly only made me sick thus far in the day.

i continue to cry for an uncomfortable amount of time i won’t disclose. a teacher who i enjoy greatly sits beside me in the hall; without even having to say the words aloud, i answer him. i talk quietly of things i remember and talk of how upset i feel; not mad upset, but sad upset. he seems confused on what too much of something would be. ive been wondering this for months. he asks if it was possibly seen as something more intimate. i say this could be likely and i feel far worse; i feel awful, actually. he runs off because hes a busy man. i think about our conversation and i feel overwhelmingly distressed. i feel sick. i feel as if ive ruined everything by accidentally implying something different then what i may mean. i dont enjoy the vague way certain events occur. i hate being vague, i hate not being able to read between the lines of things; vagueness scares me to a point of distress and acute worry, which is probably hypocritical.

i have to resort to one of the stupidest things ive imagined in a long time in order to not feel the overwhelming & all encompassing feeling of wanting to [REDACTED]; imagining myself as stanley from the stanley parable and being lectured about how this action would quote make the timeline collapse in on itself or quote ruin the game by the narrator. i can imagine his voice clearly in my mind saying STANLEY, YOU CAN’T SELF-IMMOLATE STANLEY, THAT WOULD RUIN EVERYTHING WE WORKED FOR! something stupid like that. its odd that it helped.

i was fine, although i then proceeded to not be fine. got asked if i was okay. answered truthfully and said no. an acquaintance prompted me to talk about it with her, then simply.. left. had to find the girl she enjoys being with. she said she would find me later and talk about it; i really didn’t want to talk about it. i moved to put on my headphones then realized it was stupid & was already on the verge of tears again at simply the discussion from before & feeling like a circus animal being heavily scrutinized and laughed at under intense gaze. i get to class but i am overwhelmingly unable to do anything but cry.

i get to go to the library, but at the detriment to my friends. i text one and tell her i won’t be at lunch as im dealing with emotional distress and don’t want to quote, be a debbie downer. i am saddened at my actions; i wish i would’ve just went and talked with them, but i also don’t wish that i did because i hate distressing those i care about. i didn’t want to put more on my friends plates. i’d deal with it myself

of course, nothing is ever sound & calm for long; the area which i feel comfortable crying in is overtaken and i move uncomfortably. i am asked if im okay. i lie blatantly to a girl ive known as an acquaintance for years. i feel bad for lying; i don’t want her to worry about me. it wasn’t important, anyway. eventually i regain my composure and get back to class. it ends and i move on; as per usual, my mood fluctuates and i soon find myself worried sick and leaving her classroom.

i stay after although i know the chess club is cancelled for this week. i don’t like the change. its not as if im mad at the change, i just so desperately wanted to believe the days i dealt with before actually still accumulated to something i enjoyed. now the one thing i enjoy is off to not occur for next week, either; giving me very little to look forward to, if anything

i sit in the airlock. i write in my notebook a list of things someone would do before self-immolation. hypothetically, of course. maybe four or five things on it are actually things one would care about. one is to play a DLC, another is to finish a novel; one is to stay in order to see the cicadas arrive & to visit the cemetery in the spring like someone (fine, me!) mentioned weeks back that i wanted to do. its uncomfortable how the novel i enjoyed dearly was not one of the important things on the list.

it takes quite a lot to kill me, i think. kind of like a tick.

i’ll be fine; i always am. i think ive gotten better. im slowly feeling more and more sane again, although the stress puke is still prevalent. as ive lived on, its gone down to a point where i just gag; don’t puke. i enjoy documenting when i do feel things like this, strangely enough. having an archive of my life makes me feel sane. its also interesting to look back on.

thanks if you read this somehow, even after the warning of how stupid it would be. i appreciate you, hypothetical reader. i enjoy your hypothetical quiet company

[wizzardhat]

you know i had a feeling i would end up having to break my oath to make an in-character choice, and it would have been cute and gay if it came as a consequence of something to do with gale, but all things considered im like, of course it would end up being related to astarion. an oath of the ancients paladin cannot just become besties with an undead vampire without enduring at least one major moral dilemma. gonna add a readmore for spoilers and rambling

i released the 7000 spawn. of course i did. the alternatives were to let them rot in cages for eternity or kill all of them. im curious if letting astarion complete the ritual would have broken the oath as well. It would be painfully ironic if the answer was no. but when it came down to make a choice between protecting the innocent and destroying the undead, my paladin chose to protect the innocent, and that was apparently the wrong answer. But really, it was the only answer that didnt prove them to be a complete hypocrite.

i like this a lot as the logical conclusion of their friendship with astarion, extreme opposites meeting in the middle. specifically im thinking of a line you get from him early on, when he tries to convince you to take control of the cult of the absolute. if you say "that is evil power" he says something along the lines of, "power is just power, its the people who use it who are good or evil." Damn if that isn't almost exactly the same sentiment you get form your conversation with the oathbreaker knight.

i have an imagined backstory for my tav that is related to the character they're based on--which is, ironically, also an oathbreaker paladin. That character broke his oath because he refused to give up on someone he loved past the point when they were dangerous to keep alive, and betrayed another paladin to protect them. But for my Tav, I let the opposite be true--they did give up on that person, because their order had convinced them it was the right thing to do, and as a result they had to watch their loved one die. So my Tav carried a deep sense of regret their whole life for that one mistake, and made a personal conviction to never give up on someone who needed them, or who they loved.

That conviction is what I imagine lead them down the morally dubious paths they had to take to complete the various companion quests, and on some level, i think they knew that eventually the oath they made to their god and the oath they made to themself would split. this backstory tidbit also adds a lot of extra layers to the line you say to gale (if you are romancing him) when you confront the elder brain at the end of act two, to "choose the one who loves you." because thats exactly what they failed to do, and it was a mistake they refuse to make again.

And in a game where gods are generally not to be trusted, my paladin abandoning an oath in favor of their own sense of justice thematically makes a lot more sense then being like, rip to you guys but my god is different lmao (although i guess selune is shown to be unambiguously good but thats only because shes standing next to shar, the bitch of all time.) also when romancing gale theres something kind of extra gay about "lets abandon our gods together." im sure gale would have a LOT to say to a distressed paladin with a freshly broken oath given everything with mystra being just as fresh.

mechanically though, idk if i can keep this change lmao. i rely way too much on misty step to give it up as a spell. Unless i dual class in to something else that gives me misty step. or i can just stay next to gale every fight and rely on him dragging me around with dimension door lmao--i do have at least one item that gives me one free misty step per short rest. also not having speak with animals will shatter my heart lmfao. i guess ill decide tomorrow if i want to reclaim my oath for purely mechanical reasons and just hc the oath staying broken, or actually commit to the practical consequences. I could also just like. try it out for awhile and talk to the knight again if i change my mind. at least i fucking hope thats the case lol.

[adacatlovelace]

Random unhinged undertale rambling

The design for Sans and Papyrus is very deliberate with the fact they are always smiling, and their expressiveness comes from the movement of their eye(socket)s. This is not only because they are skeletons, but its also important to note that, even at their lowest points, they both still have big goofy smiles on their face, conveying both Papyrus nature of never giving up hope in people and Sans’ continuing to “put on a happy face” even when faced with the monumental existential dread of knowing that anything that happens, good or bad, matters because of the way time works in the world of Undertale. This isn’t to say that they shouldn’t show emotion but ATTENTION NEEDS TO BE PAID TO HOW THEY SHOW THIS EMOTION IF YOU ARE TRYING TO BE TRUE TO THE CHARACTERS.

Secondly, what makes Sans such an interesting character is the fact that he has gone almost fully numb. He knows how helpless he is to actually change anything and has, for the most part, accepted it and instead of ruminating on it, he’s decided to have a bit of fun with it, and because if he acts friendly it might at least minimize the damage the human will do. He doesn’t even really seem to care all that much when Papyrus dies, unless you specifically PROVOKE him by killing ONLY papyrus at which point he will either call you out for being a Hypocrite or “Ah, you’re just an asshole then. At least you’re honest about it.” because once again, anything that happens GOOD OR BAD will be reset and doesn’t really matter.

Yes, he did make a promise with Toriel, and he outright tells you that if he didn’t do so, he would’ve killed you almost immediately. However, he WILL break this promise if the human threatens him directly. This implies one of two things: Either he is so bound to this promise to this person he barely knows that he will stand by as the human murders everyone he cares about, but no so much that he is willing to die because of it OR that the promise is more of a justification to himself to allow the human the freedom to make their own choices.

Now admittedly this is where I go a bit into my headcanon, but bear with me, I do have quite a bit of media analysis to back this up.

MY PERSONAL INTERPRETATION OF THE STORY is that the narrative is... Well the best way I can put this (hopefully) without sounding unhinged is that if you took the story, changed the names and setting while keeping the core themes, characters and events of the story, you could have a passable sort of sequel to Paradise Lost, namely the War in Heaven and christian mythos. STAY WITH ME PLEASE I KNOW THIS SOUNDS INSANE BUT HEAR ME OUT I BEG YOU I MUST SHARE THIS INSANITY WITH OTHERS PLEASE THIS IS JUST ME INTERPRETING THE SYMBOLISM AND DRAWING LITERARY PARALLELS NOT ME CLAIMING THAT UNDERTALE IS ACTUALLY A STORY ABOUT GOD AND THE DEVIL JUST THAT TOBY FOX MAY HAVE BEEN INSPIRED BY THE STORIES

I’m just saying that, in some twisted way, it could be a story of Lucifer returning to Heaven

1. What kicks it off the events of Undertale is a large scale war between the Humans and Monsters, and while the monsters are the ones banished, the end result is practically the same: Separation between monsters(Angel stand in) and humans (Demon stand in) Humans/Demons did BAD THING and now the two worlds have been separated

2. Im just gonna get this over with and say Asriel (Who’s name is based on Azrael, an angel) COULD be looked at as a stand in for Jesus, an envoy of the monsters who left the undergound with a message of peace and was killed because of it. This is admittedly the weakest point I have considering Azrael is the angel of death, and the whole thing with Chara muddying it up, but my brain gave me the idea of comparing the funny goat boy to jesus christ and I had to at least mention it

3. A common interpretation I tend to see is that the underground is “Hell” and in my opinion, this does not line up with the themes and imagery within Undertale. In Undertale, the humans are the aggressors, and while the monsters are willing to fight to defend themselves, they are almost always willing to make peace if given the right opportunity.

4. The Human is referred as to as being “Fallen” and the Prophecy of The Deltarune symbol describes him as an angel. Put these two facts together, the human is a Fallen Angel.

5. Toriel’s name is Toriel because shes acts as Tu-Toriel. This has nothing to do with anything except that when searching for the origin of her name, I found out that this STUPID pun has gone over my head for the last almost 8 years and now here it is for anyone else who’s missed it.

6. Taking what I said about Sans giving the human a chance to make their own decisions and running with it, Sans acts as the sort of “God” character. This sounded insane to me at first but then I realized you literally meet him in LIGHT BATHED CHURCH WHERE HE PASSES JUDGEMENT ON THE HUMAN and the whole game he acts as an almost omnipresent observer.

7. Now for the endings

Neutral: Reuniting Humans/Hell and Monsters/Heaven is deemed untenable at the current moment due to the actions (or lack of action) the human has taken, but both sides might walk away either a little bit wiser or with a renewed sense of division. Either way, the Underground is changed forever

Pacifist: The human has turned away from violence, even in the most difficult of scenarios. Asriel is reminded of the love they once shared with humans and the two sides become one again. The Lucifer-standin has clearly changed and is brought back into the fold

Genocide: “Lucifer” returns and enacts violence against everything, reigniting the War in Heaven but is now unstoppable. After killing both “God” and “Jesus” they are left with nothing except Chara. I disagree that Chara is the devil or satan, but instead is the personification of violence itself, fueled by ambition, to “gain power and defeat the enemy” which is what caused Lucifer to be cast out to begin with. They ask you/Lucifer if you’d like to finish what the two of you have started and if you have the gall to say no, they “gently” remind you that THEY have always been been in control: Lucifer’s ambition to wipe out Heaven and YOU, THE PLAYER’S ambition to “beat” the game to its fullest extent, even if it means going against the themes of the game, leaving Undertale to be cast aside and uninstalled to for the next game you to beat: “Erase this world and move onto the next”

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

anon who doesnt have aspd and taught myself empathy here yet again! i am Now Thinking and remembering that a huge part of why i've never tried to go to therapy or anything is coz like i Know i'd use what i learn to like, manipule ppl better and shit. i enjoy playing w ppl Too much and coz Fun Childhood i've been good at it all my life, but cognitively i recognise its bad so it would be bad and not fair for me to go to therapy and get even better at it and manipulate ppl i love for my own fun. and like even i dont do illegal shit or even like drink alcohol or smoke coz then i can keep the moral high ground in arguments w ppl and i can say whatever i want and call em out on shit and create a fuss for them and stir the pot and they cant call me a hypocrite. like so much of what i do is about making sure i have a level of ability to manipulate and control ppl and situations. so many behaviours which arent explained by autism, idk why i've just brushed all of them aside except that i've gotten bored by overthinking abt them, and ive mostly gotten to a point where they're under control and im content w life

but back to remorse and empathy i honestly just think they're not really necessarily useful things and ppl place so much importance on "oh im such a good person i have so much empathy" but will also use their empathy/remorse to control ppl? like i know ppl w bpd who use their genuine guilt and worries and stuff to get ppl to feel sorry for them and indulge them instead of confronting and working on it. like even ppl w/o mental illness will sometimes try to use the fact they feel bad abt smth to erase their culpability instead of actually fixing their mistakes. it can be confronting for them that some ppl can be like "oh shit i made a mistake. fuck. oh well" (and sometimes fix their mistake/take responsibility) w/o remorse or other emotions to it coz i think it makes them realise their emotion doesnt absolve them

thanks to listening to me ramble!

man i feel that, im also obsessed with having the moral high ground, except i think my view of morality is the best one and everyone else is stupid. also i'm a hypocrite. i also hate hypocrites! yes this in of itself is hypocritical i am aware. do something morally reprehensible? shame on you! doesn't matter that i do the same thing with no intent to stop. its over anakin i have the moral high ground!! i have Standards and Morals and also i'm correct all the time. if i had the death note there would be no story and everything would be okay. i simply would not go mad with power and i'd only kill people who are deserving of it

also yeah i hate the empathy = morality thing i hate it so so so so much. i do think cognitive empathy is a useful tool and remorse can be useful as like, the emotions equivalent of getting spritzed with a water bottle and also you are a cat. do something shitty? feel remorse? my cuck ass is NEVER doing that again!! because remorse felt so bad the first time, why would i risk doing it Again and feeling remorse Again? its just not worth it. but then again if you get more and more used to its presence it wouldnt work all that great and also would suck balls

and i've known a dude w bpd who was like that, and ive known people with good ol fashioned Anxiety Disorder that were like that- worse, even! they thought that bc they had anxiety, they were these cutesy little waifs and anything they did could be rebutted with "but i have anxietttyyyyyy" and everyone was just expected to pity them because of it- no matter what they did! people put too high of an emphasis on emotion as the standard of morality- if you're a scared abuse victim, thats Moral and you are Pitiable, which is Good. however if you fought back, you are Immoral and you are Secretly Probably The Aggressor, which is Bad. (consequently, if you're too scared, that's Moral, however you Didn't Fight Back, which means you were acting Illogically, and Had It Coming, therefore you are Bad) which is hypocritical as fuck! ive taken responsibility w/o remorse and i've takne responsibility with remorse and remorse is Not the important part of this argument, it's emotional intelligence.

[bi-curious--george]

An Open Letter To Taylor Swift

I feel silly even writing this. That being said.. what's it going to hurt? I know you have a tendancy to read things and lurking in places nobody would expect.  And personally, I don't think you'll ever actually read this, but I have always wanted to tell you what a fan I am, and I figure after this many years, it may be time.  I talked myself out of writing this, thinking nobody's going to read it, and that may be true, but, one time when i was drunk, I wrote president obama about how unjust the system was and rambled about domestic violence and he wrote me back a very personal letter and if that can happen because of my words, why not try to see if you read this and I can ramble about what an impact you made in my life.  And what a hypocrite i would be if i would sit every day telling people how important their stories are, but think that mine isnt important.  I don't need a response, and don't believe I will ever get one.. But it would mean the world to me if you knew how much you saved me as a kid.  To give you some context, I am a therapist now, but I have been a fan of yours since before your first album ever came out.  And I really believe that your album was a huge reason I got through my shitty childhood to be here today.  I would love to tell you a funny little glimpse of how I'm stumbled upon you.

So i grew up just dirt poor.  And i had a really, really traumatic childhood (and adulthood, but thats a different letter, to, Obama apparently) and i remember so vividly how i became a fan of yours.  So. I was trying to take a bath.  And i loved baths - this was my escape from my awful childhood right?   and i used to play the radio while i did and I'd crank the music.  And we lived in the middle of nowhere with no actual television reception so my parents had to pay for satellite TV.  So i did have that going  for me.   So i turn on the satellite radio on my parents tv all the way up, go draw my bath down the hall, and i get in the tub and get in, and i heard your music for the first time. I wish I could remember the first song, but i dont (I am betting Tim McGraw, but i dont recall precisely). What i do remember is me running down the hall in a towel, basically tripping over myself soaking wet, literally  dripping, yelling " DON'T CHANGE IT I NEED TO FIND OUT WHO IT IS".  And you or maybe the dj? announced your first album coming out, and i instantly knew what i was going to ask for for Christmas.  

I didnt think i was going to get it.  I actually rarely got what i wanted for gifts, They normally shopped at the dollar store. Around Christmas time, i showed them your CD and begged and begged for it. I still didn't think id get it. I have vague memories of showing them the CD of yours in a Kmart and very dramatically saying  " this one! " So They couldn't claim they didn't know which one it was when Christmas time rolled around. 

The suspense is killing you, im sure. So I'll  get to it, but, I did get your cd for Christmas. And then from that point on, every time I got screamed at, every time I was hurt, or I didn't feel heard, i could at least escape. It was a peace offering of sorts in my mind, i think.   My favorite song was probably "Tied Together With A Smile". 

Life got a little hard after that, I'd become a single mom at 19 and my relationships were, well, complicated, and your music just became more and more relatable. And I just was able to pour myself more and more into your music. I've always just been so thankful for your music to be there. I found a partner and I love him, and somehow your music is still relatable.

 I've appreciated that your music  has been there the whole time.  The staying power it had in my life, from teens to 30s, I think is what made it so impactful. Your music was the soundtrack of my life while ive been learning how to reclaim my life as my own - and seemingly watching you do the same. 

I always wished I could have seen you in concert. But money got tight, then stayed tight.  I settled for what i could- scream singing in the car and shower.   

I went to grad school, had some more kids, and I became a therapist and my parents disowned me which was a wild ride.  I tried so hard to get tickets to see you this time, I didn't think I would care that much, I even anticipated it not going in my favor as I was grown now and i can handle not getting to go to a concert if they ran out of tickets.

I will admit, this Ticketmaster fiasco felt so unfair.  I had worked for so long and so hard to get to a place where i could finally see you in person.  I had been a fan since before your first album.  Life had screwed me over so many times in so many ways, but it felt like i made it through it - and now i could support myself and spend my own money and be a part of this eras tour - see all the eras i couldn't see when i was hiding from the abusive relationships or couldn't afford the albums and had to repeat them on YouTube to memorize them.  I was crushed after 8+ hours of waiting to still not get tickets. 

I'm betting not hearing you in person probably hurt more at the time because I found you when I lived with my parents and  since I had been disowned semi recently by my parents and you had been such an integral part in my healing it became this awful metaphor for me not being able to move forward.  "I'm 32, I went to grad school, i still can't buy a house for my family, my car is going to die and I can't replace it (at the time), I'm stuck at a job that doesn't appreciate me, I can't even see the one concert I wanted, where did I fuck up so bad?" and like it was an awful loop of me messing up somewhere along the line.. and I cried probably every day from the day of Ticketmaster failure until the second day of Minneapolis, and even sometimes now even thinking about losing the chance. Ticketmaster had other ideas for me i guess.  And that's not on you, that's just a me thing.  And that's for my new therapist to unpack,  😂

I still try to watch the lives on tiktok so I can try to be a part of What is likely our generations Woodstock. You are doing amazing things, and I hope that you and your family and friends are endlessly proud of you.

Regardless, thank you for being a part of my journey, I'm so glad you were there. And if you ever tour again, which I hope you do, I'll see you there. 

I wrote this whole thing out on 8/1,  I was going to print it out and mail it as I had heard that's  the best avenue..  then I never got around to it as I felt silly. It's now 8/3, the day that more dates were announced (I knew it! I knew Canada would get some dates!)  Unfortunately Minnesota did not get more dates but I'm going to register for Indianapolis  on 11/2- it's worth a shot.  🤞. I slept on it, and said to myself, Let's put it on Tumblr and let the universe decide if you should see it.

[ginnsbaker]

i must say that you write damaged characters very well, i like how you tell the perspectives and we realize that there are no victims anymore, only broken people. i really feel bad for wanda, it's like i understand the hypocrisy but at the same time i also understand the love she feels. people do bad things all the time, and as much as i never understand who betrays, i think most of them only realize the damage afterwards, like it is with wanda. there are a lot of fucked up people here and i am glad that pietro is seeking help, i can't wait to see wanda on the same path. last week i saw a lot of people wondering if wanda loved r and i think she did. they both love each other, and that is why r hurt her. that is why r wanted to hurt her to the point of losing herself. that is why wanda accepted it, even though she knew she was wrong. no one does that for people they don't love, you definitely don't go that hard for something you DON'T LIKE. and even in this horror show they find themselves in, i can see a glimmer of caring, as in R's care for wanda, or how wanda shows drunk repentance in her most vulnerable form. until Vision leaves me wondering about his perspective on all this, i mean i don't find it out of the curve for him to be so angry with R, it's the woman he likes (from what we know so far) i don't think he is the most wrong here. hypocrite yes. but he is not the only one. i am in love with your work and i needed to tell you that! thank you! you are one of my favorite writers on this site, with the little you have presented i can see how much your potential to be shared is something to be thankful for! can't wait for what comes next

im in love with everything you just said here :) thank you so much for reading ILGOSS and for sharing your thoughts. I was smiling the whole time because i really wanted to write grey characters from the very beginning. i didnt want a character that does right all the time and one character who just fucks up every chapter... that's not how real life goes.

though I joke a lot about Vision in the comments, i see him as a kid who is kind of clueless and selfish, partially because he did come from a wealthy family where he got everything he wanted.

i think we are all hypocrites at many points in our lives and i kinda like showing that in this story, because most of those times, we are not aware of our hypocrisy. meaning, we can tell what is right from wrong, but have a difficult time of choosing when we're faced with a decision.

so yeah, i think this rambling has gone too long lol.

again, thank you :3

[jophiares]

Thank you so much for sharing your writings and arts. Also thanks for answering my ask about SuzaLulu. I'm a new fan of this fandom, and it's kinda hard for me to find those who still love this series.

Can I ask your top 5 (or top 3) favorite characters from Code Geass? And why you loved them? And your top 5 favorite moments from the series?

of course ^^ thank you for sharing the interest with me. ill put my rambling below:

first things first, i am omitting lelouch and suzaku because i think it is too easy. the show wouldnt be what it is without them.

i dont know if i can tier these characters (since i would have to give it much more thought than im willing to put into currently) but here we go:

kallen - kallen is the only character with an actual backbone and moral compass on this entire show. interestingly enough, i dont think shes written as well as she should be. the episode about her and her mother was one of the episodes that hit the hardest during my initial watch through. i also really like the scene where she stops lelouch from taking a hit of refrain as well as when she kisses him goodbye during the un conference. she is a mixed person that chooses to side with the side of liberation versus the side of comfort, and that was something she was always doing. she would always be japanese, she would always fight for her people and for what is right. she is easily the most honorable character of them all.

c.c. - c.c. is one, if not the, most interesting immortal character i have ever seen. what attracts me the most to her is the fact that she is Not a Good Person. her life has been full of strife from before she got her code and afterwards. she's the reason mao's existence is as fucked up as it is. the whole time shes lelouchs accomplice, she knows that marianne is alive and what her (& charles') plan was for the world. its thanks to lelouch that she remembers how to be human again. shes hypocritical. shes wise but also immature. she damned lelouch by giving him a geass but she still grieves him at the end. hell, one of the final shots of her during zero requiem was her praying in a church, the same place where she was betrayed. its still obviously a place of comfort to some level--which, i think is incredibly symbolic for her character. shes cryptic and hard to understand (both on purpose and not). shes sad. lonely. self sufficient. despite her long years, she is still human.

shirley - shirley represents love (not romantic love specifically, but all kinds of love) in code geass. going from her crush on lelouch, to losing her father, to learning lelouch is zero, to SAVING him from being captured--then following up after she regains her memories and how despite everything, she still wants to be by lelouch's side because she realizes that he is alone. she tells suzaku that she loves lelouch when suzaku uses past tense. she tells him that shes forgiven lelouch--which is Much easier said than done on shirley's end vs suzaku's end, but i digress. she is then murdered because of rolo's own twisted love. shes' an interesting point of view into the story because shes very much a civilian in comparison to the other major characters. there are a lot of shots of everyday people throughout cg, but shirley being a main character in this sense puts her up there for me, though id argue that shes more of a writing device versus an actual character, too.

v.v. - (smt3 hell rider voice) here we go. the person reading this might be thinking--huh? v.v.? and yes, i say. my interest in v.v. comes more from things that were implied more than they were shown, as most of said things are recalled by other characters. like Every character i am interested in, he is a hypocrite. he is as conniving as his brother, their wish being one of truth while they were surrounded by lies. they would always have each other. but then came marianne, the lady knight, the flash. neither charles nor v.v. couldve ever predicted her, nor how much she changed charles--regardless if that is true or not. what really intrigues me is that it was implied that v.v. also loved marianne. v.v., an immortal stuck in a childs body, their only true tether to the world (his brother) and the part of the world he must have desired the most (marianne). i actually am planning to write a fic about this premise because it interests me so deeply. dont hold your breath for it tho, haha.

ive been working on this for longer than id like to admit so ill just do a little rapid round for other characters i really like.

honorable mentions:

-ROLO

-ohgi

-mao

truthfully i think every character is very complex in their own way, especially by the end of code geass. im not a fan of nina, but the final scene with her and emperor lelouch before they use the anti-fleija spear (lance of longinus, cough) is another moment i really like.

tldr; code geass has some great character writing sometimes. keyword sometimes.

[ithisatanytime]

Little chick - Original video by Mindia

they literally believe or at least attest to the idea that the god of the old testament is literally blind, and also a kind of devil, but the devil is actually jesus christ, and they know this because of the bible that says the opposite of all this and a bunch more scrolls from thousands of years ago that just so happened to be found in some pots in a cave in the last hundred years by a boy who radomly through a rock at some patshards and some shcizo rambling from albert pike. its bullshit, its the most bullshit thing thats ever existed, i read both the nag hammid libraries and the other one the dead see scrolls, i wasnt convinced, it was close! it was close i can see how one might be tricked, especially if they had previously sucked cock and were looking for some convincing sounding cope. life is actually good, the god who made it is good, the parts he made are good anyway, the parts your father made are ass and thats the parts everyone points to when they talk about the fucking demiurge. nature is sometimes brutal, but most of the time its mild and serene, its the people.

more than anything they hate me for this shit, this is how they get the goyim to do their bidding btw, what you thought they let them become full blooded jews? no they get the lion snake cope.

 what are the odds btw of a pot sitting in a cave undiscovered, unburied, and unbroken for two thousand years? the odds are fucking zero. the bible is the book, everything else is cope, the jewish religion didnt come first, they dont follow the old testament but the talmud which is the written version of the oral tradition of the pharisees which the god of the old testament despised. the talmud was not written until 800 ad at the latest or until this argument catches on and some fucking goatherder stumbles on a trillion year old pot in a cave. let me say it again, Christianity is the original, they will spread all kinds of lies to make it seem like no its an amalgamation of early canaanite pantheons, etc etc. the bible was the first of its kind, and the prophesies recorded in that book written two thousand years ago are true today, christ was hitler before hitler, kanye before kanye, calling them out to their faces, how incredible that a book from 2000 years ago not only manages to be relevant but EDGY? its no coincidence, if earth were a fantasy realm that you were reading about called Gorn, and there was a 2000 year old book in this universe called the cryble, and the prophesies lined up from that book as well as the bible does in our universe there would be no doubt in your mind it was divinely inspired and probably tied to the mainplot of the game you were playing.

 god is not blind you are. blinded by the pride of your own understanding, hey ive been there too. i dont want to be in your fag club or in any fag club, i prefer my own company and always have, god walks with me, and your time is coming to an end. repent means in its most literal sense, to change your mind.

 im not a catholic, dont take my constant crusade against liars to be a call for your personal repentance, i obviously have a pillar of salt in my own eye. it is really the liars, im nice to gay people in my day to day and trans and whatever. not because im scared of retribution but because i love them deeply. not because they are gay but in spite of it, just like they love me in spite of my wrath. i cannot love a lie and claim to love my brothers, if my brother walks down the road and is heading towards a concealed pit trap meant for wild game and i do not warn my brother do i love him? does it make a difference or not if i the day before fell in that very same trap? does it make me a hypocrite?

[snow-and-saltea]

hummm. im just shooting into the dark with no expectation that anyone will actually answer me, but this is something ive been sitting on a bit.

usually when i experience something disturbing or traumatising or smth puts me in extreme grief, i don't talk to anyone about it. that's usually the default until me-on-therapy reminds me that, actually, you need to talk to people about these things, you need to let people know what you look like and how you feel.

but im confused. do i reach out to people as im experiencing them? bc on one hand i think that's bad bc im just putting this weight on them, knowingly, because i cant handle it myself. but on the other hand, when im left alone long enough, i can figure out the "answers" or reaffirm myself somewhat. or at least enough to keep myself manageable.

but like as i start to think about all the times i kept to myself to find the answers for myself... i realised that it wasn't smth i did naturally, it was just something i had to do to get by. a lot of my issues started with not being able to talk to someone about things and because i am and feel so alone in experiencing grief and sadness and anger, that in itself becomes a sort of "trigger" as well.

im just confused i guess. this might be a chicken or the egg first situation. im not sure if i was just predisposed to solve my own problems (and that in itself caused other accidental problems) or i was just forced to solve my own problems, and bc of doing it more, was able to get better at it even though it wasn't my natural inclination. but the answer is prolly somewhere in the middle; i am someone predisposed to try to figure things out on my own in my head both because it was convenient for me (didnt have to confront the fear of asking for help) and because it came naturally (not good at asking for help so i got better at it on my own).

i know that i'm very much an introvert though, which i feel confident in saying. even in positive or neutral times, i liked engaging with the outside world (Doing Stuff, talking w people etc), but i had no problem just absorbing things by reading or watching stuff and staying in my head about them. i'm trying to break out of my shell more about sharing myself w others to be friendly and create Good Vibes / encourage honesty and transparency w others (bc its important to me). but other than that, i don't have much of a desire for attention as a person, and i really like privacy as much as i'm allowed to have.

i do let my walls(?) down consciously when the situation necessitates, but it doesn't come easily or naturally for me to talk about myself, just because i like to flow along w the conversation getting to know others instead (but i realise that's hypocritical of me to only take in information and not give them out, so i try to make conscious effort towards that end). i've also been realising and discovering the small joys and fears that comes when someone sees you, in any shape or form, and how... energetic it makes me. the thought that someone thinks of me even when i am not there makes me tear up. the thought that i have people i might never meet wish me well makes me tear up, too. the thought that i could hurt and be hurt by these people makes me scared. but its all one and the same, so i try to welcome it all equally. only welcoming good times while chasing off bad ones makes for fair weather friends, which is definitely not what i want to be.

hummmm. im not sure where this thought leads me for now, but ill end this here and come back to it if ever. thank you to anyone who decides to read my rambling

[ceilingpancake]

Posting this here because im over them and dont want to have it in my phone anymore but also dont want to delete it because i don’t think it should be gone forever. This was a list of things i wrote that i missed about my ex while we were still together while i was on vacation. i told them id show it to them the next time we hung out in person, but we broke up before then. enjoy ! or don’t! i just need to have this somewhere i can find it

I missed you so much this month. I missed getting to be the only person who can stare at you and appreciate how beautiful you are and resting our foreheads together. holding you and being held and feeling your skin against mine and kissing you. listening to you ramble about your day and rambling back to you and laying next to you and holding your hand and hearing you breathe. Im going to be so insufferable and clingy when i get back. I miss getting to look in your eyes and watching them glimmer and shine in excitement anytime something makes you happy and i miss seeing your smile and watching you be so bouncy and giddy and seeing you cuddle badger. I miss your tight hugs and subtle touches and our nightly calls. Going to the park and the mall or hanging out with our friends. I miss hearing you try not to offend me when talking about people or things i care about and listening when i talk about things i care about even though you may not care because you know theyre important to me. i miss your bad jokes and innuendos and “vroom“ noises in the car. I miss you singing to music and your “mouth trumpet” and your road rage. I miss your sporadically placed sappy sweet cheesy moments and you talking about your never ending care for noah. i miss you divorcing lucas and being silly. i miss your obsession with jack black and capybaras and your willingness to forgive people when i never could. I miss your fake pouts and you buying the most wack ass energy drinks you find. i miss hearing about whatever new thing youve bought and you saying how youre feeling but saying that its how badger is feeling instead. I miss hearing you call me baby or hun or love and your little rants about how much you love me. I miss your eyelashes and your clinginess. Your rings and you fidgeting and talking about dnd campaign ideas and plans. Talking about theater and classes and your friends. You being insanely artistically talented and intelligent and going into in depth explanations about things youre doing or books youve read and hearing you talk about them like youve never been able to before, like theres so much excitement and information about it in your mind like if you dont share it you might explode. Hearing you make jokes about JFK’s ass in Clone High and telling me about Regular Show. You and Keira being morons together and your willingness to try almost any food (even when your allergic). I miss your non-offensive racist (that sounds so hypocritical) jokes. Your voice because its not the same over the phone. I miss your big gestures and movements and how loud and exaggerated you are. I miss your flannels and your lips. i miss you