#but at like 4 am when I have no fear
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Welcome to the Dungeons of Fear and Hunger.
#Fear and Hunger#D'arce Cataliss#Cahara#Ragnvaldr#Enki Ankarian#Unlike Dungeon Meshi - I cannot in good faith recommend this game to a broad audience.#My background with F&H goes as follows: I am hanging out with a friend. He says “hey try this game I've been playing.” I say “Okay!”#I have never heard of this game. I pick the mercenary. I go through 5 min of character history and background. I am mauled to death by dogs#It took me 4 resets to even get in the dungeon. But I finally get there. I am caught by a guard. He cuts off all but one of my limbs#I am forced to crawl around in a blood and corpse pit until the game tells me 'give up idiot'.#I reset. I am mauled by dogs again. I realize this is not for me but I am intrigued enough to go home and watch some playthroughs#And WOW what an interesting game it is! I really do appreciate games that blend their design philosophy with the theme it wants to set#This is a game about fear and hunger. And persevering. And penis (my god is there a lot of penis)#I recommend this to people who like extremely challenging games and can handle the many *content warnings* within this series#If the idea of Bloodborne/eldenring and undertale having a little RPG maker baby sounds appealing to you - give it a shot#It's made by ONE GUY and it's a great horror game. I am just really bad at it.#My friends just enjoy putting me in situations where I scream and yell. We don't talk about the corn mazes. Or the other horror game nights#Apparently I'm funny when I'm Scared!#As people who follow me on twitter might know; I am deep in the pits of this series right now. I will be back with more art.
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Steve Rogers in Avengers: Endgame (2019)
#steve rogers#steverogersedit#evansedit#marveledit#marveldaily#marvelgifs#mcuedit#dailyteamcap#capedit#userelysia#this scene still makes me feel so many things 4 years later#to me he's as brave as they get but it's not because he really has no fears at all#it's because he just does it scared#one of the reasons i am so happy chris evans played steve rogers is because i feel like he really understands him and respects him#he said in his actors on actors interview that he understands what it's like to have a fictional character who's your whole world#and means a lot to you and really inspires you#and that's steve rogers for so many people 🥺#i give the russos sooo much shit (AS I VERY WELL SHOULD) for not understanding steve's character but they ate this one little thing#when they had him grit his teeth and get back up and tighten the strap on his shield and face off an entire alien army alone#the moment he picks up mjolnir is an absolute fan favourite but i think it has some competition for the best steve scene in endgame#this is a crowning moment#*
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— FRANK BIDART.
#teen wolf#teenwolfedit#twedit#allison argent#nolan holloway#mine#this is 4 cat my best friend cat#catnadia verse#no but theyre literally just brainwashed kids#carrying the weight of having their fears and grief used against them#and when they try to be better theyre punished for it#like. okay. what am i supposed to do with this
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and then an overwhelming sense of dread apear.
#finished my last exam for this year YAY YIPPEE YAHOO ETC. but also now we wait for if i pass or not DREAD FEAR WARINESS ETC.#which i rlly don't think i will like. did not feel good abt the 1st exam period felt worse abt the 2nd and this one is like.....idk idk...#pretty confident abt the books part of the exam bc i KNOW i got everything on that correct but the thing is it was an oral exam and i was#stumbling over my words so bad + my voice was quivering i could hear it. hoping they don't count that as minus points but for the speech#thing i also had to do 2day they DO include how your voice sounds when you speak and like stammering and such in the final point count so#like. what if it's the same there.....ALSO they include use of gesturing to emphasize what you're saying and CORRECT EYE CONTACT in the#final point count. which. i don't have a problem with gesturing & i had a piece of paper in my hands so at least i wasn't too bad on that#front but when it comes to eye contact it's only flitting eyes or unnerving stare with me and nothing in between so i'm completely fucked i#that regard.#r.txt#WHATEVER it's done now. stupid ass weird rules WHO CARES if i don't have correct usage of eye contact what even is correct usage of eye#contact?????? like HOW am i supposed to know what the quote correct amount unquote is man. ALSO WHO GIVE A SHIT.#anyway going 2 luxembourg with my family for two weeks on august 5th probably. maybe sooner maybe later. we're going hiking + camping ⛺🌲👣#but the hiking is mostly done without backpacks and the camping is gonna be in campings. camping places. however english calls it.#which is a little less fun but also easier. but also less fun. but ANYWAY we're going on vacation and my final exam is done so no more#stress 💪🥳🙏🗣💥‼ (<- guy who's SO gonna be still having stress until the results come in. and then some afterwards. yay 4 me 🙂👍)
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yeah this cannot go on i need to take something like my chest is exploding i can't calm down it's 7am i feel insane insane insaneeeee
#though I HAVE successfully testing that ldn gives me an insane amount of (anxious) energy when i'm on a 3-4mg dose but then i get foggy and#empty at 4-5mg i think#i'm not sure if i should go down to like 2 or try to find the window between#i wish i just had like. a year to get meds right and heallllll so badly#but i can't afford going all the way down and having more relapses#i feel like i'm having aheart attack rn it's so bad it's so acutely painful#and it's so weird bc it's so empty#too like last month i was so full of everything and especially uh attachment fear but now it's just like pain empty screaming pain#i think it's the not eating food enough thing#i mean I DID eat MANY crackers today. rolls eyes#not enough hhh#i know theres so much i have to get done but like ic annot do anything i can't even message anyone i can't i need to get sedated#i don't know if i should try having MORE ldn or ritalin (probably not bc it doesn't sedate me like adderall)#or just hydroxyzine or muscle relaxers#hydroxyzine is looking like the most likely option#bc i still associate muscle relaxers too much with trauma i can't take them they scare me#i feel like i'm dying#i don't think you guys get how fast i'm typing rn like i am going fucking insane if i die of a heart attack for real it would suck huh#no i KNOW this is panic i KNOWWWW i'm panicking but i also feel like i'm going to throw up and die forever it's so bad i feel so so bad lik#i don't think people get how bad everything is i need it to all calm down and stop i need it to get better i am not okay holy shit#you know what everything in my life might not feel fixable and i am letting all my professors down but I can probably take incompletes wors#comes to worst i need to take hydroxzyine sleep and then cave and buy some food tomorrow#like what's happening now i#there FEELS like there's a SHAARP HOOOK in my CHEST IMAPLING ME#if i sedate myself enough i might be able to communicate with people for real instead of burrowing my head into the ground forever and ever#yeah okay i'm taking hydroxzyine#i feel like the problem with antihistamines now after last year is [redcated]#trying to convinc emyself this is not a suicide attempt or self harm i just need to calm down hahahahafih;aeifahe;wifahewifae#that's what they're PRESCRIBED for#i think i want benadryl instead though bc it's shorter and it also makes me head clearer i wonder if i have any i think it's not here thoug
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so tired, so sleepy
#there will be no hamilton lyrics post today but i'm gonna answer two asks tomorrow#i'm just... fucking exhausted#working my fourth night shift in a row & i barely even get any sleep & i think i have a crisis today#and the problem is that i really like this job but i feel like i have literally no life#last month was crazy#i am always at work i fear#i barely get 4 hours for myself each day & it's only because i literally force myself to get up when i should be resting#because there's another night shift ahead#and i don't want to sleep all day so#idk#i want to cry#working 10 hours each night is probably not good for my health even if it's a well paid job#i say whatever and whatever that i want*
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The seasonal depression + major life stress to agoraphobia relapse pipeline is kicking my ass
#the adhd & demand avoidance don’t help any either#I end up wanting to avoid responsibilities out of spite and bc I’m time blind I don’t even notice how many days I’ve gone without leaving#the house#by the time you add the actual depression and anxiety and trauma I’m already struggling#it’s gotten so hard to go to shabbat services on friday nights bc it’s dark at 4:30 and the temple is in the middle of downtown#in not the safest area and there’s almost no parking#(to be clear it’s not just anxiety or fear preventing me from going. it’s hard to want to go anywhere when it’s dark and cold for normal#human reasons)#but still#i hate being in a position where I feel like I have to assume the worst of other human beings#bc that’s just. not who I am. its incongruent with who I am to walk down the street and assume people are bad and want to hurt me#that’s not a judgement I’d ever want to make lightly#even if I’ve also always been hypervigilant (it’s complicated ig)#(really feel like my nervous system has just not been able to fully stabilize for the past six weeks. it’s already such a hard time of year#for me and with recent events on top of that…)#anyway. I need to start planning ways to leave the house ig.#agoraphobia
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🏞🏞🏞
#the thing is I'm not proud of many things I've done. It's actually the exact opposite.#I kinda suck most of the time if I'm honest. but getting sober and doing it all on my own...#it's one of the only things I'm proud of when it comes to myself. sure.it's my third attempt but 1 year and 3 months...#it's the longest time I've ever managed to not try and deal with myself in a way that slowly but surely fucked me up in a very different way#I still struggle. some days are easier than others#but I'm still doing it.#being sober doesn't magically solve all my other issues but I don't spiral as much as I used to.#i don't think I'll ever be someone people can be around. which is like i don't blame people. i know how i am and how fucking difficult it is#to deal with that. the fear of abandonment that makes me push people away until they leave. the self-fulfilling prophesy of it all#the way i push and when i get the result i was expecting the immediate pull the fear and irrationality#the emotional disreggulation the self-pity#it's gotten better since i stopped drinking. less frequently and all that... but it's never gone not really#sometimes i think about the what could've beens.#what if my childhood went a little differently. what if my dad was there for me when i needed him. what if i wasn't me.#my ex best friend once told me that I'm to desperate to be saved. that nobody can do that anyway.#I'm not sure if I'd deserve it anyway. i have dreams in which I'm still me still dark and ugly and selfish and cruel at times#but i am trying i like to believe that i am already trying. i am. I'm just scared that it'll never be enough.#I'm not proud of many things but I'm 1 year and 3 months sober#only a few days and it's gonna be 1 year and 4 months#i didn't achieve much in my life but I'm here and i am trying every day i am trying and i hope on day it'll be enough#i hope one day i won't cause pain but build something good#sorry... I've just been thinking about it lately#because it is an achievement and i didn’t let myself be proud of how far I've come#alex talks#I'm still scared that people will look at me differently when they know... sometimes i feel like they can see the my rotten core anyway#to delete
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sold his soul
Image ID: Jade Curtiss from Tales of the Abyss playing the violin, wearing a black tuxedo and a light blue shirt. He is concentrating on playing. The music emanating from him are the first 28 measures of Paganini’s ‘Caprice in A Minor.’
#tales of the abyss#jade curtiss#me when i render the pants with a reference and then am left hung out to dry with the tux top#i have also conquered a major fear (drawing any instrument)#it's not perfect!!! but its what we in the business call good enough#ig i'm very happy with how it turned out though :-)#drawing jade in anything other than his uniform is scary to me bc he lives in that fit constantly in my head#but i think he looks good here#also! for those not in the know#the title of the piece is a reference to the rumor that paganini sold his soul to the devil to be such an incredibly violinist#i feel like that's the kind of rumor that would circulate around jade too. just in general.#this is ideally going to be one in a series of 4 (i want to do the other keterburg crew members) and if i'm feeling particularly ambitious#maybe the rest of the party#but. this did take forever. we'll see how i feel once midterms start to hit (checks watch) next week#totart#slydiddledeeart#tota
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when all the ideas come to you faster than you can type but you have to get it down so the doc now looks like chunks of red paragraphs barely cohesive and without punctuation but the Thoughts are there and that’s what matters 🥲
#finished 3/6 !!!! officially !!! unedited hehe#the first 2 scenes are super polished alr#i think ill just continue writing tho then do chunks of editing when im done#bc i feel like going back and forth writing new scenes and editing previous ones kinda slows my progress#started on the 4th scene too and got an influx of ideas ksndkd like the flow of everything but it all happened so fast#and i am now squeezed and too tired to finish it#i feel like …….. col 4 will come out next week and thats final JALXMKANZNS#i can finish it this week but i kind of want it to sit with me for a bit so i can let it simmer and take my time editing#because im really enjoying writing it actually 🥺#i get so deep into it every time im writing 🥹#my only fear now is that it’s boring 😭😭😭😭 or that … i had all these themes in mind but they dont come across 😭#it is the longest piece of fiction i have written thats for sure#jakxnwkcnks#i talked so much again#shotorus.process
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wip cause imma b spending Chrimmus in las vegas so ill finish it when i get back but 🥵🥵🥵
#i think my new fav thing to tediously draw is arm hair RRRUFRUFFF idk why#im visiting my super cool grandma over there im not gambling lmfao bUT GOD IM SO READY AAAAAAA#ive been rotting in this home town for like 8 years so im FINALLY Going On A Vacation#and also bc the planets have aligned and i have money/ am off work/#that POS im unfortunately directly related to wont be there so i NEED to have this decent christmas#rather than ending up a suicidal ball of tears in my bed feeling sorry 4 myself like the past like 4 christmas AHA sweats#headass made me resent and fear christmas after this long but hopefully not much anymore#also im hella excite to just sit and stare at clouds for like 9+ hours i fuckinnn mISSED doing that so muchhhh#plus just bringing a sketchbook and my crusty old mp3 GOD sounds like heaven rn#last time i rode on a plane i didnt even have a phone i feel like im gunna be like a prehistoric rat that transported into yr 3000#anyway i wont b long then ill answer the asks when i get back cause i need to draw for those#i may answer short asks here n there but dont expect much#notebook sketches yada yada#im already sensing im going to draw some arthurs in there like a dog senses a storm
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can’t wait to graduate because yes, that is such an impressive feat that i have done with my time and energy but i also cannot wait so i can find out What is Wrong with me
#‘what do you mean you stopped taking your meds cause you felt better’#‘baby you felt better cause you WERE TAKING MEDS’#i have not had the time to regularly see a therapist or go to the doctor and be like Hey#just time to work a brainless job and decompress and heal before i enter the field#i am so so tired#yet we carry on!#dude i also kinda hate when you say ‘there is something wrong with me’#and someone goes ‘no! you’re perfect the way you are!’#like i know you care about me and are not being malicious but please#i am in constant fear and literally cannot do normal tasks on certain days#i have nightmares 4 out of 7 nights#i am constantly exhausted#there IS something wrong with me
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if i drop out of college i may lose the opportunity to make friends with other people in similar age and interest groups VS i'm already not making friends in college so it's not like i'm missing out on much. FIGHT
#goddddd i am so miserable. things will be ok eventually but right now god they suck#i made it to class today and im so dissapointed in myself bc ive been here for 4 years so ive seen a lot of the same people and i still don#know them and they dont know me. i wish i knew how to make and maintain friendships better#also i know that friendships don't stop when college stops its just the fear talking#but i sure am afraid!#today is the first time ive left my apartment in like 1.5 weeks ive been so fatigued. i dont know how im supposed to do this#but i also dont know how im supposed to tell my mom i might drop out :(#anyways anyways anyways#i have a meeting with a coach from my uni disability services later and i might ask about it then. i feel like theyre gonna discourage me#which is fair but like im not looking for encouragement so much as resources#like if i DO drop what should i do next#orating!
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"how can you not like jonathan and nancy if steve's your fave" well because i actually like him ☠️
the litmus test for actually liking steve is u have to love robin and the litmus test for actually understanding steve is you can't like st4ncy
#asks#also not sure what brought this on but you people are gonna get me killed#To soothe any troubled souls i will just rehash very quickly i like nancy just fine but i like her potential and i don't want her AROUND#HIM RIGHT NOW they need a restraining order 300 feet#and i like jonathan when he's with his family and when he's with argyle and otherwise he is kind of a flop especially re steve obviously#but really i just like whatever fanon jonathan that's been magicked up i never vibed w him to begin w bc i found him annoying and tiring#SORRY!!!! but i hate the ohhhhhuuhhhhh i just want to listen to the smiths and read poetry i'm so tortured types We would not be friends#but then again i wouldn't be friends with like. eddie. also i didn't like eddie either LOL i had to warm up to him as i watched#AAAND. i don't personally like nancy No but i think ppl fall for the misogyny because the duffer brothers are. misogynists.#i would wager platonic st0nathan do still have potential bc the fact really is they just haven't interacted at ALL#i don't even think they've said an actual word to each other since season 1 really#and i am AWARE his little season 4 STEVE? was meant to be lighthearted and then nancy's response is like to open up however the hell#they're going to attempt to fix the st0ncy triangle BUT GOOD GOD loving a character who the narrative hates is soul crushing OKAY#bc i fear they will not fix it in a way that doesn't completely decimate his character let alone nancy's either. Okay let's go outside#oh and i like when ppl like do the fix it nancy treatment like i said i do like her and her potential i think they can all be besties#but s4 also traumatised me#sts
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shoutout to my sibling for enabling me bc homie is going to wake up to a shitton of messages, many of which were sent at 2 am and one notable message sent at 4, we are Having a Normal One
#you don't want to know when the rest of those messages were sent :))#not kpop#shut up vic#i am going through it hyperfixation go brrrr#me: i will experience this media through tiktok clips ONLY#me: ok maybe i will watch this one section of this one vod#me: ok maybe i will watch this other perspective of this one moment in this one vod#me: well perhaps i will go watch this other moment in this other vod#me: oops well i watched the rest of that vod and then started over from the beginning and watched again#me: ok but what if i watched this alternate perspective vod of the same moment#anyway now my brain's like hey what if we watched a third perspective of this moment#send help i can't go back the last time i tried this one of them literally went to jail for ten years#but ughhh i am Enjoying Myself >:((#i don't want to see more people i like go to actual prison for being horrible people off camera#like why is this a very real situation to fear holy shit it is so simple to just NOT be a p*do grrr but some people can't limbo under that#the bar is in the stratosphere but my god they're building spaceships like LADS YOU LIMBO BY GOING UNDER FOR GODS SAKE OR MINE PLEASE#anyway i am having fun and i think it's funny and i am having thoughts and my sibling gets to hear them lol#i'm trying to pretend to myself that i'm not enjoying this as much as i probably am bc :(#but that's a problem for when it's not 4 am lmfao gnight tag readers
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Currently battling with some psychological barriers regarding posting my art on here but just know that the piece I'm working on currently is a banger and I am excited to share it w you guys
#ramblings of a lunatic#ofc then there's the fear that ppl wont match your energy w/ their engagement but also#i feel. dumb for caring? bc im a staunch believer that youre under no obligation to like/rb certain things#I'm just paranoid bc all my last few toh art pieces have gone. overlooked? ig??#i shouldn't put so much stock in ppl interacting with my stuff for sure but at this moment in time i don't know how to stop#I'm getting better about making art for myself but i still do want to share some (if not most) of it#ofc then there's also the mental pressure I've invented that bc fandoms tend to wind down after a show ends (boooo!)#that means i have an arbitrary time limit on when i can get all my ideas out and post things#which is DUMB!!!! THAT'S STUPID!!!!! but I'm still struggling to internalize that it's not Real#OUGH. there's a whole lot goin on in my head rn#swamped with school but also I'm really close to finishing all my coursework#the general low level anxiety and concern that goes on in the back of my mind at all times#the fact that despite all the pre-grieving I've done I'm STILL not done being upset abt the owl show ending#I'm fighting low level demons rn but like. there's a few. 3-4 imps#but like i said even if ppl don't like/see the next bit of art i post i think I'll still be proud of it? deep down??? somewhere???????????#i kind of have to be for my own sanity. lmao <3#anyway april 1st is almost over where i am. goodbye april fools hello dread
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