#bc that’s just. not who I am. its incongruent with who I am to walk down the street and assume people are bad and want to hurt me

[dykesynthezoid]

The seasonal depression + major life stress to agoraphobia relapse pipeline is kicking my ass

[madefate]

i have some thoughts about max's character & the story of NPMD as a whole -- & while these thoughts will absolutely evolve over time, i really want to play with some of the story and dive a little deeper! so, some headcanon thoughts about my portrayal of max & how i imagine things working behind the scenes in the black & white.

this is not meant to bash the show. i'm a huge starkid fan & i love the hatchetfield universe! i've been writing it since 2020, after all. but i found myself a little disappointed with NPMD in terms of its tone & pacing. for me, there's something a little incongruous about the lighter comedy-horror / teen slasher parody tone and the stakes of the lore. especially when compared to the two previous shows & so much of nightmare time. & in general, i feel like the show missed a lot of GREAT opportunities to use the lore it already has to create a larger undercurrent of plot, both for the lords in black storyline & the storyline of hatchetfield high.

personally, i cannot BELIEVE they colored everything in blue, had a bunch of teenagers mask themselves behind facades because being a teenager in high school is hell, had songs about being a literal monster, lyrics about people being "too weak to enslave," the appearance of the black book, the fact that there are five alters and five lords - and pokey wasn't the main villain. yes, i know that this might conflict a little with some nightmare time lore, but i think it would be SO MUCH COOLER (& make more sense) if everything happening with the humans in hatchetfield was the byproduct of a war between the lords in black in a vie for power.

why does hatchetfield in particular suck so much ?? because the church of the starry children started breaking down the barrier between our world & the black and white, so it's CONSTANTLY feeling the influence of the lords in black. and the lords are best at exaggerating everyone's worst instincts. &, of course, all the death & destruction & murder & whatnot. so of course hatchetfield high, as an alter, literally feels like hell.

personally, i think the through line of all three musicals (especially TGWDLM and BF) is the corruption of the humans to act out the will of the lords. so, personally, i believe that the lords are recruiting humans to their side in all of these different realities in order to raise an army and claim the black & white for themselves.

it just makes sense to me! & it's why i feel the pacing and plot falls apart after richie's death. because immediately following that (the best, scariest, most impactful death in the show), we have hatchet town, where everyone turns on each other - and then that plot line goes absolutely nowhere. no one turns on each other! not to mention it's a just a vehicle for callbacks and cameos which is a shame bc it's one of the best songs in the show.

truth be told, these kind of specifics that i headcanon are way more likely to come up when writing webby, but i do think it influence's max's character in a really meaningful way! so, yeah -- a lot of backstory for portrayal notes but that's fundamentally who i am as a person.

i'm not the business of woobifying characters -- i just feel like the one note, shithead bully characterization is both boring, and fundamentally untrue in the show itself, and by the end of the show he's basically just a walking beetlejuice / freddy impression. max has so many lines that indicate that he's not meant to be a flat, irredeemable character - he thinks the nerdy prude gang hates him, he's grateful for their kindness, he paid attention during the harassment assembly, he's clearly the more affectionate & needy part of whatever the gloriously fucked up situationship with grace is. he also has a few lines that indicate something else going on: "the jock you demonize," "you think i seek revenge? ... [the world] needs to be saved and you're too weak to be enslaved," "expose the bloody lie," "who will pray for me when i'm gone? or is this the eternal dark without a dawn?"

i headcanon that max has been succumbing to the influence of pokey for years now. he was a great target - he's angry. as a kid, he went unheard and unhelped from the danger of his father, he had to fight for some form of control, for his voice to be heard. and there's a part of him that knows it's the school, its very location, that gives him so much power. that's his domain, now, for as long as he can hold onto it.

he started to change around the end of his freshman year. he wasn't ever the nicest person, of course -- he's angry, he's traumatized, he's a product of that small town toxicity in a bad way. but he's also been fun, protective, kind of goofy. by the time he's into his sophomore year, the quarterback for the team, all of those good qualities are overshadowed by his need for control, his rage, his cruelty.

i think a neat mechanic is that genuine connections, genuine love and joy, is the only way to fight back against the lords' influence, which is why we see max at his happiest when he believes that he's experiencing a genuine moment of friendship with the nerd crew. -- and his angriest when he dies.

after his death, he grows more inhuman, not less -- scarier, not funnier. the longer he's a puppet of pokey, the more humanity he loses. it's harder & harder to have a conversation with him, to reason with him.

ironically, that's why grace's intervention works. because he's still a teenage guy who thinks he's in love and that simple, genuine emotion is the perfect counter to the lords' influence.

i think his future can go either way - he can be consumed by the black & white, or he can be redeemed and fight to find his humanity again. it all depends on how he grows the relationships with the people around them, & all that power of friendship nonsense!

[butchviking]

Hello! Per the define transgender q I thought I'd put my 2 cents out there as a trans person. The way I'd define it for me is that the way I "see" myself to be incongruent with how I was assigned at birth. To me its more transition/dysphoria based, it has nothing to do with how I express myself via clothes or mannerisms and everything to do with how I feel about myself internally. Not to say gender expression isn't important, especially in someone's transition and wanting to be recognized as the gender they are, but if you only think of trans people wanting to transition in order to fit a stereotype of the opposite sex then that just reduces everything they do to a performance or an act. And gender expression is important whether ur trans or cis, gnc or not. 

Idk. Being trans is just part of who I am, same way that I have brown eyes. Im not "escaping" from anything nor am i confused. I think because ppl recognize/come to terms with being trans differently is also why they say being trans is different for everyone. Even if there is a clear cut definition, it's still gonna look different based on how or if someone is able to medically/socially transition and how far in their transition they are, and anti-trans laws will affect that as well. Community, activism, and support are important regardless. At the end of the day I just want to be able to feel safe in knowing that if I got in a major car accident tomorrow where I will need intensive medical care, that the medical team will treat me even though the parts I have don't match what it says I should have on my driver's license. 

Hope that makes sense I've been typing off and on at work but just wanted to put my perspective out there. Peace love and ray toro <3

huh okay, it's really interesting that u say it's more transition/dysphoria based to u bc i feel like most trans ppl ive spoken to abt it (might b a reflection of the kind of trans ppl i was hanging out w) definitely put identity before transition status/intent.

definitely with u on the gender expression part - i think its a rly common problem that someone sets out on a transition bc of dysphoria & bc they want to be viewed as & treated as the opposite gender by society but somewhere along the way they end up leaning way too heavily on stereotypes for that and they do find themselves trapped in a performance and end up ridiculously self-concious abt it all (like all the transguys who worry endlessly about if they're walking right if they're holding their drinks right if they're SLEEPING right, that one guy who found himself googling "do men eat oatmeal" -_-)

also v interested in ur statement that how ppl "recognize/come to terms with being trans" affects how they define the concept in general.. im gonna think on that but im not sure i know what u mean 🤔 i think i have to twist that one round a little fr it to make sense 2 me... id agree that people often have different motivations for transition & trans identity and that would affect how they define the term... i think that's sort of the same thing, it's just that u see being trans as smthn inherent to a person whereas i see it as a choice so we'd use different wording.

n yeah ive been thinking more abt where exactly i think legal lines n definitions need to be drawn i think im gonna make another post abt it but ur right that community, activism, & support are important regardless and i think for the most part CAN function regardless. & i understand ur concerns abt getting medical treatment - ppl always talk about 'trans healthcare' just meaning medical transition but that's mostly a whole separate thing to actual trans healthcare which is in a scary state rn (& getting scarier in some places - didn't one state recently pass a law that medical staff are legally allowed to refuse treatment if someone is lgbt?) (yeah i just checked of course its fucking florida 😑) n im sorry u have to live w that. u deserve proper care & treatment u deserve to live safe in the knowledge that u will receive that proper care & treatment.

thank u so much for weighing in!! its refreshing 2 get a different perspective here. peace & love & ray toro 😁✌️ <3

[nehslebasi]

an explanation

The problem now is finding a solution. All I want right now is closure. I want to storm up to the door of his apartment and tell him off for ditching me like this. For making me feel like less than a person, for an explanation and apology when I know there's probably none other than people (him) are fickle/never liked me in the first place and people (me) are emotional idiots. Thought I could handle casual, no-strings-attached, thought I could recognize a liar when he tells me I'm special. Ignored every red flag because he'd be affectionate but it's just bc boys know what to do and say to keep you around -_-. I knew this was going to end when I left but I didn't think it would end suddenly days before Tuesday. I knew I meant very little but I didn't think I meant nothing. Like be a fucking adult and say nice knowing you goodbye, leave the ghosting to the undead

The solution last time this happened was to turn to religion. I read the Bible, prayed, and journaled constantly to try to translate the pain into words. I rationalized the end to be part of my growing process, to the process of the pursuit of holiness, to learning to trust in God for the good of my future. It worked. Well, it helped. 

The solution became the problem once more when I felt betrayed by the church that raised me. I saw how my elders so clearly gave zero thought to my generation and stood firmly behind the man that flaunted his amorality. They chastised my generation for its greediness, lust, and sin while defending his. It made me realize I've been holding myself to a standard that these church leaders were willing to erase for a scatalogical man-child at the helm of our country. I thought it would be all right by following the Bible and surrounding myself with people who fought for justice and character. But it turns out it's nearly impossible when walking into institutions of authority (i.e. the church) and family gatherings where your heart is broken over and over again by the incongruity. 

The problem this time, now that it's over, is once again finding a solution. It seems that church and religion are no longer a viable option. I feel like I'm not coming from a place of naivete anymore; all of these things I need to fix and deal with were my choices. I'm not sure how you ask a deity for forgiveness and guidance when you knew you were rejecting him with every decision. I don't know how you turn to the Bible for wisdom when you know that somewhere down the line you're going to turn away again. I'm sick of the cycle.

Now it seems like turning to my friends is all I can do. It's the best feeling knowing who your ride or dies are... but at the same time I don't want to exhaust them with my mistakes.

Also can I stop falling for e?fp types who don't have their shit together or their next life step planned out. Like if you're a cute college grad two years out but don't have a solid income what the fuck am I doing in your apartment