#but are instead getting increasingly more selfish

[biblicalhorror]

Anyway I can't stop thinking about how much more narratively satisfying it would have been if Walter never existed and Misty was the one to kill Kevyn

[housewarningparty]

Part of why it's so frustrating to me that we didn't have the opportunity to spend more time during Vi's pit fighter era and Caitlyn's dictator phase is bc like. Well, I mean those are both hugely significant and interesting ways for them to cope that are deeply reflective of the fundamental differences in their characters

Vi, an undercity kid that spent most of her formative years imprisoned, seeks out pain and oblivion. She finds herself lost and abandoned and immediately reaches for what she's most familiar with - violence. The self harming nature of her fighting career is obvious but I think the other stuff we see in the montage deserved more time too. She drinks to an unhealthy excess, blacking out, getting into more violent altercations. We don't see her seeking out any form of intimacy or connection with people - there are no depicted one night stands or groupies. Instead we see her hallucinating Caitlyn and reacting violently when a guy tries dancing with her.

Whether it's an intrinsic part of her or a trait that was cultivated through trauma, we know that Vi doesn't have many close relationships, but she loves the people near to her fiercely. It's kind of heartbreaking and so fucking interesting that when she's apart from Caitlyn she doesn't try to fill the void with other people. She just misses her.

Vi reacts to being left behind by isolating herself further. She reacts to being hurt by piling more hurt onto herself, channeling her pain into aggression, and when she's not fighting she's trying to numb herself with alcohol. It's a brutal montage and I really wish we'd been able to dive in more to Vi's self destructive tendencies.

Caitlyn meanwhile also reaches for the familiar but in a totally different way. We see her indulging her privilege in a very particular way. Unlike Vi, instead of fully isolating or burying her pain, we see her hold her grief tight in both hands and use it as fuel. She channels her pain into obsessively hunting down Jinx and suppressing Zaun through her increasingly militarized policing campaign. She becomes a workaholic who can't ever stop focusing on her agenda, even as the doubts she has continue to increase. She's stone cold sober in every scene and the combat practice she undertakes at Ambessa's side is controlled, goal-oriented and the complete opposite of Vi's reckless prize fighting.

Instead of solitude, we see her take up with a subordinate that she doesn't have a strong emotional attachment to and take comfort in sex within a dynamic where she perceives she has total control. Maddie doesn't mean enough to Caitlyn to meaningfully challenge her, which we see as Caitlyn ignores her advice and pulls away from her in bed. Hooking up with someone under her is a move that it's hard to imagine the idealistic s1 version of Caitlyn ever approving of and that's why it's so interesting to me. I think it highlights how much of s1 Caitlyn's morality is related to her resisting the ability to abuse her privilege as a favored daughter of Piltover. In s2, she forgoes her earlier attempts for egalitarian reform and justice in favor of indulging more wantonly with her baser impulses for control and power and immediate satisfaction. It suggests this beautiful death by a thousand cuts of her moral center as she loosens her grip on her noble ideals and gives in to this rash impulse, and that pragmatic cruelty, and this selfish want until she's in so deep she's become the sort of brutal oppressive force she had once tried to tear down.

The difference between them in this part of the show is so striking and it's a shame to me that we never get to really see them confront these versions of each other.

[ellatoone7]

❄︎ Trust in me ❄︎

Alexia's favourite girls series

Emilia has some concerns over her future

Emilia had known for a while that maybe football wasn’t her life. From her very first session when she was a lot younger, she always had more of a fascination with picking flowers and making daisy chains or doing cartwheels across the field instead of kicking the ball. She had started gymnastics a few years ago and had taken a very keen liking to it. 

However, as she got older, she wanted to prioritise gymnastics, but the guilt of quitting football was slowly creeping up on her. It didn’t help that her older sister absolutely thrived on the football field, Emilia couldn’t help but notice how her Mami’s eyes absolutely lit up with pride as she watched Issy playing football. The last thing Emilia wanted was to disappoint her Mami. Her Mami, who went above and beyond for her and always showed up no matter what. Her Mami, who had won so many different awards for just how good she was at playing football. Her Mami, who always made her feel safe and so incredibly loved. 

Emilia was always encouraged to communicate her feelings to her parents, something that was instilled into her since she was much younger. Now she was eight years old and for the first time ever she was a little bit scared to talk to her Mami. Emilia had been working up the courage to tell her Mami that she didn’t want to play football anymore, but it just so happened that Isabella had won a very important match and Mami was bringing them to get ice cream to celebrate. Mami was smiling so big, and Emilia didn’t want to be the reason her Mami got upset. 

It didn’t take a lot for Alexia to notice something was wrong with Emilia. The normally animated girl was unusually quiet as she shovelled some ice cream into her mouth. Isabella was on cloud nine as she conversed with her Mami on the tactics of the game and whether they should stick or change it up slightly. “…Tal vez deberíamos poner a Lola en la delantera el próximo Partido.” Emilia’s head dropped even lower as she listened to her Mami and sister converse. Alexia got increasingly more worried as it had been at least an hour with complete radio silence from Emilia. They were on their way home now, all packed into Alexia’s Cupra as she turned the volume of Rosalia’s new song down a little. 

Isabella was still mumbling away happily as she brushes a little bit of grass off her kit. Emilia was staring at her older sister, Mr Biggy clutched in her arms and Alexia thought that maybe Emilia was a little jealous over her sisters win. Completely misinterpreting the situation Alexia looks through the mirror with a small smile, “Hey Meels, you have a big match coming up too. I can’t wait to come watch you play.” Emilia’s heart clenched in her chest at the hopeful look in her Mami’s eyes and she forced a tight smile and a nod which seemed to placate an oblivious Alexia who had made the situation much worse.

Isabella smiled softly at her younger sister, “Meels, you can wear my green boots, the ones that you loved.” Emilia once again nodded before curling in on herself that little bit more. Emilia decides then and there that she wasn’t going to be selfish and just work harder at football. She didn’t want to make Isabella or Mami upset and maybe she would enjoy it. She loved watching Mami play when she used to play for Barcelona, and she loves going to Isabella’s games. 

Emilia’s mind raced with all her favourite people and most of them played football, all her Tia’s who raised her on a football field, and she was now just throwing it away. Before Emilia knew it her eyes were filling with tears as she tried to swallow around the lump in her throat. The blonde tried to breath and calm herself down, but she was all worked up now and she wanted some comfort from her Mami while she still could. “Mami, No me siento bien.” She sniffled as the tears started falling down her flushed cheeks. Alexia quickly found somewhere to poll over so she could give her daughter her full attention. 

Alexia unbuckled her seat belt and turned her body around to make sure Emilia hadn’t gotten sick. She was in full Mami mode, and it felt like her heart stopped beating as Emilia cried. Isabella held her little sisters’ hand with her own frown of concern and started gently rubbing her back in hopes to provide some comfort. “¿Qué pasa nena?” Alexia questioned as Emilia struggled to catch her breath until eventually, she reached out just like she used to when she was a little bit younger. Before she knew it her car door was open, and she was in her Mami’s arms. She buried her face into her Mami’s neck as she whimpered softly, clinging into her jumper as her Mami sways her gently. 

Alexia was distraught as she tried to calm her daughter who she hadn’t seen this upset in a very long time. Alexia wished you were here in hopes of getting Emilia to open up, but Daniela was way too little to leave the house yet, so you stayed at home with Val. Emilia whimpered again and Alexia needed to get her home and hold her until all her hurt went away. Isabella had also got out of the car to wrap her arms around both girls. “¿Se siente mal?” Emilia had a history of motion sickness and still had trouble with long car journeys, but she had never cried like this. The only response she got was a shrug as she sniffled softly, “Vale, mi princesa, we are nearly home just a few more minutes.” 

Alexia felt as if her heart was being ripped out of her chest as Emilia cried for her the minutes she put her back into her seat. Isabella tried to be a replacement, but Emilia wanted her Mami. Emilia was sobbing now completely overwhelmed by her big emotions as she squirmed in her seatbelt, whining for her Mami as she got into the front seat. Alexia tore of her jumper in hopes to calm Emilia down with her familiar smell, Isabella held it close to her sister as she gently stroked her hair. Not even Mr Biggy was comforting Emilia and she hated hat she couldn’t stop crying. 

Alexia had to drive slowly as her hands had started to shake slightly and she would never put her girls in risk. Alexia didn’t stop talking the whole way home, eyes frantically checking her mirror every time Emilia cried out her name. “Mami! I need you!” Isabella cooed pressing kisses to Emilia’s temple as Alexia pulled into your driveway. Alexia’s heart was absolutely shattered, her baby needed her and nothing in the world mattered more than getting her into her arms. 

“Estoy aquí mi bebé, estás a salvo. Estamos en casa y te tengo siempre mi princesa.” Isabella ran into the house bringing Alexia’s jumper and Mr Biggy as she made sure Emilia’s bed was nice a cozy. “Hey, Is, You’re home how did you get…?” You immediately noticed something was wrong when Isabella didn’t stop fidgeting with Emilia’s bed. “What’s wrong Issy?” You gently asked as you grabbed her hands, “Something’s wrong with Emilia Mama.” Isabella fell into you as she yearned for her own comfort, your mind raced with endless possibilities, but you remained calm and held your eldest close. “She wouldn’t stop crying and calling for Mami.” You shushed her gently as you focused on making her feel better. 

You slowly kneeled, still a bit sore from just giving birth a few weeks ago. ‘Look at me Issy, everything’s okay. Mami has Emilia and we will find out what’s wrong, there is nothing to worry about okay.” You felt Isabella relax in your hold as you placed kisses against her cheek, “You are the best big sister ever and I love you very much.” Isabella smiled feeling a lot better now that her thoughts had been reassured. With one last kiss and a promise to let her stay up a bit later tonight, Isabella was guided to go have a shower after her game. 

The minute you caught eyes with your wife you knew something was very wrong. Emilia had Alexia’s shirt in such a tight grip that you were worried her little hand was going to cramp. Alexia was walking slowly into the house as Emilia cried softly into her neck, you approached at the same pace, gently stroking her blonde hair and coaxing her out of her Mami’s shoulder. Emilia whimpered at the interruption but when she saw it was you, she cried out your name, your wife gently passed her on to you. She didn’t go far as her arms slithered around you and pulled you both into her body. 

You took some time to cradle Alexia’s head and press kisses to her temple, she looked heartbroken as she leaned further into you. “It’s all okay, we are right here Meelie. What hurts baby?” Emilia shakes her head as she looks around wildly, eyes swollen and red. “Do you want to go lie down?” Emilia nodded softly as you readjusted her with a slight wince. Alexia was on full alert mode and her hands hovered your body as you placed a reassuring kiss to her lips. “Can you check on Dani, I put her down about twenty minutes ago?” Alexia nodded as she sighed softly, “Everything is going to be fine Alé.” Alexia kisses you again and coaxes Emilia out of your neck so she could give her the most loving kiss as she smoothed out her hair. “Te amo tanto mi princesa, eres mi todo.”

To her relief Emilia smiled softly and kissed her Mami’s cheek. “I love you too.” It was sniffled but it brought some much-needed relief into the heart of the former athlete. You brought her up to the safety of her room before quickly cuddling up with her, Mr Biggy found refuge in her arms, and you helped her put on her Mami’s jumper. She had calmed down significantly as she grew tired from crying, now she just wanted to talk to her Mama about the situation. “What happened sweetheart?” You noticed her looking at you intently which normally meant she had something on her mind. 

“I’m scared.” Her small voice rang out as she cuddled closer to you. “Why are you scared Meels?” You guided her, knowing that she was ready to talk now. Emilia pouted as her eyes filled with tears again and you shushed her gently, rubbing her back until she calmed down. “You can tell me and Mami anything, you know that my baby.” Emilia nodded as her eyes shined from her tears. Her small fingers wrapped around Mr Biggy’s ear as she mumbled something you couldn’t understand. You pulled her impossibly closer, offering your left hand so she could play with your wedding ring something she always used to calm herself down. “I didn’t hear that Meels.” You gently told her as she took a deep breath.

“I don’t…want to play…football anymore.” She stuttered as the words tumbled out; you could see the tension leave her body as she finally told you, her problem. You were incredibly relieved that this is all it was, but you knew exactly what the problem was and why Emilia wanted her Mami so bad in the car. “Meels I know, your gymnastics is starting to clash with it. Mami had been talking to your football coach to prepare them for your leave.” Emilia sat up slowly as she processed the information she was just given. “Mami won’t be upset.” You giggle softly at the pout on her face, “Meels, Mami is going to be so relieved when she hears that this is why you were crying.” Emilia perked up, “Really? Promise?” You held out your pink as she beamed brightly, “Pinky promise.” 

You kissed her head, “Your Mami loves you so much not just for the things you do but for being you. Do you want to know a secret?” Emilia nodded with a curious head tilt, “Mami was the one who suggested you do Gymnastics when she saw your cartwheels.” Emilia nearly burst with joy as she clung onto you tightly. “I am so proud of you for telling me. Did you get very overwhelmed?” You asked trying to figure out how her emotions might have taken over so you can be more prepared next time.

“My thoughts made me worried. I didn’t want to upset Isabella or my Tia’s.” You kissed her again, as she cuddled Mr Biggy. “Your Tia’s love you so much Meels and Isabella will be delighted she gets to keep the goals all to herself.” Emilia giggled as you tickled her, “I want Mami.” You nodded knowing that your wife wanted Emilia right now too. It was as if Alexia knew her daughter was looking for her as there was a soft knock at the door. Alexia had calmed down a little bit now that she was home with her family, Daniela was so tiny, and Alexia softly rocked her as she snoozed. Alexia would be lying if she didn’t say she was walking considerably slower past Emilia’s door, but it was worth it when she heard her favourite sound, Emilia’s giggle. 

Emilia lit up at the sight of her and Alexia had to stop herself from running to the other side of the room to get to her. Alexia got under the covers as Emilia fell into her. Your eyes told Alexia all she needed to know; it wasn’t anything horrific. You let them have their cuddle before encouraging Emilia to tell your wife what was wrong. Emilia settled on top of her Mami before locking her fingers with hers, “Mami I don’t want to play football anymore.” There was no shift in Alexia’s smile as she stared up adoringly at her daughter, she sat up and cupped her face. “Te amo mucho mi princesa. I don’t care what you do as long as you are happy.”

Emilia smiles happily as she rests against her Mami’s chest. “You have a gymnastic competition next week and all you Tia’s want to come. Is that okay?” Emilia nodded tiredly as she cuddled Mr Biggy, “I would love that.” Alexia kissed her hair softly before lying down and bringing her to her chest. “I’m going to stay with her for a bit.” You nodded softly as you leaned down to kiss her. “You are the greatest mother Alexia Putellas, never forget that.” 

[rootspiral]

Agatha All Along deep dive: episode 3 part 3

(Wandavision entries: [1][2][3])

(AAA entries: ep1 [1][2][3][4] ep2 [1][2][3][4] ep3 [1][2][3] ep4 [1][2][3][4][5][6][7][+1] ep5 [1][2][3][4][5] ep6 [1][2][3] ep7 [1][2][3][4][5][6] ep8 [1][2][3][4][5][6][7])

lilia: falling through time, desperately trying to help alice

agatha: bitch I'm trying to save myself!!!!! oh she's so awkward when she thinks lilia's going mad. she's a moment away from grabbing a broom and going there, there like in that 30 rock scene

I know they had a relatively low budget for this show and it was such a blessing in disguise. they invested in great sets and instead of cgi they relied on classic cinema tricks that I find so satisfying?? Idk if it's just nostalgia talking. here they simply move the camera away for a moment, lower the lights and move the actor in position, and it makes for an amazing jumpscare.

baby lilia asking 'vuoi vedere?' do you want to see? because it is a choice for lilia. for a long time she chose not to use her gift- she was simply too powerful, she saw too much, and the knowledge of the future scarred her and made her an outcast among others

alice's smile at seeing a vision of her mom T-T

why inconvenient? what was jen doing? she was an obstetrician and midwife. she was helping women out with herbs and pagan knowledge passed down from mother to daughter. Back in the day midwives were struggling to get their skills recognized in an increasingly male dominated field, they were advocating alternative treatments for women constantly humiliated by condescending modern doctors - from forced bed rest to insane asylums to lobotomy in worst case scenarios. think Charlotte Perkins Gilman's short story, The Yellow Wallpaper. think about everything that happened to Virginia Woolf.

we know that alice was a teenager when lorna died in a fire. she wasn't well, alice says, and we see now that she had a drinking problem. it's equally possible that the demon got to her or that she set herself on fire out of desperation. and if lorna could feel her own mother dying, alice could too.

daang great zombie makeup on the teacher lady

lilia when her incredible abilities made her able to see Death: burdened by knowledge way beyond the scope of humanity she goes into exile

agatha when her incredible abilities made her able to see Death: you know what I'm gonna tap that

I saw people saying that because the Road wasn't real nothing that happened in the show mattered, that they all died for nothing. I disagree completely, and not only because Billy's chaos magic is so astonishingly powerful that he can create a functional Road out of thin air. like, it wasn't a trick, he made it real. But more importantly, what happened to these women, their experiences, their growth on the Road is real. Even if Billy didn't do it on purpose, even if it's fucked up that a teenager can essentially go, you know what would be cool? if they all experienced their deepest trauma! but that's the point, that's the point, that's the whole damn point of the show. life is chaos and nonsense and heartbreak, it's up to you to find a meaning where there isn't any. look at lilia! the lesson is not that you're going to die, but what you choose to do with the cards that you're dealt, with the time that you're given.

while Patti clearly has an american accent, she is speaking correct sicilian, tutti morti su' - they could have had her talk in italian and hardly anyone would have noticed, but they went above and beyond with the details. the latin in the show is also rather impressive, like they actually hired experts rather than relying on google translate

agatha has gotten too used to run leaving a pile of bodies behind. not so easy to consider them just food when you have to live alongside them and witness their feelings, is it?? first wanda and now this!

@perpetualanon pointed out yesterday that agatha also had selfish reasons for wanting to save billy, i.e. she didn't want to risk him being poisoned because who knows what horrors a hallucinating billy could create. Yes! exactly that! it's always worth saying that when agatha has these fleeting moments of compassion and altruism it's in the context of a whole lotta selfishness. i think of her as that drawing of Stitch's badness level, her whole body is almost filled to the brim with awfulness and there's only a thin layer of goodness that she's constantly trying to smother. her actions on the Road are almost entirely selfish, but for the first time in centuries she's surrounded by people, like Lilia here and Jen and Alice and especially Billy, who are accidentally nurturing her almost atrophied good side. and lemme tell you she's pissed about it!

of course these two don't know what a sous vide is, one is dirt poor and the other eats people.

I'm gonna take a stand for zoomers here, he might have never learned what counterclockwise means, but millennials like me would also have hesitated and tried to picture it in our minds. because a lot of us lack spacial intelligence and are generally rather dumb

the shock and terror on her face when she hears nicky crying

another great special effect achieved only with lights and the cast shuffling out of frame

they show the darkhold because they need to mislead viewers and can't give nicky's story away just yet, but doesn't it make sense that agatha would see it? all these centuries blaming rio, and deep down agatha is haunted not by Death, but by her own actions and choices. the way she kept Nicky isolated and unsafe. the way she insulted his memory by going on killing sprees instead of letting herself mourn. the way she used the darkhold to corrupt her soul more and more, because she was never brave enough to confront her guilt.

kathryn hahn really said, do you want Emotional Devastation???? do you wanna see a woman SUFFER? do you want your heart put through a blender??? I can do that in TWO seconds

agatha wants to NOT DIE so badly that she has to drop the clown act and give jen a proper pep talk. because she knows what makes people tick and she can uplift just as well as she can destroy, she can help jen because she knows her so well. there's always that potential there, all of agatha's talent and her intelligence and experience could shape her into a great mother and sister in a coven. a potential that evanora refused to see and that will likely never be fulfilled.

and the irony, the irony of never wanting to hurt jen, to deliberately avoid going after her - because she's a midwife. because nicky was stillborn, because she had to give birth alone in the woods. agatha believes with all her heart that jen's work is fundamentally good and important. and yet she was the one who bound and tortured and violated her. she was so fucking focused on herself that she didn't even realize she was tramping and destroying everything in her path like a mad steamroller. she allied with the enemy, she went against her community's best interests. there's a lot to think about there, I really want to explore it more

patti during that hot ones episode

NOW YOU GUYS REMEMBER HER. and of course it's alice who does

your internalized stereotypes are really testing lilia's patience, billy (and while they consider the oven sharon is writhing and dying on the table)

how it started: jen pushing lilia out of the way

how it ended: "you are my sister in the craft" 🥲

I love you patti lupone

alice is strong! alice is noble! alice is pure of heart!

gee i wonder why

they had to add a goonies poster in billy's room because of this scene, but i guess disney didn't want to buy the copyright so the poster says "the goofballs"

agatha shoving everyone and then kicking jen twice for good measure

my guilty pleasure is watching reactors on youtube (don't judge) and everyone, everyone had my same reaction to sharon's death: she is not really dead. it was too unceremonious, too sudden. you cannot have debra jo rupp unconscious for half an episode and then get rid of her like that, she's too talented, too funny, how can they keep the humor up without her? if sharon is gone they don't want to watch anymore! no, they're gonna bring her back for sure, they're witches, they're going to find a way.

And then Alice dies, and it's unfair, it's too sad, she just had her big victory! that doesn't sit right with you, that the writers would do her so dirty. And then Lilia dies.

Wanda said it from the very beginning: we cannot reverse death, no matter how sad it makes us. Some things are forever. Sharon's death was horrible and uncomfortable and senseless on purpose, because these shows are about the exploration of grief. How can you make peace with the impossible? How can you reconcile yourself with a nice fun lady dying after losing her last shred of agency, scared and alone and forgotten? Didn't she deserve so much more than being just a casualty of witchfolk drama? And how can you reconcile yourself with someone as good and as wonderful as Alice dying in such a cruel way? What about the death of a parent? of a spouse? of a child? What about your own death, as inevitable and inescapable as your birth?

I'm posting this one early cos I didn't sleep last night and I wanna take a nap now 🥲 when I'm tired i ramble, I knew that already. sorry-y!

we get to episode four tomorrow, and y'all know what, or rather WHO, that means!

go to episode 4 part 1

[onceuponastory]

wanted dead or alive - bucky barnes x reader

Plot: In a city ruled by the villainous and greedy Sheriff Zemo, a hero emerges - Bucky Barnes. Together with his band of merry men, they steal from the rich and give to the poor. After doing it for a while, he’s come to expect that doing so makes him less than popular with the nobles. But he never expected to meet someone like Lady Y/N. (Robin Hood!AU) Pairing: Outlaw!Bucky Barnes x Noble/Lady!Female!Reader Warnings:  Mentions of poverty and starvation, period typical sexism and classism, mentions of a potential arranged marriage, reader's parents are assholes, and Bucky and his Merry Men threatening reader at first. But as always, if I miss any triggers, please let me know! Notes: I've had this idea in the works for a while, and finally got the motivation to finish it. Thank you so much to @mrsmischief209 for helping me work out this idea, for beta reading, and for helping me decide on the Nick Fowler look for Robin Hood!Bucky 👀

Once upon a time, in a city on the outskirts of a forest, Sheriff Zemo ruled with an iron fist, casting fear over the community. Selfish and cruel, he and his henchmen found a twisted pleasure in tormenting the people, whether by having his henchmen be deliberately rough with them, or by imprisoning those who dared to speak out against him. But what brought him the most joy was rising taxes and spending the money on himself and his lavish lifestyle. As the people starved, the Sheriff, his henchmen and the nobles flourished, untouched by his laws.

However, it wasn't long before a hero emerged from the shadows, filled with unwavering determination to aid the people and break free from the relentless grip of poverty. Bucky Barnes, witnessing the people's suffering under the Sheriff's rule, couldn’t bear it anymore, so decided to take action. 

It started small - he’d discreetly sneak a few pieces of bread and cheese to people whenever he could without being noticed. As time went on, he upped his skills, and stole more and more food. As time went on, he met various allies who wanted to help his cause: Steve Rogers, Sam Wilson, and others. They formed their own band of rebels, aiming to help the people. Bucky’s Merry Men. As they continued to evade capture, Bucky's determination to dismantle the system grew stronger.

Because although it felt incredibly gratifying to help feed the people, that still wasn’t enough. Zemo's men were still freely attacking and tormenting the impoverished city and its people, with no fear of punishment, imprisoning anyone who spoke out. Bucky and his men knew there was still more to do.

So, they started stealing money from the wealthy and giving it back to the poor. And with each new theft, the nobles and higher-ups grew increasingly aware of their actions.

Especially Sheriff Zemo. First, he sent his henchmen out to get them, but each time, they just evaded his grasp, skilled at hiding in the dense trees surrounding the city, Bucky and his men’s archery skills serving them well. Consumed by anger, Zemo wasted no time in ordering their capture, declaring them as outlaws and placing tempting bounties on their heads to entice the impoverished population to betray them.

Of course, nobody did. So, Bucky and his Merry Men were free to help the people as they pleased, despite the Sheriff and his incredibly powerful friends breathing down their necks.

Yet, despite how gratifying it feels to help others less fortunate than them and enrage the Sheriff in the process… instead, Bucky feels lost. Despite his hatred for the Sheriff, Bucky finds the constant pursuit of him and his men for helping others infuriating, and it only serves to reinforce how insignificant the people are to those in power, and how much they need him. And the longer he observed the people's plight, with no action taken except by him and his Merry Men, the more disillusioned he became with the world.

But most of all, despite his gratitude towards the Merry Men, he secretly dreams of finding his own love and happiness, longing to escape the hardships of poverty. But how can he ever tell them that the heroic outlaw… doesn’t want to be one, at least, not forever?

~ * ~

“Did you see you’ve got a new wanted poster, Bucky?” Steve says to him one day, throwing one over as he and the others relax in the forest, counting the things recovered from their most recent haul. 

“He’s never going to give up, is he?” Bucky laughs. He peers down at the poster, laughing. “I have to admit though, I do look pretty good this time.” He smirks, striking a pose to match the one on the poster. 

“Mhm….” Steve rolls his eyes. “Glad we can see where your priorities lie. Show off.” He teases.

“You’re just jealous you don’t have a personalised one.” Bucky smirks. “I’m just in high demand, Steve.” Steve scoffs.

“Yeah, we’re so jealous that Sheriff Zemo isn’t actively encouraging people to hunt us down just for trying to help people.” 

“Technically, he is.” Bucky retorts with a smirk. Although he can’t help but feel a pang of guilt. Although grateful for their help, this fight is his alone. He doesn't want them to be hurt because of him.

He can do this alone.

He’s used to being alone, after all. By now, he’s come to expect it.

“Don’t give us that look,” Sam chuckles. “We want to help you. We’re in this together. No arguments.”

“But-”

“But nothing.” Steve cuts him off, and the others nod. Bucky sighs, nodding. 

“Thanks, guys.” He smiles. “It means a lot, you helping me with this.”

“Oh, is the big and scary outlaw suddenly going all gushy and cute on us?” Sam laughs. Bucky rolls his eyes, but can’t deny a small pink hue forms on his cheeks.

“Shove off.” He groans. “Now, come on. Let’s get to work.”

Bucky and the others get started on their training, completely unaware of how their paths would intertwine with someone they could never have expected. Someone else also seeking an escape from their life, this time on the opposite end of the social spectrum. 

~ * ~ 

“Are you sure this is safe, my lady?” Lady Y/N’s maid Rose asks. Y/N chuckles. 

“I’ll be fine. It’s just a ride in the forest.” She smiles, smoothing down her dress. “And I told you already, you can just call me Y/N. Only my parents expect their full titles.” She groans. “I hate it. It feels so impersonal. You’re just the same as me, regardless of our upbringing.”

Despite her noble birth, her life of privilege and wealth, being taught and practically raised by maids and tutors, wearing fine silks and eating quality meals with fine wine to wash it down with…. Y/N hates every single part of it. She hates how people around them flaunt their wealth whilst others suffer, and how her family expects her to find a smug, rich husband of her own to continue the cycle. 

Unlike her parents and everyone else in their social circle, she empathises with the plight of the poor, and longs to help them whenever and wherever she could. She sees her maids as friends, rather than staff. Unfortunately for her, she can’t help as much as she wants to. Her chances of changing society and making something of herself are limited, especially as a woman.

“Remember, there’s that outlaw. He does a lot of good, but-”

“Bucky Barnes.” Y/N sighs dreamily, her eyes sparkling. “Isn’t he exciting?”

Luckily for Y/N, a respite soon appeared in Bucky Barnes and his Merry Men. After being dragged to so many fancy parties and dinners with her parents, Bucky Barnes became a hot topic amongst her parents and their social skills. Either he and his Merry Men robbed them, or they knew someone who had been targeted. Of course, Y/N pretends to be horrified by the news of Bucky and the Merry Men’s escapades, but deep down, the stories of their bravery and heroism excite her. Finally, someone who understood how she felt, someone who could challenge those in power and help others where she couldn’t. 

Bucky was a warning amongst her parents and their friends, a dangerous threat to society and to their social standing. But to Y/N, he was her saviour: someone who showed her that there was a life outside of stuffy dinners, a way to help others. She dreamt of meeting him one day, explaining her story and how she wanted to help. Of course, in her dreams, he always took her under his wing right away, helping her flourish into a member of his team.

He was her hero before she even met him. 

And of course, the fact his wanted posters make him look easy on the eyes isn’t so bad, either.

“Well, yes, but he dislikes nobles.”

“With good reason!” Y/N retorts.

“But you’re a noble.” Rose reminds her. Y/N chuckles, waving off her friend’s worries. “I’ll be fine. I won’t stray too far, I promise.” 

Before Rose can say anything else, Y/N has said goodbye and is heading downstairs. “Where do you think you’re going?” her father raises a brow, his voice booming down the hallway. 

“Just for a ride, father. Rose already knows.” She explains, trying to ignore the steady increase of her heart rate. Her father scoffs, rolling his eyes.

“I do wish you would stop calling her that.”

“That is her name, father.” She reminds him. Asshole.

“Don’t backtalk me.” He snaps. “Regardless of whether that's her name or not, it's irrelevant.” He snaps. “I won't allow you to tarnish our family name with your wish for a happy ending and your equal rights nonsense.” He scoffs. “When will you learn they are lesser than us?” 

“Father, I was just being-” she insists, but he cuts her off, his expression twisting as his anger increases.

“I don’t care.” He huffs. “I suggest that you remember your place in this world. Sooner rather than later.”

With that, he storms into the dining room, slamming the door. The sound reverberates around the hallway, making her jump slightly. Her fists clench, both with anger and upset, and she has to grit her teeth practically to dust to stop herself from going after him and giving him a piece of her mind.

How dare he speak about her friend like that?

How dare he speak about anyone like that?

The quicker she gets out of this place, the better.

And with that, Y/N races to the stables and mounts her horse, riding towards the forest. The wind blows, her horse's mane flowing in the wind as her hooves pound the ground and the sun beats down, warming her skin. She takes a deep breath, inhaling the fresh spring air. She loves it here; the tranquillity is exactly what she needs after dealing with her parents and their horrible attitudes.

Yet as she rides deeper into the forest, she does not know she’s being watched.

“Think she’s a noble?” Sam smirks. Bucky raises a brow, staring at her dress as she rides by. The dress is quite simple (at least, by noble standards), but the expensive fabric and detailed embroidery gives her away. Bucky chuckles. 

“Oh yeah. This one should be easy enough.” He grins. “Come on.” He chuckles.

In the next clearing, Y/N lets her horse take a break, fetching some water from a nearby stream whilst she relaxes. “There’s a good girl.” She chuckles, stroking her horse’s mane. Her father’s words from earlier echo in her mind:

“I won't allow you to tarnish our family name with your wish for a happy ending and your equal rights nonsense.” He scoffs. “When will you learn they are lesser than us?” 

She groans, leaning against a tree. “I just wish he could see how I feel.” She sighs. “Realise the unfairness of having your life planned before you can decide what you want. I want to make my own decisions in life.”

Suddenly, a twig snaps behind her. Y/N frowns, raising a brow. “Hello? Is somebody there?”

No answer comes, adding to her confusion. “Maybe it’s just a wild animal.” She chuckles, trying to ignore the way her heartbeat is increasing. She turns back to her horse, ready to ride back…. But then, footsteps. Y/N turns back, seeing a figure approaching. His blue eyes focus on her, and he grins. Y/N’s eyes widen.

“You’re… Bucky Barnes.” She gasps. After longing for this moment for so long, she finally has it, as if given to her on a platter.

“Indeed, I am. I see my reputation precedes me.” Bucky chuckles. 

His wanted posters don’t do him any justice. He’s stunning.

“Oh, I’m Y/N.” She nods. Bucky nods, coming closer. 

“What is your business here?” He demands. Then, she notices other men are coming out of the trees now, circling her. They all stare at her, grinning. 

And then the penny drops. 

Oh. 

Oh, shit. 

After all, Rose was right. Everyone knows what Bucky Barnes and his Merry Men do to nobles. And despite her dress being one of the more simple ones she owns, she’s not exactly inconspicuous. “Take it easy…we’re not going to hurt you. We just want your money.” Bucky says. 

“I don’t have any.” She stammers, backing away once she notices the knives strapped to his waist and the bow and arrow on his back. Bucky is her idol, but she never imagined he would endanger her, even as a noble. “Bucky, listen, I-” she urges.

“Not good enough, sweetheart.” He smirks. “You nobles are always carrying wealth, or something expensive. You just can’t help yourselves, can you? You are always flaunting your wealth. So hand it over.” He orders, his blue eyes now focused on her in a glare.

“Excuse me? You know nothing about me.” She retorts angrily. Bucky chuckles harshly.

“I don’t want to know anything about you nobles.” He scoffs. “I already know your type. You don’t care about anyone but yourself.” He’s even closer to her now, staring at her curiously, weighing up which things he can steal. “Well, it ends now.” He declares, his voice deep and husky. Y/N’s heart pounds, and she tries to remain calm, despite the men approaching her. 

She’s dreamt of meeting and helping Bucky for months. And now he’s in front of her… it’s not living up to her expectations, to put it mildly. Yet…with the way he’s sizing her up, she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t still the slightest bit attracted to him.

“Bucky, please. I believe in your fight. Let me help you.” She insists. “I’m not like them.”

“Yeah, right.” Bucky scoffs. “You think you’re not the first noble to tell us this? To scream and beg that they didn’t mean to hoard all that wealth? You just couldn’t help it?” He rolls his eyes, clearly sceptical, only making her angrier. “I want to believe you, but you nobles do nothing to change it. You just sit there whilst the people suffer.”

“Because I can’t do anything!” She retorts. “What do you expect me to do? My parents don’t listen to me anyway, let alone other nobles.”

Bucky rolls his eyes. “Oh, please. People are starving in the streets, but you and your rich friends live such pampered lives. This is only fair.” He scoffs, which infuriates her.

“For someone so keen to help others, you’re such a judgemental asshole.” She snaps. “Many things can be said about you.” She retorts. “You’re an outlaw, a filthy criminal.” She says. “Sure, you want to help people, but maybe you care more about how it boosts your image.” Bucky’s face falls, his firm resolve faltering. 

She briefly regrets upsetting him, aware of Bucky's dedication to his cause, but it fuels her determination to prove him wrong. “See, you know I’m wrong, that you can’t judge people by where they come from in life. Yet you do it to me. Being born noble does not mean I’m like them.” She says. “I despise the people around me, how greedy they are, and how willing they are to hurt others for their own gain. I try my best to help those in need wherever I can, even if it’s just treating my family’s servants with dignity.” She continues, impassioned.

“Do you have any idea what it’s like, listening to them boasting about all the money they’re making whilst the poor suffer? Being pressured to find a rich husband of my own to continue the cycle? Knowing I can’t do anything about it because I’m a woman, and nobody listens to me? I’m just expected to sit there and look pretty, because ‘I’m not smart enough for these discussions’?” 

“Well, no, but-” Bucky frowns. Of course, plenty of nobles have begged for their mercy before. It’s something he’s used to. But never like this before. This woman, she’s different, she has some fire in her.

And honestly, he likes it. 

“No. You don’t.” She snaps. “They’ve raised me to inherit a life I don’t want.” She tells them. “One full of misery. My parents want to pick out a husband for me, surely one as cruel and greedy as the other nobles.” She knows it’s not Bucky’s fault this is what her life is, but she’s using him as her escape, a way to unleash her anger. “I used to idolise you. I hear so many stories about you, about all of you,” she gestures to the Merry Men “and the good deeds you do. And whilst everyone else I know hates you, I admire you. I wanted so badly to join you. Because I understand your fight, Bucky. I want to help you. You were my escape from my life.” She admits. “But seeing you here, now? Judging me just like the way the nobles judge those lesser than them? And how they judge you? Oh, how the mighty have fallen.” She scoffs. “So fine. Take my necklace and keep doing what you’re doing, believing we’re all horrible people.” 

Silence hangs in the air as she finishes up, with Bucky and the Merry Men all watching her intently. “That was…quite the speech.” Bucky chuckles, lost for words. Heat spreads across her cheeks. Now she’s definitely going to get it.

“I was just…” Bucky shakes his head, smiling.

“No, no, please.” He reassures her. “You may be right. Perhaps we have become too judgemental over the years.” He nods. “You really mean that? You want to help us?” He asks, his voice softer. Y/N smiles. 

“Yes, I do.” She agrees, and Bucky nods. 

“Excuse me for a moment.” He steps back from her, calling his Merry Men into a huddle. They murmur amongst themselves. Y/N raises a brow, trying to discern what they’re saying.

“Are you sure about this?” One asks incredulously. “She’s still a noble.”

“She’s right though.” Sam nods. “We can’t do what we do and judge her, too. We barely know her.”

“And she told us she empathises with our fight and told us to just take her jewellery! They never do that.”

“I don’t know. We can’t just take her word for it. What makes you think she’s so believable?” 

“I don’t know. I just have a feeling.” Bucky smiles at his words, and Steve chuckles.

“Oh. I see.” He grins. “Well, I’m in if you are, Bucky.”

“Me too.” Sam nods. Other Merry Men nod, and soon Bucky realises that most of the Merry Men want Y/N to help them. 

He has a good feeling about this.

~ * ~

Soon, Bucky walks back over to her. Y/N watches curiously, hoping he didn’t notice her staring.

“I was expecting you to make a break for it.” He admits, seeming genuinely surprised. “Most of them do.”

“I told you.” She chuckles, the sound a happy burst through the trees. “I’m not like most nobles.” Bucky smiles.

“I can see that,” he whispers. “you’re special, Lady Y/N.” 

“Oh no, please just call me Y/N.” She shakes her head. “My title sounds so formal. I hate it.” But she won’t deny how good it feels to have her title leaving Bucky’s lips. It even makes her stomach flutter.

“You’re really challenging my expectations.” He chuckles. “Anyway, my Merry Men and I were talking, and…”

“And?”

“If you’re serious about helping us… we’d like to take you up on your offer.”

“Really?” she gasps. 

“Consider it a test of sorts, to see your true character, and if you really mean what you say.” She nods. Whilst it still stings to know they don’t fully trust her, this is good. It’s a start, an opportunity to prove herself. And besides, even if she’s not enough for them, at least she’s helping others… and getting to see the incredibly cute outlaw as she does. “We were thinking you could spy for us. Go to your fancy parties, listen in to their conversations, and report back to us.”

“Perfect. I can do that.” She nods. The thought of going back to those unpleasant parties with older men makes her stomach churn, but at least there is some potential for good to come from it. Bucky holds his hand out, and she shakes it.

Despite being an outlaw, his hands are surprisingly soft.

“Well, Y/N.” He says, a smile playing on his lips. “Welcome aboard. Let’s see what you’re capable of.” He chuckles, a glint in his eye.

~ * ~

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[catmiemy]

Another Chance to Live Part 2 (Ana Maria Crnogorčević x Reader)

Summary: Ana has to play against her former club with your former team. You do your best to support each other and slowly become closer.

Part 1

A/N: It took me a bit longer to re-read and edit this than I thought since it made me emotional because of another transfer that I'm still in denial about 😭

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this next part. I'm always happy to hear what you think or what you'd like to see in this story.

Just like you had hoped, Ana and you continued to hang out regularly. In fact you spent most of your days off together and even met up fairly often in the evenings, relaxing either at her or your apartment. More often than not you still couldn’t believe your luck that the Swiss woman actually liked being around you too.

You made sure to steer away from any deep topics though, keeping in mind that Ana preferred when you offered distractions when she seemed unhappy. It wasn’t always easy for you because you wanted to know everything about her and you longed to comfort the blonde when she looked at you with sad eyes. However you understood that she had other people, better friends, that she could talk these things over with.

On the other hand Ana with her sweet and caring nature always asked how you were doing and offered to listen to your problems the moment she picked up that something was bothering you. The desire to tell her everything was almost unbearable at times. You wanted to unload all the things weighing on your heart , well maybe not everything, you would never reveal your feelings for her, but other things like the situation at your club or with your family.

However you didn’t. You successfully kept yourself from spilling your sorrows to Ana. For one you didn’t want to burden the Swiss woman with your problems, she had enough going on without you adding to it. And also you didn’t want her to know that she was the only person you would actually feel comfortable opening up to. It was a painful reminder that Ana was so much more important to you than you were to her.

A few days before Atlético was due to play Barcelona in Madrid the two of you were hanging out again. You had cooked some food together and then settled down in front of the TV for the night. You could tell that the Swiss woman was having a hard time focusing on the show you were watching, even though she had picked it.

Ana kept sighing quietly and glancing over at you. You in turn did your best to distract her, offering up your thoughts about what you were seeing on TV. It was getting increasingly difficult not to ask the blonde what was going on.

‘She prefers a distraction. She doesn’t want to talk about it, at least not with you. What she wants from you is a distraction, so try to find some interesting or funny things to say for crying out loud!’ You reminded yourself over and over again.

You were searching your brain to find something good to say when Ana broke the silence. “Can I ask you something?” She asked timidly.

The insecurity in Ana’s voice took you by surprise, that was really unlike her. But you didn’t dwell on it; instead you quickly assured the Swiss woman that she could always ask you anything.

“Okay, so…It’s not really a question but a favor. And it’s totally fine for you to say no, don’t feel bad at all if you say no! Especially because it puts you in a bit of an awkward situation. You know what, I’m just now realizing how stupid and selfish this is and I just changed my mind.”

You reached out to place your hand on Ana’s thigh, hoping to comfort and calm the clearly agitated woman this way.

“Hey, don’t worry. Just ask me. I have no doubt that the answer will be yes,” you encouraged her.

There wasn’t a single thing you could think of that you wouldn’t do for Ana. Well maybe there were some things, most of them illegal in one way or another, but you doubted that the Swiss woman was going to ask for any of them.

Ana took a deep breath before rushing out her request, “Would you come watch our game this week? The idea of seeing all of my former teammates again really hurts and it would help me so much if I knew you were there. I understand that it’s a lot to ask because my team is your former team, so like I said…”

„Yes, of course I’ll come, it’s the least I can do,” you interrupted the Swiss woman.

Sure you weren’t too keen on going back to Atlético’s stadium and see all of your former teammates play together without you, but the simple fact that Ana asked you to come and even said it would help her, was enough to forget all about that. Who cared if it would make you a little sad? Who cared if maybe some people would come up to you and bring up the still painful transfer? You definitely didn’t, not if you had a chance to make the blonde feel better.

For some reason Ana seemed taken aback by your answer. “Wait what? It’s the least you can do? What have I ever done for you? If anything I owe you! You keep hanging out with me; you keep showing me amazing places here.”

You scrunched up your nose at the blonde’s words. It didn’t sit right with you that she made it sound like hanging out with her was a chore for you, not when it was the only thing that brought you any joy lately.

“But I love spending time with you!” You cried out, for once completely forgetting to add the obligatory ‘as a friend’.

A soft smile appeared on the Swiss woman’s face when she heard your words, as well as the indignation in your voice.

“The same is true for me,” she was quick to assure you, before focusing once again on her first question. She wouldn’t let you wriggle out of this so easily. “But seriously why do you feel like you need to pay me back in anyway? I don’t remember ever doing anything for you.”

Slight panic began pumping through your veins, as you scrambled to come up with anything better to offer up than ‘You hang out with me when you’re so much better than me and there are surely so many better people in your life that you could hang out with.’ That just wouldn’t do. It was one thing to be pathetic, but another thing to shout it from the rooftops.

“I didn’t really mean it like that. Just that I’m always happy to do anything for you,” you mumbled finally. This time you caught yourself however and quickly continued, “I love being there for my friends.”

Ana didn’t need to know that there was no one else on the planet you would do this for.

“Aw, you’re so sweet,” the blonde cooed, her compliment instantly making you blush. “And I hope you know that I’m always happy to do anything you need as well.”

You nodded instinctively, not believing it for one second. Not that you doubted that Ana would be there for you in a for a friend reasonable manner, but your commitment to her went way beyond that. There was very little the blonde could ask for that you wouldn’t do for her.

Thankfully the conversation moved on to safer topics after thi and you could relax once again. At least as much as you were ever able to relax around the woman you were hopelessly in love with.

---

When you walked to your seat in Atlético’s stadium a few days later you cursed yourself for agreeing to this. With every step you took it felt like the sadness inside of you grew, taking up more and more space until it was almost impossible to breathe.

This was supposed to be your stadium. Your teammates, former teammates you reminded yourself, had often called you the Alexia Putellas or Leah Williamson of Atlético Madrid. Someone that practically bled their team’s color, born and raised there, and honestly set on dying there too.

Not that you had ever been on a level comparable to Alexia or Leah, which had become painfully obvious when Aleti just dropped you like you were a piece of trash. You hadn’t told anyone this yet, but after that conversation you had seriously considered giving up football once and for all. The thought of playing anywhere else had been ripping you apart. But in the end the idea of not playing the sport you loved at all anymore had been even harder to bear.

You thanked your lucky star that you at least made it to your seat without anyone approaching you. At this point you weren’t sure if you would be able to keep it together if anyone spoke to you. Maybe the people around you could read as much on your face because you could definitely hear some whispering and felt a lot of gazes resting on you, but miraculously people kept their distance.

Although it was possible you were wrong about seemingly everyone watching you. You didn’t look around to check if the stares you could feel were actually real, instead you made sure to keep your eyes carefully trained on the pitch, avoiding making eye contact with anyone, which might inadvertently  give them the courage to come up to you.

So you sat there, totally rigid, every fiber of your body tense, wishing for the seconds to pass by as quickly as possible, but somehow that only made them crawl slower than a snail. Maybe you should just leave, come up with an excuse why you had to go. Was this really worth it?

You got your answer the moment Ana entered the pitch, looking around the stadium searchingly. The instant she spotted you a big smile appeared on the blonde’s face, all of the tightness leaving her body momentarily. 

Yes, this was worth it. Ana was worth this and so much more.

You kept thinking of the Swiss woman’s happiness and relief at seeing you when people got bolder during half time, walking up to you to tell you that they missed you at Atlético, that it wasn’t the same without you and that they would never forgive the club for their treatment of you. Empty words since they were here supporting them right now.

Not that you wanted them to turn their backs on the team. You understood having conflicting feelings, your own probably the most complicated of them all. Being back in this stadium you played so many of your games, made you furious and sad, but it also filled you with a longing to go back and brought about a sense of worthlessness. Why hadn’t you been good enough to keep around?

Despite Ana’s best effort to act nonchalant you saw the signs of her struggles clearly, even from the relative distance of the stands. So throughout the entire game you kept watching the blonde like a hawk, as if you could help her feel better about this by some sort of telepathic connection that required a laser like focus on your end.

This way you observed how tense Ana was when her former teammates hugged her, almost reluctant to accept the loving touches because she knew she wasn’t going to see them again anytime soon after this night. 

You also saw how lost the Swiss woman looked on the pitch when the game started. As if she couldn’t quite wrap her head around the fact that she was on the field with the Barça girls, but not as their teammate.

And you noticed that Ana avoided looking over to the traveling Barcelona fans until the game was finished, despite them chanting her name several times. Only once the final whistle was blown did she go over. It seemed impossible from your spot practically on the other side of the stadium, but you were sure you saw the Swiss woman holding back tears as she thanked them profusely.

You kept on watching while Ana talked with her former teammates. She smiled while chatting, but it was a smile filled with sadness. You briefly wondered if the Barça girls could see that as well. Did they even care? Even though you knew this wasn’t their fault at all, you felt an irrational anger towards them. How could they move on from Ana so quickly? They should have raised hell!

If you would have paid the Barça players any attention you would have seen the unhappiness and concern on their faces, clearly missing the Swiss woman a great deal. However your focus lay solely on the blonde.

The moment Ana disappeared into the tunnels, you also began making your way out of the stadium, keeping your head down and brushing off everyone that tried to initiate a conversation with you. They probably thought you were being rude, but you didn’t care. You were on a mission to get to Ana’s car, the agreed upon meeting point, as soon as possible.

If you would have stopped and thought about it for a second you would have realized that there was no way she would be there anytime soon. The Swiss woman still had to shower and stay around for the post match talk, so really there was no rush. Still, you hurried there as fast as you could.

And to be honest you also felt much more comfortable in the parking lot, an area off limits to the public, than in the stadium surrounded by so many curious fans. They had all been friendly and every single one that had spoken to you had stated that they were on your ‘side’, but nonetheless it was a constant reminder of your unwilling departure from your childhood club. And if it were up to you this subject would stay buried underneath heaps of pretending.

Therefore you worked hard to keep your mind away from your own dark thoughts while you waited for Ana, focusing instead on contemplating every possible emotional state the blonde could be in and how you could be a good distraction for her tonight. Because even though the two of you had to leave for your respective national teams tomorrow you had decided to spend the evening together, maybe even have a sleepover.

When the Swiss woman appeared, the first one from the team to get to the parking lot, she was a little out of breath and looked drained. Not physically, but emotionally. You debated giving her a hug, however Ana decided for you by walking directly towards the driver seat and slipping in without pausing for a second.

You assumed that she was just eager to leave, perhaps scared that one of her former teammates would catch up to her and would want to have a prolonged conversation. That was definitely something you were a little anxious about yourself with your own former teammates. Therefore the quick departure suited you just fine.

And when you caught a glimpse of some of your former teammates entering the car park as you drove off, you thanked Ana in your mind.

The truth was that the Swiss woman had actually done it for you. Throughout the night she didn’t have the same opportunity to continuously watch you as you had, but still she kept glancing over at you any chance she got. And Ana had noticed instantly that you didn’t feel comfortable, everything about your posture and your expression had screamed that you wanted to leave. So she had made sure to rush and get you out of there as quickly as she could.

During the car ride home you kept up a constant stream of light chatter, hoping that it posed a good enough distraction for your companion. Now that she was so close, you didn’t dare to outright stare at her like you had done during the game, but with some quick glances now and then you ensured that Ana looked mostly calm, not really happy though.

At your apartment you had everything waiting for a cozy movie night. You ushered Ana to sit down and relax, while you whirled around the apartment getting everything ready. It didn’t take long since you had prepared what you could before leaving for the game.

Once you sat down and flicked on the TV, turning to the Swiss woman with a slightly forced smile, you noticed that something wasn’t right. Ana was chewing her lips nervously, tapping the tips of her fingers together in quick succession.

“Is everything okay?” You blurted out before you could stop yourself. “No wait, I’m sorry, forget that. Let’s just watch the movie, hopefully that will be a good distraction and if not, just tell me. Then we can try something else. Maybe play a game? Or just go to sleep?“

Ana sighed deeply, unhappiness etched on her usually so happy face. Anxiety began freezing your veins; you weren’t doing a good enough job at distracting her. You weren’t good enough.

“Look I know I said that stupid thing about preferring distractions once but I didn’t mean it. I just said it because…” Ana trailed off, looking very uncertain if she should continue.

“What?”

That was the only thing you could think of. The idea that all this time you hadn’t actually been giving the blonde what she craved most, felt like a stab through the middle of your heart. But even more so you wondered, if you hadn’t than why had she still been hanging out with you?

Apparently Ana decided that she did want to explain her reasoning some more. She took a deep breath before she continued talking.

“I only said it because I felt so bad complaining about my transfer to Atlético to you of all people. But I’ve regretted it almost every time we’ve hung out. Because I want to talk with you about it, I want to talk about everything with you. And most of all I want you to talk to me about your own unwanted transfer and how it makes you feel. But I felt weird pushing you to open up about it after I said I didn’t want to talk about mine.”

There was too much in Ana’s explanation that you didn’t know how to deal with, so you focused on the things that were easy for you, “You know you can always talk to me about anything. Please never feel bad about that, I’m always happy to listen! And don’t worry about me, I’m totally fine with my transfer. These things happen and it’s not like Real is a bad team or anything, so I can’t really complain.”

That was a flat out lie of course, you had been complaining a lot about your transfer and you definitely still had strong feelings about it, all of them bad. But Ana didn’t need to worry about that, not when she was struggling with her own club situation.

The Swiss woman scooted closer to you, putting a hand on your thigh. She looked at you seriously and you knew instantly that the Swiss woman didn’t believe a word you had just said.

“Don’t do that, please. It’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to feel bad after being dropped by your club, I know I do and my connection to Barcelona wasn’t even a deep as yours with Atléti.”

The softness of Ana’s voice combined with her words, words that you had been craving to hear for the longest time, brought tears to your eyes. You blinked furiously to get rid of them and quickly diverted your gaze, hopefully blocking the Swiss woman from seeing your watery eyes. Of course you had no such luck.

Ana closed the last few centimeters of distance between you, wrapping an arm around your shoulder. Still, you didn’t turn to meet her eyes. You were fine. The transfer didn’t bother you. At least not enough to cry about it to the Swiss woman.

“Maybe tonight we can just be sad together? I think we both need that,” Ana suggested, her voice quivering.

This made you look up. When you saw that the blonde’s own eyes were also filled with tears your resolve to be strong crumbled. If Ana needed this than you would give it to her. And if it just so happened to align with what you longed for as well that was just a lucky coincidence.

“Okay,” you mumbled and that was all Ana needed. She drew you against her, practically pulling you into her lap.

You held out a second longer but when you felt Ana’s body shaking from her sobs and heard her crying, you didn’t bother to hold yourself back any longer, letting your own tears fall.

And that’s how you stayed for a long time, the two of you falling apart in each other’s arms. You didn’t really talk about anything that night, simply relocating to your bedroom and falling asleep in each other‘s arms once all the tears had been shed.

That was a first for the two of you. At every sleepover before you had kept a careful distance, both of you sleeping on their designated side of the bed, but that night nothing was keeping you apart.

[avonne-writes]

Put That Guy in a SituationTM Ask Game/Prompt!

#21 for Gale? Pretty please? 🥹🙏🏻

Again, sorry that I took so long! I'm trying to fill all the pending prompts in my inbox now. Thank you for sending this one! 🩷 I wrote a quick drabble tonight, I hope it's okay.

21. Fear poison/gas

A fist swings towards Crank's face, but it ends up colliding with the arm he raises in defence. Buck groans in pain as Hambone and Jefferson jump in to intervene and tackle him to the floor of their crowded room in the stalag. The three of them start wrestling on the floor accompanied by curses, grunts and Buck's panicked wheezing.

"What the fuck did they give him?" Hambone yells as one of the chairs is knocked over by Buck's legs kicking out.

"No idea." Crank replies, deep lines on his forehead. He throws himself down to trap Buck's shins and keep him from breaking someone's ribs with his feet. "Buck, calm down! It's just us!"

"Let me go!" Buck cries out. His pupils are blown wide, and his gaze darts around the room like a trapped, feral animal's. Cold sweat peppers his sallow, sickly face.

The Krauts took him away this morning and only just brought him back a few minutes ago. No explanation, nothing. They just dumped him on one of the beds unconscious, then left without a word. Brady ran out to get Bucky, but in the meantime, Gale woke up, and the first thing he did was attack anyone who touched him. They're all going to sport bruises tomorrow, no doubt. The familiarity of their voices doesn't seem to register in his mind, and the wide-eyed terror on his face suggests he doesn’t recognize their faces either.

Even with three men holding him down, Buck doesn’t stop trashing to get free, but the noises he’s making take an increasingly desperate edge. Crank doesn’t know how to help him when he's in this state of mind. You can’t reason with him.

Thankfully, the door swings open, and Bucky rushes inside, kicking the toppled over chair out of the way to get to Buck's side.

"Gale!" Bucky drops to his knees and cradles Buck's face with his large hands. Crank raises an eyebrow at the name, but he doesn’t say anything. "What happened? What did they do to him?"

Fear-stricken blue eyes go abnormally wide before Buck redoubles his efforts to escape their hold. More footsteps approach from the doorway, Brady and one of the camp surgeons. The sight eases the tight worry in Crank's chest just enough that he can breathe again. Bucky nudges Hambone aside to take over holding Buck's right arm himself and to give the doc space to examine Buck.

The man takes a good look at Buck's pupils, then measures his pulse at the juncture of his neck before reaching into his coat for a small box of pills. Despite Buck's ferocious protests, the four of them somehow manage to hold him still enough for the doc to pry open his jaw and force him to swallow a pill. Immediately after, tears start falling from Buck's eyes.

Thankfully, Bucky doesn’t seem to have the same struggle. As the fight goes out of Buck's body, his limbs go limp in their hold. Bucky moves Buck's arm from the floor to press it to his chest and reaches for Buck's face again. Gently, he starts wiping the wetness there even as more continues to fall. The tears glisten on Buck's freckled cheek.

It's a shock. Crank has never seen Buck Cleven cry. Through the loss of friends, through pain, cold and hunger, even on the bleakest days they’ve had as POWs so far, Buck's composure hardly ever wavered. He remained the pillar of their strength and hope through everything. It makes Crank feel guilty and selfish, but his first feeling upon seeing the fat teardrops rolling down Buck's scarred cheeks is despair, not compassion. His natural instinct of self-preservation makes it difficult for a moment to see past the crumbling Major and see the person instead. Because if the Krauts can break Buck Cleven like this, they can break anyone. They're all puppets to their cruel whim. Crank doesn’t know what to do anymore.

"Fear gas." The doc says, making a disgusted face. "Bastards are testing it on us. My guess is they picked him for his reputation."

The doc clears his throat awkwardly and moves to stand. "Gave him a sedative. We don’t have much left, but... We need the Major back on his feet, I figure."

That makes Crank feel even worse. He watches numbly as Buck opens his eyes again and blinks up at Bucky slowly. The stream of his tears starts drying out. When Bucky gives him a small, forced smile of reassurance, Buck turns his face into Bucky’s palm. As if it was the only safe spot in his world. Crank averts his eyes, and he sees Hambone and Brady do the same.

None of them wants to see. They've never asked. They don’t want to know.

Only Jefferson stares, likely not used to it yet, still trying to figure it out.

After a reassuring squeeze, Bucky lays Buck's arm back on the floor and stands up to offer his hand for the doc to shake. The doc starts talking about side effects he has seen in other men who received this so-called fear gas, but after a moment, Crank turns away from them and back to Buck again.

"Give me a hand, boys." He glances at Brady and Hambone. "We gotta move him."

No one talks. They all feel Bucky's helpless fury, but there’s nothing they can do. Crank rights the chair, sits on it and starts sanding the small wooden B-17 he’s been working on. He keeps his focus on his work and tries not to listen in when Bucky starts whispering to Buck. He knows it's not for his ears.

Together, they lift Buck's barely conscious body and put him on a bed. It doesn't matter whose. They can switch for one night. Buck doesn’t fight it anymore, dazed by the sedative. When the doc leaves, Bucky's back by his side in an instant. He sits on the edge of the bunk and puts a hand on Buck's chest to feel it rise and fall. His other hand curls into a fist on his thigh. Buck watches him with half-lidded eyes.

Tomorrow, he hopes Buck will be back on his feet. Then, they can go back to pretending that everything will be okay.

[skufdaddyswansea]

Anya and Swansea

There's much to be said about how Swansea's bond with Daisuke, and Anya's interactions with Curly, reveal parts of their characters that Jimmy obscures. But there's also more we can learn about them by analyzing their relationship to each other, and the things they share.

From their first exchange, it appears that they have a fairly rocky relationship. Anya comes across as meek, Swansea is quick to shoot her down, and harshly at that.

It's not by accident that this is how they're introduced; first impressions go a long way in shaping our opinions. This fits in with a large part of Mouthwashing's narrative framing through Jimmy's perspective. It immediately suggests his way of thinking to the player; Anya is weak and incompetent, and the rest of the crew agrees with this judgment. Swansea is an old, selfish bastard with no respect for anyone around him.

But if we take into account the context of this interaction, we can see it from a different angle. The most important thing to take into account is the timing: two months after the crash. Keeping that in mind, we can then look not only to the one time we see them chatting before the crash, but to Anya's overall demeanour.

Here she appears lighthearted, friendly, even confident. It becomes clear that she's simply taking the crash harder than the rest of the crew. And after seeing the whole picture, it's not hard to see why. Everyone is in the same hopeless situation, but she's the only one stranded there for months on end with her rapist. The man she already feared was at the verge of more extreme violence, and rightly so. And on top of it all, she blames herself. It was, after all, moments after her third cry for help that the crash occurred.

And here I would also note a subtle but significant difference in the way she responds to Swansea's dismissals as opposed to Jimmy's.

She may not assert herself strongly, but with Swansea, she's at least comfortable enough to attempt it. For obvious reasons, she rarely does so with Jimmy. Add to that the way Swansea's roughness rolled off her back before the crash, and I think we can assume Anya felt much the same as Daisuke.

Of course, Swansea's words are still callous. But it shouldn't be taken for granted that he, like Anya, is alone in his particular struggle. He has, long before the rest of the crew, decided that the Tulpar will be his grave. Although it would have been easy for him to save himself using the lone cryopod, he has no interest in doing so. Instead he keeps this knowledge to himself, both to keep the crew as stable as possible in the final days and to protect whoever would get that one last chance to be saved.

And to cope with all this, he gives in to his worst impulses. Not just to his alcoholism, but to the walls he builds around himself.

Despite his worsening temperament, Anya still trusts Swansea. After months of enduring in silence, she tells him everything. I believe, in this moment, that Swansea does the same.

Shortly after this scene, before Swansea hits rock bottom, there's another rare moment in which Swansea is not guarding the Utility room. This time, he's dancing in the lounge, as he'd apparently been doing all 'night' long. And at a short distance, in his line of sight, is Anya.

Both of them could see time was running out. There was little they could do to make their remaining days any brighter. But Swansea was able to do at least one thing for Anya that no one else did-- he took her pain seriously. He took her at her word, and it changed the way he saw Jimmy entirely from that point on.

On the surface, Anya and Swansea couldn't have been more different. But in the end, they had more in common than perhaps even they knew.

Both stared death in the face with conviction, which was not misplaced. With food and air running out, no sign of rescue, and an increasingly unstable captain, they had no reason to cling to any delusions of hope. However, within their final words, a darker truth emerges.

It was easy for them to give whatever tiny sliver of hope the cryopod represented for someone who they considered more worthy. After all, in their eyes, they weren't worth saving to begin with. They were just broken people, with nothing left but to wait for the end. Even before the crash, these thoughts may have lingered somewhere deep in the darkest corners of their minds, waiting to surface.

What is certain, however, is that neither got the chance to find out otherwise.

[david-talks-sw]

What are your thoughts on the je'daii? Do they even work, like I find myself irritated by the concept because people often use them to validate/prove the notion that "balance = both sides of the Force"

If you stick to what George Lucas said, in Star Wars a person being "balanced" is someone who accepts their inner darkness and resists its pull nonetheless.

When fans mention the Je'daii, it's usually in the context of:

"The Jedi downgraded from the Je'daii, limited their studies of the Force, refusing to study the Dark Side was a mistake. It was an original sin that caused them to create an imbalance within them."

Which is weird, to me, because the whole point of the comic's narrative is that:

the Je’daii Order’s way was doomed to fail.

Introduced in the Legends comic series Dawn of the Jedi (2012), the Je'daii are the predecessors of the Jedi. They are an order of Force users who studied and practiced both the Light Side and the Dark Side in hopes of finding Balance.

The reasoning is simple: everyone has a bit of good and bad in them, you learn to master the good and the bad sides inside of you, indulging them equally. But while this method seems sound on paper… it didn't work.

Consider that they’re already dabbling with the Dark Side...

... but hey, at least they’re aware of its dangers, they’re trying to be responsible about it.

There's a support system where they all warn each other when they're about to cross a line. But even then, there's many who've fallen and been exiled to a moon, to be rehabilitated.

Suddenly, circumstances compel all of them to use the Forcesaber, a weapon that only activates when you draw on the Dark Side.

And that does something to them. Over the course of a year, they all become increasingly aggressive.

Soon, a faction breaks off because they no longer want to stop using the Forcesaber. They’re addicted to the Dark Side.

A war ensues, at the end of which the Jedi Order is born, a group of Force users who:

acknowledge and accept their inner darkness,

while also striving to overcome it rather than give it power.

So that’s the moral of the whole Je’daii story.

Their idea of "Balance by wielding both" was actually so fragile and difficult to maintain that all it took was a little push for them to become vulnerable to the Dark Side's temptation.

Hell, even after the Jedi Order was established, one of its founders, Master Rajivari - who in Dawn of the Jedi (2012) is framed as a wise ex-general who, albeit strict, spends his days meditating and philosophizing - he goes to the Dark Side too! 

Because that's how the Dark Side works.

The Dark Side isn’t just "negative feelings" or a "bad guy superpower" that you can mix with a "good guy superpower" to unleash the ultimate 'Force blast'. This isn’t an anime.

The Dark Side is a drugs/smoking/drinking addiction.

It's selfish, temporary pleasure. The more you consume it...

... the more you get addicted...

... and the more it consumes you right back...

... until nothing remains.

Jon Ostrander, who wrote Dawn of the Jedi (2012), echoed this sentiment multiple times:

“As I see it, those working on the light side work with the Force, channeling it, open and sensitive to what it tells them. They serve it. Those on the dark side try to impose their will on the Force, to make it do their will, to make it serve them. The Je’daii believe in a balance between the light and the dark side and so attempt to use both. Problem is, a balance is hard to maintain and the dark side is so very seductive.” - John Ostrander, LA Times, 2012

“The Je'daii aren't light side or dark side, although they know and are aware of both. Instead they seek a balance in the Force between light and dark. Balance, however, is a difficult thing to maintain and there is always the danger of falling wholly to the dark side — and some Je'daii have done so.” - John Ostrander, Newsarama, 2012

And this is a recurring theme throughout all of Ostrander’s comics, by the way. Be it with the Je’daii, but also with Quinlan Vos or Cade Skywalker, the point remains the same: 

"Yes, wielding the Dark Side gives you great power, and you get to show off some badass new tricks...

… but it ultimately destroys you and everyone around you."

Remember: if it weren’t for Cade or Quin’s loved ones, neither of them would have come back from the Dark Side. They aren't badasses because they can use Force Lightning, they're badasses because they found the strength to give that up.

So if you genuinely think the Jedi "downgraded" by refusing to give the Dark Side more power than it already has on them... you're missing the point.

“It’s not about ripping things out of the sky using the Force or Force Lightning. A lot of people, they think “oh look how powerful Vader is, look how powerful the Emperor is, I want to play be the bad guy because I get these powers”. It’s an empty feeling, at the end of the day, after the moment. [...] The Dark Side is a spiral downward that you’re trapped in.” - Dave Filoni, “Force of Rebellion”, 2018

It was an upgrade.

Framing "balance" as "equal Dark and Light Side" is like consuming one (1) salad a day and one (1) whole bottle of vodka and calling that "balanced". No, buddy, that'll kill you. Because:

The vodka is better at being destructive than the salad is at making you healthy.

It's won't stay just one bottle per day. It'll eventually become two, three, etc.

Because as George Lucas stated time and again, resisting the Dark Side is a constant struggle.

So that's my two cents.

You've probably already heard about the recent announcement of a Dawn of the Jedi feature film, a biblical epic that will be directed by James Mangold.

And truth be told... it scares me SO much that we came THIS close to an Episode IX: Duel of the Fates that framed "balance" as - you guessed it - giving equal power to your light and darkness.

Like, how did this ⬆️ get as far as it did? Did nobody think to sit Colin Trevorrow down and explain to him that he fundamentally misunderstands how the Force works?

So all I can do is cross my fingers and hope James Mangold has a better grasp of - if not the lore (I wouldn't be surprised if the words "Je'daii" or "Tython" aren't uttered once in the film) - at least the message.

[letgomaggie]

All my bridgerton thoughts, compressed:

1. The true love story is definitely Penelope and Eloise. No matter how hard they try, they cannot pivot away from the fact that friendship is the heart of this season. Be it between Penelope and Eloise, or Eloise and Cressida, or Penelope and Colin: it is that which drives this particular season.

2. To add to the above point: Colin may be Penelope's love interest, but it is Eloise who understands her. Eloise asks if Penelope seems despondent or sad - not just a simple is she okay but instead here are things she could be, which one is it? She knows her friend, no matter what. And Colin, for all that he is, does not find it all too startling that Penelope is suddenly looking for marriage. Eloise does. If Colin's eyes follow Pen across the ballroom, so do Eloise's.

3. Eloise has someone to talk to about the effect her friendship breakup is taking on her. Penelope has no one. I find Nicola to be an increasingly fantastic actor because she holds this tension so very well throughout the whole of Part 1. When Eloise comes to visit her, you see why she asked Colin what Penelope was feeling. Because Penelope is feeling that, has been feeling that ever since. Its so raw and on her face for the world to see but only one person ever looked and understood and read her like a book.

4. The two fingers while fixing her dress? Gag me god gag me

5. I have not seen the point of the Mondrich plot until this season which is where they are really using it to root the show to reality. There are conversations to be had that the society simply does not want to and Mondriches are the embodiment of it. Constantly knocking at society's door and making themselves be heard and fighting for a seat at the table but unwilling to compromise on what feels good and right. It's subtle and ita frustrating and I like that it's getting to people. You're going to get annoyed enough that the looking glass metaphor will play out in real life for you.

6. I see how unhinged Colin is being about Penelope and while I love that for her, I also get how fucked up her situation is rn. She does need stability. She has found her purpose. And I want her to be selfish in protecting that bit of herself. Instead of what she has been doing. She tried with Debling and yes, it was vexing to see how she ran after him but. I get it too? It's not always roses and camomiles. Cressida is the foil to this same narrative. The Bridgertons are foolishly romantic but that is just them. The show is through their lens but we can take a step back and see it for it is as well. I found Debling to be perfect and his reasons for ending everything were as well. If a little crassly done. Colin proposing to Penelope and falling headfirst in love just as she starts looking out for herself? My heart still needs to be sold on this idea, no matter how hot and sexy everything is.

7. The hair grab oh. Colin Bridgerton you slut. You whore. Colin Bridgerton would like to be pegged I promise. These two will actually be the couple who try out shit in the bedroom out of intrigue and discover a hidden kink. Colin finding the answer to his pent up ruminations when Penelope drags her hand tenderly through his hair vs Penelope close to tears because it is a dream come true and how many times has she imagined this and now its happening and its all that and more? Fucking yes

8. The diaries intrigue me. I shit you not I started this season with the firm belief that Colin had in fact NOT travelled lasts season because he was being all quiet about it. End of Ep 1 and I am now convinced he only really wants to talk if people listen and the only one who ever listened was Pen and if she's not there to hear him what is the point of speaking? He functions on 0 braincells because like. He has all the facts he's just not looking at them.

9. Someone talked of how they want to know more about Colin because he's been coming off as 2D and I agree. This is being told more from Penelope's view than Colin's and that is skewing the narrative a bit. I need more than 'pirate fashion-current rake-newly minted fuckboy' from him.

10. I like the yellow bedsheet.

11. The opening with the pining looks from Pen towards Eloise really set the mood and I'm so glad for it. For that matter I feel like Colin's apology for the comment last season was rushed and half hearted and I understand the hot and heavy vibes but they are friends first and that is the heart of the season and so much, so fucking much is left unresolved and I need them to have a couple of heated conversations PLEASE. express emotions fr!!! Beyond breathing hard!!

[atopvisenyashill]

do you think petyr ever genuinely loved cat?

i mean that’s kinda complicated just bc it’s like. what even is “love” what qualifies as feeling love. can you call what tywin feels for jaime “love” when all tywin’s love does is make jaime increasingly more miserable and jaded about his life? can you call what alicent feels for aegon “love” when she’s specifically been pushing him towards a fate he doesn’t want his whole life? can you call what joffrey feels for his mother “love” when joffrey is outwardly very derisive of women & wives and clearly thinks cersei is weak and stupid? i would personally say that rhaenyra loves jacaerys but you can't ignore that this is a very selfish, very possessive, one track mind sort of love where jacaerys is not allowed to be truthful with her the way he wants; it's love on her terms only. i personally love to argue that like, viserys i and aegon ii DO in fact love their kids (yes, all of them) despite their deadbeat tendencies but you could call it perhaps a selfish sort of love as well, a love that is more a reflection of oneself than any sort of dedication to their children. i would argue cersei doesn’t particularly LIKE tommen but does love him, and that she doesn’t know a thing about who myrcella really is but does love her, but really, is that love worth a damn in the end when she’s being actively vicious towards tommen for acting like the child he is? i think it all comes down to like, how do YOU define love - is it merely a feeling or is it an action?

for petyr, i think when he was very young, pre-injury, he felt a sort of love for catelyn yes. maybe an immature sort of love, like the way you feel about your high school girlfriend or your college best friend; there’s real, deep, consuming emotion there esp when you compare those feelings to your fleeting crushes of early childhood but it’s not as selfless, not as mature perhaps. i wouldn’t call this an “untrue” love - what’s that line from stand by me, where gordie says that he never had any friends he loved so much as the ones he had when he was 12. i think this is the sort of love petyr & catelyn had for each other. it’s about growing up together, figuring out who you are alongside another person who is figuring out who they are. that’s a connection you don’t get to have at any other point in your life! no one else knows the romantic fantasies petyr had as a child, back when he still BELIEVED they could come true, no one else knows what catelyn was like back when her grief still kept her up at night.

but again, this is a very selfish love. it is a love that disregards catelyn's feelings on the matter, it is a love that turns her into a prize to be won instead of a real woman with real feelings, it is a love in which petyr can justify utterly ruining her life and the lives of her husband and children because he's been ~sleighted~ (no he fucking hasn't, HE NEVER ASKED CATELYN HOW SHE FELT!!). i think like a lot of men in this series, when you get into that "does he love x" question, it's like...what does it matter? in the end, does it matter whether tywin loved his kids? does it matter whether robert and rhaegar loved lyanna? does it matter that viserys loved rhaenyra, that jaehaerys loved alysanne, that hoster loved lysa? i think petyr feels like he really did love catelyn and i think he felt a childish sort of love for her that can only spring from growing up together. but that love was always just as much about proving himself to be just as good as the nobility he served, about being better than brandon stark, about his concepts of masculinity and worth and class. he loves the catelyn that existed in his mind and while i would argue that when they were small, the real catelyn and the imaginary one had many similarities, that love in the end is not enough for him to actually see her as a fully fleshed out woman with her own needs, her own desires, her own dreams, and if his image of her now is bitter it's because she dared to step out of that fantasy he tried to trap her in.

[mswyrr]

finally saw Lisa Frankenstein

SPOILERS BELOW

i love that this movie is about true love and the writing has no compunction about needing to pretend like true love has to be between moral people - soulmates can be kind of selfish assholes who are nonetheless absolutely perfect for each other and tender and good to each other

and i love, after choking on so many heroines who are so pure it's inhuman in recent YA (which I largely only read for canon f/f) for Lisa to just be... so id-tastic and her story to be driven by the intense feelings of teenage girl coming-of-age stuff that gets prettied up and erased

she was internalizing her pain the way a good girl is "supposed to" -she was hurting so much that she wished she was dead with him. instead, he comes to her and they BOTH come more and more alive as he kills the people who hurt her. in increasingly "unfair" ways because it's not about right & wrong

he's kind of her dark side, speaking to and expressing the things she's shoved down inside along with her will to live - as he acts those things out, as she is complicit and eggs it on, covering for him and feeding him the attempted rapist as a victim, her will to live comes back

but they don't do the "maleficent" (and the whole "bad girl but in a safe way" kind of story) thing of making Lisa's dark side "safe" and her only fairly getting revenge - the darkness the Creature speaks to and acts out is not fair, it is not safe or contained.

instead of internalizing her pain, Lisa shares in externalizing it and making other people hurt and she blossoms into herself. and who she is is a bit cringe in the best possible way? she's embracing her own life energy, or own crazy selfish lustful weird set of desires.

it's about Lisa's feelings and what she WANTS, morals enter nowhere into it. except when it comes to Taffy - the one person who really tried to love her at her most broken. everyone else abandoned Lisa emotionally--including her father--but Taffy tried to be there, as awkward as that could be at times

speaking of which: Taffy and Lisa make an interesting contrast to Needy and Jennifer from Jennifer's Body (also a film by Diablo Cody and she says they both take place in the same storyverse). both Jennifer and Lisa decide that what makes them feel most alive is embracing their inner monster, but Taffy doesn't go all "i have to kill the beast" the way Needy does. i like this much better. Taffy is wearing Lisa's mom's rosary at the end and, by doing so, accepting Lisa's "I love you" despite everything Lisa did. whereas Needy ends up ripping off the BFF necklace and rejecting Jennifer's love. In my mind the two films are a tale of two necklaces now lol - one where the "good" girl rejects the monster girl and the other where she accepts that love and carries it with her.

[honestlyijustfindhersocharming]

A Needlessly Long Analysis of Every Single Cat King Scene in Dead Boy Detectives and Why I Want to Throw Him.

After many, many rewatches of Dead Boy Detectives for the sake of trying to get another season, I've found myself with increasingly strong feelings about a certain feline so... Can we talk about the Cat King? Yes? Great. Forewarning, I'm about to absolutely ream this shapeshifter because he's complex, confusing, horrible, and has so much potential that I need to talk about it.

Please keep in mind that this is my personal take !! I love the Cat King as a character, I just don't like a lot of his actions given the context.

Introduction to the Madness ...

The Cat King is a wonderful antagonist for so many reasons, but I feel like a lot of people have forgotten that he's an extraordinarily flawed person and can be incredibly creepy at times. Lukas does a wonderful job portraying the Cat King's charm, as does George in portraying Edwin's brief moments of falling into his traps, but the Cat King is not a good person. Let's go down the list.

The Cat King's Introduction: Episode 2

Episode 2 starts off with the consequences of Edwin's rash actions in Episode 1, something that I'm fully here for. It gives Edwin's jealousy real weight outside of just causing tension between Crystal and Edwin. However, I think people forget that the Cat King's "punishment" is (almost) completely selfish. Yes, while he claims that it's a consequence for harming the other cats, the punishment doesn't actually reward the cat Edwin used magic on, instead only benefiting the Cat King himself. It does force Edwin to distinguish between the cats, something that I figured out after another watch of the scene, but... I'm not sure if that was his main motivation when he blatantly says later that he wanted more time with Edwin.

The two options Edwin is presented with are sex and counting all the cats in Port Townsend. Option one is mildly horrific, even if Edwin is to consent it could still be considered coercive as the Cat King is in a position of power over Edwin. I personally don't think it'd get to that point - the Cat King sees the Edwin is a repressed Edwardian boy and wants to test that boundary - but... the implication is hard to swallow. When Edwin is given the option of counting cats, he emphasizes that he is a "fair and consensual Cat King", which we'll get back to later, but the offer itself is still - essentially - a move on Edwin as it forces him to stay in the Cat King's vicinity for longer. The task itself is stupid, but it again doesn't benefit any of the cats besides the Cat King. The only reason Edwin's stay is prolonged is because the Cat King is fascinated by Edwin. That's it.

While this interaction does contribute to Edwin's eventual sexual awakening, that does not make the interaction itself good. And this dichotomy between the Cat King starring in Edwin's journey of self discovery but doing so in the literal worst way continues in Episode 4...

The Cat King and Exploiting Emotional Attachment: Episode 4

I'd like to point out that this interaction starts out with the Cat King scratching Edwin, something that he explains by referencing "rough play". Now, this is obviously a joke, but it still brings up issues with the continued lack of Edwin's consent in something that the Cat King frames as sexual. What really kills me about this scene though, is how the Cat King exploits Edwin's other crushes - or potential crushes - to get a reaction out of him. The funniest thing about this to me, is that the way that the Cat King shapeshifts into people that Edwin cares for ends up paralleling him to Angie, our monster of the week. Angie also exploits the emotional attachment of someone to their loved ones for personal gain, but in her case it's to actively seek out food. What separates the two to me, is that the Cat King does not need Edwin to care for him, nor does he need Edwin to survive, he just wants Edwin, therefore making him kind of worse that the monster that we go into this Episode trying to slay.

Again, this does end up assisting Edwin in his eventual realization that he likes Charles, but it's the entirely wrong way of going about it. The scene ends with me just feeling like Edwin got thrown around like a mouse by this cat in the middle of something that's genuinely important to him. And then the confession of why Edwin does the casework. Sweet Jesus. Yes, it's good that Edwin gets that truth out for the sake of the audience, but the knowledge that the Cat King gains out of it is chilling to me. It's another display of the power the Cat King holds over Edwin because while you can argue that he uses the binding spell on Edwin as payback for what happened to his cats, forcing the truth out of Edwin was nothing but for himself. I think he believes it's for Edwin's sake, to make him feel more comfortable sharing things now that the first hurdle has passed, but it... really doesn't? The way that this backfires really emphasizes the way that pushing Edwin's boundaries like this isn't a good way to gain his affection.

The last thing to point out in this specific interaction is the last couple of lines of the scene, specifically the way that the Cat King taunts Edwin about the cat count of 142 being "way off". We know this is a bluff because later, he confirms that there are 147 cats in Port Townsend, including himself of course. The irony to this scene in my opinion is the fact that the Cat King just said to Edwin that he wanted him to be more honest, and then immediately lies. The double standard is insane, and I can't tell if the Cat King realizes it or not.

Something I feel important to note as well is the way that Edwin, in the same episode, when asked if he'd like to kiss the Cat King answers painfully fast. Monty he at least considers, but the Cat King isn't even an option to him. To me, this just displays further how horrifically the Cat King has fucked up any chances of a meaningful relationship with Edwin.

The Cat King Becomes an Incel for a Hot Minute: Episode 6

Episode 6... Oh boy Episode 6. Episode 6 is hard because he doesn't stop being a boundary pusher, but it's also ever the more evident just how much this stupid cat cares about Edwin. I would love to defend him and be like "oh actions speak louder than words" but his actions STILL suck in this scene. So, let's break down those action one by one.

First off, he goes to the forest. That's a big one because he mentions that he's been looking for Edwin the entire night, seemingly for no other reason than to explain to him the situation with Monty being an essential double agent. The first bit of the interaction between the Cat King and Monty isn't much to note, in my opinion, because it's mostly just taunting. But, in this case, the taunting is kind of warranted. Though I personally empathize with Monty's situation, he is still leading Edwin into a trap that could kill him. Where the Cat King pushes boundaries again is the goddamn kiss. It feels... icky. Predatory.

Again, there's no consent in this situation, and though it all comes from a place of worrying for Edwin's safety, I'm not sure that excuses it. I will grant the Cat King the fact that he's extraordinarily honest with Edwin throughout the scene, exposing Monty's identity and the case without beating around the bush much. The way that the Cat King ends the interaction, because though I'm not exactly sure what to think about the Cat King's approval of Edwin lashing out at Monty, I know exactly what I think about what follows.

Edwin, rightly, immediately thinks to take the information he just learned to Crystal and Charles, the two people who could still be in danger because of this now pointless case. The Cat King takes this time to make yet another move instead of just... accepting the fact that he helped and that could build Edwin's trust later. The way the Cat King says "I believe I'm at least owed a little thank-you" threw me off the first time I watched it, but I accepted it. I suppose Edwin could have been more polite. And then the Cat King said "By the way, the second kiss is always much better."

Dude. What. So, to break this down, the Cat King comes out to help save Edwin from a potentially life threatening situation only because he believes that he will get a reward out of it. When Edwin refuses (rightfully so, what the fuck) the Cat King asserts his power again by saying that he's "not someone to be dismissed". Edwin's words are harsh when he states that the Cat King is nothing more than the chain linking him to Port Townsend, but I don't feel as though he's entirely wrong to be upset in this situation. The Cat King, instead of making me feel bad for him afterwards, goes full Nice Guy™ on Edwin afterwards by yelling at him that he'll stop playing nice. Instead of taking literally two seconds to introspect, he threatens Edwin like that's going to keep his stubborn ass from doing anything.

Hello? What happened to fair and consensual Cat King, dude? He's so out of touch with how to actually express his affection for someone, and it's honestly insane.

Alone: Episode 7

Episode 7 is the third to last time we see the Cat King, and it's the first time that he's not in the presence of Edwin. We see him be more vulnerable here, and get a better understanding of how he acts when he's cornered. He starts off haughty, continues his antics with innuendo to offset tension, and then continues to taunt Ester until he gets literally killed by her. After his death he expresses his fear through anger, and continues to attempt to defend Edwin. First by trying to remind her that he's not going to give her the youth she desires, then by telling her to "keep your paws off of him".

It's somewhat heart warming to know he does truly care for Edwin, but he's still in it for himself, ultimately. He doesn't attempt to go against Esther again out of fear that he'll die for it, and his values of his survival above else. It's great character building, and a great flaw, but again annoying that he only expresses this level of care without Edwin around.

Redemption?: Episode 8

Episode 8 is meant to be his, sort-of, redemption Episode in my opinion. He is vulnerable with Niko and Crystal in regards to his fear of Esther (kind of, he does confess that he was killed by her), gives them information on Esther's background, and also gives them a tip off on something that could help stop her - black salt.

After Niko's death, when he presents Edwin with flowers, I believe he is meant to be at his best. He does not demand anything from Edwin in that moment, only apologizes for the loss of Niko and compliments her bravery. It's interesting to note that the lilies that he gifts to Edwin are toxic to cats, potentially a symbol of his attempt to be less selfish when it comes to him. And that he doesn't ask for anything more from Edwin when he is given the kiss on the cheek.

Of course, he still maintains his bravado and teasing nature, but that - it seems - is meant to be the Cat King's redemption arc.

But... is it enough?

Is it Enough?: Conclusions

I don't think so, personally. I think that in a Season 2, the Cat King could've become a better, less selfish, person. But at the moment, I think he's still stuck in the same middle ground that Monty ends up in where the one good deed he does ends up being a small drop in the bullshit that comes before that. While I do think that Monty is ultimately more forgivable, there is still a lot that would need to happen to truly get both of them to a point where they can be forgiven by those they harmed (and me, tbh). The Cat King may have done better eventually, but he still never really apologized for his contributions to everything that happened in Port Townsend, or the bullshit that he did to Edwin personally.

All this to circle back around to this: Fuck Netflix for depriving us of Season 2 and potentially truly redeeming the Cat King and having him actually learn to care about Edwin in a way that doesn't push his boundaries immeasurably. And fuck Netflix for not giving me a chance to see the Cat King start to accept the fact that he is fucking lonely and does way too much to cover it up. I need him acknowledging his fuck ups, becoming a genuine protagonist and not just someone who could be good! He has so much potential to be more than a mere predator playing with his food and Netflix took that from us.

Tldr; Netflix is the real villain here, but the Cat King sure does a good job of trying to be the best, most complicated, most annoying, most horrifying antagonist.

[bonni]

I've talked before about how I think hisoka's reputation as a "well-written villain" is undeserved and I still stand by that for reasons I'll get into at the end of this post. but I think the most frustrating thing about hisoka as a character is that I understand where that reputation comes from, because sometimes his character really works and thinking about what he could have been compared to what he is is infuriating.

hxh is, at its core, a shounen deconstruction, and one of its major themes is how the blind ambition of hunters is damaging on both an individual and interpersonal level. this is specifically reflected in gon, who's ambition and stubbornness hurts himself and the people around him (this post isn't about kurapika but obviously he is a prime example of this as well and the two have major character parallels). both ging and hisoka act as foils to gon, harboring the same blind ambition as he does but in increasingly twisted ways, with ging becoming so easily bored he can't treat a single human being with basic respect, and hisoka literally fetishizing ambition itself; gon, as a child, also finds himself facing abuse and assault at the hands of both of them, and they both use their twisted world view as a justification, with ging neglecting him for his entire life, grooming other vulnerable people in the process, and instructing them to hurt gon, and hisoka literally molesting him.

people sometimes get offended when you talk about the similarities between gon and hisoka, because yeah it feels kind of icky to compare a 12-year-old kid to the adult pedophile who's assaulting him. but the parallels exist for a reason, and that reason isn't to say that gon's going to turn out like this guy, it's to illustrate that hisoka's path is one potential outcome to prioritizing your own ambition over the lives of others. hisoka doesn't have a single relationship that isn't grounded in his own selfish worldview, and neither does ging. these are the people that gon admires and wants to surpass.

gon finally landing a punch on hisoka is an awesome moment, but in retrospect, it's upsetting. it reminds me of utena's duel against mikage; instead of confronting the ways in which they're unhealthily similar to their opponents and maybe doing some soul-searching, our protagonists celebrate the progress they've made towards their own destruction. gon's march towards a self-inflicted doom is a slow and steady one, and the chimera ant arc is the climax. gon can't be a great hunter like ging or hisoka. he cares too much about other people, and it destroys him.

so, yeah. as a foil to gon and as a source of commentary on the way a traditional shounen world encourages child abuse (not unlike our own world, hm?) hisoka is actually a good villain. the problem is, he isn't written consistently. togashi seems to like him too much and is fixated on making him some sort of anti-hero, which completely detracts from his supposed role as a villain! and, elephant in the room, he's still a homophobic stereotype. if you're going to write a predator, don't make him effeminate, and also include gay characters in your work who aren't predators (I do believe killua is intentionally gay coded but let's be honest, it's not enough). and when we look at the way gon's history of grooming and characters like palm are handled, it just becomes increasingly obvious that togashi doesn't really care about making any commentary about csa in a respectful or appropriate way. at best, it's there for shock value, and at worst, it's literally a joke. I will never respect the way that hisoka's character is handled in the series, but I do understand his appeal as a villain, and I really do wish he was written in a more respectful and consistent way.

[beautifulpersonpeach]

Hello BPP,

One of the thoughts I have had over the last few days, and one I hope doesn't offend anyone, is that shipping sometimes is founded in selfishness.

The reason I have come to this conclusion is the behaviour of a certain community that is quite vocal online in their displeasure over the content that gets produced. They have turned to focusing solely on the members they ship instead of grasping the emotional weight of the moments we get to observe. They immediately jump to the conclusion of a conspiracy against their ship, despite how non-sensical repressing said ship would be from a purely capitalistic viewpoint, and then use footage that was taken without the consent of the members and after their express wish for fans to not appear at the send-off to support their theory. I have heard of them furthering the narrative that their ship is real due to private moments yet these moments are either (a) debunked by those who are not sucked into the narrative or (b) obtained by sharing videos once again without the consent of their shippées.

But it isn't about the bond between JK and Tae for them but rather being right, about being the ones to see the truth - going against the grain - and whatever rhetoric they like to employ.

It's about the fetishisation of two attractive men being together, a comforting thought for what I imagine to be girls and women that would like to be in a relationship with these two themselves. Why else would they mostly focus on bashing a company and real human beings because they're not being catered to?

It is quite disturbing to consider how there's this willingness to cross boundaries of every type, including tweeting at an actual government branch and then accusing said branch of furthering fanservice. All of it is, as I stated at the beginning, selfish. There is no consideration for the feelings of the people they claim to protect, no media literacy, no acceptance of Occam's Razor, no interest in factual depictions.

I hope they grow tired soon, because it is tiring to even witness in the periphery.

---

Sorry for the quite stilted English, I've been watching too many video essays the past few days and I physically cannot turn off that filter.

***

It’s sad, amusing and concerning all at the same time, isn’t it? You’ve hit the nail on the head and yeah it applies to most shippers: taekookers especially but also many jikookers, and even solo stans, who resort to the same mental leaps when their expectations aren’t met. I agree with you and have said much the same several times in the last few years.

I don’t share your hope that they grow tired soon though. In fact what tends to happen is that they become even more unhinged. The more they invest into their theories and worldview, the more they take increasingly invasive steps to validate those theories. It’s sad and one of the worst expressions of sunk cost fallacy I’ve seen in fandom. The most we can do as fans is to check that behaviour when we see it in the fandom, and deplatform people building a following set on those ideas. And hope to god that the military does a decent job of ensuring their security while in service.

[modern-day-bard]

Other Duties As Assigned: A Joel Miller AU Fanfiction

Content Warning: 18+ This story includes mature themes such as drinking, stalking, violence, and explicit smut. Minors, do not interact.

Chapter 18: One Step Forward…

word count: 3.3k

ao3 | wattpad

Joel

Temptation had come knocking on my door once again. Only this time, temptation was pounding through my defenses with a battering ram, and she was dressed in skintight red leather.

Whereas the past few days had been consumed with the guilt of withholding the second of the stalker’s gifts from her, last night had been an endless repetition of increasingly indecent thoughts. My guilty conscience was left black and blue, fighting harder and harder to keep them at bay. The fact that for a moment I had actually considered kissing her means that I had incinerated boundaries that should have been impenetrable. Gwen is supposed to be able to trust me implicitly. She had been shaking out of fear only minutes prior, and yet, when she looked up at me with those curious, playful eyes, asking me about relationships no less…

My behavior was unacceptable. I hadn’t touched her, my aching body knew that much. It took firing up every muscle in my body to pull me back from her on that balcony. But it was the want to do so and the thoughts that followed that had me cursing at the ceiling until the early hours of the morning. In the dark, there were moments where I was delusional enough to think Gwen might actually feel the same. The electric pull to be as close to her as possible. It had to stop. And that starts with telling her about the second note.

Except, Gwen had made brunch plans with her friends the following morning to recap the night. It didn’t seem right to tell her before we left, like I had planned. It seemed like a potential few hours of peace, and with the guilt I’m carrying from last night, I feel like I owe that to her. Watching her laugh, with the sun pouring into the enclosed porch of the restaurant, it feels like I’m doing it for myself, too. I want to give her this peace, and the knowledge that I also have to be the one to take it away is littering my gut with guilt. A small, more selfish part of me wonders if I have to tell her at all. But it’s been several days, and as much as she deserves peace, she also deserves honesty. If I can’t be honest about my feelings, I need to be honest about this.

As we’re leaving the restaurant, she gives her friends one last hug before smiling up at me.

“Could you do something for me?” She asks.

Anything.

“Yes, ma’am.” Her eyes flicker just as they had when I said that before, though she recovers quickly.

“Do you think we could walk home instead? I know it’s probably more stressful for you, vigilance wise, but it’s not that far.”

The sun was still on her face. Knowing that there won’t be many days in the winter that I get to see how that light changes the color of her hair, I nod instantly.

“Of course.”

Gwen leads the way, and again my chest hurts that some of her assurance has been restored. Maybe I should tell her now, and get it over with. The street isn’t too busy, but I still run the risk that her stalker is nearby, and he could gauge her reaction, or worse, get some sick satisfaction if it upsets her.

If. It’s not an if, I know it will upset her.

“You’re scowling even more than usual,” She says lightly, swinging around the purse in her hand.

“I thought I was the observant one.” I grumble.

“Not the only one,” she corrects me, gazing upwards at some of the taller buildings. “Speaking of, I’ve never seen you do the tourist stare. Have you been to New York before?”

“The tourist stare?” I scoff, “I had never been to New York before,” I look down at her, and she’s squinting to look up at me. “I pay attention to what’s important.”

“Ah,” Gwen looks at me for a moment longer before returning to her usual, glazed over expression that she uses to move through crowds. Though now, we’re only sharing the street with a few others. The Upper West is relatively quiet on a Sunday afternoon.

“Is there anywhere you’d want to visit while you’re in the city?” She asks.

I chuckle, and Gwen’s face turns incredulous. “I just—haven’t given it any thought.” We turn around the next corner, which seems to be part residential, part boutique-type stores.

“You were flown to one of the best cities in the world, and you didn’t even think of visiting The Met or something?”

“It was an assignment. I had a lot of information to learn, and I focused on that. In this line of work, you don’t have many days off. Or any room for distractions.”

“Oh,” Gwen looks as though she never considered that. After some silence, she asks, “Do you…want a day off?”

“No.” I answer it too quickly, too forcefully. “That’s not what I mean. I’m used to it is all. Looking up tourist spots just isn’t part of my job.”

She considers this, stopping on the sidewalk. “I get that. But if you ever do need a day off—”

“I don’t.” I say it quietly, but firm.

“Okay,” she mimics my tone, and I anticipate her to start walking again, but she hesitates. “Okay, I lied. I didn’t just want to walk home, I wanted to take you here,” She uses her thumb to point behind her at a small men’s clothing store.

“That’s fine. Are you picking something up?” Maybe she wanted help carrying something without missing out on the fresh air.

“No, that’s the thing. I was hoping we could take you in here and get you a few new shirts.”

“I…” I’m dumbfounded, my mouth open slightly, but not making a move to formulate a real sentence. “Is there something wrong with my clothes?”

“What? No!” Her eyes grow wide and apologetic, “Not at all. I think your style suits you, actually,” Gwen looks down at her heeled boots, kicking something on the pavement that I don’t see.

“I just noticed you only have like, five shirts. And since you can’t exactly go shopping without keeping an eye on me, I figured…” She gestures back at the store.

I narrow my eyes at the window mannequins facing the street. I would expect them to be dressed in full suits with some sort of fancy, pocket square bullshit, but they weren’t. There was a leather jacket that looked worn enough that it could easily be from a Texas thrift store, and the other mannequins had on basic jeans, a sweater, and a t-shirt. Nothing about it scared me away, though everything about this made my guilt ten times worse.

“We don’t need to do that,” I say, and her face falls. She picks it right back up, flicking a stray hair out of her face.

“I should have been more clear. I’m more so giving you the illusion of choice.” Gwen turns on her heel, and heads inside the shop without another word. I tilt my head back, sighing up at the sky before following her in. Where she goes, I go. And she knows it.

The store is intimate on the inside, which makes this even more uncomfortable. There are three large racks with clothing, two dressing rooms at the far end, and a checkout counter to the right. Gwen is already in her element, chatting with the older woman behind that counter. I feel like I’ve morphed into one of the mannequins the way I’m standing by the door.

“Just some basics, you know. Maybe another pair of jeans, dark wash if you have any, some button-downs. That sort of thing.” Gwen wags her hand in the air, and the woman’s attention is drawn to me.

“I see,” The lady’s eyes scan me like I’m the newest experiment to enter her laboratory. “Is this him?”

“Yes,” Gwen grins, “Don’t be shy, Mr. Miller.”

I’d find her even more irritating if she didn’t look so damn proud of herself.

Before I know it, the lady, who’s name I learn is Julie, is measuring me. Soon after, she and Gwen are swapping opinions as they hand me a navy sweater, a light blue button-down, and a dark green t-shirt. I can’t say I hate what they pull for me, especially when Gwen holds things up to my chest to inspect. Glancing from a shirt to my eyes and my hair makes me feel more vulnerable than I have in years, but I don't mind. She’s clearly enjoying herself, which makes it easy for me to do the same.

When Julie shoves me toward the dressing room though, some of that enjoyment fades.

“I don’t think that's necessary,” I huff, even as she starts to close the curtain behind me.

“Humor us,” Julie smiles, yanking the last part of the curtain closed. The whole room is one giant mirror, and I decide it best to just put on everything at once so this will be over as soon as possible. I yank down my jeans, swapping for the new pair. To Julie’s credit, they fit well. Same with the blue button-down, but I only do up a few of the buttons before ripping the curtain open.

I run a hand through my hair, not sure what I’m supposed to announce in a situation like this.

“Oooo,” Julie coos. “That is certainly your color.”

My color? It’s the color of your commission maybe.

“What do you think, Miss Russell?” Julie asks.

Gwen has taken one of the two seats available in the shop, directly facing my dressing room. Her eyes start at my knees, gracing their way up and landing on my exposed chest just long enough for me to feel like I wanted to close the space between us.

“Did you try on the sweater?” She asks me.

I smirk as I’ve only been behind the curtain for a minute or two. “No.”

“Can you?” Gwen picks at one of her cuticles.

I start to unbutton my shirt in front of her before I remember where I am, and I quickly close the curtain. After emerging in the sweater, Gwen surveys me for a few long moments, before smiling at Julie.

“We’ll take it all.”

As Julie brings everything to the counter, I walk back over to the shop window. I can’t help but reach out and touch the jacket sitting in the sun. It would help to have something heavier like this in the coming months. Without another thought, I try it on over my regular clothes, stretching out my arms to make sure it fits as good as it feels.

I catch Gwen’s eye, and my heart nearly stops when I see her smiling.

“That looks like you,” She says.

“It’s nice and…heavy.” I’m not sure what adjectives fashionable New Yorkers use while shopping. But it does feel like a good fit.

“We’ll take that as well,” Gwen points the jacket out to Julie. This finally alerts me to what she’s trying to do, and I stalk over to the counter.

“I’m taking it. I’m the one buying it,” I reach for my wallet in the back pocket of my jeans as Julie rings it up.

“No you are not. My idea, my card.” Gwen slaps her card on the counter, clearly already prepared for battle.

Julie is unfazed by this, ringing up the shirts, jeans, and the jacket I take off and hand to her.

“The total is $1,826 today. Will that be debit or credit?”

“Credit,” Gwen and I say at the same time, though I nearly choke on the price. I’ve fixed appliances for cheaper. There ain’t no way this amount of items is worth that much.

“Can you not just be so—you for a minute and let me pay for it?” Gwen arches a brow.

I can’t handle the look in her eyes, the guilt of what still remains unsaid, and the thought of her purchasing all of this nonsense.

“If you pay, I’ll owe you several more self-defense courses. And I don’t think you want that.”

Gwen bites back a smile. “You can buy the jacket.”

Her bracelets jingle as she shoves her card in Julie’s direction, and she runs it through before I can object any further. I pay my portion, a whopping $725—definitely not a Texas thrift store price—and we’re out the door. Rodney’s car is out front, and I roll my eyes at how orchestrated this whole thing was.

“If you wanted to do this, you could have just asked.” I say as I open the door for her.

“You would have said no.”“That’s not true—”

Gwen gives me a wry look.

“Fine.” I close her door, getting in myself without another word.

The entire way home, my hands are sweating. All of the things I’ve done in this job, all the things I’ve seen, and this is what worries me? I should have told her as soon as it was delivered. I know that. But she had a hard enough time enjoying herself at the party as is. I never thought I’d see the day when I was borderline disappointed she didn’t feel like dancing with another man. Though some of those feelings are muddled—and best left unexplored—knowing about the second note would have only made that night worse for her. And that’s what I keep repeating to myself as we walk into her apartment.

Gwen has just made her way into the kitchen to pour a glass of water. I wait for a moment longer before wiping my hands on my jeans one final time and I ask her, “Can I speak to you for a minute?”

She takes a long swig. “Am I in trouble?”

“No. Just—maybe we could talk in the living room.”

“Okay…” The humor has died down in her voice as she follows me to the sofas.

I crack my knuckles, unsure of how to begin.

“Look, if the clothes thing is seriously going to make you uncomfortable we can work something else out.”

“It’s not that. Uh, thank you. Miss Russell, there’s something I’ve been meaning to discuss with you. It’s something I should have told you sooner, I realize.”

I clear my throat, risking a glance at Gwen. She’s much more serious now, taking on the expression that is usually reserved for board meetings. The only difference is her eyes. They’re wider, with a strange dash of hopefulness that I’ve seen on occasion.

“Go on,” She encourages.

“You didn’t seem to be sleeping well lately. And when you mentioned the party, I felt like it would be good for you to get out and be around your people.” I pause, trying to calculate how she’s responding so far, but there’s nothing. She remains just as impassive. “Later that day, one of the receptionists said there was a package for you. I had hoped it was from someone else, but…it was from the stalker. I wanted to tell you right away, but I didn’t want to spoil the weekend for you. I just—feel like you should know.”

I try to hide how deep of a breath I take before looking up at her again. Her eyes have narrowed, and she’s sticking one fingernail into the pad of her thumb so sharply that I’d be surprised if it doesn’t break skin.

“How do you know it was him?” She asks quietly.

“The note. I thought we might have a lead now, since he used a gifting company this time…unfortunately he mailed in the cash with instructions on who to address the gift to.” At least I can give her more details than I had when it arrived, thanks to Angus.

Gwen shakes her head, looking at the coffee table between us. “What did it say?”

Even now, I don’t want to tell her. Just because she deserves to know doesn’t make it easier when I know it will scare her.

“It said…‘I’m glad to see you’ve returned. I look forward to the day when you’re on the top floor. Then I’ll always know where to find you.’”There’s a single flash of panic across her face. And then, only a moment longer, and she’s back to her usual composure.

“You should have told me.” She whispers, her tone several degrees cooler than before.

“I agree.” She looks as though she didn’t expect that response, but I can tell she’s far from done with me.

“What was the package?”

“Candy, mostly. And more white roses.”

She shakes her head again, her lips pressing together. “I have a right to know these things. To choose whether or not I put myself, or more importantly, my friends at risk by going out. Even you could’ve—” She stops herself, shaking her head once more. “I wouldn’t have gone.”

“You needed to go.”

Gwen’s laugh is riddled with irritation. “And you think you get to decide that? God, what is with you people?” She places both of her hands on either side of her face, dumbfounded.

“I don’t get to decide. I should have told you…but you also should have gone.” I say quietly, trying to determine who these other ‘people’ are.

“Withholding information so that I do what you think I should do is essentially deciding for me. That’s all everyone does. You withhold information in some weird act of self-preservation, assuming that I can’t handle it, meanwhile, someone could get hurt!” Gwen’s voice rises as she stands from the couch. Now I’m lost.

“I would never put your friends in harm’s way, Miss Russell. They were safe. We all were.”

She scoffs. “I don’t—I don’t believe you. You say you’re here for my protection, but how do I know? How do I know you’re not just reporting back to base? Keeping me out of…trouble?”

“Miss Russell…I’m not following.” I thought we were past this by now. Who would I be reporting to? I doubt her father would want to know what she’s up to all the time, and I doubt Gwen would believe it if he did. “How can I prove to you that all I care about is your safety?” Emotionally, and physically. Though I don’t think I’ve ever cared about the former this much before, and it’s taking everything in me right now not to express it.

Gwen takes a few sharp breaths, eyes searching mine. Her hurt is evident even if she doesn’t realize.

“You can’t,” She sounds defeated, turning on her heel toward the hallway. Halfway there, she stops in her tracks, facing me with a pinning stare.

“You… do not treat me like that. Not like them. You tell me when these things happen. Got it?” It was the voice of the heir to the global media conglomerate. It didn’t matter that she wasn’t the one to hire me. That tone told me that if I didn’t adhere to what she asked…Well, she might not be able to make me lose my job, but she could certainly make me regret taking it.

Gwen raises a brow at me, clearly waiting for a response.

“I’ll tell you,” I say.

All she does is sigh before leaving me alone in the living room.

I knew she would be upset, and angry, most likely. I didn’t expect the hurt I saw on her face. Or that she would rope me in with whomever else she felt didn’t respect her. And she still doesn’t believe that I’m not tracking her whereabouts and reporting them to someone else? She must mean her father, or the other board members. But why would they? And if they did hire me to do that, why would it matter? Unless they wanted to be kept apprised of where she shops, eats, and sleeps. Other than that, what could they possibly want to know?

And more importantly, why did that possibility worry her so much?

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