#but anyway thats a problem i will fix tuesday

[autism-corner]

guy remembers that his biggest problem right now should literally be the back of his head.

[styxbugg]

I would love to know more about the groundhog day au in general! Theres not really anything about it on the discord or anything from what i could find

@bttf-dork

oh boy! ok so, the basic gist is that marty basically accidentally breaks the space time continuum is such a way that on tuesday, november 12th, 1985, he gets looped. the "groundhog day" aspect is only the time loop part, i just like groundhog day so i named the au after it.

its been a bit since ive thought about this one, but if i remember correctly the reason he gets looped is partially because it's the anniversary of the lightning strike and partially just the universe messing with him. much like how phil, in the movie, only get unstuck when he becomes a better person with out any alternative motives (thats how i interpreted it at least) marty only gets unstuck when starts believing in himself, or something like that

like, by this point hes gotten over the whole chicken thing but is still in a very much "if I dont succeed in this (get a record or something like that) then I suck", so it's only when hes able to work through that mindset that he gets unstuck. the problem, however, is that he doesn't know this and so spends so many more loops trying to get and spiraling that he isn't able to work through that.

the first few loops are spent with a slow dawning realization of the time loop, and that it is actually continuing and is not just a one time thing.

next many are used trying to get out. doc pretty much immediately believes him every time, so they spend loop after loop theorizing about why it's happening and how they can fix it, or actually trying to fix it. none of these work however

eventually marty gives up on being able to stop the loops and enters a depressive state. these loops range from being to go to school normally, to not being able to get out of bed, to purposefully running away and getting into extremely dangerous situations just to experience something new. some of these things even end with him getting killed (rip), though he's always able to come back

there are some days where he confides in jenn about the looping, or reveals to his parents all his time travel shenanigans. these days usually go pretty good. he has stopped telling doc about it because he's almost completely lost hope in ever getting out and going to doc with only get his hopes up farther, just to be shot down again.

it's after one of the loops where he talks to jenn when he finally begins to look on the positive side of his situation. im not exactly sure how it will end, other than when the loop finally breaks he completely breaks down and is unable to go to school. he then spends a lot of time talking to doc about it, adjusting to things being able to change and just working through everything that happened.

anyway! thats the basic gist of the au! some other fun facts is that his alarm everyday in the loop is "i got you babe" (like in groundhog day) but his alarm the next day, when the loop breaks is "back in time" (like in that one spn episode)

here's the janaury drawing too, btw

[ventcode]

psych ward journal

Day 1

I miss Paula I cry my tears for you I forgive you I always will I’ll do anything to talk to you my love I miss you, Dearie I love you.

Day 2

I miss Paula again It’s 6:30 AM, I miss Paula I love them so much I’ll find a way to speak to you again In this hell where they took me away from you

Paula, I’ll hold you close and never leave again.

---

I need to ask dad to bring my Pokemon manga today, passing the time is so boring.

Day 3

I have a new roommate! Their name is Ariel. They are really nice and we get along well. :)

I still miss Paula, I’ll see them again one day.

Dad came again, hes coming every day.

Day 4

Paula, Paula, Paula, Paula, Paula.

I miss him so much, my motivation, my everything, I need to get out of here.

They took me away from Paula, thats unforgivable

We will reunite.

---

Milo and Alper are trustworthy, I like them

My roommate scares me, I cant do this again

Deceive.

Day 5

get me out please. I have no reason to be here to you guys. I’ve been good, I’ve lied perfectly, but why can’t I leave? I’m perfect, so they trap me here longer? Let me out. Paula misses me, let me out of here, I’ll do anything just to leave tomorrow, I’m doing great in your eyes, I’m ready to leave so let me out. I’ll never do anything bad again, I promise.

I miss Paula

They took me away from Paula

We will reunite. I promise My love, just like I said to you

what they did is unforgivable, to take me away from my Darling like this, no access to you.

I love you, and thats why i’m getting out of here.

I PROMISE (promise is circled repeatedly)

---

I wanna talk to Milo and Alper, I’m bored and I like them, I’m still terrified and wanna go home, I don’t wanna be kept here longer, If I am, I’d rather be roommates with one of them, but I cant ask for that, but I hate it in here, and I’m uncomfortable with my roommate again because of what happened, so, maybe.

I’ll ask right now.

---

New roommate, Sherlyn, shes nice to me, everyone else knows what Ariel did now, but they don’t suspect I told on them, let’s hope they don’t find out.

I took an autism test also, I’ll tell dad about it when he gets here tonight, maybe I’ll tell him the roommate situation as well.

---

DONT EXPRESS SADNESS BECAUSE HES NOT COMING TONIGHT. HE SEES YOU EVERYDAY. YOULL BE FINE.

STOP CRYING!!!

Day 6

Somethings bothering me, I don’t know, I started reading a book today, that’s how bored and bothered I am. I like it though, the book.

My thoughts are finally getting to me again, what if everyone hates me or just pities me and pretends to be my friend? they wont care once I leave. I shouldnt care so much, I expected to be alone here anyway, I’m supposed to get out of here and talk to Paula again, to reunite!! I wasn’t supposed to trust people here, and now I do, and that scares me, what if im just pitied, annoying, too talkative yet so quiet, I cant do anything right. I see scars on myself I was too afraid to inflict apon myself, a person barely holding onto himself, but just lie.

Lie until you’re free from these invisible chains.

Milo - Trust Alper - Trust Sherlyn - Trust Ariel - stay away from Jada - acquaintance, nice Evelyn - friend Nico - acquaintance, afraid of Ava - friend

Maybe I should just talk less, just shut up, I was so good at it, why can’t I now?

Day 7

Something is wrong. I don’t know what, but the urge to hurt and isolate myself is becoming more and more, like I always cause a problem and I’m wasting space, everyone would enjoy themselves if I wasnt there. with my annoying voice and presence 

Scars im too afraid to put

A person barely holding onto himself

A scared girl who needs to see Paula.

I miss you.

---

Nighttime, I’m bored. Mom came today, so did dad, and grandma a small visit.

Hopefully I’m out Tuesday or Wednesday, or even Monday if I’m lucky. Lonely Sunday.

I’mm miss my friends here, but that’s okay.

Tomorrow will be better :).

I even fixed Paulas bracelet, I made it for them and one day he’ll recieve it

I love you Paula.

Day 8

they love me so much they simply wont let me leave huh. I want to talk to Paula again SO BADLY and cant. I need to leave. I’m “NOT STABLE ENOUGH TO GO HOME” shut up. Let me see Paula again. All I want is Paula. I can’t take another week here.

I want my favorite person

My Paula

I love you, I’m leaving cause of you.

Day 12

I don’t want to leave Milo, Alper already left and now Milo? I leave Monday, day 15.

It will only be a month right?

I’ll spend this weekend with him in full.

Everyone I end up close to gets taken at some point, but why now?

Day 13

Circle, scared. I dont know anymore, I want to leave so why am I afraid to leave? I have no idea. I feel as if something will be left behind when I leave, I don’t exactly know whats bothering me. Everyone seems to be managing but everything around me feels isolated. It sucks. I’m waiting for something to happen. this reality sucks.

---

Uncomfortable, a word I wouldn’t quite use, empty emotion, nothing too genuine, just smile and be nice until its too much and you start to cry, wait it out until you can fake it again, everything extreme or nothing at all. I need to leave this place, I cant wait for Monday, but I feel as if I will be leaving something behind, something important, but I don’t know what, and that confuses and scares me. I am unsure, I know I can be annoying, loud, clingy, but something in me doesn’t understand how this all happened. Atleast here, I didn’t expect to make friends or to trust.

to trust you grow attachment

attachment leads to discomfort

discomfort leads to something im not sure I like.

How do I stop the inevitable

I’m scared already because of trust and attachment

I hate myself.

---

I am too much, I understood that in the first place but the more I feel annoying the more it eats at me, the way I dont understand if someone’s joking or being serious, I don’t understand a thing when I should

It all bothers me when I should just be quiet.

Day 14

Bored, uncomfortable, left out and I feel quite weird, I cant wait for my freedom tomorrow.

Day 15

and now I go home.

[sentientgopro]

Okay, so I know this might sound odd, but I kinda want to keep track of how my feelings have been changing seeing as my life just turned upside down a few days ago. Something feels weird about keeping a note to myself, idk why, For some reason I feel kore comfortable posting it to the internet. Well, I guess that is kinda the point of a blog? Anyway, if youre seeing this but not my last post on Monday, I think I cracked on Sunday Night.

That first post was comprised of how I was feeling Sunday Night- Monday Morning (10/11 Dec) and, well, I'm not going to repeat it. Monday was... weird. I didn't feel great, although thats not significantly out of the ordinary, but I was facing a difficult question I would rather not have to answer, especially when the obvious conclusion was such a difficult one to follow through and act on. It was a question Id rather die than face.

Monday evening was when I decided to start truly planning for the possibility. I may not know If Im right yet, and depending on how hard it may be, I was wondering if it was even worth it. Then I had a look at some trans timelines, and asked people about HRT options, and that was what changed my fuckin life. It was then that I saw how real this was and just how possible this was. The realisation that this was on the cards for me (after a 2 year wait) made me feel really fucking good. Like best Ive felt in a long time. Ive been running on fumes, a list of people to outlive, and "My cats would miss me" but this provided a positive reason to keep going, something to look forward to. For the first time in ages, I wanted to Carry On, not just felt like I had to. And this feeling/ realisation also helped in validating my feelings, that Im not just making it up.

And then came tuesday. The best day Ive had in a long time. I've heard people say "Transitioning may not solve all your problems, but it can make them feel worth solving" but I realised I had that in reverse. My problems are affecting my academic success, so to get out this house and get to Uni, I need to start fixing/ overcoming those problems. My problems feel worth solving so that I can get to transition. I got more done that day and focused easier than I have in a long time.

Later into Tuesday, I considered what my future could look like now. How might it affect other parts about me? I considered my Aroace identity, might it affect that? And I quickly realised I might not be Aro. Why could I see myself happily in a relationship in the future, as a girl, but not as a guy? Hell, I took the idea out of relationships, and realised I couldn't see a happy future at all as a guy. Ive known this for a while, and kinda brushed it off as "Modern society sucks ass" and "Who knows what the future holds" and shit like that, but if that was the case, I wouldnt see a happy future as a girl, which I do. This was another big help in feeling that Im not mistaken about my feelings, and also helps to explain why Ive always felt a little conflicted on my Aromanticism, because it wasn't. As for now, until I can transition, the label still fits. I still think Ill be Ace either way, but I cant know that until the time comes. It doesnt really matter, those labels can be pretty fluid, I shouldnt stress over it. The key takeaway here was that it seemed that Dysphoria was stopping me from wanting a relationship. Perhaps I was wrong about not feeling dysphoria, I think i might just have not been noticing it or understanding it.

I'm caught up to today, which hasn't really seen major developments. I acknowledged the fact that Ive been kinda subconsciously viewing myself as more feminine for years now, but I dont feel like that thought significantly leads anywhere beyond reinforcing how I feel. Most of my thought on this went towards music and lyrics, as now I have a whole new dimension of meanings to find in songs, completely changing how I see alot of them. For example, one song, that I havent been able to find any meaning to until now, has these lines across 2 different verses:

"I need time to break all the mirrors,

But my mind is in pieces and not ready to make it clearer,"

and

"Time to make it all clearer,

And if time never ceases I'll be ready to break the mirror"

After a quick google, the idea of "Breaking a mirror" means bad luck for years, before being okay, which can be interpreted to have fairly heavy parallels to a transition. The first version talks about needing to go through this period, but not being able to or not being ready. As much as I say I cant transition bc of living eith my controlling and transphobic parents, I also know I would not be ready to do it if that wasnt the case. But, as in the second version of these two lines, once I can make it all clearer, If I can just hold out until the end of the two years, if time keeps passing, I can break the mirror.

There are other parts of this song I like and find (questionable) trans meanings in, but these parts stand out. Song is "The Gift" by Kevin Sherwood and Elena Siegman for anyone wondering, I'd best describe it as Melodic heavy metal, heavy instrumentals courtesy of Kevin and beautiful vocal melody courtesy of Elena.

So that was pretty much my day today, finding little bits of meaning in various songs I already listen to. Although its only 2:30PM, there may be more to come later. Regardless, now that ive caught up, Im just going to be keeping every post as its own individual thought or topic. If you did actually read through this, thanks I guess? I dont know why I feel more comfortable writing this here than a private note. Ill only tag this with 196 because eh, why tf not.

[tennessoui]

oooh for Smithsonian au what if one of them gets into some serious trouble at work? all i can think of is obiwan is possibly cleaning a shark tank exhibit but maybe gets his suit punctured by a sharp rock or sea urchin and he starts bleeding from a small scratch and he realizes the shark smells him and his suit is filling up with water and tries not to freak out and call for help. and anakin finds out and rushes over and idk maybe obi wan almost drowns and anakin realizes they (he) could have lost obi wan. he could have been hurt or possibly killed if no one was there. idk you can adjust this too if you have another idea about how they realize their feelings. obiwan goes to the hospital and he asks for anakin and could ask why he saved him or he just thought of him before he blacked out from lack of oxygen

oh!! so i love this absolutely but there are no shark tanks in the museum :< but actually there SHOULD be and i can see something happening when obi-wan is out at the baltimore national aquarium doing research or something

but im gonna take this idea and run with it and throw in like. a bit more angst if that's possible but a lot more guilt

but lets say anakin goes to collect padmé for lunch on their break but padmé has callen in sick and forgotten to tell him but she's also scheduled it so obi-wan is waiting on the steps because he thinks they're going to lunch

and anakin sees obi-wan and he's immediately like 'what are you doing just standing around out here? looking for water?'

and obi-wan is like 'no actually im looking at the sky trying to find a single thing of academic interest. oh! there's one. no, never mind. it's just a plane.'

anyway so anakin calls padme as he's glaring at obi-wan and obi-wan is trying to call padmé too but padmé makes a group chat with both of them (while ignoring all their calls) and she's like 'ah im sorry i forgot to say i can't go to lunch today but you two should! reservations are here.'

and so theyre both like 'of course we're not going to do that' and then start off in the same direction but they're arguing the entire time

and obi-wan turns his back to keep arguing right as he's crossing the street and he doesn't see the approaching car but anakin does and he has this split second of terror that obi-wan is going to die from arguing with him that he grabs at the front of his shirt and pulls it so hard towards him that it rips completely and also obi-wan topples over onto anakin

and anyway obi-wan is like scared too but not going to show it so he's like 'you owe me a shirt' and anakin is like '....fine' because he's too shaken up to argue. and then he's like 'i know just the place.'

and he takes him to the air and space museum's gift shop and buys him a NASA hoodie and he comes out and he's like 'and i even bought lunch for you' and it's the dehydrated space food

a year or so later when they start sleeping with each other, anakin is over at obi-wan's apartment and he spills like coffee on his shirt during breakfast so he asks to borrow one of obi-wans and he's like yeah pick anything from the closet and he goes inside and he finds that hoodie he bought obi-wan but it's soft and well worn now and he can just picture obi-wan curled up on his couch with a mug of tea, wearing this hoodie while sending him long hate messages over every platform of social media they share

and thats when anakin knows he's in love for sure, because he doesn't think anything has ever sounded more adorable <3

[chibi-tsukiko]

Ok Real Talk: I need advice

everytime I try to talk it out with my parents they don’t listen.

I know ultimately it’s my decision, but I would appreciate some input cuz I’m at my whits end. ———————————————————————

Background : My job closed in March of 2020 due to covid. I was getting unemployment until I quit in August of 2020 because I moved to a new state. The new state wouldn’t give me unemployment because I was never employed here. 😑 The state I live in does not care about covid & has no mask mandate. I live with 2 high-risk individuals so I have to find a remote job in my field.

In December : I found said remote job. It’s an international company based in Seoul, South Korea in my field. (Basically a lot of ESL work) We got off to a rocky start because they didn’t train me or tell me the company policies and rubrics, but I gave them the benefit of the doubt and stuck with it. Here are the problems :

I thought I was being paid hourly, but that is not the case. So working 30+ hours Tuesday-Friday for barely $100 a week. Which doesn’t cover any of my bills. So I’m getting into even more debt.

The time difference causes me to be up until 4 am waiting to hear back from them only to sometimes fall asleep and miss their message which ends in me getting docked pay cuz I didnt fix the errors.

Everyday they tell me I’m doing something wrong and I have to redo assignments. And when I ask them questions they don’t answer.

They honestly make me feel stupid. Even tho I’m the one with the Degree in the field and they hired me to help them.

I now have panic attacks every Thursday night (when assignments are due) between the hours of 12-1am cuz thats when they text me asking me to redo assignments and i have to be up until 4-5am cuz if I dont do it they dock my pay.

I’ve been hanging on because I can’t seem to land any other job in my field, I’m guessing due to lack of experience, so this would give me experience in my field....and I don’t wanna feel like a wuss for backing out. The work is hard, just tedious and even more so when I have to redo it all the time.

What would you do? What do you think I should do? Should I just suck it up? Am I being a baby about this?

Idk what to do. I’m miserable and frustraited, but I’m scared to quit cuz I cant find anything cuz the job market sucks. But the pay isnt really helping me anyway...but i also need experience in my field and i just....ajskakksksks😭

[goodstudentstudyblr]

7, 8, 9/100

So, I've been in a bit of a crunch lately so I haven't posted but here goes

Wednesday- it was an econ study day. I didn't get the bus in the morning because my mom said she could take me to campus at 10 am but she was 3 hours late due to some hang ups at work. It's not her fault and I'm not upset with her but I did lose quite a bit of study time which was frustrating. I can't do econ work at home because I didn't buy the textbook, I check it out from the library every day.

But after an hour of econ I went to finish a German test my professor soooo kindly let me finish. She is very willing to work with me and help me keep up with the work having told her about not only my disability but also the problem I was having taking 2 blocks of German. So that's amazing

At 6 I went to take my State exam that I'd been studying for. It was really a lot easier than I thought it would be! I finished in less than 30 minutes and when I got my mark it was a 94. So I'm pretty proud of myself.

Thursday- Tuesdays and Thursdays are my busy days. I actually got to campus about an hour earlier than normal so I decided to go to the libary and get the econ book. For some reason I just couldn't dig in very well so I just left and had a walk. The weather yesterday was so lovely. It was cool and cloudless and the air smelled of fall. Yesterday really was the first day of fall and I'm so happy about it.

Then I went to the 4 hour German power block. It wasn't bad, just very grammar heavy. I'm making progress in the concpets they covered tho so thats good.

Then I tried studying in the library before teaching. Still couldn't dig in. So I got some lunch and left. No need to frustrate myself if it's just not working for me.

After I got to my classroom to teach, I found out the projector was broken! In a software class! So we couldn't show what we were doing on the board! Which sucked. And thus ensued a long 2 class periods of drawing menus from the program on the white board and explaining the same concepts every time someone raised their hand. IT came and said they couldn't do anything about it so that sucks. Here's hoping its fixed by monday.

Today- It's another econ study day! My exam is today and I'm a bit behind so I'm going to study as hard as I can until 1 then just take the exam. After that it's a game of dnd and home for a relaxing weekend.

The weather again today is so lovely. Just a bit colder than yesterday so I was glad my mom took me to school so i wouldn't have to sit at the bus stop for 30 minutes waiting on the bus.

Anyway, thanks for reading!

[alicedoessurveys]

Would you rather lose your best friend or your boyfriend? I don't have a boyfriend anyway but id rather keep my best friend because he’s been my friend for as long as I can remember Do you think people who pay hundreds of dollars on perfume are ridiculous? each to their own, I personally wouldn't spend hundreds on perfume because I am poor  What is the last thing you tried on in a store? dungarees, which I bought  Do you know who Georgia Nicholson is? nope Do you ever sleep through your alarm? I do, but I hear the alarm in my dream until I eventually realise its my alarm and wake up 

Do you think Sophia Bush is a good actress? I don't know who that is  When did you realise you are no longer a child? I have no idea, I cant remember. I don't think it was a sudden change, it was a gradual thing like more and more having to do adult things Is sleeping naked more comfortable then in clothes? I like sleeping in underwear, but not completely naked Are you comfortable enough around your friends to change in front of them? I used to be super self conscious about it but then when I joined the theatre and started doing shows that required quick changes I ended up just not caring anymore about getting my bra out infront of people

Does your best friend wear makeup? nope he doesn't  Who is someone you do not understand at all? majority of people What is your morning routine? depends on the day. usually get up and head to the bathroom, then go down for some cereal and watch something on telly while I eat. then go get dressed for the day and do whatever is on the agenda for the day. Tuesdays I get up, get dressed straight away and head to morning dance class. Sundays I get up get dressed and head to church.  Have you already met your true love? nope Have you ever had a dream in which you were making out, or more, with someone? yes, I dreamt last night that I was kissing someone but I cant remember who and its really bothering me  Do you prefer to fix the problems or just end the relationship? at least try to fix Have you ever accidentally stepped on a cat tail? yeah its a horrendous feeling  Do you ever go to Plyrics.com? nope I don't know what that is

Did you know that when a worm is cut in two both pieces grow again and continue living? thats weird  Do veggies gross you out? don't gross me out, I just don't like them  Do you know what Bluekaffee is? nope Chicken burger, fish burger or ham burger? chicken What is the best brand of ketchup? Heinz Would you run down the street completely naked for 1,000$? if it was dark and no one was around to see it then possibly yes because I am that poor and desperate  Have you ever dated someone in secret? yes How do you get splinters out?  with tweezers What is something all relationships need to be healthy? trust, communication, humour, love Do you know who sings ‘Lover I don’t have to love’? nope Do you bring pillows and blankets on road trips? yes If a stranger adds you on facebook, do you add them back? no Does walking by yourself make you nervous? depends where I am When dog’s bark, do you think it actually sounds like ‘ruff’? sometimes  What about when cows moo? yeah How far is the airport from your house? like 20 minutes away CSI or Crimnal Minds? csi Can you make cookies from scratch? yes I love baking Do you ever send people good morning texts? no Is there someone who makes you blush when you just say hi to them? not really  Do you kiss your pets? yes Have you ever forgotten where you parked your car? omg always  Does your leg itch right now? how did you know! What’s worse then a stomach flu? all of it  Can you fall asleep in cars? not easily  Why did you go to church the last time you went? I go every week Who made you dinner last night? the pizza takeaway place  Do you say mag or magazine? magazine  Would you rather marry someone repulsive or be alone forever? forever alone Would your parents approve of you dating someone of a different race? yes How old is the oldest person you know? late 80s Do you think Americans are pigs? no What was on the last sandwich you ate? tuna and cheese Whose the last person who asked your name? someone at the theatre  Remember the loot bags you used to get at birthdays? Weren’t they awesome? they were pretty awesome yeah lets bring those into adult life When is the last time you saw a monkey on TV? I have no idea Do you buy scratch tickets? no Who has it easier: adults or teenagers? Why? dude neither, life is just difficult. teenagers have it tough because they're expected to figure out who they are and what they want to do with their life while also having to deal with hormones and shit and adults have it tough because we’re expected to have it all figured out by now and know who we are and what we want to do and pay bills and just ugh  What’s the last thing you spent over twenty dollars on? pounds because England, it was grocery shopping yesterday Would you be sad if you were 50 and still not married? I mean I hope im married by then but id also rather be single than trapped in an unhappy marriage just because im scared of being alone  Have you ever been so drunk you couldn’t even talk right? hahahaha I mean maybe slightly yes  Do you know anyone with a million middle names? nope Are brand name food items really better then store brand ones? sometimes yes, sometimes no. usually yes  Is ceaser salad the best kind of salad? I don't like salad Is it dark out yet? yes, its 10pm Do you believe that love is just an excuse to get hurt? no Is there a Booster Juice in your city? ive never heard of that If its called INTERNATIONAL house of pancakes, why isnt there one in Canada? I don't think we have that in England either, false advertising Do hugs help when you’re sad? sometimes, depends what is making me sad. also is im sad someone being nice to me tends to make me cry  How did you meet the last person you kissed? we did a show together at the theatre  Do you buy more things online or in stores? in store What is the best thing to eat with fish? I don't like fish other than tuna, and I aways have it with cheese  Isn’t it annoying when people treat music like a trend? I don’t care, man. I have bigger issues. Do online dating sites ever work? depending on what you want to get out of the dating site, yeah they can

[machudson]

SO. My glass teacher is in the hospital for knee surgery today so we had a substitute. And when we have a substitute in glass it means one thing: Ignore responsibilities, make marbles. So this marble. This fucking marble. It has been on the edge of destruction more times than I can count. And I have already written out the story. But this fucking shit website decided to delete my paragraphs upon paragraphs of text just because it hates photo posts. So I have to rewrite forty fucking five minutes of work. 

I started this marble on Tuesday. It was much smaller when I started it, about a centimeter in diameter with a lovely vein of yellow-orange inside. But our teacher, who was present then, decided that I had to make marias or whatever the fuck theyre called. So I had to set my marble aside for the duration of the class. Until, in the last five or so minutes, I decided to go back to my marble. But I was a fool. A damn fool. I didn’t let it heat up gradually; I stuck it straight into the hottest part of the flame. And due to thermal shock, about a third of the marble chipped off. I was heartbroken, but I swore I would return to fix it. 

And that is just what I did today. 

However, for some reason, the oxygen for half the torches wasn’t working. And since our teacher wasn’t present, we had no way to fix the problem. I ended up sharing a torch with another girl, a sophomore. I would like to note that we are absolutely not supposed to share torches with another person, and definitely not have two people working on the same torch at the same time. 

So there I am, two people on one torch, wielding a half-broken marble still on the rod. Since I’m going to have to add more glass anyways to fix the chip and make it decently sized, I decide to go and add some more color, this time a nice sort of coral. But let me tell you about colored glass. Specifically red-hued colored glass. Red glass is a sensitive little bitch. If you do anything wrong it will decide that it does not like being red, and will lose all saturation, becoming clear or grey or god knows what. So the coral decides to turn grey. Since it does this while red-hot I don’t notice this and frankly I don’t really care. But in conclusion: red fucking sucks. 

Now I gotta go patch up that fracture. So I grab another clear rod. I started this marble on a 6mm rod, while I’m technically supposed to use 8mm rods. But I don’t give a shit, I’ll use a thin rod if I goddamn want to. I stick on an 8mm rod anyways because there were like seven of them just fucking sitting around and I was too lazy to go over and get a brand new rod. And it’s kind of hard to make a marble when there’s two rods attached, so I went and detached the original (thin) rod from the marble. I then smoothed it out, heating it up then putting it in the marble mold which is apparently also called a marble marver. Anyways I get it to a point where I’m happy with it, and I decide hey I’m ready to cut this. So at first I try to just do a normal torch cut, which is when you just heat up the rod and pull off your whatever with tweezers alright? Well thats not what you do with marbles cause you want them to be entirely smooth, and you cant really heat it when its not on the rod because how would you hold it? Probably with tweezers but your tweezers are made out of metal, dumbass, and you can’t stick them in the fire or you’ll fuck up your tweezers. 

So since our teacher is obviously not present, as he is in the hospital having knee surgery, I call on the unofficial assistant teacher to help. She’s a senior who’s taken glass before and she’s the one who taught us how to do marbles in the first place. Most of the time she just chills out and does whatever the fuck she wants, which is usually making marbles, while chewing gum and listening to headphones, neither of which I think are allowed but she doesn’t give a shit. So she comes over and I ask her how to finish off my marble, which at this point in time is a nicely made marble but with some protrusion of excess glass hanging out because this is my second time making a marble, the first being over a week ago and out of my memory, and I have no clue what I’m doing. And shes like okay well uh what youre supposed to do to remove a marble from the rod is attach a second rod to the other side of the marble and im just here thinking I already did that but okay sure and she tells me that I have to reattach my marble to the rod at the point where I’ve got the fucked up protrusion, then on the other side of the marble add what’s called a punty. A punty is where you heat up a rod and stick it to whatever youre making while you remove that thing from the original rod but the thing that makes punties work is that they’re attached while the marble is sorta cool so they don’t heat fuse and they can just come right off well anyways as she was explaining this I didn’t remember that fine detail about punties so I take another rod and heat it up and attach it to the fucked up protrusion on the side of my marble and on the other side I stick on on yet another rod and this one I think might be the original 6mm one but I really don’t know at this point. But to stick that on I heat up the marble so that the rod sticks better and just so you know that’s exactly the opposite of what you want to do. But I don’t know that yet. So I go on my merry way and remove the fucked up protrusion and smooth it all out and its all lovely and then I ask her hey how do I remove the punty rod and she takes one look at it and shes like hmmmm well you fucked up. Thats heat fused on. So you gotta do another punty rod. And that I do, and this time I am successful, except. Except. When sticking my lovely marble back into the flame. I assume that it is still hot. It isn’t. Thermal shock cracks it straight down the goddamn middle. Both halves are still attached to the punty, by some miracle, but it is painfully clear that so much as looking at it the wrong way will cause those two halves to fall apart and be Marble-No-More. So carefully, very carefully, because although I have suffered more than enough I have gotten back up each and every time, and like hell I’m giving up on this marble, I stick it again into the flame, this time being more careful to heat it up gradually. There is a moment of crisis - I twirl the rod, and the slight heat on the punty rod allows one of the halves to angle away from the other, but I quickly turn it back over and let them sink into each other. The two fractured halves heat and fuse together, at first leaving little more than a seam, then only being remembered by the few small air bubbles trapped inside. Crisis: averted. Senior Marble Master is watching over my shoulder the entire time. I tell her I’m ready to remove the punty. Alright, she says, what you’re going to do is put it in the marble mold, and I follow along as she speaks. Instantly, with no effort needed at all, the moment I put the marble into the mold, the punty snaps off. It’s a clean break, and it’s beautiful - but it isn’t perfect. There’s a small bump where it was. Now you’re not supposed to stick your tools in the fire, but if you’re very very careful, you can hold your marble in the mold up to the flame. And so I did this, and once heated, I would twirl it around in the mold, trying to smooth out that one little bump. And then my hand slipped, and the marble jumped out of the mold and plummeted to the floor. The moment it rolled off the edge, I felt my soul slip away - all that work, gone, shattered onto the floor. 

IT SURVIVED.

And not only did it survive the three foot drop onto the stone floor, it decided to roll across the room and into the corner. This is not an empty corner. It is currently being occupied by a dozen glass tubes, each maybe three to four inches wide. And each of these tubes is wrapped. In plastic. My burning hot escapee marble rolls across the room, into the corner, and comes to rest on the corner of a tube’s plastic packaging. Fun fact! Plastic? It Melts. I am too in shock from dropping my marble and then having it survive to realize that it can’t stay there forever. Thankfully, Senior Marble Master doesn’t have this issue. She grabs a pair of mashing tweezers - tweezers, but with wide, flat squares for Making Things Flat - and journeys across the room to pick up my absolute motherfucker of a marble. It comes back covered in burnt-black, smoldering plastic, but it is intact. I am amazed. She tells me the plastic is still hot and will stick to things, so I have to keep moving it around so that doesn’t happen, but otherwise it should just be fine. So I spend the next five or so minutes doing that, passing it between tweezers, rolling it around in a slightly larger marble mold, et cetera. I take that first picture up there. You can still see the black of the plastic on there, because when I took this, I had not yet decided to attempt to remove it. 

I started just by scratching it with my fingernails, and it worked for a time. By now it was cool, and I carried it with me as I wandered around the room, carefully trying to scrape off the plastic. I went to the small room in the back of the class, with a small sink, and grabbed a (dry) paper towel to aid this. But it isn’t very effective, and it definitely isn’t fast. So I return to the torch, place it in the mold, and carefully hold it up to the torch. It burns away the plastic beautifully; blue flames licking across its surface as it feasts on the easy food. But again - it isn’t perfect. I try to rotate it, let it get at the marks on other sides, but it won’t comply. So I return to the corner room, getting a new piece of paper towel - now wet with cold water. I forget that the marble is still hot. Once again, it snaps with thermal shock - but only partly. Two new fractures run across its face. Despite that, despite everything, it is still whole. 

Fuck this, I decide, I’m not doing any more work to clean this up.

I spend the next fifteen minutes or so taking photos of this marble, this incredible fucker who seems to break at the slightest inconvenience yet hold strong, because I know deep inside me that it doesn’t have much time left. That it won’t survive the next few hours in my pocket, as I go through class and bike home through the persistent summer heat. 

And then, I start writing this.

(and then I keep writing it all throughout my lunch period, and then I decide I don’t want to keep writing it on my phone, so I decide to save it to drafts, and tumblr just deletes the whole damn thing cause it evidently hates any and all photo posts, and then I rewrite the whole damn thing. by the way as I finish this it’s 17:18 and i finished the marble at like 11:25, and it survived the trip home despite my greatest fears and is now chilling in a bottle cap on my bedside table. also at one point during the ‘remove plastic’ stage I drop it again and it rolls under the table and is once again fine, just linty. not counting this epilogue/note/whatever, i wrote two thousand words. on a google doc with 12pt arial and single spacing, that’s about three full pages of text. the things i do to spite tumblr’s shitty code that deletes my posts!)

[just-symphony-stuff]

ALRIGHT LET'S CHANGE IT UP!

Im kind of in a weird mood lately where i suddenly have a lot of mental life changes (??? Is that even the right way to say it idk lmao) but they're good! I think im getting into a better mindset then i was at the start of ??? Idk when it started to get bad actually. Like where did this came from, I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THESE FUCKING FEELINGS OKAY?!?!?

Anyways

This weird mood swing really made me think differently. In the past (lol past, it's like a few weeks ago) i was thinking about how i had to do so much for school and questioning if it was even worth it. BUT i never thought about how to fix it. Quee this weird fucking mind thing and now understand it better.

So i had this problem since graduation from high school that in my new school, it's expected of you to do a lot of things independently. My mind was kinda shook and all i could think was if i even was going to make it. Then, instead of thinking what i should do while doing my best to relax with old methods, i did what i was needed to do and changed my methods of relaxing.

I made a list of all the things i needed to do and i could see that it wasn't actually that much, but it was if you counted it up without any plan. I have 6 things which i have 3 done for already, 1 started and 1 which doesn't really take a lot of time to do. Now i just need to plan 2 weeks and im set. Then im of for another period of ten weeks to plan which will be so much better i can tell. This list actually really helped me see what i needed to do and calmed me down.

I made a plan on what to do with my urge to writing!

Like i did with things for school i made a list of my ideas, not counting it in my head. And i kind of see what is causing my frustration: I only have big projects. I know it's a tendency of mine, dreaming big but never doing anything, but i think i have found a way to slowly make this happen! What i wanna do is to begin low, just a quick one-shots of something funny/sad/making-you-feel-lovey-dovey with no weight at all. Then slowly move up the bar. A multiple chapter story with only a few chapters. And keep progressing up with the difficullty.

And i need to just post. No need to overthink it, just post, take the critism (and praise, never focus on negative only!) and the next will be better.

So with that out of the way:

Do you have any prompt for me to write to?

As i said i only really focus on big projects so i don't have any really small ones. I think if i got send an prompt and limit myself to that it would be an easy way to progress in both writing and building small ideas.

Now onto the relaxing things!

I used game and read a lot to destress and ir worked well in the past but it isn't working anymore. With gaming i don't have a lot games that interest me anymore and reading gives me the urge to make a story, but then i have to make it as good as this one and it needs to be--

You get what it mean...

So i make plans with my friends from high school. As i mentioned, i graduated from high school and now me and my small friend group all go to different schools. We haven't really seen eachother irl since then but we text alot.

So now that i had a small week off, and normally i would of spend my time 'relaxing' i had a different kind of holiday with my family. We had 3 days to explore the whole of Texel and we did. Monday we arrived, Tuesday to Thursday we went to city's/towns and friday we went back. Almost no sitting still, we usually stopped because we had to think about our dog and we wanted to eat dinner at the little home we rented. And it took my mind of things!

So now me and my friends (i have a really weird urges to express all my friends from that group are female and i am male, idk i guess i feel more comfortable talking to them, they are my best friends) are going to ice skate! YAAAAAS OMG! I've had the urge to go ice skating since April but i couldn't because the rink nearby closes in spring/summer. (Maybe if im really into it i could go into skating lessons??? It'll be the same for my horse riding, it calms me alot, repeatedly doing something that is. God i haven't ridden an horse since i moved and that was 6 months ago, damn maybe that feeling made me feel like this) And now i am a complete figyre skating freak and i need to watch these people make art with their bodies!

I think thats all i wanted to express while having the urge to make this pkst so let's end this.

So anyway, send me prompts and thank you for reading it this far and not leave! It nice to know you cared 😊

Ps i almost wanted to say 'im sorry for the long rant' but i felt this was more negative then i actually wrote down, see what a difference it makes.

Pps wow this went from one subject to another didn't it.

[glittergutts]

Tuesday rambles

I made a little doodle yesterday and i don't know the last time I activated my creative powers so thats a thing. And honestly a sign my fight the depression thing is working. I only draw when I'm in a good mental place. I used to use draw to cope but lost that skill along the way. It was a stress doodle and it did make me feel better. My husband even said he didn't know the last time I drew something.

I feel like I'm coming back from the dead. Mostly without taking benzos i don't feel numb anymore, shit even looks different suddenly everything is alive and beautiful and important. Its overwhelming but its not all good. I woke up soaked in sweat shaking pretty bad.

I didn't make it back to sleep. Sometimes its good to have an "excuse" to be tired so I will actually take a real nap if I believe I need it. I'm learning some brain tricks.

The worst part is when I have no patience left and I feel like running away. I think its a sign to separate myself from everyone for a few minutes and figure out what I need. Right now I need breakfast but the beds so cozy.

My husband got my ladies fish tank looking good and clean last night so I'll really enjoy my room today. Theres a small chance we might go out to my cousins and maybe swim. I don't really know I feel like I have too much to do and need rest.

I need to take some time today to rewrite a list and put it in a erasable sleeve I can dry erase. I'm going to try to move away from auditory reminders in the morning and try to go off a self driven list. The times are wrong on the app I use on weekends and its made it hard to use. I will eventually use evening reminders for that routine as well until I learn it and can be self driven.

Idk my head hurts and I have too many thoughts. I feel sick with energy I can hear my heart beat and cant turn my brain down. Almost manic? I fucking hope not though.

Unless its a rare helpful manic phase where I feel trapped at home so I clean the shit out of something and then I feel a little better and the manic never stays around long so if this last into the regular morning hours im going to try to use it. I want to clean my bathroom.

A nice deep clean. Then I want to use my last lush bath bomb as self reward. My bathroom is tiny, shared by 4 people and is not really a space I like but I do like baths and the dirty favors has kept me from taking nice baths and just instead shower. Anyways I realize now I set a road block in front of one of my go to coping skills which is taking a bath. Must be fixed before it turns into an unmanageable problem. Ive literally blocked myself from my elipticle and I hate it so bad. Fucking boxes and storage and mess.

I've got some trash/recycling and dishes but otherwise the kitchen is clean enough for me to finally clear off the last end of the table.

I'm really thankful for all that my husband has done and helped me with the past few days. I'm sad he's going back to work after the holiday because I always miss him and it makes the day feel long and shitty when he's away.

Anyways this is now too long and I don't feel like rereading it. Sorry for the long post

I really do feel manic.

[goodeveningbella]

round 3 - dreamer house 

by the end of this round, tango, valentino, & woodys ages are all fixed, evelyns age is still a little wonky. gonna feel like shes a child for fuckin ever but thats my problem and luckily shes a nice kid

also figured that since tangos been living with his bio dad his whole life and darrens a very important figure in his life (and tangos a family sim) hed want to share his last name, so his name is now tango caliente dreamer. changed it when he became a teen

but anyway

on monday, when the kids were at school and nina at work, darren wanted to invite over ivy copur, his other lover whos pregnant with his child. they shared a romantic afternoon before the kids came home

evelyn aged up to a child on monday

on tuesday, nina got promoted thanks to a chance card, becoming an interpretive dancer (lvl 6)

also on tuesday, darren was promoted to a general practicioner (lvl 6) (thank goodness) and could leave the night shift behind.

on wednesday, with the kids all at school and darren at work, nina went out on a date with daniel pleasant, with whom shed become best friends earlier. they had a dreamy time at the rainy woodland park, nina gained a cleaning skill point (guess they had to disinfect the park bench they woohooed on lol) and afterwards daniel got his wallet stolen 

darren aged up to an elder on wednesday. no party was thrown because he was at work till the last moment

tango aged up to a teen on thursday. hes an aquarius so he became a family sim

[jaffre]

life update

i havent really talked about it cuz ive been stressed but last tuesday i was starting a work rehabilitation center for mentally ill ppl, where theres activity to see what you’re good at, help you with autonomy, figure out a professional plan, etc, stuff like that but on thar first day, on that first morning, i just fucked up at the end of the morning before leaving for lunch, i asked the ppl present if they could call me jaffre (a nickname) instead of my birthname, and the lady in charge of the activity basically just went, oh but i love your first name its pretty so other ppl may call you jaffre but i’ll still use ur first name and i was like

so i go to have lunch and the whole time all i wanna do is GO HOME like il trying really hard to ignore it bc its only the first day, and i like what we do here, and after lunch i have like an hour before afternoon activity and im just crying so i decide to call my mom to talk to her about it......i never really talked about trans stuff to her but i thought this could be the time to finally get on the topic and get some recomfort & all and

boy

what a mistake

she said horrible things, like, think how hard it is for others, if you give up everytime someone does something that annoys you you’ll never do anything with your life. just the fact she said that this woman saying to my face she wouldnt use my preferred name is a thing that “annoys” me if just......so hurtful. why do you defend a random woman you dont know instead of recomforting your trans child, jesus.

i hang up and her and ran away crying and just went home. didnt reply to calls from the center and my mom bc i was just unable to

mom sent me a message later this same day saying the center called her (shes my emergency contact) and that they’re waiting for me the next morning to talk to the nurses about what happened and help me thru it but

i wasnt able to go

just thinking about going back there freaks me out

i wasnt able to answer their calls and wasnt able to call them back either. i did send them an email trying to get in touch another way! but they just said hey call this number.

and since then idk what to do. ive stayed home this week instead of trying to go back there. im just....so anxious. of course that means im not in contact with mom anymore either. i dont know what to do

im so pissed at myself for running away instead of powering thru the day. so pissed i called my mom, should have known it wasnt a good move. pissed that i fucked up the one thing i was really looking forward to and that could actually help me

i think its just.....i realise how much being trans, and not being respected as a trans person, how this whole thing in my life not being taken care of, really impacts me negatively. like, if i wasnt trans, i wouldnt have freaked out as being misnamed, i wouldnt even worry about it in the first place, i would have stayed there no problem. but i cant pass, i dont even want hormones, i just want top surgery, but how will that help me anyway, i mean i know i’ll feel better, but ppl will still misgender me. i still would have to use my legal name for stuff. im just so tired. i dont want this. the whole time i was there at lunch time before i called my mom, i kept thinking how everything would be easier if i was just a cis girl. and i hate thinking things like that. but its true. itd be easier. i wouldnt have so much trouble dressing up and going out. im sure itd fix like at least a third of why im not good.

i still cant understand how a woman working in a place with mental ill people ignored my call for a preferred name. like, even without the trans stuff. if someone ask you to use a nickname bc they’re more comfortable with it, you do it??? not doing it is just an asshole move???? thats fucked up thats fucked up thats fucked up how am i supposed to feel safe going back there anymore???? i was so excited to go there i was going to help with christmas decorations and garden work til christmas and after that there was going to be some classes, and the wood work activity, and i was even gonna try playing badminton again, and i fucked it all up and idk how to fix but i dont want to fix it because i dont want to go back there because of this horrible woman and i feel terrible that such a small thing fucked me up so much

[tijuana-blues]

I waited until i got to work to type this.

The end of this month crosses the 1 year mark. only one year ago my world was completely different, and on the Verge of Collapse. A little backstory is needed before i continue.

Yesterday was a normal Tuesday for me. Work didnt stress me, no problems arose. My parents texted me and my brother to eat steak for Dinner. The Food was delicious, and i was preparing to head home, hit a Nice Big Dab, play a round of Smite, and hit the sack, seeing as how i hadnt slept in over 24 hours, and the only thing fueling me was the Gram of Coke i bought on Monday lol.

So as i Get up to Put away my dishes and say goodbye, i get a FaceBook Message. Its my Cousin, Isaiah.

He says he got into an Argument with his dad and got kicked out. He needed somewhere to sleep for the night. 

Sure, I tell him. I cant just ignore him if he has nowhere to go. He meets me at my house 5 Minuets later with a backpack full of beer, a bottle of Vodka, and half a loaf of bread and sandwhich meats. My Cousin is crazy lmao, he has the Apache Blood in him more than me. Anyway, since hes staying, i ask if he can find some Wax, so i wouldnt be taking from my Brothers Stash. We meet up a half hour later and pick it up.

so were in my garage, passing the rig back and forth while i Showed him how Smite Worked. And then suddenly he pulls a rolled up baggie out his pocket.

A rolled white Baggie full of powder.

“well we can finish this off, then. since youre letting me Crash here.”

Im not one to ask for payment to crash at my place, but i wasnt gonna say no either lol.

he pours it out on the glass i had been using myself and began to chop it fine with the razor blade i used too.

i had taken a couple pretty good sized dabs in quick order, so i was pretty toasted when he handed me the glass and rolled up dollar. I only saw the 2 lines he had cut on it, so i just assumed he cut two for both of us and i was going first. So i just aim the dollar at the line on the right and Snort away, dragging the dollar quickly, then my Nostril Burst into Flame. I had made a mistake, he cut one line for Me from the PILE on the left.

The PILE i just Tornado’ed up my nose, and was now drinking water to keep my throat from going numb from the river of coke mucus running down it.  I hear my Cousin laughing next to me.

“youre a maniac, Cuz! you railed that whole Fat ass pIle!”

Well Fuck. so much for sleeping. Lighting Coursed through my Veins 5 minuets later, and i started drinking Beers to fight the Drip.

Now Isaiah told me that it was Good Shit, but i hardly take his word for it Nowadays. hes off mark most of the Time. Not this time, Though.

15 Minutes Later im Chainsmoking Cigarettes out front of my Driveway Drinking beer and my Jaw was shaking in my Head.

You know its  Good Shit when it makes someone who spent the last 24 hours doing Coke often, gives him the Jabber Jaw.

me and Isaiah just began to talk bullshit into the NIght. at Around Midnight he was talking about a girl he knew for awhile now liking him. And him liking her too but he didnt think a Relationship would be good at the Time.

Then Youre Face appeared in my Head. Like it always does. I havent Gone a day yet where i dont see you in my head.

I dont know what caused this, Perhaps it was the Coke in my System with the Beer. Or Maybe it made me finally push past my Insecurities.

i Began to talk about how i Felt the Same, how i couldnt really talk to other women or really want to because of the Luggage i was Still Carrying with My Ex, Maria.

And from there i began to talk and Talk and Talk. I couldnt Stop, the Words i had been saying in my head Every day this Past Year came out.  I sat in my Garage all night Long, Until 5:00 AM, Talking to Isaiah About Her.

I didnt hold back, and surprised myself as my eyes stayed dry and my Voice Stone Cold.

I told HIm about How every Woman i ever Dated All Cheated on Me and Left me without a Second Glance.  About How My First Girlfriend Megan roped me into a 3 year Lie and ruined my trust in people. I talked about how the girls i dated afterwards all did the same thing, and how i wished i was joking to him.

I told him about how i blamed myself for each failed relationship, and how id spend nights trying to figure out a way to fix myself. How i felt like i wasnt meant to be Happy with anyone and how i stuffed it all down deep and dealt with it only in my most private moments.

...And Then i told him about How I Met her in my Junior Year of High School. The Class was Anatomy, a class full of 24 teenagers with the worlds Laziest Teacher. It was the First Day, and I walked in to a semi empty classroom with kids walking around, picking out a seat for the rest of the semester. the desks all faced forward, in groups of twos in four rows across. I took a seat on the outside Left side around the Middle. I just dropped my Bag and sat in my Seat, waiting for the class to start, checking my phone every now and Again. 

And the seats began to fill up, the Desk next to me taken by a Tall Nerdy looking kid with blonde hair and Garth Glasses, A KId i Befriended. Daniel Butttruck. Thats not how you spell the last name but thats how it sounds lol. So i named him Butt Truck and thats his name to this day lol. 

The Chair in front of Daniel on the right was taken by a Friend of Daniels, A glasses clad Girl name Aly, And all you need to know about her is that she has a IQ just North of a Bedroom Slipper.

And lastly, A Girl In crutches slowly approached the chair in front of me, and slid into the Chair as the class started. She had a big black velcro Boot strapped to her Leg, and it stuck out into the walkway on our left a bit. She had Dark Hair that was cut into a really cute short style. At first i didnt really notice her until a few weeks into the semester where the Teacher flipped the front two desks around, making Pods of 4. So Now She Faced me and Aly faced Dan on the right. 

Thats When i noticed her.

She had Brown Eyes that shone slightly, like Fine Wood Tarnished to a Dark Brown Mixed with Lighter Browns. Her nose was a small little Button Nose between her prominent Cheekbones that raised when she smiled. She didnt Wear much Makeup, or at least looked like she didnt. I remember to this day about how i would see her smile and laugh a bit as we all got comfortable as a group, me cracking Jokes and being dumb some days, with Days. As time passed i began to Notice her more. I began picking her out in the hallways as i walked to class. Sometimes I would say Hi and see her reaction.She was like me in some ways, wasnt a morning person, and had the same sense of Humor. I remember the time Dan Told us about how he Broke his Leg at Blizzcon.

Yeah, if youre not 12 years old, Dan was the Kid who Broke his Leg in like 2006 at Blizzcon Dancing like a Zombie. He was on Tosh.O or was going to be? ill ask him next time i see him lol. Anyway, hes telling us this story and Maria and I are Freaking Out because we realized he is Internet Famous, and Laughed Like Crazy.

Soon enough, I went from saying hi when i saw her to stopping by her morning class to say hi and chat, since my morning class was down the hall from hers, then sometimes wed walk toward our next class. Mind You, i Was a Junior at 17-going on 18, and Maria was two years younger than me. I never tried to flirt with her, but i enojoyed talking to her. I remember clearly One Winter Morning as i walked in from the Bus Lanes to my Morning Government Class, I see her standing by her Morning classroom, i dont remember what it was. She had her phone and was tapping away on it. I quickened my Pace as i passed her, and called out, “Maria!” she popped her head up and looked at me, and i Flipped her off. She gave a look of Confusion and laughed, walking into her classroom as the bell rang. I remember giggling to myself as i sat down, then asking myself, “Why the fuck did i do that for?? Idiot!”

That was the beginning of my Senior Year, Graduated 2011. We didnt have much contact after i Graduated, while i did the little schooling i did do, and work at that God Awful Produce Factory that first year out of High School.It wasnt until about a year or so later, when i started my job at Wal-Mart and Moved in with Christian. i remember it being Spring When i Saw Her Again. I Was collecting carts to put back in the cart corral, when i heard a Girls Voice Call my Name out in the Parking Lot.

I look out towards Barros Pizza in the plaza and i saw her Again.

It was a Bright Sunny Day, Not too Hot yet in the Summer. Her Hair had grown a bit longer, but still had its shape. She wore a Bright Yellow SunDress with Sunflowers on it. I remember how Cute i thought it was on her. I remember this moment so clearly because it was in that moment i felt something inside my heart. Like a Spark running through it.

I smiled and walked out to meet her, she had two of her other friends with her, they had been eating at Barros. Maria Hugged me and Asked me how i had been, and i told her about how i started working there and i live on my own now, looking into colleges. We chatted for a few minutes before i had to go back to work. I asked for her number to text with and, she walked off. As i went back inside i remember the times in Anatomy with our little group, and how i used to enjoy chatting with her. it also made me Remember the day i flipped her off, Years ago. As i lay down in bed that night, I remember thinking of her and telling myself, “you know, i think she would be an awesome Girlfriend.”

Months Passed and i hadnt had much Contact with Maria. I had my own problems at the time and i remember that period of my life to be so unstable i didnt want to date a girl and Live there lol. But i would text her every now and then and wed talk for a bit. I remember her dating someone at the time, and living with them. One Night in Particular I noticed she was posting on Tumblr and it seemed like she was Upset. So i Texted her and asked if she was doing alright. She said she was fine, but shes too much like me, i say that just to get people to leave me alone. I text back that she can talk or vent to me, that i didnt mind. And she did. She began to talk about her Relationship with her BF and how they rarely see each other because of work schedules and School. She told me she was thinking of just packing her things and leaving while he was at work. I told her, “Do what you have to do. if you arent happy, why are you there?”

i texted about a week or so later. She left him. She Began talking about moving to Portland With a Friend, and Getting out of AZ. I remember being bummed out at the news, my feelings for her had began to grow. I decided to step away for awhile, let those feelings go away. It must have been around 3 or  4 months later, or longer? But anyway, i see her posting on Tumblr Again, and i send her a DM asking how shes been, and if she moved to Oregon. She replied back and said her Friend Flaked, and that she really didnt want to go anyway. She says to text her, and i Ask for her Number Again. 

From then on, we talked semi often every couple days, more and more often as time passes. Finally, one Day i ask her to hangout sometime, go to the arcade, play air hockey. We had been talking pretty often by then, but no obvious flirting or anything. We meet up at the arcade and we take turns playing different games, Giant Connect Four, Air Hockey, Ticket Games. She bought me a little T rex with her tickets, i named him Revan. Then we just sat on a couch and People watched those who walked in. I remember feeling her arm against mine as we sat together, and Me leaning in Quickly and kissing her cheek, and Seeing her Smile.

About 4 or 5 more little Dates Later, I ask her if she would be serious, because i wanted to be.

Her Face Brightened as i saw her give the biggest Smile i ever seen from her, and she said Yes.

I told Isaiah how as the first year passed, i had been drunk off the happiness i had at the time. As i learned more about Maria, the more attractive she was to me. She is unlike any woman ive ever met before, or have met since. I told him about how i talked about her to my friends all the time, how smart she was, how she volunteered at a Funeral Home Embalming Bodies and playing with Corpses like a Badass. 

Then came my 22nd Birthday, on the first year we were dating in 2014. I didnt even want a present from her, she was all i wanted any day. I dont know why i never told her things like that. She Baked me Fudge Brownies after work on the week of my birthday, and i was more than happy.

Then she pulled a box out of Nowhere, Smiled That Warm Smile i Had come to Adore, and Said “Happy Birthday Babe!”

Before that Moment, i Cant recall a time that i was genuinely Surprised like that. I remember the words stopping in my throat and jumbled with the ones i had tried to say Next. Genuine Excitement as i opened the Long Brown Box. I opened the top flap and pulled the Styrofoam Casing to the Rectangle stick inside, Bright White with a Black Line going Down along the Length of it. And inbetween the space in the Line at the Hilt, Was the Red and White Sigil of the Uchiha.  

A fucking Uchiha Sword! Like i was in actual Disbelief when i Realized. And what i explain next i never told anyone other than Isaiah that night.

I had to Try my Hardest to keep from Crying in that moment. Not because i loved the Gift she had gotten me, and how she made it a surprise, Something no one has done for me before. 

It was because i remember a couple weeks before,as we scrolled Netflix one evening, i Saw Naruto on the list. I geeked out and asked you if you ever watched it, and began geeking out about it to her. I Made her watch some of my favorite episodes, and she would playfully Tease me about it. As My birthday neared, i came home from work one day to watch some Naruto Myself, and Booted up Netflix.

Someone went about 4 episodes ahead of where we Left off Last. I was at Work, and it was her Netflix Account. She actually started watching it because of how much i told her i liked it. Then She picked out something SHE thought i would like, instead of asking what I wanted like My Lazy Ass does.

No one had ever shown interest in Me like that before, and it touched me right in that moment. I blocked all emotion and was all smiled as i Hugged her Maria and told her how much i loved it. That thing was glued to my hip for like 2 months straight, i would get high after work and watch old Samurai and Ninja Movies, and act out the sword fighting with it. I even slept with it for the first Week.

In the days after that, i saw Maria in a whole new Light. I always knew the Maria who had her walls up to Anyone, the “i really dont care,” attitude she had when she was grumpy in the mornings. I got a glimpse at the Maria That was Behind that wall, The Real Maria.

Who Was sweet, considerate, and Generous. Loving and who could make me laugh.

Ever since that i saw that small glimpse of Her, My heart swelled and pumped blood thrice as hard, and my hands would shake and my mouth would get dry.

I was Falling in Love with you.

Hours have Passed, its Around 2 AM. The Line of Coke has me at Full Speed still, having plenty to say still. Isaiah just sits and drinks, giving the odd acknowledgement every couple of Sentences.

The months after my Birthday have passed, and things seem great between Maria and I. If i only knew what i know now.....

If i had just Put more Faith in You, and in my Heart. It Kills me to know how things would be if i had just manned up and told you how you made me feel....

After the first year, the strain began. We both worked. I had the accounting Job with the Contracting Company, and Maria was Working at a local Kids clothing store, and Volunteered at the Funeral Home, Along with her classes, AND she tutored.

i understood she had a full plate alot of the the time, not to mention the headaches and pains she would have. And that time of the month the poor girl was in pain Constantly.  So i didnt get upset or mad when she didnt have time to visit or was too tired from work. we were always talking.

But eventually the Strain and My past would come to Signal the End. it was August, 2015. My brother had fallen Behind on his Mortage Payments on his house, and needed to make a payment ASAP or he would lose the House. Naturally i gave him all the spare cash i could to keep a roof over our heads.

Unfortunately, It left me Penniless during the Month of August, which Marias Birthday was in.  I Felt Like Complete Shit but i was in a corner. I apologized to her and promised to make it up to her. It wasnt a big deal to her, but i just hated that it made me look like i dont give a shit. 

I had an Ace an hole, Though. i Saved a link to a site that makes Custom Rings that Maria had posted in Tumblr that she really liked and wanted. I ordered it and did it early enough to get it before Christmas.  It was already Too Late.

Maria was beginning to grow distant, not replying as soon or as often before. the replies getting shorter and shorter, the tone colder and colder. As we approached My birthday again, I plan a Group event with my friends and family, cause last year we went Paintballing and Maria wasnt there, she had work and class.

So im thinking of what i could do for a group, and i see that Charlie Murphy is doing a show ON my Birthday, a Friday! It was Perfect. I called and Reserved seats for everyone, ordered Bottle Service, i was so excited!

I texted Maria Telling her About the Comedy show and Date of My Birthday. She says she cant make it cause of work, she gets off at around 12. I was Bummed, but I understood. 

The Big Day comes and it starts off great. Work was a Breeze, and Maria greeted me with a Warm Happy Birthday first. As the day progressed Everything seemed Normal. As evening sets, we all get ready to go to the show. 8 o clock, Showtime!

it was a Fantastic Show, me and all my Friends and Family drinking and Laughing our Asses off. The only thing missing was Maria. I texted her before the show saying id text her after it was over. it woulda been near to midnight, and she coulda met up with us. The show ends around 1040, and the manager says we can finish off the bottles in the bar. Me and my Friends stay, and start getting Tanked. 

Midnight Comes, and i text Maria asking if she was off yet and if she wanted to come meet us. Time passes, and no reply.

she probably went home and crashed, she was probably tired, I think, as it wasnt Abnormal for her to Nap during the Day or whenever she could. So i check Facebook, and it Hits me.

A friend Tagged her and some friends at Westgate, not Long ago.

My heart Goes into FreeFall in My stomach.

Why would she be at Westgate After work? did she Ignore my Text...? why...?

My insecurites flared, and i assumed the worst. I remember everything going Quiet around me, My heart Hammering in my chest, blocking out all other noise.

i Shouldve just called. i Shouldve had more Faith in you, and what i Meant to you.

When every girl you date cheats on you and leaves, in a Row, it was hard not to assume the worst, when the worst is what always happens to you.

I remember the tears welling up in my eyes as i get up to go outside the bar. She went to go out with her friends, and she knew it was my Birthday Today....

It didnt make any sense to me, it all seemed so unbeliveable. But ive been wrong before. And add the excessive Alcohol, you get a Recipe for a Terrible Mistake. 

I wasnt Dumb, I knew Maria and I were Drifting apart, Our schedules getting more and more hectic. My job stressing me the fuck out day after day, Marias Packed Schedule.

I was so fucking stupid. Why did i wait? Why didnt i just drop to my knees and tell her when i look at her eyes, i feel like i could do anything. That when she was in my arms i Felt like i needed to become a Better man for her. Why did i wait?

December. Jerkoff Hipster making her ring is falling behind, gonna need a couple more weeks. delivery date mid Janurary. I Threw A fucking Fit. i could feel it all slipping away, no matter what I did. Why did i Wait?

I was so Terrified of Opening up to you, and you not feeling the same way. The Thought of looking into your eyes and telling you that i was in love with you, and i wanted to be with you forever, or until i died. I was Terrified of looking into your eyes and Shooting me down. The texts got shorter and shorter. only strengthening My doubts and Fears. 

Christmas. The Ring wasnt Ready yet. Another Fucking Embarassment. She got me a Captain Phasma Painting and some Marvel Shirts. I tell you, “look, i ordered this is time to get it for Christmas, but the Guy Got Delayed and it wasnt ready yet, but... i showed you the Ring on my Phone. 

It was the last smile i Saw on you in Person.

So many oppurtunities, wasted. so fucking Stupid. I promise to make it up to you.

Down to One Word Answers, or no Reply at all.

Janurary 2016. Hiroshima.

Valentines Day is Coming, Ill have the Ring Then! and i ordered a Cute little Stuffed Corgi to go with Some Flowers and a nice Romantic Date! i order everything and wait. 

You came over one week, and seemed in such a foul mood, i couldnt place it. I thought you were in Pain Probably. I tried to cuddle you, kiss your cheek, you clearly dont want the affection. I try something alittle more...Adult. 

You Grabbed my Wrist, and Yanked my Hand away, throwing it off you. I was in Shock. I still remember the look you Gave me that night, Clear as day. That Piercing Glare, Looking Right at me. Pure Anger. and Pain.

Youre replies, in thier Rarity, lacked no padding for thier sharp edges. I believe its all Over Now.

Late January 2016.

You came over one Last time. We had Sex one last time. I remember grabbing you after the first go around as you got up and laid you back down. I was such a Fool.

The Ring was Delivered that Weekend. Monday i text you to see when your free to visit next, your ring is ready and i wanted to see if it fit correctly. You reply your busy tomorrow. i ask with what? you reply with: Concert. i ask What concert. You say: Tribal Seeds.

You stopped Replying After That. The Next Day i texted you again asking when can you come hangout and see your Ring? 

You Broke up with me after that. 

It felt like everything around me had fallen below me, and all that was left was the dark and Silence. Typing about it now makes the Hole in my heart Ache. I remember how hard the Rain Poured that Night.....As i Cried along with it.

And it was only the Beginning for me.

The first weeks after that day are a blur to me. Either Too Many Drugs Or too Many Drinks, take your pic. i was Broken. One moment you were there, you were mine, and i was gonna fix everything come Valentines Day. I had a Nice Romantic Dinner planned, then a Scenic Walk where i would show you the ring and tell you that even though were having a Rough Patch right now, that i loved you and i wanted to do everything i can to prove it to you.

But you Had other plans didnt you?

God i can still feel my heart when I saw pictures of you and Him....I dont know how to Describe how Painful it was to see. It was only Feb, and you were already with someone else? Posting Valentines Shit? I cried for hours, I begged for you not to be like the others, To just leave me for Someone Else so Fucking Fast, like i was Nothing to you.

But thats how it went down, though. Didnt it?

Friends for over 5-6 Years, Lovers for 2.

I couldnt even get a goodbye.....Just a Text. Was that all i was worth, to you?

You got with him within Weeks of Dumping me. Yet your Tumblr youre heartbroken and sad. It was like i had Entered into some NIghtmare.

within the First Two Weeks, I dropped four Hits of Acid at Once. I wanted to Escape. Instead i jumped right into it. I see you posting on Tumblr. Sad, Depressing things. Your Tags show how you deleted the texts from your phone, even though you didnt want to. How you could literally see in your texts of your declining Affection for me. In the end, It was my own doing.

With the Courage of Acid, I messaged you. I ask if your okay, and you ask why, like i dont see your posts, like i dont possibly know why you could be feeling so sad. Even then, at the end, you couldnt be honest with me.

I ask you Maria cant we please Talk?

You say About what? Like you thought i was stupid.

And thats when i just finally, for the first time, although Far too Late. I opened up to you.

I remember Anatomy.

I Remember You At Barros that Day

I Remember Air Hockey at the Arcade.

I remember The Birthday Gift.

The Words poured out then like they do now, The Spark you set in my Heart was the most important thing to me.

Whatever i needed to do to make it work, no matter what, just please dont give up on me.....

You may as well as shot me dead with your reply.

“if you had said that before, things would be Completely different.”

“saying it Now doesnt Mean Much to me now”

Those words still Haunt Me, A Year Later. And it is not even the worst to come.

You Had the verdict long before i even knew. You Found my “dating Profile” Online, and didnt say anything. just let it stew inside you. As we grew apart it hurt to see you just blatantly ignore my messages. So i used that profile to look at women, nothing else. It was only on My Birthday i Night i Made a Mistake i Will Regret forever. Maria wasnt there, she was with her friends. she didnt want to come here, or answer my texts. she chose to be with my friends. I was always the girls’ Second Choice. I got Drunk. I got Upset. I wanted Petty Revenge. I cheated. I Dont even Remember her Name or what she really looked like. Never should have done it.

A month Passes. March. I ask to still be friends, and how i missed you. We start talking again, almost like how it used to be. Tagging each other in posts again.But i also See him. Concerts, posts, tags. It tore me apart. Some Days i would wake up at 4 AM from my alarm for work, and Your Face would be the first thing i see in my head. The Tears would flow before i could even open my eyes for the first time. I try to get you to meet up with me, so we can talk. After i opened up that night you agreed we should talk. Then you just changed your mind....You Said give it time, walk the path, smell the Roses, and maybe we can start again...

My heart is Pumping like a cannon as i go into detail for Isaiah, how i became a madman, was so motivated by the mere notion that MAYBE there was a CHANCE we could work it out later. I couldnt be stopped. I drank Nothing but Water, ate only Chicken, Raw Veggies, Salmon and Fish, and cut out ALL sugar and breads. I dropped 30 pounds in a Month, and was in great shape for a fight at the gym i trained at. I would watch these Inspirational videos everymorning at 3 AM, just to run for an hour. I posted everything on Snapchat, Only Because i Wanted Maria to see it. I was so Optimistic...

April 2016.

Family Vaction in Mexico. A week with a private beachfront Villa and as much Booze as i can drink. i go in with Gusto. The Villa Has Wifi, can keep up with your posts.tagged me in some. Then the posts about him.

I hated how it made me feel to read them. He had what i wanted for us. Our own Place. Just Us. and a Dog.

He took My Place and it Ate me Alive from the Inside.

I stayed up all night, drinking tequila by the shot, playing Toro Y moi and Chain smoking. I watched the reflection of the moon dance on the waves, and thought of you. When i hear the Ocean, and nights when the Moon is Large and Beautiful, i think of you. 

I Broke that night......

I knew there was no Path, no flowers to smell.

There was no Second Chance.

I Lost her.

And i couldnt get her back. She didnt want me anymore.

she wants someone else now, and when i Think about it I have to imagine Flames burning the thoughts away.

I guess after that night, i lost my motivation, i Wised up.

And i knew i had to come clean to you. It was the hardest thing i ever did.

It hurts so much still, looking back. Im So sorry...

Even after i hurt you that day, i still saw a sliver of you come through your walls.

I begged for you in time to forgive me, and over time we could be friends again. Let me earn back your trust, understand i made a Terrible Mistake and im willing to do anything to make it work.

Most people would have told me to go to hell and never talk to them again.

But not you. Not even then.

You Said, “ Maybe in time i will forgive you. maybe i wont. Depends on how i feel. for now you should make yourself scarce.”

I was stunned,,,those words hung on me for months after.  Did you really mean that, Maria?

And that was the last time i heard from you for awhile...i remember Breaking down at work....The Silence hurt the most. No Texts, No Posts, Nothing.

Not only did i lose the woman i Love, I lost a dear Friend as well...

When i Returned home, i Quit Training, I quit the fight, I quit Dieting. That deep, Dark Hole you brought me out of, Maria.....when i saw you that day....I went Right Back in.

since May 2016 i was in a hole that i could not get out of. sure, i made it look like i was living the life on snapchat, but in reality, on the inside, i was so broken.  Then Life Decided to kick me while i was down, and Took my Bonnie away from me. As if it couldnt get worse. My Brother and I Bawled as they put her to sleep. I was so fucking Lost.....

So i texted the one person who maybe might put up with my Bullshit....You.

and you were nice, you coulda kicked me when i was down and wouldve been justified. But you heard me out....More of that Real you shining through.

It is 4 AM now. i have spent all night telling this story to Isaiah, who has listened intently this whole time.

I tell him how after the months of Bonnies Death, I just didnt leave the house. Tried my Best to leave you be and not see shit that would kill me on the inside. The days became Quiet and Lonely. your presence in Tumblr becomes less and less active. 

I hardly see you or your posts anymore...

i harden my heart and try move on.

Then i see your posts about your health. the doctor scare, Lupus.

I felt so bad, and worried i wanted to see if you were okay, even though i knew you hate my guts.But i worried and Worried and finally said fuck it and just sent a message saying i heard what youre going through, im sorry, i hope you get better soon, if you need anything, please ask

I wasnt expecting a Response, Yet you sent one : Thanks for Caring.

couldnt expect more than that, so i leave it be.

That Night, Maria makes a post.

Its About me. 

My heart jumped into my throat and got stuck. My hands shook as i held my phone.

I didnt completely erase you out of my life.

i still think about you, from time to time.

Thank you for texting me today.

thank you for still caring about me.

Despite the shit i post on here, I still Care about you too.

And No its not the drugs Talking.

I read and Re-Read that post thousands of times in the following months. On Bad Days, Days where i wanted to give up. I read that post and it kept me going. First time reading it i Cried for hours. It was as if God heard a prayer.

To see you say that you still cared.....you will never know what that did. how that felt for me. Even Now it makes me tear up.

My heart didnt hurt as much after that, it healed some of it. I was always confused with Maria. One moment she says she cares, then comes off as your nothing to her. i never knew which was which.

and now, as the year came to face my Birthday again. There was only one thing i wanted. truly wanted. and if i got it, getting nothing else from anybody wouldnt even fucking matter.

I just wanted you to say Happy Birthday.

I didnt think you would. i thought you would have moved on by now, enjoying youre new life with him. I couldnt bleed about it any longer. i took the pieces of my heart and piece it back together again. i began to accept reality. and the pain began to dull.

NOV. 20th 2016

Saturday.

Woke up Early and went out to the woods to do some shooting. all day there. Head back for some Missouri BBQ, and get ready to get Blackout drunk Tonight. Night Goes well, Got trashed, had fun, Fought a couple dudes, enjoyed myself.

Got back to Devins Late that night. Eat Chocolate BDAY cake drunk.

Head off for bed. I sit on the edge of the bed and look at the time. 9:40 PM

She isnt gonna say it. Oh well. 

go to your blog to lookup your post to make me feel better.

Read the words, smile and Remember. Pain Begins to set in. 

back out of tags to leave, see another tag you never seen before.

“C and I”

click tag link.

Heart Explodes in my Chest, Breath Frozen in throat.

Its a picture. of us. Smiling. 

the Caption Read:” I know i have trouble expressing my emotions and feelings and stuff but this guy right here means the world to me. Hes sweet, caring and Funny and---”

I couldnt read the Rest. I began to Cry Non Stop, Like someone Just Told Me my mother was Murdered.

I couldnt stop it, couldnt control myself. The pain was so much. Each one more painful to look at. How did i never see them? How??

I couldnt do it anymore. I couldnt keep taking the pain of it. I deserved to be Happy too..

its been two months since that day.

its been over a year since i last seen you with my own eyes, heard your voice....

And now we reach the end of this story. i force myself to block out the memories, remember nothing.

I have to move on with my life....

and yet....after saying all that Isaiah, which After i had finished,  8 hours had passed. 8 hours i poured out my soul. such a weight had been lifted, it felt so good for someone to hear me out...

so i finish this sad story, and Isaiah asks me one question: How do you feel about her now?

I stayed quiet for a good amount of time. i mulled it over. every memory. Good. the Bad. The Ugly.  and i finally settled upon:

I miss her, Isaiah. Not like a lover misses his spouse, but like a friend who helped another Grow.

I hope to see you again one day, Maria.

[itsdumbgirlthings]

Day 4-7

Tuesday, January 7, 2020 22:32

look at that. I missed more days. This is going swimmingly

Today was memen’s bday and overall it was lovely.

It was a pretty frustrating day otherwise though. I was frustrated with both my father and my older sisters.

But memen herself and her birthday was the highlight and made the day much more manageable despite everything else.

I just really hate how Donna needs to be in control of everyone’s bday. I know she means well, but sometimes she just needs to relax and let everyone else celebrate how they want to celebrate their own birthday. Also what is her problem with driving and money? She’s so stubborn it hurts. Like she is not willing to compromise even if it benefits the whole group. She will be stubborn unless it benefits her. Dividing up the check was like pulling teeth. It came down to 6 cents and she was asking how we were going to divided that. We’re already agreed that everyone is paying for what they got, splitting taxes and such, and there were still cents unaccounted for, so now she had to recalculate everything.  

Daisy needs to come to terms that she lives a whole state away. She’s married and even has her own house. Why is it suddenly my fault that I forget to include her in plans when she has a whole life of her own now? Its no one’s fault. Its life. People move on. We can’t stay a pack forever. If she really wanted to be there for memen’s bday then she would come here herself. I shouldnt have to tell her anything, thats not my responsibility. She lives 4 hours away. I asked her this past weekend when she was going to be back and she said not until this coming weekend. Did she forget it was her sister’s bday in between those days. I assumed nothing. I asked when she will be back. I wasnt going to tell her to leave her home and come here when she was planning on being back this weekend. I understand that she’s not the happiest down there, so why did she get married and moved there if she’s not happy? She said she wasnt working or doing anything anyway so why didn’t she make a point to come here on her own? Did she have to wait for me to tell her of a plan? Maybe she could’ve made plans herself. Would she only want to come up if there was a plan? We always have plans for our birthdays. This is why I’m so frustrated. We have always had a plan for the day of the birthday and weekends prior and after the day of the birthday. There’s usually at least 2 plans. She didn’t have to wait for anyone to tell her anything.

Then theres my dad. I was at home, trying to fix myself something to eat, and he comes storming down the stairs asking me about my letter from Probation and all hell broke lose once I tried to reassure him that I was going to talk to my probation officer soon, I have already talked to her, I have receipts of payments, she has receipts of payments and he still was angry!

The lack of communication between my parents and I, my older sisters and I, are getting really old. Im getting so frustrated lately. 

Actually communicating with people have been frustrating. I remember why i didnt talk to people or asked anyone of anything in the first place. I really feel like most people can rant to me and explain to me and complain to me about anything and everything. Then I start to do it and I just feel dismissed. I feel that way about Sara too. 

I know I cant expect everyone to be as approachable and understanding. But I just feel like they’re not even making an effort to be. I just feel like almost everyone is staying stagnant while I’m trying to change for myself. I dont want people to change for me, but I know that they have the ability to become better versions of themselves and I can’t understand why they are not reaching for those opportunities. 

Complacency, Control, codependency.....

The past few days have been great though. Stephen hit me up today. I usually hit him up and he called me and asked me if I can blaze and my heart melted.

I feel like i need to trade a good relationship romantically with a frustrating relationship with my family. I can never have both. It cant ever be perfect like that. That everything just falls to place and becomes less stressful. I know its me too. I let them get on my nerves. But I used to not do that and I became the person I am. Anxious, depressed, self-doubting, self-harming, suicidal. Now im actually trying to know and understand my worth. But i feel like everyone has pretty much confirmed all my fears and the reasons why I want to kill myself. They do think i am a burden. They do think that i somehow have ill intent by not inviting them to memen, francis and I’s plans. They do think I cause problems. My dad thinks im disrespectful. I can’t expect to change them but they expect me to change for them. I can’t expect them to treat me differently but the want me to treat them a certain way. It’s a double standard. All the reasons that makes me anxious are real. All the reasons that made me depressed are real.  Others expect me to make an effort but I can’t expect others to make an effort the same way. I need to accept others for the way they are, but I can’t expect others to accept me the way I am. 

So what do I do. I’m gonna not care how things affect others just like they obviously dont care how certain things affect me. They’re not responsible for my emotions and I am not responsible for theirs. All I can do is explain and defend myself. And yes it is worth it everytime. I dont care if it cause more of a problem. They’ve said their piece and im not just going to shut up anymore and not say mine. I have as much of a right of defending myself as anyone else. I have a right to speak my mind and for others to listen to what I have to say. I listen to what others say and by golly, they will hear me too.

Anyway, Stephen and I had a great day yesterday. I had a good brunch with Allie and Sara. I had a good time with memen and francis at spizzico and the point today....Overally, life is good and I cant complain. I just need to rant sometimes so I dont keep all this is my heart. Maybe I can understand them better too. I am honestly more concerned. Thats where the anxiety comes from. I don’t know. The more I interact with my older sisters, the more I like having the space between. They’ve just been different. I thought they’d be the same as they were when they were my age. I thought when I turned into my 20s I’d be hanging out with them, and they’d be proud of me. But recently they’ve just been more judgmental. It feels a little hypocritical of them. I hoped that I could be more open to them and now i just want to close my self from them. I was hoping they’d be more sympathetic. But I just feel like a burden. I just feel like I’m leeching off others. Feeding from their energies and finances. 

Except for memen and francis, right now, I have very little to live for. I dont really mean that anymore. I wanna live for me. They just bring me down when they see me getting up and I’m a little proud of myself for that. 

Nah, somedays I just reeally want to kill myself to spite everyone. Honestly, fuck you guys. You know I can’t make it on my own out here and yet you still kick me out. You know I can’t make it out there and you still tell me I can’t stay long enough because I’m suicidal. You know I can’t make it on my own in the world right now and yet you make me feel worried about living here and expect me to call you friend. You know I’m having a hard time trying to wrap my head around everything and you dismiss what I have to say, then lecture me of your own philosophy as if it was truer than my own without even giving me a chance to speak my mind completely. 

I’m just done with being dismissed. with not being heard. I’m done with others having strong opinions and once I express my strong opinions it gets only negative responses. I just want to express myself and have someone like me to be understanding on the other side just like others can express themselves in front of me and I have nothing but respect.  

I just want to be validated. I just want to be heard. I just want someone to sympathize, to see me as I am. They dont need to accept me, they dont need to like me, but I just want to be seen as a person who can have her own opinions and her own morality too. I just want to be seen. I just want people to stop looking at me as if I’m translucent. I want people to see my genuine self and go about their day. I’m not a bad person. 

I just want someone to tell me, you’re doing your best. 

I’m doing my best. 

[crbrickey]

What I mean by Casey luck ...

Let me preface this by “I'm not complaining.” I want to share this story just to highlight what I mean when I say something got Casey’d. Remember, I might be frustrated during this experience, but I always end up laughing about it. 

To start the story, we have to go back a little over 13 months ago. Right around the first of July last year, something happened and I lost my internet. I have Cox internet so of course, I called their technical support. After 2 hours of trouble shooting they finally agreed I needed a tech. I knew the problem, was on their end, not mine--but you cannot tell them that. After we agreed to a tech visit, they informed me they were booked for at least a week. This made my blood boil, unfortunately in today's world, a day without internet is inconvenient. A whole week would probably be impossible. So like a millennial, (I hate calling myself this, but I acted like one), I decided to change internet companies. So I went to AT&T. 

AT&T was able to come out the next day and I was up and running. But it was so slow, it was more like a slight jog. So I was up and jogging. After a couple of days and with my roommate situation, AT&T was not a suitable replacement. Finally, Cox came out, fixed the problem and made my bill cheap enough, I could afford to keep them and AT&T. Since I signed a contract with AT&T, I was stuck with them for a year. 

Fast forward-- a year later. I have zero roommates and needed to make cutbacks. Thankfully, my contract was only for a year, so I could cancel my AT&T internet without any penalty, or so I thought lol. So, I cancelled AT&T. No problems, right? 

Fast forward a month, I get an email from DirecTv, which I have had since November of 2010. I absolutely love DirecTv. Anyways, the email informed me that my bill has not been paid. See, when I got AT&T, I bundled them together- internet and Tv to save money. So technically, I paid the bill via my internet service. I now no longer had the internet, so I had no internet bill. Ergo, my DirecTv, never got paid. So, per instructions, I went to mph account to pay my bill because I hate not being reliable, or a bad customer. So now the real fun begins. 

I go to sign in on my DirecTv account, and I get sent to AT&T. I go to my account, and I have a zero balance. Duh! I don’t have internet anymore. So I call AT&T/DirecTv. I explain to them I cannot get into my tv account because it keeps sending me to my internet account. After 2 or 3 hours on the phone, I get nowhere. I decided I would just go to the store and talk to them in person. Last Friday, I went to the store. Another 3 hours of my life gone. Even all the staff in the store tried to help. Still, nothing!! Finally, we find the problem, when they disconnected my service, they should've disconnected the accounts first. But they didn’t. So, we have the problem, how do we fix it? They decide they can just restart the internet account, sever the connection to the tv and then re-cancel the internet. Seems simple enough, yet they have to have their high ups do this. 

So I get a call on Sunday to go over the problem again, they assure me they are just going over this again so that when the fixers come to work on Tuesday, they can fix the problem. Lets just say Tuesday has come and I’m still locked out of my account. A solution has been found to a problem thats should’ve never happened, yet nothing is fixed. When we started down this road 10 days ago, I never imagined I would spend over 10 hours of my life on the phone or in the store trying to fix a problem that is actually making it impossible for me to pay my bill. Let me say this again. I have spent 10 hours of MY time so I can pay a company $300 a month. Why should I have to work so hard for them to get paid?

Now it has been frustrating, but there is nothing you can do but laugh. I can't imagine many other people having a problem like this. This is definitely my definition of a situation getting Casey’d Up! Nobody in the store had ever experienced this problem before. Maybe I'm a first, anyways when I do get the ability to pay my bill, you can bet your booty, I will not be paying a late fee, it literally isn’t my fault. I’ll be sure to let you guys know when I am finally able to get into my account. I just hope I can get into it before they decide to shut off my tv service.

Hope everybody has a good weekend and I will be back next week with another  crazy tale from the life of Casey.