#but anyway i think the second-guessing is still outweighed by the fuzzy feelings of being called cute :3

[hernymills]

.

[poliel]

Surprise Egg: 8/13: Eggabell

Unsurprisingly striding back into town with Eggabell caused a commotion. Not even five minutes passed between her walking into town and everyone gathering to speak to her. There were many questions about Lizbert and what had happened to her all of which Eggabell deftly avoided and then quickly stopped via stating her reason for returning being to examine the egg more properly.

Apparently, it was Gramble’s turn to pouch it. He happily rushed over to give it to her. Buddy turned to leave. Since they were still stuck here they might as well go hunting for everyone and search more for the Snaxsquatch too while they were out. Before they could even pick which direction to head out in though…

“Hey Buddy,” Filbo said as he came up next to them, linking an arm through theirs. “It’s been a little while since we spent an evening together, you want to hang out?”

“You just want me to stick around so Eggebell can examine me before going back to Frosted Peak, right?”

“Huh? No. She only said she’d do that if you let her. I just want to hang out because it’s been a little while and I’ve missed you.” His faux innocence was cute and honestly would’ve been convincing if they didn’t know better due to the fact they’d just spent almost the whole day together climbing the mountain then coming back down. Not to mention this was the same tactic he often tried to pull when he wanted them to take another break once outright asking had started to fail. And like every other time he would either drop it with a sad sigh if Buddy persisted or would push the issue until one of them gave up.

Buddy sighed. “Fine.” The attempt at opening the stone doors failing meant that they had stuff they needed to catch up on in their journal anyway. … And they were tired. No amount of rest really made them less tired so there was no point in it a lot of the time but if it made Filbo happy then they’d put up with it. And they liked spending time with him too so why not?

~

“The egg’s underdeveloped,” Eggabell said as she poked her head into the hut after not evening bothering to knock before opening the door. “I don’t have the tools to determine anything more than that but I don’t think it’s fatally so, no thanks to a certain someone trying to give themself hypothermia and frostbite while carrying it.” She gave Buddy a pointed glare which was undeservedbecause they hadn’t known and hadn’t been trying to give themself anything of the sort. “The grumpling’s going to hatch small and probably weak too but with proper care I think they should be all right. But you guys aren’t in charge of it so that’s really all you probably want to know, right?”

“Yeah, thanks for telling us. Now uh….” Filbo trailed off.

“You want me to do Buddy?” She looked at them again. She’d already made it clear on multiple occasions that she was concerned about them but, like with her previous attempts to get them to do or not do something, if they refused she’d probably go back to looking for Lizbert without much of a fight. But…

“Fine.” With a sigh, Buddy flipped their doodling journal closed and extricated themself from the bed and cuddling into Filbo’s side. “But make it quick.”

“I intend to.”

~

Doctor visits and examinations were always the worst with the ice-cold stethoscope and all the prodding and the poking. Not to mention the invasive questions and ‘how would you rate your pain/discomfort?’s. There were two bright sides here though; she didn’t poke them with any needles and she had a salve to put over their various burns, making those spots at least feel better almost instantly – if they’d known such a thing was in her medical bag, they’d have stolen it long ago as they’d be doing from here on out.

“You’re malnourished and not recovered from giving birth in such a state,” she declared after what felt like forever.

They hopped off her makeshift examine table set up in the front part of her and Lizbert’s hut. “Shocking. I never would’ve guessed.”

She frowned at them. “I don’t know what your hang up is about not eating bugsnax but I suggest you let it go for the sake of your health.”

They’d have gladly given up their initial hang ups with it if they could. “I can’t. I’m allergic.”

“Oh! Uh… that’s really bad. How allergic are you exactly? If it’s just a mild rash or something it might be worth it to just suffer through it at this point.”

True and if that was the case they’d have done so long before now but… “I ate one and then spent the next few hours in outhouse.”

“Oh hmmm… definitely don’t then because in your state you could easily die from that.”

Buddy had not even considered that. All the more reason not to partake because that was not how they were going to die if they could help it.

Eggabell sighed before continuing. “You should probably go home then. Bring Gramble and Shelda with you too if you can. I know Gramble’s not going to want to go and probably neither is Shelda but…”

“No. I’m not leaving until I’ve interviewed Lizbert or we find solid proof she’s dead.” That made Eggabell flinch but Buddy didn’t care enough to apologize. “So not until we open the stone doors.” They’d find Lizbert, her remains, or no sign of her which would likely mean her body was buried in snow somewhere on the mountain.

With that said, Buddy turned to go. If they got out fast enough, they might even be able to leave town without Filbo noticing and trying to guilt trip them into resting for the rest of the day. Before they could do much more than open the door though…

“You know, you’re a lot like Liz.”

Pausing with their paw still on the doorknob, Buddy looked back her. “What do you mean?”

“Stubborn and passionate with a high tolerance for pain and discomfort but most of all stupid. You don’t ever pause to think about how being reckless and hurting yourself affects the people who care about you. Except you’re even worse about it than Liz ever was. Your body’s going to quit on you if you keep this up for much longer. You could die.” She’d started speaking in a calm tone but ended making exasperated gesture towards them.

“Well then, all the more reason to get those doors open as soon as possible.” Because they weren’tleaving until their story was done, they could hold on for that long at least. Speaking of opening the doors though… “You should ask Triffany for help with the stone door puzzle. She’s good at that kind of stuff.” They’d suggested going to her for help to Eggabell once before and got a vehement ‘no’ but the situation was a bit different now so…

Eggabell glared at them, doubtless mad about the change of subject but ultimately sighed – no matter what, she still cared most about finding Lizbert and that was easy to exploit. “No, I… I can figure it out myself.”

“Now who’s being stubborn?”

“I uh… you’re right. I’ll ask her. But you…” she walked up to them to poke them lightly in the chest, “need to go rest, okay? Until the stone doors are open you need to be sitting around doing as little physical actively as possible, got it?”

“Got it.”

She held her stern gaze on them for a couple seconds longer before they turned away and led the way back outside.

Buddy stood and watched as she headed for the research tent where Triffany could be seen working on something. As soon as Eggabell reached it without looking back at them, they glanced over at the freshly lit campfire. Filbo was there but he didn’t seem to have noticed Buddy coming out with Eggabell. He was distracted talking to Wambus and Chandlo. It was the perfect opportunity to slip away.

So, after sneaking over to Filbo’s hut to retrieve their pack they were headed off for the Scorched Gorge and Sizzling Sands. If they were lucky maybe they would actually find the Snaxsqautch this time and then return to learn that key to opening the doors had been found. Meaning they would be able to finish their story and finally go home and eat real food again. They could only dream.

***

Buddy slipping off unnoticed and without saying goodbye while Filbo had been distracted from waiting for them was not the least bit surprising at this point and he should’ve been on the lookout for such an attempt. But that didn’t make it any less disappointing or worrying especially after interrupting Eggabell and Triffany to ask for Eggabell’s general assessment of their condition. They should be resting and taking it easy as much as possible but instead they were off doing who knows what?

And there wasn’t a single thing Filbo could do about it. He didn’t even know where they’d gone, making going after them hard even if he’d stood much of a chance of convincing them to come back and rest – once they were out of town there was no getting them to come back until they wanted to. So he just put on a positive attitude and went on his rounds around town, a lot later than usual because he’d spent the bulk of the day climbing up and then back down Frosted Peak but whatever. He checked up on Floofty to make sure they were okay after the whole almost cutting their head off for science thing a few weeks ago. And Wambus and his garden. Gramble’s ranch and everyone else with their various things they were doing or working on. He inquired after the egg too of course. He still felt a bit weird about how it was biologically his but the relief of not having to be in charge of it and the little life within far outweighed that feeling. Besides it seemed to make those in charge of it happy and that was good to see.

The town really was starting to knit itself back together. And even if Eggabell wasn’t going to stay for much longer she was still back for now and interacting with Triffany and some of the others again. Now all they needed was Lizbert here and everything would be back to how it was before. Or actually, better because everyone was starting to get along more than even before they’d split. Some of that was centered around those caring for the egg but it was also just in general amongst everyone. It was very good to see, filling Filbo with that fuzzy warm feeling of wanting to get everyone into a group hug or something. He wasn’t going to push it though.

It was all mostly thanks to Buddy, getting everyone back and then helping with everyone’s problems. … The only downside was that they were running themself half to death while doing so and factoring into that was them having carried the egg unknowingly for months. They were really amazing and wonderful… he was worried about them. Nothing he could do about that right now though so…

Shaking that off for now he looked up at the others gathered around the campfire which was almost everyone in town except for Eggabell and Triffany. Even Floofty and Snorpy were here even if they weren’t likely to stay long, they never did. “We should have another party,” he said, drawing everyone’s gazes to him.

“Another one, really?” Beffica said though she didn’t sound quite as scornful as she used to when questioning his ideas. Progress was being made there too!

“Yeah. Almost everyone’s back now. So I was thinking we should celebrate. It’ll be fun.” And a party would be a good way to get Buddy to rest in town a little more. It could also act as an informal farewell to them since they should and would hopefully finish their story soon, allowing them to go home. Whether Filbo was going to accept their invite and go with them, he hadn’t decided yet but he had until they were actually leaving to make that decision. “So what do you guys say?”

There was a general murmur of agreement to indifference about the idea. No one was enthusiastic about it but that was fine, once the party actually started, they would all hopefully be more into it.

“If we’re going to do this party thing,” Snorpy spoke up over everyone else. “I need some time to make some uh, special party lights for uh, partying purposes.”

“This request has to do one of your ridiculous conspiracy theories, doesn’t it?” Floofty said, giving him that look that almost always led to an argument between them.

Before he could respond and make that argument a reality, Filbo spoke up cheerfully as if he hadn’t picked up on any of that tension. “We could use some cool party lights!” If doing whatever he was going to do the lights would make him feel better about attending the party than Filbo didn’t care. “So it’d be awesome if you could make some special ones for us. How long do you think that’ll take?”

Floofty rolled their eyes but didn’t say anything. Snorpy looked nervously their way for a couple seconds before looking back at Filbo – argument successfully averted, thank goodness! “A few days should do, no more than a week for sure.”

“Awesome! Let me know when you’re done and I’ll start setting everything up.” And maybe he could get Buddy to help with that too. While it wasn’t proper rest it would still be far more restful than running around after bugsnax and the Snaxsqautch had to be so it’d be worth to ask them.

[snowflake-of-destruction]

Imagine Roxas’s reaction to seeing Axel shirtless when he started getting buff for the first time

Enjoy the distraction of the evening and Roxas and Sora bonding, and be warned of language and reference to adult situations.

"Can I complain to you about Riku for a second?" Sora asked. It was perhaps not the ideal time to start a new conversation as Roxas was in the process of landing the gummi ship in a clear spot of grass in the courtyard outside the entrance to the keyblade academy at the Land of Departure, but that was how Sora was, keeping things in and then letting them explode forth at times that often seemed odd to others, but were simply the breaking point to him.

"No, I require at least ten minutes of complaining about Riku every week,"Roxas deadpanned, guiding the ship down between two others already parked. "You know the time table. Three minutes without air. Three days without food. Seven days without busting Riku's silver dusted balls."

"Gold," Sora chirped, unbuckling his restraints and going for the door.

"I'm going to regret this," Roxas sighed, half to himself as he followed suit,  "But...what?"

"Gold medal," Sora grinned. "Everything in that area is nothing less than first place." 

"Strongly disagree." Roxas screwed up his face in exaggerated disgust.

"You have no way of..." Sora complained as they started up to the castle.

"Please, can we get to the complaining?" Roxas cut him off.

"It's official even. The council of judges, me and Data Sora judging pictures saved on my gummi phone, awarded him the blue ribbon. I tied it..." 

"I will give you all the munny in my munny bag not to finish that sentence." It was pretty clear to Roxas that Sora was torturing him on purpose for crimes of his past lives. Sometimes he still hated his other.

"Then I suppose you don't want to hear about the ribbon cutting ceremony either? Or, well, it was more of a ribbon untying ceremony. I'm not usually good at tongue tricks like the cherry thing so I was kind of proud of myself that I managed to..."

The pattern of hasty interruption of an oblivious or happily malicious Sora continued. "For the love of sea salt ice cream, Sora, I'm begging you to stop before I hurl."

"What were you talking about before?" Sora blanked and grasped at straws of stray thought. "Tortillas?"

"What? Why would you think that?"

"It was taco night when I came up with the ribbon ceremony."

"You were going to tell me how much Riku was annoying you."

 The enlightened glow of remembrance entered Sora's eyes, but the spark of happiness at conquering his brain only lasted a moment before Sora was collapsing against the doors of the castle academy, playing up the drama of whining, "Riku is driving me crazy!"

"That's more like it! Tell me all about it."  Roxas was perhaps a bit overzealous in his support, judging by the look Sora shot him, so he tried a more nonchalant and less gleeful tone, "You'll feel better."

"He keeps looking at me like I'm going to disappear in front of his eyes. He's woken me up in the middle of the night to make sure I'm still breathing. He keeps tripping me up in battle because he's started diving between me and the Heartless, like all of a sudden I can't take care of myself. I know why it's happening, and I know he means well, but I'm not sure how much longer I can take it. Do you have that problem with Axel?"

Now, he and Axel had to work through some anxiety about being separated again. It had taken a lot of long talks, time, and trust exercises, to work through them, but now Roxas could help Sora with Riku's issues from the point of view of someone who had been there before and gotten out. Or he could just make a joke. "Well, I'm afraid he'll get caught in a strong wind one night and snap in half, but I'm trying to keep myself rational. I mean I can stick unwound hangers in his clothes to try and create a brace from something more substantial than his limbs, and I can put a bell on him so I don't lose track of him when he turns sideways, but after we take all the precautions we can, all I can do is tell him to be careful lifting his keyblade so it doesn't break his arm, and look at the positive. He and Jack Skellington wear the same size jacket and being able to trade clothes with  the King of Halloween is pretty cool."

"What are you talking about?"

Roxas steeled himself to be drawn into a serious talk anyway, taking a spot leaning against the doors alongside Sora and putting a hand on his shoulder, dearly hoping someone didn't open the door from the other side and send them sprawling. "Listen, I picked a ridiculous example, but the same principle applies. Take measures to keep each other safe--simple ones that don't stop you from being able to do your job-- talk about what his fears are, and then just try to find silver linings and agree to live your lives. You guys are going to be okay."

"Oh yeah, I know that,"  Sora dismissed, shaking off his hand. "I was just letting off steam. Riku's actually being really sweet. I just need to make him realize what he's doing before he finds a way to sacrifice himself again to keep me safe. What you said about Axel doesn't make sense though. He's ripped."

"He's a twig," Roxas countered with a scoff. "He's got the muscle mass of the jelly creature from Monstropolis, and looks like it the time it let me suck it into a large straw to make Boo laugh. I love him but he's a scarecrow. My stickman scarecrow, and I love him, but let's be realistic."

The light of dawning realization lit Sora's eyes once more, and Roxas found it a bit unnerving. He was definitely missing something. "...Haven't you visited Axel since he started training with Terra?"

"No, this is my first visit, to see Terra confer the master title on him." Master ceremonies had become a big thing now, a little pomp and circumstance to make it seem more important, Roxas guessed. Riku had missed out. Too bad for him. "He was on a journey of the soul as well as the body...Whatever that means. Terra didn't want me distracting him."

"That's what makes it more fun. When I went to retake my mark of mastery at Yensid's tower...Wait a second, Terra ordered you to do something and you just listened?" Sora's pursed lips and glaring eyes spoke more of tantrum throwing toddler than betrayed friend.

"He's a master," Roxas answered simply, though it wasn't respect for orders of a master that held him back. He could have been a master too, if he wanted, if he felt like he needed the validation of being recognized by the others and wanted to jump through hoops set up by Yensid or Aqua or even worse options. He had been named master of the keyblade by the Organization, that was enough. He and Axel had agreed they would help guard the worlds but they wouldn't play into the ranking game. Axel had changed his mind, and Roxas respected that, but he felt no compulsion to join him.

"You never listen when Riku tells you to do something. He's a master too."

"Master, my ass."

"No, master of my..."

"Why do you have to be like this?" Roxas groaned, sliding to the ground.

"Don't get pissy just because you haven't gotten laid in months."

"I didn't visit because Axel told me not to. We've been doing the long distance thing. We've done it before for stretches, like when he and Isa were working on their first book,"Roxas answered Sora's original question, loudly, to change the subject.

"But you've talked on the gummi phone?"

"Every night."

"With video?"

"Is this going back to a weird place you never leave?"

"I live in the gutter now!" Sora confirmed happily, before going back to neutral. "No, it's a serious question. Have you gotten a good look at Axel recently?"

"Same loveable bozo sleeping in a fuzzy zip up adult onesie that makes him look like a Meow Wow  he's always been. "

"You haven't seen him out of the onesie?" At Roxas's exasperated look, Sora defended himself once more. "Legitimate question."

"Some nights I don't even see him take down the hood. He has a voice for Meowaxel."

"And you were griping about the ribbon ceremony. Your sex story is much weirder."

"We don't have phone sex," Roxas's pining despair outweighed his distaste for discussing this kind of thing with Sora who was a dog that never let go of a bone without making a joke about boning. "We have an agreement. He almost crashed a gummi ship once."

"You...while he was driving?" Sora looked impressed and Roxas felt a rare flash of shame.

"New idea?" He pushed through and said the words as if they were a crack of his own.

"Great idea!" Sora's face split into a wide grin and Roxas apologized to Riku internally, the only way he ever did so. Sora grabbed his former Nobody's arm and dragged him to his feet. "Come on. We're going to spy on Axel sparring with Terra. They have a routine. Terra wouldn't deviate from it even knowing people are arriving for the ceremony tonight."

"I am always down to see my baby light someone on fire," Roxas followed Sora down the hill, pliable and, frankly, excited to see Axel as soon as possible.

"Baby? Blech." Sora pulled a face that lasted maybe half a second and rang false while it did, thrilled and supportive as always to see Roxas showing a soft spot, but attempting to play some of Roxas's own attitude back at him.

"Your pet names for Riku are worse...and you should not prove it by listing them." Roxas tacked on the latter part hastily, leaving no room for Sora to start his reign of terror anew.

" There are several riffs on Dream Eater that would make you wish you were as smart as me," Sora huffed, "But that's not what we're here for." He held Roxas back for a second with a thrown out arm, and glanced around the last bend in the hill. Roxas could hear sounds of exertion. Satisfied with what he saw, Sora withdrew the restraining arm in favor of waving his hands like a cheap magician as he ordered Roxas to, "Feast your eyes!"

Roxas ignored Sora's theatrics and stepped around him, only to stop short when he ended up following the other man's order despite himself. His eyes were feasting and there was an entire buffet in the form of Axel, stripped to the waist and hair up in a messy bun with damp loose tendrils stuck to the back of his neck, twisting away to avoid a strike by Terra (in his weird black spandex shirt like always, showing off for who the hell knew or cared) and using the momentum to whirl the rest of the circle and carry out his own blow, the flex and spring back of newly defined muscles Roxas had missed the development of covered by freckled skin that didn't quite make the definition of tan but had been cultivated into a tone more golden than ghost pale translucent on display. The first dish was broad shoulders that had always  been there, but no longer existed just to make clothes hang smoothly like they did on a clothes hanger now that they were attached to the freshly carved meat station--arms that bulged and Roxas was going to declare illegal to ever hide under bunched neon fleece or a thick black coat again. He'd call Axel's new abs the salad bar because he wanted to charge like a bull and then start grazing, but they could also be the drink station because there was definitely a six pack there much more appealing than the beer Hayner had developed a fondness for, and Roxas was remarkably thirsty looking at them. Axel's waist was still comparatively small (Dorito. Delicious. More buffets should include snack food on the side. Jokes weren't over. The man was a snack.) but then there was perhaps the most shocking addition of all had popped into existence below it.

"Bite the buns and have a popsicles for dessert," Roxas whispered under his breath, awed, unable to even be embarrassed by half consciously daydreaming out loud because his eyes had continued their journey and found out there was now meat on the stork (too long to be chicken) drumsticks Axel walked around on.

"Think he's safe from the wind now?" Sora taunted.

"Time for you to leave." Roxas shook himself out of his daze to return fully to the present.

"What?"

"Run up to the castle," Roxas gave the same order in new phrasing as he walked on ahead and waved to Terra, yelling, "Time to leave."

The scene that ensued was bordering on comical as Terra froze, caught off guard and was smacked full in the face with head turning force by the flat of Axel's keyblade, an act that was accompanied by an apologetic, "Oh shit!" and widened eyes that spoke to Axel trying to cut his actions short but being unable to stop the blow, just lessen it. Terra stumbled and Axel reached out to steady him, but then appeared to change his mind or become irrevocably distracted halfway through as Roxas's presence sank in fully. His keyblade disappeared in a shower of sparks, Terra fell, and the lovers ran to be reunited. 

Roxas found himself lifted off the ground like he weighed nothing and his soul left his body, leaving him not responsible for the happily sighed word that he used to greet Axel, "Arms."

[alizabear]

A Letter to My Family

I hate writing this stuff cause I don't know how to truly formulate this idea without coming across...cliche, cheesy, preachy, or not very knowledgeable. I guess it may be just a confidence thing, who knows. Anyways, here we go.

This semester has been one of the most challenging in my academic career. Honestly, I am neglecting my homework to write this. But, with the hustle and bustle of school, work and having a relationship, and then trying to sliver out some sort of free time in all that can be a lot, especially going into the holidays. Hey, don't get me wrong, despite all the stress I am very grateful for the stuff that keeps me busy. Not everyone has a job or gets an education. 

But as I approach the holidays, and as I ignore my homework, I began to think about family. Ya know, I think it is easy to do one of two things (or both) with family.

One, you kind of just neglect what they mean, cause hey, they'll always be there for you (the one's that are, I don't know everyone's family situation).

And two, you are their number one fan. I swear, my parents are THE best.

Looking at the holidays as what I consider myself now as a full fledged "adult" purely based on my age (26), and not entirely based on how I feel inside (though I do feel tired all the time, so that partially qualifies me too, right?), I want to key in on my family.

Oh family, oh holidays, all those warm, fuzzy feelings right?

But with Thanksgiving knocking on our door let me be thankful for my perfectly imperfect family.

Ya know, no family is perfect for the obvious, "humans aren't perfect" ordeal. But man, I got to say, my family is pretty chill, pretty stable if I do say so myself. No real issues that I have ever personally had to address, though, to their credit I am pretty much the baby of the family, so who knows what I have been shielded from. But I have witnessed families be torn apart, kids grow without a parent or grow up in an abusive situation. Some kids had to deal with addiction issues. Some families are known for getting together and just arguing each time they are together. For the most part, not us. 

I am a child of divorce. I got to say, probably the worst thing my parents "did to me." Though it was not an action taken directly towards me. Oh sure, my parents have made mistakes or argued with me where we have gotten really angry with each other. I used to get so mad at my mom when I was a real young kid I would leave her angry letters in our mail box for her to find. Though I usually wrote her many more love letters instead. I definitely still butt heads with my dad, which I chalk up to generational, personality differences, but I think he's the wisest person ever so it's fine. 

I think with whatever mistakes my parents did make, and whatever effect the divorce had on me, it just is simply not on my horizon anymore.

Let's get really real for a hot second. Not long after my parents decided to divorce my depression in middle school went into its full effect - I began to hurt myself and things got really dark for some time. And I've grown with my depression and my anxiety and realized that, that would have occurred no matter what and I don't blame my parents for it for a second. Though I am sure depression brain at the time was angry with the entire world, though mostly myself. I mean, I remember I wrote and sent a card to my Aunt saying I would love to live with them because their home ALWAYS made me happy and it would be easier than dealing with what's going on at home. But things got better in time.

Well, long, confusing story short, I have learned to deal with my mental health and give it up to God. It is certainly a struggle (though drastically different from childhood, no harming for me friends) but I think the most important part of it all is that I did not let my depression and the anger that came with it stick to my relationship with my parents.

I think it would have been easy to put all the blame on them and not take responsibility for myself. I think it would have been easy to make them the scapegoat, despite their problems only being a small sliver of my internal issues. I think I could have resented them for not doing x, y, and z different. But I've always been fortunate that God granted me maturity at a younger age and made me realize, that one, forgiveness is great, two, they are not to blame, and three, you only get one set of parents. 

I am lucky my situation was never worse. I was never abused or forgotten. And that's not to suggest people can't be angry or upset, even if it can be worse, but I decided for myself that life is too short to make the world your enemy, especially the people who have sacrificed for me beyond my comprehension.

As I have grown up, and now in my mid-ish twenties...my parents are like my greatest prize, and my best friends. I am so grateful that even after a divorce, my parents are still kind to each other, can rely on each other, and that we can all spend time together, even outside of holidays. We have always stayed a family, even a broken one. 

My favorite time of year is around the holidays though, and it is for the easy, cheesy reason of the fact that I get to spend a dedicated time celebrating with my family. Those traditions have moved around and shifted. Some people have left, some people are no longer with us at all, and some of us have simply grown up.

My greatest fear is that someday I will have to face losing all of this. If that fear alone is not enough to make someone forgive...dang. 

Anyways...

Thank you Mom and Dad for being the perfectly imperfect parents God blessed me with. The road has never been smooth, but that's life. But I have never seen you guys waiver in your love for me. I think it's easy to forget the toll life, the divorce, our actions as your children even may have taken on you. As children I think we sometimes forget to acknowledge that. But know that I amazed that not only were you strong in withstanding that (even if you ever felt weak) but that you did it while raising us, you did it all while loving and giving to us, you did it while still making mistakes and failing as humans, but I love you immensely all for it. I acknowledge you both and I thank the Lord that I get such giving and generous people - who cares about the bad stuff from the past anymore anyways?

I would like to also say, that the other portions of my family have helped me feel loved and help me grow too. They helped me, whether they realize it or not, in those dark times, simply for their generous, loving hearts.

Let's quickly pivot on over to my Aunt and Uncle for a quick second. I grew up visiting them several times a year, and always loving going to Fresno to see them (I love all of my other family too, so very much, but these two are like another set of parents for me). And as I have grown as into being an adult, my love and adoration for them has only increased. I didn't live there 24/7, but in what I know and what I felt, they are people of the Lord. They are some of the most thoughtful and generous and wise and obedient people you can find. Their hearts inspire me so much. Again, very perfectly imperfect and I thank God for you all being there for me.

I hope when I become a wife and a parent I can become some rad combination of them and my parents. Like a super spouse/parent.

I don't know guys. I don't know where I am going with a lot of this other than to say...I go on the internet and story after story is someone losing a loved one. And I just can't imagine that pain.

I think life is too short to not celebrate people. 

I am already anxious about what I've written cause I really wanted to give some back story but now I am scared it is outweighing the nice stuff? I just kinda want to write every single reason why I love all these people - but maybe I can love on them and remind them in other ways too. 

I don't know who is going through what out there, and my experiences and feelings may not match yours - but whoever it may be, treasure the people you love. Deeply love them, thank them, forgive them too if you haven't (remember, not forgiving is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die). But look around you and be stupidly grateful.

More and more I feel like I am going around feeling like... thank  you Lord that I have this person. Thank you Lord that they gave so much that I don't even realize. Thank you Lord that they are imperfect humans, who had to deal with a lot while also dealing with me. Thank you Lord for their love or their friendship or whatever it may be. Help me to be more loving and thankful and forgiving and honest with my emotions and responsible with them and generous with my love just as you are Lord. And I still do not think I am doing it remotely enough. So maybe this is a good first step?

I leave you with this.

Ephesians 4:32 "Be kind to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."