#but also we are literally fleeing a red state sooooo
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swordsandholly · 20 days ago
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I’m moving to Minnesota in January and it’s got me thinking about southern/heat adjusted reader absolutely freezing their ass off with Soap in the highlands.
He begs you to go with him because you really should see it. It’s absolutely magical in the winter. It’s not even the coldest time of the year yet, bonnie! You’ll be fine!
You are not fine.
Every time you step outside your teeth immediately start chattering. You now know what books mean when they say “bone deep cold.” You swear you’re rattling from the inside like a maraca.
Of course, Johnny’s main method of getting you warmed up is bouncing you on his cock in front of the fireplace. He insists it’s the best for both of you. You’re starting to think that was the entire plan all along - the entire reason for bringing you somewhere intolerably cold - that is, when he gives you time to think before diving between your legs again.
It’s okay, though. You get revenge by pressing your icy feet to Soap’s calves in bed and listening to him grumble.
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mythologyfolklore · 4 years ago
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Ares and Athena through the years - Ch. 11
Chapter Eleven: The Trojan War, pt. 03
(A/N: The end of the Iliad with some comic relief and lots of heartbreak at the end, because that's how the Iliad works. This isn't the last chapter about the Trojan War, but the next one will be. This is just the last part of the Iliad.)
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Book Nineteen:
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The next morning saw Thetis giving her son a freshly forged armour of such splendour, that Akhilleus was the only one who could even look at it directly.
As he marched the camp up and down, the other leaders came to the assembly, even though Agamemnon, Diomedes and Odysseus were severely injured and could hardly walk.
Akhilleus announced the end of his strike, much to the delight of the Achaean army.
He and Agamemnon finally talked things out and buried their old grudges.
“Right!”, Akhilleus exclaimed, “Enough talking! Let's go into battle already!”
“Not so fast!”, Odysseus (the resident braincell-owner) objected. “Our troops are exhausted  and many of us are wounded. We need all the energy we can get. So there is one more thing we have to do first!”
“And what would that be?”, Akhilleus snarled impatiently.
“Have breakfast”, Odysseus deadpanned.
“OH COME ON!!!”
“No.”
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Book Twenty:
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On Olympos Zeus had made his ex-wife Thémis gather all the gods (literally all of them – even the Naiades and Dryades¹). Tiredly they dragged themselves out of bed and into the assembly hall.
Poseidon was the first to speak.
“Sooooo”, he drawled, “What are you plotting now, Astrapaios²?”
Zeus was lounging on his throne like a boss.
“Oh, you know what I want, Ennosigaios³! I won't wish for Akhilleus to conquer the city just yet, but he will, if we're not careful. And this is why I hereby decree, that the prohibition is lifted! You may interfere with the battle as much as you please!”
Suddenly everyone was wide awake and those who had taken a side in the war went to ready themselves for a battle royal – uh, I mean battle divine.
Of the Olympians, Dionysos (one of the few gods who had refused to get involved at all) was the last to leave the room. He used the opportunity to question his father.
“Dad, if you don't mind …”
“Ask away!”
“Why exactly did you change your mind again?”
Zeus chuckled at his son's perceptiveness.
“For the reason I stated earlier of course. Well, that and because I want to amuse myself by sitting here in my neutrality and watching this divine spectacle.”
“… Can I sit with you?”
“Sure, my son! Bring wine, this is going to be good!”
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The gods joined the war and wasted no time in making things more interesting … for them!
Eris was having a blast with this spectacle.
Zeus was setting the mood above with thunder and rain.
Poseidon struck the ground with his trident and the queen of earthquakes happened.
“WHAT THE FUCK???”, he heard Hades' voice shriek from below, “POSEIDON, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??? IF THE GROUND BREAKS OPEN AND FALLS DOWN IT WILL REVEAL THE UNDERWORLD AND BURY EVERYTHING BENEATH!!!”
Poseidon laughed sheepishly and yelled back down: “SORRY, BRO!”
Maybe I overdid it with that earthquake …
Some distance away, Apollon had convinced Aineías, that fighting Akhilleus would be a brilliant idea.
Poseidon didn't notice until Hera pat his shoulder and said to him and Athena: “Uh, we have a little problem back there” - and pointed to where Aineías and Akhilleus were about to duke it out.
“Don't worry, sister”, he replied, “We're stronger than them. If any of Troy's gods comes close to Akhilleus, that's nothing we can't take care of.”
Still, the gods of the Achaeans didn't want to engage in a bloodbath, before agreeing on a strategy.
On the battlefield, Aineías and Akhilleus ran into each other and started with a verbal duel, before lunging at each other. Poseidon quickly assessed, that the son of Thetis was outclassing the son of Aphrodite.
“Alright, here I come!”, he sighed, “Apollon won't save him, but the youngster is fated to live.”
Then he threw himself into the maddening throng and momentarily blinded Akhilleus, before he could decapitate the disarmed Trojan. Grabbing the mortal by the arms, Poseidon took to flight and carried him away to safety.
“Okay!”, he snapped at him, once they were back on the ground, “First off: Are you fucking insane?! Trying to take on Akhilleus, who is favoured by the gods and far stronger than you? He will send you to Hades, before your time is up! Secondly: as long as he is alive, you stay away from battle, you dumbass son of an even more dumbass goddess!”
With that, the Lord of the Sea left Aineías behind to wonder what the heck had just happened.
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Akhilleus on the other hand just shrugged it off and went back to slaughtering Trojans en masse.
Apollon had warned Hektor not to go against the deranged demigod, but when the Trojan prince saw one of his brothers get killed by that very man, he forgot the warning and attacked him.
Akhilleus immediately recognised the slayer of his dear soulmate and charged with a battle cry.
But Apollon, always having the best timing, stepped in and saved the Trojan.
Again.
This is getting old.
.
Book Twenty-One:
.
The Trojans were fleeing in panic from the deranged and bloodthirsty demigod.
But Hera conjured a thick fog, making it impossible for them to see.
Those who didn't get lost in the fog where cornered and driven into the holy waters of the river Xanthos (or Skamandros, as the mortals called him). They jumped or fell into the quick waters, struggling and screaming for help. Akhilleus in his blood rush jumped after them and slaughtered the Trojans, who were already drowning, dyeing the waters red with blood.
That pissed off the river god, because no one liked having their waters defiled with gore and corpses. Politely requesting Akhilleus to stop dumping corpses into his river didn't help, so Xanthos lost his temper and promptly left his riverbed to make the demigod stop.
Only when this colossal mass of water rose before him, was Akhilleus seized by fear and he made a run for it across the field. But the river always caught up to him, because he was still just a demigod and Xanthos a full god and gods just were stronger than mortals (unless you were Herakles).
Athena and Poseidon came to his rescue, before he could die a most unheroic death by drowning. They warned him to go back to the battlefield, kill Hektor and return to the Achaean camp, then they left to mind their own business.
But the river wasn't done yet; it joined forces with another river, both hell-bent on drowning Akhilleus.
This was seen by Hera, who turned to Hephaistos. “My son, I thought you would take care of the river god? What are you waiting for? Show him your destructive flames. I will release the winds to fuel them. Do not stop, until I ask you to.”
Hephaistos, powerful fire god that he was, raised his arms and unleashed his divine fire above the river (never mind, that it was still raining). Hera released the north and south wind.
The unearthly fire storm, hotter than the surface of the sun⁴, spread across the heath, consumed the bodies of the dead and made the rivers writhe in agony from being boiled alive.
Xanthos soon begged for mercy, but Hephaistos was only following his mother's orders, so the river turned to Hera and begged her to control her son.
Now the Queen of the Skies finally showed the mercy asked of her and told her son to stop.
Hephaistos rolled his eyes, but called his fire back.
Xanthos returned to his river bed, recovered from the torment and he stuck his head out of the water to glare at the fire god. “And here I thought you were not an arsehole!”
The divine blacksmith laughed: “Oh, you're wrong! I'm less of an arsehole than the other Olympians, but I still can be a prick!”
Hera chuckled in amusement.
.
On his throne on Olympos, Zeus was having the time of his life, because now the gods were charging at each other at last.
“Ohhh, now they're getting started! This is going to be priceless! Where are the wine, cookies and my camera?”
Hebe and Dionysos brought him both and then sat with him to enjoy the show.
.
In the meantime, Athena had finally turned to Ares.
“'Sup, arsehole”, she greeted him.
“'Sup, fellow arsehole”, he retorted. Then he had his sword out. “Don't think I have forgot how you let that fucker Diomedes pierce with a spear! Now it's time for payback!”
I thought he already had- oh, never mind.
He attacked first and they duked it out for a while, before he threw his spear at the impenetrable Aigis she was wearing on her chest. Athena leapt back, grabbed a stone and hit her opponent at the back of his neck with it.
Knocked out, he collapsed.
“Hah!”, she yelled in triumph. “I'm the one who gets the payback! That's for abandoning your mother and me in favour of supporting the Trojans! Well, that and the fucking prohibition you put into our father's head. What's that with you always forgetting what everyone has realised a long time ago: that I am stronger than you and always will be!”
“Ares!”
Athena whirled around to see the goddess of love running to her lover's aid.
Aphrodite grabbed Ares' arm and began to drag him to safety.
“Are you just letting her do that?”, Hera spat at Athena.
The goddess of wisdom rolled her eyes. “Alright, I'm on it!”
Strode up to Aphrodite, who was struggling under Ares' weight and hit her on the chest, knocking her out as well. There they lay, with the bright-eyed goddess standing above them.
“This is what happens to the allies of Troy and everyone who gets in my way!”, she snarled.
Aphrodite came to herself and glared up. “You're full of shit, Athena.”
The war goddess shrugged. “Look around, Aphrodite. Everyone here is full of shit. Especially you.”
.
At the same time, Poseidon was facing Apollon.
The sea god taunted his nephew: “What is stopping you, Sunny Boy, now that the others are at each other's throats?”
Apollon sighed: “Can you please not call me 'Sunny Boy'? That's Ares' shtick. Also-”
“Whatever, Sunny Boy. Where is the fun in going home without a single scratch? Let's duke it out! But first tell me: why are you supporting the Trojans? Don't you remember how they treated us? When Zeus stripped us of our immortality for a year, we had to serve Laomedon for a pittance! I built this mighty wall around Troy, while you herded his cattle. And when the year was finally over, he denied us pay and threatened to bind us, cut our ears off and sell us off as slaves! And you're helping the Trojans, after all of this? Explain!”
But Apollon remained calm.
“Does it really matter? Let's leave the mortals to their devices. I don't want to fight you over them, uncle. You're way out of my league, it would be madness.”
But Artemis grabbed him by the shoulder, outraged. “So you're chickening out?! You just give up and let him win?! If so, then don't ever let us hear you brag, that you could take on Poseidon!”
But Apollon just arched an eyebrow. “I'm not 'chickening out'. I just know, when to quit – unlike someone I know.”
As if on cue, Hera confronted Artemis: “You little brat! If you have the spine to make me or Poseidon your enemy, you're dumber than I thought! I will show you, just how outclassed you really are!”
Then she seized the goddess of the hunt by both wrists with one hand, tore her quiver and arrows off her shoulder with the other and smacked the shit out of her with it. When Hera was done with her, Artemis was running back to Olympos crying, leaving her bow and arrows on the battlefield.
Hermes saw this and let his opponent Leto take the win. The Titanis of motherhood gratefully gathered up the weapons of her daughter from the floor and returned to Olympos to console her.
Apollon blinked after them. “What the Tartaros did just happen?”
Poseidon laughed heartily: “Just because my sister is the goddess of marriage doesn't mean she can't kick arse! Or where do you think Ares got his temper from?”
The Earthshaker looked to the sky and knew that Zeus was shaking with laughter.
.
On the battlefield Akhilleus was still massacring Trojans left and right.
The king Priamos saw this from the top of the wall and ordered for the gates to be opened, so his people could save themselves.
Apollon came onto the field through the gates and held his hand over them, while they scrambled to the sweet safety of their city. He took the shape of a Trojan Akhilleus had been about to kill and allowed to chase him across the field, away from the gates of Troy. That bought the Trojans the time they needed to escape the wrath of Thetis' son.
All of them, except for Hektor; he didn't make it in time, before the gates closed.
The greatest warrior of the Trojans was shut outside.
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Book Twenty-Two:
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Apollon led Akhilleus away from Troy, before finally turning around.
“Hey, arsehole! Guess who!” And dropped his disguise.
Then he proceeded to mock the raging demigod, who was out of breath after chasing him for kilometres: “While you ran after me like a moron, thinking that you stand a chance against me, the Trojans have barricaded themselves inside their city! They are out of your reach and you will never defeat me, Apollon!”
“You … you deceived me!”, Akhilleus gasped, “So is … the most lethal of the gods … the protector of Troy … otherwise I would have killed them all! But damn you! If it was in my power, I would give you payback!”
Apollon gritted his teeth: “But you can't, mortal.”
Akhilleus screamed in fury and dashed back to Troy with swift feet.
Hektor was waiting in front of the walls of Troy to challenge vengeful Akhilleus and face his imminent demise.
On top of the walls, his aged father was weeping over the cruelty of fate: that he would have to see his sons and many of his people die, his city sacked, his daughters ravaged, his grandchildren and himself murdered, his daughters-in-law sold into slavery.
But no matter how much Priamos beseeched him, Hektor didn't yield and stayed where he was, even though he was terrified. Yet as soon as he saw Akhilleus clearly, bloodthirsty and deranged like Ares himself, his flight instinct kicked in and he ran for his life. Only Apollon's assistance prevented the son of Thetis from catching up to Hektor.
.
While Akhilleus chased the slayer of Patroklos around the city walls three times in a row, the gods were watching from above.
Zeus shook his head. “I don't like seeing him being chased around his own city like that. And it's really a shame, that he should die already. He always honoured us gods beyond measure. Should I save this noble man or-”
“No!”, Athena protested at once, “His time is up, he must die! We can't randomly spare mortals, just because we favour them. Do whatever you want, but none of us will approve.”
“… Do what you must, but do it quickly.”
On Olympos, in the Room of Fate, the Scales of Fate weighed the lot of Hektor against Akhilleus.
That of Hektor sank, that of Akhilleus rose up.
.
Apollon, as the god of prophecy, sensed the shift and reluctantly left Hektor to face his doom.
Athena on the other hand joined the angry Akhilleus.
“Today the Achaeans will gain a most glorious victory! We shall slay Hektor! He is destined to die by our hands and not even Apollon's pleas to Zeus will save him now. Now hold up and catch your breath, while I persuade him to face you in battle.”
She caught up to Hektor in the shape of one of his brothers and did exactly that.
So the Trojan prince whirled around to face the son of Peleus.
They had a short dispute. Hektor entreated his opponent to agree, that the loser be returned to his people to receive a proper burial.
But Akhilleus refused: “FUCK YOUR PROPOSAL! YOU WILL PAY FOR THE DEATH OF PATROKLOS AND ALL OF MY FRIENDS WHOM YOU KILLED!!!”
“OH SHUT UP, ARSEHOLE! YOU AND YOUR COMRADES KILLED MOST OF MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS TOO! AND ONCE YOU TAKE OVER OUR CITY, YOU WILL RAVAGE IT, MASSACRE THE CIVILIANS, VIOLATE AND ENSLAVE OUR WOMEN AND KILL OUR CHILDREN!!! I AM DOING WHATEVER I CAN TO PROTECT THEM!!! YOU DON'T GET TO JUDGE ME!!!”, Hektor roared in outrage.⁵
Then they threw their spears at each other.
Hektor dodged that of Akhilleus, but his own weapon flew far off, guided by Athena's hand. When he turned to whom he had thought to be his dear brother to ask for a new spear, but found him gone.
The Trojan prince realised, that he had been tricked by Athena and that the gods had decided his doom a long time ago.
“Well, fuck this shit”, he muttered, pulled his sword to face his last battle.
Their fight was short and brutal.
At long last, Akhilleus managed to stab him in the throat.
But he had narrowly missed the windpipe and so Hektor was able to rattle a few last words.
“If you have … an ounce of honour … return my corpse … to my parents … so I can be buried.”
“No.”
“Thought as much … but know this … you're – ugh! – angering the gods … you will die … by Apollon's and Paris' arrows …”
Then the greatest defender of Troy died.
For a while Akhilleus stood silently above him.
Then he finally replied to the dead man: “I know. And I don't care.”
And proceeded to outrage his vanquished enemy's corpse by tying it to his chariot and dragging it around his city several times.
While on the walls above, his grieving parents, his sorrow-stricken wife Andromákhe and the people of Troy were weeping to the Heavens.
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Book Twenty-Three:
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Akhilleus held funeral games for Patroklos and, after much more mourning, finally delivered him to the pyre.
Hektor's dishonoured corpse on the other hand he left to the dogs.
The dogs that would not go near it; the presence of the goddess Aphrodite, who guarded it night and day, kept them away. She and Apollon preserved his corpse, so that neither the scorching sun, nor being hauled around by Akhilleus could damage it.
The burned remains of Patroklos were put to rest in a golden urn – one that his ghost had asked Akhilleus to put them in and mix them with his own, once the son of Thetis would die.
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Book Twenty-Four:
.
All the while Apollon had protected Hektor's corpse from being mutilated, while Akhilleus didn't stop treating it like that of a common criminal.
Day after day he and the other gods who were supporting Troy begged Zeus to send Hermes to steal away the body. And every time Poseidon, Hera and Athena had been against it, unyielding in their old grudges.
After a week, the god of light finally had enough.
“How much longer”, he confronted the other gods, “do you want to allow Akhilleus to abuse the body of Hektor in such a foul manner?! Does none of you have a heart?! Has he ever failed to give you the best possible sacrifices?! Instead of returned his body to his people to receive the funeral he deserves, you choose being butt-hurt about the stupidity of that wuss Paris and that's why you help that sociopath Akhilleus, who doesn't have an ounce of propriety, shame or even respect in his chest! Many others are mourning their loved ones and he acts like he's the only one! As honourable as his parents are, they failed to raise a decent human being!“
Hera jumped up and pointed a finger at him: “Stop going on about Hektor, like he has ever been Akhilleus' equal! One was only a full mortal, while the other is the son of Thetis, whom I raised and married to Peleus, who we all were fond of!”
“That doesn't change the fact, that Akhilleus is a fucking arsehole!”, Apollon snapped.
“Or that he wouldn't know honour, if it spat in his face!”, Artemis agreed.
“Or that he's a whiny mother's boy”, Ares added.
Hera flushed with rage. “How dare you!”, she exclaimed, “All of you have been at the wedding of his parents! You ate, drank, danced and made music-”
“So?”, Ares said coldly, “Akhilleus is not his parents. We are not obliged to him, nor to Thetis and Peleus and definitely not to you. Hektor respected us gods and other humans more than he does.”
Hera's eyes narrowed. “That's it! I will-”
“ENOUGH!!!”, Zeus thundered and everyone fell silent.
Angrily he turned to Hera: “I've had enough of your attitude! No one here is putting Hektor and Akhilleus on the same level! And all things considered, Hektor was beloved by us. He always knew what kind of sacrifices I and all of you wished for, never failed to honour us and only gave us the best of the best. Still, stealing the body is not an option either. Bring me Thetis. She shall persuade her son to give Hektor's body up to his father.”
After Thetis had been welcomed by the gods, Zeus cut to the chase: “Let your son know, that we're angered by his behaviour. He is to return the body of Hektor to the Trojans for ransom – this is my will. He knows what happens to mortals, who do not follow it.”
Thetis nodded and returned to her son to inform him of Zeus' decree.
.
Later that evening Iris descended to the earth again, this time to tell Priamos, that Zeus was doing him one last favour: the returning of his son's body.
So Priamos packed rich gifts as ransom and went, but not before making a sacrifice of Zeus and venting his bitterness about how the cruelty of Ares had robbed and would keep robbing him of his loved ones.
As Zeus saw the elderly man and his aged herald cross the bloodstained plain in the darkness, he was overcome by pity. He waved Hermes over and fondly ruffled the messenger's hair.
The second youngest Olympian endured it, as always.
“My beloved son, who holds mankind dearest, guides them and listens to them. Go and escort Priamos to the Achaean ships, but make sure that no one sees him, before he stands in front of the son of Peleus.”
Hermes put on his winged sandals and staff and landed on the coast near the ships in the guise of a young soldier from Akhilleus' troops. With his staff, he lulled the Achaeans to sleep, before going to find Priamos.
As he came into the king's field of view, he could tell that the old man was frightened.
But Hermes gently took the old man's hands and asked kindly: “Who are you, sir? What are you and your companion there doing out here in the middle of the night and with so much treasure? Don't you know how dangerous that is?”
“You're right, young man”, Priamos replied, “But one god must have at least some mercy with me. It must be a good omen, that we meet you here; I can see your wisdom as well as your beauty – you must have blessed parents.”
That I do, Hermes thought fondly, but kept his focus.
“That's true. But do answer my question. Are you trying to hide them, or are you all fleeing your city in panic, because you lost your best fighter – your son Hektor, the greatest of your warriors?”
Priamos tilted his head. “How do you know about my son? Who are you?”
“One of the soldiers of Akhilleus”, Hermes fibbed, “I often saw your son on the field of glory, even when we weren't allowed to fight, because our lord wouldn't let us.”
“Really!”, the king cried hopefully, “Tell me, what happened to my son's body? Is it still intact at the ships? Akhilleus didn't … he didn't … did he …?”
“It's still intact”, the Messenger soothed him. “Nothing of the outrage it suffered by Akhilleus could damage it – if it wasn't for the wounds, one could think he's sleeping! The gods care for him even in death.”
He couldn't help but feel horrible for the sorrow-stricken old man, who nearly burst into tears at these news and who really deserved better than all this woe.
Deciding to make it quick, before the mortal's suffering could get to him, Hermes guided Priamos to Akhilleus' tent.
Once there, he revealed himself: “Now I can tell you, that I am the god Hermes. My father sent me to guide and protect you. I must stay outside, because I don't want the trouble of being seen. But listen to me: when you go in there, clasp the knees of Peleus' son and beseech him in the name of his own dear parents, if you want him to hear you.”
.
Akhilleus gaped in amazement, as none other than Priamos came before him.
The long-suffering king of Troy fell onto his knees in front of his greatest enemy, clasping the knees and kissing the hands of the man, who had slain his children.
After reminding him of his father Peleus, who was waiting for his son to come home, Priamos ended his plea: “Fifty sons I had, before you Achaeans came and I got to keep none of them! Most were felled by cruel Ares. And the one son I could count on, the defender of my city and its inhabitants – oh Hektor, my child! – fell by your hand. I'm here to ransom him with rich gifts. Respect the gods and think of your father. Even more than him I have a right to your mercy, because I did what no other father in the world could ever bring himself to do: I kissed the hand of the man who murdered my son.”
The sight of this old man's infinite grief and the memory of his own father, who too would never see him again, did something to Akhilleus.
There was no more wrath in him, only sadness and grief.
That and something new.
Something he had never felt before: Compassion.
.
Hektor's body was ransomed and returned to his people.
Even on Olympos the gods could hear the crying of the Trojans for their prince.
The people, who mourned their greatest hero.
His parents, who lost their dearest son.
His remaining siblings, who lost the brother they had looked up to.
His widow, who hadn't been able to be at her husband's side, while he was dying.
Helena, who had been taken here against her will and was now mourning the only man besides Priamos, who had treated her with kindness, the only friend she'd had here.
The Trojans keened and bewailed Hektor for ten days.
On the eleventh day he was brought to the pyre.
The smoke rose high and with it carried prayers and weeping.
.
---
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1) Naiades: river nymphs; Dryades: tree nymphs.
2) Astrapaios: "Lord of Lightning", one of Zeus' epithets.
3) Ennosigaios: "Shaker of the Earth", one of Poseidon's epithets.
4) The surface of the sun is appr. 5000°C hot.
5) In the Iliad Hektor doesn't actually respond to Akhilleus' refusal like that, but I thought that this was important to point out.
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