#but also thats crazy to be reminded im playing a video game through a video game character

[aria0fgold]

I thiiink I processed a bit of my thoughts bout OFF but like, my mind was blown so there isn't much in it. One thing bout it though is that I really love the music in this game, like I be jamming to the battle music it sound so cool and catchy and it's actually stuck in my head. I also love the puzzles in the game, it's not too hard and it's also so nice to do! (I say that but I brute forced at least 2 puzzles. The puzzles right before Zone 1 and Zone 2's bosses... Trial and error even though the key to the puzzle was Right in the area but lazy in I don't wanna go back to look).

Also I love how, even if the game doesn't seem like much, it was hella enjoyable for me, must be cuz of the music. Like, I'd walk around so much finding a bunch of stuff and then battles happen with some banger music and it honestly felt like I just played that game for like a hour even though it was way more than that. Like, I really really enjoyed it.

For the story of the game... I have no idea what story is supposed to be there. But throughout it, whenever the Batter purifies a zone I start doubting if it's the right thing cuz everything looks so... lifeless... Like yeah sure, the spectres are also pretty bad and killing the poor Elsens, also doesn't help how Dedan makes the poor guys so stressed too but I was thinking if there was at least another way than just purifying everything but I'm stuck with the Batter. By the end the Judge saying that I'm the puppeteer but honestly I felt like more of the puppet for some reason.

I'm stuck with the Batter my guy, I won't proceed at all unless I do things that aligns with the Batter's mission. And in either endings, it's all bad in a way that, what's done is done. Choosing the Judge doesn't reverse anything, the world is completely lifeless and "purified," so in the end it's better to just keep being with the Batter and finish what we started. Which is pretty cool cuz I kept wondering Why was the game called OFF and then seeing the Batter ending and I'm like: OOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH (it was the first thing that blew my mind).

Like, I feel like this game's story got A Lot of stuff for me to know (Time to read through what everyone's theories are. I'm not really good with those so I always enjoy reading everyone else's). Like, the thing that I kiiinda get is that there's a lonely child who doesn't like his dad and prefers his mom but the mom doesn't even visit him much. He made 3 friends which he turned into guardians of the zones, and a mom regarded as the Queen. And then there's Batter which I feel like was based off of Boxxer in that comic that the kid was given to by his dad. And like, gestures vaguely, yeah, it's neat :D (my train of thought broke I don't remember what I was going with that).

[girlbowser]

sorry for taking so long to get back to you (im the "wowzers" anon) but yes! i can totally scream your ear off about this!

you talking about the routes in this game being a metaphor for college and purposes in life reminds me of what playing pqr has meant for me personally. i first found this game when jade's route was still being worked on (the "anticlimatic" update specifically) and its really so strange to see how much of my life has changed. a couple days after i started playing pqr i realized that i was going to have to move and it basically uprooted my life (realization not brought on by pqr just happened to be at around the same time). most of my plans for how i wanted to spend my life, seeing my friends, my career paths, kinda felt like they got eviscerated because of stuff out of my control. but i just like. ignored it and didnt really think about it :) at least until the move happened and it all came crashing down. im sorta better now, but still going through it. and. just seeing jade talk to kanaya and talk about not knowing where to go next or who exactly you are now plus the jade theme music playing in the background that i had listened to constantly while playing, replaying, and rereplaying jade's route. actually made me want to bawl my eyes out (in like a good way though lol). this game is so special to me. its been one of the main things in my life right now thats been keeping me going through it all. i love to go back to it and replay it comparing the older routes to the newer routes and see what references i missed. everytime i play it, it feels like a find something new. and i think even years after now and even if homestuck becomes a smaller part of my life, this game is going to stick with me forever. thank you so so so much.

also, on a sillier note, what the heckadoodle do you mean the fucking hampsters movie was real? i was just like oh haha thats a silly idea! a hamsters movie with the hamster dance! such a funny and fake thing to have in a homestuck fangame! its like guy fieri being the antichrist or gushers being made by a genocidal fish! silly fictional stories making up silly fictional things!

but like i looked it up and its real??? its fucking real????? its a movie i can watch with my very own two eyeballs. apparently fucking saberspark made a video about it?????? huh??????

actually i just realized this is probably very congruous with homestuck. because i do not know how to convey the shock i felt when i was in a convenience store and found out that faygo was real. and then the further shock when i realized that tab was real after telling myself that SURELY at least one drink in homestuck was fictional.

im not sure if you meant to send this to @pesterquestrewritten or not but. holy fucking shit this is one of the sweetest asks ive ever gotten of all time????? jesus christ. oh my god.

i dont think i need to say it but pqr has been a very similar lifeline for ME as well. like, ive been dealing with some pretty schnasty depression since/before leaving school. and, like, working on pesterquest rewritten, HAVING that outlet, that creative place to put my energies, its been so vital for me. and then hearing that its been the same for my READERS????? crazy. crazy wild shit

speaking of older routes, i DID actually go back and add one thing to the rose typewriter ending in the prologue, it uses a new renpy feature that i'd been asking for for months hahaha

and also, if you have the technical knowhow and youre curious, feel free to dig around the internals and find the hidden beta for bonus route 3. im not gonna tell you to not play it lmao

aaa

yeah! yeah yeah yeah yeah. im incredibly happy my writing has resonated. and that the silly puppet show i put on next to my writing has also resonated. its. yeah. waow

wawowawoawoaowoaowaw.

fun fact about the hampsterdance movie. one time when i was in high school i had a professor who was like "yeah i composed music for hampsterdance." and i was like ???? okay man. sure. because at the time that movie was lost media and nobody knew it existed. so i had no fuckin clue what that guy was talking about.

of course YEARS later it turns out that the movie DOES exist. and i looked up the credits and i dont THINK i see his name there? but its probably what hes talking about. if it isnt what hes talking about i have less of a fucking clue than anything at this point lmao

pqr likes to reference my other works a lot! for example, the chatroom called "the nexus" first appeared here, in my first published fic that was textually about ultaradia. youll sometimes find quotes or phrasing that match whatever other fanfic i was writing at the time, or, i mean, obviously, you've got the entire A Bed of Roses section, which USED to be a tribute to my longest work, and now is only a neat reference to my second-longest work. god damn, did pesterquest rewritten ever grow out of proportion lmao

yeah. i think the main thing is that i really could never have gotten as far as i did with pqr without my friends and creative collaborators, who have encouraged me forever one thousand years. pqr is a game about friendship, obviously, but the friendships that were integral in the CREATION of the game are even more important to me than the virtual ones tbh. i love everyone whos in the credits of the game very dearly

thank u all :,)

and thank u for reading and enjoying!!! i'll try and put out more for the kanayaroute bad end tonight :D

[arielluva]

ive been thinking about cds a lot more recently (probably bc i ordered 2 out of 3 utena discs online (and they should be arriving on tuesday!!)) like. i ended up looking through my cds i have, thinking about burning a cd for the first time (bc my parents always just. burnt them for me so i unfortunately have never done it, and my computer is just a surface pro 4 with a keyboard attachment and as such has no disc drive)

but anyways. thinking about them got me thinking about how i honestly listened to cds consistently until very recently. like. i listened to a cd every night to go to bed for probably like. 10 years. maybe even longer than that who knows!! and it also just got me thinking about technology more in general. cds arent really. as relevant anymore. like yeah theyre still sold but since music has been becoming more and more digital and more focused on streaming it hasnt been as much of a thing. i used to have an mp3 player (which. i have no clue what happened to it)

and like. video game consoles i was used to as a kid are. getting really old now (something i was thinking about last night). the wii will be turning 18 next year, the original nintendo ds will be turning 20. the dsi (which was my first ds) will be turning 15. even the switch being a pretty recent (and still current) console is turning 7. its sooo weird to think about the passage of time and things getting older. the ds i played with when i was 6 was already kinda outdated when i got it since it was 2012 and the 3ds existed, but now the dsi is a pretty old console. 2009 doesnt seem like that long ago to me, then i have to remind myself that was the year when i was in preschool and i am now an adult

its crazy to think about how much things have changed, i used vhs tapes when i was younger to watch schoolhouse rock, had all my dvds and cds (though unfortunately my dvds are not in good shape due to little me almost never putting them back in their cases 😔) i listened to music off of my dsi primarily and thought the 3d animation in barbie and the diamond castle was peak animation, and now things are skewing towards being mostly digital, and there are so many hyperrealistic 4k type graphics out there now......

i dont even know what im rambling on about anymore its like 2 am. i just think things are cool and they also give me a crisis when i realize some things are kinda old now but. i suppose thats just something everyone goes through at some point

[thegongoozlerreacts]

Welcome Home (Part 4)

part 4 !! gonna finish going through the site and work out all the secrets (hopefully)

spoilers under the cut

ok so i was going through and re-opening all the secrets and !! i was showing my brother the 'You' page from The Neighborhood, talking about how i couldnt believe i missed this the first time i went on The Neighborhood

then i went to the so below page wondering 'hmm is this different' cuz i know i looked at it last time but i only really glanced at it and gUESS WHAT

spiral. a spiral got drawn in and im so mad i didnt wait the first time but its ok! i found it now

leads to a page called 'Neighbor'

OH!! THE RECORD IS SHAKING !!! so this is important definitely

no Wally BUT it is a series of sounds that must have come from Home because thats the only character who cant talk and is said to communicate through sounds

also im pretty sure that its morse code but i have no idea how to transcribe it so,,,, i might try later or just find the answers somewhere else LOL

the sounds in question are clicks and squeaks, so im pretty sure the clicks are dots and the squeaks are dashes

but other than that ive got no idea dude LOL

well thats interesting why is it like that

OH MY GOD THERE ARE TRANSCRIPTS !!!! I GOT THIS BY COMPLETE ACCIDENT I WAS JUST TRYING TO PAUSE THE VIDEO OMG !! well now i have to check all the other bug videos

oh my god i knew there was something off about that little gray rectangle at the bottom of the video holy shit

looking at the transcript for Sally and Julie in a play, and at the end Sally calls Wally 'walliford' which is insane actually

ok now onto the merchandise page !!

oh my god its a real life telephone

ITS A FUCKING BOX !!!

u dont understand this is insane

i fucking love Welcome Home and all the art in it so cool

OH MY GOD THERE'S AUDIO FOR IT HOLY SHIT

Wally's audio isnt available cuz its got a glitch hmmmmmm hmmm

this is so cool though

ok so i was just hovering my mouse over all the buttons and actually you can click the red button which is Wally's button which leads to a page called 'duet'

im not gonna listen to that yet because i wanna see all the stuff on the merchandise page first

i will be going from right to left (pink/Julie button to purple/Eddie button)

so Julie is as cute as ever LOL its funny that she immediately assumes the silence is some kind of game also how would Quiet Sandwich Jumprope work?? i lowkey want to play just to see how it would work

next up is orange which is Sally !!

i love Sally she's so dramatic LMAOAO yes Sally u ARE taking the words out of my mouth also like where did that 'ta-da' sound come from?? does she just have a ta-da sound effect button on hand or something ??? thats hilarious i can totally see her doing that new headcanon

next up is yellow which is Frank !!

this is so funny its the way that Frank gets so mad when he thinks its Barnaby and its the way he was like 'well if this is Barnaby I'll 'prank' him by telling him about butterfly sleep!' like yes amazing prank Frank (oh hey that rhymed)

next up is green which is Poppy !!

aww Poppy ur so cute even tho ur like british?!?!? (jk on the british thing) she's so nice and polite even tho she like dropped the telephone she's still so polite like 'oops sorry i have to go have a nice day though!' i love her

next up is blue-green (??) which is Howdy !!

"...Actually, I do have plenty of time in stock, it’s in aisle two next to the bananas. But …I call ‘em cuckoo clocks!" ok thats funny u got me Howdy i love that there's two jokesters in the cast (more fuel for my Barnaby x Howdy craziness)

next up is blue which is Barnaby !!

"I wouldn’t know, I wasn’t there! What do I look like, a BEE’s-dropper?" Barnaby and Howdy are both absolute clowns, their immediate reaction to silence is tell a joke also every audio i hear of Barnaby reminds me more and more of Sans from Undertale LAMOAOAO

next up is purple which is Eddie !!

"Whether letter or parcel, whether rain, snow, or shine, we weather the weather and never decline!" he has a jingle thats so cute "..I’m starting to think nobody’s there… Wait… I can’t remember if the phone was ringing… Maybe I was going to make a phone call... But who would I call?" Eddie is such a himbo is that just me (also he'd call Frank cough cough)

next up is red which is Wally !!

ok so its different from the other duet that comes from the secret link 'hard to hear you think' huh,,,,,, "I hope you saw a friend, but I’m not sure you saw a name... Stand still. Let’s start over." fascinating what does he mean by 'not sure you saw a name' also the 'stand still' thing is interesting because i think in one of the record audios he asks 'why are you still' or something

was going through the audios and oh hey theyres transcripts here too and a little hint that its morse code

HERE IT IS 'Will' fascinating fascinating

i love that there's transcripts for all the audio even the secret ones thats so cool

ok now onto the rest of the merchandise page LOL

LETTERSSS

also bug spotted !!

the open letters are all addressed to Wally, one from Frank about a bug and one from Howdy about paint its really cute

"It seems as though whoever enjoyed this playset had a grand time pretending to mail letters to their favorite Playfellow puppets!" or maybe,,, u just have real letters actually written BY the characters and ur just going thru their mail pretty sure thats illegal LOLOL

OOH !! SO COOL

i love the art

listened to the audio and holy fucking shit !!! THEYRE ALL SO CUTE DUDE I LOVE ALL OF THEM

FRANK: [Frank looks down at him, rotating his head a bit as if to shake it.] You always did work too hard.

EDDIE: Wha? Huh?

FRANK: I’m going inside. Enjoy the ground, Mr. Dear.

EDDIE: Alrighty! S-say, uh, before you go, any chance I could get a hand gettin’ up-- [door closing sound] oh, you’re gone. That’s fine! I’ll, uh, get to pickin’ myself up… before the cows come home, heh-heh.

that,,, sorry i just ship Frank and Eddie so hard LMFAOOAOAOAOO

"You always did work too hard." what does this mean Frank how would u know that unless u been watching him hmmm 🤨 heheheh

i would love to hear the rest of the audio where Eddie attempts to (or does actually) lift up Poppy, Howdy and Home because that would be SO funny

bug spotted

OMG WALLY PUPPET IN THE REFLECTION !!!!!!!

this is so fucking cool they made records i cant believe it

the audio is all fucked up but still !!! so cool !!

CEREAL !!!

honestly in-universe this must have been an INSANELY popular show if its got records, toys, storybooks and fucking cereal made for it like ??? and all of this is LOST media????? what the fuck happened!?!??!?!?

AND A COLORING BOOK !!! i would love to have one of these

and then the Valentines Day cards which are all so cute

i dont see any drawings so i guess theres no Wally audio for this page

also bug spotted on the transcript page so i will watch that along with the bug video from the merch page (also no drawings on transcript page)

ok so merch bug video is funny LOL

Eddie being afraid of being jumped on by Barnaby hadnt even considered that dynamic between them bc Barnaby's a dog and Eddie's a mailman LMAOAOAO this video didnt end with Wally being asked a question on what he thinks but technically it still counts because he'd probably respond with what he thinks (question mark idfk what im saying)

next video

its Frank and Julie and I LOVE THEM I LOVE THEIR DYNAMIC SO CUTE GRAHHKDSKDJSJD

why are all these characters so cute stop it !!!! before i combust !!

now its time for the exhibition !!! so hyped !!

bug spotted but its hiding !! dont hide little fella !!

THIS IS SO FUCKING COOL,,, I WISH I COULD HAVE BEEN AT THE ACTUAL EXHIBITION HOLY SHIT

this is just so cool im losing my fucking mind

WHAT THE FUCK I DIDNT KNOW U COULD DO THIS

now i have to go back and look through the other pictures but like this

ok nevermind i think its only the exhibition page thats like this which makes sense

"Unlike many of the other neighbors, we have yet to find a Wally Darling puppet design sheet." hmmm interesting

Wally is three feet ?!?!? he's so small ?!?!??!

"The previous owner of this playset seemed to be channeling their best Frank Frankly in this charming doodle of one of Welcome Home's smaller residents!" hahaha...... yes its all just play and totally not real actual letters made by the real actual characters heehoo

OH MY GOD THERE'S A VIDEO HELP THAT SCARED ME LMAOAO

i was just showing my brother the exhibition pictures like 'LOOK !! THEY MADE REAL LIFE THINGS FOR THIS SHIT !!' and i was just moving between the pictures then the sudden appearance of the video jumpscared me LMAOAOAO my bad

DUDEEE I WOULD HAVE ACED THIS TEST SO HARD I KNOW ITS INCREDIBLY EASY BUT MAN I WANT THAT PRIZE

was the special prize lore oh my god i need to know what it is

!!!! REEAL LIFE WALLY PUPPET AND A MINI HOME GRAHHHJKFWDJDS THIS IS SO COOL I WISH I COULD HAVE GONE TO THIS EXHIBIT

"If it was a calling that brought me here, well, then that phone is still a-ringing!" there's another reference to ringing lots of references to being called/calling and stuff for Welcome Home

so very interesting

also another doodle

also i was using the option + tab command on my mac to see all that was clickable and guess what !!

random clickable white space

WELL ALRIGHT THEN

so !! password thing

i clicked the image it leads to this

click it again and it leads to this

i will definitely go through that but first the bug video and Wally audio

Poppy and Sally !!! talking about cake !!

i really like the bug videos bc even tho it is a little creepy and weird, the dynamics and banter and talk with the characters are just so fucking cute

also Wally moved his hands in this video !!

mk so the Wally audio titled 'understand' is very interesting about Home i feel like this has to be before the Home morse code audio right?? or maybe after? its definitely close to the Home morse code audio for sure

so this,, very interesting indeed

the safe has buttons which corresponds to each neighbor

but you need to put in a password in this

so how the fuck do i answer this

ok so im gonna go with the page's suggestion of the worksheet being the key

OH MY FUCKING GOD WAIT HOLD ON I HAVE TO SPLIT THIS UP BC I REACHED THE PHOTO LIMIT

[creepypocky]

Hi can I request a matchup please! Thank you if you do.

I want both if that's okay!

My pronouns are they/them but they change bc im genderfluid

My sexuality is bi

My style is vampire goth I wear rings, fishnets, black and red dresses! But sometimes I like to mixed my style up. Im usually grunge, goth, or sometimes scene it depends on the day and mood!

My hobbies are playing video games, watching movies, hanging out with friends, and going out to do fun things!

My goal is to be a more out going person!

My ideals with my s/o are going out to eat, looking at the night sky, going to the beach and going to arcades!!

My favorite kind of person is a person that would be loyal to a fault (like I am), have a strong but kind personality! They work towards they're goals but also have fun along the way <3

The kind of person I hate is stuck-up, selfish, jealous,snobby, nosey, and just plain rude to others or their own friends/family kind of like a basic stereotypical white girl in movies that does eye rolls lmaoooo

I like exploring nature and new places thats what I like. What I dislike is going somewhere new and getting lost. Or being stuck too.

My zodiac sign is pisces, my moon is in Sagittarius and my rising sign is virgo if that helps any!

Im mostly an introvert but I try my best to socialize with new people!

For NSFW: I dont have any kinks but what turns me on is neck kissing, biting, touching my legs or thighs tbh aftercare is the best to me

For a bonus: winter and autumn give me so much comfort, Halloween is my most loved holiday and Christmas is too <33 I love it when its chilly in autumn and when its snowing in winter it calms me so much even though I get cold way too easy lmaoooo

I hope your day/night is good!

Hii <3

You can most definitely get a matchup :)

I match you with: Ticci Toby!

First off, he thinks your style is really cool and sometimes when he's out on missions he will randomly buy clothes or small things for you and when he comes back he'll be really excited to just smother you in gifts and see the smile that comes up on your face because of him. Sometimes he'll even match styles with you just to show off to other people or just for the sake of it.

Toby is really interested in having fun and stuff despite the kind of person he is because he rarely gets to have fun because of Slender, but once you two start hanging out he always has these crazy ideas for the both of you to try out that he's never been able to do with people other than just doing stuff with himself.

When he's free, he likes to take you to arcades and skating rings to get you away from the other pastas because he knows they can be pretty rude or weird but also because he likes playing the games with you (especially the racing ones because they let him get his pent up emotions out by raging since he doesn't want to accidentally let it out on you) and he also loves the look of determination or amusement that you have when playing them.

He doesn't have as many games as Ben does back where he lives, but if you take interest in a game or mention one to him he always takes note of it and gets the game for you whenever he's able to without you knowing. He's really keen on spoiling you all the time and it's super cute when he goes out of his way to get you stuff even though he doesn't have to.

When it's a quiet night and he doesn't have to go out to do his job, he likes to cuddle up to you in bed and watch movies with you on his laptop. He mostly enjoys watching really bad horror movies just because it's fun to make fun of them, but if you're in a more serious mood he doesn't mind at all putting on whatever you want and just enjoying the moment with you.

He loves that you strive to have more friends and to be more outgoing even though you're mostly introverted because he knows most really introverted people wouldn't really bother with trying that, so he respects you a lot and admires your determination.

He can be pretty immature at times especially around the other pastas and his emotions can be confusing to even him, but despite everything he is still fairly loyal, especially to you. He can definitely be big on pranks but he always makes sure not to hurt you too bad or ever take interest in another person more than you because you're the main person who makes him feel human and/or normal, so he wants to show that same kind of contribution towards you.

Since he's bipolar and has to deal with depression due to his past and current job, he's pretty strong for going through it for so long and being with you only makes him stronger and reminds him of how lucky he is to still be breathing even though Slender could easily get rid of him if he wanted to, it gives Toby adrenaline and determination to keep on going and keep living with you whilst knowing the risk of it all.

He understands hating people who are really stuck up and selfish because before he became a proxy he would constantly get bullied by people like that and seeing others act the same way only reminds him of those bullies, so if you two ever encounter people like that he's always quick to take your side on it and get you away from them. He even hates some of the pastas because they can be like that too and it bothers him a lot because their actions are really unnecessary.

If you ever ended up getting lost somewhere new he would focus all of his time on finding you or getting you to someplace familiar because he hates seeing you upset and also doesn't want you to be in danger. He wants you to feel reassured that he'd have your back.

He also goes out into the woods often so if you ever feel like it he'll bring you and let you look around while he does what Slender tells him, and if it gets dark and you two are still out he'll look at the stars with you with his arm around your back.

Toby really loves winter too, if it ever snows he loves to just randomly pull you outside and mess with you with the snow, but if you're having a more calm and settled day he'll probably make hot chocolate for you or bake something with you (even though he's not the best at cooking or baking so it'll most likely be chaos lmao) and then just look at the snow outside while drinking or eating with you.

NSFW:

I canon Toby as mostly vanilla too but he's fairly passionate during sex and will mostly definitely pamper your neck, leaving sloppy kisses and hickeys as he holds you in his arms and massages around your body and legs.

No matter who is topping or subbing he always has a thing for squeezing your thighs or your hips while holding your hand and its the sweetest thing especially when he groans in your ear and tries to pull you even closer to him.

He loves loves loves body worship so if you're ever having a hard day he loves to just lay you down and kiss all over your body to show his appreciation for you and you should probably just expect a bunch of bite marks on your body in the morning.

When the deed is done he loves to just hold you close against him and talk about random things with you if hes not too tired, will most definitely give you so many face kisses especially on the forehead and nose. He's just so happy he gets to have these kinds of experiences with you and is able to show you how much he appreciates you for being with him despite the shit he does.

There you go!! :) I hope you liked this matchup, and tysm I am having a good day despite feeling a bit sick but it's tolerable. I hope you're also having a great day and taking care of yourself. I enjoyed writing this a lot and learning about you, even if you think some of the parts in this matchup may be inaccurate.

<3

[here-qu33r-and-in-fear]

Drv3 Bnha crossover Idea!

*very long in my opinion*

Izuku grew up in the Komeada orphanage, along side Kokichi, and Maki. After awhile the trio meet the founder of the orphanage’ son, Nagito Komeada, who though most seem crazy for most kids, the trio look past that and find that he is very nice. Nagito starts coming out to play more often after meeting them. One day, The Komeada couple had to go over sea’s for a while leaving Nagito, who was to sick to go, to stay with his friends at the orphanage. Weeks later news arrived that Nagito’s parents died in a plane crash and were no survivors. Nagito kept trying to look on the bright side of things, like the fact that he still had his dog, Izuku, Kokichi, And Maki still with him. A month later the staff receive news that if they don’t find a new owner(s) the facility will be forced to shut down and all of the kids will be forced into foster homes. They had at least 6 months to find a new owner. During that time, Nagito, Izuku, and Kokichi’s seperation anxeity started to eat away at them. Maki was trying to convince the 9 year old (nagito) and the two 6 year old’s (Kokichi and Izuku) That they wouldn’t leave each other’s side no matter what. With that Idea, Kokichi Makes D.I.C.E, and everyone he was close with at the orphanage joined, Except Maki. Maki thought it was over dramatic so she didn’t join. A few weeks later Nagito was out in the front when His dog bursts through the somehow open door and bounds onto the street. Nagito see’s the oncoming truck and thinks he still has enough time to get his dog out of the street if he runs. Unfortunately, he was a slow runner, and a very quiet kid, the large speeding truck does not see the small, puppy and hit him, not even slowing down afterwards. Nagito, starts screaming and bawling on the side walk. Maki, Izuku, Kokichi and the current staff rush out at the sound of him screaming and see the no longer living dog in the street. They all go to comfort Nagito and some of them were crying as well. A week later a funeral is held for the dog, and the parents, even though they had no bodies for the parents. 

Nagito, develops vitiligo, causing him to loose a lot of his pigment in his skin and hair. Its now the 5th month and the employees were starting to loose hope in the possibility that the orphanage would be able to continue so they started to look at families for the children. 6th month, and no one has bought the building. Some of the Kids started saying that one of the employees should try and buy the building, But Izuku knew that it wouldn’t work. So, Izuku started taking random things that reminded him of his friends at the orphanage, like dice for Kokichi, A four leaf clover charm for Nagito (who had really good luck) and a red scrunchie for Maki. He also started making/buying things for them as well. He got Nagito(who is 10 now) a pocket chain, Kokichi a checkered scarf and he also started calling kokichi Kichi, and made Maki a bunch of bracelets and the nickname Maki-roll. Soon everyone called her that in a time span of 6 hours. Maki would wear the braclets all the time. Maki also would be the one to comfort the smaller children(She is now 8 she was 7 when she met Nagito). Kokichi would always wear his scarf unless he was eating, he didn’t want to get it dirty. Nagito started wearing it as often as he could seeing as he had very little jeans to wear. 

On the last day, They all made a scrap book of all their memories at the Komeada orphanage. All of the kids got to decorate someone else’s cover. Nagito decorated some kid named Gundahm’s who had a fondness for animals, so that was the theme that Nagito went with. Izuku decorated Kokichi’s, which was a bunch of purple, glitter, checkered mess, Kokichi loved it so much he started crying. Maki did one for Izuku, which was covered in red, green, white glitter and pictures of music stuff, rose stickers, and cat stickers on it. Kokichi decorated Nagito’s, It had a bunch of green glitter, cards stickers, four leaf clover stickers, and white sparkly border made out of ribbon. A girl named Mikan made Maki-rolls, It had red glitter, navy blue lining, and little pictures of flowers on it. It was kind of messy but not as messy as Mikan, she was covered in glitter, ribbons, and stickers. After they all finished their scrap-books, they all left to who ever adopted them.

 Maki was Adopted by A tall man who worked for the government and thought she had potential. Izuku was adopted by a loud couple who were aspiring musicians. Kokichi was taken in by a strict looking lady who acted kinda mean to the kids including Kichi. Nagito was adopted by one of the staff members who was close to him. Kokichi’s parent was actually abusive (I’m so sorry! I love you Kichi!) and just needed someone to clean the house seeing as her husband just left her. Izuku’s parents were very nice but after a year he woke up in an ally way. He was later found by Inko who took him to her house and cleaned him up. She took him to the police department to find there were no records of anyone named Izuku. She adopted him, Gave him the name Izuku Midoriya offically and took him to the doctor to find out what his quirk was. Izuku, not knowing what a quirk was, Inko assumed he was cut off from outside news and was raised in a no quirk zone. After finding out what quirks were he was super excited to see if he had one. He didn’t He was ok with that but his new friend he made a week before the Appointment, Katsuki Bakugo, was not Okay with that. And there started the bullying(age 6). Everything basically goes as it does in cannon from there. Maki was being trained to be an assassin, so she must mask emotions, be strong, smart, and know how to fight. She was already smart and strong so she enjoyed the challenge. Nagito,(im sorry) was raised as a loved child when the lady was home after dinner and on the weekends, other than that he was left with a baby sitter most of the time. One day, while on they’re way to the doctors for his monthly check up, seeing as he was a very sick child, they got into a car crash and the worker died. Nagito ended up in a foster home after that sense nobody would adopt a sickly expenceve 12 year old. 

After all of the danganronpa’s Nagito, Kokichi, and Maki were all reunited. 3 months After getting out of the hospital for the post-trauma they (meaning the whole Dr cast) wake up in an unfamiliar setting. (Just a side note but the dead from thh are alive, it was also a video game, it wasn’t real for them. Junko doesn’t exist btw) They were a couple streets down from a huge building so they decide to go to the building to ask where they are. It was the weekend so some of the ua students were heading out to go places. that also just so happens to include Midoriya. Midoriya, Seeing Kokichi first he goes wide eyed but then looks away because he didn’t know if it was really Kokichi. But before he could look away, Kokichi turns around because he felt Izuku staring goes wide eyed as well before shouting at Nagito to see if he sees Izuku as well. Nagito says yes, also wide eyed and all three of them start running at each other for a hug they all burst into happy tears and fall onto their knees. Maki being slightly behind everyone minus kokichi and nagito, hears them running away and turns to look at whats happening, sees Izuku, and says “Holy shit!” not, quietly either. Now the rest of the dr cast turns to see what all the commotion is about to see maki running at the emotional, hugging group of boys on the floor, Kaito, scared she was going to murder them, takes a step foward and was about to yell “MAKI-ROLL, WAIT!” before seeing that she also starts cry hugging, leaving the rest of the bnha and dr cast really confused and shocked. 

Thats all I have! 

[uncreativc]

*  ♡ ╰  wong yukhei. twenty three. cismale + he/him  ⁄   any time kendal zheng is in the test kitchen they play boogie by brockhampton. the leo sign has been working at that’s amore for two years as a sugar rusher. since then the ebullient has built a reputation for being goofy & bold but also childish & stubborn. could that be the the reason why their palate enjoys shrimp and pb & j sandwiches ? but it for sure explains why crude drawings on recipes, worn baseball hats, weird late night texts, being loudest person at a party remind me of them. ☇ mars. 18+. she/they. est.

yeah yeah go ahead and say it mars late mars never on time :rolls_eyes:. mars doesnt even know the concept of time so yeah thats who i am and yeah i orbit around nothing thats why my names mars. this is my Himbo kendal no relation to jenner but he might joke about being part of the kardashians. this took way longer than i wanted it too but thats okay watched a video the other day that was doing pokemon races and shuckle won so :D below will be like a semblance of a bio

P I N T E R E S T   |  D O S S I E R 

google searches include: how many teeth do i have, are we running out of almonds, why do people eat corn off the cob, how much would a pyramid cost, am i in a pyramid scheme, if you die on an operating table and come back to life is your birthday changed?

SUUUUPER competitve if there is challenge videos coming out you know hes trying to get in on that. stuck a marble up his nose once to prove he could do it put an entire cupcake in his massive ass mouth no one would stop him. ATE A SPOONFUL OF WASABI FOR WHAT?!

kendal is a middle child and it defintiely shows, their dumbass chaotic nature was definitely born out of being neglected and forgotten about. living in a shadow wasnt the greatest for them and then not even getting the attention of being a baby for long by his moms did their best to be equal with them all but kendal felt ****it****. they play it off as just being goofy and playful most of the time but he can get up to some real trouble when he feels like it. mostly out of just making bad decisions

too much energy - talks too much and is bad for interrupting he generally doesnt really have anything of use to add to a conversation other than weird stories, strange questions, and weird conspiracy theories but hes fun and loud and loves to be the centre of attention. this can be annoying honesly hes friendly and loyal he’d never turn someone down till the day he dies its just... bro is a lot to deal with sometimes hes so much of a loud ass clown and go against clearly something you told him not to do like jump up on a table leave a complete mess in the kitchen squeeze toothpaste in the middle of the tube. you know shit like that.

definitely is scared easily like you could easily scare him in the kitchen hes scared of the most stupid things like dark mirrors, his hair blowing off his body and landing on a dead body and him becoming a suspect for a murder. 

he loooooves camping which is kinda funny for someone who gets scared about the most irrational things. does he think a bear is gonna come and rip his tent apart? yeah probably but he still likes it. defintiely went to boy scouts growing up earned a lot of badges learned how to tie knots you know the usual. only had his moms cheat and make him patches like... once or twice. 

probably forgot it was your birthday or that you invited him out to something. you know the nana you have that never remembers and just sends random gifts and they say happy birthday. yeah thats him.

a little oblivious he wont know if youve caught feelings for him and assumes everything is just playful until otherwise told thats what he gets for flirting too much without even realizing. it gets him into trouble because people think they have something and he’s just like :O i thought we were just bros. maybe if he wasnt so flirty and dumb this wouldnt be a problem but its not going to stop him any time soon. hes very casually flirty with everyone he meets honestly. hes just a goof and a lot of times that shit comes off as super flirting and if you think it is.... youre right!

hes definitely more of a house party kind of guy or get his and sit on the back porch and launch water ballooons at a friend down on the ground. yeah he probably got a concussion from that once because he didnt realize that whiplash is a thing like a true idiot and it definitely knocked him out cold.

has a peanut allergy jokes about either living by the sword that he does not have but swears that he does or die by his peanut allergy.

likes mood rings pokemon cards and worm on a string. yes hes made people worm on a string before as pretty much a friendship bracelet. imagine a dude at a party blasted out of his mind coming up to you and handing you a worm on a string and saying youre his friend and that you deserve this. 

hes a cowboy grew up in the south and definitely plays that up loves dirt biking rock climbing and pretty much everything that doesnt entirely involve working on his farm like he doesnt like horses but does like goats you know? 

asked for an extension through email on his wiiu because he lost his computer somewhere

organized mess. you know that chapstick you dropped like three weeks ago he left it there because he knows exactly where it is. like he could just keep things tidy but what would be the fun in that. doesnt follow recipes like ever just kind of tries to eyeball and remember how things were made

WANTED CONS 

tinder date/ set ups that either led to something or didnt

good friend who hacked their instagram one night and started responding to dms just funny doesnt have to been anything crude. they do it to each other some nights like just hang out

hookups. good or bad. one night stand or on going.

party friends he gave them a worm on a string or something got really fucked up and they tried to make like exactly mcdonlds nuggets the boot ones all night

they stole something from your muse ( bike, spatula, idk anything )  and they caught them LSMDLSMDLMDSLM

they stayed up one night and tried to fully solve a cold case even went to the library so late that they got kicked out. it was a long night full of energy drinks and crazy theories. they still do this sometimes now.

crushes they can be mutual or one sided i really dont mind. like i said before danny kind of gets crushes really easily and they kind of just dissapear out of nowhere as well but like we could work something out

exes good bad or indifferent i really dont mind

old childhod friends could be from summer camp or an old teammate when he used to play more sports, could be literally anything i am down i love past connects 

roommates PLEASE

made edibles that were too strong together ended fucking them over for days

they movie hoped or dine and dashed together like i really dont mind just something funny 

someone he makes videos with id love to brainstorm a really stupid like alt series with another sugar rusher or maybe not even a sugar rusher im down for anything 

rock climbing/paint ball/laser tag friends? video games like smash or something theyre super competitve together 

im good for plotting anything 

[frigfridge]

just finished rewatching toy story 1 thru 3 over the past few days, wanted to share my thoughts:

i love these movies a whole lot. the first 2 hold a bunch of nostalgia for me because i was A Baby when 2 came out and when i was also A Baby i would just watch our VHS copy of toy story 1 over and over again. this also makes me the exact age group to be emotionally destroyed by toy story 3, which came out just as i was entering high school and hit really close to home

individual thoughts:

toy story: the first thing i noticed was it still looks really nice even watching in 2019!! which i think is kind of spectacular for the first feature-length computer-animated film. it no doubt helps that the plot is mostly focused on little plastic dolls without realistic hair or clothing to animate but the semi-”cartoon” art direction means the human characters also look pretty nice without going too far into the uncanny valley.

also, the plot is WAY darker than i remember?? not because of sid and all the body horror toys, but because for like half of the movie woodys friends think hes an actual (toy) murderer carrying around the severed arm of his victim (!!) like, its hilarious, but also wow theres a LONG way to go between there and the climax of toy story 3.

the soundtrack is probably my favorite of the bunch. part of that is probably nostalgia but i just really like the consistency of having randy newman singing every song. it sort of elevates him to part of the story, like an omniscient narrator singing woodys (and later buzzs) inner monologue. 2 (and especially 3) didnt have as many musical numbers, which i can understand with a shift to a larger-scale approach to storytelling, but i really like the feeling it gives number 1. “you got a friend in me” is an obvious classic thats been remixed and brought back in just about every piece of toy story media im aware of, but “strange things” and “i will go sailing no more” deserve just as much recognition and praise. there just isnt a weak number among them

toy story 2: heres where the story started getting bigger and more existential, which basically becomes the new direction of the series. which makes sense! this one released 4 years after the first, and while theres no real timeskip in the story (maybe 6 months?) it had been a little while since we last saw woody and the gang. everybody in the real world had gotten older, and with the turn of the millennium approaching, the theme of impermanence loomed large in the collective unconscious. well, maybe not in my unconscious, because i was 2. but its really interesting as kind of a “time capsule” to what people were thinking about as the 90s came to a close.

so toy story 2 was a little more grounded, a little more focus on the human world, but it was also more fantastical in its presentation. the opening “video game” sequence (which still looks amazing!!) and woodys nightmare (”i dont wanna play with you anymore...”) show the animators at pixar really found their groove and started getting experimental. and to great result!! the fantasy sequences are a lot of fun and help 2 really stand out.

i would be remiss not to mention jessies flashback song here. its something else they hadnt really done in the first film and i think it really works. jessie in this film unfortunately doesnt get to do much other than fight with woody about whether he should stay or go (except for when she saves him in the end) but this song makes her character work. it also helps that it destroys me every time

also i think this is the movie that gave me an appreciation for the acting of kelsey grammer. i dont really agree with his politics (i also dont know specifically what they are) but he is a damn fine actor and gives the prospector a very genuinely intimidating edge after his heel turn. the casting really makes the character here, but thats nothing new for toy story-- every voice works. if i were the casting director, i probably wouldnt have pulled erudite kelsey grammer for a character named “stinky pete,” but as it is now i couldnt imagine him voiced by anyone else.

the last thing about toy story 2 is it feels like there were a lot more pop culture references? at least as far as i noticed. there are apparently even more than i noticed but i caught on to the “also sprach zarathustra” riff in the opening, and the jurassic park rearview mirror gag. and of course the extended star wars reference with zurg vs. utility belt buzz (and i guess zurg in general.) the references are cute and mostly unobtrusive but really i could take or leave them.

oh yeah also al is hilarious. just this rude, neurotic businessman whos incredibly self-important for the owner of a minor(?) toy store chain. hes such a puffed-up jerk, every time hes on-screen is a delight

toy story 3: this one kills me to death. i always get misty-eyed during “when somebody loved me” but the ending of 3 where andy introduces his toys to bonnie and plays with them one last time made me sob the first time i watched it. and it still does! thats the long game right there, thats the payoff of over 10 years loving these characters. its an emotional ketchup bomb, everything gets all messy and soggy and sweet. hopefully 4 can follow up, but im not really worried about that-- ive heard some good things. damn, its been 9 years since this movie came out, though! it really doesnt feel all that long, but i guess i havent been doing all that much

i actually dont know if i have much else to say about 3. the opening with the re-imagining of the previous films openings (woody versus one-eyed bart, buzz and woody vs. the evil dr. porkchop) is a highlight, although theres a conspicuous lack of bo peep. ive heard she has a big part in 4, but it was kind of weird to see a lot of toys missing and their absence (mostly) glossed over after the first few minutes. i miss r.c. and lenny, but i get they wanted to narrow down the cast so all of them could get in on the plot.

speaking of which, the escape scene is great too. its kind of a crystallizing moment of how close these characters are, and how well they work together. it reminds me a lot of the escape from sids house in the first movie, but there woody was working with sids body-horror toys and seemed to strike up a rapport with them bizarrely quickly. (speaking of which, i miss those toys! their designs were super cool, but i cant imagine they got much merchandise, especially babyface with the sharp, metal spider legs.) here, though, woody and the gang cooperate the best they ever have, and it really paints a picture of how close theyve become over the years, and justifies the emotional climax in the landfill. this is what i was talking about when i said i was surprised how dark toy story 1 got! these toys all hated woodys guts back then for what they thought he did to buzz. they kicked him out of a moving truck! its just weird to think about that conflict between them when you know how long they end up sticking together. but thats, like, neat, so its ok. it feels earned, its just kind of crazy in hindsight.

toy story 3 was also obviously made long after the first two-- by comparison, the lighting is way more sophisticated, the humans are a lot more detailed. theres just a lot more detail In General. the main cast is, like, super dirty for the middle 90% of the film, and it feels like, yeah, We Have This Technology Now. we can render so many individual glitter sprinkles suck to hamms ass and they will be in every single scene. the “fur tech” on lotso and buster is also an obvious clue, especially in the flashback to lotso trudging through the rain back to his owners house. its like “look! we can make this teddy bear SO wet!” and wow! yeah! you did! so wet!

lotso himself is also an interesting villain in terms of sheer bastardness. he is just a huge jerk. he could have hit that button so easily! and he was so mean to the baby! but at the same time hes a great character in how he slowly “changes” throughout the movie. he is kind of an obvious “pixar ‘twist’ villain” but again, the amazing performance by ned beatty really saves him. also he does get a nice comeuppance at the end, which was necessary because hes really the biggest villain in the series so far. hes knowingly malicious and doesnt have any greater motive, hes just an embittered megalomaniac who (apparently) has sent other toys to be broken, thrown away, and incinerated at the landfill. he honestly deserves worse than being strapped to the front of a truck but it works for a family movie.

i have a couple more thoughts on 3 (i guess i did have a fair amount of stuff to say about it) but im getting tired of writing. the music is good as usual, but the vocal stuff being entirely back-loaded (in the credits) is a bit disappointing since ive always been a fan of the songs, but i get that they were going for something different. the jokes about ken being, uh, ‘flamboyant’ felt out of place, mostly the one at the end (”uh, buzz? barbie didnt write this”) because it comes from one of the gang and not unnamed lotso goon #3, but i guess its pretty tame in the scheme of things.

overall im really looking forward to seeing what 4 does with the series. whew!

[speaknvw]

reputation - album review

insp. by outofthewoods, i’m gonna do a full review of the album during my first time listening to it :) even tho no one’s gonna read this

i’m lowkey comparing it to red because of the amount of people from secret sessions saying it’s better than red and red has been my favorite since well.. 2012

and i’m gonna include my rankings at the end

…READY FOR IT

(i think this only fits as the first track because i don’t see where else it would fit in with the album)

personally only like the chorus of this song but i 100% stan the music video of course and my WIG flew //

END GAME

BITHC DFJSJKFHD i personally love taylor’s parts and i of course love ed’s parts although this is quite a contrast to everything has changed, but nonetheless i love the beat and i love the concept of the song.

“i swear i don’t love drama, it loves me” my WIG MF FLEW MISS SWIFT.

//

I DID SOMETHING BAD

“if a man talks shit then i owe him nothing” OH YES HONEY. THDJSHVJKSDC THIS SONG IS GIVING ME GOOSEBUMPS SIS THE CHORUS HAS ME QUAKING ALL THE WAY TO PLUTO.

THE BEAT DROP DURING THE CHORUS GIVES ME EVEN MORE GOOSEBUMPS EVERYTIME IT PLAYS IF THATS EVEN POSSIBLE DJFSJDK

THIS IS 100% ON MY TOP 5 FOR BOPS. I’D BOP TO THIS EVERYDAY. AND THE BRIDGE EHFSFJEHUKJK

//

DON’T BLAME ME

“don’t blame me love made me crazy” honey… it made all of us crazy

idk for some reason the lyrics remind me of bey? i’m not really sure why

i ADORE HER VOICE IN THIS SONG.

i’m not really sure how i really overall feel about this song but i love the vocals in this song and i feel if i listened more closely to the lyric’s i could stan it more

//

DELICATE

the beginning. omg. imogen vibes??? yes. 

THE MF BEAT HSJKHEUWHERENJWKEK

OMGFDJKFS THE PRE-CHORUS FCUK ME???? DEADASS BYE

ISN’T IT DELICATE

“stay here i don’t wanna share” sdjfsdfhjuhfn i wanna cry because of that

“I PRETEND YOU’RE MINE ALL THE DAMN TIME” THAT’S THR BIGGEST MOOD KFJSKND

this song is def calmer than the rest of these songs

//

LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO

i remember when this dropped and how shook i was

and i remember shaking when the chorus came on bC JDSKFK

I CAN ALREADY TELL THIS IS GONNA HAVE SOME BOMB ASS CHOREO ON TOUR

i can def see why this was chosen to be the first/comeback single because of what the concept of the song is (i mean i think everyone does)

and from this song i was kinda expecting an album about well.. her reputation.. i guess?? but after the other two singles i wasn’t too sure what was coming BUT

NONETHELESS i adore this song and it honestly feels a little short in comparison to the rest

//

SO IT GOES…

in the beginning i was a little iffy about the chorus but i love the verses.

“i make all your grey days clear” “I’m so chill but you make me jealous”

“but I got your heart skipping when i’m gone”

WOW MISS SWIFT REALLY MADE MY WIG FLY WITH THESE LINES. NGL.

but listening to these lyrics help realize how the chorus fits in

side note: when i first saw the track list i honestly thought of you are in love (which is my favorite song from 1989) and the verse where she says “and so it goes, you two are dancing in a snow globe round and round”)

//

GORGEOUS

i love the concept of this song but i don’t know if i LOVE it,, does that make any sense??

and i loved reading people’s posts on twitter/tumblr about their conspiracy theories of this song

and i relate to this song when i see ppl who r beautiful but i’m too much of a pussy to say shit to them

and i wish i knew why she chose this as a single

//

GETAWAY CAR

wow. just wow. THSEJFEHNRJRE THE FUKCJNGJBN BEGINNING OH MYOOGFDI I WANNA CRY

THIS SOBNG IS SO GOOD WOW

“i wanted to leave him, i needed a reason” 

THE FUCKING CHORUS I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT

I LOVE THE VIBES THIS SONG GIVES OFF

THE TYPE OF MUSIC ID LISTEN TO DURING A ROADTRIP TBH?? AND NOT JUST BC OF THE TITLE

but wow i love her voice in this song jsjfnejr it reminds me of something but i can’t put my finger on it

“there were sirens in the beat of your heart” oH MY GOD this line. 

THE BRIDGE WOW IM LITERALLY IN TEARS RIGHR NOW

THINK ABOUT THE WHERE PLACE YOU FIRST MET ME

NO NOTHING GOOD STARTS IN A GETAWAY CAR

//

KING OF MY HEART

i love the beginning fuckfjd<3 though i.. don’t exactly like the beat but i do like the lyrics and i love how she told the ppl at ss how each lyric is a diff stage of her relationship. i love how she did that.

the chorus reminds me of getaway car a bit

change my priorities wow

i don’t know i just don’t really connect w this song but i think some of the lyrics are cute and soft like old taylor :)

//

DANCING WITH OUR HANDS TIED

the piano oh?? THE BEAT OH???

JDSJDFSB THE LYRICS OH MY GOD

“deep blue but you painted me golden / oh and you held me close / ooh how was i to know” HSKJFWEH WOWOWWOOW

I HAD A BAD FEELING

QUEEN TAYLOR IS SHAKING ME

i loved you in spite of deep fears that the world would divide us

i love.

//

DRESS

“they got no idea about me and you” wow you right.. we didn’t have any idea sis :( 

I LOVE HER VOICE IN THE BEGINNING BABY YES TAYLOR

only bought this dress so you could take it off

anyone thinks that they know us but they know nothing about all of this silence and patience panic and anticipation my hands are shaking from holding back from you

I honestly love how this song is about sex lmao

nonetheless i love the beat and feel of this song:)

AND THE BRIDGE TOOK MY BREATH AWAY. i would say wig flew but she took that during the first 3 seconds of end game

//

THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS

okay the beginning,, i thought it was an ad so imma be honest and say i don’t like the beginning

this song gives me the vibe of we are young by fun., is it just me?? idk but that’s what i thought of during the verses vs the chorus you know??

if only you weren’t so shady,, this is why we can’t have nice things

ALRIGHT I LOVE HOW SHE DEDICATES THAT PART OF THE SONG TO PEOPLE WHERE SHES LIKE:

HERE’S A TOAST TO MY REAL FRIENDS WHO DON’T CARE ABOUT THE HE SAID SHE SAID

AND HERE’S TO MY BAAABYY (i love the way she says baby in this song it’s deadass so adorable) HE AIN’T READING WHAT THEY CALL ME LATELY

AND HERE’S TO MY MAMA HAD TO LISTEN TO ALL THIS DRAMA

AND HERE’S TO YOU BECAUSE FORGIVENESS IS A NICE THING TO DO– HAHAHA I CAN’T EVEN SAY THAT WITH A STRAIGHT FACE

I LOVE IT. I STAN. 

this song is so cute tbh

//

CALL IT WHAT YOU WANT

alright alright alright,, the fourth single of rep. probably my favorite single.

i love the contrast from this is why we can’t have nice things

and this song is so cuteeee and i love how she stays calling him her baby,, it’s the cutest thing and makes my heart go [<3<3<3]

and i know i make the same mistakes every time bridges burn i never learn at least i did one thing right lmao that line lowkey broke my heart 

this is the type of song you listen to when you’re in love tbh it’s so cute and the lyrics r like old taylor and i love it

not because he owns me, but because he really knows me

LOVES ME LIKE IM BRAND NEW I adore that lyric

//

NEW YEAR’S DAY

this song is so cute wow. it’s so different from the rest of the album though and i feel like it’d be a deluxe song, but NONETHELESS IM IN LOVE WITH THIS SONG WOW

squeeze my hand three times in the back of the taxi

please don’t ever become a stranger whose laugh i can recognize anywhere

this song is deadass so cute oh my god i love how she shows her soft side in this song

HOLD ON TO THESE MEMORIES

that reminded me of long live oh my god i’m trying not to get emo ab that

CANDLE WAX AND POLAROIDS ON THE HARDWOOD FLOOR - YOU AND ME FOREVERMORE

this is the most og taylor swift song on the album and the type of song that captured my heart all those years ago and wow. i just love it.

//

overall i love this album more than i thought i would because,, well to be quite honest i kind of grew apart 1989 and thought this would just push me away further but it definitely did not. no, it’s not your typical taylor swift cheesy heartbreak songs, but it’s different and that’s what i love about it. is it better than red? once i get more into the lyrics and the concepts behind all of the songs i think i’ll determine my opinion on that.

one thing i really loved about this album is how it’s not just about her heartbreak and the hell and the pain she’s been through with the last relationship she was in (of course there’s that in this album but it’s so much more), it’s also about her well, reputation, and how she feels in her current one. i can tell how happy she is right now and i can already feel her smiles through the songs, the smiles she probably had during the recording of this album.

i love the change of style that came out of the 3 year hiatus

and now here’s my rankings (for now at least)

- getaway car

- i did something bad 

- delicate

- dress

- dancing with our hands tied

- new year’s day

- king of my heart 

- don’t blame me

- end game

- call it what you want

- gorgeous

- ready for it

- this is why we can’t have nice things

- so it goes

- look what you made me do

[imyourtrigger]

Tonight I might kill myself

It all started when I was a little girl and no matter what my mother says, I feel that my childhood has been taken away from me at a very young age.

My father was a drug addict and a theif. At age 6 six or maybe even before, my parents had a huge fight, there was broken glass everywhere, screams and curses. One by one my parents broke plate by plate, glass by glass, until there was nothing left. I was so young, that all I can do is to try to call my grandmother on our big and yellow 90s phone. When my father saw that, he came, took it away from me and threw it to the wall. Yellow plastic was everywhere and I felt that I am going to be the next one to meet the wall.

My father was a great father first years of my life. He was always thoughtful, loving and caring. I felt that I get more love from him, than from the woman who gave birth to me. I don’t think she is bad and never thought, her life was a mess, her parents was strict, her father was violent, she had me by accident and her husband was an abusive drug addict.

But this day I will remember for my whole life, the day that my father became violent towards me. And that day, that day when he left the house, the last thing I wanted is to stand in front of him begging not to leave, as I used to do every other fight they had. So for the first time he left the house because I didn’t stopped him.

Time went by, and minute by minute, second by second my life became hell. Of course, there is people that in way worse condition than me, people that live through hell every day and it is so selfish to say that my life is bad, but I believe that everyone have their own kind of hell.

One day, I think I was about 7-8 years old, I sat at my grandparents house, doing my homework with my cousin. I heard that my mom came home, and when I saw her my mind went all crazy. She told me that we are moving to my grandparents. No explanation, no saying goodbye to my friends, to my room, to my house... At first I was so happy, who’s not happy to live with their loving grandparents every single day? Sadly no one told me that there is a huge difference between living with them to visiting them on Sundays.

I am 23 now, and trully, all I wish is a second to get to that place where I grew in. To walk on the street where my parents used to walk with me. To look at the playground where my father with few others builded a swings for us (it was pretty poor neighborhood so at our playground we used to have only rocks and sand). All I want is to go there and breath in what have left of my childhood.

So, me, my mother and my little brother mooved to my grandparents house. At first they where all welcoming and loving, but then it all faded away. My grandfather was and alcoholic, so that was new to me. I did not had a room and slept with my grandma, but I was little and didnt really care about that. And then my mother had to find a job.

So while my father was a part time in jail and when not, came to see us once in never and did not paid his alimony... My mother was working her ass off at some job where she had to be out of the house for a month, every second month.

So when she was away, I had to be a responsible big sister and to take care of my little brother. I did all I had to and all I did not wanted to. If I had to go out and look after my brother playing in the sand instead of ... I don’t know, doing my homework, watching a tv, playing with my friends or whatever I did that. Dishes? Done that everyday. Clean the house? Been there, done that every day. Now it might look like something minor, but I was only like 8 years old.

Oh did I forgot to tell that my cousin was prefered by everyone including my mother? Well that how it was since I was born. You cant unsee things sometimes, especially when your grand grand mother taking her in another room, giving her the whole damn toys r us, and you sitting there and coloring the damn colorbook your mother drew for you cuz you didnt had any money. Oh and that cutted postcard puzzles was fun tho

Oh and my mom used to beat the shit out of me every other day when my brother and my big cousin was the fckn angeles just because they breathe.

At age 11 we moved to another country. The one thing I asked is to go to our old place and say goodbye to.. um it, and the memories I had. And guess what? It did not happened. Not because we had no time or anything, we had plenty, we even made a video of us going through the town to our favorite places, you know to remember our country... But not mine, even if it was on the way.

So gladly (at least that what I thought), my mom, me and my brother moved to a whole new country, where my hell just expanded.

When we moved here, we had to leave with my grandma’s sister and her husband for a month. They werent happy, so they made us unhappy too. They had two sons, my uncles, one of them lived in the same town. Lets call him Sam.

Uncle Sam reminded me of my father. Same looks, same mind, but I felt that he wasnt gonna leave me. Just as a little girl I wanted to have a man figure in my life, that could protect me if needed.

So uncle Sam had a son, my cousin, who was a big, hugeeeee shit. He used to be the only child, so probably he felt that me and my brother taking it away, his mother was a shit too, lets call her Midge.

So Midge told uncle Sam to stay away from us. But he didnt needed to, we felt unwanted enough. We moved to a one room apartment and stayed away from them.

Life didnt became easier, because little children are super cruel. I started 5th grade and my little brother was at 1st. We both were bullied. The names they called us, the things they did to us, girls that I thought was my friends made my their maid. Literally. They were coming to my house, made me feed them the food my mom was counting, because we had no money, made me do everything they wanted, and then used to lock me in the shower and didnt let me out untill I screamed because the water was hot that it left it marks on my body. When they was leaving I had to clean the house, sometimes I had no time before my mother was back home, so she was hurting me in all the way she could.

I still have scars, not all of them are physical. When she saw that half of the food were gone, the screams became fists and my tears became blood. Sometimes I felt numb and sometimes I felt that I am loosing my will to live.

For how long I remember myself, I was always trying to please the people around me. They could be friends, family or people at work, it always felt like a second job, where my mind had to work extra hours.

Maybe that was because I was afraid to be beaten, maybe that was because I was afraid that they will leave me, just like my father did.

At my birthday I called my father. His stepmother answered and told me that he is not interested and that I should leave them alone. This number didnt worked afterwards. And a few years later we talked over a social media where he told some not so nice stuff and ended it with “I’ll have better children than you”.

So back to junior school where everyone was a peasant. My brother was trying to stay close to me, and everyone was laughing at us, so I decided that instead of trying to get my shit together I have to help him. Every brake I was taking him to the playground, him and a bunch of other lonely kids, those who was bullied, those who had no friends... I am pretty sure that half of the games were invented by me. So for two years I kept this children busy, so they all became friends and werent ao lonely anymore.

I still tried to do my best at the school, where I had to learn new language and to deal with bullies and at home, to please my mother, who was coming everyday back from work, and beating me no matter what. I get that it was big on her. New country, new language, new people... It was scary and she felt also lonely, but I was not supposed to be anyones punching bag. I did not deserved it.

So that how my school years went... All same pattern, sometimes better, sometimes worse. So many heartbreaks, always toxic friendships. I started to work at a very young age, tried to give almost all of the money to my mother, but it still wasnt enough.

I was cutting myself for so long... The cuts became deeper and the will to live started to fade away. But still I had no guts to kill myself. Every fight I knew, that the next will be worse and maybe the next will become the last. Maybe today was the last.

A few years ago my mother stopped beating me, maybe thats because Im taller, because I grew up and she is afraid I can slap her back?

My brother became the most annoying thing on earth. Through junior high, I was still with him on my brakes, trying to make his life easier, every time anyone had a bad word to say I was there to protect him. Karate? Paid for it. Swimming lessons? Paid for it. New toys? New computer games? Gadget? A new phone? Done it all.

Even while I was at the army, getting the shittier salary you could imagine, working my ass off at two jobs, giving my mother some money, paying for his shit and his super expensive swimming lessons, trying to give him everything we couldn’t afford for me,

Somehow, I am still a bad daughter and a bad sister.

I just getting really tired of that “You blame everyone, when you should look in the mirror” shit.

I took them abroad two times. Paid for everything. And I mean everything. Every shit they wanted, and oh no, they had no shame in wanting the most expensive things on earth, like Im a fucking millionaire. And now when I broke and still manage to pay the bills at home and still take them abroad, but ask my brother to pay with me cuz he has a job and a decent salary I AM THE FUCKING BAD PERSON

LIKE HOW COULD I THINK THAT A PERSON I GAVE ALL MY LOVE TO, A PERSON I AM EVERY DAY LOOKING OUT FOR WHILE HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW THAT BECAUSE I DONT LOOK FOR A CREDIT A PERSON THAT STARTED TO WORK AT AGE OF 18 FOR FUN WHILE I AM WORKING FROM 12 TO PAY FOR HIM HOW COULD I THE WORSE PERSON ON THE WHOLE PLANET TO ASK HIM TO PAY FOR HIMSELF

Wow

Oh, uncle Sam died and that was devastating

The saddest thing is he died because he was lonely and his heart was broken

His parents, they moved to another country to his brother, his brother didnt wanted him, his wife left him and he was all alone

I wish, I wish he could inly knew how deeply I cared for him, how I wanted us to be closer, how good he was... It truly broke my heart in a million pieces.

His mother (my grandmas sister) came back here and passed away also. And her husband couldnt leave back because of the loan he had here

He went to live at Midges house then she kicked him and guess what? Hes sleeping in my mother’s bed

AND SOMEHOW I AM THE BAD PERSON AGAIN

HOW CAN I BE MAD AT A PERSON WHO MADE MY FAMILYS LIFE A LIVING HELL BUT AS WE SWITCH ROLES I HAVE TO BE I BIGGER PERSON AND ACCEPT HIS HOMELESS ASS HERE

I am very loving and caring person. But nobody has done that for me. He would never help me, and I know that for sure. He was screaming at me, he was trying to beat my little brother and now I have to accept that he is, an alcoholic, abusive person sleeping in my mothers bed, and she has to sleep with me? (Thats not the problem ofcourse, I love my mom no matter what)

And when he finally leaves, even tho I tried to be nice, and prepared him food and showed him how to use the tv and shit, my mom tells me that I am a bad person? Sorry that my life teached me that people will use your good heart against you.

I finally felt like I am mentally stable, that I am me, the good me. Not the depressed cutting wanting to die me. Finally had my shit together and felt so happy about it. I had my skin care routine after work, had my half hour to write in the diary and my 1 episode per night before bed routine that made me so fucking happy and glowing, and then the person that made me only bad comes and ruins it all and I have to accept that?

I finally made it, made it to the top of me where all I wanted is to live, where all I was is happy, and instead of understanding that, or at least carring about your daughter’s mental health and I dont know, even speaking with me about that, you just throw this shit at my face.

“You need to be tested”

“You are crazy”

“I wish I didnt had you”

Instead of

“Are you okay, do you want to talk about that?”

“Do you want to see a professional? I will support you”

“I dont know what I would do without you”

It just hurts that when you try to talk about maybe having a problem or when you try to speak your mind, or when you talk about your feelings to the person you care about the most... You got to be called a drama, you didnt get to even finish the sentencse... Somehow the problem is always in me and my feelings.

It hurts when your brother doesn’t care as you did and do about him.

It hurts that things that are important for you doesnt counted as important at all.

It hurts that your feelings not important.

You are not important.

That your sacrifices aren’t sacrifices.

And if you try to talk about yourself, you are selfish.

People say that no matter what’s happening, your family, your home, is the place that you can be you in it. A place where you are not judged.

Well, my family doesn’t count.

So maybe its better not to be counted at all.

[swearronchanel]

6.08, my last commentary™ R I P to me

I wanted to post this right away but my phone died and I broke my charger so I had to handle that but now I’m finally able to. I’m literally dead, I STILL can not process how amazing it was. So I’ll just get on with it post my earlier thoughts  

¡¡TODAY IS THE DAY AHH!! IM FREAKING LATE KILL ME

BUT HOW ARE WE ALREADY HERE? IM NOT READY FOR THIS SERIES TO END BUT I NEED TO SEE SHELGAH *SAFELY* GIVE BIRTH TO A HEALTHY BABY. ANYWAY IM LITERALLY GOING TO DIE AFTER THIS EPISODE SO ENJOY THE FINAL THOUGHTS OF MY LIFE, LETS GET IT ..

MY HEART IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE ITS BEATING SO FAST

TBH I MIGHT SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST

SCREW THESE CREDITS BUT I NEED THEM BC IM NOT READY OMG

IM SCREAMING

aw baby! & hey val

Does this mean Delia had No letters from pats this whole time??

MY BBY SHELAGH OMG HER BELLY

SHE CANT REACH HER SHOE OMG SO PRECIOUS THOUGH

Sister MJ I love u 😭😂

Family planning clinic!

YES VAL! they’re women not criminals !!

YES TRIXIE THANKS BBY FOR SPEAKING UP

aww poor Barbara

“..There are tales of missionaries served for luncheon in those climes” LMAO OMG SISTER MJ THATS NOT WHAT SHE NEEDS TO HEAR RIGHT NOW

It’s so sweet that Babs really wants her dad, I feel. My grandfather officiated my parents’ and brother’s wedding, I hope he does mine. If someone wants to marry me one day ofc lol 😂😭

SHELAGH IS ACTUALLY YELLING .. WHY DO I LOVE IT?

All the shit she’s been through/delt with and pregnancy sets her off huh..

BUT TRIXE AND SHEALGH INTERACTING YESS NOT THE WAY I WANTED BUT ILL TAKE IT FOR NOW

AWW MY BBY CRYING SOMEONE HUG HER 😭😭💕💕

MY BBY TRIXIE IS SMIRKING AT MY OTHER BBY LOL STOP 😭😭💔

“Hot and bothered” 😭😂 Violet having hot flashes. That’s not funny but i giggled I’m sorry immature of me

I can’t imagine being around when the pill was just coming out(or antibiotics even) like that must have been so wild ? you really would think they were magic *remember Vanessa Redgrave saying that in series 2?*

my mom is a nurse at a gyn/fertility office and she informed me of so much at a young age lol maybe that’s why I’m so curious idk?

lol I remember being like 13 and my friends didn’t know there was more than just the pill when it came to birth control and I really felt I was an expert😂 but *a judge’s voice* irrelevance moving on.

Needing your husbands permisson for a bank account? *sucks teeth* Vete ya!

Aw my bby shelagh 💔💔😭

“And I’ll warrant you’ve never felt more scared” I AM! AND THIS ISNT EVEN MY FICTIONAL PREGNANCY

“Oh lass“😭 PHYLLIS COMFORTING HER OMG I AM CRYING ALREADY, I NEVER KNEW I WANTED THIS

"Phyllis you’ve been a real friend” IM NOT OKAY OMG, THEY’VE COME SO FAR I CRY

OMG SHELAGH BEING SO CUTE WTF OMGGG 💖

PROTECT MY BBY & HER BABY AT ALL COSTS 💕💕

THE NONNATUNs CHEERING SO PURE 😭

“What if something goes wrong?” stop tempting fate Patrick !!

“I’ve made up my mind” MY BBY I CANT DEAL .. once upon a time she couldn’t speak up and was so timid 😭 my bby has grown

Her lipstick is a nice color, wait what’s this lady’s name?

The nurses all together makes me so happy omg why is this so adorable, even Phyllis is there !! SO PURE💕

Lol poor Fred tries his best !

Damn secondment to st Cuthberts, I guess Trixie couldn’t even be considered for to be Shelagh’s midwife

SHELAGH IN THE CARDIGAN >>

OF COURSE SHE CHOSE SISTER JULIENNE WE WOULDN’T HAVE ACCEPTED IT ANY OTHER WAY

“‘MY DEAR” BRB DROWNING IN TEARS

but omg was Phyllis disappointed 😭 no don’t be hurt that’s her basically her mother! (sister j and Phyllis would’ve been a good tag team though)

this montage just reminds me brb #irresponsibleme

Future Hereward’s take a note from the Turners, find out about each other sooner rather than later

LOL TOM’S AWKWARD FACE BC BABS IS GETTING CONTRACEPTION

it’s Wilma! her name is Wilma, noted.

Lol what does she sell? Is the company like Avon ? 😂I’m confused but also screaming too much internally

poor Babs is so nervous and feeling awkward 😂

Her face while on the bed😂 I feel

LMAO BABS TAKING OUT THE DIAPHRAGM & DROPPING IT HA

BUT WAIT THAT WAS THE TURNERS BATHROOM WTF ??

Patrick putting on or tying Shelagh’s shoes my fucking heart is melting

She doesn’t want him there .. for now?

“..We’re a team” 😭😭💕💕 marriage goals

“The minute I look at you I’ll give you everything you ask for” BRB I AM INDEED GOING TO SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST

I CAN NOT DEAL

Phyllis exercising 😭😂

“I have chosen one of my friends” OMG MY HEART

PHYLLIS BE MY BRIDESMAID !??

why does she only have one though? is it more like a maid of honor?

HERES COME MORE TEARS

THE SPANISH AYE DIOS MI CORAZON

Aw good for Wilma being happy with her job! Does everyone call the sofa the settee?

There’s that babycham! Still was never sure if it was alcoholic or nah? sparkling cider maybe?

OMG I HAVE A BOTTLE IN MY BAG THAT I BROUGHT FROM FLORIDA

new drinking came, shots every time the show makes you cry lol jk i’d be on the floor 20 mins in 

that sports car aye

My bby looking good 😍😍

she knows what it’s like to be hurt Christopher😭

You’re not supposed to take 3 at a time Wilma, I’ve been scolded enough

Okay so Babs just fell asleep and that’s all?? Preview made it seem more dramatic

Now is Val going to listen and not touch anything? lol probably

Violet always rocking blue eyeshadow haha

Is that a silicone faja?? that looks hella uncomfortable

TRIXIE’S FACE OF DISGUST HAHA

OMG THE FAM HELPING OUT WITH FUNDS MY HEART

I WANT TO BE APART OF THE NONNATUS FAMILY!

PHYLLIS AND BABS DRESS SHOPPING I LOVE THIS

“.. she’ll have me to reckon with”  TE QUERIO MUCHO PHYLLIS

I NEED A PHYLLIS IN MY LIFE

SHE HAS A FAV DRESS OMG I LOVE HER

HER FACE OMG I NEED THAT SCREENSHOTTED

SHELAGH MY BBY😭😭

Their new bedroom is so 60s I love it

She still didn’t read the pamphlet !! I love her omg, such pure intentions

OMG SISTER J REMINISCING, AH FINALLY SOME ACKNOWLEDGEMENT THAT SHE WAS A NUN, I AM SOBBING BYEE IM DYING. MY HEART RATE IS SLOWING DOWN

POOR DEELS AW OMG she doesn’t deserve this, she barely has screen time don’t hurt her 

Shealgh’s got another nightgown! 1962/2017 is apparently the year of nighties #thebrinylonforthewinthough

I love pink waffers 😭😂

SHIT WHAT’S WRONG WITH WILMA IM SCARED, IS IT A HEART ATTACK?? BLOOD CLOT??

poor vi!! aww she misses reggie too!

AW FRED HUG HER

and he’s fanning her omg so pure

SHEALGH’S GOING IN TO LABOR ?? AHHHHH OMGG IM NOT READY

but also she has a housecoat how cute

SISTER J SAID “HIS SPINE” OMG HOW DOES SHE KNOW ALREADY

“I knew it” bless u bby😭😭 she is a GEM. WHY IS SHE SO LOVABLE?

omg Wilma don’t die, Trixie can u save her 😭

shit not looking good, maybe this was the death they meant

shelagh throwing up yikes

“She’s smiling and waving” yea we know that smiling and waving😂😂 but omg doesn’t this remind anyone of when you’ve been partying too hard but you’re trying to convince your friends that you’re not ready to tap out yet😂😭

if not nevermind I’ll feel trashy lmaoo

PASS THAT GAS AND AIR SISTER J

AW BBY YOU ARE BRAVE!!!!!!!

IM CRYING BUT RUNNING OUT OF TEARS

HOW TF DOES LAURA LOOK GORGEOUS ALL SWEATY AND IN TEARS WHILE PRETENDING TO BE IN LABOR?? & i’m still a creature?

Poor Patrick! He must be going as crazy as I am!

I DONT HAVE ASTHMA BUT I NEED AN INHALER BC I CANT BREATHE IM SO ANXIOUS OMG

IM NOT A SMOKER BUT I FEEL LIKE I NEED A CIGG BC IM ABOUT TO LOSE IT

Trixie is doing Wilma’s makeup omg I can’t take this 😭💔💔

“I can’t believe I used to dream of this” OMG SHELAGH & SISTER J

“Every woman alive is the sum of all she ever did, and felt, and was.” ..“and how do you know that?” ..“ i wasn’t aware that I did until just now”

¡¡¡IM A W R E C K!!! l o v e that

SHE IS SINGING DORIS DAY’s SECRET LOVE AND I AM F*CKING DEAD GOODBYE

PATRICK SINGING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR SOMEONE SEND H E L P IM DYING I BET IT’S “THEIR SONG” & YOU ARE ALL CORDIALLY INVITED TO MY FUNERAL IMMEDIATELY AFTER THIS EPISODE  

I’M NOT GONNA MAKE IT

“We can’t just be like any other couple.. because we’re us”

MY HEART WTF I SWEAR IT IS ABOUT TO BURST BUT IT’S NOT BEATING

IM DEAD INSIDE AND MY BODY WILL FOLLOW WHEN THIS IS OVER

Get in there Patrick!

“The children are here” .. to say goodnight omg no😢

OMG PATRICK HOLDING HER I AM FUCKING SCREAMING

“YOU CLEVER GIRL” OMGG WHO CALLED IT

I CANT SEE WHATS HAPPENING TOO MANY TEARS IN MY EYES

IT’S A BOY I KNEW IT WELL I HAD A FEELING !

BABYTURNERLAND 2.0!!!! QUE LINDO DIOS TE BENDIGA 💖👼🏼

WHAT IS HIS NAME???

THIS IS THE BEST EPISODE OF MY LIFE WOW I CANT PROCESS IT ALL

“May the lord bless you and keep you” OMGGG, JESUS HEIDI WTF ARE YOU DOING TO ME ??!! I’ve never been so invested in a show or fictional characters’ lives like this 😭😭

I NEVER THOUGHT WE’D SEE THIS DAY AND IM HAVING SO MANY FEELS, I BARELY HAVE ANY THOUGHTS I AM S h o o k, I AM NOTHING IN THIS WORLD. JUST USELESS TRASH FOR CTM

WELL, ALMOST 19 YEARS OF LIVING WAS GOOD ENOUGH RIGHT?

HONESTLY JUST PUT ME IN THE GARBAGE BC I HAVE NOTHING OF SUBSTANCE TO SAY IM JUST GUSHING AND DYING

BUT SERIOUSLY LAURA MAIN IS I N C R E D I B L E AND DESERVES EVERY AWARD SO PLEASE GET IT TOGETHER @ THE EMMYS, THE SAGS, THE GOLDEN GLOBES & ALL OTHER AWARDS OF ALL PRESTIGE!!  STOP PLAYING GAMES & GIVE LAURA + CTM THE RECOGNITION IT DESERVES  !! & no excuses it happened for downton!

NO WILMA IS DEAD NO

The pill is so great and useful and miraculous in a way but I’m glad they showed some of its issues but DID THEY REALLY HAVE TO KILL THE FIRST WOMEN THEY GAVE IT TO? I’m still here tho, I’m rolling

NO TOM DONT SAY THaT WTF? TRIXIE IS OVER U AND U ARE OVER HER don’t ruin the moment

why did I think bab’s dad was the rev Applebee Thornton 😭😂😂😂?? where’s Jane lol

My bby trixie serving looks as always 😍😍

Aw his daughter is cute

CHRISTOPHER LOOKS GOOD TOO UGH😍

What are knickerbocker glories?

lol Boots! lowkey want to go there to satisfy my 15 year old self who liked to watch British youtubers affordable makeup videos (tbh I still do when I’m bored)

REGGIE! OMG HE CALLED VI MUM I DIE

OH YEA THE WEDDING OMG LOL I DONT FORGOT FOR A SEC

IM STILL SCREAMING, MY FREAKING BBY JUST HAD A MIRACLE BABY !!!!! I LEGIT RAN OUT OF TEARS WHAT DO I DO

LOOK HOW FAR WE HAVE COME MY GOD

THE GIRLS SINGING “HAPPY WEDDING DAY” TO BABS OMG THAT WAS GREAT, I NEED FRIENDS LIKE THAT

I NEED TO WATCH THIS AGAIN AND IT DIDNT FINISH YET

LMAO TOM AND FRED HUNGOVER, relatable AF😂😭

SO IS TOM’S SURPRISE IS MONEY? Or is he going to buy her something!?

Barbara’s cape reminds me of Phoebe’s from FRIENDS

The stain glass !! love it

PHYLLIS LOOKS SO ADORABLE OMG HER BOUCLE SUIT AW

WHY A HEADBAND ON YOUR WEDDING DAY BABs? BUT good for them lol 😭 I don’t care enough at the moment  but let them be happy they’re so great for each other !

HE GOT A FUCKING CAROUSEL OMG

damn. Nice one Tom. I’m a little jealous, someone needs to love me like that.😭

“At times, the present seems most perfect when it seeds lie in the past. And others, life is rendered flawless when we look towards future, glimpsing from within one golden moment all the joys the days to come might hold�� 💕😢😭

THE TURNERS, NOW A FAMILY OF 5 OMGGGGGGG 😭😭

THE NUNS SO PURE ❣️ lol obviously

“We can not stand still because the world keeps turning. Every year must give way to the next and it’s stories must be folded, tucked away like children’s clothes outgrown, cherished and never quite forgotten”

VANNESSA ALWAYS SAYS THE RIGHT THINGS UGH

Aw Angela with Tim!

My BBY SHELAGH IN HER BLUE OUTFIT WITH UNNAMED BABY TURNER ID CRY IF I COULD

“1962 was a year of great change at Nonnatus House, but there���s always change, everywhere, there are always new faces, new tears to shed, new joys to invest in , yet the circle of love is not broken, it expands.” YOU GOT THAT RIGHT🙏🏼👏🏼🙌🏻😭😭😢😢💖💖

I NEED THE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL LIKE TOMORROW PLEASE

lol Val screaming it’s snowing 😭 same

PATSY!!!

SHE AND DELIA KISSED OMG

GOOD FOR THEM 😭

ALSO GOOD FOR ME bc I was tired of the same complaints that BBC broke them apart and Patsy was “sent away” nah man Emerald was busy!

“Love bares all things, love believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things and love never ends”

THIS WAS INCREDIBLE WOW IM A MESS

IF I DIDNT KNOW THEY WERE COMMISSONED FOR 3 MORE SERIES I’D THINK THIS WAS THE END??

BUT UGH NOW WE MUST WAIT

ANYWAY I SEE THE LIGHT FOLKS

IDK IF THIS IS HELL OR HEAVEN BUT I AM DEAD, I SEE THE EARTH BEHIND ME

TBH ITS PROB HELL

Someone throw me in the damn ground already!!

In loving memory of Gabby Nuñez (1998-2017) taken far too soon because of the emotional toll brought by call the midwife, she didn’t choose to get so emotionally invested it just happened. She is grateful for her time on earth, you may leave comments, flowers or send money. Thank you for putting up with her nonsense and foolishness *now someone give my eulogy & someone else may come up and sing a hymn to conclude*

[haeroniel-doliet]

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more. 

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya. 

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else. 

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm 

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah. 

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds....  ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other. 

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks) 

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!)  anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until.  yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...)  ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess) 

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade. 

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh. 

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.) 

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me)  but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that.... 

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too  ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that. 

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm  why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it-  idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk. 

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first)  i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway 

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” ) 

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it. 

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is? 

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully.