#but also it is genuinely better for my mental health to just. get positive feedback and interact with people in a nice way

[wander-wren]

me: i don’t wanna be a cog in the capitalist machine!! my job doesn’t care about me and i literally don’t get paid enough to care about it!!

the part of me relentlessly scrutinized for being the family fuckup: but,,,,when i do good job customers like me,,,,when i do extra managers think i’m the best,,,,

[ashes-of-the-golden-stars]

1. The guy I heve crush on came to my mind he doesn't know me so he definitely doesn't like me.

2. Love in the time of socialism

3. No. The emotional component is very important for me in physical intimacy so I never really go for casual detached sex, it doesn't give me any pleasure.

4. Make a positive impact on society and help people in a significant way.

5. I want somebody to really love me for exactly who I am, they shouldn't try to change me they should me accept me as I am quirks and flaws and all. I would want them to be there for me for the rest of my life through thick and thin and always support me in my endeavours and encourage me and constantly push me to be a better version of myself.

6. Umm when I was in a really bad time in my life and and my mental health was in a really bad state I was away from home living in a different city at the time and I was having some really dark thoughts and then covid happend I got the opportunity to go back home and get better. I consdier it a miracle because I dont know what would have happend to me if I stayed there. I probably would have gotten worse and had a mental breakdown or something..I still consider myself very lucky. I genuinely feel that God swooped in and brought me out of that difficult situation and I got the proper medical attention to imrovee. After that And I had my parents by my side too.

7. I think love is one of the most powerful emotions experienced by huamn beings. Its absolutely essential for every human being to have love in their lives, we cannot survive without it. It's what keeps our families together, glues our society together its what keeps things from falling apart even when there is so much hate in the world. But love has a dark side to it too and people do stupid things in the name of love. But its beautiful too.

8. There are many I wish I stopped being such a pessimist and started focusing on the good things.

9. I felt very hurt and betrayed by the beahvious of certain people in the past but its definitely taught me many important lessons and its made me more wary of whom to trust and a stronger person.

10. The same as above. I felt very betrayed by my parents due to certain things that happend to me in the past. Its not that they purposely hurt me or something, their intentions have always been good, its just thag during a particular point in my life they weren't there for me when I needed them the most and they were a little ignorant and negelctful or certian thing si wnr tthorugh and I felt very betrayed a that point.

11. When people encourage me give positive feedback it always motivates me to do better. If they constantly criticize me and don't recognize my efforts it only demotivates me.

25. Exploring this woody area behind my house when it was snowing in my childhood ( I was ten or eleven I think) . First of all the forest looked so beautiful, it was the first snow of the winter I think and there was a sheet of freshly fallen snow on the ground, and icicles on the trees and then it was snowing so heavily. My friends and I made wands out of chopsticks and and we played this pretend harry Potter game lol 😛 It was so fun and I remember that was one of the happiest moments of my life.

18. I would tell them they that I'm doing amazingly well without them.

19. Out in nature, hiking trekking etc.

20. I like reading fantast, watching g movies tv shows like a lot. I also like to escape while ositening to my favorite classical music pieces.

Deep questions

1. Do they really love you? Who came to your mind when I asked that?

2. What's a song that you wish more people knew about?

3. Can you have sex without feelings?

4. What is the one thing that you wish to do before you die?

5. How do you want to be loved?

6. Whats something in your life that you consider a miracle?

7. What do you think love is?

8. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?

9. What's one thing that's happened to you that has made you a stronger person?

10. What's the most pain you've been in, that wasn't physical?

11. What brings out the best in you? What brings out the worst?

12. What's a childhood dream you never got to accomplish?

13. When you lay in bed at night, what do you think about?

14. What's a quality your parents have that you admire?

15. If this was the story of your life, what chapter would you call this?

16. What's your baggage?

17. What still excites you?

18. If you could say anything to the person who hurt you most, what would you say?

19. Where is one place you feel most like yourself?

20. Where is your favorite place to escape to?

21. If you had one day left to live, what would you do first?

22. Who is the one person in this world that knows you best?

23. What are your life goals?

24. What's something you like about yourself that you wish more people recognized?

25. What are your core memories?

[vicxy]

Hello, fellow follower here

I hope you address this responsibly. You’ve been constantly problematic. I know you are trying to clear/call out irrelevances in the community and I totally understand. But you need to understand that you cannot cause drama out of posts people are totally unbothered about. The ‘good and bad’ signs op clearly was un-intelligenble, and you as an astrology account had to handle properly, without attacking them, but rather brushing the bull off, or if you’re feeling humble or kind maybe give a little knowledge and also for people out there who had no idea perhaps pre-existent In your followers. However I’m speaking generally. we are bothered seeing you helplessly combat these posts. You don’t have to immaturely cause a scene or drama. I’m a very very big fan of your blog since it’s genuinely been informative and progressive lately, but I’ve been slightly triggered at the negativity in the air your blog has had. Lately it’s been very unpeaceful and no positivity.... please think of others too, and how this causes nothing but stress and negativity. This for your sake, health and mental mind set as well. You need to provide a safer place for your audience. Please consider this feedback and helpful criticism. It’s very upsetting to see such a lovely blooming blog get dragged down by the negativity, others are here too. I in no way try to taunt you. But please take good care of the well-being of this blog

okay I see your point ? but firstly who is this "we" you're talking about bc I asked some of my followers and they don't agree with this so yeah

and "cannot cause drama out of posts people are completely unbothered about"

excuse me? I have a life outside of Tumblr. I don't have the time or energy to start drama here so you've got that completely wrong. and are you sure people are unbothered? @neptuniant , @dilfchaser69999 @rue-and-the-moon , @pistoletrose found the post problematic as well. As for the reasons, you can read it for yourself in @dilfchaser69999 's reblog. The main thing is, it's disgusting to generalize a zodiac sign into something so negative. Like you said, I as an astrology account, am I not responsible for holding such insensitive people accountable so it doesn't ruin this whole community due to the bullshit that's being spread in that post? I urge you to think again whether it's "unbothered" about. Not trying to be the martyr here or anything, but if we astro creators let this kind of shit go, what do you think is going to happen in the next few months / years? Misinformed people are going to parade around saying things like "pisces suns think everyone is out to get them" because of some people who can't think before they do something.

I could ignore it. I could leave it. Why put such negativity on myself anyway? But the thing is I care about this community. That's why I called them out. If you think by doing that I'm "spreading negativity" then feel free to leave.

Don't like being called out? Think calling out is a form of "negativity"? Then don't do dumb shit like post something that's blatantly biased and untrue.

I just held a game to appreciate all my followers so idk what negativity you're talking about. Honestly I didn't release 3 posts in one day just for people to say I'm negative because of one fucking post.

At the end of the day, I know i haven't done anything wrong. My followers still support me and I will continue to give back to them to show my appreciation. If you don't like me being straightforward with others then you can leave. Like I said there's other better creators out there which might fit your perception of unproblematic.

If you were genuinely concerned about the "negativity" I've been spreading, I would like to think that you would at least have asked me about it first? and not suddenly come in here with such a patronizing tone and expect a nice or "responsible" reply. Don't make me laugh.

[velvetyh]

If you're going to use that example-- people who do good mafia aus are people who do proper research. All I said was that you need to get better reference material for your sex scenes because it sounds like you watched bad porn or read fanfic from people who also didn't know what they were talking about when it came to sex. If you can't take hard criticism and just label it as hate no matter what you write you'll never get any better.

aaaand you're back, great!

then enlighten me about sources, things i could read/look up on the internet to get better at writing smut? because practice makes it perfect, have you ever heard of this saying in your life? no?

i never claimed to be good at what i was doing, never was i confident enough to say "my work was good". it has barely been a year since i started writing smut, so ig it's normal for me not to know everything about pleasure, sex positions etc... don't you think?

and you probably don't realise how many inexperienced writers there are on this platform, you would be impressed.

but you seem to be a connoisseur, an expert can i even dare to say, so give me examples! idk make me an essay or whatever, quote me parts, paragraphs, sentences of my fics that you think is "bad porn" and give me valid arguments on them.

also. there's a slight difference between hard criticism and constructive one. you should put forms, be nicer when you give feedback, im sure you wouldn't like someone else to use the tone you're using with me rn. since you seem to be an expert in mental health and emotions too, you can call me sensitive or whatever, but i genuinely don't appreciate how arrogant and snobby you are with me.

because, after all, you are just a little individual who isn't satisfied with what i write, and sadly, i cannot do anything about it. you might not be the only one in that case, but you're the only one who vocalises their dissatisfaction in a tone that i genuinely don't appreciate. i can't please anyone, nobody can please the whole world, so idk why i should please you specifically.

i just wanted to have fun on here, meet new people, try and experience a new genre of writing style, i never thought people - including you - would be this pressed to have an inexperienced person writing suggestive fics...

idk what else to tell you...

[ultimatetrashgoblin]

My thoughts on Immortal Heart Society

DISCLAIMER: These are my OPINIONS. I do not claim any of this as fact, you are allowed to disagree with me. (Spoilers for Cassius and Alanna season 1)

First impressions for this series could have been better. There are plenty of problems with this series so far that I will address, but for now, let’s focus on the positives.

The writing is beautiful. As an avid reader and writer, one of my biggest pet peeves is lazy and unimaginative writing. IHS had some incredibly written lines, and I was immediately hooked even if I hated the love interests.

(I don’t have many screenshots but here are a few I did take)

The plot is interesting. While the pacing is a bit off at times, I found the concept of a corrupt secret society intriguing, and the mysteries surrounding the father was enough to get me invested.

The Inner Circle is (mostly) likable. I’m a sucker for found family, and my favorite series on this app (EAA, QoT, GIL, etc.) will usually have plenty of group banter, and the Inner Circle is no exception. One of my favorite scenes in Alanna’s route was in Richard’s office when everyone realized Alanna and FMC were exes.

Kiran. No further explanation. Lovestruck let me date her please.

For the most part, IHS seems like a promising series. But of course, when you have plenty of amazing side characters who would make wonderful LIs, you decide to premiere your series with the arrogant asshole and the compulsive liar.

Cassius Tarkhan

I should probably begin by saying I’m usually not a fan of the “rude, snarky, arrogant” LIs and read Cassius’s route solely because I was excited for the new series. So please take what you’re about to read with a grain of salt, since I am probably extremely biased against him.

This is a direct quote from me reading Cassius’s first few episodes: “I want to punch this man in his stupid fucking face.” I said this out loud, which should give you an indication of what’s to come.

As far as first meetings go, Cassius was probably one of the worst. At first it was all “fun banter oh look at the chemistry” until he sees the invitation and becomes the most insufferable pricks I have ever seen. (I’m sorry, but was that supposed to be romantic?! If I were in FMC’s position, I would be terrified!)

Most of the season went by with Cassius being infuriating and not telling FMC anything, and me questioning if I was actually supposed to like the guy I was supposed to be romancing. The villain dude (I don’t care enough about him to try to remember his name) was boring and creepy. I also had a strong desire to punch him in the face, but I’ll settle for him turning to stone.

It wasn’t until the season finale that I actually started to like Cassius. He started to open up more to FMC, he showed vulnerability, and was generally more tolerable. Hopefully we’ll be able to see more of this Cassius in later seasons, because I believe that it might save his route and maybe I won’t want to punch him in the face as badly.

As for the ending, I’ve read the final episode multiple times and I’m still not exactly sure what happened in that final scene. Cassius tells FMC that he won’t let her meet with the Society on her own and then... is he about to kiss her? This is a genuine question I’m asking I honestly couldn’t tell. It seemed like he was going to but it was very unclear to me.

If I was going to rate this season as a whole, I’d give it a 3 out of 10. Hope to see better next season, because he does have the potential to be better, but that wasn’t shown until the end of the season.

Alanna McKenna

At first, I liked Alanna’s route. I was excited about have an LI who was an ex, she was attractive (except for that weird smirk expression what was that???), she was funny, and I’ve already talked about how much I love the writing.

Then the lying started. I’ve had the misfortune of dealing with my family, many of which are narcissistic pathological liars, so I consider myself pretty decent at figuring out patterns in their behavior. And Alanna fits them to a T.

Please note that I am in no way educated on this topic and do not have the authority to state anything as fact. I am making observations based on personal experience dealing with people like this, and I encourage you to view Alanna’s behavior for yourself and come up with your own conclusions.

My first red flag was the emotional manipulation. Near the beginning, this was in the form of flattery. If FMC started asking questions, Alanna would flirt with her, which would cause FMC to either become flustered or flirt back, both outcomes momentarily distracting her from the original topic.

To FMC’s credit, she does notice when Alanna starts deflecting (she mentions recognizing certain behaviors from when they were together), but she backs down. As someone who hates confrontation, I can understand FMC’s reasoning for this. I find trying to communicate certain issues with these people exhausting. It tends to feel like speaking to a broken record, and can become emotionally draining. However, this is the exact outcome that these people want. They hate being called out on their lies, and when pushed further (in my experience), they tend to result to guilt tripping.

The flirting I could ignore. When I first read it, I thought that was just her personality (which is partially true). But then FMC stood her ground more, and Alanna fell apart. She started crying, talking about how much pressure she was under, making up excuses (a prime example of this was her saying that she thought ghosting FMC would make it easier, which I’ll touch on later), and causing FMC to doubt her (valid) reasons for being angry with Alanna.

I feel like it’s also necessary to talk about Alanna interacting with the other society members. FMC was noticeably uncomfortable with how genuine Alanna seemed to be, and I understand the feeling of betrayal of thinking you know a person, only to see them act like a complete stranger at the drop of a hat. The mental turmoil of wondering which version of this person is the real them, and whether your entire relationship was all a lie.

That part was way longer than I expected, so let’s talk about the “villain”. I’m glad that Arabella isn’t the big bad even if she tried to kill FMC, because she seems like such a genuine person and I’m tired of season WOC be villainized in visual novels (I’m not naming names but you know what apps I’m talking about Choices). I hope that FMC and Alanna will be able to help her and her sister, and that Arabella will get a redemption arc in the future and maybe a route.

The cliffhanger was actually sort of unexpected. FMC finally called Alanna out on her bs (GOOD👏FOR👏HER👏) and tried to leave the Society. Lowkey kind of scared to see how they follow this up in season 2, because it seems like they’re ready to murder FMC.

If we ignore the LIs themselves, I did prefer Alanna’s route to Cassius’s. I feel like we got to see more of the other characters, and I thought the pacing was better. But I don’t like either of them. As I’ve said Cassius seems like he’s improving, but Alanna? Nope. I’m staying for the plot and Arabella, but I’m more than willing to drop her route if this pattern continues (especially if I decide it’s too triggering for me, my mental health is more important).

Rating: 2/10

Final thoughts

As I stated previously, while IHS’s initial premiere wasn’t the best, I believe this series has the potential to be good. My main issues are with the pacing, and above all, the LIs (which isn’t good for a visual novel story centered around romancing the LIs).

Overall rating: 3/10

This is my first time doing something like this so any feedback would be very appreciated. Feel free to offer any criticisms, and let me know if I should make a series out of this! (This did take me a while so if I decide to continue doing this it might not be posted until a day or two later)

[leejungchans]

— the road ahead.

juliet’s masterlist | 👀 ask juliet anything!!

word count: 1.4k

set in late january, 2018 and before juliet was invited to join ateez’s lineup

summary: after the end of mixnine, ryujin and juliet discuss their future plans.

a/n: oof this is kinda angsty but it ends on a positive note i promise 😭😭 please leave feedback and chat with me :3 💕

“What a wild ride, huh?” Juliet laughs sadly, taking a sip of her soda. The fizzy beverage really isn’t helping. As it travels down her throat, she feels as though it’s freezing every part inside her, filling her with a sense of numbness and deepening the pit of dread in her stomach.

Or maybe it’s just the weather. She loves winter, but something about the biting cold when she’s already in a bad headspace sends her further down that downwards spiral.

Juliet curses herself for her choice of beverage, and again for not finishing it so she wouldn’t still be holding onto it as the two girls walk out the warm restaurant and out into the streets.

“Yeah,” Ryujin agrees quietly. Their dinner was full of exchanged bittersweet smiles and unspoken words, though neither girl dared bring up the elephant in the room until they finished eating. It being the disappointment from losing on MIXNINE. Of course, they both knew they gave it their all, and ultimately there could only be one winner, so there really are no hard feelings towards anyone.

It just never feels good to lose out on such a chance; to be so, so close to reaching your dream only to fail at the last second.

She remembers the staff at KQ congratulating her for making it that far into the competition, and she could tell that they were pleased how she managed to garner so much positive attention for both herself and the company from the show, however unexpected it was. She also remembers how excited the boys were for her when she made it into the girls’ team for the final competition, happy at the prospect of their friend debuting.

Perhaps this is why losing hurts even more, because she didn’t only let herself down, but also the people who believed in her.

It’s been a while since Juliet’s felt this way. The first was when she left SM. While knowing the decision was necessary for her mental health, another part of her blamed herself for being unable to endure it and giving up on a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity when so many others would kill to be in her place. The second time being when she was approached by the KQ scout, not knowing whether it was all worth a second chance but also not wanting to go home to her family in Sydney having accomplished nothing.

Why has she not gotten better at dealing with these emotions? Shouldn’t she have developed a thicker skin? Why doesn’t it hurt less?

And to think that she thought she really had a chance after performing so consistently in MIXNINE. Had it all been wishful thinking?

For Juliet, desperation always led to naivety. It seems like this was no exception.

“What are you thinking about?” Ryujin asks gently, pulling her scarf up to cover her face more as a gust of icy wind hits them.

“Just what I should do now... I guess.”

“Did your company discuss any plans with you?”

“No,” Juliet sighs, her breath condensing into a small puff of white fog. “There aren’t any other female trainees yet, so either they’ll start recruiting some to form a girl group for later, or... I don’t know...”

Ryujin hesitates before choosing her next words carefully. “What about your friends? The boys in your company?”

“The company is planning to debut them late this year. I think they’ll also be heading to LA soon to train further. They’ll be great, I just know it.” A small smile tugs at Juliet’s lips at the mention of the boys, because no matter how terrible and lost she feels about her future in the industry, she is unquestionably happy for the boys for being one step closer to their dream.

Still, there’s a pang in her heart from the thought of not being able to see the boys as often now that they weren’t going to train as regular trainees, but as to-be idols. She wonders how she’ll be able to handle training alone once they leave for LA.

It hurts to think about it—being in their practice room without hearing Wooyoung’s signature laugh, or Seonghwa nagging everyone to stay hydrated, or Hongjoong’s pleading voice urging everyone to sober up when things get just a little too chaotic.

And what about eating lunch without sharing laughs over Yunho and Mingi’s jokes and retellings of funny incidents that happened to them? Or not getting to beat Jongho at arm wrestling even though it’s only because he let her win? Will she also start looking at fried chicken differently because she won’t have Yeosang and San to share it with?

So many questions, not enough answers. Juliet’s chest constricts, so she shakes her head to rid herself of those thoughts before she starts breaking down in the middle of the busy Seoul streets. She’ll deal with them later, she supposes. “Enough about me,” she chuckles weakly. “What about you?”

“JYP is debuting me next year with a few other girls,” Ryujin admits after a few beats of silence. “They said I have to start preparing for it next week.”

Juliet grins. “That’s amazing!” Her smile drops immediately when she notices Ryujin’s frown. “But why do you sound so sad about it?”

The shorter girl pouts. “I don’t know... I guess it just feels... wrong bringing that up at this time. It feels like I’m rubbing salt into the wound.”

This time, Juliet lets out a genuine laugh as she clasps her hands over one of Ryujin’s. “Silly, I’m happy for you more than anything! Don’t think like that!”

“I wish you were in JYP, they’d definitely put you in my team, and we could’ve debuted together.”

“That would be fun,” Juliet admits wistfully, “but it’s not the end for me. At least, I hope not.” She doesn’t know if she’s trying to convince Ryujin or herself. Maybe both. “My contract is not up yet, so at least I’ll be in Seoul until the end of this year, and we can keep meeting up until then!”

“You’re planning to leave after that?” Ryujin asks with widened eyes. This is the first time she’s heard Juliet mention leaving Seoul. “Where to? Home in Sydney?”

Juliet shrugs. “Yeah, but nothing’s set in stone yet. For now I’ll just keep training, see if the company has any plans for me in the next few years. If not... I’ll probably go home and continue with my studies.”

The thought of returning to Australia empty-handed makes her stomach twist. How can she look her family in the eye after that when they’ve been nothing but supportive of her dream? The least she could do is repay them with some form of success, but her future seems so murky that it doesn’t seem possible, and she wonders if it’s really that bad going back to Sydney. At least she’d be home.

“They better have plans for you,” Ryujin says fiercely, snapping Juliet out of her daze. “I don’t want to lose you so soon!”

With the help of the warm glow from the street lamps, Juliet catches sight of her friend’s glossy eyes.

“Ryujin... are you crying?” Alarmed, Juliet stops immediately rummage through her bag for tissues, letting out a small aha! when she hears the crinkle of the plastic packaging underneath her fingertips. Ryujin lets her gently dab away the tears trailing down her cheeks.

They may have only known each other for a few months, but they’ve been through so much together that Juliet considers Ryujin one of her closest friends now. “Don’t cry, Jinnie,” she soothes. Both of them don’t comment on how her voice cracked at the end of the sentence. “It’ll be okay, we’ll always be friends even if I go h—oh no, I’m gonna start crying too.”

This makes Ryujin giggle, and she takes the opportunity to take several deep breaths. “It’s just... I’m really happy we got to be friends. I’ve seen so many of my friends come and go because of how this industry is... and it doesn’t hurt any less each time. I think I’ll actually be crushed if I stop hearing from you too...”

“I’ll never stop bothering you, so don’t worry about that,” Juliet says brightly in effort to cheer her up, though she herself is rapidly blinking back hot tears. “I promise I won’t give up so soon.”

“Swear on it.”

Juliet puts up three fingers, albeit a little clumsily due to her thick gloves. “I solemnly swear that I will not give up on debuting.”

Ryujin raises a brow. “And?”

“And I also solemnly swear to never stop being friends with Shin Ryujin.”

She nods approvingly. “Good. Seriously though, your company is blind if they don’t have anything planned for you. You’ll be huge someday, I know it.”

Juliet links their arm together as they continue walking, their conversation restoring a sliver of hope in her.

“We both will. Count on it.”

a/n: ngl writing that part about juliet and the boys made my heart hurt aHa 💔💔 i think this update gives even more insight into ryuliet’s friendship!! being on mixnine was very mentally taxing on juliet, and ever since meeting ryujin they’ve been each other’s rocks throughout the competition ;-; now look at them both being 4th gen it girls ✨🥺

let me know what you think!! 🥺🥺 i really do love interacting with you guys!! thank you for reading and take care 💕

[missmentelle]

Hi MM/Bee! I'm a recent college graduate. I always worked hard in school and I matured a lot at college, but I'm realizing how low my self-esteem is. I'm obsessing over the things I haven't done/accomplished, scholarships I never applied for, my body image, my high school days, "not being as successful as my high school class", an old crush who I never talked to (who is already super successful), and some days I feel like I messed up my life beyond repair. How do I work on self-love? Thank you!

For starters, I think it’s important for you to know that you aren’t the only person feeling this way. I get similar questions all the time, often from people who aren’t even out of their 20s yet. It isn’t even remotely true that you need to achieve wild success by age 25 or you’ve wasted your life, but I can understand why so many people feel that way. 

Our culture is dangerously obsessed with productivity, youth and achievement, to the point that it is actively making all of our lives miserable. It’s not hard to understand where people get this idea that they’re failing in life if they aren’t a 20-something well-travelled millionaire - that is the message our culture throws in our faces all the time - and it’s so unbelievably untrue. We compile “top 30 under 30″ lists, celebrate incredibly young performers and entertainers, and hold up extremely high-achieving lifestyles as something that every one of us needs to be striving for, but we don’t - there is no timeline for “success”, there is no one true definition of success, and people will take wildly different paths in life to arrive at the same set of goals. What you think of as your failure is not actually your failure - it’s a cultural failure that so many of us fall victim to. 

I think it’s also important to remember that you haven’t messed up your life beyond repair: you’ve barely started your life yet. Your college years are supposed to be a time of growing and maturing, and that maturation doesn’t end the moment you cross the stage - you’re going to continue to learn and change and grow throughout your lifespan. And growth means you are always going to mess some stuff up - that’s how we grow. All of us have to make mistakes in this life, and all of us have to prioritize rest sometimes; there are always going to be tests we don’t do so great on, social situations we flub, scholarships we don’t apply for, crushes we don’t confess to, deadlines we miss, relationships we let fall apart and goals we don’t achieve. Nobody speedruns life with 100% completion. And that’s okay. Those missteps and mistakes are what teach us to do better next time, or they give us the time to rest and gather energy for the next goal we want to work toward. 

Of course, learning to accept yourself and let go of cultural conditioning is easier said than done. For many of us, it’s a lifelong journey, if not the overarching theme of our lives. I wish there was a simple way to achieve it. I do, however, have some tips that can help you get there:

Unplug from productivity and self-improvement culture. Going online and seeing “Shakespeare wrote King Lear in quarantine, here’s how to maximize your quarantine time” and “here’s how I became a millionaire by age 22″ is not actually that motivating - in all likelihood, it’ll just make you feel bad about yourself. The internet is an absolute firehose of content about how you can do more, achieve more, squeeze more out of your day, and it’s completely overwhelming; honestly, most of us feel better when we stop pointing that firehose straight at our own face. It’s easier to believe that you are enough when you stop consuming content that tells you that you aren’t. Self-improvement culture looks positive on the surface, but we aren’t actually making ourselves better people by obsessing over our work and productivity - we’re just making ourselves miserable. 

Ask yourself “who benefits from making me feel bad about myself?” It’s not a coincidence that we’ve built a culture obsessed with youth and productivity - that culture is making a lot of people very, very rich. Whenever you can be convinced that you aren’t thin enough, not pretty enough, not good enough, you can be convinced to run out and buy things that might fix the problem. That’s how we ended up with a $10 billion dollar self-improvement industry and a $532 billion dollar beauty industry. Content people are harder to sell to. Of course, knowing that people are profiting off your insecurities doesn’t magically make the insecurities go away - but it’s important to start thinking critically and asking yourself “where do my insecurities come from? Is there really something wrong with me, or is someone profiting from making people like me feel this way?”

Do things that make you happy, just for the sake of doing them. Paint a picture. Plant a garden. Learn to play the mandolin. Read cheesy romance novels. Find some things that you enjoy doing just for you - things that you don’t need to maximize, monetize or optimize. You don’t even need to be good at them. If you enjoy doing it, have at it. So many of us are encouraged to suck the joy out of our hobbies by turning them into a “side hustle” or another regimented form of self-improvement. Find some activities that just make your life better and do them, just for the sake of doing them. 

Examine the role of social media in your life. Most of us don’t post a complete, unedited view of our lives on social media - we just post the highlights and keep the tough stuff - the rejections, the times we got ghosted, the bad hair days - to ourselves. And even if you know that cognitively, it still sucks to log onto social media when you’re having a “blah” week and find yourself bombarded with other people’s engagement announcements, med school acceptances, wedding pictures and photos of the new homes people just bought. Social media forces you to compare your “average” to everyone else’s “best”, all the time. And the numbers don’t help - social media lets you do an exact comparison of how many followers and likes you have compared to someone else, and seeing someone get more positive feedback than you can sting. Working on self-love means taking a hard look at the impact social media is having on your self-esteem. How much of your time do you spend on social media? How do you feel after you use social media? Are you following accounts that make you feel better about yourself, or worse? Do you ever feel bad about the number of likes or followers you have? Do you feel like your time on social media is wasted? Do you follow accounts that make you feel better about yourself, or worse? Stepping away from social media for your mental health is an important move for some people - you can still be happy for your friends and loved ones while acknowledging that it’s not good for you to have their achievements broadcast to you 24/7. 

Surround yourself with good, supportive people. If you find that your circle of friends tends to diminish each other’s achievements, be overly critical of each other or go out of their way to one-up each other, that’s probably not a circle of friends that’s going to be good for you in the long run. Find people who are genuinely happy for you, and make you feel supported and loved for who you are. If that means you need to branch out of your current social circles, that’s okay - you can find great friends in surprising places, and it’s worth the initial awkwardness of getting to know a new person. 

Challenge your definition of “success”. Success does not have to look like a high-paying job and a giant house and expensive cars and 2.5 honour roll children. It certainly can look that way, if you feel that those are meaningful goals for you, but it doesn’t have to look that way. A doctor is not necessarily “more successful” than a poet, and a lawyer is not necessarily “more successful” than a stay-at-home parent. The only person who gets to define what a “successful” life looks like is you. It takes time to unlearn the social conditioning that “money and prestige = success”, but it can be done. Success looks different for all of us. 

Set goals that are personally meaningful to you. It’s important for all of us to think critically about what we want, and it’s even more important to think critically about why we want it. Do we want that degree program or that accomplishment or that job because it aligns with our interests? To impress others? To prove someone wrong? Or because we feel like we’re supposed to want it? Try to focus your energy on the goals that you want, that are personally meaningful to you. If that’s law school, great. If that’s selling homemade jam at the farmer’s market, that is equally great. 

Remember that success does not have a deadline. I know this is very hard to believe in your early twenties, but your dreams do not shrivel up and blow away the day you turn 30. Life doesn’t end when your 20s are over. You haven’t missed your shot, and you don’t have to figure everything out right now. Growth and achievement are lifelong journeys - people find their dream jobs, accomplish their goals, finish degrees and meet the love of their life in their 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond. The best book I read this year was “Where the Crawdads Sing” a novel that spent 32 weeks on the New York Times bestseller list. It also happened to be the author’s first novel, and it came out when she was sixty-nine years old. Your dreams do not have an expiration date. 

Capture the joy and positivity in your life. I think one of the most important ways to feel better about your life is to spend more time focusing on all the good things in your life, rather than focusing on all the ways you could be better. Rather than fixating on whether you could have applied for more scholarships or turned that B+ into an A-, spend more time reflecting on the happy memories you have of your time in college. Again, this isn’t something that will happen overnight - it’s a learned skill that you need to consciously work on. Interrupt yourself when you are starting to fixate on things you could have done better, and make yourself list out three things you enjoyed about college. Connect with old college friends you haven’t heard from in a while. Try to take more notice of good things in your life as they happen to you - take more pictures, keep a journal, make collages, start a scrapbook, keep a box of momentos. You don’t need to have a perfect life to be happy; it’s okay to work on being happy with the life you have. 

Best of luck to you! MM

[lettersfromn0where]

ZFAW: Self-Love Saturday

For the last day of @zkfanworkweek!

It’s no secret that I love writing more than almost anything in existence, or that I’m somewhat absurdly passionate about my work. I’m well aware that a handful of people probably think this is annoying (how many people who have had the misfortune to be in any kind of chat with me never want to hear the name “Hina Oyama” again? Probably most of them), and I was hesitant to do this at all because I know I can be self-centered and I’m trying to work on that. But I realized that I’m not doing this for feedback or because I want people to read my work - if I were to talk about my fic like this, it would be coming from a place of excitement about sharing something I love with others, not about finding new readers. (Have I done a little too much networking of that kind? Yes. Am I proud of it? Not at all. That’s why I had to make sure that that wasn’t why I was doing this.) 

So I’m going to go for it, and give you guys the background behind a few of my favorite things I’ve written. Stories below the cut. 

Story #1: The One That Taught Me That It’s Okay to Fail As a Writer

and I'll write you a tragedy (June 2020)

I wrote this back in June, when I was first getting into AtLA - I think it was my third or fourth published Zutara fanfic. I didn’t have many friends yet; most of the ones I talked to at the time, I've since lost touch with. So my participation in the fandom was largely isolated. I’d just write things and yeet them into the void without a care in the world - that’s what I did with “And I’ll Write You a Tragedy.” I had this grand idea that it would be ~the angstiest thing ever written~ and I was SO excited to get home (I was at the beach when I got the idea) so I could work on it...

Only to find that I simply wasn’t ready for the story I was trying to tell.

Oh, I wrote it, and it was...decently well-reviewed for something that caused me so much existential angst. But it fell so short of the concept that I had for it that, the moment I hit “post,” I was so frustrated that burst into tears. (Like a kindergartner. One can never say I deserve to be called an adult.) I wanted to establish myself in this new fandom so badly that anything I perceived as substandard was a crushing failure. And it was the process of talking myself through that frustration that taught me something I’ve tried to hold close ever since: every writer writes a dud every once in a while. No one is at the top of their game 100% of the time; those who appear to be probably don’t post the duds. Should I have posted this, then? Well, the jury is out on that. I still hate it. But it deserves a spot here just for the lesson it taught me. 

Story #2: the One That Broke the Angst Ceiling 

who lives, who dies, who tells your story (July 2020)

I have no idea how this took my angst from the coltish awkwardness of “sort of sad, but not very well-done” to genuinely depressing, but it did. Maybe I should blame quarantine and all of the difficulties that brought with it, or just the additional writing experience I had gained by that time. Whatever the reason, I remember this - even though it never got very popular - as an absolute triumph for me as a writer, because this is when I FINALLY learned how to write effective angst. For *years* I had thought I was simply incapable of writing anything sad, but this showed me that I wasn’t. I’ll never understood what flipped the switch (maybe it was @hiniwalay, whose help in forming this idea was invaluable...I love and miss you so much <3), but it’s a very important part of my writing journey even so. 

Story #3: The One That Got Inexplicably Popular

Tethered (Zutara Week - written in June 2020, posted in late July 2020)

Zutara Week 2020 was sort of the point at which I established myself in this fandom and I have super fond memories of the warm reception I received at the time. It was such a positive, encouraging experience - and perhaps the one and only time that people have actually wanted to indulge my somewhat ridiculous obsession with fluff. And this was sort of the peak of my entrance into the ZK fandom. 

And I am...not sure how I feel about that. 

Soulmate AUs are obviously super popular, so I knew that “Tethered” was going to be one of my better-recieved ZKW fics if I did it even marginally well. What I did NOT expect was that, by the time of this post, it would be exactly tied with The Waiting Game for my most kudos’d work. It’s almost insane to me that that is a thing, because, while I don’t hate how “Tethered” came out, I definitely don’t feel like it deserved the hype it got. It’s...just another soulmate AU, but seeing that I was capable of writing something that people would gobble up did wonders for my confidence - and, I think, for my reputation in the fandom as well. It was definitely a mile-marker on my journey, even if I would rather it have been a different ZKW oneshot (this one was my favorite).

Story #4: The Twitter Favorite

Four Days and Three Nights (written August 2020)

I will never, ever forget the day I posted this. 

I joined a Zutara group chat on Twitter just before Zutara Week 2020 began, and I quickly became...a little bit desperate for their attention. “The Waiting Game” (much more on that later) sprung from that desperation, but this was the one that actually did something about it. Which is funny, because it was actually a complete accident! 4D3N, as it is affectionately called on Twitter, was the result of my dumb butt reading “Five,” thinking “I want to write something that depressing!”, and just...going for it. I told myself not to overthink things as I desperately banged out the 3166 words of this story in two hours (because I needed to go for a run before it got dark and didn’t start writing until 3), and that is probably the one and only time in my entire life that telling myself something like that actually worked. Writing 4D3N was just sort of this rush that I barely even had time to recognize while I was caught up in it and the result was something I genuinely felt that I could be proud of - that’s pretty rare. My Twitter friends went slightly insane, half of them wanted to stab me (in a good way), and I finally felt like I actually belonged in this fandom - like I had done something to earn a place there. [Caveat: fandom is for everyone and you never need to “earn the right” to be in one, but my brain latched onto the idea that I didn’t deserve to be creating things for a fandom that didn’t want me and would not let it go. Figures.] Lately, I’ve been struggling with this one a little bit because it’s getting a lot of comparisons to “Five” in which it never fares favorably, for obvious reasons, and it was never actually my favorite fic to begin with, but it still means a lot to me. This is the one I recommend to people who are curious about my work and probably always will be. 

Story #5: The Sleeper Favorite

Lean On (written August 2020)

I have no earthly idea why I like this one so much, but it has to be my favorite oneshot I have up. It’s hurt-comfort and dives into the implications of the Agni Kai for Zuko’s health, both physical and mental - maybe it’s the uniqueness of that premise that endeared it to me, or maybe the personal-ness...is that a word?...of the narrative. The bare-bones summary: Zuko’s health is declining a year after the Agni Kai, Katara shows up to do something about that, and what follows is a year of Pain and Heartache for both of them as they try to navigate their conflicting feelings for each other. But really, it’s a story about healing: physically, yes, but also mentally and emotionally. I certainly relate a lot to Katara in “Lean On,” as I’ve been the friend caught in the crossfire of others’ battles with their mental health many times and I wanted to try to write from both sides of that conflict. But I think I probably wrote more of myself into Zuko than I originally anticipated, as well. Quarantine has not been good for my mental health...at all...and I’ve found myself lashing out at my family far more than I should without even knowing why, isolating myself and growing thorns so that no one would come near me. I hate seeing myself like that, and I hate that I can't seem to make myself do anything about it. So really, I was hashing out my own feelings both past and present, and what I ended up with, whatever you might think of its quality, came from the heart. I also, for whatever reason, really liked my writing here, so I have a special place in my heart for “Lean On.” 

Story #6: The Fluff I Didn’t Hate

Waffleosophy (written September 2020)

Look, there's not a lot to say about this, but it’s definitely my favorite fluff that I’ve ever written. I felt like I finally managed to hit the right note with this so that it came off as sweet without being saccharine, and it feels...I don’t know, wittier than what I usually write? I write a lot of fluff but something about “Waffleosophy” made it feel more polished and coherent than most of my other fluff. This was one that, as ridiculous as its premise was, I felt like I could truly be proud of; since I’m often a bit ashamed of how much of my work is fluff (it feels like “cheating” sometimes, as if I write this way because I lack the skill for real emotional beats), that’s saying a lot. 

Story #7: the Insanely Niche AU

Once In a Lifetime (ongoing)

This one gets updated at the speed of snail, but. ZK ice dance AU. It just makes me so HAPPY. 

Story #8: The One That Actually Did What It Was Meant To Do

Hanabi (written October/November 2020)

This heading is ironic because this was originally supposed to be an angsty slow-burn about surviving on an uninhabited island. Instead, it became as unerringly Sarah S---- as any fic ever has. Oops. 

Hanabi sprung from a desire to write something incredibly soft and wholesome. Seriously. That’s it. I had just finished writing a story that got a lot more violent and dark than I had expected it to, and I wasn’t comfortable with that; I wanted to return to my roots, if you will, and write something ~soft~. I wanted to write about good people, doing good things, being good to each other, with as much tender pining as I could cram in on the side. I wanted unique worldbuilding and a relationship that had to be built rather than handed over under the guise of Soulmateism (because this was the period in which I hated The Waiting Game and everything it stood for, aka...that. It was a weird time). And I actually? Did all of that? There’s this F. Scott Fitzgerald quote about how writers have to “sell their hearts” that I think about often, and I did that here. This has as much of my heart in it as anything ever will, I think, and if I had to pick a favorite thing that I have ever written, it would be “Hanabi.” I love it a lot. 

Story #9: The One You Knew Was Coming

The Waiting Game series (written July-October 2020)

I have so many feelings about this that I can’t even really articulate them all. Where would I even start? 

There was the fact that the first installment was written in two weeks (thirteen days, 94,832 words) to try to get the attention of a Twitter chat. There was the matter of Hina Oyama, my blog’s namesake, an OC who took on an absolutely massive life of her own to the point where she was quite literally my coping mechanism over the summer and I annoy everyone I know by constantly banging on pots and pans and screaming about her. There was the way this universe spiraled outwards from its original installment and now has three generations, two sequels, and a prequel in progress (Hina’s origin story, which I am writing for a friend but will most likely never post). There were the friends I made because of this series and all of the inside jokes and headcanons we’ve developed while discussing it. There were all of the existential crises I had (over negative comments, over whether or not this career-defining series is even decent, over the moral implications of writing about people getting stabbed in the sequel...please don’t ask). There is the fact that everyone I come into contact with now knows what Haang is, and that by a close-reading of any passage about Hina or Kya, you could probably learn a lot about me. 

But all I can say, in the end, is that I don’t know if I’ve ever written something that I fell in love with so quickly as I did “The Waiting Game,” or that had as much lasting impact upon me. (It has been five months, and I’m STILL writing in this universe, still talking about it constantly.) I know my TWG obsession is a little annoying, and I know that this universe isn’t really anything special - but it’s special to me, and it always will be. Will I shut up? Abso-freaking-lutely not. Do I care if no one knows what my username means because it refers to an OC in a fic not a lot of people actually like? Not in the slightest! I won’t pretend that TWG is a perfect story, or even that it deserves to be thought of as particularly good, but I will absolutely defy anyone who tells me that I need to “get over it.” (No one has, but my brain likes to tell me that everyone is thinking it.) 

I will never be over stories that move me, especially not ones I created.

And especially not Yangchen Oyama. 

~finis~ 

[narcissasdaffodil]

Thank you for the tag @kiki-the-creator @codename-mango and @voile-de-lune this gives me a perfect excuse to ramble and talk in depth again!

1. What do you prefer to be called name-wise?

Iris. Some people know my real life name too, so if you do, please don’t use it on here. I make a serious effort to separate my real life from online life.

2. When is your birthday?

22nd February

3. Where do you live?

Wales, UK. That’s how specific I’m willing to get.

4. Three things you are doing right now?

Listening to music, thinking in general, and considering writing/editing something.

5. Four fandoms that have peaked your interest?

LITG definitely, that’s by far my main one. This blog is a split between LITG and positivity. I’ll chuck Choices, The Haunting of Bly Manor/Haunting of Hill House and Taylor Swift in there too. This blog has way more than just those 4, but those are my main ones.

6. How has the pandemic been treating you?

Back at the start of the year, I was getting better mental health wise, and starting to become a proper adult in general. Then the pandemic hit, and my mental health fully stabilised and has mostly been stable. I’ve had a couple anxious spirals and anxiety attacks since then, but I’ll always have anxiety and depression, it’s all about how I manage my shit and not let it overwhelm me too much. And, ooh! I started my first year of uni in September, and uni in a pandemic is definitely a strange experience. Online lectures actually fit better with me, not having to struggle to hear is great.

7. A song you can’t stop listening to right now?

I’ll cheat, and go for two albums: Folklore and Evermore have definitely made my year! Those two have been on pretty frequent repeat, so yeah x

8. Recommend a movie.

Booksmart and Ladybird. I can’t remember watching anything in the past year, so here’s two recommendations from past years.

9. How old are you?

I’m 19, 20 in 2 months and a day! I don’t always keep a realistic count either, but oh well. It’ll be weird when I do hit my 20s for real though, it appears at the moment I’m likely to have a lockdown birthday.

10. School, university, occupation, other?

University and I’m mostly loving it! I love my course, and am so relieved that past me decided that English wasn’t my thing, or even half the weird stuff I got tempted to do. 4 years ago, I seriously wanted to be a child psychologist despite a dislike of children and sucking at Maths and needing a B to even take Psychology. I scraped a C, so Psychology was out, thank god.

11. Do you prefer hot or cold?

Cold by far. I hate hot weather and the summer with a passion. With cold weather, you can add more layers, hot weather you can’t do much, just get more and more uncomfortable!

12. Name one fact others might not know about you.

I want to be bilingual/trilingual in terms of long term life goals. I’m very slowly teaching myself French and Welsh. Both languages are on hold for a bit, but I plan to pick them back up.

13. Are you shy?

Yup. I plan words in my head when I do speak, usually the conversation has continued without me in groups, hell, even group chats that happens! For me to go unfiltered I have to be very comfortable with you, so if you’re starting to hear me talking about more weird stuff (I call it weird o’clock for a label) you know I’m very comfortable, especially so if my messages sound weird and I sound high. Which I’m not, just unfiltered.

14. Your pronouns?

She/her

15. Biggest pet peeves?

Slow walkers, noisy eaters, people who eat with their mouth open, people who move/take my stuff (like, I had it like that for a reason.), loud people, people being nuisances late at night, peer pressure/influencing people in general (I’m pretty damn stubborn, so if I don’t want to drink, there’s no way that you’ll influence me to), arguments, large groups, people who use me for a therapist, dogs (that’s more me not being comfortable with loud noise, things jumping up on me, being absolutely terrified of dogs/having a genuine trigger for them), people who mock strange/rare stuff about people (a serious amount of stuff about me is strange/weird. So you’ll need to find a different person if you want something not weird!), interrupters, being ignored deliberately, and I think that’s it! Phew, that’s a lot.

16. What is your favorite “dere” type?

I used to be into anime, but that was way too long ago, so I have no clue.

17. Rate your life from 1-10

Likely a 7/8. As my mental health is mostly stable, I can actually write and do creative stuff without letting other people tell me it sucks (well, if you hate my stuff so much, do you really need to tell me? Heck no, in my opinion anyway.) I don’t quit stuff just because I get negative feedback any more,

18. What’s your main blog?

I only have this one! My LITG/positivity/random crap one, which started as a mental health recovery/positivity and fandom blog, then gradually got more chaotic as my own creations appeared.

19. List your side blogs and what they’re used for.

I don’t use side blogs, mainly as when I used to have multiple accounts on other social media, I’d always end up sticking to one and neglecting the others. I don’t know how multiple blog people do it, seriously.

20. Is there something people need to know about you before becoming friends?

If your first interaction with me is via an ask box, it might change a little bit once we properly message. I ramble, and talk about a serious amount of strange crap just because it interests me and do spam a lot when I do create stuff, so if spamming makes you uncomfortable, you’ll have to give me a heads up. But also what you see is pretty much what you get, I’m straightforward in that if you’re an arse to me, or people I care about, I will cut people out pretty quickly. I have no patience for people who lash out at others and do set boundaries with people. On a slightly more positive note, a side effect of chatting to me a lot is that I do gush about people’s work a lot. If I love something someone creates, my motto is always telling them! I’m human sunshine for a reason, but even then I can’t always keep it up, so don’t expect me to be constantly happy!

Tagging: @ravenadottir @confused-lesbiam @ajs-wife @bubblybabynailpolish @lucas-koh just tagged the first set of names I could think of!

[allyisapunkrocker]

Trigger Warning for discussion of depression, suicide, self harm etc.

I don’t think I’ve had as an eventful month in my life as I’ve had in the last month or so other than maybe my last month of high school and schoolies. A month or so ago I tried to admit myself in the hospital for depression and suicidal thoughts as if I didn’t I would’ve cut my arms and my legs and possibly my genitals. I was having a difficult time not being able to deal with my interactions at work and feeling like a freak and like I had no one in my life I could talk to and had an extreme fear of never having anyone close in my life. I was making friends at work though and they’re genuinely lovely people who I’ve always liked and was grateful they were befriending me and trying to help. One of them who is still my favourite person helped me not feel like a freak. I was still self loathing and suicidal though. There were other lovely people who would talk to me and treat me like a person and offered to help me. I went clothes shopping with them which was such an awkward horrible experience despite having amazing company. The shopping part - trying on clothes in the change room was traumatic and had me crying. This and the fact that these people were talking to me and trying to help but weren’t making me feel any better - just made me feel worse and hopeless, like it wasn’t possible for me to feel or get better. My favourite person assured me It was and promised we’d talk after she got back from her trip. She left for her much deserved holiday and very wisely cut herself off from technology and social media and was prioritising her mental health which she has all the right to do and I’m not blaming her or laying any guilt on her or anything like that. I applaud her for prioritising herself and her mental health. It was just difficult for me to not have her to talk to as often as I needed to. I was drinking heavily and considering downing all my medicine in one go or drinking bleach. I had been an absolute toxic nightmare not only to people at work that I didn’t like or care about but to people there that I liked and that care(d) about me. I’d be talking about different violent things I wanted to do to myself as I didn’t care anymore about myself or anything. So at my absolute lowest I went to the hospital - my psychologist Told me that this should be a last resort and in my mind it was. They wouldn’t admit though me and instead gave me a talking to and sent me home saying I could come back and talk if I needed. It was an absolute waste of time and not helpful in the slightest. A week or so later I made an appointment to see a psychiatrist I had that I haven’t seen since I started my job around two years ago.

After seeing my psychologist I started feeling a little better. I was still in a dark deep depression and didn’t have any belief that things could get better but I at least started trying to be grateful for the friends at work and the fact that I was employed at this really bad time. While I was looking for my favourite person to be the friend I thought she was I made another friend in another of my favourite people in the workplace and she would help put things in perspective while also being patient with my toxic bullshit. When my favourite person came back from her break continuing to prioritise her mental health - which I love and hope it helps and that it helps her feel good, it’s the least she deserves - meaning not answering messages until she felt like it or got around to it. It was difficult for me to deal with and it was frustrating but it was more at me as I wasn’t being emotionally mature enough to not take it personally as it’s something she needs to do for her. At the same time my new friend is still patiently helping me through my toxic shit while occasionally showing tough love that at the time I was also struggling with. I wasn’t feeling any better but I had good examples of people I respect and admire and who have overcome horrible mental health problems and demonstrate healthy practices that they work on to improve their lives. These were seeds that were planted in me that have began to grow. I get a lot out of talking to these people. They’re both intelligent and brave and mentally tough. And have huge hearts as well. They’ve become my role models.

So that brings us to the last couple of weeks which pretty much started at my most recent appointment with my psychiatrist. I had believed I could’ve been bipolar due to my drastic changes in moods - which had recently seemed even more severe. She perceptively suggested that it could’ve been a severe mood instability and prescribed me some medication. This medication in conjunction with my realisation that what I wanted in life was people to be close with - friends, lovers etc. however this was an impossibility while i hated myself. No one would want to be around me if I didn’t want to be around me. Also I knew my mood and how I’m feeling couldn’t be dependent on interactions with the people I like. As I was noticing my mood would rise around my favourite people but then drop drastically if the interaction didn’t go how I wanted it to. I would think the worst and always blame myself and try to force things instead of just let whatever happens happen. I need to be in a healthy mindset in order to live the life that I want. So after a few weeks of being on this medication.......

My mental state is the best it’s ever been. I’m in love but I’m not allowing my mood to be dictated by interactions with her or with anyone else I like at work or anywhere. I’m actively working on focusing on the positives in my life and the things I’m grateful for and if things dont go my way I accept it and go on with my day. I’m going to treat and love myself the way I treat people I love and the way I’d want them to treat and love me. I’m going to work on being organised and thoughtful and work on being a good influence in my life. I’m going to use the skills I see my favourite people use in their struggles with their problems to build a repertoire of life skills that help me build a life worth living. I’ve been writing about goals and dreams and I have a mental happy place for the first time since I had soccer as a child. I’ve been getting positive feedback about my writing and people telling me it makes them happy to read which is wonderful to hear because it makes me happy to write. I’m interacting positively with coworkers and have become much better with customers as I’m not letting things I have no control over impact me negatively.

My immediate goals (I cant believe I have goals, the only goals I’ve had for the past 20 years were dying or wanting to want to be alive more than I want to die) are to continue writing and to be there for my friends at work if they need to talk or anything else. I’m going to continue to actively try to be positive and grateful and a safe non judgmental person that people can talk to if they need to vent or need a nonjudgmental ear to talk to. I’m going to try new things and not be scared to fail. I’m going to work at things I need to do to adult properly. I’m going to limit crap I put in my body and watch and limit the negative affects I have on the environment as that’s an important value I want to align my lifestyle choices with. This is such a weird turn of events and a weird time in my life but it’s an amazing change and for the first time since I can remember I have ambitions and goals and dreams for a future where I’m content and surrounded with love and laughter and fashion and the environment.

Thanks for coming to my ted talk. I guess the purpose of this other than it being an outlet for getting this all off my chest is to show people that things can get better. I’m not saying it will. But it’s possible.

[wenevergotusedtoegypt]

The way things are set up at my job, the only time a raise can go into effect (unless maybe there were some super unusual circumstances) is the beginning of the new fiscal year in July, which means that the only time that you can ask for a raise is around now when annual reviews are conducted and the coming year’s budget is being worked on. When I switched positions, my boss told me that she didn’t have the ability to give me a raise at that point because of this, but we could discuss it more at the usual time of year. So now it’s that time and I need to figure out what to do.

We usually get a small raise every year no matter what even if we don’t ask (like $1,000-$1,500). But since I’m in a new position, I potentially have more leverage this year than other years to ask for something more significant.  The thing is, I’d need to figure out how much to ask for and how to spin it. On the one hand, prior to switching positions my boss was perceiving my performance as a bit rocky this past year (some of which I think was genuine because I was miserable and that naturally had an effect on my work and how people perceived me, some of which was my one coworker trying to get me in trouble because I was calling him out on not doing his job and he didn’t like that), and while I’ve been getting consistent feedback from her that things are much better in the new position and people are happy with me, it’s hard to make the argument, “Well I wasn’t doing as good before and now I’m doing well, so give me more money.” Also, I went from supervising 2 people to supervising no one, which typically would not indicate that the new position should have a higher salary. On the other hand, I do think that this position requires more skills (and self-training) than the previous 2 I’ve held here, which largely just required basic computer literacy, and although I’m not supervising anyone, I’m doing a lot of personality management. Some of that was required in my old position, but it was fewer people.

The other question is whether asking for a larger-than-usual raise is even the best route to go. Technically, there is no reason whatsoever why I couldn’t do my entire job remotely. Most of the people I work with on a daily basis aren’t even in this office anyway. I actually like coming in, to be honest, because I need to get out of the house and have face-to-face human interaction or I get irritable and depressed, BUT once my husband starts grad school and can no longer be home with the baby most of the time, the ability to work from home could save us a LOT of money on childcare – so much so that it’s possible it would be more financially valuable than any raise I could convince them to give me at this point in time. I highly doubt I could get approved to work remotely full time, considering that the person who used to do part of my job (this position never existed before, but all the pieces were being done by someone or other) had to leave partially because he had originally signed on to come in only once a week, and then my boss felt it was necessary for him to start coming in more often and he wasn’t willing to do the (very long) commute more regularly. But when we had the restructure last year, there were a few different staff who were able to negotiate working from home or other (closer-to-home) offices 2-3 days a week, and those people honestly need to be in the office to do their jobs waaaay more than I do. It could well be easier to sell that type of benefit rather than a larger raise because it doesn’t actually cost the organization anything extra.

But working from home while dealing with the baby could be pretty difficult if I’m expected to stick strictly to the 9-5 schedule I work now, and there’s no point working from home if I still have to pay for childcare anyway. I genuinely think that I could do this job on more flexible hours without inconveniencing anyone too seriously (I work with a number of people in other time zones anyway, as well as some part-timers who have other jobs, and that all works out), BUT I would have to convince my boss of that and I’m not so sure I can see her buying in. I might have to take a bit of a gamble on how much she values me as an employee – “listen, I anticipate being the sole breadwinner for my family for the next few years still, and while I would like to stick around here for a while, our costs are not decreasing and I can probably get a higher salary somewhere else doing similar work. I know that this organization can’t afford to significantly raise my salary, but if you let me have this more flexible schedule to avoid paying as much for childcare, it would be a large enough financial benefit to make the lower salary doable.”

And then there’s the question of, no matter how big the financial benefits of not having to pay as much for childcare, is working from home more really something in my best interest? Like I said, I REALLY need face-to-face human interaction regularly or my mental health deteriorates. I did not do well on maternity leave. Even now, with working from home Fridays and being stuck at home on Shabbos, I will start to have issues on Sunday if we don’t make a point of getting me out of the house. Are the savings worth the potential sacrifice of my wellbeing? Can I find ways to get myself into contact with non-husband, non-baby human beings regularly enough while working from home more often to offset the in-office interactions I get now?

Lots to think about, and I need to figure out a plan of action relatively soon.

[fancyharry]

third time’s a charm

hello! this is a little prequel to my niall series “Mother’s Day”, which you can read here!

I am planning to write some more about this little universe, and would love to hear feedback and some more concepts that you come up with! i’m so glad I felt mentally better to finish a piece of work and I'm so excited to share this little world with you all :) Enjoy!!

word count: 3k

trigger warning: miscarriage, grief, loss.

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The warmth of the mild June morning seeps through your skin as you stretch out in bed. You have plenty of room, given that it’s gone eleven o’clock and so your husband will already be halfway around the local golf course with his mates from the pub. He has pulled back the curtains already, knowing how fond you are of waking up in a warm glow with the sun beaming down on you. Sitting up, you smile, gazing out of the nearby window to the somewhat never-ending countryside, seeing grassy hills, lochs, and farms in the not-so-distant landscape.

The peace of the surrounding nature was just one of the reasons you love living here - another being the freedom to do as you liked, as you and Niall are simply locals and nothing more to the people in this little village you now call home. You purchased the house 3 years ago and now, fully decorated, there’s no place you’d rather live with Niall in the whole world. 

Usually, you’d be able to relax, or tidy the kitchen from the night before, perhaps even sit outside to soak up some of the glorious sun. But no. Today, circled on the calendar in a bright red ink it is noted that you have a doctors appointment. Meaning that you have to leave your cosy little haven and discuss your health. Something, as of late, you’ve been keeping an eye on. 

While this was just a regular three month check up, you know that the words which still weigh you down so heavily, are bound to be mentioned - loss, grief, miscarriage. Even the soft and caring “so how are you doing?” was going to be tough to get through. Despite your recent troubles, your doctor has remained good natured and kind during your appointments. She respects you and your situation, and has been of great assistance medically and emotionally in the past year or so. You don’t mind the company, but rather dread the conversation awaiting you.

                                                            oOo

You head out the door after making minimal effort to look better than you did earlier. What need was there to get dressed up when were just going to go to the doctors, come home, and cry? As per usual. You would laugh at the routine you’d accidentally twisted yourself into, but it’s hardly a laughing matter when your husband has to console you for the rest of the week.

Your appointment is 12.30 sharp, and you’re ten minutes early, focusing on the list you’d written in haste a few days prior which had been stuffed into your jacket pocket. It was easier to bring up your list of concerns to the doctor, if it meant you didn’t have to talk about them. This month? Feeling faint, headaches, little energy, irregular periods. All part of the grieving process, maybe.

Maybe not.

“Y/N Horan?” you hear your name called, and tuck the list away back into your pocket before standing, smiling briefly as you follow the doctor through to her office.

“Hi there Y/N...no Niall today?”

“No he...he’s out this morning. He doesn’t know, doesn’t like to check the calendar any more than once or twice a month so...it’s just me” you admit. You didn’t need Niall cancelling his plans and getting uptight and worried about you. It’s better this way, you reckon.

“Well then, it’s your appointment and this of course is all confidential. I hope he is still being supportive?” She speaks calmly, but with a hint of speculation in her tone.

“Yes! Absolutely. He’s great. Just wanted to do this myself. He had plans this morning and I’ve been doing better so...” you tail off, wondering how on earth you will handle this when you return home. You halt that thought with a quick smile directed at the woman sitting opposite you at her desk. “Yeah. He’s the best.”

And he is. Through the last year he’s been nothing but heaven-sent. Holding you close, making sure you rest, eat, and get out of bed on those days that just seemed too hard. You know how much he has suffered too and yet he’d been your rock.

You know that he’s cried at night while he thinks you’re asleep.

Losing one child in the early stages of pregnancy had been bad enough. You’d taken so many tests which had turned out negative, until one finally stated “positive” and “3 weeks”. You only carried that baby for two more weeks before you lost them. You’d cried, he had cried, you took a break from trying, praying that you would heal together and that next time you’d be luckier.

And barely 5 months later you fell pregnant again. You’d thought you were out in the clear at 7 weeks, getting ready to start telling your closest family and friends. 

However, instead of calling people to tell them the good news, an ambulance was called, and your bloodied bedsheets were thrown out. In the space of 6 months you’d lost two babies. Two tiny baby Horan’s, who you had promised to give the world to. Both ripped from you in some sick twist of fate. 

It wasn’t fair.

“Well good!” Your doctor chirps, dragging your from your thoughts. “I’m glad. It seems you have a great support system at home. Now, are there any queries you-”

“Yes!” you blurt out, before cringing at your own eagerness. You fumble with your list before handing it over. She reads it, taking her time to smooth out the crinkled paper and thinking over every possible symptom and diagnosis she can make from what you’ve written. For you, the silence in the room is deafening.

“Okay...so from this, there’s a couple of tests i’d like to run...would that be alright? I could always schedule you in for another t-”

You stop her again in her tracks. “Now is good. Whatever needs done, I can do it now.”

                                                           oOo

You take 3 different types of tests, each taking only a few minutes to register results. The thought that whatever is wrong with you is so tangible and potentially serious that your doctor asks for you to take three tests right then and there, is doing nothing for your nerves. You’re sitting alone in the office as the doctor prints through the results, and you wish - for the first time since you first sat in the waiting room - that you’d at least told Niall. And just maybe, that you’d brought him here, too. He always knew how to make you feel better, safe, and calm, even if he was facing the same outcome.

Your thoughts are interrupted as your doctor walks into the room - luckily with a smile.

“Well, one positive result came up for you”

Your heart just about stops with her news. Positive? A diagnosis about something today? Right now? 

Without Niall?

“Oh”, is all you can muster up the courage to say “oh, right”.

“Well I know we spoke earlier and you gave me that list to look through...I thought one of the samples you gave could be used for a pregnancy test.”

Okay, now you really needed Niall here.

The doctor evaluates your reaction and pauses. She shuffles her chair closer and smiles, a true genuine smile. It almost makes you feel better.

“Y/N, you said something about having irregular periods, a couple of near-fainting spells...I wanted to double check just to rule it out but the pregnancy test...it came back positive. I believe that you've just been spotting a little, and you’re not getting the right vitamins you need.”

After hearing the word “positive” you’ve gone blank. You don’t hear much else. It’s the third time you’ve heard this news, yet you’re childless. You swallow back a mix of saliva and bile as it rises in your throat.

“it says you’re between 7 and 8 weeks. I think it’s important we discuss this.”

                                                           oOo

Heading home, you clutch the steering wheel, trying to ignore the small pile of paper on the passenger seat in your peripheral vision. Pregnant. Well, you hadn't seen that coming. And your husband definitely won’t either. Your mind is between driving, and wondering how on earth you’ll do this, how you’ll prepare, how you’ll even go about telling Niall because you know the moment you see his face, you’ll break.

It’s a long 15 minutes home. The radio is muted, while the country landscape provides some form of comfort blanket as you worry through each scenario racing through your mind. It’s only 2pm, but you just want to go to bed and sleep away the fogginess of whatever hallucination you're living in. Dream it away and wake up to clearer skies and a sense of understanding.

You roll up the driveway, right next to Niall’s land-rover. You remember when he bought it, not even needing much of the car salesman’s persuasion; “it’s perfect for rural areas, plus big enough to take up to 7 people. Can also fit in any size of child carrier, which we also stock.”

Niall was sold, and at the time, so were you. Now you just see the car and its emptiness. Even if you filled the back seats with shopping or luggage, there was only just the two of you travelling. Well, maybe three now.

                                                          oOo

Stepping into the house, you can’t help but already feel your eyes start to brim with tears. Your favourite candle is burning, and you can faintly hear music from down the hallway, coming from Niall’s home studio. You didn’t even mind that it was only 70% soundproof - his talent was unfathomable and you enjoyed listening to him create music as if he was pulling the melodies and chords straight from the sun and stars above.

You shuffle your shoes off, heading over to the studio just to be near him for a moment - just before you fully break. You want to remember him like this; not knowing. Not worrying.

He has headphones on and is scribbling words and chord progressions down. Whether it comes to fruition or not, he thrives on the process. He bashes out a few more chords while you go to take off your coat and move away from the door, when he looks up through a sliver of the window in the door.

He’s surprised, to say the least. Of course, given that he hadn't seen you all day, he’s delighted that he’s finally able to embrace you and spend the rest of his day with his favourite person.

Niall had in fact, been a bit worried when he arrived home to see that you had left in the car. Nevertheless, he decided that spending time in the studio would ease his mind. He’d also been entertaining the possibility of having a pet, a new life inhabiting the beautiful 4 bedroom home you lived in. A puppy, he was thinking - or a kitten if it’s what you’d want instead. He just wants you to be happy, knowing that your true purpose in life is to care for others. It hurts him that you’re barely managing to care for yourself, and that he hasn't been able to give you a child, a little love created by the two of you. 

“There’s m’lover, where ya been?” he opens the door and steps out just in joggers and a casual t-shirt. His eyes are pure sunshine, his embrace warm, open, and loving, until he sees you’re trying to hold back tears. In an instant, his eyebrows furrow as his face deepens with worry. His embrace is softer, kinder, now afraid that one wrong word and he’ll have lost you for the rest of the day. 

Tentatively, he whispers, stepping much closer to you.

“...What’s happened? hey c'mere”

You can only shake your head silently as the overwhelming mixed emotions build up, and so he pulls you in even closer, hoping that it will make things even a little bit better. You can’t be in his arms for long though, and he realises as you weaken against him. The sofa in the studio is already pulled out and he makes sure you're stable enough to sit you there, before kneeling before you.

“you need to sit, Ni. Please, for me.” And this time it’s not just for the sake of his bad knee.

So he sits, taking your hand to hold, rubbing your thumb with his as he faces you waiting for you to stop nervously biting your lip. 

“Baby c’mon, you’re scarin’ me...” Niall prompts you, his own voice shaking now as you both wait for you to get your words out properly.

“I was at the doctors Ni...I, somehow I, I know we weren’t trying but....I’m pregnant” 

Your breath is now held, time ticking by so slowly it feels, as you sit there waiting for his reaction. The wind had most certainly been knocked out of you when you were told. The terrifying prospect of having another chance after the trauma of losing two in just a few months prior, is extremely daunting, and causes for a true silence to be better able to come to terms with the news.

“And i’m scared, we stopped trying because we can’t lose another one...not again.” Your voice breaks as you finally let the tears fall. 

The whole time, he’s been frozen still, his mouth parted slightly and blinking every few moments when another stream of information floods his brain with possibilities - both positive and negative. He can’t quite believe it, all this news coming to him at once leaves him utterly speechless. He’s surprised, not only that you went to the doctors office alone, but that you’re expecting his baby, too. 

He finally breaks the dam of deafening silence as he sees you cry. Your words had previously been muffled in his head ever since you had said “pregnant” when his mind began racing a mile a minute. But now you’re in front of him, crying, and scared of losing yet another baby, something that has broken you twice before, back when he world felt against the two of you and when soft touches and intimacy were coated with what-ifs, and an unmistakeable tension between the two of you.

You weren't sure you could face that for a third time.

“Darlin’, oh darlin’ it’ll be okay...” he comforts you, immediately by your side and holding you close “Did the doctor say the baby was healthy?” 

Seeing you nod through your tears was enough for him, his face lighting up as you confirm that you’re growing a healthy baby.

“Yeah?” he smiles softly “Please don’t cry. I can’t see ya like this. Can’t see the mother of m’child like this...we’re gonna be parents” and in his wonderful charming way, he’s finally able to get a small smile from you. He squeezes you and kisses your temple as he sees this. “This is gonna be it, I can feel it. We deserve this. S’gonna be alright this time. M’gonna look after ya.”

“But what if it’s not alright again Ni..I can’t lose a third...I can’t put us through that again...what if I can’t carry a baby full term and I only ever get to be 8 weeks along! I-” You burst out, confirming Niall’s thoughts that the pressure of a healthy pregnancy was weighing you down already, your past already threatening you with the worst before you even get to envision the best. He’s about to console you further, explaining that you’re just early, you can take it slow, and he’ll be there for you regardless, as he promised when he married you all those years ago.

It’s not until you say 8 weeks, that he halts his words before he’s even begun, and his mouth falls open in surprise.

“8 weeks...8?! Already?! You’ve definitely had a drink or two love, and we’re not exactly tame in the bedroom...’v’never made it this far before...does it not make ya think....that this one is already so strong?” Niall reasons with you, tenderly. Your tears have run down your cheeks and your face remains red and slightly puffy but for now, you’ve stopped crying, considering his words carefully.

“Yeah i guess..it’s just terrifying Ni, I can’t-” you start off strong, but continue your thoughts with your head bowed in shame, whispering “it’s like I’m scared to love them...’

He shushes you, heartbroken that you feel even the tiniest bit of doubt that this time, it won’t happen. That this is just another set up for a certain loss. He kisses your temple, his arm wrapped around your waist protectively.

“Whatever happens, we have each other. we’ll do what we have to do. But ya gotta know that i’m gonna start loving on this baby from this very moment, ‘cause i know we’ve got a little fighter in there.”

And he means it. He intends to keep that spark of hope alive for the both of you until you feel like perhaps there is a happy ending, and that the third time is the charm after all. He takes you upstairs after he’s able to lift your spirits, the studio soon filled with soft laughter and so much love. When you go to order some dinner, he absolutely insists on you making an appointment to see the baby. 

He’s with you through all of your fears as you candidly discuss them together that evening. It’s something that your doctor had recommended, and it means that you’re both on the same page. He can soothe your worries, and you get to tell him everything you know about the baby. It makes it much more real and far less scary when you look at things together. 

                                                          oOo

You head to bed together that night. He’s soothed almost every little worry you have for hours and in turn, he’s now an expert on the tiny little love inside you. 

“Gonna get ya some vitamins tomorrow. Gotta keep ya strength up for this little lover” Niall whispers in the darkness of the bedroom. 

“Little lover is a cute nickname,” you muster up the courage to hope and dream, “we can write that on their crib, too.’

Niall grins.

The curtains are shut as you both lay there, talking about all the possibilities you have now as three. He’s pressed against you in the middle of the bed, his hand with his wedding ring on your barely-there belly. You feel safe, comfortable, and most surprisingly of all, excited. The love between you and Niall in this very moment is tangible and deeper than you could’ve ever imagined. 

You may be in the same room as you woke up anxious and alone in that morning, but here, now, in that very place, you realise that home is a person, not a place.

[megalony]

Liar- Part 6

Yet another update on this latest Roger Taylor series which I hope everyone is enjoying so far. There are mentions of past abuse in this part.

Permanent taglist: @marshmallowmae @langdonzvoid @butlegendsneverdie @jennyggggrrr @luvborhap @radiob-l-a-hblah @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6 @rogertaylors-lipgloss @sj-thefan

Series taglist: @caborhapch @im-just-a-musical-prostitute @scarsout

Series masterlist

Enjoy.

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"Good day?" (Y/n) couldn't keep the smile from her face as she asked her question the moment she set foot in Roger's home. As soon as he had opened the door his arms had enveloped around her and practically dragged her inside. A bright smile on his lips that she hadn't seen on him for a few days now as he leaned to press his lips to her own. His hands resting on her sides, thumbs feathering up and down her hipbones before he leaned to shut the door behind her.

For a while now when (Y/n) came round to Roger's place or when he came over to her apartment he had seemed rather down or anxious and there was no guessing why. He never usually opened the door with a smile so bright as he did today, nor did he seem so carefree as he did right now.

Not that (Y/n) was complaining, far from it.

"Amazing." Roger responded with a grin that looked positively cheeky, one that didn't disappear when he dipped his head down to connect their lips for a second time. (Y/n) cocked a brow to ask him to continue and tell her why today was so great as she slipped off her jacket and shoes before following the drummer into the living room. Seating herself down next to him on the sofa, crossing her legs beneath her as Roger moved so he was facing her. "We got my song finished today, the one I couldn't get the drumbeat for the other week. It sounds great, I can't wait to show you- Fred thinks it's gonna be a hit!"

The enthusiasm in Roger's voice was contagious as a broad smile flooded (Y/n)'s features at the news. She had been at the studio a few weeks back when Roger got angry at his drums. He could hit out any kind of beat or come up with random rhythms whenever and wherever but that day none of them had sounded right for the kind of song he had playing in his mind.

Now he had gotten the beat and got it wrapped up and ready like a present for Christmas Roger was over the moon. It always made him happy to know that the boys liked it as well and to know that Freddie thought this one was going to be a hit made Roger's mood lighten significantly.

The band had been a bit apprehensive about Roger coming back to the studio the very next day after his sudden panic attack in the street last week. They had enough time on their hands for Roger to take a week off or at least a day or two so he could calm down and feel better. They wanted him to take a break since they had all been working so hard and clearly Roger wasn't one hundred percent right now. But Roger had insisted that he was fine and wanted to be back to get on with his song which had been their current song to work on and they didn't have the heart to tell him to go home and rest. He seemed fine enough so why make him go home?

The drummer had to tell them yet another lie last week. Simply saying he hadn't been feeling the greatest and suddenly suffered a panic attack but didn't know why. They bought it, of course they did. They thought Roger had suffered with mental health issues before which he did, but just for different reasons than they thought. It was a normal thing for people to not know what caused their panic attacks, they could happen at random so the band didn't question things. John had driven Roger back home that day just to be on the safe side, not wanting his friend to drive when he was shaking and in a state like that.

Sarah hadn't been back to the studio since then which helped Roger to feel calm and more at ease knowing she wasn't hanging around to watch and scrutinise. The band were getting to a point where they were almost finished with this album so they were working that bit harder to finish everything up. They had three more songs to perfect and then they needed to add the finishing touches on a few other songs if the tapes would allow it. They needed some more back up vocals on one of John's songs and Brian wanted to go over his part in a different song. So when this was finished they would have a few weeks off before they got a tour planned and set in motion.

"Rog that's great, I can't wait to listen to it."

A small blush crept up the side of Roger's neck and spread to paint a dusty rose colour over his cheeks that pushed up to his eyes as he smiled. He loved his music and it was so satisfying to finish a song and be truly proud and happy with what he had created. To not have that little annoying voice in the back of his head telling him that he needed to change this drumbeat or take out that cymbal or ask John to change his bass line. It was like he was on cloud nine to feel this proud and thrilled with his song. The feedback from the band was something that also made Roger giddy like a schoolboy again.

"There were no... visitors, today." Roger responded, a hint of something in his voice that (Y/n) couldn't exactly place but she understood what he was referring to in an instant.

Roger wasn't sure if Brian had talked to Sarah or not to tell her that with how close they were to finishing they'd prefer to be on their own or if she had simply decided to give Roger a break. She had popped in quite a lot on her days off or her lunchbreak over the past three weeks and it had gotten to Roger more than he thought considering it had happened quite a lot over the years. Maybe it was because (Y/n) knew what Sarah had done, maybe Roger was feeling threatened by Sarah because if she did something (Y/n) was going to expose his lies for his own good.

Whatever it was it was distracting Roger and he didn't like the way she made him feel when she turned up at the studio. It was Roger's place of work and he didn't need her there to dampen his mood and make him feel unsafe in a place that he was almost every day. That wasn't fair to him after everything that had happened.

Sarah could easily go and see Brian at his home or have him go round to see her, they could go and see their parents and converse there or go out together outside of work. She didn't have to pop into the studio to catch up with Brian and she knew that. Something in Roger told him that Sarah was doing this to mess with him because it gave her pleasure, he could see her eyes sparkling when she knew she made him feel uncomfortable or unsafe.

"That's good... are you feeling alright since last week?" Roger hadn't lied to (Y/n). When he had opened the door to her looking paler than death and shaking he couldn't lie. He had tears falling from his eyes and blurring his vision until he buried his face into (Y/n)'s neck, needing the comfort that only she could give him. He had told her exactly what had happened and had convinced her that it was nothing that needed (Y/n) to tell Brian or anyone else what had happened. (Y/n) said if Sarah did anything else to Roger she wouldn't stand by and watch but this wasn't that bad in Roger's book. She had scratched him and had clung to him, she didn't attack him or whisper little threats or harmful poisonous words into his ear.

All Roger wanted was to forget it had ever happened and (Y/n) had complied with that for Roger's sake.

"Much better." Roger had felt so much better at the studio and at home when Sarah hadn't been there. She was like a shadow hanging around him or a fog clouding his vision but when she was gone Roger could see clear as day. He could work without that worry that put him off, he could go home and feel fine, he didn't feel that transition from uncomfortable to safe when he went from work to home. It was so much easier when she wasn't there because Roger could move on.

"I'm not trying to pry Rog, but I just wondered... the boys are so fine around her and the way she flirts with you. Do they actually know you dated her?"

If Roger told her to drop the subject then (Y/n) would comply instantly, he could tell her to shut up about it and she would. If he didn't feel comfortable talking or it made his mood drop significantly from when he walked in the door then they didn't have to talk about it. They could carry on with their night as if (Y/n) had never asked. But she only asked because she couldn't help but feel curious.

It was clear that Sarah hung around Roger a lot even if the boys didn't realise how nervous and uncomfortable she made Roger feel. If the boys knew the pair of them had dated (Y/n) thought it would have been awkward, especially for Brian. With his best friend and his sister having dated and then split it would have been weird for him especially when his sister still seemed to flirt with Roger even if it came off as harmless. The boys didn't seem to acknowledge the fact that Roger had gone out with Sarah years ago which begged the question did they actually know about the relationship or not.

Roger leaned back into the sofa, one hand knitting itself into his light blond hair as the other rested over the back of the sofa. His knees pulled up to rest beneath him as his lips pressed into a thin line as he thought about his answer and if he really wanted this conversation or not.

"No." Roger sighed through the word as his head leaned to the side, resting on the hand knitted into his hair. "We weren't actually 'dating' we just... she seemed nice. She wanted to know me, she was funny and flirted with me, no one else seemed to. I was nineteen and she was twenty four, two years older than Brian. It was just meant to be fun, just hookups." Roger hadn't had that many relationships before but when he met Sarah there was this older girl who flirted shamelessly with him and who genuinely wanted to know him. She seemed to care, she wanted to know him and they just seemed to click.

Roger didn't tell Brian because it was his older sister and it wasn't a relationship, they were friends who hooked up a few times, it wasn't really Brian's business.

"You don't have to tell me." Reaching out, (Y/n) rested a cautious hand on top of Roger's which was on the back of the sofa. Feeling him hold her hand tightly as he forced his lips to move in a way that resembled a fraction of a smile. A gesture that showed he appreciated her words. She didn't want him to feel he had to talk to her if he didn't want to, this was Roger's life, his personal secrets and identity. If he didn't feel able to talk about it or he felt he didn't want to confide in (Y/n) then she would be fine with that.

"I want to tell you. It wasn't... she didn't lead me on or anything like that, she wasn't drawing me in. She wanted to be together but I didn't, it was meant to be some fun. I liked her a lot but not in that way, I could flirt with her but I didn't want a relationship, I had uni and the band and work, there just wasn't time for that." Sarah hadn't preyed on Roger, she hadn't been that older woman who draws in younger men to exploit them or to hurt him. She wanted to be in a relationship rather than their 'friends with benefits' status but Roger didn't want to do that.

Roger had university which was his priority and took up a lot of his time and then he had Smile with Brian and Tim. A band was what Roger desperately wanted and needed, between studies, the few gigs the band managed to get and then working down the market with Freddie Roger didn't have time for a relationship. He was at a place in his life where he didn't need one nor did he feel he wanted one. A few hookups with a good friend suited him fine and he wasn't even sure if being with Sarah was what he wanted or would have liked. He didn't know if he liked her in that way so it wouldn't have been fair to lead her on to then break up anyway.

"I ended the hookups, it wasn't fair if she wanted more and I didn't mind being friends but... she just, she kept pushing. She came to my flat one night and we hung out for a while and it was fine, then she started kissing me..." Closing his eyes Roger tipped his head back, no one in the world knew what he was about to confide to (Y/n). Something in him told him that he couldn't, he couldn't let anyone know what happened to him but the other part of him knew talking was helping. (Y/n) wouldn't judge, she was listening to understand and try to help. "She just wouldn't stop... she forced herself onto me a-and after, she told me she wanted to be with me. She did that and then wanted me to be with her. I thought she'd leave me alone, she did that to me and I said no so I thought that was it."

(Y/n) felt his hand tighten around her own as she pressed her lips into a thin line so tightly they were no longer visible. How could someone try and force another person to be with them? How could Sarah do that to Roger and then think he would be fine with being with her when she violated him and his wishes like that?

"I couldn't get her to go away, she'd come to my flat, she'd hang around my classes at uni or at the pub I went to. When she came to the flat she wouldn't leave, she'd do shit when I tried to get her out so I stopped making her go. Then she did it again." If she hadn't of done what she did to Roger he would have been fine with staying friends. They liked the same kind of stuff and they got along, they could have talks about politics and she understood his work for uni so she could help. She was a great friend but a horrible person when she didn't get her way. Roger just wanted her to leave him alone but she seemed fixated on him.

"Did what again?" The words flew out of her mouth before she could stop them. (Y/n) wanted to be certain about what he was telling her but deep down she knew what he was referring to. The way his eyes seemed to lose their sparkle and how the blue faded from his eyes made her heart shatter in her chest. She didn't want to see Roger like this again, it was too heartbreaking to bear.

"Came onto me after I said no. I snapped, I hit her and told her to leave. I started pushing and shoving her to the living room to get her to the door and she grabbed a knife. Suddenly I-... I'd pushed her and she smacked her head on the table. I thought... I don't... I left. She was out cold so I went to Fred's place, I was gonna tell him but Brian was there. They thought I'd slashed my arm so I said yes. When I went home she'd gone and she, she stopped coming round." Roger had been terrified that he'd pushed her too hard, that she had smashed her head too forcefully on the table and had died or she would bleed out right there. But he couldn't help her, if Roger tried to help her and she either died or she woke up he was in trouble either way. She would have murdered him if she woke up.

Roger wasn't waiting to get attacked again and he had been hurt. She had violated him and then assaulted him with a knife, he needed help instead of getting the life beaten out of him. She had cut him and he pushed her, he bled out all the way to Freddie's place and needed stitches in hospital.

There was no choice for Roger.

He couldn't have told Brian his sister had sexually assaulted him twice and started hurting him when he told her to leave or that he didn't want to see her again. He couldn't tell Brian that his sister had almost cut through his artery in a fit of rage or that he had knocked her out by accident and left her unconscious in his apartment. Brian either wouldn't have believed him or would have cut all contact with him and Roger couldn't lose him. He had lost part of himself after what Sarah did to him, losing Brian and the future of the band they were creating would have killed Roger off.

"I'm so sorry for what she put you through and the fact you can't have that closure. But I think it's brave to try and act civil and as if you're alright around her when you have the right to scream and shout."

(Y/n) couldn't erase the past. She couldn't stop Sarah from doing what she did to Roger and she couldn't make what she did okay or bearable for Roger to live with. All (Y/n) could do was offer her support and love him how he deserved. Roger had the right to scream at Sarah, to push her out of the studio and tell Brian exactly what she had done to him but he didn't. He did the bravest thing he could and faced his abuser whenever she walked into his life. He acted civil with her, he allowed her to sit so close next to him and to whisper and flirt with him even when it made him uncomfortable and feel unsafe. He allowed her to be around his friends and for them to think she was kind and sweet and everything in between.

Roger didn't play the victim and he didn't express that he was even a victim in the situation. He let his attacker waltz free and walk in and out of his life whenever she wanted. That was the bravest thing anyone could do and (Y/n) admired the strength Roger held within him to be able to do that.

[tipsandtricksfordogs-blog]

How do dog training collars work?

Here are 10 Dog Training Tips: How to Train a Dog

1 Timing is Critical

At a neurological level, training is essentially fusing connections between your remarks and the behavior so that it’s greater/less possibly to show up subsequent time. But those connections weaken as time passes, specifically with puppies due to the fact they’re very present-second creatures (one in all my favored things approximately them). For example in case you punish a canine for something they did an hour ago, they’ll haven't any concept what you’re speaking approximately: Why did you poop inside the residence earlier this afternoon? NO. Whereas in case you’re able to offer your comments right away it’s a lot greater powerful: Why did you simply poop in the residence? NO.

You can check extra 21 fun and easy games are designed to transform your dog from brainless to first rate! (Dog Training Tips folks partner dog training with physical behaviors like sitting on command, however the most important education you may provide is for your canine’s mental country. The primary idea is to use your positive and poor remarks to persuade them towards a relaxed kingdom of thoughts. The importance of this can't be overstated because a peaceful state of mind gives the foundation for all the healthy behavior you need, while tense puppies tend to now not concentrate and react unpredictably.

For instance whilst dogs are freaking out, I regularly see humans petting them reassuringly or selecting them up, but from a conditioning perspective that’s just encouraging their tension with tremendous remarks. A better method might be to issue moderate poor remarks to allow them to recognize you don’t approve of their mentality (however not too much due to the fact bad comments itself also causes anxiety).

The first-rate method but, is providing nice feedback for the easy act of being calm, especially in a probably tense situation. When operating with reactive puppies, once I see a canine coming, I’ll get a deal with out and make sure mine is aware of about it. Then I watch carefully as the alternative canine passes. If mine reacts anxiously even the slightest bit (observe this is earlier than any overt bodily reaction) I without delay problem poor comments and make a clear display of rescinding the treat. Alternatively, in the event that they live calm because the canine passes, increase they get the treat along side effusive reward. Over time, applying this type of comments works wonders for organising a consistently calm state of thoughts.

2.Teach the Street

Streets are the single best threat to your dog’s lifestyles, and yet training for streets usually lands somewhere between horrendous and non-existent. For instance I frequently see humans making their doggies sit down down earlier than they cross the street. But what exactly is that take a seat teaching the canine? And are proprietors absolutely going to hold that up continuously? (No). It frustrates me due to the fact the street is genuinely pretty clean to educate. There are  things to realize:

First, dogs are actually quite top at spotting the distinction between streets and sidewalks, because the street is an expanse of uninteresting concrete while the sidewalk + yards are full of splendid matters to odor. So instead of setting them in a sit, teach them the cut back as a boundary, and train them to in no way step off the cut down into the street with out you. To teach this I like to walk with a canine proper alongside the lower, basically tempting them to step off, and once they do I’ll freak the fuck out (poor remarks) to establish the boundary. Then I follow up with lots of effective comments as we retain walking near the threshold collectively, looking especially for those moments while the dog considers stepping off and decides in opposition to it.

Combined with robust remember, this kind of education can create all forms of possibilities for treasured freedom.

Four Give your puppy clear guidelines.

The domestic dog wishes clean regulations from the primary day it arrives at your private home. You’ll need to make the guidelines easy to observe. For example, in case you do not need the puppy upstairs, placed up a stair gate. If you don’t want a canine begging for meals on the table, in no way feed a doggy food from your plate. Remember no longer to scold the puppy too much or his/her agree with in you may go down

3 Find the proper praise.

It is nearly not possible to educate a domestic dog with out some kind of praise worried. Most dogs reply well to meals rewards. However, be aware that once education with food rewards, or "treats," you should use small treats, even pieces of everyday dog food paintings!

Feeding large treats whenever you give a reward will quickly make your canine unhealthy and overweight. Use excessive price treats for brand new paintings, as an example turkey is very healthful for puppies, and decrease cost foods, like a piece of canine meals, while doing re-schooling work.

Some dogs respond higher to toys. You can reward a canine that loves fetching by throwing the ball whenever he does something correct, or any other dog by means of playing a short game of tug-of-battle. However, toy rewards take in more time, can get the puppy too excited and wound up to train, or may also get dull after a while. Toys

[annaluna]

sun. oct27.

it’s 9:53pm and i’m sitting on chloe’s couch, thinking about how little i want to go to work tomorrow. i know it’s the depression talking-- forgetting to take my welbutrin for 3 days in a row is going to/starting to take a toll on my mental health. it’s weird- every single day that i “forgot” to take it was me barely forgetting. i distinctly sat in bed, or at my parent’s, wherever i was, knowing it was there and that i should take it, but for some reason putting it off.

“for some reason” is even a generous term because i literally can think of no reason why i neglected to do that for myself. and i even was aware of how stupid it was to not take it WHILE i was making the active decision to not. it’s stupid and frustrating. i’ve been talking to my therapist about how i have trouble motivating myself to do things that are good for me and that i find it so much more rewarding to do things for others. i really, really want to change that. it’s hard to find the internal drive to take care of yourself when i have to also somewhat worry about generating the reward. if i help someone else, it’s their responsibility to give me feedback, and if i’m doing something genuinely nice and helpful, it isn’t hard for them to give it to me. i feel most okay when i have helped someone. it would be amazing, the things i could do, if i could feel as great about helping myself.

i think a way for me to feel better about tomorrow is for me to put effort into what i’d look like. i feel absolutely disgusting most days, and i know it’s sometimes partially because i don’t try, but sometimes, even when i do, i feel it. like i’m dirty or ugly or horrible no matter what i do. i’m realizing as i get older just how bad my self-esteem really can be. but the EMDR therapy is helpful in that i can sometimes lately reflect on my strength of being great at soothing children at work-- weird! but good weird. 

the whole EMDR thing seemed sort of quack-y to me, but i’m staying open. and now that i feel like i am already feeling somewhat of a change in a positive direction, it’s something to hold on to. a lot of the time with my depression, as corny as it sounds, i feel like i’m just trying to tread water or stay above it. 

i think i’m going to get in the shower and try to figure out some kind of outfit for tomorrow that won’t make me feel bad. maybe a hairstyle. i think i’ll find some kind of self-care challenge on here to help me motivate myself to do GOOD for me. the grammar here isn’t my best, but who cares? 

[matthewxia]

Doing Things Better ITC

Last year, in November, I was announced as the incoming Artistic Director of The Actors touring Company - ATC as it’s more popularly known. 

This was not for want of trying - actually this was one of a number of attempts to get myself into a leadership position with a company whose work I highly respected.  

The ATC application process stood out to me - of course it did - I got the job! But it wasn’t simply because I was successful in application, but because it was one of few processes which I could describe as:

Open 

Fair 

Transparent

And I think we are all in agreement with the application of these terms to any recruitment taking place within our sector - especially at the level of senior management and artistic leadership.

I had made a number of assumptions going through these many processes but could only really confirm some of my suspicions once I had spoken to a number of peers who had also run the full length of the 2017 - 2018 leadership competition. And it is important for organisations to know this - we speak. 

The disparity in how different processes are run, and even how different candidates are treated astounded me. I very much enjoy the conspiracy of it all, shady deals and whispered words - Tarek Iskander assures me it’s just good old fashioned incompetence. 

Open, Fair and Transparent - On the contrary I would describe many of the processes as...

Slightly ajar, unfair and oblique. 

Here are some thoughts... 

1. Some panels have little understanding of what it is for an individual to sit before a panel with whom they share very little, in regard to identifying characteristics. 

This could be the black woman who sat and faced two all white panels. And said to herself - I just can’t do this. 

It could be me  - having got through two rounds with diverse panels finally sitting and being interviewed by three white middle-class women.

It could be the disabled candidate who - having got the job - may have then struggled to access their office. 

2. It costs a lot mentally, physically - and its detrimental to mental health to go through these processes with no candidate care. 

I have now emailed the chair of one board four times asking for feedback on my interview - I have been ignored four times. This was for an executive level position. 

A panel couldn’t make a decision between me and another final choice. So - on the Monday we expected to be told the result - instead of doing the right thing and just calling it we were asked to prepare two years worth of programming. Where on earth programs two years in advance! We were then told that the board were taking annual leave so we would reconvene in a month. A month! In this month my mental health seriously suffered. Left agonising over budgets, show titles, casting and commissions instead of being present for the annual holiday with my daughter and partner, or being present for my fiancé’s 40th in which I took her to Paris only to bother her with suggestions of Brecht over Boeuf Borgingon. 

3. Panels are distributing different information to different panelist’s, stacking the odds in favour for preferred candidates - intentionally or otherwise 

I sat and compared email responses to the simple question: who will be on the panel?

Whilst I was told that this information couldn’t be shared my peer showed me the response she had been sent - detailing the names and biographies of all panelist’s. Leaving the interview I bumped into another candidate - who told me that they knew two of the panelist’s but this was hear say. 

—

In conclusion I would argue that Boards need a serious shake up around the idea of fair and transparent recruitment at senior level. 

In my experience...

Boards...

...have unspoken agendas. 

...tend to be aware of the work made at the theatre for which they are a trustee....

...but lack awareness of the wider industry...

Don’t apply due diligence to the process ensuring applicants receive the same information and treatment. 

In contrast the ATC recruitment: 

Was up front about preparation, presentations and panel attendance. 

Allowed us due time to meet and ask questions. 

Introduced us to the staff. 

Presented a truly diverse and representative panel including artists, ACE and ITC at all stages. 

At each stage - introduced everyone in the room, and explained the process. 

Allowed for feedback and dialogue at each stage. 

Think about what you can do to ensure your recruitment processes give every candidate the very best chance of succeeding and are genuinely Open, Fair, and Transparent.