#but also i planned on doing it asap bc i have to do the internship too (which is three months full time)

[irritablepoe]

why always headache? :(

also why did they give me the most boring topic for my degree help

[freesomebodybyluna]

Went to go see barbie with a coworker today, which was suuuper good btw and after we went to get froyo, which was so nice bc we talked for like 2 hrs until going home hehe I love making friends!!

[petruchio]

hi caroline, i hope this is okay to ask, but could you talk a little bit about your "post-graduation, getting a job" journey? i also majored in literature, and graduated last fall. i wasn't actively job searching bc i planned to go to grad school, but when i didn't get in anywhere this spring, suddenly plans have shifted into Getting A Job ASAP Is The Top And Only Priority ;~; i'm almost at the point where i'm starting to regret getting a humanities degree, and wondering why past me didn't major in something more practical and lucrative, like engineering. from one lit major to another, how did you overcome this feeling of fear of being unemployable? or maybe you didn't have it all? i'd be grateful for any insight you had!! ~ sincerely, a very scared literature major

oh yeah of course!! i think ive answered a few similar questions, but i can't find them at the moment -- if i do i will come back and link them here as well, but im so happy to talk about it!! also here’s my job search tag though it’s mostly just me being insane -- it’s probably not that helpful. but let me do my best to give some helpful advice.

one thing i think is important to remember about getting a job with a less straightforward degree is that you don’t *have* to get a job in what your degree is in. like i don’t work in books or literature at all. my job is barely related to my degree and i kind of just stumbled into it (there is a lot of luck involved!) and now i'm just trying to do my best? i figure it will lead me to the next thing, and that will lead me to the next, and eventually ill find my place. while i do have my weekly existential crises, i am actually pretty chill about my career because i am only 22 and i know i don’t know anything at all yet, so how am i supposed to know what my career calling is? i say this just to say basically don’t pressure yourself to be like, the foremost editor at a top publishing house or a prize-winning journalist right out of college. (great if you are!! but it’s not a requirement.) like if you’re not interested in doing journalism (i wasn’t, personally) don’t feel pressured to do it. there’s nothing commanding you write articles just because you have a literature degree.

one thing to ask yourself -- what have you done that you enjoyed? i had a student internship doing comms work that i enjoyed, so i put that on my resume and searched for jobs with similar tasks. it doesn’t have to have been an amazing internship at a famous top company where you were the star intern for the entire year. but did you do research with a professor? work somewhere on campus? write for the school newspaper? was there one class where you really excelled? those are all great things to put on your post grad resume and use them in interviews! hiring managers KNOW you were a student. they’re not expecting you to have a fully developed resume yet! they want to know what you’re good at — your experiences so far will take you farther than you are probably currently thinking they will.

my other best advice is DO INFORMATIONAL INTERVIEWS. these literally saved my life. for the record, yes they are terrifying and yes they are super awkward. but i think they are the best thing you can do while job searching, especially as a new grad. reach out to alums on linkedin (bonus points if you have the same major!) and ask your college career center if they have a way to connect you with other alums. send them a cold message saying basically this:

"Hi (name)! I am a new graduate from/current student in X major at X university, and I am currently exploring my career options for after graduation. (Sentence saying we have xyz in common, major, university, career goal). I saw your profile, and I really admire your career path. I was wondering if you had (10, 20, 30) minutes for a quick phone call or Zoom chat to talk more about your experience in the industry? Thank you so much!"

you will be surprised by how many people will take you up on this!! and in those, i would ask basically — “can you tell me a bit about your career path” “what led you to your current position” “do you have any suggestions what titles to look for as entry level job in your field?” and things like that. (that last one helps a lot — you have never worked in the career world before! there is probably a job title you don’t even know exists that is an entry level role in a field that appeals to you.) they will do most of the talking -- just take good notes and ask thoughtful questions and you are golden :)

the great thing about informational interviews is that not only can you make great connections and get really helpful advice, but it also gives you good practice with the language and conversational style of people in the career sphere. you have been a student up until now -- and that’s fine! but talking to people who are established in their career can help you focus your own interview skills, literally just by listening to them talk and hearing how they talk about their role. it helped me TON in interviews to just have that language, because as a student, it just wasn’t something i was familiar with. it’s good, low stakes practice for improving your job interviews once you get to that stage.

my last piece of advice with these interviews is don’t go in expecting them to offer you a job -- that basically never happens. BUT! sometimes they will tell you what to search for! sometimes they will hook you up with a recruiter! sometimes they will tell you that this career path sucks and not to pursue it under any circumstances! all of those are great outcomes and you will learn something you didn’t know before. the great thing about informational interviews is that they are INFORMATIONAL -- and getting that information is a really good first step, especially if you didn’t do a lot of career prep work during undergrad (i know i didn’t 🤪)

also just know that job hunting SUCKS. it’s demoralizing, it’s depressing, it can make you feel really bad about yourself. there’s no good way around it, and i wish it wasn’t like that, but i think acknowledging that can be good just so you don’t feel like you’re drowning and that you’re the only one going through it. it sucks. im sorry. having a job also sucks. everyone goes through it. that’s just… life i guess.

but also remember that you are not your job or your career. you are a whole person with passions and talents and drive that have no connection to whatever it is that you will end up doing for work. don’t let it get you down too much. it will all work out. everything will be fine. you are smart, you are talented, and most of all, you are loved by so many people who couldn’t care less what you do for a job. me included!! if you’re reading this -- i love you! and im super proud of you. you graduated. that’s a huge accomplishment. now go kick some job searching butt!! and negotiate your salary. always negotiate your salary ;)

[studylustre]

hi carol!! i’m moving to london from halfway across the globe for uni (to study psych!!) soon and i’m excited but also kind of scared… any tips for living in london / going to uni / studying psych? p.s. ive been following your blog for so long and it’s been such a motivation for me!! 💖

hihi!! that's such exciting news EEEE congratulations!! tbh, i don't have too many tips for living in london since i only moved semi-recently and most of my london life so far has been carried out indoors due to the pandemic sdfjglksdjfg. in terms of going to uni and studying psych though, there's a few tips i can give u! i also have a bunch of advice masterposts tagged under /uni so do check that out as well ^^

advice 📖

do noooot buy textbooks that the uni tells u are essential bc they really are not 💀 they're so expensive and u hardly, if ever, use them. if u must, borrow them from the uni library or buy them second hand from older students - do NOT buy them new bc it's a huge rip off

extra reading. for first year, extra reading isn't super necessary but it will be for second and third year. for that, google scholar is a dream!! it's worth reading into abstracts and taking notes here and there for relevant content. you don't need to go into too much detail, but knowing the main highlights of different studies and papers can a great way of adding extra *oomph* to ur answers and bumping up ur grade!!

flashcards are the mvp. this depends on ur learning style i think, but flashcards were a lifesaver for me especially when memorising the main findings and principles of different case studies/theories!!

use an organisational system. if u haven't got one already, using some sort of organisational system is a must for uni to keep on top of deadlines and assignments and social events. i personally just used a bullet journal but things like planners, google calendar, trello, notion etc are suuuuper useful for keeping track of everything bc u will inevitably forget something!!

think about internships. if u can, it's a good idea to apply for internships in ur second or third year to add to ur cv. it's not the most fun thing to think about (god knows this caused me much grief and stress) but it's important and u will be glad u did it when ur applying for jobs later down the line

be careful with ur finances. idk about u but the first time i got my student loan, i was !!!!! personified bc it was the most money i'd ever had in my bank account at once. bc of that, it's easy to get caught up in lots of takeaways and online shopping BUT BE CAREFUL bc money can go out the window f a s t. be conscious of ur spending bc going deep into ur overdraft can be a tricky hole to get out of

plan for second year accommodation asap. second year can roll around fast and if ur living outside of home, it's a good idea to roughly figure out who u want to be living with asap (this is by christmas, if ur incapable of relaxing like me sdjlgkjsdfg). the sooner the better bc u need time to finalise ur housemates and decide + put down a deposit on a house for second and maybe third year, and that can take time!!

join societies!! it's a great way of meeting new people and making friends, even if ur super chronically shy like me

don't do things that go against ur principles, but do try to do things out of ur comfort zone. that's how u grow and u might be surprised how much fun u have

[pocketramblr]

the “Boy kidnapped by father and forced into villainy until he and friends get him out” fanfic trope au but this time its two boys and neither are who you thought of first fanfic timeeee

- So Chimera has a sibling called Manticore, who also has a Sorta Monstrous Human form and a far bigger stronger form. Manticore is a better strategist and leader than Chimera, but is weaker in either form, and thus problems.

- but dun dun, Chimera and Manticore have sons. Sons who got *some* of their quirks and physical mutations, but not all of them. Also, um, Chimera didn’t know, until a rival got too close to the group from information he shouldn’t have. He tracked it to one Ms Amajiki, a former acquaintance and on storming into her apartment found that 1- she was being held hostage there 2- she apparently had a kid who was sitting frozen in fear with someone holding a weapon to him 3- she apparently had a kid with him if the scent was right and had never told him, only for the kid to be used against both of them.

- Ok, good news: he takes care of the rivals. Bad news: he takes Tamaki and threatens him if his mother so much as thinks about calling for help to get him back.

- When Mirio knocks on her door begging to see Tamaki because he didn’t visit all weekend and wasn��t at school, she tells him he had to go to his father’s place.

- At his father’s place, Tamaki is Straight Up Not Having A Good Time, but learns as well as these family members, he has a cousin- the Manticore’s son looks less scary- a long tail, but with fluff at the end instead of spikes, toe beans but no claws. his name is Ojiro Mashirao, and he wants to get out too

- Thats obviously not going to happen for A While, but good news- it does eventually. 

- The boys do a little thing called ‘weaponizing tensions’ and so a fight happens between Manticore and Chimera when heroes strike, and Mashirao gives Manticore a dose of less potent Trigger than they thought they were getting, causing it to fail halfway through the encounter. Tamaki takes the good Trigger and lies to his father that both of the others were caught, and he doesn't care much.

- minor note here, but Mashirao does have a 'monster form' as well, where his tail gets spiked, he gets claws, body gets more lion-like, and teeth sharpen. The problem is it's very painful to shift as his body isn't as well suited to the quirk as his parent's is- and his monster form means some severe loss in being able to think and reason and be in control of himself. For these reasons, once he gets out and gets help, he decides to be a hero without his quirk, just his normal body and tail. And then he'll go back and save his cousin in return for the older boy getting him out. I imagine he like ten at this point.

- "Pocket is that just to make the Shinsou thing worse?" Lol of course

- Another minor note, most of the villains in the parents' group had mutation quirks, most rather scary. The kids were easily the youngest ones there and were frequently just called "the pretty boy" and "the plain boy" with equal derision. Yay more problems

- ok and now it's time for more pain. The remaining people with Chimera's group slowly start dwindling and will continue to. Anyway. Circumstances arise and somehow Tamaki runs into Mirio. That's great except he's not going to tell him he needs help bc he doesn't really feel like getting them both mauled by his father today.

- Mirio does think something sus is up tho

- lol what if I went so far to say Mashirao gets adopted by Aizawa after he gets out? If it can happen to izuku it can happen to him. Anyway point is most of the kids are going off to UA! Everyone that normally would. Erm except Tamaki

- Chimera is actually fine with that friendship starting up again. Mostly bc Tamaki is expected to gather information on the heroes and keep their shrinking group away from them and safe.

- He does, mostly, but it still ends up being the two of them left, then they get split up. Nine- or whatever he was called before the expiramentation- saves Chimera and gets taken back to the last safehouse. Tamaki regrets to see them because he was really hoping that would be the end of it but alas. They're apparently joining this guy's group now.

- Anyway at UA Mashirao is having a swell time being a first year. Except for him being called plain again, and the villains attacking the USJ, and his adopted dad getting super injured there... But mostly he's having a good time.

- Chimera is busy the day of the festival, and Nine is in surgery, and I guess the other two villains in their group don't bother to watch the sports festival. Tamaki does though, in a cafe, and is shocked to see his cousin on the first year stage. Shocked, and worried, but also happy for him.

- Mashirao might not drop out of the third round here. He needs to make a splash to get an internship and hero asap to help his cousin, though it makes him feel sick. He still very much warns izuku about Brainwashing.

- Internships happen, Hosu happens, and when the kids come back to UA Mashirao is suspicious of the Alleyway Trio that the encounter with Stain didn't quite go as reported.

- He approaches them and asks if, hypothetically, they'd be down to fight another villain secretly to rescue a family member of his, because he really needs to keep this away from official heroes. Izuku wants to help, Shoto is always down, and Tenya is a bit annoyed that they seem to be ignoring the lesson they just learned but... On the other hand... The situation is bad and someone needs help.

- Aizawa is getting sus of Mashirao sneaking out with the others and suspects he's upset at him for training Shinsou. He is, actually, that's just only part of it. Finally, he has to come clean about it, and about the same time Izuku convinces them they can trust All Might with this as well.

- Discretion is had, and the raid goes successfully, just before the end of first term. Tamaki has no idea what's going on but is more than happy to tell them about Nine, the Doctor, and the plan there too.

- Andddd then the LoV makes things worse again probably. But life goes on and everyone is alive and safe yay

[catcze]

Hi Catte! I'm not sure if you're comfortable discussing real life topics on your blog but if you aren't it's totally fine to dismiss this! recently I've been feeling a bit lost about my future? like I'm not sure what job I really want to pursue and I just wanted to ask if you had any idea for yours. (think you said you were an english major but not 100% sure on that.) like I know it's all something okay to be confused about and you don't have to be certain but sometimes it gets all overwhelming. I also wanted to say that your blog is a massive comfort for me! sometimes i feel really down and seeing your notifications just cheer me up :) thank you :)

Love!! So sorry i'm getting back to this late!! kjndas Dw dw, I don't mind discussing real life-stuff here, but I'll just put it under a cut tho <33

Yeah, you got it right I'm an english major!! Regarding a job after graduation,,,, honestly, I’m probably as lost as you might be. I can agree that its deffo overwhelming and kinda intimidating when you try to take everything into account when planning your future haha,, 

I’ll be honest, I don’t have some grand reason for choosing to be an english major. I’ve never really gravitated to any specific course or job, which made choosing stuff pretty daunting. I chose to take up being an english major because i knew that I would be comfortable in it–– that I wasn’t in any real danger of failing. Boring reason, I know, but after being a STEM grad (where getting high grades was neither fun nor easy) taking up something comfortable and that I knew I was good at felt like a breath of fresh air. Maybe I could afford to be lax in the course I chose bc I knew that my family wouldn’t bat an eye if I ever felt like shifting or if I wanted to go back to college or whatever, so there wasn’t any pressure to be critical about my course or my job after, which is... good, I suppose.

Uhh, sorry, I got off track, but if I were to go for a job as an english major grad... I’m still not sure, but it’s likely that I’d go for being someone in charge of PR or social media, since I’ve got some background there as I basically control my english college’s social media and PR. Or maybe a reporter or a lawyer, since I’ve been told that I’m good at speaking (tho tbh it’s all just bravado–– my bitch ass is actually really scared of talking but atp I’m good at faking the confidence kajsdas) 

My more ambitious plans (and, honestly, riskier ones that I likely still need to think on) is to either go back and take up psych, or to continue as a model (something that, pre-pandemic, I had been doing pretty well, and that I actually do enjoy) though ever since the pandemic started, that plan has come to a halt, so I dunno if I’ll still proceed with it. 

ah, I’m not sure if this helped since I rambled quite a bit, but I hope that it still gave you something to think about, my love! I totally agree that there’s no pressure to be certain about your future asap–– just take your time with it and think things through. Being overwhelmed and unsure is completely normal, but it’s not something that you should let scare you into being passive and uncertain. Maybe if you’re still unsure about some things you can try to take up some brief internships at a couple of places, just to see how things work and to see if you think you’d enjoy yourself there (like, as long as you’re not endangering your safety or anything) ? Aaa the choice is yours either way, love.

ALSO omg that’s so sweet of you to say 👉👈🥺💞 I’m glad that I could provide some comfort to you when you’re not feeling the best, sweetheart <3 I hope I can continue to cheer you up! Thank you also for supporting my blog and enjoying my posts, babe 💞💞💞💞 Have a nice day!! Ily and I hope this helped even the tiniest bit <33

[inevitably-johnlocked]

I'm the 17 year old anon. Thanks so much Steph. I talked to my mom abt it and she was actually supportive. I guess it's because I've been keeping it in and she didn't realise something was wrong. My dad will take me to some campuses this weekend to have a look. (my country is free of covid-19, so we're starting school soon). Overall, my parents felt bad for pressuring me and mom told me that she's actually pushing me to apply bcs she's a uni dropout and she doesn't want me to regret it. (1)

Mom told me I can take a gap-year, dad did it before. Tbh I don't want to take a gap-year. I actually want to start asap, but due to some visa complications I have to wait. (I'm an immigrant). Dad said he'll talk to a friend of his abt giving me an internship in his company, while I try gathering myself, I don't want to do nothing. Hopefully now that there's something keeping me busy, I'll learn to plan my time. I'll apply for Jan intake, I don't think I'm ready for Aug intake. (2)

Thanks again, your advice helped me a lot and pushed me to talk to my parents' about my issues. I was actually surprised to find them very understanding and apologising for not noticing me having a hard time. I guess all it takes is a heart to heart conversation. You're amazing, Steph 💜 (3)

(referencing this post)

Hi Nonny! *hugs*

I’m SO glad it worked out for you in the end; and I’m SO glad that you feel like you have a plan now! And I’m really happy that your country is covid-free so far :) But yes, I’m happy that your dad also had a solution for you for a gap year as well, and I hope you take advantage of that. It will get you some time management skills that I can guarantee to you will be helpful when you do go to school! 

SO HAPPY, good luck, and lots of love Nonny!!! <3

[semiconducting]

just reflecting on some personal growth stuff from last year !

im actually. genuinely okay. like i think im starting this year feeling okay! which is atypical. 

i think i can attribute it to the enormous amount of work id put into myself over the past year...i remember one year ago being extraordinarily depressed and really just. high strung? incredibly anxious but exhausted. and i fell down a descent slowly from not eating, to getting really irritable and not handling conflicts with friends well, to actively self harming again, to the point where i remembered sitting in a coffee shop with one of my friends and saying out loud that i need to go to therapy. and that i was going to talk to a mutual friend of ours about how the therapy services on campus are. which was a huge step for me! ive always had trust issues with therapy services since i was 12 for reasons i wont go into, but im sure you can gather the point of.

and then, literally the next day after saying that, got news about campus shutting down because of the virus.

and i made all of the effort possible to reach out to my friends and get things figured out to weather the storm because i KNEW shit was going to get bad if i didnt. but only one of my friends was really keeping up, and thats because he and i do homework together so we were already in a rhythm of talking every single week no matter what. and thats not to say that im ungrateful for him or the fact that even still he was there for me while i was going through hell, i have this thing about Not Putting All My Problems On And Confiding In One Person And One Person Only. so i withdrew, i stopped talking to everyone, i stopped logging into my classes, i didnt do any homework, i didnt lead my workshops, didnt hold office hours...i was just wallowing in my own misery

and i made plans to kill myself. and thats like, i mean i could say that several dozen times over the course of a year since i was like 12, but i mean a legitimate walkthrough plan. had my hiking bag packed with everything i was going to use, decided where i was going to, and was going to prep myself for it. wrote drafts and drafts of suicide notes until i decided just leaving the contact info of people who needed to know asap was all i was going to leave. in addition to sticky notes on some stuff in my room for what needed to be returned to who, or if something should go to someone in particular...

and i acted as normally as i could around my housemates. attributed my not leaving my room much to being busy with classes. i have a rule to myself to always sleep at least one night before killing myself because if im really serious about going through with it it can always wait one day. this time i decided i was going to clean my room and leave it as pristine as possible. the last thing i had to do was a load of laundry, and then i was going to do it.

and then someone from campus showed up at my door. because one of my professors filed a report and i hadnt responded to any of the emails id received checking in on me.

so i readjusted. caught up on my schoolwork, just barely finished the semester and definitely didnt do it strong or well (god bless the pass/fail option bc of covid LOL), but i did it nonetheless. went home, started my internship, had a miserably mundane summer.

i grew bitter and apathetic. i was angry at my friends for not being responsive when i reached out to them to talk or hang out or do anything. i got tired of dealing with it. i was tired of feeling alone and like no one gave a shit about me except for when it was convenient for them. i decided that i wasnt going to deal with people who werent willing to put any effort into me, so i stopped talking to everyone and kept up with people who were willing to reach out after the fact.

it’s definitely not the best approach. it’s really unforgiving and it doesn’t give people a lot of benefit of the doubt, but i think it was necessary in some respect. i didn’t have any criteria for how people needed to reach out, or how long after, or whatever, just that they did. really needed people in my life who are willing to communicate with me. i was honest with how i was feeling and why i did things if they did, apologized for the shitty approach, thanked them for still being willing to talk to me, and worked out the best way for both of us to keep things going.

over the months i dont think i really regret the decision, because it’s been a weight off my shoulders. i feel a lot better. i’m far more okay with where i stand in all of my friends’ lives, even if that’s not as a priority and even if that’s as just someone to talk to and catch up with like a couple times a year. it took a bit for it to pay off but it’s nice to take a look at people i was putting far too much work into and upon reflection realizing that they only interacted with me when they needed something from me, and not for me as a person. i think there are still people where there are loose ends and i think i may try reaching out myself to tie those up at some point, whenever i have the energy and clarity of mind for it. but i guess at the end of the day i just decided that people who weren’t willing to communicate weren’t worth the time. i’m okay if that communication means i need to be the one to initiate conversations even! i just need to know that.

but yeah. i came back to ny and started the semester totally apathetic and angry. i was so fucking depressed and bored with everything even if i was keeping myself incredibly busy. the only thing that i found rewarding (and what was just barely keeping me going) was leading my workshop for the intro optics class. 

and then a friend -- the same friend i was at the coffee shop with -- reached out to catch up. and i was honestly really bitter and angry with him and was prepping myself to start listing out issues that i hadnt been able to address with him beforehand (side note, while telling friends the issues you have with them is important, listing shit out all at once is hardly ever a good approach especially without warning LOL) but ended up...just having a calming and comfortable conversation about what was going on in our lives since we last saw each other. 

n later that day i ended up reaching out to an old friend that i had been meaning to catch up with because we fell out of contact, but had just barely been trying to start talking again in the months before this but had kept missing opportunities to properly converse. but we talked again, and we set up a day to hike and catch up.

and he comes to my house and picks me up. and i get in his car. and its like, holy shit, its been almost a year since ive seen you. and we hugged. and just started to catch each other up on the mess that had been our lives since we’d actively been in contact. we hiked, he told me about the books he wanted to write, we talked about people we knew, we talked about politics, we talked about school, we talked about life, and it was just as comfortable as if not a day had passed...even though it was obvious that he and i were both changed people over the past year. nothing about our friendship was any different though.

we resolved to hanging out with each other every week. decided we both needed the interaction, appreciated having each other around, and had a nice overlap of free time in the week that worked well. friday nights unless otherwise specified.

it was totally unexpected. he’d always been a great friend to me, but i never expected us to get as close as we did. neither did he. he’s probably the first person in my life (or at least in a very long time, and certainly the only person at the time) that i’d been so comfortable with that i practically had no boundaries around. none that needed to be addressed, anyway, because the only possible ones to throw up wouldn’t even come up (but of course, i constantly reassured that as soon as anything came up i would let him know because early on he kept asking sjhdkjfh). 

he became something for me to look forward to in the week. towards the beginning he was a shoulder to lean on when i needed it and was willing to listen to things i hadn’t been able to tell anyone out loud. and he confided in me as well. it was comfortable. it was safe. it was a level of trust with vulnerability that i’d never shown anyone else. 

but it wasnt even just that! it was fun! hes so fun. we could talk about everything and nothing, and hes one of the only people where i feel like i have to keep up with him in conversation instead of the other way around. we’d jump from topic to topic so much faster than either of us could think and it was all always so interesting. littered with humour that was just dumb and simple. i felt comfortable just being an idiot with him. i felt like i had nothing to prove. 

for the past few years ive held to the sentiment that i like to hang around with people that make me a better person. but somehow, with him, its not that i felt like he made me a better person, but that he made me more myself. he saw who i was without any kind of fronts. and i always was afraid to show anyone that me because i always assumed that they would be depressing, loathsome, bitter, angry, and vicious.

but....i’m not. i learned that i’m incredibly loving. that i’d do fuckin anything to for my friends, but always in a way that was healthy and rewarding for both of us. i’m very light-hearted and my sense of humour is so stupid, but also very analytical and thoughtful. just a bit judgmental and pretentious, but always for things that people dont expect. totally open minded in discussions. an avid explorer, and a bit of a thrillseeker. and so, so, so affectionate.

i realized im. not as horrible as ive always made myself out to be. i accepted that i didnt need to punish myself for things beyond my control. i realized that i could believe people when they tell me that they enjoy my company, or appreciate things i do for them, or that they think i’m a worthwhile person to keep around. 

its not that i dont have my flaws, its not that there arent things that i have to work on still. but maybe, at my core, i’m not actually motivated by spite, i’m not actually a hopeless pessimist, and that i’m not...broken. i’m not some secretly irredeemable monster.

and for a period of time i’ve been in a place where i could say i was genuinely...happy! and i don’t think i’ve ever been able to say that. i’ve certainly been made happy by doing things with friends in the past, i’ve been through periods where i’ve been okay with where i am at in life, but ever since i was like 12 (but probably even before that) i’d never been able to say that i was happy. it’s not that i wasn’t stressed, it’s not that things in my life were all going perfectly....but they didn’t define my mood. they didn’t define my view of myself. school, despite being the primary focus of my life, wasn’t dictating how i was feeling. even when things were agonizing and depressing because of school, i was still okay. i was incredibly stable.

and i owe that all to him being there for me. and hardly any of these things were anything that he was really directly responsible for, like its not that he sat there and just constantly showered me in reassurance and praise or anything that changed how i view myself...it was just having his company. it was just being able to sit there and listen to him go on about some totally random thing that he was exceptionally knowledgeable about. it was exploring caves and climbing hills. it was cooking together. it was talking about science. it was talking about love. it was talking about music. it was just having a consistent presence in my life, someone that treated me like a priority but never at the expense of himself, and someone i didn’t have to walk on any kind of eggshells around. it was someone who trusted me and respected me not by anything id done to warrant it, but just because of who i was. 

it was a reminder that i can take care of my own problems, that i just need to be a good presence in someone’s life and for them to be a good presence in mine.

but also that i can accept help from people who genuinely want to offer it! and that that help doesnt always have to be direct. that sometimes helping me means i get to do something nice for someone else LOL

it was everything i ever needed and i wasnt even looking for it. he meant the world to me and i was so, so thankful for the circumstances that led us here because i was so happy to have him in my life again. i was happy that we were able to get closer because we’d only been able to interact in professional environments before.

and then i realized i was in love. and i had a sexuality crisis. but i didn’t recognize it until i fell hard because it was a different kind of love than i’ve felt for anyone before. it was intense but entirely too comfortable. but i knew that i cared about him, and that he cared about me, and that i really didn’t need anything about our friendship to change but that it had potential to be something even greater than it was.

and i resolved to tell him about it...until he told me first. and that moment was, as cheesey as it sounds, nothing less than magical. we were both so happy and giggly and it was so sweet and warm and i dont know if im ever going to be able to recreate that feeling because it was just so particular, so specific to being something between me and him. its not that i cant love anyone else as strongly or be as happy as i was necessarily, but it’ll never be that same kind of feeling.

but things happened. things got complicated. i think he panicked. and then things that happened just felt so dirty and hollow and dark. he hurt me really, really, really badly, and it managed to happen in the span of four days.

and i’ve spent the last <2 weeks dealing with it. i think he’s dealing with it in his own ways, but realistically i don’t know how because i havent seen him since christmas eve, and we were both definitely not being completely genuine that day. was at his house for a small family party and he and i were the only ones who knew what happened. it was too soon to have healed from it any, but we couldnt exactly be honest about it then either.

and im doing better. im genuinely okay now. and, interestingly, i think i owe it to the past few months of hanging out with him and how ive been able to come to terms with a lot of things about myself. ive been able to show myself compassion. its really ironic.

its a situation where i was desperately trying to throw blame onto myself for, because if i could then i could punish myself for it and use it to fuel that deep rooted self hatred and then i could fix it, because i’d be the one responsible for fixing it. but, and i’ve talked to quite a few friends about it trying to figure out who to confide in about it, everyone who knows about it insists that i cant blame myself for it. theres not a thing about the situation that i can blame myself for. and its so fucking weird, because i cant bring myself to fully blame him for it either, just because it was so ABSURDLY out of character that it doesnt feel like it was anything he could have done to me. it was a boundary that i wasnt ever supposed to worry about him crossing, because he’s just not that kind of person.

and it’s the type of situation that you’re supposed to totally be willing to cut someone off for but...i can’t. he’s genuinely remorseful and i think he doesn’t really know how to deal with it either. and despite it being a massive fuck up its still like...the first fuck up in our friendship from either of us. and i’m willing to see this through. i think it’s salvageable, even if it’ll never be the same as it was. i have faith in our friendship. i think we can make it work.

but no matter what happens. i owe him more than i’ll ever be able to repay him for. and i’ll never, ever be able to hate him because of that. i’m in a much, much better place because of him and for that i’ll always be thankful.

[coolkidstable]

quarantine Q&A

tagged by @notedgoon, thank you! 💙

are you staying home from school/work? yep! my school went entirely online in early march and i went home asap (would’ve been kicked out of the dorms soon enough anyway). i had two work study jobs this semester and since it’s part of financial aid, luckily i still got paid even though i could only work one of them remotely. ofc i planned on doing a co-op (full-time internship) in the fall and lately that’s seemed a bit hopeless due to hiring freezes, but i do have two upcoming interviews now so hope is not lost

if you are staying home, who’s there with you? my mom, dad, dog, and 3 cats! it’s mostly my mom since she’s been furloughed (as of last week), my dad is still considered an essential worker (in retail management). i love having my cats around tho 🥺

are you a homebody? when not in school, i live in a boring rural area that’s 3 hours from any major city, plus i don’t have a car and live too far to walk anywhere besides my neighborhood, so i am when i’m here anyway. but yeah the extent of me leaving the house now is to sit in the car while one parent grocery shops lmao

what movies have you watched recently? what shows have you watched recently? i was on an uncharacteristic netflix kick until last week, so i watched the to all the boys i’ve loved before sequel (meh) and rewatched the perks of being a wallflower for the first time in years (it was as great as i remembered). i also watched two one-season shows, i am not okay with this & the judgement (a thai netflix original). i also watched the latest season of the bold type with my mom. otherwise idk, i’ve thought of rewatching the harry potter movies

an event you were looking forward to that got cancelled? well i was supposed to see the bruins play the canes last weekend, but i’m more upset that my grandma didn’t get to go since it was meant to be her christmas present (she picked the game). otherwise i’m lucky enough that i got to go to all the spring concerts i really wanted to see (besides spanish love songs’ headline tour but i would’ve missed out on that anyway), so now i’m just nervous about sad summer fest, the stand atlantic/trash boat tour, the mcr reunion tour, and the 5sos fall tour 😬

what music are you listening to? i’ve been listening to a lot of the wonder years lately, plus the new 5sos album!

what are you reading? if i’m being completely real here, the most effective coping mechanism i’ve found for myself is to read harry potter fanfiction so.... various 100k+ fics lmao. idk if it’s bc it reminds me of my childhood or bc some of it resonates emotionally or something else. it’s also made me consider rereading the actual book series (but obligatory fuck jkr’s terf ass)

what are you doing for self care? kinda mentioned that above, otherwise i’ve just been trying to spend my time in ways that make me feel good even if it means not engaging much socially or losing sleep hours. in some ways that probably sounds like poor self care but i’ve felt better since i started doing that ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ playing animal crossing has also been quite nice and it’s good to have that routine!

tagging @davidpastrnut @frankvatrano and anyone else who wants to do it 👁

[ffuturefoundation]

life is weird at the moment. I know i have been very absent and there are posts i want to make, but a lot has been going on.

so i finished the internship last week, and the owner was being super weird (and a total asshole), but in the end he ended up saying that he wanted to hire me for a while but on løntilskud (which means that he gets a massive discount from the government, and it still counts as if i am unemployed and i continue losing the time i have left where i am allowed to receive unemployment benefits... which sucks... but the wage is higher and i do love going to work)

anyway i found out about that possibility and what it would mean friday afternoon and i asked for some time to think about it, and when i called him monday morning to let him know that i was taking the offer, and that i was going to be talking about it with people from the unemployment office about it (bc they have to set it up so i can get the discount), and that i was hoping to start the next week. 

And the guy was being fucking weird again. He is just really rude, and kind of kept on almost threatening me, with saying that he would find someone else if i can’t start fast enough. which is ridiculous in general? beyond the simple fact that a week’s notice before starting a new job is totally reasonable from my side, how is he even expecting to find someone who could have started quicker? 

i mean honestly in this imaginary scenario, where is he going to find someone who can start with less than a week’s notice and that he can get a huge discount on? i mean that already seems v implausible. Add to that finding someone who has a lot of experience with this type of work in general, who is familiar with this specific store, who works in different departments (like i do cleaning up the storage area, the vegetables and fruits, cash register and general filling up of products (and most people only do one area. i am definitely the only one who does all of them)), and also not to sound full of myself, but i am fucking amazing at grocery store work so he should consider himself really lucky to have. 

on that note, i forgot how much i loved grocery store work. I love it so much. it is just fun, and there is so much stuff to do all day, and honestly i am really considering right now to look into those student/trainee programs that several grocery store chains have. Where they educate you, and it basically is something you have to do if you ever want to get a leading position or smth like that (which i do already have some experience with, and i wasn’t amazing at it at the time, but i have grown a lot as a person, and i’m sure i’d be good at it now. plus it is an excuse to really work with everything)

i did ask him if i can also learn how to do the fast-food/bakery department, so let’s hope i can do that! (i have no experience with the meat area, and i am not that enthusiastic about learning that. but at the same time i absolutely do want to be able to do everything so, if i ever get the opportunity to learn then i’d go for it.) but that is just things to look into for the future.

Anyway things finally got settled with the job yesterday, so i am able to start next monday (i did everything i could do by tuesday afternoon, the rest was all depended on shit the owner needed to do/information he needed to provide before it could be approved... anyway i hate him)

I also have family that is visiting this week, which is v strange and stressful, but also sort of good. It is all very complicated. The plan was to get the problems solved with the financial aid office, my bank and the unemployment office, but all the problems are still there (not for a lack of trying though). There probably is finally a solution to the problem with the bank, they have to cancel my card (which wasn’t possible right now, bc i am renting a car), so i have to come in and do that on thursday (the plan was monday, but i have to go to work, and on thursday they are open a little longer so it should be possible).

I also got contacted by my old boss from the webshop and he has some translation work for me again, so guess i am going to be doing that next week as well! (i can’t do it this weekend, but i also know that it is important that it is done as quickly as possible, and unlike with my boss from the grocery store, i actually really like this one and i want to make sure i get it done asap because that will be helpful for him (but i also know that he would be super understanding if i told him that i don’t have time for it next week. he might not be happy about it, but he would definitely understand and not be mad at me about it. so basically to sum up, he is a nice person so i don’t mind having a long week))

[nozakis]

i wish i wasn’t so inactive :’( i know i’ve been away for awhile but i def plan to be more active asap, and hopefully make all the gfx for friends whose bdays i’ve missed. i’ve just been dealing with some things & still am dealing w these things;; like an issue with an internship supervisor (lol i made a rant post about it before oops), preparing for job interviews, looking at phd programs for grad school, studying for GREs and some other family issues. 

on a brighter note, i finally graduated from university last week!! anyways sorry y’all if i haven’t been keeping up, but hopefully bc it’s summer i can have more free time 

side note: i’ve been watching a lot of tv shows but many of them are ending, so do any of y’all have anime recommendations ?? :-)

also.....LOL remember when i wanted to do youtube? i kind of want to start again but i’m not sure.

[shuakkinda-blog]

Mingyu crushing on you !! // scenario

A bullet-point scenario starring everyone’s favorite housewife and puppy Mingyu!

Request scenarios and reactions on my page if you’d like :)

- I love Kim Mingyu

- you know why?

- it’s because he’s just so

- confident

- and talented in so many ways (BOY DO I LOVE TALL BOYS WHO CAN DANCE)

- and shameless

- and legit the type of guy you’d wanna bring home to your parents

- he’s a m a z i n g

- and if you’re the person he develops a suuuper huge crush on

- well god damn you are one lucky girl

- ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE YOU INTO THE STORY

- you’re a few weeks into your internship at pledis, and you’ve already met a handful of svt members

- but not all of them

- so one day, you’re busy putting away some finished paperwork for your job at the company building

- you hit an intersection between two hallways when all of a sudden

- a huGE ASS TREE COMES RUNNING INTO YOU FROM THE OTHER HALLWAY (yall should know what I mean by tree lolol)

- you get knocked onto the floor, and it looks like whatever hit you took a fall as well

- the paperwork in your hands go flying all over the place, and the back of your head hits the wall pretty loudly

- as you rub the part of your head that hurt, the “tree” (a really handsome one, I must say) looks to you as he rests on his side, eyes widened and mouth slightly agape at the sight of you

- you recognize him

- it’s one of the members you haven’t talked to before

- he’s not just any tree

- he’s the visual tree, Mingyu

- “OH MY GOD I’M-I’M SO SORRY- ARE YOU OKAY???” he panics as he gets off the floor and kneels next to you to check if you’re fine

- your eyes squint at the slight pain, but you nod yes anyways. “Yes, I’m fine.”

- it really hurts actually lol

- he helps you sit up against the wall and checks your head, figuring that the pain could only be coming from there since you’re clutching it like that

- he notes the pain in your face and shakes his head

- “don’t lie, I know it hurts.”

- you try to convince him that you’re fine as you begin to collect your scattered files, but he grabs your hand before you could grab another sheet of paper

- “come here,” he says and assists you in getting up. he gets you to sit on a chair in one of the vacant offices

- once you get settled he continues, “I’m gonna go grab an ice pack from the freezer downstairs. Don’t pick up another piece of paper from the floor while I’m out.”

- one side of you is thinking

- “aw this guy is so sweet and considerate, I’m mELtiNG”

- while the other side is just

- “bitch don’t tell me what to d0 lmao″

- so you get up to collect the rest of your sheets in the hallway before quickly scampering into the room again to pretend you were there the entire time

- you hope the guy is dumb enough to not notice that there’s suddenly no mess in the hallway when he gets back

- and luckily he’s too busy thinking about the pain in your head to care about the papers at the moment

- so he comes rushing back into the office with a small cloth and an ice pack

- he takes your hand off of the part of your head that you were holding and places the ice pack there

- “I’m so sorry, really. You don’t know how bad I feel right now,” he says while holding the ice against your head

- “No, it’s okay,” you reassure him. “I should have been looking before crossing.”

- “I was the one who slammed into you though,” he replies. “I shouldn’t be running around here in the first place.”

- you hate to waste his time so you take a hold of the ice pack and get up from your seat

- “I can put the ice pack back in the freezer later. Thank you for your help, Mingyu.”

- “oh,” he says. “Are you sure?”

- you nod

- “okay, I’m sorry again. Really.” You can tell he’s being sincere

 - the both of you exchange bows and you proceed to leave the office with your files

- “hey, you’re y/n, right?” he asks

- “yeah, that’s me. I’m surprised you know my name,” you say shyly

- he laughs, “yeah the other members talk about you sometimes. I’m actually surprised you know my name too, since there’s so many of us.”

- “well, they told me to watch out for a tall and clumsy guy around here named Mingyu, so I figured that guy is you.”

- Mingyu’s jaw drops, but his shocked expression turns into a smile

- “wow, from what I heard about you from the other guys, I really wasn’t expecting you to be this sassy,” he scoffs

- “well, it looks like they haven’t told you enough,” you laugh and leave the room *high-fives self*

- as you’re putting all the files away in their respective places, you can’t help but think of how sweet and cute Mingyu is

- like, sure he just bodyslammed into you a few minutes ago

- but his accommodating nature was so niceee

- and he’s got looks on top of that :33

- you can’t possibly think he could get any better oh boy just wait

- little do you know that Mingyu is still cursing at himself for messing up in front of an innocent intern

- a pretty cute one too lol

- he wishes you guys could’ve met in a better way

- but it’s okay, he thinks to himself

- to make up for it, he’s gonna make an actual effort to get to know you and fix his reputation

- he was drawn to the unexpected level of sass you gave him a piece of

- well, if you’re gonna give him a slice of your attitude

- he’s gonna give you a slice too

- a slice of homemade cake, that is

- bc the poor puppy would still feel bad about what happened the other day

- he’ll find you a day after the incident to hand you a slice of cake that he made himself

- you’d insist that you don’t deserve the slice, since you think half of the incident was your fault

- but he’d literally open up the container of cake and shove a piece of it into your mouth

- “iF YOU DON’T ACCEPT THIS, THEN I’LL ACCEPT IT FOR YOU,” he says

- “I also spent 3 hours trying to make this last night, pls take it :(”

- “you’re cute too,” he’d say in his head

- so you taste it and

- omg 

- it’s not cake

- it’s heaven

- you immediately compliment him on the cake, and he blushes

- “if he can make this cake by himself, then I guess he isn’t as clumsy as the others say???” you think to yourself

- he has redeemed himself

- AND THUS your friendship with Mingyu begins !!

- it wouldn’t take long for him to fall for you though

- believe me when I say he is a softie

- this makes Mingyu the fluffiest crush-er

- he’s so into making his thing for you obvious

- but 99% of the time you’ll take the hints he gives you as jokes

- he’d also be super willing to do couple-ish things with you even if you guys are just friends bc this boy just cAN’T WAIT

- he wants you to know that he can be a really good potential boyfriend

- so whenever you guys hang out, he’d try extra hard to be funny, impress you with his skills, and ofc flirt

- “someone’s looking really pretty today~” he’d say. he’ll probably flash a smile and wink as well what a grease ball

- “shut up, Mingyu. we all know I look like shit today,” you’d reply

- “but you look beautiful all the time,” he’d say in his head

- his flirting would be so frequent

- the members would see it too and probably want to puke

- but it would be so frequent to the point that the members would think he’s just messing with you

- they wouldn’t actually think it’s a crush

- if anything, Mingyu would have to talk to Wonwoo about liking you if he can’t keep it to himself any longer:

- “hey Wonwoo,”

- “yeah?”

- “what if I told you that... I actually like y/n?”

- “wait, rEALLY?”

- “yeah, man.”

- “LOL I thought all of the flirting was just for fun.”

- “nah, dude. I actually meant it.”

- Wonwoo would ask Mingyu if he is actually gonna confess or something, and Mingyu would definitely say yes

- but he doesn’t know how to do it???

- like, he’s got the guts to confess and everything

- but planning out a cute way to tell you how he feels would be difficult

- he doesn’t want you to laugh at him when he actually confesses bc the last thing he wants you to think is that his confession is just another one of his flirty “jokes”

- Mingyu wants you to catch onto what he’s trying to say right away so that the whole moment stays special :’)

- Meanie YES would have to brainstorm through a whole lot of confession ideas

- and then the perfect plan will hit them

- so on one fine day

- Mingyu would text you during one of your intern shifts

- “Y/N Y/N Y/N”

- “what do you want now,” you’d text back

- “are you in the company building rn?”

- “yeah, why?”

- “meet me in the practice room asap k byeee”

- “uh okay?”

- so you finish up whatever you were doing before heading down a floor to the practice room

- but when you arrive at the practice room, you check the tiny door window

- there’s no lights on???

- all you see through the window is pitch black

- “is Mingyu even there?” you think to yourself

- you hesitate for a moment, but a part of you just doesn’t ask and opens the door anyways

- you look straight ahead and find a orange glow coming from the floor

- it’s a cake with candles

- and being illuminated by the cake is none other than your favorite germ ball

- Mingyu

- “dude, wth you look really creepy right now,” you’d laugh

- Mingyu would try hard to hold in his laughter and say

- “shut up, just come here.”

- “can I turn on the lights at least?” you ask

- “NONONO just sit here please~”

- so you walk over to the cake and sit in front of it. Mingyu is sitting across from you. the cake is all that’s in between you and him

- you spot an envelope to the right of the cake with your name on it

- he spots your glance at the envelope and says “go ahead, take it.”

- “Mingyu, if you think it’s my birthday today, you’re about 6 months off.”

- he’s nervous

- “IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK. JUST OPEN THE ENVELOPE FOR GOD’S SAKE, Y/N.”

- so you do

- and inside the envelope is a card with a little heart on it

- you open up the card and read its contents:

- “y/n I know this will sound stupid but please just answer this question:”

- “do you like me?”

- “if so, blow the cake candles.”

- “if not, just use your hands to blow out the candles.”

- tbh the idea did sound kind of stupid but

- you blush

- he’s caught you off guard

- and for real this time

- truth is that you’ve liked him since you guys first met

- you always thought his flirty jokes were all to poke fun at you

- they were cute

- but you didn’t really think he meant it

- everything was slowly coming together now

- does he... really like you??

- welp it’s time for you to throw another snarky comment to make suRe

- “you’re trying to get me to burn off my fingers, aren’t you” you say

- and you expect him to snap back at you

- but he doesn’t:

- “y/n listen, I really like you. I just wanna know if you feel the same.”

- “just please answer the question.”

- so

- you take a deep breath to work up the strength needed to blow out the candles

- but just before you can blow the candles out

- Mingyu quickly shoots out a breath of air and beats you to it

- and he swiftly takes your cheek in his hand to plant a kiss on your lips

- DSJKFHDSLHBGIUJGBSGKDJFBGLIFDUGJBDN;OF WHAT IS LIVING

- you smiled into the kiss and he followed

- he lets go of your lips after taking in the moment

- “that kiss might be sweeter than the cake I made for you.”

- you punch him in the shoulder

- “you’re gross,” you laugh

- he moves to your side of the cake to give you a warm hug in the dark

- “but I wouldn’t have you any other way,” you say with a smile

[leighasnotebook]

Title - Hey Future Leigha ;P

So.. I'm broke as fuck. I can't even seem to get a job. A job at a place I dont even like but need. I barely even made it home from internship at the humane society in Indy. I am on BELOW empty. I tried to sell a galaxy s4 at disc replay to get me by and they wouldnt even take it because apparently theres something wrong with it. So that was dissappointing as fuck too. I've been forced to borrow money from my mom who I STILL live with. So apparently I dont even have the abilty to be independent right now. Sure Im in school but I cant even afford to put gas in my tank to get there and I still owe 1000 dollars or more to my school. I dont even know where Ill work after I get my certificate. Thats right.. CERTIFICATE.. not a actual degree. Still. I stupidly decided to get a credit card a few years ago and now I'm maxed out and cant afford to pay it off. I at least have gotten on a payment plan that will make the interest 0% and make my monthly payment lower. My phones fucked because I broke the goddamn screen on it. So no one can even call me unless its on the house phone and I'm not home all the time AND its a cordless that apparently has fucked batteries in it because it just shuts off after like 10 - 15 minutes. I shouldve never even gotten a stupid "smart" phone. All its done is make me feel guilty about the extra money my MOM is spending for it on the bill. And it is way more fragile than a flip phone. Sure the extra shit on it was fun but I dont even need it. I dont care if Im "stuck" in the old times. At least it was reliable. I have grown up in my life with a nice place to live and nice things but that just isnt me. I know when I live on my own I wont live in a nice place and I wont have nice things. Its as if Ive been blindfolded to my actual lifestyle to the point where I agreed to getting nice things. Things Id never be able to afford by myself. After my car got totaled I got a 12k settlement which I had my dad take care of because he wanted to take it to use to get me a new car. Well he decided to get me a fucking expensive newer car.. the accident happened oct. 1st 2013.. I ended up driving a rape van (huge burgendy van with bars on the windows) to and from Ivy Tech and work for about half a year or more before my dad decided to take out a loan for a Toyota Camry 2013! Why on earth would you opt to get me a expensive car like that when I cant even afford gas or live on my own!? Now Im fucked because I cant pay the car payment.. my dads paying it which makes him think for some reason that its his vehicle. No on the contrary it was his decision to spring for a newer car of which I am entitled to 12k of. so yeah now I have a investment in something I cant even use because the insurance is insanely high and I cant afford it. Sigh Im just so fed up with all of this bullshit. If I could sell everything I have right now and just start new, that would be ideal. Sell the fucking Toyota, use the money to pay off my credit card bill, pay off school and maybe have enough to secure a place for me and my dog to live. Because I am not a goddamn straight woman who has a boyfriend to pay for half of everything. I feel like alot of girls live with their boyfriends and get off easy. Well thats not an option for me is all Im saying. I can barely even find a lesbian whos responsible and even has enough income to hold up their half of living expenses.. I cant say shit about that right now since Im in the same boat but still. Even when I do (which I usually do) have all my resources I still cant find a responsible GF. Either way Id still be dependant on whoever I was living with to keep my place. Even if they were a roommate. Which I guess would be the same financially if it were a significant other providing half. anyway.. Ive been trying goddamn hard to get a job. I signed up for Rover.com to watch dogs or walk dogs for people but IDK if my background check came back clean. which it should because I spent extra money so that it would be. Beyond all.. I am seriously just fed the fuck up with trying to manage all of the bullshit that I have to. It feels like I need 3 of me to accomplish all the shit in front of me. I am overwhelmed I guess is what that means. I feel so useless in the world. The only thing keeping me from spiraling into a severe depression is the fact that Im going to school for something that I love doing. Knowing that in a month and a half Ill be graduating is whats keeping my head up. Other than that.. its my friends and animals that hold up the rest. Some days I for real just want to get drunk and say.. FUCK IT ALLLLL. which is kind of what im doing right now.. but guess what? my box of cheap ass wine is almost gone so this will be a short lived release until im fucked again.. and cant even go to a party I was invited to go to on sunday. Im writing very unhinged right now. I need a goddamn stupid dumb job. And Ive been trying to get one for months. Now its even harder without a cellphone. "hey yeah just call my house phone and let me know about that job" just doesnt jive well with me because ITS A FUCKING HOUSE PHONE.. better than nothing but its real fucked trying to get a job when you cant answer your phone bc you dont have one of your own. gaaaahahahahaha fuckckkckck Im just so fucking stressed. I feel like I cant accomplish anything with the materials I have right now. Even if I had some money.. Got a full tank of gas and paid off my monthly bills I still wouldnt just magically have a job. Even if I got my phone screen replaced. Goddamn and Ive tried going into places but apparently Im a dumbass and come at the wrong times. Sigh.. just. fucking. schedule. me. for. a. interview. its not that hard. Theyre like "oh yeah were hiring" but other than saying that sentence they are so fucking unhelpful. "oh did you apply online?" uhh duh yeah I did you fuck. Why in the fuck would I not fill out an application and expect an interview. Fuckin assholes.. like I get it.. youre busy. but hey you wanna know what would ease that? If I was working right now and could take some of the work load off. Everytime someone would call about a job I would be so informative and supportive because I know what its like. Plus if I ever feel like Im overworked- which is alot of the time at those quick turnover jobs- I WANT the person inquiring about a job to get the job. Why? because I need them to take some of my workload off. Thats how it happens at pizza hut at least. you start with a bunch of people and then they dwindle down to where everyone is being over worked and more workers are needed as to not kill everyone who still works there. sigh.. I dont even want to work at pizza hut again but at this point I will take any fucking job I can get. I am being nickeled and dimed.. just like that fucking book I had to read in school. Given, all of it was brought upon my by my own past hand. I cant do anything about the past and its legit my past self just going crazy on a credit card that has me so fucked right now. After I get these cards paid off I will NEVER EVER EVER have another credit card again. I cannot be trusted with it. Great that I know that now that Im in debt out my ass. Yeah yeah and I have this theory that I learn things in life by trial error.. and guess what.. IVE FUCKING LEARNED.. and now that I have im still super fucked. Usually my trial error didnt cause me this much detrimental pain and suffering. usually it was like touching a hot stove and it was over with. but no.. this has been a very slow stinging burn that wont let up. I know.. I know that I will have to kill myself working my ass off and not having any shred of a life to get out of this hole. but the thought of it just really really makes me sad. Not saying It makes me not want to get a job. because NO WAY I need a job ASAP like yesterday. like if someone walked up and would pay me 20 dollars to eat a worm I would. Because it would spare me the shame in asking my mom YET AGAIN for gas money. God I am so tired of asking anyone for ANYTHING. Its the last thing I want to do in fact. Theres only so much you can ask of someone before they decide they wanna say nope.. youre on your own. and you know? Im surprised my mom hasnt told me no yet. Shes really really helpful. I think she understands me but also just wants me to get a job already so I wont keep borrowing from her. Which is understandable completely.. and thats exactly what I want too. At least i dont just sit around getting drunk and stoned all day in my pajamas. Im actually trying here. Theres nothing more that I want to just have a steady income. I dont care what kind of shit I have to drudge through to get to that point. I am so able bodied and ready to sweat and work and give myself away to a corporation for money. But guess where Im going to get the gas money to get to that job? FUCK IF I KNOW lol. goddamnit. I have really done it this time. How did I let it get this bad? How did I let myself fall so far? I dont even have anything else to sell to disc replay and the only other things I have to sell are all my paintball equiptment.. and I dont even really know how I would go about doing that. Craigslist? idk. I am flailing..... my wings are clipped and i cant fly. I have maybe a few dollars in change right now. Man how I used to just throw it in a jar willy nilly when I had a job. Not touching it at all for months and months. and now its all I have. FUCK. my rope is covered in kerosine and its been on fire for months. Someone in this world needs to cut me a fucking break and give me a job. Just 1 fucking person to say "you got the job, heres your uniform, come in monday at 8". I have been able to keep my hope through the worst of situations in my life. I feel it wearing reaaally thin right now. I almost had to walk miles just to get home today. you know its bad when you cant even afford to drive home. When youre just waiting for your car to give out and its screaming "i need gas!!!" You actually make it home and you get out of the car and hug it and praise it. Thank you. Thank you so much for holding out on me. I will get you gas as soon as I can I promise. Its like if you were traveling by horse and didnt have any water or grains for it to sustain itself but it powers through for you. I feel like a huge bum slacker bitch. Like I shouldve worked harder. done this done that. And maybe I wouldnt have ended up in this tight situation. The only thing in this world that is mine is my body and my animals and the relationships I have with my friends. I'm going to call Pizza hut right now. Ive been trying to fucking get this interview scheduled and they keep being little bitches over the phone. Not this time. I wont let it happen. "oh were in a lunch rush" dude. no. Fuck off. lol. Not this time. BRB. ya okay same old shit.. OH the hiring manager isnt here. Okay I understand but why dont you ACTUALLY give them my name and number and HAVE them call me. I know I know I will call the HIRING MANAGER on monday. See? its just a let down. I will call monday and demand an interview. I am more than qualified for your dumb job. anyway.. I know my friends and family will always be around to help me out. But I am a very stubborn person and have always wanted to do things my way and on my own. asking for help is something that I hold as a last resort. In the situation im in I am at my last resort time. It takes money to make money. money for the gas- to go to work- to get the money- for the gas- to get to work. Thats a 2 week process in itself. once I get past that threshold Ill be more self-sustaining. GGaaah! Please.. UNIVERSE! Im begging you!! Give me a job! Please please please please please! I need to get back ontop of it all. Hold out hope... hold out hope... crunching gears inside me trying to keep that train moving. GO. keep the rusty gears going. Keep swimming like Dory says. I feel like im trying to keep swimming but im in a puddle barely sustaining life itself. Gasps of water into my drying gills every couple seconds. All the while "hold out hope, just keep swimming" goes through my head like a mantra. I go from being super hopeful and positive to super hopeless and negative. Sometimes I'm just on this mid-line pergatory where I dont know how to feel or how I should feel. I know that a lot of people deal with hardships like me. Usually just pushing all their feelings down day to day thinking.. eh ill figure it out. Somethings got to give in for me. things will be different and get better soon. This isnt the end of the world. Im not dieing.. yet. But there are times where no matter what your troubles.. you cannot just push it down anymore. You have to sit there and stare into the eyes of a skull and think.. things are going bad. This isnt how it should be. I shouldnt feel like this. Something is wrong in this equation because its not equaling out right. So here I sit. In my familiar place where Ive faced a lot of things in life. In the garage. (wow a disc replay commercial just came on the radio.. how ironic... fuck u guyz lol). Ive dealt with sooo much in this garage. Most of my epiphanies have happened in here. Most of my hardships. At least in my adult life. And when I wasnt in Terre Haute. Always staring at stuff in here. Listening to the radio. Smoking cigarettes. Drinking. Thinking. [insert link to In The Garage by Weezer here] I cant even explain the range of feelings Ive felt in this garage. Love, lust, loss, depression, happiness, worry, anxiety, calmness, anger, thoughtfulness, perceptiveness, desire, turmoil, empathy, regret, sickness, healthiness, Ive felt hot and cold, bad and good, and at the end of the day when I sit here. It feels so familiar. It could be anywhere. but in this little box on the planet is where all these things have opened up like a bud. So many conversations with friends, on the phone, in person. Oh so very telling and depending on if there was snow, dead leaves, flowers, or sun outside the dynamic would change ever so slightly. And as friends have come and gone, people have died or were born, this has been a constant place for me for the last eight years. After I caught a big fish, built a snow fort, or made a drunken dancing video to missy elliot this place stayed the same and was always here. I feel like im confessing a love affair between me and my garage right now.. but I wanted to express my gratitude to these four walls which I believe have absorbed a lot of the things I am talking about right now. I remember when I first started to dwell in this garage. I was still drinking and smoking on the down-low. Didnt want my mom to know. I would listen to the radio and write just like Im doing now except it was often in a notebook. Its the only way for me gain solace in my life sometimes. Love often drove me to worry as I listened to deftones, linkin park, or staind or anything that came on x-103. Id just scribble on page after page I would stop caring if it was legible... That shear fact that id stop caring in general was all I wanted. I wanted to release all my cares into a song or a feeling or a writing. What do I want? who do i need? who AM I ? Sometimes I never know. I dont know things alot. as much as Id like to believe I have every little thing under control.. I never have it all. this isnt to say that its a negative thing. Sometimes you simply cannot wrangle every little thing into a place you think it belongs. often things are flying like kites with brittle strings. they break off and float out of bounds yet still connected just not within reach. Its definitely angering at times. you think.. why cant i keep my shit in check? but if you think about it. maybe it was never "your shit". I really think its better to not stress over things that blow away. Youre in a spot you let shit fly and it ends up gaining its own separate current without you. You cant always be strong enough to keep everything where you want it. It doesnt work that way, you cant control everything. HELL sometimes you cant control anything. and I know how that feels. shit. right now I could still be walking on the side of the road away from my broken down car. holding up my thumb trying to get home. you cant hold everything down with a thumb tac or a bad attitude. things will happen and ya you probably could have avoided some things but I think things happen for a reason. Maybe to teach you that you in fact are not in control. That things are or arent just black and white. Reppercutions.. actions that lead to situations that you have to handle. Its all apart of one thing. you... its you. hah. I mean you make choices.. and theres always a second and third happening. In my case.. it makes me feel like im unintelligent when I make a choice and it causes something bad. Ex. If I were to have to walk home today.. my mind would have been full of .. "well thats because I didnt have enough gas" Well why didnt I? because I didnt have the money. Why didnt I? because I dont have a job. Why dont I have a job? because Im an irresponsible entitled person. I act like the world will bend to my whim when it doesnt work that way. When weve all got the same probability of things going our way. Why should I think I'm any different? why? because of all those times I made it home when my gas tank was below E? what about those times when I didnt get so lucky? that time my car stopped on a highway and I was late to work and I got fired? Its just this numbers game in my head. Will it be okay or not. I never know but my brain urges me to believe yes. youll be okay. and when im not i think well.. It was about a 50/50 that this would happen and I knew that deep down.. so I cant really be too mad right? lets just walk a few miles and get what i deserve. meanwhile I think about everything I could have done that wouldve lead to a different outcome. ya hmm. maybe if i had a job.. id have gas in my tank.. and this wouldnt have happened. maybe..hmm just maybe..? You know when you drive down a highway and you see a person walking it? You can gaurantee that that person is thinking... how could I have avoided this? That person is me that person is you. Walking on the grass on the side of the road.. looking at all the trash people discard from their car windows. Really slows your mind down when youre walking where you normally drive through. You see people zoom by who will get to their destinations on time. Who had the money and intellect to just buy some gas. We all have our days when were in the gutter. When I have mine, it forces me to slow down.. to really look at my life. Why did this happen.... why am I stuck and fucked like this again. Even though I magically made it home today on my below E tank I still see this as a wake-up call. It brings me back to the times when I didnt make it home. I felt like a lost dog. and ya I know.. poor me.. first world problems. Oh man Leigha had to walk 5 miles to get home because she ran out of gas in the automobile that she has available for her to drive 24-7 usually. And dangg. she even had a full meal before this walk.. poor her. I know I know. Its totally crap. Its not like I almost died or was starving and in a desert left to die. In reality, on this planet I am lucky. I am a lucky person. But to say that we still dont have our problems would be to say that anyone with a roof over their head was flawless. It makes me realize that yeah, first world problems are nothing to those in third world countries. But I shouldnt feel invalidated if I have room to improve my life. Everyone in this world has room to improve their lives. I am not solitary in this one bit. in fact I feel like I am unaware of tons and tons of stuff in life. Theres so many times when I just simply dont know something. Makes me feel like I dont know anything about anything sometimes haha. its like "oh you didnt know about this?!?!" uhhh no I didnt. Should I have? Woops? am I squandering my priveledge to learn about things I should know about? When it comes down to it. I am never done learning. I am never done growing as a person. I am so ignorant to so many things simply because I have never been exposed to them. I cant walk the earth acting like I have a grasp on everything when I dont. I dont know what anyone else goes through day to day around the world.. I cant compare my life to anyone elses if I've only lived my own separate life. I can relate to people of course but I do not think that anyone can fully understand how something feels unless it happens to them. sure ill say "oh yeah Ive felt that before" or "I felt like that when... etc etc" but I dont know how it feels through someone elses eyes, in someone elses shoes. What Im trying to say is that I have had some really really hard times. Personally I feel that they are HARD TIMES. For me and maybe me only. Maybe others would look at these "hard times" and laugh and say "HAHAH you think thats hard?". But that being said this is how I feel and it cannot be undermined by anyone. Beyond all these technicalities that I decided had to be stated, right now I feel as though I have entered the abyss. I feel like Im in a place that is neither here nor there. I am a real nowhere man who has no real nowhere plans. I used to want to get a tattoo that was the symbol for "nobody". It was a onyx or something I dont remember the spelling. For a long time I thought I was nobody. I thought I would just bend to the whim of anything or anyone. And at the time, I thought that was just me. Me was nobody since I felt like everybody but nobody at the same time. Then I thought.. hmm I dont think I should get this tattoo because what if someday I become somebody. And im glad that I didnt get that tattoo because I AM somebody. I guess there are sometimes that my past self is right about how my future self will feel. I feel like everyone is usually thinking about the future. How they will be, where they will live, what they'll be doing and who theyll be doing IT with (bow-chicka). And do you know what I think? I think that everyones present self is the best link to that future self. OBVIOUSLY. but think about it like this. You .. RIGHT NOW.. can have a serious effect on your future self. Not just with succeeding and blah blah blah boring shit like that. Listen. About 6 or 7 years ago I made a video of myself talking to my future self. I completely forgot about that video. I came across that video one day and HEY it was ME! I didnt remember it AT ALL. and as I watched it it really really felt like my past self was talking to me. it was SURREAL AS FUCK. and on point! Ever since that day I have been making videos to my future self. Even stating in the video that I know Im going to just be drunkenly watching this video. Which usually is also on point! hah. But I strongly suggest that more people do the same thing. maybe just check in with your future self every now and then and say hey. what the fuck is up?! I hope you arent broke as shit and running out of gas. haha. its actually pretty comical the stuff youll begin to find your past self saying to you. I think documenting your life is a really good thing. You can learn so much just by sifting through your past experiences that youve written down or video taped. Right now for instance I feel like I need some guidance. So I think I will revisit some of my past selfs videos and make another one. You talk about how youre doing and how youve fucked up and tell your future self about all of it. Then in a year or two guess whos giving you pointers? YOU! haha its really actually hilarious. who'd of thought that it would be what you said to yourself 2 years ago that would set your world straight. I think I should go revisit my videos now. I need some guidance. :D In other news. not doing so well right now. This writing has definitely helped. Leigha Horvath- Signing off. ;*