#but also gave me a foundation to start with so. pros and cons

[fearandhatred]

fandom: good omens

word: worship

I HAVE FINALLY DONE IT copied straight from my notes app babey!! this may seem like just a sad poem but it's really crowley spiraling into a toxic inferiority mindset within the 10 whole seconds that they kiss. i did not mean it to take that turn but next to all the emotions in my brain is this entity called Dark Thoughts that turns the whole console black with one touch. anyway thank u bestie for the word prompt sorry it took five years

<3

Worn delicate but strong on your smallest finger, a golden halo of a ring that dug through layers of cloth into my spine when i kissed you. it was the first time i felt the touch of your hardened hands on my body, pressing me to you like i could be consumed whole, like you could breathe me into your soul and nestle me in your lungs, like i could become your air. and for a moment, it felt like we were

One. like we were the paths of two comets destined to intersect once and then never again; or perhaps like the odd bullet that gets lodged inside another midair, and doesn't make it out the other side alive. and it felt as if i knew for the first time a purpose beyond existence, beyond love: to worship. to worship you.

Resuscitation has never felt so explosive, so stuffed full with fearsome grace with the same force by which it was ripped from me. and i know now that i will never be the same unless i have this one thing, this reason to live and also to die.

So i'll worship you, from now till the death of time. and when every one of your touches burns with holiness, when you scald my tongue with spit, i'll welcome you on my knees to set me aflame.

Have me in all the ways, split me open on the altar as evidence of my humility, make me repent. forgive me.

I understand now, i understand, it's in my blood to submit, in my nature to crawl on my belly and eat the dust left behind. and i will, and maybe i can do it right this time—i will drag myself behind you with my hands clawing the carpeted shadows of your footsteps, break the bottle open to anoint your head. i'll worship you, skin to skin, soul for soul, if it means you'll stay.

Please—

[infinite-wanders]

What do you think will happen with just Paxton and Devi in S3 either by going by the title names or some made up theories? In my opinion I don't think they'll be together for that long give it till ep 8 or 9 they'll break up..

Also it's a bit confusing that we don't have titles names yet for 9&10 huh.

Hey anons, I don't bite. Ask any of my mutuals. But it's okay, I get it.

I assume you've already read my post and are just want my views purely on Devi and Paxton's journey in s3.

While those were very much in favour of Ben x Devi x Paxton journey in s3, I'm going to give some Daxton heavy theories since you asked. Should I take it as you feel I'm a Daxton expert, as I'm really not.

Prior to the titles being leaked, I was very prepared for a very Devi x Ben season, with Devi and Paxton possibly not together by the end of s3 but still hopeful for Daxton endgame in s4.

The titles now lead me to believe they are together for majority of s3 as they explore their monogamous relationship.

In short, s1 was the foundation building of Daxton and s2 was the awkward "friendship vs romanceship" exploration. I'll elaborate in a future post I've got drafted as I started answering this ask.

Never Have I Ever ...

Written theories on leaked episode titles (Daxton Edition)

3x02 ... had My Own Troll

The episode opens to Devi waking up to more messages from instanon.

It's a photo of Paxton and Zoe making out.

Devi wakes up sweating from this nightmare.

She goes to see Dr Ryan who tries to be the voice of reason and tells her to just ask Paxton what it could mean.

Devi argues how it would upset Paxton and make him insecure.

Devi recruits her 2 besties to find out this anon.

Fabiola needs a distraction and Eleanor always loves a good drama.

They try Jonah and Ben to find dead ends. They try Eric who is revealed as Lady Whistleboy.

Eventually, Trent comes across their path, and is like, "Oh yeah. I totally forgot I sent that."

Trent: "Devi, my boy Maxi Pax has a heart of gold behind those chiselled abs. Don't go breaking it, or else."

Devi: That's not where the heart is... never mind.

Maybe Paxton finds out. Maybe he doesn't.

3x03 ... had a Valentine

Okay... so s2 never gave us a first proper Daxton date.

Let's see some growth from dates that involve the boys, Pizza and call of duty.

S3 ep 1 gives us a snippet of a pizza date but I'm sure they can do better for valentines day.

The pressure will be there and our boy may crumble, or he's going to recruit the help of Rebecca and pull something beautiful.

That is, until Trent hijacks his plans and turns it to a double date. Paxton doesn't know how to say no since Trent is no longer giving the icy shoulder.

If the writers feel like drama it up, let's get Aneesa and Ben on this date too.

I'm not going to suggest any date ideas yet as I'm currently writing some for my fic Grata as Hell.

But hey, if our long awaited Daxton pool scene happens in this ep, I may or may not cry.

If Paxton gets her a donut for Devi (with a card that reads, You look cool in that outfit), I legit will bawl. She's been wanting the damn donut since Ganesh Puja.

3x04 ... made someone jealous

Ben Gross goes to private school and it's all Nalini can talk about to Devi.

He overhears after climbing into her room (still yet to be caught, lol)

The insecurities flood him and oh Paxton, Paxton, Paxton ... green looks good on you.

While I personally don't like jealousy in my own relationship, God I do enjoy this drama on TV.

He's about to retreat back and ice Devi out, but they end up having a deep and meaningful.

She reassures him and all is well again.

UNTIL ... Paxton finds the pro/con board.

Dear lord, jealously ensues... then onto ep 5

3x05 ... been Ghosted.

I just believe this is more referring to Ben ghosting Devi rather than Paxton ghosting.

There is a different between ghosting and being iced out. When Paxton has iced her, we usually knew why. For him to ghost it could be from my unlikely theory for ep4. Also, negative to Paxtons growth with Devi.

The only thing I could think why Paxton would ghost of if tragedy strikes Paxtons family and he doesn't want to burden Devi with it. Very unlikely as he'd want her there.

3x06... had a breakdown

If it's not Andy Samberg narrated episode, and is more referring to Devi having a breakdown (compared to her losing her shit).

Paxton gets offered a scholarship to Stanford University, keeping him here in California. While Devi works towards Princeton and Ben towards Colombia.

The realisation that Devi may have to choose between Paxton, or her future, triggers a breakdown.

Devi gets waitlisted and Ben gets early acceptance (is this a thing when you're not a senior? I'm not from USA so our school system is different).

3x07 ... cheated

[404 error]

I'll elaborate another time on Devi or Paxton possibly cheating in school, as it better not be referring to relationships. I'll be hello pissed.

3x08 ... hooked up with my boyfriend

Devi and Paxton have sex for the first time.

I'm still hoping for Paxton to reveal Devi is his first because everyone assumes Paxton has had alot of sex. Maybe he has. But Daxton heart if here for extra special moments.

Beyond this I'm not ready to elaborate further.

.

.

.

To conclude, ep 3x09 and ep 3x10 episode titles have not been leaked as I feel they would be major spoilers. Maybe someone dies in ep 9, maybe ep 10 reveals this Daxton endgame or breakup of Daxton as he graduates.

I'm like this as all my OTP are never endgame

[retired-ceo]

my the wilds review S1&2

My friend reccommended the show to me, but when I watched the first episode, I was so unimpressed that I quit before it was halfway over. But when I gave it a second chance, I ended up blasting through episode after episode, excitedly chattering about it to my friend, to the point where I was flooding her dms with my thoughs. So overall: I greatly enjoyed the show! Looking forward to S3 when it happens But here’s a more detailed spoilery review of my pros and cons:

My favorite things about the show have to be the setting, the willingness to let the cast be ugly, and the message. Setting is because I don’t watch wilderness survival shows often, and I was just so impressed by how they must have shot it on location, and the actors were really out there climbing trees and shit, and that’s just. Impressive! I’ll never get it over it. The twist at the end of S2 that they’re stuck on another island - I like that! More island! (Besides, I did guess early on that they’d throw the girls back onto the island just to be like “So what did you learn from last time?” lol) When I mention “ugly,” I don’t mean unattractive. I think all the cast members are kinda hot. I mean they’re actors. They have to be. But the show lets them have dirty and rough skin, sunburns, pimples, like... Again, smth new for me! Like you really feel like this people COULD have been on a deserted island for this long. This also carries into the acting, with the actors allowed to express extreme emotions that aren’t appealing to watch, but give the characters more depth. But the best thing about the show is the message, which I take to be: gender essentialism is WRONG. The idea that, broadly speaking “If a woman was president, we’d have no wars! :)” is just fucking stupid. Because it is. We can see this in Gretchen herself, our toxic girlboss who is willing to endanger lives in the name of “progress.” Which is... exactly what the men she accuses of.. also do. Her message is just a charade, to make women (her) look like the victims. I feel like a lot of rich white women do this, the feminine victim card to make themselves “oppressed,” like the rest of us. Does sexism exist? Yes. But sexism against women is to deprive them of power. Gretchen HAS power. A lot of it. But she still wants to claim victimhood for herself, and the easiest way is to coopt the truth and twist it. And I think that’s why it’s important that they also have the boys group. Gender essentialism positions women as victims of MEN. It can’t exist without men, and it’s not enough to prove that women can be survivors & agressive, if you don’t also prove that men can be victims & passive. (I also predicted that there would be a boy control group from the start, so I wasn’t suprised or “betrayed” when it happened.) The show hasn’t touched on transgender & nonbinary people, but I think it should because Gretchen’s gender essentialism is often the foundation for TERF beliefs. This is because trans people directly challenge the nature of these assumptions: The idea that gender isn’t essential & inherent, is a direct attack to those beliefs, and can only be dealt with by believing it as a lie, or a ploy from trans women - and that it’s just a fearful coping mechanism from trans men. Maybe The Wilds will explore this in S3, or maybe not. Considering how popular the TERF movement is becoming, it’d be a pretty bold stance, but a necessary one imo. But back to the review - I also have some things I dislike about this show, and there were so many times I was annoyed. If you’ve seen my last post, you’ll know that Leah is one of those things. Leah is the main character, but at practically every turn I couldn’t get behind her. Firstly, she was introduced as a lovesick girl.. and yeah I wasn’t into it. Her line about how girls would memorize their crush’s phone numbers instead of saving them as a contact had me gagging. It felt trite, and her usage of “girls” like it wasn’t just her? Yeah. (It’s revealed in S2 that this was a ploy to make the interrogaters underestimate her. And yeah it worked. Because I was too.) The reveal that she wasted her last phone call, the fact that she dropped the pills, the fight with Fatin - all of it annoyed me. The fact that she kept on getting these important chances - why was she the one to hear the phone? Why was she the one Shelby trusted with the note? (Why not Fatin, who figured out the map WITH Shelby?) Why was Leah the one to stumble onto Nora? Why was she the only one to try to outsmart a gaurd to see the outside? Why was Leah’s crush on Ben Folds so necessary to the plot? Why was Leah’s “breakthrough” her delusion telling her to be smart? It feels a lot of her importance to the plot comes through coincidences, and that feels downright lazy. Perhaps if I found Leah more relatable and/or entertaining as a character I might have handwaved this. Several times through the show I was thinking “Why couldn’t have Fatin gotten this plotline?” Fatin btw, is not relatable in the slightest, but she had the good sense to be amusing. I heard someone say Leah’s point was that she seemed like a shallow lovestruck girl who secretly had depth, but Fatin was also seen as nothing more then a shallow “Stacy,” and could have easily also proven her depth (beyond an offscreen miraculous finding of water. Her backstory episode had like.. almost no interrogation moments, did you notice that?) Leah’s obsession as treated as a good thing repeatedly during the show, but it caused her to accuse Shelby and harass Rachel. IDC if Nora was the secret agent, you don’t talk to a grieving girl like that, damn. But she’s made too many wrong decisions for me to ever think that her obssessions are generally “helpful.” Beyond Leah, I also dislike her romanting backstory with Jeff, and it’s separate from Leah. The thing I dislike about it is that it’s obviously wrong. I know that, her friend Ian knows it, Fatin knows it. But the show always presents the romance (when it was ongoing,) as nothing short of heavenly, and the best moments of Leah’s entire life. Look. There’s a REASON people consider 30 and 16 terrible for romance, and it’s not just cuz the numbers don’t look good together. It’s because those type of relationships AREN’T “heavenly,” and have terrible power dynamics WITHIN the relationship. The relationship when it lasts is bad. Even if the younger person thinks it’s going great, it should be clear to any neutral observer that it’s wrong. And the show failed to show that. Leah & Jeff’s relationship is terrible, but it’s told to us rather then showed. The worst thing Jeff is shown doing to Leah is dumping her, which at that point was a mercy. Now, don’t misinterpret me here: I hate Jeff. Any 30 year old who tries to make a move on highschool girls, regardless of age, is a fucking creep. But the show should have SHOWN us how his creepiness effected the relationship, and instead of leaving it up to other characters to say it for them. Lastly, since I’m keeping it to three things, I have to admit that Season 2 wasn’t as good as Season 1. But not in a “the boy’s screentime was bad,” sense. Because honestly... I liked the guys. I preffered them. Maybe it’s because I was binging the show, but I had seen so much of the girls that the boys felt like breath of fresh air. New characters!! New dynamics!!! The wonder of S1 where we watch people get accustomed to living on an island.. again!! Yay! Haha. I kinda wished the boys had their OWN season, because they didn’t get nearly as much focus as the girls did the 1st season. Not as many backstory episodes, and not as much 1-on-1 time. That’s a thing I liked about S1, that each girl got to interact with each other girl in a unique way. It didn’t feel like there was any cliques. However, as I said I did enjoy the boys, I liked their steady group division and unification. It felt reasonable and ... cohesive, whereas the girls would like. Take issue with one girl (ex: Fatin), and then kick her out for like. Just wanting some more rations? And then they’d accept the girl back the next day, like okay. And I feel like every girl, whilst not all exiled, had like a huge problem episode where they were The Worst, and everyone else got mad at them. Whereas the guys didn’t have that much individual chaos. It was really just them against Seth, and pretty much every problem.. was related to Seth. Besides that, Kirin, Henry, Josh (I think Josh is just .. really cute and deserves hugs & support, easy fave), Scotty, Bo. Ivan, I liked all of them. (Raf got boring though, Leah(m) I call him, but with less deus x machina.) And they were fresh, and the girls weren’t. And the girls were kinda slowing down, because they had the whole first season to deal with their issues and figure out their dynamics. Shoni became boring, and tbh the only exciting thing the girls gave me in S2 was Dot’s birthday party. Meanwhile the guys gave me The Black Parade, Kirin defending Josh, Henry and Raf’s talk on abusers, DJ calling out his mom,  Kirin telling Josh to stop just taking orders. Idk they just had more going on! So my problem with S2 isn’t the boys, but the pacing. I think the guys deserved more time, but most The Wilds enjoyers wished they had a whole lot less. Do I know what the screenwriters should have done? No. But it was a misstep all the same. A lot of the S1 lovers felt “betrayed,” so I wish the show had set up the boys earlier, instead of leaving it as a “twist,” that basically no one enjoyed. If it had been clear there was a control group earlier, people might have been less disdainful of the men, and maybe the screentime split between them would have been more even. Lastly, before I forget: Ivan’s backstory. It’s a controversial topic for obvious reasons, and I’ll say it. I didn’t enjoy it. To me it felt very “this is what conservatives think will happen.” It didn’t feel like someone that would happen in real life. However - it did fell like something that would happen online. Like Tumblr. Like Kirin shipped sheith and Ivan was a Klancer, and was goading Kirin into getting canceled. Like I’ve heard horror stories of ppl on tumblr doxxing people/forcing them to recound their trauma, then publicizing it. Like nasty shit in the name of purity and wokeness. It does happen. But it only happens in places where being “woke” is necessary, when the minorities ARE the majority. (aka Tumblr) But in my experience, pretty much no one in a public highschool gives a fuck about being woke. People wouldn’t be expelled for that. Like okay Paramount Heathers... like. That just doesn’t happen, I’m sorry. So the story is both fake and realistic, and it’s really hard to take seriously. I think they could have done the premise of “guy is more concerned with his identity then the actual people/believes people can’t compensate for their sins” in a more nuanced way. If Kirin had bullied Ivan in the past, or bullied Ivan’s friend, even though he was clearly a better person now. And so Ivan had a more grounded reason to ruin Kirin’s life, yet was too focused on revenge to realize the life he was destroying. Idk, I’m spitballing here. The fact that I’ve written so much on what I dislike compared to what I like makes it seem like I dislike the show, but as I said I throughly enjoyed this show. It’s just listing every single joke or bonding moment that I liked would be much longer, and 2) I’ve forgotten a lot of it. Sorry.

[namtanlovesfilm]

axelle judges bl shows > Call It What You Want 1 & 2

/!\ SPOILERS AHEAD

shitty summary: James gets hired last minute to be the director of a new BL series. From the start though, things seem weird at the company, and they’re not eased by James starting a romance with the main actor of the series, Ait.

where to watch: gagaoolala | dramacool

grade: 7,5/10

pros:

- michael kittisak, man. I will talk about the acting too, but I needed to give this man a whole ass paragraph bc he carried the whole show on his shoulders. like, he’s without a doubt the number one reason why you should watch this. his acting is frankly so surprisingly amazing after having seen him in love sick & oxygen. he IS bas, without a single doubt, and every single one of his expressions, his movements & his words are so deeply painful. from the first season, bas was the most interesting part of the show. you could feel with one look at him that he was not okay, and season two really gave him even more character development. this performance is genuinely so impressive it might be one of my favorites of the year. I hope michael gets more roles bc he definitely deserves them.

- the story is really fucking important. not only is it about something that genuinely happened in the bl industry, something that the director himself was a witness to, but it’s a great change from bl shows that notoriously tend to romanticize s*xual assault. it was really important to show a male victim of sexual assault & have a series try to do him justice. the show also calls out other toxic bl practices, like bas being the “top” & having to stay fit bc of it, only ingesting chicken shakes & messing up his digestive system bc of it, for example.

- the acting was honestly solid from everyone, and when it felt weird I honestly believe it was due to the kinda weird writing more than the actors’ actual skills.

- the chemistry was really good! both ships feel kinda forced ngl, they sorta start out of nowhere, yet even then the chemistry was really good from everyone.

- basmarco. even though again, they do feel a little forced, they were SO good. in so little scenes together, they managed to build such a beautiful foundation for a good relationship & it was really important for bas as a character to get this kind of love & support.

cons:

- jamesait, man. firstly I don’t like their relationship. it felt really forced that they would fall in love at first sight in that way when they met when james was introduced as ait’s director. moreover, ait being SO flirty & pushy felt so weird when he should want to preserve his career more than anything. I also think the choice to make THEM the main relationship, when clearly bas (and by extension marco) had a much stronger & WAY more meaningful storyline is pretty weird to me. especially when a director/actor relationship that happens while the filming of the series is taking place SCREAMS power imbalance. and yes here the power imbalance isn’t quite there since it’s ait who’s the one pushing the relationship, but frankly jamesait felt so out of place compared to the actual main storyline which is about s*xual assault at the hand of the more powerful. also james & ait as characters were... pretty annoying ngl. james is okay, he’s very bland despite being the main character, and he has no backbone & no problem acting like nothing is going on & working with a fucking r*pist......... but ait is even worse imo. again, he’s so pushy & weirdly written, and he has no clear goals or interesting character traits. he’s just there to be james’ love interest & be fucking annoying about it lol. he’s also got no problem working with a fucking r*pist, so fuck both of them.

- the writing is... pretty weird at times. there are scenes that are so strong & beautiful and that I LOVED, but some others... just aren’t it. for example, bas sending himself a picture of jamesait & accidentally exposing them was so random, and used only to get ait to be mad at bas & give bas one more reason to attempt s*icide. marco liking james served literally no purpose, and it being revealed so late into the second season felt pointless, especially since marco seemed to move on to bas real fast after that. and honestly the whole atmosphere of the show is kinda eerie & weird, which works in certain scenes bc again this is kind of a dark series, but also not in others that try to be funny (& fail, whoops.) I can just imagine how much better the series could’ve been with better writing, & it makes me pretty sad.

- the ending was SHIT. so much so that instead of being put in the previous paragraph, it gets its own. BIG SPOILER, but in the end the focus is put more on james & ait having a relationship that doesn’t fit the basait ship from the series they’re filming, THAN THE DIRECTOR OF THE COMPANY R*PING HIS ACTORS. like, yes, he gets exposed, but the whole ep leads up way more to james & ait coming out as a couple than the actual s*xual assault victims??? like who fucking cares about jamesait dating, this press conference should’ve been about bas & kaprao getting the justice they deserve. not have the company’s director get exposed in five seconds & then have the rest of the focus in that ep be on james & ait. it was just so anticlimactic to me, and frankly kinda undid all the good this show was trying to bring to the table in the first place.

would I rewatch it: hm... maybe

Overall this is a really flawed show, but I also still think it’s a pretty important one. I’m glad that some bl shows are breaking the usual mold to call out actual issues faced in the bl industry, and just for that I would recommend this series.

[slugtranslation-hypmic]

Hey, the new episode of the anime just came out!! I noticed that you really like Ramuda, so I wanna know your opinions about it.. If that's alright?? What do you think about Ramuda's actions in the episode?

Stuck under a cut for anime spoilers.

Hmmm, I have mixed feelings about this. It’s a much different interpretation than manga Ramuda that has its own pros and cons. I understand fully that the manga wasn’t fully released by the time of anime production and that adaptations across mediums in no way need to be identical, but I’m still a little bit sad that a lot of what I enjoyed about Hypmic isn’t coming across in plot-heavy moments. The anime feels very vapid and surface level to me.

The largest difference between anime Ramuda and manga Ramuda in this episode is the way that he works through his extreme emotions regarding his own death. Manga Ramuda appears angry at first in FP/M 11, where he kicks the wall and swears (fun fact - at the time, I was starting to cut back on swearing, especially the word “fuck” in order to look more professional, but I remember thinking, “If there is ever a time to use the word ‘fuck’, this is it.” I still stand by that, hahaha.) but that anger quickly dissolves into despair and resignation. This creates a more helpless Ramuda, and in that sense, I really did like how the anime had him channel his anger into a different direction. It gave Ramuda more agency and expands his character into a very different direction. The concept of, “If I can’t live my life the way I want it to, then I’m taking you down with me” is very appealing to me because I find villains entertaining.

But it does strike me as overly petty and takes away a good deal of the sympathetic aspects that the manga shows. While Ramuda is a little stinker in the manga as well, it plays up a sympathetic angle over the course of the story by stressing how trapped he is in the system and how little control he has over his own actions. FP/M 11 and FP/M 13 stress that he has almost no choice in the matter, and the end of FP/M coupled with the TDDs reveal that he is largely the victim of a much larger system which doesn’t allow him the opportunity to do good. The anime has shown practically none of this, so we now have a Ramuda who is best characterized by “I think I will cause problems on purpose”. This is wonderfully entertaining, and I like it, but I’m also disappointed to lose an aspect of Hypmic that I greatly enjoyed. Also since the anime has shown none of why Ramuda hates Jakurai, it looks like he’s willing to brainwash Jakurai for absolutely no reason. Even considering what Jakurai actually did (made a fairly innocuous comment on its own which, taken within context, betrays Ramuda’s trust and flies in the face of their friendship, which appears to set Ramuda back several steps emotionally), I feel like Ramuda’s reaction here is somewhat excessive. The anime sets up Jakurai as more of the “good” character in this scenario more than the manga does, especially having him reach out and try to figure out what happened (which does not happen at all in the drama track/CD canon) before Ramuda shuts that down, so it looks like a continuation of portraying their half of the TDD breakup as very black and white. The issue is that it’s really anything but that.

Lastly, I’m not super happy with the Gentarou and Dice intervention. That is one of my favorite scenes, if not my most favorite scene, in the entire manga, and it did not have the same impact in the anime. I did very much like Gentarou’s lines about Ramuda being the protagonist in his own story and therefore having to play the part, but that was about it. The manga scene is so poignant because - by emphasizing so much earlier that Ramuda does not have his own agency - it represents the very first significant choice Ramuda makes for himself in the series. Here, Ramuda made his decision before he even shows up to the battle, and his friends actually talk him out of it. It’s less, “You have the ability to choose for yourself how to live your life” and more “Hey man, that’s not very kosher.”

Like for much of the anime, I’m disappointed that there isn’t more time spent laying the foundation for certain emotional impacts.

[cutie--q]

alegria654 replied:

Okay, sell me that show, I have no idea if it's worth watching

i don’t know how to persuade people really, so i decided to make a list of my pros and cons of we bare bears instead! i feel like this will be more helpful in figuring out whether you want to start watching it or not :)

pros:

it’s a slice of life show.

the show feels... warm?? if that makes any sense??? (it was actually intended to be that way by the creator!)

the character interactions are SO sweet,,,

the character dynamics are just really fun in general.

the show was made by the crew for the crew, meaning that they made it so it can be enjoyable for both minors and adults!!

this is a subtle thing that’s not acknowledged in the series, but ALL of the characters are socially inept. they’ve all been pushed away by society in some shape or form, whether that’s because they’re put on a pedestal so much that they can’t trust anyone who genuinely wants to befriend them (nom nom), or because they’re LITERALLY bigfoot and they’ve been chased/judged all their life that they’ve never had a lasting group of friends before (charlie). in a show, if there is someone who’s socially inept, it’s usually just one person (and even then, they’re just shy or ~quirkily~ awkward), so it’s incredible to see a show whose FULL CAST is socially inept!

on that note, bigfoot is a recurring character. that’s enough of a reason to watch this show. /joking

haha found family lovers go brrrrr

it’s definitely comfort show material!!

the relationship between a panda bear and bigfoot is something that can actually be so gay coded

these are the classic gay coded characters, folks. ya got the one who is VERY affectionate (charlie literally kisses panda and only panda sometimes??? for no reason????), them risking their lives for each other time and time again, that one scene in “chicken and waffles” where they’re just staring and stammering at each other (i seriously can’t see that scene as anything but romantic), them having a child in some way, it has it all.

the bears being mistreated by strangers in the show has always been an allegory for what it’s like to be a person of color in america. this was not only highlighted in the episode “grizzly the movie,” where grizz is casted into a movie that negatively depicts grizzly bears, but also in the show’s official movie, which is centered around the government trying to separate the bears and force them to “go back to where they came from.” (the movie is the most serious part of the series. it genuinely messed me up for days.) it’s very impressive that this allegory wasn’t added in later on; it was always intended to be apart of the show.

cons:

panda.

there is no character development in the show. the show would have you thinking there is, but it’s so painfully slow and gets taken away whenever it’s convenient for the plot that it’s just best to not get into it :/ (especially since the show got cancelled RIGHT when the characters were actually changing)

there’s also not that much continuity/ongoing plot. (this isn’t really a con, but it’s an important thing to know.) the only thing resembling that is “icy nights,” which was a continuing story in the show that only had two episodes and is unfinished. although the crew talked about how they wanted to wrap that up, so at least you can have closure in that regard.

the creator laughed at people who harmlessly shipped his characters :///

the characters kinda take a backseat as the show goes on. what i mean by that is that the episodes start making the WaCkY situations lead more than the characters and their personalities. this starts to happen in the less well received season 4, tho, so it doesn’t take up too much of the show.

also in season 4, they start to have a LOT more baby bear episodes than usual. baby bear episodes are episodes that focus on the bears as kids, but the thing about these episodes is that they’re just “awww, cute!” material for 11 minutes straight (it doesn’t have that much substance). getting these episodes sometimes?? a nice change of pace, it’s kinda interesting to see them interact as kids. but when these episodes take up a quarter of the season??? not so much. (who knows, maybe this increase in episodes gave CN the idea to cancel wbb and make a show that focused on them... as kids. they basically made a show that excludes their friends, who are the foundation of this show, cause, y’know, that’s a good idea :|)

in the show’s movie about racism, a cop was the hero even tho it would’ve been VERY easy for their friends to have been instead 🙃

[saebyeog-i]

what it feels like | pcy

“If this was a brave new world you’d entered with that thinly veiled declaration of love, you wanted no part of it.”

genre | you can send me your dental bill for this tooth rotting mushy fluff / internalized angst if you squint / this might be soft enough to not be considered solid matter / this sat on a shelf next to a soulmates au for five minutes

word count | ~1.8k (this! was! supposed! to! be! a! drabble!)

pairing | PCY x reader (this is actually relatively gender neutral without meaning to be?)

—

Someone once told you there were many different kinds of love, and many different important firsts beyond just a kiss or a date or sex. You’d kissed and fucked and wined and dined others in the past for plenty of different reasons that didn’t really matter, despite the notion that experiencing any of those firsts with someone who was not your one-and-only was often taboo in your world. Yet, you believed the words you’d once been told by a stranger you no longer remembered, and you held strongly to those ideals, because they grounded you— you found comfort in them, and they acted as a guiding light when you were otherwise wandering lost in the clouded haze of your own life.

The first time you realized that Park Chanyeol was the love of your life felt like a scene from a coming-of-age rom com more than it did a moment in your own life. It came after all those other firsts in your life had been experienced with different people over the last ten years, and it came on one of the otherwise most unimportant nights of your life.

In the months since you’d known him, you’d come to appreciate the different looks you’d witness in Chanyeol’s eyes. When he was deep in thought, focused on something, making a new piece of music or writing a new lyric or verse. When he was bursting with excitement, an extrovert on main, relishing the spotlight and attention from those he surrounded himself with. When he was quiet and calm, his eyes not giving away the thoughts firing through his mind (though those moments were fewer and further between than others— he’s a busy man, you know). He had what you’d come to call ‘galaxy eyes’— you could see the whole universe wherever he looked.

What had compelled you to stay with him well past a reasonable hour, into the middle of the night? To accept the invitation to close the ride share app you’d opened to take you home and instead settle into one of the stools lined up along the bar he’d built in the studio? To willingly take the glass of overpriced special edition Macallan scotch (a bottle you’d only ever seen in person before when locked in a glass case behind an unachievable monetary value for a single bottle of liquor) that he slid across the bar top towards you with a smile plastered on his face? To lift that glass up with a delicate grasp, knocking your knuckles against his and murmuring a ‘cheers’ as you both drank to everything at once and nothing at all?

What had compelled you to snort with laughter with him and exchange humorous stories of your awkward teenage years, to talk about your first crushes and the embarrassing things you’d done in your youth that you could both cringe and laugh at now that years had passed? To follow him when, at the end of the bottle, he’d said he had something important to show you? To wait patiently as he fumbled with the ring of keys to the building he spent most of his free time in— admittedly he spent more time here than in his own home— as he unlocked the door that lead up beyond the top floor? To take his hand as his long legs raced up the stairs to bring you somewhere he insisted he’d never shared with anyone other than Baekhyun or Sehun or MQ? To look out over the safety rails in wonder at the Seoul city skyline at well after three in the morning?

If you had to really narrow it down, it was the comfort he provided.

It was an accident, all of it, really— an accident that you even met, an accident that he broke your expensive prescription glasses and spilled your morning coffee, and an accident that he felt embarrassed and asked for a method to contact you so he could replace them. It was an accident that you even stayed in contact beyond the day you’d gone to his studio building to pick up the replacement pair he’d ordered, so that he could apologize again, profusely, in person.

You’d come to Seoul to get away. To run far away, to start over, to reset, because anything and everything you’d been looking for before was no where to be found in where you were.

And now you were here. And ‘here’ felt more like home than anywhere else in the years of your adult life so far.

It’d been six months since you met, and he’d slowly let you into more and more of his life as that time had passed. There was hesitation on both sides at first— he was still an idol, someone living a very public life, despite having been more senior in his career. You were still decidedly not famous, and had a constant nagging feeling about what was worth giving up of your own privacy in order to cultivate the new found friendship. Ultimately, the same reason you accepted each and every proposition he offered up that night was the same reason you’d stuck around this long: the comfort.

“You’re not cold, are you? If you’re cold, I’ll get you a coat—” He’d asked suddenly, after a prolonged silence shared between you on the rooftop. You shook your head softly, closing your eyes gently for a moment as the heat rushed to your cheeks. Was it from the cold, the alcohol you’d been consuming, or a response to his considerate question that got you? You weren’t really sure that it mattered. Maybe it was none of them, maybe it was all.

“How often do you come here?” You asked, diverting the subject.

He hummed thoughtfully, non-verbally agreeing to give you a pass on his first question despite the shiver he swore he saw run down your spine just now. His eyes never stayed on one point in the skyline for long. Like he was restless, impatient, searching for something. “Whenever I need to remember that I can still be small. Even after all these years, with all the people that know who I am… I can come up here and still feel small.”

His honesty spread a smile across your face, and you couldn’t help the laughter that erupted from deep within you.

“What? What’s so funny?” He pestered.

After the small eternity in relative stillness and silence you’d shared since ascending to the rooftop, you turned your head and looked straight into his galaxy eyes to respond. “Park Chanyeol, you’re might just be the biggest, grandest presence of a person I’ve ever had the fortune of meeting and knowing. But you’re also the softest and most sincere. If you want to be small, I promise I’ll forever see you as how you want to be seen. I promise to do my very best to see you as that and only that.”

Where did the proclamation even come from? Deep within your heart and psyche, that’s for sure, unearthed by the liquor and again the comfort, that pesky comfort you felt when you were with him; and you knew without the liquor and the comfort that proclamation would have otherwise remained buried. As you processed what you’d just said to him, your heart thrummed in your chest, and an awareness settled over you.

‘Oh,’ you thought, ‘This must be what that feels like. What it feels like.’

You knew you’d said the wrong thing as the moments between your words and his lack of a response ticked by, as the silence between you grew from a pause to a hesitation to a complete and utter blank stare looking back at you. Those galaxy eyes, the ones you’d grown to treasure, rendered completely unreadable by something you’d said. If this was a brave new world you’d entered with that thinly veiled declaration of love, you wanted no part of it.  

You had to back pedal, to rewind the last two minutes and take it back, you couldn’t have him catch on—

“Shit,” he muttered out finally, running his hand through his slightly grown-out bleached hair.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean—”

“You feel it too?” His words cut you off, and it took a moment to register what he’d just implied.

What was that feeling? ‘That’ ‘it’ you were just so sure you’d felt? Surely it wasn’t the foundation of everything you thought you knew shifting, of your heart gravitating towards that of another, of a sudden realization that the center of your world wasn’t the sun or a star or a physical place, but the space between you and another person?

“What… what do you feel? When you’re with me?” You asked softly, unable to look away from him despite the furious flush you wished you could hide.

And there it was again, erasing any fear or previous hesitation, reinforcing everything you’d felt that you’d been so sure you’d fabricated in your mind. That kilowatt smile, the sparkle in his eyes, looking like he held the whole world in his gaze when his eyes were on no one else but you. “I feel like I see my whole future by my side, and that I want nothing more than for them to feel the same.”  

Would it be so bad? To take his hand?

“I—” you breathed out, words caught in your throat before they could even make their way to your tongue.

“You keep your promises, no? Didn’t you just promise me to see me how I want to be seen?”

He had a point. If you’d taught him anything about yourself these past few months, it’d be that you kept your word when you gave it. You sucked a breath in and bit down on the flesh of your mouth, chewing at the inside of your lip for a moment. How could you weigh every pro and con of allowing yourself to love the man beside you with your whole heart? How could you make such a choice in so brief a passage of time, to give in to everything your psyche had been all but screaming at you for at least the last month, if you really thought about it?

Anxiety made your heart race faster and faster as he waited for your response. Your eyes flicked down to see his hands gripping the guardrail in front of him, knuckles turning white as he steadied himself. And in that moment, you came to realize a different truth of not just the love of your life, but humanity in general: celebrity status aside, everyone deserved to love and be loved in return. You could only wish that everyone important to you could feel the way you felt when you looked in Chanyeol’s eyes.

Really, would it be that bad?

‘No,’ you finally thought, unable to stop the smile from spreading as you rose on the tips of your toes to meet your lips with those of the man who wanted to be reminded that even with the life he’d led so far and the path he’d chosen that he could still be small, ‘It wouldn’t be bad at all.’

—

author’s note | stream 1 Billion Views, steam Yours, be emo about them both because I sure as hell was while writing this.

[vajranam]

Dakini Day Advice

Happy Dakini day, since my life was moving a bit crazy I had tried to get back a bit on the traditional side of Tb with the written Sadhana, but, after just a day, I decided to get back to full Siddhas practice. Because the inside I developed with was way beyond the inside I had with “sadhana”.

If I told you that today it’s to make a big point, first if you look at your Sadhanas and you got a big pile of it I can tell you for the fact that yes you may get couple of blessing but not what the aim of the sadhana.

First things first yes your Lama is the key, myself I am like Naro if Garchen Rinpoche told me to climb the mountain son I do. Having full trust in your lama is like multiplying your practice by thousand.

Second key well we talk about Sadhana, some of you got a lot empowerment, practice and vows but if all of this you still in the same place, mean if you practice vajrayana you can turn a klesha in an hour a day, if you practice other yana can’t take longer.

If I told you my experience at first it’s because the method and sadhana that I use been very efficient for my little ego grasping self.

It’s sadhana are supposed to eradicate ego grasping, so end up what I can call spiritual narcissism so you ego became bigger because “ I practice chakra samsara” will suggest you look at your vows, practice retake all teaching your lama told you and you will see you miss some points.

Methods

This one is very important if I didn't know that a my super secret sadhana gave by rinpoche would had been not working.

Paper Sadhana lay/monk method

pro : it keep the Buddha teaching alive, he gave lot of blessing, very insideful if we know how to use it, very good to start the path and progress .

Con : Soon you open the sadhana you mind grasp on “ I am doing the practice”, very difficult to apply in everyday life with work pattern, we also grasping in all aspect of spiritual materialism.

Paperless Sadhana Mahasiddhas Method

Pro : it keep the Buddha teaching a live and in practice, shrine is inside you, can be practised anywhere, very deep insides, accelerate realisation because no grasping, can be practice everywhere at anytime, unlimited practice.

Con : need to learn visualisation, seeds syllable, prayers by heart “ like Milarepa did”, need to learn the breathing technics, need to pass all judgement of practicing in Gonpa and take the all world as gompa.

Chose right

that not just finding your Lama, that also finding what work for you and what method work for you, if in 10 years you been practising and you still see your dream of practice without understanding the inside or if you still get kleshas you need A look if that the right sadhana you practice not everyone practice vajrayogini and the only power you need to get is compassion and love. The right method is also need it, because well Siddhas are very minimalist I can compare that to zen in some way, but very efficient. But if you don’t practice siddha you need very organised and free from ego grasping.

Look for efficiency if none work mean you lack foundation I seen tones of “ high practionners with no foundations at all” without foundation we practice Ego not Buddha Dharma

[offbeatcappuccino]

Do You Like Brahms? Final Review (Spoilers!)

Cast: Kim Min Jae, Park Eun Bin, Park Ji Hyun, Kim Seong Chul

Streaming Platform: KOCOWA TV

Year: 2020

Rating : 8.9/10 

Synopsis:

Do You Like Brahms? is a drama set against the backdrop of the field of classical music in Korea. The story revolves around two protagonists Park Joon Young (Kim Min Jae) , a talented piano prodigy, who’s won numerous accolades at various global piano competitions, and Chae Song Ah ( Park Eun Bin) , a business major who decided to repeat four years of undergrad to major in violin. Their stories intersect when Joon Young decides to return to Korea for a sabbatical after his successful North American tour and Song Ah chooses to take an internship at the Kyunghoo Cultural Foundation, the same foundation which offered its first scholarship to Joon Young to help support his musical studies. The growing relationship between the two characters and the conflicts that they face with their friends and families as they struggle to succeed professionally, but also personally forms the crux of the plot.

The title of the drama Do You Like Brahms? has a lot of significance to the actual plot of the show. Johannes Brahms was an accomplished German composer and the most famous story about this personal life is his unwavering love for Clara Schuman, the wife of another famous composer, Robert Schuman. The title is significant in the drama because Brahms is the only composer that Joon Young outright refuses to play, but also because both Joon Young’s life and to a certain extent Song Ah’s as well parallel Brahms’ own life.

Pros:

Realistic & Healthy Relationships: Almost all the romantic relationships that I’ve seen in all the dramas I watched this year all had some sort of  “fate” element that brought them together. For instance, in It’s Okay to Not Be Okay, Ko Mun Yeong and Moon Gang Tae were acquainted with each other as children, but then drifted apart after Ko Mun Yeong practically spooked the living daylight out of Gang Tae. However, In Do You Like Brahms, both Park Joon Young and Chae Song Ah meet by random chance and its really heartwarming to see their relationships progress in the same way that it does for many people. They start out as acquaintances at work, who quickly become friends, before committing to a serious relationship towards the later half of the series. Seeing them at all three stages is truly heartwarming and comforting, especially due to the strong chemistry shared between the two leads. 

Unlike other characters in other k-dramas, Joon Young and Song Ah aren’t dramatic in the way they show their affection to each other. We don’t have some crazy scene where one saves the other’s life or even the typical k-drama piggyback scene that happens whenever the female lead gets too drunk. Rather, we see scenes where affection is conveyed by the way that Joon Young asks Song Ah if she’s done with class, or whether they want to grab dinner together. It’s the way that the very shy and timid Song Ah feels comfortable enough to pull Joon Young’s strings from time to time, or how she gifts Joon Young an umbrella because he doesn’t own one. Similarily, Joon Young shows how much he cares about Song Ah in the way that he uses the beige  handkerchief hat she gave him to clean his piano or how his usual sad face lights up every single time he sees Song Ah’s smile. 

Another aspect of Joon Young and Song Ah’s relationship that I truly admire is how good these two are at active listening. Even during their most explosive arguments, they never try to cut each other off and make a genuine attempt at listening to each other. When one of them is having a rough day, there isn’t this desperate attempt by the other to offer useless advice. Instead, they just let the other just vent as much as they want, while they’re sipping on another cup of tea. Even when things are rough, they constantly respect each other’s boundaries. However, the show also acknowledges that their relationship is not perfect by any means and its nice to see them work through their problems. Overall, it’s really nice to see a k-drama that doesn’t glorify toxic relationships.

Realistic and Nuanced Acting : A common problem that arises when you’re doing any type of drama based on playing an instrument is that very often a show will show an instrument being played the wrong way, or will rely on professional musicians as body doubles to play the instrument. As someone who played violin from the ages of 11-17, I can confirm that this drama does such a good job highlighting all the nuances that come with playing the violin, whether it be tuning your instrument , your string breaking, or even rubbing rosin against your bow, and even the sentiment surrounding being last chair in orchestra was really nice to see because you know the show writers really did their research when they decided to write the script for the drama. Also, major shout out to Park Eun Bin for her vibrato technique and I guess it helps that she played violin at the college level. Same goes for Kim Min Jae, who also knows how to play piano. Fun fact about the show is that many of the pieces played by the characters in the show were actually played by the actors themselves and they spent a considerable amount of time brushing up on their skills to play some pretty complicated pieces. 

Cons:

Conflict: It doesn’t take long for viewers of the show to figure out that there are some serious obstacles in Joon Young and Song Ah’s relationship with one of them being Joon Young’s inability to prioritize and move on from his past. This is an issue that somewhat works itself out in this drama, but I think the other more serious issue for this couple was the very apparent disparity these two had in their professional lives.

 One issue in this relationship was how insecure Song Ah felt because she was not an accomplished musician like Joon Young and was being constantly berated by those around her that she simply was not good enough to be Joon Young’s girlfriend. One of the major scenes in this show was Song Ah’s advisor straight up telling her that she would be a “good wife” to Joon Young by taking care of him before his performances and by doing so, completely invalidating Song Ah’s own professional dreams of becoming a violinist and her own journey in music. While Song Ah does ultimately quit the violin for valid reasons and ventures into the world of music management and event planning, it was somewhat disheartening to see that Song Ah really does end up doing exactly what her professor said she would and it was also disappointing that Song Ah and Joon Young did not ever really have a sincere discussion about this issue, especially considering the toll that it was taking on Song Ah’s life. 

This brings me to one of the biggest cons of the show, which is that both Song Ah and Joon Young have serious issues in their life outside of their relationship, which they never confront individually or discuss with each other. In addition, the way the show is written, there is no room for resolution of these issues and we’re left with an ending that is sweet and romantic, but also feels like the show was wrapped up way too quickly. 

Lee Jung Kyung: Most complaints about second leads on k-dramas is that they do not get a proper storyline and many viewers are left wanting more scenes of the second leads. The problem with this show is the exact opposite, which is that the second lead in this show has absolutely way too much screen time. Lee Jung Kyung is a poorly written character, who at many times comes off as whiny, self-absorbed, and irrational in her newfound infatuation with Joon Young. I understand that she’s supposed to be a source of conflict for the main couple, but so much of the plot was devoted to Lee Jung Kyung, when the writers could have been investing that time on Song Ah’s and Joon Young’s character development and conflict resolution. 

[antimatterpod]

Transcript - 72. What About Manperson?

This transcript is SO LARGE that the first eight attempts to share it broke Tumblr. (Tumblr, sweetheart, it’s a plain text file, if Usenet and dial-up could handle it, I’m sure you can cope.)

You can listen to the original episode here.

Anika: Welcome to Antimatter Pod, a Star Trek podcast where we discuss fashion, feminism, subtext and subspace, hosted by Anika and Liz. This week, we're taking a trip back to 1977 to discuss a write up of a panel on 'feminism in Treklit'.

Liz: And I pushed for this one because I promised us [an episode about] zines, and I had misremembered where the zine archive was. And then I stumbled across this essay, and it was so interesting and wild, and I figured we could probably get some discussion out of it.

Anika: Absolutely. I just want to start by saying that 'Treklit' is the cutest little word ever.

Liz: I know!

Anika: 'Treklit'. I love it so much.

Liz: And there's no, "Oh, no, we mustn't call it literature. It's just fan fiction" about it. Because there were no tie-in novels back then, there were just a handful of novelizations and so forth. So go for it, ladies!

Anika: Really bad ones, too.

Liz: Yeah, yeah.

Anika: I've read those. They're bad.

Liz: The panelists in this discussion were Sharon Ferraro, who was a zine publisher, fic writer and con organizer, and Jean Lorrah, a fic writer, novelist and editor, who would go on to write tie-in fiction, including The Vulcan Academy Murders and the TNG novel Survivors, which we discussed in our tie-in fiction episode. And this panel took place at SekwesterCon in 1976. It was tape-recorded by one fan and written up by the [convention] organizers for a zine.

Anika: Which is also adorable.

Liz: I know! And it sounds like just the whole room got into it. And it was so interesting! I can only imagine the drama if this panel was held today, because they sit down and start calling out authors and fics by name and title. And one of the authors stands up and argues back. And it's just wildly interesting, and a snapshot of fandom, and fic writing fandom, at the time.

Anika: Amazing. You put that note, you know, "Can you imagine if this panel was held today," and I was thinking about it, I was like, it sort of is, but it's in social media and in comments.

Liz: Yeah.

Anika: But like, even there, there's not really so much of a -- there's a lot of discourse, you know how we use that word now, "discourse", sort of to mean something completely different than what it actually means.

But if there's that there's still sort of this, etiquette to it, I would say. If someone leaves you a nasty comment on a fic and you didn't ask for it, everybody will come in and say, "That was inappropriate, you shouldn't have done that."

And even online, if you're going to say, "Oh, I've just read this horrible Star Trek fan fiction, it was so bad and so ridiculous," like you don't use the names and you don't link to it. You protect the anonymity of the person. And so it's sort of like, yeah, even even though we can still be just as vicious and just as critical, there is sort of this accepted way of doing things.

Liz: Yeah.

Anika: That this discussion sort of flies in the face of, which is interesting, it's like, huh, you know, they can you can go both ways on that. That has pros and cons.

Liz: Yeah, there was a discussion on Twitter a few weeks ago about racism in fandom and on AO3. One person cited a very specific Michael/Lorca slavery AU, and I knew exactly which fic she was talking about. And I have shared her opinion, and that fic is vile, and I hate it. And I hate that it's on AO3 and there's no way to block it when I search for Lorca fic.

But no one was linking to it. No one was saying this to the author's face. Apparently people have tried to go, "This is a very bad idea for a fic," and she's just like, "LOL, whatevs!"

We are critical. But there's also just too many people in fandom to get all of us in a room or on one mailing list to be part of this discussion.

Anika: It's so interesting that you mention mailing lists, because I was there for the mailing list, um, Trek stuff. And I do remember, you know, there was a lot of -- I guess it was like camps, you know, people who would be on one side or the other of a discussion. And that could get pretty intense sometimes. I don't have any -- it was sort of the end of it when I was involved, so I feel like I witnessed the move from email list to online, I don't know--

Liz: Blogs.

Anika: Yeah, like blogs and all, your own space, I guess.

Liz: Yes.

Anika: As opposed to -- we would like email each other our fan fictions, and they wouldn't go anywhere else, it would just be on this email list, and the copy of the email list that was in Yahoogroups, or whatever.

Liz: And if you were, for example, part of a Janeway/Chakotay group, you weren't necessarily with your friends or people you knew. Certainly for me, my first mailing group was JetC22, and I just signed up and was allocated to this particular group. And there were some people there that I liked very much, and there were some people there that I really, really disliked. And--

Anika: Right.

Liz: --from there that gave me a foundation to go to the people I did like, "Hey, let's start our own group with hookers and booze."

Anika: Right. It's amazing and crazy to think, "Oh, we could just all have a conversation in one room and discuss it all." And that was cool.

Liz: I'm sort of glad that we don't have to go back to those days, but at the same time, like, I like to think that these ladies would look at my fic and go, "Oh, yeah, she's totally feminist by the standards of 1976."

Because the essay starts off, "Feminism in much of Treklit can be regarded as non-existent, particularly in GRUP type stories." And GRUP was an adult content zine which took its name from the slang for grown ups in the TOS episode "Miri. And I'm like, I can't think of a worse thing to name your smut zine.

Anika: I know! That's so, so bad. I'm turned off immediately, but that's just me here in 2021.

Liz: Right. And it's interesting that they're complaining here that the smut fic was very much generic, which I think is still a complaint these days. Sometimes you read a fic and you're like, "I don't think that really taught me anything new about the characters, I have no insight into how this author feels about them, save that she's sort of mashing her action figures together." Which is not a bad thing, but it's not what I enjoy in fic

Anika: Right, it's definitely not what I enjoy in fic. I think that my interests are very well known at this point, and it's pretty much never sex.

Liz: No.

Anika: So. Oh, well!

Liz: It goes on to say, "Some stories are anti-feminist in that women are segregated out of them. Action is all concerned with the male characters. And the implication is that women are not liable to participate in such matters." I like to think that fandom has moved on.

Anika: Well...

Liz: Yeah.

Anika: Yes. Yes, fandom has moved on, but has society?

Liz: Well, no. I think what's notable here is that they're not specifically talking about slash fic, they're probably talking about, I guess what in the X-Files fandom was called case files or casefics, where it's basically, "I'm writing a Star Trek episode, but in prose format." And they're sort of reflecting The Original Series in that it is very dudely.

Anika: Yeah, absolutely.

Liz: You know, we say, "Oh, fandom is so subversive, fic is about reclaiming the narrative." But honestly, some people write fic because they like the narrative and they want more of it. And there's nothing inherently wrong with that, but if you're not applying a critical eye to your source then maybe you're reproducing its problems.

Anika: Hmm, it's interesting. I mean, I just said I, I have very specific likes and dislikes. And there's a lot of stuff like -- casefic, I don't really need, because I can watch the show for that. But curtain fic, which is, like --

Liz: The domestic...

Anika: -- the characters just, like washing the dishes or arguing about Netflix, like that. I eat it up. That's my favorite thing. There's no saving the world, there's just, "We saved the world, and now we're going home to relax and, and decompress--"

Liz: Yes.

Anika: "-- and do whatever we want to do." Like, those are the fics that I like.

Liz: And "what happens after you save the world?" is a good story.

Anika: It's not subversive, but it is something that's not in the fiction as it stands.

Liz: I think it is subversive in a small way, because you're adding the domesticity which has been excluded from the primary narrative, and in doing so, highlighting that it, too, has value.

Anika: It definitely has value.

Liz: I really like casefic that's character-driven, that's about the people. And I used to have that itch scratched by tie-in fiction, and it doesn't so much anymore -- Una McCormack, thank God, she exists. But, yeah, it's not really something we see so much now that tie-in fiction exists.

And also, I think there's a stronger impetus to file serial numbers off and turn a fic into an original work. And if you're going into all the effort of writing a plot anyway, just throw in that little bit more effort and make it original. I feel like there's less need for casefic.

Anika: Yeah, I agree. But I don't search it out, so maybe it's there, and I just don't read it.

Liz: Yeah, possibly. I have this idea for a Lorca/Cornwell casefic, where they're in their thirties, and they have to go undercover as a married couple on, like, a human settlement that's outside of the Federation. And the reason I haven't started writing it is that I'm like, well, it's not very shippy, so where's where's the hook?

Anika: "Right. So why am I doing it?"

Liz: Yeah!

Anika: I get that.

Liz: The essay goes on, "Other fics concern women, but in a very negative light," and they go on to discuss two fics in particular. One has the rather spectacular title of "Murder, Rape and Other Unsocial Acts". And it's -- I looked it up, it has a Fanlore page of its own. -- it's about a Klingon family, and there's a lot of comedy rape because it's the '70s. And ... yeah, it seems like something that would not really fly these days, and obviously, it was subject to criticism at the time.

And the other fic is titled "An Abortive Attempt", in which a human gynecologist is effectively extradited to Vulcan to face charges for performing an abortion on a Vulcan woman.

Anika: Amazing!

Liz: This is such a specifically 1970s concept. And I have to disagree that this is not a feminist story. This, to me, is a wildly feminist story. Just because something bad happens to a woman -- I'm guessing that this -- I couldn't find it online, but I'm assuming that this is not actually pro-life propaganda, and therefore it is a feminist story, defending choice. I guess? Probably?

Anika: I guess. It's amazing that -- just thinking about, you know, what do Vulcans think about abortion is like -- oh, my goodness! What a great thing.

Liz: Because we would go, "Well, obviously reproductive rights and controlling fertility down to the micro level is very logical." Pardon me, I'm losing my voice. We would think that extreme reproductive rights and micromanaging fertility is very logical.

But then you think, "Well, they've got these arranged marriages, and it's really hard to get a divorce, and Spock is actually quite sexist in The Original Series." He's sort of the logic over feelings guy, as opposed to feminist Jim Kirk, who's like, "But feelings, Spock! They have their place. Women! They're so beautiful!" So, for the '70s, it's a logical extrapolation of Vulcan culture

Anika: Of pro-life Vulcans?

Liz: I guess?

Anika: I mean, yeah, I get it, I get it, but it's also -- I can't imagine it would happen very often on Vulcan, just because they know their cycles so well -- that sounds so weird. And so, if something came up, I feel like there would be a logical reason for it to be needed. I don't know. I just I feel like you could use logic to come up with [a reason] why you should have an abortion easier than why you shouldn't.

Liz: No, I agree. Like, I kind of perceive the Star Trek universe as being a lot like Lois McMaster Bujold's future, where we just control fertility so well and we have extra-uterine gestation anyway, so unwanted pregnancies aren't really an issue for people very often?

Anika: We can only hope.

Liz: It's a nice idea. But it's just interesting to me that this fic is such a reflection of the time in which it's written. And in twenty years, will people be looking back -- on their podcast that's broadcast straight into people's brains -- and going, "Wow, there were a lot of fics about gay marriage back then. Gosh, that's such a product of its time."

Anika: Oh, my goodness. I mean, again, we can only hope.

Liz: Yeah.

Anika: I would love for our progressive future to actually be progressive.

Liz: Yes, yes! I would love to do a thesis on something or something about tracking social progress through issues in fan fiction and depictions in fan fiction. One day, when I have time to do a PhD, and can also go to Iowa to go through their zine archive.

Anika: Cool.

Liz: Then we get to the discussion of specifically anti-feminist stories. And here they discuss a fic called "How About a Raffle?" in which -- it's a Kirk/Uhura fic, and Kirk accidentally sells Uhura into slavery.

Anika: Yikes. I don't think that just happens. Like I was gonna say it happens, but no. No, that's not not true. It doesn't just happen.

Liz: They're dealing with some Orions, and Uhura enters a dance contest, but it turns out that the winner is, like, the top slave or something.

Anika: Oh my God.

Liz: It's still racist.

Anika: I like the attempt to world build for the Orions

Liz: Don't get carried away. Mary Louise Dodge, the author, quote, "Rose and astonished the floor by stating that they were anti-feminist, and anyway, the Orion dancers were only humanoid, not human or intelligent."

Anika: Big yikes!

Liz: Big yikes indeed!

Anika: That is straight up from, you know, stories about masters--

Liz: Straight up slavery?

Anika: Yeah. Like, you know, and, yeah, bad. Bad. Don't ever go there ever. [laughs] I don't want to be an anti...

Liz: Well, it's interesting! I looked up Mary Louise Dodge, and she was involved in fandom for a really long time. She was on the Welcommittee, she ran the mailroom, she organized cons. She wrote a lot of fic. And I feel like we would have crossed paths, had I been in fandom at the time, because she was very much a het writer. And she wrote a lot of Kirk/Uhura, which I probably would have shipped back then.

And she was very vocally anti-slash and anti-porn. I've actually put a note here, that I guess you could call her fandom's first anti. After one con, she wrote a famous letter to a bunch of zines, complaining that there was smut -- smutty zines and smutty art openly displayed on the floor and in the art show. And, you know, "why can't we get back to the good wholesome values of the 1960s?"

Anika: Yay for concern trolling having a deep history.

Liz: You know, I do think smut should be opt-in. And certainly, she is the person responsible for, like, age statements in zines and stuff. And there were a lot of things in fan culture at the time that wouldn't be acceptable today, like dressing up as Spock and Kirk's erect penises. Can you imagine going to, like, Comic Con in that costume?

Anika: And seeing that?

Liz: Yeah, yeah. But at the same time, like, she's not talking about consent, she's talking about -- she just hates smut and hates slash, and is quite deeply homophobic.

Anika: Right.

Liz: And doesn't apologize, which I enjoy, but I've sort of started thinking of her as the Phyllis Schlafly of fandom.

Anika: You're Wrong About, the podcast, just did a deep dive into Tipper Gore versus, you know, like heavy metal, basically,

Liz: It's sitting in my podcast feed, but the Reply All expose on Bon Appetit came up and took precedence.

Anika: I understand your priorities. But it really reminds me of all this stuff. Not just what we're talking about here with Mary Louise, but also with the whole anti culture now.

Liz: Yeah.

Anika: And even in academia, the idea that should you put a content warning or not on your syllabus? And there is a difference between opting in, like, having it having it be clear what something is, versus censorship.

Liz: Yes!

Anika: And it's like, we've been talking about this for fifty years, and we still haven't figured that out. And it's just really interesting.

And the issue is that if you look at what Mary Louise has problems with, versus what Tipper Gore has problems with, versus what the whole anti-Reylo crowd have problems with, it's like the bar shifts, but what it comes down to is, "I don't like this, and therefore, it shouldn't be a part of society."

Liz: Yeah, as opposed to, "I don't like this, therefore, I don't want to see it."

Anika: Right. Which is the whole argument for, you know, using tags.

Liz: Yeah.

Anika: And using databases and having the little sticker that says explicit lyrics. It's not hurting anyone. But if there was like -- they wanted the occult stickers, and it's like, guys, you can't just go around saying, you know, "This is the occult." There are certain things that are subjective, and you can't decide to have a label that has that level of subjectivity.

Liz: Yeah. Yeah.

Anika: That's a slippery slope towards, you know, "Oh, now we're gonna have Muslim stickers, or we're gonna have Jewish stickers." You know, it gets really bad really quickly.

Liz: And there are certainly parts of America where Catholicism would get an occult sticker.

Anika: Exactly. So it's just really -- there are levels. And this is a conversation that, like I said, we've been having for a long time, and I think we're going to continue having for a long time.

Liz: I think it's good that we keep having this conversation, because the context is always changing. And we need to keep examining it.

Anika: As much as we were talking about the Lorca and Michael slave fic, that I'm not going to read and I'm not going to encourage in any way. But I also am not going to say she can't write it or post it. I just want to opt out.

And the same with Mary Louise and her "Let's accidentally sell Uhura into slavery." Like, that's nothing I ever want to read, and I'm kind of upset hearing about it. But okay, you're, you're allowed to do that. I don't want to read it. And I want to know that it's gonna happen so that I don't have to read it.

Liz: And, you know, the problem with AO3 is that there is no way to block this author, or to stop this fic from appearing in every single tag that the author applies. And I think particularly blocking someone is an option that they really need. When you look at zines, it's much, much harder to avoid -- unless you only subscribe to zines whose editors won't publish Mary Louise Dodge. And I'm sure that there were some, she seems to have been incredibly polarizing. But what if you want, you know, Nice Hetfic Zine issue three, and it has five great stories and one Mary Louise Dodge?

Anika: Right, exactly. The reason that we keep talking about it is there's no easy answer. There's just compromises. And it's hard. It's a thorny question.

Liz: And for the record, I would have subscribed to Nice Hetfic Zine issue three. And then I would have written a snarky letter to its letter column complaining about Mary Louise Dodge and her terrible fic, because that was acceptable at the time.

Anika: Exactly. That's the other thing. It's so interesting.

Liz: Yeah!

Anika: It's so interesting. And then, you know, comments on AO3 are like I would say at least eighty percent positive.

Liz: Yeah. And I think that's because comments are for the author. Whereas this is a review culture rather than a feedback culture.

Anika: Oooh, that's good.

Liz: So the discussion is less -- it's more readers talking to readers, than readers talking to writers.

Anika: Yes. That's another thing that I kind of wish we still had, fanfic treated as -- like, I would love to read some reviews or a deep dive into one author's recurring themes, or something like that. I would be super into it. I understand that people wouldn't like it -- the authors. But I would love it. And honestly, I wouldn't mind if people did it for me.

Liz: I was just going to say, the themes of domesticity -- and you write a lot of baby fic, but it's not because [you're going], "Oh, babies are so cute. I love children!" I'm sure you do, babies are cute. But it's about, "What do we, as flawed parents, pass on to our children? And how do we make them better than -- how do we make their lives better than what we've had?" And this seems to recur in all of your fics that I've read in any fandom.

Anika: So strange that I'm obsessed with the relationship between parents and children and their parents! Mm, so strange. And trauma. I know the things that I focus on. I focus on adoption, I focus on identity. I focus on sibling relationships. Like, these are things that are -- I think I've said before that everything I write is actually about me. I don't have to put a Mary Sue in anything, a nd I don't have very many original characters. But I one hundred percent give Katrina Cornwell my own backstory.

Liz: Right. And I've seen that in your fic. She -- often in your fics, she has lost a parent at a young age, and is dealing with that even into adulthood. But it doesn't feel like, oh, yeah, that's just Anika putting her own thing on Kat. It feels like exploring.

Anika: Yeah. Yeah, at least that's my intention. But yeah, so I would love to be even a part of like, a book club, or something where we meet each other and talk about it. Like, I think that would be so fun. And I'm sort of sad that that culture doesn't exist anymore.

Liz: It's sort of like how bookmarks on AO3 are for readers rather than writers. And sometimes, like, there's a piece of feedback that was attached -- it wasn't feedback, it was just a note attached to a bookmark of one of my fics that said, "really good handling of disability." And I was like, "This is the greatest feedback I have ever not really received."

But the other thing is, quite a few years ago, in Doctor Who fandom, I created a sock puppet and started reviewing the fics that were nominated for an award. It started out as a very mean, bitchy sort of thing to do, because I thought that the fics being nominated were not award-worthy -- note my own fics were nominated. So I was not a neutral observer.

But I wound up finding like it was a really interesting way of reading outside of my usual field and going, "Okay, well, this is a Ten/Rose fic, and I don't ship that. And this fic is almost entirely made up of things that don't resonate with me at all, and now I understand why I don't read this fit this sort of in this genre. But this is actually a really good fic, and I think that if you were a Ten/Rose shipper, you would really like it."

And then, you know, one of my so called friends revealed my identity on an anon meme, and there was wank, and people still think I'm one of the worst people in Doctor Who fandom which, yeah, it was a whole thing. I don't recommend doing this. It was not great. But in terms of reviewing fics as pieces of literature, it was a really interesting experience. And I actually had people say, "Hey, will you review my fic?"

Anika: I don't use beta readers very often, because I have a very particular way of writing, and I like my style, and I don't want to change it. So I don't give it to people and say, "Does this make sense? Did I forget something? You know, is this good?" I just don't need someone to tell me that before it's published.

Liz: Yep.

Anika: But once it's published, I would love someone to read it and critique it. I don't know why.

Liz: You are flying without a wire!

Anika: I just don't want to change it while I'm writing it. But I would love to know what people think of it after the fact.

Liz: That's -- that's very interesting!

And I do use a beta reader -- hi, I know you're listening -- because I have this problem where I don't close quotation marks, and she's very good at finding stuff like that. And she also knows when to tell me that I'm disappearing up my own butt, and when I am doing something really cool that she's enjoying, and I appreciate that. I appreciate you a lot.

Back to the essay, Jean Lorrah replied that it was not the treatment of the Orion women that was irritating, but Kirk's condescending good old boy attitude, "the cute little girl is drunk," and that that attitude coming from the female characters was unfortunately common in Trek literature. "Do my thinking for me."

Anika: Yeah.

Liz: They sort of move on to original characters. And apparently there was a trend of pairing off McCoy with a sweet, innocent eighteen-year-old girls.

Anika: Again, I don't want to be an anti. But why? What is that about?

Liz: Yeah, it's not the sort of thing that I find appealing.

Anika: My note here is just "yikes". I mean, doesn't McCoy have an eighteen-year-old daughter?

Liz: Yes. And according to Mary Louise, there was a lot of fic where he slept with his daughter. And I know--

Anika: No, no.

Liz: But because I don't fully trust Mary Louise is a source, I'm like, is that one fic she saw and it was an outlier and probably written to shock, like the notorious Draco/Lucius skullfucking fic, or was it an actual trend? And I'm pretty sure I really--

Anika: I'm disturbed. But I'm also like, wow, what was going on? What was that about? I'm very curious. I mean, I guess because McCoy is the oldest, and is the most paternal, but he's also the most, like, I don't want to say feminine, but, like, feminine.

Liz: He's a very caring person.

Anika: And so it's interesting. It's very interesting, you know, and I could definitely imagine being an eighteen-year-old girl, and deciding that I wanted to date, McCoy. Or like, I could imagine, of all of the people in Star Trek, he would be the best relationship, I can sort of see it going that way, and ending up with this crazy fic. But if it was a trend ... I'm just so interested. It's so weird.

Liz: And the thing is, these weren't eighteen-year-old girls generally writing these fics, these were, like housewives?

Anika: Yeah, housewives.

Liz: Yeah, adult women.

Anika: It's like the whole "Twilight is read by teenage girls and their mothers" thing.

Liz: Yes.

Anika: This is what it sounds like. To me.

Liz: This is not to disparage either housewives or mothers who read Twilight, because I feel like housewives, stereotypically, and middle aged women are as dismissed as teenage girls. But it's just interesting.

Anika: And they don't make anybody any money.

Liz: There's a very nice remark here. "Some of the reasons for badly drawn female characters is simply bad writing, and male characters are just as unrealistic, but this can improve." And then they talk about a specific series again, it looks like a series, like, pairing Sarek with a lady named Lorna. So Sarek gets his own Mary Sue.

Anika: I have to go off on a tangent on this because Lorna is a very specific name. It's pretty old fashioned at this point, like now, but my last name, Dane, is taken from Lorna Dane, who was an X Men character created in 1968. She was introduced in 1968, but then she joined the team in the late '70s. So Lorna Dane is Polaris, and she is Magneto's daughter, at least seventy-five percent of the time.

Liz: Right. His kids seem to have fluctuating identities.

Anika: And she's my favorite X Men, X Men, X Woman, whatever. X. My favorite X. So when I was published in a book of comic book essays, I was published under the name Anika Dane Milik. And so when I got divorced, and I changed my name, I just went to Dane.

Liz: That makes sense. Yes.

Anika: But it's like, it's Lorna, it's Lorna Dane, that's who it is. And this idea that this character that was created in the mid to late '70s, as Sarek's wife after Amanda died, I'm like, so, Sarek is now a part of my identity. And I am really excited about that! And apparently, Lorna's last name is Mitchell, so it's like Gary Mitchell's daughter, Lorna. But she's from the past. Everything about it is amazing. Everything about this, I had to look it up, and I'm so excited by the whole idea.

Liz: This sounds fantastic.

Anika: I love it. I love it, and now I get to be, in some universes, married to Sarek.

Liz: I am deeply sorry for you.

Then they go on to remark that from Lorna in one fic to Lorna in another, "there has been a vast elevation of consciousness". And it's like, as I read that, like my clothes turned into flares and my hair centre-parted... just peak '77

Anika: Yeah, you started hearing … what's that song from Hair.

Liz: Oh, I was dreaming about Hair last night.

Anika: It was like in my head. But, you know, the morning song.

Liz: Yeah, yeah.

Anika: "In the... nah, nah, nah." That song. Anyway, you start hearing that song, I start hearing that song, just can't remember the lyrics.

And that sentence is also so supremely Lorna Dane. The reason that I love Lorna Dane so much is that she's completely different every single time you meet her. She has all of these like, weird relationships with her parents, both Magneto and then her adoptive parents. Her relationships are all crazy. And she never feels good enough, and she's an only child, and all she ever wants is siblings. And she's -- there's so much. And it's literally crazy. I mean, everything in the X Men is crazy. But she is, by far, one of the most -- like just the fact that every other story she's either Magneto's daughter or not is enough.

Liz: Honestly, I'm getting very powerful Wanda Maximoff vibes from this?

Anika: Oh, yeah, exactly.

Liz: I find it interesting that Magneto's daughters tend to be sort of very fluid, dynamic characters whose personalities and backstories are always changing.

Anika: And going back to something we were just discussing in this essay, there's this sort of idea that Magneto can be super powerful, and be able to destroy the planet at a whim, and he is very serious and sad, and we have a lot of respect for him even if we don't agree with him.

Whereas Wanda and Lorna have the same amount of power and can destroy things, and they are crazy. And they need to be, have to be--

Liz: They're unstable and they need to be stopped.

Anika: --locked up, and are a danger to themselves and others. And it's like, okay, so Magneto definitely tried to take over the world four times, but he's not a danger to himself or others? You created an entire prison for him that no one else would ever need, yet he's not considered crazy or unstable or dangerous the way that Wanda and Lorna are.

Liz: Yeah.

Anika: That's a thing.

Liz: The next note in this essay is that a common theme in feminist Treklit is responsibility, and stories about women being given responsibility and handling it properly, or needing to learn responsibility and doing so.

My note here was, "Are women people?" but it turns out that this is a story that the comics and superhero genre, at least, is still grappling with, and I think WandaVision is doing it in a really interesting way. And Wanda's allies are Monica and what's her face? Darcy.

Anika: Darcy

Liz: Yeah. And Jimmy Wu, and to a lesser extent right now, Vision. But these, with one exception, are not white people -- sorry, not white men. And--

Anika: And Vision is played by a white man but I don't -- like he's one of those on the line kind of people.

Liz: Yeah, I'm just -- Paul Bettany...

Anika: He is a white man but he's also not, in the context of the story.

Liz: My feelings about Paul Bettany are very complicated for Johnny Depp reasons. So I'm lukewarm on wanting to see him, ever. But his performance is great, and all. And I just think it's depressing that this [storyline] is still something that media struggles with.

Anika: And it one hundred percent is. It's something that -- I mean, look at Rey.

Liz: Yes. So--

Anika: That's gonna be my answer to everything. Yeah, women are not people is generally the key. Women are vessels that we can put ideas onto, I guess, is the way it goes.

Liz: Yeah. And then the other issue they discuss is issues that are of specific concern to women, or of special concern to women, rather, and they talk about a fic where, quote, "a rape case threatens to obscure the issue of a female officer's rights by triggering an overprotective reaction".

Which, again, going by TOS alone, seems like a pretty valid basis for a fic -- look at look at all those episodes where Janice Rand is attacked, and the only people she has to go to about it are Kirk, Spock and McCoy. Even if it was Kirk's evil double that attacked her.

Anika: It's just bad.

Liz: It's -- yeah.

Anika: Again, I'm really interested in this idea that they wrote -- they were writing stories about rape, and not -- I mean, I haven't read the story, but it doesn't seem like it was sensationalizing rape. It seems like it was, "Hey, this is a thing that happened in canon that didn't get the treatment that I want. And so let's talk about that."

Liz: Yes. "And let's talk about how, not not the rape itself, but the reaction afterwards impedes justice, and recovery." That's super interesting, and still contemporary!

Anika: And still contemporary.

Liz:   And then they talk about Mary Sue, and, you know, everyone on the Enterprise is extraordinary. But if you create a woman who is extraordinary, then she's a Mary Sue. And they debate, you know, do you write a male character and then make it female? Or do you try and create a three dimensional woman? 

And I still see these discussions now, and I'm like, whatever gets you to a good character is a valid technique.

Anika:   A couple of things really jumped out at me. One was "showed some problems Spock could have if he had been female, as well as first officer."

Liz:   Yeah!

Anika:   I'm very picky about gender swap fic. Because it can be done so poorly, so easily.

Liz:   Yes.

Anika:   But that's a really interesting question. If everything was the same, except Spock was a woman, what would that mean? I'm interested in that. And if it was done well, then it could be a really amazing story.

Liz:   Right?

Anika:   So I love that they're bringing these questions up. And then another one was, "when one writes a female officer onto the ship, and part of this usually lies with her occupation: what does she do? Why is she on the ship, and what is her function when she is sent down to the planet?" 

And I'm just like, uh, I'm pretty sure you'd have to ask those questions about any original character that you made up?

Liz:   Yeah. Men can have jobs too!

Anika:   And so what it comes down to is that -- it goes back to the earlier comment about how there weren't women in the show, and the women that were in the show didn't get to do what the men did, that Uhura got to take command once, ever.

Liz:   Yes.

Anika:   And it was too late, basically.

Liz:   And it was in the animated series. Which to an extent--

Anika:   Which, who even watched?

Liz:   Yeah, I don't want to say it doesn't count. But it's only just now being treated as a serious and valid part of the Star Trek universe. Aside from "Yesteryear".

Anika:   So really, it's really interesting that they were sort of asking these questions seriously, amongst themselves, you know, and treating it with any kind of gravity, 'cos (a) I think the answer is obvious.

Liz:   Yes.

Anika:   And (b), we shouldn't have to answer this. What it's just the whole thing of "let's create a male character and, and write it as a man and then switch it at the end." Like, yeah, sure. And if you're not going to do that, which is fine, because gender does have an impact -- or you know, can, I should say can have an impact -- it's okay for someone's gender to have a meaning to them. But you shouldn't have an emotional and intellectual quandary about why this woman is on this ship.

Liz:   If you wouldn't have that same quandary for a male character, why are you having it for this lady?

Anika:   Right! They belong on the ship. That's my answer.

Liz:   She's on the ship because that's her job. It's where Starfleet told her to be, the end.

Anika:   Finally, the one that really, you know, just made me smile. "One dead giveaway of a Mary Sue is when everyone on the ship loves her except Kirk." That is my favorite fun fact that I've never heard before.

Liz:   No, me neither. I've seen Mary Sues where Kirk loves her and Spock doesn't. And I've seen all sorts of Mary Sues, and they're all great.

Anika:   It was just amazing. I I loved that idea. The idea that people are reading a story, and all of a sudden Kirk doesn't like someone, and they're like, "Mary Sue!" And that's it, that character is tainted and you can't see that character as anything other than a Mary Sue. It's just crazy. But amazing. And I'm not saying that it's not true. I just think it's hilarious.

Liz:   I don't think it's a data point that became universal. Like you don't see this in Star Trek Mary Sue litmus tests. Remember litmus tests? Wow. Speaking of fandom history!

Anika:   They were like 80 questions long.

Liz:   I know!

Anika:   And you had to put it in, and then it would tell you if your original character was a Mary Sue or not. And I will tell you, I don't write a lot of original characters, like I said, I never put in any original characters. But I constantly put in my version of canon characters. And the thing is that more than fifty percent of my answers were canon. I wasn't making things up about these people.I was reading the canon, when I was answering the question as my interpretation of the character that I saw on screen.

Liz:   No, this makes perfect sense to me because -- I think it's Seanan McGuire who had an essay on LiveJournal, pointing out that "Mary Sue" is just another word for protagonist.

Anika:   Exactly. So usually I would get, "You are close to the line of crossing over into Mary Sue-dom and you should take away at least one flaw," or, you know, something like that. It's just like, okay!

Liz:   Whatevs!

Anika:   I will tell Gene Roddenberry?

Liz:   Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry, I need to summon the ghost of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle to tell him that Sherlock Holmes is a Mary Sue.

Anika:   You know who's a real Mary Sue? Watson.

Liz:   Yes!

Anika:   One hundred percent a Mary Sue.

Liz:   I feel like Holmes is the idealized Mary Sue and Watson is the self insert Mary Sue.

Anika:   Mm, I can see that.

Liz:   "The panel then fled from Mary Sue stories."

Anika:   As did we all.

Liz:   And they talk about how it's difficult to create a good female character, because there aren't many templates to draw from in Star Trek. And--

Anika:   Like I said.

Liz:   Yeah. "There are plenty of strong masculine characters to work from, but very few women."

Anika:   And that's the thing. Again, here in 2021, every woman in Star Trek has been called a Mary Sue at least once.

Liz:   And honestly, most of [the women in TOS] are pretty interesting. Like, they're not necessarily strong people. But generally, they're more complex than we give credit for.

Anika:   Right. So it's --first of all, just stop talking about Mary Sues and let it go. That's that's my take number one. And take number two, just because a woman is a woman and a new character in an old fandom does not mean that they are a Mary Sue automatically.

Liz:   Yeah. 

Then they talk about -- it's sort of a digression, which obviously we're familiar with  here. "Most blonde women were dependent and ineffectual, well, brunettes were usually forceful, and control their own destinies." And they give the example of Majel Barrett, who goes from Number One to Chapel. 

I had never thought of this, and I think overall, as a pattern, it holds for The Original Series. But I also think that there were, you know, existing stereotypes about blondes versus brunettes.

Anika:   Yeah, I don't think that Star Trek--

Liz:   No.

Anika:   I don't think Star Trek created that idea.

Liz:   No, you know, [in] Marilyn Monroe movies, she always has a brunette offsider, who's a lot smarter and more together than she is.

Anika:   So strange, it's like, blondes are more beautiful and have more fun, and people are more interested in them. But the brunettes are the smart ones. And the ones with depth. That is just -- like, this is weird, okay?

Liz:   Unless you get the sort of Hitchcock blonde who is terribly intelligent, but also cold and damaged. And that's Seven of Nine.

Anika:   Yes.

Liz:   But it's also interesting that they cite Chapel, because the whole reason that I wanted to do an episode on zines is that I have a paper copy of issue 25 of T-negative, which has a wonderful essay about Christine Chapel, basically saying, everyone writes her off as a dumb blonde with no agency who's only in love with Kirk. [Obviously I meant Spock, don't @ me…] And actually she is a really, really interesting character. And then the author goes on to discuss Christine in both canon and in fiction. 

It was a wonderful essay, and I was going to cite it -- we talked about doing a Chapel episode, but Women at Warp had just done one. Justice for Christine Chapel, who's not even a character I really care about. But this essay made me want to.

Anika:   Right, that's my take on a lot -- you know, there's the characters that I really, really, really care about, and everybody who listens to this podcast could name them. And then there's all the other women characters who -- like, I will meet you in an alley and punch you--

Liz:   Right?

Anika:   --to protect them, I will one hundred percent go to battle for every woman on Star Trek.

Liz:   Yes. Even the ones I don't like

Anika:   Because all of the arguments against them are sexist. That's where I'm at.

Liz:   One day, I'm going to present the argument that Lwaxana Troi is narcissistic, and not necessarily fully abusive to Deanna, but she is not good to Deanna. And that's the only argument that I will accept against Lwaxana.

Anika:   And the difference is that that is a critique of Lwaxana as a person, which is totally fair.

Liz:   It's not just "she's middle aged and thinks she's sexy."

Anika:   Right, we shouldn't put women on a pedestal, either. But the critiques aren't critiques, they're just, "I don't like" -- again, it's, "I don't like this, and I'm going to write them off." I just watched Star Trek 2009.

Liz:   You did!

Anika:   And I am so ready to go to battle for Uhura. Like, it's upsetting to me. I've seen that movie many times now. You know, like a dozen, let's say, -- I don't know.

Liz:   I've seen it twice!

Anika:   And I can just hear all the negative comments as I'm watching the show. Like, I'm sitting here and I'm watching the movie, and I just hear all this chatter. You know, Uhura is telling Spock to put her on the Enterprise, and there's eight hundred voices in my head saying how she's a nagging girlfriend. And I just like, "No, no, she is not!" She is standing up for herself the way that any person should, and the fact -- their relationship is a wrinkle to it. It is not the reason for it. And if Kirk did exactly the same thing, people would be applauding him.

Liz:   Yes, yes.

Anika:   So I can't. As I was watching the movie, every single thing that Uhura did, I imagined Kirk doing it, and having all of the people like you know, saying "Oh, he was the best version of Kirk." I was just like, ugh! And I know I'm saying that as someone who thinks that Chris Pine is the best version of Kirk...

Liz:   You know, there are credible rumours that Strange New Worlds is going to feature a young Uhura. There's a casting call for a young African American woman to play a comms officer, whose name in the casting call is African, just as Uhura is based on the Swahili. 

And I see people going, "Oh, good, Strange New Worlds is going to fix Uhura, they're going to do her properly." And I'm like, no, they're just going to do her differently. Peck!Spock is not better than Quinto!Spock. They're just different interpretations of Nimoy!Spock.

Anika:   Mm hmm.

Liz:   Anyway.

Anika:   Yeah, so sorry, tangent, but I just get super defensive of these women characters because people are against them for really silly reasons.

Liz:   Moving on, we hit a marvelous piece of fake news. "Another problem with female characters is that feminism can become too much an issue."

Anika:   Oh, dear. I love this because literally like two paragraphs before that, they're saying that feminism is the reason like -- that the lack of female characters is the reason that it's hard to write female characters. It's like, guess what, guys, you're being feminist in that argument. And so now, these women are saying that there's too much feminism in my Star Trek, and I -- again, I'm pretty defensive.

Liz:   They cite this amazing sounding fic when Number One is now -- it says in this recap, she is now an alien ambassador. But according to the Fanlore page for the fic itself, she is the captain of the USS Hood. And any Friends of DeSoto can just take a moment to say, "Best boss I ever had." 

She sits down with a Romulan commander and they both, quote, "bitch interminably about being trodden on by the men in their lives, losing the plot amongst the complaints." 

And like, maybe the fic is sort of hijacked by this, and the story it promised to tell is not the story that eventually came out. I just really, really want to read this fic.

Anika:   I really want to read it too. And that's what I'm saying, that is the kind of stuff that I love to read and write in fic, which has absolutely nothing to do with the plot, but is all about their feelings and their lives and their interpretation of what's going on.

Liz:   And I just love the idea of Number One and a Romulan, comparing notes. I'm just saying, the Romulans had women in command before the Federation.

Anika:   Yeah. I ship it.

Liz:   And they note that the theme of women cooperating with women is a good one, and just beginning to develop. And, you know, I still get a weird warm, self-righteous glow whenever I write that in my fic, so I'm glad it's still a thing. I wish it was more of a thing. And then they move on--

Anika:   This is the best.

Liz:   --to the most important question. What about the men?

Anika:   Okay, so again, I have to tell a story about today. My most popular fanvid on YouTube is a vid about the animated women in Star Wars. So it's all animation, Rebels and Clone Wars. And that's -- actually, I made it before Resistance. So that's it, Rebels and Clone Wars. And this one is what I'm one of, if not my best -- and it's my most popular, right? And it's ages old now. Like I said, pre the last season of Rebels. 

And I still get comments all the time, because, again, it's the one that shows up in the algorithm or whatever. And today I got this amazing comment that was just one question. Four words. "What about man person?"

Liz:   Man person!

Anika:   Man person! And I just started laughing and laughing. I was like, Okay, I'm designing a T-shirt that just says, "What about man person?" and I'm buying one for all of my friends, because that is an amazing comment.

Liz:   I think that we need to release stickers on RedBubble that say, "What about man person?"

Anika:   "What about man person?" Like, that -- it was just so good. That's how I ended up with "social justice Klingon warrior" in my Twitter bio, because somebody accused me of being a social justice warrior for Klingons, and I was like, yup, yes I am. 

Liz:   Well, we've found this episode's title.

[I realise that Anika specifies that it's four words, and then I used three in the title, but, ummmmm, anyway, changing these things post-release is a pain.]

Anika:   What about man person?

Liz:   What about man person?

Anika:   Like, okay, dude, this video is literally a celebration of women. That's, that's the title. That's what it says, Star Wars: Women. I made one for Star Trek, too: Star Trek: Women.

Liz:   But, Anika, what about man person?

Anika:   Go watch Star Trek! Go watch, literally the entire original trilogy and most of the rest. And you can find all the man person you want.

Liz:   So the discussion here, what about man person? Why aren't men writing Trek fic? "There are many males in Trek, why aren't they writing? One suggestion was that men can't take criticism very well. And women are used to it."

Anika:   I mean, every answer that they come up with is actually kind of great.

Liz:   It is! But I'm like, people call us misandrists, and look at this! 

"Criticism is a good tool. The Star Trek world would seem to appeal to males. One expects Marty Sues but gets Mary Sues. But many male Trekfen don't want to write about it, instead want to be in it." 

And I think this is really interesting, because if you look at the fanworks which are dominated by men at the writing and production level, it's fan films. And there's the perennial post on the Star Trek subreddit, "Hey, I just wrote a Star Trek novel, how do I get it published?" And they never want my AO3 invite.

Anika:   Yeah! I mean, I think that this is actually a really amazing insight that is absolutely true. Like, in, in all fandom--

Liz:   Yeah. And I think--

Anika:   --men--

Liz:   Go on.

Anika:   Do that. Like women -- I think we've discussed before how there's the transformative versus, like, critical or or--

Liz:   Collecting?

Anika:   Collector, yeah. Yeah. And, again, we just said there aren't enough women doing stuff in Star Trek in 1977. And so they were, they were saying, "Hey, I'm going to create a woman character who does something." And whereas the men are like, "I'm going to, you know, make a movie where I play Captain Kirk."

Liz:   Yeah.

Anika:   And somehow, they don't see that as fanfic?

[Note from Liz: it's not that there's anything wrong with that approach! I just find it weird how things like Star Trek Continues are treated as semi-canonical, whereas fic mostly … is not.]

[Oh no, do we need to start doing eps on fic the way other podcasts do eps on fan films?]

Liz:   No, no. A few years ago, pre pandemic, I saw the play Puffs, which is essentially a Gary Stu fic in the form of a play. And it's a professional piece of theatre! You can see it on Broadway Online or something, and I highly recommend it. It was a good evening. I have very mixed feelings about Harry Potter these days, but it was a lot of fun. 

But it struck me that "the ordinary kid gets his Hogwarts letter and goes to Hogwarts and is on the periphery of the events of Harry's school years" is a fic that I have seen many, many times. And the difference is--

Anika:   So many times.

Liz:   The difference is like those fics were mostly written by women. And this guy was like, "Oh, yeah, that's a valid idea. I'm going to write a play, and I am going to make it enough of a parody that it is a professional endeavor." And it's just interesting that men are more--

Anika:   Willing to do that.

Liz:   Yeah! And I think it's -- I love fan fiction, and I love that we have this community of amateur writers who love something, but do we, as the women and marginalized people of fandom, need to be more open to also being professionals? Or does something get lost in that?

Anika:   Yeah. It's a really good question because I am very much of the opinion that if all you want to do is write fan fiction, more power to you.

Liz:   Absolutely.

Anika:   That is absolutely valid. That is you're still a writer. You can call yourself a writer. You are a creative. You are coming up with something that someone else didn't do. Your fic is original, even if it's fanfic.

Liz:   Right, and even if it's using tropes and ideas that have been used before, unless you are literally copying and pasting from someone else's story, it is still unique.

Anika:   Right.

Liz:   They speculate that boys aren't interested in writing. "It's cute in girls and effeminate in boys in the high school years, and boys should go out and do it, not daydream." And I think there might be some level of truth in that. Or certainly, there may have been then. And, you know, toxic masculinity and all of that.

Anika:   So here's what I wrote after I copied that over into my notes, that sentence, "writing is looked upon as cute in girls, effeminate in boys". And the sentence that I wrote is, "Hey, is it possible that this nonsense is why we have so few women writing trek novels right now?"

Liz:   Ohhhhhhhhhhhh.

Anika:   Just an idea. Just a thought.

Liz:   They do go on to note, "most SF writers and men, but that that isn't Trek."

Anika:   And also, that's not true.

Liz:   Yeah. Even back then that was not true.

Anika:   Sorry. That definitely wasn't true in the '70s. There were many women writing science fiction in the '70s.

Liz:   This was the age of McCaffrey and Butler and Le Guin. And more. Those are just the ones we remember!

Anika:   Literally everything I read in the '80s was written in the '70s. So that's just wrong. 

Liz:   Joanna Russ was writing Kirk/Spock fic and also science fiction novels.

Anika:   Exactly. It's society. It's not us. It's not me and you who's keeping Una McCormack as the only woman allowed to write Star Trek right now.

Liz:   Right, right.

Anika:   Like, it's the people in charge. And the people in charge have decided that science fiction should only be written by men, and they are going to like, make that happen.

Liz:   Right? And so it's interesting that men seem to self exclude from fan fiction. I think that's less true now than it was then. But it's certainly interesting because they go on, there's a bit down here, "at least a third of Trekfen are male." [laughs] I died! 

But they speculate that "perhaps the dearth of men in zines is self perpetuating, since male writers are reluctant to submit their precious manuscripts to female criticism."

Anika:   That is true. Like, I will say, I know some male writers who have not submitted their manuscripts because they don't want to hear it. And I said a while ago that I don't have a beta reader for the same reason, so I'm not saying that they shouldn't be like that. But it is a thing.

Liz:   No, no. What struck me was that with the internet, like the gatekeepers in the editorial process disappeared for fan fiction and we see some more men now than we had then. But still not that many. And it's like it's a mystery to me.

Anika:   I don't know any.

Liz:   Writing fan fiction is great. Why would you not?

Anika:   There aren't any men in our Kat Cornwell discord. There are a couple of non binary people, but no men?

Liz:   Certainly no cis men. Is it just not a community that's appealing to cis men?

Anika:   And why? Is it because they're not paid for it and you have to like, you know, "I hunt and gather and bring everything in"? Again the patriarchy is bad for everybody. Capitalism is bad for everybody.

Liz:   There's a very strange and amusing digression here: "Cogswell and Spano ((MAY SLIME DEVILS INFEST THEIR TYPEWRITER)) were mentioned as trotting around at cons, getting opinions for Spock Mess--but again, those are pros ((SUCH AS THEY ARE))." 

And I assume that Cogswell and Spano are nicknames. I don't know what Spock Mess is. I didn't really get any useful Google results. It might be a zine. 

I was wondering if maybe they were nicknames for Harlan Ellison or Isaac Asimov or David Gerrold, who were all part of the fan community and were certainly known as people who trotted around at cons. Gerrold was deeply hated by a lot of women in fandom because he's a complete donkey, and was not able to say "I don't care for slash" without also saying, "slash is written by fat ugly housewives who need to get laid."

Anika:   Ugh. Yeah, so--

Liz:   Thanks for the tribbles, mate, you can just move along.

Anika:   Again, fine, you don't have to read the slash. But that's just "I don't like this thing...."

Liz:   If anyone out there knows who this aside refers to please, tell us because I require much gossip.

Anika:   Also, I kind of want to have an opinion on Spock Mess.

Liz:   Yeah, I would very much like to know what it is so that I can have an opinion on it.

Anika:   I'd really like to have an opinion about it. So let me know what that means.

Liz:   "It's a waste if we can get mediocre rotten and fairly good ideas from female authors, why not from male?"

Anika:   Okay, look, I don't actually need men to have a bigger footprint in fandom, because they have reality.

Liz:   It's true. It's true. But fandom was so female dominated back then, "at least a third of Trekren are male," that I understand why, in these formative years, it would have been nicer to have 50/50. 

And then it goes, "Masculine domination of straight SF was brought up again, with the observation that SF is written by and large for adolescent males." 

No, that is not true! That was not true in the 70s! 

"And that the field has been changing to human relationship or alien relationship stories, largely on account of the female writers." Who did exist! 

And I love that they discuss original SF alongside fic. "Treklit."

Anika:   Yeah, that they're basically talking about them the same way. Like, these are both forms of science fiction writing.

Liz:   Right. And like I said, Joanna Russ was writing Kirk/Spock fic. And these days, Naomi Novik is the founder of AO3, and also writing acclaimed novels, which I personally do not care for, but I don't read them and don't complain that they exist.

Anika:   Because there's a lot of stuff that I don't read and don't complain that it exists. I'll just put that out there.

Liz:   Because I'm sort of in the con organizing scene, I pay a lot of attention to like Hugos, and I nominate and I try to read as many of the nominated works as I can. And sometimes I'm like, No, no, this is a bad year for works specifically designed to appeal to me.

Anika:   I probably read more fan fiction than published science fiction. I'll be honest.

Liz:   A lot of people do.

Anika:   Partly because it's free. Partly because it's about characters I already love.

Liz:   Yeah. And it is so hard to care -- like it takes real skill to create original characters that other people care about. It's hard!

Anika:   That is true.

Liz:   It's a real skill!

Anika:   That is very true. And even when you do -- like, let's take Daenerys Targaryen--

Liz:   Alas.

Anika:   George R R Martin created her, right? Whatever. Him

Liz:   Yes. He made you care about her.

Anika:   I guarantee that I care more about Daenerys Targaryen than he does. And I also guarantee I care more about Daenerys Targaryen than DB or the other D.

Liz:   I don't know about GRRM, but I absolutely agree with you on that. You win that easily.

Anika:   So that's why I'm gonna go read fan fiction about Daenerys Targaryen instead of caring about when Winds of Winter ever comes out.

Liz:   But also, you know, you're entering into a contract with a fic writer where they're saying, "Look, I love this character, and I care about them too." And you're like, "Cool, I'm gonna sit with you and we're going to care together."

Anika:   Right, we're gonna care together, I'm -- we're going to fix -- like, you know, fix it fic is like a really popular tag for every fandom because every fandom needs to be fixed for someone.

Liz:   I was very against the idea of fix it fic as a concept because I'm like, Sure you can change and you can alter what the show does, but ultimately, you know, what I love is canon. And then they blew someone up and I am very pro fix it fic. I am a Cornwell denialist.

Anika:   It's interesting. This is where my love of alternate universes comes in, where I can -- like a fix it fic is just an alternate universe, it doesn't mean that the canon didn't happen. It's like, here's a different way it could have gone. 

And I love that, because characters who are thrown into many different plots and many different situations and circumstances and the way things went, seeing the similarities, the throughlines, and their strengths and their skills and their innermost being, like, how it comes out? That's what's interesting to me, that's the identity stuff that I'm always talking about. That's like, this is what matters to this character.

Liz:   And there's a really interesting writing trick where, if you're not sure you understand your original character, you should go and write an AU of them. So if you're trying to write a fantasy, go scribble out a coffee shop AU and see, see what is actually essential to that character.

Anika:   Exactly, yes.

Liz:   And now I'm wondering, is the reason for the whole Mary Sue discourse, and this whole discussion about original characters in fan fiction, because a lot of these writers were novices and didn't have the skills to make people care about their original characters?

Anika:   Absolutely! I still have some of my fanfic that I wrote when I was 13. And it is bad. Even -- there are two Voyager fics that I wrote way back when that I put on my AO3, because they're the two that I think are acceptable, and they are still bad.

Liz:   Oh, yeah.

Anika:   They are … like, I put them up because I'm proud of them. But I'm proud of them twenty years ago. You know, it's like, thank God, I have improved since this time.

Liz:   The first fic I actually finished was a Savage Garden songfic where Q watches Janeway and Chakotay dance. It is not good at all. But in my defense, I was 14 years old.

Anika:   Exactly. And I think that that's, that matters. One thing that I really love about fanfic, and that I love about having a profile on Archive of Our Own, is that I can go back to this stuff that is fifteen years old, and I can say like, Oh, this is like, I'm telling this, this story again, in this new fic. But look at how much I've improved, look at how I've been able to, like, tease those ideas into something so much like -- into so much more of a blossom.

Liz:   And with these women who are writing fic in the '70s -- you know, the general profile of a Trekkie back then was a middle-aged, college educated woman who had married straight after college, had children. Maybe she had a part-time job as a receptionist, or a secretary or something like that. But this was her first creative outlet in decades. And her first writing work in decades. And it is the work of intelligent, educated but untrained writers who are practicing. And - - -

Anika:   Exactly, practicing. 

I love that fanfic doesn't have to have a beginning, a middle and an end. You don't have to waste time on telling them about the character, you can just tell them about what the character is feeling right now, because I already know who Spock is. 

So you don't have to tell me who Spock is. You just have to tell me what Spock is doing right now, and how it makes him feel, and how it's different from what he feels in the episode I just watched. 

It allows you to hone your skills with a very low like bar. You don't have to prove anything. The worst thing that happens is someone doesn't like your fic.

Liz:   And we talked at the beginning, and I guess this brings us full circle, but we talked at the beginning about how the criticisms in this panel were not the sorts of things that would fly today, and people could be really upfront about not liking stuff. 

But I read some of the letters of comment for big fics around this time, and there was one, and it's a very well known writer, and I cannot remember who she was - possibly even Paula -- no, not Paula Smith. 

Anyway, the letter of comment was basically, "You need to slow down," or, no, "she needs to slow down," it was a letter to the zine, not to the writer. 

"She needs to slow down and consider her pacing and really take time to settle into a scene and let things unfold. Because she is not a bad writer now, but she is going to be really, really good when she's comfortable enough to take her time." 

And that's really, really fantastic feedback. And put really kindly And so yeah, fandom hasn't changed that much.

Anika:   You know, you can go to college for literature, or whatever, and mostly you get beaten down. And you get told, you know, this is what you're doing wrong, and this is the way you need to do better. 

And fanfic is the opposite, where it's like, they're not going to tell you how to fix things necessarily. They're gonna encourage you, and even when they say something negative, it's in an encouraging way. And I think that the balance of both is the perfect, you know, that the best way to make a writer is to have both.

Liz:   Absolutely. 

Are we done? Should I outro?

Anika:   I think so.

Liz:   Okay. It's really hot here. I need another shower.

Anika:   I'm sorry.

Liz:   I'm sorry for Texas!

Anika:   It is. Yeah, it is cold and snowing here.

Liz:   If I could send you my excess heat...

Anika:   And I'm not Texas. Thank God.  

Liz:   Thank you for listening to Antimatter Pod. You can find our show notes at  antimatterpod.tumblr.com, including links to our social media and credits for our theme music. 

You can follow us on Twitter at @Antimatter Pod, and on Facebook, because as far as Facebook is concerned, we are not a news source. That's a bit of Australian humour for you. 

If you like us, leave a review on Apple Podcasts or wherever you consume your podcasts. 

The more reviews the easier it is for new listeners to find us and join us in two weeks, when we'll be discussing bisexuality and Star Trek.

Anika:   It will be great!

[angel-tries-to-write]

Tease

Rating: Teen and and up, mild sexual content Pairing: Mac x gender neutral reader (at least I tried) Word count: 3692

You've been dancing around each other for years, time to shine now. I suck at summaries, if you hadn't noticed yet.

You two have been teasing each other forever. Okay, maybe not forever, but definitely since you've met for the first time. You've been recruited to CIA by Matty Webber straight from college and a couple of years later you were offered a job in Phoenix Foundation, where she had transferred earlier. Director Webber wanted to have you in her team, so it was obvious that sooner or later you were going to meet the other agents. Especially this particular agent, whose blue eyes and smug grin made your heart jump a little in a way you didn't like, and you didn't know whether you wanted to punch him or kiss him. Both were really tempting. None of you seemed to be aware of the fact, that you couldn't even talk like normal people. Every one of your conversations just had to become the aggressive flirting that you were oblivious of. Not even constant 'get a room!'s managed to give you a hint of what you were exactly doing. Well, there just had to come the time when things started to get out of the hand.

You loved missions which required wearing a formal dress, heavy make-up and attending a fancy party. You liked blending in, pretending to be someone else and having way more fun than you were supposed to. Currently you were sitting by the bar, sipping slowly some probably expensive drink, which you almost spat out when a man sat nearby. The characteristic smell of his cologne gave you goosebumps, made your knees weak and sent a strike of heat into your lower abdomen. You knew that scent very well, it was sandalwood. One of your big turn-ons. No one said it was going to be an easy mission. You tried to breathe, but it wasn't helping at all, luckily, the man hadn't stayed nearby for long. He ordered his drink and went away right after getting it, only then you could let out a sigh of relief. It'd be better to keep that secret. The universe, on the other hand, had different plans.

A few minutes later Mac and Jack identified the target of your mission. They've been chasing it currently and you'd gladly help if you wore some comfortable shoes. Or at least you could run more carelessly, without having to mind your steps. You joined them only when they lost the track of the target. You walked into the almost empty room and you felt the same feeling you had at the bar. That familiar scent again.

“Don't waste your time, (y/n), we already checked there” said Dalton, trying to hide how disappointed he was.

“Who do we even chase?” you asked. That couldn't be a coincidence that you smelled this cologne here.

“This man” Mac showed you a photo of the man you've seen earlier at the bar. Bingo! That's why you smelled his cologne.

“Well, then he has to be here” you entered the room and looked around. The faint scent seemed to be stronger by one of the walls. You looked closely and saw a narrow chink in the wall, hidden under the decorative wallpaper. Clever, Mr. Bad Guy, but not clever enough. “There. Something is here.”

The two agents exchanged a surprised look and approached to see what did you find. None of them could understand how did you do that.

“Not bad for you” Mac teased and started to work his magic to open whatever was in this wall.

A few hours later the mission was completed and you were on your way home.

“Hey, (y/n)” Jack spoke suddenly. “How did you find that dude?”

“My secret” you answered, not even opening your eyes you closed a few moments ago.

“Tell me” he pleaded like a kid.

“Fine. I smelled his cologne. It contained sandalwood and it's my favorite scent” you admitted, too tired to resist.

“Isn't it an aphrodisiac?” Riley asked, rising an eyebrow.

“What's that?” asked Jack.

“Basically you smell it and you get horny” explained Bozer, not bothering to be subtle.

“Well, it doesn't work on me this way. I just think it smells nice” you lied, trying to avoid comments. You started to worry that Mac wasn't saying anything, you hoped he was asleep or lost in thoughts, but it wasn't really possible. You bet he was up to something and you were sure you would find out what soon.

A couple of days later Matty called in the team. You were first in the war room, sitting on the armchair and checking something on your phone. You barely noticed the others coming in, except for one person. You first smelled, then felt his presence, finally seeing him. On the armrest of your chair was sitting your favorite blonde boy and he smelled like never before. You could easily identify sandalwood in his new cologne and it smelled so good on him, that you couldn't focus on anything else, feeling your arousal rising.

“(Y/n), are you alright?” you heard Matty's voice. “You seem distracted” she said and you could only imagine how big shit-eating grin Mac had to suppress.

“Sorry. I got a slight concussion on the last mission” you lied easily. “It must've impacted on me a little.”

“So that's how we call Mac from now on? A concussion?” Bozer muttered to Riley and they both chuckled quietly.

“I heard that” you said, sending them your best death glare.

“Girl, I'm just saying you look weird since he entered the room, it's not my fault I'm this observant” typical Boz tried to save his butt as usual.

“Can we focus on the debriefing, please?” you snapped angrily. “Having fun, Macgyver, aren't you?” you growled quietly, making sure he's the only one who heard it.

“You have no idea” he replied, very amused indeed.

After a few days you managed to get used to his new scent, especially after one situation. You were in the field, under the fire, waiting for a bomb to explode and therefore Mac's trap to work. When it went off, you two acted by a pure instinct, he pulled you into his chest and you clung to him, burying your face in his shirt. You regretted it immediately, he smelled like your favorite cologne and sweat with a faint tone of metal and chemicals, which was a surprisingly good mix. Of course you remembered enough biology to know it was no magic or silly love, but a chemical reaction. His pheromones just happened to be very compatible with your nose and brain, which was of course problematic, but not weird or something. And it was easier to tell yourself that, instead of admitting you were in love. Anyway, when you got used to this new scent, it was easier to stay focused. Although you were about to find out, that things were about to get worse. Or maybe better? Depends on the point of view.

It was just a regular celebration of Mac's birthday. Gifts, cake, party in his home. The usual. One thing that was different, was Jack, who made you all participate in a karaoke session. He obviously didn't take 'no' for an answer. The good part of it was that he let everyone pick their song, so you could sorta punish him.

“Come on, (y/n), your turn!” Dalton commanded. You typed the title in the searching bar and everyone groaned?

“Really, dude? Despacito? The most popular and annoying song no one knows lyrics of?” Bozer was clearly unamused.

“I know the lyrics and I think it's beautiful” you protested.

“Do you know it to the point to not watch the screen?” asked Jack and you knew he was up to something.

“I do. But I'm not going to dance, if that's what you're thinking about” you said, crossing your arms on your chest.

“How did you-”

“I just knew” you shrugged. “But I think I might have a little problem, since I don't know the original version, just a cover I adore. And it'll be hard to get an instrumental version for this cover.”

“Then pick a different one, come on, we don't have all night for this” Riley rushed you.

“But I want this one. To make sure Jack will never come up with such a terrible idea again.”

“I can always play for you” offered Mac and you all but Bozer looked at him surprised. “What? I'm not a pro, but I'm also not bad. Besides I think I know which song you have in mind” he said getting up and he took the guitar that was always in his house and everyone simply ignored it. You found the right chords for him and after a few moments Mac was ready.

He started very similarly to the original version, even playing a bit Latino way, pulling the strings separately, not in a classic way.

Comin' over in my direction So thankful for that, it's such a blessin', yeah Turn every situation into heaven, yeah Oh, you are My sunrise on the darkest day Got me feelin' some kind of way Make me wanna savor every moment slowly, slowly

You started with a shyness and hesitation, your cheeks blushed while singing, especially in English. When the Spanish lyrics started, you felt more confident. No one could understand you anyway.

¡Oh! Tú, tú eres el imán y yo soy el metal (You, you’re the magnet and I’m the metal) Me voy acercando y voy armando el plan (I’m getting closer and coming up with a plan) Solo con pensarlo se acelera el pulso (oh yeah) (Just thinking about it accelerates my pulse) Ya, ya me está gustando más de lo normal (I’m already enjoying it more than normal) Todos mis sentidos van pidiendo más (All of my senses are asking for more) Esto hay que tomarlo sin ningún apuro (This has to be done without a hurry)

Despacito (Slowly) Quiero respirar tu cuello despacito (I want to breathe your neck slowly) Deja que te diga cosas al oído (Let me whisper things in your ear) Para que te acuerdes si no estás conmigo (That you’ll remember when you’re not with me) Despacito (Slowly) Quiero desnudarte a besos despacito (I want to undress you with kisses slowly) Firmo en las paredes de tu laberinto (Sign the walls of your labyrinth) Y hacer de tu cuerpo todo un manuscrito (And turn your body into a manuscript)

As the song continued, you couldn't tear your eyes off Mac. You knew you were singing for him, that your feelings were flowing through you. The second part of the song was different, however.

The club isn't the best place to find a lover So the bar is where I go Me and my friends at the table doing shots Drinking fast and then we talk slow (despacito) Over and start up a conversation with just me And trust me I'll give it a chance now Take my hand, stop, put Van the Man on the jukebox And then we start to dance, and now I'm singing like

Girl you know I want your love Your love was handmade for somebody like me Come on now follow my lead I may be queasy, don't let me see

Oh boy Ya no hablemos más (Let's not talk anymore) Toma mi cuerpo y frótalo contra ti (Take my body and rub it against you) Ven y sígueme hasta el fin (Come and follow me to the end) Ven, ven y sígueme hasta el fin (Come, come and follow me to the end)

I'm in love with the shape of you We push and pull like a magnet do Although my heart is falling too I'm in love with your body Last night you were in my room And now my bed sheets smell like you Every day discovering something brand new I'm in love with your body

Oh I, oh I, oh I, oh I I'm in love with your body Oh I, oh I, oh I, oh I

Oh, despacito This is how we do it down in Puerto Rico I just wanna hear you screaming, "¡Ay, Bendito!" I can move forever cuando esté contigo (when you are with me) ¡Bailalo! (Dance!) Pasito a pasito, suave suavecito (Step by step, gentle gently) Nos vamos pegando, poquito a poquito (We’ll get closer, little by little) Cuando tú me besas con esa destreza (When you kiss me with that skill) Veo que eres malicia con delicadeza (I see that you are malice with delicacy)

This part was definitely about Mac, he was just the real life definition of "malicia con delicadeza". Well, you were ready to admit that maybe you would like to do all what the song was about and a lot of more. After this part, the end was just a formality, you didn't actually need it.

I'm in love with the shape of you We push and pull like a magnet do Although my heart is falling too I'm in love with your body Last night you were in my room And now my bed sheets smell like you Every day discovering something brand new I'm in love with your body

Oh I, oh I, oh I, oh I Despacito Oh I, oh I, oh I, oh I Come on, be my baby, oh yeah

You finished the song and finally looked at the others. They were genuinely impressed by either you, Mac or both. Jack was speechless and you thought it was the best thing that could ever happen, at least you could appreciate a few moments of silence before they started to talk. Bozer spoke first, complimenting both of you, the others joined him quickly.

After a few hours of having a good time it was time to say goodnight. Matty left first, then Bozer with Leanna, Riley, and Jack was the last one. You were supposed to leave either, but you wanted to stay and help with the cleaning. No one could convince you to not do that, because you were this type of a friend who would always clean up, even if you were a guest. Besides you felt in the house comfortable enough to not care and just casually start to wash the dishes.

“Are you doing that to spend more time with me?” Mac asked, when he finished his part of the cleaning. You were almost done either.

“Of course not. I really don't like to leave a mess, even if I'm a guest. Besides, I know it's easier to clean up together than on your own” you answered honestly, giving him a smile. You hadn't drunk much, but enough to feel his presence more intensively than usually.

“I appreciate that a lot” he said and started to do something around the kitchen while you finished your job. It was almost like he wanted to spend more time with you.

“You know, I've been thinking... maybe we should go out from time to time? Like... just the two of us” he said after a while.

“Are you asking me for a date?” you looked at him slightly surprised. Was that possible he felt about you the same way you felt about him?

“I guess I am” he looked at you with his adorable puppy expression and you couldn't help but giggle.

“Then I guess I say yes” you answered and before you thought, you quietly added in Spanish: “Besides, you're so cute it's hard to say no.”

“I bet not as cute as you singing that song and thinking no one understands you” he replied also in Spanish and you were grateful you finished washing the dishes, because you would certainly drop whatever was in your hands if they weren't empty. Your face paled, then reddened furiously.

“I... No... It's...” you tried to say something, but words didn't want to form in your head. How could you be naive enough to think he doesn't know Spanish? This golden boy obviously could do everything.

“Hey” he put his hand on yours, but you took it away.

“Stop before I'll do something I'm going to regret” you whispered, looking into his blue eyes.

“Let me do something first.”

“Okay.”

As soon as he heard your permission, Mac leaned down and pressed his lips to yours. That was certainly not something you expected, but you didn't waste your chance and kissed him back. You wanted to both stay and run away, torn between listening to your mind and heart.

“I should be going” you whispered finally between kisses, but clearly not wanting to let him go.

“Stay” Mac pleaded and his fingers ghosted over the skin under the hem of your t-shirt.

“I want to, but I really shouldn't.”

“Baby, it's cold outside” he purred, kissing your neck. You smiled widely but your breath hitched.

“Alright. So where would I sleep?” you asked teasingly, unbuttoning his shirt slowly.

“In my bed?” he followed the game, sliding his hands under your clothes.

“But I have no pj's” you smirked, exposing his chest which you traced gently with your fingertips.

“You won't need them” he kissed you hungrily and lifted you up, then carried you to the bedroom. Not that you minded.

When you woke up in the morning, you didn't actually know whether you were supposed to be happy or scared. Or maybe both. Last night was either making your dreams come true, or a total disaster and the end of your friendship. Everything depended on what Mac thought about it. But the blond agent was still asleep, so you got up silently, took his shirt and left the bedroom. You didn't take any of your things, in case Macgyver woke up. You didn't want him to think you vanished and left him all alone. And you were right, by the time you came back with breakfast, he was awake.

“You scared me” he said and yawned.

“Why?” you asked, putting the tray on the nightstand and sitting comfortably in bed before you put in on your lap.

“I woke up and you weren't there. I thought you left, but then I saw your clothes.”

“It would be difficult to go anywhere outside without them” you chuckled, cutting a bit of the pile of pancakes with a fork and then offering it to Mac. “Besides, I didn't even want to go. I was just hungry. And I wanted to think what to do next” you explained, taking another bit yourself.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that we should talk about us. Without teasing and jokes, just seriously talk about our feelings and-”

“I love you.”

These three words silenced you for good. Jack told you once that you and Mac have too big brains for your own's sake and you tend to overanalyze simple stuff. While relationships, according to Dalton, were no quantum physics, these stuff were simple. Well, you could swear physics was more simple than dating. But apparently Mac listened to his friend and decided to think less, act more.

“I... totally didn't expect that” you admitted, still shocked.

“I thought it was obvious. All that flirting, teasing, your favorite cologne... Everyone knew. They told me last night” he said sheepishly.

“You know what they say, "love is blind"? I was so in love that I didn't see anything at all. I seriously want to laugh at my own stupidity” you giggled, trying your best to not spill the coffee. “I was sure that if you ever found out how I feel about you, it would ruin our friendship. I was too focused on hiding my own feelings that I didn't notice yours.”

“We would make a perfect couple” Mac chuckled and kissed you.

“We will make a perfect couple” you corrected him, breaking the kiss. “You don't really think I could give up now? I love you too, Macgyver, whether you like it or not.”

“Oh, I do” he smirked. “Let's eat and I'll show you how much I like it.”

“Sounds fair. Unless you tease me again.”

“I can start to. As soon as we finish” he took the fork you held and fed you with pancakes just like you did before. Once you finished, he unbuttoned his shirt you were wearing and kissed you.

Of course it was the perfect moment for Matty to call. You wanted to suggest he shouldn't answer, but you knew a little too well that she would kill you both.

“Hey, Matty, what's up” Mac answered the phone with a speaker, so you could hear the boss too. He used a very convincing sleepy voice.

“I'm sorry to wake you up, but there's an emergency. Get ready and better be in war room in an hour. Also, do you know anything about (Y/n)? Her phone is dead and she didn't reach her home last night.”

“I'm sure she's fine” he said as you literally held your breath.

“Mac, this is serious, if something happened to her, I will search the whole world until I find her.”

“I mean it, Matty. I assure you she's fine.”

“Do you happen to know something I don't?”

“Maybe...” he tried and you sighed. There was no point in trying to fool her.

“Just don't tell Jack, okay?” you spoke. “And Bozer or Riley.”

“I'll just say it's about time. In this case I guess I can give you two hours” Matty's voice sounded way more amused than you wanted her to be.

“It's fine, we were about to get up anyway” you said embarrassed.

“No, you weren't, don't try to fool me. I know you better than you think and Ican tell you counted on a lazy day in bed.”

“Okay, enough. See you in Phoenix” you said and Mac ended the call, agreeing with you.

“So, we have two hours. I suggest we should use them well” he smirked and for the first time you didn't have the dilemma whether you want to punch him or kiss him. You just leaned in and kissed him hard. These two hours were going to be the best used time in your life. You were sure of it.

A/N: Used song is obviously “Despacito x Shape of You” by my favorite Pentatonix

[imagine-jjba]

Here's my next ask: "Run away with me, Jotaro." Student AU where the reader suddenly wants to go on an adventure with the delinquent boy, much to his surprise~ I loved the 1st one you did, I hope my asks wont get too annoying or frequent!! your writing is my favorite~ you capture the characters so perfectly and your writing feels like I'm watching a movie!

run away (jotaro x s/o)

hi again! i’m glad that you enjoyed the first request i did for you! i’m also glad that you enjoy my writing so much! personally, i feel like my actual writing (nothing for this blog, really) is better than whatever other things i write. i’m putting this in post SDC since it just makes more sense for me if i put it after canon events!

also, it’s not a bother if you send me asks! if you’d like to send in more, then please do so! however, i’m probably going to do different characters once i clear my inbox out, lol. however, if you have different requests for characters, then go right ahead!

i’m sorry this took so long as well! i ended up getting a tad bit busy, but i’m ready to post this! i’m sorry if this is short for your liking.

@peachpunkbitch

“Jotaro, would you be willing to run away with me?” you asked, wondering if he would accept your request. Of course, it was a very heavy request. Or maybe he thought it was just a hypothetical question? No, you’d have to make it clear to him, just in case. “You know, like, on another adventure.”

“What? Why?” he asked, confused at your question. He almost seemed exasperated, like you were stating something that was totally off-limits. It may as well been. After all, the last adventure you went on (that was a month or two ago) lead to the deaths of some of your best friends. But it was that thrill that kept you going. It was something that made you excited for something. It probably would have been something a lot more tame. Maybe just using Mr. Joestar’s money and traveling around the world? It could work. Besides, things were staring to get boring.

“I mean, nothing like what happened with us Crusaders. I meant like— borrow some of Mr.Joestar’s money to travel across the world? Doesn’t it sound fun?” he asked, grinning softly. You started to point your finger into the air, looking back at him. “You want to do something like that? It’s fine if you don’t like it, but... I just thought it would be fun.”

It was silent for a few moments. It looked as though Jotaro was stuck in thought. Maybe if you proposed the idea of a calm adventure, he would want to go. Of course, there was always the option of just staying home, but you hoped that Jotaro craved the small adventure, just like you did. “I’ll... need a moment to think about it.”

“Alright, yeah. But I’m just saying. We could just go sight-seeing for a while! Maybe heading to Europe first? Oh! We can go see all the cool things there. No more stand threats either, right?” you said, trying to lure Jotaro into the idea that maybe having this adventure would have been a good idea. He didn’t seem so sure about it, though. You noticed that he was a bit tense about the idea. Was it really that bad?

Throughout the rest of the day, you continued to talk to him about whatever was up in your life. You stopped bothering him about the little adventure you wanted to go on, as you didn’t want to irritate him too much about it. Of course, you also focused on your school work. Even if you wants to go on this little trip and run away, you didn’t want to be seen as a bad student. You figured that Jotaro didn’t really need help, but he seemed to be a bit out of it. It must have been due to the question you asked him earlier.

Was running away the worst possible option you could have said? Yes, yes it was. Your parents would have been worried, Jotaro’s parents would have been almost devistated due to the unfortunate events that they always seemed to suffer within their bloodline, and the Speedwagon Foundation most likely would have tracked you two down somehow. It would have just ended up in you two getting in trouble. Bur was it going to be worth it? Absolutely. You were going to spend your time with Jotaro, a reliable, handsome man. Plus, he seemed to like being by your side as well.

At the end of the day, you looked up at him with wide eyes. You weren’t going to mention your little idea since it would have taken a few days for him to properly get an answer. At least, that’s what you thought. He stopped you while you were on your way home, fixing his hat and giving you a cold stare. You were used to this, though, so it didn’t really come off as cold. Rather, you found it to be quite affectionate when he would stare down at you without saying a word. It was almost like you two could telepathically communicate, but you knew that wasn’t true.

“I’ve decided,” he said. It took you back for a moment, wondering how he would have fame up with his answer after only a few hours. For you, it would have taken days to weight out the pros and cons of running away. But he seemed determined with his answer. “I’ll come. Make sure that you’re sure about this, though. It would be a pain if you started wanting to come back after we’re across the world.”

You eyes started to shimmer and you could feel your excitement bubbling up. A wide grin formed on your face as you moved to hug onto the giant, cheering softly. The student around you must have seen your cheerfulness and heard you exclaiming your thanks to him. They turned around and gave you a wide-eyed stare. Jotaro must have been embarrassed, he yelled deeply at the people around him to “go the fuck away.” They obliged, though, quickly moving on and engaging in their own conversations. “Yes! Thank you so much, JoJo! We can start planning stuff later, but we have to figure out money and tickets first, for the airplane and stuff, right?”

“You’ve really been thinking about this, huh. I guess if you don’t have the money to go across the world, then I can help out with some of that. I’ll just steal some of Gramp’s money,” he said, trying to gently push you off of the hug. You couldn’t see it, but his face was semi-red. He seemed like he was trying to hide his embarrassment, but was failing miserably. Well, at least you were enjoying yourself. You didn’t let go of him, however, still cheerful and excited.

“Really? Thank you,” you said, looking up at him with one of the brightest smiles he had ever seen, especially on you. After the events of your last journey, he hadn’t seen you smile too often, not this purely. Even during the trip, your smile wasn’t as bright as this. It was bizarre, how mentioning that he could run away with you was something that made you the most happy, but he did find your face to be quite adorable.

[imaginebooks]

Cup of Revenge | Draco Malfoy

Pairings: Draco Malfoy x reader

Genre: Uhhhh fluff, maybe slight angst and yeah

Summary: He wasn’t well, even I could tell that. I knew something was up with him, now I just needed to find out what. This could really go one of two ways, incredibly good or horrifically bad.

Word Count: 6.7k

Warnings: Some swearing. It’s written in first person so be warned. It’s also kind of long but oh well. Your last name in this is Ambry just in case you get confused. Be warned about any grammar mistakes and what not. 

This is my submission for @locke-writes​  Intro to 2020 challenge

Masterlist

Also requests are open. Thanks!

*********************************

Draco was acting differently, it didn’t take a genius to figure that out. We may not have been as good friends as we once were but I could still pick up on his feelings.

I raised an eyebrow, staring at the tall man in front of me as he tried to lie to me about how he was feeling.

“I’m just tired, that’s all.” He said, turning to make his way back into the Slytherin common room before I grabbed him. The sunken features of his face were even more prominent in the dingy light of the castle dungeon. Even now, I could fit my hand around his wrist, something which I was never normally able to do (I have small hands).

“I don’t know when you thought lying to my face would be a good idea, but let me remind you, it’s really not.” He gulped once again, furthering my suspicion that something was really wrong.

“Since when do you care Ambry, we haven’t talked in years.” Draco was trying to change the subject and get me riled up, but it wasn’t going to work at all.

“Who’s fault is that anyway? Besides, trying to distract me is going to get you nowhere.” I growled. “You better tell me what’s going on.”

“It’s nothing. Just drop it okay?” He hissed, finally becoming angry with me, glaring down, his eyes turning to a stormy grey. I just needed to push a couple more buttons and then he would spill whatever it is that he was hiding from me.

Draco, whilst he was incredibly clever, could be pretty dense at other times and never picked up on the fact that I knew all of his little quirks and what to say to get him to tell me his secrets. We had known each other since we were in nappies, our parents having been best friends when they went to school and were hoping for us to be the same. This lead to a lot of play dates and sleep overs and I was now able to read him like a book. 

Unfortunately, our parents also shared the same views on half-bloods, muggle borns and blood traitors so you can imagine the uproar from my family when I was sorted into Hufflepuff instead of Slytherin like everyone else.

My parents then promptly forbid me from coming home during any of the holidays that weren’t the summer, seeing Draco and his family (who probably wanted nothing to do with me) and from calling them mum and dad.

They kept me around until I could fend for myself and then chucked me out into the big wide world. I was lucky enough to find a job and an apartment that I was able to rent for a cheap enough price during the summer holidays.  

I thought that maybe, even if I had been sorted into Hufflepuff, Draco and my relationship would last at school. Except that was a far off dream, Draco had blanked me out for most of our years at Hogwarts and I had learnt to do the same with him.

The foundations of our friendship rocked even more when he found out that I was involved with Dumbledore’s Army last year. He had been the one to drag me to where Umbridge was rounding us up, glaring at me the entire way. 

Whilst Harry and a couple of others made their way down to London that night, a few of us stayed at the castle to stop any of the Inquisitorial Squad reporting us to Fudge.

Draco duelled with me that day, the first and only time it had happened. The battle between the two of us had only been stopped as I had shot an curse to keep him immobile, before moving him away from the letter that he was going to write to his father about what had happened. I wasn’t entirely sure whether or not he had forgiven me for that one.

Even if our relationship had failed, I was still worried about him. Especially due to the fact that, ever since the start of our sixth year, he had become even paler and more sickly looking, his cheek bones protruding from his thin face as he stared unseeingly past me.

I had managed to swap prefect duty with the person that Draco was normally with, and thus I was here, confronting him and trying to get an answer out of the stubborn man.

“I’m not going to drop it Draco. You look like death. What’s going on?” He ran a hand through his hair before making his way off in the direction of our prefect route. Running to keep up with his long legs, I continued to pester him with questions.

“Why won’t you just tell me? Seriously Draco, I’m worried.” He stopped at those words before slamming me into the wall behind us.

“You’re worried about me! You betrayed me.” He pushed himself off the wall, continuing our round. I rolled my eyes at his dramatic statement before hurrying after him.

“I’ll find out somehow Malfoy, you know me.”

“Will you leave me alone, Ambry?” He growled, scratching his left arm absentmindedly and my brain started to connect the dots.

“Malfoy, don’t tell me…” I trailed off, watching as he stiffened, pausing the scratching on his arm as he stared at me in horror.

Draco looked like he was in the middle of a mental breakdown as he realised that I had managed to work out what he was doing. He knew that I was very sharp when it came to uncovering people’s secrets before they wanted me to.

“Go away!” He looked so upset with himself. I glanced at his left arm, hoping and praying to any god out there that he hadn’t done what I thought he had done. He saw me looking and began to back away, my fear only growing as he did so.

“Don’t even think about it.” He warned, backing away as I moved forward.

“Draco.” I pleaded, holding out my hand as he continued to back away. “If it’s not true, then you have nothing to fear, just show me your left arm.”

However, I knew almost for sure that I was right so I cast an immobulus charm on him and grabbed his wand before casting the counter curse so that he was standing opposite me. His resolve seemed to crumble as he let me grab his left arm, not even trying to protest. He looked down, blond hair falling in front of his eyes, that seemed fragmented in the light.

I pulled his sleeve up so that the dark mark was shown, marring his skin. It was visibly irritated, the skin around it red and there were scars covering the top of it as if he had tried to scratch it off. My heart broke for the boy in front of me, knowing that Draco wouldn’t have done that if there was any other choice.

“Draco…” I stared up at him, tracing around the dark mark as I did so, trying to soothe the agitated skin. Glancing up at him, I caught his eyes and pleaded with him to help me understand what was going on. “Why?”

“He was going to kill me, what do you think I was going to say?” He hissed back, his voice breaking as he did so. “He’s threatening me, my parents, you. He was going to kill everyone.”

“What’s he asked you to do?” I pressed as Draco rolled down his sleeves and straightened his blond hair again. He rolled his eyes at me. “And why am I involved in that list? As you said, we haven’t talked in years.” 

He gulped and sighed before answering.

“My happiness depends on you. You’ve always been my light, my best friend.” I smiled up at him sadly, the lines reminding me of our past memories together. “Why do you think he’s asked me to do something anyway?” 

“You forget, we grew up in the same types of households, I know how it goes.” He gulped, remembering that he and I were very alike. Both of us had been prepared to take over the family mantle and to take up the dark mark if our parents fell. However, I got out of that life but Draco was still stuck in it. “Tell me, I can help.”

“Kill Dumbledore…He’s asked me to kill Dumbledore.” He replied, rubbing his hand against his face in pain. He glanced back up at me and I saw unshed tears in his eyes. He was terrified.

Draco, who had been my knight in shining armour for years, was absolutely terrified of this. I gulped knowing that it was my turn to stand up and help him in any way that I could.

Shuffling over to his hunched figure, I wrapped an arm around his shoulder and kissed the top of his head, running my hands through his hair as he sighed.

“We can stop this you know.” I told him. “This doesn’t have to be a be all end all situation.”

“How are we going to stop this? Have you met that man, he’s too powerful for us to defeat. We’re students.” Draco moaned, running his hands through his hair again as he pulled away from me.

“No, he’s not. That man’s still scared of one person.” I told him, grabbing his hand and beginning to lead him back towards the gargoyle staircase. Draco was thinking, trying to work out the pros and cons of the situation as I slowly lead him towards the office.

It gave him enough time to try and stop me from talking to the old professor and bolt. But still, he continued to walk with me, staring at our intertwined hands.

“I’m sure that he’s the person who can help us. I have a plan and I think that maybe he’ll be able to help us execute it.” I said, gripping his hands a little tighter as we both ducked out of sight of Mrs Norris, who was prowling the corridors.

“What’s your plan o powerful one?” He said sarcastically, raising an eyebrow as I winked up at him, both of us pressed together in a tight nook on the fifth floor.

“You’ll find out when we get to Dumbledore’s office.”

“Ambry, just don’t. He can’t help me, you can’t help me. I have to carry this mission out alone.” He sighed, twisting his wrist so that I released his hand from my grasp.

It was at that moment that luck seemed to be on my side and Professor Dumbledore appeared from round the corner and approached the two of us.

“Ah. Mr Malfoy, Miss Ambry. This is a pleasant surprise. Why don’t you step into my office for a minute?” He asked, not leaving any room for arguments as Draco and I followed the old man towards the gargoyle staircase.

We must have looked like quite a trio as we walked past; Draco looked like he was being sent to the gallows, I looked worried and Dumbledore just had a knowing glint in his eyes as he watched the two of us closely.

We finally made it up into his office and sat opposite the large desk in two chairs, that he had transfigured from books. I had never been in his office before, and I looked around in awe at the room; the paintings on all the walls, the phoenix that watched the both of us carefully, and the large book cases that lined the room. Draco wasn’t as impressed as I was, and just sat staring at the desk, his hand still clutching mine as he waited for the old professor to speak.

“Now Mr Malfoy, would you like to tell me what’s bothering you?” The professor asked as he shot me a look over his half-moon glasses. Draco sighed and looked away from our joined hands, knowing that Dumbledore would be able to pick up on any bullshit that he tried.

“Draco. Would it be easier to show him?” I whispered, rubbing my thumb across his knuckles and squeezing his hand. It seemed that our relationship had picked up where we left off, and we were back to being (relatively) affectionate with one and other. That was always a good thing about our relationship, we were always able to reconcile after any argument no matter how big it was. As Draco said, we were one and others light to try and keep up sane in this harsh world.

It had always been that way around, me providing affection that both of us had been starved of, and him lapping it all up eagerly. He was a big softy under all his bad boy persona.

Draco, after a couple minutes of tense silence, began to roll up his left sleeve to show the scratched dark mark that had tainted his skin. He looked away, staring into my eyes, ashamed that he had to talk to a teacher about what to do. Dumbledore nodded at the sight and then commented;

“You were supposed to kill me, weren’t you?” Draco nodded, still not meeting the teachers eyes. “Well, this is a stroke of luck isn’t it?”

Draco snapped his head to Dumbledore’s as he glanced between me and the man, confused at the professor’s happy tone.

“How is this lucky?” He asked, looking at the mark, that was now hidden again underneath his shirt, with disgust.

“Well, now there’s someone on the inside isn’t there? I do believe that was your plan all along Miss Ambry.” I nodded at his statement, still confused at how he had worked out my plan before I told him. Draco sat a bit further upwards in his chair, clenching my hand tighter than before.

“Yes sir. I thought that maybe we could use the coins from Dumbledore’s Army and then have Draco be an informant in You-Know-Who’s ranks.” I said, looking at Draco, who had a furrowed brow. 

“Coins? What coins?” He questioned, though Dumbledore and I ignored him.

“Yes, but we should make it look realistic so maybe if Draco could keep up with the assassination attempts. It would mean that Voldemort wouldn’t have a reason to suspect him.”

“He would need to learn occlumency.” I told Dumbledore, becoming more certain with the idea that we created. It would need some more planning, but I thought that we could pull it off. Draco was still looking between the two of us, confused as to what we were talking about.

Dumbledore nodded and suggested Snape before chatting over some final details and letting us go back to our common rooms.

We began to make our way back down to the Great Hall level so that I could branch off to the Hufflepuff common room and he could continue down to the dungeons.

“What did he mean by coins?” Draco asked, pulling me to a stop in front of the corridor leading to the Hufflepuff common room. I pulled out the galleon that was my DA coin and showed it to him.

“It can show a message on it and it used to let us know when to come to the room of requirements to practice.” He picked the coin up from my palm, flipping it over in his hands before giving it back to me.

“Are you going to make a couple?” I nodded at his statement.

“I’ll ask Hermione what the charm is and then I can make one for me, you and Dumbledore so that we can communicate with each other about the plan.” I told Draco who nodded, looking slightly confused about all the information that was being thrown at him in such a short space of time.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Draco replied, wrapping me in a hug as he pressed his lips to my head. “Thank you, for doing this...and, I’m sorry, for these past few years. I let my fathers teachings get in the way of our friendship. I know that’s not a proper excuse but I’ll do anything to try and save our relationship.”

“It’s not a problem Draco. You know that I’d do anything to help you.” I made my way out of his arms and back into the Hufflepuff common room as he trotted off downstairs to sleep. It was an interesting night, that was for sure.

 ************************

 I had managed to get the charm off of Hermione relatively easily, and had made the coins for Draco, Dumbledore and I. Luckily the charm was still relatively simple, and I managed to make three galleons and deliver them to the other two (it also made meeting up to discuss secret plans a lot easier).

Draco and I had then sat down, a couple of weeks before Christmas, and had brainstormed a couple of ideas for what was going to happen after the holidays, in terms of assassination attempts, and how his occlumency lessons were going with Snape.

Dumbledore had also suggested that we think of something that could be used to assassinate him before Christmas.

Thus, I was brewing a poison in the dungeons, under Snape’s supervision, whilst Draco had his occlumency lesson. It would have been a strange sight if anyone came into the room, me (a Hufflepuff) brewing a poison and Draco (a Slytherin) having occlumency lessons.

Slughorn had vacated the room after hearing that Snape wanted to use it so that Draco and I could complete an extra-credit project.

After two hours of slaving away at the cauldron, I finished the poison and began to watch the occlumency lesson, smiling as Draco managed to keep Snape out of his head for the third time that night. When they had finished practicing, I gave Draco a glass of water and waited for him to catch his breath as I told him all about the potion. Snape had tested it and deemed it above average (so in other words, it could be used).

I’d already sent Dumbledore a message over the galleons, who had then sent a bottle of mead to us and we had tipped the poison in, before giving it to Professor Slughorn. 

Draco had used the imperious curse, so that Slughorn thought it was his idea, which I wasn’t impressed with. I was not a fan of the Unforgivable curses, having seen the damage that they could cause a person.

That night was a good one, as the plan was working a lot better than we hoped. It was all coming together quite nicely.

The next morning, I walked into the Great Hall behind Draco, who still looked tired and pale from the occlumency lesson last night, though less like death. I almost walked straight into his back as he stopped still, staring at a Gryffindor seventh year who was standing at the other end of the hall talking to Harry Potter. I also froze, just like Draco as I realised that everything we worked for could go down the drain if Potter decided to stick his nose into our business.

That was Katie Bell, the girl who was cursed by the necklace that Draco forced her to take. She was also, unfortunately, a friend of Potter’s, which meant that he was bound to go meddling. Bell would probably further confirm his suspicions about Draco and them clashing would not be pleasant.

Draco almost ran out of the room, pushing past others coming in, and I quickly followed him, making sure that I kept him in my eye sight as he moved into Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom.

I rushed in after him, my heart breaking for my best friend who was struggling to come to terms with the fact that he had ended up hurting someone, even if he was trying to protect himself and his family.

He had taken his jumper off and loosened his tie, the top button of his shirt open, taking in big gulps of air as he clutched the bathroom sink, heaving sobs echoing in the small room. Moving up behind him, I touched his back gently to let him know I was there, before wrapping my arms around his waist. He turned around and wrapped me in a hug, burying his head into my shoulder as I ran my hand through his hair, holding me as tightly as I was holding him.

“She’s alive, no one was seriously harmed.” I whispered, keeping an eye on the door in the reflection of the mirror. I glared at Potter as he walked into the room, a book in one hand and his wand in the other. I drew my own wand, staring Potter down.

Potter and I may be on familiar terms but Draco was still my best friend and I would protect him against anyone, even if the other person was a friend of mine as well.

“Piss off Potter.” I hissed at the man. Draco stiffened under my touch, before he too turned around and drew his wand, neither of us pleased with the outcome. “We’re not looking for a fight.”

“You were the one who gave her that necklace, weren’t you?” Potter spat, ignoring my words as Draco and I bristled.

Potter threw the first spell, which I deflected, and then Draco sent one towards him. Potter sent another spell which bounced off my shield and hit the faucet, causing water to start to spray. Draco began to lead Potter away from me, as I tried to control the water that was spurting out of the broken tap. The ground beneath us began to flood with water as I worked to get it repaired.

I could hear the fight coming back towards me again and quickly made my way over to stand back to back with Draco, not sure where the next spell from Potter would come from. I sent a quick glance at Draco, who squeezed my hand lightly in reassurance.

Unfortunately, the spell came in my direction and it wasn’t one that I had ever heard before or knew of.

“Sectumsempra.” Potter shouted and all of a sudden, I felt a searing amount of pain through my chest and back, as if someone was cutting me open with a knife. I let out a shout, before stumbling and dropping my wand.

Draco caught me as I fell down, trying to be careful as he swore loudly. I could see the water around us start to turn red with my blood and I could feel myself getting tired. Potter began to run towards us, skidding to a stop when he saw that there were cuts on my torso and back, not Draco’s.

“I didn’t…I didn’t mean to…” He couldn’t finish his sentence as Snape brushed past him and began to say a spell that lessened the pain slightly as my wounds sealed back together. At that point, I blacked out, the pain becoming too much for me to handle.

I woke up later that night, lying on a bed in the hospital wing, with Draco clutching my hand tightly as he waited for me. I squeezed his hand, smiling widely at the boy as he jumped out of his skin. Giggling, I watched as he sighed in relief and smiled down at me.

“Hi.” I whispered as Draco tried to calm down, before handing me a glass of water.

“Hey.”

“You okay?” I asked, looking at the tall man in front of me.

“I think I should be asking you that.”

“I’m fine. Wasn’t your fault. What happened to Potter?”

“Detention and he lost 100 points for Gryffindor.” He smirked at that statement and I could bet that he was very pleased about that considering the house rivalry between Gryffindor and Slytherin. Madame Pomfrey came round moments later and shooed Draco out so that she could look at the slashes.

“They might leave some marks Miss Ambry, but otherwise you’re good to go.” I thanked the healer and sat up to put my uniform back on as she closed the curtains around my bed. I managed to get everything back onto my body, bar my tie, as I was struggling to do it up.

“Draco.” I called, hoping that he was near the bed. He appeared inside the curtains moments later and I showed him the tie which he tied for me. Smoothing it out, he helped me into the over robes, that all the students wore, before offering me his arm and leading me towards the common room.  

“Ambry.” Someone called from behind me and I turned to see Potter, Granger and Weasley moving towards us in a hurry. Draco glared at Harry, wrapping his arms protectively around my waist as he did so. “I wanted to apologise to you. I’m really sorry, I had no idea that the spell did that.”

“Why use a spell when you didn’t know what it caused?” Draco spat, glaring harshly at the man. I slapped him on the shoulder and smiled at the distraught boy in front of me. Potter was a good soul really, he just was a bit clueless sometimes.

“It’s fine Harry, it could have been worse. I’ll see you later.” I sent a warm smile their way, as Draco glared over the top of my head, before turning back towards the common room.

Draco lead me to the barrels that were the entrance for the room, and gave me a quick kiss on the top of my head before disappearing back to the dungeons.

 *******************

 Months later, our plan was finally ready, all the careful planning that Draco, Snape, Dumbledore and I put into this would finally pay off. Of course the only downside was that Dumbledore was going to die, but he had assured us multiple times that he was “going to die anyway” and “why wait for the inevitable?” which were morbid thoughts.

Dumbledore notified us, over the coins, that he was taking Potter with him to find the horcrux and that tonight should be the night that he dies. Neither of us were very pleased with the upcoming plan but it was supposedly for the greater good.

The last dinner before the proper war started was tense, well at least it was for me. Draco and I kept catching each other’s eyes from across the hall and giving each other reassuring looks. He motioned for me to follow him out at the end. I nodded slightly, knowing that he wanted to say goodbye before shit hit the fan.

Draco walked out and, moments later, I followed him towards the room of requirements. He pulled me into the room as he quickly closed the door.

“If I don’t see you after this, please make sure you keep safe Ambry.” I smiled up at him, nodding slightly.

“I’ll be fine Draco. You know how to contact me if you need anything, right?” He nodded, showing me the coin that was kept in his pockets. I smiled, pressing my lips against his cheeks before I moved away from him.

“When this happens, don’t come out from hiding. You’ll be pretty high up on the hit list considering you’re a blood traitor and all. I’ll see you soon.” He said.

I began to walk out, waving over my shoulder before I heard him curse behind me. I turned around to ask him what was wrong, when I found myself pushed into yet another wall as his lips met mine in a kiss so passionate that I lost myself in it.

Pulling away, he kissed me again. Everything that he couldn’t say translated into that one kiss.

“Stay safe Draco, I’m expecting a date when this blows over.” I whispered against his lips as he rubbed my arms.

“Don’t die.” I winked at him and finally left the room of requirements, knowing that I wouldn’t see him until next summer at least.

 ***************************

 I didn’t return to Hogwarts the next year, scared for my life as a blood traitor and someone who was supposedly high on the hit list. I had my parents to blame for that one.

Instead, I went on the run and tried to hide out in the muggle world. Of course, I would have gone to a different country altogether, but Draco needed me here and I would stay to finish the plan.

Every night, since I first went on the run, I had begun to listen to Potterwatch (a corny name I know) to try and work out what was going on whilst I was away from it all. They had sent out a couple of messages already asking about my whereabouts and Dean Thomas’. Occasionally, they would send a message that involved some of the information that Draco had procured.

When Draco found any new information, he would tell me over the galleon, in a code we had made up, and then I would send it down the DA galleon that Hermione had given me two years ago, making sure that someone had got it.

It was in June that I finally went back as a call had gone out over Potterwatch to tell us that we needed to make our way into Hogsmeade and then Hogwarts immediately. I had apparated over to Hogsmeade, landing in the Hogs Head pub, before making my way into the castle, through a secret tunnel which came out inside the room of requirements.

The room had become a base for the DA members; hammocks lining the walls and a bathroom and kitchen set up for the students to make sure that they could be self-sufficient.

“Where did the information come from? About the attack tonight?” I heard Harry ask as he looked round the room, his eyes brushing over me as he did so.

“Got it over the DA galleon, thought it was one of you lot.” Lee Jordan, Potterwatch’s host, stated as he showed the coin which had my latest message on it.

“Then who sent it to you? How do we know that we can trust this information?” Harry asked.

“Harry.” I called, stepping past people to see him.

“Ambry, you’re okay.” Hermione said, pulling me into a hug. I nodded. I turned back to Harry before he could ask the same question.

“I’ve been the one sending the information.” Everyone’s eyebrows raised as they turned to me. I pulled the two galleon’s out of my pocket, showing him the DA one and my own.

“What?” Ron asked, his mouth open in shock.

“There was a plan, to help us win the war quicker. Only four people were in on it, one being me, another being Draco and Dumbledore. The last ones still working at the moment.” Everyone’s mouths hung open in shock as they stared at me. “Draco’s been sending me information from the inner circle of death eaters and then I’ve been sending it onto you guys.” Harry began to splutter at the new information.

“But what about Dumbledore?” Hermione prompted, staring at me.

“We had to make it look realistic. It was Dumbledore’s idea really, Draco and I just followed instructions.” I smiled weakly, before showing my own coin to Harry, with a message from Draco on it. “You’re not the only one who wants revenge Harry, a lot of us pure bloods have parents that have been forced into taking the dark mark, or tried to force us. We have people of our own to avenge. Just tell me where you want the Slytherins who are going to fight and I’ll make sure that everyone’s ready.”

 **************************

 There was a scream from outside the Great Hall and all of our heads shot up in an instant. I pulled the cloth over the young girls head before making my way over to Pansy as both of us began to head outside. Most of us who were from Slytherin, or pure blood families, stayed at the back so that our parents wouldn’t be able to see us. Sure we were betraying them, but we didn’t really want it publicly known.

Reaching Draco, who I hadn’t seen in over a year, I pushed my hand into his and both of us held onto one and other tightly. I didn’t want to look at Harry’s body, the sight too haunting as I watched the last hope lie there, dead.

Looking back out towards the Death Eaters, I saw my parents faces of complete and utter betrayal as they glared at me. I took in a sharp breath as I stared at them, clutching onto Draco’s hand even tighter than before. Whilst my parents might have disowned me, they still raised me for a large part of my life and I still hated to disappoint them, even after not being a part of their family for seven years.

Voldemort was talking, calling for people to come over and join him as the war was lost. He was already celebrating and we hadn’t even surrendered yet. His snake light eyes flickered dangerously, watching to see if any of us stepped forward. I saw, from the corner of my eyes, Narcissa step forward, her hand outstretched towards her son.

“Draco.” His mother called, motioning for Draco to walk towards them, and accept being a death eater. He stood his ground, wrapping his arms around me and keeping his eyes on the top of my head. I squeezed his waist in support as I looked at his chest.

They called again, this time louder, pleading with him to come to them. But still he refused, both of his hands holding onto my waist tightly. 

I knew this was hard for him, betraying his family and pushing all of his beliefs away as he stayed as still as a statue. I could feel his shaky breath brushing against my ears as we stood there for what seemed like hours.

Removing my head from Draco’s chest, I looked around, taking in the faces of the other students who stared at us. They all seemed shocked that Draco was standing with them and against his own flesh and blood. He had finally made his own choice on the matter.

His parents stopped calling, betrayal clear on their faces as they stared at their only son. Voldemort was visibly frustrated with the fact that Draco hadn’t re-joined them.

 *********************

 The battle had ended shortly after that, Voldemort being defeated by Harry and Bellatrix by Molly Weasley. My parents had been brought into custody and were going to be held on trial at a later date that I needed to attend. Draco’s parents, along with many of his friends parents were also dragged in to be held accountable for what they had done.

Draco and I were sitting on a large piece of stone, that had come off of one of the towers, clutching onto one and other as we stared out at the castle that once held our home. Draco placed a kiss to my head, as Molly Weasley walked up to us.

“Do you two have a place to go?” She asked kindly staring down at the two of us.

“Yeah, my apartment’s still intact. We’re going to stay there for a bit.” I replied, smiling up at the woman.

“I wanted to thank you.” She said, directly addressing Draco as she did so. Draco looked up, surprised that she was talking to him. After everything that he had said about their family in his younger years, he never expected the matriarch to even look at him. “For saving my son.”

I glanced over at the Weasley clan seeing that, sure enough, all of the children were still there, in one piece more or less. Draco began to shake his head, protesting that he didn’t need thanks. In his mind, he believed that saving Fred’s life was how he repaid them for all of the trouble that he had caused.

“Draco.” I looked at him, elbowing him in the ribs as I did so, to try and make him accept their thanks. He sighed, glancing down at me and then back at the kind face of Molly Weasley.

“That’s okay. But really, you don’t need to thank me.” He said, looking down at the ground as a hint of colour raised in his cheeks. He wasn’t used to getting thanks, neither of us were as it really wasn’t in our parents manners to do so.

“If there’s anything we can do for you, let us know.” Molly squeezed my arm, before moving back to her own family who hugged her tightly.

“Ready to go home Draco?” I asked the tall man, who was still unmoving besides me. His head snapped up, registering that I was talking to him. He squeezed my hand, smiling before bending down to kiss me softly.

“Whenever you are, darling.” I beamed up at him as we made our way out, towards one of the apparition points in Hogsmeade.

“I like that nickname.” He chuckled quietly as I giggled.

 **********************

 19 Years Later

 Kings Cross seemed to never become less chaotic. It was the first of September and all of the Hogwarts students were making their way to Platform 9 ¾ to board the train. Pushing past some muggle commuters who were trying to barge past my son and I, I lead Scorpius in the direction of the station wall.

Scorpius was practically bouncing with excitement as he looked at the station in awe. I chuckled lightly, placing my hands on his shoulders as we got closer to the platform entrance.

“Malfoy.” Someone called from behind me and I turned to see the Potter’s making their way towards me. I waved, bringing Scorpius to a stop as I did so. Harry and Ginny finally reached me, their children trailing behind them, staring at me in confusion.

“It’s good to see you again Potter. How have you been?” He nodded at my statement, smiling at Scorpius.

“I’ve been good, busy with work and all. How about you?” He replied, motioning to the baby bump that was showing underneath my flowery dress. I laughed, stroking the top of the bump.

“Yeah, good. Just sending this one off to Hogwarts for his first year.” I pulled Scorpius closer to me as he smiled widely.

“Really?” Ginny asked. “Well, we’re sending Albus off for his first year as well.” I waved to Albus, who was looking slightly nervous.

“Darling!” A voice called, followed by a chuckle as I felt my husband’s arms slip around my waist. “Potter, good to see you again.”

Our pair of twins, Lucy and Mickey, also collided into the two of us before running off with their older brother.

All of our children had inherited the Malfoy blonde hair and grey eyes, with only a hint of me in their looks. I was, however, holding out hopes for the next child to look like me instead of Draco.

“Malfoy.” Potter replied, shaking his hand as we all walked in the direction of the platform, chattering amongst ourselves as we did so. We went through the barrier first, before waving to the Potter’s and making our way a bit further down to where Pansy and Blaise were also standing with their own kids. We said hello to them before helping Scorpius put his stuff onto the train.

“Remember to write at some point please.” I reminded my oldest as I pressed a kiss to his head. Draco wrapped him into a hug as well, before I handed him a bag of sweets for the train. “Make some friends whilst your at it.” I winked at Scorpius as he laughed, before giving me one last hug and boarding the train.

I heard a grunt from behind me, and watched as the six-year-old twins, who had tried to run after their brother, were restrained by Draco. Taking Lucy out of Draco’s arms, I held her against my waist as our little family waved at Scorpius.

We wouldn’t see him again until the Christmas holidays, if he even wanted to come back. The train left the station and disappeared around the bend in the tracks and we waited until we couldn’t see it anymore. 

“Do you think he’ll be okay?” Draco asked, worried due to his own experience at school, and what others may think about him due to his family name.

“He’s a Malfoy and an Ambry, he’ll give them hell.” I said, beginning to lead Draco out of the station by the arm, and back towards the car. He had become a bit more worried after becoming a father, but I was pretty sure that Scorpius was going to have a lot of fun and make a lot of friends.

“I’m sure you’re right Mrs Malfoy.” Draco said as he buckled the twins into their car seats and opened the door for me. 

“I’m always right Draco.” I pressed a quick kiss to his lips before he shut the car door. I knew in my heart that everything was going to be okay.

[myaekingheart]

115. Exalting the Comrade in Arms

read the scarecrow and the bell on ao3 index | from the beginning | < previous | next > 

               Rei sat at the kitchen table staring off into the distance, coming to terms with this new, sharp turn her life had taken. Kakashi glanced at her over his shoulder as he cleaned up dinner, throwing whatever leftovers they had in the fridge and wiping down the mess. Toshio followed dutifully behind, desperate for scraps. No longer able to deny him, Kakashi tossed the dog a stray noodle before securing the lid on the container and closing the fridge. When he looked back once more, Rei remained pensive. “Are you okay?” he finally asked. He knew she likely wasn’t, but at least she had stopped crying.  

               Nodding slowly, Rei murmured “Yeah…yeah, I’m alright.” Her mind focused less on her menstruation—it was over, there was nothing else to be done—and more now on what was to come the next morning. How could she possibly face Lady Tsunade after all of this? Did she even still want this? But she had already accepted the promotion—in a daze, yes, but accepted nonetheless. There was no way she could back out now. Besides, this was what the universe clearly wanted. If it hadn’t been, she never would’ve gotten her period. Fate made the decision for her, whether she liked it or not. Now all that was left to do was face this strange, new future. “Hey, Kakashi…?” she whispered after a long stretch of silence. Kakashi raised a brow, sitting beside her, giving her his undivided attention. “Can you…I mean, you’re more experienced with this than I am so, um…do you think you could give me some…advice?”

               “Advice?” he repeated. Rei gave him an affirmative, pleading look. “What kind of advice?”

               “I don’t know” Rei replied, “Just…tell me what it was like for you. Being captain, I mean. Were you scared? Did you ever feel like maybe they had made a mistake? How did you cope with the pressure?”

               Kakashi sucked in a deep breath. He didn’t really want to think about the darkness that encumbered him back then, the emotionlessness of it all. He was so cold and unyielding. Truthfully, he never coped at all. He merely buried everything deep inside of himself, taking on the brunt of the responsibility with seemingly no issue only to take out his frustrations on others. He thought of the many he had killed, the corpses that littered the ground after each mission. Back then, he would not hesitate to kill anyone who so much as looked at him the wrong way. In retrospect, he couldn’t fathom how he could have ever been so cruel. His love for Rei had made him rather soft, he supposed. The thought of love, however, dug up nasty feelings about the way he handled himself back then. Nauseating memories of Konoha’s red-light district, of a woman in a satin negligee who he used and abused once a week. Things he never had the guts to admit to Rei. This woman had meant nothing to him, after all. She was only a vessel, an empty space, an object. And when he was finished and they’d lie together until her next client came in, all he could think about was Rei. That was his coping mechanism: taking his frustrations out on an innocent bystander and all the while imagining someone else. There was no way he could ever tell Rei of his transgressions. He was young and dumb and overflowing with unbridled angst. He would have to find a way around the truth to answer her question. He would, unfortunately, have to lie.

               “Being a captain…” Kakashi started, “was a lot of responsibility. While I may have been skilled enough for the job, I don’t think I was emotionally prepared for it so I don’t think I coped as well as you will.” Okay, so perhaps it wasn’t a total lie. He did have faith in her ability to not only do this job but to do this job well. She had proven herself, hadn’t she? If Tsunade thought she was prepared, then who were they to question her judgment?

               “I feel so pathetic for being scared” Rei replied.

               “Well, this is a big step in your career” Kakashi assured her, resting a hand on her forearm. “You have every right to be nervous. If it means anything to you, though, I think you’re going to do just fine.”

               Rei eyed him curiously, wanting to believe him, but it was so hard to take the compliment. “Do you really mean that, or are you only telling me that because you feel obligated to as my fiancé?” she then asked.

               Kakashi leaned back, almost offended, and shook his head. “If I didn’t think you were cut out for this, I would tell you” he replied. “You know I would never let you step foot into something you were unprepared for, especially something that comes with so much danger.”

               It was that word, danger, that stuck out to her the most. This was dangerous. A dangerous job and a dangerous new set of responsibilities. Every time she was put in charge of something, it seemed as if Rei attracted nothing but danger. Nothing but death and disaster. She closed her eyes and sucked in a deep breath as the image of Naru’s dead body flickered in the back of her mind. “I just need to know that I won’t be leading people to their deaths” she whispered. “I just…I can’t go through that again. I can’t have that on my conscience.”

               “Rei…” Kakashi murmured. He shifted his hand to her back, rubbing gently. His heart broke for her. He knew all too well the specific brand of pain she was facing, the way that here, even four years later, she was still utterly and completely traumatized. “I know it’s scary, but that was just one mission out of how many in the past eight years?” he started. Rei hated to admit that he had a point. “Maybe you weren’t prepared for a leadership position back then, but things are different now. You’ve grown so much and worked so hard. And besides, if it makes you feel any better, you’ll have a lieutenant working by your side, too.”

               On one hand, the promise of a lieutenant brought with it a sense of relief. The power would not rest solely on her shoulders. She would have someone to conspire with on battle tactics, someone to fight alongside her and share the brunt of the responsibility. On the other hand, however, this further brought up yet another point of contention: who, exactly, her lieutenant would be.

               There were really only three options: Yugao, Mikazuki, or Tenzo. Rei tossed and turned all night weighing the pros and cons of each. The whole of her morning commute was spent further dissecting their merit.

               Yugao was strong and capable and had worked under Kakashi on Team Ro so Rei believed deep down that she was trustworthy enough for the position. Her and Yugao had worked together plenty of times, but Rei had yet to see her in any real position of power. Would she even be up to the task? Could she handle the pressure? She had been so stoic since Hayate’s death, almost even resolving to simply riding the wave of someone else’s leadership rather than taking the reins on her own. Rei wasn’t even sure how much passion she still felt for her career after losing her love. She would never be able to live with herself if she had forced Yugao into a serious commitment like this without her utmost dedication and approval.

               Mikazuki was a formidable opponent, highly intelligent and possessing a powerful dojutsu. Out of everyone in the ANBU, Mikazuki was the one that Rei probably considered herself the closest with which meant that their chemistry would likely benefit their leadership capabilities. As incredible as the shinkantazagan’s power is, however, it’s also rare and valuable. Mikazuki’s innate abilities not only made her easily identifiable but could also turn her into a target for the enemy. She had already been captured once before. Rei wasn’t sure she had the strength to risk losing yet another dear friend on the battlefield.

               And then there was Tenzo, a former member of the Foundation who had been a part of the ANBU for heaven only knew how long. Rei knew very little about his past but it seemed as if he ate, slept, and breathed the black ops. As if he knew nothing else, had never lived any other way. Another former member of Team Ro, Rei knew without a shadow of a doubt that she could trust Tenzo in a position of power alongside her. The only issue was that, interpersonally, she did not know him well enough. She had never bothered to spend enough time with him to become well-acquainted with who he was and even how he worked. Was his merit worth jeopardizing their leadership abilities due to faulty compatibility? Rei wasn’t sure.

               Tsunade tented her fingers and smiled softly as Rei stepped foot into the hokage’s office that morning. “I hope you’re still up for that promotion” Tsunade replied. “We need ANBU captains now more than ever, and I can’t think of anyone else more fitting for the role than you.”

               “That’s a pretty hefty compliment” Rei murmured, rubbing the back of her neck anxiously. “But I appreciate your faith in me” she quickly added so as not to sound ungrateful.

               Tsunade picked up on Rei’s uncertainty, cocking a brow in suspicion. “You’re not getting cold feet now, are you?” she asked. Yesterday, Rei had seemed so bright and optimistic. It was that attitude that further confirmed Tsunade’s comfort in promoting her. Now, however, she wasn’t so sure. If Rei wasn’t confident in her abilities, then Tsunade couldn’t be confident in this promotion.

               Rei’s eyes widened, holding her hands up in surrender. “No, no, no! Absolutely not!” she stammered. It wasn’t a complete lie, at least. No matter what, she could not reveal to Tsunade her overwhelming anxiety about this. She would just have to bury it deep down, put on a brave face, pretend like this was exactly what she had been longing for. She felt her stomach clench as if in response to her lie. Straightening her back, she composed herself with a serious expression and asked, “What are the next steps that need to be taken for this?”

               Shuffling through some paperwork, Tsunade explained, “I’ll assign you a team of new recruits fresh out of Ishoku next week.” Ishoku. Rei had nearly forgotten about the training subdivision. She wondered who was training her new team now. It made sense for Kakashi to train her when she was inducted—he had already been captain for years. None of this was necessarily new to him. But Rei was fresh meat, inexperienced. Teaching was not her priority—leading was. She wasn’t quite sure which she may have preferred. “In the meantime” Tsunade continued, “it would be worth your while to brush up on your own training and find someone to act as your lieutenant.”

               “Right, of course” Rei nodded. “Kakashi brought that up last night, actually.”

               A small smile tugged at the corner of Tsunade’s mouth. She wasn’t surprised in the slightest at the mention of Kakashi’s involvement. In fact, she had fully expected him to guide and assist her as she navigated this new role. That was part of the reason she felt so comfortable with promoting Rei in the first place. Kakashi was a legendary shinobi and his time as captain served as a model for the rest of the ANBU. With him as her mentor, Tsunade knew that Rei was in good hands.

               “Now, picking a lieutenant isn’t a requirement” Tsunade explained. “Kakashi certainly didn’t have one when he was a captain. With that said, for someone new to this position of power such as yourself, I find it helps to balance out the responsibility a bit. Lieutenants can help alleviate some anxiety and provide support for when you’re first starting out.”

               Rei nodded. God, did she understand the importance of that. “If it’ll help me make the best possible decisions” she started, “then by all means, a lieutenant would be best.” Especially if they keep me from leading innocent people to their deaths, she thought to herself. The thought of having someone there to stop her if she was about to make a leadership mistake was truly comforting.

               “Consider your options carefully” Tsunade warned. “And try to have an answer for me by Friday morning.”

               Rei gave a single, affirmative nod before departing for headquarters. Friday morning. That gave her three full days, counting the present, to make her decision. As she descended the stairs an stepped out into the light, she felt her throat tighten. The pressure was overwhelming. If only someone could make the decision for her, if Tsunade could just assign someone to work alongside her, but Rei knew that that wasn’t right. If she was to be in charge, she needed to start making smart and clear-cut decisions. This was her first test of strength.

               The minute she stepped into the ANBU headquarters, she caught sight of Tenzo walking down the hall with a few other men that Rei did not recognize. Sucking in a deep breath, she reached out and called his name.

               “Rei?” he asked, almost as if he was confused to see her there. There was a look of such deep focus on her face, a strong sense of purpose. “Is everything alright?” They never talked outside of missions, so her flagging him down certainly struck him as odd. The confusion on his face was, perhaps, meant to be a warning sign that this was a bad idea.

               “Yeah, yeah, everything’s fine” Rei reassured. “I was just wondering, uh, do you have a minute? I wanted to talk with you about something, if that’s alright.”

               Tenzo glanced to his comrades, who made faces at each other as if he was not actually in a relationship. He considered his options a moment before urging them to go on without him. He seemed, however, mildly disappointed he could not continue on with them and Rei began to reconsider her plan but it was too late. Once they were alone, Tenzo turned his attention back to Rei. “What did you want to talk about?” he asked.

               In this newfound privacy, Rei felt a jolt of ice slither down her spine. How was she even supposed to start this? We don’t really know each other that well but hey, want to be my lieutenant? Ridiculous. She stood there opening and closing her mouth for a moment, trying to find the right words, but none of the options seemed to fit right in her mouth. They all sounded so abrupt and strange, so inappropriate. Finally, after she was certain Tenzo was about to combust with concern, she croaked, “H-how long have you been in the ANBU?”

               “Uh, as long as I can remember” Tenzo chuckled nervously. “Why do you ask? Are you writing some sort of tell-all for the black ops newsletter?”

               “Oh, no, I just—” Rei started, but her mind quickly snagged on something else. “Wait a sec, there’s a black ops newsletter? Since when?” Tenzo blinked despondently, realizing the joke clearly went over her head. Rei considered the idea for a moment, almost offended that no one had brought this up to her before, but quickly dismissed the thought. She shook her head, swatted at the air, tried to refocus. “Whatever, it’s not important” she muttered. “What is important, however, is that—”

               Before she could finish her sentence, she felt a strong gaze boring holes into her back. Turning slowly, she caught none other than Mikazuki approaching. “Hello, Tenzo” she said, eyes downcast. She quickly leaned up to place a shy little peck on his cheek, then nodded towards Rei’s direction. “I hope I didn’t interrupt anything. What, um…what were you both talking about?”

               It suddenly became horrifically clear to Rei that perhaps Mikazuki had misinterpreted the situation. The laughter, the awkward joking, it was all too suspicious. Rei in no way wanted to appear as if she was trying to steal another woman’s man and getting on Mikazuki’s bad side was a recipe for disaster. The weight of that little list in the back of Rei’s mind grew heavier.

               “Rei was just asking me about my experience in the ANBU” Tenzo replied. Immediately after he said this, though, he began to second-guess himself. Rei’s intentions were ambiguous at best and suspicious at worst. What was her angle? What was she really after? He wasn’t sure he even wanted to know. Clearing his throat anxiously, he added in a mutter, “Or something like that.”

               Mikazuki pursed her lips as she gave a minute nod. “That’s nice…” she murmured.

               “Yeah, I’m just, uh…” Rei started, awkwardly. She searched the air for the proper excuse, the best way to get out of this. Tenzo was a bust and if she was to have any chance of salvaging Mikazuki’s potential, she needed to save face. “Just writing an editorial for the black ops newsletter” Rei jested, forcing a friendly smile.

               Tenzo stifled a chuckle as Mikazuki looked to the two of them, completely lost. “Th-there’s a black ops newsletter?”

               “Hmm? Oh, no! No, it’s just, uh…just a joke” Tenzo replied, rubbing the back of his neck. Mikazuki clearly remained skeptical and suspicious.

               “So, uh, I better get going” Rei started, shoving her hands in her pockets. She slowly backed away as she spoke, trying to appear as charismatic and unaffected as humanly possible. “Oh, hey, here’s an idea! Why don’t you guys join Kakashi and I for dinner one of these nights? Does barbecue sound good? I’m sure Kakashi would love to see you both. It’s been a minute, right? Just let me know when is good for you guys and we can all sync our schedules! I’m thinking Friday nights, but whatever works for you, you know? But whatever, we’ll iron out the details later!” As she departed, her back slammed into the door to the women’s locker room. The doorknob hit her right in the spine with a sharp, shooting pain. She groaned through her smile, presenting a tense thumbs-up, before turning into the solace of the locker room. Once alone, she sunk down onto one of the rickety wooden benches and dug the heels of her hands into her eyes. “Motherfucker” she groaned.

               “Rough morning already?” a voice asked from overhead.

               Rei squinted past the glare of the ceiling light to find Yugao looming over her. A sly grin touched her lips, hands planted firmly on her hips. “You have no idea” Rei complained.

               Skirting around the bench, Yugao took a seat beside Rei and asked, “Do you want to talk about it? Or is it the kind of stuff you don’t really want to bother other people with?”

               “No, no, it’s fine” Rei sighed. She rubbed her eyes and stretched her sore back, leaning forward to rest her forearms on her knees. “I’m just…in a weird place right now. Forced to answer questions that I don’t know the answer to. It’s like…it’s like that feeling when you stay up all night studying for a classic lit test only for the teacher to hand out a biology test instead. You feel totally blindsided and unprepared.”

               Yugao laughed softly and shook her head. “I trust you with the classic lit” she commented. “But biology? Not so much.”

               A bittersweet laugh broke past Rei’s somber, stressed exterior as she raked her fingers through her bangs. “I’ve got a big decision to make and not a lot of time to make it” she sighed. “I don’t feel like I’m cut out for this sort of thing, and it scares me. Like whatever I decide is going to have a profound effect on the way I handle things moving forward, and my reputation as a shinobi. Peoples lives could be at stake and I just…don’t know if I’m ready for this. It just all feels so heavy.”

               A fizzle of something profound surged between them in that moment, a shared understanding about loss and grief. Yugao sucked in a sharp breath. “I know what you mean” she sighed. “You tell yourself not to think about everything that could go wrong, but in the back of your mind it’s always there nagging at you. That squeaky little voice asking ‘what if you fuck up? What if someone else dies?’”

               “Exactly” Rei nodded. “I just hate feeling so unsure of myself. I don’t want to make a mistake, but I feel like I already have by getting all mixed up in this.”

               “What exactly are you mixed up in?” Yugao finally asked.

               As much as Rei had wanted to keep her mouth shut, she couldn’t keep it to herself any longer. The secret was stewing deep within her chest, raring to eat her alive. Sitting here with Yugao like this made her feel trusting anyway. Whether or not she should embrace that trust, however, she did not know but much like a surge of vomit, she couldn’t stop it from coming now. Rei toyed with the bandage at her thigh as she explained, “Lady Tsunade has promoted me to captain.”

               “She did?” Yugao replied. There was a sense of disbelief in her voice, but pleasantly so. “That’s so great, I’m so happy for you. But also, god, that’s such a huge responsibility. No wonder you’re anxious.”

               Rei had never expected the strength of relief she felt in finally admitting the news. Sure, Kakashi knew but he knew everything. She was not afraid to be open with him. She knew he would never judge her and besides, he was not within this circle any longer anyway. His knowing was inconsequential. A bittersweet laugh broke past Rei’s lips. “I still don’t even know if I’m ready for this” she admitted. “But at least the leadership won’t be entirely on my shoulders. I’ll have a lieutenant.”

               “Of course” Yugao nodded.

               “Lady Tsunade is giving me until Friday morning to take my pick” Rei replied.

               “Do you know who you’re going to pick?” Yugoa asked. There was never a hint of insinuation in her tone, never a lurking persuasiveness begging for Rei to pick her and in tht, it seemed Rei’s growing suspicions had thus been solidified.

               “You know…” she started, toeing the groutlines in the floor. “When I woke up this morning, my answer would’ve been a solid no. I had ideas but no real plan. But now…now I think I know exactly who I’d pick.” A surge of anxiety coursed through Rei’s veins—she never expected to be so nervous about the proposal. She wondered if this was how Kakashi felt he when he asked her to marry him, even if this wasn’t quite the same. Rei could feel Yugao’s expectant gaze awaiting her answer. She couldn’t afford to screw this up. She couln’t afford to waste anymore time. Looking Yugao in the eyes, Rei replied, “I was thinking it should be you.”

               Yugao leaned back a moment, considering the offer. This was truly a monumental request and she was honored that Rei would even consider her as an option. They were not the closest of all the girls in the ANBU, but they worked well together. They had a chemistry that was highly important in positions such as this. After a few moments of deliberation, Yugao gave a single nod. “Alright” she said. She tried to remain dignified and composed—after all, she was now face to face with her superior—but she could not fight the pleased smile threatening her lips. “I humbly accept.”

               An incredulous laugh bubbled up from deep within Rei’s chest, the relief washing over her like a wave at high tide. She, too, remained composed, however. She extended a hand for a firm handshake, which Yugao dutifully reciprocated. “I look forward to working with you, Ms. Uzuki” she smiled.

               “And I to you, Ms. Natsuki” Yugao replied. “Or would it be Mrs. Hatake?”

               “Well, I’m not married yet” Rei laughed.

               Yugao swatted at the air and shook her head. “Oh well, it doesn’t matter” she replied. Her laughter toned down then as she looked Rei in the eyes, and in her gaze was a certain sincerity, deep and moving. “Thank you, Rei, for this opportunity. I can’t think of anyone better to work alongside.”

               “I can’t think of anyone better to be my lieutenant” Rei replied. The sirens blared down the hallway, a sign that their time was up. Sentimental exchanges would have to wait. They had work to do.

               Rei strapped her gauntlets to her forearms and secured her boots to her feet as Yugao made her way toward the exit. With a hand resting on the doorknob, however, she hesitated before looking back over her shoulder. “Hey, Rei” she called. Rei looked up expectantly. A tender smile touched Yugao’s face. “I think you’re going to make a really great captain. Honestly.”

[bensboynton]

Perfectly Flawed b.h

hi hello!!! @kellysimagines sent in a really cute prompt and i just finished it, so here it is :)

the borhap cast is involved in a lot of this one

female!reader x ben hardy

word count: 4.8k

warnings: fluffy, angsty, mentions of infidelity (DO NOT CHEAT ON YOUR S/O) unedited

“Hey babe, going out with the boys for a drink tonight after we’re done filming for the day. Don’t wait up for me, I’ll be late. Love you.”

You removed the phone from its place on the side of your face, anxiousness gnawing at the insides of your stomach that sprouted from the harshness of your boyfriend’s voice. And that you had barely seen him at all this week, the third night in a row he was going out.

He left early in the morning for “a workout” or to “auditions” or whatever else he could come up with an excuse, and either didn’t get home until you were long asleep or would come in for five minutes to change and leave again.

You had been living with Ben for almost a year now, and saying you were in love with him would be the understatement of the year. You were completely smitten.

Everyone around you constantly spoke about how you had literal hearts in your eyes every time you looked at him, how you were the perfect couple, blah blah. And you believed it for a long time. But the last week has made the foundations of your relationship begin to crumble in your brain.

Every Tuesday, you and Ben go out to eat somewhere and stop at an ice cream parlor near your shared Townhouse after, but he canceled this week. He claimed he “forgot” and made plans that day even though you’ve been doing it every week since you started dating. That was three years ago.

And then the one day you saw him after work, he was distant. Said he was “too tired” to watch one of his favorite movies of all time with you. At first, you gave him the benefit of the doubt. But now your mind was beginning to turn to the worst.

You texted the first person to come to mind, desperate for human contact. You sent a loving paragraph to your best friend, Lucy, asking if she could come over for a much-needed girls night, but she sadly declined. She had plans to go out to eat with Rami.

Must be nice spending time with your boyfriend.

You shook your head and scolded yourself for having so little trust in the loyalty of your boyfriend. But, you couldn’t help to wonder what was going on. He used to go out once a week, at most, and now he’s going out every other day?

You weren’t having it.

Picking up your cell phone again, you scrolled to Joe’s contact in your phone. You chewed your lip, weighing the pros and cons in your head.

You could leave it alone and put your trust in your boyfriend, or call one of your mutual best friends and see if Ben was really out to drink with him. I mean, it’s not like you were accusing Ben of anything just by calling. Plus, you were worried about his safety.

And also if he was fucking another woman. But you tried to push those thoughts from your mind.

You deserved to know, especially after being ditched and denied quality time again and again. He would creep in after midnight, and you’d wake up to him in his sweatpants at the far end of the bed.

You had dropped plenty of hints of how much you wanted to spend time with him, how much you missed being around him and he seemed to ignore it. At the time, you shook it off as you being clingy. But the more you thought about it, the angrier and more abandoned you felt. You deserve an explanation!

So, in a burst of impulse, you clicked on Joe’s contact, your stomach doing backflips as you waited for him to pick up.

“Hello?” you heard a concerned voice on the other line, “Y/N are you okay? You never call me.”

“Hey! Yeah, yeah I’m good I just…” you trailed off, noticing the odd silence of the background, “where are you?”

“Home. Rami and Lucy are over and we’re eating dinner. Why? Do you need me to come over?”

“No! No, it’s okay. I just thought you were with Ben.”

“What? Was I supposed to be with Ben?”

You felt tears welling up in your eyes before you blinked them away. Maybe Ben just hadn’t invited Joe. No big deal.

“No, it’s nothing. Thanks, Joe. I’ll see you tomorrow for lunch,” you were short with him, ending the phone call abruptly. I guess it didn’t make sense for Joe to go out with Ben when you and Joe had planned a little brunch get together.

You repeated the process, listening to the ringing before another familiar, yet British voice popped up on the phone.

“Y/N! How are you love?” Gwilym spoke cheerily into the phone. Still, the same silence in the background.

You felt your heartbeat begin to quicken in your chest again, “Hey, Gwil. Just wanted to check if you were out with Ben?”

“Me? No, I haven’t heard from Ben in a few days actually. Why, what’s going on?” Gwil asked, his cheerful voice slowly quieting as he heard the distress in yours.

“It’s nothing Gwil. Have a good night, I hope I get to see you soon.” You mumbled quickly into the phone, praying that Gwil didn’t catch the large crack in your voice.

But, to your dismay, he tried calling you back a minute later. You let the phone ring, taking a deep breath and wiping the one lone tear off of your cheek. One last phone call to make. One last chance.

Ben’s childhood best friend Sam was supposed to be coming into town soon to visit, and you were banking on the idea that he got an earlier flight. You were crossing your fingers that they were together at some bar dancing and singing really bad karaoke. You were about to get on your knees and pray to any God that that’s what was going on.

You rung him up, using all your energy to hold back tears.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Sam! It’s Y/N.”

“Oh Christ, Y/N! How are you love, it’s been a while since I’ve heard from you.”

“I’m doing great actually,” you lied through your teeth, fidgeting with the ends of your hair, “I just needed to call and ask if you were with Ben by chance?”

“Ben? As in Benjamin Jones?”

“Yes, that’s the one.” You added a mechanical laugh for effect.

“Is Ben flying into London to see me? I’m sitting in my flat right now darling.” You could hear the confusion seeping from Sam’s voice.

“Ah. Okay. Thank you, Sam.”

You ended the phone call before placing your phone on the couch, breaking down into a mess of tears. You had just called all the people that Ben would normally consider getting drinks with, and none of them were with him.

Your mind quickly turned back to all the many scenarios you had hoped to God weren’t true. After a long while of crying on the couch in your living room, you changed into a sweatshirt and sleep shorts, making your way back to the bedroom you shared with Ben.

You sat down under the covers with a random episode of Friends playing off of Netflix, not really focusing on it. Your mind was racing at a million miles a minute. Were you not good enough for Ben? You knew you weren’t perfect, but was it stupid for you to believe him when he told you he loved you?

You were so absorbed in your thoughts, you didn’t hear Ben enter the house, only noticing as he crept into the bedroom.

You quickly closed your eyes, calming your breathing pattern. You felt Ben walk around to your side of the bed to make sure you were asleep, before turning to put on something comfier for bed.

You heard his phone start to vibrate on the dresser, and a whispered “shit” as he grabbed the phone and quietly responded to the phone call. There were a few mumbled “yeah’s” and “okays” and “sounds goods” and a long silence before he started speaking again.

“Thank you so much for this, Jessica,” your breathing hitched in your chest as he continued talking into his phone, “I appreciate all of this so much.” There was another pause.

“No! No, it was perfect. I promise. Why would I lie to you?”

Jessica. So it was true. The man who you told all your friends was the love of his life, the man you told you mom you wanted to marry. He was cheating on you with another woman.

Your brain was telling you to “wake up” and talk to him rationally, quietly, and express your emotions in a healthy way but your heart was so shattered you couldn’t move. You sat there for a while, waiting to hear the soft sounds of Ben snoring before getting out of bed. You grabbed your phone and a random pair of gym shoes, practically running out of the house.

Ben, of course, didn’t stir. He was a heavy sleeper, always was. You were almost jealous of the way he was able to sleep at night, not giving you a second thought.

You shakily called an Uber to your townhouse, even though you had a car. Your eyes were blurry with tears, and your arms were shaking, so you couldn’t trust yourself to drive. You sat down on the stairs near your doorstep as you waited for the red Toyota to pick you up.

You tried to calm yourself down as much as possible, but you couldn’t. You were shivering in the oddly brisk LA air and could taste the saltiness of your tears.

Your Uber arrived extremely fast, and you stepped into the backseat. The driver looked to say something but saw how puffy and slicked your face was with tears before turning back around. Thank God he took a hint.

He stayed silent for the entire ride until you were suddenly standing in front of Joe’s home. Rami’s Audi was parked near the curb, and you sighed a shaky breath of relief that you were far away from Ben and that house.

Never thought you would say you were glad to be away from Ben.

“Have a good night. Hope you feel better,” your Uber driver said with a slight wave and sympathetic smile. You returned the favor, walking up the stairs to Joe’s house, knocking three times.

“Joe, are you expecting anyone?” you heard Rami bellow through the house, obviously tipsy on white wine.

“No. Maybe they did a late delivery on my amazon package.”

“Was it your sex toys?”

“Rami!” Joe scolded in disapproval.

“I’ll get it,” Lucy hummed, opening the lock and swinging the door open cheerfully. She had a beautiful, content grin on her sweet face before she went slightly pale at the sight of you on the doorstep.

You were shaking, bawling your eyes out in the ugliest sweatshirt you owned with a pair of mismatching socks and a very thin layer of sweat clinging to your skin from your rattling sobs.

“Oh my fucking god,” she muttered, rushing out the door to wrap you in her arms, “Y/N, baby what’s wrong? What happened?” you just started crying harder at the sound of your best friend’s voice.

“Did I hear ‘Y/N?’ Why is she here-” Joe began before gasping at the sight of you collapsing in Lucy’s arms at the door.

Rami and Joe both ran up behind Lucy and helped lead you to the couch. Your throat and chest were beginning to tighten from the constant crying, and you just wanted to go to sleep and forget about all of this.

Rami and Lucy were on either side of you, comforting you gently instead of pestering you with questions. Joe walked swiftly from the kitchen, a glass of water in hand before sitting in front of you. You could see the pain on his face from seeing you like this.

You had known Joe, Rami, and Lucy from when you went with Ben on the set of Bohemian Rhapsody, as well as the other cast. You had gotten really close with everyone, and you considered them all your family.

“Sorry for interrupting your little get together,” you sniffled, trying to hold back sobs.

“No, don’t say that you weren’t interrupting anything,” Rami comforted you quickly, rubbing your back assuringly. He always had a comforting aura but for some reason, his calming persona didn’t seem to be helping.

“I-I just didn’t know where else to go,” you spoke, your voice cracking as a few more tears escaped your eyes. The same eyes Ben used to look into every time he said he loved you.

“It’s me and Ben.”

Lucy’s grasp on your hand tightened and Joe’s eyes went wide, “What do you mean?” Lucy asked quietly, her voice overly quiet.

“He’s been going out the get drinks almost every day this week, which isn’t a big deal. But he’s just been distant and cold for a while and I…” you trailed off, sobs working their way back up your throat and you started to cry again.

Rami, Lucy, and Joe were so silent you could drop a pin on the floor and it would probably hurt your ears it’d be so loud.

“He told me he was going out for drinks tonight with ‘the boys,’ so I called Joe, Gwil, and Sam to see if he was with him and they all said no.”

Your three best friends just nodded, an idea of what happened started to grow in the pits of their mind.

“And he came home late, so I pretended to be asleep to avoid a conversation with him,” you paused, taking a shaky deep breath in, “and someone called him, so he answered and starting thanking this girl named Jessica and talking about how perfect ‘it’ was and I just- I ran.”

Lucy put a hand to her mouth and Joe’s jaw dropped, their shock somehow adding to the painful silence in the room. Joe stood up slowly and walked to gaze out the window onto the street in front of his house. You were feeling so much, yet so little you felt like you were going to disintegrate.

“That son of a bitch,” Joe sighed from his spot looking out the window. He let out a huff of disbelief, “I thought he would be better than this. Truly.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Rami said to no one in particular, struggling to wipe the shocked look off his face. You looked up to meet Lucy’s eyes who her glazed over in tears.

“I can’t believe he would do something like this…” Lucy trailed off, “especially to Y/N.” Her voice cracked as she pulled you into a tight hug. You slowly looked back up at Joe who was pacing.

“I’m gonna kill him for that. What a piece of shit!” Joe was starting to angrier as time passed, “give me one second,” he mumbled, walking out the door and dialing a number on his phone.

A few minutes later, Joe walks back inside, his face slightly red and out of breath from yelling into the phone and walking back to meet you on the couch.

“He’s asleep but I just left a very unpleasant voicemail for him to wake up to,” Joe mumbled, pulling out his phone again, “I’m calling Gwil and Allen just so they know not to be to nice to him.”

“I think that’s a good idea,” Rami said, a wave of newfound anger in his normally soft voice. He typed furiously into his phone, and Lucy followed his lead. You glanced at their phones to see them practically typing novels in your defense at Ben.

“I’m so, so sorry Y/N. You deserve better than that.” Lucy said, pulling you into another hug before the quiet was interrupted by Joe again. He burst into the room, slightly out of breath.

“So, Gwil and Allen are apparently on the way over right now, so just to warn you all,” Joe sighed, plopping down on the chair next to the couch.

You absentmindedly snuggled up to Lucy as Rami covered both of you with a blanket, and Joe turned on your favorite movie on Netflix to try and bring some comfort to you.

They didn’t really know what to say, so they tried to make up for their lack of words with all the comfort they could possibly offer.

You had been so scared that you’d show up and tell them what you heard and they wouldn’t believe you, or maybe not care. After all, they knew Ben better and were really close to him. You knew it was irrational to think these things because they were your best friends, but your entire existence was irrational at this point.

You were starting to fall asleep leaning against Lucy when there was an aggressive knock at the door. Joe leaped up to answer it to reveal Gwilym and Allen standing at the door.

“Where’s Ben? Is he here? I want to kick him in the nuts,” Allen spoke aggressively, his hard expression softening immediately at the sight of you.

You were crying again at the idea and sight of all your best friends gathered in the same spot to support you and be there for you. You walked over and quickly hugged Gwilym and Allen before they took off their jackets and made themselves at home in Joe’s house.

“Just want to be clear, do you need to talk about it? Because if so let’s get that done with before we start Titanic. I want to bask in all of Leo’s glory, uninterrupted.” Joe spoke, trying to lift the heavy mood in the room with a joke. You let out a breathy laugh before meeting the bluish-green eyes of Lucy.

“Let’s talk about it.”

And that you did.

You all sat there and you told them all about Ben’s weird behavior the past few days, the phone call, all of it. They all sat around with you quietly with open ears, drinking in the details of the recent events, silently nodding or expressing their anger when it was appropriate.

“I-I just don’t know what to do. Where to go,” you said, choking on tears in the back of your throat.

“Y/N, you have a home with all of us until you figure out where to go. We’ll go beat up Ben- I mean, we’ll settle this situation calmly tomorrow,” Gwil began, “but for now I think we should all just watch Titanic and simultaneously fall in love with Leonardo DiCaprio.”

You laughed, a smile creeping onto your face for the first time in quite a few hours. “There she is. There’s that famous Y/N smile.” Rami said from next to you, pulling you into a side hug.

Joe turned on the movie, sitting in the chair to the left of the couch alone, while Allen and Rami sat on the floor in front of the coffee table. Gwil and Lucy were on either side of you on the couch, and you’re not quite sure when, but you were eventually lulled to sleep. The comforting voice of Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio kept you company, while you were also surrounded by the group of people you love most in the world.

You were at peace. For now.

--

“Ben, I promise you she doesn’t wanna see you.”

“None of us do, actually.”

“You’re a piece of shit Ben. If I didn’t have any common sense I would-”

“Joe, not now.”

“Right. Sorry.”

“Point is Ben, Y/N doesn’t want you here and you’re not exactly a sight for sore eyes for all of us. Just leave before you hurt her anymore.”

You were rudely awoken by some intense whisper yelling happening at the front door, and you kept your best to keep up your act even with your sore neck from sleeping on Joe’s couch all night.

You assumed that everyone had stayed the night at Joe’s, due to their intense defending of your honor and mental state at the front door. But you could also assume that Ben was there.

“Please, just let me talk to her. I didn’t cheat. I promise that’s not what it was. I can explain the whole thing-”

“Oh, yes I’m sure you can Ben. Tell it to ‘Jessica.’” Lucy snarled, slamming the door in his face. it was frightening to hear the normally bubbly and optimistic girl sound so mean. The loud noise of the door almost coming off of its hinges caused you to jump.

You decided to stop with your act, sitting up and cracking your neck to alleviate the stiffness. Lucy turned around and her face softened, suddenly very apologetic. “Oh! Y/N I’m so sorry for waking you up I got carried away and-”

“I want to see him.”

“Ben?” Joe questioned, uncertainty written all over his face. The rest of your friends seemed to be thinking the same thing.

“Just to get closure.” The group nodded, and Lucy opened the door again and called Ben back in. He tripped he ran back up the steps to the porch so fast.

“You say anything that is off, I swear to god I’ll-”

“JOE!” your friends yelled, practically dragging him off into the other room. Lucy gave you a small reassuring smile as she closed the door behind her, leaving you and Ben alone in Joe’s living room.

The silence was crushing. It was awkward and grimy, making you feel like it was encasing you in a layer of goo that made you want to run out of the house and never look back.

“So-” Ben began before you abruptly cut him off.

“I’ll start,” you croaked, your voice already cracking. This scenario sounded better in your head, your voice was a lot stronger and assertive. But this would have to do.

“I don’t know what I did, what made me so boring or why you would want to cheat on me, but you must’ve had a reason. And I’m sorry for ever making you feel trapped or like you couldn’t talk to me or break up with me. Because you deserve better than that.” you paused for a moment. You could tell in Ben’s eyes that he was screaming to say something, but you continued.

“But I also know that I deserve better than to have my loyalty and trust betrayed by you. And cheating on me was a really shitty thing to do-”

“Y/N for the love of God please listen to me. I’m begging you I don’t know what else to do.” Ben pleaded, his voice weak and his eyes searching yours desperately. You closed your mouth and nodded, trying to prepare yourself for the worst.

“I didn't cheat on you,” you scoffed loudly at his statement, “and I know, that sounds fake but just give me a moment to explain.” Ben took a deep breath, looking at his shoes before meeting your eyes.

“I know I’ve been distant, and it’s physically pained me every single day that I’d have to lie to you and tell you I couldn’t hang out and watch movies, or canceling our ice cream date. It was physically hurting my heart. But I was worried I would slip up and tell you the secret-”

“That you were cheating on me.”

“No! Christ, no. Y/N I was going to ask you to fucking marry me.”

To say your heart dropped out of your ass would be an understatement. Suddenly, pieces slowly started to come together in your mind.

“Jessica is the woman at the jeweler's who was in charge of your ring… and when I said I was out I was actually arranging a spot to bring you to, and checking on the ring size. And I was scared I’d accidentally ruin the surprise.” Ben ran his large hands through his hair, meeting your eyes again. You were frozen.

“I love you Y/N. More than I’ve ever loved anyone in my entire life. I would never even glance at another woman because you’re the only one I see.”

Your heart melted in your chest as you felt a tear roll down your chin and settle in the hollows of your collar bone.

“Ben… I-I’m sorry for assuming anything-”

“No. Don’t say sorry. You had every right to be upset that I was ditching you. I could’ve handled that a lot better,” Ben took a few steps closer to you before laughing and looking up at the ceiling, “I was planning on waiting to do this, but what the hell, right?”

Ben pulled a tiny black velvet box out of the pocket of his jeans and knelt down on one knee in front of you, opening it up to reveal a beautiful, silver ring. You gasped and took a step back, clutching your hands to your face as you started to cry harder.

“Y/N,” Ben swallowed thickly, never breaking eye contact, “as cheesy as it sounds, I’ve loved you from the day I met you, and even though you were with someone else, I knew we were bound to be together. It was fate. And you know I don’t believe in fate. But with you… the only way I could’ve gotten so lucky was if some otherworldly force brought us together. I love you. Please, do me the absolute honor of being my wife.”

You couldn’t believe the turn of events. One moment you were crying because your boyfriend was cheating on you (so you thought) and now you were bawling because he was proposing to you.

“Yes. Yes, Ben yes!” you screeched, bouncing back on your heels as Ben wrapped you in his arms and pressed his lips to yours. You felt a strong warmth run through your body at the feeling of his touch, something you had missed so much.

At the sound of you screaming slightly, the rest of the cast burst into the room to see you and Ben almost making out in the middle of the living room.

“Oh my god… he proposed,” Lucy spoke, gasping lightly, her face brightening as all the pieces started to click into place in her mind. You turned around, smiling the hardest you’ve smiled in months, which quickly brought a smile to Joe’s, Rami’s, Allen’s, and Gwil’s faces.

“Thank God Ben didn’t cheat. I was about to go and have him removed as my emergency contact,” Joe joked, earning a laugh from everyone, “what? I wasn’t kidding.”

You turned back to Ben and threw your arms around him, basking in the feeling of his hug and smelling the stale cigarettes on his shirt(a smell only he could pull off).

This past week had been a rollercoaster, to say the least. And you had cried way too many tears, but standing in that brilliantly sunlit room at 8 am felt so impossibly right, so perfect, you could’ve cried again.

You looked up into the crystal orb-like eyes that belonged to your lover, and you couldn’t help but smile. The stress and pits of despair brewing in the bottom of your stomach were gone. You were relieved again.

Standing there in the arms of the man you loved, surrounded by your family, you had never felt so at peace and calm in your entire life. Everything was perfect, even if you didn’t get a glamorous dinner or romantic beach walk for your proposal. It was flawed, and that was honestly very fitting.

Because both you and Ben were very flawed, and that led to a flawed relationship, with flaws in every single thing that you did. For example, when you literally just jumped to conclusions about Ben cheating. And that one time you almost burnt down your house trying to make grilled cheese because you forgot you put it on the stove. But those flaws is what made you two a perfect match, that’s why you were made for each other.

Because suddenly, when you were with Ben, those flaws and imperfections didn’t matter. You looked beyond them, you accepted them, and you learned to love them.

It suddenly hit you, standing there, that all of those perfect relationships never work out because they don’t know how to handle issues or fights or false conclusions. It’s like a blizzard suddenly rolling in on a perfectly sunny day in Florida. It’s a shock to them, they don’t understand it or know how to deal with it. You and Ben, on the other hand, frequently experienced blizzards and tiny drizzles of rain, and sometimes full-on hurricanes. But those storms only managed to make you stronger.

And you had never felt more grateful for every single flaw and imperfection and Ben both possessed at that moment.

You were both perfectly flawed. And you were both perfectly okay with that.

[ponderingsofbck]

Pondering the Enigma that is Mental Health

The date was April 14, 2020, and the whole world, but especially the United States, was under a lockdown, due to a global pandemic called Covid-19. Nothing had become more evident at that point, about a month after everything except essential businesses had shut down, than the fact that the lockdown itself could become a risk. Therefore, I thought about how we can handle the mental health of ourselves and those around us, not only for the present, but also for the foreseeable future, as mental illness seems to be on the rise in general.

I then began the task of formulating specific questions to ask in my process of pondering this topic. I asked questions such as how bad is the mental health problem? What are the causes? What are the effects? What can be done to help those suffering with mental health problems and mental illness?

I also thought about why these questions matter to me personally. My answer to that question was that I do not think anyone should have to go through the emotional distress, that can be caused by mental illness, alone. Having struggled in my own life with depression and anxiety in my teen years, I know what it is like, and I would not want that for anyone else. I have also read into the issue a lot to try to better understand it myself. I am an empath by nature, so whenever I read or hear about someone giving up after going through something alone because they felt like they could not talk about it to anyone, I tend to wish that I could have helped in some way. It had only become more personal to me after a woman, and her neighbor in my town, were killed by her estranged husband during the Covid-19 crisis and lockdown. I did not know her or her family personally, but my heart went out to them, and I began wondering how we can all keep our mental resolve from breaking in what can essentially be complete isolation for some.

Next, I considered what I already knew about the subject through my own experience as well as reading about it over the years. I understand personally that it is a complex and sensitive issue that many people simply do not understand, or even care to address properly. At their core though, mental health issues tend to lead to feelings of isolation and the misconception that one is alone in their struggles. I also understand that there have been many so-called solutions given in the past, which we would now deem inhumane and rightly so.

Thus, I had the foundation for how I would approach my research into the topic of mental health, it was not a nebulous, general concept, but rather more of a focused specific goal. It was a concrete reality all around me given the recent events in the world, and the fact that some were starting to break under the pressure of the lockdown.

I had begun my research by thinking about the exact search terms that I would be using for the most effective search as well as which database sites I would be searching. I avoided using google, as I have not had very good luck finding anything excepts ads and products for sale on google recently. I used my school’s online database search resources and went to a few different database sites, beginning a process of elimination for which sites I would use. I had eliminated some of the database sites from my search process due to technical difficulties at the time, and others I had eliminated as it was just entirely too difficult to sift through all the information given, with the time that I had allowed myself, even after narrowing the search by year, subject etc. After searching through the different database sites for a while I decided to use the JSTOR for my sources as it had the least technical difficulties at the time, as well as being a bit easier for me to search and find relevant information.

In the search process I decided to focus more on mental health as a general and global issue, though there are plenty of experiments and studies that focus on one aspect or another of mental health and mental illness. I also had tried to look more into possible solutions, cures, and programs as well as what I could do to help to alleviate the problem. I started out just searching for the term “mental health,” but that gave me to many results with specialized studies and experiments. I then searched for solutions related to mental health and added the specific term “peer support” into my search query. Those terms helped to find more relevant results, and I further narrowed my focus to articles that were current from within the last five years.

I had three articles which I decided to use, two of which were from Scientific American Mind, and the last of which was from Foreign Affairs. All three of the articles mention different aspects of the effects of mental illness and how it is handled in society. They also mention how even in recent decades mental health and illness have been rather enigmatic and were not handled as sensitively as they should have been.

Here is what I found in the articles which I had decided to use. I will start with the one from Foreign Affairs, titled “Darkness Invisible,” directly below the title it says, “The Hidden Global Costs of Mental Illness,” it was written by Thomas R. Insel, Pamela Y. Collins, and Steven E. Hyman. In this article the authors point out that mental illness is actually a serious problem which should garner more attention than it gets, as it is so far reaching that it effects the global economy. It is also asserted by the authors that this will have no small effect on the world’s economy in future decades as the total amount that it had cost the economy at the time of the study was expected to reach $6 trillion by the year 2030. The authors would also point out in this article that people and governments misunderstand how much mental illness effects society and the economy, and that it is not only a first world problem as mental illness can be debilitating regardless of what one’s vocation may be. The article continues with the authors presenting a number of facts and statistics on mental health, and the prognosis at this point does not look very advantageous for the global economy, there is however a glimmer of hope. The authors would offer a number of possible solutions which are being researched and developed. According to the authors some of the remedies being considered and tested include the use of web-based counselling and integrated mental and general healthcare.

Next I will briefly mention my findings from the two Scientific American articles. The first one that I will mention is titled “Patients Helping Patients,” it was written by Karen Weintraub. In this article the author focuses on the struggle and experience of one Pual Bradford, who had suffered perhaps a bit of a mental breakdown in the early 2000s. The author continues recounting that Bradford’s experience with the mental healthcare at that time was actually rather traumatizing, so much so, that Bradford decided that it was his calling to be a part of the solution. The author then explains the concept of peer counselling, which seems noble, as it is former mental health patients offering help and counselling to current patients. The author then explores some of the pros and cons of this concept, one advantage would be that peer counselors would have more empathy, though one con would be that sometimes people only have peer counselling when they need regular counselling as well.

Last there is the article titled “First Aid for Mental Health,” written by Aliyah Baruchin, in which the author elucidates on many of the points made in the previous two articles which I had mentioned above. The author brings out how detrimental mental illness can be when the victims of it break, citing a number of incidents. However, the author seems to focus on something that could vastly improve the situation, even if it has reached a point of major deterioration, a tactic called “Mental Health First Aid.” According to the Author this tactic allows the responder to approach the patient in a non-threatening and objective manner which has proven successful in many cases already, with some police departments and other agencies enrolling in the certification classes for the tactic since.

In conclusion, what I had learned form my research only confirmed my prior knowledge that mental health is indeed a sensitive and complex issue, which needs to be approached with caution and care. I am more aware that there are a growing number of resources to help with averting the crisis of mental illness. The biggest thing that this has reinforced for me though, is the idea that simply talking to people and being there for them when they are going through something could prevent a catastrophe in the future. I do not think that anyone should have to go through anything mentally destressing alone, whether we truly understand it or not. I intend to sign up for the MHFA (Mental Health First Aid) certification at some point in the foreseeable future, as I can see an increasing need for that in the world around me.

       Works Cited

Baruchin, Aliyah. “FIRST AID FOR MENTAL HEALTH.” Scientific American Mind, vol. 26, no. 2,       2015, pp.            68–73. JSTOR, www.jstor.org/stable/24946499. Accessed 9 May 2020.

Insel, Thomas R., et al. “Darkness Invisible: The Hidden Global Costs of Mental Illness.” Foreign   Affairs, vol. 94, no. 1, 2015, pp. 127–135. JSTOR, www.jstor.org/stable/24483225.       Accessed 4 May 2020.

Weintraub, Karen. “PATIENTS HELPING PATIENTS.” Scientific American Mind, vol. 26, no. 3,        2015, pp.            60–63. JSTOR, www.jstor.org/stable/24946458. Accessed 4 May 2020.