#but also cant bring myself to straight up self-insert so here we are

[mayumiaki]

seriously need a tag for this fic so i can keep track of my ideas... open to suggestions

anyway, so far, here's what i got for the ruth bellamy x captain brainworms

captain julia thackery, the stranger, sister to ex-site supervisor of scylla hephaestos mining operations. the intense grief she feels when she discovers his logs on the terminal at the abandoned mining outpost. the rage and despair of finding out that s. needham/hephaestos relocated her beloved brother to certain death on a space rock of temps around 170C. the guilt, even, of having survived and outlived her brother, who continued to miss her til his last, who wrote happy birthday logs to her, even in her absence. the guilt he felt, having convinced her to board the hope and join him in halcyon, only for the hope to have gone missing. how crushing it is to hold all this.

how, too, it makes relatable ruth bellamy's grief-driven war path on eridanos. i imagine julia seeing herself in ruth. i imagine them bonding over their grief, their criticisms of corporations/the board... licking some of each other's wounds. marvelling at each other's strengths. trading secrets. i imagine julia sharing her own path, inspiring ruth to direct her grief and rage into determination.

i imagine them parting, as julia heads to skip the hope and infiltrate tartatus... and ends up busy at the helm of the efforts to save the colony. havent sorted out what ruth's doing in the meantime, why she doesnt just come along. i feel like she's got some things to sort out first.

i imagine them reuniting... i have a dozen reunion scenarios that im playing around with. im leaning towards the more unexpected reunions. i love the idea of an intense moment of surprise, tension, longing, fondness—perhaps even urgency. they've finally found each other again; they're not letting go this time. wouldnt it be funny to have this be at the end of a lot of just missing each other by a hair, accidentally mirroring the events of eridanos?

i imagine, in a colony undergoing a lot of changes, julia insists on the abandoned mining outpost remaining as is, least until she dies. i imagine her making a home of her brother's scylla residence. maybe she invites ruth there, someday.

i imagine ruth and julia work to better the colony, side by side, once they reunite. i imagine them becoming life partners. i imagine ruth dedicates the first aetherwave she directs to her two most beloved people in the universe, belinda and julia.

it's all just a braindump rn but a multi-chapter fanfic is brewing all because i'm gay as hell for ruth bellamy

[filthytabloid]

TG: i really

TG: dont want to be alone?

TG: i dont have any friends karkat

CG: DAVE.

CG: I AM YOUR FRIEND.

TG: hes all i have

CG: THAT’S NOT EVEN REMOTELY A TRUE THING.

TG: it is

CG: I MEAN I MIGHT NOT COUNT BECAUSE I’M MORTAL.

CG: SO IF YOU’RE GOING SUPER CATASTROPHIZING BIG PICTURE THEN YEAH I’M NOT GONNA BE AROUND FOREVER.

CG: BUT ROSE AND JADE EXIST, DUDE.

CG: THEY ARE ALSO FUNCTIONALLY IMMORTAL.

TG: they dont talk to me any more

TG: ive invited them over a few times

TG: john gets like

TG: jealous

CG: JOHN GETS JEALOUS.

CG: OF YOU TALKING TO ROSE AND JADE.

TG: he

TG: kind of has meltdowns whenever i pay attention to anyone thats not him

TG: but he cant help it

TG: i mean i can understand being insecure im trying to be sympathetic

CG: WHAT HAPPENS DURING THE MELTDOWNS?

TG: he just gets really cold and angry at me

TG: doesnt talk to me

TG: id prefer he talk to me

TG: so i dont talk to anyone else so hell keep talking to me

CG: DOES HE HAVE OTHER FRIENDS? PEOPLE HE TALKS TO OUTSIDE THE RELATIONSHIP?

TG: yeah

TG: mostly other versions of me

TG: which feels great by the way i love it when he does that

TG: i guess im a jealous asshole too

CG: OK, LISTEN.

CG: IF I SAY SOMETHING WILL YOU PROMISE NOT TO FLIP OUT.

TG: can i remain perched on the handle even if i dont pirouette

CG: YEAH, THAT WORKS.

CG: ALRIGHT HERE’S THE THING.

CG: TAKE A DEEP BREATH:

CG: JOHN HAS ISSUES.

TG: no fuckin duh 

TG: dont we all

CG: UH, NO.

CG: NOT THE KIND OF ISSUES YOU ARE DESCRIBING, NO.

TG: obviously we cant all have the same issues

TG: but we all do have issues

CG: GETTING COLD AND ANGRY DOESN’T SOUND LIKE A MELTDOWN AT ALL IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING THAT IS VERY EASILY CONTROLLED.

TG: ok maybe i am the one having meltdowns

CG: WHEN HE’S UPSET BECAUSE YOU TALK TO OTHER PEOPLE DOES HE ACT COLD AND ANGRY TOWARD EVERYONE HE TALKS TO?

CG: OR JUST YOU?

TG: just me

CG: OKAY, SEE, THEN IT’S SOMETHING HE CAN HELP.

CG: IF IT WAS TOTALLY OUT OF HIS CONTROL THEN IT WOULDN’T BE DIRECTED AT A SPECIFIC PERSON.

TG: what if its out of his control because its our relationship though

TG: its kinda different from everything else isnt it??

TG: so

CG: I KIND OF FEEL LIKE YOU’RE REACHING.

CG: THERE ARE WAYS FOR HIM TO LET YOU KNOW HE’S UPSET WITHOUT BEING A FROTHING DOUCHENOZZLE.

CG: SEE: TALKING ABOUT THINGS.

CG: I MEAN EVEN IF HE TALKED TO YOU ABOUT IT I’D STILL SAY HE HAS ISSUES BECAUSE BEING THAT FANATICALLY JEALOUS IS KIND OF. UH.

CG: BUT AT LEAST IT’S BETTER THAN BEING PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE!

TG: we do kind of talk about it

TG: and like when we talk about it we seem to reach amicable agreements about what needs to be better

CG: SO WHAT DO YOU GUYS AGREE NEEDS TO BE BETTER?

TG: uh

TG: great this is gonna sound shit

TG: that i just need to remember he loves me and that as long as hes here im not alone

CG: …

TG: a lot of agreements about mental actions i need to be taking but not really any other actionable items

CG: OK I NEED TO SAY ANOTHER THING THAT MIGHT FREAK YOU OUT.

TG: im kneading my temples

TG: what

CG: REST ASSURED I’M ALSO KNEADING MY TEMPLES.

CG: IT SOUNDS LIKE HE’S ABUSING YOU.

TG: oh fgudjfg

TG: no

TG: no he isnt

CG: DAVE

CG: BREATHE

CG: OK?

TG: no

CG: I COULD BE WRONG, I AM JUST GIVING YOU THE IMPRESSION I HAVE RIGHT NOW.

TG: thats not even remotely whats happening here you cant say that

TG: yeah

CG: OKAY.

TG: you dont know what were like

TG: he leaves me really sweet notes

TG: he buys me flowers

TG: he tells me nice things

CG: I AM STILL ABSOLUTELY NOT CONTESTING THAT YOU GUYS LOVE EACH OTHER.

CG: OKAY?

TG: ok

CG: I’M JUST SAYING THAT A LOT OF THIS IS REALLY WORRYING.

CG: AND I GET THAT IT’S HARD TO SEE THAT IT’S WORRYING OR WHY IT’S WORRYING SINCE YOU’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF IT RIGHT NOW.

CG: SO I’M JUST TELLING YOU WHAT I’M SEEING. AND YOU’RE RIGHT THAT I AM NOT IN THE ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP, SO MY IMPRESSION OF IT *MIGHT* BE SKEWED.

CG: PLEASE DON’T SHUT DOWN ON ME.

TG: ok i

TG: i wont 

TG: im still present

TG: what if this is the best i deserve though

CG: IT’S NOT.

TG: it is

TG: i should be happy i even get this

TG: i should be happy to be alive

CG: THAT’S RATIONALIZING.

TG: i think im really just ungrateful

CG: I AM PRETTY SURE THAT’S NOT THE PROBLEM.

TG: look maybe i do deserve this in all honesty maybe taking care of john even as he trains for the self-destruction olympics is how i can prove my worth to this world

TG: whos going to do it if not me??

TG: its not abusive if i can choose to leave at any time

CG: DRAGS MY HANDS DOWN MY FACE

CG: THAT’S ALSO NOT EVEN A TRUE THING

CG: AND BESIDES IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU CAN’T CHOOSE TO LEAVE!

CG: BECAUSE YOU’RE CUT OFF FROM ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS!

CG: AND COMMUNICATION WITH ANYONE WHO ISN’T HIM!

CG: YOU’RE COMPLETELY DEPENDENT ON HIM FOR COMFORT AND SAFETY AND SANITY SO OF COURSE YOU’RE NOT GOING TO CONSIDER LEAVING AN OPTION.

TG: ok um fuck

TG: lets not zoom out so much

CG: ZOOM OUT.

TG: theres nothing i can do about

TG: well

TG: i just

TG: i want to make this work can we please just focus on how i can make this livable

CG: YOU NEED TO TELL JOHN THAT YOU’RE UNHAPPY AND WHY YOU’RE UNHAPPY.

CG: AND IF YOU FEEL UNSAFE DOING THAT THEN YOU NEED TO DO IT WITH A MEDIATOR THERE.

CG: AND YOU NEED TO FIND OUT IF HE’S WILLING TO LET GO OF HIS HANGUPS AND CHANGE OR NOT.

TG: i cant

TG: you just have to give me some jedi mindtricks to play on myself so im not as affected when things dont go my way ok

CG: IT SOUNDS LIKE ALL THE RELATIONSHIP TALKS YOU’VE BEEN HAVING HAVE BEEN ABOUT *HIS* ISSUES WITH *YOU*

CG: AND IT’S WELL AND GOOD THAT HE FEELS COMFORTABLE EXPLAINING THE THINGS THAT MAKE HIM UNCOMFORTABLE

CG: BUT THAT HAS TO BE A TWO WAY STREET.

CG: BOTH PARTIES NEED TO BE WILLING TO COMPROMISE.

TG: i cant 

TG: i cant do that

CG: OH MY GOD.

CG: LET ME GIVE THIS TO YOU STRAIGHT.

CG: THIS DYNAMIC CANNOT CONTINUE AS IT IS.

CG: THE RELATIONSHIP EITHER NEEDS TO END OR JOHN NEEDS TO BE WILLING TO FIX HIS END OF THINGS.

TG: karkat i cant tell him that i am unhappy

CG: DAVE.

TG: i have in the past

CG: THERE IS NO COMBINATION OF WORDS YOU CAN TELL YOURSELF THAT’S GOING TO RATIONALIZE ALL OF THIS SO HARD THAT IT MAKES YOU HAPPY.

CG: YOU CAN KEEP LYING TO YOURSELF AND IT’S GOING TO KEEP MAKING YOU FEEL FUCKING MISERABLE.

CG: BECAUSE YOU’RE GOING TO WONDER WHAT YOU’RE DOING WRONG WHEN YOU’RE PUTTING SO MUCH INTO THE RELATIONSHIP AND YOU STILL FEEL SO SHITTY ABOUT IT.

CG: AND HIS BEHAVIOR IS STILL GOING TO HURT YOU BECAUSE HE’S NOT TREATING YOU FAIRLY.

CG: AND THE ONLY WAY YOU’RE GOING TO RATIONALIZE HIS BEHAVIOR IS IF YOU KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT YOU DESERVE IT.

CG: AND THAT’S GOING TO MAKE YOU CONTINUE FEELING LIKE A GARBAGE DUMP.

CG: SOMETHING NEEDS TO CHANGE. YOU’VE CLEARLY TRIED RATIONALIZING ALREADY AND IT’S NOT WORKING OUT.

TG: karkat i cant talk to him about it and i need you to not make what im about to say a big deal because its not

TG: i have tried to talk to him about it before and he socked me in the face and

TG: told me i was

TG: i guess it doesnt matter

TG: but as long as i dont bring it up he wont hit me i need a solution that doesnt involve talking about how unhappy i am

CG: YOU NEED TO GET OUT.

TG: no

CG: NO DAVE I’M DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS.

TG: hes the only thing in this shitty world that makes me happy

CG: COME STAY WITH ME FOR A BIT.

TG: i cant

TG: he might need me

CG: OF COURSE YOU CAN. I HAVE SPACE.

TG: no karkat please listen to me

TG: i cant leave because hes the only person in the whole world that makes me feel okay

CG: DAVE

CG: YOU DON’T HAVE TO LEAVE FOREVER.

TG: i dont want him to hate me hes my boyfriend

CG: OR CUT OFF ALL CONTACT.

CG: JUST COME STAY WITH ME FOR A WEEK OR TWO.

CG: GET SOME SPACE TO BREATHE FOR A BIT.

TG: i dont want to be a burden on you

CG: YOU WON’T BE.

TG: how on earth could i not be

CG: YOU’RE GOOD COMPANY AND SLIGHTLY LOWER MAINTENANCE THAN A CAT.

TG: i dont know how to tell john id be staying with you

TG: he might break up with me if i do

CG: I CAN TELL HIM IF YOU WANT.

TG: …

TG: ok

CG: OKAY.

CG: I’LL GET THE COUCH PULLED OUT SO YOU HAVE A PLACE TO SLEEP.

TG: fuck

TG: karkat i cant hes really mentally ill

TG: i have to be there for him

CG: YOU WILL HAVE YOUR PHONE.

CG: IF THERE’S AN EMERGENCY HE’LL BE ABLE TO CONTACT YOU.

CG: AND IF YOU NEED TO GO HOME I WILL COME WITH YOU.

CG: I’M INSERTING MYSELF AS THE MEDIATOR. THAT JUST HAPPENED.

TG: no no no oh god that is literally the exact definition of a burden

TG: i dont want to be that

CG: LITERALLY NOT BURDENING ME.

TG: im sorry for bothering you i gotta go ttyl

CG: IF IT WAS A PROBLEM I WOULDN’T DO IT.

CG: DAVE

CG: DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE GET BACK HERE

CG: WHAT YOU’RE FAILING TO REMEMBER IS HOW MUCH I LOVE MEDDLING IN PEOPLE’S RELATIONSHIPS GOD DAMMIT YOU ASSHOLE YOU DIDN’T BOTHER ME AT ALL I SWEAR TO GOD

TG: you promise

TG: that this isnt some massive inconvenience to you and you dont hate me

CG: I SWEAR ON TROLL WILL SMITH.

CG: I DON’T KNOW IF YOU REMEMBER THIS ABOUT ME OR NOT, BUT I’M PRETTY FORWARD ABOUT HATING PEOPLE.

TG: hate me in a platonic despising way not a you wanna bang me way

CG: I DON’T HATE YOU IN EITHER A PLATONIC OR A ROMANTIC WAY.

CG: YOU WOULD KNOW IF I DID.

TG: ok

[somedaypast-thesunset]

so i went to this therapy session. it consiisted of this woman asking me what i thought my issues were and going through a list of “important life factors” before she readily prescribed CBT. and like.. ive learned to play the game with these people; if you influence them by giving too much or focusing on the wrong thing, they can suggest stupid things. so i gave her very concise and bare bones answers. 

unlike my family doctor, she had little focus on the traumas. she said the traumas must have created behaviors that needed to be examined. i mean, yeah. science? and like, i’ve learned to handle my anxiety atleast 30 - 40% better than say, last year. by using things similar to CBT techniques, like examining all possible outcomes and taking time to examine my anxieties rather than react on them. this has allowed me certain control over a lot of previusly panic inducing situations. but now im plateaued because the anxiety is not so much an issue -- i don’t care. i used to care alot more before. like i wanted to be seen as a good person and i went out of my way to be a good person and put myself and needs aside for it. but now i dont care? i find i have even less anxiety going out and meeting new people because i dont care? the apathy is overwhelming.

CBT doesnt fix apathy. and i dnt know if anything fixes apathy. 

heres what i do KNOW from this year of self improvement: the only thing that has made me feel remotely better and that has made sound logical sense since it came to be acknowledged is really standard old school talk therapy. in no fucking way can cure anxiety about being alone or having no family by “positive affirmations”. you can try and see some positives in but if you try to fool yourself so far that youre “totally okay” with no one, there will always be one day that comes when you regret “totally okay”. 

but absolutely no one cares about examining the known. no one cares why or how the family dynamic works except people literally studying it. all anyone knows is that by default, you’re handed a group of people who share similar dna to you and whatever happens after that is up to fate and chance. more often than not people have SOME kind of family. even those who say they dont “really” have family have some cousin or distance aunt or someone they manage to stay in close contact with. 

heres what i also know: he is “right” about one thing - the people we know, including himself, were shaped and influenced by a community; there’s half a million strong here but yet if you’re in our age group and you’re white you can probably play six degrees of seperation. and a lot of people turned to drugs, a lot of people came from bad homes, a lot of people have untreated mental illnesses -- and these are the people i am turning to for support. because i have no real choice right now. it’s literally trying to survive and you cannot pick and choose in survival. you take whatever you can get wherever you can get it. and thats not even to say these are bad people. clearly if they offer any support at all they are good people in their hearts. no matter what issue they have, they’re decent people.

but in no fucking way what so ever are they equipped to support another person emotionally or even leave their own foundations of support because i mean, who does that? logically? 

i went through all of this stuff. and like i’m nt trying to have a pissing contest of whos life was worse? my own parents lives were worse than mine. a close friend of mine - definitely way worse than mine. this could totally be worse but what difference does that make? you cut off a finger and you’re like “well didnt lose the hand” but youre still living with no finger. you still have to cope and deal with n finger every second of the day despite how much worse it “could” be. 

to me my power and release and way i feel good is not through meditation or yoga or taking a walk - it’s being heard. i want to be heard. i lived in silence an was sheltered for a long time and i didnt get to speak on a lot of things that legitimately shaped the way i lived my life. and like i’m not asking for these things to be analyzed. theyre not here for like a game of psychology. this is my life. this is what i lived and i want to speak about it. i want to be able to speak for ten minutes straight on what happened to me and how i feel. and secondly i want to be understood. like im not speaking a different language. there is no hidden meaning i am just telling a story i want to have understood by the listener. when you read a book, you dont stop thrugh a paragraph and be like “oh i remember the time my mom did this and this” and go off into a new tangent for yourself. you give it focus and attention to understand the nuances of this person’s perspective. 

and my doctor gave me the freedom to speak to him at anytime. i can literally go and be like i am upset and here is why and he will just listen to me. because my problem is not about me. my problem is the things that happened to me. CBT literally tells you that statements like “i am a victim to outside circumstances” is “harmful”. but i am? like i’m not saying this t promote an internal victimization but that outside circumstances happened to which i had little to no control over anything BUT my own reaction. 

and the thing is - no one at all will ever fix what happened. very bad things happened. this is without a doubt now, bad things happened. almost all of the time. and people cannot even fathom such trauma without bringing up sexual abuse or physical abuse because it more often manifests those ways but this was a unique circumstance of very different factors - none of which are special in the world but just a timeline that by using all of these factors created a very jarring and traumatic time. 

so you cannot give me medication. im not sick. im experiencing a natural reaction to long term trauma. like.. the brain is damaged now but who is to say filling it with synthetic chemicals to “fix” or cover the damage is any better? what happens when youre no longer on them? 

you cant tell me to meditate on it; sit silently and dont think about it? cruel. how o you think i made it this far? i deserve to talk about these things, outloud, without judgement. i dont even need a group. in fact right now i deserve one single human to give me the respect and time. because literally? sometimes i need like.. one hour in a month. just one hour in 30 days to speak out loud everything that haunted me that month and have it acknowledged in reality without personal opinion inserted. 

i explained to him why i didnt like cbt and why i felt like i wanted to be left alone now; like i was tired of being psychoanalyzed, i knew what my problem was, i knew what i wanted in life. he immediately brought up how i should be seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist instead and that i just needed to have that. i realize now that hes put alot of weight on a psychologist or w.e. solving my issues and “giving me coping techniques” and by me saying i wanted to be left alone triggered anger, like he assumed i was “giving up”? still, it went into an argument which led to him saying things like i needed to have a job to deserve a family which is very hateful and emotionally abusive thing to say. i walked away when we got to his place and then went to a friends for an hour or so before he picked me up. he commented on the way back, “just for the record, i’m just too real for people.” -- but ive started not to care. i told him he wasnt real, he was mentally ill and projected a lot of things on to people around him when he was a textbook example of toxic thinking. i said he should get therapy, but he wont because it takes work and it might mean he wont be great anymore but i still loved him regardless. 

he sat quiet for a bit and when we got back to his place he made a casual remark asking if we had talked about him. i said sure and he asked what was said. i told him the only thing im ever told about him is to not listen to him because hes crazy. he laughed a bit and asked how and why and who. i doubled down and said even my doctor has told me to not listen to him because what he says is harmful and misunderstood. he got very quiet and then seemed to be upset the rest of the night. i couldnt understand entirely why though? did he feel bad about it? did he think i was wrong? did he have shame people held this opinion or was he angry they knew about him at all? 

he was still a bit upset this morning but seemed to try and at least fake it? he told me he loved me when i left but it just seemed weird. i feel like he feels bad? like maybe he realized he was causing damage but now couldnt take it back? i certainly dont think he’d tell me he loved me if he was angry.