filthytabloid

[filthytabloid]

TG: uh

TG: ...

TG: so do you

TG: i

CG: DO I WHAT?

TG: do you really think this is abusive

TG: because im starting to think i dont have perspective on what isnt

CG: YEAH.

TG: ok

TG: do you think it can become unabusive

TG: or should i

TG: jump ship

CG: I THINK THAT REALLY DEPENDS ON JOHN, NOT YOU.

CG: BUT FOR IT TO BECOME UNABUSIVE YOU'D HAVE TO GET TO A POINT WHERE YOU WEREN'T SCARED OF HIM AND HE'D HAVE TO GET TO A POINT WHERE HE WASN'T GIVING YOU CAUSE TO BE SCARED OF HIM AND IT SOUNDS LIKE IT WOULD TAKE A WHILE TO GET THERE.

CG: I

CG: THINK IT WOULD BE BETTER FOR YOU

CG: IF YOU ENDED THE RELATIONSHIP. HONESTLY.

CG: BUT IF YOU ABSOLUTELY INSIST ON TRYING TO MAKE IT WORK THEN I'LL TRY TO HELP YOU MAKE IT WORK.

TG: ok

TG: ill think about this

TG: and i appreciate that a lot

TG: i just kind of feel like the stupidest person in the world for finally getting what i want and what i want is so stupidly horrible

TG: but im glad youre my friend im seriously

TG: thankful

CG: SOMETIMES WHAT YOU THINK YOU WANT DOESN'T PLAY OUT THE WAY YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD AND YOU FIGURE OUT YOU WANTED SOMETHING ELSE.

TG: yeah maybe

CG: THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH WANTING SOMETHING DIFFERENT THAN YOU DID WHEN YOU WERE SIX.

CG: THIRTEEN, I MEAN. JESUS.

TG: hah

TG: see its slightly funny because of cultural differences

TG: i appreciate you warping to human units for me

CG: I'M GODDAMN CONSIDERATE.

CG: AND YOU'RE NOT STUPID.

CG: AND IT'S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD IF THIS RELATIONSHIP DOESN'T WORK OUT.

CG: THERE WILL BE OTHER GOOD EXPERIENCES THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH JOHN.

TG: oh

TG: wow thats the kind of thing that should have been glaringly obvious but somehow wasnt until you said that just now

TG: i guess this whole doom and gloom business is really involved for me

TG: i almost feel ~*hopeful*~ its like a shitty little miracle in my heart

CG: HAH. IT'S OKAY, I'VE BEEN THERE.

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TG: i really

TG: dont want to be alone?

TG: i dont have any friends karkat

CG: DAVE.

CG: I AM YOUR FRIEND.

TG: hes all i have

CG: THAT’S NOT EVEN REMOTELY A TRUE THING.

TG: it is

CG: I MEAN I MIGHT NOT COUNT BECAUSE I’M MORTAL.

CG: SO IF YOU’RE GOING SUPER CATASTROPHIZING BIG PICTURE THEN YEAH I’M NOT GONNA BE AROUND FOREVER.

CG: BUT ROSE AND JADE EXIST, DUDE.

CG: THEY ARE ALSO FUNCTIONALLY IMMORTAL.

TG: they dont talk to me any more

TG: ive invited them over a few times

TG: john gets like

TG: jealous

CG: JOHN GETS JEALOUS.

CG: OF YOU TALKING TO ROSE AND JADE.

TG: he

TG: kind of has meltdowns whenever i pay attention to anyone thats not him

TG: but he cant help it

TG: i mean i can understand being insecure im trying to be sympathetic

CG: WHAT HAPPENS DURING THE MELTDOWNS?

TG: he just gets really cold and angry at me

TG: doesnt talk to me

TG: id prefer he talk to me

TG: so i dont talk to anyone else so hell keep talking to me

CG: DOES HE HAVE OTHER FRIENDS? PEOPLE HE TALKS TO OUTSIDE THE RELATIONSHIP?

TG: yeah

TG: mostly other versions of me

TG: which feels great by the way i love it when he does that

TG: i guess im a jealous asshole too

CG: OK, LISTEN.

CG: IF I SAY SOMETHING WILL YOU PROMISE NOT TO FLIP OUT.

TG: can i remain perched on the handle even if i dont pirouette

CG: YEAH, THAT WORKS.

CG: ALRIGHT HERE’S THE THING.

CG: TAKE A DEEP BREATH:

CG: JOHN HAS ISSUES.

TG: no fuckin duh 

TG: dont we all

CG: UH, NO.

CG: NOT THE KIND OF ISSUES YOU ARE DESCRIBING, NO.

TG: obviously we cant all have the same issues

TG: but we all do have issues

CG: GETTING COLD AND ANGRY DOESN’T SOUND LIKE A MELTDOWN AT ALL IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING THAT IS VERY EASILY CONTROLLED.

TG: ok maybe i am the one having meltdowns

CG: WHEN HE’S UPSET BECAUSE YOU TALK TO OTHER PEOPLE DOES HE ACT COLD AND ANGRY TOWARD EVERYONE HE TALKS TO?

CG: OR JUST YOU?

TG: just me

CG: OKAY, SEE, THEN IT’S SOMETHING HE CAN HELP.

CG: IF IT WAS TOTALLY OUT OF HIS CONTROL THEN IT WOULDN’T BE DIRECTED AT A SPECIFIC PERSON.

TG: what if its out of his control because its our relationship though

TG: its kinda different from everything else isnt it??

TG: so

CG: I KIND OF FEEL LIKE YOU’RE REACHING.

CG: THERE ARE WAYS FOR HIM TO LET YOU KNOW HE’S UPSET WITHOUT BEING A FROTHING DOUCHENOZZLE.

CG: SEE: TALKING ABOUT THINGS.

CG: I MEAN EVEN IF HE TALKED TO YOU ABOUT IT I’D STILL SAY HE HAS ISSUES BECAUSE BEING THAT FANATICALLY JEALOUS IS KIND OF. UH.

CG: BUT AT LEAST IT’S BETTER THAN BEING PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE!

TG: we do kind of talk about it

TG: and like when we talk about it we seem to reach amicable agreements about what needs to be better

CG: SO WHAT DO YOU GUYS AGREE NEEDS TO BE BETTER?

TG: uh

TG: great this is gonna sound shit

TG: that i just need to remember he loves me and that as long as hes here im not alone

CG: …

TG: a lot of agreements about mental actions i need to be taking but not really any other actionable items

CG: OK I NEED TO SAY ANOTHER THING THAT MIGHT FREAK YOU OUT.

TG: im kneading my temples

TG: what

CG: REST ASSURED I’M ALSO KNEADING MY TEMPLES.

CG: IT SOUNDS LIKE HE’S ABUSING YOU.

TG: oh fgudjfg

TG: no

TG: no he isnt

CG: DAVE

CG: BREATHE

CG: OK?

TG: no

CG: I COULD BE WRONG, I AM JUST GIVING YOU THE IMPRESSION I HAVE RIGHT NOW.

TG: thats not even remotely whats happening here you cant say that

TG: yeah

CG: OKAY.

TG: you dont know what were like

TG: he leaves me really sweet notes

TG: he buys me flowers

TG: he tells me nice things

CG: I AM STILL ABSOLUTELY NOT CONTESTING THAT YOU GUYS LOVE EACH OTHER.

CG: OKAY?

TG: ok

CG: I’M JUST SAYING THAT A LOT OF THIS IS REALLY WORRYING.

CG: AND I GET THAT IT’S HARD TO SEE THAT IT’S WORRYING OR WHY IT’S WORRYING SINCE YOU’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF IT RIGHT NOW.

CG: SO I’M JUST TELLING YOU WHAT I’M SEEING. AND YOU’RE RIGHT THAT I AM NOT IN THE ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP, SO MY IMPRESSION OF IT *MIGHT* BE SKEWED.

CG: PLEASE DON’T SHUT DOWN ON ME.

TG: ok i

TG: i wont 

TG: im still present

TG: what if this is the best i deserve though

CG: IT’S NOT.

TG: it is

TG: i should be happy i even get this

TG: i should be happy to be alive

CG: THAT’S RATIONALIZING.

TG: i think im really just ungrateful

CG: I AM PRETTY SURE THAT’S NOT THE PROBLEM.

TG: look maybe i do deserve this in all honesty maybe taking care of john even as he trains for the self-destruction olympics is how i can prove my worth to this world

TG: whos going to do it if not me??

TG: its not abusive if i can choose to leave at any time

CG: DRAGS MY HANDS DOWN MY FACE

CG: THAT’S ALSO NOT EVEN A TRUE THING

CG: AND BESIDES IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU CAN’T CHOOSE TO LEAVE!

CG: BECAUSE YOU’RE CUT OFF FROM ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS!

CG: AND COMMUNICATION WITH ANYONE WHO ISN’T HIM!

CG: YOU’RE COMPLETELY DEPENDENT ON HIM FOR COMFORT AND SAFETY AND SANITY SO OF COURSE YOU’RE NOT GOING TO CONSIDER LEAVING AN OPTION.

TG: ok um fuck

TG: lets not zoom out so much

CG: ZOOM OUT.

TG: theres nothing i can do about

TG: well

TG: i just

TG: i want to make this work can we please just focus on how i can make this livable

CG: YOU NEED TO TELL JOHN THAT YOU’RE UNHAPPY AND WHY YOU’RE UNHAPPY.

CG: AND IF YOU FEEL UNSAFE DOING THAT THEN YOU NEED TO DO IT WITH A MEDIATOR THERE.

CG: AND YOU NEED TO FIND OUT IF HE’S WILLING TO LET GO OF HIS HANGUPS AND CHANGE OR NOT.

TG: i cant

TG: you just have to give me some jedi mindtricks to play on myself so im not as affected when things dont go my way ok

CG: IT SOUNDS LIKE ALL THE RELATIONSHIP TALKS YOU’VE BEEN HAVING HAVE BEEN ABOUT *HIS* ISSUES WITH *YOU*

CG: AND IT’S WELL AND GOOD THAT HE FEELS COMFORTABLE EXPLAINING THE THINGS THAT MAKE HIM UNCOMFORTABLE

CG: BUT THAT HAS TO BE A TWO WAY STREET.

CG: BOTH PARTIES NEED TO BE WILLING TO COMPROMISE.

TG: i cant 

TG: i cant do that

CG: OH MY GOD.

CG: LET ME GIVE THIS TO YOU STRAIGHT.

CG: THIS DYNAMIC CANNOT CONTINUE AS IT IS.

CG: THE RELATIONSHIP EITHER NEEDS TO END OR JOHN NEEDS TO BE WILLING TO FIX HIS END OF THINGS.

TG: karkat i cant tell him that i am unhappy

CG: DAVE.

TG: i have in the past

CG: THERE IS NO COMBINATION OF WORDS YOU CAN TELL YOURSELF THAT’S GOING TO RATIONALIZE ALL OF THIS SO HARD THAT IT MAKES YOU HAPPY.

CG: YOU CAN KEEP LYING TO YOURSELF AND IT’S GOING TO KEEP MAKING YOU FEEL FUCKING MISERABLE.

CG: BECAUSE YOU’RE GOING TO WONDER WHAT YOU’RE DOING WRONG WHEN YOU’RE PUTTING SO MUCH INTO THE RELATIONSHIP AND YOU STILL FEEL SO SHITTY ABOUT IT.

CG: AND HIS BEHAVIOR IS STILL GOING TO HURT YOU BECAUSE HE’S NOT TREATING YOU FAIRLY.

CG: AND THE ONLY WAY YOU’RE GOING TO RATIONALIZE HIS BEHAVIOR IS IF YOU KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT YOU DESERVE IT.

CG: AND THAT’S GOING TO MAKE YOU CONTINUE FEELING LIKE A GARBAGE DUMP.

CG: SOMETHING NEEDS TO CHANGE. YOU’VE CLEARLY TRIED RATIONALIZING ALREADY AND IT’S NOT WORKING OUT.

TG: karkat i cant talk to him about it and i need you to not make what im about to say a big deal because its not

TG: i have tried to talk to him about it before and he socked me in the face and

TG: told me i was

TG: i guess it doesnt matter

TG: but as long as i dont bring it up he wont hit me i need a solution that doesnt involve talking about how unhappy i am

CG: YOU NEED TO GET OUT.

TG: no

CG: NO DAVE I’M DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS.

TG: hes the only thing in this shitty world that makes me happy

CG: COME STAY WITH ME FOR A BIT.

TG: i cant

TG: he might need me

CG: OF COURSE YOU CAN. I HAVE SPACE.

TG: no karkat please listen to me

TG: i cant leave because hes the only person in the whole world that makes me feel okay

CG: DAVE

CG: YOU DON’T HAVE TO LEAVE FOREVER.

TG: i dont want him to hate me hes my boyfriend

CG: OR CUT OFF ALL CONTACT.

CG: JUST COME STAY WITH ME FOR A WEEK OR TWO.

CG: GET SOME SPACE TO BREATHE FOR A BIT.

TG: i dont want to be a burden on you

CG: YOU WON’T BE.

TG: how on earth could i not be

CG: YOU’RE GOOD COMPANY AND SLIGHTLY LOWER MAINTENANCE THAN A CAT.

TG: i dont know how to tell john id be staying with you

TG: he might break up with me if i do

CG: I CAN TELL HIM IF YOU WANT.

TG: …

TG: ok

CG: OKAY.

CG: I’LL GET THE COUCH PULLED OUT SO YOU HAVE A PLACE TO SLEEP.

TG: fuck

TG: karkat i cant hes really mentally ill

TG: i have to be there for him

CG: YOU WILL HAVE YOUR PHONE.

CG: IF THERE’S AN EMERGENCY HE’LL BE ABLE TO CONTACT YOU.

CG: AND IF YOU NEED TO GO HOME I WILL COME WITH YOU.

CG: I’M INSERTING MYSELF AS THE MEDIATOR. THAT JUST HAPPENED.

TG: no no no oh god that is literally the exact definition of a burden

TG: i dont want to be that

CG: LITERALLY NOT BURDENING ME.

TG: im sorry for bothering you i gotta go ttyl

CG: IF IT WAS A PROBLEM I WOULDN’T DO IT.

CG: DAVE

CG: DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE GET BACK HERE

CG: WHAT YOU’RE FAILING TO REMEMBER IS HOW MUCH I LOVE MEDDLING IN PEOPLE’S RELATIONSHIPS GOD DAMMIT YOU ASSHOLE YOU DIDN’T BOTHER ME AT ALL I SWEAR TO GOD

TG: you promise

TG: that this isnt some massive inconvenience to you and you dont hate me

CG: I SWEAR ON TROLL WILL SMITH.

CG: I DON’T KNOW IF YOU REMEMBER THIS ABOUT ME OR NOT, BUT I’M PRETTY FORWARD ABOUT HATING PEOPLE.

TG: hate me in a platonic despising way not a you wanna bang me way

CG: I DON’T HATE YOU IN EITHER A PLATONIC OR A ROMANTIC WAY.

CG: YOU WOULD KNOW IF I DID.

TG: ok

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i think about it more and more lately and i think 

i would be happy if i married john

he would make me happy and help me feel safe

i dont mean it like i think being married to john would fix all my problems magically but i think im really happy lately

he loves me

he thinks im worth something

he wants me to become someone great and he wants me to be happy and he wants us to do something important with our lives

[filthytabloid]

my heart has been hurting all day and i dont like it

i want to gouge it out of my chest i dont want to be sad any more

i want my big brother to come protect me and tell me that things are going to be alright

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i tried to put space between me and john but it didnt help, i just feel so empty and tired and miserable that i dont feel like i can even move a lot of the time

in high school my psychology teacher told me about a student she had that was so depressed that she couldnt walk, that her mom had to drag her out of the car to drop her off at school and they had to carry her into the building

i tried to be sympathetic to the story when i heard it but i never really grasped how that was even possible until recently

my therapist told me that i care too much about giving john what he wants, and that i give up and give in, and that i have to change

i dont want to change

i have no energy to

i want john to hold me

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now more than ever i wish my bro was still alive and that i was still a kid

when i was a kid i had bad nightmares frequently but when i had them he would let me sleep with him

and i liked that so much that sometimes i would pretend that id had a bad nightmare

he was a lot bigger than me and way stronger and he felt super solid when he would hold me and i felt safe

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i started crying last night because i realized that one day my budgies will die, and i know thats stupid, but somehow it was the final straw

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i wish i was smarter and i wish i felt in control of my life and i wish i wasnt such a terrible person and i wish i had my own identity and i wish i could sleep

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i feel like scum knowing that the "severe emotional distress" john had yesterday was because of me 

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everyone always makes fun of me when i act jealous

so i feel like im not allowed to ask john not to do things that make me uncomfortable

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i wish he wouldnt blog about that guy so much

why hasnt he told the dude that hes taken

i feel like shit

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im really frustrated lately

i cant make good art and i dont even try with music any more

ive got all the bitterness and bad habits of an artist without the art

i used to be able to just push through and accept that my stuff is crap but its too much for me for whatever reason now

sigh

i know whining about it wont get me anywhere

ill keep trying

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thats exactly the kind of self-aggrandizing self-absorbed self-victimizing thing i hate about you

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im so nervous for tomorrow and i dont know why, my hands are shaking and i know im gonna fuck up but i dont even know what were doing tomorrow so why am i so sure, and i need to stop this before i really panic because i dont want to start sobbing and be a spectacle, i live with three other people i cant do this

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i told john about how gross and insecure i feel about my appearance lately since im starting to get out of shape and he said "no matter what you look like you are still the dave i love. whether i can pinch your stomach or not."

i guess theyre pretty dumb insecurities and its really my fault for not being disciplined and shit and i know my bro would be disappointed and all but

im relieved that john still loves me

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i want affection but i dont know how to ask for it

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i just feel really embarrassed and ashamed of myself and im starting to remember why i bottle things up in the first place even though i shouldnt