#but all the pain in the rest of my body is basically stress and anxiety

[tenrose]

I'm such a ball of tense muscles even my physics can't really do anything about it...

[chronicallycouchbound]

PSA: Please don’t ask participants to do grounding/mindful/somatic/etc practices at your events

Grounding exercises should not be an activity in large group settings, especially unsolicited and without warning, especially if you’re not aware of every single person in the space’s mental health conditions, physical health conditions, and personal relationship to their body.

Practices such as mindfulness, grounding, somatic exercises, breathing techniques, body scans, etc. are very helpful therapeutic tools to help manage stress. They can (and do!) help plenty of people– when taught safely and used effectively!

HOWEVER for people with conditions that cause psychosis and/or dissociative conditions such as depersonalization/derealization, these techniques are contraindicated and can make their symptoms significantly worse. They should only be used with guidance from their mental health team and adapted to their needs. For people with conditions like anxiety and PTSD, being aware of breathing can trigger a trauma response or anxiety attacks.

And for people with conditions that cause chronic pain or other uncomfortable bodily sensations, becoming re-centered with their bodies can cause more awareness of the pain they are in, which a level of (ideally functional) dissociation is actually helpful. For people in wheelchairs and powerchairs, touching the ground beneath their feet isn’t always an option. For people with cardiac and pulmonary conditions, deep breathing can be impossible or can trigger asthma attacks. For disabled people in general, doing body scans can be impossible due to paralysis or limb differences. They can bring awareness to things the person wasn’t aware were wrong to begin with (which is helpful in certain spaces, but not a great ice breaker at a retreat!)

And for trans people, binders and other garments can restrict breathing, and taking repeated deep breaths while binding can cause rib damage (which is why you shouldn't bind at night, while coughing from sickness, while exercising, etc). Becoming centered in a body that makes you dysphoric can be deeply distressing, again, a level of functional dissociation helps.

This also goes for plenty of other people in marginalized bodies, such as people of color, people who use substances, queer people, and more. Becoming grounded in your own marginalized body can be a heavy weight to carry, and needs appropriate and individualized care to be a beneficial experience.

As an alternative, I suggest doing a round of gratitudes instead, it allows for people to choose their level of vulnerability in spaces, while not being generally contraindicated for many people. Doing fun (and appropriate to the setting) icebreakers are great. Ask what brings someone to the space. Check-ins about basic needs such as if people need to use the restroom, eat, drink water, are rested, etc. can be more appropriate body check-ins for folks to do.

I don’t recommend doing these exercises even with a warning beforehand. If I'm in the room while someone is leading a breathing exercise, even if I try to ignore it, I (and most people) would automatically become aware of my breathing. The same goes for any other techniques. These techniques can cause real, life-threatening levels of harm for some people, and can even just be deeply uncomfortable or distressing for others. Dissociation is not inherently evil or bad or harmful. It is the way the body and mind naturally respond to adverse experiences (note: it can also cause distress and at higher levels, can be disordered) it is best to allow people to exist as they are in communal spaces. Let people show up as they are.

Most spaces are not equipped or appropriate to respond to emergencies, difficult feelings, and all the varied responses that can come from folks doing mindfulness in group settings.

I personally do some things before large gatherings and events to feel centered on the activity I’ll be doing, and afterward, I decompress. Encourage participants to lean on their natural supports and offer suggestions for it! Be creative in your caring!

This also doesn’t mean to discourage these practices! If you see someone doing deep breathing, check in with them, offer a space for them to decompress, care for them! Worksheets or posters on techniques like square breathing and 5 senses check-ins are great for a quiet room or spaces where participants can decide if they want/are able to engage with those tools. It should be a fully consensual opt-in, rather than being forced to opt-out. Having to leave a room when a group leader says “We’re going to start a mindful breathing meditation, please feel free to leave if you have psychosis, chronic pain, or are trans” is obviously othering and outs people.

Sincerely, someone who has psychotic symptoms, dissociation, chronic pain, is trans and whose body is marginalized in many ways and is really tired from trying to explain this at every event I go to

[analexthatexists]

Here, take this ball of living anxiety.

This is a mix between my own version of a Dream that was corrupted like Nightmare and a rewriting of Shattered Dreams. Had a lot of fun with this one, so here they are!

I don't have a name for them or their AU, so please suggest stuff. I was thinking maybe Insomniac!Dream/Insomnia, but I don't think that fits them.

Want more than just these drawings? I have a LOT written about this AU and Dream specifically below, so uh, enjoy that if you want to. There is a LOT of text though.

Here’s my attempt at summarizing this AU:

Dream and Nightmare are fighting as usual, but Dream tries to purify Nightmare’s soul by reaching out for it. This seems to to fail, which then leads to Nightmare managing to corrupt Dream’s soul instead, at first thinking this will finally kill him. It doesn’t, and Nightmare accidentally turns Dream into a goop monster like himself, albeit less sadistic and power hungry, more an anxious mess. Nightmare also now has an annoying ghost child screaming about not killing people in the back of his head thanks to Dream messing with his soul.

And here’s the long explanation!

This takes place recently after Dream’s escape from stone and during a fight against Nightmare, similar timing and series of events as the Shattered Dreams AU. In an attempt to get his brother back, Dream gets a hold of Nightmare’s soul, purifying it just the smallest amount before his arm melts. Nightmare obviously didn’t like this, retaliating by pushing Dream down and slamming his fist into his stomach. finally reaching and corrupting his soul. While Dream can’t touch the dark apples else they become gold ones, his soul can still technically be corrupted like them, as Nightmare’s can be purified if gained a hold of by Dream, albeit nearly impossible. Dream’s body leaks a dark liquid as Nightmare finished the corruption, but as Nightmare tries to release him to let him suffer the pain, he finds himself unable to let go of his soul, his hand turning from a dark teal to a burnt orange color that begins spreading up his arm. He has to slice off his own arm to ensure the magic doesn’t spread to the rest of his body as the goop from his detached limb, alongside the goop left on the battlefield from their clashing, begins to creep over to the soul. While his skeleton body is destroyed and melted away, his soul and the rest of the goop reforms into Dream’s new self, a process similar to Nightmare’s death and “return” during the incident. Nightmare, confused as all Hell and upset with himself that he didn’t expect this somehow, flees to rethink things while Dream questions his existence. Nightmare, after fleeing, realizes Dream’s attempt to restore the original Nightmare had worked…kind of. Nightmare has to deal with his original self constantly fighting for control over the body and bossing him around. While he still has primary control over their body, the original’s not willing to back down easily and is constantly annoying him, trying to mentally attack him until he stops doing whatever evil deeds he’s trying to do. Basically, this animatic was their dynamic.

As for The Guardian himself…

Appearance

After the reincarnation, most of his body has become a dark, burnt orange sludge. It appears lighter in color than Nightmare’s due to the corpse being mixed into the mass that makes his body up. The goop fades to a dark orange like his outline at his arms and legs, as well as parts of his torso. In contrast to Nightmare’s right eye, his left eye is now covered by goop. His right eye is neon orange and in the shape of a star, and grows sharp when angered or scared. He swapped his boots for something more fluffy and endurable, and sometimes wears a fluffy jacket that matches the colors of his boots, mostly when he's cold or stressed out. He’s also taken off his crown, at least for now, and has it stored away in a pocket inside his jacket. While he is able to, he usually doesn’t have tentacles out, or does he like using them, favoring actual weapons. When expressing intense emotions like rage or despair, Dream's body will, as seen in the photo above, glow a little orange and increase in saturation. Also, his tears are light orange and float upwards like his goop when he gets angry.

Weapons & Abilities

Aura Warp - He can teleport to AUs that radiate large amounts of negativity or ones Nightmare’s in. The opposite is also an option, but they physically hurt Dream depending on how positive they are. If the AU is overwhelmingly positive, it can start to burn Dream. Weapon Manifestation - He can create his own weapons using the slime that makes up his body. His weapon choices are primarily his bow and arrow, but he can also create sharp ink daggers that can pierce and stab like Nightmare’s tentacles. He refuses to manifest actual tentacles and works with knives/blades better anyways. Empathetic/Apathetic Influence - A fancy set of words that boil down to “He can boost people’s positive and negative feelings when he’s around them.” He usually can’t control this power. Heres how it works; Let’s say Swap Sans is feeling a little nervous about a human arriving to Snowdin and wants to impress them. Dream can turn this small concern into an explosion of panic and fear. Swap will become very self conscious and paranoid about how the human views and thinks of him. These effects will usually wear off once Dream leaves the area. The farther he is, the less effective. Telepathy - If he’s in the AU, Dream can telepathically talk to people by projecting his voice into the minds of others. This is usually how he talks to people, acting as their internal consciousness (or at least acting like that’s what he is) rather than getting up close to people. This is his primary way of helping people without startling them with his physical form. Dream Manifestation - If the person Dream’s physically close enough to is sleeping and dreaming or having a nightmare, Dream can enter their mind and manifest, either as himself or some other form that shares his voice and consciousness, in that person’s dream/nightmare. Upon entering, the dream will turn into a nightmare, or the nightmare will get worse. This is beyond his control, but he can still interact and try to comfort the dreamer until they wake up.

Personality

Dream shares the same mental state and ideals as his post-incident, Pre-Underverse self (When he still had his staff and his original outfit after eating the golden apple). However, after being corrupted there were some changes to his mindset. He’s become more easily scared and paranoid, like a reverse to his character growth in the present/Underverse. He’s also more prone to having breakdowns because of these factors. He’s also become insomniac and is unable to fall asleep easily if at all. He’s very clingy when he meets people that are nice to him, though he scares most people away from him. Sometimes he can become obsessive and forceful when it comes to actions or taking control, but the thing that separates him from Nightmare (And the original Shattered) is that he never gets sadistic or joyful of the pain he causes people, rather he gets very shameful and guilty once he finally settles back down and realizes what he’s done. He’s still determined to do his job spreading positivity and stopping negativity, though it’s proven to become difficult as he scares most people away and his aura gives off negativity. Dream's very scatterbrained and tends to slip up when it comes to doing his job correctly, getting too concerned about making things go bad and usually making things worse by overthinking so.

Likes

Fluffy things (Especially clothing) Hot chocolate Winter weather and forests Nature walks Helping others and successfully doing so The sound of birds chirping Butterflies & moths Small ponds or bodies of water Frogs

Dislikes

Loud noises High temperatures Open or lit fires Watching things like chocolate melt People getting scared of him / mistaking him for Nightmare Spiders, centipedes, most multi-legged or loud insects Pinecones (Irrational Fear)

Trivia

-Randomly considered him sounding like Sad ENA, and now I can't unhear it. Honestly, I think the voice fits him pretty well too. -Dream has not met Cross or Ink, but has bumped into Swap (and accidentally caused him to have a mental breakdown) while uncontrollably jumping across AUs while still getting used to his body. -If this Dream ever met Shattered Dream, he'd probably get too scared of them and run away before much else could occur. However, if he ever met SD's Nightmare, they'd become very clingy and defensive over them, scheming to basically "kidnap" them while trying to explain to him why that's better than putting up with his corrupt brother. -In a sense, Dream is a lot like Pearl, or at least her Season 1 self. Specifically in that over-obsessive “I’ll do anything to keep you safe” nature and getting too lost in helping others to a point they don’t realize the damage their causing to people, which only makes them want to help more until they get called out for good -Originally, Nightmare would have absorbed Dream's corrupted soul only for Dream to then take over his body and be reborn that way, but then I felt like that was a little...weird and nonsensical, so I toned it back and went with my original idea. -While making this AU, I basically told myself "Okay, I need to make this the exact opposite of what Shattered is. I'm going to turn him into a pathetic baby who's one bad social encounter away from exploding", and that's how we got here. -Yes, Nightmare talking to the ghost of his original self is based off the dynamic they had in Shattered Dreams as well. I realized after reading some canon facts about Dreamtale that technically you could have "Corrupt Dream and Two-Nightmares-In-One-Body" in the same story. You can have your gross slime cake and eat it too without worrying too much about it making lore-accurate sense!

[niuniente]

I stumbled upon above image from this blog and went “Huh, that’s exactly how my fingernails grow. I know it can be a sign of a severe health problem but doctors haven’t found anything and my fingernails have looked like that for my whole life”. (I’d like to grow my nails long but I can’t because the pressure of the curving is too much and painful.)

(and here’s a pic of healthy nails, growing as they should)

I checked the origin of the photo and found the blog I just mentioned. It’s run by an English person who was diagnosed with BJHS - Benign Joint Hybermobility Syndrome. I read all the person’s experiences and symptoms and yikes! That’s me! (with overlapping IBS and iron deficiency which can’t be treated)

“Benign meaning “it will not kill me,” not that it’s all fluffy-kittens-and-sunshine. Joint Hypermobility meaning my joints move too much in the wrong ways (yes, “double jointed,” though of course I have only a single set of each joint). Syndrome meaning that this problem creates a cascade of other issues throughout my body. BJHS is a connective tissue-based disorder. Somewhere along the line, my genetics have made it so that I don’t either produce enough of, or don’t process completely, the protein collagen. Collagen is like the scaffolding for every connective tissue in  your body. Connective tissues include: skin, muscles, ligaments, tendons, hair, bones, eyes, blood vessels, spinal discs, cartilage, the intestines, the heart, the liver… basically, everywhere. In fact, I can’t actually name a part of the body that doesn’t contain it.”

Here are the blog person’s experiences VS my experiences

Insomnia: did I mention the hyper-wired, jazzed-up, over-talkative, never-shuts-down nature of my brain? That I get more hyper the more exhausted I become? That I used to sleep so lightly that my roommate in college could wake me up by writing in her journal? Did I mention that, without the right meds, I probably get one or two nights of truly deep, restful sleep… a year? Me: Yup! I sleep so slightly that when I had a flatmate, I woke up when she touched the handle of her door. Though my insomnia isn’t as bad as this persons, I do regularly need melatonin to sleep normally. Otherwise I can’t fall asleep until 8am, even if I was super tired during the day. Otherwise I sleep well.

Liver metabolism: I have serious problems processing medications, as I have a liver that is slow to metabolize chemicals. I cannot take a very long list of drugs, including most pain killers. This also includes naturopathic treatments… even my own hormones! I get side effects (or no effects) with everything I take. As my naturopath likes to say: “You just walk by a chemical, and it affects you.” Me: My shiatsu healer said that my liver is not working properly. I have hormonal problems. Even with the IUD I still get them monthly, though IUD has improved my health tremendously.

Complex PTSD and anxiety: like the stuff combat veterans get, only not quite. Caused by excessive exposure to stressful situations that one cannot escape, like, say… a bully at work (not saying that was my situation. Just as an example…). Though I received great treatment, people with BJHS are prone to stuff like this: fight or flight, remember? Me: I’m getting better but I’m 24/7 anxious more or less. I hope I can continue having anxiety medication for “bad things” like traveling. Do you know how annoying it is that you love traveling and have traveled the same journey for 10+ years and your anxiety still says “Okay but this time, something bad CAN happen!!” I was also pretty much mute for 12 years. My muscles are tense 24/7 due hyperactive nervous system and anxiety.

Heart palpitations: yucky, but harmless Me: Sometimes they happen, ugh...

Irritable bowel syndrome Me: TELL ME ABOUT IT QoQ The IUD has helped with this, too, as apparently I also have endometriosis which causes IBS to some.

Sinus problems and severe allergies (go immune system, go!) Me: YUP! Just got finally an allergy medication after sneezing daily, 20 times a day for 30 years. I new life has began! My nose isn’t running! I don’t need to have a truckload of tissues everywhere!

GERD (bad acid reflux) Me: And it gets worse with hormonal changes... I’ve got 4 different medications for this.

Poor balance and an inability to fully understand where my body is in relation to everything else. Me: Not really my issue but I do get clumsy with hormonal chances. It’s a common joke between me and my sister by now.

An inability to regulate body temperature, including both freezing extremities and excessive sweating, sometimes at the same time Me: This is genuinely THE WORST! It’s -30C outside, I go there half-naked, walk for 3 minutes and I’m sweating like a little big. All my clothes are trenched with sweat in 10 minutes. I’m inside and it’s 23C and I need wool socks and wake up with a sore throat because it’s too cold. I also “catch” the temperatures easily and shower (or sauna) is then the only option. If I catch “cold”, I will not warm up no matter how warmly I dress and sit in front of a heater. If I catch “hot”, I will not cool down even if I sat in front of a fan naked with ice-cubes on my body.

Hair that breaks easily and nails that are bent and curl off the tips of my fingers, as well as fingers that wrinkle like I’ve been in the tub for days Me: Yes. I need to use hair oil daily and baby oil for body and my eyes are like Sahara desert. Nails curve and my fingers are always wrinkly.

I have painful big toe joints, so no high heels for me. Walking long distances can be a disaster, so good shoes are very important. I suffer from plantar fasciitis, which means the bottoms of my feet hurt, especially in the morning. Me: Same. I went to doctor to complain how my toes hurt but they couldn’t find anything. My soles hurt extremely easily - like 5h walking and I’m already in pain. Doesn’t matter if I’m 45kg or 100kg in weight, it still hurts the same. Fingers hurt all the time.

My immune system is hyper-active as well, mounting elaborate, full-scale mucus or lymph node or other responses to mild colds and viruses. I’m sick a lot longer than normal people, and a lot more seriously, yet it’s not due to a poor immune system, but rather one that’s too strong. Me: Same. Last time I was sick was in 2017. It was just a normal cold but it took 4 weeks from me to recover. I was bedridden for a week. I’ve not gotten covid and despite my shitty bowl I don’t get sick easily. I don’t remember the last time I was sick prior 2017. Probably in 2007? With a bit runny nose though.

Loose connective tissues mean joints that move too easily, which means pinched nerves and pain. Think about how it feels when you throw your back out, or get carpal tunnel syndrome. Now imagine this feeling all over your body.  My nerves get pinched, causing several types of pain. I get back pain, obviously. I get numbness and mild paralysis in my thighs and hands. I get weakness in my legs and arms, and sciatica/restless leg sensations if I sit too long. Worst of all, I get parasthesia in my fingers and toes (that’s the tingling, painful sensation you get when you sit funny and your foot goes numb, then starts to wake up). I have this sensation, in varying degrees, all the time. Me: I’m literally in pain all around my body from neck below, for 24/7. Only the level of pain differs. I get easily numbness to arms and legs. I’ve started to suffer of restless legs and middle body with heavy jolting, especially if I’m tired. If I’m stressed and go to sleep, my nose and lips switch a lot.

[purplefiction-ao3]

I don’t want to be a downer but I need to vent. I want to rest but my body demands attention.

I’ve had more tonic-clonic seizures in 2024 so far than I had in all of 2021/2022/2023 combined. Which means no driving, which = less independence.

My lung function is so poor and it’s putting a lot of stress on my heart, which stresses me out more because I’m so scared of rejection or cardiac arrest.

The thing is though, I’m so tired. I’m tired of being in pain. I’m in a constant state of high stress and anxiety because I’m struggling to breathe and constantly feeling air hunger.

My doctor has officially uttered the words I’ve been fearful of. If I can’t find a doctor willing to try one more tracheal reconstruction surgery (I’ve had 3, none have really improved the situation other than buying me more time🥴), the only option to improve “quality of life” will be to get another tracheostomy.

My first tracheostomy experience was traumatic for the couple of years I had it. To be told I’m looking at a permanent trach feels life altering in a way so many other medical things I’ve experienced weren’t.

The way people treated me when I was trached and vent dependent was awful. Totally invisible. My voice is already so weak and gives out easily, I’m scared I’ll permanently lose the ability to talk.

I’m grateful for medicine and my heart transplant and all of the extra time I’ve been given. But… I just need a break. I just wish I could have a break from my broken body once in a while.

No need to worry, I’m not suicidal or anything. Just contemplating mortality and wondering at what point I just need to stop with the medical interventions and let my body do it’s thing. I have a DNR that applies in certain situations and a living will but still.

This wont be the medical intervention I refuse though, if I chose to stop medical interventions. If a trach and vent are necessary for me to not feel like I’m struggling to breathe, I’ll do it. If there is one way I don’t want to die, it’s suffocating to death. Severe air hunger and the inability to breathe unassisted ranks as maybe the #1 worst things I’ve ever experienced.

So, let this serve as my current life update and as an explanation why updates for my WIP on AO3 may be slow. I’ve had three massive seizures just this weekend and I’m feeling all around sick, depressed, and too weak to even lift my own head up. I’ve relied on caregivers for all of my basic needs these past 3 or 4 days. Hopefully, once I can hold my own head up and change positions without doubling over in severe pain again, I’ll be able to get the next chapter out in a reasonable amount of time. Mostly I’m hoping to avoid a hospital stay and I’m hoping I won’t end up with an emergency trach this week. I want to be able to make this decision not under duress this time.

Good thoughts, vibes, and even prayers (if that’s your thing) are so appreciated. I need all of the encouragement possible right now.

[the-jam-to-the-unicorn]

Hey everyone ...

I guess, I'm back (more or less).

First of all, thanks for all the messages and the love. ❤️❤️❤️ It's really sweet of all of you to be so concernced about me. ❤️❤️❤️

I am getting better (sooner or later), so I'll try to be back and more active. On top of my list is finishing the new Showman and all the advent calendar fanfics as soon as possible. Please have a tiny bit of more patience. I'm very, very, very and deeply sorry about how this went and I wish, I could have managed to still upload the fics every day. I'll try to post them as soon as possible.

Also, answering all the messages and finally coming around to post all the content and check up on what I missed (on tumblr, with my mutuals, with Ze and Olena, ... - if anyone wants to update me, feel free to send a message ❤️).

And about what happened, for anyone who wants to know (putting under a cut for anyone who doesn't care which is totally fine):

I started to have back problems some weeks ago but I more or less ignored them. I was being very active over the last few weeks, did a lot of sport and increased the difficulty and on top of that was a bit stressed about several things in my life (like the whole eye infection thing but also other things). So I thought my back pain was a mixture of sore muscles and just stress. Since the back pain also disappeared sometimes or was barely noticable, I thought, it's probably nothing.

Oh boy, was I wrong.

Over the last weekend my back started to get worse but since I had a pretty intense training on Friday, I still thought it's just sore muscles. On Monday it got really awful and I started to have a lot of pain all the time, to a point, were I needed stronger and stronger medication and could barely move. On Tuesday my boyfriend dragged me to the doctor but since he was already gone, I got an appointment for Wednesday, believing that would be no problem (I was massively downplaying my pain since I hate, hate, hate doctors thanks to my anxiety - which sucks since I have super nice and awesome doctors but unfortunately my anxiety doesn't care).

Welp, I did not make it until Wednesday. By Tuesday afternoon I was in so much pain that I was basically crying non-stop and could only move with pain. In the end, my boyfriend put me in the car and we drove to the emergency room (anxiety and immense pain is not a great combination, so on top of all that - hello panic attacks; but bless my boyfriend for doing this and getting me help).

In the emergency room they drugged with the heavy stuff to stop the pain and ease my nerves and after hours, I was allowed to leave, with strong painkillers in my bag.

Next day I went to my doctor and ever since he's treating me with strong painkillers and therapy starting next week.

I needed some days to get used to the painkillers and give my body some rest (also because I was emotional and psychially drained - it was hard on my psyche since this was another health issue in a long row I had this year and I had yet again to go to the hospital). I'm not pain free, the pain is just managable. Sitting hurts after a short time, lying on a flat surface is okay, standing is 50:50 of being in pain or not so much.

I still have an MRT coming up next week. Let's see what that says.

I am on my way of recovery and my doctor said it needs up to two weeks before my back starts to get better, so at this point, I'm counting down days and try to numb the pain as much as possible.

No idea who cursed my health this year, but sincerely fuck you and find someone else. I've honestly seen enough doctors, hospitals, machines and medications this year.

[c0pernicus]

I feel like I never really see people talk about just how bad the long term effects of prolonged abuse, or C-PTSD can really be in people, especially young people, and I wish it was talked about more.

I pretty much never talk about my own experiences for safety reasons, because I would always receive a whole mess if I did choose to try and tell others what I went through, and maybe that's what has made my experience with C-PTSD so bad, but its genuinely so debilitating.

The burn out, the exhaustion, the body aches and horrible sleep schedules and inability to maintain a job because my emotions and brain had really never recovered even years- half a decade- after everything stopped. The digestive issues, the memory problems, the entire lack of a sense of identity and self. The lack of want to put effort into my identity and self.

I feel like I'm chronically searching for someone that's supposed to be me. Constantly, I'm stuck now trying to validate a sense of self I no longer possess. Old passions, old hobbies, old things I liked and enjoyed- It feels like I've been stripped down to bone and nothing sticks anymore. If I have an interest it's very fleeting and I usually will drop it once I find I start to enjoy it, as if its been so heavily ingrained in my brain that peace and happiness and to just enjoy things isn't something I'm allowed. I've become incapable of thinking anything even neutral about myself at this point. I don't believe nearly anything anyone else says to me, and I feel very passive towards others in general if I'm not terrified of them instead. I lack friends and connections, and I constantly hide away from others.

I'm constantly frozen. I can't function on even a basic level if someone else is present in my home; I have to be doing what they're doing, or engaged in some way with what they're doing (Watching, observing, next to them at the very least and quietly doing something unobtrusive) or I can't do anything at all. If I am left alone I'm riddled with anxiety and my mood plummets, my intrusive thoughts are constant and like a horrible movie montage I can't turn off. Trying to lay down and sleep is no better, for years I've been stuck having to just occupy my brain until I pass out.

It's a constant ghost I just can't seem to exorcise from myself. No amount of trying to forgive or forget or let go or move on or accept has made a pebbles difference in the mountain I'm stuck under. I forget everything and anything except for what caused all of this; my wife and friend constantly cut me off to tell me that they've already heard what I'm telling from before from my own mouth, and they I know there are times where they let me continue like it's the first time I've ever told them the fact or the story and I'm simply none-the-wiser. I can't remember things I've done, things I need to do, events or recent days even. I feel stupid and airheaded on the best days, and I know it shows to others because they've told me before.

Work is hard because of the anxiety, the agoraphobia, the memory problems, the health problems. I'm sick constantly; I can't eat or retain food, I have the flu, I've caught Covid for the 8th time despite trying to be good about cleanliness when I leave the house and return. I can't eat a lot of food without being in pain, with it going right through me or sitting like a rock in my stomach for several days. My joints ache more often, my muscles are sore, my traps are solid to a concerning degree from the daily stress of just living with it all. I can't remember the last time my eyes weren't sunken in and purple-blue.

Therapists have only wanted to slap me with a diagnosis and an array of medications- none of which have worked. I've been told it's depression, it's anxiety, it's PTSD, it's bi-polar, it's BPD, it's psychotic depression, it's schizoaffective, it's DID. The DID one threw me for a loop, I'm not going to lie, but the rest were believable enough. I don't look at my medical charts anymore, so I don't know what I have or haven't been branded with by now. The meds and talk therapy never help, I never feel release, I don't believe words anymore- especially from strangers. The meds make the brain fog worse, or I feel numb, or people don't like the person I've become, or my self harming gets much worse, or I just want to kill myself enough to really try to.

Stress tips me over the edge so easily. The hallucinations suck and I resent them. They're a one way ticket to being unemployed and unfunctional for potentially months at a time, and it's humiliating after the fact as well. The last time I had a bad episode I believed there was a man living in my closet, and I couldn't go inside of it. I would hear him moving around inside, he'd yell and get so angry if you opened the door. I've thankfully forgotten the name I gave him; it was something stupid for sure.

I've become a miserable ghost, and I don't see any light at the end of the long tunnel. There is no way back to my body. I'm just lost and wandering and witnessing but never participating. It hurts the most to think of how I was before too many things piled up; the passion and the drive and the creativity. Always making something, always doing something, there was always some project or plan or thing I was doing that I felt pride for. I didn't care if I was weird to others, because I was confident in myself.

I just lay down now, when I can. I do my dishes and my laundry, I try to shower when it doesn't make me nauseous to. I take care of my cats and I work jobs infrequently. I sit with my parents disappointment in who I've become like it's an old friend, and we share coffee and reveries.

I exist, begrudgingly. That is the only thing I try to take pride in now.

[strugglinguist]

Do you mind sharing more about your hospital experience if it isn't too traumatic? I also have IST and EDS and this is a fear I have, so i'd like to hear your experience. Thank you ❤️

Not at all! Last January, I was teaching and stood up to use the board. I immediately broke out into sweat from everywhere, got tunnel vision, and felt light headed. It freaked me out, and then it kept happening. Usually went I stood but not always. After fighting a doctor who swore I had just been drinking too much caffeine (ugh that’s a whole story) I finally wore a heart monitor for a few days and we were waiting to get into a cardiologist.

By March, I was pretty desperate to figure out what was going on. My heart rate was acting like I was sprinting on and off all day, and I was exhausted. They told me that if I went to the ER, it might expedite the referral. I was planning on going and basically doing a sit in until I could be seen. The night before I had planned on going, however, I was watching TV and my watch warned me my heart rate was high. I watched it climb to 175 and it wouldn’t go down. I was shaking and getting tunnel vision and panicked. We called an ambulance. They brought me in, again assuming it was something like anxiety, but it didn’t go down. They hooked me up to monitors and did blood work and a CAT scan to check for clots. Everything came back that it wasn’t super scary, so we waited for my heart rate to dip below 100 bpm before I could go home. That took six hours. I was in a cardiologist by the end of the week! We did a stress test and a tilt table eventually, determining that it wasn’t postural but my heart definitely likes to race… but perfectly normally. So I’m on beta blockers, and that alleviates most of my issues. The highest my heart rate tends to get now is 120-130 and my resting heart rate is actually in the normal range.

This is also related to EDS. I’ve been formally diagnosed with Hypermobility Spectrum Disorder with the understanding that it’s most likely hEDS, but since there’s no firm test or treatment the rheumatologist said HSD would serve us fine. We discovered the hypermobility the October before my heart got in on the game. I went in complaining about my knee crunching, they found arthritis, and my PT went “ohhhh you’re so hypermobile.”. My lower body is the main issue: lower back, knees, ankles, and feet. We kind of opened Pandora’s box with joint pain then, realizing I use the wrong muscle groups to walk and climb stairs, and I’m only now seeing relief and pay off with my knees and feet thanks to an anti-inflammatory med, PT, and custom orthotics for my shoes. I also use a cane full time to have support when walking if pain flares so I can keep going instead of waiting for it to pass.

I’m happy to talk more about it! It’s been a few years of me coming to terms with being visibly disabled and the limitations that life has now. But it’s also a relief to find explanations for things, too ☺️

Edit: In terms of hospital experience, I have found that they are nice enough but shy away from complex cases. Same for specialists I’ve seen. It takes a lot of advocating for yourself to get what you need, and I am always down to share the frustrating aspects of that and what I’ve learned to ask.

[bugbyte]

Today was good! I’m a little overwhelmed!

3:30 am posting because I’m feeling slightly wound thanks to today being a whole day, but it wasn’t a bad day?

Short version: bunch of appointments, thankfully all online, but after last week being stress central this was tolerable. I got my MMJ eval and it was quick and easy and if anything I over prepared because I’m so used to not being believed and having to back myself up with data. (Which I have to gather and keep for myself because medicine is apparently just a free for all where no one communicates with each other through the online app they have specifically so they can all access data about me from each other! Neat!)

Anyway that was a major relief and I was ready to cry because they said that this should work really well with the conditions and symptoms I have. I’ll probably write something up on the process later (because I would’ve liked a plain English walkthrough of what to expect but that’s ok) but I got my card from the state, which is all digital now, so welcome to the future, I guess.

We headed out to a pretty well reviewed and priced medical dispensary in the area and had a long info session on what would work best for me and landed on some low dose (for now) capsules and gummies. Then we got fried chicken because I’d had enough for one day and went home to see if it would work.

I took a capsule, ate my chicken, and waited. They did advise taking it with a fatty food (could’ve been peanut butter or avocado or anything really; we just got chicken for its uh, health…improving….properties….yeah that sounds right) It took like a solid hour and change to notice anything, and the effects were pretty minor.

I kept trying to explain what was happening to Delade but it was a very subtle thing and hard to get across. Basically the calmest I’ve felt in ages (bonus) and like a slight tiredness, like when you’re tired at the end of the day but not exhausted or like drugged tired if you take something to get to sleep and it hits hard. Just a nice soft calm feeling.

I got brave and tried adding in an extra half a gummy (watermelon flavor!) and that hit much more quickly and mostly just added to the soft feeling. Trying to put it in better words, it was like the different between laying directly on the hard floor, or laying on a puffy blanket on the floor. You can still feel the floor, but it’s much more comfortable than otherwise. I didn’t really feel particularly loopy other than finding a few things funnier than they probably actually were. I think I would compare it in drowsiness more to like…if you’ve been given an opioid after surgery or dental work or something, it’s kind of more like that than feeling just knocked right out. I always felt like these kinds of things gave me a sort of “cozy,” safe feeling while still being conscious enough to do some light things, and this was similar. Everybody’s different though so I might be a weirdo.

So yeah, it does work! I wasn’t expecting like a 100% change in pain levels, and this will definitely take some fine tuning to get right, but there was a difference for sure. I had the makings of a nasty headache after being stressed out all afternoon, which didn’t seem affected much by anything I took so that’s interesting. If I hadn’t had the headache I probably would have attempted some comic work but staring directly into a screen felt like a bad idea. In any case the sharp edges of the pain in the rest of my body got filed way down and I’m pretty amazed overall.

I know this can work now! So I can try again tomorrow! Hopefully with less stress headache so I can get a better gauge on how it actually feels! And hopefully try to draw.

So now I just have to figure out how not to feel weird about this talking to various doctors. Some recommended it, some I can imagine being less positive, but I think the anxiety about being judged is mostly in my head.

Anyway! It was a good experience overall, both the process for getting the card and actually trying the drug itself. If it’s something you’ve been looking into and have questions I can try and answer based on my (admittedly brief) experience so far. I only know how things work in NY, but being pretty anxious I get how it can feel more enormous to figure out when you don’t know the whole scope of a thing or what it’s like to actually do.

This entire thing makes me cackle btw because in fifth grade I won some DARE essay contest in school and I think got some kind of gift card I spent on art supplies, and a hat with the DARE lion mascot thing on it, which I think I still have and should probably start wearing for maximum dumbassery.

[honeyblve]

i had a huge milestone happen yesterday in my health journey and i wanted to vent and document it for myself, kind of like a journal entry, because this is the end of a chapter and beginning of another for me. its kind of a selfish post that nobody else will probably care about but i think it will be nice to have to look back on. im not sure if adding trigger warnings to this post is needed but im going to add them just incase anyone takes the time to read this if you do read this i appreciate it sm.

tw: injury, mistreatment from doctors, mental health issues, su*cide

for the past year ive been dealing with a serious back injury that has wreaked havoc on my life. i had to quit my job and was basically bed ridden for months. its effected my mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing in such a horrible and traumatic way. i've seen numerous doctors and tried multiple types of possible solutions with no resolve in my pain, been rejected by a doctor for surgery due to my body type (dont even get me started on that bs. it was fully a him problem and not a me problem), and essentially lost all quality of life. at one point i was so exhausted and overstimulated from all the pain that i didnt see any point in living if the rest of my life was going to be consumed with an unimaginable and unbearable amount of pain. i spent many nights crying myself to sleep, feeling very isolated and alone, taking insane amounts of medicine for a small amount of relief, unable to rest due to pain, and missed out on some very important moments in my life and others around me lives as well. i graduated college earlier this year after 5 years of working full time, going to college full time, and dealing with health issues on top of it and was unable to walk across the stage and celebrate my hard work all because of this injury. i bottled up a lot of the stress and sadness i was experiencing because i didnt want to add another thing on to the list of problems to figure out for myself or my family. which in turn caused me to start having major issues with anxiety and depression. a year in my life that was meant for growth, transition, and finding my footing as a proper adult was completely overtaken. to say it was a hard year is such an understatement but truly the only way i can really put it.

yesterday, i saw a new specialist and was finally approved for surgery after being turned down by another specialist back in september ‘22. a surgery that takes 45 minutes and will almost instantly relieve any pain im experiencing. a surgery that i was told would usually be suggested 6 weeks into experiencing symptoms a year and two months after i started experiencing symptoms. for the first time i was shown my mri results that i had done 9 months ago and explained just how severe the injury in my back is. my jaw was on the floor at how horrible it was. i could finally understand what was happening inside my body. it helped my brain justify everything that ive been experiencing and proved to myself that i wasnt crazy. when i was asked if i wanted to move forward with the surgery it was the first time that i felt like i wasnt just being observed and passed along for someone else to make the decision for me. i finally felt like i was given the opportunity to speak for myself and make a decision for my own body. i wasnt seen based only on my outer appearance or a number on a scale. i was seen as a human being who is experiencing pain 24/7 for over 400 days and needed help. finally my advocacy for myself worked and a doctor is on my side. when he left the room i immediately started sobbing and felt like i could breathe for the first time in what felt like forever.

looking back i think in many ways this year was meant for internal growth. there were a lot of things i had to learn about myself and begin to change. either through therapy or by opening up to family and friends. so even though it was not necessarily growth in the literal world, i grew up a lot within myself. for some reason in all of my circumstances i always feel the need to learn something. maybe its just blind optimism. whatever it is though it helps me put one foot in front of the other. what i learned through all of this is valuing myself and knowing my self worth. i learned how to advocate for myself and not take no for an answer. i learned how strong i am in multiple areas of my life. but i also learned how to accept help and know that i cant do everything by myself. and that doesnt mean that i'm weak.

if anyone reads this i hope that you know its so important to learn to advocate for your wellbeing and dont allow anyone to mistreat you, use you, or demand that you meet their expectations before being treated as a human being. its okay to take a step back and take care of yourself. and when it comes to doctors and medicine, trust. your. body. it knows when something is wrong. doctors are just people and sometimes dont know wtf theyre talking about. they are not all-knowing deities. they dont live in your body. not agreeing with them is not against the law. it is okay to seek out care from someone else. and if you feel stuck with someone who is not listening to you or who doesnt see you as a human being, there are doctors out there that truly love what they do and want to help you. they dont see you as a statistic or a box to check off on a long list of things to do for the day. they truly want to see you thrive and be healthy. sometimes it just takes a little work to find them.

anyways this was much longer than i expected it to be. if you read this far down i am so grateful that you took some time to read this post. it means a lot. and if future me reads this, i hope i've continued to learn how to value myself in all circumstances and not take any of lifes bs.

[poindexterjames]

It was uncomfortable sleeping in my bed.

The bed is supposed to be a place to rest and seek comfort after a long day's work. It was for me. Until it isn't. This year, because of stress and anxiety, the cushion that I most looking forward to retire to turned to a slab of stone.

The bed is supposed to be the place to dream. It was, until it isn't. It became extremely uncomfortable sleeping on that when I wake up, my body hurts and more fatigued than I was the day before.

And so, I did not sleep.

Only then that I realized that my dreams stopped coming even before I stopped sleeping.

It was uncomfortable in my bed.

The fear of waking up in more pain made me force myself to stay awake at night, thinking that I cannot be in more pain the next day if my previous day hasn't ended yet. I am in a constant loop.

But that is probably another mistake that I have made. In sleeping, at least one can have a couple of hours of rest from paranoia.

I cannot shut my brain down. I lie awake in an already uncomfortable bed, overthinking about basically all things in my life. Work. Money. Family. Friends. Romance (or a lack thereof.) My future. It suffocated me. This year, I had anxiety attack me several times, and they all sneak in at night.

And that's when the nightmare began.

It was uncomfortable.

This year, my self-pity reached its peak. At home, at work, with my friends, with family, I feel inadequate. It is like I have this marquee hanging above my head with the words "nobody" written on it dancing in neon lights.

Because that is who I am. A nobody. Always forcing a smile and pretending to be happy on the outside.

All of me has been exhausted in the past months and I have nothing left. Money. Tears. Pride. Hope. Dreams. Inspiration. Add to that the personal problems that are continuously drowning me.

Every time I lie awake at night, I think of these things, and I pity the person I have become. It is so uncomfortable to be me.

If only I can crawl out of my skin and inhabit a shell that I can be proud of.

It was.

When the sun rises and the new day begins, 2022 will already belong in the realm of was. I am going to look back on it as one of the most emotionally significant years in my life. Although I am grateful for the lessons this year has brought me, I would not like to live it again, especially the first half of it. I am grateful that I have discovered some traits that I previously did not know I have had in me. But 2022, good riddance.

2023 will be the year of letting go of all the dreams I have that are probably improbable for me to achieve at this moment in my life. First and foremost, me studying law.

Me in law school already feels like it should have happened a lifetime ago. Maybe some time in the past five years I could have, but right now I don't know if I can carry the pressure and the stress that comes with it. I'm not sure if it is even for me anymore. And honestly, it is going to be such a struggle financially. It is now time to prioritize other things. Being a lawyer was a childhood dream, but like my childhood, I need to let that dream go.

In another universe, I am all the things I have dreamt of, and I am okay with that. In this one, though, it is already time to let go of them as they only serve as anchors that hinder my ship to really set sail.

And the coming year is me finding new winds to power me through.

2022 was an uncomfortable bed. I never want to sleep on it again.

In 2023, my dream is to just dream again (and less bed sore, literally and figuratively.)

[twinkuraba]

I never even heard the word ‘transgender’ until I was about 16. Didn’t stop me from having the Trans Child experience. I just didn’t know that’s what it was at the time.

It’s a horrible feeling; not having the words to define why your body feels wrong. To not know how to express the mental flinch whenever you’d be socially punished for not performing your AGAB adequately. Being uncomfortable being grouped in with the girls but not being able to point to a reason why.

For thinking that you were the one doing something wrong, clearly. Adults knew everything and none of them were talking about anyone else who felt this way, your peers never talked about feeling this way, so clearly the issue was with you.

I was never a girly child, or even a tomboyish one. I was the ‘weirdo’ everyone avoided because I didn’t act like a ‘girl’ was supposed to but I wasn’t a tomboy. My peers were confused when instead of being excited about having ‘early beauty’ when I started puberty at 10, I felt disgusted and betrayed by my body, I felt like it wasn’t mine, like I was being controlled by it instead of the other way around.

I need to repeat; I had never heard about the concept of being trans at this point. I only vaguely even knew that being gay was a thing people could be. I went to a religious school so that’s likely part of it but no amount of ‘you are perfect just how you are’ could counter my revulsion of an afab body.

Cue high school where I met my first trans person; a friend of a friend. And it still didn’t click for me then because I was heavy in the ‘repress all the bad and everything will be fine’ method of coping with stress, self hatred, undiagnosed ADHD/Autism and depression/anxiety.

Unsurprisingly. I went to a very dark place where I couldn’t imagine myself having a future like this. I hated my body and what it stood for. What everyone else assumed of me when they saw a teen girl’s body, how I hated having to perform feminine and why did I want to be a boy so badly when I was supposed to be perfect how I was?

I got very close to attempting suicide twice in my life. Both times I was talked down by a queer friend because I was hiding my pain from my family, but after the second one I decided this couldn’t continue so I made the tough (at the time) decision to tell them what I’d been planning.

The rest of my life until I was well into my 20s was basically me moving through my life shrouded in fog. I wasn’t happy with who I was, but I knew suicide wasn’t the answer to how I was feeling. I tried to learn how to love myself again, and in little ways I did. I rediscovered my love for my artistic ability. My eye colour. My taste in music.

But I could never even begin to figure out how to feel about being a woman. Other women were amazing, I admired them for being so sure, so confident in themselves, so brave for living with what I was feeling was a personal hell.

Then I found out that actual women... like being women. They have their feelings about gender inequality or the societal expectations on AFAB people but on the whole they’d never ever been confused about who they were.

Then one day, talking to a friend. It clicked. All my feelings, my past experiences. I hadn’t had the words for it then, but I had been a trans boy trying to navigate a cis girl’s world blindfolded without even a map to help me find my way.

And according to everyone who knows me from then to now the change has been enormous lmao. I talk more with people, I have more pride in my appearance, more smiles and laughs, less self-hate.

I’m not 100% where I want to be yet, and I’m still bad at envisioning the future. But at least I know with certainty that I have one now.

[novadreii]

something i don't talk a lot about on here are my chronic pain/illness problems. i guess because i try not to think about it more than i already do, and it's probably the biggest present source of anxiety for me.

when i entered my 30s a couple of years ago, after a particularly stressful year after about 10+ of them, my physical health declined pretty quickly. my hair fell out, i gained weight, my perfect eyesight suddenly wasn't one day, i had constant fatigue and brain fog. i waited out healthcare timelines and was diagnosed with the beginning stages of an autoimmune thyroid disorder right before i moved across the country and got on another waitlist. in this time i managed to improve a lot of the symptoms with lifestyle factors.

i spent the next year researching everything i could about autoimmunity and its triggers, and also about things that could improve my condition while i waited. i tried all kinds of foods and supplements, but unfortunately, stress is pretty much my number one trigger and i was in a very toxic relationship with someone who seemed determined to maximize the amount i experienced on a daily basis. i took too long to leave (6 months since the onset of the neglect, but this person had been triggering me with their unavailability for basically the entire 2ish years).

i remember fearing i'd go to sleep and never wake up from the constant chest pain my anxiety was causing me, and that was my cue to end things. but it was too late health wise--I'd already spent months crying every night and trying to control the shaky, cold sweat anxiety that accompanied me almost every minute of every day.

this basically triggered a huge flare of my illness that had added fun new symptoms (arthritis in my hands, inner ear pain, and constant, all-day muscle spasms and eye twitches. fun!). i am once again, on a waitlist, because i moved back home and had to go to the back of the line :) i have spent all summer trying to regain the progress i had made before my personal drama happened. eating right, moving my body, avoiding stressful endeavours like the plague, processing trauma in therapy head on so it doesn't fester, sleeping for the first time in probably a year and overall just resting for probably the first time since i was 15 lol. my job is a blessing because it's remote, stupid easy and relaxed, allowing me the kind of work life balance where i can heal myself while earning a living. i've complained about my job a lot, but the universe sent it to me because it knew i needed something flexible to accommodate the freakshow my life would soon become.

this is basically what i work on in therapy these days. the surrender needed to know i am doing all i can, and right now all i can do is continue to take care of myself and wait. and it's okay. i will likely see yet another patronizing mandoctor in a couple of months, and i won't be in a flare then so i won't feel so terrible, and i will finally get the meds that will help me feel normal again, what i haven't felt for coming on 5 years. it's out of my control right now, but that's not a bad thing because it's going to be okay anyways.

this process has truly helped me not identify so hard with my body. i need to stop fighting it (while taking the best care of myself as i can) and accept that it's gonna do what it wants to do. but above all, i cannot be so pressed about it because that's the one thing that makes it worse above all else. i have learned to ignore/live with a certain amount of pain; it's not always at a 9 or 10, but it spikes there sometimes but averages out to 4-6 on a daily basis. just enough to be distracting, annoying, and prohibitive of certain activities (begging my brother to do dishes because it physically hurts to use my hands. also can't cook which is a rare thing that brings me joy). i will have to ice my wrist after this. but again, i'm in a flare so it will let up eventually. and in that time i just have to let things be. a concept that was foreign to me this time last year.

[21kamal]

The Benefits of Strength Training....

In recent years, strength training has emerged as a cornerstone of fitness for individuals of all ages. Gone are the days when weightlifting was predominantly associated with bodybuilders or elite athletes. Today, people from various walks of life are realizing the numerous physical and mental benefits that strength training can provide. Whether you’re looking to improve your health, enhance athletic performance, or simply boost your confidence, incorporating strength training into your routine can be a game-changer.

What is Strength Training?

It is also known as resistance training, involves exercises that are designed to improve strength, endurance, and overall fitness through the use of resistance. This can include weights, resistance bands, or even your body weight. Common forms of strength training include weightlifting, bodyweight exercises, and resistance band workouts.

Physical Benefits

One of the most significant benefits of strength training is its impact on physical health. Regularly can lead to a multitude of advantages:

Increased Muscle Mass: As we age, we naturally lose muscle mass. It helps combat this decline by promoting muscle growth and maintenance, leading to enhanced metabolic function.

Improved Metabolism: Building muscle increases your resting metabolic rate, meaning you burn more calories even when you’re not exercising. This can aid in weight management and fat loss.

Enhanced Bone Health: Resistance training is known to improve bone density, reducing the risk of osteoporosis and fractures as you age. Engaging in weight-bearing exercises stimulates bone growth, making your skeletal framework stronger.

Better Joint Function: Strengthening the muscles around your joints can improve stability and mobility, reducing the risk of injury. This is especially important for individuals with existing joint pain or arthritis.

Sculpted Physique: Beyond health benefits, a consistent strength training regimen can help sculpt and tone your body. Whether you aspire to build muscle or achieve a leaner appearance, resistance training plays a vital role in achieving your aesthetic goals.

Mental Benefits

Strength training is not just about physical enhancements; it also offers significant mental benefits:

Boosted Confidence: As you gain strength and see physical changes, you naturally feel more confident in your body. Accomplishing fitness goals is empowering and can enhance your overall self-esteem.

Stress Reduction: Exercise, including strength training, is a well-known stress reliever. During workouts, your body releases endorphins—natural mood lifters that can help combat anxiety and depression.

Improved Focus and Discipline: Committing to a strength training program requires consistency and dedication. This discipline can translate to other areas of life, improving focus and goal-setting skills.

Enhanced Mental Resilience: Overcoming challenging workouts fosters resilience. As you push through tough sets and achieve personal records, you build mental toughness that extends beyond the gym.

Getting Started.

If you’re new to it , it’s essential to start with the basics. Here are a few tips to guide you on your journey:

Consult a Professional: Consider working with a certified personal trainer to develop a safe and effective program tailored to your goals and fitness level.

Prioritize Form: Proper form is crucial to prevent injury and maximize the effectiveness of your workouts. Focus on mastering techniques before increasing weight or intensity.

Create a Balanced Routine: Aim for a well-rounded program that targets all major muscle groups. Incorporate exercises for your upper body, lower body, and core, and allow time for recovery.

Stay Consistent: Aim for at least two to three strength training sessions per week. Consistency is key to seeing progress and reaping the rewards.

Blog – My Blog (kesug.com)

[mylyfecbdgummies]

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[writersblog20]

Soft moon boys

Steven Grant, Marc Spector and jake Lockley x reader

Summary: After a heavy therapy session, you needed your moon boys to take care of you and there wouldn’t be a thing that they wouldn’t do for you

Warnings: A lot of comfort and fluff. Anxiety, panic attack, depression

Words: 3K

A/N: so this is my first time writing about the moon knight boys so take it easy please

Soft moon boys

Today was finally your first day of therapy after waiting for around a half year or so. You weren’t stocked about it but it was definitely necessary. It was tough. Very tough actually and all you wanted was Marc, Jake or Steven to wrap their arms around you and hold you tight, making you feel safe, loved and cared for but you didn’t want to bother them.

You were dating Marc for a couple of weeks now. You’ve met him since you moved into your little apartment in the same building. He wasn’t exactly planning on telling you about Jake or Steven until Steven showed up all of a sudden with his lovely British accent. You were confused as hell until Steven had told you about his disorder, Khonshu and basically everything else. It was a lot all of a sudden but it made you adore and love him even more.

You paced around your room, feeling completely ripped apart with your emotions all over the place, overwhelming you to the point it broke you down completely. You tried to distract yourself by watching a movie but that didn’t work. In fact, it made it worse so you tried taking a shower but ended up in a panic attack. Marc knew that you had your first therapy session and did tell you that you were always welcome but you felt some kind of barrier between your apartment and his.

You tried to go to sleep but there was absolutely no way that you were able to get some rest right now, your thoughts and emotions all over the place. It made you irritated, panicky, stressed, exhausted, sad and everything else until you couldn’t take it anymore. You were too tough on yourself and needed to be around someone who was gentle.

You put your fluffy socks on and quickly wrapped your long kimono around your body before taking your keys and making your way to Marc’s apartment, which was literally opposite your door. You knocked on his door and couldn’t stand still, your whole body filled with anxiety. The door swung open and the moment Marc saw you, his eyes became softer than you’ve ever seen them before. You must’ve looked like a mess right now but didn’t care. All you wanted was to wrap your arms around Marc right now so that’s what you did.

Your eyes filled up with tears and a sob escaped your mouth when you wrapped your arms around his waist. He was a little taken back by surprise. He had never seen you in this state. Or well, so vulnerable. Not that he complained, he just wanted to take the pain away and kill everyone that ever hurted you. He knew that was Jake speaking but Marc honestly couldn’t agree more with him. But the most important thing right now was taking care of you and be there.

He wrapped his arms around you and pulled you closer to his body while you were sobbing and shaking underneath his touch, crumbling down completely. He frowned, almost able to feel your sorrow and pain in his own chest. He placed his face in the crook of your neck, his hand on the back of your head to keep you close and secured. He walked slightly into his apartment so he could close the door so you had more privacy Marc looked in the mirror besides his door and saw Steven looking back at the both of you, his face also pained with the amount of sadness you showed right now.

Marc shushed you softly and went with his hand over your hair for comfort. He could feel how tightly you were hanging onto him and he tightened his grip around you. “You wanna take over?” Marc asked Steven, knowing you needed the most gentle care right now and Steven was happy to oblige and do that for you. It wasn’t that Marc didn’t want to be there for you but hoped that Steven could calm you down more. Steven looked back at Marc “Yeah, cheers, thanks mate.”

You felt Marc’s body soften around you and you knew that someone else had stepped forward. You looked up, your eyes bloodshot red and the tears still forming into your eyes. “Oh my days…Hiya love. You okay, I got you.” You heard the familiar British accent and you smiled weakly, hiding your head in the crook of his neck. “Let’s move you to the couch yeah? Be a bit more comfortable.” He told you and held your hand, moving you to the couch.

He sat down and held his arms out for you. You climbed on his lap and held onto him like a koala. Steven held your cheeks in his warm palms and kissed your forehead multiple times before letting it rest against his own, his hand still caressing your cheeks. He noticed the way you wanted to just crawl into him. Steven gave you all the space you needed and just held you tight until you would feel okay again.

Your head was once again hidden in the crook of his neck. He could feel his shirt getting soaked by your tears and his heart broke for you. “ Just let it out love, we don’t want you to keep that boddling up, know do we?” You shook your head slightly.

He saw Jake in the reflection pacing back and forth. “I’m going to kill everyone that ever hurt our mi vida” Jake was angry, very angry and Marc tried to calm him down. “Even though, I’m not specifically against it, we need to be there for her right now. She needs us.” Jake thought about it and looked back at you. His eyes softened and took a deep sigh, nodding. “Fine.”

Steven felt like he could breath again when Jake agreed with Marc. You knew they had a conversation because when you slowly calmed down you could feel Steven tense underneath you and letting out a shaky breath. You looked up and saw him staring at his reflection until he noticed you looking at him, making him look down quickly and his eyes softened again.

You saw there was a calmness in his eyes where you found your serenity and stillness. It felt familiar, safe and comforting. The way he looked at you was a way you’ve never could get enough from. Nobody had ever looked at you with this much love as Steven did and it was addicting. “Hiya.” He said softly. You chuckled through your tears, making Steven smile a little at his win “Hi” you said back, wiping your tears with the back of your hand before Steven took over and wiped them with his thumb, the adoration never leaving his eyes.

“What were they saying?” you asked him softly and Steven softly rubbed your cheek with his thumb. “Oh you know the usual… wanting to kill everybody that has ever hurt you and stuff.” He said casually, trying to make you chuckle again, which worked.  He got a string of hair behind your ear and kissed your cheek. “You feel a bit better love?” he asked you now that you’ve calmed down. “Yeah, a bit. Thank you.” he smiled softly at you. “That’s good, yeah?” he asked you, making you chuckle again slightly and nodded. “Yeah, that’s good.” You repeated as a statement.

“Thank you Steven.” He smiled. “You don’t have to thank me love, it’s my pleasure.” You hugged him again and Steven placed kisses all over your head. “Do you want to talk about it sweetheart?” you shook your head. “No not yet” you said softly, feeling exhausted. “That’s okay. We actually went to some stores when you had therapy and got you some stuff. All of us did, we couldn’t really choose or agree on things.” He told you with a slight chuckle as the memory of today hit him and the argument they all had with each other on what to buy for you.

You got your face out of the crook of his neck while Steven gently rubbed your back. “You all didn’t have to do that.” You told him with a soft smile “No we wanted to. Really. And it’s working innit? Making you smile and all.” he told you with a loving smile, completely smitten with you. You chuckled and felt shy. “ So yeah, let me get the stuff.” He told you and helped you off of his lap to get to the bag.

“So I got you this, I hope you like it, if you feel up for it.” he told you and got a heart shaped box of chocolates out of his bag with some flowers that he had already put in a vase. You felt your heart swell up with love. “Oh and this, this is my favorite!” he told you and got a frame out. There were stars all over it, like a constellation. “This is the day, I met you. The stars were in this exact constellation and I thought it was pretty awesome cause now you can look at it and see how the stars were on that day. You know and..” Steven was rambling about the stars and you got the biggest smile on your face.

You stood up and walked up to Steven, wrapping your arms around him. He stopped talking and looked at you with the most adoration on his face when you said “I absolutely love it Steven. Thank you so much.” You told him with a slight chuckle and wiped your tears away again. Steven’s face fell “Than… why are you crying?” he asked you slightly confused. Marc got his arm up and down in frustration at the blindness of Steven. “Because she absolutely love it, you idiot.” Steven looked surprised at Marc and then back at you. “It’s beautifully meaningful. Nobody has ever give me something like this.” You told him, chuckling a little as well. “Oh, right yeah, sorry I’m such a doughnut.” You chuckled and shook your head. “Well, my doughnut then.”  You told him and gave him a soft kiss, taking him by surprise but melted into your kiss, pulling you closer by your waist where he held you a little awkward. You could make Steven incredibly nervous just by your presence. He was so in an awe with you. “I can’t believe you’re real. I’m scared to think that you’re in my head as well.” he told you softly as he licked his lips, looking down. You felt flustered by the compliment, if you could call it that. “I’m very much real and here. Not in here.” You told him as you softly ticked your fingertip on his temple. He looked up and you could see the worry, visibly leaving his body as he relaxed.

He pulled you into a hug and hid his face in the crook of your neck. You felt his hot breath tickling your skin when you clung onto him as well. “Oh, yeah right, Marc and Jake got you something as well actually.” He told you chuckling as he could hear Marc and Jake whine about their shared present for you. Steven tensed up slightly and Marc was back to you.

“You all didn’t have to.  You know that right?” you asked Marc, feeling a little spoiled and he smiled at you, cupping your cheeks. “we know baby but we wanted to.” He told you, pressing a gently kiss on your lips. “Close your eyes princesa” Jake stepped forward and you smiled shyly while you closed your eyes. You felt something small and cold around your neck, knowing that it was a necklace. “Open, mariposa” you opened your eyes and saw that it was a moon necklace. You couldn’t stop smiling and wrapped your arms around, Jake’s neck “I love it so much, thank you!” Marc stepped in. “we’re glad baby. I’m gonna let Steven take over again cause he won’t shut up otherwise. Next time, I’ll take care of you baby.” Marc said and you smiled at how much the boys wanted to take care of you.

You nodded and gave Marc a kiss. “Thank you. I love you.”  He smiled as he looked intently in your eyes. “And I love you.” Steven stepped in again. “Hiya love.” He greeted you again with a small wave, making you giggle which he responded with the biggest smile. “D’you want some tea? I’ll make us some tea.” he told you before you could respond and took your hand in his softly and still a little unsure which made your heart ache with love, leading you with him to the kitchen. He put on the boiler and turned to you again with the same love radiating from his eyes as before. You’ve never had somebody look at you, the way Steven did and it was from the first moment he had laid his eyes on you. It just became more with the days.

He gently placed his hands on your cheeks and softly pulled your head down so he could press soft kisses on your forehead, releasing all the butterflies in your stomach. You could cry at how gentle he was. It was so extremely healing for your soul and that was exactly what you needed.

You held Steven by his side, your fingers softly digging into his sweater and pulled him closer. You needed him closer. Your heart yearned for his hugs and being completely wrapped up in his arms with a fluffy blanket around you. You hid your face in the crook of his neck and held him as tightly as you could, making him chuckle slightly. He understood that you weren’t going to let go soon and wanted to be comforted and Steven, Marc and Jake would do everything to make you feel safe, loved and comforted. Everything you needed, they would do for you.

Once the tea was done, Steven got some biscuits, took the tea and walked to the couch. “Can I maybe sit on your lap? I just want to be held….” You told him shyly, feeling a little awkward but Steven took that away very quickly. “Yeah of course! No problem love. Of course you can, sweetheart.” You saw him blush and you smiled shyly, walking up to him. Steven could be just as needy and clingy as you could be and it was amazing.

He reached out his arms for you as a sign that you could come to him. You shuffled towards him and sat sideways on his lap. He got a fluffy blanket from behind the couch and wrapped it around you. Your arms were around his waist and your head resting on his chest. His arms tightly around you and he rested his chin on top of your head, rocking a little. You felt exhausted from all the emotions and yawned. “Oh my days. You must be exhausted.” He commented but not in particular towards you, more to himself.

His hand caressing the side of your head and his thumb softly rubbing patterns on your cheek. He handed you the tea when it cooled down enough. You sipped from the mug while Steven kept kissing your forehead, so now and then resting his lips there until he wanted to take a sip from his tea as well. The warmth of the tea, feelings of safety, love and comfort almost lulled you to sleep, feeling Steven’s lips on your forehead.

Steven put the empty tea mug on the table and held you even more tighter than before, like he needed a hug as well. His head resting on your shoulder, slightly kissing your cheek while his hand rubbed your back. You got entirely comfy on his lap, so close to him. “Let’s get you into bed yeah? You must be exhausted.” Steven whispered in your ear. You nodded slightly and got up drowsy.

You took your kimono off, making Steven stare at you with a blush on his cheek. He was always in a trance if you took something off. He’d seen you naked before but he’ll always behave like it is the first time and you weren’t even naked right now but it still made you flustered. You knew Marc said something to Steven because he snapped out of it and took his own sweatpants and oversized sweatshirt off, leaving him only in his boxers. You crawled in and waited for Steven to lay next to you so you could get comfy. He looked down at you with a soft smile. “Look at you. You’re so pretty.” Steven told you mesmerized and you felt your cheeks heat up and smiled shyly.

Steven looked at his reflection, probably Marc saying something in which he replied. “Oh yeah, of course. Cheers mate.” And quickly got in the bed next to you. You giggled at what he had said, making him look at you in surprise but as soon as he saw your smile, he looked mesmerized again. “What? D’you think that was funny?” he asked you amused as you nodded. “Yeah, I guess it is a bit, innit?” he told you as he thought about it, looking up at the ceiling while he played with his hands.

You latched your arms around his waist, taking him a bit by surprise but let you latch onto him in any way you wanted. He turned around a little and pulled you towards his chest, his necklace dangling to the side. You let your head rest against his chest while he wrapped his arms completely around you. “Get some sleep yeah? I’ll be here. I’ll always be here.” He whispered the last part a little. You looked up a little and pressed your lips softly against Stevens. He cupped your cheek softly and kept his eyes closed when you pulled away. After a couple of seconds his eyes flutter open with a big, loving smile. “What was that for, love?” he asked you, making you smile a little. “A goodnight kiss.” you told him and this time he pressed his lips against yours.

“Goodnight my darling.” He told you when he pulled back and let his hand rest on the back of your head. It felt like you had a whole fort around you. You’ve never felt so safe than in this particular moment. You closed your eyes, feeling Steven go over your hair in a comforting motion, lulling you to sleep with his arms around you, his lips on your head again until you fell in a peaceful sleep. Steven, Jake and Marc keeping an eye on you the entire night until they all fell asleep as well.