poindexterjames

[poindexterjames]

Today, I feel alone and lonely.

The heaviness in my heart has been too much, they suddenly burst out in my eyes like a storm without warning. I wanted to vent out, I wanted to talk to someone, I wanted to release all this tension in my body. But. I realized I do not have anyone.

I don't have a best friend. I don't have a confidante. I don't have a special person. Even within my family I feel isolated. I have friends but not the kind who offer a listening ear, a comforting embrace.

In a world filled with people, I feel utterly alone. And that's the greatest irony of my life.

This was such a hard life. I cannot believe I am still here. I don't think I still want to be here.

The weight of hurt pressing against my chest is suffocating. It feels like my veins are carrying more sorrow than blood. I long for the lightness of being okay. I long for the light. I long to be okay.

[poindexterjames]

In a new city, welcoming the new year.

Minutes before 2023 ends, I've come to realize how far I've come, mentally and emotionally. A proof of how much 2022 scarred me.

In 2023, I was in a better place. I started healing. I started to dream again.

As I cry my way into 2024, all I can say is: I am so fucking proud of you, self.

The road to genuine happiness, self-fulfillment, and contentment is still a long way to go. Now on to the year of becoming.

Happy new year! 🎇

[poindexterjames]

Today, I am happy...but I am also scared.

Today, I feel loved by people who send me well wishes. I temporarily feel that I am doing something right. Somehow, that made my heart swell with joy.

Today, I also am reminded of the fact that I'm getting older. I have come this far wondering how far will I still go? I keep on climbing this mountain but the ground keeps on shaking. I keep on reaching to breathe but the branches are always breaking. I keep on swimming but the currents are pulling me under. I am a bundle of cells and I feel like I am atrophying.

Another leaf has flown. Another leaf has turned. Will another leaf fall? Let's see what happens in three years.

Happy 27th year, self. Your deadline nears.

[poindexterjames]

You know what?

I don't even have the energy to cry anymore.

[poindexterjames]

If I die young, bury me in a secluded place. My toxic thoughts must not infect any living being. All those in contact with me will not grow. I don't deserve your attention.

If I die young, forget me. A life not worth anything is not worth remembering. Don't celebrate my birthday, my death anniversary, or anything related to me. I don't deserve your time.

If I die young, please don't cry. Save it for when you really need it. Reserve your grief for the people you love. I don't deserve your tears.

If I die young, I probably deserve it.

If I die young, why can't it be sooner?

If I die young, I can't wait.

[poindexterjames]

It was uncomfortable sleeping in my bed.

The bed is supposed to be a place to rest and seek comfort after a long day's work. It was for me. Until it isn't. This year, because of stress and anxiety, the cushion that I most looking forward to retire to turned to a slab of stone.

The bed is supposed to be the place to dream. It was, until it isn't. It became extremely uncomfortable sleeping on that when I wake up, my body hurts and more fatigued than I was the day before.

And so, I did not sleep.

Only then that I realized that my dreams stopped coming even before I stopped sleeping.

It was uncomfortable in my bed.

The fear of waking up in more pain made me force myself to stay awake at night, thinking that I cannot be in more pain the next day if my previous day hasn't ended yet. I am in a constant loop.

But that is probably another mistake that I have made. In sleeping, at least one can have a couple of hours of rest from paranoia.

I cannot shut my brain down. I lie awake in an already uncomfortable bed, overthinking about basically all things in my life. Work. Money. Family. Friends. Romance (or a lack thereof.) My future. It suffocated me. This year, I had anxiety attack me several times, and they all sneak in at night.

And that's when the nightmare began.

It was uncomfortable.

This year, my self-pity reached its peak. At home, at work, with my friends, with family, I feel inadequate. It is like I have this marquee hanging above my head with the words "nobody" written on it dancing in neon lights.

Because that is who I am. A nobody. Always forcing a smile and pretending to be happy on the outside.

All of me has been exhausted in the past months and I have nothing left. Money. Tears. Pride. Hope. Dreams. Inspiration. Add to that the personal problems that are continuously drowning me.

Every time I lie awake at night, I think of these things, and I pity the person I have become. It is so uncomfortable to be me.

If only I can crawl out of my skin and inhabit a shell that I can be proud of.

It was.

When the sun rises and the new day begins, 2022 will already belong in the realm of was. I am going to look back on it as one of the most emotionally significant years in my life. Although I am grateful for the lessons this year has brought me, I would not like to live it again, especially the first half of it. I am grateful that I have discovered some traits that I previously did not know I have had in me. But 2022, good riddance.

2023 will be the year of letting go of all the dreams I have that are probably improbable for me to achieve at this moment in my life. First and foremost, me studying law.

Me in law school already feels like it should have happened a lifetime ago. Maybe some time in the past five years I could have, but right now I don't know if I can carry the pressure and the stress that comes with it. I'm not sure if it is even for me anymore. And honestly, it is going to be such a struggle financially. It is now time to prioritize other things. Being a lawyer was a childhood dream, but like my childhood, I need to let that dream go.

In another universe, I am all the things I have dreamt of, and I am okay with that. In this one, though, it is already time to let go of them as they only serve as anchors that hinder my ship to really set sail.

And the coming year is me finding new winds to power me through.

2022 was an uncomfortable bed. I never want to sleep on it again.

In 2023, my dream is to just dream again (and less bed sore, literally and figuratively.)

[poindexterjames]

Five years into this employed gig shit but I feel like I haven't achieved anything yet. This is one of those nights where I am hyperaware of the stagnant flow of my life. I try hard to be optimistic because I do not want these shades and shadows of negativities to cover my whole shine.

But you cannot get sunny days all year round. Some times it gets cloudy, but there are days where you get full-on supertyphoons of emotions. You just cannot control them once they enter your area of responsibility.

I wish I was not the emotionally unstable, financially struggling mid-20s adult who sometimes contemplates to off himself, but I definitely am. Emotionally unstable. Financially struggling. Thinks of my own death as frequently as I breathe.

I am sorry that the only achievement that I cannot even brag about is to feel sorry for myself. Trust me, I am trying my hardest not to, but it is especially a struggle seeing my peers on social media accomplishing things that I can only wish of accomplishing myself. They are living their lives. Or they are successfully trying to. And I am envious. I am jealous.

Again, feeling sorry for myself is the only thing I am good at. Perhaps the only time I will ever stop doing this is the time when I stop doing anything.

I don't know how many more supertyphoons I can take before all my foundations completely break apart. I am hanging on my hinges. I am unhinged. My only solace is that I should have been not here a long time ago, but I still am. Barely standing, but standing nonetheless.

So, I guess I am going to stand here until I can't.

Until I don't.

[poindexterjames]

all my friends out there having a good time and im just here trying not to kill myself

[poindexterjames]

Note to self:

i never want to contribute to toxic positivity so i want to acknowledge that sometimes things just suck and there isn’t a bright side. the best thing you can do in those times is take care of yourself as much as possible. maybe that means just brushing your teeth, drinking some water or calling up a friend. you don’t always have to be grateful for where you are in life. sometimes you have to get through some hard shit first, but i know that you’re capable of doing it.

[poindexterjames]

138 days ago I was so down, drained, dejected, dispirited, disconsolate, and depressed that death once again dwelled on my dreams. It's still a hard and tough life, but I'm now starting to see the rays of hope that once was eclipsed by despair.

138 days ago, I thought my inner demons would finally consume me. Today, I've been living and breathing for 26 years, and I learned that I still have a fight in me.

In honor of this another battle conquered, here are 26 things that happened to me, plus the things I'm thankful for, in the past year of my life.

1. I acquired my driver's license. 2. I started reading again. 3. I bought a Kindle. 4. I bought 30+ physical books. 5. I have completed and exceeded my reading goal of 30 books. 6. I started a bookstagram. 7. I finally got to watch all seasons of RuPaul's Drag Race. 8. I became a Kpop Idol (SVT) fan. 9. I went to Boracay and Bohol. 10. I campaigned and advocated for good governance. 11. I joined a grand rally for Atty. Leni Robredo. #AngatBuhay 12. I voted for my president and the rest of team Angat Buhay on the May 8 national elections. Unfortunately, the nation lost. 13. I got involved with a nonprofit youth organization in our municipality. 14. I was appointed Secretary for a regional youth ministry. 15. I overworked myself to exhaustion. 16. I finally stood up for myself. 17. I have found the courage to walk away from the toxic environment that took a toll on my mental health for three years. 18. I have begun freeing myself from the trauma that I experienced for three years from the same toxic environment. 19. I have retained some friends from my previous work despite of the toxicity. 20. I am now in a significantly healthier workplace. 21. I'm still doing what I want and like to do. 22. I'm grateful for my friends. 23. I'm grateful for Taylor Swift, Little Mix, Anson Seabra, and Ben Platt's music. 24. I am grateful for family's healthy. 25. I now have an idea what my purpose in life is. 26. I'm still here.

I may not know where I'll go from here but I hope I'll grow. 🌱

[poindexterjames]

Hypothetical question. What's the easiest way to unalive yourself?

[poindexterjames]

2021 is yet another unremarkable year for me. It was a year that felt like eternity but nothing is worth remembering. It was a year that challenged my spirit in every way imaginable. Though a few things of significance happened, like I went to Boracay for the first time earlier this month, and that might be the highlight of my year, but nothing life-changing.

2021 is just a repeat of 2020, just slightly slightly better.

This time last year, I hoped and wished for clearer skies, greener grass, and better days. That didn't happen. But what I am still thankful for is that, in spite and despite everything, I can still hope, and I think that's enough. Our ability to remain hopeful amidst things we don't have control over and even when negative things repeatedly happen to us make us strong and brave.

Adversities, challenging situations, dead ends are not enough to stop me from hoping. That's the only thing I can do to not give up.

2022 may or may not be 2020, too, but I am hopeful. And I will continue to hope until I cannot anymore.

To all who survived this year, cheers to us! Let's brave through the next one again.✨

[poindexterjames]

I have a deadline.

As a teenager, I haven’t had a clue about how the world works. Despite the academic pressure and some frustrations here and there, life was still so simple and easygoing.

But even then, I always have this thought that life, at least the one I am living, will end when I reach 30. That notion was, and still is, always present in my mind. Sometimes just a passing idea; most times an impending doom. This is a concept that when I tell the few people I trust, was met with skepticism and incredulity. Many ask why, some just laugh it off like it was the funniest joke I have ever made. But it’s not. It is a deadline that I made for when I still don’t have anything achieved when I turn 30 years old.

It may sound incredulous but I am holding this contemplation for many years now that it just became somewhat of a religious belief. People who know this, including myself, asked how will I ascertain such vague and absurd notion of success? I have a simple, yet equally absurd answer to that. I always presume that there will be a surge of pride and an outpouring sense of achievement when I did something worthwhile that will stimulate my will to live.

Otherwise, poof. Gone.

Few months after I landed my first corporate job, I was just turning 20 then, I made a list of 25 things I must do/achieve before I turn 25. They were simple, doable things that an optimistic and invigorated 20-year old could do, such as buying and owning things, travelling to places, shits like that. You might think that it is a good way to stay focused and motivated. Yes, at first, it was a very exciting journey but along the way, it just became a constant source of frustration because I am always reminded of how slow and unexciting my life is. Along the way, I just stopped trying.

Today is my 25th birthday. If you ask me now how many of those in my list I have fulfilled, the answer is, a staggering and disappointing less than half. Ha ha! Loser! You may judge me as someone who is idle or lazy or useless, but it’s not easy to be able to put myself first at the forefront of my priorities because my privilege, or lack thereof, does not allow me to. Or maybe I am just lazy, I don’t know.

25 today and I still haven’t gotten that license to get pass my age limit. What I got was a free entrance with welcoming committee to quarter-life crisis.

So, if you are still here, assuming someone is reading this unimportant piece of thought, this was not written to inspire you whatsoever. This is just a simple aide-memoire of the deadline I made myself years ago.

Will I pass? Will I fail? In five years, we will all see.

Happy birthday to you, self. Your hardships will continue, your life may not for much longer.

[poindexterjames]

Wishing for better days. 🤞

[poindexterjames]

Hi. How are you?

A question that seemed so simple but so hard to answer, especially when you are on its receiving end. You may say “fine” or “good” or “alright”. It may be true, but most of the time, we just don’t have the words to encapsulate what we really feel and/or burden someone with our own personal struggles, so, we just plaster a fake and inauthentic smile and pretend that everything’s perfectly well. But of course, they don’t know that.

So, really, how are you?

I feel like I am being bled dry. My energy is waning every waking hour. My passion and drive have slowly been dwindling. It has been going on for quite some time now, and this pandemic is not helping at all. I’ve been feeling less and less of myself. The moments that I look in the mirror, I see different people staring back every time. So, who am I? Who I’ve become? I know I’m not the only one.

So, how are you?

It’s okay to be honest here. No one will know. No one will read this.

I know you can feel it, too. Or maybe not. But if you do, remember that you are not alone. Many of us feel it - that gut-wrenching, bone-crushing hopelessness and loneliness that had our hearts and minds in a chokehold - we just have different ways of showing it on the outside.

Maybe you are the rare few who shows it like how you feel it. You let your emotions wash over you and you try no effort to conceal your fears and sorrows. And that is perfectly okay.

Or perhaps you are that kind who shows it by having this big, bright, and contagious personality that everyone seemed to love. You joke around as though you don’t have demons fighting over and inside you. You smile and say it’s okay when people ask how you are, but you know that it has little to do with their question, but more of an expectation for you: that by saying “it’s okay” out loud will make it true.

Are you alright?

So, what if I am not? So, what if we are not? We all have our own coping mechanisms in dealing with the personal war that’s happening within us. Some of us battle it head on, while some endure the pain until their armor breaks. But just because we don’t show our burdens outwardly, it doesn’t mean that they aren’t heavy. We just became so damn good at pretending.

Do you need help?

Yes, I do. Yes, we do.

We need to help ourselves by acknowledging that we are not okay, that we are not strong enough on our own to silence the voices inside our heads. We need to help ourselves by realizing that we need help.

So, to all those who, like me, are lost, drowning, and just hanging on by a thread for their sanity and lives all at the same time, just know that you are not alone. Hang in there just a little bit longer. We are entitled to rest, reflect, and recover. We are stronger than our sufferings. There will come a time that all these things that we are going through right now will be a long time ago.

Finally, to you who, by chance, is still reading this at this point, ask your friends and loved ones how they are. Be empathetic to what they feel. Don’t shrug them off when they try to connect. Most importantly, listen to them; they don’t always need advice and counsel, sometimes they just need someone to hear what they have to say.

Today and beyond, may we help each other out and let us all be kind to and with our mind.

[poindexterjames]

I haven't posted in here for a while now. It just felt like my mind went completely blank as my life stopped. It's as though I went into this unconscious loop of routinary activities that goes on for who knows how long. It is only now that my body feels the weight of the actions I did and continues to do. I am so tired not just of this forced isolation, but of everything.

[poindexterjames]

Hey, love.

You have endured so much this year. You have dealt with high functioning anxiety and emotional stress. Self-doubt and depreciation is on an all time high. I know that 2020 is way different from what you expected it to be, but it's done, and you made it. A little dispirited, perhaps, but you made it. And that's what's important.

Not expecting 2021 to be completely different from this one, but there's no harm in hoping and wishing for clearer skies, greener grass, and generally, better days ahead.

You are a survivor, always has been, and I am proud of you. 💖