#but alas it is another 4 hours till my shift ends

[jtownraindancer]

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[d-trashbandicoot]

The last 4 years : A retrospection (part 3)

Now the house was empty, yes, but I had friends here to hang out with. I think I had also brought my PS4 with me. I was there for two weeks and yet I cannot recall much. As a matter of fact I cannot recall anything from memory. Not with certainty. I think; I went surfing at one point, I would’ve met my closest and oldests friends, maybe a night out, many hours at the old coffeeshop which doubled up as a queer second hand bookshop. But I cannot say for definite. My memory is hazy, as is often the case on these down swings. Somehow, once again, I ended up moving to Glasgow. The only reason that remains for that choice was convenience. Was it a mistake? 

Yes. Definitely. I could’ve resolved that situation much better. I could’ve been back in Bristol and getting on track after Jersey. But no, we got hooked on Mitsiki’s Brand New City. 

“Guess I should move to a brand new city, and teach myself how to die” 

Those words resonated. Now Glasgow wasn’t exactly a brand new city, for me, but then again I hadn’t really lived much in it the last time I was there. I guess maybe it was also the pro trans stance that Scotland offered that enticed me. Not that it mattered after I went down the DIY route. This time I told my parents my plans the first week I was at home. When they returned, I spent another few nights there  and made my way to Glasgow. And yes I left with yet more of my crap from my home, because I had decided that Glasgow would be there for good. I had found some courses to get into a Paramedic degree and thought it was enough. I thought I’ll find work and figure out the financials later. 

In reality I was still caught in the rip currents of the mood swings, and the change of self medication regimen didn’t help matters. 

My first month in Glasgow was tinted by the excitement of a new place. However once again even though it is the most recent time I seem to remember a lot less than of my time in Bristol. 

At some point I had picked up my first job doing deliveries for Amazon. The commute was between 1-2 hours with all the waiting times. The job was fine at first, I got to drive around, see new places. I started on Nursery routes, that’s what they call the routes with less stops to give to the new starters. Even on these I found myself always having someone pick up packages from me. Pretty soon as my loads increased, I was unable to complete them. I was doing 14 hour days,10 of which for driving. I was allowed 1 break, but never had the time to take it. In hindsight it wouldn’t have mattered, but I had hoped that it was just a case of getting to know the route. And once that happened I would get my working hours done much quicker. It was pretty clear very soon that it would not be the case. The worst of it was not having access to a toilet. And with the places I was delivering to, there wasn’t anywhere to go discreetly. Except for the back of the van, in a plastic bottle. It was only a matter of time before the mixed episode started. 

And then right on cue, I reversed the van into a bollard. Hard enough to bend the bumper into the back door and prevent it from opening. The worst of it was that it was a hire van, not a company one. The entire day fearing the consequence under a mixed episode only to drop it off and not hear anything from it. It wasn’t long till I snapped. One day I was going in, and only saw the message that my shift had been cancelled once I was on site. Not that it mattered, I took a bus to work that day, which only stopped at the business park at the top of the industrial complex before going on to Edinburgh. Now I was complaining too much, I was dreading the work. I walked down to the train station and went home. I had started dating someone at the time I started working too. That kind of kept it going. But alas I was growing too attached to this person, and I don’t think they wanted that. Then after the break-up, the next thing I know, I'm sending a message to my boss to say I’ve relapsed and can’t come in. He said he’ll be in touch but I would never hear from him again. 

And so here we were again. Jobless, single and in a pit of despair. 

[things-happens]

In Memory

Levi Ackerman x gn! Reader

Armin Arlert x gn! Reader

Erwin Smith x gn! Reader

Mikasa Ackerman x gn! Reader

hola 😎 i have a request for ya! which i do hope you like cause I literally spent hALF aN hoUR thinking of how it should go... anyWAYS, i’m gonna request it rn cause why not? .. anyways—maybe a hc for Levi, Armin, Erwin, Mikasa, and Pieck; their S/O’s favorite memories with them are playing in their mind. They wished it happened again. people thought they (they = pieck, levi, armin - yk)—people thought they went crazy. out of their mind insane. They do often smile, when they hear their S/O’s laugh. They cry when they hear their S/O’s screams. They couldn’t save them in time. they were now dead. // now do keep in mind, that this all happened weeks after their S/O’s death. they felt so useless at the fact that they couldn’t save them in time. the one they loved the most...

Note: I DELETED THIS AND HAD TO MADE THE POST so... please like and share thank you. Also I'm not caught up on season 4 but I know what has happened so I don't know Pieck's personality, I didn't want to get her wrong.

Prompt List

Mastlister

Summary: their s/o passed, they blame themselves and other and sadly cannot cope.

Warnings: Death, Blood, Feels and Fluff Words: a lot just a lot

Levi Ackerman (Sadderdaze)

Somethings never change for Levi losing the ones he loves left and right but why did he think that would change with y/n.

During the Battle of Shiganshina, Y/n was by Levi’s side the whole time.

They always was anyways, the lone survivor of Levi’s Squad after the 57th Expansion. Years ago, they vowed the loyalty for him then again 3 years later, till death did them part.

They both lead the group of soldiers to eliminate the Beast Titan.

As the Beast began to throw rocks everyone took covered in an abandoned town, after the first-round y/n and Levi resurfaced on the roofs.

They both noticed the beast was readying for another throw, yelling for the other to go bad into cover.

��GO BACK!” Y/N yelled into their cupped hands; they still couldn’t hear them.

Levi started to run to help them, only to be held back, y/n telling him there isn’t enough time.

Levi protested only for Y/n starting to push him back down to between the houses.

Suddenly, Y/n gave him a hard push on his back making him lad down on the ground. Looking back up to his love, their leg of in a now, missing part of the roof.

Levi quickly shot back up to help them out, grabbing their hands pulling as hard as he could.

“Levi… LEVI! Please take cover, you’ll die.”

“I’m not leaving you behind… not again.”

Levi had left Y/n in charge of his squad as he joined Erwin in the 57th Expansion. Nearly dying because of the Female Titan and protecting Eren.

Y/n pulled their arm away from him, giving him one final hard push in the chest right before the rock came pass them.

“I love you” they whispered.

As Levi flew back to the ground, he held eye contact with them all of his memories going through his head, knowing that this was the last time he would see of them, forever.

As for y/n, all their memories flew through them.

Late nights with Hanjie, mornings drinking tea with Erwin and Levi.

Levi… the night of their wedding, cake, slow dancing together, then stargazing. Oh, what they’d give to do that one more time with him.

Then they were gone.

Days later, everyone was concerned about the Captain. They could hear his cries and sobs when they’d pass his room. If you’d knocked, his cries would stop, and he’d stay silent till he watched your feet leave.

Every time Hanjie would open his door to bring breakfast or dinner, they could see the hopefulness in his eyes only for them to fall. Not like he ate till he was starving and knew he had too.

Years later, as Levi slept at night, he could still hear the whisper and cries of his love. That’s all he could hear ever, yet now he hid it well.

The nights he couldn’t sleep he’d walk through the halls of the fallen soldiers. In the middle of all the paintings, was Erwin. A gold frame shining in the moon light. Next to him was y/n.

They also had a golden frame and at the top were their favorite floor in their favorite color. Whomever painted it, Levi thought they did an amazing job.

The captured the brightness of their eyes, their gloss on their hair and the perfection on their hands.

Levi sat on his knees, lightly placing his hand on theirs. Wishing he could feel them just one more time.

BONUS:

“I bet you’re not popular with the ladies…” Zeke sighed.

Levi looked down thinking about y/n for the first time since the battle. “I was popular enough…”

Armin Arlert (When Will I See You Again)

Most people admired Y/n relationship with Armin, never put a title on side thing but the two and others knew they loved each other.

And when y/n died… well it was hard on everyone.

Since Armin inherited the Colossal Titian he saw and heard y/n die with his own eyes or really with Bertholdt eyes.

They stood by Armin till the very end or what they thought was the end.

The two stood in front of the giant titan, directing him. The plan… they knew they were going to die but it was with Armin and that’s all y/n would ever want.

Bertholdt let out the burning steam, burning them alive. y/n’s eyes looked at Armin, they screamed and cried till nothing… black.

Armin on the other head was giving the Titan Serum, eating Bertholdt and becoming the monsters he hated.

From the second he woke from the shift, all he could thing of was Y/n.

Where are they?

Are they okay?

Then and dare he say naturally, the memories caved in.

Seeing through his predecessor’s eyes, he remembered his love burn to death. Hearing their caries and he saw them always looking at him.

He cried and blamed himself for their death, y/n thought they were dying together but Eren couldn’t let him live in peace.

“they died thinking they were with me.” He whispered.

He always tired to keep his resentment in around Eren and Mikasa, but everyone could here him scream in pain in the forest next to the HQ.

He used Bertholdt’s memories to see them together all the time, Sasha and Mikasa would become worried he wasn’t grieving well but soon like screams every night stop.

Instead, it was quite crying at night, which wasn’t any better for anyone.

Then they left to find the Sea, one thing that could make Armin come to peace with himself.

Reaching the ocean everyone would play and have fun their but looking down in the water, Armin could’ve sworn he saw his love looking back at him but alas he lost the sight as fast as he saw it.

He knew Y/n would and still is by his side everyday till death brought them back to each other.

Erwin Smith (My Kind of Woman)

Everyone knew Erwin as a very stoic man, a calm gentle giant but with a heart and will of Iron.

And that was true, but that was after someone not one would talk about.

Their name is Y/n, Erwin Smith’s great love.

In 845, the Survey Corps returned from an expiation, but most do not know what happened.

“Four abnormals on the right wing!” some one shouted

Erwin looked at y/n who was smiling but still looking out for themselves and others. They looked over at Erwin and smiled even wilder.

Ever since training, Y/n saw bright side of things. It was their idea to recruit the Underground rebels.

In all most a flash of lighting, rain pored down soldiers dying all around.

10 abnormals flailing around, killing and eating people.

Erwin stared behind him, watching his comrades die under his orders. Then he locked eyes with y/n as they jumped off their horse as a Titan waved its arm at her.

“Erwin!”

Y/n yelled hoping he would turn and help them, and he did, yet despite the connection they had…

It was too late, they were harshly picked and swished, screams reaching everyone’s ears. Held above the Titan’s mouth their blood poured into then as the life quickly left their eyes they were dropped into its mouth.

If it wasn’t for Levi, Erwin would’ve been died too.

Ever second since then he blamed himself, knowing if he was just a little faster.

He paid someone to make a painting of her for his office, they were his right-hand person, but others knew it was more than that.

He would cry as quite as he could for years till it was small smiles or few tears while in his office or drinking tea with Levi or Hanji.

They both learned not to question it as it was a normal thing for the man after five years.

The new recruits would ask about the painting of a random person in his office, he would say someone special.

Yet it’s been years he would still become choked up that night.

Mikasa Ackerman (i wanna be your girlfriend)

Mikasa and Y/n met in training, two people how just sat not needing to say anything to enjoy each other’s company.

Eating dinner, they’d just sit and watch everyone else bicker and talk, nothing needed to be said. Despite being Sasha’s sibling, the older one seem to get all the personality then again there was nothing wrong with the way they were.

Although being close to death of a many of times, they lived and slightly loved Mikasa and watched her grow into a beautiful women she was.

Over the years, y/n become more vocal not wanting to miss out on the moments they had left with everyone. They and Jean would bicker and laugh about dumb things, Connie and they would just sitting and reminisce on old times.

Then Sasha met Nicolo and well y/n had never more vocal about anything before.

“Oooooh the cook, he’s perfect for you.”

y/n would tease Sasha along with Jean and Connie, although Nicolo didn’t seem to mind, Sasha would turn redder than a beet!

Then the war came, Y/n didn’t leave Mikasa side unless it was to save their ether extremely brave or stupid sister.

As y/n and Mikasa run to Eren’s ad after killing the War Hammer Titan, Mikasa yells at Eren.

Y/n watches the two argue, as the War Hammer Titan stands tall and definitely not dead.

Y/n watches as it starts to shoot a crystal goop at them, Y/n wipps around slamming themselves into Mikasa, holding onto her and they both flay away from the now hardened crystal.

“thank you, y/n.”

Y/n only nodded, looking back at the crystal. Again, they themselves in danger for Mikasa but they knew if it came down to it, they would die for their family.

After the battle, everyone was on the air ship, Mikasa had left y/n with Jean, Connie and Sasha. They talked happy to see each other alive.

“You guys are really special to me.”

Next thing anyone knew, both Jean and Y/n heard rumbling from the entrance. Turning around they saw a little girl with a rifle.

y/n quickly realized she was aiming for everyone of the ship, mainly their sister. Running in front of the fire, trying to do the same thing they once saw Hanjie do years ago still the girl shot.

The bullet went straight threw y/n’s stomach; push through the pain they grabbed the gun from the girl. They butted it into the little girl’s head, knocking her out.

The adrenaline wore off, y/n put their hand on their stomach. Their hand covered in blood, they turned around to see their sister on the floor surrounded by their friends.

“Guys…” they dropped the rifle on the floor.

The word came out their mouth, everyone with tears in their eyes slowly turned to look at them.

Jean watched as the blood dripped from their suit on to the light brown flooring.

Y/n began to walk to them, waddling side to side.

Mikasa entered the room watching Y/n fall over into what was now a pool of blood. She quickly ran over, flipping them over sobbing.

Jean quickly applied pressure into the wound, but it was too late. Y/n looked up at Mikasa, their bloodied hand lightly touching her face.

Mikasa sat head on her knees, in between both Blouse graves. She could still here the raspy breaths, the yells of Jean telling them to stay awake and the laugh Eren let out seeing the dead bodies.

She’d cry at nights realizing she loved them more than a friend, she felt like a piece of her was now gone.

During dinners Mikasa would push her food around till she couldn’t sit and not laugh or sob. Armin had become worried of her, but he knew she just needed time.

[clintbartonswife]

singing softly

Pairings: Steve Rogers x Bucky Barnes Summary: 5 times Bucky sang to Steve + one time Steve returned the favour Notes: (minor) character death, mentions of illness, Made for @panicfob anniversary challenge, with the prompt “Tell me how to breathe in and feel no hurt.”  List of songs at the end:) masterlist

1. (1925)

Wet coughs were muffled with small, pale hands. 

Bucky had been there since early morning, ever since the news had spread that the Roger’s boy was sick again, only ever letting go of Steve’s hand to wet the rag that he gently wiped across the blond’s sweaty forehead. 

Sarah looked in on the two silently from the doorway, eyes creasing in concern for her only child. He had caught the flu again, the cold weather outside grating on his fragile lungs more than he could handle.

But Bucky, the boy was a mystery to Sarah. Ever since they had met two years ago, the eight-year-olds had been inseparable, much to her surprise. Bucky was a tall, strong boy, and most like him had shunned Steve for his small and sickly nature. Not Bucky. No, that seemed to make the brunet almost more protective of Steve than he was his sisters, always saving his from playground fights.

“Of all the money that e'er I spent, I spent it in good company”

Sarah blinked out of her thoughts as Bucky’s soft voice broke the silence, the boy focusing solely on Steve as he stroked his hair out of his face, one pale hand moving to rest over Bucky’s chest.

“And all the harm that ever I did, Alas it was to none but me”

He was feeling the vibrations, Sarah figured, a small smile pulling at her lips as she watched them. A bond that close was all she could ever wish for her child. It would outlast her, that she was sure of.

2. (1933)

The funeral was a quiet affair.

Sarah Roger’s friends from church attended the ceremony, along with a few of the nurses who shared her shift and - of course - the Barnes family. Steve was sure they had been giving him their regards, but he heard none of them. 

He just stood there, staring as the coffin was lowered gently into the grave, yearning to hold Bucky’s hand.

Later that night, back in the too-empty apartment, Bucky held him to his chest as they lay together in bed, running a soothing hand up and down the smaller man’s back.

“She’s gone”

He sounded so desolate, so hopeless, that it almost made Bucky cry. The brunet just murmured his acknowledgement, tightening his hold even more.

“It hurts. I - Tell me how to breathe in and feel no hurt”

Bucky’s heart squeezed painfully, his hand moving to cup the back of Steve’s neck, “Just keep breathing” he eventually said, “It doesn't ever go away but I’ll be here to help lessen it every day - I promise”

Steve just nodded, letting silence fall over them again for a few more minutes.

“Buck” Steve whispered, forehead resting against his collarbone, “sing for me?”

Bucky huffed a laugh, pressing a kiss to the top of his head before clearing his throat, 

“Oh Danny boy, the pipes the pipes are calling-”

As Bucky’s soothing voice filled the room, Steve began to gently sob, the Irish melody easing the pain in his chest, even if only for a moment. He stayed wrapped in strong arms the whole time, the feeling of safety and protection only growing as his crying began to fade out. 

Bucky watched him with soft eyes, hands moving upwards to stroke through his hair as the younger boy began to doze off to the sound of his voice.

“For you shall bend and tell me that you love me, And I shall sleep in peace until you come to me”

The tell-tale sounds of Steve’s relaxed breathing made Bucky smile, glad that the distraught boy had finally managed to fall asleep.

3. (1937)

“C’mon Stevie” Bucky groaned, collapsing onto the sofa, “it’s your birthday, we gotta do something!”

Steve smirked at the bratty behaviour, crossing his arms, “We don't gotta do anything, Buck”

“But it’s your 21st!” Bucky said, waving his arms around as if the notion was ridiculous, “It’s a special one! Anything you want - just say it and we’ll do it”

Steve raised an eyebrow, steeping in-between Bucky’s legs, gaining the brunet’s attention.

“Anything?”

Bucky nodded hesitantly, eyes darkening as he watched Steve lean down so that their faces were mere inches apart.

“Dance with me. Just us, in this apartment” he said simply, “That’s what I want”

“You’re a tease Steven Rogers” Bucky grinned, jumping up off of the sofa with joyful exuberance before offering the shorter boy his hand, “Would you do m the honour of dancin’ with me?”

Steve chuckled, quickly walking over to set the needle on the bust-up grammar phone before heading back to Bucky, accepting his hand.

The two swayed gently to the soft tones of Billie Holiday ‘If You Were Mine’, Steve’s head moving to rest gently on the dip of Bucky’s collar bone, a place Bucky had secretly reserved for him.

Roughly halfway through the song, Steve closed his eyes, the vibrations of Bucky singing along to the music creating a unique comforting sensation that he wished he could save forever.

“If you were mine, I would live for your love alone” 

The atmosphere changed as Bucky’s cheek moved to rest against the top of Steve’s head, the words resonating with the two young men more than they thought was possible.

“To kneel at your shrine, I would give up all that I own”

Steve moved then, tilting his head up so that their noses were only a breaths-width away from touching.

“Buck-”

Before he could voice his thoughts, Bucky’s lips were connecting with his, soft and slow, their bodies still swaying slowly in time to the music.

“Even my life, I’d trade it all for you, And think I was lucky too, If you were mine”

4. (1940)

“Buck?”

The apartment was quiet - too quiet for Steve’s liking - especially as Bucky should’ve come home from the docks an hour ago. Frowning, Steve carried on walking to the kitchen, only to find an ashen-faced Bucky clutching a letter in his hand.

“Buck?” Steve repeated, his voice seemingly snapping the brunet out of his stupor.

“Oh - sorry, doll. I didn't hear you come in” Bucky said, shoving the letter in his pocket and standing up to pull Steve into a hug, hands still shaking slightly, “Must’ve overworked myself today at the docks”

Steve accepted the hug, trying his best to soothe his boyfriend, before pulling back just enough to see his face.

“What’s this really about?”

The older man’s face dropped, releasing a wavering sigh before sitting down heavily on one of the dining chairs, gesturing for Steve to do the same. He pulled out the letter from before and passed it to Steve, eyes full of barely-restrained dread.

“I don't understand -” Steve said, looking over the letter, before a icy dagger of fear went through his chest, “Oh Bucky”

“I’ve been drafted” he said, voice tight, “Sargent Barnes of the 107th”

“I - I’ve got to - to sign up. I’ll come with you” 

“Steve no-”

“I’ll go to the pop-up, down by the bakers - tomorrow. We can - we can figure this out”

By now he was sounding hysterical even to himself, Bucky moving out of his chair to kneel in front of Steve, taking his hands in his own. 

“No, Steve. No. I need you to be safe. Please. At least when I have to go I’ll do it knowing I’ll be keeping you safe”

That finally ripped a sob from Steve, who shook his head madly and gripped onto his hands even tighter.

“How long?”

“Two weeks and I’m off to England”

Another sob was torn from Steve’s throat, Bucky quickly moving to wrap Steve in up his arms, cradling his small body and rocking back and forth. At a loss of what else to do, Bucky wiped his own tears from his eyes before shakily beginning to sing one of their favourite songs.

“Till the end of time, long as stars are in the blue, long as there’s a spring, a bird to sing, I’ll go on loving you”

Steve shifted in his lap, pressing his cheek firmly to Bucky’s chest as his sobbing died down slightly, moving his arms to wrap around Bucky’s waist.

“You promise?”

His voice was quiet, almost reluctant, muffled against the scratchy material of Bucky’s work shirt. Nevertheless, Bucky caught it, immediately halting his singing and moving Steve so that they were looking into each other’s eyes.

“Promise Stevie, no one’s ever gonna replace you”

“And you’ll come home?”

“I’ll fight like hell to”

5. (1941)

“We can take a break here for a few hours, tend to the wounded” Steve announced, “We should be far away enough by now”

Bucky felt like he was going insane. He should be dead, strapped to that medical table, yet here he is, following Steve - his Stevie - out of hell, while he looks like he’s been pumped with a thousand different kinds of steroids.

A light pressure on his back moved him away from the mass of soldier’s, the smell reassuring him that he was safe, that it was just Steve.

“You okay Buck?”

He scoffed, looking up - he had to look up - to meet his eyes, “I don't think I’m the one who should be answering that question right now”

“Buck-”

“You promised me you’d stay home, Stevie”

“If I had you could’ve died in there -”

“At least you would’ve been safe!”

The blond dropped his head in defeat, his whole body radiating his silent apology.

“I couldn’t live with myself knowing you were fighting out here while I was just sat at home”

A bitter chuckle, hand reaching up to cup the side of his neck, “You’ve never been able to do that, huh”

“I knew I couldn't let you fight alone, Buck” Steve admitted quietly, still looking down, “And I’m glad I didn't. Seeing you on that table-”

“I know” Bucky breathed, pulling the blond into a firm hug - the most he could do while they were this much in the open, “we’ll talk more when we get back to base, okay?”

Steve just nodded, straightening his posture before stepping out of the hug, his Captain persona firmly back on.

“I can wait”

Roughly 12 hours later, the rag-tag group arrived back to camp to cheers of ‘Captain America!’, a very pretty brunette (that Bucky was not jealous of at all) greeting Steve with a proud smile.

By the time they were allowed to go to the barracks - ‘Bucky’s staying with me, sir, he was in bad shape and I’d like to keep an eye on him’ - the older man was well and truly exhausted.

“So - Peggy”

Steve sighed, running his hands over his face dramatically, “It’s not like that”

“Sure pal”

“No. Really” Steve insisted, grabbing Bucky’s chin, forcing their eyes to meet, “It’s not like that”

Bucky hummed, climbing into the bed with a well-practice air of blasé.

“Buck, I swear it” Steve said, voice quiet, “I missed you so much”

“You wouldn’t have to hide with her” 

“What?”

“Peggy. You wouldn't have to hide with Peggy”

A small sad sound came from behind him, followed by a sudden shoot of movement as Steve climbed on to the bed with Bucky, his newly-enlarged form swamping the man with his hug as he was pulled into a strong chest.

“But I don't love her. I love you, you know this”

As soon as the first tear escaped Bucky’s eye he knew he was fucked, his hand reaching up to gran on to Steve’s arm.

“I don't know what they did to me Steve. I don't - I don't know what they did and I don't know if I can protect you anymore”

“You don't need to protect me anymore” the blond said, truthfulness radiating from every pore, “I can help myself now. We can protect each other”

Another muffled sob. Bucky wiggled around in Steve’s arms so that they were face-to-face, his hand resting on his cheek.

“I love you so much”

“I love you too”

“Punk”

“Jerk”

The two of them lied there, entwined in each other’s arms as Bucky’s cries slowly died down.

“Buck?”

“Yeah?”

“I missed your singing” Steve admitted, “the apartment was too quiet without it”

Bucky huffed a laugh, readjusting himself so that he was facing Steve head-on.

“If you wanted me to sing all you had to do was ask, you punk”

Steve let out a soft giggle, tears welling in his eyes as Bucky began to sing, his voice softer than normal.

“How much do I love you? I'll tell you no lie, How deep is the ocean? How high is the sky?”

+1 (2015)

Steve had finally found him. Bucky was home.

Well - not home - both of them had lost their homes years ago, but together, as bruised and broken as they might be. And for now? That was enough.

“Steve?” 

Bucky’s monotone voice broke the heavy silence that had fallen over the apartment, the blond’s head whipping around to face him. Seeing he had his attention, Bucky continued.

“Did you ever sing to me?”

The question sent Steve’s stomach plunging, a small flicker of hope blooming in his chest at the slightly wrong memory.

“No, but you used to sing to me all the time” Steve said, shuffling slightly closer to Bucky, watching as his eyes lit up with the confirmation, “you used to do it to calm me down when I was stressed or upset”

Bucky nodded, biting his lip thoughtfully.

“Could you - could you sing something for me?”

His voice was soft and unsure, the timid expression something Steve was reluctant to say he was now used to seeing on Bucky’s face.

“If you really want me to I will - but I’m nowhere near as good as you” 

“I’m sure that's not true” Bucky said, smiling as he relaxed marginally into his seat.

Steve fidgeted in his seat as he wondered what to sing, his mind going back to the first time Bucky sang to him. A small smile flitted across his face at the memory, deciding the on the old melody.

“Of all the money that e'er I spent, I spent it in good company“

Bucky let out a soft noise, peacefulness oozing from him as he completely relaxed in his seat, letting Steve’s voice drown out the rest of his thoughts.

“And all the harm that ever I did, Alas it was to none but me”

Steve watched Bucky raptly, searching for any spark of recognition.

“And all I've done for want of wit, To memory now I can't recall”

Steve’s next words died in his throat as Bucky opened his mouth, the smooth voice he had been yearning to hear suddenly filling the room.

“So fill to me the parting glass, Good night and joy be with you all”

The two men fell silent, seemingly at a standstill while Bucky digested the new memories. Steve held his breath, hope now beating ceaselessly against his ribs.

“Stevie”

It was just a breath, no louder than an feather falling to the ground, but Steve knew.

Bucky remembered.

_______________________________________________________________

@patzammit​  @geeksareunique​   @xxloki81xx​  @bangtan-serendipity​

Songs:

1. The Parting Glass 

2. Danny Boy by Frederic Weatherly

3. If You Were Mine by Billie Holiday

4. Til the end of time by Les Brown

5. How Deep Is The Ocean by Irving Berlin

+1 The Parting Glass

[awhilesince]

Friday, 19 February 1830

Friday 19

8 3/4

1 5/60

Incurred a cross last night gently thinking of Pi (Mariana) Dressed in an hour a little motion getting up cutting open and reading Nysten’s dictionary de medicine jusqu’à 11 heures – Dejeuner en 25 minutes – 

from 11 1/2 to 3 read over my letter to M– (Mariana) and wrote one end, and sent it to the post office about 1 to “Mrs Lawton 16 South Parade, Leamington, Warwickshire, Angleterre” – kind letter of chit chat – mentioned dining at the embassy on Friday and should have dined at the de N–s’ (Noés’) on Sunday and gone to the ball on Monday but prevented by sick headache – never fear more groundless than my becoming so wedded to the world as not to relish more rational and less exciting enjoyments – say I am no grumble against the world, it is not in my nature to be so ungrateful, but if I must make mental wreck it is not likely to be on shifting shoals of people but rather on dreary reefs of solitude – but will not enter on this subject now – will hear what Miss MacL– (MacLean) says – surely something will be hit upon by and by – no fault to find with Cameron – she is very well conducted and obliging – not more careless than probably others would be and anxious to do as well as she can, that I am desired of giving her chance – she would do well enough if M– (Mariana) was with me – but she is not in fact, a servant quite to suit me – she has all learn and “I, vous savez bien pourquoi, am the person to train up a lady’s maid in the way she should go” – If she cannot at last get to suit me, I shall, at all rates, not part with her till I have some reasonable hope of getting a better – mention Miss MacL–‘s (MacLean’s) so excellent account of M–‘s (Mariana’s) looks and spirits – and her having told Miss MacL– (MacLean) she meant to pay me a visit soon – asked what this might mean – 

wrote 3 pages of a small sheet to Miss H– (Hobart) – thanks for the little cardcase – delighted to find I was not rubbed out of her remembrance – Surely she would understand that it was no complaint on my part to say, I would far rather have this little specimen of her handiwork than all the fine things that all the people ever made at Spa – said I instantly recollected her own – Charles shook hands with him and claimed our 

left margin: acquaintance of almost 2 years standing, dating from Edinborough May 1828. Was not this wonderful for me whose memory gently serves me so ill in remembering people – mentioned dining at the Embassy on Friday myself and Lady S– (Stuart) de R– (Rothesay) the only ladies at dinner –

tho’ several came afterwards – had a little chit chat with Lady S– (Stuart) de R– (Rothesay) like her very much – she is naturally quick and clever – has 2 ideas when other people have one – Glad she was at Wimpole, because everybody delighted to have her and I know she always enjoys herself – thought, too, change of air would do both her and Lady Stuart good – knew not whether it was unreasonable or not de ma part, but began to think it long since I heard from Lady S– (Stuart) mention my letter this day week from Madame de Hagemann – concluded with saying my head would let me write no more than ever affectionately hers – Stupid sort of letter but my head ached biliously, and I could not write better – 

then wrote full 1/2 sheet to Miss MacL– (MacLean) delighted with Mr Lindeley’s so good account of her – thought he seemed come here to see if he could turn his services to better account than at home – but what I had read on the subject was not likely to flatter his hopes much – he seemed unprepared for the necessary etiquette about being presented to the royal family here – made no other observation respecting him – no hint that I thought him vulgarish anything but highbred –

after 2 George brought in the card of “Mr Willoughby Crewe Hotel Aubin Rue Rivoli” with parcel containing the bond I gave M– (Mariana) at Lawton in 1826 for £200, and her marriage settlement bond, and the little dialogue she wrote (very well done) addressed to the lower class explanationary of her Friendly Society rules – 

went out at 3 10/60 – my aunt with me – drove to the bois de B– (Boulogne) walked 1 3/4 hour my usual round by Boulogne and Auteil – back to the Porte Maillot – En passing left at the embassy my letter (sans envelope) to “Miss Hobart Honorable Lady Stuart’s Whitehall”, and my letter to “Miss Maclean 12 New Street, Dorset Sqare” – home at 5 3/4 – gave out 2 dozen servants wine – dressed dinner at 6 1/2 – read partly aloud, the whole of the paper – 

came to my room at 8 1/2 – read my letter one full 1/2 sheet and 1 page another 1/2 sheet very kind letter from Lady Stuart dated Wimpole 15 February – but a so so account of herself – there is a place on her ankle Mr Freeman wishes her to be careful of –she feels as if she had no strength in her legs to support her – Alas! the infirmities of old age are creeping thickly on her – yet a little while and I shall have lost this good friend – speaking of Lord Graves and our sorry etc etc she adds “there is no doubt “higher powers had urged him to forget and forgive and that he could not stand it …… he must have quite lost himself as starvation attends his family as all he did dies with him – It seems Mr Charles Stuart is only come for a fortnight – then read my letter from Miss MacL– (MacLean) 4 pages and page and a few lines of crossing of 1/2 sheet envelope – unclosing 2 1/2 sheet notes from Lady Anderson (wife of Sir James A– (Anderson) lately ruined by failure of his steam carriage speculation) soliciting £1 to buy in a steam horse – it was said it might be bought in at this, tho’ it cost Sir James £80 – the intention was to exhibit this horse at one shilling each person on admission – what a resource! she finding herself in a family way, will not appear on the stage of a year – Miss MacL– (MacLean) wisely declined advancing the money herself, but did what she could to collect it among Lady A–‘s (Anderson’s) country women (the Irish) – 

Miss MacL– (MacLean) gives a good account of herself about a page on the whole much less there usual on the high merits and success of Mr Long – “I am continuing as well as I think I ever shall be, and happy to feel myself as I am but I shall “say no more on my health but leave you to the faithful reporters at Whitehall who are at this moment at Wimpole” which I think rather an indecorous proceeding   Henry having twice passed thro London without calling and they were promised him as their inducement to the visit   but I mean never more to utter a word on the subject to Vere     she has had all sorts of warning from me and may heaven direct her to what is best    I wish with all my heart   a vain wish   that she had never accompanied you to Paris as the things of this passing world occupy her far more than formerly    “There is a lady of comfortable independent fortune here Sarah Lawrence’s most intimate friend – who is wishing for a Travelling Companion for some years – she goes in spring to Paris” …… Miss MacL– (MacLean) mentioned me – anxious to hear all about me – “I do not know her much – she seems kindhearted – money in sufficiency, a harp in her room, looks musical – she seems healthy and good humoured – and speaks thro’ her nose   smart in her dress – and I should think a few years older than you” – good enough!    but I now feel that it is necessary to inquire well into Miss MacLs recommendations   I know nothing of Mrs Lawrence    were the lady a friend of Lady Ss or of Veres the case would be different   as it is I doubt much   besides my fancy runs on Miss MacKenzie Miss MacL– (MacLean) drolly enough concludes with (quite abruptly brought in) “Mrs Lawton is your best friend – no one loves so enthusiastically as she does” – this strikes – I know and believe it – 

Coffee at 9 40/60 – came to my room at 10 1/4 – from then to 11 1/2 wrote the whole (but the 2 first lines) of the above of today – fine day – Fahrenheit 36° I think when I got up this morning, but 40° at 10 1/4 p.m. – a very little sun today, but not much – 

Letter this morning 1 page from Miss Pickford Place de Noailles no. 49 Marseille Bouches du Rhône February 14 – “Fahrenheit 55° 1 p.m.” – to ask me to see and get Madame Marcet sent off if possible to Marseille as they stay there till the 24th instant – Reading a little anatomy Cloquet volume 2

(SH:7/ML/E/12/0167)

[sdhanagare]

Happy Birthday Amitji

Amitabh Bachchan completes 77 years and 50 years of entertaining us.

It was 1969 he made his debut. I was just 5 years old.

In 1970 we left for Brighton England for my Fathers doctorate, ( before which in 1969 a superstar came on the horizon in form of Rajesh Khanna

I remember the last movie we saw before leaving India was Aradhana).

We were in England for almost 4 years. So I missed the phenomena of Rajesh Khanna and the blooming of Amitabh Bachchan.

I remember the first movie I saw was Roti Kapada aur Makaan it was 1974 at Heer Palace Kanpur. I fell in love with the charismatic character of Vijay .

His journey from a unruly youth to the army where he looses his arm( my father used to tease me for many days as Dunda Haath Chalaaye Bandook ) was very well depicted by him under the direction of Manoj Kumar. The way he drives the motorcycle with the accelerator between his teeth. I was overwhelmed , His anger was so genuine.

The second movie I remember was Benaam. A suspense thriller and my admiration for him increased.

This was followed by reruns of Anand Namak Haraam and Abhimaan at our L7  auditorium at IIT Kanpur ( as they had been released when we were abroad )

I used to ask my parents to take me to see his releases.

Those were the days of advance booking and being away from the main city many times we could not get tickets to his movies..

We had to try thrice before we could see Deewar and Sholay both released in the year of emergency 1975.

Faraar, Chupke Chupke and Mili were the first movies I saw more than once in those days as a 11 year old. Thankfully for me my parents also were movie buffs. ( Obviously I could not go alone then but started doing so 4 years later )

Something which came to me genetically as my grandmother also was a movie fan. We used to see movies over the fortnight.

After almost 2and half months during my Diwali Vacation of 1975, we finally got tickets to Sholay at Sundar theatre. The movie then was ruthlessly edited with Asranis scenes as also Jayas Holi Scenes being cut . But that movie had a great impact on me, esp the character of Jai.

It was later in 1976 in its Golden Jubilee week I we saw Deewaar.

After Deewar I was totally smitten with Amitji, I used to tie a knot on my shirt like he did. Since then somehow or the other I saw every movie released.

In 1978 we shifted to Pune.

In Pune I realised that theatres were not so far as in Kanpur and I had a cycle.

In 1979 in 9th Standard I bunked school and went to see The Great Gambler ( which my parents would not allow as it was for Adults ). In Pune I understood the concept of Advance Booking, where bookings for a movie used to open on Monday and if one wished to see a film First day then that booking needed to be done.

In vacations we used to go my Dads Hometown of Washim ( then in Akola, now a district ) , there we had a theatre owned by a trust of which my grandfather was a trustee. Movies were free for us and seats were reserved for trustees.

Used to love going to the movies there but my memory brightens up when I remember that I saw Muqaddar Ka Sikander 4 times on the trot in 4 days, including once ( Interval to Interval ). Sholay I saw there 5 times in a week, this was thankfully the uncut version .

It is a well-known chapter of Indian film history beginning with the release of Prakash Mehras Zanjeer in 1973 which turned Amitabh into a goldmine.

This movie I finally got to see first on DD and in the theatre as late as 1980 during a re-run. Smouldering in the Salim-Javed dialogues and refracted through the Amitabh flamboyance fired the imagination of a whole nation as nothing had ever done before a trend which was carried ahead in Deewar, Sholay,Trishul, Don, Kaala Pathhar, Shaan, Shakti.

Movies then used to release phase wise first in Metros and a week or even later in other cities . Pune normally movies released a week later than Mumbai

And Lonawala used to come in the Mumbai circuit. I used to take a local to Lonawala to see Amitabhs movies. Once for Yaarana the tickets were not available in Black also , I took a ride at the back of a truck and went till Khopoli and saw the movie. Similarly Kaalia also I saw at Lonawala.

From Pune used to go for Summer Vacations to Mumbai and saw many movies there. Namak Halaal, Dostana, Desh Premee, Mahaan were all seen there.

Once I decided to go and visit his house, then Prateeksha. I had gone alone and after I reached just looked at the house in awe.

I always used to think if I could ever meet him, see him.

Thats a long story and long time ahead.

One incident I remember that in 1991, my father was travelling from Delhi to Mumbai,( and from Mumbai to Pune by road, as Pune airport was not functional then). On reaching home he asked me during dinner , guess who was next to me on the flight ( He was eligible for Business Class then ). I couldnt guess and he told me, your favourite Amitabh Bachchan. I was zapped, I said Dad did you get his autograph ? Dad replied, why should I , Iam not his fan, when you meet him, take it .

Cut to 1994 , I had won the All India award for Best Sales performance and the award was to be given at Mumbai. We were invited to Mumbai and put up at Ajantha Ambassador hotel. We were to join the team from Pune as they started from Sangli by Mahalaxmi express which reached Pune at 6am, we found that very early and decided to come by Deccan Queen which reached Mumbai by 10.30 am. As I reached the Hotel, I saw a Mercedes Van coming out of the gate, I wowed it and came to the reception where my colleague Pravin Rayate greeted me with.. You should have come a bit earlier, Amitabh Bachchan was in the lobby to pick up Jaya Ji {who had her office on the second floor ( Saraswati Audiovisuals, the makers of the TV hit seriel Dekh Bhai Dekh )}. So I Mercedes I saw was his and if I had taken Mahalaxmi express and come, I would have met him. It was not to be. It dampened the spirits of my award ( which I received two days later at Taj from the hands of Adi.B and Nadir.B Godrej .

The Journey moved on..

Insipte of the ups and downs, odds and evens Amitabhs box-office records can be described only in superlatives. Producers and distributors seemed to believe still that even a flop with Amitabhs name on the marquee is a good enough grosser, which was proved by the trade.

His image of the angry young man had viewers reeling under the magic of neorealism, where dream and daydream coalesced in a brave new world. The myriad manifestations of Amitabhs no-holds-barred rebellion offered a blissful release to the repressions of a whole generation. The star became a cult figure of radical dynamism, of iconoclastic change. He was no stranger to the seaminess of street life. His idealism rose not from birth or class, but from action. His avatars recurred in shanties and ghettos, in the underworld dens and among the dregs of humanity. There he battled with the predators of the concrete jungle for survivalhis belligerence hiding a tender heart, family virtues, human kindliness. He was the ultimate good man, often turned bad by circumstances, whose atonement came through self-sacrificeoften unto gory, long-drawn death.

So from Zanjeer through Deewar, Sholay, Mukaddar ka Sikandar, Shahenshah, Inderjeet, Agneepath and Akayla, to Khuda Gawah, the Amitabh archetype continues to reflect variations on a simplistic mould, magnified to a brilliant potency; it has now become part of the collective psyche of a nation of filmgoers. It was the perfect antidote to the dystopian nightmare of modern mechanistic existence, especially in the less cynical times of the recent past. Amitabh individuates his roles with the utmost confidence and conviction. He makes the unsubtle seem subtle, touches the crass with class, makes melodrama credible. Certainly, no other Indian actor had the speaking eyes and spellbinding voice to infuse nuanced suggestivity into stereotypical situations. His finesse did not alienate his characters from the masses.

In the mid 90s he moved towards central Character roles the catalyst being Mohobattein.

Then came the super hit T.V. show Kaun Banega Carorepati anchored by Amitabh. It gave an entire new life to his career which was under the dark shadow.

Finally out of the blue came the date, 12th November 2018.

The prelude to this date was the fact that I had connected to Amitji on all his social media accounts , also my senior colleague Dr Manoj Mehta who was an active participant of ABEF ( Amitabh Bachchan extended Family ), offered us a chance to be a spectator at the KBC show , we ( My friend / ex senior from Godrej Sanjay Pandey, and current colleague Kapil Sharma ) . The date was 12th November. It was the last week of shooting of that season. We reached the sets at Film City at 2 pm sharp but had a long wait till 8pm till we were finally seated, alas in the third row. It was another wait for an hour before the shoot began. Finally at @ 9.00pm he came in a Maroon Suit, seeing him I froze.. There he was some 25 feet away from me. Very interactive with the crowd, very sportive, responding to our comments and jokes. How almost 4 hours past, and it was well after 12am that the photos he has with the audience started and well after 1 am that he left. Look at his dedication reached the sets at 9 am completed 2 episode shoots and left at 1 am. He had just turned 76 then. I had finally seen with my eyes, my hero , my idol, or even if I may say My god.

But better things were ahead, The 2019 edition of KBC started in August 2019.

We had epressed our wish to be a participant again. It was 18th July, at 7.12 pm got a message from Dr Manoj that we could attend the shoot on 6th August as the show restarted on 5th August. This time the procedure was different. There was an online procedure which need to be followed up with the invite.

We did that. But July end, rains started in Mumbai and Pune, everywhere there were spells of flooding, roads closed. Sanjay and Myself were the only two left from Pune and a friend of Sanjay, Kailash Agarwal was to jpin us at Mumbai.

The forecast was rains, we debated till late evening weather to go or quit, but the urge of seeing him was so much that we decided to take the risk.

We reached at 3 pm sharp , but this time there wasnt a long wait. We enrolled ourselves and it was an hour and half later that we were inside. This time being enrolled from the ABEF , we got privileged entry, and were in the first row.

Oh what a feeling it was !! Another hour Later Big B made his majestic entry. Again he was interactive with the crowd, and the shooting ended at 8.30 pm.

Then the photographs moments came. Finally he was in front of me, I had taken a token gift for him, which he accepted. Took his Biography along which he autographed. I was trembling in joy as I shook hands with him, talked to him, it lasted a minute but the emotions were beyond eternity.

Finally at the age of 55 and 45 years later I got to meet him.

Nobody else ever had this deadly combination of unmatched talent and charisma and nobody else will ever have it in future. Then there was style, polish and a great deal of seclusion encouraging rumours and augmenting the aura. Anyway one looked at it, the man radiates power. To recapitulate there has only been one super star in India, and that is Amitabh Bachchan. 

[porchwood]

Okay, here goes. The incredible @everlarkedalways created a GoFundMe to help me out through present circumstances, but before I share that link, I wanted to explain a bit of what’s been going on. I feel awful accepting financial help, in part because I’ve been such a dry well for the past 18 months (I have nothing creative to give back/say “thank you” with) and also because so many of you have previously contributed monies to help me through other crisis points over the past five years (yes, it’s been that long and no, it doesn’t seem to be getting any better). But things are maybe the most desperate they’ve ever been and I really can’t say no to badly needed help.

Because I’m long-winded, I’m going to try to condense this into a simple chronological order. Things have been relentlessly bad since my car accident on December 26, 2013, but this is where the current run really started: 

December 2017: The day after Christmas, I went to the ER at 3am with excruciating chest and upper back pain, a bad experience all around (terrible staff, indifferent care). Their best guess was that I’d had an acid reflux attack, something I’d never had before (but have had since, alas :/).

January 2018: The ER bill saga began, and after loads of paperwork/headaches applying for any kind of aid/bill forgiveness, they put me on a payment plan for the $1,343 balance (and yes, that was "after” insurance - Marketplace policies are crap and all they did was “adjust” the total; nothing was covered). Meanwhile, I started taking Lucky to an acupuncturist over an hour’s drive away, desperate to find something to ease her severe separation anxiety (nonstop barking and howling when I was gone, which we have been struggling to treat, with varying degrees of success, for over two years). The sessions were very expensive (around $400 for one month - I had to put them on a credit card that I’m still chipping away at) and actually made her WORSE.

February 2018: The downstairs neighbors left a mildly threatening note about Lucky’s howling - the day before my birthday. In a ridiculous twist of luck, I managed to find a great sitter who only takes little dogs and was (and still is) able to watch Lucky for me as needed, but it cost me $25/day. (At most I would use her two days a week, but you can see how quickly that would add up.) At the same time, I also started administering CBD drops (suggested by our new vet) to Lucks when I had to leave her at home.

July 2018: After increasing the dosage multiple times, I finally started seeing improvement in Lucky’s behavior from a combination of the CBD drops and SAMe, which was huge (note the timespan), but these therapies cost about $100 month. I resolved to make it work somehow.

September 2018: I found out that my workplace had been bought out by an area salon and would be changing hands soon. Shortly thereafter the new owner sent us the employee handbook, which stated that we could not have another job in the same field (many massage therapists in this part of the country work at multiple places as there simply isn’t enough work to go around, especially in the off-season). The new owner was originally okay with me keeping my second job (on-call work at a yoga studio), and then I learned that that position was switching from a subcontractor to an outright rental (I would have to pay up front for the use of the room and possibly make none of it back while having to promote myself as a business), so for several reasons I decided I would leave that second job at the end of October and try to pick up more hours at my “main” job. One bright spot in all this: the downstairs neighbors moved out at the end of the month, but...

October 2018: ...the day after the neighbors moved out, the landlord informed my roommate (a THG fandom friend and content creator) that the owner of our building had sold the property and that we had 30 days to vacate. I can’t even begin to articulate how stressful, expensive, frightening, and exhausting that time was. By the end of October our only real option was a little house approximately 10 miles from town, and miraculously we got ourselves moved out there - to the tune of lots of $$$ and insane energy expenditure.

November 2018: Because I now lived about 20 mins from work and I have to come home at lunchtime to take Lucky out (and give her a booster of anxiety drops), I had to switch to split shifts. If you’ve ever worked split shifts, you will understand why this sucks (you’re never home, you’re always tired, and you never see or spend time with the people you live with). My new boss put me on the schedule for two additional days a week (I initially had just two days a week, period, hence the second job), which initially seemed very promising, but neither myself nor the rest of the staff realized that the new management had an either/or policy when it comes to pay. (This is messy and frustrating to explain, but in a nutshell: instead of getting paid commission for massages and hourly for the rest of your clocked-in time - laundry, desk help, etc - you get paid ONLY commission, i.e., nothing for all the extra things you do, unless the commission divided by hours amounts to less than minimum wage, in which case they pay you minimum wage for the week instead, including for your massage hours. Which is not cool but is, apparently, legal.) So I was driving about an hour a day (20 mins each way, twice, to the tune of about 300 miles/week) just to make minimum wage (we were entering the dead season for massage and I’m the perpetual “second string” therapist anyway, so some weeks I had just four clients in four days :/), which was exhausting and disheartening.

December 2018: Daylight glimmered: my sister (with whom I am extremely close and who I hadn’t seen in a year and a half) flew out to see me after Christmas. A coworker agreed to cover the whole week and a half of her visit for me, and I was a little nervous about taking the time off (unpaid, of course) at such a rotten financial time, but I hadn’t had a vacation of any kind since moving to Maine nor a weekend off since August of 2017. I resolved to be extra frugal during her visit and my work schedule was going to be almost full after she left, so I was pretty sure I could squeak through somehow.

I saw her off on her return trip, and that night I was carrying some dishes down from our living room when I took a very bad fall down the stairs. These are awful, steep “Maine stairs,” and in my fall my left leg shot out through the open side of the staircase and wedged the knee against the bookcase in the dining room below. When I tried to get up I realized that something was very wrong with my knee, and my roommate helped me to bed with ice, a brace, ibuprofen, etc. The following morning I went to the hospital and was directed to the same stupid ER (the last place I ever wanted to go again, but they don’t have urgent care out here and wouldn’t let me just see a GP, so I broke down and cried in admissions). The care I received was middling, if not as bad as on my previous visit, and the nurse-practitioner ordered no weight-bearing for three days, which meant losing the rest of that (desperately needed) work week, and advised following up with orthopedics the next week if the knee wasn’t better.

My wonderful roommate made all kinds of accommodations for my comfort for those three days, and I implemented all the extra therapies I could think of (turmeric, arnica, l-glutamine, Epsom salt soaks, etc). I asked my employers about the possibility of picking up non-massage hours (covering the desk, laundry, etc) but was given the impression that there was nothing for me to do till I could return to massage again. I went to the orthopedic doctor last Thursday and his diagnosis was an MCL (least concerning of the knee ligaments) sprain or tear. I was already strides ahead on his self-care recommendations (getting myself off the crutches, constantly wearing a good brace) and he was supposed to refer me for some PT, but I haven’t heard a peep on that front, and I’m not particularly concerned because, Lord knows, my insurance probably wouldn’t pay for that anyway. He estimated 4 weeks to full recovery but I’m determined to get back to work before that.

So, here’s where we’re at: I’m out of work at the worst time of year, and at the very least, I’ll lose 2.5 weeks of pay (on top of the planned week I took off, plus Christmas and New Year’s were unpaid holidays). Because we live in Maine where everyone has beastly heating fuel, even in a decently insulated house (as I believe this one to be), it costs us around $350 a month to keep the place at 58 degrees through the winter months. (Yes, 58 degrees. 60 if we’re splurging.)

My credit cards are maxed out from car repairs and copious Lucky expenses (including an emergency vet visit - she ended up being fine but it was one of those things that happens after hours/over a weekend and you really shouldn’t wait several days to have checked out).

Oh, and just for fun, our January rent payment got lost in the mail. The landlord was very nice about it and we promptly sent out a replacement, but this meant paying $35 for a stop-payment on the missing check (did I mention that I had to buy checks, to the tune of almost $30, just for paying rent?).

Those of you who have already donated: you are quite literally keeping me going right now. You covered Lucky’s rabies booster yesterday and refills of her food and supplements (all of which, naturally, were running out at the same time), and Lucky is absolutely the reason I’m still alive, so her care honestly means more to me than my own.

I have no idea what my medical bills will look like at this point. I’m assuming the ER visit will be around $1000, and I’m sure the orthopedic visit will be up there somewhere too. As soon as bills start coming in I’ll apply for aid (or, likelier than not, a payment plan), but in order to do that they’re going to want my new tax returns, which means I’m going to have to get my taxes done (probably in Feb) just to find out what my ultimate medical expenses will be. (I used to do my own taxes cheaply through TaxAct, but I was a subcontractor for part of the year, which complicates things and means having to pay someone $$$ to do them this round. I may actually owe on my taxes this year, which is terrifying.)

The healing has been going well overall and I’m hoping to be able to go back to work next week, but I don’t want to assume my knee will oblige. To add insult to injury, I just got hammered with a terrible cold (the kind that levels you in bed), so my body is triaging itself and I’m not sure which is going to get the care first. Surprisingly enough, Lucky’s being a great little nurse, but recovery is a difficult and very lonely process, especially when you get saddled with illness on top of injury.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble. I’ve been reluctant to talk about the miserable past year, but in light of the fact that I’m receiving (and, I guess, asking for :/ ) help, I thought you should know what’s been going on. Thanks for listening and blessings on your day. <3

[nicolewrites]

sometimes we celebrate the silence

For @nerdzewordart, Happy Feast of Fortuna! You requested art first and fic second, but alas, my art skills are not up to par. Instead, take highschool au Jason/Piper and the two aesthetics I made to match. @feastoffortuna2017

Rating: T Genre: Romance and Friendship Characters: [Piper McLean and Jason Grace], Annabeth Chase, Leo Valdez, Percy Jackson Words: 3,663

Sometimes silence is more romantic that a raging beach party. / jasiper / highschool au / for nerdzewordart on tumblr / Feast of Fortuna 2017

AO3 | FFN

Annabeth shut the door more aggressively than she needed to, and Piper laughed. "That bad?"

The blonde slouched in the seat, scowling. "You have no idea."

Piper turned the key in the ignition and her car rumbled to life. She gave Annabeth a pointed look and her friend fastened her seatbelt reluctantly. Piper turned her eyes to the road and waited for Annabeth to start talking. This was usually how their conversations went when one of them was frustrated and it worked.

"He's being obstinate," she complained. "It's such a simple fix, so why won't he listen to me?"

"Annie," Piper drawled as she turned the corner onto Annabeth's street. "You realise that you're fighting with your boyfriend over something small right? You guys have been dating for three years and this is what you choose to fight over?"

"It's important!" Annabeth insisted. The blonde removed her sunglasses, dropped them into the cupholder of the car, and ran a hand through her blonde curls.

Piper slowed to a stop at a red light, easing off the gas, and raised an eyebrow at her best friend. "Annabeth, I love you, but you're fighting over a goddamn tie."

Annabeth turned her head away insistently. "We should match. Plus, his mum agrees with me and it's her wedding."

"I mean, I agree with you too, but ultimately Percy is the one who will be wearing the tie. Do you really think his mum is going to care if he's wearing a tie? She's got tons of other things to worry about," Piper pointed out.

Annabeth sighed. "You're right."

"As always," Piper interjected.

"And," Annabeth continued, casting Piper a firm look, "we'll be fine at the party tonight."

"Good. Tonight is about fun, so you'd better be ready."

Piper turned into Annabeth's driveway and put her car in park. Annabeth leant over and hugged her and Piper returned the embrace as best she could. Annabeth hopped out of the car and ran across the manicured lawn to the front door of the typical suburban home. Piper watched to make sure her friend got inside alright before she slid the gear shift into reverse and headed to her own home.

She turned up the radio and began humming along to the catchy pop song on the radio. Normally pop music wasn't her thing, but the start of summer was a special occasion. It called for stupid summer anthems and drinking at the beach with friends. One didn't come without the other, so Piper embraced the terrible music taste of the radio DJ with open arms.

Driving from Annabeth's house, so close to the school, to her own was not a short trip, but she did it every day. It wasn't like she was paying for the gas to her car herself, and every minute she spent with her extremely busy friend was worth it. Besides, it wasn't like there was anything she could do at her own house without drowning in the endless hallways and empty rooms.

She drove through the edges of the town, spying some classmates milling around in the streets. Everyone was looking in good spirits and a few waved to Piper as she drove by. She cruised past rows of identical suburban houses and then through the rougher neighbourhood with the more interesting homes. She spent a good amount of time in this area too, thanks to Leo, but she still wasn't home.

As the houses became sparser, and the lots larger, Piper finally spied her house. She rolled up to the edge of her driveway and watched as the gate slid away, granting her access. Piper parked her car in her spot in the garage and jumped out. She grabbed her bag from the front seat on the way and entered the house.

The closing door echoed through the home and Piper knew that it meant her dad wasn't home. He wouldn't be home until later, and she would be lucky if he was home before she went out. Still, she knew things were better than they could have been. At least these days, she saw him nearly every day.

Piper dumped her bag by the door and headed straight for the kitchen. She poured herself a glass of water and wandered towards the window, the ice cubes clinking against the glass. It was nearing four o'clock and the sun was still fairly high in the sky.

Her phone buzzed in her pocket and Piper fished it out. She had a new message from Percy. She smiled subconsciously at the picture of Leo and Jason set as her home screen as she swiped to read the message.

Order pizza yet?

Piper rolled her eyes. Of course, Percy was worried about the pizza. I'll do it now, she replied. Piper opened the app for the pizza place and created a new order. She bought six and set the delivery address for Percy's house at 8 PM.

She glanced at her watch again and saw it had inched only marginally closer to 4 PM. Piper took another glance out at the blue skies streaked with small, white clouds. It was a beautiful day and there was no one saying she couldn't go down sooner than the others.

Hitting the surf in 15. She fired the text to both Percy and Annabeth so they wouldn't be wondering where she was.

Piper headed up to her room, ignored the growing pile of clothes on her desk chair, and headed right for her closet. She picked out her bathing suit and a pair of ratty shorts. She pulled on one of Jason's shirts that she'd stolen and repurposed by cutting the arms off and cropping it, and grabbed a flannel to finish her look.

She slid down the bannister to the main floor and hummed as she walked back into the kitchen, leaving a note for her dad reminding him that she was sleeping over at Percy's. Piper headed back into the garage, locking the door to the house behind her, and opened the back of her car.

She loaded a cooler into the back, as well as another case of beer and a carton of hard liquor. Since Piper's half-sister was of age, it was easy for her to get a run when she needed it, and an end of the year beach party was a perfectly acceptable reason for Silena to buy for her.

Piper threw in a case of coke for those who wouldn't be drinking, and the bundle of firewood she had picked up the week before. Satisfied she had everything, Piper got into her car and headed out.

She reached Percy's place in ten minutes and parked in the shade of the tree out front. She left most of the stuff in her car, bringing only her bag out, as she walked around the side of Percy's house and headed down towards the beach. She kicked off her shoes as soon as she was on the soft sand, relishing in the way that the warm sand slid familiarly through her toes.

She grabbed her board from the rack near the dock and dumped her bag. She shed her shorts and top before pushing out into the water. The sunlight glinted off the waves and the familiar sea breeze made her grin.

School had been making it hard to find time to really hit the waves, but it was summer now. She and Percy had already made a pact to surf as much as possible together before he left for New York, and to try and teach Annabeth and Jason the basics. Still, there were few things Piper loved more than late afternoon rides with the promise of a great evening ahead.

She paddled out and sat up on her board, watching the water intently. Gentle waves bobbed her up and down, but she didn't see one she wanted to ride just yet. There was a boat further out that she could see, and she watched as it rose and fell due to the perfect wave.

She swam out to meet it before turning and riding it in. Just as it began to crest, she pushed up, planting her feet firmly, and she rode. Piper was perfectly balanced and perfectly at ease as she carved through the water, spraying herself in the face with cool droplets.

The wave broke and she wiped out, submerging completely, but she broke the surface easily, a grin spreading across her face.

She had missed this.

At close to 6:45, Piper was lying on the beach on her board, eyes closed while she soaked up some sun. She had nearly fallen asleep when someone plopped into the sand next to her. She opened one eye and to see who had disturbed her.

Percy Jackson cracked a sly grin and Piper smirked at him in reply.

"Ties, huh?" she teased.

Percy rolled his eyes. "Wow, so she told you."

"She tells me everything," Piper reminded.

"Very true." He rolled his shoulders forward and squinted towards the horizon and the slowly setting sun. "How were the waves today?"

"Good until the boats started going by," she replied. "When's Annabeth coming?"

"Now," Annabeth's voice cut in. Piper lolled her head back and spotted Annabeth standing close by, a blanket bundled under one arm.

Percy grinned upon seeing his girlfriend and he jumped up. He jogged over to her and pulled her into a kiss which Annabeth happily recuperated. Annabeth's blanket dropped to the sand as she slid her arms around Percy's neck and Piper rolled her eyes. Her friends were notorious for their PDA, even when they'd only been apart for a couple of hours.

"Hey, guys!" Piper called after they showed no signs of acknowledging her presence.

Annabeth broke the kiss and laughed at Piper's expression. "Like you wouldn't do the same with Jason if he was here."

Piper shrugged. "He's not."

Percy picked up Annabeth's blanket it draped it over his shoulder. "Anyways," he cut in, "the party starts at 7:30 and we should be good till around 11 when it gets too dark or cold."

Annabeth stepped next to Piper, draping an arm over her shoulders. "It's weird, isn't it? The last party of senior year?"

"Only because you guys are leaving me," Piper reminded.

"We'll be with you in spirit," Percy teased. "Now, where's that firewood? We should start setting up."

When the pizza arrived, the party was in full swing. Around thirty to forty people from the senior class were on the beach. Music was blaring from a boombox that Travis Stoll, the self-proclaimed DJ, had brought and the bonfire was crackling merrily.

The alcohol had been cracked into, but only just enough so that everyone was having a good time. Piper herself was nursing her first beer and hanging out near the fire. Her eyes were locked onto the dancing, orange flames and a small smile curled up the edges of her lips.

Suddenly, someone practically jumped onto her back and she stumbled forwards, almost falling. Piper spun and glared at her assailant, seeing Leo standing behind her with a cheeky grin on his face. He was holding a cup in one hand and his phone in the other.

"That was rude," Piper told him.

Leo laughed. "Come on, it was funny."

"You would have owed me a drink if I spilt this," Piper informed him, raising her drink in his direction.

"Gladly," Leo replied cheerfully.

Piper finally dropped her act and smiled at her best friend. "So, how's your night been?"

Leo shrugged. "Pretty good. I came with Calypso, but she wanted to dance, and my feet are not made for dancing."

Piper turned and looked towards where most of the dancing was taking place. It was the area closest to the speaker. Drew Tanaka and her friends were in the middle, but there were others, including Leo's mostly-girlfriend Calypso, having a good time too.

"You didn't go with her?"

"Like I said," Leo replied, "I'm not a dancer."

"Whatever you say," Piper teased. "Come get some pizza with me."

Leo linked arms with her and they walked up towards the top of the beach where someone had put out a table with the pizza displayed across it. Piper grabbed a piece of cheese and a piece of vegetarian and Leo took three pieces of pepperoni. Piper rolled her eyes. His stomach was a well-catalogued characteristic of his.

Leo stuck his tongue out at her and pulled her towards the water again. They found a spot in the sand where they could sit and just barely have their toes get wet. Piper watched as a group of people splashed around in the waves and she recognised Percy and Annabeth amongst them.

"You ready for them to leave?" Leo asked, following her gaze to Percy and Annabeth.

Piper smiled softly and took a bite of her pizza. "I'm not ready for anyone to leave."

"Just you and I left here," Leo mused. "The terrible two."

"You're the terrible one," she taunted.

Leo shoved her shoulder and she grinned, biting into her pizza again.

The sun was almost dipping below the waves now, and it spread a warm glow over the water and the teens spread across the beach. Piper leant back in the soft sand, letting her hands support her weight as she stared out across the beach. It was finally really starting to feel like summer.

Leo's phone buzzed and she watched as he opened the message and practically jumped to his feet. "Someone has sparklers!" he exclaimed excitedly. "I'll go grab us a couple."

"Want me to come?" Piper offered.

"Nah," he replied. "You seem comfortable."

Piper raised an eyebrow. "If you're sure."

Leo saluted her and jogged across the beach towards the fire. Piper turned back to the ocean and she watched Hazel, a friend in sophomore year who was dating the senior Frank Zhang, splash Annabeth before hiding quickly behind her boyfriend. Percy then grabbed Annabeth around the waist and basically dove under the water, drenching them both. Piper bit down a laugh.

The familiar sizzling noise of a sparkler caught her attention and she turned towards the sound, expecting to see Leo with one in each hand. Instead, she was met with a very different, but no less welcome, sight.

Jason Grace was holding two sparklers in one hand and smiling at her affectionately. He was wearing board shorts and a white t-shirt with the University of San Francisco logo on the front. Piper blinked at him in surprise and she imagined that she looked like a deer in headlights.

She placed her drink on the ground and stood up. "You're here! You said you weren't going to be back in time!"

Jason shrugged. "There was a change of plans, and we got back earlier than expected."

Piper lunged forwards and threw her arms around him, hugging him tightly. He smelled like fresh air and other nice things, as always. His free arm wrapped around her in return and it found a place on her waist as she pulled back from the hug. She was smiling wildly and Jason laughed at her. Piper stepped on his toes and pushed herself upwards, brushing their lips together briefly.

"You could have texted me," she said as she pulled away.

Jason nodded. "I could have." He passed her one of the sparklers and Piper took it, grinning. "I wanted to surprise you," he explained.

Piper twirled her sparkler near his face, leaving little streaks of light. "Well, I'm definitely surprised. And I'm guessing Leo was in on this, since he left to bring me one of these, and you were the one who showed up."

"I may have texted him," Jason mused, twirling his own sparkler.

Piper laughed and laced the fingers of their free hands together, pulling him with her as she ran towards the water. The seawater was cold as it lapped at their ankles, but Piper splashed Jason anyways and he splashed her back.

Soon they were both wet and laughing and their sparklers were extinguished. Jason took the dead sticks and tucked them into a free pocket before rejoining their hands. Most people were moving out of the water as the first remnants of the stars began to appear on the eastern horizon.

Several people had left, including most of the more drunk people, but someone had turned the music from the speaker down really low and people were gathering around the fire. Jason led Piper over and they found some seats on a log next to Will Solace and Nico di Angelo.

Will had a guitar in his lap and he smiled at Piper as they sat. "In the mood to sing?" he asked.

She shrugged. "Why not?"

Will strummed a few chords and Piper hummed along, catching onto the song easily. She started singing the first verse, and around the fire, people joined in. By the time they reached the chorus, almost the whole group was singing.

Jason's arm wrapped around Piper's waist and he smiled at her. He wasn't singing, but Piper wasn't going to fight him over it since they'd long established Jason did not have the voice for singing like she did. It was a joke shared between them with love.

Will started into another song and people sang along again. Eventually, the guitar chords faded into the background as people talked about things and made toasts, raising glasses full of water, coke, or slightly more risky substances. Piper had abandoned her beer, donating it to Leo, and Jason was only drinking water.

Piper leant into Jason's side and he pressed a light kiss to the side of her head. She tangled their hands again and ran the pads of her free digits over their interconnected knuckles, humming under her breath.

By now, the numbers had dwindled and there was only a core group of kids left. It was nearly 10:30, and the fire was just starting to burn through the last set of logs.

The party would be wrapping up very soon, but with her boyfriend at her side and her friends around her, Piper wasn't sure she wanted to head home, or to bed, just yet. She squeezed Jason's hand and he looked down at her.

"I have my car if you wanna go somewhere."

"Where?" he asked curiously.

Piper smiled. "Honestly, let's just go somewhere."

Jason's lips twitched. "Sounds like a plan."

They excused themselves from the circle, bidding everyone a goodnight, and headed off the beach towards where Piper was parked. She tossed Jason the keys when they reached her car. Despite not even finishing one drink, Piper wasn't going to risk driving.

She pulled up the address for a park on the north side of town and began directing Jason there. When they arrived, Jason parked near a lookout and Piper jumped out of the car, wandering towards it. It looked out over the city and Piper could just barely make out the smudge of orange that was the dying fire from the party on the beach.

Jason walked over, holding a blanket that had been in the backseat of her car. They spread the blanket and lay down together, staring up at the sky and the stars that were peeking through the indigo-violet sky. Piper curled into Jason and his arm easily wound around her waist in return.

"I love summer," she said quietly.

"I know you do," Jason agreed.

"I'm just not sure if I'm ready for everyone to leave," she murmured.

"I'm not sure any of us are ready to leave either," he admitted. "Besides, I'm going to San Francisco. It's not that far. It's Percy and Annabeth who are both going to New York."

"I hope they stay together."

"They've been good to each other for a long time," Jason said, tightening his grip around her a little.

Piper's eyes found the beginnings of a constellation. "So have we," she added.

"I'm glad."

They lay in comfortable silence for a moment. "I love you," Piper said softly.

"I love you too," Jason replied. His voice was low and gentle and Piper pressed a kiss to his cheek.

"Even though you're going away, we'll be okay, won't we?" she asked tentatively.

"Of course," Jason assured. "In fact, I actually have something for you."

Piper sat up and Jason copied her. She stared at him as he pulled a small box out of his pocket. Her eyes locked onto it and she nearly forgot to breathe.

"I don't really want to see my life without you. We're so young right now, but this feels so right. So," he trailed off, opening the box, "I'm hoping this will help us stay connected even when I'm away."

Piper gently reached out to touch the circular locket. It was gold and smaller than a penny, but it was embellished simply and beautifully. She flicked the tiny clasp and revealed their picture from prom. She smiled and ran a nail along the glass pane.

"It's beautiful, Jason, thank you."

"You're probably going to say I didn't have to, but I wanted to."

Piper laughed. "Right, because the movie star's daughter needs more things that are gold."

Jason kissed her then, and Piper didn't think much past it as she wound her arms around his neck. The kiss was lazy and slow, but romantic and full of emotion. They broke apart when Piper ran out of air and she pressed another, feather-light kiss to the edge of Jason's lips.

"This is the start of a perfect summer," she whispered so only he could hear her.

After that, it was quiet, but that was alright because despite how much she enjoyed people, there was something truly romantic and fulfilling about a little silence every now and then.