#but alas im stuck here. fuck this

[came0dust]

frankly i like the things i learned while making this more than the result itself and i wasnt really sure i even wanted to post it in part due to that but if i do keep iterating on the process i used during it, i feel this is valuable context

oh also before i forget: the sketch was done using this brush instead of the one i made earlier

[clonewarsahsoka]

I WANNA GO HOMEEEEEE

[readymades2002]

having a bad enough time that i am looking at what performances are scheduled for the ballet+opera near me and fantasizing about going on my own and having a nice time. which is maybe a normal thing for people with jobs to do but as i am a shut-in who has trained myself to stop having earthly material desires like tickets to performing arts things or any say over what my life looks like whatsoever is a dire sign

[writingjourney]

Papa(i cant decide what number 1-4) : angry at his lover, because she avoids him..

Reader in her bedroom: p-please love...kill me i have a fever

https://themidult.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/painting-woman-ill-sick-fluey-unwell2-800x500.jpg

(sorry for the link im too shy to send this ask as me, but i think its kinda funny)

ghosting | papa x gn!reader

I could not decide on a Papa either, so I kept it as neutral as possible and (I hope) you can all imagine the Papa of your choice :) and anon, you need not be shy, I am so grateful for your ask <3

summary: your papa thinks you're avoiding him but once he finally finds you, he realises that he got it all wrong.

content: 2.5k words, sick care, some suggestive remarks, fluff mostly

masterlist – Ao3 link

✦ ✧ ✦ 

Papa scoffs into his afternoon coffee, nearly spilling the hot liquid all over his papal robes. Still nothing. He’s staring at his phone, the screen cracked from when it slipped out of his pocket while he fucked you on his desk two days ago. And yet he can clearly make out the two blue hooks indicating that you’ve read his message from this morning.

What he also sees is that there is still no reply. Your silence, your absence, the uncertainty – it drives him mad. He is so used to having your undivided attention, seeing your name pop up on his screen with a frequency that keeps him from getting any work done as of late. Not your name, though, no. He saved you under “amore mio” a long time ago. Not that you’re aware of it just yet, but his feelings for you have long since surpassed mere lust and friendliness.

His mind constantly wanders to you. Knowing your schedule by heart, it is easy to imagine what you’re doing, what may have you so distracted. Right now, you should be helping in the gardens, sweaty and panting from the exertions in the warm afternoon sun. He knows how pretty you look like that, even more so when you’re sprawled out underneath him as he gets lost in the soft curves of your body. He yearns to lick the salty sweat off your heaving chest, to hear your whimpers as his lips leave not a single inch of your skin untouched.

Alas, he is stuck in his office, brooding over paperwork.

He’s trying hard to concentrate on the words in front of him, not to stare at his screen all day like a depraved, starving man. Impatient, he even set the phone to vibrate but despite knowing he’d get a notification if you texted him, he taps the screen every two minutes to check. Just to make sure he doesn’t miss it. 

Oh how he’s longing for even the most delicate touch, a simple kiss on his cheek as you tell him to take it easy today, your hand squeezing his across the table. You used to do that, visit him in his office at least two times a day. Not always innocent. Actually, very rarely innocent. He can almost hear the echo of you screaming his name for half the abbey to hear. And yet, you have not been anywhere near these four desecrated walls in almost two days. Not since the last time you were intimate with him.

Why won’t you reply? A flash of doubt and a pang of anger. Could you be getting tired of him? Did he come on too strong? If that were the case, you should tell him. He’s a busy man, you of all people know that, and yet here you are practically ghosting him, as the younger Siblings call it. By now it’s almost dinner time, you must have had a chance to at least type in a yes or no. Papa knows if he can’t see you tonight he is going to lose his mind. He needs the confirmation or he’ll be nervous and distracted for the rest of his day.

Generous as he is, Papa gives you another hour, finishing up the dreadful paperwork before he has a quick dinner of reheated pasta from the day prior. It tastes like nothing to him and the emptiness of his quarters only adds to his foul mood. His eyes are still trained on his phone, the battery still half full, unused with the lack of texting. The only time his screen lights up this evening it’s to remind him that his screen time has gone up by eighty percent over the past week. It seems like that’s an issue you’re solving for him right now.

Papa knows he cannot go another night without seeing you. He needs to confront you, ask if you really lost interest or if you just need more space. Whatever it is, having clarity will be easier to bear than silence.

Entering the dorms is always risky business. People gossip, someone is going to see where he’s knocking, and while everyone knows the two of you are… something, he’s not keen on everyone speculating about why you’re suddenly on cooldown.

But when he knocks, nothing happens. He repeats the motion, rapping his knuckles against the wood three times, louder now. Nothing. He hears music, some sort of electronic beats, the tunes wafting over from another dorm room. A party, surely. Yours however remains eerily quiet. In a last attempt to find out if you’re even home, he tries the door.

It is unlocked, so you must be home. For a moment he considers leaving again but then a painful thought hits him: If you’re home, not opening up… it means you’re avoiding him. Clearly. 

What crime did he commit to deserve your ignorance? His anger propels him to enter, despite knowing he’s invading your privacy. But he cannot go back to his quarters without confronting you, not when he’s already in such pain. He’s feeling the anticipatory grief over losing you and it’s all because he let his guard down way too fast, leaning into your kindness, your loving nature. He always had a feeling that this was too good to be true, that despite thinking this time would be different, he’d end up in pain. Everyone just wants the sex, the fun, not the commitment that being with a Papa, maybe even loving a Papa, meant.

Fiddling with the doorknob, he feels awful for even thinking these things. You never gave him reason to doubt you, but it is just so easy to slip back into his old insecurities. Certain that he’s just seeing ghosts, Papa pushes the door open silently.

Upon entering the small antechamber that leads to your bedroom, he hears you moaning. He hears the rustling of sheets, the mattress creaking. A loud fuck.

Papa stops dead in his tracks, nearly toppling over as a wave of nausea hits him. For a second, his worst fears and his deepest insecurities melt into one big gooey ball of panic. He wants to be sure that what you have is special, but you never openly decided to be exclusive, that you wouldn’t see other people. He’s been meaning to ask, to tell you how he feels… too late, it seems.

But no. He soldiers on. If anyone else dares to touch you, they will receive all of his demonic, unholy wrath. He has a whole company of ghouls who would love to get a taste of human flesh again, if need be. Papa opens the door to your bedroom, anxious but driven, ready to face whatever lies behind. And he does find you in bed like he expected, only… you’re alone.

You don’t even look up. Are you sleeping? The room is stuffy, curtains closed and all he hears is your whimpering.

“Hello?” he asks quietly, his heart hammering in his chest.

“P-papa?” 

Your voice is barely audible. His anger turns into concern as he hurries to your side, sitting down at the edge of the bed. Immediately you reach for his hand in an attempt to squeeze, but it seems like you’re too weak to clench your muscles.

“Kill me, Papa. Release me from this torment,” you whine. “Please.”

“Tesoro, what is going on?”

You groan in reply, a sound only made more horrifying by the soreness of your throat. You sound like a dying animal and if he’s honest, you kind of smell like one too. He wonders how long you’ve been in this position.

“I am dying,” you whisper.

“What happened? Are you injured?”

He’s scanning your body but most of it is covered. Before he can pull away the duvet, you try to squeeze his hand yet again, this time with more vigor.

“S-sick,” you choke out. “The flu.”

“The flu?”

Papa ignores the bad conscience that’s settling in his mind and gives into his worry. He jumps up, opening the curtains and the window to let in some fresh air. You hiss like you’ve been burned, despite the sun already setting. Disregarding your complaints, Papa finds a thermometer and pain killers on your bedside table.

“We need to check if you have a fever, tesorino, can you open your pretty mouth for me?”

You giggle at his words. “I’m too sick for that, Papa.”

“You clearly have a fever if you think I’m going to laugh about this right now,” he states, removing his gloves and throwing them aside. His scowl is not in earnest, he’s not annoyed, of course, but he needs you to know your health is paramount.

“You’re so dramatic,” you whisper but you let him slot the thermometer between your lips anyway.

“I am dramatic? Who’s been locked inside their room like they have the plague without replying to my texts?” 

Papa presses the backs of his hands to your hot cheeks, acting like a mom who doesn’t trust the thermometer. You’re burning up, worrying him even more. Your skin is ashen, hair tousled, and he can see you shaking slightly.

At his words, your brow furrows. “I texted back,” you say, words muffled by the device in your mouth.

“You did not, amore. I have been wondering what I did to upset you so,” Papa admits. “I thought you were avoiding me. Ghosting me, as they say.”

Your eyebrows shoot up and as soon as Papa pulls out the thermometer, forehead scrunching up as he reads the 38.9°C, you start babbling.

“I was not, Papa. I would never. I was so sad I could not see you.” You swallow, groaning as the pain in your scratchy throat hits you. “Can you check my phone? I dropped it.”

Papa finds it under your bed. He lets you unlock it and you’re right, you did reply, only you never hit sent. I am sick in bed, Papa. I miss you too, but I would not want you to catch the flu. ♥︎

“I would never avoid you on you purpose,” you whisper, looking at him through heavy-lidded eyes.

He bends down to kiss your feverish forehead, feeling the heat against his lips. “I know that now, amore, don’t worry about it. I’m sorry I ever thought such a thing.”

“Amore?” you ask, grinning through a thick layer of haze. “That’s new, Papa.”

He can practically feel his cheeks turning rosy under his paint. “You know I like you, gioia mia, that is not new.”

“But amore is not just liking, right? It’s–”

“You have a fever, dolce. I need you to take the ibuprofen. Where do you keep your glasses?”

You pout at his interruption and with one last look at your puckered lips, he jumps up, avoiding not only your question but also the intense urge to kiss you. You’re in no condition to have a deep conversation right now. He searches the cupboards in your tiny kitchenette until he finds a glass he can fill with water. By the looks of it, you have not eaten all day, it’s far too clean.

“I don’t know if I can swallow,” you whine upon his return.

“We both know you’re very good at swallowing, amore. Open up.”

You frown without any real intensity and it’s an adorable sight, even in your messy, unkempt state. “I thought we weren’t joking about this.”

“It is allowed when I do it,” Papa says, practically shoving the pill into your mouth. “Drink, amore. You need liquids.”

You manage to swallow and the water feels like honey but only for a moment before the pain returns and your throat protests wildly. Even so, your mind still clings to his words.

“Papa,” you whine, reaching for his hand as soon as he’s set down the glass.

His mismatched eyes flicker to yours, still worried. “Yes?”

“You never answered.”

“We should talk about this tomorrow, sì? When you feel better.” At your sad expression he gives your hand a comforting squeeze. “I will go find some soup for you now, some other medication.”

“But I don’t want you to leave.”

“I will come back, dolce, you don’t make that pretty head worry too much, eh?” 

You whimper dramatically. “But what if I am dead by then?”

Papa sighs but it’s followed by deep chuckle as he playfully rolls his eyes at you. “You win, amore, I will text one of the ghouls.”

As soon as the text is sent, Papa closes the window again and starts to undress. From your position on the bed you’re watching him like a hawk, pulling a fuzzy blanket over your mouth to hide your grin. He can’t help but find it endearing and suddenly he feels even worse for assuming the worst today. Once he’s in his briefs and undershirt, he crawls into bed behind you, pulling you close. You’re a little sweaty, not exactly smelling fresh, but he doesn’t mind. Feeling your warmth, having you tucked against him, it’s all he really needs. 

And as his heart does a flip, racing thanks to your proximity, he gently cups your cheek. “Do you think you can give me a kiss, amore?”

“But you’ll get sick,” you whisper, the protest dying as soon as he tilts your chin up.

His lips graze yours, softly pressing in more and more until you melt against him. Even your lips are warmer than usual and he keeps it chaste, breaking away to look into your eyes again.

“Papas don’t get sick, eh?” He gives a tender kiss to your forehead, gently running his fingers through your hair before they settle on your back. “Now, you wanted an answer.”

Your look is pleading and it’s like your shining eyes are trying to lure the words right out of him. He wonders how he ever worried you may not feel the same when it’s written all over your face. His nerves start showing then, fidgety fingers drawing tiny patterns on your back, and he can feel your hands pressing into his chest, gripping at the fabric of his shirt.

“I love you,” he finally says. “You are my amore, my love. Tieni il mio cuore in mano. Please, I want to ask you to be mine.”

“I love you, too.” A big grin spreads out on your face. You lean in to kiss him again, softly moving your lips against his, and you stay impossibly close as you whisper. “And I am yours, forever, if you are mine.”

Papa smiles against your mouth and for a moment he forgets that you’re sick and kisses you harder. When he breaks away, you’re breathless, coughing softly, but he can tell by the happy look on your face that it was worth it.

“I am yours, amore,” he says. “I am yours forever, if Satan allows me.”

You settle against his solid chest, warm cheek pressed to the skin just above the neckline of his shirt. After today, your Papa vows to take better care of you, to trust you fully and cast any doubts aside as soon as they arise. And so he wraps his arms around you even tighter, whispering soft praises  into your hair until you’re finally asleep again, the only sound in the room your soft and even breathing.

non vedo l’ora di baciarti – I can’t wait to kiss you

tieni il mio cuore in mano – you hold my heart in your hand

[toasterhasabucket]

Topic: MALEVOLENT PODCAST (PART 20)

TW : this whole thing is about !death and suicide! and very very much just me complaining and crying about the POEM TO HIS PARENTS

Starting off strong, Arthur's parents killed themselves when he was young. He wrote a poem about it, about his parents, about his grief and wanting it back, wanting comfort and boy, oh boy! I am SOBBING. I couldn't find a written copy of his poem so I just kept replaying it and writing it down in my notes app

This is the poem ( if I misspelled anything, don't tell me, just ignore it please)

"I don't recall how we met

as I was far too young

I knew you not as you are now

because to me you were the sun

and always present warmth and glow

a light that's always there

to wipe the teas from out my eyes

to brush my matted hair

and I would lie if not to say our relationship was pure.

I am young

a cause of grief of this I am quite sure

despite all this id be remiss to say there was no love

a calmness and a careful word

a nudge not a shove

there were nights I recall

I needed you the most

I'd crawl from bed and walk to you

and you would hold me close

between the love of both of you

to ail my sleeping strife

I never felt so safe

yet so cold

in all my life.

I too recall a time I was trying to impress

a goofy boy named Arthur dressed in his mother's best

was only dad who laughed with me

as mother you withdrew but

when he joined in dressing up

you cried in laughter too

and there was the time we all did find ourselves stuck in the rain

mother had her gown near soaked

and dad was much the same

and though we were miserable

mother found us a spot of dry

which we all ate a pretend meal

jelly and sea pie.

and now you're gone

and I can't explain the loss that lingers here

the size of a young boys parents

he wishes could be near

and there are nights

where he needs you

and he still crawls out of bed

and walks toward your bedroom door

before recalling you're dead.

and I want someone to tell that boy

to swallow all the hate

that nothing he could have said

would have changed his parents fate

and I want that someone to be you

as I write this

but alas

this pain will linger with me still

I pray this too shall pass."

Oh my God. That's emotional and so important to him I wonder if the people in the YouTube comments had anything to say about it?

NO THEY DIDN'T

One person said "glad we got to learn more about johns backstory" WHAT ABOUT HIS SOUL CRUSHING POEM

Sorry forgot some of your parents didn't kill themselves, my mistake, so so so sorry that you're crooked and evil and didn't sob your eyes out when he recited his poem. (I am completely normal and chill)

Another person said something like "Arthur, the boy who lived" and yk this could mean many things, maybe because he's survived many life threatening situations and actually escaped death, maybe it's because of the ending of the episode. OR it's because his parents are dead and if that's why

I am going to roll myself into a hole and throw UP.

There's nothing terribly wrong with the joke I'm just dramatic and a crybaby

I need to stop complaining so NOW I'm going to take in this poem like it should have been.

Let's point out my "highlights"

"because to me you were the sun" when you're young and have good parents you like them most the time, he was young when they died, he looked up to them still and saw them in such a bright and amazing way

"and now you're gone and I can't explain the loss that lingers here the size of a young boys parents he wishes could be near and there are nights where he needs you and he still crawls out of bed and walks toward your bedroom door before recalling you're dead"

This whole part has me in FUCKING SHAMBLES, IM SHAKING AND SOBBING, IM GOING TO BE THINKING ABOUT THIS ON MY DEATH BED.

"and I want someone to tell that boy to swallow all the hate. that nothing he could have said would have changed his parents fate"

God Arthur you just like to kick me right in the stomach don't you, this almost brought me to my knees I'm not even going, I almost went onto the floor. Put this into perspective, you're a kid who is around your parents ALL the time then one day they kill themselves, even as a kid survivors guilt is a thing, most the time survivors guilt is seen in like horror movies and shit but dude, when I found out my mom committed I thought smth like I wish I could have done something, it should have been me, even though I was ten I felt accountable for what happened because it feels like all the love you gave was never enough because in the end they left by choice. That will LINGER that will STAIN and it is forever, not matter how faint it seems at times it'll never really go away. So I know like first hand, a child who's parents killed themselves or even just have dead parents, all have thought at one time "why not me."

"nothing he could have said would have changed his parents fate"

I'll never get over this line, EVER.

Not only do I relate I FEEL this, this whole poem was like a slap in the face, hit after hit, I felt seen but in a way I didn't want to be. I felt like I was exposed and I don't think I've ever read anything that's made me feel so read to.

See this is the part where I explain that I am not complaining about people not caring about his poem and this very important part to him, it's more of me really complaining that I care and relate to much so it's overwhelming

I am not here to be like "you don't care about this like I do? Die" and if I sound like that I was joking or having a moment because I'm going off the rails with a crazy train (I love that song)

And obviously of course it's sad and everything but not everyone can relate and think about it from the way I do and I get that

Not everyone has experienced something like this and I'm glad!

But I guess since I related I was just so shocked and a little confused on why I didn't see anyone talk about it

Sure the poem isn't metaphorically fancy and is more blunt then most but it's gets the point across and I like that. I like that a lot

Anyways I'm going to draw Arthur angst, love you guys bye!

[undergoing-mitosis]

OKAY EVERYONE WHO TOLD ME TO JUST WAIT FOR THE START OF SEASON 2 YOU ARE SO FUCKING RIGHT OH MY GOD

THE DARK ERA ARC OF BSD GOES SO FUCKING HARD I AM GOING FERAL I FINALLY SEE WHY EVERYONE LOVES THIS SHOW SO MUCH

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

THIS IS THE ANGST I LIVE FOR

ARRRRRRRGHHFFVBCKXGKCKBKHDHDK I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT

you guys have managed to make me think about something other than death note for once are you proud guys are you proud

my thoughts so far below the cut 👇

so i have just finished episode 3 and AAAAAAAA

i have heard vague spoilers so i know of Oda's unfortunate fate but I AM NOT READY

WTF THEY FUCKIN BLEW UP THE KIDS IM SORRY???? LIKE I KNEW HE WAS GONNA BE DRIVEN TO BREAK HIS PACT BUT NOT LIKE THIS!!!! also the sound design of that entire section was *chef's kiss* like i was nearly crying i was not okay

and the metaphor of oda giving up on writing his book ughhhhh i love how they addressed the idea of becoming a murderer being irreversible and changing your entire life, in a world so filled with bloodshed that can easily fall through the cracks. my heart was absolutely breaking when he gave up on that dream. THEY FUCKIN DROVE MY BOY TO THIS POINT I CAN'T I WILL KILL THEM I WILL MURDER EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM FOR HURTING HIM okay im fine i promise

dazai's speech about how everything good gets wrenched away from him was fuckin heartbreaking. especially given that i know that things obv don't work out between him and chuuya. god someone needs to give my boy a hug he is too tragic

OH ALL OF THESE CHARACTERS ARE SO TRAUMATISED AND SO COMPLEX AND SO 3D AND I LITERALLY WANT TO SQUEEZE ALL OF THEM AND HUG THEM AND

oh yeah also i have not given up on my vision of mello in the bsd universe currently i am thinking of having all three of the successors as a power trio who decide to take on the world (i.e. yeah the port mafia) together cause they can. but im kinda stuck on what their abilities should be. anyways that was a sidetrack

BUT YES I LITERALLY CANNOT WAIT TO WATCH EPISODE 4 but alas sleep beckons. i will probably be back here screaming once i watch it haha

ARFJFVBGVCXHY HERE COMES THE BSD BRAINROT YIPPEE 🏃🏃🏃

if you got this far, thank you for reading my absolute brain splurge! have a cookie 🍪

[archivebottles]

if anyone was curious i do have deep cut designs where i completely take scissors to them and fuck them up but alas i got kinda stuck drawing them bc im rlly bad at doing static refs lol and i lost my work on shiver so i had to use a screenshot of her to save the design LOL but theyre here ->

i will probably make more changes to them but i unfortunately ran out of steam from getting covid a few weeks ago and now i gotta finish a gift for a friend for a gift exchange

[aro-aizawa]

doo whoop here's the seating plan for locked out!!! i rejigged it a fair bit, but it was really fun???? dealt w my biggest pet peeve being that they put the tallest guy in class in the front row though i did also put one of the shortest guys in the back but that's so that he could be w his buddy!!!!!

i have,,,, a lot of thoughts abt the layout of the class like some people who just have to have the same ppl they sit near?? like todoroki and yaoyorozu have to be next to each other, same with jirou and kaminari, while uraraka has to sit behind iida. ashido also has to sit somewhere near kaminari or it doesn't feel right. but other than that, i went wild. i wanted danny to eventually sit next to shinsou, but until then he has to endure sitting next to the grape,,, rip. also bakugou doesn't get to sit near izuku that's the rules. i really wanted to get danny into the 13th seat, but alas i couldn't without some serious reorganising so he's stuck w 12. not that seat numbers matter all that much but akwrnalkwrj i am,,, attached.

i originally had a dp canon pic of danny in his seat bc the rest of the kids have their canon pics but it felt weird as fuck. so i put in a pic of danny that im gonna upload on my art blog soon i'll update this w a link to it later.

i was considering redrawing all the kids' portraits for consistencies sake but then my pen broke so if i wanted this done in time for the next chapter i needed to make some compromises, but maybe that'll be a project to try when i get my art situation sorted.

[unicornsaures]

urrrhhhhhvggggg i try not to make vent posts a whole ton but alas, ya girl is not doing so hot

tw// sh😁

guys do not do what i did and like. purposely trigger yourself with your own sh from a year ago because oh my god in. its. i feel so absolutely fake my scars were so much worse last year and now theyre just gone and i thought i was fully recovered its bren a year and. and im still crying over it and i thought i was done crying over it. I thought i was done crying over literal scars and i was. i mean i thought i was exaggerating when i said the closrr i get to the date ill br one year clean its getting worse and. nope! no, no that checks out!!

Its all my fault i got triggered in the first placr too. I knew what i had in my eyes only wnd i knew that checking it would only make me spiral and here i am just. crying over it. its sending me back to last year where its i just its only oj my hod i csnt be doing this again i really csnt be doingthis again ive bren doing so well and then. and i dont want to i really dont but im still tjinking about it and im still telling myself i want to but i dont i never did i always wanted to say ive been 1 year clean but i dont think ill rver even be able to make it to that point if i keeo self sabotaging like this. i mean t barely even counts ive basically just replaced cvtting with eevry other unhealthy coping mechanism under the sun but i should be better than this i shouldnt rven be thinking sbout it i shouldnt even be thinking that i can go back i shoulfny be in this situation at all and if it werent for me i wouldnt even be in this situation in the first placr ebcause i dont know how to keep myself away from tjings that i really need to stay away from

i really shouldnt be caught ip on this but its. i was. i was thinking aboht whag would happen if i would look back on photots earlier and and i knew i wouldnt be okay with it i knew i would snap the moment i did and wow its almost like forced recov only made me feel guilty for it and ohmygod kill me now i should be better than this i should be better than thjs ive had crisis called so many times ive been threatened by my parents for this so many times im worrying eveyrone around me and im only getting worse and everyone has to wastch me spiral but they cant do anything because im jsut too fucking oblivious to my own issues but im just too scared to readh out to anyone because how am i gonna say that i triggered myself without sounding like i planend this i didnt i swear i didnt plan to break down over this i promise i didnt mean for it i didnt want to cry over it i dont want to think abiut it anf i dont want to go back ive been doing sowell i swear im just worrying rveryone i dont want everyone to start checking in on mr in the morning just to make sure im still alive i font want people to messagr me in the middle of the night to make sure im not dead im so sorry ik so sorry

im just as tired as i was last year the only difference is thst im not actively trying to kill myself over it even if i really. wiuld like to thats besides the point the point is im just as weak of a girl as i was last year but last year i could at least hanfle pain now i just fucking snap whenever someone raises their voice or whenever i get. acut i break down and whenever i get hurt it only reminds me of the past 4 years that ive spent doing nothing but putting myself through mental hell and im realizing tbat ill never get begger i cant get better ive bren trying and i just csnt

i cant do it ive tried ive been trying why am i not getting anywhere why am i still stuck on the thought of sh i shouldnt be thinking about it i shouldnt miss it i shouldnt be upset that my scars are faded i shouldnt still have the ideas and images swirling aorund in my head because theyre always there and ill always have these scars and ill always br fucked ip and i wont ever be able to fix it ive had so many people worry and theyre worrying and worrying and i just dont care im such a horrible person i

i shiuldvr stopped for my parents they had to skin check me dsily for almodt a year straight and here i am just fucking itching to go grab something, literally anything just to go back and in so stupid im so stupid i did this to myself and im still being a pussy about it i shouldnt be thinming abiut it i shouldnt be crying over it whats wrong withme

[butchboromir]

need a stream tonight otherwise im gonna be stuck here contemplating my loneliness. and see i would be distracting myself by playing SoD but i wanna play alliance on one specific server and alas. faction balance says sucks to suck. anyways what if i needed to get gay kissed but the universe said no get fucked

[arolesbianism]

Oh ya I never did actually share all the swaps in the dst roleswap au huh. Uhhhh list and basic ideas below the cut babey

Wigfrid (Wilson): basically just Wigfrid but if she never auditioned for Wigfrid and got into a few too many fights with different directors and then moved out into the middle of nowhere to pout. She and Wanda were also penpalls, and she is also autistic as hell

Wx-78 (Maxwell): after having debatably accidentally maybe murdering a fellow scientist they fled to britain to remake their identity (they still named themself Wx-78 lol) and while they were there they picked up a young easy to manipulate eager young "scientist" as their "assistant" and took him with them back to the us to attempt to rebuild their resources and continue their research. I made a whole other post abt them already so I won't go through it all here but long story short they got attached had a breakdown over getting attached and fucked over his life only to have it backfire on them spectacularly and they ended up on the nightmare throne rip

Wilson (Charlie): the previously mentioned young scientist, he was picked up by Wx as a teenager, and proceeded to idolise them for a while, but began to grow impatient and itched to make his own scientific discoveries. Soon after, he found the codex, and initially researched it in secret, but eventually got fond out and was forced to hand it over to Wx. The two would continue to research it together, but eventually Wx abruptly called off any further research into the constant and the two got into a big fight. Soon after this, Wx kicked out Wilson (who was in his early 20s at the time) and in an act of desperate rage Wilson attempted to break into the lab a few days later to steal the codex, leading to a bit of a wrestle between him and Wx which ended in them both getting dragged into the constant

Wanda (Wendy): our secondary protagonist, this is basically just a Wanda who never invented time travel lol. She is still alas not immune to the consequences of other Wandas who fiddled with time though, as soon before being dragged into the constant two separate versions of herself tried to travel to her world, both dying in the process. Now she is haunted by both a 17 year old version of herself and a god knows how many year old version of herself who are both yelling at her to invent time travel and are both refusing to elaborate on anything ever. She is very stressed all the time but hey at least both ghosts seem invested in keeping her alive

Abigail (Walter): less of a boy scout and more of a kid who eats random berries that have been laying in the dirt for a week. She didn't die in this au, but after she dragged Wendy out to some woods for a fun lil adventure, the two got separated, and after hours of searching, she ended up having to be dragged home as soon after Wendy was declared missing. Not fully understanding what was going on, Abby packed up some snacks and headed back out in secret to try to find her sister. She ended up getting super lost, and after a few nights, she finally broke down as she found a torn up remnants of one of Wendy's belongings, hungry and cold and just wanting to bring her sister home. Unfortunately for her, a certain figure would offer her a way to reunite with her sister (but hey, they weren't completely lying)

Wendy (Wx-78): its this point onwards that things start getting less detailed as we get into the "Im still working on it ok" zone. But long story short, Wendy died in the woods, a certain little boy did a fun lil dubiously scientific science to bring him back, yay. Unfortunately, he lost most of his memories, and ended up just wandering sitting around for a good while feeling empty and meaningless, leaving him to be very vulnerable to being manipulated by our favorite dipshit

Walter (Wanda): lil guy who has been stuck in a hell of a timeloop, to the point where he has long since lost the ability to remember the start of it. All he rly knows is that he has a weird curse going on, and that he has a watch he doesn't remember how he got that he has to use to stop it. Well more like prolong the inevitable. He's generally similar to canon Walter, but with a bit more of a not rly present vibe abt him. He has issues lol

Wes (Wigfrid): now here's where we start getting rly vague. My basic idea for Wes is that he's a famous actor who kind of ended up where he is by accident, and has basically spent the past few years constantly in character and never showing his face out of deep rooted anxiety. This habit continues strong into the constant, where he always strictly sticks to the character of whatever mask he's wearing. His different masks are based off of canon don't starve characters, but I'm not gonna go into my hypothetical kits for this au here lol

Willow (Wolfgang): having been forced into a sort of heel like role for most of her life, shes used to being treated like a villain and has learned to revel in the role. To the point where she very much started taking it too far lol. I imagine she still worked for Them to some extent, but in a much more. Openly violent way. I could go more into my ideas for her, but thatd just turn into kit talk so moving on

Wickerbottom (Woodie): she definitely has a colorful past, having amassed 3 werebeast curses and a decent amount of enemies, but I'll admit I uh. Don't have very detailed ideas for her backstory. I'm thinking she probably knew Wolfgang and Woodie, and that her werebeast forms are a werebat, a werecat and a wereghost, but thats abt it

Wurt (Wormwood): rly nothing too fancy here. She's a treeguard probably, she considers plants friends, she likes to learn, wow

Wormwood (Wurt): same sitch here, hes just a friendly merm

Webber (Wagstaff): the mystery boy himself, it's him! Im going to proceed to not elaborate as he's very important but I still need to develop him A Lot

Charlie (Webber): she cave spider

Winona (Warly): either an ex linecook or a survival chef or smth? Idk I feel like there's potential here but I still need to chose a concrete direction to take her

Maxwell (Wes): he's just William lmao

Woodie (Willow): local canadian haunted by fire. Idk man he's probably kinda depresses

Wolfgang (Wickerbottom): I'm gonna be real with y'all he's Wickerbottom cause that was the last thing I had left over. I imagine he probably got wrapped up in her drama back in the day and was left to maintain her library after she disappeared into the night at some point. After that library fire happened and similar sitch as canon except he is very much not happy abt absorbing so much cursed knowledge and is just shaking and crying anytime he has to apply said knowledge

Warly (Winona): Im gonna be real I have like nothing for him rn but Ill get to it I prommy

Wilba (Wortox): Wilba jumpscare! I'm gonna be real I just wanted an excuse to include her. I'm thinking she's Claus's kid and has gimmics based off of that, but otherwise no real thoughts abt her atm

And I thinkkkkk that's everyone? Idk it's 1 am if I missed someone Im sorry but also I need 2 sleep

[cheesewelsom]

Alas knowing how to speak Xhosa and Tālōcān ( searched it on wikipedia ) or whatever language those blue fish people have.

Riri : so you know fish people language?

Alas : Tālōcān? Yeah. My professor said I couldn't properly memorize two language at once, and picked Xhosa and Tālōcān. I won.

Riri :.. why didn't you tell me?

Alas : because i wanted us to be stuck here.. OBVIOUSLY I WAS HAVING A PANIC ATTACK HALF WAY THROUGH.

_________

Riri ends up in Wakanda because her professor said she couldn't make a Vibranium detector and she took it as challenge. ( And won. )

Alas ending up in Wakanda because her professor said she couldn't memorize two whole languages in 3 months, she also took it as a challenge. ( And won. )

They end up in Wakanda because they're wanted by blue fish people.

________

Shuri : Your privilege rescinded.

Riri : they're not yours to Rescind!

Shuri in Xhosa : your privileges have been revoked!

Riri standing there confused, then she turns to Alas for help.

Alas [ ASL's. ( american sign language ) the whole sentence]

Riri still not getting it.

Alas : your privileges have been Revoked!

Riri nods as she turns to Shuri : My self sacrificing privileges are not yours to Revoke!

_______

Eztli ' A Fish person that Alas has beef with. '

This conversation is in Tālōcān.

Eztli : it's a white flag, and you may as well start waving them right now-

Alas, An angry demigod who can summon silver weapons to her side at all times, is surrounded by fucking silver spears all pointing at Eztli.

Alas : THE ONLY THING I WILL BE WAVING IS YOUR DECAPITATED HEAD ON A STICK IN FRONT OF YOUR WEEPING MOTHER!

The fish people stop fighting snd just straight up look at the girl, wide eyed.

Chantico, Eztli's sister, blinking at this golden skin glowing Demigod with about 16 silver spears all pointing at her brother.

Chantico : good lord, you're never coming back from this one.

_______

Okoye cussing at some annoying dude In Xhosa because he was being Sexist and Racist in french. ( I headcanons kimoyo beads can translate languages )

The dude : translate?

Alas : you can suck my dick if you don't like my shit, cause im better than you in all your shit.

________

Riri, very happy knowing her girlfriend is still alive after a fight with a full on half god. Thinking about this : Im high as hell, i only took a half a pill! Im on some dumb shit

Shuri after the fight with Namor, sitting with Riri Lamenting : He got off too easily, I clawed one of his ankle wings out. if i knew i wasn't going to impale him with that spear, I should've atleast ripped out the other wings out.

Riri who loves her gf so much, but still scared of her, looks at her with shock. : By the way.. what she say?

[vermanaward]

6.4 thoughts: msq + panda

msq

felt a bit like wheel spinning tbh. a lot of back and forth building up to a whole lot of nothing reveals. 'capitalism saves the day part n: garlemald edition' was very zzz. we had this exact same plotline with the ala mhigan refugees subsisting on charity and this being bad for them because only capitalism can give your life meaning or something. brainworms, man. at least i didnt have to be polite to lolorito this time ig.

i did msq before panda only bc i was killing time before my static got their asses online and fourchy getting sulky because i'd left a nightmare in his basement made me smile.

dungeon is neat. music is nice, scenery is pretty, bosses are fast paced and have interesting mechs. gear i think is eden + deepshadow.

the 'zero ran into golbez and dude currently cosplaying golbez back in the day' reveal was obvious as soon as her first exposition came up (even if i didnt call current golbez being the blonde dude right away). personally i would have seeded that reveal earlier but that's me assuming people i write for would pay attention. i've been working for a while on the assumption that the flood of darkness was caused somehow by zodiark's shard being released (maybe that was iggy's bright idea for the rejoining, even; unleash the fragment of her god that was stuck in the shard, only for it to go extremely pete tong). i wish we'd spent more time in 13th!lamentorum. been able to explore a ruined watcher's hangout and find records of how shit went tits up here. voidsent lopporits. pls.

i did like zero's character growth though. figuring out what trust is. what a friend is. [zero voice] 'the wol is friend shaped' /sage nod

yshtola's assumption that the death of the partially rejoined zodiark would have dissipated the rest of his shards though felt like. why would you ever assume that. like when ardbert died that didnt kill the wol. ??? lady you are making no sense

as much as im glad we didnt get a full rehash of iv with golbez being mind controlled by zeromus etc it's still. kind boring that he's a souped up voidsent. golbez being teased with endcaller in the pll feels more like a bait/switch. i still want zodiark (savage) (or dog forbid zodiark (ultimate)) but unless 6.5 seriously pulls the rug out im not expecting much.

normal trial is a lot of fun. took me i think 4 or 5 pulls at like 1am? which you dont often see a normal trial which takes multiple pulls. most people were first time ofc but. the ex should be fun. much improved over rubicante but. low bar etc. music is pretty pog, its more a fantasia on ff4 themes than Yet Another Four Fiends Rearrangement. weapons are all pretty nice too.

panda tier 3

athena came in swinging a steel chair and i love herfor it. mad scientist mothwoman wife. didnt call hermione simping for her but honestly same. i enjoyed that eric told her to fuck all the way off.

athena: you're useless. >'( eric: yeah, and who literally just admitted to deliberately making me that way!!! >(

love that man. deserves much better parents than he got stuck with.

bananabread being bananabread is simultaneously the most boring and narratively satisfying option. to begin with i was like 'im not 100% you're that scenery chewing nutjob i know and meme on' but then he re-embraced his id and im just. okay nm yeah you're him, 100%

part of me is disappionted we never got to Say The Line to lid and part of me is kind a relieved they didnt go there.

the heart of sabik kinda came out of fucking nowhere, did nothing, and then fucked off. confirmed for a shard of the high seraph, i guess. when the scientist guy was holding it at my wol at the end all i could think is that it would be taking every ounce of her self control not to snatch it out of his hand and run off giggling like a gremlin. gib ultima plx.

(something something if athena/bananabread/eric/lid are them but made from memories stamped onto a soul, then... not to be a fraywol shipper on main, but....)

fights were fun. arenas are all gorgeous. p9's music is... weird but either it will grow on me or i'll just listen to something else. p10 and p12 do some cool things with the arenas. p11 manages to avoid being Seat Of Sacrifice... 2! but ig we'll see how savage shakes out. p12 i'm hype for phase 2 just bc Ultima's Perfection (Endwalker).

gear i am aggressively meh about most of the armour but the weapons are all v nice.

[wulvert]

OK SO. HERES A BRIEF (HI. FUTURE ME. NOT BRIEF. VERY LONG. SORRY.) SUMMARY OF THE LOCKED TOMB SERIES AVOIDING AS MUCH SPOILERS AS POSSIBLE.

the locked tomb's setting is extremely fucked up space sci-fi with lesbian necromancers (the quote on the front of gideon the ninth, the first book, is quite literally "lesbian necromancers in space!")- tamsyn muir, the author, was inspired by homestuck when she was writing it. so. if that explains it better.

i cnat explain the magic necromancer system without feeling like im having a stroke sorry. but the way it works is you basically have to be born with the ability to see and manipulate thalergy (life energy) and thanergy (death energy). necromancy on all the planets is basically like a monarchy- if youre a necromancer, you're royalty. all necromancers have a cavalier- which is basically a brawn to the necromancer's brains. they all have swords or other sharp blades. also have a much more sinister purpose but thats a secret.

the orange girl is gideon nav, nicknamed griddle by the smaller one (harrowhark nonagesimus). gideon's a butch himbo who also happens to be the saddest girl in the entire universe by book 3. she wields a giant fuckin' haunted greatsword and absolutely hates harrow(hark nonagesimus)'s guts. also shes stuck on an amish, dying planet (the ninth house, might be pluto) and has been raised to be a soldier. oops. her adoptive mom is awesome though. has no idea whats going on at any point in time. harrow's cavalier.

HARROW. THE WETTEST MOST PATHETIC RAT OF A GIRL. into bones and corpses. necromancer of the ninth house. cant eat any food that isnt bland ration bars because of the autism shes filled with. mean fucking gremlin. bit my ass. also shes intrinsically so fucking tragic but i cant go into any more detail of her without spoiling something. she makes me feel so many emotions along with gideon.

brief summary of the rest of the cast that appears in the first book:

FIRST HOUSE (earth?):

there exists no notable residents of the first house. it is the earth post apocalypse- broken down and uninhabitable. except for the location the first book takes place in, the canaan house!

SECOND HOUSE (mars?):

judith deuteros - necromancer. army kid. because the entire second house is a military (called the cohort). honestly i dont remember a lot about her- only that she's kinda gay with coronabeth later.

marta dyas - cavalier. army kid. i remember even less about her sorry

THIRD HOUSE (neptune?):

ianthe tridentarius - necromancer. nasty fucking beast. cannibal just for fun. third house princess. complete fucking disaster. somethings going on with her gender. believes shes the main character of a risqué novel. shes my favorite but i cant elaborate further at risk of spoilers

coronabeth tridentarius - necromancer. ianthe's sister. sword lesbian. third house princess. a disaster but less so than ianthe. yea thats it sorry its so hard to summarize without spoilers

naberius tern - coronabeth and ianthe's cavalier. third house. male, meatstick, gender gets stolen

FOURTH HOUSE (saturn?):

isaac tettares - necromancer. he's just a kid and life is a nightmare

jeannemary chatur - cavalier. she's just a kid and life is a nightmare

FIFTH HOUSE (jupiter?):

abigail pent - necromancer. historian. academic. in terms of characters that are. "normal" she and magnus are the closest you can really get. i respect her so much but alas i cannot give the reasons. acts kinda as a mother figure to the fourth and even the ninth house (gideon and harrow are both 18 at the least- but neither of them have ever quite had mother OR father figures.)

magnus quinn - cavalier. abigail's husband. i dont remember anything about him honestly, but he's the epitome of a dad and behaves that way towards the fourth and even ninth house. dad jokes

SIXTH HOUSE (mercury?):

palamedes sextus - necromancer. if the entirety of the main tlt cast wasnt full of deranged lesbians he'd do numbers as a tumblr sexyman. librarian. nicknamed sex pal by gideon. reads a lot. also a doctor.

camilla hect - cavalier. sick as hell. dualwields. librarian. doctor. i cant give a lot of information about her but shes also one of my favorites

SEVENTH HOUSE (venus?):

dulcinea septimus - necromancer. cougar? milf? who knows. has terminal blood-born cancer but she's being so sexy about it. dont worry about the boss music you hear.

protesilaus ebdoma - cavalier. rly a kind guy- likes poetry nd flowers. just wants to protect.

EIGHTH HOUSE (uranus?):

silas octakiseron - necromancer. extremely religious. i dont remember anything about him honestly besides the fact i hate him.

colum asht - cavalier. probabl also religious. i dont remember anything about him either. i respect him more than i do silas.

NINTH HOUSE (pluto?):

harrowhark nonagesimus & gideon nav: u know about these guys

the most important thing to know about the locked tomb past my very long rambling is that its a story about love. it has been and always will be about love since the very first book. it is the core component of the entire series- in what way love changes, in the way it persists, in what people will do for it. the different types of love. this does not just refer to gideon and harrow being massive lesbians, but yea thats pretty important too.

also a fair warning if u DO chooseto read; the entire of the locked tomb series is an absolute mindfuck. absolutely nothing will make sense at first and sometimes reading more will make it even more confusing. when it all finally clicks at the end though u'll never be the same ever again. it WILL leave a lasting scar on ur psyche

(homestuck spoilers. i guess)

i see u gave up on the replies fair enough this is more than 450 characters

i bought the first book before hopping in the shower, It'll arrive tuesday. i have returned 2 this ask- A LOT OF NAMES, so anything i could absorb as a spoiler has left my mind immediately- HOMESTUCK. Interesting, I didn't know that, i hope i can absorb the lore better than i did for homestuck which wasnt at all , then i got a headache from the text colours then lost my place after the cat girl died.

I will read it, I hope the orange girl and the smaller one are okay after reading this im worried about them. how did naberius' gender get stolen what happened to them who stole it. fiddlemouth just commented abt the audiobook. probably shouldve gone for that. also fiddlemouth if ur reading this we need to play minecraft again sometime

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

no tws as far as i know? maybe ‘shitty mental health services’ or something lol

so i live in ireland, right? and in ireland, the mental health services (especially the fucking CAMHS) are just. so fucking bad. like its almost comedic were it not so fucking upsetting and stressful

i am autistic (i have a diagnosed sensory processing disorder and ocd). i only got diagnosed with autism in the last 3-4 years (i am currently in my late teens). however, i fit most of (and all, for the npd) criteria for cptsd, npd, arfid, adhd, atypical depression and some sort of dissociative disorder. i am the host of a (now fused) system. but everything is chalked up to Just The Autism.

now i, again, having *undiagnosed npd* (+ everyting else) am not a particularly big fan of this. with the npd, i fit ALL of the criteria. but i am also terrible at explaining myself and my perception of myself and what/who i am change so i can never accurately describe myself. the only way id easily, *clearly* be able to convey any of this to my therapist would be to somehow give her access to my psyche like. directly. have her experience everything i do personally. but alas. that is not possible.

im mainly just here to complain because this is exhausting. ive been on a waiting list for OT for 3+ years and we FINALLY got some sort of response from them this year so hopefully ill get that and be able to get some sorta diagnosis somewhere (i doubt it but yk. gotta hope)

i am just. so tired

Hi anon,

It sounds like not only are you in a place with poor mental health services, but you also struggle with multiple severe mental illnesses that require a seasoned professional to address. On top of this, it sounds like you have difficulty expressing how you experience yourself, which could further complicate seeking proper mental health care. It's definitely a frustrating situation to be stuck in so please know that your exhaustion is understandable. Your experience highlights a sociological and systemic issue in our culture.

I wish you the best of luck in seeking diagnoses. If anyone has any comments or suggestions, please feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[resharc]

who the heck is "resharc"

I got tagged so i guess now im "it".

Who were you named after?

My real name shall remain a secret. the meaning of my name is unfortunate and i dont need omegaverse weirdos in my life

The name "Resharc" is something I made up years ago and used as a username. I just kinda stuck with it, it doesn't mean anything.

the blog name "pwdev" comes from the brief time I was making a Phoenix Wright-inspired game. I never actually posted anything here so it's kinda funny that i still have the blog name

I think "resharc.tumblr.com" is taken. I think.

i might swap it after writing this if i can, so that's immediately becoming out of date

When was the last time you cried?

Damn that's a bit personal

Do you have kids?

Kids? In this economy?

What sports do you play/did you play?

I've played a lot, surprisingly. Baseball, football (soccer for you uncouth heathens), rugby, wall climbing, golf, tennis...

I never stuck with them for very long. The longest I've consistently played a sport is about 3 years, and that's because I was basically forced to.

Do you use Sarcasm?

I don't know, do you?

First thing you notice about people?

I haven't really thought about this.

I am secretly the vainest person alive, so I suppose one's appearance.

Do you have any talents?

I'm not really sure.

I'm okay at programming I guess. Some people like my art. I'm able to quickly read books.

Scary Movies or Happy Endings?

I am taking the forbidden "third" way, and saying "both".

Why yes, I am a centrist, how could you tell?

In all seriousness, I tend to prefer scary movies (provided it's more psychological and vibes). House of Leaves is my favourite book for a reason.

Where were you born?

A small island in the corner of the world that doesn't show up on many maps.

What are your hobbies?

In no particular order:

Video games

Reading

Cooking

Game development

Getting really into game design for some reason this shit's like a curse get it OFF of me

wow thats not a lot is it?

Do you have any pets?

My cat, Midnight, the love of my life. my muse. my shining light.

if you want more pictures of her, I'll start posting them daily or something. This can totally become a "resh's cat pic blog" instead of anything related to video games.

How tall are you?

The exact height where people lie about being an inch taller.

What was you favourite subject in school?

Computer Science, because I'm the biggest fucking nerd apparently

Dream job?

I'd love to properly make games and be paid an actual livable wage. Alas, I will continue to Rise and Grind in my current job until I have something I'm happy with showing the world.

I don't really have anyone to pass this to, so this is a dead end. sorry