#but I've had chest pains
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i may still be recovering, but i needed to get sad dilf McNulty out of my system like a miasma
#matthew mcnulty#the rising#tom rees#portrait#traditional#charcoal#art#my art#drew this whilst having the worst possible case of chest infection i've ever had#coughing had me doubling over in pain for the past 5 days#i'm so tired of being sick#i just needed to draw something or else i would have gone mad
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Health vent in the tags 🙃
#So I had what - two weeks of feeling okay?#and now we're back with the chest pain and the stomach pain and the racing heart and the constant nausea?#glad I have a specialist appointment next week#that I have to drive to for an hour#but jesus christ if they don't help me idk what I'm supposed to do#i was working (or not working) through constant pain and discomfort for six months and I can't go back there#i feel like shit despite pacing well and sleeping enough and eating enough#Those two weeks weren't fully free of symptoms#but wow even just less pain and more food options were wonderful#I can't do this anymore#Anyway#back to work I guess#wish me luck that it at least doesn't get worse until next week#because I can't keep taking sick days#I've already been out for five weeks
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y'know when you watch a piece of media and your literary interpretation skills aren't quite up to par to fully understand everything but it still hits SO FUCKING HARD that you lowkey feel like you just chugged an energy drink?
#i saw the tv glow#i get the idea. but also i feel like i need to rewatch at least two more times to fully understand#holy hell that ending#justice smith that performance was fucking insane#also tbc the energy drink analogy is supposed to be a strong pain in your chest#<- i've only had one energy drink and don't drink coffee so my caffeine tolerance is very low
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can keith emerson stop messing with my voodoo doll please
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taking every ounce of willpower left not to say fuck it and have cake n weed at 7am lol
#it's still 'night' for me I had nasty insomnia#after waking up with chest pain in the middle of the night from binding#had to order a bra for the first time in over a decade so by the time I was done with that I couldn't sleep anymore#so I've been up for hours#got less than 5 hours of sleep for my upcoming 9 hour shift#and yeah I really just want cake and weed rn cause everything feels awful and/but today's gonna be rough as fuck as is#full time shifts are fucking me up so bad but I'm kind of desperate rn and don't have much choice#it's so hard to find the capacity for any level of self care let alone the restraint not to make things worse for myself#it's been a shit year and I just want a damn marshmallow
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Magenta 😟
#I've had cognitive impairment from covid before but not to where i feel intellectually dumb when i write#my college papers and my writing projects dont sound like “me” as of late#its very bare bones and doesn't have the descriptiveness or humanity i normally give#like i see the scenes or what i want to say in my head#but what i type aint matching up#and yeah i naturally get into slumps like that but this is like that slump x 9000#I'm kinda scared this round might've given me brain damage#havent been feeling all the way like myself#but i also know too that covid takes a while to heal from and of course theres long covid shit which ive dealt with before#im just frustrated guys#i feel like within the last 3 to 4 months i finally healed from my last bout of rona#and i get it again and im back to square one#i just want to write and feel okay with it and not feel so stuck just trying to come up with a basic sentence#seriously even writing basic shit is hard right now#it took me a week to get 5 pages on duality#and im used to churning out at least 10 pages on my projects at minimum every couple days to a week#man give me chronic pain anyday but don't take away my mind and the freedom that comes with that#sorry guys im feeling sad#i know i gotta give myself time but im impatient#i hate how right before i caught covid again i was gonna get my flu shot and an updated covid vax#wish i could've avoided this crud#having weird chest shit too#was a heart thing now its gerd now its potentially back to a heart thing#im tired#i need a hug#i love you 🫂💙#magenta is my vent word
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not to be tmi but do you ever just LOSE YOUR FUCKING MIND ON YOUR PERIOD
#im being dramatic but like fucking. hell. i am just.#its kicking my ass i am so fucking tired#bc there wasnt SHIT last month and this month its like right about that how about a week early and just the worst. just the worst.#i slept so long last night but kept waking up in pain#not blackout pain at least but just constant pain#and was too stubborn to get up and take anything for it#and all day i have just had zero fucking energy#been trying not to pass out since like 11:30 bc i don't want to feel like i'm just#working and sleeping for a week straight of shifts#but i'm not actually. doing anything. because i'm too fucking tired.#and yet my brain is somehow also in 12 different directions#i've also been faintly woozy tonight which i also blame on that#and probably that i think ive forgotten to take my thyroid shit for like four days IN A ROW#so i took one now even though i took other stuff and was drinking something just in case#to get some in my bloodstream#but now i'm like oh god i hope i didnt take it earlier for once and forget#bc fuck knows my heart will explode out of my chest all night if i did#LOOK HOW MANY TAGS THIS POST HAS WHY AM I STILL TALKING DO YOU SEE THE ISSUE#i need bravier to hit me with a rubber mallet#i need PD to strap me to the imaginary curl up in between them couch#both of these things
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I will be forever grateful i can be on this new med. it's one a lot of folks also need and can struggle to have access to! It's important i be on it, especially if i start doing any vid collabs
(some of which, really, all of which, i unfortunately actually need to cancel that were in the preplanning stages, bc the election results have me wanting to wait and see how the general atmosphere of the country is before i agree to meet up with anyone. I feel bad for cancelling, but also i just can't know for sure how safe things are/might be going forward and I'd rather avoid the potential of. ya know. various not great things that could happen at a meet up, tho i would certainly hope they wouldn't. i don't feel like actually addressing them rn, u guys know what i mean)
That said, if the truvada initial side effects could fuck off asap would be so lovely. three weeks at worst, then they should be gone/much better or so i am told. really hope that's true bc losing my mornings to being dizzy and nauseous is Not Working for me lmao. im on week two, and now understand why my new doc said to call if i needed any 'cheerleading' and support to get thru the side effects, bc apparently she's done that for several ppl to make sure they actually make it thru the three weeks and keep on it (lovely of her!!)
#text post#not going to get into the other painful smack of this morning#suffice to say that medicaid does not in fact fully cover vocal therapy/training for trans ppl#even if ur docs feel incredibly certain it is#if i was making a decent bit over minimum wage at consistent hours and already had my current debts paid off mostly#then I'd happily consider paying the chunk Medicaid won't cover but as of now#it would literally be basically two paychecks if not three to cover the estimate for this first visit#and that's only if the poll would have us polling every week like we did before the election#otherwise we're guesstimating it would be upwards of 4 paychecks to cover it#I'm actually gonna get into in here bc nobody reads all my tag essays (fair valid and correct)#im really sad abt this. my voice gets me clocked a lot and while i can mostly handle like. visually being clocked#my voice giving me away genuinely makes me feel a pain in my chest. i can't get my customer service voice to go lower yet#and even if it's my usual voice I've made minimal progress on my own self done vocal study stuff#so like. no one knows how high it was compared to how it is now tho so no one actually hears it as anything near deep#which it isn't but like. there's been a slightly barely there drop of it per at least a couple ppl in my life#i was probably going to be able to learn how to sing again and find my new range. I'd fix my customer service voice#even if it would only ever be a teeny bit lower than how it is now. it would be lovely#im not gonna get too down tho bc someday hopefully I'll be able to make it happen/afford it#and for now...im doing the bad thing of not cancelling the appt yet#i will bc they're booking out for months and it isn't right of me to take a spot i know i can't keep#but. let me pretend i can for another day or two. maybe until monday. then I'll call or msg them on mychart#and let them know i just don't have the funds rn tho i do deeply appreciate that Medicaid at least pays part of it#im just not at a point where i can cover the rest but that I'll reschedule/have a new referral sent whenever that changes#...and hopefully things in this country will be of such a state that such care is still available to ppl like me.#but that's all we're saying on that bc im already having a pathetic little cry over this#(im fine the med side effects have me crying over everything lol i see a sad commercial and Instant Tears like someone died lmaooo)
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i know ive been complaining so much but can i catch one break like just one break im begging im pleading
#c shut up#my throat is still shot today super achey and talking is difficult#im having some aches in my incisions#also!! ever since i got out of surgery i've had a tapping/popping noise in my chest and its not followed by any pain in my chest but it#could mean anything from just gas trapped there from surgery to a partially collapsed lung#and i know googling things is not always the best but i needed to know what this popping noise was#because it just didnt feel right#it only happens when i switch from like laying down to sitting up or sitting up to standing#idk but my mom is taking me to the drs for my throat today bc shes worried it would impact my surgery recovery#im just really sad :(#and oh even better the house inspection didnt go well meaning its basically 5050 on if we even get this house#that we've put the past 2 months and some money into#and as im typing this our mortgage lender whos turned into an asshole is down our throats like when u closing when u closing#im in agony#can something go right can one thing go right#im so tired
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getting diagnosed and medicated took away the depression but made me sad and angry instead
#pots#like my ex boyfriend broke up with me because of the symptoms#got mad when i said that to him even though he listed the stuff he broke up with me over and they were symptoms#and he was like ''well how was i supposed to know it was affecting you that bad?''#because i FUCKING TOLD YOU#i cried because of how shitty i felt in front of him and fell asleep at his house and in the car with him because of fatigue#i told him about the chest pain and nausea and my heart rate reaching 160 (he was there when i got that call from the cardiologist)#he fucking KNEW he just is upset that i'm saying it#and i'm mad that i've been called lazy for years and had jokes made about my hands'/legs' bloodflow#and felt like i was fucking stupid for years#and in half a fucking hour of my first dose i didn't want to die anymore. i could fucking think#and say an entire sentence (several!) without forgetting a word#i could stand up and not be so tired i immediately had to sit again#and life is just fucking like this!
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I keep having fucking panic attacks and I don't know what they're stemming from...
#personal#I am aware you don't need a reason to have a panic attack but in my case?#I only really have them when I'm under extreme stress.#I've had several this week but today I had one while at work and basically had to work through it.#My symptoms aren't as bad as they used to be but I am having chest pains/dizziness/faintness and it's scaring me almost.#Also mixed with the one (1) coffee I allowed myself to have today for this week? Yeah it was a BAD combination (anxiety and caffeine)...#I'll say 'I'm managing my anxiety!' and then A Situation happens and I'm like 'Oh that's right. I DO have crippling anxiety.'#I'm also unmedicated until I find a primary care doctor so that certainly does not help...
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the lefford sisters, their lannister cousin and their friend running through the halls of golden tooth as children
( + @calla-lefford, @cerissalefford, @gcuienveres )
Russkiy kovcheg (Aleksandr Sokurov, 2002)
#( lefford siblings ― if i don't make it back from where i've gone / just know i loved you all along. )#( calla lefford ― i will not make the same mistakes that you did / i will not let myself cause my heart so much misery. )#( cerissa lefford ― maybe we never talked about what we keep to ourselves / the knot in our chests and the pain in our lives. )#( guinevere lannister ― sitting on the bed with the halo on your head / was it all a disguise? )#the way i had to specify a friend bc it's the only way to explain the dark-haired girl lmao
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#damien.txt#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#deep breath#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#guys i cant do this anymore oh my goddddddddddd the nausea the butterflies!! it's getting to me!!#it's 2 am and i cannot stopping thinking! abt them! going to start! screaming!#i forgoooooot i forgot yearning was physically painful#this went away for soooo long and then this week has genuinely slammed so hard into my chest#that i am breathing it constantly. that there has been essentially no other thought#clawing at the bars of my enclosure. fr.#when will i be normal again omggggg#but also at the same time i missed this. it's a familiar feeling & it feels good to feel something so strongly#bc i don't think i've had that many strong feelings recently that aren't like. depression lol
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