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sofreddie · 10 hours ago

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More Than A Fan

Summary: The honeymoon phase has been bliss. When Y/N is exposed first-hand to their life, Dean worries that it will all change.

Characters: Dean Winchester/F!Reader, Sam Winchester/Eileen Leahy, Castiel, Others

Warnings: First Person POV/POV Alternating, Fluff, Angst, TW: Blood, TW: Trauma/PTSD, TW: Violence, Cockwarming, Oral Sex (Male Receiving)

WC: 12,264

A/N: Sequel to Not Our First Fan. My brain kept going on this one, and I'm really happy with how it came out. Feedback is appreciated. : )

My Masterlist

Not Our First Fan

Sam POV

I had been away for nearly a week, but the hunt with Garth only took two days. I wasn’t rushing back, knowing my brother too well, and I wasn’t looking forward to hearing him and Y/N throughout the Bunker. Maybe they’d chill when I returned if I gave them some time.

And I felt I more than owed it to both of them. I had been a thorn in their sides and an ass, I know. I had my reasons, but I was wrong. I was willing to accept that - now at peace knowing Y/N wasn’t a threat - and instead focused on backing Dean up and supporting their relationship.

As I entered the Bunker, it was quiet. After putting my bags in my room, I could hear voices, and I followed the sounds until I entered the kitchen. Y/N and Dean were cooking and chatting with wide grins on both their faces. The scene was so domestic that my heart clenched. They seemed happy, and I was left even more aware of how utterly alone I felt.

“Hey, Sam,” Dean greeted me as I entered the kitchen. I faced him from the other side of the counter, Y/N’s back to me as she worked at the stove. “How was the hunt?”

“Milk run,” I responded, knowing he’d expect more after I'd been gone so long. “I spent some time with Garth, Bess, and the kids, and then I took my time driving back.”

I shrugged and smirked as my eyes slid to Y/N and then Dean. He grinned and nodded. I hadn’t seen him this happy and excited in ages. He seemed sober, too. I was glad he was happy and relaxed.

“Food’s ready,” Y/N announced, moving several dishes to the counter. “Dig in.”

“You eating with us?” I couldn’t help but ask, afraid she might hide from me now that I was back.

“Yeah,” she scoffed, making a plate and sitting at the table. “I’m famished.”

Dean laughed and flashed a smug grin before joining Y/N with his plate. I sat last, my plate full of heaps of food.

“Didn’t you eat all week?” Y/N teased, and my last bit of tension faded as I laughed and nodded.

“Yeah. But I’m spoiled with your food now.”

Dean hummed in agreement, and we dug in like our last meal. God, her food alone had me itching to get back. I felt more nourished and satisfied in just a few bites than I had all week.

“So, any plans for today?”

“Yeah.”

“Really?” Y/N’s surprise had me pausing and glancing between them.

“Yeah, I was going to tell you over breakfast. I thought we could go shopping. You’ve been talking about getting stuff for the kitchen and bathroom. Now that Sam’s here, we can all go.”

“Really? Awesome.” She pecked his lips and blushed as she glanced at me before hurrying to eat.

“That sounds fun.”

I wasn’t sure if it would be, but I supposed we all needed to dive into life together. It would be nice to make things more homey, and anything to help her cook the excellent food she gifted us would be great.

Dean POV

I wanted to surprise Y/N with a trip to get things for the Bunker. I knew she wanted to, and we had our ‘free forever’ card. Plus, I was hungry for more of the everyday domesticity she granted me.

I hadn’t expected Sam to stay gone so long, but I was grateful he gave us time to ourselves. I was even excited for Sam to come along on our shopping excursion. Maybe he’d finally decide to do something with his room. Things were awkward when he left, but Y/N and I worked through that. But the real test came with his return. I hoped we could be a family—the three of us—at least until Sam found a girlfriend.

The ride to the store was short but pleasant. Music was playing in the background, and the windows were down. Sam was in good spirits as he talked about some nerdy thing he had checked out. Y/N was in the backseat with a soft smile as she listened to Sam’s tales.

I’d yet to have her in Baby, and seeing her in the backseat gave me all sorts of ideas. I would’ve pulled over if Sam wasn’t there, but I also knew I was struggling to keep my hands off her, and she likely needed a break after the last week.

We’d been fucking, eating, and sleeping all week long, having deep or silly conversations along the way. I found I enjoyed her company and companionship as much as I enjoyed kissing and fucking her. It wasn’t the most acrobatic or wild, but it was by far the most passionate and intimate sex of my life.

I parked at the store and quickly got out, rushing to the back to open the door for Y/N and help her out. I pinned her against the door and kissed her soundly. She giggled, and I wrapped an arm around her waist as we walked to the store. Sam walked on her other side, sandwiching her between us. I smiled at him, and he nodded in return.

Y/N POV

I had been having the best week of my life with the man I loved—a man I admired, that I looked up to, and was a hero in my eyes. He didn’t reject me or make me leave when he learned of my love. He gave me a chance, and I ran with it.

My anxiety was climbing with each passing day. I knew Sam would return, and I worried about what would happen. Would he disapprove? Would Dean return to usual and chalk it up to a fling? I hoped not and tried to stay positive. I had been on cloud nine and was sure it wouldn’t last.

When Sam returned, I was tense, but it was alleviated over breakfast. Things felt almost normal again, except for the unexpected family trip. But as we drove Baby to the store, I enjoyed the brothers being themselves and tried to think of what I needed for the kitchen and bathroom. Maybe I could even snag a few things for my bedroom—not that I’d spent much time there this past week.

Dean pulled me out of the car and kissed me deeply as we approached the store. I was worried about Sam and that we were in public, but Dean didn’t. He wanted to kiss me, so he did. That made me swoon harder than anything else.

Sam POV

I was distracted by discreetly watching Dean and Y/N. I stayed close to whatever side of her Dean wasn’t holding. It was an unspoken understanding: to protect our own. I was so happy for them but still lonely for what they had.

Luckily, I was further distracted when we entered the kitchen section, feeling overwhelmed. But Y/N lit up like a kid on Christmas, and I couldn’t help but laugh. Dean was encouraging her as she hesitated over items.

“Y/N,” I smiled at her. “Get whatever you want. Hell, get all the things.”

I wanted to help, too, to connect with her like a friend and a sister. And if it meant more food…

“See?” Dean pecked her lips.

Then she was off, mostly talking to herself as she threw items into the cart. I snuck away to get another cart as we went to the bathroom section. Seeing what she was getting and why excited me. She was going to make the Bunker a home.

She wasn’t anything like Becky or any of the women Dean had been with. I liked her more than Lisa, even, which was saying something.

Dean POV

Seeing Y/N give in and shop freely made me happy and satisfied that I could do this for her, even if it was a scam card. But I had an ulterior motive when I planned this trip. I hoped to get her to pick out bedding for ‘our’ bed. I wanted her to move into my room. But with Sam here, I was extra nervous. I knew whatever I did—smooth or not—that he’d tease me.

“Hey, Sam?” I paused in the aisle. “Would you grab another cart?”

“Sure.”

I was glad he didn’t pry, but I took the chance to guide her to the bedding area. I knew Sam would be back soon.

“Y/N?” I stopped and turned to her. She smiled sweetly, and I swallowed my nerves. “I was thinking, you know, that maybe we could pick out some stuff for my bed and room, and you could move in there? With me?”

Man, I was nervous as fuck, rubbing the back of my neck and shuffling my feet as I stuttered over my words. It wasn’t like I was asking her to marry me, but it was a big step and another way to show her how I felt.

“I would love to if you’re sure?”

“Yeah, I’m definitely sure,” I took her in my arms and kissed her, making her giggle. “Don’t wanna sleep without you.”

“Sap,” she teased, and I laughed as Sam returned with another cart.

“I guess I could get some stuff for my room,” Sam shrugged as he studied different items.

Y/N and I reviewed it, picking out different things for our room. It felt like a total chick-flick day, but I was high on it. I couldn’t wait to get her home, make up the bed with the soft and fluffy bedding, and then make love to her all night.

My hopes were dashed as we squeezed everything in Baby, though there was barely enough room in the back for Y/N, and the trunk barely closed. Intent on heading home to see through my plan, Sam spoke up and delayed my efforts.

“Why don’t we hit the diner before heading home?”

“Oh! Yeah,” Y/N agreed. “I’m hungry.”

Well, I couldn’t deny them. My brother and my girl. My family. I was parked in the diner lot in a flash, my stomach grumbling, making Sam laugh.

Sam dashed out of the car toward the diner, Y/N hot on his heels before I could catch up. He picked a booth and slid in next to Y/N, leaving me to sit on the opposite side of the table from them. Sam laughed as he saw the confusion and annoyance on my face.

“Nuh-uh,” he teased. “You sit next to her, and it’ll be nothing but wandering hands and kissing. I wanna eat, not puke.”

Y/N’s giggle surprised me, and I resigned myself to sitting alone and cursing Sam. The waitress took our orders, and Sam’s eye caught something in the diner. His eyes widened, his cheeks flushed, and I had to search out whatever made him react that way.

“Hi, Guys.”

I grinned at the sight of Eileen, a fellow hunter we’d worked with that Sam had a serious crush on. If she was in town, there must have been a hunt nearby.

“Eileen, hey. Join us?”

She slid into the booth beside me and across from Sam. I couldn’t help but flash him a smug grin. If I couldn't sit next to my girl, he couldn’t sit next to his crush. After brief introductions between Y/N and Eileen, we dug into our food.

I invited Eileen back to the Bunker, and she readily accepted. It had been a while since Sam and I had seen her. I knew Sam was smitten with her, and I had encouraged him to pursue her for a while. Her arrival at the diner seemed a perfect opportunity to finally get him to make a move.

But the best part was I’d get to spend more time with Y/N. And I wouldn’t have to feel guilty about Sam being a third-wheel. Or Y/N, for that matter. With Sam occupied, I’d have a little more time before I had to face that possibly awkward reality.

Eileen had her vehicle, and Sam said he’d ride back with her. I tried to contain my excitement, knowing Y/N would be beside me again.

As Sam walked away, I turned to Y/N with a grin, taking her hand and leading her to the car. I opened the passenger’s door and closed it behind her, jogging around the back to the driver’s side and quickly climbing in. Eileen honked as they drove away, and I waved them off.

“Ready to head home?” I asked Y/N with a lewd grin, conveying my thoughts as I started the car.

“Don’t we have to get everything inside and set up?”

I shrugged, but the items were not my priority at that moment. “I figured we’d go home, maybe have a nice shower, and then I could take you to bed.”

I ran my hand along her thigh and squeezed as I stole a kiss. Her soft moan made me want to take her right there. But I knew she had a point. If we got all of this in and set up, the shower and bed would be even better. And I could tease the hell out of her, winding her up. Damn, just the thought was starting to make me hard.

I leaned in to steal another kiss, but as I pulled back, she chased me, her hands running through the hair at the back of my head and pulling me back into her as she devoured my mouth. Fuck, it was so hot to know she wanted me as much as I wanted her.

I bit at her lower lip, slipping my tongue inside her mouth. I was ready to take her right then and there. Just a quickie in the front seat to satiate the burning need until we could get home and I could give her more and more and more.

A knock at my window made her jump and had me groaning at the interruption. I turned my head to see a cop standing there with his bright-ass flashlight shining right into the window unnecessarily - it wasn’t even dark enough for the damn thing. I rolled down the window and gave my best smile, though I was thoroughly irritated.

“Evening Officer.”

He shined the light over me and then Y/N before looking back at me, “License and registration, please.”

I should have known making out in the parking lot of a busy diner would have gotten us caught, but I didn’t think about it or care. I was too focused on everything Y/N. I handed over the requested items, squeezing Y/N’s thigh to reassure her as the cop looked over everything.

“Can you step out of the car, Sir?”

That made me pause, but I wanted to finish this and get home. I stepped out of the car and closed the door behind me, walking toward the back of Baby with the cop.

“You know, it’s a crime to have a fake ID, Dean,” the cop said, his eyes flashing black. My heart sank, and I instantly went into fight mode.

Y/N POV

My eyes were glued to Dean as he followed the cop to the back of the car. Something didn’t feel right, something more than just odd protocol. When Dean began fighting with the cop, I knew something was wrong. I didn’t know what to do. I knew the smart thing was to let him handle it. I was way out of my depth here. But I couldn’t just sit by.

What if this was the random thing that killed him?

Before I could decide to move, the passenger door opened, and I was roughly yanked out the door from behind. I was too distracted watching Dean to notice there was someone else. I screamed for Dean, and I heard him shout my name back to me, but I was too focused on my attacker.

I twisted and bit and clawed and stomped until I was released and turned to face a set of black eyes occupying the body of a second officer. I knew how to fight, but a demon was another ballgame. He lunged for me, and I pushed him back, getting myself some distance and running for Dean's safety.

As I got to the back of the car, I saw Dean had downed his opponent. But I was stopped short by the other demon grabbing my hair from behind and yanking me back. Dean ran towards us, but the demon hit him hard, sending him back and to the ground.

Dean called to me, getting my attention and catching my eye before he tossed the angel blade towards me. I managed to grab it, surprising both Dean and myself. I ripped myself from the demon’s hold, which hurt like hell when my hair ripped out and turned to face him. My surprise was replaced by anger as the demon hit me hard. I recovered enough to lunge forward with all my strength and anger, feeling the blade sink into flesh.

We both froze, seconds drawn out as I looked from the blade in my hand to his eyes, noting he seemed as shocked as I felt. His body flashed with orange light, and I gasped, my body trembling as the demon shook, the tremors transferred through our connection of the blade. The light went out, and he fell to the ground, the blood-soaked weapon still in my shaking hand.

I couldn’t take my eyes off the bloody and lifeless body at my feet. I felt something touch my hand and turned to see Dean gently trying to ease the blade that was dangling from my fingers. That’s when I noticed my hand was covered in blood. I felt frozen, numb, and in a daze as I locked onto the crimson liquid that trailed and dripped from my trembling hand.

I felt Dean wipe down my hand and help me into the car, but I couldn’t focus on anything. In the back of my mind, I knew I was experiencing some kind of shock, but I couldn’t shake myself from it. Dean was talking, but I couldn’t hear him. I was still shaking, and I knew that was most likely my adrenaline running high.

I hoped it would stop soon because the shaking made it harder to control my thoughts. When the car's light changed, I was broken from my trance long enough to see that we were entering the long tunnel into the Bunker’s garage, which seemed foreboding.

I could feel it coming that I would break down soon. Cry or scream or just melt into a puddle of some sort. I probably had injuries I wasn’t even aware of. I just needed to get to the bathroom for a shower, and then I could take stock. I was out of the vehicle when Dean threw the car in park.

“Gonna hit the showers,” I mumbled as I rushed off to the bathroom, not wanting him to see me break down, to witness me so weak.

I went straight to my room, gathered a change of clothes and towel, and marched to the bathroom. I knew the adrenaline was wearing off, and I’d crumble. It was imminent. I’d rather be clean and safe in my room behind closed doors before that happened.

I moved quickly, removing my shoes and pants before working on my shirt. I had to pause, suddenly aware of aches and possible injuries that I was too afraid to examine. I struggled again and again, trying to remove my shirt, and cried out at the pain.

“Y/N?” Dean’s voice reached my ears through the bathroom door. I leaned against the sink with a groan, giving up on my attempt to remove my shirt, standing there in only that and my panties and feeling like a failure for not even being able to undress myself. “You okay?”

I saw Dean enter the bathroom, quietly closing the door behind him. His worried eyes rapidly examined me from head to toe.

“I can’t get my shirt off,” my voice wavered and whined more than I intended, my emotions starting to break through. “I…I think I’m hurt.”

“Let me see.”

Dean’s deep voice was gentle and soothing as he approached me, his hands held out. I nodded, which seemed to give him the permission he sought.

Dean POV

I watched as Y/N practically ran from the car into the Bunker. I hated that this had happened and that she was forced to defend herself. I knew she’d never faced something like this or had never had to kill anything before. A kill was never easy, especially the first one. I knew how that stayed with you and what she was likely going through.

I called Sam and told him what had happened. Luckily, he was at the Bunker with Eileen and said they’d handle it and call Cas for assistance. I wanted to go and clean up with him, but he insisted that Y/N would need me. I knew he was right, but didn’t want to turn my back on the job. There was clean-up, and I wanted to know how they found us and what they wanted.

This happened in the middle of our hometown and involved the police. If we couldn’t fix this, we’d likely have to go deep into hiding. But with Cas and Sam on the job, I knew they could handle things and would call if something went wrong.

With that situation addressed, at least for now, I knew I had to find Y/N. I could tell she was in shock, and I worried about her being alone right now. I eventually found her in the bathroom, her cries of pain alerting me to her location. I paused in front of the door, hearing her struggling inside.

“Y/N? You okay?”

I slowly opened the door, peeking inside and seeing her leaning against the sink. I closed the door behind me and walked towards her, scanning her body for any visible injuries.

“I can’t get my shirt off,” she complained, a tinge of pain in her voice. “I…I think I’m hurt.”

My heart dropped into my stomach. I wanted to rush to her but knew she would be jumpy after the ordeal. So, I strolled towards her with my hands out, like I’d do with a victim on a case.

“Let me see.”

She nodded, and I felt relieved. I helped her remove her shirt, careful of any injuries she might have. As she stood before me in just her underwear, I put aside any inappropriate thoughts, focusing on the task at hand. She didn’t need me to be horny and wanting, she needed me to take care of her, and I was determined to do so. Whatever she needed. I knew this was my fault and could never make it up to her. Looking over her body, I didn’t see any cuts, but she was definitely bruised and possibly had broken ribs.

“Might be broken,” I said, gently prodding her side.

Castiel appeared before I could speak further, making Y/N jump and hide in my arms. I growled at the sudden and alarming situation and the pain it probably caused her.

“Sam called me,” Cas explained in a gentle tone, noting the distress of the situation.

Reaching out a hand, he laid it on Y/N’s head, alleviating all of her injuries - the physical ones, at least. She took a deep breath and relaxed in my arms, and I could tell the pain was gone.

“I’m sorry for what happened,” Castiel spoke. “You were lucky you had each other, or it might have been worse.”

Cas disappeared before I could thank him. I was grateful Sam had gotten a hold of him and that the angel had healed my girl. I couldn’t bear to see her in pain.

She met my eyes, and for long moments, we stood, just gazing at each other. She tried to force a smile but only mustered a grimace, the dam holding back her emotional tide ready to burst. I knew the look, I knew the signs, I knew exactly what she was going through and how hard she was about to crash. All I could do was be there.

“I-I should s-shower,” she uttered suddenly, scuttling around me to head into one stall and turn on the water.

Y/N POV

I felt embarrassed, worthless, and weak. I couldn’t bear to look at Dean anymore, too afraid to see pity. It scared the hell out of me when Castiel suddenly appeared. I hated that I was so jumpy and naked and felt exposed in every way possible. I forced myself to leave Dean’s comforting hold, not feeling worthy of it.

Assuming he’d leave, I focused on the shower. Removing my panties, I went under the spray, focusing on the warm water's soothing feel; however, when I closed my eyes, flashes of the fight came straight to my mind, the blood coating my hand from the kill - my kill.

I had killed someone.

I tried to breathe deeply, but it only came in stutters. Balancing with one hand against the wall, I internally begged for my emotional walls to hold tight for just a bit longer.

Angry and unable to control my feelings, I grabbed my sponge harshly, lathering it up and roughly scrubbing my body. The images kept flashing through my mind, making me scrub harder and faster—as if I could wash them away before they manifested. But my mind focused on the memories. My hands switched to harshly scrubbing one arm and hand, then the other, the blood in my mind never washing away.

I couldn’t get clean.

The sobs broke forth then of their own volition, the dam collapsing as the adrenaline wore off. I dropped the sponge, my hands flying to cover my face as I began to sob hard. My knees weakened and wobbled, and I knew I would collapse, unable to hold myself up any longer. But the harsh smack of the tiles against my kneecaps never came.

Instead, warm and strong arms wrapped around me from behind, catching me as I fell and gently lowering me to the ground. I knew it was Dean, and the comfort of his arms made me feel like it was okay to fall to pieces. His arms stayed tightly wrapped around me as I sobbed with all I had, the spray of the shower raining down on my head and shoulders, washing away the snot and tears.

I didn’t know how long had passed before I finally calmed down, the water feeling lukewarm at best. It was then I became fully aware of the arms still securely wrapped around my midsection, holding me safe and keeping me warm while I fell apart.

I sat up, Dean behind me, and held me close in his lap. I only just noticed he was naked, too. I turned my head, looking over my shoulder, and found kind, warm green eyes shining at me with concern. Without a word, I stood, and he was there, ensuring my legs stayed under me. He turned me to face him and wiped the tears from my face.

Worn out, exhausted, and defeated, I let Dean silently bathe us both. He was quick and efficient, and I appreciated his attention to my hands, nails, and cuticles. I wanted to thank him, tell him I loved him, or say anything, but I couldn’t speak. I didn’t have the will or fight to do anything more than just be.

When he finished, he turned off the water and wrapped a towel around me before guiding me to sit on one of the locker-room-style benches off the side. A moment later, he had a towel secured around his waist and silently sat next to me. I knew he was worried about me, and I needed to say something. But my mind was stuck in a loop.

Dean POV

“I killed someone,” she stated as she stared off at the far wall, her soft voice much louder in the tiled bathroom. She turned to look at me, the tears gathering in her eyes again, one single tear escaping and finding a path down her cheek and jaw. “...I-I killed someone.”

I didn’t know what to say. Instead, I wrapped my arms around her for comfort as she sobbed into my shoulder. I knew the feeling of having death and blood on your hands, feeling like it never goes away. I didn’t want that for her, but it had happened, and now we had to deal with the consequences.

I wondered if this up-close glimpse into my life would make her change her mind and decide I wasn’t worth it. I wouldn’t blame her. If anything, I’d help her get as far away from me as possible. Especially if it meant she didn’t have to feel like this and didn't have to face the darkness of my world.

I helped her dress in the comfortable clothes she had brought to the bathroom. I hadn’t prepared, so I just held the towel around my waist with one hand as I guided her to our room with the other. She didn’t say a word as we entered the room. Instead, she moved to get comfortable in bed while I dressed in some boxers and a T-shirt. I was eager to get her into bed earlier, but this was farthest from what I had imagined.

I reflected on Cas’s parting words: “You were lucky you had each other, or it might have been worse.”

Luckily, I was there to defend her. But damn unlucky for her to even know me and be put in situations like this. No matter how hard I tried, I knew I couldn’t protect her from everything. But it didn’t keep me from feeling like shit about it.

I climbed on the bed behind her as she lay on her side, wrapping my arms around her and holding her close like I did in the shower. Her breath stuttered, but she soon settled. I was more than okay with just giving her the comfort she needed. I couldn’t sleep, so I nuzzled into her and mildly rested while watching her fitful slumber.

Sam POV

When we got to the diner, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to mess with Dean. When I sat beside Y/N, Dean’s look of dismay was more than worth it. I didn’t want to watch them make out the whole time, but it was more about the chance to tease my big brother.

However, when I spotted Eileen in the diner, that all changed. I hadn’t seen her in a while, but I loved spending time with her. Dean had been on me for a long time about ‘manning up’ and asking her out. But I knew relationships and hunting didn’t go well together.

We talked all the time, we hadn’t seen each other in a while. She was just as beautiful as the last time I saw her, if not more so. Seeing her now, in a Lebanon diner of all places, seemed like fate intervening - and I couldn’t be mad about it.

Eileen caught my eye and smiled, and I felt the butterflies in my stomach. I shifted in my seat as if that could calm them down. Dean quickly caught on, and the shit-eating grin on his face told me I was in for teasing.

I was grateful Dean invited her to sit with us - even if I was now lamenting that she was sitting next to him and not me - and even more thankful when he invited her back to the Bunker. I wasn’t confident I would’ve been able to ask her without stumbling over my words and acting completely awkward.

When Dean and Y/N went to the Impala and Eileen started toward her truck, I asked Eileen if I could ride with her, and she happily agreed. I used the excuse of the Impala being stuffed with shopping bags, but I just wanted a moment alone with her. When we got to the Bunker, I knew we’d all probably hang out, which was fine. I tried to use this ride - however short it may be - for a refreshing moment alone with her and away from my brother and Y/N.

Catching up on the ride, I learned Eileen had just finished a hunt nearby. It was too close for comfort, and I was worried that I hadn’t heard anything about it. I’d been a little preoccupied with my downtime interrogating our new housemate.

“So, who’s the new girl?” Eileen asked with a smile.

I laughed, “Y/N. She’s Dean’s…well, I guess she’s his girlfriend.”

No one had put a label on anything, and it was fresh between them, but with the declarations and Dean moving her into his room, it was something serious and committed. I hoped it was, anyway. Despite my initial protests and disbelief, I really wanted that for Dean. As I glanced at Eileen in the driver’s seat, whisps of her hair blowing from the partially open window, I knew I wanted that, too.

“So Playboy Dean Winchester has a ball and chain.”

That was a really odd thing for her to say and very unlike the way Eileen usually spoke.

“It’s just ‘cause he won’t let himself have it or believes he doesn’t deserve it,” I said, a little ashamed because I had made the very same assumptions.

As she parked in front of the Bunker and turned off the engine, I was met with a gentle smile.

“It’s good,” Eileen insisted. “More leverage.”

Before I could question it, her eyes flashed black, and she lunged at me in the front bench of her truck, pressing me back into the passenger’s door. I didn’t want to hurt her, but I had to subdue her and exorcise the demon. It was hard to maneuver in the confines of the truck cab, but I managed to push her against the driver’s door, pull the handle, and send her toppling backward out of the truck and onto the ground.

I hopped out of the truck and wrestled with the demon, pining them as I quickly recited the fifty words of Latin from memory. She fought, struggled, and threatened, but in the end, the demon was expelled, the black smoke leaving her body.

“Sam?” Eileen asked as she came to me, and I was relieved.

“You’re okay,” I reassured her, signing as I spoke. I had been learning since I met her, often practicing with her on video chat.

I led Eileen inside, leaving her in the map room as I fetched a few beers. I heard the echo of the Impala pulling into the Bunker’s garage, and I wondered what had taken Dean so long to get here. I handed her a beer, digging my phone from my pocket to call Dean and tell him what happened.

The phone rang before I could call. When I saw Dean’s name on the caller ID, my hunter instincts kicked into overdrive.

“Dean?”

I listened as my brother told me of the encounter he and Y/N had just had. I was pissed; whoever they were had to have been watching us, waiting until we were separated.

“No, let me handle it,” I told Dean as he went on a tirade. “Yeah, I’ll call Cas. Y/N needs you right now.”

After ending the call, I let out a long breath, staring at the phone in my hands as I contemplated what had transpired.

“Sam?”

Eileen’s curious voice drew my attention. I tried to give her a reassuring smile, but she could see right through it. Her ability to read and understand me so easily was one of the things I enjoyed about her.

“Dean and Y/N were attacked right after we left,” I explained. “They’re banged up but fine. Two dead cops were possessed, and there were a bunch of witnesses. It was late in the day in the middle of town.”

“The hunt I was on was demons,” Eileen explained, her hands rushing to sign as she explained. “I thought they were all gone, but when I left, one of them caught up to me. I didn’t even know I was possessed.”

I shook my head, hating that these things happened to us and those around us. Suddenly, Eileen wrapped her arms around me, hugging me tight, and I returned the embrace, needing it more than I realized.

“It’s not your fault,” I insisted, reassuring her.

“I’ll help,” she offered, signing with her hands as she spoke. She knew there’d be no stopping me from taking action, even if it was her hunt. “Whatever you need, I got your back.”

I was so grateful she was there and offering her help. I’d need it, but I’d want her with me regardless. It sucked that I suddenly had to work, but at least I still got time with Eileen—the silver lining on an otherwise dark cloud.

“Alright. Let me call Cas, and I should probably change into Fed gear. We’ll have to figure out how to clean this up.”

I tried my best to focus on the job at hand but struggled. My mind kept drifting over what happened, what could have happened. The bodies were gone by the time we got there, police tape and ambulances in the lot we had just left not that long ago.

It took some time and charm, but I got the security footage, Eileen identified the witnesses, and Castiel discreetly erased their memories of the incident. While this took care of the immediate issue, we still had to deal with other people possibly recognizing us in town and from the diner, and we still had to find out why these demons attacked.

When we returned, Castiel promised to investigate the incident further and left. I could tell Eileen was deeply upset—not just about being possessed but also about possibly being a pawn who led the others to us. It wasn’t her fault, but Hunters tended to blame themselves for everything. I was frustrated that our lives always had to be so messed up.

I offered her a drink, but she declined, retreating to the guest room she used when she visited. I had to remind myself that she’d just come off a hunt, been possessed, and then helped to clean up in town; she had to be exhausted.

I poured myself a half-full glass of whiskey as I sat in the library. Demons interrupting and messing with our lives wasn’t anything new to us. But Eileen had been targeted, and Y/N had to fight. It wasn’t just Dean and me under attack anymore.

Too lost in thought, I didn’t notice when Dean sat with me, a crystal glass in hand and the decanter on the table within reach—yeah, it looked like it’d be one of those nights.

“How’s Y/N?”

Dean POV

It took Y/N a while to get to sleep. Once she was, I felt it was okay to slip away. I didn’t want to leave her, but I desperately needed a drink. Or a whole bottle.

I wasn’t sure how long I’d been helping Y/N, but I was surprised to see my brother at the table in the library, drinking under a lone desk lamp. He didn’t seem to notice me until I sat down and poured a heavy drink.

“How’s Y/N?”

I sighed and rubbed my eyes, “In shock, I think. But asleep, for now.”

Sam nodded and finished off his drink before pouring another. I fetched a second bottle; it looked like we were gonna need it.

“Eileen was possessed on a demon hunt.”

“So she and those others showed up at the same time -”

“Eileen - the demon that was in her - was asking about Y/N; called her ‘leverage.’”

Fuck. Fuck!

This was precisely what I was afraid of happening. Of Y/N being targeted because of me and my damned life. I wouldn’t be surprised if she changed her mind and ran for the hills. Hell, I’d help her pack.

Sam explained to me what the three of them did to try and clean up the mess in our backyard. Were we gonna have to lay low in the Bunker until the heat died down? Just another reason for Y/N to hate me. I was ruining her life.

“I think maybe I can make some charms that might help. We’d still look like us but be unrecognizable.”

It wasn’t a bad idea. I was familiar with the type of magic and charm he was talking about. It might not be necessary and would hopefully only be needed for a short while, but it would be good to have, just in case.

Especially considering that whoever was behind this became my public enemy, numero uno.

“I’ll help with research, reading, and getting ingredients. Whatever you need.”

Sam took a deep, huffy breath, and I knew he was about to say something I wouldn’t like.

“You should take some time off to focus on Y/N. Me, Cas, and Eileen…we can handle this.”

“Our lives don’t allow for time off, Sam!”

I was right; I didn’t like it at all. How could he expect me to sit on the sidelines when something threatened us? Threatened her?

“If you don’t want to stay, then we should bring her with us. You, me, her, and Eileen. We’d be safer in numbers.”

I didn’t know what to do. The hunter in me wanted to hunt, to track down these bastards and put them in their place. But the broken man in me - who already cared more deeply for Y/N than I was willing to admit - wanted to both push her away and pull her close to shield her from it all.

Y/N POV

I had successfully defended myself against a stronger opponent in a surprise attack. That was good.

I had - in a me or them situation - been the victor. I was alive, and they were dead, and I escaped with relatively minor injuries, which Castiel had healed. All of that was good.

I had helped Dean and removed one more demon from the world. That was good.

So why did I feel so bad?

When I woke, I was hit with waves of darkness and depression as I recalled every detail. My body felt heavy and numb as it settled over me. I had killed someone, taken a life, and it stained my mind and my hands.

It took me two days to get out of bed for more than the bathroom. Dean had insisted that I eat and shower. He was a worried mother hen, and I’d be annoyed if I could muster it. Instead, I shuffled on autopilot and trusted Dean to guide me.

The dark thoughts in my mind told me he just desperately wanted me out of his bed, locked away in my old room to mope in solitude. But I could see in his eyes, hear in his tone, and feel in his touch how much he cared. It made me wish I was okay, if only not to hurt him anymore.

I thought that forcing myself back into my domestic routine would help me get through this and move past it. After breakfast, I decided the dishes would be a good place to start, so I gathered the items from the table.

“You don’t have to,” Dean reached for me but pulled back when I shook my head.

“You cooked. I got it.” I tried to give him a small smile, and he let me continue my mission.

Dean POV

I was glad to see her out of bed and out of the room. She seemed so fragile since the incident. She’d been having nightmares, but I didn’t know if she wanted to talk about it. I didn’t like talking about mine.

I was relieved when she joined me for breakfast and surprised when she ate a decent amount. But then she tried to clean up.

“You don’t have to.”

I wanted to touch her, reassure her, and let her know I didn’t expect anything from her. But she pulled out of reach, and I tried not to pout.

“You cooked. I got it.”

I relented but kept an eye on her while she worked. While I was glad she seemed better, I knew she could return to bed or break down. She knew better than me what she needed - at least, I hoped she did - so I would just make myself available to catch her if she stumbled.

Y/N seemed fine as she washed the dishes, head bowed and shoulders hunched. She wasn’t the bright, jovial person I was familiar with. Just a couple of days ago, we were practically honeymooning it, and now -

I heard the clatter of a dish breaking, followed by a hiss as Y/N’s whole body jumped and then tensed. I was up from my seat in a flash and at her side a split second later. There was a broken plate in the sink. She cradled her hand, which had a large and deep gash across the palm. Rivulets of blood dripped into the sink, mixing with the water and soap to swirl down the drain.

I grabbed a dish towel and tended to her hand, rinsing it quickly and turning off the water. It was deep, and I had to wrap the towel around her hand to stem the bleeding until I could call Cas or give her stitches. She had that same haunted shock from the incident.

Y/N POV

All I could see was red, my hands covered in blood again, my mind replaying the moment the angel blade sunk into flesh. I was in the memory and in the kitchen. I understood my hand was injured, but I couldn’t feel it.

“Y/N!”

I frowned when I realized Dean was shouting at me. His eyes were panicked. I wanted to be upset that he was yelling, but I knew he must be worried.

“Why are you yelling?”

“Baby,” he cupped my cheek, holding my gaze. “I said your name a bunch of times. You were somewhere else.”

“Oh.”

“I’m calling Cas.”

“What? No! Dean, you can’t call an angel whenever I get hurt.”

“Watch me,” Dean growled, and a moment later, Castiel appeared.

He didn’t need to be told, seeing my bleeding wound, the dish towel soaked in blood. He carefully removed the cloth and healed the gash, only a smear of blood left on my hand.

“Thank you, Cas,” Dean said, but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything.

I was still reeling over the blood, the killing. I was embarrassed that I was so weak, fragile, and afraid. I was ashamed that I’d hurt myself - even if it was an accident - and that Dean was so worried - again - that he called Cas - again.

I couldn’t look at either of them and turned to the sink to wash my hands. I scrubbed and scrubbed, but the blood seemed to smear and spread. I couldn’t get clean. I kept scrubbing until I felt cold and sore; still, the blood remained.

The tears burst forth on their own, and the sobs wracked my body so hard I couldn’t see my hands anymore. Only the red that seemed to stain everything.

I felt Dean move, then take my hands to lead them under the water. I only knew it was him when I saw the bright green of his eyes breaking through the tinge of crimson, like sunlight piercing through thick, dark clouds.

He gently and slowly cleaned my hands. He rubbed a cloth over the lines and creases and even focused on my nails and cuticles with careful precision and care. After drying my hands, I looked at them, and they were clean. When I looked back at Dean, all the red was gone, and I could see him clearly.

He looked exhausted and pained. There was light stubble on his jaw and dark circles around his eyes. My heart broke knowing it was my fault. Somehow, he was still incredibly beautiful despite his obvious suffering.

Dean had attentively cleaned invisible stains from my hands and was ready to punch and kill the ghosts and nightmares that haunted me. And now, he stood so quiet and patient, letting me inspect him.

I felt like I might cry, but instead, I cupped his cheek—the stubble pleasantly scratched against my palm—and kissed him with all my love and appreciation. He whimpered and then returned the sentiment, moving his lips with mine as his arms held me close.

I knew Dean cared, that he felt for me. But now I knew how deeply, and I hoped this wasn’t our last kiss. I hoped he wouldn’t do as I feared and send me away.

Dean POV

Once Cas had healed her, he left, and I was grateful because when she started washing her hands—so rough and abrupt—I knew she was about to fall to pieces. I had been there more times than I wanted to think about. My own hands were stained a deep red from the rivers of blood I’d spilled. So I did for her what I was always too proud to ask for.

I washed her hands for her. The actual blood that was present washed away quickly and easily. But the real blood wasn’t what she saw. I remembered how my hands looked in my mind and proceeded to cleanse. Once satisfied with her hands, I scraped out her nails and cuticles twice for good measure. With a final rinse, I massaged her hands under the water to give that feeling of a deep clean with elbow grease.

By the time I carefully dried her hands, her body was more relaxed, her tears stopped, and her breathing started to even out. She silently searched me, her gaze almost a featherlight touch. I didn’t know what she was looking for, but I left myself open for her to find it. Normally, I’d hide away, locking my thoughts and feelings so tightly that not even Sam knew.

But honesty was the cornerstone of our relationship. It started everything and carried us this far. It didn’t seem like the time to suddenly stop.

When she kissed me, I was surprised. It was so gentle and tender my heart skipped a beat, and I whimpered, but she didn’t seem to mind. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close, almost like I could shelter her in my ribcage like a vital organ. That’s how this, and she, felt.

I knew then I was a selfish bastard because I didn’t have the strength to be apart from her - to push her away or let her leave - because I was starved for everything she gave me, and she was slowly healing the cracks in my soul.

“Do you want to go back to bed?” I asked, seeing how tired she looked.

She nodded, and I led her by the hand to our room. I released her in the open doorway, remembering I wanted to change the sheets and put the new ones on.

“What are you doing?”

“Just wanna change the sheets,” I answered as I focused on my task. But her following words made me stop and look at her.

“I can go to my room if you want.”

She looked so defeated, so I rushed to her, holding her in my arms. “I don’t want that. I want us together, okay?”

She nodded, and I kissed her forehead before returning to the sheets. She came around the other side and started helping. As we finished laying the comforter on top, I knew I had a giant smile on my face.

“What are you grinning about?”

I shrugged, “Just the first time we made our bed, together, with our sheets.”

She smiled and chuckled lightly, and I felt like a kid who’d just discovered Christmas.

“Let me get us some clean PJs,” I offered, turning to the dresser. I was eager to take care of her and show her I could and wanted to - especially after her comment about her old room.

“Could -”

I stopped what I was doing and gave her my full attention, waiting for her to continue. When she didn’t, I walked over to her and rubbed her arms. When she finally spoke, she didn’t look at me.

“Could we maybe sleep naked? I just want to feel closer to you.”

“Of course,” I answered because, of course. I tucked my fingers under her chin and pulled her lips to mine. I didn’t want her ever to be afraid to ask me for anything.

She ran her hands under my shirt, pushing it up, and I pulled from her lips to yank the shirt over my head and toss it aside. Then I removed hers, and we continued until we were naked and kissing in a gentle embrace. Despite her breasts pressed against my chest, her ass in my hands, or my cock pinned between us, it wasn’t sexual but intimate in a way that was new to me.

We settled in bed under the sheets - which were of a higher quality and felt incredible against my bare and heated skin - facing each other, and I pulled her as close as I could. She kept squirming, and I knew she wasn’t entirely comfortable.

“What’s wrong?” I asked into her hair as she nuzzled into my neck.

“Nothing, I’m being ridiculous.”

“Don’t make me get the serum,” I joked, and she lightly slapped my chest.

“I just…I don’t feel close enough.”

“What do you need?”

“I - I want you inside of me. Not for, you know, just -”

“I got you.”

I lifted her thigh over my hip, opening her to me. I ran my fingers over her core, just to make sure she could take me comfortably. Shifting my hips, I slid deep within her. She gasped, then relaxed, almost melted into me.

I was prepared to give her anything she needed. But I hadn’t realized how much I needed this, too. I wrapped myself around her and kissed gently along her shoulder. Whatever this was, it was beyond intimate - something I didn’t have a name for yet - and it was something I’d never felt before. But it was incredible and perfect, too much and not enough at once.

I tried not to think about being bare inside her unprotected pussy, though it made my cock twitch. I took deep breaths until I calmed down. This wasn’t about sex - and certainly wasn’t about breeding - and we’d had so much sex recently, though that was protected every time.

This was about closeness, connection, and sheltering in one another—everything I never knew I needed.

Y/N POV

When I woke, I felt surrounded by warmth, comfort, and peace, which washed over me and soothed me more than I’d felt in years. I didn’t have nightmares, either. I opened my eyes and smiled, realizing why I felt so good.

Dean was asleep and looked peaceful, the dark circles and shadows gone from his features. Although he was handsome - he always was, even injured, angry, or covered in blood - it wasn’t what caught me the most. This incredible man I loved held me together as I fell apart. He wasn’t turning from me because I was weak. He was doing whatever he could to give me his strength. To keep me whole.

In the back of my mind, I knew I’d still be plagued with trauma, but at that moment, I felt peace. And I desperately wanted to show my gratitude to the one who made it possible.

He had slipped from my folds as we slept, though we still held close to one another. I kissed down his chest and stomach. As I reached his hips, he shifted to his back but remained asleep. Disappearing beneath the sheets, I focused on his cock, thick and hard, as I kissed and licked along his shaft, tasting a little of my flavor mixed with his.

I licked his slit, and his cock twitched, and I knew he was awake. A moment later, the sheet was lifted and tossed aside to reveal me. The static from the sheet had my hair going crazy, but Dean didn’t seem to care as his sleepy eyes met mine.

I took him in my mouth until I hit the base, my nose pressed into his hair as he twitched in the back of my throat. It didn’t take long to have him coming hard and hot down my throat.

I kissed my way up his body, and he impatiently pulled me up to capture my lips and kiss me breathlessly.

“Good morning,” I grinned at him.

Dean POV

I was deep in a dream of Y/N sucking my dick, and it felt so real it woke me up. My cock twitched as I noticed the lump in the sheet, and a warm, wet tongue ran along my shaft. I flung the sheet back, and there she was, hair wild and lips stretched as she took me deep. It was better than the dream I had left behind.

More than a week ago, I had a dream of eating her out and then woke up to just that. Here again, another dream, another reality. It made me wonder how many of my dreams would no longer reside in only my mind because of her.

She knew just what to do to have me coming quickly. I would have been embarrassed if I could have thought, but my head was spinning, and I needed a second to recover.

As she kissed up my body, I felt cared for and worshipped. I could’ve cried. Instead, I pulled her lips to mine and kissed her deeply, thankful for the wake-up and her in general.

“Good morning,” she smiled at me, and I felt blessed. God damn blessed.

I let her lead us through what had become our morning routine - shower, dress, and head to the kitchen for coffee, with plenty of chances for kissing and groping because I couldn’t keep my hands or lips from her for long - feeling well-rested and relaxed, and grateful not to have to think for a change.

When we entered the kitchen, Y/N poured cups while I sat at the table where Sam and Eileen were awake and chatty. At least there was food, which had to be Eileen because Sam was all thumbs in the kitchen.

I shoved a piece of bacon in my mouth as Y/N passed me a coffee and sat beside me. I had to be dreaming still. All of us, together, happy, a family. I knew it couldn’t last, and we still had to talk about what happened and how to handle it.

Y/N POV

“How are you feeling?” Sam asked.

Well, no, he didn’t just ask. He flashed those devastating puppy-dog eyes at me - full of sympathy and concern - and I felt confused at his sudden, intense care for me, but I also melted a little under the influence of that gaze.

“Better,” I shrugged, focusing on my plate and shoving food around with my fork. I was hungry, but I also felt incredibly guilty. I made them feel uncomfortable because I couldn’t handle the fallout of a simple kill.

“You don’t have to be,” he added, and I couldn’t help but meet his eyes again. Seeing his sincerity, I struggled to hold back tears.

“I’m so sorry. This is my fault,” Eileen said.

I watched as Sam reassured her it wasn’t, using his hands and words, before he tucked her head under his chin and ran his hands down her back, comforting her. I felt this wasn’t the first time they’d had this discussion.

“No, it’s our fault,” Dean insisted, pointing between him and Sam. “They went after you-” he pointed at Eileen “-to get to us, and you-” he turned to me “-had to kill something and are traumatized because of us.”

“Because of the demons,” I said calmly and steadily as I tried to eat some food.

“What?”

“It’s the demons' fault. We were all victims,” I stated firmly, staring Dean down and begging his stubborn ass to believe it.

I knew he was angry with himself, blaming himself for everything. It was what he did. I wasn’t sure I could break him of the habit, especially not over this, but I would still try—every time.

Dean stared back, a fire in his eyes and stiff posture as he shifted his whole body to face me. I met his stance and gaze, determined not to back down from this fight.

“They did it to try to hurt us,” he emphasized. “We’re hell’s most wanted and - newsflash, Sweetheart-” he seethed, throwing his arms up at his sides, and I internally cringed at the bitter use of the name and how utterly horrible and demeaning it sounded in that tone.

“That means demons coming at us. They always have, and they always will. So yeah, it’s our fault. Hell, probably mine because-” he turned to stare at his brother as he and Eileen tried to remain quiet and still as this conversation erupted. “-That demon you exorcised was asking about Y/N, right?”

He didn’t even wait for a response as he faced me again, his anger out of control, his face red, and his voice booming in the caverns of the underground Bunker. I held up a finger before he could continue - or before Sam could muster a response - more than fed up with his current train of bullshit.

“Okay, Hun,” I threw back at him in the same patronizing tone. “First off, it’s not your fault that demons come after you. You’re the best, and that threatens them. But you didn’t beg for demons to come into your life and keep it interesting,” I scoffed, rolling my eyes at the idea.

“And second, I knew who you were and what you were about since I came here, Dean.” I tried and failed to keep the whine out of my voice as I got loud and emotional. “I knew about your life and that things like this would happen. I don’t want to hunt, and I don’t want to kill. Taking a life…”

I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths. Life was precious, and I wasn’t a killer, nor did I want to be. I knew this would stay with me, and I hoped it wouldn’t drive me crazy. Crazy with grief, sorrow, and guilt. I met his eyes again and saw he’d deflated some.

“But I would do it again, kill again and again, to protect and save you because you’re worth it, and I love you that much.”

Sam POV

Dean and Y/N looked happy and well-rested when they entered the kitchen. Eileen and I had made breakfast—well, mostly Eileen. I just handed her things, really - and I was glad to be able to help relieve some of the tension from Y/N. She usually did these things and cared for us all; now, she needed us to do the same for her.

I suppose I was too hopeful that she’d be alright, but I wanted her to know it was okay if she wasn’t. I should’ve known everyone’s emotions were running high. I had spent much time convincing Eileen that it wasn’t her fault, either. But she was about as stubborn as Dean or myself, and in the back of my mind, I knew convincing any of us that we weren’t at fault was a monumental task.

“It’s the demons' fault. We were all victims.”

The words seemed to suck the air out of the room. Y/N stared Dean down, almost as if daring him to argue with her. I’d seen them have plenty of interactions, but never angry or argumentative. He turned in his seat to face her, and I squeezed Eileen’s hand under the table as I braced for whatever tirade my brother was about to unleash.

“They did it to hurt us. We’re hell’s most wanted and - newsflash, Sweetheart -”

I winced at Dean’s tone as he hissed the nickname at Y/N. To her credit, she didn’t bat an eye. I glanced at Eileen, who seemed to feel the same as she turned her attention back to the others.

“That means demons coming at us. They always have, and they always will.”

I sighed, and my shoulders slumped because Dean was right. Demons were a constant nuisance in our lives. Eileen squeezed my hand, and I met her eyes. She nudged me, and I knew she was trying to keep me from blaming myself, just like I had done with her.

He’s right. I silently mouthed the words to her. She let go of my hand, and I was about to protest or wonder what I did wrong until I realized she was quickly signing with her hands low to be unseen by the others.

If he’s right, then I’m to blame, too.

I shook my head to deny her words, and she flashed me a slight smirk, proving her point. We all wanted to take the blame, but Y/N was right. We were all victims here.

“That demon you exorcised was asking about Y/N, right?”

His question caught me off guard. Surprised, I raised my brows but sat taller and squeezed Eileen’s hand for courage as I was roped into their debate. He didn’t wait for my answer before he turned back to Y/N, and she raised a finger to stall me, so I shut my mouth and relaxed back into my seat.

“Okay, Hun.”

Ooh, shit. Okay, she was throwing his shit right back at him. It was hard to hide my smirk.

“First off, it’s not your fault that demons come after you. You’re the best, and that threatens them. But you didn’t beg for demons to come into your life and keep it interesting.”

I almost felt like her words were for me, too, because they soothed and encouraged me. And she was right again. We didn’t ask for this life, for demons and monsters to hunt us as much as we hunted them. But it was our life, and Dean was okay with that until someone he cared about got hurt.

“And second, I knew who you were and what you were about since I came here, Dean. I knew about your life and that things like this would happen. I don’t want to hunt, and I don’t want to kill. Taking a life…”

Eileen and I leaned more into each other, our gazes falling to the table. We all had been there and knew the feeling of that first kill or a hunt gone wrong. It was a heavy, dark feeling that settled deep in your core and poisoned everything if you let it.

We had done this for so long. Even Eileen had been hunting most of her life and was a Men of Letters legacy herself. After a while, the killing, death, and blood all get easier. But you also find yourself drowning in it.

“But I would do it again, kill again and again, to protect and save you because you’re worth it, and I love you that much.”

And there it was—without a serum, and despite the horrible turn of events - she told him again that she felt him worthy and loved him. It was exactly what Dean needed to hear, pounded into his mind repeatedly until he understood. I suddenly felt even worse about how I had reacted before. Maybe I needed someone to pound it into my head, too. I turned and smiled at Eileen, who was looking at me sweetly.

My mind went back to my conversation with Dean. He wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving Y/N behind at the Bunker, being apart from her, and I still believed we’d be safer in numbers. But we’d also be able to watch and protect Y/N and Eileen.

“Dean,” Y/N sighed. “This is part of the Hunter Pie life. You can’t shield me, so you might as well prepare me.”

Yeah. That. She was right again, and I completely agreed with her. She was the odd one out, who wasn’t a hunter, a legacy, or a part of this world. But here she was, choosing to face it all because it was Dean’s life, and she felt he was worth it.

At that moment, I finally realized why Dean defended her and fought for their relationship. She was worth it, too.

Dean POV

“Dean,” Y/N sighed. “This is part of the Hunter Pie life. You can’t shield me, so you might as well prepare me.”

“Prepare you?”

“I don’t want to hunt,” she reiterated. “But I want you to train me to defend myself so I can be ready.”

“I can help,” Eileen offered, smiling at Y/N. “I want to help.”

“Yeah, me too,” Sam said, and I felt sick.

All I wanted was for Y/N to be protected from all of this. To continue being happy and carefree and not have to face and deal with the dark crap that plagued us. But everyone, including her, seemed to have other ideas. I didn’t like it, but she had a point.

She had handled herself beautifully in that encounter. With a bit of training, she’d probably be a pretty proficient hunter. I didn’t want that for her either, but if I remained in this life - which, who am I kidding, I could never leave - then she’d be in it, too, one way or another.

Then, there was what she’d said. Despite her shock and trauma, I was worth what she was feeling because she loved me that much. Those words alone took all the air and anger right outta me.

“Okay,” I sighed, shaking my head. Although I hated the idea, I knew I was outnumbered. “Okay, we’ll work on training you and bring you along on hunts. You can help with research and other things that don’t involve the killing part.”

She grinned broadly, leaned forward, and wrapped her arms around my shoulders, hugging me tight. It surprised me, but I was grateful, wrapping my arms around her tightly. It was our first fight—or argument, really—and all things considered, it wasn’t that bad. However, I still hated that we argued to begin with.

I never wanted to be the reason she was upset.

That didn’t mean I was thrilled about training her or taking her along on hunts, even if she wanted to avoid the monsters. I wasn’t too thrilled that this family of ours - that was so new and I was just in awe over - had banded together against me on such a hard-hitting issue. Why did I feel like I was the only one worried?

Eileen mentioned showing Y/N some of her favorite weapons and go-to moves, and the two of them excitedly talked as they left the kitchen, presumably to start Y/N’s training. Sam watched them go, then turned to me with a smirk.

“You’re freaking out, aren’t you?”

My little brother seemed amused, the ass, and I couldn’t help the groan that left me as I dropped my head to the table.

“I’m worried,” I reluctantly admitted, but I had to talk to someone about this. “She was already attacked once, and if we take her with us…”

“I get it. But she’s right. This is part of the ‘hunter pie life’ thing you two keep talking about.”

“You could have that, too.”

I knew Sam wanted that, a life like that. He usually talked about ‘getting out’ and having the ‘apple pie life.’ But if I could somehow swing this mixed world life, surely he could, too? At least Eileen was part of this world and life. I never wanted to bring anyone into it, but it was different if they already were.

What Y/N asked us to do was against one of my strongest beliefs: not to bring civilians into this world and life. But I failed at that the moment we let her into the Bunker, the moment I let her into my bed and my heart.

“Eileen was thinking about staying around for a while,” Sam said, and I could hear the hopefulness in his tone, not just for what that could mean but also for my blessing.

“Good. I’m sure Y/N would appreciate having another woman around.”

I smirked, and he smiled bashfully. He almost resembled his younger self, full of hope for the future. It was a little infectious. But I got it. Y/N made me feel alive and lucky to have her. I didn’t want to leave her behind; I’d miss her too much. I didn’t want her in danger, either, but I couldn’t have everything.

If she was determined, then so was I. If she was gonna come along, even if she wasn’t hunting, I’d make sure that she could survive, no matter what.

FOREVERS:

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DEAN WINCHESTER:

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#more than a fan #dean winchester x f!reader #dean winchester x reader #dean winchester #reader insert #sam winchester x eileen leahy #sam winchester #eileen leahy #supernatural #spn #supernatural fanfic #spn fanfic #tw: blood #tw: ptsd #tw: violence

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midnightrings · 1 year ago

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Siena and her opera performances - a short character study

So, I thought I might share a short little analysis of the operas Siena performed, as I’ve not seen anything like this on here before and I’ve spent some time digging into those operas for my fanfics.

I want to post a whole character analysis of Siena at some point, but the operas play an important part in highlighting Siena’s character and her relationship with Anthony, so I thought it might be interesting to dig a bit deeper into those performances. Especially when it comes to a character like her (who barely got any screentime), those few seconds of her performing make a nice addition and add some depth to her character and storyline.

I won't focus much on the opera Siena performs in episode 1 – Gluck’s Iphigénie en Tauride – as it's not as interesting as the other two, because there doesn’t seem to be much of a connection to Siena’s character or her relationship with Anthony per se. Unlike the other operas, the focus in this scene is clearly not on her – she’s mostly just in the background, with two very short closeups, so we see that it’s her that is performing on stage. There is a deleted scene between her and Anthony according to the published script of that episode:

However, while I think that deleted scenes and such can make for interesting footnotes during an analysis/interpretation, I don’t like taking them too much into consideration – after all, there might be a good reason why this was deleted.

So the actual scene we see doesn’t really highlight anything in regards to Siena’s characters besides the fact that she’s an opera singer and that this is one of the only times we see her wear some brighter colors – while she’s on stage, playing a character. The other two operas she performs in episode 3 and 4 are much more focused on her character and storyline, especially her performance of I Capuleti e i Montecchi in 1.03 – this is the only time we see her perform without any of the other cast members present.

However, that’s not the only difference between Iphigénie en Tauride and the other operas. I Capuleti e i Montecchi and Les contes d'Hoffmann are also anachronistic. Iphigénie en Tauride premiered 1779, while I Capuleti e i Montecchi premiered in 1830 and Les contes d'Hoffmann in 1881.

People tend to make fun of historical inaccuracies or dismiss them as mistakes, but most times, anachronism is on purpose. I think it’s safe to assume that everyone working on this has been aware that those operas would not premiere until decades after season 1. The operas were clearly chosen for a reason.

Les contes d'Hoffmann by Jacques Offenbach (1881)

Les contes d’Hoffmann (The Tales of Hoffmann) tells the story of Hoffmann, who choses to give up on love and devotes his life to art and poetry instead. It's based on three short stories by E. T. A. Hoffmann, and some are probably familiar with the movie, but just to roughly summarize (also because there’s some important differences): At the beginning of the story, a prima donna named Stella invites Hoffmann to a meeting in her dressing room after her performance. Before the meeting, Hoffmann recounts his past great loves to his students. The opera consists of three acts, each telling the story of one of Hoffmann’s previous loves. After recollecting his stories of heartbreak, The Muse can convince Hoffmann to give his love to her (poetry) instead of visiting Stella.

There are many parallels to Siena and her relationship with Anthony here. The most obvious one is the prima donna part – Stella represents Siena. While there might not be direct similarities within the story or between Anthony and Hoffmann, the ending to Hoffmann’s story is still in some parts similar to Anthony’s. The opera ends with Hoffmann declaring that he doesn’t want to love anymore – which sounds quite similar to what Anthony says at the end of season 1.

Siena is obviously not performing the entire opera – we only see her sing “Belle nuit, ô nuit d'amour” as the courtesan Giulietta – who tries to fool Hoffmann into falling in love with her.

Storytelling-wise, it obviously does not fit Siena’s story at this point – she is not trying to fool Anthony into falling in love with her, quite the opposite. Though it does work well as a juxtaposition, especially when we see Siena noticing Anthony’s stares and she slips out of her role. There’s a clear contrast here between her performing as a devious courtesan and looking almost flustered as a result of Anthony’s gaze.

And although Siena at that point doesn’t want to seduce Anthony in any way, the piece still beautifully represents the actual scene that takes places here: Anthony longingly staring at her the very moment he recognizes her voice – almost as if under a spell (a very horny spell). Even when Violet tries to distract him, he cannot help but look in Siena’s direction. He’s completely enthralled by her here – similarly to how Hoffmann was enthralled by Giulietta. And similarly, both relationships are doomed to end unhappily.

Adding onto that, this is also the only time that we see Siena on stage where she represents exactly who she is: a courtesan. During the other two performances, she’s wearing bright, pastel gowns – very different from her usual style. The costume she wears here is also different from her usual style, which is fairly plain otherwise – but it does highlight the role she plays within society.

I find it quite interesting that this is the only time we see Anthony and Siena interact with one another during one of her performances – and one of the only times we see them interact in public altogether. This scene clearly shows the class difference between them: Anthony attending a ball as the lord he is, while Siena performs for everyone else’s entertainment, playing a seductive courtesan. They are present at the same place, yet they can’t talk to one another – there is an invisible wall between them which is highlighted by the positions they take within that scene as well as the clothes they wear. Had Siena performed any other part of that opera, she would probably have worn a pretty gown and those differences would not nearly be as noticeable. But she’s performing as a courtesan and as a result, this might be the most visible representation of her and Anthony’s differences and main conflict.

Returning to the actual story of the opera: At the end, Hoffmann explains how his three previous loves – Olympia, Antonia and Giulietta – all represent Stella. They show different aspects of the prima donna: the musician, the young girl and the courtesan. As I said, Stella represents Siena, and so do all of the other characters. In this scene, we see her visually represented as the courtesan. The show highlights this several times, especially during episode 3 when she talks to Genevieve and then later visits the gentlemen’s club and is inviting Simon to join her the next evening. Her need to find a keeper that can protect her and provide for her plays an essential role within her storyline.

Then, she’s obviously also a musician – a good amount of her scenes consist of her performances, and her character is defined by those performances. And, in the end, she’s also a young girl – and the show ensures to highlight that part as well. Through showcasing her vulnerability and emotions, we can see that she is not that different from the other young women in the show, like Daphne and Marina. They are all young, dealing with heartbreak and making decisions to secure their future. And this is in my opinion what sets Bridgerton apart from other stories of its genre. Usually, a character like Siena would only be the musician and courtesan – either sidelined or vilified. The show humanizes her, however, by granting her screentime to show her pain and struggles and even, to some extent, her innocence – which is especially well done during her performance in 1.03.

I Capuleti e i Montecchi by Vincenzo Bellini (1830)

As you can probably guess by the title, I Capuleti e i Montecchi tells the story of Romeo and Juliet. I don’t think there’s a need to summarize the story, and I also think it’s pretty clear why this particular opera was chosen: Romeo and Juliet originated the star-crossed lovers trope – which is the exact trope Siena and Anthony would fall under.

There are many things I love about that scene – it’s just all around a brilliant scene, not just in relation to Siena’s character. Though I will obviously only focus on how it relates to her character here.

The aria Siena performs is “Oh! quante volte” – Juliet waiting for Romeo, begging for him to come for her. It’s quite emotional and allows for Siena’s character to express her own emotions throughout her performance.

First, I adore how beautifully this ties in with the next scene. For one, because it sets up the atmosphere and essence of Siena and Anthony’s relationship – the tragedy of it all. The scene with Anthony in Siena’s dressing room underlines how this is not meant to be a love story with a happy ending, and the performance right before that amplifies this. Their story is doomed to end unhappily. And, similar to Romeo and Juliet, it is not merely a tragic story about love – it’s a story about the dangers of defying societal norms and duties and your own identities within that society.

But the dressing room scene also shows the clear differences between both stories. When Anthony visits her, Siena choses to reject him. She might have been emotional during her performance, but when Anthony showed his face, Siena did not act based on emotions but was very much rational in her words and actions. Because Anthony is not Romeo, and Siena is also not Juliet.

I also love how this performance builds a beautiful contrast to Les contes d'Hoffmann. Instead of a courtesan, Siena is playing an ingenue, wearing a pretty gown and looking all around sweet and innocent.

As the opera is in Italian, Juliet is obviously called Giulietta – just like the courtesan from Les contes d'Hoffmann. I have no idea whether this has been an accident or was done on purpose, but it’s a wonderful parallel. In both operas, she’s playing two very different women who happen to share the same name.

It underlines the differences between both roles but also draws a connection – which is Siena’s character.

By society, Siena is seen as the Giulietta from Les contes d'Hoffmann: the courtesan whose intentions are dubious and malicious. When Siena performs as I Capuleti e i Montecchi’s Giulietta, we can see a more vulnerable side of her as she openly cries on stage. We see her heartbroken and emotional, letting her guard down completely for a moment. In the end, it’s merely a performance. But Siena uses this performance to allow herself vulnerability – a vulnerability she is not usually allowed.

Those different performances do an excellent job at showcasing Siena’s character and also her main conflict and the different roles she plays. The chosen operas add some wonderful depth and insight into her character and I absolutely love how the shows has implemented them.

#bridgerton #siena rosso #anthony x siena #i have so many notes for analyses saved especially about siena #one day i will hopefully post that whole character study #also really want to do an analysis of the parallels between her and daphne and marina during season one #and i kinda want to dig a bit deeper into those operas too #there's definitely a lot more to focus on here #but i always need some time to actually write meta posts because I'm honestly fine just thinking about that stuff for myself #but sharing is fun too and makes for great discussions so i'm trying to post more #meta

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buttercupshands · 10 months ago

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So... Ch 423 spoilers huh...?

Just read them... since, yeah, they just appeared and stuff

I... don't really have much to say other than.... I guess this is over? The battle, the arc... basically everything?

I'm... glad that it is, since it was really slow from all of the breaks, but at the same time it's... a little sad, or, actually, just... nothing

I think it's time to... reflect on... whatever happened in this arc or just in general, so... a personal story tie ig

I've been following mha for almost 5 years since I first watched and read it as my first "real" anime and have been following stuff ever since ch 240-241 came out and I caught up with manga, so it was pretty obvious what characters were the most interesting ones

Ever since the volumes became available to buy in 2019 I've been collecting them all up to the very recent ones and it was fun to do even if calculating how to buy them was a challenge for 'I just graduated high school' kind of person. But it was worth it every time with how LoV appeared basically in every single volume since they used 2-in-1 way of publishing so since LoV appears ever so briefly sometimes every 2 volumes it was a win-win situation

I took a break from buying them last year after the exams and stuff and after chapters of Toga's death came out I just took a break from mha in general, focusing more on other stuff like hsr, genshin or just my life while helping with stuff

I still followed the spoilers every week they came out just to see how Horikoshi wants to end the LoV story or at least how would Izuku fight Tomura in the end

And... it's the last chapter of that. After 2 years since the Final arc started and a year since Tomura actually started fighting Izuku inst

It feels right in a way, even if I'm a bit sad how... this is it? AFO just dropped info in ch 419 for it to be irrelevant in the end just for AFO to have control for 4 chapters and Tomura yelling to say that he's still alive in there

It was odd to actually read the spoilers one by one this time since I sometimes wake up too late so I just go through them quickly and that's it

I wondered halfway into the chapter that Tomura would just die soon but I didn't expect it to happen this chapter even more so at the end of it

It's... really is over now?

Defeating LoV was literally just finding a way for them to self-destruct instead of making Class 1-A be the ones who kill them showing that they're still good in the end. It's not like I'm complaining - it's the way I wanted them to be defeated because them staying alive in the end felt unfair, especially when fans were the ones who wanted it. Just leaving them in Tartarus for a way to say that Izuku can't save villains or changing the story so the LoV is left alone is not the way this manga would deal with it, I thought

And I was right in a way, even if it took Toga's monologue to actually be more sure that this is where it's going

It felt too much like how Twice's death was done - without any regret from him

Maybe it made me a bit... off from how other people wanted it to end with heroes "getting what they deserve" or something, but it would've stopped being MHA after something like that happened, especially in a final arc when all of the LoV (except maybe Compress who is not on the battlefield) is literally wearing death signs with Dabi being the most loud one with it - and we still haven't seen him have this "alright, goodbye" moment like Twice, Toga and Tomura now had

And I don't believe that Dabi will survive this arc - he's literally too far gone with his body less alive than before and with him living only to be angry at Endeavor I guess it's a matter of time we get a goodbye from him too

With how this chapter handled it it seems that Spinner might survive this arc after all, but again - it makes it all the more sad since Horikoshi did remind us that Tomura befriended Spinner, in a way making it... a bit sad that it means that Tomura didn't expect others to make it or at least since they were more focused on their own goals Spinner was caring more for Tomura's goal than for himself.

Which is... even more sad considering that Tomura literally tells Izuku to say that he was destroying until the end instead of telling how Tomura lost everything and couldn't do anything anymore even before dying from basically decaying from the quirk that AFO gave him

And that's... Not dissapointing, no. It just makes me sad that his arc ended like that after all those chapters ever since he debuted 10 years ago.

Is you want it to be correct, since Horikoshi based Tomura off his oneshot about Tenko - it's been 17 years since the concept of his character first gained form and only now he's gone

Like... really gone. Nothing else left.

You can probably tell that I didn't take it well even if I wanted this ending to be this way not the "everyone survives way", but it still hurts to see the character that clicked ever since first watching and reading MHA and the character who is basically responsible for me even trying to check first the anime then wiki and then manga just... dying like that

Granted Kurogiri was the one who showed up in the end and I'm just glad for this because ever since ch 419 came out and even before that I just hoped for it to matter in some way and it did

I remember reading some fics that dealt with this arc in a way that was satisfying for me, but I still crried a lot and I still am crying now from thinking that Horikoshi did in fact give LoV a break instead of leaving them in jail.

I do need a break tho. Not in a "I leave and no more sketches or anything from me", no

I need a break from this manga, thankfully next volume isn't close so I'm free to not buy it right after that, especially since it's Toga's volume and I'm not ready to read it again but this time as "read every volume" way

I also can't leave Ultra Impact since I suddenly became a leader for a club I was in alone after everyone left, it's now full with 30 people appearing from s7 starting ig, but it gave me some responsibility to support the new players who decided that a weird club which name I can't even change from what last leader called it, so I might continue playing just to, at least, have all or the LoV characters fully leveled up just for fun

But in a way a need a break from Tomura. I had one or two when it was becoming unberable with how manga was going and with how things are... yeah

I have some sketches ideas but other than that... it's a bit hard to touch something LoV related right now.

I also don't think that doing something like this again is a way I want to cope with what happened - it happened and I already have two different posts about both how depressing and hopeful ch 419 is, and in the end both were true.

Nothing changed what happened in ch 419, Tomura just decided to destroy AFO when the plot wanted with Izuku and OFA together which is definetely something that people made theories of

He didn't get time to get at least something before he's gone and whatever happened with Nana was happened off-screen so we might as well see it as Tomura dying with his life never meaning anything, never actually having any purpose and only by helping to destroy AFO did he do at least something that helped others and was his own choice, but was it? Did he ever have a choice at all?

As it is now and will be for the end for MHA Tenko Shimura or Tomura Shigaraki never really had a choice in anything he did, not in a "I didn't have a choice!!!" dramatic way of how Nana Shimura left Kotaro. No. He didn't have any choices to choose from to begin with.

But with how Kurogiri still wanted to protect Tomura and reminded him of his friends at least it's not just the first part of the post that was right, in the end last words that Tomura said were connected to LoV and what he wanted to do for them, not that AFO was to blame for everything which is true still, but that LoV, even as broken as it is, is still a priority in Tomura's head after all this time of having AFO's quirk twist his mind and anything Tomura said outside of that headspace should've been carefully checked since it could've been AFO who's talking

It's not the ending for Tomura that people were hoping he'll get nor is it something that everyone will agree on, I can feel people arguing from here even if I didn't check Twitter or tags here on Tumblr to be sure. I don't need to.

So... those are my thoughts, a bit emotional in some places a bit chaotic in other, since my head is a mess right now and this was a way to say "this is it... are you happy?" to myself and answering it.

And the answer is no. I'm not happy. This arc, Tomura's personal arc and the way Izuku "helped" Tomura is still some of the worst things, even if I'm glad that this is over and I'm not obligated by myself to wait every week nervous that Tomura would suffer, and he did suffer, a lot.

From how his only way of getting his memory back was to suffer again to the fact that he had to suffer to get rid of his hate that AFO so carefully nurtured for 16 years. It wasn't great, especially since I joined after MVA was over and nothing after that was good to LoV getting worse every chapter from Twice dying and Toga learning that she'll probably die too, to Tomura never actually meeting LoV again as himself after he got AFO's quirk basically making him oblivious to the fact that Dabi is Toya or that Spinner followed what AFO wanted just to be useful, that Toga gave away her blood to save Ochako or that Dabi burned himself to death probably and Mr. Compress compressing parts of his own body. And the only person he saw before talking to Izuku was Kurogiri who was literally melting away at that very moment.

It's... a bit unfair.

Yes, villains lose at the end since we're reading a manga even if the manga itself isn't sure if it wants to go "no this is REAL" or go the way every shonen goes with the main character getting what they want. LoV lost at the end just because the manga needed them to lose, even if the way it was shown wasn't disrespectful to their character arcs, all of them making sense in the end.

It's still unfair that their only choice was to die and in a way bring everyone with them if they can, it was the way Dabi almost did it, it was the way both Toga and Tomura did, only for their respective Heroes - Shouto (and Todoroki family as whole), Ochako and Izuku being saved from dying from something that would've worked ONLY there and then. While the villains are not in the My Villain Academia version of manga anymore, so they don't have a way to survive anything like they did in MVA. For Toga, Twice and Tomura it was the only way to survive, if they weren't the main characters of that arc they would've died.

So, in the end it's miracle that we even had that arc in the first place with how Horikoshi wasn't planning for the villains to become the sympathetic characters for the fans - they were supposed to be just scary, and it's clear when you read stuff before volume 23 comes with MVA - they were always just evil and scary without any hope for us to get something out of it. You may say that the chapter with Toga helping Twice and having Tomura talk to them after the conversation with Overhaul was the first sign of Horikoshi not just showing them as those evil villains, and in a way it's true.

Nothing from before that arc actually helped LoV aside from showing some poins of "Dabi might me Toya" or first points of AFO and Tomura talking face to face. In the end everything important was in Overhaul arc and MVA tightly connected to each other.

I'm glad that for the 5 years of my life I've been analysing LoV and took my time getting every volume, I'll still hold them dearly. But aside from couple of chapters at the end showing us what happened to others... it's really the end of it.

With how long this post is I don't expect for people to read everything, since it was mostly just me talking about the new chapter for an hour and a half, sharing my thoughts, feelings and... whatever else there might be.

Because it was important thing in my life for a long enough time that I would miss it.

I can talk for hours more and just loop around this topic, but this is long enough post and I'm tired, but thanks for reading

I'm happy that this is over

#important #not art #bnha #bnha manga spoilers #mha 423 #personal post #personal thoughts #shigaraki tomura #I debated on do I want to tag him or not #but it is heavily Tomura related #tenko shimura #toga himiko #it's related to her too #for the past months I've been thinking a lot #what do I think of MHA what do I think of LoV and what do I think about Horikoshi and his writing #I enjoy it in a way #Izuku is still a good hero and I'm glad that he got what he wanted - he's a main character #but it doesn't make it any less sad that LoV were just obstacles for him and his friends even if they were just as well written #they would've had a terrible life after this final arc so at least they chose not to go through it #and I did read couple of good canon divergence or coping with canon fics for me to be okay with this like... they're probebly in the bar no #I wanted to add a screenshot from Ultra Impact at the end but I didn't it wasn't fitting there but I did rearrange some stuff #*sigh*#thank you #edit: fun fact I was listening to Might+U for the last half of this post this track is horrible for making me cry even more

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