#but I'd probably lose track of shit real easy

[delucadarling]

Current rambling thoughts on dieting/weight loss, nothing that's a downer:

Back in April I got blood test results that showed my cholesterol was high and my sugar was barely shy of being diabetic. It spooked the shit out of me, as despite being fat most of my life, I was also pretty healthy and somewhat active. It was after getting covid that I was so fatigued I dropped the active thing pretty much entirely.

The doctor was more focus on the sugar, and recommended cutting back simple sugars, adding in more fiber, and increasing my weekly activity.

I'd been wanting to get back into shape for a long, long time but I've been nervous about trying the gym again. My dad was one of those shithead people that secretly films people in the gym doing things 'wrong' or committing the sin of being fat in public. It had me terrified of trying to get fit where other people could see me, because you know, most people don't want to be mocked.

Lucky me, I have the most amazing, supportive girlfriend ever. She took me by the hand and very gently showed me around the gym, helped me learn how to use the machines, and didn't mind when I shadowed her around as she did her workout. From there, I got excited! I used to LOVE working out, I just mostly did simple stuff, running, and swimming. I did a lot of WiiFit when I was younger, and this one Jillian Michael's DVD I found at Walmart for like $5 at the time. Running was the big one though (hello Zombies, Run folks).

So just making those changes (less soda, more fiber, more exercise) over the course of maybe 3ish months I dropped almost 15 lbs. I hadn't been tracking my weight, but I did compare the results the doctor took from my previous three appointments. I was kind of shocked! I've never had a healthy relationship with weight loss, and every time I've tried to lose weight it lead to a lot of heartache, misery, and doubled weight gain. So I more or less wrote off my ability to trim down and decided to just be fat and happy.

I will say though, the extra bulk has recently frustrated me. I can't do yoga the way I used to. My limbs are still flexible but I keep getting blocked by my own fat. I have to go real easy on my joints because of all the extra weight, which is frustrating, because I'd honestly love to try jogging again. I just don't want to fuck my back and knees up again.

I decided to give losing weight another try, with a lot more self-love, after a lot more research, and with the support of someone who has loved me even at my fattest and never said a word about it.

It hasn't been too hard this time. I don't feel like I'm depriving myself. I am impatient, I want to see results NOW, but obviously that's not how things work. And slow is better anyway.

I know tumblr has a generally negative view on weight loss, and I fully include myself in that. I bought into the 'starvation mode means you'll never ACTUALLY lose weight permanently) thing, I was convinced anyone trying to lose weight had the same disordered ideas on it that I used to have (and still struggle with sometimes). It's a loaded topic for a hundred reasons, so I am trying to be conscious of when I talk about it and around who. Hence the tags and putting it under a cut. I'm happy and excited to be trying this out, putting my health first, trying to feel strong and capable in my body, but I absolutely know first hand how upsetting hearing about dieting can be. Not to mention how hard it is to avoid the more toxic side of trying to change your diet and fitness.

I've found a lot of resources that are very facts based, cut and dry, and leave out the moralizing behind weight loss and weight gain and just weight in general. There are a lot of very encouraging resources as well.

So yeah! As said, this is just a ramble, I like to write to get my thoughts down, and it always comes easier when it feels like I'm talking to someone, not just myself. I probably won't post a lot about this, but it's been just over a week since I started tracking my food and daily weight specifically, which always used to be something that would send me into a bad habit spiral. This time feels different. I've been doing fine. There have been a few moments of disappointment, but they've been easy to shake off. Mostly I'm just astounded to learn more about the macros involved in the food I eat, and I'm also happy to have tools to help me find portions that make me feel full and not stuffed. On the days I've been not kept to my deficit goals, it was because I was hungry and decided it was more worth it to feed myself than stick to a number and I didn't feel a bit of guilt about it afterward.

I'm pretty pleased with how it's going so far. I feel stronger, I feel more energetic, and tracking my food intake and weight makes the part of my brain that loves a spreadsheet very happy.

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

I'm so tired. I feel like my whole life I've been fighting to have a healthy relationship with food and my body, and I just can't do it anymore. I can't fight anymore. And it's so, so easy in comparison to restrict and obsess over tracking everything I eat

I'm dealing with symptoms of a currently unknown disability right now, and I'm so tired. I'm tired of doctors saying "wow, I have no idea what's going on, I've never seen labs like this... but I'm sure losing weight will help!" (Or, worse, "looks like everything's fine, just lose some weight!") It's become this belief that if I was skinny my symptoms would be taken seriously. If I was skinny I'd be able to figure out what was going wrong because doctors wouldn't rely on my weight to explain everything. I know logically there are lots of disabled people who are still ignored while being skinny, who still struggle to be taken seriously, but I can't shake this feeling that everything would be easier if I was skinny

It feels like my life is in the hands of people who don't give a shit about me. And they still probably wouldn't give a shit if I was skinny, but maybe they would. I don't know, I've never been skinny, so I can imagine that everything would be perfect if I was

It's definitely at least partially a desire to have control over my body, too. I can't stop my symptoms, I don't have the tools to figure out what's wrong on my own, but I can starve myself! It seems very silly written out, and it is, but knowing it's silly isn't enough

I saw in your about that you've dealt with comorbid chronic illness and eating disorders, so I guess I'm asking... how? That's probably already on your blog somewhere, actually, so I guess I'm just venting more than anything. Advice would be appreciated, though

God, I feel this so hard, anon. So so hard.

First of all, I am so sorry I have taken so long to get to this ask. Work, ny studies, and my personal life have all been overwhelming lately and I’ve been having to focus on some wellness work for myself.

But yeah. What you’re talking about is a REAL problem, and you are not alone. And the constant medical neglect of fat people and the “I’m sure all your mystery symptoms will go away if you just lose weight” is just the cherry on top of the shit sundae that is chronic illness. It hurts peoples’ lives. It can kill. I don’t have a quick fix for this system, anon, but I just wanted to take a moment to validate you because I know that what you’re going through is so frustrating and draining and soul-sucking. I am mentally sending you strength.

First of all, I might have one suggestion for you: lie. Lie to your medical professionals about just one thing, and no other: tell them you are already on a weight-loss journey, even if you are not. If it gets you the help you need in this system - yeah, fib a little. But then, explain to your doctors that the reason you are seeking treatment for your symptoms so proactively is that they are preventing you from doing what you need to do to lose weight. Yes, of course you really want treatment to improve your basic quality of life, but when you’re talking to your doctor, sometimes you gotta frame it in a way they’ll hear. Explain how each symptom has made you unable to pursue an active lifestyle. Or how you’ve been too fatigued to meal prep, or how your symptoms are costing you so much that you are struggling to budget for dietary changes. You don’t have to actually be planning any of these things, but if it gets them to continue pursuing the source of your symptoms, just lie. I know it’s so triggering and awful to have to do this just to get taken seriously, so set aside time to prioritize something that you find self-caring after this.)

I know you say your desire to control your body seems silly written out, but it’s not silly at all. I get it. I really really do because I have the same impulse. When your body keeps acting out of your control in painful ways, it’ll make you desperate. And when you’ve had the message pushed your whole life that being skinny fixes everything, it tends to stick in your mind. You are not alone. You are desperate and being driven by a valid impulse.

Instead of pursuing an eating disorder, remind yourself that eating disorders only give you the illusion of control. Eating disorders only pave the way for the disorder to get more control over you. Not to mention, starving yourself will likely take even more of a toll on your health, doing lasting damage if you lose a significant amount of weight from starving. You are allowed to love yourself more than that. I know it’s hard. I know it’s hard to keep fighting for yourself.

Are you in any chronic illness support groups, online or in person? If you aren’t, I suggest you find some. You may find a good outlet to vent about symptoms, get advice on what got doctors to take other people seriously, and learn more about your own symptoms.

While I don’t recommend starving yourself, you could try tracking your symptoms in relation to certain foods and see if specific food sensitivities worsened them (this was true for me.) For me personally, it helps to remind myself that these foods aren’t “bad” foods - they’re just not good FOR ME, and choosing the ones that make me feel better is a way of taking care of and loving my body. (If you find your symptoms do not change based on dietary experimentation, you can disregard this advice.) For me, it can be really triggering having to avoid certain foods, so I definitely have to take a pause to calm down and talk myself through it sometimes.

Things like meditation exercises, gentle yoga, de-stressing exercises and therapy will not cure your chronic health condition, but may help keep symptoms from spiking as badly because stress is known to exacerbate physical symptoms. (Easier said than done, I know - what you’re going through is stressful. I am not telling you not to feel stressed, just to try and create small pockets of time where you try to give yourself a break from stress, which may not come naturally and may be hard because you cannot go to a place of escaping your symptoms. Just keep trying patiently and be compassionate with yourself.)

Anon, I really really hope this gives you some sort of help and comfort, even though it’s not a cure-all and I did get to it so late. There’s more I could say based on knowing specific symptoms if you’re okay sharing them, but for now I’ll just leave it at this. Feel free to vent in my inbox any time.

[dzpenumbra]

4/6/23

I decided to do a sketch tonight, that kinda turned into a drawing.

I just got my new keyboard tonight, and I'm just going to give my quick review while that drawing kinda permeates a bit. The sensitivity and smoothness of the keys on this keyboard is phenomenal. Very smooth, very responsive. It's a mechanical keyboard. So... what I think that means is "we decided to deliberately make this keyboard loud as fuck so it sounds like you're playing games more aggressively." Which, of course, is making it sound like I'm firing off a fucking AA gun while I type this. It's legitimately distracting. It's not the worst thing in the world, it's just taking a lot of getting used to. Especially at 3:30 AM, I get really self-conscious about being loud and upsetting my neighbors.

Which is fucking weird because of how little they seem to care about being respectful with their noise... My neighbor to the left has a dog and occasionally has people over and is far from quiet. My other neighbor is a nurse (I think) and is not home often, but is far from quiet when she is. My upstairs neighbor blasts generic classical music at least once a week, I'm guessing it's a "date night" with her boyfriend or something, because the loud moaning noises around 11PM those nights are... less-than-subtle. I'm honestly probably the most quiet person in this cluster of apartments. But in my head, it's not those people I'm worried about, it's the X-factor, the people downstairs. I don't mind being loud for people that are also loud, I mind being loud for people who are quiet.

Anyhow, I'm still getting used to the keyboard and I am typing much slower because of it, making many more errors. It's a bit frustrating but it is what it is.

Today, I woke up to a message from a family friend. He's an artist, he lives in a town not far from me. He wanted to know if I wanted to get lunch. I wasn't out of bed until like 2, he sent the text at quarter to 8 in the morning. It didn't lead to anything, it was raining all day.

I. Hate. Having to explain. My sleep schedule. But I can't just make myself tired at midnight. These hours are my most creatively productive, and out of the entire day, the most and best work I've gotten done was past midnight. Hands down. I got work done on my hoodie - sectioning the zodiac, measuring the spacing based on the procession at the time of my birth, placing markers for planetary positions. And I did that drawing, which was cool. During the day, I have shit to do. And on nice days, I'd rather be outside. I'd much rather use my daylight hours to go outside and be in nature or be social or get chores done than sitting alone at a fucking desk working on a project. For real. And if that's the case, then when the fuck am I going to get work done?! Right? So... I compromise. I compromise daylight hours so that I can have some day, then devote the night hours to work.

Idk, maybe that's bullshit. Maybe I don't know why. Maybe because at night it's easy to completely lose track of time. Maybe because it's super quiet and peaceful late at night, less distractions, less interruptions. Maybe because I don't feel safe and I feel vulnerable at night. I don't know. All I know is that I have always naturally reverted to this schedule, unless I had a very clear reason not to.

I'm really tired of having to make excuses for being who I am. For living my life. Honestly. I'm just exhausted. To me, it's super simple. I'm on a night schedule, so if you're going to make plans with me, aim for the afternoon or plan early with me. That's really it. And it should really be as simple as that. And if it's really that weird that I'm on this sleep schedule, it should be really memorable... but for some reason, it just... isn't. I really need to get out of the habit of explaining my mental health and shit to get people off my back, it's really no one's business.

I'm completely losing interest in what I'm typing about. XD I'm legit just bored of stressing out about hypothetical situations that aren't even happening. It's so tiring. So... here's the big bombshell of the day, might as well get it over with. My mom texted me. She's been out of contact since the 17th of last month. We had a big fight, I hung up and told her lines of communication are severed until she can demonstrate that having a conversation with her is a safe place for me. I have no idea if she even knows what that means, but yeah. She just sent a sentiment message like... she wanted to be respectful of my space or something? And how she's thinking of me. Welp, maybe someday that "thinking" will translate into like... being supportive of someone with different tastes, views and goals than herself. Which apparently is a no-no in my family by default.

I strongly doubt she's put much time or effort into trying to address these problems. It's been years of this crap. She did like 2 family therapy sessions and then it just... stopped happening. She has gone to a whopping 3 or 4 therapy sessions of her own doing and just... stops going. You can't make someone put in the time and effort to work on family, or on themselves. Ever. You just can't do it. No matter how painful and powerless it makes you feel. And, unfortunately, I can't let my life keep being steered and restricted by those who don't even make the time to get to know me. Who have ironically had the duration of my entire life to do so, and simply chose to spend that time in other ways. It was very hard for me to accept that in the beginning, and it still hurts, but now I'm much more comfortable walking away. I have to be.

Why? Well... Because they would not wait around for me. If the situation was reversed, they would not wait around 3-4 years, enduring lashing out and threats and screaming and venting, for that person to finally learn how they can be a supportive, healthy family member.

It hurts me so much because. It's family. Because family isn't supposed to be like this. And I was in denial about this for so long. I just assumed that everyone else's family was like this, that this is what family is. And those corny, lovey-dovey families? They were fake, they were full of shit. They were hiding something. Or, I'd convince myself it was obnoxious or something, likely because of how overwhelming it was, because it was so fucking alien. Like... okay... I remember freshman year of highschool I had a friend and I remember his mother hugged me and I... didn't know what to do. I just went stiff as a board and stood there and I bet my eyes bugged out and it was like someone dropped me in a dunk tank of sensory overwhelm or something. That shit did not happen in my family, or in my life, really. So, stuff like that.

So... I guess once I hit my early 30's and really started to establish positive boundaries, like what kind of relationships I wanted? Shit like that? That's when shit started hitting the fan. Go figure, right? I get out of a super unhealthy relationship, I suffer my first encounters with Death - all in a very short period of time - I try to detox off benzos and start smoking weed at the same time... then I freak out - big fucking surprise... - and end up being sent to an outpatient program in a state retreat. There, I learn about like... mindfulness, and more obscure meditation practices, and... how incredibly dysfunctional my family is... and most importantly boundaries.

I studied hard, I learned a ton and then I came home. Within 4 months, the shit had already started to hit the fan with my family. Because I was actually being proactive about like... being clear about how people can and cannot treat me, I was setting boundaries and being vocal with my needs (which is also setting positive boundaries). And this affected more than just my relationships with family, this affected my "friendships" too. And within... 8 months? Every relationship in my life had ended. And not on good terms. Very often they ended with me just like the drawing I did tonight. Wide-eyed, depressed, but mostly in disbelief. In shock. "I flew to Florida to be your best man and you won't tell your friends about my stream, and you're putting your foot down about it?..." "You used to call me your best friend and you want to pencil me in to have a phone call... next month?..." "I just told you I'm full-on panic attack freaking out and you're... falling asleep?..."

Ugh, just reliving these quotes is a highlight reel I really don't need right now. These are all real things, the real ends to years-long relationships. I just don't really want to linger on this, this is a bit more painful than I thought.

It's easy as fuck to get mad at people and talk shit about people who do stuff like that. It's way harder to like... look past that crust layer of "my experience" and "how it affects me" and see how deeply ashamed they would feel if they looked into a mirror and actually saw the situation from my eyes. How they treated me so... distantly... so callously... like someone they were chatting with in the comments section of reddit or some shit. And yet said they were my "friend". I've theorized a few outcomes of this. These people truly just have very minimal conscience, or are just so caught in their ego, their own self experience that they barely even detect my life as existing other than how it fits into the framework of their narrative. "Main Character" syndrome. Or... their shame is so profoundly deep and profoundly repressed... that if they even got a glimpse of it? They would shatter or outburst. In short, either they can't see how fucked they have treated me, or they won't allow themselves to. And I'm starting to learn that... either way... I can't show it to them.

Not only is it dangerous for me to be the one that points out their shame or guilt - especially with people with unaddressed trauma, panic responses, etc. - but, honestly, it's not my job. My job is to work on myself, make things and tell stories. I'm not a preacher. I'm not a therapist. I'm not a bodhisattva. I'm just a dude who loves to learn and make cool things, who stumbles across really cool shit and wants to share it with people. I'm a good listener, I try to give good advice, I give all that I can afford to others and I am honest. But I'm learning that I need to like... set clear lines. Because some people will just... ignore them. And tell me I can't have them. Apparently, a lot of people will. And I need to be cautious about how truthful I am.

I hate saying that. But it's true. I need to be cautious about how truthful I am with people who are not in touch with their emotions. This doesn't mean to lie or deceive - only when there's like... a serious threat at play... - it means to just... stop talking.

I have learned that some people will thank you for letting them know they have spinach in their teeth... but some will scream and deny it, some will accuse you of making it up as a way of insulting them, and some will straight up attack you. And I honestly just can't wait until I end up around people in the first category. Then... I think I'll find my way into some healthier relationships.

Ugh, see what gets unraveled just by one text message. It didn't come from bad intentions, of course. I just wish my family would put a fraction of the effort they put into fighting and defending themselves into... learning how to have healthier relationships. You know?

Vibe reset time, gotta get to bed. I got more work on the hoodie done, it should be done... if I work on it tomorrow... probably 2 days? Maybe 3? Depends on how many coats I need. And I got groceries and a calzone delivered today which was chill. Running into the first person I've seen in like 3-4 days the hallway really jump-scared me, but that passed quick. The headphones help.

[sjweminem]

Is top surgery worth the lack of epic tits. Will I be real boy then

i promise that most people would tell you differently and they are the ones to whom you may want to listen more but. in MY experience???? god no. if i could go back i would never do it again- but i don't want you to get the wrong idea, you should probably get MORE of an idea re: why i feel what i feel and endured what i did. so. storytime about That Year (many of you already know which year 😭) but first i want to start on a light note because BOY do i know the epic tits struggle!! i was so proud..fuckin 5'8" with 32Ds that were so naturally perky even the surgeon commented on how that gave us options.....rest in peace god's greatest creation

AND!! before i begin! do keep in mind you do NOT have to get a wholeass mastectomy, i mean it's fat that hangs off your chest, no arbiter of maleness. you could totally go for a breast reduction down to the precise size/shape you want, then as for passing, depending on your clothes, binding would be easy as hell and for other clothes, not even necessary! i wish i had the foresight to do that

my surgery experience was traumatic (not the actual surgery, my doctor did an incredible job) but i was in for a slide leading, as months went by post op, into the year i. died forever (2015) as the person i was. simple. it began w being left with this tremendous, unfixable ribcage and sternum deformity that we always knew was there but my boobs were big and hid it- but getting that vest and bandages off was a horrible, horrible experience. facing what was underneath, what i had so been hoping would be a body that felt, perhaps, even more like my own, like all the experiences i'd heard and the big step it meant blah blah etc- i quit my AMAZING JOB for this! i thought i had an even bigger future!! but i fainted when i saw that deformity in plain sight, and one which turned out to be on THE most severe end of standard cases so i found little solace in looking up other images.......i was worse than all of them. and that future i had in reach and was kinda counting on eventually dropped me, too. zero life structure, just this frightening body to look at all day.

so naturally being on the schizophrenic spectrum i bodyslammed into a full blown, unrelenting dissociative/depersonalization state and effectively began cutting ties with my body (even going so far as to cut IT off lmao you can do some seeeeerious shit if you have analgesia!!! 😭 even still- like last month i tracked some major healing w photos and my left arm looked to be in fucking livor mortis.. another reason probably to not listen to how i answered your question). i stopped feeding the fuckin thing, thought i might lose enough weight to PHYSICALLY leave it??? overdosed on dilaudid that i shot up w one of my IM hormone needles & snorted ambien, sat on my floor day and night bloodletting into jars as much as i could get out of myself till approaching fainting, bc that jar of blood meant SOME part of me was able to escape! this is a VERY very condensed and censored little back-cover summary of what 2015 meant, and still does every minute of my life.

this is zero of what you asked for really, but i can't speak simply about the worst trauma i've ever endured (and i legit WATCHED my dad die), it is so heavy in me it rages in me physically i can't speak it quickly, and unfortunately it happens to begin with that simple operation, and i think you should know whom you're asking and what advice to perhaps take with a grain of salt..cuz if i PERSONALLY could do it all over again i never would have gotten that mastectomy, but that has sooooo much to do w my wildass unique factors!!

[kisekinodrabbles]

helloo! i'd like to request something for the prompt game please :D kasamatsu + band!au + strangers to lovers + dialogue number 14 if that's okay? thanks, sam! and welcome back~

ofc!!! i tried to keep it shorter but im a bit rusty w my kasamatsu hehe hope u enjoy! wc: 2.3k

Kasamatsu admits that balancing his band and college work isn’t exactly an easy task. Between late evenings spent at gigs and all nights at the library, he is on the brink of his sanity, standing right at the tipping point. He yawns as he enters his nine am mandatory calculus class, another mistake made in his overconfidence that he would somehow be able to get his shit together.

You, on the other hand, are a closeted fan of his band, sitting three rows behind him in class. Every Tuesday and Thursday, you watch him drag his feet in and his hand lifting to his mouth in a yawn. Quickly, you duck behind your book as if Kasamatsu would ever give you the time of day. The brunette is well-known on campus with his successful group and good looks, not to mention he also dabbles a little in basketball while also maintaining a decent grade point average across all his classes. Triple threat, they call him.

When you first came into class and saw him there, shocked is an understatement. You’ve been following his band his high school from across the country. To see him in the flesh, so real and so human with his tired eyes, it almost feels like a dream. One you hope nobody would ever pinch you awake from. Thus, you made it your goal to be there before him every morning, which is a feat in itself. Kasamatsu may be grinding through the night and falling asleep in lectures, but he’ll be damned if he shows up late to class.

Throughout several weeks, you’ve seen girls come up to him left and right, shot down almost immediately by his intention to focus on the professor’s words. He lets them down easy and makes it clear that he pays thousands of dollars to study, not play IRL Tinder. This man gets sexier everyday.

You take your time packing your things when class is over, mainly because you’re too distracted watching Kasamatsu do the same. He is blind, or chooses to ignore, the whispers and shy glances thrown his way. Perhaps this is why you haven’t approached him yourself. You’re just one of his many admirers, a stroke in the massive painting of his life. Sighing, you pick up your pitiful self and make your way to the dining hall where you’re supposed to meet your friend for breakfast.

When the two of you settle on a table, you begin your weekly rambling about how beautiful Kasamatsu looks in the morning. Moriyama, being the good friend that he is, nods and listens intently.

Moriyama is an intriguing character. The two of you met because he had tried a line on you. In your perpetual state of flustered embarrassment, you had stupidly confessed to him: “Sorry, my heart belongs to Kasamatsu Yukio.”

In another twist of fate, he revealed that he had actually gone to high school with the guy and knew him pretty well.

“You know I can introduce you to him, right? No need for all this pining and drooling from three feet away.”

“It’s not the same,” you argue, “he’s practically a living legend on campus. I’m too intimidated to even breathe in the same air as him.” Your obsession has perhaps taken you too far, but if you expect to continue being his fan, the last thing you want is to scare him away.

“You’re so overdramatic,” Moriyama rolls his eyes. Coming from him, this sentence means a lot.

“What? It’s not my fault Kasamatsu’s so hot. He could bang me so hard backstage then pretend I don’t exist and I would still pay to watch his next show,” you groan, spooning yogurt into your mouth.

In that moment, several things happen. Moriyama’s eyes widen and fly behind you. Footsteps sounding at that same spot suddenly cease completely. You, realizing what possibly just happened, feel the heat flare up your cheeks.

Kasamatsu, in his sleep deprived state and probably completely delirious, had stopped in his tracks. His head whipped around to the source of the comment, finding Moriyama sitting with someone who looks distinctly familiar, but he can’t quite put his finger on it.

“Kasamatsu—”

Before Moriyama can even finish his sentence, Kasamatsu is already blurting out. “Okay, maybe I’m crazy but did I just hear you say that out loud?”

You want to crawl into your hole six feet underground and never see the light of day again. Ducking your head, you don’t even want to chance a glance up. The utter mortification is chewing away at your bones and you wish you could just evaporate into thin air.

Moriyama quickly interjects with a quick laugh, “Hear what? Also how have you been, man? I haven’t seen you in forever. Come join us for breakfast.”

Kasamatsu’s brows pucker. Maybe he really is going insane. And horny. Which is a very bad combination. Nevertheless, he slides into the empty seat next to Moriyama. He stares at you for a few seconds, squinting, before snapping his fingers. “Oh, I remember now. You’re in my calculus class.”

He knows you? “How do you know me?” you squeak, cursing your fangirl self for losing your voice. You never speak up in class, always choosing to come up to your professor for questions at the end of lecture. You’re quiet and tucked away behind him, so you never expected him to recognize you.

The smile he sends you is blinding. Even with shadows under his eyes, he still looks gorgeous. “You’re always first to arrive and last to leave. Figured you’re a hard worker in class and probably acing it.”

Your mouth dries. Kasamatsu noticed you. He actually noticed you. “Oh, um, I’m okay. I’m okay in class, I mean.”

“The question you should be asking is her name, Kasamatsu,” Moriyama scolds, smacking his back.

Kasamatsu pinks sheepishly. “Sorry, yeah. I’m Kasamatsu Yukio, by the way.”

Idiotically, you blurt out “I know” before your name. When you finally introduce yourself, you also clarify, “I’m a huge fan of Blue Devils. I mean, I’ve been following you guys since like high school. Absolutely love your music.”

The man actually reddens even further, but still he beams proudly. “Thank you! That’s crazy. Have you been to our shows?”

Almost all of them. “A couple, yeah.”

“We have one tonight in an actual venue. Are you coming?”

“Ah, it was sold out before I could get a ticket, actually.”

Kasamatsu blinks, “Oh, you’re more than welcome to come. I can get you a pass. Both of you—if Moriyama’s interested.”

“That would be amazing!” You grin, “Is there anything I can get you in return? I don’t want to just accept a gift from you for free.”

“Well, if you are good at calc, I wouldn’t mind some extra tutoring,” he suggests with a teasing grin.

Moriyama rolls his eyes, “Just ask her out instead of using tutoring as an excuse.” The two of you sputter, face colored a dark shade of red. You’ll kick his ass when you get the chance.

—

That one mistake turned out to be the greatest opportunity of your life. In addition to attending his show that night and meeting all of his bandmates, each one more good looking up close than then other, you manage to have weekly study sessions (you’re holding off on calling it dates) with Kasamatsu. The two of you take turns booking rooms at the library to cram, which mainly consists of you reexplaining concepts to the man. Although he isn’t a bad student, he’s also still struggling a bit to keep up.

“Hey” is what you hear before you feel a warm surface press against your cheek. You look up to find Kasamatsu with a steaming cup in hand. Gratefully accepting it, you catch a whiff of freshly brewed tea. You take a sip and smile. Black tea, no sugar. “Just the way I like it.”

“Noticed you never add anything to your tea,” Kasamatsu says almost proudly.

You raise the cup to him in thanks. Both of you go through your usual routine—you focusing on reviewing material for next week while Kasamatsu pores over his notes from this week, occasionally poking you to ask questions.

Honestly, a big part of you still wonders if this is all a dream. This guy you’ve been crushing on for years is sitting in the flesh right across from you. You peek at him from time to time, watching the way he frowns at his book. His blue, almost grey, eyes shine underneath the flickering lights. Even the way his lips curl unhappily is cute.

When he catches you staring, you quickly drop your gaze back to your laptop, missing the way he smiles quietly.

“Will you come to our show this weekend?” He asks as the two of you pack up.

“Ah, I have a shift at my part-time job.”

He looks surprised, “That late?”

You shrug, “Food never sleeps, I guess. It’s at the burger diner by campus.”

“Oh, are you guys open late?”

“Close at one.”

He nods, “Maybe I’ll see you there after then. The guys usually get really hungry after a gig so we can drive some business your way. I’ll make sure they tip well too.”

Your heart warms at the thought. It’s a thoughtful gesture but you’re even more thrilled at the prospect of seeing him. “Sounds good.”

True to his word, Kasamatsu brings the guys to your workplace at midnight after their show ended. They order quite a spread, practically everything on the menu. Kasamatsu goes as far as to help you carry orders to their table. You shoot him an appreciative smile.

Over the time your friendship has bloomed, Kasamatsu has been nothing but a gentleman. He walks you home to your dorm if you’re studying late into the night. He meets you in class with a muffin or a cookie from his early Starbucks runs. Surprisingly, he begins placing himself next to you each session. “This is better anyway,” he mutters. “Two birds, one stone.”

His vague words had you tilting your head in question.

“I don’t have random people coming up to me to sit with me and, well, I get to enjoy your company.” It’s a nice thought—him enjoying your company, that is. He had blushed a little when he realized what you said, but chose to direct his attention to the slides pulled up before him, missing the way you hide your smile behind your sleeve.

Now, you hear the rowdy boys chattering on as they devour their meal as if it’s their last. They speak through mouthfuls of burgers and fries, but you find the sight endearing, mainly because you’ve never seen Kasamatsu so relaxed. It’s quite refreshing really. Your attention is piqued when you hear one of them ask: “So doing it tonight huh?”

Kasamatsu retorts with a “shut the fuck up” and flings a fry his way. The way the other guy wiggles his brows suggestively has you freezing. What if he was meeting up with someone tonight? What if he was going to do the deed?

Somewhere in the distance, you hear the faint cracking of your heart. Of course, Kasamatsu is popular. It’s no surprise he’s got his nights covered as well. You sigh dejectedly, feeling the hope inside you crumble into dust. The rest of your shift goes by rather uneventfully, but you try to avoid going to their table too much, lest you hear more details about Kasamatsu’s planned tryst. The man himself steals glances your way, wondering if you’ll be checking on them anytime soon.

“Your check,” you smile as you set the bill on the table, “I got the owner to give you a discount since you guys ordered a good amount.”

All of their eyes seem to sparkle as they thank you in unison, their synchrony almost puzzling. As you move to pick up the bill and change, Kasamatsu catches your hand before you move away. “What time does your shift end?”

“Half an hour. Why?”

The other guys are already packing up their things and giving you little waves as they exit the restaurant, leaving the two of you alone. “I’ll walk you home, it’s late,” he murmurs, fingers still wrapped around your wrist.

“Oh, you don’t have to! I usually take the bus back anyway so it’s no big deal.” You want to confirm whether he had plans that night anyway. You’d hate to be in the way of that.

He shakes his head, “I insist. Also, um, are you doing anything tomorrow?”

“Catching up on studying most likely.”

“Oh,” he pauses, “if you have time tomorrow night, do you want to catch a movie with me? Maybe dinner after?”

You blink at him in surprise. Now that you’re looking at him properly, you notice that his cheeks are several shades darker than the red neon glow of the diner sign. He’s shifting on his feet and his other hand finds purchase on the strap of his bag, fidgeting with the material. “Um, like a date?”

“Y-yeah,” he stutters slightly, his throat moving as he swallows. “Sorry, I probably should’ve made that clear,” he coughs, “b-but if you don’t want it to be the we can also go as friends.” Perhaps you’ve tortured the boy long enough but you can’t help but relish in his awkward chuckle as his hand lifts to rub the back of his neck nervously.

Biting back a huge grin, you nod. “It’s a date.”

Kasamatsu’s eyes light up and a pleased grin spread across his face. “It’s a date.”

The hollering outside the building has the two of you whipping to face the window where his bandmates have their faces pressed up against the surface, laughing and smiling to congratulate and embarrass their friend. Kasamatsu flushes, “I’ll see you later to pick you up.”

You nod but he’s already out the door, leaping to kick his friends away. “You stupid idiots!”

Laughing, you watch as the group makes kissy faces at Kasamatsu all the while the man fruitlessly attempts to shut them up. He really is cute.

[punkscowardschampions]

Janis & Jimmy

Janis: you're such a twat Janis: 👊🖕😡 Jimmy: bit rude Janis: what's rude is I'm stuck in biology Jimmy: tell 'em there's nowt they can teach you Jimmy: I've already done it, like Janis: gross Janis: but detention would probably beat this Janis: none of the skeleton army would be in there, at least, even if it's one of the less annoying ones Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: not like getting sent out is any sort of challenge Jimmy: or owt you need me for Jimmy: but I'm here without my muse 💔🎻💔 Janis: school trips are forced fun Janis: but I ain't feeling sorry for you Jimmy: come on Jimmy: gimme a bit Janis: get me something from the gift shop and I'll consider it Janis: #peakromance that Jimmy: duh Jimmy: saved my tips for days Janis: 😍😍😍 Janis: buzzin', love keyrings, me Jimmy: funny that 'cause I've never seen you use a key to get in anywhere Janis: exactly, like serial killer trophies for all the houses I've violated Janis: 😈 Jimmy: 😍😍😍 Janis: Seriously though Janis: how wank is it Jimmy: what's the scale? Janis: Hmm, good question, boy Janis: assuming we're talking about quality, let's say best case is that weird thing you did that one time that felt so good you're scared to do it again and become a fulltimedeviantTM and worst case is like finishing in a sock you'd already ruined earlier and forgot about Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: real poet you are Jimmy: gonna steal them words for my tripadvisor review in a bit tah Jimmy: it don't matter I still want you to show your face down here for me Jimmy: 🏃 girl 🏃 Janis: always the way Janis: should be making my own art but full time occupation 'inspiring' you Janis: that said, I don't think your teach is so concerned about your art suffering she'll forget I ain't in her class, like Jimmy: you are art baby Jimmy: can't call it a gallery if you ain't hanging around Jimmy: lots of other knobheads are though, get lost in a crowd and find me, barely a challenge Janis: 🙄 you are ridiculous Janis: but I get it, gotta have me on the wall asap Janis: I am really fucking bored Jimmy: direct quote me when you tweet later 💕 Jimmy: the 1 correction being against the wall Janis: performance art Janis: how bold of you 😏 Jimmy: can't let you stay bored Jimmy: ain't #goals Janis: true Janis: move fast in this place Janis: go away for one day and your 👑 is taken like that Jimmy: good thing you're such an athlete then, babe Janis: say I'm thinking about it Janis: I reckon you'd owe me Janis: more than a keyring, like Jimmy: alright Janis: you must really miss me Jimmy: shut up, I said alright Jimmy: are you thinking about what you want or just how you're getting here? Janis: maybe I wanted you to say you miss me sooooooo much and you've really shit the bed there, mate Jimmy: do you? Janis: you're alright Janis: I'm just getting chucked out Jimmy: 🏆💪 Janis: just saying, if I SOS you now, you've got no out 'cos I'm saving you, yeah Jimmy: weren't gonna say fuck off to an SOS anyway, IOU or nah, was I? Jimmy: not very romantic that Janis: 💕 Janis: always nice to use a bit of coercion and control though, however necessary Janis: keeps it fresh, babe Jimmy: 💌 got it in writing there Jimmy: you're saving me, I'll save you right back Janis: so quotable today, you Janis: you're meant to be all visual Janis: 📷=1000 you know Jimmy: keeping it fresh like you said Jimmy: besides Jimmy: [sends her a pic of a half done done drawing of her he's working on instead of what he's meant to be doing] Jimmy: 🎨 = 1000 euros easy, mate Janis: damn Janis: I'm on my way Janis: you didn't have to be actually talented and cute about it Jimmy: 💕 Jimmy: don't run too fast I've gotta finish and stick it up on a bit of blank wall first Janis: I won't Janis: even if I'll admit I have missed seeing your face about here, like Jimmy: it's the accent really Jimmy: I get it Jimmy: paddy lingo gets a bit samey when it's not !!!!!!!!!!!! Janis: yeah, your dulcet tones really do it for me Janis: what can I say? nice not having to pretend I can understand what you're chatting Jimmy: I know but tah for putting it on record Janis: you ain't allowed to put that in any sort of review, soz Jimmy: I won't, you can do better Janis: I'd say thanks for the faith but we all know you're just being cocky Jimmy: don't sound like me that Janis: no? Janis: sorry, who am I speaking to again Jimmy: 👻 lad Jimmy: cause of 💀 that brutal bit of #bants Janis: oh right, casper well can you get someone in here who is a bit cocky Janis: no offense but you're too nice for me, like Jimmy: 💔💔 Janis: see what I mean Jimmy: so demanding you Janis: yeah and what Jimmy: not part of the deal, were it? Janis: what wasn't? Jimmy: owt #ungoals Janis: do YOU know who you're talking to rn Jimmy: hang on, I'll get it Jimmy: starts with a J? Janis: 🖕 Janis: dickhead 😏 Jimmy: I do miss you Jimmy: no need to get a big head or make it weird but just Janis: I know Jimmy: do you know now's when you say it back Janis: I said it earlier! Janis: weren't you listening Jimmy: and what you're live tweeting? that character limit'll fuck you every time, gutted Janis: just saying Janis: we're even Janis: but I'll say it again if you want me to win, like Jimmy: how's that work? if you say it again I win Jimmy: it's me that wants to hear it Janis: rude that you want me to lose then Janis: but it don't feel like losing to me so Janis: I missed you Janis: more than I should, I reckon Jimmy: 🥇 or nowt Jimmy: nowt personal Jimmy: and I reckon you miss me the decent amount considering, like Janis: it's cool, I get to be #1 best gf ever and you can read about the shit job you're doing in my subtweets, like Janis: and what was that about not getting a big head? 🤔 Jimmy: do as I say not as I do, girl Jimmy: the northern approach to dating there for yous Janis: how's that worked for you so far Janis: #toosoon? Jimmy: 💔💀💀💔 Jimmy: #savage Janis: just sayin' Janis: don't reckon you should be going to your da for that advice Jimmy: too soon for me to be lining up the next girls who might fall for the looking at 'em instead of the paintings bollocks? Janis: 'course not Janis: got your pick of the art hoes, they'll lap it up Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: I'll crack on then Janis: I'll go home then Jimmy: I'll meet you there in a bit then Janis: 😑 Jimmy: it's alright save your enthusiasm for the IRL Janis: you're so annoying Jimmy: 💕 Janis: do you want me there or what 'cos I'm out Jimmy: do you wanna be here or what? Janis: obviously Janis: sounds like a blast Jimmy: so come on Janis: don't be a twat Jimmy: join the fun Janis: awh, you think I'm not always a twat Janis: how sweet Jimmy: you might have a couple of decent mins per day Janis: 💕 Jimmy: [snap] Janis: was about to say can't say the same for you but at least you're funny Janis: 😂 Jimmy: 😘 Janis: soz to break up your suck sesh but already on the bus so Jimmy: she'll be done soon Jimmy: no energy Janis: draining yours boy Jimmy: if she ends up swallowing my soul have a word with your god for me Jimmy: weren't my fault Jimmy: 🤞 she'll spit Janis: that's exactly the kinda sentiment that's keeping you out of heaven Janis: I ain't ruining my chances, soz Jimmy: 🎻🎻 Jimmy: have to keep badgering you for that 💀 death pact, eh, Juliet Jimmy: doing yourself in still a sin, yeah? Janis: last I checked Janis: he's not doing edits still, like Janis: 'less you wanna join one of those weird ones Jimmy: 👌👍 Jimmy: #datenight is still on 🔥💕 Janis: 😂 Janis: got a whole list to get through Jimmy: [sends her a pic of that drawing of her finished and stuck to the wall cos he's a nerd] Jimmy: just wiped my to do one til you get here Janis: Impressed Janis: but only a few minutes away so don't pat yourself on the back too hard yet Jimmy: 😏 Jimmy: why would I when I've got you to do it for me Janis: not what I had in mind but alright Jimmy: gotta keep that one track mind of yours on a heavenly track, babe Jimmy: not gonna be your ruin unless you ask for it Janis: but I don't wanna talk Janis: or pray Jimmy: if you look like you're praying that might get the job done Jimmy: try it Janis: boy Jimmy: What? Janis: I'm trying to focus here Jimmy: if you ain't up for the challenge Janis: shut up Janis: 'course I am Jimmy: don't sound like it Janis: you want me to do it now Janis: I was waiting 'til I got there but alright Jimmy: alright, shut up Janis: not really feeling the randoms on this bus but you know Jimmy: hang on, I'll get the orchestra Janis: got a few stops for someone hot to get on Janis: don't cry for me yet Jimmy: but I'm so close to tears Janis: I'll get you there baby Janis: 💕💔 Jimmy: #ultimategoals Janis: you know it Janis: so 🍀 you Jimmy: [tweets something extra about how lucky he is lol] Jimmy: now they know it an' all Jimmy: so welcome you Janis: 😏 Janis: so whipped too but can keep that between us Jimmy: 👍 Janis: right, coming in, where are you lot so I can avoid Jimmy: I'll do a slow mo run to the entrance Jimmy: 1 sec Janis: if anyone asks, I don't know you Jimmy: kissing strangers is fun, don't blame you Janis: try not to let on that you're that bored already Jimmy: 🤐 Jimmy: can stay between me and you Janis: can't let the fans down, like Jimmy: [appears and kisses her really dramatically only for the fans tho obvs] Janis: [sure guys lmao] Jimmy: [take your excuse to be really extra boy cos the fans are gonna love this can't deny it] Janis: ['hey, stranger'] Jimmy: [😏 and more kisses because always] Janis: ['come on then' like lead the way so we aren't just in the entrance like hello] Jimmy: [casual hand holding moment obvs he leads her to pose with the drawing cos we can pretend that's for the fans but really he wants it off the wall cos don't think its that good, oh boy I feel you] Janis: [such a proud little nerd face] Jimmy: [lowkey can't look at it or the bae so good thing he's 📷] Janis: [looks at the pics and does a 👍 too] Jimmy: [take the pic down and run to another part of this gallery] Janis: [when you're doing your best serious art appreciation impression looking at all the paintings like 🤔] Jimmy: [just loling at her cos you're already having more fun in these few mins than you have the whole time you've been there so far] Janis: [shushing him dramatically, probably making more noise than his lol 'this is a museum, show some respect'] Jimmy: [giving her a look like make me and saying 'or what?' as standard] Janis: [you know those doublesided benches they always have in the middle, casually pushing him down on that for a lap makeout moment] Jimmy: [such a mood, not soz other visitors] Janis: just getting tuts from the random old people who loiter everywhere in the day lmao] Jimmy: [doing the most to annoy them even more when he hears the disapproval cos 100% that bitch] Janis: Same honestly Janis: like don't test 'em lmao Janis: [] Jimmy: [so well suited you two] Janis: ['can I keep it?' the pic, obvs] Jimmy: [takes it out of his pocket and puts it into hers] Janis: ['big head, like' but really you just like it 'cos he did it] Jimmy: [kisses her on the head 'you can pull it off'] Janis: ['nerd' but kisses him back and it's way more soft than before when she was going in] Jimmy: [we love a soft moment] Janis: ['it's so boring when you're not there...and shit' Jimmy: ['should've taken art' gestures around with an unimpressed face 'never boring that'] Janis: ['I can see' 😏 'well if I knew there was gonna be a hot new boy, OBVIOUSLY I'd have picked different'] Jimmy: ['I get it, even a know it all like you weren't gonna see me coming, that #special, like' but kissing her neck as he says it all cos we both know he thinks she's sooo special bye] Janis: ['Obviously, new boy' #intoit and moving his hands to around her waist] Jimmy: [pulling her closer to him 5ever as he carries on] Janis: ['Okay, okay, I really missed you'] Jimmy: [makes a happy sound because can't not] Janis: [kissing his ear so she can whisper not 'cos she gives a fuck about anyone else here, clearly, but 'cos vulnerable so gotta say it quiet if you're gonna, 'it was like before when I didn't know you, or when you weren't here and I hated it'] Jimmy: [probably can't pull her any closer but tries to and holds her really tightly because not going anywhere and just the softest kisses ever] Janis: [shaking her head like pull yourself together bitch and changing the pace] Jimmy: [going with it cos he gets it being vulnerable is shit and hard]] Jimmy: [I can just imagine some art hoe putting them on her stories like she don't even take art!] Janis: [she doesn't even go here, regardless being like 'come on' 'cos take me somewhere we can actually do this] Jimmy: [should we let them actually leave? cos better option than bathrooms and the point of her showing up has been made] Janis: [why not, live ur dreams kids] Jimmy: [getting in trouble together is their thing] Janis: [hell yeah it is, and being talk of the town #standard] Jimmy: [1000% several art hoes saw them going into the bathroom and we know it] Janis: [gossipy hoes, even if none of the actual squad take it, some of their lesser friends blates do for the fashun vibe] Jimmy: [get in the gift shop after and piss about and shade their art hoe aesthetic] Janis: [all the socials lmao] Jimmy: [he steals her a keyring cos not gonna spend money but she's gotta have one] Janis: [💕 tbh] Jimmy: [now go have some actual fun and alone time kids]