#but I’m so tired of felling so lonley all the time

[devils-little-sista]

.

[kiegosbby]

all good stories have bad endings.

I’m going to make this a two part story, one with a good ending and one with a bad one, so if you want a happy ending, go here.

warnings:breakup, crying, drinking, cutting, implying suicide.

✁- - - - - - r- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

you were silently cooking dinner at your and your boyfriends apartment, he had been on a long mission and today was the day he was coming back. You were beyond excited, after not seeing the love of your life for months, you were absolutely bursting from how excited you were.

you were making his favorite dish, which was obviously any sort of chicken. your back was tired, from getting everything ready for him. the papers saying the fight was over and the hero’s had won, you were relieved of course, hawks couldn’t have any contact with you when he was on the mission so that’s how you found out.

he would be home soon so you started plating the dishes, and set them on the table. you sat and scrolled mindlessly on your phone, before you heard the doorknob jiggle. he was finally home, after all these months after the tears, the Lonley nights you stayed awake hoping he was ok, he was finally home.

you jumped up from your seat and went to meet him at the door.

he opened the door, dragging a suitcase in and he had a tired look on his face. he looked up at you and you quickly saw his facade change from tired to sadness, quickly back to tiredness, this time adding a little annoyance in it. He let out a annoyed huff

you went to give him a hug, a little confused from what had just happened, and even more confused when he pulled away from your hug.

“Is everything ok keigo?” you were a little hurt youd admit it. after all these months and all you got was a huff? anger started to stir in you as you waited for his response.

“why are you still here? Didn’t you get the hint when I didn’t reply to you at all?” he crossed his arms in front of him, giving you the most annoyed look he could muster.

you looked at him with confusion, rage, and disbelief. how could he say all this? after everything you’ve done for him. how much you helped him. you couldn’t believe this

“keigo this isn’t funny. I’ve waited for you for months and did so much for you! you can’t be serious?” your voice betrayed you and squeaked slightly at the end.

“do I sound like I’m trying to be funny y/n? I’m sorry that you thought I wanted you to wait but I’ve ignored you for months y/n. Get the hint and get out.” he looked bored? you were far past angry now. how dare he do this to you? how could he? he was your everything. everything you’d ever want from anyone. without him you were nothing. no one.

“I’m sorry I misread the situation.” your voice was a whisper, and you held back tears as you quickly ran to your shared room, packing everything you could see. Tears fell, and you quickly made your way to the exit of the apartment. you turned around before leaving, spotting hawks at the balcony, looking into the sunset.

you walked up to him and looked down at your feet.

“I hope your making the right choice hawks. I was the only one that was ever there for you. and now you’ve lost that to.”

you turned to walk away, before turning your head over your shoulder quickly.

“burn in hell”

you thought you heard a sniffle, but stormed away before thinking twice.

you walked down the empty streets, sobs running your body. the wind hit your skin as you walked, it felt good, at least you weren’t numb. you walked for what felt like hours, thoughts rushing through your mind and when you finally stopped for a second to see where your legs had taken you, you saw a small store and you were at the edge of town.

you walked in with puffy eyes looking around. Eyes landing on the alcohol isle, and walking towards it. you strolled down the isle and picked a bottle of whisky out. keigo always loved whiskey so you grew accustomed to it. you quickly checked out and started wandering around town again, downing the whisky in chugs.

you ended sitting on a worker catwalk on a bridge, having a view over the city. you looked through your bag for a jacket. even though you loved the coldness, you wanted to be warm. Warm again.

as you were looking through the bag, a knife fell out. you almost laughed as you picked it up. it was the knife hawks made you carry around when you went out alone. he wanted you to be safe. you set it down and continued looking through your bag.

you took your jacket out and as you pulled it on, one of hawks feathers fell out. you picked up in awe, and brushed your fingers along the soft feather. sobs started to overtake your body again. as much as you missed him, and how much you hated him at this moment, you wanted him badly. to hold you and tell you everything would be ok.

you put the feather down in your lap and grabbed the knife from your side, opening it slowly. you ran your finger up the blade, making your finger drip with blood, it was sharp, and you had a quick thought.

maybe your mind was clouded from the whisky, but you pulled your sleeves up, giving the wind access to your skin.

you grabbed the feather and put it up to your face, giving it a kiss.

“I’m sorry kiego. I didn’t mean what I said when I left. I know you don’t care but I wanted to say g-goodbye before I did anything. I’m sorry if I did anything to make you want me to leave, but you were my happiness keigo... you were everything I ever needed and everything I ever wanted. and now that your gone, I have nothing to live for. I’m sorry, I hope you live a happy life..”

you put the feather down and grabbed the knife again. funny how good things can turn badly so quickly.

this morning you were bursting with excitement and now here you were, sitting on top of a bridge, with a knife in your hand. how stupid could you be? you and him would never last.

you brang the knife to your arm and slowly dragged it down your arm. your blood seeped from your skin as you slowly killed yourself.

blood dropped into the feather and you quickly did the other arm. with all the power you had left you brang the knife to your throat.

“I’m sorry”

you quickly made a slit in your throat and saw the blackness incass your vision. you fell backwards and took in the last sight before you before you were gone.

[thirsty-pixie]

Richie x Reader

Part 1

Part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6

I know Richie is gay in the movie but I do what I want lmao. This is kinda something I've had rolling around in my brain for a while.

Back story: Y/n is a creature similar to it, she was born from her mother which was human but her father was Pennywise. It was getting lonley and wanted to have someone else who could live as long as him and keep him company. Though humans were much to fragile and died quickly he decided to impregnate a Woman. The pregnancy nearly killed the woman leaving her bound to a wheel chair. The child received some of its abilities like strength, speed and she feeds off of fear, she is also connected to it physically. When it gets hurt she feels the pain and she is immortal, she stops physically aging at 36. She feeds on fear but not by eating children, just being around someone who is scared is enough.

Last day of school.

Is was the last day of school and I was already sitting outside of the front doors watching the students leave the building. Mrs. Ripsom was waiting put in the road with the police looking for her daughter. I still remember the blood on my dads chin when I walked in on him eating and the sickening thud when poor Betty fell to the ground of the sewer. He never let me see him eat and that day I found out why. I seen four familiar boys walk out of the building Bill, Stan, Eddie, and Richie.

I enjoyed hanging close to this group because Eddie, he was a hypochondriac and was always scared of something. I watched as they walked passed me Eddie looking up at me then quickly back down to his feet. I chuckled shaking my head,the walked over to a trash can to dump their bags which was a common thing for kids to do after school let's out for the summer. The door opened again this time Bowers and his gang walked out, Patrick winked at me like always as they passed earning an eyeroll from me.

They walked towards the four boys who were starting to walk home. I felt something snap when Bowers grabbed Richie's bag and pulled him backwards into Stan. Within a few seconds I was standing between Bill and Henry, I heard Richie say shit when I shoved Bowers back. "The fuck is your problem" I yelled at Henry causing him to get angry, "it's none of your business now be a good little bitch a run along." He stepped closer but I didnt back down.

"I'm sorry. Did I stu-stu-studer? I said run along." He tried to push me with his chest but I didn't budge "you don't scare me Henry" suddenly fear radiated from Henry as he looked behind me make eye contact with his dad. "This isn't over losers!" He huffed before turning to leave. "Holy shit! Do you have a death wish? He will literally kill you" I turned and Looked at Eddie and shrugged. "I'm not afraid of Henry he's just a scared little kid" I stuffed my hands in my pockets and looked at Richie and Stan who looked shocked. "I'm Y/n.... by the way" I smiled and began walking away.

I heard the four of them running to catch up with me "that was totally cool" I looked down at Richie how was now walking next to me "I mean he's honestly not that scary...." even though he was only a couple years younger than me he was pretty short. "So I'm Stan, that's Bil, Eddie and hes Richie." Stan walked on the otherside of me introducing everyone. I smiled and kept walking "where are you going?" I heard two of them ask in unison. "Well I gotta get home to my mom and hang out with her until the next nurse comes..... theres a gap in the shift change." I mumbled the last part and I turned the street.

"What's wrong with you're mom? She a vegetable or something?." Richie blurted. I heard someone punch him followed by and ouch causing me to laugh. "No she's just in a wheelchair so for an hour after school I take care of her then the night nurse comes." I looked at the Four who had slowed their pace and walked behind me. "Then I think tomorrowim gonna go swimming" I stopped at my driveway and looked at the boys who were following me like puppies. "W-w-well we are going to gu-go to to the ba-barrens. Want to come?" I smiled at Bill and Richie flung his arm over Bill's shoulder "yeah we can stop by here and get you then hit up the quarry after the barrens" I nodded "yeah I'll see you all tomorrow then"

I walked inside to see my mom asleep on the couch, I covered her with a blanket and turned the tv off. I went to my room and changed into my workout outfit and waited till the night nurse arrived. "She's been asleep since I got home I made her dinner it's in the oven.." the nurse smiled and I walked out of the house. I began jogging to the sewer drain that was closest to my dads hideout.

I looked to make sure nobody was watching before I slipped inside. The walk wasn't long before I heard him humming. "Daddy?" The humming stopped when I spoke and he popped his head around the corner in his human form. I smiled and walked into the large room hugging my father he smiled at me and kissed the top of my head. "How was your last day of School Y/n" I shrugged and looked up at the children floating some with missing appendages. "It was fine....Daddy must you display them like they are trophies..." i frowned and he sighed looking down.

"I'm sorry its how I lived for a really long time it's hard to change....." I nodded and flopped against the pile of toys. It sat next to me and sighed "so I've told you how I used to sleep for 27 years at a time..." his voice was shaky and he spoke slowly causing worry to build up inside me. "Yeah.." I rolled onto my side and looked at him, his eyes had prominent dark circles and he looked exhausted. "I'm getting weak and tired and I will be going back to sleep for another 27 years in about a month or so..." he scanned my face as I sat up.

"So you're leaving me for 27 years?! Mom wont survive another year.... what will I do?" I stood up and glared at him. He stood up and hugged me "I know I'm sorry I stayed as long as i could. You'll be ok you're strong just promise me you'll come back when I wake up...." I had started crying when he hugged me but by the time he finished I was sobbing. "I'm going to miss you Daddy...." I knew he was a horrible monster but he was my father.

~~~Time skip~~~

I had on my black and red backpack on that I had filled with snacks, I sat on my stairs with my bike waiting for the boys to come by. After about 15 minutes I heard Richie's loud mouth about a block away so I stood up and got on my bike. "Ready Chicka?" Richie asked and I nodded smiling, the barrens was only a 5 minute ride from my house so. We walked down the trail and to the drain pipe that fed into the creek, I could smell the rotting flesh unbeknownst to anyone else. My senses were 100 times better than an average persons.

I scrunched my nose at the smell and followed Bill into the drain listening for my dad. I heard Eddie complaining about the water and laughed when I heard Richie say it doesn't smell like caca to him. Bill picked up Betty's shoe and turned around, "guys" every one froze and looked at Bill. I zoned out remembering seeing my dad as a clown mouth dripping in blood, I was brought back to reality when I head someone scream for help. The screaming continued but they sounded like painful screams like someone was hurt, no one else could hear it.

Moments later a kid came splashing down the creek falling into the water a few feet away from us. "Oh shit" we all rushed over to the kid to help him, I could feel his fear from back where I was standing before I went to help and the closer I got the more invigorating it was. I was in bliss as he rode on my pegs to the drug store, we stopped in the Alley leaning the bikes against the wall as Eddie looked at Ben's stomach.

They rushed inside leaving Ben, Richie, and I out in the alley "glad I got to meet you before you died" I looked at Richie and hit his arm playfully. He looked at me confused "not nice" I said before lifting Ben's shirt again. "Fucking Bowers.... I'm gonna kick his ass for this" before Richie could say anything the guys came rushing out their arms full of supplies. "What'd you do rob the place." I watched as Eddie meticulously tended to his wound, a few moments later I heard someone coming through the alley.

"You ok that looks like it hurts" I looked up seeing a redhead girl standing next to Bill I tuned the rest of the conversation out as I walked to the end of the alley. I popped my back and watched as people walked along the side walk oblivious to horrors that lay below the streets the drove and walked walked on. "Y-yo-you coming Y/n?" "Yeah pull your head out of the clouds and kets goooo" I smiled at Richie and Bill as I walked back to my bike.

Posted 9/30/2019

Part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6

[god--baby]

wish you were here (nsfw)

belch huggins x ambiguously gendered reader

anonymous requested: How about the reader leaving Derry for college and after weeks of being horny and lonley, Belch drives to his s/o to surprise them at 3am at their dorm?

and i love this so much!!!!!

feat. my first nonbinary oc!!!!

word count: 3280

tag list: @tonguepopperr @heckstetter

It had been too damn long. Sure, you were only in Portland, but still. Phone calls and texts just weren’t enough.

You missed Belch like someone had cut off one of your arms. That’s just the way things were between the two of you. You functioned like a matching set, and to separate the two of you… it just wasn’t right.

That night, you sat up in your dorm, alone. Taylor, your roommate, was out for the night hopefully getting their brain fucked out. It had been over a week, and they had been getting antsy.

Around three a.m., you looked up from your assigned reading to your phone lighting up.

3:06am. From: Belch ♥

Miss you so fucking much baby

You smiled, shooting off a response. If he was already awake, there was no harm in keeping him up a little bit longer.

3:07am. To: Belch ♥

Wish you were here, babe

You put your phone down and went back to reading, highlighting yet another beautiful turn of phrase. Your phone went off again.

3:08am. From: Belch ♥

Well good news then

Tired, you could barely process what that meant.

3:08am. To: Belch ♥

?

3:09am. From: Belch ♥

I’m at the door. I need you to let me in.

You pushed back your chair, shocked. Then, you rushed downstairs, running a hand through your hair to try and make it seem like you hadn’t been tearing it out, trying to understand your homework.

And then — yeah, there he was, standing outside the glass door to your dorm, looking around, looking at his feet. You took a shaky breath and opened the door in front of him, and he jumped just a little bit, then smiled, right at you.

When he was inside the building, you threw yourself into his arms, not kissing him, just… smelling him. Breathing in the scents that you hadn’t had for months. Motor oil and laundry detergent and grass. A little bit of smoke.

Tears pricked your eyes and you let out another breath that turned into a sob.

“Hey, now,” he said, one hand on the back of your head, “hey, now, I got you. It’s okay.”

You sniffled.

“I know,” you said. “I know, I just. Missed you so much.”

For months, you’d been tucking it away, just how much you missed him. For months, you’d been pretending you didn’t. For months, you’d just been jerking off and pushing your feelings aside because if you let yourself have them, things weren’t great. Once, at the beginning of the semester, you’d missed Belch so much, and Derry, and even the other guys, that you’d gotten sick, and laid in bed silently crying and sleeping it off for a week.

A week. An entire week.

So you didn’t let yourself think about it anymore.

But now, he was here. There was no running from it.

“It’s okay, baby. Take me to your room?” he said.

“Okay,” you said.

You took him by the hand and walked him up a couple flights of stairs to your room. In the hall a group of guys roughly Belch’s size and shape who’d never even looked your way gave you a once-over and then nodded to Belch. You rolled your eyes and tugged Belch on toward your room.

You got there, ushering him inside and shutting the door behind you. He looked around, assessing your space.

“So this is home right now, huh?” he asked.

“Yeah,” you laughed.

You were nervous to have him see it. It was messy and utterly sentimental and half of it wasn’t even yours, covered in punk band and horror movie posters that Taylor loved more than their life.

“I like it,” he said.

You sighed.

He sat on your bed and held out a hand for you. You went to him, standing between his spread legs. He kissed you, just a gentle press of his lips to yours.

You sighed into it, winding your arms around his neck. You’d waited a long time for this kiss.

It felt like the first kiss you’d ever had with him. He always took his time with you, always made sure you were entirely on board before he did anything. Back then, you’d been going out on little dates here and there for a couple weeks before he’d actually asked you if he could kiss you, eyebrows together, so worried that you’d say no.

You hadn’t said no. And the rest was delicious history.

In the present, you stood between his legs, hands on the sides of his neck, kissing him like you had to memorize the moment, like you had to remember this forever because, well. You did. He’d be gone again soon, and you’d be alone again, surrounded by people who couldn’t hold a single flame to him. You wanted to remember all of this, pull little bits of it out of your head when you needed them most.

You slid your tongue up against his, licking at his lips, his tongue, the roof of his mouth. Your fingers threaded through the short hair on the back of his head.

“C’mere,” he said, lips ghosting over yours.

He hauled you up by your armpits into his lap. You straddled him, suddenly taller than him. You bent your head down to kiss him again. He wrapped his arms around your middle, pulling you tight to him.

“Let’s get you out of these,” he said, tugging on your clothes.

Without another thought, you pulled your shirt off over your head. He groaned, ran two fingers down the center of your chest. Then he leaned in and licked one of your nipples, pinching at the other with his fingers. You sighed, determined to keep the noise to a minimum. You’d heard a lot of your classmates having sex before, and you didn’t necessarily want to be just like them.

“You’re gonna be nice and quiet, aren’t you?” Belch asked.

“Uh huh,” you said.

“That’s fine, baby,” he said, lips brushing your skin. “Take off your pants.”

You blushed as he set you back on the ground and you took off your pajama pants and underwear. As you did, he hopped off the bed and started undressing, hanging his hat on the bedpost and kicking off his sneakers. He took his flannel off and his shirt, ending with his jeans and boxers.

Then, he held up a finger and dug around in his pants pockets, getting his wallet and pulling a condom out of it.

You grinned, glad he was prepared. You weren’t. There was really no need for you to have protection if the only person you wanted to fuck was nowhere near you.

He got on the bed again and you climbed up on top of him, kissing him, sweet and soft. You ground down on him, back and forth over his cock.

You took the condom from him and ripped it open with your teeth, rolling it on him to the sound of his quiet laughter.

“Wow, you really missed me, huh, baby?” he asked.

“Sure did,” you said. “Finger me?”

“I can do you one better, baby. Come sit on my face.”

You grinned down at him and walked on your knees, up to kneel on either side of his head. This put you an arm’s length away from the wall, and you put both hands on it, steadying yourself as he slowly ate you out, pushing his tongue into you and pulling it out again.

After a minute of that, you were shaking, overwhelmed.

“Fuck me,” you whined. “Please, Reggie.”

You felt him smile under you.

“Okay, baby. C’mon.”

You walked on your knees back to his hips. He took his cock and lined up with your hole and pulled you down on him with one hand on your hips. You swallowed hard, swallowed a moan. Sure, it was three in the morning, but people were still awake. You wanted to shout, you wanted to scream, but you couldn’t.

You didn’t want anyone to share this moment with you and Belch.

He pulled and pushed you up and down on his cock, slowly fucking you.

And god, it was so good. After months of nothing more than your own hands, your own fingers, this was overwhelming. It was almost more than you could handle.

So you laid down on his chest, moaning into his shoulder. He took the opportunity and your bared neck to bite down on it for a moment, then suck a hickey into your soft skin. He held you still, moving his hips to keep fucking into you, short thrusts.

He slipped a hand between the two of you to stroke at you, fast but soft.

You came with a short moan, your eyes screwed shut.

He came right after you, your name on his lips.

You both lay there, breathing hard, for a moment. Then he moved to pull you off his cock, and you put a hand on his chest.

“Stop,” you said. “I — I want you in me for a little while longer.”

He smiled.

“Okay,” he said.

So you laid like that, him still inside you for a few minutes. Finally, you pulled yourself off him with a little wince. Then you took the condom off him, tying it and dropping it in the trash can at the foot of your bed. You flopped down next to him and he chuckled, reaching down by your feet to get the blankets, pulling them over the both of you, pulling you tight up to his chest.

Without another word, you fell asleep together.

You were woken up by a curious voice.

“Huh. So this is the infamous Reggie.”

You cracked your eyes to find Taylor sitting on their bed across from you, munching on veggie chips, a wide, lazy smile on their face.

“Hey, Tay,” you said.

Your words woke up Belch, who grumbled and pulled you closer to him, hitching the blankets up higher on both of you, covering your bare shoulders.

“Oh, he’s not a morning person,” said Taylor.

“I’m not a strangers person,” Belch corrected, his voice a deep rumble.

“Well, okay. Hi, I’m Taylor. I’m your baby’s roommate.” That made you blush, made you think of the late nights you’d stayed up with Taylor, telling them about him, trading stories about him and their various partners. How you’d explained that you were his baby, beloved perhaps even more than his car, Amy. “Taylor, meet Reggie. Now we’re not strangers anymore.”

Belch grunted and reached his right hand out from under the blankets for Taylor to shake. They wiped salt off their own right hand onto their skinny black jeans and shook.

“You get laid, Tay?” you asked.

“Yup. Cute girl from German.”

“Nice.”

“Uh huh.”

They kept sitting there, watching you two, eating their veggie chips, until you finally giggled.

“Taylor, get out! We’re obviously both naked.”

Taylor laughed, too.

“Fine, fine, I’ll be in the hall until my exile is over.”

Belch chuckled. Taylor left the room, quietly shutting the door behind them. You sat up, shoving the blankets away from you. Belch stayed laying down, running a finger down your spine, making you shiver. You looked back at him over your shoulder, smiling, still sleepy.

“I’m really glad you came,” you said, soft.

“Me too, baby,” he said. “I like… Taylor?”

“Yeah, that’s their name.”

“…their?”

“Yeah. Their. Not a girl or a boy.”

“…huh. Explains why I couldn’t tell if …they… were a boy or a girl.” Then he paused, thinking, and you watched the cogs turn in his head. “They kinda look like Patrick.”

That made you laugh. You grinned back at him.

“Taylor reminds me a lot of Patrick, actually. Except they scare me a lot less.”

He huffed out a laugh and finally sat up, getting out of bed and pulling his clothes back on. You watched him before finding your pajamas and putting them back on. You didn’t have class today, and even if you did, you wouldn’t have gotten dressed. Fuck that.

As he was about to put on his flannel, you took it from him and pulled it on, pushing the sleeves up, wrapping it around you. He chuckled.

“I’m not getting that back, am I?” he asked.

“Never,” you said. “And the next time you visit, I want you to bring another.”

You held the front of the shirt up to your nose and took a deep breath. It smelled just like him, exactly what you wanted.

Then you called to the door.

“Tay! We’re decent.”

“Yay!”

They opened the door and set down their bag of chips before digging around in the pile of laundry they’d piled up in their chair. Unabashed and with very little sense of personal boundaries, they changed their shirt with their back turned to both of you. Belch looked away, his eyebrows shooting up, eyes finding yours. You shrugged.

“So what are you lovebirds doing today?” Taylor asked.

“Uh,” you said, turning fully to Belch. “Are you just gonna head back home?”

“Was thinkin’ we could do breakfast first,” he replied.

“You should take him to the Waffle House,” said Taylor. “Nothing more romantic than Waffle House at …eleven o’clock on a Saturday.”

Belch snorted.

“You wanna go to Waffle House, baby?” he asked, taking your hand.

“Sure,” you said, smiling.

You got your shit, and he checked his pockets.

You pulled him by the hand through the halls and stairs of your dorm. He tugged you down the street to the Trans Am, and you got in, Metallica greeting you. He dug around in the box of tapes, pulling one out and putting it in the deck. Led Zeppelin started up, and you sighed. You pressed in the car’s cigarette lighter, taking one out of your pack and lighting up.

It was so good to be back in Amy. She was just another thing from Derry that you missed. You directed Belch to the local Waffle house, and you got a booth.

Breakfast was brought to you shortly, and both of you ate with one hand, the other hand being held by each other. You said little, just enjoying your time together.

“So, you wanna hear what the guys are up to?” he asked.

“Shoot.”

“Well, me and Henry are lookin’ into getting a place together.”

“Oh, nice. Apartment, or house?”

“There’s this little house on the outskirts that’s real cheap — bit of a fixer-upper, but I can see it. I can see living in it.”

“Cool.”

“And Vic’s got a job at the gym. He thinks if he stays there for a year, they’ll put him in charge of a class or two.”

“Oh, awesome! He mentioned that he got a job, but he didn’t say where.”

You were in better contact with Vic than you were with Henry and Patrick, purely based on the fact that you were actually friends with him, whereas they merely tolerated you. You’d get them one day, you were sure of it.

“Yeah, he’s real proud. And Pat got a basement apartment with that job at the record store.”

“Oh, good. He needs his own space.”

“Yeah. He’s a lot less tight-wound, now.”

“Good.”

You sat in silence for a while, then he asked, “so, what were you doing before I came by?”

You smiled.

“Reading for World Lit. Madame Bovary.”

“What’s that?”

“Um, this French novel about this lady who gets married to a guy and kinda hates her life with him, so she lives it up to like, escape how she feels.”

“Huh.”

“Yeah. I don’t really care about the story, but… but the writing. Fuck, Reggie. The guy who wrote it was such a perfectionist that he’d spend forever just writing one sentence, making sure it was perfect before he moved on. It’s so beautiful.”

“Okay, cool.”

“Right?”

You took a deep breath and let it out, rubbing your fingers over his knuckles.

“So, how’s the shop?” you asked.

He smiled.

“Dom’s a fucking creeper, still,” he said.

“Can’t change that,” you said, wishing the opposite was true. Dom was awful. You’d stopped visiting Belch at work because of how Dom looked at you, how it made Belch mad.

“Yeah. One day, he’ll get better, I hope. But y’know.”

“Yeah.”

“But other than that, things are good. Had to rebuild some dude’s chassis after he got reamed by a Mac truck.”

“Oh, Jesus, is he okay?”

“Broken arm, but the car got the worst of it.”

“I bet.”

“Yeah.”

“But you’re having fun?”

“Yeah, it’s good. Fuckin’ love my job.”

You smiled again.

“Good,” you said. “How’s Mama?”

“She’s doin’ good. Got a sore throat right now, but she wouldn’t let me stay home and take care of her. She got wind that I was gonna visit you, and basically locked me out of the house.”

You snorted.

“God, I love her,” you said.

“Me too,” he said, smiling, his eyes crinkling.

“Well,” you said, pushing your empty plate away from you.

“Yeah,” he said, pulling out his wallet, leaving a tip under his coffee cup.

He took you back to the dorm, walking you back up to your room. Before you got to your door, you heard the unmistakable sound of Against Me!, Taylor’s favorite band. When you opened the door, they were dancing around, their trash can in one hand, throwing things away from time to time as they sang along to True Trans Soul Rebel. You grinned at them, then turned to Belch.

“So,” you said.

“So.”

“I guess you gotta go, huh?”

“Yeah. Wish I could take you back.”

“Wish I could go back.”

He licked his lips and pulled you in close. He kissed you, soft. Sweet. Gentle. All the things you’d come to expect of him, diluted into one kiss. You sighed into it, winding your arms around his neck and pressing yourself up against him.

“Baby,” Belch said, lips only a breath away from yours. “I gotta go.”

“I know, babe,” you said. “I know.”

He swallowed and looked away from you, at Taylor, a smile on his face.

“Take care of my baby for me, okay?” he asked.

Taylor grinned.

“Best as I can,” they said.

“Good.”

You rolled your eyes good-naturedly, then kissed Belch again. And again. And one more time.

You really, really didn’t want him to go.

“I’ll come visit you again soon,” he said. “I shouldn’t have waited so long, and I won’t do it again.”

“Okay,” you whispered.

“Okay,” he echoed. “Bye.”

“Bye.”

You let him go, watching him walk, alone, down the hall. You caught a girl giving him a good once over, and when her eyes left him, you caught them and glared her down.

Mine, you mouthed.

She rolled her eyes, but ducked back into her room.

When Belch was out of sight, you went back into your room. Taylor danced circles around you, lifting your quickly darkening mood. They grabbed your wrists, making you dance along. You laughed.

You saw your phone light up, and you pulled away from Taylor. You picked it up and unlocked it.

12:37pm. From: Belch ♥

Miss you already

You sighed.

12:38pm. To: Belch ♥

Miss you more

Immediately, he responded.

12:38pm. From: Belch ♥

Impossible

You laughed and put your phone down, deciding that you were going to clean your side of the room, too. You picked up your blankets, thinking about taking them down to wash them, but got a whiff of Belch, and thought better of it.

You’d wash them once they stopped smelling like him.

But until then, you’d hold on.

[confusedonearth]

09/17/2018

It’s been far too long. I’ve avoided talking about this for months, and haven’t been able to or better yet, haven’t wanted to come on here to explain what’s been going on. It’s been a wild Journey this year. I’ll try to keep everything in the order I remember them. These memories don’t have a typical beginning to end. But it should sum up, what’s been going on over the last couple of months. I’ll start with....August. All of august, I didn’t want to be bothered. I’ve slowly realized that I was becoming irritable, and angry. This stemmed from not feeling like I was accomplishing any goals. I had to deal with a couple of things that completely through me off of track even more that I had already realized. I unfortunately had to create an ultimatum to directly show the severity of how I’ve been feeling. I was feeling dead. Ready to give up hope. This caused me to spiral down to feeling worse as the days passed. I was so sick of everything and everyone that at this point, I was just ready to call everything quits. Relationship, Friendships, you name it. As days passed, and I tried my best to get better slowly. I had a picture shown to me of being smaller, and wanting to really get back into becoming a healthy person again. So instead of eating out everyday, I narrowed it to making healthier choices and slowly stop eating worse. This is because when you start something I believe you gotta ease into it. You can’t go cold turkey on things. It will most likely end in failure. Of course, this is my perspective on it. I’ve found that this works for ME. I thought of it deeply and I ended up thinking back on some of the things I enjoyed doing before getting this low. I had a skateboard. Steven and Carla got me a skateboard. I was riding it. One day I went to ride it through DC during my workday after eating lunch at Cava (I had a salad). On the way back, I was trying to be careful but water and skateboards don[t mix. As I was going downhill I got really hurt. Sucks because I just started to recover from hurting myself on the motorcycle. That sucked too. I got hurt on my motorcycle on the way home twice. Once was a burn on my right calf. That shit sucked so bad. Worst pain I've experienced i’n a long time. The other injury was when I fell off early morning on my way to work. My dad was telling me that him and his gf were having issues. This sort of through me off because he’s been doing so well. So it was just annoying to hear, on top of the fact that I was already annoyed with my own life. I fell. but I rushed home, and changed to come back to work. I made it 17 minutes late. But I got there. The reason I take my bike to work sometimes is because it’s way cheaper to ride versus driving. I feel because I put some stupid like.... tire shire shine. Nico warned me soon after that it was a bad idea and I read online to take it off, but said fuck it and didn’t do it. The next time I rode it, I fell. Another lesson learned. Don’t put tire shine on motorcycle tires. I would’ve never known.... Wholetime I should’ve known because Nico told me. I’m dumb.

Anyway. I start to feel better. I heal. I eventually started getting back into music by writing. I ended up making a song called Ordinary which is a song about Ego. Eh. It was okay. I liked it at first. Then came a song called Addiction which is a short story about a girl who tried coke. It was shit. once again. Liked it at first but was shit. I haven’t made music but I kept going. Then, I randomly met up with george and it was cool to see him again. George Mason from Hyattsville Middle School. We caught up. I was making a song, and he made a hook. It was magic man. I found inspiration working with someone else. As lonley as I’ve been feeling lately. Not only was I sent a friend, but I was sent a friend that was a musician. Super positive things coming my way this month. After hitting the lows of fucking up at work, and being sad about my Dad’s fuck ups. I found a light. Music, writing to myself and exercise. That’s whats always been most important. But I have to remember that setting reminders of what I want to accomplish is important. So This is a reflection of me trying. If I ate less I would be way skinnier right now. Like I just crushed some pancakes but they were bomb as fuck. Couldn’t help it. I’m about to go home and continue to work because I’m working from home everyday right now. I’m about to go meditate. Also, I got George coming over at 2 for a music session. I started watching this show called Ozark. It’s pretty sick. I’m stupid stoned. i haven’t tripped. I wanna go camping at the end of this week. So I’ll look into that. I’m going to LA in about 2 weeks. That should be cool. I thought that aderrall would be the solution to my problems, but deep down I knew it wasn’t. Maybe it can help but I don’t wanna become dependent on it. Instead I”ll welcome my ADHD and attention issues and try to focus on being present. That way, I don’t have anymore time to be sad. I just gotta do things that will help me and stop making excuses. I’m glad I have Danyeezy as a friend that can communicate things to me and small lessons that I can apply to my life. Like legit. I’ve learned alot from him man it’s crazy. I won’t name it all but it’s tight to have friends that are there for me through my mental breakdowns. I gotta do everything I mentioned on here to be present and successful.

I love my life again. I feel like I have potential to go somewhere. Where ever life takes me. I’ll try to remind myself to remind myself that I need to be reminded of where I’m at to feel better and be better. If I don’t try, I have essentially snoozed my reminder and will be even more late to work.

Work = Success.

[liavjew]

Hey fatty

He said, blowing up his cheeks arching his hands beside his body trying to imitate me.

I don't remember who were the first one who did that to me, and I'm not sure if it was on the first grade or before. But I do remember the pain, the pain I kept feeling from that day on, the pain that grew onto self hatred, self loathing, loneliness, depression, self harm and suicidal thoughts.

Even if the bulling pretty much stopped around the 7th grade after I realized it's the way I reacted, the rage and fury I showed that kept them Going so I stopped and soon they stopped.

But the rest stayed. I still hated myself, I was still lonley, I was still depressed I was still crying and begging for help. Only now it was on the inside. I bottled my emotions and every few weeks broke down, crying myself to sleep.

As I grew up I learned about depression, I realized thats what I have. In the meantime my suicidal thoughts evolved, I started cutting. The breakdowns kept coming, longer and more frequently.

I lost weight, alot of it. Thinking that would make me happy! It didn't. I fell in love with a girl living thousands of miles away from me and broke my own heart on the way. I was now clinically depressed, staying in bed for hours and hours, sleeping 18 hours straight and staying in bed the rest of the time. Stopped going to school, failed almost every subject. I seeked for help.

I started therapy, I improved all of my grades. I gained almost all the weight I lost. I got into university, Im still lonley. My grades are falling, I'm getting depressed. I fell in love again.

I hate myself again.

I'm tired.

I'm hopeless.

I'm lonley.

I'm a fatty.

[jdquestions8-blog]

My Testimony

I haven’t necessarily liked my narrative, so I haven’t put myself out there to share it. Now that the Holy spirit is with me I believe there is more meaning to my life. I hope God speaks to you as I continue to share. So let’s begin with a Summary:

My name is ‘JD’ I grew up in a military familiy. Lived in at least 9 different United States. Been in more schools than I can count. Anywhere my family landed my parents made sure we attended church. (Whether it was Methodist, Lutheran, Catholic, etc.) 

The midst of my middle school years my parents abruptly picked me up from school leaving Northern CA for VA. Where my family has been living for the past 10 years. 

In VA I faced the difficulties of establishing frienships, entering a competitve education system, and discovering my family dysfunctions. When I travelled so much I was more concerned with adhearing to the enviroment than what was happening at home.

As I grew older and more conscious of my family situation. I began to compare my life to those ‘normal’ people. I did what I could by adapting. I acheived making my life look good from the outside in. By doing so my heart became lonley and isolated.

The youth group I once found solice in the past was something entirely different here. Most east coast kids were ‘nice’ at Sunday school and cliquey immidately after. 

In highschool, I was the emotional stability and backbone of my family. My mother treated me as her best friend, confidant, therapist, daughter, and my father inforced these negative behaviors to avoid confronting their martial problems. 

By the time I was prepped for college I was more than ready to shed this ‘responsibility.’

The life I made on the outside in before. I wanted to make a reality. 

I wanted large network of friends.

I wanted to give myself to everyone.

Give my best to everything I did.

I wanted to be accepted and recognized for good. 

I needed healthy boundaries and REAL LOVE. 

Obviously naive, I was a passionate artist with a purpose, I wore my heart on my sleeve. To no one’s surprise it was ripped off and trampled on the ground.

These new ‘Friends’ used me to make themselves feel better. 

Some also living a doubled life called me a fake, bitch. 

To my elders I was rebel without a cause. 

That I would agree to some extent. 

I didn’t understand the rebelious pride in my heart. 

My concept of love seemed one sided in multiple ways.

During my college education I would go to college youth groups here and there. To me Jesus was someone elusive and God almighty silent answerer of prayers.

Once I graduated college I was living in and out of the house. 

Due to the combination of becoming my own person, living in sin, and unable to bare my family’s sin.

 I burned bridges and proceeded to shut people out when I no longer wanted to feel the pain. 

Things started to get better when my boyfriend of five years proposed to me. Since he too was in the military... we wanted to marry so that we could offically how my family’s blessing and live together. 

Since he wasn’t a believer (Only believing the concept of God, but not Jesus) my parents were against it. 

Also during this time my brother denounced God, and my mother’s doctors discovered a cancerous tumor in her Frontal Lobe. (Explaining most of her behavioral issues) 

2 months before my ‘wedding’ she went under brain surgery. 

She lived... with 80% recovery. Minor memory impairment and has had some emotional outbursts since.

A week before the wedding my parents refused to help what meant to be a court house wed, but insisted the wedding specifically in our church chapel. 

I begrudgingly agreed to spend the extra money to do so, and bought my wedding dress off amazon. (Classy I know.) 

Feeling nothing but chaos at home. I chose to live with my best friend Kat until the wedding. 

My in-laws helped drive our stuff to an apartment in TX a couple weeks after that.

Due to my husband’s new military career he was shipped off to his next school.

I was left alone to make a life for myself... in strange city within a geographically undesirable location...AKA the desert without seasons. 

I was depressed.

 I was isolated.

I had anxiety attacks almost every night. 

I had to block my parents texts and calls about how I was a terrible daughter and how disagreeable I was. 

My previous friends leading new adult lives slowed in their communication.

I didn’t know what to do with myself. Nor did I know how to process all the shit that just happened. 

It wasn’t until my insominic symptoms and anxiety worsened where I sought help.

I turned to new age meditation and yoga. 

Which was a big mistake.

I would wake up to restless leg syndrome. Pace my place irritably feeling so tired that it felt out of body. 

When I finally felt so overwhelmed I shouted:

“JESUS! Why am I doing these things?! Why has my anger consumed me? What is happening to me? Please, Jesus Christ help me.”

Everyhing around me and in me grew still.

That night I fell to my knees praying to Jesus to be my messiah, and I praised his name.

I looked up youtube videos on deliverence and repentence the next day. 

I prayed for his firey holy spirit to ignite in my soul.

I gave Jesus my sins, worry, strife, relationships, everything. 

He has pulled the seeds of resentment from my chest. 

He has filled every empty crevis of my broken heart with his goodness.

He has torn down the jail walls and boundaries that I had placed on myself.

I am made a new! :) 

I never got it before when other christians spoke of their life being like night and day.

But I get it now. 

When I look back its weird.

He answers every prayer.

It’s like God flipped a switch in my mind and I’m talking about my past self as someone else (I used to know very well.)  

I had never yearned to read the bible as much as I do now. 

I ask you reading this, if you haven’t already, give your life to Jesus Christ. 

Don’t be ashamed to bring your fears, failures, sins, and shortcomings up to him.

He died on the cross for this very reason.

GOD LOVES YOU AND WILL ACCEPT YOU.

He will help you walk a straight path into God’s Kingdom.

I pray for you.  Numbers 6:24-26

The Lord bless you and keep you; 25 The Lord make His face shine upon you, And be gracious to you; 26 The Lord lift up His countenance upon you, And give you peace.”

[kiegosbby]

all good stories have a happy ending.

here’s the happy ending you fluff whores.

angst version here.

warnings: breakup, drinking, crying, cutting, implying suicide.

*unedited*

✁- - - - - - r- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

you were silently cooking dinner at your and your boyfriends apartment, he had been on a long mission and today was the day he was coming back. You were beyond excited, after not seeing the love of your life for months, you were absolutely bursting from how excited you were.

you were making his favorite dish, which was obviously any sort of chicken. your back was tired, from getting everything ready for him. the papers saying the fight was over and the hero’s had won, you were relieved of course, hawks couldn’t have any contact with you when he was on the mission so that’s how you found out.

he would be home soon so you started plating the dishes, and set them on the table. you sat and scrolled mindlessly on your phone, before you heard the doorknob jiggle. he was finally home, after all these months after the tears, the Lonley nights you stayed awake hoping he was ok, he was finally home.

you jumped up from your seat and went to meet him at the door. he opened the door, dragging a suitcase in and he had a tired look on his face. he looked up at you and you quickly saw his facade change from tired to sadness, quickly back to tiredness, this time adding a little annoyance in it. He let out a annoyed huff

you went to give him a hug, a little confused from what had just happened, and even more confused when he pulled away from your hug.

“Is everything ok keigo?” you were a little hurt youd admit it. after all these months and all you got was a huff? anger started to stir in you as you waited for his response.

“why are you still here? Didn’t you get the hint when I didn’t reply to you at all?” he crossed his arms in front of him, giving you the most annoyed look he could muster.

you looked at him with confusion, rage, and disbelief. how could he say all this? after everything you’ve done for him. how much you helped him. you couldn’t believe this

“keigo this isn’t funny. I’ve waited for you for months and did so much for you! you can’t be serious?” your voice betrayed you and squeaked slightly at the end.

“do I sound like I’m trying to be funny y/n? I’m sorry that you thought I wanted you to wait but I’ve ignored you for months y/n. Get the hint and get out.” he looked bored? you were far past angry now. how dare he do this to you? how could he? he was your everything. everything you’d ever want from anyone. without him you were nothing. no one.

“I’m sorry I misread the situation.” your voice was a whisper, and you held back tears as you quickly ran to your shared room, packing everything you could see. Tears fell, and you quickly made your way to the exit of the apartment. you turned around before leaving, spotting hawks at the balcony, looking into the sunset.

you walked up to him and looked down at your feet.

“I hope your making the right choice hawks. I was the only one that was ever there for you. and now you’ve lost that to.”

you turned to walk away, before turning your head over your shoulder quickly.

“burn in hell”

you thought you heard a sniffle, but stormed away before thinking twice.

you walked in with puffy eyes looking around. Eyes landing on the alcohol isle, and walking towards it. you strolled down the isle and picked a bottle of whisky out. keigo always loved whiskey so you grew accustomed to it. you quickly checked out and started wandering around town again, downing the whisky in chugs.

you were silently cooking dinner at your and your boyfriends apartment, he had been on a long mission and today was the day he was coming back. You were beyond excited, after not seeing the love of your life for months, you were absolutely bursting from how excited you were.

you were making his favorite dish, which was obviously any sort of chicken. your back was tired, from getting everything ready for him. the papers saying the fight was over and the hero’s had won, you were relieved of course, hawks couldn’t have any contact with you when he was on the mission so that’s how you found out.

he would be home soon so you started plating the dishes, and set them on the table. you sat and scrolled mindlessly on your phone, before you heard the doorknob jiggle. he was finally home, after all these months after the tears, the Lonley nights you stayed awake hoping he was ok, he was finally home.

you jumped up from your seat and went to meet him at the door. he opened the door, dragging a suitcase in and he had a tired look on his face. he looked up at you and you quickly saw his facade change from tired to sadness, quickly back to tiredness, this time adding a little annoyance in it. He let out a annoyed huff

you went to give him a hug, a little confused from what had just happened, and even more confused when he pulled away from your hug.

“Is everything ok keigo?” you were a little hurt youd admit it. after all these months and all you got was a huff? anger started to stir in you as you waited for his response.

“why are you still here? Didn’t you get the hint when I didn’t reply to you at all?” he crossed his arms in front of him, giving you the most annoyed look he could muster.

you looked at him with confusion, rage, and disbelief. how could he say all this? after everything you’ve done for him. how much you helped him. you couldn’t believe this

“keigo this isn’t funny. I’ve waited for you for months and did so much for you! you can’t be serious?” your voice betrayed you and squeaked slightly at the end.

“do I sound like I’m trying to be funny y/n? I’m sorry that you thought I wanted you to wait but I’ve ignored you for months y/n. Get the hint and get out.” he looked bored? you were far past angry now. how dare he do this to you? how could he? he was your everything. everything you’d ever want from anyone. without him you were nothing. no one.

“I’m sorry I misread the situation.” your voice was a whisper, and you held back tears as you quickly ran to your shared room, packing everything you could see. Tears fell, and you quickly made your way to the exit of the apartment. you turned around before leaving, spotting hawks at the balcony, looking into the sunset.

you walked up to him and looked down at your feet.

“I hope your making the right choice hawks. I was the only one that was ever there for you. and now you’ve lost that to.”

you turned to walk away, before turning your head over your shoulder quickly.

“burn in hell”

you thought you heard a sniffle, but stormed away before thinking twice.

you walked in with puffy eyes looking around.

you walked down the empty streets, sobs running your body. the wind hit your skin as you walked, it felt good, at least you weren’t numb. you walked for what felt like hours, thoughts rushing through your mind and when you finally stopped for a second to see where your legs had taken you, you saw a small store and you were at the edge of town.

Eyes landing on the alcohol isle, and walking towards it. you strolled down the isle and picked a bottle of whisky out. keigo always loved whiskey so you grew accustomed to it. you quickly checked out and started wandering around town again, downing the whisky in chugs.

you ended sitting on a worker catwalk on a bridge, having a view over the city. you looked through your bag for a jacket. even though you loved the coldness, you wanted to be warm. Warm again.

as you were looking through the bag, a knife fell out. you almost laughed as you picked it up. it was the knife hawks made you carry around when you went out alone. he wanted you to be safe. you set it down and continued looking through your bag.

you took your jacket out and as you pulled it on, one of hawks feathers fell out. you picked up in awe, and brushed your fingers along the soft feather. sobs started to overtake your body again. as much as you missed him, and how much you hated him at this moment, you wanted him badly. to hold you and tell you everything would be ok.

you put the feather down in your lap and grabbed the knife from your side, opening it slowly. you ran your finger up the blade, making your finger drip with blood, it was sharp, and you had a quick thought.

maybe your mind was clouded from the whisky, but you pulled your sleeves up, giving the wind access to your skin.

you grabbed the feather and put it up to your face, giving it a kiss.

“I’m sorry kiego. I didn’t mean what I said when I left. I know you don’t care but I wanted to say g-goodbye before I did anything. I’m sorry if I did anything to make you want me to leave, but you were my happiness keigo... you were everything I ever needed and everything I ever wanted. and now that your gone, I have nothing to live for. I’m sorry, I hope you live a happy life..”

you put the feather down and grabbed the knife again. funny how good things can turn badly so quickly.

this morning you were bursting with excitement and now here you were, sitting on top of a bridge, with a knife in your hand. how stupid could you be? you and him would never last.

you bring the knife down to your arm, dragging down your numb skin you only managed to make a small slit before a familiar red feather knocked it out of your hand.

you pulled your sleeve down quickly and turned to look where the feather came from.

“w-what are you doing here?” you tried to wipe your tears and looked over at him confused

when you looked over in his direction he looked distraught, he looked like he had been crying for hours, he was still crying, tears streaming down his face.

“please y/n I know what I said was bad but please don’t do this, we can talk about this, we can get back together you don’t have to do this” his voice was filled with fear, as he landed he went to put a hand on your shoulder, and you moved back, not wanting anything from him.

as you moved back his face filled with pain and hurt.

“hawks I have nothing to say to you. why are you even here? can you just let me do what I want? I waited months for you and all I get when you come back is to know that you didn’t want to be together anymore? how fucking cruel are you? Why didn’t you say anything to me? You made me look like a fool. you don’t want to be together so go. Leave!” you cried, and took steps back into the railing as he let silent tears fall.

“Y/n please you have to listen. I did that to protect you. My mission was really dangerous and I couldn’t protect you from that. I needed you to be gone so they couldn’t hurt you.. please understand. I don’t want you hurt. but with me you’ll only get hurt.” his voice was filled with pain and sorrow, as he let out his true feelings.

you felt all sorts of emotions run through you as you took in what he said. was he serious, or was he saying that so you wouldn’t do anything dumb?

“no your just saying that so I wouldn’t do anything dumb.” you looked away from him and cried. god you were so pathetic. thinking he would actually do that for you?

“No y/n I’m not! you have to believe me please. I don’t want you hurt because of me so I did it for you. just please let’s go home and talk more about this let me tell you exactly what happened.” it honestly sounded like he was begging at this point. it made you sad..

“fine but me only so you can tell me what happened.”

You looked into his eyes and relief washed over his face.

“yes thank you”

when you two got home, he had explained everything to you. and you had almost cried. he was risking his whole life for you. he lied to the people in his mission so you wouldn’t get hurt. your heart ached for him.

“I’m sorry for being bitchy” you felt terrible for what you did and said

“baby it’s ok, it’s my fault for not telling you”

that night, you two had fell asleep crying. But all that mattered was that you we’re together.