#but I’m going to anyway
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hi everyone! i’ve gone back and forth on this decision a lot, and as the last episodes of this season are this wednesday, i’ve decided that this will be my last season.
i love LITG, and this fandom has given me some of my favorite people, but unfortunately i just can’t do anymore.
this fandom is toxic and i can’t take another person coming after my husband or me for the pixel characters i like. i’ve been talked down too, i’ve been ignored, some of these people in this fandom are rude behind anon and it’s crazy, and someone even mansplained PTSD to me. I’m tired of putting a lot of my time and energy into a fandom who just doesn’t care.
also, LITG isn’t good anymore, it’s just not. i’m tired of playing a game made by people who do not give a fuck about their fans. i honestly should’ve stopped playing when someone said a writer was harassing them, but unfortunately i didn’t.
my inbox and messages are forever open, if you have requests, or stuff to say, i will listen, do my best to respond, and i will try to write them. and i’ll also be finishing my wips.
i wish you all the best, and to the ozzy girls, y’all have a special place in my heart, yall deserve the world times two🩷
#litg#love island the game#litg fandom#i know that this isn’t an airport so i don’t need to announce my departure#but i’m going to anyway
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My parents are angry. They lose their temper quickly and get ahold of it just as fast. They’re not violent—not towards people, anyway.
Quick bouts of rage come and go so fast it gives me whiplash. My mom will grit her teeth in an angry burst and apologize in the same breath. My dad slams cabinets and swears like a sailor and then turns and says “sweetie?” like nothing is wrong within seconds.
But the apology is said like a chore, the endearment sounds like a threat. I know that they’re not, because I know my parents. I know their mannerisms, I’ve memorized their moods. I can read them as easily as myself.
Those kinds of things are characteristics displayed in abused characters, and I wonder what it says about me that I know my life is good but I still show them. I know they’re not perfect, because nobody is; sometimes I despair over what they could have done better and how much more I’d love myself if they had. But despite that, they don’t hurt me. There’s no malice, and they don’t even realize when I’m in pain.
And yet I fear them. Fear doesn’t come from violence. I know that. But they’re not manipulative, they’re not unloving, they’re not malicious. They love me, and they tell me. Not just when they want something, just when they see me. We’re very big on physical affection, and we talk freely. I roll my eyes and tell them to shut up and they laugh.
And yet I fear them.
My dad snaps and swears loudly about how my mother is a pain. He never threatens me. I don’t think he even processes that he’s saying this to his teenage daughter; he’s venting. And there’s nothing wrong with that that I can think of. Expressing your emotions freely is healthy. But I say thank you more than I would, I don’t talk as much, I don’t crack as many jokes. I stay quiet and talk when I need to. I do what I’m told. I’m scared. I don’t know if I’m scared of hurting him or of him hurting me.
My mom ignores me when she’s doing something, and when I repeat a clarifying question she tells me I need to leave her alone so she can do it. But other times she’s focusing and I leave her alone and she asks if I’m going to help her or not, or if I’m going to just stand there? Sure, the situations are different, but I don’t know what makes one something I should help with or ignore. And if I try to ask, like sometimes do, she says I’m being silly and I should know. I stay quiet and do nothing so I’m not just goofing off; I sit there and watch her in case she tries to ask me something, and I try not to tense. I’m scared.
I don’t know if this is normal or bad. I never had chores; is that neglect or lenience? I don’t know how to clean or do laundry or cook; is that a failure on their part or on mine? Sometimes I’m asked questions in school about where I live and I know my address but I know it like something I’ve memorized, not the actual meanings of the letters and numbers of the streets and where they are and what’s next to them. Is that because I was never taught or because I never paid attention?
Parents aren’t meant to just hold their child through every single life experience. I know that. Sometimes kids are just lazy and it’s their own fault for not trying. But I don’t know which it is. I don’t know if I’m in the wrong or they are. Am I just playing the victim or should they have done better? I know that in the past few years I’ve rejected all attempts by them to do anything, because of depression. Am I responsible for what I’ve missed out on because of it? Am I meant to fix it now? I’m better, but not healed. I still need help, but I’m at an age where I’m meant to be independent. But I can’t. I just can’t.
I love my parents, but I resent them. Am I wrong for resenting them? Do I have nothing to complain about? Am I just being dramatic? I haven’t spoken with them about any of this because I’m scared; is it my own fault I haven’t tried to confront them? When things don’t improve should I blame myself for not pursuing change?
It feels like my mother holds my hand through everything I do. Is that my fault for not being more independent? Is it hers for being too indulgent? Is it both of ours? How does it get fixed if neither of us are going to change? I’m too scared to take any independence because it feels like there’s too much and I feel like I’m constantly on the brink of collapsing, but she’s too complacent.
She’s always complacent. I ask her for things and she promises them so I stop asking and then it never happens and I complain and she says that I stopped asking but she promised but never does it. She doesn’t do anything. Nothing ever changes. My father barely knows what goes on in my personal life.
But they are good parents. They don’t do anything wrong. But I’ve just said things they do wrong. But they mean well, so how can I blame them? I say nothing, so aren’t I just complacent? But I’m scared. Am I allowed to be scared? To do nothing because of fear?
A lot of my friends have actual serious parental issues. Several of them have dead parents. How can I complain about my problems when they have so many actual, active problems? I have a hard enough time opening up about actual problems I deal with that are serious but this one is so mundane and might not even be a problem at all. I can ignore it if I don’t think about it but when I do think about it I want to cry because I hate it so so much.
I started this wanting to make a point about how anger doesn’t have to be violent to hurt someone, but now I’m just venting.
Whenever I take on a new responsibility or activity or anything, it takes over everything. I stress about it all the time, I double think how I do it and what I’m supposed to do and excuses I have for why I did it this specific way if someone asks and how I’m going to explain every single little action and it’s so exhausting. How can I expect myself to deal with the processes my mom does for me when I’m barely holding on with the things I do now? I double think everything. I think I’m doing better but I feel like I’m inching forward.
I don’t bring up suspicions about having autism with my psychiatrist because I’m scared of being wrong or being right or how my parents or cousins or aunts or anybody will react if it’s true or if it’s not true and they found out I thought it was and every single possible change is so exhausting to even think about.
I tell my mom I want to go home while we’re sitting on the couch in the apartment that they’ve lived in since before I was born. I am home, but I don’t feel like it. I never do. I want to be safe, I want to stop thinking, I want to not stress, but it’s so ingrained in how I live and act that I don’t even notice it until I hyper focus on my life and what happens so much it hurts.
She tells me she hates it when I say that. We are home. I can only tell her I want to go home when we aren’t there because that’s the only time she’ll comfort me. “I hate when you say that. We are home. What do you even mean? Stop saying that. It’s annoying. I hate it. I hate it.”
She knows I’m depressed and I have anxiety. I have meds now, and it helps. But sometimes I relapse and I fall into this pit of pain and depression and I can’t tell her, I can’t, because I know that she thinks that I’m better now, I’m good, I can deal with it, because the problem is the chemicals in my mind and the meds help with that. But it’s not just that. I hate my life, I hate everything, I hate myself, I hate her. But I love her. That would hurt her. She would cry. I hate it when my mother cries.
I’m sitting in a rental car crying because I’m depressed and my father is right in front of me. He hasn’t noticed and I doubt he will. When we pick up my mother she might notice my dried tears, and I’ll tell her it’s a sad fanfiction. She’ll believe me. They both will.
I want to go home.
#I don’t feel entirely comfortable posting thiz#but I’m going to anyway#because sometimes you just need to get your emotions out there#this reads like poetry in some parts and just venting in others#tw: depression#tw: vent#venting#vent post#parents#I hate that this half feels like a writing piece#can I only express myself in poetry and in writing? am I nothing more than feelings to be recorded in pretty words?#I don’t like being candid with my feelings because it’s easier to phrase it artistically#my emotions are only valid if they sound nice on paper#my dad keeps pointing out things as he drives#I think he just had a child to have someone to tell things (bc he’s such a nerd /aff)#which is sweet but also not#but no reason for existing will ever feel good#because ultimately it all boils down to they wanted me to fulfill something for them#and I just want to live for me#times like this Catholicism really appeals to me on its base level#because they say God created us because he loved us and wanted us to live. so it’s right to live for me#just for me#but the idea of someone (God or not) being so selfless in their creation of a person or in general is so unrealistic#tw: long post
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What’s up with how the dunmeshi fandom just lies about this kind of stuff all the time. It is easily confirmable information that it was a monthly series, something incredibly common in the industry.
A not weekly magazine schedule is literally common !! Especially in the seinen shoujo and josei demographics, sometimes monthly, sometimes biweekly, sometimes every two months, sometimes seasonal! Please stop lying about how Dunmeshi was some special unique creation that defies all standards of manga just to hype it up because it is so clear that every single one of these comparisons is centered around Weekly Shonen Jump (and understand that SJ has many magazines under its brand that are monthly or semimonthly). Not everything is WSJ and it needs to stop being the only point of reference in conversations like this 🤧
#sorry im having a moment.#kris actually talks#I can elaborate more on this bc I’m a nerd but like#I hope this doesn’t come off as disagreeing with the idea of moving more magazines off weekly schedules#but maybe let’s not lie ??? and act like tons of series including popular ones aren’t already in monthly ones#dungeon meshi#delicious in dungeon#adding the tag also now that it’s going around anyways. hi guys.#sorry for not including alt text originally I was not expecting reblogs but I have added it now o7#blah blah check reblogs with comments for additional thoughts from me if you care etc etc
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why do i keep seeing whole videos on advice for artfight from “veterans” or whatever. here’s all the advice you need:
you don’t need to draw every day
you don’t need to fully render every drawing, sketches still count and the person receiving it will still love it
you don’t need a fully polished ref sheet for every single character, having a basic one or even just a colour palette along with whatever other art you’ve done works fine in most cases
you don’t need to draw a fully rendered piece every single day do not burn yourself out or injure yourself for funny little internet points good lord
boom done there’s your 15 minute video
#.txt#artfight#still not 100% on if i’ll join in this year#i skipped last year just because i never end up going the full month anyway#but the team themes this year are so fun… i’m signed up for seafoam but that may end up changing#as in i may dip out#i dont wanna be stardust lol
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White people are miserable, racist losers period. They’ve even been getting mad at Japanese people for correcting them about Yasuke as well.
#rambling#seen wp go ‘they’re mismembering their history is all-‘#as if they’d know more than the actual Japanese people#comments on ever post about yasuke are full of racist wp arguing with Japanese ppl and telling them that yasuke was a ‘nobody slave’#while Japanese ppl are just like ‘well anyway-‘ on their asses it’s kind of embarrassing#the guy is literally an historical figure bro#how are you mad that everyone from a country that you have such an unhealthy interest in isn’t as racist as you are??? that’s what it’s#giving#I’m sure there are lots of Japanese ppl being racist af too#since antiblackness is global and everyone has a problem with black people simply existing but#they hate us too but 😭#it’s just#expect full blown kkk bullshit as soon as a black character pokes their head out from around the curtain#antiblackness#I see white ppl cry about yasuke every other month man#or at least once a year on Twitter
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i’m gonna say something controversial yet brave: sexuality labels are a convenient tool we use to define something that is undefinable
#you literally cannot change my mind#if you accept that sexuality is about something other than genitals than you also have to accept that there are going to be millions#of definitions for the same labels#and that’s okay#who you are attracted to cannot possibly ever be described with one word#put weirdo little brains and desires are too complex for that#*our#anyway#i’m right#bork bork!#5k
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It’s that time of the year again
#uni talks about the universe#ides of march#julius caesar#is this anything#I’m too lazy to make anything else so#have at the#this man has been dead for 2068 slutty slutty years and we are STILL tormenting him#anyway happy holidays to those who celebrate it#more like resting in pieces haha#okay I’ll go now
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pulling an all nighter the night before my dissection lab is. a fun choice i have made tonight. whoops
#ecollegy shenanigans#i probably shouldn’t be handling sharp things in a few hours#but i’m going to anyway#i’m totally winning at this college thing
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Everyone deserves the comfort of another
#lee art#digital art#fanart#roblox pressure#sebastian solace#y/n#more comfort#stress doodles cause shit was going down#but I’m all good now#anyways have more cuddle seb
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My piece for the Hyrule Fashion Anthology zine last year!!
My piece was based on mid-late 1910s fashion & I had a ton of fun designing everyone’s dresses 🧡✨ Design sketches under the cut~
tbh i am a bit sad i wasn’t able to show all the full designs in the finished piece but hey, i can always draw them again in the future, right?
#zelda#legend of zelda#botw#breath of the wild#zelda botw#zelda breath of the wild#link#botw link#botw zelda#botw urbosa#urbosa#tears of the kingdom#zelda tears of the kingdom#zelda fanart#daeyumi art#zelda au#well sort of lol#anyways i’m very very happy i was able to draw link in a pretty dress 💛#they all deserve to wear beautiful clothes & go to fancy parties with nice food
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The Lamb Slaying Death Incarnate
(Part of a larger comic....but I sort of like this panel a lot on its own!)
#cult of the lamb#cult of the lamb fanart#cotl lamb#I hate that I have so many comic ideas and Neves + lamb au ideas THERES SO MUCH I WANT TO DRAW#but they all come with various degrees of difficulty and time consumption#anyways. that shepherd’s crook is not really a weapon they use it’s more. Symbolic I guess#laughing cuz u can see exactly where the text is supposed to go. BLEH!#there’s actually still so much I have to edit. I’m not sold on the textures. Or the colors. Much to think about#my art
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❄️☃️The SDV Girlies in their winter garb!☃️❄️
One side how i interpreted their lil avatars and then the other side is just me playing dress up lmao.
“Bois when?” Dunno. 🤷🏽♀️ I will if anyone donates screenshots.
#stardew valley#stardew valley 1.6#stardew valley winter#stardew valley maru#stardew valley haley#stardew valley penny#stardew valley leah#stardew valley emily#stardew valley abigail#sdv maru#sdv haley#sdv penny#sdv leah#sdv emily#sdv abigail#i was sweating drawing this#the ph is having a fucking heatwave at 40*C / 104*C#and i’m not even living in the city where its definitely worse!!!#my pinterest algorithm probably thinks i’m insane for searching up winter outfits#penny looking lightly dressed for winter in her 2nd lewk but she’s dressed in several layers in dresses and skirts#i just wanted to show a lil bit of the layered neckline#ngl my fave lewk has to be emily!#she probably made her whole ensamble from scratch#abgail probably goes around lightly dressed#‘cold never bothered her anyway’ -elsa#haley going from cocnut girl to cold girl aesthetic#also i based maru’s outfit in this really cool chinese obre puffer jacket + 90s pastel tracksuit#with leah… what can i say gay in primary colors#thank you to henarikat for sending me a screenshot of their avatars!!!!!!#and also for being a beta for Haley and Penny’s looks hahaha
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last one i promise(<—lie)
#let’s as a society think more about why adrien wanted to go to school#and what. perhaps. he thought school was#i think the way chloe describes it she really is just a beautiful rich girl with too much time on her hands#and no one at school is treating her accordingly.#abby got so mad at me today because she thinks it’s too cringe that i keep taking about adrien liking ohshc#which is like. how are you gonna know me my whole life and then be disappointed when i’m cringe.#i’ve never hidden who i am. it’s cringe all the way down#anyway#ml#my art#miraculous ladybug#adrien agreste#chloe bourgeois#ohshc#wait i am gonna tag this thirteen actually. just go with me#thirteen
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Hey can we talk about Wendy. I’m dying to talk about Wendy. Let’s talk about Wendy. Hey can w
(Hcs and character ramblings under the cut)
#ENOUGH ABOUT DIPPER. WHERE ARE MY TRANSMASCS WHO LATCHED ONTO WENDY#archetypical cool girl + tomboy combo I love you….. come here I’m going to hit you with my Grief Ray#anyways.#wendy corduroy#dipper pines#mabel pines#gravity falls#my art#digital art#artists on tumblr#fanart#sketch#greatest hits
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11/20
#big day for doomed yaoi enjoyers#(me)#i’m never ever doing this again i was screaming every minute coloring this i literally cannot do hard light#biggest case of “trust the process” i’ve ever experienced in my life#also i was gonna originally do a gun instead of knife to keep it canon but i quickly learned i can’t in fact draw guns#a knife is more symbolic anyway. stabbed in the back. yk#(trying to comfort myself that i can’t draw firearms even after eight years of art)#i remember playing this scene for the first time and actually breaking down at 2am bc that betrayal STUNG#i actually had no remorse for akechi after that 😭😭 i actually felt like a sadist for enjoying beating his ass in shidos palace#akechi as a character was specifically designed to make me go through all five stages of grief within a matter of minutes#absolute rollercoaster of emotions#ANYWAY IM FINALLY FREE TIME TO NOT DO ART FOR THE NEXT FOUR MONTHS 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼#persona 5 royal#persona 5#p5#p5r#ren amamiya#akira kurusu#goro akechi#akechi goro#shuake#akeshu#lotus draws
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you are coming down with me / hand in unlovable hand.
#deltarune#kris dreemurr#deltarune fanart#deltarune kris#utdr#I’m going through a crisis but hey haha funny character say funny words#its not my best but its fine. I just started on this 2h ago to stop the spiral#points laughs it’s me! I’m the unlovable one! to care for me is to drag you down with me!#anyways sorry for the inconsistent styles recently.. I’m. yea.#ysart#cw eyestrain#cw knife
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