#but I won't be able to see a doctor for at least another month (possibly more)

[impostoradult]

my stress level right now is sky high, and the fall of the Republic is like fifth in my priority list of concerns. which should emphasize just how stressed I am

[isa-ko]

Mortier and Lefebvre!

I think the letters between Lefebvre and Mortier are fun to read because they’re both always so sweet to each other☺️ Here, Lefebvre has been absent for some time from the army due to a wound at Ostrach. Mortier had written a letter to Lefebvre about how it was going in his Brigadier General gig, and Lefebvre responds:

"Your news has given me infinite pleasure, my dear Mortier, please continue it for me; you feel how much they must interest me, especially in the position I find myself in. My arm, which at first was doing very well, is today in the most alarming state due to the ineptitude of a health officer who, however, in Paris, enjoyed a certain reputation..... I unfortunately gave him leave a little late and accepted Director Barras' doctor..... “

“Keep me informed of your operations; stay at the forefront if possible; Besides, I will always try to have you with me when I return to the army which, unfortunately, I do not foresee soon.”

(pp. 77-78)

Also, the author does mention Mortier’s sadness whenever a general he had been under leaves the army. Here, he writes to a General Ernouf (and also mentions Lefebvre):

"I learned with great regret of your departure from the army. Must we therefore give up the hope of seeing you there again with General Jourdan, your brave friend? You can, at least, count on the fact that our attachment and our esteem will follow you everywhere and that, in particular, the regrets that I feel about our separation are as sincere as the friendship that I have forever dedicated to you and to the others..... “

“If you see General Lefebvre, please tell him how much we want to see him again; I'm worried to know how he's doing; I have written to him several times and I have not received any news.”

(p. 81)

That was written in May 6 a few months after Lefebvre had written the previous above letter on April 23.

Also, later, Mortier wanted to return to the Rhine to be under Lefebvre’s orders. He requests to move to the Army of the Rhine, but Lefebvre then writes a very lovely letter to him:

"You know, my dear Mortier, that ambition has never tormented me; I made my principles known to you and I would have thought I was failing them by accepting command of the Army of the Rhine.”

"I know how to appreciate the wish you form to serve with me; I love you and esteem you too much not to participate in everything that depends on me and I hope to succeed in bringing about our reunion as soon as the bad consequences of my injury allow me to return to service. In the meantime, give me your news more often; tell me, above all, something about your operations and the state of the army. “

So Lefebvre hadn’t yet taken command of the Army of the Rhine. Mortier responds with another affectionate letter☺️

"I received your good news on Thermidor 13; they would have been even more pleasant if you had been able to tell me of your complete recovery; However, the hope you gave me of your soon return to the army has revived the hope I have always had of returning under your orders; you are kind enough to promise me this and I make the most ardent wishes so that this much desired meeting can take place when the Army of the Rhine takes action. It is generally believed that you will return with Minister Bernadotte. The soldier is already feeling the effects of his work at the Ministry of War; It was time that his needs were finally taken care of.”

(p. 100)

And finally, here is a letter between the two later, when Lefebvre has better health and now commands the 17th military division in Paris. He sent Mortier this letter:

"I accept with great pleasure, my dear General, the offer that you gave me from Souvarow's car. So please, please, send it to me..... I think it won't be long before you cross the Rhine; this time we must succeed and take up our winter quarters in Swabia, Franconia and Bavaria; So keep me informed of your operations, they will become very interesting; but above all, always be convinced that nothing can diminish the sincere esteem and friendship that General Lefebvre will always have for you. “

“P.S. I always think, my dear Mortier, of bringing you closer to me. I had requested for you the command of the place of Paris, then that of Mainz; I was promised both, but your services have probably since been judged to be more useful to the army. However, I have not forgotten you and, certainly, you will still serve with me and as soon as possible.”

(p. 155-156)

And it does come true later! Mortier will eventually come to France and take command of the 17th military division from Lefebvre.

Frignet-Despréaux (colonel). Le Maréchal Mortier: Duc de Trévise. Par son petit-neveu Frignet Despréaux, Vol. III, Berger-Levrault, 1914. pp. 77-156.

Source

[whentommymetalfie]

Tommy and Alfie have been trying for a baby for quite a while with nothing but heartbreak along the way. After yet another other miscarriage, they decide to have a doctor come to their home. The doctor tells them that Tommy’s body isn’t healthy enough to carry a pregnancy

Alfie sees the doctor out, just wants him out of Tommy's sight and out of the house, even if he couldn't have been more gentle and considerate when delivering the news. Took his time. Explained it all thoroughly, all while trying to soften the blow. I'm not saying this is necessarily something permanent, and that you won't be able to conceive further down the line. But right now, in addition to the preexisting conditions, the stress of the miscarriages makes a successful pregnancy near impossible.

The doctor pauses in the doorway. "Make sure he gets plenty of rest. Limit stress as much as possible and do try to make him eat more. And give it at least a few months before you try conceiving again."

Alfie just nods. Closes the door behind him and returns to the bedroom. Tommy is curled into a ball on the bed, back against the door. As he goes to sit on the edge of the bed, Alfie finds his gaze set on the opposite wall and his face completely blank. But he sees the pain underneath. And Tommy's usual scent of wild roses and warm meadow grass has gone bitter.

"Tommy, sweetheart, it's going to be okay," he says. Runs his fingers through his hair.

"It's my fault," Tommy whispers. "I haven't- I did this to myself. And now we can't have a baby." Then his voice cracks and he squeezes his eyes shut against the tears.

Alfie lies down and takes him in his arms. Tucks his head against his chest and hushes him. Kisses the top of his head.

"Shh, love, you just need to eat a bit more. Rest more. For your own sake, right. You deserve to be healthy and happy. I should've done a better job of making sure of that."

"What if we can't- what if I can never-"

Alfie squeezes him tightly. "Then we'll be just fine. Alright? Sad, for a little while, sure, but life goes on. And as long as I have you, that's all that matters."

Tommy huddles closer. Grabs onto the front of Alfie's shirt. "You won't leave?"

With a hand underneath his chin, Alfie gently tilts his head up to kiss him. "Never."

[cbk1000]

So, just got home from my appointment with my new doc. I gave him the Cliff Notes version of all the issues I've been having for the last few months, and I forgot a copy of the initial iron panel that I had done, unfortunately (I meant to bring it and even left it on my computer so I would remember; how did that work for you, dumbass?) but I remembered my numbers, and as soon as I told him what the results were for my initial iron panel, he immediately said, 'That's low."

I KNOW. PLEASE TELL DR. CRAZY THAT.

Basically, he listened to everything I said, asked relevant questions, asked if I'd had my thyroid levels checked (because thyroid can definitely cause some of these problems), said if necessary in future if there are still issues, we can do a thyroid scan, but let's get an updated iron panel done to see where I'm at and if we can increase my dose, work on the iron deficiency, and then go from there. I asked about iron infusions to speed things up, and he said, "Yeah, definitely, we can see if we can get that covered for you if you want to do that." I said I know insurances are a pain when it comes to coverage and a lot of them won't pay unless your hemoglobin is low, and that I have a health savings account and am able and willing to pay out of pocket, and he was like, "Ok, good."

He also offered to refer me to a hematologist, and I said I had thought of asking my last doctor for that, but he was difficult to work with (understatement of the year) and that I figured an appointment with a hematologist would probably be pretty far out anyway, and I'd prefer to try and get in a lot sooner if possible for an infusion. He said, "Yeah, hematology is always backed up." I did say I had been in touch with a telehealth hematologist about possibly ordering an iron infusion, but thought it would probably be faster to go through a local doctor if it was possible to get it ordered through him, but that's at least an option; he was glad to hear I'd been in touch with a hematologist. He wants to see where I'm currently at with my iron panel (I haven't tested it for six weeks) and then figure out what the best course of treatment is based on my numbers. (If I'm at a certain level, an infusion wouldn't be safe, because I'd risk overload, but considering that in four weeks of supplementing, I went up nine points, and then in another four weeks, I went down a point, I'm gonna' be extremely shocked if he comes back like, "Yeah, your ferritin went up to 150, so we can't do an infusion right now."

He actually even brought up POTS and said some of my cardiac symptoms were similar, and I said, "Yeah, I had thought of that, but my heart rate isn't really consistent." He asked if I meant that it wasn't going up when I changed positions, and I said, "Well, it's been coming down as I've been supplementing, and I don't think it would do that if it were POTS. Also, my normal resting heart rate is in the 60s, and on bad days, just lying down in bed, not doing anything, my heart rate is in the 90s. It goes up higher the more I exert myself, obviously, but even lying down doing nothing it's a lot higher than my normal resting heart rate."

I told my previous doctor all of this, and he just ignored all of it and continued to blather on about how the shot had given me POTS.

Do you know what this doctor did? He said, "Oh, yeah, probably not POTS then. Also, if cardiology already checked you out and they didn't even mention it as a possibility, it's probably not."

He also asked if I had a history of iron deficiency anemia, and I said I hadn't had labwork done at the time so I didn't know what my iron levels were or if my hemoglobin was abnormal, but many years ago after a blood donation I started feeling really sick, had the high heart rate and shortness of breath and could barely get off the couch, and I was still living at home at the time, and my mom was a nurse and just put me on iron supplements and that resolved my symptoms, and that those cardiac problems seem to just be how my body responds to low iron.

And he just. Took that at face value. Like, ok, you have a history of this, then, let's work on getting it sorted out and then look at other possibilities if it doesn't all clear up with iron treatment.

So I'm getting my iron panel done Friday, and then we'll go from there with treatment options.

[spoopysquash]

I slept with the guy my ex moved into her apartment. I listened to him talk about his feelings for her, and that's when I realized she had been telling him we were poly.

I knew that the relationship was over. I never bothered informing him that we were only open because I didn't want to make him feel bad.

She was into us having sex. It was the first time in a really long time that I made out with someone. He took the time to have fun with me. He didn't just stick it in me like I didn't matter the way that she always did. It was the first time sex didn't hurt in a long time. The doctor told me my pelvic pain was psychosomatic from where she had raped to me when she was coked out a couple years ago.

Talked about all the stuff we would do. He told me how I was easy to talk to. He was really sweet and gentle.

So when she told me that I ruin everything and ruin her life and pushed me out the door before I could get my stuff, I thought he was staring down because he was freaked out by how nasty she could be all of a sudden.

I left him a note thanking him for showing me how easy it's supposed to be. I left my number so that he had an out because he doesn't know anyone in North Carolina other than her. I know how controlling she can be and how she uses people.

He made it sound like I mattered. But he's just another bystander who watched me be treated awfully. I realize now there was no reason to care about what she did to me or the rape that came up in the final break up convo...because he's been in love with her. He'd be happy I'm out of the way.

He's just another opportunist I let stick their dick in me.

I hate that I felt safe with someone intimately/romantically/ sexually/ whatever for the first time in four years because of how we interacted ...with someone I knew less than a week.

And I spent a month being scared for him because of how controlling she was to me. I know how she isolates people so they won't try to leave.

Only to find out that they're happy.

Yet again, I convinced myself someone was a victim because they couldn't POSSIBLY be okay with someone being awful just to have to accept they just didn't give a shit about me.

Now I see them every week at synagogue. He just follows her around and doesn't talk to anyone. They never smile. It's fucking weird.

I'm grateful I'm away from her. Generally I'm happy apart from crying about everyone I've ever lost tonight

But God, what do I have to do to have one person stand up for me? Just once? All he had to do was say, "hey, at least let them get their stuff. At least let them get their glasses since they can't drive in the dark." Or all my stuffed animals... It took three weeks of nagging to get it back.

I felt safe and like...i might actually be able to regress again after all... for the first time in four years for just a couple days. And it's worse than if I had never felt it again because it's all I want now.

[californiaroadtoad]

Didn't Dave Barry write about something like this?

Aaaaand this week is one for the books. First of all, huge thanks to the folks at GoFundMe, particularly Tech Support, and Max in particular. Got be back up and running with this, and I'm as annoying as ever. So, huge thanks. Still, I remain off work, and I'm still trying to find something I can do for an income for myself. I hate being idled out, and I'd rather be working, but with all the foot dragging involved in getting back to work, I'm not overly sanguine about my chances. That said, I had two more appointments with doctors, and there's a possible avenue out: I have other valid disability claims ahead of me, including stuff with the VA. My body's been pretty badly abused over time, and there's a possible rating for me. Not going to lie: anything would help. I'm also looking at a couple of other avenues, primarily in training for new jobs in other areas, but still with ties to trucking. It's not much, but it's a shot. We're also looking at moving to Idaho, and I can finally spend quality time with my grandkids before they disappear completely. Two of them I never see, but the others? I'm happy to spend time with them. I'm putting in applications around Caldwell, Twin Falls, Jerome, Boise, and a few other areas. I'm not overly impressed with what I'm seeing at the moment, but if I can find the right place, at the right price? Boom. Gone. I'll move someplace that's more affordable. I had considered the Midwest. Iowa's gorgeous, as is Indiana. Spending quality time at Fort Benjamin Harrison was pretty nice, and there's a lot to recommend it. (Not that I'm fond of humidity, tornadoes, and hail, but that's Indianapolis for you.) Part of the joy of being Over The Road is you get a first hand look at so many parts of the nation. There are options I hadn't thought of for a very long time. (I still wish I'd moved to Washington State back in the late 90's when I had a chance, but there's no point in wishing.) One step at a time. In any case, my medical insurance changed. Everything is so bollixed up, and thankfully, I got some help from a lot of people to start getting it straightened out. My doctor at Sutter Medical in Yuba City helped out a lot, as did the new insurance company, though there's still a ways to go in getting it straightened out. I still need to work with a new Primary Care Physician, and with luck, I won't find myself bounced all the way back to the beginning on this journey. I also got a lot of help from our Assemblyman, James Gallagher, and his staff. there were a few snafus on the Disability, but they gave me a lot of encouragement and assistance. So, Erin Huddleson, thank you. You're a huge gem, and a great assist to this old Trucker and family. This, of course, led to a drive up to Chico today, and a chance to speak to the Disability folks up there. The staff was helpful, and went out of their way to assist us. Hopefully, I can make the return trip tomorrow, and we can finish this portion of this fight. If I can finally get cleared by the last of the medical folks, I can maybe, hopefully, possibly, be back to work in another month or two. I'm hoping. Like I said. I'm not sanguine, but I'm trying to stay positive. God knows, it's not easy. And, on another front, remember my mentioning the fraud attempt? Yeah, these guys don't give up. Let's just say it's laughable when they call up, claim they're working for Wells Fargo, then try to wheedle personal information out of you. I didn't give them anything, and I'm waiting for a call back from the Yuba City PD, and this is also being reported to the FBI. I'm not about to sit back and let them try this with anyone else. At least the business which was also being targeted in Roanoke, VA has been able to protect themselves. So that's something. More information as I can get it. I'm going to be so glad when the nightmare is over.

[babebinder]

Veloce narrowed his eyes at Giselle. The woman shrugged and leaned back against the door. She did not return to her book though.

"Got any advice for camping out here?" he asked.

"Shit away from the stream and don't shit where you eat." Giselle shrugged. "With the way the Hollow maintains itself, it's probably not a risk, but I don't camp out here and never bothered to see what does or doesn't stick." She nodded toward the Fog. "You will want to be alert for attacks during the day, but since you just fought off one, there won't be another for at least four days. You'll have a full week of rest before the next attack at best."

"Really? I don't need to worry about getting attacked in my sleep?"

Giselle nodded. "It's a risk in the Pit, but not here."

"Want me to set up away from the door?"

"You can set up on either side of the frame if you feel like it. If you do and keep things neat and compact, I wouldn't mind keeping your things safe if there's an attack and you're not here for whatever reason." She cocked her head toward the Temple doors. "But if it looks like there's going to be a breach, I have different priorities."

"Fair enough, thanks for the offer." Veloce looked over the Hollow. It was just a token review. There wasn't much space, and he didn't know enough to judge one spot from another. "I think I'll take you up on it."

Another nod. "Other than that, I suggest finding something to do with your time. It's usually pretty boring out here."

On one hand, Veloce felt relieved to have the time and space to collect data and move forward with at least some of the studies involved in the experiment. On the other hand, what about Philomena? What was going on back home? The idea of sitting on his hands for a month while he waited for Doctor Johnson and the team to set up a new lab. There were only so many samples he could take and studies he could do in the field with what he had.

At least with Philomena, he had one unconfirmed lead. Turning back to Giselle, he asked, "Did you leave your friend a message? About mine?"

"Associate," Giselle corrected in a cool tone. "But yes, I texted her. She hasn't responded yet, but she should respond by dusk."

"Any suggestions on preparing to go to the Pit and come back if it turns out she's there?"

"The return trip is what I would worry about." Giselle leaned back and looked away as she considered the trip. "My charge may be able to help you circumvent the problem, but if she can't…" She trailed off. "I don't know of another path leading out of the Pit. All I have is speculation."

"What's the worst that could happen?" Veloce asked before his own mind provided him with possibilities.

It could be that the Pit was inescapable by conventional means. It could be that Doctor Johnson and the team wouldn't be able to open a portal into Garden Hollow again without Veloce's assistance. It could be that they would be unable to open a portal to the Pit if Veloce made an expedition in that direction.

"Nevermind, I think I can imagine the worst case scenario."

"Inescapable?"

"More or less."

Giselle huffed, a small laugh judging by the slight curl to her lips. "Excuse me, I shouldn't laugh. You don't know, so you can't imagine," she said. "The Pit is so named as much because it appears to lie within a valley as it is because of its concentrations of negativity that dot the land. Those concentrations are themselves pits, although ones filled."

"A bit like flooded potholes or sinkholes?" Veloce suggested.

"Or pit traps," Giselle shuddered at her own words. "If you do end up exploring there, take my advice: tread known ground whenever possible. Falling into one of the concentrations is... unpleasant."

Veloce furrowed his brow, considering the possibilities. "Not dangerous?" he asked. "You call them concentrations of negativity. I would have expected that they would be spiritually damaging or corruptive."

The idea gave Giselle pause. "Perhaps through long-term exposure that is the case, but in short-term exposures it feels similar to falling into a pit of mud." She grimaced. "Though that's not to say that it's only that bad. There could be a psychological reaction to it, but I have been the only one thus far to suffer the fate, and I have only suffered it the one time. Given my duties and that I was engaged in combat, most of what I felt at the time had many alternative explanations." She shrugged. "The stuff does feel less gritty and grimy as it feels greasy. It flows like water in some moments and like tar in others. It's strange stuff."

Giselle paused a moment. "But I digress. It may be that you will need to dive into those concentrations to leave the Pit."

"What?"

"My charge has speculated that the negativity must come from somewhere. Given that it doesn't saturate the ground and turn the whole Pit into a thick soup, the holes we see may be openings to flooded tunnels." Giselle turned to look at the Fog shrouding the only easy way in or out of Garden Hollow. "It may be that the negativity is like the Fog- an obfuscating fluid zone between more stable places."

Veloce frowned. "Wait, if that's the pattern you're suggesting, then wouldn't that mean that leaving the Pit would involve diving into one of the holes and going someplace worse?"

Though Giselle smiled, it was a sad, resigned thing. "You understand how that is worse right?"

"Garden Hollow is as safe a place as any, plenty to eat and drink with regular attacks by shades. The Pit lacks hospitality, I assume?" At Giselle's nod, Veloce continued, "So that and irregular attacks by shades create a more dangerous environment, but not one that is actively hostile. So diving into one of the concentrations may lead to somewhere where the environment actively threatens the well-being of visitors."

Veloce stared at Giselle for a moment. "Well, fuck."

[what-is-this-world]

Thank you for the comment on star wars. I actually didn't know this, but honestly yall need to complain that's just really awful.

I think the thing to keep in mind though is, in Britain it's not like that. Things here are usually released at a watchable time, and for many people its an event to sit down and watch youre favourite shows live as they release and they like being able to go on the Internet at the same time to see all the fans talk about it. Even the Disney plus releases in Britain aren't midnight when there not done simultaneously. Here it's seen as very disrespectful to push it onto streaming at midnight because no one will watch it at that time. Which just reeks of Americanisation of a British owned property, which is why many people are upset, especially as they feel it reduces the event feel of everyone in the country watching at the same time and just makes it into another streaming slog.

Also, for many brits the slot the Americans have feels like prime time TV. I can't comment on weather it is or not, but for Brits, if feels as though the Americans are getting the better slot than us, despite us owning the franchise.

I mean regarding your last point, many people do feel that way. Because in some sense you(in a general sense) have a monopoly on many of the movies produced. It often takes us months or years to get movies that an American would have today, and they'll often be on streaming sites we don't really have access to. In that context you can understand why some people are annoyed that they won't be the first to watch a show produced in and by their country that they pay for with their tax because the production company seemingly decided to use a time that seems to obviously favour American viewers. Even if they are just following the standard, many Brits still wouldn't like it because the timing is horrible and gives Americans a more ideal viewing time.

Also I believe you made a comment on weather or not newspapers would wait until after the broadcast to publish things amd honestly they wouldn't. They want their scoop as fast as possible and if they leak key plot points they get more clicks and views from some more casual fans waiting for the broadcast.

Edit: The BBC official news channel at least will have something, like a talk panel about the episode to promote their products.

Qlso with regards to the streaming figures, many people domt like it. For a long time it was an event you watch live and streaming was there if you were busy and had to catch up later, or wanted to go back to older episodes. The fact that streaming is prioritised worries many fans and makes them feel like the event of a doctor who episode means less meaning that the UK random will feel less engaged even if they do stay up to watch it.

this streaming shit with doctor who is so stupid. i’ve said this before but i don’t understand why they don’t just keep doing what they did with the specials and drop them simultaneously as they aired on bbc. that was fine.

[thefirsthogokage]

Ok, so I have been working on making a much longer post of advice to people from my experience as a medical receptionist in a psychiatrist's office, but I have recently learned a huge number of people don't know this:

If you will be moving out of state, you need to start looking for a new doctor months before you move.

I know with virtual sessions, people are probably thinking about this even less. However, finding a doctor before you move is necessary because:

Your current doctor most likely does not have a license to practice in the new state. A doctor's license is not the same as a driver's license. Having a doctor's license does NOT mean you can practice in every state, only the one(s) they are licensed in. Odds are, if you have an appointment while you are in a different state from the one your doctor is in, they can't charge your insurance company for the appointment, so you will have to pay for it yourself. TIP: If you go out of town, they might be able to call in another script for you, but you should see if your doctor is willing and able to ask the pharmacy before you leave for an early fill due to travel. This ties in to the next point.

Some states do not let out of state doctors prescribe certain medications, so you might be out of luck getting your meds if you run out without a provider locally to write them. Sometimes Urgent Cares will be able to fill those medications for you. Sometimes. This is also important to know if you are going on vacation in another state. ANOTHER TIP: Some medications are not legal in other countries. Before traveling, make sure your medications are legal in the country you're going to.

If you are moving to an underserved area (as in, there aren't many doctors there, so the ones who are there are probably too overbooked with patients to take on more), it could take several months, maybe even over a year, to get into a new doctor. TIP: If you find all the doctors offices are predicting it's going to take a while to see their doctor, but someone is willing to put an appointment down for you, take it. You can and should keep looking to get in somewhere else sooner after you get that appointment, but take that appointment. If you do get in somewhere else sooner, PLEASE call the other office and cancel your appointment so someone else can have it. Also ask these offices if they have a cancellation list so you could possibly get in sooner, and ask them if they have any idea how fast the list is moving. If they call and offer you something, do your best to take that appointment, because you might not get another offer for a sooner one.

Here are some more tips:

If you are having trouble finding a new local specialist to take you on, start calling primary care doctors that are at least willing to continue your medication in the meantime. Make sure you ask them if they are willing to write the SPECIFIC medications you are on.

If you are on a cancellation list for a doctor, call every few weeks to see if they have an opening. This let's them know you are still interested, and who knows, they might just have an opening they can put you into. While your at it, make sure they have your current number.

Do not shrug off virtual appointments if you prefer an in-person appointments or even vice versa. Some areas are really underserved, so you need to jump on anything that can get you seen.

I repeat: start looking for a new doctor before you move out of state. Hell, start looking for a doctor months in advance even if you are moving far enough out of the area you won't be able to get to your current doctor if they go back to doing all appointments in person.

There are so many areas with not enough doctors to take you on immediately, so you might be out of luck with getting medications when you need them. Some medications cause serious side effects if you stop them cold turkey. Some medications stopping them immediately could get you killed in one way or another.

Please, PLEASE, look for a new doctor well before you move. Don't get yourself into a situation where you are stranded without being able to get your medication.

I encourage people to reblog this. Even if you know this and think it's common knowledge, you have no idea how many intelligent people I have come across who don't know this information.

[kissporsche]

i have a headcanon and i want to bother you with it not only because i dont want to suffer alone, but also because hopefully someone will add it to a fic

[tw mentall illness talk, ptsd mention, ocd mention, panic attack mention]

so, i think macau and vegas (all theerapanyakul children really) are a lot more codependent than we could see in the series. vegas believes macau will leave him because that's how his mind works, but I can't imagine macau ever leaving because vegas is his protector. every single traumatic event he went through in his life, his big brother was by his side, probably putting himself in harm's way to protect his baby brother from the worst of it. the first time macau had to go through trauma alone was when vegas almost died. he has to have developed a level of PTSD from it.

imagine it: macau waking pete up with his screams as he dreams about vegas dying or his dead father haunting him; macau losing sleep for days, spending hours barely blinking as he watches vegas's monitors to make sure his heart was still beating; macau maybe developing OCD and picking up rituals he believes will keep his brother from dying (knocking the doorframe ten times, always standing on the right side of his bed, holding the chopsticks with his non dominant hand, maybe even refusing to eat any sort of funeral food and not letting people feed it to vegas when he wakes up); getting extremely anxious if vegas is out of his view, and later if Pete is out of view as well, since he became family.

of course, vegas and Pete notice it's happening and they can't do anything about it other than reassuring him they are fine and they won't die and he will never be alone. they take him out of school because he is failing every class anyway and talk to the main family's doctor to see what they can do to help him.

pete and vegas know they have to leave the main family's compound as soon as possible or else they'll remain slaves to korn and vulnerable to his plans, whatever they are for them, but they know it will be impossibly stressful for macau. vegas eventually gets angry and screams that he should get over it and, look, he is fine, he won't die, but if he does macau has to be able to deal with it because mafia life is just like that. pete gets pissed at him and has to manage macau on his own, because he starts panicking and crying, and vegas crumbles seeing it, but macau won't let him touch him.

later they talk and macau says they can leave, he is ready to leave, and vegaspete know he isn't but they have no choice, so they go along anyway. it takes months more than it would if macau was better, but they manage to run and the next entire year, instead of trying to gather themselves up, vegaspete put all their energy to getting macau back together, at least enough so that he can go back to school (a new school, of courses, under a new name) so they can follow their plans (in my hand their plan would be to found another mafia group distinct from the main and minor families)

OKAY HOW DID YOU GET INTO MY GOOGLEDOCS BECAUSE YOU SENT THIS NO MORE THAN 5 MINUTES AFTER I WROTE THIS AS A NOTE FOR KP WEEK:

I am fully in support of both sharing suffering AND soliciting fic writers for stories, so if any writers would like to run with this PLEASE go for it!!!

I totally agree that Vegas has done a hell of a lot to try and shield Macau from the worst of the world they live in, but I don't think any Theerapanyakul has come out of this unscathed. Macau had to get the news that not only had his father been killed by his uncle (probably not a surprise all things considered), but his brother was also fighting for his life and might not make it. Oh, and the minor family is now under the control of someone new and he's officially under Korn's "care", as is Vegas if he even lives.

That poor boy's whole life just got ripped up into pieces and for the first time in his life he DOESN'T have his big brother there to help him through it. I think it's a big reason why he and Pete bond so quickly during that time, because Macau desperately needs a big brother to support him and Pete needs to be useful for someone.

But yeah totally agree that the PTSD (not just for Macau, for all of them) could spiral out of control because although they all try to help each other through it they aren't therapists, they love each other but they're still all broken and jagged at the edges and can't do everything perfectly all the time. Especially because Macau is still so young, it hits him hard and the fact they're still stuck under Korn for the time being means it's impossible to move on.

AAA thank you for sharing your idea!! Any fic writers want to do this idea justice for our sweet Macau, please go ahead!

[julemmaes]

Like I'm Drowning

Rowaelin Month, Day Twelve

A/N: Sorry about this, blame @thewayshedreamed, she's the one who wanted more angst.

This will have a fourth part, for obvious reasons;)

part one, part two

Word count: 3,874

It was two days after Aelin had left their home. It was about eleven o'clock in the evening when the walls of what had once been his favourite place had shaken with the force of Lorcan's fists on the front door, shouting at Rowan to let him in.

He had not answered.

He couldn't have done so even if he'd wanted to because his legs had stopped working and the muscles in his neck had been reduced to jelly over the last forty-eight hours, sip after sip of whatever alcohol he'd found in the cabinet.

He lay on the floor, his face in a pool of his own vomit, too heedless to care, too sore to move. In any case, he had stopped smelling the stench hours ago.

Another ten minutes had passed, in which his best friend had threatened over and over again to call the police if he didn't open the fucking door, before Lorcan had slammed his shoulder into it.

He hadn't been able to move in time when the door unhinged from the wall fell partially on him, hitting him in the head with one of the now splintered edges. He grunted in pain and could smell the blood as it began to trickle down his forehead, onto his nose, and he was relieved - he wasn't dead. Rowan had not been sure of it until that moment.

The other was there an instant later, taking the door off him, leaning it against the wall.

And the sharp breath he took was a dagger straight to Rowan's heart.

He didn't want him to see him like this.

He had never heard Lorcan's voice like that. So shocked, so worried. Whatever emotions he was feeling at the moment were blocking him from approaching him. Almost as if he was afraid of scaring him. Of breaking him more than he already was.

Rowan shook his head what he could, he didn't want him to see him like this. He didn't deserve his help.

"God, Rowan, what have you done?"

The relief at finding out he was still alive lasted a moment though, as the pain in his chest hit him so hard it took his breath away and he pulled himself up onto all fours before yet another wave of gags shook his body. He opened his mouth, hoping that this time something would come out, but he choked on nothing. His eyes filled with tears and Rowan wondered how that was possible.

There should have been nothing in his body.

He’d been in this conditions since the day before.

He felt a hand settle on his back, rubbing up and down as Lorcan tried to figure out what was going on, and his brain betrayed him, showing him images of a life he had taken for granted all along, from the second she had been his.

Him on the bathroom floor a few months earlier.

A box of somewhat-too-spicy Chinese food on their coffee table.

And Aelin.

Her hands on his back.

He shook off Lorcan's hand, "Don't touch me."

The words burned his throat and another gag went up his esophagus.

He stayed in that position for a few minutes, his back rising and falling frantically with each breath where he seemed to be unable to get enough air in.

"Rowan."

He didn't look at him. He couldn't.

"Rowan, you hear me?"

Lorcan ducked down, crouching beside him, reaching out to put a hand on his shoulder, but he seemed to remember what he'd just asked him not to do as soon as he gave him a startled look. If he touched him again, he didn't know what his broken mind would show him. He was terrified of it.

With a grimace, Lorcan clenched both hands into fists and took a deep breath, closing his eyes as the sour smell of vomit and what Rowan was ashamed to admit was his own piss reached his nostrils. When he opened them again there was a distinct determination in his gaze and Rowan had to pull his eyes back to the floor.

He thought he had found a sort of calm in which he might even be able to answer Lorcan's questions, but he was wrong. He was so wrong.

"What happened?”

“I feel-” he tried to speak, failing, “I feel like I’m drowing.”

“Why? What happened?” he asked again. And then the final hit, “Where's Aelin?"

There was no stopping the first sob. His vision went totally blurry, blackening everything in front of him until all he could see was the image of her, and his chest constricted to the point where breathing was no longer even an option. He fell to the side, against the wall, and there was no stopping the desperate crying that washed over him.

***

It was three days after Aelin had left their home. It was eight o'clock in the evening when Elide and Lorcan had asked him if he would like to go back there after leaving the hospital. It was twenty past eight when they had reached his street and he was counting down the seconds till he got to smell her perfume in the air again.

He had entered the house and tried not to breathe through his nose, realising he was not ready to remember what her scent was. He noticed how everything had been cleaned, tidied up or fixed and he didn't have the mental or physical trength to turn around, hug his friends and thank them.

He looked towards the kitchen, on the table. The letter was no longer there.

"Where is it?" he asked in a hoarse voice.

He hadn't spoken in the last few hours. Not to the couple he knew was staring at him from the doorway.

He'd been forced to answer questions from the doctors, from his coaches asking him how much time he needed. Lorcan had warned him that he'd lied for him, that he'd told them someone dear to them both had suffered a serious injury and died.

Rowan had looked at him and said a simple thank you while he lay on his hospital bed, despite knowing how much a fuckup of that magnitude risked not only his career, but Lorcan's as well.

It was Elide who had the courage to answer him, "What?"

"The letter."

"Oh." she whispered, "I put it in your room."

He nodded. Running a hand over his face he turned to them, noting how they both looked ready to launch themselves forward if they thought Rowan was going to crumble once more time.

He saw Lorcan clench his jaw and then look away before saying, "You won't find any alcohol, I threw away what was left."

Elide smiled at him with watery eyes, trying to change the subject as fast as possible, "If you need anything, you can always come to our place. You know that. We have-"

He interrupted her abruptly. He didn't look at her as he said in a harsh tone, "Thank you for everything, you can go now."

She took a sharp breath, nodding dryly and turning, hurrying out of the house. Lorcan followed her with his gaze the whole time, telling her he would join her in the car in a moment.

When he met Rowan's gaze again, the voice was the one he'd used all the years in high school when he'd been his captain. It gave no room for argument.

"I don't know what you're going through. I don't even want to begin to think about how painful it is to lose someone so important."

She didn’t die, he wanted to say. She left me.

I gave up on her. I don’t deserve her.

The steel mask Rowan was wearing seemed to be already starting to crack. He needed Lorcan to leave before he couldn't control his emotions.

He had already done too much for him.

He didn't deserve any of what they were offering him. He didn’t deserve anything.

"I can hardly imagine what I would do if I were in your position. If Elide-" he paused, closing his eyes. "I'm sorry, for what's happening. It's not easy, I understand, but whatever you're doing right now, it's not the solution. Treating me and Elide like this isn't going to drive us away, and before you tell me you don't need anything, let me just say that finding you lying in a pool of your own vomit completely hammered, out of your mind was one of the most horrifying things I've ever had to see." he took a step forward, placing a hand on Rowan's shoulder.

He had the instinct to pull away, but the grip on his jacket tightened, pinning him in place.

"I'm not letting you go, okay? I'm not going to let you throw away your career like this," he told him, looking him straight in the eye. "I'm not going to lecture you about what happened the other day. I know I would have done a lot worse, but you have to promise me that it won't happen again."

Lorcan's voice faltered at last and Rowan was surprised to see his eyes glaze over.

He nodded, his mouth slightly open, shocked at his friend's reaction.

"Promise me."

He hurried to whisper, "I promise."

Lorcan nodded, pulling Rowan to him and hugging him. He closed his eyes as the man in front of him held him together without even realising.

When they pulled away, they pretended not to hear the way they were sniffing, or the tears on both men's cheeks. They said a simple goodbye and then Rowan was alone.

Again.

He climbed the stairs slowly, walking like a dead man down the corridor filled with memories of him carrying Aelin in his arms on that very floor, and when he reached the door to their room, he hesitated.

He brushed against the knob, gripping it in his hand.

He stared at the wood in front of him and felt panic assail him.

Rowan turned on his heel, running for the stairs, the exit, hoping that Lorcan had not already left.

He threw open the door of the ghost-filled house and ran out, intent on never returning.

***

It was two weeks after Aelin left their home. Eleven days since he'd run away in a panic. Ten days since Lorcan had convinced Rowan to go back there, at least to pack up his things.

Nine days since Rowan had destroyed their room, screaming and sobbing as he tore the curtains from the windows and threw what little of her he had left against the wall.

Every ornament, every picture frame.

He'd screamed at Lorcan when he'd tried to stop it.

He hadn't succeeded. Rowan had razed their home to the ground, shattering every happy memory they had created over the years in those four walls.

Only when he'd found Aelin's ring had he stopped, bursting into tears so loud that the first sob had startled Lorcan, holding the small object to his chest.

They had gone back to Lorcan’s, and Elide had stood there looking at him with wide eyes, before running to get the first aid kit to clean the wounds Rowan had caused himself. More or less deep cuts, which his friends said should have been stitched up by actual doctors, but Rowan doubted they wouldn't lock him up in the psychiatric ward if he went to the emergency room for the sixth time in such a short time.

Especially if he came in with shards of glass between his fingers.

He hadn't kept his promise to Lorcan.

He'd drank again. He'd gotten into a couple of fights. He hadn't been back to the rink.

He hadn't skated in a fortnight. Longest period of his life off the ice.

But he couldn't do it.

He couldn't do anything. And it was all his fault.

***

It was three months and one day after Aelin had left their home. He had called Lysandra every day since Lorcan had forced him out of his and Elide's house, finding him a place right outside their team's arena. The woman had never given him any real answers, only reassuring him that Aelin was fine and that he should start moving on, too.

That too had broken something inside of him. The implications that Aelin had found someone else.

He couldn’t even bare being in the same room as another woman knowing they’d all be looking at him trying to get in his pants.

Aelin had always been the only one who wanted him for who he truly was, not his money. Not his status.

She had wished all those things gone so many times.

And she had left him.

He had let her go.

The team had sent a physiotherapist to his house every day for the first month, and then every week, accompanied by a shrink. Rowan had managed to drain them all. One after the other.

He was sure Lorcan had lost all hope too, but he continued undaunted to help him, going to his house every day after practice, without ever missing one day.

Rowan knew that Aelin had called him one night, almost a month before. Lorcan had told him, how she had begged him to tell her that he was alright, even though it wasn't true. His friend had also told him that she'd seemed to be drunk, and when she had hung up and both he and Elide had tried to call her back, Aelin had blocked their numbers.

From what he knew, she'd only unblocked Elide's, but she hadn't given him any kind of information about Aelin and he knew she'd never say anything.

He had hurt her - Elide. Rowan knew he'd treated her like little more than trash, both her and Lorcan, but however much he'd hurt her, it didn't seem to bother him in the slightest.

He should have felt something for his friends who had given him everything in the last period, but Rowan could not care less than what they had to go through for him.

Now he was waiting for Lorcan, sitting at the table, to show him he was alright. Putting on his daily show and reassuring his friend that everything was going great, he just wasn't ready to skate again yet. The other one would look at him, yell at him a few minutes before walking out of his miserably empty flat slamming the door.

Rowan was just waiting for the day when he wouldn't show up or when he would tell him he wasn't coming, saying goodbye one last time.

He knew it would happen, one way or another, and Rowan didn't know how to stop the mess that had become his life.

That day it wasn't Lorcan who entered his house, but someone else. Rowan opened the door and saw his agent, his team president, and his coaches, along with the athletic trainers.

They had given him an ultimatum.

Either you go back to slacking off after Christmas break or we break your contract, you're off the team and you lose lots of money.

The president had been particularly emphatic on the subject of money, but for Rowan that would be the least important thing.

It wasn't until the evening after New Year's Eve that he had made a decision.

Lysandra, whom he hadn't seen in person in more than two months, had entered his house looking like someone who hadn't slept in years. She had forced him out of bed, shouting at him to wash up, to clean his house. She had made it so Rowan couldn't talk back, never letting him speak, pushing him left and right.

She had taken him outside, something he hadn't done in weeks, so much so that the sun had hurt his eyes for the first two hours. She had forced him to buy new clothes and all the missing furniture in his house.

She had stayed with him for three days.

Three extremely long days in which she had swore at him, insulted him in every possible way imaginable by the human mind. They'd nearly come to blows when she'd touched a sore spot and Rowan had threatened to call Aedion to haul her away.

She'd dragged him to the party Fenrys had thrown for the New Year and for the first time in months, Rowan had smiled.

Elide had started crying when she'd seen him, Lorcan on the verge of tears as well. They had both hugged him and Rowan had begged for their forgiveness.

That night, Rowan thought things would be different for him for the first time.

He'd been wrong.

Again.

***

It was four years and twenty-seven days after Aelin had left their home. Four years since he had received no news of her. Three years since he stopped asking.

Rowan had been zapping through channels for so many hours now that the glaring light of the TV didn't even bother him anymore. His eyes were slightly glazed over as he stared at the screen, not really looking at the images in front of him. He caught a glimpse of a sentence here and there, ignoring the constant tinkle coming from his phone that warned him that Lorcan still didn't give up on talking to him every day from the moment he woke up to the moment he went to sleep. Even when he was on holiday with his now wife.

They had won yet another cup. The third win in a row.

Sometimes Rowan could hardly believe it.

Three Stanley Cups.

On his dream team.

He should have been excited. No, not excited.

He should have been the happiest man on earth. He should have been out celebrating with his teammates, vacationing on a tropical beach like Lorcan was doing, surrounding himself with girls ready to offer him anything to spend even just one night with him.

But Rowan didn't want to.

Rowan felt nothing – he had not felt anything in the last few years of his life. How did he expect to start now? For a measly win.

He hated hockey. He hated the sport. Hated the fans, his teammates.

He hated his life.

He was about to turn off the TV, confident that he would be able to sleep tonight without the help of the meds the team kept giving him to keep him from collapsing during the games, when his finger froze on the remote.

He didn't know what he was watching, but it seemed to be a channel about gossip, and Rowan felt a pang of anger well up in his chest. It seemed to be the only emotion he still felt from time to time.

Shocked and pissed that someone had felt the need to devote an entire channel to minding other people's business, he stood up, ready to pass out in his cold bed, when the words of the man on the screen stopped him in his tracks.

"And now to the latest news, straight from the social of the Toronto Maple Leafs' rookie player, Chaol Westfall, who has announced his marriage to the stunningly beautiful girlfriend, Aelin Galathynius. She has never been very active on social media, in fact, for somebody with such a charm, she'd be perfect in the role of influencer, but-"

Rowan stopped hearing.

He felt his body's reaction in time, and rushing to the kitchen, he managed to get everything his body was rejecting in the sink. He heaved in there till the last bit of what he’d eaten a few hours ago.

His heart was racing and he had to grip the counter to keep from kneeling on the floor.

That couldn’t be true.

Aelin was getting married.

Aelin was getting married to an hockey player.

The anger blinded him as her words flashed before his eyes.

I can’t do this anymore.

I’m weak. I’m so tired.

This isn’t the life I wanted for us.

I wish I could be your “’till death do us apart”, but I can’t.

The sound that came out of him was not human as he ran to his room and snatched the ring from the drawer next to his bed, the letter that just went wherever he went and raced out of the flat that never felt his own anyway.

***

It was four years and thirty days after Aelin had left their home.

Rowan stood in front of the journalists. Everyone was gaping at him, his teammates on the sidelines were looking his way as if he’d grown three heads.

And he couldn’t blame them, but he had needed to do this a long time ago.

He’d talked to his agents, the team’s president, everyone he had needed to to make this happen and he hadn’t felt such freedom in so long.

The questions just kept on coming and coming and he couldn’t distinguish the words. But he didn’t care.

He only needed to make this statement in front of everyone.

“I’m aware that leaving this team right now is a foolish and completely insane idea, but this world has taken too much from me already. My contract with the Senators ended with this season and I know everyone was expecting me to say which team I’m heading off to, but I’m quitting.

“I should have done this a long time ago and I’m sure the person this is for won’t even see this interview, but I love someone who thought she wasn’t enough for me. She told me four years ago her love wasn’t enough. I’m leaving cause hockey has not been a source of happiness in a very long time and it ruined everything good I ever had.

“I thought I loved playing cause of the adrenaline. The pride in a win. The chills when you score. But no, it wasn't that.”

I loved seeing her smile whenever I scored for her. The way she used to put medications on my wounds and bruises whenever I got hit too hard. Or the way we used to get all cuddled up after a long flight, after weeks of not seeing each other. I loved how my jerseys fit her – the way my clothes fit her.

He turned to his teammates, the people he owned a lot but couldn’t bring himself to care enough of to stay with them, “Being on this team would only make it worse. I’m sorry guys, I hope you can understand. This isn’t what I want right now.”

And right before he could get off the stage that had been set up for him, someone screamed from the crown.

“What are you going to do now?”

He didn’t stop to reply, avoiding everyone’s gazes and keeping on walking until he reached the exit of the arena. The chill air hit him hard as he went out on the street and got on the car.

This was the last time he’d be able to use one of the team’s cars.

The driver looked at him in the mirror, “Where to?”

“The airport, please.”

The man nodded and started the engine and Rowan felt something he hadn’t felt in years.

Hope.

Now, I’m going to get her.

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[softhxtch]

TITTLE: Just Be Here

SUMMARY: Reader just finished a case and her husband, Aaron Hotchner is always there to support her. 

PAIRING: female! reader x Aaron Hotchner

CHARACTERS: reader, Aaron Hotchner, Emily Prentiss and David Rossi (literally for a second), Allison (OC)

WARNINGS: child assault and abuse; mentions of misscariage, alcohol usage, body fluids (blood, urine, vomit), pornography.

WORD COUNT: 3,5K

A/N: am i back? i don’t know hahah, but it’s something, right? again in this story Jack doesn’t really exist, sorry. and again CAC - Crimes Against Children.

'Hey, sweetie. You're safe, okay? Nobody's gonna hurt you anymore.', you whispered taking little girl into your arms. She was sobbing quietly with tears falling down her pink cheeks. She was no more than three years old, still in her purple pajamas, that were dirty form all the body fluids person can imagine and also dirty room she was held in. 'You're safe, Allison. You're safe.', you kept repeating and little girl just held her hands around you even tighter.

You looked around the room and the whole sight was just horrible. No windows, barely any lights, cages, blood and urine all over the floor. Just an awful place to be in let alone to live for months. Even the smallest thought of what was going on before the whole team came in gave you shivers and blood started to boil inside you. The place was there for years at that point and no one knew about it. You were just looking at your teammates, taking the rest of the kids out of the building. Some were crying, some were screaming and some were just clinging to the agents hoping that they would never comeback. And they never will. You would make sure of that.

' Allison, we have to go.', you said quietly, trying not to scare her. But little girl just shook her head and tightened her arms around your neck. 'We have to go. You need to see a doctor. It's scary, I know, but I'm gonna be with you all the time, okay?'

It wasn't easy to convince Allison to come out of the building, but after some negotiations and conversations with you she agreed. You're holding her in your arms as close as possible, trying to avoid the blue and red lights that were blinding both of you in the dark night.

Hospitals were always the last place that you're wanted to be. If you were the it only meant that either someone from your team or family was injured or one of the victims from your case were in tragic condition.

To put it straight, hospitals were never a good sign.

But you couldn't go home, not just yet. You promised Allison, that you would be with her this whole time, so you were also there when she got a check up from the pediatrician. You were holding her hand, caressing the back of it from time to time just to reassure her that you're there. Sometimes your would just add how great she was doing and how strong it is.

'Home.', Allison whined as doctor was checking on one of her bruised legs. Few tears fell down her cheeks, which made your hear break. It was horrible to seeing anyone in that position, but especially a child.

'You're doing great, Allison. Just few more minutes, okay?', you said quietly, taking hair out of her forehead.

'I just need to check the other leg and then you can have a long nap, till morning. How does that sound?', doctor asked and written down something on her notepad.

'I think it's great! Do you, Sonnie?', you said with a happy voice, looking at a little girl. She just nodded, still pouting from her cry few seconds ago. 'I'll be right back.', you said when you heard familiar phone ring. Doctor nodded understanding, but Allison held your hand not wanting to let you go. ' Allison, I'll be back in few minutes. I just need to answer that call, okay? You will be able to see me through the glass. I'm not going anywhere and until then you'll stay with Doctor Ashley.', you explained.

She wasn't convinced at all. It took you few more minutes for to actually let go of your hand. You explained everything a least three times. Doctor eyed you few times, but you just tried to ignore her. After years of working with children you knew how long it sometimes takes to convince them. Especially the ones that have been seriously hurt. They just wanted someone to be with them through the whole process and you understood it one hundred percent.

You sent Allison a small smile, saying one more time, that you'll be back in few minutes. After that you left the room and took out phone, dialing number that called you before.

'Hi.', you heard deep, yet soft voice on the other side. You sighed and replied with the same thing. 'Long night?'

'Yeah and I can't even see the end of it.', you answered and heard your husband's laugh. 'It wasn't a joke.', you added, rolling your eyes.

'I know. But it's kind of ironic considering that the sun will be up in less than an hour.', Aaron said. You could hear him moving around the house. Walking from bathroom to bedroom, probably getting ready for work. 'How are the kids?'

'Fine, if you could say it after living in a basement for most of your life and posing for creepy middle aged men.', you answered, feeling the shivers on your arms. The images that you saw literally just came back. And you can expect they will be coming back more often, but this time in your nightmares.

'All alive?', Aaron asked. You could hear him doing something in the kitchen, which made you smile, still looking at Allison. You actually would do everything to be right now with him in that kitchen. Waiting for his famous muffins with bacon and eggs, like he would do whenever both of you had day off.

'Yes, all eight of them.', you nodded. 'You're heading to work now? It's a bit early, even for you.'

'Not yet.', he answered quickly. You could hear another chews from the other side, which actually made your stomach going louder. 'But yesterday I picked up from the post office that coffee table, that you ordered and I thought I would put it together.'

'You're gonna put a coffee table together? At-', you asked surprised, looking at the watch on your phone. '-4:38 in the morning? Are you okay?', you added with a laugh.

'What can I say? I'm just bored without you.', he answered. Right after that you heard a loud noise from the other side and a quiet curse from Aaron.

'You're okay?', you asked, furrowing you brows.

'Yes. I'm looking for the box with all the tools.', he replied. 'I think I'll ask Morgan about them. He'll know what I should use.'

'How about you leave it to me, huh? I'll do it, because we don't want another trip to ER. It'll be third time this year, they'll assume that I'm assaulting you.', you laughed, hearing just quick 'hey!' from your husband.

For the first time in hours you actually felt nice. You didn't had constant fear in your head about the case. You weren't even thinking about it, right now what you were thinking about was Aaron and that stupid coffee table. And he knew about it, that was the reason why he called. After you were in a car with Allison and two policemen, you texted him that the case was over and you're headed to the hospital with victims. Both of you always do it, just to reassure each other that the other person is fine. Aaron on top of that would always call you. He's a very light sleeper, even waking up when you stir in bed sometimes, so every vibrations of his phone wakes him up. No matter what the time is on the clock, he always calls you. He knows how much you love your job and how saving kids was your thing. You loved it, after few years in narcotics unit you know you found your place. But Aaron also knew that you get very into the cases and you involve yourself a lot and if the case goes wrong you blame yourself really hard. Especially being a unit chief, just like him. So he always tried to light the mood even just a little and talk about the day, whatever comes to his mind.

'You're staying in the hospital, right?', it almost wasn't a question. It wasn't anything new to be honest. A lot of the times you would comeback to the hospital with the victims and especially with this case. He knew it wouldn't be different. You were working on it for over a month and it was draining you.

'Don't think I have a choice.', you admitted, looking back at Allison who was also starring at you. The doctor stopped examination and was about to leave. 'One of the girls won't let me go.'

'Just be careful, okay? And take care. Don't forget to eat something.', he reminded, knowing the previous situations.

'I will.', you reassured him. 'I love you.'

'I love you too, sweetheart. Give me a call later in a day.', Aaron said and you agreed.

After you said your goodbyes, you put the phone in the pocket and went back to the room. Allison immediately opened her arms and you laughed coming closer.

'You're back!', she said loudly, which made you laugh even more. Doctor Ashley smiled at both of you and left the room.

'I said I will.', you reminded her, patting her head. You could clearly see the tiredness in her eyes and how hard she was trying not to fall asleep. 'I think it's good time for a sleep.', you proposed, but Jade just shook her head immediately, taking back. ' Allison, you need to sleep.'

'Not sleepy.', she answered quietly, putting knees closer to her chest. 'Don't want to sleep.'

'You've been awake for a long time, Sonnie. You need to rest. I do too. Everyone needs to sleep so they will have energy for the next day.', you explained, but she once again shook her head. 'I'll be there the whole time. Nothing's gonna happen to you. You're safe.'

'Seven minutes?', she asked, trying to stop the yaw. You nodded and observed how she put her head on the pillow, drifting away from the real world.

Aaron Hotchner looked at his watch for the tenth time in the last 8 minutes. He signed and went back to signing papers in front him.

It was a slow day. Most paper work days were slow, but this one was even slower. He just couldn't focus. His thoughts were everywhere but in that office. He was thinking about his wife and what she's about to at that moment, probably still at hospital with the little girl. It was literally breaking his heart when he was thinking about your job and side effects, but also about your personal issues.

Being married for almost six years and together over eight, was something he was very proud of. He loved you with his whole heart and couldn't see anyone but you. The whole team always loved to see when a woman would flirt with Aaron, because it was always so funny to see him nicely declining the actions. Aaron Hotchner was a strong man with a very intimidating vibe, his voice could literally break you into a meltdown and get when a woman would approach him his eyes would always look for you. He just couldn't see his world existing without you.

With that being said he also knows you very well. Whenever something was wrong, he could feel it. Just from the look in your eyes or movement. You almost didn't have to talk to have a conversation. He understood you without any words and so did you.

After long nights when there were only you two together, Aaron knew what you wanted. Be knew all your dreams and wishes. Where you would like to go for vacations or favourite cuisine. Things that he could control. He also knew about your dream job and family wishes. Things he couldn't control and everytime Aaron would think about this, his heart would break into thousand pieces. Because if he could he would give you everything that you wanted and to do that he would sacrifice anything he could.

Quiet sound of a clock, that was announcing noon, got Aaron out of his thoughts. He looked at the clock just to assure himself of the hour and pressed his lips into thin line. Then he just closed the files on the rest, took coat and walked out of the room. Aaron walked to his friend's office and knocked on the door. He opened them after quick 'come in'.

'Dave, I'm gonna be back in an hour.', Aaron said, looking at the older man working on his papers. He looked up with pen still between his fingers.

'Everything's okay?', Dave asked and got quick nod from Aaron. 'Y/N's at the hospital again?'

'Yeah, they finished the case few hours ago so I'm sure she hasn't ate anything since.', he explained. 'I'm just gonna bring her food and come back.'

'No problem. If anything happens, we'll call you.', David said, waving younger man off. Aaron just laughed and closed the door. Then he walked down the stairs, wanting to leave the office.

'Hey, Hotch! Are you going again to get some food?', Emily's voice stopped him from going further. He turned around to face not only her, but three other agents. 'You're going outside, right?'

'Yes, Emily.', he sighed. 'But I'm not going to the place you love to eat from.'

'I figured. But maybe you would want to do us a favor and go there? Since you're already going outside the office.', she explained and Derek started to come closer with JJ right behind him. 'Look, it's raining outside and it's pointless to have two wet agents in the office. We will pay for the gas and also your food, huh?'

'Just text me your order and I'll see what I can do.', Aaron said, rolling his eyes slightly. Then he turned around and started walking towards the elevators, still hearing voices of agents behind him, who were deciding on the order.

Pediatric floor of the hospital was as always busy. Kids running around, parents trying to keep up with them, crying children from everywhere you can imagine and on top of that walls with so many colours, that he thought that someone vomited on them. He had no problem of finding the room where you were. Of course with a help from nurses.

Aaron slowly opened the door from the hospital room. He was expecting for either you or the child to be asleep and he didn't want to wake anybody up. But the sight inside made just his heart to melt.

You were sitting on the couch with Allison sleeping in your arms. Her head was on your chest and arms were really tight around the back. Her moth were slightly open, just like yours. But you also had your head hung back and he was sure he'd hear your complaints about the neck pains for the next week.

Aaron slowly put the package with your favourite food and something tasty for children on the small table near the door. Then he took the blanket from the bed and put it over you and the little girl, knowing how cold you must be from laying down in one place for so long. After that he just put a light kiss on your forehead and with one last look he left the room.

Aaron got to the elevator and took out his phone, checking out one message from Emily.

If you are going to the place near the hospital and there's a girl with short red hair, then say that you would like to order for Agent Prentiss 😘

He furrowed his brows at the message and dialed her right away.

'Did I say something wrong?', she answered after one signal.

'How this girl supposed to know your order?', he asked, looking at the numbers of elevator going down.

'She'll know, trust me. I've been there many time.', Emily laughed and Aaron could practically see her smile through the phone.

'Whatever.', he sighed, hearing the ding from the elevator. 'Oh and Prentiss?', Aaron called and heard quick 'yeah' from the other side. 'Stop sending me emojis. It's highly unprofessional to do it to your boss and it's making me uncomfortable.', he ended, walking out of the hospital.

You could physically feel lighter closing the door to you home. Everything related to work you always tried to leave outside this house and treat this place like an escape. And it was a long few weeks, so you were nothing but happy and relieved that it's over.

The house was quiet and dark. You could only see dim light from the living room and just thinking about it made you smile. You took off your jacked and boots, leaving the bag at the usual place and started walking towards the light. As you saw Aaron sitting on the couch with his eyes closed, you smiled even wider. His feet were on the coffee table and he had a glass of whiskey in his hand.

You leaned on the door frame and with arms crossed on the chest, you observed him.

'I'm awake.', Aaron said with raspy voice. You knew that he was probably sitting here for a while already.

'I know.', you answered and started walking towards the cabinet with alcohols. 'Aaron Hotchner is at home before me. What's happening in this world? Did they closed the FBI building?', you joked while pouring wine into a glass and sitting next to him.

'Very funny.', he answered with a sarcasm. He put arms around your shoulders and kissed your temple.

'I actually am.', you said, taking a sip. 'But I'm glad you're here.'

'Anytime.', he hummed, placing one more kiss on your head.

'Except the time you're working.', you joked and he just rolled his eyes. 'Thank you for the dinner, by the way. Although I would get something to eat myself, you know?'

'Yeah, you would probably eat your first meal of the day right now. I know you, Y/N.', he said, caressing your arm. 'So, how's the girl?'

'Allison?', you asked, reminding yourself of her beautiful smile in your head. Aaron only nodded, taking a sip from his glass, telling you to continue. 'She's gonna be okay, I hope. But she went through a lot.'

'You got close to her.'

'Yeah.', you admitted. 'I know what you think, Aaron. I know that it's not a good thing, I Get close to those kids and then I come home and they're not there. I know how this looks like. But I swear I just want to help them.'

'I know. But also you need to realize, that when they'll go to foster care they won't have someone to look after them every minute they're there. That there's gonna be many more kids their age and the attention you're giving them right now won't be given to them anymore.', he finished, looking down at you.

'Maybe they don't have to go to foster care.', you whispered, hugging your husband closer.

'You want to adopt a child?', Aaron asked slowly getting to the conclusion and realizing something else. 'You wanna adopt Allison.'

'I do.', you admitted. 'But I won't do it.', you added, sitting straight. Aaron just gave you questioning look. 'They found her mother in Portland, she'll come and get her tomorrow. Ignoring the fact that she doesn't have any job, is living in a two bedroom apartment with four other roommates and all the money goes to the alcohol. Yeah, so Allison has a bright future ahead of her.'

'You never know.', he answered. You put head on his chest once again and laid there for few minutes in silence, trying to relax.

'So, you actually put that table together.', you said keeping the eyes in small brown table in front of you, with Aaron's feet on top.

'I thought you'll never notice.', he answered almost sounding hurt.

'Oh, I did. Just wanted to hold the suspension for a little while.', you smiled and kissed him on the lips. 'Derek did it, am I right?', you whispered, narrowing your eyes.

'No.', he answered simply.

'Liar.', you whispered again, kissing him one more time, but stopping after you hear his phone going off. 'Everything's okay?', you asked.

'Yeah, just Emily.' he answered, but started explaining seing your confused face. 'I gave Emily's number to one of the girls that she has crush on from the restaurant. And I guess she had a good evening.', he ended and showed you the text.

SSA aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner, you are truly THE  man 🥰🤭💗🍑

[whiskeyandwolfsbane]

8/4 - 12:22PM

I gave up putting titles on these, I can never think of fun ones or even ones that make sense, lol..

I finally got my drains out today! Thank fuck for that. It was a pretty awkward experience - my mom was there, which was fine, but there were also three other people in addition to the one person who has handled all my pre-op appointments this far. Two nurses in training, and a floating nurse, or something like that.

Getting the drains out felt weird, hurt a bit, but stopped bothering me after less than two minutes. Then I got all the info on how to take care of scars, the dressing, etc. I was asked if I wanted to get a picture and I told them no - that was a lie, I did want to get a picture, but I already felt weird enough with so many people in the room so I balked.

I'll probably be able to get a picture later tonight or at my next appointment on the 11th at my next post-op at least, so I can get an idea of how my recovery is going physically.

I asked the main nurse after everyone left whether or not she could help me figure out this certificate my job wanted me to fill out. The paperwork for medical leave has been a fucking nightmare so I was relieved when she said she could help fill it out and then see about getting it to the surgeon, whose signature and what not was needed.

Now, I don't think I've mentioned the paperwork BS here, so let me try to do that as succinctly as possible.

I notified my job two months ago about this surgery and they told me to apply for paid medical leave. I was given a little bit of information that basically amounted to going to the government website to print out the form for the leave application.

I fill that out, but they won't accept emails, so I bring it to my local medical centre. They say it's the wrong paperwork and give me different paperwork to fill out. I hand that to them.

A week later, I get a response and the signature/doctor's note I needed. I go home and get that sent off to my job, and attached to my government claim.

Four days later, HR at my job emails me to tell me it's the wrong paperwork, and that I needed a DIFFERENT type of paperwork, which they attached. I looked that form up on the government website and found out the form that HR attached was outdated to boot.

So I print off the updated version from the government website, and when I can, bring it back to the local medical centre. They won't take it because "we no longer do those types of forms" because "it's unnecessary and the paperwork you filled out before should suffice".

They still won't let me email it. Eventually I'm told to just bring it in on my surgery date, and have the surgeon sign it there. I tried, but was told he couldn't do that, and that I would have to mail the form in for him to sign.

Today, that's what I was asking - either can you get this form to the surgeon or give me an address I can mail it to?

Anyway, the nurse fills out the info she needs to fill out, and tells us to hang on while she goes to see what she can do with it. She comes back, tells me the MAs have a copy of the form, and will figure out what to do with it, and that I can go to the front desk on my way out to see if they want to fax it, or make another copy, or whatever.

So we do that, only to have the person at the front desk tell me that they won't touch the form, until I fill out two OTHER forms. These ones being ones that I have already filled out.

I keep trying to explain that I already filled those forms out, and I don't know why they aren't in my files, but they're definitely already completed. And it's getting me nowhere, basically. I kept getting more and more irritable until I finally just took the papers, said thanks, and left.

I was pretty pissed off most of the drive home because I am just. So tired. this shit makes very little sense to begin with, and neither the state nor my job is making it any easier to deal with. I shouldn't have to be stressing about this type of stuff for so long not only before but also after a serious surgery.

My care worker called when I got home, the one who helps with a lot of my current medical stuff. I explained to him what was going on and he told me that hopefully the MAs will get it taken care of. But if they havent in a week, to let him know, and he'll personally try and get everything settled.

He also said that he's never once seen the state deny paid medical leave for someone who undergoes this surgery - so I'm hoping that it was just denied due to this missing form, and that once I attach it and reopen the claim, I'll get approved, but only time will tell, I suppose.

So yeah. I'm not having a great day mentally - all the stress just makes me more anxious, and when I'm anxious, it raises the chances of a depressive episode, and it sucks. I'm trying to just distract myself and not think much at all about anything.

Other than that, nothing much has been happening. Pain levels and itchiness have been mostly the same, maybe a little better. I can't wait to take a shower tonight now that I got the go ahead. I've mostly been sitting around sleeping, watching videos, or playing video games lately and that consists of most of my time, though I'm trying to start reading the many books I had stockpiled for this recovery period. I might be buying The Forest to play with other people soon, and a very kind new friend offered to buy me Sea of Thieves so that might be an upcoming game as well.

Besides all that, I guess just resting and trying not to lose my mind or get too in my thoughts is what I'll be up to for now.

(Oh, and the gaggle of nurses in the room earlier absolutely adored my new button up shirt - I bought a couple in preparation for surgery since you can't easily lift your hands above your head - which is black with a variety of cocktails on it, and the ingredients/recipe for those cocktails.

I found it by accident while looking for a shirt similar to Ash Williams' in the "Ash Vs The Evil Dead' television show and thought it was fun. So far it's been a hit - one nurse observed that she didn't think the picture for an old fashioned was correct, but I'm pretty sure she was accidentally looking at a different cocktail. Another asked if I was a mixologist, and I said no, but I wish I was, and she was like, ah, so an amateur mixologist or mixologist in training, something like that. One of them was talking about wanting to try a Tom Collins though and couldn't remember the third ingredient, which was club soda. So maybe I am an amateur mixologist. Or I just remember ingredients for alcoholic beverages really well, lol.)

[boop-le-snoot]

PARTY FAVOURS I CHAPTER 32

💖 first time reader click here 💖

Summary: Stephen Strange being a grown-up. Reader being a grown-up. Kind of. Revenge plot starts now - don't be like the mercenary, don't threaten reader's family. Avengers being good.. bros? Good found family idk. More smut + plot coming soon.

The silence hung awkwardly over us. Stephen wasn't the one to wax poetics, usually, and I wasn't in the mood to do anything but curl up somewhere warm, chug a bottle of liquor and fall asleep. Sleep is like death without the committment and after my little outburst, I inwardly prayed and begged for the ground to open up and swallow me whole. Instead, I was directed to sit and drink my tea by the sorcerer, who, by the way, was beginning to look like a kicked puppy.

It was starting to become unbearable. "I'm listening," I finally croaked out, shocked at how raspy my voice sounded. As if someone had forced me to choke on some nails - and I felt like it, too. My hands were shaking, all but spilling the hot tea onto them.

"Princess..." His mouth did the thing when he was worried, lips pursed, their corners upturned. "What we did was not... Right, you were drugged without your consent. I am sure Tony feels the same way."

My eyebrows rose, words bubbling up to the surface as I fought the urge to simply start calling Stephen some strong names. Had he been blind the whole time I flirted with him, had he not seen both me and Tony ogling him when we thought nobody could see? Every time I joked about the sexual tension between them - you know what they say, every joke has a little bit of truth in it.

Or maybe the sorcerer had used the incident as a convenient excuse for our little fuck-fest to be a one-time thing? I expected more, I won't lie, but I wouldn't put it above him. I knew all too well that some men tended to simply... Avoid.

I was angry, probably rightfully so, but it was not the time for me to comfort an adult man. My own life was going to shit, I had no mental energy to unburden his baseless guilt. It was selfish and it made me feel even more like shit, but it was as if someone had flipped a switch inside of me. I just didn't care about someone's heartbreak. I needed to solve another problem, a much bigger than a man that couldn't make up his mind.

I had to find that damn mercenary. It was the only real threat hanging over our heads; unlike any mission that I've seen the team go on before, they had thrown all the forces into catching the man that had gotten into their safe space, their home. That threatened to take what they thought as theirs. Long gone were the days of comfortable domesticity.

"Okay," I replied, nodding curtly. "I wanted it, if it helps any. I thought you were attractive the first day I saw you." I spoke bluntly, beginning to feel like myself more and more with each word that I spoke. "And again, no strings have to be attached. I'm sure Tony will understand it too, it's not his first rodeo."

Stephen's head shot up from where he was examining his clasped hands, to study me with furrowed brows. Cloaky moved where it was wrapped around me, attracting the sorcerer's attention - I, unfortunately, did not understand the Cloak's sign language and what it told Stephen remained a mystery to me. I was just delighted to be out of the cold and and wet clothes.

"I think you misunderstood me," Stephen eyed me with surprise. "I want more, but..." He trailed off, unsure. "I don't know. I'm surprised Banner hasn't gone green on me yet. I'm a doctor, I should have known..."

So, he was pulling a me and wallowing in pity. Is this really how pathetic I looked when I used to mope around the house earlier? No wonder my mother thinks I'm a baby. "Stephen, I'm really not in the mood to listen to bullshit. I wanted it, you wanted it, great, we can move on. Because with everything that has happened to me, I really have no energy to convince you I like you even while sober when you're sabotaging yourself." Sure, I might have ripped off the motivational speech from a self-help book my mother used to have laying around. My patience was wearing thinner with each second. "There, I said it. I like you, my boyfriends like you, you're welcome to the club if you decide to believe the fact that I am telling the truth." And if he wouldn't, well, I could get over it. I was planning to never act upon my feelings for both Tony and Bruce, it hadn't been as hard as I thought it would be. Especially with me being busy enough to just ignore the feelings.

At some point, I had grown attached to Stephen. Perhaps, if I and Tony hadn't decided to mess around with the sorcerer at the party, my feelings wouldn't have bloomed into anything more than physical attraction. Murphy's law had a particularly strong affinity on me, I noticed, because over and over I found myself falling head over heels for emotionally unavailable men. It worked out with Tony, which wasn't as surprising as one might expect, considering we're two halves of a whole idiot, but then Bruce also decided to pucker up - Stephen was bound to be the rock that I trip on.

Or not? Soft lips pressed against my forehead, beard hair softly tickling the tip of my nose. I was pressed against a solid chest, surrounded by warmth and comfort. "I'm sorry, I'm an idiot," Steph whispered, voice quivering.

"Well, it's not like this... Relationship... I've got going on is something commonplace," My arms wrapped around him, a deep sigh relaxing my body into his. "I'm sorry I yelled at you. It wasn't right."

Stephen chuckled, all but pulling me bodily into his lap. "Don't worry, Princess. I deserved it." As he spoke, the Cloak carefully unwrapped itself from me, drifting away with a parting pat on my back. "Now what happened with your parents?" Large palms pushed the hair out of my face, stormy blue eyes looking at me with worry.

"I should probably assemble all my significant others for this conversation," There was little enthusiasm in discussing the incident. I was an adult and had enough money to get by for a few months, at least until I could patent one of my inventions. I had plenty of knick-knacks that should be able to interest buyers, that much I knew, and while the legal side of the process was a blank slate to me, I knew I could be charismatic enough to have someone work it out for me.

"I don't think I'll be able to take Steve seriously when he says 'assemble', now," My third boyfriend chuckled, which - wow, I didn't have boyfriends and now I had three? Should I be considering opening a factory or something? Stephen adjusted his hold on me. "Let's go, I'll portal us in."

"My car's out there with all my stuff. I'll have to drive," I protested but made no move to get out of his lap.

"Tony is a billionaire, he can pay someone to retrieve it," Shrugging carelessly, he produced a golden circle of magic, the common room couch in plain sight at the other side of it. I heard voices and then Clint's head peaked through, a curiously tilted eyebrow morphing into full fledged face of confusion upon seeing the two of us.

Yikes. I had forgotten about the state of my dress and the bruise on my cheek. "Hey, bird. I need a drink," I said the first thing that popped into my mind, causing both Clint and Steph to laugh as the sorcerer carried me into the tower through the portal.

"I'm starting to think you go out there and look for trouble on purpose," The archer sighed, pulling out his phone and texting rapidly. Mine vibrated, too, once he was done, which meant he'd called for a family meeting. Blergh.

In no time, Tony appeared, dark circles under his eyes and yesterday's shirt on, towing a worried Bruce behind him. One after the other, the Avengers tickled in, looking restless and exhausted. Loki's frown was well on its way to becoming a full sneer.

"Talk, please," He requested, eyeing me with concern.

"Good news is I got our rogue wizard back," I poked Stephen in the chest. He was blushing. "Bad news is my mother threw me out and my father didn't pick up the phone, so technically I'm homeless and parent-less," I decided that spitting out straight facts was the easiest way to go about it. I mean, there was no good way to tell what I just told them.

The storm that I anticipated didn't appear. Just a lot of disappointed sighs all around, especially from Tony, who looked twenty years older after I'd confessed to the current state of my affairs. "You're not homeless, you live here," He pointed out, rubbing his face and muttering some very strong words under his nose. Particularly, the expressions involved my mother and various methods of fornication.

"We got your back, doll," Bucky nodded, coming over to wrap me in a gentle hug. He was like a brother from another mother to me at this point, kind and goofy and sensible. "I would propose to teaching that harpy a lesson but I think she's beyond it."

"Perhaps it's for the best," Loki mused suddenly. "If I recall correctly, your mother was against your career of choice, which is idiotic. Science is a noble and prospective path." The Asgardian, too, gave me a hug.

I wasn't crying! There were ninjas, in the vents, cutting onions! "Stop it guys, I'm gonna cry. I already look like shit!" The protest was silenced by Bruce's lips on mine, his tiny smile briefly covering my mouth with tenderness. After that, everybody somehow decided it was their job to try and make me cry; like a bad bitch, I resisted, but eventually broke and started sniffling when Tony began rambling about building me my own lab and Wanda offered to help me decorate my new apartment.

No matter how much my mind screamed at me to refuse, I forced that noise down. Fighting against myself, accepting help despite feeling unworthy of it - it was probably the hardest thing I've done in my whole life.

Bruce volunteered to carry my prone body to Tony's bedroom which was quickly becoming the master bedroom for the three of us - ever since the incident, both of my scientists stuck close to me whenever possible, aggressively cuddling me whenever they decided it was time to get some sleep. Which wasn't much these days, if I was being honest. Persuading Bruce to stay with me was a novelty - usually he didn't resist, but that time, I had to repeat myself multiple times that the team could handle business even without him being present.

I had my ulterior motives, of course. Tony and Stephen needed to talk. I only hoped their egos wouldn't clash without me to mediate - having two boyfriends start a fight wasn't something I wanted to experience. I had zero experience in those matters and had no idea how to manage all that. Are there handbooks for polyamorous relationships? I stuck a mental post-it note inside my brain to check it out.

I fell asleep with Bruce wrapped around me and woke up in the same position, having been too exhausted to move even in my sleep. Voices, rough and quiet, were the first thing I heard upon syncing my brain into a resemblance of a working order, instantly recognizing Stephen's deep baritone and Tony's teasing drawl.

"Expect either Reindeer Games or Kim Possible to come and terrify you," My engineer didn't sound particularly ecstatic. His voice came from somewhere around my feet; the hand wrapped around my ankle, thumb gently stroking the skin, must've been his.

"Duly noted," Stephen's reply was equally sarcastic, sounding a little closer. The warmth coming from my side was him. I could smell the faint spices that surrounded him, smell that I'd come to associate with the Sanctum.

Bruce snored away, not a care in the world.

My body, on the other hand, felt rested for what felt the first time in years. A pleasant ache in my muscles had me begrudgingly squirm out of Banner'd grasp, shamelessly pushing up into Stephen as I stretched with a juicy yawn. "What's poppin'?" I rubbed my eyes, finding the men awake looking at me with fond amusement.

"Just watching," Tony smiled, causing me to giggle at his accidental meme-ing. Was it even accidental? I refused to believe that a man well versed in IT was oblivious to meme culture.

Stephen, on the other hand... "We've discussed some things, wanted to talk to you too." His hand stroked my hair, face expression soft unlike anything I'd ever seen him have. "But you were sleeping. So cute."

Me, cute? There was a puddle of drool the size of a dollar bill on my pillow, I was pretty sure some of it had even gotten in Bruce's hair. Banner's sleep was quiet except for every five minutes when he'd let out a snore with a force somewhere between a Mack truck and a whale in mating season.

Cute, sure.

Bruce groaned, a tell-tale sign of him waking up. I met his eyes, brown, shiny, a narrow edge of green around his irises. Huh. Do I have three boyfriends or four?

THE TAG LIST IS NOW OPEN! @another-stark-sub ​ @mostly-marvel-musings  @vozit ​ @littlegasps ​ @pilloclock ​ @shereadsinquiet @downeyreads ​ @hermione-grangers-wife ​ @individualistfem ​@sleep-i-ness @capbrie @lillsxd @agustdowney @dee-vn @justanotherblonde23 @fanngirl19 @persephonehemingway @softie-socks @schemefrenzy @letsby @romeo-the-cactus @jelly-fishy-babie @mikariell95 @gladiosamicitias

[aquarianlights]

I am in a serious financial bind. 😥 If anyone is in a position to listen & help or signal boost, pls keep reading...

This is from my apartment complex. I am in low-income housing. I called them & sent them proof I could pay on the 23rd. I told them I could (just barely) put 100 down now & they said that was too little.

They said they would file for eviction on the 16th, which adds $150 to my rent. They will cancel the court date and eviction on the 23rd when I pay.

But that doesn't cancel the $150 filing fee.

Idk where that $150 would come from. Idky they think it's fair that someone who cannot pay should be forced to pay even more??? That makes no sense. I can only just barely afford my rent every month as is.

These are from my energy company. I apparently owe them over $600. I genuinely do not know how this happened. We were on the phone for a very long time trying to figure it out & I was in tears for the latter portion of it because I swear I paid.

I usually keep record of my payments via taking a picture of my receipt since they are electronic, but my dog chewed up my phone (which I have pics of if need be for evidence) and broke it, so I had to get a replacement phone sent to me from the insurance company & nothing transferred from the old phone, so all my pics were wiped.

I found no record in my emails, either.

The meds I am taking to try to go into remission and the autoimmune disease itself both cause brain fog and issues with time warping, so it is possible maybe I skipped a month or something, but I highly doubt I would have skipped up to 600+ dollars worth of payments.

I have tons of electronic and hard copy calendars & they are all synced and constantly updated so that I know when payments are due. I also have text and email reminders sent to me, but I could find no reminders in my email for MONTHS now until they were telling me they were going to shut my power off if I didn't pay this. Idk why I was not sent reminders for months???

In the end, I agreed to set up a payment plan. Paying, like... 50-60ish on top of whatever my electric bill is every month for 12 months. It was the lowest they could go.

I can barely afford my electric bill as it is, so idk how I will be able to do this? They did give me a list of charities in my area so I will be using what little energy I have to call around & see if any of them would be willing to help me pay this. Idk how those work (they're mostly churches???), so I'm just gonna try & see what happens. 🤔

On top of all that, I *think* this is telling me my Medicaid has been cancelled but I'm not 100% sure?????

I'm going through treatment for a very serious, disabling problem that should last ~1 year and rn Medicaid is picking up what my Medicare doesn't cover and some of my doctors/specialists and treatments are medicaid only.

If I lose this, I'm basically done.

I know they'll do backpay if I get it back, but Idk if I *will* get it back. I'll be trying to get it back, but in the meantime, I guess I'll just have to pay out of pocket, idk??? Which I do not have.

I have lost almost ALL autonomy due to this autoimmune disease, which (in a very simplified form) is basically my immune cells "eating" my muscle tissue. I can barely get out of bed. Treatment should put me in remission & give me my life back. I am seeing a rheumatologist, neurologist, dermatologist, PCP, physical therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, and going to a holistic pain treatment center that does a different kind of physical therapy to bring down pain levels (which I was put into that program by my rheum). All of these are in relation to & necessary for my disease. I am going through TONS of testing almost weekly now & trying out treatments like IVIG and chemo where I am in the hospital hooked up to an IV for 4-6+ hrs of that day and the cost of those things without Medicaid picking up what Medicare doesn't cover is astronomical. I have to sign waivers every time I get my blood drawn (which is almost weekly now), do tests, and do treatments saying I will pay if Medicaid does not pick up the extra.

I already have crippling medical debt; I don't need more. I'm scared they won't let me do any more tests or treatments if they see I am just letting it all go to collections & am not paying.

This could mean the difference between having a life worth living (to me) where I am happy & thriving & autonomous or being bed-bound & living a life of just existing from day to day & miserable & in pain & suffering & unable to do anything for myself. This is literally life and death for me because I wouldn't be able to handle continuing to live in the latter scenario. I cannot handle living like I am now. Knowing my treatments are progressing is what keeps me going. Knowing I can go into remission is what keeps me going. Knowing my future is one completely different from now is what keeps me going. But if I cannot have that and am destined to live in this current state, it's just not worth it. I don't know a person alive who would want to live like this.

Finally, my anger noodle needs to get to the vet for MULTIPLE things. Nothing is, like... life threatening or super immediate like his cancer was last year, but they're things that need to be addressed in terms of preventative care & to make sure he isn't in pain.

He needs his trachea checked, possibly x-rays for that, maybe more...

He needs some medication updates, needs a physical, needs a full groom & nail clip under anesthesia (for those who are not familiar with Echo, he has extreme fear-based aggression & usually gets this done under anesthesia; since I worked with him so much, he had his first non-anesthesia nail clip at the beginning of quarantine, but he has gotten worse during quarantine & with my muscle eating disease, I can no longer restrain him & don't have the physical strength to run a brush through his thicker fur as his winter coat is in, so I can no longer groom certain areas of him at home, so his tummy & back legs are matted & I fear he may need to be shaved... which breaks my heart since you don't shave double coat dogs unless medically necessary.), he needs a full physical, & needs to be checked over for MCT's.

He may also need a fecal test or something else, as he has been having odd bowel movements. 😥 His tummy has been upset lately.

I have been crying myself to sleep every single night & often during the day because I cannot get him to the vet. No, it isn't urgent or life threatening. But he is reverse sneezing more than normal & I worry about tracheal collapse, which is a common small dog thing & even MORE common in pomeranians specifically. Every time he has a fit, I think "Oh god, this is it. This is the time I'm gonna have to rush him to the e-vet & get slammed with a huge bill & he is not gonna be okay..."

It breaks my heart to see his legs & belly matted. He is horrible about letting me groom him coz of his aggression so he only gets a full grooms at the vet, but I do short grooming sessions at home with him nightly. Takes about 2 hours just to do the majority of one side of him (not even all of it; just most) coz he needs breaks & lots of praise every few strokes or he will tear me to shreds & hurt himself snapping on the undercoat rake. 😥

But now that my autoimmune disease has atrophied my muscles to the point holding up my phone without something to prop it up feels like I am lifting weights & tires my arms out with a lactic acid burn & pain, I can no longer groom him with the patience he needs & can only groom in 20 minute intervals at the VERY longest. By the time I have gotten one leg done during the week, his entire other side is matted. 😞 Matting on dogs---especially double coat dogs---hurts them. It's like if someone were to wrap your hair around their fingers & then pull it taut. It's a constant pulling pressure on their skin... it's painful & irritates the epidermis. I feel miserable feeling the matting on his back legs & tummy & now feeling the mats beginning to form on the rest of him. He hates me working them out, even with the detangling spray. I know it must hurt so much...

So he may need to be shaved at this point & that will destroy me. I feel sick thinking about it. But anything to get him out of pain. Maybe it is what's best for him while I go through this year of treatment & get my muscles back. But in order to do that, I need to get him to the vet.

The stress of not being able to get him to a vet is tearing me apart & literally making me physically ill.

He is my world. My everything. My #1. My heart dog. My priority in life. My entire universe revolves around him. I would do anything for him. Not a single person, animal, thing, etc, comes before him. It is KILLING me that I cannot provide proper care for him right now. I always always always make sure to sacrifice for him if need be & his things ALWAYS come first, even if it means I'm not eating or not paying bills or whatever. As long as he is taken care of & his needs & wants are met, nothing else matters to me. And right now........ I feel he is suffering because of my finances & the fact my treatment with building my muscles up is not going fast enough.

I cannot control the latter one, but the first one is something I can at least ask for help for. So that is what I am doing.

If anyone is in a place to help, these are my venmo & cashapp codes. I also have paypal.

💙 Venmo: @kqroswell

💚 Cashapp: $kqroswell

💜 Paypal: @kqroswell or thekilliancode@yahoo.com

If there is another form of payment you're thinking of, lemme know. I also have fb pay activated if you have me on FB (Killian Q Roswell).

Thank you to everyone who read through this & anyone who can help or reblog this. 💖

Sincerely,

Your v scared, struggling transman who really wants his bills/rent paid & his dog to go to the vet,

Killian 💞

[sillyrabbit81]

Her Heavy Cross

Summary: Three years after tragedy hits, Lana she decides to start dating again. She meets Will through a dating app and they begin an online romance. After months of constant requests, Lana relents and agrees to meet and go on an irl date with Will. But is Will who he says he is? Lana is quickly pulled into an intense relationship forcing her to confront her tragic past. Will Lana face it or will she close her heart forever?

Pairing: OMC x OFC

Word Count: approx 3k

Warnings: swearing, mild smuttiness

Authors Note: The story started as a Henry Cavill fanfiction but I changed it to be an original character, but shades of Henry are still there. Hope you enjoy the story and thanks for reading.

Part 9 Part 11

Part 10

We eventually got up. We showered and dressed. I fed Perrin, and we ate breakfast. I asked Liam what his plans were for the day.

"Not much. I thought I would stay with you until you kick me out." He winked. "What are your plans?"

"Well, I have to kick this guy out..." I said with mock agitation. Liam feigned a look of hurt. "Not much until tonight. I'm going to Dave's house for dinner. I'll see my nephews and niece, which will be good. My Mum too, I suppose."

"Dave's your brother, right?" I nodded. "You haven't told me much about your mother. I think this is the first time you've mentioned her."

"We don't always get along. Mum's mellowed as she's gotten older, but she was a bit of a tyrant when I was growing up. She didn't like Andy. Well, she didn't like any of my boyfriends. She always judged them based on their jobs like she wanted me to end up with a doctor or lawyer or something like that. It's like she thought she'd wasted her money sending me to a private school because I found myself attracted to tradies."

"What's a tradie?

"A tradesman."

"Gotcha."

I laughed at a memory. "I used to tell my friends that if a guys hands weren't calloused enough to cause a run in my stockings, then he has no business touching my legs."

Liam burst out laughing. "Are you serious?"

"What can I say? I like a man who is good with his hands." I shrugged before continuing, "anyway, that's one reason why my mum and I didn't get along."

"What about your Dad?"

"He passed away three years ago."

"I'm sorry."

I didn't say anything for a while. I played with the crusts of my toast, breaking it into little crumbs. I think Liam sensed my mood and changed the subject. "You went to a private school?"

"Yeah," I said. "An all-girls, Catholic one at that."

"Well, that explains a lot." Liam quipped, his tone very serious, but his twitchy lip gave him away.

I narrowed my eyes and frowned. "I hate you."

Liam ignored me and cupped my face with his hands. "Kiss me." He ordered. And I did.

We spent most of the morning sitting together and talking. We spoke about the books we were reading. We found that we had similar taste in books when we talked before we met. Liam had recommended a book to me, and I had finished it a few days ago. I showed him my bookshelves, and we compared which ones we had read. He asked to borrow a couple.

Later we just sat on the lounge. We talked, held hands, cuddled, kissed, had coffee, and then some tea. We took turns patting Perrin, who had taken to Liam really well.

It got close to lunchtime, and it seemed like we were both trying to work out a way to avoid the inevitable parting. Neither of us had brought it up since breakfast. Eventually, Liam asked, "when can I see you again?"

Liam was sitting up, and I was laying on my back with my head in his lap. Liam was stroking my hair, sometimes taking a curl and twisting it around his finger. I smiled when I saw him do that since I had done the same to him earlier.

"As soon as possible," I replied. "I'm going to miss your pretty face." I reached up and patted his cheek patronisingly.

He gave me a small smile but didn't say anything. Then his god damned lip twitched.

"What are you thinking?" I asked. "I can tell when your lip twitches that you're thinking something naughty or you know something I don't know."

"My mother tells me the same thing." His lips stretched into a full grin, revealing his Hollywood white teeth.

"Well, I'm not your bloody mother, so tell me."

"I was just thinking about all the parts of you that I'm going to miss."

"You're very cheeky."

"Unfortunately for you, my mother tells me that too."

"You're a fuck knuckle," I said, smirking. "I'll bet your mother doesn't tell you that."

Liam's eyes went wide. "Bloody hell, Sweetheart. Anyone would think you didn't like me." He was smiling though.

"It's because I like you that I insult you. I'm very polite to people I don't like." I said, putting a sickly sweet smile on my face and batted my eyelashes at him.

"You're lucky you're cute." Liam leaned down and kissed me. "You haven't answered my question. When can I see you again?"

"Well, we both work all week. I guess that means we will have to wait until Friday night."

"Do you want to come to my place on Friday after work? Spend the weekend with me?"

"Ok. I'll ask Dave when I see him tonight if he will have Perrin for me. But it shouldn't be an issue."

Liam's face was unreadable for a moment. Then he smiled and kissed my forehead. "I'm already looking forward to it." He sat back and said, "well, I suppose I had better call an Uber."

I sat up and waited for Liam to book his ride. When he had finished, I said, "Call me tomorrow night. After work?"

Liam nodded. He scooped me up and sat me on his lap. "Don't worry, Sweetheart. You won't get rid of me easily." He smiled and caressed my cheek with the back of his fingers. "Now, kiss me."

I threw my hands around his neck and kissed him hard.

Liam kissed me back, his arms wrapped around my waist, and he crushed my body into his. Our kisses became ardent, and I squirmed on his lap. I didn't want to let him go. Not ever.

I wanted him again now, and I cursed myself for letting him call for an Uber. I felt like he was part of my life like I had already given let him into my heart when I let him in this house. This sacred place. Mine and Andy's place. It seemed as though he had just blended into my life and any thoughts of the future now included him.

But I also knew enough to hold back, to remember I didn't really know him. The weekend wasn't real life. It was an illusion. It wasn't the daily grind of work, come home, sleep, do it all again. To make it worse, Liam's life wasn't normal. Would I adjust? Could I adjust? Did I even want to try?

I knew I did want to try, at least. Liam seemed worth it. Worth the risk of another broken heart, another love snatched from my grasp. If I didn't try with Liam, then who would I try with? And if I never tried, then love would be gone from my life forever.

Liam pulled away. "I had better go now, or I think I'll never leave." We got up just as his phone alerted him the driver was less than a minute away. He grabbed his bag, and I walked him to the door, and he followed behind me up the hallway.

We got to the door, and before I could open it, he turned me around and pinned me to it with his whole body. His forehead pushed against mine. He kissed me, forcing his tongue into my mouth. He ground his body against me. "Lana," he breathed. "Lana, I..." He stopped talking, kissed me again softly then pulled away.

I didn't know what to say. I didn't want Liam to stop. "I'll call you tonight," I said despite our plans to call tomorrow night. I knew I wouldn't be able to wait until then. I opened the door for him.

As he walked out the door, Liam put his hand on the back of my head. He brought me to his face, and he kissed the top of my head. "As you wish." He winked and pulled the door closed behind him.

The rest of my day felt lonely. I moped around for a bit. I threw Perrin the ball for a while. He was too old these days for more than a few runs, but he still loved it. I did some washing, cleaned my bathroom and put my Ben and Jerry's tub in the bin. I painted my nails.

When the afternoon wound down, I called Riza.

"Hey, Slut!" She said when she picked up.

"Piss off," I said back.

"Well, don't keep me in suspense. What the fuck happened?"

"I don't even know where to begin."

"Well, did you fuck him?" I shook my head. If Liam thought I was direct, he should talk to Riza. I didn't say anything. She knew me well enough to know what the answer was by my silence. "'Bout fucking time." She said, and I laughed. "So tell me about him. What's his name? What does he do for work? Where does he live? Boxers or briefs?"

"Uh, his name is Liam. Liam Cross."

"Like the actor? Man, that's weird. I knew a girl once whose name was Indiana Jones. I couldn't do it cause I kept thinking about Harrison Ford."

"No, Riz. Not like the actor, he is the actor."

Stunned silence. Then, "you're shitting me."

"Serious as a heart attack."

"Why didn't you tell me before?"

"I didn't know who he was," I told Riza about the Will/Liam thing.

"You're really not joking. Send me a pic."

"I didn't take any."

I swear I could hear Riza roll her eyes. "Of course, you didn't. You never do!" Then she shouted, "Hey Jen! Lana..."

"Riza! No, no, no!" I shouted.

"Fucked Liam Cross," she finished.

I hung my head. Fuck. I could trust Riza, but Jen, I wasn't sure of. She spent all day on Instagram and Snapchat. I didn't know if she could keep quiet.

"You there, Lansey?" I heard Jen talking in the background. "Hang on a sec, what's that, babe?" More Jen talking. "Oh shit, you looked good on Friday night Lans, no wonder you got fucked."

"How do you know what I wore Friday night?"

"Jen found pics."

"That quickly?"

"Yeah, they're everywhere. Some of you guys at a shop too. Hey, that's the shop near Mike the Butcher, right?"

This was news to me. I knew they took pictures, but I didn't think they were posted. I should have though. Why wouldn't they be? "Fuck."

"Did you just meet him? On Friday?"

"Yeah, why?"

"There's this one picture of you two, and he's touching your cheek. You two look like you're in love," she teased, making love sound like llllooooouuuuv. "Ha! There's Perrin!"

"Is my name mentioned? Do they know who I am?"

"Doesn't look like it. You two look perfect together."

"Tell Jen not to say anything. Please?"

"Yeah, yeah, no worries."

She kept talking, but I'd had enough. "I've gotta get going," I said.

"Lans, you ok?" She knows me too bloody well.

"Yeah," I bit my lip and took some deep breaths. "It's a lot to take in, you know. He's bloody famous, it's like, I don't want that shit in my life."

"Is he worth it?"

"I think so. I mean, he's a sweet, kinda daggy guy who happens to be built like Hercules and sexy as fuck. What's not to like?"

"I always thought he was gay."

Before I could stop myself, I said, "He's definitely not gay. I'd never believe a gay guy could growl a girl out like he does." I've got to learn to keep my mouth shut.

Riza yelled, "yas girl! You got a keeper!"

I laughed. "Fucking hell. Alright, Riz, I've really got to go. Say hi to Jen. Don't say anything!" Riz agreed, and we hung up.

Dinner at Dave and Lucy's was mostly uneventful. I jumped with the kids on the trampoline and played some wrestling on the PlayStation. My mum wasn't too much of a bitch. I forgot about the pictures and didn't think about Liam for a while. I needed that. I felt like the weekend was such a whirlwind and so much happened I needed some time to get back to normality, something familiar.

After dinner, Mum went home, and the kids wanted to watch a movie. I got on the lounge with the two older ones, Charlie and Harry and went through Netflix. Lucy had taken Lilly to bed. I saw Liam's face in one of the movies thumbnails, and I groaned. It was the one where he was a superhero. It was nearly ten years old. Though it didn't seem possible, he was even more handsome now. I quickly flicked past it.

"No, Aunty Lanny, I want to watch that one," Harry said.

"Isn't it too scary?"

Dave called out from the kitchen, "it's their new favourite. They've been watching it all week."

"Then we can watch something else," I said.

Both boys protested. I half relented. "Have you seen the sequel?" It had much less screen time for Liam since he had teamed up with a couple of other superheroes in that one.

"There's a sequel?" Charlie was excited.

So we watched the sequel. I'd seen it before, but it was weird watching it now. I actually enjoyed it more than I thought I would. Although it was obvious that Liam was the actor, it was surprisingly easy to forget him and believe he was really the character.

He looked different to the Liam I knew. His hair was lighter, he was clean-shaven, and even the way he held his face was different. The way he moved and mannerisms weren't Liam's either. His voice was different too. The most apparent change there was the accent. Those harsh American tones seemed so strange after hearing his soft Queens English ones. Although, scenes with his shirt off still made me think of Liam.

After the movie I said goodbye to the kids, and they went to bed. I asked Dave if he would watch Perrin next weekend. I tried to sound casual about it, but Dave knew me better than that.

"Girls weekend?" He asked. I tried to say yeah, but I blushed, and he knew it wasn't a girls weekend.

Dave was eight years older than me, the same as Liam. I adored Dave. I remember following him around as a kid, wanting to do everything he did. As we got older, I watched the same movies he did, read the same books he did and listened to the same music, which is probably why I prefer 90s music to 2000s music.

He was sweet about it for the most part. He even got me alcohol a few times when I was 17 and took me to the pub with his mates when I was 18. He was protective though. Not one of his mates was allowed to touch me. It had made me mad at the time, especially when I had the hots for his best mate Chris since I was 12. So when he worked out that I was probably going to be spending the weekend with a guy, I expected him to freak out. He didn't.

"Is he a good bloke?" Dave asked. "Treating you well?"

"Yeah, he is." I couldn't help but smile.

Dave grunted, "I can tell by the look on your face, you are smitten. Alright then, Perrin can stay."

"Thanks, Dave. Don't tell mum."

"Yeah, Nah. I'm not stupid."

I went home and got ready for bed straight away. I was mentally exhausted, but I still called Liam. Not only because I said I would. I did miss him in my bed already. I felt lonely again. Of all the things about being married I missed, sleeping with somebody else in the bed was high on the list.

When I went to call, I was confused for a minute because I couldn't find his number. Then I remembered he was in my contacts as Will. I changed the name and called him. I hoped I wasn't calling too late.

"Hello, Sweetheart." Liam's voice sent a ripple of excitement through me.

"Hey," I said. "How was the rest of your day?"

"Good. Do you want to FaceTime?"

"I'm in bed."

"Me too." He said, and I heard the ring of FaceTime come through the phone.

I answered. Liam's face appeared. So did his naked shoulders. Sweet Jesus, he couldn't fit in the frame.

"Much better," he said, smiling. "How was your day?"

"Ok, I just hung around at home then saw the fam. Dave said he would have Perrin next weekend," I got flustered thinking about it. I cleared my throat. "So yeah, that's sorted."

"Excellent. I'm really looking forward to it. How was the family? Was your mum ok?"

"Yeah, she was good. The kids are fans of yours, by the way."

He gave a short laugh at this. "Really? Did you tell your family about me?"

I said I didn't and told him about the kids and the movie. "They loved it. I liked it too." I told him about how it was strange to watch him act after actually knowing him, and for a lot of the time, I had forgotten it was him. I just believed the character and enjoyed the story.

"Thank you." Liam seemed genuinely pleased. "That is the aim of what I do."

"I did tell Riza about you. Her wife, Jen, found pictures of us almost immediately."

"Did you see the ones from yesterday?"

"She told me about them, but I've not seen them."

"You ok?"

I shrugged, "it is what it is. I asked them not to say anything about us."

Liam changed the subject and showed me he had started one of the books he had borrowed. Once again, I was grateful that he seemed to know my mood and not push me.

We talked for about ten minutes before I started yawning.

"I better let you go. You're tired, Sweetheart."

"Yeah," I said as a yawn overtook me. "I think you're right." I blinked several times, my eyes watering from the yawns. "Call me tomorrow night?"

"I definitely will. Goodnight, Sweetheart."

"Night, Liam." I fell straight asleep.

Part 11