#but I won't be able to at this point because the only surgeon in the state that takes my insurance (that I know) has a months long wait lis

[thenerdcommander]

Despite everything, nothing in the last 2 weeks has caused me more anxiety than missing a phone call from my doctor (who's bad at keeping up with communication, takes DAYS to respond to messages or requests for calls back) because I dared to take a nap, and knowing that every second we're not in active communication is wasted time that needed instead to be carefully utilized or else I will never be able to get top surgery

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

Obvs it wouldn't happen because imprints don't work that way, but what if Jacob imprinted on CARLISLE?

You're hilarious, anon, that's what you are.

Alright, let's do this.

Jacob Imprints on Carlisle Cullen: A Timeline

The thing is, Jacob doesn't notice for a fairly long time. Remember that Jacob hardly ever meets any of the Cullens until fairly late in the series. In Twilight and New Moon, before shifting, he was extremely embarrassed by his father's superstitious attitude that's so bad it's to the point where he's told the entire tribe that none of them are to go to Forks hospital (which as the closest hospital in a rural area, and one with a now very qualified surgeon that they won't otherwise be able to get to for several hours, this is... a very extreme choice that speaks to just how seriously the Quileute view the Cullen problem).

Jacob meets Edward once in Twilight, at a distance, when he tells Bella at Prom "So... my dad told me to break up with your vampire boyfriend and that the spooky tribe will be watching you :/ ah ha ha ha ha ha".

And then the Cullens are gone until the end of New Moon, at which point Jacob only runs into Carlisle Cullen in Eclipse when the shapeshifters and the Cullens have agreed to join forces to stop the newborn army and to have their solitary training session where they take this seriously.

The Cullens Jacob gets to have lovely interactions with beforehand are Alice at the end of New Moon (in which Alice has some choice words) and Edward who is... Edward.

But not the others.

(The movies where the Cullens and wolves run into each other hunting Victoria, and get into a catfight, is just the movies and was an entirely ridiculous scene.)

What this means is that we've gone through all of Twilight, New Moon, and most of Eclipse. Jacob is pining after Bella, in this torrid love triangle with Edward the blood sucking demon as his rival, has kissed Bella, and has spent an entire novel trying to convince Bella that she's in love with him and "also, don't become a vampire" without much luck on either front.

And now, the worst thing in the world happens.

The Moment

Very reluctantly, the Cullens and shapeshifters have both agreed that the threat is now so large that neither of them can contain it as an individual group. The Cullens have been rebuffed by the Denali who only agreed to help if they got the chance to commit genocide/have their revenge for the death of Laurent.

The shapeshifters, on the other side, hear that a horde of vampires the size of which they have never encountered before (when they're having issues dealing with just one, only one, vampire) is going to descend upon the town of Forks and, with extreme sadness, agree to a) help out the Cullens b) agree that they need the Cullens help on this one.

So, they get this training session (in which Bella shows up because... unclear why she's there, she really shouldn't have been there/really made the impression that they were flaunting the Bride of Dracula in the shapeshifter's faces) and the Cullens all watch as the wolves show up, more than they had ever suspected, Bella oohs over what a big red wolf Jacob is and--

I imagine they freeze, because they were wolves at the time, so they were all in the wolfy hive mind. This means every single one of them knows the second Jacob imprints and get to process it along with him.

Suddenly, Carlisle Cullen is Jacob's gravity, his reason for existence, his everything.

And he's a vampire.

Who is 300 years old. And physically twenty-three years old.

And he's married.

And Edward is right there hearing every thought the hive mind is having.

I imagine Emmett warily asks Edward what's going on. Is everything okay, or are they all about to kill each other and the treaty's off? Edward can't answer because. No. No.

"Seriously, Edward," I imagine Rosalie says, "What's happening?"

(Alice sure wishes she could see what was going on right now, at all, she sure wishes she could help here. Man, it would be great if she could use her gift and wasn't BLOCKED BY FUCKING WOLVES. WOULDN'T THAT BE GREAT?! WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF SHE HAD VISIONS THAT COULD TELL HER WHAT'S GOING ON RIGHT NOW?!)

The wolves don't want to answer either as none of them want to admit this is happening (except for Jacob who's still too brain scrambled to react yet).

Jacob, I imagine breaks first. He shifts (and he is... sadly... naked... for this...) and runs over to Carlisle Cullen, the center of his new existence, and happily explains that his universe has just turned on its head and whatever Carlisle Cullen needs from him, JACOB IS THERE, MAN.

Carlisle... doesn't... need... anything...

He's also very confused and alarmed. And can Jacob please put on his clothes?

Edward, reluctantly, explains to his father that Jacob has just er imprinted on him. It's a thing. No, it doesn't necessarily mean romantic love (probably) but Jacob is now Carlisle's.... person. But Jacob's clearly wrong because Carlisle is married and he doesn't need a new son or a friend or anything.

HE HAS HIS FAMILY.

Bella, meanwhile, is shocked, shocked and--confused--and--hurt. Was Jacob gay/bisexual this whole time? But no, Edward just said it didn't have to be romantic. But Bella's also had it explained to her that the imprinter is supposed to be the most important person in the imprintee's life. Sam left Leah so that he could marry Emily when he imprinted on her, and even if it is platonic--isn't Bella supposed to be Jacob's best friend? Wasn't he just telling her how in love with her he was? Hasn't he been the sun in her life?

But because of this single second of imprinting, from a corner Bella never expected... that's done now. Jacob won't be in love with her anymore, all that talk of Bella being in love with him won't matter at all, they'll be less close friends at most and...

And maybe that's a good thing? She's with Edward, she's marrying Edward in a few weeks, she wants to be with Edward. If Jacob gives up, or imprints, then they can stay the way they are without Jacob wanting her to give up on Edward.

It's just that Jacob's most important person will be Edward's vampire dad...

I imagine Sam shifts at this point as... the situation has changed a bit. And tries to get Jacob to calm down and, "We need to discuss this, Jacob" but Jacob isn't having it as the most important person in his life is standing there, staring at him, and clearly wants nothing to do with him.

And Jacob realizes--there's not any room for him. The man has a wife, he has children, WHAT IS JACOB SUPPOSED TO DO?! YOU NEED A BEST FRIEND, DOC?!

Everyone would really love to call off this training session by this point but... that vampire army is coming and they're running out of time.

They have to do this.

They do a speed run and then rush back to their prospective homes where they grill Edward (who has the wonders of spying telepathy) about what the fuck imprinting means and what's happening.

The shapeshifters go home to be extremely upset and try to reason with Jacob who... given how he acted in canon with Renesmee, probably runs to the Cullen's house screaming "CARLISSSSSSSSSSSSSSLE" out of terror that they'll leave in the middle of the night because of this.

Jacob immediately plots how he can stop the Cullens/Carlisle from leaving Forks. In this case, showing Charlie his wolf form would do nothing, as Bella's not the one turned and in theory they could just leave her behind and run if Jacob outed them. Similarly, getting Bella to end up with him and not turn would mean the Cullens would just vamoose.

Jacob concludes, in a moment of horror, the only way to guarantee the Cullens stay is if Bella and Edward get together and then Bella has to stay. Bella's what's connecting them to Forks, what's keeping them from disappearing, even what drew them back in the first place.

And he's right to be concerned as the Cullens are discussing just this. They have to stay through this newborn fight, but then... if it weren't for Bella they'd be leaving as quickly as possible and even then... maybe Carlisle and Esme should just go on ahead? Edward and Bella, do you have to get married right here in Forks/invite everyone from Forks?

Unfortunately, due to that wedding and the pesky detail of inviting Bella's friends and relatives, they really are stuck for at least a few weeks, until Bella and Edward can go off to college.

Jacob's Plan

Jacob then has a few short weeks to convince Carlisle Cullen that he's the greatest thing since sliced bread, he totally needs Jacob in his life, and pffff wife shmife.

So, Jacob does things like just... show up at the Cullen house. He just shows up. And at the hospital, and everywhere, trying to prove how cool he is to Carlisle who is just sad about all of this. He's so sad.

There has been much querying in both parties of "are we sure there isn't a way to get rid of this?" and both the Cullens and shapeshifters had concluded "no, not really, we don't even understand what the fuck this is".

And while Carlisle really wants to just up and leave... it sounds like he'd cause Jaocb mental anguish unheard of for the rst of his existence if he doesn't throw him some bone.

"We can go... fishing..."

(Bella was right in that Jacob has dropped her like it's hot. She hasn't seen him since the training.)

At the battle, instead of guarding Bella's tent in the night, Jacob insists on being where the rest of the Cullens are. Yeah yeah, Edward, have fun with wifey.

(This is not fun as Bella nearly freezes to death in the tent, and as there's no Jacob to keep her warm, Edward just has to sit there, panicking, as he sadly wishes he could warm Bella up himself buT hE's a MonStEr)

There is no "kiss me or I'll kill myself", Bella doesn't even see Jacob when the fighting happens or afterwards. I imagine Jacob's still hurt, (and gets quality time with Dr. Cullen and morphine as he recovers, yay!) and Bella... barely gets to see him then either.

At least Edward's upset about this too and annoyed, if for very different reasons.

Bella finds herself just... ending up with Edward, with no closure on how that Jacob thing would have gone if it would have gone everywhere. Jacob's not even promising to never speak to her again/kill her on sight anymore, he doesn't even seem to care about vampirism as all he wants to do is hang out with Carlisle Cullen, which is.... good? This is good? Is this good?

Jacob doesn't run out of town before the wedding, he's right there, the whole time, hanging out with Carlisle (who is gently trying to tell Jacob that, you know, the Cullens will have to leave this place and your whole family is here so you should... try... to get over this or be... um... long distance).

When Bella becomes pregnant, Jacob only cares that this is clearly stressing Carlisle out who is now supposed to figure out how to birth her demon, alien, horrifying spawn. Gosh, Bella.

(Bella misses her best friend).

And...

Damn.

Basically the rest of the series happens, as Jacob still protects pregnant Bella as he has to protect Carlisle, except that Jacob is imprinted on Vampire Dad and Bella's trying to have a very brave face about this.

SHE AND JACOB ARE STILL FRIENDS! (He just doesn't talk to her anymore...)

[mel-155-a]

I fucking hate being trans and also transitioning was the correct decision and I have no idea how to square those two things.

Hormones took way too long to do way too little, almost twelve years down the line I still get constantly misgendered, my tits are...fine. I guess. Average, which is honestly more than I expected so.....woo.

Vocal training makes me suicidal and a significant majority of the people offering it are actually offering extremely overpriced singing lessons when they aren't even qualified in anyway to do that beyond "being good at singing". I'm still stuck in a shitty cycle of trying it and failing hard every couple of years, because my voice makes me cry when I fail to disassociate properly from it in my day to day life and actually hear it.

It took me ten years to get the first stage of a colovaginalplasty in July, and it's been three months of pain, frustration, anxiety, and fear as my reward for the previous ten years of endless humiliation and stress that was constantly getting fucked with by surgeon's offices and insurance companies. I have never been particularly horny, but even for me, three months of any kind of masturbation or sex being complicated and difficult to get anything out of is a whole fucking lot to deal with.

I am getting the second stage in December, and the wait is hellish and the healing process is going to be worse, another extended painful, frustrating, anxiety and fear inducing healing period that will likely last at least a year, maybe longer. And it may or may not be over at that point, I might need revisions which will require more healing and frustration and pain.

I could try to get some kind of FFS so I could look in the mirror without cringing, but god, MORE surgery? Having to go through another years long process to try and force an insurance company to cover it, only to get the chance to be miserable for a year or more? Yeah, sounds great. Just what I wanted.

Make-up is a no go because of the face stuff, clothes generally don't fit me because I am a freakishly large 6'3" 230 something pound giant, and even when I do find something, a new skirt might feel good for an afternoon if I am really lucky. Getting misgendered in it regularly lasts forever.

And the trans community is just FUCKED. I know I am a traumatized, depressed, downer pretty regularly, and that is after ten years of therapy and trying really hard to get better. There are quite a lot of trans people who have not had the chance to do that ten years of work on themselves and oof. It shows. It's not their fault, but god is it draining to constantly be around.

Add in the fact that I am a trans woman who has the gall to not be bright, happy, and conventionally attractive, that I am not the girldick sex bunny AND I am also not the humble non-passing ogress who is none-the-less so proud and happy to be trans, who has pride flag everything and a dozen Blahajs around and just...ugh. I can feel people just waiting for a reason to make the call-out posts and when I eventually come across them where they think I won't see, I just want to never talk to anyone again.

Nothing about being trans is good for me. It is all an exercise in misery both internal and external that I can never escape. But it was also the right choice, not transitioning was worse. What the fuck do I do with that?

It's made even worse because I feel like I am "betraying the cause" or something, hurting all the other vulnerable trans women around me and the non trans femmes I love and have in my life, by being this just constantly screaming pain parade. That there should be a finish line to all this and I should have reached it by now, and been able to come back and happily report to everyone else that their time wandering in the desert will end as well.

I am just stuck. I don't have the resources or ability to disappear into the background and leave being trans behind except as a historical footnote, and it's all so normalized that any joy or novelty is long, long gone, leaving just the pain. I am not sure the joy and novelty were EVER there for me personally. If they were, the memories are so distant and faded as to be meaningless.

So...what the fuck do I do? There isn't a Transition 2 to get me out of the rut. This is just my life. And it fucking sucks.

I feel really apprehensive about posting this, I feel like people will be weird about it. But I am pretty sure that I can't be the only person who feels like this. Who feels stuck, left behind, and unwelcome because they are miserable with the thing that they are constantly told should have saved them. So, if that sounds like you, you aren't alone. I don't have any answers either, but we can have a little pity party together I guess. Wooooo.

[remyfire]

Here's a thought: sex pollen sidhawk

(prompts now closed) I don't want to talk about why this ended up being 3k, and I will be honest, it has not been beta'd, but boy, did that feel good to write. I hope you enjoy, anon!! Thank you so much for the prompt!

It's difficult enough every time that Sidney's care is requested at the 4077th, but getting the call when it comes to one Hawkeye Pierce is unsettling to the point of being unable to stand once he has hung up the phone. Sidney's perfectly organized mind, filing cabinet after filing cabinet, suddenly falls into solid darkness, inaccessible, making him as useless as a goldfish in a glass of water. But when he can urge the blood into his legs, everything comes rushing back, leaving him tight in his skin as he rushes to prepare himself for the journey.

In truth, Hawkeye is the reason why it is incredibly hard to be summoned there. He's dangerous, not in a violent or fearful way but to the integrity of Sidney's heart. It is all but necessary to hold him at bay—regardless of how tempting it is to protect him, memorize him, study him, understand him—but any attempt to tell Hawkeye this has not brought any positive results. He's hungry. He always has been. If he's not devouring knowledge or forcing his assistance to be taken, he's coaxing people into his bed and often finding himself in pieces when it's over. Attempting to dissuade him from those impulses never goes well.

It doesn't matter what they crave with one another, even if they share the same desires for a lover, a partner, a soft place to settle like a bird in its nest. There's too much danger in the midst of this war zone, not just physically but mentally, emotionally. Every day, Sidney reminds himself that he must maintain an objectivity between himself and any potential patients. And unfortunately for all of them, this includes and perhaps prioritizes Hawkeye. Though he'd never admit it to a soul, Sidney is all but certain that Hawk straddles the edge of a breakdown. Maybe it won't happen today, tomorrow, or even in this decade, but eventually it will come, and if Sidney is the only one there who might be able to give him care...

He does, however, recognize the flaw of his plan to remain objective. If he was to ever have a chance at not falling for Hawkeye, then he needed to refuse the invitation to that very first "medical conference" because the moment that he sat elbow to elbow with Hawk, Sidney's fate was set. There's not a drop of objectivity remaining.

He simply can't let it get worse.

As Colonel Potter departs, leaving Sidney alone outside of the VIP tent, Sidney takes a moment to really let the briefing he just received sink in. Once Hawkeye returned from a routine visit to an aid station, he was showing an odd list of symptoms such as glassy eyes, difficulty responding to questions, slurring speech, elevated body temperature, and clammy skin. Though the medical staff are still sorting through what tests they are able to safely perform here to rule out a number of physical ailments, the recent change from slurred speech to a mild personality shift necessitated both a low dose of a sedative and an immediate call for Sidney's assistance.

He's taken everything in as well as he can. He isn't sure exactly what he's walking into right now—mild personality shift appears to include overwhelming assertiveness, hypersexual behavior, and desperate bargaining, all of which could point to a wide array of his own possible diagnoses—but no matter what he sees in this tent, he knows he must remain as calm as possible.

This is all very well and good until he actually opens the door, steps inside, and sees that Hawkeye appears to be recovering from the sedative. He knows this because the 4077th's chief surgeon is currently in the cot on his side, rutting languidly against the pillow, sweat dripping from his hair, and three of his own fingers in his mouth with drool dripping down all of them.

As Hawk gazes at him, his pupils are dilated so alarmingly that Sidney's heart stops. He didn't hear any mention of a potential head injury. Surely they would've noticed that. There's no blood, no bruising, no outward sign of trauma, no—

"Sidney," Hawkeye breathes in the huskiest possible tone. With a crooked grin, he rolls toward the edge of the cot. "Sidney..."

"Careful," Sidney blurts. He darts forward into a kneel and catches Hawk with a hand on his chest before he can fall straight to the floor.

Alarmingly, Hawk whines, eyes falling shut, head tipping back, a full-body shiver breaking through him. "Fuck, fuck, please..."

"Let's make you comfortable, all right, Hawkeye?" Sidney asks as mildly as he can. Instinct kicks in. Soothe, soothe, soothe. "I thought I might come by to check on you. It sounds like you've had a busy afternoon." But as he is working on easing Hawk flat on his back, quiet moans bubble out of Hawkeye, short and pained, each paired with Sidney applying pressure to his body—shoulder, arm, even touching his forehead to check his temperature.

"Don't stop. Please don't stop..."

The moment Sidney lifts his hands, Hawkeye cries out and writhes in the cot. "Hawkeye, honey, what are you feeling?" Sidney knows the desperation is coloring his voice, but as he expected, objectivity has vanished in a puff of smoke.

"Hurts. Please!" He reaches for Sidney's wrist.

"What hurts, zissele?" The old endearment falls from his lips before he can stop it, but Hawkeye gets a hold of his arm then with a bruising grip and yanks Sidney hard enough to almost topple him into the cot. "Hawkeye?" Keep your head, Freedman, come on. He notes how Hawkeye presses Sidney's palm into his own abdomen, how he whimpers and bucks his hips but refuses to let him pull away. "Does this help?"

There's no indication that Hawkeye hears him, just a rapidly whispered mantra of "Don't stop, don't stop, don't stop..."

Working on instinct alone, Sidney squeezes Hawk's forearm with his other hand. The sharp whine he receives right away is both needy and relieved. But when he loosens his grip, Hawkeye all but snarls, darting for Sidney's arm, looking on the verge of tears when Sidney pulls it out of range. "Is it the pressure?" Sidney prompts. "Hawkeye, if you're able to, I need you to communicate with me, all right?" This sort of forceful urging goes against his training—he must stay steady, he must, he must—but the words bring Hawk's gaze back to meet his all the same. "Does pressure help relieve what you're feeling?"

Hawk's body twitches again as he stares up at Sidney with the saddest eyes he's ever seen. "Sidney..." Another thrash. They don't seem to be seizures, but those sort of involuntary spasms— "Sidney?" Hawkeye's voice goes whisper thin and yet far clearer.

"Yes, that's it, I'm here, zissele." Is this a temporary moment of clarity? He makes an internal jot beside the question for his observations to follow. How has he taken dozens of mental pages of notes since walking into this tent minutes ago?

"Pressure. The pressure. I-It feels like..." Hawk shudders, lids drooping.

Sidney sucks in a sharp breath. "Stay here with me. What does it feel like?"

He seems to force his eyes wide open, keeps them firmly focused on Sidney without blinking. "Fuck, fuck, Sid, it's, it's like I've got, like I'm a balloon, like the..." A giggle slips out with an edge of hysteria. "Jesus, all that hot air finally caught up to me, huh?"

Nervous laughter. Another jot. Sidney speaks over the rolling wave of cackles. "Is it painful? Does it come and go or is it consistent?"

Hawkeye hums in high amusement, a grin that melts into a pout with a matching furrowed brow. "I need it. Sid, I need it, I need it I need it I need—"

In an act of desperation, Sidney drapes his whole arm across Hawk's chest and pushes downward, and for one moment, Hawk goes completely silent, all held breath and parted lips. But Sidney has never been a particularly physically powerful man nor does his endurance apply to more than the mental fortitude to withstand long, grueling sessions with cracked patients. He can't sustain the weight for more than fifteen seconds, and as his tired muscles begin to lift, Hawkeye wails.

And just like that, Sidney Freedman, dedicated psychiatrist who only operates with thoughtful care, throws everything to the wind and crawls into the cot. "Here I am, Hawkele," he whispers, the fond Yiddish suffix coming to him faster than his own name. He straddles Hawkeye and lets himself turn into completely dead weight.

"Yesssss... Ohh, yes, Sidney." Hawk wraps his arms and legs around him and squeezes as tightly as he can. He's all but soaked through his clothes with sweat and they're so damp that Sidney aches to pull away, pull them off, pull out a towel to dab over him and clean him up, but the last thing he's capable of doing right now is physically abandoning Hawkeye for so much as a moment.

Sidney drops his voice to what he hopes is a soothing level. "Is this helping? Can you hear me?" With every passing second, Sidney becomes more and more aware of how hard Hawkeye is in his fatigues, and though he tries to imagine himself in the middle of the Arctic Circle, his body stirs in response. Not now. He buries his face in Hawk's chest. Not now, please not now.

Like a gentle rippling tide, Hawk begins to grind against him.

"Hawkeye." Sidney whips his head up and tries to catch his eye.

"Wanna come back," Hawk whispers, crystal clear. "Don't, don't let me get stuck like this, Sid, fuck, fuck, don't let me stay here, please?"

"Stay where? Hawkeye." He tries to be firm when Hawkeye bucks upward once more, reaches for his hip in an attempt to hold him still.

"My head. It's boiling. All the steam's getting caught in my veins. I can't think, I can't—" As his voice goes wet, sympathetic tears rush to Sidney's eyes. All at once, Hawk sucks in a sharp breath and grabs Sidney by the face. He pins him there with his stare. "Fuck me."

Sidney tries to shake his head but Hawkeye's grip tightens.

"Fuck me, Sidney, fuck it out of me, fuck me better." Every word tumbles out of Hawkeye faster, faster, faster, each as pointed as a scalpel.

"This isn't the way it should go, zissele," Sidney murmurs back, pleading. "I can't be sure if you're in your right mind. I don't know if you're you. Can you understand that?"

On he goes, rutting, panting. "Private Kafka," Hawk all but snaps, and while Sidney's trying to make sense of it, he goes on in a single breath. "That's inscrutable, the psychiatric basis for gambling, I'm not screwed up enough, I told you, Biarritz, Sidney, the choo-choo around the bend—"

"Hawkeye..." The wobble in Sidney's voice is too telling. He inhales, holds it, lets it out, presents the picture of being as calm as he possibly can be. "You know we can't do that. There's too many steps. We don't have the supplies. And even if we did, I don't know what you're experiencing, but there's no scientific basis for sexual intercourse relieving any of the symptoms that you're experiencing—"

"Pressure," Hawkeye hisses, lifting his head so they're nose to nose. "Sidney, Sid, I would..." He curls into Sidney with a groan, limbs clenching him tighter, bringing their erections flush together through just a few layers of fabric, bringing goosebumps down Sidney's spine. "I-I'd kill for it not to be like this, but Jesus Christ, when you're not, not holding me down like this, that's when I'm not my head, that's when I get, when I'm lost, I need it out of me, I need to release it, please, fuck, please, Sid, don't leave me here, don't let me—"

As Sidney touches their foreheads together, he rolls his hips forward, and as Hawk whimpers and digs his nails into Sidney's back, he tries desperately not to hate himself. "Hawkele. I'm sorry, honey." Years of medical and psychiatric training reduced to this, clinging to the man who he loves, rutting against him like they're animals in heat, taking what should be a beautifully intimate experience and reducing it to—

"Thank you." The words drift up and brush Sidney's lips with steam-hot air. "Oh, fuck, Sidney, thank you, God..."

The mere notion that Hawkeye is thanking him for the scraps of what Sidney so dearly wants to provide? No, no, that's sour on his tongue, bugs under his skin. There's too much adoration trapped in his chest to be thanked for this.

Despite every boundary he's tried to maintain, Sidney surges forward to kiss him. As he drinks up the mewling moans vibrating into his mouth, Sidney keeps a steady rhythm, trying to ignore the electric pulses of pleasure climbing his spine, helpless but to feel them anyway. When Hawk gets a hand around the back of his neck, Sidney sinks fingers into his hair, scraping over his scalp.

I'm not leaving you trapped, he tries to transmit straight into Hawkeye's mind. I want every piece of you, zissele, your mind, your heart, your body, your fears, your dreams... With a slight shift, Sidney trips into the perfect angle. It's fire sweeping into an inferno inside of him. As a groan pulls itself free from his tight hold, Hawkeye seems to light up from the sound of it. He kisses with a delicious excitement that feels exactly like Sidney has always dreamed of. Frenetic. Agile. It's good, it's too good, it's exactly enough to fuzz Sidney over just a touch with getting a taste of all of his fantasies.

He's not sure who flips the switch inside of him, but Sidney redoubles his efforts.

The sweat begins to break over his entire body as well, pairing with the ecstasy as perfectly as a sweet wine. He gives everything he has. It doesn't matter that they don't have a scrap of clothing off, Sidney fucks him, and he does it like he does anything else—with a single-minded concentration on the final goal. Pressure, Hawkeye says, that's what he needs, this constant push of their bodies together. If Sidney had his way, he'd get his mouth on Hawkeye, find out what his pretty cock tastes like, suck him straight down his throat and swallow and see what kind of relief that might provide... But no, not today, not here, not now, not when the only way he could manage it comfortably while being able to keep an eye on Hawk's expression would be to remove his weight.

Sidney shudders as he shoves his arms under Hawk's shoulders, trying to squeeze him just that little bit more. "You're beautiful, Hawkeye," he can't help but whisper. "Oh, zissele... Is this what you need?"

"Perfect," Hawkeye murmurs, lets out a whimper, then tries again. "It's perfect, Sidney, please—"

"I won't stop. I-I can't..." Sidney bites his lip before he lets anything else out that might be too presumptive. But God, it's all but impossible to hold it in when he's straddling a peak. He doesn't feel as though he's earned an orgasm. There's no world where he deserves it, where he can be sure he's not taking advantage. It's Hawkeye who needs this. And it seems as if he might be barely seconds away from finding it.

Hawkeye's moans have reached a fever pitch. They're possibly the most arousing sounds Sidney has ever heard in all of his forty-seven years. What's more, he's back to writhing, putting everything he has into the almost hypnotic rocking of their bodies, never passive, never, not his Hawkeye. "Sid, it's so good, I-I'm so close."

"That's it, Hawkele, take it, take everything you need from me, let, let me help." Sidney's voice cracks, the tears in his eyes wrapped intrinsically around the crushing, vulnerable intimacy that's trying to claw its way out of his chest.

"Sidney!" Hawk shouts his name just before he bites down on Sidney's jacket and muffles his scream as he lets go. Sidney swears that somehow he can feel the heat of his release bleeding through their shorts, their trousers, and though his hips are beginning to ache, he pushes on like his high school days of sprinting, seeing Hawkeye through all the way to the end, buck after buck. It takes every fiber of his being to withhold his own orgasm, not to—

With a high-pitched whine, Hawk drops his head back on the pillow. "Don't stop, don't stop, come for me, Sidney, please."

—come, fuck, fuck, like a depth change, like plummeting under the ocean and being squeezed by it into his own death, desperate pleasure and tears, wordless weeping, everything tightening as he shakes and shakes and shakes around Hawkeye until it begins to dissipate, until all that remains is the trembling, the fear of letting go.

But Hawkeye is here too. He's petting through Sidney's curls and shivering with him. And just as the guilt makes its return, Hawk whispers, "It's, it's... H-Hold on, I think it's working."

Another mental jot. When Sidney becomes aware of it, he almost barks an unstable laugh of his own. But instead he lifts his head and cups Hawkeye's cheek with a sniffle. "You're...yes, you're becoming cooler."

Hawkeye grins, the edges of his eyes crinkling. "Are you saying I was a loser before?"

That draws the chuckle. "Oh, you're certainly clearing up," he drawls. He feels as though he's desperately reaching for strings of normalcy, the rhythm that he's familiar with. But he's also exhausted. Anxious. Sidney tilts his head, watching in fascination as Hawk's pupils begin to shrink. "Your eyes aren't glassy. Your voice is steadier. Your—"

"Dr. Freedman," Hawk murmurs as he gives him one more squeeze. "If it's all the same to you, I'd like to table the diagnostics for five minutes of holding you."

Oh, he's a goner, every bit of him. But if he's being honest with himself, this isn't a new state of being, no matter how much he ran from it. Sidney closes his eyes with an unsteady sigh. "Your motion has been approved, Dr. Pierce," he whispers back, then buries his face in his Hawkele's neck. The world can stand still for five minutes. And if it doesn't, if it comes to a sudden end, then at least he'll be here in Hawk's arms to bid it farewell.

[apricotbuncakes]

I Need Top Surgery ASAP

My dysphoria is off the charts. I've been doing literally anything I can to reduce the dysphoria around my chest but it is way too costly for me to buy trans tape that doesn't work well for me and chest binders that stretch out even with proper washing. Binding regularly makes it near impossible to breath and with my job as a lifeguard it's really unsafe to bind because of how hot the pool room is and the physical demand of the job. I end up having to bind anyway though because daily dysphoria is more crippling than milder dysphoria and some breathing troubles.

I've wanted top surgery since I was 14. For years I've had dreams of getting top surgery and crying when I wake up because it wasn't real. Now at 20 the possibility is finally here to make my dreams come true, for me to resolve my chest dysphoria and back pain, to make me feel more comfortable as myself. I've needed top surgery for YEARS but am just now reasonably able to get it.

If you donate ANY amount of money (a few cents, a dollar, five, ten, twenty, whatever!!) to this gofundme you will get your name personally written on a trans flag that I will share online! Anonymous donors will have their own section of the flag so you can still get recognition without your name being displayed publicly! So far the GoFundMe has raised $255! Through my own savings, the total money saved is a bit past $310.

Can't donate? Reblog, repost this GoFundMe to other platforms. Share with friends who may be able to financially contribute. Just share it around (and be sure to link the GoFundMe too!!).

More Info:

I realize some people are hesitant to just donate money to those they don't know so my ask box is open for any questions you might have about the GoFundMe, but I'll go over the broad strokes here too!

"Do you have someone willing to perform the surgery on you?"

I already have a surgeon willing to perform top surgery on me AND a therapist willing to write a letter to said surgeon to also verify that this surgery is appropriate for me!

"Why is it so expensive?"

The surgeon I chose has told me the price for the surgery itself is $8,500 BUT! My goal is $10,000 because of other costs associated with the surgery! Things like aftercare supplies (things to help with scarring, comfort items, etc), bills (car, phone, pet supplies, student loans) that I won't be able to earn the money for during recovery, and after surgery visits. There are other smaller expenses to take into account as well that I haven't listed. All of those things cost A LOT. I likely won't be able to work for a few months after surgery due to not only recovery time but also my line of work, which is why I'm including them in the surgery cost. All of these things have to be taken into account for the pricing, hence why my goal is $10,000.

"Why can't you just go through your insurance?"

The fuckers gave me an out of date list of surgeons in my area, most of which don't specialize in top surgery or related procedures, and SEVERAL of the surgeons on there are actually deceased. They have been of no further help on this. Of the surgeons eligible on the list, ONE responded (and he was an absolute dick who told me I had to lose weight before he would even consider performing it on me). They also have a load of requirements like being a whole year on HRT (I'm only 7 months at the end of April 2024), having a certain BMI (a bullshit requirement for ANYTHING), and a handful of other factors that I wouldn't be able to meet reasonably soon Truly, out of pocket is the safest and best option for me.

"Why can't you just get a breast reduction?"

What's the point of a reduction if I'm going to bind what's left anyway? I don't want my breasts. They distress me and make me dysphoric. Top Surgery is the best option for me.

"What happens if you don't need all the money you raised?"

In the unlikely event that I don't need all the money I'm asking for, I will likely use it for other important things in my life or donate the money to someone else who needs top surgery. I'll likely donate through GoFundMe, but I'll look around locally too in case there's someone who needs money in my community.

My ask box is open if you have any other questions not addressed here.

[eldritchmochi]

okay so, to have a place for consolidated information for the next little bit, since i'm sure folks have QUESTIONS given my incredibly aggressive gallows humour

MOCHI, WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT?? (guts edition)

if you got here via a link, follow this link instead for the latest update here's updates 1.5, 2.0, and 3.0 !

tldr ive been getting a number of recurrent small bowel obstructions located in my duodenum (first part of the small intestine, connecting the stomach to the rest of the bowel) due to external pressure on the duodenum around the 3rd to 4th (of 4) section. what's causing the pressure?? no clue actually ive done a bazillion scans and none of them have been quite clear enough for a real confident dx so i get to have surgery about it at some point in the near future

current theory is the pressure is from some sort of non-cancerous tumor mass and the plan is to cut me open nice and big, look about, and remove both this mass and the affected section of the duodenum (.5 of an organ) at a minimum, but may involve fully bipassing the duodenum when my guts get hooked back up to my stomach which could (would???) also require removing my gallbladder (1 and 2 organs respectively) (i'm having so much yanked out of my abdomen this summer jfc)

atm i'm still waiting for scheduling to give me a call to set things up. surgeon's estimate was 4-5 weeks from now (8/17 when he called). from that point i'll spend a week-ish in the hospital to make sure all hoses are firmly affixed, and then i'll have a month at a minimum before i'm reasonably healed and can go back to normal life

i have good insurance and the luck (????) of being incredibly ill at the best of times, so i've already hit my out of pocket max and thus this WHOLE THING even back dating to my first er visit end of june will cost a whopping 189$ that i've already paid. i also should qualify for my states paid medical leave and my wife will get a hefty chunk of change for living expenses via student loans. however, both those things won't hit until late september at the earliest

long term, im not expecting much of a financial burden, but short term we could use a hand with groceries and similar while we wait for my backpay and my wife's student loans

for venmo and paypal: i am @/sumomomochi for both and either is fine, though pp is labeled as a business account so pls mark f&f if you can

i also have this amazon wishlist ( https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/N1NSTH3JPCX2?ref_=wl_share ) that is like 90% meal replacement shakes and bulk shelf stable snacks, but also has a couple of other useful things like bathing wipes since i am unlikely to be able to shower well post surgery, pj pants for when it cools down (i went up a size with t because my ass and thighs got just so beefy and thus have one pair that fits rn lmao), and cat food for the penni (gotta keep my nurse well paid)

uuuh what else

like i said, i'm incredibly ill at the best of times so i am a champ at weathering this sort of stuff its nbd. "i'm sorry"s are not helpful, i'd much rather have people ask direct specific questions, either about my health status or things i'm doing to keep busy (ie "any new and fun things causing tummy issues?" or "hows your battle vest coming?" or "whats your fav line youve written this week?"). engagement and entertainment is Important to keep me from climbing the walls but i swear i will bite at straight sympathy

things ive been doing to keep me out of the er include: laying on my left side or stomach (The Digestion Position; helps get food past the squished part); eating a semi-liquid diet (hence ensure, jello, pudding, the like, though its important that i also eat solid food as much as is tolerated, which is such a delicate balance. this is why i cannot currently work); going on stupid little walks for my stupid digestive health (honestly the most important thing i can do, which im mad about, because it requires pants, but not only encourages guts to digest but also will help me not decondition, which i have already done a lot of :I)

things YOU can do to help (because i know *i* am a helper but also what is actually helpful??): financially with the above deets (no pressure); asks, comments, and other conversational interactions (i am absolutely chill with basically any kind of question and i dont mind dms if youd prefer privacy, just dont pedestal me i promise i am just A Dude); fanart for my fics (i do not care if you "cant draw" i will still love it); prompts for fandom but not necessarily fic projects (wardrobe moodboards/meta for characters, playlists/songs, smut writing how to questions, cosplay progress/plans qs, those "what was x's pov in this scene/what specifically happened between x and y in this fic?" qs andor other ask meme things idk dude i haven't been able to do shit for almost three months im booooored)

in conclusion

nurse penni says do not worry about herb patient, he is in good hands, just be sure to offer regular enrichment

[fatalelity]

oh yeah here's tav! addison (or as i like to say ... taddie. bc haha tadpole .... okay bye)

basic rundown ( spoilers for act i mainly ) :

she was born to a dynasty of surgeons, doctors, spellcasters etc in baldur's gate

she's a medical doctor — trained surgeon to be precise, but god she is not a cleric and will go on a 'not all doctors are clerics fuck you' rant

a lover of wine, literature, and just having a good time mostly

she's a pacifist at heart so you can imagine how she feels with what happened to the goblins (yes, my party's on permanent knock ppl out mode)

oh on that note, she became an accidental necromancer... hahaha

being a variation of tav, she's special in the way that she has an innate ability to turn back time (never forward) — if you're familiar at all with "reset theories" this is what i'm going for. for those who don't know, the tldr is that she will remember every event that happens even if she goes to another spot in time (aka reloading a save state). she can't will it to happen. it triggers upon intense emotional responses. it's only been triggered twice in game. it'll take a toll on her and she won't be able to rest for at least two nights

so, that being said she is a sorcerer!

her main party at the moment are with shadowheart, karlach, and gale

she's definitely polyamorous. she has intense feelings for both shadowheart and gale, which is one of the points in the timeline that fucks her up the most

she really does like karlach, but probably wouldn't try to pursue a romance or whatever with her. they vibe. they get angry together. it's fun /*shrugs*

ACT ONE.

she accidentally got lae'zel killed by the tieflings who held her captive — she thought they'd leave the other in her hands but alas. they went into battle, rolled initiative and she wasn't fast enough to stop people... she still feels horrible about it

she's spurred events that lead to the druids attacking the tieflings twice — those were her two resets. she still feels guilty about it, even though the current timeline they are fine... mostly

needless to say, she did not side with the goblins. whilst she actively tried not to kill them, it's hard not to when you use magic and your self preservation instincts kick in

she didn't actually kill minthara, knocked her out real good and hoped she lived

she consumed a tadpole once and that was that

got beef with astarion, tbh they probably would've had hate sex or something idk man. it's a weird relationship she's either being really nice to him or roasting him alive

actively trying to get shadowheart the fuck outta sharran but like, won't judge her for her faith bc it's all she's got since her memories are literally taken away

she's learned to lie real well since travelling with the cohort

scratch, owlbear, arabella, plus mol's gang are her kids. do not fuck with them. i'm serious. she almost killed kagha during the first reset because of it.

unfortunately due to her being single minded of wanting to get the gang to baldurs gate and find answers, unless she sees your suffering, gets lost herself, and/or its something related to her personally she will not engage in the side quests

that being said, they did spend some time in the underdark but very briefly because they got lost and ended back in the camp

so instead, she opts to go through the mountain pass but again got lost and ran into ethel

she accidentally uses necromancy to make mayrina's husband er ... undead. needless to say she feels like a sack of shit for doing that and wants to undo it but this is ultimately mayrinas choice so she let's them be

since on the topic of necromancy, she does still have that cursed necromancy of thay book in possession. no idea what to do with it but yknow, it's not an active problem

in the mountain pass she will not make a detour to the creche, she will go straight to the shadow cursed lands

ACT TWO.

shes actively trying to not have gale go blow himself up... desperately.

there's some strain between her and the others minus karlach, her mvp ... the fires of avernus can sure be comforting in moments that feel so cold to her

I will say this : the decisions she makes here are NOT good. at this point she's mostly focused on keeping everyone alive and kinda forgot about the fact that halsin is Here to lift the curse

she follows kar'niss, does the whole cutscene at moonrise tower and reluctantly agrees to help balthazaar

she goes into his room and er, let's just say her party (NOT HER) took more than just the moonlantern

she will get lost because she's a rich girl from baldurs gate who never learned how to USE a compass ... anyways, let's say she does not go to the mausoleum first and ends up trekking backwards ....

before reaching last light inn, she meets the boy Oliver and plays only one round of hide n seek with him because she has a mission and that triggered the scene where she had to fight his family and pissed him off so royally that it locked her outta lifting the curse. oops. she doesn't know that though ...

when she finds dammon she will actually make the detour to find karlach her metal. she adores karlach. she wants her to live. she wants to give her a real hug.

during said metal excursion er .... let's say she finds her way into the house of healing and she found arabella's parents before arabella herself... the house of healing was where she did her first act of mercy killings outta the many

arabella obviously will stay in camp and tbh, she has this gnawing feeling so she looks around to see if there are any other surviving tieflings (there were not, she was distraught and during long rests the more restless companions can hear her cry in the corner)

i know she said no detours but she saw a night orchid by the cliff and HAD TO get it for shadowheart because God she would kill for some joy — shadowhearts little reaction / joke made her smile for the first time very sincerely

anyways, she finally finds their way into the mausoleum and ahahaha .... hahaha ....

the gauntlet of shar was probably one of the most painful things to witness shadowheart go through. she did not like it and in fact at some point she takes over and sacrifices her own blood

she ignores raphaels entire request lmao

uhm, I'd say what she did with balthazaar was er ... some misty steps, and she pushed him off a cliff out of self preservation

taps into shadowhearts goodness and let her lean into her own intuition which resulted in aylin being spared

after shadowhearts been exiled, she will literally do whatever means to comfort her oh dear God

jaheira does die in moonrise tower ... she feels like shit about it (lol what's new)

anyways, the big boss battle happens and they make their road to baldurs gate

ACT THREE.

say no to evolution god please. she hates the emperor and will do things to piss him off such as steal from the house of hope

she completes companion events in this order (as of now): shadowheart, astarion, karlach, wyll, gale

she didn't actively encourage shadowheart to kill her parents but shadowheart did; she DID actively encourage astarion to not ascend and free the spawns ... oops. monster hunters hate her so much rn

she's deeply tormented by orin. like i mean deeply. she's in despair. she wants it to stop so bad.

obviously she chooses aylin and isobel over some wizard in a tower

she wants to fist fight shar and mystra. so bad. she may be a healer but *cocks gun*

i will add more to this and then write a cohesive page as the game progresses here lol

[allsadnshit]

hi izzy im 22 and i have a family history of endo and have been experiencing frightening symptoms and i dont really know who else to talk to in this regard and i hope this isnt rude to send. i am just curious how u went about getting ur diagnosis and what u think are some good first steps for someone experiencing these things. my mom spent a lot of time on a lot of endless painkillers as i was growing up. and im very afraid of reproductive care bc of how archaic it is! love you thank you <3 theres no need to answer if u feel this is too invasive, i appreciate ur time

It's honestly a head start that you already know you have a family history of endo! Although diagnosis is still difficult to get considering surgery is the only official way to get one...you're honestly much more likely to be recommended a surgeon etc if you have your families medical records with it! So that's really good!

Unfortunately I will say for myself and the people I know personally with endo, getting excision surgery wasn't a relief for symptoms as it has often been advertised for some people, so in terms of pain management I don't want to be getting more surgeries myself so I wouldn't tell anyone else too either! That's a pretty personal choice considering risks and recovery, so you will have to think on that pretty seriously if you think excision could help you and make sure you are looking into what the hospitals near you offer.

For myself, diagnosis was really important since I don't have my moms medical records to assist me with understanding my health. I don't think I could be where I am at recovery, management, or socially without having the official diagnosis from laparoscopy so that was really important to me, even though diagnosis didn't do anything for me in terms in qualifying for disability or anything like that! Unfortunately with the medical system you need that paper trail if you plan to do anything in the hospital system in the future, so I am ultimately glad I got my diagnosis even though it hasn't changed things for me in terms of lifestyle or pain.

If you want to start with an obgyn, that's what most people do! And they probably won't let you talk to a specialist before you rule out the basics with getting scans and blood tests first to confirm they can't more easily see why you are in so much pain. But even if your obgyn doesn't help you, you can at least search for a surgeon after that initial intake process being able to say "I already had tests and scans done, it was inconclusive, so I need to move towards surgery for diagnosis".

Obviously I won't have a solution or answer for the broader scope of what to do because even if you do have endo, it's dynamic and can affect people so differently that it really isn't a one size fits all. If anything, I really really do NOT recommend going on any form of hormone or birth control for pain management no matter how hard it's pushed on you. I really don't believe in that method and it's another way to cover up symptoms rather than getting to the root of healing or understanding.

The biggest changes for me have come with lifestyle: changing my diet to healthier less processed options which means not eating out 90% of the time and cooking with really good quality ingredients, getting a nutritionalist who's worked with endo before, cutting back on manual labor working hours, and processing the trauma of chronic illness in therapy and pin pointing places in my life that need my attention or serious over haul for me to rebalance my stress. Stress and endo are soooo tied together because it's hormone effected so it absolutely cannot be overlooked.

Sorry to hear you are suffering in this way! I no longer take any pain medication because of a similar fear. I recommend tiger balm muscle rub lotion on your lower back, getsomedays cramp cream on your front, and a hot rice heating pad on top for pain relief + drink water + sleep well at all costs. It's a marathon not a race!

[the-darkness-does-not-bargain]

I am 👀👀👀👀 the ghost AU

Maybe to give Lilith a modicum of a defense for killing Ava she walks into the room, sees 2 dead bodies (one of them being the nun surgeon who was the last person with the Halo) and a girl covered in blood and with the Halo scar, and just reacts? Or even better, the monk/priest dude (who has been hiding) screeches something about her rising from the dead and Lilith's first thought is "a demon has the Halo" and kills her?

Also to continue to fuck with Lilith, maybe the halo fuckery allows her to feel/see/or hear ghost Ava and Shannon, which would also be a great reduction in mental health points for her.

Oh yeah, I'm sure Lilith felt justified in killing Ava. I think it just becomes apparent pretty quickly that she was probably wrong about it. Very bad times for her.

I'm imagining that not only can she sense Shannon and Ava when they're near, but the Halo starts acting weird too, not because it's angry with her or anything, it's just confused. It's like "wait, that's my Bearer. Wait, THAT'S my Bearer! But this one’s my Bearer too??!!" It's a divine computer working on overdrive with no Task Manager to force a reset.

So Lilith feels like she's losing it. She's dreaming about Shannon and seeing glimpses of her and Ava. The Halo won't follow her commands which makes her question her worthiness. And you just know she doesn't bring it up to anyone else. Give credence to the naysayers? Damage her team's faith in her leadership? No way. Of course, the girls know that something is up anyway because 1) they know Lilith and 2) they're seeing weird ghost shit too.

Shannon is doing her damndest to make contact with Mary, trying to leave her notes and show up in her dreams. Beatrice keeps thinking she hears someone running into things around her, because Ava is a simp who can't stop mooning over the pretty nun every time she and Shannon pass by. Camila probably keeps noticing weird computer glitches, like bits of code or plain text that read like someone trying talk to her, because Ava finds out she can mess around with electronics.

Making contact is a slow and painful process. Ava is still really freaked out by being in Cat’s Cradle, and Shannon coaxes her to talk about what happened in St. Michael’s, and even agrees to take one break to go to the orphanage with Ava. That's when they find Francis trying to kill Diego, and Ava goes full vengeful spirit on her ass with Shannon’s help.

As for the plot with the Warrior Nun journal and Vincent, Shannon tells Ava everything she knows from the get-go, so the conflict shifts to figuring out how to tell the rest of the team. Vincent knows that something is up, just not what exactly. Adriel might offer a hint, but he probably doesn't know much either. Ava suggests pulling a Poltergeist to mess with him, but Shannon says no on the grounds that if Vincent figures out that they're around, they'll lose the element of surprise.

She does bond with Ava over her prankster days, and they start forming a really strong friendship.

Their golden ticket probably comes in the form of Jillian. I'm sure Divinium interacts with ghosts in all kinds of ways, including (maybe?) making them more corporeal. So when the girls are raiding the facility, Shannon and Ava are finally able to reveal themselves. Which completely derails the mission but is ultimately a net positive. Once everyone is on the same page regarding ghosts and conspiracies and what not, they start planning how to take Vincent down.

[organchordsandlightning]

for the ask game... 9??

from the fanfic writer ask game

9. What’s your favorite line(s) or scene(s) that you have written?

it's funny, I was trying to think of what constituted 'favorites' and I thought of two different categories.

There's technical aspects I'm fond of: I try to include a lot of humor in my writing, and what I like best in the whole wide blue world is to make something funny while being a little bit sad. (from Catacomb Killer, Disco Elysium: here, Harry is in a half-dream, half-memory with his ex-fiance, Dora, while chasing down a potential child serial killer. A big point of this scene is that Dream!Dora does not want to be forgotten, only because Real Life Harry does not want to forget her. Ultimately, he chooses in this scene to leave his dream ex-fiance and rejoin his new partner, with the understanding that he won't ever forget Dora, not really.)

YOU – “Well, knowing me… I’ll drop by your metaphorical grave and bring flowers, from time to time. I’m not perfect.” DORA INGERLUND – “That’s fine. Sweet of you, even. Do you know what a memory’s favorite flowers are?” LOGIC [Hard: Failure] – You do not. DORA INGERLUND – She grins. “Forget-me-nots.”

(from i'm afraid to come home in the dark, MASH, WIP: post-suicide attempt, Captain Hawkeye Pierce is kept in a psychiatric institution [with all the fantastic, forward thinking care you can expect from the 1950s state hospitals]. Hawkeye Pierce is a surgeon and a terrible patient, with a penchant for cracking wise when he really shouldn't and insisting that he is absolutely fine.

this passage I'm particularly fond of because (a) it highlights Hawkeye's repetition when he gets stressed and the tape player in his mind starts to bunch up ['you know'], (b) Hawkeye gets to use a medical term *and* get a dig at the Army, and (c) in what other scenario do I get to make a medical-foot-tapping-pulse-rate pun?

“Do you gotta count how many times I tap my foot?” Hawkeye asked quizzically. The doc had been quiet for the better part of five minutes. This conversation was going long, as visits went. “Because you know, I gotta keep track of that sort of thing. For pulse, you know. You count for fifteen seconds and multiply by four to get their heart rate. It’s a beautiful marvel of efficiency. I wonder who invented it. Probably the Army.” If there was anything he really hated about this place, it was that it made him feel crazy. What doctor didn’t talk when they were spoken to? This man, with his stuffy hair and glasses, was barely looking up from his paperwork. “Am I looking low, doc? High? A little tappy-cardia on this fine evening? You know,” he said, tilting back in his chair.

secondly, looking back on things, I'm always really fond of scenes that are just particularly vivid in my head. Whether it's something I've planned the whole scene around or just popped up as I was writing, I'm always able to exactly remember how I intend the scene to look/feel.

(from third time's the charm, Malevolent, WIP: Arthur and Parker are in hospital, Arthur is on his very first detective case. For Undisclosed Plot Reasons, Parker has told Arthur to go home, misguidedly thinking that things have gotten too intense for him and he doesn't want to put Arthur in any more danger. Arthur disagrees.)

Parker’s lips twisted again. He reached up to press a few strands of his hair back into place. Almost immediately, they fell forward across his forehead. His eyes studied Arthur, and he couldn’t shake the feeling that Parker could see straight through his body to his stuttering heart. “Something happened to you, Mr. Lester,” Parker said. To his stuttering heart, indeed.  Parker gave a turn on his heel, continued his walk down the hallway. His words echoed. “Something bad.”

[ladyknight33]

Curently a PACU RN and had 48 hr call because Right to work states have laws saying you are signing up for this shit at will, even though the job makes you take call. One weekend I worked about 43 of those 48 hours. Another I worked 21 hours without being able to clock out. May have been only one patient at a time and periods of no patients because they were in the OR. But the point was we had to be there and awake to receive the patient whenever the OR was finished.

As a floor nurse, the 12 hours can be killer. Depends on how many patients and what kind of patients and if things go to hell. Even on relative easy nights/days, you're ready for the day to end around 3 or 4 am/pm.

On the one hand there was the thought that fewer shift changes improved continuity of care.

On the other hand, companies got rid of one third of their staffing needs and related benefits.

3 days a week is okay. On days it is better than on nights. It would be more tolerable if staffing ratios actually met the patient acuity needs.

But so long as RN/PCT/CNA/Techs or any other medical professional required to do 12 hrs is seen as a COST to the company rather than the very function of the hospital service, companies will never improve working conditions. Everything is geared towards Productivity. Productivity models that were designed for Manufacturing like Toyota.

Hospitals are a service but are being run like a manufacturing plant.

Doctors, Providers, PAs, NPs.... they have their own issues. But they have a lounge or office with food and non-alcoholic beverages provided to them. A place to go that is not in the immediate view of the patients. Some are not even in the building as they are on-call. So their 12 hrs is broken up much more with sitting around and dictating care notes. Rarely do they actually do physical labor to care for a patient beyond walking to the patient's room.

Doctors, Providers, PAs, NPs..... love you, but please answer your phone and not get annoyed when I'm calling about an issue or required notification. Or at least call back in a reasonable amount of time. Sometimes it feels like an eternity.

Here's why. A nurse will have one to seven patients depending on the unit and required care. A provider will have 20-50 or more, I haven't see the lists. Sometimes they are actually with a patient. Sometimes they are asleep (nights, on-call, expectations to work the next AM).

It is a messy system and one solution won't fix everything. More staff would be fantastic. Budgets won't adjust. CEOs C-suite level management won't give up the crazy high salaries. the CEO of one not-for-profit hospital system I worked in had a published salary of $,$$$,$$$. (Do not remember the numbers, but that's how many digits). The next one down was in the 200,000s-300,000s.

Government decided to decline or reduse reimbursement for readmissions or extended stays. Getting patients out faster is cheaper, but runs a higher risk of readmissions, which reduces payments, which reduces hospital income. Hospitals in rich areas don't see much reduction, hospitals in poor areas see large reductions and may eventually close, i.e. rural small county/regional hospitals.

Surgeons and ORs make money for the hospitals. Every other floor is lucky to break even. ICUs and ERs are more likely to loose the hospital money.

There are many people in the U.S. that don't have insurance, and will never payback their hospital bill so the hospital eats it by charging even more to the insurance companies. Why is 4 tablets of Ibuprofen hundreds of dollars when you can get a bottle of 200 mg tablets for under $20?

A nation wide insurance system where everyone who pays taxes, make it a sales tax if you're so worried about illegals getting "free healthcare," would improve on the non-payment side of things.

Stop letting CEOs make thousands of times more than their average wage employee. If there is anything about the pre1980s that was good in this monetary scenario, it was the relatively closed gap between average salary and CEO salary. And that is for any company. Not for profit is just another way of a company not paying taxes and to squirrel away the not-profits(really profits) into the salaries of the highest paid levels of management. Seriously some charities/nonprofits have crazy compensation packages. For profit companies risk being even worse.

This is a very simplistic view of the state of things. Just know that staffing can be terrible but the hostpial staff is trying to do the best they can for the patients. Please have patience for them. Retail and foodservice people get it. Holidays are hard for them.... Just as influxes of patients are hard on hospital staff. I've now been both a foodservice staff and a hospital staff.

Be kind.

--- Confessions of an RN who has learned too much and is tired. why am I getting a MSN degree?

Fucking hell why are we making people in hospitals who are responsible for the health and wellbeing of everyone work 12 hour shifts with no breaks I feel like I'm going insane does no one else see the problem here??

[space-helen]

There's a guy that comes into my work now and then and he's always so polite and refers to me as ma'am which I just automatically find endearing because sir I am only 25 I don't feel like I am qualified to be referred to as ma'am lol also its just not commonly said in my country like at all. One day when he was leaving he tipped his hat at me and said goodbye ma'am and oh my heaven above it was so old timey and cute and i love old Hollywood and dressing vintage and all that jazz so the hat tip really did me in

Anyway I forgot about that because it was months and months ago, well anyway he came back in recently and was still just being all polite and throwing the ma'ams out. And then I realised oh it's hat guy! and tbh i have crappy self confidence and I shit you not I couldn't even look at him, I was just typing away getting the info he needed and trying not to blush, on the freaking way out this guy does the thank you ma'am and then just as he was going through the door he turned and went you're gorgeous by the way. I am so glad he was leaving when he said that because I had to duck behind my computer screen I could not stop smiling I was legit swooning like what!? But yeah my lack of self confidence I convinced myself that somehow he could sense my insecurity and he just said that to be nice and boost my self esteem just being a nice dude like there's no way he meant it

Helennnnn he came back again and asked me out and I said no even though I really really wanted to say yes. I do not like my appearance to the point where I am saving for cosmetic surgery and have been on consultations with two surgeons. I was never planning on dating being an option for me (was mentally ill in my younger years and thought I wouldn't make it to this age). I have acne scars and I never leave the house without makeup like I can't. There's also the fact that all I do is work, go for a walk, come home and rot on tumblr for hours because I had accepted that that's good enough for me I'll do my job and spend time with my family and get my social and relationship fullments through fics 🤣 So I have no real hobbies and no personality so not only would I be soo so insecure about how I look but I wouldn't even have anything to say I wouldn't even be able to talk to him. So I had to turn him down even though I seriously didn't want to but like how can I even attempt to go on one single date when I'm not even comfortable with myself 😢 I do kind of envy the past generations when it comes to dating like my mum was married and had me by the age I am now and all I have is tumblr. I'm now convinced I'll never find anyone again because I went and said no to someone I actually liked because I don't like myself 🙃 😭

So I read this as soon as I woke up this morning and I've been thinking about it all day. First of all I'm super sorry you feel like this - these emotions are THE WORST and I know those words won't fix everything, or even anything, but I get it. Putting the rest under the cut so people on tumblr don't get mad.

This guy sounds really lovely and as you day, endearing. I love that he asked you out on a date and that's super positive!! He seems like such a gentleman/cutie.

I get why you rejected his offer. I 1000% get it. I also self sabotage a lot like you. I grew up bigger than everyone else both height and weight wise, I also had acne/spots from the age of like 8. I got bullied so much because of it all the way through school and man, it sticks. I've always been looking for love but when it actually comes to asking someone out? I just don't do it because I don't think I'm worthy of it at all. When someone shows interest (not that it happens often) I always deny it because I can't possibly see how anyone would fine me attractive. Yeah somedays I think, damn I look good and will take some photos. But it comes in waves. Most of last year I was ok and had more good days with my body image than bad. This year? the amount of times I don't like myself has increased.

I'm really really sorry you feel similar, I know it's not entirely the same but I get some of what you're feeling. Hopefully he comes back in and you can have a little conversation - I'm not saying apologise, don't do that for now, but try and spark up normal, friendly conversation if circumstances allow. Just to show that you don't dislike the guy and then maybe one day when you're feeling confident he can ask again or you can ask him. If that doesn't happen? That's also ok too! Absolutely no pressure.

I know this post isn't enough to address everything but I do want to say thank you for trusting me/putting this in my ask box. If you want to message me about it please do!! I'm always happy to chat

[ghoulpoole]

About Those Wait Times

Or, Hospitals Are Not Allies

I live in Portland, OR USA and have been receiving gender affirming care from Oregon Health and Science University (OHSU), which is the biggest hospital in Oregon. It is well-respected in the Pacific Northwest for its trans healthcare.

OHSU has a Transgender Healthcare Program that claims to "provide support, information and advocacy [and] connect you with OHSU providers who are international leaders in caring for gender-diverse patients of all ages."

I am writing for all trans people to say not to believe that. If OHSU's trans healthcare is respected, it is only because it is better than nothing.

The Transgender Healthcare Program (THP) is a decentralized organization at OHSU. It is not a hospital, or a hospital wing, or a clinic that pays its own providers. It is a loose collection of aligned providers of different specialties and clinics. It has a dedicated staff of six people. Incidentally, it is directed by a cis man with no experience in providing care to transgender patients.

The THP is ineffectual for a few reasons. It is under-resourced by OHSU. It has no direct authority over healthcare delivery. And it has no effective way to advocate for trans patients because it has no actual power in the hospital's organizational structure.

Here is a personal example.

I have scheduled a consultation with OHSU Plastic Surgery for facial feminization surgery. This consultation was scheduled in 2023 to take place in 2026. That means the surgery won't take place until at least 2027, four years after the initial consultation scheduling.

Wait times like this are just as common for breast augmentation, double mastectomy, vaginoplasty and phalloplasty. Obviously, this is unacceptable.

The THP has no satisfactory answers for what is causing the wait. They say its due to high demand. They say if you want to know more specifics about the queue, reach out to the clinic where the physician is housed.

Of course, the clinic usually won't tell you anything either. I know, because I have tried to find out.

Indulge me in a rant about the point of "high demand". Let's start with some numbers.

Let's assume that roughly 1 percent of the population in the Portland metropolitan area is trans. That's roughly 33,000 people. Let's be generous and say that 1/3 (11,000) is not interested in taking any steps toward medical transition. So, that would be a potential patient pool of 22,000 people.

According to the Oregon Health Authority, roughly 20,000 Oregonians are newly diagnosed with an invasive cancer each year.

At OHSU, there is an organization called Knight Cancer Institute, named for Phil Knight (the founder of Nike). The Knight Cancer Institute is a single building and org with radiologists, surgeons, oncologists, researchers and admin staff all focused on the same mission of treating and curing cancer.

Given the size of just the local trans population, why does the THP not have its own building, its own providers, and a large admin team to give transgender people the care they deserve?

Well, for one thing, the Cancer Institute had an initial over $600 million infusion from Phil Knight. But, this funding was conditional on OHSU matching it. So, the point is clear: transgender healthcare is not taken seriously by OHSU like the treatment of cancer is, even though lives depend on both.

If a person who needed a colectomy were asked to wait four years for the procedure, it would be an outrage. It would be medical malpractice. The person would die before they get the surgery. I view the wait times for gender affirming surgeries with the same seriousness. Its malpractice.

And also: high demand? High demand from whom exactly? From trans people who are maybe 1-2% of the population? Or from rich cisgender people who are willing and able to pay out of pocket for cosmetic procedures from the same physicians?

Clearly the THP is failing to advocate for trans patients to receive the services they need in a timely manner. They are also failing to connect patients to services. The THP has an intake form on their website for new trans patients that asks for a great deal of sensitive information.

One would expect that this would lead to a phone call, or even an email conversation. But instead, new patients get emailed a pdf list of resources and are told to talk to their provider. THP staff has said in personal conversations that this is due to lack of appropriate staffing to screen intakes.

So, if the THP can't connect trans people with resources directly, and can't influence access to services, what exactly does it do?

It pays lip service. It is a way for OHSU to claim they center gender-diverse patients without providing them the care they deserve. The efforts of a caring and hardworking administrative staff for the THP go to waste.

The THP should be its own Knight Cancer Institute. It should have its own payroll and providers. It should be able to make its own income. It can't do that now because most trans patient dollars go to the clinics where their providers are housed.

It should be run by a trans person, a queer person, or at the very least a cis person with real-world experience in treating trans people. The current director is none of these. There is no indication that he has the slightest idea what the trans community needs.

The THP in its current form likes to think of itself as an ally to the trans community. It touts itself as one of the most robust transgender healthcare programs in the US. If that is true, I wonder: how low is the bar? In many places in the US, trans healthcare doesn't exist. Should we be thankful? Should we accept the unacceptable as better than nothing?

I don't. I won't. In its current form, the THP is is complicit in harm done to trans people. For years we wait and wait. Some die waiting. I for one am tired of being polite and not saying anything while standing in line.

[hababa]

have been wrangling with anxiety and uncertainty and self-rejection around top surgery for the last few months but feel like i'm digesting these fears day by day and getting a bit more clear-headed about my decision. long elaboration to no one under the cut

im like 70% certain that i'm going to go through with double incision that i have scheduled for february 2024. sometimes i feel like i should wait a bit longer until i can afford or access non-flat/inverted T anchor/radical reduction (not worried about preserving nipple sensation but don't want to be unproportionately flat to my tummy and hips. god im so jealous of cis men and their stupid sexy little man boobs. i want just a liiiiiiittle fat left there, just enough to still look male). my surgeon said he would leave a little bit of tissue there but his other results i've seen online seem to be really flat, like prepubescent cis boy levels of flat, and i dont think that will match my body well cause i'm not skinny. there doesnt really seem to be a lot of surgeons that can do non-flat top surgery for NB folk around the UK/europe and i dont want to wait three or four more years before i can afford it in america or access it with nthanos, the idea of having boobs like this another few years sounds like hell. especially considering i would be giving up the option to have DI in the next few months (i anticipate if i cancel i will feel very depressed afterwards), and especially the more my body masculinises on testo. im also worried about my breasts growing bigger than i want which they might do w methods that preserve the nipple stalk - they won't with DI. compared to the pre-op chests i've seen of people who got inverted T, my boobs are really big and saggy so i also worry that if i do get to that point where I can access inverted T they won't be able to operate on my big fat fucking boobies lol. my nipples are super low down so idk if they'll even be able to preserve the stalks and achieve a masculine chest. idk idk.

i'm able to name now that i'm reckoning with a fear of losing control. i can't control the chest that my surgeon will construct while i'm under anaesthesia. i can't control how my body will look post-op (though i can imagine and suggest to him what I want), can't control if i'll like my new figure (though i can estimate that my self-image will improve overall? it'll be a huge adjustment...). i can't control if 10 years down the line i will have regretted transitioning (and my inner transphobe has a lot to say about that..) . it feels really frightening at times. the way i see myself and others see me is going to change permanently. i worry of my dysphoria travelling south to my hips and bum once the attention is away from my boobs. my fear speaks with the tongue of a facist and tells me that my body is going to look weird and ugly. and when i'm tired and i havent taken deep breathes for a while, it just goes on and on and on and on like that...

i think strangely i'm still a little in denial about being trans. i've been having trans feelings and gender dysphoria since i was like 16 (8 years wtf!!!) and even though it ebbs and flows - some days i can leave the house braless in a t shirt and ignore the dysphoria, some days i can't even look at my chest without wanting to rip them right off me - it's always there. denying it or feeling it deeply, i am having a very trans experience of life rn. i only started tangibly transitioning a few months ago this year w starting testo, changing my name and coming out. i've spent so much time denying and suppressing my transness because i was afraid about what other people thought of me. makes sense to me that i have internalised that ignorant, judgemental voice. it served to protect me for a long time, to tell myself "don't bother, you'll be a freak, you're not trans youre traumatised / mentally ill, you're throwing your life away, people will judge you, you will not be safe."

if i take a moment to distract myself, not think about it, relax, then come back to it, contextualise it, and ground these worries back down to reality, i feel more certain in wanting top surgery. i wore a binder for the first time in a while today (i can't bind very often because of neck/shoulder/back pain - a motive in itself for surgery) and was reminded that i really like how my figure looks flat, and that i can't get flat enough from binding. i tried living as a masculine woman for a long time and it felt like part of me was withering away in secret. though i can't really picture what i'll look like in the future (an... androgynous, dykeish, effeminate man? lol), the idea that these boobs will stay on my body until the day i die does feel unreal to me, makes me feel sad and frantic like i've got to get out of my body. once i get top surgery i think i'll be able to experiment with my style more because i won't have to exclusively wear dark colours to hide the shape of my chest. i'll be able to work out with more ease. my back pain and posture will improve. i wont have to be in this constant compromise between wanting to feel masc/good but having to deal with my huge boobies. i'll hope i'll feel more confident in my masculinity. i won't have to wear uncomfortable shit on my chest once i'm healed up. i think it'll take me some time to adjust to my new silhouette and i think i will feel a bit dysmorphic about the shape of my body BUT. i have spent a lot of time looking at other trans men/mascs top surgery results and i don't judge them nearly as hard as i judge myself - it gives me hope that i can become okay with looking trans. i like seeing the effect T has on me (minus the acne and the hair thinning lol), and often i'm attracted to other trans people FOR their transness. ultimately it helps me best to ask myself what i want, and right now I want to learn how to stop comparing myself to cis people and put more attention into celebrating trans bodies in all their delightful wonkiness. i have hope i can get to a neutral point with my body rather than scrutinising myself for not looking cis.

[beautywellnessblog]

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[jubileebloom]

I'm thinking about this again. some other ideas

-At some point, Stanley gets himself into a deal with what remains of the U.S. government: they won't try him for any crimes he has done or will do if he agrees to be their agent alongside his mercenary group, working to fight against any proponents of the Tragedy. he takes this offer, so while still a criminal in every right, he is a) recognized as alive again and b) in good enough legal standing to be the person they contact after Dipper and Mabel are orphaned, and Stan is their only known living family member.

-Mukuro is a double agent who is truly on the side of her sister, but who "joins" Stan's group for a little bit to gather intel. Stan becomes aware of this pretty quickly; poor kid is a great soldier but a terrible conman. He's able to successfully misdirect her through some carefully-crafted half-truths, and develops this weird sort of relationship with her that's both a mentorship and a rivalry.

-Stan takes a three-month hiatus from his job after the twins are orphaned to care for them. Dipper and Mabel are a little older at this point than they were in GF, probably 14 going on 15. Despite everything that's going on in the world, they do manage to successfully bond and help each other recover a little bit from the first wave of the Tragedy. After this, they do manage to find Shermie alive, and Dipper and Mabel live with Shermie so Stan can go back to his work. They keep in touch, even as Stan is eventually shipped off to Japan to track down the founder(s) of the Tragedy head-on.

-Ultra Despair Girls but Stan teams up with Komaru. That's it. That's the bullet point.

-Ford allowed himself to be a guinea pig for a few select Kamukura upgrades, giving him his above average dexterity and shrimp colors. He and Izuru miraculously end up bonding over this, and they often discuss with each other their complicated relationship to being "human." Izuru considers Ford his only companion. They haven't gotten to "friend" yet.

-Ford doesn't find out that Stan is alive until Stan jumps between an attacking Monokuma unit and Ford, making Stan almost die for real. Izuru fixes him up, but initially lies to Ford to document the results of his despair. Ford responds by teaming up with Komaru and Toko and destroying every damn Monokuma unit in the city in record time. Only then does Izuru explained that he lied and why (ethics of working with human subjects be damned.) Their reunion is awkward, but Ford and Stan do manage to reconcile over this and talk things through. About this time, Junko is defeated in her killing game and the survivors are able to escape.

-The events of SDR2 go on pretty unaffected at first, but instead of Junko cloning herself, she sends in an experimental program she developed alongside Ford, that they named "Bill Cipher." (Ford had also previously been a guinea pig for allowing an artificial intelligence to be uploaded into and allowed to pilot his body. Never. Again. The only way he managed to survive getting Bill out was because Junko wanted to experiment on herself. She relishes in the despair of losing autonomy over her body and mind. Ford gets the surgeons to operate on him after the Kamukura project to get a protective device installed in his head.)

-Unfortunately, Shermie is killed by Junko's allies after her death, and Dipper and Mabel are kidnapped and held ransom in yet another killing game (V3) while Stan and Ford have to work together to rescue them from the outside. They're probably 16 when this happens, so only a little younger than the rest of the cast. Mabel teams up with Kaede (who doesn't die in this iteration), and Dipper teams up with Shuichi, and together the four of them make a pretty good mystery-investigating quartet. I'm not sure how V3 would pan out differently, but I think they would solve the mysteries faster and end up with more survivors, given the extra help in investigating.

-After the killing game is over, Dipper and Mabel go to live on Jabberwock Island with the former Remnants, and Stan and Ford also stay there for a couple months before being tasked by the Future Foundation to be part of their naval supply chain providers. Stan and Ford get to have their Stan-O'-War II; it's not the adventure that they wanted, but they do get into some fun scrapes along the way.

I don't have the time to fully write this crossover AU idea so I'm dumping it here instead:

Having skipped a few grades, Ford presents his project to WCT scouts during his "freshman" year of high school. It's still broken and WCT rejects him, but before Filbrick has a chance to kick out Stan in retaliation, the family gets a visit from other talent scouts. They want Ford to move across the world to spend his remaining high school years with them, at Hope's Peak Academy.

Ford accepts their offer, and leaves Stan on bad but not fully severed terms. They exchange letters maybe twice that following year, but lose contact. Filbrick reluctantly allows Stan to stay, but treats him even worse than before.

Ford thrives at Hope's Peak (not sure what his title would be... Ultimate Engineer? Investigator?) and continues to work with their alumni after graduation. He's still interested in anomalies, but here he's focuses more of his research on the talent anomalies that come to Hope's Peak. Eventually, he's recruited for the Kamukura Project.

Meanwhile, Stan struggles to cope with school and his home life, eventually dropping out and running away on his own terms. He gets mixed up with a semi-successful crime gang and is able to secure a relatively stable group of people to work with, but is still constantly on the run from the law, and has to fake his death later down the line after too many incidents happened. Stan and Ford were kept vaguely aware of each other's existence up until this point; Ford was a highly influential scientist, and he occasionally checked on crime reports from home to see if any of them seemed suspiciously Stan-ish. He stops checking after Stan's "death," though, buying the bait. Although they don't really have a relationship, he still shows subtle signs of mourning after this and becomes more reclusive.

And then Hajime signs up for the Project, and Junko and Mukuro come to Hope's Peak. Junko talks to Ford, and he finds himself drawn to the twins, for obvious reasons, although he doesn't tell either of them about his own twin. (Junko figures it out, though.)

Somewhere in all of this, Ford accidentally helps Junko start and fuel The Tragedy, and Mukuro and Stan happen to meet each other on a collaborative overseas mission (with Stan's criminal gang having at some point evolved into a rogue mercenary group similar to Mukuro's Fenrir) and start working together. Stan is also drawn to her after she mentions her twin.

I'm not really sure where it would go from here, but I imagine Ford start trying to clandestinely undo some of the damage he's done, and Stan and Mukuro end up going back to Hope's Peak at some point, and Ford and Stan eventually have to find each other and confront each other's actions.