#but I will write for cause hours at work have been shortened for me (fine cause I don’t have bills to pay)

[emily-mooon]

Ahhhhh yes a title card. For that one au I said I would write, then didn’t, said I would write for again, then didn’t, then written part of chapter one for and then didn’t finish it on my three days off.

[jodilin65]

SATURDAY, MARCH 31, 2018 I slept better than I expected to yet I don’t have the energy or motivation to work out. I’ve done the laundry and soon I will clean the kitchen.

Looking forward to Camp Nano starting at midnight tomorrow night. I’ve been wanting to write but didn’t want to start a story and have two stories going at once. Nor did I want to start my Nano story too soon and be a cheater.

I forgot all my dreams. I hate that. I got up to pee at one point and remembered a dream or two in detail but forgot it once I got up for good.

He and I were talking about how my days have gotten shorter. Where my schedule used to jump about 2 hours a day 20 years ago, now it’s a little over an hour. How awesome it would be if it could shorten enough to hold a schedule! But with my shit luck, if this happens, it won’t be until I’m old and dying. :( It would just make it so much easier to do things in general.

A part of me hesitates to move too close to Tammy, knowing I would have to disappoint her at times by saying “no” to something she may want to do due to either my schedule or other commitments, not that she wouldn’t understand, especially as one with a medical background.

Circadian rhythm disorder wasn’t discovered and documented until 1999 when it was accidentally discovered in blind people. This made them realize that light doesn’t have as much to do with sleep cycles as originally thought. It was at its worst in my 30s. I think it peaks for most people who have it. You’re pretty much born with it as I always had sleep issues all my life, struggling to get to sleep at night and struggling to get up for school in the morning. But it does worsen before it gets better.

The only thing that would suck about my days shortening is that where it used to take me a week to flip my schedule, now it takes closer to two weeks, and well, I would hate to be stuck on nights for a month or so when there were things I needed or wanted to do in the daytime. But seriously, the only thing I would miss about nights is that they’re quieter! Not too much tonight in the way of car stereos or planes. Just the gentle whooshing sound of the freeway but I don’t mind that.

Anyway, the older we get, the more doctors’ appointments we tend to have so it would be nice if I didn’t have to struggle to get to them as I sometimes do now. I just dread the day they drop spouses from insurance. I hope that if they do it isn’t before Tom retires! It’s just that America has become so obsessed with separatism versus teamwork. Everybody wants everybody to take care of their own needs as independently as possible. That’s fine if that’s what you want and you’re able to do so, but this isn’t always so easy for some of us.

FRIDAY, MARCH 30, 2018 Poor Aly. She was not only put back on prednisone and given an iron shot, but she’s going to be 37 next month, right around the age that things really start going to hell. She’s up to 134 and 34 pounds and she is struggling hopelessly to change and undo the effects of aging. Acceptance will come as she gets a little older. Meanwhile, she should enjoy the 130s because someday she’s going to look back and wish he could be 134. Hell, I’d settle for being 144! But unless there’s a major medical breakthrough, I get seriously ill, or I become inhuman enough to suffer the effects of going thyrotoxic, which would mean taking my medication every day, even when I’m flaring, it’s not going to happen. I woke up at 156.4, though I am retaining water now as my body tries to decide whether or not to kick off a period.

I once tried to fight it thinking all I had to do was eat right and exercise but that’s like saying that as long as I’m a good person nothing bad will ever happen to me. Diet and exercise may work for those under 30-35, but the reality is that it takes very few calories to maintain the same weight when we get older that once would’ve caused us to lose like crazy.

Even Tom has struggled with his weight. He was 35 when we met and 205 lb. Now he’s almost 61 and 260 lb, maybe a little more. He too, has had no luck with diets. Where my problem is hunger, his is cravings. I have to go down to about 1000 calories or less to lose weight and that’s like starving. If I could do that then I could stand to have nothing at all.

What I think is important to keep in mind is that it’s how we feel and not how we look that matters most. Sometimes we just don’t have as much control over things as we’d like, like our height and eye color and all that. But there’s no reason we can’t keep active and at least keep our joints strong and our bodies healthy.

So sick am I of having to worry about my weight climbing that I am seriously thinking of “maxing” out. This is where I eat “normally” and allow my body to settle into whatever my “forever” weight is going to be. It takes a certain amount of calories for each of us to maintain a certain body weight. Although I try to choke back the calories most days, my comfort zone is about 1600-2000. If I ate that I wouldn’t feel much deprivation if any at all. But if I let myself have that every day, I would gain weight. I don’t know what my max weight for that calorie amount would be, but the reason I’m considering it is that A, I know it’s inevitable that I end up there someday anyway, and B, I figure if I just get it over with and discover my forever size and weight then I’ll no longer have to stress about it every single fucking day and wonder when I’m going to hit the 160s which I’ll probably do this year no matter how hard I try not to.

It’s a daily struggle. Literally. Every day is like trying to hold back the tides and I hate being hungry. Yet there is a lot of hunger that goes with trying to cut hundreds of calories from my daily intake. In my 20s and even most of my 30s, I wasn’t nearly as hungry as I became once I got to be around 40. This way, if I max out, I won’t have to worry about gaining what I suspect will be 20-30 more pounds because I will have already done it. I don’t think I would go over 200 if I kept exercising but ate “naturally.”

THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2018 Space rent has gone from $795 to $865 in the 5 years we’ve lived here. And that’s cheap considering that the average 2-bedroom apartment here goes for $1400.

Since 3 teaspoons equal a tablespoon I decided to put a teaspoon of the apple cider vinegar in three of the 16.9 oz. water bottles I drink, but then Aly said that she put a tablespoon in a 20 oz. bottle of strawberry sparkly water and it was okay. I like this idea so I think I might try it.

Went out walking earlier and even at 9 p.m., the traffic around the front gate was like OMG. It got up to 82 degrees today and we ran the AC for a little while. I waited till it had just slipped under 70 degrees to go out. Hopefully, we won’t need the heat anymore for a while! Anyway, I loved the various cooking smells as well as the smell of Jasmine as I walked around.

I wish we didn’t have such old shitty windows so we could open them at night or anytime we want to without bugs getting in. I just couldn’t sleep with them open because the noise would be horrendous. I might as well go sleep in the middle of the road in that case! I’m tired of living in all places but that’s what I’ve lived in for most of my life. Really hope the next place, wherever it is, is more modern as well as quieter, but I highly doubt I’m going to get the last one. Not too many places these days are quiet. It’s after 11 p.m. and I can hear all kinds of things on the freeway and in the sky. Yet that’s mild compared to when the traffic is heavy in the park, as well as the near-daily landscaping and projects.

I don’t expect to have the energy to work out tomorrow night because I’m on nights right now and I’m sure the trash and recycle pickups are going to wake me up regularly along with whatever other thunderously loud vehicles go through here. I managed to sleep okay today but there was definitely a ton of loud traffic. Tomorrow I will probably just do laundry and maybe clean the kitchen.

This weekend we’re going to have a little meeting and decide when to move. We may not know the exact year but we should have a better idea. Do we do stupid and risky and go sooner? Or do we play it safe and smart and wait another five years or so? We’ll have to lay out all the pros and cons and make a decision. Damn, it’s a tough one, though!

No planes flying overhead now. Right now all I hear is the freeway, but hey, it is nighttime and I’m only about five or six hundred feet away from it. The only thing that sucks about warmer weather at night is that you hear the fucking car stereos blasting down it beginning at around 6 p.m. till around 2 a.m. It’s just fucking ridiculous the way we let so much shit go on in the world that shouldn’t and we don’t let things be that should be left alone. I still can’t believe how often I hear things in the daytime here. Landscaping was only done once a week or less and all the other places I ever lived, and I didn’t hear a fraction of the projects I hear going on here.

For dreams, I remember something about moving from someplace that didn’t look anything like this. I was doing a final walk-through of it and was in a room with a pullstring to a light in the center of it.

The next dream was really weird. I guess he and I were doing something illegal online and he kept telling me, “Shield me.” That meant I had to hold some strange object close to him so he wouldn’t get caught doing whatever he was doing, LOL. Then I was trying to hide some files or destroy them.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 28, 2018 Just when I had been sleeping well enough not to remember my dreams, the shitty sleep has returned right along with the nightmares. I actually had one good dream, though, of winning 30k.

Not only did I wake up twice to pee and twice from loud traffic, and then finally get up to the sound of obnoxious sawing as we can’t go one fucking week without a project here (they’re doing something at the house on the other side of Bob and Virginia), my dreams were less than pleasant.

I had just said to him the night before that I missed the “dream people” and hoped they would return as long as they could be nice. Well, they weren’t. In one dream we were at some store buying who knows what. There were three young women behind the service counter when one of them said that it would “push on our ears and make us smile.” :-) Well, Tom wasn’t happy to hear this, naturally, and demanded a refund of $40 for whatever the hell the product was. The girl became angry and said something about leaving her alone for a while and she stormed off. I demanded the other girl closest to us give us our money back. When she refused, I grabbed her by the hair and demanded the money, shaking her viciously. Then I looked at the third girl, and not wanting her to call for the bacon, I let the second girl go and tried to hustle Tom to the car who was walking in slow motion.

The worst dream was being in jail for who knows what when they decided to tell me that they were going to use me as a guinea pig in a weight-loss experiment that required a variety of experimental drugs. I told them that I not only had a medication phobia but refused to let anybody use my body as they pleased without my consent.

My punishment for not “cooperating” was starvation. They wouldn’t feed me unless I agreed to participate. Each day they brought me a tray of food and each day I refused it, determined not to let my body be turned into an experimental specimen. I became so weak that the last thing I remember in the dream was one of the guards throwing a bagged lunch at me. I guess they decided I should eat no matter what but it was too late. I was too weak to sit up and feed myself at that point even if I wanted to. The dream ended before they could either save me or let me starve to death. I think I know which one they chose. Like I said, definitely not happy in Dreamland.

The only other dreams I remember were being in some building with an indoor swimming pool, telling some guy to fuck off, and writing a French address on some envelope for Christiane. It seemed to be something I did periodically for her and for some reason, I came to enjoy it. Like I was oh so honored to do her this favor, LOL. She read the address back to me and I was impressed with her perfect French pronunciation. Then I lost the address and became frustrated because I knew this meant I would no longer be able to write it out for her as apparently, neither of us had it memorized.

TUESDAY, MARCH 27, 2018 Looked up the time the sun was to set earlier so I didn’t have any direct sunlight in my eyes. I went out walking for about a half-hour when it set at 7:24, sure to mix in some running along the way.

Not much else going on. For however long it may last, I’ve been feeling good and sleeping well. With CampNano just a few days away, I guess I better start thinking of more ideas. I have the basic plot in mind for the story I want to do but it’s very basic. I haven’t really thought of much detail. I’ve been busy so I haven’t really gotten around to it just yet.

Tom’s shoulder still hurts on and off and it pulls out of the socket at times. Hopefully, he won’t need surgery on it! The sling still helps but it comes and goes. He said it was fine the first 8 hours of his day.

MONDAY, MARCH 26, 2018 The lady with the artificial foot from Oregon is now moving into the house across from Jon & Carolyn. Glad they have quiet vehicles, though I’m not sure how many people/vehicles live there. There’s a red SUV with Oregon plates and there’s a white SUV with California plates. Earlier there was a Budget rental truck. Same company and size we moved down with back in the summer of 2007.

Went out walking but this time the app didn’t do the greatest job of tracking my route. Tom and I were talking about how cool it would be if people were microchipped. I think it would be way cool if I could see not only the location I was in but the room in that location I was in as well. Our guess is that people will be microchipped someday, be it mandatory or not. Right now people are too paranoid. I guess there are that many people up to no good. But if you’re like us with nothing to hide, then you don’t care who knows where you are. :-)

Although I know I’ve been dreaming, my dreams have been too vague to remember them enough to write about them.

Feeling bad for Aly. I’m worried about both her and my sister. Aly’s white blood cell count is way up and her platelets are low. Her doctor told her not to panic and that some kind of treatment plan could be worked out. Let’s hope so! I would hate for her to be sick no matter what but it would be especially shitty if she wasn’t well enough to visit. She gets low on iron or something like that and it leaves her feeling tired, weak and dizzy.

The older I get, the more I realize just how much aging sucks. Other than the wisdom you acquire, it all sucks shit big-time. 20 years ago I mostly had just the allergies and asthma to deal with. Now I also have a dead thyroid, rashes, shitty vision, thinning hair, gray hair, dry skin, TMJ, a deformed ear that is getting uglier by the minute, a hopelessly fat body, crowns and bridges, a dead libido, and joints that have lost a lot of flexibility. It chills me to think what life may be like in 20 more years!

Things aren’t new and exciting like they once were and you tend to have a bleaker outlook on life when you get older as well. Maybe that’s because we’re smarter and so we’re more realistic. When we’re younger, we don’t quite see the world for what it really is and therefore we see all kinds of endless possibilities. We tend to live in the moment and not worry so much about the future, and when we do worry about the future, it isn’t usually in the way we worry about the future when we’re older.

SUNDAY, MARCH 25, 2018 Ended up having a good day today. I was really worried when I took my meds but everything’s fine. There’s still nothing to say that the Monday/Wednesday/Friday skips will be the answer, but I have to keep doing whatever it takes to figure out exactly how much my body can tolerate. It’s always better to take some medication than none.

We went to Rite Aid earlier and I got a really cool athletic top. It’s bright pink and purple with long sleeves that have thumb loops. It’s great for chilly weather.

Went out by myself earlier and it was cool to see Life360 trace my route, time and distance. I went a mile in 27 minutes. Tom watched my progress but just like when he drives home, it doesn’t track very steadily. We’ll appear to be in the same spot for a few minutes and then it will suddenly dart ahead. So it jumps along in spurts rather than consistently.

I decided to leave the second reply to what I’m almost positive is Maliheh’s negative comment spiting me for teasing her about using her name in my story. I called her out by first name and the fact that there were no sales or loans around the time she left the review and that she ought to email me. :) She won’t though, of course. The gutless little coward wouldn’t dare contact me. I know she’s hoping to build a case against me by not contacting me just like the black bitch did. I guess she figures they wouldn’t check her IP to see if she went to any site I was associated with.

I noticed when I checked the reports the other day that the order in which the books were listed had changed. The same thing happened right before Maliheh left her “review” only there are no new reviews. No sales either. It’s been pretty slow and discouraging lately.

Now that I know lichen planus can get you anywhere, including the mouth, I’m paranoid whenever I get a weird feeling in my mouth and that I’m going to get it on other parts of my body. I read around and some guy said that after using turmeric powder and pills for a couple of months his cleared up and he hasn’t had any problems in years.

I’m going to try this stuff for lichen planus the next time we do an order on Amazon but I doubt it will be much help. I’m just afraid to use the steroid much for fear of burning. I would rather itch than burn because it’s easier to do something about that. Today I took a baby Benadryl and I ended up going down for a nap. I love naps. Just not how they sometimes leave me groggy.

I wish I knew what was making my phone lose its mind. Sometimes it will just start retyping stuff I’ve already written. I guess it sent some weird text to Aly, LOL.

Doesn’t look like the new people have moved in yet after all but one of them may have an artificial foot from what Tom said he saw. What we think was the flipper was there hammering today. I could hear the fucking thing all the way down the street as I was returning from my walk. When Tom was out weed whacking he saw the artificial foot lady and some other woman by a red SUV with Oregon plates.

As we were coming in from Rite Aid I saw a woman walking a Chihuahua up the driveway on the other side of Bob and Virginia. Still not sure if it’s that one, Ray’s mutt, or someone else’s that has the obnoxious bark.

We blew 60 bucks at Rite Aid on fun stuff we don’t need. I got a floral t-shirt dress on a black background, the athletic shirt I mentioned, junk food, and a wind chime with a rainbow-colored flower spinner. First time I ever saw a chime/spinner combo.

Since there’s a form in which I can anonymously send a message to Carol, Kim’s sister, via her dojo site, I started to ask if she wanted me to be an anonymous and concerned person but we agreed to hold off for now because we don’t want to get her in any more trouble. Bad idea and I’m sorry I offered because truthfully, I don’t want to get involved. I’m sorry for her but there’s nothing I can do anyway.

SATURDAY, MARCH 24, 2018 Doing more on my phone lately by setting up things like my Pi music player for running and even downloaded these really cool live wallpapers that look like raindrops are running down the screen, and others that have flying butterflies, running streams and fish swimming in ponds.

I began using Google Docs because that way I can access the same doc from any device. It would be nice to have the option of relaxing on the couch or in bed as I speak out either journal entries or stories rather than always sitting at my desk. Nothing can replace the ease of the laptop, though. It’s much easier to edit on the laptop, and of course, graphics look better with a bigger screen.

One of the cool things about Google Docs is that it has an add-on that puts a rainbow effect in the text making it gradually change colors as you can see here. It looks really cool. I can’t use it on all of my blogs but I can use it on Blogger as well as in Word. Then again, it’s a pain to get into Word.

The medication experiment is going well so far. I felt fine on the two days I skipped. I took it today and started to worry at first when my HR spiked to 108. But then I did have a candy bar so that may have been why. I thought I was going to be in for a bad day but after feeling wound up for just a short time, I was okay. Tomorrow is the big test.

Decided it would be okay to use a little bit of the weaker steroid gel down there just to take the edge off the rash which began picking up again about a week ago, as I figured it eventually would. Rather than use it for months, I’ll just use it for a week or two. That won’t be nearly enough to cause me to have burning and inflammation.

Bad news from Tammy. :-( When she was in the hospital with pneumonia in January they discovered some enlarged lymph nodes in her chest and she’ll have to have a biopsy next month. She was referred to a surgeon for that and will have to spend the night in the hospital in case of bleeding. As if she hasn’t already had enough, she’s still recovering from having the nerves in her neck burned due to the fibromyalgia. She said she had horrible pain and I can just imagine! It hurts just thinking about it that I honestly can’t imagine actually having to have done. She is beyond medically cursed. I would have killed myself dozens of procedures ago.

She let me know that I’m in her thoughts and that we’ll talk sometime because it’s easier for her that way. At first, I wondered why it took her so long to give me an update but I can see where one isn’t in the mood to be very sociable when they don’t feel well.

While I certainly hope that the lymph nodes aren’t cancerous, I know they’ve gotten really good at killing most cancers, so I am at least hopeful that she’ll have options if worse comes to worst.

The only thing that bothers me is that bad feeling I’ve had for a few years now about when she’s 62. Well, she’s going to be 61 in August. Despite my accuracy rate, I’m optimistic that it doesn’t mean anything because I’ve been wrong a couple of times before with similar dreams/feelings. It’s just that I did see the weight loss in my dreams, but who knows? Maybe she’s put it back on or at least some of it. Older people don’t usually keep weight off very easily, after all.

The shitty thing about having nerves burned is that it doesn’t always relieve the pain, and when it does it’s temporary since they do grow back.

THURSDAY, MARCH 22, 2018 I’m way behind in my writing so now I’m going to try to catch up and hope I don’t forget anything. Yesterday was both shitty and good. It was good in that my appointments went well, but it was shitty in that I was very anxious. As much as I hoped and wished otherwise, as no one wants to be intolerant to medication their body needs, especially when there aren’t any other real options, the experiments I’ve been doing really do point to it as being the main culprit. It’s very frustrating and even depressing. I have no idea what I’m going to do about the problem or even what I can do about it. I just don’t have many options. I either take the medication once in a while or stop it altogether unless I can be switched to something else. I’m just not sure what else I could be switched to other than Armour, which may actually increase the anxiety.

I just feel so helpless and hopeless that my thoughts have been turning pretty dark and I’m once again wondering if life is even worth it. I wish I had the positive optimism that Tom has and could believe that this will one day end. After all, I’ve had other long-term problems and they worked themselves out eventually. But this is very different than any other problem I’ve had before, and after what’s been nearly 4 years, I’m losing hope. Maybe I’m just meant to be hypo just like I was meant to be short. It’s too bad I can’t stand that god-awful anxious feeling in my chest, though, because the anxiety diet is the best damn diet ever. But I just don’t want to live to suffer either.

Today I woke up depressed and tired, and I prayed to a God that probably doesn’t exist to take my life if it’s not going to let me get better. I’ve done everything I can think of to try to help myself and I’m running out of ideas. I just feel like any possible solution isn’t going to be a good one in this case. My other problems were a lot more straightforward. This is a very complex issue, however.

The weather matches my mood but at least it’s quiet.

Still torn between moving and staying but I’m afraid to go with him still working and this anxiety issue unresolved, assuming there’s even a way to resolve it. Each year that I have it, the more doubtful I become.

I’m quite calm so far today, which again points to the medication since I skipped today, but very tired and glum. Not only does rainy weather tend to make me feel this way but I almost feel like I have a slight cold. I had a sore throat last night. I’ve had some lung tightness too, but I think that’s more of a weather thing than a medication thing.

It just seems way too extreme for perimenopause or even flares, though I don’t doubt that these things may affect the medication to a small degree. I seriously have doubts that I’ll ever be able to take the medication consistently without issues. Therefore, I’m not left with much choice other than to deprive myself of the medication if nothing else can be done.

I’ve been taking it every other day and yesterday I took it for the second day in a row. I was surprisingly anxious even with all I had going on to distract me and Tom’s presence. It really sucks to have this going on in what is otherwise a good life that I could be enjoying even more than I do. This anxiety has been keeping me from enjoying life to the fullest and I’m getting sick of it. If this is how I have to live for the rest of my life then I don’t know that I want to go on living. I really think this is the one problem that’s not going to get better.

I got up at 6 a.m. yesterday and we left shortly after 11. I waved to Mrs. Twenties on the way out. We then headed for Folsom and of course we got lost because I fucked up the navigation on his phone. So he pulled over by the prison, got it working again, drove under the Johnny Cash Trail, and made it to the dermatologist on time despite the wet rainy roads.

The office was nice and I loved the decor. Lots of beautiful nature pics on the walls. The PA I saw was friendly, prompt, professional and informative. She didn’t really tell me anything I didn’t already know but recommended Zyrtec when the irritation is bad. As I suspected, lichen planus never goes away on its own. I try to tell myself with the anxiety that nothing lasts forever but then again some things really do change and never do go back to the way they were. This type of rash is one of those cases. She said that it was okay to use hydrocortisone and keep up with the Aquaphor as needed. She said to let them know if I ever have any open wounds that bleed for no reason or that won’t heal because that can be a sign of skin cancer. I guess the Zyrtec is supposed to keep you from getting as drowsy as Benadryl can make you.

So we had an hour and a half to kill after the dermatologist and I then realized I’d totally forgotten to put my designer nails on. The black matte nails with the silver accents. Not only are my nails gross unpolished cuz I have ridges, but Kathleen always checks my nails for the latest design and we kind of have a little game going. So I ran into Target and grabbed a bottle of pink Insta-Dri polish that’s supposed to dry in 60 seconds. I’d say it’s more like 360 seconds but it’s still good stuff. I only needed one coat. Even so, if I didn’t have to spend so much time feeling anxious and worrying about how to deal with anxiety, maybe I wouldn’t be as forgetful.

We got a bite to eat at Sonic where you sit in the car and eat. So no blasting music or screaming kids. Just a couple of loud car stereos but fortunately that was on the road when we were stopped at a light. I did my nails in the car and by the time we finished, it was time to zoom over to the dentist.

Kathleen was so funny. There wasn’t anyone in the waiting room at the time but she was eagerly leaning over the counter with a wide grin on her face as she saw me approach and said something like, “There’s my favorite patient.”

I zoomed up to the counter and she immediately took my hands, complimented my nails and said my hands were so soft, LOL. Then she asked how I was doing and how my writing was going. I told her it was slow because I hadn’t been feeling well. She talks very softly and there was background noise so I can’t quote her on every word she said but she mentioned something about a women’s convention (or was it a seminar?) and she’s “taking me with her.” She said something about it being where they get together and all that and asked if I wanted to come. I have a feeling it’s probably religious or spiritual-based but I’ll try almost anything at least once.

I kind of saw her in a different light now that I know her real age, and yeah, I can kind of see that she’s older. She still looks remarkable for her age and I can see where it’s easy to think she’s around my age if you don’t know any better.

So Michaela and some young girl that she’s training took me to the back of the place where they did an x-ray they did four years ago. That’s where you bite onto a plate, smile, and a camera kind of goes around your head.

I then expected Holly to clean my teeth but she’s on vacation in New Zealand. Michaela told me she just got back from Thailand. A woman named Dora whom I’d never seen before did my teeth and she cleaned them a little differently, using an electric scaler that almost seemed like a mini drill. She had the suction hose in one hand and the scaler in the other.

Realizing that once again my memory had gone to hell, I ran into the waiting room to get my mouthguard from my purse when Dora was done. I commented to Kathleen about my memory going to hell as I was passing through and she said something like, “You’re great, Jodi.”

Yeah, really great.

Then the doctor did the final exam and said everything looked good and she adjusted the mouthguard to fit better over the new crown. She said she could just cut it off if I wanted but I think she adjusted it well enough.

She liked my rat leggings as did the rest of the staff, LOL.

Didn’t get to say goodbye to Kathleen on the way out because she’d left for lunch. I told Michaela to tell her I said goodbye. Now it will be interesting to see if she contacts me before my September 19th appointment and how she handles the news of my schedule issues and driving phobia, though I think she already knows I don’t drive.

We noticed two modern SUVs at the place that just sold and that the sign was down, too. If those were the new owners then I’m relieved that they have quiet vehicles.

In case I haven’t already said so, our azaleas are starting to flower in front and I noticed a few days ago that the trees are budding their leaves as well.

More to write about, including dreams, but I’ll do it in another entry. I’m just way too tired today.

Later…

Tom’s home and in bed now and I’m definitely feeling better than I did at the start of my day. If I didn’t know any better I would swear I was bipolar, LOL. I woke up to rain and tears, but now it’s sunshine and peace. Well, it is getting dark now.

I got to “spy” on him earlier. I told him yesterday that it would be nice to activate the GPS on our phones so we could always know where each other was in case anything were to ever happen. So we installed Life360 which is an app that will keep track of everywhere you go unless you go somewhere without the phone, of course. That way, if he were ever on his way home and appeared to be in the same spot for too long, this would tell me something was up. The absolute worst-case scenario would be the thing telling me he was in the hospital if he got into an accident but at least I would know.

I don’t take my phone with me when I go running. I take my old phone to play music on but maybe I’ll start taking this one. It would be good to have a phone I could call out on in the event of an emergency, and that way if he wanted to know how close or far I was from home, for example, when he wanted to go to bed or something, he could see if it was worth waiting up for me. It would also be cool to track anywhere I may go with Kathleen.

The dentist and I agreed that if I ever have a problem again, we would just fill it or pull it. Even though we could afford to pay for the crowns ourselves, it’s a bit rough for me to go through anyway. I just wonder what the damn insurance companies are going to drop next! I worry about them dropping spousal coverage with the way America is so independence-obsessed. They want everyone to do everything on their own and so I worry they’re going to be like, if your spouse wants to be insured then they need to get their own job.

I watched him make his way home and at first, I was confused because it looked like he was circling around the same area. I was like, what the hell is he doing? Well, as he’s told me before, he has to walk across a huge parking lot to get to his car. He works in Rocklin and I could see him pass by Kathleen in Roseville and then finally Citrus Heights/Sac.

As I was looking with dismay (not that I haven’t known this for nearly 5 years) at just how close we are to the Eisenhower freeway, the answer to my question as to why I hear so many damn planes was clear when I spotted the Sacramento McClellan airport nearby.

My lungs were tight most of the day but since I do have an inhaler and that’s one of the very few things I can use without side effects, I took a puff and it helped relax my lungs. Love how it has a counter. I’ve only taken one puff so I have 204 left. Would have been nice if they had counters when I was on them regularly in the ‘90s.

Tom’s shoulder is still bothering him so he ordered a sling from Amazon and I got a couple more boxes of Amberen.

The new mugs are nice and I love the new kettle. It not only looks nicer in person but instead of a whistle, it makes a 2-toned horn sound that’s kind of cool. It’s different. You would think someone was leaning on their car horn.

Aly’s not doing well either. While she was told that she may have some bleeding she’s got a kick-ass period going now and is afraid the Novasure didn’t work. Therefore, her hematologist ordered her for a blood test tomorrow. Her lab numbers were better than she thought, though, so that much is good. But she still has skin issues and dizzy spells.

Plus, Kim has been texting and messaging her a million times with the same old shit and I guess Kim got mad at her because she’s not around as much. That’s because she’s been blowing her off as Aly feels she’s not only selfish but she’s frustrated with dealing with someone who can’t remember shit, isn’t as innocent as she lets on, and doesn’t seem to want to do much to help herself. I haven’t heard as much from Kim myself and I’m okay with that for those very reasons. I feel bad for her family situation and I know that she has limitations as well as physical and mental disabilities beyond her control, but some things she could control more if she wanted to. The damn memory issues get annoying. I had enough of that with Andy. Bottom line… I always did warm Aly that Kim never has been and never will be a true friend. She has little to no empathy, intelligence or understanding. She lives in her own fuzzy little bubble of delusion and believes she can do no wrong even though she offhandedly has admitted to lying. She’s very contradicting and hypocritical as well.

Got to admit it’s kind of funny how I would follow their tweets when neither one was in touch with me and I would wonder why Aly would choose Kim over me. Yet now, instead of her bitching to Kim about me, it’s her bitching to me about Kim. Funny how life turns out at times.

Okay, I may still not have remembered everything I wanted to write about, but now I’ll get to the last two nights of dreams and call myself caught up enough.

I was living in a house that seemed to have bedrooms on both ends of the house. I walked out of the living room which was in the center of the house and down a short hallway to a bedroom at the end of it. I noticed a shoe in the hallway and that the closet door in the bedroom was open. This told me that a burglar was present and I doubled back through the living room and into another bedroom to look for shoes to run outside in. But none of the shoes that were in a small pile on the floor seemed to fit. Then Tom entered from a door leading to a basement. The dream ended as I stepped back into the living room and saw him. I swear someone else was standing at the end of the hallway, too. Sure hope this wasn’t a glimpse into a parallel life!

The worst dream that woke me up was the giant spider that didn’t look like a spider. Its body was elongated and it was covered in this grayish-white fir. I was outdoors on the ground playing with a cat when I glanced over and saw the thing nearby. I thought that I better spray the bastard because that was the second time I’d seen it. Then it crawled right over to me and the cat. Instead of jumping up and running, I was literally frozen in fear and that’s when I woke up.

Then Tom and I were invited to Bob and Virginia’s for dinner in the last dream I remember having the night before the dentist. I went to say something and it started to come out a little too loud at the same instant I accidentally bumped the edge of my plate which caused one side of it to bounce an inch or two on the table. This left me a bit embarrassed, haha.

In last night’s dream, I was hanging out by myself in some old trailer. The trailer was parked near water and when I looked outside one of the windows I could see the moonlight reflecting on the water.

Then I was looking out the window of this place at someone’s mutt barking at 1:30 in the morning. That better not ever fucking happen!

Lastly, I was in the backseat of a car that some guy was driving. Next to him was a large woman who was in her 30s or 40s. She had blonde hair pulled up in a bun. The guy was driving her to work and I was to accompany her that day and I guess help her out or something. He parked by a river or stream and he jokingly made like he was going to zoom right into it before he hit the brakes and brought the car to a stop. I asked if the water was cold and he said, “Hell, yeah.”

TUESDAY, MARCH 20, 2018 Being that I love to learn things, I browse educational videos at times on YouTube, and one of the most interesting videos I watched recently was one on how to spot liars by their body language, the way they say things, etc. I’ve known of several of these tactics for a while now but it was cool to learn even more. We all lie so I don’t mind white lies every now and then as long as they aren’t too often. But yeah, when someone asks me how I’m doing, I will sometimes say “fine” even if I may be feeling anxious or pissed off about something. So everybody lies to a degree. Once a person gets to the gray lies, however, I seriously start re-evaluating my friendship with them. Let’s just say that they better have a good excuse for going gray on me! Once they go black on me, though, forget it. I’m gone.

Doing loud projects during the daytime is annoying. Doing them into the evening is rude. Yes, sometimes I get sick of certain things, including chasing after those who obviously don’t want to keep in touch. I’ve waited on Tammy long enough and now I’m wondering how long it will take her to admit she doesn’t want me in her life.

10 minutes Bowflexing, 15 minutes walking outdoors, 20 minutes treadmilling. Why can’t I always be this consistent? Well, I was yesterday but today I’m deliberately taking a break. I was up 18 hours and unable to fall asleep until after 10 PM. Then I didn’t quite sleep 8 hours so I’m a little tired today. Exercise gives you energy and I would prefer to keep at least somewhat non-energetic so that I can sleep better tonight, get caught up, and feel rested for my two appointments tomorrow.

It’s supposed to rain for the rest of the week so the guys working on Geri’s place until nearly 7 PM should be giving me a break from the hammering and sawing for a while.

I talked to the “Twenties” yesterday while they were quietly working out front. I joked about having the rats dig up and loosen their soil for them. They don’t know who bought the house across from them, they liked my sparkly shoes, and they’re having weekend company from Delmar for a wedding. I’m sure I’ll hear every single car door slam, too. I just hope the hell they’re not staying in an RV on the street!

I now have 170 followers on Pinterest and another royalty payment coming. :-)

I still get random PMS symptoms but no periods or spotting, so maybe the dream I had a while back did mean something. But sometimes I’ll get really bitchy for no reason or start retaining enough water to fill the Sacramento River until my bladder throws a piss party like it did last night…at the very end of my day of course.

I took the baby Benadryl when I was anxious over the weekend and it didn’t seem to calm me down or make me drowsy. Took one last night when Sleepytime tea wouldn’t even knock me out and then I did fall asleep. I don’t know if I would have fallen asleep anyway or the Benadryl knocked me out because I was tired.

I took my meds today and was worried that I wouldn’t be anxious, but 3.5 hours later I’m still calm. If I can get to around noon, I’m golden. :-) 75 mcg a day comes to 525 a week. 50 mcg is 350 a week. Skipping every other day, which is about 37 mcg a week, is 260 a week. My new medication plan is to skip every Monday and Thursday, which will be 375 a week. I’m hoping to hell this will FINALLY stop the anxiety from biting in the first place when I go flaring.

Aly said her hematologist dropped her and wouldn’t return her calls and she doesn’t know why, so she had to get a new one. I wonder if A will drop me in June but a part of me hopes she will because then I have an excuse to get someone that not only may be more helpful and willing to work with me instead of against me, but that’s closer as well.

My hairline is noticeably thinner no doubt due to age and my thyroid, but when I read that Rogaine can cause chest pain, swelling, and a rapid heartbeat, I decided I’d rather go bald. I don’t have any bald spots but the hair is very thin. It seems to have thinned more after dying it so that probably has a role in it as well.

Last night I dreamed that Bob, who pulled an old charger from a shelf in his kitchen that had old albums on it, handed it to me and said not to be surprised if it didn’t work. Then it was as if I was inside his place in the living room where I could hear him snoring from his bedroom. I wondered where Virginia was and then I realized she was probably in bed with him.

Then I dreamed that Tom and I were getting into a car on a steep grassy mountain. Some car whose parking breaks failed started to roll erratically down the hill. I was urging Tom to hurry up and beat it down the hill before it had a chance to crash into us rather than wait and see where it ended up first.

Then I was walking on a street at night. I just turned the corner when I heard a loud vehicle approaching and hoped it wouldn’t turn down the street I was on because it was so loud. A split second later I was indoors at Aly’s place. She spotted me with no pants or underwear on and I was embarrassed at the thought of her thinking I shave my pubes, for some reason, when it only looks that way because body hair thins with age. Tom and I were getting ready to move there.

Then I picked up a voice message from Andy who was wondering why I hadn’t returned his calls. Realizing I been so busy with the upcoming move to Nebraska, I made a mental note to call him right away.

MONDAY, MARCH 19, 2018 Skipped my meds today and am starting to feel better. Sadly, my anxiety issues still point to either a direct connection to the meds or an indirect connection fueled by flare-ups. This means I may be worse tomorrow when I take my meds. Just because I feel okay now (not great but okay) doesn’t mean I may not feel worse later, however. I still want my thyroid removed, my dose lowered, or both. I just worry that A isn’t going to be willing to work with me and help me, thus forcing me into the pain in the ass of having to get another doctor. If worse comes to worst maybe I’ll see Tom’s doctor. He’s a guy, but being both male and Muslim, there’s never any waiting time. He’s also closer.

A guy who follows me on PB said a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar a day can help regulate cholesterol levels. I looked this up and that is listed as one of the health benefits of apple cider vinegar, but since I can’t drink the stuff straight up, I’ve added a tablespoon to my bottled water.

Aly had a shitty weekend between eczema, anemia, and an allergic reaction to something. She said she has to use a medicated body wash and is on what’s called a broad-spectrum antibiotic.

Tammy still hasn’t called and I’m through chasing after those who obviously don’t want to keep in touch. I don’t know if she’s fucking with me or if she’s got some seriously heavy-duty shit going on in her life, but as Tom pointed out, Tammy always thinks there’s drama going on. That’s just how she is. Oh, well. She isn’t going to die anytime soon. She would have told me if she was.

I wonder if, whenever she dies, it will hit the girls nearly a fraction of how hard their bastard father hit them when he died. Sure enough, I decided to check Becky’s wall to see if maybe she’s finally been able to move on at least a little, but sure enough, there’s a picture of her forearm with her new daddy tat. Would there be a mommy tat if Tammy died? Somehow I doubt it.

Tom is thinking of taking a week off in May. He may get his appointment moved up to the same week I have my ENT appointment and take that whole week off. That way we can do the second mural we want to do in the living room, maybe have the oven delivered then, and decide what to do about the roof.

Yesterday was surprisingly quiet but today I expect it to be pretty noisy as people get as much landscaping done in what may be the only day they can do it this week. It’s going to be raining from Tuesday on.

Last night I dreamed I was dragging a cardboard box with something wet in it that was leaking out of it towards the front door of Stacey’s house, only Stacey’s house was a big two-story house. When I opened the front door there were several wide cement steps leading up to the place and a fairly busy street about 50’ away. Some guy in a pickup slowed down and called something out to me.

Then there was something about Kathleen and my dentist but I’m not sure what.

Then I was asking Tom to evaluate my various body parts and he said he could see the muscle in my shoulders and abs but my legs looked flabby.

Now I’m going to go catch up on Bubbly before it gets noisy. Not sure if I’m going to keep copying links from there because it’s not like I’m ever going to want to go back and listen to what I said way back when. At least I don’t think I would.

SUNDAY, MARCH 18, 2018 We had to cancel the flower tea kettle because FedEx damaged it en route and then the seller, a drop shipper, ran out of them. Instead, I’m getting this cute pink flamingo kettle. It’s safe for gas stoves and I like whistling kettles, which is what it is.

I also couldn’t resist this adorable set of rainbow mugs I got a great deal on in which the rims are a different color on each one. There’s purple, blue, orange, red, green and yellow.

Finished Law & Order’s 18th year and now I’m watching the pilot of Seven Seconds. I’m liking it despite the fact that as usual, race has to be involved.

Yesterday we dyed my hair. It’s now long enough that it takes two kits, but would probably only need one if it was women’s dye. It’s a little darker than I’d like but better than gray.

Went to Walmart early yesterday morning and got black gemstone flip-flops with a slight heel, plus he got some black canvas shoes for himself. I’ve been wearing the same flip-flops for a few years now so variety is nice and black goes with everything.

Recently, I had been bitching about all the projects around here and said that next, Lawrence will die or sell his place. Well, the paramedics were there yesterday. They were there for several minutes but I didn’t actually see anyone get taken out, so I don’t know what happened. I just know it would really suck for that place to turn over while we were still here being so close to the bedroom. It wouldn’t be as bad as Bob and Virginia but more worrisome than the Twenties and Trisha.

Started copying my Bubbly voice post links into a Word doc file and backing them up on PB as well. This way I can quickly access the older ones if I wanted to, instead of having to scroll and scroll forever.

Skipped yesterday’s dose and I’m starting to feel better. I had caffeinated tea instead of caffeinated coffee when I got up, too.

Still nothing from Tammy. She’s either playing with me or she’s got something really serious going on with her or maybe it’s on Mark. I don’t know until she decides to take the time she takes to check in to Facebook to check in with me. Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s not good. She rarely has any good news. That’s just how she’s always been. And when she does have good news it tends to be exaggerated just like her bad news is.

Tom’s bad news is his shoulder injury. He thought it was his elbow at first but then he Googled his symptoms and found that it actually stems from his shoulder and is similar to the sciatic nerve injury he had. Icing it helps but it’s otherwise “so painful you could cut my arm off and I wouldn’t even notice,” he says.

Last night I dreamed I was lying on a gurney or table in an exam room somewhere. A woman I assume was a nurse, placed a hand in the center of my chest and said she felt clogged arteries in that area. Although I’m sure the dream meant nothing, it’s still not a thrilling dream for a dream premonitioner to have.

Then Tom and I were country-living again in the next dream in a house that we seemed to own, but first, I was at a buffet with someone loading up on all kinds of stuff. A guy behind the counter was talking about alcoholic drinks with the word rainbow in its name, so of course I was suddenly interested even though I almost never drink, LOL. But instead of getting the rainbow drink, I was home a split second later. It seemed to be a long ranch-style house I was in and I was looking out the front window for the pizza delivery I was expecting. I guess I was really hungry that night. The land around us seemed deserty with clumps of sage and a landscape that sort of slanted upwards as the sun was just about to dip below the horizon off in the distance.

When I looked out front I saw two cars had arrived and knew one was the pizza and the other was Tom. I had Alexa turn off the music I had playing before running to pull cash for the food out of my purse. I thought I was grabbing tens but instead, I grabbed single dollar bills in frustration just as Tom entered the place.

FRIDAY, MARCH 16, 2018 Here we go again with the woodpecker that ONLY we hear. Yeah, I knew it would be starting up anytime now. This is the time of year they get more active. So now I’ll have to listen to this shit regularly for months.

Tom thinks the Amberen nurse is lying about me possibly being sensitive to the synthetic version of my medication because it’s her job to sell Amberen and therefore she would blame other things for my symptoms. I’m still going to bring up the possibility to my doctor, but if that’s the case, it should be illegal for people to have what’s supposed to be real nurses lying to people.

After taking my meds, sure enough, I got anxious and I’ve been having waves of anxiety on and off for the last 9 hours. So since Tom was home I took a Benadryl and that did help, but like most things, it only helped for a while. It made me really drowsy and caused me to nap for about an hour. I’m getting baby Benadryl to see if that will still help, even if it’s only a temporary fix, but without knocking me out.

Words can’t express how hopeless I feel right now. I really don’t think I’m ever going to return to me as I’d always known me to be before 2014 when this shit started. I just can’t believe that the problem will ever go away no matter what I do. I’m totally losing hope. This is the new me for life just like I got fat and that was the new me for life and I got farsighted and that was the new me, and so on and so forth. But there’s no fucking way I can live with this for another 20-30 years. Just no fucking way.

I am totally tempted to have Doc A refill my lorazepam and drink down the whole bottle and be done with this suffering forever, even if there may be an afterlife that’s a million times worse. It’s just that I’m a seriously gutless person either way. I don’t have the guts to go on and I don’t think I could ever muster up the guts to kill myself unless I lost Tom, and even then, who knows? Maybe I would be such a chickenshit that I would allow myself to starve in the streets or commit a crime so I could have food and shelter in jail. But yeah, this shit is really zapping my will to live. And instead of adapting, it just drives me crazier the longer I suffer. I don’t understand why I can adapt easily to some things while other things I can never get used to. I can’t get used to noise, I can’t get used to sleeping through noise, and I sure as hell can’t get used to feeling anxious. And I thought dwelling on us growing old and dying was the worst of my problems. I wish it was! I wish my TMJ, teeth, skin, noise or money were my worst problems. Even the fucking shitsters down in Arizona didn’t have me feeling so bad. When I would become overwhelmed with “anxiety” from having to stay in the 4-man cell; that still didn’t compare to this.

It would make it a whole lot easier on me if I could know for sure that this shit would stop upon reaching full-blown menopause. But you know what? I have a bad feeling it’s not going to be that easy. Especially since I would think I should be awfully close by now with only one period in nine months, even if the last one was only a few months ago. Even if there’s a connection, I still think the problem lies within the medication and or flares. Well, I can’t stop the medication and I can’t stop flaring. So where does that leave me? Trapped. That’s where.

I finally heard from Tammy who said she’ll be calling to let me know what’s going on, but you know what? I don’t want to hear it. I know it’s going to be the same old negative stuff about her health, and it’s not like I don’t care or empathize, but our chats are always about her health. It’s very hard for me to get a word in edgewise. If I didn’t say anything about my own life, she would ask little to no questions about me. It’s like how Aly gets frustrated with Kim. It’s all about her suffering.

It rained all night which kept the planes out of the sky. It’s not raining at the moment but it’s very wet out there.

I only remember a couple of quick dreams last night. Glimpses into parallel lives? Again, I wonder about this. I was walking along a snowy street in one dream. It wasn’t snowing at the moment but there were several inches on the ground. I glanced to my left and passed a few people hanging out talking but what may’ve been apartments. I got the impression I wasn’t in a great neighborhood with great people either.

I also dreamed that I was pulling some old dolls out of a box and setting them up somewhere.

THURSDAY, MARCH 15, 2018 Written Wednesday morning:

Even though I’m tired I want to document my discussion with a nurse at the makers of Amberen while it’s still fresh in my mind. I had mild anxiety throughout most of my day and then it got really bad. Sleepytime tea, Ibuprofen, emotional tapping… nothing was helping. Nothing. It would start to seem like it was backing off but then I would have waves of anxiety going through my chest. No racing heart, though.

I was sitting at my desk when I casually glanced at the box of Amberen sitting on it and the toll-free number written on the box. So I called and pressed the option for speaking to a nurse and told her that Amberen has relieved all my perimenopausal symptoms except for anxiety. She was surprised, saying that that’s usually the first symptom people find relief from. Then she said she suspected the cause of my anxiety may not be the hormonal fluctuations. This is when I told her that I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s and put on Levothyroxine 4 years ago. She asked me if my thyroid levels could be off and I told her they were a little high because if I take enough medication to get my numbers normal, I have epic levels of anxiety. She then said I could be sensitive to the medication. I told her that’s exactly what my gut feeling has always told me and that I never had a problem with anxiety until I was put on anything above 50 mcg. I told her that my doctor told me it was the same stuff our bodies made anyway and she didn’t think it was the medication. At that point, she laughed and said they love to say that because that’s what they’re advocating; that medication. Also, she admitted that she wasn’t a doctor and was sure my doctor would disagree with her but that my doctor was welcome to call them anytime. She also pointed out that while it may be the same stuff our bodies make, it’s still a synthetic version and so the body can react to it differently. The more I thought about this the more it made sense because no matter what great kinds of chemicals we may come up with, nothing can replace the real thing. It’s like baby formula. It can’t quite duplicate breast milk, can it?

She said I should really advocate for myself and get the issue addressed once and for all if I think the medication could be the problem. Oh, I definitely plan to advocate, all right. I’ve had enough of this fucking bullshit cycle year after year. Not saying I don’t have flareups or peri, but I think if I never had to go on this medication in the first place, I would find that I had little to no anxiety from the peri. Just the timing and the intensity of this shit is enough to indicate it’s tied to the medication. It wasn’t until they raised my dose that I started having these problems and it just seems way too intense to be on the peri. I need to be cut back or put on something else. I wasn’t on 50 mcgs for long and while it’s possible I could still have a problem on that after a while if I’m that sensitive to the synthetic version, I don’t think I would. Yes, my TSH will be in the teens on 50s, but before I was diagnosed and medicated it was in the 30s and I didn’t have anxiety. I tell you, it’s the meds. Another thing that points to the meds is that in the summer of 2016, the doctor told me I still had good estrogen. Well, if perimenopausal anxiety is caused by falling estrogen levels, then why have I been anxious since 2014? I was showing some symptoms then like some hot flashes, sleep disturbances, and periods that were becoming irregular. Tom says there are more hormones involved than just estrogen and I know this is true, so maybe I did really go into peri while I still had good estrogen. Sure felt like it started coming on around 2014.

Then she asked if I was waiting 4 hours to take the Amberen, which confirmed that she really knew what she was talking about because most people don’t know that you should wait 4 hours after the medication before you take even something like Amberen. Nothing should ever be taken with Levothyroxine except for painkillers and only if necessary.

I’m definitely going to start skipping doses more often to ward off the anxiety from setting in in the first place. I think the only reason I was doing better last fall was that I had gotten so fed up with the anxiety last summer that I started skipping every other day for two or three weeks and it took a while for my levels to build back up when I started taking it more often. I don’t want to do anything extreme and quit the medication altogether because my body still needs this hormone. There’s no need to be so black-and-white about it. All I’m saying is that I can’t take 75 or more anymore. It’s simply too much for my body no matter what anyone says and no matter what their fucking numbers say. Furthermore, the only way to find out for sure if I’m right is to actually lower the damn dose for a good 6 months or so and see how I do. If I’m still anxious then I’ll have no problem with admitting and accepting that I was wrong, and then take it from there. I can’t keep suffering like this year after year. It’s too much for me. Sooner or later it’s going to drive me to do something stupid if it doesn’t let up and I don’t want that either. It is a horrible, HORRIBLE way to live. It’s scary as hell. They say our gut feeling is usually correct. If my gut feeling says it’s on the medication, then it probably is, with or without flare-ups and perimenopause in the picture. Maybe in a few years I can tolerate this dose without issue, but I don’t think so. I just want to worry about right now anyway, not what might be the case in a few years. And right now I can’t tolerate this dose and it needs to be lowered or some other alternative needs to be implemented.

There is absolutely nothing going on in my life that should make me even remotely stressed out let alone anxious as hell. I may be annoyed by noise and other little nuisances like that in life, but there is absolutely no reason I should feel this way. Well, I’ve had enough! When my life was shitty prior to 2012 and I was stressing over money and our day-to-day survival, I STILL didn’t feel this way. Go into my pre-2014 journals and see how often you can find the word “anxiety.”

I forgot that I got Benadryl to act as the new Lorazepam but I might not have had the guts to take it had I remembered it. That’s the thing about anxiety… Everything becomes scary.

Tom thinks the peri is causing flareups because I still had anxiety the other day after a couple of skips, but that’s the thing about Levothyroxine… It takes months to leave the body. The shit’s still in my system. But I do get better overall when I back off.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother living. I could ask my doctor for a Lorazepam refill, down it all, and never wake up again just to have to deal with one long-term crisis after another for the rest of my life as I’ve always done. Believe me, it’s a tempting idea at times. I don’t need this shit and Tom doesn’t need it either. I almost wish I could ditch doctors altogether. I went to them 4 years ago and all they’ve done is make me worse. The foot doctor did get rid of my ingrown toenail, and my GYN helped me if only a little, but otherwise they made me worse, not better.

IDK, maybe there is something up there and this is its way of saying hey, I made you hypo for a reason, and this is the way it’s forcing me to be the hypo I was meant to be. But then why can others tolerate this drug without any issues? Why is it always me that has to have the problems? Being hypo is very annoying but it didn’t kill me, and if worst comes to worst and that’s what I have to be again, it won’t kill me this time around either. But you know what? I’d rather something - anything - kill me than let me live to suffer. Can’t take thyroid meds, can’t take statins… I get it, God. You want me to suffer. But it’s my life and my body and I say no more! I’m done with this shit and if death is the only way to stop the suffering, so be it. First I’m going to start with hoping a lower dosage is the answer. If not, I’ll decide what to do then. But I’m not going to keep suffering on and off year after year from what ranges from a horrible sense of irrational unease to downright terror. Hell, I even called Tom and told him about my chat with the nurse.

My own sister and nieces have been ghosting me and I wonder why. They’ve been pulling a Maliheh on me more and more. I’ve asked Tammy several times what the tests were for and what the results were when she told me on the 25th of last month that she was having a bunch of tests done, and she’s completely blown off my Facebook messages as well as the email I sent and the message I tagged her in on my wall. So what’s up? Because I’m not a God fan? Won’t forgive certain family members? Wish they would either tell me to fuck off or just tell me what the hell’s really going on.

Anyway, the rain kept it quiet yesterday but then we had a little bit of a dry spell in which the planes promptly began to make up for lost time. We’ve got to be in a flight path.

Took the 6 citrus teas over to next-door, and later slept shittily. Yes, something is always determined to fuck with my sleep. If it isn’t traffic, it’s something else. This time around it was ferociously loud thunder and then Alexa rebooting.

Aly had that Novasure procedure done yesterday and there were issues with her blood pressure, so she had to go to the hospital for a while. She said she was so sorry she wasn’t there for me after seeing my tweet about the anxiety, but I told her I know she’s there for me even when she can’t be.

Going through journals reminded me to check jail inmates again for the first time in a while, as I think I recently mentioned. When I found that Jailhouse Kim was in yet again for what’s got to be at least the fourth time, I couldn’t resist fucking with her so I sent her a letter saying that her friend contacted me on Facebook and asked that I send her a little “inspiration.” Yeah, go ahead, God, if you exist, and punish me. You make me suffer when I behave so why not for sending someone a letter that is no doubt going to shock them and make them wonder who the hell I am, even if she may have a good idea. I reminded her that she chose crime over her kids because I know it will really get to her, and while I appreciated the help she gave me to break me into jail life, I always resented her as well. She would be correct if she said I wouldn’t have the guts to say that to her face in person. Not with commissary and visitation to lose I wouldn’t. I also asked her what life with Jodi Arias was like, pointed out how much she must love prison if she keeps going back to it, mentioned some inmates I used to know (some of whom are there), and said a few weird things to keep her guessing and wondering. I wish I had an invisible camera embedded in the letter so I could see and hear her reaction when she gets and reads it. LOL

Even though I didn’t do anything illegal, I didn’t put a return address on and I didn’t leave any physical evidence, although I did address it by hand. I wonder if she got and saved my first letter? That way she can compare handwriting if she wants to. Kim may be a loser who would rather be in prison than deal with the real world, but she is intelligent. I wonder if she wonders if I’ll write her every time she’s hauled into prison. Yeah, maybe, haha.

I also wonder if she sees Rosa but I doubt it. I think Rosa is in something called the Santa Cruz Unit. The beggar is in the Lumley Unit. Pretty sure that’s where Jodi is.

Last night I dreamed I pierced my nose six times with these little tiny studded earrings, LOL. I did a group of three on the right lower side of my nose and then I somehow managed to do another group of three on the upper left side of my nose toward my eye. As I studied all the little studs in the mirror, I wondered if I should mention it to Tom when he got home or see how long it would take him to notice. Then I thought he might be worried that some were “too close to my brain.”

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 14, 2018 It’s a rainy night tonight as I begin to enjoy the awesome and huge variety of tea I got today. Half are decaf, half aren’t. I’m having eggnog tea now. I’ve got every flavor imaginable. I like black tea but I don’t know if I’m going to like the green tea. Green tea can make me nauseous.

I read on my box of Sleepytime tea that it has 25 mg of valerian root, and when I looked up valerian root pills online, I found that the average dose is 500 mg. I was shocked because I would think that if 25 mg can relax me as it does then 500 might send me right into a coma. A couple of people said the opposite, though, and that it made their hearts race. No way I’m messing with pills unnecessarily.

Not impressed with the honey sticks I got. I thought you stirred them into the tea and that they dissolved as you stirred them but apparently not. They’re like little straws and you have to snip the ends and pour the honey out.

My new sweatpants fit better being a smaller size and now all I’m waiting on is my beautiful tea kettle.

That strange vibration in my head is back again and a quick check said it’s menopause or Parkinson’s. I think I can guess which one it is.

I have what I believe are three different types of dreams. Reflection dreams based on what’s going on in my life, glimpses into possible parallel lives, and messages/dream premonitions. I don’t know if the right word is psychic, intuitive, or whatever. I just really wish the bad dreams/vibes would stop. Tammy’s giving me horrible vibes and then I dreamed something about feeling the need to get out of the state while I still could, like I would get sick or something bad would happen to me if I didn’t get out as soon as I could. I don’t know if someone was telling me this, or I just had this feeling, or I had a dream that I dreamed this.

At least Irene got to visit in my dreams. :-) I entered the kitchen as she was doing something by the sink and in German, she said there wasn’t any more milk. I replied in German saying that there would be more in the morning.

TUESDAY, MARCH 13, 2018 Aly thanked me a million times for telling her about emotional tapping, saying that it helped her a lot when she felt like she was going to panic. The poor thing sleeps shitty and has to take a medication that makes her nauseous even with another medication to help combat that. Next week she’ll return to the lab to see if it helped. I hope so. I know she doesn’t want to have to have a transplant.

I also hope that the dream I had last night doesn’t mean anything. It really sucked! Tom and I lived in a two-bedroom, one-bathroom apartment that was in the middle of a strip of apartments all on one floor. The place was smallish and I could see it in vivid detail. There was only one entry door. You walked into the kitchen and then you stepped through a doorway to the right and into the living room. Then down the hallway at the opposite end of the living room was a bathroom to the left, then a bedroom, and then a larger bedroom straight ahead at the end of the hall.

There was a storm going on or something because all of a sudden I was standing in the living room and it was dark like the lights had gone out or something. There may have been a small dog in the room as I made my way to the door to look for Tom, whose voice I thought I just heard. When I opened the door and glanced outside, the wind was gushing unlike anything I’d ever felt before and I was now worried about him. It was very dark out and I couldn’t see anything or anyone anywhere. I was tempted to step out and look for him but I knew that our door would lock behind me if I did, plus I was barefoot. I woke up as I went to get my shoes on.

And then I also had snippets of dreams that only lasted a second or two. Something about Linda Ronstadt having medication on her bed for a yeast infection when we were in her house.

Next, I was hanging out with a few black people and one of them wanted me to call someone on a young black girl’s behalf. I was afraid to make the call in front of others, though, who were coming and going because I didn’t want them to think I was trying to get her in any kind of trouble.

Then I was watching a group of adults remove seatbelts from some kids that had arrived nearby in a small bus, suggesting they may have been disabled or something.

I loved having Tom working at home on the conference call last night. Sometimes I wonder if I would feel better if he worked at home during the night, slept during the morning, and maybe went in in the afternoon for a few hours like he did today. But then anxiety is anxiety and I can have flareups anytime, anywhere, with anyone around… or not. Felt great yesterday and so far today but I’m having my precautionary Sleepytime tea to see if that helps keep the anxiety from setting in in the first place.

I’m trying a new cleaning schedule to see if that helps me be more thorough. I hate dusting so much that I tend to cut corners, go too fast, and blow off dusting certain sections. This way, instead of going through the whole house in four days every other week, I clean something every day but just a small section at a time, ending up with the same sections every other week.

Andy has always been into multiple accounts much like Kim and Aly, so if he really wanted to see what he could see of my Facebook account, all he has to do is look in from another account… and find my link to Curious Cat. Well, someone anonymously slipped me a video of a black man giving another black man a verbal beating. Instinctively, I thought of Andy right away. It came at a time when I knew he would be up, too. When I jumped on the main feed, though, I could see that someone else got the same video, which bumped my doubt up a notch. Still might’ve been him, but if it was, why now? Plus, he’d probably be more likely to choose a video of whites defending blacks or blacks picking on whites to make a point. Oh, I remember those little “statement” pics. He was such a black lover and defender.

It’s raining today so I’m hoping that that will keep things quiet until I go to bed which should be around noon. It got up to 72 degrees again yesterday but I still slept well. In fact, I slept better than I did on Sunday because I didn’t wake up as much. I just had that shitty dream.

I feel totally ghosted by Tammy and the girls and I feel like they don’t really want me in their lives. I don’t know what the hell’s going through their minds for sure or what’s going on in their daily lives. I only know how I feel. I know Tammy’s got to be getting my messages. The question is… if she can take the time to check in, why not the time to make a quick reply more often? It’s almost like she gets off on having me wait on her like Maliheh did more and more before she ghosted me altogether. Not saying that they’re going to do that to me, but it’s like they’re trying to keep me at arm’s length. I know I should be okay with that and see the good in it because that way there’s less risk for potential conflict as opposed to if we were always around each other and in touch more often, but I feel like something’s going on that they’re not telling me. Sometimes I wonder if Tammy’s health is a lot worse than she wants to admit but I don’t think so. She loves to whine to others about her health. She’s also quick to let someone know when she has a problem with them, so that’s why neither theory makes sense. She’s playing with me or there’s something else up that I don’t know about.

I think I’m going to stay off Facebook altogether (I’m not into it anyway) and see how she reacts. Hello if someone messages me because I get notifications by phone. Like I would try to get myself to do with Nane and Maliheh, it’s time to make her wait on me.

MONDAY, MARCH 12, 2018 I’m actually typing this instead of using speech-to-text so I don’t disturb Tom’s meeting. Yeah, this is kinda fun, LOL. He’s being paid hundreds of dollars just to sit in on a business meeting via Skype. The original plan was for him to go in and work for about 4 hours. This is the first time he’s ever gone in on a Sunday that I can remember. When I got up to find he still wasn’t home at almost 7:00, I was a bit worried, though not alarmed. I figured there was some trouble with the system upgrade they’ve been implementing at work. So I logged into Skype and sure enough, that’s what was up. He didn’t get in till 10:00 and an hour later he’s still working on his business laptop and on Skype with half a dozen others trying to fix their problems. I guess no one’s going to bed tonight, LOL.

So with the combination of valerian root, his presence, and a peaceful night other than the planes, I’m in a much better mood than yesterday. Yeah, sorry about that but everything was getting to me yesterday and sometimes you just need to pitch a fit, be it verbally, in print, or whatever. With nothing to say there’s a lifespan to Hashimoto’s flareups like perimenopause has a lifespan, it can really give me a bleak outlook on things at times. I had been doing so much better with the anxiety, too.

It’s one of those things that when I feel good, that’s just it… I feel good. But when I don’t, things can often seem hopeless, leaving me feeling stuck and helpless. When I think of those who say that God helps those that help themselves I want to shove this wad of gum I’m chewing up their noses as that’s just a total crock, if there even is a God. I’ve been trying to figure this out for nearly 4 years now. However, I think I should pay more attention to the Ibuprofen/valerian thing. They do seem to help a bit. Maybe not as much as I’d like but I guess some help is better than none. I haven’t felt bad enough to reach for Ibuprofen the last couple of days, but Sleepytime tea is a real blessing. I was “bad” yesterday too, by indulging in sugary treats and an extra cup of coffee. I had just one cup today and am avoiding sugar and cholesterol as much as possible. My “un-statined” body doesn’t need the extra cholesterol anyway.

Anyway, when I don’t feel so well I try to remind myself that I thought we’d be broke all our lives and I was wrong. Nothing lasts forever. So hopefully the anxiety won’t either. It’s just getting hard to believe this mantra with each year that this shit continues to go on. Also, I’d rather be broke again than suffer.

Tom just said it’s no problem if I use speech to text because he can shut his door. The beauty of not having an open floor plan in this house is that sound doesn’t travel as easily throughout the place. Anyway, using speech-to-text has spoiled me. I pretty much hate to type these days but it’s still better than writing by hand like I used to many years ago.

He’ll be losing a lot of sleep tonight but making a shitload of money. Hey, this is Cali, where everything pays a fortune and then costs you a fortune. Apparently, I’m far from the only one on a wacky schedule here too, even if it’s not by choice in my case. When Tom retires he’s going to just sleep whenever he needs to sleep whether or not it’s at the same time every night (or day). We don’t believe in schedules even if I still wish I could keep one at times. He can adjust his for appointments in a day, though, if he has to. It takes me over a week to do that.

We went out at 4 AM yesterday to Walgreens where we got a few treats and another really cool set of designer stick-on nails. Metallic bluish-green with silver glitter accents.

On the way back we saw at least half a dozen rule-breakers, which didn’t surprise us in the least. You’re not supposed to park in the street overnight yet despite the park actually attempting to do something about this particular problem, people just don’t care. They’re gonna do what they’re gonna do.

Ordered some stuff from Amazon last night. Got another pair of purple sweatpants only in size medium this time because the large was too big for me.

Plus, I got a 100-pack of honey sticks that you use like coffee stirs in tea. They can be used as snacks or in tea actually. They even have chocolate sticks to stir into milk. Along with the honey sticks, I got a Bigelow’s tea sampler with 54 tea bags for just $13. That’s a damn good deal! There are only a couple I won’t like such as the orange and lemon zinger. You know I hate citrus.

Lastly, I got this absolutely GORGEOUS floral tea kettle with tulips, daisies, poppies and lilies. I figure I’ll just use regular tap water and save on bottled water which I prefer to put through the Keurig. This also gives me the option of making a pot of tea if I want to. Hell, if my Sleepytime tea keeps making me feel calmer then I’m going to practically drown myself in the stuff.

Slept better than I thought I would yesterday. I still woke up several times, but except for the time I got up to pee, I fell right back to sleep. Not once did I wake up from the motorcycles I expected to wake up from.

I have declared my CampNaNo project along with my bestie and will be looking forward to having fun with Reunion of Innocents, but will probably do that one just for fun and not for future publication. This will be the Palma reunion story.

Kim has done nothing but rant about her SIL to both Aly and I, and Aly feels she’s gotten very selfish in that all she wants to do is whine about her problems without bothering to care or ask about Aly’s. On top of that, there’s nothing more we can do other than what we’ve already suggested. I feel bad for her, but as Aly and I both agree, it’s unlikely that she’s as innocent as she’s claiming to be. Like it or not, Kim has always been a pathological liar and probably always will be. I don’t know how aware of her actions she is, but she’s incredibly contradicting at times. She’s told us that her mother is just as scared of her SIL, but then she said her mother squealed on Kim for not using soap or something like that, after using the bathroom.

She got fired from work for her attitude, but since the boss is a friend of the SILs, I guess something is going to be worked out. Also, I guess she and her sister want her and her mother to lose more weight but since they haven’t, they don’t get to go on their upcoming road trip to Georgia or some shit like that. It’s a strange family indeed.

SUNDAY, MARCH 11, 2018 Waking up to the tune of power saws and hammering 4 days in a row is not a thrilling thing to have to wake up to. I am SO totally beyond sick of this shit and having to listen to one project after another here! You would think that getting up at 5 p.m. would spare you from the bulk of the noise, but now they’re working into the evening and daylight savings isn’t helping with that either as it only enables them to work later as it stays lighter later. The thing is that as long as it’s between 8 a.m. and 10 p.m., we can be as noisy as we want. :-(

I managed to sleep well today since they’re working on the other side of the house, but tomorrow, the motorcycle gangs are going to be waking me up like crazy. Despite spending hundreds of dollars on soundproofing material, extra windows, and sleeping with sound machines and earplugs, I STILL get woken up. So many vehicles are just so ferociously loud these days that one would need to be hundreds of feet away from the road.

I’m also kind of irritated with myself for not adapting and getting used to it after all these years. I’ve never lived in a quiet place yet. At least not as an adult. Auburn would have been quiet if it hadn’t been for Jesse and his damn dogs, but the world is never going to sound like it did in the 70s and even the 80s, so you would think I would have adjusted to this shit by now.

I’ve lived in many places yet never have I heard landscaping nearly every day or so many fucking projects being done. Not even the apartments I had in Arizona had this much shit going on and they definitely had more going on than when I lived back east. Plus, there is the insane amount of loud vehicles and all the plane activity here.

I thought they were working on the house behind Geri’s but they’re actually replacing Geri’s eaves. They just started on the other side and now they’re on the side closest to us. I can tell this is something that’s going to take weeks or at least several days.

Tom said that when he came back with the groceries after 10 a.m. there were half a dozen cars down the street just past Bob and Virginia so I guess there was something going on down there as well.

The house in back has sold so now it’s only a matter of time before I find out how loud their vehicle is. Hopefully, they won’t be parking by the bedrooms as they’re getting moved in and having their little housewarming party and all that shit.

So far, it’s been a peaceful evening. Can’t hear much of the freeway tonight which is only about 600 feet away. Not too many car stereos either, or planes. Wait. I take that last part back. I can hear some planes now.

I got an email from Maliheh even though it wasn’t really from her from some other country. It ended with ‘br’ and I’m guessing that’s Brazil. There was some link that I wouldn’t click on, of course, knowing it was either some type of spyware or a link to spam. I don’t understand how this particular scam works. I know one of her email accounts was hacked but this doesn’t appear to be from that account. Why not just make up a bogus name? Why use a real person’s name? I would have thought she would have recovered control of her email that was hacked by now but maybe not. Like I said, I don’t understand how this scam works. Lying bitch or not, I don’t think she did anything wrong. I think she really was/is a victim.

I went out running earlier with Tom and I ran both fast and long because I was pissed. Pissed at all the noise and pissed that the research Tom did on flares and thyroidectomies didn’t exactly tell me anything I wanted to hear. I’m really worried that I’m going to suffer on and off from anxiety for the rest of my life even though Tom says he doesn’t think so and still thinks that the perimenopause is the root cause from everything he’s read.

Supposedly, if I got my thyroid removed, it may not be able to spit out bursts of T3 anymore but I would still have Hashimoto’s and so I may not necessarily feel better. Also, there’s a whole long list of things that can actually cause autoimmune flare-ups like cold weather and various forms of inflammation. That’s why they recommend Ibuprofen when you have a flare but it’s not something you want to take every day, of course, because it can cause bleeding in the stomach. If I weren’t in good shape and then I suddenly did something strenuous that left me sore, that could cause a flareup right there. But because I’m active and use my muscles regularly, I lower the risk of inflammation, even though there are other things that can cause flares.

I feel like such a hypocrite tonight. I have been bitching about seeing nothing but an endless stream of negativity online pertaining to the same old subjects, yet all I want to do right now is bitch, moan, rant, complain, cry and basically beat my head in the fucking wall, knowing that if there is a God up there this is all the more reason to hate its fucking guts for allowing me to suffer like this year after year when I’ve already had more than enough shit in life to have to deal with.

I’m just so fucking frustrated right now because I don’t see any real change in the near future, if ever. It would be bad, of course, to stop my thyroid medication altogether as that would only make things worse in many ways and the autoimmune disease may attack other organs and might even kill me, even if I didn’t have as much anxiety that way. But a few skips here and there definitely does help reduce some of the anxiety. My PCP knows I do this at times but I still want to discuss different options with her as far as handling flares when I see her in June.

Quitting smoking while I was young helps too, but I just feel like there’s a potential threat in everything. I can’t enjoy an occasional sugary treat without there being a risk of that triggering anxiety and the whole thing just really sucks shit. They now recognize asthma as an autoimmune disease even though mine’s been dormant most of the time since quitting smoking. But technically I have two AI diseases with a whole shitload of things that can make them worse and I might not even know what some of them are or realize that I could be doing something not very beneficial to myself. It’s a no-brainer that too much incense can make my lungs tight, but almost anything I do or eat could trigger flare-ups.

One of the many things he read that can cause flareups is hormonal imbalances so I’m still slightly hopeful that once I’m postmenopausal, the anxiety will lessen if it doesn’t go away altogether, but only slightly. After four years of this shit, it’s hard to hold out much hope of this ever going away. Like I said in a recent entry, I think this is the new me now and how I’m going to be for the rest of my life just like I one day got fat and I’m always going to be fat as well as farsighted and other things. Things change with age and they don’t always go back to what they used to be. Another thing that makes me doubtful that I’ll ever get better is that I actually feel like I’m through the worst of the peri because other symptoms have backed off. If my heart quit racing me awake, and other sleep disturbances (except for rude assholes on motorcycles) have eased up as well as the hot flashes, then why wouldn’t the anxiety have eased up by now as well?

UPDATE: Feeling better after a cup of Sleepytime tea. Valerian root really is a good thing. Something hit me after my last entry. You know how I said that most of my perimenopause symptoms have backed off except for the anxiety? Well, it hit me that I read that someone said that Amberen helped with all her symptoms except for anxiety. Maybe the same applies to me since I’ve been taking Amberen since last summer and everything but that has improved. In response to them saying this (on a doctor’s blog that wrote a book about menopause and such), the doctor recommended magnesium supplements to help combat the anxiety. Hmm…

FRIDAY, MARCH 9, 2018 Great news. I’m now 99% sure I know what’s been causing my anxiety on and off these last four years. Is it my medication? Perimenopause? Yes, but no. The question is whether or not I can get someone to actually help me with it and that would be getting me a thyroidectomy, but first, let me get other things out of the way before I get into that.

Sure enough, I was woken up four or five times today but I’m not tired, strangely enough. According to the weather forecast, the motorcycles are going to be waking me up like crazy this weekend. :-(

I’ve woken up to sawing and hammering for three days now. First, they’re doing a project behind Geri and now Geri is getting a new hatch to her crawl space. I’m sure it will take weeks too. But as much as I bitch about it, I realize it might have been worse. I would have had to deal with it longer had I gotten up earlier. But then I would just escape to the bedroom. I’m thinking of making that my permanent office because I’m tired of noise running me out of the living room. I would hear less of the freeway in the bedroom, including the fucking car stereos that can be heard mostly from 6 p.m. to 2 a.m. in warmer weather.

Right after I removed Campus Games because it didn’t seem to shake Maliheh’s negative review (unless I just didn’t give it enough time to reflect the changes), someone bought a copy of Evil. Hopefully, not Maliheh or a friend of hers to show they can leave a negative review on something they actually buy. Not unless she has a friend in the UK anyway because that’s where the sale came from. Either way, if I’m going to keep making sales, then I guess I may as well leave my books up, even if I never make much money from it.

Last night I dreamed I was gazing out at either a large lake or an ocean I seemed to live by. The water was bedecked with many sailboats.

Then I dreamed I was in a bathroom in a place that might have been very close to if not right on the beach. For some reason, I didn’t close the bathroom door and Tom entered the room in which the bathroom was off of. I told him I was peeing and he said, “Oh, I’m not even looking,” and went about doing something in what might’ve been a kitchen.

Okay, on with the flareups that I’m virtually certain are what’s been causing me to have intermittent anxiety ever since I began this damn thyroid medication. It’s known as an autoimmune flareup. The more research I did last night, the more it explains a lot of things. I always forget that it wasn’t the medication itself because it’s simply the same stuff our bodies make anyway, but I knew it was awfully extreme for perimenopause. Not saying the peri isn’t to blame at all. I’m just saying I know my body and what’s normal for me and it’s been obvious to me that there has been something going on that hasn’t been properly addressed and dealt with. But as I read on, things started making more sense. For example, just the way skipping doses can help. If the problem was mostly on the peri, cutting the medication back wouldn’t give me such noticeable relief. I tell you, the symptoms are too severe to be simply a case of “bad” or “rough” perimenopause which would just keep getting worse and worse like when I didn’t cut back the first couple of years hoping I would simply “get used to it.” The severe arrhythmia and palpitations, fear and anxiety I never had before in my life, severe constipation, losing 10 pounds in a week… perimenopause alone doesn’t do this. The more I would let the flareups go on without cutting back, the longer it would take to get relief after finally cutting back. When I was at my worst the last time which was in the fall of 2015, it took me three months to recover.

Flareups involve a sudden burst of T3 which can cause you to have symptoms of thyrotoxicity without the numbers showing up on your tests. This is why I never appear to be overmedicated when they test my TSH and T4. From what I read, the burst of T3 doesn’t last long enough to show up in the types of tests that they typically do on thyroid patients. But still, when the article I read described the symptoms, I had them all. A racing heart, feeling flushed in a way that isn’t quite the same as when you have a hot flash, feeling jittery, feeling like you have “too much energy.” It was me. It was all me.

Lowering my dose would prevent the flareups from making me so anxious but it would also lower the amount of thyroid in my system more than it should. Well, I don’t want to be low on thyroid but I don’t want to suffer from this bullshit cycle anymore either. I really think my best option would be a thyroidectomy and eliminating the root cause of the problem is what should be done for me. The problem is that so many doctors want to take the easy way out and do what’s easiest for them instead of what’s best for the patient. If I can’t get A to help me, I might have to drop her until I can find someone who will, even if we have to pay for it ourselves. A thyroidectomy usually costs 5 to 7 grand. I’ve definitely had more than enough of this shit but if worse comes to absolute worse and no one wants to address and deal with the real culprit or even lower my dosage, I will skip doses when I have a flareup like I’m doing right now. Sometimes an occasional skip isn’t enough and I have to skip two or three days in a row.

I’ve read good things about thyroidectomies and never heard anyone say they regretted having it done. I think even Tammy knows someone who had it done and felt much better afterward, but again, because it’s not life-threatening, even though you sure feel like you’re going to die if it gets bad enough, I don’t know if I can get anyone to help me.

Dr. O actually told me what it was and she was the only one that brought up the flares. Not sure they ever go away, though, like perimenopause eventually goes away but I haven’t yet found anything that suggests they have any kind of set lifespan. As much as my Dr. O was a stern bitch at times that reminded me a little too much of my mother, she was a genius. Most knowledgeable and helpful doctor I ever had and I almost wish she was my PCP as well. I don’t understand why A hasn’t taken my complaints of anxiety more seriously and looked into other causes other than just perimenopause. I get that she hasn’t known me all my life and that she doesn’t live in my mind and body to know what’s normal for me and what’s not, but still. So many doctors want to take the easy way out and mask the problem rather than get rid of it altogether. I’m tired of this roller coaster and I don’t want to try to manage or mask it with things like Lorazepam and other things that could have side effects when I can simply remove the problem altogether. I know it would mean having to double my dose because I would be going from a 50% output to a 0% output, but this way I might actually be able to take the medication more consistently if I don’t have the damn flareups making me so miserable. Even the psychiatrist herself said you can sometimes still feel anxious even with psych drugs and these drugs can stop working after a while, too. So let’s prevent it from happening in the first place by going directly to the source and getting rid of the problem!

I ran and downed a couple of ibuprofen after reading an article about that helping with flares since it’s a form of inflammation, and psychological or not, it did seem to take some of the edge off the anxiety. I feel better today because I didn’t take my meds today and I’m not taking them tomorrow either so as to lower the amount of medication in my bloodstream while I’m flaring. I’ll take it on Sunday, though.

THURSDAY, MARCH 8, 2018 I unpublished and then republished Campus Games. We’ll see if that shakes what I’m fairly certain is Maliheh’s comment for teasing her about using her name. LOL, it was still worth it. Maybe I can tease her about making her Socio, then she can leave a negative review on another book and I’ll do the same thing.

Maliheh never responds to the occasional email I send reminding her of my existence but I have no reason to think she doesn’t at least read them, hoping I’ll be dumb enough to say something she can hang my ass with.

Actually, it doesn’t look like it got rid of the review. Maybe because I didn’t change anything after unpublishing it. Either way, I’m torn between leaving what’s there, deleting some books, and deleting all of them. I just don’t see the point of turning something that’s fun into all this work if the profit isn’t going to be big enough to make it worth the effort. For the most part, there’s only money in writing if you’re famous or infamous and I definitely don’t want to be either one of those. It’s been a fun and interesting journey but I think for the most part, if not for the whole part, it should be what it’s always been meant to be… just a fun hobby.

I also admit I’m a touch embarrassed at the thought of some people I know reading them like Kathleen, just like I came to feel that way about my journals and became pickier about who I share them with. Between the explicit scenes and some of my older stories and the fact that I’m not the greatest storyteller, I’m a little self-conscious when it comes to the idea of certain people reading them. I should never have told just anyone that I’m an author, just like I should never have told anyone I know that I keep a journal online.

Unless people really can buy my books without me knowing it, Kathleen hasn’t bought anything, and since she hasn’t thus far, she likely never will. I think she’s more conservative than I ever realized she could be, no matter how much I may be “in her heart.”

The noise continues to be obnoxious most of the time. Loud vehicles, projects, landscaping, freeway traffic, car stereos (usually from outside the park) and plenty of plane activity. Even the nights aren’t always quiet. It’s after dark now and while I don’t usually mind the whoosh of freeway traffic, I hear the annoying buzz of planes and the occasional thumping of bass. Tonight I even get to listen to a catfight. I thought it was a couple of little kids screaming at first.

Anyway, despite the technology we have today to make things quieter, this is life in most places. Nothing I can do about it. Hell, most vehicles weren’t even this loud 50 years ago, and in some ways, this place is noisier than Phoenix was and that place was rocking. There I didn’t hear freeway traffic and car stereos throughout the night, oodles of projects or daily landscaping. Sometimes I even hear construction on the freeway being conducted in the middle of the night. I don’t think I even heard trains at night in Phoenix. I hate to think of what the world will sound like in another decade or two! I would think that by then people would have had enough and would do something about it but that’s what I thought years ago regarding car stereos. I think most people either don’t mind or don’t notice noise. The only thing I’m able to tune out at times is the whooshing of the freeway traffic because it’s a fairly consistent sound. Like I said to Tom, though, no sense in even trying to get a quieter place at this point whenever and wherever we move to. We should just focus on price and climate. Noise will be a part of my regular life for the rest of my life just like anxiety, obesity and shitty vision will be.

I was reading back on some old journal entries where Molly and her mother stalked and harassed the shit out of me online for years, following me from one site to another. You would think by now I would just laugh at some of those old memories and their immature silliness, but I actually felt a surge of anger. They’re lucky I didn’t go after them. It’s only that we were flat broke at the time that saved them from me. However, spells have long since been cast as I’ve done both consciously and not with those that have crossed me over the last couple of decades and irreversible consequences have befallen them because of it. I regret some of this and these days I definitely do prefer to simply ignore those I dislike, but sometimes we can’t call off what negative energy we may put out there.

I do take some of the responsibility, however, for using sites that didn’t have a block feature and that basically provided pathways of opportunities for them. I guess I felt that by dumping those sites altogether, I would be letting them control me and therefore they would win. I think I also wanted to provide them with a chance to really incriminate themselves at times. But these days I wouldn’t give a shit if you wrote that I was a mass murderer using my full name or even if you directly threatened me because words are just words and I’m not one to run to the cops, not that I trust them much, over stuff people say or write. Also, most sites have block features nowadays and the few that don’t, well, no site is so valuable to me that I would have to put up with anyone’s shit in order to keep using it. Unless someone were to physically force their presence on me by kicking my door down, all trolls are easy enough to avoid on almost any site, including email and phone services. So…as quickly as you unzip your mouth, I can zip it right back up for you in a heartbeat. :-)

I had a nightmare in which I’m certain something bad happened to me but I don’t remember what. It was bad enough to wake me up and it’s too bad I don’t remember so I can have a sense of what shit I might be in for that would almost certainly be some physical problem.

I do remember a dream where Bob and Virginia were supposedly in jail for many years but “jail” looked just like their house does. I don’t know what they got in trouble for but they were allowed to take their house to jail, haha.

Then there was some dream about the three of us running our hands over some bundles of yarn and marveling at how soft they were.

For now, I should quit being lazy and try to coax myself into working out because chances are I’m going to be too tired to work out tomorrow after having my sleep disturbed numerous times. I wish they would come early at 8 o’clock like they did a couple of weeks ago but I’m sure that was a fluke.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 7, 2018 I love my cousin Norma. She’s a very sweet lady and all that but damn does she drive me crazy with all the negativity! All her posts are negative and the more I get to know her, the more I’m surprised at just how judgemental she truly is. She’s just as judgemental as I can be but in a different way. She has this bleeding heart for blacks and Muslims that most “politically correct” people have these days and it just gets old. I get tired of these troublemaking groups getting so much praise and pity that most of them simply don’t deserve. I almost felt a little offended when I confided in her how I was legally discriminated against by blacks (oh, it wasn’t just in retaliation for the city complaint), and she couldn’t seem to accept that yes, whites really do sometimes get discriminated against by blacks. The media just doesn’t focus on those cases nearly as much as when it’s the other way around. I kind of get that if you haven’t experienced something firsthand it may be harder to fathom, but that doesn’t mean that these things don’t happen or that I wasn’t just as much of a victim as some of them are even though the media won’t tell you that and you might not get how that’s possible in a world that believes blacks can do no wrong… Ever.

I “snoozed” Norma for 30 days. Again, I love the woman but the constant negativity, regardless of the subject matter, has a way of bringing just about anyone down. She’s got to be pretty miserable herself. How can she not be? I realize she lost her husband which doesn’t exactly put one in a great frame of mind but she was like this before Milt died. As I learned a long time ago, the more we focus on negative things or things we can’t change, the more depressed, angry and frustrated we feel. She’s in her late 80s. I would want to spend whatever time I had left surrounding myself with goodness and positivity. But it’s her life and she has to live it as she sees fit. Meanwhile, I don’t have to hear it every day. :-) That’s what the ‘unfollow’ and ‘snooze’ buttons are for. I get that it’s human nature and that we all get a little repetitious at times, but I would still rather avoid regular negativity as much as possible.

I’m only sharing this with Tammy because I trust that she’ll keep it between us. No need to hurt anyone’s feelings when it’s easy enough to ignore people, just like some people may want to ignore me and all my rats. :-)

Aly DM’d me to say that Jase thinks she should get the transplant done but is worried she would be in the hospital for three weeks.

But if it’s going to help her in the long run, it may be a good idea. I’m not an expert and I don’t know all the details but she said that transfusions are time-consuming as well. Maybe the transplants will lessen her likelihood of having to have transfusions and other medications with nasty side effects as well.

Anyway, I’m still looking forward to meeting the highly creative, intelligent and androgynous “Agent P” come September!

TUESDAY, MARCH 6, 2018 We’ve all gotten scams from phishers pretending to be from companies we’re familiar with like banks, major websites, and other things like that saying we need to log in to “verify” and update our information, but I was surprised to get what I’m pretty sure is a scam in the guise of my medical group. I was smart enough not to click the link and give out any information. Besides, this thing actually wanted me to create a new account and the link wasn’t the same as for their site. The only thing that was different about this scam was that there weren’t the usual misspellings and poor punctuation and grammar that you usually find with most scams. I’m not going to do anything about it, though. All my info is up-to-date and if it’s really them and they really want to verify my info, they can call me.

The question is why anybody would want medical info if it is a scam? That’s all that would be there. Not any credit card info but just health info. I also wonder how they knew this was my medical group. Did they just send the same thing to tons of people or is it aimed at me personally? I don’t think it’s just me but if anyone out there is that curious, I’m relatively healthy. I have Hashimoto’s, a little anxiety from perimenopause that’s getting closer to menopause, and sometimes my BP is a little high. Same with my white blood cells and cholesterol. Oh, and I’m a little heavy too, but not much right now. I’m pretty fit for one in her 50s and I rarely get colds and almost never get the flu. I’ve only puked once this millennium and had just one infection this millennium (dental). Happy now? :-)

Nothing from Amazon today. Gee, what a surprise. I’ll have to decide whether or not to temporarily unpublish the book which will delete the negative review or just leave it there since no one likes everything and it doesn’t seem to be affecting sales. No one in the arts and entertainment can please everyone so yeah, it can stay.

Something from FedEx came today although it wasn’t for us. When we Googled the address it showed our house but Google doesn’t always get it right. I took the package next door and asked if they knew who the person could be and they had no idea. Being an even number we knew it was the inner circle. Virginia asked if it was flowers or Sees Candy, saying it would be worth keeping in that case. LOL, nope. Just a car part.

Their place looked beautiful and immaculate as always, and Bob had a rifle by the door. I don’t know much about guns so it could’ve been a pellet gun or a shotgun (but then aren’t those the same thing?) Or something else. I can only say that it was long and definitely not a handgun. Or an assault rifle for that matter. Hmm… Does he have it for protection or is he a hunter? This is one of the unlikeliest places you would need to protect yourself from a home invasion and it seems too big for protection, so I’m guessing the latter.

Tom contacted FedEx who said they would pick the package up but they haven’t yet. If it’s still here late tomorrow then I’ll do their damn job for them and give it to the proper house. It’s just beyond Geri.

Wanting to see exactly whose house is up for sale down the street, we decided to walk around the circle. It is Ray’s. Yay, if he’s the one with the loud mutt that’s been annoying for years every time it’s walked. Never cared for the guy either.

Oh, the rules people love to break here. Someone further down the street has three dogs when you’re only supposed to have two here. They’re very tiny and I don’t think they’ve ever been annoying, so people can break all the rules they want as long as it doesn’t affect me. Maybe someone was visiting with one of them though I doubt it.

Again my dreams were too vague to really know what to make of them. A quick flash of me looking at a picture of feet on pointe with bright pink ballet slippers that were hanging on Tammy’s wall. Me touching an exterior wall in some living room and noticing it was warm because it was hot out.

I feel a bit wound up tonight. My heart was racing earlier, though I’m not actually being “stabbed” in the chest with anxiety. I thought part of it may have been because I was running around, lifting heavy stuff, and then it got a little warm in here as well. Or maybe it’s still the peri. The fact that my heart hasn’t raced me awake for a while and the fact that I’m sleeping better (along with how long it’s been) tells me I’m getting close to menopause. But then why do I still have some anxiety? That can’t be a good sign. I still worry that my meds are part of the problem.

Aly, who had a bone marrow biopsy a couple of years ago which she says is very painful, is hoping to avoid having to have another one. Where my white blood cell count numbers range from 11-13, hers range from 19-21. I know she’s had transfusions as well as some medication called cyclosporine. She says a bone marrow transplant is the absolute last resort as it probably wouldn’t be covered. I just hope to hell that whatever the bad things are in her blood they don’t turn into leukemia. Unfortunately, I think I read that it usually does. If that’s the case then hopefully that’s many, many years away. The hematologist I saw said that it’s something that starts up slowly then quickly escalates. But I’m 14 years older and my numbers are lower. Mine aren’t likely to get any higher. My dreams haven’t hinted at anything worth worrying about either.

MONDAY, MARCH 5, 2018 Nothing like sipping a cup of Butterscotch Blondie tea while dealing with a bunch of incompetent idiots at Amazon Publishing. Yeah, the perfect way to spend the day. eye roll They replied to the message I sent asking how someone could leave a review, negative or not, on an item that didn’t yet seem to be purchased or borrowed and what do I get? A reply saying they’re forwarding my information about having the review taken down.

I didn’t ask for it to be taken down. I asked why people can review things they didn’t buy. This isn’t the first time I’ve gotten nowhere with them and left feeling frustrated. Funny too, because the whole idea of self-publishing through them was so that I wouldn’t have to deal with headaches like this. I didn’t want the pressures of contracts or someone else to do my editing for me and pick out my book covers. I wanted to go at my own pace and have more say in things without the deadlines and other bullshit. But apparently, you can’t get straight, helpful, sensible answers this way.

I finished watching the latest season of Bates Motel. It was fantastic. I try to imagine a real-life person with MPD and I just can’t do it. I don’t see how it’s possible to suddenly believe you’re all these different people while “yourself” isn’t even aware of it. To me, it seems like little more than just one big act either for fun, sympathy, or to try to get out of a bad situation like some people do that conveniently claim amnesia when questioned by the police. Amnesia is an easy scapegoat and I can see where MPD would be as well. Like blaming something on an evil twin, it just seems like a bunch of hogwash. Like I could have been someone else - anyone else - a half hour ago and not know it. Yeah, right! Really, the shrinks who fall for this shit and suggest it as a possibility are just as bad as the patients putting on these acts for whatever reason they’re putting them on for.

Now that I’m caught up on Bates Motel, I’m watching the 18th year of Law & Order SVU. The cast is getting up there in years but still looking good.

Last night I had another dream that again made me question the possibility of parallel lives, but unfortunately, I can’t remember it.

I know we sometimes have reflection dreams that are influenced by life events reflected in our dreams. Like if we worry about money, we’re likely to dream about money. But why have I had so many dream premonitions? I wonder what that’s all about and what causes these things to happen. And why are some of us more prone to them than others?

Aly and I decided to tell Kim about Curious Cat and she joined earlier. Maybe she’ll liven it up a bit even though we know she’ll ask the same old questions that she already knows the answers to. But will she send the same nasty questions she did on Ask? My guess is no. Not at this point.

I don’t know if Aly is a hypochondriac or just cursed in the health department. I’m guessing maybe both, but either way, she’s hoping not to have to have a bone marrow biopsy. It’s both painful and not likely to be covered by her insurance. Again, I can’t believe this world we live in. If you get in trouble, you get a free lawyer (a joke of one or not) but if you can’t afford life-saving medical treatment, you die. Makes me wonder… What if I’d gotten cancer when we were uninsured? Would I be dead now?

SUNDAY, MARCH 4, 2018 Got some air freshener, a round decorative rock with gold paint and sequins, and a pink gemstone-tipped pen at the dollar store. I could use the rock for hot plates and pots as well as for decoration.

We stopped at McDonald’s before the dollar store where he got a burger and I got chicken nuggets. It was good even though it was a bit of a wait.

When we came home we hemmed my new purple sweatpants with fabric glue, and other than some sawing and engine gunning, it’s been a pretty quiet day. Still a lot of loud vehicles, though. I still don’t get why there are so many. It’s so unnecessary with today’s technology yet Tom said they passed some ordinances against vehicles that are too quiet in some places for pedestrians’ safety. rolls eyes If you’re dumb enough to cross the street without looking first then you’re kind of asking to be hit.

Remember how I said several entries ago that a few people attempted to leave good reviews on my books and they wouldn’t go through? Well, apparently I’m only allowed visible reviews as long as they’re only one star. Yeah, “Written in a very elementary manner,” someone going by M wrote on Campus Games. Funny too, because when I read the half a dozen other reviews they’ve left, most of which are also one star, they weren’t exactly a very good writer themselves given their lack of punctuation and caps.

Kind of wonder if it’s Maliheh or someone connected to her. She wasn’t a reader but that’s the thing; you don’t have to actually purchase the item in order to review it.

Either way, I get that everyone gets negative reviews at times and I’m okay with that because I don’t think negative feedback is going to affect my sales one way or the other any more than positive feedback because I’m not famous…or infamous.

I replied with: I’m sorry you didn’t like the book. No one’s ever said (at least to me) that I write in an elementary manner, and I’m pretty sure Amazon wouldn’t publish me if they felt that I did, but I understand that one style doesn’t fit all and that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. Still, I thank you very much for giving it a try!

I got to thinking about the negative book review and then it hit me… How does someone leave a review on a book that hasn’t had any purchases or borrows yet, according to my book reports? Campus Games is a newly released book. Maybe if it’s lent to someone the buyer knows it can escape my reports or something like that? I don’t know, but out of curiosity, I sent a message to Amazon asking if it’s possible that not every borrow or lend shows up on my report.

I’m really starting to suspect it could be Maliheh. They go by just “M,” they have no profile picture, and the few things that have been reviewed by them do seem like things she may get. The poor writing style fits in with her as well. The first review goes back to last August.

But if it’s her, why that book and not the one she inspired? Maybe the idea was to “punish” me with negative feedback for the email I sent her teasing her about using her real name in Evil, and to throw me off her scent by leaving the review on a different book. It’s not important either way but being the naturally curious person that I am, I can’t help but wonder if it’s someone I know. The biggest mystery is how the hell they reviewed something that’s not showing up on my reports. I wish Amazon wouldn’t allow anything to be reviewed without a verified purchase.

Anyway, if this was an honest-to-god review and not just someone messing with me, I will admit that I first wrote this particular story in 2004 when I wasn’t as experienced as a writer as I am now. But I thought I did some pretty serious editing on it before submitting it.

Anyway, it’s been absolutely freezing. I feel like I’ve been freezing my ass off for many months. I wish it would hurry the fuck up and warm up already! It is going to be warm enough for motorcycles next weekend which sucks because I’m going to be sleeping in at that time as I flip my schedule for my appointments. Chances are I’m going to be woken up that day and probably Friday too when the trash and green waste trucks make their way in. I swear I’m never again going to have a bedroom so close to a busy street or any street for that matter! As I was telling Tammy, forget trying to find quiet. Quiet just wasn’t meant to be for me. But I can definitely do better than this and no possible friendship with Kathleen is worth sticking around for. I don’t even know what “let’s keep in touch” means. Does it mean “let’s get together once or twice a month” or “send me a Christmas card every year to let me know how the year was for you?” Tom thinks it’s the latter. It doesn’t matter anymore. I’m fine with whatever she wants. I’m just tired of being cold so much of the time!

But not as tired as I am of the anxiety. I started to feel it well up in my chest earlier, but a cup of Sleepytime seemed to help it. Tom thinks it’s simply because it’s Sunday night and I wish he were right, but if it’s anxiety over anything that’s going on, then why didn’t I have this feeling when we were struggling financially? I know it’s tied in with either the medication or the perimenopause, I just don’t know which one is most responsible for this shitty feeling. Maybe all those articles really have a point too, when they talk about how fast food and sugary treats induce anxiety. I’ve had two candy bars these last two days, plus I went to McDonald’s.

Now I’m going through the dilemma of whether or not I should skip tomorrow or just see if I can tough it out and see how bad it ends up getting. If I could just tough it out, I could lose an easy 5 to 10 lb. But there is no reasoning with myself once it gets to the point where my heart is racing and I’m terrified. Once it goes from a shitty feeling to a scary one, I’m pretty much fucked and it’s no way to live. I’d rather gain weight than go through that. So I guess I might skip tomorrow or at least cut my waiting time in half.

Another dilemma I’ll be facing in June is whether or not to tell A that I’m going to skip weekly to prevent this from happening in the first place or ask that she lower my dose.

If I can make it to the end of the month without a period then that will mean I’ve had just one in 9 months. Really wish I could get to November without any periods because then I’ll know for sure if it’s the meds or not making me anxious. It will be interesting to see what my estrogen levels are when I’m tested in June. I keep going back and forth in my mind between the causes. Both the meds and the peri make sense but they also don’t.

While I’m on the subject of life’s little mysteries, how about peeling back in time to 1996? Pretty sure they said in court it was something like 1996 or 7 that I sent the freeloaders the threatening letter but that they didn’t have enough evidence to go after me then. Then how does sending journal excerpts suddenly turn an incident that’s lacking in evidence into an incident that has sufficient evidence???

I’ve been feeling more and more alienated by Tammy even though I know I shouldn’t. For all I know she doesn’t contact many others any more than she does me, and with us not having much in common and her not being the greatest writer and therefore easy to understand, it’s probably better this way. But how much does she really want me around? As in near where she lives? Maybe the fact that she doesn’t pester me online shows that she wouldn’t do that in person either. It’s just that she can’t get from me online what she could get from me in person. She had me babysit for her, for example, those few months I lived in Connecticut. Had the Internet existed then, she couldn’t have used me to babysit online. The only way to know what she’s going to do is to live close to her if we do.

When Alexa told me that Ocala was 40° last night, that pretty much got that place off the table of possibilities. That’s almost as cold as it is here. It was 55° in Cape Canaveral and 59° where Tammy lives as well as in Fort Lauderdale. Now that’s more like it! It really would be best to get as close to the coast as we can afford and not go too far north.

I was quick to say we probably couldn’t afford the high-rise apartments on the beach my parents lived near while we were looking for a place and deciding exactly what town/city to settle in, but maybe we could if it included utilities.

I also wonder… Is Tammy’s place really that much quieter than this place or does she just not notice noise as easily as I do? I’m very hyper-aware of sounds. I didn’t hear anything the times I was visiting but I was only there for a tiny fraction of the time she is. Maybe we just have different definitions of what’s noisy and what’s not because she said there were some trucks that use diesel but because they’re going so slow they’re not that loud. Well, they sure are loud enough here even when they’re sitting there idling. I realize that everybody has their own tolerance levels when it comes to noise. Obviously, most people don’t mind loud car stereos otherwise they wouldn’t still exist after all these years. But when I hear them booming down the freeway, I most certainly do notice them, deaf in one ear or not, and I definitely consider it noisy. Most people might have considered all the frogs in Auburn ribbiting up a storm after a rainstorm to be a noise nuisance, and while they were definitely just as loud as Jesse’s mutts, they didn’t bother me in the least.

SATURDAY, MARCH 3, 2018 Got some new flavored teas I’m looking forward to trying like chocolate, butterscotch, and Vermont maple ginger.

Right now I’m waiting till my vegan spinach pizza is ready and totally agree with Tom that it will be nice to have Amazon deliver groceries once that becomes available in Citrus Heights. Walmart is constantly going out of stock and there are always issues with their system. You would think they would be able to afford to be more functional and consistent but I guess they just don’t care to be. For now, we may check into Raley’s home delivery service even though Raley’s is more expensive.

Again I mulled over in my mind all the pros and cons of moving while he still working versus waiting until he’s retired. The smart thing to do would definitely be to wait until he’s retired, but like most people, we don’t always do what’s smart.

I have two dilemmas I’m facing. To do smart or stupid, and to do close to Tammy versus not so close. This may be a horrible thing to say, but a part of me wishes she would die now so she would not only stop suffering but also so that I wouldn’t have such a hard decision to make.

Haven’t heard much from Tammy since she last picked up my messages about a week ago. She usually only picks them up once a week. I still wonder if she gets them all to begin with because I asked her about her test before the last time she picked up my messages and still haven’t gotten a response. Oh well. She will update me when she’s ready. The dreams I had a while back about her really don’t surprise me much. People don’t just suddenly up and lose their appetite for shits and giggles. I’m guessing it’s a side effect of some medication she’s on, and she’s practically on a whole pharmacy’s worth. Plus there was that dream even further back where she was really frail. I know I told her about it, too. At 60, she’ll likely live for another 20-25 years, so hopefully they’ve been able to find something to lessen her pain so she can be more active. The weight loss should help with that.

That loud car has been coming around more after not being around for weeks. I hope it isn’t thinking of returning anytime soon.

Alexa lost her mind yesterday and wouldn’t listen when I commanded her to turn the lights on in certain rooms and then I found her trending on Facebook, so I knew they were having issues. They fixed it soon enough, but in the meantime, Tom said he was considering turning lights on and off from his phone when he was at work as a prank on me. LOL, I thought only I considered pranks like that.

Texted with my bestie yesterday and noticed it didn’t even feel like there had been a nearly two-year gap in our friendship. We carried on as usual and it was nice. I definitely missed her and would look at my phone with a sense of loneliness during that gap.

Was running journals through Grammarly when I came across the time I surprised Kim from jail with a letter. Remembering that she was released in January of 2017, I ran her name out of curiosity, and sure enough, she went back in last fall for another 3-year stint and won’t be out until 2021, 2022 at the latest. Same shit… narcotics. She’s lost weight and looks horrible as do most druggies.

Now, this is someone who genuinely wants to be in prison. This is her third time in that I know of and she’s now 40 years old. She’s got to have spent around half of her adult years locked up. It’s sad but true that many people prefer the prison life where they don’t have to worry about bills and where everything is done for them despite their loss of freedom and options. She probably found it very hard to make her own decisions when she was last out being so used to having them made for her and struggling to survive on her own. After all, as a career criminal, you can’t exactly get a decent job anywhere. I feel bad for the two kids she said she had (probably has more by now) because she basically chose crime over them.

Last night I dreamed that it was late at night and Maliheh was driving me home. Andy was with us. We were all sitting in the front seat with her at the wheel and Andy between us. I had an apartment somewhere and when I got to my building, I had to punch in a four-digit code in order to activate the elevator that would bring me to my apartment. But once I got to the keypad I realized I’d forgotten the code. I was pissed because it was too late for the office to be open that was on the ground floor.

Strangely enough, when I woke up in real life, Tom was asking me what the four-digit code was for one of our tablets.

In the second dream, I also didn’t seem to know Tom but my parents were still alive. I was telling Andy over the phone that I won 33 million dollars and that the dream house I always wanted was going to happen. I just didn’t know where or when. I was to meet with my parents in some building that night to pick up the money which was to be in bundles of cash. At that time I planned to surprise each family member with a million bucks of their own.

Gia’s (I have the Gia head on this month) make-up remover arrived today and I am totally amazed by how well it works! Really thought the stain on her leg from the lipstick I put on her nails would be permanent. With Tom’s help, we removed most of it from her nails focusing mainly around the cuticle area, and then I applied gorgeous bright neon falsies. The ring fingers have colorful fractals swirl accents, and the rest are bright orange like those cones they put in the street when they’re going to do road construction or something. They really show up well, even in dim lighting. These look much better on her than the black matte nails with the silvery accents. Those are what I’m going to be wearing to my appointments in a few weeks.

Kim is still ranting about her bossy sister-in-law and spineless sister and what a pain in the ass it is to watch their new dog and her two-year-old niece. Her niece’s mother just had a baby boy, so the girl is staying with them for a few days and Kim’s not too happy about it. I don’t know if she just doesn’t like kids or if she’s jealous of the attention it takes away from her or what. I would think she would want the attention taken away from her, especially since the sister-in-law threatened to break her computer if she breaks any of the collectibles in the hutch. She went on quite a long angry rant in her journal and Aly sometimes gets sick of hearing the same shit from her and how she never contacts her just to say hi. Kim seems to be hounded for everything… Her noises, whatever those may be. Going up and down stairs on one leg, however possible that may be. Being clumsy. Lying. Not cleaning properly…

Aly has various health issues, mainly eczema-related, but is otherwise doing okay.

Kathleen is still a bit of a mystery to me. I still wonder what the catch is. Why am I suddenly “allowed” to have someone like her in my life? She’s either going to change her mind or we’re going to move when and if she really does mean it when she says she wants to keep in touch and that I’m “in her heart,” LOL. If she’s waiting until she’s officially retired so that there is no longer any business connection between us, then that may very well be close to when we’re moving. I always thought it an odd coincidence that anyone I really like seems to move if we don’t. Well, if there is anything up there controlling how close I get to any of these people, then she’s either going to pull away from me or not contact me for nonbusiness reasons until we’re gone or close to it. Since we’re probably going to choose stupid over smart, we could be out of here in 2019, the year she retires.

Tammy is also a mystery. She’s healthy enough to log in almost every day on Facebook and sometimes she sounds perfectly normal when we talk. I guess I have no reason to assume she can’t make it well into her 70s and maybe even her 80s. Unless a heart attack sneaks up on her anytime soon, which isn’t likely since they’re monitoring her closely, or she gets aggressive cancer that takes off quickly, I would think she still has many years ahead, painful or not.

Tom is also doing his best to cut his sugar intake back and he is once again back on the Bowflex.

Been sampling my new flavored teas today. I’d give the Vermont maple ginger about a 5 or 6. The chocolate is about a 7, and the butterscotch is a definite 9, almost 10.

We didn’t do too much today because it’s good for us to take a day off on weekends when we can. Tomorrow we need to go out and pick some things up that Walmart didn’t have, plus the rats need more treats. We’ll probably eat out along the way, too.

FRIDAY, MARCH 2, 2018 Be it for ethical or dietary reasons, when I think of vegans I think of them not eating meat, but then I realize it’s more than just that. They also don’t have cheese, milk or eggs. Anything from animals is forbidden. I think I’m too metabolically fucked for a vegan diet to cause me to lose weight but I’m definitely interested in giving it a try for a while for its overall health benefits. If it can improve my cholesterol and reduce anxiety when I have it, why not? I won’t do it forever because I couldn’t give up meat for the rest of my life any more than I could give up sugar for the rest of my life, but I’ll try most things once at least for a while. The only thing I won’t eliminate is my coffee creamer.

So I guess I will be making this my last non-vegan week and will continue to do research and get recipe ideas. The thing is that I hate to cook. However, vegan recipes may be a little less complicated and not as time-consuming. Chai pancakes? Hmm… Sounds interesting!

Except for yogurt, I’ve never been big on dairy, especially milk, because it makes my stomach gassy. I may have to take Beano in order to handle the beans and roughage better if I’m going to be having more of that kind of thing. Either way, I will be looking for plant-based ideas and thinking beans, seeds, nuts, fruits, veggies and tofu.

During yesterday’s wind-driven rain, I heard a loud crash but when I ran outside and checked around the house, I didn’t see anything. Nothing seemed to have fallen inside the house either.

Although still cloudy and cool, it cleared up enough today that I could walk down to the lake. A small tree got taken out in the storm down there because someone was cutting it up. They’re also trimming the palm tree in back by the house that’s for sale. There’s always something going on around here when it’s not storming, but the air cleaner that’s sitting on the desk helps to drown some of it out.

It could rain anytime until midnight and it’s supposed to be rainy tomorrow, too.

My incense and color-changing nail polish arrived. Not all that impressed with the polish but I got an awesome selection of incense and she threw in some extras just like she did last time. The only ones I don’t care for are Yucca and Sage. Their version of Opium and Wet Kisses are to die for. Witch Doctor, Strawberry Fields, Egyptian Musk and so many others are awesome. Someone asked what Obama smells like, and it’s got a very rich woodsy smell.

Last night I dreamed that Stacey bought me a bedroom furniture set. I don’t know why but it was supposedly a gift for doing her some kind of favor. There was a tall dresser, a long dresser, and then a nightstand that we chose to put in an office somewhere. I was looking for my camera to take pictures of the furniture setup that I wanted to show her on Facebook, but couldn’t seem to find my camera.

THURSDAY, MARCH 1, 2018 Woke up to lots of rain and wind today. I can hear the wind howling at times but this is just what our drought-stricken state desperately needs. I love how quiet things are because of it, too. Even the traffic is quiet.

I pushed my potted cactus into the rain for a while.

As much as we may need the rain and as much as I like the quiet it brings, I really do miss the heat and swimming and all that stuff. I miss running around barefoot in shorts and tank tops. I hate being confined to long sleeves, robes, slippers, and hoodies. The less I have to wear, the better.

The only dream I remember from last night was Tom waiting for me in a parked car out in a rural area. It looked like he was parked alongside a cornfield or a wheat field of some kind. I was walking through a narrow path between the tall grasses and heading to the paved road that the car was sitting on. As I stepped out of the clearing, I glanced to the right and saw a brown bear about 30 feet away. By some miracle, I managed not to freak out as I casually but quickly made my way to the car which was on my left about 20 feet away. I was able to get into the car without the bear giving chase. Once I shut the door I shouted for him to go, and he looked up from something he had been reading and asked why. I looked out the windshield and saw that the bear was gone.

[myhockeyworld87]

Frisky for a Fight - Jamie Benn

Word Count: 3,250

POV: Reader

Warnings: NSFW, Language, Smut

Notes: So watching Jamie Benn fight the other night was just a turn on for me and I ended up writing a little something for it. I decided to use the reader from Ruined, hope you guys don’t care. As always I love to hear your feedback. Happy Reading!!!

(Also not my pic)

You didn’t see the exchange between Zadorov and Dellandrea, only the commentary from the announcers that the young pup had made a hit on the Blackhawk, and then words were exchanged. The television was always on in the training room for you to watch the game if, you weren't on the ramp. You’d been marking down a few things in your charts after taking care of a couple of the guys during intermission, which is why you missed Jamie drop the gloves when play resumed. As soon as you heard them say that, you picked your head up to see the exchange.

You had a love-hate relationship with Jamie fighting, always had. On the one hand, you hated it, because there was always this risk of him getting hurt. While on the other, you found it incredibly sexy. There was just something about seeing him all angry and fired up, that just did things to you, and this fight was definitely doing it to you now. Which was wrong, so wrong. Your panties she should not be getting wet at this moment, but the minute he threw that left uppercut right into Zadorv’s face, you felt your pussy clench.

The fight only last seconds, as the refs came in and broke it up rather quickly after that. You watched Jamie, skate over to the penalty box taking off his helmet, pushing his hair back once he got in, giving you a chance to see what the damage was to his face. Thankfully, there didn’t seem to be any, but you wouldn’t be able to tell until the second intermission which was a while away. There was no point in making yourself suffer, so you headed up towards the bench to see if you could get a closer look without seeming to be hovering over him.

You stood there on the runway, leaning against the wall arms folded as you waited. Jamie saw you staring, could tell by your stance you weren’t pleased that he’d got into another fight, though it was the first of the shortened season. He knew he’d be in for an earful the second the period ended. You kept staring at him over there in that box, all the while Jamie was fretting. Not about dealing with Bones, he knew his coach wouldn’t give him too much hell, but you; you were a different story and the last person he wanted to displease.

When they finally released him and he skated over to the bench to the sound of sticks taping once again cheering him on, you were able to assess the damage. He looked good, nothing seemed to be bruising or swelling, though he should probably get some ice on those knuckles; just for preventative measures. Jamie's eyes darted around to all his teammates before they laid square on you. His signature puppy dog's eyes coming out to tell you he was sorry. You simply shook your head and made your way back to the training room.

Bones talked to guys briefly after the second period before you went in. “So how bad are you?” you asked, grabbing his hands to see the damage. There were a few scraps but nothing that was bleeding or needing attention.

“I’m fine.” He snipped back, earning a disapproving glare from you. He could fight all he wanted with them, but he would not be picking one with you.

“I can see that,” you retorted. “Put some ice on those before they swell.” The guys went about their usual intermission break, making changes here and there with plays, and pointing out weaknesses they could try and capitalize on. All while guzzling Gatorade and something to give them a bit more energy in the third. Everyone started to filter back to the bench as the reprieve was over while Jamie lingered behind.

“Sorry I was snippy before. I just thought you were going to yell at me for fighting.”

“As long as you’re not hurt. I have no need to yell.” You shrugged off the matter, not wanting to get into how the whole thing actually made you dripping wet. He turned to head back down the ramp and out to the bench, a sulking look on his face as if he didn't believe that you were mad at him. "Jame," you yelled out, making sure there weren't too many prying eyes around before you grabbed him and kissed him hard on the mouth. "I'm not encouraging you to fight again, but I was very turned on by that punch to Zadorov's face." You couldn't let him go back out on the ice in a brooding mood, or he'd definitely be dropping the gloves in the third.

"Really?" His eyes perked up, and there was a distinct sparkle to them. One that you'd seen many times as before right before he ripped your clothes off, though that wouldn't be happening here.

"Yes, but if you do it again; you won’t be finding out exactly how wet I am,” you whispered, before swatting at his padded ass. “Now get back out there, captain.” The smile on his face told you, that you didn’t need to worry about him fighting the rest of the game, as he made his way back onto the ice; a little more pep in his step than before.

For the rest of the game, Jamie seemed to behave himself. There might have been an unnecessary check here and quite possibly a shove that wasn’t needed there, but at least his fists weren’t flying into anyone’s face. The game didn’t end how they hoped, as the Stars fell to Chicago. After a few words from coach, some of the guys, including Jamie, headed over to do media. You saw him roll his eyes at having to sit through what he considered the worst form of torture. It was even more so that, now that he knew how turned on you were after his fight. He was definitely distracted as the reporters fired off a few questions, little did they know where his mind actually was.

You finished cleaning up the training room, letting the athletic trainers go early as you waited for Jamie to finish up. He was just finishing buttoning up his shirt when you walked into the locker room. He spied you and his hands immediately stopped, leaving a good four buttons hanging undone. “So you found that little fight sexy, eh?”

There was no one else in the locker room as everyone else had left. So, you were free to saunter up to him and slide your hands up his torso until you could feel his exposed chest. “I’ll admit it was kind of hot.”

“Just kind of?” He grabbed your waist, pressing your body intimately to his where you could feel his erection.

“Well, I guess there’s only one way to find out.” His eyebrows lifted at your suggestion, while his hands roamed down the cheeks of your ass, gathering the fabric of your skirt as he went. It was nothing new for the two of you to get a little frisky when no one else was around. Jamie admitting once that he always wanted to have sex on his locker stall, was all it took to make that fantasy a reality, and while it didn’t happen often, it had happened a couple of times.

His hands worked the globes of your ass, the cool air hitting them as he hiked your skirt up to your waist. Fingers shifting, you felt him move to your core, where you knew he’d find your panties moist. “Fuck baby, have you been this wet since the second?”

“Uh huh,” you moaned before kissing him hard. To your surprise, Jamie moved his hand away and started shimming your skirt back down your lips. “Aren't we…” He didn’t let you finish, just grabbed your hand and headed out of the locker room. You knew you weren’t headed to the car, as he left his jacket hanging. “Where are we going?”

“I’m feeling frisky tonight.”

“I gathered that when you dropped the gloves.” He rolled his eyes as he looked back at you.

When he headed up the ramp that led to the bench, you pulled back on his hand. “Everyone’s gone.” He told you, and while you knew that all of the players and coaches weren’t there, there were still people that worked in the arena milling about. “Come on babe, trust me. Unless you just want to wait until we’re home?” His free hand, snuck between your thighs, letting his fingers dance along your folds.

You moaned in frustration. There wasn’t really a choice here. “No, I don’t.” The minutes the words were out of your mouth, he had your feet moving again. The arena was dark, except for the emergency lighting that dimly lit up the place. Shockingly, he opened the door to the ice though and stepped out onto it.

He picked you up and carried you across to the penalty box before you could even ask where you were going. “I couldn’t stop thinking about taking you here all third period. I’d like to say overtime too, but I was trying to concentrate on the game then.” You laughed, the sound echoing through the building, which made you immediately quiet again. “Thought we could actually do some sinning in this bin.”

He set you down inside the box first before coming behind you and closing the door. The wicked gleam in his eye matched the smirk on your face and the next thing you knew he was shoving you up against the glass, his mouth hot and heavy on yours. Your hands scrambled to undo his shirttails, while he shoved your jacket off your shoulders. His mouth was everywhere, on your lips and on your neck as they made their way down to your breasts. Jamie sucked on a perk nipple through the fabric of your blouse; your back arching into him.

You were so lost in the sensation of his lips that you didn’t realize the loud moan that escaped you.  “Shh,” Jamie hushed before capturing your lips with his. Regaining some of your senses, you quickly undid his belt buckle, before sliding the zipper of his pants down. If you were going to do this you might as well, live out a little fantasy of your own. You pushed back on Jamie’s chest, causing him to pull back in question.

“Since we’re sinning. There’s a little something I’ve always wanted to do to you here.” Pushing both his pants and boxers down to his knees, you backed him up to the bench, where he sat only hours ago for fighting. As you stared over at him earlier your mind had wanted to do one thing and now you had the opportunity. He sat down hard with just a simple push of your hand. His legs spreading immediately, as you sunk down to your knees. You wasted no time, letting your hand drift up his thighs, before guiding his cock into your mouth.

Jamie hissed out his pleasure. His hand threading through your hair as you sunk down on him. “Fuck baby, that feels so good.” You heard his head hit the back of the glass, as he hit the back of your throat. You worked the length of him in and out of your mouth. Part of you wished that the camera that was there was on, recording this. You wanted to see Jamie caught up in ecstasy as you worked your magic on him, but that would have to be for another time. He gathered your locks into a loose ponytail so he could watch you bob up and down on his cock. “Jesus, you look so beautiful.” They were whispered words of praise that went straight to your core.

When you hollowed out your cheeks, his head fell back once again against the plexiglass. It was then that you picked up speed and added a little hum. The vibrations sending Jamie almost spiraling to the point of no return, but he held it together even though his hips lifted off the bench. He was close. You could feel it in the way that his balls tightened under your touch and the way he seemed to almost let go completely. He held on by a small single thread and you knew it was because he didn’t want to spend in your mouth. He wanted to be buried deep inside your pussy when he finally came.

There was both disappointment and relief in his eyes as you released him with a pop; saliva and precum dripping from your mouth. He lifted you off the ground, then brought your mouth to his in a soul-searing kiss. “Fuck baby, you’re so good to me.” His hands worked the fabric of your skirt again, the cold of the ice making you shiver. Jamie hooked his fingers in the strings of your panties and ripped them off your body. You wanted to chide him for being so careless with the lace garment but that sheer animal magnetism of the action drew you to him even more.

You straddled him. Legs on both sides of his hips, as you slowly guided his member to your pussy. The feel of him deep inside you was like no other. It was like coming home and yet something new every single time. You’d been wanting this for the last couple of hours and now here you both were, though you hadn’t imagined it quite like this. Slowly, you swiveled your hips, making both you and Jamie hiss out in pleasure. You began to ride building up a rhythm that you both loved.

Jamie took hold of your hips, helping to steady you as you moved. Vaguely, you realized you pressed a hand to the glass behind Jamie and wondered if the imprint would still be there the next game. Would anyone realized that it wasn’t just someone trying to bang on the glass, but instead it was you being carried away in pure bliss as you rode their captain. Jamie brought you back to reality as he slid the v-neck blouse you wore off one shoulder so he could play with your breast. “I just want to rip this off you.”

“Do it,” you hissed out, knowing that he’d buy you dozens more to replace it. It was harder to tear than the panties but then Jamie was a man on a mission, just like he was earlier. His hands tore at the fabric the same ones that had punched Zadorov only hours ago. Now they were gentler, as they cupped your breast, tweaking and playing with the nipple. You threw your head back, only to have his mouth replace his fingers. He sucked on the turret peak then gently bit down. Your hips shot up, as a rush of wetness flooded Jamie’s cock buried inside you.

Suddenly, Jamie’s hands were on your ass and in one fluid motion he lifted you both up. Instinctively, you wrapped your legs around his waist as your back was pressed against the plexiglass; your heels digging into his ass but he enjoyed the bite. You clung to Jamie as he began to pound his cock into you. Foreheads pressed together, all that could be heard in the arena was the two of you panting as you sought that high you both craved. “Come on baby…” Jamie breathed out. “Cum for me.”

He was holding out, waiting for you and with a shift of his hips, he hit that sweet spot and sent you over the plateau. A silent scream was all that you let out as pleasure coursed through your veins. Jamie tucked his head into your neck, as he thrust a few more times before finding his own release. He held you up against the glass for a minute as your breathing calmed. “Can you stand?”

“I think so.” You’d forgotten about your heels until he set you down on them, but Jamie’s hands lingered on your hips to steady you. Once you regained your balance, you shimmied your skirt back down, while Jamie righted himself as well. “Where are my panties?” you whispered, only the receive a smirk from Jamie. The dim lighting wasn’t really conducive to finding your clothing, which even if it was ripped you still wanted.

Jamie lightly chuckled before he said, “We could always leave them for someone to find.”

“Jamie!” It was a little louder than you intended but you’d be totally mortified if someone on the team found them laying there.

“Is someone out there?” a voice called out shocking you.

“It’s just me Bill,” Jamie yelled to one of the custodians. “I was looking for my mouthguard.” You looked at Jamie questioningly and he just shrugged, as if it was the best he could think of on short notice. When you looked down embarrassed that you’d been caught, you finally saw your torn panties under Jamie’s foot. You shot down and snatched the garment up and shoved it in Jamie’s pocket. “Found it,” he yelled out to Bill. “I’ll be out of here shortly.”

“No problem Cap.” You heard Bill start to leave only to stop short and turn back around. “Hell of fight tonight, Cap. Hope we get to see some more like that this season. It seems to gets everyone riled up.”

“It sure does,” Jamie yelled back at Bill while grabbing your ass at the same time. “It sure does,” he repeated only this time quieter so only you would hear.

“Don’t even think that this is going to be a little habit, Benn.”

“Aww, come on baby. You have to admit it was fun. I don’t think I’ll ever sit in this box again without having a little smile on my face.”

“Well don’t think that this is some kind of reward for fighting because let me tell you; the first time I’m stitching you up because someone planted a facer on you, I already have your punishment in mind and it won't be anything like this.” You opened the door to the penalty box and waited for Jamie to step out and carry you since you had heels on. Which he did of course.

“What kind of punishment.” He queried as you made your way across the ice.

"That’s for me to know and for you to hopefully not find out.”

“This isn’t going to be like when you tried to get me to stop chewing snuff is it?”

“It worked, didn’t it. You don’t chew that shit anymore.”

“No, because if I did you wouldn’t let me near you.” It was true, every time Jamie chewed snuff you made it a point that sex, including kissing and whatnot was off the table, at least until he brushed, flossed, and rinsed with mouthwash. You weren’t sure what Jamie’s punishment was going to be for fighting yet but it would definitely run along those lines. “What happens if they all end up like this?”

Hmm, well that might be an entirely different story, as you were still ready to continue what you started in the sin bin. “Hmmm, I guess we will have to see if it’s still a turn on when it happens again.”

Jamie came up and grabbed your waist hauling you against him. “I’m more interested if you’re still turned on now.”

“Take me home and let’s find out.”  

[thelittleboyfromloveactually]

Two Shorten the Road

part 1

joel dawson x reader

warnings: cussing? idk, bad writing.....fluff, cuteness, monsters(is this a warning), mentions of death, SPOILERS

word count: 2154

prompt: when your best friend decides to leave your colony to go find the love of his life, you decide to join him on his journey even if you aren’t so happy about where this journey is going

Welp I did it, I took it into my own hands. I am writing a joel dawson series. Because we👏need 👏more👏joel👏fics👏 it’s basically the movie, almost the same script but obviously slightly different…ENJOY! <3

No one in my generation or later had a typical upbringing, I mean some of us did but then the world ended. This type of thing sounds straight out of some apocalyptic movie, but we basically live in one now. Agatha 616, an asteroid heading straight for earth, I know, so original. So we all came together and did what we do best, blow things up. Yup, we blew up teh asteroid, and humanity was saved! We thought. But here’s the thing about rockets, they are made of a bunch of chemical compounds which eventually rained back down on earth. Suddenly there were these Aileen creatures that mutated and started eating us. Ants, lizards, roaches, crocodiles, you name it. Our president was even killed by a giant moth. Ya….not so original now huh? We suddenly need tanks to kill ants, oh man I remember the good old days when a shoe would do just fine. Sometimes even the tanks didn’t work. Eventually the really big ones and our military took each other out and we lost 95% of the human population in a year! Those of us who survived hid, bunkers, caves, panic rooms, all around the world. So for the last seven years I’ve been hiding in an underground bunker. It’s really not as bad as it sounds, and it’s better than getting eaten alive. It’s a great group of people and we all love each other.

“Are you sure they’re asleep?”

“Who?”

“Y/N and joel!”

“Oh ya I’m sure”

“Joel? Y/n?”

“He’s asleep”

Actually we are both awake. Me and my best friend joel have kinda mastered faking being asleep. Our beds are right across from each other so we normally just lie there and make stupid faces at each other. We are the only two single people in our bunker. Nice huh? Joel is my best friend. I met him when I joined the colony. He’s the sweetest. It’s funny cause everyone thinks we should just have sex already because that’s literally all everyone else does. But we are way above that. Anyway, joel is in love with his girlfriend from before the colony, her name is Aimee. With one “I” and two “e”s. He loves to talk about her, he writes her letters. So in reality, I am the only one who is not in love in this bunker. I’ve never had a boyfriend, ever, even before the world ended.

We don’t really get any sleep. The moaning kinda keeps us awake. I got up and out of my bed and headed for the kitchen. I heard Joel’s bed creak and then his footsteps as he followed behind me. Another annoying thing about being down here is that to get to the kitchen from my room, you have to walk though other people’s bedrooms. Oh shit, they are busy, why would they leave their door open. Me and Joel stopped.

“Oh” joel and I said in unison

“Hey Y/N! Hey Joel!” Ava said

“Oh hey Ava” Joel said, we didn’t dare look over to our left.

“Y/N how’s it going?” Tim asked

“T-totally good tim, h-how are you doing” I asked

“Yeah, good” he responded

“I uh we couldn’t sleep” said Joel looking at the ceiling

“Ya we know the feeling” Ava said with a laugh

“Yeah probably not for the…..same reasons” joel said looking straight ahead

“Your guyses door was open, did you…did you know that?” I asked

“Yeah we know” they said

I shook my head and knitted my eyebrows together

“Okay” joel trailed off

Ever since Tim’s parents were eaten by a swarm of termites he and Ava have gotten really close, in every way.

“Okay, goodnight” joel said as we walked

Basically everyone is coupled up down here, a baby was born last winter! Welcome to the apocalypse kid. Ok if we ever get out of this, that would be an awesome story to tell your kids. “Oh ya I was born in an underground bunker doing a monster apocalypse” “yes exactly like World War Z but with bugs bigger than a 5 story building”. I mean come on.

So your probably wonder how the hell we get food, we’ll we have a cow. Gurdy. Gurdy is great. We also have a hunting party that brings back whatever they can from the surface. It’s gotten harder and harder, cause we ran out of bullets. And facing one of those things with a handmade weapon is just as hard as it sounds. It’s very very difficult. I go with them….sometimes. I still get scared. But I’ve been out quite a lot, especially compared to my man joel over here. I’ve been out maybe 30 times, he’s been out…maybe once, or not even. He’s the chef of the bunker. He makes super good Minestrone.

Me and joel like to hang out with Mavis. A robot. Yup. Not much for conversation, her batter is shot. Just like every other mavis I would imagine. When I’m not hunting we hang out with her. But sometimes I just go read. Reading and joel keep me sane. I mean sometimes joel drives me insane but I still love him. I have quite the collection of books too! I’ve got Emma by Jane Austen, a couple random ones that we found, all the hunger games and Harry Potter books, some mysteries that stopped being mysteries after a while, and then of course some smutty romance books for personal entertainment.

Joel likes to say that his thing is target practice. He has never hit the target but ya know, gotta entertain yourself. I think his thing is drawing though, he has this book that he draws in from Aimee. It’s really cool actually. He’s really good.

I sat watching Joel as he tried to hit the target, laughing a little every time he missed. It was cute how hard he tried.

“Shut up” he said shaking his laugh away

I laughed again, but then suddenly the lights started flickering. You could hear screeches and creeks echoing through the bunker. Joel turned to look at me. Worry and determination in his eyes. We both scrambled out of the room and into the kitchen where everyone was preparing.

“Hustle, hustle people we’ve gotta move”

I turned to look at Joel but then realized that he wasn’t next to me. Where did he go? Worry flooded through me. Suddenly the clanking of our weapon started behind me.

“Hey guys!” Joel said as he rammed into the railing, I shook my head. “Guys! I’ve got the weapons” he smiled at me

A few people walked over to him taking them out of his hands

“Stay” said Tim

“W-what?” Joel asked looking around in confusion

Everyone was talking and barking orders “grab what you need and let’s go! Y/N you coming?”

My eyes shot open “yes! Yup!” I jumped up and grabbed the bow and arrow from Joel.

“W-what's happening?” He asked innocently “what’s going on?”

“There’s a breach” said Tim

“What do you mean? Like inside the bunker breach?!” He asked

“Yes joel! Now come on!” I told him, patting him on the pack as I followed the others

He followed me and watched the plan get arranged

“Anna, Y/N and I will engage. Anderson and Tom plank him”

“Plank him, ya ok where do you guys need me? You want me to uh come through the rear or..?” Joel asked eagerly

“I don’t think your going to pass this joel” I told him

“Pass what? You guys need help, let me help” said clutching his crossbow

“You gonna make me say it?” said Sam

“Say what?!” God he was so adorably clueless

“You can’t handle it joel, your shook” said Sam, we all began getting into positions

“Ya ok, yes so you guys don’t get scared..ever?” He asked still getting ready to fight

“We get scared, we all get scared joel, but you get really scared” said Sam

“They are trying to make you feel bad joel” I said sweetly, trying to calm him down

“We love you joel”

“But your a liability”

“Ok why did that speech feel so rehearsed? And what about Y/N? She’s like…ya know?” He said bobbing his head

“Joel-“ suddenly the bunker shook and the lights flicked again

“Ok 30 meters out! Let’s move!” And we were off

Leaving joel and some others behind. You could hear the growling of whatever we were up against

I followed the others and listened carefully. I was freaking shaking. Don’t ask how I got sucked into becoming one the the hunters. Kinda just happened and I was just-

“OH SHIT!” I heard someone yell, it was too dark to see. Someone was gone, that thing took them. I couldn’t even see it. Oh fuck my life. Everyone began scattering, running away from the monster. I stopped running to take a breath, when I realized I was alone. Nicely done Y/N. The lights kept flickering. I heard something blow up in the distance.

“Conned? Conner?” I heard a whisper, one I knew all too well. Shit, joel. I ran toward the sound, and had no idea I was also running toward certain death. I stopped running. There it was, that thing. I’d never seen this before. I didn’t recognize it. I stayed silent, not moving at all. It slowly crawled over a shower curtain. Oh fuck. He was going toward joel! I quickly grabbed my bow and arrow and shot it. Right though the face. Next to its….eye I guess you could call it. Joel stood there, frozen.

I slowly walked over to him “Joel, hey are you ok?” I asked as I slipped my hand into his. He was trembling. Tears ran down his cheeks. He has a bad freezing problem, so I've been helping him work on it.

About an hour later I sat with Joel, still holding his hand as he stared out into space. We could hear everyone talking. How could this have happened?

“It ripped through steal”

“Anderson and I resealed the Breach point, nothings getting in that way again”

“But why did it happen?”

I tried to toon it out, and I hoped Joel did too.

“Joel, do you wanna talk about it?” I asked squeezing his hand, he looked so sad, which just crushed me

He shook his head

“Ok….” I nodded, I leaned into hug him but was interrupted by his voice

“How far away is Aimee's colony?” He asked

I pulled back, looking at him confused. The talking stopped and everyone look at him

“What?” Tim asked

“Aimee’s colony, how far away is it?” He repeated

“About 85 miles” he said as he furrowed his brows

“How long will it take to get there?”

“What do you mean joel?” I asked leaning closer to him

“Just humor me, how long?” He insisted

“7 days” said Tim

“Someone who’s armed and trained would hardly last 50miles, but you…joel” Ava said, I felt bad for him, he really didn’t deserve any of this

“Alright” Tim continued “now I need volunteers”

“I’m gonna go” joel said

No one said anything, they just stared

“It’s an impossible journey joel” said Tim, crossing his arms

Joel stood up, moving around my chair. “No im serious…I love you guys but there’s only one person in this world who ever truly made me happy and she’s only 85 miles away” he said strongly “I’m gonna go see her” I could see his mind was made up

God he was such a romantic, how could you not love this guy? Sure it hurts when your best friend tells you that you didn’t make him truly happy. Especially when you maybe sorta kinda have a crush on him.

He let out a breath “woah, that felt awesome” he said as he walked off to start packing

I stood there for a second processing and thinking, but then suddenly my mouth took over and well….

“I’m coming with you!” I said, he froze “I mean you can’t leave me here with these middle aged people, and your my best friend so” I shrugged

“I’ll come back for you I promise” he walked over to me “I can’t let you put yourself in even more danger” he said grabbing my arms

“I can’t let you put yourself in danger knowing that I could have helped protect you” I said, he stared blankly at me

I smiled “o-ohK…then I guess…” he trailed off

“Cool I’ll go pack” I skipped past him. Was I scared? Hell yes. But like I said, I needed to help joel and protect him in every way I can. And sure I wasn’t so happy that he was returning to his long lost love but if it made him happy then I would live. And anyway, two do shorten the road.

[insufferablelust]

THE QUEEN HAS SPOKEN, ITS MY DUTY TO WRITE SO I CAME UP WITH THIS.. HOPEFULLY ITS GOOD SHSJKS! thank you for the idea my love! you’re awesome @slutforthegubes !

WARNINGS : S M U T! filthy smut (usual stuff gsjsks), Professor!Reid era x hiatus SSA!Reader, Dom spence, Heavy degradation by name calling, Jealous Spencer, Cockwarming, Condescension, Over stimulation, Rough Kitchen sex, Fluff... i think thats it:)

excuse grammar errors! i’m trying to be better, promise!

MASTERLIST OF ALL MY WORKS!

Taking a time away from the team was a hard decision, but you needed this break. Being on the team for more than 5 years has really made you saw the worst of the worst of mankind, and you just need some time to refresh your mind for awhile. Another reason that convinced you to take a break from BAU is Spencer, you know how much he needed you at this point, after everything that has happened to him, you wanted to he there and just enjoy the moments not worrying about all the horrors and traumas.

Thankfully Emily agreed to it, sending you to a time off as long as you and Reid needs. But of course you’re not going to just abandon your team, so whenever a case comes through, you always stay on the line with Garcia and help as much as you can.

So now, without a horror case hanging over your head, you’re busy living a domestic life with your boyfriend Spencer. It feels so good to just be with him, to love and cherish each other, and to show how much you appreciate each other without having to worry about some psychopath hunting you down. Ever since Jail, Spencer has changed to a different man— not that you can blame him but he has changed.

He’s still your Spencer, the man you love and would die for, but he becomes assertive, obsessive almost predatory, now it sounds scary but it just meant that he’s more protective especially of you. You could feel the change by observing every little things he did, like the way his hand gripped yours tighter when you’re both in public, or the way he would put his hand on your lower back as you stroll down the grocery store, or the way he kissed you every time he left for work or comes home— it sounded mundane but the way he kissed you is almost feral, his hand would grip your jaw and the other one would soothe over your waist rubbing the bruise he left the night before, his lips would devour yours in a heartbeat, like every missing second counts. And when i said it counts it really did, he never taken his hands off of you unless he has to work or read, even then he always wants you close.

Thats when the subject of cockwarming surfaced, one time he was in his office as you limped down the stairs after the long night you’ve had, but the thing is you still needy more but he’s working, preparing for his lecture. As soon as you entered his office stark naked with your robe, you see him in wearing matching robe and pair of glasses— and god that drove you crazy. All you both want is to be as close to one another, without having to spend the energy to pound against one another and he can’t left his work.

So cockwarming it is, he just casually pushed his cock inside your fluttering warm walls— as you straddling him and you both stayed there, content feeling full and satisfied, lulling you back asleep. After you woke up though, the desk witnessed yet another round. And since then whenever you’re too tired or he’s busy, he’ll just enter his cock inside your pussy or you’ll sink down on his cock, depending which position fits the situation better. Its just the need to be close to each other, the after sex is just a bonus.

——————

He has gone to work about an hour ago, pressing a passionate kiss before he left, the type of kiss that left you wanting for more and of course he did that on purpose. So when you wake up for the second time that day you decided to take a shower. You were going to try to touch yourself but decided against it because it’s one of Spencer’s rules that “Your body is mine, so does your soul. I own every inch of you, so let me remind you again, pet. Do not ever touch what’s mine without permission.”

When you got out of the shower you pranced around the bedroom for a bit, before putting on one of Spencer’s white button up shirts that looks cute on you, and a cute white thong. You take a look at yourself one more time before grinning happily, Perfect. You look completely ready to be taken.

—————

You were cooking dinner when you felt it, the two arms that wrapped themselves around your waist, and a warm lips littering your neck with kisses and bites.

“Hi baby, didn’t hear you coming in. I’m making Rossi’s carbonara you know.” Your voice sounded so high pitch— its innocent, knowing full well what it does to Spencer.

“Mhm, got home early because i’ve missed you,” He mumbled against your skin as trace the line of your thong with his index finger and his teeth sunk down on your skin causing you to gasp “You look so cute wearing my shirt and this pathetic excuse of a thong, do you know how easy it would be for me to bend you right.. here...” His hands gripped yours as you turn off the stove, and he place both hands on the counter, his lips nibbling near your ear making you grind back against him.

“And just take you over and over again, pound into your sweet cunt that i’m sure has been needy for me. I can always see through you, little one.” He chuckled at the end, as he pressed his palm over your back so he can bend you over before, Knock knock! Ah perfect timing!

“who in the hell—“

“I ordered garlic bread, i knew you would be home early as usual so i shortened the cooking time and had it delivered instead there it is, let me go get—“

“No! absolutely not you mindless baby. Go finish plating up, i’ll get the bread and you best believe i’m going to destroy you.”

Oh the way he talked about it as if you didn’t want that to happen, he could very much ask you to do anything he wants or needs and you’d obey. So the only thing that supposed to terrify you, makes your blood running with the adrenaline and oxytocin.

You only set up one plate on his side of the table, only because you know that he’ll want you to either sit on his lap or kneel beside him and you’re fine with both. As long as you can be close to him is all that matters. You poured the wine as he comes back bringing the bread and set it up on the table.

“Sit down and relax Dr.Reid, tell me about your day.” Her tone could actually make him burst in his pants just thinking about it, every thing about her is perfect, even with her damn attitude and brattiness, its just meant that she needed to be set in her place often.

As soon as he sat down you were about to sit on his lap before he denied you by snapping his fingers, before telling you to “pull my pants down a little and take my cock out, while i eat, you’ll try to be a useful little cockwarmer for me okay?” His condescension makes your head spin as you replied with a high pitched whine of “Yes, Sir.” and doing exactly as he said.

Spencer took a bite of the pasta as you sink down on him, feeling him pressed against your tummy. “Oh pet, it’s so good.” that makes you whimper because you know that he isn’t talking about the food. “Open up baby,—Good girl!” he said as he continues to eat and feeding you couple of times.

You can’t hold out your whimpers, as you feel the tip of his cock pressing directly on your spot, causing you to clench your walls bunch of times before earning yourself 5 smacks on your exposed ass and a warning “Stop being a greedy slut and let me finish my dinner you brat.” He huffed, then going back to enjoy his pasta whilst scrolling down on his phone.

You wondered how can he be so calm and collected, because you can’t even help the way you squirm each time he breathes. But then you heard it, the small grunts that escaped his lips here and there, He’s also turned on beyond belief. You were snapped out of your thoughts when you hear his voice cutting through the tension with his thumb rubbing circles on your clit, earning a yelp from you.

“I’m finished, go and bend over the kitchen counter like i wanted you to earlier, keep your cheeks pressed against the counter and place your hands behind your back, you hear me?” He talked slowly as if to mock you how mindless you are, but you won’t deny it and said that it doesn’t turn you on cause it does and he knows it.

“Y-yes sir.. thank you sir..” You shakily stand up, from his lap pulling his cock out and you immediately clench your thigh, eyes fluttering shut as you feel the emptiness and coldness. “Oh, what’s wrong baby? you feel empty don’t you? of course you do. Can’t leave a second without stuffing your holes full, what a whore.” He shakes his head as he hold her jaw tightly and slap her right cheek. “There you are, pretty and marked. Now go do as i asked if your cute little ass is not bent over that counter i won’t let you cum a single time tonight.”

So you scrambled to bend over the counter, as you hear him placing the dishes away, taking his dear sweet time blowing each candle out. Your hand secured on your back as you feel the wetness drips out of you— whimpered out at the need to be touched god you hope he didn’t catch that.

“Be patient, whore. Good girls wait.” Of course he did. You should be ashamed, but if anything you’re dripping down your thigh.

Finally, after long minutes of just psychological torture, you felt both of his hand on your hips, gripping it bruisingly tight as you feel his cock pressing against your cunt, teasing the opening with the tip, keeping an agonizingly slow pace.

“You were going to open the door weren’t you slut? wearing your skimpy outfit maybe even flashing the guy hm? is that what you want? exposing whats mine?”

“No! no sir it isn’t like that i—“

“Shh, just keep your lips shut pretty girl, and let me ruin you. Let me show you that you’re mine, no one gets to see you like this, like a mindless little baby i know you are.”

Just as you were about to reply, you feel him push his cock inside of you with one single thrust, you yelped at the mixture of pain and pleasure, squirming against him as he wastes no time to pound into your cunt with a fast pace.

“Thats it, take it baby. Good girl.” You whined at the praise clenching your walls around his length, making him groaned out loud and smack your ass. “so damn tight, my perfect whore.”

“y-your whore! yours Spencer oh fuck please! make me cum.” You screamed out as you feel him twitch inside of you, the tip just keeps on hitting your sweet spot making you clench your walls involuntarily each time. “Oh i’ll make you cum alright, i’ll make you cum so hard that i’ll ended up ruining you” He laughed as he keeps on pounding onto you, curls sweaty and chest heaved.

“I’m so close sir please!” at this point the only thing you could do is submit fully and wait for his command no matter how hard it is. When you finally thought that he’s going to let you cum finally but before you can even ask, he pulled out of you abruptly and straighten your posture, flipping you around and place you on top of the counter— legs spread.

“You can cum whenever you want to, as much as you want but know that i won’t stop until i cum inside of that cunt. you hear me?”

“y-yes sir.” your eyes are glassy and you just look like a mess, a total whore for him. As soon as he push his cock back in you were a goner, the combination between his cock pounding your sweet spot and the thumb on your clit sends you over to the edge and had you convulsing against him.

Spencer laughed as he keeps on going, pounding you with the same pace, his fingers grabbed your throat and press down on it, “That’s right baby, keep it going” He encouraged as you cum again for the second time that night,

Your body shakes as your nerves wired with over sensitivity, begging him to “P-please sir- can’t cum anymore” Tears are flowing down your eyes as he feel himself twitch seeing how cute you are.

“C’mon aren’t you my little cockslut hm? yeah my one and only, so you’ll come for me one more time baby, one more and then i’ll fill you up” He cooed against your skin as he himself cant hold it much longer, so he slapped your clit as fast as he’s pounding onto you, and oh how you just scream out and tightening around him like crazy, sending him over the edge and spill his cum inside of you, making you whimper out loud,

“Fuck- fuck i- love you Y/N.. Oh i love you”

“I-i love you too spence”

He chuckled seeing your post orgasmic cute state, pressing a loving kiss on your lips before pulling back and hold you close for a second, “what do you need my love?”

“need you and bath please...” You whined out like a small kitten, making him shakes his head and pulls out of you, before carrying you bridal style to the bathroom and take care of you properly.

————————

Send in your blurb ideas like this or any genre you want through my ask! and send me feedback or constructive criticisms on my private message. Thank you for reading and supporting, love you all❤️

[where-dreamers-go]

I’d love a platonic Boba Fett x Mandalorian! reader where reader worked with the clones as a kid, so she got really good at telling them apart by the tiniest details! So when he meets her on a hunt or something she recognizes him immediately and they catch up over a meal. Then they maybe finish the hunt together or just just talk about fights they’ve been in? Thank you dear!!

“Reunion” Boba Fett x Mandalorian!Reader

(A/N: Requested by the awesome @the-and-sign-anon.

Here’s some platonic Boba Fett fanfiction for yah! I feel like this has taken me a year to do, but it hasn’t, obviously. I just want it to be cool. I hope you like it! This is my first time writing for Boba Fett.

Aliit - family

Beskar’gam - armor

Buir - father

Vod - brother

Warnings: Canon violence (blasters). Death (no details).

Word Count: 1,445 words)

Late afternoon on an Outer Rim planet was not out of the norm for you. The system’s small sun casted long shadows behind the roughly structured buildings. A coolness crept into the air as evening grew near.

Perched atop of a well used cantina, you awaited a clearing near your intended location across the main square. You preferred less attention where you were going. The less people at small tucked-away building’s entrance the better.

It should not be much longer, you thought.

Earlier in the day, you had staked out the surroundings and where exactly you were to get the object. The bounty of the hunt. Was the objected named by the one who hired you? No, they had only told you who had it and where. Then added that it was valuable and quite decorative.

Helpful, you mused sarcastically.

Standing up, you decided that you would make it the right time to grab what you needed. The shortcut route would be best. Not the fastest way per se, but more your style. Rooftops were fine walkways in their own right. You were more interested in keeping the high ground. Only being in the area for less than twenty-four hours was a semi-followed rule of yours. Plus there were sightings of other bounty hunters.

It was prime opportunity to get the object of the bounty and leave. No more further delays.

Armor glinting in the sunlight, you kept your shadow hidden within the growing darkness cast by buildings and their antennae.

Three buildings and clothesline away from the unguarded door, you paused.

A bounty hunter.

You knew of course that there were others hired to grab the same object, however the one that caught you eye did not tickle your fancy nor did you care for their style. Too flashy with his large weaponry and inflated attitude. He was strutting a little too close to the door of your objective. Not to forget he was causing more trouble than needed. Pushing citizens around physically and verbally was unnecessary.

Can easily get passed him while he’s occupied. You thought, boot pointed in the direction of a small balcony below. Just—

Green paint grabbed your full attention. A very specific colored Beskar’gam in the next structure over. The sight of the colors and their arrangement lead you into a pursuit. The Mandalorian was steadily leaving a building. Closer. A small dent on his helmet.

You smiled, your thoughts on the bounty pushed aside.

Time to say ‘hello’, you thought as you leaped down into the dusty path.

A blaster was already lowering from its aim as you rose to your full height, meaning he recognized you.

The Mandalorian’s stance was slightly relaxed yet bent and ready to move. There were a few moments of long silence. Two Mandalorians watching one another.

“Are you just gonna stand there quietly?” A modulated male voice spoke from the green helmet. An accent in his voice pulled the air from your lungs. The familiarity striking and comforting.

“I wanted to give dramatic effect.” You said as you lifted one of your blaster pistols.

“Not sure your knees will approve.”

“Probably not.”

The grin you held disappeared as someone rounded the corner. A tall weapon in their hand. The bounty hunter you had spotted before. Not a well known one, you had not heard much of him. Only disliked any time you crossed paths, however briefly.

“Two Mandalorians? What…are you two after the bounty?” He laughed. “Why don’t you go shine your armor.” With loud steps, he walked closer. “Something you’re good at, right?”

That one’s unreasonable, you thought.

“If you’re after the bounty, why stop and chat?” You asked.

“What are you gonna do about it?” They clicked their tongue. “I’m going to get it anyway. Can’t have dusty troopers in my light.” A gloved finger edged to the trigger of his weapon as he continued forward. “Rona Olien. I’m that good.”

You and Boba turned your helmets to face one another. A silent conversation and decision transpired.

click

You charged forward in a crouch as the first round of blaster fire came from the bounty hunter’s modified weapon. The blasts stopped as the bounty hunter, Olien, staggered back as a blasterbolt hit them in the shoulder. Boba’s doing. Using the blunt end of your blaster pistol, you hit the side of the man’s head. The bounty hunter landed on the ground in a heap, groaning.

Walking up beside you, Boba kicked the large weapon out from Olien’s grip.

“If you’re going to shoot a Mandalorian, next time have better aim,” said Boba.

The two of you started walking away from the man. That was until a laser fire hit the wall of a building beside you.

In a flash of color, Boba had angled in a twist and had fired his blaster.

thump

“They were quite rude,” you said as Boba turned back to you.

“No honor.” Your brother lowered his weapon and walked with you to the destination.

It did not take long for the both of you to enter the building and find what you were after. A little digging and Boba had it in his grasp.

“A vase?” You tilted your helmet-protected head.

“An expensive vase.” Boba clarified. Rotating the piece, he examined it.

“Is it more or less than the job?”

“A bit more. Not by much.”

“Is it enough for you?”

His green and silver helmet turned in your direction. “It’s enough that we can split the difference for the job. And don’t tell me you don’t need it.”

You raised your hands in mock defense.

“Come on,” Boba turned on his heel. “They can wait one more day for their vase.”

His words surprised you. Yet you knew deep down that family meant a great deal more to him than a job.

You and your brother walked to a decent hotel and rented a room for the night; after grabbing some food of course. Neither of you wanted to part ways immediately. Besides, communicating via two separate ships was not an ideal way of spending time with family you had not seen in years.

Once in the quiet and privacy of the room, you relaxed. The food, vase, and weapons were put aside.

“It’s good to see you, vod.” You walked up to one another and inclined your helmets together.

“I’ve missed you.” Boba took a step back. “There’s a dent in your shoulder piece.”

“I know,” you groaned. “Too bad it wasn’t on my helmet then we’d match.”

“Hardly.”

You shook your head, smiling. There were more scuff marks on his armor than you remembered. Then again, so did yours. You had not seen one another in more than two years. Taking different opportunities tended to do that.

Living in an Empire was much different than whatever it really was when you were younger. You and Boba practically grew up together on Kamino. A rainy world where all you two saw was the insides of the cloning facility. The three of you, your shared father included, stayed there together. Jango Fett, your buir, had found you on a battle-worn world and brought you into the aliit, family, where Boba was your constant companion. A vod who was your only aliit after the battle on Geonosis.

Lives could always change so suddenly. Ones who lived together and depended on one another could find themselves on opposite ends of the galaxy.

Comfortable where you were, you started removing your armor and setting it down in your preferred arrangement. It was strange to have your helmet off while in the presence of another, however your vod was a major exception. The was a freedom to it all, the familiarity and the opportunity to just be yourself with on you trusted.

“That guy from earlier…,” you started as you yanked off your boots. “Have you seen him before?”

“Once or twice. He’s sloppy.”

“And had an ego the size of a rancor’s butt.”

He chuckled at your comment.

“Tomorrow,” you sat back in your seat, “I think you should give them the vase. Just in case they think of shortening you credits because I’m with you.”

“Changing subjects fast….They wouldn’t dare.”

“Just in case. Plus the whole bounty hunter image…”

He scoffed. “You’re my aliit.” Sighing, he nodded. “Fine.”

“Now that’s settled.” You grabbed the food and brought it closer. “Let’s eat.”

And eat, you did. Lounging about, the two of you talked and joked about the past. Catching up was half the fun. Making new memories was even better.

“I really have missed you, Boba.”

“I’ve missed you too.”

~~~

Best wishes and happy reading.)

(If you love my writings and want to support me, I have a Ko-Fi where you can buy me a coffee. I would be eternally grateful.

coffee

~~~~~

DreamerDragon Tags: @cubedtriangle

Star Wars Tags: @darkenwolfy @sweetheartliz07 

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[ihappentolikefnafsurprise]

Personalities: FNaF 1

I’ve been meaning to do this for so long, just never decided to sit down and do it. Probably because I keep getting distracted with other stuff. Feast your eyes (is that how it goes, I might be dumb). I spent a couple of hours on this, and let me tell you I never thought it’d be this difficult. But I’m proud of this, even if it may be cringe.

(oops they ended up being really long I think you can tell who’s my favourite character (hint they’re a robot))

Basically everyone in this group are buds. Sometimes they don’t get a long but they know how to not take it too far. I tried not to repeat cliches (Goldie being either really flirty or really shy, Chica being a cook, etc.). I mostly went off of what they do in the game and took the traits I liked.

Note that these are the personalities of the animatronics themselves, not the dead children. The idea is that they started off as just the kids but then they got their own lives and slowly developed their own personality until they were separate. I might give them some personalities later on, but right now I’m focusing on the robots.

Likes to be the boss

Freddy

Seems grumpy and unapproachable but he’s actually pretty nice

Scary when he scolds you though

He doesn’t even realize he seems grouchy

Can be pretty boring to hang out with

Unless you enjoy cleaning, dealing with Chica and Foxy, and reading in silence

Bonnie is the one he’s the closest to

(sort of because of Fredbear and Springbonnie being friends, they’re not copying they just happen to mirror it)

Loves hugs and uses them to comfort others

He’ll also use his music box

He’s good at comforting others with hugs

Hates the “don’t touch Freddy” rule

Has a really nice singing voice

He hums and sings when he’s bored or when he’s doing something

The cook of the group and he can make a good pizza

He makes thin-crusted pizzas because helth

He can’t eat so he’ll leave them in the fridge for the kids

Everyone’s baffled on how it got there but accept it anyway

He remembers all the children who come and loves them all very much

He likes to keep things tidy

When Chica’s made a mess in the kitchen he goes in to clean it

He used to scold her for it, but he’s given up

He picks up random items that the children forget with the intention of returning them

Straight up eats them

(He steps in the backroom or goes behind the curtain to get the toys out, children don’t need to see that)

He still continues to pick up toys even when he can’t go off the stage anymore, just a habit that stayed

Frustrated that the new employees just throw away the toys instead of putting them in the lost and found

Sometimes he plays the arcade machines on his own time

He likes to read

There’s no books though, so he just ends up reading manuals, newspapers that people leave behind, employee files, etc.

Until he secretly ordered a book series for himself

It took some convincing from the others

But he ultimately decided to because he doesn’t like the owner

Also the owner is really bad at actually managing the restaurant so he never noticed

Because of this Freddy often steps in from behind the scenes when things are really going wrong, like employees misbehaving

He sends an email to them and then he gives them a little fright when they come into work and they usually either quit or straighten up

He likes earthy tones like brown and beige because he’s boring

Bonnie

He comes off as nonchalant and uncaring

People think he’s angsty

It’s basically his whole persona when he’s on stage, he’s supposed to be the party pooper that doesn’t like parties but is eventually convinced by his friends to join and has fun

Off stage he doesn’t have that much of a presence

He can approach people just fine and isn’t really that shy

He’s just a quiet guy

Probably the best one to chill with because he’ll talk if you’re talking but he’s cool with silence and just enjoying each other’s presence

The type to laugh at his own expense

Has some dark humour and likes to joke around with Foxy, who also enjoys that humour

Secretly the mother hen of the group (despite being a bunny and a guy, he just fits mother)

Would laugh if you trip but then subtly watch you for injuries

If it’s an animatronic he can do some basic fixing

Doesn’t know anything about human first aid, but he’ll help where he can and call for help if he needs to

The type of guy to seem calm but there’s internal panic

If something seems kind of dangerous he’ll watch from afar

But if it’s too dangerous he’s the first one to shut it all down

Good at comforting others

Worries a lot and is probably the most cautious of the group

Very protective

It’s why he’s the first one to come to your door, he wants to make sure it’s no one dangerous (even though they’re like 400lb robots but sssh)

Hides most of his worrying, thinks he’d come across as annoying

Weak to puppy-dog eyes

Likes happy alternative music, but he’s open to almost anything

Plays the guitar by ear

Is pretty good, not legendary, but he experiments on his own

Can’t read sheet music

His favourite colour is red

Takes random pieces of paper like articles and anything useless and writes on the back of them like a diary, he keeps it hidden inside of the backroom in one of the Bonnie heads

Chica

Chaos incarnate

She’s a hyperactive kid that has trouble considering other’s feelings

Struggles with responsibility

Her favourite colour is green

Not at all good at comforting people

But she can listen while you rant and chime in or give you a distraction if you need it

“you wouldn’t believe the crap I had to deal with today”

“I wanna know everything!”

She’s actually the physically the strongest in the group

They’re all pretty strong, she’s just at the top

Mostly uses her strength to lift tables in order to make forts and playing around in the kitchen

Has broken many pans and lots of cooking utensils

Terrible cook

Can’t be left in the kitchen unsupervised for too long otherwise you run the risk of her starting a fire

Good at singing

Loves happy-go-lucky tunes

Radiates positivity

Doesn’t like the others being sad, but doesn’t know what to do about it

She’d probably get Freddy or Bonnie to help

Baby of the group (she is an adult though)

Has excellent puppy-dog eyes, only Freddy can stand them

Has trouble dealing with her own emotions

Tends to idolize or idealize people too much

Doesn’t understand what the outside world is like, or any of the problems that people deal with

I think that you gathered by now that she is not the mother hen of the group, even though she’s chicken

More like the kid sister that wants you to play dolls with her

Doesn’t like being alone and will find others to keep her company

Her feelings get hurt pretty easily

She can take a joke, just don’t be mean even if it is funny

Easily made happy by food

Tries to convince Freddy to make her pizza

When he doesn’t she’s like “fine then I’ll make it on my own”

Spends like a half hour trying to decide which pan to use and even more time getting the ingredients together

Freddy stops her before she can actually make anything, otherwise the whole place will burn

She’s easily distracted and tends to be absentminded

But if she finds something she likes she can sit there and do it for hours

Doesn’t like sudden noises, even though she makes them

Impulsive

Doesn’t play the arcade games, they make her mad

Foxy

The other chaos incarnate, he’s Chica’s partner in crime

If they were left in a room together all the tables would be smashed the chairs would be arranged to make a fortress

Tends to cause a lot of trouble so he gets put in time out often by the Freddy’s

Claims they’re being bums but they just want to keep the building intact

He sneaks away when they’re not looking sometimes and gets in even more trouble

Has the same dark humour as Bonnie

But he doesn’t laugh at himself

Actually a little self conscious

He’s a psychopath that enjoys exercise

When I say exercise I mean running and that’s it

He likes to pretend he’s either running away from or being chased by a huge monster

It’s one of the few things that can calm him down, just let him burn off some energy

Makes the others time him, but Chica usually gets distracted

Not a bad person, he just has a very hard time sitting still

He likes to draw

Carves little pictures into the floor of the cove when he’s bored

He’s running out of space though

If you give him a colouring book (they have some children’s colouring books and crayons) he’ll be calm up until he’s finished, then he’ll want to do another one

He also likes storytelling

Don’t ask him to write though, he doesn’t have much patience

Struggles with feelings of sadness

Misses performing for the kids

Most negative emotions translate into anger

Which will result in him trying to smash things and they others having to hold him back

Says things he doesn’t mean and does things that he wouldn’t do otherwise

He just can’t handle the emotion

Luckily he doesn’t get angry often

More often than not he’ll just pretend the negative feelings don’t exist, which also isn’t healthy

Out of everyone in the group he wants to go outside the most

He likes movies

There was a cheap VCR and tv in the boss’s office that’s now in the pirate cove

Somehow, none of the employees realized he took it

Either that or they just weren’t paid enough to care

He has like two movies he watches on repeat, it’s another thing you can give him to calm him down.

His favourite colour is blue, like the ocean

The true angsty one

Golden Freddy/Goldie/Fredbear

Spends a lot of time alone

Kind of a grump

Doesn’t like being bothered

He got the nickname Golden Freddy because that’s what the others called him when they first met him

It didn’t stick at all until the night guards that saw him called him that

Now it’s something the others call him to tease him, but they usually shorten it to Gold or Goldie.

He doesn’t really mind Gold or Goldie, but Golden Freddy kind of bothers him because it makes it sound like he came after when he’s actually the original

Doesn’t say anything though

Hangs out in the safe room, so the others can’t really get to him anyway

But they can yell through the door so there’s that

(I know it’s supposed to be invisible to them but they have life and stuff so they can see, they just can’t go inside)

He’s very sleepy

Spends most of his time sleeping or daydreaming

Doesn’t really miss performing

Says it was fun while it lasted but he’s fine with it being over

Though sometimes he eats his words when it’s daytime and the kids come

The cheering gives him the urge to come out and say hi even though he knows he shouldn’t

Misses being able to hang out with Springbonnie all the time

Springbonnie is there in the backroom with him, it’s kind of why he spends so much time in there

He activates sometimes, but he usually stays shut down to conserve battery

It’s pretty random

Springbonnie doesn’t know much about what’s going on, he never stays up long enough to get a full explaination

But he does try his best to keep his friend in high hopes

(I’ll be writing his personality later on, with FNaF 4)

There’s no way to charge him because the chargers are on the stage and the others can’t come in to help move him and Goldie’s not strong enough

And he can’t get up on his own

He likes being able to talk to him sometimes at least

Every now and then the others have to convince him to come out

He comes out on his own occasionally

But sometimes he shuts himself out completely and doesn’t realize how lonely he is, even if it is self-inflicted

The best way to get him to come out is knock-knock jokes, he loves them and the irony of it being through a door is just perfect

Likes even the cheesy ones

You can tell him puns or some well-constructed jokes too, he likes pretty much everything

He’s the grumpiest but he’s also the best at making others laugh

What can I say, he has a lot of time on his hands

When he does come out he hangs out with Freddy or Bonnie, the other two are too high energy for him

He plays the arcade games

He has the highest score, since he literally lives there and can play them whenever he wants

Likes the repetitiveness of some of the games

Even if he’s kind of a grump and a recluse the others respect him and come to him for advice when they need it

It’s sometimes stupid stuff like “where did my guitar go” and “quick help me hide Bonnie’s guitar”

He likes the colour purple

[beccascribbles]

kageyama is failing english so he asks you to tutor him. neither of you were expecting the relationship that formed between you as a result.

warnings - swearing, kissing scene, contains a fair bit of angst

word count - 6.3k

a/n - this was originally meant to be a fluffy oneshot where kageyama falls for the person he asked to tutor him. however, it didn’t really end up that way exactly. i hope you enjoy anyway!

read the sequel - ‘selfish when it comes to you’

It was with hands trembling that he approached your desk, shooting a nervous glance over his shoulder at the small group huddled by the door. Hinata waved his hands in a 'go' gesture, encouraging him to approach you, while Yamaguchi gave him a thumbs up. Tsukishima, despite declaring he was not interested in Kageyama's educational escapades, had come to watch. He just wanted to see the boy fail. Raising an eyebrow, you looked up at the black-haired boy that you had immediately recognised as Kageyama. Who could forget that face when you had watched him get stopped in the corridor to be handed small gifts by blushing girls, and then watched him hand them over to the energetic ginger at his side?

"Can I help you, Kageyama?" you questioned, shocking the poor boy. Nervously, he shifted his weight from foot to foot, avoiding making eye contact with you. His expression was tense, and you were almost certain this was something he had been forced to do. A glance at the doorway confirmed this, his small group of friends unable to move out of view fast enough. Although, truth be told, Tsukishima had not even bothered to hide. It had been Yamaguchi pulling him out of sight behind the wall.

"Um..." he stammered, face burning a bright red. To think he could look so at home on a volleyball court but so awkward when tasked with an actual conversation was laughable to you. "Um, I, um, heard that you were really smart from Tsukishima, and Hinata was pretty much singing your praises earlier this week when you helped him study before a test..."

He trailed off, looking behind him again. You could not help but wonder as to what kind of emotional support he was seeking from them. Hinata was snickering as he whispered something to Yamaguchi, who was red from holding in his laughter. Meanwhile, Tsukishima was just smirking at the scene unfolding in front of him.

"Yeah, I heard Hinata passed that test," you said, leaning around Kageyama to shout to the hallway. "Well done, Hinata! I knew you could do it."

"You really helped, l/n," he shouted back, beaming at you. "If you hadn't broken down the concepts in such an easy way, I never would have been able to understand it."

Kageyama cleared his throat in an attempt to bring your attention back to him. His hands were now stuffed in the pockets of his trousers, and he was focused on some point above your head.

"Yes?"

"I-I was wondering if you would be able to tutor me in English," he stated, stumbling and tripping over his words. A loud snicker from the hallway caused him to spin and glare at the taller boy, who just snickered louder. When he moved as if he were about to head towards him, you reached out and clasped his wrist, stilling him.

"I would love to tutor you. When are you free? We can work around your schedule as much as possible. I know how busy you are, what with volleyball practice and all."

"Does this Saturday work?"

And that was how you found yourself sitting beside the black-haired boy at nine o'clock that Saturday morning. Textbooks, along with his workbook, were strewn along the desk in front of you.

Currently, you were going over what he had covered in class that week to attempt to pick out some weak points. It was clear to you that his memory was good. When you had quizzed him, he was able to recite the grammar rules perfectly. His spelling was so accurate it made you slightly envious. But, when it came to the application of those facts, he was clueless. You read the sentence one last time.

"Can you tell me why this is wrong?" you asked, indicating it on the page with a point of your pen. He looked down at the page, brows furrowing in concentration as he read.

"I think my spelling is correct," he stated, looking over at you for reassurance. You nodded your head, urging him to continue. "Is the word order incorrect?"

You again nodded your head. "Yep, that's correct. Well done, Kageyama! Now, can you tell me why the word order is incorrect?"

He rubbed the back of his head, returning to studying the sentence. His pen followed along with the line of writing. "Instead of using the English sentence structure of subject-verb-object, I used the Japanese sentence structure."

You smiled, extremely pleased at his ability to critique his own work so confidently. "Good. Remind me what the Japanese sentence structure is."

"Subject-object-verb," he replied with a confidence that you weren't expecting.

The rest of the session continued in a similar pattern, with you getting him to critique what was wrong in his own work. You thought that by helping him see what he was doing wrong currently, he would be able to learn from his mistakes and stop himself from making them in the future. This seemed to be having the desired effect, with the pause he needed to work it out shortening the longer you worked.

You glanced up at the clock hanging on the wall. It was twelve o'clock. "Alright, I think it's time to wrap this up for now. Can you do the same time next week?"

He nodded in affirmation, beginning to gather up the textbooks to return them to the shelf they had been taken from. You hadn't really needed them due to his knowledge of the basics, so they had simply been on the table to take up space. While he put the books away, you gathered your stuff together to put in your bag, also putting his stuff in a neat pile that he could pack away when he returned. Upon his return, he quickly packed them away, slinging his bag over his shoulder once be had finished. Awkwardly, he pulled at the strap.

"Would you like to get some lunch?" he asked, gaze settling on a slight crack in the wall behind you. "Just as a thanks for helping. Not like as a date or anything."

"Relax," you laughed, patting his arm lightly as you walked past him. "I didn't think it was a date and, now that you mentioned it, I would love to get lunch with you."

It took him a moment to process your words, and the fact that you were already walking towards the exit. Hurriedly, he walked after you, his long strides easily allowing him to catch up. You turned to him with a wide grin, "So, what's the plan? You got a specific place in mind?"

He found himself returning your grin. It was infectious. "Not really. But I'll think of something."

From your first tutoring session onward, it became something of a routine to get lunch together afterwards, leading to the formation of an easy friendship. While Kageyama could still be slightly awkward at times, his habit of blushing furiously had diminished slightly. He genuinely enjoyed the conversations with you. You listened with rapt attention when he ranted about volleyball, a fact that warmed him to his core. It was rare to talk to someone who didn't automatically act uninterested when the topic turned to what he was passionate about. But you admired that passion. You encouraged it. And, like you encouraged his passion, he encouraged yours.

At one of your lunches together, you had let it slip that you were currently working on a novel, just a light-hearted way for you to let your creativity flow. It had never been your intention to write for someone else to enjoy. It was just an escape for you, something you found enjoyment in. Something you were passionate about. Your novel was only a passion project.

"Tomorrow, I'm probably just going to work on my novel," you said in response to Kageyama's question. He had just finished telling you his plans for Sunday (it consisted of a lot of volleyball specific training to fine tune his skills as a setter, and also a run - which he had invited you to join him on one time only for you to immediately refuse) and then enquired after yours.

"Your novel?" he questioned. "You're writing a book?"

"No, no, it's nothing serious," you chuckled awkwardly. This time it was you desperately trying not to make eye contact. "It's only for fun. Like a little passion project."

"For fun?" he said, searching for your gaze across the table. Finally, your eyes dropped to meet his deep blue eyes. "I think it's really cool that you've got something you're passionate about."

Those were almost the exact same words you had said to Kageyama when he had tripped his way through an apology after going on about volleyball for an hour.

"Oh..."

It came out on an exhalation of breath. For most of your life, you had hidden the books you had written, terrified of judgement. Yet here Kageyama was telling you that it was cool. "Um, I can show it to you if you want. Maybe you could read it? Tell me what you think?"

He nodded his head in response. "What's it about?"

You launched into an explanation, not only outlining the plot, but also providing him with the main character's backstory, along with their planned arc. He just listened, nodding his head. The way you were so animated pulled him in, making him admire you even more as a person. It was hard to find people with a true passion, and here were two people with a lot of it.

The friendship you formed was so easy and comfortable to be in for the both of you that you gravitated towards each other. At school, it became rare to see you apart during the break times. It wasn't uncommon for Kageyama to show up outside your class with two cartoons of milk, one for you and the other for him, before you followed him out to the courtyard where you would just sit and chat. Sometimes, you would poke your head into their volleyball practice if you had stayed late in the library. It was always to say goodbye to him but ended with him telling you to wait for him so he could walk home with you. On those days, Daichi always thanked you for stopping Kageyama from practising more.

During the weekends, your tutoring sessions had now moved from the neutral ground of the library to one of your houses. He would host one week, with you hosting the next. If it were at his house, you could guarantee that you would be roped in to helping him with some form of volleyball practice after, leaving you sweaty and in need of a shower. Therefore, Kageyama now had a drawer in his room specifically for you to leave spare clothes in. If it was at your house, after tutoring, you read the next part of your novel to him as he listened, his head resting against your thigh. He would always give you his opinion, managing to explain why he had liked certain parts. Then, you would convince him to watch a film with you. Sometimes it would be a comedy, other times it would be a volleyball documentary.

When Hinata had found out that you had a drawer of your things at Kageyama's place, he had become almost unbearable.

Kageyama had let it slip while he was talking to you about your plans for the weekend, telling you it wasn't necessary to bring any more spare clothes when you visited due to the amount already occupying the drawer. Hinata had chosen that moment to walk up to you.

"Why would Kageyama have your clothes at his?" asked Hinata. Both you and Kageyama paused, sharing a look that Hinata automatically read the wrong way. "Oh my god! Are you dating? No way! There's no way Kageyama would ever find some who would want to date him."

"No!"

"We're not dating!"

You both snapped in unison, blushing profusely. Kageyama glared at the smaller boy, "We're just friends, boke. Stop making a big deal out of nothing."

By the time you were in your third year, everyone just assumed you were dating. You attended all his volleyball games wearing his jersey, would occasionally wait for him to finish practice before going home together and were always with each other. He supported you, always there to cheer you on at a school related event or writing competition. He had, after all, been the one who had encouraged you to enter your first writing contest, where you had won runner-up. The photo of you grinning while holding your certificate was one of his favourites. It was also his lock screen photo. Coincidentally, your lock screen was also a photo of him. It was after he was told that he would be representing Japan in the u19s team. He had looked so happy in that moment that you still felt proud of him whenever you saw the photo. You were also both very affectionate with each other considering you were ‘only’ friends. After breaking through the initial awkwardness he felt at physical closeness, being close to you, touching you, brought him reassurance. He would always have an arm slung over your shoulder as you walked. When sitting, he would always be pressed against you, his body warm where it touched yours. In private, it was common for you just to cuddle. As you watched a film, he would have his arms wrapped around you as you rested on his chest.

There was also the small fact that neither of you had entertained the idea of dating someone during high school. Both of you had been asked out multiple times, only for the answer to be no. It was easy for people to assume Kageyama was just too focused on volleyball to be in a relationship that would require so much of his attention. In your case, people found it odd that you had not even gone on a date. Naturally, they just assumed that Kageyama was your boyfriend, so the confessions of love stopped for the both of you. You were not oblivious as to why they had stopped but decided not to deny the claims. It was easier for people to think you were in a relationship.

Kageyama, as much as he hated himself for it, would sometimes find himself wishing that were the case. He could not deny that he was attracted to you. Wherever you were, his eyes were drawn to you. They would follow you around a room, enticed by the way you moved. And, when you were finally close enough to touch, he was unable to stop himself from reaching out and pulling you towards him. It was definite that his own actions had fuelled the rumours. Most of your potential suitors had been on the receiving end of a cold glare from the setter at your side. However, despite this desire for you, he told himself he would never act on it. This was partly due to volleyball. He could admit that your friendship was distracting enough, able to pull him away from the sport with ease. Entering a relationship with you would make it harder, and he could not let that happen. Volleyball was the most important thing in his life. You would always be second, as much as he might want you or need you to be there with him.

For the most part, you were unaware of his feelings. Or, at the very least, you acted like you were. You could acknowledge that he was both overly protective and affection with you considering he claimed to only view you as a close friend. The glares he directed at people had not gone unnoticed by you, especially as they had always been accompanied by the tightening of his arm around you. Equally, you could not deny that his behaviour towards you made you feel giddy. You could not deny that feeling his arm wrap around you to pull you against him made your heart race, or how the sight of him made your breath catch. You could not deny that having his support meant everything to you. But you also could not deny that his attachment to volleyball would override any feelings towards you, no matter how strong they were.

“You need to tell him to stop,” Ichika said, giving you a pointed look. She could see how much you cared for him, how much this affection for him was slowly destroying you. “The way he’s acting is unacceptable. If he’s not going to date you himself, he should stop being so damn possessive.”

You looked up from your coffee. Her words had struck a chord in you. You knew his behaviour was unacceptable, but you let it continue in the hope that it would transform into what you wanted: for Kageyama to finally act on his feelings for you. “Don’t you think I know that? I know it’s bad. I know I should tell him to stop. But I can’t help thinking that if I let it continue, he may finally realise what’s been staring us in the face for the past two-and a-bit years.”

You were so close to breaking. You could feel your eyes beginning to burn from suppressed tears. Again, you looked down at your coffee, hoping that focusing on a specific point would stop the tears from forcing their way out. Ichika reached out a hand to touch yours gently.

“Come on, y/n,” she practically pleaded. “This isn’t healthy, and you know it. The relationship you have with Kageyama now isn’t good for either of you. You can’t let him control you like this.”

“Control me?” you snapped, pulling your hand out of your friend’s hold. “He’s not controlling me. He would never do that to me. You know as well as me that he struggles with his feelings and how to express them. If I told him how I felt, I know he’d stop. But I don’t want him to. If I tell him, he’ll pull away. I’d rather keep him like this than risk not having him at all.”

“y/n, sit back down,” said Ichika, looking up at you. During your rant, you had risen from your seat. You were visibly shaking, whether from anger at what your friend was insinuating or frustration at the truth of your relationship with Kageyama you could not tell. The tears you had worked so hard to suppress were freely rolling down your cheeks.

“No,” you said, turning to walk away. “I think I’m going to go home. I don’t really feel like talking anymore. I’ll see you at school on Monday.”

You walked out, hands fumbling for your phone. As much as he was the cause for your tears right now, it was his comfort you craved. So, you called him. He picked up on the first ring, sounding breathless as if you had interrupted his training. His greeting was unusually harsh. Shit. You had forgotten that the volleyball team had arranged an extra practice session today to prepare for nationals.

“Tobio...” you said, voice cracking. It was clear you were crying. Your voice was thick with emotion. All he could hear were your sobs in his ear. “I’m sorry. I forgot you were busy. I’ll just call... actually, I don’t know who else I’d call.”

Your laugh was bitter, and the concern he felt for you hit him with so much force he almost keeled over. You had not even told him what you needed yet, and he was already beginning to gather all of his things together. “What is it, y/n? What happened? Where are you?”

“I’m walking to yours from the cafe close by.” Another sob escaped your lips. “I just need to see you.”

He remembered you telling him that you had planned to meet Ichika there for a drink and a chat. You were unsure as to why she had wanted to have a chat, and he could clearly recall you saying that your friend looked very serious when she had asked to meet up. “I’ll be home soon. Just use the key I gave you to go in... What did Ichika tell you?”

That caused you to pause. He heard your breathing still through the phone. What could Ichika possibly have said that would have made you so upset? You interrupted his chain of thought when you spoke again. “It’s not important, Tobio.”

“Not important?” he snapped, fist clenching around his phone. “If it’s not important, then why are you fucking cry? Why did you call me during volleyball practice?”

“I’m sorry,” you sobbed. The sound made his heart crack, almost breaking through his sudden haze of anger. “I wish I could tell you, but I can’t. It’s not a big deal. I’m just getting upset over nothing.”

“Fine.” His voice had changed again, becoming cold. “If it’s nothing, I’ll see you when I finish practice.”

You heard the stuff he had begun to gather clatter to the floor before he hung up. He chucked his phone back in his open bag, turning to face his friends. The rest of the team were still training, but they had stopped, turning to look at him as soon as he had begun to collect his things, the concern evident in his voice and the lines of his body.

“What was that about, Kageyama?” asked Hinata, looking at his friend with concern. Though his voice had been cold before he had hung up on you, Hinata could still see the conflict on his friend’s face. Concern for you was evident in the set of his face, but his need to improve outweighed your obvious need for him in that moment. “l/n is clearly really upset. Why are you still here?”

“You can go to her if you want,” said Yamaguchi. “You know Coach won’t mind. Plus, recently, you’ve been spending more time here than usual. Missing the end of this practice session won’t affect you at all.”

“Let’s just get back to practice.”

Kageyama walked back over to serve again, ignoring the concerned looks his friends shared. Even Tsukishima was worried, his eyes scanning Kageyama as if trying to gauge his emotional state. Throughout the rest of training, guilt gnawed at Kageyama’s conscience. His mind kept drifting to you, your sobs, the way your voice cracked. But he was too stubborn to leave now, too obsessed with improving in volleyball to waste his concern on you. However, as soon as training ended, he was the first to leave, sprinting out of the school.

Before heading home, he grabbed some of your favourite comfort foods, barely even acknowledging that it was physically impossible to eat the amount of food he had shoved into his bag in one sitting. When he entered his house, he headed straight to his room, knowing that was where you were most likely to be.

What he was not expecting was the sight that greeted him. You were curled up on his bed, hugging his pillow to your chest. But that was not what sent a spike of hot desire running through him. You were only wearing his jumper, your clothes neatly folded on the floor at the foot of his bed. In your curled-up position, his jumper just covered your arse, leaving your bare legs on display. It was clear you were fast asleep. With a sigh, he placed the bag of food gently on the floor before reaching for a blanket and placing it over your sleeping form. He brushed a kiss to the top of your head. Then, he left the room to wash.

Once he returned, dressed more comfortably topless and in a pair of loose-fitting joggers, he made his way back over to you, sitting beside your sleeping form on his bed. He brushed your hair away from your face, treasuring the soft feel of your skin against the pads of his fingers. He wanted to lie down with you, to pull you against his chest and curl around you. He wanted to protect you from everything that could hurt you, not realising the main person responsible for that was him, no matter how much you struggled to admit it. But something stopped him from lying down beside you and holding you in his arms.

He had added to your hurt. His sudden anger had not been towards you, though it had been directed your way. Though he had not meant to hurt you then, he knew that he had. But he also knew that incident would not be held against him. It was when he had deliberately made his voice go cold, telling you that he would not be there to comfort you anytime soon. In the back of his head, he knew you were clearly not upset about nothing, that it was important. Hearing you talk like that after interrupting his practice, however, had made him snap. He should not have done it. He should have come running to you. If he was not so obsessed with volleyball...

Kageyama pulled away from you, getting up from the bed. As he turned away to search for a futon to put on the floor, you sat up, rubbing the sleep from your eyes. You croaked softly, “Tobio, can you hold me?”

And your relationship continued in much the same way, the incident of that day largely forgotten, your feelings on the matter remained suppressed. Both of you only had eyes for each other, but neither of you were inclined to speak those feelings aloud. Finally, you graduated from Karasuno, both still firmly attached to each other.

All those hidden feelings eventually fulminated at the graduation party Hinata had decided to host, inviting former members of the Karasuno Volleyball Club along with people from rival teams. Kageyama had asked you to come with him, so you had entered the party on his arm to chorus of ‘so you’re finally together?’ and statements echoing that sentiment. You had had to shake your head, forcing a smile on your face as you jokingly dismissed the claims.

“No, we’re just friends,” you said. “This boy has only got one thing on his mind and that’s volleyball.”

You were unaware of how incorrect that statement was. Since he had secured a spot with the Schweiden Adlers following graduation, his mind had been drifting to you more often. Truth be told, you were often all he could think about - your figure, your touch, your smile. As selfish as it was, he wanted you like this, with him, for as long as you would have him.

Kageyama forced a laugh at your words, not seeing the hurt look in your eyes as he unwittingly agreed with your statement.

“I don’t know why you’re not dating yet,” sighed Sugawara, swaying slightly as he walked up to you. “After he called asking me for advice, I thought he was finally aware of his attraction for you.”

“What?” You blinked at Sugawara, needing a moment to digest his words. Then you spun to face Kageyama. “You what?”

“I’m not attracted to you, y/n,” spat Kageyama, shrugging you off him. “You know as well as I do. We’re only friends... and that’s all we’re ever going to be.”

“Hey...” said Sugawara, fumbling for a way to stop this from escalating. It was clear that Kageyama’s words stemmed from his fear that acting on his feelings would affect his volleyball in some way. Meanwhile, you looked close to crumbling, Kageyama’s last statement highlighting how pointless your feelings towards him were. “Maybe you two should walk away before this escalates.”

“You know what, Kageyama?” you snapped back, the emotions you had been holding back bursting out of you. Tears pricked at the corners of your eyes and your fingernails bit into the skin of your palm. “Fuck off. I’m done with this, whatever this is.”

With that, you spun around, storming further into the party. Kageyama quickly lost sight of your figure in the sea of volleyball players. His cheeks felt wet. He was shaking, all control over his body gone as he launched a punch at the wall to his left. Skin ruptured. Glancing down at his fist revealed split knuckles and blood welling up from the cracks.

“Fuck.”

You pushed through the people, desperately searching for anything to help you feel less empty inside. Less broken. Alcohol. That was your answer. Your gaze landed on a table that looked close to collapsing due to the amounts of bottles on it. No one would miss one measly bottle. Not fully aware of who might be watching you, you grabbed the largest one, took off the cap, and drank from it deeply. The liquid burned your throat, a welcoming distraction from the numbness you were currently drowning in.

This time you pushed through the crowd holding the neck of a bottle, looking for somewhere to collapse. Your eyes landed on the open back door. Perfect. The cool air against your skin made you shiver, causing you to pull the jacket tighter around your form. You studied the black denim. It was Kageyama’s jacket. A bitter laugh escaped your mouth. How fucking typical that you were still relying on him to help you, even if it was just his jacket. Actions guided by nothing more than hatred at your own inability to do anything without him, you ripped it off you, throwing it down beside you.

Without his jacket to ward against the chill, you realised how cold it was. You simply shrugged, raising the bottle to your lips in the hopes that the bite of the alcohol would fight away the cold. When a jacket dropped on your shoulders, you barely registered it.

“l/n, come inside,” said the voice beside you. Vaguely, you recognised it as Tsukishima’s. Blearily, you tilted your head to look up at him. “It’s cold. You’re going to catch a fever or something.”

“I didn’t think you’d care,” you slurred, slipping your arms into the sleeves of his jacket. It was warm. You snuggled further into the warmth. He just rolled his eyes at you, grabbing you from underneath your arms and pulling you to your feet. You stumbled into him, feeling wobbly and unfocused. “Shit, I think I’m drunk.”

“Nope, you’re obviously completely sober.” His voice was dry, the sarcasm in his tone clear. You shot him a glare, poking your tongue out at him. He observed with a hint of superiority in his tone of voice, “Now, that was childish.”

“I don’t care,” you pouted. “I’m drunk and upset.”

Wrapping an arm around his, you leaned on him heavily as he walked with you back into the party. Barely audible above the noise, you mumbled, “I want Tobio. I really love him… Why does he always hurt me?”

To be honest, hearing you like this made Tsukishima’s chest ache. He had his doubts about your relationship with Kageyama, had taken to observing the dynamic between you two. For quite some time, he had seen the hurt that waited just beneath the surface, the way your eyes would suddenly become unfocused when you came to watch Kageyama practice. It was clear you were thinking back to that day, the way he had addressed you so coldly and emphasised the importance of volleyball over your well-being.

Kageyama watched you with Tsukishima from across the room, his right-hand throbbing with pain. After Daichi had helped Kageyama clean it up, he had told him to go home. Kageyama had refused. Despite the words you had spat at him, he could not leave until he knew you were safe. He had watched you, watched as you attempted to drown your sorrows in alcohol. He knew he probably should have approached you, offered to take you home before you got too drunk. It was clearly past that point now. You were clinging onto Tsukishima as if your life depended on it. This made him grit his teeth in annoyance. It should have been him there to support you. Although, if he had not lost his temper with you earlier simply because he was in love with you, none of this would have happened.

He strode across the room towards Tsukishima, powered by some urge to be the one to take care of you like he had been doing since that first tutoring session. “I’m going to take y/n home.”

“Do you really think she wants to be anywhere near you right now?” questioned Tsukishima, glancing down at you briefly. At the sound of Kageyama’s voice, you had let out a breathy moan, fingers twitching on his arm as if you wanted to reach out to him.

“Tobio…” you mumbled, clearly drunk. You removed your arm from Tsukishima’s, reaching out for Kageyama. “I need you. Please. Don’t leave me. I need you.”

I need you.

The words rang around his head as he curled a protective arm around your waist. You were turned into him, nose pressed against the material of his shirt. One of your hands gripped his shirt tightly, fingers curling in the thin material. He began to walk away with you towards his car. Even if this whole situation had not happened, it was still his turn to be the designated driver.

Silently, he helped you into the passenger seat, buckling your seat belt and brushing a soft kiss to your cheek before shutting the car door and making his way to the driver’s side. He opened the door, sliding into the seat and looking over at you once more to double-check that you were strapped in. Much to his surprise (and slight annoyance), you had decided to unbuckle the seat belt. He huffed, leaning over to grab the belt, “Seriously, y/n.”

Your fingers wrapped around his wrist, stilling his movement. Slowly, you brought his hand down to rest on the smooth skin of your exposed thigh. Kageyama froze, his gaze flickering to yours. Your face was so close to his he could feel the heat of your breath against his lips. Gently, almost teasingly, you rubbed the tip of your nose against his. He let loose a breath he did not realise he had been holding, allowing the pad of his thumb to begin rubbing smooth circles on your thigh. While his fingers dance across your skin, you grazed your finger along his jawline, the other hand reaching up to tangle in his hair. Unable to help yourself, feeling needy, just wanting him, you leant in, letting your lips brush against his. Once. Twice. On the third time, Kageyama’s restraint broke, the hand on your thigh tightening while the other went to the nape of your neck, pulling you into him harshly.

His lips pushed against yours, the swipe of his tongue against your bottom lip enough for you to open for him. He tasted you. Greedily. Hungrily. His tongue tangling with yours teasingly as the kiss deepened. His arms wrapped around your waist, pulling you from your seat beside him. You clambered over the gear stick, falling into his lap. The kiss broke momentarily as you adjusted your position, straddling him, both hands clutching onto his black hair. You did not have to wait long until his lips were back on yours, hands trailing down to grasp at your arse as he strained upwards in his seat to push his clothed centre into yours. The moan you let out against his lips did not go unnoticed, and he ground upwards into you, eliciting another soft groan. You pulled away slightly, stuttering out his name, “T-T-Tobio. Fuck.”

Your breath carried with it the stench of alcohol, seeming to pull him to his sense. Suddenly he released you, causing you to flop forward against him, hands still clutching his hair. Your head was pressed against his shoulder. “Tobio?”

He lifted you off him, returning you to your seat beside him. Without looking at you, he put your seat belt back on, trying to avoid touching you, afraid the feel of your skin and the way you were looking at him, eyes dark with desire, would cause him to snap again.

“Tobio?” you questioned again, voice painfully soft, as if you feared his reaction. “Do you not want me?”

His fingers tightened on the steering wheel. “Fuck. Of course, I want you. You don’t know how much I crave you. How much my thoughts end up drifting to you.”

“Then why’d you stop?”

“Because I can’t,” he said, the words physical paining him to speak. “You’re a distraction. One I can’t afford as much as I want it.”

A broken sob escaped your lips. But he did not reach over to offer you comfort, as much as he might have wanted to. And, although that night ended with you sleeping at his house, the next morning, there was a noticeable wall up between you. The once easy affection you shared was unwanted, Kageyama maintaining physical distance with you as much as possible.

And, though it pained you to admit, your relationship was never the same after that. It was never easy. It was never comfortable. It was tense, awkward even. Though you parted ways as friends, him going to the Schweiden Adlers and you off to university, it was as if a fundamental part of your relationship was broken. It was unlikely that part could ever be repaired.

[bubbleweirdo]

Alegría

Chapter: 5/?

Previous chapter | Next chapter

Summary: A wild night for Joy.

Words: 2.917

Main relationship: Javier Escuella/OC

Other relationships: Charles Smith/OC, Arthur Morgan/OC

Characters: Van der Linde gang

Author's note: Hi, I'm back... For now, at least lmao

While trying to write chapter 6 I realized I never posted chapter 5 and that... maybe... it was time to do it................. Anyways, hope y'all find it enjoyable!

The same day she and Javier returned from the stage robbery, Dutch arrived at night with a boy riding behind him. Joy was on duty when The Count appeared with the two men on top of him. After greeting her, Dutch took him to the entrance of the camp, where they both dismounted. She followed them with her eyes curiously, but immediately focused back on her task. However she could hear from where she was how Dutch presented him to the others: Leonard Summers -“But you can call me Lenny!”-.

The next day after lunch, Dutch called her to his tent, where the newcomer was too.

“Miss Joy, would you be so kind as to take Mr. Summers into town? And by the way help him choose a good mount, I know you have an eye for it.” He asked with a charismatic smile.

“Sure, why not?” She replied looking at the guy. “Let’s go?”

“Uh, sure, let’s go.” He said with a kind smile.

Joy walked over to where the horses were grazing looking for Berry, who was rubbing her head against the body of Old Belle, Karen's mare. Before guiding her to the beginning of the road, she walked over to the Nokota and patted her on the neck. Once there she mounted and held out her hand to Lenny, which helped him up.

They trotted through the grove that led to the main road and headed for the town.

“And what has Dutch seen in you, Mr. Summers?”

“He saw me running away from bounty hunters and helped me avoid them. After that we talked, and well, here I am I guess.”

“Sounds like Dutch.” She chuckled.

“I’m very grateful. Since I was fifteen I’ve been alone, running from one place to another.”

“How old are you now?”

“Eighteen.”

Joy turned her head and looked at him, incredulous. It had seemed to her that he was at least twenty, like Sean or Mary-Beth.

“What?! That young?! I thought you were older.”

Lenny laughed out loud.

“That flatters me.”

“Now I feel like I'm babysitting.” She said playfully.

“That’s rude Miss Joy!” She burst out laughing and kept teasing him along the way. He was complaining but seemed to be having fun too. They arrived at the town stable and asked the stable keeper to show them his horses for sale. After taking a look at each one, Joy selected two: a grey Kentucky Saddler and a palomino Mustang.

“These babies are in great shape and look pretty sweet.” She said, stroking the face of the first. “I think you could use a horse like that, affable.”

He watched them both thoughtfully.

“I think I will keep this one.” He decided, pointing to the Mustang. The man nodded and while he went to look for the mare's documents his assistant began to prepare her to saddle and bridle her. When he returned, she was ready and Joy paid the corresponding amount while Lenny kept the papers.

“What are you gonna call her?” She asked once they were out.

“Maggie, I think.”

“Suits her. As sweet as her.” She smiled.

“Will you accompany me to the general store? I want to buy chewing tobacco. Then we can have a drink. He said walking towards the establishment.

“Okay!” The two of them entered the store and while Lenny picked up the box, Joy peered through the products. A fishing rod caught her attention. It looked consistent and was definitely in a better condition than the one Tommy used. He didn't complain about it but many times when she accompanied him to fish she could see how the reel wasn’t working exactly as it should. She remembered that it would be his birthday soon, maybe she could give him one. She had enough money to afford some of the more expensive ones but she didn't have much idea of which one would fit her brother better so she decided that she would ask Javier to accompany her when she went to buy it, he had more idea about that.

Lenny paid and they both headed for the saloon. There were quite a few people and a man played a happy tune on the piano. They ordered their drinks and sat at a table to talk.

“So you like horses?” He asked her, drinking from his glass.

“Yeah. My family used to have quite a few, we would sell them at Valentine's and Strawberry's stables, but when my parents passed away I couldn't deal with so many anymore so we just kept Berry. What do you like?”

“Reading, I guess. A lot of things can be learned.” Joy rested her chin on her hand.

“I envy you. I know how to read but it’s so boring…”

“That's because you haven't found one that you like.”

“Maybe. My mother started buying me romance novels when I was twelve and let me tell you, they were tedious. At first they were fine but when I grew up I realized that they were just absurd fantasies.”

“I heard they’re quite corny.” He commented.

“They are.” She huffed. “I suppose I am resentful because they put an idea in your head about what love is that in the end doesn’t match reality...” She took a drink from her whiskey.

“Hadn’t thought of that. Not that I have read any.” Lenny said with a shrug.

They continued talking for another couple of hours, they had gotten along well. Then Joy realized that a girl who was leaning against the wall behind Lenny kept looking at him. She was young, perhaps of his age, and had her brown hair half tied. It was clear from her gaze that she wasn’t exclusively interested in the money she could get out of him. She probably hadn't tried anything because Joy was there. She leaned across the table to whisper to him.

“Pssst. Pretty girl interested in you behind you.” He looked at her confused.

“What?”

“Good luck.” She rose from her seat and raised her voice enough that the girl could hear her well. “Sorry boy, I'm not interested in you, you're too young for me.” She sighed theatrically and walked away to the bar under the stunned gaze of her new friend. Out of the corner of her eye she could see how the girl sat in the seat that she had just left and began to talk to Lenny. He was nervous but she seemed to like that. After a while they both got up and went upstairs. Joy smiled to herself.

A man stood beside her at the bar. He was tall, because of how his clothes adapted to his body, he didn't seem very muscular, but neither was he untrained. His short black hair was slicked back but some strands fell on his forehead.

“Hello Miss.” He greeted her, fixing his green eyes on hers. Joy raised an eyebrow, amused. He was handsome.

“Hello Mister.”

“Can I invite you to a drink?”

“Sure. A whiskey for both of us.” She asked the waiter.

“I see that you have good taste.”

“So it seems.” She said raising the glass to her mouth without breaking eye contact.

“What would you say if after this you and I go somewhere else?” He asked doing the same. Joy almost choked on the question. Trying not to laugh, she replied.

“You are very direct, aren’t you?”

“I don't have time for games.” He said winking at her and shortening the space between them.

Normally going so fast would have been a reason to reject him, but it had been a long time since she had relationships and honestly? That man was very attractive. She drained the glass in one gulp and set it on the bar.

“Alright.” She agreed, walking out the back door of the saloon. There was nobody there. She turned to look at the man but he put her against the wall and kissed her passionately. She gasped when their tongues began to play with each other. He continued to kiss her neck, as he unbuttoned the buttons of her shirt and lifted the chemise, revealing her freckled breasts. He grabbed one eagerly and twisted her nipple, causing a moan in her. He pulled down her pants and bloomers and brought his mouth to her crotch. Joy sighed, anticipating the contact, but what she felt was... discomfort. The stranger used his tongue at full speed at her entrance, causing more discomfort than pleasure. She cursed in her mind, she had to stop him but she didn't want the meeting to end.

“Didn't you say you didn't have time for games? Fuck me!” She said between mock gasps.

“How rude. What do you say?” he replied, continuing whatever he was doing down there.

“Please! Please…!” -Please stop.-

“Well then…” He got up, quickly pulled down his pants, lifted Joy by the legs, and inserted his member into her. She welcomed him willingly, clutching at his shoulders as he rammed her faster and faster. The man, between grunts, pulled out to come. When he caught his breath, he lowered her to the ground and began putting on his clothes.

Joy followed suit, somewhat disappointed but not entirely dissatisfied. She wished she had an orgasm, but she had missed the feeling of being full of someone and had enjoyed it.

“It was good.” He commented.

“Yeah. Lucky that no one was here.” He smiled.

“Well, I’m leaving. Miss…” He said goodbye with two fingers to his forehead. She replied the same, amused and went back inside the establishment.

After an hour chatting with the bartender, she checked that Lenny was still with the girl -she asked her coworkers and also put her ear to the door of the room they were in to make sure- and decided that she wasn’t going to wait any longer for him, who knew when they would finish. Before riding Berry and heading back to camp, she stroked Maggie's neck. She couldn't help it, if she had a horse nearby she needed to pet them.

When she arrived Javier was on duty.

“Who’s there?”

“The joy of the house.” She answered dismounting.

“How come you are so late? And hadn't you go out with the newbie?”

“Oh, don’t worry, we went drinking and then we parted to have our own fun. And it seems he was having a greeeeeeat time.” She giggled and winked at him. Javier cleared his throat, uncomfortable. Weird. Normally he would joke back. Maybe he didn't like Lenny? “Anyway I was wondering if these days you could come with me to choose a fishing rod for Tommy, his birthday will be soon.”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Thank you!”

Once at camp Joy changed her clothes, putting on her nightgown and loosening her two braids to collect her hair back into one only. Going to her bedroll, she noticed that her brother was still awake.

“How come you're not asleep yet?” She asked lying down facing him.

“I was worried you weren't coming back.” Joy smiled bitterly.

“I'm sorry I worried you.”

“I know you can defend yourself but... I'm afraid something like what happened at home will happen again.” Tommy confessed, his eyes watered.

“Oh, Tommy, my boy…” She kissed his face and when she pulled away she started stroking his hair. “I love you, you know that, right?” He nodded.

“Me too.” Joy smiled.

“How about I sing you a lullaby to sleep?” He nodded again. She cleared her throat and started:

“Hush, little baby, don't say a word,

Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird.

And if that mockingbird don't sing,

Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring.

And if that diamond ring turns brass,

Mama's gonna buy you a looking glass.

And if that looking glass gets broke,

Mama's gonna buy you a billy goat,

And if that billy goat get cross,

Mama's gonna buy you a rocking horse.

And if that rocking horse turns over,

Mama's gonna buy you a dog named Rover.

And if that dog named Rover won't bark,

Mama's gonna buy you a horse and a cart.

And if that horse and cart fall down,

You'll still be the sweetest little baby in town…”

And they both fell asleep.

Four days had passed and on the last one it had rained. Far from being uncomfortable, Joy had appreciated it. It was a hot summer and as soon as the first drops hit the ground they were very well received. The next day had stopped raining, but the smell of damp earth was still there, the ground covered in puddles. That's where the game started for her. After finishing all her tasks Joy looked for Tommy. He was behind the camp with Jack, drawing strokes on the ground with a stick.

She sneaked up from behind making a silent gesture to Strauss, who was sitting on a log doing the math and could see Joy's intentions perfectly. He only looked at her for a moment with a polite smile and turned his attention back to his work, ignoring her.

When she was close enough she flexed her knees and jumped into a puddle without any regard, splashing at Tommy and Jack.

“Hey!” the older boy yelled, falling forward in shock. Jack started to laugh and plunged into the puddle, jumping over and over. Tommy pounced on her and they started a fight, splashing and pushing each other.

“Stop! What are you doing?” Abigail exclaimed, hurrying over to them. Tommy stopped dead in his tracks and jumped up, straightening up.

“I’m sorry Miss Roberts.” He apologized, embarrassed. Beside him Jack had stopped jumping.

“Oh, come on Abby, we’re just having fun.” Joy said pouting.

“Y’all are getting dirty and that’s just more work for later!”

“Come on Abby!”

Abigail looked at her impassively. She sighed.

“Okay, help me up.”

As soon as she held out her hand Joy pulled her and dragged her along, staining her with mud.

“Joy Collins, you are…!” She screeched before splashing her. Joy laughed and Abigail followed suit, never stopping her attacks. Realizing that his mother had joined the party, Jack allowed himself to keep jumping and Tommy joined him.

They had made quite a fuss, and an authoritative hawk took them out of the game.

“Miss Collins, Miss Roberts, set an example for your children and clean yourselves immediately! We are a gang of outlaws, not one of savages.”

They both nodded and Grimshaw walked away to speak to Pearson. Abigail tapped Joy on the shoulder in a friendly way and stood up.

“Come on, we have to clean us up.”

They took spare clothes and soap and approached the river, moving away from the camp a little to have privacy. They cleaned themselves thoroughly and helped the children to do it as well. When they were done, the boys ran out to grab a plate of stew.

"Be careful!" Abigail warned them. She turned to Joy. "I must admit that I had a good time."

She smiled.

"That was the plan! We all need a moment of fun sooner or later."

"You’re right. Being a mother is difficult and even more so if there isn't..." She stopped and sighed.

“I understand.” She put a hand on her shoulder and squeezed gently. “If you need anything you know I’m here.” Abigail nodded and put her hand over hers before leaving.

“So mud fights, how mature.” Daniela said sarcastically.

“Yes, you should try, it's fun.” Joy replied with a smile, rolling her eyes.

“I pass. I prefer to see them. I liked how you fooled Abigail.”

Joy laughed. She picked up a plate of stew and sat next to her. Laughter drew her attention from the main fire. Javier was telling one of his adventures to Jenny. Since that conversation they had in the cabin, the two of them spent more time together. They had always been close but now they were almost inseparable. Joy supposed that he had decided to turn the page on his love from Mexico and start something with her. She was envious of how well they got along. She also wanted a relationship like that and she had long since given up hope with Mary-Beth, you could tell she only had eyes for men.

She sighed and Daniela giggled.

“What?”

“No, nothing…” She replied with a certain sarcasm. Joy eyed her suspiciously, but decided to let it go.

They continued talking quietly until Javier's voice caught their attention. He was still sitting by the main fire, Jenny was gone and he was singing in spanish.

“What do the lyrics say? Sounds sad.” Joy asked Daniela curiously.

“Oh, it is. He sings it once in a while. Talks about a man who feels betrayed by the woman he loves because she’s in love with another man.”

It wasn't difficult for Joy to understand why he sang that song. It wasn't so easy to get rid of those feelings even though he was now with someone else, she supposed.

“Sometimes I would like to know what his songs say.”

Daniela giggled again.

“Seriously, what's wrong with you?”

“Nothing, nothing... If you want to know what they say, I can teach you spanish.”

“Would you really do that?”

“Uhuh, why not?”

“Because right now you’re the most suspicious person I've ever seen.”

Daniela laughed out loud.

“Calm down bonita, I'm serious.” she held out her hand.

“Mm…” She looked into her eyes before shaking her hand. “Alright…”

“It’s settled then.”

[zet-sway]

@the-wip-project day 46:

What does your editing/revision process look like?

GREAT QUESTION LOL (ʘᴗʘ✿)

It's a mess. It's a god damn shit ass mess. I can slam down 1k words in an hour if the mood strikes but I will, without question, second guess the everliving fuck out of every last word.

So I write a scene and then spend like 1 week minimum nitpicking it.

Editing fanfic! Its a thing I do until it makes me literally sick. Sometimes I know I'm done with something when I just can't fucking stand to read it anymore. Holy hell you guys just don't have any idea how heavily edited all of my work is.

The method is: draft first, fix later.

So usually my WIPs are stuffed into Tumblr's drafts thing. And I pick at them a few minutes at a time, multiple times a day.

While I'm at work

When I get home

Before bed

When I wake up

When I'm taking a shit

You know, downtime lol

In fact I often start editing the work before I even finish writing all of it.

The number one thing I find myself doing when I'm revising work, is taking the second half of a phrase/sentence/paragraph and cut/pasting it in front of what was once the first half. I don't know why but most of the time, when I rearrange words like this, I like them better.

I also keep the fucking thesaurus handy. Because I'm not confident in my vocabulary. One of the shitty things about writing a lot of smut is this oppressive feeling of "sameness" that permeates each work. It's all smut. Mouths, hands, genitals, sensations, feelings, intimacy. There are only so many words to describe how it feels to be touched. And I don't want to reuse the same idioms from scene to scene cause then it just feels like "I wrote the same smut but remixed." I'm trying to incorporate a heavy focus on dialogue these days and that's helping a lot, but wordplay is challenging when you're writing oral sex for the third time in two months. At that point I often find myself banging out a non smutty scene just to like, loosen up a little.

Side note: I found this "sexy thesaurus" online that listed "heart of her arousal" as a way to say vagina and I'll be honest I've never heard this one and I really love it so yeah expect to see that more lmao

And one of the biggest things I do when I'm editing is distance. I have to take breaks from the work, to write something else, or just to do anything else at all. Sometimes I read other fanfics which is a double edged sword because it's inspiring but also makes me think "fuck why didn't I think of that???" But I'm trying to distance myself from the notion that I can't "borrow" from other works. I can borrow. Borrowing a "train of thought" is not plagiarism. Borrowing one word used near another word is not plagiarism. If I don't try out new words, I will never grow as a writer.

And don't even get me started on dialogue. It's funny because I find Shepard's character a pain to write but her dialogue is very easy for me. She speaks with my voice (not literally but in terms of words). Thane I find easy to identify but harder to dialogue. I revise his words a lot. There's a fine line between his ample vocabulary and his direct way of speaking. For instance in Taste of Victory, I revised these lines at least five different ways:

"What do you hope to gain by poring all night over strategic data?" - I struggled with what exactly Shepard was looking at. I wanted her to be doing some small, pointless thing that made her feel like she was still contributing to the war while tired as fuck, but I didn't want to use the words "war assets."

"The whole galaxy could be on to us and I could not find it in myself to care." - I wanted him to say "I have no fucks to give" in the most Theloquent way possible. I just made up the word Theloquent - Thane + Eloquent. I'll see myself out LMAO

"Ah, the legend herself, assassinated in the fortified heart of her own warship?" - this line was originally way too long. I wanted to keep the words 'legend,' assassinated,' and 'warship.'

Thane in particular is very easy to "overdo," in my opinion. It's easy to put too many big words in his mouth and even easier to tack "Siha" on to every single line of dialogue. In my headcanon, he calls her Shepard just as often, usually saving Siha for more private moments but not always. Actually he sometimes calls her "Dess" too, as a shortened version of "December" (thank you spookyvalentine for that nickname!) but I don't use my Shep's name as a general rule. But yeah I don't want Thane to sound like a thesaurus.

The absolute hardest thing is second guessing the "plot." I'm dealing with a lot of that now. If I change an idea for something that hasn't been written yet - while simultaneously working on a scene that comes AFTER that event - oh my god it just makes my stomach flip with anxiety. I could fix this by actually writing in a linear fashion. But that's so fucking hard to do lmao. That's one reason I haven't finished my long ass WIP yet. I'm happy with the interlude scene but I keep thinking I want to slow burn it more - it's important because both Shep and Thane make direct references to events that happened previously. Events that I haven't written yet. This is me clutching my fucking head in my hands and screaming into a pillow lmao (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

So TLDR my editing process is extremely nonlinear, time consuming, and exhausting. I have this ingrained idea that "there's always room for improvement." But often by the time I'm done editing I can't see what's good about the work anymore. I know which moments I like but I can't see it from an objective standpoint anymore. Coming back to fanfic after years was an incredible experience because it was the first time I ever read my own work from a completely clueless perspective. It gave me inhuman confidence to write again, and I have to remember that because I'll second guess myself into the ground if I'm not careful.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I should maybe try and calm down a bit lol

[juyeoniemyhoney]

things she’ll never know

When you love someone, the most important thing that you should not do is introduce them to their crush and help them get along. Yoongi knows this because he has learned the hard way. Because truly, introducing you to Jungkook has got to be his biggest mistake ever and once things for you and Jungkook start to escalate into more than a friendship, Yoongi knows he fucked up. 

-pairing: min yoongi x reader (feat. jungkook)

-genre: angst yo 

-warnings: none really, this may be a little stupid

-word count: 2408 words

-A/N: what upppp. back with a little yoongi angst. i hope you guys like it! don’t be shy to request some ideas you’d like me to write! i like live to please people and coming up with plots or scenarios are like super hard for me for some reason. also don’t be afraid to tell me your thoughts on this one! it really, really helps me to improve and write better! 

--------

It is without a doubt that everything you do has no reason. Like literally everything you are pursuing has in some way or another been forced onto you. You did not sign up for school, no. Your mother had just dressed you up in a school uniform one day when you were six and left you in a school full of strangers and other tiny people. So naturally, after being forced into things your whole life, you have developed a hate for almost everything. 

But nothing you have gone through can quite prepare you for the shit that you have to endure today. 

Today, instead of having an engaging discussion about life during homeroom like you usually do, your classmates are scattered around the classroom, cleaning every single nook and cranny until it is basically shining. All the while, the teacher screams at a group of friends who childishly throw rubbish and spray water at each other as a means to make this laborious task at least a little bit more fun than it actually is. 

After every semester, your school deems it necessary for the students to conduct a “spring cleaning” activity. As a result, your fun homeroom sessions are replaced with an hour of cleaning; beneficial for the janitors who work at your school, but nonetheless a drab and boring activity. 

“This is so boring,” you sigh, verbalising your thoughts to Yoongi, who is silently wiping a window pane beside you. Yoongi remains silent and just nods, lips set in a firm line but expression gentle. At his silent response, you cannot help but allow a smile to bloom on your lips at his extremely Yoongi-esque answer. 

Yoongi, your best friend, is an attractive, raven haired boy of little words. He has been by your side for as long as you can remember; since you had moved in beside him. He had come up to you, shy, tiny and chubby, asking you to help him tie his shoelaces. Since then, the two of you have been inseparable and you basically tell him everything. And because Yoongi is such a good friend, the moment you told him that you found Jungkook, a fellow classmate, attractive, Yoongi had taken it upon himself to — unlike his introverted nature — befriend him. 

Which brings us to today, almost a year after Jungkook was included into your list of friends. The three of you had grown quite close in the past year. But don’t be mistaken, it took you almost three months to warm up to him, far too shy to even look him in the eyes. But with insistent prompting from Yoongi and an insane amount of coincidental occurrences, obviously articulately orchestrated by Yoongi, you eventually came round and began to talk comfortably with Jungkook. 

“Yoongi,” you call him, reaching up to his sleeve to tug on it gently. The action causes Yoongi’s heart to swell and his chest strains painfully with the inability to house the sheer amount of adoration he feels for you. Yoongi hums in response, too lost at the sight of you to process words.

“Make this more fun,” you command, frown drawing your brows together, lips turned down at the corners in a pout. Yoongi’s heart falters at the sight. 

Years ago, when you and Yoongi were four years old, only a few days after he met you, he already knew that he was going to marry you. You had run up to him in the playground, attacking him with a bear hug, surprising him by muttering a soft and shy, I love you as you tucked your face into his neck. Yoongi has never been the same since.

That moment has been replaying itself in his head, a constant reminder that his immediate thought after you had embraced him was that he never wanted you to let go. He has only fallen harder for you since; for your magnetic personality and your laugh and your smile that seems to shine so brightly that it is as if the sun had decided to bury itself in your very being. 

His unadulterated attraction to even just the thought of you only seemed to strengthen that fateful night, consisting of powerful torrents of rain and a sole umbrella. That night, (despite being under the legal drinking age) you were drunk out of your mind, arm slung around Yoongi’s shoulder and legs tripping over each other clumsily. The two of you had awkwardly, yet silently, stumbled into your room, Yoongi groaning with exertion and exhaustion after having to haul you all the way back to your house from the party that celebrated your school’s volleyball team’s win. As soon as your head had hit your pillow, lightning flashed as if the sky was snapping a picture of that moment, granting Yoongi sight of you. Love surged through him at the sight, your eyes barely open and glazed over in exhaustion. 

“It’s raining,” you had observed from the window behind Yoongi. Yoongi, too distracted by the look of pure merriment swirling in your brown eyes that shone like the moon, could only a whisper an aloof answer. You’ve always liked rain. 

He was spiralling down a tangent of doubtful supposition, trying to decide if he should just kiss you right then and there, if it would still ruin your friendship even if there was a high possibility that the whole night would excuse itself from your memory in the morning. Yoongi immediately dispelled the horrifying thought from his brain, barely registering that you had gotten up and had started to rummage about your things. 

“You should take this umbrella,” you slurred, turning back around to look at Yoongi. You stumbled clumsily towards him, as if you were a baby learning to walk. Just as you were about to hand Yoongi the umbrella, a wire had caught your foot, pulling taut and tripping you. You had stumbled forward in an attempt to find your balance, but once you realised that it would not be possible, you had tried to catch yourself on Yoongi instead, but your lack of sobriety had also meant the deduction of your depth perception, causing you to completely miss his shoulders. 

All too suddenly, Yoongi found himself on your bed, on his back, tasting alcohol on your lips. Yoongi’s brain had ceased regular function at that point and instead of pulling away, instead of pushing you off him, instead of something, he found himself kissing you. And for the shortest of seconds, you were kissing him back. He seemed to have fallen from reality and landed in an alternate universe; where you are his, and you are okay with being his. Your lips felt surreal and warm, so, so warm and he didn’t want to ever stop kissing you. But then Yoongi felt your tongue at the seam of his lips, and he was dragged out of his trance by the ankles and jolting away from you as if you were a live wire. 

“Why...?” you had questioned, earnest eyes gazing down at him, searching for eye contact but Yoongi had refused it, eyes landing on everything except yours. And too fast for Yoongi to even process himself, he was snatching the umbrella from your hands, pushing you off him as gently as he could in his haste, and practically sprinting out of your bedroom, in search of refuge that only his own could offer.

When Yoongi thinks back to that incident, he always beats himself up for dashing out of there before ensuring that you were okay first. He had let his feelings control him and didn’t even stop to think that he should have probably sobered you up first before leaving. But it is far too late to regret and that incident now serves as one of Yoongi’s milestones, the one that had caused his feelings for you to grow exponentially, the kiss that you cannot even remember. 

“How about we play tag? If I touch you with this rag, I win. If you manage to evade me for the rest of the period, you win. Winner gets a whole tub of ice cream,” Yoongi suggests, finally snapping out of his trance. 

“That hardly seems far,” you complain with a slap to his bicep. It causes Yoongi to flinch and you let out a melodious chuckle at his reaction. Yoongi’s heart dances to the tune. 

“Fine then, be bored,” is Yoongi’s snarky reply. He lets out a sigh in faux disappointment and turns back to the window to continue his interrupted wiping. Though, his expression immediately brightens when you protest to your teasing gone wrong. Flowers bloom in Yoongi’s chest and he feels a strong urge to hug you; to wrap you up in his arms, hidden away from the world in his warmth. Yoongi has to quite literally hold himself back to not act on the urge.

And so begins the game of tag. If Yoongi were to be entirely honest, he hates physical activity, of every and any sort. Which is why he has no idea why he had suggested to play tag in the first place. If he were to be even more honest, even if he hates running, he is sure that if he were playing seriously, the game would end in the matter of seconds. So, he chases you with restraint and pretends to take breaks in between the chasing. And if he ever came close to tagging you, he would shorten his reach so that the rag would miss you by a hair. It is just, Yoongi is high on the sound of your mirthful giggling, not wanting it to stop for even just a second. Not when the sound makes him so happy that he feels as if his whole body is levitating. 

Yoongi chases you all around the classroom, the two of you blatantly ignoring your teacher’s nagging. As the period comes to an end, Yoongi quickens his speed, just refusing to lose to you after realising how much you would tease him if he did. Now at the front of the classroom, Yoongi finds himself far behind you, struggling to catch up. 

Everything that happens next seems to happen in slow-motion for Yoongi.

As you glance over your shoulder to gauge where Yoongi is, you accidentally ram into someone. More specifically, you run right into Jungkook. You let out a surprised squeal when your head hits his chest and Jungkook wraps his arms around you in instinct, letting out his own sound of surprise. Yoongi’s heart, at the sight, sinks right into his gut, as if it were in quicksand. Jungkook’s expression of surprise morphs into an endearing smile and he relaxes and hugs you comfortably, arms around your shoulders and chin resting gingerly on top of your head. 

Jungkook’s scent and warmth send you into a state of delirium. Your cheeks burn red in embarrassment when he starts stroking your hair, gently combing his fingers through the thick locks. Your classmates do not care, in fact you do not think they even notice the intimate moment the two fo you are having now. It is as if the world has vanished and it is just you and Jungkook, and no one else to disturb you. In Jungkook’s arms, everything feels right, like not a thing in the world is wrong, and maybe, it is here, in his arms, that you belong. As cringe-worthy as it sounds, your ears tune out all of your surroundings and only seem to be able to focus on the rhythmic beating of Jungkook’s heart. And when your arms come up around him to circle around his waist, the pace of his heart increases and you finally know that you are not the only one who is feeling things. 

Yoongi, on the other hand, is absolutely livid, irises flaring red as he looks at the two of you hugging so dearly, so natural that it is as if you two have been hugging for years. One side of Yoongi, the selfish side, wants to rip you from Jungkook’s arms and claim you as his, as if he is the hound of hades, guarding the gates of the world the two of you have built together, preventing Jungkook from ever entering your world and snatching you away. But the other side of Yoongi, the one that grounds himself to reality should his love for you cause him to do utterly idiotic things, tells him to come to terms with the fact that you will never be involved with him romantically, tells him to just let you go, tells him to deal with his own idiotic actions. Because truly, introducing you to Jungkook is, and will forever be his biggest regret. But at the same time, how could he not? When you had gazed up at him with mirth-filled eyes, smile shining brighter than any star to exist in the cosmos. How could he not when he could basically feel your voice worm its way into his chest, festering something so captivating that he could not help but do something, anything to hear that tone in your voice again and feel the flowers bloom in his heart, a sweet, summer warmth melting him like candle wax. How could he rob you, the one person he has loved with all his heart, mind and soul of your happiness?

The answer is that he cannot. 

So, instead of socking Jungkook in the face, instead of tearing you from Jungkook’s arms and kissing you with passionate ferocity, Yoongi circles your hugging bodies so that you can see him, gently tapping you to get your attention. Your head pops out from Jungkook’s chest and you look at Yoongi over his shoulder. When your eyes lock, your arms still around Jungkook and Jungkook’s arms still around you, he whispers as softly as he can so that you cannot hear the cracking of his heart in his voice. And despite the excruciating amount of pain he is feeling in this moment, Yoongi manages to proffer you a small smile. 

“You win.”

His words refer to a plethora of things; his heart, his life, this one-sided game he has been playing. And then, before you can question anything, he leaves you to deliberate what on earth those two words should signify other than that game of tag that just decided Yoongi’s and your destiny. 

Because did you actually win or did you just lose everything?

[jjuzoir]

Match Maker | s. banri

request: “Hello! I personally really love your writing and your whole aesthetic is my dream lol 👉👈 Can I request a scenario where reader and Banri are best friends since childhood? You can turn it into best friends to lovers kind of thing if you feel like it. I’m personally a huge fan of best friends to lovers aus, they just,,, melt my heart 🥺 Thank you so much, please don’t feel like you have to rush it and take your time! 💞” from anon

a/n: i accidentally deleted your anon but i managed to save the request itself sooryy^^ i am so sorry it’s taken me so long omg 🥺 i love you sooo much anonie 💕✨ i love f2l so much too it’s so cute just seeing people who love each other being able to be with each other is !!! ahhh ✨💕 i really enjoyed working on it and i’m really happy with it hhhh thank you sm for requesting ilysm ahhh

word count: 2973

There were many perks to being friends with Banri, he was funny and nice when he wanted to be— he’d help you out with homework and never let you down; if there was one thing you could always count on Banri to be it was determined and loyal. But there were downsides to it too like the looks you’d get for hanging out with a guy with such a shitty reputation, the way he’d always get into fights, or seeing him waste his life away due to lack of interest. There were the multiple fights you had to endure, patching him after he got his ass beaten to a pulp the first few times.

But you wouldn’t trade him for the world. You had stuck with him through so many things, so many phases and bruises, beginnings and ends, you knew him like the back of your hand and you knew how hard it was for him to live such an “easy” life. He liked a challenge, something to work hard towards, something worth fighting for— so he could relish in the satisfaction, but that something never came. When everything comes easy you can never really bask in satisfaction; the afterglow after a succeeding.

Maybe at first, you guessed, Banri did enjoy it but he soon grew tired; everything was easy, too easy. How could he enjoy a life with no challenges when what he liked the most was a challenge?

That’s why when he joined the Mankai company you were ecstatic, finally a non-destructive hobby after years of fights and punches. It was why you didn’t mind distancing yourself from him, to let Settsu enjoy himself and get to know theater— you guessed you just didn’t know how far was enough, leading you to grow farther away than either of you expected; than either of you needed.

Looking back, Banri was somewhat grateful; he knew had you stuck around he wouldn’t have been able to concentrate with the growing feelings he had blooming in his chest.

He realized his feelings for you weren’t the same when texting you wasn’t enough, when meeting you at school wasn’t enough; when he realized that he wanted more. He never took into account how often you two would be together, it felt so natural, there was never a second thought or a minute to imagine what would happen if your routine were to change. After school and during breaks, you’d always be together chatting away; to not have you there by his side as often was weird. It wasn’t as if he never saw you but whenever you left he felt a bitter feeling in his mouth, it left him feeling unsatisfied. What was once a friendship that lasted 24 hours a day soon shortened into a relationship that would last as long as school breaks would allow.

He hoped that once he quit the troupe— after making his point known to Juza, he’d be able to go back to his routine with you, perhaps confess or just let it go, he just wanted to ditch acting and see where you two would go. But he never really quit and so the distance between you two became bigger.

You never grew estranged, neither of you would’ve been able to live without the other by this point— 14 years of friendship, of familiarity and comfort, can’t go down the drain like that. To you Banri was the need for a future, for excitement and adventure, and to him, you were home, nostalgic and known. But going from hanging around each other everyday to almost once in a blue moon, it hit hard and it hit roughly.

By the third performance, you and him could barely meet in person— you had joined clubs while he practiced, your classes weren’t the same and your part time job started demanding more attention; so all you could do was text. He hated texting, you could never really express your tone and feelings properly, but your relationship— or what remained of it, now hung on a thin thread of texts. It was weird, heart breaking almost, to see the shell that remained of your friendship.

It was around that time Banri realized he needed to act on his feelings for you, it was when he realized he could lose you.

He didn’t know how to confront you about it— the boy you had been hanging out around, he’d seen you two, heard the rumors of a possible romance, but he never confronted you. Blue eyes could only watch in confusion as the situation unfolded itself; you two were 17, not kids anymore, it’d be weird for him to pop in one day and demand for you to explain yourself to him. Banri wasn’t delusional, he knew you didn’t owe him an explanation.

Izumi noticed the uncertainty and hesitation in him, how something or someone was bothering him. It was soon after that his discomfort was known to the rest of the company and they grew confused and concerned— some more worried than others. It was her who ended up confronting Banri, she had to convince the dyed blond to not threaten the young boy with behavior and discipline.

Even through his short answers and cold stare it didn’t take the brunette long to understand what was bothering him.

“So, you like your best friend?” Izumi’s pink eyes were tinted with understanding and pity as she looked at the young boy.

However, Banri was too prideful to answer, instead opting to roll his eyes in acknowledgment.

“Well, why don’t you say something about it?”

“[Name] doesn’t owe me an explanation,” he muttered, he had thought about it but really— he was also afraid; if you were dating that boy then it meant his feelings were one sided and he could ruin your trust, make you feel like you had a babysitter or a possessive friend, and accidentally reveal the feelings he had only recently begun to acknowledge.

“I guess you’re right, but you owe yourself closure,” Izumi states straight into his eyes, “Just try talking to them about it.”

“Hmph…”

He stared at your contact name for a while before pressing it that night, he spent at least 14 minutes typing and re-typing what he wanted to send, never before had he been so self conscious when talking to you.

As he laid buried within his covers, only the soft light of his phone shining, he realized how important you were to him; he couldn’t fuck up.

‘Hey, our next performance is next week wanna come??????’

Once he had settled for a text and was ready to press send he heard a deep, and extremely annoying, voice coming from beside him.

“Delete some question marks, it makes you look desperate.”

“Fuckin’- were you reading my texts?” Banri barked at the golden eyed boy, what was that creep doing getting into his conversation with you?

“Kinda hard not to when you’ve got your ringer on, this isn’t a coming of age movie turn that shit off, iss’ annoying.” Juza grumbled before shoving his head between his pillows and Banri swore the small wooden panel separating both of their beds was suddenly asking to be used as a murder weapon.

“Fuck off, Hyodo.”

‘Hey, our next performance is next week wanna come over??’

“You are gonna give them their tickets, right?”

“Of course I am, I ain’t some sort of asshole!” Settsu could swear every time Juza opened his mouth he lost 10 years of his lifespan.

“Ya’ sure about that?”

“Say it to my fuckin’ face, eh?”

‘Hey, I got some tickets for our next performance if you wanna come??’

“Is that better, dick head?” Banri shoved his phone at the purple haired boy causing him to swat his hand away.

“Yeah, whatever.”

“Whatever-? You know what, choke on my dick.”

“Come on, I’ve sucked candy bigger than your dick, Settsu, I ain’t chokin’ on a pickle.”

He was surprised that you answered so quickly a short and simple ”Oh my god!!! Yes!!” that had sent his heart into super sonic speed. He guessed that, if Izumi was right and he did like you, that it made sense- and if he had to be honest, really had to be, you could say he didn’t mind the way his heart fluttered around his chest.

‘Come over early and I’ll give them to you’

“And they say chivalry is dead.” Juza grumbled into his pillow, earning a smack from Banri.

A week later and you were standing in front of the Mankai dorm waiting for him, you had to admit that- although sudden, the invite did make you quite happy, even if you both didn’t talk as often you still cared deeply about him.

While you stood outside waiting, however, inside the dorm Banri was getting one final pep talk from Izumi before he asked you out- or tried to at least.

“I get it! Izumi, stop nagging already,” blue eyes rolled as the older woman went over the plan.

“I am not nagging, Settsu! I am simply making sure you don’t screw up!” She shrieked, she was this close to setting you up with Juza out of spite.

“Look, I’m fine,” he assured her, “I’ll just tell ‘em how I feel and if they say yes then good and if they say no then whatever- it’s not like we won’t talk if I’m rejected.” Right?

“Hey, Neo delinquent, you shouldn’t leave your date waiting,” Yuki grumbled as he nodded over to the door, “Poor thing’s been there for half an hour, let it in already.”

“Yuki! Don’t talk about [Name] like they’re a dog!” Izumi scolds the middle schooler.

“Whatever, just worried they’re gonna catch a cold.” He shrugs before leaving the room, if you ended up sick you’d only have those two to blame.

“Okay, now go- go!” Izumi pushed the tall boy before running off to hide behind the wall, just in case.

Banri takes note of his sweaty hands and scolds himself; keep it together. He shakes his head and opens the door to find you waiting for him.

In the second it took you to process the opened door, Banri felt himself fall in love with you. After not seeing each other in person since the start of the new semester, it dawned on him how much he yearned to be with you.

“Banri, I missed you!” You throw your arms around your friend, you were excited— it had been weeks since you’d last seen him and you missed him, even if you two didn’t talk as much there was never a day you didn’t think of him in some way.

“[Name],” he ruffled your hair, his eyes softening as he looked at you, “I missed you too.”

“I’m so excited,” you pulled away from him, looking him straight in the eyes, “I was so worried I wouldn’t get tickets, I really wanted to see you act again!”

“Tch, ain’t you a fan?” He teases you, making way for you to come inside the dorms and you gladly do. It had been months since you last came, but it still looked and felt the same; he felt and looked the same, he looked smarter though, more mature and put together.

“You’re talking as if I wouldn’t come see my best friend.” You smile up at him and he feels his heart clench in his chest at your words.

As he leads you to the living room he wonders if he should actually tell you— unlike most things in his life, you were always there, no matter what he was doing you’d always stuck around him. Ever since you were young, Banri can’t remember a time where you weren’t there and, honestly, he didn’t want to.

His silence catches your attention and you decide to speak up; “So, how have things been?”

“Ah, good, they’ve been good,” he coughs, he felt stupid getting nervous over this- he should just get it out as fast as possible, “and you?”

“Things ‘ve been well, kinda weird without you around.” You admit awkwardly as you sit down on the couch.

He nods, a smile gracing his lips as he thinks about how to lead the conversation where he needs it to be. He remembers Izumi’s words and advice, he deserved closure and, maybe it was selfish of him but, he wanted a relationship with you too. He really, really wanted a relationship with you.

“[Name]?” He speaks out, his voice wavering slightly and if he could he’d beat himself up for it. Hearing the uncertainty behind his words you almost shoot up from your seat in worry.

“Yeah?”

“I- I know it’s sudden and,” he takes a deep breath, “it’s gonna sound weird but I, uh- realized somethin’.”

You nod confused, you were listening to him and you wanted him to continue; that’s the moment he realized he’d need to fold whatever pride he had left and throw it in the air if he wanted to know the truth.

“It’s very weird and if it makes you uncomfortable it’s okay! It’s just, I've heard about you goin’ out with someone and I wanted to know if-?”

“Oh! You mean Rin, right? No, don’t worry, he’s dating someone; we’re just friends!” You laugh as you explain.

“Oh, good.” Even with his, albeit limited compared to other members, acting experience he couldn’t quite hide the relief that washed over his face and body at the revelation.

“Why do you wanna know? Worried you’re gonna lose me?” You tease but the words he uttered next made you do a double take his way.

“Yeah, actually- funny you’d say that.” He sighs before looking around the room, “I didn’t invite you just for the tickets, [Name], I-I wanted to tell you something… I like you.”

You feel the blood rushing to your ears and spread through your cheeks, you were sure you were practically heating up the room just from your blushing alone.

“You like me?” You ask him, you were extremely flattered and the thought that a guy like Banri liked you was nice. You liked him, you’ve liked him for a pretty long time but were too afraid to say anything so for him to, after so many years, tell you he liked you was straight out of a shojo manga.

“Yeah, it’s okay if you feel weird, I just wanted to say it, ya’ know?” He avoids your eyes and you quickly piece together the rest. He’d been acting weird, all shy and nervous, his texts were kinda dry, and even when you did meet in the hallway he had been acting off… was it all because he liked you?

“Banri, I- wow, me too,” you stutter, fidgeting with your fingers slightly at his confused face, “I kinda like you too.”

“Ya’ do?” It was his turn to jump from his seat at your words, his heart knocking against his chest as if it were about to explode from the override of emotions he was feeling at your words.

“Yeah, it’s embarrassing,” you laugh, “but I’ve liked you for some time now, I’m surprised you didn’t notice.”

His signature cocky smile is back on his face as soon as you say it and you wish you could take it back so he wouldn’t tease you, but would it really be Banri if he didn’t make fun of you even just a little bit.

“Shoulda’ known, no one can resist me.” He plopped himself next to you and you shove him slightly.

“Yeah, no one can resist you and your bowl cut.”

“You said it looked good!” He glares at you but you know he isn’t angry at all.

“Yeah when we were like 10?” You ruffle his hair, the soft strands gliding through your fingers and Banri is sure that if he had a tail it’d be wagging.

“Ya? Well why d’ya like me if I got a stupid bowl cut?” He grabs your hand and levels himself to look you in the eyes.

“Because you’re smart,” you lean closer and peck his lips, “and cute, even with that shitty hair.”

“You can’t insult me and compliment me like that! You're gonna give me whiplash, geez.” His eyes widen at your actions and he blushes a deep pink, and you do your best to memorize that look knowing it was rare.

“Ew, the NEO delinquent is flirting on our couch,” you both hear a whine from behind you two and you jump startled, “Now we’ve gotta clean it up.”

“We’d appreciate it if you kept the PDA minimal with the kids here, Settsu.” Sakyo glares at the young man, you could almost miss the soft smile as he watched his leader finally look like himself again.

“So, [Name], you two dating or what?” Izumi pokes her head out of her hiding spot, going straight to the point.

“Please, he probably didn’t even give ‘em the tickets.” Juza makes his way through the small crowd and into the kitchen area.

“Yes I did-“

“No you did not.” You correct him, causing the actor to blush even redder at your words.

“Told ya’.”

“Cut it off you guys!” The director scolded everyone in the room, too excited at the newly formed couple to care about much else, “Are you two dating?”

“I think we are.” You look at Banri who looked back at you, his scowling face softening until a smile broke out.

“We are.” He confirms, giving you a kiss on the cheeks with a smile and you feel light on your feet with excitement.

“I should start a match-making agency or something.” Izumi giggles at her comment, proud to finally have helped the young boy.

“With your dating life? Please.” Sakyo laughs at the younger woman.

[script-nef]

Fluff alphabets | Hinata Shouyou

Others: Kageyama, Oikawa,  Tsukishima

Category: fluff

Affection: How affectionate is he? How does he show affection?

Hinata constantly wants to be holding you in any way available to him. He shows his love for you through countless kisses, hugs, texts, phone calls—just about anything.

He’s not afraid to proclaim his affection for you on live TV or in interviews but that subsequently means a lot of articles are written about you. Every single one of them is about how much of a doting and loving boyfriend is.

Baby: Does he want to start a family?

Yes.

Children between you and him? Of course he wants them! He’ll wish for them to be carbon copies of you because you’re the best person he knows and by his logic, that means his children will also be the best!

Thanks to his experience with Natsu, he’s skilled in taking care of babies and showers them in endless love. Would spend all of his spare time with you and the kids and every other parent will be envious of you.

Cuddles: Does he like cuddling? How often does he like hugging?

Hinata leaps at any chance to be around you.

He’ll use the most trivial excuse or reason to hug you: you look down, I’m hungry, your hair was flying around and you looked pretty, I wanted to check if your shampoo changed and whatnot.

You pointed out that since you’re going out with him, he doesn’t really need an excuse you cuddle with you. That made a lightbulb spark and now he just attacks you with surprise hugs whenever he wants.

Date: What is a typical date?

Exploring hidden corners of the city. This boy cannot sit still and requires physical activities or he’s going to go insane with the amount of energy that stockpiles.

He would scour them online or get some recommendations from friends when visiting their cities, or even his fans in the form of comments. It would mainly be cafés/restaurants or trinket shops so he can buy you loads of presents.

Experience: How much has he dated before? How does that reflect in this one?

He was an adult when he met you and he went out once or twice before, but it didn’t go for very long. This relationship with you is the longest yet!

He learnt bits and pieces from his previous relationships like how to treat your significant other and what not to do when dating, but it’s mostly useless since he’s somehow very intuitive in this area.

Fight: Do you fight often with him? How does it usually end?

Fights are incredibly rare, nearly none each year. The fact that you’re both so understanding and kind plays a factor. 

He also hates fighting with you because he believes every moment with the person he loves needs to be happy, even though that’s unrealistic.

He’s incredibly stubborn and will argue with you if he thinks he’s right. The fight can drag out for days but you eventually reconcile through talking and spend the rest of the day cuddling.

Gentle: How does he treat you?

Hinata isn’t gentle, despite popular beliefs. He’s driven by his emotions way too much and won’t realise when he’s putting physical pressure on you. Of course, he’ll back off once you say it.

Once he realises you’ve been saying that a lot, he’ll try to restrain himself but it doesn’t work. The second he sees you it’s just “!!!! [Name]!!!” and all control is chucked out the window.

Hand: Does he like holding your hand? How often?

When walking down the street or relaxing in the house, his hand is always glued onto yours. He uses it to tug and maneuver you around crowds and streets to arrive at your destination quickly.

Sometimes he draws little characters or writes with his thumb on your hand and asks what he wrote. It’s always things like simplified versions of your favourite anime characters or “I love you”

Impression: What was your first impression of him?

“Who is this absolute sunshine and how can I love him?”

Hinata tried to help you find your way after you were lost but he’s directionally challenged as well so… In conclusion, you spent around an hour walking aimlessly around the town. In that time, you somehow fell for him and asked for his phone number first. 

Even though it was obvious that he was as lost as you, he did his best to calm you down and led the way with unearned confidence which stole your heart.

Jealousy: Does he get jealous easily? What sets him off?

This boy cannot feel jealousy. At least in the romance area.

His heart is too wide and pure for any ugly emotions to rear their head in. If someone is constantly around you he’ll think “[Name] is so popular! I’m so happy everyone knows how cool they are!” and that’s it.

He’ll get kind of pouty if you say Kageyama is cool in front of him though. Hinata knows Kags is incomparable in volleyball skills so it’ll set his competitive fire even stronger.

Kiss: Is he good at kissing? When does he kiss you?

He likes innocent pecks all over your face whenever the mood strikes him. He doesn’t kiss deeper than that voluntarily. Sure, he’ll do it once you say it but not by himself.

He presses longer ones to your lips when he’s absolutely elated and cannot express his emotions in any other way. 

Love: Who said “I love you” first? And when does he say it?

Hinata said it first with such ease and energy. Like it was something obvious and common.

It was as he was leaving for his morning jog and you called after him to take a jacket. He kissed you on your forehead and yelled “I love you!” as he was slipping out of the door. It left you dumbstruck and frozen from your spot until you melted with a blush.

It was, of course, returned when he came back with tons of kisses and hugs.

Memory: What’s his favourite memory with you?

The moment he saw you after winning his first match with you watching from the crowd. His head snapped to you as soon as the last point for the match was won and you had the most dazzling smile on. 

It just filled him with such joy and happiness to see that you took the time out of your busy schedule to watch him. His heart basically just exploded when you hugged him afterwards and gushed about how amazing he was flying around.

You came to plenty of his matches after that, but nothing ever beat that rush of exhilaration he felt from the first time.

Nickname: Does he give you a nickname? Do you have one for him?

You have plenty for him: sunshine, love, tangerine, cutie, Shou, my light and more cheesy ones in private. He once asked you why you don’t call him those ones in public in front of all his friends and teammates while listing them off which basically killed you.

Once he realised that it was slightly embarrassing, he exclaimed that he loves hearing the nicknames in your voice and you should never be embarrassed. But he still understands if you don’t want to call him that.

His nicknames include shortening your name or adding “-chan” to the end of it.

Open: How open is he about his feelings?

So open. Hinata will shout how much he loves you from rooftops and mountain peaks if he feels like it. He never lets you doubt his love for you and constantly reassures you

The first time he mentioned you by “I’ll be back in time for dinner, [Name]-chan!” before running to the changing room made everyone double-take. After that, even when he received a scolding, he always says “I was able to perform better because [Name]-chan was cheering for me!” or something like that

PDA: Is he fine with PDA? How far can he go?

King of PDA right here, does not give a damn where you are. If you’re next to him and he wants to hug or kiss you? Then you’re going to receive them affections, there is no escape.

A private room of a restaurant, in the middle of a busy shopping centre, in a couple’s seat in the cinemas, nothing matters to him other than you.

Quirk: Habits or something he does which is unexpected?

Likes hiking in the afternoon. He started it first because the rough terrain would be a good workout for his leg muscles and help him in volleyball, but eventually does it whenever he’s feeling restless or bored. He’s super thankful that Japan is like, 70% mountains and tries to visit a new one every week.

Begs you to tag along because the scenery is wonderful and he wants to share it with you. Hinata wasn’t lying when he said the sunset was beautiful, the view is stunning.

Sometimes brings a picnic basket whenever you’re feeling a little down and feeds you a mountain worth of food while watching the sky change into red and orange.

Relax: What activities do you do with him to relax?

Playing video games together, often competing against each other.

Hinata received a variety of popular video games from Kenma a while back and is determined to clear all of them. He spends hours and hours of free time with you, glued on the sofa with you on his lap. It doesn’t really last though, since you wiggle and squirm so much during Mario Kart.

It usually starts in the afternoon until dinner, just hours and light competitiveness and fun. The loser usually has to clean up after the meal is finished.

Support: How supportive is he of your dreams? What do you do for him?

He’s like a serotonin boost that even being around him makes you feel more energised and motivated. Whenever you feel wiped out or exhausted, he’s right there to say positive things and encourage you to finish the assignment which is causing a massive migraine.

When you’re done, he’ll have some chocolate and warm tea to help you relax.

You pack him cute lunch boxes if you have time in the morning and put sticky notes of loving messages in it. His teammates get jealous when they see him giggling and texting you a response. 

But the best way to support him is to attend his matches and cheer for him.

Talk: What does he like talking about?

He loves talking to you about the experiences he had overseas. How different and free Brazil is, how lively and funny everyone is. Or the new players he met and trained with when he has practice matches against them.

He loves it when you talk about your childhood and all the things you went through before meeting him. There’s always something new to find out about you and he won’t stop until he knows every single detail about your life.

Umbrella: What’s his favourite weather/season?

Hinata’s favourite weather reflects his personality: a warm summer’s day. Not one of those unbearably hot and humid ones but one where the cool wind blows and the sun is pleasantly warm on your skin. 

He uses these days to go on a walk around the neighbourhood with you, mostly ending with a stroll around the park. Of course, he slathers on sunscreen on the both of you because safety first and he really needs to get rid of the remaining suncream from Brazil.

Vaunt: Does he like showing you off?

Hell yes, this boy flaunts you to everyone who’s willing to listen. Why wouldn’t he? You’re literally the best person he knows!

Not obnoxiously like “[Name]-chan is better than anyone else!” but more of a fanboy style. For instance: “I went to one of their presentations secretly and they were so eloquent and perfect, I can’t believe they’re dating me” like he isn’t one of the most sought after athletes in the entire country.

It’s to the point where his fans can recite facts about you and it leaves you confused.

“Shouyou, why does the public know all these things about me?” “Ummm…”

World: Where does he take you for vacation?

Definitely Brazil, specifically the same city he spent two years in. When he arrives, he’ll try to introduce you to all of his friends and acquaintances with the biggest smile.

He acts as a tour guide and shows you all the hidden favourite spots he found in his time there. Also teaches you some Portuguese and learns Spanish with you.

Of course, playing beach volleyball takes up a large amount of time over there. You joined in a couple of times even though your skills were considerably lacking than the other side.

It was mainly just for fun and experience (and ogling at Hinata ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°))

X-ray: What happens when you’re injured or sick?

This is painful—because of his memory of The Fever, he always tries to keep his body in tip-top shape. So your concerns of him overworking himself or falling ill get reduced to a minimum.

If you’re the one that’s sick, then he’s by your bed 24/7, ready to do anything you want or need. He calls up Iwaizumi and his teammates for advice and writes everything down, following it to a T.

Yearn: How much does he miss/pine for you when apart?

So damn much. This boy misses you the moment he steps into the plane and texts you until the flight attendant tells him to put the device away. It’s mostly heart emojis and selfies so he can look at them while flying.

It becomes a ritual that no matter what, no matter the difference in time, you have to call each other at least 3 times a day. It doesn’t have to be meal times but it has to be at least 3 times.

If not, he’ll be sad for the rest of the day and sulk the entire time he’s off the court. Eventually, his teammates all call you to please help this moody wing spiker.

ZZZ: Does he have sleeping habits?

Fidgets and moves around a lot in his sleep. Always wakes up in a different position and he’s so confused and disorientated. 

This kind of makes it hard for you since you sleep together so the solution was: buy a king-sized bed. It was like a whole new experience.

It works well until he once pushed you off. Your yelp woke him up and he apologised so much and nearly cried even though you were laughing and said it was okay.

[canyouhearthelight]

The Miys, Ch. 111

This may be my favorite spooky story of the October, although I admit it is not the best one of the bunch by a long shot. It is a very-shortened and edited version of “Paid Piper” by Tanith Lee, from her collection Red as Blood, or Tales from the Sisters Grimmer. I don’t own the story in any way, shape, or form beyond owning 2 copies of the aforementioned book (one hardcover, one paperback). I don’t know if the story is in print anymore, but if you can find a copy that is legible, please consider picking it up. The 1983 edition is a retelling of 9 popular fairy tales, and I understand the 2014 edition has an extra one, based on “The Twelve Dancing Princesses”.

Quick shout out to @baelpenrose who had to sit through me writing this and the eventual reveal. ;) you are so patient, lol.

P.S. I am in the U.S, so if you have early voting in your state, please go vote now so you are exposed to fewer people. If you are still able to register to vote, please do. If you can’t vote in person, please vote by mail-in ballot and check local regulations on how to turn it in.

Once everyone stopped laughing, Maverick held up his hand. “I have a story,” he offered. After a brief moment, he accepted silence as permission to speak and started telling his story. 

“In the Muromachi Period, there was a small village named Bodaiju, which lay beside a river. Bodaiju was a prosperous village, for they gave offerings to Tesso in hope that the rats would not ruin each years’ harvest.  One late summer afternoon, the washer-woman’s daughter Himari was stealing a moment to wash her hair while her mother thought she was hard at work.  Himari dreamt of being a priestess in the temple and leading the prayers to Tesso, because the priestesses wore beautiful white robes with wide belts, and never had rough hands like Himari’s were.

“Just as she was wringing out her hair, Himari heard the song of an unusual bird. Following the song, she was surprised to find that it wasn’t a bird at all, but a young man playing a wooden flute.  As he played, animals drew close to him in curiosity, and even the trees seemed to bow closer in order to hear his music.  Himari had seen musicians before - they came every year during the harvest in hopes to earn extra coin by providing the entertainment for the local celebrations.  But none had played such music as the young man before her made now.  Himari’s heart and soul could feel the freedom of the sky and the mountains as he played, and her soul ached to see these things for herself.”

While Maverick wound his story, Simon leaned over to me and whispered, somewhat relieved, “This sounds like a fairy tale.”

I just arched a brow in a way that I hoped he would realize meant Just wait, or at least Really? Are you sure?

Maverick continued. “Without realizing, Himari stepped closer to the musician, snapping a twig beneath her foot as these things happen in stories like this. The music stopped, and the young man looked up at her.  Rather than anger at being interrupted, he was smiling gently. “Who are you?” he asked, as though she were the stranger in this land.

“I am Himari,” she answered. “Who are you?”

“Who do you think I am?”

“I thought it was a bird singing,” she responded, embarrassed. “Before I saw you.”

“The young man kept smiling. “I saw a temple in the distance. Who do you worship here?”

“We pray to Tesso,” Himari confessed, glancing down. “He keeps the rats from ruining our harvest.”

“Does he?” the musician asked before standing to walk away.

“Suddenly terrified, although she couldn’t say why, Himari turned as well and ran in the opposite direction, toward home. Even while her mother scolded her for being lazy, Himari felt she would rather be standing there than be back in that clearing in the woods.

“That night, Himari thought of the young musician. She berated herself for not getting his name, for not insisting he tell her where he was coming from or travelling to.  She berated herself even harder for being afraid of him with no reason.”

Beside me, Simon groaned as he realized what was happening.  Charly grinned viciously as she and Tyche rose to their feet to go back to pumpkin gutting, Conor and Coffey closely behind them.

Maverick raised his voice so they could hear, winking at our partner as the other man realized that Maverick couldn’t tell the story and work at the same time. “The festival of the harvest was three weeks later, and every night Himari thought of the musician. Would he be one of the entertainers playing that year, in the grand homes of the rich men in the village?  Even as she donned the snow-white robes and berry-red sash of a temple maiden - as all girls in the village were until they turned sixteen - she could not think of Tesso, or the fine clothes she was wearing instead of washing.  She could not even think of how rough her hands were when she touched the silk of her robes.

“She could only think of the nameless young man.

“As all the temple-maidens lined up behind the shrouded statue of Tesso that would be carried through the fields by the young men of the village, a familiar tune drifted on the breeze.  As faint as the music was, Himari could hear it as though it were played in her very ear.  Soon, the entire village could hear the beautiful music that swelled impossibly from a single wooden flute, played by a single young man in travelling clothes.  Himari forced herself not to gasp, not to look as though she had met him before.

“Blustering, the mayor asked the musician what he was doing, as the village had already paid for entertainment during the procession. “I only ask to play for your village,” the young man. “For the honor and joy of your people, for the prosperity of your harvest.”

“And you would charge us less than those we have already paid?” the mayor asked.

“I only ask that you pay me what I deserve.”

“After much haggling, during which the musician would only ask to be paid what he deserved, the mayor finally relented - not admitting that there were no other entertainers that year.  And so the procession began: first through the streets of Bodaiju, then over the river and into the fields.  For minutes, or hours, or days, the village marched and danced without feeling weary, without aching feet, following the nameless musician.  That day, the sun seemed to stand still in the sky as they celebrated their harvest for what felt like lifetime upon lifetime.

“But, eventually, every path within the village and every row in every field had been marched and danced upon, and the sun seemed to be upon the horizon after no time at all and an eternity.  The mayor, no less tired than when they began, turned to the musician. “I was wrong about you, young man,” he said. “I have never felt so well after a festival, and you deserve to be rewarded for all your hard work.  Whatever you want, in gold if you like.” Other men in the village clamoured to sweeten the deal, offering bread, honey, wine, fine cuts of meat, and the like.

“But the young man shook his head. “I want none of that,” he told them.

“Surely you didn’t play for free?”

“What I want is better than gold, or wine, or beef,” the musician told them. “I only want your hearts.”

“Incredulous, the mayor started laughing. “Our hearts?” he asked. “Our love? You are a stranger to us. Take our gold, our wine, even our finest horse, but we cannot love a stranger to our village.”

“Unphased, the young man shook his head. “If you will not give me your hearts willingly, then I will take them,” he promised.  Immediately, the men and women of the village began jeering the man, who no longer looked young at all. Stones were thrown at him behind slurs, both striking with sharp accuracy. With a sad smile, the man turned and began to leave the village, and though his flute was in his hand by his side, the music he had played for them echoed on the wind.  With a great chorus of baying and howling, no sooner had the no-longer-young man reached the gate of the village, than every dog from every home bounded after him with the ropes that bound them trailing.

“The air chilled as silence fell over the villagers, now as frightened as Himari had been when she met the man that first time by the river.  In the days and weeks after, Bodaiju was nearly silent and no one dared speak above a whisper.  Children were kept close to their mothers, even as siblings told each other that the musician would come back and eat their hearts if they misbehaved.

“However, as time does, months passed and nobody was found with their heart missing. Lovers still met in secret, and couples still married.  It seemed nothing had really changed in Bodaiju, the curse upon the village nothing but an empty threat.  Over the course of the winter, it was forgotten entirely.

“When summer began, and the first of the births that always followed the festival was stillborn, Bodaiju suddenly remembered the musician’s curse. By the end of the summer, no children had been born crying, and many mothers hearts were broken.  By the end of that year, there were no more births at all, and as the children of the village grew to be adults, no more laughter could be found in Bodaiju.  In the summer of Himari’s twentieth year, the river that watered their abundant crops dried up, and those that could left the village.  Even now, you will find Bodaiju on no map, and none whose family come from there, for the curse of a musician who could find no kind people in a village beside a river. All that remains the tale of Bodaiju, shared by those who left the village.”

Arthur leaned back and rested his weight on his hands as Maverick finished the story. “That’s…. Actually a terrifying idea,” he admitted, seemingly impressed.

Simon groaned again and rubbed his face briskly. “At least if that one was true, it happened a long time ago,” he sighed. “Much less terrifying that way.”

“Because the idea that a mysterious stranger could cause every person in a small village to spontaneously become sterile is so far from reality,” Grey intoned solemnly, gesturing at all of us.  Maverick and I both snickered, but Simon paled when he realized the irony. They gave us a small smile before continuing. “I honestly feel badly for the young man… He just wanted to be loved for who he was.”

“Are you kidding!?” Charly called over. “That didn’t give him the right to take all the dogs!”

That set Arthur chuckling. “Because stealing the dogs was the worst thing he did in that story. Certainly not magical mass-infanticide.”

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[for-ests]

Her Way: Terushima Yuuji x Reader

Request: okay this is my first request from u ever, but could you do like a terushima x reader where he loves to suck your boobs LMFAO my tits need love.. or another kuroo x reader? nsfw is fine and fluff is too 😭you write so amazingly well like 😩💕💕💕 @ironfireegghuman 

Your wish is my command. Terushima needs some love as well 🥰 (thank you sm for the compliment babes)

word count: 1, 716

warnings: NSFW + smut

“Really Yuuji?” You sighed deeply from his sudden, flirtatious touch. Though it was sometimes irritating, it was one that always sent your heart racing. 

Even after he had ignored you for over an hour, the second he paid the slightest amount of attention to you, your heart fluttered with excitement.

“I know you wore that shirt on purpose.” He whispered, creeping his hand up your side to start massaging your breasts. He was right, you had—but you would never tell him that.

You were far too proud for that, way too proud. Your ego was almost as inflated as his, so much so that you were contemplating leaving his house from how blatantly he had ignored your presence.

“You know you drive me crazy.” He groaned in a low tone, trying to lure you into the same desire he had.

Your shirt was a cut that hung low, dangerously low, and one that you only wore around him on your lounging dates. Paired with your grey sweatpants, your figure was lethal.

“Can I see?” He teased, nuzzling the crook of your neck sensually, his hot breath fanning across your skin. “I missed you.”

Snorting through your nose at his sad attempt to try and get into your pants, you rolled away from him. “Funny how you’re saying that now when you’ve been playing video games for the last hour.”

“Don’t be like that.” Terushima rolled his eyes, retaining his eager grip along your sides, desperate to pull you closer. “When I told you the boys were gonna be on I meant it.”

Sighing dramatically, you crossed one leg over the other to accentuate your hips. “It’s just video games, I really don’t get it.” You expressed your annoyance, even if a slight smirk was visible on your lips. Teasing him for making you wait was the ultimate goal, even if your words had some truth behind them. You were rarely serious, but right now, you were not patient. You wanted attention, but were never going to beg for it.

You always got your way in the end.

Terushima shifted, causing the bed to shake until he crawled back next to you. “Well I stopped early to pay attention to you.”

You stuck your tongue out when he peaked over your shoulder at your facial expression. “Thank you for treating me like royalty.” Sarcasm was thick in your tone, edging him on even further—practically daring him to make the next move.

After all, you would never be caught dead asking for his attention. To you, his time was mandatory, especially your sexual needs.

There was a brief moment of silence that settled between the two of you. It seemed that he was trying to think of something to say, but ultimately Terushima realized all he had to do was show you. Your words were a challenge, like they often were. You weren’t about filler words, only actions.

“You know what?” The second year smirked. “You’re gonna get it for this stupid little attitude thing you’ve got going on. I’m sick of it.”

You were lying on your side, and suddenly, he flipped you onto your back. You barely had time to process what was happening. He moved too fast, and you were much smaller, much lighter than him.

“Oh yeah?” You threw your head back, but stopped mid-laugh when you felt Terushima’s hands slip under your shirt, curling around the hem and pulling it over your breasts.

Dominating you was hardly a challenge. He trapped your legs beneath his, while his hands continued to get rid of the rest of your garments.

That’s exactly how you liked it.

“Show me what’s mine.” He demanded with a devilish smile, knowing his words would rile you up. This type of foreplay was rare, but when it happened, you ended up having the best sex. You didn’t have to outright say that you enjoyed when he was rough with you, how quickly you succumbed to his actions was enough to make that clear.

“Tell me you’re mine.” Terushima repeated again, leaning down to finally press his mouth against the flesh of your breast.

“I’m yours.” You glanced away shyly, cheeks inflaming by how deeply he was gazing into your eyes. “Do what you want with me.”

“Mmm, that’s what I like to hear.” He mumbled against your sensitive skin. “You’re so fucking sexy like this.”

Pausing his kiss to tease you even further, Terushima reached forward and practically lifted your body up with one arm so he could tear your sweatpants off.

Seconds later he took his shirt off, revealing his incredibly toned torso, one that you couldn’t help but reach out and run your fingers across.

He seemed to be wasting no time tonight. Your boyfriend wanted you just as badly as you wanted him.

“You are too.” You breathed, your eyes already trailing down to the bulge forming through his own pair of sweatpants.

With a wicked glint in his eyes, Terushima took your compliments as a plea to continue, and continue he did, snaking between your legs fervently. You wrapped them around his waist, allowing him even further access to your body.

“Fuck, babe.” He groaned, enjoying the tempestuous weight you unloaded upon him.

Starting with a distracting kiss on the lips, Terushima looped his arms around your torso, unclasping your bra. He tossed it to the floor, peppering kisses along your jawline and down your neck. A whimper escaped your lips as he massaged your breasts, thumbing over your nipples again.

Breathlessly moaning for more, your hands traced lines of encouragement down his exposed, muscular biceps. “I love you.” You whispered, knowing he would take his time playing with your chest, his favorite part. One of the most beautiful parts about you.

The wetness of his glossy lips trailed across your collarbone and down between your breasts. “I love you too.” Terushima’s breath felt hot, causing you to shudder in response. He was edging you on in every way he knew possible.

The hot metal of his tongue piercing swirled around your erect nipple, edging a deeper throat-ed groan to escape your lips. You squirmed beneath him, ashamed of how easy it was for you to come undone beneath his fingertips.

Your breathing deepened at the warm contact, hands gripping his back for more. He chuckled at your sudden eagerness, his mumbling sending ripples of desire coursing down your spine.

You tightened your legs around his waist and pulled his stiffness against your center. Your shortened breaths made it clear of what you wanted—Terushima knew it was him.

His lips left a trail of fire from your neck down to your collarbone, sucking roughly to mark you as his own.

He mouthed at your nipples, and his hips grinded roughly against your own. You arched your back at the pleasurable sensation, his touch igniting something deep inside of you.

“Y-Yuuji,” You moaned a little too loudly.

“Y/N,” he exhaled, pulling off your nipple to bite into the soft flesh just below the spot he had already ravished. “Shh…” He whispered against your skin, grinding his hips against you, jolting your body so roughly that your breasts bounced in response. “My roommates might be home.”

“I don’t care.” You whispered, knowing that even if you were quiet they were probably listening. For all you knew, from their countless compliments and from Terushima’a endless bragging—they could possibly be enjoying it.

His fingers traced down to your core, thumbing over the outline of your pussy, teasingly pressing hard until your hips instinctively bucked against them.

“You want me that bad, huh?” He chuckled, finally taking the step forward to loop his finger around the thin band of your striped, dark red thong. He strove to get you naked as soon as possible.  Both of you were impulsive and impatient.

“Yes.” A strangled confession admitted, your hands reaching out to massage his growing bulge that hardened by the second. Fumbling with the waistband, you tried to tug it off.

But Terushima wasn’t finished yet, he bent back down to lick over your already moistened skin, determined to make your chest area darken from his love bites. He wanted to mark you in every place possible— especially the visible places.

There was no denying how attractive you were, how badly every guy wanted to have you. When you worked him up this much, it was incredibly hard for him to stay gentle.

“God…” He groaned, watching your head tilt back in pleasure, skin blossoming with the purple and blue marks he had left behind.The view of you begging for his pleasure was an image that never failed to leave his mind. It was one that he would never grow sick of.

But of course, he couldn’t admit that.

Your silky (H/C) locks fanned out around your head, your sheepish smile intoxicating. Terushima kissed you deeply, rolling his tongue across your plumped bottom lip. You extended your hands out to his pants, and you tugged them down just as forcefully as he had done to your shirt.

If he wasn’t going to finish the deed, you were going to. After all, you always got your way.

“Slow down…” He chuckled, swatting your hands away, yet flattered by your forwardness—Terushima always knew he was doing something right when he managed to get you this flustered and upset.  

“No…” You whined and glanced to the clothing he had previously peeled from your body. They lay in a pile, hanging off the side of the bed, taunting you. “I’m done playing, I need you now.” Your lips formed a thin line of determination, knowing it wasn’t fair that you were the only one naked.

“Fine.” Terushima promised, once again swirling his tongue around your hardened breasts, ecstatic to hear you moan his name and watch you squirm beneath him.

Foreplay was nice, but watching you bounce against his cock was the most sinful sight he could ever wish for. The hedonistic expression that spread across your face when he thrusted into you, eyes rolling back, was enough to make him forget about anything he had tried before.

Especially the way your breasts would bounce in his face, taunting him to punish you further. Every time you rode Terushima, he would bury his face into your chest and suck, always pushing you over the edge into a blissful orgasm.

He loved to see you the next morning with tired, sheepish eyes and chest littered with his love bites. The first thing you would complain about was how sore you were. Your hips would always hurt because of how roughly he would hold them down.

But that was what you liked. And you always got your way.

[fanfictionaries]

Giiiiirl, I am CRAVING some baking with Bucky. Like some good old recipe from his mom or sisters, eating half the batter, being all innocent and goofy. Maybe Reader introducing him to the world of cupcakes with a second batch of batter they make. Just a sweeeet baking day ❤️

I made myself happy sad with this one. XD 

Might be a little more angsty than you were looking for, but all the sweet fluff is there as well! 

Inspired by my own great great grandmother’s recipe. 

Orange Rolls

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x female reader

Words: 3k

Warnings: None, just the fluffiest fluff you can imagine; slight angst. 

Author’s Note: I loved doing this, so please people. Send me more requests! ALSO this is an actual family recipe of mine. I recommend trying it! 

I recommend listening to this song while reading this: https://open.spotify.com/track/7pR7yPgbYcipmTUHT5g68p?si=nQZeCOmoTcm43qOI1YRPNA

***

Step 1. Dissolve 2 yeast cakes in ¼ cup warm water.

The room was alight in the glow of soft warm sun. Nestled in your blankets, you rubbed the sleep from your eyes and yawned widely, stretching and turning to snuggle into the familiar warmth of Bucky. Firm muscle, soft skin, ticklish arm hair – all missing. Instead only cool sheets, drawn back on his side of the bed. You didn’t have to check the time to know it was early, but you rolled over to the bedside table to check your phone anyways. Five AM. Much too early to be up on a Sunday morning, even for your early bird of a super soldier. Rolling onto your back, you stayed quiet, attempting to hear any signs of life in the small apartment. Perhaps he’d only gotten up to use the bathroom. The sound of heavy items falling and a string of curses coming from the kitchen brushed away the thought. Jumping out of bed, you pulled one of Bucky’s large sweatshirts over your head and stepped into your slippers.

When you rounded the corner, the first thing you noticed was the expanse of your pantry laid out onto the floor. The second thing you noticed was Bucky, sat cross-legged in the middle of the array of flours, sugars, and spices, head in his hands. You knew this look. This crumpled, defeated look that so few had the privilege to witness. Everyone saw the stoic, cold Winter Soldier. So little saw Bucky Barnes, a kid from Brooklyn. Tiptoeing around the spilled bags of sugar, flour, and sprinkles, you stood beside him, leaning over and placing a gentle hand to his back, rubbing soft, slow circles.

“Nightmares?” you asked, moving your hand up to thread through his freshly cropped hair, scraping your fingernails against his scalp. Bucky tilted his head back, leaning into your touch like a cat leaving its scent. You could see the telltale signs; red rimmed eyes, pink tipped nose, raw bitten lips.

“No, no nightmares. I uh…I had a dream about my mom,” Bucky answered, the end of his sentence biting off in a short, harsh laugh. You held your breath. It flattered you that Bucky felt comfortable enough with you to share the gory, ugly details of his past – the things that kept him up at night. The things he thought you couldn’t love him for. But never had he talked about his family. The only memories of his past life you ever heard were the ones Steve brought up, the rowdy stories of two young men up to no good in 40’s Brooklyn. Yet on his own, Bucky remained silent about his life before the war. You never pushed him. It would be cruel of you to press a subject that was most likely too painful for him to think about. Now, the waver in his voice and the tears that welled in his eyes told you that that assumption had been correct.

“I was sittin’ in my old kitchen and uh—” he sniffed, taking a moment to clear his throat “—it was Easter. I know it was Easter ‘cause ma made orange rolls. She only ever made them on Easter. And it—it was the best damn orange roll I’ve ever had. I woke up and I remembered Steve brought over some boxes of my family’s old things, stuff Rebecca left behind I guess, and I found this.”

In his hand he held an aged recipe card, stained from years of use. The yellowed card stock was bent and torn, but the writing still held clear, thick and messy in some places as if it had been traced over multiple times. It was well used. Well loved. At the top, clearly labeled in large looped font, were the words ‘Orange Rolls’.

“I couldn’t get the taste out of my mouth. I figured I’d try to make them, but I wasn’t much for the kitchen back then, let alone now. And—and you don’t have any yeast cakes. I can’t make them without yeast cakes (Y/N). It’s the first ingredient and I can’t—” The words broke off, catching in the back of his throat. He wrapped his arms around your legs, clinging to them like a broken child. Rolling off of him in waves, the permeating sadness and longing washed over you, breaking your heart with each hit.

“I don’t think they make yeast cakes anymore Bucky—” you spoke slowly, choosing your words carefully. At the statement, you felt his arms tighten in a panic. You were quick to placate him “—but I have some dry active yeast that I think should work. Why don’t we clean this up and then see what we can do, yea?”

Step 2. Warm 1 cup milk, add ½ cup sugar, 3 Tbsp shortening, 2 tsp salt.

Turns out, a single yeast cake is equal to approximately 4 and ½ tsps of dry active yeast. After this joyous announcement and your internal praise to Google’s ever living library of knowledge, Bucky was up on his feet, standing in front of the stove over a saucepan of milk.

“How do you know when it’s warm?” he asked, looking curiously down at the pan of milk in front of him.

“Stick your finger in it, if it feels warm, then it’s probably warm,” you answered sarcastically, reaching into the depths of your pantry for the Crisco. A rarely used, but very important staple for any kitchen.

“What? I’m not sticking my finger in it,” said Bucky, watching with rapt horror as you walked up beside him and dipped the tip of your pointer finger into the warm, white liquid.

“I think it’s warm enough to put the sugar in. What?” you asked him when you saw the look of exasperation on your boyfriend’s face.

“You put your finger in the milk.”

“And? My hands are clean. You watched me wash them. Don’t tell me you’re afraid of catching cooties. Cause I hate to break it to you but, you probably already have them.” Lifting on your toes, you placed a sweet, soft kiss to his lips. Catching you around the waist before you could drop back down, Bucky kissed you back with slow purpose.

“Is that right?” he asked teasingly, breaking away from your lips ever so slightly.

“Afraid so,” you murmured against the soft, heat of his mouth.

Step 3. Beat in 3 eggs, 2 cups flour, and add dissolved yeast. Let rise for 1 hour.

The wet dough sat on the counter; a kitchen towel draped lightly over it. By this time, the sun had fully crested over the city skyline, pouring blinding light into the small space of your kitchen. The two of you sat at the kitchen island, sipping your coffee as you waited for the dough to rise. Your bare feet sat, propped in Bucky’s lap, the thumb of his metal hand absentmindedly rubbing the arch of your right foot as he spoke animatedly.

“You should have seen her. Becca was so mad; I thought her head was going to spin all the way around!” laughed Bucky, the creases at the corners of his eyes making a warm and welcome appearance as he regaled a story that you had never heard before.

“Well that’s what she got for touching your stuff,” you said, taking Bucky’s side in the long forgotten sibling argument.

“Thank you! See, you get it. I wish I could say the same for my parents. My pa gave me such a lickin’ and then ma sent me off to bed with no dinner. All for putting worms in her bed!”

“Did she get in trouble for letting your pet frog loose?” you asked, enraptured by the story.

“No! Do you know how hard it was to find a frog in Brooklyn?”

“Impossible. I don’t even know how you did it.”

“Well, really it was Steve that found him—”

“Him? Did he have a name?” you interrupted him with a cheeky smile.

Bucky scratched the back of his head, a light pinkness appearing on his cheeks, “He might of…”

“Aaaand?” you pressed, wanting to know the name even more at the prospect of it being embarrassing.

“I don’t know if I wanna’ tell you. I think you’re just gonna laugh.”

“I won’t! I promise!” you exclaimed, drawing an invisible cross over you heart.

Bucky looked at you skeptically, a raised eye trained on you before answering, “Fine. It was Mr. Ribbits.”

You tried your hardest, really you did. But a snort escaped your nose before you could stop it and then Bucky was playfully pushing your legs off of his lap and turning away from you, “See! I knew you’d laugh. You’re such a bad liar!”

“I’m sorry!” You reached for him, still attempting to stifle your giggles as you pulled at Bucky’s arm, turning him back towards you. “Really, I am. I think Mr. Ribbits is a respectable name.”

“Thank you. It is.” His tone was resolute, but it didn’t take a trained eye to spot the small smile working its way onto the corner of his lips. “But no, Becca didn’t get in trouble. In fact, my pa said I was too old to be picking up animals off the street anyways.”

“How old were you?”

“I think I was about ten.”

Step 4. Add 3 cups flour and beat in with spoon. Let raise 1 and ½ hours.

“We have to wait again?!”

“Yea, we have to let the dough rise, otherwise the rolls will be tough and there won’t be enough to roll out,” you explained, placing the towel over the bowl once again and reaching for your empty coffee cups.

“But I thought we just did that,” said Bucky in confusion. You tried not to smile at him, but the cute little scrunch of his eyebrows made you a weak and gooey fool.

“Baking is more of an art in patience than skill. Especially any kind of bread, babe. Don��t worry, once they’re done, they’ll be more than worth the wait,” you reassured him, patting his cheek gently.

“Well…can we make something else while we wait? What’s your favorite thing to bake?” Bucky asked, his innocent tone making him sound like a wide-eyed child.

You smiled, big and happy, and walked over to the recipe box that sat atop the fridge. Taking it down and setting in on the counter in front of you, you dug into the baking section and produced a handful of recipe cards.

“Take your pick soldier.”

Step 5. Roll out dough and spread on icing – 2 cups sugar, 1 orange: rind grated and juiced, 6 Tbsp melted butter. Roll, cut, and place in muffin tin. Cover and let raise 20 mins.

“Stop eating all the batter!” you scolded, whacking the back of Bucky’s hand with a spatula. The impact had no effect, the sneaking man having had the forethought to use his metal hand.

“If I wasn’t supposed to eat it this way, then why is it so delicious?” he argued, sneaking another finger into the chocolate concoction and bringing it to his mouth.

“Because it’s five pounds of sugar and fat,” you laughed, grabbing hold of his wrist and bringing the chocolate covered finger to your mouth instead. “Also – how is it gross for me to dip my finger into the milk but you can have these grubby little paws buried deep in my brownie batter?”

The question caught Bucky off guard. Raising his hand up, he wiggled the vibranium fingers in your face, “Metal arm – they’re, uh, sterile.”

You guffawed, absolutely tickled by the lame response, “Sterile. Okay. Well, preheat the oven Mr. Sterile.”

Using the spatula, you scraped the double chocolate chip brownie batter into the greased pan. Strong arms wrapped around your waist and a head came to rest on your shoulder, watching you scrape the sides of the bowl. Nuzzling his face into your neck, he placed a gentle kiss just below your ear.

“You know, you’re getting pretty mouthy these days. I have half a mind to take you over my knee,” Bucky growled playfully.

Before your brain could connect with what your body was doing, the spatula had already lifted away from the bowl and made contact with the side of his face. The wet splat of batter to skin sounded plainly through the kitchen. Releasing you from his hold, Bucky stepped back, his expression vacant and shell-shocked.  Dropping the spatula back into the bowl, you covered your face with your hands as you tried not to lose it. He looked positively ridiculous. Chocolate covered the left side of his face, dripping down from his brow bone to his chin. You watched as he brought a hand up slowly, touching his face and bringing it back down to examine it. He stared at the chocolate proof on his fingertips for a few moments as you waited with horrific anticipation.  

“Oh, that’s it, doll. You better run.”

The menacing words sent your heart rate soaring. A playful shriek escaped your lungs as you bolted from the kitchen, Bucky on your heel with a growl in the back of his throat.

Step 6. Place in the oven at 375 for 10-15 minutes. Makes around 3 dozen.

The brownies, already baked and cooling on the counter, were long forgotten as Bucky sat in front of the oven. Arms wrapped around his bent legs, he watched as the orange rolls slowly rose in their muffin tins.

“When are they gonna be done?” he asked you, staring into the depths of the oven like a fortune teller stares into their crystal ball. Like if he looked hard enough, he’d find all the answers to the universe.

“About five more minutes.” You sat down beside him, leaning into his side as the two of you watched his long-forgotten memories rise. You were excited to try the rolls. It was a recipe you had never heard of, which was a rare thing. But most importantly you were excited to try a little piece of Bucky’s life. A piece of the man, the boy, that he used to be before life happened. It felt special and intimate.

“What if they’re not as good as I remember?” The words were soft and honest. You could feel the same sadness and apprehension as earlier that morning drift from him to you. Leaning against him firmer, you took his hand into yours. Threading the warm flesh into your own, you continued to stare into the heat of the oven.

“They will be.”

Step 7. Enjoy.

The rolls were a beautiful sight. Small, golden brown swirls in a neat, compact shape. The sugar filling had melted down into the bottom of the pan, creating and thick and chewy caramel layer at the bottom of each one. A delicious detail that Bucky said was supposed to happen, but also made it incredibly difficult to pry them from their tins. Still, with the help of a butter knife and a lot of patience, the two of you were able to get most of them out unscathed. A buttery orange scent swirled through the air, causing your mouth to salivate as they sat atop of the wire cooling rack. The two of you sat at the kitchen island, staring at the rolls in silence – you with a look of anticipation, Bucky with a look of confusion.

“What is it?” you asked, wondering if he still doubted that they would hold up to his dream.

“I’m pretty sure they had frosting.”

While the recipe didn’t call for it, Bucky insisted that they always had a frosting on them. After a few minutes of questioning about what kind of frosting it was, or at least what it looked and tasted like, you came to the conclusion that it was most likely a simple glaze. A few minutes later, you each had a plate in front of you with a single, gooey, glistening orange roll sat pristinely on it.

You were starving. You’d been up for nearly five hours and you hadn’t eaten anything yet. But you didn’t dare dig in until Bucky had his first bite. Reaching out tentatively, he picked up the roll, twisting and turning it, inspecting it with a warry expression. Holding your breath, you watched as he brought the baked good to his lips and took a generous bite. He chewed, and chewed, and chewed – each second leaving you with more consternation than the last. When he finally swallowed, he set the rest of the roll down onto his plate and heaved a heavy sigh. Your heart dropped.

“No good?” you asked, fearing you already knew the answer from the way his shoulders bunched over the counter.

Looking to you, tears once again welling in his eyes, Bucky did something unexpected. He kissed you. A firm, chaste kiss that lasted only a moment but formed butterflies in your stomach before he pulled back.

“They’re even better than I remember.”

The proclamation sent your heart soaring. You let out the breath you’d been holding, feeling your own tears of relief and joy begin to well. Blinking them back, you smiled at him, blinded by the dazzling smile you received in turn.

“Well then, let’s eat them all because I am famished,” you replied, picking up your own orange roll and taking a giant bite. The mix of soft, warm bread, zesty orange, chewy caramel, and sweet frosting set your taste buds alight. As you chewed, you envisioned a ten year old Bucky sitting in his mother’s kitchen on Easter morning. Curly brown hair, all teeth and dimples in his Sunday best and as happy as a kid could be. Why?

Because this was the best damn orange roll you’d ever had.

Marvel Taglist: 

@caffiend-queen

@hidden-behind-the-fourth-wall