#but I wanted to clarify some things about OCD anyway

[mirror-imaged]

actually thinking about a dds remake again I think one of the main things I'd LIKE them to change is the love triangle subplot because it's fucking pointless to me and narratively has a bunch of stupid implications. however they wouldn't remove it because of how much the conflict between heat and serph is fueled by it and the entirety of coord136 is as well, so I think what they should do is like. make it a little more fucked up. like, she has control over these people. she literally created them. also we all agree (i hope) that whatever sera has going on with being an artificially aged up 8ish (idr her exact age) year old means she is like. not ready for a relationship, even if you ignore the age gap of 18 to 22 and 24 being weird as hell anyway. just clarifying because i will explain what i mean by fucked up and it is absolutely not that i want even more content of this godforsaken romance plot

imo, she is not characterized as well in the games and I feel is written less as a character and more as a plot device. quantum devil saga makes this stand out like a sore thumb, because she is written much better there. she is a heavily traumatized child being actively abused by the people around her, one of whom is her own mother. she does display trauma symptoms in the games, but it's not explored enough in a way that feels realistic to me. even in the parts where she's leading the story in dds2.

she is surrounded by bad examples and pretty much always has been. i feel like they never let her express that or go into how that might affect her worldview. when she's treated kindly by her caretakers, its always deceptive and for the purpose of making her do something that hurts her. she's never had a good example of interpersonal relationships in any way.

if they remade the game at any point, in addition to wanting her to have more time to explore her personal trauma, i also would like the story to maybe take a little influence from qds to show that she has direct control over the people in the junkyard. she has not seen romance really, but she is a child, so her ideals are shaped by what she has experience with. it'd only be natural for her to see relationships as inherently transactional, like the way the research team treats her. the way her own mother treats her. so, i think reframing the whole romance thing as something influenced by her worldview makes a lot of sense. she is obviously uncomfortable and actively upset when heat like. forcibly kisses her in the game. showing it as something she is forcing onto both heat and serph as an incomplete perspective on how she thinks about sheffield and obrien has a lot of potential to make her character more fleshed out, I think. definitely more than whatever the love triangle was.

either way, I think sera deserved a lot more characterization than she got in the games. including independently of the other characters, my ocd brain needs me to clarify I do not see her as a vehicle for yaoi or whatever happens when annoying fandoms get their hands on female characters and i do not see her as an accessory to men in her life. sorry if that's an unnecessary clarification I just feel like if I don't make it clear I'll die or something. sera is a heavily traumatized person taking agency in a situation where she has none and has suffered so much for it. she is undoubtedly a kind and genuine person, but she's also definitely not quite this innocent perfect gentle female character that she kinda gets depicted as in the games. let her be messy. she has essentially developed what i read as being similar to a trauma-based dissociative disorder she is not going to be this epitome of a damsel in distress needing to be saved being so innocent and feminine etc etc weird misogyny. satomi tadashi i love SOME of your character writing but other times it is atrocious. you are not seeing those pearly gates

edit / addition from like ten minutes later - i also would like to clarify (out of ocd brain again sorry) that i do not see her as a villainous or like manipulative person nor do i mean to imply whatever happened with heat is like Her Being In Control etc etc whatever people like to say about female victims being "seductresses" i just see her as more interesting in QDS with how shes written to be more twisted and to directly fight back as a trauma response ig? its more relatable and realistic to me. and the situation in this case is a bit different since he and everybody else in the embryon are idealized versions of people she knows and also figments of her imagination / mind / coping mechanism. i hope that makes sense. i am not trying to justify what happens with him i would actually much prefer if they cut it altogether i just know they wont cuz theyre atlus :/

[dazedpuppydairies]

A couple weeks ago I was filling out one of the applications for disability, I think it was the function report. Anyway one of the questions was something along the lines of, "Do you do better with written instructions or verbal instructions?" At first when I was actually filling out the report I answered with verbal instructions because I have serious reading comprehension issues, due to ADHD and it's come to my attention that I probably have dyslexia. So I explained that on the report and then I went on to explain that I do, do better with verbal instructions; however, I need someone there to keep clarifying things for me. Now that I've been thinking about it for a couple weeks I realize I don't actually do particularly well with written instructions or verbal instructions and because of that I kind of need a mix of both. Like if you give me a long list of instructions I'm probably going to have a very difficult time reading it and you're probably going to have to explain it to me anyway due to comprehension issues, but if you give me a long verbal list and then walk away I'm not going to process everything. Hell I might not even hear half of it because my mind drifted off into some strange place that I didn't intend it to. If we're being completely honest between the ADHD thoughts in the OCD thoughts I can't think straight A lot of the time. I think I do best when someone explains something to me and then leaves me with a simple list. Anyway when people are making up these reports they're clearly not really thinking about comorbidities so the questions are super black and white when the answers often aren't. Of course I probably could have written down that I do best with a mix of verbal and written instructions, but due to the way the question was worded it took me weeks to even realize that that was an option. Filling out this report was so hard for me like they don't really make it easy for disabled people to fill out the reports that we need to fill out to get disability benefits. Anyway I know that this was kind of a random post, but I've been thinking about this on and off for weeks and wanted to talk about it. Also if you were wondering how I manage to write these long posts with reading, reading comprehension, spelling and grammar issues I have a huge tip! Throughout the writing process put your writing into a text to speech application it makes the process so so much easier.

[harryforvogue]

FIC ANNOUNCEMENT // 7′S THE NUMBER

HELLLOOOOO. IT’S BEEN A MINUTE!!!! kind of, at least.

i had the idea to write divorced!harry x ex-girlfriend!OC while i was writing WTSS and i decided it was only fair that i end up writing it! this story is about harry and lucía.

**i wanna clarify before we go any further than lucía is NOT harry’s ex wife. they did not get a divorce. harry’s ex wife is a different person**

this story includes the lovely trope that is lovers to friends to lovers (and it’s my first time writing this so be gentle pls). a few things to note about Lucía is that she has OCD and it’s frequently mentioned in the story, so if it’s triggering or something you prefer not to read, then by all means skip this story! there’s a very very brief mention of a parent’s death. obviously there’s mention of marriage issues, divorce, and some good ole smut. to make up for all the negative stuff in this fic, i’ve allowed harry to keep his long hair and man bun throughout the story so... i hope you can forgive me!

also, i’m experimenting with my writing style... yet again, so this fic has multiple POVS and first person narrative. i know i’m pushing it with the OC and the narration form but GIVE IT A TRY!!!!! MAYBE YOU’LL ENJOY IT! 

anyways, this fic is scheduled to be posted on Friday, October 15 at 1PM EST! below is a sneak peek!

***

Lucía’s place is closer to my office, which will work out well for me. I plan on just dropping my bags and leaving so I can head to work this morning. I don’t see any reason why I have to go into work late. 

Lucía clearly thinks differently about this. Especially when she opens her door, still in her pajamas, hair unraveling out of her hair tie. And she wears the most irritated look on her tired face. Her expression is shadowed and the side of her cheek has a print of her pillow pressed into her skin. Compared to her, I’m dressed in a sweater and jeans, more suitable for the weather.

“You’re upset,” I carefully note. “What have I done this time?”

When Lucía’s extremely angry, she can’t bring herself to talk. It’s a weird thing about her and I’ve laughed at it before, but it does not seem like a laughing matter this time. She grounds her teeth and hisses, “It’s 6 in the morning.”

“Yes,” I answer, confused. “Hey, can I come in? It’s really cold.”

She’s shivering already from the cold air I’ve brought inside the house. I push my way past her, dropping my bags. “Hey, this is a really nice place.”

“I’m going to strangle you.”

“Why’d you sleep so late? Look, I got you donuts, alright? So don’t be mad at me, woman.”

Lucía looks at the donuts with distaste and then narrowed her eyes and snatches them. “I am going to sleep for an hour more. Do not wake me.”

I’m not going to, wanting to keep all my body parts intact. Instead, I do the only acceptable thing since I have some time to spare. I make myself a cup of coffee and begin snooping.

To be fair, I’m not going into depth with my detective work, simply scoping the place and trying to see what’s different about the way Lucía sets up her apartment. When we lived together, she was never particular about how we decorated, leaving that completely up to me (with the exception of her office which she swore if I ever entered without her permission, she’d maim me, but I never blamed her because I hate people messing around with my work when I’m absent, too.). Since the interior decorating was mainly on me, I designed the apartment how I would design it if I were living alone and it worked quite well. Hence why I’m interested to see what she’s done differently. I begin with the kitchen.

It’s the basics, with her kitchen island in the middle and a few stools perched around it. There are four, but only one looks slightly worn down which suggests she doesn’t have many people over. As soon as I realize that, I look around for pictures on the walls of her friends or family. Surprisingly, as opposed to her desk at work, she doesn’t have any of those up, just a few paintings and wall decor that I could have picked out myself. In fact, I would lean towards these abstract works of art rather than scenic, so I think that perhaps I’ve had an influence on her taste.

Still, it’s peculiar that she doesn’t have any framed pictures, despite her having lived in this apartment for two years. The living room has a TV in the corner and a regular sized couch with a dark grey throw flung over the back cushions. I sit down and cross my legs. I would snoop in her room if that were allowed. But then I remember she’s most likely prepared a room for me, so with newfound excitement, I’m back on my feet to check out my new living space.

Remaining completely quiet as I pass the bedrooms, I realize she hasn’t exactly told me which bedroom is mine, so it’s a guessing game between these two adjacent rooms. Both of the doors are closed. I go for the one on the left.

Lucía’s fast asleep on the bed, burrowed in her blankets with her head and curly hair peeking out. My hand tightens on the door handle, but I can’t seem to move, either into the room or away from it. She’s got the same troubled expression on her face that’s always there when she sleeps, despite her having a good rest. She’s not having a bad dream, I know that much, but one look at her and I immediately want to press the crease away from her forehead like I used to years ago.

Not allowed, I firmly remind myself, swallowing. I take a step back and shut the door behind me. Well. It’s got to be the next door, doesn’t it?

It’s a decent sized room with clean white sheets spread over the bed, a window behind the head board, and a joint bathroom. There’s a twist in my stomach at the sight of the empty bed. I don’t feel like snooping anymore. I go to the kitchen to make myself breakfast.

I can’t get the image of Lucía asleep out of my head. Definitely not while I’m painfully aware of the fact that she’s only a few steps away.

[adventuresofarainbowcrip]

Hi! Bonjour!

I’ve never written a blog before. I guess I’ll just start by introducing myself. My name is Nirvana. I am a 30-year-old queer disabled cis white woman. “Rainbow” is because I identify as queer and love rainbows anyway! “Crip” refers to the word “cripple”, which was historically used as a derogatory term for disabled people, but is now being reclaimed by many disabled people as a positive term, similarly to the word “queer” for LGBTQ+ folks. I live in Portland, Oregon in the United States. I have cerebral palsy (spastic diplegia specifically). This means that I have difficulty with balance, movement and coordination. My muscles have spasticity in them all the time - even when I am at rest. I can’t walk unaided but I use canes for short distances and a walker for longer ones. I get tired faster than an able-bodied person. I use an electric scooter to get around the city on the bus. It’s been over a year since I rode the bus because COVID happened but I look forward to maybe taking the bus again later this year! I graduated with my Masters in French last June and now I have a job I enjoy teaching French to kids (online for now). I love French and am fascinated by languages in general. Some things I love : rainbows, pizza, doughnuts, laughing, owls and cats. 

  I am about to move out of my family home for the first time soon. Right now, I live with my two moms, my two brothers, one of my grandmothers and a cat! I am moving into a low-income apartment only 8 blocks away from my family, with one of my brothers who will soon be 26. I wanted to start this blog because when I started this apartment process in early March, I tried researching “moving out with a disability” or “living independently with a disability” but wasn’t finding much. I found a few resources written for parents or caregivers of disabled children or disabled people, talking about what they could expect for the future. There were a few videos that I found about people with physical and /or intellectual disabilities living independently. But not much first-person documentation of how it is to live independently, from THEIR perspective. 

Before I continue, I would like to clarify that I have a physical disability as well as anxiety, and have experienced an episode of severe OCD in the past. (I consider mental illness to be a type of disability).However, I do not have any type of intellectual disability. I am only one person with one point of view. But I want to share my experience so that it may help others in a similar situation. I believe that anyone, if they want to and can, regardless of their disability, should be able to live independently - whatever that means for them. Independence looks different for different people, and can change during their lifetime. Independence does not mean “doing every single thing by yourself.” That is a societal idea of independence. I used to think that was what independence was. But now I see things differently. It took me a long while to get to that point, and sometimes I still get caught up in this idea. Now independence has a much broader meaning to me. For many disabled people, myself included, independence means doing some by ourselves and being able to ask for and get help for things that are difficult. Don’t get me wrong - I love doing certain things on my own but some things I can’t do by myself or would be much harder if I did them without help. Knowing my own limits and asking for help if I need it are part of independence to me.

This blog will focus on my experiences, process and adventures of moving out with a physical disability. I’ll also probably talk about being queer and disabled, travelling with a disability and other random things! I hope that if you are disabled, then reading about my experiences will help you. And if you are not disabled, then maybe you will learn some about one disabled person’s experience. Enjoy!

[criticallyalexandrite]

wait I'm kind of confused by that post about "if you use the word squick you're a freak" thing. I almost always see it used to mean something that's not a trigger but is off limits for reading/writing. Like, certain things are triggers for my OCD and trauma but certain forms of gore is just something that makes me uncomfortable. So I would call that a squick. is there another explanation I'm not aware of? (sincerely asking because I obviously don't want to use it if it's bad)

(Tw: CSA trauma, child abuse, abuse and personal abuse story)I don’t think anarchist-queer was trying to bash people who personally choose to use the term and find it helpful. I personally don’t hate the the term inherently either despite my ranty addition to that thread. I don’t know if I can fully speak for OP there. But what I was trying to get across in my post was my personal issue with the origin of the term and the way some popular anti antis are using it. A lot of popular anti antis are literally trying to haze people with fiction based triggers into using that term INSTEAD of trigger.Which is you know very ableist. I wouldn’t have an issue with the term otherwise if the attitude of the anti antis who coined the term was like “You can use it if you want but if you don’t that’s ok too.” In one of the most popular threads I saw on the manner the tone OP was using sounded very dismissive of fiction based triggers. Like they thought the very idea of fiction based triggers was “too discoursey” and that’s why we should just bring back the term squick instead. It was prioritizing “less discourse” over the mental health of antis. I haven’t checked the OP of that particular thread but I wouldn’t be shocked if they thought that antis are lying about being triggered by fictional scenarios (many anti antis legit believe this.)I know this is the case for many anti antis who platform the promotion of the term. Not just from my experience of being called out by theassholeantiarchive for daring to be raped by a NOMAP. (Seriously, theassholeantiarchive initially called me out over that. The mod who did immediately assumed i was lying.) But also due to my experience with the NOMAP in question, best0utthere. He’s a long time advocate for the anti anti community. He even talked a lot about directly experiencing the Anne Rice discourse himself which suggests he’s pretty old. Anyways, how that’s connected to my discomfort with how and why the term squick was coined is this. It’s because the anti antis who made it initially wanted to shut down antis who said they’re triggered by fictional characters/stories/scenarios. Didn’t matter the full context or even if the trauma related to the trigger was real. Anti antis like Best believe that people who claim to be triggered by anything fictional are just using  triggers to “trollbait” people into not embracing their full creativity.He legit believes that and due to how much social influence he’s had on the anti anti community, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was one of the people who helped coin the term. Or was at least around when the term was originally made. (Btw I don’t suggest actually asking him yourself, cuz he’s a dangerous person who doesn’t respect  nsfw boundaries.) I even have a retraumatization experience surrounding him insisting that was why I’m traumatized by pedo ships/pedophilia AU’s (Pedo AU’s are basically…taking a character who isn’t a pedo and making them into one.)Even though he’s literally the reason that I have that trigger in the first place.But he didn’t know that at the time he demonized my trigger. Still regardless, that was triggering for me in itself. This happened between us in a Wander Over Yonder discord server. One that was run by slogbait on tumblr. It’s not up anymore because me leaving the server over Best doing that apparently killed the server or something. (Not that I’m remorseful of that lol.) But yeah that experience of mine is I can’t help but side eye people who are so against using the term trigger to refer to fictional characters/stories/scenarios that trigger someone.It’s one thing if you (and by you I mean generally referring to anyone who prefers the term squick) prefer the term squick  for whatever reason. I can definitely see how it can be a legit helpful term to people. If it helps you, more power to you. This is definitely a situation where you can separate the idea from the creator. So I’m not gonna bash on people who use it. But I will absolutely be suspicious if someone intends to pressure others to use it when talking about fictional scenarios and ideas that cause them panic attacks or flashbacks or any other form of debilitating breakdowns. Because that IS different from just choosing to use the term squick for yourself. That’s both invalidating necessary language people need to use to explain how something is a trauma reminder and also demonizing people who don’t want to say squick in place of trigger. I think whichever word someone chooses to use to describe that, squick or trigger, should be up to the person. Some bitter and way too paranoid anti anti blogger shouldn't’ be allowed to haze and guilt trip people into choosing them for them.Does that make sense?Also to clarify in case my tone comes across that way…I’m not mad at you Connie. My tone just might sound kinda intense right now because this is a topic matter I take really seriously. And I’m also trying to put all the effort I can into using the right wording and tone. Sometimes that can result in me using a more intense tone with my posts than I intended to.

[rotting-pond]

Okay so what I do wanna articulate about The Personal History of David Copperfield that had me actually crying in the cinema is the complete and absolute joy and relief of finding someone else whose brain speaks kinda the same language as yours

I don’t know how well it’s portrayed in the book because I haven’t read it, but I think the film presented this absolutely beautifully

(this post isn’t too long but don’t want it to take up too much dash space anyway)

My take on David Copperfield is that it’s a story about people who are slightly not exactly what society expects or wants them to be, and they manage to find each other both through fortune and misfortune

And in a modern context what this kinda translates to is the feeling of found family and community that mentally ill and neurodivergent people are able to find with each other (in a general sense this also relates to the LGBTQ+ community but this isn’t really represented in this story)

When David Copperfield meets Mr Dick the first thing he hears is him asking about the state of Charles I’s head, and when he visits Mr Dick’s room he finds it absolutely overflowing with thoughts and commentaries from the life of Charles I. It’s utter chaos, and Mr Dick obviously is not having a good time with it

David Copperfield asks Mr Dick about this, and learns that Mr Dick finds himself constantly burdened with unwelcome thoughts that he is certain come directly from Charles I’s head, they were transferred to his own head when Charles I had his removed, and he feels this compulsion to write them down

(As someone with OCD this was tugging some things for me)

David Copperfield’s reaction? He lights up!

“I have the same thing!” (this is about when my face scrunched up ready to cry)

Not with thoughts from Charles I, he clarifies. He gets things that people say stuck in his head, he won’t know peace until he writes them down

And then, because he can see how these thoughts are weighing Mr Dick down, he suggests that to release them, he should paste them to a kite and fly them, let them dissolve into the sky!

This becomes a routine for them, kite time!, running and jumping out the house to fly these thoughts away

The joy! The joy and relief they have found in someone else who gets it

They’re not exactly the same, but they’re enough the same, certainly more the same than most of the world seems to be

And it just felt so poignant, so real

I am finding more and more people in my life who kinda get it, and it’s the warmest of feelings, and I just am so pleased to have seen that played out on the screen like that

[skruffie]

documenting here to keep track of it...

I called one of my childhood teachers this afternoon. She became acquainted with me when I was in kindergarten, and we spent a good amount of time trying to catch up with each other since we haven’t seen each other face to face since I was probably a preteen? She ended up becoming a family friend of ours and my mom and I attended her wedding and such, so I figured she would be a good avenue to approach in asking questions about how I was as a child.

She said that I was always pretty joyful and happy and fun to be around, sometimes preferring to hang out with the teachers than kids my own age. We got into the meat of why I was asking and I said “I’ve been exploring the idea I might have ADHD” and she said “I disagree--if anything, I think we were all worried you had OCD”

here’s the story behind that, and I refreshed her memory on some clarifying context too. Since I’m an adult now and can remember how I felt in this time period in my life, I was able to finally put into words what was going on in my tiny 5-6 year old head.

Just before I started kindergarten, my family and I moved to a whole new neighborhood and stayed with my grandparents... except for my dad. Just a couple years prior to this my mom had essentially a nervous breakdown that I guess I witnessed (though being around age 3 I didn’t really know what was happening), so all of us kind of coming out of that and then moving in with my grandparents and my aunt with my dad staying behind temporarily probably is what contributed to what my mom called anxiety. Kindergarten was when I first heard that word. 

The way that my anxiety started manifesting was that I was compulsively collecting leaves that were blowing around on the playground. Watching them blow away gave me immense anxiety because I hated that I was never going to see them again, so I started trying to catch and hold onto them. I did this with bits of trash too. What my teacher tried to do with me was redirect me one day when recess was over and I broke into a total sobbing meltdown because I wasn’t finished, and she was completely not sure what to do. Eventually, her and my mom came up with these tactics: my teacher gave me a bag one day and told me she needed leaves for a project and wanted me to fill the bag up as much as I could before recess was over, and my mom calmed my anxiety by telling me the leaves were dancing and they didn’t want to be interrupted. 

Both tricks worked and soon after I stopped with the compulsive leaf hoarding! I always attributed this period of my childhood to be a weird blip because this kind of behavior never manifested like this again. I don’t have OCD though, so what the hell WAS that anyway?

I was trying to read about compulsive behavior, how OCD and ADHD could maybe be linked, etc and wasn’t really getting anywhere so I finally googled “hoarding leaves and rocks” and immediately found anxiety.org, stating this:

“ Little information is known regarding hoarding behavior in children and adolescents. However, adults who hoard often report that hoarding symptoms onset during childhood (Grisham et al., 2006). As the childhood hoarding literature is scant, the prevalence, trajectory and prognosis of the behavior are unknown. To date, research regarding hoarding in children is primarily focused on obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) populations, where hoarding behavior is a symptom presentation of OCD (Storch et al., 2007). However a case series examination of foster children and an empirical investigation of ADHD youth have also demonstrated that pathological hoarding behavior is present outside of OCD (Hacker et al., 2012; Plimpton, Frost Abbey, & Dorer, 2009). “

There’s other suggested links with ADHD and hoarding now, including things like distractability and clutter blindness (which I know for sure I have, whoops), extreme emotions --> forming attachments to objects, working memory, etc. 

As an adult now I do have to really be careful because I like to window shop when I’m out and about, and I feel the pull for impulse shopping. I’m not sure if I’m just messy or if it’s still warning signs of hoarding. A lot of this also is just pretty difficult for me to talk about because hoarding I think is probably REALLY misunderstood, but somewhere in my brain when I’d watch Hoarders I understood the emotion behind it. 

[ilikecowsnstuff]

CHAPTER 9!!!

SUMMARY:  UA Hero Course - Third Year. Shigaraki Tomura and Dabi have been classmates and rivals since their very first day at UA. But with new feelings developing how will they cope given their history of fragile and often violent encounters? Their dance begins after a partnered training exam goes wrong, leaving Shigaraki wounded and Dabi feeling guilty. AU.

====================

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====================

CHAPTER NINE - WORK AND PLAY

 Shigaraki had started to hate his patrols, like to the point where he dreaded going to his nightly internship at the Fourth Kind Agency. It wasn’t that he didn’t like the responsibility, or that he felt uncomfortable or inadequate as a hero-in-training, he was just bored - tired of the same mundane route and the absence of any real hero work. 

 That night was no different. Hours of walking with nothing new or exciting to report, just a couple of muggings here and a purse snatching there and that had pretty much summed it all up. It was police work, not hero work, but it was what all students were allocated before they graduated. Of course, some students got lucky and ran into trouble during their work studies coincidentally allowing them to act the hero, but Shigaraki hadn’t been that fortunate.

 He kicked absently at an empty soda can that had been discarded on the sidewalk, earning him a displeased look from some passersby. He ignored the glares and continued forward, leaving the littered can on the ground behind. After a dull, yet blessedly low crime night, he and Kai were officially off-duty and on their way back to the dorms after checking in and signing out at the agency.

 “So, that was a huge waste of time.” Kai proclaimed as he walked unassumingly beside Shigaraki.

 Shigaraki snorted in response. He wasn’t sure what Kai had been expecting on his first patrol but thought it involved a lot more action and adventure. Admittedly, he would have preferred that too, but it was what it was.

 “Do you ever feel like all of this is not right for you?” Kai asked.

 “You mean the patrols?” Shigaraki replied, “Everyone has to do it.” He shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly.

 “No, I mean… like everything. Being a Hero, with all these ridiculous rules and restrictions.” Kai elaborated, watching Shigaraki from the corner of his eye. “Why are we even trying to be heroes? It seems a lot more fun on the other side.”

 Shigaraki whipped his head to the side, his brows drawn tightly together as he considered Kai’s line of questioning. He legitimately didn’t know how to answer him. His reasons were purely logical and had nothing to do with feelings, which was probably an issue within itself - he was born into a mutated world and people with quirks were raised to become heroes. Or villains. Simple as that. Though, why he had chosen the side of good was a mystery considering his problematic and controversial childhood influences. 

 That lack of conviction wasn’t something he was going to share with Kai, however.

 “I can see it, you know.” Kai began, meeting Shigaraki’s disconcerted gaze. “You’re not like the others.”

 Shigaraki scratched frantically at his neck, narrowing his eyes at his new friend. 

 He wanted to disagree, and he wanted to defend himself from such outlandish accusations, but he couldn’t find his words, or the right ones anyway. Kai knew nothing about him, yet, he wasn’t entirely wrong.  For as long as he could remember, Shigaraki had felt different from his classmates - through middle and elementary school he was an outcast, someone who did not belong, and UA High hadn’t changed anything except, perhaps, offered some purpose to his ambiguity.

 How had he seen through Shigaraki’s hardened exterior?

 “So, I see.” Kai muttered. He thought Shigaraki’s silence spoke volumes, and it made Kai even more fascinated with the surly boy. 

 Kai thought it was kind of funny how easily Shigaraki had managed to get under his skin and rearrange his priorities at UA High. The violently brief introduction to Shigaraki had piqued his interest, and then the random - though unconfirmed - gossip about misconduct and nonconformity that he had picked up from other students really sealed the deal and his obsession.

 Shigaraki was like the antihero of UA High. Unconventional, but heroic nonetheless? Maybe? The jury was still out on that. Kai needed to know more before there was a clear ruling because the lines between good and bad were extremely blurred.

 “You know, I think we’re very much alike.” Kai suggested, stepping into stride with Shigaraki.

 “Oh, I doubt that.”

 Kai snickered behind his mask. “Sure, we are. With maybe the exception of wanting to be a hero.” He clarified, casually waving a gloved hand in front of him.

 “Why the fuck are you at UA High then?”

 “Why are you?” Kai countered.

 Shigaraki shook his head. He was not in the mood for this level of honest disclosure and especially not with Kai.

 “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone. It can be our little secret.”

 “I’m not worried.” Shigaraki affirmed lowering his eyes, as far as he was concerned this topic of conversation was over.

 Luckily, Kai’s amusement also seemed to have faded and he dropped whatever point he was trying to make. They walked in silence for a few yards, their heavy footsteps on the pavement the only sounds accompanying them as they entered UA High grounds.

 “Oh, hey.” Kai suddenly exclaimed, “What are you doing Friday night?”

 “Nothing.” Shigaraki replied, shaking his head.

 “Do you want to do something?”

 “With you?”

 “Yeah.” Kai watched Shigaraki intently for an answer, but when he didn’t get one added, “I heard you liked video games.”

 “Who told you that?”

 “Does it matter?”

 “I guess not.”

 “So, you do then?”

 “Yes.”

 “See, we are alike. I play too.”

 Shigaraki grunted. “Having one thing in common doesn’t mean we are alike, Kai.”

 “Mm, fine. I’ll give you that. But I know it’s not the only thing.” He conceded. “And back to my earlier question, want to play together Friday night? We can team up in COD. Or something else? Red Dead?”

 Shigaraki shifted his glance sideways, offering Kai a rare though subtle smile. Not one of the other students were interested in gaming, not like Shigaraki was. Though, to be fair, he never really asked, he just assumed. But the idea of sharing his hobby with Kai was surprisingly welcomed.

 “Okay.”

 ”Yeah? Cool, cool.”

 Ahead of them, the windows to the Alliance Dorm were lit up with a warm, yellow light. Most of the students would have returned from their internships by now and were probably in the common room excitedly discussing the events of the night at their respective agencies. At a jogging pace, he and Kai ascended the small set of stairs to the front doors and just as they hit the landing, a voice stopped them from entering inside.

 “Look who finally made it back.”

 To their right, perched casually on the porch railing and leaning against a pillar for support was Dabi. He held a lit cigarette between his fingers, eyeing the other two boys suspiciously.

 “Smoking on school grounds, smart.” Shigaraki commented, scowling as Dabi grinned in return, lifting the smoke to his lips to take a drag.

 Stupid. Hot. Zombie. Boy. Ugh. Shigaraki was both outraged and aroused.

 “I never claimed to be smart.” Dabi disclosed.

 Beside him, Kai remained silent but Shigaraki could tell he was disgusted with Dabi’s dirty habit. His forehead was creased, like he was scrunching his nose up behind his mask. The smoke didn’t really bother Shigaraki, nor did the smell irritate him, but considering Kai’s apparent OCD, Shigaraki understood why he would be opposed to it.

 “I’m going inside.” Kai muttered, clearly irked. “So, Friday night, your room or mine?”

 “Mine. Bring your own gear.”

 “You got it.” He offered Shigaraki a quick salute then turned to leave. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 Shigaraki nodded and waited until the door had closed behind Kai before he took a few steps towards Dabi.

 “Got a hot date?” Dabi teased as he approached.

 “Shut up.” Shigaraki barked in return, pressing his back against the wall and stuffing his hands deep into his pockets, “We’re just going to play some COD or something.”

 “I don’t know what that is.”

 “It’s a video game.” Shigaraki explained, and then noticing Dabi’s disinterest followed it with, “It doesn’t matter. It’s not a date.”

 Dabi regarded Shigaraki silently, a cloud of white smoke whirling from his lips and then disappearing into thin air.

 “Why haven’t you asked me to play COB with you?”

 “It’s COD. Call of Duty.” Shigaraki corrected, trying desperately to repress a grin, “And I didn’t think you were into that kind of stuff.”

 Dabi shrugged. “I’m not.”

 “So that’s why I didn’t fucking ask.” He explained and then went on to correct, “Well, one of the reasons.”

 “Heh. I could learn to like it. For you.”

 “Oh, please. Don’t put yourself out on my account.”

 Dabi’s responding chuckle was deep, almost dark in nature.

 “Maybe I would like it.” He took another drag of his smoke, 

 “Seriously, aren’t you in enough trouble already?” Shigaraki asked, motioning towards Dabi’s cigarette - the potential detention creator.

 “What’s another week of after school?”

 Shigaraki’s brow furrowed hard. He was about to reply with something snarky, as was his custom, but something caught his attention instead and it took all words right out of his mouth. It was the edge of a white bandage peeking out from the collar of Dabi’s shirt. To Shigaraki, it looked like the bandage was wrapped diagonally from his chest over his shoulder covering quite a large expanse of skin.

 Noticing where Shigaraki’s eyes fell, Dabi waved it off.

 “It’s nothing.”

 “It doesn’t look like nothing.”

 Dabi butted out his cigarette and then tossed the waste in the garden behind him, disposing of it out of sight - like it had never been present in the first place. He hopped off the railing and back to his feet, his usual arrogance firmly back in place now.

 “Are you concerned about my wellbeing, Mop Head?”

 “Not particularly.” Shigaraki replied, acting resignedly as he folded his arms collectively over his chest.

 “You are a terrible liar.”

 “I’m not lying.”

 Dabi turned to glance at the door to the dorms before looking back to Shigaraki, eyes honing in on where he stood. He still looked so uncomfortable and so self-aware of being alone with Dabi - it was almost painful to watch.

 “What?” Shigaraki demanded after a few seconds of silence and the boys continued staring. 

 “Nothing.” Dabi drawled, the corner of his mouth kicking up into an amused grin. The heat of Shigaraki’s blush was warming at the intensity of his stare. 

 “God I fucking missed you.” Dabi murmured, taking a cautious step closer.

 “We were literally in class together all day, idiot.” Shigaraki replied gruffly, though he didn’t try to move away which was progress.

 “That’s not how I mean.”

 Shigaraki sucked in a small breath when Dabi reached him, long fingers curling around the drawstrings of his hoodie. He tugged firmly encouraging Shigaraki forward. 

 “I’m going to kiss you now.” Dabi whispered, taking a final step closer. “Don’t hurt me.”

 “Fine. But make it quick.” He grumbled, shoulders stiff, cheeks flushing further. Dabi grinned, accepting his conflicting behaviour out of familiarity. Shigaraki’s mouth often said yes while his body said no, or at least, a very reluctant maybe. Persistence was key. 

 Dabi grinned and tilted his head, shadow falling across Shigaraki’s upturned face. He lifted his hand to cup Shigaraki’s cheek and settled his mouth gently over Shigaraki’s pursed lips. Shigaraki dropped his arms helplessly to his side in response, his defensive stand forgotten. He curled his restless fingers, hands balling up into tights fists surrendering to the kiss.

 Emboldened by his crush’s assent, Dabi swept his fingers slowly over Shigaraki’s jawline and felt the boy shiver against him, lips parting in anticipation of Dabi’s invading tongue. This was how their kisses always began, slow and sweet, Dabi taking the lead, Shigaraki passively following him in the motions. But once Dabi’s tongue slid inside his mouth, deepening the kiss, the rest of Shigaraki’s body was not quite so subdued. He unconsciously took a slight step closer, slender body pressing closer to Dabi.

 Dabi moaned his approval against Shigaraki’s mouth, fingers sliding back into the boys messy yet incredibly soft hair. When they broke off ten seconds later, gasping for breath, Shigaraki held a shaky hand up.

 Dabi paused, his lips an inch from Shigaraki’s palm, and three inches from Shigaraki’s flushed mouth.

 “That’s it?” Dabi frowned, petting the other boy with reverence.

 “I said to make it quick.”

 “But don’t you feel better now?”

 Shigaraki blushed, refusing to answer.

 “Okay. Understood.” Dabi yielded, trying not to look too wistful, and he carefully lowered the other boys threatening hand, “There was something I wanted to talk to you about anyway.” Dabi breathed, fingers slowly combing through Shigaraki’s hair. When he didn’t reply, Dabi continued, “Actually, I wanted to ask you something.”

 “What is it?”

 “Well, it’s my birthday next week.”

 “Congratulations.”

 Dabi’s eyes lit up with amusement.

 “I’m having a party on the weekend, at my parent’s place. They will be out of town so...”

 Shigaraki scowled, knowing exactly where this was going, but hoping by some miracle he was wrong.

 “Will you come?”

 “No.”

 “Please? I want you to come.”

 “I don’t like parties.” Shigaraki grumbled, scratching his blunt nails up and down the side of his neck.

 “But you like me.” Dabi said leaning forward and stealing another quick kiss before Shigaraki could object to it.

 “Tch.” Shigaraki grunted, head tilting away.

 “Come on. Everyone will be there.”

 “Everyone?”

 “Yes.” Dabi snickered.

 “What does that mean?”

 “I’m inviting everyone from Third Year.”

 “Why?”

 “Hm. Because parties are better with a lot of people.

 “That’s debatable.” 

 “How about a party of two then? You and me.”

 “Definitely not.”

 “Just come to the party. I won’t have any fun without you.” Dabi pleaded, almost pouting.

 Shigaraki scoffed. “Oh, please. What kind of guilt trip is that?”

 Dabi tried desperately to repress a grin. “Hopefully an effective one.”

 “Will that idiot bird be there?”

 “He’s my best friend, Mop Head, so yeah, he’ll be there.” Dabi rationalized.

 “I will trade his presence for my presence.”

 “That’s unreasonable, no deal.” Dabi shook his head, thumb brushing gently over the high point on Shigaraki’s cheek.

 “Whatever. It’s a maybe. And only if Kurogiri is interested. Then I will think about it.” Shigaraki said, hoping that his best-friends mutual dislike of Dabi was enough to ignore an invite. It was highly probable.

 “I will bribe him if I have too.”

====================

Chapter One – Accidental Attraction

Chapter Two – After Care

Chapter Three – Dazed and Confused

Chapter Four – I Like You

Chapter Five - Friends and Enemies

Chapter Six - Confrontation!

Chapter Seven - Transfer Student

Chapter Eight - A Period of Learning

[gotboredwrote]

Chapter 8: The Morning After

[[The American Publicist // JRD]]

Pairing: John Richard Deacon x Reader Word Count: 5.8K Style: Multi-Chapter Warnings: Swearing, a few references to the previous chapter’s sexual themes (nothing explicit), references to OCD diagnosis Summary: Y/N was just hired to become a co-manager and publicist for the band Queen. The boys had never travelled abroad, so meeting an American was . . . intriguing, to say the least. Permanent Author’s Note: To clarify, I write because I get bored. Nothing is meant to be professional in any way, nor is meant to offend, cause anxiety, cause anger, cause sadness, or promote disagreement among readers in any sort of (semi)permanent way. A/N: Me: This chapter is bad. Like, I am acknowledging it now and admitting I was so distracted the whole time I wrote it. I’m sorry :\ Also me: Lol it’s long :P

Masterlist // Previous Chapter // Next Chapter // Masterpost

~

Both of you were still trying to catch your breath. You at least have the necklace John gave you to ground you back down to Earth from your high. John did not have anything like that, so all he could do was grip the headboard of his bed. You were both reeling, thinking about what you just did. Both of you were having aftershocks that were so intense you could not believe it. While it was some kind of mix of lust and love that drove you both to your breaking points, neither of you felt that you were ready to admit those feelings to each other. You both felt pathetic and desperate. But oh-so in love. Hopelessly. It took over five minutes for each of you to catch your breath and calm your minds down, but the calms did not last long. Your eyes went wide and John slapped a hand over his mouth, the realization of what day of the week it was hitting you both like a ton of bricks. Tuesday. That only meant one thing – tomorrow was Wednesday. You two would have to face each other because of work.

~

John made it a point to go to the studio extremely early so he could already be there before anyone else, hopefully ignoring the butterflies swarming his stomach. No one needed to be there before 9:00am. He made it there at 6:30am. He told himself he would just practice the stuff they had already done, but there was a part of him that wanted to work on that song. He figured if there was a time to do it, it would be when no one was there. Except he was afraid of what would happen to him. Clearly, it was not the song that triggered the episode of last night, but the words came from those feelings. His way of admitting the truth. Not denying the feelings that bubbled over the previous night. He starting adding backing instruments and vocals, trying to think of the rhythm the words came in versus the words themselves. Maybe that would be a distraction. Except there was a problem – he got to a section of the song he literally could not remember. He sighed to himself, and proceeded to rummage through his bag to see if he could not find the sheet music. He knew he brought it with him, he remembered the feeling in the pit of his stomach when he picked them up this morning to stick in his bag, so that meant the only place the papers could be was his car. He looked to the clock, 7:30am. He had only been here an hour? It felt like so much longer than that, stuck in his daydream-like state of thinking about the song. He was not worried about running into anyone except maybe some overnight cleaners. They were extremely used to seeing some of the artists that float through the building because they know inspiration can strike at any time. He made his way to the door and reached for the doorknob when it turned on its own. He retracted his hand and went to step off to the side to let whoever it was in the building, and the feeling in the pit of his stomach from that morning returned full-force. He came face-to-face with you and your growing mound of paperwork. Well, shit.

“Oh, good-good morning, Deaky. I really didn’t expect any of you to be here already. Am I interrupting?”

“Not at all, love. I was just going to get something from my car. I’ll be back in a minute.”

“Sounds good, I’ll just be in the booth working when you come back.”

You shot each other innocent smiles, and made your way to your destinations. As soon as the door shut between you both, yours and his breathing became ragged. Apparently, you both had the same idea about getting to the studio early so as to calm the nerves down before the other arrived. Clearly, that was not going to happen. John got to his car, and when he found the sheet music he had written out, the intensity of his heart rate got stronger. He loved that he felt this way about someone, because he never thought he was someone who could feel that way, or have someone feel that way about him, even though it was in his dreams that you would return the feelings. It was one of the few insecurities he had, and you knew about it. You and him had talked about love before, neither one thinking strangely of it at all. You had had deep conversations on many previous occasions, but they were usually in the same room as a bunch of other people, and clearly you had not had one since you had gotten off to the thought of one another. He was afraid that he would lose the opportunity to have those conversations again, especially if you found out what he did. He loved those conversations. He took a couple deep breaths as he made his way back to the studio, where he assumed he would see you sitting at the coffee table pulled up right to the couch, all your papers methodically placed out to work on them throughout the day. He knew you, how you worked, how you focused.  Ninety percent of what he thought would be the case was, but there was one thing missing from the scene in the studio. You. He walked in and looked through the giant pane of glass and saw you lightly swaying back and forth in front of his bass. Lightly plucking at the strings creating a quiet but deep sound that barely made it to even your ears. You had a look on your face of longing, and while John had still not shaken the feeling in his lower stomach, he was more concerned with figuring out what was going on inside your head. He also wanted to let you keep plucking away, the gesture making John feeling warm and fuzzy seeing you take that much interest in his instrument. But again, the concern he felt overtook all the other stuff. He quietly folded the sheet music to put in his pocket, that way you would not see the words, and stuffed them in his back pocket. He lightly turned the knob to the booth where you were, so as to avoid startling you, which ended up happening, anyway.

“Oh gosh John!” You paused to let out a deep breath. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to invade your safe space. We just haven’t had a lot of time to ourselves in the studio in a while, and I was just thinking about all the times you would play for me when the boys weren’t here. I just… miss that.”

Y/N had mentioned something that brought a wave of nostalgia through John, and he understood the face you were making. You were right – another thing that would happen throughout these past couple of weeks when it was a normal day with no meetings or dinner would involve John quietly practicing and giving you a private concert. Ever since he sat you down to play “Misfire” for you, he slowly got more and more confident about playing in front of you. It was always something you two would look forward to. Some days the boys would offer to grab some lunch for the lot of you, and you would say to them that you would stay back and just keep working on your portfolio. John always offered to stay back and keep you company, and he would quietly practice his parts or create new riffs in the background while you worked on your paperwork. John was afraid that if you found out about what he did last night to the thought of you, all that would go away, too, just like your deep conversations.

“You looked peaceful, and happy. Why would I have stopped you?”

“I know how you feel about people messing with your bass, even Brian. I… didn’t think I was any exception.”

“You really think that lowly of yourself?”

“It’s… not that, John. It’s just that you have treated me best of all the boys throughout this partnership so far. The boys are lovely, don’t get me wrong, you are just different somehow. You gave me my favorite little possession for forcing me to come to that awful dinner, and you took a lot of shit that night that you didn’t have to take. You were also nice enough to show me a song you had written before you even showed the boys. You’ve just been so nice to me and I didn’t even think about how what I just did might have crossed a boundary that ruined all of that.”

John wanted to cut her off with a kiss, but he could not bring himself to do it. It would flood him with emotions that he was starting to ignore, so he did not want to trigger them again. He also felt that this would have been a good time to confess his feelings, but that would also bring back the feelings from last night. There was so much he wanted to do to, but he was so petrified that you were going to find out what happened last night, that he could only muster out a few sentences.

“I appreciate that you know I have my boundaries, love, but I thought by now you knew that you do not have to worry about them. You are one of my few exceptions, and I want you to know that I honestly thought you…looked… cute doing that.”

You were flabbergasted at his response because you had been doing a really good job so far at hiding the fact you were feeling just like John was. You were just as petrified that something you did would make him realize what you did the night before. Up until he saw you plucking at his bass, you had no concerns at all. Now he was calling you cute for messing with the real version of what you wore around your neck and you felt like you were going to explode.

“R-really? Well, thanks, Deaky… um, it was kind of my subtle way of telling you I am really missing you-hearing you play, hearing you play by yourself again.”

“Oh… well we have about an hour before the boys are gonna show up.” He was having a little bit of trouble speaking because he caught your slip up, and it honestly gave his heart a small glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, there actually was a chance something could happen before this manager thing is over. “Would you like me to play for you while you work? Like old times?”

“I would love that, John.”

You two exchanged sweet and small smiles, and you made your way over to your paperwork while John looked at his bass for a moment before picking it up. You did not catch it, but John gazed at and lightly slid his fingers over the frets and portions of the strings that he saw you playing. He chuckled out a small breath, and picked up his bass to start playing for you. Little did you know that the repeating tune he started with was the bassline to the song he wrote for you the night before.

~

The hour went by with hardly a word spoken between the two of you, but you two would not have had it any other way. John was able to get more done on the song he wrote for you without you having a single clue, as well as tweaked and practiced stuff for the new album. You, on the other hand, were able to get so much of your paperwork done, and was even able to officially complete Brian’s personal publicity portfolio. You were making binders for each of the boys, while making a copy for your master binder, that included everything they would need for their upcoming PR run before the tour. It had everything in it from outfits they could choose between, recommendations on what parts of the personalities to emphasize during interviews, which ones to hide, and which topics to not discuss for fear of controversies. There were also notes of encouragement, tips and comments you had heard over time from people about things the boys do that they like, and a number of other things. You were going to wait to give the boys their binders until you were completely done with all four so you could see the joy on their faces when they saw everything for the first time. You had so much planned for each of them, you could not wait to see how things went. John would once in a while throughout the hour poked his head in to make sure you were enjoying the music he was playing and made sure you did not need anything. You would always just smile up at him and tell him how good he sounds and let him know you were good. One time you did ask him to go grab you a water from the vending machine, and by the time you could reach in your coin purse to get him the money, he was already gone. He did not want to keep his favorite girl parched. Except when he got to the machine, he noticed there were two types of water and he did not know which one was your preference. He got both. When he walked back in with two bottles in his hand, all you could do was laugh with a confused expression at his panicked face.

“There were two, I didn’t know which one you liked more so I got both and-”

“John, it’s okay, let me pay you for both and you can keep one. You’re going to need it eventually, anyway.”

After he grabbed the water, he planted himself down next to you and rested his chin on your shoulder to try and get a better look at what it was you were working on. You quickly closed up the binder that was off to the side of Brian’s, considering it was John’s, and you had just pasted in a picture of a particularly low-cut button-up that you would love to see him wear. He did not really notice the motion, which you were thankful of. He genuinely seemed interested in both what it was you were doing and how you were doing it. It made you happy that John genuinely cared about you in this way. Ever since the diagnosis, and even before as well, he was always supportive of the way you did things, and he made it obvious. He wanted to make sure you were always comfortable, and if organizing a desk in the office or straightening up his section of the studio made you comfortable, then so be it. It did not scare him away from you, and you were so thankful for that. He sat there listening to what it was you were doing for them, and skimmed through Brian’s portfolio to explain the basic set-up of the binder that he would eventually be receiving.

“So, there’s not a thing I could do to get you to show me the progress of my binder, love?”

“Not a thing, Deaks. Not a chance.”

“Not even a peck on the cheek?”

“Not even tha- what?”

“I- I meant to say… not even… um…”

You felt like John could physically see your heart beating in your chest, and he turned as red as a steamed lobster. He had zero explanation as to where the confidence he just had came from. He just sort of said it, and the funny thing was, he did not want to take it back. He had been fighting the urge to tell you about his feelings for weeks, so if now was the time, now was the time. One could argue his moment was ruined, the other side of the argument is that he was saved by the bell. Just as John was struggling to find something else to say, the door to the studio swung open to reveal Roger arriving earlier than the other boys, extremely uncharacteristic of him. Despite it all, you were still thinking of the boys and your job, and you hated yourself for it. John had just said something that could change the dynamic of your friendship forever, and you were thinking about the fucking personality traits of his bandmates who truly did not matter in this moment.

“Well, am I interrupting? I know I’m early, but I happen to pass a donut shop each time I drive to this studio and I wanted an excuse to try it so I brought everyone breakfast. I can leave for a minute, if you need-”

“No, Rog, it’s okay. Y/N was just showing me what she is currently preparing for all of us. My bass is already warmed up, so if you want to get started, I can play with you until Brian and Fred get here.”

John shot up from his seat quicker than you would have liked. It almost hurt. But you were still in such a state of shock at the fact that he caught your slip up earlier and essentially responded to it, reciprocated it, that you were easily able to ignore the feeling. You watched as John grabbed a donut, a jelly, his favorite as you recall, and made his way to his bass. Roger looked at you first with a wild expression of shock at the emotion that was seemingly flowing through John at the moment, and then he looked at you with an expression that you could not place, because you knew that Roger had no idea about your feelings for John, and he certainly did not know what you did last night. You slowly made your way up to grab a donut, a boston crème, your favorite, and you noticed that it had been separated from the rest of the bunch. John was the only one in the box thus far, so you knew he had to have been the one that moved the donut over. You lifted the donut and glanced up into the booth where Roger had now made his way over, hoping John would be looking in your direction. He was. You softly smiled at him and lifted the donut so slightly, so as to say “Thanks for not letting Roger take this one.” He swallowed aggressively but forced a smile in return. His heart was beating a mile a minute, so he just wanted to get back to playing and let you get back to your work. He really did not regret it, despite how he was feeling, but he hated not getting to know what your response would have been. Would you have told him that maybe the kiss would have earned a peek at the binder? Would you have said that a peck on the cheek would not do it, but one on the lips would? Would you have slapped him? It was killing him, and Roger could tell. He did know about his feelings for you. He wanted to talk to John about it, but that was when Brian and Freddie walked in, so he did not get a chance. He would have to keep all the boys aside after rehearsal. Maybe he could even have Freddie talk to you so the three could plot something to get the two of you to at least admit your feelings. Better yet, trick you into going on a date or something.

“Good morning, beautiful people! You cannot make fun of my tardiness today because look – our favorite astrophysicist is late too!”

You looked up and laughed at Freddie’s comment, while Brian just rolled his eyes. The two of them made their way back to the studio, Brian ruffling your hair a little before making his way back there. John saw how your hair looked after the “little” ruffle, and could not help where his brain went. He was still reeling from the night before, and his half-confession, that he imagined that was what your hair might look like if the scene that played out in his head to help him the night before had really happened.

~

Practice went without any more super obvious connections between Y/N and John. There were little moments when Y/N would pick up on a particularly intoxicating bassline John would play. She would try her hardest not to, but her eyes would pry themselves away from the new binder that was sitting in front of her, which happened to be Roger’s, and look up toward the sound, only to be met with a pair of eyes peering deep into her own. These small moments went completely unnoticed by Brian and Freddie, mainly because they had only had their suspicions that John had feelings for the American. Roger stayed loyal to his friend and never breathed a word to them. They, now including Roger, were also completely clueless as to what had happened the night before, as well as the full story about what happened when Roger walked into rehearsal earlier. Besides the conversation John and Roger had weeks prior, there was no official confirmation of feelings between John and Y/N, except for what was said earlier in the day. Everyone was completely oblivious about what was really going on. At one point, Brian had called you into the back to help with something, which completely caught you off guard – none of the boys had ever wanted you to help with a recording session, including John. No offence was ever taken about that, mainly because the thought of helping out with the music never even occurred to you. You were there to manage, and get their name in the public. You also considered yourself instrumentally inept, but felt you had a somewhat mediocre voice. Something you were even scared to show John. Slowly but surely, after you had marked all the places in Roger’s binder with reminders about what exactly it was you were doing, you moved into the booth, hesitantly. You gave John a smile before turning your entire body and attention in Brian’s direction, sending him a smile as well, but not one as intimate as the one you gave John.

“Look, I know it’s weird for me to ask for your help.”

“It’s okay, really! I only know a small amount regarding John’s bass, so this is all new territory to me. I’m eager to please!” You regretted those words as soon as they came out of your mouth. Something in the back of your brain said that those words should be reserved for personal situations with John.

“Well, basically what I need you to do is simple. I’m going to play this riff:” Brian flawlessly plays a riff to a song you do not believe you have heard before. “Then, when I strum the last chord, I need you to place your fingers on these frets. When we do this live, it won’t be done as smoothly as on the record, but the sound will end up the same. Once your fingers are on the frets, I just need you to stand there as quietly as possible until the take is over. Do you think you can do that?”

“I think so, Brian. Let’s give it shot!”

Miami gave the cue to the boys that he was going to roll the tape and for them to begin whenever they were ready. Roger and Freddie were a little distracted at first, because they could not help but feel heat radiating from one portion of the booth, like someone was fuming at something. Their suspicions were answered when they looked at John. John was completely red in the face, gripping the neck of his bass with his left hand, head hung low toward his chest. Something was clearly bothering him, but they did not have a chance to ask if he was okay because Brian started the count off. John was fuming because of the close proximity you and Brian were sharing. He normally did not mind if you were with the boys and you happened to be seated to the other side of one of them and your knees would touch accidentally. That was the key word – accidentally. Whenever the five of you went out together, you always made it a point to sit next to John, and depending on that seat, sometimes you were seated next to another band mate, and they were all a lot larger than he was. They would end up taking a lot of the seat and occasionally bumped into you. It was harmless. This was the opposite. John knew he had absolutely no reason to be this angry with Brian. He knew that he was seeing someone, but for some reason it made his blood boil. He just wanted to get the take over with, make sure it was done flawlessly, and get you back to your spot on the couch where he can see you in your element. It would calm him down immensely to see you doing the thing that keeps you the calmest. During the course of the take, Brian, Freddie, and John had all moved around a little bit, force of habit for musicians when they get into whatever it is they are playing. John, completely unintentionally, had hopped his way towards you, his front to your back, Freddie had made his way backwards toward Roger’s drumkit, and Brian had shifted so his body was even closer to yours. Your feet had not moved a muscle. The take had finished, and Miami said that it was great. You remained still, until a large force knocked you off your feet. Brian had meant to take off he guitar from around his body, but instead of lifting the strap, he missed and his arm went straight to your gut. The force was strong, him being so tall and you being so short, and it knocked you backwards. If something had not been there, you would have landed straight onto your ass. Except you hit something strong. Solid. Unwavering. You fell backwards into John. As soon as your entire backside from your shoulders to your ass hit John’s bass and torso, his strumming arm wrapped around you reflexively. The top of your head bumped into his chin, and John let out a small whine of pain, indicating that it was not real painful, but it smarted a little bit. You turned around as best you could while still being enveloped in John’s arm to look at his face and make sure you did not hurt him again like you did all those weeks ago.

“John! Was that your chin? I’m so sorry, I didn’t break one of your teeth or something, did I?”

“’s okay, really. Just a surprise, is all.”

“John, we’ve been here before, don’t lie to me if you’re in pain, love.” As you called him the nickname he had reserved for you, your hands came up to caress his lower face. Your thumb lightly grazed his chin to feel if there were any bumps forming, while lightly poking your tongue through your lips. Unknowingly the way that drove John insane. You two had been here before. John knew it. You knew it.

Why were your hearts beating so much faster than last time? Eventually your examination of John’s chin had finished, and as he solemnly released you from his hold, you gave his chin one more rub with your fingers and breathed out a sigh.

“Well, I guess you’re okay this time. If you start to feel a bump, please tell me love, I can’t see you hurt again because of me.”

“Will do… love.”

As oblivious as the boys can be, it would take a real dumbass to not notice what just happened between you two. Roger had known there was something going on in John’s heart, but he, frankly, never imagined that there would be a reciprocation. Freddie and Brian were just as shocked. Not because they did not think John would ever find love, but just the severity with which the feelings hit him over the head. It was like he had been reborn under your spell.

~

The boys did just a few more takes, only allotting you about twenty more minutes to work on Roger’s binder, so most of the sticky notes you made remained in their place. Miami told the boys that he was leaving, so he would see you all in the morning. You all exchanged your goodbyes, and you began to pack up your papers as the boys packed up their instruments. Roger riskily tested the waters for a minute to see if Miami had turned off the speakers that were in the booth so the musicians could speak freely to those in the studio. He said your name while you were looking down at your papers, and if your head shot up, he would have made a grave mistake. But your head did not budge. He knew this was his opportunity.

“Lads, c’mere.” Shuffles of feet towards Roger were heard by everyone but you. “I hate to do this to John, but that little exchange earlier gave me all the evidence I needed. Deaks has fallen head over heels for our little American gal, and we all know he is too damn shy to do anything about it.” While Roger is speaking, John had made his way into the studio with you to let you know that his chin was actually okay. “I think the three of us, meaning you, Brian, and myself need to come up with an excuse as to why John cannot walk Y/N to her car tonight. Freddie, you need to be the one to walk her to her car and you need to grill her the way you know how. Figure out if she’s into him, and then say you forgot something and come back and report here. I have a plan to keep John in here.”

The two of you were the ones who were completely oblivious now.

“Deaky! C’mere!” John pried himself away from you and made his way into the booth. “Look, I hate to do this to you man, but I need you and Brian to hang back with me for a minute to look over this part. Miami cut us off before I could ask and if I don’t do this now, I’m going to forget all of it.”

“But I need to walk Y/N to her car, Rog.”

“Nonsense, darling, she can come say goodnight really fast and I will walk her out and keep her safe. No harm done, it’ll be fine.”

“Fred-”

“I won’t hear another word from you! It’s settled. Y/N, sweetheart, come bid us goodnight, these gentlemen have to stay back and work on something, so I will be your escort to your car tonight!”

You had just finished packing up all of your paperwork in your backpack, and made your way to the foursome standing behind the glass. You stood in your normal spot next to John.

“Well, darling, let’s get this show on the road. You will see them tomorrow, so no need to look so glum!”

“I’m not glum, Freddie, I just like having my routine with John. He makes me feel safe. But… I do understand if this is a pressing matter. Goodnight boys, and goodnight Deaks.” You lifted your hand to cup his chin again, to which he immediately leaned into and lightly held the hand that was on his face with his own. Humming lightly in response.

“Goodnight, love. Sleep well.”

Freddie then took you by your arm and walked you to your car. Once there, he offered to place your backpack in the passenger seat for you so you could get your car up and running. You let him do so, and while he was walking back, you heard him as a question but it got muffled by the sound of your car starting.

“What did you say, Fred? I didn’t catch that.”

“Oh, I just said it seems like you have a little bit of an attraction to our dear Deaky, yes?”

You went red at the bold assumption that was clearly the truth. How were you supposed to respond to such a blunt question like that?

“I’ll take your facial expression, color, and lack of words as a resounding yes. Darling, I am not going to say a word about it to our dear friend John, nor the boys. I just wanted to know if you were like that with all guys or if our John was special, and now I know he is! That’s all I wanted to know. But it looks like you’re all strapped in and ready to go, and I’m realizing that I forgot something in the studio, so I’m going to run back and grab it. Drive safe, darling!”

“Wait! Please tell John to call me when he gets home, okay?”

“Will do!”

With that, you drove off, anxiously awaiting and counting down the moments for when John would be calling you. All you wanted to do was make sure that everything he stayed at the studio for was okay, considering Roger seemed a little bit frantic about it. Freddie made his way back into the studio, and then all the boys walked out together, babbling about whatever. They all walked to John’s car first, since he had the heaviest stuff to take home, and they said their goodnights as they watched him pull away.

“Alright, Fred. What’d you find out?”

“She’s into him! You were right, Roger, you sly dog!”

“Well, Rog, if you are so smart, what do you suppose the next move should be then?” Brian was looking at Roger with a disapproving face, while Freddie was giddy with glee about playing matchmaker.

“A scheme of sorts. We need to arrange it so they can go on an adventure together, and then somehow end up needing to stay together, preferably at his house. They need a push to confess, because honestly if I see another gushy moment between the two of them and they aren’t official, I am going to shove their faces together myself.”

“Amen, Roger, amen.”

[love-advice-on-call]

Do you have any thoughts on emdr therapy for ptsd?

For those reading this post and don’t know what EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy is, short hand: it’s basically a type of psychotherapy that sort of works by distracting someone mildly while they talk about something traumatic so they are better able to talk about it.  This then allows the window to be sort of pushed open and work on traumatic experiences to be resolved.  That may not be the best explanation, but you can find better resources online that describe it in detail.

So I’ve only read about EMDR Therapy and have never done it, but in my opinion, I think it the methodology makes sense.  Distracting someone or really sending mildly “interrupting” stimulus as they talk about something (literally so traumatic that they have an incredible time talking about it) is sort of like tapping on a jar a little bit as you try to budge it open.  Somewhat of a crude analogy, but I think it makes sense.  When I read about the actual steps, they sounded very logical and I greatly appreciate how slowly, well thought-out, and methodical the process is.  

Now here’s one thing I have to say, I think you have to be up for it to actually do it.  There does seem to be a greater amount of diligence involved as far as homework goes, but not only that the emotions and anxiety that comes with doing EMDR is more intense.  Like I read people feel a lot more dazed or anxious after sessions just because they dredged up repressed memories.  I mean, people who do it are dealing with their PTSD after all so it’s only fair that they’d feel that way. Meanwhile, in traditional cognitive behavioral therapy CBT (which I go to), you kind of feel either great or like a train wreck but in a good way, but unfortunately CBT may not be as effective for some PTSD cases.   Despite everything I just said, really most therapies are definitely worth it and I recommend trying it once before you knock it down out of fear from intensity,

Side topic about intensity because this came into my mind: Something fascinating (and although horrible, it is fascinating) is exposure therapy.  I know someone who has obsessive compulsive disorder.  I’m talking real OCD, not the kind your friends say they have after they touch a hand rail).  Like one of her compulsions is if she sees a dog drink water out of a bowl, then she has to jump in the air 7 times or she has a panic attack.

Anyways, she tried doing exposure therapy because that is known to help cure OCD.  They would show her videos of something that would trigger a compulsion and she’d have to not do it, suffer a huge (i’m talking massive) panic attack, and then the compulsion went away.  And it worked when she did it!  The only problem is, you have to do it for every single compulsion (and there are many) and that is something that she just could not take because the feelings are so intense she’d just rather have the OCD and she stopped doing it.

I didn’t want to scare anyone about therapy when I said that, but it just came to mind when talking about intense feelings and therapy.  Exposure therapy is definitely one of the hardest and is up there in intensity, but I’d like to clarify that EMDR is certainly not as intense as exposure.

I think if you want to do it, then 100% for sure you should find a therapist that certified in EMDR because it looks like it definitely needs training to be effectively administered.

You know, I’m not going to lie, there are mixed opinions on the subject.  Some therapists and psychologist think it is bogus or doesn’t yield consistent results, but here’s the bottom line in my book:

If it helps at least one person, it’s worth it.  

And based on the data I’ve read, it’s helped much more than one person and percentages of recovery look good so I say to the people thinking about it, why not try giving it a shot.

Posted August 2, 2019

[brokendildo]

this is about to be a real personal post about my previous relationship so if you don’t care just scroll on by

anyways have y’all ever left a relationship that you thought was okay at first and eventually found yourself more and more unhappy? and once you’re finally out of it you can assess the damage it did to you and you finally see all the red flags that you chose not to notice before? like i put so much work and time and effort into my last relationship with a man who was clearly not stable mentally or emotionally and he’d gaslight the shit out of me. every time we had an argument (which was often) it was always my fault. he never not once apologized for the shit he’d do and i’m pretty sure he was cheating on me the whole time. and if not the whole them then at least more than once. we dated for a year and a few months on and off and that was the first red flag i should’ve seen. when you break up with someone over an argument and you feel you’re no longer right for each other just leave it at that. i kept going back four or five times and i regret it now. i wasted so much time with that asshole. and when i say mentally and emotionally unstable i mean like we’d be getting ready to leave his house (which was an hour away from mine and i made my work schedule work around my visits to see him and over that year and a half he came over to my place TWICE.) like we’d be in the car about to leave the driveway and he’s like I HAVE TO CHECK THE DOOR and i’m like it’s locked?? i locked it? and he’s like no you don’t know what you’re doing. like okay bitch and on top of that he was insanely paranoid like he would tear up receipts with the last four numbers of his credit card and his name on it. i know that’ll come from anxiety and ocd considering i have been diagnosed w both but he refused to get help and when i would mention therapy or even a simple doctors visit he’d flip out. all those were things i should’ve noticed but the main thing was how he treated me vs. how i treated him. just to clarify, at the time i was working in an extremely busy restaurant. i couldn’t get weekends off because of this so my schedule went something like this: school from 7am to 1 pm every week day and then work right after (i’d have to be in around 3) i’d work until 12 or 1 am and then get home and have to do homework until about 4am and i’d get zero sleep. then saturday’s id go in at 7am to work and get out around 3 or 4 depending on whether or not the person who was suppose to take over my station showed up on time. then i’d drive an hour to go to his house and he would never ask me about my day and when he did it was only because he felt he needed to. it always sounded forced and i knew he didn’t really give a shit about my day (or me honestly) but that became very clear when one day while telling him about how my day went (it was a really bad one) he starts yelling at me saying that i need to stop fucking complaining all the time. that shit hurts when it’s coming from someone who claims to love you. and the worst thing about this entire relationship is that it really fucked me up in the long run. i’m in a healthy relationship now and i couldn’t be happier with the person i’m dating and i honestly see a wonderful future for us but there’s still some issues that i’m trying to work through and it’s not easy and it doesn’t happen overnight. i apologize constantly i’m always trying to make sure that my partner is happy and i feel like i’m overcompensating and usually when people do that i’ve noticed it’s bc they feel guilty about something and i don’t want him to think that i have anything to be guilty about but i also don’t want him to just leave?? idk. don’t ignore your issues kids because they grow into ugly monsters.

[free--therapy]

+ sorry for being annoying but there's one more thing i wanna ask....

i asked whether worrying about or questioning my actions especially the bad ones is normal?

so while in the earlier ask i mentioned many things i feel about this topic but i wanna clarify that these worries don't affect my everyday actions in anyway. it's more of like worries that i have in the back of my mind sometimes when im free with nothing to do.

i kinda just weigh my actions sometimes in my mind but it's not really a big problem for me. you know how there's this cancel culture online nowadays? that's how i started wondering about these things to begin with. people online "cancel" each other for saying/doing even the slightest of offensive things so after seeing so many people do that online, i started wondering if i deserve to be "cancelled" too because i have bad things done to others too? something like that...

so whether it be me watching that nsfw content, or any inappropriate anime or doing something bad in the past.....i just wish i wouldn't have done that...which is a normal way to think i know but i've been wondering if it points to any specific disorder like ptsd, ocd, etc. ?

i've never really had any issues with these problems though but i do have some anxiety about it. i'd say i definitely worry about it sometimes more than a person normally would but that's it. like if a person won't think about doing or acting in a bad/mean way, i'd immediately feel bad for it.

most times if any of these intrusive thoughts come up when im doing something i just counterquestion these intrusive thoughts by asking or telling myself "yes these were bad decisions but it's in the past now. everyone does things they regret. you should move on now." and then i let it be and continue with whatever other task i was doing though sometimes i do wonder if i deserve to let it go and move on.

i just wanted to ask if it's just general anxiety or depressive episode because of my tendency of people pleasing and not living upto my expectations for myself or does it sound like any specific disorder like ptsd, ocd, etc. ? though i don't think it's serious enough to be called a disorder though....

what do you think? thank you again 💗

"you know how there's this cancel culture online nowadays? that's how i started wondering about these things to begin with. people online "cancel" each other for saying/doing even the slightest of offensive things so after seeing so many people do that online, i started wondering if i deserve to be "cancelled" too because i have bad things done to others too?"

Cancel culture exists because the people doing the cancelling don't know how to forgive themselves for their own mistakes. We live in a society that strives for perfection, but it doesn't even exist! It's just a concept that people tirelessly aim for and it's not even achievable. This ends up making people not being able to forgive others just like they can't forgive themselves. So instead of being loving and forgiving, they have to take other people down to their levels because they don't know what it's like to experience love and forgiveness. It's sad, honestly and nothing anyone online should really be giving any of their power to because no one on earth is perfect. No one! And you definitely don't deserve to be treated like that or even treat yourself like that because you are perfectly human and trying not to make any mistakes will keep you more stuck in life than going out there and failing gracefully. These people are likely unhappy with themselves because they don't know how to take any risks for fear of rejection by the mob. You can't let that keep you from experiencing your life because you will end up just as sad and miserable as they are. You have to dare to make mistakes and see them as learning opportunities instead of reasons to not be liked or limitations to try again.

"so whether it be me watching that nsfw content, or any inappropriate anime or doing something bad in the past…..i just wish i wouldn't have done that…which is a normal way to think i know but i've been wondering if it points to any specific disorder like ptsd, ocd, etc. ?"

No Anon, watching that stuff in the past doesn't point you to having any specific disorder. You were just a curious teen that wanted to explore something you didn't know about. Even if you did like it briefly, it doesn't mean that something is wrong with you. For myself, there are sooo many things I know I liked in the past that makes me cringe to even think about, but I know it doesn't define me as the person I am now. It's completely normal for everyone to have these sorts of interests in the past that we can be ashamed of.

Yes!!! Counter-questioning those intrusive thoughts is exactly what you should be doing. I'm so proud of you! Even though the thoughts will likely come back again another day, keep challenging them until you no longer have them come up again.

"i just wanted to ask if it's just general anxiety or depressive episode because of my tendency of people pleasing and not living upto my expectations for myself or does it sound like any specific disorder like ptsd, ocd, etc. ?"

I think it's just a general anxiety thing. We have so many thoughts in the day so we're bound to have ones that make us anxious, especially when they concern ourselves and our behaviors. It's only normal to question yourself at that age, but it also doesn't mean that anything is glaringly wrong with you. So many of us have the same sorts of thoughts and we feel like we have to be the only ones going through them, but trust me, you're likely not the only one having these sorts of thoughts.

You're so very welcome, Anon. Thanks for sharing ❤

[brillianthijinx]

i don’t understand why you think writing a slave au is okay??? since you say you’re a poc wouldn’t you understand that? did you seriously write it down and thought “ooh my readers are going to love this.”

I don’t really write anything with readers in mind tbh. Unless I get a specific ask or request everything I write is purely from my own brain.

I never claim it’s good or that I condone anything I write about. I just post random dark thoughts that occur in my head.

Guess what you didn’t ask but I’ll tell you anyway, I have diagnosed OCD, one of the symptoms is having repetitive dark thoughts. Writing them down and posting them is a very easy way to get them out of my brain. I write for me and only me.

If other people like what I write that’s great! If other people don’t like what I write I ask you to scroll past and not engage. I will attempt to tag every single thing I can think of but if something gets past me it’s not intentional it’s because I’m on mobile and it didn’t occur to me to tag it.

No one has given me an additional warning to add to my content yet even though I’ve stated multiple times I’m willing to add appropriate tags so people don’t need to see content they don’t wish to engage with.

Also I just want to clarify because it’s getting misunderstood- I am not white. I am not poc either. I don’t fit into either category neatly. Neither do most of my brethren but I will not tell them how to identify that’s not my place. Some Jewish people consider themselves white and some don’t. I have found in my experience that Jews tend to get hatred from whoever is attacking no matter where they stand politically because we don’t fit into a box. It would be so much easier on us if we did.

[icewindandboringhorror]

I have a question about your fantasy worlds. Are there the same type of illnesses (mental and physical) as in our world or is it something that's different between each species/race?

me, whenst getting a question about anything vaguely related to fantasy stuff:

This isn’t something that I’ve thought about too broadly (in the sense that usually I think about illnesses for each species as I’m making them, rather than on the large scale of the entire world as a whole) but I can give some general details about it so far ,,

(this actually isn’t too long, and is much shorter than my other posts where I ramble about stuff, but I guess I’ll put it under a read more anyway just because I’m not sure about whether the length of it would be annoying to people who don’t want to read it or not lol) 

——————-

MENTAL ILLNESS

The humans of our world (earth) and the humans (and other humanoid species) of Nanyevimi are generally pretty similar, at least in terms of brain structure and some other biological things. Though the worlds aren’t connected at all (since.. Nanyevimi is an entirely separate fantasy universe lol…), humans and other creatures in my world I guess  just happened to evolve under somewhat similar circumstances, as the worlds are fairly similar to one another, at least in certain environmental and atmospheric ways and stuff. (also obviously just.. as an earth human, when creating a fantasy world I’m going to base humanoid creatures there kind of off the humanoid creatures that already exist around me lol) 

Though, in Nanyevimi, modern humanoid species have been around much longer than earth humans have been on earth**, and also magic and stuff exists in that world, so since they’ve had much more time to evolve and outside factors influencing them that are different than on earth, obviously they’re not all EXACTLY the same. While some are very close (like a human or an elf from Nanyevimi could probably be understood well by a regular earth human doctor or something, since physically they work nearly the same), others (especially older or more magical species) may not be as similar to us. 

**( Though most history in Nanyevimi any further back than 2million years is pretty much lost due to the Mysterious Time Gap, there are still a few scattered remains of ancient things. The already advanced* state of society 2million years ago when modern records ‘’begin’’, implies that though the details of it are lost, there definitely would have to have been years of development before that time. So most people assume advanced* humanoid life (magical species like Jhevona and elves and etc.) has been around in Nanyevimi for at least 3-4 million years, and earlier less evolved forms of them (maybe more animalistic forms, similar to how some primates are with humans) have been around even longer. So they’ve had a bit more time to change and split off from each other, and have more diversity than humans on earth do among themselves (though obviously that’s not the only reason, since.. there are a lot of things like magic that also influence their evolution being different from human’s evolution on earth, even if they occurred in environmentally similar ways and etc. ) 

*(“Advanced” in the sense of having complex communication and social structure, etc. Even 2 million years ago there were obviously huge cities and trade routes and advanced transportation technology and elaborate government systems and religions and cultural traditions and etc. etc. like what we see in the modern human realm today. Which again is why obviously civilization in Nanyevimi is older than 2million years, even if records stop at that point, all those things don’t just spring up out of nowhere lol, just nobody seems to remember what came before them.) 

ANYWAY, 

basically most of the brain parts and functions are fairly similar between humans and many supernatural species. Supernatural species are more likely to have variation in physical areas other than the brain, such as  having extra organs (or less), different skeletal frames, different limb structure, processing food in a different way, different patterns of hair growth, horns, other anatomy things , physical changes that vary due to magical properties, etc. 

But the brain structure in most cases will be fairly alike between all (earth humans, nanyevimi native humans, elves, jhevona, etc. While there are some recognizable differences , definitely in terms of structure and parts present it’s usually very similar between them), thus for the most part, mental illnesses in their world actually would be quite similar to ours, as the minds of supernatural creatures don’t operate too differently than our own and still have many similarities in their responses to things and the general way that the brain works.  

Though of course, this is something that varies by species, as some have mental illnesses that would be very specific to their own kind/people who experience the same things due to their species, such as groups with very unique psychological experiences, or etc. 

Like for example, due to inherently being open vehicles for spirits most of the time and also having the rare ability to create their own pockets of reality, the Verrucalt likely have some mental illness classifications that could be unique to themselves as it would be hard for the diagnostic criteria to apply to any other group since the problems would be so specified and unique.  Or they could maybe have the same diagnosis that a human has but in a very specific way, such as a severe phobia but specifically centered around their constant loss of control of their bodies to spirits or something that wouldn’t be applicable to any other species (especially not humans who don’t even have any remotely similar abilities), since by nature they are literally unable to experience the same scenario as the Verrucalt. 

And an extension of that would be that it could also vary by skill set some, and not just species (though a majority of abilities or one’s inherent powers are at least partially determined by their species). So like perhaps due to the unique nature of their situation, those who do soul magic commonly could have issues specifically related to that, like a very recognizable collection of symptoms that seems to occur only in people who use this type of magic, that may or may not be recognized as an illness but is debilitating to their functioning and exists solely due to their specific circumstance or things that only people who do that type of magic would be able to go through and have resulting issues from. 

Like maybe people who practice soul absorption (extremely rare) have a specific name for the mental symptoms and trauma that results from essentially merging the souls of others with your own having your minds connected for a while as they fade away inside of you, etc. Which literally just wouldn’t be applicable to anyone else except for those who have had that precise experience. 

–( sidenote: Though of course a lot of this depends on how specific you want to be with classifying a mental illness, and how broad you want to keep the criteria. Like usually diagnostic criteria are not extremely specific to situation (kind of like how OCD is a broad label, even though every person with OCD has their own unique obsessions and compulsions and way that they experience that, and there are some trends in what those may be about,  there’s still not like, multiple entirely differently classified disorders solely depending on precisely what your obsessions/compulsions are about or something, they are all just classified together under the broader label of ‘OCD’), so I might be being a bit over specific here, at least when viewed through the lens of human mental health knowledge. But I think given the lack of broad connection in the supernatural realm and how isolated smaller cultures and groups can be, they would have their own classifications for sometimes very specific things. 

Like for example, Jhevona who practice dream magic having their own label for basically ptsd that is SPECIFICALLY ptsd relating to trauma experienced during the course of being in a dream realm. As they personally experience that differently than they would in waking life, and perhaps conceptualize it differently , and feel it necessary to make a distinction between the two.  Even if in our world we would look at it and just say “those are the same thing, they both just fall under the label of PTSD”. 

idk  I try not to view their cultures through much of a lens of my culture (though obviously I still do, some element of framing from your own references is inescapable) so I don’t want to just say “oh well idk if the mental health system in my own country of the USA on the planet of the Earth would make a distinction between those things then they should be the same for elves as well”. When I really think in some cases, especially in isolated groups, it wouldn’t make sense for them to all conceptualize their health systems in the exact same ways. But I still wanted to clarify just in case anyone reading this would be like “but wait aren’t you being overly specific with mental illness classifications?”, like probably, in the context of our world,, but for an isolated group of demons only pulling from their own culture with their own specific innate magical abilities and own unique experiences, idk , they would probably make some distinctions that we wouldn’t.  ))–

But yeah, generally, a majority of humanoid supernatural creatures are prone to most of the same mental illnesses that humans are, though the way they conceptualize it and the rates of them will vary drastically by culture/species. Despite some more global areas, most groups and cultures are still quite isolated in the supernatural realm, and there is no real centralized mental health system, so  each group of people with a common experience (so mostly same species, or sometimes same ability set) would possibly have large differences between the way they conceptualize the same idea or the language they use even if they’re talking about the same thing. Or like mentioned above, they may draw more or less separations of specifics (like one culture would consider two similar sets of symptoms to be completely different disorders, and another group would perhaps classify them as both falling under the same thing, etc).

 But classification differences aside, their brains are pretty similar so they are prone to just about all of the same things humans are, with perhaps the addition of a few specialized mental illnesses resulting from their unique experiences that humans could never experience. 

Similarly,  depending on the species,  some mental illnesses may be more common while some may be nearly non-existent in the population,  just depending on the genes and especially environment they are in as a group.

 Like for example disorders seen in those who have been through repeated severe trauma would likely be pretty common in the Avirre’thel , mostly in the older generations, given the many periods in their past involving nearly constant violence coming from the Fanyin Elves, and also the unique issues of their immortality.

They can’t die and they’re mostly unable to pass out from pain alone, so like no matter if a gang of elves is beating you and your friends to ‘death’, you just have to live and experience it, and then you have to lay there for days/weeks in the woods in excruciating pain, just sitting there alive waiting for your own body to regenerate to the point that you can walk again, hoping they don’t come back and find you and attack you a second time,, etc etc.

 Being unable to die, means you’ll often live through things that are meant to kill you or would have killed you. Not that dying is a good thing, but just that you’re living through tons and tons of experiences that most people would never have to live through, because for them, the experience would have reached an end at this point (even if that end is death).. But since that’s not an option you just have to keep on living through it. You could get violently “murdered” and have your limbs ripped off and be burned alive 3 times in  just the span of a month and you’d still stay alive and mostly conscious through all of it, now retaining the details and memories and trauma from the entire experience. 

Also, not dying means longer life span, so where most people only have like 100 years or so of experiences to deal with, you’ve got thousands of years.  Where most people would die during being attacked, or die naturally at a fairly low old age, you just continue on forever, accumulating more and more (potentially harmful) experiences, with no break between them. You could probably go 70 years without having too much bad happen to you, but every extra year you live is another year something could happen, and by the time you get to like 700 years old it’s almost definite you’ve been through something traumatic at least once. Which obviously you wont remember every experience in your lifetime perfectly, but the longer you live, just statistically, the more time you have to experience harmful things and live through them now being affected by them, especially if you’ve spent those thousand years in a mostly hostile climate where elves are trying to burn your village down all the time and shooting your children with arrows for funsies.

 So anyway, the implications of the high amount of adverse experiences they’ve been through  due to their environment, in combination with all of this being nearly inescapable for them (you can’t just die and have it be over with),  would probably mean a much larger percentage of the population suffers from a variety of  trauma related symptoms and illnesses than other groups would on average.   

Whereas,  a group like the beach dwelling Verrucalt (as they are unaware of their hunted status and living in pretty much complete peace) would likely not experience hardly any of those same issues, given they’ve never had many conflicts in their environment and do not have much violence or even interpersonal conflicts culturally (like even abusive relationships and etc. are hardly even a thing, given their culture and also the small number, it’s easy for everyone to keep an eye on everyone as a community). It’s rare that a beach  verrucalt would experience really much trauma in their lives in general (especially since they are largely not as affected by the spirits as other verrucalt seem to be, and have their own way of rationalizing it/dealing with it culturally), aside from maybe accidental injuries or having a loved on die or something (and even then they would likely have a very strong and caring support system to help them cope with it), but definitely not on the scale of like widespread turmoil and violence etc etc. They’re a tiny isolated community with strong social connections and practically no outside or internal conflict, so they’d probably have much lower rates of trauma related symptoms than average. 

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So like anything, it would vary some by population, but in the supernatural realm it’s just that population is much more likely to be dependent on what species you are (due to general isolation),  so the rates of particular issues in a population, and the issues (and issue classifications) themselves, would be likely to vary by species and cultural environment, as well as unique abilities or experiences a group may have. But other than that, they’d be similar to us in most basic ways at least. 

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PHYSICAL ILLNESS

Physical illnesses on the other hand would be much much more varied, given that the biggest thing supernatural species vary in is parts of their anatomy and etc, which is why they may have many more diseases unique to them . Like a human could never get a Jhevona disease featuring infection of the horns, because humans don’t have horns, etc etc. 

Also, given that species in the supernatural realm are too genetically different usually to even breed, diseases are pretty much determined by species, as it would be really rare for a demon disease to show up in elves, or a vampiric disease to affect a ythrili, at least not in the same way (like if virus or something even did rarely hop species, it may be totally nothing to one group but devastating to another, etc.).

This is part of why, outside of EXTREMELY isolated populations, most people in the supernatural realm are pretty educated on species to species interactions (usually not ALL species because that would be A LOT of info, but at least how interactions would work with their OWN species and others that are significant (such as a species who’s blood they would be deathly allergic to or etc.)). 

With so many different groups there is a lot of potential for harm (such as most people in one species being carriers of an infection that doesn’t affect THEM but that would make an elf extremely sick, or a certain subspecies of demon having blood** that if a mere drop of it is ingested could make a vampire violently ill for years or etc) 

**(Blood is weird but thought to possibly contain magical properties or something because it seems to be a Big Thing in the supernatural realm, like blood of certain species can be helpful or harmful to you depending on the species you are. Whereas in the human realm it seems like, most blood is just blood..like you’re not going to drink some dog blood and drop dead on the spot or drink a monkey’s blood and suddenly feel more energized than you’ve ever been in your life. But with supernatural creatures (especially magic capable ones, which is why it’s thought to be a result of magic properties but not scientifically confirmed by anything scholars can detect) a lot of their blood can have specific combinations of interactions (MOSTLY harmful) depending on what species you are and what species the blood is from and how it comes into contact with you (like some blood is only harmful if ingested (like eaten), some is only harmful if mixed (like if you had an open wound and somehow got another persons blood in it), and some can be harmful even externally (like just having a drop of their blood on your skin could be harmful (though this is more rare)). 

Though still, the realm is kind of isolated so you usually only know about the species you come into contact with or the ones near you (like an isolated moth species down in the south wouldn’t know how they react to the blood or diseases of a species of northern elf they’re never even heard of in their lives). But even most isolated groups go out of their way to obtain some amount of information, at least about the people they’re most likely to come into contact with, and are usually very very cautious about letting outsiders in but especially about breeding or coming into contact with blood or getting close enough to them to catch a virus or something

 (which is part of why the supernatural realm, despite having such a wide variety of people and technology and magic and things that would make it easy for people to communicate, tends to be so isolated and inconsistent (like one area using glowing flowers exclusively for lighting and you go maybe 200 miles north and this other group has advanced electrical grids and then 1000 miles away from there people are just using fire and steam for everything, a little while further and people just use their own magic for lighting, etc. ) , since there have been many times in most groups where outsiders came in and things Didn’t Go Very Well (mostly like illness and etc.). Though most groups are not hostile to outsiders or harmful towards them, they do tend to be very cautious and distrusting about it, which gets in the way of trade or attempts at globalizing certain technologies and ideas. 

~(side note:  most people are okay with this. Like it’s not like there’s huge movements to globalize things, other than having the few central global areas and hubs of trade and stuff. Due to species differences and how large cultural gaps and stuff tend to be, most people, even in more global areas tend to have a cultural belief of like “well they’re not doing anything harmful to anyone and seem to be happy how they are so why intervene and try to introduce our own way of doing things”.  Though there are some groups who feel the opposite (many elves are bad about this, especially Fanyin and their allies),  I’d say a majority of cultures in the supernatural realm do not hold  ‘assimilate others to our ways’ as a high cultural belief or moral standard, thus even if it weren’t for the diseases and more biological basis for isolation, they would likely stay fairly separate anyway, aside from occasional trade and maybe intervening if some group is murdering people or something. There are not many attempts at globalizing technologies in the first place, etc etc etc 

(though it’s hard to know if this belief is naturally occurring or if the ‘just let other do what they’re doing as long as it isn’t harmful’ mentality being culturally common is in some ways actually a result of it often being historically bad to enter random groups because of disease (so like people who like to get in other’s business end up catching weird diseases and die, while those cultures who prefer to leave others alone don’t get into the same issues with genetic incompatibilities or viruses they have no immunity to and  end up surviving to pass on the ‘hey why not leave people alone’ mentality etc. etc))~

So anyway, diseases and physical illnesses can vary a lot between groups, and occasionally can end up being harmful to other groups if spread..But this isn’t much of a problem, since most groups in the realm are fairly isolated and have little contact with other species or cultures to begin with, and on top of that, most species are too different from each other for their illnesses to even be applicable to others . A majority of groups in the realm are so different they can’t even breed with each other, don’t have much in common culturally, live on different time scales (like an immortal species living next to a species that only lives 300 years), so aside from usually having a base knowledge of whether species around you are harmful to interact with or not (if the blood or naturally carried diseases of your neighbors can kill you, etc.), the health and physical aspects of other groups/species aren’t going to affect you much, unless they’re somehow applicable to you as well. 

Though supernatural creatures can still technically have some conditions that are also common in humans, it just depends on their anatomy specifically. Like some Jhevona don’t have digestive tracts so they likely wouldn’t get like, human digestive issues or whatever, but they do all usually posses hearts which function mostly the same ways as human hearts, so a heart attack or other heart condition could be something that a Jhevona may have, just like humans do. 

There are a lot of species specific health problems though,  but I haven’t planned a lot of them out yet lol. Other than like, the ‘glass sickness’ in the Ythrili , and I have mentioned that due to the deals with the ancient demon during creation with the originals, the Avirre’thel/vampires do have a lot of disease in the population (as I think that was one of the curses/cons to their agreement with the demon) but I haven’t planned many of them specifically, other than maybe mentioning that thing where they often grow too many extra fangs (like wisdom teeth but Worse) and have to have a lot of surgery to remove them lol.   

It’s definitely a Thing that all species will have their own unique health conditions or common complications, I just, don’t have many established examples  because I haven’t written that far for some of my species lol ! 

But yeah, most diseases in the supernatural realm are species specific, or specific to only a few species, which is why it’s really common for doctors to be specialists only within a certain group (such as treating elves exclusively or etc.). Though there can be broader range healers, especially people who do healing magic. Usually with higher level healing magics, what you heal isn’t dependent on your knowledge of their anatomy and is more of a general repair spell, so expert magic healers can sometimes deal with a huge variety of smaller illnesses or surface injuries and such, regardless of species. Though there are still many injuries that would be too complex/take more magical energy than most healers have/require some extensive knowledge of the species’ anatomy  in order to fix, as healing magic is not uniform or broadly applicable for all injuries at all, just many, and depends heavily on skill level or exact nature of the magic.  And especially in global areas, there are many doctors who specialize in as many species as possible to know about and treat all forms of diseases and injuries even in those with totally different anatomy or etc. 

But for the most part, medical systems are centralized to the people they are related to. Like in Navyete (where the Avirre’thel live) most doctors are vampires or demons specializing in vampiric or demonic conditions, because those are the two largest populations in Navyete (though of course also some doctors for humans and elven refugees coming in from Fanyin)... but like if you’re like a Ythrili or something and you end up in Navyete somehow, you’d have trouble getting medical care, unless it’s a more simple injury that could be helped with regular healing magic. Diseases and other physical ailments and general illnesses tend to be heavily specific to a person’s individual species. 

Though there are many broad conditions (like most everyone can get broken bones or heart conditions or a brain injury), every species is going to have a lot of illnesses and especially viruses and diseases and such that are specific to one group or a few similar groups and not anyone else.

 Sometimes there can be slight variation within a species (like between sub-species or etc.), but that usually has more to do with differing rates of health issues than having different health issues entirely (like maybe one sub group within a species has like slightly higher immunity to something than the rest of their species, but wouldn’t have their own specific diseases that don’t affect the rest of the population). 

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SO YEAH,,, uh,, the main point I guess is: Yes, technically species in the supernatural realm can have some of the same mental and physical illnesses as we do in our own human earth

but:   

Mental illnesses are the most similar, though still have some amount of variation by species or other classifications of similar experience (and will be conceptualized very differently depending on culture)

and 

Physical  illnesses CAN be the same  as ours depending on the species (like whether they have the same body parts we do or not),  but do tend to have much much more variety, and health conditions are usually specific to species and their own unique genetics and anatomy (and will also be conceptualized differently by each culture). 

Hopefully this makes some amount of sense and isn’t just me rambling forever, like usual when I feel the need to do too many side tangents lol, sorry for this being so long (and despite it’s length I still feel it’s too basic.. like I should have more specific examples of health conditions planned out but I don’t so it feels Incomplete lol… curse me for not having like, an entire list of supernatural health conditions on hand > : U ) ! But hopefully it answers the question well enough ! If you have any more questions, feel free to ask! Thanks for giving me an excuse to talk about things I like to think about too much lmao 

[qanoor]

i suppose it is ironic and apt that i am listening to a peppy pop song called “not over you” by tessa violet right now.

*

i woke up around 12.30 & stuffed my face with food i shouldn’t eat & talked to sophie a little & then went back to sleep because that is my method of coping with my anxiety and depression & it doesn’t work but what else can you do. i told sophie about what was going on with sam & i wanted her to say don’t worry, we’ll figure it out so you can live with me and ginny and tavi and miel. (or some combination thereof.) instead she said she was glad that she was moving if it was going to be so precarious whether sam and i keep living together, too. then she asked me, following our conversation/difficulty/post-breakdown anxiety last night, if it would be okay if ginny came over to help her with cleaning her room -- she’d check in on me, it wouldn’t be too long, etc. i said yes i didn’t want it to be rigid, of course it’s okay if ginny stops by briefly too. last night i was trying to ask, trying to ask if it would be okay if ginny didn’t come over really for a bit, at least until we tried to figure stuff out more. how do i say i don’t even know why i’m so hurt but i am. how do i say i fucked up and i’m embarrassed that she witnessed me screaming and yelling at you and saying all those angry things about her and she would never lose her cool like that around me and so i have this vulnerability, this mistake, this roughness, and i am so tired of having to apologize over and over but what else is there to do.

*

i woke up again around 5.50 to a beetle crawling/flying its way across my armpit. i brushed it aside and i wanted to die. i stuffed my face more with those corn puffs i shouldn’t eat & i couldn’t stop until i finished what was left in the bag & i knew it was bad & i read the comments on my facebook post about vegan/vegetarian options for the low fodmaps diet & i wanted to die & i wanted to die & i wanted to die & i couldn’t stop stuffing my face & i couldn’t stop & if you really wanted to stop if you really were disciplined if you were anything but this fucked up useless mess you *would* be able to do it you’re just lazy you’re just always sabotaging your health you call it “mild-moderate bingeing and compulsive overeating” but really it’s your complete lack of control because you’re such a useless shitty person and you never try hard enough.

*

i managed to go to the toilet and i managed to put on a shirt and underwear and pyjama shorts & sophie came out of her room when i was dumping her frozen vegetables that she’d (mistakenly?) left out into the chest freezer, and she was very happy about the new lice shampoo she was trying (she and ginny have been fighting off a strange case of lice for months now, with varying levels of non-success... strangely enough i haven’t got lice yet and maybe i should be more worried about getting it, certainly it would be more consistent with my ocd to be more worried about it, but anyway) because it’s some “natural” thing or something and it smells so much better & she kissed me and i made sure it was close-mouthed because i hadn’t brushed my teeth & it probably would’ve been anyway & she did that silly gasp thing that i love so much & 

*

i was planning to go visit sam in his room after i poured myself the last of the melon juice and mixed it with my fiber supplement (i’m only taking it once a day instead of 3 times like it says because i think i jumped in too fast initially and it might’ve fucked with the absorption of my psych meds, which could also have been a factor in my awful meltdown the other day) but when i actually went over he was gone & i asked anya if he’d left & she said she thought so, maybe, & i felt so horrible and empty & i came back here to my room & i called him & he’s having dinner at his father’s house & he said he’d be back in 2 or 2.5 hours & i asked him how he was doing & he said very shitty & i said i can imagine & i asked him if we could talk when he got back & he said maybe, depends on if i’m doing anything else tonight, i’ll let you know

*

last night it scared the shit out of me that when i keep asking for reassurance from sophie it seems to trigger her, especially in this context, in the wake of a meltdown, into doubting her entire sense of judgment, into wondering if i am doing something wrong after all when i keep asking if i am over and over, or even just more than once at all, and i know -- i know she can’t deal with my need for reassurance, i know, but -- and i said i think this is a textbook response of how abuse survivors/victims doubt themselves & i don’t know what to do with this & also it’s different everything is different & also similar, it’s always like this, nothing is ever textbook and nothing is ever “just abuse” or whatever you want to call it -- there is so much grief and mourning and history between us & it’s hard & i see her being unable to think express answer breaking down in her own withdrawal or constant distraction or -- i don’t know how to describe these things. i don’t know how to describe the feeling of lying on my bed trying to cry silently this time, am i always seeking attention when i cry loudly?, i don’t know how to describe this feeling of things with her always being my easiest reason to cry, how hard it is to cry otherwise. i don’t know how to describe the way it seeps out every last molecule of energy from my body & i’m out for a day & then i try not to be & then i am again & i see how much it hurts us both, this history, this mourning, this retraumatization, this reenactment, every time i have another screaming/yelling fit about something it’s.... and i feel the need to clarify, always, no i didn’t scream/yell again last night, but it was still related to the other night, and why this endless need to clarify, to ascertain, to document.... am i just always trying to prove some kind of innocence, or some kind of “at least” or “it wasn’t as bad as” or something? maybe everything was already premade to be as bad. no, not that. it’s not that either.

*

last night sam said he didn’t want to delve into what he was feeling/thinking about us but i couldn’t leave well enough alone and he said he just didn’t want to pile on if i was really tired & i said no it makes me more anxious to not know & so. & so we got into it again & this time we really did decide, or i helped him decide?, or something. that we should really just call ourselves platonic friends. & this was. he didn’t want to let go of this hope he keeps having that it’ll be something more, that i’ll be more romantically/sexually available and interested, that there’s something still to hope for. & letting go of all this hope is so devastating for him.

*

there’s things that are hard to document, and i wanted to document them as they were happening, but it’s also so maudlin. i said but i’m here for you and he said but not the way i want you to be. and i try to understand i try to understand, god knows i’ve been through this too, was this what i did to amira? & later much later i realized what a beautiful friendship i had destroyed in some sense forever. & i don’t know i don’t know. but i can’t feel the things for him that he feels for me. & he said you don’t know what it feels like, to be so utterly rejected by someone you have such a passion for. & i said but i haven’t completely rejected you! but when did i become this person? i should not have defended myself thusly. i have -- i have -- rejected him so utterly. this has been true for so long. this has been true for years. this has been true since i wrote the jaded poem the night after i first slept with him in summer 2013. this has been true! why do i keep lying to him and to myself?

*

i keep wanting to be this girl, like sylvia plath, who eats men like air.

but it’s dreadfully lonely & it’s not the best relationship model. maybe it’s a better business model, but i never wanted to seal the imprint of a body on a dollar bill.

*

see, he said but i’m a bad friend and i thought about how miel and i had talked about how he seems to be so much more friendly, at least sooner so, with people he’s attracted to. like how he friended evyn on facebook right away but took so long to friend miel. or how he constantly falls for all these queer people who won’t have him and keeps trying and hoping anyway. or how he said he wished he’d talked to lea on okcupid all that time ago even though lea’s really a lesbian. & i thought about the violence that exists in desire. today, sophie said that she can understand that, though -- the only really wanting to consistently connect with people who you also have some kind of romantic/sexual/complicated feelings for, that she’s like that too. this frustrated me & she said she doesn’t really communicate with people who are “just friends” either, & this frustrated me. like i get it but also i think i have learned through years, perhaps years of also doing similar things, that there has to be value in platonic friendships too, and even if everything is fluid there has to be some sort of recognition.... & yes sophie does get that too, and i guess sam does as well, but it’s... it’s... i don’t know. 

what he said was that he wasn’t sure how things would be if he got with someone else (and especially monogamously) and if i moved away & if we didn’t live together & if... & i asked him if he felt like he couldn’t live with me anymore if things were “just” platonic & it was complicated because he both said yeah that would be too hard but he also said he wanted to live with me too when i said i wanted to keep living with him. he was just scared that we wouldn’t be forever anymore

*

this is where it gets so muddy and awful. i don’t really want to live with him. i haven’t wanted to keep living with him in a long time. i never really wanted to start living with him that much, either. we’ve carved out some sort of patchwork semi-halfhearted domesticity and some kind of comfort, some kind of sustainability. but so much of this, for me, has been more about practicality and giving in to something i don’t really feel much agency in...

& so i’m awful. & so i think about -- if he moves out, who will i find to live in his room? would miel even be interested? this apartment is so small and has a tendency to become cramped, but i suppose that is moreso because currently the living room is partitioned off into sophie’s room. & what about -- laundry, that is, the lack thereof in this building, and how it really does require a car when the laundromat is 10-15 minutes away walking. 

& so i think about -- it’s been such a help to get rides from him -- not just for laundry but also for groceries and other things. & i don’t have a car (and neither does miel). & i can’t just live with someone i don’t trust. 

so then there’s -- what if i moved out instead? the moving plans have all combusted spectacularly. i really was hoping for the place that sophie, ginny, sam, me and tavi (and originally miel as well, but that’s a long story) applied for but didn’t get. and now there’s -- which occasioned the terrible meltdown about ginny and other things -- the plan for sophie & ginny to move in with that fucking white straight couple to a different place, and if the white straight couple backs out (which sophie is hoping for) then maybe tavi and a friend could join. (i am bitter that sophie doesn’t even think this is a possibility for me anymore, it seems.) 

anyway, i am really afraid. i am also really afraid that even if sam and i do continue living here together, like it was seeming to be, that he won’t -- i don’t know, that he’ll be a lot less giving now that we’re not even makeshift partners anymore. that maybe he just won’t value me as a friend, that he can’t. that if he gets into a monogamous relationship that that person won’t be okay with him living with his ex. that it really will come down to -- i’m no longer worthy now that there’s not even the vague hope of sex again. & i feel so dirty and wrong and awful. and i feel so angry. and it’s easy to confer the dirtiness and wrongness onto him. 

maybe i am just afraid that i won’t be able to use him anymore. this is such a typical “woman’s role” or whatever. i am a stereotype but maybe there is nothing else to be. so much misogyny in the very syllable of being, internalized or otherwise. it’s so complicated. depending on a guy who has more money (albeit not that much more), who has a car. 

& to look for a new place -- maybe with miel, maybe with someone else (who???) too? i’m so scared. & it’s so hard, with my being on disability & miel’s complicated low-income status (albeit they can probably have their mom as a guarantor on their part of a lease, like they currently have -- i don’t really have this possibility as my parents are in india and that’s very complicated), to even find a place that will accept the precarity of our incomes. i want to be looking for part-time work but that might not do much good either, and it’s the constant -- if i earn “too much” i don’t get disability anymore, but if i stay on disability that’s fucking miserable too. 

i wish it felt like i could get out of the trap i’m in. but maybe i am just always painting myself as the victim and actually i am manipulative, like ginny says, just trapping everyone else in my elaborate web of constraints, instead.

[troglobite]

ETA: she emailed me to apologize for the comparison (me asking for reassurance abt food vs. what her employee is doing), but honestly, wasn’t that bad anyway. 

also that awkward moment when your mom is complaining to you about how infuriating and annoying her employee is....bc of things he does bc of his ocd. 

i mean to be fair, what he’s doing is definitely exhausting and over the top. he’s giving her like twice the work, and she tries really hard to accommodate him, and usually never complains--until it hits such a fever pitch that she’s losing her own mind from the extra work and the incessant questions.

so like, i get it, absolutely.

but it’s hard to find anything to say in the moment when i’m like “...but i think i do that. i do that too, don’t i? shit. is she also complaining about me? does she complain about me like this to other people?”

and so i finally asked her this time, i said “if it seems like i’m not responding much, it’s bc you’re talking vaguely so idk the context of what he’s doing [true--she was speaking in suuuuper vague terms bc she didn’t wanna explain the whole project], and also bc i have ocd too and idk if i do what he does as well.”

and she was like “no, not to this degree. or, like, it might be comparable to you asking me if/me needing to reassure you that food’s okay to eat. i can take it for a long time, it’s fine, but at a certain point--or like, just some days, can’t do it.”

so i mean. //shrug. i get it.

but some other stuff she was describing also sounded like--

like just...monday, i think. i was sobbing and losing it over the whole thing with the play and what i’m supposed to be doing, etc. 

and she was--clearly annoyed and exhausted with something else. i really just wanted a really long hug from her, bc it was to the point where i was going Classic Autistic and was sitting rocking on the kitchen floor and wanted desperately to crawl under the dining room table, but i figured she’d be...upset that her 22 year old kid was doing that. so i didn’t. i stayed on the kitchen floor. i also couldn’t talk for a lot of it. i couldn’t verbalize anything. and she had work so she kept leaving.

BUT she was defending me the whole way through. she wanted to make sure i got the email sent and that i was okay, even though she was not in Mom Mood. 

and what she was saying was like. “this is what happened at bton. you need clear instructions and guidance. you can’t be left without that. you get confused and stressed. and it’s okay that you work like that, you deserve clear instructions and expectations. we just gotta avoid working with people like that in the future. bc the people that can work under those conditions aren’t afraid of asking a lot of questions or sounding stupid.”

and it was a weird mix of reassuring and insulting?

and so what she was saying today, complaining about her employee (she’s known the guy for like more than a decade, that’s why she knows about ocd and he’s comfortable asking questions, etc.) sounded eerily familiar.

apparently he asks too many questions, he asks questions about every instance or potentiality, he needs Hard Set Rules for everything and needs them clarified, he doesn’t extrapolate from previous experience, and his questions are incessant.

too tired (and also i have hot food sitting next to me that i haven’t even started eating) to draw the comparisons, but you can see them. 

so idk.

i’m just. very confused.