#but I think even tho in my heart I wouldn’t feel guilty I would feel guilty in the eyes of society | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

heartbreakgrill · 8 months ago

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Delicate: Vessel (Sleep Token); Part 7; "Stay here, honey."

a/n: tehe hi friends! we havent spoken much so...the tortured poets department was literally written for daisy and oliver, that's all i gotta say. i listened to i can fix him (no really i can) and guilty as sin this entire writing sesh. i missed yall tho! i feel like i havent written in 5ever. anyways enjoy friends :)

“Jesus, just pick it up.”

Oliver squinted his tired eyes at his phone screen. His body was twisted around, his neck arching to try to read the contact name that was flashing across his screen. This was the fourth time they had tried calling him. I was snug against his side, occupying the rest of his strength. I went to move away a bit, just to allow him some room to answer the phone without being contorted like a pretzel.

He felt me tug back from his hold and immediately set the phone back onto his bedside table. The screen was faced up. It was probably just me, me and my stupid naivety- but I was touched that he set it that way. My stupid belief that I meant just as much to him as he did to me made it so. Trust, love. Two feelings I had when I was with him that were now more familiar than the anger and fear I used to be consumed by.

Oliver latched his other hand, now free, around my back. His fingers splayed out around my hip, nose nuzzling into the bare crevice of my neck. I sunk into his body, an anchor sinking into cold, salty sea water.

“Eh, fuck ‘em. They’re just taking time away from me and my flower.”

I snorted at the pet name, though I secretly (not so-secretly) loved. “You’re so cringey sometimes.”

“Cringey?” He reeled his chin back, glaring down at me with those icy hazel eyes. “Girl…”

“Girl!” My mouth widened as the word so easily fell through his lips. I fought against giggles that were winning. “Who are you? Where’s Oliver?”

His laughter was deep, steady, chest rocking beneath my head, “Shh, don’t tell anyone. I’m his twin brother, Isaac. Oliver is on a top secret mission. He said you’ll always be in his heart, but he must go, fulfill his duty as a spy.”

“What the fuck,” I stated, nuzzling my head in bare chest in hopes the escape his jokes. I let out a small sigh as I fed into his humor, “You don’t have to lie to me, Isaac. I know he’s off with his secret girlfriend. Just, if you can speak to him, let him know that I won’t cry over him. I won’t miss him. Besides, his twin brother’s kinda…hot.”

“Secret girlfriend? What are you even talking about?”

Maybe I wouldn’t have noticed it if I wasn’t trained to read body language. Maybe it would’ve gone over my head if I didn’t know him, the very shell of him, so well. I could have looked past it, could’ve turned it over in my head, blurred the lines, pretended like I didn’t know the way his eyes flickered, disruption taking over his hazel pupils, as he glanced, so minutely, to his cell phone.

And, maybe it was me. Maybe I was really that insecure. Maybe I was stupid. Maybe I’d never really learn to trust him, based on the entirety of our situation.

I think Oliver noticed the flicker that tilted at the corners of my lips because his face fell, just a bit. And he rushed to cover it up, “There is no secret girlfriend, darling. I promise you that.”

And he did what he was so subconsciously genius at- he manipulated the situation, moved on from it, by wrapping me up, pressing the tip of his nose to mine, and saying, “You are my one and only, Daisy. The only one I want. Need.”

I was stupid, like I always was, and kissed him.

We continued on that morning, laying around like we always did, in the early hours of the dawn, long before anyone would wake up. They had a show later, but Oliver didn’t care about getting rest. He wanted- needed, he claimed- to be with me. I guess his idea of resting involved fucking me and kissing me and feeding me with his ownership.

He always asked the strangest questions, always reminiscent of that first night on the roof. He asked like he was trying to memorize the nocks on my bones, prophesied my future in a romantically dramatic way. It was usually when we were laying around like this, silence comfortable in our breaths.

Today’s was formed as more of a statement, curious intonation, “Tell me more about your mom.”

It took me by surprise, like he almost always did. It forced me to slow my own thoughts for a moment, articulate my memories, and find delicate words. Mostly, I wondered, “Why do you wanna know that?’’

Oliver was forced to think now, but he didn’t have much of a response, “I don’t know. I was just…wondering, I guess. I mean, you’ve told me your dad’s an ass, but you had to have gotten your beauty somewhere.”

I knew he used that compliment in a much more meaningful way than the surface level allowed it to be understood. So, I blushed, tilted my head, “Well, I could talk for hours about her. Don’t want your ears to bleed.”

“Nonsense, my love. Your voice is music to my ears.”

I nuzzled my nose to his cheek. Then, I mustered up the courage to fight my sadness and began with, “She was…literally everything to me and Sam. She…dad left when I was 5. Sam, 12. Mom was, like…30? I think? So young. She opened up her own flower shop not long before he left. But, it wasn’t nearly enough money for us to live off of. So, we, like, moved into the tiny ass apartment that was above the shop. It smelled like Chinese food because of the restaurant. And, sometimes, that mixed with the flowers. And my allergies are terrible! And, not to mention, mom smoked. So…it was rough. Sam and I shared a room, so we were together more than we should have been. We were…we were so mean to mom. We, like…took out dad’s absence on her, the fact that we had to live in this shitty apartment. Meanwhile, she was just…this ball of light. She’d stay up till 3am, in the shop, blasting Taylor Swift, arranging flowers, writing this silly little poem book she hid beneath her mattress and thought I never found and read. She picked up shifts at the Chinese restaurant literally every day. She never took a day off, not even on holidays. God, she must have been fucking miserable. But…no matter what…she was, just, like…kind. I think…no, nevermind.”

I sniffled and cut my own words off, teary eyes shutting. I didn’t want to be all sappy and emotional in front of Oliver, especially not at this time of day. As I tried to steady my breathing, Oliver’s arms tightened around me.

“Hey,” he swept a hand to my cheek, drawing my eyes to his, “Daisy…keep going. Please.”

“I think Sam really misses her. He…he’d help her out, with chores, making dinner, getting the trash cleaned up when she’d be overwhelmed and forget about it all. And at the time he resented her. But, he was a teenager. He didn’t know any better. But he beats himself up over it. I just…wish he’d be kinder to himself.”

“And what about you?” Oliver whispered once I had let a pregnant pause of silence go.

I looked up at him, struck by the question, like always, “What…about me.” My eyes drifted as my mind wandered, “I…I’d sneak downstairs, far too often, watch her from the doorway while she danced, sang, drank cheap wine, tossed flower petals all around. She’d always catch me. I was a noisy kid. But, she’d never punish me. She’d grab my little hand, drag me into the room with her, play all our favorite Taylor songs.”

Oliver cracked a joke which burst a ray of sunshine through the sadness layering itself overtop the room, “God, now I feel terrible for making fun of you.”

I punched him in the stomach, closed fist splaying out into a gentle palm on his belly. “You should. She meant a lot to me and my mom. I…she’s why Sam got into music. She had this- this beautiful voice. She’d write songs, along with her poems, and record them on this tape player.”

“Where is it now? Back at your apartment?”

“No,” I shook my head, “at hers. We never really cleaned it out. Sam still pays the lease.”

“And the flower shop?”

“A stupid fucking smoothie bar. I was really hoping one of us would take it over, run it, keep her alive. But…it’s just not feasible. Too expensive.” I’d always felt guilty for that- not investing in mom’s memory. I felt like I’d buried her back in my hometown and sealed shut whatever conscious thoughts I had of her in her grave with her rotting body.

It was just too much. She gave us everything and the world failed her, killed her. Every ounce of light that had been in her eyes was completely spoiled by the time the cancer had taken over.

The thought made me shutter. Oliver noticed and brushed a soothing hand through my hairline. “We don’t have to talk about it anymore.”

“No, no,” I tapped his stomach, “we should. I never really…never really mention her to anyone. This is nice.”

Oliver kissed my temple sweetly, “I agree. So, tell me about these late night dance parties you’d have.”

And, so, we spent the next few hours talking about my mom. Her smile, the inky flowers she had wrapped around her elbow, the way she’d let me stand on her toes while we waltzed across the shop.

We talked and talked. I cried and Oliver wiped my tears. He told me he’d give Taylor Swift another try.

And I found myself falling further.

Then, it was suddenly nearing 8am, when I knew for sure my brother’s alarm would be going off. So, we finished quickly with whatever we’d been doing. Then, Oliver helped me get dressed, which took much longer than it should’ve with two people pulling one person’s shirt over her head. It was because he stuck my head through, then dipped his head to my stomach, tracing my abdomen with wet kisses.

I giggled and shrunk away from the ticklish feeling. He laughed and chased me with his strong hands, encasing my hips with his splayed fingers. I tried pushing his touch away, writhing like a worm, but he was able to plant more kisses onto my skin.

Then his phone started ringing again.

Our movements paused. I slowly pulled the shirt the rest of the way down, meeting his eyes as my vision was cleared from that blockage. His hands moved, passively, to his sides. His body language, that distant, distracted look in my eyes burned.

“Oliver,” I accidentally whispered, then, “just answer it.”

He knew. He knew it was a challenge, a probe at the situation. He knew I was testing him. And, if he failed, if he refused to pick up the phone and answer the call, I’d run out.

I think that- losing me, watching me walk away- was just something he could not deal with right now. So, he made up some excuse while slinking over to the phone, “Probably just someone from the label. Or a stupid spam caller. No big deal.”

I was still facing away from him, still small, shrunken in on myself, when I said, to no one but the air, “Please.”

He didn’t hear me. “Hello?”

I turned around to face him, watching the muscles on his face carefully, paying attention to how he reacted to whoever was on the line. After a moment, he pressed the speaker button, and held the screen towards my vision.

“Spam,” Oliver scrunched his nose as he hung up.

Intuition, maybe jealousy, nibbled at my skin like some flesh-eating piranha. I gave one shake of my head, easily falling back into the casual, comfortable air that was routine between us. I smiled, a joke on my lips to push us past the awkwardness, “So, what kind of top secret mission is Oliver on? Drugs? Or…war?”

“Oh, all of the above!” He dramatically replied.

“Well, you tell Oliver that I need to be getting back to my own bed,” I tapped his chest, awaiting him to let his arms loose.

But, he squeezed tighter, even wrapping his occupied hand around me, “No! Please! Stay!”

“Won’t you ever get tired of me taking up space in your bed?” I giggled at his hair, tickling my neck.

He hummed a rejection, “Never. This is, like, our own secret sanctuary. Here, in this room, we can be whoever we want.”

I focused on his eyes, touching my nose to his. Then, he kissed me before mindlessly reaching behind himself to set his phone back up.

Face down.

I felt like throwing up.

The feeling was worse when I was alone, leaving his apartment like I had just signed an NDA. I tried my hardest not to overthink things, but considering our precarious relationship, this was a very difficult thing to do.

Somewhat luckily, Oliver had been normal the rest of our time together, easy-going, non-suspicious. That’s how someone who didn’t have a secret girlfriend should act. So, why couldn’t I be satisfied with that?

(Why did he place his phone face down? Why had the look in his eyes told me something different, something worse-?)

It would have made so much sense to find out that he did, in fact, have a girlfriend. After all, he’d been telling me all summer how unavailable he was. This would make so much more sense than the mindless, kind of shitty excuses he had for not being able to commit to me. Was it, then, my fault for getting involved with him? For fucking a taken man? Perhaps I’d pushed myself onto him, forcing the situation. No, no, it couldn’t have been. After all, he’d sought me out numerous times.

And, if this were the case, I was supposed to then end things? As soon as possible? Find her social media, send a fucking hey girly text message, throw myself off of a bridge in the process?

The way he kissed me when I left, the way he whispered, “I’ll miss you. You should come to the show tonight. My shining star. You’d make it all worth it. Until then, beautiful,” against my cheek, his eyelashes fluttering against my skin- there was no way I was the side piece. He was too invested in me.

Maybe she wasn’t real. Maybe he didn’t have a girlfriend. No, really- he just couldn’t have a girlfriend. It felt impossible. He was too…too caring, too gentle with me. He treated me so delicately it…just-

“Shit! Sorry!”

I had not been watching where I was going once I left Oliver’s room, which was extremely irresponsible of me. Anyone of our friends, my brother for Christ’s sake, could be walking these halls, on their way to visit the very person’s I’d just vacated. It was worse this week because Oliver’s room was on a different floor than everyone else’s. I had no way of excusing myself if I was caught up here. All I could do was be careful and hide when I heard someone familiar.

Yet, again- I was fucking stupid. I was careless. Mindless.

And I had run right into Adam.

“Daisy!” He looked up from his phone, still safe in his clutches because I’d only knocked into his left shoulder. “Shit, sorry. I’m a clutz.”

I forced out a chuckle, trying to seem chill, like I hadn’t just been having sex- 3 times- by his best friend, boss, lead singer of his band, my brother’s best friend.

“Oh, hey, Adam! No worries! I have plenty of bruises to prove I’m even more of a mess. What’re you up to?”

If I could gain control over the situation, be the one to ask the questions first, maybe then I could worm my way out of it without being exposed.

Then, a distant, deadly memory blared through my skull like a freight train. Last week, backstage. Adam, telling me where Oliver was, encouraging me to go to him. A knowing smile.

Fuck. This hole was deeper than I could ever crawl out of. Maybe he- maybe…maybe. Maybe he forgot-

“Daz…” he knew. He knew. Adam knew. He tilted his head, flicked his brows, gave a smile that suggested I just give up the facade already.

Before he could go on, I interrupted him, “Listen- just…please, just…no lectures, okay? I can handle myself. I know you guys all think Oliver’s this, like, bad person. But, he’s not. And, like- even if he is, I can handle it. I got it. I don’t need to be told what to do or warned or treated like a child. I- Oliver’s…it’s, just…you guys don’t know, okay? We have…I know it seems, like shitty, to you, probably. But…it’s really good. We have fun and, and we like each other…and that’s all that matters. Your opinions don't matter.”

As I went on, Adam’s face contorted into one of confusion, shock. Like he wasn’t computing the information I was messily throwing his way. “Daz, I…are you guys not just hooking up? I thought- I thought you were just fucking?” He let out a breathy chuckle, one of slight uncomfortability.

“It’s…yeah, like…I can see why you might think that, but…we have feelings for each other. And we’re not together or anything, but…we’re…we’re working on it.” For insisting that I didn’t want to be lectured like a child, I sure was speaking like one, shrinking in on myself, fiddling with my fingers all shy.

“So, please,” I held my hands up all defensive, like he’d lurch forward and attack me or something.

But, Adam simply sighed. He pocketed his phone, crossed his arms, eyeing me like some art exhibit. I didn’t know what he was going to say and, based on the silence he gave me, I didn’t really want to. He was calculating his response. He was probably going to fucking lecture me.

“Daisy, I…” aaand, here we go. It was me and Max in the elevator, all over again. It was Sasha, across from me at the breakfast table.

“I’m not gonna tell you what to do. That’s just not my place, no matter how much you mean to all of us, how much I think of you like, fuck, like a little sister. You are an adult. You can make your own decisions, dude.”

I breathed out the air I was holding. It was a relief, a sentiment I needed to hear. I didn’t care if I was being stupid- I just wished people would listen to me for once and let me do what I wanted.

“But.”

I shut my eyes, a bit tighter, longer than a blink took, in an attempt to ground the anger that was growing in my fingertips. “But, what?” My words were short, scornful.

“But,” Adam sighed again, “I just want you to be happy. I’ve watched you, all summer, try to prove yourself. To Sasha, to Max, to me. To your brother, especially. And, worst of all, Oliver.”

“It makes me so disappointed to see somebody like you have such little self worth. To see you dilute yourself for others. You are…so kind. So beautiful. So pointed and smart and sure of yourself. But, you hate it. You hate that you’re like that. You want to turn yourself into some version of you that just doesn’t fit. Some girl who’s edgy, some girl who’s laid back and doesn’t care what happens. That’s just not you, Daisy. You are intense. And that’s good! You’re passionate, you know what you want. You just…you need to believe you’re worth those wants. Stop doubting your abilities to make it happen. Stop doubting that you deserve it. Just grab it.”

I hadn’t expected to be so humbled. His words were…truer than any cheesy line any therapist had sold to me for $200. It knocked the wind out of me, forcing me to take a step back, literally. I guarded myself from the rush of the tornado, an arm wrapped over my stomach, one nervously rubbing my neck.

What the fuck was I supposed to say to that?

“I’m…sorry,” I whispered in response. It was all I could think to say.

“Don’t say sorry to me,” Adam touched my shoulder, “say it to yourself. You deserve the entire world. And I hope you accept that soon. This shit with Oliver will suck the life out of you.”

All I could think to do next was toss my arms around his shoulders, clutching him to my body like a warm blanket. He hugged me back, just as tight.

After only a few moments, we pulled apart. Neither of us said anything else. Adam simply touched my head, lovingly offering me this brotherly smile, before continuing his way down the hall.

I finally made my way to the elevator, one singular thought on my mind: my own self worth.

Adam had been so shockingly correct. I…

I knew it, too. I’d known it this whole time, only making myself and thought smaller in order to make room for Oliver. I couldn’t keep doing that. I needed to prioritize my own worth while loving him.

Loving him.

I needed to…

We couldn’t keep going like this.

I loved him.

And, from the way he held me, kissed me…the lyrical remedies he spoke to me…he loved me.

He loves me.

I’d confront him about this intuitive feeling.

Tonight.

–

“And this one I got when we were in Australia last year. I had this idea of getting ink everytime we hit a new city. But it got kind of expensive. Plus, we’re always so busy now that it’s, like, do I wanna eat or get a tattoo?”

“Get a tattoo, obviously,” Sam scoffed from the couch, a hint of tease within his tone. He scrolled mindlessly on his phone, barely a part of the conversation, just a nuisance, really.

Ronnie met my eyes and rolled her gaze, “Anyways-“

I giggled at the interaction before returning my line of sight to her arm. She pointed upon another piece of art inked onto her skin, diving into the backstory for that specific moment in time. Though it looked, to any passerby, that she was simply splattered with random images, doodles, animals, symbols- there was meaning to each and every piece on her body.

Tonight’s show had been postponed until tomorrow due to the monstrous thunderstorm that knocked out the power on that side of the city. With half the town closed down and plenty of free time now on our hands, Ronnie, Sam, and I found ourselves in our hotel room. We had been laying around for the majority of the afternoon, random topics on our minds.

I was killing time until I could chase Oliver down in his room, make my big stupid love confession.

Having admired Ronnie’s tattoos for a while, I was glad to finally have some extra time to ask her about all of them. It was always nice to get to talk to her, especially this in-depth, about most anything. She was intelligent and, frankly, hilarious.

She finished telling me the story about the horseshoe around her elbow. Then, before she continued down her left arm, she paused, another thought having intruded her concentration, “Daz.”

I tilted my head in recognition of my name, encouraging her to go on. She gave a little grin, like she had some sort of coy idea floating around in her head, “You don’t have any tattoos? Right?”

I shook my head. “Not yet. I definitely want some. Honestly, I get a little nervous,” I sheepishly admitted to what was holding me back.

Ronnie’s expression positively grew. I understood, based on the context clues and the way she peered over at me, what she was getting at now.

“Half the city is out of power,” I raised my brows at her. I wasn’t opposed to the idea- I, myself, even had a little smile itching at my lips. I was just…a little scared, to be honest. I hated needles, like any average person did. Plus, the idea of something so permanent on my skin terrified me. What would I even get?

“I know a guy. He’d come to us.”

“I don’t know what I’d get! I can’t do last minute things like this. I’ll regret it forever,” I giggled, though what I was saying was true.

Ronnie sat up, grasping my hands in hers. She clutched on, begging from her knees on the bed beside me, “That’s the best way to get a tattoo. Get something stupid, something you don’t even know if you like, so you can regret it and hate it until you finally decide to love it! Plus, what a memory we’ll make, Daz! We’ve barely gotten to do anything together this summer, yet you’ve become like a sister to me. We have to do it!”

Sam came out of the bathroom, face half-covered in shaving cream, razor dangling between his fingertips. He met my gaze as I turned my head towards him, a relaxed, pleased look on his brows. “Daz…”

“Sam..” I returned his tone, awaiting his criticism, his claims of me being too good-two-shoes to follow through.

His brows rose more, “Daz! Come on! You have to!”

“Sam, really? I thought you of all people would hate this idea! You really think I should do it?” I was shocked, to say the least. Where was his chidness? His disapproval? The daunting argument always between us?

Nowhere to be found. It was like character development, magically morphing itself before my eyes.

“You have to! You said yourself, this summer is supposed to be about letting go, having fun, being dumb. So far, I haven’t seen you let go and be dumb at all. So, you have to check those off your list! What better way to do that than by getting an impulsive tattoo?” He pointed.

If only he knew just how dumb I’d been this entire time.

I think he’d have killed me if he found out even just a shred of the truth.

He was right, anyway. What I thought was letting go, not caring- it wasn’t. And I knew that now. It was exactly what Adam had been telling me.

Oh, well. Sam would soon know the truth, once Oliver and I talked through the relationship. I’d deal with that hill after the mountain.

Everything between me and Oliver was out of my control- yet, I was clutching to the situation with white knuckles.

The idea of a tattoo was a distraction, a shred of proof, to myself, that I could control something. That I could genuinely let go of fate for a moment or two.

Besides, I’d always hear that tattoo therapy was the best kind of way to get through shit.

“Fuck it.”

So, there I sat, still in my pajamas, fuzzy socks on my feet, on the edge of my hotel bed, arm propped up on Ronnie’s friend Frank’s stand he’d brought with him.

I didn’t know what I was getting. Ronnie convinced me to let her pick something out, but I only let her do so if Sam had approved it first. The giddy expression on his face and the squeeze around my shoulders that he gave me signaled that it was a good pick.

My knee was bouncing. Anxiety that I more than expected filtered through my system like a poison. I steadied my breathing, focused on the fidget ring I wore on my left hand. Frank was setting everything up on this collapsible tablet he’d unpacked from this wagon he stepped into the room with. Ronnie and Sam talked his ear off, laughing over old memories they all shared. I didn’t even know my brother knew this guy, but I guess he had this entire life I didn’t know about in the first place.

I kept to myself, fit with the quiet introduction I offered and the stress that bled off of my skin in droplets of sweat.

more pre tattoo shit

“You love it?” Ronnie stood behind me in the mirror,

cutest poolside

“What the fuck!” Max bounded through the door. He had a Sleep Token bucket hat on his hair and I nearly snorted at how goofy it looked on his head.

But, any tease I wanted to prod him with was curbed as he brought his complaints further into the hotel room. He spotted me after looking over the rest of the habitants. His offended expression didn’t lessen, though, like I thought it would once he fell into his usual routine of laughter and flirts. Instead, when he approached me, towering over my lounged sprawl across my bed, he noticed the black ink pooling beneath the dermal-wrap on my forearm. His brows shot up underneath the rim of the bucket hat that I was beginning to grow just a little jealous of.

I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t gotten into the boys’ music ever since the show. But I’d never admit that to any of them. Especially not my brother, who would’ve acted like the snarkiest prick because of his incessant need to be right, even though he was usually quite wrong.

“No fucking way!” Max climbed onto the bed beside me, crawling across the messy sheets by his knees. He stopped beside me and grasped my wrist in his hands.

The pull gently lurched me forward, forcing me to sit up. I dropped my phone to the bed beside me as Max dipped his head low, examining my new tattoo. I giggled at his wonderment.

“You got a tattoo! Without me! What the fuck! Daz, I’m hurt!” Max pouted, meeting my eyes with the puppy dog expression sinking in his brown ones.

Adam, Cyrus, and Oliver had shuffled into the room. The former two latched onto the tattooist’s conversation with my brother and Ronnie. They started bouncing ideas off of him as quick as one could blink. I wondered where they thought they could fit more ink on their already crowded skin.

Meanwhile, Oliver wasn’t being shy with how obvious he was, peering towards Max and I like we were a museum attraction. But, I was probably the only one to notice how his gaze first latched onto Max’s fingers, gripping my arm. Then, he moved his attention to my tattoo, trying to make out its shape from the distant angle at which he stood.

I felt it now, more than ever, since I’d confirmed the feelings in my gut and let them rise to the surface. Just looking at him, I knew it…I loved him so fucking much.

Though Oliver had averted his expression, his point of view, I knew what that first glance had been. I knew that burn in his gaze, the sickening claim in his pupils. Jealousy. So sickly sweet and insecure.

Suddenly self aware, if only because of that strange understanding I had of him, I slipped my hand from Max’s. I pulled my knees in front of my chest which expanded the distance between us. Though the movement was light, Max noticed it like noticed his own breaths.

His words stuttered for a moment, fading away as the proof settled in the room, “How’d you deci- decide….on…” He filtered his look from my face then over his shoulder, at Oliver. I had peered at the latter for a moment too long, a gaze which was easily noticed by my friend.

“On it,” Max’s tone fell off. Oliver didn’t meet his eye, his gaze latched onto my tattoo still. What had been an observational moment for Oliver turned into an avoidance of Max’s confrontation.

I was seeing through the smog now, the rose colored glasses just a bit dimmer than they had been before. And Oliver looked…he looked ashamed. Ashamed that Max was finding out, or ashamed that he had been with me? I would soon find out.

Max glanced back at me. I followed the curves on the sheets with a distanced glaze behind my lids, barren all the same. Then, Max looked to his friend again.

He waited for someone to say something. But neither of us would wave a white flag, nor would we confess to the guilty sin. My plan had been to tell Oliver how I felt, then tell everyone if I needed to.

And I didn’t really want to. Especially not Max. I felt like I’d betrayed his trust.

Max sighed, sitting up a bit straighter. He dropped a gaped, “Oh,” before pulling himself off of the bed, becoming a part of everyone else’s momentum.

My body paused, Oliver and I tangled in the poison ivy on the cream colored wallpaper behind me. He didn’t look at me, he didn’t breath, he didn’t do anything. He just stood there, anxiety bleeding off his healed scars like me.

I hadn’t expected him to jump onto the bed, proclaim his love for me, and tell the judgemental town folk that they just didn’t understand Romeo and Juliet. But, something other than his quiet treason would have been everything to my jittery frame.

I would have appreciated it if he had, at least, told Max to forget about it. If he would have shoveled some excuse off the tip of his tongue, defended me, us, the stupid love affair we thought was getting us somewhere.

But he didn’t.

He just fucking stood there, like he always did.

It made the confidence Id just built up waver a bit.

I was too anxious to really do anything, either. I couldn’t find the nerve to stand on my own two feet, let alone pull Max aside and try to excuse our indiscretions. The room was suffocating as the stress further settled in.

Max knew. Max knew.

He knew.

The cat would tear itself out of the bag any day now if I couldn’t get it under control today.

It was only a matter of a ticking time bomb. When would the seconds run out? When would the explosion shatter my skull?

I thought about running out of the room, tossing myself off the balcony.

But before I could find the strength to get my footing on the carpet of the hotel room floor, someone was saying my name. Someone was dragging me into a conversation, turning the room’s energy onto me and Oliver’s sad, pathetic, bubble of shame, anxiety, and ruthless obsession.

I snapped out of my fragile little frame like the chill girl that I was and answered the question Sam had asked;

“Do you remember mom’s joke? About the flowers?”

I rubbed my dried lips together until they morphed easily into a sweet smile. The anxiety was pushed back down, like it always was, as I played my old, now forgotten role, “Which one? She had that book behind the counter. She harassed customers with it. Said she’d been a comedian in an alternate timeline, but I don’t think so.”

Sam rolled his eyes gleefully. The room shared a laugh at the thought of some eclectic woman, chasing customers out of her flower shop with a thrifted joke book before her eyes. I remember one time she tripped over a pot and nearly fell onto the concrete floor, already sprinkled with petals and cut-off flower stems. She caught herself, but fell to her knees with laughter. Sam rolled his eyes from behind the counter, where he’d been doing homework.

But, I could see myself, 10, braided plaits in my hair, scurrying over from my seat at the window. I abandoned my book, something I never did, to bask in my mom’s joyous laughter, something I missed more than air these days.

I wonder what Oliver thought of this story, now knowing what he knew. I wanted to look for him, for a smile. But I kept staring straight, at my brother.

“I know, but it was, like- it was the one about the photos and the camera. Something, like…” he racked his brain, concentration on his blond brows. “Helping..plants?”

“Helping the plant photosynthesize!” I straightened up as the punchline lurched from the depths of my memories.

Sam and I laughed, louder than the others possibly could, as we shared a sacred vision, as blurry as my eyes, as fleeting as the smell of our mom’s perfume. She loved that joke.

I could do with a little bit of her humor, now more than ever.

The things she’d say, if she could see me now…

Regardless, I think she’d have liked Oliver.

“Well, don’t bother telling the joke,” Ronnie snickered, patting Sam’s shoulder.

I noticed the intensity of his bone, from just the longer of her fingers on his clothed-skin. But he easily hid that before it became obvious. I recognized that flinch…But my brain was too busy to really memorize the interaction, let alone evaluate it.

“You spoiled it!” Ronnie drew another laugh from the crowd.

The joking continued, though the topic moved away from our mom. My thoughts lingered on her, as Adam moved to the tattoo station, the artist having found a spare spot on his shoulder to put some symbol I couldn’t make out.

My attention turned to my arm, to the burning ink settling its way into the layers of my derma. Two thin flowers, stems rooted in nothing but my pink skin, no soil in sight, just the garden of my body. The petals shaped out the delicate curve of the pair of daisies, my mom’s initials written out to the left of the small bouquet.

I looked up when I felt someone’s gaze on my face. It was Sam, watching me admiring my tattoo with this awestruck way that only a brother who loved his sister could appear.

For the first time in a very long time, I felt the urge to break the distance between us. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and held him tightly against me. He didn’t hesitate to embrace me, even tighter. When he pulled apart, he pressed a kiss to my hairline.

“I love you, Sam ham.”

He punched my shoulder.

I was so scared to tell him about Oliver, though I was now realizing it would have to happen eventually. Adam’s advice- unsolicited, sure- had given me so much clarity. I was running, so much, so far, on broken ankles. Running from the truth, from myself.

I couldn’t anymore.

I went to say something else, but a phone started ringing in the room somewhere. It wouldn’t have been too halting if, when I passively looked over my shoulder, it hadn’t been Oliver’s cell.

He tugged it from his pocket, curiously reading the contact across the screen. As always, he denied the call and stuck it back in his pocket. He’d told me before that he thought it rude to answer it in front of others. Yet, as soon as he put it away, it began ringing again.

He went to deny it, again, when Cy called out a tease from his seat on the couch. “Dude, just go outside and answer it. Could be someone important.”

“It’s not,” Oliver muttered, denying it.

It was ringing. Again.

“Your mom?” Sam inquired, brows furrowed.

I knew Oliver’s mom didn’t call often, a small detail he’d told me once in a fleeting conversation about his family, a set of people he didn’t really identify himself with if only because of the distance between them all.

So, when she did call, he’d always take it. Couldn’t be her, but I couldn’t vocalize this knowledge.

Oliver shook his head, confirming my suspicion. Everyone else that I knew he spoke to was in this room.

Spam, probably.

Oliver denied the call. It was ringing before he could hide it away, shut it off, hell- throw it out the window.

Oliver huffed, loudly. Sam snickered, then, a knowing chuckle that told me he knew something I didn’t.

“Ooo,” Sam took a few steps towards his friend, who was still seated on the couch. He peered over Oliver’s shoulder, who quickly hid the phone. “That tells me all I need to know.”

“Shut up, dude,” Oliver’s eyes rolled over mine, shortly, quickly, ashamedly.

This was, really, where things did start to fall apart, if I had to pick a singular moment in time and stamp it.

This was it. The end of it all. My demise.

Our fate finally crawling from our throats.

Where I thought I had control, where I thought I knew exactly how to handle the situation, cure our disease…

There were cells multiplying beneath our pale skin.

Max, sat on the couch now, stood to his feet with a sense of urgency. He met my eyes as I glanced at him, right before things clicked in my head, right before Sam opened his mouth. It was like he could see the future, his intuition screeching like a siren. Once the bomb dropped, I noticed the panic in Max’s eyes and looked back to my brother, towards Oliver, who gazed at me again, as fleeting as that final look was.

“Ah, it’s your little girlfriend. Knew you two would get back together. How is Fiona these days? Still annoying as ever?” Sam seemed amused by the moment.

He was so unaware of the drama layered just underneath the careless air he easily existed in, so unaware of the panic in my body as I fled from the room. I made no attempt to make myself seem casual or fucking chill.

Max didn’t hesitate to follow me. He was on my heels, hot as the summer air just outside of the windows.

But, I ignored him as he called out my name.

The air in my lungs was burning, like I was going up in flames from the inside out. Maybe it was that pain, or maybe it was the choking tears flooding down my cheeks, but- my vision was blurring. I was dizzy. Short-lived muscle memory is the only thing that got me to the elevator doors. But, I couldn’t find the button. I slammed my fingers against the wall, only feeling the dry scratch of the decorative paper beneath my prints.

My lips wobbled like a child’s, blubbers that were supposed to be sobs flustering out from my tongue. “Where is it? Where the fuck is it?” I whispered to myself, pointer finger numb from how harshly I was jabbing the wall.

My harbors had gone up in flames. I was floating in deep, deathly waters with nowhere to anchor. Until- Max’s voice finally caught up with me. One gentle hand on the dip of my back, one carefully wrapping its fingers around my wrist.

I couldn’t resist, not that I really wanted to, as his towering, homely frame took me in, cradled me like the child I needed to be in this moment.

The elevator finally beeped, the doors opening like another set of warm, homely arms. Max guided us inside and peeled one of his hands away from me to press the button for the second floor.

I half-expected Oliver to chase us down, to lodge his body between the doors, grab me from Max’s arms. I wanted him to chase me out into the rain, flag down a taxi, meet me at the airport like some cheesy rom-com scene.

But, he didn’t.

In fact, he didn’t say anything to me for three whole fucking days.

#sleep token #sleep token x reader #vessel x reader #sleep token smut #sleep token x you #vessel x you #vessel sleep token #sleep token band #sleep token fanfic #sleep token iii

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infranuz · 2 years ago

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“ MY GF’S FAMOUS ” — tokyo revenger headcanons ( x fem )

where tokyorev boys s/o is a kpop idol,, female reader,, draken, mikey, baji, mitsuya, chifuyu ,, modern au

— IVE BEEN WANTING TO DO THIS FOR SO LONG, just thinking abt it always had me thinking of ideas to how they would all have their kpop idol s/o im so glad to finally be writing this <3

warnings;; none I think (hopefully..) most likely bad spelling and a lot of grammar mistakes (not proofread bc it’s late and I’m too sleepy,, hopefully everything is right tho..)

ryuguji ken “draken”

surprisingly he actually knows a thing or two about kpop and idols. Was surprised to see you pop up on tv when he stayed over with Mikey because Emma actually likes ur group. “Woah Ken-chin!! isn’t that [name]??” Draken seriously had to double check to see if it was actually you.

When you actually told him you were a kpop idol he kissed your forehead and said “I know” so proudly. Believe it or not he brags about it to his friends “my girlfriend is a kpop idol, you should stream their music!!”

ALSO he once dragged you along to a party (mitsuyas bday party) and everyone was there, when I tell you hakkai froze and almost fainted at the sight of you. #3 biggest and supporter right there (according to draken) you had to kind of step out for a second with draken before hakkai had a heart attack.

still he was so happy to meet you (his bias btw..) many congratulations and nice to meet you’s from him.

at some point paparazzi actually noticed you with him out on a date (thankfully they didn’t get to snap any pictures) draken dragged you out of the park as fast as he could covering you with his hoodie. he protects you from paparazzi you can’t tell me otherwise <3

BONUS: whenever he hears your songs pop up on the radio (no matter where he is) he turns it all the way up. If anyone is around him he recommends your unit to them. “They’re really good specially [name]!!” (Of course he also looks up to your group members he just likes to brag about you a lot <33)

sano manjiro “mikey”

Once again,, surprisingly knows what kpop is all because of his sister. (I’m telling you Emma is a kpop Stan u can’t tell me otherwise) when he actually gets into your music he’s hooked

He would steal Emma’s photocard collection of you or pretty much anything with your face or name on it. Wouldn’t even feel guilty abt it, not one bit “she’s my gf I think that’s enough explanation!!” “WELL I BOUGHT IT SO ITS MINE” yeah they would both argue until you actually gave Emma new signed merch

MOVIE NIGHTS WITH HIM AND HIS SISTER and many Shinichiro.. you can’t tell me otherwise. You guys would have pop corn and snacks before watching the movie all while having your groups music playing on the background (supportive bf I love him <;3)

He hates paparazzi sm, I feel like he would be really jealous of other people taking pictures of you specially when you’re just trying to have a nice time at some cafe. Anytime paparazzi came to bash you and take pictures with you he would cling onto you and cover you from their view. “Only I should be able to take pictures of you” with a pouty face

You would take him to meet your group members and he would ask for autographs from each of them (to brag to Emma ofc). The dude doesn’t even know their names.. it’s okay tho because he’s now best friends with them!!

He actually stayed on set once you guys were filming an mv for your recently released song. Your group tried to get him to try and learn the dance (he actually made it to the behind the scenes videos which was him dancing with your group)

he reads those [name] x reader fan fictions, hee proud of it actually. Others can keep imagining while he can actually have the real thing, im almost sure he would actually have a fan account just for you.

he 100% goes to your concerts with Emma, you actually reserve him and his sister seats. Most of the time you’re always looking at him when you’re performing. if you send him kisses or winks while you’re dancing he’ll immediately go insane.

he gets backstage privileges. yes he does indeed get that privilege. always congratulated you and your group mates for your amazing performance. is extremely clingy after you guys leave for the hotel you booked. he ends up staying with you because he’s too lazy to drive back to his own house.

BONUS: CUDDLES, the best cuddles you’ve ever received in your life, specially after an exhausting performance. he takes care of you <33 “you did great today”

baji keisuke

he has some idea what kpop or idols are.. the moment you told him he just said “cool” Chifuyu would be the one to explain it to him. Afterwards he would be happy to listen to your songs and even buy your albums

100% convinced his mother would listen to you, idc idc fight me she would. His mother loves you i know she does, the moment you visited baji to meet his mother she cried tears of joy. give this woman free merch SIGNED, dude you would go as far as to take her to your group members so she could meet them all sobs.

once you were tired like really tired since you were coming from endless hours of practice so all you wanted was to spend time with your bf.. you knocked on the door and when he let you in all of his friends were there playing a board game

chifuyu who had begged baji to let him meet you immediately greeted you, bro was fascinated, astonished, flabbergasted to finally see you in flesh and bone. that day you stayed over and played games with them by the end of it you fell asleep. baji tucked you into his bed and afterwards fell asleep hugging you.

HE LOATHES ABSOLUTELY HATES PAPARAZZI. he almost punched one of them once because you were caught completely off guard as they took pictures of you with the flash on. “Piss off cant you see we’re busy??” Most of your fans actually think he’s rude but he’s a sweet guy who just wants to protect his gf <;3

No but fr he would go as far as to break some cameras just so you could have some relaxing time without having to worry about paparazzi. although many attempts have failed because there is abt 100 pictures of you and baji online having dates and picnics.. let’s just say he’s pretty pissed off abt it

baji would 100% teach you how to protect yourself from weird people, pervs and all that stuff. “There’s weird people out there so you need to know how to at least land a punch” you actually ended up sending some perv to the hospital for kicking him where it hurts. baji was proud yet disgusted at how the man even tried to make a move.

BONUS: yk how cats often come into his room, you always take care of them with baji when you stay over. it’s as if the cats were your children and you and baji were their parents.

mitsuya takashi

mitsuya actually listened to your songs even before you started dating. he was quite lucky (as he claims) to have met you that rainy day that you had forgotten your umbrella and he had offered his. “excuse me? here you can use my umbrella if you want” he was so sweet about it “ah, thank you so much I can’t afford my papers getting wet, will you be fine?”

you were surprised he didn’t bash you with questions and asking for an autograph so you guessed he didn’t know who you were. you ended up giving him your personal number so you could return his umbrella. he was shocked when he found out who you actually were,, the rest is pretty much history

his sisters love you, you always make sure to bring them some type of gift before visiting. mitsuya actually tries to get you to not buy them anything because he thinks it’s a lot but cmon now mana and luna deserve love. they wanted your groups albums for Christmas and they got that and more, you got all your group members to record some type of video and greeting they thanked you profusely afterwards

he’s a designer and you are an idol.. guess what that means. HE MAKES YOUR OUTFITS,, he totally does I know it. anytime your group and you come up with a theme for your mvs Mitsuya always offers to make your outfits. you always proudly wear all of his creations,, like for an interview?? red carpet?? music video?? or just an outfit overall Mitsuya is your guy.

paparazzi would be asking you who the designer is and all you have to say is “This is a piece made by my boyfriend, Mitsuya Takashi.. thank you for asking” he gained a few hundred of followers that day.

dates a lot of dates with him whenever you have free time, even tho paparazzi may sometimes ruin it’s okay because there’s a few 20 new pictures of both of you online showing the world how in love u are.

BONUS: movie nights with him and his sisters, it’s pretty much basically just you and Mitsuya since mana and luna always fall asleep on the first 10 minutes of the movie. anyway it’s more time for you and Mitsuya so win win??

matsuno chifuyu

now this little silly he has a whole shelf full of your groups albums, magazines and posters. he listens, streams, quite literally enjoys your music (he stans new jeans and wonder girls you can’t tell me otherwise)

your relationship is pretty much public, all of your fans know who he is. I believe they follow peke j’s Instagram account, (it’s what they love most abt your bf) like his cats account has more followers than his own main acc😭

every time you stay at chifuyu house you always make sure to bring some type of treat for peke j, he absolutely adores you. cuddle peke j and leave chifuyu outside his own bed quite literally

LIBRARY DATES,, you both go to the library to check out/buy manga and other books you may like. you guys have those cute little cafe dates where you guys either spend your time reading or just talking about your day and life

he watches your interviews, AND he was once invited to go into one. like a couple interviews or yk those interviews where couples get cards with questions that only they know abt each other. or just cute games for couples,, yeah those basically. fan base went crazy after that interview dropped

you planned on adopting a cat once so chifuyu recommended some adoption centers. sadly you didn’t end up adopting a cat but you did get a date at a cat cafe so a loss and a win?? “look at this cat!! her name is bee she’s so cute” so many cats surrounded him it was cute <33

he’s neutral abt paparazzi tbh, he just dislikes it when you feel uncomfortable being bashed by so many people at the same time. sadly he can’t do much about them,, but when you’re both out of their sight he treats you to whatever you want a lot of comfort from his part

BONUS: since you’re friends with a lot of other kpop idols you invited chifuyu once to meet some of them. he got to meet a lot of his biases and got a shit ton of autographs and merch,, afterwards he thanked you endlessly,, lots of kisses <33

©asalamis ,, please don’t copy, steal or plagiarize my work in any way, reblogs and likes are appreciated,, hope you enjoyed ty for reading <;3

#miomik #asalamis #tokyo revengers #tokyo rev headcanons #tokyo rev x reader #draken x reader #mikey x reader #baji x reader #mitsuya x reader #chifuyu x reader #x female reader #tokyorev x reader

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rollercoasterwords · 11 months ago

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so at the risk of sounding like an idiot…for whatever reason i thought this was going to be jegulily but has it actually been regulily bffs with jily/jegulus in a love triangle situation??? not asking in an angry or rude way but in an “am i so dense i missed this the entire time?’ way

(pls ignore me if you got this ask twice but my wife crapped out right as i sent this the first time)

yeahhh it’s not an easily categorizable relationship which is why the fic is not tagged jily or jegulus or jegulily bc it is. none of those. hang on i’ll explain under the cut don’t think it’s quite as much of a spoiler anymore but just in case

ok here’s the breakdown: regulus is in love with james. lily is in love with james. they first bonded when they realized they were both in love with james & both knew that nothing would ever come of it & both agreed not 2 sleep w him bc they knew it would just break their hearts etc. james is not in love with either of them. he loves them very much, but it is not the romantic love either of them desire. however he doesn’t view sex as a big deal just a fun thing to do with people, including people you love.

so like. in ch 20 what happened is that james + lily went home together, both kinda drunk, and in a moment of poor judgment & high emotion (they all might die the next day!) lily decided to sleep with james despite knowing it would mean something different for each of them & would probably make her feel like shit the next morning. james was down 2 clown & was just like aw my friend who i love of course i wanna have sex let’s have a good time! regulus walked in on them & got mad at lily bc he felt like she had betrayed their pact not to sleep with james & also bc he is jealous (he’s not being entirely fair to her, but emotions are messy sometimes, & lily understands why he’s upset). so in his anger he basically told james “u idiot she’s in love with u” & james, who thought he & lily were on the same page feelings-wise, realized that they were not & he slept with her even though he doesn’t reciprocate those feelings, which will hurt her.

so now lily feels shitty bc she sort of promised regulus she wouldn’t sleep w james and then did, and also bc james now knows she’s been in love w him 4 years which will irrevocably change & possibly destroy the once close friendship they had. and also she’s upset w regulus 4 telling james she was in love w him even if she understands why he did it. regulus feels shitty bc he walked in on his best friend sleeping w the man he’s in love with after she said she wouldn’t & he’s jealous & he’s angry at james 4 hurting lily even tho it wasn’t intentional & he’s angry at lily 4 putting herself in that situation knowing she’d get hurt & that it would hurt him & he feels guilty 4 telling james lily was in love w him bc he knows he just did it 2 hurt them both back so he’s angry at himself as well. james feels shitty bc he thought regulus & lily were both happy just being friends but is realizing that they’re actually in love with him and thus that his inability to reciprocate those feelings hurts them both deeply & there’s nothing he can do about it. & even if he could this is not a situation where either of them would be happy if he loved them both back like if he was in love with lily it would hurt regulus if he was in love with regulus it would hurt lily so. it’s a mess & everyone feels bad yayyyy who else cheered

#also this will be elaborated on a bit more in the james pov ch #but yeah it’s v tangled & messy etc #ask #wfrau

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luckyqueenreign · 1 year ago

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I’m so honored to be your fav anon! Thank you! 🥹😭

Okay what about this hypothetical/prediction to come.

Ozzy sticks and ends up single because Grace brings back Hamish and Amelia brings Marshall. Ozzy is absolutely shocked and also visibly unhappy to see him. It’s not the happy little reunion that MC and Amelia had. Then MC enters by herself. Ozzy is shocked that Grace switched, shocked to see Marshall, and triple shocked to see MC. Like heart stopping. Man was just thrown into a washer.

Now let’s think for a second s2 the stick or switch how some ended up single and picked islanders to save from unpopular couples.

Ozzy and MC end up single along with Amelia’s partner.

MC and Ozzy spend time together MC is there for Ozzy while going through the Marshall stuff and since their single they share a kiss. 😏

Now the three have to choose a person to save from the unpopular couples. They can’t be together just yet. Imagine Ozzy has to choose between saving Amelia or Grace or something like that and MC has to choose to save some people including Marshall. Either way they are stuck longing for each other. MC saved Marshall only because they want to see Ozzy and Marshall work out their problems. Ozzy is slightly upset MC chose Marshall because of their beef. The aaanngstttt. Marshall is done with the games because he realizes this is the one shot he has to make up with his brother and MC is there helping him do so. Ozzy is jealous their spending a lot of time together and lays it on thick acting like he’s into who he saves. Intentionally trying to make MC jealous and also pretending he doesn’t care because he’s hurt (cause he doesn’t know why MC and Marshall are getting close and that it’s for his benefit and not romantic) and had deep feelings for MC. To Ozzy its Marshall striking again, taking an ex but she was never his ex so Ozzy feels guilty to outright speak about how he feels. MC notices Ozzy being different and starts to get hurt by this but is still determined to help Marshall makeup with Ozzy for Ozzy’s sake.

Marshall during this is genuinely starting to fall for MC dropping the player boy antics. And when Marshall and Ozzy finally start to makeup which starts out as a fight. Marshall explains how much of a help we are and is on his way to apologize and confess his feelings the second time.

IN WALKS ZEPH. (aka Toby) who walks right up to MC and drops that he never went after Amelia, he was under the assumption it was MC, and that Amelia pretended to be MC down to the mannerisms. And double whammy she followed him on tour and she left him at the airport after an argument and he felt guilty that he just let her go. Zeph apologizes to MC and wants to be with her.

Then Marshal and Zeph are both vying for MC while Ozzy checks on MC and just trying to be there for her regardless of feelings because he “has our back” and knows what we need is a shoulder and ear.

Fb could never I know. 🫠😂

OH MY GOD!!!!! You just wrote out the outline to my next favorite fan fic. THE ANGST JESUS H CHRIST!!! It’s so good!!!! Istg fb just doesn’t get it sometimes. Like us being single would be sooooo much better for us as a player. Because we’d be able to still graft whoever we wanted. And if the person we wanted wasn’t single we’d have the challenge of winning them back plus their new partner to fight with lmao.

But this tho!! Like us getting closer to Marshall to help Ozzy is such an MC thing to do. She’s always trying to save somebody. Ozzys been burned so many times by Marshall that he wouldn’t even question that he was trying to hurt him again 🥺🥺 ugh just so good.

#litg #litg mc #love island the game #litg ask #love island game #litg spoilers #litg s6 #litg double trouble #litg fanfic #the angst

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moriartyluver · 1 year ago

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You have no idea how my face dropped when I realized we were thinking the same thing😭

Poor william gonna feel so guilty tho, bro is gonna consider jumping off again💀

IMMA KEEP ENCOURAGING YOU AND REGRET LATER WHEN IM CRYING💪🏻

The baby having red eyes and looking so similar to Liam while also being absolutely adorable and then he dies like a little bit after his birth would destroy everyone, not you tho, you’d probably be laughing huh😒

Okay this could be angsty or sweet or both but imagine when William and fl have another baby it’s also a boy and looks similar to the first one and even his crying would remind fl sm of her first baby

My spot soft for kids is way too big for all this angst😭

🎀.

Honestly didn’t expect anyone to realise but whatever. William’s gonna feel so insanely guilty. Bro was like ‘raise the child by yourself I wanna die’ and left. I wouldn’t be surprised if he tried to commit Twitter bio again

Nah this angst is getting too much for even me 😭 I have a soft spot for babies so I can’t do that to fl

Time wise tho it wouldn’t make much sense for the baby to be fully grown when Liam dies because it would have been conceived around a few months beforehand like maybe 4/5 months

HOW WOULD THAT BE IN ANY WAY COMFORTING

fl needs to stop suffering

I feel terrible for her parents too omg. They’d feel so guilty aswell

Angst may be fun to write but it still hurts. Perhaps I have a heart after all

#—a’s anons 💄#—false lovers 💋

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ruminate88 · 7 months ago

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Love After Emotional Abuse?

dealt with 3 emotionally abusive men but I didn’t know they were that way… I thought they were cold and mean to me but couldn’t understand why especially when I gave so much.

After my last relationship, I had been sooooo obsessed with him and idealized him BUT I believed truly I was “in love”. It hurt me soooooo badly when I found proof he cheated. Our break up was beyond confusing and made no sense.

I still wanted “to be in love” I spent the summer afterwards, crying over Andrew so hard but still sexting him a bunch, fighting with him, asking him questions begging for answers AND having panic attacks and suicide attacks with him. That summer was hell with him but I was so attached, I wouldn’t walk away. At some point, it was getting to be too much for me. Not enough love in my heart for him changed the outcome or his behavior. He was making me miserable and so I stopped texting him but didn’t block his number till months later. I had my final suicide attack and then prayed to God to change me. I didn’t wanna be suicidal or depressed anymore!!!

I continued to go on dating apps and try to talk to other men but they weren’t Andrew 😭😭😭 that sucked for me. I just didn’t know how to move on. I was so confused with Andrew. I downloaded this app called “Ok Cupid” and at first it was really bad.

I made the choice to delete the dating app but didn’t realize I had matched with my husband. He sent me a text message tho and he was the most normal sounding dude I ever met!! I knew instantly he was not toxic or weird. I did not care what he looked like or how old he was. I just wanted to be his friend. I felt instant relief in talking to him. I felt safe enough to engage with him and we talked and FaceTimed for 3 months before I would be his gf.

At first alllll I talked about was my exes Cody and Andrew. I didn’t know a single thing about emotional abuse. I couldn’t explain it to my husband and I just wouldn’t stop focusing on it. My husband listened and listened till one day he asked me to please stop and said he was done hearing about them could I please move on and talk about other things. Wow… I tried so hard to respect him. Even while using him as a friend, I felt he was different from every other guy I met AND I felt guilty when talking to other guys. I would take selfies just for my husband even when I told him no to dating him. I still felt like we were in a relationship.

My biggest problems/hurdles:

I was bored after Andrew. Normal men don’t over compliment you, cause a bunch of drama OR make a bunch of promises.

I was so confused and exhausted from Andrew, I just wanted a break. Meeting my husband was the biggest break. I felt like I could unpack and be comfortable with my new man BUT was I just using him??? Did I really love him or was I just safe with him??

Upon dating and getting engaged so fast, I felt short-term excitement with my new man which felt like my past toxic relationship accept that excitement wears off but nothing else changes. My husband is the same personality all the time. I pretty much know what to expect AND he doesn’t leave but it’s all about hard work. It’s daily routines. There’s zero drama or chaos. It’s overly quiet and peaceful. (It’s just what I needed)

I quickly felt “disconnected” after I got married. I see my new man, I think he has the kindest eyes and he’s such a hard worker. I wanna be good to him and respect him. I wanna do right by him but I over think, over analyze every little shift, action and mood. I worry do I truly love him or am I just hiding here to be safe. I realize more than likely what I had with Andrew was a trauma bond and obsession. I’ve not been able to stop thinking of Andrew ever and probably because the whole relationship was confusing and built on betrayal and gaslighting. I don’t know what to believe about Andrew or my feelings for him!!

I feel this wall blocking me from letting go of Andrew and my past. I can’t seem to fully embrace the present plus I feel like I am watching my life go by but not fully engaging in it. I just feel like physically in the present but not mentally because I can’t mentally detach from Andrew even tho I believe he’s no good for me.

I can’t truly explain the disconnect or the detachment but I know this will change and get better over time. As I continue to unravel truths by not giving up. I don’t feel like I’m so much lost, I just feel I’m waiting for the next break through and I’m close. But I tell myself that my husband has been nicer to me than any guy ever has and I would be foolish to ever go back to Andrew. I don’t even know the real Andrew or love him like that. I loved the version he showed me when I first met him but that person doesn’t exist 🤡 So sad…. I feel sad and sorry for Andrew despite how badly he hurt me. I always wonder if he’s mentally ill because of the times he acted like a child with me but then would turn around and act all superior and intellectual. He had different personalities with me.

I wanna feel “love” or feel like I’m “in love” but my fear is I don’t really know what that is. I’ve never got it right in the past. I use to fantasize about “love from all the movies” BUT I’m starting to believe that just doesn’t exist and that love really is hard work and a daily choice, that you may not always feel it but believe in it regardless. The grass isn’t always greener anyway. My husband triggers the day lights out of me!!! He sits for hours on his video games AND I’m too exhausted to care. Andrew would ignore me for days… I’m use to being in “isolation”. Just that, it does feel different with my husband. I don’t feel like I can’t breathe with him. I don’t see a bunch of red flags but I can’t change him and the video games. Can’t make him spend time with me.

I was soo use to no effort and total neglect in past relationships that the 1st guy to be nice to me and respect me, I marry the guy 😳❤️‍🩹 Do I love my husband??? I mean, I do want to respect him and think he’s a hard working and nice guy. What more could I want? I’m terrified to hurt him. I feel bad like I’m a bad wife cuz of my past. Even though I don’t ever talk to Andrew or Google him, the fact he still makes me so sad and upset, am I a bad person? 😓😭❤️‍🩹 I don’t wanna upset anyone.

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taylorbuggtaylortot · 1 year ago

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I don’t want to keep pretending like you care about me when you feel the need to spare my feelings by lying to me. I heard you on the phone ready to be up and at em to go on a joy ride with your buddy. I just wanted to say hi and you acted weird af to me even tho last time I didn’t say hi when I was in your neighborhood I was “rude”

I seriously cannot do right by you.

I don’t understand what you want from me. You don’t want to be with me. You don’t want to see me unless I have something for you or your buddy is bringing us together. Then you act like you care about me when we hang out. You tell me you care about me but then you can’t be real with me? Please stop playing with me. I’ve been through enough Michael. I got some real ass love for you but I gotta be greedy with that shit cause I don’t know my place in your life. That shit sucks dude. You weigh on my emotions more than you’ll ever know and I wish to hell you didn’t cause then I wouldn’t be typing a pathetic ass message to you that you’ll just skim over and ignore.

I heard you on the phone ready to be up and at em to go on a joy ride with your buddy. I just came to say hi to you cause last time I didn’t when I was around, you said it was rude. I didn’t want to make the same mistake again. I wasn’t pressuring you into anything. I wasn’t going to. I’m not going to force or beg for you to want me around. I can take a hint. Just when you say it’s not like that but then act like that, idk... I want to believe you when you tell me things but my trust issues really flare up when you do shit like that.

Then we hang out and you tell me you care about me or that you wouldn’t hurt me, and it sounds so nice and for a second, I feel really warm and comforted until I just realize you don’t really mean it. Why would you? To you, I’m a space filler. To me, I think about you all the time, and I’d like to stop. It’d probably be the only way I’d stop allowing myself into situations like this where I end up feeling like this. And I try to do things to stop, I do, but I feel guilty about them which why the hell do I even care? It’s not like you do. It’s not like you would.

You’re too busy having fun. Meanwhile I’m stressed about whether or not I’m making you happy or not.

I hate you.

I hate you. I hate you so much.

I hate you because you’re the one that I love.

I hate you cause I can’t do a thing about my emotions and It’s causing me pain.

I hate you because I never wanted to be vulnerable or soft and you got that from me.

Sometimes I want to take it all back, and I hate you because I’m not sure of that.

I hate you cause I love you, but it doesn’t fucking matter.

I hate that I love you cause it makes my heart shatter.

I hate you for the way I don’t love myself when I’m lonely and feel like I’m going through hell.

I hate you for telling me shit like you care cause I hate when it hurts and you’re never there.

I hate how you can easily make me feel okay.

I hate how I care about whatever you say.

I hate how I’d do anything to make you so proud.

I hate how you take me for granted now.

I hate how your words hold so much damn weight.

Especially not compared to the actions you take.

I hate how I let you get away with murder.

I hate how I’m done yet I still take it further.

I hate how you know more than the rest.

I hate how I’ve not gotten things off of my chest.

I hate how we’re broken and this is a mess.

I hate how it’s worse cause we’re both unimpressed.

I hate that I think of you all damn day long.

I hate how you inspire me to never do wrong.

I hate how I’ve tried to pretend I didn’t care.

I hate that we both lied so now it’s just fair.

I hate how I want to hate you so freakin bad.

I hate how I have no business feeling that.

I hate how I want to tell you what’s wrong.

I hate how I want to share all these songs.

I hate how I want to tell you what’s right.

I hate when I can’t kiss you goodnight.

I hate how I think you’re the most perfect thing.

And despite all this shit… I still can’t complain.

You’re a pain in my ass, and i don’t know why but I want you to always be in my life

I hate how I think you mean me no good.

I hate how I feel like I think that I should.

I hate how I still believe you’re not bad.

We’re a little bit damaged and a little bit sad.

Maybe I’m stupid. Maybe I’m dumb. Maybe I should hate you and really be done.

But maybe I’m just tired of playing these games.

And maybe our pride is just in the way.

The thought of you happy with somebody else

Makes me just want to leave and be all by myself

The thought that I don’t have a permanent place

Cause one day you’ll get up and be out of this place

The feeling that you could just leave me behind

Without a spec of a thought in your mind

The way you’d replace me and already have

The way I could never. I tried and I can’t.

I hate how I know that I need to move on

Cause it’s like a sad break up song

I hate how you feel me when I’m starting to detach

And with one little word, I come running back

I wish I could make you care just the same

But I want to stop playing that game

So you can know how I feel and think what you do

And I just hope that life loves you back as much as I do

And I hate to say bye

I don’t want to lose you

But I have to choose me

Even if you don’t want to

I’m sorry for never believing you cared about me. I think tonight I realized that people might actually care.. it’s just my perception has been too fucked up to believe it. I’m still processing this information and it’s hard to take in. I just honestly doubted anyone was being real with me when they said that. I just thought people said nice things to get something from you or because they felt bad for you. I realize I might have projected that emotion onto every one who’s tried to be my friend recently. I just assumed no one actually wanted anything to do with me and that I just knew kind people who took me in as a charity case because that’s what I’ve dealt with a lot in my past. I just kinda feel the need to apologize to everyone I thought was lying to me because I know how frustrating it is to genuinely care and still be looked at like a person that’s outside of your character. Im just kinda sitting here like.. damn maybe people weren’t lying. My brain just makes it make sense and it’s really good at it, and so I believe it cause it sounds logical the way I reason it out and then I get confused because of the things people do that counteract the “logic” and then I conclude that if I’m confused about if a person cares then they don’t so I just never really treated you or Chloe even like someone who meant what they said when you tried to care about me. I realize I took a lot of it for granted because of that.

Maybe not in a way you could tell but like emotionally I was greedy because I didn’t see the point of caring more than I could help

Also like I’m not trying to be rude but I don’t really wanna hang out with you and Vic. I feel like you guys have something set up to get me over there to give him a good time. I know he’s your friend and all but I feel like I started playing a game with y’all and really I feel disgusted with myself for even stooping that low to try to get what I wanted. I feel passed back and forth and like a toy y’all play with when you’re bored and wanna have fun. I just feel like I need to quit a lot of shit and unfortunately that’s apart of it. I feel like I was told that being something you couldn’t have would make you stop running from me but now I don’t even want you to want me like that because I don’t like what I did to earn it. I feel like it’s ruined because I made myself look some type of way to yall and that respect is gone. I just want to be safe with somebody and I can’t do that if I’m doing childish shit and not protecting myself… and what I want doesn’t involve more than one person.

I know you feel differently about that kind of stuff. I know you guys like going out and getting females who are down for whatever and hooking up with women but I’m just tired of acting like I’m okay with it and getting fucked up just to be okay with it or go through with it just to go home and feel like absolute trash about myself. I can be fun, but I’ve been coping in all the wrong ways cause I felt worthless for so long and I’m just looking for someone I can sit with and be at peace around and I don’t want to get in the way of what you have going on in your life or come over to that situation and be a downer who’s in a bad mood because of how I really feel so I’d rather just put it out there like I’m really tired of being told I’m bad vibes because I’m trying hard to be okay with shit that I don’t wanna be okay with. I have a lot of things to heal from and doing that to myself is just gonna set me back. I know y’all are kinda coasting in life just dealing with normal things and having fun but I’m trying really hard to get my shit together and ain’t nobody gonna do this for me and I can’t make it harder on myself than it already is. I want something real and pure and the partying and the shit y’all are used to that y’all like to do to have fun, I’m just on some other shit right now. I wanted you ever since I saw you and it’s like as soon as I knew you existed, I felt you and I had a string connected to you.

I have more love for you than I could even try to understand and I don’t normally connect with people on that level like it’s usually just me, Beia, music, and god. I’m not super social though I’m great at it. I’m kind of a workaholic. I’m always trying to better myself in some way. I just don’t do these types of situations and personally, when I find some one who wants the things that I want too and we can be a team, I just imagine that no matter how strong they feel I am, they would still make it a point to protect me from certain situations. I know that I’m just some one you call to have fun and that I’m supposed to respect that I’m your phone call and not some one else but that still doesn’t make me feel special. Quite frankly, settling for that because I care about just sounds pathetic to me. I’m done taking advice from your friends cause it’s never good. If I’m feeling this many feelings and taking time to get to know you and being as vulnerable to you as I’ve been lately like … I don’t just open up like that. It may be normal for you to be that way to people but you know things about me that I don’t ever really talk about and the fact that you pulled shit out of me that I didn’t even know i was willing to say to some one freaks me out because I don’t think I’ve ever been more myself around anybody and then you pass me off to your buddy like a baton and the thing that was special to me just loses meaning and it shows me that i care more and I need to chill on that shit.. cause I’m over here giving meaning to something that’s just another conversation that you could have with anybody.

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alsjeblieft-zeg · 2 years ago

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313 of 2023

I am a girl. I am a teenager. I am 18+. So i can drink alcohol legally. I drank it illegally anyway. But i’ve never taken drugs. And I’ve never smoked. I watch too much TV. I have a TV in my room. I also have my own laptop. I don’t have a job. My parents give me money when I ask. I would like to have a job though. I’m really lazy. I procrastinate everything. I read cosmopolitan magazine. I never read magazines. I write my own music. And I play guitar. I hadly ever wear skirts. But i think they are pretty. I almost always wear converse. I have converse in multiple colours. I wear vans in multiple colours. I have a double bed. I have extra pillows on my bed. I have stuffed toys on my bed. I have a boyfriend/girlfriend. (husband tho) I love them more than anything. I miss them right now. I am guilty of putting my boyfriend/girlfriend before friends. I always obey the hoes before bros/ bros before hoes rule. (what) I’m a virgin. But I’m not against sex. I’m just waiting for the right time. I prefer to just cuddle rather than have sex. I don’t think kissing someone in a dream counts as cheating. But kissing in real life does. I’ve never cheated. I’ve never been cheated on. I know someone who has cheated. A perfect date would be a quiet night in on the sofa watching a film. A prefect date would be outside. A picnic on the beach till sunset would be amazing. SAND. I’ve never asked anyone out. I’ve always been asked out in person, never through facebook or anything. I think it’s nicer in person. I’m friends with an ex. I’ve had my heart broken. I love my parents. I’m british. I’m a 90’s kid. I watched bananas in pajamas. And saved by the bell. And i had a crush on Zack. I drink tea. I hate coffee. Fizzy drinks make me hiccup. I’ve been to Glastonbury. I’ve been to Reading/Leeds. I’m going to a festival this summer. I hate camping. I don’t own a pair of wellies. I wear heels more than flats. I tend to wear boots often. My toenails are painted. I only wear make up on special occasions. I had and went to a prom this year. I like making daisy chains. I can make cakes successfully. Nah, I even burn toast. I’ve accidentely set something on fire. It was a microwave. I have tan lines right now. I don’t tan, just burn. I use fake tan. I am ashamed of my email address. I have an iPad. I have an iTouch. I have an iPhone. I can’t swallow tablets easily. I like the taste of calpol. I wear slippers. I wear a watch. I wear skinny jeans. I wouldn’t call myself skinny. (but others do) I’ve been on a diet. I was single last valentines day. I like being single. There is someone i like/fancy. But they don’t like me back. I’m too shy to tell them how i feel. I am a boy. And i feel like this is directed towards girls. I enjoyed taking this bolding survey. Nah, I’m just REALLY bored.

#survey #bolding survey #random survey

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ventingbeec · 11 months ago

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3. my sister

my little sister is literally taller than me and ofc i hate this so much

i love my sister with all my heart but i wish i was the taller one

so these are some things she told me

im really into fashion so ine day i talked to her about an outfit and she told me that it wouldn’t look good on me because im short and that kind of outfit only looks good on tall people

she told me this not only this time but multiple times and multiple occasions

and that shit broke me i felt like i don’t deserve to wear a certain type of clothing just because of the way im built

as if im the one who controls it

believe me if i could grow raller on the spot just by a clap of hand or snap of finger i would do it and i would be 5’8

and so what she told me then was stuck with me forever because whenever i think about a motorcycle jacket now i just think i can’t wear it because i would look ridiculous i would look like a clown and so i don’t deserve it

im stuck to wear just a ceramic type of clothing like a curse just because im not tall

and so maybe that’s why im so obsessed with growing taller because i want to wear whatever i want even tho i can wear a motorcycle jackright now i couldn’t feel good in it if im not 5’8

4. classmates

a. ok so last semester i was in class with my friends and so i stayed in a weird position on the chair

like a meditation 🧘 position

and my friends they were like how could you sit like that

wow you’re so flexible

and i was like yea idk

and so this girl said “yea but shes also very short so”

that shit hurt the fuck out of me

tf has flexibility to do with my height

i hate this so much

i hate being perceived in general but being perceived as short and my height being so important on a daily basis hurts so fucking much i wish it didn’t matter that much then maybe i would be happy but it does matter that’s why i want to be taller

b. one time this dude hold my hand in front of everyone in the class and asked them

“doesn’t this look weird, i look like im holding hand with a kid, it’s so weird” that shit hurt so bad because what does that mean??? im not a child we have the same agee

he wasn’t even that tall himself

i feel like i don’t deserve to be loved and i also feel nobody would ever love me because he would think the same thing as that glassmate

that it’s weird and i look like a child

c. this one guy who was my table mate said a lot of hurtful things but im gonna talk just about the height

he said my head it’s so big compared to the rest of my body and i have weird proportions

he once asked me if my younger sister was talller than me then laughed

it’s true that my proportions are weird and i already hate myself so thanks for reminding me that would be stuck with me forever

d. this girl who i was close with in highschool

ok so we had to go to the school assistant to measure our height and so when she measured mine and my friend heard

she… looked literally disappointed…

that shit hurt so do bad because it also reminded me of my mom who had also expectations from me to grow a certain height and it hurt so so so bad

i think like i disappointed people just by existing and not getting their expectations and i feel so guilty for it

maybe that’s ehy i force myself so much to grow and im so obsessed over my height

because i want them to love me

ok so my friend then said (very sad and disappointed) “wait, so that means you wouldn’t grow more than this?”

not only that it breaks my heart that she even expected me to be taller like an object but i also felt like she was ashamed to be in public with me

and i feel this emotion till this day

that people are ashamed to be in public with be because im ugly short and i don’t look a certain way so i could hang around the

i hate myself and the way i look so much and i feel i can’t be around people because they also hate me and are ashamed to be seen with me around the and that’s why i don’t get very close to people anymore

i hate hate hate hate being the short one

in friend groups

in family

in class

i hate it so much

i hate myself

i want to be tall so bad

why why why can’t i just exist and people be happy with me the way i am and be proud if me

and even if a was a hamster they could of loved me and not be ashamed of me

State of minds and the way your body feels

So i recently realised how feelings influence so much the way you see the world around you.

Idk how to elaborate it but i want to tell an experience i had.

So when i was younger for some reason i was afraid or idk to shop. Exactly, i was anxious about shopping in supermarkets. I don’t really know why?

Maybe because i thought people are staring at me and judging me, or maybe because i was low on money?!

So i found a picture where my friend showed me she bought a cup of noodles, and i remember i really wanted to try but for some reason i never searched for it, and even the few times i went with my mom at shopping and found something i wanted i would just leave it.

So now thinking about it it sounds so pathetic but back then it was such a blockage for me to do the most basic things.

Right now i can spend hours in supermarkets, its the lamest thing ever, so why did i put that experience on a pedestal??

Another thing i used to put on pedestal when i was younger was a white pencil. I really really wanted a white pencil and i thought it was such an amazing thing, and when i bought my first one i was so happy, but then i coul afford to buy more so got a lot feon different brands to test them out and even now i have them, maybe for like 8 years?? They are around the house but i don’t care about them, they are lame, but i used to think omg such an amazing thing.

So my conclusion is that we tend to put such insignificant things on pedestal and think we can’t approach them when in real life they are lame af. But still i don’t have any wise advice to give tbh. I still want insignificant things, and i still think im not worthy having them when in reality they are probably very approachable, how to stop this?

So for example, i really want to be tall, like 5’7, can i really do this? probably? do i know how to? maybe idk? is there anything that’s stopping me? most certainly.

So because this is my vent blog anyways, i will talk nonsense.

1. I want to be tall because i want to or because others judge me cus im short?

I will enumerate some moments people judged my height.

1. My mom

so my mom always tells me i would be more beautiful if i was taller

when i was younger she would tell me to work out to grow taller

she pushed me to do a lot of things to grow taller

she always judge other short women calling them names so maybe i feel she thinks the same about me

do i want to be tall just to make my mom happy? i want this for her? i want to look a certain way so that she would stop judging me just for existing?? why does she wants this? shy can’t she love me just for who i am, if i was even more shorter shat would she think about me??

omg i feel like im about to throw tf up right now

i never realised i feel like this

how can i stop this?

am i worth it? probably, but how do i stop hating myself and caring what others think about me

i feel maybe they would never like me even if i was 7’1 so then what’s wrong with me? do i want to grow just to ignore them after and prove something? but i don’t heve to prove anything to anyone, am i right?

the only person i should care about it’s me

so is height really that important?

but i don’t know how to care about myself anymore?? what do i do?? skincare??

i’m so confused

i really want to fit in the society beauty standard so bad, i want people to accept me amd love and admire me

but why??? why do i care so much??

if i would have loved myself then would i care anymore about what others think?? idk how to live myself

i don’t think i have to do anything to love myself, i should do it just because i exist, but why do i feel so weird then

why do i want to prove something when i shouldn’t

2. my dad

i feel like i care about his male gaze

not in a weird way, but in a “i think my child it’s ugly way”

idk if you know that movie when a girl turns into a pig, like, her nose is pig like

and at some point her dad told her mom that

“we have to admit, we have an ugly daughter “

that line, that scene, why is that in my mind? why did it stuck from the moment hear it??!

it passed more than a decade but that line is my roman empire

why do i care about this so much

now that i write this, i never realised how much i cared about my parents opinion about my outside appearance but i do

i do a lot until it eats me alive

one time i was sitting at the dinner table and so my dad stared at me and then smirked

so my mom asked him why

and he giggled and said “look how much X looks like her grandfather”

my grandfather who is first of all a man, second of all a big, crooked, septum deviated, nosed man

i remember that moment so vividly, i wanted to disappear in that moment so nobody could ever see my face ever again

never

i don’t hate the way my grandfather looks, but i am aware of how he’s seen by the society

and i am aware that remark wasn’t something nice but something to point out ugly features

one time when was really into selfcare

and i really wanted to drink a gallon of water a day for health and also clear skin

my father overheard my discussion and he intervened saying that “where could that much water go through your body? for you maybe one cup of water a day”

and for me, that didn’t seem funny

that shattered me, i hate it, i hate so much being perceived

i hate so much being made fun of

i don’t want to look the way i look anymore

i hate me, i hate the way i look

why am i like this, why am i so weak? so skinny?? and some of you will sat it’s something good but it’s not, as a grown up woman i look like a little boy, i feel less of a woman

i feel im not worthy, i feel like i deserve absolutely nothing and i don’t understand why was i born and why am i still alive to suffer

i do i care a lot about shat people say about me

because in our society it matters a lot how people perceive you

i wish i didnt care but i do

i wish i was different but im not

i wish i could look like the beauty standards

i wish i could make my parents happy

i wish i could prove something

i wish i was loved and appreciated

i wish i wouldn’t have to hate myself so much

i wish i could just live in silence and be happy and eat and wash my body and sleep and play and do things i like and love myself

i wish i could just love the way i looked

everything about me

even my big crooked nose

i wish i could truly love it but it bought me so much pain

so much pain

for just existing and not bothering anyone it attracted so much pain

why do i have to look a certain way to not be bullied???!!!

why do we all have to look the same

after some pattern

i think i should stop caring about others

even my mom or dad but it’s kind of hard

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bluexiao · 4 years ago

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When they walk-in on you changing your clothes

CHARACTERS: albedo, childe, diluc, kaeya, kazuha, scaramouche, venti, xiao, zhongli

WARNING: mostly with light to mid suggestive themes

NOTES: so to change the pace i’m doing multi-character for a bit. this is quite short tho bc i’m trying to enjoy my short class suspension haha. also, if you guys want to chat up about characters, lores, skills & stuff just feel free to send an ask! i’m quite talkative so don’t feel shy~

ALBEDO would be fascinated, I tell you. He’s an alchemist and an artist of course he’s the type to get curious and also allured at the sight of beauty in front of him. You’d probably even catch him staring because he opts to stand there at the doorway, mesmerized. And when you scold him for a bit, he’d just smile and say “I apologize, although you’re so beautiful I can’t help but admire a lovely sight.” the sly lil-

CHILDE is shameless. He’d literally let his eyes roam around before making his presence known, knocking on the door while placing a hand over his eyes, pretending like he didn’t see anything right after coming into the room. “Childe?” “Hey you shouldn’t have your doors unlocked when you’re changing clothes. Who knows who will suddenly come and enter? Good thing it’s just me.”

DILUC is the respectable man who immediately turns his back but his face is probably the same shade of his hair. If you caught up with the situation and tease him with a “Oh Diluc I didn’t know you’re here,” he’d probably freeze up because damn you just caught him. Even if he didn’t actually see anything he feels really guilty uhm why is he even embarrassed he probably saw everything already

KAEYA has no shame part 2. Even has the audacity to say “Oh? Right here, right now, babe?” but when you scold him, he’d laugh it off with “Just kidding, just kidding.” before casually walking out, leaving you flustered and embarrassed. He’d probably tease the situation to you for the rest of the day—if he’s feeling it, maybe even for a week.

KAZUHA is the first one who looks away but can still see you in his peripheral vision. Although, he does squeak a tiny “Oomph-sorry” that alerts you of his arrival. “Kazuha? Do you need something?” “Ah, it’s nothing—not that important. I just wanted to… visit you but—I can just come back if you want.” Probably the most flustered out of everyone else except xiao. Even if he tries to compose himself or he may not seem that flustered, his heart is beating so loud that he may just burst out the door without waiting for your response.

SCARAMOUCHE stops in his tracks and—wait, the right word is “freezes” on the spot. That’s only for awhile, maybe a few seconds. You wouldn’t even realize that he was there until he grunted and you could hear his footsteps closing in. As you try to cover yourself in surprise, he’d lean into your ear from behind you and he’d make sure that you’d tingle when his breath touches your skin. When he sees your hair stand, he’d smirk and whisper, “What are you thinking, undressing yourself without making sure you secured the place? Are you perhaps waiting for anyone to enter? Or… are you waiting for me?” don’t feel entitled bruh

VENTI is probably the loudest one. He loudly gasps but he won’t turn around no no no. He’s gonna skip to you and he’s giddier than usual. “Where are you going, Y/n? Can I come, can I come? Hey, hey, I want to come with you!” he’s going to be super clingy the whole day. It's insane.

You wouldn’t even realize XIAO stepped in the room lmao. You’d just notice that he was avoiding you the whole day and if you tried to talk to him his eyes would literally look anywhere other than you. You’d have to ask him what’s wrong before he does tell it to you. Well, you’re lucky if he’s honest but he might not even say it to you until you find out about it next week or even next month.

ZHONGLI looks away and clears his throat. But then he’d realize that maybe he should turn around so he does. “Forgive me, I didn’t know you were changing your clothes. I’d come back later if you want to.” but of course if you refuse he’ll stay:)

#genshin x reader #zhongli x reader #xiao x reader #childe x reader #albedo x reader #venti x reader #kazuha x reader #scaramouche x reader #genshin drabbles #genshin oneshots #zhongli headcanons #kaeya x reader #diluc x reader #zhongli x you

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murdockparker · 2 years ago

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Foolish Endeavor - Part 5

Benedict Bridgerton x Reader

Summary: She felt truly terrible, letting him leave her home so suddenly. How was she to know his true intentions? She’d have to make it right, that is, if she was bold enough to face him.

Word Count: 6k

Warnings: slight angst, mentions of menstruating, fluff, smoking (don’t do it!!), slightly suggestive if you really really squint, mixed canon as always

A/N: AHHH okay so, this one was tricky to write. I couldn’t really find my footing with this part all that well, but it’s an important chapter nonetheless, so we shall truck on and hope for the best! (i do still really like this one tho, so...)

first part - previous part - next part

She didn’t eat much of her breakfast, even as enticing as the cooks had made the omelet look, she simply couldn’t take a bite. Her stomach felt as if it were in knots, unable to hold anything she could even think about digesting that day. Even her favorite tea did little to soothe her aching stomach, she could hardly drink more than a cup when prompted by her mother.

Lady Kent had thought nothing of it, she noted that this was usually the week for her daughter’s cycles—at least, she thought it was—so her behavior seemed rather normal. No appetite, upset stomach, pain in the abdomen, it all checked out. For that very reason, Lady Kent allowed her to spend the day in bed, taking on the ball preparations herself for the afternoon. She just hoped that her daughter would feel well enough tomorrow to aid in the planning, seeing as the event was for her, after all.

But she wasn’t on her cycles, no, that had been last week. Though, it seemed like a good excuse as any to hole herself in her room to think about the events of the morning. Every time she thought of Benedict’s face—how pained it had looked—her stomach ached again.

“Ugh,” she groaned, flipping on her side. It was impossible to get comfortable. “What happened?”

She had been asking herself that very question all afternoon. It was hard to wrap her head around the entire situation. Her friend, dearest and best friend, had brought her flowers in the early morning hours, dressed rather formally and called upon her before she could even get out of her bed. He hadn’t called upon her since she debuted, she would’ve remembered if he had. Why, all of the sudden, would Benedict Bridgerton wish to bring her flowers now? If his intentions were to court her—and she very well came to the conclusion that he was trying to do such—why hadn’t he done so the year of her debut? Surely if he were interested in her in that sort of capacity, it couldn’t have been a sudden thing… could it? It wasn’t like she had the option to ask him about it now, though. She had hurt him. Even unintentionally, she knew that somehow she had taken a dagger and drove it directly through his heart—twisting it with the denial and apparent objection she might have conveyed. If he had hurt her in that way, she wouldn’t want to see him either.

Though, she hadn’t felt this guilt with any of her other suitors that she had rejected. No, she hadn’t outright rejected Benedict, she reminded herself, but she also didn’t give any indication that she could maybe—possibly—be interested in a courtship with him. Was it because he was her friend? Anthony and Colin were also her friends, but if they were to show an interest in courting her, she wouldn’t feel nearly as guilty of turning them down, why, she’d probably laugh directly in their faces. She saw them as brothers, the closest thing she had to brothers anyway. But Benedict? Benedict was the tricky sort.

She never saw Benedict as a brother. Though he was a few years her senior, his intentions and actions never felt as brotherly as say, Anthony’s, did. She merely saw Benedict as a friend, a good friend, even. Why was she reassuring herself with the notion that he was nothing more than her friend? It was that simple, right? They were friends.

“Could it be of convenience?” (Y/N) asked no one but herself. “Solve my strife of finding a husband that fits the specific needs of my family, him to have a wife that he wouldn’t be bored of? That’s all marriage is, isn’t it? Just a friendship?”

Her cheeks warmed at the lingering thought of the other marital duties that came with the territory. She didn’t know of the specifics, but with what she had bribed her maid to tell her the last social season, it was rather an intimate affair in the marriage bed. She tried not to dwell on it too terribly hard, it had given her an awfully strange feeling in the base of her stomach. It wasn’t entirely off-putting.

“Friendship and,” she took a quick breath, “that.”

She ran her hands through her hair, fingernails scratching at her scalp in practiced, circular motions. (Y/N) simply couldn’t recall the last time she had gotten so worked up about anything, so completely and utterly in her head that it physically pained her to think about anything. Surely she needed to talk to Benedict, right? She didn’t think she could even look him in the eyes without the guilt crashing over her like a tsunami.

It would be a rather restless night at Kent House, it seemed.

—

“She didn’t appreciate the flowers?”

Benedict shot his younger brother, Colin, a rather trying look. He had confined himself to his bedchambers to throw himself into an artistic frenzy in hopes to get his mind off of… whatever happened that morning at Kent House. Colin, being ever predictable, followed Benedict—well, he followed the staff member who had been holding a rather large tray of sandwiches and the like—but it had led to his brother’s bedchambers all the same.

“I’m not sure why she wouldn’t like the flowers, you yourself said that Daphne nearly sent a manifesto on the different blooms she recommended,” Colin took a bite of the sandwich in his hand, “from what El said she saw this morning, it had to have been rather grand.”

“It was not the flowers, Colin,” Benedict grumbled, his eyes not leaving his easel. “She simply is not interested.”

“Well,” Colin swallowed, “did you ask her?”

Benedict’s brush stopped.

“You mean to tell me,” Colin stood up from the cushy green chair, “that you went over to her home, to make a grand attempt at portraying your intent, but neglected to ask if she felt even a little of the same way?”

“I—” Benedict cut himself off. He had no valid argument, and Colin knew it.

“From what I can imagine,” Colin moved to grab a rather shiny red apple from the bowl in the center of the room, “you probably got flustered.” He took a bite, the crunch reverberated throughout the room. “Probably stormed out before the poor girl could wrap her head around your declaration of love.”

“It wasn’t a declaration of—Colin! I was painting those!” Benedict gestured wildly at the wooden bowl.

Colin waved his hand in dismissal. “You’ve seen an apple before,” he took another bite, “they’re shiny and usually red, paint from memory.”

Benedict’s eyes narrowed before focusing back on the painting before him. Unbeknownst to Colin, he had already finished most the apple on the canvas, anyway. The bowl was a boring subject, he had to admit, but dedicating the time and effort into the varying colors and shapes of the fruit was better than say, a landscape or a portrait. He was through with portraits, Benedict knew better than anyone that he’d wind up doing one of her if he found his mind wandering in any capacity. “Did you not eat dinner, Brother? You seem to have swallowed half of the food I called for.”

“You know us Bridgerton boys,” Colin patted his stomach, “always growing.”

“At least I grew upwards,” Benedict cracked a smile, “you, dear brother, will be growing outwards.”

“You’re deflecting the nature of our conversation, Benedict,” Colin waved his finger. “We were talking about Lady (Y/N).”

“No, no,” Benedict tapped his brush on his pallet, “you were talking about Lady (Y/N), I was painting. It is not my fault you followed me to my bedchambers, which, for complete transparency, I did not wish for you to join me.”

“You looked like you needed someone to talk to,” Colin shrugged, falling back onto the chair. “Lord knows you were in a rather sour mood when you arrived back home this morning and stormed away.”

Benedict’s hands fell to his lap, exasperated by his brother’s pestering. It was clear that his brother simply would not let any of this go—at least, until Colin was satisfied. He sighed. “I wouldn’t say I stormed off.”

“No?” Colin’s brow raised.

“No. I also did not declare my love for her,” Benedict said rather pointed. “It would be hard to declare something that I did not know to be certain.”

“Well, now you’re just being foolish.”

It was Benedict’s turn to raise his brow.

“Regardless of what you said to her,” Colin kicked his legs, now hanging off the armrest, “it seems to me that you didn’t listen to what she had to say, did you?”

“Colin, she practically rejected my gift—”

“Did she throw them back at you?”

Benedict sighed. “No.”

“So she didn’t reject the flowers,” Colin smirked. “And she didn’t say that she wasn’t interested in a courtship because you simply did not ask, is that correct?” Benedict slowly nodded. “Well, then the answer is simple.”

“It is?”

“You must try again.”

Colin looked rather determined for a gentleman with no experience in the courtship of ladies, but Benedict did suppose he had a point. He truly hadn’t stayed to listen to (Y/N), his ego was a bit too bruised in the moment to even fathom what she could’ve said. It seemed obvious of what she was going to say, but perhaps she would have said something else entirely? Benedict couldn’t be sure. Maybe, just maybe, she would’ve been receptive to the idea? He did go into the morning with that notion, he should’ve stuck with it.

“She must think I’m a right fool.”

“Probably.”

Colin was hit with a rogue peach, square in the jaw.

“I know that I must have deserved that,” Colin said, rubbing his face. A bit of juice was dribbling down his cheek. “But you know that I’m correct, Benedict.”

“I just, don’t know when to see her next. I’m not quite sure I want so see her so soon after the heavy blow,” Benedict said, flopping over to his bed. His eyes danced across the ornate ceiling, the sculpted shapes were a comfort to him.

“Aren’t they holding a ball this week? Mother was talking about it at dinner tonight—not that you would know, anyhow,” Colin said, finally satisfied that his face was no longer sticky.

Benedict sat straight up. “Yes. They are holding a ball this week,” his face twisted into almost a snarl, “Lady Kent has been planning like mad the last few days, if their drawing room is to say anything otherwise.”

“I assume that the invitation extended to the entire Bridgerton clan,” Colin sighed. “Unless, of course, they neglect to invite you because you broke their daughter’s heart.”

“I haven’t broken—of course I’m invited, Colin,” Benedict turned to his brother. “Especially after the flowers I brought? Lady Kent would never turn me away.”

“Because the flowers were a gift for the countess, no?”

Benedict wished that he could reach the bowl again.

He had no plan to seek (Y/N) out at the Kent Ball. If it were to happen, it would happen. Truly, he needed to buck up the courage to find her, if he could. If not, at least he would pretend to have a joyous time dancing and mingling, perhaps drowning himself in the finest scotch or brandy Lord Kent could offer. Yes. It was a great plan, indeed.

—

Dearest Reader,

Lady Kent, wife of the esteemed Earl of Kent, is to be hosting what the rest of the ton is calling the event of the season. A ball at Kent House on the eve of the coming Friday, surely everyone who is anyone will be attending. Of course, this is only true if you had received an invitation to said event, leaving all of those neglected by the countess begging for the inside look. Rest assured that this author had received an invite and will be keeping a watchful eye on the comings and goings of all attendees, so for those unfortunate readers not in attendance, rest assured that the gossip will not be left on deaf ears. Await Monday’s publication for the truth of the ball and all that transpires.

Yours Truly,

Lady Whistledown

—

Kent House looked lovely, glittering in silvers and blues. Lady Kent had chosen a simple ‘starry night’ theme for the eve’s gathering—the black event her daughter jested about was simply too dark for the purpose of the whole affair. The guests were all adorned in silvers and cool tones, ladies practically dripping in diamonds and jewels, men wearing complimentary jackets. If Lady Whistledown was to be correct—and she nearly always is—this truly will be the event of the season.

(Y/N) couldn’t have been more miserable. After nearly five dances with various suitors, she simply had enough. Lord White’s son had her head in a tizzy from spinning her one too many times, she nearly got sick on the dance floor. Sir O’Riley’s son had rather terrible breath, if the spinning from before hadn’t made her sick, the stench alone surely would. (Y/N) knew she had to escape, to get away from another dance that would surely end with strife. She glanced at her dance card.

“Mr. Sinclair shouldn’t mind if I take a stroll,” (Y/N) mumbled as she pushed through the large double doors out to the family garden. “I suppose if he did,” she grinned lightly, “I would not care regardless.”

The evening air felt nice against her skin, while it had already been May and the weather was warming up, the nights still did have the chance of a chill. Tonight, however, was nearly perfect in terms of temperature. The sky was nearly clear, a few stray clouds dotting the night sky, but the stars were so bright it almost did not matter. She walked along the rose bushes, enjoying the light scent as she strolled by. Roses were some of her mother’s favorite, it was only natural that she would have them in their garden. Much to her surprise, no one else was out in the garden, which please (Y/N) endlessly. She assumed everyone was too drunk on wine and deserts to care about the beautiful night around them. It was a perfect night to be alone with her thoughts, with the breeze by her side.

It had been only a few days since Benedict Bridgeton had called upon her, for reasons that were unknown at the time. (Y/N) had come to the conclusion that she was rather dim to Benedict’s intentions—or, perhaps, she is currently wrong about the entire situation and she is overthinking the early morning argument entirely. The last few days have been filled with misery, helping her mother plan tonights soiree and trying to wrap her head around a one Benedict Bridgerton.

Deeper into the garden, practically hidden from view, was a small white gazebo, perfect for a respite. The gazebo was (Y/N)’s favorite part of her family’s garden, many a time in her youth would she—along with a few of the Bridgertons—transform the simple white building into the likes of a pirate ship, a make-shift storefront or even a castle grander than Buckingham Palace. She was quite looking forward to being alone with her happy memories and the gentle breeze.

But she wasn’t alone.

Leaning against the railing of the gazebo was exactly the man she had been trying to avoid. Benedict. In some cosmic coincidence, the two had found their way to one another out of the entirety of the ball. Granted, (Y/N) hadn’t been actively avoiding him, but she was near-sure that Benedict wasn’t too keen on seeing her. He was smoking something, puffs escaping his lips like rhythmic clockwork.

Should she say something? Should she leave him be? What was she to do in this situation? All of the thoughts she held in the last few days raced through her mind in one go, confusing her and shrouding her senses. Before she knew it, she opened her mouth.

“You know,” she cautiously took a few steps towards the white building, “I hear those can be rather terrible for you.”

Benedict nearly spun off the railing at the sound of (Y/N)’s voice. If it weren’t for the cigar in his mouth, his jaw surely would’ve been slack. He clawed the cigar from his lips, coughing wildly—he had taken a rogue inhale amidst his surprise.

“Are you alright?”

Benedict coughed again, nodding quickly to ease her worries. He patted his chest a few times, taking in a deep breath of fresh air. “I’ve,” another cough, “been better.”

(Y/N) took by his side, now leaning against the railing with him. Her silk gloves slid against the painted wood of the gazebo, causing her to lose her balance for a spell. She regained her footing rather easily. “I simply don’t see the appeal,” she shrugged, trying to act as casual as possible, “smoking, that is. If it causes you that much pain—”

“Normally,” Benedict turned his head towards her. “It shouldn’t cause that amount of pain, any pain, really. You,” he pointed the cigar towards her, “snuck up on me.”

She smiled softly. “I would hardly say I snuck up on you. It is my home after all, I do think I can go where I please.”

He held back a grin. He did not want to give her the benefit of seeing his smile, after all, wasn’t he still cross with her? “Yes, considering this is a ball for you, however,” Benedict took a quick drag of the cigar, “one would think that you would be inside, dancing with suitors and the like, would you not?”

“I have been dancing,” (Y/N) groaned, head tilted towards the stars. “I have done nothing but dance. I came out here for a respite. I can imagine,” she glanced at the cigar between his fingers, “you were doing the same?”

Benedict merely nodded, electing to take another puff of the cigar.

“I did not think you smoked?”

“I don’t.”

More silence. The words left unsaid lingered around the two. Neither one knew what to say, if they were to say anything at all. Was (Y/N) in the right to speak first? Bring it up? Was there anything to bring up? Or must the two go on to pretend as if nothing had ever happened?

“Anthony,” he sighed, giving into the silent night and his better judgement, “he had brought a few of these for this eve. I think he was on the precipice of proposing to Miss Sharma. Wanted to celebrate, perhaps, if he were to go through with it this evening.”

“Proposing—oh!” she gasped, hand cupping her mouth. “He’s proposing so soon? I thought their courtship had just begun?”

“Tonight, I think was when he was going to propose,” he waved the cigar, “that’s why he brought a few of these. Only the finest for the viscount.”

She merely nodded along. Couldn’t think of anything of use to add to the conversation, the air rather thick and lingering. It was awkward, and she knew it. They stood there, for a moment, silent as the dead and gazed at nothing in particular. She held out her hand hesitantly, taking a deep breath. “May I?”

Benedict’s eyes nearly shot out of his skull. “May you…?” Was she asking to smoke? Share a cigar with him? Surely she’s never tried one before.

“I’ve never tried one before,” she helplessly mumbled. Well. That confirmed his suspicions. “Father, he… he really enjoys smoking—usually at the gentleman’s club and what have you—but I’ve always wondered why he did it,” she shrugged, “perhaps there is something I’m missing out on?”

“I assure you,” Benedict shook his head, “you are not missing out on a thing, Lady (Y/N).”

Her formal name hit her like ice water, freezing her senses entirely. “But,” she swallowed, “you yourself said that this is only the finest.”

“That it is.”

“If you do not wish to share, you can just say so, Benedict.”

“Ladies do not smoke,” he quipped.

“Ladies do not, or should not?” She bit back.

He paused, as if contemplating his options. As if he had nothing to lose, he lowered his arm to meet hers, suddenly met with the silk texture adorning her hands. “Take off your glove.”

“W-what?”

“You really want to give it a go?” Benedict asked. She nodded hesitantly. “Take off your glove.”

“I really don’t think that is necessary—”

“Fine,” Benedict pulled the cigar between his teeth. He mumbled something else, but it was almost indistinguishable with the cigar right in his mouth. (Y/N) could only assume it was something he wouldn’t want to repeat, anyway.

After a moment of thought, she reluctantly pulled her glove off her left hand, the long white silk flowing off easily. For good measure, she took the right one off, too. “There,” she practically threw the gloves and her dance card onto the banister, “they’re off.”

Benedict tried not to laugh at the sight of (Y/N) standing beside him, arms crossed and brows drawn. She was confused, vexed, even. He knew she was practically itching to ask the reasoning behind the insistence on the gloves, it was dancing on the tip of her tongue. He could tell her that the ash could fall and dirty the pure brilliance of the white, which was his entire reasoning, or, he could make something else up entirely, just to agitate her.

“Well?” (Y/N) pulled her arms closer to her chest in protest.

“Not used to waiting for anything, are you?” Benedict teased. He decided against sharing his reasoning altogether.

“Benedict—”

He let out a boisterous laugh. Lord, was he having fun getting a rise out of her. “Alright, alright,” he turned to her, “hold out your hand.”

So, she held her hand out, flat and towards the sky.

“No, not like—” Benedict bit his lip, “here.” With his free hand, he grabbed her wrist lightly. The touch nearly sent a jolt up his spine, he had taken his gloves off earlier for the same reason he persisted she did the same. With the way she jumped, it was likely the skin-to-skin contact had a similar reaction in her as well. “Like holding a quill… mostly.”

“I—” she sucked in a quick breath, “I know that.”

She didn’t.

Benedict gently placed the cigar in between her fingers, already grasping it with a bit too much force than necessary. She held it, stiff as a board, glancing up at him with a ‘I-didn’t-think-you’d-actually-let-me-do-this’ sort of look, lost with what to do next.

“Christ,” he laughed again, “do I need to push it to your lips, too?”

Quickly shaking her head—to hide her surely heated face—she cautiously brought the cigar to her mouth. The same cigar that was in Benedict’s mouth. His lips were curled right around where she was to place hers—she was overthinking this, it is not as if it was the same as a kiss, right? It was already improper for her to even think of smoking a cigar, let alone share it with an unwed young man—unchaperoned to boot.

So, she did the reasonable thing—push it to her lips quickly to get it over with, the faster it was over, the less she’d have to think about the implications the action brought on. She gave it a rather strong inhale, her cheeks hollowing.

“Relax, you do not have to—”

(Y/N) shook her head, removing the cigar from her lips. The smoke felt… odd. The billowing smoke filled her lungs—actually filled, it felt almost like lead—she wanted nothing more than to release it. Her eyes darted to Benedict as if he was to give her any guidance, to coach her through the motions.

“My God, woman,” Benedict patted her hand, “let it out!”

She didn’t need to be told twice.

Benedict was almost in shock. (Y/N)—a woman who had never smoked a day in her life, managed to inhale that much on the first go and not completely lose herself to a coughing fit. Benedict recalls his first go at a cigar, it was away at school, he was nearly on the ground writhing for clean air and—

There it was. The coughing.

(Y/N) grabbed Benedict's hand, pushing the cigar back into his grasp as she herself was gasping for air. Her fist pounded on her chest, as if that would help her regain any precious oxygen, tears were dotting her eyes. Benedict quickly put out the cigar, stomping it beneath his shoe. He wasn’t in the mood to finish it anyway, and judging by (Y/N)’s violent reaction, she wasn’t going to be keen to that idea, either.

“It’s alright,” Benedict placed both of his hands on her shoulders, “breathe.”

“That’s what,” cough. “Trying,” another cough, “good lord, I was right, this is painful.”

“It is not supposed to be, as I mentioned before,” Benedict smiled gently, head tilting to the side ever-so-slightly. He noted her eyes—they were glossy and wet—the coughing brought upon tears to the corners. They sparkled in the candlelight, he would compare them to diamonds if he could, rivaling anything his mother had in her rather formidable jewel collection. With a gentle touch and slow reach, he brushed his finger to her face, wiping a stray tear away—it had come dangerously close to rolling down her cheek.

“O-of course not,” she shook her head, his hand not leaving her cheek. “You know,” (Y/N) nearly gulped, “I don’t see the appeal of this—”

Benedict began to pry his hand away.

“Smoking!” she quickly added. He kept his hand were it was. “S-smoking—the appeal,” she shrugged helplessly, “I wasn’t—couldn’t be talking about this…”

She continued to bather on, trying to fill the empty space with sound. It was a bad habit, (Y/N) knew, but with how close Benedict was standing, his hand caressing her cheek—how he practically held her face—why, she almost thought that he was going to—

“…kiss you?”

Well. That was one way to get her attention.

“I-I’m sorry? I must’ve misheard—”

“Can I kiss you?” his voice was sure, so steady and strong. She couldn’t have misheard him this time, not even if she tried.

Her eyes flickered back and forth between his own, trying to find that jesting twinkle she knew oh-so-well. Surely he had to be joking, right? With the way he was looking at her, how his eyes were burning into her, he couldn’t possibly have been joking, not in the slightest.

She couldn’t speak. If she wanted to say yes, it wouldn’t pass her lips, if she wanted to say no, she couldn’t make a sound. (Y/N) didn’t know what she wanted in that moment, standing alone in her family gazebo, alone with Benedict, one of her oldest and closest friends. She could kiss him, allow the pleasure of the night take over, enjoy her first kiss with a close friend. If she were to tell anyone that she hadn’t thought about kissing Benedict Bridgerton ever in her waking days, she would be a downright and terrible liar. She assumed his lips would be soft, despite how often he would bite them, that he would be gentle and slow. (Y/N) only hoped that he would kiss like the heroes in her stories kissed their leading ladies, with passion and vigor—full of life and love.

Love. Oh dear, did she love Benedict? To love another the way that she only read about—seldom seen in the ton—was something that she never imagined for herself. There was only one way to find out, truly, but she’d have to make up her mind.

In the end, she didn’t have to decide, Benedict took the choice away from her, pushing her face up closer to his, finally pressing his lips against her own, gently and softly all the same. As cross as she should’ve been about his disregard for her answer, (Y/N) tried terribly hard to keep her eyes open, almost to prove to herself that this was really happening, but they fluttered shut the moment Benedict began to move his lips.

She had seen fireworks once before, at a gala the Queen herself had held a year or two ago. They were bright and colorful, dancing across the night sky in a flurry of sparks. It was the closest thing to magic (Y/N) had ever seen. This kiss—her first—felt exactly like seeing the fireworks, breathless, in awe and completely blown away. She was concerned that her breath smelled like smoke, that her mouth would taste as garishly and as nasty as the cigar had, but with the way Benedict was near-attacking her lips, it seemed that he did not care, not in the slightest.

It was when Benedict pulled away that she realized her arms had come up and connected behind his neck. She had pulled into the feeling, pulling him closer in their embrace. Everything about what had just happened felt so right, that was the only word she could find in her extensive vocabulary to describe the moments that had just transpired. It was nothing like her stories, no, it was so much better than any text could’ve described.

His head tilted down, forehead gently touching hers, eyes searching in her own to find the answer he was looking for—an unspoken question that lingered in the air. Whatever strife or worries he had from earlier that week, leaving her home with his heart in his hands, practically melted away. It was not as if he just kissed her—she kissed him back, after all. Albeit, as much as she could, it was her first kiss after all.

It was her first kiss.

He was her first kiss.

Benedict couldn’t stop the smile from spreading to his lips.

“Benedict,” her voice was barely above a whisper. His thumbs ran circles on her shoulders, practically kneading her worries away. “I thought that you were cross with me—”

He just about attacked her face again, shutting her up entirely. While it wasn’t the most graceful of strategies, it worked wonders. He started out the evening angry with her—angry at the entire situation—but since she snuck up on him at the gazebo, everything melted away, as he knew it would. The kiss undoubtedly helped with that, it was hard to be continuously angry with the woman who was quite literally taking your breath away. He could never be angry with (Y/N), not for forever, it would be cruel to himself to allow such matters occur.

Benedict had kissed other women before—he wasn’t a green sixteen anymore—but kissing her was something entirely new, entirely welcoming. He imagined that how he felt while kissing her was exactly what kissing ought to feel like, how it was meant to feel. Overwhelming and warm, the need practically bursting from his lips to hers. Lord did he need her, need to feel her. He wanted her.

When his tongue slipped past her lips, he felt her jump in surprise, melting into the action all the same. Their embrace grew heavier with each tick of the clock, the want growing with every haggard breath they took. If anyone were to see them—catch them in such a compromising situation—they’d have to marry. Why, Lord Kent would practically pull Benedict by the ear into the nearest chapel if he knew how Benedict was defiling his daughter. He would be expected to marry her, seeing as he is the man who would’ve ruined her reputation.

The idea only spurred him to kiss her harder.

It wasn’t until they heard laughter coming from just behind the hedges surrounding the gazebo that they stopped. (Y/N)’s lips were pink and swollen, her stature completely and utterly breathless. A ringlet came unpinned from her hair, dangling right in front of her ear. She was truly a sight.

“Why did you—”

“Trust that I do not want to stop,” Benedict said, his voice strong and unwavering. “But if anyone were to see us—see you like this…”

(Y/N) nodded mutely. She knew exactly what could come of such a scandal, Lady Whistledown being the least of her troubles, right behind what her mother and father would have to say of the whole affair.

“I’m sorry, that was…” he ran a hand through his hair, “not the most gentlemanly thing I could’ve done.”

“But you still did.”

“But I still did,” Benedict repeated. “I’ve wanted to do that since your debut, pull you aside, kiss you like you deserve—”

“Why haven’t you?” (Y/N) asked, her eyes flitting between his.

“For one, kissing a woman I am not married to in the middle of a ballroom seems rather improper,” Benedict grinned. “A better reason would be simply I did not know if you had felt the same way…” he looked at his shoes, “I would now like to think you do, if I may be so bold in assuming such.”

(Y/N)’s lips curled into a small smile. “I think I do. If I did not before this evening, I surely do now,” her hands found his, grabbing them lightly. “You are rather good at that.”

“I’m rather good at a lot of things,” Benedict grinned devilishly, noting the way her cheeks flared at the insinuation. If he could, he’d pull her away from the ball and show her exactly how much he cared for her, but he’d have to show some sort of restraint tonight. As hard as he—it—was, he must allow whatever this was between them, now that the environment had changed so drastically, he had to let it happen naturally. Benedict simply couldn’t take her before she became his wife, even as badly as he wanted to.

His wife.

It was in that moment that Benedict Bridgerton knew for certain that he wanted to marry her, marry Lady (Y/N) (Y/L/N).

“I suppose,” Benedict cleared his throat, “you should get back to your ball, dance with all of those suitors your father had invited.”

“Why would I do that?”

“Your mother—she planned this all for you and—”

“No, you misunderstand,” (Y/N) giggled, “why would I go and dance with more suitors? Are you not to come calling tomorrow?”

Benedict was speechless.

“After kissing me like that, I’d expect at the very least a dance with you, Mr. Bridgerton,” she smiled, pulling her silk gloves back on. “It is not as if I would care to dance with anyone else, anyhow.”

“I—you wish for me to come and call upon you?”

“I do,” she hummed. “I was a fool to not note your intentions before, and for that I am truly sorry, but I do think I’d be quite moronic to not notice them after all of,” she waved her hand wildly, “that.”

“You could never be a fool,” Benedict admitted, “I should’ve been more clear with—”

“The point,” (Y/N) pressed a finger to his lips, “I am trying to make, is that whatever the case may be, I am receptive to the idea now.”

Benedict couldn’t help but grin, feeling lighter than air. She would have to return to her ball, that was indeed known and expected of her. She’d dance the night away with various men and suitors wishing for her hand, but only one man she asked to come calling in the morning, calling to court her. She’d undoubtedly have a few other suitors show, her charms swaying them in that direction, but she’d really only entertain the notion of seeing just the one. “I suppose,” he chuckled, pressing a kiss to her palm, “I have a question for you, then.”

“And whatever could that question be, Mr. Bridgerton?”

“What flowers do you favor?”

TAGLIST

@nikkisilas, @cavghtbythewind, @chaotic-onigiri, @440mxs-wife , @mymyma , @perdynerd , @wotcherboo

#benedict bridgerton x reader #benedict bridgerton #bridgerton x reader #reader insert #bridgerton #ah okay so listen #i'm sorry and you're welcome #that's it #I still really really like it though!!!#hope you do too <3 #it's the longest chapter yet i think??#so that's cool

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masn-mount · 3 years ago

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Hi , can you write something with mason taking care of his pregnant wife ,I really loved what you wrote , hope you can do that 🥰

thank you for your request anon, I really hope you enjoy it. xx

warnings: mention of pregnancy, body image, so fluffy you might die

words: 1,8k

Mason isn’t going to lie, usually he would come up with just about any excuse just so he wouldn’t have to leave the sofa while he was watching a game of football. That had changed a few months ago after he had got the news that you were carrying his child. Ever since finding out the news he would be up and running to you at the smallest noise you made, you would laugh at him when he would come down all flusted because you had dropped a fork while trying to put it away in the dishwashing machine.

The sound of the key inside of the lock is the reason why he’s standing by the hallway, leaning against the wall, football game long forgotten as he watched you get inside.

You still have your back turned to him as you move to take your coat off. You had only been out for two hours but as he looked at you, he couldn’t help but think about how much he had missed you. He didn’t enjoy being in your shared home by himself.

When you had told him that you were no longer going to be watching his games from the stands as just one, he had been very confused. Telling you that, "of course he'd get any of your friends who wanted to join tickets", you had just shook your head and with shaking hands, glossy eyes and a beaming smile handed him a box. A box hiding a pregnancy test and a tiny pair of shoes. Making his heart melt and his eyes tear up as realisation hit him.

That was 7 months ago.

Still in his own thoughts he couldn’t help but admire you and the way you looked in the dress you had picked out, deciding on a red one, reaching to your knees after modeling about ten others for him. The dress was hugging your body in the best way possible. Before going out tonight you had given up on wearing anything tight months ago, normally just ending up in a pair of Mason’s joggers and one of his shirts. Most of them having made their way into your part of the closet by now. Mason wasn’t complaining. He had learned to keep the complaining to an absolute minimum after he had one day, three months ago asked you why you hadn’t put the milk in the fridge. To him it was an innocent question and he wasn’t even mad but with a frown on your face you had immediately started crying. Earning him a telling off from his mum.

“If you’re done staring at me, I would really love some help with taking these God damn horrible heels off.” You were just teasing him but he knew he had been caught staring. He had every right to do so, you were his wife. When he stepped forward and stopped in front of you, he couldn’t help but lean forward to kiss the pout on your lips away, making you smile into the kiss.

“You had a good time, my love?” As he unbuckled your heels, he didn’t understand how you had managed to walk in them but you had insisted on wearing them, wanting to feel as good as you possibly could on your first night out with your girlfriends in ages. Normally being pregnant was your excuse to not go out, all your friends understanding but you could never say no to a surprise party. Even if you ended up staying for just two hours at your friends house and leaving before the actual going out started.

”Mmmm, your boy and I missed you tho.” At the mention of the little life inside of you, Mason couldn’t help the big grin that took over his face. Giving your covered bump a kiss after mumbling a soft, “ello’ mate, you been good to mummy tonight?” When he felt a kick almost immediately he laughed, “guess not.” After a few moments he got back up and leaned into you, giving you a kiss on your forehead. “I missed you both too. Loads.”

You both moved to the sofa, the game still playing in the background and you immediately helped yourself to the snacks your husband had set up. Not feeling guilty at all.

You would have felt guilty months ago. You had struggled a lot with feeling beautiful and confident as your body changed but Mason had always been there to tell you how beautiful you were and how you’re always going to be the sexiest woman in the world to him. How growing a child, your child, a mixture of you both was the most beautiful thing you could do. You knew he meant it all, he loved your body before your pregnancy and he loved it during it and you knew he would love it after. During nights in bed when you would talk about your insecurities, he would just focusing on kissing every inch of your body, reminding you that you were the most perfect person he’d ever seen. You never understood how you got quite so lucky with him.

When Mason was sure you were comfortable on the sofa he rushed upstairs to grab you a pair of his joggers and sweater. When he returned back just seconds later, you were sitting back with your hands resting on your bump. “Unzipped it, you just got to take it off now handsome.” Her cheeky tone made his heart flutter.

“Well, I’ve never minded doing that, have I?” One thing he loves abour your relationship was that even after six years together, you would still flirt like the first night you had met.

When he was done helping you take your dress off, inbetween a whole lot of “you’re so fucking gorgeous” and “did I tell you how beautiful you looked tonight? can’t believe you’re carrying my child.” You had to tell him to stop, otherwise you would start crying.

When you got dressed, you both settled on the sofa. Mason opening his arms out for you allowing you to rest on top of him, with how much your bump allowed you to. Hand resting on his chest while one of his hands rested on your bump, feeling his baby’s kicks. Joking that “Mason Jr in there” was most definitely going to become a football player in the future. You would just shake your head, reminding him that no child of yours was going to be named Mason Jr.

“I could barely stay awake at the party. Fell asleep in Amanda’s room.” You laughed as you remembered how you had told your friends you just needed to go to the bathroom but when they came looking for you just a few minutes later, you were fast asleep in the first bed you had seen.

“You should have called me to come and pick you up, silly girl.” He had told you multiple times to call if you needed to leave, deep down knowing you wouldn’t make it past the three hour mark.

Ever since finding out you were pregnant, Mason was very against you ever really leaving his sight, always worrying that something would happen even if you would tell him that you would be fine. When he was playing an away game he would make sure that his mum, sister or one of your friends were okay to stay over and you would never go against it because you knew he wouldn’t be able to relax otherwise.

But he would never tell you to stay home if you wanted to go out and see your friends, that was never the kind of partner he was.

“I knew you would be sitting here watching twenty two men kicking a ball around. Didn’t want to drag you away from your priorities.” You try to hold it in but you can’t help but laugh as you meet his eyes. He’s smiling so big and you can’t help but lean forward so you can steal a kiss.

“Have I told you pregnancy has made you absolutely hilarious?” You let out a snort and he can’t help but attack your entire face with kisses as you giggle. Hearing you laugh being one of his favorite things in the entire world.

You both settle in a comfortable silence while you watch the game but Mason can feel you drifting in and out of sleep, forcing yourself to stay up.

“Wanna go get in bed, baby?“

“No, wanna finish this game. What if Declan scores.” You mumble, eyes closed and he can’t stop himself from snorting.

“I promise you, he won’t.” You slap his chest lightly at his teasing.

“I don’t know why I’m so tired all the time.”

“You’re growing our baby boy in there. That takes a lot of energy.” The way he would always give you an answer to anything you would ask was something you had always adored about Mason. Even if he didn’t have an answer he would simply just make something up, never wanting you to feel ignored by him.

“I hope he looks like you. I hope he has your eyes and smile and nose. And dimples,” you reach out to poke one as he smiles, “I love them.”

“I hope he has your eyes and smile. His beautiful mummy.” You look so at peace resting against him that Mason wishes he could bring the bed downstairs just so you wouldn’t have to move.

“Really?”

“Yeah.” he softly confirm, “but I also don’t want people to question that he’s mine so I suppose he can have my nose.” He laughs.

A lazy hum vibrates through your chest, “Silly,” You move your head away from his chest for a moment and reach your hand up so you can caress his cheek, running your thumb over his eyebrow, “you’re going to be the best daddy in the world. You already are. Thank you for taking care of us.”

Mason can’t help but blush, something he would always do when you talked about him as a father. He had been plenty worried about if he would be good enough or if he was truly ready but he knew that with you, you two as a pair would give your baby boy your whole lives and all of the love you had to possibly offer and more. He knew you would both be fine, more than fine.

“You’re already the best mummy in the world. I can’t believe I get to do this with you. I can’t believe you’re making me a dad. I’m so obsessed with you.”

You can feel your eyes tearing up and when Mason notices he just leans forward kissing each of your cheeks, telling you that there’s no reason to be emotional. He knows you can’t help it tho.

“I love you. Both of you,” he hums, kissing your lips softly.

“We love you more.” you breathe out, wrapping your arm back around him while his face is buried into your neck. Only thing being heard in the room is both of your breathing along with the soft crowd noise coming from the TV.

Mason only speaks up when the referee blows the final whistle, “I told you he wasn’t going to score.”

#mason mount #mason mount imagine #mason mount fanfic #mason mount blurb #football imagine #football fanfic #writing

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writinandcrying · 2 years ago

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Hellou!Im the persone who asked about requests a while back(Mainly because I didnt wanna overwhelm you if theyre closed) and Im really glad they are.Anyway,could I request Donnie(TMNT),Tamaki(BNHA) and/or FatGum(BNHA)(Also,I hope I havent gone over the character limit) with a slightly chubby s/o?(Insecure or not,you chose!).You dont have to do this if you dont want to tho!Have a nice week❤

Hellou! Thank you so much for being so thoughtful, I’ll have to apologize tho, I no longer write for bnha, I had a huge burnout fand I do not feel comfortable writing about it anymore, I hope a veeeery detailed Donnie reaction to a chubby reader will make up for the absence of those characters! ♥️

Tmnt - Donnie x Chubby reader (Gender Neutral!)

I’ll have to start that all of the boys wouldn’t judge or reject you based on your appearance, being either chubby, slim, tall, short, there are a few attributes that I think each turtle would find it e seeing or interesting, but it’s more… humanly related(?) maybe one day I’ll make a post about it if you guys wanna hear my opinion on it hehe :)

Donnie(generalized) x Chubby Reader:

just like there are certain stuff about the turtles that they like and dislike about themselves, there are stuff about humans who think the same about themselves! and even though Donnie knows there are beauty standards that control many areas in humans society, he still doesn’t understand why people outcast those who are different

I think some of us (readers / shippers) get a bit :C when thinking about Donnie bc in almost every version, he had a crush on April (who is a babe in every. Version. Specially rise, I love rise-April so much, and that’s the only apriltello I’ll let it slide lmao) and that can give a “perception” that he wouldn’t even glance at some of us ( “us” = being a huge group, trans, guys, chubby girls, chubby guys, skinny girls and guys, everyone who doesn’t fit the normie mold I guess- I unfortunately think about that often. Which sucks cuz I gotta remind myself that isn’t true!!! At all!!)

I personally Headcanon Donnie being… I don’t know if interested would be the correct word, but more intrigued with how humans relate to each other, on their first missions, he knew they could… scare some of them off, “frightened by their own prejudice” as master splinter would say, but it’s far more different to hear about it than to actually live it, and it hurts to hear someone scream their heart out just by seeing you

While growing up, he started to notice not only in television, on and off midia, how people would mess around with others on the street just because of their appearance, he knew society worked though this beauty standards, but he didn’t understand it. It didn’t made sense! value someone based on what they look like? There are so many things, so many attributes to make someone interesting, and you gonna pick the most…. Boring? Plain? Vague? Shallow reason to create privilege over others? Really? (And thst enters on the topic of how almost all beauty standards are rooted in white privileged and racism but I’ll go on a tangent about it once I start it and I’ve already said a lot lols)

He could literally go on for hours about this topic (which he has. At least tried with each one of his brothers, but they never really responded well to so said topic “if humans have it bad, then what do we have left?” Raphael barked back once, an attempt to shut him up, which it worked, btw- he didn’t like to go through that direction when thinking about that topic, but yeah, what does he have left?)

He started searching about different aesthetics, ethnicities, he has folders on Pinterest dedicated different body types, cultures, he swears it’s for research reasons, which kinda is, but Donnie’s guilty pleasure is checking “different” people online, those who would deem strange and weird outside the internet, he liked seeing their content and specially their comment sections being filled with wonderful compliments, people relating to different styles and tastes, that gave him hope that there are someone out there with different views of how everyone should be “shaped”, and that maybe he will find someone who thinks he’s handsome and desirable (Donnie, just like Raph, is also insecure about his body, but he’s more… melancholic about it, if you confessed to Raphael, there would be a high change of him pushing you away, trying not to break his heart from actually believing you, while DonDon here, if you both started dating- on some days Donnie would need more reassurance that yes, his partner does think he’s handsome/hot/attractive. Otherwise he might internalize his insecurities and it will be HARD to get a confession “why he’s so upset out of the sudden” from this turtle)

With that being said!!!! (My god I do know how to ramble) without even realizing, Donnie open his “preferences”? Let’s say, Became more open minded than most, While seeking comfort for himself, and when he says he doesn’t have a type, he really doesn’t. There are so many aesthetics that could be attractive! punks, goths, cottagecore, y2k, dark academia, light academia, grunge, fairycore, alt, the list is endless! And don’t get him started on physical attributes cuz there are so many different combinations that some how, people manage to connect the most random ones and make it look great

Donnie wouldnt fall for someone specially bc of their appearance, or that would be the first reason he would fall head over heels, when you think about it, what happened to April it was that she was extremely passionate and dedicated to *insert which cause she was fighting for* and took Donnie seriously, that light up a lightbulb in his head that has never been on before, people showing how ardently they can be into something, how much they care and such, that’s attractive to him, and after that, everything that person does, or is, suddenly becomes beautiful and amazing for Donnie

Withthatbeingsaidpart2- if Donnie did fall for someone more on the chubbier side, their “plumpy-ness” would def be something to call his attention out after he developed feelings, he longed for your hugs, specially after he found out how soft and warm they were, he actually started having more naps after you caught his heart, imaging how it would be to cuddle someone as soft as you while hugging his pillow late at night on his bed (which eventually he would doze off from day dreaming so much)

Talking about day dreaming, Donnie can totally lose himself in his mind, just like with his projects, he can imerse himself in a fantasy about you two easily, which makes him totally freeze when you show up and he actually have to say or do something he has been constantly dreaming about

So please confess first, cuz when I say he can lose himself in his daydreams, that can last for months until he actually gathers courage to do something about it

While in a relationship, Donnie is totally a hopeless romantic, but not the typical “roses and candlelight’s dinner” kind, as your boyfriend, he wants to help you out no matter what, he will make aaaaas many inventions as he can that might increase the quality of your life, becomes easier to do… whatever, literally. And he always longs for your adorable reactions to his gifts

He adores your chubby cheeks, he will! Get lost! in your face! Your eyes! Eveything! He will oh so slowly caress his knuckles softly across it, sliding to your neck, traveling through your arms, he likes to squish your face a bit as well while cupping it when he goes for a kiss, he just thinks everything about you is adorable (and hot at the same time)

He really like the contraste his skin has with yours, it’s so foreign for him and he can’t help but to love how smooth your skin can be, (which leads his mind to ahem. Certain kind of thoughts. If you know what I mean)

Just like he needs reassurance about his appearance, he knows you probably had to deal with more than one unpleasant comment about your physique, so you don’t even have to ask, Donnie is so whipped with you, compliments about you just drip of his tongue, and it’s always so sweet, followed by a pair of soft eyes, always admiring you, plus, Donnie is a science / fact man, he would gather information about other cultures that value more curvy, chubby, bigger people, he would go as far as making a slide presentation how wonderful and more inclusive people are being (even if it doesn’t seams like it, and there’s still a long way to go) he would include real opinions online other than his on the matter that your body is indeed, a snack, (aaaaaand he is once again right, aaaaand just like everyone else you just have to live with it and accept it 😌 end of story)

He would definitely “put up to test” his theory of how amazing it is to cuddle someone who’s more on the chubbier side (and his theory is ✅ correct)

Cuddling becomes a weekly thing for you guys, that being you sitting on his lap, having naps, watching movies together, he loves to create or update his projects with you on his lap, holding you grounds him. Plus it’s easier to speak some kisses on your cheeks that way

He finds out some people on the heavier side stops themselves to live some experiences the hard way, he never wants to make you uncomfortable, ever. But it takes a while for him to understand why wouldn’t you like to, as an example, wear a bathing suit/ swimwear around other people, wearing lighter clothes when it’s absurdly hot during winter time, that you don’t like when he picks you up? things that don’t connect right away. he promises himself to never force you to do anything you don’t want to, but he slowly will try to support you to do whatever you have always wanted to but stopped yourself from doing so bc of your weight

He would take extra time while making out with you, he wants you to know how much he loves your body, every inch of it. Lowkey likes to drag his nails on your tights and mark you

Overall? Donnie is extremely thoughtful, independently of how his partner look like, if they were “part” of some sort of outcast from society, he would take his sweet time to show how important and special his partner is, he is extremely thankful to be able to experience love, something that not only him, but all of the boys, thought it was out of their reach for a really long time, so you bet he’s going to show how appreciative he is oof your love, of all of you 💜

I really tired to innovate a bit here, didn’t want to add the same stuff as other Headcanons that already exists (I mean, Its cute to read how we as writing blogs / authors “agree” on how the boys would react in certain situations, which it is a FactTM that Donnie is a sweetheart. but it’s also good to read new stuff, oooor you know, a new perspective of it, even if it is a “common” / “already done” scenario, you know? )

even if I mostly rambled about Donnie’s personality analysis than to actual stuff he would do or act around an chubby reader lmao, I truly hope you like this! I didn’t proof read this so I’m sorry if there are any grammar mistakes hehe

#tmnt #tmnt x reader #giulia writes #tmnt headcannons #tmnt donnie x reader #tmnt donatello x reader #tmnt doonie

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daenqyu · 4 years ago

Text

— they walk in on their crush changing

includes: bakugou, kirishima, todoroki, midoriya, and tamaki

warnings: kinda suggestive?? swearing

a/n: i saw multiple tiktoks about this and wanted to write something about it sooo yeah. some of them are a bit longer than others because i got carried away oops. hope you guys like it !!

( gif isn’t mine !! credits go to @orbital-audio )

bakugou katsuki:

listen, i feel like bakugou would act like he doesn’t care at all

but he’s definitely blushing and can’t look at you straight in the eye

he just wanted to let you know that since kaminari and mina forced him to help them study, you could come too

so he made his way to your dorm room while looking at his phone

and he doesn’t even knock so you’re quite startled

although you don’t blame him because he’s always hanging out in your room and vice versa

“hey we’re gonna have a study session later tonight, in case you wanna come” his eyes are glued to his phone as he talks, but you still feel embarrassed that he’s in the same room as you while you’re changing

after a few seconds go by with no response from you, he finally looks up from the device

“i’m talking to you-” the breath gets knocked out of him when he sees you’re in the middle of trying on different outfits

and apparently you were about to try a new one because you’re just in your freaking underwear

bakugou may be a lot of things, but he is not a pervert

so he’s quick to turn around to face the door, his eyes tightly shut even tho he can’t see anything as it is since you’re behind him

“you dumbass, don’t you know how to lock a fucking door?! is not that hard for fuck’s sake”

you almost want to laugh at the blonde’s state

you’ve never seen him like this before so you might as well tease him about it

“didn't your parents teach you it's impolite to enter a room without knocking first?”

oh he can hear the smirk on your face and he wants nothing more than to go up to you and wipe it off himself

but he knows you’re still in your underwear

and while it’s true he’s a gentleman, he’s also a man

seeing his crush in her underwear will most definitely get a reaction out of him

he curls his hands into fists by his side, jaw clenching because he knows you’re probably enjoying this

“just shut up and get dressed”

“is my room, i can stay like this if i want”

“put. something. on”

his tone annoys you

who the hell is he to tell you what to do?

“and what if i don’t want to?”

you’re just buffing of course, you’ve already put on one of bakugou’s shirt that you stole from him a week ago

his patience is running out

and he’s mad at himself because fuck, why does he have to like you so much?

if it was any other girl he couldn’t have cared less and would’ve just walked out

but it’s you, his crush

you’re so different from everyone else and it makes his blood boil because feelings are stupid and he should be focusing on becoming the number one hero, not some silly high school crush

“okay i'm dressed”

a sigh of relief escapes his lips as he turns around, but it doesn’t take long before his eyes are wide open as he takes in your figure

you’re wearing his shirt

it ends just above your mid thigh and it falls around your figure loosely, obviously too big for you

bakugou can feel butterflies in his stomach at the sight

why are you so pretty?

“what was that you were saying when you walked in?”

you’re so calm and collected, walking around with only his shirt on

normally he hates when people wear his clothes, but it looks so good on you he can’t even bring himself to be annoyed

“we’re having a study session tonight,” his voice is low and he fixes his gaze on the wall behind you. “and you can come too, if you want to that is”

“wait that’s a great idea, i’ve been falling behind on english recently”

he nods and you frown at his actions

sure bakugou can be quiet, when he’s not mad, but he looks rather…shy?

you smirk once again, knowing what this is all about

“don’t tell me the bakugou katsuki has never seen a girl naked before?”

“the fuck are you talking about?”

“well is either that or you like me because why else would you be so red right now?”

he groans when you say that

anyways he uhhh got tired of you not getting all the hints he’s been dropping and just straight up corners you against the wall

your heart is about to burst out of your chest at the close proximity and the feeling only intensifies when he smirks

he leans down, lips merely inches away from your own

“seeing as you’re not pushing me away right now, i say you like me too, dumbass”

well he’s not wrong soooo

you end up kissing after that✨

( gif isn’t mine !! credits go to its rightful owner )

kirishima eijirou:

oh boy, this poor baby

he would be the type to apologize around 100 times and even when you told him it was fine and that you didn’t care, he would still feel guilty

ok so what happened was you were getting ready for your date with kirishima

because yes, he finally asked you out and you couldn’t be happier with life at the moment

and he wanted to know how much longer you were gonna take since he was already done

but you wouldn’t answer his texts

spoiler alert: you were just showering but he was too impatient and also he just wanted to see you again hehe he’s so cute

anyways,,

he makes his way to your room and knocks on the door

it’s more of like a warning because he doesn’t even wait for a response, he just barges in

you had gotten out of the shower like 3 minutes ago and were in the process of drying your hair in the middle of the room, your back facing kirishima

“hey y/n how much longer do you think- shit!”

his voice scares you, but you don’t move because you know it’ll be worse if you do

so you stay frozen in your place

kirishima notices the droplets of water falling from your hair and down your spine before slowly falling down the curves of your-

he flushes completely, his face now matching his dyed hair perfectly, and he turns around with both of his hands covering his eyes

“i’m so so so sorry! that was so unmanly of me. i should’ve just waited until you texted me, but i missed you and wanted to see you so i came over and didn’t wait for an answer and then i saw you and oh god you’re naked and-”

“kirishima,”

he shuts up when he hears your soft voice calling his name

“yeah?”

“calm down”

after that he just stays quiet, trying to calm the erratic beating of his heart and not let his imagination run wild

you should be the one that’s flustered because your best friend and crush just saw your bare ass

but if anything, kirishima’s the one who feels like he’s about to faint from seeing so much skin

he thinks it’s really unmanly of him to see you naked without your consent so he’s on the brink of an existential crisis

meanwhile, as kirishima rethinks all of his life choices, you finish drying your hair and continue to put on your outfit, knowing kirishima wouldn’t turn around any time soon

he’s still facing away from you even when you’ve finished dressing up

you giggle, thinking about how cute he is before tapping his shoulder

“you can look now, kiri”

even with your permission, he’s still hesitant about his movements

he doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable or anything so that’s why he genuinely doesn’t know what to do

kirishima turns around slowly, eyes now focused on the floor

“i’m really sorry about that, y/n. i didn’t mean to i swear and i’m sorry if i made you uncomfortable but-”

“kiri, i’m not mad at you”

“you’re not?”

“of course not, i know it was an accident”

well thank god because he wouldn’t forgive himself if he made you upset

“besides, you were eventually gonna see me naked”

it was a joke

supposed to be

but kirishima whips his head your way and his eyes almost pop out of their sockets

a part of him is shy sure, but the other part wants to run laps after hearing you say that

“well yeah but that’s different…” he scratches the back of his neck nervously and your heart swells for the boy in front of you

he really is so sweet

he just wants you to be completely comfortable around him

how could you not be in love with him?

“how about we forget this ever happened, i finish getting ready, and then we go on our date? hm?”

he nods eagerly after hearing you say that, if you’re happy then he’s absolutely content

you smile at him before standing up on your tip toes and leaving a chaste kiss against his cheek

of course he blushes again

he’ll never get tired of your cuteness

or you in general

but this time he’s more confident when he pulls you to his chest in a tight hug

“the view was really nice by the way”

“kirishima!”

“what? i'm just saying you should be proud”

“you’re so stupid”

“stupidly in love with you that is”

he’s got a dumb smile on his face after he says that

and it only widens when you take his hand in yours to sit him down on your bed

yup, he’s head over heels for you

( gif isn’t mine !! credits go to its rightful owner )

todoroki shouto:

out of the five of them, he’d DEFINITELY be the most chill about it

sure, he’d still feel embarrassed and what not

but he wouldn’t make such a big deal about it

simply because he doesn’t want to make things awkward between you two

so he decides it’s best if he just keeps acting like he normally would

you texted him to come over so you could watch some movies together

and he had some homework to do but it’s not like he was gonna pass up on the opportunity of spending quality time with you

unlike the other first years,

todoroki actually knocks and waits for your response

because he has manners, period.

“come on in!”

you said it was okay to come in

so why the hell are you in the middle of changing shirts?????

he wastes no time in closing his eyes

refusing to keep looking at you when you probably don’t even know he’s watching

“um y/n?”

“yes?”

“what are you doing?”

“i’m changing, isn’t it obvious?” your chuckle makes his cheeks heat up

was this amusing to you?

because he was seconds away from having a heart attack

however he doesn’t show it

instead, he just continues to keep his eyes closed while trying to think about literally anything else except your bare skin

key word: trying

because he can’t seem to get the image of your clothed breasts out of his mind and he thinks he’s about to go insane

he also scolds himself because a gentleman shouldnt do that

but you don’t seem to care at all and that confuses him so much (???

“why do you have your eyes closed?”

“are you done changing”

“yeah”

when he opens his eyes again you’re sitting down on your bed, laptop placed in front of you as you scroll down on netflix

now fully dressed

he lets out a sigh of relief before clearing his throat and sitting down next to you

and he thinks he’s being slick and smooth

but he’s not

he’s actually almost completely stiff

and when you subconsciously brush your knee against his, he flinches

you frown at his reaction

“are you okay?”

“yeah, why do you ask?”

“because you’re acting weird”

“am not”

“you are”

the banter goes on for a while until you finally figure it out

the way his eyes occasionally look down on your chest only to quickly look away with a blush on his cheeks it's what gives him away

“wait, are you embarrassed just because you saw my boobs?”

cue todoroki wanting to get the hell out of your room

“i’m not embarrassed”

“your blush says otherwise, todoroki”

he doesn’t know what to say afterwards so he just sits there with a pout on his pretty lips and his eyebrows furrowed

he’s so shy and cute🥺

“if you want to, you can take your shirt off so we’ll be tied”

your tone is teasing as you continue to scroll on your computer, not really giving much thought to what you said

except you forgot todoroki takes everything quite literally

the grin falls from your lips as soon as you see todoroki, indeed, taking off his shirt

“w-what are you doing?!”

“you said we need to be tied”

“todoroki, that was a joke!”

the roles have been reversed because now you're the one who’s all flustered and looking away from him

he blinks once, then twice before smiling at you

“now who’s being shy?”

“i- shut up and watch the movie”

( gif isn’t mine !! credits go to its rightful owner )

midoriya izuku:

he would die

not literally duh

but he’d want to disappear right then and there

you know that one scene where hatsume is pressed up against him and he blushes a shit ton and is just like “b-b-boobs”?

well yeah he’s like that

except he can barely talk because of how embarrassed he is

he’d also, like kirishima, apologize a lot

he literally just feels like he committed a crime

and you’re like “midoriya, it’s not that deep”

but he’s just upset with himself

you had told him earlier that you needed some help with your homework

and since he’s such a wonderful friend, he didn’t hesitate to tell you that he’d be more than happy to help

so now he’s happily walking to your room because he loves study dates with you

even tho they’re not dates at all

but still

he loves them

especially whenever you get a question right and you just look up at him with big puppy eyes, waiting for him to praise you

and he does

because you deserve it

you work so hard and he admires you for that

ok BAcK to the point,,,

(i’m sorry i just love this man so much, he makes me so soft)

here’s the deal

midoriya knocks on your door right?

but you don’t hear it because you’re blasting music on your speaker while singing your heart out

so he lets himself in

tho he wants to run back out when he sees your naked back is facing him

you’re changing; that’s the first thing he notices

the second thing he notices is that you’re standing in front of a mirror

and you’re not wearing a bra

he yelps before turning around and you jump because you hadn’t noticed him

“izuku? what are you-”

“i’m so sorry y/n! i didn’t mean to invade your privacy like this a-and i didn’t know you were changing and so i opened the door and then i saw you and oh god you’re not wearing a shirt which isn’t bad you know, i m-mean i'm not saying you look bad because ha believe me you don’t but-”

“oh my god dude, would you relax?”

you laugh as you finish putting on your hoodie

he frowns, you’re laughing? in a situation like this?! are you okay???

“again, i’m sorry and it’s okay if you want me to go because it’s weird and i don’t want you to feel uncomfortable because of me so-”

“ok izuku, first of all stop talking,” he quickly shuts his mouth, still facing the closed door so you don’t see his tomato-like cheeks. “second, turn around,” you place your hands on his shoulders to make him look at you and he tenses at the touch, but turns around anyways

you offer him a kind smile, the one that makes him fall harder for you everyday and that’s enough to ease his nerves a bit

“third, quit freaking out. it’s not like i’m gonna kill you or anything”

“b-but how are you so...calm?”

“uhh because i don’t really care?”

he doesn’t know why, but his heart hurts a little after hearing you say that

is not like he expects you to actually reciprocate his feelings but,,

he didn’t have an effect on you whatsoever? not even a little bit?

“and besides, it’s you so i don’t mind”

“what do you mean?”

you shrug, smirking at the green haired boy, “well you like me, right?”

he almost stops breathing

maybe he did for a few seconds

he looks at you, a mix of emotions flashing through his expression

is he relieved? is he scared? is he happy?

he doesn’t k n o w

neverthless, he nods shyly, looking away from your captivating gaze

“and i like you so it’s okay”

midoriya.exe has stopped working

someone PLEASE calm this boy down

he’s about to explode from feeling so much happiness

“you do?!”

“of course” you smile at him one last time, before interlacing your fingers with his and sitting down on the rug next to your bed so you can study

or maybe you got a little carried away and ended up cuddling all evening while eating ramen

but that’s besides the point

( gif isn’t mine !! credits go to its rightful owner )

tamaki amajiki:

sweet little baby

he faints :D

no but seriously

he does.

are we surprised?

nope, not at all

he can’t look at you for more than 5 seconds without getting nervous as it is,

but after he saw you half naked?!

yeah no, that’s too much for tamaki

his body shuts down because he cannot handle it

nejire told him to go check up on you because you seemed off at school

which tamaki also noticed because he’s very observant with people (especially you) but he preferred to not say anything

of course his first response to nejire is straight up: no

he’s too shy

and he’s scared because what if you get mad at him? or tell him to go away?

he thinks it’s better to give you your space and if you want to talk to him, then he’s more than ready to listen

but nejire wouldn’t shut up about it

then mirio butted in too and they were just whining a lot and he got tired of hearing them talk

now here he is, standing in front of your room with a shaky hand hovering against the wooden door

much like todoroki, he knocks and patiently waits for a response

which he receives quickly

“who is it?”

“tamaki”

“ahh tama, let yourself in!”

he blushes at the nickname and finally opens the door

he’s about to go sit on your desk chair or something

but then he sees you

you’re only in your underwear, struggling to put on a hoodie

and then you jump to try and get it on

and that makes it worse because you’re wearing a b r a

long story short,

he falls to the floor :D

the big ‘thud’ startles you and even more so when you see tamaki’s unconscious body on the floor

“shit, tama are you okay?”

it takes him a good 5 minutes to open his eyes again

he feels a cold towel pressed up against his forehead and he frowns at the feeling

when he turns his head around, he notices that he’s laying down on your bed

but you're nowhere to be seen

“thank god you’re awake”

your voice comes from behind him and that’s when he realizes he’s not only laying down on your bed, but also on your lap

“you really worried me!”

cue him blushing like there’s no tomorrow and stuttering

“s-sorry. i was just s-surprised to see you c-changing and i’m sorry i didn’t tell you i was coming b-beforehand”

you shake your head, “that’s okay tama, i’m not mad at you”

he just nods because he’s afraid he’ll say something dumb if he talks

you brush your fingers through his indigo hair and he swears he can feel himself falling more in love with you in that precise moment

you smile down at him

“what did you come here for anyway? not that i mind, but you know”

“nejire told me y-you seemed down today s-so i came to check up on you”

butterflies flutter in your stomach at his sweet words

“aww you’re so sweet, but i’m okay. i was just feeling sad”

he sits up to look at you better and he doesn’t miss the way you pout when his hair is no longer in between your fingers

which makes his heart speed up

“are you okay?”

his question is so genuine and he seems so concerned, it makes you want to keep him in your pocket forever

“i am now”

he smiles at your response, happy that you feel better

“i’m glad”

“now come here, i wanna play with your hair”

and who is he to deny such request?

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