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welcometothejianghu · 11 months ago

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Welcome to another round of W2 Tells You What You Should See, where W2 (me) tries to sell you (you) on something you should be watching. Today's choice: 心宅猎人/Psych-Hunter.

Psych-Hunter is a 2020 drama about a hot young amnesiac who, accompanied by a rich psychiatrist with major daddy issues and a rich girl who cosplays as a cop, uses his Inception-style psychic powers to solve crimes that are part of a shadowy conspiracy orchestrated by a mysterious figure.

True story: Once I couldn't remember the English name of the drama, so I called it "House Haunters," and now my brain insists that's the real English title. If only!

Do not, under any circumstances, labor under the impression that this show is good. It's not. It's incoherent. The writing is bad. The villain is absurd. The vibe is comically melodramatic. People make inexplicable and out-of-character decisions all the time. Countless complex mysteries get set up with no way to resolve them. There's a thin lampshade hanging over it that blurs the line between bad decisions made on accident and bad decisions made on purpose, but the net result is largely the same. This is the show that first inspired my wife to declare something dumb as a guinea pig in a roller skate.

But it's fun. It's a sea of colorful chaos with brilliant pieces that shine through like strange gems. It knows how to work an atmosphere and does so to create some legitimately creepy moments. It spins a wild yarn filled with bizarre and loveable characters. And it has some twists that truly have to be seen to be believed. In the mood for some beautiful nonsense? Here's five reasons that despite everything I warned you about in the previous paragraph, I think this one's worth watching.

1. Psychonauts for Jazz Age homosexuals

Honestly, that phrase alone should let you know if this is the thing for you. But just in case, let me explain the basic premise of the show:

Jiang Shuo, a man who has lost his memory and been adopted by circus folk, is capable of jingling his keys and diving full-body into someone else's subconscious, represented by lovely and thematic dreamscapes. He does this to solve crimes. Sometimes he takes along a handsome doctor who seems like he might know more than he's letting on, by literally tying their hands together with a red string.

Also, when they do this, they get gorgeous steampunk magical girl costume changes, complete with the cutest little pony nub you've ever seen.

This show can be stunningly beautiful. It knows how to manifest dream logic eerily well. Most of these cognitions are gorgeous, and many are done with primarily practical effects, like it's a stage play. ...And it's good it relies on that so much, because the CG it has is kinda cheap and terrible! So, yeah.

(Side note for the DMBJ fans: This is directed by the same guy who directed Sand Sea, which I assume is related to how this both is a visual treat and completely falls apart on the back end.)

The reason I'm a bit surprised that this hasn't taken off more among the creative set is what a great piece of worldbuilding this Psych-diving is. These boys (and, once, the girl) get to short-term manifest bodily in someone else's materialized mental state, where the person whose brain they’re in neither controls the experience nor remembers what happened after it’s done. Were you writing weird Arthur/Eames fic a decade ago? I got a new best thing for you. Can you say freaky dream sex? Because I can.

The base premise should be more than enough to get your gears going. Come ready to get weird with it. There's so much potential here, and so much of that potential is incredibly gay and wearing impeccably tailored suits.

2. Your friendly neighborhood circus family

As I mentioned before, Jiang Shuo lucks into the best possible fate that can befall an amnesiac: being picked up by carnies.

The troupe includes Ventriloquist Man, Really Big Dude, One-Eyed Acrobat, Other Acrobat, Cheerful Fat Girl, Boy Who Looks Like A Kid But Is Actually Played By An Adult So I'm Not Exactly Sure How Old The Character Himself Is Supposed To Be, and Silver Fox Circus Dad, who manages the whole crew. They're a ragtag bunch of performers who all live together in this cute little compound in some very nice slums, and sometimes they open the gates to their lavish compound and put on a circus show for all the common people!

Now: You know this is not going to be the wokest, most sensitive portrayal of body differences, because of course it isn't. But damn, it's pretty not-bad. The show treats all the circus members as valuable people worthy of affection, whose (occasionally exasperating) quirks are no more or less exhausting than those of the non-circus weirdos in the rest of the supporting cast.

I was half-expecting them to disappear after the first arc, but no! They’re a constant fixture through the show! They’re mostly there to support the show’s more comedic moments, but some of them get wrapped up in more emotional plotlines as well. And every now and then you get to see them actually do their circus shit, which is great.

I will admit that my fondness for them is related to how much I generally love fictional Freaks — you know, misfits who have banded together because society considers them unacceptably weird, but together their weirdnesses make them strong. When you find them, they’re usually the bad guys (e.g., the Gung-Ho Guns from Trigun, the Scorpion crew from Word of Honor) whose freak statuses make them formidable and occasionally sympathetic antagonists. But not so here! The Psych-Hunter Family Circus is good guy support all the way through to the final episode.

I know "found family" is a term that suffers from overuse, but that's the best way to describe what's happening here -- really, it's a family that's already found itself even before the show starts, and now they all live together as an unconventional collective of astonishingly flexible people. How did they find one another? Doesn't matter! What matters is that they all love and would do anything for their newest member, and they think it's great when he comes home with his attractive rich friends, who often arrive bringing snacks, which is really the best use for rich people, if you think about it.

3. Two hands, one ring

Now, if you've seen the series already, you know the moment I'm talking about. But if you haven't (and, statistically, you haven't), know that what I mean is the relationship between these two losers.

Together, Qin Yiheng and Jiang Shuo form the emotional core of the series. They're both drawn to one another because of mysterious circumstances that have started to align. Jiang Shuo's memory is missing, Qin Yiheng's dad has vanished, and all signs point to those absences as having something to do with one another.

Very early in the show, we see Qin Yiheng pull a "come with me if you want to live" on Jiang Shuo, giving the impression that he knows just what's going on in this crazy city. Except, no, he doesn't. Or does he? No, we're pretty sure he doesn't. Or he does, but he's forgotten what he knows, if he ever even knew it in the first place. Anyway, time to tie their hands together and jump into someone else's brain!

I'd say they're in love, but that's not quite it. Dr. Qin Yiheng, high-class homosexual, is in love with Jiang Shuo to the point where he's about to murder someone (possibly Jiang Shuo himself) out of frustration about it. Jiang Shuo, on the other hand, is much more sticking his fingers in his ears and going LA LA LA YOU CAN'T CATCH ME GAY THOUGHTS while trying get a girlfriend in an effort to pretend that all the shit they get up to together isn't tremendously romantic.

That is, until the scene that leads to the which-hand ring guessing game, at which point the burden of their relationship falls on Jiang Shuo (and the Inception parallels get unignorable) for exactly as long as the show will allow it to, before it freaks out and has to add another girl love interest just to make sure all the homos got no'd.

It's not textually gay, because seriously, have you met Chinese television? But it's pretty gay. Or, rather, I think Liu Dongqin (Qin Yiheng) is playing his character as a dedicated homosexual on purpose, and Hou Minghao (Jiang Shuo) is just ... kinda like that? I mean, everything I’ve seen him in, he gets real dreamy-eyed around strong men who pay close attention to him. Maybe it's just his thing as an actor. I'm not judging.

However, the main cast isn't just the two of them. One of the things that led me to this show was the promise of an OT3. And does it deliver on that promise?

Well ... sorta.

Qin Yiheng, Jiang Shuo, and Yuan Muqing are a pretty standard MFM not-love-triangle trio of Male Bestie, Main Guy, and Girlfriend (respectively). There's about five seconds at the beginning of the series where it looks like Yuan Muqing might be into Qin Yiheng, but no, that evaporates almost instantly and is never spoken of again -- and with it disappears most of their interactions with one another, period. So it's less an OT3, and more a case of bisexual cutiepie Jiang Shuo getting both a boyfriend and a girlfriend in a world where censorship will only let the latter relationship exist textually.

But damn if these boys aren't made for one another. Sure, there's a level of conscious comical queerbaiting to it -- I mean, there's straight-up an "only one bed" moment, so you know the show isn't stumbling into rainbow territory on accident. No matter how sexual or nonsexual or whatever you read it as, though, their dynamic is the spine that holds the story together. Really, it's almost sad how often the relationships are set parallel to one another, because when you do that, it becomes obvious how intense Jiang Shuo's bond with Qin Yiheng is, and how largely lackluster and comphet most of his canon romance with Yuan Muqing is by comparison.

Like so.

sidebar: The Girl

I am not going to go into a full-throated defense of The Girl this time, as I am wont to do, mostly because I think Yuan Muqing is full of potential in concept but so badly executed that there's really no hope for her. Her entire personality is whatever they need her to be in any particular scene. It's just that once in a while, what they need her to be is completely insane -- like, seeing-things-that-aren't-there insane -- and it's so great that it makes me mad! She could have been like this all the time! But noooooo

As it is, she has a perfunctory canonical romance with Jiang Shuo that's about as endgame as anything is capable of being (see point 5), and it actually gets pretty cute when it finally gets to the point where it's not just awkward obligation! But alas, it only does that so late in the series that it's not even worth it getting invested in it.

She is a creation of the show. She has no novel counterpart. Her entire function in the drama is to un-gay the dynamic between the boys. You can tell that she was initially supposed to have a different role -- to be the muscle of this trio -- but the narrative forgets pretty quickly that she's got that skill set, and she regresses to being The Girl. She makes dumb decisions that forward the plot. She gets put into danger whenever it's convenient. She demands Jiang Shuo do manly things for her because that’s what a girl is supposed to do, I guess? And then there are moments where she’s cool and crazy and it’s awesome! But they never last.

So if you are going to watch this, be prepared for the fact that the female lead is badly written to the point of frustration. I feel her actor is doing the absolutely best with what she's got; the problem is that what she's got is pretty crappy. Still, Muqing gets some pretty charming moments here and there, and I think it's worth hanging onto those and imagining the character she could have been, if the writers had cared just a little more, or even at all.

4. Powerfully surreal worldbuilding

I'm not even talking about the way people's psyches are structured according to dream logic -- the "normal" waking world is almost equally bizarre. The story takes place in sort of the real world c. 1930, except that a lot of things are off. For example, Japan and England are real locations, but China kinda isn't -- instead, the show takes place in a Shanghai-like city-state run by this moustachioed generalissimo with a faux Latin American dictator aesthetic. The place has its own flag and government and police force (where all the cops have coordinating surnames) and diplomatic relationships with other countries, so it’s clearly its own thing. But what that thing is? What it’s even called? Look, don’t worry about it. Nobody else is worried, so you shouldn’t be either.

You will, at every point in the series, be wondering if the show is trying to telegraph to you that Something's Not Quite Right Here, or if it's just making weird decisions for the sake of artsy weirdness. But don't worry -- there's absolutely no way to tell the difference between the two! Just roll with it.

There's a weird mix of universe rules happening throughout, where everything is mostly period-appropriate for a while, and then somebody builds a clock with levitating parts, or causes someone else to have very specific memory loss — or, again, swings some coins in front of a person’s face and gains the ability to treat their subconscious like a VR amusement park.

You can sort of reconstruct the evolution of this weirdness: The book has actual factual ghosts in it. Well, that’s fine for books, but TV isn’t allowed to have ghosts. But TV can have people who imagine ghosts, so long as it’s all in their heads. Okay, but you know jumping bodily into those imaginations isn’t actually a thing real people can do, right? Well, then let’s make it scientific. How can that be scientific? I don't know, it’s psychiatry. I don’t think that’s psychiatry. Look, it could be. Well, it’s definitely not psychiatry in 1930s Shanghai, and that’s the set we’re allowed to film on. Okay, what if it weren’t actually Shanghai? What if it weren’t actually 1930? What if all of this were at best a weird approximation of the period that adheres to no rules except the ones we want?

Once you’ve thought that, the sky’s the limit.

The show has a very inconsistent grasp on reality, and I am listing that as a pro instead of a con because I am choosing to embrace it as a deliberate choice rather than assume it’s the result of craven incompetence. There's something to be said, though, for how pervasively inconsistent it is. It'd be one thing if there were just a few plot holes here and there (and there are), but this is more along the lines of: We woke up in a mysterious boat and got taken to an island with a giant sea monster skeleton on the shore! What's that all about? Couldn't say! Was it real? Maybe! Moving on!

Let the number of "it's fine! who knows!" comments I've made throughout this rec indicate how much this is the kind of show you just have to roll with. If you are a nitpicker or someone who is troubled by unexplained nonsense, this is not the thing for you. If you love artistic magical realism and high strangeness, you will eat this up with a spoon.

And the lampshade that hangs over all of this worldbuilding is...

5. THE STUPIDEST POSSIBLE ENDING EVER

Okay, usually I am coy about when I think an ending has problems. I am going to drag this one out front and center: Psych-Hunter has an ending so jaw-droppingly, head-clutchingly stupid that I'm actually listing it as a selling point, because it has to be seen to be believed.

When I first watched it, I suspected the show ran out of time or money or something and just had to slap together the quickest possible ending ever. But no! This is the ending they meant! If you go back to the rest of the series, you can see that this is what they were (kinda) setting up the whole time! They just set it up so poorly and decided to make the twist hit at such a late point that not only is it complete nonsense, it actually renders moot the entire emotional stakes of the show! Absolutely incredible!

Now, as I've said before in other places, I don't begrudge the actual twist itself. I mean, it's stupid on its face, but I think they could have done something with it — if they'd had it happen halfway through the series, when the characters would have had time to adjust to the new knowledge. Instead, they slap it on at the last possible moment, when there's no time to have any reaction to it. It's just jarring and baffling, and then the whole thing's over.

I've seen lots of people say "season 2 when???" Season 2 never, friends. There was never going to be a season 2. The only reason you think this was an even remotely acceptable narrative move was that you were assuming that this would be the midpoint, not the end. You're having the same reaction I did, only I can tell this was always meant to be their spectacular dismount.

(To me, it's clear what happened: They J.J. Abramsed themselves into a cool premise for a mystery with no idea how to solve it, hoping they'd figure it out along the way. When they got to the end and still hadn't figured it out, they simply ... opted out of solving it.)

Now, if you want a normal viewing experience out of this show, watch to the end of the next-to-last episode, close your browser window, and have imagination adventures about how you think all the mysteries should resolve. But you're not going to. You are going to continue on to that last episode, and you are going to realize that nothing I could have said here could possibly have prepared you for this. And somewhere, I am going to feel the urge to cackle wickedly and not even know why. Except I'll know why. We'll both know why.

Want to watch this hot mess?

That baby's an iQiyi exclusive! But you can watch the first episode on YouTube, if you feel like getting a taste that way.

Look, I know I may have spoiled my pitch somewhat with that last selling point. After all, why would you bother watching a series if you know it has a shit ending?

I refute your objection thus: Knowing it has a shit ending changes the whole game, because it removes the feeling of betrayal that hits upon your discovering that the ending isn’t what you wanted. You know that already now, so there can be no betrayal. The ending goes from being an unpleasant surprise to being exactly the unexpected thing that you expected. With that in mind, you can dive right in (ha ha) knowing that you’ll never get the closure you crave, and therefore whatever you make up along the way is perfectly valid.

This is obviously a turnoff if you prefer shows that are like seeing someone start a magic trick, perform it without breaking a sweat, and walk off calmly, leaving you wondering how on earth they accomplished such an amazing thing. Think of this more as someone starting a magic trick, accidentally letting the rabbit fall out of their hat, saying “I meant to do that!�� like thirty times, and suddenly vanishing through a trapdoor, leaving you wondering what the trick was even supposed to be in the first place — but they were really good-looking and well-dressed, so at least whatever they were doing was nice to look at while it was happening.

See? They're having fun.

#psych-hunter #心宅猎人 #house haunters #i made this #rec post #please watch this and then write more fic for it #I have a very selfish agenda here

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lady-october · 10 months ago

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Pairing : Oli Sykes x Female Assistant Genre : Romance, Smut (18+ Only) Previous Chapters : 1-9 on Archive of Our Own

Story Content : 18+, Smut, Drama, Choking, Power dynamics, Romance, Dom/Sub, Sadism/Masochism, Mentions of addiction & self harm, Degradation, Praise kink, Exhibitionism, Breath play, Dirty talk.

Summary :

“Don’t you see what a dangerous game you’re playing? Why did you have to look so fucking delicious tonight, I couldn’t stop undressing you in my mind, thinking of all the twisted things I want to do to you.” She had only worked on the touring team for three weeks, but her mind had been hijacked by dirty thoughts of a man she barely even talked to. Sure, he was very attractive, but were there other reasons she was so uncontrollably drawn to him? This is a filthy story of pain, self discovery, and love.

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Chapter 10: Tear me to pieces, sell me for parts

Chapter title is lyrics from "Doomed"

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The soft whirring of a vacuum could be heard in the distance as I came to. I pried my eyes open to see sun beams painting the walls in shades of warm yellow through the gaps of the hotel room curtains.

Then a couple of things happened in quick succession.

I noticed the warm body nestled into me from behind, and the arm so lovingly wrapped around me, which I was holding onto just as affectionately. Aside from my mouth feeling like I’d had a serving of sand for breakfast, I couldn’t have been more comfortable.

As I was laying there, trying to simply relax for once, the memories from last night began to swim back to me; Oli’s attempt at making me jealous, me actually becoming jealous – which was a whole other can of worms that required dealing with at some point – and of course, the sex.

Unease settled in as I knew I’d have to confess the choking went too far, although this morning didn’t seem like the right time.

In the back of my mind I knew that no time would probably ever feel like the right time, but I pushed that aside.

So much for relaxing.

As my mind was roaming, I had mindlessly let my eyes roam as well, and after a couple of seconds it became obvious that I wasn’t currently in Oli’s room, but my own. I frowned, realising I couldn’t remember how we ended up here. It also occurred to me that because I was already in my room, I didn’t even have the option to slip out unnoticed this morning.

I felt the seeds of panic begin to grow in my gut, but I firmly decided to push them aside with the rest of things I didn’t want to think about right now.

Which was becoming a frighteningly long list of things.

Before I chickened out, knowing I couldn’t keep ignoring him forever, I made the rash decision to let my hand caress his arm, gently testing if he was awake. As my fingers traced the patterns on his skin, my gaze followed, causing me to look down and make yet another discovery.

Am I naked?

I didn’t get a single moment to sit with that thought as he immediately spoke up from behind.

“Morning, love.”

His tone was low and relaxed, yet alert; he must have been awake already.

Crap, what now?

Wishing I’d taken just a second to figure out how to behave this morning before seeing if he was awake, especially considering I couldn’t remember big parts of the night, I did the only thing that came to mind; make smalltalk.

“How did you sleep?” My dry throat strained to get the words out.

“Some nightmares, hope I didn’t wake you.”

As he spoke he removed the arm I had been caressing in order to push the hair away from my shoulder and gently kiss the sore skin there. The emotional discomfort I was experiencing faded, instead being replaced with embers of desire.

“No, I was out cold.” I answered with a grin.

I let myself roll onto my back to face him, and I was met by large hazel eyes, framed by the remnants of eyeliner from the concert, looking down at me. His hair was unusually tousled, his face more stubbly than most days, yet all of this just made him look even more beautiful in the warm glow of the morning light.

As he was scanning my face his relaxed expression shifted to contain hints of sadness.

“Really bad nightmares then?” I asked vaguely, not wanting to pry in case it was a sore subject for him.

I placed my hands on his chest to feel him, to comfort him, as he broke eye contact and let an awkward smile appear on his features. I was about to speak up, tell him that it’s alright, we don’t need to talk about it, when everything started to seem just that tad bit too familiar.

My hands on his chest, me looking up at him, his nervous expression…

Before I knew it the memories hit me with the force of a tsunami, and I was immediately transported back to the crisp night air, leaning against the outer wall of the hotel. His words swimming around my head in one big jumbled mess; his reasons for almost relapsing our first night together, how negatively he views himself, and of course – how he feels about me.

‘I think I’m falling for you, Alice.’

I swallowed, noticing my nails digging into his chest.

Whatever seeds of panic I had managed to push to the side was back, and multiplying at an alarming rate.

He looked down at my hands, then back at me with a deep frown. My panic must have been written all over my face cause he started to pull away.

“I think it’s time for me to get going.” He said coldly, before he sat up and bent over to collect his trousers, slipping into them. I found myself grabbing wordlessly for him as he was getting ready to leave, but to no avail. He was clearly in a rush as he didn’t even bother to slip his shirt on, instead flinging it over his shoulder, taking long strides towards the door.

More panic was building in my chest; a mixture of the memories of his words, but also because him leaving now felt inexplicitly horrible, and I couldn’t just let it happen.

So I shot up into a sitting position and yelled after him, “Wait!”

He stopped, looking back at me. There was so much hurt in his eyes, causing an ache in my own chest merely from the sight of him.

But at least he’d stopped.

I scrambled to think of anything to say, or do.

Then it hit me.

Feeling awkward about being completely naked considering the current situation, I still decided to get out of bed and walk up to him. He watched me with intense curiosity during every step, only adding to how extremely, painfully aware I was of the fact that I wasn’t wearing anything at all.

Pushing through, I positioned myself in front of him, and demanded what I wanted.

“Give me your phone.” I said boldly, trying to forget about my state.

His head tilted to the side, faint signs of the same playfulness from last night flickered across his features, “Why?”

“Cause I said so.” I retorted, a lot more shyly this time.

He squinted at me for a moment, then his gaze dropped to my body – just for a second – but it was enough to make me squirm. Thankfully he didn’t let me suffer for long, as he finally reached into his pocket to retrieve his phone, and handed it to me.

I took it off of him in a hurry, only to realise it was locked.

Of course it was.

When I looked back up at him he was fighting a smile, obviously trying to make this simple task as difficult for me as possible .

Sighing, I handed it back to him, “Unlock it.” I said, hoping he’d simply do it. I tried to muster up the same boldness from earlier, but it fell short.

He inclined his head slightly, causing his eyes to darken as he asked, “Demanding, aren’t we?”

He didn’t break eye contact as he took the phone back. I thought I’d won, but alas.

“Say please.”

While laid back and teasing, the words were an order, making my attempts at boldness sound pathetic.

I looked up at him, pleading as I spoke, moreso to end my suffering at this point than to get my way.

“Please.” I said softly.

He held my gaze for a moment longer, and I could tell something in him relaxed and gave in, then he proceeded to unlock the phone and place it in the palm of my hand.

Wasting no time, I went straight to his contacts, adding myself in a hurry and sent myself a single period – both to double check that I’d key’d everything in correctly, but also so I’d have his number saved. I heard my phone vibrate from across the room, then I left the chat open and handed the phone back to him.

“At least this way we can chat whenever we want.” I said quietly, folding my arms – both to cover myself out of discomfort, but also because I was feeling unsure about my gesture. My hope was that it showed I cared on some level, despite being overwhelmed by his confessions from last night.

The phone disappeared into his pocket, “Alright, thanks.” He said with a smile, but I couldn’t tell if it was forced or not.

In fact, he was significantly harder to read than usual.

I nervously smiled back at him before he continued towards the exit.

Right before he left he shot me one last sly glance.

“Clothes don’t do you justice, love.” He said with a much more genuine smile, causing my nerves to ease, and my own smile to soften.

Sadly my gesture hadn’t been as effective as I hoped.

After barely having enough time to shower and get ready, it was time to checkout and get going. When everyone had gotten on the bus and we were ready to set off, I couldn’t help but feel disappointment over the fact that Oli had positioned himself as far away from me as possible, and avoided eye contact while doing so.

I stared at the open chat on my phone as Liam pulled out of the hotel parking lot, wondering if I should message him, realising I didn’t know what to say.

Do I ask if he’s okay? No, I knew he wasn’t. Also if he wanted to talk about it he would have done that this morning instead of leaving in a hurry.

I could send him a stupid meme, or some of the hilarious fan art I’d been collecting over the past weeks, one of which depicting the band members as different dairy products – somehow turned sexual.

Yet something so light-hearted felt inappropriate, almost as if I was overlooking his pain and trying to sweep it under the rug.

Frowning, I put my phone away for now, feeling defeated.

Hours passed and the city scenery turned into desert landscapes. Oli hadn’t said a word to me, either via text or in person, and I was growing increasingly impatient. I had managed to position myself across from him again after many attempts at offering the guys snacks and drinks hoping he would speak up, but to no avail. I had even attempted to join in on the conversations, something I very rarely did unless directly spoken to, but only the other band members had responded to me.

When everything else failed I instead tried to stare at him less, attempting to stay sane, knowing looking at him only caused me to spiral further, but muscle memory took over and I found myself stealing the usual glances.

And of course he looked as hot as ever.

While still casual, he appeared slightly more dressed up than the first day on the bus. A grey sleeveless shirt adorned with some satanic looking symbol, paired with ripped black jeans. But it was his hair that made him look a bit more put together, as whatever product he’d put in it caused his curls to cascade more controlled and defined as they framed his face.

Meanwhile I felt like a slob. Bare face, more tour merch, and some simple shorts. Knowing that comfort and practicality had to come first as we were spending at least two nights on the bus.

I was staring with contempt at the stupid, lonesome period I sent from Oli’s phone, when Liam spoke up from the driver's seat, “There’s a diner up ahead we can stop at, they have some incredible pancakes if you guys want to stop for a while.”

After having been cramped up on the bus all day, only having had random snacks, everyone agreed they could use a hot meal and stretch their legs.

Or so I thought, but as we started filtering out of the bus I heard Oli speak up behind me. I turned around to see him holding Lee's arm, having stopped him to talk, “Bring me back some pancakes, will ya? Slept absolutely horrid, think I’ll have a quick nap.”

“Sure mate.” Lee responded casually.

I saw a chance to get him alone, and I pounced, “I’ll get them for you!” I said in a hurry, only just catching Oli’s look of disapproval before turning on my heels and evacuating the vehicle.

I tried not to be alarmed over the fact that I had made yet another rash decision, but adrenaline was hitting me as we were walking into the diner, causing my mind to run in circles, filling it with every thought imaginable, which was about as useful as having no thoughts at all.

A bell chimed as we stepped through the doors. It was a charming little place, everything painted in bright retro colours, and smelled like heaven. Everyone ordered too much food for any one person, and I got myself and Oli some coffee and a container of pancakes each.

As I was about to leave with my order, hoping no one would notice the fact that Oli hadn’t wanted his order until we were all heading back, Liam stopped me.

“I’ll keep the lads here as long as I can, which I’m sure won't be hard since we’ve been on that bus all day – and isn’t this just the most adorable place?” He asked, moreso as a comment than a question, because he continued before I could get a word in, “but will you please use at least some of the time to actually talk to him?”

I squinted at him, realising Liam once again knew entirely too much, “Don’t worry, I will.”

And for once I actually intended to talk to him. The problem was I didn’t have a single clue what to say, my mind having gone uncomfortably and unfortunately blank. All I was certain of was that I wanted us to move past this as quickly and pain-free as possible.

A confusing concoction of fear was stirring inside me; a mixture of so many emotions I didn't know where to start untangling them, so I took one last deep breath, as if attempting to exhale the fears, before stepping back onto the bus.

Unsurprisingly he had not gone for a nap, instead he was sitting on the sofa, his attention entirely on his phone. All the lights were off in the bus, but the sun was still high in the sky, shining brightly through the windscreen causing the light to bounce off of every surface, painting the interior in similar warm shades as the hotel room this morning.

Before taking a seat I decided to press the button to both close and lock the bus door – just in case, then I placed his coffee and pancakes on the little table next to the sofa, and sat down across from him.

Wordlessly, he opened the pancake container, grabbed a pancake with his bare hands and took a large bite, his attention immediately returning to his phone, making it very apparent he had no intention of speaking to me.

Bastard.

So I took a sip of my coffee, and purely out of frustration, I gave in and broke the unbearable silence.

“Stop ignoring me.”

Direct and to the point, but maybe with a bit more attitude than I had wanted.

“I’m not.” He responded casually, taking another bite.

Annoyed with his response, I retorted with evidence proving the contrary, “You haven’t messaged me all day.”

“Neither have you.”

I felt the pressure of frustration building inside me, threatening to reach some type of boiling point. Realising that I didn’t have the words in me to correct this, I decided to try action.

I got up from my chair and walked up to him, stopping right by his feet.

Angrily, he glared up at me and threw the remainder of the pancake back into the container.

Knowing this might be a terrible idea, out of desperation, I decided to go through with my plan regardless of his anger.

So I began straddling him.

And to my surprise, he let me.

While he never stopped glaring at me, I could thankfully feel his hand slide up my thigh, disappearing under the fabric of my shorts to cup my bare ass.

“I didn’t stay on the bus to do this, Alice.” The anger on his face was seeping into the tone of his words, but I wasn’t going to get discouraged just yet. I needed to get out of this stalemate between us as badly as I needed air at this point.

“Do you want me to stop?” I said as I leaned forward to kiss his neck, where it appeared the source of his wonderful scent lingered, instantly igniting a flame in me.

I felt his fingers dig into the softness of my behind in response.

“Do you remember everything I told you last night, outside the hotel?”

Tension spread through my body at his question, but I was intent on not letting it show.

“I do.” I responded casually between kisses.

“Are you scared?”

My tension multiplied, but I managed to keep myself in check as I responded, “Yes.”

While my reaction to the question was dishonest, there was no need for my answer to be, as he already knew about my fears.

“Do you still trust me, after all the shit I pulled last night?”

With each question I felt increasingly cornered, and despite being sure about my answers, I couldn’t shake the feeling that they weren’t enough.

“Yes.”

A beat passed as I continued kissing his neck.

“I don’t believe you.”

My eyebrows knotted into a frown before I leaned back to look at him in disbelief at his statement.

“Fuck you.” While my words were harsh, they came casually, moreso to punctuate that his statement was absurd.

Suddenly his hand was at my throat, gripping me painfully like many times before, causing my nails to dig into his shoulders, the fabric there creasing and bunshing.

“You lied to me last night, doesn’t show a lot of trust, does it?”

His tone was unchanged from his previous questions, but his eyes were ablaze, staring intensely into mine as he held me in his vision. The action made it extremely obvious he was referring to my response to the choking last night; how I’d falsely told him it wasn’t too much.

Only a couple of seconds passed before his grip loosened substantially, causing me to relax as the pain fell away. But he kept his hand there, possessively holding my neck, clearly expecting answers.

I didn’t know what to respond since I didn’t quite understand why I’d lied myself, beyond feeling like it would prove some unspoken point about us.

Which I really didn’t like.

So instead of answering, I decided to resort to my own interrogation.

“Then why did you push me that far?” I asked awkwardly, his strong hand on my neck stopping me from opening my mouth fully as I spoke.

Both his hand and eyes relaxed at my question, his thumb began gently tracing my jawline slowly as he spoke, “Because you claim the most dangerous mistake you made the past decade was not taking any risks...” His eyes fell to my lips, then to my neck, ”So you’ve decided to let me do anything to your body, no matter how dangerous. That’s not taking a risk, love. It’s just being bloody stupid.”

I felt another frown appearing on my features. I was about to speak up, but he pulled me towards him, kissing my neck with the same tenderness he’d been tracing my jawline with, fanning the flames of the fire building inside me, making my hand slip into his softer than usual hair.

I could feel my body wanting to give up on this conversation, to start grinding my hips down on him and demand more, when he pulled away.

His eyes met mine and I saw the same desperation I was experiencing inside them, but there was also sadness there as he placed his hand on my chest, splaying his fingers.

“...Yet, when it comes to your heart, that’s off limits, innit?” He asked softly, the visible desperation turning significantly more emotional.

My words came even softer than his, his sadness echoing inside me, “I never said that.”

His hand on my chest fell away, “Well, is it?”

While scrambling inside my head, and my heart, for any type of answers I could offer him, I could feel my face contorting and straining along with me. After a moment of watching me struggling to provide him with as much as a noise, he spoke up.

“I’m not asking for your fucking hand in marriage, I’m not even asking you on a date. I just want to know if I even stand a chance here, or if you never see this going any further than this. Cause if it’s the latter, if you already know you only want sex from me, regardless of how brilliant it is…” A sombre grin made a quick appearance before falling away again as he continued, “I’m gonna need us to stop.”

While I hated the thought of stopping more than I could express, I felt a lot of sympathy for him, and the last thing I wanted to do was to cause him more suffering than I already had. But the truth is I needed more time; time to sort through the neglected mess inside me that consisted of more questions than answers.

With that knowledge, do I just turn him down now in order to potentially cause him less damage in the long run?

A wave of pain washed over me at the thought, causing me to recoil from the idea.

He must have seen it on my face, as the same pain was mirrored on him, painted all over him. Even the pattern his fingers mindlessly trailed on my back was dripping in hurt and longing.

“Do you remember our conversation on the plane, when I told you I’d destroy you if we kept going?” He asked, sounding almost close to tears.

I nodded.

“Since the reverse is a bit more likely, I need you to know that if you’re gonna destroy me, I’d much prefer if you did it sooner rather than later.” He said, giving me a dejected smile.

My heart ached at his words.

“I can’t tell you how badly I want to give you answers, but I’m… I want to say confused, but I don’t feel like that’s a strong enough descriptor.”

He searched my face, his fingers brushing away a loose lock of hair from my cheek.

“Confused, or scared, love?” He asked, referring to the fears I had expressed to him the other night, regarding having something – anything – worth losing.

“I really wish I knew.” I answered honestly, “Oli, I’m sorry, this is probably the last thing you want to hear, but I could really use some time.”

He huffed out a laugh, “That’s not the last thing I want to hear.”

The smile I gave him was meek, realising the stupidity of what I’d just said.

“And yeah, you can have some time.” He responded with most of the sadness no longer evident on him, leaving me to wonder if he pushed it aside, or if he felt some hope.

I thanked him and started to push off of him, upset but completely understanding of the fact that the sexual delights would have to stop while I figured some things out.

To my surprise he pulled me right back down on him.

I stared at him in confusion, his intense gaze falling to my lips as he spoke.

“...But while I wait, I’m willing to take the risk.”

Then his fingers laced into my hair and pulled me towards him, guiding me in for a kiss so heated I thought I’d combust on the spot.

... Subscribe to the story on Ao3 for future updates

#oli sykes fic #oli sykes #oli sykes fan fiction #bring me the horizon #smut #you got a taste now #Next chapter is almost ready as well ♥#oli sykes x reader

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fruitytrollroll · 11 months ago

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your writing is so good! what's your process? mostly in regards to how you work with drafts and come up with words. are there any tips you'd give to intermediate writers? love your work!

thank you so much for your compliments!! and I'll gladly answer your questions as best I can! ✨️

one resource i can't possibly recommend enough is wordhippo! it's a clean, efficient thesaurus and dictionary website, which organizes synonyms by their individual meanings, and which also has example sentences—which is a HUGE help in figuring out how unfamiliar words get used, and what kinds of sentences they sound best in. depending on the word, some will even have a subcategory of example sentences from "Classical Literature", which does a good job emulating the experience of encountering a new word in the wild, without having to commit to reading an entire book. on the subject of reading, though, English literature from the Romantic through the Victorian eras are a big inspiration for me, and I tend to try to emulate its constructions, figurative language, tone, and sense of drama in my own writing. a Norton anthology of whatever period of literature you're most interested in will serve you well, if you like to read for your writing—they tend to include poetry, essays, and even short stories and plays, with a lot of helpful footnotes and author biographies.

as for "how I work with drafts"... I'll admit I don't quite know how to answer this, because I often just write things straight out from start to finish? I tend to have a strong idea of where I want to go with a piece already when I've started. But I usually start in Google docs, get about a thousand words out, and then share what I have with a few close friends who are anticipating the piece, and who pump me up with compliments letting me know what's working well. :) lately, most of my writing projects are actually a result of having brainstormed with them in the first place, so they tend to have robust insight into my vision, and offer helpful suggestions and commentary (or they "wishlist" things, i.e. by saying, "oh it would be kinda hot if... 👀🔥" and then I'm just like oh damn, true 💖).

When I'm writing alone, though, I just skip to whatever parts of the story I'm most excited to write, and then stitch the resulting pieces together afterward. I always try to be mindful of the fact that if I'm not having fun writing it, it probably won't be fun for my audience to read, so I tend to "zoom out" or summarize moments that I don't think will be as interesting as where I'm ultimately headed (though I try to inject a little character or wordplay or metaphor or foreshadowing or SOMETHING into even these, to treat my reader while we're waiting for the main event to start. they're helpful for setting tone or setting the stage or setting up expectations for the remainder of the piece). As the author, you can always make time pass faster or slower at your convenience, so make good use of that to maintain interest.

To leave with a few brief kernels of advice: mine your dialogue for conflict; have each line in a conversation refer back to the previous statement whenever you can; don't preemptively solve your characters' problems for them with narrative convenience, because conflict can reveal new and interesting facets of a character that would otherwise go unexamined; you can replace a lot of dialogue tags with action instead, or omit them entirely by implying with vocabulary or sequence which character at any given moment is speaking; if you've written yourself into a corner, start over a few paragraphs before you hit the hump, and see if you can take things in a different direction; give new information, revelations, and emotional beats (or "turns", as my playwriting professor called them) space to breathe.

Also, as an erotic romance author, I cannot help but roll out my frequent refrain: get either really horny or really obsessed with something, because that will motivate you to improve like very little else.

I hope that helps! Let me know if I missed anything, and thank you so much for your kind words and your interest in my process! 🥰✨️

#writing #writing advice #my writing #fic writing

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barbatos-sama · 4 months ago

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i don't think i've even told you part of the big conflict in bloodwood other than th two factions split between who wants to win the game and who doesn't, but basically wyatt and hans are kind of the faces of their respective factions (fun because they happen to be life and death, opposites) and they have so much personal drama going on outside of this but it bleeds into the main conflict so much lol. basically hans was raising wyatt for quite a while after wyatt first arrived there and wyatt got attached to hans; as the first parent figure in his life who treated him normal. wyatt was extremely abused so it was super life changing to have a parental figure who loved him and let him eat as much as he wanted and encouraged his gnc behavior. i decided that despite saying hayden and wyatt have always aged normally that's not really true, actually for a while they remained kids longer than they normally would have, so wyatt spent maybe fourish years being the same age while hans parented him and hayden unconsciously followed suit since your mental mindset can affect your aging there. hayden was never as close to hans as wyatt was because hayden viewed him as this guy trying to replace his own parents, even though his parents weren't perfect he still loved them so he didn't like this rando ass guy trying to play mommy and daddy with him yknow. but he understood why wyatt needed hans, it's just sometimes hayden could see the red flags where wyatt couldn't.

the thing about hans is that while at heart he's a good person, he can be toxic in ways he doesn't realize. i think ive mentioned before that he thinks he knows whats best for other people thus he tries to control them, its out of caring for them but it leaves people feeling like he doesn't want them to have agency. hans is very stubborn and set in his ways, and he's prone to superstition (as someone who's very religious) and he tends to view people (especially children) disobeying him as them straying from gods guidance or whatever the fuck. the reason he remains close to seraphine for so long is because they're both very similar but also after nepha died seraphine became sick and weak, and with hans as her caretaker she doesn't really have Room to disagree with him.

it doesn't help that a twist in the story is that during the reign of a previous death piece, nepha had possessed them (death) into doing a whole thing where they rendered lottie unconscious to use her trust piece powers to influence certain other pieces. that's why you don't tend to see me talking about lottie a lot, she's out of commission for a good chunk of the story. she's locked up tight in a stronghold and nobody can get in, and everyone was led to believe it was of her own volition; the trust piece losing her trust in everyone else and retreating to solitude. lottie's powers were affecting both hans and seraphine, strengthening their beliefs to the point of delusion in favor of nepha, which is why they refused to believe wyatt about nepha being evil no matter what he did to the point of it being kind of ridiculous.

so hans' beliefs are very unshakable and he tends to finds excuses for every little thing to validate them. this is why when hans first finds out that wyatt is the death piece (it took a minute since multiple pieces had recently died so they didn't quite know who was who during that period) it changed how hans viewed wyatt quite a bit. at this point it was basically prophecy that every death piece up until that point had killed at least one person (a lot of this had to do with nepha possessing them to do so, but hans doesn't know this obviously) so he begins to believe wyatt is dangerous and is concerned about it. he's basically waiting for wyatt to become this problem child despite wyatt being nothing but obedient and perfect until this point, wanting to be the perfect child to his new parent. it was around this time that nepha tried to possess wyatt but wyatt severed their connection damning her to the afterlife, so of course wyatt tried to tell hans about this and hans wouldn't believe it at all, both due to his inherent bias towards nepha being so perfect during her life, plus the artificial bias created by lottie's powers. this was hans' sign that wyatt was actually becoming the problem he envisioned him being.

sensing the change in hans' behavior towards him, wyatt begins to become more lax about the way he acts, trying less to impress hans and acting more like himself. wyatt was naturally a very timid and quiet child but as he settled into a """normal""" life free of abuse he started trying less hard to be perfect, starting to disobey hans (the piercings for example). he and hayden start going out into the wilds without permission, which to be fair to hans is super dangerous and stupid of them to do, and hans gets more and more paranoid about this problem child who's getting out of control or whatever.

it's around this time that kimberly's brother (GUESS WHO FORGOT HIS NAME AGAINNNNN LMAOOOOO) arrives in the game and he is hans' new golden child. the thing about hans is that he wants to be a parent so bad but is just so bad at it. every kid he's raised over the years has turned their backs on him (and then died for unrelated reasons) so whenever a new teen comes around he latches onto them and tries to be their new mom. the thing is this guy is Really good at being a golden child, and being the justice piece really boosts his resume. as you know wyatt and this guy don't get along at all and end up fighting, and this boy is Actually dangerous and ends up genuinely trying to kill wyatt. wyatt defends himself and ends up using doom for the first time, burning the kid on his face. this is Super it for hans, his suspicions are confirmed that wyatt is dangerous and scary. he doesn't believe wyatt that it was self defense. this leads wyatt to essentially snap, the innocence of a kid who got away from his abuser and had a happy wholesome few years was gone. he came to the conclusion that adults just could not be trusted and that nobody would accept him for who he is. he and hayden ran away into the wilds and when hans tried following them wyatt had a huge burst of power to open up a chasm in the floor which filled with doom, creating a huge river of doom. it officially symbolized the rift between two factions. it was wyatt's first huge burst like this, something that comes from strong emotion that he can't usually do.

wyatt and hayden survived by themselves out in the wild for a while, this is when they started aging again normally. it was hard because there's demons all over and they couldn't even control their powers yet. it's around this time that the previous time and love pieces (who i haven't named yet) are on their own mission to kill the identity piece, one of bubs' precious "incarnations." it's during this time that bubs is almost animalistic in behavior, drenched in rage and constantly uncontrollably shapeshifting into vile looking creatures. the time and love pieces hunt her like an animal, knowing that they can never achieve the unity needed to win the game if identity can't coexist with them. they've used technology left over by a previous fear piece that bubs had killed just before hayden replaced them. they were cuffs that would cancel out bubs super strength, if they could just lock them on her she would be powerless to fight back and they could finally kill her. they didn't view her as human at this point, more like just another demon to kill. they managed to cut off one of bubs' fingers which forced her back into a humanoid form and stunned her, and they managed to force the cuffs on. she was flailing and fighting and as they were ready to kill her, suddenly doom manifested on the chains of the cuffs which dissolved them allowing bubs to fight back. she killed them both then. (these two would be replaced by xun and kimberly some time after.)

understanding that the death piece had killed her, she knew she had principles hardwired in her that she couldn't shake no matter how many incarnations she'd been through: if you help her she helps you. death had just saved her life so she owed him a debt. wyatt knew this, he'd been reading entries kept by a previous memory piece he'd found in the old city created by first fear. there's a lot of old settlements and structures made by old pieces in the wilds, their area of settlement had really shrunk over the years as more of the powerful ones died off. anyway, wyatt, still only 15 at this point, trembling with fear but jaded by his experiences, told bubs that he knew she made deals and that he needed to make a deal with her. she owed him her life so she would protect him and hayden.

bubs was not thrilled by this one bit, she was still an angry mess and now unable to shapeshift. but over time she allowed hayden to reverse engineer the cuffs. it took a Lot of coaxing and domesticating to get bubs to try on the cuffs of course, but once she finally put one on she found it was pretty nice not accidentally breaking anything she touched. she reluctantly helped hayden and wyatt restore first fear's city and she helped them learn how to use their powers and fight. along the way they met friendly demons who began helping the restoration and populated the village.

hans has a lot of regrets about wyatt and wants to see him sometimes, but never allows himself to truly acknowledge that he was wrong. it's not until lottie's influence is severed that hans begins to have his doubts, although his own natural biases still exist, and he retains his belief that he knows what's best for people and states that bubs was a bad influence on him. a lot of wyatt's personality comes from being raised by bubs, which is partially why he ended up kind of mean and standoffish, along side just being jaded from his experiences both in and outside of the game.

it's kind of a cruel twist of fate that wyatt does end up killing someone fulfilling the prophecy, once again in self defense it's the same guy. by this time lottie's influence has been severed but wyatt is just so angry about the whole thing. he snaps at hans screaming "you've been just waiting and waiting eager for me to kill someone to prove you right, well here it fucking is."

i honestly haven't decided whether or not these two actually ever repair their relationship but i'm thinking no. it's funny that they started out so wholesome while i've been churning this in my head for so many years but ive ruined them like this ajdjd also sorry this got so long i didn't think i would just dump a big story bit on you LMAO this is just part of the current canon i've been rechurning over the last year(?)ish.

#i don't even know if i ever said that wyatt and hayden didn't meet outside of the game anymore? did i ever say that?#yeah they don't do that thing where they perform anymore in canon they never leave the game #the circus invites people in but you can't leave #hayden and wyatt met inside the game when they were both like 14 and had a cute baby love story

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staydandy · 2 years ago

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Royal Nirvana (2019) - 鹤唳华亭 - Whump List

List by StayDandy Synopsis : A story that follows Crown Prince Xiao Ding Quan who faces enemies from all sides and falls in love with a maidservant who wants to kill him. He is a son simply yearning for his father's love, wants nothing more than to be a dutiful son and subordinate, but his father, the Emperor, is distant towards him because he is backed by his maternal uncle and the army the latter controls. Meanwhile the Emperor turns a blind eye to his illegitimate son Xiao Ding Tang's ambition to take the throne. Despite the conflicts, the crown prince is a man willing to sacrifice his life and reputation for his country. (MDL)

Whumpee : Crown Prince Xiao Ding Quan played by Luo Jin • Gu Feng'en/Jia Yibo [Ding Quan's maternal cousin] played by Zheng Ye Cheng

Country : 🇨🇳 China Genres : Historical, Psychological, Romance, Family, Political, War, Bromance

Notes : This is a Full Whump List • Even though this drama is quite long, kinda depressing, and only about half whump (tho there's a shit-ton of emotional whump that I didn't note), I still think it's worth the watch. It's really well made and acted! • There are quite a few heart-wrenching moments. Ding Quan is an emotional character (I mean that as a positive note). I felt so sorry for him most the time, & in the few moments where he finally found acceptance or acknowledgment, it's so touching.. but the good moments never seem to last long enough. He's not a perfect character by any means, not above using dirty tricks to reach his goal, but still, I just wanted to give him a big hug by the end of it all. • Episode 60 has an after credit scene that connects it to a 12 episodes Epilogue that was released a few months later called Royal Nirvana Special (2020). Apparently they are episodes that were originally cut from the series. Where I found it to watch it was only subbed up to ep4 (& poorly at that). Still, I did quickly flip through the rest of the episodes. It ends in tragedy, and I decided I won't be making a list for it. Even though the Special does tie up a few loose ends, you can make do without, and if you (like me) want a marginally happy ending I suggest you don't watch it.

Episodes on List : 32 Total Episodes : 60

*Spoilers below*

01 : Xiao Ding Quan is kneeling in the snow to plead to the emperor.. freezing & shivering … collapses forward, supported, carried … [flashback] banging on a door until his knuckles bleed

02 : [flashback] Banging on a door until his knuckles bleed

06 : Jia Yibo is flogged a few times as punishment

07 : Ding Quan's palm is slapped as punishment

13 : Falls off his horse when it is shot, arm hurt (possibly dislocated ?, not explained further)

14 : … continued from previous ep. ... Arm hurt, Jia Yibo slings it for him

15 : [flashback] Ding Quan falling off the horse … [present] pain from his arm

16 : Nightmare … [flashback] falling off the horse … [present] pain in his arm while sleeping … locked up in a carriage wrapped closed with cloth (on the way to being exiled), watches his teacher/father-figure die for him

17 : Drunk, grieving … beats his own hand until it is bleeding

18 : Jia Yibo is drunk

20 : Ding Quan's hands shaking

24 : Jia Yibo is punched

34 : Ding Quan is coughing, has a cold

35 : Knocked out

36 : Coughing, sick … slapped

37 : Kneeling in a hot courtyard … passes out

39 : Whipped until his back is bleeding & collapses, passes out … wounds tended to … wounds pressed on … passes out

40 : Wounds tended to

41 : Palm slapped as punishment … Jia Yibo is tied up … Ding Quan's hand is tended to

42 : Drunk … Jia Yibo is throwing up

46 : Ding Quan is bitten by a caterpillar

47 : (near end) Throwing up after overeating

48 : *not whump : @19:02 he has hiccups 😂, also a result from overeating

49 : (near end) Steps on a piece of broken metal, cutting his foot … hands shaking

50 : (near end) Flogged … carried, unconscious, clothes bloody

51 : … continued from previous ep. ... Wounded, weak, & bedridden … difficulty moving … assisted to walk … bleeding through his clothes … difficulty moving, can't hold a brush to write

54 : Handcuffed … confined … refusing to eat (the subs took a sudden down-turn to google-translate level, just as everything is culminating! .. it really sucks, because they were pretty good up till now)

55 : … continued from previous ep. ... Confined, refusing to eat … Jia Yibo is tied up to a post, weak, dehydrated.. released, given acupuncture treatment … Ding Quan's finger is pricked to draw blood … Jia Yibo is sick … transported by cart … Ding Quan is interrogated, tied to a chair

56 : … continued from previous ep. ... Tied to a chair, interrogated, tortured; bottom of his foot beaten with a thick metal rod

57 : (at end) Jia Yibo is cared for

58 : Ding Quan is still handcuffed & confined … (near end) breaks his fingernail, passes out

60 : (of course the subs get better just in time for the last ep!) … Throws up blood

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foxymoxynoona · 8 months ago

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Hi Foxy, I hope your day is going well! I saw a precious recent ask where you spoke about your story planning process. I'm so so curious about what other direction did you try to figure out for Meadow? Only if you're comfortable with sharing of course.

I also wanted to ask about the Secret Song Series. From your previous asks, am I right to assume you have had that story planned/pre-written for a long time? If so, was it from before you got into BTS meaning it started out with different characters? Are any of your other stories that heavily pre-planned/written as well? Or any other stories you have pre-planned/written that you haven't shared or published?

Sorry for all the questions, I just truly find your writing, work, and dedication to your stories so inspiring and fascinating. I hope you'll be able to continue doing what you love forever! We'll all be here reading. Thank you for sharing your amazing stories with us. 💝

You're humoring me asking all these questions about writing, I really enjoy the topic!

Regarding Meadow: I really wanted it to just be a sweet Korean location drama at first, but Bronwen's history blew up in my face. And then I really wanted them to just settle in Europe together, but they couldn't quite make their peace there (fwiw, JK was supposed to go find her, not go with her in the original plan) and needed the fresh start together in Thailand and by that point I realized I was heading for the big bad ending I kept trying to avoid but I did still cling to hope that actually they would just stay in Thailand and their family would all move there. I just didn't think I could pull off all the political intricacies of the story and also make it make sense when they took over the pack... I'm pretty happy with how it ultimately turned out though and any other ending, I would have known I chickened out because i was scared of the writing.

Regarding Secret Song Series: it was always and only BTS, I started writing in January of 2020 and wrote furiously FOR MY EYES ONLY lmfao until I impulsively decided to start posting it in November 2020. Since I didn't ever plan to share, I just jumped around and wrote whatever I wanted. To be honest though I actually haven't really needed to "fix" things as we go despite it being written out of chronological order. Maybe a few minor things here and there but the story and Sasha and all the people in her life just really formed in my mind pretty clearly. I think I once added up how much I had written before I began posting and it was something insane like 2,000,000+ words... maybe it was even more? I'm sure it's somewhere on this blog lol but it's harder to calculate now that I've filled in so much more as we go. I kind of think of this story as the chronology of me falling in love with BTS though, because I knew even less about them when I started writing it and then as I would learn things in Run BTS or the On comeback happened or things like that, I could jump around in time in the story and weave it in. It's also why sometimes things are "wrong" in the story, it was never meant to be like... real true to life, it was me making up the future, but some meaningful things I've been able to add in as we go as they don't really change anything or even fit the themes really well!

In the beginning a lot of my stories were heavily written before I started posting (Sugar Fairy, Sea of Indigo, I think Lowlander was like 60% done by the time I started post) which helped me post a lot faster. Amended had a lot done too by the time I started posting, maybe like 40%. In contrast, stories like Lone Blue Egg, Tell Me What Changed, To Kill A King, After the Applause --my more recent stories-- are being posted as I write them. That doesn't mean I've posted all my "old" stuff though, even just BTS fics I wrote since 2020... there are a lot LOL. Some of them were 200 pages before I abandoned them. Sometimes I've cannibalized pieces of them for other stories, or they just kind of stalled out, or I just don't think they were unique/different enough from my current stories to bother finishing up.

I genuinely wish I didn't need to make a living and could just write these free little stories for pleasure and sharing for the rest of time. I'm well aware of how rare and crazy it is to have found such an open and supportive group of people who will let me experiment and try new things and be so thoughtful with their feedback. I'm a better writer thanks to all of you, so thank you for your support and interest! <3

#asks #anonymous #my writing #personal

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starseedfxofficial · 2 months ago

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Israel-Lebanon Drama Sends Crude on a Ride: Hidden Opportunities Crude Market Caught in the Middle: Israel, Lebanon & the Golden Rollercoaster Let’s talk about crude oil futures—a market that’s feeling more confused than a trader waking up to a non-coffee Monday. Without any significant energy-specific catalysts, crude was hovering in no-man’s-land, not quite knowing where to go. And just when it seemed there might be some action, geopolitical headlines came in to save (or complicate) the day. Reports noted that Israel and Lebanon are inching towards a potential agreement, sparking a retreat in crude futures. Apparently, the two neighbors are trying to play nice for a bit, and if all goes well, we could see a deal announced within a couple of days. Fingers crossed—or, depending on your market positioning, maybe not? While the crude market is busy being a geopolitical drama, natural gas flows are being chill—literally and figuratively. Nominations for gas flowing into Slovakia from Ukraine and continuing into Austria and the Czech Republic were right in line with the levels seen in previous days. If you’re looking for stability in this turbulent energy sector, this is as stable as it gets—gas is flowing like that perfectly smooth trading plan we all wish we had. But speaking of plans that don’t go smoothly—Iraq’s national grid might need a miracle. Iran’s 15-day halt in gas supply due to maintenance is cutting a hefty 5.5GW from Iraq’s grid, leaving the country scrambling for a backup plan. It's like finding out the key piece of your trading strategy suddenly doesn’t work, and all you’ve got left is a calculator and a lot of hope. Gold & Copper: When You Dip, I Dip, We Dip (Except When We Don’t) Gold had a rough start, with early pressure as the market reacted to Trump's Treasury Secretary pick—a move that saw the shiny metal dip beneath the USD 2,700/oz mark. It was a classic "wrong size shoes" moment for many traders: thinking gold would stabilize, only to find it slip beneath key levels. And yet, as gold often does, it showed resilience, recovering just enough to make us think everything was fine, before giving in to a wave of more aggressive selling. Because why make trading simple when it can be a rollercoaster, right? Meanwhile, copper futures had a bit of a glow-up overnight, enjoying a mild relief rally. It seems copper took one look at the gold drama and decided to sidestep it. But just as copper futures started dreaming of further gains, sentiment in China put a bit of a cap on the upside—kind of like that friend who keeps you from ordering dessert by reminding you of your diet. Copper’s up, but not too up—the market’s keeping it real, and sometimes real isn’t all that glamorous. Hidden Gems & Trading Strategies: Reading Between the Lines Now, if you're still with me, here's where the magic happens. Geopolitical shifts like the potential Israel-Lebanon deal can often signal opportunities if you know where to look. One lesser-known trading technique here involves tracking energy futures in tandem with regional news to catch the ripple effects before they hit mainstream indicators. Think of it like picking up early signals—getting a seat at the poker table before the big players walk in. Let’s take a contrarian stance for a moment. Many traders immediately react to news, causing prices to dip or spike. But experienced traders—the ones with that insider edge—often wait, watching for overreactions. The recent gold dip is a prime example. While many panicked, those who stayed cool waited for recovery signs and jumped back in for the ride. It’s not about catching every move, but about catching the right ones with precision. The Unseen Forces Shaping Energy Futures What many traders overlook is the intricate dance between gas flows, regional stability, and broader market trends. Slovakia’s consistent gas flow from Ukraine might seem like just another piece of data, but it points towards a broader reliability within Europe’s energy dynamics—a hidden stability that savvy traders can leverage. When other energy markets are erratic, having a consistent performer is like holding that ace in a volatile game. Then there's Iraq’s energy shortfall. A dip in Iranian gas supply might seem like bad news, but there’s opportunity here. Reduced output means shifts in energy reliance, and those shifts often create unexpected ripples in neighboring markets. The key is to read between the lines and anticipate where those changes will lead—think of it like finding a secret shortcut that others missed. From Chaos Comes Opportunity The key takeaway today is this: markets are filled with noise, but it’s in the noise that we often find the hidden gems. Whether it's crude adjusting to Middle East tensions, gas flows staying steady, or metals navigating macroeconomic shifts—the insights are there for those willing to dig a little deeper. Remember, trading isn’t just about reacting; it’s about anticipating. And with a bit of humor and a solid strategy, you can turn those confusing Monday mornings into your most profitable days. If you're ready to keep your finger on the pulse of these hidden opportunities, make sure to check out the latest updates at StarseedFX and join a community that's always one step ahead. —————– Image Credits: Cover image at the top is AI-generated Read the full article

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starbuckaroo · 8 months ago

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Ohhh I already replied to the op here, but I hadn’t seen these gems pulled out before and I can’t help but reblog this again! It also made me think about some spec post 7.09 (but I’m putting it under a readmore coz it does sort of veer away a lot from the original point of the post and I don’t want to super derail things)

It’s been going around and around in my head how strange it is that aside from his fit of jealousy and unsanctioned physicality w Eddie during the basketball game, Buck has been surprisingly steady and apparently mentally stable this entire season. Which imho has just not been earned!!

I’ve been trying to figure out a way to make it feel more fair to both Eddie and Buck, wrt their different traumas, and so part of me wants Eddie to break his stuff down now, post 7.09 I want him to maybe have to fight his parents to keep Chris, to prove to himself that despite his fuck-ups, he’s a fucking good dad and a person worthy of figuring himself out, fuck-ups and all. And maybe getting through all of that intact (with Chris ofc it’s shouldn’t need to be said but, well) would release him from enough of his guilt and shame that a queer awakening would be able to blossom through that without too much trouble.

The only thing is that I think for things to go the best for Eddie (and for Chris), Buck needs to be somewhat stable and not super self-centered during this time. Like I think he would show up for them no matter what, he’s demonstrated that, but I wouldn’t want his bullshit to pull focus. So I’m imagining Buck and Tommy going steady through this, and maybe Tommy stepping back in as Eddie’s friend too sometimes to help out. And then whatever the major big drama w Eddie happens and is over, but before any potential coming out for Eddie, I want Buck to hit a snag w Tommy.

Maybe he realizes they’re having issues, but he can’t figure out why bc he could have sworn that this relationship was different enough from all his previous ones that he shouldn’t have had any trouble! Tommy understands his job and his life and also values the 118 as a found family even!! Tommy is accepted by all of his found family! There’s integration there in a way that doesn’t make his relationship feel siloed off from the rest of the important people in his life! Even Chris likes Tommy!! So why are there still problems for him?

Oh yeah maybe it’s just coz of all the rampaging trauma he’s never really addressed.

Idk what the instigating factor would be tbh bc I DO think that Tommy being a firefighter that gets along well w the 118 and also Chris (and Eddie) DOES fix a lot of the issues he may have encountered with previous partners, but it doesn’t change the fact that he hasn’t ever had to be a full adult and fully share his life with a partner before, hasn’t had to deal with conflict or hurt with a partner in a way that doesn’t shut down his own feelings about something or that doesn’t result in him doing some sort of self-harm about it. The way he responds to interpersonal conflicts is still incredibly immature and deeply rooted in his trauma, and I can see that raising hella red flags for Tommy and/or triggering some latent trauma of his own. So I can’t decide if I want to see Tommy fight w him and pull away and watch Buck try to fight to keep the relationship but fucking fail anyway, or to have Tommy make a clean break of it and leave Buck confused to make sense of the pieces left behind.

But either way I think the relationship w Tommy is an important first step toward a healthy partnership w Eddie bc Buck needs to fucking sort his shit out before he goes anywhere near Eddie. Can you fucking imagine if they got together now and Eddie made a new friend again? Or even just like idfk went to hang out w Linda from dispatch or something? Imagine if Buck dealt w his jealousy in any sort of similar fashion, but within the confines of a serious romantic relationship! Especially with Chris involved!!!

No fucking thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah I’m on the buddie train long term absolutely but Buck?? Has not done enough personal growth to earn that spot with Eddie. Not if we are talking also about Eddie needing to figure out his trauma before he’s “allowed” to be with Buck, in any case.

I've been trying to figure out what exactly it is that bothers me about how people talk about an Eddie sexuality arc in comparison to how the bi Buck one is being discussed and I think a lot of it is the tone. Why is it that Buck 'deserves to have a soft, fun time discovering himself' but Eddie 'needs to figure his shit out'? Why does Buck need to have a separate arc* but Eddie's needs to be connected to Buck? There is a very weird undertone in how a lot of people talk about it that is almost malicious, like Eddie should be "punished" for not figuring it out sooner? Eddie is somehow singlehandedly holding his life back and needs to get over himself while Buck needs someone to help him through all his problems (and they are always problems, not issues).

* The funny thing about this is that Buck's sexuality HASN'T been separate from Eddie, like at all.

#personally I also rly enjoy fics where they get together and then encounter their traumas within the relationship and watch how messy and #painful it becomes. but that might be bc I’m into breakup/makeup angsty shit #I Love Manufactured Pain bc you can also manufacture the catharsis and pleasure of FIXING IT #lmao anwyays #I’m sorry for adding all of this onto a very good post. I hope it’s okay in the end.#I do think as a buddie shipper (lol gross) that them dealing w their interpersonal traumas is a closely linked thing #so their queer awakenings or arcs or whatever are also linked but in opposite sort of ways #eddie KNOWS how to be committed to a person while still maintaining his responsibilities but he doesn’t know/trust himself enough #to find the right kind of partner for himself. VS buck is much more sure of himself and much more willing to throw himself into #a relationship with anyone who comes along and is interested without doubting himself BUT he then loses himself in that relationship and #the rest of his life and other important people in it suffer for his mistakes.#I just!!! they are truly so well matched it’s gross and lovely lmfao #anyway that’s how I’m justifying the way I went a little off topic in this post. I do hope that’s alright.#.txt

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bbq-hawks-wings · 2 years ago

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BBQ rambledumps for the first time in a while. Been running D&D.

What's up, my beautiful fellow clowns, how we doing today? I just logged in on desktop mode and saw a new message in my inbox only to discover it's a porn bot and they're sending videos AND strange URLs directly now. YAY!

Thank God, blurring content from users who don't follow you was an actual improvements made to this hellsite after years of fumbling features. Progress is progress.

Anyway, I originally came here intending to write about my Fodlan D&D campaign because I'm due to show some actual creative capacity here for once and prove I haven't completely gelatinized into a lump of depression and exhaustion. So yeah, more nonsense under the cut.

Nice, the icons have been switched around a bit - they're a little easier to read now.

SO! I wanted to two-fold introduce the campaign setting and talk about my players/characters - whom I will be referring to by their characters' names exclusively (except maybe Atlas) - because I'm actually having a blast with it all, and maybe some of you will appreciate the various eccentricities of this gaggle at my table, too.

First, the setting:

I...

LOVE.

FODLAN.

Idegaf about Fire Emblem as a larger franchise or series - this PARTICULAR story is EXACTLY the kind of thing that makes all the happy chemicals in my brain go brrrrrrrrr.

There's drama, political intrigue, romance, deep lore, references to various real-world myths, references to various real-world PEOPLE, repeating thematic motifs, a complex and nuanced look at conflict and war, a complex and nuanced look at religion and history, AND THE OUTFITS ARE SPECTACULAR?!?!?!

And if I kept thinking about it we'd be here all day.

One of the hardest things for me as a very n00b DM is that I know most of the power of the game and enjoyment for my players comes from the world they exist and play in. If I don't have a good grasp of how all the strategic pieces fit together across the map, how am I going to let my players roam and interact with it like it's always been their own idea and not me actually scrambling to slap something together that's satisfying for them while also not completely toppling my campaign?

And here I have not only this entire RPG I adore and already want to know like the back of my hand, that has characters that I delight in mimicking and writing for, that has nearly all the wiki knowledge I could ask for, but I also have the PERFECT excuse to write my Golden Route and let all my little chess pieces live happily ever after somewhere, AND there's a campaign setting already made for 5e!

Is the DM set up to have a good time?

Yes

Absolutely

With my setting chosen, I now had to figure out the various big plot flags to hit that would put it on course for the ending I want. Some big considerations I particularly kept in mind included:

Edelgard MUST start the conflict. There is never a scenario in this multiverse (according to canon obv) where she does not strike first because it's in her character to strike first for both her own survival as well as to protect those she's taken charge of. The second she thinks she has what it takes to confidently take her next move before her opponent the plot lurches forward full speed. This is what predominately sets her apart from Claude who is quite similar about the lengths he's willing to go to win but he's typically much more reactionary while Edel is aggressively preemptive.

If I don't want Edelgard to have all of Fodlan immediately in a standoff for survival that just looks like the other games with the other nations because of the complications that TWSITD throw into the plot, the truth of the Nabataen race HAS to come to light to her before anyone else. That means that she has to know BEFORE she retakes the Empire for her own regime. This means a BIG MESS for the Church of Seiros to deal with start-to-finish over the course of the campaign.

Going along with the previous point, once the true nature of the Church, the Children of the Goddess, and just what ACTUAL Fodlan history is (and remember, Edel hates these people pretending they're divine when they're clearly not, she is NOT putting up with that nonsense), Faerghus is going to be PISSED even if there's complicated feelings about how the nobility came to be, and Claude's scheming will get kicked into overdrive. There's no way I can't see it happening. Even if the Nabateans have FULL support and protection of Edelgard (which they will sooner than later) the bloody history between them and the nobility of the Kingdom will reach a crescendo and the Nabateans will have a LOT to answer for regarding their involvement in Fodlan history.

Where I want it to end is for all of them to overcome Thales and TWSITD with the help of Shez and Byleth. As a result, Sothis will be fully revived, she'll reward and bestow special blessings to the entire cast, and then she'll ascend into the heavens once again - but this time taking her hand of protection off of the world, opening the setting up to "D&D proper" so the players can keep playing in the sandbox they've grown attached to if they want, but they get way more stuff to play with now and we can actually use the core books for more than just basic rules YAY!

With that all set up in the back of our heads, let's introduce our players - all of whom besides Atlas is completely blind to the original plot (MWUAHAHAHAHAHA):

Umbrae: A knight from the Holy Kingdom of Faerghus, Umbrae's father was one of the the victims of the Tragedy of Duscur. Discontent with the ambiguous non-answers that have been found regarding the massacre, Umbrae is on a mission to discover the truth of what happened and why - no matter what sordid secrets may be revealed in the process - so that the chapter of anguish and uncertainty for the nation can come to a close and healing can properly begin.

Godfrey: Originally from the Adrestian Empire, Godfrey was an aimless wandering sell-sword until he met the love of his life, Josephine - a monk of the Church of Seiros whose tender kindness brought light and hope into the lives of those she touched. She joined him with his platoon of fighters during the outbreak of plague in the Kingdom to treat the sick and afflicted along the way; but no good deed goes unpunished. While Godfrey and his men were called away to respond to news of a threat, the camp was attacked by those who feared their involvement was spreading the sickness. Godfrey returned too late to save his wife and unborn child and has since sworn an oath to the Knights of Seiros, now once again aimless in his purpose with nowhere to place his grief and anger except upon the heads of the wicked with the edge of his sword.

Booferd: A lowly thief from the Adrestrian Empire - there's not a lot to Booferd yet because he's only been to the first session and has been stuck studying to keep his GPA up. He's fantastic at this game, though, and I'll make sure he gets the chance to have a great time whenever he can play. He called Balthus "ball-face" in RP and he's going to get inspiration points for that.

Atlas: Hailing from the far-off land of Morfis, Atlas is an escaped experiment victim of TWSITD on a mission to save his fellow victims still trapped back at the lab and wipe the scourge of the Agarthans off the face of the earth. Unlike the Fodlan branches of the Agarthans, this base in Morfis raised humans like lab rats a la The Promised Neverland to simulate and study various conditions and outcomes their human experiments underwent. Atlas, an exceptional subject, escaped and eventually found his way to the docks of Adrestia where Hubert found him - seemingly incomprehensible and insane at first but then deceptively brilliant upon patient inspection. Hubert secretly scooped him off the street before he made more ruckus, cleaned him up and trained him, and then planted the unnerving foreigner into Garreg Mach as his personal mole (because Rhea loves picking up strays) - seemingly unconnected in every way while funneling information, secrets, and the nifty little gadgets he makes to the young man and his emperor who promise him a proper payment for his services.

This post is getting long and I need to get the kids up from their nap. I have more, especially since we're about 4 sessions in, so I'll probably make a new post soon. Feel free to send any ideas on how to tag this.

#she speaks #tag later

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rotationalsymmetry · 4 years ago

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Good morning all. Alternatively, good time of day whatever time of day that is when and where you’re reading this.

I’m going to talk about white supremacy and the Locked Tomb trilogy.

I don’t think this is spoiling much of anything that you can’t pick up from the books’ back covers.

So, the Locked Tomb trilogy is set in the heart of a galaxies-spanning empire which is constantly expanding through military conquest. (And necromancy. Officially these books are somewhere in the fantasy/sci fi/space opera realm, but there’s significant horror elements as well.)

It is also in many ways a dystopian/Crapsack World setting. Not in the planets being colonized, which to my great disappointment we haven’t seen at all, likely exception at the very very end of Harrow the Ninth. But in the very core of the empire.

The protagonist from the first book hadn’t ever had a hot beverage or a hot bath, in spite of living on a cold world, before age 18. The major characters in the first book, most of whom are incredibly privileged within the system they exist in, have lives that are...thin, sparse, with nice things being few and far between. There are quite a lot of images of decay and disrepair. Virtually no one seems to have a significant amount of control over their own life, and pleasure is a thing snatched here and there where you can find it. Relative status does not seem to bring physical comfort with it. Luxuries are things like pieces of actual paper or wood. Food exists, but does not seem to actually taste good.

It is jarring to think about the level of death and destruction that is happening offscreen, on an apparently mind-breaking scale, and then look at the lives of the people who presumably benefit the most from that death, and...their lives are that awful.

But I said I was going to talk about white supremacy.

First, a thing: thinking that a thing is bad and that the overall movement to oppose the thing is good, does not require approving of or agreeing with every aspect of that movement. You can be for trans rights without accepting the transmedicalist idea that having a very broad definition of transgender is harmful; you can be for feminism and also against the sorts of feminisms that argue that trans women aren’t women or that sex work should be abolished.

Racism is bad and the movement for racial justice is good and necessary.

And...there is a substantial segment of the movement for racial justice, I don’t think I have a label for this segment, that is very attached to the idea that white supremacy benefits white people, and that the core of good white allyship is talking about how much you as a white person benefit from white supremacy, and I think that is fundamentally incorrect.

What there is is a history of exploitation and violence and a diversion of resources from people of color to (some, anyways) white people; a pattern of white people getting jobs more easily than black people, getting loans more easily, getting an education more easily, having more economic advantage and overall having more wealth. White privilege is a thing.

(The suffering of people of color under white supremacy is definitely a thing, and framing that suffering primarily in terms of how white people don’t suffer in the same way is weird. I want to assume there’s some reason for it? That people generally know what they’re doing? But it is weird.)

What I am saying is, even with everything about white privilege (economic advantage within a very exploitative and anti-worker system, fictional heroes and leaders that look like you, real life leaders that look like you, the ability to not think about racism most of the time, a much lower chance of getting killed by the police) white people are not actually better off for white supremacy, and indeed it is counterproductive to say that we are.

I don’t think even the white people at the very top of the system are actually better off for the existence of white supremacy, compared to how their lives might be in a more equitable system, just richer.

So when parts of the racial justice movement are acting like a more just world would mean white people have to give things up...I mean, yes, strictly speaking, we have to give up things like “having people with our skin color be the hero all the time”, and having relative advantage within an inherently exploitative system, but that’s so little compared to what we might gain from a less abusive system. Connection and meaning and labor justice and actual safety and...hey, you know how I listed “less likely to die at the hands of a police officer” as privilege, like, yes that is privilege and also I do consider just not having police that routinely kill people to be a viable option here, and I do not think the existence of police actually is net beneficial for me.

(Side note on “police”: If we end up with people who deescalate public fights and walk people home when they feel unsafe and get you your stolen bike back and keep a database of people who have harmed children and so on and we call them police but they don’t kill people or violate people’s autonomy I would consider that very much a win, whereas if we replace police with another group of people called anything else who still harass entire communities and kill people dead, that is not a victory no matter what the new name is. Ditto for replacing sending people to jail with involuntarily committing them to mental institutions.)

(That might seem obvious, but the logical extension is we need to talk about what exactly makes cops bad rather than just saying they are and leaving it at that. I have seen a little exploration of how medicalizing the sorts of things cops get called in for can be problematic, but not much discussion on what exactly were trying to defund or abolish when we talk about abolishing or defunding the police.)

The idea that racial justice should just be rearranging how things are divided in the current system without altering the fundamentally exploitative nature of the system in any way, is just so sad. So limited. And is ignoring the history of how much racism exists entirely to preserve a fundamentally exploitative system.

#political #I don’t know if any of this makes sense actually #but I think I just figured out a big piece of (previous drama that I don’t want to talk about)#incidentally I don’t think this is a issue without relevant nuance #most radical groups I’ve encountered are almost entirely white in spite of existing in racially diverse places #that to me is a sign of those groups missing something very important #it is complicated #racism #white supremacy #leftism #the locked tomb trilogy #all of this also applies and significantly more directly #to the relationship between people in the US #and the rest of the world #like really if we’re going to be fucking with other countries as much as we do someone should benefit #someone should be better off #and yet #it is so senseless #Gideon the ninth #harrow the ninth #long post

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cleave-and-plough · 7 months ago

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well said, ruben's apparent inner conflict seemed like a rich source of tension and drama, but yeah, i guess it was more a result of his rage-spawned emo persona? which could also be a fun idea, but in either case kind of underexplored - like you said, there's a lot that we have to read into here from the finale (e.g. kipperlily being the only person who wasn't killed and resurrected - an interesting reveal/twist that still feels like only a piece of the whole picture)

it's funny you mention the carlos thing because i just watched that this evening lol and i think you're totally right! though 5e can work for mysteries, it can't be too rigid or it's basically just un-interactive, which seems like an issue they ran up against here (e.g. the haunted mordred manor/baron encounter kind of coming out of nowhere due to an unexpected nat 20). this was something that impressed me about mice and murder, which still probably could've benefitted from a different system, but the theater of the mind / funhouse setting made it really conducive to just letting the players run around and figure out pieces in what seemed to be a fairly organic, adaptive order. generally a season i liked a lot, even despite the zoom setting (and the… infamous... ending)

agreed on the good balance of fanservice and independence/development - i think the whole fake triumphant final battle in the premiere really set the tone well for the season's relationship to callbacks, and while i missed them, i understood the choice to make gilear/ayda/aguefort basically AWOL for the season to make room for new NPCs. i'd have liked a little more detail to some of the bad kids' arcs, but the general ideas were solid, and the scope of the plot/this being a third season sort of necessitates them not having huge dramatic journeys on the level of the previous seasons, so all that made sense to me. i absolutelyyyy think a college years thing sounds more appealing than a full senior year season (or i think i've seen people floating the idea of like, jumping ahead to when they're like in their 70s which would also be fun) - either that or like, maybe make it like a 4-episode special? simple, tight, and wrap it up with a bang, calamity-style

seconding the endorsement of WBN but also totally understand your principle - i've had the same thought about prioritizing podcasts using other systems since i want to learn some and demo them with my group (my current project is Eidolon, which also has a great AP featuring the designers). are there any series you've particularly enjoyed that you'd recommend? (besides your streams, of course :) ) the big caveat with WBN is that you have to be psychologically down for intraparty conflict cause they really lean into that at times, and brutally so - otherwise, it's a rich world, almost fantasy novel-like at times, the audio production is great, they don't overuse rolling, and it's nice that it isn't limited by set design… but part of me still wishes it wasn't d&d. they're almost 30 episodes in and i think there have been 5 combats? if that? if that tells you how much they're engaging with the core rules of the system, haha

i've tried naddpod a couple times and bounced off, but more due to life stuff getting in the way than not liking it, and it still sits at the back of my mind as something to return to - do you feel like there are good starting places (besides the very beginning)?

starstruck is so, so good… what a fun mix of a really rich setting, the cast trying out new character types, and a story with enough flexibility that they could push it around without feeling too boxed in, and some truly unforgettable moments (battle of the brands forever, plinth forever). also features one of my favorite d20 quotes of all time - some moment at the Rec Station i think where UTP is questioning gunny and barry, who deny their knowledge of anything the party is doing, and brennan as this very professional npc is very politely like "alright then, thank you for your time, and um… get them? get them." just perfect combo of a archetypal villain line delivered so nonchalantly, it killed me. absolutely one of the best seasons for me too - if the cast were all up for it, i'd love a second season of it (maybe with some new PCs a la unsleeping city 2), but it's also nice as a standalone.

coffin run was a lot of fun, jasmine's aesthetics and presentation ruled, and i really like the short, focused seasons (and izzy and zac's interactions were golden). revisiting bloodkeep has been on my list forever, i think it was actually the first d20 season i tried after getting started with actual play shows via critical role c2 and i just found brennan's energy so intense that i dropped off - very funny to think about that in retrospect now having seen almost every season. totally feel you about ACOFAF (again, there were what, like two combats? why use d&d? the rumors and letters were the best part!) and i likewise wasn't the biggest fan of wuvvy other than when she helped stir the pot - for me it was so much more about the setting and the players' interactions than the big picture story for sure.

i'm unfortunately in the other camp for crown of candy, haha - there's so much to like and some truly iconic moments to be sure, but following up on the thread of like, the series' strength tends to be comedy, i think the comedy wasn't enough (for me) to balance out the atmosphere of like, continual dread and the players seemingly slowly getting ground down by it. i'd actually say i found it more psychologically gruelling than neverafter, weirdly enough. but that said, i'm glad they did it for the same reason i'm glad they did starstruck - branching out and pushing themselves to find new modes, and how can i turn away from the season that gave us "slammed down big style"?

finally finished the season and was curious if you had any thoughts on the junior year finale?

Yes! I watched it when it came out and I'm kind of bad at remembering what happens in shows, haha, but I do have some thoughts (these will probably be more "entire season" thoughts rather than JUST the finale thoughts).

Overall, I really enjoyed this season. It was really funny, and maybe one of the seasons I laughed at the most, and since I view Dimension 20 as a comedy show first, that's a big selling point to me.

I don't know how I feel about the down time mechanic. On the one hand, I think it's the only way they could have done this season, since it seemed like they were pretty set on it taking the whole year. On the other hand, there were quite a few rolls that Brennan said we'd come back to that I don't think were fully addressed (I could be wrong about how many, I'd have to go back and re-watch.) When they first introduced the mechanic, I thought it was basically a way for time to quickly pass while establishing how the school year was going, so each roll wouldn't involve too many scenes or roleplay, which I thought was smart. But then they did involve a ton of scenes and roleplay! So I have mixed feelings.

Similarly, it did feel like some things that could have been fun were underexplored because there was SO much jammed into this season, plot-wise. That's partially the medium of Actual Play, and partially being ambitious with how much they included. I love the idea of character foils or "dark reflections" of characters, and I wish we would have gotten a little more time with the Rat Grinders. We ended with a lot of implications about them, but I kind of wish there would have been a "this is what happened with them exactly" kind of moment. I guess they were all killed by Porter while on an adventure? Maybe I'm forgetting stuff and there was a more clear answer. I'm usually playing Power Wash Simulator while I'm watching Dimension 20 so sometimes I miss things.

Specific finale stuff! Gorgug and Unit and Gorgug and Mary Ann were both so funny. Zac is one of the funniest people alive. Brennan cannot keep his NPCs from flirting with Zac, and Zac cannot say no to a funny bit. I thiiiiink the finale was also the "Say it don't spray it" moment, which was incredible. Murph using Hold Person to take out Kipperlily was great, so tactical, so timely.

Maybe this is an unpopular opinion but I think the finale episode retroactively made the infamous "blimey" moment less funny. I wish Brennan wouldn't have gone back on having K2 destroyed. His rationale was that she actually did have access to Divine Intervention but also he gave advantage on the roll which isn't how the ability works, so I think having K2 be destroyed was fair and also really funny.

I was a little underwhelmed by the Bad Kids reactions to Ankarna's scenes with each of them. It felt like none of them knew exactly what was going on, and even though they had some good character moments, it felt muddled and I wasn't sure what was supposed to happen or honestly even what *did* happen there.

I liked Buddy's new god and Kalina showing up. I don't think she's evil, I think she just knows that Ankarna wants to kill her, so she's hitching her wagon on a new star.

Brennan said something during the final Adventuring Party about how if people would have laughed more at Gilear saying they were getting a dog that Fabian's mom wouldn't have been pregnant, which confirms something I've always thought! Obviously a lot of Dimension 20 is planned in advance because of the sets, but I've always felt like sometimes when things don't make sense it's because they decide something on the fly because it's funny. Even Porter being evil was decided because it would be funny (although that obviously wasn't decided on the fly). It makes sense why sometimes the pacing and plot of the shows are a little weird, because they're actual plays, and they're comedic APs at that. It's kind of heartwarming that it seems like even though they're making a show, they're all mostly just trying to make each other laugh, because if they make each other laugh, it'll probably make the audience laugh too.

Thanks for the ask! There's probably a lot of other stuff I thought that I've forgotten, haha. Would love to hear what you thought of the finale, too!

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krsonmar · 3 years ago

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You're all driving me wiggedy-wack thinking The Slap was the big clue in the Sire episode. You're so close--sooo close!--it's right next to it in that scene!! "Nandor's testing Guillermo hurr durr and his facial expression is him figuring out the hypnosis didn't work huuuurrrmpamcakes"…Nandor might once have been a military strategist, maybe…700 years ago, if his "strategy" wasn't just brute force (his epithet isn't Nandor the Subtle Manipulator, guys)…but these days our adorable himbo is a little more reminiscent of a menopausal church lady who just dropped the casserole she's been slaving over for a week right outside the Bible study group meeting room's doorway than a paragon of stoicism or gravitas, and when he can get up the motivation to rub two neurons together hard enough that they put a dent in his depression inertia, he comes up with stuff like the Doug Peterson hypnosis attempt. He's a dear and I love him to little bitsy pieces, but Ender Wiggin he is not, if he ever was.

The moment there that you need to notice is not Nandor's reaction to The Slap…it's Colin's. Yes, he's feeding off the drama, but in the moment of the attempt to entice The Sire with our favorite thirst-trap vampire-slayer's slick booty-shaking moves, Colin encourages him, "Yeah, Guillermo, shake your money-maker!"

So? What's that got to do with anything?

That, my friends, is a test coming back conclusive. That is a Chekov's gun being fired.

When the vampires think they're hypnotizing Guillermo not to hurt them, right before they finish the spell and break off the connection…Colin adds in that whenever he says Guillermo's name, Guillermo has to meow like a cat. He tests it as soon as Guillermo "wakes up"…and Guillermo plays along and meows to keep the illusion against them all going.

Gun on the mantlepiece.

When The Slap happens, the characters are all too shocked in that instant to put the pieces together…including Nandor, whose blood is not flowing into the head that's on his shoulders at the moment, if you catch my drift. But Colin has always been a little more "with it" than the bloodsuckers, and when he eggs Guillermo on later, he doesn't call him Gizmo…and Guillermo, busy with other things, forgets to meow.

Pow. The gun's been fired.

The interesting thing is that if Colin has indeed purposely tested the efficacy of the hypnosis here, he knows it didn't work…and he appears to keep it to himself. By the time Guillermo himself spills the beans to Nandor during the fight, Colin has conveniently been dead for an episode or so, seemingly taking the secret to his grave. Except, of course, that he doesn't have one, he reincarnates. And with that weird, middle-aged head on an infant's body, too! Which visually suggests some kind of continuity between Colin's lives; is he the same Colin, or a completely blank slate? Does some "essence" remain of his previous self? Or maybe…some memories? Will Colin 2.0 have any recollection that Guillermo is immune to vampiric hypnosis? If so, will he continue keeping that a secret? Why or why not? And if he did have this figured out prior to being rebooted in his meatspace form, why might he have chosen not to say anything? That could go either way: was he keeping that in his back pocket strategically, or out of goals that might not have been self-serving?

Never trust the accountant dude, guys…he keeps all the books and knows where everything does or doesn't add up!

#wwdits #wwdits fx #what we do in the shadows #guillermo de la cruz #colin robinson #the slap #fan theories #fan speculation #wwdits colin robinson

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taestefully-in-luv · 3 years ago

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The Island | KTH (Fourteen)

Summary: You’re just two strangers waking up in a room on a lonely island where a company in the business of love has placed you. They believe that thanks to their in depth research you two are destined soulmates. What happens when your ‘soulmate’ and you want nothing to do with each other but falling in love is the only way to leave?

Pairing: Taehyung x Female reader

Genre: strangers to lovers, very slight enemies to lovers, soulmates au, roommate au, slow burn, fluff, smut, angst, slight crack, and drama.

Word Count: 11.2k

Warnings: swearing, alcohol consumption.

Notes: This chapter took forever for me to write but then suddenly I wrote it very quickly hahaha. Please look forward to the last arc of the story. Enjoy the chapter:) Let me know if you want to be added to the taglist, or send an ask if just want to chat about the stories!:)

Taglist: @ggukkieland @707sblog @peacedreamer14 @dopedreamfireparty @taebae19 @typicalgenzworld @mooniyooni @helenazbmrskai @justinetingball @jpeachytaev @marplest @calling-dips-on-j-hope @lecavivien @fancycollectormoon @mawwnsterr @siredsong @happyhrsme @storms-and-stars-blog @mingi-banana @soeur-de-ame

Previous---Next

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“A long, sweet night.”

“A long, sweet night.” You decide to repeat out loud. “What the fuck does that mean?”

Well, you know what it could mean. But there’s no way, right? You hold your phone close to your face, your features lit up with the dim blue light. Your eyes squint as you read over his text again and again.

You start to feel the crushing weight of his text, his words causing an undeniable pain in your chest. Your heart beginning to become chipped away piece by piece, each letter of his words cutting at it.

“Now you fight.”

Your mother’s words echo in your mind, her words making you grip your phone tightly in your hand. She’s right. If you don’t fight then you’re running away aren’t you? This is the point. This is the point she is talking about, this is the point where if you do nothing you are now a coward.

“You did the work honey.”

Yes, you did. Growth is forever but you’ve come a long way. You think you have done enough. You are enough. You have done so much and you deserve this, you deserve a happy ending. An ending you have worked for.

You sit at your dining room table, your phone in hand still. You finally click it off and set it down onto the wooden table, it lands with a thump but you don’t even flinch. There isn’t currently anything you can say to him. You have no response. You know that was the end of the conversation. But you know this isn’t the end. It can’t be. It won’t be.

You stand from the table and drag your feet towards the living room and head towards the couch. It’s cold when you plop down onto it, the cushion doing nothing to make you feel comforted. A long, sweet night, huh? Well, you don’t want this sweet night to end.

~~~~~~

“y/n you’ve apologized like 8 times already,” Marcus chuckles, “You don’t have to say sorry anymore.”

“I know, I know.” You bring the croissant to your mouth and take a generous bite. “I really didn’t mean to run out on you though.”

It’s early the next morning, you are treating Marcus to breakfast as a way to apologize for running out on him the night before. He’s kind and understanding as usual.

“So you ever really going to explain?” Marcus murmurs as he takes a sip of his coffee.

“Explain?” You peak over the croissant, your eyes finding his. “Explain what?”

“Come on.” He sets the coffee mug down, “Him. Tell me about the guy who…you know, has your heart or whatever.” Marcus looks down at his hands that are firmly gripping the mug, his cheeks turning a nice, soft pink.

“Oh.” You say, “That.”

Your eyes lower until they are set on the floor, you notice little things like the cracks in the tile. You finally bring the croissant back to the plate on the table, it’s half eaten state taunting you.

“Well,” your eyes find Marcus, “That’s a long story.” You admit softly.

“You gave me a very brief explanation the night I asked you out,” Marcus blinks at you, “But I don’t really understand the…depth…I guess you could say.”

“I kind of told you about the island…” That’s where you decide to start, “But I barely got into my trip to Korea.”

“Right.”

“Well, things didn’t go as smoothly as I had wanted.”

“Are you in love y/n?” Marcus turns redder than a ripe tomato. “You don’t have to an—”

“Yes.” You tell him bluntly. “I am.”

Marcus looks taken aback for a moment, his expression slightly surprised until it’s softening.

“I see. Well, it’s not like I didn’t know. But you two aren’t even talking right?”

“Right.” You admit, your breathing picking up just the slightest. “Barely, anyway.”

“He’s an idiot.” Marcus lets the words spill out between his lips.

“Why is that?”

“I just…I wouldn’t ever let…I would never let you go.” Marcus’s blush deepens as he avoids your eyes now. You can’t help but let a small somewhat pitiful smile paint itself on your lips.

“Well…” you bite down on your bottom lip, “It isn’t that easy.”

“Why not?” Marcus shakes his head. “If he really loved you—”

“Sorry Marcus.” You cut in. “But I think you are overstepping a little bit…”

Marcus scrunches his brows together.

“How so?”

“You don’t know the full story or his perspective.” You tell him, your eyes going back to the floor. “I’m not perfect in this.”

“You are perf—”

“No.” you say sternly, your hard eyes going back to his. “I’m not.”

You push the plate forward on the table, the sound of it gliding against the wood making you shiver.

“You just don’t…you don’t know what I put him through…” you say bitterly, “It wasn’t kind of me, I wasn’t perfect, I wasn’t the best, I wasn’t a lot of things. But I have accepted that and moved forward with that.” You tell him honestly.

“Shouldn’t he try harder…if he loves you?” Marcus raises his voice just the slightest, “If.”

“I don’t know how he feels anymore.” You feel yourself grow tired from this conversation, “But it doesn’t change things.”

“Sorry y/n.” Marcus looks down at his hands again. “I shouldn’t…I shouldn’t have brought this up—”

“I talked to him last night.” You blurt out. “I want to see him. I want to try.”

“But why?” Marcus is growing tired as well. It’s clear he isn’t seeing things the way you do.

“Because he’s my soulmate.”

~~~~~~~

You lay on your stomach, the soft feeling of your bed making you feel so warm. Your phone is in your hands as you struggle to press the ‘call’ button. It shouldn’t be such a big deal, it’s just Yuna yet you are having a hard time.

“Come on y/n.” you whisper to yourself. “Come on.”

You nibble on your lips, waiting for your fingers to find the courage to press the god damn button. It shouldn’t be this hard, no. If it’s meant to be it should be easy.

You press the ‘call’ button and wait not so patiently as it rings and rings on speaker. She’s taking too long, you think. Then finally—

“y/n!!!” Yuna exclaims loudly, her voice booming throughout your small room. “What’s up girl!”

“Yuna…” you hesitate to say her name, “Your birthday…two weeks…”

“Yes?” She tilts her head to the side through the camera. “It is?”

“Is that offer still on the table?” you gulp. “For my flight.”

“Huh? You mean to fly you out here for my b-day?”

“Yeah…” You gulp again, “If it’s okay—”

“Wait!” Yuna yells out with an excited smile, “Jiwoo, get over here!!!!”

“Jiwoo is with you too?” You can’t help the small smile. “You should have said something.”

“Jiwoo! y/n wants to come for my birthday!”

“What???” Jiwoo’s voice is heard, “Eh?”

“y/n..” Yuna points the camera at her mouth, her lips curving into a wide smile. “You really want to come here?”

You nod your head eagerly, a timid expression on your face.

“I do. I want to see you and celebrate you, of course…but I also…” your words get quieter and quieter as you speak.

“You want to see him, don’t you?” Yuna asks softly, “I’m rooting for you.”

“Me too!” Jiwoo says with her fist in the air, “You got this!”

“Guys.” You whine cutely, “Thanks.”

You chat with your friends for a little while longer, you tell them all about Taehyung’s song and his words to you through text.

“It’s definitely not the end girl.” Yuna pouts, “You guys still have so much more to give…”

“It sounds like your mom really came through too…” Jiwoo points out, “She makes a good point.”

“Yeah,” you agree easily, “I just have to figure out where Taehyung stands in all of this.” You look down at the duvet that covers your bed. “I’m going to really put myself out there but there is a chance I will be rejected.” You tell them with a softness in your voice. “He is moving forward and that could really mean without me.”

“I hate to admit it but I think you are right.” Jiwoo murmurs, “He’s really put a lot of effort to move past everything.”

“I know.” You bite down on your lip, just hard enough that you feel something. “I know.”

“But don’t lose you momentum girl!” Yuna cheers you on, “He’s going to lose his mind when he sees you.”

“You think so?” You laugh lightly. “I think I might be the one who loses my mind.”

You swing your legs in the air back and forth until you lay them down on your bed. You nibble on your lips again as you think about it, seeing him. “Yeah. I’m going to lose it.” You laugh again.

“He hasn’t RSVP’d to my party yet…I’ll ask him about it this week when we all go out.” Yuna tells you with a tiny smile on her lips. “I won’t say anything about you coming.”

“Thanks…I’ll tell him myself.”

You finally bid farewell to your friends, clicking the end button on your screen and setting your phone down on your cozy bed. You’re really doing this. This is really happening. Does he really believe you two were just ships in the night? Was your time together really just the equivalent of a long, sweet night?

You roll off your bed and head towards your desk, you pull out your rolling chair and take a seat. Your desk is covered in papers from work, your journal, small decorations, a pile of glittery gel pens and a half drank Starbucks drink. It’s kind of a mess. You decide to clean up a bit and then take your journal and a purple glitter pen and start writing.

“Time and timing is everything in this universe. Everything pans out the way it’s meant to…I do believe that. I have to believe that. I have to have that kind of faith. But I can’t just stand by and let the universe do all the work, can I? I should put some level of effort too…right? Is time in my hands?”

You stop writing, the pen staying still, bleeding its purple ink into your paper. Is time in your hands? You bring the pen to your lips and chew on the end, your teeth digging into the plastic.

“Is it?” you repeat out loud.

~~~~~

Wow, you haven’t felt this nervous in a while. Your nerves are absolute killers right now. They are shaking you to your death and throwing you over a cliff, they are slapping you in the face repeatedly, they are making you feel so completely helpless.

Your hand trembles furiously as you hold your stupid phone, your whole body is vibrating in terror. You fly out in the morning and you haven’t told Taehyung that you are going to Korea yet. He has no idea that you two will be breathing the same air soon. You try your hardest to take a few deep breaths but you fall short, your breathing quick and sharp instead.

The boys promised not to say anything and you’re counting on it. Jimin is on the verge of tears from his excitement, he’s been waiting for you to visit for the past year. Jungkook is anticipating your arrival as well, his bunny grin imprinted in your mind when you told them you for sure were going. The rest of the guys cheered and sent you a million texts about how happy they are. Everyone knows about your upcoming arrival…everyone but him.

After staring at his message thread for what seems like an eternity you finally decide to chicken out. You click your phone off and throw it on your sofa, it slides against the cushions and somehow falls between the cracks. But you don’t care. You’re happy your phone is out of sight.

You decide to take a walk in the city, the evening air is brisk and the sky is glowing in pinks and purples. You tug your jean jacket closer together as you walk through a cool breeze, it feels nice actually. Like you can breathe again. Your phone is still lost between your couch cushions and you couldn’t feel happier about it.

You decide to stroll around until you find yourself at Cozy Coffee, the shop making you feel welcomed and at home. You head to the counter and order a latte, the warm drink making you melt into some slightly pathetic puddle. Only pathetic because at the end of the day you know you are just avoiding what you must do. But somehow you approve. You just want to enjoy this evening before your trip to Korea. You have no idea what this trip might hold. You have no idea of the experiences you will encounter. You just really have no idea.

You sip on your latte in the corner of the shop, your mind starting to ease as you down your drink. Are you really prepared for this? Are you ready to face him? To be honest, you haven’t even thought about what you might say…you just know the first step is seeing him. Face to face.

You finally head back to your apartment, the sky now lit up by the illuminating moon, guiding you on your path. You feel relaxed again, the moon giving you peaceful energy. You know this feeling is only temporary so you try to embrace it.

Your apartment is chilly inside, the air matching the air from outside. You head towards the thermostat and turn it up a few degrees. You rub your arms in attempt to warm yourself as you head towards you sofa, you look at it with disdain as you remember your phone hiding in its cushions.

You take a deep breath and lift one of the cushions up and search for the damned thing. Your hand finds it and you throw it on the other side of the sofa as you place the cushion back in its place. You finally take a seat and reach for your phone, you take another deep breath as you click it on, seeing you have a missed called from Jimin and also your mother.

You decide to call your mom first, you video chat her right away, waiting for her to answer.

“Hi sweetie.” Your moms voice comes through your phones speaker. “I tried calling a little while ago.”

“Sorry…” you mumble lamely. “What’s up?”

“I know you leave for your trip tomorrow and just wanted to see how you were doing.”

Your mouth opens a little…like you are going to speak but really it’s just from the pleasant surprise you are feeling from your mothers words. The past couple of weeks you two have been chatting more and more.

“I feel…” you feel your body tense, you try to take a deep breath but it feels mostly impossible. “Mom.” Your bottom lip begins to tremble, “I’m scared.”

“Things like this are scary honey.” She breathes out, her eyes soft and on you. “But you aren’t living life unless you are taking leaps of faith.”

“There is a strong chance he won’t want me.” You tell her, your breaths shaky. “Can I handle that?”

“Honey…” Your mom closes her eyes for a second before they’re back on you. “You can handle anything. I believe that. I know in the past…it might not have seemed that way but you’ve grown so much. You are so strong y/n. And I know you want to make things work…” she pauses as you try to calm your breathing, you are trying not to cry. “But…” your mother continues, “But you are complete on your own too. And you will find some epic love or whatever no matter with who. You deserve it so therefore you will have it.”

“He’s my love, mom.” You finally feel your eyes wet with tears. “He’s been my biggest supporter this whole journey and he doesn’t even know it.”

“Well y/n.” your mom exhales through her nose as she smiles for you, “It sounds like you have an important mission for this trip. I hope you really convey your feelings and most importantly…I hope you listen as well. Really listen. Listen to his thoughts and feelings too and be considerate.” She softly advises you. “Communication really is key.”

“I know…” you sniffle.

“Did you know…” your mother hesitates to continue, she exhales a long breath before setting her lips in a firm line. “Your father and I were close to divorcing around the time you were born.”

“Wait what?” you blink at the screen, feeling caught off guard.

Your mother slowly nods her head and closes her eyes.

“We just…didn’t feel like we were on the same page anymore. I didn’t know what he was thinking anymore and he had no idea what was going on in my mind either.”

You pull your brows together as you listen intently, your mom’s words making you feel a little anxious.

“We just didn’t click anymore, it felt like. We were struggling financially at the time and you were…an unexpected surprise. It truthfully further strained our marriage…” she tells you honestly. “But we loved you so much. It was the only thing holding us together.”

“How did you work things out?” you ask quietly.

“We talked. Really talked. I remember we went out on the patio after we put you girls to sleep and we just finally looked at one another and knew we had to have…you know, an important discussion.” She takes a moment to breathe evenly. “I finally let it all out…I told him about how lonely I had been feeling, I told him how I missed him…he was working a lot you know…I told him I just wasn’t happy anymore.”

You feel your heart ache a bit at her words, you never knew this about your parents.

“He ended up crying…nodding his head over and over and telling me he knows how I feel. Because he was feeling it too. The disconnect was hurting the both of us.”

“I had no idea…” you admit, still sniffling. “You and dad always seemed so…okay, all the time.”

“We didn’t want you girls to ever worry. Your father and I have shared bumps in the road but we found a way to cope. We expressed ourselves honestly, the vulnerability creating a closeness I cannot even begin to describe.”

“So you are saying…me and Taehyung—”

“You need to share everything…really everything. This is how you truly move forward.”

“Thanks for sharing that stuff about you and dad…”

“I want to help any way I can honey.” She smiles a smile you rarely see on her, it brings you automatic comfort. “Get some rest and let me know when you land. Goodnight.”

You agree and say your goodbyes to your mom as you both hang up. You sit on your couch still sniffling as you think deeply about what your mother shared with you.

After a few minutes you decide to clean your face with your sleeve and call Jimin back. The ringing only goes on for a second or two before he’s picking up.

“He isn’t going.” Jimin huffs on the video chat. “Said he isn’t in the mood to party.”

“Huh?” you blink at Jimin a few times before you’re realizing. “Oh.”

“You need to tell him you’re coming then maybe he will change his mind…”

“Yeah y/n!” You hear Jungkook yell over the phone, “tell him already! It’s killing me keeping this from him.”

“Well, first of all, hi guys.” You wave at the camera. “Second…” you chew on your lips. A horrible habit of yours, you know. “I will tell him when I get there.” You mumble.

“Oh my god, are you fucking kidding?” You hear Jungkook groan. “Just do it now.”

“Chill!” Jimin scolds Jungkook, “But he’s kind of got a point y/n…”

“Trust me…just let me tell him when I get there. Also, Jimin.”

“Yeah?”

“You’re sure it’s fine that I stay with you?” you look into his eyes through the camera and you see his thick lips curve into a wonderful grin.

“Of course my bff.”

“I want to stay over here too…” Jungkook grumbles, he finally shows himself on screen. “We can all have like a …slumber party or whatever.” His eyes slide to the side as he grows red with embarrassment.

“A slumber party?” Jimin begins to tease, “What are you, a 12 year old girl?”

“I happen to like the slumber party idea.” You nod your head approvingly.

“Seriously though y/n.” Jungkook’s eyes find yours. “Tell him you’re coming.”

“I will, I will.” You wave him off, “I’ll send a text before I fall asleep or something. Happy?”

“Yeah, a bit.” He smirks at you. “Right, Jimin?”

“Yeah.” Jimin grins again, “I’m really hoping for the best, girl.”

“Me too guys…me too.”

You double check to make sure you’ve packed everything for your week long trip, you then triple check just to be sure. You feel anxious again but somehow you feel okay at the same time. You think the talk you had with your mom kind of helped you.

You had no idea she and your father shared such “bumps in the road” as she had mentioned. Is talking it out really such a magical solution? Will you and Taehyung really be able to share everything…like everything, everything?

You take one huge deep breath as you pull your phone out…you find Taehyung’s name and begin writing your text.

y/n 9:04pm

I’ll be in korea for Yuna’s birthday. Will I see you there?

You quickly click your phone off and toss it to your bed and squeal. Yes, squeal. You finally did it. Now you wait for a response.

It’s 6 am and you are sitting on your flight waiting for takeoff, you stare at your screen as you see the fact that Taehyung read your message several hours ago. He left you on read. You could honestly throw up. You’re anxious all over again.

~~~~~~~

“You belong here!” Jimin is squeezing you so hard it’s almost crushing your very bones. “Just move here already.” He whines into your neck as he continues to embrace you. “Please.”

“My turn…” Jungkook huffs, “I said my turn!”

“Patience, brat.” Jimin teases as he leans away from you, his hands still on your arms. “So how was your flight?”

“You’re really going to try to have a whole conversation with her before I get to hug her? Really dude?” Jungkook shoves Jimin to the side before his arms wrap around you. You return his hug with your own arms circling his tiny waist.

“You missed me, Jungkook?” you inhale his scent, he smells of fresh laundry.

“Whatever.” He grumbles with a toothy grin. “So,” he pulls away from you and gestures you to come inside Jimin’s place. “How was the flight?”

“Long as hell. I’m glad to finally be here.” You walk through, setting your luggage in his walkway. “And I am so damn hungry.”

“Well, we can definitely order some food.” Jimin cheeses, “How does that sound?”

“Sounds perfect.” You take your shoes off and walk further into Jimin’s home. “Smells good in here.” You comment nonchalantly.

“I lit some candles before you got here.” Jimin scratches the back of his neck, “Wasn’t sure if you would like the scent so I blew them out.”

“No, no. I like it.” You find your way into his living room, his black leather sofas taking up much of the space. You find a spot near the window and take a seat.

“So, did you even tell Taehyung? We saw him earlier today and he didn’t say anything so I am assuming you didn’t tell him.” Jungkook says with a serious tone.

“Actually I did.” You pick at your nails, but raise your head as to not look bothered.

“Wait…really? He didn’t say anything?” Jimin questions with the tilt of his head.

“He left me on read.” You say as plainly as possible. “Guess he doesn’t want to see me.”

“He…he left you on…” Jungkook looks over at Jimin, their eyes meeting with curiosity. “But he….?”

“Yup.” You go back to picking at your nails, trying your best once again to look unbothered.

“Well!” Jimin claps his hands together, “What should we eat?”

A few hours pass, night time quickly approaching. You, Jimin and Jungkook wait for Yuna and Jiwoo to arrive at Jimin’s place. You three drinking soju, giggling while resting on the sofas when you hear knocking on Jimin’s front door.

Jimin hurries to answer when you hear the voices of your two friends echoing lightly throughout the place. Yuna appears first, she rushes to your spot on the couch, jumping on you and quickly embracing you. You can’t help but laugh out loud, inhaling her sweet, sweet scent as you two hug one another. Jiwoo joins you both by sitting next to you and wrapping her arms around you.

“H-Hi Jiwoo.” Jungkook quickly stands up when Jimin is coming to his side and nudging his shoulder.

“And Yuna.” He reminds him with his teasing voice.

“Right.” Jungkook clears his throat. “And Yuna. Hi.”

“Hey.” Jiwoo replies cooly, “You guys started drinking without us?”

“You guys took too long!” You slur happily. “We only have had a little, little.” You show her how little with your pointer finger and thumb.

“Sure Miss Drunkie.” Jiwoo laughs, “Yuna I think you can let her breathe now.”

“One more minute!” Yuna rubs her face on your shoulder as she continues to hug you. “Missed my y/n!”

“Yuna!” you giggle. “You have 5 more seconds!”

“Fine.” Yuna pouts dramatically, pulling off you. She sits on your other side and smiles up at you. Her hair is still a pale pink and her eyeshadow is a glittery art work. You look over at Jiwoo with her jet black hair, it’s gotten even longer.

“It’s good to see you guys.” You chirp, “And oh my god, two more days until your birthday!” you point at Yuna excitedly.

“I can’t believe your dad is letting you have your birthday party at the Mondrian.” Jimin takes a seat on the other sofa with Jungkook. “That place is so nice.”

“I’m spoiled.” Yuna sings, “So spoiled!”

“At least she admits it.” Jiwoo deadpans.

You start giggling some more, reaching for another shot of soju. You down it back and smack your lips in satisfaction.

“Yummy!” you sway into Yuna and Jiwoo. “You guys want to play a game?”

“Like what?” Jungkook asks. “I think Hobi said he wants to swing by.”

“Oh! Yay.” You chirp happily, “Can the rest of the guys not make it?”

“We’re meeting with everyone tomorrow Miss impatient.” Jimin takes his own shot of soju.

“But I want to see everyone now.” You jut your lip out. “Jungkook!” you stand up and stumble to where he’s seated. “Call em and tell em to come here. Now.” You plop down next to him. “Pretty please.” You lean into his shoulder and smile for him. Jungkook turns nice and rosy before he’s lightly pushing you away.

“You have to wait y/n.” he reminds you, avoiding your intense gaze.

“Jungkookie.” You whine, “I said pretty please.”

“Wow, she is drunk.” Jiwoo chuckles, “I love it.”

“Same.” Jimin’s eyes turn to crescents as he grins. “She is so…free.” He says quieter, “She’s changed so much.”

“Jungkookie!” You lean into his space again, your big eyes blinking up at him over and over until he’s groaning.

“Fine!” he throws his hands up, “Who should we call first?”

You end up calling the rest of the guys and chatting for a while, your drunken state only worsening. But it’s nothing but a good time. Jimin ends up tucking you in his kind size bed, he brushes the hair out of your face and watches you fondly as you snore in your sleep. He’s so proud of you. Jungkook walks into the bedroom as well and he shares a knowing look with Jimin and Jimin’s smile fades into a frown.

“Want to have a beer on the patio?” Jungkook nods towards outside the room.

“Sure.” Jimin takes one last look at you before he’s leaving you to sleep. Jimin and Jungkook walk past the sofa where Yuna and Jiwoo are knocked out, cuddling each other for warmth. They make their way outside and take their seats on the patios chairs.

“So.” Jungkook pinches his brows together, “He didn’t say anything to us.”

“I know.” Jimin’s frown only deepens. “He’s probably taking his time to process her arrival, you know?”

“Is it that simple?” Jungkook brows pull together even further. “He’s doing so well and maybe he…”

“He just needs time Jungkook. I know him.”

“I know him too Jimin and he acted like she didn’t reach out to him? That’s not…I don’t know, concerning to you?”

Jimin stares straight ahead, bringing his beer to his lips. He takes a few gulps before facing Jungkook.

“Yeah.” He admits. “It is.”

The next morning is horrific, the hangover you have is probably literally killing you. Your head is absolutely pounding and your body feels weak. But you have to admit the sheets in this bed feel amazing so you are tempted to stay here forever—or at least until this killer hangover disappears.

“y/n. It’s like 2pm.” You hear Jungkook’s voice hammer in your ears. “Get up!”

“Nooooooo.” You groggily whine, pulling the sheets up over your head. “Want to stay here forever.”

“Brought you some water girl.” Jimin’s angelic voice is heard, he’s gently pulling the sheets down and exposing your tired as hell face.

“Drink it slowly.” He sweetly advises, “And here’s some pain killers.” He hands you two pills and you eye him up before taking them gratefully.

“Thanks…” you murmur. “Holy hell, soju is no joke.”

“Yeah.” Jungkook laughs. “But you hung in there!”

“Where are Yuna and Jiwoo?” you pop the pills in your mouth and drink back some water. The refreshing beverage already making you feel a little more alive.

“They left hours ago!” Jungkook continues to laugh, “You slept through it.”

“Damn.” You grumble, “Wait!” you suddenly raise your head up. “Aren’t the guys getting here at 3 today?”

“Yes.” Jimin smiles, “So maybe you want to shower….and get ready.”

“O-Okay.” You agree, you pull the sheets back off your body and rise from the bed, the room starts to slightly spin and you whine. “I am not drinking this much ever again!”

“You say that now. But Yuna’s party is open bar so.” Jungkook winks.

You gag just at the thought of drinking more alcohol. You drag your feet towards Jimin’s bathroom and your hand reaches for the shower knob and you turn it on, letting the water warm up.

“Okay, I’ll get ready! You two shoo.”

The shower is exactly what you needed, the warm water making you feel relaxed and comfortable. You’re grateful that Jimin is letting you stay at his place for a whole week…you really wish you saw them more often. You really wish you lived here sometimes.

You admittedly love it here…you enjoy your life back home too, don’t get it wrong but something about this place that feels so fitting.

“Almost done in there?” You hear Jimin softly knock on the bathroom door. “Jin says they’re on the way.”

“Be right out!” you call back out. “Almost done.”

You take a look in the mirror and you think to yourself about how nicely you clean up. You got some ripped jeans and a black long sleeve shirt, some light make up and two clips in your hair. You look cute as hell actually.

“Okay. Time to see my friends.” You give yourself an awkward thumbs up in the mirror before you’re chuckling. “Should I practice my Korean on them?” you ask out loud. Then you nod your head and give yourself another thumbs up before you step out of the bathroom, walk through Jimin’s room and enter the living room.

“About time lady!” Jungkook snickers, “What the hell were you doing in there?”

“You shouldn’t ask a girl that!” Jimin swats Jungkook’s arm. “Feeling better y/n?”

“Loads!” you walk towards them and find a place on the couch. “Are they almost here?”

Suddenly, there’s excessive knocking on the front door. You three whip your heads in the direction and you jump up in delight. You race Jungkook to the door and swing it open and as soon as you do so many arms are reaching out to hold you.

“y/n!!!!” Hobi is the first to wrap his arms around you so tightly, he sways your bodies back and forth. “I missed you so much.” He finally lets go when Jin is automatically pulling you into his chest.

“Your favorite one is here now.” He jokes as he squeezes your smaller body.

“Uh have you guys ever stayed up all night on the phone sharing writing tips for hours? I don’t think so.” You hear Namjoon say teasingly. “Come here you.” He’s dragging your arm until your body is being engulfed by his. “About time you visited.”

“Hey, we don’t have any say on y/n’s timing to come here. What matters is that she is here now.” Yoongi stands to the side, waiting for his turn. “But I would like a hug too.” He smiles that gummy smile and you giggle. You leave Namjoon to give Yoongi a tight embrace, he rocks your bodies back and forth before he’s letting go altogether.

“Good to see you y/n.” he says.

“You too. All of you.” You look at the boys, “You have no idea how much I missed you guys. Talking through the phone just isn’t enough, is it?”

“You could always move here.” Hobi offers with a teasing smile. “But you know that already.”

“She does know that!” Jungkook yells over the chatter. “But she’s a scaredy cat.”

“Hey.” You pout towards Jungkook. “Am not.”

“Then move here.” Jimin gives you his best sly smile, “You can live with me.”

“As tempting as that sounds,” you giggle, walking into the kitchen with the guys following behind you.

“Ah y/n, I think your phone is ringing.” Jin points towards the device on the counter. “Should I answer it?”

You raise your brows and head to the counter to see who is calling. Marcus.

“Oh hold on, let me take this.” You announce to everyone before answering your phone,

“Hello?”

“Hey. Just wanted to check in on you.” You hear Marcus’s raspy voice on the other end. “How is it?”

“Good, good. The flight was good. I’ve just been hanging with everyone. Actually I’m with everyone now…can we talk later?” you mumble into the phone.

“Oh.” Marcus chuckles, “Sure. Call me later?”

“Yeah.” He hears the smile in your voice. “I’ll call you later.” And then you’re quickly hanging up, bringing the phone back to the counter. It’s oddly quiet in the house.

“What?” You ask with big eyes, blinking at everyone. They all give you a curious look before you scoff.

“He’s just a friend.” You say sternly. “So stop whatever ideas your guys are all getting in your silly little heads.”

“Just friends….” Namjoon nods his head slowly. “Right.”

“I’m serious.”

“She’s ‘serious’ mhm.” Jungkook nods his head mockingly. “Right.”

“I am!” you groan, “Seriously.”

“She said they’re just friends, guys.” Yoongi puts a hand on your shoulder, “Right?”

“Right.”

“Right.” Jin nods his head quickly.

“Right.” Hobi gives you a thumbs up before he’s giving you one of his signature grins.

“Well,” Jimin comes up to you and reaches for your hand and squeezing it, “y/n is here guys. Let’s make the most of this week. Tomorrow is Friday, aka Yuna’s extravagant birthday ball and we have a lot of catching up to do.”

~~~~~~~

You lay in bed after a long day of hanging with your friends, your phone up to your face as you stare at the screen that mocks you. He read your message and just…never replied. You are trying your best to feel okay but now that you lay alone you start to feel the loneliness creep up. Does he not want to see you? Is he afraid to see you?

You exit your message threads and go to your photos…you find the selfies from your date and you stare and stare at the screen. He’s so strikingly handsome. You feel your chest tighten as you continue to gaze at the photos, you feel your heart squeeze in your chest. Suddenly there is knocking on the bedroom door and Jimin is walking in…you’re quick to click your phone off and pretend you just weren’t staring at the man you love.

“Hey.” Jimin greets you softly. “You still awake?”

“Yeah…” you turn over to face him, you scoot over and pat the spot next to you and he takes the invitation to slide in the sheets.

“How are you doing?” Jimin asks suddenly, his tone is warm and comforting and you almost burst into tears at his question but instead you clear your throat and nod your head a few times.

“Good.” you lie.

“y/n…” Jimin breathes out slowly, “Really. How are you?” his eyes are full of fucking pity and it’s driving you to feel like a god damn burden.

“I said I’m good.” But your voice cracks, and he’s already pulling you into his chest.

“y/n…” he holds you tight as you try to even out your breathing. “I talked to him today.”

“He’s…” you hiccup, “He’s going to come. I know it.” You say into Jimin’s chest. “I know it. Even if he doesn’t reply to me, he’s going to go to the party.”

“…He…said he isn’t going.” Jimin tells you regretfully. “He seemed pretty serious.”

“No.” you sniffle now, “He’s going.” You feel your eyes sting as you try to blink back growing tears. “He’s going.” You repeat pathetically.

“Okay, okay.” Jimin begins rubbing your back. “Okay.”

“I just need a chance Jimin.” You hiccup again, “A chance to show him that I…” your breathing picks up even more, your sharp breaths concerning Jimin.

“Just relax…” He continues to rub your back, “I’m here.”

“Jimin…” your voice cracks again but this time because of a quiet sob that finally breaks through. “I miss him so much.” You cry.

“I know girl.” His soft voice making you feel comforted. “I’m holding onto hope too.” He tells you, his tender tone only making you cry harder.

“Fuck…” you sob into his chest. “I miss him so fucking much.”

You eventually fall asleep in Jimin’s arms after you spent some time crying it out. Jimin has a hard time knocking out, his mind too busy with thoughts of you and Taehyung.

“You look absolutely gorgeous.” Jimin has stars in his eyes as he looks at you, “Right, Jungkook?” he hits Jungkook’s arm and Jungkook awkwardly clears his throat.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Thanks guys.” You tug on the material over your stomach and frown. “Are you sure though? This dress looks fine on me?”

“Absolutely. Gorgeous.” Jimin repeats. “Stunning.”

“He’s right.” Jungkook shrugs. “You do look nice. Or whatever.”

“Fine, I guess I will have to believe you two. You also look nice.” You gesture towards the two men in suits. “This is about to be super fancy isn’t it?” you pinch your brows together as you chuckle. “Yuna really went all out.” You look up at the building. The Mondrian is a beautiful hotel, very luxurious. You three step through the rotating doors and enter the main building.

“She can go all out when she’s got daddy’s money.” Jungkook big doe eyes look around him, he’s in awe of the hotel, that much is clear.

“Should we find the conference room and find the bar and you know, start drinking?” your eyes scan around, noticing all the people dressed up walking to the elevators. “She said it’s on the 3rd floor right?”

“What happened to no more drinking?” Jungkook nudges your shoulder. “But hell yeah, let’s go.”

“I second that.” Jimin links arms with you and Jungkook, leading the way towards the elevators.

You three find the conference room and your eyes grow twice their size. This room is huge, many tables set up, people dancing to loud music, the bar is poppin with lines of people waiting for a free drink, it’s beyond what you imagined.

“y/n!!!” You hear the high pitched voice of no other than Yuna. She looks so beautiful it actually feels blinding. Her deep green gown, her pale pink hair, her subtle yet gorgeous make up. She looks like a fairy princess. Jiwoo follows closely behind, a bold, blue dress with her hair pinned up. She looks like a model out of a magazine.

“You look amazing.” Yuna points at you, her eyes full of genuine surprise. “Like, what the heck?” she looks you up and down, her hands motioning towards your body.

“This dress is so…” She blinks at you repeatedly, “Do a turn for me!”

You giggle, feeling a bit shy but you do a little twirl. Yuna pretends to faint.

“AND IT’S BACKLESS?! You’re killing me!” she yells out dramatically. “Jiwoo are you seeing this?!” “You do look so pretty.” Jiwoo chuckles. “Yuna, can you ever compliment someone more normally?”

“You like the way I compliment.” Yuna raises her head up. “You know it’s true.”

“You literally pretended to have a heart attack when you saw me tonight.” Jiwoo deadpans, “who does that?”

“Girls who recognize real beauty.” Yuna states matter of fact. “And girl, you are beautiful.”

“Shush.” Jiwoo’s cheeks begin to heat up, you can’t help but giggle at the interaction.

“You both look lovely.” You tell them sincerely. “And happy birthday Yuna.” You lean in for a hug, its tight and quick and you’re pulling away much faster than Yuna’s liking,

“Thanks girl.” She smiles for you. “You really do look so nice y/n…are you hoping to see T—”

“Yuna.” Jiwoo warns, “Let’s get a drink?”

“Yeah, let’s do that.” You say, “Where did Jimin and Jungkook go?” you finally notice they’re absence.

“Probably to their table. With the rest of the guys.” Yuna tells you while she starts leading you girls towards the open bar. “Shots?” She smirks towards you two. “It’s my birthday so you can’t say no.”

“Fine. But you’re trying to kill me.” You laugh, “I’m going easy tonight.”

“One shot.” Yuna pouts cutely, “But you!” She points at Jiwoo. “You have to take two with me.”

“Fine by me.” Jiwoo shrugs. We both know between the two of us, it’s me who’s taking care of you and your drunk ass tonight.”

“Counting on it.” Yuna blows Jiwoo a kiss.

“Ugh, let’s do this.”

You girls wait for the shots, taking them quickly once they’re in your hands. The burn is exactly what you needed to loosen up. You’re nervous tonight. You’re anticipating Taehyung’s arrival. Yes, he never replied to you. Yes, he told Jimin he wasn’t coming. But you feel it in your bones…he’s coming tonight. He wants to see you as bad as you want to see him. At least that’s what you are hoping for.

“You’re too good of a dancer Hobi, I can’t keep up with you!” you whine loud enough for him to hear you over the music.

“You’re doing great!” he tells you, his hands on your waist. “Just move to the music girl!”

“Easier said than done.” You laugh loudly, “Hey, what time is it?”

“Hm..” Hobi lifts his left wrist to look at his watch. “Almost 12.” He tells you.

It’s almost 12? And he’s still not here? No, you know he’s coming. He has to. He will. You feel your chest close in on you, and your heart thumping wildly. You know you’re going to see him tonight. You know it. You excuse yourself and head towards the doors of the conference room. You walk past Jimin who suddenly frowns as he realizes you’re heading out the doors, he tries calling out for you but you ignore him. He doesn’t think Taehyung is going to show up.

But you know.

You stand in the hallway in front of the elevators for who knows how long, you shift from one foot to the other as you wait anxiously. The party is still going hard, but you’ve tuned it all out. The only thing you hear is Taehyung’s deep voice. It plays in your mind, him saying something as simple as your name. You wish you were hearing it for real. You hear the ding of the arriving elevator and go rigid.

The sharp intake of breath your weak body just sucked in has you feeling tense. You knew you were going to see him…you knew this was going to happen but here you are, trying so hard to even out your breathing as you await his arrival. No amount of journaling could calm you, relax you, give you a sense of peace. No amount of alcohol could make you feel looser.

“Jimin just told me…” Yuna catches up to you, out of breath. “y/n…” your name leaves her mouth with pity, “I don’t think he’s going to come.”

“He will.” You say, standing your ground outside the elevator. “He will.”

“At least wait inside…” She gestures towards the conference room, where the party is. “It looks lonely waiting out here.”

Your eyes fall to the tiled floor, the shiny cream colored squares showing a vague reflection of yourself. Maybe it is lonely.

“Okay…” You turn around to face Yuna, a tired smile working itself on your lips. “Let’s dance?”

“Yeah.” She offers a drunk smile.

Then you hear the elevator doors opening, you whip your head in the direction of the doors but inside is only unrecognizable faces.

“Let’s go.” You tell her, trying your best not to feel so disappointed.

You both walk into the room again, the music blaring and the sight of sweaty bodies grinding against one another.

“I need a drink.” You take a deep breath before heading towards the bar. You find yourself downing shot after shot.

“Hey, slow down.” Jungkook’s voice cuts in through the booming music. “Don’t want you to like, throw up.”

“Hey Jungkook…?” You hand him your drink, getting it away from you. “You’re always straight up…”

“Don’t do this.” Jungkook warns you softly, “Not now.”

“Is Taehyung—”

“Is Taehyung…what?” A new voice cuts in, a voice you know all too well. It’s deep, deeper than the fucking ocean. It’s smooth, its charming, You feel your breath get caught in your throat as your ears process the voice they heard. You struggle for a moment, but you finally tilt your head to the side and your eyes narrow at the tall figure.

“Am I what?” he repeats.

Finally, a small gasp leaves your lips as your eyes widen in genuine shock. You knew he would come tonight yet somehow you are as surprised as Jungkook next to you. You don’t notice but Jungkook nods his head towards Taehyung and walks away, leaving you two.

“T-Taehyung…?” you blink over and over, not believing your eyes. “What are you—”

“I’m here to see you.” He tells you bluntly. “And my god woman, you are a sight for sore eyes.” He all but whispers, his expression stiff as he eyes you.

“Taehyung.” You release the shakiest breath as you repeat his name.

“Hi y/n.”

You straighten yourself, trying to show off the fact that you aren’t totally drunk. You look all around the slightly spinning room and search for faces you know. Finally, your eyes lock with Jimin’s. He looks worried but he quickly tries to smile for you. You look panicked to say the least. The room is crowded, loud, hot and sweaty. But all of that fades away when the scent of Taehyung fills your nostrils. You take a second to notice he has stepped forward until he is right in front of you.

“y/n.” he says your name as a command. Your frantic eyes find his and you feel the whole room freeze.

Taehyung studies you, his focused eyes scanning every inch of your body. You watch as he lifts a hand and reaches behind you. Then suddenly you are feeling light fingertips tracing your down your spine. His fingers barely skid across your exposed skin and you slowly close your eyes at the contact. Your breathing slowing as well.

Taehyung’s fingers glide back up your back, his touch so light like he almost wasn’t even touching you. His serious expression beginning to soften as he brings his hand back to his own body.

“This dress is like the one you wore on the island.”

“You like it.” You whisper.

“Yes.” He admits, you two gaze into one another’s eyes until he finally looks off to the side.

“Should we talk?” he asks you, “Or are you too drunk?”

“No, no.” you shake your head, “Let’s talk.”

Taehyung looks you over one last time before nodding his head and turning around to head towards the exit. You gulp as you watch his broad back…you hurry to follow him.

Taehyung glances behind him and he exhales a long breath when he sees you rushing after him, he looks forward again until he’s reaching the elevators.

“Come on.” He gestures towards the open elevators.

You walk quickly, reaching him and the elevator before you’re going inside. He follows you in.

“Taehyung—”

“Wait until we are downstairs.” He cuts you off softly.

“Okay…”

The ride is silent. But your mind is as loud as shrieking ghosts, ghosts that want to haunt and traumatize you. You finally hear the ding, signaling your arrival to the first floor.

“Come on.” He tells you, his voice booming throughout the small space. “Follow me.”

You do as he says, you follow him. Truthfully, you would follow him anywhere. Even to the ends of the Earth.

“Yes, hi.” Taehyung begins speaking to the front desk lady. “I want a room, please.”

Wait, a room? You’d follow him anywhere but a room?

“Taehyung—”

“It’s just so we have privacy.” He assures you, not even looking in your direction.

“It’s expensive…” you slur. “We can just talk outside.”

“It’s fine.” He hands the lady his card, “Which floor?”

“6th floor.” She informs him with a bright smile.

Your eyes find your shoes, somehow they’re more fascinating than anything else suddenly. Then you feel the warmth of Taehyung’s hand wrapping itself around yours, his fingers struggling to intertwine with your own. But then you finally receive the hint and allow him to hold your hand.

“You’re drunk, y/n.” he says, voice laced in disappointment, “I’m sorry for making you wait.” He leads you back to the elevators. You two walk inside and he let’s go of your hand, he runs his fingers through his smooth hair and sighs out in defeat.

“You should just get some sleep.”

“I want to talk.” You slur again, “I have…I have so much to say.”

“We’ll see.” His low voice rumbles. “We’ll see.”

The ride up to the 6th floor is long, but you finally make it out of that small space and stumble towards your room.

Taehyung unlocks the door and you make your way inside…the view is amazing. The city is quite the sight.

“Take your shoes off, I’m sure your feet hurt.” Taehyung loosens up his tie.

“They do.” You admit in a whine.

Taehyung takes a seat on the edge of the made bed and watches you with intense eyes as you get comfortable.

“C’mere.” He pats the spot next to him.

Suddenly you become very shy. You haven’t felt this kind of tension in so long. His eyes boring into every inch of your skin, his eyes trailing along your body and making you feel exposed. Making you feel naked.

“Okay.” You nod your head slowly, “I can do that.” You take your time walking to him, sitting next to him on the bed.

“What is it you want to tell me?” Taehyung gets straight to the point.

“Uh….umm…”

“Words y/n.” he closes his eyes for a brief second, then his sight is back on you. “Why did you want to see me?”

“Taehyung.” Saying his name feels so…exhilarating. You’ve avoided it for so long but now you can say it and it feels like freedom and it tastes so, so sweet on your tongue.

“I don’t know where to start.” You admit. “I didn’t rehearse…”

For the first time tonight Taehyung’s face splits into a small smile as he quietly chuckles.

“Rehearse?”

“Yeah…I didn’t practice what to say.” You slur cutely.

“Just let the words flow naturally.” His eyes light up in slight amusement. “What is it you want to tell me?”

“I miss you.” You blurt out, your hand immediately going to cover your mouth as if you said curse words.

“You miss me?” he repeats your words, “Is that so?”

You slowly lower your hand that covers your mouth and nod your head.

“Yes.” You close your eyes and tilt your head back. “This past year…”

“What about it?”

“This past year I…”

“You?” Taehyung raises a curious brow, “You what?”

“I think I’ve become better.” You slur out your words, “I’m better now.”

“Yeah?” Taehyung asks, his voice low. “I’m happy for you.”

“Taehyung.” You lower your head and open your eyes. They stare straight ahead. “Can we make this work?” your words jumble together as you try to speak. Those last shots sneaking up on you.

“I’ve decided that this conversation is going to have to wait.” Taehyung stands from the bed, “I’m going to get you some water.”

You watch as he walks towards a counter and pours you a glass of water, he comes back and places the cup in your hands. “Drink.” He says softly. “Please.”

“O-Okay.” You bring the cup to your lips, your eyes never leaving his as you gulp back some of the liquid.

“Good girl.” He whispers. “Now, I want you to get some sleep.”

“Are you sleeping with me?” you hiccup.

“No.” he tells you with a tender voice, “But I will stay here until you fall asleep, how about that?”

“Okay….”

Taehyung watches you carefully as you lay down on the bed, your head falling onto the fluffy pillow and your eyes closing almost immediately. He softly groans when you begin snoring only minutes later…his eyes never leaving you.

You’re going to be in Korea? For Yuna’s birthday? Taehyung reads your text like he’s on repeat. He is feeling an array of emotions, he feels good things, bad things, things in the middle. But the bad things…aren’t even very bad. It’s just anxiety…and doubt. Maybe it is that bad.

Taehyung decides not to reply not until he’s talked to his therapist, he wants to thoroughly discuss this over and come to a smart decision. But his heart is fucking fluttering at the thought of seeing you. He really misses you. But are either of you ready to face the other?

The next day Taehyung gets to the old man’s office, waiting patiently outside the door until he gets the signal he can go in. Where does he start? Does he just show the text to his therapist? Does he talk about something else first before nonchalantly bringing you up and this text that is haunting him?

“y/n texted me.” He decides to be straight forward, as usual.

“Ah, really?” the old man peeks at Taehyung through his glasses that rest lowly on his nose. “What did she say?”

“She’s coming here. She asked if she will see me.”

“And will you see her?”

“I…I don’t know.” Taehyung admits between a long breath, “I really don’t know.”

The old man nods his head in quiet understanding, he jots down some notes on his notebook with his pen.

“Taehyung.” The man stops writing his notes to get a look at Taehyung, “What do you want from her? If anything at all.”

“I just want her to live a good life.”

“That’s not what I asked. I asked what you want from her?”

“I don’t know anymore.” He tells the old man, his voice low.

“It’s okay not to know. You don’t have to see her if you aren’t ready, you know?”

“I don’t?” Taehyung asks, but then his lips curve upward like he realizes how silly his question is. “I know.” He nods his head, “But it’s not like I don’t want to see her. I do.”

“Then—”

“But I don’t know how to prepare for that. I don’t know how to face her. What will we even talk about? Why does she want to see me? Is she just being polite because we share the same friends? That she knows she’s bound to run into me? Or is it because she does want to see me? But why? Why?” Taehyung begins to ramble. “Can we coexist? Is this just about coexisting? Is that about us? Her and I? Is this about what we can maybe be? But how do either of us know we are ready for that?”

“Ah, that.” The old man sighs out, taking his glasses off. “I know it may seem like cliché words…but you will just know.”

“You’re right. Those are cliché words.” Taehyung says with a straight face.

“But they are a classic for a reason, you know?” The old man points out with a chuckle. “You will feel it. You will feel it in every fiber of your being of what the right thing to do is. You will feel it. Your bones will tell you. Your heart will tell you. You will realize how simple and easy it is to just know.”

“But I don’t know?”

“Because maybe it isn’t time for you yet to be aware. But the time will come.”

“I think for now…I need time to think. I didn’t have enough time to prepare for this.” Taehyung says honestly. “This is too sudden.”

“You have every right to feel that way.”

“But how does she feel?” Taehyung becomes worried, his soft expression becoming more and more serious.

“We’re here to focus on you.” The old man reminds him gently. “In the end, I believe you will do what you think is best. You will do what you think is right. And coming to those type of conclusions takes time.”

Taehyung sits down in a chair across from the bed, gazing at you as you sleep. He thought seeing you would give him the answers he needs but he’s still lost. It took a lot for him to show up here…it took a lot for him to gather the courage to face you. He thought for sure once he saw you he would know everything. He would feel what to do. But seeing you here only confuses him further. What does he want? What is he ready for? Does he even know you anymore?

Finally, Taehyung stands up from the chair and walks to your side of the bed. He reaches his hand to gently stroke your cheek before he’s leaving the room. Leaving you. He sends a text to Jimin letting him know your room number and that you’re fast asleep. Then he is heading back home.

~~~~

“A movie night?” you tilt your head to the side, “I don’t know…can we just—”

“It’ll be a good way for everyone to unwind from last night’s partying!” Jimin whines, “Please! I promise you can choose the first movie.” He offers with a sweet smile.

“Jimin I don’t know…if I’m up for this after last night…”

“Oh? Didn’t I tell you?” the corner of Jimin’s mouth curves upwards. “He said he was going to come tonight.”

“Huh?”

“Yeah, said he wanted to hang with everyone. Guess that includes you.” Jimin points out knowingly. “You said you guys didn’t really get to talk so maybe…”

“I don’t want to get my hopes up.”

“But you said you were going to give it your all right? This is an opportunity.”

“Oh…” you start pulling at the ends of your hair, “That’s true.”

“So movie night?”

“Movie night.”

You and Jimin clean up his place as you wait for everyone’s arrival. Hobi and Yoongi show up first, then Namjoon and finally Jungkook and Jin. Taehyung still hasn’t shown up and you guys are about to play your first movie. You wonder if he is really coming.

“He’s coming, I just talked to him on the way here.” Jungkook assures you. “Relax.”

“I am relaxed.” You lie, “You relax.”

“He went last night…that’s a good sign, right?”

“I don’t know.” You admit honestly. “We didn’t get to talk.”

Suddenly, you hear the front door unlocking and opening up. You guess he has a key. You freeze on the sofa, you can hear your heartbeat pounding in your ears. He’s here.

“Hey guys.” You hear his deep voice rumble. “I’m here.” He announces but you keep your eyes on the TV. You feel his footsteps get closer and closer, the pitter patter against the wooden floors making you so anxious.

Then you see his figure in your peripherals, he’s standing on the side of the couch, facing you.

“Hi y/n.”

You gulp, your eyes still on the TV when you remind yourself you’re a brave girl. You slowly turn your head to face him, your wide eyes finding his face. His hair is shorter than you remember, still a bit wavy and still dark. He looks so handsome, so mature. He’s got on some comfortable looking pants and a printed button up, his hands in his pockets as he looks down at you.

“Hi.” You squeak.

“Can I sit next to you?” he asks, his low voice barely heard by the others. “If it’s okay…”

“Yeah!” you rush to scoot over, making room for him. “Sit, sit.”

Taehyung gives you a wide boxy grin and nods his head quickly, he takes a seat next to you, his shoulder bumping yours. Fuck, you feel like you’re in middle school. His shoulder is like, fucking heaven or some shit.

“What movie did you guys decide on?”

“I don’t know, something random.” You tell him nervously. “It just started. You haven’t missed much.”

“I don’t think I’ll be paying much attention to the movie anyway.” Taehyung whispers, his warm breath fanning your cheek from how close he is.

“Oh?” you gulp. “Jimin says it’s good though.”

“I’m not really here for the movies, you know?” He leans into you a little bit and you feel a harsh, harsh blush creep up on your heated cheeks. His fingers find your knee and he taps against your jeans. “Can we talk outside?”

“The—The movie….” You whisper, pointing at the screen. “Let’s just watch the movie for now.”

Shit, you haven’t felt this nervous under his gaze in his long. His eyes study you as you watch the film. You can feel his intense gaze. You can feel how he just stares at you from time to time.

You aren’t sure why you are chickening out…maybe because you’re embarrassed about being drunk last night. How you asked if you guys could work on it, but he said he wanted to save this talk for later. It’s just making you more and more nervous.

“This movie is boring.” Jin yawns. “Let’s pause and order some food? Also let’s go to the store and get some beer?”

“Dude yes!” Hobi agrees, “I’ll go. Who wants to come with me?”

“I’ll go with you.” Namjoon raises his hand.

“You’re right I need your muscles to help me.”

“I’ll order the food!” Jimin offers but Jungkook is quick to volunteer as well, something about not trusting Jimin to get all the good meats.

“Sounds good.” Yoongi brings out his phone and starts playing on it.

Taehyung glances over at you and nods towards the patio.

“Shall we?” he begins standing up, he faces you and extends his hand out for you to take. You hesitate but you take it. The warmth of his hand sending tingles all throughout your body, you wonder if he feels it too.

He leads you out to the patio and you both take a seat across from one another. You nervously shake your knee up and down and Taehyung can’t help but chuckle.

“Will you calm down?” He insists, “You’re the one who wanted to talk, remember?”

“I know.” You find his beautiful, brown eyes. “I do.”

“Then talk.” He gestures for you to go on.

“Taehyung.”

“Yes?”

“How has your year been?” this is where you decide to start.

“Hard. Good. Worth it.” He leans back in the chair, “I struggled some days more than others but mostly…really good.”

“Do you think you could…be honest with me? Be open with me?” you nibble on your lips, your knee continues to shake.

“How so?”

“Can you tell me all about your year, what you went through, how you felt. Your feelings in general. Could you do that? With me?”

Taehyung blinks at you in surprise for a few seconds before he is closing his eyes altogether. He leans even further back in his chair and takes a deep breath.

“You want to know me again?” he whispers out. “You want to know me?”

“Yes. And I want you to know me in return.” Your shaking knee finally comes to a stop as you drag your chair closer to his. “I want to…really talk. About everything. I want to understand you. I want…”

“I understand.” Taehyung nods his head before opening his eyes again, they find yours and you’re intimated by his gaze. He observes you for a while, his serious expression making you nervous again.

“What do you want from me?” He asks bluntly. “What is your ultimate goal here?”

“You.” You reply just as straight forward. “I want you.”

“I don’t know.” He says quickly, you feel your heart squeeze in your chest. He doesn’t know?

“I think…” he sighs out, “I don’t think it’s that simple.” And what the old man said is starting to make sense. This is a moment where Taehyung feels it. He feels what the right thing to do is.

“I don’t think we can jump into something like romance, y/n.”

You brows pinch together as you listen to him speak, but you relax your features and nod in understanding,

“Do you want to be friends with me, Taehyung?”

“I think that’s a place we can start.”

#bts #bts smut #bts fluff #bts angst #bts fanfic #taehyung fanfic #taehyung x reader #kim taehyung #taehyung smut #taehyung fluff #taehyung angst #the island chapter 14

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mypoisonedvine · 4 years ago

Text

Love, Theoretically | Sebastian Stan x reader (chapter 10 - FINALE)

series masterlist

series summary: having lost your husband, sister, and best friend all to the same extramarital affair, you ran away to a secluded villa in the Hungarian countryside to write and get a little time away from the life you’d left behind. you were only looking for peace and perhaps some inspiration for your novel, but instead you found an unlikely connection with the immigrant repairman– even though the two of you don’t speak the same language.

word count: 6k

warnings: implied smut, angst, fluff, romcom tropes, lots of swearing, pregnancy mention/minor breeding kink

note: click the asterisk for a hyperlink to a translation when the time comes

Six months later...

“It’s good!” she beamed, setting down the last chunk of pages and taking off her reading glasses. “Oh man, that ending hurt, but it’s really, really good!”

You leaned back into the plush chair and sighed with relief. “You think so?”

“It’s best-seller material,” she assured. “With some editing, of course. God, I can’t believe you were sitting on this for so long.”

“What are the biggest changes you want to make?” you asked.

“Well, I’m thinking we’ll cut the romantic subplot,” she mentioned in passing, like it was no big deal. “It’s distracting.

“Distracing?” you repeated. “Nia, it’s the story. It’s a romance.”

“I thought it was a thriller,” she frowned.

“A romance disguised as a thriller,” you corrected.

“Listen, I get what you mean, but I didn’t get this—” she tapped the nameplate on her desk: ‘NIA BROWN, HEAD PUBLISHER’ in shiny letters— “for nothing. I know what I’m talking about, and I know what your readers want. Violence, gore, drama!”

“It has all that!” you defended. “But it’s all there to talk about the real love he finds in her!”

“What do you mean ‘real love’?” she pressed flatly.

“I mean…” you pondered. “I mean love where you feel like a version of yourself that you actually like. Love where you feel unjudged, no precedents or caveats or back-up plans. Love that fucking hurts because you never wanted to rely on anything or anybody. Love that lives in silence because you don’t even need words.”

She furrowed her brow. “That… sounds nice, I guess, but I don’t think anybody really has that. Everybody needs a back-up plan. Everybody needs words— a writer should know that.”

“Oh my god. Oh my god,” you groaned, your face falling into your hands. “I’m so fucking stupid. Jesus Christ, I’m a moron.”

“What? What’s going on?”

“I had that! I had that, and I let it go! I’m the dumbest bitch on the fucking face of the Earth.”

“Don’t say that,” she soothed, but you were already standing up.

“No, I need to find him,” you decided as you grabbed your coat and briefcase. “I need to go back and try to fix this. I love him, I’ve never— I didn’t know I could love like that, I didn’t know I could be loved like that… oh my god, I need to find him. It isn’t over.”

“It isn’t over?” she repeated incredulously. “You said Michael signed the papers!”

“It’s not Michael,” you rolled your eyes as you stormed out of the office. “It was never Michael.”

You ran into the first telephone box you could find, slamming the door shut as you searched your purse for the business card that probably wasn't even in there.

After a moment, you gasped with delight when you pulled it from a very bottom pocket and began punching in the number as fast as possible with shivering hands, long-distance charges be damned.

“Hello?” the confused voice on the other end answered.

“Mrs. Alberti, hi— does Sebastian still work for you?” you asked hastily.

“No, dear," she sighed, apparently recognizing you by just your voice (and likely your request), "he quit recently, and moved away.”

“Moved?" you repeated with a wrinkled brow. "Where?!”

“I assume back home, sweetheart; to Bucharest.”

“Shit,” you sighed. “Shit!”

“Are you having your ‘run through the airport’ moment, sweetheart?” she realized.

“Yes, I think so— do you have his address?”

“Well, no, but I’ll see what I can find.”

You waited rather impatiently as she shuffled through papers in the background, mumbling to herself as she apparently searched for information that could help you.

“All I’ve got is the address of a previous employer… a carpenter,” she finally explained, breaking the silence. “It was his only reference when he came to work here," she explained.

"Wow, you really did just hire him for his looks," you blurted out.

"He was desperate for work, that boy had nowhere else to go,” she defended.

“Right, well, I guess if that’s my only lead then I’ve gotta go for it,” you decided. “Thank you, Mrs. Alberti.”

“I told you to call me when that book was a hit. Did it happen yet?” she piped up.

“It’s not published yet,” you explained. “It needs some more work… but I think it’s almost ready.”

“I think so, too, dear.”

Learn Romanian in 10 Weeks! A practical language guide.

Week 1, Day 1: Greetings

Hello Salut

Goodbye La revedere

Thank you Mulțumesc

You’re welcome Cu plăcere

Good morning Bună dimineata

Good afternoon Bună ziua

Good evening Bună seara

Good night Noapte bună

You brushed your hair back out of your face with a sigh, turning the page as you mumbled the phrases to yourself. Broken Hungarian and your high school education in Latin were not getting you as far with this as you had been hoping.

How are you? Ce mai faci

I love you Te iubesc

“Te iubesc, te iubesc, te iubesc,” you repeated over and over in a whisper.

Each day you had a new routine: practice Romanian for an hour, check flight prices online (or call the airline), research what you knew about Sebastian and the address Mrs. Alberti had given you, and then get back to practicing Romanian again.

Oh, and occasionally you worked on the edits Nia wanted for your manuscript. You were focusing on the minor changes— grammar errors, rearranging sentences— and putting off her big request for the removal and replacement of the romantic aspects. More than ever, they seemed like the most important thing the book had to offer.

You had a small apartment, just a place to sleep and shower really; much too small to fit everything you’d already taken from Michael’s house (you know, the one that used to be your house) along with what he’d shipped to you that you forgot before. He included a letter in the package as well. You threw it out, unopened.

Truthfully, you never really fully unpacked. As much as you realized you probably should, in order to really feel like you had a real home, you couldn’t bring yourself to empty your suitcases when you knew you’d be packing them again any day now.

You also realized how outrageous this all was. Ignoring the unlikelihood of even finding him in the first place, Sebastian probably wouldn’t want anything to do with you after you broke his heart, left, and then randomly tracked him down after over half a year. But to be totally transparent, you weren’t really doing this to get him back, necessarily. You knew that was probably never going to happen. You were doing this because you needed to try. You needed to go there, and get hurt, and come back knowing you did everything you could: you’d never be able to live with yourself if you did anything less than that.

You couldn’t start your new life until you had put everything else to bed. And if that meant being 100%, painfully certain that you and Sebastian could never be together, then that was just how it needed to be.

After two weeks of looking, there still weren’t any reasonable flights to Bucharest, so you booked another trip by train, figuring you could use the three day trip to brush up on the key Romanian phrases you were going to need as well as prepare your speech.

Yes, your plan was a speech. You didn’t have a back-up plan. You didn’t even have a return ticket back to London yet.

A passage by Yeats came to mind; But I, being poor, have only my dreams. I have spread my dreams under your feet. Tread softly, because you tread on my dreams.

In all your life, you’d never understood before why someone would want to only have their dreams. But now, here you were… and yes, it felt terrifying and vulnerable and uncomfortably naked, but it felt pretty damn good, too.

With a sigh, you scribbled out the last sentence you’d written, tossing the trash paper aside. You looked up out the window at the scenery flying by in a blur, worried that if you didn’t look out from the train every once in a while you’d get motion sickness.

The sun was beginning to set already, the green of hills and trees tinted orange. You only indulged in it for a moment, though, before getting back to this god-forsaken speech you were deadset on finishing before you arrived in Bucharest tomorrow. At first, you’d figured the translating would be the most difficult part… but writing in English wasn’t exactly a piece of cake, either. You had so much to say, and suddenly so few words for any of it.

You’d probably done more editing on this than any of your novels combined; the crumpled up pages spilling out of your wastebasket were proof enough of that.

“And I’m a fucking writer!” you groaned aloud, to no one in particular. “How is anybody else supposed to be able to do this, if I can’t?”

Other people aren’t as emotionally constipated as you, the voice of your inner critic reminded you plainly, making you roll your eyes at yourself.

A rap at your door made you sit up straighter and turn around. A stewardess slid open the frosted glass slightly to give you a friendly smile. “Is everything alright, ma’am?”

Your brows furrowed at the sound of her accent. “Is that a Romanian accent?” you asked.

“Yes, ma’am,” she nodded.

“So you’re fluent in Romanian and English,” you concluded.

“And Portuguese, yes ma’am,” she agreed.

“Could you come in here for a moment and help me translate something?”

She seemed slightly confused at the request but stepped forward, sliding the door most of the way shut behind her. Leaning beside you on the desk, she picked up your handwritten letter and blinked her wide, brown eyes a few times. You felt slightly embarrassed knowing she was reading such intimate thoughts, but that was how it felt the first time someone read anything you wrote so you were pretty much used to it by now.

“I usually ask the passengers what brings them to Bucharest,” she mumbled after a moment. “This is the most interesting thing so far. Am I reading this correctly, that you intend to confess your love to someone you met—” she scanned the page quickly— “during a vacation in Hungary?”

“Yup,” you smiled awkwardly, popping the ‘p’ at the end of the word.

“And he doesn’t speak English?” she assumed; you nodded. “And… you don’t speak Romanian?”

You nodded again, and she breathed in and out quickly, sitting beside you as she stared at the letter.

“I’ve never seen anything like this before,” she explained.

“Sorry for sucking you into the entropic vortex that is my life,” you chuckled.

“I don’t mean to pry,” she sighed, setting the letter down, and you laughed a little internally at the idea that she was worried about prying when she just read the most personal piece of writing you’d ever put to the page, “but do you think this is… enough? I mean, to build a relationship on?”

You just gave her a shrug. “I have no idea. But, you know, I spent my whole life worrying about stuff like that. I dated my husband for seven years before we got married, because I wanted to be sure. I was initially interested in him because he was successful and ambitious, and it made me feel like this was a really secure relationship that I could rely on. I double majored in English and Computer Science because I wanted a more stable career to fall back on in case being a writer didn’t work out, and even though it did, I’ve spent most of my career publishing what I thought people wanted to read instead of what I wanted to write, so I’d have a better shot at a good paycheck. I grew up thinking the best thing I could ever have was security. And now I’m divorced, watching my royalties shrink every month, more insecure in every way than I’ve ever been, and I’m realizing that the choices I made didn’t give me what I wanted. I gave up so much in the name of safety, and I let the one good thing I’d ever found go, so I could go back to being the same person I always was. I’m ready to settle again, if this doesn’t work… I’m ready to accept that this is just the way life goes, and be thankful that I got a taste of the kind of stuff I thought only existed in the sort of books I’d read but never write.”

She swallowed as she looked at you, and you felt your eyes water as you stared out the window towards the dimming scenery one more time, smiling at the sight of a distant village, a church with a steeple, vineyards and farms. Someone’s whole life is in that little town, you imagined, and they’re just watching your train go by like they see every other day.

“Sebastian gave me more security than I’d ever had before, even though the whole thing was such a ridiculous little whirlwind, and nothing like I ever imagined my life could be. But he made me want to be honest and raw and write sappy letters like the one you just read. He doesn’t have any money, at least as far as I know, and I haven’t known him for seven years, and on paper it makes no sense… but you would understand if you knew him. If you felt that joy that he radiates, if you saw him live his simple little life like it’s the best thing in the world. You would understand if you knew how much I needed this. You would understand if you had been just as miserable being who I’ve been for so long, and finally had a chance to be somebody you think you were maybe meant to be the whole time. So, if I never see him again, I hope I just get to thank him.”

You waited for her to say something, but furrowed your brow at the long moment of silence, looking back from the window finally and finding her staring at you with a tear running down her cheek. When you met her gaze, she quickly wiped it away with a sniffle and looked down at your desk again. “Let’s get to translating, shall we?” she announced with a half-smile.

You noticed the way the other passengers looked at you as everyone was in line to deboard from the train car; you stuck out like a sore thumb, since everybody else was carrying heavy luggage and all you had was a backpack.

In your defense, you really had no idea how to pack for a trip where you knew neither the duration nor the true final destination. So, it was mainly filled with your essentials, a few clothes for any kind of weather, and enough leu to buy anything else you needed along the way.

The stewardess was waving goodbye to everyone as they shuffled out into the train station, occasionally stopping to shake a hand or give directions to nearby destinations. When you were just about to pass by, though, she pulled you into a tight hug.

“Good luck,” she whispered, holding you just a moment too long before pulling back and giving you an encouraging look. “If he doesn’t take you back, feel free to blame my translation… because if he knows what’s in your heart, I know he’ll say yes.”

“Yeah, that’s the hard part isn’t it?” you laughed weakly. “Thank you for your help. I guess if I come back alone for the return trip tonight, you’ll know how bad it went.”

“Then I hope I don’t see you again,” she winked.

It being a major train station and all, cabs were waiting around every corner so it was pretty easy to grab one and give them the address you already had written down for this exact purpose.

“This is pretty far,” the driver explained, “on the edge of town. Not a tourist spot.”

“Good, because I’m not a tourist,” you nodded, already only giving him half your attention as you pulled out the translated speech to practice.

“And you can afford this?” he pressed. You sighed and dug through your bag, pulling out a haphazard stack of bills and handing them through the plastic partition.

“Is this enough?” you asked, and he didn’t answer, just taking the money and starting the car as you smiled and leaned back in your seat.

As much as you had tried to convince yourself to not get your hopes up, the butterflies in your stomach felt more like whole birds at this point, demanding to break free as you practiced the words hand-written on the page over and over again, committing it all to memory.

“What are you reading?” the cab driver asked after several minutes.

“Oh, nothing,” you mumbled, “sorry if I’m bothering you, you can turn on the radio.”

“No, it’s not bothering me, but what you are saying… it’s very odd. It sounds like something from a play, or movie,” he explained.

“Um, it’s not,” you replied, a little embarrassed. “But does it sound like it’s from a good movie? Like, if you heard a character say this to another character, would you think they should get together?”

“I… don’t know,” he answered, sounding confused. “I mean, it depends on what happened, right? How they met, how well they get along…”

So, you told him the whole story, as succinctly as possible (which is not very succinct at all). By the end, he was actually giving commentary as you spoke.

“Why the hell did you leave?” he interjected, clearly irritated with you. “You loved him!”

“Yeah, well, sometimes love isn’t enough! I loved my husband too, and look how that turned out,” you defended.

“But that’s different. That was love for all the wrong reasons.”

“I promise, it felt very real at the time,” you shrugged.

“And now?” he countered. “You realize that this man— Sebastian, right?— is real.”

“I hope I’m right this time,” you offered. “But even if I am, he may not agree.”

The driver scoffed, taking a hand off the wheel to wave dismissively. “If he’s anything like you said, then he will still be completely in love with you. After all, you still feel the same way after all this time apart, don’t you?”

“If anything, I love him more every day,” you admitted, your heart beating quickly just to say it aloud.

“You know, when I met my wife, she was engaged to another man. He was rich, good-looking, and he wasn’t even a bad guy unlike this husband you describe. He was a good man, but he wasn’t right for her. They were… content together, but she wasn’t truly happy. Every night I would come to her window and beg her to marry me, because I knew that she knew we were meant for each other, but she was scared because her family wouldn’t approve and she would be a poor man’s wife.”

“How did you convince her to marry you instead?” you asked eagerly, sucked into the story already.

“I didn’t. On the day of the wedding, some people told me to go and break it up but I didn’t. I thought it would be wrong, to try to ruin her happiness and take it for myself by making a scene at the wedding. I realized she was her own woman and if she wanted to choose him, I had to let her. I had locked myself in my house, not wanting to see anyone that day, and she appeared at my door. I didn’t need to convince her because she knew the truth in her heart, and called off the wedding herself.”

“Wow,” you smiled.

“She was still in her dress!” he recalled with a hearty laugh. “She looked like an angel. We were married just a few days later. And next month will be thirty years,” he added as he lifted his left hand to show the golden band on his finger.

“Thirty years, that’s… a long time,” you sighed.

“It wasn’t always easy,” he admitted. “But it was always worth it.”

Just as you wondered what you could possibly say to that, you felt the car slow down to a stop.

“This is the address you gave me, this is it,” he explained, pointing out his passenger-side window. You leaned up against the glass and gasped in dawning fear as you saw the storefront dark and empty inside.

“No, nonono,” you whispered rapidly to yourself as you swung open the door and hopped out, pressing your face against the glass to try to get a look inside and finding what was undeniably a closed carpentry business. There was a note on the door, taped on the inside of the glass, and you knew enough Romanian to know it said something about a vacation and three months.

“Shit!” you yelped, holding your face in your hands, wondering if your journey had come to an end before it really began.

“Are you alright?” the driver asked, rolling down his window to speak to you.

“This was my only lead, I don’t have his real address,” you explained. “He used to work here, I thought maybe someone would know him…”

He sighed, giving you a sympathetic look. “Get back in, we can search nearby. You came too far to give in yet.”

But getting back in the car felt like giving in, too, which you realized as you looked back at the note taped to the carpenter's door. This was the closest you'd gotten, and it felt wasteful to leave with nothing.

Just as you were ready to hop in the passenger seat and start searching aimlessly through suburban Bucharest, or maybe look around for a Romanian yellow pages, you heard a noise from behind you, across the street; a laugh. His laugh. But it couldn’t be because it was too good to be true… and yet you found yourself whipping your head around and hoping beyond all reason that it was Sebastian.

Across the street was a restaurant, with a large patio where patrons were dining and chatting as they sat at wrought iron tables, and your eyes searched the crowd for any signs of him.

And then your gaze landed on a head of thick brunette hair, red and gold highlights so obvious now when the sunlight hit it this way. Broad shoulders wrapped in a white button-up shirt. He was facing away from you but he was looking to the side so you could see his face; he was smiling, laughing at something someone had said. And it was his smile that you recognized; it was like everything else faded away, and in that moment you thought maybe you could almost be happy with just this, just seeing him be happy even if it had nothing to do with you.

“Sebastian,” you called out to him, but he didn’t react. “Sebastian!”

His whole body turned, his eyes met yours, and you couldn't help but let the tears well in your eyes as you ran across the road to him.

He looked, understandably, stunned, and you realized he was actually waiting on a table at the moment; he said something to them, apparently excusing himself, and stepped closer to you.

But he stopped walking, not coming any closer, not exactly dragging you into his arms like you might've preferred, but with a breath to try to soothe your racing mind, you summoned your memories of the practiced letter and began. *

“Când am venit în Ungaria…” you started slowly, doing your best to remember the words and hoping your pronunciation wasn’t too awful, “nu căutam dragoste. Căutam spațiu, claritate și poate o idee de carte de un milion de dolari. În schimb, am găsit tot ce am căutat toată viața mea…”

You did your best to bite back tears, especially when his expression was nearly unreadable and you had no idea how well this was going.

“Ești tu, Sebastian, bineînțeles că ești tu,” you sighed, laughing slightly. “Ai fost acolo pentru mine când nici nu știam ce vreau de la nimeni. Ai fost prietenul meu fără să spui vreodată un cuvânt - cel puțin nu un cuvânt pe care l-am înțeles. M-ai iubit și nu știam ce să fac cu asta, pentru că uitasem cu mult timp în urmă cum se simțea să fii iubit. Și ce simțeai să iubești cu adevărat pe cineva. Dar te iubesc. Și am fost prost să te las să pleci, atât de neconceput de prost. Vreau să fim noi, Sebastian. Lasă-mă să te iubesc, mai dă-mi o șansă și îți promit că nu te voi mai lăsa să pleci niciodată.

The first thing he said was your name, and just the way he said it made you fall in love with him all over again.

“I… I dream that you would come back,” he shakily replied. “But now I cannot believe. You are my dream.”

Tears were openly flowing at this point and you wanted to run into his arms, but you tried to stay calm and hear him out. He stepped closer, almost hesitant, like you would run away if he got too close too fast.

“I love you, very much that I am sure I am insane person,” he explained with a grin, and you giggled. “We will live anywhere, do anything you would like— be my wife.”

You gasped as he pulled you into him, gripping your arms tightly as his desperation became apparent.

“Marry me?” he asked softly.

“Da,” you nodded, “yes, of course, anything—”

He kissed you suddenly, but gently, and it said more than any words in any language could.

It was a small wedding, in the Hungarian countryside by the lake. You could remember diving into that lake for lost pages of your manuscript; you could remember looking out over the water and dreaming of this moment you were living right now, thinking it was impossible.

He didn’t have much family, but they welcomed you with open arms.

Your family, well, they were too busy with planning another wedding, for your ex-husband and your ex-sister. A few of them sent cards but the rest were suspiciously quiet. You honestly didn’t even notice… you had a new family to attend to, anyhow. And it wasn’t like you didn’t have any guests, since you were able to track down and invite a stewardess named Maria, and a cab driver named Andrei and his wife, Paola.

Sebastian’s cousins weaved flowers into your hair and his grandmother tailored her dress to fit you like a glove. A picture of his parents was hung nearby in tribute; he told you they would’ve wanted to see him get married but that he felt, in some way, they were able to even if they had passed away quite some time ago.

You realized you’d never seen him in anything even mildly formal before; in fact, the suit he wore was rather casual, all things considered, but he looked so painfully cute in it. Sometimes you thought he actually looked a bit out of place wearing a shirt, though, especially one that was buttoned up all the way.

Luckily, the shirt was halfway unbuttoned about ten minutes into the reception.

Mrs. Alberti cooked a massive dinner for everyone, and even grew the flowers that you carried down the cobblestone aisle.

And wow, can Romanians drink. You had to be careful not to try to keep up with them, because if you had you would’ve been blacked out halfway into the night and the last thing you wanted was to forget even a moment of this.

As the night started to wind down to a close, you and your new husband retired to the lakehouse, running up the stairs and finding them as creaky as always.

He wrapped his arms around you in the hall and kissed you eagerly as you stumbled back into the bedroom, tripping over the doorway and falling onto the bed together.

It felt so right to have his weight on top of you, to feel his smile against your lips, to wrap your arms around his neck.

“This room,” he mumbled into the kiss. “Do you remember first time?”

“Yes,” you nodded, “da, I remember, how could I forget?”

He grinned and moved his lips down to your neck. "I thought of you every day… I love you,” he whispered.

“Te iubesc,” you whispered back.

It was almost like the first time in so many ways: passionate, yet oddly hesitant as you rediscovered each other. It was comfortable, though… you couldn’t think of any other person you felt so comfortable with, somebody who finally got you out of your own head and who made you want to experience everything life had to offer.

You were sure you’d never gone so long without worrying about something in all your life.

“My wife,” he whispered against your skin. “This is all I had wanted… from seeing you in very beginning.”

“You’re all I ever wanted,” you sighed in return, “ești tot ce mi-am dorit vreodată, Sebastian.”

Life with Sebastian was beautifully simple. You spent most of the day writing, usually, while he built furniture to sell and occasionally gardened with his spare time. You could always tell how busy you’d been with a new novel lately by how perfectly groomed the hydrangea bushes were.

You’d told him once that you’d come to Hungary looking for a million-dollar book idea. A Killer in Disguise performed alright, but not anywhere near that. The Language of Love, on the other hand, was definitely a million-dollar idea… about eleven times over. Sebastian didn’t seem to worry too much about how much money you made, though; he was just proud to say that he was the inspiration for your hit novel. You secretly suspected that he was more proud of your work reaching enough international notoriety to be translated into Romanian.

His English still needed some work, but you found it endearing. He was determined to get better and spent at least a half-hour each day practicing, but you hoped he wouldn’t get too perfect because you would miss the silly little mistakes he made. At least you could be sure he’d keep the accent forever… damn, that accent; and he knew exactly what it did to you, too.

In fact, you were crossing through the hall in your robe one evening when your husband’s voice stopped you.

“Darling wife,” you heard Sebastian call from the bedroom in a playful sing-song.

“What is it, Seba?” you asked with a smirk.

“Come in here, please…”

You opened the bedroom door to find most of the room covered in rose petals: most of all the bed, which was surrounded by candles, and topped with a shirtless (as per usual) Sebastian, laid on his side seductively with a long-stemmed rose (one you recognized from his very own garden) between his teeth.

“What are you doing?” you laughed. “Is this some sort of special occasion I’ve forgotten?”

You were already searching your mind for what it could be, but your two-year anniversary had passed a few months ago already and since it was spring it couldn’t be the anniversary of when you first met since that was late in the summer.

“Iss not quite a thpecial occathion yeth,” he answered before taking the rose from his mouth so he actually made sense. “I was considering it could be a special occasion, when we’re done…”

You smirked and climbed over the candles and into bed with him, taking the opportunity to run your hands over his chest. “And what occasion would that be?”

“A year from now, it could be the anniversary of when our child was conceived,” he answered.

Your breath caught in your throat, your voice reduced to a whisper of surprise. “Seba—”

“If you’re not ready, I will be understand,” he instantly added, stern yet soft. “Only if you want this, I just thought that maybe—”

You silenced him with a kiss, lacing your fingers into his hair and letting him roll you onto your back. He pulled back just enough to let you answer, but your noses were still bumping into each other and you smiled.

“I’m ready, Sebastian. More than ready,” you whispered.

He grinned and kissed you again, deeper and slower as he held your face with one hand and gripped your waist with the other. As his lips trailed down to your neck, you were interrupted with one pressing thought.

“Can I ask you something?”

He popped up and looked down at you with a smile. “Sure!”

“Why are you wearing ratty old jeans?” you laughed.

“Hey, these worked on you the first time,” he defended.

You gasped. “You don’t mean those are the jeans—”

“Yes,” he nodded, “the jeans that I had been wearing when I was working on Mrs. Alberti’s cottage. And, truly, when I was finding an excuse to work outside your window.”

“Wait,” you sat up, “did you actually work outside my window on purpose?”

He laughed, hanging his head quickly before looking back at you again with a sparkle in his eye. “You are very smart, my love, except for those times when you are— how do you say? Oblivious.”

You chuckled, unfortunately very aware that he was right.

“Didn’t you ever wonder why I was building a window frame, nearly a dozen metres away from the window it was for?”

You thought for a moment before dropping your face into your hands and laughing. “No, I didn’t notice that. I was too busy giving you a thorough eye-fuck,” you recalled.

“Yes, because I was not wearing a shirt and this distracted you,” he pondered, sounding suddenly like a scientist explaining a theorem or something. “See, that’s the beauty of wearing the jeans and no shirt. The body distracts you while the jeans seduce you.”

“How about you take the jeans off and put that body on me, capisce?” you pleaded; not that you didn’t love his humor or anything, but maybe his funny bone wasn’t exactly the bone you were interested in at the moment.

He grinned devilishly and suddenly pulled your legs apart, settling his body between them as he kissed your neck again, nipping at your jawline and ear. “You’re being impatient, dragă,” he purred. “You want to have my baby that badly?”

You whined involuntarily, arching your back as his hands roamed your body and finally began to untie your robe and push the silk out of the way. “Yes, Sebastian, please—”

“Let’s just say, theoretically, I wanted to have more than one? Would you have another of my children?” he asked softly as he reached up and palmed at your breasts, teasing your nipples which were already much too hard and sensitive for how little he’d touched you. The rough denim rubbing against the inside of your thighs was oddly arousing— maybe it was the sensation itself, or maybe it was just that this was almost like the first thing you imagined when you saw Sebastian all those years ago.

“Yes,” you moaned out your answer, “yes, you know I’d do anything for you.”

“What if I wanted a big family?” he pressed. “Really big? Like, Catholic big?”

“We can have our own fuckin’ Brady Bunch, Seb, I just need you right now,” you begged, grabbing the back of his neck and pulling him into a hot and desperate kiss.

He decided to wait until afterwards to ask what a ‘Brady Bunch’ was. You decided to wait until afterwards to ask when he’d learned how to use the word ‘theoretically’.

sfarsit; the end

#sebastian stan x reader

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