#but I really can’t afford those shipping prices rn

[tarantula-hawk-wasp]

I want grey nail polish so bad. Hopefully cvs has some when I go to get other things tomorrow

[queerpyracy]

[animal injury, death]

i’m sharing this bc i don’t want to make animal husbandry seem rosier than it is, for those of you that are interested/have aspirations. we have a cow that is flat out dangerous after she calves, and it took two years to talk my dad into selling her, which we wanted to do last fall. the problem was the rain made everything muddy, and our only truck (that we can’t afford to replace right now) does not have functional 4 wheel drive, so we were going to sell her in the spring. and then the plague closed down the auction yard and prices went down the toilet so we haven’t sold anything except one steer that someone else butchered.

so, this cow calved today. i was really, really hoping she wasn’t bred, but no such luck. we went out to try and separate the calf from her so we could do vet care without being stomped to death. the biggest problem is that this cow gets so wound up with death-stomping hormones after she calves, that she is perfectly willing to run over the top of her calf to try and kill one of us. the last two times, the calf was fine. today, she managed to hurt it.

we don’t know how badly hurt the calf is bc we obviously can’t get close to it. we have to leave them be for now bc there’s no way to make this situation better without killing the cow. he might be fine, he might only be bruised and be perfectly alright tomorrow. we’ve also lost a calf that, after a dangerous bull hurt him, seemed perfectly fine that first day, and gave up the next. this is the absolute shittiest part of raising livestock.

there’s really nothing we can do now except keep an eye on things. as soon as we can ship this cow we are because it doesn’t matter how nice her bloodline is, her one job is to raise her calf and not be stupidly dangerous to us, and she’s certainly failed on one count, if not both.

my parents report that (after he initially ran away and laid down) he’s gotten up again under his own power and moved a bit, which does make me feel better, but it’s still not certain. i really i hope i can tell you all in a couple of days that he’s fine, but i don’t know. 

anyway. i want to be transparent about the shitty parts of farming, too. i’m obviously not going to be in the best place mentally rn but i guess if y’all have any questions i will do my best to answer. can’t promise i’ll be prompt

[cereittanyprincess15]

Ray’s Emergency Commissions! 

2021 UPDATE: Video comms are now closed. Picture and gif comms are still open.

EDIT: September update! Still out of work but I might be able to go back soon because it’s been LITERAL MONTHS D’X For when I do go back, commissions will still be open, so I got myself a Ko-Fi (the gif examples don’t work I’m so upset) for easier access to picking out options <3

Last week I got word from my bosses that my place of work (a library) is going to be closed to the public until April 6th, but I could still come in and do things. I wasn’t going to open up commissions after that reassurance, until yesterday when we got word that we might be closed for a longer period of time, and April 6th woul For all the pictures/gifs, I can't give you any Watch Me Edit videos, just the final products and a buttload of progress shots. My laptop is very old now and was never powerful to begin with, so if I were to record my screen the footage would mostly be my broken mouse acting up with its persistent double-clicking, and my programs lagging/freezing/crashing. It would honestly take more work to edit out multiple recordings over restarts and cutting all the usable footage For all the pictures/gifs, I can't give you any Watch Me Edit videos, just the final products and a buttload of progress shots. My laptop is very old now and was never powerful to begin with, so if I were to record my screen the footage would mostly be my broken mouse acting up with its persistent double-clicking, and my programs lagging/freezing/crashing. It would honestly take more work to edit out multiple recordings over restarts and cutting all the usable footage together than to just work on the edits. For all the pictures/gifs, I can't give you any Watch Me Edit videos, just the final products and a buttload of progress shots. My laptop is very old now and was never powerful to begin with, so if I were to record my screen the footage would mostly be my broken mouse acting up with its persistent double-clicking, and my programs lagging/freezing/crashing. It would honestly take more work to edit out multiple recordings over restarts and cutting all the usable footage together than to just work on the edits. together than to just work on the edits. d actually be the day we could be laid off until things get back under control. Honestly, I don’t make a ton to begin with, so I’m not touching a cent of my last paychecks in preparation so I can hopefully keep paying my bills next month.

That’s where the commissions come in. Right now I’m on hiatus so I’ll have tons of time to work on these, even more so within the next couple weeks. All the main info is in the pics, but there’s more details below, as well as some gif and video examples under the cut. If you’re interested then please feel free to shoot me a message here on tumbr and we can chat.

Media info:

I mainly work with what I listed in the above picture, but I have a bunch not listed that I can also work with if you ask for it. Unfortunately at this time I can’t afford to download anything new due to lack of space, so I’m not able to offer any S*p*rn*t*r*l, Str*ng*r Th*ngs, Sh*rl*ck, G*m* *f Thr*n*s, or other live-action shows that I adore so much until I buy some new, bigger drives. 

Price info:

For all canon works I don’t charge per character, but for crossovers and redrawn edits then I charge for any extra characters over the initial chosen 2, and that character charge will be tossed on top of the determined total. I chose my prices based on how much work goes into each option, with a 40+ second crossover video as the most expensive for obvious reasons and a simple canon picture as the cheapest. If you think I’m charging too much and would like something, message me and we’ll discuss it, I’m not unreasonable <3

NOTE:  For all the pictures/gifs, I can't give you any Watch Me Edit videos, just the final products and a buttload of progress shots depending on the option. My laptop is very old now and was never powerful to begin with, so if I were to record my screen the footage would mostly be my broken mouse acting up with its persistent double-clicking, and my programs lagging/freezing/crashing. It would honestly take more work to edit out multiple recordings over restarts and cutting all the usable footage together than to just work on the edits.

Picture info: (Fastest to make)

Canon - This refers to normal edits within the same movie/show, for those with noncanon ships, favourite characters with a theme, etc. Super small redraws for 2D are available if need be for no extra charge, like if one of the characters is being obscured in a way.

Crossover - Just as the name says. This mainly includes Non/Disney crossovers, but I can branch out to other 2D media like anime, 3D, and live-action footage as well if requested.

Redraws/Detailed - 2D footage only to save my sanity, can still take a while depending on what needs to be done. This is where I bust out my tablet to help me out, as I can do so much more with it than with just After Effects. This includes Non/Disney colouring pages, OC recreations, more detail oriented outfit swaps, etc. 

Gif info: (Takes a little longer)

Canon - Favourite ship moments, favourite scenes, you name it. Editing is optional for noncanon ships as well (check out the Jinx/Terra parts in my Teen Titans video below for a visual example).

Canon gif examples:

Crossovers - This is where the editing really comes in. Again, mostly for Non/Disney, but I love crossovers a ton so please feel free to ask for a single/set if you also have ships outside of that fandom. For Non/Disney, some reanimation (headswaps, colour changes, etc) are open for discussion.

Crossover gif examples:

Video info: (Takes the longest if a crossover)

Canon - Tributes to a single fandom/ship/character, you don’t have to provide a song/theme as well but that certainly helps a ton if you do.

Canon video examples:

Crossover - I put all my heart and soul into my crossover videos, so please expect it to be worth every penny, I won’t let you down. I can work with Non/Disney, live-action, animation/live-action, Disney/anime, whatever you’d like, but expect it to take a little longer depending on the time and the footage. Songs aren’t required but will be a huge help, and themes are mandatory so I’ll know the story you’ll want me to tell, even if it’s just ‘Cindy/Odette with a forbidden love’, whereas we can discuss my interpretation of that.

Crossover video examples:

[darthbecky726]

Bad Batch 1x04-06 Spoilers

I meant to keep up with the series and do these every week, but I had finals and then graduation and I lost the time. So here’s my reactions to the past three weeks worth of Bad Batch in one long, glorious post

Spoilers and Length below

Strong start, out in space

I’ve never heard of that planet, where is it

Aw, omega’s a Child

Oof, republic friendly planets are most definitely empire friendly now

Have we ever actually been to pantora? Or just the moon?

I love wrecker

I Love Wrecker

Ugh this guy

Tech is so done

No you’re really not

This guy sketchy as fuck

*gasp* fennec!!!!

Omega working w fennec?? Or fennec looking for omega??

What is echo wearing??

Echo, hon, you still stick out

I thought all the pantorans were blue not just some of them??

I assume based on rebels that only people who live on a certain planet celebrate in parades

I love the gonk droid

I love wrecker and tech

That’s a cute doll

Echo’s so offended

Hunter’s considering it lmao

Echo I love you so much

He is priceless; can’t put a price on an original Domino Squad Survivor

He’s so done

Space dogs

No omega don’t run off

Fennec!

Adhd child

Grab your doll omega

Fennec! You look great animated!

Oh I get it, hunter’s gonna use the doll to track omega

This protocol droid is a lot like 3po

I love echo

Called it

I love fennec

People can have blasters, omega, its star wars; I don’t think they have galactic gun control

They’re adorable

Aw, corporal echo is awesome

Echo’s like you can’t afford me

Tech’s like the guy in the chair

I love wrecker and omega’s relationship, they’re so pure

Wrecker!!

Ooh remember what I said about her being like ezra? He wouldn’t flinch at that height

Just stole that bike, nice

I love wrecker; no thoughts, only protect omega

This has major aotc vibes

Hunter!!

I wonder if we’ll see more of fennec in BB

This protocol droid, I love her

How tf does omega not know what a bounty hunter is, she’s the clone of one

Nice filler episode! Onwards to ep 5!!

They’re adorable

I love echo

Not all of them are dead...

Omega it absolutely is a toy if you want it to be

Gotta love that classic SW circular swipe

They’re so adorable

Who’s cid? I can’t remember

Lol echo

I love them

Oh we’ve never met Cid

I wonder who cid’s jedi friend was

“Clearly the kid’s the brains of your operation” you’re not wrong

Ugh zygerrians

Oh I forgot about his chip hurting

Echo your 501st is showing 

Lol omega is so ready for battle child you don’t got any armor or shit what you gonna do

We love competence porn

Not what you want

Well this mission has gone to shit

Aw omega’s adorable

Gonky?! I love this!!

Ugh zygerrians

Omega, use your comms

I love the detail that her shirt is bunched by the straps of the wrist comm

Ooh that can’t be good for echo’s cybernetics

Yessss the calvary

You don’t have comms in your head cybernetics, echo?

Ugh zygerrians

Your 501st is showing again echo

Nice one

Ugh kadavo

Oh omega are you gonna pull an obi-wan?? Befriend the creature??

Ooh even better

Is that some sort of rancor??

It is a rancor!

Awwww the rancor’s muchi!

I love how echo’s helmet slides over his cybernetics

I love echo

I love tech

Ugh zygerrians and their lightwhips

I love hunter

Beat that slaver scum!!

I see beating up slavers is an inherent trait; rex has it, bb has it...

I love muchi

I love wrecker

Aw I love them

Ugh this fool

Bib fortuna

Oh, is muchi jabba’s rancor that luke kills in Jedi?? Nooooo! Muchi!!

I love cid

Oooh the guild

Ooh I really love cid

Good episode

Onto ep 6

I love that echo is teaching her to shoot, the arc

I love the bargoers laughing they’re hilarious

Also where are they?? Still on ord mantell??

Oh they’re still hanging with cid

Tech I love you

Ugh corellia

I love cid

I really love cid

Lol cid’s great

“This old trick” he’s been through this with anakin too many times lol

Ugh corellia

Ooh is wrecker scared of heights??

Ah droid factories, I’ve never liked y’all

Where tf was she hiding those binocs

Heh set pfizers to stun

*gasp* I forgot your name

Rafa! And trace!

Tbh I didn’t like them that much, they had too much screentime in tcw

Aw, omega dropped her fancy bowcaster

Nice sniping wrecker

Is that droid speaking huttese??

Yes they do

I love hunter

I love how calm echo and tech are about being cornered

Oh he doesn’t like heights

I love snippy echo

Oh no, his chip is activating

Wrecker?

Rafa reminds me of Marjan from 911 lonestar

Yeah trace, save that kid

He did

Die mad about it lol

Ah I’m having flashbacks to toy story 3

Oh “I’m used to it” hunter don’t make me sad

Ohhhh none of them know about wrecker’s conflict rn

Lol echo that timing I love you

He’s so proud of it like yeah there is an echo in here

I love trace, tech, and echo’s nerd corner

Yessss!!! Wrecker!!!

Yay wrecker!!

Oh I love b1s

Lmao orders are orders

Aw, she found her bowcaster

I love how the bb just gets on their ship

Hell yeah they are

Ooooh are y’all helping fulcrum?? Ahsoka?!

Oop-

I love omega

Why don’t you make a copy of the copy??

Ooooh who is is it??? Rex??? Obi-wan??? She said “he,” so it’s not ahsoka...

Overall, good episodes. Can’t wait for this week’s so I can find out who “he” is.

[idealisticrealism]

Blindspot recap 2x18

(Aka the one where Roman gets to go on another excursion, Weitz wants to date literally the entire team except for maybe Patterson bc he’s intimidated by her brains, Reade is Touched By An Angel, and Nas falls on her sword for reasons which will probably never become entirely clear to anyone)

Okay, yes, I am the world’s worst procrastinator, and so am only just managing to get this posted now despite the three-week break. Tbh I intended to do it a couple of days ago, but then ended up getting distracted doing some writing of a different kind (stay tuned for that one very shortly!) and as such ended up with very little time for this-- hence why it’s a little shorter and kinda all over the place lol. But anyhow, if you were wanting a refresher on last ep before the new one tonight, you’ve come to the right place haha.

Enjoy. 

Okay I'm confused by this very large number of phenotypically-diverse children in one house. Also this blonde lady looks suspicious. Oh no and now the shouting girl is dead... after jumping from the second floor onto dirt? It would be unusual to die from that kind of injury, especially as a young person with strong bones, though it‘s certainly within the realm of possibility, depending on the type of impact. Also it's times like this that I'm reminded that both this show and I are kinda grim haha

Naaawwwww look at the Mayhem Twins in their little domestic bubble. Jane's so excited about her new 'bring your little bro to work' sitch and Roman is all *grumble grumble emo teen* about it, which lbr is pretty fair, but like Jane says, ‘freedom is something you have to earn’. Just bc you can't remember all the bad things you've done, doesn't mean everyone else can just forget it too, buddy! And considering you were literally the enemy not too long ago, it’s actually pretty impressive how much the team has let you in and treated you kindly. If anything demonstrates that the team (*cough* especially Weller *cough*) truly loves Jane, this is it. So be nice to your sister, bucko, because she's the reason that you actually have a chance at living a normal life for literally the first time ever. Sigh, my poor little battered babies. Why must you suffer so much and be hugged so little. Also well done makeup team on remembering to keep Jane's face bruised haha

Lol I love this scene, bc now without Reade, the team consists of poor beleaguered Weller and four badass (and currently rather displeased) ladies. The varied responses to Weitz’s inquisition are hilarious though-- Patterson is all (ง'̀-'́)ง , Zapata is all eye-rolls and being so done with this shit, Nas is already planning and scheming and looking at it from all angles, and Jane is there solely to support Weller and get his support in return, bc MARRIEEEEDDDD. And ugh Weller is such a good leader and reassures them all and then ugh he and Zapata having that little moment of worry over Reade and ugh my babiessss 

Speaking of Reade, he’s apparently busted both his face and his phone lol. He's also in a very weird hospital room; like this is a huge space for only two beds. I wonder who found him though? Also given his recent expensive habits, can he even afford the price of medical care?? If he was here in Aus, it'd be free, but in the States??? Good luck, bro...

Naww the team is soldiering on, with Patterson telling them about a new tattoo to check out-- a tattoo with numbers somehow linked to the girl that died. As usual, Patterson's explanation of just how that happened went in one ear and right out the other, for both me and the team, it seems. Oops. But ugh poor Jane looks a little bit sick at the thought of the girl's death being linked with her tattoos-- it must be so hard sometimes, to be covered in (what is sometimes the equivalent to) people's death sentences? Seriously Weller needs to hurry up and kiss all of those tattoos and remind her that in carrying them, she helps the team save people. Ugh, that woman just really needs a good long hug. 

Oh and look who it is, the ADA that everybody loves to hate. Gotta say, I still kinda ship him with Zapata a little bit. Like, in a 'hate each other so much they occasionally meet up and have angry sex' kinda way. But then again I kinda ship her with Roman, but then kinda also don't at the same time... Idk, imagining her and Roman kissing would be a little weird. Like he's just such a lil puppy and she's all wildcat. But aaaaanyway, ooooohhhh I love Weller's teeny tiny eye-twitch when Weitz mentions Jane. It's like turning his Protective Hubby mode onto vibrate-- none of the big loud shouty anger, just a subtle 'come near her and I will end you' vibe that radiates through him lol. I dig it. Apparently Weitz has no sense of self-preservation though, so not only threatens them all with suspension, but also steps directly in Weller's way, AND refers to Patterson as a lab rat. Oh boy. I'm so proud of our Weller though, clearly he's been working on his anger management haha. Plus, he totally just won that round and Weitz knows it. 

Dude they totally wouldn't be letting bystanders that close if the body was still right there. But whatevs. Also I like Weller's boots. And now oooh all the kids and the foster mom have disappeared, whatever could have happened....

Ughhh I love that Weller, Nas and Jane are all blatantly watching Patterson being interviewed, and Weller's all casual about it like 'yeah she's tough she's got this', but you just KNOW that if Patterson looked to be in any distress at all, Weller would be storming through those doors in a fury, with Nas following behind ready to provide some kind of excuse, whereas Jane would have slipped quietly away and set off the fire alarm or something before shimmying through the vents and dropping down into the room behind Weitz's guys, basically forming a pincer-maneuver with Weller, ready to kick the crap out of anyone that dares upset their lil Patterson. Of course Zapata would be flying in there right beside Weller (except when he would put himself in front of Patterson, she'd just launch straight at Weitz lol) but she's not present in the equation rn. Oh but here she is now, actually, with a lead-- she's found streetcam footage of the teenage boy from the foster-house. If they can find him, maybe they can solve the whole mystery and save the other kids.

Ughhhhh speaking of Patterson and Weitz, he's grilling her about Borden, and ugh my baby is being so tough and not taking any of his shit and for once I feel kinda grateful for that slimy weasel Fisher bc at least he gave her good practice for dealing with scumbags like this? Ugh I know my baby had somewhat of a breakdown in last ep (I wonder if she's cleaned her apartment up at all after that) but she really seems kinda... battle-hardened... now. Which makes me sad, but at the same time, we know that Jane has been through a whole ton of awful crap and she's still a little cinnamon roll despite it, so I have high hopes for Patterson to do the same. Especially with Jane there to help mentor her through it.

Oooh the Power Trio (by which I mean Jeller and their sidekick, Nas) are in Weller's office, and lbr this is very much a scene about a married couple having a debate, with Nas hanging in the background trying to be unobtrusive haha. I love that Jane was just reminding Roman this morning that these things take time-- but the first chance she gets she goes to hubby and is like 'let's put him on the team' haha. And lbr here, Weller puts up a half-assed argument purely for appearances’ sake. We know he's going to allow it, bc he's whipped a caring and supportive hubby and he wants the woman he loves to be happy. And also he wants Roman to be redeemed, bc if there's hope for Roman then there's hope for them all. He makes an excellent point that today is literally THE WORST day to be thinking about doing this-- literally a single thing goes wrong out there, even something that's not at all Roman's fault, and Weitz is going to be all over their asses. The dude's just waiting for an excuse, and letting a 'known terrorist' (sorry puppy, you know I don't mean that) out on a case is bound to be exactly the kind of thing he's after. But who cares, those are all far too sensible and logical things to be worrying about. Nas, surprisingly, has done a 180 from her shared opinion with Dr Sun that Roman is a monster, and encourages Weller to let him out in the field. Is she deliberately doing that to try to get them to play right into Weitz's hands, or is she just doing it bc she knows Weller's going to give in anyway and so she adds her support, letting Weller pretend he's been 'out-voted' (despite him being the highest-ranking person in the room) rather than actually just being the big marshmallow that he is? And ugghh he finally says yes and Jane is trying really hard to look mature about it and not beam at him and he's trying really hard not to seem pleased about making her happy and ugh these two giant dorks are gonna be the death of meeeee

Dude you're really not gonna use your work insurance? I suppose maybe you can't, since you quit like yesterday, you big dumb idiot. And then ugh the other guy asks him about his PTSD, and it's very convenient that the sole other occupant in the room is someone that can give Reade some real insight into his situation and help him get on the right path. If this was a daytime movie, we'd find out at the end that this guy was actually an angel the whole time, placed there to help him find his way. But it's Blindspot, so more likely he's a Sandstorm plant or something lol, since they seem to be literally everywhere haha. Also Reade denies being a veteran, and is he just trying to cut off the conversation, or is that answer honestly a no? I feel like my understanding of his character was that he WAS in the army before the FBI. But hey, maybe I just made that up.

Naawww Roman is like 'wait I'm coming out on a case that's not directly related to me?? Really??' and Jane is all 'yep now let's go out there and show them how great you are' and he snarks back about getting tossed back in a cage if he doesn't, and I love that there's a hint of reproach in her tone when she tells him that it's important, and a big opportunity-- like okay bro I know you’ve had a tough time but everyone is trying super hard to be inclusive and give you a fair shot so maybe ease up on the attitude mmmkay?? I love that Jane is Roman's biggest advocate when talking to others, but when he starts to get a bit whiny she (gently but firmly) puts him back in his place. Man, she’s such a big sister. Also dude they're gonna have to be even more careful with what they say about Sandstorm etc now, considering that Roman's detail is in the lab with them? Though I suppose all Patterson's lil lab techs are usually hovering around all the time, so maybe these are all high-clearance people. Rn Patterson's concerned about Weitz twisting everything they say, worried that telling the truth may not be enough to protect them. But Weller is all 'truth or nothing, we die with honor*' (*paraphrasing lol) and ugh I'm so proud of him for being such a good, incorruptible man. And so now they have another lead-- the teen's music teacher lives near where he was seen on the cam, so maybe he's gone there for help. Weller wants to check it out, but Patterson's already got plans at the morgue (that's where I'd go too tbh, autopsies are fascinating) and Zapata's got a date with Weitz, so that doesn't leave many other options. Jane's quick to suggest Roman, ratcheting the tension level up to about 300 before Weller is all like 'screw it, alright come on but just don't mess up okay bc wifey will be really upset if something bad happens' and Roman is all 'yes sir I would never intentionally make my sister unhappy sir' while Jane practically skips out of the room behind them haha

Weitz is asking Zapata about Reade-- ooh is someone worried about competition, Weitz?? Don't worry, she and Reade are just friends. And you are dirt on the sole of her shoe. But hey, maybe that's one of your kinks or something. Anyway oooh it comes up that Nas gave the order to enter the Sandstorm compound and that Weller wasn't there. The writing in the scene is clever and focuses on the Weller side of things, but it's also a setup to Nas getting blamed... wonder if they'll pounce on her later?

So it's snowy again, which means weather-wise, we should be approaching somewhere close to a full year since Jane was found in Times Square. Though since my theory is that she was found in January, I'm going to assume we're maybe around November now. Anyway I love that Weller allows Jane and Roman to head around back while he takes the front-- so much trust in Jane ugh (and some in Roman too, obviously). And he said Roman's detail would have to come out with them, but I don't see them anywhere... maybe scoping the perimeter? Round back they find Eli playing on a little pitch-pipe (it kinda looks like little plug-adaptors for TV aerials-- did he make it himself?) and ugh Weller reassures him and is doing his whole fatherly thing and ughhhh I love it (almost as much as Jane does hehe)

Meanwhile Patterson just found out that their girl's body has been basically snatched from the morgue, which is unfortunate. Clearly there was something about her body that could give the bad guys away??

I think Nas is trying to psychoanalyze Roman. But he's doing a better job of it himself tbh, and indirectly admits that he's scared of himself. Ugh, my puppy. Let me hug you. In the interview room, the Jeller dream team are talking to the kid, with Weller looming over him a little as the stern dad-figure and Jane sitting at his level, being the sensitive, understanding mom figure and ughhhhh I am having premonitions of them talking to their own teen after they go out drinking or stay out past curfew or something and ughhh I better not fall down this rabbit hole rn bc it'll be hours before I pull myself out of it, so let's focus on the present instead okay. Patterson has no leads on the body-snatchers, the music teacher has been out of town and has no idea about anything, and so all their hopes rest on getting Eli to open up. Roman suggests giving him back the pitch-pipe, recognising it as a sentimental item, much like the coin he and Jane shared. And ugh Weller approves and Jane is so proud and ooh Zapata just came into the lab and looked at Roman with a guarded expression and ugh stop making me ship it okay?? Anyways Jane's up next to talk to Weitz, and man does she look eager about the prospect lol

Aaaaaahhhh Weitz's first question is whether she's been in a romantic relationship with Weller (dude do you have a crush on Jane as well as Zapata?? Fair enough, I understand) and ugh I love that she doesn't go straight for a 'no', she instead questions its relevance to the investigation. And yaaaaasss I love that it's only after Weitz pretty much implies that she slept her way onto the team that she denies the romantic relationship. Because after all, it's kinda true; they definitely have (or as she thinks in his case, HAD) romantic feelings for each other, and they have had romantic interactions, but they have never been in a literal boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, therefore her answer is not a lie. (Though I hope one day it will be hehe). And then he attacks her about zipping Roman, acting like she has something to hide, trying to get her to slip up and somehow incriminate Weller, claiming that her loyalties are with Roman and (basically) that Weller's loyalties are with her, meaning he believes Weller would choose her over the FBI if it came down to it, and ugh I know this guy is trying to cause problems and everything but I kinda love him for laying it out to Jane like that, putting the thought in her mind that maybe Weller WOULD choose her, maybe Weller cares enough about her that if it somehow came to it, he would turn his back on the agency that has been his life for a dozen years in order to stand with her. And lbr, he would. Heeeeelllllppppp.

Aaaand Reade is still ignoring calls and being an all-round butthead. Also I've suddenly decided Reade needs a dog. Oooh and angel-Trevor not only has PTSD, but he's dying bc of his drug and alcohol abuse, having already lost his family because of it. Yep, this guy was definitely put here to teach Reade a valuable life lesson. Good luck Trevor, hope you succeed. Also sorry to hear about the dying thing.

Naww Weller is being the understanding dad now, since mom-Jane isn't there to do it, and Zapata has taken on the role of that cool aunt that you can tell anything to. Also this kid must be kinda in awe of the hotness of the women in this place lol. He is like 16, after all. And then ugh he finally tells them that their foster mom was giving them pills-- and then BAM, he breaks open the pitch-pipe and there's one of the pills. Score one for Roman! Also I very much enjoy watching Roman watch the interviews. Handsome, emotionally troubled men with hearts of gold are definitely part of my aesthetic. Zapata takes the pill to Patterson to be tested, whereas Weller is accosted by Weitz, who looks positively delighted to get to have some alone time. Well, if a bunch of observers and a camera counts as alone time, anyway.... (#kinky)

And ughhhh yet again his first question is Jeller-related. We definitely have a shipper here. And ugh Weller describes his relationship with Jane as professional, which is technically true. Their relationship is multifaceted, and a big one of those facets is their work partnership. Especially lately, while the personal stuff between them is only just beginning to delicately blossom again. Then when Weitz pushes-- clearly desperate to know if there's hope for his OTP or not-- Weller hedges, saying that they go out for drinks as a team sometimes. Again, true; that is another facet. I love how he is very much skirting around the head-over-heels-in-love facet. Well played, Weller. It's Weitz’s fault for not asking you directly if you're in love with her. For once he's probably somewhat relieved for the conversation to move onto Shepherd-- well, until Weitz starts claiming that she's Weller's benefactor (slash future mother in law) and that he may actually be working for her somehow. Remember those anger management lessons, son, you've been doing so well. Just get through this and you can go find Jane so she can be outraged on your behalf. 

But nope, instead he walks into the lab, and when Jane asks how it went, he grumpily changes the topic. Sigh. I guess it would be a little hard for him to seek support from her when all the team-- including Roman and Roman's detail- are standing right there. Plus he probably still feels a little awkward about nearly getting caught out on the whole being in love with her thing. Kinda makes sense that he's a little touchy. Anyway Patterson has discovered that the foster kids are being used as guinea pigs in illegal drug tests. And cue a scene with labcoated people talking about euthanising the kids, which the foster mom initially argues against, but then accepts. Wow, messed up, much? Thankfully the drug has to be out of the kids' systems before they kill them, so that buys them another hour for our team to come to their rescue.

Lol Trevor and I seem to share feelings about home-renovation shows. I'd sure as hell rather watch hockey too, buddy. Reade catches him right before he falls over trying to change the channel, seeing that his legs are too weak to even support him anymore, and angel-Trevor then tells him to get control of his life 'the right way' by talking about his pain, getting it all out. And Reade starts to open up to him and ughhh I really hope he is an angel and not some kind of plant bc if the wrong person finds out about this, Reade could be in some serious shit...

Nas' contacts are closing in on Sandstorm's bank account after tracking that transaction Roman made, but Weller's more fixated on the fact that his unwanted 'link' to Shepherd is a threat to the team (now you know how Jane feels, bud!). Thankfully though Patterson has found a lead-- the capsule that holds the pill's contents is (very fortuitously) only used by four companies, and they showed photos of employees to Eli until they found the doctor he'd met-- a man with a very Polish-looking name, which Patterson can't pronounce, and Weller thinks he can, but can't. Literally I'm an Aussie who has never been to Poland, and while I'm definitely not sure exactly how it's meant to sound, I know enough to know it's not whatever he just said. But anyhow, let's add another uncle to Weller's list haha-- he seems to have been collecting a few lately. I wonder which side of the family they were on? Not that it matters, since he's estranged from both, I guess... but anyhow there's only one way to find the doctor, and that's to use Eli as bait. I appreciate that they get his consent first, bc lbr they probably didn't have to. 

And like a sucker, the doc fell for it, and they traced the call to a warehouse. Roman's detail is assigned to cover the back entrance (good, keeps them out of the way) and Weller puts Jane together with Roman while he and Zapata take another entrance. I love the Roman/Jane teaming up thing because again, it shows Weller's trust in Jane... but I want my Jeller combo back. How long til we can have Zapata and Roman teaming up? Bc I am veeeeery interested to see how that goes. I do appreciate that Zapata raises no concern about Roman being out with them though. It's nice to see him being accepted more ughh. Sounds like the foster mom has had a change of heart, and doesn't want the kids to die. Too little, too late, lady. And then she literally tries to grab a gun to shoot at Weller (rude) but he fires a warning shot, bc he believes in JUSTICE not vigilantism and ugh I just love my sweet honorable boy. And speaking of sweet honorable boys, as the team approaches the kids, Roman runs straight to them and starts cutting them free ugh, while Weller chases a bad guy and Jane finds the power source for the machines (not sure why, like she could literally just pull the IV's out of the kids' arms)-- but it's lucky she does, bc it puts her in the perfect spot to grapple with another suddenly-appearing bad guy. Roman nearly gets shot in the head about five times in the process, and he and the kiddies make a run for it while the rest of the team is locked in their own individual battles. Zapata personally kicks the shit out of the doctor guy, which I appreciate. They all dispatch their opponents and regroup at the same time, realising Roman is nowhere to be found. Jane looks super worried but also convinced that he'll pop up at any second, while Weller's just like 'shit I can't deal with this rn' and then ta-da Roman appears with all the kids safe and sound and Jane is practically bursting with pride and rainbows and Weller just gives this little nod like 'good work... u lil shit' and we didn't get to see Zapata's reaction but I stg she would have been frowning bc she found the whole situation worryingly hot lol 

Ugh now they're all at the hospital and Roman and Jane walk up to Weller together but she lets Roman take the lead bc lbr seeing the two men she loves most in the world interact is probably like her favourite thing ever, plus it's good for Weller to be reminded that Roman really does care ugh. And then Jane tells Roman how great he did and Weller agreeeeeeeeessss (bc now it's just them there so he doesn't have to keep up the cranky-boss appearances anymore and can just be the approving bro-in-law and ughhhhh save me). Oh and it seems Zapata is here to do just that, bc she's discovered Eli is missing from his room-- turns out he's gone to confront foster-mom. Also according to the decor, this is literally the same hospital that Reade is in. Imagine if the team ran into him in one of the corridors?? Awkwaaaaard. But anyhow the team finds Eli, and Weller approaches and starts talking him down while the rest watch from the doorway, and ughhhh "don't let what she's done ruin the rest of your life"/ "the things that you've had to go through, they can make you stronger, but you have to make the right choices" and ughhhhh his words literally could relate to any member of the team, but are clearly hitting Roman especially hard rn. Yaaaas give me all the Roman/Weller bonding. And omg the kid drops the knife and then walks straight into Weller's arms and I'm screaming bc ALL THAT SPECULATION ABOUT WHICH OF THE WOMEN THE HUG WOULD BE WITH, AND IT'S A FREAKING TEENAGE BOY. Oh, man, that promo sure got us good. I'm so amused by this haha 

Oooh Weller has called his ladies (sans Nas, which imo is the way it should be) into his office-- he's giving Tasha the lead on the Sandstorm op, which makes them all go "??What???" so he explains that in order to prevent Weitz taking the whole team down, he's going to fall on his sword, take the hit to spare the rest of them. And lol yet again it's a mixed-bag of reactions-- Patterson is all (ง'̀-'́)ง  again, whereas Zapata-- as a bureaucracy-understanding agent like Weller-- clenches her jaw, telling him they'll fight it together but knowing why he's doing what he's doing; but ugh Jane's eyes are locked on Weller's face, voice rough with emotion as she insists there IS no team without him. Because to her, there isn't. There's nothing without Weller-- she can't even comprehend existing in a world where he is not at its center. And when he insists that this is the plan he's going with, she looks to the others, hoping they'll help her talk him out of it-- but they're silent. There's nothing they can do. He's still their boss, and this is his final order. Weitz has his victim at last.

But not, apparently, the one we were expecting. While Weller was saying his farewells, Nas Kamal-- the sneakiest of the sneaky-- is already in with Weitz, claiming full responsibility for literally everything (did you know she shot JFK, too??). So, okay... what is actually going on here? Was this literally the point of her character all along, to provide someone else to be offered up as a sacrificial lamb, when all the shit that has happened this season finally catches up with them? I just... idk. I don't get it. I feel like Nas' character makes no sense, like she's some kind of shape-shifter, initially one thing, and then another, and then another, based on the whims of the writers. After nearly a full season I have no idea what her motivations actually are, and I have no idea whether any of the things she said or did were genuine or by design. But, well, better her on the chopping block than Weller, I guess? Well... so long, Nas, and thanks for all the fish-y business!

Ugh my precious Weller catches up with them just as they're leaving, though clearly dreading what he's about to do but ready to do it anyway to protect his team. And then Weitz is all "Boy, bye"... though not before offering to take him out on a date. Does this man literally have a crush on EVERY member of the team, or??? 

Reade is getting out of hospital, and he leaves his number for Trevor (silly boy, angels don't need phones to speak to you), and the last bit of advice he receives is not to face his demons alone. So c’mon, Reade, who you gonna call?

Okay I am super uncomfortable with drinks being poured on top of the touchscreen table thing. I can't believe Patterson is allowing this. And aww the team thanks Nas for her sacrifice, but lbr they're all secretly glad it's her and not Weller. And then she says a mildly emotional goodbye (she's not really one for touchy feely stuff, lbr), passing the torch to them to continue on her quest against Sandstorm-- and giving them the bank account details, which will no doubt be their next lead. Aaaand yep I am still no closer to understanding anything about why she does what she does or what she wants or anything, really. Which either means that the writers are waaaaay more clever than I am, or they have no more of an idea about it than I do lol. Personally, I'm kinda leaning toward the second...                                                       

Aaaaaahhhh Reade called Zapata. GOOD BOY.  THIS IS THE FIRST GOOD THING YOU'VE DONE IN WEEKS. And ugh he thanks her for coming over and she thanks him for calling back and they HUGGGGGG and I still do not ship them in the slightest but man have I missed their awesome friendship!!!! And then aaahhh he picks up the tape (apparently he's found a VCR at a thrift store or somewhere lol) and tells her that what he was doing wasn't working and that he needs to know so he can move on and then ughhhhh they sit on the couch together and she holds his haaaaaaaand and ugh I so desperately hope that it's just a game tape and ugh I'm terrified to find out and oh man I can’t even imagine watching that with someone knowing that they may be about to see you violated in that way, knowing that this is something they will always be aware of in the back of their mind when they look at you, and mannnn I just can't get over the incredible depth of the relationships in this show like yes this particular situation is horrible but these connections are so what I came here for ughhhhhhh

Ew, Shepherd. I was enjoying a few episodes without you. And okay blah blah blah you've bought something very expensive and very toxic looking in Bangkok. Whatevs. Hope it backfires on you somehow.

And okay that's the ep done, just in time haha. About the promo: my prediction is that the Jeller kiss we saw will actually be interrupted before it happens, but that Jeller will find a way to ensure that some uninterrupted smoochin' happens by the end of the episode. And lbr they are so DUE for a kiss. Like it's a legit pattern; both of them kiss somebody else. Then they kss each other. Then they both kiss someone else again. Then kiss each other. Then, most recently, they've both kissed other people again, people whom they no longer have any relationship with. Which means: this Jeller kiss is a definite guarantee. It's pure science. Just wait til tonight's ep; you'll see. And after that, the pattern’s gonna end, bc these two won’t be kissing anybody but each other ever again ugh

[deargoditsgrace]

Quarantine Update / Life

It’s been God knows how many weeks now of quarantine and seems like everyone’s getting used to what life is now. I know there are some people with heightened anxiety and depression, but for me, I’m really starting to enjoy this time of some solitude. What makes me more anxious is the thought of being obligated to see people. Not because I’m afraid of their germs, but because I’m okay with seeing the people I want to see. 

Quarantine has taught me many things about myself:

1. I lack so much discipline. Most people wouldn’t say I’m lazy, but I do things because my emotions are dragging me to do it. Whether that is working or exercising, I haven’t taught my brain to do them because I need to rather I do them because I feel obligated. I truly enjoy working out - the feeling of accomplishment, the knowing that my body is getting stronger is enticing, but to get myself to go is another thing. I’m no slob, and i would not call myself lazy, but I really want to train my mind and my body that there are some things that just need to be done. 

2. In my best state, I’m constantly trying to better myself. When I have time to think and reflect is probably the most productive time I can give. In the past couple of weeks (maybe less - i just can’t see my world without it rn), I’ve learned to care for my body and what goes into it, the things I see and do, and how I can impact my environment. Some of these changes are to eat better quality foods and to be more in tune with what I am consuming. We are so out of tune with where our diet comes from - the chickens, meat, vegetables - that we just consume without acknowledgment of sacrifice or life. I’m no PETA advocate, but I do want to know that where I buy my food, the ingredients are being celebrated for its life and the nourishment it brings our bodies. For example - instead of buying all of our ingredients from the supermarket - buy more local, organic ingredients and support local businesses and farms while doing so. Though the idea is to eat local and seasonally, we have been trained since our youth to be able to have anything we desire because it will be shipped right to us. Buying local organic meat has been a lot harder because of the cost and because of the ease grocery stores in, but i do hope in the future, we can consume locally raised and slaughtered meat. 

Some of the ways I want to help the environment is to consume less. In the world where cheaper the better, and quantity over quality - we are not used to paying steep prices for basic tees or clothing. The fashion industry especially fast fashion has polluted the world and created more waste than ever before. Its weird to hear things like, “all the plastic you’ve ever consumed ie. toys, toothbrushes, hangers they all still exist on the planet”. Multiply that by the number of people on the earth and BOOM, that’s a load of garbage. No wonder why our earth is freaking out and climate change is real. God tells us to be stewards of not just our bodies, but our finances and even this earth. If we don’t make at least a conscious effort to do our part, then what will be of this earth for our kids in 20 years. I think it’s the small ways you can help that make a difference. Use less, consume less. Don’t buy clothes you dont need, use reuseable bags when shopping for groceries, bring your own cup to starbucks - those things. Personally - I’m aiming to buy more local - ie farmers markets so that we spend less on the transportation of goods, only buying clothes and goods when I need it not just when I want it so when things run out, not because I don’t like it - and hopefully start bulk shopping at the local bulk no package store. 

Some things that I acknowledge when I say these things is my privilege. To have a job where I can afford to live on my own and buy my own groceries but also to choose where I’d like to shop even if that comes at a premium. I know that even when I was a kid, my parents did not think or even consider living this lifestyle because it was unaffordable. They bought me food to nourish my body. I always ate a lot of fruits and vegetables but it didn’t matter whether they were locally sourced or organic. I don’t think the organic label is super important, but I’d like to eat that way if possible and if my means can afford it. I believe that health is wealth and if i look closely at my spending habits, if i stop buying useless, unnecessary goods I can live this way but it is also still expensive. Choosing to shop on a website that is sustainable with no harmful chemicals or items that are ethically made instead of at a sweatshop is something that I want to pursue in the future if not now. But seriously, to do that is extremely expensive so hopefully I can fully live this out even after quarantine. 

3. I like to project my ideas onto others and that needs to stop. All of this self reflection started with my friend Anna who like me wants to be a steward of her environment. Honestly without her, I don’t know if i would be making these conscious efforts but talking through all the things we “wanted” to do, it made sense to actually start doing them. When my other roommate came back from her trip home, she was in some ways shellshocked by all the decisions we made: to not grocery shop for 2 weeks, and to only pick up fresh produce and meat from the farmers market weekly. She caved in less than one day after coming back after saying that she would try it with us. It frustrated me beyond no end because she didn’t try. But it’s not her fault. She didn’t try to do this, she didn’t want this lifestyle and she didn’t see a need to change from the status quo. And honestly that’s fine. And it should be fine. Projecting my lifestyle or lifestyle change is something I hate when people do to me and it seems so two faced when I do it to someone else. But i will admit its hard to even stop those thoughts from forming. Even when we went to the grocery store she was asking what snacks we wanted. I immediately said I didn’t want any because in my mind, they’re filled with other ingredients that I didn’t need. And snacks are a nice to have but when you eat whole foods, I end up not craving them. Occasionally I will, but if i don’t have them i can’t eat them. But immediately i got annoyed like.. this girl eating hot pockets and pizza rolls sigh. Snacks are not inherently bad and I didn’t need to get annoyed but I did. I think i need to approach her lifestyle like Andrew’s. Telling them what I’m doing, but not forcing them to do it with me. It’s a bit easier with Andrew because we don’t live together but imagine if I did. How can I construct the conversation to help them see why I’m doing it, and letting them choose on their own whether they want to also try to do it. 

4. I hate followers. I like doers. If I’m doing something, don’t follow me just because I’m doing it. Make a conscious decision as to the why and then make your own decision. Also if you’re going to say you’re going to do something, then goddamn do it. Don’t make me listen to your desires when in your power you can do all of these things. Just do it. 

5. I should really live by my own mottos.

6. Everyone is a work in progress. Enjoy the ride.