#but I need everything in it for myself and doggo

[razzek]

Ah the joys of disabled life, picking through your gigantic fanny pack to see if you can replace it by carrying the tremendous amount of shit you need to survive outside in a bunch of pockets clipped to your belt. 8)

[twistedappletree]

why are all my friends so afraid of dOING SHIT

[wildgirllz]

this is super random thought that i had about Bucky, i shared it to people before but never put on asks/requests... so could you write something like this?

Imagine you getting a new roommate. Or should I say roommates because you did not expect Bucky would move in with certain adorable fluffball named Alpine. You don't mind though, you always wanted a pet but never had the chance to adopt any. And having Alpine around feels like she's your pet as well.

Your relationship with Bucky wasn't the best or the worst. It was neutral. Mostly because Bucky himself was quite reserved. He is either not at home (possibly in some sort of mission with Sam) or he's curling up with Alpine somewhere within the shared apartment. But that don't mean that y'all are not secretly pining for each other ;)

One day, you came back home from work to see Bucky pacing around anxiously. Turns out Alpine was missing, he can't find her anywhere. So they decided to went out to search for her.

You found Alpine first, she was being chased by an unleashed dog. Your poor baby was running for her life. Not thinking twice, you try to catch up with her and scoop her up to your chest before stumbling on the ground. You ended up hovering over the cat, protecting her from the feral dog. Indirectly getting yourself bitten/scratched on your shoulders, your back, any spot that was exposed to the dog. You were bleeding due to the unrestrained strength from the dog's attacks, but you mind was more concern of the cat in your arms.

When Bucky saw this. How you were literally sacrificing your body for Alpine; well he almost went full winter soldier mode. Like... no one touches "his girls". No one. But he managed to hold it back (cause we don't want to hurt the doggo) and of course, saves the day.

And the next following days were just how Bucky clings to you and do every little thing for you so you don't have to lift a finger when he's around.

You pull out your mug, he would take it from you and get your coffee done before you could stop him. You open the cabinet door in the storage room, he'd take the vaccum out before you could reach out to it. He made sure that your breakfast, lunch and dinner was on the dot; of course he was the chef of all the amazing dishes served to you.

It was nice and all at first but its not like you were paralyzed or something. And its been nearly 2 weeks. Your wounds were almost healed. You wanted to do something at least but apparently Bucky thinks that you needed rest.

So you kinda raised your tone, "i can't even make grab myself snack from the kitchen now? Whats next, Bucky? You'll bathe me? Or better yet you'll help me to get off? Cause god forbid I can't even turn on a fucking vibrator because I'm 'severely injured ' "

You were spouting all the things that you thought he wouldn't have the guts to do, just to make him stop doing literally everything for you. But turns out he was more than willing to do exactly what you just proposed.

Maybe he don't even need to use the vibrator. Maybe his fingers were enough, or his mouth, or his cock.

This is how I imagined it in my head, but feel free to write in your own way though! Have a nice day, love ♡

Girl look at that request 💀 you’re insane

Here you go!! <3

(I most definitely did not do your request justice im so sorry)

Let Me Do It Myself

It had been nearly two weeks since you saved Alpine from the unleashed dog, and Bucky had been hovering over you ever since. At first, it was nice to have someone taking care of you, but now it was starting to feel suffocating.

You were sitting on the couch, trying to work on your laptop, but Bucky kept interrupting you. Every time you tried to do something, he would jump up and do it for you. It was driving you crazy.

"Bucky, please," you said, exasperated. "I can get my own glass of water."

"I just want to help," he replied, looking at you with concern.

"I know, and I appreciate it, but I need to do things for myself. I'm not helpless."

Bucky looked at you for a moment, then nodded slowly. "Okay, I understand. But if you need anything, just ask."

You nodded, relieved that he seemed to be getting the message. But over the next few days, he continued to hover, always ready to jump up and do things for you. You were starting to feel like a burden.

One evening, you were making yourself a sandwich when Bucky walked into the kitchen.

"Let me do that," he said, reaching for the knife.

"No, Bucky," you said firmly. "I can make my own sandwich."

"I just want to help," he repeated.

"I know, but I need to do things for myself. I need to feel like I'm not completely helpless."

Bucky looked at you for a moment, then sighed. "Okay, I understand. But please be careful."

You rolled your eyes. "I will."

As the days passed, you tried to assert your independence, but it seemed like every time you did, Bucky was there to pick up the slack. You were starting to get frustrated.

Then, one day, you snapped.

"I can't even make grab myself snack from the kitchen now?" you said, your voice rising. "What's next, Bucky? You'll bathe me? Or better yet, you'll help me to get off? Because God forbid I can't even turn on a fucking stove because I'm 'severely injured.'"

Bucky looked at you, his expression unreadable. "Is that what you really think of me?"

The passion between them was palpable, the tension wrapping around them tight like a cord in the small bedroom. The thundering rain outside its windows provided the perfect background music for their highly charged moment.

Bucky Barnes had just crossed a line, pushing his luck with pushing the boundaries of her patience, and now he was paying the price. She was angry and she had every right to be. 

'You always do this,' she said, her voice tight with frustration. 'You always think that you know what's better for me than I know for myself.'

'No, I just,' he stumbled over his words, her anger turning him on. 'I don't want you to get hurt.'

She huffed in response, pushing his chest away from her and not even trying to hide her scowl. He stepped back and let his hands slide off of her body, feeling the loss of her warmth instantly.

She knew that her frustration was only turning him on more, which only made her angrier. She wanted to take control of the situation.

' You don't get to make decisions for me, Bucky,' she said, her voice softer this time around, though still firm with her assertion.

He swallowed, his throat actually running dry, his body responding in a way that only she could make it. He stepped closer to her, his hands sliding around her waist before he pulled her into him. 

She expected him to say something in response, not to take her in his arms and bring his lips down upon hers.

Their mouths moved together as if they had done this a million times, each stroke and caress of their lips only making them hungrier for more. His fingers ran up her back, squeezing her closer and further teasing her already sensitised skin.

The taste of him consumed her, making her forget why she was even angry with him in the first place. He let out a groan of satisfaction as her hands ran through his hair, both trying to deepen the kiss.

Finally when they did pull apart, both of them breathing heavily, their eyes connected, neither wanting to break the contact.

He leaned down again, his lips running down her neck, her moan vibrating through his body as he left a trail of gentle kisses. She arched into him as his tongue ran over her collarbone, his hands exploring her body as he moved lower. 

He groaned when his fingers touched her between her thighs and her body instantly reacted, pressing against him, desperate to feel the pleasure his hands were giving her.

He pulled back and looked at her, their eyes still connected as each of them tried to take the other in. His face was filled with admiration and appreciation as he said, 'You're so beautiful.'

He cupped her chin in his hand and kissed her again as he lowered her onto the bed, his body following hers as her hips moved against his. For a moment, he paused, his lips still connected to hers, a question in his eyes, asking for her permission. 

Her eyes answered for her when she let out a soft moan, pushing herself against him even more, pressing his body into hers. 

He responded by pushing himself in, their bodies melting together as he started to move, his hips moments surging upward with each thrust. His hands still moved around her body, both bracing for the intensity of the pleasure, and caressing her soft curves, taking in the sensation of her body against his.

'God, you feel so good,' he said, his words barely audible over her moans of pleasure.

The intensity built as they moved together, each of them finding their release moments later, Bucky burying his face into her neck and calling out her name as his orgasm swept over them.

They laid there, their bodies still connected, until finally Bucky rolled off of her and laid on his back next to her. 

He reached over and gently brushed her hair away from her face, a satisfied smile gracing his face. He paused for a moment, just taking her in, before finally speaking.

'I'm sorry for trying to make decisions for you,' he said softly, regret laced into his voice. 'I just want to take care of you and make sure that nothing ever hurts you. I love you.'

“I love you so much, Bucky.”

[mclaricepoetry-art]

hey guys, I am not one to ask for support in anything, I have always had pride even when I was living paycheck to paycheck 15 years ago, just me and my doggo, living in a cabin out in the Poconos. But, I had folks who became family who help me out. All I am asking is some support for my YouTube Channel which I speak about real things including relationships, life and the shit with Trump and his administration. I don't ask for much of anything because I was always poor until I built myself up which I am continuing to do. I don't have the best equipment for audio on my channel so please bare with me. I'm new to putting my voice out there, speaking my truth and the truth and anything I share on my tumblr that are my words unless I say otherwise and the same goes for my YouTube channel. I believe we need to come together now more than ever, no matter your race, religion, sexuality or anything else for that matter and stand up. Be the Revolution! America is literally on the brink of many things including civil war and a revolution. Everything has a domino effect and the more this shit gets out of control the more it hurts everyone in the United States. I'm not saying do anything crazy...just speak up, speak your truth, you have a right to be heard. Thank you for the support.

[justsomeoneunordinary]

Found your post about Hatake clan relations to agriculture, and you are right about almost everything, except: wolves in Japan are associated with crops!

Here's from Japanese wolf wiki:

"In the Shinto belief, the ōkami ("wolf") is regarded as a messenger of the kami spirits and also offers protection against crop raiders such as the wild boar and deer. Wild animals were associated with the mountain spirit Yama-no-kami. The mountains of Japan, seen as a dangerous, deadly place, were highly associated with the wolf, which was believed to be their protector and guardian."

Hatake clan being a wolf clan is very plausible, it's just would mean a different thing than most people seem to believe.

Wolves are associated with crops and mountains.

There's also yokai okuri ōkami, that protects travellers through mountains unless they accidentally trip; if you trip it will kill you. Apparently it has another name - okuri inu.

"The okuri inu has a special relationship with another yokai, the yosuzume. This eerie bird’s nocturnal song is often a warning that an okuri inu is following you. If one hears the yosuzume’s “chi, chi, chi” song, it is a sign to take extra care to watch one’s footing so that the okuri inu doesn’t have dinner that night." (from yokai dot com/okuriinu/ )

I will admit that I am too lazy to look that information up. But I don't mind that wolves are tied to agriculture and could therefore be tied to the Hatake - my beef with the "Hatake have wolf summons and wolf characteristics" fanon comes from the fact that it's a cheap copy of the already existing Inuzuka clan. The Inuzuka are right there, we don't need Inuzuka 2.0 but make it more feral because wolves are cooler.

It doesn't even make sense, Kakashi's summons are dogs - and not even big mean wolfdogs like Tsume's but cute little pet doggos - and that "heacanon" only serves to make Kakashi and Tobirama (because he gets headcanoned as Hatake 90% of the time solely because of his hair color (which is funny because everyone describes it as white in their fics even tho it's fucking grey like Kakashi's or Kabuto's!!! (and speaking of Kabuto, isn't it funny that he never gets headcanoned for a Hatake even tho he looks more similar to Kakashi than Tobirama does? I wonder why that is. (I don't. I know exactly why that is.)))) extremely OOC.

Neither of them is some kind of growling, feral fighter who claws and bites their way through a battle. Neither is in any way or form extremely overprotective over what they consider theirs because of "pack reasons" (and neither is Sakumo for that matter, Mr "I'll kill myself even tho I am the last family my 5yo son has left"). And neither needs some kind of fangs to bite someone, if this is what people want to write, as Madara has already proven that a strong shinobi can bite a piece of flesh out with perfectly normal teeth.

All three characters are extremely powerful and badass in their own right without adding powers to them that are completely out of character. A headcanon builds up to something canon has already established and the "Hatake are like Inuzuka but with wolves" fanon is so far off that it would be laughable if it wasn't so annoying.

And I don't think tying the Hatake to agriculture is the only right way either. It's merely a suggestion, one that I find makes sense given the little bit we have, and if people want to build up on that and add how they tend to have wolf summons for protection (Kakashi's are still cute doggos tho), then that's fine and hey, at least it makes sense. My beef is just 100% that I think it's extremely cheap to make the Hatake a copy of the Inuzuka because they find wolves cooler than dogs and that's on that.

[vivacia-18]

Rupees as crystallized magic, and other LOZ thoughts...

Was thinking of Zelda stuff the other night when I was out walking my doggo (as one does) and I kinda wanted to list it out here to keep track of it. Don't take anything too seriously, this is just musing for fun, but feel free to adopt any ideas that strike your fancy.

Edit: This got long so I'm going to put it under a cut ^^;

The main setting for this is BOTW (with some TotK tie in) because it's a very fun sandbox to play in, though I absolutely pull from other games

While it's a bit of a stretch, I like to amuse myself with the headcanon that Link can naturally see - and therefore interact with - the magical and supernatural, whereas most people can't. You need to have magic/magical abilities like the Champions and Sheikah/Yiga (or divine liek Zelda... or both like Gan lol) just to have a shot, and the weaker/less trained you are the less you can see/interact. Normal people can't see shit without outside intervention, eg a device like the eye of truth or the magical being in question themselves. That's why NPC's are always so chill when you do crazy shit near them - they literally can't perceive most of what you are doing.

In that vein, this is also why no one else does stuff like harvest rupees from grass or pots - they literally can't because they don't have the magic to perceive them.

Following that, I wondered what might be a good in-universe reason for great fairies to love rupees so much. My thought, which I honestly quite like as it ties things together quite neatly, is that rupees are crystallized magic. They are inert, they can't channel any sort of powers... but for a being made of pure magic like the great fairies, they sure are tasty!

I like to think that the different coloured rupees have different flavours/magical concentration, and so part of the reason not all the great fairies have equal power for upgrading your stuff is because they favour different flavours of rupees. The weakest likes the green ones, with some blue thrown in for funsies. Are they nutritious? Not really, but damn are they tasty. The most powerful obviously likes silver and gold rupees best, though purple are tasty too. They also have more kick, so they can do more to upgrade your stuff ;)

Back to the rupees being crystallized magic, and why they appear... I think it's just another consequence of Hyrule being a literally very magical land that tends to manifest things to bleed it off (eg the stall creatures rising naturally every night). For the rupees that are visible, like under peoples houses and such, I like to think the blupees put them there for fun. For pots, I think as the clay to make the pots came from Hyrules soil it's no surprise they retain the ability to manifest rupees on occasion.

The TotK tie in with all this I was daydreaming on is a classic "What if Link was the one who went to the past" (... admittedly because in this particular AU Zelda didn't live at the end of BOTW - she was a spirit just like the former Champions and dissipated at the end of everything along with them. Sorry guys!)

Aaaaanyways, Link gets a report about weird stuff at the castle, checks it out, ends up in the past, etc etc.

Takes it pretty well (our boy knows how to roll with the punches lol) and Rauru and Sonia basically adult adopt him (he's CUTE dammit, and so carefree but sometimes he just seems so SAD, y'know?)

In this AU Gan and the Gerudo are not immediately attacking; he and a Gerudo party are in fact visiting for diplomatic reasons (aka spying because knowledge is Power and all that) though tensions are definitely high

So obviously they are a common topic of conversation between Rauru, Sonia and Link.

During one of these chats, Link mentions that yeah he can see why the Gerudo would feel the Hylians had it easier to accumulate wealth - harvesting rupees from grass is way faster than from pots and sand dunes afterall.

And Rauru and Sonia just... stare at him. Because wtf? Leading to a whole demonstration of Link whacking grass and breking pots (with permission!) and rupees sprouting up.

And some very confused civilians who can't see the rupees until they appear in Links hands lol

Raura and Sonia could always see them, buuuut they're royalty - they aren't lacking for money and they don't cut grass or break pottery for funsies, so it's never really come up.

Also had vague ideas of a scene where Gan does something impressive with swordplay (like I dunno, an exhibition where he slices through a huge boulder like butter) and Link, hanging out with some of the Gerudo party, is admittedly impressed. But not by the muscle, no; he's impressed at the precise application of raw magic on the edge of the sword to achieve that. There was no elemental bleed through even, just pure power! That's hard to do!

And once again our companion just. Stares. Because whot he fuck is this twink to be able to perceive Lord Ganons magical workings in such detail?! At a single glance?!?!

She drags him over to Gan and gets him to say that all again. Link is very bemused but gamely does so.

Gan in turn is intrigued (and begrudgingly impressed not that he'd ever admit it) because he definitely thought Link was weak at worst and strictly a skilled meathead at best. Who's have thought he actually knew so many big words, let alone had a natural gift with magic?

Sidenote Link can use any magical device with ease and channel a power someone gives him (like the magical equivalent to type O blood), but he can't craft his own magic (outside of the kitchen ;P) worth shit.

Walkies ended there so that's about as far as I got, but I think you see my vision.

Kudos and a cookie if you read this ramble all the way to the end lol.

[alicepao13]

Hudson and Rex S07E08

As I was already spoiled for the ending, I can't say I paid the required amount of attention for everything before the last few scenes. But that's what this review is for, to force me to rewatch this episode.

I hardly know anything about Belize but I have a hard time believing that any cops in any country would refuse to spend some resources to find a fellow cop from another country, unless what we're going with here is that the entire Belizean police is either paid off by the cartels or completely uncooperative, and given how the episode progresses, there's no indication for either.

Never believed that the guy was the victim for a moment, even though he was stabbed right before our eyes. I don't know, something about him. But the way the episode gradually reveals how much of a sleazebag (and in the end a criminal) he is, is really good.

What kind of name is Tober? Shortened from October?

Luke Roberts got a “with” credit in the earlier episode and this one and no one in the fandom even noticed, me included. Sometimes I think we deserve the shit we’re getting from this show.

Okay, tahini definitely does not go on a burger but throwing away they entire burger? Could never be me.

"I don't know what I would have done if I'd lost him". IS THAT FUCKING FORESHADOWING???

Nice catch on Jesse's part to notice Serge's tell and call him out on it.

The woman, Marget, faking her pregnancy was a surprise. I'm so used to the "man cons both women" trope I usually see presented that way in crime shows that I never even gave a thought that she might be in on the whole thing. And Rex kept acting weird around her but everyone, myself included, assumed it was just "doggo smelling that there's something in the lady's belly".

So, hot prowl is when the burglars choose to hit houses when the owners are inside. Never heard of it. Also, sounds stupid from the burglars' side.

See, that's why you don't put such warm colors on our precinct, because you might at some point need to show that a character is in a place like Belize and then your only option will be: just even more orange.

Why does Mark's phone work fine but Charlie's wasn't?

Why is Sarah so surprised that Lina's phone never went missing? It's not like phones aren't an essential part of our lives these days.

Rex can see the number written in fluorescent paint but can't read. Maybe next season.

Joe: *shows the number 1838 in fluorescent written on the glass (very dramatic, Joe)* "Do you recognize this number?" Rosco: "Uh, the year you were born?" I cackled.

"Come work for me". Jesse, you work for the police. You can't make promises to hire people.

Well, I was totally not paying attention or I would have realized Jesse and Sarah had found a passage in one of the crates.

I like the scene with Rex passing the lasers but I'd have liked it more if they hadn't shown it in the sneak preview. Also, I suggest another music. Specifically, the music from the laser scene at Ocean's 13 lol

Dude didn't seem so broken-hearted about getting arrested in the end. What do you mean, "Oh, well"?

It is now time to stop copying other shows, Hudson and Rex. You are copying the wrong damn storylines. Specifically, the ones that I don't care to see again, as I didn't care to see them the first time either.

The scene they shot where they get the news about Charlie, they knew that they were shooting it in case John Reardon couldn’t come back. They all knew what that meant. I personally think this was insensitive towards the rest of the actors at the time it was shot.

For the audience, the only thing that ending would be good for was shock value (which I personally don't like in most cases) but in typical CityTV fashion they managed to fumble the ball again so that half of us already knew what would happen, even before they released the also spoilerish sneak peek.

The scene at the beach? Why would we as the audience want to watch a sad scene with the people close to him mourning Charlie for about a minute or so and then be done with it with a convenient fast forward months later? If you think that your show can’t handle people grieving, DON’T FUCKING WRITE THAT. Kommissar Rex had an entire episode with Rex walking around the house like he was ready to follow his partner in his grave. He would barely eat, he wouldn’t go out of the house, he didn’t want to work cases. The audience was practically begging for anyone to manage to lift his spirits (and that’s where the new guy came in). And Rex was acting like that months afterwards. It was fucking heartbreaking, it had ripped my heart right out of my chest and then stomped on it. Sarah, too, seems to have moved on just a few months later. Like, I obviously can't tell what's in her head in a few seconds but neither can anyone else and there is no grief! It’s appalling. At this point, and while talking about this scene in particular, whether Charlie is dead or not doesn’t matter. With this scene, he becomes a footnote in his own show. A sad thing of the past.

And there was no reason to write either of these scenes. Charlie’s fate could have been written as a mere disappearance which led to a cliffhanger without making people think he’s dead, until they could have known if they could get John Reardon back for next season. The result for the audience is the same, but with more genuine reactions from the characters and we wouldn’t need to jump to several months later. The episode could have ended with them not knowing about Charlie’s whereabouts. I know that it’s not an ideal ending but that’s the theme of the season. There is no reason to write something purely for shock value. If you cannot resolve anything, as they clearly could not, this isn’t the answer. Everything’s still unresolved but now you’ve put the message in the show that Charlie and Rex’s partnership isn’t a bond that cannot break, Charlie and Sarah’s relationship isn’t something immovable. And it’s probably for nothing, unless the show is way dumber than I think they already are and I’m wasting my time.

[kimmimaru]

The thing about having a diagnosis of ASD is that although its almost like a relief, I know why I am the way I am, it also changes how everyone treats you. I'm in my late 30's, a fully grown adult with a child of my own, but I have no control over my own life. I need help in some areas, for example general life organisation and stuff, but people have now taken it to the extreme. This week the child beast has off school, I wanted to go meet up with my sister and her kids so the cousins can play at the park or something while my sister and I catch up. But I can't do that because the person who is supposed to be helping me had booked back to back appointments for the entire bloody week. They do this way too often. I don't get to choose whether I have these appointments or not. Everyone else decides. I feel like a child, its rediculous. I don't make desicions for much at all anymore, everyone else does it for me.

I don't understand how it happened, maybe its my fault. I'm not living, I'm currently just existing. Feel like I'm stuck in stasis. I wanted help to give me MORE independence, not to have it taken away. Every time someone asks me to do something lately I feel so angry. I don't get angry very often, annoyed, yeah, not 'I want to hit someone' angry. I'm not a violent person, so far from it that I can't even handle watching boxing on TV. It makes me feel sick. Like, this isn't who I am? I lost myself somewhere these past few years and I don't know where to find me again. I've been sick this past week with flu, normal flu. Nothing serious. But the person helping me freaked out like I was dying. It was weird. I just wanted to rest but if I asked for a few days to rest they said I needed to go to the doctors or hospital? Insane overreaction. Its flu, not the plague. I'm autistic so there's very little wrong with my body, I can walk, talk and everything. I just need help organising my self and my home, that's all. Now I just feel useless. I'm trying to teach my daughter to look after herself and surroundings right? So I give her chores. Like any child, she is not happy about this and fights me on it. She's 11, this is expected. An abslutely normal thing for kids to do, everyone hates chores. But the person I have helping me is telling me that perhaps my daughter won't be able to live independantly and I shouldn't make her do stuff. This child gets herself up every morning, goes to school on time, gets herself dressed, gets breakfast, everything. Every single day. She is also autistic but she IS capeable. I know what she's capeable of and what she's not. The reluctance to do chores is just normal kid stuff, she would much rather be watching TV or playing her games or something. Its natural. But they tell me I need to be hovering over her, doing her chores for her and stuff. If she couldn't do it, I wouldn't expect her to do it? Its just picking stuff up off her bedroom floor and putting her things away? I'm not asking her to deep clean the entire house or wait on me like a servant. I used to write and draw so much and now I have nothing. Absolutely no desire to do anything anymore. I'm probably depressed tbh, but that is nothing new I'm not suicidal so no worries there. I have my child beastie to look after and the doggos. I'm telling random internet strangers because if I tell my family the obsessive coddling will get worse and that won't help at all. What I would give to have the money to just move away somewhere, but I suppose the grass is always greener or whatever. So I am just going to endure. Put up with it and just go on drifting through life. Bleh. Boring. Everything is so fucking boring.

[kaddyssammlung]

Ramblings....

TW: all of my typical bs....implied sh...so.....as usual I don't care if no one reads this...this is for me

Yesterday I felt really good. I have not felt this good in a long time. But this morning I woke up feeling weird.

During my walk with my dog I started to sob and could not stop. My doggo was a bit nasty and wanted to eat someone's throw-up and when I saw that I grabbed him on his collar and pushed him away in a really aggressive way. I immediately hated myself so much for that. Idk what came over me in that second?! I usually just get very assertive with my voice and then he stops. I don't need to be an abusive asshole like that. What the f* was that?! When sh*t like this happens I always want to punish myself right away. You can always use your fingernails to hurt yourself. Right?!

That's how I think btw. That's just how I think...I don't actually do that or did that. I just sobbed and felt my pain and my anger and my disgust with myself instead.

I could not stop crying for hours today. I was so angry....he could have eaten something bad for him. Who knows what that person had in their stomach?! Substances?! I was scared....

I'm such a*.......

Maybe I should punish myself now?! Maybe I should do nothing and just sit again with my anger....I had no idea that writing this down would make me even more angry.

Tomorrow is Valentine's day and I just remembered why it's good that I'm single. I can't even treat my dog well.

I guess I'm just really sad and dissapointed.

But also....I'm almost half a year self-harm free :) I mean....My relapse seems to be over because I was self-harm free for many years. I don't want to do this. I really don't want to do this! Staying strong...but sometimes it's really hard. Sry for my words...and everything...

[always-coffee]

Cash (June 5, 2017-March 19, 2024)

It’s so strange, to me—the emptiness.

The space that used to be filled has gone silent. The bed is empty. The food dish unfilled.

I find myself haunted by absence. An imagined footfall or jingle of a collar. A whine in the night.

Walking down the stairs with the expectation of happy butt wiggles and cute, seal-faced joy. Being careful not to drop food, because the dog might eat it. (He pounced on everything you dropped, always. He was on a very particular diet for health reasons.)

So much of my life and my daily life revolved around him. A few summers back, my dad even painted the back sliding door, because Cash was very offended that birds exist and kept hurling himself at the glass. Once he couldn’t see them, he chilled out. He also was annoyed if someone was Outside and he was inside. Keep in mind, he didn't want to be outside. He just didn't want you out there.

Cash had a very specific bed time. He could tell time incredibly well. And he would be very annoyed if his bedtime came and went and he wasn’t tucked in. He’d stare at you, like, “Hey, excuse me. We’re late.” He knew different days of the week, and he knew when to expect one of my siblings for a weekly visit.

He objected to departures, because how dare you. The only way to placate him was to offer him a plate of snackies as you exited. He loved bananas and ice cubes with a little bit of pumpkin frozen in them. I still have a whole baggie of them in the freezer. I'd just made him a fresh batch of sweet potatoes, his favorite treat, the other day. I cannot bring myself to throw them out yet.

He was very smart and learned tricks fast. This was the first dog I ever trained without my mother around. Sometimes, I was very sure he was smarter than me. He was also very, very stubborn, and you could tell when he heard a command and was like, nope.

Cash had anxiety. He was on meds. (Big fan of meds. The difference they made for him was incredible.) He saw a specialist. She was a godsend and went above and beyond to help, especially when he started to have health issues last year. Then, in Sept., he bloated, and an emergency surgery saved his life. The second I realized the symptoms (because I dive into research mode when I am trying to fix or help), it was off to the doggo ER before the sun began to rise.

Most dogs are fine after bloat surgery, if it's caught in time. Cash was not. Because Cash also had IBD and to get him to eat following his surgery, he got food that he wasn’t supposed to have. This caused all sorts of chaos for him. For months, I hand-filled a new medicine (powder into gel caps). I became very good at it, despite looking like I was moonlighting as Walter White. Or Scarface. Later, I made approximately 400 phone calls to get him a different med that he needed and had to come from a specialized pharmacy.

By all accounts, he should’ve died back in September, so the time since then has been extra time. I missed so many things taking care of him, spending time with him, playing allllll the rounds of fetch (his favorite). It took up so much of my time and energy. This is the summarized version. But I would’ve done it forever, if it would have made a difference. And I’d do it all again tomorrow, even feeling the way I do right now. I don't love small.

(This was all this week's newsletter, if that interests you. It's free: https://buttondown.email/alwayscoffee.)

[ashs-nerd-den]

Studyblr community prompt: Week 7

Do you study during the weekend? If so, is there a specific weekend study routine you follow? Tell us about what your weekends are like, and feel free to share some pictures of it!

I study whenever my brain let's me. If I have an opportunity, I'm taking it because there is only so much time that I am able to do so without my body screaming at me, or it just shutting down and refusing to cooperate, so whether I'm waiting for my toast to pop or for my mam to finish her makeup, I'm either doing flashcards or studyclix quizzes.

So, Fridays are: spend time recovering from being alive and having to get out of bed, being a human (I'm chronically ill, brushing my teeth requires recovery), then clean water needs cleaning, get water chores need doing done and if I still have any energy, I'll do homework while watching something on TV with my parents (nothing essay style though, I do flashcards or maths or make notes and my mam does case studies while my dad sits their in confusion at how us ADHDers are able to do schoolwork and follow everything at the same time, yet we can't remember any tasks with more than 3 steps unless it's written down)

Saturday, essays, general study ect

Sunday: anything that I didn't get done, I'm doing it then, whether it's maths, fixing my dad's work trousers or some random ass project that I started on Thursday at half eleven to procrastinate an essay, I'll get it done on Sunday and then it's flop and let the doggo sleep on me time

Now I am going to try to convince myself to do the last poem of my essay and the conclusion because I am absolutely EXHAUSTED from the hospital, cleaning and doing my Irish essay yesterday so that I'm actually studying on the weekend and not just writing about it while staring at a ¾ finished essay

[oceanwarm]

recharging myself w nature. the sound of the crickets, breathing the fresh smell of air, the air whistling and all the greens i am seeing are everything i needed today.

i’m glad i decided to go out and barefooted for 5 mins going uphill tbh i felt the happiest for my feet haha plus i met a new doggo friend, his owners were very kind too.

anyway, i’m taking this time appreciating nature and its beauty — mother nature really always helps me appreciate more the littlest things in life 🌿

[acefaun]

6 weeks???

Where are you?

💔

LEMME TELL YOU. I've been scatterbrained for weeks. 😵‍💫 I don't think it helps that I only get Mondays off from both of my jobs, yet I have to do chooooores on Mondays. 😩 Ew real life stuff!

But life needs to slow down. Too much is happening at once.

-my bestest brother came home from the air force and I'm soooooo happy! But he and his wifey are divorcing(mutually and platonically staying friends), but it's stirring up drama with our dad because he doesn't like their relationship at all.

-I've been dog-sitting my brother's foxy doggo. 💖 Literally a fox. 👀 She's a precious little furball! lookie:

-I went visit my doggo Gemini who's been happy with another family member! She's an excited little crack head and it made me happy to see her again. 🥰

-then my bro got a cat and caused even more drama since our family hates cats... But he's cute little black cat with green eyes and his name is Loki. 😚 I wuv him.

Sooooo nothing too bad happening aside from my dad being seemingly concerningly suicidal and giving me anxiety 24/7 because I'm scared he's going to overdose again while no one's looking; and my (ex?)girlfriend kind of having a fiance and not talking to me or apologizing since she gave me fleas... 😵‍💫

BUT ITS FINE. My new medicines make it hard to feel sad over situations that aren't really mine to control. ✨

Amidst all this and my scatterbrained situation, I was struggling to figure out how I wanted to approach my fanfics or whatever I wanted to do.

AND I FIGURED IT OUT! ✨

I'm going to RESTART!

I don't mean I'm deleting anything, but I'm going to go back to the beggining. I'll go rewrite and update my old fics and make them in the same format as my new fics!

Then, I'm posting all of my fics on A03 so I can better organize myself and make it easier for everyone to find my fics in one nice place.

I also want to work on my links... Because I found that some of them don't go to my fics anymore and I was getting pretty frustrated with it. 🤔 So I'm going to fix all that!

And hopefully I'm happy with everything once I'm finished. 😙 But that's what's up. I'm not out on purpose. I'm just trying to figure out a plan.

[dododan]

Forgotten Perseverance - Chapter 11

Masterpost

Prologue

Katharina had to face Undyne, but their fight was interrupted by Sans. In addition, Kath was able to summon a shield of magic. This introduced anxiety among the friends. Could this be a magical contamination? Or perhaps something else? The only person who knew the answers to these questions was Doctor Gaster.

I entwined Undyne with my magic. Bones appeared around her, preventing movement. I couldn't let her do anything else. She sat on the ground surrounded by bones, wandering restlessly with her eyes. I wasn't interested in startling or frightening her. Something else was more important at the time. Immobilising her at least gave me time. I needed to de-escalate the situation. With Doggo I had already fought, and with Undyne I didn't want to. It could have ended badly. If she was injured, the king would find out. It could have ended badly for all of us.   

I approached Katharina. The girl was still staring into the distance. Paps found himself right next to her. He was throwing questions at her, but the girl was not responding to anything. Was she in, that much of a shock? I gently touched her shoulder, looking into her eyes.  

"Kath, are you all right?” 

The teenage girl looked at me. Her gaze was blank. She again drove her gaze to the trapped Undyne. I honestly admit that at that time I didn't care what was happening to her. I was only interested in Katharina. She could have been seriously injured by the monster's antics. Kath grasped my hand, smiling weakly. Her behaviour was strange. She turned towards Undyne. Only then did I notice that the trapped girl was in tears.   

This surprised me to no small extent. Undyne was cowardly as a kid, but she didn't cry. Nor would she ever attack anyone. Which was even more ridiculous. Only, with a human as a friend, could anything be normal?   

 “Sans, can you free her?” Katharina asked suddenly. I stared at her, unsure of her actions. Undyne could cry, but she was pushed against the wall. She could have done anything. "Sans?”   

Was there anything left for me to do other than trust Katharina? In theory, I could have left Undyne like that and taken Kath and Paps' flocks. Only then I was in for a stormy discussion with Katharina. To put it lightly. I sighed heavily giving way. A moment later Undyne was free.  It didn't change the fact that she continued to cry. Only this time she was trying to wipe her tears with her sleeves. I didn't need to get any closer to help Katharina if necessary. But it was not necessary.   

 The teenager knelt down opposite Undyne, pulling a packet of tissues from her pocket.   

 “I think you could use some,” Katharina said in a fully calm voice. How could she be composed at this moment? Undyne could have even killed her. “Seriously, take it. It's a shame about the sleeves.”  

Undyne looked uncertainly at Katharina's outstretched hand with a packet of tissues. She took it carefully, acting as if the woman was about to attack her at any moment. She wiped her cheeks, looking at Katharina carefully.    

“Why?”   

“Because she has more oil in her head than you?” I said in the monster's direction, shrugging my shoulders. “Ow!” I clutched my ribs as Papyrus hit me from the elbow. Kath, on the other hand, raked me with her eyes. I decided it was safest for me to remain silent.   

 “Is it wrong to protect those we care about?”  Katharina asked. “Your intentions were good and they can't blame you for them. I probably would have done the same myself," she added with a smile.   

Katharina changed Undyne's life. It was thanks to her that she became motivated to train. She no longer fought to prove something to someone just to protect. She meant a lot to her, so I will never understand how Undyne could forget her like that. She cut herself off from everything that could remind her of Katharina. She didn't talk to us for a long time, but devoted herself completely to her training. It took many years for her to start talking to me, Papyrus or Alphys. Although it was never like that before. I don't understand how they could deal with her like that. To forget. To treat her like any other soul, and she wasn't like that.   

Somehow, with those words, she gave Undyne hope. Hope for a better tomorrow. Hope that one day things could be different. That belief gave her strength every day. She rose to the heights of her abilities. She pushed her limits, becoming a flame of hope. It was Undyne who later became the hope-bringer in the Underworld. She was able to lift everyone's spirits. She sincerely believed that one day we would all see the Surface together. That's why I couldn't understand how she could abandon it so easily.   

But let's get back to the story.   

After Katharina's words, Undyne did not speak to us again that day. She silently watched us at the dump as we returned to the search. We decided to leave the matter of Katharina's magic for later. There was nothing wrong with her, but it was better to drop by the lab just to be sure. Core was not far from Waterfall, almost on the border with Hotland. Unfortunately I didn't find anything for Al, but Katharina found some tapes that we wanted to check later. I hoped they would be some new cartoons, as the ones we had at home Paps already knew by heart.    

I decided that the fastest way was to teleport. Hotland wasn't that far away. I could easily teleport us there.  

"Are you sure you're all right?" Kath asked, looking at Undyne, after the search was over  

Undyne only shyly nodded her head in response. Katharina smiled at her and touched my shoulder.   

"Are you sure you can do it?" asked the teenager with a slight smile.  

"What, you don't believe in my abilities?" I pretended to be indignant. A little banter hasn't hurt anyone yet.   

"Not so much after the last one. You broke the lamp," said Katharina, waiting for my reaction. "And now you want to move four people.”   

 “It is not difficult" I defended myself. The magic was going better and better for me.   

“You teleported from the room to the corridor” - she pointed out, wrinkling her eyebrows.  

I clenched my teeth wonderingly.   

"Can we finally go to Dady?” asked an already slightly impatient Papyrus. I rubbed his head, adding that we could go now. It was better not to tempt fate.   

We walked to the border, to Hotland. Not many lived in this place. Only a few fire elementals and some scientists. There was constant heat here, caused by the river of lava flowing through the canyons. It wasn't until Mettaton started his business here - a hotel with a restaurant and a TV studio. He turned the place into a real theme park.   

Hotland consisted entirely of rocky mountains of different heights and rock shelves. This created canyons in which a river of lava flowed. Most of the passageways were fenced with barriers, but in some places they were still missing. However, there was enough width in our path that we did not fall down onto the lower ledges or into the river. It was unlikely anyone would have enjoyed such a swim. The teenager looked around in awe. Hotland was indeed amazing. Majestic rocks with lava flowing among them. A better view in my opinion than the waterfalls, but it depends on your taste. There was an unbroken silence here. Unlike other places in the Underground. Together we headed towards the Laboratory. I wish we had used teleportation, but sometimes with magic it's better to be careful. Especially with mine.  Nevertheless, I made some progress with teleportation. I was training hard at the time to somehow increase my level, but it was coming along clumsily. I trained hard every day to master the basic skills. As a kid, I discovered my magic very late. My father at one point suspected that I would not be able to wield it. However, I surprised him one day while playing. I dropped some books from a cupboard using magic.  I was bored of playing with blocks and wanted to read books. I was too short to reach them. Through an accident, my magic was then revealed. My father was overjoyed, but that soon passed. I had to put a lot of effort into training to do the simplest things - like moving objects or summoning bones. It wasn't until recently that the training started to bear fruit. My magic was extremely strong for a young monster, and controlling it was not easy. It cost me a lot of effort, but at least I knew that I wouldn't accidentally hurt anyone. I preferred to focus on mastering my strength rather than technique or other fancy fighting styles.   

However, let's get back to the story.   

We were walking along one of the many bridges in Hotland. High polished railings on either side. Some weeks earlier, the king had ordered the replacement of all the railings in Hotland. They were deteriorating fast because of the high temperatures there. They were changed every few years. Therefore, in some places, there was nothing near the slopes. You had to be careful and not go near the edge. I had already pointed out to Paps several times not to get too far away from me. Fortunately, Paps was too preoccupied with Kath's magic to run around as was his habit. He was an exuberant kid.   

"And can you summon that shield again!" Papyrus kept attacking Katharina with his questions. I think he overwhelmed her a bit with it.   

“I don't know if I can do it," Kath said uncertainly, glancing surreptitiously at me.   

I think she was looking for a rescue. I just smiled shrugging my shoulders. It was kind of funny. Why shouldn't I take the opportunity to laugh a little? Katharina looked at me. I could see anger in her eyes. She was rather unhappy with my reaction.   

"Then I'll teach you!" exclaimed Papyrus, jumping up next to Kath. "I'll show you how to summon the bones or....”   

“We'll ask my father first" I interrupted.   

It would have been better, however, for my brother not to get too worked up. At the time, we didn't know what Katharina might do. I feared that even simple things might be too demanding for her. What's different when he pesters her with questions, and what's different when they come up with something stupid together. Kath smiled at me. Somehow I seemed to have softened around her. I thought I could stand teasing her longer. We quickly arrived at the site. The laboratories were mostly underground. The higher you were in the hierarchy, the lower your laboratory was. And, as Father was a royal scientist his office was on floor -3. On the ground floor, through which we walked, there were many smaller rooms where junior scientists and trainees worked under the supervision of more experienced ones. Father somehow never took any interest in teaching the 'freshers' as he used to say. With him, only the best went into teaching. Those with the greatest potential, whom he spotted during his work.  

The academics didn't care about us. Most, if not all of them knew me and Papyrus by sight. Some even said a brief hello to us. The monsters here did not pay much attention to Katharina. They knew about the king's ban on Katharina's untouchability. No one could do her any harm. They were not stupid enough to risk their jobs as punishment. We walked up to the lift. I pressed the button. It was a new acquisition at Core. The scientists had installed it a few months ago. It performed brilliantly, and how much time it saved. It used to take almost twenty minutes to get down to the lowest floors. Now only five. My father also stopped complaining that he had to jump between floors to discuss something with his colleagues. Some of them had charges, so they had to sit on the upper floors. After a while, we heard a short beep, indicating that the lift had arrived. A metal door slid open in front of us. Five minutes later we were in the corridor that led to my father's laboratory. The largest in the entire building. This is where Father and his closest colleagues were located. It was quiet and peaceful here, unlike the other floors.   

I was just about to knock when the door was opened by Father himself.   

"What are you doing here?" asked the surprised father. "How did you get in here?" He added after a moment. I think that surprised him more than why we came here.   

“We are your sons, that's reason enough," I replied a little dryly. My father touched his temples and then massaged them.   

"Excuse me," he began, moving away from the doorframe. "Come in. I've had a rough day" added my father. We went inside. It was a bit of a mess. Papers were strewn everywhere. "My co-workers had gone to get something to eat. They will probably be back in a while" he turned to us. "What was so important for you to come here?" He asked, leaning against the desk top. He crossed his arms, waiting for our answer.   

I took a few minutes to tell my father what had happened at the Dump. My father listened with concentration. When I got to the point where Katharina had formed a shield out of her magic, he spoke up.   

"How do you feel after that?" Gaster asked, looking at Katharina. "Do you have any pain? Do you have any nausea?" ratcheted up his question by looking closely at the teenager. As if he was hoping she had some visible changes. Katharina mused, after a moment she answered in the negative. "Hm..”.  

“You're doing it again” I pointed out to him. I broke my father out of his reverie with my remark. He looked at me expecting the question that was boiling in my head. He saw through me again. But what wonder. Like father like son. “What did you find in the tests?”  

“Nothing out of the ordinary” my father replied, correcting his glasses. He took the cards in his hand, looking at them. “Healthy magic. Looks like that of any monster” he added, reading his notes.   

“Then why didn't you tell us?” I asked puzzled. I didn't understand it. Surely he knew it from the beginning.   

 “Because I've never researched human magic,' he replied completely calmly, putting the papers down.” I didn't know what healthy magic looked like in humans. Just because it looks healthy by our standards doesn't mean it's healthy for her,' he pointed with a nod at the teenage girl, who went a little pale. Her father noticed this. “Katharina, take it easy. You're not in any danger” said the father, turning towards the teenager. “I had everything under control. You have no symptoms of magic poisoning” he turned towards the desk again. “I asked a friend who is more familiar with biology to test your blood. Where did I get this...” he said to us, looking for some papers. “I've got it” he lifted the piece of paper up to get a better look at it. “He did a comprehensive examination modelled on yours. Everything was fine” he finished his argument, putting the papers away. “Your body is healthy.”   

“Then how did I manage to summon this shield?” Katharina asked. Her colours came back. Apparently her father's words had calmed her down enough.   

"It must have been a matter of instinct," said Gaster. "This is normal for everyone. Human or monster" added the father, crossing his arms.   

“So that means...” Katharina started a little uncertainly.   

“You need training” my father finished. “Your magic is stable, but uncontrollable. You could use a few.” 

...  

It's been a few days since I started my training. Every day I take turns practising with Sans or Mr Gaster. In the morning I learned the basics of magic with Sans. His morning lessons were cancelled because his teacher got sick. He was giving me mostly theories. He talked about the flow of magic in the body. How it forms when you use it. All you have to do is concentrate and imagine the magic surrounding your hand and you're done. At least in theory, a purple glow should appear around my hands. I tried, but it didn't always work. Sometimes nothing happened. Other times my hands glowed. And still other times it came out smoothly. Sans said it was one of the exercises for mastering the intensity of the magic, when using it. He said this was something I needed to master to perfection so that I wouldn't have problems with more difficult spells at a later stage of my training. He also talked about the feeling of warmth inside when using magic. These are the vibrations of the soul. It's hard to feel them at first. But you have to learn to sense them in order to control magic well. To match your breath to the vibration to control it as well as possible. I had the task of focusing on these vibrations and my breathing. Simple breathing exercises. Nothing difficult in theory. However, I had some problems. The magic wasn't listening to me. Sans said that this was normal in the beginning. He said I needed time to get used to it. Easy for him to say. He mastered it himself as a child.   

Then, when he went to school, sometimes one of the girls would come to me. Alphys would talk to me about the Underground. About how life was here, what we could see together. Lizard Woman wanted us to go to the Dump again. She figured she could find parts for the computer herself. We were also planning another trip to the ice rink, but at a more convenient time, when there would be fewer monsters there. Occasionally Saera would also drop by if she wasn't busy with some new project. She kept urging me to go shopping. She said I couldn't have so few clothes.   

As for Undyne, she only dropped by a couple of times. Although the first time was quite interesting. I would never have thought that someone could, be so pesky when apologising. I also didn't know it was possible to blush purple. Later on, Undyne didn't come alone. Usually with Alphys, a bit like she didn't dare to be alone with me. Maybe she was a bit ashamed of it at the Landfill. Nevertheless, we managed to find a common language. Karate. Undyne seemed fascinated by the fight, although she tried to put the brakes on with me.   

Alphys was worried about her internship at the lab. She had managed to get there, but wanted to shine somehow to get an internship with Dr Gaster. Undyne, on the other hand, was not particularly concerned about school. She was more concerned with finding a sparring partner. She had recently started pestering people from the Guard to help her with her training. I wondered if I should offer to help her.   

Sitting like that with the girls felt really good. Was sitting with Sans or Papyrus. It was worse when I was left alone. Somehow the loneliness bothered me more. I missed my friends. I had already been here for two months. I really wanted to know how Jenny was doing at school. We were supposed to do a history project together this year. Peter was probably having trouble finding a new training partner. They really understood me. I could tell them anything. Here it was different. No one here could replace my friends. I could gain new ones, but somehow I couldn't accept that I was only a guest in their lives after all. Even though I told Sans that we would definitely see stars one day. I don't think I fully believed it myself. Why should anything change just because I'm here?   

“I take it you have other more interesting things on your mind than learning magic?” Mr Gaster asked.  

We were both sitting on the floor of my room. We were meditating, or at least I was trying to. In my case, I only ended up sitting cross-legged and closing my eyes.  

“I'm so sorry,” I said, tilting my head slightly. I felt a little silly. Mr Gaster is giving me his time, even though he has little of it for recent projects. “I will correct, I don't want to waste your time.” 

“You are not wasting it," Gaster replied calmly. “Mistakes allow us to learn and succeed.” I raised my gaze to the man. He stood up from the floor shaking out his trousers. It was strange to see him in normal clothes and not in a kit. Sometimes he walked around the house in it. Today he had exceptionally dispensed with it. "I think I even know how to solve today's problem" he said, extending his hand towards me. “A change of scenery might also prove useful.” 

Always worth a try, right? I trust Mr Gaster. Apparently he sees more than I think. He helped me up from the ground. Then, as if on cue, a purple glow surrounded us. Magic surrounded us, and in the next moment we were in a place I had seen for the first time. I involuntarily let go of Mr Gaster's hand while looking around.   

The place resembled a Waterfall. There was fluorescent grass growing everywhere, and Echo Flowers growing in places. The sound of water could be heard in the distance. Only, this place was different from the rest. The ceiling shone. It shimmered like the night sky on a cloudless night.   

“Reminiscent of the night sky, aren't they?" the scientist asked, standing next to me. I nodded my head. He was right. It really did look so real. "Some monsters come here when they doubt. Or when they long for the Surface,” he added, also gazing intently at the rocky ceiling. "I myself like to come here and clear my mind. To recall the beauty of the stars, or at least some substitute for it" Mr Gaster's last words caught my attention.   

“Have you ever been to the Surface?" I asked, looking at him closely. "But the barrier... “ 

 “In my youth, when it wasn't there yet” he replied, without taking his eyes off the rocky sky. There was a gentle smile on his face. It was very different from his everyday seriousness.   

“Was it by any chance like this a few hundred years ago?” I asked, not really believing what he was saying.   

“For the powerful monsters, the Bosses, time runs differently,” he said without taking his eyes off the vault. “We live thanks to magic. You could say that we are long-lived" Mr Gaster looked at me, smiling indulgently. “The only thing that can change this is death in battle or having a child.” 

“A child?” - I interrupted, and Mr Gaster laughed lightly.   

 “Sometimes I forget that you don't know much about our race yet,” he stated, glancing at the ceiling again. “Bosses pass on their magic to their descendants so that they are as strong or stronger than their parents. Then they leave” Mr Gaster looked at me expecting some questions or at least confirmation that I understood. I nodded gently. “Coming back, I lived a very long time. I was born a few years before the end of the war. That is why I remember the stars. I also remember the longing for my old life. Friends” the Doctor turned towards me, putting his hand on my shoulder.  “That's why I understand what may be occupying your mind.” 

Mr Gaster fell silent, staring at me. I looked away abashed. Would it be right to tell someone?   

 “Maybe it would be easier for you to confide in Sans, but one of your new friends,” the doctor replied after a longer moment of silence. His voice was still soft. All in all, I wouldn't have suspected him of such a soft side.   

 “They won't understand,” I spoke up, unable to look at Mr Gaster.   

“I agree. None of them have ever experienced anything like that,” the doctor concluded. “That's why I offer you the talk of someone who also misses”  

I scowled. Somehow I was not used to such conversations with adults. They usually didn't listen or considered our problems trivial. My parents always said that. They rarely had time to listen, if they had time to be at home at all.   

“I just...” - I tried to find some words that would help me at least a little. I was grateful that Mr Gaster didn't rush me. “'It's so overwhelming somehow,” I said, staring at my shoes. “I can't see them. To say that...” I fell silent, feeling tears gather in my eyes. I felt a hand on my back.   

“Calm down, we have time” I think for the first time since the beginning of the conversation, I raised my eyes and looked at Mr Gaster. He was just waiting. He was smiling encouragingly.   

“I should apologise to them. I was so selfish, and going into that cave was my idea. I dragged them there. I always made them do what I did. I never gave way to them in anything. And now...” my voice broke down. I couldn't hold back the tears anymore.   

 I felt so bad that I argued with them. I ignored them. What did they have to endure because of me? I was so stupid.   

“I think it will come in handy,” Mr Gaster said, handing me a handkerchief. “I'm sure your friends and family know that's not true. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes”  

 “Friends” I corrected him. “My family are just my friends.” Somehow my parents were not who I missed. They were never there and my disappearance probably won't change anything. I think I surprised Mr. Gaster with my boisterous statement. He looked thoughtful. "They're alive, if that's what you're thinking, but they were never interested in us. It was always just work.” I wiped the tears on my cheek once more.   

“Parents have a lot of responsibilities and sometimes they forget that the most important thing is to be next to the children,” he replied more thoughtfully. “I think I stepped on some sensitive string.”  

 “I didn't mean you” he silenced me with a hand gesture. 

“You didn't offend, rather you reminded me of the fact that I should spend time with my sons myself. I worked a lot to keep them safe," said Mr Gaster. The smile suited him better than the serious or worried expression I usually see him with.   

“Probably from what happened in the lab,” I said dispassionately. After a moment I realised what I had said. I immediately covered my mouth with my hands. I looked at Mr. Gaster with slight apprehension. I was expecting a shout. I had crossed a line. Saera had told me not to broach the subject.   

“Relax,” the doctor said, patting me on the shoulder. It seemed to me that for a moment his eye flashed purple. "I guessed that you knew. What happened then is no secret either. You were very careful with us. The boys might not have noticed it, but they are still young," he added, laughing slightly. After a moment he straightened up again looking at the starry ceiling. "Longing hurts, but you can't let it drive you. Your loved ones are alive, so don't lose hope. I think me and my group are very close to breaking through the barrier.”  

Mr Gaster fell silent, once again returning his gaze to the rocky sky. I followed his lead. He was right. Those crystals really did resemble stars.

[tainted-by-skeletons]

Bully Reader X Sans (Part One)

(SFW And there's a little Sans X Grillby in this chapter.)

Getting drunk with your friends is always a good idea when it's just your friends. But when the guy you keep picking on is asleep on a bar stool and someone has a marker handy… do the nice thing, and not the thing you want to do. Okay?

“Hey Y/N! Look, Sans is sleeping!”

“Heheheh~ nooo waaayy~”

“You should go mess with him. We do it all the time. It's okay.”

“Aheheh. Okay. Doonnn tell em.”

“Haha we won't. Go on!”

It's a lot harder to resist when you're drunk and a bunch of dog monsters are telling you that you should totally do it and everything will be okay. The good thing is, I wasn't as mean as I could have been. I was handed a marker by a large monster whose face was mostly made up of teeth. (Nice guy by the way) I took it without any hesitation and made a beeline to the small skeleton. The joyful crowd behind me and complete lack of restaurant staff gave me more than enough courage. But even then, I did still have one problem.

“Wait! What the hell do I draw on him?”

“Anything! Come on! He's not a light sleeper. Just draw something funny!”

“Or cuuute!~ hehehe~” Brandy giggled.

Brandy was a perpetually drunk bunny monster who spent all her time at Grillby's and had a crush on Sans. I'm really not sure why. Yet, her suggestion actually gave me an idea. It was something that would probably look funny on him, and I couldn't mess it up either.

I won't have anyone knowing I can't draw. So I'm gonna give him freckles and little cheek hearts.

I giggled to myself as I spotted the skeleton’s strangely soft white cheeks with black permanent marker. Thankfully, he was sleeping with his chin on the bar on top of his arms. That way I could easily draw what I needed.

“Okay lemme see! Heheh. What did you- oh really? Laaame.”

“Whattt?! Whaddya meeean?”

“Why didn't you write something on his forehead?”

It wouldn't be legible.

“Aww man. I gueeess I should have.”

“Here. Give it to me. I'll do it.”

Doggo, the mostly blind member of the royal guard, took my marker. He was one of my first couple of friends.

“What are yooou gonna do?” I asked him.

“Nothing. Both of you are banned from my restaurant.” An ethereal, but somehow also gruff and stern voice told us.

It was Grillby. The owner of the restaurant. And also one of Sans' closest friends.

“Oh fuck!”

That's exactly what I meant earlier. I really wish I didn't draw on Sans’ face. I felt awful about it the next day. I knew his brother Papyrus would find out, and I really liked him. Papyrus was another close friend of mine in the underground. He made terrible spaghetti and tried to kill me with some puzzles but after all that we became fast friends. I think that's actually when Sans decided that I was his least favorite person. He was basically obsessed with his brother and I think he thought I'd steal him away or something. Which I would never do. Papyrus is really not my type.

“Come on Paps! Throw like a man dammit! Hahaha!”

I was having a snowball fight with Papyrus and a few guard dog monsters when Sans came up to us.

“Hey. Y/N. Come over here a sec.” Sans said calmly after he somehow appeared behind us.

“Woah! How'd you?- whatever.” I wondered as I stepped away from the game.

“I don't think you should be hanging out with my brother so much.”

“Pft. What is he? 6? Who the hell are you to say that?”

I hate people telling me what to do. So hearing that set me off and I said something rude before I could stop myself.

“I'm his older brother. And he shouldn't have to deal with people that insult him, cuss around him and I don't like you casually stealing my nickname for him either.”

“Uh. Obsessed much? One. He's a grown up. He can handle it. And two? Being protective of nicknames is kinda creepy if it's your younger brother.”

“Wh-Creepy!? What the hell is wrong with you!?”

Before Sans could start lecturing me, one of the big monsters came up to us.

“You guys can talk later! Come on! We don't wanna wait forever!”

It was a dog guard in ginormous armor and his tail was wagging wildly. Anxious to get away from the humiliating conversation, I ignored everything Sans said and started walking back to my game.

“Just like. Chill. Okay? No pun intended.”

Sans' Pov

Puns were my thing. Alright? And I don't have a lot of things to begin with. Other than Papyrus' nickname that bitch stole too. Using a pun against me was the last straw. As ridiculous as that sounds. So that was the start of our intense hatred for each other. I wasn't really the type of person to start arguments but she sure was. We both got tossed out of practically every building we were in together for causing a scene. Getting drunk and falling asleep at Grillby's was a usual occurrence for me, but I had no idea my new enemy would come in and torment me that day.

“Mnnn. Grillby…” I muttered after waking up on a barstool again.

Apparently I slept until everyone left. At least, that's what I thought. Apparently Grillby cleared the place out early after I got graffitied.

“Sans. You need to get up.”

“Uggh. I know. I'll go home in a sec.”

“Not that.”

“Whaat?”

“Y/N drew on your face. I'm gonna take you to my place so we can wash it off. Alright?”

“What?! What the hell did she do?!”

I bolted up. Nearly falling out of my chair.

“Not as much as I thought actually. It's not bad.”

“What? How could it not be bad?”

After I had steadied myself, I finally looked up at Grillby's face. He had a strange smile that unsettled me.

“Don't think about it too much. Put up your hood and walk with me to my place.” He commanded.

“Uh- huh?” I squeaked.

Some people say that Grillby is bossy and a buzz kill. But I don't mind at all. He never usually bosses me around. But when he does… I can't say I dislike it. I immediately hopped off the chair and flipped up my hood. Very suddenly, Grillby took my hand and walked me out the door. Opening it for me.

“Ah… Jeez Grillbz. I'm not a kid anymore.”

“Oh. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't be coddling you.”

He let go of my hand and I realized my mistake.

“Er… I mean. I'll take it as a compliment I guess. You seem pissed off that she was fuckin’ with me.”

“I am. I'm not sure I like having a human down here. She may get along with everyone, but I feel like all my customers have been a lot more rowdy and even the whole town has become a bit more… a bit… ugh. I'm just not sure I have the right word.”

“She reminds me a lot of Catty. Or Bratty.”

Funny enough, I used to get bullied a lot by them too. When I was a kid that is.

“Haha! I'm sure she does. Hmmm. I wonder then…”

Without warning, Grillby took hold of my hood and pulled it back to look at my face more closely. I turned and looked up at him with a slightly shocked expression.

“Hmm~”

Grillby's eyes softened and he stood staring at me for a couple seconds.

“You do seem to attract a type. Don't you Sans?”

“What? What's that supposed to mean?”

“I never told you. Because I didn't like how they treated you. But Catty and Bratty came by one day. I talked to them for a while and they revealed that they picked on you because they both had a crush on you.”

“What?! No. You're kidding me!”

“I wonder if that human girl is similar.”

“I don't believe a word you said.”

“You might when you see what she drew on you.”

“What?!”

“Shh!”

It was late at night and I shouldn't have been shouting. So Grillby put a finger to my lips. All the embarrassment and physical contact started to make my knees weak. I tripped a little.

“Ohhahaha. You're still quite tired aren't you?” Grillby laughed at me as he took my hand again.

“Shut up.” I muttered quietly. “I'll be fine.”

But… I couldn't stop myself from squeezing his hand so he wouldn't let go of mine.

“Oh? So you don't want me to carry you?”

“N-no! Don't do that!”

“Hmhm~ Alright.”

Grillby has always teased me. He usually says something about how I make it so easy. I'm not sure what that means though. I don't find it easy to tease anyone.

“Aahh… there we go.” Grillby muttered to himself as he unlocked his front door, letting go of my hand.

He let me in first, but I didn't go straight to his bathroom. I remembered where it was but I felt awkward showing how well I already knew his place.

“Still need help?”

“Er! Uh! I just. Um… don't remember which door is your bathroom.”

“Oh right. Sorry. I guess it feels like I invite you over more than I actually do. It's the first door on the right.”

I nodded and made my way there. Grillby picked up his pace in order to catch up with me. I could guess he wanted to see my reaction when I saw myself. Looking in the mirror, I found little black dots along my cheeks, and small, badly drawn hearts below my eyes.

“Ehaaahhh! W-why- why! Why did she do that?!”

“Hahahaha! I'm really not sure Sans. I think that girl likes you.”

“No! I- Aghhh!”

I tried desperately to rub off the black dots. Even black smears would be better. But they didn't budge at all.

“Fuck! Y/N didn't use a permanent marker did she?”

“Oh no… I really hope not.”

Grillby seemed to know that my “skin” held permanent markers really well. He opened up a cabinet and grabbed a brand new bar of soap and a small towel.

“I guess we'll find out.” I sighed.

“Alright Sans. Stay still.”

“What? No come on. Just let me do it.”

Grillby turned on the faucet, making sure the water was warm.

“I wasn't watching you when I should have been. I should help you.” He decided.

“That's just an excuse for you to put your hands all over my face.”

“Oh please let me~ I love your soft face.” Grillby teased as he pinched my cheeks and rubbed them around. I squeaked a little in surprise and it only made Grillby more determined.

“No! Just! Rrrr…” I growled.

He finally left my face alone so he could wet the small towel with hot water. After opening up the new bar of soap and rubbing it on the soaking towel, Grillby once again told me to,

“Stay still.”

I kinda liked being taken care of and fussed over, so I finally let him have his fun.

“Ugh. Fuck… that kinda hurts.”

“Oh you're such a baby.”

“No I'm not.”

Grillby put a hand up to his face to attempt to stifle a laugh.

“Hey!”

“Hahaha! I'm sorry. You're just so cute I can't help it.”

“I'm not- ah I'm not even gonna say it.”

“Hmhmhm~”

“Ya know. Maybe I should do it myself.”

To my surprise, Grillby gave me the towel. When I looked in the mirror I saw no change to the marks.

“Nooooo no no nooooo!”

I scrubbed my cheeks until they felt inflamed and raw.

“Awww. Poor thing. Don't hurt yourself.”

I threw the towel at Grillby. It sizzled when it struck his neck.

“Ugh. Now my shirt is all wet.”

Before I could stop him, Grillby slid off his vest and started unbuttoning his shirt.

“Wh- what are you doing?!”

“What? Suddenly you have a problem with me undressing?”

“Yeah!”

“Awww. If it makes you feel better I'll let you take yours off too.”

“That would not make me feel better!”

“Haha. Then get out of the bathroom.”

“Where am I supposed to go now?!”

“Do you want to stay the night?”

“Are you… gonna be shirtless?”

“If you'd like~”

“Aahhh!”

I should have taken the chance, but I got scared and fled to my own place.

[monistera]

MONISTERA ૮₍ ˶• ༝ •˶ ₎ა moni ✰ they/them, any if close (gendered terms OK!) ✰ twenty-one ✰ @gluion alt account

➵ another account to dump anything and everything! i will be unhinged in any form ➵ you can invade my asks with soft and hard scenarios! — tag navigation under cut

about me

#nom nom ➵ all general sfw thoughts #monstah ➵ the more nsfw thoughts, please block if you’re a minor #oof ➵ sadder thoughts, potential triggers and sensitive topics #psa ➵ all leaks/sneak peeks #words left unsaid ➵ poems or prose #om nom ➵ asks #resources #safekeep ➵ all that needs to be kept

literature and all other forms of written works, thoughts, and media

#paint me with whatever colors you desire ➵ the greatest things, enough to send me joy #it’s rotten but i still took a bite ➵ the more tragic ideas #how the teeth squeaks after a treat ➵ bittersweet #i pray to you even if you are not god—you're one to me ➵ yearning to its core #i know of it because of her ➵ sapphic and all other feminist literature and experiences #from sun rises to fallen leaves ➵ seasons, time, all of it #to bleed out until we run dry ➵ biological family #to be filled with blood until we rise ➵ found family #a quiet glow; an abundance of hope ➵ everything about the moon #it comes and goes in waves ➵ the ocean is a powerful motif #rough rind; soft flesh ➵ my love comes in the form of fruits #like a dog with a bird at your door ➵ devotion (& everything doggo...) #thick metal; pulsing heart ➵ knights #you’re gonna carry that weight ➵ grief in all its forms… means to endure through it all #to stain myself in the color of you ➵ cannibalism #the fangs seen only in the mirror ➵ monsters #reconciliation is a never-ending cycle ➵ religion

other forms of media

#transparent #photo #art #spin the record

interests

#my boyz (the boyz), #my sun for life (kim sunwoo), #cobster (jacob bae), #changmin lover (ji changmin), #my erigi (eric sohn), #catjyu (lee juyeon), #the moon shines for all (kevin moon)

#my day one (zb1), #tobiya (taerae), #hamnyang (hanbin), #mattchu (matthew)

#bonedo (boynextdoor), #21 !! (leehan), #myungjae (myung jaehyun)

#bangtan (bts), #joonie (namjoon)

#my days (day6)

#cowboy bebop brainrot (cowboy bebop)

#dw brainrot (doctor who), #tenth (the tenth doctor), #platonic soulmates (tendonna), #time is an eternity (tenrose)

#fe3h brainrot (fire emblem three houses/three hopes), #claude the beloved (claude von riegan), #gdeer domination (golden deers)

#tlou brainrot (the last of us), #pookie (joel miller), #my baby (ellie williams)

#the man myth & legend (hozier)

#smiley (byeon wooseok), #lovely runner brainrot (lovely runner), #soljae (soljae)

#atla brainrot (avatar the last airbender)

#___ brainrot ➵ other general interests