#but I know its normal so I focused all my energy into accepting it and being okay with myself

[ace-and-ranty]

No, but really, the anti-diet movement found me at the EXACT right time, right before my pandemic weight gain that firmly pushed me from "chubby" to "fat".

If I hadn't gone into my thirties already extremely primed against diet culture, I would have been a lot more distressed, and I'm so grateful I got out just in time.

[globalrebrand]

Thinking about this post by @jymwahuwu....what about Capitano with a darling who wouldn't even tell him she's pregnant in the first place?

Warnings: Pregnancy, not sfw, angst, mentions of abortion

Capitano inquires about your recent doctors visit and you just shrug off his concern. Insisting it was just “a mild flu" and “I'll be better soon.” Never one to pry he doesn't push you for more details, even if your marriage is unconventional, he trusts that you would be honest with him considering he's never done anything to make you mistrustful of him. As far as he knows.

Your husband considers going over your head to confirm your condition with the doctor, but he knows that would only upset you. And regardless you’d bribed the doctor with your allowance to keep your pregnancy a secret.

You tell only your trusted ladies maid. Who diligently helps you keep up the ruse, she lets your bodices out and makes sure you don't show in the early months and makes sure you're never offered wine with dinner.

Capitano isn't around enough to notice the small but tell-tale signs that you're expecting, however, for the others who live in the manor it could not be more abundantly clear that you're pregnant.

So imagine his outrage when he hears of your pregnancy, not from your lips as he would have expected, but from one of the maids. It happens late one night when he's in the library reading, trying to find a moment of peace is an endlessly hectic month, while a maid dusts quietly on the upper level. You've made your self scarce recently and begrudgingly Capitano gives you space. Early in your relationship you told him that he was smothering and he accepted the criticism, and they two of you had found a balance, but now you are cold and aloof. You were never one to be vulnerable, and it was precisely a sort of quiet ferocity that you possessed that captivated him, but he was at his wits end. He thought that the two of you were making progress, but he supposes not, the last five months have been a regression. He would need to talk to you soon, the matter has become so distracting that he tunes in to the whispering happening on the upper levels. Another maid has joined the first as they chat languidly about house gossip when the subject turns to you.

"Her ladyship is so fatigued as of late. I'm not used to her being so torpid. It's disheartening." The first maid whispers almost imperceptibly, her words laced with worry.

Capitano stops focusing on his book entirely. They speak quickly and almost inaudibly quiet in their native Snezhnayan tongue, but his keen ears are able to focus perfectly on the conversation.

"Don't worry, I was the same way with my first, energy always came in bursts, though it left almost as quickly as it came." The other maid, older and a mother herself tries to assuage her colleague. "Poor dear, it only gets worse from this point." She sighs.

Confusion twists Capitano's features. He has in inkling of what the maids could be referring to, but if its as he expects he will be utterly irate that you did not tell him. He needs to hear them say it. Say the word and confirm his suspicions.

"Pregnancy sounds so scary. Ah, I still can't believe she hasn't told his Lordship."

"Oh, that I don’t understand at all, my husband would be furious ."

"Indeed." Capitano says aloud, shutting his book with a violent snap and storming out of the library.

He hears the maids gasp before leaving. Both clearly forgot about his presence. Another unexpected symptom of your influence, the staff have become entirely too comfortable.

Capitano ascends the stairs to your shared chambers. You should be getting ready for bed at about this hour and indeed he finds you in your shared bedroom. When he pushes the door open you startle, stopping in your tracks as you cross the room, but you quickly recompose yourself. This lie you've protracted has likely left you completely on edge.

A fire rumbles behind you in the hearth and your nightgown while not normally so visibly transparent became sheer in the light, it was subtle, but your silhouette against the firelight revealed the slightest protrusion of your midsection. You follow his gaze and turn away from him, without so much as a word.

For five months you’ve hardly let him see you naked not to mention you rejected all his attempts to initiate sex for the past three.

If you apprehend the hostility radiating off your husband, you do not acknowledge it. You were surprisingly stubborn and endlessly poised, keeping your cards quite close to your chest until it was time to play your hand. It would likely upset you but he would force you to show your hand, he'd been far too accommodating of your deceit.

You open your mouth to speak but Capitano wants none of your deflections.

"Pregnant? He questions. His tone, assured and firm. No room for argument, but Capitano can tell from your expression that your're willing to try it anyways.

The audacity that you would give him an incredulous look only incenses him further. He has to wonder why you are working so hard to hide your pregnancy from him.

Unless....it wasn't his.

No. You were many infuriating things, but you weren't disloyal...at least he thought.

"What? No--" His anger surges along with another dagger into his heart. Now he knows you’re lying. Or at least attempting to, but Capitano is having none of it. He has never lied to you. How could you so easily try to deceive him? It was dishonorable at best and a betrayal at worst.

"Don't you dare try to lie to me. The maids have already confirmed as much." He bats away your rebuttal with a terse reply.

As you come to realize the gravity of the situation, of your husbands rage, all color drains from your expression. The look of terror that paralyzes your features is out of place. As long as he you have been his wife, you have never even pretended to fear him. It is one of the qualities he admired about you. Now your wide frightful eyes and rigid frame are making him lose his nerve in the confrontation. An incredibly rare occurrence, the last thing Capitano ever wanted was for you to be afraid of him. However you had crossed a line, you had lied and actively misled him about a matter most important to you both.

"You didn't think to tell me?” He questions, the words curt and cruel.

"Well there's nothing you can do about it now." You reply, your tone defensive and your hackles raised. “It’s too late to….to do anything. The baby is coming.”

"Is it mine?" He questions, unfeeling and entirely unprepared for a negative answer.

"… how fucking dare you." You turn around to curse at him and Capitano is taken aback. He thought your eyes couldn't get any wider.

"Of course it is!" You cry, your expression equal parts outrage and hurt.

"Then why did you hide from me!" He matches your anger, raising his voice and stepping closer as you try to sidestep and evade him. The tightly controlled anger he bottled now sparking and bursting.

"I needed time to prepare." You implore exasperated as if Capitano should have understood your machinations perfectly.

"For what?!" He shouts.

"What if you didn't want it?!" You yell back. No tears have spilled but your eyes are wet and your face feels hot.

Capitano narrows his eyes at you, looking down on your defiant posture equal parts terrified and indignant. Then it all comes into focus.

You want this baby and you...thought he would make you get rid of it. With a gasping sob, you speak up again, your emotions now starting to get the better of you.

"What if you didn't want it....then what would I do?"

As intimate as you two have become in the past half year, Capitano remembers that you are both essentially strangers in many ways.

"Never assume my thoughts." He scolds, his tone terse but with much less bark. He closes the space between you, reaching out a tentative hand to you. Capitano is heartened when you take his hand, slender fingers curling around his broad palm. He begins to relax, but his rage has not subsided fully.

"You think I wouldn't want this child?" He questions, his voice much softer, but a slight resentment still colors his words.

"I didn't know what to think and I-I needed time." You replied, rubbing your tears away with your opposite hand. This is the first time he's seen you like this, so vulnerable. Capitano can't confidently say if he'd ever seen your cry before.

“Time for what?” Capitano urges you for more details. Your reasoning still alludes him. He would have gladly helped with any and all preparations for the baby. Seeing how things unfolded he regrets not being more forthcoming with his thoughts about having a child with you.

“To get a plan in place. If you told me to get rid of it.” Capitano can't even concieve of what you could mean. Would you attempt to leave him? Surely you weren't thinking something so idiotic, but he attempts to reserve judgement when he asks, "what would you have done?"

"Run away." You confess quietly, but Capitano only scoffs and rolls his eyes. The idea is preposterous. You will never leave him, Marriage is a bond that should be upheld and besides he is far too attached for you to leave now.

"I would never allow such a thing. You must honor the vows you made to me." Your husband asserts.

"I would still try. For my baby I-" You insist.

"Our baby." Capitano corrects. You pause, your tears dry and breathing calmed.

"I will not allow the child to inconvenience you." You plead, bringing a hand to his chest and searching his eyes, desperate for validation that he wants what you want. That he wants this child growing inside of you.

"No child of ours could ever be a burden to me." Your shoulders drop with relief and Capitano encircles you with his broad arms.

"You honor me most highly, by having my child." Capitano pauses before continuing, "and our child is already blessed to have a mother who would protect them so fiercely."

"You're not angry?" You question, shocked by his benevolence.

"Oh, I'm livid, but not about the child. At that news, I am delighted."

"I'm sorry," you whisper his name and nuzzle into his chest. "I just couldn't face your rejection. Not with this." You clarify and Capitano begins to see your perspective.

A child changes many dynamics in a romantic partnership and though the two of you seemed relatively stable in your young marriage. He can understand how your fear of his rejection would prevent you from being forthcoming. Especially with a matter so sensitive. Not that even remotely agrees with your actions.

"Is this why you have shied away from me these past month. Why you wouldn't let me touch you?"

You nodded.

Capitano picked you up and laid you on the bed, pushing your night gown up and spreading you legs. He licked his thumb and immediately began to caress your clit.

"You will not hide yourself from me in the future. I must know your thoughts."

You shuddered at the contact.

"Then you must do the same.” You demanded. Capitano could only smile at your gall, to be beneath him legs spread, pussy exposed and still you make demands of him.

"Behave this evening, sufficiently demonstrate your contrition, renew your devotion to me and I will give you anything you ask for." You consider his words before agreeing.

You nod again.

“Say yes husband.” Capitano requests with a raised brow.

"Yes, husband." A rare act of obedience. It suits you well.

Good. Capitano thinks. "I'm glad the terms are agreeable to you." He says lowering himself briefly to press a kiss to your lips, one much deeper and needier than any shared in recent months. Archons, how he's missed being with you like this.

Reluctantly Capitano parts from you and begins to undress himself, one hand working the buttons of his shirt while the other remains steadfast teasing your sex.

"You can start your penance by tending to me as I lick your cunt." Capitano’s smile grows wider as you shiver at his words, clearly aroused an eager. Despite the small pout that lingers on your lips. He heard that the libido of pregnant women was often more intense. You stubborn thing, denying yourself what you so clearly want. It is good that Capitano is in a forgiving mood. Your husband helps you out of your nightdress before laying beside you. He helps guide your hips to his face and keeps a guiding hand on your neck as he leads you to where he aches most. Capitano presses his nose to your dripping sex and inhales deeply. "It's been far too long since we last did this." He all but groans, and despite everything that’s transpired this evening, you're inclined to agree.

[lucysarah-c]

“It’s the only extra shirt I got here,” Levi’s voice returned to its natural stiffness as he handed her a V-neck long sleeve grey t-shirt.

“Thanks,” she said with a shy smile while accepting it. Levi nodded as he drank from his canteen. Once she was dressed, he offered her some water, which she accepted.

Exhaustion washed over them as they lay down. His eyes focused on the ceiling, his arms bent behind his head. She lay on her side, watching him.

“What?” Levi's fierce eyes looked askance at her as she admired his side profile.

Her humming negative reply was all he got at first, and then, “Was it… was it enough for you?”

He turned his head to his left. “I came, didn’t I?”

His bluntness was sometimes a blessing and sometimes not. She pouted at the idea. “But… we didn’t…”

“I said we wouldn’t,” Levi quickly picked up the meaning behind her lack of conviction and rushed to reply. “Besides, even if you wanted to, I wouldn’t have gotten my dick in. You’re in your fertile days.”

The knowledge of that affirmation eluded her completely, to the point that she didn’t even know what to inquire about first. She also felt extremely tired as she scooted closer to his frame. Levi took the hint and embraced her with one arm as she rested her head on his chest.

Humming again, this time affirmatively, she somehow understood his point. .. she believed.

“That’s scary…” she whispered after a few minutes, and his attention returned to her.

“What?”

“I don’t know if I’ll do it,” the words had no meaning to Levi, who was trying hard to follow her train of thought as she rambled. “I feel my legs tremble.”

Silence, as if she could hear the gears of his head working to comprehend. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“About jumping,” she said casually.

“Huh?” he insisted, slightly raising up to hover over his left arm to have a better look at her face.

They were both confused—him because he didn’t even fathom what she was talking about, and her because she couldn’t believe that someone as street-smart as Levi didn’t know about it.

“That…” she started her explanation, slightly ashamed like a kid afraid of answering a classroom question wrong. First confidently, then doubts sank in. “That you have to jump ten times after it, so… so you don’t get pregnant?”

Confusion, then realization. Levi’s frowning face as he tried to process what she had just said turned into his normal stoic one, and then he bit his bottom lip. His chest began to shake as he inhaled rapidly through his nose. He began to chuckle, and when his weight fell back onto the mat, he was loudly laughing.

Her disbelief at seeing him genuinely laugh for the first time was mixed with offense. ‘What’s so damn funny?’

Levi kept trying to control his reaction, stopping momentarily, but then he remembered it and laughed again. Covering his eyes with his forearm, he insisted on forming a sentence, but it was just too hilarious somehow.

“Let me get this straight,” he chuckled, “you thought that jumping ten times, not nine, it has to be ten, would magically prevent you from getting pregnant?”

At this point, she was heavily offended. “Well yes!” Her enthusiastic affirmation only made him more entertained.

“That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard,” his declaration between chuckles made her pout heavily at him, feeling the embarrassment quickly washing over her. “If it was that simple, brat, I wouldn’t have been born.”

His hand ran through his features as he calmed down, slightly shaking his head with closed eyes as he processed the idea. “God, how fucking bad are surface bastards that women have the energy to be jumping around after getting fucked?”

“Well, that was my question! Because I’m tired!” she complained loudly, feeling she finally had a fair point in this conversation.

To her surprise, Levi rolled to his side and grabbed her face. Her resistance due to her petty anger was pointless because he easily held her. Both hands on each side of her head, he then planted a kiss on her forehead.

“You’re so fucking stupid,” his whisper was fully covered in a thin layer of tenderness.

The pout on her features didn’t cease as his fingers ran down the side of her face; it felt insulting that he was looking at her with such appreciation after laughing in her face. His knuckles caressed her cheekbone so gently.

“Who told you that shit?”

“The girls in the barracks always talk about it,” she confessed, hoping that common knowledge among her companions would erase her ignorance.

“I’ll pull out and we’ll count days, that’s what we will do,” Levi explained.

Probably my favourite scene ever from Holy Ground.

Link to my masterlist and my other works if you feel like checking them out.

Tags!: @nube55 @justkon @notgoodforlife @nmlkys @humanitys-strongest-bamf @quillinhand @thoreeo @darkstarlight82 @angelofthorr @aomi04 @levisbrat25 @l3visthighs @hum4n-wr3ckag3 @hannieslovebot @starrylevi @rithty @mariaace @ackrmntea @emilyyyy-08 @levisfavoriteteashop @katestrophes @levistealeaf @an-ever-angry-bi @youre-ackermine @fxnnyackerman @secretmoneybearvoid @trashblackrainbow @flxrartsstuff @katharinasdiaryy @kikarouflames @levisecretgfblog @searriously @blackdxggr @ackermanswifee

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[cvntydazai]

cat and mouse

ever since your first day at the agency you’ve made an effort to avoid dazai and his silly little games, even when he so desperately craves your attention.

pairing; dazai osamu x fem!reader

word count; 3.3k

content warning; nsfw (minors do not interact), unedited, cursing, dazai fingers reader, reader is gifted but their gift is not described/specified, the usual dazai shenanigans, mentions of blood/injury, mentions of murder, probably a lot more

authors note; sigh not only is this a day late but i’m not proud of it so sorry guys :( been so busy lately this was not what i had in mind for this fic, i still hope it’s enjoyable!

when you first joined the agency it was a desperate attempt to find a job that could utilize your gift, after many failed “normal” jobs you just had to accept that your situation wasn’t normal and you needed a job that could handle that. you caught wind of a detective agency full of gifted individuals and knew it was the perfect opportunity.

that’s how you got to where you were now, 6 months into your career as a gifted detective. it has been going perfect, being the longest job you’ve ever had.

there was just one issue, a big one that took its place in the form of a tall, bandaged man who could never leave you alone. dazai osamu, the issue called itself, would be the death of you.

it all started on your very first day at the agency, he wasted little time introducing himself and instead put all of his energy towards wooing you with those doe eyes. you also recall him telling you could rely on him anytime, followed by a wink and a knowing smirk. you were warned by yosano to keep your distance from him, advice that you still regret not taking to this day.

he tried to get your attention for weeks, throwing paper balls on your desk and mouthing at you to open them. inside was always a love note, multiple tiny hearts littering the crumpled paper. he never seemed to take it personally when you would throw those papers in your trash can, forgetting about them to continue on with work.

just when you begin to think he’s finally let go of his obsession with you, one fateful morning you end up alone with him in the office.

“ah, beautiful morning isn’t?” he attempted small talk, you only offered a nod and continued filing out your paperwork.

so engrossed in your work you didn’t realize how close he had gotten until you felt his warm breath fanning your shoulder, you naturally flinched. you cocked your head to glance at him, those tired eyes focused on your computer screen.

“what has you working your sweet little head off?” his curiosity would seem genuine to anyone who wasn’t familiar with dazai and his antics.

you cleared your throat, “just recalling the specifics of my previous mission.” he hummed, his slim hand brushing over yours so he could use the scroll wheel on your mouse. you watched as his eyes scanned the document, analyzing your every word.

being so physically close you were forced to take in all the features of him you chose to ignore, for your own good. you knew dazai was an attractive man, and he knew it too. you didn’t dare to look in his eyes anymore so you focused on his hair, unkempt yet still framed his face perfectly and looked fluffy, you wondered if it felt fluffy too.

“it’s hard to focus with you staring me down like a piece of meat, bella.” he whispered, you gasped at such an accusation.

“whatever, in your dreams.” you bit back, feeling flustered.

he turned to look at you, his eyes danced around your entire face, drinking in every detail of you like a book. many silent moments later, his eyes stopped when they landed on your lips, causing even more turmoil in your chest. it was all too much, being under the heavy gaze of someone like him.

“anyways..” you start, trying to find any excuse to break this close proximity. “the others should be here soon, we should start getting stuff done around here.”

he hummed in agreement, backing away at last. now that you felt like you could breathe again you tried your hardest to continue on with whatever paperwork you had. you ignored the tremble in your fingertips, typing away on the keyboard.

once the others started filing into the office the tension eased substantially, you were thankful for that. kunikida was the first to arrive, surprised to see you both already there. you ignored his curious stare, greeting him properly and then returning to your computer. dazai pestered the poor man for a bit before quieting down himself.

you thought that was it, the weird encounter in the office would be the last of his teasing. couldn’t he see you weren’t in the mood for his games, or was this all too amusing for him to care?

fate would put you in a battle against dazai once again just a mere week later. you both sat in front of your boss, a kind man by the name of fukuzawa. in your months here at the agency your respect for him has only grown, his admiration for his employees and the work they do warmed your heart. you truly felt grateful to be under the command of someone as strong-willed and humble as he was.

“there’s a murder scene i’d like the two of you to look into, please go gather evidence.” he says, hands folded in his lap while he speaks to you.

you’re both silent as he goes over the details of the case. a body found in the museum with suspicion of a gifted individual being involved, it felt as normal as these missions usually are. once you’re dismissed you and dazai make your way outside to the cab waiting for you.

he rushes to open the car door for you, motioning you inside with an eager smile. you sigh, complying with whatever he was up to.

you shuffle around a bit until you’re comfortable, dazai takes his seat beside you and the car begins moving. while dazai stared out of the window on his side, you occupy yourself with responding to all the messages people have sent you that you pushed aside to finish work. some may call you a workaholic (dazai), others (kunikida) call you a devoted employee, you much preferred the title of a devoted employee. your desire to be of use was finally fulfilled now that you were at the agency, for that you were eternally thankful.

“my dear y/n, i just realized something!” the loud voice of dazai makes you cringe, clutching your poor phone into a death grip.

he doesn’t let you respond, “this is our first time handling a case together alone, just the two of us!” the excitement in his tone makes you irritated.

“and what about it?” your monotonous response makes the brunette clutch his chest, a look of hurt in his eyes.

“we finally get the alone time we’ve been dying to have since our little moment in the office.” if the phone that was still being strangled in your palm wasn’t already broken, it sure was now.

“you totally misread the situation in the office, i wasn’t even looking at you like that!” the anger in your tone came across as an embarrassed yelp, it made his grin grow wider.

there was no point in arguing with a man who has made up his mind, he totally thought you were checking him out and now he’ll never back down. an exasperated sigh left your lips, deeply regretting not taking yosano’s warning seriously.

thankfully, all you had to endure for the rest of the car ride was dazai’s humming to a tune you were unfortunately accustomed to by now. it was hard to forget said song when it was always filling the office air, either by dazai’s singing or the sound blaring from his headphones that were definitely not noise-canceling.

hell, you even caught yourself humming the tune from time to time, not that you’d ever let someone else find out.

“we’re here.” you thanked the driver, hastily leaving the vehicle before dazai could open the door for you.

the museum in front of you was old, ready to crumble at any given moment, many of the stone bricks were cracked beyond repair and the shrubs that surrounded the entrance were all dead or dying. you never got the details on whether or not the place was even running anymore.

“this museum shut down years ago and no one has bought it since, perfect place to commit murder.” dazai appeared beside you, seemingly answering the question to your thoughts.

you nodded in agreement, stepping inside without a second thought.

inside all you could see was chaos, shattered glass from broken display cases and graffiti littering the walls. it almost pained you, seeing how this once beautiful sanctuary of history was now torn to shreds for no good reason.

you found what you were looking for quick, the bright yellow caution tape gave it away. you’re sure the police had already come to take the body, so it didn’t surprise you when you didn’t see anything there.

fukuzawa strictly said you were only here to gather evidence, so that’s what you’ll do. while you got to work, dazai lazed around the building, kicking random trash around to entertain himself. he would giggle when you scolded him for tampering with possible clues.

you knew you were only here to gather evidence but something about the whole situation felt so strange to you, leaving you no choice but to investigate further. normally, you pride yourself in how well you are at gathering information needed for an investigation, but this time around you were completely stumped.

it had your brain so wracked you even contemplated calling ranpo, however you fought against it since you knew he was already working on a case today and you didn’t want to bother him just because you couldn’t find clues that may not exist.

after a few more minutes of coming back empty handed the realization hit you like a truck, a soft breath leaving your lips at your newfound discovery.

“dazai..” you mumble, still a bit unsure of your conclusion, he only hummed in response.

“i don’t think a murder ever occurred here.” nothing but silence on his part, until you hear the shuffling of his footsteps and his breath hot against your ear.

“well done, flower! to be honest, i didn’t think you would figure it out this quickly.” his hushed voice felt loud with him being so close to you.

you were left confused once again, if dazai knew from the start why didn’t he just say so? or was he the one who orchestrated this whole thing? so many questions reeling through your brain, and dazai was thoroughly enjoying watching you piece together the mystery he created for you.

but alas, he had to cut it short, you two had limited time here after all. fukuzawa would eventually figure out dazai’s antics and there would be hell to pay, that was a problem for later though.

“i made the whole thing up!” he admitted, lips still dangerously close to your ear. “you were always so busy, i needed to get you alone for once.”

you pushed him off you in an instant, anger bubbling inside you. never once did you expect dazai to do something like this, no matter how crazy he was at times. hell, this was beyond crazy.

“you couldn’t have gone about it like a normal fucking person? jesus christ, dazai!” you were now pacing, thinking of all the time you lost entertaining this game of his when it could have been spent at the office or on a real case.

“oh bella please, let me finish.” he begged, stepping close to you again.

you protested for a second time, taking a step back so he couldn’t reach you. it would prove to be the wrong move, your ankle catching on a stray piece of rubble from all the broken displays in this damned building. you’re sent tumbling backwards, a cry leaving your lips as you reached out to grasp dazai’s open arms.

your landing is hard, your ankle throbbing with pain from whatever it was caught on. dazai is at your side in an instant, a look of concern adorning his features as he practically cradled you.

“are you okay?” his voice was serious this time around, so much so that it caught you off guard.

“no, my ankle is bleeding.” you state, clear annoyance in your voice whilst you examine your injury.

you’re caught off guard once again by him effortlessly picking you up from the floor and setting you down on a flat, clean surface. now perched on a white table, you let your other leg dangle off the edge while you tend to your hurt ankle.

dazai claims he’ll be back, that he’s going to search for a medkit around here. you nod, happy to be away from his suffocating presence. you’re not anywhere near free from your thoughts though, the lanky man is still clean in your mind.

you didn’t even know he possessed the strength to lift you like that, he always looked so frail and ready to break at any given. you shake your head from any further thoughts of dazai, that stupid man.

“found one.” he was back again, a small medkit in his rather large hands.

despite your many protests he still insisted on caring for you, acknowledging that this was his fault and the responsibility should fall on his shoulders. you kept your mouth shut while he wrapped your foot in the bandages the first aid kit provided. his soft touches to your swollen skin were light, almost soothing.

you hated this, hated how perfect he was. how were you supposed to ignore such a man when his presence was everywhere. most of all though, you were still thoroughly pissed! he not only wasted your time, but the agency’s time, and that was unforgivable in your eyes.

“why?” you question him, “and don’t give me that bullshit ass excuse from before, or so help me.”

he chuckled at your threatening words, eyes remained trained on your foot. there was a momentary pause before his eyes met yours, his held mischievous undertones.

“i was getting tired of this back and forth, you know.” there he goes again like a broken record, you huffed.

“i don’t know what you’re-“ he cuts you off with a finger to your lips, hushing you in the sweetest way he could muster.

“the other day, when you threw away one of my well thought out love letters i went to retrieve it after you left to the bathroom, can you imagine my surprise to find it wasn’t there anymore?” your eyes widen, like a deer caught in the bright headlights of a hunters truck.

“and then i go to check your locker and i see every single one of them in a nice neat stack.” his finger was taken off your lips, his eyebrow raised as if expecting an answer to his discovery.

“why were you in my locker?” you deflect, feeling embarrassed that he knew about your little secret.

instead of answering he finished wrapping your foot, giving the gauze one final tug before leaving it be. he smiled at you, a smile you couldn’t read. with your legs spread out like they were, it gave him the perfect opportunity to weave in between them and trap your body close to his. he did just that, growing dangerously close to you.

“dazai..” you start, unsure.

he doesn’t say anything, instead focusing on treading his fingers against your waist, eyes never once leaving yours.

“we shouldn’t..” you speak again, your breathing growing more sporadic when he hooks one of his fingers underneath your belt buckle, the way he plays with it is teasing.

“why shouldn’t we, bella? i arranged all of this for us anyways.” his way of showing interest in you, doing something so unsound with little care for the consequences.

but oh god, was it attractive. his touch grew more and more needy by the second and you couldn’t find the desire to push him away, because deep down you wanted this too. you knew you wanted the bandaged detective the second you walked through those doors and saw him sitting there, fiddling with little trinkets he had on his desk looking pretty as ever.

“i think we should put an end to this cat and mouse game, hm?” his voice fills your ears again and this time around you listen, nodding whilst wrapping your arms around his neck to pull him even tighter against you.

he’s first to put his lips on yours in a desperate, longing kiss. he tastes sweet, probably from whatever chapstick he uses. the kiss is deeply rooted in lust yet affection as well, he squeezes your waist in the lightest way possible.

“dazai!” you moan out, surprised when he bites your bottom lip teasingly.

“osamu.” he says through the kiss. “call me osamu.” and then he’s back to attacking you, hips rutting into yours.

you think you’ll pass out with how long he’s been kissing you but he eventually pulls away, leaving you gasping for air. he wastes little time, discarding his pants and helping you with yours, the desperation evident in his eyes as he stands before you in just his boxers and dress shirt. he looks like a crazed man who had been holding back for far too long.

once you’re free from the confines of clothing it allows him to truly feel you, his palm cupping your heat. he runs two fingers across your slit before prodding them at your entrance.

“so beautiful, everything about you is so beautiful.” he whispers, stopping his hand entirely.

“dazai.” you say again, sounding more desperate than before, it was even possible.

“osamu.” he corrects, his voice still soft but held hints of firmness.

you repeat his first name back to him and he finally slips two fingers into your cunt. his long fingers are able to reach parts inside of you that your own fingers can’t, the new length has you bucking your hips into his hand.

he lets out a muffled giggle but says nothing, his eyes watching the way you suck his fingers in with every thrust. he looks entranced by the sight, it leaves you feeling shy. you have no time to dwell on your embarrassment as he picks up his pace, along with adding a third digit to your already full pussy.

the stretch of the third finger and the change in pace has you throwing your head back, nails clawing at the table you were perched up against just to give yourself some sort of stability.

you feel your climax approaching quicker than you anticipated, shaking your head from the overstimulation. just before you were about to reach your high, it was ruined by a muffled ringing in dazai’s discarded pants. he pulls his fingers out of you in a swift motion, ignoring your whines of protest as he reaches to grab the phone from his pants pocket.

“hey boss.” he starts, his voice as quirky as ever.

you could hear fukuzawa’s irritated tone through the phone even if you couldn’t pick up his exact words. dazai simply hummed and nodded in agreement, even letting out an apology for the time wasted on a fake case. within just a few minutes the call was over, and dazai’s smile had grown even larger.

he ended the call with a sigh, a pout on his lips that told you he was definitely in trouble when you two got back to the agency. you wondered what excuse he’d give the boss, and what punishment he would receive for lying.

“i’m truly saddened to have to cut this short.” you knew he meant it, you gave him a smile.

“it’s okay, we’ll continue it tonight after we see what kind of hell fukuzawa is gonna put you through for this.” the promise of this continuing excited him, and for once he couldn’t wait to get back to the office to finish up his job.

he helped you put your pants back on before putting on his own, making sure your injury was still well taken care of. this time you don’t fight him even once, allowing him to assist you to the car that was waiting outside for the two of you.

[girl-next-door-writes]

Amidst the Chaos

Characters: Dean Winchester x reader

Summary: A glimpse or ‘normal’ might just give Dean the space to figure out what he feels and how to tell you.

Word Count: 1276 words

Prompts: Library. Mutual pining. A hug that lingers.

A/N: This one is for @roseblue373. A very merry holiday season my friend. I hope you enjoy this.

The ski resort buzzed with energy, laughter ringing through the crisp mountain air as snowflakes swirled lazily from the sky. Twinkling Christmas lights adorned every corner, and the scent of pine and cocoa seemed to follow you wherever you went. You tightened your scarf against the chill and glanced around, wondering where Dean had wandered off to. He had a knack for disappearing in the middle of your adventures, only to reappear with some grand excuse or, more often, snacks.

This trip had been Sam’s idea. He’d insisted you and Dean needed a break from hunting, a chance to experience something “normal” for once. While Dean had grumbled about it being a waste of time, you’d caught the faintest hint of excitement in his eyes when Sam had mentioned the ski resort. It wasn’t often Dean let his guard down, but you’d hoped this trip might coax out the softer side of him—the one you secretly adored.

“There you are,” a familiar voice said, and you turned to find Dean striding toward you, his green eyes bright against the winter backdrop. He was holding two cups of hot chocolate, steam curling into the cold air.

“Took you long enough,” you teased, accepting the cup he offered.

He smirked, his cheeks tinged pink from the cold. “I got held up. Some kid tried to swipe my marshmallows. Had to defend my honor.”

You rolled your eyes, sipping the rich, sweet drink. “Right. Because nothing says ‘Dean Winchester’ like battling a seven-year-old over hot chocolate.”

“Hey,” he said, mock-offended. “That kid was scrappy.”

Laughing, you bumped your shoulder against his. “Thanks for this, by the way. I needed it.”

His expression softened, and for a moment, he just looked at you. “Yeah. Me too.”

The next few days passed in a blur of snowy adventures. You’d managed to convince Dean to try skiing, which had been equal parts hilarious and terrifying. He’d started out cocky, insisting it couldn’t be that hard, only to end up sprawled in the snow after his first attempt.

“You okay down there?” you called, trying and failing to hide your laughter.

“I’m just taking a rest is all.” He huffed.

“A rest? In the wet snow?” You smirked

He pushed himself up, snow clinging to his jacket and hair, and shot you a mock glare. “You say that like it’s a bad thing to take a break.”

“Break?” you said, arching an eyebrow. “You’ve been on the ground more than you’ve been on your skis.”

“I’m just…assessing the terrain,” he said, brushing snow off his gloves. “You know, making sure it’s safe for you.”

“How noble of you,” you teased, offering him a hand.

He took it, his grip warm and steady despite the cold, and you couldn’t help but notice the way his fingers lingered just a moment longer than necessary. It sent a shiver down your spine, though it had nothing to do with the weather.

By Christmas Eve, the resort had transformed into a winter wonderland. Strings of lights twinkled in every tree, and a massive Christmas tree stood in the center of the main plaza, its ornaments reflecting the golden glow of the fire pits scattered around.

You and Dean had spent the day exploring the quieter trails around the resort, enjoying the rare peace. As the sun set, painting the snow-capped peaks in shades of pink and orange, you found yourselves at the lodge’s outdoor terrace, overlooking the slopes.

“Pretty view,” you said, leaning against the wooden railing.

“Yeah,” Dean agreed, his voice softer than usual. You turned to find him looking at you, not the mountains.

Your cheeks warmed, and you quickly looked away, focusing on the falling snow. “So,” you said, trying to lighten the mood, “what’s the verdict? Are ski resorts better than hunting demons?”

“Tough call,” he said, stepping closer. “I mean, the food’s definitely better. And the company’s not half bad.”

You laughed, the sound echoing in the quiet night. “Not half bad, huh? I’ll take it.”

He smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “You know,” he said, his tone turning serious, “I’m not great at this kind of stuff.”

“What stuff?” you asked, your heart pounding.

“The…normal stuff,” he said, gesturing vaguely. “Holidays, relaxing, just…being. It’s not exactly my wheelhouse.”

“You’re doing fine,” you said softly.

He looked at you then, really looked at you, and you felt like he could see every thought you’d ever had about him.

“You make it easier,” he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper.

Before you could respond, a sudden burst of laughter and music from the lodge broke the moment. Dean stepped back, his usual mask slipping into place.

“C’mon,” he said, his tone light again. “Let’s grab some food before Sam eats it all.”

Later that night, you found yourself alone in the lodge’s library. The fire crackled in the hearth, casting flickering shadows across the rows of books. You’d come here for some quiet, needing a moment to process the way Dean had looked at you earlier. It had been different, more intense, like he was on the verge of saying something important.

You were so lost in thought that you didn’t hear him approach until he was right behind you.

“Figured I’d find you here,” he said, his voice low and warm.

You turned to see him standing there, hands in his jacket pockets, his expression unreadable. “Couldn’t sleep?” you asked.

He shook his head, stepping closer. “Nah. Too much on my mind.”

You raised an eyebrow. “Dean Winchester, overthinking? Never thought I’d see the day.”

He chuckled, but it was short-lived. “I’ve been meaning to tell you something,” he said, his tone suddenly serious.

Your heart skipped a beat. “What is it?”

He hesitated, running a hand through his hair. “I… I’m not good at this, so I’m just gonna say it. Being here, with you, it’s the best thing I’ve had in a long time. And it scares the hell out of me, because I don’t want to screw it up.”

You stared at him, your chest tight with emotion. “Dean…”

“You mean a lot to me,” he continued, his voice rough with emotion. “More than I know how to say. And I get if that’s… too much. But I needed you to know.”

For a moment, neither of you moved. Then, without thinking, you closed the distance between you and wrapped your arms around him. He froze, surprised, before hugging you back, his arms strong and steady around you.

The hug lingered, neither of you wanting to let go. His hand slid up to cup the back of your head, his touch gentle despite the strength in his grip.

“You’re not screwing anything up,” you murmured against his chest.

He pulled back just enough to look at you, his green eyes searching yours. “You sure about that?”

“Positive,” you said, your voice barely above a whisper.

And then, before you could second-guess yourself, you leaned up and kissed him. His lips were warm and soft against yours, and for a moment, the rest of the world faded away. When you finally pulled back, he was staring at you like you’d just flipped his entire world upside down.

“What was that for?” he asked, though his lips curved into a small smile.

“For being you,” you said simply.

He grinned, pulling you back into his arms.

As the fire crackled and the snow fell outside, you stayed there, wrapped in each other’s arms, savouring the quiet and the promise of something new. Amidst the chaos of your lives, this moment was yours, and it was perfect.

[uchu-no-bashira]

How Can I stay Mad At You? - Husband!Gyomei x Black!Fem Reader

Authors Note: Another one from the archives. You guys and your Gyomei head canons, I don't think you all know how long I've been waiting for you lmfao 💜

TW: MOB AU Gyomei, I love you mentioned, Husband Gyomei, Domestic Fluff, Black Character, AAVE, Reader is African American because I sad so 💜

You stop speaking and set down the towel that you were folding to look at Gyomei, who had just walked in the house from work. He was silent as the sound of heavy footsteps and wall-trailing fingers made their way through the house and into the bathroom. You continue your chores, your mind boggling at the fact that he didn't so much as speak to you, but maybe it was just a long day.

When he emerged from the bathroom, your eyes couldn't help but study the rippling biceps and finely built waistline as he meandered into the laundry room. You remain silent, returning the energy given when he first walked in and refusing to reward his seemingly rude behavior. You'd been married to him for 5 years now, he know you don't play that 'not speaking when you enter a room' shit.

After he puts on his pajama bottoms, he makes his way back to where he now heard the sound of clothes being angrily fluffed. He knew you were upset and disliked breaking a routine, it was his fault for promising a kiss each time he would leave the house and each time he would return regardless of mood. You continue to fold the last bit of clothing before being interrupted by burly forearms snaking around your waist. The muscle in your jaw clenches as you inhale deeply.

"Gyomei. You better have a good reason for not lovin' on me when you entered our home." You annunciate. The sentence coming out clearly so that he doesn't miss a single syllable that was laced with slight irritation.

"I wanted to do it properly. I didn't want to bring the stress of today to your shoulders." He says fluently as if he'd practiced his response. Regardless, it worked, causing you to turn around in his arms and gaze into sightless eyes. They were oddly soft, not in a tired way like normal but in a more comforting way. His clouded white irises stay focused on you as if he were scanning over your frame. It makes your heart stumble a bit. You could have sworn that this man could see, but you knew – partially – that that wasn’t true. After a thoughtful silence, you address him nervously.

"Look, I'm sorry. I'm just not used to you walking in without speakin'. Are you okay?" You mumble, resting your forearms upon his chest while tracing his pectorals with the tip of your finger. Your attention is captured by two large hands slowly making their way to your cheeks, cupping them as he pulls you in for a forehead kiss. Two calloused thumbs brush beneath your eyes for a moment before one of his hands trails wistfully down your neck.

When he speaks again, his pressing, baritone voice commands your undivided attention.

"I'm alright, my love. Today was just a bit too long for my liking. I just want to spend a bit of time holding you. Is that alright?” He states in a loving, sultry tone as the thumb on your cheek comes down to your plump bottom lip, pressing it down gently as if to test its fullness. The same lips he pressed on, curled into a beautiful smirk upon hearing his reasoning.

He felt that at this moment, he should start showing you, his wife, a bit more affection than he had been since his work schedule took over. It seemed to reduce him to making poorly made promise of just two kisses a day when in actuality; he wanted more. His mind clings to the fact that you have always been accepting of his lifestyle and you were a perfect match for him, as if you were a gift to him from God.

While thinking, the hand on your neck travels affectionately along the length of your forearm to your hands where he places his palm against your own. A soft chuckle escapes your chest as you compare hand sizes, his vastly larger compared to yours. Without thinking, you draw a smiley face into his palm, grinning playfully with the tip of your tongue resting between your teeth.

"What did I draw?"

"Hmm… A rabbit?"

You giggle loudly, shaking your head before rubbing your hand against his to 'erase' your previous drawing. You think for a minute before slowly tracing a heart. As you trace, you notice how coarse his hands actually were, then begin to appreciate just how hard he works for you, especially when the job he does is what rewards your lavish and expensive tastes that he doesn't question in the slightest.

You assumed that being a part of the mafia wasn't easy in the slightest and would explain his early morning departures and late night returns. After you trace the tail end of the heart, you kiss the middle of his palm, coercing him to hum.

"That one is easy. You wrote your name." He responds with a soft smirk.

"Gyomei, you know damn well it was a shape." You guffaw while rolling your eyes.

"It was a heart. And, considering you are my heart I would say that you wrote your name." He states earnestly.

Your pretty brown cheeks fill with heat as you place your palm into his again, this time placing your fingers into the space of his and gripping his hand. "Smooth talker. I fucking love you, Gyomei."

"I love you too. You know that." He states before returning your grasp and leaning into a kiss. It lasts for a few moments, the sound of crashing lips fill the air and soft giggles could be heard throughout the living room as you remove your hand from his and drape your arms around his neck. As time passed, the previous giggles had turned into feverish moans and your listless arms were now fingers gripping Gyomei's shoulders.

He speaks between your kisses, smiling against your lips as as he nuzzles his nose against yours. "I've… Missed you… So much."

"Me too~" You respond breathily, reluctantly removing yourself from him to grab his hand and start to lead him to the bedroom enthusiastically, almost tripping over your own feet only to be caught by the loving giant.

"Slow down, we'll get there…" He teases.

[hms-no-fun]

so, (SPOILERS FOR FIONNA AND CAKE but its relevant to the question but im gonna put a bunch of line breaks just in case lol)

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so fionna and cake ended with fionna basically being like, you know, youre RIGHT god, if magic came back my wish would simply be twisted and it would suck, there will be no rule breaking miracles! I will now work as a struggling minimum wage employee in seattle and Be Happy about it. i sure am glad the threat of losing everyone i know and love set me straight!! sorry to send u this really random thing the ending just felt like such a slap in the face and i wanted to ask someone who knows that exact Seattle Struggle. this is absolutely me appealing to the Writing Gods to back me up that the ending wasnt very good lmao but if i have a direct line to the craftsgoat i simply must use it for something stupid at least once

FULL SERIES SPOILERS FOR FIONNA & CAKE AFTER THE BREAK!!!

i really disagree with your read on the ending. it didn't feel like "just struggle with seattle minimum wage forever and be happy about it" at all to me! the whole instigating incident was that fionna wanted to transform reality into something that she personally thought would be better, without taking into account the fact that other people exist and have internal lives just as complex as hers. she comes back to her original world to find marshall and gary holding hands, explains to them the magical adventure she's been on and the fact that their world is about to transform into something unrecognizably magical, and they receive this with abject horror! fionna doesn't know whether simon becoming ice king again will erase marhsall & gary's burgeoning relationship, which makes her realize that in her quest to escape the boring, oppressive reality of working odd jobs to make ends meet, she's only ever focused that energy on how to make things better for her.

i really want to dig into this because it's a key theme of the show. there is a destructive selfishness innate to the "heroes" of this universe, who feel entitled to the joyous empowerment of being able to defeat anyone and everyone they see in open combat. cake has a whole musical number about this! simon's arc in the last two episodes was betty grabbing him and shaking him until he finally asked himself, how would my life have been different if i'd just once let the woman i loved steer the ship for a while? and then of course we see the lich in a reality where he succeeded in eradicating all life, only to find himself desiccated and without purpose, begging the god of chaos for an answer it cannot give. brian david gilbert's ice prince seems perfectly put together and successful, until the reveal that he's outsourced his madness to someone who didn't accept the terms of the crown's curse. this didn't solve the fundamental problem, it just inverted the roles of its expression by making princess bubblegum into the mad candy queen. nothing about the status quo has changed, simon has simply given himself a more dignified role in it.

this is a story about what happens when people in struggle behave as though they are the protagonist of reality. when fionna says "this is the world i want to fight for" she's not fighting for the right to get another shitty minimum wage job. i think you've really missed something by accepting that conclusion when cake the cat is right there saying that her magical self IS the version of herself she wants to live as. being a normal house cat for her was, arguably, a form of body dysmorphia, and the show lets her keep that magic at the end! the thing is, their world IS changed by the events of the show! the status quo is altered!

like, what do we actually see everyone DOING when the credits approach? we see this entire disconnected community banding together to rebuild the city together, and we see a huge crowd of protesters outside marshall's mom's place demanding that she lower rents. we see people connecting with other people, including three outcasts from other universes escaping to this more boring one for their own safety. i loved this ending honestly, because it felt to me like an attempted refutation of the very idea that you can magically transform reality into something better overnight. if fionna'd gotten her original wish and made her world into, like, candy world, then... what? let's say they play it as like, at last people are freed from the shackles of capitalism and everyone just gets to be weird funky critters going on adventures or whatever. what would that, as art, actually say? what would that mean to us in the real world? if we're going into this cartoon looking for some kind of revolutionary energy (which IS present in the text, much to its credit), what actionable or symbolically resonant message are we supposed to take from a story that resolves its problems with magic? at that point, it ceases to be relevant as anything more than pure fantasy, because it has abandoned any connection to the material reality WE are trapped in.

i don't want to magically transform the world overnight. this whole show goes out of its way to explore how trying to transform the world overnight, in a world where such a thing is possible, is a really fucking bad idea for a whole host of reasons. regardless, such things aren't possible in our world. so going into the finale, my worry was that they WOULD turn fionna's world into another candy world and just say, ah, the revolution is when you think the right things so hard that the material plane bends to your will.

that's neoliberal thinking. that's like the essence of the failed leftist project of the "end of history" era from the 90s onwards, when marxism was systematically rooted out of academic cultural analysis and replaced with the delusion that if you can just get people thinking the right things, you can affect change in the world. well here we are, it's 2023 and all that magical thinking has got us is a world on fire and a civilization of human beings so thoroughly disempowered that they would literally rather pretend to be a tortured anime protagonist than exist in this boring, shitty, violent reality. you can't think your way out of oppression. raising labor consciousness is, at best, step one. you want to know why unions are winning big right now when they've been completely useless in this country for decades? it's because they've stopped giving a shit about optics they can't control and remembered that the boss's value does not exist without labor. you do not necessarily need marxism for this, marxism is simply the most accurate articulation of the fact that workers who make the things a capitalist sells can kneecap the capitalist by refusing to make the things they want to sell. change doesn't happen with the publishing of a book or whatever, it happens when enough people in real life press their material demands hard enough that someone in charge is left no choice but to listen.

so for me, fionna & cake ending the way it did was a huge relief, because it wasn't espousing magical thinking. the solution to fionna's ennui and economic anxiety was not to just get another job and be happy to live in the world as it was-- it was to create a sense of shared community and struggle, uniting the not-seattleites in their survival of a near-apocalypse and using it as a jumping off point for fundamentally transforming the state of that world as it exists. fionna had to realize that her problems are everyone's problems, and that making her life personally better at the expense of everyone else's agency is just an act of kicking the can of responsibility down the road indefinitely. no one who gets their wish in this show is happy to have gotten it, or avoids punishing others who didn't ask to be involved.

the "canonization" of fionna & cake felt like a reaction to the idea that we in our world are permanently isolated from the fictional realities we create where change seems to come so easy, and the powerlessness that can engender. instead this show is saying, okay, let's say we are in continuity with these fantastical realities. what do we actually DO with that? how do we make this world more fun, more interesting, more fulfilling for everyone to live in? the answer is the same as it's always been, and no other answer would ever feel satisfying: you do it by organizing the workers against the current arrangement of the state with the explicit goal of transforming it for the better.

what does simon do at the end when he gives fionna her world to her? he says that no one person should have that responsibility, that it's been in one person's hands for too long. so he gives it to her in the form of a dandelion, whose blown seeds merge with and become part of everyone trying to survive the scarab's attack. the idea here is that while no single person ever possesses the power to transform the world on their own, the world itself belongs to all of us, and it is within our power to transform it together. those who hoard power want us to believe that this is not the case precisely because the basis of their power is fraudulent and maintained through the violence of the state.

as someone who does live in seattle for better and worse, as much as i do wish i could make literally anything better right the fuck now by whatever means necessary... the fact is i can't. and it does no one any good to labor under the assumption that i or any other individual has that kind of absolute transformative power. the solutions are all right there, and they are simple, materialist propositions whose only difficulty lies in how successfully we've been propagandized to think that the individual is God, or at least speaks on His behalf. there's no thinking our way out of this pickle, and no one's gonna do the hard work for us.

as to the question of how you actually get people in real life to get together and do all that hard work... well, personally i think it's unfair to ask a 10 episode cartoon show to give you any kind of actionable advice on that front. i might even go so far as to say that such an expectation is an expression of the very same magical thinking which the show tries to push back against! in any case i liked it quite a lot and i hope this rambling answer encourages you to revisit the show and reconsider some of your takeaways

[silverynight]

Underworld

<---Previous

Part XXIII

Izuku invites Aizawa over to his house again and the god can't refuse because lately he can't say 'No' to anything the green haired demigod tells him.

"I'll stay a couple of minutes. Although I do have to talk to your mother about your training."

Inko likes Aizawa, mostly because she knows everything that god has done for her son, so she's very kind to him whenever he pays them a visit.

As soon as she sees him, she starts making tea for the three of them. Aizawa sits at the table and waits for Izuku to finish telling his mother that he wants to train.

"Train?" Inko gets slightly worried; she usually associates that word with a future conflict, otherwise why would he require training? "Is it something wrong, Izuku?"

He hesitates for a second. He considers telling his mother about Endeavor, but she has nothing to do with that and telling her would only worry her for nothing.

Besides, Izuku is almost sure Todoroki's father won't do anything like that again.

"I want to be able to protect myself."

Inko looks back at him; she knows him really well and is sure that there's something more to it, but she also finds the response reasonable enough.

"Alright, just don't get yourself in trouble," she says, right before pulling her son into her arms. Then she glances at Aizawa for a moment. "I know you have done a lot for him already, but please take care of him."

Aizawa nods, with a soft smile on his lips.

"About that, Mrs Midoriya... the first couple of weeks of his training will be here, but later I'll have to take him to the Olympus at least for a few days. Are you okay with that?"

Inko nods.

"Of course. I trust you. I know you really care about my son."

Aizawa stays there for a while and then he goes out with Izuku to explain to him some things about his training.

Actually, Izuku is very excited about it and nervous too; just a few hours ago he had no idea he could do more than making flowers bloom or taking care of trees and crops.

"I'll come back here every day for your training. I also have to talk to All Might about this, although I think he'll like the idea. He mentioned something about training you too."

Izuku gets flustered; he's so happy now. Turns out All Might have been thinking about him too! Maybe he's not that useless as a demigod as he thought he was.

"Although he's definitely not going to like what happened with Endeavor."

Narrowing his eyes with concern, Izuku takes a step closer to Aizawa.

"Do you have to tell him?"

"He has to know what happened," the god says, getting slightly angry as he remembers everything. "Besides, Endeavor needs to understand that there are consequences... he doesn't have the right to do whatever he pleases just because he's a god, especially when he's threatening another one."

Izuku nods, accepting Aizawa's decision. He then smiles and hugs him again before he leaves.

Aizawa rolls his eyes, but he hugs him back.

***

The first few days are difficult; Izuku has no idea how to focus enough to make the thorns appear again.

"That's because you were scared," Aizawa explains. "You unconsciously channeled your power in order to protect yourself. That's good in extreme circumstances, but at the same time, it's dangerous. When you let an emotion dictate what you do or how you react, you lose control over yourself."

Izuku nods, remembering being scared of himself too; not knowing how to pull back the vines.

"When you do something with a clear mind, you have control over your own actions."

Then Aizawa decides to stop focusing on the vines and asks Izuku to help trees grow for a while and explain out loud how he does it.

It's strange at first; he's so used to it he mostly ignores the steps in order to achieve what he wants.

"I can feel this tree's energy," he explains, surprised by his own response. "I just give it more to accelerate the process of its growth. I visualize it in my mind."

Aizawa nods and just observes what Izuku usually does on a normal day in his own field.

The next day, he asks Izuku to make a couple of vines grow from the ground. This time, Izuku is a little bit more prepared for it.

It's like any other plant; nature is Izuku's friend, it has always helped him when he needs it the most.

He just needs to be kind and ask gently.

The demigod takes a deep breath, and focuses on what he can see in front of him. Slowly, a vine grows from the ground and stops when it gets as tall as Izuku. But it's only one and it doesn't have thorns on it.

"Good. That's progress," Aizawa smiles at Izuku, looking proud. "Now, you have to do that at least ten times more. It's okay if it doesn't have thorns, at least for now."

Izuku ends up exhausted, but he's happy about the results; not all of the vines are as tall as him, but he manages to get one to curl around a tree. Although, he thinks it was mostly luck, but he gets excited about it nonetheless.

It's not going to be easy, but it's satisfying when he manages to get something right.

***

After a week Katsuki comes to pay him a visit while he's in the middle of a training session; the vines he's managing to make grow are not taller than him, but they have a couple of thorns now. Izuku can even make the vines move a bit.

"Oi, Izuku!"

"Kacchan!" Suddenly, the vines start growing flowers and the flowers bloom the closer the god of the dead gets.

Aizawa's brows quirk up with curiosity as he looks at Izuku and the green haired demigod immediately blushes to the tip of his ears.

Izuku wonders if Aizawa knows what's going on; he's probably the smartest deity in the Olympus. He must know something's going on.

"Alright, I think it's enough for today," Aizawa mumbles, looking from Izuku to Katsuki.

"Aizawa is training you now?" The blond god asks, a little bit surprised. "Why? Are you alright, Izuku? What's going on?"

Izuku hasn't talked to anyone about Endeavor; the other day Iida told him All Might had an argument with the other god. And said he hadn't seen All Might so angry before; he didn't know what they were arguing about, but he managed to hear All Might telling Endeavor not to get closer to Izuku again.

Izuku doesn't want Katsuki to get angry on his behalf; he doesn't want to cause any more trouble.

"I want to be able to protect myself." He says exactly what he told his mother.

"Alright, but... I just want you to know I'm here for you too, if you... need help," Katsuki is usually proud and confident, but that day he looks particularly flustered.

Izuku finds it endearing; a couple of flowers bloom around them and Katsuki notices, looking at them with curiosity.

"I'll leave you alone for now, but I'll come back tomorrow," Aizawa says then.

Izuku nods, making the vines go back to the ground as his cheeks turn slightly pink again.

Katsuki takes one of his hands and stares into his eyes with a soft smile; his cheeks are pink too.

"I missed you, Izuku."

Izuku can't help but jump into his arms; he pulls him close to give him a hug and realizes that his crush on him is getting worse. And yet he doesn't let go of him.

***

Next--->

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[a-d-nox]

pac/pap: what bad habit(s) are you struggling with? what happens when you drop your bad habit(s)? what to keep in mind as you break your bad habit(s)?

take what resonates leave what doesn't - nothing is 100% for you because these aren't personalized so please no angry comments or dms about what i am saying not being a good fit for you or that you "don't claim" just keep scrolling if that is the case. be kind, self reflect, and have fun.

last pac/pap: what is the energy that surrounds you and how can you best protect your energy?

return to the masterlist of pap/pac posts

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pile one

procrastination. i have the feeling that you have a lot of goals and hopes that end up being "broken" or "abandoned" dreams. you likely try to take on too much all at once - you likely have the bad habit of start a lot of tasks but then not finishing anything. this likely causes you frustration because of the lack of progress you see leads to you feeling uninspired. then you start procrastinating on your goals and hopes - its a vicious cycle that you are in.

when you free yourself from procrastination, you will have hope once more. you'll turn a corner and start making dreams into reality - you'll stop mourning what could have been and instead see the possibility of what could be. right now you seem to be focusing on projects that are only half finished - if you focus on one project, determine how you can finish it, and then finish it - you will gain your momentum back.

as you face your procrastination know that you are intelligent and wise. you can make decisions and plans that will make these projects worthwhile. use logic instead of emotions you are likely thinking too much about what others will think/feel and no enough about the logistics of how you can get the project done.

pile two

projection, double-standards, and self-deception. i get the sense that you are struggling to see things as they truly are. you likely are in a holding pattern - it all feels the same because you aren't doing anything different. you must do internal work and break cycles in order to see progress. you have the ability to adapt and evolve, you simply need to allow yourself to do so. i sense there is some self-deception going on as well - i have a feeling that you are judging others inconsistencies and irregularities without evaluating your own. it's scary to confront the lies you tell yourself, the fear you feel, and what you feel ashamed of in your life at this moment in time - but it is time you do so. its time to reconnect with your inner self and be vulnerable. you aren't perfect and that is okay but it is not okay to not evolve and expect others to be perfect and change for you.

when you stop struggling with these inconsistencies between wanting others to be perfect and being unwilling to grow and change yourself, you will see that the universe is presenting you with new opportunities. in relationships, you won't be worrying that you can't find a romance like the one you perviously experienced, instead you will be looking forward to the possibilities of the future. you also won't be as afraid to share who you truly are with others. you could get a new job because you won't be as afraid to admit that the one you are currently in is not for you - you'll be more willing to take a risk and do things you perviously feared others would judge you for.

as you work on limiting behaviors and high expectations without the willingness to change yourself, remember that you to have the power to change. you can't expect others to change for you without being willing to change yourself. take risks you wouldn't normally take - stand up for what you believe in without worrying what others will think. don't be afraid to seek advice from others as you work on this aspect of your life.

pile three

accepting/making false-promises. i have a feeling that you have a bad habit of making promises/deals with strings attached. look at your own intentions as well as those you are involved with - i have a feeling you don't do that often and it only leads you or others getting hurt. if you only do things because it is to your benefit, it is time you self evaluate. you might be a bit too greedy and you might need to be more willing to give your time, money, and/or energy without expecting something in return. or you might be too giving - evaluate why you feel the need to give knowingly to those who wouldn't do the same for you.

when you stop making promises and deals with strings attached, you can start focusing on what you can control in this chaotic world. you have the tendency of thinking that you can control everything and everyone around you and that just is not true - no one has to do what they promise and when you realize that, you will be better in control of your life situation because you will be taking attention in your own life instead of waiting for others to help you or you doing things for others instead of doing things for yourself.

keep in mind while you stop waiting for others to keep there false-promises, that you have yet to make your dreams reality. i sense you are the trickiest of the piles - you are set in your belief that you need others or even the universe to bring you what you want instead of going after it yourself. you might need to take a minute and think about what you truly want but then you certainly have the ability to go after it - so do it.

[thrashkink-coven]

Hey there! I've been looking on Tumblr for someone who is experienced in ritual work with deities and isn't exclusive to Greek or Norse gods/goddesses. I've been practicing for a bit less than 3 years and I'm quite new to Demonolatry, and I don't know anyone who shares knowledge or experience on it, so I wanted to reach out for advice to someone who knows their craft. And I saw that you work with Lucifer so I was hoping you'd know about it?

I recently did a ritual (I practice traditional Demonolatry) and while I meditated I fell into a sudden trance. I've done meditation and rituals before, but this was completely new and I have never experienced this. I suddenly got scared because I didn't know what was happening and my body was moving like on it's own. Or maybe I imagined that?

I wanted to ask if this is normal, if you've ever experienced something like that? Does deep trance happen during ritual? Because I'm a bit uneasy about it and don't know how to go from here since there was a lot of energy that I didn't know where it came from and I just rushed out of the ritual. Do you have any advice or know someone who could help me? Thanks in advance.

Hi, yes! This has definitely happened to me before, most prominently when I was first really getting into my practice with Archangels. What I believe may have happened is that you had your first major "breakthrough" which is naturally unnerving because its so unnatural.

I've made a post in the past about "third eye opening techniques," and mentioned that once you start really falling into your first trance, your brain will usually snap you out of it. You'll get butterflies or feel like you're falling, and your brain will automatically make you "wake up". It may force a thought if only to make sure you can still think because your mind is so abnormally quiet; the only other time you enter this kind of "wavelength" is when you are in deep sleep, or dying. The brain is naturally averted to these things. However, in the right environment, when things align in a peculiar way, you may be more predisposed to accepting a trance. This happens most often to me when I'm seriously focused on meditating on a sigil or enn to the point where I become completely consumed with my intention of channeling a deity or spirt. This is very hard to describe with words, but you feel as though everything has stopped, you're almost a part of the environment whilst simultaneously not being "there". You're inside your body but you're not, and everything is quiet and connected.

What this really is, is a minor ego death. People who take psychedelics probably empathize easily with this feeling. Once you start learning how to counteract the natural abortive instinct, you will enter a trance like state.

The very first time I truly experienced this was with Archangel Jophiel, who has been a massive guide to me in my craft in regards to dealing with my disbelief and skepticism. I remember falling into a deep trance, in which I felt like I was no longer even in my body, but I could feel myself rising from a laying to sitting position, and when Jophiel ordered me to, I extended my hand out to him without controlling it. I immediately snapped out of it, freaked out and questioned my experience for days afterwards.

This isn't actually all that uncommon, especially in regards to deity work, mediumship and necromancy. Automatic writing for example, is a form of divination in which practitioners allow a deity or spirit to move their hand when holding a pencil. The resulting words or drawing are then interpreted by the practitioner when they have returned from the trance state.

These things can happen on accident, but its important that it's not happening unintentionally often, as this can result in developing a dissociative disorder. Grounding exercises that are typically used for things like anxiety and panic attacks can actually help very much with staying planted after a trance or an astral journey.

If you're interested in things like divination, mediumship or astral projection then practicing this skill could be very useful to you. It is a very helpful avenue for me when communicating with Lucifer. However if the idea makes you uncomfortable or distressed, using sensory tools and textures during meditation can help greatly in remaining connected to your body even while in states of deep focus. This experience is usually freaky to anyone who has it, so I wouldn't worry about it too much.

One book that I read that helped me really understand this phenomenon was "The Book of Spirit Communications" by Raymond Buckland. It speaks about the history of Mediumship as well as some techniques to practice entering trance states.

[codenamesazanka]

i dropped mha awhile ago bc it was getting a bitttt too copaganda-y for me and you are like one of three mha blogs i still follow i tuned back in again just to find out the ending im so sorry to shigaraki he shouldve at least been allowed to destroy mount fuji rip king he’ll be spitting on heroes from the skys now….. the kinda split reaction between the japanese fans and western fans is interesting to me it kinda feels like fans are reacting to two different stories? or like focused on very different aspects? anyways thanks for what you do keep it up 👍🏻

Thank you for all your follow and love for all these years!!!! <3333 i'm really happy and grateful and I hope i've kept you entertained the whole time!!!!

Yeah, BnHA is very adamant about its Heroes! So! Cool! Worship Them Like Gods! thing. Just when you think it'll be deconstructing the concept of Hero Society, All Might comes back to be fueled by the wishing energy of the world to inject acid into his opponent. Quite a choice. I'm so just in it for the villains. Sorry it didn't work out for you! And sorry you had to come back to Shigaraki ending up like that. 😭😭😭so far. He really should've been allowed to destroy Mt. Fuji.

As for the contrast between the Japanese fandom and the English-speaking fandom... I caution my observations being the whole and objective truth!

I'm much more familiar with Villain Fans Section of the English-speaking fandom; and while we're very loud and vocal, it does seem like the majority opinion is that Heroes are cool, Villains are bad, ending is acceptable. Meanwhile, I'm looking only at japanese tweets through keywords, and they're bound to be more positive because it seems like people avoid tagging their hate; anonymous message boards are freer with their criticism, but there's still never essay-length rants. I'm sure there has bound to be those existing somewhere, but with my mainly surface access into jfandom, I wouldn't know where to look for them.

Plus, there are a few people in jfandom who have the same gripes: why is Endeavor allowed to continue to be a Hero; the heteromorph resolution is majority-oriented and unfair to the minorities; the social issues aspect should've been addressed more; Deku shouldn't have invaded Shigaraki's mind like that, and it's a bit concerning that he seems to have no reaction to the total annihilation of a man in front of him, etc. Not a lot, and, as I said, not as vocal as in English-speaking fandom, but they're there.

However, from my observations, in my opinion I think there are a few key differences:

Shonen Jump is about the protag Heroes. What it is and should be. I think bnha is pointed out to be pretty uniquely sympathetic to its villains?

jfandom are much less lenient towards the Villains. They can love the League, they can criticize Heroes, but they readily acknowledge that the League have done terrible things and should be punished accordingly. Doesn't matter their sad backstories; they still hurt people and they need to pay for that. They're unforgivable. Like, the idea that Tenko killing his family - even if completely by accident, even if manipulated - is a sin no matter what and he should atone for it, is more prominent. (There are also people who will forever know Bakugou as the 'jump off the roof' bully and never forgive him no matter how much development he goes through.)

The concept of 'saving' seems to be more focused on saving the heart, freeing someone from suffering, giving them relief. It does not necessarily mean not killing them, or ever forgiving them, or ever considering them likeable.

the concept of 'the needs of the many outweighs the needs of the few' seems to also be somewhat more significant. of course the few should be accepted and treated right, and they should be accommodated, but it's best to... avoid causing trouble for other (normal) people, let's say. Sometimes, though, the few can't be made to feel accepted, and that's how things are. It's a pity. There are definitely people fighting against this idea, and English-speaking fandom isn't exempt from this either (soooo many 'wow Toga is just a psychopath' takes still existing; and also 'who cares about Muscular' even from the Villain fans), but it's a thing.

Jfandom appears to like it more that Shigaraki sticks to his guns. to the very end, he's stays true to the League; he stands by his choices and actions even if they were under undue influence; and he's a Hero to the Villains. Loyalty and a strong conviction are valued. Seems to be less fretting whether Tenko and Tomura are separate people/identities/persona. (Still a few who think 'Shimura Tenko' will come back.)

and so end result is that overall, Deku did do his job, and admirably at that. He didn't ignore The Crying Child when he could've/should've because Shigaraki was already unforgivable for his actions at Jaku (and before); he saved Shigaraki/Tenko's heart by providing relief, but that doesn't necessarily mean he needed to understand or befriend Shigaraki, or that Shigaraki should be converted (for lack of better word) and saved physically; he's a Hero who stopped a threat and saved the world; and Shigaraki disintegrating is simply just desserts.

But like I said above, it could be that those points aren't specific at all to jfandom. There are certainly a lot of people who think the ending is great and satisfying in the english-speaking fandom (and from what i've seen of machine-translated spanish/french/portuguese/etc tweets, also those fandoms). It's just the critiques are very in your face, and Villain fans are very vocal. I know I certainly am.

Thanks for the ask!!!!!

[knightyoomyoui]

JeongMi (Jeongyeon x Mina) - "Wallflower"

I'm back! I just want to say that starting from this, most of my one-shot works would have only a 2k–3k word limit, or should I say... It's going to be shorter, unlike before, when I could exceed 5,000 plus BUT I could still make it longer if i get so invested on coming up ideas to add on the story. I apologize for that. I'm just really busy these days because I'm starting to look for ways to earn my own income, which I can use to help myself and my family's needs, while also focusing on my studies because I'm officially going to be a sophomore this coming Monday.  I'm not going to have much time to write new plots, but of course, if I have the energy and free time to do so, then I will definitely do it! Wish me luck, guys!

Since I mentioned that I'm looking for a way to earn money, I will be using this hobby of mine, which is writing stories, so feel free to support me further by donating to my Ko-Fi account! Thank you so much, and have fun reading!

DROP YOUR DONATIONS HERE! ---> https://ko-fi.com/knightyoomyoui

"Ohhh is that so?"

"Aww thank you."

"I appreciate your kind words."

Behind those words, the department head manager of TDOONG Creative Team, Yoo Jeongyeon, is trying her utmost best to handle her irritation with all the attention she has been getting ever since she stepped foot in this crowded room full of people who just want to have fun like her.

However, what Jeongyeon has been encountering so far makes it seem to drain her enjoyment to look forward to this particular event she attended.

She completely understood that it's pretty normal for people to approach and interact with her; all she has to do is respond and entertain them back. Sure, she may be an extrovert, but everything has its own limits, and that could apply to what Jeongyeon is referring to.

Especially when most of the reason why she's feeling this way is because she only gathers interest from people not to get to know her as who she is as a person, but rather only focusing on her exceptional beauty that would easily pass on the standard of being a fashion model if only she didn't take this route of putting herself in where she is right now, as one of the leaders of a top-ranking company.

Jeongyeon took a sip of her orange juice and roamed her eyes around. She had a glance at another man who seemed less attractive than the previous ones she faced with, who were also pretty, to be honest.

Quickly directing her eyes away and pretending that she wasn't aware of this man's incoming presence, she finds a place in the room where she can settle herself away from the crowd so that she can avoid hearing another unamusing, weak flirt and random stuff to listen to.

Jeongyeon saw a vacant seat near the corner and walked through it, but not until she observed something that halted her steps.

There was a table with only one occupant; only the empty chairs and her food were the only things that were with that person.

She recognized instantly that the woman sitting alone at the table was the most creative and smartest member of her team, named Myoui Mina.

Jeongyeon changed her mind, feeling pity for this lady, and she could see through her face that she's also holding her patience to make herself worth having her time around here.

She walked through Mina's spot and snatched an empty chair, startling her co-worker.

"Mind if I seat?"

"S-sunbaenim?" Mina looked at her in disbelief. She glanced away before silently accepting her excuse.

Jeongyeon grinned and nodded. She sat on the chair beside Mina, looking at the direction where Mina is watching through.

"So... what's the best talent of the division doing here all by herself?" She initiated a conversation first.

"I-I'm not really used at this thing, s-sunbae." Mina shyly answered.

"Then why did you attend?" Jeongyeon asked. She saw the guilt expression of Mina and quickly repeats to dodge any offensive remarks.

"Don't get me wrong, please. I was just curious why did you come if being in a party isn't the one you are used to be in?"

"Well... I learned that all of us in the team would be attending the party. I was suppose to decline it before I discovered that so... I had no choice but to change since I-I don't want to embarass myself for being absent and our team for being incomplete." Mina reasoned.

Jeongyeon ahh-ed in realization and snickered afterwards. "You really think of that, Mina? C'mon, it's not a big deal, okay? This is not even mandatory; it was just our way to celebrate the company's improvement in the ranks," she assured her. "There's this one called 'excuse letter', right? Why didn't you just create one and send it to me? I would've granted it."

Mina didn't respond in return. She knew that Jeongyeon was completely making sense, so she has nothing more to say about that.

"Where are your colleagues?"

"I'm looking at them."

Jeongyeon joined where Mina is looking at and there they are, dancing enthusiastically into the music being played by the DJ.

She clicked her tongue and relaxed her posture on the chair. Out of curiosity, Jeongyeon questioned Mina again who continued eating her carbonara on the plate.

"Aren't you getting bored of being alone?"

Mina shook her head. She spoke after swallowing the food. "No, Sunbaenim. I actually do prefer to be left alone. I'm more comfortable just living and moving on my own, you know? I just love being free and not forcing myself."

"But do you have any chance... have a desire to feel like you belong with others?"

Mina fell silent again; she only stared at Jeongyeon, and her lips formed into a frown. "Yeah, but I find it hard to do so, knowing how I struggle with being socially confident."

Jeongyeon then remembers how she always sees Mina quiet and pure working around the office, and at first she thought it was just part of her professionalism, but now it has been clarified that Mina is just acting as herself all this time.

To be honest, Jeongyeon would agree that it fits Mina's personality. Pure, kind, elegant, and tender. That's what she gets when it comes to knowing Mina as her co-worker and an acquaintance.

But from what she can see of Mina's way of talking, she actually does find the woman very nice to communicate with. That prompted Jeongyeon to attempt going further with this newfound connection that they have together.

"It may not be a full sympathy that I could give to you because we are still different, but... I do kind of feel what you've been experiencing so far, and wow, it feels strange at all." Jeongyeon shrugged. "I also wanted to be left alone, get separated from this crowd. I just noticed that their way of approaching me wasn't that very sincere at all. It was like they were just using the opportunity to step close to me and admire my beauty instead."

She looks at Mina, who is watching her talk while listening. "How can you stand being alone? How could anybody be fine with seeing somebody getting left behind or being noticed only for advantage?"

Mina and Jeongyeon both sighed at their similar concerns. Mina finds it surprising that for once, there was somebody who was able to bravely express all of her struggles and share the same as what she has been going through, especially coming from someone she didn't expect to be.

At first, Mina thought that she and Jeongyeon were apart from each other. Thanks to this moment, she discovered that people do actually still have something in common, despite how visible it may be for others to describe their qualities that might differ from the rest.

This night, she learned that Jeongyeon and she were the same.

"You don't deserve to be treated that way, Sunbaenim. They don't appreciate you for being a great leader and an employee of this company we're working at. All of your hard work must've felt like it still meant something when most of the people around you could only remember you for being beautiful.

I mean, being pretty wasn't that bad, and you are beautiful, Sunbaenim. I could say it is a gift, but... Couldn't people just praise more on other things that are worth acknowledging?

If only I could just talk to you sooner and thank you for doing a great job every day, I wouldn't hesitate to do it, Sunbaenim. I would do it myself."

Jeongyeon was stunned at Mina's remark. She clearly wasn't expecting Mina to go on a rant because of the unfair treatment that Jeongyeon is receiving, and for once, there was never a person who would spat it out loud in front of her face that she deserves better for many reasons other than Mina herself.

They are simply unbelievable, aren't they?

Mina slowly lost her courage to stare more at Jeongyeon, who became silent after that long speech she just released. "U-uhm... did I say too much? I'm so sorry."

"Wow Mina that was.... that was very thoughtful of you." Jeongyeon sheepishly smiled, blushing. "T-thank you, really. And I could say the same for you, Mina. You deserve better too and... you're also beautiful."

"Everybody does." Mina corrected. Both of them nodded in approval. Just then, Mina's eyes largened when she lately discovered something. "W-wait... w-what did you say at the end?"

"Uhh that you are also pretty, Mina? Why?"

"Uhm... did I really went that far on my-agh..." Mina shook her head rapidly and looked away at Jeongyeon again in embarassment. "I'm really sorry, sunbaenim. I should watch m-"

"No, stop. Mina, don't worry. Why are you so scared about? I liked it." Jeongyeon chuckled and massaged Mina's shoulder. "That was probably the most sincere compliment I ever got than everybody who tries to make a move on me."

Mina shuddered at Jeongyeon's touch and the other meaning she could think of from what she said. Her face starts to go red in flush but she tries to hold it in to avoid acting weirder near Jeongyeon.

"Hey, since both of us are here and nobody is trying to interrupt us more, why don't we just talk more about anything?" Jeongyeon offered.

And so did they. They talked after an hour, and Jeongyeon was relieved that Mina was starting to become brave and comfortable by her side. It was absolutely surprising that Mina is actually a great person to spend time talking with, noting that not only is she so gentle with her way of speaking but also that melodic soft voice that she has, which makes her more enticing to listen to.

When the DJ alerted everyone that it was time to dance, people started to gather around and find their partner. Jeongyeon refuses any invitation because of what she's going to do next.

"Mina, would you like to try to join me for a dance?"

Mina was astounded. She looked at Jeongyeon's free hand, pointing at her, just waiting for her response. "But I'm not a good dancer, Sunbae. People might look at me."

"Just disregard them, Mina. We're here to have fun, not to mind them of whatever they think. Who cares, they even look stupid, and I'm not even a good dancer too?" Jeongyeon recommended. "It's going to be alright, Mina."

Mina loosened her hesitation as her hand slowly grabs to Jeongyeon's hand and let herself get pulled carefully by Jeongyeon as they head into the dance floor.

At the circle, people had their eyes set on Jeongyeon and Mina dancing. Jeongyeon felt Mina being tensed and she easily calms the woman by pretending that nobody exists around them and it's just them in their own world having fun.

She turned Mina's head to make her eyes look directly at her as they synchronized their move, now it's just them focusing only at each other.

It did helped and it resulted as they were expecting it to be. After the dance, Jeongyeon and Mina heads back to their table and rested for a while before Jeongyeon spoke again.

"Hey, Mina. Would you like to go out with me somewhere?"

"We're leaving now?"

"It's okay if you want to stay here. I just want to get out here and be in a more relaxing place to spend the night away. I just asked you if you want to come with me because I thought you would needed it too."

Mina smiled at Jeongyeon's generosity. "Okay, I'll join you."

"Great, let's go. I'll take you to my favorite place to go to."

The employees were sad that Jeongyeon left and started to wonder why is she with Mina.

Both of them head to Han River where they bought streetfoods and sat together at a bench to eat and watch the river while talking along in a fine cold night air.

They went into some topics whether about work, personal life or anything else. A bit flexible than the previous they had earlier which was effectively impressed and intrigued each of them in their own stories.

That is, until Jeongyeon inserted this question that got her curious out of nowhere.

"So, Mina... do you find someone likeable in our workplace?"

Mina flinched, not expecting Jeongyeon that would ask such a daring and intense question like that.

She went extremely shy, directing her gaze away from Jeongyeon as her face went pale and cheeks puffed to contain herself.

"I-i don't." Mina stuttered.

"Oh really? I thought you'll have one." Jeongyeon chuckled. "Or... you just don't want to say it to me." she joked.

She forwarded her face beside Mina who is lowering her head and glancing only at the ground.

Mina heard that and her body trembles more in fear and panic. She quickly shook her head and muttered "No, I really don't have one." repeatedly.

"Hmm... okay." Jeongyeon nodded, pursing her lips. "We're the same then."

As they continue to walk through the shore of the river Jeongyeon finds Mina being strangely quiet.

She deduces that it must be due to what they talked about, so Jeongyeon wanted to clear up the suffocating tension between them.

"Mina, you good?"

"Y-yeah, why?" She responded, turning her head at Jeong.

"Nothing. I just feel like I ruined your mood because of what I asked earlier." Jeongyeon shook her head. "You've been quiet for minutes now. You don't even look at me when I did that."

Mina was taken aback that Jeongyeon caught that something's wrong with her. She underestimated Jeongyeon's observative skills, which she clearly got from being the team's leader, and how lame she was for that.

Jeongyeon gripped Mina's wrist and drew her attention, alerting the latter as her eyes sprung up when her eyes met Jeongyeon's deep and serious stares.

"If I crossed the line, Mina, I'm sorry. I just want us to know more about ourselves." Jeongyeon slightly bowed. "I just want to be your friend."

Mina felt sorry for Jeongyeon because she made her apologize for something she didn't do wrong. She is confused about what she should do to disregard Jeongyeon's apology.

"No, Sunbae, you don't have to." Mina patted Jeongyeon's shoulder and shook her hand in refusal. "The blame's on me. I didn't mean to overthink you with my weird antics. I guess you would encounter more of it when you're with me."

"I don't mind it." Jeongyeon shrugged. "You don't need to force yourself to change just to keep up with me. Just... be yourself, Mina. I'm one of the many people around this world who understands and values that every person has a different characteristics, and I definitely respect those who are just full of kindness in their manners."

"I want to be your friend because I don't want you to be alone most of the time. A literal friend to say, and for you to approach anytime you want. You can't just get seperated forever, Mina."

Mina softly smiled and her hands locked within theirselves, fingers fiddling as she absrobs all of Jeongyeon's comforting and assuring words.

"Thank you, sunbae-"

"Call me Jeongyeon... only if you would accept me."

Mina went agape as she looks at Jeongyeon pouting and crossing her arm. She looks so cute, as what she said inside her thoughts.

"O-okay. I want to be your friend too, Jeongyeon."

"There you go!" Jeongyeon clapped. "From now on, don't be shy whenever you're with me. Because I will always be here to join and help you with anything as much as I can."

Jeongyeon started to walk as she took the bites and slurps of her ice cream. Five steps away, she noticed that Mina remained standing on her spot, concerned about something.

"Mina? What's wrong?"

She went closer at Mina who is biting her lips, contemplating. "Jeongyeon... would you still really gonna consider yourself to get along with me if..."

She paused, slowly looking at Jeongyeon who is anticipatingly waiting for her next words to come out.

"Just tell me, Mina. I'm all ears to listen."

Mina heaved her chest to breathe out before continuing to speak. "I lied to you."

"What?" Jeongyeon blurted. "Uhh wh-"

"I do like someone in our office. I lied to you." Mina's voice slightly lowers as she prepares herself from what she's about to do next.

"I've been having a crush on her for months. Weeks after I started working at our department, I remember when I accidentally broke my heels and dropped all the documents I'm carrying in my hands.

Our team members looked at me. Maybe they were concerned, maybe some were laughing at my clumsiness. But there's only one out of them who I can really tell immediately that she cared for me."

Jeongyeon went curious at the pronoun 'she', discovering that Mina might be a bisexual or a lesbian which was unexpected.

"I couldn't answer truthfully because... I was just scared wondering what would occure if it got find out that if I say I like someone and the person I'm referring to is...

... is you, Jeongyeon."

Jeongyeon stared at Mina. Suddenly, her memory processed as it threw her back to that time Mina was mentioning. She was right, she was the one who helped Mina and aided her ankle which thankfully didn't got sprained but rather had bruises.

She is completely clueless that it would be the start of Mina admiring her secretly everyday whenever they get to work. She probably had her dark orbs transformed into pinkish hearts in her eyes as she watches her with a soft smile applying compress to Mina's hurt foot.

She probably taking slick glances at Jeongyeon on whatever she might be doing that Mina finds attracting to see or she is being missed throughly by Mina whenever she becomes absent in work.

She started chuckling at her last what if that Mina might be secretly getting jealous of seeing her acting a bit suspicious with other team members or other employees in the company. In addition, now it makes sense why Mina inserted that compliment she got back in the party and that "other reason" she's talking about. Mina attended the party because of Jeongyeon.

Mina furrowed her eyebrows, confused on what Jeongyeon found it funny to her confession. "Wait, seriously? I-it was me, Mina?"

"Y-yeah. Until now." Mina looked away.

Jeongyeon grinned. "Wow. For months, I didn't even know that I have a secret admirer being around me all this time. Impressive."

"So... you think that if you tell me the truth, I might reject you in an instant, run away at you and leave you here freezing in Han River as I delete all of the time we shared tonight in my memory. Is that so?"

"Guess you could say that."

"Well, Mina..." She stepped closer at Mina, now they're inches away from each other. "What if I tell you that I'm not doing any of that."

Jeongyeon forces Mina to look up at her, cupping her chin, causing the introverted lady to blush intensely at her touch. "I appreciate your feelings for me, and so far, the only thing I could say for you is that... you do actually look pretty too, Mina."

"I'm sorry if I can't give you the answer you want to hear yet. I don't want to rush things, so... hey. What if we give it a try?"

Mina was astounded. She didn't expect that Jeongyeon would consider this feeling; she had to willingly check it out and openly make her explore more of it. That only means that Jeongyeon does not care for her... but she has also developed trust in her, and that's very heartwarming, to say the least.

"Yes, I'm giving you the chance, Mina. Show me everything you have, because I'm interested in you too." Jeongyeon smirked. "You wouldn't know; one day, either soon or longer than that, I could finally admit to you that we should take it higher because I'm falling in love with you too."

"I-I will, Jeong. If that's what it takes then I accept it." Mina nodded and smiled. "I just couldn't believe it that this is finally happening. I never thought you would allow me to feel this way."

"You deserve it, Mina. You are highly gorgeous, pure, and elegant if I may describe. And to have this such kind of woman to be in love with me, I would really prefer it to know each others wants and likes. That way, we could know how we should make ourselves happy."

Jeongyeon pulled Mina and wrap her all over in a warm hug. Mina went teary eyes as she comfortably laid her head on Jeongyeon's broad shoulder, glad that the woman who stole her heart would accept her with open arms and freely let her admire more.

With relief, it was a blessing in disguise that she chose to attend the party despite having it against her desire.

-6 MONTHS LATER-

Jeongyeon stopped by in front of a flower shop just meters away from her workplace.

She entered and was greeted by the owner, asking her what does she prefer to buy and to whom she is giving it to.

"For my girlfriend, ahjumma."

"Aww look at you, want to make her fall for you more aren't you?" The old lady teases her, making Jeongyeon tightly smile.

"You got me there, ahjumma." She replied.

The old lady introduced Jeongyeon to some of the flowers displayed around the space that would suit as her gift for Jeongyeon to pick.

She wasn't getting invested to most of the flowers- but don't get it as a harsh idea that she didn't like it, those were still pretty but not  the one that suits her- until ahjumma presented to her one of the last remaining flowers she could offer for the handsome looking lady of a customer she has.

"Wallflower?" Jeongyeon reads its name written on the paper pasted on the surface of its container.

"Yes, it came from Southern Europe and as you can see, it has a yellow color but there are other that can have a red, orange, or purple color. It has a sweet smell and this kind of flowers mostly grow in the gardens." The lady describes the background of the plant to Jeongyeon as she checks it by herself. "This is actually a rare flower to consider for a bouquet to give on someone you like but... well, it's beautiful to look at."

"I agree, ahjumma. These looks wonderful."

"But wait, there's also meaning behind that flowers too." The old lady stops her. "The wonders that makes this flower special is that it represents faith, lasting beauty, everlasting love and a bond of affection if you want your relationship with that girl to be strong.

There's actually also this term for wallflower being used to describe people who are shy and possesses introverted personality, as it mostly bring simi-"

"Wait, ahjumma! I'm taking this." Jeongyeon interrupted the old lady, without any intention of disrespect.

"Aigoo... you have yours like that, don't you?" The old lady guessed. Jeongyeon just grinned and blushed.

The old lady brought some wallflowers with her and assembled it into a bouquet on her counter. Jeongyeon excitedly watched her doing it as the image of Mina is what appeared in her mind the more she inspects the bouquet.

"What's her name, if I may ask?"

"Mina. She's Japanese."

"Oh lucky of you, you even got yourself a foreigner." The old lady congratulated her which made them laugh at it.

Before Jeongyeon leaves the shop, she gave an extra payment for the old lady and thanked her so much for the service. The owner gave her one last advice to take as she departs.

"Don't hurt her and love her unconditionally, okay? That girl you have is fragile and pure, don't waste the blessing in your life."

Jeongyeon arrives in the workplace, attracting most of the employees strolling around her with the bouquet she has on her arms.

After leaving the elevator, she went to the Content Creative Team Department section where she got greeted by her members and proceeded by bunch of playful teases at her.

She went to the door that has the namecard plastered with Mina's name on it. Peeking at the window, she saw Mina being focus on managing the papers and working something on her computer at the same time.

Jeongyeon smiled as she admired Mina's adorable expression she makes when she thinks deeply, pressing the ballpen on her chubby cheeks.

She knocked on the door, alerting the woman inside. Jeongyeon turned the knob and opened the door as Mina said "Come in!"

Her eyes largened as she looked at Jeongyeon standing in her office with a cup of Starbucks coffee, a doughnut box and a bouquet of flowers in her arm.

"Good morning, my lovely Minari." Jeongyeon greeted her sweetly.

Mina chuckled and showed her precious gummy smile. "What's all of this? You really went into effort, huh?"

"Of course, it's our special day, so I have to." Jeongyeon hugged Mina and kissed her on the lips. "Happy 2nd month anniversary to us, and also... happy birthday to you, Mina."

"Happy birthday too, and thank you for these, Jeong." Mina kissed Jeongyeon again on the cheeks. She took the bouquet of flowers as Jeongyeon placed the doughnuts and the coffee on her desk.

"What is this flower, Jeong?"

"It's a wallflower, a rare one from overseas," Jeongyeon said. "The old lady told me what it means, and it simply just holds a promise that I want us to be strong together until the end while I devote my love only for you. The name was also a term to call for introverts, and it reminded me of you... with how I met you that started all of this and led us here in this moment, so I decided that this would be perfect."

Mina beamed a bright grin and blushed at Jeongyeon's touching comment. "This is beautiful, Jeong. Thank you so much."

"That's not it. I'm not done yet either. What do you say? Do we go out for dinner after work and celebrate?

"Sure."

Mina nodded in response. She and Jeongyeon embraced and went for another kiss before the lovers returned to being professionals with full motivation to begin complying with their respective tasks to work on today.

[zapreportsblog]

Spider Li Into The Spiderverse

➥ summary: (Y/n) Li was a normal teenage girl until she had been bitten by a radioactive spider one day after coming home from the gym, now she isn’t so normal. With abilities like non other (Y/n) goes from being this normal teenager to this crime stopping super hero Spider Li! But out-worldly forces come into play when other spider people start visiting her world to find out more about her. After all what spiderperson has a family that accepts them for being a superhero, friends who know of their secrets, and no canon event ever to be found in history?! Spider Li that’s who! So just what makes this girl so special?

➥ chapter 1: A Fateful Encounter

The gym pulsed with energy as the sound of gloves hitting punching bags filled the air. I stood in the midst of the bustling training space, focused and determined, preparing for an upcoming kickboxing match. Sweat trickled down my brow as I honed my skills, channeling my passion and dedication into each powerful strike.

As the end of my training session neared, my phone vibrated in my pocket, signaling an incoming call. I glanced at the screen to see it was my mom calling. With a sigh, I stepped out of the ring and wiped the perspiration from my face before answering.

"Hey, Mom," I greeted her, my voice slightly breathless.

"Sweetie, it's time to come home," she said, her voice filled with warmth and concern. "Dinner is ready, and we've been waiting for you."

I nodded, acknowledging her words. "I'll be there soon. Just need to grab my things and shower."

Ending the call, I glanced around the gym, the familiar sights and sounds comforting in their own way. As I prepared to leave, something caught my eye—a vibrant blue spider, its delicate web ensnared in the doorway. An instinctive sense of compassion welled up within me, and without a second thought, I reached out to rescue the tiny creature from its perilous predicament.

Carefully cradling the spider in my hands, I marveled at its striking hue. Its tiny legs crawled gently against my skin, and I felt a sense of connection to this delicate being. Concerned for its safety, I resolved to find a safe spot for it outside the gym, away from the dangers of being crushed underfoot.

Unbeknownst to me, this simple act of kindness would set in motion a series of events that would forever change the course of my life. With the spider safely in my hands, I made my way out of the gym, bidding farewell to the familiar faces and the scent of sweat and determination that permeated the air.

As I strolled home, the sun began its descent, casting a warm golden glow over the city streets. Thoughts of the spider briefly crossed my mind, but I dismissed them as inconsequential, unaware of the hidden power that lay within its venomous bite.

Upon reaching home, I entered our cozy abode, greeted by the comforting aroma of a home-cooked meal. My mom stood by the kitchen counter, her smile brightening as she saw me walk through the door.

"Hey, sweetheart," she said warmly. "How was your training?"

I shrugged, a mix of exhaustion and satisfaction washing over me. "It was good. I'm getting ready for the upcoming kickboxing match. Hopefully, all this hard work pays off."

My mom nodded, her eyes filled with pride. "I have no doubt it will, my dear. You've always been dedicated and determined. Now, come and have dinner. You've earned it."

I took a seat at the dining table, the aroma of the freshly prepared food filling the air. As we shared a meal, laughter and conversation flowed freely, the love and warmth of our family bonding us together.

Throughout the evening, the spider's bite remained a distant memory, its significance unbeknownst to me. Little did I realize that this seemingly inconsequential encounter would soon unlock a hidden power within me, forever changing the course of my journey.

As the night settled in, I retreated to my room, ready to rest and prepare for the challenges that awaited me. The spider, nestled within its newfound sanctuary, continued its silent transformation, its venom coursing through my veins, subtly awakening a dormant strength within me.

Unbeknownst to me, the spider's bite had triggered a chain reaction, altering my very essence. I would soon discover that this encounter was not a mere coincidence, but a catalyst for an extraordinary destiny.

As I drifted off to sleep, unaware of the changes already set in motion, I could never have imagined the incredible journey that awaited me—a path paved with adversity, discovery, and the realization of my true potential.

[hardcolorfest]

✨️ AM I PLURAL? ✨️

Please help me, I have gone back and forth on this for years, at least 10 years which is literally like a third of my life so far!

Please, I am desprate for ANY outside views and opinions, I feel like I need others to read my experience and help me understand why I keep on getting into this cycle of "this is plural/no actually its not."

EDIT: this is LONG and I ran out of energy near the end so the writing gets really sloppy so I added a timeline of events up top. I'm so sorry, this ended up turning into more of a vent towards the end, but if anyone wants to read my life story and give me... uhhh........ feedback? I'm sorry words hard now I'm so tired.

I'm getting tired of the doubting and accepting cycle, the "is this normal and I'm just attributing it to a plural thing" floating around in my head constantly. I'm going to try and keep this short, but I'll need to lay everything out so anyone can get a full picture of what I'm/We're working with.

First of all, sorry this is posted on a random empty blog with a title and description totally unrelated. I was going to use this blog for something else but the crisis in my/our identity keeps getting in the way of doing much of anything solid for the last like year now. That's how bad this has gotten now, I hardly feel like a real person anymore and I don't know what to do. Secondly I'm really sorry if there are typos or anything like that. Sometimes my phone autocorrects something and I won't notice that it's changed it to something really weird, like it sometimes switches "I" to "you" and so on for like literally no reason so idk.

Now on to the meat.

🌲

The timeline so far goes > 2012 discover systems > understand I'm not one even though I'd like to be > follow and watch systems online while reading any resource or information posts > learn about tulpas > "make" first tulpa > seemingly gains sentience and gets angry > leaves > 2016 reset > 2016 does not care about being a system > fuzzy memory bullshit here, none of it has to do with this posts topic > 2019 reset > mostly uninterested in being plural > in 2020, 2019 me decides to try make a tulpa again > goes surprisingly well, much faster than last time (which I barely remember at this time) > he eventually talks without my focused effort > I doubt his existence being real > he gets angry, we argue for weeks > eventually he disappears, vaguely sometimes feel like he's "checking in on me" > the 2021 fuckery (more trauma) > homeless and feeling alone > now have stable housing > vaguely refer to self as plural and make a pk and list out like 6 headmates including yourself as one and the past tulpas > goes well and smoothly for a while, everyone's pretty happy despite acknowledging past trauma and working on that together > 2023 reset happens > make new accounts again and feel upset about all these past events > is happy and having a lot of fun all year > occasionally still feels like the logged pk headmates are vaguely around but can't really talk to them much anymore > sometimes fully switches out anyway but not too long > remembers these resets happened before and makes posts to 2019's freinds > mixed reception and lots of questions, 2023 gets overwhelmed and never answers back > now I feel guilty

✨️ I will now explain in more detail.

So for the last 10 years, probably a little longer by like a year or two but I can't be precise, I've known about plurality, DID, tulpas and other concepts like this. I've also been aware of kins/therians/otherkin/fictionkin and so on and related concepts for much longer, 20 years or so, give or take a year or two again. I've never been very good at role-playing, and I struggled to "play" anyone but myself.

Since learning about systems, I took an interest in them. In the concept of being able to step back and let someone else take control. The idea was extremely appealing. I've been traumatized from a childhood of neglect and abuse, and life was starting to get to the point it was wearing me down to nothing. I wanted to take a break, to "die but not die" as I had put it back then. To "go away" with little financial consiquence and come back when I felt recharged. I wasn't really sure how I felt about sharing my life, but was willing to if it meant I could sometimes take a break. Gladly.

So I did a lot of research, quietly reading and observing people online. Maybe it was a little creepy, like watching a fandom from afar and learning what the show they liked was about secondhand through them. I think after I learned about how DID presents, I decided it wasn't really how I was at all and concluded for sure I was not and never could be a system since I did not talk to voices in my head, loose control of my body, nor have severe trauma (to me at the time, this is definitely not the case) and therefore I was not a system. I still watched from afar though.

I think I learned about tulpas around then. I knew I wasn't ever going to have DID due to my conclusions at the time, so I guess I could emulate a headmate until my brain thought it was real. And I still do think you can do this, don't get me wrong, I am fascinated by the human mind and how we process things and the nature of consciousness from a scientific level. I don't think its too far fetched for our brains to be able to do this, genuinely, even if I choose weird ways to describe it.

Anyway, I did try to make a tulpa a few times, maybe twice honestly, but each of them eventually got angry with me once they got to the point they could talk freely. The anger was about me doubting their existence after they were no longer being consciously forced and could do things without my input. Each time, after a little bit of arguing for weeks, they would disappear and I would be left feeling alone in scilence and upset at the fact that I ultimately caused them to leave me.

I have, in the past, "reset" myself somehow. I don't think I did it intentionally, I'm not even sure if there's a common trigger. It's happened a few times. It's happened in the past but I have no real memory of them except for vague feelings and fuzzy memories that feel like I'm seeing someone else's life. However I do remember more about the last two times than any other times.

The first of these was around 2016 I think, and that version of "me" now feels like a complete seprate being who has their own name, likes and dislikes, interests and hobbies, spiritual and political beliefs, and vision of themselves in terms of looks and self-concept. And then in 2019 that version of "me" got packed away into the back of my mind and suddenly I was someone else.

This 2019 "me" had some leftover interests, and of course had any knowledge nessicary to still life the continuous life that having a body and a presence requires, like knowledge of family and friends, jobs and schedules, and so on. It felt like taking over someone else's life, but none of their stuff is really yours. Their freinds suddenly feel like strangers, or at best acquaintances you could say "hello" to but really couldn't hold a conversation with anymore. Even interests and hobbies that carried over were either dampened feeling or the focus of that interest/hobby changed significantly enough that it wasn't really expressed in the same ways. 2019 "me" enjoyed art and drawing with a lot of the same enthusiasm that 2016 did, but with less of a focus on furry and more of a focus on anime, and in particular diving into the world of en ess eff double-yew, which 2016 was not interested in the least but 2019 was vigorously passionate about lol

The further back in versions of "me" we go, the fuzzier it gets. But the general feeling is the same. You wake up in a room with someone else's clothes, books, toys and collections and you have to fight yourself to not immediately throw them all out. You know that would just make them sad. And they do kind of pop back in, although usually only for a short time, a few hours to maybe a day or two, where you just suddenly feel like the past you is you again and everything from the name association, hobbies and beliefs come crashing back like a tidal wave, washing "current you" out of the picture for the time. And besides, they miss their friends. You think about their freinds from time to time, wanting to talk again, wanting to make the lingering sadness happy again...

Its happened again, 2023. I remember more clearly about 2019, since that was the "me" before me.

During 2019 me's "life" I went through another pretty traumatic event involving others who I trusted at the time, ended up homeless and really effed up. Obviously I made it out okay for the most part, I'm still alive and I'm here. I think 2019 me started dying around that time though.

And as it felt like 2019 me was dying, "others" started to feel like they were there. Past "me's" and the past tulpas and others as well who I never tried to intentionally create or who I remember as being a "reset." They would sometimes take over, like in that I would feel like I would suddenly be them and identified myself with their name, enjoyed their likes and hobbies, the dislikes, the views and opinions. And I wasn't actually "me" anymore, I was fully "them" in my opinion. Like a shape shifter who still feels themselves in the back of the current "you." Not really like a performance, like it was natural and correct.

At this point I want to notice we had stable housing and a stable job. Things were looking up around the time it felt like 2019 me was fading. While homeless "I" was the only one present, struggling to stay alive takes your full effort and attention and leaves very little room for thoughts pondering your potential identity. But after having a safe place to live is when we had that boom of sudden activity.

A lot of not much happens except daily life and occasional switches logged, happily accepting self as plural. Quietly too, I never ended up announcing it to anyone, and for most people we appeared as a single entity that just sometimes got into specific "moods." I was never actually interested in being loudly plural, even when I desired being plural from afar. Even back then I agreed (with myself lol) that if I ever found out I was plural we would keep it to ourselves and enjoy each other's company like an in-joke nobody else would ever be aware of but us.

But we did start to fade a bit, and after maybe just a month into 2023 everyone disappeared.

After the 2023 reset, I was left all alone, with all the knowledge of everything that happened. I felt again like a stranger in someone else's body, in their life. I knew inherently to keep up the charade and not tell anyone. I knew I couldn't just go up to 2019's friends and tell them "I'm sorry but you're a stranger to me now, like my sibling's friend's friends, and I'm really hurt by this because now i feel alone and empty." Nobody takes that the right way.

And I found a new fandom to be interested in so I could just pretend and "be someone else" and not have to address to 2019's friends why I suddenly stopped talking to them. New accounts, new personality. No name. Had several months of happy fun fandom time before the really bad feelings about abandoning my freinds and not explaining what happened at all to them started to set in.

Still, I was happy. I got to exist freely this time, maybe I could openly be plural online! But you know, the whole emptiness and they disappeared thing. It sucked, but I got little whispers here and there. Now that I think about it, I think they never really disappeared but just got super weak.

Whatever, the point here is I want them to come back but we keep having strained communication and difficulty with fuzziness any time any "non-me's" try to take over.

And I felt guilty.

So I messaged some of 2019's friends recently with mixed reception. Some of who just seemed like they were happy to hear anything at all after I disappeared completely for almost a whole year. Some who never really responded, Some of who I'm not even sure if they have seen it. Nobody really angry or anything. I didn't use any words like "plural" or "headmate" or anything. I explained it all as the past me being packed away completely, including the things they cared about, but still feeling that little sadness about it. Nobody brought up plurality either. I'm okay with that, I don't know if it's good to just suggest that out of nowhere to someone. But the lack of any question about that, especially from people who I know actually do know about systems, made me think really hard about if anything I expereinced here was even a plural thing or if it was just a mind trick I did because I was struggling with long lasting traumas. And I understand how ridiculous that sounds. I'm aware. I'm just trying to get it down in words that can be understood, it evokes that feeling of knowing you're right but fearing you're mistaken.

I'm so sorry I'm really tired and I didn't realize how long this post would take to type. I just got out of an exhausting shift at work and am so low on my battery words are starting to feel a bit strange for no reason.

So to cut the rest, the point in making this post is outside validation that I either AM or that I AM NOT making shit up because I wanted to be plural 10 years ago, or that I fucked up my brain by trying to make tulpas, or that I just discovered being a system through making tulpas I guess, or like what.

BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY I am super upset and feel really bad and guilty and responsible for not being attached to anything from 2019's life, including their freinds and I have no idea why I have these "resets" and is that just a normal "living and growing as a person" thing or is that what splitting or whatever feels like or like... is that just me being an asshole?

Am I an asshole?

I feel so empty, no name, no freinds, no real personality except the emulation of an anime character... abandoned everyone I cared about for almost a whole year... its hard and requires a lot of effort to "be" the others, or even talk to them... I'm so tired.

[anjukurada-fanfic-rec-blog]

I want to try and make this short, because I know that I'll go on and on for paragraphs, and I know that can be annoying... NOTE: I failed...

I am so grateful for the Good Omens series and its Queer, Gender, and Neurodiverse representation. I am a 32 year old Autistic, ADHD, Bisexual and Gender fluid individual who spent my entire life being mocked, bullied, degraded, threatened, abused and beaten simply for EXISTING. As a child, there was really very little Queer representation, and even fewer instances of Gender diverse representation. What little we had was used either as a gag/joke to poke fun at the community like "look how crazy and strange and flamboyant these people are! Haha, how strange!", or it was to fetishize and oversexualize the community. Or to demonize us. It wasn't until my late 20s when I started seeing legit, honest, normal representation for the queer community, and even then, still very little having to do with Gender diversity that wasn't mocking... Forget about seeing Neurodiverse characters that WEREN'T either the butt of a joke, used as some fucked up plot point to excuse their shit behaviour, or portrayed as some struggling genious because apparently THEY are the only ones worth making stories about...

Now, I could go on and on about all of the different Queer and Gender diverse things in Good Omens that really stood out to me and called out to me and made me happy, but there are THOUSANDS of posts everywhere pinpointing every single point that I would personally make, and I just don't have the energy to copy everything that they have said. The range of diversity, the lack of oversexualization and fetishization, the fact that queer relationships are seen as perfectly normal and AREN'T used as some center-of-attention plot point as if to say "Look, we have gays! Look how inclusive we are!" Even though part of the story focused on Nina and Maggie, it wasn't a focus on them having a same-sex attraction, and just a focus on them being 2 people who have feelings for each other. Gender queer people are just treated like anyone else, and there isn't a whole lot of focus put on them BEING DIFFERENT, and that is EXTREMELY amazing to me. Good Omens treats Queer people as just normal, every day people, no questions asked, and THAT'S WHAT WE WANT!

I will also note that I absolutely adore Crowley as being rather Gender Fluid and just not giving a shit, because that's what I aspire to be. I wish I had that demon's confidence!

All that being said, I want to focus a bit on something that truly helped me and made me feel valid and that has helped me accept my own quirks, and that is the Neurodiverse representation of the main characters. Before anyone comes at me, I am aware that they are not human and do not suffer from human neurological disorders, but that does not stop them from PRESENTING with certain aspects of said disorders, and that's what matters to me.

Being both Autistic and ADHD, I experience a pretty solid mix of both Aziraphale's and Crowley's quirks. These are things that I have been severely bullied for, mocked relentlessly, called horrible things for. And it has scarred me, and it has changed the way I hold myself on a daily basis. I have learned to Mask from a very young age to help protect myself from all of that, but even then, it never truly saved me. Only in the last few years have I actively been trying to accept my quirks for what they are, after YEARS of my husband telling me it was okay to Unmask, to speak the way I want, to make my "odd noises", to openly stim because he loves SEEING my emotions. It wasn't until I noticed my son (now 6) stimming and showing signs of neurodivergence that I started doing the same, because I want him to see that it is okay and normal and acceptable to do so.

Neil says here that he didn't look at Good Omens as being a theraputic tool, and I'm certain that a lot of people could tell him their stories of how his show has healed them or helped them cope with life. And I just want to add mine to the mix...

The way that Crowley and Aziraphale act is very identical to the way that I act, unmasked.

All of Crowley's vocal stims, the squeaks, grunts, whines, drawn out words, just the noises he makes instead of/before saying something is EXACTLY what I do, and it is something I have been SEVERELY bullied for. Called slow, the r-slur, stupid. I've been told that the sounds I make are annoying, "why do you keep making those sounds when you talk?", telling me I need to shut up, be quiet. The exaggerated facial expressions that he makes (that even some of the fandom makes fun of him for) are similar to what I do because I do not focus on "keeping my face straight" when talking, thinking, or working. I've been bullied for "making stupid faces" for years, and as an adult, I am always overly concious of how my face is moving when talking to others, even though I can't help it. The way he walks, the way he sits, the way he thinks and processes, and I swear to goodness he has Auditory Processing issues which I can truly relate to, lol.

All of Aziraphales small squeaks, the way he fumbles his words when he is nervous, the way he speaks with his whole body. His hand waving/hand flapping when he is excited,the way he just NEEDS TO RELEASE THAT HAPPY ENERGY. Even when he's anxious, the way he fidgets with his ring, wrings his hands, fidgets with his clothes. The way he wiggles, the way be bounces on his feet, his facial expressions. The amount of times I have been bullied, degraded, ATTACKED for these things would shock you... Good lord, the way he reacts when things do not go his way, when his plans are ruined. His very rigid Black/White, Right/Wrong thinking and near inability to see or comprehend the shades of grey. The way his desire for Justice and equality battles with his Black/White thinking and how hard it is to cope with that, especially in the beginning.

I suffered all my life because of the things that these characters do. The voices of those people, those mocking, degrading, threatening words still eat at me, and I am still afraid to unmask in most situations. But recently... Recently, I've noticed a very important change. When I catch myself vocal stimming, when I catch myself losing my train of thought due to the thousands of rampant thoughts in my head, when I catch myself being very bodily stimmy and fidgety, or just being strange, and those voices start to invade my mind, I've realized that those voices are more often being drowned out by mental clips from the show of either Zira or Crowley doing the exact same thing. My mind will give me a clip the pertains to what I've caught myself doing, as if to say "Look, he does it, too." When I catch myself making those whining, drawn out noises when trying to answer a question, I rarely get self-counscious anymore. Now, I tell myself that I am being rather Crowley-esque today, and I can smile about it. When I get embarrassed by my bodily stims when explaining something I'm very passionate about, and I feel myself start to shut down and stop, I remember how animated Aziraphale is when he is excited, and I remind myself that he does it, too, and it's acceptable for him, so it is for me as well.

And then to see the fandom accept these things, cherish these things, it makes me so happy.

So, I know that wasn't the intention, and I know that Neil didn't create this show to be theraputic, but I think that it is very important to know the impact that his work has on different people who views it. It is helping to undo a whole lifetime of pain and fear and trauma centered around the way I act, and it is allowing me to show my own Neurodivergent child that it is okay to do it as well. I don't believe he'll read this, but if he does, I just want to thank Neil (and Terry) from the bottom of my heart for creating this show and giving so many people a safe place to feel accepted and validated.

As a mental health provider working with Gender Diverse teens and adults, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the Good Omens TV series. It's more meaningful than just representation, although that alone has made such a difference. The varied ways all of the characters interface with gender presentation and identity have proven to be such a useful tool to help people talk about and explore what these things mean to them, and to find their way to a more comfortable and authentic understanding of themselves.

It's effective in a way reality isn't, because it's so openly permissive of experimentation and change. So many of my clients feel enormous pressure to "get it right" the first time when trying out new gender expressions. Whether it be a name, pronouns, clothing style, haircut, etc. so many folks are too intimidated to make any moves toward their own comfort for fear they'll "get it wrong" and be seen as somehow less valid if they decide it didn't work for them as well as they initially thought. I love how all of the eldrich beings - but especially Crowley - make changes to their presentation over time or between earth and their respective head offices. And no-one bats an eye. No one even comments on it, they just automatically accept roll with it. That is so monumental and permission-granting for my clients!

So thank you, so very much!!

…also… as a fan and a therapist I would give anything for the opportunity to do couples counseling for Aziraphale and Crowley! This isn't a request or anything, it obviously doesn't fit in-universe. I just giggle every time it crosses my mind.

Much love to you for all your work! (I also adore your novels and short stories. )

I’m so glad. I hadn’t thought of Good Omens as a therapeutic tool.

[flybcll]

“...You know what would be very nice? No Yokai.” Caio confesses, arms resting on his knees as he sits on the ground. “It would be so nice if I could go about my day without wondering if yet another creature of myth is about to ruin the rest of my day.”

          kai rests on his knees beside caio.   his hands folded neatly into his lap while relaxing their entire body.   meditation isn't for him,   but others insist upon it.   throwing himself deep into self-reflection   …   it's a bit scary.   to view himself objectively,   to think deeply about thoughts and feelings   ——   terrifying. a slow and deep breath leaves his lungs as he focuses on IT.   drawing power from his core,   weaving it across his limbs and imbuing them with its warmth.   it tingles   …   a bit like pressing your tongue against a 9-volt.   yet,   admittedly,   more nerve-racking.

          no yokai,   he resists scoffing.   people and yokai were linked;   they balance each other   &.   exists as long the other does.

          still, he   …   wants to understand caio's perspective.   normalcy   ——   the humdrum of an everyday life   ——   it's everything kai refuses to accept.   to endure such monotony,   for him,   is a baseball stadium.   it's the roar of a crowd that doesn't really know your name.   it's the smell of turf and dirt kicked up by running shoes.   it's the ping of a bat connecting with a ball before sending it flying into the stands with a single swing.   it's practicing until his hands bled to make it on the team   ——   the assuring smile of his mother that it's all worth it.   it'll be better,   better for who?   he should've asked back then.   pain twist in his stomach.   energy snaps and cracks like wood becoming kindling before he lets it go.   a bead of sweat sits on his brow and  he quickly wipes it away with the back of his hand.

          he never wanted to be normal again.

          rising to his feet to stretch,   he rolls his shoulders.   that brief stint at mediation didn't do much besides sour his mood.   feel at one with the universe?   yeah,   no way in hell.   more like getting lost in old,   shitty memories.   it takes a minute to calm himself;   he struggles to find the words,   and whether they're assuring or hurtful.   getting on caio's badside   ——   well,   that wouldn't make things easier for either of them.   treating the frostbite might take him a bit too long on his own.   he thinks   …   he thinks   …   he thinks.

          foot stomps the ground,   once,   twice   ——   hard.   features awash with a deep-set frown as words jumble themselves across his tongue.   a string of sentences becoming a gordian knot.   hacking it to pieces is more his style.   would've been so much easier,   too.

          "yeah,   okay,   you got a shitty hand!   monsters lurking around every corner   …   don't know if you'll end up sleeping in the belly of some dragon somewhere,   sucks."   his tone stresses his words.   "but   …   i'm here to make sure that doesn't happen."   he jerks his thumb towards himself,   a grin carving into his countenance.   "oni?   bakeneko?   fuck 'em.   i'll beat the shit out of them so you can rest easy.   so just   … you're on a path filled with misfortune   ——   but i'll make sure you see the end of it.   a better end." a monster slayer, what's so different about slaying fate?

@bvlvnhan