#but I hate the assumption that its easier than being allo

[crimsondestroyerofgarlicbreadth]

They Will NEVER UNDERSTAND

I had a good friend of mine tell me they ‘understand’ what being aro is like. In the same breath they told me that I can’t understand what being allo is like. And I was shaking in anger because they can’t understand. They have no idea what being aro is like. I have spent more time researching being allo for writings projects than they ever have into what being aromantic is like!

They will *never* understand the feeling of disappointment when someone tells me its in my head or an illness. They will NEVER have someone tell them to force themselves into a fucking relationship because I’m ‘just too young’ to know. They will never know the crushing feeling in your chest when you thought you could trust someone and found out you couldn’t. They will NEVER understand how it felt when my driving instructor told me that aromantic isn’t a real thing, and that he would NEVER say that about being gay or bi because those *are* real things.

They will NEVER understand the mental ramifications of coming out to someone and trying to figure out if this person is worth getting the PowerPoint out for and the dread that they may dismiss you as well. They will NEVER understand the uncomfortable feeling that follows me everywhere, to every family function, because someone may ask me about my love life; if I have a boyfriend yet. They will NEVER the crushing weight of guilt I feel every time I lie to someone because my grandparents won’t understand the concept of being aromantic but they do understand the concept of putting my studies first. It’s not that I don’t WANT to tell them.

They will NEVER understand the fear or the worry about the future that permeates my brain at every single damn opportunity because I know my friends will get partners. That isolating feeling - despite being surrounded by people - that creeps in that they will NEVER feel, thinking that I have to make the most out of every hangout session or gaming night or simple chat because once they get SO’s, this is going away. I will be alone. They won’t have time for me anymore.

THEY WILL NEVER understand how I am excluded when people around me talk about love and ONLY about love, and refuse to listen when I TRY to explain what being aromantic is. I once tried to explain to someone in my college course how their relationship was a walking red flag and got told by another person entirely that my opinion doesn’t MATTER because I’m aromantic. As a bonus, they ignore my asks for them to stop talking in detail about sex because obviously its just because I’m asexual and aromantic and NOT because some people genuinely don’t want to hear about it.

They will NEVER BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND the crushing feeling I used to feel in my chest at the THOUGHT of romance. The sick, churning feeling in my stomach and the idea that I had to have a SO and the pure relief at finding out what being aromantic was. They will NEVER understand the denial I was in for a year because our romance focused society puts SO MUCH EMPHASIS on finding a ‘the one’ that I despised the idea of being left out. When the media tells you that being single is sad, imagine knowing that you most likely WILL be alone forever.

They will NEVER understand the doubt that is constantly going through your brain because *what if that was romantic attraction*. What if you were just faking being aro this whole time? The endless hours of researching to be sure and the tight feeling in your chest in case it is.

They will NEVER UNDERSTAND the OVERWHELMING JOY I felt at finding the aro community, or seeing a character like me depicted accurately in media or meeting another aromantic person in real life. They will never understand why I nearly cried when reading Loveless, or why I screamed when I saw the Jaiden Animations video and scrambled to send it to my aro best friend. They will never understand the excitement leading up to aro week, or stumbling across a post about aromanticism on a popular person you follow’s social media. They will NEVER understand the pride I felt at reading a comment about how I helped someone realise they weren’t broken but aromantic. They will NEVER UNDERSTAND why I’m so angry about the INSINUATION that they will EVER UNDERSTAND what being aromantic is like.

So no. You do not get to tell you YOU understand. YOU who hasn’t even searched the term aromantic in google once, and the only information about being aro you have is from me. You do NOT get to tell me you understand the complexities behind being aromantic in a romance obsessed society. You do NOT get to tell me I DON’T UNDERSTAND what being alloromantic is like to turn around and tell me YOU UNDERSTAND what being aromantic is like.

I’m glad you’re considered ‘normal’ in our toxic amatonormative society. Congratulations. You’re an aphobe.