#but I gotta give up social media for a few days for a psych class so here we go

[mccbrackets]

I have had tumblr for close to two years, I have run several bracket tournaments, I have just used the queue/schedule feature for the first time

[royallyjoon]

red light magic

i don’t want to set the world on fire...

i just want to start

a flame in your heart.

as someone who’s always been on the outside looking in, the social aspect of college felt almost as daunting as the academic aspect. you meet seven certain men that revolutionize your life and its meaning. what would start out as a completely innocent friendship would develop, move crude and black, into something so sinister.

—

A medical career hadn’t been your first choice.

Ever since you were little, reading and writing were in your blood. Books were your escape from teasing classmates, and there was nothing more enjoyable to you than coming home and powering through one YA novel after another.

You loved reading so much so that it, along with summer school and class assignments, pushed you to start writing short stories yourself.

When high school came along, you were fairly well known for your love of books and your writing/poetry.

You knew all too well how much dedication and time it takes for an author to be successful. Your parents never failed to remind you, either.

Your mother pushed you to recognize the fact that a career in the medical field would not only allow you to give back to society but pay your bills as well.

You could improve your writing on the side and not have to worry about living in a cardboard box after graduation.

Ultimately, when the time came to choose a college, it was this conversation that made the decision for you.

Karu University, your home for the next four years, was known for its myriad of majors as well the diversity in its subjects.

You lived in a standard dorm room with relatively nice roommates. Your student loans weren’t too cumbersome and your mom bought you all the school supplies you’d needed.

Your first day of classes began with a Psychology course; one the rest of the people in your major wouldn’t be taking until next semester. Due to a scheduling error, you would take Psych this semester and the other class the next.

You arrived rather early, by about half an hour, and sat in the middle of the lecture hall. With one earphone in, you took out a notebook and pencil. Then you fooled around on your phone.

People slowly started filing in. The two seats on either side of you were empty, but only one held your bag.

Just as the class was about to start, a young man ran in. His eyes quickly scoured the room for a seat. You saw him turn his head towards you and moved your bag to between your legs in preparation.

On your left, another man sat next to you. He smiled, one you quickly returned before taking your headphones off and putting them in your bag. You put your phone on silent.

As you stuffed your phone in your pocket, the guy from earlier plopped down on your right. You smiled at him as well, and he grinned.

The professor started his lecture. Halfway through, there was a small tap on your shoulder. You stopped writing notes and turned to the one on your right.

“Hey, sorry to bother, but do you have a pen I could borrow?” He whispered.

“I think so...” you muttered. You dug through your bag and handed him a Sharpie pen.

“Thank you!” He smiled again and scrambled to write the class information the professor was sharing.

“First things first: Sigmund Freud was wrong about a lot of things, but contributed greatly with his psychoanalytic theory of personality.”

“Really?” The voice on your left quietly snorted. “I thought his theory on the Oedipus complex was right and true.”

You giggled and glanced at the man next to you. He smiled and shook his head.

Throughout the lecture, you wrote little notes and laughed at his comments. He seemed to know so much about Psychology already; it made you wonder why he was there.

At the end of class, the man on your left finally introduced himself.

“Hi, I’m Namjoon.” He stuck his hand out.

“Nice to meet you, I’m (Y/N).” you smiled back and shook his hand.

Those dimples are adorable.

“You’re a freshman, right?” You nodded. “Ah, cool! I’m a junior; I just took the class because I had the elective time.”

“Really? I was thinking you seemed pretty learned about Psychology; now I know why.” You said.

He blushed. “I’ve gotta go to my next class, but I look forward to talking to you more.” Namjoon picked up his bag and walked away with a wave.

Meanwhile, the one on your right tapped your shoulder. You turned to face him.

“Thank you so much for the pen! I’m Hoseok.” He grinned and handed it back to you

“Ah, it was nothing. I’m (Y/N), nice to meet you.” You stuffed it in your bag and smiled back. For some reason, his happiness felt infectious.

Maybe it was the first day jitters.

“You too! I’ve gotta run, but see you next class!” He jumped up with his bag and waved goodbye as well.

You waved and sat a while before collecting your books to go explore the campus. At the very least, you had two new friends. The thought made you smile.

-

The campus was pretty empty, although it was still early in the morning so students were probably sleeping or in class.

The walks between campus were absolutely scenic, as Karu covered so much ground for its different schools. There was a pond to study by, and you intended to sit there after getting your way of the land.

When you reached the pond, you sat underneath an old willow tree that hung over it and pulled out your book. You only started reading for about half an hour, however, before someone’s shadow stole your attention.

You looked up to notice a tall, pale man in front of you. He looked much too old to be a freshman, older then Namjoon even. You guessed he was a senior.

“Listen, I’m pretty sure you’re new here so I’ll just tell you. Tradition states that the willow is a senior hangout only, and I’d really like to sit down. I’ve had a long morning.” The voice quietly lectured you.

“I don’t have a class for the next forty-five minutes...can we compromise?” You scooted so that your back was to the sunny part of the tree.

He looked at you for some time, but eventually, his exhaustion prompted him to sit.

“Wake me when you leave.” was all he said before he lay his head on his bag and knocked out.

You continued to read and slowly got accustomed to the sound of his breathing and the water in the pond moving.

With fifteen minutes left to go, you started packing your things. You didn’t want to be late for your class.

You stood, patted at your pants and legs, and shook the senior awake.

“My class starts soon, so I’m going to go now. I hope you have a good day.” You smiled at him as he quietly grumbled before taking off.

-

Your official classes finished for the week, and any breaks you had were spent traveling the campus in search of relaxing studying/reading spots. However, you could not head back to your dorm yet.

Every year at the end of the first week of school, Karu held several activities over the weekend for incoming freshman to get to know each other.

Forming unbreakable bonds, getting into relationships--because these are the plusses to college, were they not?

You headed towards the Roleste Center, where the majority of activities would be held.

The sophomores, who spent the past year planning these events, stood excitedly at the doors. They welcomed students by handing them a name tag and a little necklace with a plastic square to slip it into.

You hefted your bag over your shoulder and took a Sharpie, necklace, and name tag with a smile. Once prepared, you headed into the room.

Your heart was pounding. You hated and loved these events with a passion; it was difficult for you to start talking to people but once you did, you opened up a lot more.

Let’s make some friends, you thought and delved into the crowd.

-

The rest of your day was spent awkwardly trying to get to know people. You chatted with a few, but the second the leaders gave you all free time, they ditched you for others they’d met earlier. You were at a loss with who to hang out with.

Groups formed quickly as students left the building in waves. You didn’t want to walk outside, clinging to friend groups hoping they’d call out to you so that you could join the conversation.

They never did.

And it was too bold for you to just walk up and join the conversation as if you’d been there all along, wasn’t it?

You pulled out your headphones, plugged in, and sighed.

I came here to make friends; yeah right.

You felt a presence near you and looked up. A boy now stood in front of you, his hand outstretched.

“Hi! I’m Jungkook.”

You smiled and shook his hand. “I’m (Y/N), it’s nice to meet you.”

“You too.” His grin reminded you of a bunny. “So, what are you majoring in?”

“Nursing.” You replied. “What about you?”

“Nice...I’m majoring in arts in game design.”

“Wow! You must be really talented!” You gushed.

You chatted with Jungkook for the rest of the break, and the rest of the evening. He switched seats to sit next to you, and your heart warmed in excitement. Finally, you’d found a friend in your year.

When the activities were over and the sophomores bid everyone goodnight, you stood up to go but hesitated when Jungkook didn’t.

“Hey, are you coming?” You asked softly.

“Ah, no. I”m staying behind to help the sophomores clean up. I know a couple of them and we live together, so it’s easier.” Jungkook replied.

“Oh...well, do they need any more help?” You asked. You didn’t want the night to end so soon...

Jungkook smiled. “Sure! I’ll ask just in case, but I know they’d appreciate the help.” He jumped up and ran to the back.

You sat down and watched as the other freshman left boisterously for their dorms, planning meetups and exchanging social media.

You felt a bit disappointed that you’d only made one friend, and here you were clinging to him like a newborn.

Jungkook came racing back. “They said you can help; come on, let’s get started.”

You put your bag on the floor next to him and started folding chairs and tearing down decorations. The sophomores goofed around as they cleaned and you gazed upon their closeness, wondering if you would ever belong to a group like that.

You all finished cleaning about an hour before curfew. You knew your dorm was closing at midnight, so as much as you didn’t want to say goodbye to Jungkook, you had to put an end to this night.

After collecting your bag, you walked over to the raven, who was speaking to two sophomores. The taller male had bright red hair and grinned a boxy grin when Jungkook said something to the smaller male. His pink hair somehow fit his personality.

Their conversation slowed as you approached, and you took the opportunity to cut in in fear of interrupting them.

“Hey, Jungkook!”

He turned and smiled. “(Y/N), there you are! I wanted to introduce you to these two; they helped plan the whole event.”

“Hello, I’m Taehyung! This is my best friend Jimin.” The redhead gestured to the pinkette.

“Ah, hello! Thank you for working so hard to plan the event, the games were really fun.” You said.

“Thank you for saying that (Y/N), that’s so sweet.” Jimin smiled and all you wanted to do was pinch his cheeks, but you held back.

“So, what did you want to tell me?” Jungkook asked.

“Oh, I wanted to say it was really nice meeting you today. I was so worried I wouldn’t have anyone to talk to, but you swooped in and I had a great time talking. I hope we stay good friends in the future. But I’ve got to back to my dorm before the close the doors. I really hope to see you around campus more.”

Jungkook’s face brightened at your words but fell when he heard you were leaving. “You have to go? Here, why don’t we exchange numbers so we can keep in touch?”

“Sure!” You handed your phone to him and took his in turn, putting your name with a couple silly emojis.

Once the exchange was over, you promised to stay in touch and bid your goodbyes to Jimin, Jungkook, and Taehyung. However nice it was to meet them, you had a long day and all you wanted to do was shower and go to sleep.

-

Taehyung opened the apartment door with a shout. “Kookie met a girl!”

“He what?” The sophomore was rewarded with a shout from the kitchen.

Jungkook shoved his way in and slapped Taehyunh on the shoulder. “Hyung, it’s not that serious!”

Jimin strolled in and closed the door behind them. “I mean, she was beautiful. And our Jungkookie already got her number.”

“Oh-ho!” A loud shout from upstairs. “I knew we were raising him right!”

“I raised him if anything; the lot of you sat back and watched me.” The man entered the living room, apron on and spoon in hand. “What’s her name?”

“(Y/N).” Jungkook blushed a little thinking about their evening.

“He’s got it bad.” tsked the college graduate.

“Jin hyung, I’m hungry,” whined Jimin.

“Then get your lazy brothers to come downstairs so we can eat.” He said as he walked back into the kitchen.

The youngest ones raced upstairs and ran to the respective rooms. Jungkook pulled Namjoon from his room, Taehyung got Hoseok from his studio, and Jimin dragged Yoongi out of bed.

Once the seven were seated and eating, Jin asked them what they thought about starting the new semester.

“I think it will go well.” Namjoon mused. “I met this nice girl in my Psychology lecture--she actually laughed along with my jokes.”

“And she lent me a pen!” Hoseok said. “She’s super nice. I don’t think she would have even asked for it back.”

“I met a girl under the willow tree,” Yoongi muttered. “She’s the only other person I know that isn’t afraid to sit under the tree. I told her it’s a senior privilege to sit there, but we just ended up sharing the space.”

Jin shook his head. “I’m amazed you all actually found someone to talk to for once. What did she look like?”

“She had (s/c) skin and (e/c) eyes; she was wearing a yellow hoodie and jeans,” Namjoon said.

“That’s what the girl I met was wearing,” Yoongi said, pausing his meal.

“That’s what (Y/N) was wearing,” Jungkook added.

The dinner table remained silent for several minutes.

“What a coincidence?” Jin tried.

“I don’t think so,” Jimin said. “Must be fate. It’s too weird.”

“We’ll see what happens in the future.” Hoseok shrugged. “You never know, we may never see her outside of classes again.”

Little did they know, the universe was up to something grand.

[tequilajones]

I need to vent

I'm having one of my depressive episodes and my dad said that I may have to take a year off school to get help (I'm working on a bachelor's degree and he's the only way I can afford college). It sounds like I might have to go to a psych ward, probably sometime in the summer or next year. I've been geeting therapy these past few months and I don't feel any changes in my mental health. I really don't want to go to a psych ward because the idea of someone constantly watching over me sounds like my worst nightmare. I can't waive over my wellbeing to anyone but I feel I might have to. I don't want to give up internet (I have a long distance relationship and lots of internet friends) and personal freedom.

The problem is that I suffer from general anxiety disorder and depression. Today I could barely move and just felt like shit. Snapping at my dad when he invited me over for dinner and then having to explain to him why I snapped made things worse.

He has no idea how this shit works. He got angry when I told him how I was feeling and how I could barely get out of bed. He thinks it's because I ate a cheeseburger for lunch and slept from 2am to 12:30pm and that I need to go on a diet/excercise as well as sleep from 11pm-7am instead in order to "cure" my depression. I may not know what triggered my depression today but I know for a fact my diet and sleep schedule had nothing to do it.

I was diagnosed in High School and when I moved upstate for school, I had a prescription for 50 mg of Zoloft. To be honest, I only felt a bit better on meds, not a whole lot.

When I transferred schools, I had to get a new doctor and I've seen him for 2 weeks now so I am still in the evaluation process.

I only see my therapist on Fridays so I have to wait to discuss with her what I should do. My dad wants significant change ASAP or I won't be going to college next semester. I guess I could try pretending that I'm all better now and hope I can fake it long enough to get a degree by time I'm 25. That's important for me. All I want is to be completely independant. Nothing else matters as much. In order for that I want to get my degree and work full time in the film industry ASAP. Ideally as a film producer, but as long as I can afford to move from NY to LA and live there without sacrificing too much, I'd be happy.

I am considering admitting myself though despite the fear. At least I wouldn't have to worry too much about classes and such but I'm scared college would look like a walk in the park compared to a psych ward.

For starters, I like my privacy. I am a trans man who's introverted. I NEED my own space. I live in a single dorm because of this. I could handle living with people if I had my own room. I've had roommates and even though they were good people, it felt like a breath of fresh air when they would leave for the weekend or have a late class. The idea of being monitored 24/7 makes me think of 1984 and it's a dystopian novel for a reason.

2, I need to access the internet and my phone. I'm not addicted, I just don't want to cut off contact with people in my life who I care deeply about but are miles away. My boyfriend lives in New Mexico and I live in New York. We can only see each other through social media and video calls. I doubt the psych ward would let me keep my phone or my laptop for this.

3, my only points of reference are One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest (movie, idk what year), American Horror Story Asylum and various stories shared online (even the positive ones make my stomach drop).

4, I have a slight phobia of hospitals. My mom died of breast cancer in one and I want to avoid hospitals more than the average person.

5, I have been raised by a control freak father. It's been hell. I hate being told what to do. The idea of someone having complete control over me is my actual worst nightmare. The only thing keeping me sane now is when I CAN break and bend the rules. I want freedom more than anything else. Freedom from my controlling father, freedom from my mental illnesses and freedom from being a broke college kid.

6, I'm transgender. This is a whole other can of worms. Lot of people consider that a mental illness. I don't wanna be locked up because I'm a dude in a chick's body. Also I hate being forced to room with girls. I'm a feminist and I have lots of girl friends but it's kinda frustratint when I, a guy, has to share a room with a girl because we share the same type of genitalia. It's basically the estanlishment misgendering me and I hate it. So unless my roommate is also a trans guy, it could be awkward.

7, even if I voluntarily admit myself, I can't easily walk out. If the place turns out to be a hellhole, I might not be able to say "y'know what, fuck this, I'm outta here". Legally they could keep me there til the day I die, against my will. I'm gonna need a shit ton of trust if I choose to go through with this.

Those are the reasons why I DON'T WANT to go to a psych ward. But here are the reasons why I might HAVE TO.

1, I'm always stressed out. The only thing that helps is having hyperfixations on shit like kpop and/or video games (mainly assassin's creed).

2, I might have a mania problem. I've always been impulsive but this year, I've been going to 1 concert per month and as great as I feel about going to these concerts and having fun. In retrospect, I'm starting to think going to concerts every month to give me something to look forward to might not actually be healthy, not to mention expensive, especially when I make $11/hr at a job that's lately been giving me 4 hours per week shifts. Sure, my dad pays for most of my necessary expenses but I need to learn how to be frugal. And this isn't helping my already bad impulse-spending habit.

3, when I am having a depressed episode, I can barely get out of bed and it has caused problems for me that I want to prevent in the future. I already flunked out of one school because I was too depressed to go to classes, I can't afford to do the same here or when I start working full time. I gotta get this shit under control asap.

4, while I'm not suicidal (not as appealing when you believe in reincarnation), wanting to completely disappear from existence is still pretty shitty.

5, when it comes to mental health, I have no idea what the everloving fuck I'm doing. I want to get better and I AM going to therapy but it doesn't feel like it's enough. I need help. As much as I hate to admit it, I need help. I really do. I just don't know what else I can do to get better.

I know I made this to get it off my chest and help me rationalize all the thoughts going on in my head. But if you have any other ideas or advice/recommendations, please pm them to me. I'm actually scared.

[sweetnestor]

You Look Happier | Chapter 9

university au, teamiplier + jack

platonic/romance/angst/(smut at one point but it’ll only be on ao3)

previous chapter

“Run that by me again?”  I asked, shocked.

Mark was a little taken aback at my outburst. “I want you to be involved in this project. You’ll get to work with all of us. You’ve been… an inspiration to me. I understand it sounds a little-”

“Invasive,” I finished, folding my arms. “You’re basing your alter ego, one that your fans worship, off of my personal struggles, and-”

“That’s why I’m giving you control over that particular thing. You can’t expect me to call off this project, there’s already so much that’s gone into it!” Mark argued. “And you’re the one who inspired a majority of what this ego is! Don’t you remember you telling me your ideas a couple years ago?”

“I was drunk and destructive!” I shot back. I paced his living room, fuming. “That was me venting, that wasn’t for your creative process! God, I should have known! This was why you started talking to me again, right? You just wanted something from me!”

“Now hold on-”

“You were just manipulating me! And I fell for it, como una pinche pendeja! No lo puedo creer!”

“Listen to me!” Mark snapped, his voice booming. Then he brought it down a notch. “If you don’t want to be involved in this project, then fine. It’s going to happen with or without you. But I have never tried to manipulate you into anything! I promise you, I would never do something like that.”

I didn’t say anything to that. My defensiveness only rose higher. He had to be lying. He brought me back into his life just as he started working on this project that included the alter ego that was the representation of my dark and intrusive thoughts. That had to be the only reason why he contacted me.

“Alright, you know what?” Mark spitefully said. “Wait until the videos come out. You’ll see what manipulation is. You’ll see the difference between me and whatever you’re feeling right now.”

Rolling my eyes, I grabbed my purse and left his house. I couldn’t believe how stupid I was to fall for any of this. He just needed me for something, and then he would leave again. He didn’t want to be friends again. Why would he want to be friends with me?

I came home to an empty apartment. I didn’t have any classes to keep me busy today, and the only two people I talked to had their own things to worry about. I was alone again.

But then I thought about Ethan. He was apart of Mark’s big project. Was he apart of the “Manipulating Bella” plan? Did Mark tell Ethan to pretend to date me to let my guard down, just so Mark could sneak in and take more away from me? Was that all I was to them?

My phone was pulled out of my pocket, and I was typing a frantic message to Ethan as I paced around the living room. “I know what you’re doing and I’m not stupid enough to fall for it! Mark already told me what was going on and what he wanted from me! Never talk to me-”

Suddenly, I stopped typing. Was I going to dump him so abruptly? Over a text?

That’s what he deserves, said the bad voice in my head.

Does he, though? Did this really make any sense?

Quickly, I backspaced and wrote out a different message. “Do you actually like me?” Too desperate, try again. “What do you think of me?” That’s better. I hesitated for a moment before sending it.

The time it took for him to reply went agonizingly slow. I continued pacing and rubbing my hands together, and then nearly screamed when someone knocked on the door. I had a fleeting moment of sheer panic, but then the lightbulb going off in my head made me relax again. But then I wanted to smack myself in the forehead. Ethan was supposed to come over today. That meant we were going to have quite the conversation.

“Did you get my text?” was the first thing I said to him. My mind was starting to spiral, and I had to come back to earth before I impulsively dumped him.

“Um, yeah. I’m glad I came over, actually,” he replied, entering the vicinity. “Is everything okay?”

There were so many things I was feeling, I couldn't put any of them into a coherent sentence. I couldn't lie and say I was fine, either. Ethan had already seen my text, and I couldn't keep the worried look off my face. I walked towards the living room with him following after me.

“So what do you think of me?” I asked, but then I had to explain. “I know I probably sound insane and I'm sorry, but I'm… I feel like…” I paused, not know which emotion to express. “I feel like I'm freaking out over nothing?”

He looked worried, but also confused. “Um… did something happen?”

This wasn't helping. “Do you still like me?”

“Yeah, of course,” he said without hesitating.

“Why?”

He shrugged lightly, like this was no big deal to him. “‘Cause… you get me. And you're funny and talented and… you're patient with me. I don't know, it's not coming out the way it is in my head. There's a lot of reasons.”

I nodded. I knew he had trouble getting his words together. I knew that feeling all too well. “Can you… tell me I'm being paranoid?”

“You're being paranoid,” he said like it was a question. “Bella, what happened?”

Now I was hesitating. A huge ball of emotion and tears were stuck in my throat. I needed someone to tell me that I was being stupid, that the anxiety was playing with me again, because I couldn’t trust myself to calm down alone. Ethan was here, and he wasn’t scared off yet.

I sighed, and then I explained what went down with Mark earlier in the day. Somehow, I didn’t cry, but my speech was shaky and frantic. “...a-and you work for him, and I had a moment of…”

“You think I would manipulate you?” he finished in disbelief. “I’d never do that, I promise.”

“Promise is a big word that adds pressure,” I said.

“Well… I would never do anything to hurt you. You gotta trust me.”

Trust? Don’t know her. Don’t like her… but I have to play nice with her. No more shutting people out. I talked about this so I could feel better and come to some sort of solution.

I nodded lightly. “I’m trying.”

“Okay. Trying counts as progress.” He paused. “I… I know things like this aren’t easy for you… but I’m glad you were able to tell me.”

What is it about Ethan that makes these things less difficult? A year ago, I could barely tell Mark what I wanted for dinner, much less be intimate with him. Maybe things were better off this way.

~

A few days later, it was Jack’s birthday. I had gotten him a bundle of Overwatch merch (like he needed more) and then… we went to Mark’s house for a little celebration. The only reason why I went was because it’s my best friend, and I reminded myself of the time he ditched his other friends at Thanksgiving because of me. Also, Ethan was there. So were Tyler, Kathryn, and Amy. To them, I was only there because of Jack, but it wasn’t as awkward as I had anticipated.

“Did you have a good birthday?” I asked once we were back in the car.

“Yeah,” Jack replied, still high from the euphoria and the drinks he had. “It was fun. Were you okay? I noticed you didn’t drink at all.”

“I had to drive,” I said. “And I did this for you. Plus, I didn’t have a panic attack, so that’s cool.”

“It was a great day!” Jack cheered, throwing his arms up. “Let’s get ice cream!”

I giggled. “Whatever the birthday boy wants.”

“In that case, let’s also get a yacht and twelve puppies!”

After going to a Sonic drive-thru, I took us home. It was late in the evening, and I was mildly exhausted from all the interaction. But Jack was still a bundle of energy, like always. When we sat on the couch, I took out my phone and posted an old selfie of us on Instagram with a heartfelt happy birthday caption. I hadn't checked my social media all day, but I could guess that I was probably getting yelled at for not publicly wishing my friend a happy birthday.

“So how was it pretending not to be Ethan's girlfriend?” asked that particular friend.

“Easy, because you were there,” I replied, still scrolling on my phone.

“Why didn't you guys tell everyone? It seemed like the perfect time,” Jack mused. “They were all there.”

I chuckled. “I'm not stealing your thunder on your birthday.”

“I wouldn't have minded! Now you guys have to pretend to not be dating when we're all together for a weekend,” he said.

That was true. Another thing that happened at the party was Mark, Tyler, and Ethan's idea for all of us to take a trip to the Grand Canyon at the end of the month. Don't get me wrong, I was still salty at Mark about the Darkiplier thing. If it wasn't for Ethan and Jack, then I would have turned down the trip. A weekend with the friends Mark abandoned me for? It sounded like a nightmare. But I was trying to be a bigger, stronger person.

“Hmm, do you think Mark would be mad if I told him about me and Ethan?” I wondered, leaning back so I was slouching.

Jack thought about it. “Well, he was mad when he found out you and I were friends, and we didn’t even try to hide that.”

I chewed my lip nervously. “Oh man. And you guys aren’t as close anymore because of that?”

“I wouldn’t say that. He threw a party for me, and we had a good time. Sometimes friends grow distant for a little bit. And besides… he hurt you pretty bad. But time goes on.”

After all this time, I still didn’t understand how Jack picked me over Mark, but I didn’t feel like getting into that. My mind was too clogged up for any more overthinking. I was already less sad about life and being alive, I didn’t want to soil it with my own intrusive thoughts.

We continued on with the week, already accustomed to our YTU schedules. Awake and out of the house by seven. Drop off Jack. Go back home and sleep. Breakfast is optional. Seeing the boyfriend is also optional. Classes from twelve to four. Dinner by six. Spend the rest of the day with either the bestie or the boyfriend.

One day, though, I got out of my psych lecture when Ethan had some downtime. We met up on the courtyard and walked around the area, keeping a decent distance apart. There were lurkers and gossip channels all over. Not that anyone paid any attention to us, I was just mildly paranoid. Plus, on some gossip channels, I was still painted as ‘Markiplier’s Crazy Ex-Girlfriend,’ so that’s fun.

“Have you made any new friends?” I asked as we strolled by the fountain.

“Yeah, I talk to some people in my classes,” he replied. “Well, in one class. I have Mark and Amy in video production and bio.”

“Cool,” I said, even though I was surprised to hear about those two. Didn’t know Mark decided to come back, and to bring his non-YouTuber girlfriend with him. “My biology class requires group work, and I’m trying really hard not to drop the course.”

“Aw, no. Do you talk to anyone at all?”

I shook my head. “I could literally be failing the class and I won’t ask for help or anything.”

“Whoa… wait. So, being in a room full of people is really stressful for you, right?”

“Yeah.”

“So then… why did you enroll here in the first place?”

There was a huge story behind that, but I stuck with the short answer. “My followers.”

I stopped in my tracks when my phone rang. My stomach sank when I discovered a new Twitter DM from someone named ‘Peebles.’ Oh crap, today’s the day.

“So, um,” I said to Ethan, unable to tear my eyes away from the screen, “did I tell you that Amy wanted to meet up with me?”

“Really?” he asked, surprised. “Now?”

I nodded, reading over the message. “She wants to meet at The Tube in about an hour.”

“Are you nervous?”

“Always.”

“Hey,” Ethan said, putting his hand on my shoulder, “it’ll be okay. I know Amy, she’s really cool once you get to know her. And she’s really nice, and she’s probably just as nervous as you are.”

I took a deep breath. “Okay. Okay… it’s fine. This is fine.”

“Do you need a distraction or something?”

“Yes please.”

“Wanna drop me off at the office?”

It was a good idea. Driving took my mind off of things. Although, it was a fairly short ride from campus to the office, and Ethan had to get out of the car quickly just in case the blonde alien lady left the building. Although, he did quickly duck back in to kiss me goodbye, and then he went on his way to the office.

Getting to The Tube was a bit more stressful, because I didn’t have anyone to talk me down from the oncoming anxiety attack. I was in the parking lot, trying not to hyperventilate. I should have suggested another place to meet up, given that this particular diner didn’t have a nice place in my history. But I was here now, and I couldn’t back out. It would only make things worse.

We met up and sat at a booth. Thankfully, it wasn’t so busy at this hour. Nerves were still pretty high, though. She ordered a coffee, and I stuck with water.

“Sorry I took a while to contact you,” she began. “So much has been going on, there’s this project we’re all working on. It’s taking up a lot of time.”

“Yeah, I heard,” I told her. “Mark was telling me some stuff about it.” And I turned into a mega-bitch, which I was sure he told Amy about.

She nodded. “Yeah… um, how often do you talk to him?”

The reason why we were here: Mark. I shoved my hands under my thighs to keep them from shaking, but then my whole body began to tremble. I made myself rigid to keep myself still. The last thing I need is for my physiological symptoms to show and freak her out.

“Usually, once a week,” I replied. “But he’s been busy, so…”

“And you guys talk about… the past?”

I shrugged. “Yeah. Mistakes we made, moving on. I kind of assumed that he had told you.”

“Yeah, he tells me some things. I know it’s between you guys, so I try not to butt in. I know he’s doing this so he and I can have a better relationship.” She paused. “And he wants to be friends with you.”

“That’s because we were friends before we dated,” I said.

“I know. He would talk about you… like, when we first met.”

Blood began pounding in my ears. If I had eaten anything at all today, I would have thrown it back up. I couldn’t even drink my water.

“He never told me about you,” I softly admitted. “I never knew you existed until he broke up with me.”

Amy’s face fell a little. She leaned back in her seat and stayed quiet.

“I-I mean,” I went on, trying to fill the silence, “it was… it was random, I guess. He very recently told me how long he had known you and I… I suppose it made sense, given how the last couple of months of our relationship were. I don’t know, I just wish I had known about you sooner. Maybe things would have been different. I mean, it still would have hurt, but maybe I wouldn’t have tried to kill myself, I don’t know-”

“Whoa, wait,” Amy suddenly said, sounding concerned and shocked. “What do you mean you tried to kill yourself?”

My eyes widened. For a second, I stayed frozen in my position, my mouth agape. “He never told you?”

“No? Oh my god…” Amy trailed off. “I’m… was it because of him, or us?”

Here we go. Time to hold her hand and not make her feel like a total asshole.

“No,” I replied, but then again I couldn’t lie. “Not necessarily. I’ve had my fair share of bad shit happen, along with my disorders... and for a while, Mark was giving me hope and strength. Then he was gone. But I’m not blaming my shitty mental health on him or your relationship with him. I think…” I sighed as I came to a conclusion that I had to admit. “I think I had it coming with or without the breakup.”

Amy sat there, still looking very distressed and caught off guard. “I-I’m so sorry. I had no idea that happened.”

“Really?” I asked, now confused. “I mean, well, I told him not to tell anyone when it happened, but I assumed that you would have been the exception. Where did you think he was when he disappeared for a couple of weeks?”

“I was still living in Boston. All he told me was that he broke up with you, so I gave him some space until I moved here. I can’t believe he never told me.”

I hesitated. “That’s on me. I asked him to keep it to himself. I realize now that that wasn’t the best idea.”

“Well, I imagine you were in a really dark place,” Amy said solemnly. “It’s not an easy thing to talk about.”

I nodded. “Pretty much.”

The air was awkward all over again. If I had known that Amy never knew about my attempt, I would have kept my mouth shut. Now she knew things about me, personal things. I couldn’t help but feel exposed. It was worse knowing that I had exposed myself in front of the girl that Mark had left me for. It probably wasn’t surprising to her that Mark had decided to dump me.

“So, the Grand Canyon,” Amy said, changing the subject. “You’re really up for that?”

I nodded, despite that her change in tone only added to the nerves. Was it really a good idea for me to go? To all of ‘Teamiplier,’ I was the ex-girlfriend. I was sure to make everything uncomfortable. My presence in general was uncomfortable. Why did I agree to go on this trip?

“Okay, well I hope it’s fun for the both of us.” She smiled.

“Me too.” It’ll only be fun if I could be slightly intoxicated once we got to the park, but lord knows that won’t happen.

~

“Don’t freak out, and don’t get mad okay?” read the text from Ethan.

Honestly, I had taken one step back into my apartment, ready to recover from the day I had. But no, I had to worry and stress even more, just because of the way my boyfriend had worded his text.

“What’s going on?” I replied as I took deep breaths. He wouldn’t break up with me over a text, would he? He wouldn’t tell me anything really serious over a text, right?

Before I could pace in a frantic manner, I got another text.

“Kathryn knows about us. But she won’t tell anyone!”

My eyes widened. I didn’t know how to form a coherent sentence, so I just smashed my keyboard and sent the jumble of letters to him. Then, before I could panic, I sent, “How???”

“Can I tell you over dinner?”

“I have to know NOW otherwise I’ll lose my mind over it until I see you.”

My stomach sank further. Any normal person wouldn’t get so twitchy and irrational over something like this. I was aware of this, yet I was still playing terrible scenarios in my head of Mark finding out and then firing Ethan. Or worse, Mark making Ethan choose between his relationship and his career. Oh god, would I be able to handle that?

Ding!

“I had on lip gloss… from when you kissed me in the car… She kept asking about it, so I told her about us and I made her not tell anyone!”

Well shit. This was my fault. I was going to be the reason why we were exposed before we were ready.

“FUCK,” I typed. “Are you sure she won’t say anything? Did she say anything else?”

“I promise she won’t tell. She’s my friend, I swear she’s cool. Look, can I come over? Idk if this is making you anxious, I wanna make sure you’re okay.”

I sighed, now feeling guilty. I was losing my mind over this whether I liked it or not.

“I’m sorry I’m such a mess over this ugh,” I sent.

“It’s okay, you’re my mess ❤”

_______

next chapter

[erraticfairy]

Podcast: Simple Psychology Explanations with Dr. Ali Mattu

Do you enjoy watching YouTube videos on psychology and mental health topics?  But are you tired of wading through all the mindless fluff, meaningless new-age jargon, and overly pedantic lectures?  There is a better option out there – The Psych Show, created by Dr. Ali Mattu.  

It might seem frivolous, but YouTube videos aren’t going anywhere. They have become one of the most common ways we access information, and this is especially true for young people. Join us as Dr. Mattu tells us how a PhD psychologist became one of the first YouTubers, how he decides what type of content to feature each week, and what role on-line videos play in the future of psychology education.

SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

Guest information for ‘Dr. Ali Mattu Psychology’ Podcast Episode

Dr. Ali Mattu creates entertaining, empowering and educational mental health media. He’s a cognitive behavioral therapist who helps kids and adults with anxiety disorders. Through YouTube, Dr. Mattu teaches a global audience on how to use psychological science to achieve their goals.

Dr. Mattu is a licensed clinical psychologist and assistant professor at the Columbia University Irving Medical Center in New York City.

Computer Generated Transcript for ‘Dr. Ali Mattu Psychology’ Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: Welcome to the Psych Central Podcast, where each episode features guest experts discussing psychology and mental health in everyday plain language. Here’s your host, Gabe Howard.

Gabe Howard: Hello, everyone, and welcome to this week’s episode of the Psych Central Podcast. Calling into the show today, we have Dr. Ali Mattu from the very popular YouTube channel, The Psych Show. Ali, welcome to the show.

Dr. Ali Mattu: Gabe, I’m so excited to be here. Thank you for having me.

Gabe Howard: I am very excited to have you because we have the same mission and that’s genuinely rare. Believe it or not, because…

Dr. Ali Mattu: Yeah. Oh, I believe it.

Gabe Howard: And when I say we have the same mission, we both really, really value correct and accurate information. We want people to have the facts when it comes to mental illness, mental health and psychology.

Dr. Ali Mattu: Absolutely.

Gabe Howard: But we know that it’s dry info.

Dr. Ali Mattu: Yeah, it can be.

Gabe Howard: It can be, and what I really like about your YouTube channel is that you’ve taken concepts like… What is schizophrenia? What is psychosis? What’s the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist? These are things that people are thinking about and you’ve put them into these little snippets with graphics and your shining face. And you answer all of these questions in a way that I really think that the general public responds to.

Dr. Ali Mattu: Mm hmm, mm hmm. I agree, that’s the case, yeah.

Gabe Howard: So let’s start at the very, very beginning. First, you’re a psychologist, correct?

Dr. Ali Mattu: That’s right. Yep, yep.

Gabe Howard: It is unusual for a learned man. You know, somebody with a PhD, I mean, you’re a doctor. You have a doctorate and you’re also a professor. So YouTube is not your day job.

Dr. Ali Mattu: No, it’s not. It’s not.

Gabe Howard: But you’re on YouTube and you’re explaining this to people. And that is incredibly rare. YouTube has a lot of people like Gabe Howard, a lot of people living with mental illness, talking about living with mental illness. People like me are well represented, but there’s not a lot of people like you. So what gave you the idea to do this?

Dr. Ali Mattu: It goes back… So the long version of the story is I’ve been toying with this kind of stuff for a very long time. If you want to go way back, I was a very socially anxious kid. I’ve lived with anxiety. I was probably selectively mute as a kid in certain situations. I didn’t speak, and I accidentally enrolled in public speaking in high school. And that class changed my life because it took me from a kid who believed that I was weird, I was strange, and no one else was like me, and it helped me to understand that these fears I have fitting in, everyone else has those too, to some degree. And so I took public speaking. I did speech and debate in high school, and I continued that in college, and I had an amazing introductory psychology class in community college. I was actually not a good student in high school, didn’t do that well and went to community college, which kind of opened up the whole world for me. And so I really loved that class. And one of the things that really motivated me about going on to getting a PhD is I wanted to teach other people as well. I wanted to do for others what Professor Goesling did for me at De Anza College. And so I did teach a lot in grad school. I taught a lot of introductory psychology. And then as I moved forward and started to do more clinical work, more being involved in the role I am now, I was moving farther and farther away from that original goal of teaching a wide variety of people and introducing them to psychology. So that’s one thing that happened. The other thing that happens that sets up this story: So it was late 2014, and I was working with a teenage patient of mine. She, in one of our sessions said, “Hey, I saw this YouTube video. It really helped me, really motivated me. I want to share it with you.” I said awesome. Amazing. Oh, my gosh. Let’s watch it together. I want to understand what it was about this that helped you. It is only three minutes long. We watched it, and it was another teenage girl talking to the camera and talking about her experience and what helped her with this issue and mental health. And I’m watching it, and I’m thinking, oh, my gosh, this is really not good advice. It’s like completely goes against the kind of stuff we’re working on. And I shared some version of that with her, with my patient. And I said, you know what? Give me a day. Let me find some quality content that’s speaking to the same issue, and I’ll email it to you. Now, I was looking that night. I could not find anything that really fit that criteria of something that was quality information and also something that she would sit down and watch. Now, I found a lot of one-hour, two-hour long videos by other psychologists that were these long lectures about that topic, but nothing that was really digestible, interesting, and relatable. So, I was venting about this to my wife. I’m like, what the heck should I do? And she said, well, you know, what you gotta do is you’ve got to make that video. And that is kind of how my channel was born.

Gabe Howard: I love this story, because it’s so close to how I ended up as a podcaster.

Dr. Ali Mattu: Really?

Gabe Howard: I mean, almost identically. I have this joke where I said, if you’re diagnosed with mental illness, you’re prescribed a blog. And because when I got started, everybody had a blog.

Dr. Ali Mattu: Yeah. Yeah.

Gabe Howard: But, you know, podcasts are harder.

Dr. Ali Mattu: Yeah, totally.

Gabe Howard: YouTube channels are harder. And having a quality podcast and YouTube channel is even more difficult. And I remarked this to Dr. John Grohol, the editor in chief of Psych Central. And he was like, you know, hey, let’s work together and start a podcast. The thing that we were so worried about was, like you said, that marriage of accurate information and is anybody going to listen to this?

Dr. Ali Mattu: Yeah. Yeah.

Gabe Howard: And this is really, really important, because when you were telling the story, the first thing I thought is… I completely understand why that that young woman who’s telling the story of living with mental illness is going to attract people because, man, that’s so brave. But I knew that you were going to say she had all the information wrong because how could she get it, right?

Dr. Ali Mattu: Yeah, yeah, totally, totally. And there’s a lot of value there to people telling their stories. And at the same time, there’s a lot of difficulty getting access to quality information about mental health, about psychological science, about all these different types of things. And there I put a lot of blame on the field of psychology. It really bothers me how hard it is to access this kind of information. So for most people in the public, you’re going to get exposure to psychology maybe through an AP psychology course if it’s in your high school. But then again, a lot of high schools don’t have access to that. My high school didn’t.

Gabe Howard: Yeah, neither did mine.

Dr. Ali Mattu: Yeah, right. I don’t know that many people who had that in their high school and then the other thing is, OK, maybe in college you take an introductory psychology class, but a lot of people don’t. And that’s only if you go to college. So there’s very few pathways to formally learn about this while you compare that to something like biology, where people are making papier mâché cells in elementary school and you’re getting a lot of the foundations of that science so early on that it just kind of builds upon each other. So by the time you’re in high school, most people have had a lot of exposure to biology. But you compare that to psychology, and they haven’t and then you balance this out by how everyone thinks that they are their own naive psychologists. Like they have an understanding of why people do what they do and how emotions work and how thoughts work, because we just believe that we know ourselves. And so that creates a situation where a lot of people just don’t have this information. And people in my field, people who go through professional training, we don’t know at all how to share this information with people who aren’t other people in our field. Like we get very good at learning this information, learning the science, learning how to do the science or practice psychology. We get very good at that, but we don’t get any training on how do you actually talk about this in a way that people in the public will actually listen, find it interesting and be able to apply it.

Gabe Howard: So, let’s talk about that. You’re John Q. Public, you’re a lay person, you’re on the Internet, and you’re searching for information. Can you share some tips with people so that they can understand the difference between a personal story, which again, I completely agree has a lot of value. It just… it has value as a personal story and a Dr. Ali Mattu video that that has a factual basis and everything in between. How can a lay person know that what they’re watching is reliable information?

Dr. Ali Mattu: That is such a good question, and it’s a really tough question. I think that, Gabe, you’re here highlighting probably one of the biggest challenges of just 2019. How do you evaluate all the information that’s coming at us and the information that we seek out? And how do you determine if it’s accurate or not? That’s a pretty big challenge. So one of the challenges of YouTube is there is a difference between making content that is compelling, hooks you in, keeps you watching, takes you on emotional roller coaster ride, is memorable, is shareable. There is a big difference between that and content that is accurate. There are some people who are very good at doing both of those things. But I think most people who I’ve discovered are very good at either the art of it, or might know a lot about the information and are trying to share the information. So one of the things to look up when you’re watching YouTube videos is trying to understand who is the person or the people behind the video. That’s always really important. Do they have training or knowledge or any experience in the area that they’re talking about? Sometimes that doesn’t matter. I found a lot of YouTube videos that have helped me solve a problem and that person might not have been an expert. I had a problem with my toilet a few months ago.

Gabe Howard: That’s the exact example that I was thinking of. I just watched a YouTube video to fix my toilet.

Dr. Ali Mattu: I love those videos where people are like, Hey, you know, I’ve been having this problem and maybe you’re having it, too. Here’s how I fixed it. I hope it helps you. Like that is such a big percentage of all YouTube videos, the other half just being like cute cat videos. But so sometimes it doesn’t matter too much if they’re a professional or expert or not. But I think in the mental health world, it very much does. What’s the background from which they’re speaking? Now, I have blind spots as a professional. Like I am very much coming at this from someone who has formerly gone through this training that comes with certain biases. Now, I’ve I’ve lived with anxiety, social anxiety in particular, so I can speak to that experience. But there’s a lot of things that I can’t speak to. I’ve never had an eating disorder. I have not lived with bipolar depression. I will never know 100 percent what it’s like to feel those things. So, of course, I have my own biases. I have my own things that I bring to the video. But I can talk to you about some of the science behind these things. I can talk to you about treatments related to these things. So try to evaluate who’s behind your video.  And there are some YouTube channels out there where it’s very hard to know who is behind this video. And you gotta take those with a grain of salt. You have to be careful about those videos that you consume. YouTube as a platform is very good at recommending content that you might like. It’s not very good at recommending content that might be accurate. Those things are very separate in the algorithm. YouTube really wants to recommend stuff that’s going to keep you watching more content. It doesn’t really factor in how accurate is it. It’s really just factoring in Does it keep you watching? So that’s number one- is to know that production values different from accuracy and try to figure out who’s behind the video. And I think, in general, that is good advice for podcasts and blogs and websites, as well as… Who are the people behind it? What is the experience like for those individuals? I know here on Psych Central, there is a quality control check with all the content that is going through the organization. Similar for me and everything I put out. It has my name by it and there’s been times I’ve made mistakes, and then I correct those mistakes. But if you’re not sure who’s behind it, that’s a big red flag.

Gabe Howard: We’ll be right back after this word from our sponsor.

Announcer: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.com. Secure, convenient, and affordable online counseling. Our counselors are licensed, accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions, plus chat and text with your therapist whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face to face session. Go to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counseling is right for you. BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral.

Gabe Howard: We’re back speaking with Dr. Ali Mattu. You know, it’s interesting that you said sometimes that you make mistakes. I like that example because it really is a “buyer beware.” It’s smart to keep an open mind just because somebody has all of the degrees in the world and you like them and you love them and they’re perfect and they get it right 99 percent of the time, it doesn’t mean that they’re not incorrect once. And the reason that they could be incorrect could be because science evolved, thinking changes.

Dr. Ali Mattu: Absolutely. Absolutely

Gabe Howard: So it’s not even that they were wrong. It’s that research showed something different a year later or whatever the case may be. And I think it’s very valuable that people keep that in mind, because so often somebody watches a video. They’re like, no, no, no. I got the answer that I wanted, and that’s all I want to hear. And if the only reason you like the answer is because it’s the answer that you wanted, that’s a big red flag. Seek out multiple sources.

Dr. Ali Mattu: That’s great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

Gabe Howard: Even in your toilet example, I believe your exact words were, “Hey, I had this problem with my toilet. Maybe you had this problem with your toilet. Here is what I did. Maybe it’ll work for you.”

Dr. Ali Mattu: Yes. Yes.

Gabe Howard: So, yeah.

Dr. Ali Mattu: Yeah. Yeah. That was exactly the video, and my toilet was fixed. This solution could work, but I couldn’t reach the thing that I needed to reach because of the way the toilet was installed. I still ended up calling a plumber to fix it, but I think that example is actually a good parallel for mental health because mental health, psychology, people are complicated, complex, and what might work for one person in one situation might not work for someone else. And another thing that I’ve found in my life and in my patients lives is something that works for you now, might not work for you three years from now. And you’re right. The science evolves. A great example of that from my channel is I made a video a few years ago about my own bee phobia. And it’s a video that shows how exposure therapy for anxiety works with my bee phobia. And you see me actually facing my fear of bees in that video. Now, that video is… it’s done pretty well. And a lot of people when I go to anxiety conferences, some people are like, Hey, it’s that bee guy from the video.

Gabe Howard: I love it.

Dr. Ali Mattu: People really like showing that video as an example of exposure. But what’s happened since I released that video is I’ve learned a lot more about newer approaches to exposure therapy. And one of the things that I realized is, hey, in this previous video, I think I over emphasize something that now a lot of people are saying is not really important for that treatment. And I think I neglected to include something, or really emphasize something, that is a big part of it. A lot of exposure therapy is built on this idea of habituation, that the longer you stay in a situation, the less your body’s responding to it and you kind of get used to it. Well, a lot of newer research has shown that habituation might not happen for everyone, and it might not be the important thing. The big, important thing might be changes in your memory related to this fear. So it’s not that my body got used to the bees that’s important. It’s that I learned that these bees, that I thought were going to come and attack me, through the exposure, I learned that the bees really were minding their own business and they couldn’t care less that I was there. That’s the thing that changed. So what I did is I made a follow-up video where I talk about that, and I then try this newer approach related to another fear I have. You’ve got to be open-minded there. And another challenge here. Gabe, I’m sure you run into this challenge. I’m sure you’re going to be running this challenge as we’re recording this. It’s hard to really get into all the details in a short amount of time that’s digestible for people. So podcasts, whether it’s half an hour, an hour, a YouTube video, 5, 10 minutes, it’s hard to be comprehensive and get at everything in that short amount of time.

Gabe Howard: And I’m really glad that you brought that up, because the reality is, in order to understand these things very, very well. You do need the two-hour lecture.

Dr. Ali Mattu: Right.

Gabe Howard: And actually you need the two-hour lecture twice a week for like eight years.

Dr. Ali Mattu: Yeah, right.

Gabe Howard: And then you have a PhD, or a PsyD, or an M.D. You have all of these degrees. And even then you need continuing education credits for your licensure and then everything changes. For example, if I was diagnosed all the way back in 1950, I wouldn’t have bipolar disorder. I would have manic depressive disorder. It just changes and changes and changes and changes as new information becomes available. So that kind of leads me to my second question. One of the things that you said early on is that doctors and providers and therapists, they have trouble explaining this in ways that, you know, lay people can understand. But of course, they are our providers.

Dr. Ali Mattu: Right.

Gabe Howard: I know that a lot of patients feel that, Hey, I don’t understand what you’re doing to me, and I don’t know how to get this information, and you’re not explaining it to me well.  Where is the intersection there? Because clearly the answer is not to fire all the psychiatric providers, but patients are confused. And as you found, there is that disconnect.

Dr. Ali Mattu: Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I think one of the problems there is it is very hard to remember what it was like to not know something. So we can’t remember what it was like to look up into the sky and not know that the moon is the moon. You can’t remember being a kid and looking up and being like… What is that? Like is that like a big piece of cheese? Like what is that thing up in there? We just know it’s the moon. We know it’s this thing that orbits us. We take that knowledge for granted. And a very similar thing plays out for any professional mental health provider. It’s very hard to remember what it was like to not know what a manic episode is or what anxiety is like or how people experience depression. I think about this a lot when I’m working with family members and talking to a family and trying to help them understand their loved one’s diagnosis. For many people, the idea of depression is just so alien. Like they have a very difficult time trying to understand what that’s like. And so I’ll sometimes do analogies like, you know, it’s not that they’re lazy, they’re not lazy, it’s not laziness that’s keeping them in bed or making it hard for them to do all this work that they’re supposed to be doing. You know, depression is more like carrying this massive weight. It’s almost like walking around with a backpack full of boulders inside. They can go through the motions, but it’s so much harder, so much more difficult. It’s so exhausting. And that might help. Or someone’s having a hard time understanding what a panic attack is like, and I’ll have them hyperventilate for a minute. And I’ll say this experience that you’re having right now, it’s hard to catch your breath, or your vision, it’s a little bit blurry. It’s really hard for you to focus on my conversation. What’s this like for you? And they’ll say, oh, this this is horrible. This sucks. And I’ll say, now, imagine if you experienced this out of nowhere. And they might say, well, that would be so scary. And I’ll say, that’s what a panic attack is like. But a lot of therapists, we have a hard time remembering what it was like to not know these things. And so that can make it very difficult for us to explain these things. To walk someone through a diagnosis, to walk them through what a treatment is like. It’s the curse of knowledge. And I think we all experience it in whatever thing we really know, whether it’s Pokemon or psychotherapy. It’s really hard to remember what it was like to not know this stuff. 

Gabe Howard: You’ve made a ton of videos and you’ve been doing this for a little over four years now. Where have you made the most impact? What do people watch most often and maybe even comment on?

Dr. Ali Mattu: So when I started making The Psych Show, I wanted to very much have it be that experience I had in my introductory psychology class where it was not just mental health, but there was social psychology, there was cognitive psychology, there was sensation, perception, neurobiology, all that sort of stuff, the whole gamut of what psychology is. And as time has moved on, life has become more complicated. I’ve had less time available to make content, so I have to be much more precise in my surgical precision of what topics I’m covering. And then also… Who’s my audience? And how do I make content that is really resonating with the audience that The Psych Show has attracted? And so looking at my data, one of the things that became very clear to me is the content that was most popular was mental health content, and the content that was really leading people to share more and comment more, it was all the mental health content. Which is great because that content’s easier for me to make because that is my area of expertise is in the mental health world. So I’ve transitioned from making much more broad content to much more specific mental health content. It’s a collection of videos. I have a video where I made my wife watch Star Wars for the first time and then we record our reactions, and I talk about the psychology in the whole experience, which is kind of a very different video.

Gabe Howard: As a content creator, it is always important to eventually force family members to help against their will.

Dr. Ali Mattu: Yes.

Gabe Howard: That that’s almost a requirement.

Dr. Ali Mattu: Absolutely. My wife and I have a deal, which is once a year she will participate on the channel. And then for the rest of the year, I don’t bug her. And it’s been great. My favorite videos that I’ve made more recently… it’s a series called “Real Therapists, Fake Therapy,” where I am playing the part of a therapist myself. And then I’m also playing the part of the patient. And I am showing what a therapy session will look like. And so I really let my audience’s reactions direct the kind of content I make. As long as it’s still interesting and fun for me to make, and it’s resonating with my community, that’s a direction I go.

Gabe Howard: This has been overwhelmingly positive. People are getting information that they need, they’re getting education that they need. And even if they disagree with you, they’re disagreeing with you accurately, factually. They’re seeing it differently, but they’re seeing it correctly.

Dr. Ali Mattu: Yeah, I would agree with that, and overall I would say it’s been largely a positive experience hopefully for people who watch and also a positive experience for me.

Gabe Howard: That is fantastic. You know, I love what you’re doing for a variety of reasons. I love it as a fellow content creator. I love it because I live with bipolar disorder. And I remember when I was diagnosed all the way back in 2004, and my family, they knew nothing. And they wanted to know a lot because they just wanted to know a lot. And, you know, YouTube didn’t exist back then. At least I don’t think it did. Did YouTube exist back in 2004? See, you’re now a YouTube expert. See?

Dr. Ali Mattu: 2005 is when it first came out.

Gabe Howard: I’m pretty sure that Rachel Star was there on day one. I think we can…

Dr. Ali Mattu: I think so.

Gabe Howard: I think we can all agree with that.

Dr. Ali Mattu: That’s true. She���s an original YouTuber.

Gabe Howard: She is very, very cool. And for those who don’t know, we’re talking about Rachel Star, the host of “Inside Schizophrenia.” Also available on the Psych Central Podcast Network. You can go over at PsychCentral.com/IS and check that out. And the first episode also features Dr. Ali Mattu.

Dr. Ali Mattu: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gabe Howard: So, if you just haven’t had enough, they can find you in so many places. Now, off of Psych Central, where can people find you? What are all of your web addresses?

Dr. Ali Mattu: Yeah, so definitely at YouTube.com/ThePsychShow will get you to my YouTube channel and I’m also pretty active on Twitter @AliMattu. A L I M A T T U will get you to me on Twitter and Instagram @AliMattu as well. And then on Facebook, The Psych Show has a presence over there, too. So you can definitely “like” The Psych Show on Facebook.

Gabe Howard: And do you have a website?

Dr. Ali Mattu: Oh, yeah. Yeah. If you go to AliMattu.com, that’s where you’ll find more about my day job and you’ll find more about other stuff I’m doing on the Internet. On A&E, on Wednesdays, you can catch me on The Employables. So we air at 10:00. It’s a show that celebrates neurodiversity. Every episode of the show follows one individual on the autism spectrum and one individual who’s experiencing tics and Tourette’s and follows their journey as they meet with different experts to help them find a job. And I’m one of the experts on the series. So check that out Wednesdays on A&E.

Gabe Howard: Well, that is incredibly cool. We appreciate you so much, thank you. And thank you so much, everybody, for tuning in. We really appreciate it. Do you want to interact with the show on Facebook, suggest topics, comment on the show and be the first to get updates? You can join our Facebook group at PsychCentral.com/fbshow. And don’t forget to review our show on whatever podcast player you found us on. And do me a favor, tell a friend. And remember, you can get one week of free, convenient, affordable, private online counseling anytime, anywhere, simply by visiting BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral. We will see everybody next week.

Announcer: You’ve been listening to the Psych Central Podcast. Previous episodes can be found at PsychCentral.com/show or on your favorite podcast player. To learn more about our host, Gabe Howard, please visit his website at GabeHoward.com. PsychCentral.com is the internet’s oldest and largest independent mental health website run by mental health professionals. Overseen by Dr. John Grohol, PsychCentral.com offers trusted resources and quizzes to help answer your questions about mental health, personality, psychotherapy, and more. Please visit us today at PsychCentral.com. If you have feedback about the show, please email show@PsychCentral.com. Thank you for listening and please share widely.

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