#but I feel like this discourse has only come about because people have absolutely taken leave of their senses concerning George right now

[yesterdayiwrote]

What are your thoughts if you don't mind, on the whole debate going around Lando being a cleaner driver than George? Yes, George has had various incidents this year, some leading to the other driver retiring. I can't help but maybe think that George hasn't any experience fighting in the f1 midfield yet? so he is overdoing and just needs to learn? Where Lando has had 4 years and has managed no incidents in that time.

I do not mind at all although I don’t know that I have a particularly clear answer for it!

I think you’re partly right, whilst George and Lando have been in F1 for the same amount of time, their experiences have vastly differed during that time.

George always was an incredibly clean racer. Like there’s genuinely very few examples of any actual collisions in his career (especially big ones) up until Imola last year, and even that was a one off last year.

This year he’s fighting at the front for the first time, and yeah he’s made some scrappy moves because that Williams taught him nothing about wheel to wheel racing and it’s the one area where Mercedes is going to be his first opportunity to hone it, but I also think it’s fair to say the handful of incidents he’s had this year have been a) relatively minor and b) never entirely his fault (I’m discounting the Singapore stuff because the wet was a factor in those). There’s a definite argument that he’s been unlucky in some penalties as other drivers have come out after both Austria and COTA and said they felt they should have been racing incidents. It doesn’t really help his situation that that W13 sounds like a dog of a car to handle.

Lando may have less incidents to speak of, but George now has more podiums in one year than Lando has in his whole career. George is very strong on strategy calls, Lando… well we all saw Russia last year 😬

Unfortunately, being a ‘clean’ racer doesn’t really end up counting for much so it’s something of a moot point. They all have different areas that they’re strong in. I’m not really sure why everyone is so desperate to pit George and Lando against each other constantly. They all have bad races or bad seasons or bad moments. Alex had some horrific moments back in RB, but I wouldn’t class him as a dirty racer. Lewis has had some scrappy seasons but again he’s not overwhelming seen as dirty (by anyone rational at least). It just amazes me that George has had a genuinely amazing season and people are suddenly turning the narrative 180 off the back of a dodgy double header and a couple of really marginal minor collisions.

I think social media has a lot to answer for (and Christian Horner running his mouth last year). People have absolutely lost the plot where collisions are concerned, and rather than accepting that they are a part of racing, there’s this hunger to assign blame for all of them and view them all through a clear cut, black and white lens of good guy and bad guy. Fans on Twitter have absolutely no ability to find nuance in these things and it’s part of why the discourse around f1 is so overwhelmingly toxic these days.

[jouxlskaard]

Strap in, fuckers. This is a long one.

I've seen a lot of discourse and discussion recently about why TMAGP isn't resonating with listeners as much as TMA did, with a lot of people pointing towards the infrequent structure of each episode and the lack of subtlety that TMA had once excelled in. And while both of these are true, I think the main culprit that has caused these problems for listeners is one thing: the pacing.

TMAGP is only going to be 60 (Edit: 90) episodes long, compared with TMA's absolute behemoth of 200. When I'd found out about this, I'd assumed that it meant TMAGP would have a much smaller story - not having to establish as much information as TMA did, and allowing the story to have lower stakes as a result. This certainly wasn't a bad thing, as many sequels that have tried to one-up their predecessors have gone disastrously wrong, but I knew that the structure would be different to TMA as a result.

However, from the 12 episodes that we've seen so far, it appears that TMAGP is going to have similar levels of stakes to TMA - not the same stakes, of course, but they'll likely be on close to equal footing. This means that TMAGP has to establish the same amount of information to listeners with significantly less time to do it in, and the pacing has to speed up to adhere to that. In the first 12 episodes of TMA, we had established one possible recurring statement character (Gerry), a disturbing worm woman (Prentiss), and the fact that Jon doesn't like his assistant and refuses to believe any of the statements. In the first 12 episodes of TMAGP, we've established every important protagonist and what they sound like, two recurring statement characters (Bonzo and Ink5oul) with one that has already physically appeared, much of Sam's backstory and his ties to the Magnus Institute and the fact that something is deeply wrong with their workplace. That is a big difference.

This difference in pacing is what I believe is turning listeners away from what they'd originally enjoyed about TMA, because there's no longer that warm, comforting atmosphere when you listen to it. Its sound isn't designed to come from a tape recorder and a tape recorder only anymore; it's no longer a sit-down and listen to the Archivist tell you spooky stories for 20 minutes anymore; and, like I mentioned earlier, the structure is no longer the same throughout each episode. The horror anthology aspect, whilst still being there, has now taken a back-burner to the metanarrative because so much has to be established in so little time. To many, that's a bad thing. They listened to the original because they liked the statements, and the little things connecting them hinted to a much larger story at play. When this story was revealed, we got to see Jonny Sims and his brilliant prose at its best, because there was no longer anything to hide and the statements were in their purest forms - no longer having to establish information to the audience, and simply basking in the fear.

I'm sure we'll get to see the same thing in TMAGP once the narrative reaches that point, but the current pacing has uprooted a lot of listeners' expectations for the show. I'm going to listen to the entire thing, personally; yeah, it's different, and it doesn't deliver the same vibes and comfort as TMA did, and I probably won't be able to fall asleep whilst relistening to the more obscure episodes like I could before, but in a frankly disturbing way, I'm still fascinated with what Jonny, Alex and the other writers have created. This type of horror is the only kind that I genuinely enjoy, and I'm excited to see what direction Protocol goes in.

Edit: I feel like I should clarify that I don't see this comparison as something that takes away from TMAGP. Alex has said that it's going to be different from the get-go, and I do think that comparing it to TMA is an exercise in futility to an extent. I just wanted to talk about the shows together because I feel like they complement one another, and the narrative beats that I've talked about are less to do with TMA on its own and more to do with general narrative structure. We have buildup, payoff and pacing no matter what show it is, because that's what makes a story. I think TMAGP could be taken a little bit like Deltarune in terms of its relation to the original source material: separate entities with some overlap in character and themes. At the end of the day, it's still early days for the show and this entire spiel could just end up gathering dust - I just think it's a cool thing to think about, and it gives me an excuse to infodump about how pacing can affect a narrative and the audience's response to it.

I wrote this while my cat was laying on me. Have a picture as a reward for reading this whole thing.

[genderkoolaid]

I'm sorry but you people have demeaned the word lesbian so badly... the LITERAL definition of a lesbian is a NON-MAN who likes NON-MEN. How is that so fucking hard to understand? Not you specifically, but people like you have made it into something it's not; the whole "bi lesbian" and "straight lesbian" shit, saying trans men can date lesbians (which is literally just transphobic), straight up just saying lesbians can date men???? MEN???? DO YOU NOT HEAR YOURSELVES?

And now the whole butch discourse lmao. Sure, maybe in days long past it was a broader term, but today when someone hears the word butch, I can guarantee their minds will jump to a butch lesbian. If y'all want it to be the GBT community so bad then just say so

Also I can guarantee that you were one of the mfs laughing at lesbians who used he/him or he/they pronouns back in 2020 lmao performative ass bitch

Definitions of words do not descend from Heaven straight from the lips of God. We make them up! So I simply disagree with your definition of lesbian, as do many others. Personally, I enjoy the definition of "queer love/desire for women." For one, it centers lesbianism around women, instead of centering it around the exclusion of men. And two, "non-men loving non-men" is a definition which utterly erases nonbinary people. If an agender person is dating a neutrois person, they are not lesbians- or gay men- simply because y'all cannot get your head out of your binary asses for five seconds. "Non-men loving non-men" is a definition that attempts to be nonbinary-inclusive but only succeeds in making nonbinary & genderqueer identities palatable for radical feminism and political lesbianism. Honestly, I would prefer someone who defines lesbian as "woman loving woman" but understands that many people have complex relationships with womanhood while still feeling attached to the label of lesbian, than someone who uses this "NB-inclusive" definition and goes absolutely feral over genderqueers who are Doing It Wrong.

Anyways, speaking of radical feminism: acknowledging male lesbians and mspec lesbians is not "making lesbianism something its not." It is just recognizing the beautiful complexity that has always existed within lesbianism.

The lesbian community- which I'm using to refer to all kinds of communities organized around queer relationships to women & womanhood- has always been a haven for a lot more people than cis women exclusively into other cis women. The idea of sexuality-as-identity is very recent, and the idea of drawing a hard line between people who only like people of the same gender and people who like the same gender and more is also extremely recent. Beyond that, trans men and nonbinary people have always taken shelter under lesbianism. "Butch" in the context of lesbianism has always been a trans* identity, a way for people with a queer gender to find community and safety.

The reason why we have this idea of lesbianism as a strict category with hard borders is..... you guessed it..... radical feminism! And specifically "political lesbianism," which essentially placed woman-only relationships as the only true feminist relationship you could have. "Lesbian" became a political identity because of its focus on woman-woman relationships. But that meant that, for political lesbianism to be acceptable to radical feminism, it needed to conform to radical feminist beliefs about what makes a good feminist. Which meant:

No trans women or fems (because they are too male and probably predators)

No trans men or mascs (because they are too male and also traitors)

No bisexuals (because they are too male by association and are also traitors)

No penetrative sex, or at least no strap ons (because it imitates men)

No kinky sex (see above but with bonus "kink is evil" flavoring)

No butch/femme roles (because they imitate heterosexuality; everyone has to be neutrally androgynous).

I believe that much of modern lesbian discourse comes from trying to marry lingering radfem beliefs with modern attempts at trans-inclusivity. So you adapt the blatant transphobia: now, trans women are allowed in (as long as they are palatable to cis women), because they're women! And nonbinary people can also be allowed in- at first they were woman-aligned, and then later as long as they weren't man-aligned. Being butch/femme is Back In Style, but we have to soothe the gender anxiety that butches cause by assuring everyone that only True Lesbians can be butch, and butches are always women, even if they kind of aren't, but regardless they're definitely not men, because butch has always been a lesbian term (except it hasn't.) The discourse is haunted by the ideas that lesbianism is constantly under attack, more than anyone else, and that lesbian culture is unique and special and must be guarded from (male/-aligned) invaders who are probably also sexual predators.

To say that this is all just "days long pasts" ignores both that, in physical queer spaces there very much still are male lesbians and bi lesbians who are accepted parts of their local communities, and that you only see those days as "long past" because of the impact of radical feminism on lesbianism. The only reason you see these changes as a good thing is because you've swallowed radical feminist ideas without realizing it.

Also, "if you say butch most people will think of butch lesbians" is an extremely silly argument. Literally who fucking cares. If you say "man" there are still a lot of people who will immediately think of exclusively cis men (see: every feminist who says shit like "if men could get pregnant). Does that mean that trans men should just give up their identities because other people don't understand them? You dork?

Anyways. The funniest part of this ask is how damn confident you are that I was apparently hating on he/him lesbians three years ago. Idk how to tell you this but I'm a boygirl gaylesbianbisexual and have identified this way for years. I have been personally terrorized by shitty lesbian identity politics, the same ones you are repeating now, which told me that if I was even 1% male then identifying as a lesbian made me a disgusting predator. Which caused me years of suffering because no matter how hard I tried, I could not ignore my multigenderedness and how that affected my sexuality. Sowwy but you look silly as hell and your argument is bad and you should feel bad </3

[the-crimson]

Why does it feel like we in the q!bbh fandom are constantly defending q!bbh from people who hate his character for no reason.

I say no reason because a majority of the time people make things up whole sale to get mad about or take the smallest action completely out of context to get mad about it. There are legitimate things about q!bbh that I can see turning people off from his character but those things are almost never part of the discourse.

It’s always: q!bbh doesn’t care about the eggs, q!bbh is the most evil person on the island and should be killed repeatedly, he and Leo have no relationship and she would dislike him, Dapper’s deserves a father that actually cares for him, etc etc etc

It’s honestly exhausting because all of these things are blatantly untrue and I have no idea how anyone could come to these conclusions even if they never watch a second of bbh. Q!bbb is the sole reasons no egg has died of neglect since Trump. Q!bbh is the sole reason many of the eggs have maxed out armor, auto feed set up so they are always at max health, and an XP backpack with hundreds of XP. Q!bbh is constantly going out of his way to help others the moment they ask regardless of his own plans.

There is a REASON q!bbh is the only character on quesadilla island with access to every egg’s safe room in and out of the Ninho. Q!bbh is the only character on the server who has an actual relationship with every single egg that goes beyond acquaintances. Ramon is Dapper’s bff and constantly hangs out with bbh and Dapper. Bbh has done Leo’s tasks more times than I can count and her last words before being kidnapped were “I love you”. Bbh has taken care of Tallulah and Chayanne too many time to count. It was only after talking to bbh about how she feels guilty about feeling like Philza is more her father than Wilbur that Tallulah asked Philza to adopt her. Pomme is literally his daughter. Richas has spent countless nights hanging out with bbh and Dapper (and Pomme) after his parents logged off. Bbh would literally burn the world for Dapper in a heart beat.

When bbh learned no other egg made it off the island in purgatory, he spent the last 15 minutes of his stream muted because he was crying irl. Q!bbh was literally killing himself after the eggs were kidnapped and is basically a walking corpse rn with a gapping hole in his head that’s been there for two months. He’s been having memory problems for over a month - this development with his short term memory loss is a natural progression of his preexisting condition!

PEOPLE PLEASE criticize his character for things he actually does. You don’t have to like every character - q!bbh is an annoying little menace! But don’t make shit up to get mad about I’m begging.

If you don’t like a character, then ignore them. There are several character on the qsmp that I absolutely despise and get annoyed when every they show up on stream but I doubt anyone following me could tell me which characters those are because I never talk about it! Especially not in the main tag! I think through purgatory - when my frustration was at its highest - I mentioned one of these characters once in the tags of a reblog.

Tldr: if you don’t like a character, ignore them. Don’t make shit up about them to get mad at. You’re just making urself look like an idiot and an asshole.

[the-firefly-jar-system]

i'm really upset about the transandrophobia discourse right now. i am not a transmisogynist for acknowledging that i also face oppression, and i'm not playing as a victim for wanting a word to describe my oppression. i apologize in advance if this is rambly or hard to understand

i am a transmasc nonbinary teenager, as well as autistic. i am *easily* spotted as queer because of how i express myself as transmasc. i am especially a target because of the ear defenders i wear to help with my sensory issues.

i have been threatened, harassed, called slurs, misgendered on purpose, physically and verbally attacked, fetishized, and more. this has all happened before and after i stopped trying to 'pass' as a cis guy and also started accommodating my autism. i absolutely do not benefit from male privilege in any way, nor am i accepted as a 'real' male by my peers. almost every cis boy at my school wants nothing to do with me, and only after years of being in school with me they are able to talk to me like a person. i have been asked by parents and teachers if i actually want to use they/them instead of my preferred he/him or he/they because of how i present (this comes from a place of support, but only makes me feel dysphoric). i was taken off of puberty blockers because therapists didn't want to approve hrt for me, despite my diagnosis of gender dysphoria, as i have non-normative transition goals. i can't go into any gendered bathrooms because people know i'm not a woman (and i feel highly dysphoric in the woman's bathroom), and i feel incredibly unsafe and singled out in the men's bathroom. i'm not seen as a boy, just a nonbinary person (which i am, but not only) or a confused girl who wants to be special.

by the way, i live in a very progressive place. i have it good compared to a lot of other transmascs.

this is absolutely a widespread issue, and by ignoring or denying it you are making it so much easier for people to target us without repercussions. i understand that people want to move past this discourse, but we cannot move on and advocate for each other as a community if the oppression against all kinds of trans people isn't acknowledged properly as an issue. please see us: the oppression we face does not undermine your own oppression

[carmen-berzattos]

Thoughts on that ceasefire statement?

So I have several people asking me about this. I do have some thoughts, but you'll have to forgive me, I am only able to engage with this passingly.

I want to make a few things clear: I'm originally from Iraq. I do live in the U.S. now, but I grew up in Iraq. And like most Arabs, the Free Palestine movement is unquestionable for me. I have been an uneqovical supporter of Palestine my whole life. Which means the past couple of weeks have been excruciatingly painful. And the horrifying circumstances of it have taken over almost my every waking moment. That, coupled with my own childhood of living through a war which the past two weeks have been triggered again and again, have really tanked my mental health. I mention this to make clear that I will speak to this question just this once, to articulate some of my thoughts around it. In order for me to do the work for Palestine sustainably which I fully plan on doing, I need space to step away from it. I'm choosing this website with the pretty images to be said online space. So I will not engage in any further discourse after this. Even now, I will engage only as far as my mental capacity will allow. As I'm sure you can understand, I am utterly exhausted, and what little energy I have left is better expended elsewhere. I thank you for your understanding.

I want to start by pointing out something that I unquestionably liked about his statement, because I think it's important and a lot of people won't read this whole thing: His mention of the West Bank. The media attention has focused a lot on Gaza, and rightly so. But Palestinians in the West Bank have been suffering gravely for the past two weeks under the tyrannical rule of the settler colonial Israeli government. You should all go read about this and learn more. Palestinians are getting arrested, kicked out of their homes, being brutalised, harrassed, and murdered. It's starting to get *some* coverage now, but still not enough. This would also be my time to remind you that the West Bank is not at all controlled by H*m*s so like, bitch what's your excuse now?

the gist of my thoughts: Is Hozier a Palestinian freedom rebel? No, absolutely not. Is he a hateful supporter of genocide? Also, no, absolutely not. I think Hozier is a well-intentioned celebrity with passing knowledge of what's happening, a publicity team that curtails his words for better or worse, and who has a lot to lose if he missteps in any direction. Whatever we may think of his actual politics that we can glean from his music is not quite the same as coming out with a very clear statement that could put him, and a lot of the people around him at risk. And I mean that both physical safety and otherwise. I think saying something very overtly pro-Palestine could very well put a target not just on him and his team, but possibly on fans attending his concerts in droves right now, especially since he's in the U.S. right now which is a) not his country and b) the country that's primarily funding this war so like fuck me the pro-zionist sentiments here are still STRONG (I just got egged yesterday at a protest and wearing the keffiyah has genuinely made me fear for my life for the past couple of weeks). This may be disappointing (it is), but I frankly have very little energy left to truly feel disappointed. More than anyone, I would have loved for him to come out, blazing fires in his eyes, carrying the Palestinian flag. But alas, I knew that wouldn't happen except in my wildest dreams. I understand that people want to hold him accountable. But it does feel to me like expending this level of energy on a celebrity whose statement was frankly more nuanced than what even media outlets have said is just not where I'm at. I understand if that's where you're at. But it's not something that I can currently engage with.

This is the extent to which I am able to speak to this at the moment. I am sorry if it's not good enough or extensive enough. There's so much that you can pick at, the framing of it, the specific wording that he used. Again, for better or worse, but I just do not think this conversation is where my currently very limited supply of energy should go to. It is up to you whether this is where you'd like your energy to go <3

I hope you're all well. Sending you all so much love.

[terukotime]

Hihi guys. I don't necessarily like to engage in fandom "discourse", which I don't really even know if that's the proper term to use in this case, but in regards to DRDTDev's response to a confession on the DRDT Confessions account (I posted a reblog with a response to it directly here, in case you're curious), I want to say something on the situation revolving around the OP of that confession.

I agree that the confession itself was obviously harmful, if unintentionally, and that it was poorly-worded, and overall would have been something better kept to themselves. However, I acknowledge that the anon of the confession is only human, and we all have made mistakes without the judgment or maturity needed to understand the repercussions of it. So I ask to everyone who has been harassing that anon (who has come out on a burner account admitting to being the OP of that confession and apologizing), to please stop.

I 100% agree that the confession made was, in the long run, hurtful and (for lack of a better term cause it's currently 5am as I'm writing this) tone-deaf. But I do sympathize with the anon because I can understand where they were coming from with what they said, though I still disagree with how it was said, and I don't think it should've been said at all.

But to those who have gone out of their way to say some absolutely atrocious stuff to that person, that is extremely out of line. People have said that the OP is a coward for not having posted it non-anonymously, called them horrible names, claimed that they aren't even really sorry, and other abhorrent things. I do understand the anger, but the actions some people have taken against this person are incredibly out of line and not okay.

I understand that this is a fandom of predominantly minors, and I am not a minor myself, so the levels of emotional maturity of many people in this fandom differ vastly. So I won't say anything harmful back to those who have harassed the anon of that confession. But I will say once again that behavior like that is unacceptable, and though you are trying to be in defense of DRDTDev, this is likely not what they want at all, either. You don't need to say such cruel and terrible things about someone who you don't even know who made a mistake, has owned up to it publicly, and has apologized for it. Being upset is one thing. Taking it out on the OP and acting like this is somehow going to be the downfall of the DRDT fandom is in an entire other universe of being another thing.

So please, let the takeaway of this situation be that we all need to be kinder, more mindful, and more respectful to not only DRDTDev but each other within this community. The immediate jump to hostility from some people is both disappointing and disgusting and is not at all how we should be reacting to this situation. Overall, we should be showing DRDTDev our support, our love and appreciation to them and all that they do, NOT going at each other's throats about this and only further proving that DRDTDev has a reason to be afraid of us.

That being said, I want to take this moment to promote @nicohakobyan's idea for a #drdtdevappreciation event, of which I will definitely be partaking in. It's something I think is very much needed at this time, and will be a great way to show our respect and admiration towards the creator, and I highly encourage everyone to do the same!

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read this little PSA, as I feel like this desperately needed to be said before it continues to get out of hand.

Sincerely, the Certified Teruko (and DRDT as a whole) Stan™,

Giselle 💖

[the-shy-wolf]

I’ll be posting this to Twitter tomorrow, but since I’m more active here, I’ll go ahead and post. To everyone who has supported me up to this point, I appreciate everything, more than you will ever know. Despite my claims of being an ‘edgelord’, I think it’s no secret that that’s absolutely not the case. I’m an incredibly sensitive person. So sensitive, in fact, that I’m easily stressed when it comes to certain things. I’ve been having to take frequent breaks from the internet due to my extreme levels of anxiety. My anxiety has been so bad, I now have seizures due to my stress levels being so high. Don’t worry, I am working with a therapist and psychologist with this, and with therapy and appropriate medication, I can beat it.

With that being said, I’m sorry to say I’m stepping away from the Deltarune fandom. I’m sad and extremely conflicted about it, because it was Deltarune that helped me make so many friends and meet so many people. This is my first time having a place in fandom, I was briefly involved in the Adventure Time fandom, but that was years ago and it was a brief thing. I’ve never had this many eyes on me, and it’s overwhelming. My time and the emotional investment I’ve been putting into fandom/art has felt like a second job, and I’m not okay with that. I originally started posting art, because I was inspired. It’s also helped me cope with the loss of my brother. But it’s no longer a coping method, it feels more like a chore and it no longer brings me happiness. I’ve been harassed by anon hate/criticisms mercilessly, and it’s taken a toll on me. I’m 30 years old, and if I have not developed a thick skin now, it’s safe to say I never will. Which is another thing I want to bring up: I no longer want to draw ship art of Deltarune characters, and that includes Kris and Susie. I’m tired of the shipping discourse/hate, and to be honest, I don’t want to only be known for shipping characters from a game. I think it’s made people not take me seriously as an artist at all, and it’s no longer enjoyable. I started shipping the characters because they both reminded me of my partner and I, but now, it’s all anyone ever relates my work to, and that includes oc’s. It’s frustrating. I’m a short, brown headed enby. Bram is a big freckled long haired dude. My ocs look like us. Please stop mixing the two- it ain’t that deep.

I’m sorry if this came out of the blue, but after receiving my diagnosis yesterday, I need to cut back on my stress levels, and a lot of that stress stems from fandom. Will I draw DR in the future? Maybe. Especially once new content is dropped. Idk if it will be shipping, but it’ll be something. I will, of course, continue to support all of my art friends. You’ve been nothing but kind and supportive of me, and despite my absence, I care very, very much. So much, in fact, I isolate myself from everyone because I don’t feel worthy to associate or even share my art. I know that’s a shitty excuse, but it’s true. There is a voice in my head that keeps telling me I’m not worthy to even associate. If this disappoints my friends/supporters, I’m so very sorry. It’s how my brain has always worked.

I also want to apologize for leaving my other sm accounts. I was not trying to worry or cause panic. I don’t think too many people even noticed, which is good. It’s not the first time I’ve deactivated. My hands get busy and sometimes deactivating and stepping away is a good reset button for me. But I wanted to throw all of this out there. I’m sorry if this is disappointing or upsetting, but I want to be honest. About all of it.

Thank you for reading, again- I’m so sorry. I’ll probably reactivate and post this message to Twitter tomorrow.

[ocean-waters]

hey ocean!!! :-) for the love your fandom ask game, let's try 14, 16 and 25!! ✨

Hey Rin! Thanks for the ask ❤️ you picked some good questions

#14: the ship that always makes you smile

Hmm. I wonder. Yknow.. I can't seem to recall any that would.

Alright, seriously, there has not been another ship like rinharu. Honestly, I struggle to put it into words since it's mostly feelings.

This pairing altered my brain chemistry and rewired me. Literally defined my taste when it comes to ship. If it reminds me of rinharu, there is a high chance i'll ship it. It's a ship that's got it all. Just the dynamic is so addicting and fun and thrilling. There is not one moment when they're together that is not overloaded with feeling. They play off of each other so well. They're both opposites, but also more similar than they realize. They have fantastic chemistry, and they are both so passionate, but they can also be pretty soft with each other too. Their moments make the show. I mean, they are the "core-axis" of free! After all.

From the very beginning of their story together, it's always been so entertaining. I loved seeing how their relationship started, grew, and evolved. It was love at first sight (or I guess you could say it was actually love at first swim). Rin's determination was unwavering, and he kept trying until he finally smashed his way through Haru's walls and eventually won him over with his charm, all while being absolutely enamored by Haru himself. And he truly did shake up Haru's entire world. Haru was so sure the only thing he needed was to feel the water. Then, in comes this smiley and annoyingly persistent kid and shows him a sight he's never seen before, and makes him feel so many funny feelings.

They're both so taken with one another, even if they don't want to admit it. I love how Rin gushes about Haru at any chance he gets, and how Haru is constantly thinking about Rin whenever they're apart. And i mean, gosh he quit swimming because he thought he hurt Rin. He had that much of an impact on Haru. They both drive each other forward, improve one another, and becomes their best selves together. Their relationship certainly wasn't without its bumps along the way, but i think that just makes it more interesting.

Seriously, when it comes to these two, they could be doing anything, and they would still have me smiling. I will treasure them forever.

#16: a tiny detail in canon that you want more people to appreciate

Not sure if some of these really count as "tiny", but:

● I just genuinely love that whenever Haru has flashbacks of his childhood moments with Rin, the first thing he remembers/thinks about is his smile, and the scene is always tinted pink with cherry blossoms.

● Rin's friendship with Nagisa. He pretends to be aggravated by him, but he's got quite the soft spot for him too.

● How perceptive Nagisa truly is. He notices the small things about his friends and their behaviors. It's so sweet

● Haru's love for weird looking creatures, like northern stoplight loose-jaw kun. He would have loved sacabambaspis.

● Haru's hobby of wood carving. I would love one of his handcrafted iwatobi chan charms.

● Also one I learned about recently: Haru actually has double-jointed knees!

#25: a piece of advice for taking care of yourself in fandom spaces

Fandom, as fun as it is, unfortunately has its rotten side. You'll inevitably come across pointless discourse of any kind during your time in it. The best thing you can do is honestly just avoid engaging with it. Don't ruin your own happiness by starting arguments with people who simply won't listen. If they're constantly popping up on your feed, simply block them and keep enjoying your side of the fandom. Constantly being met with people being destructively negative about the things you enjoy will do nothing except bring you down. It is so much nicer to just be able to enjoy things. You don't have anything to prove to anyone, and you don't need to justify yourself for liking a certain character or a ship. Just post what you want in your own circle. Be free!

(That being said, there are actually interesting discussions one can have with people who are actually willing to listen and debate properly, and those can be good experiences too. I'm just talking about discourse like ship wars or arguments like: Rin Matsuoka is a toxic character, and you're problematic if you like him!!1!!11! and such)

[From the "love your fandom" ask game]

[randomsebs]

I am not trying to be mean when I say this. I completely agree with you and think that AW is a horrible person. But the more attention she gets the longer she’s going to stick around. If we’d stopped talking about her a year ago, Sebastian would’ve been rid of her a long time ago. Please keep this in mind as you’re tagging your posts and engaging in discourse.

I understand and agree with your frustration. I, however, am at a point where I am drained from the situation. She is truly someone who makes me sick to my stomach. She has lurked on blogs like a maniac from the very beginning. She has engaged in stalker behavior and has targeted any fan of his who doesn’t worship the ground she walks on. And even worse than that, she’s encouraged many of his unhinged fans who just want his validation to do the same. She is cruel, shallow, thin skinned, lazy, and egotistical.

And while I pity Sebastian somewhat, I am also deeply upset with him for even agreeing to be part of this in the first place. I enjoy him and his career and am tired of freaks tying every move he makes to her. The idea of him even being associated with a person like her sullies him for me. I will always wish well for him; he deserves joy, peace, and success. That being said, we cannot infantilize him. He is a grown man in his forties. He may be blinded by an obsession with his career, but he is not an innocent child. This man has been in Hollywood for twenty years. He knows the game and is playing it, too. That DOES NOT make him a bad man. But we have to acknowledge that while he may be under duress because of this situation, he is still, to a certain extent, a willing participant.

I also don’t think she’s brainwashing him. That would require her to actually be his partner, and she’s really not. She’s a job to him, and you can tell. I still think that she is and always has tried to force more on him, but I don’t see him budging.

So all of this to say: she sucks. I’m over it. And the more we talk about her, the longer she’ll stay around. And the more we infantilize him, the more we run the risk of not only not being taken seriously for our point of view, but also him allowing her to stick around longer for spite. He is a Leo, after all, and a Leo will lean into the thing they’re being criticized for just to prove a point, even if it makes them miserable. And if it’s something that they know people are right about, they will lean into it even harder to feel as though they’ve “won.”

Wow , this is well said. Thank you for this.

I have an Instagram account, which I tried to take a break on but the drama just keeps me coming back. I created this blog to share about it , and I completely understand.

I have friends who I can talk to about it (without giving her attention since it’s in a group chat) and so on.

I also believe if he truly wins anymore big awards this year/next year, she will stay longer. You’re absolutely correct though about it.

I think she also has a secret Tumblr page to stalk blogs that talk badly about her, or that just creates weird scenarios with her and Sebastian. She gives me that vibe, she’s a weird stalker.

My Instagram has all the proof and such so here’s the user: Margarita69_1982

I’m probably not going to post on there anymore anyways because it is a lot to handle, along with receiving many threats from their crazy fans. But I do post on my stories, she never views them so I highly doubt she even knows it’s about herself anyways.

This situation does give me headaches not to mention anxiety for the future. This woman is whacked and to think that she’s famous? It’s only because her parents are rich, she wants to make that known. Her and Sebastian have nothing in common honestly (if they do it’s probably 1 thing).

[causesciencethatswhy]

The vecinos are saying the South Korean military is working with Bang PD to use Jikook to hide Taekook's relationship

This has really gotten into danger territory. Imagine how deeply brainwashed and mentally unhinged you have to be to convince yourself of something like this; to actually genuinely believe it? This isn't a joke anymore, they are no longer "just clowns", they are a potential danger

I don't even believe Jikook are together or that they'll be out publicly with their relationship post-enlistment if they are indeed in one, but it just gives me chills to imagine what will happen to Jimin (and Jungkook) if Jikook turns out to be real, or even if they just become closer as friends and flaunt their friendship. What they will do to him..

These are the people who were crying and losing their minds when it was announced that Jimin and Jungkook would enlist together, having mental breakdowns. Can you imagine what would happen if a romantic relationship between Jikook is publicly announced. They won't just implode behind their keyboards this time, that's for sure. Not with the way they've absolutely despised him for years. They will find a way to get closer to Jimin and they will try to cause him physical harm. They might even succeed, and there's a chance it could be fatal.

I'm sorry for coming to you with this, but it's all I've been thinking about since December. I'm so worried about Jimin (Jungkook too, because they could still attack him for "betraying" his "soulmate" and choosing his "fanservice co-star/side-piece" but Jimin is clearly the one most in danger)

These people are only becoming worse, they are not just "delulu shippers" anymore, in fact they haven't been in a long time. This isn't a Larries 2.0 case. Taekookers are not just deep conspiracy theorists, they are malicious. There's something truly sinister about them.

Maybe I'm just being dramatic over this but it's giving me major anxiety😔

Hi anon,

I do understand your fears and concerns. The way that tkkrs talk and manipulate is scary and serious and they should be taken as legitimate legal threats by bh as well. But I don't think you need to worry about jimin or jks security from them just yet. They make a whole lot of empty threats and are loud on purpose to make themselves feel more important and right than they are, but they really don't have the kind of pull to actually physically harm them that they think they have.

I would recommend to not follow tkkrs and their discourse that seriously as it will only mentally affect you, they thrive off their conspiracies and vileness, nothing can stop them. Bts have a lot of protection around them and more than anything we have no idea what jikook will be like post military and how tkkrs will take it. Maybe they'll get plenty of tkk moments again and will shut up for a while or maybe not. Either way, from one anxious person to another, don't borrow grief from the future, especially grief that is based on far fetched scenarios unlikely to happen.

I understand your fear, but I wouldn't go so far in my worry just yet <3

[garoujo]

TO ANY WRITERS WHO HAVE RECIEVED AN ANON IN THEIR ASKS TALKING ABOUT ME.

i wanted to actually post one final time about this since i’m feeling a lot better, unfortunately this anon just happened to crop up at a bad time.

as a lot of my moots already know, there’s been an anon on my blog and forcing themselves into other peoples safe spaces to spread rumours about me. not only are these rumours absolutely not true, but i also want to apologise to anyone who has been made uncomfortable by those allegations and has been roped into this drama.

this anon in particular has been following me on this app for around a year and a half. one of the points they have made is that i apparently was “chased off of my last blog” which again, is not true. the reason i left / deactivated my last blog was due to being one of the blogs who was doxxed in the hq doxxing discourse last year, that was the only reason because this same anon, was posting my personal information aswell as my ‘nudes’ and face reveals into my moots inboxes.

before the doxxing had taken place, i had 2 hate blogs made around that time [which again i believe to be the same anon / person who doxxed me considering they were made consecutively and seemed to pop up whenever i stopped answering their asks] one of which had began because they felt i wasn’t being inclusive with skin tone in my visuals, which is valid and completely understandable.

when i had received the first ask about it, i made a post about how i wouldn’t be doing anymore [n]sfw visuals until i was able to properly represent everyone and make them feel included, that’s always been the forefront of my blog and i want everyone to be able to enjoy my work. this was at around 7am before i left for work, i never heard again from that anon before my shift. [im not too sure if the anon who raised the issue first was the same one who then went on to make the blogs or if they simply used the ask for their own game, considering they’d already been harassing me in my asks for months]

since i couldn’t check my phone during work i then came back into tumblr after my shift to the anon, who now had a blog, doing the exact same thing as they’re doing now — they said i hadn’t been answering their asks so they took it to dash to tell people that i didn’t care and that i had no intention of changing [not true considering i had addressed it in my post prior to my shift] i then showed screenshots showing that i was at work with timestamps to when their asks were sent compared to when my shift started, but i still apologised and took accountability for it ever being an issue in the first place.

that blog was then deactivated suddenly, before another one came around 2 days later with the same issue, doing the exact same thing — forcing themselves into other people’s safe spaces to spread rumours about me. that blog deactivated and the next day, my personal details, full name + ‘nudes’ were in my moots asks, the blog who ended up exposing these people then was in my asks to offer me help and i deactivated for my own safety.

that is the reason i deactivated, it wasn’t to “start over” or “rebrand” like they’re claiming because i’ve always been emmie on my nsfw blogs, my aesthetic has remained the same as has my writing style. this anon has continued to harass me for almost two years and has been on every blog i have ever had, even before i came to this blog — i wrote tokyo rev sfw hcs for around a month, but they found me on that blog also.

again i apologise for anyone who’s been unfortunate enough to have this anon in their asks, my blog being inclusive is always my top priority when writing and putting out content and will remain one of the most important things to me while i’m here. so i apologise about issues like these being forced into spaces, i won’t be commenting on this again as i’ve already made around 4 posts concerning this anon before, but if anyone has any questions feel free to come into my dm’s.

— emmie. <3

[herbeloveve]

hello!! I’ve seen you post a lot about the idea that butch and femme relationships come with roles that both butches and femmes have to fulfill, and thought off the top of my head that you might be a reliable person to ask to elaborate slightly on that concept? Like, what defines these “roles” and how are people meant to interact with them?

I feel I may fit into one of these categories, however I am relatively “newly liberated” in my self expression so I havent really navigated either one. That’s mostly irrelevant, but just for context in case it helps. I’m fully aware you’re most likely not a walking historical database so if you’re not up to answering, (obviously) absolutely no pressure!! It seems to be a very important aspect of femme/butch identity that’s being erased to an extent by modern discourse and expression, and I don’t want to solidify my external identity in a way that participated in that kind of erasure. Though, again, feel free to ignore this completely.

Cheers!

it has been way too long and i am so sorry for not answering this sooner, i really wanted to get this Right, yknow?

First of all, I just want to say thank you for coming to me about this, I feel very honoured that you trust me with your questions — with that being said I feel it is important for me to tell you that I’ve only identified with the femme role for around 3 years. I by no means consider myself a ‘baby femme’ but in terms of longevity, I am still new and learning and coming to terms with what femme means and what it means to identify with that role. Alongside this, I recognise that butch/femme is not necessarily lesbian-exclusive, though I am coming at this through the lens of being a lesbian myself.

Another thing- this might get long, and I may also come back to add anything I think of later, so if you would ever like to DM me, please feel free. 🩷

For ease, I will be referring to butch-femme as BF. 

While there are no criteria in terms of set ‘rules’ for being butch or femme, there are general ideals and roles that are typical within BF relationships and their respective individual identities. Not only that, when experiencing these roles and living them, they’re not supposed to feel restrictive; and they do feel that way, then these labels might not be for you- which is okay, but I’ve recently seen a lot of comments suggesting that BF culture is restrictive and doesn’t feel freeing. This isn’t the case for those who are BF- I found such freedom when I learned and grew into the femme identity- and I know this is the case for the majority of butches and femmes I see online. 

I wish I could find the full quote, but I once saw someone refer to butches as being ‘the helpful one’. Which, in my opinion, is absolutely true– to me it feels adjacent and much alike to the concept of butch chivalry! 

". . . a butch is someone who has taken on the best gendered characteristics of both woman and man, left a lot of the stuff born of misogyny and heterosexism behind, and walked forward into the world without apology." – S. Bear Bergman, "Butch Is a Noun"

I am femme. I find comfort in butch lesbians and protecting them. I love being on my butch’s arm. I love being confusing to cis and straight people because they look at me and don’t understand me. Exploring my femininity through being femme has brought liberation in a way I didn’t know was possible.

I think a big misconception about BF identities is that only butches can fall into ‘gender non-conforming’ and femmes only fall into it because of their relationship with butches, this can be the case for some femmes but, certainly not all. While femmes are typically feminine presenting, we can and are still be gnc, non-binary, trans, etc. Many femmes will present feminine, but it is often a different kind of feminine and one that is rooted in their gender and sexuality– we will choose not to shave our armpits or legs while wearing our skirts and dresses. Femme is exaggerated and rooted in queerness and LGBT identity.  

You are right, in saying important aspects of BF culture have seemed to be erased; I don’t know if this is solely due to modern discourse, but I feel a part of this is a lack of BF-specific spaces. I find this, especially in smaller cities and areas where BF culture - and lesbian subcultures as a whole - are virtually non-existent. For example, my country, and by effect, my city, has very limited BF-specific events, clubs, etc. Whereas if you went to NYC, you might find more of the culture there. 

In my experience, a lot of the BF subculture has been found online, through literature, and through art. If you haven’t already, I really do urge you to read the likes of Stone Butch Blues, The Persistent Desire: A Femme-Butch Reader, Persistence: All Ways Butch and Femme. I haven’t read Boots of Leather, Slippers of Gold: The History of a Lesbian Community by Elizabeth Lapovsky Kennedy, but I hear it’s also a good introduction on the history of BF identities. 

I think what can be daunting about BF identities is there are more identities within them - Stone Butch, Stone Femme, High Femme etc. and exploring these are also quite scary- especially when it comes to trauma and past experiences. I don’t want to get into this too much, but if you have follow-up questions, I will absolutely do my best to answer, though, Stone Femme [tops] and stone butch [bottoms] exist and are loved. 

Final thoughts before I go on separate tangents… There is no one size fits all when it comes to BF identities. You are well-within your right to try different labels and see how they fit, and if they don’t fit then that’s okay! It’s all a learning experience.

[scoutpologist]

here's a thought i've had brewing for a bit. it's incomplete, imperfect, and unedited, and meant to be taken as a fandom analysis using a particular framework, not absolute truth.

the qsmp and dsmp fandoms are shitty and discourse-heavy because of the way we're supposed to interact with the media. essentially, the watcher is involved in the most intimate parts of a character's life and thought process, down to the mundane.

there is no planning out what characters are going to say what. there is a random, human quality to every interaction that tinges the entire story with the sense that we are seeing into someone's very heart. it's as if we're being let into the writer's room. we are watching our characters become in real time.

all that to say this: many smps aren't completely livestreamed, but these ones are. this allows the viewer to uniquely enmesh themselves easily with the character and, to some extent, the streamer. with relatively smaller streamers who have slower chats, such as nihachu, you can get noticed in chat fairly often. you might even be able to influence their character or actions.

this type of personal contact with the creator as the work is being created, with that contact through a digital lens, creates both a sense of alienation and connection. you are connected to the streamer you watch, and feel the need to defend them and their character.

at the same time, this connection is hampered by distance, audience size, or language. we cannot literally read the minds of our favorite characters and streamers, and sometimes it's unclear whether something is based in roleplay or reality. that creates a confusing dissonance between the events of the stream and the viewer.

cc bias is an unavoidable result of this. the viewer identifies with the character and streamer they enjoy watching most. so, they justify character actions they otherwise wouldn't and lash out against streamers who make their fave's life inconvenient in any way.

this is also why strong emotional reactions are not only common but standard when engaging with this type of storytelling. the viewer can sometimes react as if the events of the stream are happening to them or someone they love, resulting in high-strung emotions. this has also resulted in the "dead" fandom of the dream smp having reached a much more calm state.

(there's also the element of numbers - both dsmp and qsmp are incredibly popular, with streams topping national charts. i have no doubt that smaller servers with similar plots and dynamics exist, but they don't get the attention of as many people. the larger the fandom, the more likely you'll come across someone acting inappropriately.)

i don't really know how to continue this. but i think it's an interesting thought? i was reading my textbook yesterday and it talked about the urge human beings have to connect with and through screens, to merge with the digital, so i thought it would be interesting to apply that theory to this.

this might be correct. might not be. might exist in that limbo where most things are in which it's not true but not quite false either. no matter what you think on that end, i hope you enjoyed my shower thoughts.

[chipped-chimera]

Okay gimmie a sec I need to scream about being a Lesbian and my frustrations around it as someone signing on late.

Will I post this? Idk. But I'm about to blow a gasket.

I love being lesbian, okay. It's the first time it felt something has FIT properly. It's like when I got my Autism diagnosis - suddenly everything has context and MAKES SENSE. It feels like HOME.

But the more I learn about history in terms of wlw, and look around for representation and shit now that I FINALLY got where I am ... the more depressed I get. In a way, being bisexual was easier. It was easy to find rep. To feel rep. People were generally defensive of the label, stamped out Pan/Bi discourse most of the time and defended it loudly and with pride! I was happy in that label at the time, though it wasn't for me in the end. I felt safe. Validated. Accepted.

Lesbians? I feel like the label has been a battleground since the moment I stepped foot into it. I am seeing conversations swung around with all the grace and sharp edges of a mediaeval flail with the complete disregard of healthy boundaries others have, which again - knowing the HISTORY of how lesbianism has been interpreted over time is just ... it's misogyny in another coat. Whether internalised or intentional it is still here and it is still damaging. I sit here wondering why it's okay to have gay exclusive or trans exclusive or bi exclusive spaces but if a Lesbian tries to create one it is absolutely BATTERED for being 'exclusionary'. I mean, I know why it's like this. It's the fucking TERFs. The TERFs poisoned the water. So now a lot of lesbians feel compelled to open spaces to all as an assurance to keep them out, and in turn that is isolating. I desperately search around for people to relate to, to help navigate this world I've come into so late: I am lost, I need help, I am so isolated and alone.

And I can't find anything. Or its few and far between. I have to sift through walls and walls of experiences that while valid, are not mine. They don't help. I see lesbians getting attacked for expressing their pain over things like this, that lesbian bars are on the decline. I see headlines about a women exclusive bar as part of a temporary art exhibition being taken to court in my country by some man who filed for discrimination. I read the history of Lesbians in the American West, poorly documented as it is, that 'Lesbians had it better' than gay men because 'romantic friendships' were normalised between women - because no one believed a relationship could be 'real' unless a man was involved. Kissing and sleeping with your female friend was fine - you were just expected to 'grow up' and eventually conform to the patriarchal society structure of getting married and having children. Only men could become permanent 'confirmed bachelors'. The top Reddit related to lesbians is for porn. That objectification even invades the lesbian tag here, on a site where NSFW content has nearly been completely expunged. I know it's shit like this, way back in the 2000s was the reason I just could not accept being lesbian. I couldn't see myself in it because it was so objectified and the thought of 'engaging' in it felt gross. And it feels disgusting now.

I grew up in an environment where Lesbianism was considered something people did for attention or clout, to become more attractive to men. I see posts even now of angry lesbians venting about being predated on by bisexual women, who only mention way later that their 'boyfriend is feeling left out :('. So while it's not as bad as it was, it's still there. It's just now no longer AS socially acceptable.

So I think I understand why it took me so long. I think my mind was trying to protect me from all of this. Because although being Lesbian feels like home, I feel even more invisible. Bisexuals always were joking about being 'invisible', but as a Lesbian I feel like I don't even exist. I'm on another plane of reality. If I try to stick my head out there and make myself visible I am shamed, ridiculed, second guessed, invalidated. I see it happening everywhere, every damn day.

I see it in the shitty wlw fic ratio in nearly every fandom on Ao3. I see it in Lesbian Day of Visibility being so quiet on Tumblr that I missed it. I see it in the comments section of a relationship columnist who also came to her own realisation about being lesbian late, being told she 'just needs to find the right man' to fuck her right, she's not a lesbian! Fucking a man is the solution - even though she was married and in a het relationship for years. Even as she fights back with studies showing how wide the gender orgasm gap is.

Everywhere I turn, I am told I am not valid. That my opinions don't matter. That my preferences aren't real because a man isn't involved in some way, and it's only for THEIR entertainment when it is acceptable. I see lesbian spaces filling with bisexuals and transgender women and little lesbian voices left. I hesitate to write the last sentence because I know of the ire I could invoke by simply stating that.

I love being Lesbian. It feels like home. But I'm in an empty house with cracked windows and if I make the slightest noise someone throws a bottle through the window at me. I feel unsafe, scared, belittled, isolated and so, so fucking alone. I don't feel proud. I almost wish I could go back to being Bisexual. But it doesn't work that way. I can't keep pretending I'm something I'm not anymore, that has taken up and destroyed so much of my life and health over the years. And the idea of going back, trying to bring men back into focus feels physically disgusting. I spent 10 years in a het relationship, I think I gave it a good go and it WASN'T FOR ME. And I shouldn't need to say I have dated or fucked a woman for that to be valid either.

I don't know where I'm going with this. All I know is I feel like shit and I don't even know where or how the find people to help me through this. And it fucking hurts.

[medusapelagia]

It rains

I’m I good at dealing with grief? Absolutely not. That’s why I should probably pay a therapist but instead, I wrote a very depressing little Steddie fic!

This is your warning.

TW: death, funerl, grief, sorrow, emotional pain, parent’s death

The day Mary Margaret Harrington dies it rains.

This is the only thing Steve is sure of. All the rest is a blur.

He knows that someone called him, that he answered his phone, and that his husband rushed to him, helping him sit on their second-hand couch while gently trying to pry open his hand that is still holding the phone.

It rains, and the water drops bounce on their terrace. The sound of the rain was always so comforting to Steve, but this time he doesn't feel safe and protected, he feels naked and raw.

It rains, and Robin's jacket is wet on the side when she hugs him, reassuring him that she is there and that they are going to go through this together as they always did. Her wife, Chrissy, must be somewhere with Eddie because he can't feel his husband's presence hovering over him but he knows that he can't be far.

It rains l, and it's the perfect rain.

The drops aren't too thin or too big.

They are the right amount to justify the use of an umbrella without bothering too much.

It rains, and the windshield wipers move from one side to the other, while the soft sound of the heating fills the air. Eddie has tried to make small talk but in front of Steve's stubborn silence he gave up and now he is driving in the traffic jam in silence, doing his best not to complain or insult the other drivers.

It rains, and Steve has a black suit in his bag, the one he wore on his wedding day. It feels a little bit tight but they didn't have the time to buy another one.

It rains, and they get to Steve's old house and Lauren, his mother's personal assistant, gives him a list with his mother's last wishes.

It rains, and Steve doesn't have to think while he gives his credit card to the woman to buy the exact nuance of roses his mother asked for, he doesn't have to think when he pays for the coffin that his mother chose, he doesn't have to think when he finds a letter with his funeral discourse written on it.

It rains, and Steve feels empty while moving from one place to another without really knowing what he is doing, his husband a step back but always at his side.

It rains when the funeral home comes to take the coffin.

It rains when they get to the church.

It rains during the funeral party.

It rains when all those unnamed people dressed in black say their goodbyes and hug him tight.

It rains when Steve closes the door behind Robin's back, the last person to leave.

It rains when he falls to the ground howling.

It rains when his husband holds him tight, whispering sweet nonsense in his ears, grounding him with his presence, praising him, and offering him comfort at the same time.

It rains when the dam opens and all the tears fall from Steve's eyes

It rains when he thinks about all the time lost, all the incomprehension, all the pain.

It rains when Eddie drags him to bed, makes him a chamomile, and gives him something to help him sleep.

It doesn't rain when Steve opens his eyes, surprised to find himself in his old room.

It doesn't rain when he finds a letter on his desk.

It doesn't rain when he opens it and finds a picture of his mother taken the day of his wedding, the same wedding she was determined not to attend.

It doesn't rain when he reads the words that his mother never told him. She asks for forgiveness and gives him her blessing

He cries, silently, and those words feel like a balm on an open wound.

They sound like peace.