#but I feel like because of so much work and writing the character Billy became less good than the original

[klvm0nn]

Rewritten lore of Attica…..anytime soon…..

[isa-beenme]

I'm currently writing three things at the same time, but I felt a need to write something sad, something to break my heart and break all of you along, I can't be sad alone, thank you

The plot is basically: every bat boy's mate deal with depression in a different way, or "three different approaches of depression to three different brothers" (I felt so funny when I thought about this one)

So... do we want a part 2?

Trigger Warning: Self-destructive thoughts, depression

Prompt: Prythian saw the way that Rhysand's mate fell into depression but tried her best to get better. They saw the way that Cassian's mate fell into depression and turned it into pure anger and self-destruction. But... what if Azriel's mate simply... doesn't care?

What Was I Made For?

Sometimes I wish I didn't exist.

Not in the sense that I want to die. Far from it. I dread the thought of my own death. If I stop and imagine what happens afterward, I feel on the verge of panicking. Not death. Never death.

However, I like to think about how everything would be so much easier if I simply didn't exist. The number of responsibilities I could just let go of. The countless times I wouldn't have to rush and cry out of despair for feeling so useless would simply diminish. I would be so happy if I didn't exist.

I started thinking about this when I was 14.

It's been 500 years, and I remain the same.

Five hundred whole years where I feel inclined to ask the Mother to not exist.

But I do exist.

And that's what intrigues me.

I don't know who I am, and I just can't find something I like. There's nothing that keeps me here. Really.

That scares me.

A lot.

I mean, I spent my whole life studying in the Day Court, participating in politics, and learning from the High Lord Helion himself. I was supposed to be his successor. But then Lucien came into the scene and I became his spare. Or second in command. Works the same.

My objective was easy enough, everything I knew, I should teach him. And I did. We had fun. I guess. And then his father made a party to invite his "friends" for a celebration. He told me they weren't really his friends. I understood that feeling.

The Inner Circle of the Night Court sat across from us at the table. It didn't take long for the mating bond to snap between me and the Shadowsinger. The celebration became even bigger when he smiled at me.

And I smiled back.

I mean, how couldn't I, right? He seemed gentle and caring and his face was very pleasant to look at.

He courted me. He flirted, sent gifts, and traveled to the Day Court's capital every often to see me. I'm not sure what love means but I'm pretty sure it's something close to what I felt inside of me every time he looked into my eyes and smiled.

And yet, I feel I could not exist and it wouldn't change a thing.

But if I could make him happy maybe I would understand everyone's desire to be alive. I would understand what it is like to fight for your own life with the necessity to live another day.

That's why I accepted the mating bond.

We had a party. A dinner. A house. Vacations. Damn, the tower of gifts we had to open after almost three weeks of pure sex took me a month.

And yet, I feel I could not exist and it wouldn't change a thing.

We moved to Velaris. My role in the Day Court was long forgotten. I mean, I just said I don't care about anything, how could I care about a job I had just because I was good at it?

Being good at something doesn't mean I really need to live for it.

If so, I would be a dancer. Because I'm amazing at it, I have trophies, experience, and talent. But I'm not a dancer.

If so, I would be an actress. Because I'm amazing at it, I participated in hundreds of pieces, and interpreted tons of characters. But I'm not an actress.

If so, I would be a cook. Because I'm amazing at it, I'm the one in charge of making every meal and every cake for people's birthdays. But I'm not a cook.

If so, I would be a warrior. But I'm not a warrior.

If so, I would be a painter. But I'm not a painter.

If so, I would be a singer. But I'm not a singer.

If so, I would be a seamstress. But I'm not a seamstress.

And when I came to Velaris, almost two years ago I became Azriel's mate. And I hate it.

We easily fell into a routine with his Inner Circle. And now, there's no family that makes me want to keep on living. In fact, most of the time I feel even more exhausted when I'm with my family. Or Azriel's family, if I'm being real.

I feel suffocated by an enthusiasm and freedom I can't keep up with. My family isn't bad, not by a long shot, and certainly not up close. They are great. They stand up for the right causes, love to have fun, and are very liberal about any topic.

Except when the topic is me.

I'm the newest but also the oldest among all the female mates. And that kind of put me on a pedestal I never asked for. Something like: "If she did it, you could too, Feyre"; or else: "Even she couldn't do it, Nestha, don't worry about it"; I'm not a unit of measurement, but sometimes it feels like I'm nothing more than that.

Except when I'm with Lucien. He is the exception to the rule of 'I feel suffocated within the family circle'. I'm his favorite friend, obviously, but that's not the reason why we are so good together. He understands me and seems to grasp the feeling of not wanting to exist, even though we've never talked about it. So, he just exists by my side. And that's exactly what I need.

I don't worry about depression.

Or should I?

I am happy. Truly happy.

Not that people with depression aren't happy.

They must be.

I hope they are.

But sometimes I imagine myself going to a healer's office and pouring out everything I feel. But I never know where to start. So, I stop imagining.

I'm usually happy. Very happy. And this happens with my friends. Or anywhere away from my family. Everyone annoys me in some way. Except for Lucien.

Even when I'm alone, I feel extremely happy. Especially when I'm alone. Whenever I'm alone.

I actually hate studying. Which is basically my job.

But if that means staying away from my family, I seriously consider doing volunteer work at the Library during vague hours. Get a full-time job. Anything to keep me away. And contrary to expectations, I don't feel bad about thinking this way. I don't care.

And that scares me even more.

I don't care, and I don't react. Sometimes, I fall into a vast abyss of overwhelming emptiness, unable to separate reality from what's happening in my mind. I don't feel inclined to react with jokes or anything else. I don't care if they argue with me, yell, speak ill of me in the room next door, or debate on how to 'punish' me when I'm three steps away on the sidewalk.

It doesn't matter.

Nothing matters.

I've made my friends cry trying to prove a point I believe is right. It doesn't matter.

I've cried in front of friends so they'd accept what I was saying. It doesn't matter.

I also have the terrible habit of always wanting to be right. In everything. It doesn't matter if I'm wrong, it doesn't matter if someone will get hurt. I ALWAYS have to be right.

Sometimes I imagine I'm going too far in this abyss to the point of hurting myself. Or others.

And here's another characteristic of mine. I imagine too much. Most likely, I have three or four books written somewhere in my room. But I don't feel inclined to publish them or continue writing. It was just a phase. Just like everything else.

Just like my mating bond with Azriel. I love him, but… I'm not like the High Lord's or the General's mates. They… live for them.

I mean, Feyre is an amazing person, she's such a sweetheart. But as High Lady? I swear, she's more like a city mayor than anything else, she can barely read a full sentence without getting a headache from too much effort.

And Nestha? What a fearless female. She's amazing! But being the General of the Valkyries? Come on. They can't possibly think that, just because they cut a miserable string, they are actually able to fight as a battalion. Right?

Maybe I'm mean for thinking like that. Maybe I'm stupid. Or hateful. Or fake. Or cruel.

So I never say anything.

I keep imagining them. Every day.

It's fun.

Sometimes I like Azriel more than I like myself.

But I like most people more than I like myself.

Sometimes I hate myself.

Sometimes I like myself.

There's a thin line between my two states of mind.

Sometimes I think it's my fault.

Sometimes I think it's my mate's fault.

I don't feel bad about hating him whenever I feel anger spread through me. He also triggers the emptiness in my chest sometimes. He can be annoying with all his senseless conversations. The way he lives his life annoys me even more. Because he can do everything.

He's Azriel, the Shadowsinger, the Spymaster, the poor thing, the one who didn't grow up in a good place, the cute one, the funny one, the pretty one, the hot one, the smart one, the-

I don't know.

If I let the anger get me it will soon vanish. Just like every other feeling I ever let myself have.

You know the feeling of losing something you never knew you actually cared about? That's how I feel about my freedom. Not that Azriel took my freedom meaning that he restrains what I do or like I miss my single life (if I'm being honest I was never a lover to no one, Azriel was my second or third). But this bond took it from me.

I used to float around, doing different things every single day, but now I just fall down and down and down into my inner abyss. I could've been a dancer, an actress, a cook, a warrior, a painter, a singer, or a seamstress because I had the freedom to try it. Maybe I don't want to live for it but I want to live with it. Now I'm… his mate.

I used to know I was empty, but I'm not sure now that this bond keeps flooding itself with love and fear and pain and happiness.

I don't know what I was made for.

I don't know how to feel secure. But I wanna try. I don't know how to feel truly happy. But someday I might… Someday I might… try.

When did it all end? All the enjoyment. All the feelings.

It doesn't matter.

None of this matters.

Since I was 14, nothing matters.

And I wouldn't mind just not existing.

But I want to know what I was made for.

That's why I'm leaving.

[dorkydegeneracy]

Like whatever character y'all want! That is the beauty of TV and other forms of visual arts: it's all up to interpretation.

I do think it is fair to say that maybe we as a collective read a bit too much into Eddie's bachelor party interactions with Tommy. Which is fine. It happens. Can we just be wrong?

Tommy and Eddie were canonically friends before BuckxTommy became a thing (tho Eddie beat him by like a week). The implication was that Eddie and Tommy get along. We even all said that Eddie and Tommy have lots in common when BiBuck became a thing, which is why Buck's feelings are misplaced.

All of that is to say, it is perfectly reasonable for both Eddie and Tommy to find Buck's fascination with supernatural phenomena to be ridiculous.

The difference is in the way that both men respond to Buck tizzing out. Nothing about Eddie's reactions in the episode were out of character (we've all seen Jinx, right?). Eddie is incredibly sassy and petty. I'll even go as far as to say that none of Tommy's reactions when in the presence of both Eddie and Buck were questionable. Eddie and Tommy are friends, they have some things in common, and they are feeding off of each other's disbelief.

Now, I do find the whole bedtime scene between Buck and Tommy to be suspect. Besides the fact that they are both sleeping in the living room when there is a perfectly good bed upstairs for at least one of them (Sidenote: This was a CHOICE by the writers that makes little sense to me. The only thing that this implies to me is that they are not sleeping together: which, okay. Am I supposed to take this as an indication that because they aren't sleeping together this relationship won't work? Because that's how I'm taking it.), Tommy basically begging Buck to STFU about Billy Boils while he is sleeping on Buck's couch is just a bad look. Like I get the implications that Tommy is staying to "take care" of his boyfriend but that wasn't really necessary. And even if his ramblings annoy him can't he just be like "Babe, I know that you are really interested, but I'm ready to call it a night. Maybe tomorrow?" Or go and sleep in the bed that is above your fucking heads and let Buck, a grown ass man, stay up doing his fucking research. Your not his fucking father, and he doesn't even have to go to work the next day.

So everything about that scene I think can fairly be read as a knock on Tommy and may evolve into a problem for them moving forward. Or not! I don't write the show.

I do think that the show is basically retconning Tommy's past behavior when at the 118. Which, if that bothers you that's fine. In real life, I can understand not forgiving someone for similar conduct. I am personally a believer that people can grow and make amends for their past, but racial insensitivity and other forms of bigotry or ignorance are harder for people to forgive and forget. In the context of a TV show however, if the characters don't seem to have a problem with the behavior, then it's basically a non-issue.

You can stop watching the show if it offends your personal moral fibre and politics. Hell, you can be frustrated that the showrunners decided to make this narrative choice. But why would anybody be upset at somebody else for just not liking Tommy Kinard, or liking him for that matter? There is no moral superiority in hating a character whose past actions, while not acceptable, have been retconned. Inversely, there are other things about Tommy Kinard that I think are fair criticisms that make him unlikeable, and if I don't jive with TK that's okay.

I think we should all just take a breath.

[medusapelagia]

The restless sea calls back to you - Harringrove Mermaid AU [NSFW]

I'm super in love with this fic and I want to clarify that it's super self-indulgent! I love it because it all started with this beautiful picture, and I love it because that's how I became friend with @lemonhitsu and I had a great time plotting with them and I am very grateful to them for allowing me to use their art as inspiration and for trusting me even if the first story I was writing was not good enough and I had to start back from scratches.😅 I want to thank Lemon for the fun and the incredible support! Nothing of this could have been possible without you! Thank you so much for being so kind and supportive and holding my hand when I was feeling low! 💜 And a special thanks to @applewillowstone and @spaceofentropy for helping me doing some research about monster sex!

That said, I wish everyone a happy holiday season and I am sharing with you this fic which is the present I made for myself and I hope you will like it! Please mind the tags!

Rating: Explicit Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Merpeople, Merpeople, Merperson Billy Hargrove, mermaid trainer Neil Hargrove, Aquariums, Violence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Sex Change, mermaid trainer Steve Harrington, Murder, Murder Mystery, mention of past Non con with original character, Anal Sex, Human/Monster Romance, Eventual Smut, Blow Jobs, Blood and Injury, Sex, Slow Burn, They/them prononun, Angst with a Happy Ending, Light Angst, Angst and Feels, Enemies to Lovers, Monster sex, Switch Steve Harrington, Steve Harrington Has Bad Parents, POV Steve Harrington, No Beta Read

And because AO3 is not working... get ready for 15k words under the cut!

Steve sighs as soon as his alarm goes off.

He has been working at the Birch Aquarium for a couple of weeks and all his enthusiasm has already died.

He was so happy when they called him back to take the place of the actual mermaid trainer, but two weeks of working with Billy were enough to make him regret his choice.

The blond merman is the biggest pain in the ass ever. He never does what the trainer requests of him and is always glaring and hissing at Steve like a feral cat. The boy has learned on his skin that there is a reason why everyone tells you to not go near an angry mermaid without wearing protection.

Mermaids are rare but not uncommon, the biggest aquariums in the world have at least one, and Steve’s aquarium was so lucky to have a baby mermaid that now became a beautiful merboy.

Steve remembers the day he decided he was going to become a trainer. It was the day his parents brought him to see the baby mermaid that was the main attraction of the aquarium. If he closes his eyes he can still see the little mermaid hiding behind some big black rocks, his little red tail barely visible between the rocks.

A kid punched the glass, trying to get the attention of the little mermaid and Steve saw for a moment a pair of ocean blue eyes big and terrified, and from that day on, every time his parents left him with a new babysitter he asked to go to the aquarium until finally, one day, when Steve and the babysitter were the only visitors of the aquarium, he caught a glimpse of the little merboy. They stared at each other through the glass for a long moment and then a man called a name and dragged the merboy away with a big fishnet. Steve turned toward his babysitter, Angela, and asked her who that man was and she told him that he was the mermaid's trainer.

“So he plays with mermaids all day?”

“It’s a job, Steve, I don’t think that he plays a lot, but yes, he spends his time with the mermaids.”

Now that he is changing in the locker room, Steve is regretting for the umpteenth time having been so adamant about wanting to become a trainer. He sighs. He can’t quit. His father told him really clearly that if he is not able to keep the job he will cut him out once and for all.

Fuck.

He wears the diving suit and gets into the swimming pool where Neil is already waiting for him.

“Go catch him.” He tells him, throwing him a spiked collar. Steve looks at the object with disgust.

“Still too naive, new boy? That monster could kill you in more ways than you think and he is not cooperative, you should know that by now.”

Steve nods, he has a red cut on his forearm that the merboy gave him on his first day, so now he wears the protection every time he has to get to Billy’s tank.

The merboy is brushing his blond curls with his long fingers while resting on a rock, half of his big red tail still in the water.

“Still here, pretty boy? Didn’t I scare you enough?”

“It’s just a scratch.”

Billy smirks “No, it is not, but I appreciate that you came here to bring me lunch. Be so kind and bring it to me.”

Steve knows better than to lean toward the water so close to the merboy so he throws him a couple of fish.

“So stupid. How do you think you can convince me to put on your collar if you already gave me the food?” Billy asks, reaching for the fish that is floating on the surface and tearing a big chunk.

“Asking you kindly?”

Billy bursts out in a laugh “You are funny, I’ll give you that.” The merboy replies, resting on a big rock “Not smart, but funny.”

“Come on, the pool is bigger than your tank and you need to swim more freely or your tail could atrophy.”

“Oh, so that’s it. You are worried for me. No other motives, right?”

Steve sighs “You know that the aquarium is not doing too well, they want to use you as an attraction to sell more tickets, is that a bad thing? I mean, they are still the ones that pay for your food, and your tank, and that make sure that you are healthy and…”

“How kind of them, isn't it? The owners of the aquarium care about my wellbeing so I should repay them by doing some stupid tricks in front of an audience? No, thanks.” The blond merboy replies disgusted.

“A lot of mermaids do stupid tricks in aquariums and they have fun! Maybe you will have fun too?”

“Have you ever been in a tank, Harrington?” The merboy asks, glaring at him.

The boy sighs “You know I have.”

“I’m not talking about giving a walk in the tanks to clean something or sedate some big fish, I’m talking about living in captivity. What do you call it… Oh yes! Living in prison! And be grateful to your captors because they feed you and make sure you are healthy.” Billy glares at him and Steve blushes.

“I know that is not the most perfect place to be but it’s not too bad, you should admit it.”

Some smugglers kidnap mermaids to sell them as expensive pets to rich assholes and only god knows what they do with those poor creatures.

“Have you ever spent a day with Neil? He is no fun either.” The sea creature retorts.

Steve shouldn’t talk badly about his supervisor, but everyone knows that Hargrove has a very impetuous nature and sometimes he gets violent even toward the animals, but especially toward Billy.

“You should try to do what he asks from you for once, maybe he will stop hurting you.” Steve tries to suggest.

Hargrove is no fool, he hits the merboy when no one can see him and he makes sure not to leave any bruises behind.

“Thank you for your kind advice, Harrington, I’m sure everything will be so much better now that you told me exactly how to act when I have to deal with a fucking psychopath!”

“He is not…” but Steve doesn’t have time to finish the sentence that Hargrove is back in the tank.

“What the hell are you doing? It’s not tea time! Get the stupid collar around his neck and come back to the pool. Where is the fish?”

Billy grins, licking his lips “It was delicious, Neil. Thanks.”

“You gave him the fish? Are you fucking stupid, Harrington?! How the fuck do you think to get him off that stupid rock?” The man asks, pinching his nose.

“With some persuasion?”

“This!” Hargrove yells, showing the collar “This is the kind of persuasion that Billy understands and now it’s too far from the shore so you get into the tank and drag him to the pool or I’ll make sure you get fired!” And to clarify the concept he grabs Steve and pushes him into the water without the scuba cylinders or the regulators.

Steve was co-captain of the swimming team but he knows too well that Billy could drag him down and drown him if he wanted to, that’s why every time he gets into the water he makes sure to have the scuba cylinders with him, but now it’s too late, he has his back turned and he knows that the merboy is going to attack him. He tries to regulate his breath and to feel the water break as the merboy reemerges.

As he was expecting the merboy tries to drag him down, but Steve has the lucidity to close the collar against Billy’s throat and yank it hard against the gills the merboy has hidden on his neck.

The sea creature shrieks and releases his grip, freeing Steve who resurfaces and gets back on shore coughing.

“Good job, Harrington. Next time try not to lose all this time.” Hargrove states “I’ll wait for you in the swimming pool.”

Steve takes some deep breaths while the merboy resurfaces glaring at him.

“Come on, Billy. Don’t make me activate it, I know that is already bad as it is.” Steve begs him, showing him the passage from the tank toward the swimming pool, and Billy gets in the pool, always hissing toward him.

Steve takes a look at his clock. Half past nine and he already barely escaped death. Not bad. It could be his new record.

***

When the training ends Steve brings Billy back to his tank. The merboy is tired and he has red bruises where Neil hurt him.

“You ok?” It’s a stupid question, Steve knows that, but he can’t avoid it.

“Are you worried about me, Harrington? How sweet.” The merboy replies, licking his sharp teeth “Maybe next time you’ll get into my tank I’ll keep you.”

“Fuck you, Billy!”

“Are you proposing, pretty boy?”

It’s just their usual bickering but Steve can feel that his cheeks are blushing.

“Oh, so you do have a crush on me. That makes so much sense: that’s why you are obsessed with me. Don’t worry, pretty boy, I’m not going to fuck you… at least not as you are thinking, but I’ll keep fucking with you because it’s the funniest thing that I can do in this stupid place.” Billy replies and then he gets underwater, while Steve stares at his big red tale covered in shimmering scales.

“He has an attitude, I’ll give him that.” Hargrove says appearing from nowhere “But stay away from him. He is still a mermaid and even if he hasn’t had the time to learn the songs from other mermaids he is still capable of convincing you to kill yourself in his tank. It would not be the first time.”

Steve stares at the old man “Did he… Did he kill someone? For real?”

The man nods, walking Steve toward the lockers “You are too young to remember, but there was another girl who trained with me years ago, pretty thing, red hair, sweet smile, the name was Susan. She was even more innocent than you are, she treated him like a kid, not like the monster he is, and one day when I got to the tank to feed him, he was underwater, holding Susan’s body into his arms.

Billy attacked me when I tried to take the dead body from his arms, and the authorities had him sedated and they were ready to put him down, but there was a petition against it and he was still the biggest attraction of the aquarium, so, in the end, they decided to keep him but they moved him to the tank where he is now, in a more secluded area and where no one else could get in a part from me and you, so pay attention if you don’t get killed during your first month of training.”

They are changing together for the first time and Steve sees many claws scars on Neil’s body “Did he…”

“Mermaids are like that. You have to pay attention every single second.” The man gets up “Listen, boy, I know that you don't like my way of training him, but you have to understand that he is not a pretty pet, he is a ferocious monster and our luck is that he was taken from his family too young so he doesn’t really know what he can do and how easy would be for him kill everyone.” Hargrove closes his bag “I don’t pretend that you agree with my method, but I want you to be conscious that he is a menace and you are the only person that stays between him and the visitors. Think about yourself like a sort of paladin. That’s what I do.” They are looking each other in the eyes when Neil asks him “Wouldn’t you do what you can to protect the people you care for?” And then he leaves Steve alone with even more questions.

***

The conversation he had with Neil opened his eyes: the old man is right, the mermaids are dangerous and he was a fool thinking that with some kindness and some fish he could have convinced Billy to do what he wanted.

“Raise and shine, Billy. Are you ready to jump throught some hoops today?” Steve enters the tank but Billy is not on his favorite rock. He looks around and he can’t see him. The merboy is too big to hide in the tank, but from the surface, Steve can’t see where he is hiding, so he takes his equipment and, with a sigh, he gets into the water.

The water is full of colorful fish that quickly swim away as soon as the boy gets closer, he swims toward the rocks when something shining attracts his attention, mermaids are famous for having a passion for shiny things. Steve gets closer to the big rock, the same where the little mermaid used to hide, and reaches out for the shiny thing when he sees it, the big red tail.

In a moment Billy is in front of him, yelling with a voice that has no words but that gets directly into Steve’s mind even if they are in the water.

Steve shakes his head, ripping off his mask and his scuba regulator, trying to free himself from Billy’s tight grip screaming in his head, then he opens his mouth to breathe. Underwater.

***

“Boy? Are you with me? Harrington?”

Steve coughs, holding for dear life to the person who is speaking to him.

“Harrington? Steve?” The voice calls him again, urging an answer.

Steve pukes some water “Fine. I’m fine.”

The man’s grip relaxes while Steve tries to take some deep breaths.

“What happened?”

“You told me! I saw in the security monitor that you got in the tank, next thing I know that monster was holding you underwater and you were drowning.”

“Billy… where is Billy?”

“Oh, he is lucky if they don’t decide to sell him even sooner.” Hargrove hisses.

“Se… Sell him?” Steve asks, still coughing.

“You must have seen that he is no good with little tricks and his care it’s expensive, the owners of the aquari will sell him sooner than later, but after he tried to kill another trainer I don’t think any other aquarium will be willing to buy him.”

“He didn’t try to drown me.” Steve tries to protest and Hargrove looks at him with pity.

“He messed with your head. Didn’t he?” The man looks at the pool “I knew it! They should have cut his vocal cords when I suggested it but no, animal rights activists said that it was too cruel. Cruel. Wasn’t it cruel to let him drown Susan? Or you?”

Steve shakes his head, trying to concentrate even if he is too confused at the moment. Did Billy try to kill him? He can’t remember what happened, just that he saw something shining on the floor of the tank, something that didn’t belong to the aquarium.

“Come with me, I’ll drive you to the hospital.” Neil says, helping the boy stand up.

“I’m ok… I don’t need to go to the hospital.”

The old man stares at Steve, then he helps him back to the lockers “Take a hot shower and change back, you and I are going to have a little chat.”

Steve nods, confused, it’s the first time that he sees Neil worried. Did Billy really try to kill him?

Steve knows that some mermaids have the ability to use their voice to manipulate fish, it’s how they hunt: some of them sing to the fish and the others capture them, but he never knew that they could do something to humans’ minds. And how does Neil know it? He has indeed been a trainer for years but if the mermaids were able to manipulate people someone would have said something, right?

The hot water helps him relax and when he gets back to Neil, all this terrible adventure seems just a bad dream.

"Sit down." Neil says, holding a cup of tea, and Steve sits in front of him.

"A few years ago there was a lovely girl who wanted to be a mermaid trainer like me. Her name was Susan. Susan was a dreamer, just like you, she didn't like to use the collar, just like you, and she was convinced that mermaids needed better care than the one we were providing.

Billy was just a baby fish at the time and I guessed she thought about him like a baby, but not like a baby monster. You see, all mermaids are dangerous, but some of them are more dangerous than others."

"What does it mean?"

Neil sighs, sipping some coffee "It means that some of them can emit some frequency that can drive you crazy, convincing you to do things you would never do in your right mind. And our boy, well he is one of those."

"How do you know it?"

Neil raises his elbow and replies "I always suspected it. Billy used to play with the fish and the water horses in his tank but he was clever, he only did it by night. Fish don't really sleep, you know? And so do mermaids. But one night I caught him playing with the fish. They were making shapes for him, not the classic shape of a school of fish, the kind he was asking them to do, and I swear to god that I heard him giggle."

Steve closes his eyes, concentrating on the hot cup between his hands. He knows exactly what Neil is talking about. He saw those shapes. Or even worse, he showed those shapes to Billy on one of those days when he and his babysitter were the only people in the aquarium and the girl was too busy chatting on his phone. And Billy made a square of fish for him.

How could he forget that?

"Well, making shapes with fish doesn't sound so dangerous."

"Yeah. Until he doesn't decide that he is tired of making squares and circles and he decides to attack you with some sharks." Neil lifts his eyes to meet Steve's "That's what happened to Susan. He convinced her to get into the tank and the shark attacked her. When we were able to recover the body the merboy was holding it so tight that there were little red punctures made from his claws in her skin."

Steve gulps, trying to keep his heart beating under control "What happened?"

"The coroner said that she fell into the tank and drowned before the sharks attacked her, but I think that he ordered her to jump into the tank and then he kept her there until she was out of breath, then he tried to cover his tracks by ordering the sharks to eat her."

"What about the security cameras?"

Neil smirks "There was a big storm that night. The security cameras were off." Neil gets up "Finish your tea and go home."

"But we still have training..."

"After what I saw I don't think they are going to keep him for long. If you really want to be a mermaid trainer, is it better if you apply to another aquarium." the man replies, leaving Steve alone in the relax area with the quiet hum of the refrigerator in the background.

***

Having the day suddenly free, Steve goes to the local library to do some research. He could go back home but he doesn't want to see her mother's disappointed look when she will ask him why he is at home so soon.

He was her perfect little boy until he started to attend high school and started to party every weekend.

It is not his fault if his parents were always away on some business trip and he hated being home alone! That's how he started drinking and smoking and his grades got worse and worse.

His mother decided to come back after the night he almost fall into an alcohol-induced coma and ended up on the first page of the local newspaper, fucking up his image as the perfect golden boy and definitely fucking up the future his parents were dreaming for him.

Steve hasn't drunk a single drop of alcohol since then, but that doesn't mean that his mother stopped to smell his breath every single time he doesn't respect the schedule so, no thanks, public library it is.

He gets to one of the old computers that has nothing to do with his Mac, he even searches for some link from his smartphone and then he copies the link on the computer to read it more easily.

The first information he looks for is about Neil Hargrove.

His Facebook page has very little information about him, on his profile picture Neil is holding a rifle, he is fifty-nine, if the birth date is correct, and ex-marine with a penchant for weapons.

The profile picture is an old one, as Steve sees as he enlarges the images, he is smiling, standing next to a bullseye, with a cigarette on the side of his mouth while holding a big rifle.

Steve searches for more information and finds a little blurb about his departed wife and how he left the marine and became a mermaid trainer to stay close to her when she got sick.

Perfect husband and perfect citizen, or so it seems. He even rescued his old neighbor from the fire.

A hero, practically.

Then Steve starts to look for Susan.

Even if he doesn't know her surname it's easy to find her given the information he has: Susan Mayfair, twenty-five, a degree in marine biology and a passion for mermaids, deceased after being attacked by sharks while cleaning their tank.

Not exactly what Neil said.

Steve looks for more information and finds an old Instagram page still open. All the pictures are old, and the latest are some selfies she took at the aquarium. There are some old penguin tanks that after the renovations have been moved to another section of the aquarium, and there are a lot of Billy's pictures.

He looks like a human kid, he couldn't be older than ten, maximum twelve, they are playing in the water, Susan is winking behind her mask and Billy's red tail emerges from the water.

In another Susan's hand is holding what looks like an aluminum can tab, the caption says "My prince gave me an engagement ring".

Steve snorts, who the hell would give an aluminum can tab to a twenty-five-year-old girl as an engagement ring? He keeps looking at the pictures and the answer gets too easy: a kid would. Or, to be more precise, a merkid.

Steve keeps looking at the pictures, trying to find any evidence, any sign that Billy is the monster Neil talked about, but all he can see is a happy little fish, playing with the person who took care of him.

He is still looking through the picture when something gets his attention. Something shining in the background, something that he had seen before but didn't understand what it was.

A dog tag.

A military dog tag.

***

This is the worst idea Steve has ever had, even worse than the time he and Tommy decided to jump from Steve’s window into the pool and almost kill themselves in the making.

Steve has a badge that allows him entrance to the aquarium at any time and he knows the night guard, all he has to do is tell Jim that he forgot something in the lockers, and he will not ask any questions, maybe he will mumble something about how he should pay more attention, but he will not stop him, not until it will be too late.

Steve passes his badge and the backdoor of the aquarium opens with a slam that in the silence of the night reverberates like a gunshot.

“Who's there?” The chubby guard asks, walking toward the door with the hand ready over his gun and a frosted donut in the other hand.

“Jim. Hi. I’m Steve. Sorry to bother but I forgot my… my wallet in the locker.” He says, trying to remain calm under the sight of the armed guard.

“Your wallet uh?”

“Yeah. You know… I’m so messy sometimes.”

The man gets closer “So you forgot your wallet. Here.”

Steve shivers for a moment when he repeats “Yeah. My wallet.”

The man is so close that he can smell coffee in his breath.

“I see. Do you want me to get it for you?”

Shit! He didn’t think about that! What now?

“No. It’s fine, I can get it.”

“Are you sure? I know you had a hard day.”

“A hard day?” Steve asks, confused.

“Neil told me about the mermaid. It’s a little piece of shit that one: he keeps turning the camera in his tank so I can’t see shit! But if he thinks I’m going to get inside and let him fucking kill me he is fucking wrong! I’m not going to get close to that monster!”

“He is… he is not a monster.” Steve tries to protest but his voice sounds unsure even to his own ears.

“Are you sure you are ok? It’s not the… mermaid thing? Neil said that they can convince you to do what they want… Oh god. Are you under a spell?”

Steve quickly shakes his head “No, no spell, just a little bit shocked to be honest, but I need my home keys.”

Jim glares at him “I thought you were looking for your wallet.”

Shit!

“Yeah! I’m looking for my wallet because I have the electronic key that opens my house in my wallet, but I call it my home key, you know?”

The man raises an eyebrow “Fancy rich shit, uh?”

“Obviously.” Steve replies with a smile so fake that his cheeks hurt.

The man stares at him for a moment and then he tilts his head “Go, but be quick. I don’t want any problems.”

Steve nods and rushes toward the locker room, he knows that there are no cameras either in the locker room or in the passages behind the tank with access limited to the dedicated staff, when they have to move from one tank to the other, and if Billy’s camera is not working he has at least twenty minutes: not enough time to change and to take all his equipment but Steve was always the best one at free diving. He wears the wet suit and runs toward Billy’s tank, hoping that the mermaid is asleep somewhere.

Mermaids never really sleep, not like humans in any case, they just rest, so Steve really hopes that he is lucky enough that Billy is resting and not ready to attack him.

When he gets into the tank he looks toward the rocks where the merboy usually rests but doesn’t see him anywhere. He takes a few deep breaths, trying to expand his lungs to their maximum; he hasn’t weight around his waist but it’s not too deep, he should be able to get to the floor easily enough, and if he is lucky he will manage to get behind the little rock without disturbing Billy.

Steve dives in, his sight concentrated on the tank floor and on the little rock he saw that morning. He knows that Billy is there somewhere and that he probably felt the water vibration when he dived in but he really hopes that he will be quicker than him.

All Steve’s hope crashes when he sees the merboy swimming rapidly toward him screaming something in the water but Steve has come too far to stop now, he reaches out his hand and catches the shiny thing, military dog tag, and turns it to see the name of the owner, but Billy is screaming pushing Steve against the glass wall.

Steve screams something back, the stupidest idea ever, he realizes when he sees the bubble of air running toward the surface, fuck. He will drown. He has no time to get to the surface. He tries to swim toward the surface, his hands reaching up, but Billy is holding him and he can’t reach it. The boy lowers his eyes and Billy is in front of him, his blond curls waving in the water, so beautiful and so deadly.

But especially beautiful.

Steve is going to die so he finally does it: he slips his fingers in Billy’s golden locks, and now that they are so close he can see that Billy’s eyes aren’t blue. They have golden flakes near the pupil that he has never noticed before.

Billy’s eyes are the last thing that he will ever see and they are so fucking beautiful.

He is still lost in these thoughts when Billy pushes him against the glass wall so hard that he whimpers and in a moment Billy’s mouth is on his, kissing him. No. Not kissing him. Breathing into him!

Steve’s eyes widen, the mermaid is pushing air into his lungs, and then he takes him under his arm and drags him toward the surface.

“What the fuck Harrington! If you want to die go jump from a fucking bridge, don’t come to my tank!” The merboy complains, irritated.

Steve stares at him, touching his lips incredulously.

“You kissed me.”

“It’s not a kiss if you are almost dying. And I’m tired of saving your stupid life.” Billy replies looking at him with flaming eyes.

“What do you mean?”

“This morning? When you removed your regulator? Does it ring a bell?”

“I… I didn’t…”

“Oh, you fucking did. And you breathe water in, stupid moron, I had to push on your stupid chest and breathe air in your lungs. And you are back here, trying to kill yourself!” The merboy rebukes “Don’t you have a life? A girlfriend waiting for you somewhere?”

Steve shakes his head, then he asks “You gave me CPR? How do you…”

“Someone taught me.” The sea creature replies “She thought that I could have helped people one day. Be a lifeguard or something like that.”

“Susan?”

Billy turns his head for a moment, biting his lips as he was fighting with himself, before he hisses “Can you tell me what the fuck do you want from me? Do you want to prove that I am a monster? Is that it? I could have killed you!”

“I know.”

“So why the fuck are you here! And with no oxygen!”

“I didn’t have the time and I wanted to check on something.” Steve tries to explain.

“What?”

Steve opens his fist and shows him the metal tag in his hands.

“That’s mine! Give it back!”

“Can I read the name of the person who owned it?”

“What?”

“It’s a military dog tag.” Steve tells him “It’s a kind of microchip, like the one the dolphins have. They gave this to the people that were fighting in case… in case they die, so that someone could have brought it back to the family.”

“A name? This thing has a name on it?”

Steve nods and the mermaid uses his webbed hands to turn it but then looks at Steve ashamed “I can’t… I can’t read.”

Stupid Steve, Billy has spent all his life in a tank. How do you pretend he could read?!

“I could read it for you.”

“My mum gave it to me when I was a baby fish.” The blond merboy tells him, holding the tag so tight that his knuckles whiten “She said… she said it was my father’s…”

Steve stares at the merboy astonished “You mean… you mean that your father was human?”

Billy nods “That’s what mum said.”

“Where is she? Where is your mother?” Steve asks, getting closer.

“I don’t know. I was just a baby fish when they brought me away from her. That’s all I have.”

“You can hold it, I just need to turn it and read the name under the tag. Will you let me?”

Billy shivers, Steve has never seen him so nervous, he is usually sassy and sarcastic.

Steve gently pries Billy’s hand open and then turns the tag, gasping at the name.

***

The chestnut boy definitely doesn’t have the time to take a shower, so he changes back and runs toward the exit, hoping that Jim will be too busy looking at the last episode of his favorite series to check on him.

“Thanks, Jim! You saved me! Have a good night!” Steve says, while he keeps running toward the door.

“Hey, Steve, everything ok?” The guard asks him but Steve is almost at the door.

“Great! Have a nice night!” He tells him before closing the door behind him and taking a big breath of relief.

He can’t believe what happened: he got into the tank, Billy saved his life, apparently for the second time, and… they kissed. No, not kissed, he was just breathing air into his lungs, Steve repeats to himself trying to slow down his beating heart.

And that’s not even the most crazy thing.

The craziest thing is that Billy is half-human, like literary half-human, like… he has a human father. A father whose name is written on a metal tag that the merboy hid for years. A name that makes absolutely no sense, because if there is someone who seems to hate mermaids it is that man.

Steve gets home and gets in the shower, feeling the wet sensation of Billy’s plump lips on his. He shakes his head like a dog and a million tiny drops fly everywhere.

It wasn’t a kiss! It was a life-saving maneuver. And that’s not even the point! The point it’s that the name on that stupid tag is the one he suspected, but now that he knows that it’s Billy’s father's name he can’t believe that he was right.

He gets out of the shower and, still dripping water, gets to his computer, searching for every article about the aquarium, Billy, Susan, Neil, Jim, every person that he knows has worked at the aquarium, and he finally finds a very tiny article about Billy’s birth.

“Blue Ribbon at the Monterey Bay Aquarium. Nerea, a young little mermaid with beautiful blond hair, has given birth to a very healthy baby merboy. His name, William, was chosen by the visitors of the aquarium, but the staff of the aquarium affectionately calls him Billy.”

Nerea, the young blond mermaid, is looking with terror at the man who is holding her child in the picture.

And that man, it’s Neil Hargrove.

Steve searches for other information about Neil and quickly finds out that his wife's death and Billy’s birth are suspiciously close to one another and that the men left the aquarium when the veterinarians decided that the merboy was old enough to be sold to another aquarium.

Nerea, the young mermaid, died of sorrow a few weeks later.

Steve keeps searching on every website but there is no info about Billy or Neil after that, only a few news about Susan and her premature death, which was labeled as an incident.

Steve goes back to Susan’s Instagram page, searching for every image with the dog tag; there are just a few, in one of them the caption says “My little prince brought me to see his sacred treasure.”

Could Susan have known about Neil?

But how could she? No one knew that Billy was the son of a human and a mermaid.

Unless.

Unless Billy told her like he told Steve.

Holy fucking shit!

Steve looks at the clock, it is far too early and he knows he will not sleep, but he tries his best to rest a little, tomorrow will be a very interesting day.

***

When he enters the locker room Neil is already dressed in a wetsuit “Are you ready to go? Yesterday was a difficult day, I get it if you don’t want to train with him, especially now that you know that he is going to be sold.”

“And why is that? He seems like a unique specimen.” Steve says, feeling disgust for himself but trying to hide it.

“Because he is a monster, maybe?” The man replies sarcastically “Or because he is too stupid and stubborn to be trained? He is good looking but he definitely has no brain.”

Steve nods, wearing his wetsuit.

“You know, I read some articles about Billy last night. He was born at the Monterey Bay Aquarium, did you know that?” 

“Yes.” Hargrove replies.

“His mother died of sorrow when they took away her kid.”

“She probably got some infections during childbirth, they are like animals, Steve, they have no feelings.” Neil insists and Steve does his best to hide his repugnance.

“You worked there too, didn’t you?” The boy tries to make it sound like a casual question but, from the way Neil stiffens, Steve knows that he got the point just right.

“Are you implying something, kid?”

“No. Why should I? I just wanted to ask you how she was. If you were able to train her, maybe you can train Billy too.”

“Billy can’t be trained, I already told you. I tried everything. I tried to be kind, I tried to give him prizes, I tried to hurt him, he is indomitable.” The man growls.

Steve nods but he doesn’t think that it’s a bad thing because that’s exactly what Billy is: he is the biggest and scariest wave of the ocean, the one that can destroy an entire town, but that gives you so much adrenaline if you ride her.

Indomitable.

Sounds like a nice nickname, doesn’t it?

“That’s a pity. As we said, he is a beautiful specimen.”

Neil nods “There are places for creatures like him. Maybe they’ll find a way of making him more cooperative.”

Did Neil say the same to Susan?

Did they fight over Billy’s future?

Steve has no proof but he feels that Neil knows more about Susan's death than he is willing to tell him.

“Come on. No fish this time when you collar him. Show him who is the master.”

“Don't you think he will try to use his scary voice powers?”

“Only if you let him. That’s why we have the spiked collar. If he tries something you can activate it.”

“And what did Susan think about it?”

Neil glares at him “Why?”

“I don’t know. She seemed like a nice girl.”

“You have done an awful amount of research, Steve, I’m impressed. Are you studying for something in particular?” The man asks, glaring at him.

Steve keeps smiling innocently “I would like to find a new way to make the mermaids cooperate without hurting them.”

“That’s a nice idea but it’s not possible. How many times do I have to tell you that they are not like us? They are monsters. Free him somewhere and he will feed himself with human meat.”

Steve follows Neil toward the training pool, then he gets back in the tank where Billy is resting.

“No fish today, pretty boy? Are you offering yourself to be my lunch?”

“Nah, just wondering if you were in the mood for a little swim in the big pool.”

“I hate that fucking pool. And I hate that fucking man.” Billy’s eyes shine gold for a moment.

“Billy…”

“What?”

“Don’t do it.”

“I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“He has the collar. He will mute you and he will hit you.”

“Not if I hurt him first.”

“And then what? If you kill your trainer someone will put you down because you are too dangerous, do you understand that?!” Steve hisses, trying to resonate with the sea creature.

“Why the fuck do you care?” Billy growls.

Because I like you. Because I liked you since the first time I saw your little red tail waving in the water and your blue eyes pinned on me.

“Because you are a living creature and…”

“Go fuck your self Harrington!” Billy yells and then goes underwater.

Steve sighs, he shouldn’t have told Billy which name was written under the metal plate.

“Harrington! Where the fuck is my merboy?”

“He is tired. Can we try again tomorrow?”

“You are too soft, Harrington, you will never get him to do what you want!” The man yells and then he gets back to the tank where Billy is hiding “Get out of there! Stupid fish!” He yells again toward the water.

Steve understands what’s going to happen just a moment before it does.

Billy gets out of the water so fast that all that Steve sees is a blur of the red silhouette dragging the old trainer down with him.

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Billy! Don’t!” He screams, before diving in the water too.

Neil is trying to escape from Billy’s tight grip but Steve knows how strong the marine creature is, there is no chance that he will free himself without the spiked collar.

Steve swims closer to them trying to free the man but Billy’s screams in his mind.

Back off.

And Steve does, unable to resist the command in that voice.

He sees Neil stopping to struggle and finally stiffens, while Billy releases his hold on the man and gets closer to the boy.

Did you like kissing me so much?

The voice sings and then Billy’s lips are on Steve’s, breathing into him and dragging him toward the surface.

It takes a moment for Steve to come back to himself this time.

“How… how did you do it?”

“I sang.” He simply states, keeping Steve lying on his body while he lazily swims in his tank.

“Neil. You killed him.”

“I did.”

“They are going to put you down. You know that, right?”

Billy nods “I know, but when you told me the name I couldn’t… I couldn't resist anymore.”

“Resist?”

Billy nods “My mum. She said she didn’t want it, but he kept abusing her during her training, tiring her out so much that she wasn’t able to fight back. She always wore the collar, speaking was hard for her, but she told me what I needed to know, that I didn’t have to trust humans, and that I should take revenge for her. And I did.”

“I don’t want you to die.” Steve whispers.

“I know.”

“How do you know?”

“You are the only kid that came every fucking day for weeks. You are the one who showed me shapes. You are the one that promised me freedom. You are the one that lied to me.” Billy glares at him.

“I didn’t lie. I was just six. How could I have freed you?”

“I guess, maybe you didn’t lie. Maybe you finally freed me. Today.”

No, no, no, that’s not how he wanted things to go.

“I don’t want you to die.” Steve repeats feeling tears in his eyes.

“I don’t think there are other options, pretty boy.”

Steve is still lying on Billy’s stomach when he sees it, the sewage canal. Not the cleanest way to escape but…

He points at the grate “I guess you are strong enough to pull it.”

Billy sighs “I’m strong enough, but I have webbed hands, did you forget that?”

“Use me. I mean, use my hands, I’ll grab it and you will pull.”

“I will hurt you.”

“I will not let you die, Billy, so help me or I’ll do it myself.”

They swim toward the sewage canal and Steve grabs the grate with all his strength before Billy grabs his arms and pulls so hard that the grate cedes.

They hear the sounds of steps.

“You can still say that I made you do it. That it was my plan all along and you did what you had to to survive.”

Steve shakes his head, here, in a big aquarium tank with a dead body floating just a few feet away, Steve feels finally useful.

“I will not leave you alone.”

In his mind he is still six years old, asking his babysitter if Billy will feel alone at night.

“No, honey, he will not, can’t you see how many fish are there with him?”

Only maybe he did. Maybe he was just a mermaid child, missing his mum.

***

The loud splash brings Steve back to the present time, he has no fucking idea where the water will bring them, and the flow is strong, Steve is a good swimmer but all the adrenaline of the last few days is getting to him so he is starting to feel tired.

“Let the water carry you.” Billy suggests from behind him. Even in the dirty water, Billy is still the most beautiful creature Steve has ever seen.

His tale is huge in the tight canal, but he seems completely at ease even in this unfamiliar environment.

“Are you not scared?”

Billy smirks “Oh, Steve, I have been scared all my life. This? This is nothing.”

He gets closer to Steve and hugs him “Hold on me.”

Hold on me.

Like… you can count on me.

Like… I’m here for you.

And somehow, while they are swimming in the semi-darkness toward an unknown future, Steve feels that he is exactly where he was supposed to be.

He starts to giggle in the dark.

“Are you definitely going crazy, Steve?” Billy asks, but his words are not harsh, just curious.

“I was thinking about my parents, how proud of me they will be when they find out I helped you murder Neil and escape.” The boy chuckles.

“Are you regretting it?”

Steve’s chest gets tight.

Is he scared out of his mind? Yes.

Does he have any idea of what they are going to do now? No.

Is he regretting freeing the merboy? Absolutely not.

They stay in silence for a long time, then Billy sighs "I wasn't trying to kill you, but you were putting your dirty hands in my den.” he explains, without looking at Steve.

“Your den? I thought your den was in the farther part of the tank.” And then the boy suddenly remembers the little red tail hiding behind that same rock “Oh… that was your hiding place.” The place where he collected and hid his treasure.

Billy sighs “I can't believe that I had the answer under my nose for all this time and I didn’t know it! I knew that the stupid necklace had something to do with my father but I never thought that Neil… He was kind, you know? At least at the beginning. He brought me sweet things and some shiny ones. Mum always said to not trust the human but he was the only person I had any contact with so it was hard not to become attached to the only person I saw every day. I could speak with the fish in the tank, but they would not answer me. Neil did. Neil always had some adventure to talk about. How could I not notice that it was him? My mum was fucking terrified of him! And still, I didn’t understand.”

Steve turns Billy’s face until they are watching each other “Don't get angry at yourself. You could have no idea that he was… that he did… who could have ever imagined all of that?”

“Susan.” It’s Billy’s cold answer “Susan did. She told me that she had a plan and that all I had to do was wait for her. Why didn’t she tell me what she discovered?”

Did Neil kill Susan? That’s what Steve has been thinking about since he saw the pictures on Instagram.

He has no proof but if Susan saw the dog tag and Billy trusted her enough to tell her about his father, Susan must have understood that Neil was Billy’s father and everyone knew what kind of trainer he was.

Steve tries to imagine for a moment the red-haired girl confronting the old man, maybe even threatening him.

“But why did she do that? Why didn't she talk to me?”

“I can't pretend I know why she did, Billy, but I'll tell you why I would have done it: to protect you. I would have faced Neil and told him to quit. There aren't… there aren't laws against the abuses of mermaids so the only thing she could do was pressure him into quitting. She probably tried to blackmail him and he… he killed her.”

Billy remains silent, flapping his fins, keeping Steve close to his body.

“She was kind. I think I liked her.” He whispers “She always made sure that there were a couple of shrimp in my food because she noticed I liked them the most. After she died I have never eaten another shrimp.”

Steve holds him even tighter “I'm so sorry, Billy.”

“She was so young. Maybe a couple of years older than you. I thought she fell into the water, I tried to help her, I really did but… but…”

It was too late.

There are no words that can erase such pain, so they stay embraced like that, following the water.

“Listen. Seagulls.”

***

When they emerge from the sewage canal the sun is setting.

For a moment Steve wonders if they will find the police waiting for them, but everything happened so fast that he doubts that anyone had the time to study the watery system and understand exactly where they would have ended up.

When Billy sees the ocean his eyes get wide and the gold in his irises shines even brighter, his gills open, breathing in the salted air, and in a moment he disappears under the water.

For a few moments, Steve sees the red tail, now almost violet, and then nothing more.

He stays on the shore, wet and shivering for the cold, looking at the blue expense of the ocean in front of him, wondering what he should do now. He definitely can’t follow Billy underwater, no matter what, and he has no equipment to swim with him even just for a few minutes.

The boy stares at the ocean, waiting to see a red tail or something but when nothing appears he lets himself fall on his knees.

It’s ok, they didn’t promise each other anything at all, and now Billy is finally free,

The air is crisp on his skin, he is wet and tired and all he wants to do is rest, just for a moment.

***

Steve lies on the shore, looking at the stars and wondering what he is going to do now.

His old life is gone, he is a fugitive and his parents will never get him back after what he did. He vaguely wonders if the police will inquire, if they will look through his computer if they will come to the same conclusion he did. If they will understand that Neil killed Susan.

A gasping fish falls into his lap and when he lifts his eyes, Billy is staring at him, eating another one.

“You should eat.”

“I can’t eat raw fish.”

“Why?”

“It’s bad for my stomach.” Steve tries to explain “And I have no fucking idea on how to make a fire, but thanks.”

Billy raises an eyebrow but doesn’t comment when Steve puts the fish back in the water and the animal starts to swim faster than he could.

“What can you eat?"

"Raw? I really don't know, honestly, I never had the urgency of eating something raw directly from the ocean." Steve replies tilting his head.

Billy turns toward the ocean "Have you already been here?"

"In this place?"

"In the ocean." The merboy says, looking at the horizon "It's the first time for me." Billy whispers "My mum told me something about it but… it's so big. I could swim in every direction and tired myself before getting to the glass wall."

Steve chuckles "Billy. The ocean has no glass walls."

The merboy turns toward him, his eyes big with wonder "No?"

For the first time, Steve looks at him like he was a child, not the deadly creature everyone said he was.

"No. You can swim wherever you want, with no limits."

Billy stares at him, silently.

"Are you scared?" Steve asks, getting closer to the water.

"No." the merboy denies, and Steve sits on the shoreline.

"It's ok if you are. I will not judge you. I'm scared too, you know?"

"About what?"

"Everything? I mean, I think I technically lost my job, I'm pretty much a fugitive and I can't go back home. All I have right now are the clothes I'm wearing and they are soaked." He confesses with a wry smile.

"Why don't you strip?" Billy suggests.

Steve startles "What?!"

"Why don't you strip? Your clothes will get dry faster."

"I'm not going to stay naked in front of you!" 

"Why not? I'm always naked and it makes no difference to you."

Steve blushes "It's different!"

"How?"

Steve can't point out if Billy is being sassy or naive, so he turns his face to avoid Billy and he sees a Lifeguard Towers a few feet away with a white little boat resting at his feet, the word lifeguard written in big bold red letters, and goes toward it: if he is lucky enough he will find some spare clothes.

The boy is not worried about adding breaking and entering to all the crimes he probably committed in the last few hours, so he breaks the lock with a rock and gets into the lifeguard's tower. He finds an old backpack with a pair of bright pink swim trunks, and a long faded tank top, then he takes his wet clothes and throws them inside the little boat and he pushes the boat toward the sea.

"What's this?" Billy asks, swimming around the little boat.

"It's a boat. It's a floating thing that humans use to move in the water without swimming." He never understood how little was Billy's knowledge of the world until now and for a moment he regrets his actions, the merboy is used to living in captivity, how could he survive in the wild?

Steve starts to row but Billy complains loudly about it "Stop it!" He yells, barely avoiding one of the rows.

"If I don't row in some direction I'll go adrift!" Steve complains "I have no map and I'm no good at reading stars, if the water flow will drag me far from the shore I'll be lost." And probably die.

"I can push you."

"Sorry?"

"I can push this thing.” Billy repeats “I'll stay close to the shore, I promise."

"We need to find a cove or something like that, a place where we can both rest but where we can hide." Steve says, looking around.

"Like a den."

"Like a den." Steve agrees, getting the rows inside the boat.

Steve wonders if it is crazy to entrust his life to a killer merboy who could literally eat him, and the answer is probably yes, but he is too tired, and the gentle rocking of the waves is so soothing that he falls asleep.

***

An unusual weight on the chest is what wakes up Steve, who yells when he sees a big seagull resting on his chest.

"You ok?" A familiar voice asks.

Steve turns and sees the merboy resting on some rocks nearby while the boat is resting on the shoreline.

"Where are we?"

"In a den, like you said."

Steve looks around him, they are in a little cove, the water is bright green where the boat rests, but it gets darker and darker a few feet away.

"A sea cave." He whispers astonished.

"Do you like it?" The merboy asks him, jumping into the water and reemerging just in front of Steve "We could live here."

Steve's stomach grumbles.

"I can get you some fish." Billy proposes and Steve starts to look in the old backpack to see if there is something useful and finds a crumbled packet of crackers and half a bottle of water.

"Thank you but I'm good." The boy replies.

That is a limited-time solution, he will have to get back and Billy will swim away soon, but all he can do right now is let himself enjoy the moment.

His feet hit something, and when he looks down he sees many colorful little rocks, some of them are bottle glasses that the waves transformed in little gems, but there are also some shimmering shells.

"What are those?" Steve asks, confused.

"Presents. For your treasure."

"I don't have a treasure, Billy." Steve tries to explain to him.

"I know. But you need one. A big one. I know you are not strong enough but I'll help you guard it." The sea creature replies, smiling with his sharp teeth.

"Billy… I don't need it."

"You do. My mate needs to have the biggest treasure ever!" The merboy declares proudly.

"Your what? Billy, are you ok?"

Now that Steve notices it Billy's tail is even brighter and he is almost dancing around the boat, like the sea lions do before mating.

"Billy?" He calls again, but Billy's eyes are golden than ever, with no blu in his irises "Billy I don't know what you are thinking but you are not in your right mind, ok? I understand that everything that happened was overwhelming, but please, look at me. I'm Steve. I'm your trainer."

"We kissed."

"We… sort of kissed but it wasn't a real kiss, ok? You were giving me air to breathe, do you remember that?"

"I want to give you more air." Billy's voice is so musical, and even if he is not singing to Steve, he definitely could.

Steve shakes his head, he must remain lucid, they are still in danger… Billy's lips look so nice and all Steve wants to do is feel them on his own.

"Steve…" that’s music. Not the kind he experimented when Billy gave him the order to say back, but is still a song, a song about a kid who preferred to stay at the aquarium all day instead of going to play at the park, a song about a boy who was lost, a song about a mermaid child that was scared and alone, a song about a powerful creature willing to kneel for one person alone: Steve.

The boy is leaning toward the merboy, their faces so close that he can feel Billy's breath on his skin.

It's wrong and it's perfect.

The water opens for him when he falls from the boat, but his beautiful merboy is there to cushion the fall and to share air and spit with him; his webbed hands at the side of Steve's neck are drawing swirls that make Steve shiver and for the first time Steve's hand touch Billy's skin.

It's a strange feeling, Billy's skin is cold and a little bit slimy, but his lips are warm and welcoming.

Steve.

Steve.

Steve.

He knows that it's his name but somehow is not his anymore.

Billy reemerges, holding him tight.

"Steve." He calls again, and Steve's decision shatters under the merboy touch.

The sea creature swims toward the shore, letting the boy lie on the sand.

"I want you." The merboy whispers on his lips, licking the salt from Steve's skin and Steve can’t suffocate a moan when Billy’s lips stop just behind his right ear and start to kiss and bite playfully his ear.

“Sing for me…” Billy murmurs, grinding against him with his entire body and it feels like an electric shock.

Billy’s hands are cold and Steve’s skin is far too hot, he struggles with the tank top, and finally Billy tears it, freeing Steve from the offensive piece of tissue, while hovering over him.

The merboy could crush him, but he doesn’t, he is gentle and handles Steve with such care that he thinks that no one has ever treated him as such.

They kiss again, still hungry for each other's taste, Billy pushes Steve against the sand but Steve is not going to stay there and take what the merboy is going to give him, so he turns them, leaving the merboy lying on the sand and straddles him.

Billy’s eyes are wide, his entire body is driven by the oldest force in the universe: lust.

His scales open a little and Steve sees it: a huge red dick pouring a clear liquid.

“What…?”

“I wanna mate you.” Billy whispers, like a plea on Steve’s skin, and there is no doubt about what the merboy is more than willing to do.

“Billy…”

“I’ll be gentle.” He promises, but Steve knows that he can’t trust him, at this moment Billy is just an animal driven from the primal force of reproduction and Steve’s body is not made to take something so huge.

“I can’t. Billy, I can’t. It’s too big!” Steve protests.

“Gentle.” Billy repeats, while he darts his tail and makes Steve slip closer to his chest, his huge dick between them “Touch it.” He asks him and Steve moves his hands to touch it. It’s different from Steve’s dick, bigger but softer, wet and so flexible, and it seems to move almost like a hand.

“How…?”

“It will not hurt. I promise you. I would never hurt you, you know that.”

Does Steve know that?

“How… how do you want me?”

“Close.”

Steve moves Billy’s dick out of the way, the merboy's dick just behind his back.

“What now?”

“Relax.” Billy whispers while he takes Steve’s wrists and pushes him against his chest.

“No, no, I’m not ready!” Steve tries to protest, but Billy’s dick is grinding against him leaving a wet trail that tingles.

“You’ll be ready in no time. And my dick is softer than what you are used to.”

“How do you know?”

How do you know that I have been fucked?

“I scented him on you. Didn’t like it. You smell so much better now. Sea, salt, sex.”

Steve can’t deny that his dick is leaking on Billy’s chest.

“Will you stop if… if I ask you to?”

“You will not ask.” 

“But if I do?”

“I will.” the merboy promises, and then, with a sudden movement, he starts to push inside Steve’s rim.

The pressure is gentle but relentless, Steve feels so full as he has never been before, but Billy is right. It doesn’t hurt. Not at all.

“Oh god… I fill you in my throat…” he moans.

“Would you like that? Would you like to feel my dick into your throat?”

Steve can’t answer because Billy is dragging him down on his monstrous dick while kissing him, licking with his tick tongue every corner of Steve’s mouth, eating every moan, every sigh directly from the source.

Then he starts to move inside him.

“Harder! I want you harder!” Steve asks and he will cry if Billy denies him, but he doesn’t, the merboy is ready to satisfy him and he keeps moving inside him harder and harder, making Steve bounce on his slippery tail, his legs spread around his muscled boy.

“Will you show me the most beautiful of your expressions?” The sea creature asks him and Steve nods, he doesn't even know what Billy means but whatever he wants he will give it to him.

“Come. Come for me, my treasure.” He whispers in his singing tone of voice, and Steve clenches so hard around his huge dick that it almost hurts, but it’s just a moment, and then he is falling from the biggest height ever.

When he opens his eyes the mermaid is still deeply inside him, jolting just a little inside him.

“You ok?” Billy asks him, his eyes back to blue.

“What happened?”

“You came for me.” Billy explains to him easily and Steve nods.

“Yeah but… after?”

“You passed out.”

Steve has read in some porno magazine that it could happen, but he thought that it was just an exaggeration, instead, he came so hard on Billy’s dick that he blacked out.

“What about you?”

“I need more.” The merboy tells him.

“More like what?”

“Will you let me come inside you? Paint your inside with my cum? Make you drip?”

The answer is so obvious that Steve doesn’t waste time answering and just nods.

“Give me your hand.” Billy asks him, taking three of Steve’s fingers and sucking hard on them while he keeps thrusting harder and harder. Billy’s teeth are very sharp and he could easily chop off Steve’s fingers, but they are looking at each other, Steve’s body still covered in sweat, and when he feels Billy going rigid Steve pushes his fingers even deeper, not caring for his own safety, and it’s the right thing to do because Billy opens his mouth, moaning something that sounds like a song and comes into Steve. One time, two times, three times, he comes so much that Steve feels his stomach bulge and the merboy’s cum dripping from him.

“So beautiful.” He whispers, lying on Billy’s body and the merboy holds him even tighter.

“Rest.”

“You need to rest too.”

“Mermaids don’t rest.” that’s incorrect, but it’s true that they don’t sleep like humans so Steve doesn’t complain “I’ll protect you.” Billy assures him, and for a moment, before falling asleep, Steve thinks about how quickly their role reversed. He was the kid that promised to free him, he was the one that helped him escape, but now, in their den, it’s Billy who is taking care of him.

Their den.

It sounds nice.

Doesn’t it?

***

Steve hears them before he sees them: angry songs rise from the boiling water. Steve is still on the shore and Billy is in the water, moving back and forth protectively in front of him, hissing.

“Who are you?!” One of the mermaids asks him, and Steve notices that they are all old and female.

“Who are you?!” Billy growls, hissing again.

“If the guppy wants to play, let him play, Muriel.”

Steve can understand what they are saying even if they are not really using words but a strange kind of subtle melody, and the mermaid with the black hair that just spoke doesn’t seem too friendly.

“Go away from my den!” Billy hisses again.

“How sweet is that, the guppy is trying to defend his territory!” Another laughs, and Billy keeps hissing, trying to shield Steve from their view.

“Oh… I see… the mating season made him crazy. He thinks that the stupid human is his mate.”

“Go away!” Billy sings to them but the order has no effect.

“Your mum didn’t teach you how to sing, little guppy?” The one called Muriel asked again.

“Don’t talk about her!” Billy growls, but then he freezes, seeing a mermaid with blond hair getting closer “Mum?” He asks confused and astonished “Mum… I thought you were still at the aquarium!” Billy says with a wet voice.

“She is not your mum Billy!” Steve tries to tell him, running toward him.

“Maybe she escaped like I did!” He replies, still looking at the beautiful mermaid, but Steve gets into the water, trying to shake him.

“It’s not her, Billy. It’s not your mum. Nerea… she died. She died after they brought you away from her.” The last words are almost a whisper and for a moment everything stills, then, something drags Steve underwater and he feels a sharp pain at his waist. He looks down and a red-haired mermaid is biting him.

He screams, trying to free himself, but it is only Billy’s intervention that makes the other mermaid release her grip and then he drags Steve safely toward the shore.

“You ok?” He asks, looking at the red blood that is pouring from his pierced skin.

“I’m good… I’m good.”

“Did you know Nerea?” The blond mermaid asks, getting closer.

Billy grits his teeth, so Steve answers for him “She was his mum.”

“Nerea… Nerea was your mum?” She asks again, and now that she is so close she has something familiar, long blond hair, blue eyes…

“She was… she was my sister.” The mermaid says “Are you really her son? She was too young when they captured her! How… How did that happen?!”

“My mate is injured!” Billy growls “I don’t have time to chat!”

The blond mermaid turns toward the other mermaids “Go get some seaweed to cover the wound.”

“But Onda…”

“Do it!” She sings and the order is so fierce that Steve would have been ready to go too if Billy wasn’t holding him so tight.

“Can I look at your wound?” The blond mermaid asks and is not an order, Steve could refuse, but it hurts a lot, and if she can do something to help him with the pain he will gladly accept the help she could give.

“It’s not too deep and Shui didn’t use any venom. You’ll be fine in no time, little human.”

Steve is not used to feeling little, but between these two creatures, he really feels just a kid.

“Are you really my mum's sister?” Billy asks without looking at her and the mermaid nods.

“Can you tell me what you remember of her?” She asks, and Billy is ready to tell her but she shakes his head “Not like that. Sing it to me.”

“I don’t know how.”

“Close your eyes, concentrate on her image, and let the music flow.”

It’s a sweet and sad song and even if Steve can’t understand a single word, at the end of the song his eyes are full of tears.

The blond mermaid addresses his wound and looks around the sea cave.

“You find a nice spot Billy, but you can’t stay here forever. Would you like to come back home with us?”

Billy’s fins shivers and Steve knows that he has never had a home, but then he looks at him.

“You have to go, Billy. They are your people.”

“What about you?”

“I’ll be ok.”

Onda nods “I will personally erase his memory and make sure that he gets back to his home safely.”

“You want to take him away from me?!” Billy snarls and Onda seems to scent Steve.

“I see. You already mated him, didn’t you, little guppy?”

“I’m not a guppy! And he is my mate! I will not leave him!”

She laughs “And what are you going to do, uh? He has no tail that I can see, and no gills either.”

Steve smiles, playing with Billy’s hair “It’s ok. You have to go with them and I have to go home. It’s ok.” He tries to comfort him but Billy is crying into his arms.

”I don’t want to leave you. You are my mate.” The merboy whispers.

“I am not, baby. You just imprinted on me. It happens. And I think I did it too. But you’ll be ok. I’m sure that there are a lot of pretty merboys waiting for you.”

“Steve…”

“It’s ok. Do what you have to.” He tells the blond mermaid and the mermaid nods.

“Thank you for keeping my prince safe.” She whispers, but before Steve can ask any questions a sweet song is already making him sleepy.

***

When Steve opens his eyes he is at a hospital and a policeman is asking him questions about what happened at the aquarium, but Steve can’t remember anything at all. A month of his life has gone completely lost.

He doesn’t know who Neil Hargrove is and he has no idea how he died, in his mind he is still waiting to know something after the interview that he made for the position of mermaid trainer, but the aquarium hasn’t a mermaid anymore so it seems that he is out of a job.

Steve joins many TV shows where they interview him trying to make him talk about his experience. He attends every single one with his mother, always eager to parade him around and ready to play the part of the worried mother. They take the money but the interviews are all the same, an infinite series of “I don’t know.”

Did the merboy threaten you?

Did he try to kill you?

Did he bite you?

Steve doesn’t know.

Public opinion is divided into a group that thinks that mermaids should be protected and left free, while another part thinks that what happened is proof that they are far too dangerous and that they should be exterminated once and for all.

Both of them ask Steve if he wants to be their ambassador and it doesn't matter how much money they offer him, he always refuses.

Every morning he runs three miles and ends his run on the beach, looking longingly at the sea, feeling that he misses something that was really dear to him, but he keeps running and goes back home, takes a shower, and sees the red sign of the bite on his skin, tangible proof that mermaids are, indeed, dangerous.

A mermaid killed Neil Hargrove and maybe even Susan Mayfield.

A mermaid bit Steve.

Still, his heart is mourning.

He dreams of oceans, colorful fishes, and shiny shells, and he dreams of songs with no words but that fills him with emotions and when he wakes up, in the morning, he feels rested, loved, and cherished without any real reason.

After a couple of months, all the interest in Steve has diminished and one more time he is the failure his parents can’t accept.

They tell him to find himself a job and he changes from one minimum wage job to another, trying to find his place in the world, telling himself that when he will find the right job, the right house, the right girl, everything will be ok. He just has to wait, the universe will give him what his heart longs for, he knows it, and he is not wrong.

***

Steve always loved diving, so when the longing for the sea becomes unbearable he takes his equipment and goes to the beach.

He shouldn’t go diving alone, it’s dangerous and he knows it, but he can’t wait anymore.

The boy changes into his wetsuit, which feels like a second skin to him, he wears his diving mask, takes the oxygen and his fins, and gets into the water.

The deeper he goes the colder it gets but he keeps diving, searching for a thermocline where he knows he will find some fish.

He has the impression to have seen something violet in the distance, but when he turns to look with more attention there is nothing.

When Steve reemerges, ready to go back home, he sees a little white boat rocks near the shore, inside it there are many shiny things: pieces of glass, shells, and little jewels.

It’s a present for him, a proposition, and there, when the sun is setting like it was months ago, Steve makes a decision. He grabs all the little trinkets and puts them in his backpack, then he goes back to his sad one-room apartment, grabs some food and some clothes, and goes back to the beach as fast as he can, wishing so hard that the boat is still there waiting for him, as it is.

He gets on the boat and starts to row toward the open sea.

A little voice inside his mind tells him that he will get lost and he will die a horrible death in the middle of the ocean, but another part of him urges him to keep rowing so he does, until he hits a rock. Or maybe not.

“Going somewhere, pretty boy?”

Listening to Billy’s voice is enough to dissolve the enchantment that the blond mermaid did on him.

“Billy!” The boy calls, diving into the water, and the merboy catches him with no effort.

“Hey there, pretty boy. I knew you would have come.”

“Did you sing for me?” He asks, putting together all the little things that happened to him: the dreams, the pull toward the sea, the shiny treasure.

“I sang for you every single day.” He replies, peppering his face with kisses “Onda told me that if you really were my mate you would have felt the pull even if you didn’t have your memory. And you did, didn’t you, sweet thing?”

Steve smiles, but they are still in the middle of the ocean.

“What now?”

“Now I’ll bring you home.”

***

Home, Steve discovers, is a little island uninhabited, or at least with no humans. There are a few animals and a big underwater cave that leads to an entire submerged town. Even if Billy did his best to share oxygen with him, Steve wasn’t unable to visit it, he just saw a big palace nestled between the rocks.

“I hate that you can’t see it.” The merboy says while they are resting on the beach.

“I’m sure it’s beautiful.”

“I could sing it to you.”

“Do you want to?”

“I want to share everything with you.” Billy replies, and then he starts to sing while playing with Steve’s hair, but in his song, there is more than just a castle between the rocks: there is pain and sadness, there is hope and fear, there is a hole that has Steve’s shape, and there is love. So much love.

“I’m sorry.” Steve says, turning away to hide his tears “I’m so sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for, baby.” The merboy replies holding his chin and making him turn toward him “Nothing.”

“I left you.”

“You did not. You were hurt and you needed help. And you came back to me. You came back for me.”

Steve nods, while silent tears fall from his eyes and the merboy licks them.

“No more tears, I want to see you wiggle.” He tells him and then he kisses him and Billy’s foreign mouth is the closest thing to home that he has ever tasted.

The blond merboy keeps kissing him, biting the side of his jaw, and then he goes down, and down, until he is breathing just above the tent in Steve’s swim trunk.

“Can I taste you?” Billy asks him, and when Steve nods he lowers his swim trunks and takes him into his velvety hot mouth. His clever tongue insists just under the head of his dick and Steve grabs Billy’s hair, trying to resist the impossible pleasure that is filling him.

“I’m going… I’m going to come…” he mumbles, and Billy sucks even harder, ready to swallow Steve’s release.

With a few hard thrusts, Steve comes with a moan into Billy’s mouth.

Billy smiles like a shark before kissing Steve and sharing his own cum with him and even Steve’s cum tastes like the sea.

Steve’s body is so lax after the orgasm that Billy’s dick finds no resistance when he gets inside him.

The boy whimpers a little when Billy’s big dick brushes against his prostate so soon after his first orgasm, but he doesn’t complain when the merboy keeps moving inside him, boxing him and kissing him until he is a whimpering mess under him.

“So good for me… So perfect…” he praises him and Steve comes again, painting both their stomachs white.

He gets ready to relax and feel the merboy filling him until he is dripping cum, but after the first shot, Billy pulls out and comes on Steve’s body, mixing their cums on his skin.

“Mine… My mate…” he whispers and Steve nods, unable to speak.

***

“You know how important you are to him, right?” Shui, the red mermaid that bit Steve months ago asks the boy.

“I love him.” He replies.

“I know you do but I don’t think you get what it takes to fall in love with a mermaid. And with a special one like Billy.” She tells him looking at him with condescension.

“He has always been special to me, even before you found us in that stupid cave.” Steve retorts angrily.

“Don’t be offended and listen to me, stupid human. He is a Prince. Do you get that?”

“Onda is the Queen, his title means nothing.”

“It means nothing now. It will mean a lot when he changes.”

Steve turns toward the red-haired mermaid.

“He what?”

“Have you seen him today? Are you wondering why I am here babysitting you and not eating shrimp with my sisters?” She points out, annoyed.

“Where is he? What is happening? Can you bring me to him?” Steve asks anxiously.

“Calm down, little human. He is fine. He is just going through a transition.”

“I don’t understand. Is he ok?”

The mermaid nods “He is. It’s a natural process. Some fish do that, didn’t you know?”

“Some fish do what?”

“They change sex when they get older.”

They do. Groupers do it. Clownfish and other fish do it too.

“He is changing sex?”

“Didn’t you notice that all the old mermaids are females?”

He has seen a few other merboys… but no merman.

“Will he be ok?”

“They. And of course they will. They are with their sister, they will take care of them and I promised to take care of you. I just wanted to warn you because I don’t want you to be mean to them when they come back. They have human blood and we don’t know how they will change.”

“It doesn’t matter. I love Billy and I will love them whatever it happens, but are you sure they’ll be ok?”

The mermaid stares at him and then she silently nods.

***

One week.

The entire transformation lasted one week, and in all that time Steve's only company was Shui and his own fears, so when he finally sees a mane of blond hair he runs toward the water.

Billy doesn’t look too different, the only difference that he can spot is “Your tail!”

It’s not bright red anymore, it’s more lavender.

“Did Shui…”

“She did.”

“And you are ok with that?”

“Me?” Steve asks, confused.

“I’m not… I mean I am still me but… different…”

This time Steve is holding them tight “I don’t know what happened and I don’t want to know. I’m just glad that you are ok.”

“I am not ok.” Billy replies, avoiding Steve’s eyes.

“What do you need? Can I do something for you? I can ask Shui…”

“I’m not… complete.” Billy replies with humiliation.

“You are not… what?”

“I don’t have any fucking tits, Harrington! Didn’t you notice?”

Steve blinks a few times, his mouth open in disbelief. He did not notice.

“And is it a problem? Is it hurting?”

“I’m good at nothing!” Billy yells, punching the water and splashing salt water everywhere “All I had to do was transform like every fucking mermaid and I did it wrong.”

Steve gets deeper in the water, holding Billy’s face in his hands “You are fucking perfect. You got it? You are all I ever wanted and all I care about is if you are ok.”

When Billy turns toward him Steve stares at them unashamed: it’s not true that they have no tits, it’s just that they are smaller than the other mermaids. Steve gently cups one of them, weighing it in his hand.

“Can I… Can I kiss them?”

He has never thought about a female version of Billy but now that they are in front of him he wants to discover every part of this new body.

“Aren’t you horrified?” Billy asks.

“I think that the word you are looking for is mesmerized, and I am.”

Billy’s tail winds around Steve and drags him toward their chest “I’m still going to fuck you. You know that, right?”

***

They are on their honeymoon, that’s what Onda called the period they gave them before dragging Billy back to work at the palace now that they are officially the second in line.

Billy’s body is softer and their tail has a different color, but for the rest, they are still sassy as they used to be.

They haven’t had sex since Billy transformed and Steve is determined to put an end to their period of chastity.

“You know, humans have sex during their honeymoon.” He says, caressing Billy’s shoulder while they are resting under a swaying palm tree.

“Oh, do they?”

"Definitely."

“And what’s your plan? Convincing me to have sex with you talking about human customs?”

Not the brightest plan ever, but at least they are addressing the matter once and for all.

“Are you in pain? That’s why you don’t want to have sex with me?” he asks and Billy shakes their head “Are you worried you will not like it?” another nod of refusal “So what?”

“I’m worried I’ll get pregnant.”

Steve almost chokes on his own spit.

“You what?”

“Oh, Steve, do I really have to be the one who tells you? When two people love each other very deeply, sometimes they have a baby.”

“No, I get that, I mean I didn’t think that…”

“That you could get me pregnant?” Steve’s mouth feels too dry so he just nods “You could. Just like Neil did with my mum, and the younger the mermaid is, the easiest is to get pregnant.”

Steve nods “Oh, I get that, you don’t want a child from me. I mean, it’s ok, it wasn’t really in the cards when we met so…”

“Would you like that? A child? Our child?”

It’s a tricky question.

Short answer? Yes.

But he is respectful of Billy and their choice so he says “All I ever wanted was a family, and you are my family.”

“That means that you hate the idea of having kids?”

“No! I… I… I’d like to have them. With you. But if you don’t want them I get it. I mean, our life is pretty complicated as it is, right?”

He is not wrong: Billy has many responsibilities and Steve can’t exactly follow him underwater.

“I want them. But I’m scared. What if they are damaged, like me?”

No, Steve is not going to have any of that.

He pushes Billy until they are lying with their back on the sand and their arms over their head.

“You are not damaged Billy, and our hypothetical kids will not be damaged either. And if you will never want them I will never ask, but I can't stand listening to you talking like that about yourself.”

“You are really in love with me…” the mermaid grins.

“I really am.”

“Maybe I should fuck you, just to know if you are still a good partner.”

“You are such a brat!” Steve complains, but after a moment it is he who is trapped with his shoulders on the warm sand.

“Do you think that your human dick is good enough to fuck someone? It seems so tiny, doesn’t it?”

Steve’s dick is far smaller than the one Billy had “Do you think it is too small?” The boy asks, blushing at the humiliation.

“Oh, I think that with such a tiny dick I will barely feel it, and I really don’t think it will catch.”

“There is just a way to find it out, what do you say? Are you ready to let me try to knock you up?”

Billy’s dick is smaller than it was but is still there, so Steve takes it in his hands and finds it even more flexible now that it’s smaller.

He rubs his dick on Billy’s and when the tip of Billy’s cock gets into the slit of Steve’s dick he whimpers.

“Oh fuck, I’m sorry. Did I hurt you?”

Steve shakes his head “It’s just… intense. And strange. But mostly intense.”

“Does it mean that I could still fuck you, pretty boy?”

“Oh, I think you could even if I was inside of you but this… this feels…”

“Good?”

“So fucking good.”

Billy’s dick keeps thrusting inside the tip of Steve’s cock and when it withdraws with a quick movement Steve comes copiously on the mermaid.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck…” he moans, trying to stabilise his breath.

“Harrington, I thought that all of that was supposed to get inside me, not on me.” Billy teases him.

Steve rests at Billy’s side “Give me a moment and then I’ll fill you until you beg me to stop.”

“Do you really think you could?” The mermaid keep teasing the boy, but Billy let Steve rest a little while they go back in the water to keep themself hydrated; when they get back from their swim Steve is more than eager to show them that he can be a good lover.

Billy tries to play with Steve’s dick again, but the boy grabs Billy’s sex with his hand and starts to jerk them off while he slowly penetrates inside his partner for the first time.

Billy’s body is wet and warm and when they whisper on Steve’s lips that they want it harder, Steve doesn’t hesitate, thrusting harder and harder, listening to the watery slaps sound and to their moans.

“You are so warm, baby. So velvety and warm. I wanna bury myself inside of you and stay like that forever.” Steve whispers while Billy keeps repeating that they want it harder. “If I keep going like this I’m going to come in no time.” 

“I’ll fucking kill you if you stop now!” Billy almost yells while they keep moaning under Steve and when the boy feels that he is close it takes Billy’s dick in his hand once more and starts to jerk them off quicker and quicker, doing his best to get them off before coming inside of them.

“Let go. I’m here. I’ll get you.” Steve reassures them and finally, Billy comes with a moan that reverberates inside Steve’s soul, clenching so hard on Steve’s dick that he comes too, filling Billy’s inside.

They hug each other, Steve still inside Billy “I want to keep you inside me a little more.” They tell him and Steve couldn’t deny them if he wanted to.

“You ok?”

“It was… intense.” They reply and Steve smirks.

“Was it?”

“I think I’d like to do it again.”

“I’m your humble servant.” Steve replies with a smile, brushing away the blond locks “You are so fucking beautiful.” He whispers, kissing their cheeks, and somehow it feels more intimate than the fact that Steve is still buried deep inside Billy.

Steve sighs, content, if Billy want he will try to breed him again, and again, and again, but for the moment holding them in his arms is more than enough.

[magaprima]

Okay, so I have mixed feelings about the finale. Generally, it fell short of what I was expecting, but there were good and bad aspects in general (in my personal opinion. I am not a marvel fangirl, I actually like the Thor movies that general opinion seems to call rotten, and I came to this show because anything witchy draws me in and because I really enjoyed WandaVision. So, before any solid Marvel fans come at me, be aware that this is my personal opinion and those are the conditions for where I'm coming from).

And any stuff I rant about below in regards to Billy's story/his part in the dynamic is not a criticism of Billy, I actually really like Billy and love the connection he seems to have with Agatha and she with him. Any complaints below are about execution and timing.

I think the Rio/Agatha relationship was well explored, even though I do not feel Rio is the 'bad guy' in any way shape or form, that she is a natural thing, and the way she gave Agatha extra time with Nicky and the gentle way she took him, without scaring him, while Agatha was asleep so it wouldn't be agonising. But I also get Agatha is so blinded by grief (she hasn't removed the three swords from her heart, because the Three of Swords does mean grief and heartbreak generally but it also tells you that the only way to escape that pain is to remove the swords yourself) that she can't get that. And I think the conclusion that she had literally been running from death and finally embraces it was an inevitable and beautiful conclusion, BUT I feel we didn't get anywhere near as much back story or exploration of their relationship as we seemed to be promised

However, I feel Agatha's death was sudden, I had a feeling since I learned she was a ghost mentor to Wanda in the comics that she, as a character, was heading in that narrative direction, but the execution felt rushed in the wake of this beautiful build-up and character exploration in the previous episodes. Similarly, I felt Billy's realising of his power was rushed in the final episodes too. It was like slow burn slow burn slow burn RUSH RUSH.

I do wonder if this show is suffering from what many shows suffer from now; being given less than 10 episodes to tell a whole story. I feel this show needed at least 15 to be able to arrive at the finale at the same pace at which we arrived at everything else.

Debra said there was more of Sharon's story and she was either outright lying to us or they cut it. Either way I'm annoyed.

And despite, as I said above, suspecting Agatha would eventually be ghost mentor girl, I feel...I don't know, it feels empty. Perhaps because of the suddenness of how she became a ghost, perhaps because we've taken a little of her bite by making her a ghost, declawing her essentially, perhaps because it feels she has been made a background character when both her writing in WandaVision and AAA showed she was much more than that (I can only hope they go a Penny Halliwell type way with her in other appearances so she's a little more present as a ghost rather than this floating CGIness). I just feel we needed to get to this more slowly.

And probably my heart and soul doesn't sit well with the idea that the conclusion of the series had Agatha becoming a ghost and supporter to boys, that even though we knew this series would help launch Billy's character into other projects, they made the entire finale about a guy when we'd had it as such strong women the whole time. I'm not criticising Jac for this, as she is working within instructed parameters for where the story needs to go, I'm mad at the whole franchise for the fact even when we get strong powerful women who carry the story beautifully on their own it all has to centre around a man in the end. I like Billy and I enjoyed his journey and Joe did great with the character, but couldn't his story have been balanced with everyone else's?

I mean that last trial was so bloody rushed. And we get Jen's 'escape' and crawling her way out and getting back in her own power for such a brief moment. Our climax with Rio (no pun intended) is big but over completely, and, even for Billy's storyline, his growth as a witch happens off screen and he arrives to the scene pre-powered up.

Also, while I get that we see the Witches' Road is a lie and the song was something Agatha used to sing with her son, for me it took away a little of the power and energy of the lyrics, because, again, it ties back to a boy and also to attacking other women, rather than the power of women shared.

Similarly, that's how I feel about Billy creating the road, that it was all the invention of man. Again, how I feel about Billy the character is irrelevant here, it's about the fact an empowering series ended up, every second of it, centring around a man.

And the reality is, that even though Agatha was bound for three years, she was safe, as was everyone else, but basically they got everyone together for Billy's sake on Billy's imaginary road and every single one except Jen died.

I did however love the following;

That Billy trusted Agatha with his power (although this proves she was lying when she said she can't control it. But I do agree with people's theories that she's like an addict and so couldn't stop with Alice because she was a junkie who hadn't had a hit for three years. The flashbacks and how she was hungry and then gets their powers suggests her siphon power is also a drain, that she doesn't just want the power of others, she needs it.

That Lilia telling her to duck when Rio calls her a coward didn't save Agatha's life completely, but allowed Agatha to choose her end, her death, on her own terms just as Lilia did

Agatha being a ghost will piss Rio off as she hates ghosts. This was clearly part of her decision making.

That we see Alice being taken by Death, and Death telling her that she died protecting someone, so her death had meaning. And by saving Agatha, Alice has, by extension, saved Billy and Tommy and also given Jen her powers back

We didn't see Rio take Lilia, because her life is a loop, out of sequence, ever moving, so her soul is alive somewhere in time and so Death can't take it.

[aliusfrater]

thoughts on eileen?

i really enjoy the concept of her character but when it comes to eileen, my opinion of her is very much rooted in existing opinions about characters introduced past season five: she could have been a great character but the state of the show degraded her execution.

she just embodies a pop culture character caricature of the time that ultimately isn't entirely appealing to me. i feel this way about most of those explicit police force characters (except jody because her official introduction episode is fantastic), rowena in her first season on the show, billie, garth, claire lowkey, charlie even, and kevin (+ his mom) despite my fondness for him. that episode in season thirteen where they briefly work for a demon and a few new characters + the kids that peer pressure jack are also really good examples of the pop culture caricatures i'm talking about. it's lazy and hollow; like, the first five seasons have these genre-specific caricatures as well but i personally think they Work because of the uniqueness they were able to write into these characters considering that nothing about the dark and gritty take about a paranormal comic-book-ish show would ever be able to fully fit into a character caricature. they were basically forced to make it unique. they mcu-ified late-2010s supernatural while they were already forcing the weird sitcom-action-adventure-monstermovie genre mashup and the side characters suffered.

anyway back to eileen—i also really disliked that she was introduced as a character untethered to sam and became tethered to him because of their relationship and the layer of misogyny that it's written through. they could have very easily made her another garth in terms of the way her character fit into the narrative. this is all, of course, made conflated further by the fact that she is a character that provides explicit disability representation in, quite frankly, a really well done way and the original introduction of her character plus her platonic chemistry with sam was also done well but the hollow-ness of her character past her first death just sucks. the eileen in my head that i enjoy the most is the one that refused to acknowledge her chemistry with sam in 11.11, told that man of letters to stfu then accidentally killed him. she was so cool

[darnusdoe]

A Simple Ending

Around 2011 I started to work in animation, i entered as a background artist for a few commercials until i was moved to make storyboards and when there was the chance do some animation myself, later on a co-worker showed me this.

At first didn’t thought much of it, the logo was kinda cool like an omage to Misfit or something, and to be fair I really wasn’t into cartoon series at that time because i was watching a lot of anime, and the only american thing i cared was the Boondocks, but my friend ask me to give it a try and... I don’t regret it.

The series follows the adventures of Hank & Dean Venture, along with their neurotic dad Rusty, and their trusty bodyguard Brock Samson. And at first this would look like your regular Adult Swim show, the series is a parody of Johnny Quest and Jacson Publik and Doc Hammer could leave it like that but they went a step further and crafted a really deep world. And not only that, the series doesn’t follow the Venture family only, it expands to a wide variety of characters; from Billy “Quizboy” and Pete White, two scientist that help Rusty time to time and then you have the villain The Monarch with his henchmen and within this group you have the two best henchman 21 and 24.

While the series starts in your typical fashion with the “silly adventure of the week” Publik and Hammer manage wave a plot that moves forward and that’s the “growth” of the characters specially Hank and Dean as they go into those years of puberty and try to “find” who they are, friendships are born and later broken, relationships bloom and there’s betrayal of course these situations don’t happen only between the brothers.

They are the “protagonists” sure, but everyone has their time to shine, and in the case of the villains this is especially true for the Monarch.

Malcolm became my favorite character in the series, he begins like the silly villain of the week who’s the comic relief arching Dr. Venture (Rusty) but as the time goes by he begins to have his own storyline plus and hows his relationship with Dr. Girlfriend who later becomes his wife, along with his friendship with 21 thus stealing the limelight in the later seasons. 

It’s really hard for me to not gush over it and basically write about all the things that happen in the series since right now there’s a chance to get it on blu-ray and digitally all the seven seasons.

But the main reason i’m making this post is because the new movie came out

Honestly it’s still surreal to me that this managed to get the released, after being dropped by Adult Swim and later HBO Max, i kinda lost hope that we couldn’t get a closure after that last season, and how dire things look at the moment for animated projects and we are talking before the current actor/writers strike. I mean you have shows that are good like Inside Job that get canned just because...

But the movie is out! After many years and it’s not what I expected, not saying it’s bad or anything like that, i love the movie and i’m going to avoid talking about it because spoilers but, you are so used to expect like the “big spectacle” and action sequences and there’s some of that in here but  they mostly focus on solve the loose ends, and they do it in a simple way. Now i use the word “simple” and i know that sometimes it might carry a bad connotation, but in here is just simple and honest which is the core of the series, yes, the series it’s goofy and parodies old sci-fi and pulp stories, yes, they sometimes make reference that feel organic and they don’t over do it, but above all that they’re honest on what they want to say and in this movie the line “Blood doesn’t make the family, love does” has weight.

And at the end when the credits rolled and i saw the last scene, i didn’t mind that there weren’t big explosions, or action pieces, or insane animated sequences. Because at the end of the it didn’t matter, because finally the Venture had their closure and so am i.

GO TEAM VENTURE.

[fishedeyelenz]

Pssst hey, tell me about your take on the old man 👀 ya know who I mean

Also!! I would really like to know about Camille and how she came to meet Billy/how she realized she had feelings for him and vice versa😄

Omg... hello. First of all, love the work that you did for the old man community yk yk but you were truly The First. Thank you so much for inspiring me ough <3333 fair warning this is gonna be LOOOOOONG

About my old crusty man.... Well the lore is a bit complicated now cause I kinda developed two stories for him with the same characters more or less, but with different circumstances. Both of these stories are being written and made into fanfiction that you can read on ao3!!

So give me coffee and tv- the og plotline, first written as a yn x DILF!Billy fic, however after I had written the third chapter I realized I was basically writing for an OC at that point, so I developed Camille as a character and slightly revamped the fic, as well finished the fourth chapter with her as the protagonist. (the og second person perspective version of the fic can also be read here ).

In summary, Camille Morrison is a recently divorced middle aged artist who moves to the outskirts of a new town next to a forest, with her only neighbor being the Moaner himself. He has been more or less rehabilitated, but that doesn't mean he stopped with the phone calls. He uses them to "cope". And of course he just had to call Camille to try and drive her away, cause he still can't stand having people too close to him (they live 15 minutes away from each other </3). But Camille confronts him, and a sort of mutual respect begins to form, then a quiet friendship, but because of their combined loneliness it quickly develops into something more for the both of them. In the hiatus I had while revamping and writting the fourth chapter of So give me coffee and tv I also was talking to my mutuals a lot and questions about how DILF! Billy would act if he were an Actual DILF came up a lot. What I mean by that is, what would have happened if he had a child of his own. And so I started exploring the logical conclusions of the premise, and started thinking about what would have happened if Camille and Billy met when they were younger and somehow by chance had a child. And that child became Bean!!! I love her so much she's a little silly <333 (huge thanks for the development of this this story goes out to @lycanthropiclykoi, beloved mutual)

Rats in the shadows - The baby au of So give me coffee and tv basically. au of an au </3. Story told non-chronologically, it follows the life of and relationship of Billy and Camille and their daughter Bean. A more experimental work, in it Billy and Camille met while Camille was living in the sorority (in sgmcatv she didn't live even close to the same town during college, though in both timelines she is a painting major), After some growing pains (he wanted to kill her when they first met </3) the two of them come to terms with each other and eventually fall in love and move in together. However at one point Camille becomes pregnant, and Billy leaves her, as he fears that he will either hurt her or the baby. Pretty angsty but occasionally fluffy, especially when Bean starts to grow up into something more than a baby. Agnes is there. Brahms Heelshire is there. I am currently focusing on this fic, while sgmcatv is on hiatus atm.

As for the characterization of my old man, it is slightly different between timelines, though rits hasn't touched on him as a middle aged man just yet. So I'll focus on the sgmcatv version. Set twenty years after the movie, Billy spent a good few years after the murders in a psych ward, getting slowly rehabilitated until he made his way into a halfway house, then was deemed fit to live on his own. He is still obligated to attend therapy though, and is kept on a nice cocktail of mood stabilizers, anti psychotics and back pain medication. Works as a projectionist at a local cinema in the town he lives in. Spend a lot of time traveling with by bus or waiting for the bus, given that he lives in a very small cabin in the woods and can't drive a car. Blind as a bat, and dresses like a nerd most of the time. Has adopted six cats, which you can learn more about here. Loves them all to bits and definitely doesn't play favorites, no way! Thrift stores are his favorite place on earth, though going there doesn't help his slight hoarder tendencies. Doesn't like people that much still, but puts up with them most of the time. Very lonely, and likes to call people still partially to get let his built frustrations out onto them, partially to hear the voice of another person. Hes just a creepy middle aged man.

His and Camille's relationship definitely changes depending on the timeline. In short, in sgmcatv their relationship definitely began with a rocky start given that he started harassing her quickly after he saw her walking close to his house, however when she told him to quit it and fuck off to his face he started developing a respect for her. It also helped that after that encounter Camille treated him with respect and kindness. Kindness in general, as well as empathy are some of the defining characteristics of Camille's personality, and without that, they wouldn't be able to get along no matter the timeline. And they started hanging out, being neighborly, finding similar interests. Both of them are very lonely at this point of their lives of course, and it isn't hard for them to start developing feelings and getting horny for each other. Camille has realized by this point of the story I think that she has feelings for him, but she is waiting for the friendship to develop more and is trying to see if Lenz would be a good fit for her, especially since the scars of her divorce haven't cooled off yet. She has enough experience now that she knows rushing into things isn't good usually, though a part of her is pretty confident in knowing what she wants, and Billy does fit her type in a way. Only time will tell how the relationship will develop further ( I haven't written anything else yet </3) In rits it is so balls to the walls chaotic. Sgmcatv has a more stable and healthy ground for the relationship to develop from given that Billy has already seeked help and is honestly doing better than ever, while in rits Camille meets him in the middle of the worst period of his life and also unfortunately, he has a crush on her </3 She needs to beat him up and knock him out with a broom when they first meet. At least he doesn't kill any of the girls in the sorority... The early stages of their relationship aren't expanded up on that much just yet, though I can assure you it involves lots of weed to sedate him </3/j but it all gets sorted out relatively okay for the both of them. By spring I think they will be friends, and Billy starts respecting her more. How she develops and realizes these feelings is still a bit spoilery as I haven't touched on it yet in the fic, but they really do fall in love hard. And when he left it hurt the both of them. He just... didn't trust himself enough to be a father. He starts more seriously going to therapy during this time period, and Camille knows he never truly left. He still visit her at night when she sleeps, and after Bean is born he visits her as well. That's where we are basically for now...

As for Bean she is well... a little bean. Just a little guy. Likes tardigrades and microscopic animals. Loves her mama and that strange shadowy figure that watches over her during the night. Sometimes she is so much like her father it makes her mothers heart hurt. She's just vibing... for now at least... That's it in summary, of course theres more information in the fanfics, and a lot of things will be expanded upon in both aus. Hehehe thank you so much for asking about Billy, and Camille and everything else though. I really love talking about these two stories I have, at any chance I get really!!! I hope you have a good day!!!

[revengetour]

prev anon here! thanks sm for your response, you explained it all perfectly! follow up question (if you don't mind 😭) because i'm so curious how the actual shows work? do they have writers employed writing storylines? i was wondering about how the whole "villain" role and revenge tour came about for liv mainly and what led to the fandom dividedness over liv vs rhea for example? i don't know a lot but have seen mutuals take sides quite strongly on that so i'd love to know the origins of it. thanks for reading + explaining if you are able to! i appreciate you helping us understand her character <3 !

i'm so sorry i've been sitting on this for days anon ! life has been lifeing. i'm going to be honest, i'm not super well versed on how behind the scene things go. but i'm pretty sure they do have script writers! and oh gosh, there's a huge divide on the whole liv / rhea thing. my partner who writes rhea / they also used to write my billy ! ( @brut4lities ) and i have our own personal interpretations of what happened! so i'm going to share that since it's specific to my blog if that's okay? this is a super rough explanation, so i'm really sorry! if anyone wants to chime in with anything, please feel free to. rhea and liv started working together as a tag team early--ish on into their career. what started as just friends / tag teams kind of developed into something more that resembled a romantic connection. though it was pretty clear that it was more strongly felt by liv than rhea. there was a video cut by damian priest at one point that was clearly directed at rhea , i don't remember the exact wording but it was something about being held back. between that and liv telling rhea she loved her , it was kind of a tipping point for rhea. and being blunt about it, she valued her career more than liv / was afraid of the relationship between liv and herself. so it led to the betrayal that we see where rhea takes out liv's shoulder and costs her all the time out of the ring. my portrayal of liv no matter what, will harbor feelings for rhea. even if she doesn't want to ever admit it, she still cares. it fuels her main point for turning because rhea did just cast her aside and betray her. she thought what they had was something more, that she meant more to rhea than just a career? but in her mind, rhea perceives her as nothing more than dead weight now. so, a lot of what she's done is to prove to rhea that she is just as strong , if not stronger. it also took time away from her career and even if rhea meant more to her than her career, her career was still something so incredibly important to her. it derailed her from the track she could have been on to the top, she lost so much time that she could have been in the wring with. it's something that was taken from her, and something she'll never ever be able to get back. rhea took so much from her and it's why she's determined to take everything from rhea and make her feel the pain that liv felt when she was down and all alone. the only main difference between my liv portrayal and what's currently going on is that my liv doesn't join the judgement day. it was a writer's choice that didn't sit well with me? it made her seem like a pawn in finn's game. though it's arguable that her taking the judgement day and joining it is the final piece of taking rhea's family from her. but i didn't like the direction of the feud between rhea and liv becoming so wrapped up in / about men and thought they had a really good feud without all of that extra stuff added in? i can see why it was done and understand it, but for my portrayal of liv, i just don't see her letting herself become a pawn in finn's plan. which is what it felt like to me when they had her join the judgement day. she became just another moving piece of the puzzle for him. not saying anything against any other portrayal because everyone is valid and has a beautiful grasp on their characters in different ways. that doesn't mean their goals don't align and she doesn't help them when needed, like when dom's match. but i just don't see her taking the backseat to anything?? not after she's come so far. liv is so much more calculating than people give her credit for.

[sharpth1ng]

Hey do you have any transfem Billy headcanons

I know you’re transmasc but I feel like transfem representation is really low compared to transmasc representation

So do you have any headcanons you might have for transfem Billy

Yeah feels like there's more transfem rep in mainstream media but less in fanfiction, which sucks. But there's never enough trans rep in general, we need more of everything.

In terms of transfem Billy honestly I have a hard time coming up with anything because the characterization of this character is very rooted in masculinity and a relationship to masculinity. Billy is a gay man in my mind, so I'm not really sure how to conceptualize of a non-male Billy. Once I have a characterization in my head it's hard for me to step out of that.

To be honest I'm also not always sure what folks are looking for with trans head-canons. For the most part hcs for trans characters don't differ from their cis counterparts, unless we're talking about what steps they took to physically transition, and I feel kind of weird making a list of trans hcs that are just about physical transition.

ALL THAT SAID, I want to give you something, even if I can't give you quite what you asked for, SO:

Transfem Tatum hcs

Tatum was a pretty shy and reserved kid before she came out, didn't talk a lot, didn't have a lot of friends. She became a lot more social and bold post transition

She and Sid have basically been friends since they were babies because their moms went to the same maternity class while they were pregnant. She never really had to come out to Sid, Sid was just there the whole time

Her mom always wanted a daughter so Tatum got to do a lot of shopping and dressing up with her. There's a bunch of cute/cheesy 80's mall style portraits of her and her mom dressed up from when they went on shopping trips

As an adult Tatum wants to work in fashion, partially because it was such an important and early part of her gender expression

Stu was the first dude she came out to. She was understandably nervous because he's an idiot, but he really doesn't give a shit and it doesn't change much of anything for their relationship. He's just horny, he doesn't care what parts you have

When she's older, out of Woodboro, and able to go to bars and stuff she makes an effort to connect more with the queer community that she didn't have access to when she was younger. As a result she ends up sewing costumes for the drag queens at her local gay bar. She is beloved.

Tatum's the first girl Sid ever had a crush on

When they're older her and Sid become that one extremely wholesome (but also not to be fucked with) lesbian couple that adopts all the local queer kids who aren't safe staying at home

So yeah, I know that's not exactly what you asked for, but I'd rather give you something that feels in character than force hcs that my brain can't quite wrap around. And by the way I'm not saying transfem Billy shouldn't exist, if anyone has that in them please feel free to write it!

[thebreakfastgenie]

what's your least favourite billy joel album??

Honestly I don't know!!!!

It's either Streetlife Serenade, An Innocent Man, The Bridge, or Storm Front. But the thing is every single one of those albums has multiple songs I would call personal favorites:

Streetlife Serenade: The Great Suburban Showdown, The Entertainer, Weekend Song

An Innocent Man: Easy Money, An Innocent Man, This Night, Keeping the Faith

The Bridge: A Matter of Trust, Modern Woman, Temptation, Code of Silence, Getting Closer

Storm Front: I Go to Extremes, Shameless, Leningrad

Yes I did list more than half of one of these albums as favorites. This is what I'm saying.

An Innocent Man is kind of the opposite of the others. I think it's a great album and he nails the concept of doing retro musical styles. I do think it works better taken as a whole, so it's kind of ironic that some of those songs became huge hits out of context. But some of those hits are just... they're good but they're a little played out for me. I still sing along to every word and I still screamed when he announced them in concert so I mean.

With the other three, I've always felt these albums are just not as cohesive as his strongest work. I'm beginning to be persuaded on Storm Front because I saw an interview where he talked about it depicting a storm building and then the last song being the calm after the storm and I was like okay that makes sense. Storm Front also has lower lows for me. I like That's Not Her style, it has some really fun lyrics (she wines and dines with Argentines and Kuwaitis...) but musically it doesn't quite fit into the groove for me. Storm Front, State of Grace, and When In Rome similarly kind of just... happen to me. I like When In Rome and feel called to defend it because he was so mean about it for absolutely no reason, but it's definitely not his best work. So there are just chunks of that album I'm not as into.

The Bridge similarly feels so disorganized to me. There are so many fantastic songs on this album but I don't know where any of them are going. I find myself asking "the bridge to where? or to what?" Ironically to me it just feels like the bridge between different stages of his career; it was the last album he did with Phil Ramone but I always consider it in a group with Storm Front and River of Dreams because it feels so removed from the previous five albums he did with Phil. It also has lower lows for me; I always think I don't like Running On Ice until I listen to it and I remember that I love the piano and some of the lyrics ("a cosmopolitan sophisticate of culture and intelligence" would be my blog title if it wasn't too many characters for mobile) but I think something about the sound just doesn't click for me. I don't really care for Baby Grand or Big Man On Mulberry Street too much. I love that he got to work with Ray Charles and I appreciate what an influence Ray was but I don't personally like that style of music as much. So again, just chunks of the album I don't enjoy as much.

Streetlife Serenade suffered greatly from being sort of a sophomore album. It was actually his third album, but it was his second with Columbia, and he was forced to put it out when he hadn't had enough time to write because he was doing the Piano Man tour and he did not have enough material and it shows. Two of the ten songs are instrumentals although incidentally Root Beer Rag is great. Again with the lows... every song on this album has something I love about it, but Streetlife Serenader, Los Angelenos, Roberta, and Last of the Big Time Spenders are musically kind of unmemorable to me (Roberta is memorable for other reasons). I know I compare Los Angelenos unfairly to Say Goodbye to Hollywood, though. And I absolutely love Souvenir, but it's so short, it feels like half a song. Ultimately I think Streetlife Serenade is probably his weakest album just because it's unfinished but I don't know if that makes it my least favorite.

Typing all of that out did not help me answer the question. I'm going to say An Innocent Man because it's a bold choice and it's one of the few I have not been putting on deliberately lately. An Innocent Man and Keeping the Faith were both live highlights for me though lol.

[msookyspooky]

Spooky!!!!! Can you plz share your thoughts on Neve Campbell returning to scream? 👀

(Sorry if you've answered this already!)

Ps I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEE ur series so much - ur writing is SOOOO good 🥹 The last chapter tore out my HEART but has me kicking my feet GIGGLING at the same time - I genuinely wish u the absolute best bc you are AMAZING 💗

OMG THANK YOU!! I appreciate that especially since I was lowkey a bit weary of even adding Billy and YN at the end but damn we're 4 books in this has to happen eventually 😭🥴 I swear that the latest chapter is actually done (Just proofreading) but the plot is so heavy so damn 'wtf' that I'm writing the next chapter because I wanna make sure this pieces together smoothly cause there is no going back afterwards. So I swear I ain't dragging my feet TOO much 😅 But I'm giddy and nervous to post bc omg I don't think yall are ready 😗🤭

That is...just complicated. I love the idea of Sidney returning but not for this movie simply because of how they handled Melissa. Idc what side of the aisle you're on firing someone for speaking their mind on their Insta instead of being a meek media darling will always rub me the wrong way.

ANNNNDDD these Producers and Executives have lowkey butchered Scream in so many ways since Wes Craven passed and the fact that they made Sidney have less screen time in 5 not only for ageism in my humble opinion and money hungry greed to replace her with younger actresses no one asked for (Sorry I was all pissed they killed Dewey just to replace him with Chad even if I love Chad and got rid of Neve for the sake of 'new chapter' bs with a Billy's daughter trope if they were gonna do that they should've went with Scream 4's original plot IMO OR Sidney's daughters and Mark etc)

THEN by 6 we got very use to them and Sam became a beloved character that we could live with her and Tara being the new final girls just to shitcan them (Jenna walked from what I remember good for her) over an opinion that wasn't stated rudely or anything just talking about the kids involved in this war and they treat her as badly as they did Neve cutting Neve's pay and tossing her aside just for Neve to agree to come back???

Man, I'm sorry I am not a Neve lover nor hater but my pride could never. Guess that's why I'm not in Hollywood or loaded bc I would NEVER sign onto a movie that publicly humiliated me by basically saying I'm not worth the pay, then treating a younger co-star so poorly, then signing back on because they paid me what I should've probably gotten paid in the first place. My Manager and PR team could bite me...Probably why I'm a struggling artist instead lol

I do not hate Neve for this choice because ik money is money but it's disappointing.

And honestly? I have BEEN vocal how Scream 5 is by far my least favorite and they suckered us in with nostalgia and Scream 6 was GREAT except for the ending with the killers being so...Wattpad to be blunt coming from a wattpad fanfic writer. Hate or love Jill Roberts but she was a great Ghostface and it's so OBVIOUS what movies Craven worked on versus not. The killers in 6 COULD have been great too had it not been for them related to Richie (Who is my least favorite GF by far) and how fanfiction both latest installments feel with reveals. Scream 3 did too but Scream 3 purposely did not take itself seriously while 5 and 6 did except for Mindy as comic relief.

Of course this is my opinion and thank you for asking I'm honored you wanna hear my rinky dink opinion but I am not looking forward to 7. Scream 6 may not be my favorite but it is top 3 for me up until the reveal and Sam letting go of the mask and choosing a path to the future feels like the perfect ending! Franchise is done! Move on!

These movies are not like Friday the 13th of TCM with new victims these are stories tying in the victims and making 7 with the political climate rn and how they got rid of THE TWO NEW FINAL GIRLS just to beg Sidney to make a comback while probably having the safest most generic plot with how many changes they probably had to make after the characters were gotten rid of.

I'm just not hyped for Scream 7 and probably won't watch it. Ya know, all good things have to come to an end. Even this fic in time has to end. And I think the execs bit off more than they can chew and are backpedaling instead of doing the reasonable thing and canceling and I hate that Neve and some writers etc are on board still

And let's be real; Scream is getting less believable with tech. 96? Yeah, I could see it! 2000's? Sure! But 2020 onward? With smartphones and smarthomes and ringdoorbells and dna collected its time to say good bye to something that has to move on! Scream 6 did a descent job with the multiple GF and Scream 4 despite me not liking it they did it best as far as preparing future Scream for the murders. Not to get away with it but to be caught and sell the footage. They SERIOUSLY could've ended at 4 and I would accept it :/

But whatever, they're still decent movies but 7 is just one I have no interest in truly watching. For me personally but thank you for asking and listening to me rant and hopefully if you want cheesy overdone meta tropes my fic will do the trick rather than the movies 😅🤞🖤

[addictedtostorytelling]

Hello, I love your blog, I just needed a little more from Billy&Jorja ship. My question is how do you think both of them would have reacted, if the flirtations-relationship had gone to something serious (if dinner with Terry had worked, Hank had left the girlfriend earlier... or Heather's ambiguity...) knowing that They love each other but they are with others uncomfortable at work and bad personally. I wait your answer thank you

hi, anon!

so if i'm understanding your question correctly, you're asking what would have happened had grissom and sara's midgame relationships not gone sour in the same ways they do in canon, yeah? like how they each would have negotiated those relationships going forward?

discussion after the "keep reading," if you're interested.

__

so, ultimately, i believe that as long as we don't change the fundamental premise that even when they are seeing other people, grissom and sara remain in love with each other throughout the entirety of the show, then all of the relationships you mention all come with expiration dates on them.

that so, while it's probable that the hypothetical scenarios you mention may have led to grissom and sara dating the respective partners in question for somewhat longer than they do in canon (or, in heather's case, led to grissom actually dating her period), i think the main outcome would be to delay an eventual gsr endgame rather than to altogether prevent it.

i've already talked about the teri miller and hank peddigrew hypotheticals here, if you're interested.

as for heather, she's a little bit of a different case, so i'll talk about her in a second.

suffice it to say that with teri and hank, i tend to think that unless the writers changed the fundamental premises of grissom and sara's characters (by writing them as somehow "getting over" each other and falling in love with the significant others in question instead), there was just never going to be a long-term future for either of those dating relationships.

without being in love with teri, grissom was always going to choose work over her when push came to shove, and she was always going to eventually become annoyed by him doing so and bounce.

without being in love with hank, sara was always going to keep him at arm's length emotionally, which, were he not also cheating on her/keeping her at arm's length emotionally himself, would have at some point led to tension between them, which then likely would have culminated either with him giving her an ultimatum she couldn't fulfill or just plain walking away, fed up by her refusal to open up to him.

so while grissom ignoring that phone call on his and teri's dinner date and hank not cheating on sara might have ultimately allowed both of those relationships to go on for a while longer than in canon they do, grissom was never going to marry teri and sara was never going to marry hank.

—and particularly not given the fact of them still being in love with each other otherwise, you know?

like.

while grissom might've initially been pleased to be able to share a few more dates with teri and maybe even potentially could have convinced himself for a time that dating her was a sensible/safe option—something to at least take his mind off of sara for the moment—eventually he would start to feel guilty, realizing that while teri was perhaps developing feelings for him, he was still himself very much in love with someone else.

the longer the relationship lasted and the more "serious" it became, the more uncomfortable he would feel, until eventually his conscience wouldn't allow him to continue to see her anymore, and either he'd break up with her or do something self-sabotaging that would cause her to break up with him.

likewise, though sara does continue to date hank for over a year in canon, she only really does so because he never presses her to "take the relationship to the next level." she's only comfortable in the relationship insofar as it remains casual.

but in a scenario where suddenly hank was able to actually be emotionally available to her and might someday want more of a commitment between them, she probably would get freaked out sooner rather than later; the second hank started asking her for more than she was willing to give, she'd turn weird and bounce, knowing that while he was a nice distraction for a while, he wasn't ultimately the man she wanted.

so basically any way you slice it, those relationships wouldn't have stood the test of time. they were always going to end at some point.

now.

as for the heather of it all, i also very much believe that despite their years-long canonical friendship and strong connection to each other, any sexual/romantic relationship between heather and grissom also wouldn't have lasted.

there are many reasons why i think so—including that they ultimately come from "two too different worlds" (with her being an outlaw and him in law enforcement); are likely sexually incompatible (with her being allosexual and him being demisexual and not sexually attracted to her*); both have a lot of emotional baggage that might make it difficult for them to truly open up to each other; how, in some ways (particularly early on), they fixate on the dark parts of their personalities when they are in each other's company, which is something that could be detrimental to both of them; and are even potentially possessed of different desires for what they might want out of a sexual/romantic relationship, just on a fundamental level (with her being less likely to want the domesticity and "vanilla-ness" that he seems to crave); etc.

* see that conversation they have in episode 02x08 "slaves of las vegas," where heather assumes that everyone needs to have sexual outlets and seems highly incredulous of the idea that (at that time) grissom simply doesn't have any.

however, i ultimately think that, again, kind of the deal-breaker with them would be that if grissom were still in love with sara, he could never fully commit to a sexual/romantic relationship with anyone else, including even heather.

while it's possible that he might be willing to try sleeping with her once or twice just to see how things went—perhaps having some subconscious notion that maybe if he just "closed his eyes and thought of england," he could eventually develop feelings for her (which would spare him the trouble of having to negotiate his feelings for sara otherwise)—i think that ultimately he'd realize that having sex/a romantic relationship with her was making him sad.

and because he does care about heather even though he doesn't love her, i don't think he'd be able to maintain the relationship in the long run, knowing that such were the case.

he wouldn't want to use her or potentially hurt her, you know?

as i talk about here,

it’s a matter of debate to what degree grissom and heather may be attracted to each other (phyiscally, intellectually, emotionally, sexually, etc.); what’s not open for debate is that however else he may feel about her, grissom isn’t romantically in love with heather.

as he states in episode 07x24 “living doll” and reiterates in episode 16x02 “immortality” pt. ii, sara is the only person he has ever romantically loved; though he’s grateful to heather for teaching him to be more open as a person, she’s not—and has seemingly never been—the object of his heart.

of course, love isn’t necessarily requisite for sex.

lots of people in this world have sex without being in love.

it’s just that gil grissom doesn’t want to be one of them. 

as he states in episode 07x21 “ending happy,” he personally prefers only to have sex with persons with whom he is in love, opining that “sex without love is pointless. it makes you sad.”

at some point, grissom realizes that sex without love makes him sad. either he just knows this fact about himself inherently—the same way that one can know their sexual orientation without ever having had sex with anyone—or he knows it because he’s had one or more bad sexual experiences (i.e., because he has had loveless sex, and it has made him sad).

we don’t know enough about grissom’s sexual history to say when he arrives at this realization or under what circumstances.

(his only two confirmed sexual partners, per the show, are julia holden and sara sidle, and the dates for his respective sexual relationships with them remain murky at best.)

but in regards to heather, bearing in mind that, by his own admission, he never romantically loves her, there are really only two possibilities:

either he already knows before he meets her that sex without love makes him sad or he learns that fact sometime afterward.

regardless, if grissom and heather were to have sex, that facet of grissom’s sexuality would come to bear in their relationship.

in the first case, if grissom already knows that sex without love makes him sad and he realizes that he’s not in love with heather, then it seems unlikely he would engage in sex with her, even if she were to come on to him, as, if he were to do so, their friendship would be at risk.

in the second case, well—

if grissom were to have sex with heather (without yet being aware of his own feelings regarding sex and love) and then afterward he were to realize that doing so made him feel sad, you can bet that he wouldn’t know how to handle that revelation within the context of their relationship. 

if she seemed to have enjoyed the sex when he didn’t, and especially if she seemed to want to continue their sexual relationship after the initial saddening encounter, then inevitably he would walk away from the experience feeling guilty. he’d wrestle internally with the problem of what to do—to tell her the truth (i.e., “i don’t actually like having sex with you. i’m not as into this as you are”) at the risk of hurting her feelings or to continue the relationship just to spare her feelings though he was making himself miserable in the process. 

if she didn’t seem to have enjoyed the sex, and especially if she withdrew from him afterward, then he’d still feel guilty, thinking that he was to blame, worrying that he’d done something wrong. he wouldn’t know how to broach the topic. he’d be ashamed of himself for engaging with her without being fully “into it.”

even if it were only a one-off encounter—a one time deal, as both of them understood things—he still might struggle with his emotions afterward, not knowing how to relate to heather as a friend.  

in any case, whatever sadness he felt inside of himself would only get worse as he considered the heather of it all. he’d not know how to talk about what he felt. he’d start to emotionally spiral.

so, again, same song as dance as with teri, ultimately: maybe if grissom had slept with heather during the events of episode 03x15 "lady heather's box," he might have then slept with/had a relationship with her for sometime afterward, too.

and it probably wouldn't have been awful from start to finish, because, honestly, though there are some fundamental incompatibilities between him and heather, there are also a lot of ways that they are very well-suited to each other, too—hence why they make such good friends.

like.

there probably could have been some happy times, at least for a while.

but eventually, as the relationship became more established/serious, the myriad incompatibilities would rear their ugly heads and/or grissom's conscience would start eating at him, and in order for there to be any chance of sparing the friendship, he and heather would ultimately have to break up.

in all three of these hypothetical scenarios, i think the bottom line is this: in any story world where grissom and sara have met and are in love with each other, they could never date anyone else for very long. their connection is just too strong to be ignored indefinitely.

so those midgame ships would always destined to be only that: midgame ships.

thanks for the question! please feel welcome to send another any time.

[denimbex1986]

'The “would have” is a moment in space and time that we turn to when the results of an action are not as expected and we need to regret what was not. But what if instead of using it as a mental punishment, it became an introspective journey to self-discovery? The movie All of Us Strangers responds to this .

The new film by Andrew Haigh ( Lean on Pete and Weekend ) tells the story of Adam, played by Andrew Scott, a gay screenwriter who has spent much of his life in solitude and is having difficulty writing his next project. At the same time, he goes through an existential crisis that has led him to remember his childhood. One night he has a chance encounter with his mysterious neighbor Harry (Paul Mescal), which sets a new pace in his life.

As the relationship between them develops, Adam also becomes more concerned with those memories of his childhood, until he suddenly finds himself dragged back to the town he grew up in, to his childhood home and where he "reunites." ” with his parents (played by Claire Foy and Jamie Bell) as if they hadn't died 30 years ago.

It is a strange journey in which we can discover everything that Adam has kept throughout his life, such as the feeling of abandonment, the lack of affection, having to fend for himself, isolation and loneliness as his only destiny.

The reunion with his nonexistent parents and the conversations that he would have liked to have with them are precisely what leads us to reflect on the true meaning and use of “would have.”

Jamie Bell himself, who plays Andrew Scott's father, tells us what it was like to build a character that in reality "does not exist", which was born from the deep desire for him to be alive.

“One of the things that led me to accept the role was that the script was very well written, I was really moved by the way this story is told. A topic like this is in itself sensitive and emotional, but having the element that Andrew (Haigh) has such a personal connection and a special perspective made it much more attractive,” said the also star of Billy Elliot (2000).

Another of the details that made Bell say yes to All of Us Strangers was Haigh's decision that, in the story, it was the mother who felt most uncomfortable with her son's sexual preferences, a very unusual approach in themes like this.

“I love Claire (Foy). Our part of the film is very specific in the narrative and she is a very skilled actress. She has a complicated role, she is the one who least accepts Adam, who she has become, and that was really interesting and refreshing and Claire handled it wonderfully,” she maintained.

Much of the emotional impact of All of Us Strangers comes from the tender and heartbreaking healing bond between Adam and his parents, who appear alive and are the same age they were when they died.

This gives an absurd sensation, but at the same time unique and very endearing, making it almost instantly feel normal. Regarding the construction of his character, Bell mentions the following:

“To bring the father to life I started thinking about the relationship I have with my father and, at the same time, the one I have with my children. So it is a mix of both angles.”

Likewise, it invites us to watch the film because it tells an endearing story full of very raw moments, but also the idea of ​​love as an impulse to continue living. All of Us Strangers is a reflection and an invitation to delve into those painful memories that do not allow us to move forward in life.

Jamie and Andrew

Jamie Bell is an actor originally from Billingham, United Kingdom, who rose to fame thanks to his role as Billy Elliot in the film of the same name. Since then he has participated in important films such as Jumper , Skinhead , Rocketman and Besieged . Andrew Haigh is a British filmmaker recognized for working with LGBTQ+ themes in his projects. Among the most important are Weekend (2011) and 45 Años (2015), for which he received excellent reviews. He now returns to the big screen with All of Us Strangers , out in theaters this February 29.'

[jeff141]

Reading Resolutions

New Years' resolutions never work out for me and usually three days into the new year, I have already dropped all expectations of completing my resolutions. I stopped making resolutions a couple years ago after countless efforts to go to the gym more, eat more healthier, and, especially, reading more books. It's unfortunate since reading used to be a pastime I greatly enjoyed but slowly throughout the years, has been phased out of my daily life either due to school or opting to play video games instead (not necessarily a bad thing however!). This year, having been graduated for a couple months, and now having an inordinate amount of free time, I decided to take a crack at reading once more but using a different approach instead.

My resolution is not to read X books or spend X hours reading, my resolution is to simply spend more time at the library. I found that forcing myself to read a specified amount of books or spend a determined amount of time reading stressed me too much to actually enjoy the act of reading. As such, revising my resolution to just spend time at the library took a significant amount of unnecessary stress off of my chest to meet goals. I'm not chained to meet a quota nor am I actually forced to simply read during my time at the public library. Other activities such as perusing the shelves, doing job searches on my laptop, prepping for my next DND session are some of the things that I have done while at the library. However, simply being in an environment where I am surrounded by books as well as having the free time to be able to enjoy reading without the obligation of meeting a pre-determined goal has naturally increased my enjoyment of reading and read more often. It’s made me a more productive person, especially at a time where I don’t have as much responsibilities as I did compared to when I was in college, with the added benefit of making me enjoy reading once more. Additionally, the services of the public library are amazing and should be taken advantaged by anyone who can get a library card. Tickets to most museums in my area as well as an opera showing at my local opera house that would have been 98 dollars? Sign me up! This is an advertisement to all public libraries in the world. Go get yourself a library card now!

What am I reading right now though? I wanted to read something by Kurt Vonnegut who is probably my favorite author. I would like to go through his entire catalog of books and so I started to read his second novel, The Sirens of Titans. This science fiction book centers on Malachi Constant, the luckiest man in the world and owner of the richest company in the U.S., Magnum Opus, as he travels through space after being foretold of his future by Winston Niles Rumfoord who is, by all means, "unstuck in time" (I wonder if Billy and Winston have met?) and is able to see far, far, far into the future. Winston became as he is because of something called a "chrono-synclastic infundibulum". Don't know what an infundibulum is? Ask your mother. 

As is with all Vonnegut books, the plot of this book is absolutely insane. You should expect to feel like you are being whiplashed from plot point to plot point whenever you read a Vonnegut novel. Yet the charm of Vonnegut is that despite his outlandish plots, bizarre characters, and literally out-of-this-world settings, Vonnegut has a keen understanding of what it means to live a human life and is, surprisingly, sensible in that manner. 

As I am writing this blog post I am about halfway through the book and it has been a great ride through outer space. I have read two novels of his before, Slaughterhouse Five and Breakfast of Champions, and thoroughly enjoyed both of them. A mainstay in many of Vonnegut's novels are rehashed and recycled characters, ideas, and place names that only people who have read Vonnegut's older novels would understand. And while not knowing Vonnegut's self-referenced lore certainly did not detract from my experience reading Slaughterhouse Five and Breakfast of Champions (SH5 especially), I really wanted to know where Vonnegut's ideas started and how they developed over time. Thankfully, his charm and prose are still ever present in The Sirens of Titans and it's amazing to see where many of the themes he wrote about in Slaughterhouse Five got their start here in The Sirens of Titans.

Here are two of my favorite lines in The Sirens of Titans so far (spoilers!):

"Look," said Rumfoord, "life for a punctual person is like a roller coaster." He turned to shiver his hands in her face. "All kinds of things are going to happen to you! Sure," he said, "I can see the whole roller coaster you're on. And sure — I could give you a piece of paper that would tell you about every dip and turn, warn you about every bogeyman that was going to pop out at you in the tunnels. But that wouldn't help you any." 

 "I don't see why not," said Beatrice. 

 "Because you'd still have to take the roller-coaster ride," said Rumfoord. "I didn't design the roller coaster, I don't own it, and I don't say who rides and who doesn't. I just know what it's shaped like."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Before turning to the signature, Unk tried to imagine the character and appearance of the writer. The writer was fearless. The writer was such a lover of truth that he would expose himself to any amount of pain in order to add to his store of truth. He was superior to Unk and Stony. He watched and recorded their subversive activities with love, amusement, and detachment... Unk turned the page and read the signature. I remain faithfullly yours--was the sentiment expressed above the signature... 

The signature was Unk's... It was literature in its finest sense, since it made Unk courageous, watchful, and secretly free." 

(I would love to have this tattooed on me someday, this entire chapter had me feeling things!)

A couple of other books I am currently reading are:

How Long Has This Been Going On by Ethan Mordden

Giovanni's Room by James Baldwin

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins

Wish me luck this year!

[undiscovered-horizon]

"Sick leave" - Yandere!Billy Russo x Reader

[TW: yandere trope/obsessive behavior + drug/medicine abuse + talk of murder and corpses + insults + nightmare]

SUMMARY: He didn't want you to go out with that guy, obviously. And you weren't open to his criticism, which left Billy with only one option - a necessary evil but he needed to buy himself some time, somehow. Where did he get paroxetine anyway?

Previously on Yandere!Billy Russo: ['There's something in the shadows'] ['Moving houses'] ['The art of deception']

Author's note: The fact that I have fun writing unhinged characters might not be a healthy thing lmao. This is getting progressively worse in the best possible way y'all

Continuation: ['Boobytraps']

He was livid and mainly because he was jealous, silently eating his breakfast as he watched you, too happy for his liking.

"Will that be too much for a casual dinner?" you asked him. Billy had a vague idea that you were talking about your clothes but was too busy brooding to pay attention to anything that you have been saying for the past 10 minutes.

"You worry too much, (Y/N)," he answered in the calmest tone he was able to produce. "It's gon' be fine."

"I haven't been on a date in months, I feel like I'm a schoolgirl again." Billy didn't want to admit that he was the sole reason none of your dates have worked out since you met him because then he would have only himself to blame for this entire situation and the anger that made foam form at his lips.

He wanted to punch something. Someone, preferably. You were so bright, giddy and happy, worried about what to wear, what makeup to do and what perfume to use and none of it was for him but for some whatshisface, who was probably just a troglodyte unable to see past your gorgeous face. Billy wanted to scream, kick and devastate whatever he could to take out the jealousy that boiled inside him. He was taking care of you, making you happy, getting rid of all the distractions separating you two and your undivided attention, as well as affection, were to be shoved into some stranger's hands. Unacceptable! Suddenly, Billy felt the urge to throw up thinking about you and your date being closer than six feet apart. He already planned to get rid of that audacious chimpanzee you were going out with but first, he needed the time to carry out his plan without raising your suspicion.

Suddenly, your phone started ringing from the bedroom and Billy was a breath away from believing in some higher power rooting for him.

"If it's Carol asking me to cover for her again, I'm going to throw hands, I swear to God," you said more to yourself than to him as you walked towards the bedroom, leaving the dress you wanted to wear hanging over the back of the chair you were sitting in before.

Billy watched as you disappeared behind the corner and, with exceptional speed, pulled out a small bottle of medicine from his pocket. Paroxetine. Carefully, he put two of those pink pills into your hot coffee, stirring the drink with the unused end of his knife. When you came back into the kitchen, there was no indication he had done something not quite correct. Billy's eyes trailed your movements as you took a sip of your coffee, frantically messaging someone with irritation. You haven't noticed anything weird about your drink. He smiled, knowing that his plan was going to work out.

"What?" you asked noticing the sudden change in his expression. "What's so funny?"

"I'm happy seeing you happy, sweetheart," he answered innocently. It wasn't exactly a lie, just not the whole truth.

"I'll drink to that," you joked and downed the rest of your coffee. Billy finished his breakfast completely content. He always gets what he wants.

"Hey, Billy," you dragged out the last syllable of his name. Something about you whining out his name made his heart do backflips while simultaneously his pants became a little tighter. The pout on your face made his conflicting sensations only stronger. "Can you check my temperature? I feel weird and not the fun kind."

"You can just text him you've changed your mind, you know?" he joked while putting the back of his hand against your forehead, almost missing the quiet 'not funny, Bill' you mumbled under your nose. Of course you didn't have a fever, he didn't need to check. The medicine has started to work as he had expected and that meant he could carry out the main part of his plan: "whatshisface goes down" or something like that.

"Just when I score a date with a hot guy I get sick." Billy thought your groan was adorable but wanted to tear apart his house hearing that you called someone who wasn't him 'hot'.

"Get some rest, darlin'," he said while fighting back the burning urge to kiss your forehead, although he knew you well enough to know that you wouldn't mind. It was more of a survival instinct that made him stop himself: if he indulges, just a little, there was no telling how much deeper the chasm of his obsessive madness will get and lack of control was something Billy feared more than anything. If he places his lips against your skin once, he wasn't sure he would have the strength to stop himself.

Billy waited until you were asleep to block your would-be date's number and left the apartment knowing that his whole operation had to be fit into 3 hours to not raise suspicion. He set his watch to count down from 180 minutes.

Although it wasn't the first time he dug a hole, it was definitely the first time he had to dig a grave and twice as deep, which was even harder considering that the dirt in the forest was damp, making it significantly heavier. To any possible observators, it would be quite impressive how effortlessly he threw the corpse into the hole. Then he covered the bagged body with a deer carcass, to throw off the tracking dogs if anyone actually cared enough about that guy to call the police.

"Serves you right," Billy said triumphantly to the corpse before he buried the body for good.

When he arrived home, twelve minutes before his timer ends, you were still in bed but not asleep anymore. Your body looked pathetically tiny, all curled up on his bed. He really wanted to get in there, lay with his arms around you but if you were to believe you were sick, he couldn't. There was a glass of water and some Advil on the bedside table.

"Feelin' better?" he asked. There was still some dirt on his fingers.

"No." Your sultry answer was barely audible from underneath the covers.

You woke up with sweat running down your body, damping your pajamas. The images from your nightmares were still fresh in your memory, flashes of horrifying scenes appearing whenever you closed your eyes: everyone who has left your life in the past few months suddenly reappearing and taking their sweet but sick revenge on you as if their sudden absence was completely your fault.

Feeling absolutely lost and confused in your terror and imagined guilt, you rubbed your eyes and sat up on the bed. Light from the streetlamps crept into the bedroom through the window, not seeming romantic anymore but very unsettling. Suddenly, the room felt very big, very lonely and impossibly dark, walls closing in on you and threatening to suffocate you. The closet door stood horrifyingly still as if waiting for the moment you look away to be opened by a creature too inhumanly terrifying to be comprehended by a human mind. You felt yourself jump at every creak that reached your ears. Tears of panic were stinging your eyes when you left the bed and, shaking slightly, hastily made your way to the living room where Billy slept.

You didn't want to be alone. Not after what you have seen in your nightmare.

"Hey, Billy," you whispered to him, your voice trembling slightly. He stirred awake almost immediately. Were all ex-marines light sleepers? "Sorry for waking you up but...I had a nightmare and I don't want to be alone."

Yes, that was mentioned on the bottle of paroxetine.

"Come 'ere," he said groggily as he pulled back the blanket he slept under, pretending as if your fearful voice didn't make him go absolutely feral inside. Whatever got you into such headspace, deserved to die in the most gruesome of ways.

But there was something positive in this 'unfortunate' occurence. You came to him looking for comfort. Maybe there is some higher power rooting for Billy, after all.

"Sorry for waking you up," you repeated as you crawled under the blanket, curling up on top of him. You were so small and vulnerable, he could do anything to you at that moment and it riled him up pretty badly. Billy's hands wrapped around you and he was about to burst feeling your cheek against his chest. It was the happiest moment of his life. You thought to yourself that for a lean man, he was very comfortable to lay on. "I'm probably gonna make you sick, so sorry for that too."

"Just get some sleep, princess. I've got you," he said quietly as he gently rubbed your back as if he was afraid that the moment would fade away, like a dream of a lover, should he make a more aggressive gesture. It felt absolutely right to Billy to have you in his arms, the safest and warmest place he could think of. The fact that you came to him looking for comfort was but a symptom of your growing affection towards him. Did you feel safer with him around? Was he the person you thought of going to when you have a problem? Was he the man you felt like you could depend on? Billy happily entertained the thought of you slowly realizing that no one can ever love you as much as he does.

He always got what he wanted and tonight he made two scores for the price of one.

____

@tnrthings