#but I digress. Buy what you need and not what you want. Save your money.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

What markers do you use and what kind paper? The textures are so Delicious

Very basic paper, actually! I find I overthink when using expensive stuff and it makes my sketches worse.

As for markers, I use Copics! Not that this is an endorsement (my first set were a very nice gift), but I have really liked using alcohol based markers over water based ones; lovely texture, good blending, and less streaking. However, the price can be *brutal*, and you can very easily get by with other markers + pencil crayons.

[mattalit]

Link x Male Reader

A/N: repost from wattpad

Length: 1.7k

Originally Published: Feb 23, 2023

CW: none

In his line of work, customers were infrequent, and new customers were almost unheard of. Regardless of the "untapped potential", as (M/N) often called it, of the Poe industry, it was an unsurprisingly under-utilized--or perhaps useless?--and unheard of industry, and his parents, when he visited them, would often remind him of that. Despite his parents' disfavor towards his particular career choice, (M/N) found it liberating: he had little to no competition, which meant more money for him; he had lots of free time, which he used to peruse different hobbies; and he was alone, which he liked. Well, he was alone outside of cases such as now, where a customer--a new customer, in this case--had wandered into his modest little shop in Castle Town.

The surprise of a new customer was largely (M/N)'s own fault. His shop was never open at the same time twice in a week, he never advertised (outside of an obligatory pamphlet in the Kakariko Village Graveyard, of course), and the only sign that indicated there was a shop here (and more than that, what the shop was) was posted in fine print on the door. All of this, combined with the obscure nature of the Poe industry, led to few, if any, customers in any given day. And when there were customers, they were the same regulars he had come to know since the founding of his little Poe boutique--all were sketchy, most were scummy, and one was crazy. To explain his regulars would be a digression, though, and something (M/N) could not ponder upon due to the current circumstances--that is, having a customer. Now was not the time for thinking; now was the time for quality Customer Service. So, kicking his feet back and forth from his perch on the counter, (M/N) put on his best Customer Service smile.

"Welcome! Are you here to sell or to buy?"

"Uh, I'm here to sell."

(M/N) did a once over his new customer. Blond. Obviously active and reasonably buff. Cool sword. An adventurer... I should send him on a quest. I'm sure he's not busy with other things.

"Of course. What do you bring me today?" the Poe merchant asked.

The blond held out a bottle.

"Oh! Let me see that." (M/N) grabbed the Poe and held it up to the light. Hmm. Orange aura. He tapped the bottle. Not too small, yet not a lot of space for it in this bottle. He ran through his mental list of local Poes. Rare! A Big Poe. Just what I needed. "Young man, you've brought me quite the specimen."

"What's it worth?"

"To your average person? Nothing. To me? 50 rupees, and if you want, 100 points on your tab."

"Tab?"

"Yessir, 'tab.' For Big Poes, which this is a Big Poe if I've ever seen one, I'll give you points on your tab. If you get 1000 points, I'll give you a special gift!" Without giving his new customer time to object, (M/N) continued, "Now, what's your name? I'll get the paperwork."

"It's Link."

On the top of the blank paper (official blank paper, mind you), (M/N) wrote, Link (blond twink) 100 points as of XX/XX/XX.

And now, it was time for (M/N) to sucker this new customer into doing his dirty work.

"...and you're all set, Link. A pleasure to meet you, by the way. I'm (M/N). Now, you seem like the adventuring type..."

Link sighed. As a worn out hero, he was used to this opening phrase, and it always led to some request. He was not particularly excited to undergo more (arguably) meaningless tasks, but he had little else to do now that he saved the world from evil or whatever. Perhaps something less dramatic would help him relax.

"What do you need me to do?"

Thank the Heavens! He took the bait.

"I'm looking to employ someone to do some hunting for me."

"Go on."

"A client of mine has requested 10 Big Poes from me. Unfortunately, they are particularly hard to find, and even harder to capture. Seeing as you've brought me a Big Poe, though, you are clearly more than capable. If you can get me 9 more, you'll have 1000 points and win a gift! Of course, I'll pay you accordingly for each Poe; I might even throw something extra in. I'll consider it an internship. What do you say?"

Now, Link didn't consider himself to be a ghost hunter, but in times like these, when his only choice was to eternal boredom or an "internship" with a some odd man, he was willing to do anything,

"I'll do it."

"Consider yourself employed, then! Welcome to the team, intern."

(M/N) wasn't expecting to see Link back so soon. Of course, it had been a week since Link had brought in his first Big Poe, but from what he had seen, a week to find a Big Poe was a new form of efficiency. He almost doubted the man even brought a Big Poe back.

"Back so soon?" The Poe merchant dropped his hood down, revealing his messy (H/L) (H/C) hair, and gazed questioningly at the adventurer.

"I think I've found a Big Poe."

"Oh, glorious! Hand it over." Link held out a bottle and (M/N) grasped it.

The merchant tentatively tapped the bottle. Hmm. He stared at it. Orange aura. He shook it. Definitely large.

"I dare say, Ghost Hunter, you've found us a Big Poe. You're exceeding my expectations," (M/N) said, pouring the Poe into a crate.

"I've, uh, had some experience with ghosts."

"In the Kakariko Graveyard?" Link nodded. "That's the bulk of my experience, too. We don't have Poes or ghosts where I'm from. Too cold, I suppose," (M/N) said, leaning back against the wall. "Anyways, I'm giving you a bonus for your hard work. 75 rupees. Oh! And 100 points to your tab. Keep it up--there's more where that came from."

Link gladly accepted the rupees it, placing them into his wallet. "So, where is it 'too cold' for Poes? I've seen Poes all over Hyrule."

(M/N) looked at Link and tilted his head. "You can't tell? I'm not from Hyrule. I'm from somewhere much more North. It's a small town. It doesn't rain there; it only snows."

"And you came all this way to sell... Poes?"

"To sell and to buy Poes, yes," (M/N) responded indignanty. "It's a niche interest of mine." He glanced up and down at Link. "And what about you? You're awfully pretty compared to the people around here. Where are you from? What do you do?"

Link considered telling the truth about his majestic adventures, his conquest to save this very apocalyptic town they were currently in, but he decided against it. Despite the idiosyncrasies of his newfound "employer," he wanted to put his temple-diving, life-risking adventuring days behind him... at least for a while.

"I'm from a small village in the south-east, near the forest. I'm an adventurer."

"An 'adventurer', mysterious! Y'know, if I was pretty like you, I'd be doing a different sort of business." (M/N) leaned forward, arms crossed, and offered a flirtatious wink. Link flushed a dark red. Before he could respond, (M/N) was already dismissing him with a wave of his hand. "Anyways, a pleasure as always. I expect to see you again soon with more Big Poes! Scurry long now."

And a week later, (M/N) did see Link, who brought a Big Poe. And a week after that, another Big Poe. And a two weeks after that, two Big Poes. And now, Link was prepared to drop off his seventh.

Unlike his usual visits to the shop, though, the torches were unlit and no light escaped from the windows. Regardless of what is considered "acceptable" when no one appears to be home, Link, with a key gifted to him by (M/N), unlocked the door and tentatively opened it.

"(M/N)?" he called into the darkness. He did not receive a response.

Link closed the door behind him, and, in the soft glow of the moonlight, crept across the room. Again, he called out.

"Ugh," a tired voice called out, "Link?" Lantern light floods through an open door into the store, and the hunched frame of (M/N) followed it. He wore a pair of shorts and nothing else. He rubbed one eye and lazily looked at Link with the other. "It's awfully late to be doing business."

Link blushed lightly in embarrassment. "Oh, uh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you'd be asleep."

(M/N) gave him an odd look. "Link, it must be, what? Three in the morning?" He sighed. "What are you doing here?"

Link didn't respond right away. While he had, in fact, showed up to do business, he didn't want to admit that seeing the merchant's sleepiness.

(M/N) sighed again. "Oh, whatever, it doesn't matter. Come on, Link, let's have a sleep over."

Link hesitantly followed (M/N) into the adjoining room. (M/N)'s room was small, containing a mat and blankets serving as a makeshift bed. A milk crate next to the bed served as a table. Haphazard stacks of books on ghosts and supernatural creatures filled up a corner.

"Sorry it's so small," (M/N) said, scratching his naked chest. "I'm not exactly, uh, used to company." He eased himself onto the mat, laying down with his arms behind his head. He gave Link a once over. "I hope you don't plan on bringing a sword to bed."

"Oh! Right." Link discarded his sword and shield and outer layers of clothes in a corner. To avoid scandal and remain modest, he left his pants and undershirt on. Then, when (M/N) patted the space next to him, sat down. Link's body was noticeably tense, and he seemed unsure of what to do.

"For a ghost-killing adventurer, you're awfully new to sleep overs," (M/N) joked. "Don't worry, pretty boy, I don't bite." He extinguished the flame in his lantern, then furrowed his brows in thought. "Well, unless you're into that."

Link didn't respond, but taking a deep breath to relax, he laid next to the (H/C) man. The dark itself served as a shield against the outside world, and for a moment, Link felt safe.  It was a simple moment of peace, free from adventuring, free from responsibility, and free from near-death experiences. I could get used to this, he thought.

He felt an arm slowly make its way around his waist. "Is this okay?" came (M/N)'s gentle whisper.

"Yeah," Link replied breathlessly, "it's okay."

"Good." (M/N) softly tugged him closer and let out a content sigh that tickled Link's neck. "Good night, Link."

"Good night, (M/N)."

[eliastheflyest]

Vent post. Kinda nasty too if you got a weak stomach. First real independent vacation and it wound up so foul

flew halfway across the country to meet my online bestie and our other friend & turns out other friend has the literal worst hygiene I have ever been adjacent to in my life. And we all got an airbnb together. I have wretched several times a day for the past several days. For various reasons. And I shall try to spare you some of the details. But idk I gotta let this out

He smells SO bad that he stinks up entire rooms and the smell does not go away when he leaves. He was gone for hours today and we opened windows and doors—in winter in the Midwest— sprayed air freshener (WHICH I HATE BUT ANYTHINF WE COULD DO WAS WOrth it fjsjdjdjfj) and it took hours to even become alright.

I’m embarrassed. For him and for me. I should’ve kicked him out. He lives here he could’ve just gone home. But I’m pathologically conflict-avoidant. It has always been an obstacle that drastically reduces my quality of life. I don’t want to make things awkward or hurt someone’s feelings—god it would’ve been easier if he wasn’t a nice person—so instead I choose to suffer for days on end and borderline ruin my vacation instead. I’m really trying not to be disappointed in myself, but... ugh. Learning experience? I wanna say that but what’s the point of the learning if I don’t utilize that to stop this type of thing from happening.

It’s understandable my reluctance though. It’s so bad with this person that I don’t know how to even address it. It triggers my anxiety so much it’s paralyzing. How on gaia’s green earth can an adult person capable of showering when they want SMELL THIS BAD? How are you pissing all over the floor so consistently? Why is your urine so sticky? How can a bathroom floor get this sticky so quickly? How do you not know you smell so fucking disgusting? Why did you put shitty TP in both bathroom garbages and not at LEAST cover it up a little bit so we don’t have to look at it??

Why did I not face the mild awkwardness of covering the couches in towels to stop the inevitable disgusting ass-stain on the couch that I may have to pay for in damages now that it surely happened?

All y’all Chicago motherfuckers were weird. I will not be back any time soon, and if so you will not be aware

-K: I knew you were abrasive and a self-proclaimed asshole but could you at least read the room? I just met you, why would you feel the need to say rude shit like joke about my “tired sad dead eyes” or that I’m “no offense, a little awkward?” Why would you need to say these things to a person you just met, completely unwarranted? The awkward comment at least had relevance to the conversation but why would you say mean things about someone’s appearance when you don’t know them and should really know by then that my sense of humor was not revolving around deprecation and negativity? You don’t know how shitty this is huh? Or do you just not care?

Please don’t offer to pay for pizza then ask everyone to chip in on the bill when I ordered literally nothing, you ordered a second round of drinks for two other people who did not ask for them. Please don’t overshare about your husbands libido as the first but if information we learn about him.

Please don’t literally buy second beers and literally push the beers on someone who A) said they didn’t want them and B) is so visibly hungover the first words out of your mouth were “are you okay?” Hair of the dog is not a valid experience for me. I don’t understand people who have essentially overdosed on alcohol remedying it by doing more. That’s kind of addict behavior, but I digress. It doesn’t work for me. I said I didn’t want it. Listen to people’s responsesz

Worst of all: you worked at a vet clinic (NOT practicing medicine I’m pretty sure) you are not qualified to administer drugs unprescribed to your kitten to save money and not go to the vet. Nor dress its wounds. You didn’t sterilize anything when their bandage came off you didn’t even wash your fucking hands first. Negligent. Dangerous. Really unfortunate, and not cool. And negligent.

God I hope that cat is okay. Also the cat isn’t stupid for slicing its foot on something, YOU were irresponsible for leaving something sharp out in such a manner? Stop endlessly insulting and shit talking your cat it may not understand your words but that negativity is translating.

-A: I know you have a crush on me and I understand you were prob nervous but when someone is out of town and ubered clear across your town to meet you at your bar you like, you should really try harder to talk to them. I’m too dense to realize why you’re avoiding me but why not at least engage with the other out of town friend? Weird, dude.

-B: you stink you stink you stink you fucking REEK you smell so fucking bad there is no excuse for this as you are physically capable of cleaning yourself!!!! You can’t just let water run over your body you need to scrub your fucking body!!! Why is that so hard? Please you are a fucking biohazard also you’re paying the damage fee on this couch if they can’t get the nasty ass stain out. You’ve gotta be aware of you have swamp ass at LEAST put a fucking blanket or towel down or ??? Anything?? Wipe your ass?? Wet wipes??? Something?? Diapers!? I dunno you’re a grown ass man WASH YOUR ASS MORE

Also why would it have been okay to bring someone over to our airbnb to sleep over? Without? Asking?? This person I don’t know?? When the place is rented in my name? Granted they ditched us at the bar (HMMM I WONDER WHY) but I was really gonna have to be that buzzkill guy like uhhh hi I don’t know you you can’t sleep here

I was mortified every time we got in an uber. My mom is in a care home wearing diapers and the home smells like piss—noticeable through my mask—and it still smells less bad. I haven’t been able to look him in the eyes for the past day. I know I should say something just out of concern for his wellbeing but it feels too intense. I find it very hard to believe he doesn’t know. Smelling kinda bad can go unnoticed but this is otherwordly.

ALSO READ THE ROOM STOP GRABBING MY FRIENDS UPPER THIGH? He tenses up when you hug him? Hint hint? Don’t put your head in his lap? DONT TRY TO OPEN HIS BEDROOM DOOR WITHOUR KNOCKING??? How are you so socially unaware dude we’re all not that close yet? Also staring is rude lol like sure flirt a bit and shoot your shot but if it’s not returned or reciprocated or encouraged or received obviously well then STOP HALT CEASE

TAKE BETTER CARE OF YOURSELF!! IF NOT FOR YOU THEN FOR OTHERS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[snifflesthemouse]

A Letter To Harry

Dear Harry,

My name is Nunya Business. I just want to take the time out of my life to clue you in on something I had to learn the hardest of ways. If my life lessons can save you the pain and suffering I went through, while indirectly saving the rest of us the pain and suffering from hearing about your pain and suffering, so be it. Let me begin.

You see, Harry, my mom died when I was 25. She was 47. She was bedridden the last ten years of her life. So that means she was permanently confined to a hospital bed for ten solid years, beginning when I was 15. That also means I watched her die slowly for ten years. By the time I was 16, I was trained in wound care management. I was also working 40+ hours a week at a fast-food place and attending school whenever I could. Even though I missed a lot of school, I still carried straight As. I always had great grades in school; I was getting scholarship recruitment letters by the time I was 15. I was brilliant. Still yet, I dropped out of high school by the second day of twelfth grade.

Unlike the traumatic lifestyle of servants and wealth, I was brought up extremely poor. The state paid for our school clothes through clothing vouchers. My dad worked a full-time job from the time he was sixteen until he retired AFTER my mom died. But my mom never held a job, drove a car, got a GED or photo ID, and missed out on a lot of living. So, he was the only source of income until I was old enough to help with the medical bills. He was 18 years older than she was. He only kept working after he reached retirement age because she needed insurance, but I digress. Back to the poor me part of my letter.

Here I was. Sixteen, early into my budding painkiller addiction, working full time, essentially homeschooling myself, taking care of my mother, AND still hoping I could make it out of there. SPOILERS: I DIDN’T MAKE IT OUT OF THERE. You know why? I played the same hand you play now. The poor me, poor me, pour me cards. I started taking my mom’s pain pills for my migraines. One didn’t really go full blown migraine on me one day, and I got high. By the middle of my tenth-grade year, I was having four Percocet tens and a chocolate milk for breakfast. For lunch I had a nap after fighting in and out of nodding off high for the first four periods. Eventually, that drug addiction got insane out of hand. I went from prescription pain killers to shooting heroin within 5 years. I went from never having a detention to having a felony credit card fraud charge and ten years over my head. I didn’t have old money to buy my excuses. I went to prison.

Unlike you, Harry, I wasn’t able to go to immaculate rehabs or have my family bail me out of trouble. I wasn’t able to do hard drugs and become a binger alcoholic behind the scenes, then just “quit” without issue. Something tells me neither were you. I’ve met a ton of addicts and alcoholics. Both say the same. After a month of the same nonsense, the addiction was rooted. So please explain to me how you managed to escape the severities associated with heavy drug use and drinking without withdrawing or getting hooked. Seriously, because you’d be the first person impervious to addiction. Most all of us have to fight the fight of our lives to get and stay clean. I know, I’ve managed almost 6 years now. What about you?

No, like us regular folk, I had to go about sobriety the long, hard route. But of course, it cost waaayy more than you’d ever understand.

Your partying days in Nazi uniforms didn’t cost a thing compared to how much they can cost regular people. By 17, I was already shacked up with a psychopath ten years my senior who literally ended up killing my childhood best friend’s fiancé. Not even exaggerating. My ex killed my ex-best friend’s fiancé in the living room of the house I grew up in, in front of my mom and dad. A month before my mom died, actually. My ex-boyfriend did some major fuck shit to me, and I have a history of dating abusers, but I won’t get into that. Just know 50 Shades isn’t sexy to me and hearing old country music instantly makes my face hurt from getting full beer cans chucked at me… Oh and ya know what, Harry? Turns out if I kept dating psychopaths who hit me… the real problem wasn’t who I was dating. It was ME. But again I digress. Sorry Harry.

I lost my friend who was murdered by my ex at my parents’ home a month before my mother died and two months before I was sent to prison. I struggled with addiction from the time I was 16 until my last relapse 3 July 2015. I dropped out of high school because of my drug addiction, then dropped out of college after getting my GED and a scholarship. 

My mother first introduced me to pain pills. She didn’t realize what she was doing and all, but she just thought she was helping her daughter get through a migraine. I got hooked. I robbed everyone I ever loved and didn’t give two shits about the people I hurt. To this day, I still struggle with caring about people. But again, I digress.

My point is this, Harry. I’ve personally been through fifty times more shit than you have. I watched my mother die slowly over ten years. I watched her gasp for air and cry in the night for God to just take her out of this world so she’d not be in pain anymore. I have lost most everyone I hold near and dear to me simply because I failed to show any self respect, accountability, or acceptance. I didn’t have parents cleaning up my messes with money. I didn’t have castles and privileges to boot when the newspapers ran the stories where I was sentenced to prison. No. I had to face the music and learn the world could fucking care less about how I feel.

Now is time you learn this lesson, too. The world is not fair. What you feel is not important. All that matters is what you do with how you feel. Nobody, and I mean absofuckinglutely NOBODY gives two shits about how you feel; the only reason people watch is because they are nosey. The only reason Oprah makes shows with you is to exploit your story for financial gain, like some type of trauma porn. Your wife isn’t looking out for you if she’s letting you incriminate yourself like that on TV and all, either. I know what you are going through, as I have dated one of those. It didn’t end well for me, and it will not end well for you.

Final note, Harry. Your family in the UK have loved and protected you for your entire life. Everyone accommodated you in your naked billiards in Los Angeles and Calgary. They did more than you could understand. Before it’s too late, and they finally get tired of your repeated bullshit, and trust me Harry, they will… make up with them. If that means ditching the wife, ditch her. Because she’s going to ditch you soon enough.

Trauma isn’t a renewable resource, my love. People are tired of your greatest hits on repeat. Better start the plans to turn that wife into the second act soon or the checks will start bouncing faster than those moon bumps. Oh and another thing, man the fuck up! Everyone has problems. You are not special. You’re not even a spare anymore. You’ve been replaced on all that. So why the hell do you still hold onto your childhood the way you do? Or those titles like you do? Oh you must be a masochist. You must like it.

Sincerely,

Nunya Business

[squirrelno2]

Sometimes your friend says something and you make a joke and then you launch off into an almost completely unrelated tangent... Anyway @blackandblue13 this one is for you, because I have officially been thinking about dancer!Reggie for about twelve hours

He doesn't do a lot of styles - he needs time for music! - but when he was little his parents tried to put him in a bunch of different activities the way parents do when they decide they can't deal with The Energy

They were really hoping he'd go for soccer but he liked ballet because it wasn't competitive and therefore was a lot less stressful

(dancer to musician pipeline, my boy figured out he liked performing and music from this, his first instrument was probably something in the orchestra)

He has that very fond look on his face watching Alex dance because ooh boy Alex is not trained but at least he's having a great time (not in a condescending way but like. Its great watching untrained dancers. I feel very proud of them. Reggie does too)

He probably actually tried to teach Alex a few things, and now I'm thinking about those clips I've seen of Jeremy shada trying to do ballet but role reversal and Alex is the one doing... Interesting things with passé

(look I am a dance teacher and anyone can dance these jokes are not dismissive, it's just my favourite thing in the world watching people try ballet for the first time because nothing brings an adult back to being five years old again like trying to figure out what on earth an arabesque is and i simply think it's beautiful to watch. Ballet is a difficult hellscape. I digress)

Reggie showing up to Julie and Flynn's dance classes sometimes because he hasn't done a lot of that style (which to my eye seems like a studio bastardisation of hip-hop or jazz) but it's got dance and also his friends! He plays multiple instruments canonically this boy doesn't care about genre, only vibes

He finds out about a nonbinary dancer who's working towards doing pointe professionally in a context that isn't the usual drag/comedic male pointe bits (this is a real life person whose name unfortunately I forget but somebody is really out there doing the good work of challenging gender in ballet at a company) and gets kind of jealous because he wanted to do that!

This leads to his friends pooling their resources (Luke left some money for himself in the garage that was not discovered in the interim? I'll save angsty Luke runaway thoughts for another post) and buying pointe shoes. The woman who sells the shoes to Julie is concerned because you really should be trying the shoes on to make sure they work for you since every brand and style is different but it's not like Julie can say "oh yeah he's just gonna haunt these shoes for a bit" so it is what it is

Reggie is very excited and also wow his toes hurt a lot. Like any pointe dancer he definitely shows off every new foot injury he gains, which gets old for everyone else very quickly

He is very used to quick changes and being around people in states of undress - this is why this post is baneet's fault - and will just. Forget a shirt or pants sometimes and realise when the breeze feels weird. Yes I have done this. Sometimes you just gotta walk out of the bathroom while you're still pulling your leotard up it's fiiiine. (At least Reggie is allowed to walk around without a shirt)

I may add on to this because I definitely had more thoughts last night at 1 am but hey. Have this absolutely nonsense series of headcanons you're welcome

[burningspy]

I had a casual friend (not that close, but still a friend) complain a bit because I bought a PS5, but didn’t give them any money when they asked for help recently.

I understand my actions may seem a bit selfish at first, but there are a few reasons why I used my money the way I did instead of giving it away.

I’m not here to help bail anyone out of their self-imposed disasters. I have another, closer friend that recently received a kidney after waiting on the transplant list for nearly a decade! He asked people to help with some of his medical bills and I have no problem donating to a friend in need like that. But when your situation is the direct result of your own massively idiotic decisions (especially if it’s not the first time this has happened), then I will not be giving my money away to you.

It’s my money and I will do whatever I want with it! I work very hard for what I have and I deserve to use it in any way I see fit. If that means buying an expensive video game system to help me unwind and have some fun in my free time, then so be it! I have been planning and saving up for this exact purchase for over a year.

Most importantly, I did not use any of my cash or credit cards to buy this thing. I actually used $550 in gift cards I got from cashback rewards that I accrued using the Ibotta app! (Seriously, you should use this app. I typically earn at least $10 - $20 each week just from my normal grocery shopping. This isn’t an ad, but if you don’t already use this thing and want my referral code, send me a message and let me know. That way if you sign up both of us might earn a little bonus! But I digress...)

Don’t bitch at me for not helping you out every time you ask. Maybe you should actually try putting a bit more effort in to things instead of constantly doing the bare minimum (or less) and complaining that you have nothing and are getting nowhere in life!

If you ever have a genuine need after some random situation that was totally out of your control, then maybe ask me for help. But as long as you keep wasting what little money you earn on concerts, alcohol, drugs, and other pointless shit, then you are on your own.

I’ve been at the point where I frequently had $0.00 in my bank account and maxed out credit cards; always on the verge of being bankrupt and homeless because I struggled to pay my bills every month. I spent several years like that. It wasn’t until I started working harder and busting my ass to try and improve my situation that I was finally able to start digging myself out of that extremely deep hole. It took me almost 10 years to get out of that, and I am finally at a point where I can afford to buy some nicer and more expensive things. And I will enjoy every bit of it for as long as I can!

[ohnobjyx]

Would it be that impossible for dd and gg to come out as a couple (provided they respected censorship and didn't talk about it with the media)? I read the other day that homosexuality is not illegal in China, just talking about it and showing in the media, so could not someone as brave and crazy as dd attempt to come out outside of the media? after all they are the first 3 shipped real couples in china, they do have support. Coming out willingly would also save them from being eventually outed..

Hi, anon! (*this blogger cracks her neck and gets ready*) Let’s get into it!

Disclaimer: fake fake fake. Why would you think that we believe in bjyx?

Preface: this post might not be exactly a controversial opinion, since I think many will have the same one. However, it’s alright to disagree: we all have our own perception of the matter, which is coloured by our own experiences (let’s just say that an absolute objective view is difficult). I present here with the most objective post (at least in terms of data and facts) I could write.

Oh, and you all might have noticed, but being concise is not my forte. I tend to digress.

First of all, I assume that the concept of “coming out outside of the media” means that they could have told just close friends and family, without announcing it to the media.

But how would we know that they have done it? (and I don’t mean we should know for sure, ofc). For all we know, they may have already done this, and, from my pov, they probably have. Without entering in “fake” rumours:

TTXS bros know something (repeating myself for the nth time). From the way DZW jumps in whenever it remotely looks like dd is slipping up, how WH poses his questions, how QF teases him. It all seems references to a real, tangible thing, instead of baseless friendly teasing. It’s also very interesting that they have stopped their matchmaking mission and have instead started to defend why dd is “single”.

Their parents are their cover. Even if dd parents didn’t watch TTXS, wouldn’t someone else watch it and ask them about it? Wouldn’t they wonder about the supposed clothes that dd sends home, the medicine, the market stroll? Maybe I’m just projecting, but I wouldn’t use my parents as a shield if they weren’t aware of the situation behind it, because I’d be subjected to their questioning later. That’s why, unless I wanted to tell them or I had already told them, I wouldn’t use my parents as an excuse. So, once is alright, but dd has done it several times, and that, for me, means that his parents know.

That’s what I would consider “coming outside the media”. Of course, this doesn’t involve us fans, and it’s their decision, of which we probably will never hear about (or, at least, not soon, and that’s fine!). 

In my opinion, it’s also the best course of action, especially with all the rumours that are always circulating about them. It wouldn’t be a “brave and crazy” course of action, but rather the most sensible and rational, since it’s the best way to avoid misunderstandings with your friends and family. It’s also considerate for his friends at work, just so they know what to expect when they are on stage and it allows them to understand dd’s reactions.

(Again, we are talking about dd because that’s who anon asked about. I think gg’s circle is less close to him, so it may not be the case with him, but I don’t know enough to say what would happen).

Just let’s suppose his TTXS bros didn’t know anything and just kept trying to act as matchmakers for dd. That’s the kind of situation that’s bound to be uncomfortable for everyone because dd isn’t the kind of person who’d lie (and he doesn’t fast enough to improptu questions). 

The second thing I wanted to talk about is their fans’ support. I want to talk about numbers.

I’m going to explain why I only take the c-fans data as reference. We int fans don’t really count, because we don’t affect their careers directly, as c-fans do. Of course, our support is very useful in showing how many people are rooting for them, like what happened when Roseonly’s livestream with gg was live. And I like to think that they would feel better knowing that there are a lot of people in Chn and overseas that support them and whatever there is between them.

So int-fans do contribute to give more views and likes to their Roseonly livestream (if they can access it, which isn’t always the case), but they won’t buy the roses and impact with real money, so to say.

We don’t really participate in their endorsements, many won’t stay long enough to watch more dramas from them (and I do understand that the lack of eng subs is the main problem), and many don’t/can’t/don’t know how to push them up in the charts. We’ve talked before about how the c-ent industry doesn’t really need the int audience to make a lot of money, and to be highly profitable, and it still applies in a smaller case, like a single idol. 

That’s why I think that in matters of real, tangible fan support, c-fans still make a bigger percentage (around 80-90%) of their support.

So, as of now, there are 3 supertopics in w/ibo that features gg/dd (let’s leave the difference in supertopics for another day, but I don’t support the discussion about people’s sex life, thanks for your understanding):

BJYX. The largest supertopic (top 1) with a wide margin from the others. It has 2.570.000 fans.

ZSWW. It’s the number 5 in the CP supertopics, with 910.000 fans.

LXFY. The number 23 in the CP supertopics with 590.000 fans.

All of them added make 4.070.000 fans. But we have to take into account the overlapping in these three supertopics: many people (like me) are following the three supertopics at the same time. That’s why, in a not scientific way, I’m guessing that those 4.070.000 come to around 4.000.000 once you take out the people that are following the three at the same time.

Even 4 million people is still a huge number of people: that’s more people than the population of the capital of my country, and one tenth of the total census here.

Yet, in China, it means 4 out of every 1400, which translates into 0′003%. It’s also from a very specific demographic (mainly female and young). Of course, it doesn’t mean that they won’t get support from other people if it ever got out, but they can’t know what would happen then for sure.

It means that, in actual 3D world, there are a lot of people who don’t know about their CP. I read the other day some tumblr blogger saying that “we bxg are in our own little bubble, not that many people know about their cp” (was that you, @jcisthebestfightme?) which I agree a lot with. I mean, my w/ibo account and tumblr is filled with bjyx/yizhan, so much that it’s easy to forget that I arranged it to be like this, but that the majority of the people don’t receive so much info about them, nor they analyze their every move like we do.

The only thing they can know for sure is what general population thinks about same sex relationships.

In a recent poll I saw, with thousands of answers about what netizens thought of the legalization of same sex marriage in Taiwan, the supporting votes didn’t get to 50%. In Taiwan, public opinion was like this around the time same sex marriage was legalized:

An opinion poll conducted in November 2016 by the Kuomintang found that 52% of the Taiwanese population supported same-sex marriage, while 43% were opposed. Another poll commissioned that same month found similar numbers: 55% in support, and 45% in opposition. Support was higher among 20–29-year-olds (80%), but decreased significantly with age. (Wikipedia)

(I just want to say, I can’t wait for the younger generations to take over).

More data: the public stance in China could be described as: “no approval, no disapproval, no promotion”, and the public opinion is becoming more and more tolerant, but there’s still a deep-set homophobia, as in only 5% of the lgbt people comes out completely (around 20% comes out to their family), and around 80% of gay men are married to women due to social and family pressure (ofc, these data is from a few years ago, and new polls and surveys are needed, but don’t expect them to carry out a wide-range survey about this nor I think the situation has changed drastically).

In my opinion, society is slowly taking more steps towards tolerance first and acceptance second. One of their best achievement was the lgbt community and many netizens’ refusal to allow w/ibo to instate a ban on content related to homosexuality, which led to w/ibo actually reversing its decision and stop banning that content in less than 3 days.

However, the fact that a lot of people express their support doesn’t take away the truth of a lot of people openly opposing it (let’s remember that there weren’t so many antis to start with in 2/27, but its effects were undeniably large and unjust).

(If any of you read more data about lgbt rights in China, please remember that Hong Kong receives a lot more Western influence, and that public opinion in HK does not represent the actual situation in mainland Chn. Ofc, because they’re more open to lgbt, there are also more data and polls carried out in HK, so a lot of info is HK based).

Leaving this kind of data aside, let’s take another matter of numbers. While they have in total 4 million fans in the supertopics, dd has as of now 35,400,000 fans following him on w/ibo and gg has 26,690,000 fans.

One thing I’m sure they are aware of is the discussion that arises from time to time between the solo fans and the bxg. Another thing they must be aware of, specially dd, is that their fanbase has a lot of females who are their fans, not just because of their talent, but also because they’re single and therefore they can fantasize about being with them.

All in all, even though a lot of people support them, there would be also quite a number of “disappointed” people, with the danger of them becoming antis.

So while I do think they appreciate it, and leave clues specifically for us, and dd goes as far as interacting with bxg, I also feel that gg and dd might not see widespread support, enough so they’d feel comfortable coming out completely with the current public stance on homosexual relationships in Chn.

(And again, from my pov, they aren’t in the closet with their family and friends).

And last, but not least, does “coming out respecting the censorship and not talking about it with the media” mean that it would be known by the general public, or, at least, their fans (in a very hypothetic case, since I don’t know how this could be achieved)? Because then, even if they didn’t talk about it with the media, it would be as good as coming out publicly.

In an idol’s life there’s no “private” and “public”. There’s only “public” and “secret” (and by secret I mean things they “hide” in public/don’t talk about, even though people next to them might know about it). The line between public and private is very very blurred in the c-ent industry.

I always remember the case of an actor who had an affair. Because of his affair (he was married and had a son), he lost endorsements, he was taken out of tv programs and literally erased from filmed episodes. The things he did in private affected very directly his job (I don’t approve of the affair, but the consequences it had surprised me a lot). 

So, while I do think that gg and dd are getting bolder with time, when they were both very startled by the “you’d lose your job if you were in a relationship” phrase, the fear was real and palpable. However, I’m aware that that was their stance a year ago, and that a lot of things have changed (heck, we’ve gone through a pandemic, something I couldn’t have imagined a year ago), so I’m going to observe how they act from now.

That’s why, “coming out willingly would also save them from being eventually outed..” is true, but it’s also true that it would push them into a storm I’m not sure they’d come out completely unscathed. And it may be selfish, but I don’t want them to be the ones who test the public’s tolerance to gay idols.

I think I’m missing my point, so I’ll spell it out: if they want to come out, I’ll support them with everything I have, as I think many fans will do. If they ever prove us wrong dating another person, be it male or female, I’ll support them as a fan too. But I would like any action they take to be decided by them, instead of pressed by fans who just want a confirmation at any cost.

I’ve seen people saying that if they were really together, they should be “honest” with themselves and the audience and come out publicly. In my opinion, it’s easy to judge when you’re not the one who might lose something if you take a step in the wrong direction, and it’s not your income and your job in the line.

I’m sure (reminding you all that I believe that bjyxszd) that they’d come out completely if possible. I’m also sure that they have consulted with managers and public relations experts (and their team would have talked with them about it even if gg and dd didn’t bring it up). Therefore, I strongly believe they are doing what they think is better at the time being. 

To sum up: I’ll support whatever they do, but I don’t want others to push them to do things they don’t want/aren’t prepared to do. They are already between a rock and a hard place, so whatever they do with their relationship is absolutely their call.

So, anon, I hope I have answered you, but I leave here a short summary for you in the case the info was too scattered for you:

Would it be that impossible for dd and gg to come out as a couple (provided they respected censorship and didn't talk about it with the media)? I read the other day that homosexuality is not illegal in China, just talking about it and showing in the media, so could not someone as brave and crazy as dd attempt to come out outside of the media?

They might have come out to friends and family, and, based on dd’s interactions with the people around him and the words he has said, I do believe he has. Because gg is also an honest, sensible person, I think he might have done the same.

after all they are the first 3 shipped real couples in china, they do have support 

Chn is a big country. That means that in terms of public support, sometimes numbers that would be astronomically high in other countries, is not so much in Chn. Translating numbers into percentage, a 1% means 14 million people.

So it’s true that they have a lot of people supporting them, of course. 2 million people is a lot of people, especially considering that many don’t know about them. But when you have to take into account the general public (because it’d be a scandal), since their fans aren’t the only ones interacting with them, it’s still a low number.

Coming out willingly would also save them from being eventually outed.. 

That’s true in the case of family and friends. But if you’re talking about being outed in the media, that’s not possible. Known by the fans = Public.

And remember that in this case, the media wouldn’t talk about them, since talking about homosexuality in the media is prohibited. The problem would come from within the industry and the antis.

[serifsans]

As of late, I have been enamored with shopping malls.

No, no, I really must correct that. I detest shopping malls, which obviously explains why I keep finding myself inside of them. I love to see and be seen but I just can't stand crowds. I dread passing kiosks. They accost you. If I had wanted to buy whatever sugar scrub you're selling, I already would have. Everything smells like pretzels. There is a place selling cheesecake. I love cheesecake. The cheesecake itself isn't the issue. The menu is simply too long and you really can't expect me to read all of that when I just want cheesecake that I don't even need.

I don't need a lot of things. However, I want them.

I digress. Malls are wretched -utterly wretched- and it's no wonder they're dying out. I've become fascinated because they're dying out, even if certain ones don't realize that yet. It's best exemplified by department stores, the big ones, of which I used to be an enormous fan and which I still am but only the very nice ones where I can spend my paycheck in one go. It's much nicer to spend someone else's paycheck in one go, of course, but I'm an angel and would never, ever do such a thing, not even if a kindly benefactor took pity on me and decided to gift me an entirely runway-ready wardrobe and a new bedroom set with a fresh set of silk sheets to go with it.

Visiting a department store used to be quite the glamorous affair, you know. They had a sense of style, of drama. It seemed like they were much bigger then, much grander, and the escalators. For some time, I worked briefly in a store -I dare not name it because it'll date me and apparently age is considered quite embarrassing here for reasons unknown to me- selling perfume, mainly to very well dressed ladies and significantly less well dressed gentleman wanting last minute gifts for said ladies, and I had to take three flights of escalators to reach my area. It was fantastic. I was sheltered -very, very sheltered, not sophisticated at all, easily impressed- and I'd never seen anything like it before. I'm still very fond of escalators, even if I'm afraid I'll catch the hems of my pants in them.

And the lights! The lights! They had a lovely jewelry section, really superb, and they had all these pretty lights reflecting off of everything and the loveliest marble floor and a very nice skylight and when you passed through it at the right time of day, all the displays gleamed so nicely. The jewelry was nice too, of course, because I wouldn't want to work any place that had ugly jewelry, but those cases were so nice. They had a darling little café too -completely unaffordable, I've never seen such an expensive salad in my life- and I liked to spend a lot of time in there ordering cookies and tea and observing the latest trends in hats. Hats really ought to come back into vogue because they add such an air of drama and mystery. People nowadays think they're so daring in fashion but where are the hats, hm? Where are they? If you add any sense of fashion, you'd be wearing a hat and it'd be completely over the top. If you can't be outrageous, then what's the point?

It's all so boring now. You go into a department store and it's half-abandoned at best and you can't find anyone to ring you up at all because only three people are working the entire floor. There is always a waffle maker on sale and no one will ever buy it. The fashion hasn't adapted in twenty or thirty years unless you're at one of the very upscale department stores certain people in my life don't like me visiting because they think I'll make bad financial decisions and even then, the menswear is always so, so boring. It makes me weep. Where are all the colors, hm? There's still some fun to be had in the sort of clothes marketed towards young men but after a certain point, it's all drab button downs and maybe bowling shirts if you're feeling edgy. Disgusting. After a certain point, you have to choose between no pockets and no color (gender is fun but gendering is so horrid) unless you pay a tremendous amount of money or make your own clothing, which, of course, costs a tremendous amount of money itself because the price of cloth is outrageous. Trust me, I know.

Anyway, they're all half-dead and completely unglamorous now. Maybe they never really were that stylish to begin with and maybe I was simply easily impressed, but no, no, I believe that they really were better. You have to adapt to survive, you know. It turns out you can't stay the same way forever. The department store model isn't sustainable in this day and age, especially if you never update the stores to match modern tastes. At very least, update the merchandise, please. I feel as if I've seen the same paisley pink pant suit on clearance in at least three separate decades.

They're awful. Horrid. I still find myself walking through dying department stores quite often, especially ones that haven't realized they're dying yet. I do generally avoid purchasing any clothing there as a proprietor of my own boutique (if you need a last minute card for your mother, please visit; I'll save you) and as someone who can generally make something better anyway, but my accomplishments don't extend to materializing my favorite colognes out of nowhere. If I don't smell like vanilla musk at all times, I will dissipate into the aether.

My latest haul because apparently people share this online:

A rollerball of my favorite scent

One candle, rose petal ice cream

Five containers of bobby pins

An eye mask, unicorn design

An anti-aging serum. The sales person was very persuasive. I don't know what I'm going to do with this. I look like this on purpose.

A Bluetooth speaker. I already hate it.

Several boxes of assorted candy

Hair ties, velvet

A tote bag for carrying flowers in

Several interesting rocks from a store that smells like the 1960s

Scented water that you spray on your face when you'd like water on your face. My god, why haven't I been in the face water business?

Love and kisses,

Me

[purpleklimt]

Every now and then I think about how of all the changes from HP books to the movies, the adaptation of the Crookshanks-Scabbers fiasco in PoA grinds my gears the most. Want receipts? Fear not, I come prepared.

In the book:

1) Ron & Scabbers

Ron is worried about Scabbers’ waning health, using what little pocket money he has to buy him a rat tonic. He refuses the menagerie witch’s offer to use the money to get himself a new rat, and it is implied that he is doing it out of loyalty to Scabbers, who has been with the Weasleys for years.

2) Crookshanks

Ron’s first encounter with Crookshanks is the cat jumping on his head and nearly scalping him. The witch remarks that no one wants him and Ron remarks that he is not surprised. Hermione then buys Crookshanks to Ron’s and (to a lesser extent) Harry’s consternation.

3) Hermione

Throughout the book, Hermione shows a lack of appreciation for Ron’s concern about Crookshanks preying on Scabbers. She claims Ron is being paranoid and Crookshanks is displaying normal cat behaviour. It turns out in the end that this is not the case, as Crookshanks has indeed been preying on Scabbers, i.e. Pettigrew in disguise.

4) Scabbers is gone

When Pettigrew stages his disappearance, Ron is understandably devastated. He puts two and two together, sees evidence planted by Pettigrew and blames Crookshanks, and by extent Hermione, who has not been keeping him in check. Not one single character thinks that this is an unreasonable interpretation, in fact Harry is convinced that Ron is correct based on the few month’s worth of the cat and rat’s interactions. The only person who refuses to believe Ron’s accusation is Hermione, Crookshanks’ owner.

5) Scabbers is found

After she reaches the end of her tether, Hermione finally approaches the boys and Ron offers his help with Buckbeak’s trial. She breaks down and apologises for her behaviour regarding Scabbers. Ron awkwardly reassures her that he was old anyway. The evening Buckbeak’s execution is scheduled, Hermione is making tea in Hagrid’s hut, when she stumbles upon Scabbers. She is freaked out (implying she had by that point also believed him dead) and Ron is shocked but immediately jumps to get him, saying “no cats here, there is nothing here to hurt you” (d’aww, your fave would never, but I digress). The whole evening is then set in motion by Buckbeak’s “execution”.

6) Pigwidgeon

Following the reveal of Scabbers’ true identity and subsequent escape, way too much stuff goes down, and by the end of it everyone is kind of Shook. In the end, Sirius sends Ron a miniature owl, in order to make up for the fact that Ron no longer has a pet.

Cool, let’s check out how the movie did. Oh hey look, it’s worse in every imaginable way!

1) Ron & Scabbers

Ron does not show more than cursory concern for his pet the entire movie. There is a movie-only scene where Mrs. Weasley runs after the train to give Ron Scabbers because he forgot to take him to school with him. Harry, Ron’s best friend, didn’t even know Scabbers has been missing when Ron starts saying he’s been killed. The whole thing is handled as if Ron lost Scabbers and is trying to save face. Harry never takes his side on any of this in the movie.

2) Crookshanks

Crookshanks never attacks Ron or anyone after the first time he chases Scabbers. He is insanely chill throughout the movie, which makes Ron’s accusations of him being a “bloodthirsty beast” land squarely into comic relief territory. Once again, there is no reason to take Ron’s side.

3) Hermione

Hermione is also far more chill in this movie compared to her book counterpart. She still claims that Ron’s concern is unwarranted, but due to changes to Ron-Scabbers relationship, this actually comes across as totally reasonable. There is no big explosive fights, no tears on Hermione’s side, she just seems annoyed about the whole thing at best.

4) Scabbers is gone

Scabbers’ disappearance is treated like a complete afterthought for both Ron and Hermione, compared to the total implosion of their relationship in the book. Hermione claims Ron lost Scabbers, Ron says he didn’t, but after what’s been shown in the movie, why should the viewer believe him? Either way, no need to take my word for it, just check out the next point.

5) Scabbers is found

Hey HP book fan? Hey, hey, yes you. Fuck you. See, Ron totally lost Scabbers. He’s just been chilling at Hagrid’s, no complicated evidence planted, no framing Crookshanks, just chilling with Hagrid, who happily gives him to Ron saying “Yo, you should take better care of your pets”. Hermione then immediately and calmly requires that Ron aplogise to her for being wrong. No follow-up on this ever happens. 

6) Pigwidgeon

Haha. Who? 

Funnily enough, the movie ends with Harry receiving Firebolt from Sirius. It would take exactly no effort for the script to have Hermione, since she’s already pointing out Buckbeak’s feather, to take out Pigwidgeon and say, “And I think this is for Ron”. But hey, that would be a good follow up, can’t have that!

So yes, they took one of the meatiest interpersonal dramas the Trio ever went through, which highlighted Ron and Hermione’s points of conflict and each of their strengths and weaknesses as people, and turned it into lacklustre barely-there plot fodder. Featuring the absolutely-never-before-seen “Let’s point and laugh at Ron” and “Hermione is way too cool for everyone” takes. How thoroughly disappointing, pedestrian and unimpressive, movie. 

BONUS

If you thought this script hasn’t already been shitting enough on Ron enough, have a look at this gem - the Shreaking Shack scene as originally written.

Haha, check it out guys. I had a grown man call a 14-year-old child an idiot for interpreting being pointed at as “I mean you”, the universally accepted meaning of the gesture.  - Steve Kloves, probably

Well thank heavens that didn’t make it into the final version. At least.

[petruchio]

i keep thinking about your posts of like “if the gov gave me $5k to stay home for a month i’d just do it” and YEAH the us is hella dumb. my friend visited china for a work trip, here’s what they do: you go straight from the airport to get covid tested, then are for real totally quarantined for 2 weeks where you are brought meals 3 times a day. and then you can just... go out. and you don’t even have to wear a mask everywhere. that’s how controlled they have it. that could be us if we just all stayed home for one month on government funding but nooooo we’re gonna be doing this back and forth of half trying for another whole ass year bc we have “freedom” and caring about other people is “socialism” AAAHHHHHH

YEAH absolutely dude its ridiculous!! like i think the biggest issue with this pandemic is what it’s done for the government in the US (and in a lot of parts of the world tbh) is exposed that governments in these countries DO have the resources to help people and it would have been completely within their power to do so, but the reason they don’t is because... like then they would have to admit that it’s possible? 

they would have to admit that jeff bezos having billions while americans starve is ridiculous? they would have to admit that the only reason we don’t have socialized medicine is because the drug companies just love that sweet sweet money? they would have to admit that most americans having no savings and living paycheck to paycheck is a travesty that it could be solvable with policies like a higher minimum wage and better taxation for the wealthy?? oh no!!

like it’s disgusting frankly, because if in march they had just said ok, everyone stay home we’ll send food to your house and give you rent, no one would have complained! it wouldn’t have been politicized and people could’ve (largely) come together and we would be FINISHED. but instead it’s like... mitch mcconnell doesn't want to admit that the government can help people, because then it might have to actually start... helping people. 

what disappoints me the most tho is that like the economic fallout from this is going to be MASSIVE. and not just on the individual level, on a global scale. because even if/when businesses do reopen fully, they won’t have nearly the customer base they used to--and not just because of people dying, but people who have lost their jobs, or lost their homes, or lost their primary income. so that has huge repercussions, suddenly people aren’t spending money on things like uber eats or a new iphone, because they’re just trying to get dinner on the table and make rent next month. so that has huge implications not just for the consumer but for business as well. so then the people who sell these things lose those jobs, and the dominoes keep falling from there. strange how the “pro-business” party doesn’t want to pass legislation that, in this case, might actually help business. a strong middle class doesn’t mean the rich are poor, it actually means there are more people to buy the products that the elite produce (and that’s its own thing anyway, why we buy those products, but i digress)

so if the republican party really cared about this country, they would’ve been fighting for an even BIGGER stimulus. but to admit that the government is capable of helping its citizens in times of need? well, that goes against 100 years of anti- “socialist” propaganda to convince the masses to live in poverty while the rich get richer, and don’t complain about it because are you a communist or something, do you want to live in soviet russia? 

it’s tragic and i’m furious about it, but if the feds came to my door tomorrow and locked me in and told me they’d pay my rent, well frankly i’d just do it because a month of staying inside is nothing compared to the crisis we’re heading into face first in the months to come

[yuvon-writes-letters]

Sweetlings my ass how fucking dare they

Yu, Jake, Liska, and Jessy,

Im so so so sorry if I hadn’t suggested using the ritual this wouldn’t have happened I’m such an idiot I

Of course, when you’re gone for four days, you come back and everything has gone to shit. It’s like that meme template where the guy goes to get pizza, and when he comes back the apartment is on fire.

First and foremost, hello, Jessy. I’m sorry I’m not around all the time yes, I’m Rai.

I’m sorry about what happened in your world, I really am. If I know anything about parallel universes, I am probably like your Matt, but not exactly like him. Our roles are the same, we are pseudo-detectives who dedicated ourselves to a case that really wasn’t our business, but nonetheless participated in anyways. What happened the Matt was undeserved and tragic, and the Jake you know, maybe was a bad guy, maybe he wasn’t, but honestly at this point me and you are probably confused as is, so I’ll leave the debate be.

I can assure you, however, that my Jake is not like the one you know. He’s helped me countless times in the past, and we both want the same exact thing, well, maybe not the same same exact thing, but we’re both working toward a common goal, and he’s been nothing but helpful so far.

Secondly

Jake, read this to Yu if you can, or if she can manage, hand this part to her so that she can read it herself. Now that we know that the entity has malicious intentions we definitely shouldn’t fuck with the ritual as of now, or really anything that might piss off the entity. Your entity is now not only directly interfering with you guys, but also writing us letters as well, it’s getting hands-on now, that has to mean something.

Also, to the both of you. Fucking rest, I don’t give a shit if you’re too tired or too mentally scarred to respond to this letter, hell, I’d say I’d prefer it if you don’t respond to this letter until your in a semi-ok state. Rest, take a nap, enjoy the glade you mentioned, literally anything else besides working yourself raggid.

And finally, Liska.

I am, very desperately trying to read the letters, to understand, but honestly I’m starting to realize what Yu’s been talking about when she said to sleep. From what I can tell, something happened, your distraught, and I’m confused. I’ll continue to read the letters to try and understand the situation, but honestly I think I need more Red-Bull before I do. Stay safe, be careful out there, alright?

As for me, I’m working on saving money so that I can actually buy my own apartment, I’m currently rooming with Skie and I really want to get out of her hair (no matter how much she insists she doesn’t mind a roommate), also, hiding the letters from her has been close to impossible, and if it weren’t for the fact that she doesn’t go into my room often, she might’ve already found out about the letters.

But I digress from my issues, stay safe y’all.

Rai.

P.S Jesus Christ this letter is long.

P.P.S. If Yu’s entity is reading this, you’re a bitch, I hope you die, give me twenty dollars.

Rai,

It is good to hear from you, despite the current circumstances. Do not blame yourself; again, this is the fault of no one but that thing. That thing is the one who did this. It is the one that will pay.

When you are living a cosmic horror story, four days is quite a long time, it seems.

In hopes that she might be at least somewhat conscious, I did read out that part of the letter as requested, but I suspect that she is too deeply comatose to actually comprehend my words at the moment. Still, you never know.

We will need to exercise more caution in future, yes. However, that thing mentioned it was asking Lis what Yuvon's plan was. I am not sure why it assumed that Lis could know, but that seemed to indicate that it was (whited out)

While resting would be preferable, there is only so much of that I can do. I need to continue to monitor Yuvon’s vitals, to ensure that thing does not decide to betray our expectations and harm Yuvon further. Yuvon, on the other hand, will be doing little else for the foreseeable future.

I hope you get your apartment soon. We all need at least some good news right now.

Please also be very cautious. We do not know the limits of the power of that thing, and while Lis’s entity has assured us that Lis will be safe, they could not answer whether you would be in danger or not.

Ah. Lovely. Cleo is now attempting to interrogate Yuvon. I’ll end this letter here.

Goodbye for now,

Jake

(The letter tucks itself in the paper clip with the others. A twenty dollar bill in American currency falls out of the envelope as this happens. When you touch it, it dissolves into sparkles, which quickly fade into nothingness.)

[lumiolivier]

The Good Old Days Chapter One:  Rich Broads are the Worst

Summary:

Francisco Mendoza wasn’t always a household name on the streets of New York City (particularly around the powerful families that run the underground).  Even he had to get his start somewhere.  And all it took was a good mentor, a snap decision, and the love of a good woman.

Rating:

T+ for language/violence

A/N:  Hi, friends.  Well, here we are.  Chapter one.  For those of you who don’t know, this is a prequel to the Switch series available on Ao3.  Take it at face value as an original.  Take it as a prequel.  Either way, I hope you enjoy.  And your feedback is always appreciated.  This is going to go up every Monday at noon US central time.  So, are we ready?  Because I’m ready.  I’ve been sitting on this since November.  I can’t fucking wait.

Prayer has always been called the last act of a desperate man.  Mama would beat the shit out of me for saying this, but sometimes, that desperate man reaches desperate lows not even prayer can fix. My deliverance was not an easy one, nor was it pretty.  I’m not even sure if God had anything to do with it.  But whoever put me in the path of the Old Man that night was looking out for me.  That’s for damn sure.

  Every night was the same.  Go to work, come home, lock the door, and put Mama at ease.  Between her and my brothers, that was all I had left in this world.  Papa died before I got the chance to know him.  But he knew me.  According to Mama he played favorites with my brothers and me.  She always said he saw the special in me before I even knew it was there.  As we grew up, that became more apparent with my brothers.  Tony and César may both be older than me, but they knew the pecking order in this house.  And they knew who was on top.

 And because their baby brother, their hermanito, put in a good word for them, we all managed to score jobs at the same restaurant.  Although, that commute from Williamsburg to Midtown was its own private hell.  Damn near half an hour on the subway on a good day.  But it kept food on the table and a roof over our heads and Mama taken care of, so none of us were complaining.  But one night…Normally, work didn’t get to me, but…The customer isn’t always right.

 Working at a ritzy Italian restaurant in the heart of Midtown occasionally had its perks. People with deep pockets leaving nice tips…or assholes with deeper pockets who are out to make my job a living hell.  And no one was worse than this one couple on their twenty-fifth anniversary.  It wasn’t necessarily him that was the problem. This guy had the integrity of a wet noodle.  And I had a feeling it was partially because of his…Lovely…wife.

 “Excuse me!” she whistled for me like a fucking dog.  If she would’ve called me boy, I would’ve choked her out.  I don’t have it in me to ever hit a woman, but she pushed all the right buttons.

 But still, I slapped on a fake smile and went over to their table, “Yes, ma’am.  How may I help you?”

 “I know the label on the bottle says 1979,” she told me, her voice just dripping with condescension, “But this tastes like a 1974 Shiraz.”

 “I can assure you, ma’am,” I swore, “This is a 1979 Shiraz.”

 “You say it’s a 1979,” she started to get heated, “But it’s clearly got notes characteristic of a 1974.”

 I kept my head, “It is a 1979, ma’am.  If you’d like, I could bring you something else.”

 “No,” she rolled her eyes, “We ordered a 1979 Shiraz.  I’d like a new bottle.”

 “Yes, ma’am,” I nodded, taking the original bottle away.  Once I got back to the kitchen, I took a good swig from the bottle in question.  It’s fucking wine.  It tasted like Shiraz.  Personally, I thought it was disgusting, but I digress.  Was there really that big of a difference?

 “Frankie?” Tony put a hand on my shoulder, “You alright?  You look like you want to stab someone.”

 “Just feeling thirsty,” I choked down another drink, “Pretentious woman at table twelve trying to tell me she can taste five years difference and we got our labels wrong. I don’t want to call her a bitch, but fuck, she’s making it difficult.”

 “That’s why I stay back here,” Tony jabbed, “I don’t see how you do it, Frankie. Having to deal with stuck up pricks like that day in and day out.  Either you have intestinal fortitude of steel or you’re a fucking masochist.”

 “I couldn’t be back here,” I sighed out, heading into the wine fridge, “It’s too secluded.  I need my fingers on a pulse or I get cranky.”  

 “They look down on guys like us,” he followed me, “They probably have no idea what it’s like to struggle.”

 “Probably not,” I grabbed another bottle of Shiraz, “But it’s that money that keeps us from going hungry, so we’ll be able to get out of here.  Hopefully, it won’t be for much longer.”

 “God, I hope not,” Tony took the bottle off the tray and threw a drink back, having the same reaction to it I did, “How in the hell do people drink this shit?”

 “I don’t know,” I felt for him, “Maybe the stick in the ass adds a different flavor profile that broke fuckers like us won’t understand.”

 “Because we’re too sophisticated?”

 “Because we have taste in our booze,” I gave him a nod, “Pray for me.  I have to go back into hell and look into the eyes of pure evil.”

 “Good luck, Frankie,” Tony sent me back out.

 I could do this.  I’ve dealt with people like her before.  This should be a piece of cake.  I brought their wine to their table, “I’m sorry, ma’am.  Hopefully, this one will be better for you.”

 “It’s about time.”

 I fiddled with the cross around my neck out of nervous habit, “If you need anything else, please let me know.”

 “Yes,” she dismissed me, leaning toward her husband, “I hope he doesn’t think we’re paying for that swill.”

 Santa Maria, Madre de Dios.  Ruega por nosotros pecadores.  Ahora y en la hora de nuestra muerté.  Amén.

 Alright. I can do this now.  She will be paying for it, but the spit about to go in her food is totally on the house.  I wanted to.  Fuck, did I want to.  Instead, I took the high road and went on break.  César followed me out, “Tu bien, hermanito?”

 “I can’t fucking do this anymore, César,” I held my head in my hands, “I’m sick of it.”

 “We all are, Frankie,” César threw an arm around me, “But what else are we supposed to do?”

 “Anything else,” I sighed out, “I’m just…fucking done.  I’m sick of being looked down on.  Not just here, but anywhere we go.  Mama always told us she moved us here after Papi died to give us a better life, right?”

 “Right.”

 “Where is the better life, César?” I wondered, “Because I look around and I’m not seeing it.”

 “We’ll get there some day, Frankie,” he swore, “But for now, we deal with this bullshit.”

 “And it’s bullshit we have to deal with it.”

 “Amen.”

 I’d make a deal with Satan himself at this point to get the fuck out of this.  I was so young, so naïve in those days.  When I had myself together again, I walked back inside.  If I can get out of this shift without killing anyone, I’ll be so proud.  One of the hostesses gave me a poke to the shoulder and sent me to a different table.  Thank God.  I’ve never needed a change of scenery so bad.  I know I’m going to have to go back to them eventually, but right now, I needed something easy.  Please be an easy table.  Please don’t be an asshole.

 A big guy sat at the table all by himself with a small notebook on the table and some mindless doodles.  All things being equal, they weren’t bad.  But I wasn’t there to admire the artwork.  As long as I don’t come across as pissed off, I’ll be alright, “Can I help you, sir?”

 “I’m meeting someone here,” he told me.  Then, he looked up from his notebook, “But I’m thinking I’m getting stood up.  You alright, kid?”

 “Fine, sir,” I suppressed it more, “It’s just been a long, busy night.  What can I get for…”

 “When do you get off?” he asked, looking me over, “I’m thinking my contact isn’t coming and you look like you could use a drink.”

 “I’d rather not have one here,” I admitted, “But I get off at eleven.”

 “Alright,” he gave me a nod, “Brandy and peach tea, if it’s not too much trouble.”

 “I’ll be right back,” I promised, going to the bar.  Something about this guy gave me a good vibe.  Then again, he already wanted to buy me booze, so I wasn’t going to say no.  I flagged down the bartender and asked for his drink.  The bartender’s face lost any and all pigment it may have had. Reluctantly, he mixed the drink and handed it off to me.  I didn’t know what the hell that was all about, but I didn’t care.  As promised, I brought the man his drink, “Here you are, sir.”

 “Thank you,” he smiled a bit, “What’s your name, kid?”

 “Francisco,” I told him, “But people call me Frankie.”

 “You’re kind of stocky,” he pointed out, “You know that?”

 “According to mi mama,” I explained, “That came from my dad.”

 “And you?” he wondered, “Would you say that, too?”

 “I never met the man,” I shrugged, “I mean, I probably did meet him at one point, but he died when I was two, so I don’t really have much memory of him.”

 “Oh…” the man’s face fell, “I’m sorry to hear that.  I know the feeling, though.  Mine took off.  But we’re not here to swap sob stories.  Hey, I’m going to stick around for a while.  When you get off, meet me out front, K?”

 I had never seen this guy a day in my life, but something about him…It felt like I knew him.  Like we’ve met before, but I didn’t remember.  But I knew for a fact this was the first time we ever met.  Little did I know, that chance meeting would turn my whole world on its head.  We’ll save that part for later, though.  When I walked back into the kitchen, I needed to find one of my brothers.  Lucky for me, the first one I found was César.

 “Hey, César,” I stopped him.

 “Hi, Frankie,” César looked at me strange, “Everything ok?”

 “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” I settled him, “No worries.  But I’m going to be a little late going home.  I’ll catch up with you guys somewhere.”

 “Where are you going?” he wondered.

 “I got asked for drinks after work,” I brushed him off, “The guy at table six. He told me he wanted to buy me a drink and you and I both know better than to turn down free booze.”

 “I know,” César nodded, “But don’t think you’re going by yourself.  If three of us leave the house and only two come back, Mama would have our asses and you know it.”

 “I’ll take the heat for that,” I assured him, “But I got a good feeling about him.  And I don’t know about you, but I could really use the drink.”

 “We’re not letting you go by yourself, Frankie.” Dammit, César…The oldest always figures he needs to protect the younger two, doesn’t he?  I could tell this wasn’t going to be a negotiation, “Hey, Tony!”

 “Que?” Tony perked up, wiping his last dish for the night.

 “Drinks after work tonight?” César offered.

 “You buying?” Tony wiped his hands off and tossed his towel aside.

 “Apparently, Frankie is.” I’m going to kill you, César, “There’s a guy out there wanting to take him for drinks and God forbid we let him go on his own.  Or go home without him.”

 “Mama would fucking kill us.” If I don’t get to both of you first.

 “Hold on, pendejos!” I stopped them both before they could cook up something else, “Let me talk to him first and make sure it’s alright.”

 “If he says no, Frankie,” César demanded, “You’re not going either.”

 “My ass, I’m not,” I stood my ground, “You seem to think so.”

 “I’m serious.”

 “And I’m thirsty,” I argued, checking the clock.  Just a few minutes more.  I pushed my way out the doors and found the guy again, “Hey…”

 “Hi,” he nudged a seat out for me, “Go ahead.  Take a seat, kid.”

 “I was actually about to ask you about that,” I began, “There are a couple guys in the back wanting in on this drink.  And if I go home without them, the lovely lady we live with is going to have our heads. Would that be a problem?”

 “Sounds like a real Three’s Company situation you got,” he jabbed.

 “Not exactly,” I came clean, “They’re my older brothers.  If they come home without me, my mother will beat them senseless with her shoe.”

 “You never said you had brothers.”

 “You never asked.”

 The man kept to himself for a brief minute, “Are they anything like you?”

 “I’m the smart one of the bunch,” I explained, “My brother Tony is muscle. My brother César is a master with his words.  Why do you ask?”

 “Just curious,” he dropped it, “Yeah.  They can come, too.  The more the merrier, right?”

 “I guess so,” I could breathe a little easier.  I got my brothers off my back and I still get my drink with…Wait a second, “You haven’t even told me your name and you’re already taken me for drinks? I’m a little classier than that.”

 “You never asked,” he threw my words back at me, “Gregorio.  But mostly everyone that works for me just calls me the Old Man.”

[purplesurveys]

1137

created by: allwrongx - Bzoink

Do you have a bookshelf? If so, just one or how many? I don’t, actually. I have the most books out of everyone in the family, but they’re all either lined up or stacked in random points in my room because of said lack of shelves. Currently, I have three groups of books strategically placed around my room.

If you answered yes to the above, are your books ordered in a special way? Just by height since I have a lot of tall books like encyclopedias as well as smaller-sized novels and pocketbooks.

Have you ever owned action figures? I have a couple of wrestling action figures and I want to keep collecting more if my financial situation ever permits it in the future.

Why did you last smile? Andrew Ilnyckyj finally has a new cooking videoooooooo, which is the main BuzzFeed content I watch these days. I think his last one had been posted in January, so I’ve been feeling pretty starved for some new Andrew content.

Do you have a close relationship with your immediate family? I’m not close with them in that I don’t feel shy about kissing/hugging them or confiding in them; my family are not those people for me. But like we don’t fight (anymore) and we’re able to have pleasant talks over dinner, which is as close as I’d possibly ever get with them. 

Idk, we were ultimately never able to cultivate an emotionally strong relationship with one another, which I’ll always feel bittersweet about; but at least I now have a blueprint of how I’d want to build my relationships within my family, should I ever have one of my own.

If I gave you twenty bucks what would you do with it? Use it to pay my sister for the drawing commission I asked her to make. My total bill comes up to around that amount, anyway.

If dinosaurs could be tamed, would you want one as a pet? Nope, they can stay in the wild.

Do you crack your knuckles, neck or toes constantly? I crack my knuckles the most and my ankles as well. Never my neck and toes.

Are you constantly catching colds or other sicknesses? No, I rarely get sick.

Is there a movie from your childhood that you still watch today? I do an annual Toy Story rewatch because it’s my absoluete favorite kid’s movie. I will also always be in the mood to watch The Game Plan, which I watched every single weekday after coming home from school in like the 3rd grade.

Have you ever seen The Rocky Horror Picture Show? Nope but this has been on my list for years. Just never gotten around to downloading it and finally seeing it for myself.

Where do you do most of your shopping? I usually go to small, independent businesses that sell trendy pieces for a lot less, but I also drop by H&M from time to time. Once I feel secure enough with my savings I also wanna be able to start shopping from Zalora because they have really nice brands over there as well, haha.

Are you afraid of mice? I don’t imagine I would be since they’re tiny and cute. I’m afraid of house rats, though, especially considering how big they can get D:

What type of souvenir do you usually purchase when on vacation? I typically don’t get souvenirs for myself, but this is also because I’ve never traveled solo. My family collects magnets from all the different places we’ve been to though (and also from my dad’s work travels), so our fridge doors are filled with them. 

Do you vacation often? Yeah, my family would usually take 3-5 trips a year, usually around the country and sometimes out of; but of course we’ve had to put a stop to it since the pandemic blew up.

Are you comfortable wearing your pajamas in public places? The only place I’d be comfortable doing so is at the nearby McDonald’s, since I’ve seen residents from my village come in there wearing their PJs or housewear. Otherwise no, I’d rather dress up.

What's your favorite candy bar? Twix!!!!!!!! And while they’re not technically bar-shaped, I love Reese’s Cups too.

Do you own more than one copy or edition of a book? Hahaha yeah. I have two copies of Twilight (one is from my boxed set, another was given to me by a childhood friend, Maryrose) and Breaking Dawn (one is also from my boxed set, while the other one is the special white cover edition given to me by Angela).

If you could see any musical on Broadway right now, what would it be? Miss Saigon. That’s the only musical I’m into.

If you could put any person or characters face on money, whose would it be? I definitely want to see a woman’s face on a dollar bill or coin sometime in the future. < Oh man, this is a pretty good answer. We do already have women in our P500 and P1000 bills, but they’re accompanied by men :/ It’d be neat to see a woman take over a bill/coin all on her own, like Gabriela Silang.

The place that you'd most like to be right now is where? God I really wish I were out in a coffee shop right now but I have to saveeeeee. I’ve been meaning to check out this nearby cafe that also doubles as a co-working space (which means I can do work there without feeling guilty or anxious that I’m taking too much time there, yay), and I might visit next week.

Do large crowds make you anxious? Depends on what the context is. If I find myself in the middle of a stampede that’s quickly going ugly then I will definitely start to panic; but if I’m at, say, a concert, then personally a bigger crowd means a better experience for me.

Do you own a helmet of any sorts? None of my own, but we do have a helmet for our bike.

Will you willingly sing in front of other people besides your family? No unless a huge sum of money is up for grabs, lmao. I’ve only sang in public once, when my mom made me do a solo number on my 7th birthday.

What's in the box? Yeah, I’m not feeling creative enough for this question...

Does your family generally decorate for most holidays? No, only for Christmas.

Would you take the chance to be Nancy Drew or The Hardy Boys for a day? Eh, I’d pass up on the offer. Mystery isn’t my thing.

Do you eat soup when you're sick? No. I prefer to drink lots of water as I usually lose my appetite when I’m sick anyway.

Is there a specific mug or coffee cup that you have to use all of the time? I don’t have to use it, but I’m in love with the mug Angela gave me just this past Christmas. I use it all the time now.

Have you ever watched Doctor Who? No, but I don’t think it’s my kind of genre or show.

If so, what do you think is the scariest creature yet?

Do you prefer to do your shopping online or in person? If I already have an idea of what I want to get, I prefer to get it in person. But if I need something oddly specific and have no idea where to start, that’s when I start to look for online shops or go to Shopee or Lazada altogether.

If you read, which book or series did you enjoy most as a child? Angie Sage, with her Septimus Heap series.

Do you read tour guide type books before you visit places? It’s been a while since I’ve traveled extensively, and when I was younger I didn’t really read into tourist guides. Now that I’m older, I do want to start reading up before visiting a different country – not necessarily about the best places to visit, but more about the culture and practices I have to observe. I remember being reprimanded by a Korean when I tried to snap a photo of something I saw while out in public in Jeju, and I don’t want to do something like that again.

Would you please belt out a few song lyrics here? AND IF YOU TRY TO FIND ME NOOOOW I’M IN ALL THE ECHOES THAT HAVE FAAAADED OUT soooo!!! I’M MOVING ON CAUSE I JUST WANT TO FEEL FOR ONCE THAT I BELONG, THAT’S WHAT GOING ON

How do you get rid of your hiccups? I hold my breath, which is a trick taught to me by my mom. Not always effective, but it does work sometimes.

Is there one saying that you've adopted from someone/somewhere else? I’ve picked up “Awesome!” which was Gabie’s catchphrase. My former director also liked saying “Anywhoooooo” when she wants to digress, and I’ve since adopted that into my vocabulary and mannerisms as well.

Can you lie effectively and smoothly? Yes, but I feel like shit every time I have to.

Do you buy Halloween candy when it's on sale after the holiday? No, I don’t enjoy candy anyway.

Why is your favorite teacher your favorite? She taught beyond her curriculum - music, which isn’t even part of my top 30 favorite subjects - and always made sure to inject a little bit of useful life advice in all her lessons.

Who can never fail to make you laugh? Hans.

Do you agree with the "they're just being kids" excuse? No, especially if the kids in question are already 16/17 year olds.

How many pets have you had in your lifetime? Countless goldfish, one chick, one rabbit, one cat, two birds, and two dogs.

Were you ever afraid of monsters under your bed? Sure. Still am occasionally, heh.

Would you kindly recommend your favorite movie to me? Two for the Road shows a realistic take on love told through cars and a non-linear tour around Southern Europe. If you’re into that and Audrey Hepburn’s pretty outfits in each scene, definitely check it out.

[rametarin]

tempting.

Reflecting on my health issues, since age 17. And my living situation.

So since around the age of 16, I’ve been plagued with unpredictable bowel problems and digestive ills. Like, everybody gets constipated every now and then, but I mean I’d get just, excruciatingly backed up and my family wouldn’t help me get seen or anything.

Basically from the time I was 18 onwards I was told my medical bills were mine. But oh by the way [Ram. Not my real name, but the name fam calls me], you gotta pay us every dollar that isn’t devoted to keeping yourself alive :^)

I’d be like, family, I cannot afford this, it’d be in your best interests to invest in my health so I can figure out what’s fucky about my bowels and stomach so this can stop happening, I can live a normal life, and we can all continue on our merry way.

Basically I was told, “tough shit, do it yourself, also pay your fair share to The Family” (aka, give mom all your money.)

It was never just fear of homelessness, but fear of homelessness while my GI tract was fucky and my teeth were rotting out of my head that made escape from here impossible. It’s why I didn’t just climb into a hole in the wall and escape this garbage fire of a mother and do that bootstrap shit. Because it sincerely made  me wonder sometimes if I was being poisoned by my mother to keep me powerless and in need of help, but perpetually weakened to where the best I could do is move towards help but just be put on a treadmill for someone elses financial benefit.

Perhaps my bitterness makes just a touch more sense now, right? Because Maine is a long-drive state. You need a car. You absolutely need a car to get anywhere. Not having one means you walk everywhere, you ride a bike everywhere and are FUCKED during the winter, or you go nowhere because you don’t have anywhere you need to be and don’t drive.

Now that said, imagine having bowel and ass problems so bad just the idea of driving makes you question if it’s safe for you to even be on the road.

That has been my existence for twenty years now, because my family wants me just close enough to extract what mom things “she’s owed,” but absolutely will not help me with anything. There’s no security in staying here because the whole fucking POINT of putting up with a family’s infantilizing “everything has its place” mentality, is you’re able to wisely squirrel away your income without paying a landlord anything and your income going up in smoke

If your mother is just the worst sort of landlord, you’re basically just paying a narcissistic bitch of a mother to be a narcissistic bitch of a mother. There’s absolutely no upside.

So I’ve been stuck in this virtual tutorial of an existence because my own digestive system was torturing me and seriously deleting my ability to operate independently. And mom, whom has always wanted absolute control over my finances and my future, saw it as a holistic way of penning me up and making be desperate. Never a wasted opportunity with this fucking monster.

Well. I eliminated cottonseed oil and chicken proteins from my diet and, while not perfect, the amount of excruciating pain and pressure and weird cold-acidic burning in my back and bowels has subsided a lot. As well as my stomach issues receded considerably.

The truth is I was loathe to even try and escape without figuring out these problems, but I couldn’t figure them out because I never had the money. I tried to get a barium enema x-ray when I was 17 and suffering a massive, excruciating flareup. I missed prom (I didn’t have anyone to go with anyway) because of what felt like it could’ve been anything from gall stones to bowel cancer.

Had a big useless cleanse that was excruciating, then had the guys that give the barium enema tell me, “lube is expensive” when I screamed about how much it hurt to have the thing shoved up my ass. My already inflamed, tender ass.

Absolutely nothing was found in my bowels. Which did absolutely nothing to explain why they felt inflamed and miserable. But it did give me a $1,700 bill, which proved.. absolutely nothing except they couldn’t find tumors or any object lodged in my butt. Given how it took me two summers to acquire almost that much working a shit job for my shithead father’s girlfriend, maybe you can appreciate how heartbreaking that is. Spending all that money and you don’t even learn WHY you’re suffering, you just learn why you aren’t.

And today I still fume with rage over being told, “ass lube is expensive so we’re skimping on it” and then be charged almost two thousand god damned dollars.

Absolutely could not get my family to help me pursue any other avenue. They just kept insisting, “it’s all anxiety, it’s all in your head. You just need to get off the computer and do more manual labor/make us money and your problems will go away. :^)”

But then they would not help me do it. They wanted me to take on all the risk while they got the guaranteed income from my needing to be around them.

My need to grow step by step was their opportunity to mitigate my life, every step of the way, so non-compliance with their exploitation would result in homelessness and complete uprooting. If I wasn’t going to voluntarily follow draconian rules, then I’d be governed by those rules anyway in the absence of them being verbally stated. Just, using poverty and immobility as a way to impose it.

But I refused to comply. I wasn’t going to suffer every day unendingly AND get my income snatched away, BY MY OWN GOD DAMNED FAMILY. A family that didn’t even pay RENT to live in the house we were living in at the time, and a family that made 65-70K a year, with another house they owned in a less convenient location worth $350K. My mother had ABSOLUTELY NO BUSINESS other than fun and profit as an excuse as to why I needed to buy, “the family,” a car. Other than making it the “family” car giving her defacto control over it but my obligation to pay for it. Just another indirect way to give her absolute control over my options and alternatives.

So I didn’t work. I sat at home and dealt with her abusive bullshit, because it was the only card I had left in my deck. She didn’t want the stigma of throwing out a sick man without a license, a car or any savings. I didn’t want to voluntarily throw myself out and die in the street.

So I dealt with my health problems as best as I could. There were a good many times living in this house, that we’ve lived in and she’s owned since 2006, that I questioned whether I should phone an ambulance and just say fuck it, go into tens of thousands of dollars of debt just goosechasing this problem, thanks to the backdoor socialized medical system that exploits the profit motive but uses government assured payment fixed to taxes in order to afford it.

That’s probably what pisses me off the most about my situation. Our medical system has been turned into a farce by socialists deliberately making medicine as toxic as they fucking can in order to then bat their eyes and go, “Bet you just want single payer and to basically make medicine another ring of the government NOW, don’t youuuuuu? It’d make all those woes go awayyyyy!” while turning the screws to our bodies by denying us affordable medicine. All while blaming capitalism for shit that’s assured to work at any cost by the government.

Other people pine for a more socialized system to make the disgusting exploitation and abuse stop. But the truth is, that’s just like wanting to marry a pirate so they’ll stop lobbing cannonballs and demanding tolls at sea from you. Yes, the actual literal war on you and your community and your personal sovereignty will be over, but you’ll also be institutionalizing pirates in order to make them stop taking complete advantage of you on their terms instead of taking complete advantage of you on mostly-their terms but you get to act like you’re consenting to it.

I digressed. Anyway...

Well. I’m curious about pursuing a shit job just to see if I can KEEP some income, but I know, and have always known, my mother will not allow me to do anything with that money but barely keep myself alive. While she uses it to just buy enormous bulk loads of garbage and hoards them in the corners, or throws hundreds of dollars at friends-of-the-family/neighbors and extracts that money from me to do it.

I know going into it that the job would be otherwise worthless. She wants her ten pounds of flesh a year from me, and if I worked, there’d be no getting around it. She isn’t going to allow me to profit living with her, in any way. Everything has to revolve around her, or I get made homeless.

But trying to hold a job would mean possible (there’s that ‘potential vs. guarantee dichotomy again) feelers out to couches to surf on. Or credit building.

It’d still be a sexless existence dictated by someone so fucking petty that they can’t help you fix a broken tooth but do miraculously have the money to buy you a cell phone and a plan, “if you want it,” purely to always have you at their beck and call and/or have control over your phone plan. And it’d mean committing to something that runs a minimum of a year while being able to have a foot crushing my neck and destroying whatever I’m trying to do in an instant.

but it’d also mean being able to financially pursue what’s wrong with me and fixing it.

But I will hold this grudge against women and the actual, objective privilege they have from the legal system and our social system in the US for the rest of my life. Everybody around me saw what she was doing to me and my life, and they’ve done and said absolutely nothing. An abusive woman in this society is basically on par with the richest barons in a young adult novel, and all you have to do to get that kind of institutional power, rich or poor, is have a vagina and be a mom.

Then other women will sympathize with the mother, whom can never be totally wrong about anything, and at best you might get silence and indifference about the way you’re treated.

You can be cornered, debased and neglected until you’re a greasy shoggoth of a person, and if it’s a woman doing this to you, it’s your fault for not escaping. After having every escape route made as torturous and unsustainable an option as possible, you’ll be held accountable for yourself.

I’ll be relieved and pleased when this disgusting pig of a woman dies of natural causes. She’ll have gotten away with grabbing my life and thrashing around with it for 20 years while the world passed me by, just to keep control, just for fun, just for profit.

But in the meantime, maybe there’s a local niche I can fill. Just enough of something to find somewhere else to live. Without conditions making it more damning to pursue than nothing at all.

But I’m not hoping too hard.

[segenassefa]

2: On Consumerism, Fighting Demons, and Societies Inevitable Collapse

Quarantine has been lowkey surreal. My constant complaint of never having enough time to do all the things I want/should be doing has now left me bored in the house, bored in the house, bored with nothing but time to get said things done. However, it is a dual edged sword - with the collapse and subsequent reformation of civil society outside my doors, it leaves me wondering – as well as a lot of other people – in the words of Miss Juicy…what the hell we gone do now?

Nearing the end of the first leg of my university career, I should be thinking about getting ready to transition to the next logical stages of adulthood - saving for an apartment, applying for permanent residency, as well as graduate schools and part time jobs. Yet, I’m worried about if these things will even be a possibility within the next month, six months, or even the next year.

On top of ALL of that, the recent BLM protests and the way that people (read: white people, Latinxs, Black men, homo/transphobes, etc.) have shown their asses the past few months is beyond mortifying - especially regarding the treatment of black women and how our value as individuals as well as a collective to society is really perceived.* This is not to downplay the murder of numerous black men in society, BUT who the fuck is riding for black women aside from other black women? And not just the ones who find attractive, or are racially ambiguous, or the ones you feel as if you get “guilted” into supporting and demanding justice for, I mean each and every black woman. I’m just saying, it gets pretty disheartening to feel like the legwork of the revolution is on the back of one category of people, and that your value to society is measured by the amount of emotional labour you’re ready to do for others, or how fat your ass is (but I digress…).

I feel like most people have used material things as coping mechanisms instead of actually facing their feelings and dealing with the things that bother them. Just think of the number of packages that have arrived on your doorstep the past few months. Breaking the glossy seal of packing tape is similar to therapy, until all the boxes are open, and you start feeling like shit again. And now, more than ever, there’s a lot to be bothered about. Western society has dedicated phrases based on the phenomenon of substituting true self-work with figurative emotional bandages (Phrases like comfort eating and retail therapy come to mind).

It’s nice to think that we – the people entering their adolescent and young adult years – will be the one to change these things, but suddenly it’s 2 am, you have twenty different things in your Amazon cart, (who the fuck needs a metal straw cleaning kit?) and you’re trying to see how far you can stretch and grab your debit card before falling off of the bed.

The conflicting messages pushed by society don’t help all that much either. If you look up “Kondo method” or “decluttering my closet” on YouTube, the numbers of videos that come up is astounding. Pages and pages of sweaty-faced, smiling YouTubers monetizing from this kind of faux “minimalism” only to post haul videos a few days later because “I threw everything out and now I have to rebuild from scratch sksksk!”. Does this not just perpetuate a cycle of buying and throwing and buying? I am....confusion, to say the least. Still I watch them, because I’m a hypocrite, and am also easily amused.

I will be the first to admit I have always had a very unhealthy relationship with money, with self-image, and with measuring my self-worth in proximity with “stuff that stems from a complicated relationship with physical self. Follow along:

Growing up, I was a fat kid. We don’t even have to sugar coat it. Think Terrio, but better eyebrows and more hair. Except I was not killin’ em, just myself. I always envied my friends who were able to go shopping at regular stores – read: Hollister, Abercrombie, Urban Outfitters (yes my friends were white), meanwhile I was condemned to shopping in the women’s department.

So, to compensate, I would buy trinkets – things like nail polish, lip gloss, journals, you get the point. My proximity to worthiness was measured not by the things that I bought, but within the act of buying. Growing up with parents who were also financially frugal also altered my relationship with money and blessed me with crippling buyers’ remorse after every purchase, even on things that are important (read: groceries).  

But as a kid, buying “stuff” was fun for me – it gave me some sort of purpose, and the acquisition of things (even if they weren’t the same things my peers had) made me feel like, to some extent, I could compete on the same playing field. As I got older, and I started to have real expenses, I moved towards second-hand shopping. I would religiously find myself at Goodwill on weekend, after school, or with friends. I could literally feel an endorphin rush when I would find something that I would consider a “good deal”, and it made me feel (again) purposeful, to be spending money, even if I didn’t need whatever I was buying.

I should also add that the people in my immediate family does not believe in thrift stores (“Why am I working for you to wear other people’s clothing?”, I remember my dad asking me one day), so the act of second-hand shopping was also my form of rebellion.

I began to amass a collection of clothing that would put Kylie’s closet to shame. I began buying things for events and situations that were yet to happen, for other people, for when I lose ten pounds. It was a madness.

In freshman year of university, I had an unhealthy relationship with clubbing clothes. Did I have the figure for clubbing clothes? Absolutely not. The funnier part is, I couldn’t even go clubbing because I wasn’t 19 at the time. And yet I had drawers and drawers full of the stuff. Not to mention that clubbing clothes is incredibly similar to summer clothing and living between Minnesota and Canada meant that these things were barely seeing the light of day.

The moral of this was – I could never figure out my relationship with stuff, This quarantine has forced me to try and break down the compulsion behind my behaviour.  I felt like I was spiralling the six weeks that they closed thrift stores, and I knew myself well enough to not try and online shop with the same kind of frequency as that. But the crazy part was, I didn’t die. I didn’t go into withdrawal (ok, I did a little bit, but whatever), and I was able to take the time to go through the things I already owned and find some hidden gems that were routinely buried in the cracks and crevices of my closet. It was like the episode of Family Guy when Peter realizes he has a vestigial twin – alarming and cool at first, but then it’s just alarming and annoying.

Its more embarrassing to realize that some semblance of myself image is tied to the frequency with which I am able to spend money. I would never say that participating in capitalist society gives me some kind of purpose as a black woman because God forbid. Also, considering that a lot of big names companies are actually racist and fatphobic as hell creates a whole new dimension for analyzing the power of my black dollar, sometimes creating another spiral of guilt leading to you guessed it – more spending.

As much as it seems like it, however, this self-reflection was not in vain. In the past month, I’ve cut down my closet from +200 pieces of clothing and shoes to about 40. If you ever want a fun, humbling activity this quarantine, just clean out your closet and be honest with yourself about how often you wear certain things. It was revolting to see the number of shirts, dresses, pants, skirts that I had bought and convinced myself wholeheartedly I was going to wear, only to pull them out of my closet months later with the tags attached *insert Marge Simpson covering her face meme*.

But at the end of the whole ordeal, it felt really good to look at my space and not feel burden or guilt. It was somewhat philanthropic realizing that not only will these clothes make someone else happier (I donated pretty much everything because it’s not always about money), but that my quality of life was not dramatically impacted in owning (or not owning) certain things. The past few weeks, I’ve spent more money on going out and sharing experiences with friends, but still nowhere near the same amount of money I would have spent buying clothes and other material possession.

Youtuber Kelly Stamps has a video on how minimalism “cured” her depression**, and the whole thesis boils down to the idea that owning less things gives you less to compare yourself too, thus making you happier (in a sense) and allowing you to focus the energy and time that would have been centered around maintaining and building your collection of possessions other things.

This still doesn’t break down the root of the issue, but it’s a start. I think when you have traits or patterns that you’ve participated in for so long, it becomes hard to step back and be objective enough to realize that you – yes, you – are part of the problem. I can blame my habits on a lot of things but at the end of the day, it’s important to realize that certain cycles seem never-ending because I actively choose to participate in these kinds of behaviours (accountability is sexy, huh?). While I’m not ready to face all my demons quite yet, it’s easier to do it with a nice wardrobe and a streamlined sense of mind.

Notes

*When I say black women, I mean ALL black women. Not some limited, cis-gendered, heteronormative view of what a woman is. Over here we ride for all those who identify as women.

**She emphasizes that she doesn’t actually means that it cured anything, but rather helped with her anxiety, and in turn, helped with her depression.

Links

That Family Guy Episode

The Kelly Stamps video

[maya-net]

Documentation on a Silver Exorcist, a Small Medium, a Smiling Siren, et al. - Chapter 1

Chapter 1 - Stars Align: Emma Xing Qixin, Tech Support and Professional Administrator of the Unofficial Zheng Ge’s Fanclub

The rustling of the seven large plastic packages of heavily discounted ramen complements the unforgivably nasty squeak of the styrofoam that protects the equally heavily discounted century eggs that Emma had spent the last of her weekly budget on. Squashed together in a trusty, faded blue shopping bag, they are placed very carefully on the chair. Her backpack is dropped just slightly less carefully onto another chair, and she rolls her shoulders, breathing in the various blends of caffeine and sugar wafting around the SunDollarsTM store that she had desperately scouted for.  

Xiqiang glides into the chair opposite, and with an elegant slide of an arm, slips Emma’s other equally faded blue shopping bag on to the seat beside her. Emma doesn’t understand how a human being can be that graceful, and sends a silent apology to her mom for being a failure of a daughter.

“I will order some refreshments,” Xiqiang’s voice washes over the background noise of the other patrons in the café. “What would you like? It will be my treat.”

“Oh no no no, no need! I have -” Emma grunts as she bends over her backpack and pulls down the zipper ornamented with the keychain of a blond cyborg, “a gazillion SundollarsTM gift cards! My college orientation and faculty events have the occasional lucky draws or mini contests, and I’d always get something out of them. It’s great, really. I regift them to my friends for birthdays. Saves me time and money from having to buy actual birthday presents. I keep my money, they get their coffee. But. Um. You didn’t hear that.” With some difficulty, she wrestles out a bright red gift card from the stack that is threatening to burst out of the seams of the pouch sewn into her backpack. “Ah, I’ll save this table. Could you help me order a large caramel frappe? And maybe one of their giant cookies. Any flavour is fine. Please and thank you!”

A pause. “Very well,” Xiqiang graciously replies as she accepts the gift card.

Seven minutes later, Emma is happily slurping down her frappe as a countdown timer to the livestream event pops up on her laptop screen. 47 minutes to go. Her ears are now plugged with a pair of earphones. Opposite her, Xiqiang is steadily typing away on her laptop with unnaturally impeccable posture.

It is at this very moment. That the universe decides to be an utter demon and opens the gates of chaos on what was supposed to have been a peaceful night with Emma Xing and the livestream of her Zheng ge, actor-singer and golden-hearted, multi-talented John Zheng.

Incoming Video Call: Estelle Xing

Emma accepts the call on her phone, and props it up on the table with the camera angled at her. She connects her second pair of earphones (won from a secondary school Poetry-in-Motion Competition with her epic poem Blood is a Vein Work of Art-eries) and stuffs the side with the microphone into her right ear. “Mom.”

“Emma. The house has no WiFi. My phone has not enough data to stream Gege’s event.”

“What. Why? Is it the router again? Did you turn it off for thirty seconds and turn it back on again?”

"Yes. Actually, I called Cellularity and they said that they were having a city-wide network issue.”

“Tch. D*mn company. I keep telling you to switch service providers!” Emma pinches the bridge of her nose. “Wait, where’s Gramma? We all know she's the tech-savvy one, shame on you.”

“... She’s with her tai chi group today.”

“What?! I thought that was next week! And how could she miss Gege’s stream?!”

“... They rescheduled because one of their grandsons is getting married next week...”

“... Just... Go to a café or somewhere with WiFi and stream it there. Do you have leftover SundollarsTM gift cards from my last visit?”

Emma’s mom grimaces. “Yes. See, I actually thought of that. I’m at the nearest one.” The camera angle wobbles, and the queue of chattering teenagers at the cashier behind Emma’s mom blips into view for a hot second.  

Emma feels a strange sense of pride well up in her chest. “Mommy! So smart!”

Mommy laughs weakly. “Haha. Ah. Yah. I bought a strawberry shake. And then they told me that SunDollarsTM’s WiFi is actually with Cellularity. All the branches. In the whole city.”

… “Mom. Why is your luck so bad. Also. Why! Are! You! Drinking a strawberry shake! You are diabetic!”

“Almost diabetic! And this is low sugar! And! All my good luck was used up to give birth to you. Emmiee~”

“Don’t Emmie me! Aiyah, hang up hang up, don’t waste your data. I’ll message Danny. He’s with DiGiTellTM, not that bloodsucking Cellularity. You can go leech off his Wifi.”

“Aiyoh, your Danny, how can you do this to him - “

“ByeMomloveyou.” Emma ends the call, and snatches her phone off the table to begin typing at the lightspeed typical of her generation. The baby blue smiley starfish phone charm attached to it smacks her knuckles.

“Um. Pardon me,” Xiqiang coughs politely. Emma’s eyes dart up. “Your earphones weren’t connected properly.”

Oh.  

“Oh. Aaaaaaahahahahahahaha! Ha! Sorry about that! I’ll just...” Emma mumbles and screws in the earphone jack infinitesimally. “... tighten... this. I don’t use this pair very much. I forgot it does that. Sorry.”  

“It is fine.” Xiqiang blinks at her curiously. “Your mother is in WalaysiaTM?”

Emma’s fingers pause in their assault on her phone’s keyboard, brown eyes wide. “How did you know? Oh. Oh of course.” She slaps her forehead. “Our SundollarsTM WiFi here is obviously fine. We obviously don’t have Cellularity here in CanataTM. And yeah, I kind of revert to my accent when I’m with my family. You can tell?”

Xiqiang nods politely. “I see. Well, I do hope that this works out for you and your mother. You seem to be... close?”

Emma beams. “Thanks!” She returns to her phone.

LuckyStar: Danny.

LuckyStar: Danny.

LuckyStar: Danny.

No reply. She frowns.

LuckyStar: Danny DanyDanny. Dannyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Seen by BetterDanU 7.08PM

Emma’s nostrils flare.

LuckyStar: DANNY YOU DIPSTICK WAKE UP WAKEUP I KNOW UR AWAKE EMERGENCY

LuckyStar: DANIEL NG! U WAKE UP OR ILL POST THAT NEW YEARS VIDEO OF U. U KNOW WHICH ONE

BetterDanU: …

BetterDanU: I actually WAS SLEeping because some ppl actually have to WORK friday nite and want to zzz sat morning. 

BetterDanU: Have u not headr of timezones. WHAT DO U WANT  

LuckyStar: Liar, i know ur schedule, u were def not sleeping.

LuckyStar: Gege’s livestream is today!

BetterDanU: … I know. U wouldnt shut up abt it. wat do u want

LuckyStar: Cellularity’s wifi is down all city and mom cant stream it  

BetterDanU: tell her to go to sundollars

LuckyStar: sundollars is w cellularity! 😡

BetterDanU: … bloodsuckers.

LuckyStar: I KNOW. Anyway, mom is at the sundollars near our house. U know which one. Go pick her up n let her use ur wifi pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaz  

BetterDanU: …......… fine.  

LuckyStar: tnx ur the best!

BetterDanU: go away

With that situation handled, Emma neatly bites off one point of her star-shaped cookie, and turns her eyes back to her laptop screen. 36 minutes to go.  

Score: Emma – 1; Universe – 0.

The Universe decides to try again.

Incoming Video Call: Emily Xing

Emma slowly swipes across her phone screen after triple-checking that her earphones are 100% plugged in.  

“... Hi Gramma.”

“Emma!” Several ladies’ heads of various artificial shades of red, brown and black bob into view behind Emma’s grandmother’s face on Emma’s phone. “Why can’t we log in to your VooDooTM account on Mimi’s computer?”  

“... Gramma, did you all reschedule your tai chi group to watch Gege’s stream together using my VIP account which you definitely bragged about to them?”

“Emily, we kowtow! Your Emma is the best!” hollers one of the ladies. Emma’s grandmother preens.

Gramma, Emma despairs, why are you so Asian?

“Emmie~”

Emma closes her eyes and mutters, “Don’t Emmie me...”

“We have VooDooTM open on my laptop, but there is seven of us and one laptop is not enough! Mimi’s computer cannot access the page! It says – it says – what does it say?!” Emma’s grandmother yells.  

“This content is not available in your country!” Aunty Mimi yells back from somewhere behind.

Emma sighs in exasperation, “Gramma, they’ll need to install a VPN. Do you remember how we did it on your computer?”

Emma’s grandmother is stunningly silent for a solid three seconds, and shakes her head. Emma sighs again. “What’s the address?”

One minute later:

LuckyStar: Danny danny danny

LuckyStar: is everytng ok w mom?

BetterDanU: yeah, shes taken over my living room and tv I hooked up to the comp.  

BetterDanU: Shes drinkin a poisonous lppking pink drink and eating those giant star cookies they hv. Theyre not going to last until the end of the dtream.

LuckyStar: … wait.

LuckyStar: wHAT COOKIES. Get them away frm her, shes almost diabetic!

BetterDanU: how can someone be slmost diabetic???

BetterDanU: … she says its low sugar. theyre actually rpetty good.

BetterDanU: *pretty  

LuckyStar: u traitor! and of all the typos to correct!

BetterDanU: ….......

LuckyStar: anyway, DANNY I NEED UR HELP ITS ANOTHER EMERGENCY

BetterDanU: what now

LuckyStar: dont tell mom this,  

BetterDanU: oh? gossip?

LuckyStar: but gramma is with her taichi grp now and theyre trying to stream Gege’s event on two computers but the second one wont work becz they need vpn on that one  

BetterDanU: Wow. brutal gramma.

LuckyStar: danny pleeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaase can u go help them install the vpn  

LuckyStar: pleeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase 🥺🥺🥺

BetterDanU: ….............  

BetterDanU: where r they

Twenty-ish minutes and one VPN install and seven impressed old ladies and one harrassed Daniel Ng later, Emma daintily bites off the second point of her star cookie.  

Emma – 2; Universe – 0.

Xiqiang sips her tea quietly as Emma narrates this second victory to her, and then digresses into hero-worshipping multi-talented, golden-hearted John Zheng.  

Emma swoons. “We all stan him so much across multiple generations! Sure, he’s eye candy, but you know what, even I can admit that, objectively, he’s not the best looking. No but!” She sucks in some of her frappe to quickly rehydrate, “Even though his eyes are not 100% symmetrical, you know they’re 100% real! Can’t say the same about everyone else! Not that there’s anything wrong with that. And! Even though his teeth aren’t 100% perfect... You should see his smile! Oh! My! Heart!” She clutches said heart. “So genuine! Like a bunny! And most of all, that VOICE! That BRAIN! And that HEART!”

Xiqiang tilts her head slightly in what is definitely interest.

“You should watch his songs and dramas and his interviews! He’s really mature, has a charming sort of wisdom, and he really understands his characters. He works so, so hard, and he’s super nice to everyone, even his janitors! And even his haters! Like, what the heck!” A deep sigh. “He is. The Best Guy. In the Universe.”

And thus, the Universe’s third Attempt at utter buffoonery manifests itself in the yet another round of buzzing of Emma’s Very Tired phone. Emma slowly slumps in her seat. Xiqiang’s almond eyes flick to the poor phone, and she excuses herself as she returns to her own laptop for business-y exorcist stuff.

Emma breathes in. Very Deeply. And returns to her Very Tired phone.

Alicia: Hi Emma!

Alicia: Its been a while. I hope you are well!

Emma scrolls up to check the last conversation she had with Alicia. Eight months ago, when they had exchanged the obligatory birthday wishes, and then slinked back to their respective lives until the next birthday.

It’s a bit sad, actually. Emma and a handful of secondary school friends had once been pretty tight, having gone through the horrors of academia and adolescence together. But ever since graduation, everyone had sort of just... drifted apart. With the exception of Danny, practically everyone she knew and was close to had gone on to different cities and even countries to pursue tertiary education in fields so varied you would wonder how everyone had even managed to grow up together in the same academic cohort forced to take up certain courses due to the way their country’s totally not flawed educational system had been structured because of course everyone absolutely agrees on the complete relevance to real life that is inherent in subjects such as Physics and Geography and Moral Studies (which, in all fairness, would be considered a fairly necessary subject especially in today’s society, had it not been based on pure rote memorisation of the regimented definitions of pre-determined moral values instead of critically applying said moral values in the written scenarios thrown to them every exam) and flippin’ dipsticky CALCULUS and and and -  

And we digress.

Emma: Alicia! It’s been a while!  

Emma: How may I help u?  

Alicia: Heehee. 😇

Alicia: iirc, I think u mentioned that u got a VIP VooDooTM account?

Emma: … Alicia you leech! Go buy ur own account!  

Alicia: im poor and u know it!

Emma: We’re millennials! We're all poor!

Emma: go upgrade with a 30 day free trial. Then just unsubscribe after.

Alicia: I can’t. 😭 I did it before and ti remembers my email add and wont let me do it again.  

Alicia: *it  *won’t

Emma: Then use another email add! We’re millennials! Who doesn’t have a back up email account?  

Alicia: I did! I used up my JmailTM, insightTM, innet, etc etc accounts last year  

Emma: Use ur parents’!  

Alicia: I did! They were  

Alicia: Confused when they got the notifs but thank goodness they thought it was Junk 😊  

Emma: … Girl, how much drama do you watch on there.

Alicia: Too much. Im in too many fandoms.  

Alicia: EMMA PLEASE! It's just to watch John Zhengs promo livestream for The Fox today! I swear I will not misuse ur account!  

Alicia: One day when I have money, I swear I will buy my own account.  

Emma: That is a lie and we both know it.

Alicia: 🤐

Emma remembers their shared afternoons of literal tears after every Calculus test they barely passed, and curses her soft heart as she gives Alicia her user name and password in an act of benevolence which she somehow has a feeling she will come to regret.

Alicia: Thank you sm. U rock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Emma: Its so u don’t get desperate enough to do anytng illegal.

Alicia: We both know im not that smart lol  

Emma: We are legal! And scrupulous!

Emma: For Zheng ge!

Alicia: For Zheng ge!  

“John Zheng seems to have an unusually loyal fanbase,” Xiqiang comments from behind her laptop. Emma nods absent-mindedly. She has barely bitten off the third point of her star cookie when her Very Very Tired phone begins buzzing again.  

Incoming Video Call: BetterDanU 

No longer keeping track of her score with the Universe, Emma sinks lower into her chair under Xiqiang’s intrigued gaze, and weakly answers her phone, “Hello?”

She does not expect her grandmother’s distraught face under the profile name of BetterDanU: “Emmie! Why can’t we log into your account with another computer? It says that – that – Danny ah, what does it say?”

Emma nearly spits out blood. “How many devices are you trying to log into?!” Her hard-earned, greatly coveted VIP account that no one else seemed to want to buy for themselves allowed simultaneous sign-ins to a maximum of ten different devices, a feature that was absolutely necessary for the three generations of the Xing family.  

“Mimi’s daughters and granddaughters came downstairs and heard about Zheng ge’s livestream. Two laptops are not enough for all of us, so of course we had to get more!”

Emma sends a silent thank you to Danny who by now must be an expert on VPN installations. Speaking of which. 

“Danny, you there? Just sign up for a free 30-day trial account. And don’t forget to unsubscribe later.”

“I did.” Danny’s muffled voice sounds admirably calm, but there is definitely the subtlest note of misery in it. “Aunty Mimi’s granddaughter invited her neighbourhood friends to watch the stream, and we are out of accounts.”

“How! Many! Computers?!”  

Emma thinks she hears a suspicious clearing of the throat from Xiqiang that may or may not have been a laugh. Emma locks eyes with her in despair.

There is a tiny, tiny curl of Xiqiang’s lips as she casually remarks, “I am done with my e-mails for the day, and would like to relax with some form of entertainment. VooDooTM seems to have quite the selection of highly rated dramas like you advertised so eagerly to me earlier, and I have been told that there will be a promotional livestream this evening for the much-anticipated... The Fox?” There is definitely a sparkle in those almond eyes. “I thought it might interest you to know that I have decided to watch this livestream, and will do so on my newly purchased VIP account, the user details of which -” she slides over a SundollarsTM napkin covered in the prettiest handwriting Emma has ever had the good fortune to lay her bloodshot eyes on, “ - are written here.”

Emma stares at her with now goo-goo eyes. “Xiqiang! You are a literal angel!”  

“Xi-what? Who are you with?” Danny’s head pops into view next to Gramma’s gleeful face.  

“Danny! I’m hanging up! I’ll send you a new user account info you guys can use!” 

“What -” his calm façade is definitely slipping.

Emma does not hear the curious titters of “Xiqiang? Wah! What an intimidating name!” “Who would dare to name their son Xiqiang?”  “Must be very strong!” “Must be very shuai!” as she chirps in reply, “A professional exorcist, your saviour, and my new bf!”

A delicate clink of a white plate ladened with fresh chocolate chip muffins jerks Emma’s eyes up from her phone. “Oh, a snack for the stream? Xiqiang, did you order this? You shouldn’t have!”

Xiqiang leans forward to divide the muffins evenly. “It is fine.”

Danny chokes on the other line, “What what what -”

“Now don’t bother me anymore, Zheng ge’s livestream is going to start. Check your message! I’ll send you the info! See you later! Bye, Gramma! Bye, Aunties! Enjoy the stream! Zheng ge fighting!”

LuckyStar: [photo attached]

LuckyStar: Isn’t that THE prettiest handwriting you have ever seen?

LuckyStar: Oh, but if you can’t read it, the login name is YXQ_Gege  

LuckyStar: and password is LuckyStar123

LuckyStar: wow. what a sense of humour.

LuckyStar: Anyway! U seriously rock! Thanks Danny! I owe u my life!

LuckyStar: Aunty mimi makes seriously good cakes, so u might as well stay.  

LuckyStar: And remember, don’t tell mom!!!

BetterDanU: WHO IS XIQIANG AND WHY IS HIS PASSWORD UR USERNAME

The star cookie is decimated as Emma congratulates herself on a job well done against the schemes of the Universe. Her laptop screen is flooded with comments when John Zheng’s shy smile fades into view as the livestream finally, finally begins.  

“Gege!” Emma whisper-squeals. “You can’t hear me and you don’t know I exist! But! You will not believe the night I’ve just had! Your face heals my eyes and your heart heals my soul!” She silences her desperately buzzing phone.

Xiqiang breathes in deeply, and lets herself smile for the first time in a very long time. After an unusual evening of using the Skytrain for the first time, encountering a low-levelled spirit which the Council had not thought to Cleanse, meeting the most interesting Class Three medium who was currently hugging her backpack as she immersed herself in a long-awaited livestream of a clearly beloved celebrity who she had taken great pains to introduce Xiqiang to, and putting the tiniest dent in her bank account to sign up for a VooDooTM account for various reasons, Xiqiang relaxes in her chair, and does not let herself think about tomorrow.

Character Profiles

1. Emma Xing Qixin

Emma is derived from the Germanic word ermen meaning "whole" or "universal". Emma is also used as a diminutive of Emmeline, Amelia or any other name beginning with "em".

  星 (Xīng): star

运气 (Yùnqì): luck

欣 (Xīn): happy

Height: 154 cm; 5.05 ft | 159 cm (error; there is a story behind this)

Tools: Several reuseable shopping bags, backpack, blond cyborg keychain, laptop, secondhand phone, baby blue smiley starfish charm bought by her mom Estelle and customised further by her grandmother Emily

2. Xiqiang

希望 (Xīwàng): hope

强度 (Qiángdù): strength

For the sake of this story, “Xiqiang” is considered a very masculine name.

Height: 179 cm; 5.87 ft

Tools: Laptop, traditional calligraphy brush set, angled-tip pen set, normal ballpoint pen set

3. Estelle Xing  

Estelle is a female given name of Latin origin, and means star.

星 (Xīng): star

Yes, her name literally means Star Star.

Emma Xing’s mother. Has rather bad luck. She admits that, although her daughter can drive her up the wall, she is her greatest blessing and happiness.

4. Daniel Ng

Daniel is a masculine given name and a surname of Hebrew origin. It means "God is my judge".

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. Ng (pronounced [ŋ̍]; English approximation often /ɪŋ/ or /ɛŋ/) is a Cantonese transliteration of the Chinese surnames 吳/吴 (Mandarin Wú) and 伍 (Mandarin Wǔ). Alternately, it is a common Hokkien transcription of the name 黃/黄 (Pe̍h-ōe-jī: N̂ɡ, Mandarin Huáng).

Emma Xing’s errand boy. And former classmate. The real MVP.

5. Emily Xing

Emily: "rival" or industrious and hardworking, comes from the Latin name Aemilia.

星 (Xīng): star

Emma Xing’s grandmother. Is more techno-savvy than her daughter/Emma’s mother Estelle Xing. Story behind that TBA.

6. Alicia  

Alicia means “of noble kind/sort/type” (from Germanic “adal” = noble + “heit” = kind/sort/type).

Emma Xing’s friend from secondary school. They have both narrowly passed Calculus exams together, which cannot be said for all their classmates.

7. John Zheng

The name John is a theophoric name originating from the Hebrew name יוֹחָנָן‎ (Yôḥānān), or in its longer form יְהוֹחָנָן‎ (Yəhôḥānān), meaning "YHWH has been gracious".

战争 (Zhànzhēng): war

Author is now too lazy to come up with a Chinese name, thank you very much.

Author’s Notes

Character profiles will not be written for every single character because ain’t nobody got time for that. They will be updated as the story progresses. If I have the discipline to actually write this dang story. \o/

This is just a test run. I have not truly touched creative writing in a very, very long time, and have sadly lost many different characters and plot bunnies over the years as I never had the will to just put pen to paper, or finger to keyboard. And neither have I ever tried tackling anything this ambitious, if you can call this ambitious. (Well, actually, I did make a pathetic attempt at a novel ten or so years ago, and reading THAT draft just made me cringe and shrivel up and die on the inside. Which will probably happen to this fic in ten years’ time? \o/ )  

Oh my gosh, I’m so tired of formatting this now. Please excuse any typos because I just. Cannot. 

If you somehow stumbled across this fic and read until the end, bless your heart, bless your eyes, and thank you for reading!