#but I also remember the pocket term back in 2012 too

[tinystrawberryshifter]

I was askborrowermedic back in the ol' days ....

does anyone who joined tumblr circa 2012ish remember pocket!aus. there was a pocket!au for like, every single fandom in existence. like it was a super super common fan trope and now I just never see it anywhere

context: pocket!aus are aus where a character is small enough to fit in a pocket, i.e. a tiny. this was a thing outside g/t circles, like obviously I had sizey mutuals into it, but it was very popular with people who weren’t otherwise into g/t. you’d refer to them as pocket!Character vs the term ‘tiny’, and there were plenty of askblogs themed around the concept.

it’s just super super interesting to me that for a brief period gt’ing your faves was a trend to people who didn’t otherwise know who g/t was. i miss it tbh

[kylesvariouslistsandstuff]

Well, This Sums It All Up

Upon the runaway success of BARBIE and OPPENHEIMER, two critically-acclaimed auteur-driven big studio pictures that are a rarity in this day and age, here's how capitalism responded...

Mattel is pumped to make a Barbie cinematic universe and adapt multiple other properties that are theirs or that they acquired. Polly Pocket! Barney! Wishbone??? What the heck??? Because apparently that's what the success of Greta Gerwig's BARBIE means: More IP movies!

Then, you had these lovely nuggets from Paramount's CEO Brian Robbins...

"We're not going to release an expensive original animated movie and just pray people will come." Paramount Animation will focus almost entirely on IPs, Nick shows and the like. Robbins added, "It's not about Disney and Pixar anymore. People are looking for animated movies that are irreverent and have a comedic point of view."

Wow, these statements have absolutely no nuance in them whatsoever. Especially considering that outside of a few productions, Paramount Animation never really overspent on movies. The statements also reveal a real problem with the way studios just kinda release movies... Like with trailers and various marketing materials, they're there. It's not a case of *no marketing* whatsoever, but the marketing generally has a real "please clap" energy to it. That's especially true of what were supposed to be Paramount's summer heavies that are coming up short at the box office: TRANSFORMERS 7 and MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 7...

Also... people are looking for animated movies that are "irreverent" and "have a comedic point of view"? This reminds me of the line of thinking when SHREK came out, and studios wanted to chase that movie's edgy humor and too-cool-for-school attitude without understanding what audiences stayed for - not came for. Then we got a handful of movies that tried very hard to replicate that, but few really remember. Like, HAPPILY N'EVER AFTER was clearly a box office juggernaut in 2007, right? It also ignores just how well ELEMENTAL is doing in terms of its legs and longevity, people also like animated movies that are like that: Personal, emotional, not being five steps ahead of everything, etc.

Paramount Animation also has a loooong history of false starts, all the way back to their founding in 2012, so I think this is a case where one should look inward rather than narrow the entire movie landscape down to simple sentences. It's hard right NOW to sell something, original or even IP-based (again, see how BEASTS and DEAD RECKONING have done), so this isn't a case of "This is out, this is in."

It's a ton of components, it is **never** as simple as "Well, just make good movies then."

I hear DEAD RECKONING PART ONE, much like its three predecessors, is a knockout MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE movie and one of the best heavies of the summer... Few are seeing it... It probably is a spectacular movie, I haven't had the time to see anything lately... But again, it proves my point: It's not just "quality". It's the stars aligning, audiences loving the movie (no matter what the critical reception or no matter what "experts" on twitter and letterboxd say), the marketing getting them interested to see it in the first place, the word of mouth, and its luckiness in a sea of movies vying for everyone's attention. That's something you just can't engineer prior to release.

So yeah, I think this dual-response to everything that's going on in the movies: A summer full of flops, the Barbenheimer combo being a sensation, the writer/actor's strike, CEOs continuing to be greedy dinguses prolonging a problem that could easily be solved by just doing the right goddamn thing... This response just sums it all up.

[queeenpersephone]

14. A kiss so desperate that the two wind around each other, refusing to let go until they are finished. Ironwidow, please?

so this kiss is a different kind of desperation than you might’ve been thinking of but trust me, it’s desperate lol. (also the ‘keep going’ line is stolen from the x files!)

anyway, here you go anon!

timeline: post endgame. tony and nat are alive. very very slight wandavision spoilers. just in terms of how wanda gets vision back. 

Natasha unlocks the door to her room, shoulders relaxing only slightly at the familiar darkness of an outdated motel, though its emptiness is unfamiliar. For the past three months, she has been on the run, but that isn’t the unusual part. No, the unusual part is that she is not on the run alone. Three months ago, mere weeks after they put Thanos down for good, Wanda had asked her to go for a drive. They had left in silence; there hadn’t been anyone to tell. The Compound had been quiet since the final battle, everyone’s minds on the sacrifices that had been made. Peter Quill, who none of them knew very well, had sacrificed himself to kill Thanos, bringing an end that was years overdue.

But no Avenger’s mind spent much time on Quill. Not when Clint had vaulted over a cliff to earn the Soul Stone.

The months are especially bad for Tony and Natasha.  Natasha, of course, is flooded with guilt whenever she thinks of Clint’s family, of the way he had begged her to let him go. He saved her from the KGB all those years ago, watched her back for decades. Now, he has saved her once again, at the expense of his own life.

Tony’s guilt is different. As much as he loves Clint, who has been a brother-in-arms to him, Natasha’s presence is such a relief that he can’t help but be grateful that Clint is the faster runner. And the worst part of it is: Natasha knows that. Every time Natasha looks into his eyes, she sees that relief, and it’s unbearable. He can’t bear to say anything to her directly, terrified of making things worse than they already are. They haven’t slept in the same bed since the battle, but at least they are under the same roof. At least she still wears her wedding ring.

Tony wakes up every morning, scared to death that he will find that ring on his bedside table and Natasha herself, gone.

Natasha knows all this too.

Which is why, when Wanda explains that she wants to find Vision’s body and give him the burial he deserves, Natasha takes the selfish opportunity to dive back into the spy world as they attempt to work out which of the shady government agencies is holding him.

This evening, they’ve made a break - an agency called SWORD had one scientist whose sister had been saved in 2012 by the Hulk. When they had contacted him, he had told them where Vision’s body is being stored. Tomorrow, they are going to get him back.

In celebration, Natasha gets them separate motel rooms. After checking on Wanda, who is deep into an old Sabrina the Teenage Witch program, she retreats to her own room.

The darkness feels a little oppressive, searching, even though she’s already checked high and low for listening devices or cameras. Still, Natasha keeps her gun tucked into her waistband as she moves to undress, her fingers finding the hem of her shirt and lifting it.

“Keep going, Agent Romanoff.”

Natasha recognizes that voice, she knows that voice, sultry and dark and oh, she knows he’s angry too, but her reflex to turn a gun on him is natural and swift. Sure enough, over the barrel, she sees Tony Stark, sunk deeply into the armchair in the corner of the room. He must’ve come in when she went to check on Wanda. “What are you doing here?” She asks, eyes narrowed. She puts down her gun, tucking it back into her jeans.

“What am I doing here? What the hell are you doing here? Nat, what is this?” He demands, standing. There is a fire burning in his gaze.

Natasha refuses to take a step back. He has another thing coming if he thinks she’s not going to stand her ground. “Wanda and I are tracking something down. It doesn’t concern you.”

He scoffs. “Would that something be Vision?” Her silence speaks for itself. “Wanda is my teammate, my friend. Vision was my creation, also my friend.” The air between them crackles with tension as he takes a step toward her, hands clearly clenching in his pockets. “And you, Natasha. You are my wife. Remember that? You vowed to love me, to stay by my side, to trust me.” She blinks slowly; the desperation on his face is painfully obvious, and she just wants a mere second or two of darkness. “But you can barely look at me,” he calls her out, eyes narrowed.

Part of her wants to hurt him. Part of her wants to be honest. She knows how to accomplish both. “Clint is dead,” she retorts, her voice breaking on the last word. Tony and Clint are the only people she has ever broken down in front of, but never completely. Never like the way she wants to now. “He’s dead, and I’m back, and you’re glad, Tony. You’re happy.”

Tony shakes his head, removing his hands from his pockets and holding them out to her ever so slightly. Still, she does not move closer. “You think I’m happy Clint isn’t with us?” He asks, swallowing hard. “I wish he was here every day. But you’re the most important thing in this universe to me. It’s you I can’t live without. ” He sighs, searching her face for some indication that he’s saying the right thing. “If I could make it different, if we could change it… if I could throw myself off that cliff to make you happy, I would do it.”

Those words suck up all the oxygen from the room. Neither of them breathe at the brutality of his honesty; Tony himself goes pale. Natasha looks horrified, eyes glistening. “That’s not what I want.” She can hardly get the words out fast enough. “Don’t put those words in my mouth.”  

He is close to tears himself. “Then what do you want?” He demands, voice cracking. “Tell me, and if it’s in my power, I’ll give it to you.”

She stops. Thinks. What she wants is Clint back. She wants Thor and Steve and Bruce and the others to have no more nightmares, to find happiness, to find peace. She wants to bury Vision’s body for Wanda, who has suffered immense loss. She wants to live in another time, another universe, where she is never a spy and Tony never the Merchant of Death, where someone else saves the world because their only responsibility is to each other.

But none of that is possible. None of that would close the distance between her husband and her in this moment, which is what she wants more than anything else.

Oh.

“Will you hold me?” She whispers, and the fire in Tony’s eyes fades into something else, something achingly tender.

“Of course,” he murmurs, striding forward and pulling her into his body.

Without heels, she fits comfortably under his chin, and they press together at every point. The angry words between them are still there, but they are softened by the embrace. But this isn’t enough. Natasha pulls back, ignoring his grunt of displeasure, before circling her hands behind his neck and pulling his mouth to hers.

It’s soft, gentle for a mere moment. But they’ve been apart for too long, and in seconds his tongue is in her mouth and her leg is hitched around his hip as she guides them so he presses her against the wall. It’s wet and hard and she thinks she might be crying, that he might be crying, but she focuses on the way his hands feel on her thigh and her neck. Hot. Stifling. Like he’s going to leave bruises, but the marks are tangential to the way he wants to dig his way inside of her and never come out. She knows, because she feels it too.

Her nails scrape at the nape of his neck, her other hand cupping his cheek and guiding his movement. His hand moves to her ass, and he hitches her up, kissing her all the while. She knows he loves it when her legs are wrapped around him, always ready with a joke about how quickly she could squeeze the life out of him if she wanted. Things that would intimidate most intimate partners excite her husband; it’s just one of the many things she loves about him.

“I love you,” he murmurs against her mouth, licking his way back inside before she can respond.

He moves to the bed, sitting back with her on his lap. The movement separates their faces for a moment, and she hurries to say: “I shouldn’t have left.”

He looks up at her. “No,” he says, dark eyes both solemn and gentle, pulling her back down so he can whisper the rest against her mouth. The separation of a few inches is too much after everything. He could die happy if she were pressed up against him for the rest of his days. “But we’ve been separated by so much, Nat. Circumstances, time, ourselves. And we always come back together.” He lays back, bringing her with him. She kisses him then, gentle and chaste and so wrapped around him that there is no air or light or dark between them.

“I love you,” she murmurs. “I’m sorry.”

He runs his fingers through her hair, bringing her forehead to his. “I’m sorry,” he replies. “I’ve avoided talking about Clint because I thought it would hurt you more. But I was wrong.” He pauses. “Can we just…?”

She smiles. “We can,” she tells him, moving so that she’s tucked into his side, still twined together. They exchange soft kisses in the darkness.

Tomorrow, they will help Wanda find peace.

Tonight, they will find peace in each other.

[a-student-out-of-time]

Wait? They're at the foundation's building? What do you mean by that?

They can’t just not leave, their bodies are the only things there. Their minds are in the past right now.

But...But...that doesn’t make any sense. They only remember the Tragedy timeline, he’s never-

Alright, I know this sounds weird, but lemme explain it in simple terms.

Ma’s an expert in this, after all.

*Naoko grabs a pen from her pocket and a napkin, then draws a simple diagram*

“Imagine if you had a ball at three different points in time, let’s say noon, 1 PM and 2 PM. At 1 PM, it gets pushed and ends up in a new location by 2 PM, where it falls into a time portal. But the question is, what pushed it?”

Could be a lotta things, right? It could be the wind, could be someone passing by...

Or it could be itself.

“What if that portal the ball fell into sent it back in time one hour? Far enough back that it manages to hit itself onto a path where it ends up at the portal in the first place. That’s what’s always going to do then. It can’t push itself away from the portal, no matter what happens. It’ll always go toward the portal because it went back in the first place.”

This is called the Novikov Self-Consistency Principle, or just Self-Consistency. It’s proof that time paradoxes like people usually think about them just can’t happen. It’s impossible.

For another famous example, you couldn’t go back and kill your grandfather. You have to exist to be able to do that, so no matter what you do, you can’t make yourself never exist. If you tried to shoot him, your gun would always jam. If you tried to run him over, your car would break down. If you tried to poison him, he wouldn’t be hungry, you get the idea.

That...That kinda sounds like...

Yeah. Think about it: you guys have changed the past a lot, right? But why does it seem like history is still moving in the same general direction that Hinata-san told you about? And why does it seem like it’s fighting you at the same time?

So...the Ankle effect? That’s Self-Consistency?

Bingo!

Time is gonna keep trying to move in one direction, and you can nudge it in a new one, but it’s gonna keep trying to go in that first direction until you change enough. That’s when it’ll start moving in that new direction in a way consistent with your changes.

Think of it like a river: it’s flowing one way, and you keep putting up dams and stuff until it flows in another direction. You can do that, probably change the whole river’s course, but you can’t make it magically flow uphill, right?

Yeah...that does kinda make sense.

Basically, what you think of as time will always try and flow toward the most logical direction. When you change enough, it’ll start to move toward a new future that logically follows from every change you made.

And as of October 20th, 2012, you guys have changed enough so time is forked between the Tragedy future and our future. And the Basilisk knows that too.

That’s probably what they’re trying to do: if they can’t get things to keep going toward the Tragedy future, they’ll ruin this one instead.

But you said that the Kisaragi Foundation has the world’s only time machine, right?

Yeah. But Self-Consistency means, if you go back and change the past, then no matter what future you make, it has to have a time machine too. You can’t come back to future where you don’t have a time machine, right?

So that’s why? Hajime, Kabuya-san, and Sora-san all went back in time in the Tragedy timeline, so they also go back in this future too?

Yeah. They’re still the same people you know, it’s just that this time is where they’re going to eventually end up.

It’s kinda like a retcon; you’re basically changing their reasons for coming back. But time travelers aren’t affected like we are here, since they’re still in 2012 and so they’ll avoid any weird changes to their memories.

As for the fourth time traveler, that’s another one here too. We don’t know who it is though; the Kisaragi Foundation sent them back and kept it top secret to protect them from the Basilisk. Only the people in charge of this know who it is.

The important part is that somebody has to have a time machine in order for them to be in the past, no matter what you change.

And that applies to all time travelers. But remember, this timeline didn’t exist before they went back from the Tragedy future and changed things.

So...the Basilisk...

Yeah, there’s no other way. Whoever they were, they had to come from the Tragedy Timeline too.

[365days365movies]

April 8, 2021: Swiss Army Man (2016) (Recap: Part One)

Don’t think about the Boy who Lived.

Daniel Radcliffe is a talented actor with a wider range than he’s given credit for. He’s been working since childhood, and has picked up quite a lot over time. While most famous for...a certain role that will go unnamed...he famously started his stage career in 2007 with the musical Equus, and that later progressed to How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, and Endgame.

Meanwhile, he also made appearances of television in varied roles, live-action and animated. He started his career in an adaptation of David Copperfield in 1999, voiced a character on The Simpsons three separate times, hosted Saturday Night Live in 2012, and also currently has an excellent role in the anthology series Miracle Workers.

And MEANWHILE, he also had quite the robust film career, especially after...the role which shall not be named. There were a few films made during that time period, like December Boys and The Woman in Black, but most of his time was understandably taken up, as was his public image. That, of course, ends in 2011. The first time I saw him in a role outside he who shall not be named was in the film Kill Your Darlings, about the collegiate career and romance in the life of famous gay poet Allen Ginsburg. It was very good!

The same year, 2013, he starred in Horns, a unique fantasy film that I considered watching for Fantasy March. His film career would be full of ups (The F Word, Trainwreck, Lost in London) and downs (Victor Frankenstein, Now You See Me 2, Playmobil: the Movie oh God REALLY JESUS). And right in the middle of those came one of his most famous weird roles. And that’s today’s focus. And I’ve been wanting to watch it for YEARS. And while we’re talking about him, let’s talk about this film’s other star: Paul Dano.

Dano’s career also began young, and in the opposite way to Radcliffe’s: in theatre first. After a stint on Broadway at the age of 12 (GODDAMN) in Inherit the Wind, as well as several other productions, he transitioned to film in 2000, around the same time that Radcliffe started as well. Eventually, he gained acclaim with his role in Little Miss Sunshine, and then...anybody else in the mood for a milkshake right about now?

Yeah, I haven’t seen that movie, but I really should this year. Consider it on my list...at some point. I’ll figure it out. Anyway, Dano’s role in There Will Be Blood only increased his acclaim, and found him acting in a number of indie films. Dano’s definitely not a blockbuster guy, but that’s not to say that he completely avoids them either. He’s been in Knight and Day, Cowboys and Aliens, and Looper, which all fall under that category. And except for the last one...they aren’t especially good, either. 

But again, he was also in 12 Years a Slave, Okja, Wildlife, Where the Wild Things Are, and Meek’s Cutoff, and all of those were critically acclaimed, and some almost reached blockbuster status themselves. So I don’t really know how to feel about his upcoming role as...the Riddler.

Yeah, we’ll see, but I’m holding my breath. Dano’s great, and I love the Riddler, but...I dunno. Like I said, we’ll see. But in the meantime, that’s enough navel-gazing. Let’s watch Swiss Army Man! SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap (1/2)

We begin at sea. If you have thalassophobia, this is already terrifying for you. After seeing many plastics floating on the ocean, covered in written messages, we make our way to a deserted island, where Hank Thompson (Paul Dano) is committing suicide after being stranded there for so long.

However, as he does, he spies someone lying on the beach. The rope snaps, and Hank runs over to greet the body, hoping that he isn’t dead. Unfortunately, after a very loud burst of flatulence, it’s pretty damn clear that this is a dead body. And yes, this is Daniel Radcliffe, but I’ll introduce him formerly when the time comes.

Hank’s sad that the guy isn’t alive, but still speaks to him about his hopes and dreams in the past. He’d always wanted a life of parties and friends and love, and imagined that he’d see that kind of life in a flash before he died. Instead, he only saw the body, who responds with yet another fart. But with that, Hank goes back to trying to hang himself. 

And as he does...the body keeps interrupting with its INSANE gas. Like, it’s so bad that the body keeps shaking as if it were alive. The body washes into the sea, and its flatulence begins to propel it away from the shore. Hank sees this, and he uses the humming he was doing to make the Intro Song, which is strangely mesmerizing? Like, literally soundtrack-worthy, I’m not kidding. He also grabs a piece of his noose, uses it to grab onto the body, and rides it as the farts propel them both far away from the beach. It’s absolutely absurd...and kind of great. And then the titles play.

Hank wakes up on the short of a different island, or possible a larger land mass, and is overjoyed by the change in scenery. He shouts his name to the world, and credits the body with his rescue. No longer stranded in the Pacific, as far as we know, he tries to use his phone, to no avail. He decides to head out and look for help, grabbing a bag of Cheetos that washed up alongside them, bids the body farewell...and then comes back for it.

Carrying the farting body on his back (and kind of treating him as if he’s alive), he wanders through the forest to find help. He wonders if the gas is the result of decomposition (likely, if excessive), or if its the body’s soul leaving it. Either way, the trudge forward. They settle in a cave for the night, as it rains heavily outside. As Hank is want to do, he hums to himself, and shares more of his personal life with the body, as he sings to it. And yeah, I’ve been linking to these songs, because the soundtrack is genuinely fascinating to me.

Morning comes, and Hank awakes to a raccoon prying at the body, which he subsequently chases for food. In his desperation for food and water, he’s once again about to leave the body in the cave, but notices it leaking copious amounts of water from its mouth, which it had collected from the cave walls overnight. And yes...he drinks it. Which is absolutely disgusting when you think about it, which I now choose NOT to.

In the process, Hank squeezes the body for more water, and air escapes his mouth in such a way that it sounds like it’s speaking a name: Manny (Daniel Radcliffe). From that, Hank gets the body to speak his name and a simple greeting, but grows frustrated from the inability of the body to speak properly. This leads to him being a bit abusive towards him, reminding him unfavorably of his own father. Ooh, character revelations, me like.

Anyway, he apologizes to Manny for treating him that way...and Manny responds. Which FREAKS HANK THE FUCK OUT, understandably, and he punches Manny and flees the cave. As he comes back, Manny is indeed speaking outright, which is either a miracle or Hank just straight-up hallucinating. Either way, Hank asks Manny to try and remember his past life, but all he can get is the vague recollection of the Jurassic Park theme song. But Manny can’t remember the movie itself, which is when Hank says the most correct line ever said in all of film.

You’re goddamn right. Anyway, from, there, Hank tries to teach Manny about the ways of the world, and the nature of life and death. And the resulting conversation is absolutely fuckin’ ridiculous, and I love it all. Through the process, Manny learns about the world, and Hank asks him to help get home.

In the process, Manny inadvertently insults Hank, causing to walk off and once again look for help, only to eat poison berries and throw up for a sec. The two reunite, and their conversation turns to the topic of sex. See, there are some magazines in the cave that they’re in, which prompts some questions about women, sex, and love. To both of their surprise, this conversation causes Manny’s heart to beat! Spurred on, Hank continues, and Manny’s heart appears to reawaken...as does his penis. That’s a link to the soundtrack, I promise.

Hank and Manny both freak out, as his little Manny seems to have a mind (and motility) of its own. But in the ever absurd nature of this movie’s premise, this too has a secondary function: it’s a compass. Yup. And that prompts the next step of their journey, which is full of a conversation about fetishes and masturbation. Yeah, Hank’s surprised about that, too.

This leads to a conversation about his parents, as well as somewhat traumatic parts of his childhood, including his mother’s premature death. This makes Hank upset, and he lashes out at Manny, who briefly returns to being dead until Hank apologizes. As they go on, however, they encounter another denizen of the forest: a bear. This causes the two to fall off a cliff, and causes Hank’s phone to fall out of his pocket and turn on, allowing Manny to see the picture of a girl on his background.

Manny’s enraptured by the picture, and constantly asks to see her again, as Hank continues to struggle for food. The problem is that Hank needs to conserve the power on the phone, but Manny asks if Hank can dress up as the girl in order to help him remember, and bring him back to life to help save them both. He does so reluctantly, but Manny calls him beautiful, to which Hank reacts positively. This not only helps Manny come to life a little more, but also leads Hank to shave to look more convincing for Manny...and possibly for Hank, too.

As these two engage on a fake date and create a fake bus (while Manny listens to a fake self-sung cover of Cotton Eye Joe that I’m putting on my playlist), this is a good time to mention the one thing I know about this movie...maybe. I don’t quite remember where I heard this, but I have heard that this film is possibly a commentary on the transgender experience, or at the very least that Hank is transgender, but hasn’t come to terms with that as of yet. Now, I don’t know if that’s true or not, but I have heard that, and I’m definitely interested to see if that’s the direction this goes. This scene definitely seems to somewhat confirm this theory. Also, I will say (as I have said before when watching The Danish Girl), I’m a straight dude of the cissexual sort, so this is in NO WAY in my wheelhouse, but I still figured I’d mention it.

We’re also at the halfway point now, so this would seem like a good time to pause for Part 2! See you there!

[onlydylanobrien]

Dylan O’Brien Talks Feeling “Broken” After Traumatic ‘Maze Runner’ Accident & Why New Indie Pic ‘The Education Of Fredrick Fitzell’ Came At The Perfect Time

Former Teen Wolf star Dylan O’Brien has been through a transitional and challenging period after a serious accident on the set of the final Maze Runner film left him with injuries that required reconstructive surgery. The actor’s recovery coincided with him reading a script called The Education Of Fredrick Fitzell, a low-budget, mind-bending drama written by Canadian filmmaker Christopher MacBride, whose previous credits include 2012 horror The Conspiracy. The material sparked with O’Brien in an intense way, he tells Deadline in his first interview about the movie, connecting with that period of his life and reflecting some of what he was going through. “I was a mess,” he admits frankly.

Inspired, O’Brien attached himself to the movie, which follows a man who, after a chance encounter with a person forgotten from his youth, literally and metaphorically journeys into his past. It marks an intriguing and sideways move for the actor, whose career has almost entirely been in studio movies, such as Deepwater Horizon and Bumblebee. The actor also had interesting and timely points to make about how he thinks COVID-19 protocols could give the industry an overdue wakeup call over “outdated” health and safety regulations.

Deadline sat down with O’Brien and his Fredrick Fitzell director Christopher MacBride ahead of the film’s premiere at Spain’s Sitges film festival this week. Maika Monroe, Hannah Gross and Emory Cohen also star in the movie. Protagonist Pictures is handling sales.

DEADLINE: Congratulations on the movie’s premiere, are you disappointed not to be heading over to Spain?

CHRISTOPHER MACBRIDE: I would’ve gone for sure. My last film (The Conspiracy) went to Sitges, I’m super bummed not to be going back.

DYLAN O’BRIEN: I’m super bummed too. I saw pictures from the festival the other day, I hadn’t been thinking about it and they made me realise what we’re missing, any other year we’d be going and premiering our film which would be incredible.

DEADLINE: How did your collaboration on this movie come about?

MACBRIDE: I wrote this script more than 10 years ago. It was always in my back pocket, sort of ‘the film I want to make before I die’. A couple of years ago I started taking it seriously and me and my producers started taking the road of finding people crazy enough to join us. I got really lucky that an awesome cast responded to the script, that’s the difference of if it gets made or not.

DEADLINE: Did you have Dylan in mind?

MACBRIDE: I did not. I really disliked Dylan before this film [laughs]. The producers suggested Dylan because they had a relationship and I devoured every piece of Dylan O’Brien work I could. I could tell he had a depth to him, I could see a real actor at work. When we got on set I had this illogical anxiety – ‘what if Dylan sucks?’ – I remember when I called action the first time, I saw his whole body transform and this great, horrible, Fred Fritzel posture overtake him. He became Fred, and relief hit me.

O’BRIEN: That is hilarious.

DEADLINE: How did you get attached Dylan?

O’BRIEN: I had a general with Russell Ackerman (EP on the movie). He sent me the script and I remember thinking, ‘yo, this is me right now’. I happened to be in this place of life, I was going through a lot, and this script felt like what I was going through, I completely got it. Me and Chris talked and I was raving about how fascinating it was and how I was connected to it.

DEADLINE: What was it about the material you empathized with?

O’BRIEN: I was entering a new chapter in my life and career simultaneously. I must have read a hundred projects and to do one it had to be really great. A lot of things struck me about this script, it was exceptionally impressive, extraordinarily visual.

When I read it, I felt like I was going through a quarter-life crisis. I had been allowing myself to be in this pretty f*cked up, lost place. And then this script came along and I thought it was crazy how much it was me at that moment. The film surrounds a guy who is baulking at the next stage of his life, he’s dealing with tremendous loss, and at that time in his life he reached back, to a specific night, I liked that idea. It’s a very human story.

DEADLINE: To what extent did those emotions stem from your accident on The Maze Runner?

O’BRIEN: That was definitely one of the pieces. It was a concoction of sh*t. I had a rough and long road back from that, probably more than people realize. It was a very private and personal thing for me. I was going through that sh*t for long time.

A lot of things in my life were changing and were difficult at that time. A lot of things in my career were changing too. I was fighting it for a while, and freaking out that I felt so f*cking broken. I had to accept that and sink into it. It’s hilarious to think back to the place I was in when I read this script and then the onslaught of information I screamed at Chris after I read it. But I think he took it as interesting, that I got it to the core. I was so in that moment.

DEADLINE: Was shooting the movie a cathartic experience for you?

O’BRIEN: Yes I guess it was. I used it as an outlet, to lean into the mess I was in at the time. I really loved Chris and I loved our cast. It was such a great challenge too, we had to shoot fast and it’s a very complicated piece to film in 25 days.

DEADLINE: I assume a tight budget too…

MACBRIDE: Oh yeah. I’m sure every movie that gets made feels like it doesn’t have enough time or money, but we really didn’t have enough time or money. It’s the nature of filmmaking, you have to accept you’re gonna have 300 disasters along the way. Everything that could possibly go wrong is going to go wrong. You have to navigate that and still try to execute.

DEADLINE: Dylan, what was it like working on a more indie production, in contrast with your studio jobs?

O’BRIEN: I loved it. But I think people’s perceptions of things I worked on are a little inaccurate because of how commercial they ended up being. Maze Runner was a $30m movie but we shot it in 40 days. And Teen Wolf was notorious in the industry for being the most low-budget and ambitious TV scheduled at the time. I was used to the hustle so this wasn’t jarring. It’s my favourite thing to do, being on set, that family and that camaraderie, that’s what it’s all about.

DEADLINE: Do you see yourself doing more indie work going forward?

O’BRIEN: Absolutely. I’ve never thought of myself as a studio actor. The two things that give me that reputation both started out quite small and were little miracles in their own right. I’ve always felt I respond to, and work better with, more intimate pieces of material anyway. Going forward people will see me more in independent, weirder things like this. This is the first time I’m choosing my own path. I’m picky, it’s got to mean something to me.

DEADLINE: How do you feel about doing your job in this COVID era?

O’BRIEN: I definitely don’t love the prospect of it as of now. A large part of me thinks it’s going to be a long overdue positive influence on these dated health and safety regulations that tend to be on a set anyway. I’m looking forward to that but I hold some reservation, I need to see it function first. Set culture in terms of health and safety – everything comes ahead of it. We’re talking about capitalism, everyone egregiously prioritizes money. Sets are a lot of people, moving parts, equipment – lots of things can happen. As actors, we have to protect ourselves. I learned that. I’m adamant about it, the only person who’s going to have your back is you.

[missperfectlyfine13]

A Bandaid For Your Bullet Hole - (Chp. 2/?)

Read Below or on AO3/FF

TW: Mentions of overdose

August 2009

“Mom, I’ve got all my stuff in the ca….” Chloe’s sentence is swallowed back up into the atmosphere when she walks back into the living room, “you’ve got to be kidding me.”

Chloe’s mom is sitting in the middle of the sofa, her arms wrapped tightly around a scruffy looking man in a mechanics uniform. There’s a few half empty bottles of booze on the coffee table and a lit joint between her mother’s fingers. She laughs airily at some dumb remark the stranger practically underneath her makes. She’s as high as a kite and probably drunk to boot.

“Chloe!” her mom’s eyes light up at the sight of her only daughter, “come have a drink baby.”

The only good thing about her mom getting high instead of drunk is that she is much happier. Her mom is an angry drunk, she turns into someone that Chloe scarcely recognizes. At least when she’s high she somewhat resembles someone Chloe used to know.

“What happened to taking me to college today?” she snaps, completely ignoring her mother’s request.

“That was today?” she asks dumbly, bringing her glass tumbler to her lips, taking a long sip of dark amber liquid.

Chloe groans frustratedly, “We’ve been talking about it for weeks.”

“Calm down princess, we can still do it,” she’s got to be kidding, she’s not going to let her mom drive anywhere like this.

Chloe shakes her head vigorously, “No. It’s fine, I’ll just stuff everything into my car and do it myself. You clearly have more important things to do.”

Her words must permeated through her mom’s hazy brain because she’s jumping up from the sofa, some of her drink sloshing out of her glass and onto the cream colored carpet, “No, Chloe let me do this. I want to do this.”

“I’m not taking you anywhere like this,” Chloe motions up and down her mother’s body, “you would just be an embarrassment.”

Her expression almost looks hurt before it turns bitter, “If that’s how you feel about me, then fine do it all on your own. See if I care.”

Chloe turns around without another word. She mindlessly shoves all her belongings into her little chevy impala, barely getting in everything she needs. She doesn’t even bother to go inside to say goodbye before driving down the road. It’s time for a new beginning, a new life, one she doesn’t have to hate. She has a good feeling about Barden, hopefully her gut is right.

************

December 2012

The winter air is crisp, sending a shiver down Chloe’s spine as her and Beca walk towards her dorm. They just left Bellas rehearsal and the air almost feels good after all the exercise.

“So, what are you doing for winter break?” Beca breaks the comfortable silence, shoving her hands deep into the pockets of her coat.

Chloe shrugs, “I’ll probably stay on campus, I might go visit my brother, if he’s going to be around.”

Beca looks at her dumbly for a moment before composing herself again, “You aren’t going home for Christmas?”

Her and Beca have gotten really close this semester, Chloe might even dare to say she’s her best friend…if she didn’t have a heart stopping crush on the younger girl that is. Even so, she’s not sure if she wants to unpack her reasoning for never going home yet.

“Nope,” she answers the question simply, hoping Beca will just take the answer and let the topic drop.

She knew she wasn’t going to be that lucky, because Beca doesn’t care about anyone…anyone but her it seems. Chloe is the only person Beca goes the extra mile for, at least from Chloe’s point of view, that’s how it seems.

“Why?” the question barely surprises her as it come out of Beca’s mouth, her breath leaving a puff of white in the air.

“It’s a long story,” Chloe tries her best to deflect, but she knows Beca won’t give it up.

Maybe opening up to someone else would feel good. Maybe to weight of her problems would feel a little lighter.

“I’ve got time, we can go get coffee?” Beca looks at her hopefully, “My treat?”

“I thought you were having a movie night with Jesse,” Beca had been talking about it all week, the excitement of a new relationship and all.

That’s another thing that has been making Chloe feel even worse than she does at this time of the year. She had a bad feeling Beca would end up with him…she had a bad feeling she was straight. Chloe loves their friendship, but it just makes everything that much more painful.

“You were literally coming to my dorm to hang anyways, that’s not until later,” Beca laughs.

Chloe’s cheeks burn red, “Oh yea, sorry, blonde moment I guess?”

“You’re not even blonde, you don’t get to use that one.”

Chloe gives Beca a playful shove, “Shut up.”

After another five minutes of walking, they finally end up at the coffee shop. Before Chloe knows it, there’s a steaming hot cup in her hands and Beca looking across the table at her expectantly.

“So now, why don’t you go home for Christmas?” Beca parrots the question from earlier, making Chloe squirm uncomfortably in her seat.

“So, I guess it all really started when my dad died,” Chloe twirls the paper cup in her hands, attempting to channel her nerves into something else.

Beca nods, encouraging her on.

“My mom kind of self-imploded after his death…it started with drinking. It just spiraled from there, drugs, lots of sex with random men. It made all four years of high school miserable for me,” Chloe can feel tears threating to spill, she never talks about this, “after my first Christmas back home in college I vowed to never go back until she got her shit together.”

A hand reaches across the table to settle over her own. Chloe looks up into Beca’s eyes, which are sad and empathetic. It makes her feel comfortable, grounded, Beca’s hand against her own. Her fingers twitch underneath the touch, she never wants to break the contact.

“I’m so sorry Chloe,” Beca says softly, “that must be really hard…so I take it she’s still pretty bad?”

Chloe nods slowly, “Uh yea, I’ve tried to get her to go to rehab but she won’t listen, I’m worried she never will.”

“I know this is nothing compared to what you dealt with,” Beca looks vulnerable as she speaks, “but high school was really rough for me too. My parents got a divorce and my dad married my now step monster. I felt so betrayed, I felt like nothing would ever be right again. I felt like my dad was giving up on me.”

“I’m glad you shared that,” Chloe turns her hand so it’s holding Beca’s instead of lying limply below hers, “I’m glad I’m not the only one with a shitty story.”

“I mean you definitely win if we’re comparing, but yea, it was nothing to write home about,” Beca smirks.

Beca finally pulls her hand away and Chloe instantly misses her touch. She quickly moves her hand back to her cup, lifting it to her mouth, not wanting Beca to know how much the little contact affected her.

“Do you want to come home with me for Christmas?” Beca asks after a few moments of silence.

The question practically makes Chloe choke on her latte, “I couldn’t do that Bec. Your family doesn’t even know me.”

“They know of you,” Beca replies nonchalantly, “plus they would love you.”

“So, you’ve talked about me to your family?” Chloe quirks an eyebrow.

It’s Beca’s turn for her cheeks to fade into a light shade of red, “They were asking if I made any friends…so I told them about you.”

“Don’t be embarrassed Beca, I love that you’ve told them about me. If I talked to my mom, she would know about you, because you’re one of the best things about this semester,” Chloe says honestly, hoping the blunt truth doesn’t weird the other girl out.

A smile the size of Texas spreads across Beca’s face. She doesn’t seem sure how to respond, but Chloe knows she probably feels similarly if her expression is to judge.

“Shouldn’t you be asking Jesse to go home with you for Christmas instead of me?” Chloe suddenly remembers Beca’s boyfriend.

Beca shakes her head no, “He has his own family to go home to, plus I’ve only been dating him for a month. I’d much rather have you come with me…especially because I want to save you from having to be here for three weeks.”

“I’ll think about it,” Chloe finally answers Beca’s offer.

She’s going to have to think hard about it, the last time she went home with someone for Christmas…well let’s just say it’s not a fond memory. It was an almost eerily similar situation. She had known Aubrey for one semester and after the blonde found out about her mom, she had invited her home for Christmas. She also needs to remind herself that it was a very different situation all together.

************

December 2009

There’s no hiding the fact that Chloe is scared to go home for Christmas. She’s scared about what she’s going to find. It’s the first time her mom has been alone for that long. Chloe watched out for her more than a teenage daughter should.

She also left on bad terms in the fall.

She could walk into anything really, which is terrifying. Which is why the whole drive back to South Carolina, Chloe is practically shaking with nerves. She probably shouldn’t have loaded up on coffee like she did, the caffeine isn’t helping. Aubrey has called her on and off, offering her support…and the reminder that she can go to Aubrey’s house if it’s too bad. Chloe was determined to make this work though; she didn’t want to run away on her mom completely. Chloe is not a quitter.

About an hour later she finally pulls into the driveway of her mom’s house, the windows are dark even thought the sun set hours ago. That’s already not a good sign. Chloe puts the car into park and takes a deep shaky breath. She gets out of the car after a few moments of composing herself.

She slings her bag over her shoulder and walks up the path to the front door, her hand shakes as she lifts the key to the lock. Chloe pushes the door open slowly, she can hear the TV blaring some infomercial for air tight containers. It’s the only light illuminating the living room. As Choe steps further in the door, she can see her mom’s identical mop of red hair flowing over the arm of the sofa, her hand hanging limply down onto the floor. She can’t make out much else with how dark the room is, the blue-ish light of the TV making everything look a little eerie.

An ice-cold feeling courses through her, her heart rate picking up. Something isn’t right, she can just feel it. Chloe throws her bag down onto the floor and rushes over to the sofa. It barely looks like her chest is moving up and down, her lips look a little blue. Out of the corner of her eye she sees a baggy of pills on the coffee table. Shit. This can’t be happening.

“Mom,” Chloe says firmly, “Mom!”

Nothing.

Chloe kneels down next to her and shakes her vigorously, “MOM.”

Her hands shake as she pulls her phone from the back pocket of her jeans. Her fingers can barely hold still as she dials 911.

The operator is calm and comforting. She walks Chloe through checking to see if her mom’s heart is still beating. She feels like she’s floating through some nightmare as she rips her mom’s shirt open and starts chest compressions. She has no clue how long she hammers into her mom’s chest before the door busts open and the paramedics are pushing her out of the way. Her vision blurs as she finally lets herself cry.

She’s not quite sure how she gets to the hospital. The world finally comes back into focus when a nurse carefully approaches her and asks if there’s anyone that she can call for her.

“Um, my best friend, Aubrey,” her voice sounds foreign to her.

************

When Chloe’s mom finally is stable and back at home, Chloe leaves to go back home with Aubrey. Before she leaves, it isn’t pretty, her and her mom scream and fight, but there is no way she’s ever going to come back home to that again. Chloe gives her a final ultimatum: Go and get some help or I’m done here.

Christmas is miserable, even though Aubrey’s family is warm, inviting and sympathetic. They make her feel like she’s family. Even so, Chloe has never felt more alone. She feels like she has nowhere to go. She has no one to bake her cookies to take back to her dorm or give her a hug that feels like home when she needs it or give her boy (or girl?) advice. She’s all alone and it’s something she’s going to have to get used to.

************

December 2012

“I’ll go home with you,” Chloe offhandedly mentions to Beca as they sit on the bed in Chloe’s room at the Bella house.

Beca’s eyes light up and the chips she was munching on practically fall out of her mouth, “Really?”

Chloe nods, after thinking about it, the idea of having people to spend Christmas with would be really nice. It’s something she hasn’t experienced since Christmas her freshman year.

“I would love to,” Chloe smiles happily at the younger girl next to her.

“That’s awesome!” Beca exclaims, “Oh shit, I’ve got to book the flight like now then.”

“You haven’t done that already?” Chloe looks at her quizzically.

Beca shrugs, “I was waiting to see if you would want to come first.”

“You could have missed out on getting tickets Bec, you shouldn’t have.”

“I know, it’s ok though, I wanted to,” Beca looks down at her phone, which has flight listings to Seattle already displayed, “get your snow boots ready Beale, it’s been chilly out there this year.”

“You know, I’ve only seen snow a couple times in my whole life,” Chloe already feels excited thinking about seeing the fluffy, white precipitation.

Beca’s eyes bug out, “Dude, we are so going sledding.”

For the first time in years, Chloe is starting to feel excited about this time of year. This might be the best Christmas she’s had in a long time…

[avengersassemble-fics]

But Not Us

part 02/?? “still a soldier”

previous part // next part

word count 2.1k

an: eek wow looky here

Given the circumstances, you had to make it a point to attend more of Steve’s meetings. The last thing you needed was the thought that there even was a potential Avengers prison, and if you disappointed the Captain America, you didn’t want to be inside that. There was too much work to do out here.

Lincoln still had yet to hear from his connection, and anytime you brought it up he visibly got uncomfortable. After a few weeks, you stopped asking. There must be some kind of history there and it was none of your business. But maybe you didn’t need his connection after all. Word began to spread of what you were doing here, and people began to come. They started to listen.

There were maybe a hundred people now gathered in this warehouse in the city. A hundred people just like you. Aware, scared, and looking to survive. The chatter in the room had never been so loud, you were so used to it just being Lincoln and yourself that it could have been deafening. When it came time to give a speech, Lincoln was the perfect candidate (though he disagreed on that).

“In the last five months there have been more of us taken than what’s even in this room,” Lincoln said. At this point everyone was listening, including you who stood by his side, giving encouraging smiles when he looked your way. “There’s no doubt there’s.. Something behind it. Someone. But we don’t have people to protect us anymore. No Avenger.. No SHIELD.. Just us.. And I think that’s all we need. All we can rely on.”

A few people hollered in agreement, some just nodding their head along with what he was saying. Lincoln looked over to you for guidance and with a deep breath you took a step forward to speak.

“Lincoln and I are doing what we can to find out who is behind this,” you started. The voices silenced again to listen to what you had to say now. “There’s no doubt who’s being targeted, so we recommend traveling in groups no smaller than two or even three.. And if you think you’re being followed, do whatever you need to disappear.

“We have to live with eyes on the back of our heads.. But that life is better than being killed.”

“Is something on your mind, (Y/N)?”

You blinked a few times before your environment came back into view. It was the same room, same circle of chairs, and same group of faces staring back at you. The voice in question though sat almost directly across, looking you down with what you could only describe was wonder. You straightened up a bit, still keeping your arms crossed before you and sighed.

“I’ve been thinking about my sister a lot recently,” you said in nearly a whisper. By the looks on people's faces, the strain you could see they showed to try and hear you made you clear your throat before continuing. But you hesitated, looking over at Steve for permission, only opening your mouth to speak when he offered you a nod.

“My parents died about four and a half years before the blip, and I came back from Nepal to assume custody. She was seven, and it.. Well forced me to grow up a bit. Pushed aside what I was going through because now something bigger than me mattered. She mattered more.”

You grimaced a smile. “I know we’ve talked about the pain before, I know we’ve tried to reassure one another that they didn’t feel anything but.. Y’know I can’t help but just wonder if that’s really true. One second she was there and when I looked again she was disappearing. Leaving. And I couldn’t get to her side fast enough.. She looked so scared.”

“There wasn’t anything you could do,” Steve said. You bit the inside of your cheek to nurse the sting you felt grow over your chest and in your eyes. “There was nothing any of us could do.”

Wasn’t there though? Isn’t that what the Avengers are for?

Your eyes flickered back down to the ground, and Seve sat back against his chair. Did he know what you thought? You tapped your foot a bit against the ground, and Steve’s eyes lingered on your shoe before you spoke again. “Whatever decided who left and who stayed, I think it chose wrong.”

Your statement settled in the room and before you knew it Steve as announcing the end of this session. You stood from your seat and grabbed your bag, but not faster than Steve could get to you.

“I agree with you, you know,” he said. You pushed your arms through the straps of the backpack you were carrying around and looked back at him, a bit shocked really. You had heard who on the Avengers were blipped.. You wondered who he would’ve switched places with. “But I wanted to ask you.. Do you really think she would be better off experiencing this? Alone.”

“She deserved more than me,” you answer honestly. By the look on his face you shocked him with that. You mumbled a goodbye when another group member started to come over to you two, and you disappeared.

Steve knew as he watched you leave that he probably wouldn’t see you for the next meeting.

Steve went on with his day as “usual.” Even using the term was wrong but it was the only thing that fit. After trying to make it work with Sharon, and it just not working, he moved his things out and got a place in Brooklyn all to himself. But as he struggled to get back on his feet, he frequently found himself making trips to his old home, and catching up with Natasha while he was there.

And also to use the washer and dryer that was there, but that was just an added bonus of visiting.

As Steve placed his bag on a chair just outside where Nat did her meetings, he caught the end of the call. The pictures of his team disappeared, and when it was just them alone Nat finally looked over at Steve as he leaned his shoulder up against the wall.

“Geez, Steve. Do you not own a razor? I can get you one if you need it,” she poked at him. Steve smiled a bit.

“I happen to still like the beard, it’s not the first time you’ve seen me with it anyways,” Stevereminded her. But she only shrugged.

“Whatever floats your boat,” she said as she sat down in her chair. “You here to do your laundry?”

“Here to see a friend,” Steve replied. When she raised a brow at him he shrugged. “Maybe to also do laundry.”

“Help yourself,” she said. Nat began to type away at something but Steve didn’t budge. So she paused and glanced over at him. “Is there something on your mind, Steve?”

“I was just wondering if you were able to find anything about these disappearances,” Steve asked. He moved forward and sat in one of the seats across from his friend, and ran his hands down his jeans. “Any leads? Connections?”

“For someone who claims to be out of the game, you sure do ask a lot of questions,” Nat jokingly said, but it didn’t stop her from returning to typing on her computer. “Honestly Steve no. We can’t find a link between the victims. The only thing they all share in common is some facial recognition in Nepal. But the years don’t match. 2012, 2013, and a few from 2014. That’s the last of it though.”

“Nepal?” Steve asked. He remembered you had mentioned the place just earlier.

“Yes, but they weren’t ever seen together, so it’s hard to say if that’s a connection. It is a popular tourist destination.”

“Right,” Steve mumbled. He stood from his place and gave her a nod. “Have you eaten yet?”

Steve was right. He didn’t see you again for not one, not two, but three more meetings. But when the fourth week came around and he was setting up the chairs in the same familiar circle, he was surprised to look up and see you edging yourself towards the door frame. You looked different.

You looked tired. He could see that in the bags under your eyes, only enhanced by the slight purple tint to them. Your shoulders slumped under the weight of your bag, and your fingers looked strained as you gripped onto the strap to hold it in place. But your eyes are what gave you away. They just didn’t have that same glimmer in them like the last time he saw you, even if then it was slightly dimmed because of your thoughts.

Steve was definitely over analyzing you. But he couldn’t help it, he was still a soldier. Still a leader.

“Need help?” You asked him, setting your bag down on the ground. Steve cleared his mind and nodded a bit.

“Wouldn’t mind it,” he answered. You grabbed a small stack of the metal chairs, and together, working to meet in the middle, you both laid out the chairs. One by one more chairs were added until Steve and you placed ones right beside one another, and silence filled the room. Steve shoved his hands in his pockets and looked you over casually.

“Everything alright?” He asked. You ran your hand over your hair to fix it, but his question made you hesitate. He noticed. But you nodded and offered a fake smile.

“Yeah no everything’s great. Just had a lot going on,” you answered almost mechanically. He could tell you were practicing that answer. But he nodded along, and you seemed to relax a bit. Steve wouldn’t push you just yet.

But you were hiding something. And he wanted to know what that was.

“Right, always the busy body,” Steve said, earning a nod from you. He walked over to the refreshment table and grabbed two water bottles and when he turned back around you had settled into a chair. He walked back over and offered you one. “Here.”

“Thanks,” you said, taking his offering. Steve sat in the chair next to you and sipped at his water while you seemed to down yours in a matter of moments. For someone who said there wasn’t anything going on besides being “busy,” you didn’t seem to hide your thoughts and feelings from being shown through your expressions. You let out a satisfied ah and reclosed the bottle, letting it rest in your lap. Steve wasn’t expecting you to speak, so when your voice filled the room he had to hide his surprise.

“If you knew something was going on, would you try and do everything in your power to stop it? Help in whatever way you could?” You asked. Steve blinked a couple times as you stared at the ground, giving him a chance to look you over again.

“You’re asking the guy who destroyed a building in D.C. and pretty much broke up the Avengers for his childhood best friend,” Steve joked. You finally cracked a smile and looked over to meet his gaze. “But.. I would. I like to think that I have done so every chance I’ve gotten.”

“Even if it put yourself at risk?” You asked hesitantly. Steve’s look fell, he knew his brows probably fell into more of a scowl than he intended.

“Are you in danger?”

“No,” you answered a little too quickly. Steve leaned forward, resting his arms on his legs to get a better look at you. “No really I’m just.. I’m just thinking.”

Before Steve could press any further, more people entered the room. You held his gaze and offered a small smile, but with the addition of all these people you knew he couldn’t press you any further. Steve was quiet that meeting, intervening when necessary because his mind was racing. When it got closer to that hour mark he heard the doors echo down the hall, only gaining his attention and yours. But when no one entered the room they held these meetings in, Steve looked back towards the group and gave his final remarks.

It was like a school bell went off with how fast you got up and went to grab your bag. Steve had to politely move around people to get over to you and reached out to grab your arm. “Hold on wait a second-”

“I really have to go,” you said. Steve looked over your face, only giving him an expressionless look, before he released his grip on you. And then he watched as you disappeared down the hall and out into the sunlight. As another group member came up to him to ask him something he couldn’t help but wonder..

What’s going on with you? And was he going to see you again soon?

[keenerordeath]

Endgame Timelines

(except I don’t cry at the end)

Disclaimer: I have never read the comics, I am basing everything off of what I've seen in the MCU films and fans online that know more about the stones than I do. Add in my limitless optimism and you get this monstrosity!

What would happen if Tony hadn't been the one to snap away Thanos and his army? Would Peter Parker, the only other avenger with a Stark original nanotech suit, be the one to snap instead?

Let me show you what I think would have happened if Tony survived Endgame and Peter Parker saved the universe.

Below the cut:

what could happen to peter parker

how tony fixes everything

how I think the stones should all be returned after endgame

Peter Parker and the Gauntlet

Of course, something to address immediately would be Peter's probability of survival. We've seen Tom Holland's Peter Parker lift a fallen building's debris from himself and swing away afterwards. Since Peter hasn't been shot, or severely impaled, I don't have much of a reference to go by in terms of healing and regeneration, and he's certainly not on par with Deadpool in that department. BUT, I do have reference of Infinity Snaps from the Hulk, Tony, and Thanos himself. Hulk is strong, sure, and isn't all that fazed by radiation, since that was what created him. However, he was easily beaten by Thanos, and was injured just by wearing a gauntlet that held all six stones. The snap completely destroyed his arm. For Thanos, wielding the full gauntlet only caused a surge in energy but his body was intact. The snap itself left his arm injured but not completely immobile. The arm doesn't reach that point until snapping a second time to destroy the stones. To an average human like Tony, the snap cost his life. But we KNOW all this. What we don't know is how it translates to anyone other than these three.

 As a mutant, where does that leave Peter on the spectrum? Does using the stones leave a wound that will never heal, destined to be that way by the rules of the stones? Nothing is for free, right? My theory is that Peter would have a different experience. Do I want to see him in pain? Hell no. While our reality is that Spider-Man must move on in a universe without Tony Stark, I can't help but dream up endings a little more happy. So, what if? What if the one who will recover the easiest from using the stones is our friendly neighborhood Spider-Man?

 I would venture that the kid would be in intensive care under Helen Cho's watch. This woman has worked with super soldiers like Steve Rogers, created the cradle from Avengers: Age of Ultron. The avengers trust her with their lives. Tony wouldn't want anyone else to take care of Peter, because she would be the one to keep him alive. Not to mention, Peter heals quickly. The biggest issue may be understanding his metabolism well enough to administer antibiotics, pain killers, and other nutrients that his body would need to support his mutated healing abilities.

 Peter is in the hospital and Tony needs something to keep himself occupied while waiting for his kid to wake up.

Tony Stark and the Plan to Return the Stones

Anthony Edward Stark is not going to sit on his ass if there is a problem that needs solving. With everyone back besides Vision and Natasha, he's got a team that can execute the return of the stones perfectly. Even one thing out of place and alternate timelines are created.

Tony gets Dr. Strange to rewind time on the compound. It would be great if that could go back to not being rubble, you know?

Then he gets to work, getting the rundown from everyone.

What state were all the stones in when they were taken from the past?

What was Steve doing in 2012 after he left Loki and the others in the tower?

Where did he get the Pym particles from at the base?

When did Clint wake up with the soul stone in his hand?

Where was Natasha's body after she became the sacrifice?

Where did Rhodey and Nebula leave Quill?

Would it be so bad to leave the power stone on Morag now that Thanos cannot reach it there?

Will Gamora of 2014 want to go back to her own time or stay here?

Will Gamora want to stay if they manage to get her back alive from Vormir? Two Gamora's?

Where was the hammer before Thor summoned it?

What do they have to do to get the Aether back into Jane?

 He has a lot of questions, a lot of witnesses and resources, and a need for a distraction.

First thing he needs to do? Get as much information about the stones from Dr. Strange as possible.

any theories involving the actual powers and abilities of the stones are suuuuper yada yada-ed in some places because I have a very basic understanding of biology, atomic composition, time travel, neurological functions, artificial intelligence, etc. - they're flimsy in some places and I'm not sure how to fix that

Can the pocket universe in the Soul stone be accessed? Does it hold only Nat and Gamora's souls? Would they need their bodies to return the souls to? Would it just be easier to collect their bodies from Vormir and turn back time on them, too? Would their souls even be in their bodies anymore, or would they just be husks? Would taking their bodies back to the present create an alternate timeline that prevents their new alternate selves to be able to retrieve Nat or Gamora? Is it important enough to them to screw with another timeline like that? Will they have their bodies restored once they're puled from the stone?

Now, my understanding of the stones stems from the movies and an explanation I came across on Quora while researching the stones.

"To combat [their] weaknesses they all feed into each other and make each other more powerful. Also as a general weakness they will destroy most mortals without the use of a vessel (Infinity gauntlet, Ronan's hammer Etc) The Time stone makes each stone's effects permanent as well as permeate time. The Reality stone makes the others affect the world itself as opposed to just an aspect of the universe. The Power stone's raw power acts as a battery for the rest of them and amplifies their power. The Soul stone gives power over the souls of everyone the user comes across. The Space stone makes the effects of the other stones universe wide. The Mind stone allows the user complete control of the minds of everyone in the universe."

Another tidbit about the Soul stone that I found was this:

"Allows the user to steal, control, manipulate, and alter living and dead souls; as well as animate the motionless. The Soul Gem also acts as a gateway to an idyllic pocket universe. At full potential, when backed by the Power Gem, the Soul Gem grants the user control over all life in the universe."

Can't make an omelet without cracking a few eggs. With the combination of the Power, Time, Space, and Reality stones they get Natasha and Gamora out of the Soul stone. It is a stretch, considering Hulk said he had tried to get Natasha back. I think maybe using the Soul stone puts up a bit of a roadblock. How well can the Soul stone resist the effects of the other stones when it isn't being used, then? Say you use the Space stone to move the women out of the pocket universe? (Maybe it is possible to rebuild or reshape them to how they used to be by using the Space stone, same concept as Thanos changing the Aether to the Reality stone using the Space and Time stones). Using the Reality and Time stones to solidify their existence in that time and space in the universe, they could bend reality to make it so. The Power stone will juice up the other three, surely allowing them to push past boundaries they couldn't on their own. And if it takes a little tinkering with a juiced-up Soul stone to get them both fully restored, then so be it. Whatever it takes to get them back.

Now… vision is an incredibly complicated puzzle to solve. What IS left after the stone is removed? If Shuri had been allowed enough time, what would have changed for Vision? My gut tells me that his best chance lies in the hands of Shuri and Dr. Strange. Vision has just been hooked up to Shuri's tech in Wakanda. Five years later she still has the scans she made, still remembers what she had to do. So Dr. Strange takes them back to right before Thanos' General attacks Shuri and her guard, taking Vision with him. Instead of letting that play through, Strange pauses time, leaving himself and Shuri to find what made Vision tick, remove the stone and see what is left, what they need to substitute in as replacement for the Mind stone. They gather all the information housed in Vision's body. Every piece that came from Jarvis, Stark, Banner, Thor, Ultron, the Mind stone. How can that be recreated to be able to house Vision's memories and consciousness, again? Restoring him to minutes before Thanos took the stone from his head is the end goal. Once Shuri has all the data she needs, they turn back time on Vision, leave him back on the table, and resume time before jumping back to their present. They'll need the cradle again, some more vibranium, some help from Helen Cho and Thor's lightning. Would complete reconstruction and an upload of consciousness work without the stone? Obviously, the flying and the strength and all his other powers from the stone would be gone, but is it really so bad to have a chance at being normal?

They have their lost family back now. But they cannot rest yet. What else do they need the stones for before they can send them back to where they came from?

Can they be used to heal Peter? Have they already weakened themselves from using them so much? Is there anyone else that can wield them and help to restore what was lost after half the population vanished and everything became overwhelming to maintain? The plan for returning them was set, they're left with a lot of time to use the stones for some good. Can Captain Marvel offer more help to others in the universe? Surely, Earth isn't the only place that desperately needed help in the aftermath. I assume she will do what she can, holding more hope than in canon, since losing Tony left most of them… less than motivated to get back into hero-ing.

Danvers did what she needed to with the stones. Time to start their return plan.

All the stones need to be returned to how they looked when they were taken.

Thanos used the Space and Power stones to change the Aether from its weird wiggly form into an actual stone. Great, let's undo that. Should we use the Time stone or the Space and Power stones? Either will work? Dope, done and done, moving on.

The scepter and its case are around the compound somewhere, Vision doesn’t need the stone anymore, let's pack it in there. Same with the weird orb thing Rhodey brought the Power stone back in. Let's get those packed and they'll be ready to go.

Mjolnir: check. Aether: check. Scepter: check. Power Orb: check. Space, Soul, and Time stones: check, check, check. (Dr. Strange will be hanging onto that Time stone until the last mission, though)

Now we know from Avengers: Endgame that each capsule of Pym Particles will give you two jumps. They can go from the present to the past, then the past to the present. After that they have to refuel. With that established, my estimate would be that they would need to use AT LEAST 19 capsules, not accounting for spares in case of an emergency.

So, Hank Pym, mind making those? We need them to fix our time travel mess. Thanks, pal.

Back in Time, Right on Time

Tony doesn't need everyone to make this go smoothly. He can work with a smaller pool of people.

Clint is not going back, not to Vormir, not to anywhere. He will stay in the present with Nat and his family.

His blue meanie, Nebula, is staying with him. He will not subject her to the pain of sharing her network with another Nebula from a different time, not again.

Tony himself will not be leaving. He will be right here, coordinating everything. Some of them will be leaving at the same time. Others have multiple trips they're going to make. No one makes a second jump until they have checked back in with him. They'll restock their suits, get some food and rest, gather the things they need to return, and venture back out.

No Avenger is going to be sent back to a time that will trigger bad memories from their pasts.

Many candidates and teams were dismissed pretty early. They're abilities may have been ideal, but if their personalities did not mix well, Tony could not risk the messes that incompatibility could cause.

 For this to work, the best chance of success for the return of every stone and avoiding any offshoot timelines will require these Avengers: Captain Rogers, Thor, Dr. Strange, The Wasp, Mantis, Scarlet Witch, and Ant-Man. Stay tuned because we're going to need one surprise extra along the way, but more on that later.

To know where to go first, Tony first had to figure out who messed up the worst, and needed the most stones to complete the mission.

 Loki's Vanishing Act

Let's start with Loki taking the Tesseract in NYC 2012. It is essentially a surefire way to change pretty much everything we know about the MCU. So how is Tony going to fix that Royal Whoops? Well, it's not going to be easy. To ensure that Loki and the Tesseract are sent back to Asgard with Thor, Tony will send the Wasp and Ant-Man to keep the Tesseract close to a collapsed Tony Stark and Thor, and away from Loki, Endgame Tony and Scott, and the slimy Alexander Pierce. If anyone besides Thor got the Tesseract then, Tony and Steve would never go to the army base even further in the past. Best not to mess with that.

 Really? Hail Hydra?

Now that Loki is once again in custody of the Avengers, we'll follow Captain America taking the Scepter from NYC in 2012.

(Enjoy the layout of this one, because there's so much to it I don't want to make this into more of a story than a presentation. You'll take all my bullet points and you'll like them, damn it.)

Triggers for alternate timelines:

Tricking Hydra into thinking he was their ally

Prematurely informing his 2012 self of Bucky being alive

Removing the Mind stone from the scepter (this one couldn't really be helped, you're okay Steve)

Conclusion: a seamless return without creating any alternate timelines will be enough to give me a migraine. (Tony probably had one, too, after learning everything Steve said to get his way to the scepter and out of the tower)

 So, how does he plan to fix it? By sending the Wasp, Scarlet Witch, and Mantis.

Elevator Mess

Upon arriving at Stark Tower in NYC 2012, Hope shrinks the scepter, along with Wanda and Mantis. Their job is to follow Steve Rogers and clean up after him.

One "Hail Hydra" later, Hope carries Wanda to where she can erase the memories of all those in the elevator. Captain America is not with Hydra, he never entered that elevator, and he never took the scepter.

Last step here is to take the scepter they've brought and leave it exactly where Cap took the original from.

America's Ass

The reason Cap even had to fight himself is because Loki escaping disrupted the timeline, pulling 2012 Cap from search and rescue and back to the tower to hunt down Loki.

With Loki secured, Wanda has to manipulate 2012 Cap into still believing that Loki got away. After disabling his communications, they send him on his way.

His "I have eyes on Loki," never reaches anyone, and once they've fallen and Steve has knocked 2012 Cap unconscious, Wanda goes about erasing his memory of learning about Bucky. (Does Wanda get a video of "that's America's ass," to make fun of him with later? It's a mystery, truly, we'll never know)

Search and Rescue

They leave after returning 2012 Cap to the ground floor and waking him up (Thanks Mantis, I love you), sending him to resume search and rescue as if nothing had happened.

 Ghosts of the Past

When Tony brings up Vormir, Steve volunteers. He won't let Clint, Banner, or Quill go. He was close to Natasha, spent the last five years with her. He wanted the chance to rid them of the stone that tried to take her from them. He knew that the other three didn't need the pain that would hit them should they see the place where the women they love had almost been lost to them.

What no one accounted for was Steve knowing who had been guiding people to the stone all this time. Facing Red Skull was not what Steve had expected. If it weren't so terrifying to see him again it would be almost comical. But there was nothing here to fix. He'd watched as Clint's craft took off, returning back to the others with the stone and without Nat. He handed the Soul stone off, tapped the device on his wrist twice, and went home.

 Frigga Knows All

Steve doesn't talk about the last mission, so they move on to the next one. Tony sends Wanda and Steve to Asgard with Mjolnir and the Aether. They can't change that Thor told his mother the truth, but they can stop the Asgardians chasing Rocket and erase their memories of the raccoon. Disruption handled, Wanda goes to return the Aether to where it resided inside Jane. A very unfortunate place for it to be, but she knew she couldn't make any changes. So she returned it and left to find Cap, who had found where Thor pulled the hammer from and put it back. Rocket and Thor had gone back, and now Cap and Wanda could, too.

 The God of Mischief

All of the Avengers were familiar with the Tesseract. Turns out it was just a cosmic cube used to contain the power of the Space stone. Interesting twist, for sure. But Thanos crushed the cube, and without it, they couldn't get the Tesseract back to Howard Stark's labs. At least the Pym Particles were a simple mission.

(Buckle up, I'm bringing back the bullet points)

Triggers to alternate timelines:

SHIELD suddenly having the Space stone rather than the Tesseract

Hank Pym losing important pieces of his research

 Army base employee reporting Tony and Steve to bunker security

Conclusion: only the best of the best could twist this situation back to where it needs to be.

Tony's plan went something like this:

Saving a god

Thor and Dr. Strange go to retrieve Loki from the wreckage of the Asgardian ship

They work together to gather all those lost onto a nearby planet.

Once all the Asgardians have been found, Dr. Strange turns back time on the ship and on those gathered, bringing them back.

Using the Time, Space, and Power stones, Dr. Strange opens a portal that takes the Asgardians and their ship to the present in Norway, where the rest of their people reside.

Thor returns to the present, knowing Valkyrie was already in Norway, prepared to receive everyone.

Fooling a King

Dr. Strange keeps Loki with him, being the only one they've known to be able to contain Loki and see through his tricks. Loki doesn't give him any reasons to contain him, though.

An extra quantum realm suit and some Pym Particles given to Loki, and they jump to a time well before Loki had even learned he was the stolen prince of Jotunheim.

Together, they take the Tesseract from Odin's vault and hide it away.

Loki disguises himself as a young Thor and "confesses" to breaking the Tesseract, presenting the Space stone to Odin.

The Space stone is soon contained once again in a cosmic cube, an exact replica of the Tesseract Thanos had crushed, and returned to the vault.

Not wanting to risk anything, they replace the hidden Tesseract, retrieve the repaired cube, and jump back in time once more.

Returning Particles

Dr. Strange opens a portal in the basement of the bunker, watching as Howard Stark and "Howard Potts" leave the room.

The Tesseract is returned to the container Tony took it from and they were quickly through the next portal

Steve Rogers was gone and Hank Pym had yet to return

The capsules of Pym Particles were placed in the empty space left by Cap.

Mission complete, Loki and Dr. Strange returned to the Avengers Compound.

  Can't Really Fix This One

There was one alternate timeline that Tony would never be able to fix, not that he would ever want to. The Thanos from 2014 brought his army and his daughters with him to end the Avengers of the present and take the stones for himself.

But once he and his armies were snapped away, there was no one to return back to 2014. They were gone. Nebula had no idea if Gamora had vanished along with all the others on the ships that brought her to a different time. Well, if they ever run into her, they'll offer her the chance to go back to the time she left, should she wish to return.

All that could really be done was send Wanda and Mantis to put the orb back in the temple, give Quill back his lockpick, toss him in front of the temple and wake him up. Maybe he would run into this Korath guy he mentioned, maybe he won't, considering he was a lackey to Ronan, one of those Thanos used to do his bidding. A Thanos that was no longer there. Either way, Quill wasn't just left for dead. He may never meet Gamora, but he still had other adventures to go on, other people to meet.

 It's Finally Over

The Ancient One was taking down Chitauri before Hulk showed up. Steve would follow her attack patterns and range, because once Hulk showed up to get the stone, she would be distracted, and the Chitauri she would have stopped would continue on into NYC.

After Hulk had left with the Time Stone, Steve immediately approached the Ancient One and handed her the stone. They shared a look of understanding, she turned to rejoin the fight, and Steve left the rooftop to return home for the last time.

and they all lived happily ever after, the end, happy hanukkah, goodnight - Rallow <3

[lovenotesandneonstars]

And That’s Enough.

Wanna hear a secret?

Every writer I've ever known has, at some point, faced a soul-crushing anxiety over whether or not they're really a writer.

"But Topher," you might say, "That's not a secret!"

If I were being clever, I might give you a wink and the slight twitch of my nose that all the wise old men do. But I'm not very clever, I'm not necessarily wise, and I'm not old. So instead, I figured I might tell you about how I learned to solve that crisis for myself. But in order to get there, we have to start at the beginning.

I was a fairly lonely kid, never really had a steady friends' group, and when I was in second grade I started deliberately getting lunch detention so that I could spend my lunch period reading without being harassed by my classmates. I thought it was a genius plan. Well, that, and my second grade teacher (who was also my third grade teacher, yay for small towns!) and I had a personality clash. I would finish my work too fast and start reading from my pocket dictionary (yeah, I was THAT nerd), and would correct him in class. He, in return, would try to find any way possible to punish or humiliate me. It was fun! I loved reading no matter what trouble it got me in, and getting in trouble just gave me more time to read.

Ask any writer you know and they'll tell you that in order to write, you have to enjoy reading. And I was always excited to read (which hasn't changed much as I've grown, I just find less time to be able to read these days. #Adulting, right?) at any chance I got. When I was in 5th grade, I stayed in the truck with no AC and just the window rolled down for 3 hours while my mom went grocery shopping to read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (which took me a whopping 5 hours to finish!). When sixth grade rolled around, I started wanting to try my hand at creating something instead of just consuming it. For a lonely, depressed kid, the world of fiction was the best friend I had.

The first thing I remember writing was House MD fanfiction. It was my favorite show and I started out as any respectable fanfiction writer does: with a Mary Sue self-insert! Eventually, I had a small cult following on the school bus, and found my way to the big leagues of fanfiction.net about a year later. I moved onto another overdone trope: songfics. From there, I kept writing fanfic, even after my mom found it and banned me from it. I just enjoyed writing so much. House MD turned into Harry Potter which turned into Glee. I should also mention the other kind of writing I found as an eleven year old, right after I started writing fanfic: role playing. I stumbled upon a Harry Potter RP one day while trying to find video games for my favorite franchise and, with the help of a kindly more experienced role player, was taught how to RP. I was hooked. Soon, all my free time turned to writing. I was neglecting my video games in favor of blasting my favorite album at any point and writing more and more. And when I wasn't writing, I was reading. Harry Potter, The Princess Diaries, Percy Jackson, whatever I could get my hands on. Middle school was consumed by writing and reading, whether it was the actual series I was into or fanfiction for it.

Then came high school, and my RP site shut down, and my book pile ran out, and I fell into a deeper depression than I had before. I had always loved music, but I got more into it as I couldn't find much to read that I was interested in. But on the bright side, I was making real friends! I wasn't spending my lunch times alone anymore, and I had people to talk to about the fandoms I loved. Writing and reading fell to the wayside as I explored more music and l got back into video games. I was also a theatre kid, and was getting ready to audition for my first high school play. 

Everything changed when my mom passed away on December 5th, 2011, 4 days after her 52nd birthday. My dad made me stay home for a week, and when I came back, all my "friends" refused to talk to me or spend time with me. My depression hit heavier than ever, and I was even lonelier after having had a taste of regular friendship. I spent all my time playing video games and listening to dark, angry music, until June 2012, when I watched a movie called It's Kind of a Funny Story, based on the book by Ned Vizzini while I was sick. It instantly felt like I needed the book in my life, and my dad, thrilled to see me wanting to read again, let me order the book. I fell in love, and to this day, over 8 years later, it's still my favorite book. Soon after, my love of writing came back and hit me and I got back into role playing. I had a role model to look up to who wrote something so relatable to me that it hurt so good, and the video games took a back burner. I was inventing people left and right to see what kind of trouble I could get them into.

My world came screeching to another halt when my newfound role model took his own life on December 19th, 2013. This time, though, instead of backing off from the role playing, I dove deeper into it. I found new friends on the internet and kept making new people. Not long after that, I came out as transgender, and used writing to cope with my dysphoria and strained relationship with my family. Every waking minute I was either role playing or thinking about role playing. I snuck on my phone in class to write replies when the teacher wasn't looking. I wrote replies in my notebook to type up when I got home. I went from short, 3-sentence replies to hundreds of words at a time.

Then, in May 2015, I graduated high school, and I was off to college as a psych major! In the time between, I had graduated to running RP sites as well, and I was constantly writing. My summer was filled with writing, and once I made it to college, I got back into fanfiction, this time on Archive of Our Own. AO3 seemed far more professionally laid out, and it had more freedom of what could be posted. I started writing band fanfiction. I made friends through my fanfiction, now, in addition to RP. It was where I would retreat when homework was too boring or my classes were too much. In November 2015, I participated in my first National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). I instantly found the community I was meant to be in and made many friends that I would come to consider family. Ny first NaNo I came in just shy of 13,000 words on a band fic. I couldn't believe I had managed all that in one month with being a college freshman, starting a new job, and continuing to work on my role playing! Things were great! For the next year, my life was nothing short of amazing. I got a summer job on campus, went to my first Pride, and made more friends. 

Once again, my life came to a screeching halt on November 2, 2016. Remember how I mentioned I'd always struggled with mental health issues? Well, I ended up in the hospital for just over 21 hours for suicidal intent. This was pretty much the darkest moment and a turning point in my life. It was also kind of ironic, because my favorite book had to do with much the same thing. After getting out, I dove back into NaNoWriMo for the second time, still working on band fic, and this time, ended up just short of 20,000 words. I was doing more, and using it to take away the anxiety I was feeling in my classes. I was hating my major, and the RPs I was in were falling through, but I had a project to work on. For the first time, I kept working on the project after NaNo was over. Things were good again, and over the summer, I made the decision to change my major from Psychology to Creative Writing, but ultimately had to wait one more term because I was already signed up for classes.

I completed my third NaNoWriMo in 2017 with fewer words than the previous year. But I was committed. I had helped start a Discord for my home region for NaNo and was now spending almost full-time hours volunteering for my region. I finished my last semester as a Psych major and then I made my way home for the holidays, where I continued to write, diving back into fanfic for TV shows and now adding Youtubers to the mix. When I returned to school at the beginning of 2018, I started my new life in all my English classes, including my first writers' workshop, and I fell in love. I was still writing fanfiction, though, while others were writing original fiction, and all that I could think was that I HAD to be a fraud. How could I be a real writer if I was just writing fanfiction for my classes? It was frustrating to think that I was stuck writing something that most people saw as mindless drivel, or even ripoffs of the works and lives of others. After my first term of creative writing, I took some time off from my fiction class, and used that to take a break from anything that wasn't RP.

Fall 2018 brought with it many challenges. For one, my college converted to the semester system, and having to confront a new length of term was difficult. It also brought around an intermediate fiction course for me, as well as a creative nonfiction course. Here, I found something I enjoyed: I was able to write about my own life, instead of the lives of band members. After a while, I got to know the band members, which completely killed my desire to write band fic. Life seemed a lot easier without that urge, and I started writing original fiction. In November 2018, for the first time, I wrote original fiction for my 4th NaNoWriMo, and my word count grew, once more, to just under 22,500 words. It was progress, and I felt great. I finally knew how to work on something original on my own.

Spring 2019 was even harder than I had faced before: I had received the news that I was not getting financial aid, and would not be able to return to school the next year. I was devastated, and determined not to have to return to my dad's house for the following year, back to the small town where I had no prospects. I scrambled to find a job, but nothing worked out, and for the next seven months, I jumped from living situation to living situation, relying on my friends to keep me alive and ending up in a tightly packed studio apartment with 2 friends and their 3 cats.

One of these 7 months was my 5th NaNoWriMo and my second attempt at original fiction, this time trying to use a character I had been RPing with for some 6 years at the time. I started using new writing tools, like 4TheWords, and threw myself into NaNo, using it to deal with the frustrations of everyday life. This was the first time I came so far: 28,611 words! And still... My project stalled out. As a major pantser, I had gone into the project with one developed character, one who only had a name and profession, and the plotline "They fall in love". It was freeing, to have something new to work on that I had no idea where I was headed and that I had someone brand new to create. All this was helping me adjust to the new job I found in September, a job I found myself absolutely loving. It was the best time in the world, all I could ask for. I found a new RP site and made more friends. Come December 31st, I found a new place to live, and was finally living on my own.

Then, my writing on that novel stalled out. I couldn't figure out where to go, or what to do with my characters, and so I dove back into role playing. It was all I could do, really, to keep myself occupied when I wasn't working. Things were looking up: I found out I was returning to school in fall; I loved my job; my roommate and I got along well. And then, things fell apart again, to the point where I had to stay somewhere else for over a month while there were construction issues on my apartment. I was depressed, but RP and writing kept me going. Finally, things settled down, and life seemed well again.

That is, until halfway through March, when COVID-19 ended up basically destroying the world I lived in. I lost my job (live performances during a pandemic are a no-no) and had to move back in with my dad, and, well, here we are. 4 months post job loss, I'm trying to get ready for all online classes, and trying to cope with moving back to the town that I couch surfed to avoid. It's been hard, and writing hasn't come easily. I haven't been able to really focus on anything other than role playing until now, and I still find myself questioning whether I'm REALLY a writer every time I realize that this essay or my RP is the only writing I've done in months. After all, how can I claim to be really dedicated to NaNoWriMo or even my writing in general if I can never finish a project? It's been almost impossible for me to do so in the past. All I've been able to do is come up with yet another idea that I've yet to attempt to actually write, and that has no real plot, and that I'll (probably) never finish, either?

Then I think of why I started to write this. I needed to have some writing to show some people I want to impress, and I started angsting over whether or not I'm actually a writer, and if I'm really cut out for this. And the fact that there are over 2500 words more on the page than there were when I started means that, in spite of all my anxieties, I am a writer. All these words I've put out into the world the last several years would never have come into the world the way I've decided to use them if I wasn't a writer. Even now, as I sit here writing this post, for something that I truly love, I'm reminded that I'm not a writer because I follow XYZ formula, or because I plan things meticulously, or because I have some famous novel out there. I'm a writer because I write. And that's enough.

[danrifics]

Not The First Time

Some of the times Dan almost asks Phil to marry him and the one time he actually does.

Read on AO3

2019 - Las Vegas

Phil stretches his arm out over the bed, disappointment falls across him when he realises the space where Dan had been sleeping previously was empty. He reaches to the bedside table and grabs his glasses. The blurry room becomes crystal clear, the Vegas hotel room was dark but outside the casino lights presented a gentle glow around the edge of the room. The balcony door was open, a cool breeze blowing through. Phil climbed out of bed and headed for the open door. Dan stood, leaning against the glass railing, looking out over the city.

“Is everything okay?” Phil asked

 Dan turned around sightly to look at Phil, he smiled and stretched out his hand. Phil took it and stepped closer to the railing.

“Do you remember when we came here for my 21st birthday?” Dan asked, ignoring Phil’s question.

“Not really” They both laugh “well… actually I do remember you drunkenly asking me to marry you”

They look at each other for a moment, they remember it well…

2012 - Las Vegas

They’re not sure how they made it back to the hotel room, they’re also not sure how much they’ve had to drink. Dan has the vlogging camera out and he’s filming himself raiding the mini bar. 

“They’ve got Vodka, I need coke though” Dan gets up and almost falls back down but once he’s semi-stable he looks around the room for any sign of a mixer for his drink. He looks into the camera for a moment. “When you can’t find coke you just gotta drink vodka straight” 

“You can’t do anything straight” Phil shouts from behind him.

Dan looks into the camera and then turns to look at Phil.

“Neither can you” Dan says, his voice is a mix of endearment but also a hint of annoyance “gonna have to delete this video now, thanks”

He turns the camera off and puts it down, he then grabs the vodka and drinks it from the bottle. Phil takes it from him and puts it down on the bedside cabinet before he heads out onto the balcony. Dan follows. 

They stand in the middle of the balcony. Dan pulls Phil towards him, resting their foreheads together. They stand like that for a while before Dan finally speaks.

“We should get married” He says, he’s drunk but he’s serious and Phil can tell “we should get married... here... tomorrow”

“We’d have to tell everyone”

“No. we don’t have to tell anyone” Dan says bluntly.

“Dan… we can’t get married and not tell anyone” Phil says.

He wants nothing more than to say yes, he wants to marry Dan, more than anything, they’re… soulmates… Phil has never met anyone like Dan, his smart. Beautiful. Honest. Dan, he knows at this moment in time they can’t get married. Dan still doesn’t want people to know he’s gay, he’s not ready for his family to know and he’s not ready for the world to know. If they got married it would be public, Phil’s never cared about who knows about his sexuality but for Dan’s sake he’s always kept it hidden.

Dan moves away from Phil and leans against the balcony railing. He looks out over the city. Phil sighs and moves to stand next to Dan. Dan turns slightly so he has his back to Phil.

“Dan look at me, please” Phil puts a hand on Dan’s shoulder but is met with a shrug “I love you but you’re not ready for this y-”

“I am ready. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my whole life. And look I know it’s technically a civil partnership but we can do it now and then when they legalise same sex marriage we can have a proper wedding with all our family and friends.” 

Phil pulls Dan in close to him, he places a gentle kiss to his lips and leans their foreheads back together. Dan sighs, he knows they can’t get married yet and maybe he is just too drunk to think and in the morning he’ll realise how dumb all of this is. He loves Phil and Phil loves him, they don’t need to be married to show that.

2019 - Las Vegas

“It wasn’t the only time that I've thought about it” Dan says, he smiles. “Y’know marrying you.”

He takes Phil’s hand. Phil wonders if he’s going to ask him now, just how he had all those years ago, on a balcony just like this. They’re ready now. If Dan asks, he knows what he’ll say.

“I wanted to ask you in 2014, after they legalised same-sex marriage in the UK, but i didnt” Dan looks down at the ground “and then i almost asked you in 2015 when we went to Japan and last year during the tour”

There’s a sad look in Dan’s eyes. The thought of all his failed attempts and harsh words in his head telling him he shouldn’t weighed him down. There were so many times he could have asked...

2014 - London

Dan sits in the usual place on the sofa, his laptop on his lap, a cup of coffee on the arm rest. Phil’s in his bedroom (well his bedroom set) filming a video. Dan’s not sure what it’s about but he knows when it comes to editing Phil will make him watch it and give opinions. Dan’s scrolling through tumblr when he sees it:

GUYS!!! The UK just legalised same-sex marriage!!

Congrats to all the gays in the uk who can get married now!

Gay Marriage has become legal in the UK glad to see more countries getting with the times!

Dan immediately turns on the TV to BBC News, there’s a reporter talking about how historic this is for the country.

“Phil come here!” Dan shouts

“I’m trying to film, Dan!” He shouts back

“I don’t care! Come here!” Dan’s attention is still on the TV

Phil comes into the room, Dan doesn’t look at him. He just points towards the TV. Phil doesn’t say a word, he just sits down next to Dan, a huge smile on his face. The reporter is talking to a couple now, they’re saying how they were getting married in a few weeks and it was likely they would be the first gay couple to get married, not a civil partnership but actually married! They were going to have the same rights as a straight couple. Dan looks over at Phil finally, his eyes are glued to the TV. 

Dan wants to get up right now, and ask Phil the question, he’s been thinking about it for a while now, but knowing they could actually get married in a legal sense, he wants that. He can’t do it now though. He wants to do it properly, he wants to ask Kath and Nigel for their permission, he needs to get a ring, he… he needs to come out. He needs to come to terms with being… gay. It’s a word that he hates, he hates describing himself as that, he doesn’t want to be that and asking Phil to marry him… That’s pretty gay… so he pushes the thought of marriage out of his mind, again. He hates that he feels this way. He loves Phil and he doesn’t understand why his brain says it’s okay to be with Phil but it’s not okay to say he’s gay? He tells himself it’s different, Phil is his best friend, but it’s more than that. He doesn’t even think the term ‘romantically involved’ fits what he and Phil are. They’re Dan and Phil, soulmates, companions, partners for life. What he and Phil have, it’s special, it’s real, it’s just them. They don’t need to be married to be committed to each other, and they don’t need to world to know what they are either.

He tells himself they don’t need to get married over and over again, that he doesn’t want that… he’s lying.

2015 - Tokyo

Yesterday was all about filming their day in the life video but today Dan had other plans. Phil was in the shower and Dan was looking through his own suitcase, he pulls out a roll of socks and unravels them to reveal a box, he looks over his shoulder to make sure he’s alone and then opens the box up. He looks at the ring inside. He’d bought it a few weeks ago in London, hid it in so many different places and then somehow managed to get it to another country without Phil finding it. Dan had told Phil they were going to a park called Koishikawa Korakuen so he could take photos. It was a  beautiful place and the perfect place to propose, he’d seen all these pictures of the beautiful gardens on instagram and he knew that this was the place, Japan was such a special place for the both of them and he knew how perfect it would be if they were to get engaged here. The shower turns off and Dan shoves the box into his jacket pocket. He thinks he’s ready this time.

*

The park is beautiful and Dan now has to decide where he wants to actually do the proposal, he’s not even sure what he wants to say yet. They walk around for an hour just taking photos and talking and then Dan sees the perfect spot, it’s a small stone path surrounded by trees and a pond. Dan takes a deep breath.

“Lets go over here” Dan says already walking ahead of Phil.

Phil follows until they stop in the middle of the path, they’re facing each other. Dan looks into Phil’s eyes, he loves Phil’s eyes, they’re a  beautiful shade of Blue mixed with green and yellow, the best eyes i’ve ever seen.

“Phil I-” 

“Oh my God!” A voice squeals from behind them “Dan and Phil!?”

Dan turns around, he wants to be annoyed but the voice belongs to a young fan who obviously has no idea she’s ruining a big moment. She looks around 15, from her accent he assumes she’s American.

“It’s really you, oh my God, I watch all your videos like all the time, i love you guys!” 

Phil steps forward, he has a huge smile. Dan’s confused for a moment and then remembers Phil has no idea a moment was ruined either. Phil starts talking to the girl. Dan puts his hand in his pocket and holds the ring box. This is a sign, he knows it. It’s another thing getting in the way of his happiness. He should be used to it by now, but it really fucking hurts. He’s not sure he’ll ever be able to do this. He should just return the ring and forget this ever happened before…Phil’s voice snaps him away from his thoughts

“Dan, you have the longest arm you take the selfie” He says.

Dan smiles and takes the girls phone, he hopes he doesn’t look like he’s faking it. He’s not in the mood to read comments pointing out his face when the girl inevitably posts the photo all over social media.

Dan knows there’s still time this trip to propose, but now all he can think of is how if that fan had come a few moments later she would have seen the proposal and then it would be everywhere, he realises once again that he’s not ready for the world to know. He’s having a panic attack now but Phil is still talking to the fan. 

“Phil?” Dan asks catching Phil’s attention “Remember we’re meeting some friends in 20 minutes”

It’s a lie, but he can’t stand here any longer, he doesn’t want the fan to think he’s an asshole so lying is easier than just leaving. Phil understands what Dan means, whenever either of them think they’re having some kind of anxiety attack in public they always use the same excuse, like a code.

“Oh, you’re busy, of course. I’m sorry for bothering you” The girl is too cheerful, thankfully she doesn’t realise they’re trying to get rid of her.

*

Dan returns the ring a few days after they get home. The lady in the store asks why. He could lie and say it didn’t fit but he doesn’t.

“It wasn’t the right time” He sighs “not sure it ever will be.”

The lady gives him a sad look and that she’s sorry that it didn’t work out. 

Dan cries in the Taxi back to their apartment, He’s sorry too.

2018 - London

Dan sits in bed. He stares intently at his laptop screen. it’s 3am, Phil is asleep next to him, he’s facing away from Dan. 

You are valid. It gets so much better. And the future is clear. It’s pretty queer!

He reads the last lines in his word document over and over, everything is suddenly feeling like it’s falling into place. It took him 27 years to get to a point of acceptance, a place where he’s finally comfortable being queer… Gay. He’s gay. He remembers how over the last few years he’s become more comfortable with his sexuality, he stopped trying to hide as much and he knows the audience picked up on it. He scrolls back to the top of his script, he wants to get up now and film it and put it out but he knows he can’t right now, but this time it’s not because he’s scared. He and Phil are about to start a huge tour. Coming out is going to change everything but they can’t have any distractions now. The tour is big and important, this can wait.

Phil turns over, Dan looks over at him as his eyes open.

“You’re still awake?” He mumbles

“I finished it” Dan says, turning the screen slightly “over 25 pages”

Phil sits up and grabs his glasses from the bedside table.

 “Can i read it?” He asks leaning his head against Dan’s shoulder.

“Not the whole thing, there’s one part I want you to hear though” Dan turns his head, his eyes meeting Phil’s. “If you don’t want me to say it, I'll take it out

Dan scrolls about half way through, Phil sees his name written within a paragraph.Dan begins to read.

“Obviously we were more than friends, but it was more than just romantic. This is someone who genuinely liked me. I trusted them. And for the first time since I was a tiny child I actually felt safe” Dan pauses to look at Phil, he doesn’t read the next part off the screen, he tells Phil from memory “We are real best friends. Companions through life. Actual soulmates.”

Phil doesn’t say anything, he places his hand gently on Dan’s cheek and kisses him softly. Dan knows this is Phil’s way of saying yes, he can include this in the video. Dan puts his laptop down.

“I love you, so much, Phil”

“I love you, Dan, so so much”

They fall asleep wrapped up in each other, with smiles on their faces. Dan’s ready now. Next time he asks Phil to marry him, he knows he’s actually going to go through with it.

2019 - Las Vegas

Dan takes a deep breath. It’s now or never, he knows that. He’s thought about this moment for almost 7 years now. He doesn’t have a ring or a plan but he knows that right now on this balcony is where he’s going to ask Phil to marry him.

“I’ve wanted to ask you this for like, 7 years” He begins “but every time I tried to ask I chickened out because I wasn’t ready to admit who I really was. Over the last 2 years I’ve started to feel more comfortable with other people knowing about me, i’ve always been comfortable around you, but other people knowing has always been a huge deal. Um…”

Dan wipes a tear away from his eye. He looks Phil in the eyes. Phil is smiling at him.

“You are the love of my life” He continues “and now that everything's out in the open and we don’t have to hide anymore, I know I’m finally ready for this, there’s no voice in the back of my head telling me no. So…”

Dan gets down on one knee and takes Phil’s hands.

“Phil Lester” He takes a deep breath “Will you marry me?”

He sees the tears in Phil’s eyes. Phil nods.

“Of course I will, Dan”

Dan jumps up and pulls Phil into a tight hug. They kiss for a while before Dan pulls away, laughing.

“This is ridiculous, we just got engaged on a balcony in Vegas while in our pajamas, I don’t even have ring for you”

Phil starts to laugh too. “This is perfect, this is the most us proposal you could have ever done, we can go out in the afternoon and get a ring”

“Or… we could go out in the afternoon and just get married?” 

“We could.”

*

4:00PM Thurs 18 Jul

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It’s a photo of 2 hands, one belonging to Dan and the other Phil. They have wedding bands on their fingers. The caption reads: AcTuAl SoULmATeS @ AmazingPhil

4:05PM Thurs 18 Jul

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It’s a 2 photos, the first being a poor quality screenshot from the first Phil is not on fire, the second photo is of Phil kissing Dan on the cheek, Dan is holding his hand up to show off the wedding ring on his finger.

-

[gigglyirwin]

Memories of You

Pairing: Luke x Reader

Word Count: ~2.2K

Warnings: angst, fluff, more angst, swearing

Prompt: Snow

Summary: The winters with Luke always held such great memories. Unfortunately, no one ever told you they had to end. Could you ever bring them back?

This is day 6 of 25 Days of Christmas. Check out the masterlist HERE!

Luke Hemmings was an asshole. And yet, his name was plastered on every billboard in a hundred-mile radius and his face was all you ever saw whenever you walked into any big-box store. His music filled the radio and his performances were projected on every tv screen. He was still very present in your life no matter how hard you tried to get rid of him.

It wasn’t that you didn’t like Luke. You were in love with him and that was the problem. Luke showed up in the winter of his 16th year and stumbled right into the music shop your dad had owned. It just so happened that you were helping him out that day. You only approached him because he looked a little lost, but you were wrong. Luke talked your ear off about guitars and music for what had to have been like hours. He even pulled up a chair and played you a few of his bands songs. He was so intelligent for such a young age and you admired his strive towards the goal of becoming a rock star one day.

Luke came into the shop every single day for a month after that and finally asked you if you’d go on a date with him.

He took you to a movie and you walked down the streets of London, hands laced together as snow fell all around you. Luke couldn’t drive yet, so he had arranged for his bandmate to pick you two up after the movie to take you home. The older boy played chauffeur well but teased Luke constantly about the date until Luke’s cheeks and ears turned red and he was begging for Ashton to shut up.

You had your first kiss that night. You and Luke stood on your doorstep, the snow making the moment a picture perfect memory. A memory that you wanted to claw out of your brain and discard into a blender after Luke started touring with One Direction and one day stopped texting you back.

He and his band played many shows in London. You only went to the first one when you were still on speaking terms and had an in to the backstage hang out area. When he returned again, you didn’t even bother looking at tickets or striking up a conversation to see if you were still friends. You partially hoped he had deleted your contact and forgotten about you, choosing to move on rather than replay every waking moment you had spent together. You also wished he’d come knocking at your door and kiss you again like he did the first time.

But that only happens in the movies.

Not that you were keeping up with Luke, but you knew his band was going to be here next month. And, not by choice, you had heard some of his new music. And, okay, maybe you had looked him up on the internet and seen that he had become a very talented and very good looking young man. And maybe you weren’t over him, or the memories of the winters with him. Maybe for the last four years, you’d watched the snow fall and remember holding Luke’s cold hand. And you’d remember his lips on your cheek and the two of you puffing out hard breaths and letting the other know you could see your breath in the freezing air. You’d remember dusting the snow off his shoulders and hat and watching him toe off his boots when he came in to meet your parents and making snow angels with him in your front yard that just turned out to be a mess of limbs when he climbed over you and kissed you hard.

It snowed the day they arrived and you don’t know why but you bought a ticket to the show, way far in the back and off to the side but a ticket nonetheless and you carefully chose your outfit and did your makeup and somehow hoped fate would bring you two back together. You were older now, and maybe better at handling the distance. You weren’t looking for love, just for a reconnection.

It was still snowing when you walked from your car to the arena they were playing at and you wished you had worn something a little warmer or at least had grabbed a jacket on your way out. You hardly paid any attention to the opening act, they sounded great and the audience was going crazy for them, but your mind wandered to thoughts of Luke and you thumbed through all the old pictures of the two of you. You hadn’t realized you were a sniffling mess until the girl next to you nudged your shoulder. “That song always makes me cry too, don’t feel bad,” she spoke as you dried your tears on the back of your hand, trying not to ruin the makeup you were wearing.

“You look good!” The girl assured.

“Thank you. You do as well,” you complimented, turning your attention back to the stage and realized they had begun cleaning up from the last act and were now prepping the stage for Luke’s band.

“How long have you been into 5 Seconds of Summer?”

“Since 2012,” you recalled. She complimented you on being a fan for so long saying she joined in 2014. You were glad you knew some things about the band and were able to answer her questions. She was an Ashton girl. She was here with her brother who was staying back in the hotel, but she told you they were planning on wandering the streets in hopes of meeting the band. She invited you, and you hesitantly agreed.

--

You really weren’t expecting anything from exploring. You knew these streets like the back of your hand and it wasn’t hard to figure out where the boys were staying. It seemed many of fans had the same idea, crowding the area outside the hotel and waiting for a bus or a van or something to show up. Your new friend, Alaina, had talked your ear off about her memories of 5sos, and you shared some of your own--the less personal ones at least.

Michael was the first one to come down and greet fans. They must’ve rushed to the hotel or went in a back way or something because he came out the front doors as if he’d been in his room the whole time. He looked so grown up. His hair was a silvery brown color and long. He had a hat over it and was bundled up to fight the cold weather. He even had a girlfriend who was very much his type.

You offered to take a picture of Alaina and Michael and she smiled so big. Michael put on a smile too and you saw the moment his brain clicked. He knew you. Even after all these years he still recognized you.

The hug was hesitant and he didn’t ask questions, just thanked you for coming out and told you it was good to see you. Alaina took a picture of you and him, not that you wanted one but she had no idea just how well you knew the band.

Ashton and Calum had joined the party and you made sure to take a whole video of Alaina and Ashton, complimenting his performance to get a smile out of him. Alaina thanked you religiously after that.

And then it was Luke’s turn. Some fans had left but most were still there. You wondered if it was too late to tell your new friend that you had somewhere to be and just dip. Seeing the rest of the band wasn’t hard and it didn’t hurt as much as you thought it would, but seeing Luke… that was another story.

“Don’t be nervous!” Alaina said and she placed her hand on your shoulder. “I’ve always heard he’s one of the sweetest. Don’t be intimidated.”

“Y-Yeah,” you stuttered and then laughed. “You should get a picture with him first.”

“Are you sure? I want you to have enough time with him since he’s your favorite and I’m okay with waiting.”

“I’m sure! It’ll make me feel better if you approach him first.” You both laughed.

Luke practically stopped in his tracks when he turned to see you. You shoved Alaina forward a bit and she crashed into him, apologizing quickly and stirring Luke from his trance. He smiled for the picture, gave her a hug and then moved over to you.

“What’s your name?” He asked. He already knew. There was really no reason for you to say it but you did. Hugging him was like you never went a day without it. It felt just like when you were 16. So familiar. So warm against the cold that enclosed you both. It was like home.

Alaina took a picture Luke hugged you once more. “Stay,” he whispered. Butterflies erupted in your stomach and you nodded.

You swallowed down the lump in your throat. “Thank you.”

“Of course,” he cleared his throat, giving you and Alaina a small wave as he moved onto another fan, but not without checking back at you twice.

You and Alaina parted ways. You lied and said your car was parked just down the street but you’d text her when you made it there safely. She thanked you for taking the pictures and videos and hoped you two would stay in touch. You thanked her as well and agreed before walking down the street, past Luke who was still conversing with fans.

You only rounded the corner before you stopped, waiting and listening for the commotion to settle down. You had planned on walking back, hoping Luke was still there. He beat you to it, startling you when he came around the corner.

“I thought you left.” His accent was gone or at least hiding behind the LA twang. Guess four years away would do that to you.

“What happened to your accent?” You kicked yourself for making that the first thing you said to him. But you didn’t know what else to say. You didn’t want to tell him you missed him, or still thought about him, or looked at the snow and had flashbacks of the winter you spent together.

“When you move to LA so young… just happened,” he shrugged. “You know I’m sorry.”

“I don’t need you to apologize.”

“I should’ve tried harder.”

“So should’ve I.”

“Can you just let me take the blame for this?” Luke sighed and you shook your head, biting back a smile. He laughed, a sound you had missed so much. “Walk with me?”

Flashbacks of walking through the neighborhood of him clouded your mind as you followed him. He turned to look at you with another smile, hands shoved into his coat pocket as flurries of snow covered his curls. The memory of 16-year-old Luke with snowflakes in his fringe came back and you smiled too. Luke reached his hand back and you grabbed it, hurrying forward to walk alongside him now. He chatted about the last four years of his life and about the tour with One Direction, their first headlining tour, their two albums and the third that was on the way and everything you had missed, yet kept up with on social media. And then it was Luke’s turn to question you.

“What made you see us tonight?”

“The snow.”

“The snow?” He chuckled, glancing up at the still falling flakes.

“Snow was always our thing. Thought maybe it was a sign.”

“I’m glad you came. And I’m glad you made a friend who dragged you out to meet us,” he laughed.

A few more steps turned into a walk around the block and as the night got colder and the snow grew heavier you knew you needed to get back to your car and back home for the night. Luke offered to walk you there, your conversation still blooming, as if he had never left at all. Not until...

“You know I have to go back to LA, right?” Luke asked as he kicked around the snow that had piled up on the ground. You had been parked in a crowded, but they all seemed to have cleared out, thankfully making it easier for you to get out.

“I know.” You tried to keep the hurt out of your voice, knowing the tour was still going on and there was no way Luke was going to drop his life for you. “I wasn’t looking for you to fall in love with me again, Luke. I just wanted to know if I was still a part of your life.”

“You always will be. You hold all my favorite winter memories and memories of living here in general.”

“It was good to see you again.”

Luke took a step closer. “Keep in touch.”

“I’m not the one who stopped texting back,” you reminded, smirking up at him as he backed you against the door of your car.

“I’m not going to make that mistake twice.”

His lips barely brushed yours and you were on fire. Every nerve in your body enlightened, your fingertips tingled and your head spun. The spark was still present to this day. If only it wasn’t goodbye.

Tags: @irwinkitten @buckinghamshire-girl @calumspeachy @you-of-ghost @bumblebet20 @tommyswolves @softboycal @sincerelycalum @cal-pal-cuddles @naivelystan @elliejdavis @zuni181336 @rachaeljayne15 @satan-i-guess @jane-ofalltrades @prwciousporter @melliandme @moonlightxdancing @bigdirtycliffo @lonelyclownclub @cashton-queen @hemmomfg @whydoistilllovethisband @itjustkindahappenedreally @canterburyfiction @abitloudforanaccousticset @drummerboy794 @geek-gurl24 @Chubawupwub @asht0ns-world @hugs2forever @xx-cuddlemecalum-xx @blue-skies-are-alright @saintcalums @disasterhood @calumsgirlcrush @smrttrtl @lashtonchesthair @cocktail-calum @sgfgclifford @britnicole11 @cuddlycutecalum @zuzuismyname @cal-puddies @fallin-all-in-mendes @nothingliketheraintimestwo @crownedbycalum @abitmorepersonall @stone-cold-nerd97 @5saucewho @kaxseychill @kend-of-a-big-deal @katiaw2 @loserlowlife @kieranotkira @empty--wallets @lilacsos @5-sos-babe @jpgluke @yngbldss @cambvd @lovely-melissaaa @littlebear1353 @squidney-c @mysticalhood @nostalgia-luke @calumamongmen  @tequila-clifford @cashtonsicetea @Ngl_stfu @ohhmuke @calistheloml @lukesbellas @hoe4hemmo @therainydays4 @rosaliechen @gloss-glass-ash @calumvertigo @kenopsia-falcon @dancingonanemptywallet @lukescherrypie @rosesfromcth @balsamichood @rosesforash

[tslyricx]

12. SAD BEAUTIFUL TRAGIC

Taylor originally wrote this song on a ukulele on her tour bus after a show of the Speak Now Tour, reflecting on a relationship that was “sad, beautiful and tragic.”

At the start of the song, she details the story of a broken heart, thinking what she could have done right and why she’s ended up in this situation: “ Long handwritten note, deep in your pocket Words, how little they mean, when you’re a little too late I stood right by the tracks, your face in a locket Good girls, hopeful they’ll be and long they will wait” The note may be a literal or metaphorical reference to an apology her ex tries to make to her. The “deep in your pocket” lyric is telling, as it indicates the fact that the letter has probably been in his pocket for a while. As such, the apology comes far too late and Taylor has waited too long for it. Good girls tend to be thought of as naive, and here she points out that they fall in love easily and often, and still long for love when love has been lost. 

In the second verse describes that the only time Taylor sees him anymore is in her wildest dreams. Now that they have broken up, they never wake up next to each other. They are both met with an empty spot on their bed. They are also far away from each other, adding to the loneliness captured in these lines: “ In dreams, I meet you in warm conversation We both wake in lonely beds, different cities” Note the contrast on warm/lonely beds; a double bed is cold with only one person sleeping in it. Also, no matter how long she waits to escape the heartbreak, she can’t seem to get over what happened: “And time is taking its sweet time erasing you”

Something really interesting in this song is that in the bridge of it, Taylor details the cycle of a relationship’s downfall: “ Distance, timing, breakdown, fighting Silence, the train runs off its tracks Kiss me, try to fix it, could you just try to listen?” Below we have an image which explains what she meant with these lyrics:

The external factors like “distance” and “timing” put pressure on the relationship. These external pressures lead to internal pressures of “breakdown” and “fighting”. The “silence” is indicative of the stagnation period in the relationship. The train running off the tracks ties into the earlier image of her at the train tracks which represents a state of hopefulness. Here the train off the tracks symbolizes the end of the relationship. Taylor also reflects on this in the Red album prologue where she says: “And there’s something to be learned from waiting all day for a train that’s never coming.” This also ties into the hidden message for the song, which is “while you were on a train”. She waits for him, but the train never arrives which seems to point that he was never really ready for the relationship in the way that Taylor was.

What have Taylor said about the song?

She explained the meaning of the song to Billboard: “‘Sad Beautiful Tragic’ is really close to my heart. I remember it was after a show and I was on the bus thinking about this relationship that ended months and months before. The feeling wasn’t sadness and anger or those things anymore. It was wistful loss. And so I just got my guitar and I hit on the fact that I was thinking in terms of rhyming; I rhymed magic with tragic, changed a few things and ended it with what a sad beautiful tragic love affair. I wanted to tell the story in terms of a cloudy recollection of what went wrong. It’s kind of the murky gray, looking back on something you can’t change or get back.”

Favorite lyrics: The whole song.

Album: Red released on October 22, 2012.

Witten by: Taylor Swift. 

Hidden message: While you were on a train.

Picture: Photo from the Red booklet.

Source: https://genius.com/Taylor-swift-sad-beautiful-tragic-lyrics

[gaudeixcc]

Peleton News – Big tour a comin’

2018 was a year of pretty significant change for me.

I’ve left the comfort of the stationary cupboard and placed a foot in the direction of contracting. Good in many ways, variety of work, change of scene etc.. but non-the-less a little unnerving with its potential short-term nature. Still, one renewal down and all seems well.

Moley too has joined the same club. After years in comfortable bliss in the same old pair of shoes (so to speak), our chirpy pink cap potential has also embraced the new ‘gig economy’. We even share the same accountant and both now sound as wise as Clemo in the ‘tax efficient’ expense logging game.

We both now join the herd on the morning schlepp to London Bridge. The downside of this particular arrangements (for both Moley and I) is that time is increasingly pressed. I leave the house around 6am and am not back normally to gone 7. I think Moley may operate similar parameters.

I don’t think I’ve ever had a year where so many of my waking minutes have been occupied with doing stuff of one form or another. What I could often do with more than anything else is a bloody good sit down.

So, what of 2019. Well, my big goal is to smash last year’s woeful tour performance.

In Malaga I was fat (I’m guessing somewhere north of 92-93kg).. I had done little road riding (I think I may have troubled a road ride once before 2018’s unusually early tour).  And whilst a trainer road regime meant I could complete the test without bonking, I did struggle.

Even though I was a bit shit, I still put a shift in. The day Drip beat me to the water fountain (a mid-point on that particular ride) was the day I put myself well and truly in to the red. It’s a dark place to be when emptying the tank to the extent of then needing to actually lie down to recover, only gets you last place…..

Another indication of potential lack of form is the habit of nodding off in the sun after lunch. Luckily there were no sharp-eyed Peloton riders around to take a video, convert to GIF and then circulate on Whatsapp to highlight the poor nodding fat bloke in ‘lycra stretched over greed’.

It was still a great tour, but I have to confess that I missed Moley… he had called it a day whilst he was dealing with the maelstrom of a changing work landscape. He wanted to focus on getting work before focussing on getting pink.

I knew that if he had not done the training either, then I may have had some company at the back of the pack. As it was, I had to do with the humiliation of the ‘Peloton rota of shame’ as the main pack took it in turns to schedule some time with the wounded cub at the back. All very gracious about it they were too… except for Col Mac who came back and gave me a big push up the hill. The one thing you don’t need when sulking with your moobs and off the pace is for any of the team to come and say (in the form of a flat hand on your back) ‘for fucks sake could you ride any slower’….!

The sentiment was appreciated Mac, but by that point I was in the dark space of self-loathing!

So, this year JT and I have booked the tour a little later. 2019 also heralds the return of a ‘Grande Tour’. A big 5-day-er. Huge scenery, hard cycling. Relentless back-to-back days.

Make no bones about it, the Grande Tours are tough. Day 3 nearly always sees aching quads which are painful to touch.

In Malaga and probably Majorca too, you can get away with not training much and taking some lard into the hills. Try that little stunt on a the big one and it will be very hard yards indeed.

So, for 2019 I have a predication. I think this year will see the most preparation and the best level of general fitness across the group.

Clearly the average has been upped by the introduction of HRH. A man drafted in to cause much restlessness amongst the chickens at the front of the field. Hopefully the podium boys will be forced to actually put a shift in this year as opposed to casually dragging the rest of us along in their breeze.

And so, to my predictions. I’m going early this year, but hey, let’s get it out there to be shot down.

JT

When your mass is somewhere in the 70’s in the currency of the kilogram, you’re going to be doing just fine. Fresh from a year of skiing and snowboarding our pocket-rocket from the land of beer and meat will put in a bit of training and will be his usual excitable self in the top quartile.

I’d like to see someone push him into the hurt locker and keep him there for a while. Last time I saw that was in 2012 when a broken JT sat opposite me in a tapas bar in Palma.

It was very pleasant viewing from where I was sat. Very pleasant. ’d pay to see that again.

Drip

Excruciating back trouble at the end of 18 will hopefully right itself as Drip treads gently back into a training rota. As always, his rides will be short but frequent. He’ll do what he can. Will it be enough? His mental determination will bridge many a gap. Likely to perform well. Probably most excited in the group at the prospect of a Grande tour. All we need to do is add poker and it will be literally heaven for our recovering friend.

Damo

No booze. Cyclocross. Commuting. Cyclists mentality. It’s only going to be as hard as he makes it. He’s another one I’d like to see breathing out of his arse.

As usual the big question with Damo will be what sort of cycling exotica will be wheeling about on?

I live in hope to see him on a Di2 Evo Supersix HiMod.

Macca

A verbal pessimist pre-tour, expect the same this year. Still has robotic tendencies and whilst Trainer Road has almost eradicated that slow, powerful cadence, it occasionally creeps in to remind you that he is almost certainly non-human and better than you!

Always there or thereabouts.

Col Mac

Will married life impact the unusually consistent performance? Whilst he does his riding on flat-as-a-pancake courses, he seems to be able to translate this into decent mid-table performances on the big hills.

Took a massive brave pill by announcing his attendance on tour (which coincides with his 1-year wedding anniversary). He’ll be there and probably still married, but you can bet your arse he’s going to have to pay a price to his new bride for getting away with this little stunt! (Prada Shoes? Gucci handbags? Mac getting pegged from behind by the Mrs wearing a 12-inch black strap-on? All we can do is cross our fingers and pray for the latter….’go on love… make him squeal…!’).

RTA

At last, his ‘top of podium’ position is in potential doubt for 19. RTA will be what RTA always is… well trained… in good condition… and eye candy for any passing lovelies.  Huge pressure on his shoulders this year as he has to take on the responsibility of awarding the 2019 Pink Cap. Fuck, you don’t want to get that little decision wrong…. Remember the year Drip lashed it up and gave it to JT… ? That was the year where I had three refund requests from disgruntled Peletonistas.

(In fairness, the 3 requests where all from me… anyway… it was still a shocking decision).

There is still a twinkle of hope that he will take the baton and arrange a curry night. Be a real pity to revoke the 18 cap because of a ‘failure of office’.

Moley

1st of Jan sees the heralded return of Moley to his beloved Turbo (clothes horse/cat scratching post/paperweight).  Like Harry Potter emerging from the under stairs cupboard, the Turbo is about to see the light of day and the power of the Moleman’s quads as he embraces the 19 campaign.

Much chattering about getting ‘ski-fit’ first (I have no idea what that means), but if Moley decides to make a go of it, me and Drip are proper fucked.

HRH

Tour virgin and in my book, straight in as favourite. Big expectations hover over our blue-blooded London commuter.

We need him to properly tear it up at the front of the pack. I want to see a hard pace set with JT, RTA, Macca and Damo blowing to keep up…. And then I want to see them individually dropped.

I’m half-considering getting an electric bike and a go-pro so I can capture the magic as it happens.

As it is, myself and chums at the back of the pack will just have to revel and enjoy the delicious tension when we arrive at a coffee break to a table of riders not talking to each other and HRH desperately trying to make small talk. I literally cannot wait.

Hoppo

I’ve set myself big targets this year. 5-7kg lighter than current weight. 20+% uplift in FTP.

If I do this, I won’t be last.

If I don’t, I will.

In my silver jubilee year, it really is as simple as that.

So, there we have it. A Grande tour awaits. And this year we have the added entertainment of fights breaking out every meal time as Moley and I wrestle over grabbing the lunch receipts as for the first time in tour history, the midday snack and pint will be logged on the system by 2 riders as ‘Business Entertainment’.

I’ve never had to claim the VAT back on shame…. No time like the present.

Happy new year all.

Hoppo

[junker-town]

6 NFL Draft sleepers this year and which current players they remind us of

Photo by Zach Bolinger/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

These are the players who could end up as major draft day steals.

Naturally everyone is circling the big names on the 2022 NFL Draft board and paying attention to their team’s first pick, but we often ignore where the real meat of the draft comes in: The second round and below.

To be honest, I think we make a little too much out of the first round. Obviously making the correct pick is important, but picking high in the draft is more about not making mistakes than showing brilliance every year. The difference between a decent team and an elite one is the ability to find players deep in the draft who can become starter or even Pro Bowl-level talent.

That’s why looking at sleepers is so interesting. Nobody thinks about the Seahawks taking Bruce Irvin in the first round of 2012, but they sure remember that being the draft where they took Bobby Wagner in the second round and Russell Wilson in the third. So let’s dive into the players we’re not thinking about right now, but who could define the league in a few years.

Carson Strong, QB, Nevada

This is not a great draft at quarterback, that much we know, but Strong has really fallen down the boards from potential first round pick to now being a major sleeper. At this point it’s hard to imagine he’ll be taken in the first two rounds, opening the door for someone to get potentially get a steal.

It’s important to know what you’re getting from him. Strong was never a super mobile QB, and following a leg injury he’s basically a statue. He will not be able to escape pressure, or pick up yards with his legs — but that’s not why you would take him.

In terms of pure arm talent, only Malik Willis compares in this class. Strong has a cannon for an arm and has also shown an ability to put touch on passes, a trait that normally strong armed QBs struggle with. At 6’3”, 226 pounds he’s got the size to stand in the pocket and take a shot, but there’s a lot he needs to work on to be a plus-level QB.

Ceiling: Poor man’s Ben Roethlisberger

Strong needs to learn to manipulate defenses better with his eyes and stop staring down his primary receiver, but he could have the potential to fit well in a passing scheme not requiring much creativity in the pocket from the quarterback.

Calvin Austin III, WR, Memphis

Austin III is likely going to be a late Day 2, or early Day 3 player — and I think someone is going to get a hell of a bargain.

Any team who selects Austin III thinking they’ll get a do-everything receiver is destined to fail. That is not how he’ll win at the next level. Instead the former track star is best suited as a gadget player in a scheme more concerned with putting the ball in a weapon’s hands and letting them operate. At 5’8” and and a slight 170 pounds, he’s not out-muscling defensive backs or fighting for the ball — but his straight line speed and shiftiness could allow Austin III to develop into a plus-level player as a third or fourth weapon.

I’m a very big fan of Austin III landing in the right system.

Ceiling: Mecole Hardman, with risk

While Hardman had better resume coming out of college with plenty of film against SEC defenses, I think it’s not difficult to imagine Austin III having the same impact on the field. While he might not be as versatile as the Chiefs’ receiver, he could potentially develop those skills and round out his game.

Tyler Allegier, RB, BYU

It’s really difficult to project where Allegier will go, but I suspect he’ll be a late Day 2 pick due to position. He could absolutely be taken earlier, but this is a case of RBs being de-emphasized in the NFL to the point where even the top do-everything backs are going to be taken in the late 1st, at the best.

Allegier is not a player who can offer much in the passing game, but as a second power back he could find a home as one of the best in the league in goal line situations. His 5’11”, 224 pound frame and knack for finding gaps could make him an asset.

There are things he needs to work on, most notably showing more drive against the pile to push back interior linemen. I still see a lot of potential as a change of pace back.

Ceiling: Nick Chubb

A team looking to pair a do-everything back with a short yardage workhorse could find amazing mid-round value in Allegier, who could develop into an asset at the next level.

Isaiah Likely, TE, Coastal Carolina

I’m very big on Likely, who will likely finds projected in the fourth or fifth round. A former receiver, he’s very much learning true tight end traits where he’s a below-average blocker and needs NFL conditioning — but as a work in progress I think he could become special.

A big play master who stuffs the stat sheet, Likely finished with 912 receiving yards and 12 touchdowns this past season. He will fall due to lack of pure obvious projection at the next level, and while his route running isn’t quite good enough to become a dedicated receiver, I think he could develop into a big weapon.

Ceiling: Plus-level Dan Arnold

While Arnold works small spaces better, we’re talking about the same solid receiving core that’s not really an asset in blocking. I think Likely could learn more at the next level, and with some training and conditioning could be a huge Day 3 steal.

Kerby Joseph, S, Illinois

This is a little bit of a different sleeper, because I think most people know he’s tremendous. It’s more that I see guys like Kyle Hamilton and Lewis Cine going much, much earlier — and the gap between those guys and Joseph aren’t so pronounced that he’s not worth a flier.

Joseph is a plus-level ballhawk with great instincts. He also showed major lockdown ability in the back portion of Illinois’ season, only giving up 24 yards in the final seven games of the season. I think he could develop into a really nice player who can make an impact.

Ceiling: Minkah Fitzpatrick

Similar ball skills and playmaking ability from the safety position. Needs to develop his instincts at the next level to adjust to the NFL, but every rookie does.

Neil Farrell Jr, DT, LSU

At this point he’s not a threat in the passing game, where he really doesn’t have a great feel for pushing inside and collapsing the pocket. However, in watching Farrell on film it seems more due to lack of technique, rather than unwillingness.

I think an NFL team can instruct and develop those abilities, because he has an above-average motor for a 330 pound defensive tackle who needs to get NFL caliber conditioning, which can speed him up. At the very least a team will get a potentially elite run stopping defensive tackle who can shut teams down at the goal line.

Farrell is a likely 4th or 5th round pick, where I think he’d be a great choice.

Ceiling: Leonard Williams

An elite-level run stopper without a lot of pass rushing traits, I think Farrell can improve further and be an amazing value for a team needing help in the trenches.

[rhinoplasty-medspa]

Life Transforming Cosmetic Surgery

Exactly How Plastic Surgery Can Change Lives

Plastic as well as cosmetic surgery continues to get great and also bad connotations. Plastic surgery, a more general term, is used around the world daily from aesthetic procedures to reconstructive treatments. I have never ever personally had any kind of cosmetic surgery done yet there are apparent disadvantages to plastic surgery such as downtime, discomfort, as well as possible negative effects. Since they are hazardous however there are also advantages that might be worth the risk, these are all elements that should be talked about prior to the actual procedures. The benefits of cosmetic surgery are limitless. Because plastic surgeons are exceptionally gifted and informed, they have the capacity to recreate practically anything. A recent Huffington Post short article titled "Plastic Surgery Miracles" dives listed below the surface to shed light on some truly remarkable cosmetic surgery procedures such as Katie Piper, whom thanks to stem cell and also plastic surgery has regained some of her view after coming to be partially blind throughout a sulphuric acid strike. One more remarkable cosmetic surgery operation was of a hand transplant on a 51 years of age guy who has ended up being the very first individual in the UK to have a hand transplant. Plastic surgery gets a bad rap occasionally mainly because of actually negative horror stories. Of course there are going to be horror stories and also really horrible cosmetic surgery results however these benefits are most definitely worth it. Keep reading for more detailed tales of exactly how these cosmetic surgery treatments can changes lives. Aesha Mohammadzai is a beautiful girl from Afghanistan. When her nose and ears were hacked off by her Taliban spouse as well as in-laws after fleeing her forced marriage, at simply 19 years old she was subject to torment as well as mutilation. You might recognize her from a really well-known cover of TIME Magazine in an unique labelled "What Happens if We Leave Afghanistan" by Aryn Baker. Within the article, Aesha informs a mournful and also really terrible story of her forced marital relationship and subsequent abuse from not only her hubby however likewise his family. One day the physical and psychological abuse just became too much for her so she ran away. Soon after she was caught, she remembers the occasion effectively, "They caught me and place me in jail for 5 months. When I appeared the judge sent me back to my hubby. That evening they took me to the mountains. They tied my hands and feet. They stated my punishment was to reduce my nose and ears. And after that they began to do it." Having lost consciousness with discomfort as well as shock, Aesha involved in her very own blood. She took care of to stroll to her village where her papa took her to the medical facility. Aesha has actually been because dealing with a host family members in America and also is being dealt with by doctors in Maryland. Her restoration surgical procedure includes nose restoration, cells expansion, and also nose surgery. Aesha initially was treated with steady tissue transplants taken from various other components of her body. These cells transplants will certainly permit cosmetic surgeons to piece together a new nose for Aesha. She also has experienced tissue development on her forehead, a treatment used for skin reconstruction that allows cosmetic surgeons expand skin for repair functions. During cells development, saline is infused in pockets underneath the skin, gradually the quantity of saline is raised slowly creating the area to swell and the skin to stretch. The excess skin can after that be hair transplanted somewhere else where necessary. After her transplant achieves success, she will then have alteration rhinoplasty to make sure function as well as cosmetic look of her brand-new nose. In December 2012, she was half means with her reconstructive treatment and has actually because come to be a symbol of hope for females suppressed by the Taliban, urging females to "never surrender and also do not lose hope," that "what occurred, it's component of me, part of my life and its regularly in my mind as well as with me. I have to live and also I have to enjoy. Plastic surgery, an extra basic term, is utilized all around the world daily from cosmetic procedures to reconstructive procedures. I have never ever directly had any plastic surgery done yet there are obvious drawbacks to plastic surgery such as downtime, discomfort, as well as feasible side results. A recent Huffington Post write-up titled "Plastic Surgery Miracles" dives below the surface area to lose light on some actually outstanding plastic surgery treatments such as Katie Piper, whom thanks to stem cell and also plastic surgical treatment has actually restored some of her view after ending up being partially blind during a sulphuric acid strike. One more remarkable plastic surgical treatment procedure was of a hand transplant on a 51 year old male that has actually become the initial person in the UK to have a hand transplant. Review on for more detailed stories of just how these plastic surgical treatment treatments can changes lives.