#but Bowser keeps getting distracted by the people Mario cares about most

[mrspockify]

Wrote a whole ass essay here and I don't even know if it fully makes sense I'm so sorry 💀

TW for discussion of harassment, some suggestive content (nothing graphic)

Ok so what if, instead of just completely shifting into what their body is inclined towards, they're mostly just influenced by the new thoughts/feelings. They're still stuck with their own personalities, so instead of resorting to something completely unlike them, they pretty much merge with these new thoughts and react/interpret them in weird ways.

So like Mario in Bowser's body has all of this untapped rage and these animalistic tendencies, but because Mario is Mario, his affection for Peach and Luigi turns those feelings into an instinctual urge to protect them. So he actually starts getting uncontrollably aggressive towards anyone else who comes near them (and obviously he feels horrible about it when he comes back to awareness, because he would never willingly take a swipe at any innocent toad who unfortunately walked a little too close to their princess at the wrong time).

But it makes him dangerous, too, because he's got fire breath he can't really control, and his body, which he's still getting used to moving around in, is covered in sharp spikes that can stag on anything, or anyone. It's also making it difficult to get anything done regarding switching them back, because Mario's having a very hard time letting either of them out of his sight even for a second, because if he can't see them then he can't keep them safe.

But then you have Bowser in Mario's body, and I think he suddenly, inexplicably finds himself drawn to Peach and Luigi in ways he usually isn't. But instead of recognizing these feelings as love and devotion, it becomes an obsession towards them. Bowser being Bowser, reacts to these strong feelings with his own brand of maliciousness, acting on every human instinct he has when he's around them, because he, like Mario and his newfound rage, can't really control it (not that he even wants to, once he realizes what it can do).

To a degree, he's feeling the way Mario does about Peach and Luigi, but his mind has chosen to interpret it differently. He's not caring and protective of them, he's possessive. Where Mario feels a responsibility towards them, Bowser feels ownership.

With Peach especially, he suddenly has these overwhelming feelings of affection towards her that he somehow twists into something much more sinister and dangerous. He can't keep his hands off of her, can't stop trying to draw every kind of reaction he can from her. He becomes obsessed with having her attention on him in any way he can get it, because that suddenly feels good. Any time she's within his sight he basically pounces on her like she's prey, because she's suddenly the only thought on his mind.

He also finds out very quickly that he can get her attention by acting in... specific ways. He discovers that it's violating touches and suggestive whispers in her ear that bring out the biggest reactions, the most intense disgust and anger. And we've already established that he can't physically feel anything in Mario's body, so it's not as if he can just alleviate his urges through physical pleasure/sex. He's stuck in this weird mental arousal, obsessed with reaching some sort of climax but no real way to get it. He has to resort to insane levels of psychological warfare with her to satisfy whatever this is. I'm honestly not even sure what it might look like, but it's certainly not anything good.

And now you can also imagine that, with Bowser's obsessive behaviors towards Peach and Luigi, and with Mario's instinctual need to protect them at any cost, they're going to have one hell of a time trying to get them in a room together without one killing the other, or even hurting someone else (the poor princess or brother?) who might accidentally get in their way.

Ok so I was watching Brave earlier and I had ✨a thought✨

In the body swap AU what if being tapped in a monster’s body starts to have an effect on Mario where he slowly starts to lose himself to the monstrous urges? Like for a few seconds he’ll essentially ‘black out’ and become one with the beast he’s physically become, and overtime it starts to happen more frequently and he can’t control it no matter how hard he tries.

And when Peach and Luigi eventually rescue him, it happens again; His eyes change color and he starts to talk in low snarls and grunts. They’re both confused, but quickly figure out something’s not right, and they’re forced to back away as he starts to corner them with a menacing, animalistic glare. He raises the claws, but before he can attack he suddenly comes back to his senses. Realizing what he almost did, Mario profusely apologizes and explains that it’s been happening on and off for a while, feeling completely ashamed of himself despite knowing it’s not his fault.

Obviously I don’t expect this to actually happen (nor do I want it too cuz I would literally never recover lol) I just felt the need to participate in sharing ideas hehe

This had me pacing around and banging my fists on the table because YES. That's genius, omg!! 😱 What if the body they inhabit had a direct impact/influence on their psyche long-term? What if Bowser progressively assimilated human behavior while becoming more sophisticated, whereas Mario slowly felt his own mind begin to slip as the beastly side began to take over?

And for it to happen in front of Luigi and Peach too!.. 😭🙇‍♀️ Mario would be utterly mortified to be seen like this, poor dear. 😥 What if he ended up hurting one of them by accident?? It would be so scary for him to feel that shift and be unable to stop it. To slowly - but surely - start to lose the grasp he has on his own thoughts and actions. In a scenario like this one, I imagine that it would be a race against time. A rushed and desperate attempt to turn him back to normal before he forgets who he is entirely. 😣

I love mixing ideas and integrating concepts from different movies into this universe, and the premise for Brave fits perfectly in the body swap AU. 🎭💯 Thank you so much for sharing, dear!! 🙏💖

[jinlin-at-the-moon]

so a few days ago i was thinking about this post+comic, and i thought that while svsss luo binghe probably wouldn't try to Actually kill liu qingge, pidw luo binghe absolutely would. ergo, imagine, if you will. an au where peerless cucumber doesn't transmigrate in as shen qingqiu, but airplane still becomes shang qinghua. due to plot differences, airplane-bro doesn't really care about what the hell kind of drama the other peak lords are getting up to, but still somehow happens to knock over a book or something- something that, through bullshit plot contrivance butterfly effect, somehow manages to let shen jiu actually save liu qingge in the lingxi caves.

some years pass, years where liu qingge is going through a fantastical knightly enemies to ??? where he slowly learns he may have initially misjudged this man who may not be the paragon of virtue but is nonetheless a person worthy of respect with a possible sordid past that resulted in a difficult disposition and now has to kneel down and admit then make up to his failures, as shen jiu is like "what kind of fucking scheme is he trying to pull", which results in like a weird strained kind of coworkers who Don't Talk About It type relationship. the immortal alliance conference still happens, everything proceeds as in canon, except- when bingge comes back from his 5-year internship in tartarus and does his pidw-canon-typical "destroy shen jiu's reputation and lock him up in the water prison" shenanigans, it turns out that liu qingge Can and Will try to break shen jiu out -not because he really likes the guy all that much, necessarily, but he has a life debt to pay back and also has already dragged his one (1) braincell through the grinder in order to realise his assumed-evil coworker is probably not actually one-dimensionally evil, so he feels complicated enough about it to try and get some actual answers in here - and if that involves kicking demon ass that's just a fun bonus. normally, all this would not be an issue for demon emperor luo binghe who has recently basically come into nigh full power if you discount xin mo being grumpy, because, as established he would not hesitate to kill his former shishu! in fact, he'd be very glad to do that! however, for item out of designated boundary reasons, liu qingge Will Not Fucking Die.

...cue clown music.

liu qingge has already sacrificed his last braincell to trying to comprehend his shattered worldview of shen jiu as a person and therefore he does not examine why he is Actually so determined to break him out, and also doesn't have enough brainpower to feel torn by the fact that duelling luo binghe every week is actually kind of fun (and also why he kind of has a boner about it). shen jiu has a moral crisis about the fact that the man who he's first hated then avoided for like over a decade is now the one guy who keeps trying to legitimately come back for him and is willing to risk death over and over in order to do that, and also that somehow this pisses the beast off enough to distract him from the whole revenge/ripping off limbs thing- except now he's for some reason coming down to the water prison to rant about it? luo binghe, for his part, does not know why he's ranting about it to shen jiu of all people (it started as taunting! then it became some kind of weird routine because that one guy just cannot cease being alive and what is UP with that) and while he does have enough braincells to question why fighting liu qingge every week feels more stable than any other relationship he's had in his life since his mother died, he absolutely refuses to examine it. none of them are making it out of this normal. the clown music gets louder every time they're in one location. huan hua keeps having to dish out more and more repair funds for the bai zhan war god's going ham most destructive. the three clowns are locked in a mario/peach/bowser dynamic stalemate none of them actually want to be in, but it's what fate has dealt, and some god is probably laughing at their miseries.

(meanwhile, god is not laughing. god is wondering what the fuck happened here and how it got to this point and also if this means he might put some of his fake-his-own-death plans on hold just to see what kind of bullshit happens next. ...god also really wishes he could invent popcorn.)

[cocoa-rococo]

Koopaling Headcanons: Morton

Larry | Morton | Wendy | Iggy | Roy | Lemmy | Ludwig

The gentle giant who's solid as stone, and the main enforcer of Bowser's army! A wonderful lad, he is.

Right-handed.

Fond of scrapbooking! He has a few about his siblings and growing up together, but also keeps some about his interests. Wendy likes to gift him cute papers and pattern clippers, and Lemmy finds him cool stickers.

Likes watching wrestling with Roy, which often becomes wrestling with Roy.

He likes watching cooking shows for recipes ideas with Larry, and listening to him ramble about how people are doing things incorrectly.

Has a fairly good memory, and is the most likely to not get distracted on a mission, a trait Ludwig is incredibly grateful for.

Favorite season is winter, due to the novelty (but he can't stay in the snow for too long). Summer is a close second.

A pretty decent writer. His prose is fantastic; it's speaking aloud that he had trouble with.

Surprisingly good at healing magic, possibly more so than Ludwig or even Kamek.

He got gifted a camera from Iggy when he was ten, and he's been taking good care of it ever since. He uses it for scrapbooking, mostly, but he likes taking pictures of what surrounds him.

Very fond of yarrow flowers, due to the colors and how so few of them grow in the Darklands. He first discovered them when he was stationed on a mountain fortress waiting for Mario, and picked a whole bunch to keep inside.

Favorite candies are butterscotch and caramel chews, as well as crunchy rock-candy.

While his favorite pastries are donuts, Wendy once gave him a slice of her patisserie’s strawberry shortcake to try, and he’s been hooked on the flavor even since.

Prefers keeping his notes on pen and paper rather than a phone. He likes the feeling of writing.

Favorite fruit is raspberries and oranges.

Allergic to peanuts, but he prefers Nutella anyway.

His skin is actually much thicker than his siblings to help resist temperature extremities, and since he likes to burrow in sand a lot, it sometimes can get cracked and dry. He and Wendy like to get treatments and make a day of it together.

One of his favorite things is just sitting with his siblings and seeing what they're doing. He's happy to help with whatever they're involved in.

The physically strongest koopaling out of the seven. He's sometimes not quite aware of his strength, but he's trying to get better at it.

Has a soft spot for cute, fluffy animals. Probably aware of Larry's love for a ‘girly’ pony show, but doesn't mind.

Likes listening to Ludwig go on about his mystery novels, and helps as a sound-board for when he needs to bounce theories off someone.

He keeps a miniature zen-garden in his room, and likes to spend time raking little patterns in the sand and moving the rocks around.

The first of his siblings to figure out how to transform his wand into another weapon.

Magic is a weird case with him; trying to cast was difficult, even if the effect was fine. When he learned how to wield his hammer, however, it felt much more intuitive.

Really good with kids, even if he doesn't see a lot of them. He was the most excited out of all his siblings for when Junior was born.

Easily the best secret keeper out of the seven. That koopaling is a VAULT.

Has a fondness for birds, especially ducks. He once got to go to a farm with little ducklings and hold them, and he was crying happy tears almost the entire time.

Coincidentally, he's got an amazing rubber ducky collection. It's very cute, and touching it without his permission will very likely kill you.

Is a big fan of sculpture work, and sometimes will make little trinkets and carvings from chunks of rock he finds. His love of making things is also what convinced him to create Morton's Construction, when his siblings were making businesses.

Wendy is on a persistent quest to make him an Instagram for his scrapbooks and carving work. Morton is on a persistent quest to remember to use it, but always gets distracted.

One of the best taiko drummers —and kumi-daiko performers — this side of the Darklands. He practices with the Hammer Bros.

Can and will stop everything and anything he's doing to make sure an animal crosses the street safely.

Has an almost mom-level accuracy for knowing where lost things are. Any time his siblings can't find something, they go to him, and ninety percent of the time, his guesses are right.

Loves giving hugs! Does not love how he sometimes hugs a little too hard and people get squished.

He likes experimenting in the kitchen with Larry, offering spice suggestions and combos, even if he turns the heat on way too high.

[yanderes-galore]

Yandere romantic Mario vs Yandere romantic Bowser hcs fighting over princess peach sibling who helps mario to save princess peach and distract bowser for awhile , only for it to backfire on them.

Well this match up was bound to happen at some point, sure!

Mario Concept

Bowser Concept

Yandere! Mario vs Yandere! Bowser with Peach Sibling! Darling

Pairing: Romantic - Rivalry

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Obsession at first sight, Overprotective, Manipulation, Kidnapping, Slight violence mention, Stalking, Jealousy, Dubious/Forced relationship.

Mario has had many people help him save the day from all sorts of foes.

Primarily he's saving Peach from Bowser.

Mario most likely met you through Princess Peach during one of his many visits.

He's never known Peach had a secret sibling!

According to Peach it's because she's been protecting you for awhile now.

She doesn't want Bowser to target you like he does to her.

So when you were able to care for yourself alone you moved out from the castle and hid your heritage.

You still visit your sister, which is how Mario met you, but for the most part you remove yourself from the castle.

You hate how your sibling keeps being targeted by Bowser but haven't been able to stop it.

In fact, you're thankful to Mario for saving your sister when Bowser does strike.

Mario honestly finds his cheeks heating when you give him your thanks.

Obviously you meet Mario first by accident but Peach allows it because she trusts her savior of many times.

For the sake of this concept maybe Mario wasn't interested in Peach.

Maybe when he first meets you he feels his cheeks heat up.

Mario most likely met you maybe a few weeks to a few months before Peach is kidnapped by Bowser again.

This gives the hero time to get to know you.

He knows about your annoyance when it comes to Bowser and your sister.

He agrees and you two become fast friends.

Mario listens intently to you when you talk about your life growing up.

You had assigned parents too look after you and you're similar in age to your sister.

You tell him how the Mushroom Kingdom is like without being bowed to like a traditional royal.

Really you're meant to take Peach's place if anything happens.

Yet you really want to protect your sister, something Mario shares in common with you.

Maybe you meet Mario's brother and friends the longer you know him.

He seems like such a sweet guy and you trust him.

All the while the hero in red begins to fall more and more in love.

He takes his time with waiting to admit how stunning you are.

He really does want to tell you that he's enamored but for now stays your friend and protector.

The second half of this concept takes place when Bowser kidnaps Peach.

Mario is adamant that you stay to keep the kingdom running.

However, you stop him with a hand on the shoulder and a stern expression.

"I'm not letting him get away with this again, I'm coming to help."

Mario is hesitant but obliges.

It gives him time to spend with you... he might as well.

Then your journey to save your sibling begins with you, Mario, Luigi, and maybe even Toad + Toadette.

There's no doubt Bowser hears about you from minions like Kamek.

He finds it strange that you share traits with the Princess but he's never seen you.

He asks more, his curiosity increasing, yet he isn't given much else.

Maybe he even asks Peach if she knows anything.

Perhaps with a harsher tone she admits she has a sibling.

Which makes Bowser eager to meet this supposed sibling.

While Bowser gains info on you by having minions stalk you, you're having fun with Mario.

Mario loves it when you smile despite you being upset about your lost sister.

He tries his best to make you happy as a hero should.

Sometimes you even take breaks long enough to rest and chat.

Mario makes it a goal to confess to you after getting Peach back.

Maybe you'll fall for him and his heroics?

You're unaware of Mario's affections other than the tint of his face and caring behavior.

He tries his best to be your guardian while making your way to the final castle.

Once you get there for the climatic battle, you come up with a plan.

You ask Mario to save your sister while you distract Bowser.

Mario finds this a horrible idea and decides against it.

Yet, again, you're insistent.

You want to help.

Not trusting the situation Mario tries to make things quick.

You nearly regret your decision when Bowser's steps enter the throne room.

The large Koopa King was expecting to see Mario here, but all he sees is... you.

His eyes widen at the prize in front of him.

Oh... you really do seem related to the Princess.

Cute, too.

With a laugh, the large beast asks why you're alone.

"I want my sister freed."

He likes that's you're bold.

You even gave him confirmation as to who you are.

"Freed? Perhaps we can make a deal?"

"What deal?"

"You take her place."

"... you can't possibly-"

"What's the matter? This way the Mushroom Kingdom gets their Princess back and I keep a prize. Is it not a noble sacrifice?"

The idea of this trade makes your skin crawl.

Bowser's gaze is intense, hungry, and eager.

Peach was getting old anyways, plus, maybe Mario will leave him alone this time?

Turns out no because just as he thinks of scooping you up, the plumber returns.

Mario comes running into the room with Peach to encounter Bowser, the Koopa King showing annoyance at this disturbance.

Mario isn't going to allow this sort of deal to happen.

In fact, maybe this time you manage to get away from Bowser after giving him just a little taste.

For now, Mario has won and brought Peach home along with you and his friends.

However, now Peach is no longer the one on danger.

While Mario plans how to confess to you, Bowser plans how to make you his.

Maybe even when Mario gets his timing right to tell you, Bowser trashes everything?

All because you came to help Mario you're now caught in the loop your sister was in.

Bowser hunts you down to kidnap you and charm you while Mario tries to play your protector and hero.

They both adore you and both try to confess.

Mario doesn't really like staining his gloves but if he has to be more cruel to get you back... he won't mind being more violent.

Meanwhile Bowser doesn't mind playing the role of monster... as long as he gets what he wants and ruins that plumber's life, he'll be happy.

It's just... well... it's up to you if you love either of them.

Sadly, even if Peach tried to make a deal like Bowser did with you, he'd never take the bait.

Bowser's already got something much sweeter than Peach.

It only gives him more satisfaction that he's stealing you from Mario.

You begin to regret coming to help your sister that day...

Perhaps you should've listened to Mario back then?

[blackhakumen]

Fanfic #6: After the Aces Tournament

After facing trials and errors against a legendary yet demonic tennis racket known as Lucien, The Mushroom Kingdom and Royal Tennis Tournament was saved yet again thanks to their number one hero, Mario.

While everyone was celebrating for Mario's victory and heroism, the princess of Sarasaland, Daisy, was sitting alone in a table, staring worryingly at Mario's younger brother and one of her bestest friends, Luigi. Ever since she saw her sweetie easily gotten himself possessed by some evil looking racket, the thought of that even happened alone left the princess on a baffling edge. She could definitely see why Wario and Waluigi fell for the racket possession, since all those fools care about is getting rich instead using some common sense, seeing Luigi, of all people, getting fooled by that thing too was beyond her knowledge. Luigi might not be the smartest guy she knows, he was definitely not the stupidest either. Either way, this really doesn't set well for Daisy at all.

So after a few minutes of silence and thinking, Daisy decided that she needs to talk to Luigi about this before the party is over. So after Luigi was done with a brief conversation with one of the Toad, Daisy came by and ask him to come with her in private so she could talk with him alone. Luigi be was a little confused by the request at first, but quickly agreed to follow her to find a place where they could have their private conversation.

Once they've found the location, which is inside the Sport Equipment Storage Building, their conversation could finally begin:

Luigi: So...is there anything you wanted to talk to me about, Daisy? You've been pretty quiet during the party so I was a little worried?

Daisy: Well... before I tell you what's going on, I need to do something first.

Luigi: Oh...really? If you mind me asking, what is it you wanted to do first, exactly?

Daisy: Simple, Sweetie. This!

(Daisy Smacks Luigi on the top of his head.)

Luigi: Owwww!.... Mamma Mia, Daisy! What the heck was that for?

Daisy: That was for letting some Tennis Racket mind control you and having me worried sick about you all day! Just what the hell were you thinking back there?! Getting yourself possessed like that!!

Luigi: I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to let myself get possessed and make you all worried like that! Plus I don't know why I let Lucien trick me like that! I-it just.... happened, you know?

Daisy: ('Sigh') Not that I don't believe you or anything, but what you mean by 'It just happened'?

Luigi: ('Took Deep Breaths') ....Ok, have you ever seen those kinds of movie where someone get's easily distracted by some light lurking them in to their trap?

Daisy: Most of the time, yeah...

Luigi: Well, that what happened but...only more...real and.... creepy like...

Daisy: That would explain some things, but why did you even looked at it in the first place? You're nowhere near as gold hungry like twiddle dumb and twiddle stupid over there, so what makes you so interested in that racket anyways?

Luigi: I-I just thought it looked pretty neat and stuff..... but I guess It already took me by surprise... I'm sorry, Daisy. That wasn't a good enough excuse for me getting tricked and used like that.... guess that makes me pretty weak, huh?

The look at Luigi's sad and ashamed eyes as well as hearing him called himself 'weak' had already broke the tomboy princess' heart in a matter seconds. If there's one thing that Daisy hate the most is that seeing the people , who are dear to her, all sad and depressed. So Daisy did what any best friend would do these situations; hug the crap outta them and do whatever it takes to make him happy again. Which is exactly what she's going to do to her Weegie.

Daisy: First of all, you are anything but weak, Luigi! In fact, you're pretty much the strongest person I ever met, physical and (sometimes) even emotionally! Besides, just because you got possessed by some weird looking racket-

Luigi: Actually it's name is Lucien-

Daisy: Please don't interrupt me while I'm cheering you up here, sweetie....

Luigi: S-sorry!

Daisy: As I was saying, just because you were possessed by some racket, that doesn't automatically make you weak. It only makes you more of that thing's victim, if anything. And second...you don't have to apologise about something like that. Honest. I mean, the only reason why I was upset earlier was because I was worried about you, you know?

Luigi: Wait....you were worried about me?

Daisy: Well, duh! Of course I was worried, you dummy! An evil tennis racket, with a weird name, using you like some kind of puppet for... whatever that thing wants. You have no idea how much I wanted to get out of that stadium and help you out back there!

Luigi: Now did you mention it....why didn't you join Mario and the others to help out, anyways?

Daisy: Well, Peach and I wanted to, but Toad told us not to go because to him, we're both 'Royalty' and all that other crap.... Pretty stupid, I know.

Luigi: Ah c'mon, Daisy. He was only trying to keep you two safe.

Daisy: I know, but I can totally take care of myself! Remember that time I slapped the crap out of Bowser so hard that he flew across another orbit?! (Smirks proudly) He never tried to kidnap me ever since.

Luigi: (Laughs Softly) Yeah...that was pretty random. Even for you.

Daisy: I know, right?! But anyways, there's absolutely nothing to apologise for, Luigi. Just please promise me that you'll be careful for next time, 'kay? I really don't wanna smack you upside the head again.

Luigi: (Smiles Brightly) Of course, Daisy. I'll be careful for now on. I promise!

Daisy: (Smiles bashfully) Thanks sweetie.

Luigi: Your welcome. And thank you for making me feel better. You're the best friend a guy like me can ask for.

Daisy: D'awww you're so welcome, Weegie!~ I'm just glad I was able to talk to you at all.

Luigi: Well I'm glad you did.

Daisy: (Pulls Luigi in a one arm hug) Alright, c'mon, Weegie. We gotta get more food from the stands before it they're all sold out.

Luigi: Lead the way, Milady.

[ahntravels]

Day два.

Day 2. Woke up and completely forgot I was in St. Petersburg for a moment. My bed at home is  a queen, and the bed at this hotel is for a tiny person (in fact, I think my bed at ND was larger...) Anyway, I rolled over as per usual, and completely rolled off the bed. 

I never would have thought, in my wildest dreams, I would one day wake up in Russia. Here’s to just pulling the trigger and making it happen. 

Today, as mentioned yesterday, is Hermitage day. I didn’t know what exactly to expect, except all blogs mentioned to a) buy your ticket in advance (online) and b) get there early. The museum opens at 10, and I had planned on getting there at 10, except halfway through the 20 minute walk I realized I forgot my wallet and visa so I had to go walk back to the hotel and then walk back again, basically adding another 30 minutes to my trip. I arrived around 10:30.

I will say, walking up to the Winter Palace (Hermitage) was surreal. It’s HUGE. 

Below is the arch you walk through which reveals the mammoth Palace

I’ve seen Buckingham Palace in London and Versailles in Paris. I will say that they are NOTHING compared to the Hermitage Museum in terms of shear size. It’s kind of crazy that those arches completely conceal the Palace until you start to walk through it. Then you see like...part of the Palace, but it’s not until you walk through the arch that there is this instantaneous reveal. Included in the reveal is the shock of just seeing the Palace in full + the huge size of it spanning your vision across the X-axis + all the blue sky and empty space that just silences you for a moment. 

SIDE NOTE: For whatever stupid, immature reason, every time I think of the “reveal”, I think of that scene from Mario 64 when you’re running towards a photo of the Princess and it turns out to be Bowser. No, I’m not drunk, don’t ask me why I think of these things at the most random times. And yes, I did spend 15 minutes searching for this photo collage. 

Anyway. I am sure the Winter Palace is GORGEOUS during winter. The acoustics of the space when it’s covered in snow must be like...next level. I’m sure St. Petersburg during the winter is amazing. 

If you want a history lesson on the Hermitage, the Hermitage website has a great timeline. Again, as with the other blogs, I’m not going to be going into detail about images of the place or the history of the pieces exhibited. So many other blogs have done it so much better and I’m not going to butcher that. I’ll just mention a few things that stuck out to me, and you can Google around and figure it out.

I will say that if you do visit, I can offer a couple of tips you may want to follow.

1) The map. The map is confusing but not. You’ll just find yourself getting annoyed because, when you know where you are going, the gaggle of tourists and tourist groups will spin you around and suddenly you forget which way is which. Because the museum is HUGE (I saw maybe 1/8th of the museum in 4-5 hours?) you have to prioritize what to see. Keep in mind that, as time elapses, the museum becomes more and more inundated with the dreaded tourist groups, basically making your chances of getting a clear photo of anything nill. 

2) Tourists (a.k.a. the “Boos”). See the map below. The Hermitage has 3 floors. Below is a floor plan of probably the most popular floor, thanks to Mr. da Vinci and many of the decorative palace rooms (amongst other exhibits):

The good thing is that the map kind of pulls out the most famous exhibits and shows you what room they are in. This makes your job of figuring out where you need to go to cross out those items from your bucket list easy. The bad part: The enemy (a.k.a. tourists groups a.k.a. “boos”) also know where these pieces are and are racing as well to find them. The good news: the boos are with tourist groups and have to wait until the tour guide guides them to the room with the exhibit. So, you have time to beat them to it and snag the photo if you are quick. 

Just like in Mario, as time progresses and you aren’t being proactive, more and more of these guys are going to flood the Museum and follow you and clog up the exhibits. So, how do you win? I suggest getting to the museum first thing, then IMMEDIATELY source those famous exhibits, get your photos, then start at the beginning. Most of the tourists are going to be spending a large portion of their time taking photos of the great hall, which leaves you time to sneak past. Case in point:

The line to da Vinci. It was actually way worse a bit earlier when I came around again. I managed to get there early enough and snagged a decent photo:

In general, just like Versailles, the rooms are huge and ornate and absolutely beautiful. I was standing by a window, looking out into the courtyard from what was probably a ballroom in the palace, and thought to myself who else, years ago, was gazing forlornly (or with happiness, or deep in thought) out this same window.

I think that is the most magical part about these palace museums: people LIVED here. People also died here, were executed, fell in love, gave birth, went mad. And when you see relics of those like ridiculous looking Russian uniforms or weird trinkets from decades past, you have to remember that, no, these weren’t fashioned after film props, but film props fashioned after the real living thing. And the real living thing from 100+ years ago is right in front of you. 

It’s pretty spectacular. 

Oh, so this was exciting: The were having a temporary exhibit, and it was REMBRANDT!! Mike! I’m sure you have seen most of these because they sourced the pieces from the Leiden collection...maybe you have seen some of these at the Frick?

Anyway, there was NO PHOTOGRAPHY so I couldn’t really snag photos of pieces specifically. 

I did find myself in a Jean-Baptiste while lost in the French wing:

I didn’t and couldn’t wander the halls for the full 4-5 hours straight. I took a couple of breaks, grabbing a coffee at the cafe for 15 minutes before trying again. I do suggest you break up your visit to the Hermitage into two days; it really is the only way to not feel like your brain is going to explode. 

Afterwards, I took a walk outside by the water behind the Palace. 

Gratuitous selfie. That’ll be two hundred rubles. 

At this point, I had about 2.5 hours to kill before I needed to make my way to the Mariinsky Theater for the performance. So, I did what anyone should do, and that is wander around and picked up a snack to munch on (sorry, no photo of munchies).

There were people painting on the lawn, and I meant to come back and scope out the progress, but became distracted so I didn’t. I did manage to view a live performance (there are performers EVERYWHERE) and I’ll have to post in a separate blog entry because I still can’t figure out how to take the video from my phone and stick it here. 

I stopped at a progressive burger joint (in terms of menu options) for my “snack” (I didn’t eat breakfast despite my large leftovers still sitting in the refrigerator) and ate one of these guys sans burger sauce:

It’s essentially a falafal burger with cucumbers and halved grape tomatoes inside. The bun was my least favorite part (larger in circumference than the patty, which drives me INSANE) so I ditched it angrily. The bun and the burger should be the same size, and the patty should be thicker than each half of the bun. If the top bun is thicker than the patty, the bun is trash. BESIDES THAT ISSUE, the patty was actually really flavorful, and the veggies were (surprise!) slightly pickled. I wasn’t a huge fan of the background of dill I tasted, but that’s fine. The lunch hit the spot and I felt alive again. 

I know, call me a hypocrite for yelling about wasting food and here I am ditching a perfectly good bun. Well, arguably it wasn’t perfectly good, but I did take a bite and decided I much preferred the insides. Whatever. To quote Trump, “Who cares, we won!”

ASHLEY SIDE NOTE: It’s actually been great being overseas, because I have been shielded from all the US politics. However, I did catch a headline today and I mistakenly checked out Trump’s interview and wow...glad I am over here.

Eventually, I made my way to the theater via Uber (there is no Lyft here, and taxis are a little...shady. And slow. And expensive). I will have to comment on Russian driving (or, driving in Russia):

1) It’s nuts. Nuttier than cabbies and NYC driving. Nuttier than driving in France. Probably not nuttier than driving in Vietnam or other places where you are competing with scooters and cars, but it’s still pretty nutty.

2) However, I noticed that they do one thing correctly and without anger that we don’t do in America, and that is merging. In Russia, they utilize the “zipper merge” technique quite patiently and diligently, which, after taking 3 Ubers and cursing under my breath at the “assholes” who merged at the last minute, I realized that this was common and drivers didn’t sweat it. 

“Those apparently rude drivers are putting more of the roadway to use and thus helping speed things along, in much the same way water flows faster through a funnel than through a straw.”

3) There is no bus lane or real lanes in general (I mean, there are lines painted in the road but people disregard them) and cars are just weaving in and out, trying to avoid buses, bikers, etc. And everyone drives stick, so it can get a little rough at times.

Anyway, I manged to get to the theater at the nick of time (traffic is TERRIBLE) and had decent balcony seating:

The Mariiinsky Theater isn’t huge, but the acoustics are really good. The ballet itself was really interesting. Interesting in the sense that this performance, in terms of skill, seemed to be this mix of gracefulness and like...cirque du soleil. I haven’t seen many ballets, but the ones I have seen did not showcase these magnificent bouts of exaggerated athleticism as performed by these dancers (i.e. 360 degree turns ad infinitum, Labron Jamesesque slam dunk vertical leaps, etc). Don’t get me wrong; these dancers are incredible and it was fun to watch them exhibit their unrelenting strength. However, I felt, where the narrative fell short, the shock and awe carried it through.

 I have to be honest and say that I’m not the type to sit through a long, dry opera or ballet, so Le Corsaire broke through any of that fear and was much appreciated. Given we are in the world of #metoo, the plot didn’t really adhere to the moral standard (the narrative is much about the selling of women as slaves, that people of the Middle Eastern ethnicity is less than smart, etc). Yeah, not the best message. However, despite the immature and possibly offensive plot, the artistry was really good...the backgrounds and costumes were beautiful, and the music was moving. I really liked the duo in Act II...I believe it’s the Adagio, but I will have to go back through the soundtrack to figure it out. 

Afterwards, I ate a really light and late dinner and came back to the hotel where I am writing this. It’s past midnight, and I am officially 63 years old!*

Tomorrow, I think i will visit the Faberge museum, then the Anna Akhamatova Museum, then a food market called  the Kuznechny Market where I will try to buy some caviar, THEN bday dinner, then I need to hit the hay because I have a 6AM train out of Russia and into Estonia. I am really feeling sad that my stay in Russia is ending, but excited to see two more countries. 

Until tomorrow!

*I told the waiter today was my birthday, and he said, “Congratulations”. What a curious response. I suppose living is a task, and becoming a year older is like a life promotion.  

[chlstarrbaby]

True Rescue, a King Boo and Princess Peach fic

(Kippea Week Day 3)

Summary: King Boo Rescues Princess Peach in the real world this time, beating the Mario Brothers to her by a landslide, and buying plenty of time to keep Bowser preoccupied with other things besides kidnapping Peach all the time, and they take the scenic route back to her castle.

Rating: K+ Warnings: Not really any except for how ushy gushy and cavity inducing cute it gets towards the end.

Princess Peach sighed in exasperation, she was captured again and immensely bored. Bowser had made another castle in the sky and had forgotten to make a good room that would suit her, so she ended up with an impromptu bedroom that was once a storage room, but at least it had a window so she could see if and when the barrier surrounding the castle fell from the coming of the Mario brothers.

However, it fell sooner than it should have and it sent Bowser on high enough alert that he came to get her personally instead of sending guards for her so he could look dramatic in front of the brothers. Unfortunately all that planned drama was for naught as it was not the Mario brothers who bust in but King Boo instead.

“What? You’ve gotta be kidding me, you broke my castle’s barrier? But how-?” Bowser complained and then noticed the yellow topaz in King Boo’s crown which simultaneously made the ghostly monarch’s eyes glow yellow and they were pretty creepy in the darkness around his eyes. “Oh, I see. You got a new jewel for your crown, so what - you short circuited the barrier with it? And whaddaya want anyway?”

King Boo merely grinned at the Koopa King, as if he knew something the over grown Koopa didn’t. Even though King Boo came alone and was at his smallest and most average size, the topaz turned out to be stronger than even he thought, but when he had gotten word that Peach had been kidnapped by her common nuisance, well, he wasn’t going to just float idly by and wait for the Mario brothers to handle it. And as he told her time and time again in her nightmares of Bowser that he rescues her from, it’s about time someone put a stop to this asinine cycle of repetition, even if Bowser was an old friend of his, King Boo was willing to turn against him for the sake of her happiness.

“Why yes, that’s exactly what I did to your flimsy barrier, I just had to try out the new trinket after all. As for what I want, well, I must say I’m a bit surprised that your spies didn’t say anything.” King Boo told him smugly, daring a glance in Peach’s direction to make sure she was alright and to gauge whether or not he could easily swoop in to snatch her away.

“What are you talking about?” Bowser growled in suspicion, narrowing his eyes to emphasize that suspicion.

“Well, if you don’t really know, then there’s no need to tell you.” King Boo all but purred in his smugness, but otherwise quite glad Bowser wasn’t aware of his recent visits with Princess Peach. “Although I’m afraid you must remind me again, about when was it that you fell in love with the princess?” He asked while getting closer to the Koopa King as casually as he could, and making sure to float in between Bowser and Peach and keeping the princess behind him.

“Why in Star Hill do you need to know that again? I already told you it was practically love at first sight-!” At that last sentence, King Boo quickly poked Bowser’s forehead with a bit of magic that he circulated to his nubby hand. To anyone else in the room it looked like he merely poked Bowser and was somehow strong enough in that one poke to knock the Koopa King back on his shell and out cold. The force of Bowser’s shell hitting the ground along with the rest of his weight made the ground quake for a second.

Any guards that were in the room didn’t dare aide their king so long as King Boo was still there, for even they heard of how he single handedly bested Mario twice, and anyone who could do that was a force to be reckoned with.

“I’m so glad you’re still a bonehead, my friend.” King Boo said off handedly to Bowser’s unconscious body before turning around to properly greet his favorite princess. “Let’s get out of here before he wakes up, my dear. I don’t want to confuse him any more than he already will be when he wakes up.”

“What exactly did you do to him?” Peach asked curiously, still bewildered that all King Boo did was poke him and he fell unconscious.

“I actually erased his memory of you, it should keep him at bay for a while. Though I mainly focused on the earliest memory in hopes that it’ll sort of be like a grandfather paradox in that in a domino effect it will erase the rest of his memories of you as well. However, if he loves you enough, his mind will break through it even if I left his memories of Mario intact, and that’s hoping that former plumber will be enough to distract him from any thought of you.” King Boo explained, and then made himself bigger for how he was going to carry the princess out of here. He had held items within himself before but not people personally even though he knew it was possible if Pink Boos could do it.

“Oh…Well, I suppose we can only hope it works then.” She replied uneasily, but only because she wasn’t sure as to why he made himself bigger. Thankfully he explained that too before he did anything more so he could get her permission on it.

“I’m going to carry you out the Boo way, alright? So just keep calm and keep all hands and arms inside my ghostly innards at all times. I know that sounds wrong, but it is what it is, you know.”

Peach giggled at the ride safety joke and agreed for how he wanted to go about this. At her nod he phased through her to phase her into him and she automatically went into a sitting position after her gasp of initial shock of how weird this all felt and looked since he was a little bit see through since she was somewhat inside him. After he adjusted to her weight he flew off out an open window he spotted upon first coming in here.

“I’m not too heavy am I?” Peach couldn’t help but ask worriedly, noticing that he was a little slower than she had seen him go before and it was most likely because of her.

“What? Oh, no, no, I’m just being careful is all. Trust me, my dear, you’re light as a feather, but if you want me to go faster I will. I can also take the scenic route if you want since we have the time.” He told her honestly.

“Ok then, um, just a notch faster would be nice, and sure, we can take the scenic route.” She replied as she managed to turn herself a little on her invisible seat inside him so that to anyone else, it looked like she was riding side saddle.

He chuckled not only because he was pleased with her response but also at her movement was a little ticklish but since it was quick he was able to gather himself.

“As you wish, my dear!” He had to yell over the wind as he took it exactly one notch faster and veered off his initial path of heading straight for the castle in favor of taking in some sights. Such as whisking through his neck of the woods and circling around his mansion for one loop before continuing on and heading out of the woods and flying over the ocean. He enjoyed hearing her excited giggles of the sights he showed her and at times he chuckled along with her as well since her laughter was contagious.

Eventually the sightseeing had to come to an end as they reached her castle. He dropped her off on her balcony by making sure her feet were close enough to the ground so she could get her footing and unphased so he could release her from his Booish hold. He was all set and ready to just fly off so he wouldn’t be spotted, but she stopped him by grabbing his nub of a hand.

“Wait! …Thank you…truly. You’ve done so much to help me over these past few months and I never knew how to thank you properly… But I do now since you went through the trouble of rescuing me from Bowser, for real this time. But again, thank you.” She told him genuinely, and closed her eyes and puckered her lips and waited. Her mental excuse for letting him have her first kiss was that he’d be easier to kiss than Mario ever was, what with the former plumber’s big nose and mustache being in the way.

King Boo’s jaw dropped, but only slightly so he wouldn’t end up drooling. If he could sweat in a panic he would have at the generous offer she presented him with. However he quickly gathered himself for the sake of pausing to do the noble thing, and put his free nub of a hand to her cheek and asked, “Are you absolutely sure you want to give the honor of what is most likely your first kiss to the likes of me?”

Peach nodded and added, “Villains are made, not born, and I know there’s plenty of good in you since you went out of your way to rescue me from Bowser, even in my dreams.” At his flattered smile, she closed her eyes, puckered her lips and waited again.

“As you wish, my dearest.” King Boo quipped before finally closing the distance between their faces.

As their lips met in that kiss, he swore he started blushing hard enough to turn into a Pink Boo, he could happily say she tasted just like her namesake, but that was just his opinion. Regardless, when she pulled away after a few seconds of what she felt was appropriate, his eyes had turned into yellow swirls of dizziness and he gently floated down as if he were a balloon that was filled with air rather than helium, and he even bounced off the ground in tiny measures like one. She giggled in flattery that her kiss was able to make him that unresponsive, oh, and he didn’t stay pink when he eventually came out of it.