#but Apollo's three different backstories are even worse

[quantomeno]

(Spoilers for the last three Ace Attorney games)

This joke has been sitting in my mind for ages and I finally decided to draw it:

For those who can't read my handwriting:

Apollo: I'm glad you're not guilty Nick! I've got news for you! I just discovered that Lamiroir is my mother, and Trucy is my half-sister and Sahdmadhi is my foster brother, and Gumshoe is my dog, and Mr Hat is my old Hoover vacuum cleaner, and ―

Phoenix: Gee, is this "Ace Attorney... or "Professor Layton and the Azran Legacy"?

It is a reference probably no one will get to a panel from an old Mad magazine Star Wars parody:

I wanted to make a Professor Layton version based on Azran Legacy, but the I felt the Ace Attorney version would be funnier. In honour of the original idea, I decided to reference AL in place of the TV show in the original.

Bonus scene:

Athena: Wasn't it lucky that Phoenix and Edgeworth were only second cousins... and could get married?!

Apollo: Yeah, great! But what a strange wedding this is! I've never ushered at a wedding where the guests were divided into THREE groups... The BRIDE's side of the family... the GROOM's side of the family... and the DEAD side of the family!!

I somehow put too much effort into this and not enough.

The referenced panel:

[makeowndestiny]

⏳ aisa?

FOR EVERY “⏳” I RECEIVE, MY MUSE WILL OPENLY TALK ABOUT A BIT OF THEIR BACKSTORY. | accepting

“You know what? I’m in a giving mood, I’ll give them the truth about us. With so many different depictions and with so little time in the actual myths, they need to be set straight. So, forget everything you’ve ever read or seen. This is the story of the Fates and how the Eldest came to live among the humans.

I am one of three. I am the Eldest of the Fates, Atropos if you don’t recognize the more common form of my name, the thread cutter. And my sisters and I were created around the same time that the humans first came on the scene. It was our job to help keep an eye on them, to help them grow, to help them live, to help them die. So we could never leave the spinning room. We’re weavers, you see. Clotho, the youngest spins the threads, creating new life. Lachesis, the middle sister, measures the threads, watching over their choices and guiding them to their fate. I, as I mentioned, am the thread cutter. I decide when they die and how they die.

Things were going well for awhile until Lachesis thought that my desire to actually go out and experience the human world as all the other gods and goddesses did meant that I would go back on my duties. It didn’t, for your information. I knew how fragile life was and how easily it could end. With just a snip of my shears life ceased before it went on to join what most call Heaven and what some call Hell. 

But she didn’t think that I should go and enjoy what we helped create because I did nothing but destroy. Things started getting worse when I finished for the day and we were meant to build a nation next. Instead of listening to me about how if I were to cut anymore threads that day it would cause panic among the humans, Lachesis created the first murder. She changed two brother’s fates. Abel was taken too soon and Cain became a murderer whose punishment was to bear this new nation on his shoulders.

After this, I met Apollo, and I admit I was too free with my heart. He said that he didn’t see me as a destroyer, as a harbinger of destruction and I fell for it. For six months we were together and I thought I was in love but Apollo had other plans and he tricked me and my sisters into extending the life of a beloved king. This went against our rules and so as you can imagine, when the truth was revealed, because the bastard ended things the moment we did what he wanted, things between Lachesis and I weren’t exactly getting better.

So to teach me a lesson, she did it again. She cut a life short and I cut her thread in return. I didn’t kill her, her thread grew right back, we are immortal after all but when you kill your sister you get into an even bigger fight and create the great flood. When my sister and I finally stopped fighting, I left the spinning room where I ran into Hermes. 

Well, Hermes had a message for me. We took a trip down to Hell and he told me that if I killed my sister again, that I would be sent out of the Silver City and placed in Hell where I would not be able to roam freely even if I was better friends with those in the underworld than with those in the Silver City. (Hell and Heaven, come on keep up.) So I went back to the spinning room and I figured out a way that I could talk my way into remaining on Earth. I told the head honcho that I wanted to go live among the humans so I could get a better understanding for their deaths. I was given the green light and here I am over 330 years later setting the record straight.”

[radiantmists]

pjo + rqg?

(send me two+ fandoms and I’ll give you some thoughts about a crossover!)

Okay, juicy! I ended up spending way longer on this than 10 minutes but I had fun...

The obvious point of meeting is the greek gods being real in both settings, but the challenge with using that approach is that the gods in PJO function as actual characters, albeit powerful ones, whereas in RQG they're very removed forces of nature. They don't have specific interests for which they give quests; they have a sort of general value set and as long as you live by that, you have their favor. And compare the glimpse of Hades we get in RQG Rome with the portrayal of him in PJO-- very different, yeah?

(at this point i got distracted by something and when i came back i didn’t remember where the above was going, so i’m just gonna leave it there to contemplate)

But! I’m now thinking about the rqg cast as demigods, and specifically the fact that Zolf is like, older, which is established in PJO as an unusual thing for demigods and especially kids of the big three. And like, his brother died in a mining accident, so maybe that was Hades or some other god trying to kill him and getting Feryn instead. And so Zolf goes to sea where he’s not constantly harassed by Hades like he would be in a mine, and miraculously survives a shipwreck (or two?), probably thanks to his powers, and maybe one of those wrecks is partially caused by a monster that’s attracted to his demigod-ness so he’s got some more self-blame attached to that, but he’s also  got this weird relationship with Poseidon where he doesn’t want to be ungrateful for his own life being saved and his powers, but he also resents him for all the suffering that’s happened  around him because of his heritage, and that Poseidon hadn’t shielded his family and friends at all.

So he comes on shore after his last shipwreck, having lost the leg to whatever monster there is, and he decides that now that he’s got no one he’s really attached to, he’s going to just fight some monsters. And one day he comes upon some girl getting attacked, and wades in.

Sasha  in this scenario would be a child of Hermes, which I especially like because iirc children of Hermes get basically no powers, they just tend to be sneaky and have the base demigod build. She never knew her mortal parent, and instead got picked up by Barrett, who’s most likely a mortal who can see through the Mist and keeps some monsters on the payroll as well as some demigods to keep them in line. he doesn’t tell her a lot about the grander system, just makes use of her abilities. At some point she’d encountered Eldarion, who’s some kind of minor immortal, maybe a dryad or something, who plays the role of Chiron but... worse. 

Sasha gets away, but out of Eldarion’s protection the monsters who work for Barrett track her down, and this is when she meets Zolf. She’s a bit leery of him at first because the other fully-adult demigods she’s met have all worked for Barret and made questionable compromises of morality in  order to stay alive, but she’s  starting to realize that she genuinely can’t make it on her own, so she agrees to travel with him when he asks. For his part, Zolf is like gdi I can’t believe I’m getting attached to someone again, this always ends badly, but he can hardly leave her to fend for herself either, right?

Within a fairly short window of meeting each other, maybe the same encounter actually, they come across Hamid, who has no idea about any of this myth stuff. Neither of them can figure out who his godly parent is bc he manifests some accidental fire powers, but he really doesn’t seem like any child of Hephaestus they’ve met. Zolf also really can’t leave this one to fend for himself because he has no freaking clue what’s going on and is horrified by killing monsters. He’s not sure how Hamid survived this long by himself.

So they go off together and eventually encounter Wilde, who’s mortal but the Oracle of Apollo. The idea of prophecies and fate has always vaguely infuriated Zolf, plus Wilde is still Wilde, so they don’t get off on a good note, but you also can’t ignore prophecies, so when he says he’s been  guided to them and then goes all funny and vomits a poem that, when recited back to him, he scoffs at the quality of, they don’t much have a choice.

The prophecy probably involves them foiling some plot by a child of Hades, which is maybe why Hades has been so aggressive toward Zolf in the past; along the way they discover that Hamid is actually the child of a monster, specifically a dragon, which iirc is a thing in actual greek myth even if i can’t remember it coming up in PJO. (this is how he’s survived so long; monsters aren’t drawn to him bc he’s not a demigod). 

hamid, i think, figures this out a bit before the rest of the group, and is very freaked out by how his friends will react to it so he keeps it secret. the secret gets blown wide open soon after they meet grizzop, who joined the hunters of artemis bc she’s cool and because immortality and is now off away from the others, tracking some monster involved in the main plot. i think when they reconvene with the hunters, one of them recognizes what hamid is, and then there’s a whole drama where the others have to deal with the revelation while also preventing him from being killed.

wilde manages to be pretty useful despite being mortal and they all get attached to their squishy poet friend, especially when the fact that he never quite asked to be an Oracle and the way it messes with him becomes clear to them.

azu is a child of aphrodite and probably comes from a place where there is a more camp half-blood claiming, group training structure, but she’s definitely the black sheep of the aphrodite group because while love is important to her, she’s really interested in fighting. when whatever oracle they have tells them an aphrodite person has to go on a quest she’s pretty universally nominated, not that she has a problem with that.

cel is a sorceror person along the lines of medea or circe but less evil; i’m not sure where exactly they fit into the plot though. ed is also definitely a child of Apollo in this, and the things with dyslexia and adhd from PJO canon definitely come into play in his backstory as the black sheep of his own family.

zolf and,  to a lesser extent, sasha, tend to come into conflict with grizzop and azu who buy into the whole ‘greatness of gods’ and ‘fate’ stuff a lot more. azu starts to get somewhat disillusioned of all this as the quest goes on and she sees what being a hero actually means. zolf gets into a lot of shouting matches with poseidon, though i think in this universe it would be reparable bc poseidon is a bit more like PJO poseidon who isn’t perfect but is less of a remote dickhead.

i don’t exactly know how things resolve immediately, but an epilogue would definitely be sasha establishing a sort of school/home/camp for demigods that doesn’t push them into roles the way the ones azu and she knew tended to do, and focuses more on giving them a safe place and enough fighting skill to survive, as well as a community who understand, the way zolf helped her. 

[overheard-at-camp-half-blood]

A Rant About Heroes of Olympus Character Arcs.

Just as a warning most of this is negative, but I put the names in big bold letters, in case you want to skip. I do have some controversial opinions in here, specifically towards Percy and Annabeth, and their relationship, but I don’t think I’m negative towards their actual characters... I more so critique how it could have been written better.

I do still love the series, and even though I poke fun at Rick a bit, I still like him as a writer (though I recognize the problematic elements in this story). These are my own opinions on the books, and I’m sorry if I criticize your character in ways you don’t like.

Also, I may do another post about some other problematic elements, so be on the lookout for that.

Percy

Let’s start with Percy, shall we? After all, he is the one who started it all, and he was the one who introduced us to this world. If I’m being extremely honest, and I know I’m going to get hate for this, but I think Percy’s arc should have ended in the first series. He could have still remained a major character in this series, but I think as far as his main arc went, it wrapped up better in the first series, because I feel like this series added nothing to his arc.

I mean, he and Annabeth went through some majorly traumatic shit in The House of Hades, and then nothing was done about it, and I feel like it would just be better had it not happened. Besides I have some major issues with how his relationship with Annabeth played out.

Annabeth

I was really excited for Annabeth, and I did like her arc in MoA. It seemed like a good continuation of her arc in the first series, where Annabeth wanted to prove herself to everyone else, and now she wanted to prove herself to... well, herself. The arc had potential, and I really enjoyed seeing her arc in MoA, but as I said, I didn’t like how her and Percy’s relationship ship played out.

Now, let me preface this by saying that I am NOT anti-Percabeth, in fact, I do post a lot about it on this blog, but I am critical of how Rick writes established relationships. Perhaps it is because I’m older, so therefore my mind is more critical of these sorts of things.

I love Percabeth, but I really dislike their codependency.... I mean Annabeth’s arc in MoA was great because there was a focus on her relationship with Percy, but it was still about her. And yeah, I understand they’ve been through a lot together, but I really don’t like how their development was dependent on each other.

The reason why I put this under Annabeth and not Percy is because for me, it was much worse for Annabeth, because this was our first time getting this from her perspective. We got to see Percy develop through his own eyes, but we never really got the same for Annabeth. Most of Annabeth’s development was through Percy’s eyes, which was why I was so excited that Annabeth was getting her own POV.

And it was great in MoA! But after that, it honestly felt to me that her story was more about her relationship with Percy, than Annabeth herself.

Jason

Jason was doomed from the beginning.

That’s the main issue, is in the beginning, he was literally a blank slate, and while we were worried about the mystery of his character, there was really no way for us to know who he was as a person, because HE didn’t even know. So, as he was introduced at the same time as Piper and Leo, he didn’t get the same development as Piper and Leo. As we learned the other two’s backstories, and how those backstories represent who they are in the current story.

And the thing is, when we finally DID find out who he was, it was too late to do anything with it, because the story ended. I think by the time Blood of Olympus rolled around, and we did learn more about him... a lot of people had no interest in him.

That being said, I love fanon Jason, and I didn’t like how he was treated in the Trials of Apollo series.

Piper

Piper... I have a very complicated relationship with Piper. I kind of wrote this several times, because I couldn’t quite pinpoint my issues with Piper, and she is such a controversial character for whatever reason, and whatever I say will be perceived as me hating on her. That is not the case. I like the idea of Piper’s character, though I can agree she, as well as the other Aphrodite children, are written with sexist tropes, which is another post.

My main issue with Piper is that most of her development happens off the page. In the first few books, she her charmspeak is shown getting her in a lot of trouble, and she often lacks confidence when using it. My issue is the resolution for this happens mainly off the page.

A huge internal conflict with Piper is her lack of self confidence, which is something that I personally can relate to, but we never see her develop that confidence, we’re just told that it happened. Like she worked with Hazel and Annabeth on xyz, so suddenly she is much better and confident in her abilities of xyz. This kind of made her hard for me to connect with her in general, because it seems like most of her struggles happened off page.

This isn’t even just with her overall character; it’s with her relationship with other characters. We do see her friendship with Leo develop to some extent, but that’s because they already had an established friendship before the series started. Her other relationships? Jason and Piper went from barely knowing each other to dating between books. We never saw her friendship with Annabeth develop. She apparently was friends with Hazel, but that happened off the page.

Now, this happened to each character to some degree, but I think Piper got hit the hardest with the “tell, don’t show,” thing. I do think that because a lot of people didn’t like Piper, and imo, most of the criticisms were bullshit, Rick tried to overcompensate by trying to force development on her, without doing the work of showing us her development.

Leo

To be honest, his wasn’t as bad as others, but I feel like more people were disappointed, because he was a relatable fan-favorite. His arc went wrong for the exact opposite reasons as Piper’s, as there was legitimately a lot of development on the page, and he had a good arc set up, but Rick literally forgot everything that initially made his character so likeable to the audience.

So, here’s my thing with Leo’s arc; it was really good for the first three books, as Rick did develop him while leaving room for more development in new books. He also had a consistent arc; in The Lost Hero his arc was about his inferiority complex, which was directly connected to his trauma. He never felt like he had a home, and never felt like he belonged.

This was the direction I was hoping they would go with the “seventh wheel” storyline; meaning, yeah, he’s the only one in the seven who’s not in a relationship, but why does this bother him so much? Because, I don’t think it was the fact that he was in a relationship, I think it was trauma.

I so badly wanted the seventh wheel plot line to be an extension of what happened in TLH, but it became ignored, and it just seemed like a reason to put him in a relationship.

I’m not going to sit here and say that Leo shouldn’t have been in a relationship (though I will say I had an issue with Caleo), but I will say that I hate how a relationship was supposed to solve his feelings of inferiority- when it’s clearly indicated that Leo had those feelings because of trauma. A relationship can’t reverse years of trauma.

I also thought it would be so much more impactful if Leo made his sacrifice because of his feelings of inferiority, then perhaps the resurrection happens through one of his friends.

Hazel

I fucking hate how little Hazel (and Frank) were written into the series, especially considering she was one of my favorite new characters introduced in HoO. I also think she had the most potential, and her backstory was the most intriguing of the seven.

Why the hell was she not in the books more? Rick literally wrote a whole ass book in the series that mostly centered around the two already developed characters of the series, but he couldn’t give Hazel and Frank more POVs?

I don’t have anything to say about Hazel’s arc, because she barely HAD one, at least not after her initial one in SoN. The Sammy arc was made about Leo, which I get to some extent, as they sort of have a connection through Sammy. That being said, Leo never actually knew Sammy, and I feel like the flashback scene would have been so much more impactful from Hazel’s POV.

The biggest issue with that is it didn’t really feel like a way to develop any of the characters, but it was used as a way to justify a love triangle... that was barely even a love triangle.

In conclusion, Hazel was screwed over.

Frank

Frank, oh I have some things to say about the writing of Frank’s character, because my issue with Frank’s writing is a combination of the off-the-page development that happened with Piper, and the lack of POVs issue with Hazel, but to different degrees. Most of my issues with this comes from between Heroes of Olympus and Trials of Apollo

See, I do think his lack of POVs contributing to his lack of character development, you know what pisses me off?

The fire stick thing was a HUGE part of his character arc. It caused him legitimate fear and partially affected his relationship to some of the others (coughLeocough). And the resolution? Happened between series, and it’s literally mentioned in passing. What the fuck, Rick?

I don’t know, to me, it just seemed like a betrayal to his whole character arc, because we saw him struggle so much because of this, and the resolution just happened off page? I can just rant about how annoyed I am by that, because it just felt like Rick realized he forgot about Frank, and resolved his whole internal conflict off the page.

Nico

I love Nico! But, of course, I do have my criticisms of his character.

First of all, I really enjoyed how we got his point of view in Heroes of Olympus, but I really just wish he was part of the seven to begin with, for a number of reasons. First of all, it just makes sense- it’s indicated that he is the only demigod who knows about both camps... so wouldn’t it make sense that he would be part of the plan to reunite them? Don’t get me wrong, he does play a big role in this anyways, but it’s kind of weird that he just knows, and nobody thinks, “Hey, maybe we should include Nico!”

Another huge issue I had, was Nico’s coming out scene was in Jason’s point of view... which I get, because I’m reality, he wasn’t one of the seven... but it just seems fucked up? I mean I like headcanons of Nico and Jason’s friendship, but the unfortunate truth is... they didn’t actually know each other.

In fact, Nico wasn’t really that close to any of the seven- he was probably closest to Percy, and even he didn’t know that much about him at times. It just felt weird, not only seeing Nico come out in someone else’s POV, but in a POV of someone he barely even knew.

Also the fact he was forced to come out... I see the intentions, but it’s just not a good look.

Reyna

Reyna... don’t have any issues against Reyna, other than I wish we had more time with her before the last book. She was such an interesting character and I needed more of her.

[what-even-is-thiss]

I love learning new mythology stuff if you want to go in depth about your ideas! Admittedly I know the most about Greek mythology, so you might have to give more details on any other myths you use.

I know the most about Greek/Roman and Norse mythology and a bit from my ancient Egyptian obsession I had back in sixth grade, but I’ve dabbled just a little in Polynesian, Japanese, and Celtic mythology, as well as several folktales from around Europe and one or two Aztec myths, and I’ve been meaning to do some research on the Orisha from eastern Africa I think it is, but haven’t gotten around to it.

Anyways, I’ve been developing a bit of a complicated mythology themed universe in my head and it only gets more confusing as I add more pantheons to the list, so for right now for this explaination I’ll stick with the Greek, Norse, and Egyptian ones, and maybe touch a bit on the Hawaiian stuff, but I’m not as comfortable putting that out there because I’m not overly well read on that yet.

I’m putting a cut here for anybody that doesn’t want to read this, because it gets long and complicated, and I’m not even close to being done with it, and I’m giving you all the simplified version.

So, the beginnings of my idea started when I was reading that wonderful wonderful author Rick Riordin. Specifically a short story crossover between his Egyptian and Greek series. This got me wondering if I could possibly make any of these pantheons coexist long term.

So, I began with what I call cross-pantheon deities. These are children of gods/goddesses from different pantheons. But then I had to figure out a way that these gods could meet each other.

So, the gods of old in this universe are a magical species I call manas deva from the Sanskrit words for “invented” and “god”. They are beings that came to exist because of human belief, and are a bit more contained and limited than the traditional idea of gods, but still the most powerful beings in this universe. And now that they exist, they can go do things like screw a few mortals and dink around with the weather just for the hell of it.

So once in a while you’ll get someone, (probably Zeus if we’re being honest) hanging around a mortal pub or something disguised as a mortal, and another disguised god or goddess disguised as a mortal, and since the pantheons shouldn’t interact with each other they don’t know what to look out for and therefore don’t know they’ve made a huge mistake until the morning after when they both decide to mention oh yeah you just did the thing with a god bye.

And that’s where the cross-pantheon characters come from.

I’m still working on characters and plot, but my main characters are this guy Deon, who is a cross-pantheon son of Zeus Greek god of lightning and being a terrible womanizer, and Freja, Norse goddess of beauty, war, and uh, fertility. The other main character is his twin sister Talin, which is also his half sister. (And yeah, fraternal twins can have different biological dads, it happens look it up) Her dad is Ra, god of the sun and everybody worshiped him in ancient Egypt it was just the cool thing to do.

Our buddy Deon doesn’t like either side of his family, but he kind of depends on them because his immortality is all wonky. Norse deities stay young by eating special golden apples distributed by the goddess of youth and can be killed, whereas Greek gods are just eternally young and can’t die. Deon got an awkward combination of these traits and can’t be killed but still ages, so he has to keep both sides of his family okay with him and not run off to join the mortals or something, because he can’t die and there are complications like lost limbs that can come from that, and he keeps aging, so he needs those sweet sweet golden apples to keep looking like a fresh twenty something, because who wants to spend all of eternity with joint pain? One of his best friends, Asger, son of Aphrodite, son of Odin, has the opposite problem. He’s eternally young but can be killed.

Talin hates her dad and would like to just stay in Vanaheim with her brother and favorite cousins all the time(also she might have a girlfriend there but I haven’t invented her yet), but keeps going back to the sun and puts up with her dad because there are several people there in the realm of gods and spirits that depend on her. I’m still thinking through her motivations and backstory, but she’s shaping up to be quite dangerous. She’s loud and slightly violent and is confrontational in a good way. She believes she knows what is right and will fight for it. She and Deon make nice foils for each other because he is much quieter and shy and prefers a more sneaky or indirect approach to conflict and doesn’t see morals as something set in stone. He has charming abilities and will use his magic to get what he wants, all the while making the other person believe it was their idea. So, she’s the huntress, he’s the trickster. Neither of them are overly gorgeous by society’s standards but have the ability to trick people into thinking that they are because their mom is a love goddess. Does that make sense?

I’ve got all kinds of other side characters I’m working on. None of them are overly developed at this point, but here’s some of my more well thought out ones.

I’m calling this one Jessie for now. She/her Greek/Hawaiian. Dad is Kanaloa, Hawaiian god of the underworld and magic, mom is Kymopoleia, Greek Goddess of sea storms. You’d expect somebody with that parentage to be pretty volatile, and you’d be right. Pansexual Demigirl that’s best friends with Deon and Asger and Deon is a trans guy as of right now, but I might change that later, but anyways, Jessie and Deon first got to know each other as of right now because they both wanted a trans friend and she got to know Asger through Deon. But like I said, I’m thinking about changing a few things we’ll see how it goes.

Apollo. Yes, that Apollo. He looked away from the mirror just long enough to be one of Deon’s mentors and teach him how to shoot. This is a modern day story, so that includes guns as well as bows and arrows. Don’t get the impression he’s a good person here. He’s not. He just chooses to care about his siblings sometimes.

Asger. he/him My one straight cis character. I needed one in there. He’s the son of Aphrodite Greek goddess of love and Odin, leader of the Norse aesir gods. He became friends with Deon after finding out he also had a love goddess mom and they bonded over how their moms are both just the worst. He’s incredibly strong and people often call him if they need a giant or dragon disposed of and Thor isn’t avalible. He’s also good friends with Talin and they bond over being kind of violent. They both like weapons and fighting and whatnot. The Norse gods find them to be fun at parties.

Eric, Dalia, and Astrid. Not much of a backstory for these three yet, but they are former demigods that were made gods after the Norse deities found them useful. They deliver messages, because I noticed the Norse pantheon has a god of messengers, but they don’t have a god whose job it is to deliver messages, so I invented the story of the four messengers. One for each season. Eric son of Loki in the winter, Astrid daughter of Thor in the spring, Dalia daughter of Tyr in the fall, and Deon is the summer messenger. This is an interesting device, because all four of these characters are very powerful and useful, but one of them is missing at any given time, because during the season they work they are busy almost all of the time and the only way to get a hold of them is to deliver a message. I’ve got a whole complicated story planned out how they were all added one at a time over the course of a few centuries, but this post is getting too long anyways.

Freja. Goddess of beauty and war. She runs a house of fallen warriors that are training for ragnarok, same as Valhalla. She seems ditzy and is basically the world’s worst beauty pageant mom, but if you piss her off you will suffer a fate worse than any of the underworld gods/goddesses could imagine for you. Do not cross her. She can run in heels.

Zeus. I don’t need to talk about this guy, do I? He sucks. He just really sucks. Get him out of my face. He’s a horribly abusive parent.

Ra. Good king, bad dad. Argues with other sun gods/goddesses. Sol never has any time to talk to him because she’s being chased by a wolf. For crying out loud, Ra. Stay in your lane. Focus on your own thing. This is why you have like three cross-pantheon kids.

Yeah, those are the more developed ones. I have tons more, but I don’t think I have time to get into those.

As for what kind of plot I’d have in this context? That’s a little fuzzy. I’m thinking something like demigods and minor deities are going missing, and since the gods can’t exactly throw demigods or mortal heroes at the problem, because the problem is that they’re disappearing they send some cross pantheon gods because they’re pretty much on the lowest rung right above mortals in these godly societies and their parents don’t really care for them that much. So, it would probably follow several characters on their quest to find out what the freak is going on and why all these spirits and demigods and favored mortals are disappearing across so many pantheons.

That probably leads to all kinds of shenanigans, including various figures from these mythologies that aren’t supposed to meet crossing paths. I like to imagine a scene ending with Asger smashing in some Greek monster’s head with Mjolnir or a similar Norse weapon. Probably Typhon. Can we have Typhon, a giant monster with insane features and probably bigger than mount everest get defeated by a tap from Thor’s hammer? Please and thank you?

Anyways, it’ll probably be a very long time before I get all of my thoughts together enough to actually get a screenplay together because this is taking a lot of sorting out and it would probably be several movies long, but there’s the bare bones of my mythology themed universe for you. It all takes place in modern day, so imagining Apollo sitting on the couch eating cereal and watching the golden girls on Netflix is totally something you can do, and something I have done, obviously.

Thanks for reading all of that. It’s kind of a lot.

[wifeofbath]

Wife of Bath Watches BSG ‘78: “The Man With Nine Lives”

As I announced back in January, I’ve been slowly going through the original Battlestar Galactica, mostly for Dirk Benedict’s fluffy, fluffy hair and Fred Astaire.  The latter finally shows up in this episode, “The Man with Nine Lives”, as the mysterious con artist Chameleon (pronounced with a “sh” because this show follows its own rules).  No surprise to anyone that Astaire is absolutely charming, and he has some good scenes, both with Benedict and Lorne Greene who plays Commander Adama.

The previous episode was a two-parter where the crew of the Galactica had a run-in with Space Satan and some seriously glam “angels”. I am not joking.  Following that traumatic experience, Adama decided to give the crew some time off, and several of the pilots take the first shuttle to the Rising Star, the pleasure ship.  And no, “pleasure” is not a euphemism for “brothel”. Although, we never see if there is a compartment on the ship devoted to such activities, so who knows?  I’m more intrigued that there is a whole ship set up like a Vegas nightclub.

On the shuttle to the Rising Star, Starbuck is giddy with excitement to play the tables with his new strategy, while the long-suffering Apollo fears Starbuck is going to lose all their money (they’re very married).  Meanwhile, on another shuttle, the Quality has arrived and is watching a recruitment video on what I guess is the fleet’s version of PBS. 

This scene is important for a couple of reasons. First, it also gives us some of Starbuck’s backstory: he’s an orphan, uncertain of his age, with no memory of his early childhood.  It also gives us a look at Chameleon and how quickly he collects information and can spin a story to his advantage.  Watching Astaire during this moment is interesting because it’s unclear how much he is gleaning for future use and how much of his attentiveness comes from a genuine curiosity in Starbuck’s life.

Arriving on the Rising Star, Chameleon smoothly schmoozes up to the wealthy and generous Siress Blassie, who to her credit, seems to see through Chameleon’s cons, but he’s so cute that she’s willing to tolerate it.  They head out onto the dance floor where the Green Men’s pastel cousins are performing some sort of interpretive dance. 

Oh BSG, never change. 

Chameleon and Blassie head out onto the dance floor to show these ‘70s kids how it’s done…except we can’t see anything.  According to Wikipedia, this was the last time Astaire danced onscreen. 

Seriously, this is all we see.  I feel cheated!  Cheated!  Also feeling cheated, though for different reasons, are the mysterious robed newcomers, the Borellian nomen.  It’s not clear exactly what the nomen are, except they’re human with really big eyebrows that lived on a desert planet before the Cylons destroyed it.  Yeah, nomen=nomads.  Catching sight of Chameleon making a quick escape, the youngest nomen looses his cool and activates his sparkly balls, sorry, laser boles. The room clears, and Boomer, ever the voice of reason, manages to get the young nomen to discharge his laser boll at a column, so it won’t explode.  The leader says the youngest just got excited, but Boomer and Jolly suspect otherwise.  Borelian nomen don’t interact with any of the other colonists unless they’re on a “blood hunt”.  Hmm, no idea who they could be after.

In the casino, Starbuck is gambling to his wee heart’s content, while Apollo hovers anxiously.  This catches Chameleon’s attention, who discreetly points out the flaw in Starbuck’s system.  Impressed, Starbuck and Apollo introduce themselves, and they and Chameleon go get drinks. 

So married.

Chameleon explains that while he was a professional gambler once upon a time, he’s now a genetic tracer, sounding a lot like early DNA testing, although this was a few years before that became a thing.  Specifically, Chameleon specializes in reunited orphans with their families, which of course, catches Starbuck’s attention. 

Chameleon says his wife died on Caprica and his son went missing. Again, it’s unclear how much Chameleon is lying and how much he is telling the truth.  The chance of Chameleon being his father is enough for Starbuck to accept him as family, and Chameleon announces that, coincidentally, the equipment to make the test is aboard the Galactica.  Chameleon and Starbuck get to know each other, while Apollo, Boomer, and Jolly find the nomen stalking outside.  Again, the youngest one gets a little too hotheaded, which makes the leader strip him of his rank and kick him out of the tribe.  His face during this moment is great.

“Well, them’s the breaks.”

Now is a good time to mention that the leader, Maga, is played by character actor Lance LeGault.  This is LeGault’s second appearance on BSG.  A few years later, he would go onto play Colonel Decker on The A-Team.  I was hoping he would have a scene with Benedict, and I was not disappointed.  During these scenes, LeGault’s character talks a lot about “the code”, and I was half expecting him to add in an pirate-y “Argh!” or two with that deep voice of his.

On the shuttle back to the Galactica, Starbuck and Chameleon keep getting to know each other, while Sheba, who’s honestly a bit of a ditz, coos happily how wonderful it is that Starbuck’s found his father.  Boomer, again the voice of reason, puts two and two together and announces his suspicion that the nomen are after Chameleon.  This arouses Apollo’s concerns.  Once on the Galactica, Cassiopeia, former courtesan-turned-nurse and Starbuck’s main love interest, runs a rudimentary test that determines that Chameleon and Starbuck are possibly related but nothing conclusive.  That’s enough for Starbuck, who has already started calling Chameleon dad. Meanwhile, Apollo voices his concerns to his own father.  Apollo wants nothing more than for Starbuck to be happy, so even having these suspicions makes Apollo feel like a “equinus’ atrum”, and frack I love BSG’s way of getting crap past the radar in terms of swears.  Adama suggests Apollo runs some discrete background checks to see if Chameleon’s story holds up.  Despite Apollo’s best efforts, though, Starbuck finds out about the background checks.  No surprise, he is not pleased and declares his friendship with Apollo and Boomer over.  Oh Starbuck, you drama queen.  Starbuck stalks off to show Chameleon the viper ships, while Colonel Tigh announces that there are no records of Chameleon.  Will wonders never cease.

Could have been worse.  He could have shoved Apollo to the ground.

Inside the launch bay, there is another cute scene of Starbuck pointing out all the switches and buttons to Chameleon. Starbuck declares that he’s planning to quit the fleet and join Chameleon on his work.  Chameleon tries to talk him out of it, but Starbuck is convinced. 

It’s a good little character moment for Starbuck.  Part of his decision obviously stems from his anger at Apollo, but Starbuck is also genuine in his desire to help people.  The way he talks about reuniting orphans with their families is quite sweet and softly spoken and shows how deeply Starbuck can feel about something that has affected his life so much.  Their moment is interrupted, though, when the nomen, who sneaked aboard the Galactica with new recruits, attack. Chameleon hides in the viper while we get this great Western shot of Starbuck and the nomen. 

I quite like this shot.  For multiple reasons.

They nearly manage to get the best of Starbuck, but Chameleon intervenes, shooting the nomen with the viper’s lasers.  The others arrive just in time.  Somehow the nomen survived and are put into custody.  In Adama’s council room, we get the whole story. Chameleon had conned the nomen, and once they found out and put a hit on him.  Starbuck reconciles with Apollo and Boomer, although he is disappointed that Chameleon was just pretending to be his father.  But wait!  Cassiopeia privately tells Chameleon the tests were positive.  Cassie is delighted, but Chameleon tells her not to tell Starbuck.  Starbuck has a good life onboard the Galactica, and Chameleon does not want him to give that up in an attempt to reconnect with his con artist father.  He might tell Starbuck one day, maybe when he gets married.  Cassie scoffs at the idea of Starbuck committing to one woman (two or three, yes, and throw Apollo in there for good measure), but Chameleon knows better.  For now, Chameleon is satisfied being Starbuck’s mentor and friend.

“The Man with Nine Lives” is a filler episode with no major impact on BSG’s story arc, but it provides some nice insight and development for Starbuck’s character.  As I stated, Fred Astaire is charming and likable, and Chameleon’s scenes with Starbuck are enjoyable.  There was a deleted scene, which I wish had been kept but must have been cut for time, where Chameleon and Adama discuss their fatherly feelings toward Starbuck.  Watching this episode, it was almost impossible not to compare it to “Family Reunion” from The A-Team, which also deals with Benedict’s character Face finding out about his parentage.  Interestingly in that episode, Murdock gets the role of both Apollo and Cassiopeia regarding Face’s father, but that is a discussion for another day.  “The Man with Nine Lives” is much lighter in tone than the somber “Family Reunion”.  Throughout the episode, I was afraid Chameleon would make some sort of heroic sacrifice to save Starbuck’s life.  Thankfully, he made it to the end in one piece.

[forthegothicheroine]

Kamigami No Asobi recap, episode 2: You’ve Met the Best, Now Meet the Rest

As I understand it, this anime was based on a visual novel, which explains a lot; shows adapted from games have to either pick one of the routes or make up their own, and they simply can’t focus on everyone with multiple endings.  As such, some characters are going to get the short end of the stick.

It’s time to meet those characters!

We open on Apollo sweeping Yui off her feet for a cheek kiss, much to her shock and consternation.  Apollo has a very shaky understanding of the concept that maybe not all girls want to kiss him, and so is quite thrown by this.  He tries to claim that it’s how people greet each other where he comes from, and it’s all a big misunderstanding due to her being Japanese.  (Do I have any Greek readers?  Can you confirm if this is bullshit?)

Apollo does his best to smooth this over by whistling for Pegasus, on the theory that pretty winged horses make girls happy.  She bonds with the horse, and Apollo comes up with the first of many irritating nicknames he will give to characters on this show.  He asks if he can call her Fairy, and I’m a little confused by why Apollo of all people would ask this.  I assume it’s either a pun in Japanese that I don’t get, or else the word he’s trying to call her is Nymph and it’s being poorly translated.

At least this nickname is flattering.  They will get worse.

Balder watches jealously as Apollo and Yui have a romantic Pegasus ride, setting up our main romantic rivalry.  Balder and Apollo are going to be the cheif contendors for Yui’s heart, so get ready to see a lot of the Blonde Bishie Bunch.

Zeus finally deigns to make another appearance, imperious as always.  As a side note, I like to think about him talking to Hera about this project before it started.

“I’m off to abduct a teenage girl-”

“You know I’m just going to kill her, right?”

“-and use her to make Hades and Apollo look like idiots.”

“Ah, my mistake.  Carry on the good work!”

Anyway, back to the show.  He addresses all of the gods (calling Loki the god of fire, which...is not the way I usually hear Loki described), and we get a glimpse of the gods not important enough to be featured in the first episode, Thor and Dionysus.

Contrary to most depictions, Thor is more otter than bear in physique.  He also has a really stupid green undercut with a lightening bolt shaved into the side.  I am positive Loki did this to him while he was asleep and he still hasn’t noticed.

Dionysus is called the “god of fertility”, and I’m not even going to begin to address that.  His poofy pink mullet is the second-worst hair on the show after Loki’s, but I’m perfectly willing to believe Dionysus cycles through different raver hairstyles as the whim strikes him.  I hope another whim strikes him soon.

There’s also a brief glimpse of Anubis, but we won’t get a good look at him for a while yet.

I’ve got to ask, in the development of this show (or the game it was based on), did they ever consider having Jesus?  I know he shows up in Ruroni Kenshin and Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure, so there’s precedent.  It’s not that I want Bishie Anime Jesus, I just want to know if they got to the concept art stage with him.

Also, let’s address the elephant in the room: this is a romance anime, and like half of these gods have wives.  There are three possible ways to think about this:

The gods are cheating (or want to cheat) on their wives with Yui.  This makes me sad, but I guess it happens in myths all the time…

This show takes place in a universe where those marriages didn’t happen.  This seems the most likely, given that the rest of the plot plays fast and loose with mythological retcons, but also throws everything I think I might know about anyone’s backstory into chaos.

Zeus didn’t abduct adult gods and de-age them- he actually abducted their teenage selves.  Hades hasn’t kidnapped Persephone yet, Dionysis hasn’t waylaid Ariadne yet.  This theory brings up more questions than it answers, but I kind of like it.

Anyway, pick a theory and let’s move on.

With the exception of Apollo, the other gods vehemently do not want to participate in Zeus’ dating sim.  Sucks to be them, because he responds to this rebellion by putting magical shackles in the form of accessories on everyone, keeping them from using their full godly powers until they have learned about humanity and love.  Not only that, but they’re going to have a full on High School AU where they have to attend classes and graduate in order to get out of their prison, with all the students other than the gods and Yui being some kind of weird fairy energy constructs.  Enjoy calculus, Loki!

Zeus is having way too much fun here.

We now meet the man in the shadows from last episode, Hot Dad Number Two, Who Does What the Goddesses Love, Thoth.

I have to say, I’m willing to give this whole project a little more respect if Thoth is in on it.  He probably wants a better outcome than just amusement.  Anyway, he’s going to be their teacher, which would be great if he wasn’t so into sexual harassy violations of personal space, but we’ll get to that later.

And by later I mean now.  Walking in the hallway with him, Yui protests that this is all somewhat silly, and he responds by pushing her up against a wall, his coat billowing and his chest bare.  Yes, the things he has to tell her are reassuring- that she’ll be restored to the exact time she came from, and that the magical girl sword necklace is eventually going to come in handy- but he did it in the least reassuring way imaginable.

When Yui goes to her new dorm room she meets Melissa, a horrifying sentient deep-voiced ragdoll Zeus accidentally created and then sent to be her friend.  Don’t ask me, I got nothing.

Meanwhile the gods are complaining, although they have a really awesome dorm with a hot spring so I don’t feel too sorry for them.  

At their first group meeting for school, Balder quizzes Yui about her relationship with Apollo.  She tells him that duh, they’ve all just been here for a single day, and he gloats that this means he met her first.  This conversation is innocent enough for now, but plants the hint that Balder may not be all sunshine and light.  Even though he is, in a literal sense, all sunshine and light.

The complete list of gods who bother to show up for this end up being him, Apollo and Tsukito.  They then go looking for the others, and find that Loki has drawn a dick on Takeru’s face while he was asleep.

Okay, so it’s actually a fish.  But it’s spiritually a dick.

When Yui tries to rope Hades in, he gives her more of his Edward-Cullen-but-cuter act, about how getting close to him will only bring her sorrow.  Thor says, and I quote, “If Loki isn’t going then I don’t need to.”  (‘But Loki did it!’ is a bad excuse for anything.)  At least they manage to get Dionysus, but my joy over that is marred by the fact that Apollo calls him Dee-Dee.

He is going to call him that for the entire rest of the show.

And so our heroes face the opening cermony with dignity and, in Apollo’s case, hope for an enjoyable year.  Apollo has clearly never been to high school before.

Ragnarok Clock

No closer than last time, but Loki and Thor do have an ominous conversation about their “destiny” regarding Balder.

Where is Odin?  During this episode, Odin is attending a performance of Wagner’s Ring Cycle, embarrassing Frigg by standing up every half hour and yelling “Get on with it!”

Team ___: Team Tsukito.  There’s a bit where he asks if the school’s opening ceremony will require a human sacrifice, and I find that charming.

Does Thoth push Yui up against a wall?  Yes.

[ntrending]

Buzz Aldrin sloshed around in pee on the moon (and 11 other Apollo facts)

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Buzz Aldrin sloshed around in pee on the moon (and 11 other Apollo facts)

There was probably pee inside the boot that made this print. (NASA/)

On July 20, 1969 our species took its first steps on an alien world. To celebrate the 50th anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing, here are a few facts you might not find in a history textbook.

If you like these weird facts, check out our hit podcast The Weirdest Thing I Learned This Week for loads more.

Buzz Aldrin did his moon walk while sloshing around in pee

“Buzz Aldrin often claims to be the first person to urinate on the moon,” Teasel Muir-Harmony, curator of the National Air and Space Museum’s Space History Department, tells PopSci. This is a frequent point of discussion in interviews about his role in the historic mission. But what many people don’t know is that the urination did not go according to plan.

“What’s unfortunate is that when he landed the lunar module, he landed so softly that the legs, which were designed to compress, didn’t,” Muir-Harmony explains. As a result, what was supposed to be a small step from the module to the surface was more of a giant leap. In the jolt of that surprising step down, Aldrin’s urine collection device broke. “So instead of going where it was supposed to, the liquid ended up collecting in one of his boots,” she says. “When he walked around the lunar surface he was kind of sloshing around.”

A historic moment for humankind indeed.

Astronauts could pretty much get Corvettes for free

A General Motors dealer offered some very-extra-cheap special lease terms to NASA fliers. It’s not clear whether all the Apollo 11 astronauts took advantage of this deal—but many of their colleagues did. This all started when astronaut Alan Shepard drove up to training in a ’57 Corvette, which prompted GM to gift him with a new car after he became the first American in space. NASA worried the association between astronauts and Corvettes appeared like an official endorsement, but the car had left the garage.

A lot of Apollo memorabilia has a very upsetting backstory

Ever heard of the Apollo insurance covers? Starting with Apollo 11, astronauts signed dozens or hundreds of autographs for the express purpose of supporting their families in the event of a disaster. Getting life insurance to cover your death on (or en route to) the moon came at astronomical costs—not even NASA’s insurance covered flight at the time—so crews found a way of creating their own insurance. The idea was that their loved ones could sell the memorabilia, which would become even more valuable if the astronauts died. Most of these have sold for around $5,000, but Armstrong’s—which his family held onto until quite recently—go for higher prices.

The practice once led to a scandal: In 1971, the crew of Apollo 15 decided to cash in on a deal from a stamp dealer and carry 400 unauthorized postal covers into space with them. Astronauts had brought memorabilia with them before, but in this case, the items weren’t properly approved as on-board personal items. The fact that each man accepted $7,000 for bringing them to space and back also angered NASA and the public. None of them ever flew in space again, and some of the postal covers were seized for a time.

The President was prepared for a catastrophe

President Nixon had a speech ready to go for the eventuality of Armstrong and Aldrin dying in the course of their mission. What’s especially creepy about this is that the text seems to elude to a scenario where the men have landed, but cannot get back to the orbiting Columbia vessel to get home. It’s hard to fathom how different our attitude toward space travel would be if NASA had listened to two men slowly run out of oxygen and die.

The moon has a smell

Many astronauts describe the odor of moon dust—which they’ve sniffed after tracking it back inside their landers on boots and suits—as smelling like spent gunpowder. Samples returned to Earth don’t seem to retain this odor.

Apollo 17 astronaut Jack Schmitt experienced what NASA refers to as the first recorded case of extraterrestrial hay fever: after his first walk on the surface, he removed his helmet and immediately became quite congested. He seems to have developed a tolerance pretty quickly, with his second and third ventures outside the lander triggering much milder reactions.

The Columbia had a smell, too: wet dog and farts

Space missions sound majestic in the abstract, but you only have to imagine the reality of three adults living and working in an enclosed space for days to realize it wasn’t always magical. In his book Carrying the Fire: An Astronaut’s Journey, Apollo 11 crew member Michael Collins recalls the foul odor of their vessel: “The right side of the lower equipment bay, wherein are located old launch day urine bags, discarded washcloths, and worse, is now a place to be avoided. The drinking water is laced with hydrogen bubbles (a consequence of fuel-cell technology which demonstrates that H2 and O join imperfectly to form H2O). These bubbles produce gross flatulence in the lower bowel, resulting in a not-so-subtle and pervasive aroma which reminds me of a mixture of wet dog and marsh gas.” This is still an improvement over Apollo 10’s in-flight atmosphere, which included a mysterious floating turd (or possibly several).

Speaking of space farts, NASA once looked into whether or not they might pose a fire hazard during spaceflight.

Armstrong hogged the camera

NASA was reportedly embarrassed to realize they had hardly any photos of the first man to walk on the moon. That’s because Aldrin and Armstrong were sharing one camera, and Armstrong held onto it for most of their two-and-half hour tour. NASA also realized after the fact how difficult it was to tell astronauts apart when they were in their suits, which prompted the agency to add personalized armbands for future missions.

No, Apollo astronauts didn’t have to go through customs in Hawaii

Sorry.

Yes, Apollo astronauts did have to spend four days in a trailer

The Apollo 11 crew was surely desperate for some fresh air and room to roam upon escaping the smelly confines of the Columbia, but they weren’t quite in the clear. The men were popped right into protective suits upon exiting the craft, and shuttled over to a converted Airstream trailer called the Mobile Quarantine Facility (MQF). They stayed there for 88 hours to ensure they wouldn’t expose the world to any “space germs.”

Neil Armstrong’s first words on the moon are hotly contested

They’ve even been the subject of linguistic studies.

Do you have a flag? No.

NASA didn’t make its mission flags to last on the barren and exposed lunar surface; that would have been a time-and-money consuming engineering feat. They were just regular nylon flags made to stand up with wire and last for the duration of the landing photo opp. But Apollo 11’s American flag might not have lasted even a day: Aldrin says he saw it fall over when he and Armstrong blasted off.

Even any flags that survived their initial missions are likely totally bleached due to the moon’s lack of protection from solar radiation. They may even have disintegrated.

Pink Floyd provided a live, improvised soundtrack to the landing for the BBC

“We [Pink Floyd] were in a BBC TV studio jamming to the landing,” guitarist David Gilmour wrote in The Guardian in 2009. “It was a live broadcast, and there was a panel of scientists on one side of the studio, with us on the other. I was 23. The programming was a little looser in those days, and if a producer of a late-night programme felt like it, they would do something a bit off the wall.”

The resulting song is called Moonhead, and bootlegs of it are on YouTube. “It was fantastic to be thinking that we were in there making up a piece of music, while the astronauts were standing on the moon,” Gilmour wrote. “It doesn’t seem conceivable that that would happen on the BBC nowadays.”

If you liked these weird facts, check out our hit podcast The Weirdest Thing I Learned This Week for loads more.

Written By Rachel Feltman