#burger tulpa mention

[theoneofwhomisblue]

Water tulpa wunk

[chiropteracupola]

thinking fondly and longingly of okonomiyaki...

[circulars-reasoning]

Debunking Series: Tulpas and Mental Health: A Study of Non-Traumagenic Plural Experiences

Welcome to part two of my debunking series, where I tackle Tulpas and Mental Health: A Study of Non-Traumagenic Plural Experiences, written by Jade Isler. This is part of an ongoing series, where I analyze the good and bad of a collection of articles that were provided to me that, supposedly, prove Endogenic plurality.

The full debunk of this article can be found here, or below the cut. This link leads to a google doc, which provides the full debunk along with links to other sources mentioned. Everything provided in the google doc will be below.

TL;DR: This article, while better than the previous part of this series, still fails to prove endogenic plurality exists, and contains enough bias to make my head spin. While there are individual parts of this article I agree with, it's drowned out by skewed sampling, a biased researcher, and bad science.

TW for poor research methods, discussions of fakeclaiming, mentions of doxxing, and NSFW content (including mentions of kink). Furthermore, TW for allegations of grooming, sexual harassment/abuse, and cult formation. I would also like to warn everyone that this document does get more crass than normal; that's my bad!

Tulpas and Mental Health: A Study of Non-Traumagenic Plural Experiences

(Note: The above article includes a deadname of an author who later revealed herself to be a trans woman. As such, I will be referring to her by the name most recently associated with her, Jade, and be using she/her pronouns in reference to her. I did not learn this information until after I had already written about 10 pages worth of content, so please forgive me if I have slipped up with misgendering. I have attempted to edit this extensively, so hopefully I managed.)

TL;DR: The article opens up with the somewhat ableist commentary that tulpamancy is the “optimal” form of plurality and the concept that functional multiplicity is stigmatized – while later stating that it isn’t, while suggesting that therapists have left final fusion behind in modern therapy. It rambles for a while about how the way DID is represented within the medical community is damaging the view of plurality, which I can’t say I disagree with, but is shown in incredibly negative ways, including the implication that the word “disordered” is a bad thing. The author attempts to correlate the high amounts of disorders in tulpamancy to the health benefits of tulpamancy, while addressing the fact that this study… can’t… actually prove that tulpamancy has any health benefits… while attempting to present that there are health benefits? It’s a whole lot of nothing burger. The article ends with the author revealing she’s a tulpamancer herself, which paints the entire article in the bias that is present. The fact of the matter is, this article is simply calling for more research to be done into tulpamancy within the medical world, while stating outright that it cannot prove anything regarding tulpamancy, as there isn’t enough research of a specific kind to prove anything. It does nothing to prove endogenic plurality, and is too biased to indicate anything other than the fact that tulpamancers, unsurprisingly, report thinking tulpamancy helps them. The bottom of this debunk provides more context surrounding allegations about Jade Isler, the author, though proof of these allegations is not readily available and should be taken as allegations only, rather than evidence of misdeeds. 

Full live reactions below:

“Current models of mental health rely heavily on the assumption that only one agent of self exists in every one brain.” Gonna stop you right there chief – you sure about that? Cause like. My therapist, as well as many others, immediately hopped on the boat of me having DID. Yes, mental health relies heavily on the idea of a singular self within a single brain, but most people in the world don’t have multiple self-agent beings within one brain. Like, even saying endogenic plurality exists, it wouldn’t be the entire population – it makes sense for mental health, in general, to focus on the widest possible audience.

“Deviations from this model of singularity in mind are heavily stigmatized and often considered disordered.” I’m two sentences into this abstract and already wincing. Obviously, they’re considered disordered within the world of mental health. Newsflash, asshole, if a system is in the world of mental health, it’s usually because they’re disordered. Yikes! It’s not biased for the mental health world to focus on mental health.

“Research defining the relationship between tulpamancy and mental health is expanded on by analyzing the results of surveys conducted on the online tulpa community.” Ah, yes, the tulpa community, which is a community fully entrenched in tulpamancy, gives their thoughts on how healthy tulpamancy is. I wonder, however, where the comments from these tulpamancer’s families, friends, and co-workers are. Y’know, since being disordered is more than just how YOU feel affected by it.

“The questionnaires investigate two associations previously found in members of the tulpa community. First, the prevalence of mental illness, which exists in over 50% of the population. Second, the reports of improvements in mental health and cognition, especially amongst those diagnosed with a mental or neurodevelopmental disorder.” Gonna make a theory of my own, if you don’t mind. That theory being, a system with a complex dissociative disorder will generally report improvements in mental health and cognition as communication between alters improves, particularly when said alters are symptom holders, wherein the system as a whole will no longer need to deal with as much of the symptoms of the disorder that alter holds. Interesting theory, I wonder if it would pan out via a questionnaire. Anyways, seems legit queen.

“Tulpas are an experience of plurality that seem to coexist with optimal functionality, happiness, and mental health.” Optimal functionality. Sigh. Gonna try and not take that on the chin as a DID system working toward functional multiplicity. Yeah, hon, I do really wish that mental health circles would acknowledge my Virgin Sub-Par Traumatized Multiple Functionality more and compare me to the far superior Chad Tulpamancers.

“In medicine, society, and our personal biases, there exist certain presumptions about what is optimal for health, functionality, and happiness. One such assumption is the requirement that, for every one brain and body, there ought to be one identity.” I think this is a good time to mention that this article was written in 2017, which is 16 years after the term “functional cooperation” was coined by Steinberg and Schnall in the book “The stranger in the mirror: Dissociation – the hidden epidemic” (which is riddled with its own problems). Here’s a full quote from page 256:

Therapy for people with DID is designed to gently bring down the walls of amnesia that keep their different parts hidden from themselves and each other. Most experts agree that the key to treating dissociation lies in the connection, or integration, or memories, feelings, and behaviors… Once the person feels safe enough to accept the memories, the amnesia, as well as the other dissociative symptoms, is reduced… Some people with a dissociative disorder are able to integrate their separate parts into a single congruent self-image. Others may fear that integration means the ‘death’ of their alternate personalities and may not want to give them up. They may have separate parts forever but can achieve ‘functional cooperation’ between them, which is a giant step on the path toward healing and recovery. 

Sooo, that is to say, functional multiplicity was recognized 16 years before this article was published. Furthermore, the Plural Positivity World Conference of 2019 (only two years after this article was published) released a survey which was then shown as the ISSTD Conference in 2020, revealing the following (as shown on the System Speak website, detailed here):

Of the participants in this survey, 89% scored above 30 on the DES-II… 58% were currently in therapy at the time; When asked their therapist’s goal for therapy, participants reported: 50%  Functional Multiplicity… 92% said they were interested in some level of functional multiplicity.

So, around two years after this article (this article, mind you, that’s so far arguing that functional multiplicity isn’t accepted) was published, 50% of respondents to a Plural survey said their therapists’ goal was functional multiplicity, and 92% of them reported seeking functional multiplicity as a goal. These people, I’d imagine, were in therapy for longer than just the two years since this article was posted. Furthermore, we can tell that the individuals who responded to this survey are likely disordered, given that 89% of them scored above 30 (high dissociation) on a DES, but those who completed this survey were part of the plural community. This, to me, indicates that this article’s claim that the main assumption being made is that disordered systems need to be fused into one singular self-state to function is a bunch of bullshit. But seeing as this article only posits that this assumption is the case without actually testing that assumption, I’m not too surprised!

“However, rather than citing these dysfunctions, mental health professionals frequently emphasize the plurality as being what makes DID a disorder.” I actually agree with the author here! Surprise surprise, something good has come! In fact, this whole paragraph has some good points: “Here, DID is not branded by its negative symptoms like most disorders are. Rather, this definition suggests that the problem starts and ends with the plurality.” The author is arguing that the way DID is discussed paints plurality as only a negative thing, because the only part that is focused on is the plurality. This is actually a problem I see a lot in modern syscourse; arguments that plurality has to be disordered because a certain system’s plurality is. However, I do find fault with two things. One, I want to reiterate the issue with the fact that this article is focusing on the mental health world, when by and large, endogenic systems are not seeking treatment for their plurality – the descriptions of ‘negative’ plurality are written strictly about CDD systems, as those are the systems who are seeking medical treatment. Two, this article is sourcing the Google Results of DID on Psychology Today. I… have my doubts that this is the end all be all of medical propaganda? If your argument is that the medical world is making plurality out to be only negative, I feel like you need a resource for that which is more directly connected to plurality in the medical world, rather than the layman’s definition of DID on Psychology Today.

“Until the DSM-V, there was no requirement of distress or impaired functioning in the diagnosis of DID.” Oh I’m going to fucking lose it. The requirement of distress and impaired functioning in the diagnostic criteria of DID was only added in the DSM-V because fuckwits like you couldn’t be bothered to read the beginning of the book. Y’know, the part that explains whether a diagnosis should be coded as Mild, Moderate, Severe, Partial Remission, Full Remission, or Prior History, depending on how disordered the disorder is? Located on page 2 of the DSM-IV:

In deciding whether the presentation should be described as mild, moderate, or severe, the clinician should take into account the number and intensity of the signs and symptoms of the disorder and any resulting impairment in occupational or social functioning. 

Impairment, huh? Occupational or social functioning could be impacted, huh? I don’t know about you, honey, but that to me sounds like fucking impaired functioning. Get out of here with your fucking nonsense, you’ve always needed a goddamn disorder to be diagnosed with a disorder (other than in some fringe cases, such as insurance and bullshit, shout out to my plural friends going through insurance hurdles right now). 

YOU THEN GO ON TO QUOTE BULLSHIT FROM AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PLACE?? No, okay, seriously, the author goes DIRECTLY from the above quote, to this quote: “‘Unlike other disorders, dissociative identity is deemed a disorder and thereby dysfunctional, purely on the basis that those who experience it have a self that is not singular.’” This quote is not from the DSM, which makes it incredibly misleading to complain about the DSM and then immediately, without explanation, launch into this quote as if it proves your point. But okay, let’s check out THAT citation– Oh, what’s that, it’s literally just arguing the same exact point as you, with a similar lack of proof for its claims? OH, this article is trying to argue that calling DID disordered implies it’s a bad thing, thus implying that disordered is a bad word? Oh, this all once again focuses on the fact that DID is disordered, which implies (somehow) that all multiplicity is disordered? This is literally just a bunch of psychologists going “Wait, maybe non-disordered plurality IS a thing, and I’m going to argue it is by saying that people with a disorder don’t ACTUALLY have a disorder sometimes.” God, fuck off with this bullshit, I’m going back to the first ableist article.

“In 2010, a community sprouted over a practice colloquially dubbed ‘tulpamancy.’” Oh please, tell me you’re gonna bring up the Rainbow Dash Tulpa. Please, tell me you’re going to bring up the white woman who brought Tibetan Buddhism to America through her appropriative bullshit. Please, tell me you’re doing to mention the bronies taking her spiritualism and using it to fuck ponies in their minds. I’m going to delight in this. (She won’t. I know she won’t, cause that would absolutely undercut the idea she’s going for that this is a completely normal, non-fucky experience, and the “optimal” form of functionality, yes I’m still salty about that. Gotta write that down, the “optimal” form of my multiplicity is to be fucking Rainbow Dash in my mind.)

“Examination will purport tulpas as a healthy experience of plurality and an argument against the stigmatization of multiple identities.” Again, I agree that the entire world needs to focus a whole lot less on the plural part of DID, and that depicting the plural part of DID as solely negative is harmful – but, I’m sorry to say, tulpamancy is a recent phenomenon. You said yourself, article author, that this sprung up in 2010. Your article was written 7 years after it became popular; do you honestly genuinely think the psych world moves quickly enough that in 7 years, they’ve managed to rethink dissociative identities and label tulpamancy as distinctly different from disordered dissociation enough to describe it? Furthermore, why would the mental health world even focus on tulpamancy? (Don’t worry – we’re gonna get to that.)

“The majority of media surrounding tulpas and non-traumagenic plural phenomena has been limited to poorly researched sensationalism. Its scientific accounts were nonexistent until 2015–” Oh jeeze, it’s almost like Tulpamancy started as a Tibetan Buddhist belief and was then appropriated by a white woman, brought to the west, bastardized, and now is something 4chan cooked up in some bong water with a side of fandom. Obviously, it’s poorly researched! You’re looking for scientific data within the medical world about an inherently non-medical experience. By and large, endogenic systems are not disordered, or at the very least, not disordered due to their plurality. Tulpamancy in particular WAS sensationalism, so it’s no wonder your research is a little bit difficult honey. You’re one of the first to dip your toes into it, welcome to hell, biscuits over on the left. Oh, wait, let’s finish that thought, you cite another study on tulpamancy that gave some demographics: “Veissiere found that tulpas are perceived to be entities distinct from one’s own thoughts, with over a third of hosts reporting that their tulpas felt as real as any physical person. This is achieved in part through tulpas seeming to be independent in their emotions, cognition, and opinions. They are experienced through a mix of auditory, visual, and somatic visualizations and hallucinations. Possession, a technique that allows a tulpa to temporarily command of the body, and switching, in which the host dissociates to have an out-of-body experience while the tulpa controls the body, are widely used. There are similarities between these advanced tulpamancy techniques and the experiences of DID diagnosed folk, namely having multiple identities and dissociating from the body’s actions. However, the absence of amnesia, depersonalization, and other traumagenic symptoms in most tulpamancers make these techniques a reportedly positive and mutually enjoyable experience.” So… let’s see here. No amnesia, depersonalization, no trauma symptoms – the only thing they’ve got is dissociation and perceived switches. So… not DID. Hence, not disordered. Hence, why would a medical world care? The medical world is focused on medical phenomenon, and what you’re describing here is, primarily, a belief – at most, you could claim the hallucinations are a concern, but if I’m not mistaken, hallucinations have been recognized as non-disordered in certain cases by the medical community by the point of this article being written, so… ??? Literally nobody was saying this is a disordered experience. What you’ve described here is so far from DID, it can’t see the DSM. Furthermore, I didn’t consciously experience amnesia and depersonalization. I didn’t realize that’s what I was experiencing for a very, very long time, despite experiencing it, because my disorder lies to me. That’s common.

“Veissiere unveiled two more associations between tulpas and mental health. Foremost, an extremely high frequency of clinical diagnoses: in his sample (n=24), 25%{3} were diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome, 21% with Attention Deficit Disorders, and 18% with General Anxiety Disorder, to name a few.” Huh, so, you’re saying that some of these tulpamancers are disordered……… but not because of their plurality. Unlike DID systems, whose plurality is a symptom of their disorder. I fail to see the connection here to the mental health world, unless you’re trying to argue… that… tulpamancy should be a form of treatment for disordered Autism, ADD, or Anxiety? “Secondly, Veissiere found that tulpas were reported to cause improvements in mental disorders, with 94% (n=33) of respondents expressing that taking up tulpamancy had ‘made their condition better.’” Oh. Oh, I see. You are arguing that. Not inherently – no, let’s not forget, the argument being made here is that tulpamancy is a healthy form of plurality, unlike DID, and that the way we discuss DID is damaging how we view plurality. So you’ve mentioned the health benefits of tulpamancy, but, once again – these are all self reported. Do you realize, to diagnose DID, you can’t just go off of self-reporting? It’s almost like, in a disorder (or non-disorder) where you lose your sense of self, it’s a little hard to self-report. Where’s the analysis of their families, or friends, or co-workers, reporting on their sense of self? I’m sorry, but as someone with DID, I know how hard it can be to self-report. I realized two separate times in my life that I had parts, and it had to happen twice because my disorder literally made me forget I was disordered. That’s an incredibly common experience. If I was asked in my final year of high school if I had amnesia, depersonalization, or trauma, I would have said no to all of those – but if asked if I had ‘people in my head’ who ‘helped me feel better about my anxiety,’ it would’ve been a resounding yes. Can you see how maybe a self-analysis of the self when the self is uncertain might be inaccurate?

Okay, not done with the above quote yet – imagining this is a singlet, that’s easily explained as the autistic ability to imagine interactions with others in order to recognize patterns. Imagining this is a DID system, that’s easily explained as a symptom holder – you split due to the stress of being autistic, and boom, now the host can mask easily, causing the stress to lessen. OF COURSE you feel better, it’s called you’re no longer the “problem” because you dissociated the problem away! Like, I’m not trying to fakeclaim here, trust me when I say that; I’m trying to emphasize that this article has done nothing to disprove that this is a DID system or a very imaginative singlet. All it’s done is suggest that plurality is a good framework to help with other disorders – which, I mean, IFS has been there since the 1980’s, people have been using a ‘parts’ framework for 30 years by the time this article came out.

Oh god, Oh fuck, it’s already almost 3k words long and I’ve ONLY JUST gotten to the part labeled as the objective of this article. Jesus christ. Okay. “This study investigates the aforementioned associations: 1) the high frequency of disorders among tulpamancers, and 2) the reports of psychological improvements related to tulpas. The aim is to clarify the existence of these associations and identify their causes.” … I am bashing my skull in, kindly. So, the assertions put forth in the abstract and introduction were complete red herrings; the actual aim of this article is to grow off of the previous study mentioned and to analyze why tulpamancers, on the whole, tend to be autistic, anxious wrecks until they form a tulpa. Why in god’s name is DID even being mentioned in this article???? I don’t fucking care about Tulpas, just let me have a disorder in peace. Also, I’d like to ask why this is included in a source proving endogenic plurality, seeing as this claim proves nothing; it automatically assumes tulpamancers exist, rather than proving they do. 

“While Veissiere showed that there seemed to be a relationship between tulpamancy and mental health, the reasons and nature of it are still a mystery.” Ah, see, the secret is, magical beings from another dimension saw these autistic people’s brains and went, ‘that’s free real estate.’ /j

“The noted associations have a plethora of possible explanations. For example, the high frequency of mental illness among tulpamancers could be rooted in a causal relationship between tulpas and psychopathology. More likely, tulpamancy could merely be more appealing or have more exposure to those with a clinical diagnosis.” W… what? Hold up, let me see if I can translate. “The reason why so many tulpamancers have anxiety or autism could have a lot of explanations. Maybe the large amount of mental illnesses among tulpamancers indicates that there’s a relationship between tulpas and brain issues. More likely though, tulpamancers just are usually more exposed to clinical things and find the tulpa route more appealing than the medical one.” Did I read that right? Cause that’s what I’m getting from this. Like. I think this is suggesting that a lot of tulpamancers are autistic because autistic people like tulpamancy. And they call ME Circular Reasoning. 

WAIT WAIT WAIT HOOOOOLD THE PHONE – “given the current evidence of a single opt-in questionnaire whose statistics are based on as little as 11 respondents” – YOU MEAN TO TELL ME. You are basing this ENTIRE article, the entire purpose of this study, on the self-report of eleven individuals to argue that tulpamancy is the most optimal form of plurality and is healthy??? Ooooh my god I am going to lose my goddamn mind holy fucking shit. Why did you phrase it AS LITTLE AS?! Were there LESS than 11 people? I am so concerned, I should’ve researched that study I guess. This throws everything I said out the window, the other study is a super great baby’s first lego block of tulpamancy studies, but we gotta get a move on with actually studying the effects of tulpamancy on the brain. Otherwise we’ll have ShitDick out here writing about how tulpamancy is soooo fucking great over the self-reports of eleven people. This article had BETTER explain that 11 people is not enough people, and more research needs to be done.

Thankfully, ShitDick does seem to indicate that she understands this would be a batshit claim to make. “Regarding the improvements in mental illness reported by tulpamancers, it would be presumptive (given the current evidence of a single opt-in questionnaire whose statistics are based on as little as 11 respondents) to claim the cause is plurality being therapeutic in itself.” MY ISSUE WITH THIS IS THAT YOU LITERALLY DID THIS ALREADY. Need I remind everyone of the word “optimal” being used? Oh no I don’t, cause I’m STILL FUCKING SALTY ABOUT IT! Like, you already stated in the introduction and the abstract about how tulpamancy ‘appears to be’ a healthy form of plurality – but you’re basing this on whatever you produced in this study, and a study of (maybe) only eleven people who self-reported they felt awesome about a thing they felt awesome enough to try out in the first place. 

Okay, not using a direct quote here, but calling out some syscourse shit right now. The author argues that tulpamancers may see benefits of tulpamancy for multiple reasons, and then goes on to argue that it’s actually just the one reason (the whole tulpa thing). But the other reasons given are… still valid? And actually far more supported by the science at this current time. Meditation, a positive community, or the experience of having tulpas are listed as things that COULD be causing the benefits to mental health. Only, we’ve seen that the goal of this study is to explain why there are benefits… so why are you explaining NOW (before your methods) that “actually we already know these two things likely cause the benefits to the mental health, but we’re going to argue this third thing instead.” It just completely undercuts the argument. The syscourse comes in that my immediate reaction to seeing this was ‘people would accuse that of being fakeclaming.’ Like, imagine if someone went to a tulpamancer who was ranting and raving about how awesome the health benefits of making tulpas is, and they said “have you considered that the benefits may be because you’re meditating a lot?” They would be crucified in today’s tumblr world. But when this dude does it, it’s fine apparently???? Also, this isn’t fakeclaiming – it’s just suggesting various experiences could, y’know… cause different varying reactions. Woah. (Note: the author later tests these statements and comes to the conclusion that tulpamancy is just awesome on its own, but the methods are flawed, so bully for her this is just bullshit.)

“The study addresses all these possibilities in order to hypothesize the cause of phenomena associated with tulpas.” Oh. Nice to know I wasted my time. See, this is included on a list of articles that PROVE endogenic plurality exists. Now we come to realize, the entire point of this study, finally explained, is… to… hypothesize why tulpas seem to help tulpamancers with their other disorders, and why so many people with tulpamancers with disorders have tulpas. That’s it. So… the article goes in with the assumption these people exist as they seem to experience it themselves, based on self-reports (which are often inaccurate in the cases of severe dissociative disorders, or… y’know… just straight up lying) of exactly, maybe?, eleven people… Sigh. Let’s… painfully sift through the “methods.”

The methods, thankfully, are better than the previous article on the list. It describes that 63 (minus one) respondents participated, out of a sample of 365 being sent out to popular tulpa forums (such as r/tulpa and tulpa.io forums). Hon, how bad to you gotta be to only get 62 responses??? Sadly, it is yet more self-reporting from tulpamancers, but thankfully with a much bigger sample size than the previous tulpamancy study. The ‘minus one’ was a participant within the 63 who did not have a tulpa and did not practice tulpamancy, but was present in the 365 sample sent out. Demographics are concerning to me, given that 32 of the 63 (aka, half of the respondents) were from the USA, with other nationalities ranking from 1 to 5 respondents each, and given that 75% of the demographic is white. 88% of the sample was between the ages of 16 and 25, with the average age being 21. This is all raising alarm bells for me. From sources I’ve read before, the average contested age for DID symptoms to start appearing is around age 16, and it’s not been unheard of for those in their 20s to 30s to first become aware of their system then. And knowing what we know now from the DSM-5:

Sudden changes in identity during adolescence may appear to be just adolescent turmoil or the early stages of another mental disorder. Older individuals may present to treatment with what appear to be late-life mood disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder, paranoia, psychotic mood disorders, or even cognitive disorders due to dissociative amnesia. In some cases, disruptive affects and memories may increasingly intrude into awareness with advancing age.

All of these things explain why a, I don’t know, 16-25 year old may dismiss their DID symptoms. And given that DID is comorbid with anxiety disorders… Nowhere has this article assured me that these tulpamancers are not experiencing DID. Nowhere has this article proven to me that this is endogenic plurality, which is the goal of this collection. 

“To investigate the effect of meditative practices often performed alongside tulpamancy, the survey asks: “Please select all the techniques that are/ have been used by your system for tulpamancy”, with meditation and hypnosis being among the possible responses.” I will say, DID systems have been listed as being more prone to hypnotic suggestion than the average individual. Not helping the case here… 

“Both questions have similar response options that included, “Friends or companions, “A romantic relationship or significant other,” “Curiosity or experimentation,” “To become a part of a community,” and “Self-Improvement or life/mental health benefits.” … So… you mean to tell me that this self-report questionnaire listed options for people to pick, all of which appear to be positive in nature? Have you ever heard of a bias, or perhaps, self-fulfilling prophecy? Buddy, you had better fucking include a link to this survey later… (Notably, the relationship to community section is a more simple scale)

“Participants were asked to select yes or no to the question: “Have you been diagnosed with a mental or neurodevelopmental disorder?”. If “yes” was selected, the participant would be directed to more questions regarding the relationship between their condition(s) and their experiences with tulpas. If “no” was selected, they would skip those questions and be directed to the next portion of the survey.” … I don’t know about you, but I didn’t get diagnosed with DID until I was 24 (and I was incredibly lucky to have this occur). I didn’t ever get diagnosed with autism, because I simply wouldn’t be helped by a diagnosis. So… This study ignores those who are not diagnosed, despite the supposed prevalence of these medical phenomenon (the thing that the article is trying to discuss), for… I’m not sure what reason. I suppose self-diagnosis isn’t a thing for these folks today! We’re only going to focus on those who had to get a diagnosis for whatever reason for whatever thing seems to be affecting them. 

Results!! Oh dear. “Responses to the question, “For what purpose did you create [your tulpas]?” revealed that tulpas are most frequently created in pursuit of companionship (72%). Results from the question, “What relationships exist between [you and your] tulpa(s)?” shows that this is achieved in most cases, with 78% of respondents stating that their relationship with their tulpa is friendship and 31% describing it as romantic.” I’ve gotta be honest, y’all. If someone asked me why I made a tulpa, and I had secretly made that tulpa for the express purpose of being able to fuck Rainbow Dash… I WOULD NOT BE TELLING ANYONE I MADE A TULPA SO I COULD FUCK RAINBOW DASH. Like, cringe culture is dead and all that, but not on a scientific survey of the community that I am trying to make seem legit. I’m not saying these results are entirely false… but I want people to remember that this is all self-reported… and this is self-reported by white US Americans in online forum spaces who are a little fucked up. 

“The one respondent who did associate tulpa creation and their diagnosis elaborated in their response, saying that tulpamancy helped them identify their DID and PTSD symptoms, which were rooted in events predating their discovery of tulpamancy.” Oh gosh… I’m. Very glad that their tulpamancy led to them discovering they had DID, but I do hope it is also recognized that created alters can and are a thing in DID, and that they are getting the help they need. 

“Two thirds of respondents with a diagnosis (n=32) reported that their decision to begin practicing was either somewhat (33%) or significantly (33%) furthered by their condition.” May I just say… MaDD, purposeful dissociation away from problems, all of those are things… Again, not saying they aren’t experiencing tulpamancy, but this article has yet to prove they are, and these things are easily explained through other means (which the article itself indicates).

“An almost identical ratio of respondents stated that their condition made tulpamancy a more desirable practice, with 37% citing a significant positive influence, 37% claiming a somewhat positive influence, and the remainder noting “no or neutral impact”.” Wait, so where’s the choice for “negative impact”? Did you not include that as a choice, or did like… not a single responder pick it?

Okay, the above bugged me so badly that I went ahead and scrolled through, and nope, can’t find a copy of the survey anywhere. Maybe I’m just dumb, but I can’t see it; all I can see is tables of the data compiled. I can’t see the exact questions asked, meaning I can’t really examine them for bias (and, judging from the above bullet, I have a suspicion this survey was biased as hell). I mean, very next section, “Regarding respondents’ opinion of the tulpa community, 18% reported theirs as very positive, 52% chose positive, and 29% selected “neutral”.” Yeah, that doesn’t sound biased at allllll. Also, plz let me know where that 1% went buddy. Some of the tables are showing that a negative impact option was present, but I can’t see exactly how the questions/answers were phrased, and that’s really irking me. 

We’re getting into more analysis of the results now, and I can’t say I’m happy. “In fact, the association between tulpas and improvements in mental health was reinforced, with 78% of these respondents diagnosed with a psychopathology stating that tulpas had either a significant or somewhat positive impact on their condition or ability to cope with it.” So you mean your somewhat biased questionnaire proved the point you were hoping your questionnaire would prove? Yikes. Buddy, I’m sorry, but I feel like this self-reporting thing isn’t working for you. Like, they reported that they didn’t have ANY impact in social life, but you’re arguing that the stigma of DID is affecting them through the whole intro – I feel like you’re not looking at these facts objectively and you’re trying to skew the survey to show what you want it to show. That’s just… straight up, bad science. 

“There was no evidence that would suggest tulpamancy is harmful.” As far as you’ve shown us, the majority of questions didn’t indicate an option to say it had a negative impact. You went to a group of people who love tulpamancy, and asked “hey, is tulpamancy good?” And the answer was a resounding yes. That’s like sending out a survey to ask “do people answer anonymous surveys instead of throwing them away,” and 99% of responders said yes! You have a bias. 

“These facts should discourage hypotheses that suggest tulpas cause mental illness or are a disorder in and of itself.” Well… I’ll be frank with you, this might not be as common, but I would argue that my plurality is not hurting me, in and of itself. My plurality is a symptom of a larger issue, and genuinely, if asked, I would say my parts have helped me more than hindered. I genuinely enjoy having my parts as a disordered system. That doesn’t mean that the tulpas aren’t, in of themselves, a symptom of a disorder, however – it’s happened before that people calling themselves endogenic systems have discovered they were traumagenic at a later time, thus indicating that their alters were, in fact, a symptom of a disorder. For someone who led into their article arguing that there was too much emphasis in the DID world on the alters (rather than focusing on the fact that it’s disordered alters), you then focus too strongly on the tulpas here. It’s a bit hypocritical…

Oh my god, they did something nice! Awesome! The author actually added to the survey a bit about alternate causations of these positive benefits, and found that “most respondents cited a positive impact regardless of hypnosis and meditation use.” Now, did you define meditation for these people? Because while not all of them sat on the floor with their legs crossed and incense burning, I’m positive some formed their tulpas through forms of meditation without realizing that’s what they were doing. (I’ll be honest, I sort of thought meditation was needed for tulpamancy, but I’m also not the MOST educated on the topic.) Like, you haven’t done a horrific job here – this is one of the sections where you indicate that the answer results did offer negative, and significantly negative, as levels of impact. But given the fact that not a single person ever answered “significantly negative,” I feel like there’s an issue here. You’d think, in a group of anyone, that every answer option would be picked at least once. You mean to say that not a single person found the experience of purposely creating a dissociative identity to have a significantly negative impact on their life? Not even a troll answered the survey?

“It is likely that the high frequency of disorders among tulpamancers is not caused by tulpamancy being pathological in nature, but rather, the practice being especially appealing towards those already diagnosed.” I’ll be honest, if they changed the name, I would be down for tulpamancy to be incorporated into certain types of therapy – but I don’t see how it would be more valuable in the long run than long standing therapy methods. I’d also be concerned about introducing dissociative practices into disorders that already have higher levels of dissociation, like autism. 

“Tulpas not only provided a means to have pleasant, worry-free interactions in the safety of their own mind-for these hosts, tulpas also encouraged and assisted with socialization.” Why is this worry-free? It might just be me having only my disorder under my belt, but… I don’t interact with my parts in only positive ways. Some of the folks in my head hate my guts, or at least used to, and it took a very long time for us to be okay with each other. My own mind isn’t safe – my innerworld is full of dangers and perceived threats, just like my real life is. If these individuals have disorders such as autism and anxiety, I’m glad that the tulpas helped them, but I’m having a hard time parsing how these tulpas are different from imaginary friends. I’ve heard people say that tulpas are their own sentient beings, unlike imaginary friends, but if that’s the case, the interactions wouldn’t be at all worry free in my eyes; unless the tulpas are specifically made to like you. In which case, we get into debates about if tulpas have free will and their own true sentience. Bluh. It makes me feel icky.

I’ve got to say, reading the next section, I actually like this idea a lot, and I do agree with a lot of it. It details people’s actual written responses, and this finally feels like the least biased part of the questionnaire. These people detail ways in which tulpamancy helped them, and I can easily see all of these being the case – such as someone helping manage their schizophrenia by forming a tulpa who was not affected by the hallucinations! Only… Self-reports in schizophrenia are to be doubted as well; who is to say this tulpa is not just… a beneficial hallucination? Or, what about the DID system who formed a tulpa who could communicate without amnesi– wait, that… that just sounds like a gatekeeper to me. Yes, sadly, while I believe creating alters is possible and I agree it can have health benefits, this article does not do what people are claiming it does. It simply says tulpamancy may have health benefits by surveying tulpamancers. That’s it. It doesn’t prove these tulpas actually exist or aren’t another easily explained symptom. Just… says that people with pre-existing disorders found creating tulpas was helpful. Nothing saying that those tulpas weren’t actually hallucinations, imaginary friends, dissociative alters, etc etc etc.

“The intent of this paper is not to provide definitive assertions on the psychology of tulpamancy. Rather, the purpose is to accentuate outstanding associations and suggest further research into them.” GOOD. THANK FUCK. Translation, “this study cannot prove anything, because of the clear flaws in the type of study done; rather, this is just more analysis of things going on, as a call to action for people to research more.” HIGHLY AGREED. This phenomenon absolutely needs to be studied more, and I really want to see studies done that actually observe these people – not just a questionnaire that the author herself indicates has bias. “In-person psychiatric assessments, longitudinal research, and neuroimaging studies are all more than warranted towards building a greater scientific understanding of plurality.” Yesssssssssss. Thank fuck. I’m so relieved – I walked into this thinking it was meant to prove something, due to the nature of the spreadsheet. Instead, it proved nothing, acknowledged it proved nothing, and simply presented correlations. I am now much, much happier with this paper, though I still am raising a brow at the methods and initial ableist commentary about DID.

“The impact of trauma and the resulting function-impairing symptoms are what make DID a disorder, not the plurality.” I really like this comment. It’s fully accurate… only, it fails to recognize that, for many DID systems, the plurality is the function-impairing symptom in question. Wait– “Because of this, psychiatrists have found that the most effective therapies for DID do not require merging different consciousnesses or enforcing oneness. Rather, it is more effective to simply teach the separate identities to communicate, share information, and work with each other in through a therapy dubbed “integrated functioning.”” Wait, didn’t… Didn’t you start off this article by claiming the opposite of this? Weren’t you the one arguing that the medical world could not accept functional multiplicity? “The decision to unify should be an optional one, made by the patient, done because they believe it will improve their life and ability to function. The prevalence of treating plurality as the start and end to dysfunction in DID indicates a fundamental misunderstanding that needs to be corrected.” BUT YOU JUST SAID IT WAS? I’m so confused – I’m really grateful, really, that you suddenly give so much of a shit about DID, but how does this relate to anything you were trying to prove? Honey, please, leave us out of this. 

“Plural experiences are not limited to tulpas and dissociative disorders. In fact, when the diversity of plural experience is considered, multiplicity may seem to be less of an extraordinary achievement and more of a fundamentally human experience.” Uuuugh, not the ‘everyone’s a little plural’ argument. It’s so frustrating being lumped in with this. My mom’s work self is not anything like me. Someone’s tulpa is not anything like me. There can be similarities, but the symptom of my disorder should not be considered a fundamental human experience. 

“Finally, I would like to thank the unsung assistant and co-author of my research, projects, and frankly, my life: my tulpa, Aury.” Oh. Oh fuck no. You are NOT AN OBJECTIVE RESEARCHER. I am so so glad that you agree that other people need to fucking research this. A person with a bias for saying tulpamancy is good reached out to a lot of people who had a bias for saying tulpamancy is good and asked if they thought tulpamancy was good! Shocker of all shockers they said it was good. This is something that I feel should have been mentioned far before the closing statements. You are not objective in the slightest, and all of this really clarifies just how biased your survey was. 

“The author is a practicing tulpamancer and an active member of the tulpa community. He experienced tulpa creation firsthand in April 2013, and has been a contributing member of the online community since July 2014. Along with his tulpa, Aury, Isler is active under the usernames “Ford and Aury” and “fordaplot”, through which they have shared their experiences, theories, and preliminary results with the community. They run a Tumblr blog documenting their tulpa-related work and experiences, and they operate a YouTube channel for plural-related educational videos, interview-based podcasts, and visual tulpamancy guides.” OKAY!!! So not only were you biased toward tulpamancy, people knew you were biased toward it. And you don’t think, just for one second, that sending out a survey to these people, they might have, idk, looked up to you? After all, you were known for operating a youtube channel supporting tulpamancy. Nobody goes up to the person who they idolize and go “you know, maybe what you’re doing is wrong? Maybe what you did hurt me?” THEY LIKE YOU YOU MORON. OBVIOUSLY THEY AREN’T GOING TO TELL YOU THAT YOU’RE WRONG. Oh my god this fucking kills me. Okay.

So, here’s the bonus content for all you curious folks. After reading this part, I dug into the author, seeing if I could find any information on her. I wanted to clarify her role in the community – if she wasn’t very popular, then clearly, the above criticisms wouldn’t hold as much merit.

Uuh. Wow. I found a lot of bullshit!

Sadly, this section is going to be short, particularly because I can’t find any evidence; I’ve reached out to a few individuals who were involved in the controversies, but thus far, I’ve only found one concrete piece of evidence. This evidence being that Jade Isler attempted to threaten and doxx staff of the Tulpa.info discord server and was subsequently reported to the FBI. Screenshots posted below (with one being censored in case of privacy):

This evidence does make it obvious that Jade Isler, at the very least, was harassing individuals and attempting to doxx them.

To summarize the allegations, I want to begin by stating none of these allegations have been proven beyond the existence of NSFW content. The author, Jade Isler, was banned from just about every single tulpa community due to numerous allegations. These allegations appear to involve grooming, sexual harassment, and plans to form a cult, all of which relate to a particular kink of Jade’s – this being obedience hypnosis alongside feminization kinks and a pet play kink. None of these allegations have been proven beyond proof of existence of these kinks. I don’t want to get too controversial about NSFW on this blog, but I will say: kinks are morally neutral unless they actively harm others; so long as both parties are completely consenting and are able to consent to the kink, it is their business and not mine. Furthermore, I am hesitant to believe word of mouth in regards to a trans woman who has a less-than-socially-acceptable kink being called a groomer with no public evidence. I require more proof of that before I can believe it is something non-malicious. 

At this point in time, I have been unable to find any proof of a cult, grooming, or harassment – only the ban messages and statements. The communities involved have erased any and all evidence from public viewing, ostensibly to protect the victims, which is good but ultimately frustrating when trying to prove if these allegations are blown out of proportion or not. I have reached out to numerous parties for further information, and should I receive it, I would be happy to reblog this debunk post with further information, so the full story can be known. 

The reason I include these allegations here is to express further concern about this collection of resources. If these allegations are false, they mean nothing and should be discarded. If, however, they are true, it paints a very negative picture of the tulpamancy community, and raises many concerns for the legitimacy of the article. If Jade is, in fact, a groomer who was maliciously trying to groom members of the tulpamancy community, then the results are even further skewed in favor of what she hoped the results would show. It’s possible she could have been grooming individuals of the community in order to create the results she desired, or even worse, into being tulpamancers in the first place (while ignoring signs of serious disorders). I mention this because grooming and manipulation are commonly cited in online communities, and given that tulpamancy is particularly present in places such as Reddit and 4chan, it raises a lot of potential red flags for genuine harm. 

Again, I refuse to believe these allegations without proof. As it is, the criticisms of the author cannot be determined beyond what is within the article itself at this time – which are, in of themselves, fairly damning. However, please use this as a warning to interact with content about this author with caution if you find any of what’s been described here to be triggering. 

[viovio]

well not to be that person but i think the best way to cope with this is project my problems onto a character and give them therapy

[welldonebeca]

Hold me Down (Part 19)

Summary: You and the Winchesters face a tulpa. Dean may or may not pop a very sudden question at you.  Pairing: Dean X Female!Reader Characters: Dean Winchester, Reader, Sam Winchester Chapter name: Will you Marry me? Warnings: I’m focusing on the relationship here, not the cases; cussing, song use; fluff, Gifs aren’t mine, they’re from Google or Tumblr. Set on season 1. A bit of drama. John ships it.  Canon typical violence. Protective Dean. Pillow talk.

Hold me down (Masterlist)

It's like I've been awakened

“Do you remember that time we put Veet in Sam’s shampoo?” Y/N looked up at Dean.

“Of course I do. He was so pissed...” Dean laughed.

They were laying on a motel bed, naked, thinking back to their childhood. They had seen John for the last time a couple weeks ago and they were just doing what they always do; hunting and driving around.

And having sex.

Lots of sex.

“Do you think we’ll ever get tired of having sex?" She turned around, her elbows on the mattress and her arm resting on his chest to look up at him. “I mean, you think we’re gonna be like those couples that have tons of sex in the beginning of their relationship and then all this fire dies down?”

He chuckled. The wrinkles on his eyes becoming more prominent.

“Oh, honey, Dean Winchester is an eternal flame.” He announced in a prideful, yet obvious tone. “And I’m pretty sure you are too, babe. I ain’t the one who wakes up in the middle of the night asking for sex.”

Every rule I had you breaking

She rolled her eyes in response and laughed as a funny thought crossed her mind.

“What?” he asked.

“I was just imagining you, as a 60-year-old, going to a drugstore every month to buy 30 blue pills so we could continue to have sex every night.”

He gave her a “seriously?” look, but laughed too.

He didn’t mention the probability that neither of them were going to live long enough to live the scene. He didn’t need to.

She laid back on his chest.

“Love ya, babe.” He kissed her forehead.

“Love you too.” she mumbled sleepily.

I ain't never gonna shut you out

Their next case was at one of those eerily old house in a city that she quickly forgot the name of.

A group of kids had seen a body in the abandoned house, but when the police came, the body was gone.

The place was just old at first sight. Nothing seemed out of place. It was when they met the couple of paranormal investigators, she really thought about getting out of there.

They were so...stupid. They even had a website.

She detested people like them. People who thought they were smarter and knew what they were doing.

Ed and... What was the other guy’s name?

‘Ed and Eddy suits ‘em better’

They hadn’t even seen a ghost. Ever.

“Come on, guys.” She decided after spending five minutes with them. “The professionals actually need to work.”

Later that night, they decided to go to a bar for a bite to eat. With burgers in hand and a salad for Sam they began talking about the current case.

“You think there’s something supernatural here?” She looked at Dean. “I mean...really?”

Everywhere I'm looking now

“I don’t think so.” He rolled his eyes. “I bet it’s a small town thing.”

Y/N smiled a little, going back to eat and looking at her food. She should stop eating so many burgers. She should take care of herself more.

“Will you marry me?” Dean looked at her when Sam went to the bathroom.

Her Y/Eb/C lifted to her hairline at the abrupt question.

I'm surrounded by your embrace

“I mean, not now.” He rolled his eyes. “But someday, ya know. You’d take my last name, wear a ring, the whole enchilada?”

“And be your wife? Forever?” She asked. Y/N lifted her hand to her chin as if she was really thinking about it. “Of course, dumb ass.” She finally answered.

Dean smiled, his heart expanding with the amount of love that had come with her words.

He was thinking about that ever since that morning: Their future. He wanted to see her one day as his wife. Not that being his girlfriend wasn’t good enough, but there was something about making her entirely his that would make him really happy.

“Okay.” He smiled.

“Okay.” She laughed.

You're everything I need and more

That morning, they heard about the girl who ‘hung herself’ in the house.

They had missed something. They definitely did.

Later that night, they snuck around the house and went in once more, not after pranking the two stupid paranormal investigators.

Once inside, she had to keep herself from telling the boys to shut up when they started the whole “I dare you” thing. Minutes later when they did finally find the ghost, upon shooting it with Dean’s double barrel they found out that the friggin’ thing was immune to rock salt.

The next morning, she was the who found out that the symbol meant nothing, and showed Dean the album covers he had seemed in Craig’s store.

Stupid case.

“Kid.” She crossed her arms. “What do you think about telling us the real story?”

And the kid broke down. He had created the whole house thing with his cousin, but then the thing just spun out of control.

“What if this thing is a tulpa?” Y/N frowned. “I mean...once in Tibet a group of 20 monks saw a golem after meditating on it.”

Sam looked at her, understanding what she meant.

“If 20 monks can do that, what can 10 thousand people do?”

“And how the hell did it happen here?” Dean looked at his girlfriend.

As an answer, Y/N got her phone out of her pocket, showing Dean the picture she had taken.

“This is a Tibetan symbol.” She explained. “10 thousand people looked at this and thought about the house. Two plus two equals four.”

He was surprised. Usually, Sam was the one with all the information.

“Babe, you’re a genius. How did you figure it out?”

The brilliant huntress shrugged.

“I got bored while I was with the Harvelles after my surgery.”

The only way to destroy the tulpa was by destroying the idea of it.

“What do we do now?”

“Just follow my lead.”

It’s just surprising how people can be so stupid. They managed to trick the guys to change the legend and give them a way to kill the tulpa.

And then when that didn’t work; they had to improvise.

What do you do to a house with a tulpa attached to it? You burn it.

“Really, Y/N?” Sam looked at her when they got to a safe place. “Really?”

“What did you want me to do?” She rolled her eyes, leaning against Jude. “I’m tired, I’m frustrated and that was the only solution that came to mind.”

“She’s right.” Dean pointed.

Sam sighed.

“Fine. Let’s just...get the hell out of this town.”

Her boyfriend leaned down and kissed her thoroughly.

“See ya at the next stop.”

“Sure.” She gave him a little peck. “I love you.”

You know you're my saving grace

“Love you too.”

Sam just rolled his eyes.

“You two make me sick.”

Y/N and Dean laughed.

“Fuck off. “

Forever Tags: @lilasiannerd @andyl394 @vaultingphilosophy @wayward-oneshots @theas-bedtime-stories @ria132love        Supernatural tags: @afanofmanystuffs           Hold me Down: @alexmollineaux @justablackshadow

[hummus-thumbs]

Chapter 1 is done!

Dean heaved himself onto the somewhat disgusting motel bed with a groan. He and Sam had just finished up a particularly grueling hunt involving a pack of werewolves, and he was more than exhausted. “Dude,” he said to Sam, closing his eyes and lacing his fingers together behind his head, “If you went out and got me about five burgers right now, I would owe you big time.” Sam, frowned and furrowed his brow. “You already owe me big time. No way.” “Oh come on, man,” Dean said, sitting back up with a small grunt at the pain in his side and opening his eyes again. “I’ll pay.” When Sam continued to frown incredulously at him, he added, “I’ll pay for next time, too.” Again, no response from Sam, besides a quick breath through his nose, which was presumably his tired version of a laugh. Dean crossed his arms over his chest and scowled at his brother, not even considering the possibility of begging, but also positive that he was going to get Sam to go out and get him a burger one way or another. Finally, after a good ten minutes of bartering and grumbled insults on both sides, Sam begrudgingly agreed to go get them some food, on the condition that Dean will not only pay for the the next three meals they get, but would also let Sam pick out some more healthy options in the future for the both of them. Dean growled something akin to, “fucking rabbit-ass, tree-hugging, hippy piece of crap,” when Sam initially offered the idea, but it was better in his mind than some of the other options before him, such as paying for their next ten meals, so he finally acquiesced. As soon as Sam had left, Dean was back on his back, hands behind his head, lightly humming Dead or Alive by Bon Jovi, and thoroughly enjoying the peaceful silence and semi-comfortable bed. He had been laying like that for about five minutes and was just dozing off, when he was suddenly and forcefully disturbed from his solace. Seemingly out of nowhere burst into Dean’s head the most vivid fantasy of him and Cas going at it in the back of the Impala. His eyes popped open, and he sat up fast enough to give himself a head rush. “What the-” Dean murmured out loud, his head reeling. He had never thought of Cas like that before. Yes, he knew that shit, “Destiel,” or whatever existed; Sam didn’t hesitate to remind him of it any chance he got, but he had honestly let even the possibility cross his mind. He was heterosexual, and Cas was an angel, whom he assumed to be asexual. And with the life they lived, it would just never work out, even if by some weird turn of events they started having feelings for each other. Dean couldn’t fathom where those thoughts had come from, and he switched on the TV quickly, trying to drive all thoughts of it out of his head. And yet his mind was definitely drawn back to it, running the fantasy over and over in his mind. He didn’t find it particularly arousing, especially considering he and Cas had both been using some pretty rookie moves, and the entire scene had been pretty disjointed. Finally, he gave up trying to distract himself with the TV and picked himself up off the bed to make his way over to where Sam’s laptop sat on the other, equally gross bed. If there was one way he knew of to get his mind off something, it had to be bustyasianbeauties.com. The screen was quickly filled with voluptuous Asian lovelies, and soon all thoughts of him and Cas were completely gone.

A couple of days later, Dean and Sam were back home in the bunker, and Dean hadn’t had any other unwanted gay porn forced upon him since the werewolf hunt. Being a normal human being, he hadn’t mentioned anything about the experience to Sam, and he’d honestly forgotten that it had even happened in the first place. Until it happened again, that is. He had been asleep for long enough to have a kind of weird dream about adopting a cat and it trying to eat the Impala, when it was like the channel was suddenly changed, and Dean’s dream went from that normal, vague haziness that most dreams consist of to a sharp and clear scenario consisting mostly of Cas, Dean, a Chinese chair, and some whipped cream. Yet again, Dean was jolted back to the land of the conscious, but as it tends to be with dreams, though in the outside world he may have woken up in a split second, he had to experience a good thirty minutes of the dream. He awoke with a shudder and a grimace, pulled himself out of his bed and to the bathroom, and washed his face, refusing to make eye contact with himself in the mirror. He couldn't quite make himself look into his own eyes, and he was sure if anyone had walked in on him at that moment, especially Cas, he wouldn't have been able to make eye contact with them either. His mind was reeling. He kept repeating to himself I am straight. I'm a straight man. I like hot chicks. I am hetero-fucking-sexual. He closed his eyes, leaned forward with his hands steadying himself to the sink, and let out a tired sigh. "Fuck it," he murmured to himself and with that, forced the thoughts torturing him fizzle out. When his head was finally clear, he padded back to his room, eyes still mostly shut, and plopped back onto his bed.

He awoke the next morning and was greeted by the thoughts he had somehow been able to shut up the night before, back in full force. He plodded into the kitchen to look for something to eat, all the while silently picking through every possible reason he could have had the dreams. He was staring blankly into the refrigerator and pondering whether he there were any witches he might have pissed off lately, when the patter of footsteps alerted him someone was going to be joining him in a hot minute. He decided to pull rank over his thoughts again and felt the troublesome questions and comments section of his brain which had been blaring at him melt into the bland, quiet thoughtlessness he was used to from his brain in the early morning. "Hey man," Sam's voice came from behind him, and Dean turned to see his brother in what looked like a dark blue tracksuit. Dean grimaced, murmured a short, "Really?", and turned back to his inspection of the mostly empty fridge. Dean couldn't see Sam's face, but he felt himself being scowled at and could hear the irritation in Sam's gait as he made his way into the war room. Dean finally gave up on finding something actually good to eat, and opted instead for a beer from the half empty six pack. He made a mental note to make a run for some more later in the day, because if the day kept on at this rate, he was going to need it. He followed Sam into the war room and noticed that Cas was sitting across the table from his brother and seemed to be explaining to him something or other about quantum mechanics. Great, Dean groaned internally, then forced something as near a smile as he could (which ended up just being his normal, resting bitch face), and sat in the chair nearest him. "What're you doin' here, Cas?" he queried, trying to keep up the normal eye contact held by the two of them, but quickly averting his eyes as images of his most recent fantasy filled his mind. Those eyes; he'd never really noticed just how piercingly blue they were. He shuddered and tried to force the thoughts back out of his head and retain his composure, but apparently Cas wasn't a moron, because noticed Dean's uncomfortable expression and asked, "Are you all right, Dean? You look distressed." Dean stifled a sigh, took a draw from his beer, and unconvincingly said, "I'm fine." Cas' eyes narrowed, but he didn't pursue the subject any further, instead choosing to explain his presence at the bunker. A few words stood out to Dean, like 'tulpa' and 'time-traveller', but for the most part, he phased out and let his mind wander aimlessly, hoping Sam could give him the footnotes later. He was finding it hard to listen to Cas without looking at his eyes, but every time he stared into those sapphires his mind was brought forcefully back to how he had seen them that night, piercing him to his very core before fluttering closed as their lips met in a--No! "Oh God," Dean breathed out, lowering his face to his hands. "Dean?" Cas' gravelly voice was full of concern. Dean just stood up and walked quickly out of the room, muttering something about needing to pee.

"That was weird," Sam said, looking from where his brother had just exited the room over to where Cas was sitting. Somewhat to his surprise, he saw Cas stand and begin to follow his brother's trail out of the room. "I'm going to check on him," Cas explained and like that, Sam was by alone. He made a little angry face, then returned to smoothie had been nursing and thought, Whatever.

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