#burger ranch ain’t even all that

[we-are-inevitable]

you asked for restaurant au requests so!! restaurant au javid?? and if there is a sauce-related incident i'd appreciate it?? (no pressure though!) - @pigeonwit

OHHH!! absolutely.

edit after writing: this got out of hand. i love them so so much.

———

“Corner!”

That’s all the warning David gets before a body rounds the corner and rams straight into his own. He sees it first, a curly mop of blonde hair, a high-pitched yell, a tray flying out of hands— all too suddenly, David is splayed on his back on the kitchen floor, and all too suddenly, his white shirt is soaked in something chunky and wet.

Racer immediately kneels down next to him, eyes wide as one of the big pans they use to cook up all of the fries. “David! Oh, shit! Man, are you okay?”

“I— Yeah, I’m fine. Get me up,” David says, but as soon as he sits up, there’s a distinct pain in the middle of his back. He winces, and that must be noticeable, because Racer instantly starts asking questions.

“Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

“I’m fine, just—“

“No, you’re hurt, aren’t you? Fuck, I am so sorry, I didn’t know you were right there, I’m sorry—“

With a sigh, David grabs onto Racer’s shoulder, slowly pushing himself up to a standing position despite the blossoming feeling of ow currently pulsating through his body. “Kid, you’re okay, okay? You’re fine,” David says through gritted teeth.

Everyone in the kitchen is looking at them by now. David slowly turns to give them all a glance, noticing that something is missing— and just at that moment, Jack walks into the kitchen, smelling like cigarette smoke masked by a high-end cologne.

Jack stops just before the mess on the floor, taking it in with wide eyes, and he quickly looks up and makes eye contact with David. “What the hell happened?”

David sees the nervous look on Racer’s face, so he concedes and says, “It’s my fault. I was leaving and ran into Racer, I fell down and dropped the food. I’ll clean it up.”

“Clean yourself up first,” Jack comments, gesturing to David’s shirt, smeared with all sorts of colors: red and green salsa, garlic aioli, ranch and ketchup— a menagerie of condiments for a menagerie of burgers. “You didn’t get hurt when you fell, did’ja?”

“No, I—“

“He fucked up his back,” Race says from the side, and David gives him a nudge with his elbow. “He’s movin’ slow and it looked like he hurt when he sat up.”

Jack takes the information in, and gestures to the dishwasher. “I’ll give you a ten if you clean this up,” he says, gesturing to the pocket his wallet resides in, and the dishwasher responds with a curt nod. Turning to his linecooks, Jack nods to them as well. “Keep doin’ what you’re doin’. Rush isn’t startin’ for another twenty minutes, I’ll be back in ten at the most. Got it?”

“On it,” Specs pipes up, not even looking away from the task at hand.

With that done, David watches as Jack reaches out, then sighs at the feeling of Jack’s hand on his shoulder. They walk slowly to the manager’s office- a larger room off to the side of the kitchen, with a couple of comfy chairs and a place for staff to eat their food.

“Don’t bother Charlie with this, please,” David says, head lolling just enough to look at Jack. “I’m fine, really.”

Jack clicks his tongue a few times, then pulls out his keyring and unlocks the door. “Charlie ain’t here,” He murmurs, pushing the door open and leading Davey inside, only to lock the door behind them. “He’s runnin’ up to the bank. Register’s almost outta change for customers.”

“Ohhh, okay, makes sense,” David nods, then takes in a deep breath. “So… can I go, if he’s not here? I have tables I need to check on.”

“They can wait. Your health is more important than a table,” Jack says like it’s the easiest thing to understand, and Davey wants to agree, but he never knows. A few good tips could be the difference between eating and not.

But he doesn’t bother arguing with Jack, because that’s never gotten him anywhere in the past.

Jack, after rummaging around in a locker for a moment, comes back to Davey with a clean- albeit wrinkled- white shirt. He sets it down on Charlie’s desk, and walks back to David, and suddenly, there’s a tenderness in his eyes that wasn’t there before— a carefully concealed care. Jack cups his cheek, and leans up to press a soft kiss to his forehead.

With that, Jack makes gentle work of untucking David’s shirt, working the buttons open until he can push the fabric off of his shoulders.

David gulps, and says, “I wish you were undressing me in a different circumstance right now.”

That quip gets a grin in response, Jack looking up at him with bright eyes. “Turn around, you dumbass.” And who is David not to comply? He turns, feeling Jack’s hands on his back. “Hm… It looks a little red,” He mumbles. “You sure you feel okay?”

David hesitates, then nods. “Yeah, I just… I guess I’m taking it slow today,” he murmurs. “If it gets worse, I’ll call out tomorrow. Racer owes me a covered shift anyway, I’ll talk to him if I need to.”

“If you’re sure,” Jack says softly, kissing the back of David’s neck. He then gently turns David around in his arms, running a hand through his hair. “Make sure you let me know if you need to go home, okay? I got a lotta sway over Char.”

David just grins and leans down, pressing a gentle kiss to Jack’s lips. “I’d rather go home with you,” He says softly, then sighs, grabbing the shirt off of Charlie’s desk. “I need to go check on my tables. I’d love to stay in here and have you all over me, but…”

Jack rolls his eyes. “I wasn’t all over you. I was makin’ sure you weren’t hurt,” He defends, though his smile is more than telling.

With a shake of his head, Davey finishes buttoning his new shirt, tucking it into his belt. It’s a little loose on him- it’s likely Jack’s- but he rolls the sleeves up and smiles in Jack’s direction. “Thank you, ahuví,” David says, and gives Jack one last kiss on the lips before they both walk towards the door.

“Ready to hate each other again?” Jack asks, and David squeezes his hand three times. They both walk out, discarding the dirty shirt into one of the trashcans in the kitchen, and David walks back to the front of house with a new smile on his face.

[catindabag]

TBOSAS on Crack short take (37)

Dr.Gaul: Hippity Hoppity! Welcome back to my precious laboratory.☺️🔪

Coryo: *Raises hand* Dr.Gaul, do we really need to end everything with a rhyme? I mean-

Dr.Gaul: Shut up, orphan. I’m in my zone. So put your hand down before I shoot you with a drone.

Sejanus: *Raises hand* Dr.Gaul, can I-

Dr.Gaul: You’re allowed to skip my class, Mr. Plinth.

Sejanus: But-

Dr.Gaul: Do I really need to give you another hint?

Sejanus: No. I’ll shut up now.

Dr.Gaul: Good. And as for today’s lesson, we will be discussing the importance of mutts in our modern day society.

Clemensia: Nope. Not today! I’m going home. Bye! *runs out*

Juno: Clemmie, we haven’t even started!

Dr.Gaul: Now who could tell me why-

Livia: Dr.Gaul, why are all your mutts super ugly? Can’t you make them cuter?

Arachne: Yeah! I want a mutt that’s cuter and fluffier than the President’s Bichon Frisé puppies!

Dr.Gaul: Can you not interrupt me for one sec-

Felix: Can we even create a mutt that’s cuter than my granduncle’s puppies?

Coryo: I don’t know. I’m more of a cat person, and nothing’s cuter than Boa Bell the cat.

Apollo: How about we fuse Boa Bell with the President’s puppy!😀

Festus: A cat and a dog? What are we gonna call it?

Gaius: Bichon Bell? Boa Pup? That’s all I’ve got.

Coryo: How about a cute hamster fused with a cute chipmunk?

Felix: Chipster? Chipham?

Urban: Cheap ham? Are we talking about food already?

Palmyra: I have some cheap ham right here! *shows a rotten holiday ham instead* Want one?😀

Florus: Ew. No. Put that thing away from me, Monty.

Palmyra: It’s still delicious!

Everyone: We’re not that hungry, Monty.🤢

Palmyra: Really? How about you, Price?

Persephone: No offense, Palm Palm, but I would rather eat my poor daddy’s Maid Stew again before I eat that.

Palmyra: Just one bite?🥺

Everyone: No.

Dr.Gaul: As I was saying-

Florus: Ok. Here me out. A cute baby duck fused with a cute baby penguin.

Iphigenia: Oh, Panem! A penduck! That’s super cute! I want one already, Flory!

Io: Me too! I’m so gonna tell my parents about that!

Coryo: Honestly, a “penduck” might be the most adorable thing that I personally want to see.

Festus: A penduck burger ain’t so bad either.🤤

Felix: Festus, bro, you can’t just eat a cute penduck!

Festus: Huh? Why?

Felix: Because I’ll make it illegal!

Festus: But if it moves, it’s technically food!

Persephone: I concur!😋

Urban: I mean, Creed’s not wrong. We can even sell it to raise more money for our poor class fund.

Dennis: Nice one, Ban Ban! Now that’s a good business proposal!

Urban: You guys do know about our depleted class fund, right?

Felix: Our precious class fund? I haven’t really addressed that issue-

Iphigenia: And we will never ever address it! Ever!

Felix: But-

Iphigenia: So who’s next? Sejanus, you go!😊

Sejanus: Ok. My turn! How about an adorable baby weasel fused with an adorable baby capybara!

Androcles: Can it swim though?

Pup: I don’t care! I want a baby “capysel” in my house!

Dennis: How about a baby pony fused with a baby kangaroo?

Vipsania: Fling, that’s brilliant! Who doesn’t want a “pongaroo” to fight them!

Lysistrata: Fight them? Is that even legal?

Vipsania: It ain’t animal abuse if they abuse you back, Lizzie!

Felix: Well, don’t mind me. I’m just gonna write that down.

Domitia: How about a baby cow fused with a baby horse?

Diana: You seriously want a “corse” for a pet?

Domitia: What? I literally live in a ranch.

Coryo: You mean a big ass luxurious mansion that looks like a ranch.

Livia: My turn! A baby otter fused with a baby koala!

Apollo: Wow, Livia, you really want the science peeps to make a baby “Koatter” for you?

Livia: Sure. Why not. I can afford it, unlike that poor orphan sitting over there-

Coryo: FYI, Cardew, my boyfriend’s father (Strabo Plinth) is willing to give me a zoo filled with the cutest mutts as a wedding gift after graduation!

Lysistrata: Sejanus, is that true?

Sejanus: Anything for my Coryo!😘

Dr.Gaul: Why am I even here? Just to suffer?!😩🔪

[averagejoesolomon]

Take a break from the terrifying reality that is our 24-hour news cycle, and join me in a fictional version of the 80′s instead.  We’re back to Full Circle, which can be read in full on Ao3.  Some of you may recognize this scene.  That’s because it’s the same scene, but much, much better.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, that’s also wonderful.  Enjoy!

Chapter Two

His first mistake was agreeing to meet and his second mistake was showing up.  His third mistake, admittedly, was ordering the beer-battered cod at a burger joint, but his fourth and final mistake had been his ultimate agreement to another six months of training.

If Matt’s honest with himself, he probably made the decision too quickly.  There had been music and laughter.  Cigarettes and beer.  The night was flush with a sense of melting tension that felt specific to Friday, as Army men from across all of Virginia ended their weeks over drinks.  It had been loud, and he had been tired, and the Deputy Director had made the future seem so alluring.

And while, yes, there is something to be said for the Deputy Director and his apparent Jedi mind tricks, Matt knows that maybe he was operating on too few hours of sleep.  Maybe he laughed a few too many times.  Maybe this was the first halfway decent meal he had since he was last back home on the ranch and maybe he was feeling just a little bit fuller than normal.

It ain’t a crime, for a guy to appreciate a little happiness.

There was all this talk about travel, and humanity, and purpose.  The promise of pay raises and possibility.  Overhead, Billy Joel was singing a song that Matt can never remember the lyrics to, while the bartender kept smiling at him, her lips big, and red, and round.  At some point within the euphoric haze, his eyes had wandered toward a table of four, and landed on the tattoo inked into one gentleman’s shoulders—an American flag, starting at the shoulder and draping down toward the elbow—and he had started thinking about duty, and country, and service.

All this to say: Matt’s not entirely convinced that this had been his decision, so much as it had been a perfectly executed manipulation strategy from a veteran intelligence officer with a determined agenda.  And he had fallen for it.  He had fallen hard.

Although, even if that’s true, he’s had plenty of opportunities to back out since—a call from the Deputy Director the next morning, background checks conducted across his family and his friends, countless tests with no clear answers, both written and verbal.  People don’t join the CIA on accident, and they certainly don’t hop on a bus to Camp Peary, Virginia unless they intend to stay for a little while.

So it’s possible that his presence here isn’t much of a mistake after all.  Even if it does feel like one, in the part of his gut that likes to flip over on itself in his more anxious moments.

It doesn’t help that Camp Peary’s security is stricter than any he’s encountered before.  Matt has spent the past year working out of an Army intelligence office, checking in each morning with badges and passcodes and the occasional psych evaluation, but none of that comes close to the level of surveillance he’s currently under.  Cameras cover every blind spot, bulky and noticeable.  His bag is checked with incredible detail.  They ask for his license, then his passport, and after a close examination, they ask him all about his time in Russia.  He’s answered these questions time and time again, so they come easy.

After much scrutiny and some cross-examination by a handful of guys who are taller, stronger, and probably smarter than he is, Matt is escorted through a buzzing gate.  Then another, just behind it.  The guard does not leave his side as they walk down a long, gray corridor that doesn’t seem to have much to it.

“Guess this ain’t the type of place where you want people wandering off, is it?” he tries.

The guard does not answer.  Not even a grunt.

It’s a long walk—made even longer by the distinct lack of conversational hospitality, which Matt graciously chooses to ignore.  They navigate out of one building and into another.  They trek down a staircase here, a staircase there, and walk down another handful of nondescript hallways.  They take so many turns that Matt loses track of where he is by the time the guard opens one of the nameless steel doors.

The emotionality of the room strikes him before anything else does.  Apprehension.  Excitement.  Anticipation.  Twenty-two sets of eyes turn toward him, triggered by the sound of a turning knob, and the strands of tension pull him into the hopes and dreams of everyone sitting before him.

At least, until the room realizes that he is not something—or, perhaps, someone—worth waiting for.

One by one, each person’s attention drifts away and settles back along their desks.  The room breaks out into a low, indistinct chatter that thrives in the whispered word.  Behind him, the door clicks to a close, and Matt knows that he’s been successfully corralled toward the rest of his herd.  All he can do now is hope that they’re not headed for the slaughter.

They’re all around his age.  Some look like familiar Army types—broad shoulders and postures just a little too straight.  Others look like they were plucked right out of a fight before they arrived.  Already forgotten about, Matt finds a seat near the back of the room and lets himself listen in on conversations that he’s probably not supposed to hear.

When the door opens again, he finds himself among the mass of expectant onlookers, unsure of what he’s waiting for, but certain that he’s waiting for something. It’s a girl, this time.  And one look has Matt thinking that maybe his waiting extends far beyond this moment.  One look at her has him feeling like he’s been waiting his whole life for this woman he’s never met, and now she’s here, standing right in front of him, and he can finally let the lifelong suspense subside.

She’s dressed in black, from the heels she wears to the scrunchie that holds up her hair.  She’s the bright smile, green-eyed goddess that all his favorite bands sing about, and her shirt hangs loose from her frame, with just enough slack for Matt to make out the words Star Wars below the image of Luke and his lightsaber.  There’s a streak of confidence to her, and a promise of mischief, and he craves her name in exactly the same way he might crave his mama’s apple crumble.

His glance fumbles to the seat beside him, because he’s just now noticing how empty it is.  Then he looks back up at her, because how could he not?  She catches him in the act, and her grin grows wider.  “What’s the matter, hot stuff?” she says, a tease in her tone.  “You look like you’ve never seen an empty chair before.”

She struts toward the seat, one clicked heel at a time, all with that same smile.  Matt watches wordlessly as she settles into the seat, crosses her legs.  At some point between the door and the desk, she’s pulled a Tootsie Pop out of nowhere and begins to unwrap it with abandon.  How she got food in past security, he may never know, but before he can think too hard about it, her attention bounces back to him.  “Or a woman, for that matter,” she says.

The sucker lands lightly on her tongue and she rolls it into her cheek.  She’s watching him, now, waiting for him to say something—because that’s what normal people do in conversation—but he’s temporarily without words.  None of them feel good enough for her.  None of them carry the proper weight.  But her eyes are baring into his breath, his heart, his fluttering stomach, so he scrambles out a sentence.  “I like your shirt.”

She’s grinning again, and Matt decides right then that he would move mountains for that smile.  

She glances down, and pinches the hem forward to get a better look for herself.  “This old thing?” she says.  “I mailed away for it ages ago—I was hoping to get the one with Han and Chewy, but you know.  You win some, you lose some.”

Everything about her demands attention.  She’s a neon sign in a smoky room, she’s the sudden taste of cinnamon, and she smells the way Cherry Bomb sounds.  “Luke ain’t so bad.”

She pulls the sucker out with a pop, and a deep red stain coats her words.  “Maybe not,” she says.  “If you’re into that whole radicalized farmboy thing.”

And Matt’s not exactly sure what that’s supposed to mean, but he don’t exactly care, either.  “He saved the galaxy.”

Abby rolls her eyes.  “The Force saved the galaxy,” she says.  “Luke just closed his eyes real tight and hoped to the high heavens.”

“That’s how it works.”

She shrugs.  “I like my men to be a bit more”—she gives him a once over from head, to toe, and back—“actionable.”

Matt blinks.  He’s lost track of everything that’s him, and given way to everything that’s her.  She smiles at him again, and it sends his stomach flipping once more.

“Abigail.”  He realizes, when the moment passes, that actually two girls have walked into the room.  The second feels more forgettable than the first, dressed in a simple denim, her jacket patched and pinned.  She’s quieter, and softer, and the brevity of her patience shows in her every feature.  “Don’t play with your food.”

Abigail pouts, with a great big lower lip and wide, round eyes.  “I’m not playing.”

The girl in denim sits at the room’s final seat.  Her movements look like they could come from the Army—strict and staunch and purposeful.  But she doesn’t look the type.  No.  Both of these women look like they belong someplace made up of marble, with flowing gowns and special silverware.  “No,” she agrees.  “Worse, you’re teasing.  Leave the poor boy alone.  It’s the most intense training program in the country, and you’re not going to have the time to properly break his heart.”

“You never let me have any fun.”

“You always want to have too much fun.”

“Rachel—”

“Don’t whine.  It’s not becoming.”

Only after they start arguing does Matt realize they look a little bit like sisters.  It brings him at least a little bit of clarity, but he doesn’t get a chance to ask the question before the door opens for a third and final time.

The gentleman who enters does not appear to have an escort.  As such, his entrance is swift, and uninterrupted.  Slouches turn to rolled back shoulders.  Talking turns to silence.  It becomes immediately clear that this is the person that the room had been waiting for, even if no one had known it at the time.  “Twenty-five of you in this room.”

He’s an older guy.  White stubble cuts at his jaw and the wrinkles turn his mouth into a permanent frown, but he moves quick, like he hasn’t lost a day.  His voice rumbles over gravel.  “According to every report they’ve ever run on my program, it’s likely that half of you come to me from military, and that the other half come from some of the best schools in the world—maybe you’re specially trained, or maybe your professors just like the look of you, so they gave me a call.”

He makes it up to the front of the room, shuffling through a pile of folders and paperwork that sit atop a bulky, metal desk.  “Twenty-five of you in the room,” he says.  “And it’s likely that nine of you won’t make it past the first week.”

This elicits some discomfort among his fellow recruits, manifesting in the form of shifting seats and crossed arms.  Some partake in a not-so-subtle look around the room, sizing up their competition.  “Of the remaining sixteen,” he goes on, “only seven of you will complete your training, and only five of you will pass it.”

Matt feels like maybe he should be taking notes, but then again, he’s not likely to forget these numbers.  And if he does, he’ll surely be reminded of them in the coming weeks.  

“Twenty-five of you in the room,” says the man, one more time.  As he does, he finally turns to face the class, and he reveals his most significant identifier—a years-old scar on his face, trailing from temple, to cheek, to chin.  “And of the five of you who pass this training, one of you is statistically proven to die in the field.”

Matt can’t help himself, this time.  He joins the majority who steal glances around the room, with a particular look toward Abigail.  She doesn’t seem all that concerned.  Matt begins to wonder if she even knows the meaning of the word.

At the front of the room, the gentleman says his final piece.  “Ladies and gentlemen, over the next six months, we’re going to ask you to do a lot of thinking about why you’re here.  Why you want to serve.  What makes you special.  If you are not prepared to take a one-in-twenty-five change at death, then now is the time to say so.  We’ll have a guard escort you out, and you can be the first of nine that we say goodbye to this week.”

He waits.  The room answers only in bated breath.  Heavy air fills the silence, while a static buzz defines the room, and Matt’s left with the distinct impression that he’s not at Boot Camp anymore.  

“Very well,” he says, a sense of ease falling over him.  “In that case: Welcome to The Farm.”

[oveliagirlhaditright]

https://archiveofourown.org/works/26073844

Neku and Shiki have a moment, after they comfort Beat in the hospital with Neku's presence: as he'd sort of just given up on living when he saw his best friend die:( Post-A New Day.

For NeShiki Day:)

The Rising Sun

Shiki walked into the hospital, not quite knowing what to expect. After she'd found out Neku had died and was in the Game again—when he hadn't shown up to their shopping date like he was supposed to—she had imagined that when he came back (and she hadn't allowed herself to think "if" he came back), Neku would be in the hospital, since Shiki hadn't imagined he'd come back from a fourth Game completely unscathed for some reason (though she'd hoped he would).

But Neku had come back perfectly fine, and it was Beat who was in the hospitalized. After Beat had watched Neku die again, he'd just become... lifeless. And had had to be admitted, as he hadn’t been eating and drinking on his own.

But now that Neku was back, Shiki was praying that seeing him would give Beat the will to trust in this life again.

So, Shiki was walking to Beat's room now, with Neku right behind her—past the far too white walls, and the smell of bleach when a janitor walked by—so she could prepare Beat for Neku's visit. Since they didn't want the poor guy having a heart attack in seeing Neku so out of the blue, even though it was a miracle.

Shiki was at Beat's room now; and she saw him in bed, sitting up to eat—which was certainly a good thing—and he smiled slightly when he saw her. "Yo, Shik. Thanks for stoppin' by. I ate half a burger today, an' the doc said I can go home if I keep it up. Ain’t that great?"

“Beat,” Shiki started, for some reason awkwardly teetering on her feet here, and once again becoming the unconfident girl that Neku had had to speak some hard truths into during Week One. “Neku’s alive. And he’s right behind me, actually, and going to come in to see you right now! And Rhyme told me to tell you she’ll be here as soon as she gets out of school!”

And needing no further introduction than that, Neku walked into room three-oh-four and waved at him. “Hey, man... I’m sorry for having scared you like that. Another girl, a bit like Josh, annoyingly needed me to play the Game again, if you can believe it. But I made sure that I’d win again… and I’m back.”

And not even caring about all the countless things he was connected to, Beat ripped all of the electronic cords off of himself and ran to Neku. And the skateboarder threw his arms around his best friend’s shoulders and sobbed.

Shiki saw outside the window then, that the sun was now rising high into the sky… and she hoped that such a thing would be indicative of Beat’s life now. But she was sure that it would be.

…

Later—after Beat had been released from the hospital that day, when the doctors had seen the light return to his eyes—Shiki and Neku decided to get some hospital food before leaving themselves. And as they were there eating the worst food that the two of them somehow liked, they had the following conversation.

“I’m glad Beat’s okay now, Neku. Besides Rhyme… I get the sense that you’re one of the only good things in his life. So, I can understand why losing you took such a toll on him, when he saw you shot like that… But do you think I should have behaved in such a way?”

And to say that Neku gave Shiki a look, at that self-loathing comment of hers, as he stabbed a few French fries into his ketchup, would have been an understatement. “Don’t be ridiculous, Stalker. The last thing I would have needed, was both of my best friends dying here while I was trying not to die in the UG. You stayed alive, and helped Beat do the same, and that’s exactly what I would have wanted from you. It’s even what I hoped you’d be doing last time, before those assholes decided to use you as my Entry Fee.”

And it was ridiculous that such a compliment from Neku—that was really just stating facts, and Neku having just wanted one of his friends to keep it together some, since even Rhyme had slightly fallen apart—could render Shiki into a blushing and stammering mess. But it did.

So—trying to hide behind her chicken wrap, while she still flushed—Shiki just said, “Th-thanks, Neku,” before trying to dip said sandwich in some Ranch Dressing, when she deemed it was safe to look at him again.

“Of course, Shiki.” And here, Neku reached across the table and took Shiki’s hand in his own… or she had thought he was trying to do that, anyway, but instead it seemed he was trying to give her his own thing of Ranch, since she was having trouble opening her own. It was still sweet, either way. “But if you really think you should do something for me, for not having sobbed at my absence… after we go to the movies with Beat and Rhyme—and maybe even Josh, if I can get him to take his head out of his ass for five seconds—“…I wouldn’t mind finally going on our shopping date.”

And it was at this point, that Neku seemed to admit the Ranch thing had just been a ruse to hold her hand, as he threw the condiment away from them and just laid his hand atop hers.

And Shiki closed her eyes in bliss and tried not to cry, as the months without Neku finally started to hit her hard. How glad she was, that they were finally over.

“I’ll do you one better than that. I’ll take you to a store that’s going to sell some of Eri and my designs now… you missed some things while you were gone, Neku.”

And one of those things, was how bold she now was when he was a constant presence in her life. She wasn’t afraid of trying to follow her dreams anymore, and it was all because of his belief in her.

And while Shiki would later tell Eri, it could have been either of them that stood up in their seat and lightly kissed the other on the lips just then… it was Shiki having done that to Neku, as he whispered a new sweet nickname against her chin “Chic”.

[bakugouscentedcaramel]

Southern Sweetheart

Here's 2.5k words of Southern S/O X Bakugou, enjoy the feast my darlins.

The smell of freshly tilled dirt just made you even more eager to see your family. The way the wheat fields moved like waves in the ocean eased your nerves and just proved you were finally back home. You finally convinced your boyfriend to tag along with you for the weekend, but he might've underestimated the extent of what was to come. This here land was your Homeland and he was in a strange alien world.

"Tch, I still don't know why we gotta come all the way out in the middle of nowhere to meet your fuckin family." Katsuki grumbled as he sank deeper into the passenger seat of your Wrangler.

"Cuz Hot Stuff, you've only met em once and it were only for bout 20 minutes. Besides they love ya as far as they can throw ya." You shifted gears to accommodate the transition from road to backroads, causing him to grip his seat a bit tighter.

"You good babe? I'm only goin' 50. Do you want me to slow down ya city slicker?"

OH BOY CAN YOU

"Fuck you, I'm just not used to these fuckin pothOLES" he reached for every handle your car had to offer and braced himself as he felt the wheels slam inside a crater.

You purposely hit a monster pothole head on to shut him up. Evoking a glare from your normally badass lover.

"Oh yer fine Katsu, if Ole Bessie here can handle a ragin' cow in heat she can handle a little pothole. Just try to relax and think of it like a rollercoaster." You slapped the side of your car door and gave him a wicked smirk.

"Only thing ya gotta worry bout is the rogue buck, so keep an eye out. It is deer o' clock after all."

"Tch I thought 'Ole Bessie' could handle a 'ragin' cow', you're telling me she can't handle a deer?"

"Not at 67 miles per hour, Katsu."

"WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING SO DAMN FAST"

"It's an unspoken rule to fly down these roads." You shifted gears and smirked as he sunk deeper into the seat due to the force of Ole Bessie claiming the road.

"Goddammit Y/n stop trying to fuckin scare me."

"Ah so it's workin then? Admit it Katsu!" You shifted again causing the speedometer to jump to 86.

"GODDAMIT YES OK IM FUCKIN SCARED OF YOU GOING THIS DAMN FAST ON A DIRT FUCKIN ROAD OK??" His were hands uncontrollably creating small Sparks out of sheer panic at this point.

"Fine, I'll slow it down a smidge. Jussa smidge though. How's 76?"

"GODDAMMIT Y/N!!!"

----

You smirk knowing what was coming up ahead. You knew Katsuki has probably never smelled farmland or even seen a real actual cow in flesh n blood and you couldn't help but giggle.

"THE HELL IS THAT?" He covered his nose and fanned the air staring at you accusingly.

"Well, roll up the windahs darlin', you're bout to smell some good ole dairy cows."

"What the fuck do you mean."

You point to his window and he looks out it to see a whole herd of dairys just grazing and swatting flies. You couldn't help but love his expression. You were right, he's never personally seen cattle before.

"Why are there so fuckin many."

"How do you think we fill up entire tankers full o' milk Katsu. We gotta have a bunch of em. You're lookin at this year's yearlin's. They ain't even fully grown yet and they're already built like tanks."

He pretended not to be interested but you could see him sneaking looks out of the corner of your eye.

Oh if only he knew what you had in store for him.

----

The sunset peaked over the crest of a corn field, you both were in the car for about 4 hours now and you still had a small bit to go still. You glanced over at him and he was sound asleep. His right hand propped his face against the doors' armrest and he was manspreading. His face was relaxed and showing you a softer side of him only you knew about. His gentle breaths putting you at ease. You couldn't help but keep stealing glances at him wondering how you could snag this piece of man.

You turned down the radio for him and you reached out to his left hand and rubbed the back of it gently. You were so blessed to have him by your side, especially since his family loved him to death even if they knew him so little. You truly were-

"FUCKIN CHRIST-" you slammed on the brakes causing you both to nearly fly into the dashboard.

Katsuki instinctively went into fight or flight and almost blew your windshield up before-

"MOVE OUT THE FUCKIN ROAD YOU GOTDAMN FUTURE VENISON BURGER" You slammed on your horn and the deer bounded back into the woods.

"WHAT THE FUCK JUS-"

"It's just a goddamn deer, fucker came outta nowhere I swear to Christ. Sorry to wake you up darlin'."

"Get out, I'm driving."

"The fUCk you are?! We're almost there anyway Katsu. Fucker probably came from out gotdamn land anyways." You pressed on the gas and continued your journey.

He huffed as you kept going, pretty much just blowing off his offer. At least he could collect his heart from the floor and relax a bit before finally getting to your place.

"Katsu, fair warnin, my family is well, out there."

"Really? I couldn't tell based off of you 'Darlin'"

"Heh, you gonna learn today then."

You whipped into the driveway causing Katsuki to glare at you for throwing him around. He looked to see what was your house, a seemingly picture perfect two storied ranch house fitted with an extended porch and a white picket fence. He would've made a comment about it being cliche before you rolled down the windows and nearly put your whole torso out of the window before-

"SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEY"

Katuski flinched at your loud outburst seemingly at random before realizing what that meant.

Out came your parents who replied with their own pig call and rushed down the steps. Your brother stood at the porch and just waved at you two.

"What in the fuck is going on."

----

After introductions and a night's rest Katsuki woke up to a rooster.

His eyes shot open and he flinched before he realized where he was. You were in the same bed and were snuggling into his bicep, he brushed some hair behind your ear and smirked before holding you closer to him. He was about to kiss your forehead before that damned rooster crowed again. You shifted in your half awake daze.

"Babe, there's an uncooked chicken nugget that's about to be deep fried, get up."

You mumbled incoherently.

He shook you awake gently, "babe I'm gonna roast that fuckin bird if you don't get up."

"mmm -Jerry alone…"

"What was that my lasso?"

"Leave Jerry alone.. he's a jackass but hnn…" you groaned reluctantly. "Wait… YOUR LASSO?? IS THAT A NEW NICKNAME KATSU??"

"Fuckin hell that's what got you up?"

----

After you two got dressed and made your way downstairs for a deliciously cooked southern breakfast of ham, bacon, eggs, and some buttermilk toast, you got your boots on.

"Where are we going now babe, I thought we were going to spend time with your family."

"We are. But if we're gonna stay here, we're gonna help round the farm. Besides I gotta force ya to meet some other family members."

He huffed and started putting on his sneakers before you stopped him.

"Uh uh, darlin' you need workin boots, not those. Good thing I already bought ya a pair." You shove him some cowboy boots and he nearly laughs.

"You're fuckin joking me right?"

You stare at him with a dead serious glare, "We both need em if we're gonna be doin the work that needs ta get done babe."

"What the fuck are we doing that needs these fuckin things?" He shakes the boots in the air

"Oh you'll see, sugar. Now c'mon, Curly's waitin."

-----

You lead your frustrated boyfriend out to the pasture and honestly you could barely keep your eyes off of him. The steel toe boots you got him, some blue jeans, and Lord have mercy on that plaid shirt he had on. He was the spittin image of a country boy, but-

"Where the fuck are we going. Who the hell is Curly?"

His question was soon answered when he was toppled over by a horned goat.

"THERES MAH BOY" you patted the goat and it bleated happily to finally see you.

"A FUCKING GOAT?"

Curly took this as a challenge and attempted to ram into Katsuki again only to have a palm stop his head.

"Yeah Katsu, Curly's a boer goat. He was supposed ta be a meat goat but we all kinda got attached. He's got a fiery attitude just like ya too." You shove Katsuki teasingly and Curly saw an opening, he rammed at the back of Katsuki's knees causing him to fall over.

"You really gonna let a lil goat push you round like that?" Your boyfriend growled in response.

You pull him back on his feet as you coddle him "Now c'mon, you're gonna learn how to ride a horse Katsu."

----

"I take it you've never ridden a horse before?" You leaned against the fence watching him scan the pasture

"Show me the nearest horse in the city and I'll be more than happy to ride the fucker." He glared at your stupid question before going back to panning the meadow.

"Don't be like that Katsu, our horses are two sweethearts, I think you'll like em."

"Well I don't see them so I guess we're not riding today babe"

You grab him by his hand as you lead him to the barn to pick up a square of alfalfa.

"Now when they come barrelin down to get this don't be scared of em. They can sense fear and your fear will make them scared. Horses are very emotion sensitive animals, so that means no yellin neither." You break the square in half and give him one before walking back over to the metal gates.

He climbs up on the first rung of the fence and just looks at you smugly, "I don't think they, want to see us today Y/n, can't we just-"

You bang your heel on the gate causing the lock chains to jingle loudly.

You've rang the dinner bell.

You smirk at Katsuki's face when he hears the thundering of hooves. Sure he thought he knew you had horses but not monsters.

Two horses came sprinting to the gate, one Belgian Draft and one Clydesdale.

Bakugou was so entranced by their sheer power of them just running that he didn't even realize they were coming in hot.

The Belgian nearly charged at Katsuki causing him to flinch and nearly fly off the fence.

"HO, Waffle that's 'nough now you damn dummy, you both best be kind to poor Katuski here. Ya damn near scared 'im to death with yer eagerness. Katuski, mere."

Katuski dusted himself off and picked up his dropped alfalfa, "damn fuckin overgrown donkey."

"Katsu I need you to stick your hand out and let ole Waffle smell ya first, don't face directly at em neither, they're a pretty animal so ya gotta not act like a predator." You patted the Clydesdale's neck as it ate the alfalfa out of your hand.

"Tch, you're practically attacking that one's neck and you're telling me not to act like a predator?" He huffed.

Waffle huffed and took a step towards him as an attempt to scare off your boyfriend.

"Waffle Ho, stop bein spunky. Katuski don't let him walk over you like that, side step to him and extend your arm out, but keep it at a downward angle."

He groans and does what you tell him. The horse smells him and he can't help but feel a rush of excitement when he feels the horses powerful exhale on his skin.

"Heh, you big bastard." Katsuki slowly holds out the alfalfa half and offers it to the horse.

Waffle takes the bit gently from his hand and trots off with it to eat it in the grass.

Katuski has a smile on his face and an idea crosses your mind.

"Wanna ride him Katsu?"

----

You saddle up both horses on your own despite Katsuki offering to carry the saddles for you. He could really appreciate their size when the seemingly tiny saddle complimented their sheer amount of muscle.

"So, you'll ride Waffle, and I'll ride Hades. Do you need help gettin on em?" You tug a bit on Hades' saddle girth.

"Are you sure you aren't the one who needs help?" He smirks and starts to make his way over before you fling your foot in one of the stirrups with seemingly unknown flexibility.

You fling yourself over on top of the saddle seat with ease and gently plop down, shifting a bit before flashing him a grin.

You watch him struggle for a bit before pointing out the mounting block and he cusses at you a bit before finally getting on.

"Now, these boys are work horses so they listen to direction pretty well. If you need any help just let me know darlin." You click your tongue and Hades starts walking, his hoof fall echoing in the barn before stepping outside.

You turn him around to face the barn to look at a very confused yet impressed Katsuki.

"M-move." He gently nudges Waffle with his stirrups to no avail.

"Katsuki these are workin horses, they got iron sides. Just click your tongue twice and he'll move."

He clicks his tongue and nearly falls out of the saddle when Waffle takes his first step. Then his second. And third.

You can see the excitement on your city slicker boyfriend's face as he realizes the meaning behind the best seat in the world is in a saddle.

He takes some getting used to the commands like Ho and Woa, but he's a surprisingly quick learner.

----

You start your car to head back home. Katsuki fully enjoyed himself and you couldn't have asked for a more supportive boyfriend.

Before your car lurches forward your brother runs to the passenger side and slaps a cowboy hat on Bakugou. He acts like he hates it but he doesn't take it off.

You two take off to head back home before you see him roll up his sleeves up to his elbows and fix his hat.

"You embracin the cowboy life now Katsu?"

"Never, but I can see the charm in it." He smiles genuinely at you for a split second before, "you do act a lot like Curly, are you sure you ain't related to him?"

"Oh ha ha Kat- DIDJA JUST SAY 'AINT'"

"No I fuckin didn't."

"KATSUKI 'YEE HAW PUT EM UP' BAKUGOU HAH"

This was going to be long trip back home for him.

[whatsthesquarerootofshoe]

I try all the time in this institution

"You should all be dead."

That was all Trizza could say as she stared up at the guy in front of her. It wasn't supposed to go this way. She'd called on the best. Nothing more than sheer power. Sure, she hadn't called on the guy she wanted to call, but it was whatever. The guys she did call should have been able to take care of these guys. There was no way they could have fought off her men. Her men must have run off with her money and abandoned the hit.

She hadn't known they were hunters, the whole lot of them. Trizza ran into them and all it took was a minor slight. She called the service. Send a large blondie, double pepperoni, pepper flakes on the side with some ranch dip, make it hot. The code set up for her calls, and her request for their best assassin. Her ideal hitman. The one she wanted as her personal assassin one day, once she had the money to pay his fees more than once. He was cool. Calm. Precise. Perfect. But he was unreachable. Likely dead, they said. And so she picked the next best options.

Now the targets were here for her. They'd found out about the hit and came to interrogate her. And the dark-haired one paused, giving the guy next to him a look. And the response from that guy was to pull the man in front of her aside and whisper in his ear. And they gave her looks. Odd looks, ones she'd only seen before from her mother. What did that mean? Why did they look at her like that? She pulled out a knife. The gaudiest knife in existence, of course. "Ain't nobody got time for this," she muttered.

A meme? A meme. Trizza tried to gather her thoughts. I hope the fuck you do. You'll be a dead son of a bitch, she thought. Oh god. She couldn't think straight. Why now? Why...oh, nevermind. It didn't matter why or how. All that mattered was that they were likely going to kill her in response to the hit, and she had to get out of there alive. She was going to get out of there alive. She had a feeling she would.

But in an instant, the tall guy disarmed her like it was nothing. She punched at him, but met empty air. The dark-haired one grabbed her by the wrists and wouldn't let go. She pulled back against his grip, to no avail. "I think she's possessed," Trizza heard him say. The idea snapped her out of her odd state. Possessed? Ghosts didn't exist, she thought. The supernatural wasn't real. She laughed. This was a joke. They were out of their minds, she assumed. If they thought she could be the victim of possession, why not give that act to them? They'd be dead soon anyway, she assumed. She wasn't dying any time soon.

"Possessed," Trizza stated. A sigh escaped her lips. "If that's what you want." She stopped struggling, trying to put on an air of superiority. Power. The idea that this is what she wanted. Her short stature was hindering this visual, but she tried. "Now, since I'm possessed, you should let me go or face the consequences. You don't know what I can do." Fake it until you make it. That's all she had to do. Threats, until they backed off and she could call out a second hit. A hit that worked.

But they didn't back off. The dark-haired one's grip tightened as his eyes narrowed at the girl. She scoffed at his gaze. He was quite the inquisitive one, as if trying to get a read on her. There was no need for that. "I said back off. Back the fuck off!" She kicked at him, starting to struggle again. It was no use. She was too weak. He was too strong.

Dave watched the scene, almost amused. Was this girl possessed, or acting? He couldn't tell. Are you sure she's possessed? He thought to Karkat, crossing his arms and trying to get a read on the girl. She had a surprising amount of resistance to his abilities - more than the average human. But it wasn't enough to block him out. He didn't go too deep, but she had almost everything right on the surface. Agitation. Confusion. A wish to fight them, one on one. Two on one. All on one. A call for blood - their blood - to spill in front of her eyes. A twinge of fear, hidden but not unreadable.

Boot, meet face. Dave careened backwards, staring shocked at the girl half his size. She'd kicked him in the face somehow. How'd she get so close to him? The back of his hand instinctively went up to his nose. Blood. He was bleeding. He heard her begin to chuckle. "Fuck you," She spat. Boy was she nasty. He got up, keeping his hand to his nose. The dark feelings coming from Karkat made him pause. 'kat, I'm okay, don't hurt her yet. He thought. "What did we even do to you?" He asked the girl. Was it because they were hunters? That had to be the reason. There was no other logical reason for--

"Some fuckin' kid hanging with the giant douchebag over here tripped me at Burger King," The girl stated. She gestured with her head toward D. It was the most dumb reason to want someone dead. And why was she calm again? She had to be bipolar or possessed. She couldn't have been normal. None of this was normal. Calling a hit for someone's entire family over an accident in a fast food chain? That was petty stuff a mob boss would do in a movie! Not something someone who appeared to be no older than 12 did!

D sighed. So that’s why she looked familiar. That was one of the most stupid things he'd ever heard, but he remembered it. Seb had gone with him to help pick up dinner and hadn't watched where he was going. There had been a sorry and an attempt to help up that she declined, and they'd thought that was that. But it was a relief. This wasn't about them being hunters. It was about some kid acting stupid. A strange kid with piercing fuchsia eyes and a death wish. "That it?" He asked, watching as the girl nodded and went back to struggling. There was an odd disconnect between her actions. Nothing led to its logical conclusion, nothing had a logical start.

...and it's a long way forward so trust in me and give them shelter like you've done for me and I know I'm not alone you'll be watching over us until...

Music began to erupt from the girl's pocket. "Let me go so I can answer that, jackass," She demanded. Karkat looked to D and Dave. They shook their heads. With his free hand, he pulled the device out of her pocket. A gaudy fuchsia and gold cell phone. On the screen was the call screen, with one name: "Room Service". That wasn't weird in the slightest. Nope. He hit 'answer' and turned on speakerphone. When no one spoke, he gave the phone's owner a look.

"Yo," Trizza said, almost sounding nervous. "You've reached alpha base." "We've lost three good men thanks to you," Came the reply. Male. Cold. Unnatural and calm. Dave thought it sounded familiar. "You must'a sent your rookies." "You also failed to pay." "Deal was... Hit successful, you get paid." "That isn't how this works, Trizza Tethis." "How do you--"

Click. The person on the other end hung up. Trizza grit her teeth. Not only did these chumps know her name, the service did too. She stopped struggling. "Change of fuckin' plans," she said. "Let go of me." No one moved. She watched as they gave looks to each other, as if making plans with telepathy. What was she supposed to do now? "I said let me the fuck go. L...Let me go!" She pulled against Karkat's hands, to no avail. Then, she lurched forward and grabbed her phone from his hand. Murmuring low under her breath, she began typing on it as fast as her hands would allow.

Karkat, in his surprise, let her go and stepped back. He thought he could hear her humming a song... Mama mia, let me go, Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me... What a weird thing to be humming.

Dave heard it through Karkat. Was that a panic response? Was she panicking? She didn't look very panicked, not to him at least. He stepped closer to Trizza and put a hand on her shoulder. "Hey," He said. "Hey. Uh... Trizza, right? What the hell is going on?"

Trizza looked back at Dave and almost dropped her phone. She tried to find some words - normal words - to explain, but her mind wasn't working too well under pressure. She couldn't fight off an assassin! What was she supposed to do, hide for the rest of her life? She pushed the guy away and stepped back to lean against a wall. "Fuck... It's... Uh... Upsetti...." she blurted. Why couldn't she get any words out right now that weren't idiotic? She had to explain somehow. "Uh... Uhhhh... (God, I wish I was dead...) Uh...." Think. Think. Assassins. Death. Gotta run. Death. Help. Darude Sandstorm's music video. Running in the 90s. Deja Vu. She looked back to her phone and did a little more on it and then turned the volume up. The sound of a very stupid old song echoed to life.

Elmo's got a gun Elmo's got a gun Big Bird's on the run Ernie's dialing 911...

She rubbed the bridge of her nose and turned her phone off after a few more seconds, slapping it into her pocket so fast she almost dropped it. What an embarrassment she was being. She couldn't even explain a simple thing as not wanting to stick around to get assassinated. Fuck these guys. They could stick around all they wanted, but she was out of there. The girl made a mad dash toward the nearest window and ran straight into D. "FFFFFF--" She hissed. She stopped and glared at him, moving to head in the other direction.

"You're comin' with us, little miss trouble." D hoisted the girl up over his shoulder and began walking. "Let's go." As he walked, he couldn't help but notice how light she was and how futile her kicking and beating on his back was. How had she kicked Dave in the face with such force? She was swinging her arms and legs as much as she had before and wasn't getting to half the strength she had then.

"Got it," Dave and Karkat replied, almost in unison. They followed behind, making sure to stay out of the way of Trizza's kicking and beating on D. They conversed in their minds, very much aware of what she meant by that song. It's symbolism. She's in trouble just as much as we are, Dave thought to Karkat. The demon nodded in agreement. They had to hide her for now and keep her on watch. She felt like a demon, but she also...didn't? It bothered him so much that he couldn't tell. It was easier to tell a half-demon apart from a human and a demon than it was to tell what exactly she was. She had to be a powerful demon to hide her aura that well. Or she could be a changeling. Or she could have had a brush with demons before and they left something on her as a calling card.

Whatever she was, they tossed her in the truck and sped off toward a safe place. All the precautions were in place, so there was no worrying whether anyone would find them. Now the task was getting her to explain herself.

Inspired by @knight-of-heart-and-art‘s Demonstuck series and random asks on their blog.

Oh and the title’s a meme. :)

[sebtaitt]

NOVEMBER 24TH, at THE BIG BURGER DINER with @casskaykingston

A very, very small part of Sebastian regretted informing Cassidy Kingston that he had the next two days off of work. Unlike Natalie, who was thankfully an ‘enabler’ of sorts when Bash just wanted to haul up in his place for the evening, Cass was much less likely to accept the lingering stages of brooding and instead was insistent that they had a guys night out. Threats of fireman carrying Bash through Downtown were even made, which had elicited a laugh from the young man despite his immediate “as if you could actually carry me” remark on the matter. 

Luckily for him, The Big Burger Diner wasn’t all too packed that evening. A pool stick balanced casually in his grip as he’d sipped at his beer, blue eyes settled on his company. Listening intently to the goings-on of the Kingston family ranch while the dull chatter of other patrons gathered by the sports bar nestled idly in the backdrop. “Ya’ know, I might poke fun and act like it’s some kinda chore but if you ever need an extra set a’ hands around just say the word. Ain’t no sweat off my back. It’s the least I can do,” 

[sk3ll3tor]

“I cry a lot because I miss people. They die and I can't stop them. They leave me and I love them more.”

--Maurice Sendak

[ Soulmate ]

And I long to be carried on Once to be lifted strong, Out of the loneliness, and the emptiness of the days

I remember bein’ eighteen. Mom just ‘bout killed me for comin’ home with a broken arm, and said she’d mend it just to break it again-- I had her so worried. Dad was too fuckin’ drunk to notice I’d been gone all night, and Jesse was too busy sleepin’ to give me shit about it. Jamie was too young to really understand what was happenin’. It was one of the last things I’d ever do with Jackson.

But I’d never felt more alive. I’d never been on a motorcycle before, but there on Jackson’s bike, it felt like we were flyin’. We were two peas in a pod. Inseparable. He’d been hired to work at the ranch for one summer, but ended up comin’ back the following summer. That’s when we discovered each other. He had a motorcycle and we’d sneak out at night to go drink by the river or find twenty four hour diners. I’ve never told anyone about him, except to those who knew him because even after all this time, it still hurts to think about.

Thinkin’ back on it, maybe that’s why all my relationships have been destined to fail. My soulmate is dead. Everythin’ else is... passing through, only to leave me just as empty as it found me. I ain’t ever told anyone ‘bout how much he meant to me. He battled with things in his mind that he wanted no one to help him with, and that he didn’t get help for when all was said and done. With the pull of a trigger, he made sure we never took that cross-country trip we always talked about. We fit together so perfectly, and I’ll admit, I’m happy and envious that my brother’s found that.

Jamie says a person can have more than one soulmate. That there aren’t any set rules on it, but I don’t know if I believe him. I think I met mine, and this world was too much for him. We were brief, like passing ships in the night. There’s a lot of things I wish. I wish I wasn’t so chickenshit back then and left with ‘im when he asked. I wish I’d have taken the leap sooner. It shouldn't have taken that to get me to admit the truth to my family.

Still, I’ll never forget the summers we spent by the Mississippi River. We met when we were sixteen, and by the time we were eighteen, we were in love. Our spot, specifically, under one of the bridges. Jack would bring some lunch from his job at one of the local burger joints, and I’d bring beer stolen from my dad. Sometimes we’d go fishin’, or swimmin’, and he was the first person I kissed. I was so scared! I remember wonderin’ if there was somethin’ wrong with me for likin’ men, but Jack reassured me. We weren’t exactly innocent. Hormones ragin’, we were addicted to each other.

Til his brother found us out. Jack was sent away to live with his grandmother while he finished up his last year of high school, only he didn’t. They said he stole his father’s handgun to do it. I wasn’t allowed to go to his funeral in Wyoming, but I’ve since visited his grave. I’ve made too many mistakes to sit and take tally, and there ain’t much use in wallowing in shoulda coulda woulda’s. In honor of him, I’ll live my life as fully as I can and as honestly as I can. He’d want that.

I take comfort in knowin’ we don’t know what comes next. Maybe I’ll see Jack again in another life, or maybe I’ll find another soulmate. Maybe I’ll figure out that soulmate’s been under my nose the whole time. Or maybe I won’t. What I do know is that I’ll never forget or regret what I had with him.

[abiteofnat]

IN HONOR OF THE VICTORIA SECRET FASHION SHOW, HERE ARE SOME PHOTOS OF PIZZA AND A DOSE OF BODY POSITIVITY... 

Because when you’re in sweatpants, writing this from bed, it’s only right to be daydreaming about having a six pack and eating total junk food. But like, the classiest and MOST elegant junk food found in hip restaurant atmospheres. And I may have just polished off a full meal from one of these places post-workout twenty minutes ago... not looking like that. Not even close. But that’s the best part! I love getting my sweat on and then eating 5x the amount of calories I probably burned off because self-care is in the eye of self, so if you want to skip the workout go ahead and enjoy surfing Door Dash babyyy. I take “everything in moderation” to mean “everything that makes you happy and then also maybe a carrot” so as long as your happiness comes first, sometimes with a side of cake, that’s all that matters. I ate a large order of sweet potato fries without breathing and only regret it a little because I keep burping truffle aioli! Now that we’ve determined the best food for you is the food you love, let’s jump in. 

I have YET ANOTHER spot to seek from the West Loop *cue echoes of “anotha one, anotha one” as well as a new Lakeview favorite, and wowie if you’re into all-American cuisine this is the post for you. In typical Natalie fashion I decided to celebrate the end of graduate school finals for a week straight and tried to see as many of my friends and eat as much as I could before everyone scattered for winter break/ to do important family things, which led to a lot of indulgent meals and alcoholic drinks. And while I’m not usually one for bar food or “American” cuisine because it’s rarely vegetarian friendly unless I want a salad or three different types of fried things- CORRECT pizza and a good veggie burger can sway me. What is “correct pizza” you ask? Don’t get me started on my deep dish pizza rant... it’s fuckin blasphemy. What the fuck is deep dish pizza. Who, why, what needs to eat that?!?!? Lou’s thin crust is perfection and yes, I will fight you on this, so let’s tango you “Chicagoans” who take your parents for deep dish the minute their plane lands for a visit. 

Mental note- don’t be so evil over your blog. Noted.

Place with the “correct pizza” is Parlor Pizza Bar on Green St., and it’s one of the coziest, most welcoming pizza parlors I’ve ever been to. By day expect a spacey warehouse filled with sleek wooden tables and chairs, a large bar in the middle ready for a 2 p.m. beer, and two giant pizza ovens roasting away in the back. In the summer there’s outdoor seating and they seem to have endless amounts of tables- this place is HUGE, and therefore LOUD. So by day, head here for an excellent lunch combo deal to share with friends and enjoy a lazy afternoon or while on the way to a sporting event. By night, it becomes dim-lit, shockingly intimate, and alive with the out-and-about foodies of the city. It’s high-caliber pizza for happy hour-turned-dinner, beautiful salads and appetizers to share with a date, and the added bonus of watching the magical pizza men putting together these one-of-a-kind pies. Which brings us to the main event- forget my amazing friend I got to catch up with! I came for the pizza, bitch! (Just kidding, Lauren I love you!)

I chose the “Save The Last Ranch” pizza and it was by far one of my favorite pizzas. As stated earlier I have a thing for truffle, and this pizza was SLATHERED in a black truffle ranch that played too well off the juicy broccolini and the sharp fontina cheese, melted over a chewy yet bubbly crust and sprinkled with red pepper. All those flavors come together in an orchestra of spice, richness, and a crisp bite of vegetable to keep it from being ranch fondue. It’s incredible. It is so much to handle, but in the best way, unless you hate truffle because in that case you will despise this pizza. ME? Bathe me in truffle ranch... mmmmmmhm. 

Lauren, the classiest girl I know, wanted to go for something a little more tempered so we got the always-delicious Margherita pizza that still gave 110% on flavor, freshness, and texture. The sauce was sweet with a kick of chili flake, the cheese was soft and creamy but with that ridiculously sexy firmness to sink your teeth into that you want from pizza, and when you add some sprinkled parm on top it’s just decadent. If you’re frightened by the crazy za’s, stick with the classics!

SO. If that’s not enough carbo loading for you to chew through, try DMK Burger Bar in Lakeview right off the Wellington stop and order every single type of french fry they have. I wanted to go and celebrate doing pretty damn well in one of my classes so my girl Luzi agreed to eat through the menu at 9 p.m. with me, bless her soul for waiting, and I immediately ordered a margarita which was delivered in a gigantic glass that was 80% tequila which spiked a deep hunger within. I see what you’re doing there, DMK. 

My choice was the #8 with two veggie patties, and it was your standard composition of butter pickles, lettuce, tomato, slaw of some kind, aged cheddar, and secret sauce all piled on the most delicious burger bun I’ve ever had. It’s sweet and puffy but dense and holds it’s shape, and the best thing I can compare it to is a Hawaiian dinner roll. Umf. The first bite took my breath away, and while veggie burgers are usually pretty good this one is just like DAMN. It’s thick, filling, and perfect with the crunch of ice burg lettuce and a meaty tomato slice. I also got the “Angry Fries” which are sriracha-mayo coated french fries topped with more spices and some green onion, and they were definitely best eaten with a fork and paired with the marg. Some sugary drank and a forkful of saucy, spicy fries? Ain’t no celebration is better celebrated than with that. That burger is exactly what I ordered tonight... I am one chubby lil burger baby right now. FANTASTIC. (Oh, and the sweet potato fries were excellent! They come with a lemon tabasco aioli.)

The menus at both these places are jam-packed with super unique items and a whole lot of things I can’t wait to go back and try, but like I said earlier “bar” food is super meat heavy so a lot of the choices wouldn’t be prepared how they were dreamed up if I deleted half the ingredients. Meat eaters, go out and please eat all the yummies that Parlor Pizza and DMK have to offer, and for the love of God order the parm-truffle fries at DMK because they are delightful. 

Alrighty friends, hopefully this fuels your weekend food adventures! I’m off to NYC for a 72 hour adventure... my favorite :) Send suggestions where I should go eat Monday when I’m on my own for a couple hours! 

Until next time, Happy Eating! 

-Natalie

[veronica-rich]

Murica!

I want to tell you about my culinary mini-adventure today. It was a state fair advance event and a bunch of us were invited to sample new fair foods. If you're not familiar with the particular mythos of the American Midwest or South state fair, all you really need to know is it consists of (1) weird new ways to combine foods (2) on a stick (3) and a lot of times, in a deep fryer. Here are things I ate today for lunch: Buffalo chicken gyro with ranch sauce (nice and cool) Tater tots smothered in fried bison, hot cheese and spicy buffalo sauce (tongue on fire DNW) A corn dog split and covered in mac-and-cheese, chili, and jalapeños (not bad) Funnel cake as the starch base of strawberry shortcake with ice cream instead of whip cream (so good, even better than the red velvet funnel cake) A pork burger topped with pineapple ring and peanut butter (ehhhhhh) Deep fried PB&J dusted in powdered sugar (better than it sounds) There's also BBQ-dusted deep fried bacon I did not try, as well as deep fried turkey-wrapped cheeseballs, and root beer milkshake. If any of this sounds improbable, I will remind you that years ago I sampled deep fried butter. A pat of butter wrapped with sugar in a breading agent to contain it through frying. It was no better than the deep fried Snickers bite I also was roped into trying in a Southern diner I used to frequent; I would not touch either again. But the PB&J ain't half bad.

[thefanficfaerie]

Advice for anyone moving to Arkansas

@mccoymostly 1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it. 2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Just stay home the two days of the year it snows. 3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. 4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals & bait in the same store. 5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive. 6. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are you?" 7. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle. 8. If you hear a redneck say, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way, these are likely his last words ever. 9. Get used to the phrase "It's not the heat, it's the humidity". And the collateral phrase "You call this hot? Wait'll August." 10. There are no delis. Don't ask. 11. In conversation, never put your hand on a man's shoulder when making a point, especially in a bar. 12. Chili does NOT have beans in it. 13. Brisket is not 'cooked' in an oven. 14. Don't tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares. 15. If you think it's too hot, don't worry. It'll cool down-in December. 16. We do TOO have 4 Seasons: December, January, February, and Summer. 17. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol, a Chevy, Dodge, or Ford is. 18. If someone tells you "Don't worry, those peppers aren't hot" you can be certain they are. 19. If you fail to heed my warning in #18 above, be sure to have a bowl of guacamole handy. Water won't do it. 20. Rocky Mountain oysters are NOT oysters. Don't ask. 21. If someone says they're "fixin" to do something, that doesn't mean anything's broken. 22. Don't even think of ordering a strawberry daiquiri. What you really mean to say is 'Margarita.' 23. If you don't understand our passion for college and high school football just keep your mouth shut. 24. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade. 25. If you see a slower moving vehicle on a two lane road pull onto the shoulder that is called "courtesy". 26. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hot dogs outdoors. 27. No matter what you've seen on TV, line dancing is not a popular weekend pastime. 28. "Tea" = Sweet Iced Tea. There is no other kind. 29. Everything is better with Ranch dressing.

[preliatorjay-blog]

ADVICE FOR ANYONE MOVING TO LOUISIANA! (No joke)

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it. 2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Just stay home the two days of the year it snows. 3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. 4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals & bait in the same store. 5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive. 6. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?" 7. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle. 8. If you hear a redneck say, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way, these are likely his last words ever. 9. Get used to the phrase "It's not the heat, it's the humidity". And the collateral phrase "You call this hot? Wait'll August." 10. There are no good delis. Don't ask. 11. In conversation, never put your hand on a man's shoulder when making a point, especially in a bar. 12. Hot dog chili does NOT have beans in it. 13. Brisket is not 'cooked' in an oven. 14. Don't tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares. 15. If you think it's too hot, don't worry. It'll cool down-in December. 16. We do TOO have 4 Seasons: December, January, February, and Summer. 17. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol, a Chevy, Dodge, or Ford is. 18. If someone tells you "Don't worry, those peppers aren't hot" you can be certain they are. 19. If you fail to heed my warning in #18 above, be sure to have a glass of milk and some bread handy. Water won't do it. 20. Rocky Mountain oysters are NOT oysters. Don't ask. DON'T GOOGLE IT EITHER! It's worse than regular oysters! 21. If someone says they're "fixin" to do something, that doesn't mean anything's broken. 22. Don't even think of ordering a strawberry daiquiri. What you really mean to say is 'Margarita.' 23. If you don't understand our passion for college and high school FOOTBALL 🏈just keep your mouth shut. 24. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade. 25. If you see a slower moving vehicle on a two lane road pull onto the shoulder that is called "courtesy". 26. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hot dogs outdoors. 27. No matter what you've seen on TV, line dancing is not a popular weekend pastime. 28. "Tea" = Sweet Iced Tea. There is no other kind. 29. Everything is better with Ranch dressing. 30. DO NOT honk your horn at us to be obnoxious, we will sit there until we die! 31. We pull over and stop for emergency vehicles to pass. 32. We pull over for funeral processions, turn our music off and men remove hats or caps. Some people put their hand over their heart. 33. Most of us own at least one gun. 34. "Bless your Heart" is a nice way of saying you're an idiot.

[mistertcat]

25 Lessons from Age 25

1. HOME IS A VIBE

Throughout my whole life, I always thought home was a place. A city, a state, four walls and a hard-wood floor. I don’t believe this anymore. With my family and friends spread out across the country like a cream-cheesed bagel, I realized now that home is as much everywhere as it is nowhere. It’s in the memories and the songs and the thoughts that race through my mind as I fall asleep. Ain’t no place like it. 

2. SUMMER IN THE SOUTH IS LIKE WINTER IN THE MIDWEST

It’s the kind of lock-yourself-in-and-binge-watch weather that I though only existed in the dark days of Midwest winter. Except in the South, an Irish Coffee does not soften the blow. No liquor nor liquid can save you from this wet heat. It’s like being trapped inside of a beached whale. Just embrace the sweat. Just breathe. It’s the price one pays for 70 and sunny in December.

3. THE SOPRANOS IS THE GREATEST SHOW OF ALL TIME

I don’t know why it took me so long to press play on episode one. Probably some combination of fears. The fear that one cultural phenomenon from the early 2000’s could never live up to the hype. The fear that 7 seasons might as well be considered a hobby. In any case, the fear wasn’t warranted. The character depth on this show could home a giant squid. It’s simply the best.

4. NFL KICKERS ARE VALUABLE 

Every August, I offer up my emotional wellbeing to the 53-man roster of the San Diego Chargers. And every year, they find an innovative way to lose games – spiraling me into a fit of heated disappointment for 2-3 subsequent days. This year, my anguish was at the feet of 5 incompetent kickers. Never in my life have I seen so many different people do equally shitty at the same job. 9-7 could have been so much more.

5. TALES FROM THE CRYPT

I don’t really know what crypto currency is and I don’t really care to do the research. All I know is that my roommates convinced me to buy some. Now, on a daily basis, I’ve either lost everything or I’ve exponentially multiplied my money. It’s a great way to inject some crippling fear into your otherwise stable life.

6. I CAN ROUGH IT

We were warned that humans should not go to the Appalachian Mountains in such hazardous winter conditions. “That’s cute,” they said. “I love camping and I would never do that,” they said. I laughed this off as I soaked up the rays of the mountain sun. At the tender hour of 6 PM, I knew they were right. Never in my life have I been so cold, but I survived the night. 

7. THE GRIND IS REAL

My dentist recently told me that I grind my teeth when I sleep. I didn’t really believe him until my first night with a sleep-in mouth guard. I woke myself up 3 times from chomping down on that bad boy like corn on the cob. Touché mister dentist…touché.

8. HOW TO EAT CRAWFISH

It’s way harder than it fuckin looks, and everyone has a style that they think is right. The most effective way for me: Rip off that head, slurp the juices, crunch the sides of the tail lightly, peel back the shell, and eat the meat. Repeat until you are disgusted with yourself.

9. DON’T SKIMP ON THE FISH BOWL CONDITIONER

Instead of running out to PETCO to grab another bottle of water conditioner, I thought I could stretch out the last remaining bit among two bowls and re-up for the next round. The next morning, I found both of my Beta fish (Pepperjelly and Kyrie) dead at the bottom of their tanks. The scene will stick with me until I too am dead. I’m so so sorry guys. 

10. KEEP IT SALTY

The easiest way to turn your body into Gumby and your brain into gum balls is through a hot epsom salt bath. I don’t know what they put in that stuff, but I am hooked. You ladies had this shit down a long time ago and I applaud you for it.

11. HOW TO FLY ON AN AIRPLANE

I flew on more planes this past year than I did the 24 years prior combined. With lots of practice, you learn little things that assist on the journey. Firstly, download your Spotify playlists before the flight so you can listen in the sky. Secondly, use the debit card with the bad strip and they will give you your Gin & Tonic for free to avoid holding up the line.

12. HOW TO MAKE A GOOD GIN & TONIC 

I had a new-found love and appreciation for this drink in 2017. It’s sharp, yet refreshing. Sophisticated, yet simple. Just a damn good drink for the night time hours. Pour 2 shots gin and 2 ½ shots tonic over a ¾ full glass of ice cubes. Top with a one-second squirt of lime juice. Stir and drink with a colorful bendy straw. Add a splash of orange or cranberry juice if you are feeling “tropical.” Enjoy.

13. THE RAPPER’S WRITING PROCESS

There’s something magical about the driver’s seat that I just can’t get from sitting down at a desk. As much as I like to write, I’ve never written a song on paper. I start with a line in my head and say it out loud and build it bit by bit, so by the time it’s done I already have it memorized. With the beats blasting, I can write and recite over and over until it’s polished. Sometimes at night I drive up and down the same strip of Canal St. while I work on a song. I probably look like a drunkard, but process is process.

14. KENDRICK LAMAR HAS MY BACK

DAMN. came out about one week before I moved from Omaha to New Orleans, and it served as the soundtrack to my re-location. It was the sound of a transition of styles. Something new, scary, and exciting. Fast forward six months, and I’m feeling lost. I see Kendrick live on stage at Voodoo Fest, surrounded by thousands of people chanting “We gon’ be alright!” in unison. His presence alone feels like some sort of divine intervention. He was my support system throughout this whole thing.

15. BEWARE THE SPICY SALADS 

I learned this lesson twice at 25. The first time was a pre-packaged Cajun salad at Louis Armstrong Intl. Airport in New Orleans. The pink dressing made my eyes water and I was completely taken off guard. It was a good burn. The second time was at the Chili’s in the Dallas Fort-Worth Airport. Their chipotle ranch dressing was spicy on a practical joke kind of level. When the waiter asked if I wanted more dressing we both laughed in a “fuckin good one” kind of way. My subsequent flight was the worst of my life.

16. I CAN ROCK A CAP

I always thought that my head was too small or misshapen for hats. I experimented at age 15 and hated the results. Since then, I have largely avoided the idea altogether. One Autumn day, I tried on a random hat hanging on the coatrack and my whole view changed. My head was made for the so-called “dad cap.” My hair might not last forever, but a new door has been opened when it comes to cranial decorations.

17. DON’T BET ON THE SPREAD

You might as well buy something instead of just throwing your money away on sports betting. “Oh, Creighton is a 9-point underdog to Gonzaga?! This is too good to be true!” Creighton lost by 17 and this was the first and last time I will bet on a sporting event. Even at the casino, you play games and get free drinks. Sports betting is a hot date that never shows up to the restaurant. Enjoy that cold dinner alone, Tyler. You deserve it.

18. CLOTHES STEAMER > CLOTHES IRON

Light, compact, effective, and efficient. I don’t know how I got by without one  of these gizmos before. Just put that shirt on a hanger and blast away with some steam. It’s almost too easy. Word of caution: DO NOT use the clothes steamer while you are wearing the clothes. I did this and got a Burger King looking grill mark burn on my chest for about a week.

19. I HAVE A THING FOR FRENCH GIRLS

Namely, French girl singers of the 1960s. France Gall, Brigitte Bardot, Françoise Hardy, and the like. I have no idea what they are saying in their joyous tunes, but it’s so buttery that I don’t care. I feel like I understand it nonetheless. I also met Marion this year, a real-life lady from France. She loved to dance and I will miss her.

20. ALONE TIME IS A GIFT

I took this for granted when I had my own apartment with just me and my cat Pancake. I could do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and got very little pushback on my lifestyle choices. If I cleaned up, it stayed clean unless I made a mess. If I wanted to sleep in, I slept in. It was simple. Now, with two roommates, I’ve learned to cherish the time I get alone. You never know how long it will last.

21. I CAN FINISH AN AUDIOBOOK

It’s always been difficult for me to read an entire book. I get bored, my eyes get tired, and after a while, I’m just reading words while thinking about food or when I fucked up “memorable” in the 5th grade spelling bee. “M-O-M...do I have to finish?” My love of podcasts has been around since my late teens, so it seems pretty obvious that audiobooks might be a good way to absorb some literature. Obvious or not, it took me several years to figure that out. I’m very happy to have gained valuable insights from Chuck Klosterman, Malcolm Gladwell, Tina Fey, and others this past year.

22. THERE ARE MANY DIFFERENT TYPES OF POOLS

Back in Nebraska, I knew of three types: home, public, and country club. I figured that this was just how pools worked in the United States. I was wrong. There are all sorts of weird pools. Swanky rooftop pools with all attractive people and $15 drinks. Tiny park pools that look like Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater creations. And then there is The Drifter. A pool for the punk scene where tops are optional. What a world we live in.

23. AMAZON PRIME IS AN INCREDIBLE DEAL

I had my entire living arrangement shipped for free to my doorstep in 2 days. Bed and desk and chairs - everything. The works. If it can be bought, you can buy it on Amazon. On top of that, you can watch Transparent, Mozart in the Jungle, and One Mississippi. If that’s not worth $100, I don’t know what is.

24. TALKSPACE THERAPY IS MY SHIT

Thank you for everything Jenise! 

25. YOU CAN MAKE NEW FRIENDS, BUT YOU CAN NEVER REPLACE YOUR HOMIES

You know who you are. You know all of the dumb shit we’ve done. You were there through all of the bad breakups and shakeups and opportunities to eat chicken wings. It has not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. I love you guys and gals to death.

[knightriderradio]

ADVICE FOR ANYONE MOVING TO KY!

ADVICE FOR ANYONE MOVING TO KY! 1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it. 2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Just stay home the two days of the year it snows. 3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don'tanic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. 4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals & bait in the same store. 5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive. 6. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?" 7. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle. 8. If you hear a redneck say, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way, these are likely his last words ever. 9. Get used to the phrase "It's not the heat, it's the humidity". And the collateral phrase "You call this hot? Wait'll August." 10. There are no good delis. Don't ask. 11. In conversation, never put your hand on a man's shoulder when making a point, especially in a bar. 12. Hot dog chili does NOT have beans in it. 13. Brisket is not 'cooked' in an oven. 14. Don't tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares. 15. If you think it's too hot, don't worry. It'll cool down-in December. 16. We do TOO have 4 Seasons: December, January, February, and Summer. 17. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol, a Chevy, Dodge, or Ford is. 18. If someone tells you "Don't worry, those peppers aren't hot" you can be certain they are. 19. If you fail to heed my warning in #18 above, be sure to have a glass of milk and some bread handy. Water won't do it. 20. Rocky Mountain oysters are NOT oysters. Don't ask. DON'T GOOGLE IT EITHER! It's worse than regular oysters! 21. If someone says they're "fixin" to do something, that doesn't mean anything's broken. 22. Don't even think of ordering a strawberry daiquiri. What you really mean to say is 'Margarita.' 23. If you don't understand our passion for college and high school BASKETBALL just keep your mouth shut. 24. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade. 25. If you see a slower moving vehicle on a two lane road pull onto the shoulder that is called "courtesy". 26. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hot dogs outdoors. 27. No matter what you've seen on TV, line dancing is not a popular weekend pastime. 28. "Tea" = Sweet Iced Tea. There is no other kind. 29. Everything is better with Ranch dressing. 30. DO NOT honk your horn at us to be obnoxious, we will sit there until we die! 31. We pull over and stop for emergency vehicles to pass. 32. We pull over for funeral processions, turn our music off and men remove hats or caps. Some people put their hand over their heart. 33. Most of us own at least one gun. 34. "Bless your Heart" is a nice way of saying you're an idiot.Yep. 35. Ya'll come back, now. Ya hear!? 36. Everybody waves when you pass them on a country road. A simple hand up from the steering wheel will do just fine. 37. How's ye moma n em doin?

[leigh49137]

Advice for anyone moving to Alabama...

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it. 2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Just stay home the two days of the year it snows. 3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. 4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals & bait in the same store. 5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive. 6. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?" 7. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle. 8. If you hear a redneck say, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way, these are likely his last words ever. 9. Get used to the phrase "It's not the heat, it's the humidity". And the collateral phrase "You call this hot? Wait'll August." 10. There are no good delis. Don't ask. 11. In conversation, never put your hand on a man's shoulder when making a point, especially in a bar. 12. Hot dog chili does NOT have beans in it. 13. Brisket is not 'cooked' in an oven. 14. Don't tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares. 15. If you think it's too hot, don't worry. It'll cool down-in December. 16. We do TOO have 4 Seasons: December, January, February, and Summer. 17. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol, a Chevy, Dodge, or Ford is. 18. If someone tells you "Don't worry, those peppers aren't hot" you can be certain they are. 19. If you fail to heed my warning in #18 above, be sure to have a glass of milk and some bread handy. Water won't do it. 20. Rocky Mountain oysters are NOT oysters. Don't ask. DON'T GOOGLE IT EITHER! It's worse than regular oysters! 21. If someone says they're "fixin" to do something, that doesn't mean anything's broken. 22. Don't even think of ordering a strawberry daiquiri. What you really mean to say is 'Margarita.' 23. If you don't understand our passion for college and high school FOOTBALL 🏈just keep your mouth shut. 24. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade. 25. If you see a slower moving vehicle on a two lane road pull onto the shoulder that is called "courtesy". 26. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hot dogs outdoors. 27. No matter what you've seen on TV, line dancing is not a popular weekend pastime. 28. "Tea" = Sweet Iced Tea. There is no other kind. 29. Everything is better with Ranch dressing. 30. DO NOT honk your horn at us to be obnoxious, we will sit there until we die! 31. We pull over and stop for emergency vehicles to pass. 32. We pull over for funeral processions, turn our music off and men remove hats or caps. Some people put their hand over their heart. 33. Most of us own at least one gun. 34. "Bless your Heart" is a nice way of saying you're an idiot.

[missteenadavine]

South Carolina Cultural Truths

ADVICE FOR ANYONE MOVING TO SOUTH CAROLINA

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it. 2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Just stay home the two days of the year it snows. 3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. 4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals & bait in the same store. 5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive. 6. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are you?" 7. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle. 8. If you hear a redneck say, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way, these are likely his last words ever. 9. Get used to the phrase "It's not the heat, it's the humidity". And the collateral phrase "You call this hot? Wait'll August." 10. There are no good delis. Don't ask. 11. In conversation, never put your hand on a man's shoulder when making a point, especially in a bar. 12. Hot dog chili does NOT have beans in it. 13. Brisket is not 'cooked' in an oven. 14. Don't tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares. 15. If you think it's too hot, don't worry. It'll cool down-in December. 16. We do TOO have 4 Seasons: December, January, February, and Summer. 17. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol, a Chevy, Dodge, or Ford is. 18. If someone tells you "Don't worry, those peppers aren't hot" you can be certain they are. 19. If you fail to heed my warning in #18 above, be sure to have a glass of milk and some bread handy. Water won't do it. 20. Rocky Mountain oysters are NOT oysters. Don't ask. DON'T GOOGLE IT EITHER! It's worse than regular oysters! 21. If someone says they're "fixin" to do something, that doesn't mean anything's broken. 22. Don't even think of ordering a strawberry daiquiri. What you really mean to say is 'Margarita.' 23. If you don't understand our passion for college and high school basketball just keep your mouth shut. 24. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade. 25. If you see a slower moving vehicle on a two lane road pull onto the shoulder that is called "courtesy". 26. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hot dogs outdoors. 27. No matter what you've seen on TV, line dancing is not a popular weekend pastime. 28. "Tea" = Sweet Iced Tea. There is no other kind. 29. Everything is better with Ranch dressing. 30. DO NOT honk your horn at us to be obnoxious, we will sit there until we die! 31. We pull over and stop for emergency vehicles to pass. 32. We pull over for funeral processions, turn our music off and men remove hats or caps. Some people put their hand over their heart. 33. Most of us own at least one gun. 34. "Bless your Heart" is a nice way of saying you're an idiot.